WEBVTT - Dear Gary | December 0:00:01.129 --> 0:00:04.250 She's always arguing with me and belittling me and calling 0:00:04.250 --> 0:00:07.010 me names that I cannot repeat. I have all those 0:00:07.010 --> 0:00:09.770 love languages. I'm sure everybody does. I've been praying that 0:00:09.770 --> 0:00:12.650 God would soften her heart towards me. I thought I was. 0:00:12.680 --> 0:00:15.230 The only one that was feeling this way. 0:00:19.310 --> 0:00:23.450 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:23.450 --> 0:00:27.590 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:27.590 --> 0:00:31.190 our final broadcast of 2024. As we take your calls 0:00:31.190 --> 0:00:34.880 and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember, 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:37.159 if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:46.430 the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279. 0:00:46.460 --> 0:00:49.040 I am really encouraged with the response to some of 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:51.230 our recent programs. Gary, and you're going to hear a 0:00:51.229 --> 0:00:54.140 number of men's voices on the program today. Love it 0:00:54.140 --> 0:00:57.950 when men Get Involved. A featured resource at Building Relationships 0:00:58.190 --> 0:01:03.080 US is the five Love Languages for men. Workbook bundle. 0:01:03.110 --> 0:01:06.410 Now this is five love languages for men and then 0:01:06.410 --> 0:01:09.830 the accompanying workbook. You can find out more at Building 0:01:09.830 --> 0:01:13.940 Relationships us. But I want you to hear at the start, Gary, 0:01:13.940 --> 0:01:16.610 tell us a little more about this workbook and this 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:19.520 edition that's geared specifically to men. 0:01:19.550 --> 0:01:23.179 Well, you know, Chris, on the book itself, the Five 0:01:23.209 --> 0:01:27.440 Love Languages for men is obviously the same five love languages, 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:30.890 but I'm giving the guys a little extra help. Okay. 0:01:31.340 --> 0:01:34.759 In terms of how do we speak these love languages? 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:38.240 And you don't have to have positive feelings at the moment, 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:41.779 but you're choosing an attitude of love, and then you're 0:01:41.780 --> 0:01:44.929 learning how to speak these love languages. But the workbook 0:01:44.930 --> 0:01:47.690 I am really excited about this because, you know, it's 0:01:47.690 --> 0:01:51.410 one thing to read a book. It's another thing chapter 0:01:51.410 --> 0:01:55.940 by chapter to apply what you've read. And the workbook 0:01:55.940 --> 0:01:58.970 helps you do that. You read the chapter, then you 0:01:58.970 --> 0:02:01.610 turn to the workbook and it helps you apply what 0:02:01.610 --> 0:02:04.550 you just read. So I think it's going to help 0:02:04.550 --> 0:02:09.470 men in a really practical way, to continue to grow 0:02:09.470 --> 0:02:12.830 in their ability to share love in a meaningful way 0:02:12.830 --> 0:02:13.910 to their spouses. 0:02:13.940 --> 0:02:14.510 Yes. 0:02:14.540 --> 0:02:18.679 Again, you can find out more. Just go to Building relationships.us. 0:02:18.710 --> 0:02:22.040 The featured resource is the five Love Languages for men 0:02:22.070 --> 0:02:27.590 Workbook bundle. Just go to building relationships.us. All right I 0:02:27.590 --> 0:02:30.290 want to begin by reading a question from a listener. 0:02:30.320 --> 0:02:33.440 She teaches a marriage class with her husband. They use 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:36.260 the Five Love Languages book they give them as gifts 0:02:36.260 --> 0:02:39.169 and prizes, which I think is a great idea. And 0:02:39.169 --> 0:02:42.530 she recommends that people take the free quiz, the assessment 0:02:42.530 --> 0:02:45.110 at the website, and people have said to her that 0:02:45.110 --> 0:02:47.630 the quiz is no longer free. You have to pay, 0:02:47.660 --> 0:02:49.400 you know there's a cost for it. So I want 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:51.590 you to clear that up for us and tell us 0:02:51.590 --> 0:02:54.980 what is the difference between the free assessment and the 0:02:54.980 --> 0:02:56.750 one that has a cost? 0:02:56.780 --> 0:03:00.860 Yeah, well the new one is called the Premium Assessment, 0:03:00.860 --> 0:03:04.520 which gives you a lot more information than simply what 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:07.940 your primary love language is. Uh, it will tell you 0:03:07.940 --> 0:03:11.480 some of the dialects and help you discover the dialects 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:14.480 of your primary love language, which are, you know, different 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:18.529 ways and avenues in which to express your primary language 0:03:18.530 --> 0:03:21.770 to others or for them to express it to you. 0:03:21.770 --> 0:03:25.880 And it also deals with personality and how your personality 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.780 interfaces with your love languages. So it's really a lot 0:03:29.780 --> 0:03:33.860 more help in that premium assessment. The other one, of course, 0:03:33.860 --> 0:03:37.070 is still free. And we we want to keep it 0:03:37.070 --> 0:03:39.110 that way because we want people to be able to 0:03:39.110 --> 0:03:42.350 determine their primary love language easily and freely. 0:03:42.380 --> 0:03:45.860 So if you go to building relationships.us, you'll see that 0:03:45.860 --> 0:03:49.580 assessment right there. Both the free assessment and the one 0:03:49.580 --> 0:03:52.340 that has a cost with it, the premium. Just go 0:03:52.340 --> 0:03:57.650 to building relationships.us. Us. Here's another five love languages question 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:01.610 a basic one, plus kind of a curious response from 0:04:01.610 --> 0:04:03.440 a spouse about the book. 0:04:04.460 --> 0:04:08.210 Hi, Gary. Question for you. The five love languages. I 0:04:08.210 --> 0:04:11.300 understand those, but I have all those love languages. I'm 0:04:11.300 --> 0:04:15.800 sure everybody does. Or maybe. Are they ranked in order? 0:04:15.950 --> 0:04:19.100 Strangely enough, like, I guess that's question one. Question two 0:04:19.130 --> 0:04:22.250 would be I gave your book to my wife. This 0:04:22.250 --> 0:04:26.810 would be years ago. She was furious, and she thought 0:04:26.810 --> 0:04:29.900 it was inappropriate that I gave it to her. She's 0:04:29.900 --> 0:04:32.360 a beast. Even these days. Even these days, she's kind 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:36.169 of a beast and doesn't take kindly to being told 0:04:36.170 --> 0:04:38.840 what to do, but she sure likes to hand it out. Anyways, 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:42.349 back to my question number one. Everybody has those love 0:04:42.350 --> 0:04:46.880 languages built into them. One might be stronger or not. Thanks. 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:50.420 Well, I think it is true that all five of 0:04:50.420 --> 0:04:54.860 these are legitimate ways to express love. and I think 0:04:54.860 --> 0:04:58.520 all of us would receive any one of the five. 0:04:58.550 --> 0:05:02.120 We're not opposed to any one of these five. But yes, 0:05:02.420 --> 0:05:04.940 the key is that each of us has what I 0:05:04.940 --> 0:05:08.539 call a primary love language. That is, one of the 0:05:08.540 --> 0:05:13.820 five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. 0:05:13.850 --> 0:05:16.850 We can receive love in all five, but if we 0:05:16.850 --> 0:05:21.049 don't receive love in our primary language, likely we will 0:05:21.050 --> 0:05:24.590 not feel loved even though the other person is expressing 0:05:24.589 --> 0:05:27.380 love in some of the other ways. And that, I think, 0:05:27.380 --> 0:05:30.710 is what has helped so many couples learn how to 0:05:30.740 --> 0:05:34.789 effectively communicate love to their spouse. Now, the fact that 0:05:34.790 --> 0:05:38.300 your wife got upset about your giving her the book. 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:42.890 I can't read her mind, of course, but my guess 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:47.480 is she thought this was you saying to her, girl, 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:49.520 you got to learn my love language. You read this 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:53.690 book and you can love me more effectively. And so 0:05:53.690 --> 0:05:56.150 she's pushing back on that. She doesn't like to be 0:05:56.150 --> 0:05:59.419 told what to do. And that's why sometimes I've said 0:05:59.420 --> 0:06:01.760 to to couples, especially if their marriage is a little 0:06:01.790 --> 0:06:04.549 bit strained. Anyway, why don't you have one of her 0:06:04.550 --> 0:06:07.790 friends give her the book rather than you giving it 0:06:07.790 --> 0:06:12.200 to her, because you give it to her as she reads, 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:14.359 she's thinking, what is he trying to tell me? What 0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:16.460 is he trying to tell me? But if a friend 0:06:16.460 --> 0:06:19.340 gives it to her, the lights begin to come on. 0:06:19.370 --> 0:06:23.360 She said, oh, this makes a lot of sense, you know. No. 0:06:23.390 --> 0:06:26.120 This is why I sometimes don't feel loved by my husband. 0:06:26.150 --> 0:06:28.880 He's not speaking my primary language, and I wonder if 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:32.240 I'm speaking his primary language. Well, just a thought. Okay, 0:06:32.270 --> 0:06:35.000 too late for you, but hopefully helpful to others. 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.120 Well, it might not be too late to go back 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:40.849 and say, you know, you must have felt like I 0:06:40.850 --> 0:06:44.120 had an agenda here or there was an expectations. This 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:46.250 is something that really helped me and turned the light 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:48.320 on for me. And I thought it might be helpful 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:51.020 for you as well. Um, and, you know, to, to 0:06:51.050 --> 0:06:54.590 reintroduce that and show a little bit of his heart 0:06:54.589 --> 0:06:57.440 rather than her feeling like, oh, he just wants me 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:00.950 to do this so that, you know, he'll feel loved again. 0:07:01.250 --> 0:07:04.010 That could break down some barriers, don't you think? 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:06.650 Well, I think so. It's certainly worth a try. You 0:07:06.650 --> 0:07:10.550 know nothing to be lost. So, yeah, you know, I 0:07:10.550 --> 0:07:14.720 think all of us, we are all self-centered. And when 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:18.830 we read the book, many times, we're thinking in terms of, oh, 0:07:18.860 --> 0:07:21.590 my spouse is not speaking my language. That's why I 0:07:21.590 --> 0:07:25.100 don't feel loved. You know, we're thinking about ourselves and 0:07:25.100 --> 0:07:28.340 that's okay. And the book is designed to help us 0:07:28.340 --> 0:07:33.080 both understand ourselves. But also the emphasis in the book 0:07:33.110 --> 0:07:36.530 is learning how to express love to your spouse in 0:07:36.530 --> 0:07:40.700 their primary love language. And consequently, if you do that 0:07:40.700 --> 0:07:44.870 over an extended period of time, chances are they're going 0:07:44.900 --> 0:07:49.310 to start speaking your language because love stimulates love. The 0:07:49.310 --> 0:07:53.090 Bible says we love God because he first loved us. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:57.410 So in a relationship, that same principle is true. You 0:07:57.410 --> 0:08:00.020 love your spouse and their primary love language over an 0:08:00.020 --> 0:08:03.590 extended period of time. There's a good chance that your 0:08:03.590 --> 0:08:07.100 love coming through to them is going to stimulate inside 0:08:07.100 --> 0:08:10.400 of them a desire to learn to speak your love language. 0:08:10.970 --> 0:08:14.240 Our featured resource is the Five Love Languages for men 0:08:14.270 --> 0:08:16.940 workbook bundle might be a great way to start the 0:08:16.940 --> 0:08:19.400 new year for men who want to learn more about 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:23.150 the love language concept, just go to Building Relationships. Dot 0:08:23.150 --> 0:08:26.900 us Gary. On the second Saturday in November, we aired 0:08:26.900 --> 0:08:30.710 a program we had with Sheri Mueller and her book, 0:08:30.710 --> 0:08:34.160 I Want Him to Want Me How to Respond When 0:08:34.190 --> 0:08:37.280 Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex. And we had a number 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:40.130 of calls related to that broadcast that I want you 0:08:40.130 --> 0:08:42.740 to hear. So for parents listening with young kids, these 0:08:42.740 --> 0:08:47.089 next few calls deal with intimacy in marriage. 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:51.980 I heard your program today, Gary. And all I can 0:08:51.980 --> 0:08:56.120 say is. Wow. Thank you so much. Gary and Chris 0:08:56.120 --> 0:09:00.500 and Andrea and especially Sherry Mueller. I got married when 0:09:00.500 --> 0:09:05.329 I was 25. I found Playboy magazines under the couch. 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:09.350 He wouldn't sleep with me. I, um, he'd sleep on 0:09:09.350 --> 0:09:12.890 the couch until I was asleep in bed. I bought 0:09:12.890 --> 0:09:16.220 a black, sexy nightgown, and he said, you know, I 0:09:16.220 --> 0:09:20.750 like you better naked. So it was awful. And finally, 0:09:21.050 --> 0:09:26.270 I'm 76 now. And now, praise God, and thank you, 0:09:26.270 --> 0:09:31.040 thank you, thank you all for giving me the answer 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:36.590 to what really was emotional abuse. And I was embarrassed 0:09:36.590 --> 0:09:41.569 to tell anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye. 0:09:42.260 --> 0:09:44.540 Well, you know, Chris, I think there may be a 0:09:44.540 --> 0:09:49.370 lot of listeners, ladies in particular, who have struggled with 0:09:49.370 --> 0:09:52.939 this through the years but did not want to share 0:09:52.940 --> 0:09:57.020 it with anybody because they had all these thoughts of, 0:09:57.050 --> 0:10:00.020 you know, why is he like this? You know, why 0:10:00.020 --> 0:10:02.210 is he not like other men? Or at least like 0:10:02.210 --> 0:10:05.960 I think other men are? Uh, but they're just they're 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:08.210 just afraid to share it. They don't want to share it. 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.630 And this is really a powerful thing for her after 0:10:11.630 --> 0:10:15.950 all these years, to hear someone talking about this openly 0:10:15.980 --> 0:10:19.790 and it resonates with her, you know, and she realizes 0:10:19.820 --> 0:10:23.690 that this is not normal. This is not natural. I 0:10:23.690 --> 0:10:26.060 don't know if her husband's still alive or not at 0:10:26.090 --> 0:10:29.330 that age, but at any rate, I'm glad she found 0:10:29.330 --> 0:10:32.120 it helpful and I hope others did as well. 0:10:32.179 --> 0:10:35.960 This next call then, is representative of the women, like 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:39.470 our first caller who responded to Shari Mueller and her 0:10:39.470 --> 0:10:42.170 message in what she said back in November. 0:10:42.620 --> 0:10:48.109 Hi, Gary. The program today I've been an answer to 0:10:48.140 --> 0:10:51.260 a lot of thinking that I've been doing. I am 0:10:51.260 --> 0:10:55.610 in a relationship with my husband that he does not 0:10:55.610 --> 0:11:01.910 want to be intimate, and it's very hurtful and very demeaning. 0:11:01.910 --> 0:11:07.280 And this sheds a great light on what I have 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:11.150 hesitated to talk about. I thought I was the only 0:11:11.150 --> 0:11:15.140 one that was feeling this way. Anyway, thank you for 0:11:15.140 --> 0:11:16.969 your program. God bless. Bye. 0:11:17.570 --> 0:11:21.110 Well, you know, Chris, there may be people listening today 0:11:21.140 --> 0:11:24.319 who did not hear that program give us the name 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:27.530 of that book again, because I would hope that ladies 0:11:27.530 --> 0:11:30.710 in that situation would read that book because it's very, 0:11:30.710 --> 0:11:31.700 very helpful. 0:11:31.730 --> 0:11:35.570 Yes. I want him to want me. How to respond 0:11:35.570 --> 0:11:39.770 when your husband doesn't want sex. And the website, if 0:11:39.770 --> 0:11:43.850 you go to building relationships us and you go through 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:46.910 our past programs. You can hear that program if you 0:11:46.910 --> 0:11:51.020 didn't hear it back in November. So just go to 0:11:51.050 --> 0:11:55.040 building relationships.us. And when you find that program, you'll also 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:57.500 see a link to the book as well. I Want 0:11:57.530 --> 0:12:00.770 Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller. The other thing 0:12:00.770 --> 0:12:05.089 about that program was Gary, Sherry's husband, came on toward 0:12:05.090 --> 0:12:06.679 the end of the program, and we had a little 0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:10.760 conversation with him as well. But it's representative that the 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:15.500 wound or the the hurt, the pain of one person 0:12:15.500 --> 0:12:19.339 can help somebody else. And what I really resonated with 0:12:19.340 --> 0:12:23.000 that call is I thought I was the only one. 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:25.010 There are a lot of women and a lot of 0:12:25.010 --> 0:12:28.189 men too, about different issues that feel that way. I 0:12:28.190 --> 0:12:31.640 think I'm the only one here, and sharing our stories 0:12:31.640 --> 0:12:35.030 just brings down the walls there. 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:38.120 I think you're right. And this is why, you know, 0:12:38.150 --> 0:12:40.790 I encourage couples. I don't care what the problem is 0:12:40.790 --> 0:12:44.130 if you've struggled with it for a long time. Go 0:12:44.130 --> 0:12:48.000 for counseling and probably what you'll find out. You're not 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:50.940 the only one who's struggling with this. Counselors are familiar 0:12:50.940 --> 0:12:53.790 with all kinds of struggles in marriage, and if people 0:12:53.790 --> 0:12:56.220 would just be willing to reach out, you know, they 0:12:56.220 --> 0:12:59.640 can find help. Books can help, but counseling can also 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:01.380 be very, very important. 0:13:01.980 --> 0:13:06.540 Here's a response from a caller who thought that the program, 0:13:06.540 --> 0:13:09.420 he could leave the message and get it answered right then. 0:13:09.420 --> 0:13:13.589 So let me just say, if you call 866424 Gary 0:13:13.590 --> 0:13:15.900 and leave a message, it will be for a future 0:13:15.900 --> 0:13:18.599 dear Gary broadcast. Okay. And we'd love to hear your 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:22.170 response to this program or a question that you're going 0:13:22.170 --> 0:13:29.010 through right now. 1866424. Gary. But here's our next caller. 0:13:29.790 --> 0:13:34.020 Hi, Gary. For years, I used to fantasize about having 0:13:34.020 --> 0:13:37.979 sex with imaginary women. And after I got married, it 0:13:37.980 --> 0:13:41.940 affected my sex life. Could you comment on that, please. 0:13:41.970 --> 0:13:43.140 Thank you. 0:13:43.620 --> 0:13:47.070 You know, Chris, I think many men do not realize 0:13:47.100 --> 0:13:54.090 how their involvement with pornography or thoughts which this man 0:13:54.090 --> 0:13:58.380 talks about imaginary thoughts with having sex with a particular 0:13:58.380 --> 0:14:01.439 woman that you might see in the course of your 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:04.500 journey day by day. I think a lot of men 0:14:04.530 --> 0:14:08.670 don't realize how that is going to affect them later on, 0:14:08.670 --> 0:14:13.710 because what they've done is built an imaginary picture of 0:14:13.710 --> 0:14:16.860 what it would be like and how wonderful it would be. 0:14:17.070 --> 0:14:19.740 And then they get married in the real world with 0:14:19.740 --> 0:14:23.310 a real person, and they find out, oh, this is 0:14:23.310 --> 0:14:25.710 this is not what I thought it was going to be. 0:14:25.740 --> 0:14:28.650 You know, that's why my conference is you know what 0:14:28.650 --> 0:14:31.890 I'm talking about this part of the marriage. I say 0:14:31.890 --> 0:14:35.580 we have to grow together in marriage to learn how 0:14:35.580 --> 0:14:41.100 to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. It's not automatic, 0:14:41.130 --> 0:14:43.440 you know, just jumping in bed and it's going to happen. 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:46.020 It's a learning process, just like we have to learn 0:14:46.020 --> 0:14:48.660 in many other areas of life to work together as 0:14:48.660 --> 0:14:53.490 a team. And I think all of those unreal experiences, 0:14:53.490 --> 0:14:58.350 whether it's imaginary or whether it's pornography, set us up 0:14:58.350 --> 0:15:02.340 to be defeated and discouraged when we get married, because 0:15:02.340 --> 0:15:04.440 we're going to sense this is not what I thought 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:07.650 it was going to be. So yeah, I'm glad he 0:15:07.650 --> 0:15:10.140 called because I think that's a topic many men need 0:15:10.140 --> 0:15:10.770 to hear. 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:13.620 Yes, and I think that's what we've done this program 0:15:13.620 --> 0:15:16.800 before to this topic. I think that's why these Facebook 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:22.530 romances from old flames from high school kind of bubbled 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:25.710 to the surface in a person's life, men or women, 0:15:25.710 --> 0:15:30.210 because we remember the the feelings that we had, you know, 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:35.280 when we were 17, 18, 19, early 20s with this 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:38.950 person and that maybe were never even realized you never 0:15:38.950 --> 0:15:42.010 got physical with them. But the memory of that comes 0:15:42.010 --> 0:15:44.740 back when you see them all these years later and 0:15:44.740 --> 0:15:47.350 you think, well, what if I'd made that choice? That's 0:15:47.380 --> 0:15:51.670 a lure that the enemy uses, isn't it? 0:15:51.730 --> 0:15:54.370 I think so, Chris. And I think many times they're 0:15:54.370 --> 0:15:58.030 in a marriage now with another person that's not going well. 0:15:58.030 --> 0:16:03.610 And they're thinking, oh, if I'd married her, it wouldn't 0:16:03.610 --> 0:16:08.500 be like this reality. She's a human, too, and you're 0:16:08.500 --> 0:16:11.710 a human. And you would have similar, not necessarily the 0:16:11.740 --> 0:16:15.430 same problems, but similar problems as well. And that's why 0:16:15.430 --> 0:16:18.970 I think communication is so important in this part of 0:16:18.970 --> 0:16:23.140 our marriage. And many couples don't talk about it, you know, 0:16:23.170 --> 0:16:25.780 they just think it's supposed to happen. They don't discuss it. 0:16:25.810 --> 0:16:28.510 You know what's meaningful to you, what's not meaningful to you, 0:16:28.540 --> 0:16:31.210 what turns you on? What turns you off? I mean, 0:16:31.330 --> 0:16:35.680 you know, real conversations, helping each other understand how we 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:39.660 can have mutual sexual satisfaction, which I think is God's 0:16:39.660 --> 0:16:40.920 design for marriage. 0:16:40.950 --> 0:16:41.460 Yes. 0:16:41.460 --> 0:16:43.680 And that's one of the things that Sherry Mueller talked 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:47.130 about again. Her book is I want him to want me. 0:16:47.160 --> 0:16:51.000 We aired the program the second Saturday in November. Just 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:54.210 go to Building Relationships us. And if you didn't hear that, 0:16:54.210 --> 0:16:56.310 you can hear it again. And you can see more 0:16:56.310 --> 0:16:59.700 about that book. I want him to want me. Okay. 0:16:59.700 --> 0:17:03.270 One more response from a man who wanted to give 0:17:03.300 --> 0:17:05.280 a little different perspective. 0:17:06.150 --> 0:17:10.710 Hi, Gary. I hear, um, this lady on the show. 0:17:10.950 --> 0:17:15.930 She's speaking, um, about the lack of interest her husband 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:19.920 seems to have towards her when it comes to sex 0:17:19.950 --> 0:17:24.960 or being intimate, but I haven't heard anyone mention anything 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:30.120 about their husband's age or his health condition. And that's 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:35.340 because a lot of men have low testosterone. The urgency 0:17:35.369 --> 0:17:40.229 for sexual relations is not nearly as strong as it 0:17:40.230 --> 0:17:43.859 used to be in the past, but also they have 0:17:43.890 --> 0:17:48.990 other distractions. And don't forget, we live in a spiritual, 0:17:49.020 --> 0:17:53.850 wicked world where the spirit of the devil is very present. 0:17:53.970 --> 0:17:57.810 They can have sexual desires and urgency for other peoples, 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:02.460 more so than their wife, and their focus is there. 0:18:02.550 --> 0:18:06.869 Or they could have secret relationships and their wife knows 0:18:06.869 --> 0:18:12.120 nothing about it. Therefore, their desires for her gets weaker 0:18:12.390 --> 0:18:16.920 and weaker and weaker, and whatever the other person they're 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:20.190 being with, it gets stronger and stronger. Over a period 0:18:20.190 --> 0:18:23.760 of time, they may lose that desire for their wife completely. 0:18:24.030 --> 0:18:26.909 It doesn't mean they have lost their sexual desires, but 0:18:26.910 --> 0:18:30.420 they have lost their sexual desires for her. And on 0:18:30.420 --> 0:18:34.859 the other hand, is she doing anything at all to 0:18:34.890 --> 0:18:40.020 make her husband desires strong enough that he had that 0:18:40.020 --> 0:18:44.939 same sexual appetite for her as he does with someone 0:18:44.940 --> 0:18:49.440 else he could be involved with. They might just want 0:18:49.470 --> 0:18:52.320 to ask him, can you be honest with me and 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:56.400 just tell me, what is it? Because we have no 0:18:56.400 --> 0:19:00.810 sexual relationship or it's so weak until it's unreal. Can 0:19:00.810 --> 0:19:05.040 you please explain to me your position? Some women have 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:08.550 an essay or don't know how. I'm sure it's an 0:19:08.580 --> 0:19:14.580 embarrassing question, but somehow it needs to come up or 0:19:14.580 --> 0:19:18.780 the relationship would be dead in that area. Thank you 0:19:18.780 --> 0:19:20.220 and have a great day. 0:19:21.150 --> 0:19:24.870 Chris, I think this caller is touching on some very 0:19:24.869 --> 0:19:30.149 real things in many marriages and why some men are 0:19:30.150 --> 0:19:34.230 not involved as much with their wives because they're either 0:19:34.230 --> 0:19:40.050 satisfying their sexual desires with pornography, or they are involved 0:19:40.050 --> 0:19:43.740 physically with somebody else that the wife is unaware of, 0:19:44.070 --> 0:19:46.440 that he was giving good advice to wives. If that's 0:19:46.470 --> 0:19:49.560 if that's the case, you might just ask your husband, 0:19:49.590 --> 0:19:53.970 be honest with me now. What's going on? Where are 0:19:53.970 --> 0:19:58.020 you finding sexual satisfaction? He may or may not be 0:19:58.020 --> 0:20:00.659 honest with you, but at least it would. It's worth 0:20:00.690 --> 0:20:03.840 asking the question. Then the other point he's making is 0:20:03.840 --> 0:20:10.080 there is a physical dimension to sexuality. And yes, there 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:13.379 may be a physical problem with the husband. He mentioned 0:20:13.410 --> 0:20:17.340 one of those. But if a man himself knows that 0:20:17.340 --> 0:20:20.460 he doesn't have the sexual desire for his wife or 0:20:20.460 --> 0:20:24.689 anyone else, then it's worth a medical exam to find 0:20:24.690 --> 0:20:28.320 out if he needs to seek some medical attention as well. 0:20:28.650 --> 0:20:33.070 That's really helpful. And again, if you go to building relationships. Us? 0:20:33.100 --> 0:20:36.700 You can find that book. I want him to want me. 0:20:36.730 --> 0:20:40.750 The second Saturday in November is when we aired the 0:20:40.750 --> 0:20:46.630 conversation with Sherry Mueller. Just go to building. relationships.us. Have 0:20:46.630 --> 0:20:49.930 time for a question here. Gary, that I found going 0:20:49.930 --> 0:20:52.869 back through my email. And I don't think I ever 0:20:52.869 --> 0:20:57.490 asked you this question, but this was back during the pandemic, 0:20:57.520 --> 0:20:59.859 you know, so it's been a few years. I'm writing 0:20:59.859 --> 0:21:02.560 about a friend who has a real problem, and I 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:05.109 don't know how to advise her. Her husband has a 0:21:05.109 --> 0:21:09.399 shady past with alcohol, drugs, and adultery. He claims he 0:21:09.400 --> 0:21:12.550 became a Christian two years ago. He was doing well, 0:21:12.550 --> 0:21:16.180 but recently he's fallen off the wagon. It started with 0:21:16.180 --> 0:21:19.150 drinking and he's gone downhill to the point of visiting 0:21:19.150 --> 0:21:22.389 strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his 0:21:22.390 --> 0:21:25.720 Christian wife and won't answer calls. He is upsetting the 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:30.629 entire household, which includes several young children. He's not violent, 0:21:30.630 --> 0:21:33.090 but she's at her wits end trying to deal with 0:21:33.090 --> 0:21:36.060 him and caring for her children, which includes an infant. 0:21:36.090 --> 0:21:38.909 She's been putting up with this most of their married life, 0:21:38.910 --> 0:21:42.720 and was actually delivering their third baby alone because he 0:21:42.750 --> 0:21:45.990 had gone away. She's forgiven him over and over again 0:21:45.990 --> 0:21:48.869 and wants the marriage to work. He keeps saying that 0:21:48.869 --> 0:21:53.070 he's sorry and then goes back to his shenanigans. I 0:21:53.070 --> 0:21:55.650 would like to tell her to leave, but she really 0:21:55.650 --> 0:22:00.510 has no family here in this area. She's seeking godly advice. 0:22:00.540 --> 0:22:02.190 What would you advise? 0:22:03.690 --> 0:22:08.400 Well, Chris, you have to be moved just by reading. 0:22:08.400 --> 0:22:13.409 Reading that. And I understand why she would say, you know, 0:22:13.440 --> 0:22:17.880 just get out that that sometimes seems like the only thing. 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:21.900 But it's very difficult when you have five children and 0:22:21.900 --> 0:22:26.970 no family to turn to. I would really hope that 0:22:26.970 --> 0:22:31.200 this wife could see a Christian counselor, or if she 0:22:31.200 --> 0:22:34.530 can't afford that, that somebody would help her find a 0:22:34.530 --> 0:22:38.850 Christian counselor that can not only hear her struggle, but 0:22:38.850 --> 0:22:44.459 also help hold her husband accountable. It would be great. 0:22:44.490 --> 0:22:47.340 He said he became a Christian two years ago if 0:22:47.340 --> 0:22:50.340 that was in the context of a local church, and 0:22:50.340 --> 0:22:53.820 if he actually joined the local church, I think perhaps 0:22:53.820 --> 0:22:56.940 talking to the pastor as well, or a Christian counselor, 0:22:56.940 --> 0:23:02.040 the pastor might suggest, because someone outside the family who 0:23:02.040 --> 0:23:06.570 is a Christian may be having the information you're sharing, 0:23:06.570 --> 0:23:11.400 willing to call him and say, you know, your wife 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:13.380 came to me for some counseling and I really want 0:23:13.410 --> 0:23:17.340 to help her, but I really need to hear your perspective. 0:23:17.369 --> 0:23:20.160 Would you be willing to come and see me? And 0:23:20.160 --> 0:23:22.320 a pastor can do that. You know, I've done that 0:23:22.320 --> 0:23:24.780 many times through the years when only one person would 0:23:24.780 --> 0:23:28.139 come for counseling, and I've never had anyone that wouldn't 0:23:28.140 --> 0:23:31.170 come in. If I say I need your perspective on 0:23:31.170 --> 0:23:34.140 the marriage, but as they come in, then you have 0:23:34.140 --> 0:23:36.840 an opportunity to hear their side of the story, but 0:23:36.840 --> 0:23:41.880 also an opportunity to lovingly confront them with the reality 0:23:41.880 --> 0:23:45.000 that this lifestyle is not going to lead to a 0:23:45.000 --> 0:23:48.960 healthy marriage. And God can help you. You know, for 0:23:48.960 --> 0:23:51.480 two years, it seems like maybe he did fairly well. 0:23:51.510 --> 0:23:54.210 God can help you break these habits. You don't have 0:23:54.210 --> 0:23:58.290 to continue in this lifestyle, but someone has. You know, 0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:02.520 God uses people and so someone confronting him in a loving, 0:24:02.520 --> 0:24:07.320 kind way. Maybe God's answer in turning him around. And 0:24:07.350 --> 0:24:11.399 obviously with five children, they need a father, but they 0:24:11.400 --> 0:24:15.570 don't need a father that's not contributing, that's causing problems. 0:24:15.570 --> 0:24:20.010 So I think confrontation, loving confrontation, she would have to 0:24:20.010 --> 0:24:22.950 have someone outside the family confronting him if it's going 0:24:22.980 --> 0:24:24.180 to be most effective. 0:24:24.210 --> 0:24:24.780 Yeah. 0:24:25.230 --> 0:24:28.350 The reason I wanted to read that today is, you know, 0:24:28.380 --> 0:24:31.230 maybe there's somebody who's going through that right now, or 0:24:31.230 --> 0:24:36.060 maybe that man who was written about, you know, is 0:24:36.060 --> 0:24:40.440 out there and he's listening, or he's open then to 0:24:40.470 --> 0:24:45.510 restoration and, and true forgiveness and, and coming back and, 0:24:45.510 --> 0:24:49.440 and real redemption, you know, that comes along because that 0:24:49.440 --> 0:24:52.350 can happen. There is hope for that person, even with 0:24:52.350 --> 0:24:55.889 alcohol and drugs and and all that he was involved with. 0:24:55.920 --> 0:25:00.480 There is new life. There's abundant life available for him, 0:25:00.480 --> 0:25:01.290 isn't there? 0:25:01.770 --> 0:25:04.950 Absolutely. And when a person like that, if he really 0:25:04.950 --> 0:25:08.250 did become a Christian, if he's confronted by a Christian 0:25:08.250 --> 0:25:12.840 who's lovingly confronting him and gently confronting him, he's far 0:25:12.840 --> 0:25:15.060 more likely to be open to that person, because they 0:25:15.060 --> 0:25:18.899 bring not only the realization that this has got to change, 0:25:18.900 --> 0:25:22.110 but they come with the realization God can give you 0:25:22.109 --> 0:25:25.140 the power to do this. Many, many people have beaten 0:25:25.140 --> 0:25:29.280 this kind of lifestyle. So yeah, that's the key. But 0:25:29.280 --> 0:25:32.490 it doesn't happen if someone doesn't confront him. Because when 0:25:32.520 --> 0:25:36.119 you're into alcohol, drugs and sexual relationships of all kinds 0:25:36.119 --> 0:25:40.169 outside the marriage, that does not stop simply with the 0:25:40.170 --> 0:25:43.740 passing of time. There has to be confrontation. But if 0:25:43.740 --> 0:25:46.409 a person is a Christian at all, they will likely 0:25:46.410 --> 0:25:49.470 respond positively to that kind of confrontation. 0:25:54.930 --> 0:25:59.340 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:25:59.340 --> 0:26:03.120 Thanks for listening and for telling others about our conversations. 0:26:03.119 --> 0:26:06.300 When you go to five Love languages.com, you can find 0:26:06.300 --> 0:26:10.800 more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the resources 0:26:10.800 --> 0:26:15.119 tab and you'll find the podcast there and today's featured resource. 0:26:15.150 --> 0:26:18.330 Again go to five Love languages.com. 0:26:19.380 --> 0:26:23.220 Gary, you answered a question about a spiritual mismatch on 0:26:23.220 --> 0:26:25.800 a Dear Gary broadcast. This was back at the end 0:26:25.800 --> 0:26:29.460 of September. Here's a follow up to that call. 0:26:29.940 --> 0:26:35.790 Hi, Gary. A stronger answer could have advised the mother 0:26:35.790 --> 0:26:40.740 to suggest her son and the Hindu woman have premarital 0:26:40.740 --> 0:26:48.540 counseling and read premarital books. Also read related articles. And 0:26:48.570 --> 0:26:53.340 I suggested it would recommend that they talk to others 0:26:53.340 --> 0:26:58.590 who have experienced pitfalls, from marriage to someone who is 0:26:58.590 --> 0:27:04.530 not a Christian, but who has another God. This is 0:27:04.530 --> 0:27:07.380 a serious issue. Thank you. 0:27:07.710 --> 0:27:10.139 Well, Chris, I don't remember what my answer was to 0:27:10.170 --> 0:27:14.880 the original question. This mismatch in marriage. But obviously what 0:27:14.880 --> 0:27:19.889 she's saying is true. Uh, premarital counseling and reading books 0:27:19.890 --> 0:27:23.340 on marriage Age beforehand. You know, the book I wrote 0:27:23.340 --> 0:27:27.720 is called things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got married. 0:27:27.720 --> 0:27:30.450 And I deal with the spiritual issue in that book, 0:27:30.480 --> 0:27:33.510 among other things, it has to be dealt with. Are 0:27:33.510 --> 0:27:36.660 we marching to the beat of the same drummer? If 0:27:36.690 --> 0:27:40.470 we've got two different gods and everything that flows out 0:27:40.470 --> 0:27:43.830 of those beliefs in God, we're setting ourselves up for 0:27:43.830 --> 0:27:47.610 trouble in marriage. And I have had couples who've read 0:27:47.609 --> 0:27:51.600 my book and actually decided not to get married, because 0:27:51.600 --> 0:27:54.690 in this area or some other areas, they realize they 0:27:54.690 --> 0:27:57.389 were just too far apart to to have, you know, 0:27:57.420 --> 0:28:02.040 real communion in a relationship. And certainly then premarital counseling 0:28:02.040 --> 0:28:06.720 is the ideal. If you sit down with a premarital counselor, uh, 0:28:07.170 --> 0:28:09.780 even even if they're not a Christian, they're probably going 0:28:09.810 --> 0:28:12.900 to say to you, you're living in two different worlds, 0:28:12.960 --> 0:28:16.200 a Hindu world and a Christian world, two different worlds. 0:28:16.200 --> 0:28:19.740 You guys need to really take this seriously. So her 0:28:19.740 --> 0:28:20.910 advice was good. 0:28:21.300 --> 0:28:26.700 I think the caller back in September was a mom 0:28:26.700 --> 0:28:29.699 who was concerned about her son and then future daughter 0:28:29.700 --> 0:28:32.790 in law. That's what I think was happening. And so 0:28:32.790 --> 0:28:36.300 you were speaking mainly to the mom, and because she said, 0:28:36.300 --> 0:28:40.290 what can I do? And and so this caller was 0:28:40.290 --> 0:28:42.570 hearing that through. Well, you should have told her this 0:28:42.570 --> 0:28:45.450 and that. So if you ever hear Gary answer a 0:28:45.450 --> 0:28:47.970 question and you say the same thing, Gary, why didn't 0:28:47.970 --> 0:28:52.740 you say this? Call us 866424. Gary. Gary's humble enough 0:28:52.740 --> 0:28:58.980 to say he doesn't know everything. And believe it. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary. 0:28:59.010 --> 0:29:03.360 Because you may say something. You may miss something even 0:29:03.360 --> 0:29:06.960 in the question. Though you very rarely do that that 0:29:06.960 --> 0:29:09.720 somebody else can pick up on. That's helpful, isn't it? 0:29:09.750 --> 0:29:14.610 Absolutely. Chris, I'm always open to ideas or responses to 0:29:14.640 --> 0:29:17.250 what I've said, negative or positive. 0:29:17.280 --> 0:29:21.090 So your call Your question might help someone else who's 0:29:21.090 --> 0:29:24.240 listening in the new year, which is right around the corner. 0:29:24.270 --> 0:29:30.150 Call with your question or response. 1866424 Gary, we'd love 0:29:30.150 --> 0:29:32.790 to hear from you. Now here's a man with a 0:29:32.790 --> 0:29:34.500 difficult situation. 0:29:35.280 --> 0:29:40.200 Hi, Gary. Um, I just heard a wife call in 0:29:40.230 --> 0:29:44.010 that was working on. She had been separated with the 0:29:44.010 --> 0:29:48.030 hopes of reconciliation with her husband, who had been not 0:29:48.030 --> 0:29:52.830 physically or whatever, you know, abusing her, but more emotionally 0:29:52.830 --> 0:29:58.500 and invalidating her thoughts and her contributions. And I thought 0:29:58.500 --> 0:30:01.680 I heard you mention that it might be the other way. 0:30:01.710 --> 0:30:04.260 It could be the other way. And, you know, my 0:30:04.260 --> 0:30:09.660 wife hasn't really expressed any terms of endearment or love 0:30:09.690 --> 0:30:12.450 for for years. And I've been praying that God would 0:30:12.450 --> 0:30:15.180 soften her heart towards me, that he would keep me 0:30:15.210 --> 0:30:19.380 a faithful, loving husband. I've tried to get her to 0:30:19.380 --> 0:30:21.930 go to counseling. I've been to counseling and she would 0:30:21.930 --> 0:30:25.830 refuse to go. It's my understanding that I have no 0:30:25.830 --> 0:30:30.510 option to separate from her because I'm accountable as the husband. 0:30:30.540 --> 0:30:32.340 I'd like your thoughts on that, please. 0:30:33.150 --> 0:30:35.910 Well, I think any time a husband is married to 0:30:35.940 --> 0:30:39.780 a wife who is not affirming him at all and 0:30:39.780 --> 0:30:43.110 not expressing, you know, expressions of love to him at all, 0:30:43.110 --> 0:30:48.120 it's very difficult. But I admire this husband because he 0:30:48.150 --> 0:30:51.240 is also demonstrating a deep commitment to his faith in 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:55.560 God and his commitment to marriage. Because marriage in the 0:30:55.560 --> 0:30:58.110 Bible is seen as a covenant that we make with 0:30:58.110 --> 0:31:01.260 each other in the presence of God, that we are 0:31:01.260 --> 0:31:04.650 going to be there for each other. And simply because 0:31:04.650 --> 0:31:09.120 one spouse is not responding in a positive way doesn't 0:31:09.120 --> 0:31:13.440 give us grounds to divorce them. Listen, many people are 0:31:13.440 --> 0:31:17.130 not expressing love to their spouse at certain phases in 0:31:17.160 --> 0:31:21.210 that life. But I would say this if he has 0:31:21.210 --> 0:31:25.800 a friend or a contact with a friend of hers, 0:31:25.800 --> 0:31:28.860 and if she has never read the five love languages, 0:31:28.860 --> 0:31:32.010 if a friend could give that book to her, it 0:31:32.010 --> 0:31:36.030 may be something God could use to open her eyes. Now, 0:31:36.060 --> 0:31:39.240 maybe that's already happened. I don't know. But a wife 0:31:39.240 --> 0:31:42.840 that's not responding to her husband with affirmation or any 0:31:42.870 --> 0:31:48.240 expressions of love if she reads that book many times 0:31:48.240 --> 0:31:52.800 God has used it to help that woman come to see. Oh, 0:31:52.830 --> 0:31:56.280 this is this. This makes sense to me. And I've 0:31:56.280 --> 0:31:59.190 seen marriages that were either. Neither one of them had 0:31:59.190 --> 0:32:01.500 hope that things were going to get better. But they 0:32:01.500 --> 0:32:04.260 do get better when they understand the concept of the 0:32:04.260 --> 0:32:08.670 five love languages. The other thing I would say is 0:32:08.670 --> 0:32:13.050 if you know her love language, then you continue speaking 0:32:13.050 --> 0:32:17.340 that language and speaking on a regular basis. Because if 0:32:17.370 --> 0:32:21.300 indeed you are touching her emotionally, that is meeting that 0:32:21.300 --> 0:32:24.870 emotional need for love in her life, she's far more 0:32:24.870 --> 0:32:27.600 likely to begin to treat you in a different way. 0:32:27.600 --> 0:32:29.850 And I don't know if you know her love language 0:32:29.850 --> 0:32:32.610 or not, and you can't really tell her. You know, 0:32:32.640 --> 0:32:34.290 I need to know your love language because I want 0:32:34.320 --> 0:32:38.910 to love you better. That's probably too brazen. But again, 0:32:38.910 --> 0:32:41.220 if she could have that book in her hands and 0:32:41.220 --> 0:32:45.000 read it, then you could have a conversation that might 0:32:45.000 --> 0:32:46.830 really turn things around. 0:32:47.880 --> 0:32:53.100 That situation is not the the normal slash usual one 0:32:53.100 --> 0:32:58.350 that I hear. I more often hear women call and say, 0:32:58.350 --> 0:33:01.590 my my husband, you know, doesn't love me and I 0:33:01.590 --> 0:33:05.430 can't get him to go to counseling that he, you know, 0:33:05.460 --> 0:33:08.520 that he is gone. And he says she's not open 0:33:08.520 --> 0:33:12.090 to this. Uh, as you said, I really respect him 0:33:12.090 --> 0:33:15.480 for doing that hard work in himself and going to 0:33:15.510 --> 0:33:18.120 the counselor. But a lot of times it's the other 0:33:18.120 --> 0:33:19.380 way around, isn't it? 0:33:19.410 --> 0:33:24.000 Absolutely, Chris. Far more common that wives say, my husband 0:33:24.030 --> 0:33:26.370 will not go for counseling. He won't read a book 0:33:26.370 --> 0:33:29.100 on marriage. He won't go to a marriage conference. He 0:33:29.100 --> 0:33:30.930 won't even talk about us. 0:33:30.960 --> 0:33:31.740 Yeah. 0:33:31.770 --> 0:33:36.630 You know, and that's that's tragic because we can't grow 0:33:36.630 --> 0:33:41.670 if we don't communicate and talk about our relationship in 0:33:41.670 --> 0:33:43.830 a positive way. I don't mean arguing all the time, 0:33:43.830 --> 0:33:46.110 but I mean talking about it openly and honestly with 0:33:46.110 --> 0:33:46.920 each other. 0:33:47.160 --> 0:33:50.250 Is there a way? Here's my final question about this. 0:33:50.280 --> 0:33:54.510 Is there a way to soften someone else's heart? 0:33:54.960 --> 0:33:59.160 Well, I think to communicate love to her and to 0:33:59.190 --> 0:34:01.950 say to her, perhaps, you know, honey, I don't know 0:34:01.950 --> 0:34:06.510 how you feel about us and our relationship, but I really, 0:34:06.510 --> 0:34:10.140 in my heart, I love you. Now, I don't know 0:34:10.170 --> 0:34:13.170 if it comes across to you that way. I don't 0:34:13.200 --> 0:34:16.980 know if you're really feeling my love. But deep in 0:34:16.980 --> 0:34:20.820 my heart I love you deeply. And I'm not. I'm 0:34:20.820 --> 0:34:24.060 not sure I'm coming across. I'm not sure you're sensing 0:34:24.060 --> 0:34:26.940 how deeply I love you. Can can you can you 0:34:26.969 --> 0:34:30.930 give me some insight on that? She may well open 0:34:30.930 --> 0:34:34.080 up to him, you know, and he may realize that indeed, 0:34:34.080 --> 0:34:37.110 even though she may know nothing about the love language concept, 0:34:37.140 --> 0:34:42.180 he may realize he has been missing her because he's speaking. 0:34:42.180 --> 0:34:45.780 He's loving her, but not in her love language. So 0:34:45.780 --> 0:34:48.239 she may not feel loved by him, just as he 0:34:48.239 --> 0:34:51.779 doesn't feel loved by her. But I think in conversation 0:34:51.780 --> 0:34:55.380 in which you're turning it on yourself and saying, I 0:34:55.380 --> 0:34:58.950 really want to have a good marriage. And I know 0:34:58.950 --> 0:35:01.049 that one of the most important things is that people 0:35:01.050 --> 0:35:03.750 feel loved. And I know in my heart I do 0:35:03.750 --> 0:35:06.810 love you, but I'm not sure you feel that I 0:35:06.810 --> 0:35:10.560 love you. She opens up to that he may get 0:35:10.560 --> 0:35:12.960 some information that will help him to know how to 0:35:12.989 --> 0:35:17.250 invest his time and energy in the most effective way, 0:35:17.250 --> 0:35:21.390 in expressing love to her, which then touches her heart 0:35:21.390 --> 0:35:23.670 and makes her open to respond to him in a 0:35:23.670 --> 0:35:24.510 different way. 0:35:25.590 --> 0:35:31.379 She feels demeaned and dismissed and doesn't feel heard. How 0:35:31.380 --> 0:35:33.839 do you deal with that in a marriage? Here's our 0:35:33.840 --> 0:35:34.890 next caller. 0:35:35.550 --> 0:35:40.830 Hi, Gary. Just wondering, what do I do? My husband 0:35:40.860 --> 0:35:46.260 always talks down to me like I am not important. 0:35:46.260 --> 0:35:49.320 And then when I ever try talking to him, he 0:35:49.320 --> 0:35:54.060 doesn't act like he's listening or that he cares what 0:35:54.060 --> 0:35:57.780 I have to say. And that even the sentence he 0:35:57.780 --> 0:36:02.100 tries to hurry me up to finishing it or rolls 0:36:02.100 --> 0:36:05.790 his eyes so I never feel like he cares what 0:36:05.790 --> 0:36:12.820 I'm saying and Seems to always not care about me 0:36:12.820 --> 0:36:18.430 as far as my opinion or my mind, or just 0:36:18.700 --> 0:36:22.270 don't know what to do anymore. And was thinking yes, 0:36:22.270 --> 0:36:26.770 that this was abuse because he doesn't. He talks to 0:36:26.800 --> 0:36:31.360 me like not good. Thank you. 0:36:32.650 --> 0:36:35.980 Well, you know, Chris, when you hear, uh, where she 0:36:35.980 --> 0:36:40.000 is in this relationship and how she feels, you have 0:36:40.030 --> 0:36:43.540 you have to have empathy for that because it's very 0:36:43.540 --> 0:36:46.750 difficult when you feel like, you know, you're not really 0:36:46.750 --> 0:36:52.060 valued and your ideas are not valued by your spouse. Oh, 0:36:52.090 --> 0:36:56.469 what might she do? You know, I don't know if 0:36:56.469 --> 0:37:00.009 she's ever read the five love languages or not, but 0:37:00.010 --> 0:37:03.279 if she could read it and he could read it, 0:37:03.370 --> 0:37:07.810 it could be transformative in that marriage. Another step in 0:37:07.810 --> 0:37:12.400 the process might be for her to say to him, honey, 0:37:12.400 --> 0:37:15.790 I've been thinking a lot about us and I want 0:37:15.820 --> 0:37:18.580 to ask you a question. How could I be a 0:37:18.580 --> 0:37:23.319 better wife to you? He might be shocked by the question. 0:37:23.410 --> 0:37:27.010 He may have an immediate answer and tell you 2 0:37:27.010 --> 0:37:30.280 or 3 things that would make you a better wife. 0:37:30.580 --> 0:37:35.350 But what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but 0:37:35.350 --> 0:37:38.950 you can change yourself. So if you're open to asking 0:37:38.950 --> 0:37:43.540 that question to him and he's giving you an answer 0:37:43.540 --> 0:37:47.500 and you respond to that in a positive way, he 0:37:47.500 --> 0:37:51.940 may in time ask you that question. You know, you 0:37:51.940 --> 0:37:54.910 asked me this question some time ago and and I 0:37:54.910 --> 0:37:56.770 shared some things with you on how you could be 0:37:56.770 --> 0:37:59.529 a better wife. And I just want to say I 0:37:59.530 --> 0:38:03.730 really appreciate the changes you've made. So let me ask you, 0:38:04.030 --> 0:38:07.910 how could I be a better husband. That would be 0:38:08.180 --> 0:38:11.930 an approach. I have no idea how he would respond 0:38:11.930 --> 0:38:14.899 if you asked that, but I do know it would 0:38:14.900 --> 0:38:17.930 be a non-threatening thing to him. You're not telling him 0:38:17.930 --> 0:38:21.379 what he should do. You're not complaining about how you feel. 0:38:21.410 --> 0:38:25.339 You're asking him a question. What could I do to 0:38:25.370 --> 0:38:28.219 be a better wife? And then if you respond to 0:38:28.250 --> 0:38:31.219 what he says, you might find that that would be 0:38:31.219 --> 0:38:35.839 the road to eventually him learning to respect you and 0:38:35.840 --> 0:38:39.110 show that respect and show that love to you, because 0:38:39.110 --> 0:38:43.250 your love would stimulate love in him. That's a pattern. 0:38:43.850 --> 0:38:48.290 You know how I responded to her call, especially with 0:38:48.290 --> 0:38:51.049 the dismissal or hurry up, you know, get to the point. 0:38:51.080 --> 0:38:54.950 Come on. I wonder if there's. If she felt that 0:38:54.950 --> 0:38:58.310 way in in the past, in any other relationship, maybe 0:38:58.310 --> 0:39:02.509 in her family or mom or dad siblings that she had, 0:39:02.540 --> 0:39:04.850 you know? Come on, get to the point. Move along. 0:39:04.850 --> 0:39:07.580 And so when he says that, and when he acts 0:39:07.580 --> 0:39:12.109 that way, it touches this nerve inside that even pushes 0:39:12.110 --> 0:39:15.830 her down even further. And I'm not saying that, you know, 0:39:15.860 --> 0:39:18.950 it's she's the problem. I'm just saying that it makes 0:39:18.950 --> 0:39:22.700 it more painful for her to have somebody that she's 0:39:22.700 --> 0:39:26.150 committed to and loves act that way toward her. 0:39:26.630 --> 0:39:30.890 Well, that is certainly a possibility, Chris, no question about it. 0:39:30.890 --> 0:39:34.819 That experiences we've had in childhood and we've if we 0:39:34.820 --> 0:39:38.120 felt put down, that our ideas are not important to 0:39:38.150 --> 0:39:40.850 the family members that we grew up in, then we 0:39:40.850 --> 0:39:43.370 get into a marriage and we find that it triggers 0:39:43.370 --> 0:39:46.280 back those emotions that we felt way back then. And 0:39:46.280 --> 0:39:49.730 many times we're not even realizing where it's coming from. 0:39:49.730 --> 0:39:52.640 We don't realize this is the way it was when 0:39:52.640 --> 0:39:55.040 I was growing up. Now here's my husband treating me 0:39:55.040 --> 0:39:58.040 the same way. Yeah, that could well be a part 0:39:58.040 --> 0:40:01.940 of it. And that's why her going for counseling could 0:40:01.940 --> 0:40:02.630 be helpful. 0:40:02.630 --> 0:40:03.110 For her. 0:40:03.460 --> 0:40:08.020 To understand herself and why she's feeling what she's feeling. 0:40:08.050 --> 0:40:12.340 Yes, and that might elicit some questions from him as well. 0:40:12.340 --> 0:40:14.740 If she if she changes a little bit in the 0:40:14.739 --> 0:40:18.759 relationship and he's asking what's going on with you, you know, 0:40:18.790 --> 0:40:23.799 after she goes along for counseling. Um, that's not a panacea. 0:40:23.830 --> 0:40:26.830 You know, it's not a fix for everything, but learning 0:40:26.830 --> 0:40:30.100 more about yourself is always a good thing. And, uh, Gary, 0:40:30.130 --> 0:40:32.500 thanks for that answer. We have one more final call 0:40:32.500 --> 0:40:37.120 here on our dear Gary, the last one of 2024. 0:40:37.120 --> 0:40:41.049 And this is another response to the Sherry Mueller program, 0:40:41.050 --> 0:40:44.529 which dealt with intimacy in marriage. Again, if you didn't 0:40:44.530 --> 0:40:48.339 hear that conversation, go to building. relationships.us. You can hear 0:40:48.340 --> 0:40:54.070 the program from November 8th right there. Building relationships.us. Here's 0:40:54.070 --> 0:40:56.770 our final question of 2024. 0:40:57.820 --> 0:41:00.609 Thank you for your, uh, your show today. It was awesome. 0:41:00.640 --> 0:41:03.850 I just want to throw my two my $0.02. My wife, 0:41:03.880 --> 0:41:07.210 she loves to argue and fight and so this makes 0:41:07.210 --> 0:41:10.990 me not really want to be making love to somebody 0:41:11.020 --> 0:41:15.460 who is so hateful. She's not a Christian. And also 0:41:15.489 --> 0:41:19.120 I love her because I'm a Christian, but she hates 0:41:19.150 --> 0:41:22.330 God and she's always making fun of me for reading 0:41:22.330 --> 0:41:25.270 the Bible every day. But I will still love her 0:41:25.270 --> 0:41:27.700 no matter what. But why? I don't want to make 0:41:27.700 --> 0:41:31.150 love to her because she's always arguing with me and 0:41:31.150 --> 0:41:34.120 hateful and belittling me and calling me names that I 0:41:34.120 --> 0:41:36.760 cannot cannot repeat. But I'm going to love her. I'm 0:41:36.760 --> 0:41:39.100 going to stay in this marriage no matter what. She's 0:41:39.310 --> 0:41:41.920 broken up with me like a thousand times, and I've 0:41:41.920 --> 0:41:44.590 never broken up with her when we were not married. 0:41:44.620 --> 0:41:47.410 One time I did just to show her that maybe 0:41:47.410 --> 0:41:51.790 it's my fault. Whatever. I'm just saying. Fighting and hating 0:41:51.790 --> 0:41:53.650 and saying that she don't love me and she hates 0:41:53.650 --> 0:41:55.120 me and all that. And then. Now you want me 0:41:55.120 --> 0:41:57.550 to make love to you. It's just, you know, I 0:41:57.550 --> 0:41:59.350 just feel like. And that's what I told her. I 0:41:59.350 --> 0:42:00.950 only told her one time. I said, I just feel 0:42:00.980 --> 0:42:03.500 like you don't. You don't love me. You hate me, 0:42:03.590 --> 0:42:06.950 you despise me. And that's why. Okay. Thank you for listening. 0:42:08.090 --> 0:42:13.610 Well, Chris, in a situation like this, he's describing what 0:42:13.610 --> 0:42:17.719 I think other men might describe as the problem in 0:42:17.719 --> 0:42:20.600 his situation as to why he is not interested in 0:42:20.600 --> 0:42:23.989 being intimate with her. And when you realize that you're 0:42:23.989 --> 0:42:26.600 hearing that sort of thing day after day after day, 0:42:26.600 --> 0:42:30.170 we're not drawn to to a spouse. If we're getting 0:42:30.170 --> 0:42:33.560 all that negative stuff, you know, coming from them. I 0:42:33.560 --> 0:42:37.339 really appreciate his commitment. You know, his sense of commitment. 0:42:37.370 --> 0:42:40.339 He's not going to walk away from her. The question 0:42:40.340 --> 0:42:44.420 would be, what can he do that might help the situation? 0:42:44.719 --> 0:42:47.930 And he probably has no idea. And I'm not sure 0:42:47.930 --> 0:42:50.720 I have any good ideas, to be honest with you. 0:42:50.750 --> 0:42:52.819 When you when you hear that sort of thing day 0:42:52.820 --> 0:42:56.359 after day after day. But again, let me go back 0:42:56.360 --> 0:42:59.560 to what I just suggested to the other caller. What 0:42:59.560 --> 0:43:04.480 if he said to her, I know that our relationship 0:43:04.480 --> 0:43:08.049 is not what it should be, and I have the 0:43:08.050 --> 0:43:13.239 sense that you sometimes hate me, that you sometimes, uh, 0:43:13.510 --> 0:43:16.810 and he can tell whatever he's heard from her. But 0:43:16.810 --> 0:43:19.660 what I want to do, I want to ask you, 0:43:19.690 --> 0:43:23.020 can you just give me 1 or 2 things that 0:43:23.020 --> 0:43:26.650 I could do or not do that would make me 0:43:26.650 --> 0:43:29.550 a better husband? And the reason I say 1 or 0:43:29.550 --> 0:43:31.720 2 is because I want to be able to work 0:43:31.719 --> 0:43:35.950 on them. And you might have 16 but if you 0:43:35.950 --> 0:43:37.750 give me 1 or 2 and let me see if 0:43:37.750 --> 0:43:40.239 I can work on those, then in a month or 0:43:40.239 --> 0:43:42.879 so I'll ask you again and you can give me 0:43:42.880 --> 0:43:48.490 some other ideas. Again, I'm operating on the reality. He 0:43:48.489 --> 0:43:52.930 cannot make her change. He cannot change her. The only 0:43:52.930 --> 0:43:56.500 person he can change is himself. And my guess is 0:43:56.500 --> 0:43:59.859 that he's just been trying to survive all these negative 0:43:59.860 --> 0:44:03.790 words that she's throwing at him, and he's having not 0:44:03.790 --> 0:44:07.210 only a hard time in the physical area, but in 0:44:07.210 --> 0:44:09.160 the rest of life. I mean, when you live with 0:44:09.160 --> 0:44:11.650 that all the time, it's hard to live with. And 0:44:11.650 --> 0:44:14.950 so the same God who gives him the power to 0:44:14.980 --> 0:44:17.920 live with that and to stay in the marriage, can 0:44:17.920 --> 0:44:21.700 give him the power to honestly ask how he could 0:44:21.700 --> 0:44:24.940 be a better husband. And then honestly, with God's help, 0:44:24.940 --> 0:44:28.420 begin to make some changes and he just might see 0:44:28.930 --> 0:44:33.790 a change in her. But at least he's taking initiative 0:44:33.820 --> 0:44:37.090 to do something rather than just, you know, sit there 0:44:37.090 --> 0:44:39.129 and continue to go through the same old thing over 0:44:39.130 --> 0:44:39.700 and over. 0:44:39.730 --> 0:44:40.240 Right. 0:44:40.239 --> 0:44:42.610 White knuckle it. Yeah. You know, the other thing, it 0:44:42.610 --> 0:44:45.040 sounds like he's not hiding his faith. You know, she 0:44:45.040 --> 0:44:48.009 knows about his his faith in God. And and she 0:44:48.010 --> 0:44:51.340 makes fun of him or demeans him for that. And 0:44:51.340 --> 0:44:55.930 and my question is, I wonder why this intense hatred 0:44:55.960 --> 0:44:59.440 toward God or toward Christianity. Or maybe it's his his 0:44:59.440 --> 0:45:02.680 brand of Christianity. Or maybe there's something like the earlier call. 0:45:02.890 --> 0:45:06.489 There's something that happened to her way back when, and 0:45:06.489 --> 0:45:09.070 that is bubbling up here. And this is she thinks, 0:45:09.070 --> 0:45:12.040 I didn't sign up for this, you know, and he 0:45:12.040 --> 0:45:15.700 can't know that unless they have those kinds of conversations. 0:45:15.820 --> 0:45:19.030 Yeah, you're right, Chris. That's why I think, again, you know, 0:45:19.060 --> 0:45:25.270 open conversations are important. So many couples go through years 0:45:25.270 --> 0:45:28.509 of not willing to discuss with each other their problems 0:45:28.510 --> 0:45:32.020 unless they do it in a negative, condemning way, which 0:45:32.020 --> 0:45:35.319 is what she's doing to him. And and so they 0:45:35.320 --> 0:45:38.980 just keep that lifestyle of just shooting each other. And 0:45:38.980 --> 0:45:42.129 it's it's never going to lead to anything positive if 0:45:42.130 --> 0:45:45.070 they continue to shoot each other. That's why I sometimes 0:45:45.100 --> 0:45:49.180 say the first step in a marriage like that is 0:45:49.180 --> 0:45:53.770 to call a truce. What if we just say, you know, honey, 0:45:54.070 --> 0:45:57.130 we've shot each other so much, we both are wounded. 0:45:57.190 --> 0:46:00.580 Can we just have a truce? And for maybe for 0:46:00.610 --> 0:46:04.090 the for a month. Agree that we will not shoot 0:46:04.090 --> 0:46:07.390 each other. We will not throw verbal bombs at each 0:46:07.420 --> 0:46:12.400 other just for a month and see. See what it's like. 0:46:12.550 --> 0:46:15.790 And maybe we can get calm enough that we can 0:46:15.790 --> 0:46:19.870 begin to work on our marriage. So sometimes calling a truce, 0:46:20.050 --> 0:46:22.420 if both are willing to do it. But somebody's got 0:46:22.420 --> 0:46:24.790 to bring it up. And if you go for a 0:46:24.790 --> 0:46:28.090 month without shooting each other, you might be a different 0:46:28.090 --> 0:46:31.690 climate that you could then talk about some other things. 0:46:31.690 --> 0:46:35.500 So yeah, it's communication, but it's hard when you're both 0:46:35.500 --> 0:46:36.850 just shooting each other. 0:46:37.510 --> 0:46:39.759 Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number 0:46:39.760 --> 0:46:42.339 where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman or 0:46:42.340 --> 0:46:47.620 respond to something maybe you've heard today. 1866424. Gary. What 0:46:47.620 --> 0:46:50.620 you ask? What's going on in your life might help 0:46:50.620 --> 0:46:55.569 somebody else as well as yourself. Eight. 866424. Gary is 0:46:55.570 --> 0:46:58.600 our number for any question or comment you have about 0:46:58.600 --> 0:47:01.810 your relationships in the New Year. We'd love to hear 0:47:01.810 --> 0:47:04.810 from you. If you go to the website Building Relationships Us, 0:47:04.840 --> 0:47:07.480 you'll find our featured resource right there the five Love 0:47:07.480 --> 0:47:12.880 Languages for Men Workbook bundle. Just go to Building relationships.us. 0:47:13.360 --> 0:47:18.129 And next week we begin 2025 with a program about 0:47:18.130 --> 0:47:20.140 men and sexual purity. 0:47:20.170 --> 0:47:23.770 Don't miss the conversation about a bold biblical battle plan 0:47:23.770 --> 0:47:26.709 for men to start the New Year. A big thank 0:47:26.739 --> 0:47:30.460 you to our hard working production team, Steve Wick and Janice. 0:47:30.460 --> 0:47:34.690 Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production 0:47:34.690 --> 0:47:39.100 of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry 0:47:39.100 --> 0:47:42.160 of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and. 0:47:42.160 --> 0:47:43.330 Happy New Year.