WEBVTT - Dear Gary | September 0:00:01.240 --> 0:00:05.400 This is becoming more and more stressful between the two 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:05.840 of us. 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:09.799 He's claiming that all the money we have is his money. 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:14.440 I just really miss not having time with my granddaughter. 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:22.239 Welcome to Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:25.680 The New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages Today. 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:30.280 Your questions about the love languages, in-laws, and more on 0:00:30.280 --> 0:00:33.360 our September edition of Dear Gary. And let me say 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:36.200 it early and often. We would love to hear your 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:40.440 question for Doctor Chapman on Future Broadcast. Here's the number 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:53.360 for our listener line 1866424. Gary again (866) 424-4279. The very 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:56.440 struggle that you're having right now in a relationship might 0:00:56.440 --> 0:00:59.320 be just what somebody else needs to hear. So give 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:02.570 us a call. And if you go to building relationships.us, 0:01:02.610 --> 0:01:05.410 you'll see our featured resource, a book by Doctor Chapman 0:01:05.410 --> 0:01:09.450 that he wrote with Jolene Filo. Sharing love abundantly in 0:01:09.450 --> 0:01:13.530 special needs families. It subtitled The Five Love Languages for 0:01:13.530 --> 0:01:17.650 Parents Raising Children with disabilities. Again, find out more at 0:01:17.650 --> 0:01:22.170 Building relationships.us. And Gary, that is a growing segment of 0:01:22.170 --> 0:01:26.090 the population. Families with children who have special needs. And 0:01:26.090 --> 0:01:28.490 there's more help now, I think, than there used to be. 0:01:28.530 --> 0:01:29.250 Do you agree? 0:01:29.650 --> 0:01:32.330 Well, there is, Chris, and that's why I wrote this 0:01:32.330 --> 0:01:38.289 book as well, because Jolene Filo, my coauthor, as you mentioned, 0:01:38.810 --> 0:01:41.250 has a special needs child, and she has worked in 0:01:41.290 --> 0:01:44.690 that field and had found the five love languages very, 0:01:44.690 --> 0:01:49.010 very helpful, but also knew something about the nuances of 0:01:49.010 --> 0:01:51.610 how to use the five love languages. You know, with 0:01:51.610 --> 0:01:55.090 special needs children. So if our listeners haven't heard of 0:01:55.130 --> 0:01:57.530 that book, I hope they'll get it because it will 0:01:57.530 --> 0:02:01.780 be a great help to them in expressing love to 0:02:01.820 --> 0:02:03.540 their child of special needs. 0:02:03.900 --> 0:02:08.139 We have it linked right there at the website Building relationships.us. 0:02:08.500 --> 0:02:13.940 The title again sharing love abundantly in special needs families. 0:02:14.300 --> 0:02:17.220 All right. I want to start with two in-law struggles. 0:02:17.220 --> 0:02:20.260 If we could Gary and be aware next week Doctor 0:02:20.260 --> 0:02:24.060 Kathy Cook is going to address resolving conflict between parents 0:02:24.060 --> 0:02:26.940 and adult children. So that's coming up in one week. 0:02:27.139 --> 0:02:30.019 But I want to hear your perspective on these. Here's 0:02:30.020 --> 0:02:32.780 the first question. I have a situation with my mother 0:02:32.780 --> 0:02:35.220 in law. My husband and I are having to keep 0:02:35.220 --> 0:02:39.020 her at a distance. We've had family meetings many times 0:02:39.020 --> 0:02:41.540 and told her where we stand and let her talk 0:02:41.580 --> 0:02:44.859 as well, and tried to set boundaries, and she will 0:02:44.860 --> 0:02:48.419 not respect us if she does. It only lasts for 0:02:48.419 --> 0:02:50.540 a month or so. Then she goes right back to 0:02:50.580 --> 0:02:53.140 the way it was. She shows up all the time 0:02:53.139 --> 0:02:56.140 with no text or call. She tries to mother our 0:02:56.139 --> 0:02:59.360 kids and she tries to mother us and tell us 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:02.200 what we should do. I have prayed and the Lord 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.600 has softened my heart. And then she goes right back 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:09.120 to doing what she was doing and my heart hardens again. 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:12.000 So that's the situation, Gary. What do you say? 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:15.520 Well, I say, first of all, I identify with what 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:20.040 she's saying, and I have empathy for her and her husband. Okay. 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:24.880 I think sometimes mother in law's forget that they have 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:29.640 an adult child who is married and perhaps has children. Uh, 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:33.200 in this case. And so they just keep on mothering. 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.840 You know, they keep on mothering, keep on being a parent. Uh, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:40.520 I would say that, uh, you know, I've written a 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:42.480 book on that and Cathy Cook has written a book 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:46.720 on that that I think you might find helpful. But 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:49.520 I do think, or that she might find helpful, you know, 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:51.760 put it in her hands and say, I heard about 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:56.440 this book and. Okay. But I do think, uh, it really, 0:03:56.440 --> 0:04:00.170 I think your husband is in the best position to 0:04:00.330 --> 0:04:04.770 communicate how the two of you feel with her because 0:04:04.770 --> 0:04:07.610 you've tried to, you know, the family things before. They 0:04:07.610 --> 0:04:11.490 haven't worked. Uh, but for you to be the one 0:04:11.530 --> 0:04:14.090 who the wife to be the one who is verbalizing 0:04:14.090 --> 0:04:16.969 this to her mother in law, I think just creates 0:04:17.050 --> 0:04:20.610 a barrier between the two of you. Uh, your husband 0:04:20.730 --> 0:04:24.530 has a relationship with her that you don't have. You know, 0:04:24.690 --> 0:04:27.370 she's a mother. So I'd say let him be the 0:04:27.370 --> 0:04:31.970 spokesman to share whatever either the two of you agree 0:04:32.010 --> 0:04:35.529 needs to be shared. Uh, the other factor is, of course, 0:04:35.570 --> 0:04:40.450 we we can't control her. I mean, we can make requests. 0:04:40.570 --> 0:04:42.450 And you've done some of that in the past, but 0:04:42.450 --> 0:04:49.169 we can't control her. And sometimes we have to adjust to, uh, 0:04:49.290 --> 0:04:54.930 the disposition and the character traits and the behavior traits 0:04:55.130 --> 0:04:59.540 of of in-laws who just are not responsive. But I 0:04:59.540 --> 0:05:02.820 wouldn't give up. I think periodically, if the husband could 0:05:02.820 --> 0:05:06.180 have a conversation with his mother and just reiterate some 0:05:06.180 --> 0:05:08.859 of the things that you have said in the past, 0:05:09.260 --> 0:05:11.540 you know, who knows? Maybe along the way she may 0:05:11.580 --> 0:05:16.380 soften herself. But again, we can influence another person. We 0:05:16.380 --> 0:05:21.420 cannot control the other person, but far better to have 0:05:21.420 --> 0:05:26.220 positive words along with whatever you are bringing up that 0:05:26.220 --> 0:05:29.900 you wish she wouldn't do. Expressing some gratitude for some 0:05:29.900 --> 0:05:33.020 of the things that she has done. Uh, that kind 0:05:33.060 --> 0:05:36.460 of creates a more positive atmosphere before you deal with 0:05:36.460 --> 0:05:38.140 the thing that's really troubling you. 0:05:38.500 --> 0:05:41.260 I see some hope in here because she says she'll 0:05:41.260 --> 0:05:43.859 do it for a few weeks or month, you know? 0:05:43.900 --> 0:05:46.620 So if you give words of affirmation, mom, in the 0:05:46.620 --> 0:05:49.340 last month, you have done so well with that, that 0:05:49.339 --> 0:05:52.380 request that we made. And then, you know, I just 0:05:52.380 --> 0:05:54.940 wanted you to know how much we appreciate, you know, 0:05:55.110 --> 0:05:58.750 you put it couch it in those terms and maybe 0:05:58.790 --> 0:06:01.950 she'll it'll click with her because it sounds like she 0:06:01.990 --> 0:06:04.990 like yours truly. I get in my set ways and 0:06:04.990 --> 0:06:07.190 I just go, I just go back to doing what 0:06:07.190 --> 0:06:12.070 I do relationally. Uh, unless I have somebody help me 0:06:12.110 --> 0:06:14.470 see what I can't see. So I see a little 0:06:14.510 --> 0:06:15.990 bit of hope there. What about you? 0:06:16.029 --> 0:06:20.190 Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Right. Chris. And the fact that you affirm, uh, 0:06:20.190 --> 0:06:22.510 you know, over the last month, mom, you've done really 0:06:22.510 --> 0:06:25.630 well with this, but, you know, last week what happened. 0:06:25.630 --> 0:06:27.790 And so I just want to remind you because I 0:06:27.790 --> 0:06:29.950 really appreciate what you've done. And I know that I 0:06:29.950 --> 0:06:31.950 know that you can you can help us here a 0:06:31.950 --> 0:06:35.350 lot if you can continue to, to make those changes. 0:06:35.630 --> 0:06:39.470 Yes. You mentioned the book by Doctor Cook, which is 0:06:39.470 --> 0:06:42.390 resolve conflict and Find peace and hope with adult children. 0:06:42.390 --> 0:06:45.110 We'll talk about that in a week. Your book about 0:06:45.110 --> 0:06:48.789 that topic is Your New Life with Your Adult Child. 0:06:48.830 --> 0:06:53.150 You can find out more about those at building relationships.us. 0:06:53.190 --> 0:06:57.040 All right, so there's in-law question number one. Our first 0:06:57.040 --> 0:07:00.479 caller also has a struggle with her mother in law. 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:03.160 And we pick up in the middle of her call. 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:05.040 Here's the gist of her problem. 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:10.680 We had several run ins. Um, and I just wanted 0:07:10.680 --> 0:07:16.040 to get some feedback on how we handled that situation recently. 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:19.240 She wants my husband to purchase a house for her 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:22.720 because she put herself in a financial situation, and now 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:28.320 she needs a home. And again, we've had several issues 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:33.200 in the past. She's a person that's very, um, self-righteous 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:37.480 and thinks she's better than others. And basically what we 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:40.760 were discussing, the financials and so on and so on. 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:43.720 She said he did. And I kind of aired out 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:47.640 what I've been holding back for many years. And we're 0:07:47.640 --> 0:07:51.200 not technically talking right now. She says she's at peace 0:07:51.440 --> 0:07:54.450 and things needed to be said, but I don't think 0:07:54.450 --> 0:07:58.850 it's over. And I do feel some guilt and how 0:07:58.850 --> 0:08:02.810 I felt, um, and how I expressed myself. I didn't 0:08:02.810 --> 0:08:04.570 want it to get to that point, but I just 0:08:04.610 --> 0:08:05.730 I'm looking for feedback. 0:08:07.010 --> 0:08:09.250 Well, I think the first thing I would say is 0:08:09.250 --> 0:08:13.050 if you feel guilty about the way you responded to her, 0:08:13.410 --> 0:08:15.850 that is, you know, maybe harsh words or loud words 0:08:15.850 --> 0:08:19.490 or whatever. Uh, I think the first step is an apology. 0:08:20.130 --> 0:08:21.930 You know, it's just to say, I just need to 0:08:21.930 --> 0:08:24.490 share this with you. I lost my temper the other 0:08:24.490 --> 0:08:27.170 day when da da da da da da da. And 0:08:27.170 --> 0:08:29.490 that was wrong. And I want to ask you to 0:08:29.530 --> 0:08:32.090 forgive me for that. I think that'd be the first 0:08:32.090 --> 0:08:35.929 step on your side in terms of buying a house 0:08:35.929 --> 0:08:39.690 for his mother that you all cannot afford. I think 0:08:39.690 --> 0:08:43.010 he's the one to communicate that to her and to say, 0:08:43.010 --> 0:08:45.330 not you. But he says to her, mom, I really 0:08:45.330 --> 0:08:47.690 wish I could do that, but we are not in 0:08:47.690 --> 0:08:51.370 a position financially to buy you a house. Now, if 0:08:51.370 --> 0:08:55.510 she really desperately needs help and having a place to live. 0:08:55.790 --> 0:08:59.110 Certainly as her son, he wants to do everything he 0:08:59.110 --> 0:09:02.189 can to help her. And if he has brothers and sisters, 0:09:02.190 --> 0:09:05.110 he would like to, he should bring them into the situation. 0:09:05.150 --> 0:09:07.950 So here's mom's situation and we need to do something 0:09:07.990 --> 0:09:11.110 to try to help her. But you can't do something 0:09:11.110 --> 0:09:16.470 that you cannot afford to do. Again, I believe that 0:09:16.510 --> 0:09:20.470 what I said earlier is that the the son or 0:09:20.470 --> 0:09:23.030 the daughter of the of the person is the one 0:09:23.030 --> 0:09:26.910 that's best equipped to communicate to them because they have 0:09:26.910 --> 0:09:31.390 a relationship, a lifelong relationship with them. So rather than 0:09:31.429 --> 0:09:34.550 you like the daughter in law trying to communicate to 0:09:34.590 --> 0:09:39.390 her your concerns or your requests or whatever. Far better 0:09:39.390 --> 0:09:42.470 to let the husband do that because it's his mother 0:09:42.910 --> 0:09:46.030 and you're far more likely to have a positive response. 0:09:46.470 --> 0:09:51.479 I would, however, continue to work at having a positive Relationship. 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:55.320 There's some people you cannot have a positive relationship with 0:09:55.480 --> 0:09:59.280 because whatever you do is always wrong. But it's always 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:01.200 worth the effort. And as I said, I want to 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:04.000 say it again. I think the place to start is 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.680 with an apology that you apologize to her and say, 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:10.880 I overreacted. And I lost my temper and I said 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:13.280 some things I should not have said, and I want 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:15.679 to ask you to forgive me. That could be the 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:18.719 first step in making the relationship better. 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:22.520 Our program is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. This 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:25.640 is our Dear Gary broadcast for September. We'd love to 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:31.280 hear your question. At 866424. Gary, leave your message. Maybe 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:34.280 have a question about the upcoming holiday season and a 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:43.359 strained relationship you have. Call 1-866-424-4279. And at the website 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:47.680 building relationships.us. You'll find out about our featured resource today. 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:50.890 The book by Doctor Chapman and Jolene Filo sharing love 0:10:50.929 --> 0:10:57.209 abundantly and special needs families go to building relationships.us. We've 0:10:57.210 --> 0:11:01.010 received a lot of dating questions from younger listeners through 0:11:01.010 --> 0:11:07.090 the years. Middle aged listeners, too. Here's one about octogenarian relationships. 0:11:08.330 --> 0:11:13.450 Hello, Gary. I am 84 years old and I am 0:11:13.450 --> 0:11:18.130 in a relationship with a 80 year old, but I 0:11:18.170 --> 0:11:24.130 have difficulty enjoying conversations with him, even though he offers 0:11:24.130 --> 0:11:27.410 me many compliments and he often says he loves me. 0:11:27.929 --> 0:11:34.770 He also is an atheist and regards anything, any religious, 0:11:34.850 --> 0:11:41.810 specifically ritual activity as foolish and ridiculous and unscientific and 0:11:41.809 --> 0:11:47.450 stuff like that. And I love all of those things. 0:11:47.450 --> 0:11:49.980 I have a relationship with God and I can't talk 0:11:49.980 --> 0:11:54.699 to him about it. This is becoming more and more stressful. 0:11:54.740 --> 0:11:59.780 Between the two of us. This, this deep disagreement and 0:11:59.780 --> 0:12:03.700 even quarrels is not helped by the fact that we 0:12:04.059 --> 0:12:07.740 enjoy touching or that we offer each other compliments, or 0:12:07.740 --> 0:12:10.900 that he does many wonderful things for me and gives 0:12:10.900 --> 0:12:16.860 me gifts. Oh, although we both believe in serving other 0:12:16.860 --> 0:12:20.660 people and in loving other people. And he's really very 0:12:20.660 --> 0:12:23.300 good about that sort of thing. It's just that he 0:12:23.300 --> 0:12:27.140 wants to leave God out and he hates rituals. I 0:12:27.260 --> 0:12:30.420 don't see how that fits into any of the five 0:12:30.540 --> 0:12:34.740 love languages. The time we spend together is marred by 0:12:34.740 --> 0:12:36.699 the fact that I can't talk to him about the 0:12:36.700 --> 0:12:40.300 things I that mean the most to me. What's the 0:12:40.300 --> 0:12:44.300 good of spending time together when we can't have a conversation? 0:12:44.300 --> 0:12:49.190 And I love conversations. I mean the compliments and the 0:12:49.230 --> 0:12:53.870 gifts don't compensate for that. And it feels as if 0:12:53.990 --> 0:12:57.150 the touching is about the only thing we really have. 0:12:57.950 --> 0:13:01.310 What do I do now? I'm not going to speak 0:13:01.309 --> 0:13:06.150 to my clergyman. Will probably say I shouldn't be in 0:13:06.150 --> 0:13:10.750 a relationship with somebody who doesn't believe in any deity. 0:13:11.150 --> 0:13:14.910 I don't know what else to do next. Thank you. Hi. 0:13:16.390 --> 0:13:19.510 Well, you have to feel for her pain, because at 0:13:19.510 --> 0:13:23.550 her age, she has found a person that she does 0:13:23.550 --> 0:13:26.190 have a lot of positive things about him. And they 0:13:26.190 --> 0:13:30.550 do some things together that she enjoys and he positive 0:13:30.590 --> 0:13:33.950 gifts and those kind of things. But she is dealing 0:13:33.950 --> 0:13:37.350 with the real issue. You know, the scriptures say, can 0:13:37.390 --> 0:13:41.670 two walk together if they're not agreed? And that doesn't 0:13:41.670 --> 0:13:45.309 mean we have to agree on everything, but we certainly 0:13:45.309 --> 0:13:48.400 have to agree on the most important thing for any 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:52.640 of us, and that is our relationship with God. A 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:57.920 life's meaning is not found in things, even in gifts. 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:02.679 Life's meaning is found in our relationship with God, and 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:06.439 it appears that our caller has a really close relationship 0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:10.439 with God, which is incredibly wonderful. That's what God wants 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:13.080 to have with every one of his children. But if 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:16.679 he is, not only is he not a Christian, but 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:19.720 he's not even willing to talk about it. And he 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:23.240 puts down people who believe there is a God. I 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:27.200 think on the major issue in a relationship, you disagree. 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.200 So I think there does come a point if he's 0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:33.880 not open, for example, to going to church with you, 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:38.440 he's not open to reading a Christian book on apologetics, 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:41.560 which is, you know, defending the Christian faith. He's not 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:45.240 willing to talk about it. Then it's a closed door. 0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:47.820 And as hard as it might be, I think there 0:14:47.820 --> 0:14:50.900 was a place to say to him, I have enjoyed 0:14:50.900 --> 0:14:54.780 our relationship, but I have to be honest with you, 0:14:54.780 --> 0:14:58.580 I cannot go on because we're walking to the beat 0:14:58.620 --> 0:15:03.900 of a different drummer, and I cannot continue a relationship 0:15:04.540 --> 0:15:08.620 with someone who is not even open to talking about 0:15:08.660 --> 0:15:12.220 our relationship with God, and who insists that there is 0:15:12.220 --> 0:15:15.700 no God. So it's just a matter of having a strong, 0:15:15.740 --> 0:15:19.140 hard relationship. Once you've made the decision, you have to 0:15:19.180 --> 0:15:22.700 make the decision. No one can make it for you. Uh, 0:15:22.900 --> 0:15:27.940 but I think, uh, in the light of what you've said, uh, 0:15:28.220 --> 0:15:31.820 that's probably what it's going to come to, but you'll 0:15:31.820 --> 0:15:33.980 have to think your way through it and decide when 0:15:34.020 --> 0:15:37.540 to do that. But if he has been that strong, 0:15:37.700 --> 0:15:40.300 as I heard in your voice of not even wanting 0:15:40.340 --> 0:15:43.300 to talk about it, you're not going to you're not 0:15:43.300 --> 0:15:46.870 going to have a healthy Relationship and there comes a 0:15:46.870 --> 0:15:48.310 place to recognize that. 0:15:49.190 --> 0:15:53.150 And I think she is so articulate and she is 0:15:53.150 --> 0:15:57.110 she's able to, you know, encapsulate what I just love 0:15:57.110 --> 0:16:00.310 how she put all, you know, these these things together. 0:16:00.470 --> 0:16:02.950 But then she said, I can't talk to my pastor, 0:16:02.950 --> 0:16:06.590 my clergyman, because I know what I'm going to, what 0:16:06.590 --> 0:16:08.470 I'm going to hear. And she doesn't want to hear it. 0:16:08.470 --> 0:16:11.110 She doesn't want to hear, you know, and it's like, okay, 0:16:11.150 --> 0:16:14.150 I get that this is the same thing that you 0:16:14.150 --> 0:16:17.590 would hear from a teenager. And I'm not putting either 0:16:17.590 --> 0:16:19.990 a teenager or an 80 year old down. It's like, 0:16:20.030 --> 0:16:24.070 this is the same issue. A teenager who's, who's dating 0:16:24.070 --> 0:16:27.910 somebody that is not really going to not good for her, 0:16:27.950 --> 0:16:31.990 you know, or him. And, and the parents try to say, yeah, 0:16:31.990 --> 0:16:35.150 but I try to talk some sense is like, no, 0:16:35.150 --> 0:16:37.910 I don't want to hear that. Yeah. So she, I 0:16:37.950 --> 0:16:40.150 think you're right. I think she has to come to 0:16:40.150 --> 0:16:43.560 this on her own rather than having somebody tell her, Or, 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:46.120 you know, reveal it, don't you? 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:49.760 Yeah, absolutely. Chris. It's a decision she has to make, 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:52.760 but she's already wrestling with it. She already has that 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:56.680 sense that the deepest thing that I want to talk about, 0:16:56.680 --> 0:16:59.120 I can't even talk about with him, you know, this 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:01.640 is my life. This is the heart of my life. 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:04.359 And so but yeah, she has to come to the 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:07.639 decision to recognize that this, this, she's not going to 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:12.080 find satisfaction in this relationship unless he is open to 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:16.560 start moving in a direction to, to discover that not 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:19.400 only is there a God, but that God loves him 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:22.840 and wants to have a relationship with him, but apparently 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:25.360 he is open to that option. 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.479 Well, can't they just be friends? I mean, is it 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:31.160 possible to just say, okay, we don't I don't want 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.320 to date anymore. You know, I want to spend this time, 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:35.000 but I still want to be friends with you. And 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:39.240 let's have conversations about, you know, the weather or whatever. Uh, 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:41.720 he's probably not going to like that, but you know 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:47.770 that She can still stay in a relationship, just not 0:17:47.770 --> 0:17:50.169 a close one like she's talking about. What do you 0:17:50.170 --> 0:17:50.850 think of that? 0:17:50.970 --> 0:17:55.050 Well, I think that's a possibility, you know. But I 0:17:55.090 --> 0:17:57.690 don't know what the nature of their relationship is. I 0:17:57.690 --> 0:18:00.490 don't know how many times they're seeing each other or even. 0:18:00.530 --> 0:18:03.050 I don't. I don't know who they may be living together, 0:18:03.090 --> 0:18:05.889 for that matter. I don't. I don't know. It wasn't 0:18:05.890 --> 0:18:09.450 wasn't clear what she said. Uh, but yeah, you can 0:18:09.450 --> 0:18:15.490 be friends with non-Christians, but the depth of the relationship 0:18:15.490 --> 0:18:18.689 is limited because you can't talk about spiritual things. 0:18:19.890 --> 0:18:23.170 That's Doctor Gary Chapman. This is our Dear Gary broadcast 0:18:23.170 --> 0:18:25.929 for September. So glad you're listening. If you have a 0:18:25.930 --> 0:18:32.730 question for Gary for a future broadcast. 866424. Gary now 0:18:32.730 --> 0:18:34.969 a love language question from a mom who wants to 0:18:35.010 --> 0:18:38.050 express a specific love language. 0:18:39.650 --> 0:18:45.100 Hi, Gary. I have a question? I have an adult son. 0:18:45.540 --> 0:18:49.460 His primary love language is quality time. So I was 0:18:49.460 --> 0:18:54.300 just asking like, what would be the best way to 0:18:55.140 --> 0:19:00.700 show quality time for, um, adult son? Thank you for 0:19:00.700 --> 0:19:01.459 getting my call. 0:19:02.660 --> 0:19:06.859 I think the answer would lie in what he is 0:19:06.859 --> 0:19:12.139 interested in in life. If he is into sports, for example. 0:19:12.140 --> 0:19:16.139 But you know nothing about sports, then to begin to 0:19:16.180 --> 0:19:19.780 learn something about sports. So you could talk about a 0:19:19.820 --> 0:19:23.580 topic that he has real interest in. I think if 0:19:23.580 --> 0:19:26.940 he invites you to go out for dinner, that would 0:19:26.940 --> 0:19:30.139 be a setting in which you could give quality time. 0:19:30.700 --> 0:19:34.980 Or you could invite him to have dinner with you. Now, 0:19:35.140 --> 0:19:38.100 she didn't say whether he's married or whether he's not married. 0:19:38.580 --> 0:19:42.310 A single son would probably be very open to have 0:19:42.310 --> 0:19:46.910 dinner with his mother, especially if she's going to cook. 0:19:48.510 --> 0:19:51.630 But even going out to a restaurant would probably be good. 0:19:52.350 --> 0:19:55.830 Quality time means that you give the person your undivided 0:19:55.830 --> 0:19:59.990 attention for a period of time. And so it's finding 0:19:59.990 --> 0:20:04.750 a context in which you can give undivided attention. Now, 0:20:04.790 --> 0:20:07.189 if he is super, super busy, he has a full 0:20:07.230 --> 0:20:10.230 time job, has a family marriage and has a family. 0:20:10.510 --> 0:20:15.190 Obviously he has less time than she has. If she's 0:20:15.230 --> 0:20:18.830 if she's single and you know, has is free and 0:20:18.830 --> 0:20:22.230 not not engaged in working and all that sort of thing. 0:20:23.070 --> 0:20:26.150 But that's the basic concept is you want to find 0:20:26.150 --> 0:20:28.909 a place and time along the way on a somewhat 0:20:28.950 --> 0:20:33.030 regular basis in which you can give your undivided attention 0:20:33.030 --> 0:20:36.990 to him. If he's into walking and you are able 0:20:36.990 --> 0:20:39.750 to walk, you might even want to walk with him 0:20:39.750 --> 0:20:42.050 once in a while, even if there's not a lot 0:20:42.050 --> 0:20:45.970 of conversation, at least you're with him doing something that 0:20:45.970 --> 0:20:49.890 he likes to do, and you're giving your undivided attention 0:20:49.890 --> 0:20:53.250 to it. If he has any other interest, I think 0:20:53.290 --> 0:20:56.609 you learning something about that interest and being willing to 0:20:56.609 --> 0:21:00.090 do something with him in that could be very helpful. 0:21:00.650 --> 0:21:02.650 That's what I was thinking. Go to a football game. 0:21:02.690 --> 0:21:05.650 Does he like football? Does he like to watch some 0:21:05.650 --> 0:21:08.410 kind of sport? Is he, you know, into golf or 0:21:08.410 --> 0:21:12.649 whatever to be able to to watch something and watch 0:21:12.650 --> 0:21:15.330 something together. And that for a lot of people is 0:21:15.330 --> 0:21:17.930 that's not quality time. You can't spend quality time if 0:21:17.930 --> 0:21:20.730 you're watching a movie together. Well, that's not true for 0:21:20.730 --> 0:21:23.810 some people. That's the very thing that they want, right? 0:21:24.130 --> 0:21:27.330 Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And then, you know, you can have 0:21:27.330 --> 0:21:31.290 conversations before and after the event, whatever it is. And 0:21:31.290 --> 0:21:35.290 sometimes you can discuss the event. Uh, you know, if 0:21:35.290 --> 0:21:38.810 it's a game and something spectacular happened, you, the two 0:21:38.810 --> 0:21:40.740 of you can talk about it after it's over. 0:21:41.100 --> 0:21:43.340 And if you do that, take a picture. I want 0:21:43.380 --> 0:21:47.419 to see it. Okay. All right. And this is where 0:21:47.460 --> 0:21:50.460 you know what you're going through right now. That mom 0:21:50.460 --> 0:21:54.180 and her adult son helped some other mom who's listening, 0:21:54.180 --> 0:21:57.980 or dad, because you had a question and you called us. 0:21:57.980 --> 0:22:02.379 Eight six, 6424. Gary, leave your message. Or maybe there's 0:22:02.380 --> 0:22:05.500 something really positive that's going on in your relationships. You 0:22:05.500 --> 0:22:10.219 want to talk about it or tell Gary about it. 1866424. 0:22:10.380 --> 0:22:13.940 Gary we have time for one more question before I break. 0:22:13.940 --> 0:22:16.899 And here's a question that we have. We have never 0:22:16.900 --> 0:22:19.580 heard on this program. Here we go. 0:22:20.780 --> 0:22:23.660 Hi Gary. I hope you can help me out and 0:22:23.780 --> 0:22:27.820 give me an answer. And that is back in 71. 0:22:28.220 --> 0:22:32.899 And that as a marine veteran, there was a General Chapman. Okay. 0:22:33.180 --> 0:22:36.700 And I was just wondering very simply if you're related 0:22:36.700 --> 0:22:40.149 to General Chapman. That was my question. And if you are, 0:22:40.590 --> 0:22:42.950 I would you know, I'm going to give you my 0:22:42.950 --> 0:22:46.390 phone number, please. You know, call me directly. I that 0:22:46.390 --> 0:22:48.229 would be great as a marine. Like I say, he 0:22:48.230 --> 0:22:51.270 was our general at the time. It was General Chapman. 0:22:51.270 --> 0:22:53.590 And once again, I wonder if you were related to 0:22:53.630 --> 0:22:56.149 him and if he is. Wow. You know, it's a 0:22:56.190 --> 0:22:58.590 long shot. But at the same time, I appreciate if 0:22:58.590 --> 0:23:01.310 you get back with me either way, you know, yes 0:23:01.310 --> 0:23:03.830 or no. This way I know where I stand. Thank 0:23:03.830 --> 0:23:04.990 you sir. Have a great day. 0:23:06.190 --> 0:23:10.750 Well, this question is very easy to answer, Chris. The 0:23:10.750 --> 0:23:18.190 answer is no. But I really appreciate the call because 0:23:18.190 --> 0:23:20.270 this is something that's important to him. He was a 0:23:20.270 --> 0:23:24.230 marine and this was his general. And here he is. 0:23:24.270 --> 0:23:27.830 You know, years later, he still has a desire to 0:23:27.869 --> 0:23:31.190 wonder what's going on with General Chapman. Where would he be, 0:23:31.230 --> 0:23:33.350 you know, and that sort of thing. And that's great. 0:23:33.350 --> 0:23:36.790 It's really great. Uh, but no, it was not. I'm 0:23:36.790 --> 0:23:39.639 not related to him. Now, I don't know if he 0:23:39.640 --> 0:23:42.359 left his phone number or not. Uh, if he did, 0:23:42.359 --> 0:23:45.199 I think somebody, me or somebody needs to call him 0:23:45.200 --> 0:23:47.520 and tell him that because he may not be listening today. 0:23:47.560 --> 0:23:48.240 Will do it. 0:23:48.480 --> 0:23:50.400 Well, and you know, here's the other thing that I 0:23:50.440 --> 0:23:53.360 hear in his voice is he really has an affinity 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:56.000 for you and he likes you. And it's like, wouldn't 0:23:56.000 --> 0:23:59.240 it be great if General Chapman was was related to 0:23:59.280 --> 0:24:03.160 Gary Chapman? You know, so and that warm feeling. And 0:24:03.160 --> 0:24:05.280 we have to say to him and to others who 0:24:05.280 --> 0:24:08.119 have served, thank you for your service. Right? 0:24:08.359 --> 0:24:12.520 Absolutely, absolutely. My father was in the military as well, 0:24:12.520 --> 0:24:15.360 not in the Marines, but he was in the military 0:24:15.400 --> 0:24:17.480 in the Second World War. So I have a great 0:24:17.480 --> 0:24:20.399 respect for all those who served in the military. 0:24:22.000 --> 0:24:25.600 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:24:25.640 --> 0:24:28.000 He is the author of The New York Times best seller, 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:31.200 The Five Love Languages. Find out more about that and 0:24:31.200 --> 0:24:36.119 our featured resource at Building relationships.us. That resource is the 0:24:36.119 --> 0:24:40.169 book by Doctor Chapman and Joline Philo. Sharing love abundantly 0:24:40.170 --> 0:24:45.010 in special needs families. Just go to building relationships.us or 0:24:45.010 --> 0:24:49.050 you'll find us at five love languages.com. And if you'd 0:24:49.050 --> 0:24:55.410 like to ask a question, call our listener line at 1866424. Gary. 0:24:55.450 --> 0:25:04.090 We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279. Marriage and money 0:25:04.090 --> 0:25:07.970 struggles are pretty common, but I'm interested to hear your 0:25:07.970 --> 0:25:11.330 advice to our next caller, Gary. Here's her question. 0:25:12.250 --> 0:25:15.169 Hello Gary. I have a question. I've been married to 0:25:15.170 --> 0:25:19.730 my husband for over 40 years. Um, I've had, um, 0:25:20.290 --> 0:25:24.890 I've had jobs in the past. He's been the breadwinner. However, 0:25:24.890 --> 0:25:28.010 now he's claiming that all the money we have is 0:25:28.010 --> 0:25:32.130 his money. He has been taking money out of our 0:25:32.530 --> 0:25:36.350 accounts and putting them. I don't know where he says 0:25:36.350 --> 0:25:40.390 he forgets where he puts the money. He started some 0:25:41.790 --> 0:25:45.270 CDs for our grandchildren, which is fine, but he didn't 0:25:45.310 --> 0:25:48.470 tell me about that. I don't know what to do. 0:25:48.869 --> 0:25:53.350 I don't know if I should open up my own 0:25:53.350 --> 0:25:55.950 account and start putting money in there, but see, that's 0:25:55.950 --> 0:25:58.629 what he's been doing and I don't roll that way. 0:25:58.990 --> 0:26:02.710 So I feel like I really can't trust him, and 0:26:02.710 --> 0:26:05.389 I just need some help. Thank you. 0:26:06.830 --> 0:26:09.990 Well, the big issue here, Chris, it seems to me, 0:26:09.990 --> 0:26:14.990 is lack of trust. And I can understand that a 0:26:14.990 --> 0:26:18.790 husband who is making decisions to put my amounts of 0:26:18.790 --> 0:26:23.030 money somewhere, she has no idea where it is. He 0:26:23.030 --> 0:26:26.870 could be gambling if he's a gambler, you know. But 0:26:26.869 --> 0:26:29.550 that may not be true at all. He may be 0:26:29.550 --> 0:26:33.310 putting accounts which she mentioned in, to setting up accounts 0:26:33.310 --> 0:26:36.480 for grandchildren. And that's, as she said, that's a good thing. 0:26:37.359 --> 0:26:41.880 But even their marriage is we're a team. I often 0:26:41.920 --> 0:26:44.359 say to couples when they're getting married. Now you understand 0:26:44.400 --> 0:26:47.880 that when you get married, it's no longer my money. 0:26:47.880 --> 0:26:53.440 And your money. It's our money. We are a covenant team. 0:26:54.000 --> 0:26:57.119 And that's why before you get married, if one of 0:26:57.119 --> 0:27:00.600 you owes $60,000 college debt, you need to share it 0:27:00.640 --> 0:27:03.400 with the other person. Don't tell them two years after 0:27:03.400 --> 0:27:07.280 you get married. Throughout the marriage relationship, there needs to 0:27:07.280 --> 0:27:11.000 be an openness about money. Now, typically one of them 0:27:11.000 --> 0:27:14.280 is handling the payment of the bills and the balancing 0:27:14.280 --> 0:27:16.880 the checkbooks and that sort of thing. But they're just 0:27:16.880 --> 0:27:19.200 doing it for both of us. But each of us 0:27:19.200 --> 0:27:23.080 should have access to whatever we have and know, you know, 0:27:23.119 --> 0:27:28.200 what we have. So, uh, I hear her frustration, and 0:27:28.200 --> 0:27:30.760 my guess is he would never go to a counselor 0:27:30.760 --> 0:27:34.490 to talk about it. Yeah, Yeah, it would be helpful 0:27:34.490 --> 0:27:36.970 if both of them could go to a counselor and say, 0:27:36.970 --> 0:27:39.610 we have a problem, and here's what we're dealing with 0:27:39.930 --> 0:27:43.290 so that they could have an outside party speaking into 0:27:43.290 --> 0:27:49.090 that issue. Because realistically, the healthy thing is for him 0:27:49.090 --> 0:27:51.930 simply to let her know where he's putting the money 0:27:51.930 --> 0:27:55.409 and what he's doing and why he's doing it. And also, 0:27:55.730 --> 0:27:58.810 if she opposes opposes that, she needs the freedom to 0:27:58.850 --> 0:28:02.210 share that. And if they disagree on it, then they 0:28:02.210 --> 0:28:05.410 need to hear each other's perspective and say, okay, now 0:28:05.410 --> 0:28:08.770 we see it differently. So how can we solve the problem? 0:28:09.250 --> 0:28:11.290 And you look for a solution that both of you 0:28:11.330 --> 0:28:15.369 can agree on. Uh, of course, perhaps they don't have 0:28:15.369 --> 0:28:19.609 a history of solving conflicts. They have conflicts, but they 0:28:19.609 --> 0:28:23.369 just argue about it. And arguments never lead to a 0:28:23.369 --> 0:28:29.129 healthy resolution. So those are my thoughts. I just, I 0:28:29.170 --> 0:28:32.250 feel I feel for the lady. Married 40 years and 0:28:32.380 --> 0:28:34.460 he is handling the money and not letting her know 0:28:34.460 --> 0:28:37.780 what he's what he's doing. That's not a healthy factor 0:28:37.780 --> 0:28:38.980 in a relationship. 0:28:40.020 --> 0:28:42.220 I this may be judgmental of me, but I don't 0:28:42.220 --> 0:28:44.940 believe when he says, I don't know where I put 0:28:44.940 --> 0:28:47.140 the money. I don't believe for a minute that he 0:28:47.140 --> 0:28:49.620 had no where he put it, because this is so 0:28:49.620 --> 0:28:50.860 important to him, you know? 0:28:50.900 --> 0:28:53.580 So if he if he doesn't remember, it's more serious 0:28:53.580 --> 0:28:55.780 than we think he does. He's lost his brain. 0:28:56.140 --> 0:28:59.740 Okay. So so her idea of I don't roll that 0:28:59.740 --> 0:29:03.620 way I could and I really like, uh, her how 0:29:03.620 --> 0:29:07.580 she put that because I could just take money and 0:29:07.580 --> 0:29:09.620 squirrel it away. You know, I could just do what 0:29:09.620 --> 0:29:12.860 he does. And it sounds like she didn't want to 0:29:12.860 --> 0:29:15.260 do that because she knows it's not the right way 0:29:15.260 --> 0:29:18.140 and it's not going to solve anything. It may solve 0:29:18.140 --> 0:29:21.100 some things, but it's not going to solve the trust issue. 0:29:21.460 --> 0:29:25.420 So outside of a third party, you know, if he 0:29:25.420 --> 0:29:27.900 won't go to a counselor, you know, is there somebody 0:29:27.900 --> 0:29:31.510 he respects that that she could ask to come in 0:29:31.510 --> 0:29:35.430 and help them kind of solve that thing. I, I 0:29:35.510 --> 0:29:39.150 don't see an easy fix here either. 0:29:39.990 --> 0:29:42.830 No, I agree with that, Chris. The fact that he 0:29:42.830 --> 0:29:45.870 said he doesn't remember where he put the money makes 0:29:45.870 --> 0:29:49.430 me think that he he misplaced the money. He spent 0:29:49.430 --> 0:29:52.830 the money on something or he gambled the money away 0:29:53.190 --> 0:29:57.750 or whatever, you know. That's my guess. But yeah, that's 0:29:57.750 --> 0:30:02.750 a serious problem. Really serious problem. And obviously if it's 0:30:02.750 --> 0:30:05.150 not resolved, it's going to always be an issue and 0:30:05.150 --> 0:30:08.510 it's going to get bigger. The the older they get, 0:30:08.550 --> 0:30:09.630 it's going to get bigger. 0:30:10.070 --> 0:30:13.950 You always say, uh, if he won't go to counseling 0:30:13.950 --> 0:30:17.150 or she won't go to counseling, go by yourself. Is 0:30:17.150 --> 0:30:18.510 that apropos here? 0:30:18.870 --> 0:30:21.270 Yeah, I think so. I think so because she needs 0:30:21.270 --> 0:30:23.910 to be heard. She needs to have someone who listens 0:30:23.910 --> 0:30:27.510 to her and hears her perspective and, uh, has some 0:30:27.510 --> 0:30:31.600 empathy because she's kind of alone now in this situation, 0:30:31.600 --> 0:30:34.680 it's my guess she hadn't told anybody, but she's deeply 0:30:34.680 --> 0:30:38.360 frustrated about it. So yes, if he won't go to. 0:30:38.400 --> 0:30:40.720 And what she would do is say to him, I 0:30:41.000 --> 0:30:45.560 am struggling greatly about this and I am going to 0:30:45.560 --> 0:30:48.320 see a counselor and I would like for you to 0:30:48.360 --> 0:30:51.000 go with me and see if we can resolve this. 0:30:51.000 --> 0:30:54.560 But even if you don't, I'm going for counseling. Yes, 0:30:55.040 --> 0:30:57.000 that would be a first step in my opinion. 0:30:57.960 --> 0:31:00.960 Well, I've given you our phone number several times today. 0:31:01.080 --> 0:31:04.360 Very grateful for that call from the wife, because I 0:31:04.480 --> 0:31:07.800 guarantee you there's somebody listening who is going through a 0:31:07.800 --> 0:31:11.880 similar kind of situation and you've helped kind of touch 0:31:11.880 --> 0:31:14.959 that nerve to say, okay, how can we move forward? 0:31:15.080 --> 0:31:17.840 So feel free to call with any struggle that you have, 0:31:17.880 --> 0:31:20.840 but our listener lines also for good news, for breakthroughs, 0:31:20.840 --> 0:31:24.640 for gratitude, like you're going to hear from our next caller. 0:31:26.040 --> 0:31:28.360 Hi, my name is Joy and I wanted to go 0:31:28.360 --> 0:31:29.200 on the radio. 0:31:29.580 --> 0:31:30.580 To be. 0:31:30.580 --> 0:31:36.940 Thankful and tell everybody around Southwest Florida or wherever they're 0:31:36.940 --> 0:31:42.820 listening to the radio that when I had cancer, the 0:31:42.820 --> 0:31:46.540 community came together. They got me an apartment. They got 0:31:46.540 --> 0:31:55.700 me everything I needed from furniture to everything. They got me. Um, 0:31:56.220 --> 0:32:00.060 I just wanted to be thankful to tell everybody that 0:32:00.060 --> 0:32:03.500 there are people that care. Thank you. And God bless. 0:32:04.500 --> 0:32:08.700 You know, Chris, I think this call indicates how valuable 0:32:08.700 --> 0:32:13.100 it is to be a part of a community. If 0:32:13.140 --> 0:32:16.620 you live an isolated life and then you have a 0:32:16.620 --> 0:32:19.460 physical problem or a mental problem or any other kind 0:32:19.500 --> 0:32:23.340 of problem, there's nobody there to help you. But if 0:32:23.380 --> 0:32:27.220 you are a part of a community, chances are when 0:32:27.220 --> 0:32:31.030 you have a problem. Some of those people are going 0:32:31.070 --> 0:32:33.270 to reach out, and they're going to do everything they 0:32:33.270 --> 0:32:36.830 can to help you. So whether that community is a church, 0:32:36.830 --> 0:32:39.870 which to me is the logical and best thing, because 0:32:39.910 --> 0:32:45.469 Christian Christian community is just absolutely incredibly wonderful. But it 0:32:45.470 --> 0:32:48.870 can also be, you know, a community that you live 0:32:48.870 --> 0:32:51.510 in and you reach out and make friends with neighbors 0:32:51.510 --> 0:32:54.430 and that sort of thing. But life was not meant 0:32:54.430 --> 0:32:58.070 to be lived in isolation. And we live in community. 0:32:58.110 --> 0:33:01.910 We're going to find there's a lot of advantages to that, 0:33:01.910 --> 0:33:04.390 even if you're not having trouble. But when you do 0:33:04.390 --> 0:33:08.270 have a problem, then you really realize who your friends are. 0:33:09.270 --> 0:33:13.390 I am grateful for the thankfulness in her call. And 0:33:13.390 --> 0:33:16.510 I wonder if there's anybody listening right now who has 0:33:16.510 --> 0:33:20.790 a strained relationship at work, because our next caller is 0:33:20.790 --> 0:33:23.270 talking about a breakthrough that she had. 0:33:24.510 --> 0:33:28.400 Hi, Gary. I just wanted to state that I had 0:33:28.400 --> 0:33:32.080 problems with a boss when I was working in health care, 0:33:32.520 --> 0:33:35.400 and he and I were like two needles. Um, to 0:33:35.400 --> 0:33:38.080 make a long story short, throw a word of knowledge 0:33:38.080 --> 0:33:40.719 I received. They said that I was in the way. 0:33:41.240 --> 0:33:44.760 They told me somebody having problems with their boss and 0:33:44.760 --> 0:33:47.640 you're in the way. The Lord said he cannot work. 0:33:47.640 --> 0:33:50.520 So I said, that's me. The next day I just 0:33:50.520 --> 0:33:54.320 kept quiet. Everything he said, I just bit my tongue 0:33:54.320 --> 0:33:58.040 and I said, okay, okay. And then one day he 0:33:58.040 --> 0:34:00.360 came to me. He said, uh, Rosa, do you have 0:34:00.360 --> 0:34:02.800 a Bible? And I said, do I have a Bible? Yes. 0:34:02.800 --> 0:34:05.040 So I gave him my Bible. He said, can I 0:34:05.040 --> 0:34:08.200 read this for a while? I said, yes, and so 0:34:08.239 --> 0:34:11.360 with that, you know, the Lord spoke to him and 0:34:11.400 --> 0:34:14.760 there was no problems after. I can't say completely, no, 0:34:14.760 --> 0:34:18.440 but I was able to work closely with him and 0:34:18.920 --> 0:34:22.560 I just have retired and I have not heard from him. 0:34:22.760 --> 0:34:25.280 But I'm sure that made a difference because he called 0:34:25.280 --> 0:34:29.009 me a peacemaker. So I just thank God that I 0:34:29.010 --> 0:34:32.250 was able to, um, share that with him and also 0:34:32.250 --> 0:34:37.490 Christ because he was Jewish also. Thank you. Bye bye. 0:34:38.810 --> 0:34:42.570 Well, Chris, a lot of people can identify, uh, with 0:34:42.570 --> 0:34:48.529 problems in the workplace because, uh, all of us are 0:34:48.530 --> 0:34:52.730 working with humans and some humans have one kind of 0:34:52.730 --> 0:34:57.850 personality and some have another personality, and they respond differently 0:34:57.850 --> 0:35:02.850 in different situations. Many, many people have struggles with their 0:35:02.850 --> 0:35:07.610 boss because they just, they're so different. And what I 0:35:07.650 --> 0:35:10.089 hear her saying is that she, she just really felt 0:35:10.090 --> 0:35:12.569 badly because he was hard. He was hard to work 0:35:12.570 --> 0:35:15.689 for and hard to work with. And she just kind 0:35:15.730 --> 0:35:19.649 of gritted her teeth and, and stuck it out and 0:35:19.650 --> 0:35:22.610 just stopped complaining. Or maybe she was never complaining, I 0:35:22.610 --> 0:35:25.739 don't know, just carrying it all on the inside. but 0:35:25.739 --> 0:35:28.300 she kind of accepted it and just tried to be 0:35:28.300 --> 0:35:31.380 kind and do what needed to be done. And I 0:35:31.380 --> 0:35:34.140 don't know what motivated him to ask, do you have 0:35:34.140 --> 0:35:37.220 a Bible? Unless he saw her reading a Bible, maybe 0:35:37.260 --> 0:35:40.859 at a break time. But the very fact that he 0:35:40.860 --> 0:35:45.299 would ask to borrow her Bible indicates that something's going 0:35:45.300 --> 0:35:49.300 on inside of him. Uh, and so, uh, you know, 0:35:49.340 --> 0:35:52.420 he apparently he started reading the Bible and apparently he 0:35:52.420 --> 0:35:56.140 changed his behavior because she said God spoke to him. That's, 0:35:56.140 --> 0:36:00.220 that's her interpretation. God spoke to him. And, uh, and 0:36:00.219 --> 0:36:04.660 now she said, uh, our, our relationship really got much better. 0:36:05.180 --> 0:36:07.220 So you know what we do or what we can 0:36:07.219 --> 0:36:12.460 do whenever we are having trouble with a boss, obviously 0:36:13.100 --> 0:36:16.779 responding in a positive way to them. Uh, if you 0:36:16.820 --> 0:36:20.540 know their love language, speak in their love language, for example, 0:36:21.020 --> 0:36:24.020 looking for one. If words is their language, look for 0:36:24.020 --> 0:36:27.149 one positive thing you can say about them and say 0:36:27.150 --> 0:36:29.710 to them, though there might be ten things you don't 0:36:29.710 --> 0:36:32.750 like about them. But that's why I wrote that book. 0:36:32.790 --> 0:36:36.310 You know, the five languages of appreciation in the workplace, 0:36:36.750 --> 0:36:39.669 because we're people, we're humans at work, and we need 0:36:39.670 --> 0:36:43.150 to feel appreciated by the people we work with. And 0:36:43.150 --> 0:36:45.950 that book has helped change the climate of a lot 0:36:45.950 --> 0:36:49.709 of work situations. I'm glad this worked out for her. 0:36:49.750 --> 0:36:53.390 She says she's now retired and she hasn't heard from him, 0:36:53.870 --> 0:36:57.469 which is not unusual in a work situation. But I'm 0:36:57.510 --> 0:37:00.670 glad she called because she's speaking for a lot of 0:37:00.670 --> 0:37:04.350 people out there who are hurting in their relationship with 0:37:04.350 --> 0:37:07.230 their boss, or sometimes it's just a fellow, a fellow 0:37:07.230 --> 0:37:13.310 employee that they're that they're struggling with and always looking 0:37:13.310 --> 0:37:17.670 for something positive in people and expressing it is at 0:37:17.710 --> 0:37:19.670 least a step in the right direction. 0:37:20.110 --> 0:37:23.890 Bingo. And I love that about this program that there 0:37:23.890 --> 0:37:27.970 are things that come through in people's stories and her 0:37:27.969 --> 0:37:31.450 story with her boss, and the questions that we get 0:37:31.489 --> 0:37:34.970 and the struggles that you have inform all of us 0:37:34.969 --> 0:37:38.770 in the in the community as we've used that word here. 0:37:38.930 --> 0:37:44.489 This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, online building relationships.us, 0:37:44.850 --> 0:37:48.170 and our featured resource by Doctor Chapman and Jolene Filo 0:37:48.170 --> 0:37:53.250 is sharing love abundantly in special needs families. We have 0:37:53.250 --> 0:37:57.609 it linked right there at building relationships.us. This is a 0:37:57.610 --> 0:38:01.489 really difficult situation, Gary, but one that seems all too 0:38:01.489 --> 0:38:04.730 common in today's world. Here's our next caller. 0:38:05.770 --> 0:38:10.330 Hi, Gary, I have a question about how to approach 0:38:10.330 --> 0:38:14.089 this situation. My son and daughter in law and our 0:38:14.090 --> 0:38:18.810 15 month old granddaughter live about a mile and a 0:38:18.850 --> 0:38:23.700 half from us. Our son is in farming business with us. 0:38:24.180 --> 0:38:27.739 His wife works from home. I think we have a 0:38:27.739 --> 0:38:32.220 good relationship, although we don't get to see our granddaughter. 0:38:32.660 --> 0:38:36.259 I'm all about relationships. I'm a former teacher and I 0:38:36.260 --> 0:38:38.940 have worked in early childhood, and I just really know 0:38:39.340 --> 0:38:43.899 the importance of grandparents in the child's life. They're number two. 0:38:43.940 --> 0:38:47.420 Child is on on her way. Um, I don't know 0:38:47.420 --> 0:38:50.660 if that will make a difference. We have invited them 0:38:51.180 --> 0:38:55.939 up to eat with us. We've offered to take our 0:38:55.940 --> 0:38:59.860 granddaughter so that they could go out for their anniversary. 0:39:00.340 --> 0:39:05.020 I have sent food, you know, casseroles and such to 0:39:05.060 --> 0:39:10.580 their home. You know, I text her and I get answers. 0:39:10.980 --> 0:39:15.460 You know, and they seem friendly and all. My son 0:39:15.460 --> 0:39:18.620 says I have not offended her, but that she's just 0:39:18.620 --> 0:39:23.790 a private person. I don't know what to do if 0:39:23.790 --> 0:39:28.510 I should approach her. You know, just letting her know 0:39:28.510 --> 0:39:34.390 that I really miss spending time with my granddaughter. I 0:39:34.430 --> 0:39:38.110 lived very close to my grandma. There was an orchard 0:39:38.110 --> 0:39:43.310 between us on a farm. And, you know, I saw 0:39:43.310 --> 0:39:47.190 her every day. She had a huge impact in my life. 0:39:47.510 --> 0:39:53.070 She was a Christian, and I just really miss not 0:39:53.070 --> 0:39:57.310 having time with my granddaughter. I would like to know 0:39:57.310 --> 0:39:59.750 what your response would be and what what you think 0:39:59.750 --> 0:40:02.110 I could do. Thank you. Bye bye. 0:40:03.270 --> 0:40:06.630 Well, I think every person listening who is a grandparent 0:40:06.989 --> 0:40:12.870 can empathize with this grandmother. Because when you have grandchildren, 0:40:13.310 --> 0:40:16.870 especially if they live near you, you want to have 0:40:16.870 --> 0:40:20.270 a relationship with them. You want to spend time with them. 0:40:20.880 --> 0:40:23.879 now in today's world. Of course, many times our grandchildren 0:40:23.880 --> 0:40:28.040 are live several hundred miles away, and even there we 0:40:28.080 --> 0:40:31.120 can do face time with them depending on their age. 0:40:31.480 --> 0:40:35.239 And at least you know it is a substitute if 0:40:35.280 --> 0:40:38.680 you can't see them in person. I think of course. 0:40:39.200 --> 0:40:42.840 And they work. The son works with them on a farm. 0:40:43.120 --> 0:40:46.480 So apparently she has a good contact with her son. 0:40:47.360 --> 0:40:50.160 He is the one, I think, to talk to and 0:40:50.400 --> 0:40:52.960 she has talked to him. It seems like because she's 0:40:53.000 --> 0:40:55.840 expressed something that he came back with the answer. She's 0:40:55.840 --> 0:40:59.719 just a private person. I would say either you or 0:40:59.760 --> 0:41:03.759 your your husband, uh, if he has a good relationship 0:41:03.760 --> 0:41:07.760 with your son, is maybe the husband to talk to 0:41:07.880 --> 0:41:10.560 your son and just say, you know, your mom and 0:41:10.560 --> 0:41:15.640 I would really like to see your, your child. We, 0:41:15.840 --> 0:41:19.480 we love, we love her or love him. And, uh, 0:41:19.480 --> 0:41:22.130 And we'd just like to spend some time with them. Uh, 0:41:23.530 --> 0:41:26.890 can you can you help us work this out? Uh, 0:41:26.890 --> 0:41:30.130 because the, the husband of the of this daughter in 0:41:30.130 --> 0:41:32.410 law is the one that's going to have to really 0:41:32.890 --> 0:41:36.290 do some negotiating with his wife if and I don't 0:41:36.290 --> 0:41:38.649 know why. I mean, if she doesn't want to spend 0:41:38.650 --> 0:41:41.170 time with you. Uh, why she would want to keep 0:41:41.170 --> 0:41:43.210 the kids away from you. And you might ask him, 0:41:43.530 --> 0:41:46.330 why do you think she wants to keep your grandchild 0:41:46.330 --> 0:41:49.250 away from us? Is there something bad about us that 0:41:49.250 --> 0:41:51.890 she doesn't want us to have contact with the with 0:41:51.890 --> 0:41:55.009 the grandchild? And and he probably he's heard his wife 0:41:55.050 --> 0:41:58.370 say something. He has some idea of why his wife 0:41:58.370 --> 0:42:02.010 is not open to you all spending time with the grandchild. 0:42:02.450 --> 0:42:05.690 But I think that's the route to go. Is that 0:42:05.730 --> 0:42:09.489 your husband talks with his son, uh, about it in 0:42:09.489 --> 0:42:12.410 an open, honest way. Not not a belligerent way and 0:42:12.410 --> 0:42:15.969 not a, you know, condemning him, but just trying to, 0:42:16.010 --> 0:42:18.620 trying to figure out what the dynamics are that's going 0:42:18.620 --> 0:42:23.140 on here. And it's worth the effort because for you 0:42:23.140 --> 0:42:26.819 and for the grandchild, grandparents have a positive role in 0:42:26.820 --> 0:42:29.859 the lives of their grandchildren, if indeed the grandparents are 0:42:29.860 --> 0:42:33.020 positive people. So yeah, it's worth the effort. 0:42:33.020 --> 0:42:34.540 Let me throw this in. 0:42:34.860 --> 0:42:37.180 Uh, because we're coming up to the end of the program. 0:42:37.180 --> 0:42:40.300 But what I hear in her is a double wound. 0:42:40.300 --> 0:42:44.260 Not only do we not have access to our grandchild, 0:42:44.260 --> 0:42:47.260 and there's a new one coming along. Um, but here's 0:42:47.260 --> 0:42:51.299 what happened in my own life. And here's what, you know, 0:42:51.340 --> 0:42:54.859 the important thing that happened, formative thing that happened to me. 0:42:54.860 --> 0:42:58.180 And I want that for my grandchild, which is a, 0:42:58.219 --> 0:43:01.979 you know, wonderful thing. But there's a level of expectation there. 0:43:01.980 --> 0:43:05.300 There's a level of, uh, this is how it was. 0:43:05.340 --> 0:43:07.460 And I want it to be this way here. And 0:43:07.460 --> 0:43:10.299 I'm not criticizing her for that. It's just how she 0:43:10.300 --> 0:43:14.500 grew up. So you have to deal with those expectations too, right? 0:43:14.900 --> 0:43:19.200 Yeah. That's true. Chris. And her expectations may be more 0:43:19.600 --> 0:43:24.040 than the parent. Uh, the parents, maybe both of them 0:43:24.080 --> 0:43:27.760 than they feel. But you're right. We're greatly influenced by 0:43:27.760 --> 0:43:30.759 our own childhood, and she wants to have the kind 0:43:30.760 --> 0:43:34.160 of relationship with her granddaughter that she had with her grandmother. 0:43:34.640 --> 0:43:39.760 And nothing wrong with expectations, but sometimes our expectations are unrealistic. 0:43:39.760 --> 0:43:42.399 And I don't know what would be unrealistic about this point, 0:43:42.400 --> 0:43:46.200 but something's going on there. If they're not allowing her 0:43:46.200 --> 0:43:47.880 to see the grandchild. 0:43:48.160 --> 0:43:49.680 Yeah. Well, before we. 0:43:49.719 --> 0:43:52.480 Conclude, let me give you our number one more time. 0:43:52.480 --> 0:43:54.480 If you haven't heard it enough today, if you want 0:43:54.480 --> 0:43:56.720 to ask a question of Doctor Chapman or just tell 0:43:56.719 --> 0:43:59.319 a story from your life, maybe there's been some kind 0:43:59.320 --> 0:44:02.359 of relational victory that you've seen. You can make a 0:44:02.360 --> 0:44:08.200 comment about some call you've heard here today at 866424. Gary, 0:44:08.400 --> 0:44:16.689 leave your question or comment right there 1-866-424-4279. We would 0:44:16.690 --> 0:44:19.009 love to hear from you. And don't forget to check 0:44:19.010 --> 0:44:21.569 out our featured resource, the book by Doctor Chapman and 0:44:21.570 --> 0:44:26.529 Joline Philo. Sharing love abundantly in special needs families. The 0:44:26.530 --> 0:44:31.489 five love languages for parents raising children with disabilities. Again, 0:44:31.489 --> 0:44:34.930 you'll find it at the website building relationships.org. 0:44:35.930 --> 0:44:39.690 And coming up next week, if your adult child has 0:44:39.690 --> 0:44:43.969 cut you out of their life, don't miss our conversation 0:44:43.969 --> 0:44:45.450 with Doctor Kathy Cook. 0:44:45.810 --> 0:44:49.370 This might be the encouragement you need about resolving conflict 0:44:49.370 --> 0:44:52.570 with that adult child. You'll hear that in one week. 0:44:52.850 --> 0:44:55.610 Big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice. 0:44:55.610 --> 0:44:59.210 Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production 0:44:59.210 --> 0:45:02.969 of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, 0:45:03.010 --> 0:45:06.570 a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.