WEBVTT - Uniquely You | Sally Clarkson 0:00:01.040 --> 0:00:03.840 It's more about reaching their heart with the imagination of 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:07.760 being a virtuous person, than it is about some kind 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:11.560 of a ten rules to discipline Your child. Every child 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.400 still needs us to respond to their personality with the 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:15.400 training that we do. 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.720 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:26.720 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:29.800 a mom discusses the joys and challenges of parenting her 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:33.400 unique child. Sally Clarkson will join us straight ahead. 0:00:33.920 --> 0:00:36.440 The thesis in the book she and her son Nathan 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:39.280 have written is that each parent is a unique child 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.240 of God who is called to raise a unique child 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:46.600 of God. They are encouraging resources featured at building Relationships. 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:55.080 It's titled Uniquely You exploring your Child's extraordinary, distinctive Design. Again, 0:00:55.080 --> 0:00:59.650 go to Building Relationships. And Gary, you and Carolyn had 0:00:59.650 --> 0:01:03.210 two unique children. We've talked about Shelly and Derek here before. 0:01:03.370 --> 0:01:05.410 Do you resonate with our topic today? 0:01:06.010 --> 0:01:09.850 Absolutely, Chris. You remember when I wrote my book, things 0:01:09.850 --> 0:01:12.570 I Wish I'd Known before we Got married? I think 0:01:12.569 --> 0:01:15.370 the first chapter was, I wish I'd known that no 0:01:15.370 --> 0:01:21.450 two children are alike. Because our two. Of course she was. 0:01:21.490 --> 0:01:24.090 She was the daughter and he was the son. You know, 0:01:24.130 --> 0:01:27.570 so they were different biologically, but they also were different 0:01:27.569 --> 0:01:30.850 in every other way. So I can identify with this, 0:01:30.850 --> 0:01:32.929 and I think our listeners are going to find this 0:01:32.930 --> 0:01:34.770 session to be very, very helpful. 0:01:35.050 --> 0:01:35.610 I do too. 0:01:35.650 --> 0:01:39.130 Let's meet Sally Clarkson. She's a speaker, best selling author 0:01:39.130 --> 0:01:42.649 of some 33 books. She hosts the popular At Home 0:01:42.650 --> 0:01:46.569 with Sally podcast, which inspires women around the world. She's 0:01:46.569 --> 0:01:49.610 been married to her husband, Clay, for more than 40 years. 0:01:49.650 --> 0:01:52.970 They home educated all four of their children, and one 0:01:52.970 --> 0:01:57.550 of those children is Nathan Clarkson, her co-author of this book. 0:01:57.550 --> 0:02:01.270 It's again titled Uniquely You. You can find out more 0:02:01.310 --> 0:02:02.670 at Building Relationships. 0:02:04.390 --> 0:02:06.830 Well, Sally, welcome to Building Relationships. 0:02:07.150 --> 0:02:09.149 Oh. Thank you. I'm so honored to be with you. 0:02:09.190 --> 0:02:11.310 You influenced my life many years ago. 0:02:11.990 --> 0:02:16.270 Well. That's good. Well, you know, for those who don't know, 0:02:16.270 --> 0:02:19.190 you tell us a little bit more about who you 0:02:19.190 --> 0:02:21.830 are and some of what God has led you to 0:02:21.870 --> 0:02:22.990 do in your life. 0:02:23.710 --> 0:02:26.510 I feel like the Lord has been very gracious to me. 0:02:26.510 --> 0:02:28.630 I've given him my fish and loaves, and he took 0:02:28.630 --> 0:02:34.389 them and made something of them. I, I have four children, uh, 0:02:34.389 --> 0:02:39.070 four adult children, uh, from 40 on down. And, um, 0:02:39.110 --> 0:02:42.030 I found out, as in the past few years, that 0:02:42.030 --> 0:02:44.750 I am a kind of a one percenter sort of person. 0:02:44.750 --> 0:02:48.510 So writing uniquely you was a natural to my own life. 0:02:48.910 --> 0:02:52.590 But I love drinking tea, very strong tea. And I 0:02:52.630 --> 0:02:55.720 consider it a way to disciple and mentor and encourage 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:59.200 other people. I'm a walker. I walk lots of miles 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:02.880 every day, and I've lived over a quarter of my 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:07.040 life in Europe and England, so I'm a little bit 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:10.760 influenced by international things. So that's just a little bit. 0:03:10.800 --> 0:03:12.760 I love golden retrievers. How's that? 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:18.000 All right. Well, all of that sounds exciting for sure. Well, 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:22.119 this new book, uniquely you seems to be for parents 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:25.639 who are struggling to understand their children and how to 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:28.600 parent that child. Am I close to what the heart 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:29.800 of the book is all about? 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:35.520 Yes you are. I, I have a couple of children 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:38.280 who are out of the box, way out of the box. 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:42.000 And um, as I mentioned a minute ago, I eventually 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:45.360 realized that I was also and as I was praying 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:48.480 about this and I thought, Lord, I really desire to 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:51.240 meet the hearts of my children to to be a 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:55.010 steward of their gifts, their lives. And yet all four 0:03:55.050 --> 0:03:58.370 of them were so different. And as I was praying, 0:03:58.370 --> 0:04:01.770 I began to realize that every single human being has 0:04:02.010 --> 0:04:08.330 a different DNA, different fingerprints, different backstory, different, you know, facial. And, 0:04:08.370 --> 0:04:11.650 I mean, we are all made by God to to 0:04:11.690 --> 0:04:15.010 be different. And I thought if if that's really a 0:04:15.010 --> 0:04:19.890 part of God's design, how can I cooperate with his 0:04:19.890 --> 0:04:23.810 design to release each of my children to be unique, 0:04:23.810 --> 0:04:26.930 to not be cookie cutter in such a way that 0:04:26.930 --> 0:04:30.289 they will be inspired to use their uniqueness for God's 0:04:30.290 --> 0:04:32.529 glory and for his Kingdom purposes. 0:04:32.970 --> 0:04:36.610 Yeah, boy, I think a lot of parents would have 0:04:36.610 --> 0:04:41.770 profited to have known that and, and, and paid attention 0:04:41.770 --> 0:04:44.810 to that, you know, early on. Well, tell us about Nathan. 0:04:45.210 --> 0:04:47.210 What are some of the unique ways that he has 0:04:47.210 --> 0:04:48.610 stretched you as a mom? 0:04:49.370 --> 0:04:53.270 Um, well, Nathan is a verbal processor, which means that 0:04:53.270 --> 0:04:56.229 he liked to talk all the time and and had 0:04:56.230 --> 0:05:03.670 opinions on everything. But also he is ADHD, OCD, OCD, dyslexic. 0:05:04.190 --> 0:05:08.589 Oh my goodness. Um, and so he had a lot of, um, 0:05:08.830 --> 0:05:13.030 issues in his life. Sometimes I think some of those letters, though, 0:05:13.070 --> 0:05:17.190 mean that a person is brilliant. Um, you know, because 0:05:17.350 --> 0:05:21.070 I think that, uh, kids who question things, kids who 0:05:21.110 --> 0:05:25.070 think about everything, I look back on my own life and, um, 0:05:25.070 --> 0:05:27.070 one time my mom said, I wish you would just 0:05:27.070 --> 0:05:30.669 be normal. And of course, that went to the core 0:05:30.670 --> 0:05:33.950 of my heart. And she said, why do you ask 0:05:33.950 --> 0:05:37.870 so many questions? So I think that in a in 0:05:37.910 --> 0:05:41.229 an unusual way, the Lord prepared me through my own 0:05:41.230 --> 0:05:46.229 life to understand and and be dedicated to Nathan. Um, 0:05:46.230 --> 0:05:49.190 even though I didn't quite know how to harness, I 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:51.279 used to read him the story of the Black Stallion, 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.880 and I'd say, you know, Nathan, for the Black Stallion 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:55.760 to win the race, he had to learn to accept 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:59.920 the reins. And so that was my goal to inspire 0:05:59.960 --> 0:06:03.600 him to to run fast, but to to accept the 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:07.400 reins of that clay and I needed to provide in 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:09.640 order to be able to really help him to flourish 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:10.400 in his life. 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:14.280 Yeah. Why did you want to write together on this 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:19.960 particular book, and how did your different perspectives influence the message? 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.279 Actually, I have to tell you that Nathan, um, he 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.960 lives in in New York on the Upper East Side, 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:30.440 and he acts and does all these, uh, very, uh, 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:33.560 he loves words. He has a podcast. And he came 0:06:33.560 --> 0:06:36.320 to me and said, first of all, he wanted to 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:38.200 write the book different that that was kind of a 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:41.039 prequel to this book. Uh, the story, the out of 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:43.279 the box kid and the mom who loved him. And 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:44.960 then he came to me again and he said, okay, 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:48.299 we need to write another book together. There. And um, 0:06:48.420 --> 0:06:52.580 and so because I wanted to support his desire to 0:06:52.620 --> 0:06:56.380 continue to have messages to people, um, I agreed to 0:06:56.420 --> 0:07:00.460 it if he would do all of the legwork. So 0:07:01.740 --> 0:07:05.780 we we just, um, we're best friends and we understand 0:07:05.779 --> 0:07:09.460 each other. And he has such a desire to reach 0:07:09.460 --> 0:07:13.540 people who feel like they aren't really seen as they 0:07:13.540 --> 0:07:15.460 are people who feel misunderstood. 0:07:15.980 --> 0:07:16.420 Yeah. 0:07:17.140 --> 0:07:20.380 You know, Nathan was going to be with us today, Sally. 0:07:20.380 --> 0:07:23.540 And he had a film that he was called to. 0:07:23.980 --> 0:07:26.100 And so I'm sad that we don't get to hear 0:07:26.100 --> 0:07:28.300 his voice, but I think it's going to be really 0:07:28.300 --> 0:07:32.059 encouraging just to hear your perspective. And for the mom 0:07:32.060 --> 0:07:35.780 or dad who's listening to hear you say, uh, you know, 0:07:35.820 --> 0:07:39.660 here are the challenges that and to not look for 0:07:39.660 --> 0:07:44.140 him to be normal, but to use those challenges and 0:07:44.140 --> 0:07:48.270 the struggles that are uniquely his, for God's glory and 0:07:48.270 --> 0:07:51.230 for Nathan's good and the. And the dirty little secret 0:07:51.230 --> 0:07:53.710 is it's been for your good too, hasn't it? 0:07:53.830 --> 0:07:56.550 Oh, yeah. For sure. And I you know, I said 0:07:56.550 --> 0:07:59.150 to the Lord early in my life, I'm your girl. 0:07:59.150 --> 0:08:01.150 I will love you and serve you. What do you 0:08:01.150 --> 0:08:03.430 want me to do? And he said, I want you 0:08:03.430 --> 0:08:07.310 to raise these very different children, to reach their hearts, 0:08:07.310 --> 0:08:10.310 to send them into the world. And I'm going to 0:08:10.350 --> 0:08:13.750 equip you to do that, because I had never changed 0:08:13.750 --> 0:08:18.350 a diaper. I only had boys in my family. And, um, 0:08:18.350 --> 0:08:22.750 so I feel like I was ill equipped to be, um, 0:08:22.870 --> 0:08:25.230 I wasn't a perfect parent, but I was also ill 0:08:25.230 --> 0:08:27.990 equipped to know what I was doing. It was little 0:08:28.030 --> 0:08:30.910 by little. And I think that people need to know 0:08:30.910 --> 0:08:35.990 that you have a lot of years to grow into, to, um, 0:08:36.309 --> 0:08:39.310 really learn how to reach your children's hearts. There's so 0:08:39.309 --> 0:08:43.430 much pressure on parents today to conform to cultural standards 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:47.040 or to what's on the internet or to social media. 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:50.960 And I think that for me to realize that I 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:54.560 was exactly the mom that my children needed to have, 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:58.880 that God had prepared me to be their mother, really 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.640 helped me to realize that I didn't need to compete. 0:09:01.640 --> 0:09:05.160 I didn't need to perform. I was free to walk 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:07.840 by faith and to grow over a period of time, 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.320 to be the kind of mother my children needed. 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:15.040 Sally, you emphasize that every child is a unique creation 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:20.720 of God. How can parents practically celebrate their children's differences 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:23.880 while still fostering a sense of unity in the family? 0:09:24.640 --> 0:09:28.520 We put together my husband and I are both extremely 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:33.319 intuitive in our lives, and we put together a 24 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:38.199 family ways, which was a series of biblical principles around 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.780 which our whole family life was built. We love and 0:09:41.780 --> 0:09:44.660 obey our Lord Jesus Christ with a respectful attitude and 0:09:44.660 --> 0:09:46.900 so on. We talked about work. We talked about how 0:09:46.900 --> 0:09:50.220 they treated one another. And I think that the bottom 0:09:50.220 --> 0:09:52.500 line for our children and they knew it was that 0:09:53.340 --> 0:09:59.699 unconditional love, affirmation, acceptance, and of every single person in 0:09:59.700 --> 0:10:04.740 our family was the foundation for our relationships. And if 0:10:04.860 --> 0:10:08.459 some people have asked me, well, did you ever apologize 0:10:08.460 --> 0:10:11.260 to your other children for the ones that were very 0:10:11.260 --> 0:10:14.860 different and caused a little bit of stress? And I said, 0:10:14.860 --> 0:10:17.420 If it's God's will for me to have this child, 0:10:17.420 --> 0:10:20.860 it's God's will for you, for this to be your sibling. 0:10:21.380 --> 0:10:25.459 And if you respond in love and respect to this 0:10:25.460 --> 0:10:29.900 beautiful human being who is your brother or sister, then 0:10:29.940 --> 0:10:32.540 you're going to really grow in ways and in beautiful 0:10:32.540 --> 0:10:35.220 ways that will help you the rest of your life. 0:10:36.340 --> 0:10:40.429 Yeah. So the differences can blend together with A sense 0:10:40.429 --> 0:10:45.750 of unity. Even though we're very, very different. Yeah, absolutely. Right, right, right. Well, 0:10:45.750 --> 0:10:49.429 you know, the book talks about understanding a child's personality, 0:10:49.750 --> 0:10:54.910 their learning style and their love language. What advice would 0:10:54.910 --> 0:10:59.030 you give parents who feel overwhelmed by the complexity of 0:10:59.030 --> 0:11:00.949 discovering all these traits? 0:11:02.429 --> 0:11:05.150 I think that so many parents are pushed and pulled 0:11:05.150 --> 0:11:09.229 by their jobs, by their life, by all sorts of things. 0:11:09.590 --> 0:11:12.710 But I would say, uh, you know, if you kind 0:11:12.710 --> 0:11:15.310 of just look at creation and say, oh my goodness, 0:11:15.309 --> 0:11:19.310 there's zebras with stripes and dalmatians with with dots and 0:11:19.870 --> 0:11:23.350 squirrels with curly tails. You know, we see just just 0:11:23.390 --> 0:11:25.550 let nature be an encouragement to you. I know that's 0:11:25.550 --> 0:11:28.830 a funny thing, but I thought, you know, Lord, you 0:11:28.830 --> 0:11:33.790 have made my children different for a purpose. And I 0:11:33.790 --> 0:11:37.880 think number one is find a wise person that you 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:40.800 respect and ask them to pray for you. Ask them 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.680 to meet with you and say, you know you've raised children. 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:46.199 Can you give me any advice? Because I think that 0:11:46.200 --> 0:11:50.120 when parents feel supported and encouraged and affirmed for who 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:54.480 they are, they're much more likely to keep going. Number 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:58.199 two is give yourself time to grow. Realize that when 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:01.560 you look at the life of Jesus, every disciple was different. 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:05.800 Peter was the rock and he talked too much. But 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:08.720 but God made him that way, and he became such 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:12.880 a person for Christ. Thomas was a man in whom 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:15.600 there was no guile. And John said, But I'm the 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:19.360 one he loved. And as we look at the differences 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:23.000 in the disciples lives and how Jesus treated and honored 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:27.000 each of them according to their own drives, I learned 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:30.240 that a couple of my children are extreme introverts, and 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:33.720 they wanted time alone. Uh, they they weren't going to 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:37.140 compete for attention, but they needed me. So I would 0:12:37.140 --> 0:12:40.260 make these chocolate chip cookie dough balls. And I have 0:12:40.260 --> 0:12:42.219 a little couch in my in every bedroom I ever 0:12:42.220 --> 0:12:45.420 lived in, and I would take them in there, whichever 0:12:45.420 --> 0:12:48.020 child needed attention at the time. And I would say, 0:12:48.020 --> 0:12:50.660 we have 15 minutes, let's be friends and let's eat 0:12:50.660 --> 0:12:53.579 this chocolate chip cookie and tea and tell me what's 0:12:53.580 --> 0:12:57.699 going on with you. And I realized that my extrovert 0:12:57.700 --> 0:13:02.020 or my introverts needed that personal time. My extroverts needed 0:13:02.020 --> 0:13:05.380 to talk and to do things and to be loud 0:13:05.380 --> 0:13:09.140 and to verbally process. And that that wasn't a negative thing. 0:13:09.140 --> 0:13:13.179 That was how God made them. And, um, so just 0:13:13.179 --> 0:13:18.459 learning over time to really watch, um, and see who 0:13:18.500 --> 0:13:21.420 they were and what they were like. I know Nathan, 0:13:21.860 --> 0:13:23.780 he's in New York City, as you said today in 0:13:23.780 --> 0:13:26.780 a show, in a television show. And he came to 0:13:26.820 --> 0:13:28.939 us when he was 19 and he said, I'm going 0:13:28.980 --> 0:13:32.660 to move to New York City and be an actor. And, um, 0:13:32.980 --> 0:13:36.750 Clay and I are thinking, no, you're not, you know. 0:13:36.910 --> 0:13:40.390 How can anyone trust a 19 year old to go 0:13:40.390 --> 0:13:43.350 to New York City? But actually, since he was seven 0:13:43.350 --> 0:13:47.510 years old, he had been acting out a little speech 0:13:47.510 --> 0:13:49.670 for a class I was teaching, and he was just 0:13:49.990 --> 0:13:54.310 my sidekick because I didn't have babysitting for him. And he, um, 0:13:54.670 --> 0:13:59.310 acted out. Audie Murphy, who was the most celebrated hero 0:13:59.309 --> 0:14:03.270 of World War One for American soldiers. And he was 0:14:03.270 --> 0:14:07.070 so dynamic that I had five different people who came 0:14:07.070 --> 0:14:10.030 up to me and said, this is a future actor 0:14:10.030 --> 0:14:15.710 when he was seven. And so, uh, we tucked that away. And, um, 0:14:16.429 --> 0:14:19.830 you know, we thought as long as we can kind 0:14:19.830 --> 0:14:22.990 of champion him and walk beside him and be in 0:14:22.990 --> 0:14:25.950 touch with him and help him to understand the issues 0:14:25.950 --> 0:14:29.790 that he might face in New York City. Um, was 0:14:29.790 --> 0:14:32.320 it a trial to us as parents? Yes, most of 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:37.040 our children always were. But, um. But we believed in 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:40.920 setting them free in the power of God's Spirit to say, 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.640 what might I dream for your purposes? God. And, um, 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:47.400 it's a yes. It's hard being a parent. And yes, 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:50.480 it takes lots and lots of time for loving and 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:55.320 words of affirmation as you talk about and really meeting their, um, 0:14:55.320 --> 0:15:00.120 love languages. But we, in spite of being imperfect, we 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:04.760 see how our children each thrived by becoming their own 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:08.760 unique adult with their own unique calling. And it started 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.960 with that unconditional love and words of affirmation. 0:15:12.160 --> 0:15:12.600 Yeah. 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:16.040 Sally Clarkson and she's joining us today to talk about 0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:21.280 uniquely you. It's our featured resource at Building Relationships. She's 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:23.840 written this along with her son Nathan and I have 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:26.120 to jump in here, Sally, and ask you, because you 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.600 just mentioned the love languages. Earlier in the first segment, 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.780 you said that Gary's input in your life has made 0:15:32.780 --> 0:15:35.820 a difference. Can you tell me more about that? What? 0:15:35.820 --> 0:15:39.140 What do you mean? Are you talking about the love languages? 0:15:39.900 --> 0:15:43.700 Yes I am. Um, I of course, when I became 0:15:43.700 --> 0:15:46.460 a parent, I read every book that was popular at 0:15:46.460 --> 0:15:50.460 the time, and his book stood out. And, um, I 0:15:50.500 --> 0:15:53.140 had already been kind of working on a Bible study 0:15:53.140 --> 0:15:57.900 about unconditional love and words of affirmation, actually, um, but 0:15:57.900 --> 0:16:02.380 I didn't have the other three down. And, um, when 0:16:02.380 --> 0:16:04.940 I read the book, it was as though something clicked 0:16:04.940 --> 0:16:09.500 in my heart and in my mind that, um, these 0:16:09.540 --> 0:16:12.620 were the ways that I was going to open the 0:16:12.620 --> 0:16:17.060 heart of my children. And, um, that time that they 0:16:17.060 --> 0:16:19.460 needed in order for me to listen to them, not 0:16:19.460 --> 0:16:21.580 to look at my phone, not to look at my computer, 0:16:21.580 --> 0:16:24.700 but to look at their eyes. Uh, for me to 0:16:24.740 --> 0:16:28.070 verbally affirm one of my children. I was going on 0:16:28.070 --> 0:16:30.950 a trip one time and she was my youngest. I 0:16:30.950 --> 0:16:33.150 had three children and three miscarriages and then a child 0:16:33.150 --> 0:16:36.550 at 42. And, um, we were going on a trip 0:16:36.550 --> 0:16:38.710 and I said, let me pack your suitcase for you. 0:16:38.710 --> 0:16:42.510 And she said, really? You're going to do that for me? 0:16:43.110 --> 0:16:46.550 And it never dawned on me that she loved to 0:16:46.590 --> 0:16:50.430 be helped, that she loved to be served. And I 0:16:50.430 --> 0:16:52.990 learned that from you. So it was really funny to me. 0:16:52.990 --> 0:16:55.350 I thought, this is not a big deal packing your suitcase. 0:16:55.350 --> 0:16:57.630 But if it means a lot to you, then that's 0:16:57.630 --> 0:16:58.750 what I'm going to do. 0:16:59.390 --> 0:17:02.550 Yeah. That's great. That's great. It's been amazing how God 0:17:02.590 --> 0:17:06.109 has used that concept of the love languages in marriages 0:17:06.109 --> 0:17:09.990 and parenting, you know, and really all close relationships because 0:17:10.030 --> 0:17:12.230 all of us need to feel loved, you know, by 0:17:12.230 --> 0:17:16.670 the people that we have a close relationship with. We 0:17:16.670 --> 0:17:20.230 hear this whole thing of parenting. Unique children can present 0:17:21.070 --> 0:17:26.369 unique challenges. So how can parents balance addressing the struggles. 0:17:26.650 --> 0:17:30.570 You know, while they're affirming the beauty of their child's individuality. 0:17:31.570 --> 0:17:35.250 I think that finding as much as you can about 0:17:35.290 --> 0:17:39.409 the issues that your child had, I read everything I could. 0:17:39.450 --> 0:17:44.369 I sought out counselors who understood. And I remember the 0:17:44.369 --> 0:17:48.290 day when we finally found a person who did some 0:17:48.330 --> 0:17:51.850 testing on Nathan and they said, oh, he exactly fits 0:17:51.890 --> 0:17:55.490 clinical OCD. And she said he will always have it. 0:17:55.530 --> 0:17:58.530 He will never change, but you can understand it more 0:17:58.770 --> 0:18:01.930 and help him to function in a more positive way 0:18:01.930 --> 0:18:05.050 in your home. And I think that sometimes when our 0:18:05.050 --> 0:18:09.810 children have difficulties in their relationship, we want to discipline 0:18:09.810 --> 0:18:13.010 them as though there's some way that we can discipline 0:18:13.010 --> 0:18:16.050 it out or whatever. We can't. That's part of who 0:18:16.090 --> 0:18:18.090 they are and will always be. I've learned that with 0:18:18.090 --> 0:18:22.450 my children, but I think that getting having support systems, 0:18:22.490 --> 0:18:27.580 having input, Becoming educated. Understanding more. Your book was an 0:18:27.580 --> 0:18:31.860 excellent resource for me. I think the more knowledge you 0:18:31.859 --> 0:18:35.620 can gather and and really say to other people, what 0:18:35.619 --> 0:18:38.220 did you do with your child who is clinically OCD? 0:18:38.780 --> 0:18:43.220 It helped me to have ways, practical ways to go forward. 0:18:43.220 --> 0:18:45.980 And the other thing I would say is find some 0:18:45.980 --> 0:18:48.580 good friends who really love your children and want to 0:18:48.580 --> 0:18:50.700 spend time with them so that you can have a break. 0:18:51.180 --> 0:18:56.139 Because I educated my children at home, and just to 0:18:56.180 --> 0:18:59.140 have a break by myself as an adult without children 0:18:59.140 --> 0:19:02.740 around for a little bit really helped me. And my 0:19:02.740 --> 0:19:05.060 husband understood that too. So he would take them away 0:19:05.060 --> 0:19:08.060 on Saturday mornings so that I could do absolutely whatever 0:19:08.060 --> 0:19:13.060 I wanted to do. So support systems education, people who 0:19:13.060 --> 0:19:16.340 understand you and don't just say you need to discipline 0:19:16.340 --> 0:19:19.859 them more, because that's not the issue with almost any 0:19:19.859 --> 0:19:22.270 child that that we've worked with. 0:19:22.790 --> 0:19:26.070 Yeah, I like the idea of reaching out for help, 0:19:26.070 --> 0:19:28.949 not just to professionals, you know, though that can be 0:19:28.950 --> 0:19:31.830 helpful also, but just to friends and others who are 0:19:31.830 --> 0:19:34.709 perhaps a little older than you as parents and have 0:19:35.070 --> 0:19:36.750 learned some things along the way. 0:19:36.790 --> 0:19:37.909 Yeah, right. 0:19:38.430 --> 0:19:41.390 So what if a parent who's listening today and they're 0:19:41.390 --> 0:19:46.790 constantly comparing their child and their family with another family? 0:19:47.470 --> 0:19:49.230 What advice would you give to them? 0:19:50.109 --> 0:19:55.750 I would say, stop doing that now. They're the older 0:19:55.750 --> 0:19:57.790 my children have gotten, and even when they were still 0:19:57.830 --> 0:20:01.510 at home, the more I realized that in the same 0:20:01.510 --> 0:20:05.350 way that God created diversity in nature, he created diversity 0:20:05.350 --> 0:20:09.630 in human beings that I had my own story to live. 0:20:09.630 --> 0:20:13.270 There's a picture in Scripture of Cup. Jesus said, Lord, 0:20:13.270 --> 0:20:15.629 if it's your will, take this cup from me. And 0:20:16.070 --> 0:20:18.750 David said, my cup runneth over. Well, a cup is 0:20:18.750 --> 0:20:25.050 a picture of your portion throughout Scripture, and every one 0:20:25.050 --> 0:20:28.650 of us has our own portion to drink. And we 0:20:28.650 --> 0:20:31.010 can we can take that cup and throw it across 0:20:31.010 --> 0:20:36.090 the room and, and say, um, I am going to, um, 0:20:36.090 --> 0:20:38.330 I hate the portion that I've been given. I don't 0:20:38.330 --> 0:20:41.010 understand it. Or we can say, Lord, help me to 0:20:41.010 --> 0:20:44.570 drink the portion that you've given to me in such 0:20:44.570 --> 0:20:48.050 a way that I can flourish. Help me to drink 0:20:48.050 --> 0:20:52.570 it with faithfulness. Don't compare yourself to other people. Your 0:20:52.609 --> 0:20:57.330 child is unique to God and needs to be accepted 0:20:57.330 --> 0:21:01.330 by you. We don't want to raise a cookie cutter generation. 0:21:01.330 --> 0:21:06.090 We want to raise people who can flourish into the 0:21:06.090 --> 0:21:09.010 very mold that God made them in the that the 0:21:09.050 --> 0:21:11.530 very personality that he created. 0:21:12.410 --> 0:21:14.570 I think if we can get that in our minds, 0:21:14.570 --> 0:21:17.890 it'll have a tremendous impact on how we relate to 0:21:17.930 --> 0:21:23.060 those children. You talk about parenting with God. That him 0:21:23.060 --> 0:21:26.139 being a part of the parenting process. What does that 0:21:26.140 --> 0:21:29.060 look like practically? Especially, you know, you're facing all the 0:21:29.060 --> 0:21:32.020 day to day frustrations and uncertainties and all of that. 0:21:32.900 --> 0:21:35.580 How does God and our relationship with him fit into 0:21:35.580 --> 0:21:36.379 all of that? 0:21:37.100 --> 0:21:40.020 You know, I gathered some wisdom along the way just 0:21:40.020 --> 0:21:43.820 by reading the word. And, um, I pictured that God 0:21:43.859 --> 0:21:46.020 had a file drawer in heaven that was just for 0:21:46.020 --> 0:21:50.180 my family. And I realized that it was it was 0:21:50.180 --> 0:21:54.220 a poison to worry or to fear or to get angry. 0:21:54.500 --> 0:21:57.660 And so I would pray to God and say, God, 0:21:58.220 --> 0:22:01.220 here is my child that you have given to me. 0:22:01.220 --> 0:22:05.220 Give me wisdom for this child. Lord, please work in 0:22:05.220 --> 0:22:07.260 their life, but I'm going to leave it to you. 0:22:07.260 --> 0:22:12.300 I'm not going to allow fear or allow anger to 0:22:12.340 --> 0:22:14.700 rule my heart because it's a poison to my heart. 0:22:14.980 --> 0:22:17.630 And then I spent daily time in the word and 0:22:17.630 --> 0:22:21.310 I would read verses like a gentle answer turns away wrath. 0:22:21.710 --> 0:22:24.390 And I thought, oh my goodness, I need to be 0:22:24.390 --> 0:22:29.830 gentle with my children. Um, and I would just read Scripture, 0:22:30.150 --> 0:22:33.750 and then it became God's vocabulary to me when I 0:22:33.750 --> 0:22:37.550 was in the midst of normal life. I learned to 0:22:37.590 --> 0:22:41.710 look into their eyes. I learned to use a quieter voice. 0:22:41.710 --> 0:22:45.230 I learned to give my teenagers the opportunity to have 0:22:45.230 --> 0:22:49.189 hormones and be irrational. Um, you know, it's it's a 0:22:49.190 --> 0:22:53.910 lot of practical things, uh, that you kind of gather 0:22:53.910 --> 0:22:57.070 in the treasure chest of your heart so that you 0:22:57.070 --> 0:23:01.350 can honor them. And my favorite verse about child raising 0:23:01.350 --> 0:23:03.510 is do to others what you would have them do 0:23:03.510 --> 0:23:08.189 to you. I realized that I wanted my children or 0:23:08.190 --> 0:23:11.389 I wanted my children to understand me. Um, and so 0:23:11.390 --> 0:23:13.670 I thought, I need to try to understand them. I 0:23:13.770 --> 0:23:17.850 wanted to hear, you know, encouraging words and life giving words. 0:23:17.850 --> 0:23:22.250 And so I made it a goal to give words 0:23:22.250 --> 0:23:26.130 of affirmation to them. So many different things. I thought, 0:23:26.170 --> 0:23:28.970 if I want this, then this is probably what is 0:23:28.970 --> 0:23:31.929 going to make a healthy relationship with them. And I 0:23:31.930 --> 0:23:34.729 don't think you have to feel like doing all the 0:23:34.730 --> 0:23:36.570 right things. You just have to do them. 0:23:37.850 --> 0:23:39.450 You know, Gary, what I hear. 0:23:39.450 --> 0:23:45.570 Sally saying is a lot of this process is letting go. And, 0:23:45.730 --> 0:23:48.169 you know, if it's a poison to worry, then really 0:23:48.170 --> 0:23:52.850 believing that God is involved in this whole thing. So, 0:23:52.890 --> 0:23:55.690 you know, you got to believe in his sovereignty. But 0:23:55.690 --> 0:23:59.129 the other thing, Sally, that that you just touched on 0:23:59.170 --> 0:24:04.570 is you want your child to be who your child is, 0:24:04.810 --> 0:24:08.330 not who you think your child ought to be. And 0:24:08.330 --> 0:24:11.170 that's part of the letting go process, isn't it? 0:24:11.490 --> 0:24:16.100 Mhm. Well, I have to say that um, because I 0:24:16.100 --> 0:24:19.219 wasn't accepted for who I was as a child and 0:24:19.220 --> 0:24:21.740 my husband and I were actually working in Vienna, Austria, 0:24:21.740 --> 0:24:25.459 where we were pastors at an international chapel and um, 0:24:25.500 --> 0:24:29.300 with 40 different countries speaking a variety in our, in 0:24:29.300 --> 0:24:32.659 our church. And, um, when we had a lot of 0:24:32.660 --> 0:24:36.340 them over for lunch, I realized, oh my goodness, there's 0:24:36.340 --> 0:24:40.740 so many different persons, different points of view, different personalities. 0:24:41.060 --> 0:24:43.100 And Clay and I talked about the fact that when 0:24:43.100 --> 0:24:45.860 we had children, we we thought, I think I'm going 0:24:45.900 --> 0:24:47.660 to home educate them. We'd never heard of that in 0:24:47.660 --> 0:24:51.700 our lives, but we wanted to give our children a 0:24:51.740 --> 0:24:55.580 place where they weren't compared to other people by grades 0:24:55.580 --> 0:24:59.379 or test scores, which nobody should ever do where they 0:24:59.380 --> 0:25:03.740 weren't under the pressure to perform or to conform. They 0:25:03.740 --> 0:25:06.179 worked with us side by side. We had hosted conferences 0:25:06.180 --> 0:25:08.500 all over the world and they would be with us. 0:25:08.500 --> 0:25:10.179 And so they got to meet lots of people. They 0:25:10.180 --> 0:25:14.470 were normal children in that way, but it taught us 0:25:14.910 --> 0:25:19.429 that all of our children are very different, have chosen 0:25:19.430 --> 0:25:21.949 different professions. Three out of the four live in the 0:25:21.990 --> 0:25:25.550 UK and work there and then. Nathan lives in New 0:25:25.550 --> 0:25:29.630 York City, but we we kind of really wanted to 0:25:29.670 --> 0:25:33.710 give them a life in which they weren't compared. They 0:25:33.710 --> 0:25:36.709 weren't cookie cutter people, but they were like all the 0:25:36.710 --> 0:25:39.390 unique stories of people we see in Scripture that they 0:25:39.390 --> 0:25:42.909 had their own story to live, their own work to 0:25:42.910 --> 0:25:47.109 accomplish for God's kingdom, because they didn't have the pressure 0:25:47.109 --> 0:25:50.550 of conforming. I think it freed them to say I 0:25:50.750 --> 0:25:52.950 we would say to them, I wonder what story you're 0:25:52.950 --> 0:25:54.670 going to tell with your life. I think it's going 0:25:54.710 --> 0:25:57.590 to be a great story. Maybe you'll be a musician. 0:25:57.590 --> 0:26:00.429 You're amazing at piano, or maybe you're going to be 0:26:00.430 --> 0:26:05.270 a great writer or whatever, but whatever families can do 0:26:05.750 --> 0:26:10.890 to just have freedom in the home. A safe place 0:26:11.090 --> 0:26:13.290 for a child to be who God made them to 0:26:13.290 --> 0:26:17.130 be is really a great foundation upon which to build. 0:26:21.650 --> 0:26:25.889 You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:26:26.050 --> 0:26:28.290 He's the author of the New York Times best seller 0:26:28.330 --> 0:26:32.050 The Five Love Languages. Mother and son Sally and Nathan 0:26:32.050 --> 0:26:35.050 Clarkson have teamed to write our featured resource at Five 0:26:35.090 --> 0:26:40.850 Love Languages. It's titled Uniquely You exploring your child's extraordinary, 0:26:40.890 --> 0:26:44.369 distinctive Design. Again, go to five Love Languages. 0:26:47.570 --> 0:26:51.050 For Sally, the word discipline can be a very sensitive 0:26:51.090 --> 0:26:55.850 topic with different ideas, especially as the children's personalities and 0:26:55.850 --> 0:26:59.930 temperaments vary. As we've been talking about, how do you 0:26:59.930 --> 0:27:04.650 tailor discipline to fit each child while remaining consistent? 0:27:05.690 --> 0:27:08.979 I think that, um, my husband and I over the 0:27:08.980 --> 0:27:13.540 years kind of cultivated our own particular biblical view of that, 0:27:13.820 --> 0:27:17.860 and that he wrote a book called Heartfelt Discipline. And 0:27:17.900 --> 0:27:21.020 he's he went he graduated from seminary years ago. He's 0:27:21.060 --> 0:27:25.740 kind of a scholar. And, um, he went through Scripture 0:27:25.780 --> 0:27:30.580 and really came up with a conclusion that it's more 0:27:30.580 --> 0:27:35.340 about training and habituating our children to our values and 0:27:35.340 --> 0:27:39.380 to the virtues that Christ had. It's no, not this, this, no, 0:27:39.380 --> 0:27:43.780 not this, this. And, um, so we kind of worked 0:27:43.780 --> 0:27:47.540 with our children in high training, high love. And what 0:27:47.540 --> 0:27:50.140 that means is, is we said, these are the 24 0:27:50.140 --> 0:27:53.340 ways that I mentioned earlier that our family is going 0:27:53.340 --> 0:27:56.660 to comply with the truth of God's Word. And if 0:27:56.660 --> 0:28:00.700 you can't follow these ways, there will be consequences. So 0:28:01.020 --> 0:28:05.430 maybe for the extroverted child, we would say, you have 0:28:05.430 --> 0:28:08.190 a choice to make if you if you can choose 0:28:08.190 --> 0:28:11.149 to ask for forgiveness or to bring peace in this situation, 0:28:11.590 --> 0:28:14.670 then great. Then you can continue to play. But if 0:28:14.710 --> 0:28:17.630 you choose to be a person of disharmony, you're going 0:28:17.670 --> 0:28:20.429 to have to sit over here with with mommy or 0:28:20.430 --> 0:28:21.989 with daddy, or you're going to have to write a 0:28:21.990 --> 0:28:24.470 paragraph out about what it means to be a peacemaker 0:28:24.470 --> 0:28:28.790 or whatever. We worked with training, filling their brains with 0:28:28.790 --> 0:28:34.390 truth and consequences. We just felt like, especially with our 0:28:34.390 --> 0:28:38.670 own children, some kind of harsh, I'm going to control 0:28:38.670 --> 0:28:41.350 you sort of discipline was just not the way that 0:28:41.350 --> 0:28:44.390 we were going to work with our children. Does it 0:28:44.430 --> 0:28:48.510 require more time? Yes. It requires more time to train, 0:28:48.510 --> 0:28:54.030 to instruct, to correct, to require consequences. But we found 0:28:54.030 --> 0:28:57.630 with each of the children they had different ways that 0:28:57.630 --> 0:29:01.870 they wanted to be respected and approached and trained. It's 0:29:01.870 --> 0:29:04.970 really fun for me because I was recently in Oxford again, 0:29:05.010 --> 0:29:08.610 where my daughter with my four grandchildren lives, and it 0:29:08.610 --> 0:29:11.410 was like deja vu. She was saying and doing the 0:29:11.410 --> 0:29:15.050 exact same things that we did in our house, and 0:29:15.050 --> 0:29:18.250 it was so fun to watch these precious little human 0:29:18.250 --> 0:29:22.970 beings with their own unique personalities to, at a very 0:29:22.970 --> 0:29:27.050 early age, learned to trust Mom and dad to respond 0:29:27.050 --> 0:29:32.290 to them, to develop a culture of unconditional love together. 0:29:32.290 --> 0:29:37.370 And so it's more about shaping the values in the heart. 0:29:37.410 --> 0:29:39.930 Reaching the heart. The heart is mentioned over 800 times 0:29:39.930 --> 0:29:43.330 in Scripture. It's more about reaching their heart with the 0:29:43.330 --> 0:29:48.210 imagination of being a virtuous person, than it is about 0:29:48.210 --> 0:29:51.930 some kind of a ten rules to discipline your child, 0:29:51.930 --> 0:29:55.730 which every child still needs us to respond to their 0:29:55.730 --> 0:29:57.890 personality with the training that we do. 0:29:58.490 --> 0:30:01.220 Yeah, I think that's a powerful area that a lot 0:30:01.260 --> 0:30:05.700 of parents miss, you know. We want to. Yes. Let 0:30:05.700 --> 0:30:08.300 them suffer consequences. But we want to wrap it all 0:30:08.300 --> 0:30:10.940 in love. Because the whole thing we're trying to do 0:30:10.940 --> 0:30:14.220 is just to help them become more like Christ and 0:30:14.220 --> 0:30:16.540 more like, you know what he wants them to be. 0:30:16.540 --> 0:30:20.900 So that's that's great. Well, for parents of multiple children, 0:30:21.340 --> 0:30:25.540 what are some strategies for nurturing each child's unique gifts 0:30:25.540 --> 0:30:31.100 without unintentionally creating favoritism or competition? What are your thoughts 0:30:31.100 --> 0:30:31.780 on that? 0:30:32.900 --> 0:30:34.620 You know, as I look back in my own life, 0:30:35.060 --> 0:30:39.180 I think that we need to be very careful not 0:30:39.180 --> 0:30:43.620 to compare our children, even as adults and as they 0:30:43.620 --> 0:30:48.020 are adults. And you need to determine that even as 0:30:48.020 --> 0:30:53.060 God loves us equally. I think that he he he 0:30:53.100 --> 0:30:56.500 died for each of us equally. He forgives us all. 0:30:57.020 --> 0:31:01.880 It's so important to not create a culture of competition 0:31:02.600 --> 0:31:06.320 in a home. I don't know how we accomplished that, 0:31:06.320 --> 0:31:08.719 but we just knew that each of our children. I 0:31:08.720 --> 0:31:12.640 think that love is the oxygen that gives life to 0:31:12.680 --> 0:31:16.440 each child. And so with some children, they needed more time, 0:31:16.440 --> 0:31:22.040 more personal time. With some children, they needed more encouragement 0:31:22.040 --> 0:31:26.920 or affirmation or understanding. But it's so important for us 0:31:27.320 --> 0:31:30.640 not to compare our children to one another and to 0:31:30.680 --> 0:31:35.960 free them to become exactly the adults that God created 0:31:35.960 --> 0:31:38.520 them to be. It's hard and it stretches you, but 0:31:38.520 --> 0:31:42.560 it will cause you to understand Christ and how we 0:31:42.560 --> 0:31:45.920 reach his world more. With all the people around us. 0:31:46.640 --> 0:31:49.960 Yeah. Did you ever notice with Nathan or his other 0:31:49.960 --> 0:31:53.920 siblings any sense that they felt like, well, you know, 0:31:53.960 --> 0:31:56.520 you're the favorite one. The other person's the favorite one? 0:31:56.560 --> 0:31:58.090 Did you ever sense any of that? 0:31:58.650 --> 0:31:59.170 You know. 0:31:59.490 --> 0:32:03.130 That's not been the our difficulty. Our difficulty would be 0:32:03.130 --> 0:32:06.130 more that sometimes a couple of the kids created more 0:32:06.130 --> 0:32:11.450 contention and required more time. You know, um, would maybe 0:32:11.690 --> 0:32:17.050 sass back or, or, um, or disagree or whatever. And 0:32:17.050 --> 0:32:19.570 so then we'd have to take time with more of 0:32:19.570 --> 0:32:22.170 the extroverts than the introverts. We would have to take 0:32:22.170 --> 0:32:25.170 more time to correct. And and our children knew that 0:32:25.170 --> 0:32:28.890 there was always going to be some kind of talk, correction, whatever. 0:32:29.250 --> 0:32:33.330 I tried really hard to give each of them individual time, 0:32:33.570 --> 0:32:36.770 individual focus for what I thought they needed. But it 0:32:36.770 --> 0:32:41.090 was more that, yes, they're nobody's perfect. No family is perfect. 0:32:41.370 --> 0:32:46.770 There were characteristics of Clarkson community that were irritating. Um, 0:32:46.930 --> 0:32:52.090 and so it was more about settling the conflict and, um, 0:32:52.090 --> 0:32:55.740 not allowing one child to take up all the time, 0:32:56.460 --> 0:32:57.380 if that makes sense. 0:32:57.620 --> 0:33:00.700 Yeah, yeah. Take us back to the time when you 0:33:00.700 --> 0:33:06.420 were trying to be Nathan's mom with all of his differences, and, uh, 0:33:06.660 --> 0:33:09.820 you really had no idea which way to go or 0:33:09.820 --> 0:33:13.420 how to do it. What what led you down the 0:33:13.420 --> 0:33:15.300 positive path that you followed? 0:33:15.780 --> 0:33:19.740 I think because I felt, um, judged by my own 0:33:19.740 --> 0:33:23.660 background and not accepted for who I was, I was 0:33:23.660 --> 0:33:26.580 very much like Nathan, uh, in the sense that I 0:33:26.580 --> 0:33:28.700 talked a lot. And now I get paid to talk. 0:33:29.820 --> 0:33:33.860 I just, I ask questions, and I thought all the time, 0:33:33.900 --> 0:33:38.460 I'm always thinking about words. I thought, this is what 0:33:38.460 --> 0:33:41.580 I wish that my parents had done for me. I 0:33:41.580 --> 0:33:44.860 wish they had liked who I was. I wish they 0:33:44.860 --> 0:33:48.660 had affirmed what I did when I was an adult. 0:33:48.900 --> 0:33:52.020 I wish that they had talked well of me to 0:33:52.060 --> 0:33:57.360 the other kids. So my story, everybody's story is different. 0:33:57.960 --> 0:34:00.440 The one thing I did want to say is that 0:34:00.920 --> 0:34:04.720 sometimes I found it hard to find other friends who 0:34:04.720 --> 0:34:08.799 understood the difficulties of my children. And you know that 0:34:08.800 --> 0:34:11.399 they would, that Nathan would sometimes get in trouble because 0:34:11.400 --> 0:34:14.600 he talked a lot. And so I would say, I 0:34:14.719 --> 0:34:17.879 think there's something different going on. These are things I've 0:34:17.880 --> 0:34:20.560 noticed with my child. He's very different than the other 0:34:20.560 --> 0:34:24.640 ones in these ways. And some of my friends would go, oh, 0:34:24.680 --> 0:34:28.040 he's just a normal teenager. And I thought, no, he's not. 0:34:28.520 --> 0:34:31.920 And they would say, um, aw, you're just having a 0:34:31.920 --> 0:34:34.640 hormonal day. And I thought, no, I'm not. You know, 0:34:34.680 --> 0:34:37.840 this is definitely something different. And I need support here. 0:34:38.040 --> 0:34:43.120 So not everybody understands children who are different. Yeah. And 0:34:43.120 --> 0:34:46.480 we talked a lot about that in the book. And, um, 0:34:46.480 --> 0:34:48.880 so I kind of want to say to people who 0:34:49.280 --> 0:34:52.370 maybe their children are easily compliant. I don't know if 0:34:52.370 --> 0:34:57.410 that exists, but, um, to give your friends who struggle 0:34:57.410 --> 0:35:00.890 with an out of the box child sympathy and an 0:35:00.890 --> 0:35:04.689 ear and support because it was hard for me. We 0:35:04.690 --> 0:35:07.290 ran a ministry and we had a lot of people 0:35:07.290 --> 0:35:09.969 that we worked with, and it was hard for me 0:35:09.969 --> 0:35:13.810 to not have some of the time people who understood. 0:35:14.770 --> 0:35:18.730 Yeah. What's one key takeaway that you hope parents will 0:35:18.890 --> 0:35:23.969 hold on to after reading your book? Uniquely you, and 0:35:23.969 --> 0:35:26.730 how can it transform their relationships with their children? 0:35:27.489 --> 0:35:34.250 I think every human being, every child, longs for love, acceptance, 0:35:34.290 --> 0:35:38.650 a safe place, a good friend, and I would say, 0:35:38.770 --> 0:35:43.689 if nothing else, ask God and and pray about it. 0:35:43.850 --> 0:35:48.090 What are some ways I can individually show my child 0:35:48.530 --> 0:35:51.540 that I am thrilled to be their parent, that I 0:35:51.580 --> 0:35:54.859 love them. That I am committed to helping them their 0:35:54.860 --> 0:35:57.219 whole life, that I. I will be there if they 0:35:57.219 --> 0:35:59.900 need someone to talk to. I think that one of 0:35:59.900 --> 0:36:02.259 the most profound things that we will answer to God 0:36:02.260 --> 0:36:05.340 for someday is as I was holding my little baby 0:36:05.340 --> 0:36:08.299 in my arms when she was first born. How are 0:36:08.300 --> 0:36:10.700 you going to so love that child so that they 0:36:10.700 --> 0:36:14.260 will believe in my love? How are you going to 0:36:14.460 --> 0:36:17.620 represent Christ in such a way that they'll see Jesus 0:36:18.060 --> 0:36:20.500 through the moments of your life, so they'll believe in 0:36:20.500 --> 0:36:25.020 Jesus when they are teenagers? Understand that one of the 0:36:25.020 --> 0:36:27.779 most profound things we will answer to God for is 0:36:27.780 --> 0:36:32.660 that he entrusted human beings into our hands to shape 0:36:32.820 --> 0:36:35.100 and to grow, and to love in such a way 0:36:35.100 --> 0:36:38.140 that he'll be glorified through our behavior and our actions. 0:36:39.140 --> 0:36:39.540 Yeah. 0:36:40.140 --> 0:36:42.339 So this is really interesting. You brought up in that 0:36:42.340 --> 0:36:45.300 last segment how the wound in your own life, the 0:36:45.300 --> 0:36:47.960 the love that you didn't feel from your own parents 0:36:48.280 --> 0:36:51.600 that you have allowed God to use that for good, 0:36:51.840 --> 0:36:54.200 not only in your own family and your own heart 0:36:54.200 --> 0:36:56.399 and life, but also now for other people. So the 0:36:56.400 --> 0:36:59.640 wound becomes a place of healing. I want to know, 0:36:59.680 --> 0:37:03.320 what was it like for you to hear Nathan? Actually, 0:37:03.360 --> 0:37:07.240 you read his words. He says this in his introduction. 0:37:07.239 --> 0:37:09.640 I was a unique kid who felt the daily pain 0:37:09.680 --> 0:37:11.840 of a world trying to fit me inside a box 0:37:11.840 --> 0:37:15.120 that I was never going to fit, but I had 0:37:15.120 --> 0:37:20.400 parents who listened to God, appreciated his unique design for me, 0:37:20.640 --> 0:37:22.959 and created a space in our home where I could 0:37:22.960 --> 0:37:26.280 grow freely into the person God created me to be, 0:37:26.440 --> 0:37:29.960 to tell the story he had created me to tell. 0:37:30.400 --> 0:37:32.799 What went on inside. When you read those words. 0:37:33.920 --> 0:37:39.960 I was very grateful. Obviously I thought, phew, we made it. Um, 0:37:40.640 --> 0:37:43.279 you know, it was just wonderful because I think there 0:37:43.320 --> 0:37:45.569 are many times in parents lives where they don't know 0:37:45.570 --> 0:37:48.930 if they if they're doing the right thing. But, um, 0:37:49.050 --> 0:37:51.770 as I looked back, I realized over a period of 0:37:51.770 --> 0:37:56.649 time that your story becomes your platform for reaching other people. 0:37:57.250 --> 0:38:00.489 Whatever your story is, if you trust God with it 0:38:00.489 --> 0:38:03.690 and says, Lord and say, Lord, how can I turn 0:38:03.690 --> 0:38:08.009 my story, my background, my family into a way that 0:38:08.010 --> 0:38:10.370 I might minister to other people? Because we all have 0:38:10.370 --> 0:38:13.850 a different story. But I think that what you learn 0:38:13.890 --> 0:38:17.890 in the wisdom that you acquire through that story becomes 0:38:18.050 --> 0:38:22.730 your platform of influence. Yeah, it was thrilling, actually. Just thrilling. 0:38:22.730 --> 0:38:24.730 And Nathan and I are best friends today. 0:38:25.250 --> 0:38:28.890 Yeah, I would think I could imagine reading those words, 0:38:28.930 --> 0:38:31.730 you know. Well, talk to the mom or dad listening 0:38:31.730 --> 0:38:36.050 who sees themselves in your story, but has been trying 0:38:36.090 --> 0:38:39.610 to change their child to fit them or into some 0:38:39.610 --> 0:38:42.930 mold that they have. What would you say to that parent? 0:38:43.980 --> 0:38:46.219 Well, I would say that, number one, you need to 0:38:46.260 --> 0:38:49.140 accept your child right now as they are, in case 0:38:49.140 --> 0:38:53.380 they never change, because I originally learned that a couple 0:38:53.380 --> 0:38:57.180 of my children are clinically OCD and that it was 0:38:57.180 --> 0:38:59.259 never going to change, their brains were never going to 0:38:59.300 --> 0:39:02.739 magically change theirs. I think sometimes we look for the 0:39:02.739 --> 0:39:04.980 right formula, the right book. Just give me the right 0:39:05.020 --> 0:39:10.100 rule to make this easier. Sometimes things are not going 0:39:10.140 --> 0:39:13.739 to become easier in this broken, chaotic world, but we 0:39:13.739 --> 0:39:16.219 can learn how to give it grace. We can learn 0:39:16.219 --> 0:39:20.380 how to cover our relationships with grace, to make progress, 0:39:20.380 --> 0:39:24.140 to move forward and learn more about love. God sees 0:39:24.140 --> 0:39:26.299 you as you are, who you are, as exactly the 0:39:26.300 --> 0:39:30.900 person that God wants to use to live your story well. 0:39:31.540 --> 0:39:34.980 And he loves you. He forgives you, he supports you, 0:39:34.980 --> 0:39:36.180 and he understands. 0:39:37.100 --> 0:39:39.380 Sarah, what would you say to the parent who feels 0:39:39.380 --> 0:39:43.080 like you know, I didn't sign up for a life 0:39:43.080 --> 0:39:45.799 to be this hard. And they're just right now they're 0:39:45.800 --> 0:39:48.280 just down there trying to figure out why, why, why? 0:39:48.680 --> 0:39:49.800 What would you say to them? 0:39:50.920 --> 0:39:53.440 You know, I think that's a great question. I actually 0:39:53.480 --> 0:39:56.799 am a little bit Pollyanna at heart. I would, you know, 0:39:56.840 --> 0:39:59.120 have these feelings of God. I, you know, I'm giving 0:39:59.120 --> 0:40:00.920 you everything. Can you make it a little bit easier 0:40:00.920 --> 0:40:05.719 for me, please? And I think that most of us 0:40:05.760 --> 0:40:08.400 were not in this in the last generation and in 0:40:08.400 --> 0:40:14.680 this generation, prepared for the sacrifices that God requires from 0:40:14.680 --> 0:40:17.560 us to be parents. You know, he puts babies into 0:40:17.560 --> 0:40:20.879 our hands who need to be fed, need to be protected. 0:40:21.080 --> 0:40:23.960 I mean, there is no choice. We are the ones 0:40:23.960 --> 0:40:26.600 that they look to for all of the work that 0:40:26.600 --> 0:40:29.080 it will take to be a parent. But I also 0:40:29.120 --> 0:40:33.120 think that the more I submitted to the hardness, the 0:40:33.120 --> 0:40:36.920 more I grew in my understanding of God's love, the 0:40:36.920 --> 0:40:40.570 more I became humble, which I needed to be. Um, 0:40:40.610 --> 0:40:44.170 the more I thought, my goodness, I am learning more 0:40:44.170 --> 0:40:47.210 about life and what really matters than I ever could 0:40:47.250 --> 0:40:49.730 have lived if I had an easy life. And I 0:40:49.730 --> 0:40:52.450 just think that I wish I had understood that to 0:40:52.489 --> 0:40:56.010 be in a fallen world means that there will be chaos, 0:40:56.010 --> 0:40:59.049 there will be brokenness, but that God will hold my 0:40:59.050 --> 0:41:01.890 hand every day as I walk through these difficult times. 0:41:02.410 --> 0:41:05.370 Yeah, and we can talk to him, right? Oh, God, 0:41:05.410 --> 0:41:07.650 this is hard. Oh, yeah. Help me, help me. 0:41:08.290 --> 0:41:12.490 Yeah. And I say, please, do you understand this person? Yes. 0:41:12.489 --> 0:41:13.130 For sure. 0:41:15.010 --> 0:41:20.049 You really believe that Psalm 139 is true where it 0:41:20.050 --> 0:41:26.130 says God knit me in my mother's womb? Mhm. How 0:41:26.130 --> 0:41:30.690 does that idea of your child being fearfully and wonderfully 0:41:30.690 --> 0:41:33.370 made change you as a mom? 0:41:34.290 --> 0:41:39.390 Well, I had to totally change my expectations of what 0:41:39.390 --> 0:41:41.709 it meant to be a parent. I thought my first 0:41:41.710 --> 0:41:45.230 two children were introverts and they were much easier. My 0:41:45.230 --> 0:41:47.590 second two children were not. I thought I was a 0:41:47.590 --> 0:41:53.390 perfect parent the first time around, and I realized that 0:41:53.390 --> 0:41:57.670 that I didn't have the formulas. I didn't know everything, 0:41:57.950 --> 0:42:01.870 but I did have this deep desire to love my children. 0:42:02.350 --> 0:42:06.509 So it required both Clay and me to change, to grow, 0:42:06.950 --> 0:42:12.270 to learn. And, um, you know, I think that most 0:42:12.270 --> 0:42:14.469 of us are not prepared. We're prepared to have a 0:42:14.469 --> 0:42:17.950 job or to accomplish things or to go into the world. 0:42:18.230 --> 0:42:21.629 But most of us haven't been in a culture that 0:42:21.630 --> 0:42:26.630 is family centered, that is children centered, that sees children 0:42:26.630 --> 0:42:30.190 as real, live human beings with great potential. And so 0:42:30.230 --> 0:42:33.710 we're having to learn a whole new area of life 0:42:33.710 --> 0:42:37.480 that we were never prepared to do. And that's just 0:42:37.480 --> 0:42:38.239 the reality. 0:42:39.080 --> 0:42:43.000 Sally, one question before we end here today. Talk to 0:42:43.040 --> 0:42:46.080 the parent who's listening to you and who says that 0:42:46.080 --> 0:42:49.000 I wish I had this 20 years ago, 30 years ago. 0:42:49.239 --> 0:42:52.960 But my opportunity is gone because my child now is 0:42:52.960 --> 0:42:56.120 an adult. What do you say to that parent? 0:42:56.680 --> 0:42:58.960 You know, I get letters all the time from people 0:42:58.960 --> 0:43:01.759 who say, I just wish that my parents and I 0:43:01.760 --> 0:43:05.359 could be close now. And I think it's never too 0:43:05.360 --> 0:43:11.919 late to. Jesus was a servant leader. He washed toes and, um, uh, 0:43:12.160 --> 0:43:15.080 120 dirty man toes, and he took children in his 0:43:15.080 --> 0:43:18.600 arms and he put up with people. And it requires 0:43:18.600 --> 0:43:20.719 us to be a servant to our children. It may 0:43:20.760 --> 0:43:24.080 take a while, but Jesus told the story of the 0:43:24.080 --> 0:43:28.680 prodigal because the father was waiting there to love and 0:43:28.680 --> 0:43:31.560 bless the child who wasn't as close to him as 0:43:31.560 --> 0:43:35.530 he hoped. And so I think that, um, it's never 0:43:35.530 --> 0:43:38.650 too late to love well, to serve well, to be humble, 0:43:38.690 --> 0:43:42.410 to ask for forgiveness, knowing that your adult child still 0:43:42.410 --> 0:43:44.970 wants and longs for your affirmation. 0:43:45.530 --> 0:43:49.370 You know, I've often said that I wish there had 0:43:49.370 --> 0:43:52.569 been parenting books back when we were raising our children, 0:43:52.770 --> 0:43:55.770 and maybe there were. I just didn't know where they were. 0:43:57.890 --> 0:43:58.770 That's so true. 0:43:59.250 --> 0:44:02.130 Yeah. But I'd like to say to our listeners today, 0:44:03.010 --> 0:44:06.810 you are hearing today about a book on parenting that 0:44:06.810 --> 0:44:10.850 will really, really help you wherever you are in the journey. 0:44:10.969 --> 0:44:13.489 So I just want to encourage our listeners to get 0:44:13.489 --> 0:44:18.570 this book uniquely you, because I think this message will really, 0:44:18.570 --> 0:44:21.650 really give a lot of practical help and will also 0:44:21.650 --> 0:44:24.730 point you to God for his help. And after all, 0:44:25.210 --> 0:44:28.490 all of us need his wisdom. So I really appreciate 0:44:28.489 --> 0:44:31.630 you being on today. And thanks for you and Nathan 0:44:31.630 --> 0:44:33.430 and your investment in this book? 0:44:33.790 --> 0:44:35.629 Well, thank you so much for having me. What an 0:44:35.630 --> 0:44:37.629 honor to talk with you after I read your book 0:44:37.630 --> 0:44:39.590 so many years ago. Thank you. Thank you. 0:44:40.350 --> 0:44:44.750 Again. The title of today's resource Uniquely You Exploring Your 0:44:44.750 --> 0:44:50.390 Child's Extraordinary Distinctive Design by Sally and Nathan Clarkson. And 0:44:50.390 --> 0:44:54.469 you can find out more at Building Relationships. Again. Look 0:44:54.469 --> 0:44:57.350 for that featured resource there, Building Relationships. 0:44:58.989 --> 0:45:03.870 And next week finding hope and purpose as a military wife. 0:45:04.070 --> 0:45:07.110 Don't miss a practical discussion in one week. Our thanks 0:45:07.110 --> 0:45:09.750 to Janice backing and Steve Wick for their work behind 0:45:09.750 --> 0:45:13.310 the scenes. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a 0:45:13.310 --> 0:45:17.710 production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a 0:45:17.710 --> 0:45:21.109 ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.