S1: Manipulation like deflection. How do you deal with that in
S1: a marriage?
S2: My daughter in law has given up and is ready
S2: to walk out.
S1: He had an indiscretion where he cheated on me. I
S1: am at my wit's end.
S3: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S3: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S3: it's our Dear Gary, broadcast for October. Time to open
S3: the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages,
S3: your marriage, singles, issues and more.
S4: I am excited to hear you present your questions to
S4: Doctor Chapman today. If you want to be on a
S4: future broadcast, call us at 1866424. Gary, write that number down.
S4: Call us when you're not in your car and we
S4: can't hear anything going on around you. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary.
S4: Each week we have a featured resource and today it's
S4: a book that released earlier this month It's titled Your
S4: New Life with Adult Children A Practical Guide for what helps,
S4: what hurts, and What heals. Find out more at Building Relationships.
S4: Dot us and Gary. This is a book you wrote.
S4: The original version, I think came out a number of
S4: years ago. You wrote it with Doctor Ross Campbell, isn't
S4: that right?
S5: That is correct, Chris. Doctor Campbell, you may remember, was
S5: a psychiatrist and he came to me. He had written
S5: several books, but he came to me and said, Gary,
S5: we need to write something for parents of adult children.
S5: And so we did. And this is a revision of that,
S5: because that, as you said, it was a number of
S5: years ago. So a lot of new things in this book,
S5: because the situation is very different today, I'm finding more
S5: and more parents who are struggling with, you know, how
S5: do I respond? I just found out this about my
S5: young adult child, or now they've moved back and just,
S5: you know, all, all kinds of things are going on
S5: today in this area. So this book, I think, is
S5: going to help a lot of parents who have adult
S5: children and are trying to learn. How do I process
S5: all the changes that are taking place here and the
S5: way our relationship is developing? I'm not real happy about this.
S5: So yeah, that's that's why we decided to revise the
S5: book and update the book. So I think it's going
S5: to be helpful to a lot of parents.
S4: Do you deal with things like when your adult child
S4: gets a divorce and the struggle there with and with
S4: the grandchildren? Or what about when your adult children have
S4: distance between you? I don't mean they move across the country.
S4: They don't talk to you anymore, do you? Do you
S4: deal with any of that?
S5: Yes, yes, yes, all of those things and more. I
S5: had a man say the other day. He said, I
S5: have not had a conversation with my adult daughter for
S5: three years. She doesn't respond. I try to call her,
S5: I send her notes, but she doesn't ever never responds. Yeah,
S5: that plus the fact that they often are moving back
S5: home and finish college and move home and don't have
S5: any plans. Ooh that's hard. So yeah, we deal with
S5: basically all the things that I've heard in the last
S5: few years here from parents about what's going on. We
S5: deal with all of those in the book.
S4: Your New Life with Adult Children is the title again.
S4: You can find out more at Building Relationships US. Let
S4: me follow one more thing. The number one mistake. I
S4: don't know if you could boil it down, but what
S4: come to your mind when you think of mistakes that
S4: parents are making with their adult children?
S5: I think one is failing to recognize that they are adults,
S5: and we cannot control their lives as much as we
S5: would like to, as it were. Make them, you know,
S5: do this, that or the other thing. We can't do that.
S5: Just like God does not control his children. Remember, his
S5: first two children went wrong. Adam and Eve. And so
S5: we have to give them the same freedom that God
S5: gives us. And so I think that's one of the
S5: most common things, is just simply not recognizing that. And
S5: what we want to do is what God does. We
S5: want to keep our arms open, you know, ready to
S5: work through whatever the difficulties may be. And if we
S5: have an open heart and we want to love them
S5: just like God loves us, even when we're doing wrong,
S5: we want to love them and not not cut them
S5: off to be sure, they may cut us off, but
S5: we're not going to cut them off. We're going to
S5: keep our arms open and our hearts open.
S4: What a redemptive book and a practical one that will
S4: hit at the heart of any parent with adult children,
S4: or who have children who will be adults one day.
S4: You can find out more about that at the website.
S4: Building relationships.us. The title again Your New Life with Adult
S4: Children A Practical guide for what helps, what hurts and
S4: what heals. Again, go to building relationships. Us. All right,
S4: it's time for your calls. Let's begin with a marriage
S4: struggle that many are going through today.
S6: Hi, Gary. I just have a quick question here. My
S6: husband and I have recently separated, um, in hopes of reconciliation,
S6: but the Bible is a little unclear about other forms
S6: of abuse. Um, specifically like emotional abuse. Not verbal, but
S6: emotional like manipulation. Like deflection. How do you deal with
S6: that in a marriage when you feel so incredibly just
S6: taken for granted and you're what you have to say
S6: is not valued? You know, it's coming from two believers.
S6: So it really just erodes, I think, on a woman's
S6: position in a marriage, and that is ultimately what's gotten
S6: me to this point. Um, I have seriously considered divorce
S6: because it is just incredibly difficult to be in a
S6: position like this. But I know about physical abuse. I
S6: know about verbal abuse, calling names and such. But, you know,
S6: all I see in the Bible is that adultery and
S6: death can separate a man and a woman. But I
S6: have gotten so deeply wounded by his promises to change
S6: and having a little bit of change here and there,
S6: but then regressing back to his old behavior of deflection
S6: and defensiveness and invalidation that has brought me to this point.
S6: So I would just love to hear your thoughts on this.
S6: Thank you.
S5: Well, Chris, I want to thank this caller for sharing
S5: her heart because there are a lot of folks who
S5: can identify with this caller, and I have great empathy
S5: for a person who has gone through this kind of
S5: relationship and sometimes for a long period of time. She
S5: doesn't say how long she's been in this, but. And
S5: I can understand the feeling of, you know, just the
S5: best things just to get out. I don't ever want
S5: to encourage divorce. I think we need to make every
S5: effort we can to redeem a marriage. And God's in
S5: the business of redemption. And I don't know if this
S5: this caller has they've been for counseling or not, but
S5: this is the kind of situation that calls for Christian counseling.
S5: She says that they're separated at the moment with hopes
S5: for reconciliation, and that always should be the hope. If
S5: a Christian separates for any kind of abuse, the hope
S5: ought to be that there can be reconciliation. And that means,
S5: first of all, we don't get involved with someone else
S5: in the meantime while we're separated. But I would say
S5: that wife to say to the husband, I don't know
S5: how you feel about us, but, you know, obviously I'm
S5: very distraught. I'm willing to work on our marriage. And
S5: if you're willing to go for counseling. Uh, I will
S5: go with you. Or you can go begin by yourself.
S5: Or we can go and share together our problem. And
S5: then you work with a counselor on that problem, and
S5: let's see what progress we can make, because it will
S5: not change just with the passing of time. We don't
S5: get better just with passing time. We get better by
S5: getting help and making some decisions to change our behavior
S5: and to deal with our emotions and the internal things
S5: that are going on in our heart and our mind,
S5: and coming to understand ourselves and why we're doing what
S5: we're doing. Listen, all of us need help, and some
S5: of us need more help than others, but we all
S5: need help. So I'm just grateful that she's keeping open
S5: to the possibility of reconciliation. And I think there can
S5: be reconciliation. So if her husband's willing and often it's
S5: a separation thing that wakes a husband up, or it
S5: could be a wife wakes them up to the reality. Oh,
S5: this is bad. I've got to get help. I've got
S5: to get help. And consequently, they will reach out for help.
S5: Whereas before the separation, they were not willing to reach
S5: out for help. So I would just pray that she
S5: would take that kind of step and invite him to
S5: take that kind of step with her and and obviously
S5: praying that God will work in his heart and make
S5: him open to that.
S4: As you say, you cannot control, though he has the
S4: response that he has and you got to deal with
S4: what is. But what I hear you saying is, uh,
S4: if she says to him, I'm struggling with us, and
S4: instead of running away from you, I want to move
S4: toward you, because I care about you, and I care
S4: about us. That that might open the door of his
S4: heart to respond in a different way than he's been responding.
S5: Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. Rather than the approach that
S5: says I'm sick and tired of you. Da da da
S5: da da da da da da. And I'm out of here. Well,
S5: that's not a way to be leaving. You want to
S5: leave with an attitude of love? Not with an attitude
S5: of hatred and frustration and anger. So it makes all
S5: the difference if you're going to separate. It makes all
S5: the difference how you separate and why you separate.
S4: Our featured resource today is the book that might be
S4: just what you need. It's titled Your New Life with
S4: Adult Children A Practical Guide for what helps, what hurts,
S4: and What heals. You can find out more at the website.
S4: Building relationships.us. We love it when you respond to questions
S4: that come up here on the program. And if you.
S4: Dear Gary's ago, we took a call about someone who
S4: had a hearing difficulty and a family member who was
S4: trying to love that person. Well called. Here's a response
S4: to that conversation.
S7: My thoughts are perhaps he is also suffering depression. It
S7: would be not just discouraging, but I would imagine depressing.
S7: With losing your hearing. You're not hearing the subtle things
S7: that other people are hearing. You're not catching the jokes, maybe,
S7: and just knowing that things are not going to get better.
S7: The other thing is that frequently men experience depression as
S7: anger rather than sadness. That's just a thought that I had.
S5: Well, I want to thank this caller for calling in
S5: in response to a question we had some time ago
S5: where the husband was suffering from lack of hearing. He
S5: was moving toward being deaf, and but he was expressing
S5: anger in his life. She's saying, look behind the scenes.
S5: What's going on here? You know, because often, for example,
S5: if you can't hear in a conversation, it's very frustrating.
S5: Other people are interfacing. You can't hear what they're saying,
S5: and sometimes it leads to depression, the scholar is saying.
S5: And she's exactly right. You just you just get kind
S5: of down on your on your situation. You're thinking it's
S5: never going to get any better. I can't hear what's
S5: going on. And often it's expressed in anger. And you
S5: get upset because they're expressing anger and maybe lashing out
S5: with words, whereas in reality it may be depression behind
S5: the scenes. They're just so disturbed. And and yes, anger
S5: is one of the ways that when life just seems
S5: so distressing and so pressured that we do lash out
S5: in anger. So yeah, it's trying to look behind the
S5: scenes to why the person is behaving the way they're behaving.
S5: And that's true not only in a situation where the
S5: person is hearing impaired, but there are a lot of
S5: other situations that people are going through physically and mentally,
S5: that if you look behind the scenes to see what
S5: is going on that's causing this behavior, you will find out.
S5: It's not that they were totally angry with you. They're
S5: just angry with life and the way they feel life
S5: is treating them. So it's a good reminder to all
S5: of us to look behind the scenes, that is behind
S5: the behavior of the person, to ask, where is this
S5: coming from? Because it's always coming from something. And we
S5: and the more we understand that, the better we will
S5: be able to process it.
S4: I think that's a good relational tip for anybody, whether
S4: you're married or single, you're in any kind of relationships
S4: at church or at work, and there comes a person
S4: who shows anger or it's like, well, that was a
S4: little over the top. Rather than saying, well, that's just,
S4: you know, Bill and he's he's mad at everything. The ask,
S4: the harder, the deeper question. I wonder what's going on here,
S4: I wonder, you know, so in that you have empathy
S4: and you move toward that person rather than just judging them.
S4: He's angry again. That's the way he always is. You
S4: try to understand not that you solve every problem and
S4: every anger outburst on of people who are driving on
S4: the road. But you you look like you say, look
S4: behind it.
S5: Yeah, I think that's really important for all of us,
S5: because we're all facing people who seem to be out
S5: of control here and there, and sometimes we get out
S5: of control from time to time. So if you look
S5: behind the scenes and ask, you know what's going on here? Uh,
S5: you may you may find an openness on their part
S5: even to discuss it, depending on your relationship. But to say,
S5: you know, I know this is not you. This is
S5: not this is not who you are. And I'm just wondering,
S5: you know, what's going on. That's that's that's stimulating you
S5: in this way.
S4: The harder thing to do is to look at yourself.
S4: When I get angry like that, it's like I slow down.
S4: What's going on? You know what is really here? And
S4: it may be that relationship that you have with an
S4: adult child. There's something going on and you can't put
S4: your finger on it. And that's why Gary has written
S4: this new updated book with Doctor Ross Campbell. Your New
S4: Life with Adult Children A practical Guide for what helps,
S4: what hurts, and what heals. It's our featured resource. Just
S4: go to building relationships.us. All right. This program, Building Relationships
S4: is not a Bible question hour, but we often deal
S4: with topics that do deal with the theological. And at
S4: some point in a previous Dear Gary, the topic of
S4: baptism came up. Here's our next caller.
S8: I'm a Catholic priest and I have a comment. You
S8: were talking about baptism and that it's just a sign.
S8: You said it needs to be done before for witnessing.
S8: I think you forgot about when Philip baptized the Ethiopian
S8: eunuch in the desert area, and it was just he
S8: and the Ethiopian that he that they were alone and
S8: he baptized him. So I believe baptism isn't just a sign,
S8: it's an encounter with the Holy Spirit. With with the Trinity.
S8: Thank you.
S5: Well, I appreciate this priest calling in and sharing that perspective.
S5: You know, Jesus, of course, was baptized himself by John
S5: the Baptist. And it was certainly a spiritual thing because
S5: the spirit descending like a dove. The voice said, this
S5: is my son, you know, and whom I'm well pleased.
S5: ET cetera, et cetera. I think, however, in, in in
S5: the New Testament, as we follow out with the teachings
S5: of Jesus, baptism is a sign that we it's an
S5: outward and visible expression that we have died to the
S5: old life, which was a self-centered life, and we were
S5: raised to a new life. So it's not just a
S5: testimony to people who might be in the congregation. It's
S5: a physical expression of what's happening to us spiritually. Not
S5: many baptisms take place with just a baptizer and one
S5: person being baptized and no one else. He gives a
S5: biblical illustration where that took place, to be sure, but
S5: it's not that we're doing it for the benefit of
S5: those who are watching. We're doing it as a physical
S5: symbol of a spiritual relationship that we now have with Christ,
S5: that we have died to the old, self-centered life, and
S5: we're resurrected to the new life of following Christ. So
S5: I don't think we're far off on that, because I
S5: was not trying to communicate that we were doing it
S5: for the benefit of those who are watching. We're doing
S5: it really in obedience to what Christ said, because he said,
S5: go into all the world and make disciples of all nations,
S5: baptizing them in the name of the father, son, and
S5: Holy Spirit. So we're following what Jesus taught.
S4: I looked up the moody Bible commentary on that before
S4: the program today. And in the New Testament. What you see,
S4: especially in the book of acts, is you identify with Christ, boom,
S4: you get baptized. You know, it's like it happened then,
S4: that it was an almost an immediate thing. And in
S4: acts chapter eight is where this conversion happens when Philip
S4: is going down the road and he comes upon this
S4: Ethiopian eunuch. Well, an angel of the Lord speaks to
S4: him and tells him, go over there. And the eunuch
S4: is reading Isaiah, and he's he's reading. He was led
S4: like a sheep to the slaughter. And as a lamb
S4: is silent before its shearer, so he does not open
S4: his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who
S4: will describe his generation? For his life is taken from
S4: the earth. And the eunuch said to Philip, who is
S4: he talking about? That's my version. The favorite version. Uh.
S4: And Philip then tells him the good news about Jesus
S4: and about from the Old Testament all the way down
S4: and what happened to him. And and the eunuch says, look,
S4: there's water. What would keep me from being baptized. And
S4: so that's the that's the context of what happens right
S4: there that there's not a big crowd didn't bother God
S4: at all. This was a as you said, a response
S4: from this is what I believe now. I've trusted fully
S4: in Jesus. And this is my outward expression with me
S4: and you, Philip. Uh, and I like that. I like that,
S4: you know, the immediacy of that whole thing, don't you?
S5: Oh, absolutely. Chris. It's it's it's powerful. And I think
S5: normally baptism typically does follow rather quickly after we have
S5: made that personal decision to receive Christ as our Savior
S5: and Lord.
S4: Yeah. And it is encouraging to those around who are
S4: seeing that as well. So thank you to our caller
S4: for that question. Now, another call from a wife who
S4: is dealing with a marriage that feels beyond hope.
S7: Hi, Gary. I didn't know I was dealing with something
S7: called sex addiction. I am at my wit's end. My
S7: faith is pretty much on a thread. The bottom line
S7: is what ended up happening between pornography lying. The deceiving
S7: is the worst part. Um, apparently a tremendous amount of gaslighting,
S7: even to the point where I got help because I
S7: was convinced I was the problem. The church basically ran
S7: the other way when I exposed what had gone on
S7: when there was actually sex with somebody at work. A patient, actually.
S7: Then it got worse. Then we did every course counseling,
S7: deliverance inpatient treatment in the last two years when this
S7: all came about. We moved back in together this February
S7: after a lot of money and a lot of time
S7: and a lot of pain over a decade. This time
S7: it's just hit me differently and I don't know what
S7: to do. I don't know what kind of help is
S7: out there. I've never felt so shafted by the Christian community.
S7: Nobody wants to deal with sexual immorality or how bad
S7: it is. After ten years, do I jump out? Is
S7: there any hope? Is my marriage over? I think it is.
S7: I can't hear pray through this and you know, do
S7: this more and join a praying Wives club. I've done
S7: it all. You name it, I've done it. We really
S7: need help. Badly. I'm his third wife. He's my first marriage.
S7: I got married at 42, and I feel trapped and hopeless.
S7: And it's hard for me to even pray. And I
S7: just don't know if there's any hope or if I'm stuck.
S7: So that's it.
S9: Thanks. Hi.
S5: Well, you have to feel empathy for this caller because
S5: it seems like she feels like she's gone through everything
S5: she can to try to find healing from infidelity in
S5: a marriage. And apparently she felt she had made some progress,
S5: or they had made some progress, or she would not
S5: have moved back in, you know, two years ago. But
S5: here she is now, two years later. And what she
S5: doesn't make clear, and what I don't know is, has
S5: he gone back to infidelity or has he gone back
S5: to pornography, which in a sense is infidelity. The Bible says,
S5: and you're looking at a woman and lusting after her.
S5: Jesus uses the word adultery. So I don't know, you know,
S5: what has happened in these two years in terms of
S5: his behavior. But if he in fact has reverted to
S5: some of that, you can certainly understand the pain and
S5: the hurt and the sense of hopelessness that she has.
S5: And I don't know where the feeling came from her
S5: that the church had deserted her, or the church was
S5: not helpful to her. I don't know all that happened
S5: in that situation, to be sure, but I would say
S5: before she makes a decision just to get out, it
S5: would be far more likely to be productive if he
S5: and she will go to a Christian counselor. And I
S5: don't know what they've done in the past, but to
S5: go to a Christian counselor who can help them begin
S5: to process this and where they go from here. And
S5: if he will not go with her, then I definitely
S5: would suggest she go by herself. Don't make a decision
S5: to just bail out of the marriage relationship without having
S5: a Christian counselor help you think through what you're doing,
S5: why you're doing it, and how to do it. So
S5: those would be my thoughts.
S4: If he is sexually involved with other people, though, she
S4: does have to protect herself in the marriage from from disease.
S4: The sexually transmitted diseases at those types of things, that
S4: would be a good place to be. Good question to ask, right?
S5: Yeah, absolutely. And that's that's what a counselor would, you know,
S5: discern rather early on is what is he doing presently,
S5: you know, since they've come back together. Uh, because that's
S5: that's all important to be to be sure.
S4: The the cry of her heart, Gary, that I heard
S4: most clearly, I feel trapped and hopeless. That's a really
S4: hard place to be, isn't it?
S5: Well, it is, Chris, and you can understand why a
S5: person can get there. You know, she was 42 when
S5: she got married. Never been married before. Married a man
S5: that had been married twice before. She's his third wife.
S5: And then he behaves in the manner he has behaved,
S5: which apparently was pornography. And then. Actual, you know, sexual
S5: intercourse with someone other than his wife. You know, and
S5: I don't know what happened during the time they were separated.
S5: I don't know what they what kind of process they
S5: went through. But then if they came back, there must
S5: have been some hope in her mind when they moved
S5: back together two years ago. But now, if it's if
S5: he's reverted to the same lifestyle, I mean, there's there's
S5: a place, uh, you know, for the Christian to say
S5: I love you too much to sit here and do
S5: nothing and simply watch you do what I know is wrong.
S5: So there's a place for tough love.
S3: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S3: Thanks for listening and for telling others about the conversations
S3: we have here. When you go to five Love languages.com,
S3: you can find more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just
S3: click the resources tab and you'll find the podcast there
S3: and our featured resource, Your New Life with Adult Children
S3: a practical guide for what helps, what hurts, and what heals. Again,
S3: go to five Love languages.com.
S4: Here's an interesting question from a mom who has read
S4: your books, but wonders about an individual using the love
S4: language concept for her own mental health.
S10: Gary, I've read multiple books that you've published. I have
S10: a teenager, and I'm noticing there's a lack due to
S10: some mental health issues going on. For the love language
S10: for yourself. And I wondered if that's something you had
S10: thought about or considered.
S5: Well, two things come to my mind, Chris, when I
S5: hear that question, I'm not sure that I fully understand it,
S5: but as a parent and we discover our teenagers primary
S5: love language and that concept. And so we're reaching out
S5: to make sure they feel loved. We also need to
S5: help our teenager understand mother has a love tank. Mother
S5: has a need for love too. And mother's love language
S5: is this so that that teenager can learn? Love is
S5: a two way process, and every teenager needs to learn
S5: how to love their parents in a meaningful way. The
S5: other thing that she may have been alluding to is
S5: how do I meet my need to feel loved if
S5: I'm not in a loving relationship with a husband or
S5: a wife or anyone else with a close relationship. And
S5: what I would say is I wrote a book called
S5: God Speaks Your Love Language, in which I'm talking about
S5: the fact that God speaks all five love languages fluently.
S5: And so whatever this lady is, primary love language is
S5: if she will spend some time in the scriptures. Or
S5: you might start with my book because my book is
S5: based on the scriptures. You'll see that God loves you deeply,
S5: and God speaks your love language on a regular basis.
S5: I wrote another book called Seeing Known and Loved. God
S5: sees you. God knows you, and God loves you. So
S5: when we feel like nobody else loves us, we can
S5: discover for sure God loves us and he loves us.
S5: And he speaks that love in our love language. And
S5: I think many people have found spiritual healing in the
S5: reality of God's love for them, because we often speak
S5: of God's love as just kind of a broad category.
S5: But in reality, God speaks all five of the love
S5: languages very, very fluently. And if we're simply, we'll think
S5: about it. We can see God's love being expressed to us.
S4: Again, if you'd like to ask a question of Doctor
S4: Gary Chapman, our number is 6424. Gary. Our next question
S4: might be one that you address in your book, Your
S4: New Life with Adult children. Here's a mom in law's
S4: cry of the heart.
S7: So I do have an issue that my mother in
S7: law are struggling with. He's been neglectful for the last
S7: couple of years, and my daughter in law has given
S7: up and is ready to walk out. So I need
S7: to know how to minister to.
S11: Them to have encouragement on. My daughter in law's heart
S11: has been hardened. I just need to know how to
S11: help them and if to help them with my words
S11: of wisdom or pray for them. So I appreciate your help.
S5: I hear this as a mother who obviously is brokenhearted,
S5: as it were, because her daughter in law is at
S5: the point of leaving her son their married and she's
S5: ready to give up on the marriage. And the mother
S5: is asking, how do I reach out to deal in
S5: this situation? I think, first of all, she does ask
S5: God to give her wisdom on how to respond in
S5: that situation. I don't know if the daughter in law
S5: is even open to a conversation with her, but if
S5: they have a relationship where she can say to the
S5: daughter in law, why don't you share with me your
S5: pain and what has led you to this decision? I
S5: don't know if I can be of help or not,
S5: but I deeply empathize with you. Obviously, you're hurting deeply.
S5: It may be if she has that kind of relationship
S5: that that daughter in law will open up to her
S5: and will tell her, you know, why she has come
S5: to the place where she is, which may involve some
S5: things that her husband and the son of this lady
S5: who called in, has done or has not done that
S5: has brought her to this place. On the other hand,
S5: of course, it could be that the daughter in law
S5: is suffering from things that have happened in her past life,
S5: and she's now struggling with things that she's never resolved.
S5: So there's no way of knowing what's going on in
S5: that couple's life. But I think as a mother and
S5: as a mother in law, we need to keep an
S5: open heart and an open mind and let them know
S5: that we love them, that if there's anything we can
S5: do to help them, we would be happy to do it.
S5: For example, we might offer to pay for their counseling
S5: if they're in a situation where they say, well, we
S5: can't go for counseling. We don't have enough money to
S5: do that. Offer to pay for that or offer to
S5: help them find a Christian counselor if they would be
S5: willing to go. That would certainly be a positive thing
S5: if they were open to it. But I think mainly
S5: it's not writing them off and not writing your daughter
S5: in law off, but doing everything you can to let
S5: her know that you love her. And if there's anything
S5: you can do to help, you want to help. Again,
S5: we can't control what your son does, and we can't
S5: control what your daughter in law does. But we can
S5: let them know that we love them, and we want
S5: to help them if they're open to help.
S4: So you do deal with this in the new book
S4: that you have published, your new life with adult children.
S4: This is one of the big topics that parents are
S4: dealing with, right?
S5: Absolutely, Chris. There are all kinds of things that our
S5: adult children are doing or are involved in. In this case,
S5: it's a marriage that's having problems that as we as
S5: adults and as parents, we want the best for our children.
S5: If they're married, we want them to have a good marriage.
S5: Sometimes we don't know how to approach what to do,
S5: what not to do, and we can end up preaching
S5: to them, you know, which which is not going to
S5: help because it comes across as condemnation. What they need
S5: is to have empathy. Tell tell me, honey. What what
S5: brought you to this place? And you listen to them,
S5: and you can empathize with them. And you can say,
S5: I can see how you'd get to that place, you know? Now,
S5: I wonder, however, is there something we can do that's
S5: better than just just divorcing? Would you be open to
S5: going to see a counselor? If so, I'd be glad
S5: to pay for it. If that's a problem. If finances
S5: is a problem, so it's being empathetic and not writing
S5: them off for condemning them for, you know, even thinking
S5: about divorce.
S12: Yeah, it sounds like this.
S4: Mom of the daughter in law, son and daughter in
S4: law has really thought through this well and is struggling
S4: with this. But it's in that struggle that sometimes your
S4: heart comes through to the other person where you don't.
S4: You're not just pushing your what you think ought to
S4: happen here and don't do this or do do that,
S4: but your heart really comes out your heart of love.
S4: So I think that would be a help to you
S4: if you read the new book, Your New Life with
S4: Adult Children. It's our featured resource at Building relationships.us. All right, Gary,
S4: here's another call before we take a quick break from
S4: a wife and a crisis.
S13: Hi Gary, I have been with my husband for 15 years.
S13: Currently we are undergoing a crisis program. A couple years
S13: ago now, he had an indiscretion where he cheated on
S13: me and we hadn't been able to really recover from that.
S13: After that, he was gone on deployment and then when
S13: he came back, I saw that he was watching porn.
S13: But this counselor essentially gave him an ultimatum to decide
S13: whether he wanted to be in this relationship or not,
S13: because he thinks that I'm the source of all of
S13: his problems, even though I am not. Essentially, this counselor
S13: is giving him the option to get out of this
S13: marriage and to work on himself in that direction, but
S13: I wouldn't want to go through another separation. So one
S13: last thing that happened. I was away this last week,
S13: and when I came back, my husband had lied and
S13: actually cheated with somebody. I confronted him about it. He
S13: said that he wanted a divorce, and that's why this
S13: counselor gave him the ultimatum. Because he thinks that if
S13: he's lying and actually not doing what he says he's
S13: going to do, then there's no point in him wanting
S13: to be in this marriage. Obviously, he's going to run away.
S13: He loves to avoid everything that's conflictive. And to him,
S13: the situation right now is to just get rid of
S13: me and get rid of the program. I don't know,
S13: I don't know if this counselor is the right fit
S13: for us. We have a few sessions left of the program,
S13: but I'm scared that he is doing a disservice to
S13: our relationship instead of actually showing my husband the nurturing
S13: way toward getting the meaning of marriage. Because my husband
S13: was really good at some points, and unfortunately, I think
S13: I'm the one who really contributed to him feeling low
S13: because out of desperation, I also was very insulting and
S13: aggressive a lot of the times where I couldn't get
S13: through to him, and so now he feels a lot
S13: of rejection from me. And this is his way of
S13: getting validation and affirmation from other sources. I'm just concerned
S13: that him pushing him to decide whether he's going to
S13: stay in our marriage or not in the next four days,
S13: during the most stressful time of his life, is not
S13: the way to go, but I have also prayed to
S13: God that this program would come to fruition. So I'm
S13: not sure. I'm just confused, but I wanted to see
S13: what your take is. And regarding this counselors approach. Thank you.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, it's hard to make a judgment
S5: on the counselor that she's talking about because I don't know,
S5: you know, the full story there. I do understand her
S5: to be saying that he cheated on her, and then
S5: that as he was involved with somebody else sexually, then
S5: he was deployed a military military deployment came back, and
S5: then he was on porn, and then they'd gone to
S5: see a counselor. And then when she was out of
S5: town for a while last week or whatever, he cheated
S5: on her again, got involved with somebody else again. And
S5: so the counselor is suggesting to him that maybe he
S5: needs to It needs to divorce because he's lying to
S5: her about it and he's being unfaithful to her about it.
S5: It may well be the counselor is trying to keep
S5: her from having to continue in a relationship in which
S5: he's been unfaithful twice, plus the pawn. And she's saying,
S5: you know, it seems to me he's never going to
S5: be faithful. He's lying. So why would you even want
S5: to stay with him? So I don't I don't know
S5: where the counselor is coming from and I can't really
S5: comment on that. But I do hear her saying that
S5: she wants to work on the marriage. She says she
S5: doesn't know if she should continue in this particular program,
S5: because the counselor is encouraging him to leave and divorce her.
S5: But I think her her desire and her prayer, she
S5: said to God for wisdom on what she should do.
S5: It seems to me she has a desire to work
S5: on the marriage in spite of all that she's gone through,
S5: which I would admire that about her that she's willing
S5: to work on the marriage, wants to work on the marriage.
S5: But again, I would say to her, remember, you can't
S5: control your husband. You can't make him not divorce you.
S5: If that is in fact what he decides to do, basically,
S5: you have to accept the reality that people can make
S5: wrong decisions or poor decisions and trust God to walk
S5: with you through that process. So it's a very, very
S5: difficult situation, and there's no easy answer to it. I
S5: don't know if the counselor he's seeing is a Christian,
S5: and I don't know if he's a Christian. Don't know
S5: if you're a Christian, though. I got the sense that
S5: you perhaps are the best alternative. I think in a
S5: situation like this is both of you be seeing a
S5: Christian counselor who has a Christian worldview, and who will
S5: try to help you draw on the power of God
S5: to change behaviors so that you can have the marriage
S5: that both of you wanted to have, because she said
S5: that there's been periods in which he was he was good.
S5: He did a lot of good things and they enjoyed
S5: life together. So certainly keep open to that. And maybe
S5: ask him if he'd be willing to go to a
S5: Christian counselor with you. But again, keep in mind you
S5: cannot control him. You cannot make him work on the marriage,
S5: and you cannot keep him from filing for divorce if
S5: that's what he chooses to do. And in that case,
S5: rely on God. Ask God to help you as you
S5: walk through this. It'll be it's very, very painful and
S5: it's not what you want. But ask God to walk
S5: with you through the process and to give you wisdom
S5: in how to respond.
S4: All right, Gary, this question did not come in from
S4: a listener. This is my own question. I could disguise
S4: my voice, but I'll just ask you. Um, the election
S4: is a week and a half away. Big election, maybe
S4: the biggest that we've ever had. That's what I hear
S4: every four years. And it's true. You know it's important.
S4: I've never heard you tell anybody for whom to vote.
S4: You've never told me who I ought to vote for.
S4: And I'm not going to ask you, who should I
S4: vote for? Gary, I want you to talk about voting
S4: and relationships. All the contention, all the rancor, friends, workmates,
S4: the yard signs, even spouses. Talk about that and what
S4: you would suggest as we move forward.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, first of all, I think we
S5: should be thankful that we have an opportunity to vote
S5: because there are countries where people don't vote on their leaders.
S5: The leaders were established by an overthrow of the government beforehand,
S5: and it's a dictatorship and that's the way it operates.
S5: But in America, we have the chance to vote on
S5: our leaders. Therefore, it's extremely important that we examine what
S5: the leaders stand for. And so I think many people
S5: have been doing that. They've been thinking the situation. They've
S5: been looking at the different platforms on which people are running.
S5: And I think as Christians, we want to choose a
S5: person who has a platform, who has ideas that are
S5: more in keeping with the Scriptures and God's pattern for life.
S5: I don't ever say, you know, you should vote for
S5: this person or that person, I think. But I think
S5: we should look as closely as we can at what
S5: the person or persons, because there's many different. It's not
S5: just a presidential election. There's many other people that are
S5: running for office is to look at what their platform is,
S5: what they say that they believe in and, and, and
S5: their past to see if they have if they've followed
S5: those things in the past. We want to be faithful.
S5: And I think the other thing is to pray. Ask
S5: God to give us wisdom on whom we should vote
S5: for in every, in every office. God is sovereign. I mean,
S5: the scriptures talk about God raises up a king and
S5: God gets rid of a king. But we're we're also
S5: a part of the process that God uses. And we
S5: just want to be faithful as a Christian, to take
S5: time to know who we're voting for and know as
S5: much as we can about them, and to vote for
S5: the person that we think is going to be most
S5: closely aligned with biblical principles of what is right and
S5: what is wrong. Uh, that's my basic thrust and basic
S5: challenge to the Christian.
S4: The greatest example of what you are talking about then,
S4: about getting along with each other after we do vote
S4: is my dad and his brother. Because at the time
S4: when I was a kid, I didn't know which was
S4: a Republican and which was a Democrat, but they were
S4: different parties and they would they would meet at the
S4: courthouse or the elementary school where they where they voted.
S4: And my uncle was one of the precinct captains. I
S4: think he was a Democratic Party precinct captain, and he
S4: would look at my dad and he'd say, hello, Republican.
S4: And my dad would say, hello, Democrat, and they would
S4: cancel each other's vote out, you know, just.
S14: About every time. But they had they had a, you know,
S14: they disagreed.
S4: They they had deep disagreements about one thing or another,
S4: but they still loved each other and they still communicated
S4: with each other, and they ate muskmelon together and watermelon.
S4: My my uncle had the greatest, biggest watermelon patch you
S4: ever did. See. I had no idea how he did.
S14: That, but.
S4: It's like, I love you too much to let all
S4: of the political come between us, and it doesn't seem
S4: like we're there anymore. You know, maybe this is pie
S4: in the sky for me to even talk about it,
S4: but I long for that to be able to get to,
S4: to get along together with people that we disagree with.
S5: Yeah. I think that's so key. And you're right. that's
S5: that's largely lacking in our society today. It's like we
S5: want to destroy the persons that we disagree with. And
S5: especially if we're Christians. I mean, you know, we're brothers
S5: and sisters. Christians are brothers and sisters, and we're in
S5: this same thing. And and our identity is not with
S5: a political party. Our identity is we are children of
S5: the living God. And we must never allow our identity
S5: to be determined by a person's political position. Uh, we're
S5: children of God. And we're seeking to live best we
S5: know how, day by day, following the principles of God.
S5: And that. Yeah, that affects the way we vote, that
S5: affects the way we do everything. But if somebody disagrees
S5: with us, they are humans, whether they're Christians or not,
S5: and they are made in the image of God. And
S5: we must respect each other as humans and give each
S5: other freedom to be, you know, make choices. God gives
S5: us that freedom. Adam and Eve were God's children. They
S5: made a poor choice that affected everything and still affects us.
S5: But God gives humans the freedom to make choices, and
S5: we must give people the freedom to make choices, even
S5: if their choices that we think are very, very poor choices.
S5: And we must treat people with dignity and respect. We're
S5: never going to win the world to Christ by by
S5: being disrespectful to humans who disagree with us. The most
S5: important thing is do you have a relationship with Jesus Christ?
S5: That's that's what the Christian's main job is. Yes, we
S5: want to be faithful citizens. We want to make wise
S5: decisions and who we vote for. And we want to
S5: pray that God will guide the process to give us
S5: leaders that are going to be closer to a biblical pattern.
S5: But at the same time, we are going to treat
S5: people with love Because it's love that drew us to Christ,
S5: and it'll be love that draws people to Christ. Not hatred,
S5: but love. And we're God's emissaries. We're to be light
S5: in the midst of darkness. And light shines by loving
S5: people wherever they are, whatever they're doing, and seeking to
S5: point them to Christ. Because the ultimate longing of the
S5: human heart is to have a relationship with the God
S5: who's really there. Of course, in our culture, many people
S5: have even denied that there is a God. But the
S5: reality is, whether they believe in him or not, there
S5: is a God and that God loves them and we
S5: are his ambassadors.
S4: I keep coming back to that sovereignty thing. Gary, thank
S4: you for saying that. That's a good answer. Good. Last
S4: question for our program here. A week and a half
S4: before the election. And if you go to the website
S4: Building Relationships US, you'll see our featured resource for today,
S4: Your New Life with Adult Children a Practical guide for
S4: what helps, what hurts and what heals. Just go to
S4: building relationships. Dot us and again, we'd love to hear
S4: your feedback. If you have a question for Doctor Chapman,
S4: call 1866424. Gary, leave your message. You might hear an
S4: answer on a future broadcast.
S5: 1-866-424-4279 and next week my friend Debbie Bar will talk
S5: about making a choice that sets you free.
S3: We'll find out what that choice is in one week.
S3: A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick
S3: and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is
S3: a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with
S3: Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.