S1: She's always arguing with me and belittling me and calling
S1: me names that I cannot repeat. I have all those
S1: love languages. I'm sure everybody does. I've been praying that
S1: God would soften her heart towards me. I thought I was.
S2: The only one that was feeling this way.
S3: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S3: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S3: our final broadcast of 2024. As we take your calls
S3: and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember,
S3: if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in
S3: the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S4: I am really encouraged with the response to some of
S4: our recent programs. Gary, and you're going to hear a
S4: number of men's voices on the program today. Love it
S4: when men Get Involved. A featured resource at Building Relationships
S4: US is the five Love Languages for men. Workbook bundle.
S4: Now this is five love languages for men and then
S4: the accompanying workbook. You can find out more at Building
S4: Relationships us. But I want you to hear at the start, Gary,
S4: tell us a little more about this workbook and this
S4: edition that's geared specifically to men.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, on the book itself, the Five
S5: Love Languages for men is obviously the same five love languages,
S5: but I'm giving the guys a little extra help. Okay.
S5: In terms of how do we speak these love languages?
S5: And you don't have to have positive feelings at the moment,
S5: but you're choosing an attitude of love, and then you're
S5: learning how to speak these love languages. But the workbook
S5: I am really excited about this because, you know, it's
S5: one thing to read a book. It's another thing chapter
S5: by chapter to apply what you've read. And the workbook
S5: helps you do that. You read the chapter, then you
S5: turn to the workbook and it helps you apply what
S5: you just read. So I think it's going to help
S5: men in a really practical way, to continue to grow
S5: in their ability to share love in a meaningful way
S5: to their spouses.
S6: Yes.
S4: Again, you can find out more. Just go to Building relationships.us.
S4: The featured resource is the five Love Languages for men
S4: Workbook bundle. Just go to building relationships.us. All right I
S4: want to begin by reading a question from a listener.
S4: She teaches a marriage class with her husband. They use
S4: the Five Love Languages book they give them as gifts
S4: and prizes, which I think is a great idea. And
S4: she recommends that people take the free quiz, the assessment
S4: at the website, and people have said to her that
S4: the quiz is no longer free. You have to pay,
S4: you know there's a cost for it. So I want
S4: you to clear that up for us and tell us
S4: what is the difference between the free assessment and the
S4: one that has a cost?
S5: Yeah, well the new one is called the Premium Assessment,
S5: which gives you a lot more information than simply what
S5: your primary love language is. Uh, it will tell you
S5: some of the dialects and help you discover the dialects
S5: of your primary love language, which are, you know, different
S5: ways and avenues in which to express your primary language
S5: to others or for them to express it to you.
S5: And it also deals with personality and how your personality
S5: interfaces with your love languages. So it's really a lot
S5: more help in that premium assessment. The other one, of course,
S5: is still free. And we we want to keep it
S5: that way because we want people to be able to
S5: determine their primary love language easily and freely.
S4: So if you go to building relationships.us, you'll see that
S4: assessment right there. Both the free assessment and the one
S4: that has a cost with it, the premium. Just go
S4: to building relationships.us. Us. Here's another five love languages question
S4: a basic one, plus kind of a curious response from
S4: a spouse about the book.
S7: Hi, Gary. Question for you. The five love languages. I
S7: understand those, but I have all those love languages. I'm
S7: sure everybody does. Or maybe. Are they ranked in order?
S7: Strangely enough, like, I guess that's question one. Question two
S7: would be I gave your book to my wife. This
S7: would be years ago. She was furious, and she thought
S7: it was inappropriate that I gave it to her. She's
S7: a beast. Even these days. Even these days, she's kind
S7: of a beast and doesn't take kindly to being told
S7: what to do, but she sure likes to hand it out. Anyways,
S7: back to my question number one. Everybody has those love
S7: languages built into them. One might be stronger or not. Thanks.
S5: Well, I think it is true that all five of
S5: these are legitimate ways to express love. and I think
S5: all of us would receive any one of the five.
S5: We're not opposed to any one of these five. But yes,
S5: the key is that each of us has what I
S5: call a primary love language. That is, one of the
S5: five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four.
S5: We can receive love in all five, but if we
S5: don't receive love in our primary language, likely we will
S5: not feel loved even though the other person is expressing
S5: love in some of the other ways. And that, I think,
S5: is what has helped so many couples learn how to
S5: effectively communicate love to their spouse. Now, the fact that
S5: your wife got upset about your giving her the book.
S5: I can't read her mind, of course, but my guess
S5: is she thought this was you saying to her, girl,
S5: you got to learn my love language. You read this
S5: book and you can love me more effectively. And so
S5: she's pushing back on that. She doesn't like to be
S5: told what to do. And that's why sometimes I've said
S5: to to couples, especially if their marriage is a little
S5: bit strained. Anyway, why don't you have one of her
S5: friends give her the book rather than you giving it
S5: to her, because you give it to her as she reads,
S5: she's thinking, what is he trying to tell me? What
S5: is he trying to tell me? But if a friend
S5: gives it to her, the lights begin to come on.
S5: She said, oh, this makes a lot of sense, you know. No.
S5: This is why I sometimes don't feel loved by my husband.
S5: He's not speaking my primary language, and I wonder if
S5: I'm speaking his primary language. Well, just a thought. Okay,
S5: too late for you, but hopefully helpful to others.
S4: Well, it might not be too late to go back
S4: and say, you know, you must have felt like I
S4: had an agenda here or there was an expectations. This
S4: is something that really helped me and turned the light
S4: on for me. And I thought it might be helpful
S4: for you as well. Um, and, you know, to, to
S4: reintroduce that and show a little bit of his heart
S4: rather than her feeling like, oh, he just wants me
S4: to do this so that, you know, he'll feel loved again.
S4: That could break down some barriers, don't you think?
S5: Well, I think so. It's certainly worth a try. You
S5: know nothing to be lost. So, yeah, you know, I
S5: think all of us, we are all self-centered. And when
S5: we read the book, many times, we're thinking in terms of, oh,
S5: my spouse is not speaking my language. That's why I
S5: don't feel loved. You know, we're thinking about ourselves and
S5: that's okay. And the book is designed to help us
S5: both understand ourselves. But also the emphasis in the book
S5: is learning how to express love to your spouse in
S5: their primary love language. And consequently, if you do that
S5: over an extended period of time, chances are they're going
S5: to start speaking your language because love stimulates love. The
S5: Bible says we love God because he first loved us.
S5: So in a relationship, that same principle is true. You
S5: love your spouse and their primary love language over an
S5: extended period of time. There's a good chance that your
S5: love coming through to them is going to stimulate inside
S5: of them a desire to learn to speak your love language.
S4: Our featured resource is the Five Love Languages for men
S4: workbook bundle might be a great way to start the
S4: new year for men who want to learn more about
S4: the love language concept, just go to Building Relationships. Dot
S4: us Gary. On the second Saturday in November, we aired
S4: a program we had with Sheri Mueller and her book,
S4: I Want Him to Want Me How to Respond When
S4: Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex. And we had a number
S4: of calls related to that broadcast that I want you
S4: to hear. So for parents listening with young kids, these
S4: next few calls deal with intimacy in marriage.
S8: I heard your program today, Gary. And all I can
S8: say is. Wow. Thank you so much. Gary and Chris
S8: and Andrea and especially Sherry Mueller. I got married when
S8: I was 25. I found Playboy magazines under the couch.
S8: He wouldn't sleep with me. I, um, he'd sleep on
S8: the couch until I was asleep in bed. I bought
S8: a black, sexy nightgown, and he said, you know, I
S8: like you better naked. So it was awful. And finally,
S8: I'm 76 now. And now, praise God, and thank you,
S8: thank you, thank you all for giving me the answer
S8: to what really was emotional abuse. And I was embarrassed
S8: to tell anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, I think there may be a
S5: lot of listeners, ladies in particular, who have struggled with
S5: this through the years but did not want to share
S5: it with anybody because they had all these thoughts of,
S5: you know, why is he like this? You know, why
S5: is he not like other men? Or at least like
S5: I think other men are? Uh, but they're just they're
S5: just afraid to share it. They don't want to share it.
S5: And this is really a powerful thing for her after
S5: all these years, to hear someone talking about this openly
S5: and it resonates with her, you know, and she realizes
S5: that this is not normal. This is not natural. I
S5: don't know if her husband's still alive or not at
S5: that age, but at any rate, I'm glad she found
S5: it helpful and I hope others did as well.
S4: This next call then, is representative of the women, like
S4: our first caller who responded to Shari Mueller and her
S4: message in what she said back in November.
S2: Hi, Gary. The program today I've been an answer to
S2: a lot of thinking that I've been doing. I am
S2: in a relationship with my husband that he does not
S2: want to be intimate, and it's very hurtful and very demeaning.
S2: And this sheds a great light on what I have
S2: hesitated to talk about. I thought I was the only
S2: one that was feeling this way. Anyway, thank you for
S2: your program. God bless. Bye.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, there may be people listening today
S5: who did not hear that program give us the name
S5: of that book again, because I would hope that ladies
S5: in that situation would read that book because it's very,
S5: very helpful.
S4: Yes. I want him to want me. How to respond
S4: when your husband doesn't want sex. And the website, if
S4: you go to building relationships us and you go through
S4: our past programs. You can hear that program if you
S4: didn't hear it back in November. So just go to
S4: building relationships.us. And when you find that program, you'll also
S4: see a link to the book as well. I Want
S4: Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller. The other thing
S4: about that program was Gary, Sherry's husband, came on toward
S4: the end of the program, and we had a little
S4: conversation with him as well. But it's representative that the
S4: wound or the the hurt, the pain of one person
S4: can help somebody else. And what I really resonated with
S4: that call is I thought I was the only one.
S4: There are a lot of women and a lot of
S4: men too, about different issues that feel that way. I
S4: think I'm the only one here, and sharing our stories
S4: just brings down the walls there.
S5: I think you're right. And this is why, you know,
S5: I encourage couples. I don't care what the problem is
S5: if you've struggled with it for a long time. Go
S5: for counseling and probably what you'll find out. You're not
S5: the only one who's struggling with this. Counselors are familiar
S5: with all kinds of struggles in marriage, and if people
S5: would just be willing to reach out, you know, they
S5: can find help. Books can help, but counseling can also
S5: be very, very important.
S4: Here's a response from a caller who thought that the program,
S4: he could leave the message and get it answered right then.
S4: So let me just say, if you call 866424 Gary
S4: and leave a message, it will be for a future
S4: dear Gary broadcast. Okay. And we'd love to hear your
S4: response to this program or a question that you're going
S4: through right now. 1866424. Gary. But here's our next caller.
S9: Hi, Gary. For years, I used to fantasize about having
S9: sex with imaginary women. And after I got married, it
S9: affected my sex life. Could you comment on that, please.
S9: Thank you.
S5: You know, Chris, I think many men do not realize
S5: how their involvement with pornography or thoughts which this man
S5: talks about imaginary thoughts with having sex with a particular
S5: woman that you might see in the course of your
S5: journey day by day. I think a lot of men
S5: don't realize how that is going to affect them later on,
S5: because what they've done is built an imaginary picture of
S5: what it would be like and how wonderful it would be.
S5: And then they get married in the real world with
S5: a real person, and they find out, oh, this is
S5: this is not what I thought it was going to be.
S5: You know, that's why my conference is you know what
S5: I'm talking about this part of the marriage. I say
S5: we have to grow together in marriage to learn how
S5: to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. It's not automatic,
S5: you know, just jumping in bed and it's going to happen.
S5: It's a learning process, just like we have to learn
S5: in many other areas of life to work together as
S5: a team. And I think all of those unreal experiences,
S5: whether it's imaginary or whether it's pornography, set us up
S5: to be defeated and discouraged when we get married, because
S5: we're going to sense this is not what I thought
S5: it was going to be. So yeah, I'm glad he
S5: called because I think that's a topic many men need
S5: to hear.
S4: Yes, and I think that's what we've done this program
S4: before to this topic. I think that's why these Facebook
S4: romances from old flames from high school kind of bubbled
S4: to the surface in a person's life, men or women,
S4: because we remember the the feelings that we had, you know,
S4: when we were 17, 18, 19, early 20s with this
S4: person and that maybe were never even realized you never
S4: got physical with them. But the memory of that comes
S4: back when you see them all these years later and
S4: you think, well, what if I'd made that choice? That's
S4: a lure that the enemy uses, isn't it?
S5: I think so, Chris. And I think many times they're
S5: in a marriage now with another person that's not going well.
S5: And they're thinking, oh, if I'd married her, it wouldn't
S5: be like this reality. She's a human, too, and you're
S5: a human. And you would have similar, not necessarily the
S5: same problems, but similar problems as well. And that's why
S5: I think communication is so important in this part of
S5: our marriage. And many couples don't talk about it, you know,
S5: they just think it's supposed to happen. They don't discuss it.
S5: You know what's meaningful to you, what's not meaningful to you,
S5: what turns you on? What turns you off? I mean,
S5: you know, real conversations, helping each other understand how we
S5: can have mutual sexual satisfaction, which I think is God's
S5: design for marriage.
S6: Yes.
S4: And that's one of the things that Sherry Mueller talked
S4: about again. Her book is I want him to want me.
S4: We aired the program the second Saturday in November. Just
S4: go to Building Relationships us. And if you didn't hear that,
S4: you can hear it again. And you can see more
S4: about that book. I want him to want me. Okay.
S4: One more response from a man who wanted to give
S4: a little different perspective.
S10: Hi, Gary. I hear, um, this lady on the show.
S10: She's speaking, um, about the lack of interest her husband
S10: seems to have towards her when it comes to sex
S10: or being intimate, but I haven't heard anyone mention anything
S10: about their husband's age or his health condition. And that's
S10: because a lot of men have low testosterone. The urgency
S10: for sexual relations is not nearly as strong as it
S10: used to be in the past, but also they have
S10: other distractions. And don't forget, we live in a spiritual,
S10: wicked world where the spirit of the devil is very present.
S10: They can have sexual desires and urgency for other peoples,
S10: more so than their wife, and their focus is there.
S10: Or they could have secret relationships and their wife knows
S10: nothing about it. Therefore, their desires for her gets weaker
S10: and weaker and weaker, and whatever the other person they're
S10: being with, it gets stronger and stronger. Over a period
S10: of time, they may lose that desire for their wife completely.
S10: It doesn't mean they have lost their sexual desires, but
S10: they have lost their sexual desires for her. And on
S10: the other hand, is she doing anything at all to
S10: make her husband desires strong enough that he had that
S10: same sexual appetite for her as he does with someone
S10: else he could be involved with. They might just want
S10: to ask him, can you be honest with me and
S10: just tell me, what is it? Because we have no
S10: sexual relationship or it's so weak until it's unreal. Can
S10: you please explain to me your position? Some women have
S10: an essay or don't know how. I'm sure it's an
S10: embarrassing question, but somehow it needs to come up or
S10: the relationship would be dead in that area. Thank you
S10: and have a great day.
S5: Chris, I think this caller is touching on some very
S5: real things in many marriages and why some men are
S5: not involved as much with their wives because they're either
S5: satisfying their sexual desires with pornography, or they are involved
S5: physically with somebody else that the wife is unaware of,
S5: that he was giving good advice to wives. If that's
S5: if that's the case, you might just ask your husband,
S5: be honest with me now. What's going on? Where are
S5: you finding sexual satisfaction? He may or may not be
S5: honest with you, but at least it would. It's worth
S5: asking the question. Then the other point he's making is
S5: there is a physical dimension to sexuality. And yes, there
S5: may be a physical problem with the husband. He mentioned
S5: one of those. But if a man himself knows that
S5: he doesn't have the sexual desire for his wife or
S5: anyone else, then it's worth a medical exam to find
S5: out if he needs to seek some medical attention as well.
S4: That's really helpful. And again, if you go to building relationships. Us?
S4: You can find that book. I want him to want me.
S4: The second Saturday in November is when we aired the
S4: conversation with Sherry Mueller. Just go to building. relationships.us. Have
S4: time for a question here. Gary, that I found going
S4: back through my email. And I don't think I ever
S4: asked you this question, but this was back during the pandemic,
S4: you know, so it's been a few years. I'm writing
S4: about a friend who has a real problem, and I
S4: don't know how to advise her. Her husband has a
S4: shady past with alcohol, drugs, and adultery. He claims he
S4: became a Christian two years ago. He was doing well,
S4: but recently he's fallen off the wagon. It started with
S4: drinking and he's gone downhill to the point of visiting
S4: strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his
S4: Christian wife and won't answer calls. He is upsetting the
S4: entire household, which includes several young children. He's not violent,
S4: but she's at her wits end trying to deal with
S4: him and caring for her children, which includes an infant.
S4: She's been putting up with this most of their married life,
S4: and was actually delivering their third baby alone because he
S4: had gone away. She's forgiven him over and over again
S4: and wants the marriage to work. He keeps saying that
S4: he's sorry and then goes back to his shenanigans. I
S4: would like to tell her to leave, but she really
S4: has no family here in this area. She's seeking godly advice.
S4: What would you advise?
S5: Well, Chris, you have to be moved just by reading.
S5: Reading that. And I understand why she would say, you know,
S5: just get out that that sometimes seems like the only thing.
S5: But it's very difficult when you have five children and
S5: no family to turn to. I would really hope that
S5: this wife could see a Christian counselor, or if she
S5: can't afford that, that somebody would help her find a
S5: Christian counselor that can not only hear her struggle, but
S5: also help hold her husband accountable. It would be great.
S5: He said he became a Christian two years ago if
S5: that was in the context of a local church, and
S5: if he actually joined the local church, I think perhaps
S5: talking to the pastor as well, or a Christian counselor,
S5: the pastor might suggest, because someone outside the family who
S5: is a Christian may be having the information you're sharing,
S5: willing to call him and say, you know, your wife
S5: came to me for some counseling and I really want
S5: to help her, but I really need to hear your perspective.
S5: Would you be willing to come and see me? And
S5: a pastor can do that. You know, I've done that
S5: many times through the years when only one person would
S5: come for counseling, and I've never had anyone that wouldn't
S5: come in. If I say I need your perspective on
S5: the marriage, but as they come in, then you have
S5: an opportunity to hear their side of the story, but
S5: also an opportunity to lovingly confront them with the reality
S5: that this lifestyle is not going to lead to a
S5: healthy marriage. And God can help you. You know, for
S5: two years, it seems like maybe he did fairly well.
S5: God can help you break these habits. You don't have
S5: to continue in this lifestyle, but someone has. You know,
S5: God uses people and so someone confronting him in a loving,
S5: kind way. Maybe God's answer in turning him around. And
S5: obviously with five children, they need a father, but they
S5: don't need a father that's not contributing, that's causing problems.
S5: So I think confrontation, loving confrontation, she would have to
S5: have someone outside the family confronting him if it's going
S5: to be most effective.
S6: Yeah.
S4: The reason I wanted to read that today is, you know,
S4: maybe there's somebody who's going through that right now, or
S4: maybe that man who was written about, you know, is
S4: out there and he's listening, or he's open then to
S4: restoration and, and true forgiveness and, and coming back and,
S4: and real redemption, you know, that comes along because that
S4: can happen. There is hope for that person, even with
S4: alcohol and drugs and and all that he was involved with.
S4: There is new life. There's abundant life available for him,
S4: isn't there?
S5: Absolutely. And when a person like that, if he really
S5: did become a Christian, if he's confronted by a Christian
S5: who's lovingly confronting him and gently confronting him, he's far
S5: more likely to be open to that person, because they
S5: bring not only the realization that this has got to change,
S5: but they come with the realization God can give you
S5: the power to do this. Many, many people have beaten
S5: this kind of lifestyle. So yeah, that's the key. But
S5: it doesn't happen if someone doesn't confront him. Because when
S5: you're into alcohol, drugs and sexual relationships of all kinds
S5: outside the marriage, that does not stop simply with the
S5: passing of time. There has to be confrontation. But if
S5: a person is a Christian at all, they will likely
S5: respond positively to that kind of confrontation.
S3: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S3: Thanks for listening and for telling others about our conversations.
S3: When you go to five Love languages.com, you can find
S3: more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the resources
S3: tab and you'll find the podcast there and today's featured resource.
S3: Again go to five Love languages.com.
S4: Gary, you answered a question about a spiritual mismatch on
S4: a Dear Gary broadcast. This was back at the end
S4: of September. Here's a follow up to that call.
S11: Hi, Gary. A stronger answer could have advised the mother
S11: to suggest her son and the Hindu woman have premarital
S11: counseling and read premarital books. Also read related articles. And
S11: I suggested it would recommend that they talk to others
S11: who have experienced pitfalls, from marriage to someone who is
S11: not a Christian, but who has another God. This is
S11: a serious issue. Thank you.
S5: Well, Chris, I don't remember what my answer was to
S5: the original question. This mismatch in marriage. But obviously what
S5: she's saying is true. Uh, premarital counseling and reading books
S5: on marriage Age beforehand. You know, the book I wrote
S5: is called things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got married.
S5: And I deal with the spiritual issue in that book,
S5: among other things, it has to be dealt with. Are
S5: we marching to the beat of the same drummer? If
S5: we've got two different gods and everything that flows out
S5: of those beliefs in God, we're setting ourselves up for
S5: trouble in marriage. And I have had couples who've read
S5: my book and actually decided not to get married, because
S5: in this area or some other areas, they realize they
S5: were just too far apart to to have, you know,
S5: real communion in a relationship. And certainly then premarital counseling
S5: is the ideal. If you sit down with a premarital counselor, uh,
S5: even even if they're not a Christian, they're probably going
S5: to say to you, you're living in two different worlds,
S5: a Hindu world and a Christian world, two different worlds.
S5: You guys need to really take this seriously. So her
S5: advice was good.
S4: I think the caller back in September was a mom
S4: who was concerned about her son and then future daughter
S4: in law. That's what I think was happening. And so
S4: you were speaking mainly to the mom, and because she said,
S4: what can I do? And and so this caller was
S4: hearing that through. Well, you should have told her this
S4: and that. So if you ever hear Gary answer a
S4: question and you say the same thing, Gary, why didn't
S4: you say this? Call us 866424. Gary. Gary's humble enough
S4: to say he doesn't know everything. And believe it. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary.
S4: Because you may say something. You may miss something even
S4: in the question. Though you very rarely do that that
S4: somebody else can pick up on. That's helpful, isn't it?
S5: Absolutely. Chris, I'm always open to ideas or responses to
S5: what I've said, negative or positive.
S4: So your call Your question might help someone else who's
S4: listening in the new year, which is right around the corner.
S4: Call with your question or response. 1866424 Gary, we'd love
S4: to hear from you. Now here's a man with a
S4: difficult situation.
S12: Hi, Gary. Um, I just heard a wife call in
S12: that was working on. She had been separated with the
S12: hopes of reconciliation with her husband, who had been not
S12: physically or whatever, you know, abusing her, but more emotionally
S12: and invalidating her thoughts and her contributions. And I thought
S12: I heard you mention that it might be the other way.
S12: It could be the other way. And, you know, my
S12: wife hasn't really expressed any terms of endearment or love
S12: for for years. And I've been praying that God would
S12: soften her heart towards me, that he would keep me
S12: a faithful, loving husband. I've tried to get her to
S12: go to counseling. I've been to counseling and she would
S12: refuse to go. It's my understanding that I have no
S12: option to separate from her because I'm accountable as the husband.
S12: I'd like your thoughts on that, please.
S5: Well, I think any time a husband is married to
S5: a wife who is not affirming him at all and
S5: not expressing, you know, expressions of love to him at all,
S5: it's very difficult. But I admire this husband because he
S5: is also demonstrating a deep commitment to his faith in
S5: God and his commitment to marriage. Because marriage in the
S5: Bible is seen as a covenant that we make with
S5: each other in the presence of God, that we are
S5: going to be there for each other. And simply because
S5: one spouse is not responding in a positive way doesn't
S5: give us grounds to divorce them. Listen, many people are
S5: not expressing love to their spouse at certain phases in
S5: that life. But I would say this if he has
S5: a friend or a contact with a friend of hers,
S5: and if she has never read the five love languages,
S5: if a friend could give that book to her, it
S5: may be something God could use to open her eyes. Now,
S5: maybe that's already happened. I don't know. But a wife
S5: that's not responding to her husband with affirmation or any
S5: expressions of love if she reads that book many times
S5: God has used it to help that woman come to see. Oh,
S5: this is this. This makes sense to me. And I've
S5: seen marriages that were either. Neither one of them had
S5: hope that things were going to get better. But they
S5: do get better when they understand the concept of the
S5: five love languages. The other thing I would say is
S5: if you know her love language, then you continue speaking
S5: that language and speaking on a regular basis. Because if
S5: indeed you are touching her emotionally, that is meeting that
S5: emotional need for love in her life, she's far more
S5: likely to begin to treat you in a different way.
S5: And I don't know if you know her love language
S5: or not, and you can't really tell her. You know,
S5: I need to know your love language because I want
S5: to love you better. That's probably too brazen. But again,
S5: if she could have that book in her hands and
S5: read it, then you could have a conversation that might
S5: really turn things around.
S4: That situation is not the the normal slash usual one
S4: that I hear. I more often hear women call and say,
S4: my my husband, you know, doesn't love me and I
S4: can't get him to go to counseling that he, you know,
S4: that he is gone. And he says she's not open
S4: to this. Uh, as you said, I really respect him
S4: for doing that hard work in himself and going to
S4: the counselor. But a lot of times it's the other
S4: way around, isn't it?
S5: Absolutely, Chris. Far more common that wives say, my husband
S5: will not go for counseling. He won't read a book
S5: on marriage. He won't go to a marriage conference. He
S5: won't even talk about us.
S6: Yeah.
S5: You know, and that's that's tragic because we can't grow
S5: if we don't communicate and talk about our relationship in
S5: a positive way. I don't mean arguing all the time,
S5: but I mean talking about it openly and honestly with
S5: each other.
S4: Is there a way? Here's my final question about this.
S4: Is there a way to soften someone else's heart?
S5: Well, I think to communicate love to her and to
S5: say to her, perhaps, you know, honey, I don't know
S5: how you feel about us and our relationship, but I really,
S5: in my heart, I love you. Now, I don't know
S5: if it comes across to you that way. I don't
S5: know if you're really feeling my love. But deep in
S5: my heart I love you deeply. And I'm not. I'm
S5: not sure I'm coming across. I'm not sure you're sensing
S5: how deeply I love you. Can can you can you
S5: give me some insight on that? She may well open
S5: up to him, you know, and he may realize that indeed,
S5: even though she may know nothing about the love language concept,
S5: he may realize he has been missing her because he's speaking.
S5: He's loving her, but not in her love language. So
S5: she may not feel loved by him, just as he
S5: doesn't feel loved by her. But I think in conversation
S5: in which you're turning it on yourself and saying, I
S5: really want to have a good marriage. And I know
S5: that one of the most important things is that people
S5: feel loved. And I know in my heart I do
S5: love you, but I'm not sure you feel that I
S5: love you. She opens up to that he may get
S5: some information that will help him to know how to
S5: invest his time and energy in the most effective way,
S5: in expressing love to her, which then touches her heart
S5: and makes her open to respond to him in a
S5: different way.
S4: She feels demeaned and dismissed and doesn't feel heard. How
S4: do you deal with that in a marriage? Here's our
S4: next caller.
S13: Hi, Gary. Just wondering, what do I do? My husband
S13: always talks down to me like I am not important.
S13: And then when I ever try talking to him, he
S13: doesn't act like he's listening or that he cares what
S13: I have to say. And that even the sentence he
S13: tries to hurry me up to finishing it or rolls
S13: his eyes so I never feel like he cares what
S13: I'm saying and Seems to always not care about me
S13: as far as my opinion or my mind, or just
S13: don't know what to do anymore. And was thinking yes,
S13: that this was abuse because he doesn't. He talks to
S13: me like not good. Thank you.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, when you hear, uh, where she
S5: is in this relationship and how she feels, you have
S5: you have to have empathy for that because it's very
S5: difficult when you feel like, you know, you're not really
S5: valued and your ideas are not valued by your spouse. Oh,
S5: what might she do? You know, I don't know if
S5: she's ever read the five love languages or not, but
S5: if she could read it and he could read it,
S5: it could be transformative in that marriage. Another step in
S5: the process might be for her to say to him, honey,
S5: I've been thinking a lot about us and I want
S5: to ask you a question. How could I be a
S5: better wife to you? He might be shocked by the question.
S5: He may have an immediate answer and tell you 2
S5: or 3 things that would make you a better wife.
S5: But what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but
S5: you can change yourself. So if you're open to asking
S5: that question to him and he's giving you an answer
S5: and you respond to that in a positive way, he
S5: may in time ask you that question. You know, you
S5: asked me this question some time ago and and I
S5: shared some things with you on how you could be
S5: a better wife. And I just want to say I
S5: really appreciate the changes you've made. So let me ask you,
S5: how could I be a better husband. That would be
S5: an approach. I have no idea how he would respond
S5: if you asked that, but I do know it would
S5: be a non-threatening thing to him. You're not telling him
S5: what he should do. You're not complaining about how you feel.
S5: You're asking him a question. What could I do to
S5: be a better wife? And then if you respond to
S5: what he says, you might find that that would be
S5: the road to eventually him learning to respect you and
S5: show that respect and show that love to you, because
S5: your love would stimulate love in him. That's a pattern.
S4: You know how I responded to her call, especially with
S4: the dismissal or hurry up, you know, get to the point.
S4: Come on. I wonder if there's. If she felt that
S4: way in in the past, in any other relationship, maybe
S4: in her family or mom or dad siblings that she had,
S4: you know? Come on, get to the point. Move along.
S4: And so when he says that, and when he acts
S4: that way, it touches this nerve inside that even pushes
S4: her down even further. And I'm not saying that, you know,
S4: it's she's the problem. I'm just saying that it makes
S4: it more painful for her to have somebody that she's
S4: committed to and loves act that way toward her.
S5: Well, that is certainly a possibility, Chris, no question about it.
S5: That experiences we've had in childhood and we've if we
S5: felt put down, that our ideas are not important to
S5: the family members that we grew up in, then we
S5: get into a marriage and we find that it triggers
S5: back those emotions that we felt way back then. And
S5: many times we're not even realizing where it's coming from.
S5: We don't realize this is the way it was when
S5: I was growing up. Now here's my husband treating me
S5: the same way. Yeah, that could well be a part
S5: of it. And that's why her going for counseling could
S5: be helpful.
S14: For her.
S5: To understand herself and why she's feeling what she's feeling.
S4: Yes, and that might elicit some questions from him as well.
S4: If she if she changes a little bit in the
S4: relationship and he's asking what's going on with you, you know,
S4: after she goes along for counseling. Um, that's not a panacea.
S4: You know, it's not a fix for everything, but learning
S4: more about yourself is always a good thing. And, uh, Gary,
S4: thanks for that answer. We have one more final call
S4: here on our dear Gary, the last one of 2024.
S4: And this is another response to the Sherry Mueller program,
S4: which dealt with intimacy in marriage. Again, if you didn't
S4: hear that conversation, go to building. relationships.us. You can hear
S4: the program from November 8th right there. Building relationships.us. Here's
S4: our final question of 2024.
S15: Thank you for your, uh, your show today. It was awesome.
S15: I just want to throw my two my $0.02. My wife,
S15: she loves to argue and fight and so this makes
S15: me not really want to be making love to somebody
S15: who is so hateful. She's not a Christian. And also
S15: I love her because I'm a Christian, but she hates
S15: God and she's always making fun of me for reading
S15: the Bible every day. But I will still love her
S15: no matter what. But why? I don't want to make
S15: love to her because she's always arguing with me and
S15: hateful and belittling me and calling me names that I
S15: cannot cannot repeat. But I'm going to love her. I'm
S15: going to stay in this marriage no matter what. She's
S15: broken up with me like a thousand times, and I've
S15: never broken up with her when we were not married.
S15: One time I did just to show her that maybe
S15: it's my fault. Whatever. I'm just saying. Fighting and hating
S15: and saying that she don't love me and she hates
S15: me and all that. And then. Now you want me
S15: to make love to you. It's just, you know, I
S15: just feel like. And that's what I told her. I
S15: only told her one time. I said, I just feel
S15: like you don't. You don't love me. You hate me,
S15: you despise me. And that's why. Okay. Thank you for listening.
S5: Well, Chris, in a situation like this, he's describing what
S5: I think other men might describe as the problem in
S5: his situation as to why he is not interested in
S5: being intimate with her. And when you realize that you're
S5: hearing that sort of thing day after day after day,
S5: we're not drawn to to a spouse. If we're getting
S5: all that negative stuff, you know, coming from them. I
S5: really appreciate his commitment. You know, his sense of commitment.
S5: He's not going to walk away from her. The question
S5: would be, what can he do that might help the situation?
S5: And he probably has no idea. And I'm not sure
S5: I have any good ideas, to be honest with you.
S5: When you when you hear that sort of thing day
S5: after day after day. But again, let me go back
S5: to what I just suggested to the other caller. What
S5: if he said to her, I know that our relationship
S5: is not what it should be, and I have the
S5: sense that you sometimes hate me, that you sometimes, uh,
S5: and he can tell whatever he's heard from her. But
S5: what I want to do, I want to ask you,
S5: can you just give me 1 or 2 things that
S5: I could do or not do that would make me
S5: a better husband? And the reason I say 1 or
S5: 2 is because I want to be able to work
S5: on them. And you might have 16 but if you
S5: give me 1 or 2 and let me see if
S5: I can work on those, then in a month or
S5: so I'll ask you again and you can give me
S5: some other ideas. Again, I'm operating on the reality. He
S5: cannot make her change. He cannot change her. The only
S5: person he can change is himself. And my guess is
S5: that he's just been trying to survive all these negative
S5: words that she's throwing at him, and he's having not
S5: only a hard time in the physical area, but in
S5: the rest of life. I mean, when you live with
S5: that all the time, it's hard to live with. And
S5: so the same God who gives him the power to
S5: live with that and to stay in the marriage, can
S5: give him the power to honestly ask how he could
S5: be a better husband. And then honestly, with God's help,
S5: begin to make some changes and he just might see
S5: a change in her. But at least he's taking initiative
S5: to do something rather than just, you know, sit there
S5: and continue to go through the same old thing over
S5: and over.
S6: Right.
S4: White knuckle it. Yeah. You know, the other thing, it
S4: sounds like he's not hiding his faith. You know, she
S4: knows about his his faith in God. And and she
S4: makes fun of him or demeans him for that. And
S4: and my question is, I wonder why this intense hatred
S4: toward God or toward Christianity. Or maybe it's his his
S4: brand of Christianity. Or maybe there's something like the earlier call.
S4: There's something that happened to her way back when, and
S4: that is bubbling up here. And this is she thinks,
S4: I didn't sign up for this, you know, and he
S4: can't know that unless they have those kinds of conversations.
S5: Yeah, you're right, Chris. That's why I think, again, you know,
S5: open conversations are important. So many couples go through years
S5: of not willing to discuss with each other their problems
S5: unless they do it in a negative, condemning way, which
S5: is what she's doing to him. And and so they
S5: just keep that lifestyle of just shooting each other. And
S5: it's it's never going to lead to anything positive if
S5: they continue to shoot each other. That's why I sometimes
S5: say the first step in a marriage like that is
S5: to call a truce. What if we just say, you know, honey,
S5: we've shot each other so much, we both are wounded.
S5: Can we just have a truce? And for maybe for
S5: the for a month. Agree that we will not shoot
S5: each other. We will not throw verbal bombs at each
S5: other just for a month and see. See what it's like.
S5: And maybe we can get calm enough that we can
S5: begin to work on our marriage. So sometimes calling a truce,
S5: if both are willing to do it. But somebody's got
S5: to bring it up. And if you go for a
S5: month without shooting each other, you might be a different
S5: climate that you could then talk about some other things.
S5: So yeah, it's communication, but it's hard when you're both
S5: just shooting each other.
S4: Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number
S4: where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman or
S4: respond to something maybe you've heard today. 1866424. Gary. What
S4: you ask? What's going on in your life might help
S4: somebody else as well as yourself. Eight. 866424. Gary is
S4: our number for any question or comment you have about
S4: your relationships in the New Year. We'd love to hear
S4: from you. If you go to the website Building Relationships Us,
S4: you'll find our featured resource right there the five Love
S4: Languages for Men Workbook bundle. Just go to Building relationships.us.
S5: And next week we begin 2025 with a program about
S5: men and sexual purity.
S3: Don't miss the conversation about a bold biblical battle plan
S3: for men to start the New Year. A big thank
S3: you to our hard working production team, Steve Wick and Janice.
S3: Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production
S3: of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry
S3: of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and.
UU: Happy New Year.