1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,840 S1: You ready for this? You ready for a hard conversation today? 2 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,040 S1: It's about a no contact Christmas. Your adult child has 3 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,120 S1: said don't call, don't visit, don't send Christmas presents. Don't 4 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,919 S1: text us. Don't email. I want no contact. No contact 5 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,119 S1: with the grandkids either. What do you do with that? 6 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,200 S1: How do you respond? What do you do with the estrangement? 7 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:32,440 S1: The questions what did I do wrong? Today on Chris 8 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:34,520 S1: Bailey Live, I have a story that I wrote that 9 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,320 S1: tries to capture some of the pain, the anguish, the hurt, 10 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,720 S1: the struggle from the parent's perspective. And I'm going to 11 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:44,200 S1: read that story and then open the lines and let 12 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,160 S1: you respond to those questions of the heart. I don't 13 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,400 S1: promise it's going to be easy what we're about to 14 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,680 S1: do here, but I do know there are a lot 15 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:55,000 S1: of people in this season of life. So let's get started. 16 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,040 S1: First with a thank you to Ryan McConaughey doing all 17 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,140 S1: things technical. Trish is our producer. Lisa is here. Josh 18 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:03,620 S1: will be answering your calls today. Another big thank you 19 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:07,060 S1: to those of you who support this program. Just listening 20 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:10,220 S1: to Chris Fabry live is a real boost. For those 21 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:13,420 S1: of you who download the podcast. And listen, I've got 22 00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:18,980 S1: a friend who watches the YouTube podcast or broadcast whatever 23 00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:23,419 S1: it is. When you respond to the topics, it's very encouraging. 24 00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,620 S1: But for those who give a gift of this program, 25 00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:27,820 S1: you get the gold star. We have a goal each 26 00:01:27,819 --> 00:01:30,380 S1: month for the number of givers and the amount that 27 00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:32,899 S1: we need to keep these conversations going, and we had 28 00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:36,580 S1: a goal of seven new monthly partners, people we call 29 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:40,500 S1: our back fence partners, and we've had six this month already. 30 00:01:40,819 --> 00:01:43,420 S1: So we're looking for one more. Maybe that's you. If 31 00:01:43,459 --> 00:01:46,220 S1: you become a partner, we send you my back fence post. 32 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,460 S1: And the one that went out today was the post 33 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:51,700 S1: talking about the Christmas carol I didn't really care for 34 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:54,260 S1: for a long time that I loved. Now because I 35 00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:56,940 S1: read the story in the book Hosanna in Excelsis, which 36 00:01:56,940 --> 00:01:59,850 S1: is our thank you gift this month. It all comes together, folks. 37 00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:03,290 S1: So if you're a partner, open that email and watch 38 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,770 S1: that video. And if you're not. Become one. Today I'll 39 00:02:06,770 --> 00:02:08,810 S1: send you a copy of The Promise of Jesse Woods. 40 00:02:08,810 --> 00:02:10,330 S1: And there's a whole lot more if you become a 41 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:14,609 S1: back fence partner, go to Chris. Dot doesn't take long 42 00:02:14,650 --> 00:02:18,130 S1: to fill that out and we can send you this ebook. 43 00:02:18,169 --> 00:02:21,650 S1: Hosanna in excelsis as a thank you. This month you 44 00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:23,810 S1: get access to those you have to say, hey, I 45 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:27,050 S1: want that if you become a partner. But it's it's 46 00:02:27,050 --> 00:02:30,090 S1: yours as our our thank you. Or you can just 47 00:02:30,090 --> 00:02:36,489 S1: give a one time gift. However, whatever. Chris Fabry live, uh, 48 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,130 S1: here at the end of the year. It is so appreciated. 49 00:02:39,130 --> 00:02:47,209 S1: Or you can call 866958669532279. Thanks you. Thank you for 50 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:50,810 S1: your support of the radio backyard fence. You know what? 51 00:02:50,810 --> 00:02:53,290 S1: I wish we didn't have to do this topic. I 52 00:02:53,290 --> 00:02:56,610 S1: wish we didn't have to go into these waters. But 53 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,990 S1: through the years I've come in contact with a number 54 00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:01,750 S1: of parents who have broken hearts, who have said, we 55 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:06,430 S1: got this call. We, our son, our daughter. Don't call us, 56 00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:10,910 S1: don't visit. We want no contact. I've also talked with 57 00:03:10,910 --> 00:03:14,030 S1: enough adult children who have said I had to draw 58 00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:18,750 S1: a boundary. I couldn't keep going with the toxicity in 59 00:03:18,790 --> 00:03:22,950 S1: the relationship. I just I couldn't do it anymore. And 60 00:03:22,950 --> 00:03:27,390 S1: I get both sides of those stories. But the parents 61 00:03:27,389 --> 00:03:34,230 S1: side is usually a person. This is from anecdotal. Usually 62 00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:39,030 S1: the parents are just bewildered with this nagging question what 63 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:41,550 S1: did I do? I don't know what I did, what 64 00:03:41,550 --> 00:03:47,750 S1: happened here? And I write to explain my own life 65 00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:49,790 S1: to myself. You know, I kind of put it on 66 00:03:49,790 --> 00:03:51,630 S1: the page, and then I can look at it and say, 67 00:03:51,670 --> 00:03:54,670 S1: make sense of it. Or sometimes I write to explain 68 00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:58,380 S1: other people's lives to me, and for the past few 69 00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:02,700 S1: years I've written short stories micro-fiction for Mature Living magazine. 70 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,500 S1: I like to say I started writing for Adventures in 71 00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:08,660 S1: Odyssey and now I write for Material Living. There's a 72 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:13,220 S1: career arc there, and I wrote a story for August, uh, 73 00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:17,380 S1: for the magazine called The Text, and it was about 74 00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:22,100 S1: a mom, Dawn, getting a text from her daughter, Elaine. 75 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,779 S1: And I'm going to read that for you in our 76 00:04:24,779 --> 00:04:28,580 S1: next segment. But after I sent it to the editors, 77 00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,700 S1: they responded and said, hey, we'd like the story, but 78 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:35,340 S1: but we would like to hear part two. Would you 79 00:04:35,339 --> 00:04:37,900 S1: write a part two to this? And as I was 80 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,820 S1: writing it and as I finished it, I had some 81 00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:43,180 S1: of the same feelings. There was something that felt, you know, 82 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:47,180 S1: I'm kind of leaving you. This is unfinished, but I did. 83 00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:48,980 S1: I told the editors, I'm not going to wrap a 84 00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:53,099 S1: bow on this. Make everything better in in one meeting 85 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:56,920 S1: at a coffee shop, because that's not real life. And 86 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,119 S1: I want as much as I can to stay in 87 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:03,520 S1: real life while holding on to hope at the same time. 88 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,919 S1: So I wrote part two and I turned it in. 89 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,239 S1: And then the first one was published, and the readers 90 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,000 S1: who read that first article in August began to email 91 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,880 S1: the magazine and say, hey, why are you making us 92 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,360 S1: wait till September? We want to see what happens in 93 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,720 S1: the next installment. And there was only supposed to be 94 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,520 S1: two because it says in August, you know, see, see 95 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,400 S1: the conclusion in September. And I thought about reading that here. 96 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,920 S1: And then I thought, well, people are going to be 97 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,159 S1: the same way here on the radio. You're going to 98 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,680 S1: feel like you want to hear the whole thing. And 99 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,520 S1: then the editors reached back out and said, hey, what 100 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,679 S1: about part three? Would you consider in December we have 101 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,880 S1: this slot open in December? Would you consider writing the 102 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,080 S1: third part in December? And I said, well, I'll give 103 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:52,160 S1: it a shot. Again, not trying to wrap a bow 104 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,750 S1: around the story, or put cotton candy or candy canes 105 00:05:55,750 --> 00:06:00,150 S1: in it. But to show how just one scenario in 106 00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:03,950 S1: one family, how that might play out and why. So 107 00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:06,950 S1: the stories are told from three different perspectives. The first 108 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:10,030 S1: is from the mom, Dawn, and she's bewildered and she 109 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:14,469 S1: doesn't know she's well. What happened here? The second story, then, 110 00:06:14,470 --> 00:06:17,830 S1: is from the daughter, Elaine, and you learn a little 111 00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:23,710 S1: bit more about the why behind it that the mom 112 00:06:23,710 --> 00:06:29,190 S1: doesn't know. And then the third story is from a 113 00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:32,630 S1: friend of the mom who is kind of in the 114 00:06:32,630 --> 00:06:36,270 S1: same situation, and her name is Hope. And I gave 115 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:37,910 S1: her that name because that's what I want you to 116 00:06:37,910 --> 00:06:40,549 S1: feel deep in your soul today when you finish listening 117 00:06:40,589 --> 00:06:44,469 S1: to this program while you go through the nasty here 118 00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,789 S1: and now, with all the struggle and the heartbreak, there 119 00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:51,510 S1: is hope. But it might look different than what you 120 00:06:51,690 --> 00:06:55,849 S1: want it to look. I posted a question on Facebook 121 00:06:55,890 --> 00:06:59,410 S1: to try to gauge would there be anybody interested in 122 00:06:59,410 --> 00:07:02,729 S1: this topic? Is anybody going to respond today? And within 123 00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:06,809 S1: a few minutes, dozens had written something. But the first 124 00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:10,610 S1: one I saw was from a dad who wrote me privately. Chris, 125 00:07:10,610 --> 00:07:13,250 S1: I saw your question today about an adult child ending 126 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,250 S1: contact with a parent. This happened to me four years 127 00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:20,370 S1: ago without notice. For the first two years, I would 128 00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:24,930 S1: send birthday and Christmas texts with no response. These days 129 00:07:25,490 --> 00:07:28,850 S1: I just pray more on those days. While I hope 130 00:07:28,850 --> 00:07:31,530 S1: for a moment like the father of the prodigal son, 131 00:07:32,690 --> 00:07:35,930 S1: what he enjoyed. I'm also aware I may never see 132 00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:41,050 S1: my son until eternity. The only reason I can sleep 133 00:07:41,050 --> 00:07:44,730 S1: after my head hits the pillow, other than sleep apnea, 134 00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:48,130 S1: is that I know our God will do what is just. 135 00:07:48,170 --> 00:07:50,750 S1: He loves my son. My son confessed him as lord 136 00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:53,310 S1: at a young age. That's the hope I cling to. 137 00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:57,630 S1: So here's my guest today. My guess is this dad 138 00:07:57,630 --> 00:08:01,310 S1: is not alone, nor are the moms who responded to 139 00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:04,830 S1: that question on Facebook. So we're going to take a break. 140 00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:06,910 S1: And when we come back, I want you to hear 141 00:08:06,910 --> 00:08:11,790 S1: the first story titled The Text from the Moms perspective. 142 00:08:12,350 --> 00:08:14,230 S1: And I want you to write down the number now, 143 00:08:14,550 --> 00:08:17,750 S1: because I'd love to hear your response to that story 144 00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:26,590 S1: of the No contact Christmas (877) 548-3675. The question on Facebook 145 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:29,470 S1: was as an adult child says to a parent, I 146 00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:34,429 S1: want no contact. How do you respond? So file that 147 00:08:34,429 --> 00:08:41,670 S1: question away. Write down the number (877) 548-3675. And here's what 148 00:08:41,670 --> 00:08:44,990 S1: I say with these programs that we do when we have, 149 00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:47,150 S1: you know, a lot a lot of phone calls. You 150 00:08:47,190 --> 00:08:50,380 S1: may have something to say about this, because of the 151 00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:54,620 S1: pain that you have gone through, that someone else desperately 152 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:59,380 S1: needs to hear. And the same for the child who 153 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:03,100 S1: has made that request of a parent who has pulled 154 00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:07,100 S1: back and asked for no content. There may be something 155 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:10,980 S1: that you share here today that will at least encourage, 156 00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:15,819 S1: or maybe lift the veil from the eyes today. I 157 00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,060 S1: hope that's going to happen. So we'll take our first break. 158 00:09:18,059 --> 00:09:21,300 S1: We'll come back. You will hear Dawn's perspective in the 159 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:25,420 S1: story titled The Text, and then you're part of the 160 00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:33,660 S1: conversation at (877) 548-3675. Go to the website Chris Fabry Live 161 00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:53,719 S1: more straight ahead on Moody Radio. Don noticed the text 162 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,319 S1: as she made breakfast that Thursday morning. It came in 163 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:02,240 S1: at 1:19 a.m.. That told her Elaine, her daughter, had 164 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,560 S1: wrestled with sending it. I need to talk. Can we 165 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:10,000 S1: meet at the coffee shop? Don stared at those two 166 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,680 S1: sentences for what seemed like an ice age. There was 167 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:17,400 S1: so much she couldn't discern in those 11 words, but 168 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,880 S1: they felt like a direct answer to prayer. She had 169 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:25,120 S1: asked God for some glimmer of hope, and here it was. 170 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,600 S1: Don wanted to speak with her daughter again, the one 171 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,400 S1: who had cut her out of her life. They called 172 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:36,200 S1: it estrangement, but that word was too kind. She ached 173 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,680 S1: for contact, even for a conversation with angry words, name 174 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,920 S1: calling and rage that would have been better than the 175 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:49,670 S1: years of silence, the years of questions. The broken heart. 176 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:55,390 S1: Don wanted to be in her grandchildren's lives too, but 177 00:10:55,390 --> 00:10:59,790 S1: she could only send cards and gifts for birthdays and Christmas, 178 00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:03,270 S1: and she didn't know if the children ever received them. 179 00:11:03,510 --> 00:11:06,709 S1: There was no response from that house, only a few 180 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:13,550 S1: miles away. So close, yet so far. At church, she 181 00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:17,670 S1: saw others her age with grandchildren in tow, and the 182 00:11:17,670 --> 00:11:21,070 S1: sight was like a knife in her soul. When the 183 00:11:21,070 --> 00:11:25,750 S1: pastor mentioned the importance of grandparents being in their grandchildren's lives, 184 00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:29,230 S1: she wanted to stand up and scream. She studied the 185 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:34,550 S1: text again. The words felt cold, distant. It was a 186 00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:39,470 S1: little calculated, perhaps like it was a text by committee. 187 00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:44,310 S1: Maybe Elaine had asked the counselor or some friends how 188 00:11:44,309 --> 00:11:49,490 S1: to make contact. And this was the result. Don tapped 189 00:11:49,490 --> 00:11:53,130 S1: the screen. I would love to. Oh, Elaine, I've waited 190 00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:55,890 S1: so long to hear from you. I've prayed that you 191 00:11:55,890 --> 00:11:58,450 S1: would reach out at some point and we would be 192 00:11:58,490 --> 00:12:02,250 S1: able to restore our relationship. My heart aches to be 193 00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:06,330 S1: in Amanda's and Kenny's lives. You don't know how hard 194 00:12:06,330 --> 00:12:13,210 S1: this has been. She stopped. Something wasn't right. Elaine didn't 195 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:17,930 S1: need a paragraph. She just needed a response. Something short. 196 00:12:18,290 --> 00:12:22,690 S1: A long, involved message would push her away. She deleted 197 00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:27,290 S1: the words and tried it again. Yes. Exclamation point. How 198 00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:31,810 S1: about Saturday? Pick the time and I'll be there. Should 199 00:12:31,809 --> 00:12:37,170 S1: she say more? Should she thank Elaine for texting? She 200 00:12:37,210 --> 00:12:41,850 S1: hit send. Don made coffee, returning to the table to 201 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:45,680 S1: check the phone. After an hour when she hadn't heard anything, 202 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:47,720 S1: she put the phone in her pocket and moved on 203 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,640 S1: with her day. She was in line at the nearby 204 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,880 S1: Pack and Ship store, along with a dozen others who 205 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,040 S1: were returning online purchases like she was doing. She was 206 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:03,239 S1: two people away from being served when she heard the ding. Noon. 207 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:08,240 S1: See you then. Don's heart beat faster from that moment, 208 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:12,400 S1: both from joy and dread. She called a friend she trusted, 209 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:16,440 S1: who knew of the situation and asked for advice. Then 210 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,280 S1: she called another friend from her Bible study and asked 211 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,720 S1: her to pray for wisdom. Remember that verse we went 212 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,320 S1: over in? James? Her friend said, be slow to speak, 213 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:30,160 S1: quick to listen, and slow to become angry. Or something 214 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:35,200 S1: like that. Don had memorized the passage from James chapter one, 215 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:39,120 S1: verse 19. Her friend had the right idea, but the 216 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:44,140 S1: wrong order. Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow 217 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:48,780 S1: to anger. That wasn't bad advice. She wondered if James 218 00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:52,460 S1: had children who wouldn't speak with him. She wanted to 219 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,980 S1: back up the truck of her pain and dump it 220 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:58,660 S1: on her daughter. Let her know how much this estrangement 221 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:02,420 S1: had hurt, how unfair it was cutting her out of 222 00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:05,620 S1: her life, and the lives of her grandchildren had left 223 00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:09,979 S1: such a deep wound. It was basically a no contact 224 00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:13,220 S1: order that hadn't come from a judge or jury, but 225 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:17,100 S1: a phone call that had caught her off guard. Mom, 226 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,220 S1: this is the last time you're going to hear from 227 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:22,140 S1: me for a while. I don't want you calling me 228 00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:25,620 S1: or coming to visit. Stop sending cards and gifts to 229 00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:28,900 S1: the kids. I'll get in touch when I'm ready to talk. 230 00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:33,180 S1: It wasn't even a conversation. Dawn hadn't been able to 231 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:38,500 S1: catch her breath. She managed to choke out. Okay. I 232 00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:44,010 S1: love you. But the line went dead for months afterward. 233 00:14:44,010 --> 00:14:47,410 S1: Don read everything she could about estrangement and how to 234 00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:52,010 S1: restore a broken relationship, and she discovered she was not alone. 235 00:14:52,410 --> 00:14:55,930 S1: Other parents were going through the same painful experience, and 236 00:14:55,930 --> 00:14:59,290 S1: many times the reason was traced to religion and how 237 00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:02,890 S1: the son or daughter had been raised. Many parents had 238 00:15:02,890 --> 00:15:06,570 S1: waited years for a child to open the door to communication. 239 00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:11,690 S1: Some never had closure, and that frightened her. She reached 240 00:15:11,690 --> 00:15:14,530 S1: out to a counselor who listened and allowed her to 241 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:18,290 S1: talk through her feelings. Don had lost her husband two 242 00:15:18,290 --> 00:15:21,490 S1: years earlier, so the rejection by her daughter was a 243 00:15:21,490 --> 00:15:26,890 S1: double wound. It seemed cruel. The counselor suggested she talk 244 00:15:26,890 --> 00:15:29,730 S1: with her son about the situation and see if she 245 00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:34,970 S1: could glean something from him. But Larry was tight lipped. Mom, 246 00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:37,730 S1: I don't agree with what Elaine did or how she's 247 00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:41,230 S1: doing it, but I know she's thought it through for 248 00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:45,470 S1: a long time. She talked with you about it? Yes. 249 00:15:46,150 --> 00:15:48,670 S1: She didn't want to hurt you, but she just needed 250 00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:53,870 S1: some space and some time. But for how long? And 251 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:57,070 S1: why cut me off like this? I wasn't a bad mother. 252 00:15:57,350 --> 00:16:01,390 S1: We never abused her. How can I apologize? I don't 253 00:16:01,390 --> 00:16:07,190 S1: know what I did wrong. Larry paused. Those are good questions, mom. 254 00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,870 S1: But I think that's something you and Elaine will need 255 00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:13,350 S1: to work out. But how can we do that if 256 00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:18,150 S1: she won't talk to me? You can't. You'll just have 257 00:16:18,150 --> 00:16:23,430 S1: to wait until she's ready. Don sat in the coffee 258 00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:27,310 S1: shop parking lot, praying and trying to process all she felt. 259 00:16:27,750 --> 00:16:30,870 S1: She wanted to get this meeting right. She wanted to 260 00:16:30,910 --> 00:16:33,230 S1: say the right thing, do the right thing that would 261 00:16:33,230 --> 00:16:37,350 S1: open the door of healing and reconciliation. But there was 262 00:16:37,350 --> 00:16:40,850 S1: so much out of her control. There were so many 263 00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:46,090 S1: things she didn't know and couldn't anticipate. A stubborn leaf 264 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,930 S1: let go on a maple tree planted on an island 265 00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:51,570 S1: in the parking lot, and she watched it flutter to 266 00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:56,490 S1: the ground. That leaf felt like her hopes and dreams. 267 00:16:57,090 --> 00:17:00,410 S1: She wanted to pour herself into her grandchildren. She wanted 268 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:04,250 S1: to just sit and read stories to them, laugh, bask 269 00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,530 S1: in their wonder at the world. She would even figure 270 00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:10,890 S1: out how to connect by video online. I thought that 271 00:17:10,890 --> 00:17:14,650 S1: scared her and pushed her to her technological limits. She 272 00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:19,850 S1: would do anything to be in their lives again. Anything. 273 00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:24,170 S1: It wasn't a voice. It was more of a thought 274 00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:29,490 S1: that lingered. Would she really do anything? She felt a 275 00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:33,169 S1: warmth inside the kind of sensation that comes when someone 276 00:17:33,170 --> 00:17:37,480 S1: who loves you whispers truth that goes straight to your heart. 277 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:44,240 S1: Would you listen to her? Dawn closed her eyes and 278 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:48,760 S1: spoke aloud. Of course I would. Listen. I want to 279 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,640 S1: hear from her. I want to know what I did 280 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,240 S1: so I can fix this. What if it's not about 281 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:02,639 S1: fixing this? The words simmered in her heart. She argued 282 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:06,480 S1: with the whisper. Why wouldn't it be about fixing this 283 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,440 S1: when there's a break? You set it and let it heal, 284 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:15,920 S1: don't you? No. Whisper came. She was alone with her thoughts. 285 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,640 S1: And like another whisper, there came a soft patter of 286 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:31,960 S1: rain on the windshield. Have you been through that? Does 287 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,860 S1: that story touch a nerve someplace in your soul today 288 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:42,179 S1: because there's power in a story, just these faulting, altering words. 289 00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:46,540 S1: There's there's power in that situation as you enter into it. 290 00:18:47,619 --> 00:18:55,020 S1: Here's the number (877) 548-3675. There are other perspectives that we'll 291 00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:57,540 S1: go into, but I just want to stop right there 292 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:01,340 S1: and let you respond to this snapshot. That's what a 293 00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:04,660 S1: short story is. It is a snapshot of one person's 294 00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:08,220 S1: life at one moment in time. And you saw her 295 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,820 S1: in her, busy in her day and seeing the text 296 00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:15,340 S1: and then moving along and then waiting, waiting outside that 297 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:19,740 S1: that coffee shop with the rain coming down, the pitter 298 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:25,420 S1: patter of rain. Wondering all the questions, the hopes and 299 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:28,899 S1: fears of all the years. Right. So I want you 300 00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:32,060 S1: to respond to that story. And and then we'll go 301 00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:38,850 S1: to the second part of it. 88775483675. Let me read 302 00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:42,010 S1: you some of the responses from Facebook when I asked 303 00:19:42,010 --> 00:19:45,970 S1: that same question. If your children have asked for no contact, 304 00:19:46,450 --> 00:19:49,330 S1: have you? What's happened in your life? What did you do? 305 00:19:49,970 --> 00:19:52,610 S1: Gail says you look at your side of the street, 306 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:57,330 S1: see what you did, and make improvements. Then you surrender 307 00:19:57,330 --> 00:20:01,770 S1: it all to Jesus and pray. There's that word. I 308 00:20:01,770 --> 00:20:04,290 S1: think that word is going to come up a few 309 00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:09,609 S1: times today. Surrender. And what does that look like? And 310 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:14,450 S1: how in the world do you do that and do it? Well, Debbie. 311 00:20:14,930 --> 00:20:20,570 S1: I've been in this situation. I asked why I apologized 312 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:24,530 S1: if I needed to, and then I respected their wishes. 313 00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:27,850 S1: I prayed and asked God to show me if anything's 314 00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:34,790 S1: my kid said was value. Kids plural Was valid and 315 00:20:34,790 --> 00:20:39,430 S1: then worked on those areas. Lastly, I prayed and prayed 316 00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:44,830 S1: and prayed. Thankfully, I now have good relations with all 317 00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:48,869 S1: my adult children. So okay, you see that there's the 318 00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:50,949 S1: bow at the end of that. But in the middle 319 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,389 S1: of the pray, pray, pray. And there's another, there's another 320 00:20:54,390 --> 00:20:57,550 S1: word we're going to come back to inside all of 321 00:20:57,550 --> 00:21:02,510 S1: the pray, pray, pray is part of the struggle. And 322 00:21:02,510 --> 00:21:06,510 S1: there's almost a sense of of the psalmist crying out 323 00:21:06,510 --> 00:21:10,350 S1: to God. Why? Why is this happening? Especially with people 324 00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:13,550 S1: that you really love. It's like I can see, uh, 325 00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:16,510 S1: you know, praying against an enemy and God, you know, 326 00:21:16,550 --> 00:21:18,110 S1: do this and that and the other thing. But these 327 00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:20,149 S1: are the people I've poured my life into. These are 328 00:21:20,150 --> 00:21:27,390 S1: the people I love the most. Um, the I go, 329 00:21:27,430 --> 00:21:30,110 S1: let me scroll down to the one of the last 330 00:21:30,109 --> 00:21:34,100 S1: people that that responded here and it was from the 331 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:37,379 S1: other perspective. There are several of these, you know, of 332 00:21:37,420 --> 00:21:40,260 S1: children who said, I've had to draw a line here, 333 00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:48,020 S1: and it was hard. Um. If I can find who she's, uh. Um. Yeah. 334 00:21:48,060 --> 00:21:51,060 S1: Here it is. Okay. Adult children do not cut off 335 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:55,540 S1: contact for no reason. It takes years of abuse and 336 00:21:55,540 --> 00:22:01,220 S1: narcissism and slander. Years of dumping sewer onto them. Great 337 00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:05,540 S1: big dump trucks of sewer. Finally, there's no oxygen and 338 00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:08,659 S1: you cannot take another dump truck of sewer dumped on you. 339 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:12,580 S1: It is not just a trend. We suffer and pray 340 00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:14,820 S1: until we cannot get oxygen. And then we have to 341 00:22:14,859 --> 00:22:21,140 S1: get those wounds that are deep and gangrenous to heal. 342 00:22:21,980 --> 00:22:24,340 S1: We have to get away from the sewer that we 343 00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:29,020 S1: are buried under. Now, those are strong words, but I 344 00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:35,240 S1: hear There's value in listening closely to that adult child 345 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,679 S1: talking about this, because that's not everybody's experience. You know, 346 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,800 S1: the abuse and the narcissism, but was hers. From her perspective, 347 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,200 S1: Mary is on the line. Mary, why did you call today? 348 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,520 S2: I called because I can relate, and I hope to 349 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,080 S2: give some other parents some encouragement from what I've gone through. 350 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:58,639 S1: Please do it. 351 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,440 S2: It's been six and a half years since my daughter 352 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,920 S2: has cut me out of her life. And since I've 353 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,240 S2: talked to her or the grandchildren, they moved out of state. 354 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,560 S2: And what I want to encourage parents with is for 355 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:16,360 S2: six years I have tried everything, and God has been 356 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,760 S2: very good and very gracious to put wonderful people in 357 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,960 S2: my life through prayer, to encourage me and strengthen me. 358 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,040 S2: And what I want them to know is that he 359 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,720 S2: has a plan. We don't understand it. Our children belong 360 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,980 S2: to him. I believe he's faithful from generation to generation, 361 00:23:30,980 --> 00:23:33,620 S2: and they will come back to him and to us 362 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:37,380 S2: in his perfect timing. But in my case, everything I 363 00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:41,100 S2: tried to do, including professionals, everything I tried to do, 364 00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:45,740 S2: backfired and became more ammunition against me. So I guess 365 00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:48,500 S2: I want I want to encourage parents that pray for 366 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,660 S2: the grace to be able to trust that God is 367 00:23:51,660 --> 00:23:55,740 S2: in this, that he loves your children and your grandchildren. 368 00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:59,899 S2: I still get emotional and you will bring them back home. 369 00:24:00,260 --> 00:24:03,659 S2: You will bring them back home in his perfect timing. 370 00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:05,379 S2: His perfect timing. 371 00:24:05,780 --> 00:24:10,860 S1: Yeah. So you're you haven't you haven't gotten to that place. 372 00:24:11,020 --> 00:24:13,980 S1: The perfect timing hasn't come in six and a half years, right? 373 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:18,060 S2: It hasn't. But I believe it will be soon. And 374 00:24:18,060 --> 00:24:20,500 S2: I also am comfortable if I will not see them 375 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,300 S2: again until eternity. But I am open to that, too. I, 376 00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:27,420 S2: God is is the love of my life, and I 377 00:24:27,530 --> 00:24:29,850 S2: don't understand. But I trust him. 378 00:24:30,490 --> 00:24:32,929 S1: How has this changed you, Mary? 379 00:24:33,369 --> 00:24:36,890 S2: Oh my gosh. I'm a very different person. I am 380 00:24:36,890 --> 00:24:40,130 S2: with Scripture 24 over seven. I am relying on his 381 00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:44,330 S2: words and his promises. I my relationships no longer define me. 382 00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:47,530 S2: People do not define me. The Bible defines me. My 383 00:24:47,530 --> 00:24:50,649 S2: grandchildren and my children were everything. I had been a 384 00:24:50,650 --> 00:24:53,450 S2: single mom for a while and so they became my life. 385 00:24:53,890 --> 00:24:56,410 S2: And God showed me that they had become my God, 386 00:24:56,890 --> 00:24:59,690 S2: and I had to let them go and trust that 387 00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:02,650 S2: he loves them more than I do. And that has 388 00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:05,090 S2: totally changed me. It changes. It changes how I relate 389 00:25:05,090 --> 00:25:09,850 S2: to everyone I am. I am whole and loving life 390 00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:13,210 S2: no matter who's in it. Personally, it's the best way 391 00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:14,290 S2: I can explain it. 392 00:25:14,490 --> 00:25:17,850 S1: There's the surrender that we just talked about. The email 393 00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:21,409 S1: or the person on Facebook talked about there is surrender here, 394 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,850 S1: and I can tell that God has done something in 395 00:25:23,850 --> 00:25:26,669 S1: your life. Mary. And what I said a little bit ago, 396 00:25:26,710 --> 00:25:30,070 S1: that your experience may be just the thing that somebody 397 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,869 S1: else needs to hear. My guess is that happened just now. 398 00:25:32,910 --> 00:25:36,350 S1: Thank you for being faithful to the pain. Let me 399 00:25:36,350 --> 00:25:38,790 S1: take a break. We'll come back and we'll hear more 400 00:25:39,310 --> 00:25:42,830 S1: of the story of the text and get to that 401 00:25:42,830 --> 00:25:47,830 S1: story and hopefully some response in your own heart and soul. 402 00:25:47,869 --> 00:25:49,790 S1: I hope this is an encouragement to you today. This 403 00:25:49,790 --> 00:26:11,310 S1: is Chris Fabry live on Moody Radio. Rain fell like 404 00:26:11,350 --> 00:26:15,310 S1: tears on Elaine's windshield as she parked on the street 405 00:26:15,350 --> 00:26:18,550 S1: near the coffee shop. She took a deep breath and 406 00:26:18,550 --> 00:26:23,270 S1: closed her eyes, trying to still the roiling inside. Her 407 00:26:23,270 --> 00:26:25,939 S1: stomach felt like she was on the merry go round 408 00:26:25,940 --> 00:26:30,260 S1: in the third grade. The fifth grade boys laughed and 409 00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:33,620 S1: ran as fast as they could to spin the occupants 410 00:26:33,619 --> 00:26:36,940 S1: and make them sick. She just wanted to get off 411 00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:42,380 S1: the ride now. She felt the same. She wished she 412 00:26:42,380 --> 00:26:46,300 S1: had never texted her mother and suggested they meet for coffee. 413 00:26:47,100 --> 00:26:50,700 S1: Her mother, Dawn, had tried to mask the hurt in 414 00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:54,740 S1: her response, but Elaine could feel it could sense her 415 00:26:54,740 --> 00:26:59,660 S1: mother's pain even through her words. Yes. How about Saturday? 416 00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:03,620 S1: Pick the time and I'll be there. Elaine glanced at 417 00:27:03,619 --> 00:27:10,700 S1: the dashboard clock. 1205. Her mother was probably inside now, seething. 418 00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:15,060 S1: She could feel the shame almost a block away. She 419 00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:18,260 S1: looked under the seat for her umbrella but couldn't find it. 420 00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:22,540 S1: She grabbed her purse and hurried into the rain. Her 421 00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:25,960 S1: mother waved at her from a corner table and smiled. 422 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,080 S1: She was cradling a black mug and put it down 423 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:33,359 S1: as she stood. Elaine walked resolutely to the table and 424 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:37,359 S1: sat without a hug. What can I get you? Don said. 425 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:41,120 S1: It's on me. I don't want anything. Mom, they have 426 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:48,240 S1: pumpkin spice. Elaine felt it throughout her body. The tension. Mom, please. 427 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,360 S1: This is hard enough. Don't try to control what I 428 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:56,040 S1: drink or don't drink. Elaine could feel the hurt from 429 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,680 S1: her mother, even if she didn't look into her eyes. 430 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:02,840 S1: She was in pain and Elaine was sure her mom 431 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,879 S1: would put that pain on her. Look, I told you 432 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,240 S1: I need to talk, so let's just get to it. 433 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,840 S1: Elaine looked up and saw her mother's face was soft. 434 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:19,320 S1: She looked older, with wrinkles. Elaine didn't recall lines in 435 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,590 S1: her forehead and crow's feet around her eyes that made 436 00:28:22,590 --> 00:28:27,429 S1: her mother look like some wise older woman. Well, I'm 437 00:28:27,430 --> 00:28:30,950 S1: all ears, Don said. And no matter what you have 438 00:28:30,950 --> 00:28:33,469 S1: to say. I just want you to know how happy 439 00:28:33,470 --> 00:28:37,109 S1: I am to see you. Elaine looked down at her 440 00:28:37,109 --> 00:28:40,630 S1: phone and pulled up the list she had made. Things 441 00:28:40,630 --> 00:28:44,750 S1: she knew she wanted to communicate but was afraid she'd forget. 442 00:28:45,430 --> 00:28:49,230 S1: She couldn't read the text because the phone was jiggling, 443 00:28:49,670 --> 00:28:52,110 S1: so she put it on the table and folded her 444 00:28:52,110 --> 00:28:55,870 S1: hands in her lap. I don't want you sending the 445 00:28:55,870 --> 00:29:01,230 S1: kids presents, especially the coloring books and Bible stories. I 446 00:29:01,230 --> 00:29:04,750 S1: think it's best if you just don't send anything. A 447 00:29:04,750 --> 00:29:11,190 S1: long pause. Okay, if that's what you want. Elaine stared 448 00:29:11,190 --> 00:29:14,190 S1: at the phone. That was not the reaction she was 449 00:29:14,190 --> 00:29:18,390 S1: prepared to hear. She thought her mother would protest and 450 00:29:18,390 --> 00:29:22,410 S1: moan about the way she was being treated. Instead, there 451 00:29:22,410 --> 00:29:29,690 S1: was acquiescence, almost a submissive spirit in the lull. Dawn said, 452 00:29:30,610 --> 00:29:34,450 S1: can I ask about Amanda and Kenny? How are they doing? 453 00:29:34,970 --> 00:29:39,090 S1: They're fine. Mom. Let's not get off track. Let me 454 00:29:39,130 --> 00:29:43,810 S1: clarify something then, if it's okay, Dawn said without emotion. 455 00:29:44,410 --> 00:29:47,290 S1: Would a birthday card and a gift of money be 456 00:29:47,290 --> 00:29:51,570 S1: all right, or would that be inappropriate? There was a 457 00:29:51,610 --> 00:29:55,530 S1: hint of something when she said the word inappropriate, and 458 00:29:55,530 --> 00:29:58,650 S1: Elaine looked up, but all she could see was the 459 00:29:58,650 --> 00:30:02,930 S1: scowling face of her husband in her mind. His reaction 460 00:30:02,930 --> 00:30:05,930 S1: to the Bible stories, and the way Kenny and Amanda 461 00:30:06,010 --> 00:30:11,610 S1: asked about their grandmother, constantly vexed him behind closed doors, 462 00:30:11,610 --> 00:30:15,570 S1: he had said. I don't want her proselytizing our kids. 463 00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:18,810 S1: If she wants to believe in fairy tales, that's her business. 464 00:30:18,970 --> 00:30:21,880 S1: But I won't have her trying to convert our children. 465 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:27,080 S1: The distance Elaine had asked for was more about keeping 466 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:31,000 S1: peace with her husband and keeping her mother away, but 467 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,880 S1: she didn't want to blame any of this on him 468 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:38,959 S1: and cause even more problems. That was a relational river 469 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,160 S1: she was trying to navigate. But the home waters had 470 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:46,800 S1: become more turbulent lately. I think it's best to just 471 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:51,400 S1: not send anything at this point, Elaine said. Okay. I 472 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:57,840 S1: understand Elaine pushed her phone aside. Do you? Dawn took 473 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:01,400 S1: a sip of her latte. Well, what I mean is, 474 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,560 S1: I understand what you're asking of me. I don't understand why. 475 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,560 S1: I wish I did, but I'm okay with not understanding 476 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:14,480 S1: right now. Elaine narrowed her eyes. What are you trying 477 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:20,300 S1: to pull? Excuse me? Why aren't you yelling or crying? 478 00:31:20,540 --> 00:31:22,820 S1: That's what I remember as a kid. You would cry 479 00:31:22,820 --> 00:31:25,620 S1: about things and get your tissues out by the handful. 480 00:31:25,620 --> 00:31:28,700 S1: And it made me feel so bad when you cried. 481 00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:32,860 S1: I always felt like it was my fault. Dawn sighed 482 00:31:32,860 --> 00:31:36,300 S1: and reached a hand across the table, but Elaine withdrew 483 00:31:36,340 --> 00:31:41,060 S1: hers quickly. Honey. I'm sorry. There are so many things 484 00:31:41,060 --> 00:31:43,740 S1: coming back to me that I said or did when 485 00:31:43,740 --> 00:31:46,420 S1: you and Larry were younger. I could write a book 486 00:31:46,420 --> 00:31:49,620 S1: about the mistakes I made. It would be longer than 487 00:31:49,620 --> 00:31:52,820 S1: War and Peace. I wish I could go back and 488 00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:56,620 S1: do it all over again. Elaine bit her lip and 489 00:31:56,620 --> 00:32:00,540 S1: studied the age spots on her mother's hands. Have you 490 00:32:00,540 --> 00:32:04,220 S1: talked with Larry about me? About the distance between us. 491 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:10,780 S1: Dawn sat back and her shoulders slumped. Yes, we had 492 00:32:10,780 --> 00:32:14,940 S1: a conversation. You know Larry. It was short. He talks 493 00:32:14,940 --> 00:32:19,240 S1: like he's double parked, Elaine felt the old tension and 494 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,160 S1: grit her teeth. She took a deep breath and let 495 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:27,200 S1: it out slowly. What did he say? Basically, that you 496 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:30,080 S1: didn't want to hurt me, but you needed space and 497 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,800 S1: some time. And I asked how long it would take. 498 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,000 S1: And I guess I did a little crying on the 499 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:40,640 S1: phone and moaned and whined a little too. And he said, 500 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:42,680 S1: the two of us would need to work it out. 501 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:48,320 S1: Elaine felt a smile coming and she stifled it. She 502 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,800 S1: had reluctantly talked with her brother about her decision, and 503 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:54,480 S1: had asked him to not try to talk her out 504 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:58,480 S1: of it or communicate anything to their mother. It sounded 505 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,680 S1: like he had mostly kept his word. I also asked 506 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,920 S1: him to tell me what I did wrong and why 507 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:08,240 S1: you would treat me like this. And he said that 508 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:11,120 S1: that would need to come from you. And he said 509 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:15,080 S1: I should wait until you're ready. So here I am. 510 00:33:16,710 --> 00:33:20,270 S1: Elaine stared at the table. There weren't many people in 511 00:33:20,270 --> 00:33:23,390 S1: the coffee shop and she wondered how they kept it open. 512 00:33:23,990 --> 00:33:26,550 S1: She thought of the cost of taxes and payroll and 513 00:33:26,550 --> 00:33:30,270 S1: rent and the rising inflation of the coffee bean. This 514 00:33:30,270 --> 00:33:32,350 S1: is where a mind went when she didn't want to 515 00:33:32,390 --> 00:33:36,470 S1: deal with life. Numbers were a safe place. Other people's 516 00:33:36,470 --> 00:33:39,830 S1: problems and bills and debts were easier to think about 517 00:33:39,830 --> 00:33:43,590 S1: than her own. What else is on your phone there? 518 00:33:43,630 --> 00:33:46,670 S1: Don said I can take it. I'm a big girl. 519 00:33:47,510 --> 00:33:51,670 S1: You won't cry and grab tissues. I can't promise that. 520 00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:53,790 S1: But I do promise to wait until I get back 521 00:33:53,790 --> 00:33:58,670 S1: to my car. Elaine stared at the list on her phone. 522 00:33:59,230 --> 00:34:03,150 S1: She clicked the button and it went blank. She glanced 523 00:34:03,150 --> 00:34:06,990 S1: at the window as water cascaded so hard it splattered 524 00:34:06,990 --> 00:34:12,270 S1: loudly on the pavement and roof. I've missed you, mom. 525 00:34:13,550 --> 00:34:16,569 S1: And at the same time, I feel better with this distance. 526 00:34:17,090 --> 00:34:21,649 S1: I can't explain it. And Larry's right. I don't want 527 00:34:21,690 --> 00:34:26,130 S1: to make your life harder. It's just where I am. 528 00:34:27,810 --> 00:34:31,009 S1: Elaine saw a tear in her mother's eyes and a 529 00:34:31,010 --> 00:34:34,730 S1: switch flipped inside. She was ready to get up and 530 00:34:34,730 --> 00:34:38,770 S1: run into the downpour. But her mother's voice stopped her. 531 00:34:39,690 --> 00:34:43,170 S1: I've missed you, too. But if this is the best 532 00:34:43,170 --> 00:34:47,170 S1: for you right now, take the time you need. I'll 533 00:34:47,170 --> 00:34:52,290 S1: be here. I love you, Elaine put her phone in 534 00:34:52,290 --> 00:34:56,370 S1: her purse and grabbed her keys and stood. Her mother 535 00:34:56,370 --> 00:35:00,210 S1: stood as well and it felt like she expected a hug. 536 00:35:00,850 --> 00:35:05,770 S1: But Elaine could only nod and hurry outside and into 537 00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:13,320 S1: the rain. There's a lot of rain in this story. 538 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:19,160 S1: There's a lot of teardrops. So you've heard the two perspectives. 539 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:23,200 S1: One from the mom, one from the daughter. Now you're 540 00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:28,520 S1: going to hear Hope in our next segment from her perspective. 541 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:51,280 S1: And we'll do that straight ahead on Moody Radio. Three 542 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,879 S1: days before Christmas, with snow flurries in the forecast and 543 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:58,920 S1: an ache in her heart hope Frasier pulled into Dawn's 544 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,719 S1: driveway and stared at the Christmas lights twinkling in the window. 545 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,839 S1: She took a deep breath and willed herself out of 546 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:10,120 S1: the car and up the steps. A dog barked inside 547 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,340 S1: when she rang the doorbell, and when she stepped in, 548 00:36:13,380 --> 00:36:16,339 S1: the fluffy ball of white fur was all over her, 549 00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:20,500 S1: hopping and wagging its tail. Hope knelt and tried to 550 00:36:20,540 --> 00:36:24,980 S1: pet her as she wriggled and sniffed and barked. Muffin 551 00:36:24,980 --> 00:36:28,620 S1: settled down. Dawn said, wiping her hands on her apron. 552 00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:32,819 S1: This is quite a welcome hope said. Dawn gave her 553 00:36:32,820 --> 00:36:36,540 S1: a hug. That dog has been such a comfort. I 554 00:36:36,580 --> 00:36:40,180 S1: hesitated to take her in, but she has brought such life. 555 00:36:40,420 --> 00:36:43,900 S1: Was she a rescue? She was my brother's dog. He 556 00:36:43,900 --> 00:36:47,140 S1: moved overseas and I volunteered to watch her until he 557 00:36:47,140 --> 00:36:50,580 S1: found her a home. She's been here ever since. Come on. 558 00:36:50,580 --> 00:36:54,780 S1: In the kitchen, Hope saw trays of cookies and breed. 559 00:36:54,780 --> 00:36:58,500 S1: Then the sweet aroma of gingerbread and cinnamon. I hope 560 00:36:58,500 --> 00:37:00,820 S1: all of this is not for me. Are you baking 561 00:37:00,820 --> 00:37:04,940 S1: for an army? Dawn chuckled. You'll see. Give me your 562 00:37:04,940 --> 00:37:08,299 S1: coat and put on this apron. Hope had met her 563 00:37:08,300 --> 00:37:11,610 S1: new friend at church and they made a fast, deep 564 00:37:11,610 --> 00:37:16,410 S1: connection because of their shared pain. Hope's children were estranged 565 00:37:16,410 --> 00:37:19,370 S1: from her and her husband, which meant no access to 566 00:37:19,410 --> 00:37:23,890 S1: her grandchildren. Dawn had provided a listening ear, but hadn't 567 00:37:23,890 --> 00:37:26,650 S1: shared much of her own journey. You up for a 568 00:37:26,650 --> 00:37:31,450 S1: little decorating? Dawn said. The cupcakes need icing. I can try. 569 00:37:31,570 --> 00:37:35,290 S1: Hope said she was on her third cupcake when she said, 570 00:37:35,770 --> 00:37:37,930 S1: I want to hear how you've held up these last 571 00:37:37,930 --> 00:37:42,770 S1: three years. The death of your husband. Then losing your grandchildren. 572 00:37:43,170 --> 00:37:46,850 S1: It was a double wound, Dawn said. But the decision 573 00:37:46,850 --> 00:37:51,090 S1: to keep me from the grandkids felt so cruel. Dawn 574 00:37:51,090 --> 00:37:54,170 S1: described the meeting with her daughter at the coffee shop. 575 00:37:54,450 --> 00:37:58,130 S1: I guess I sensed them pulling away, but it still 576 00:37:58,130 --> 00:38:00,770 S1: felt like a punch in the stomach. At first I 577 00:38:00,770 --> 00:38:04,370 S1: believed if I prayed hard enough, God would turn things around. 578 00:38:05,050 --> 00:38:08,050 S1: Someone told me, your grandchildren lived not far from here. 579 00:38:08,290 --> 00:38:11,710 S1: That must have made it even more difficult. Dawn rolled 580 00:38:11,710 --> 00:38:15,310 S1: cookie dough and nodded. So close, but so far away. 581 00:38:15,830 --> 00:38:19,590 S1: I ached to see them, have them spend the night. 582 00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:23,630 S1: Read them a story. And I fought anger and resentment. 583 00:38:23,950 --> 00:38:27,150 S1: But I was losing the battle I had to get help. 584 00:38:27,910 --> 00:38:32,029 S1: From who? You know Rebecca at church. She was a 585 00:38:32,030 --> 00:38:35,630 S1: counselor before her kids came along. She came here and 586 00:38:35,670 --> 00:38:38,589 S1: had me to her house. I spent a lot of 587 00:38:38,590 --> 00:38:42,790 S1: money on tissues. Having Rebecca listen was such a gift. 588 00:38:43,270 --> 00:38:47,709 S1: And you have muffin, Hope said. Dawn laughed. I think 589 00:38:47,710 --> 00:38:49,709 S1: that dog knew more about the pain I was going 590 00:38:49,710 --> 00:38:52,509 S1: through than I did. But there came a point where 591 00:38:52,550 --> 00:38:57,069 S1: Rebecca pushed back. What do you mean? My goal was 592 00:38:57,070 --> 00:39:00,630 S1: getting my grandkids back. So I looked for a strategy, 593 00:39:01,070 --> 00:39:06,030 S1: and Rebecca affirmed my grieving, but gently suggested I choose 594 00:39:06,030 --> 00:39:12,970 S1: between outcome or process. Hope furrowed her brow. Exactly my response, 595 00:39:12,969 --> 00:39:17,210 S1: Don said. She observed that I was committed to the outcome. 596 00:39:17,489 --> 00:39:20,690 S1: I wanted to figure out what to say, how to act, 597 00:39:20,890 --> 00:39:24,850 S1: how to get the grandkids back. I wanted the pain gone. 598 00:39:25,570 --> 00:39:29,450 S1: What was the alternative? Don put the next cookie pan 599 00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:32,089 S1: in the oven and wiped her hands on her apron. 600 00:39:32,570 --> 00:39:35,850 S1: I had to choose whether to trust in myself or 601 00:39:35,850 --> 00:39:40,049 S1: trust in God. Hope frowned. I don't know if I 602 00:39:40,050 --> 00:39:43,850 S1: can do that. Don lifted her head as if she 603 00:39:43,850 --> 00:39:47,730 S1: heard something and checked the front door. Who were you expecting? 604 00:39:47,770 --> 00:39:52,250 S1: Hope said. You'll see. Don opened several boxes of graham 605 00:39:52,250 --> 00:39:55,529 S1: crackers and arranged them on the table. So if you 606 00:39:55,530 --> 00:40:00,370 S1: didn't try to control things, what did you do? First, 607 00:40:00,410 --> 00:40:04,050 S1: I journaled my thoughts and feelings. I got honest with 608 00:40:04,050 --> 00:40:08,879 S1: God and I noticed how real the emotion is in Psalms. 609 00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:12,799 S1: I pour out my complaint before him. I filled up 610 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:17,799 S1: several notebooks pouring out my complaints. And Rebecca was right. 611 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:21,480 S1: God began to do something. I still longed to be 612 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:25,880 S1: with those children. I grieved that loss, but I needed 613 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:29,879 S1: to give them to him and ask him for a breakthrough. 614 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:34,160 S1: Hope studied the kitchen table. Did he give you that? 615 00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:38,719 S1: Don nodded. The breakthrough was that my daughter and her 616 00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:43,960 S1: family moved a four hours drive from here. What? That 617 00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:48,080 S1: doesn't sound like a breakthrough. It was another deep loss. 618 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:53,479 S1: That move brought fresh grief and more questions, which led 619 00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,440 S1: me back to my journal and Psalms. Back to the process. 620 00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:02,240 S1: And I kept seeing the word forgiveness in different passages. 621 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:05,500 S1: I'd argue with God that I would forgive as soon 622 00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:09,580 S1: as they apologized and let me see my grandkids. And 623 00:41:09,580 --> 00:41:13,060 S1: the question surfaced. Am I ready to extend the kind 624 00:41:13,060 --> 00:41:18,100 S1: of forgiveness God extended to me? Could I forgive in 625 00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:21,980 S1: the middle of the pain? Hope put her hands on 626 00:41:21,980 --> 00:41:26,060 S1: the table and leaned forward, shaking her head. I'm in 627 00:41:26,060 --> 00:41:30,180 S1: the same place. I can believe God's in control in 628 00:41:30,180 --> 00:41:34,859 S1: my head, but in my heart I keep failing. I 629 00:41:34,900 --> 00:41:38,540 S1: come back to square one. But you see, you're not. 630 00:41:38,700 --> 00:41:41,980 S1: Don said you're never back where you started. Even if 631 00:41:41,980 --> 00:41:45,779 S1: it feels that way. You're moving forward. I used to 632 00:41:45,780 --> 00:41:49,380 S1: play Candyland with my daughter. All it took was one 633 00:41:49,380 --> 00:41:53,580 S1: card and you were back near the start. I would 634 00:41:53,580 --> 00:41:57,140 S1: love to play that with my grands again, Hope said. 635 00:41:57,780 --> 00:42:02,740 S1: And I pray you will. But my prayer changed to Lord, 636 00:42:02,739 --> 00:42:07,330 S1: help me desire you in this hard process. Give me 637 00:42:07,330 --> 00:42:11,930 S1: the faith to trust you today. I believe you're in control. 638 00:42:12,489 --> 00:42:16,969 S1: Help my unbelief. Dawn rose and grabbed a box of 639 00:42:16,969 --> 00:42:20,049 S1: tissues and sat it in front of Hope. She went 640 00:42:20,050 --> 00:42:23,489 S1: to the door again, then returned and opened a bag 641 00:42:23,489 --> 00:42:27,410 S1: of gumdrops and placed assorted candies by the graham crackers. 642 00:42:27,850 --> 00:42:32,569 S1: They'll be here soon. Who? Hope said. My guests are 643 00:42:32,570 --> 00:42:36,609 S1: going to make gingerbread houses. And I've appointed you as judge. 644 00:42:37,010 --> 00:42:41,410 S1: Who are your guests? Dawn gave her a look. She 645 00:42:41,410 --> 00:42:46,690 S1: raised her eyebrows and stifled a smile. Your grandchildren are coming. 646 00:42:46,930 --> 00:42:51,890 S1: Hope said. Dawn shook her head. Not yet. I live 647 00:42:51,890 --> 00:42:56,529 S1: in the land of not yet. The land of waiting expectantly. 648 00:42:56,690 --> 00:43:02,050 S1: Which is what Christmas is about, right? I suppose. About 649 00:43:02,050 --> 00:43:05,190 S1: a year ago, I was sitting in church feeling hollow. 650 00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:09,310 S1: I had surrendered all I knew to surrender. The pastor 651 00:43:09,310 --> 00:43:13,469 S1: mentioned an urgent need for a third grade Sunday school teacher. 652 00:43:13,830 --> 00:43:16,270 S1: As soon as he said it, I felt a stirring. 653 00:43:16,590 --> 00:43:19,750 S1: And I thought, if I can't be with my grandchildren, 654 00:43:19,750 --> 00:43:22,710 S1: maybe God wants to use me in someone else's life. 655 00:43:23,469 --> 00:43:28,029 S1: The doorbell rang and muffin barked. Two children ran inside, 656 00:43:28,030 --> 00:43:32,350 S1: giggling and squealing as the dog greeted them. If that gingerbread, 657 00:43:32,390 --> 00:43:36,189 S1: the girl said with a slight lisp. Sure is, Don said. 658 00:43:36,190 --> 00:43:40,270 S1: Doesn't it smell good? Smells like Christmas. The boy said. 659 00:43:40,950 --> 00:43:46,270 S1: Another doorbell ring. More children from Don's class tumbled inside. 660 00:43:46,830 --> 00:43:51,149 S1: Hope watched the kids begin their graham cracker construction. But 661 00:43:51,150 --> 00:43:56,109 S1: the ache inside didn't dissipate. It increased. She couldn't help 662 00:43:56,150 --> 00:44:01,020 S1: imagining her own grandchildren at this table. Don put an 663 00:44:01,020 --> 00:44:04,620 S1: arm around her and gave her a hug through tears. 664 00:44:04,660 --> 00:44:11,860 S1: Hope said, this doesn't fix it. No it doesn't. But 665 00:44:11,860 --> 00:44:22,899 S1: doesn't it make the waiting a little sweeter? The land of. 666 00:44:22,900 --> 00:44:27,420 S1: Not yet. Is that where you are right now? As 667 00:44:27,420 --> 00:44:31,860 S1: the parent, as the grandparent, or as the adult child 668 00:44:31,860 --> 00:44:35,500 S1: who longs for a good relationship with a parent? And 669 00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:40,140 S1: you just can't get over that hurdle of the way 670 00:44:40,140 --> 00:44:44,380 S1: that you've been treated of the toxicity. Had a a 671 00:44:44,420 --> 00:44:46,980 S1: husband call in and said, this is what happened with 672 00:44:47,219 --> 00:44:52,060 S1: my wife, of my mother in law refuses to take responsibility. 673 00:44:52,060 --> 00:44:55,580 S1: So they had to go this this route, this no 674 00:44:55,580 --> 00:45:00,319 S1: contact route. So you've just heard how I processed that 675 00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:05,560 S1: story of Dawn, the mom, Elaine, the daughter Hope, the 676 00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:08,279 S1: friend in the same spot, the grandchildren. There's an awful 677 00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:12,160 S1: lot of moving parts in there. And the ending. I 678 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,439 S1: struggled with that ending because I didn't want to just 679 00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:17,239 S1: wrap it up. But there was something that happened in 680 00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:20,120 S1: Dawn's life. It's like. And the same thing that Mary 681 00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:23,320 S1: talked about a little earlier, about the surrender, about, am 682 00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:27,320 S1: I really going to trust God here in this situation? 683 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:30,279 S1: There's also a sense of humility that comes with all 684 00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:33,680 S1: of this. God, what do you want to teach me 685 00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:38,920 S1: in the middle of this very hard situation? It shouldn't 686 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,879 S1: be this way, especially at Christmas. You're supposed to. I'm 687 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:45,560 S1: supposed to have contact with them, and I want that. 688 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,320 S1: This is more than making the best of a bad 689 00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:55,120 S1: situation or finding the positive and the negative. Dawn was 690 00:45:55,120 --> 00:46:00,670 S1: honest with herself. She was honest to God with her pain. 691 00:46:00,670 --> 00:46:04,030 S1: And that's that's what she got out of this whole deal, 692 00:46:04,030 --> 00:46:07,549 S1: was his presence in the journey that she was on 693 00:46:07,550 --> 00:46:10,270 S1: after losing her husband. There's a, you know, a double 694 00:46:10,270 --> 00:46:15,590 S1: wound right there. And maybe that's what we really need 695 00:46:16,310 --> 00:46:22,350 S1: this Christmas. The presence of the one who came to 696 00:46:22,390 --> 00:46:26,750 S1: do what we couldn't do for ourselves. It doesn't erase 697 00:46:26,870 --> 00:46:30,989 S1: the pain. It doesn't erase the struggle or the hard 698 00:46:31,030 --> 00:46:35,189 S1: life situation, but it does help you take one more 699 00:46:35,190 --> 00:46:40,989 S1: step toward him, allowing him access to your life as 700 00:46:40,989 --> 00:46:44,670 S1: well as toward those that you love. Hope that encourages 701 00:46:44,670 --> 00:46:47,950 S1: you today. Chris Fabry Live is a production of Moody Radio, 702 00:46:47,989 --> 00:46:51,710 S1: a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.