WEBVTT - Dear Gary | June 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.680 In November of 2007, after only a few weeks on 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:10.959 the air, Moody Radio debuted the first Dear Gary broadcast 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:14.920 on building relationships with Gary Chapman. Today you get to 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:19.000 hear the first questions posed to Gary on this best 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:21.920 of presentation of building Relationships. 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:32.479 Hi, this is Gary. Leave a message and I'll get 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:33.240 back to you. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.520 My husband and I are having an issue with his mother. 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:39.560 I would like to know if he could maybe take 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:42.159 the subject of getting your husband to open up. 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:45.760 I had got into a relationship with an adulterous woman 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:47.120 that went on for four years. 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.840 What do you do? Get married even though you don't 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:53.400 feel you're ready. Break up. What do you do? I'm 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:55.640 calling about. My husband and I are on the verge 0:00:55.640 --> 0:00:58.680 of divorce. It's going nowhere. And I don't think either 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:00.470 one of us want a divorce, but we can't live 0:01:00.510 --> 0:01:01.270 the way we were. 0:01:06.190 --> 0:01:09.830 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:01:09.830 --> 0:01:13.229 the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages. Hi, 0:01:13.230 --> 0:01:15.750 I'm Andrea Fabbri, along with Chris Fabbri, and today we're 0:01:15.750 --> 0:01:20.350 pleased to present our very first Dear Gary broadcast. 0:01:20.390 --> 0:01:21.910 When we first came on the air back at the 0:01:21.910 --> 0:01:24.590 beginning of October, we gave a phone number out for 0:01:24.590 --> 0:01:27.630 you to call if you have suggestions for the program. Feedback, 0:01:27.630 --> 0:01:31.429 some encouragement for Gary and we have overloaded that line. 0:01:31.430 --> 0:01:33.310 Today is the day we're going to dump your phone 0:01:33.310 --> 0:01:36.150 calls right here. It's going to be a phone call 0:01:36.150 --> 0:01:39.509 harvest for us today. Questions from that phone line. So 0:01:39.510 --> 0:01:42.190 if you've left something there, today may be your day. 0:01:42.230 --> 0:01:45.030 Gary, you do get a lot of questions at your seminars. 0:01:45.030 --> 0:01:46.910 I know, and you have to think fast. Do you 0:01:46.910 --> 0:01:48.350 enjoy that part of the weekend? 0:01:48.950 --> 0:01:51.950 You know, I do. I enjoy interacting with with couples 0:01:51.950 --> 0:01:54.510 and sometimes just with individuals when they will come up 0:01:54.510 --> 0:01:56.430 and talk to me, their spouses in the back of 0:01:56.430 --> 0:01:59.790 the auditorium somewhere and they want to have a private moment. 0:01:59.790 --> 0:02:02.670 But I really do enjoy talking with people. Uh, I 0:02:02.670 --> 0:02:06.270 enjoy doing the seminar, but I enjoy personal interaction because, 0:02:06.310 --> 0:02:09.350 you know, when people come with personal things that, you know, 0:02:09.350 --> 0:02:11.950 they're hurting and you also know they're open for help, 0:02:12.110 --> 0:02:14.710 and when people are open for help, they're most likely 0:02:14.710 --> 0:02:15.510 to find it. 0:02:15.710 --> 0:02:18.589 You know, there's an interesting phenomenon that happens on that 0:02:18.590 --> 0:02:20.950 phone line, the listener line that we set up. And 0:02:20.950 --> 0:02:23.870 that is many of them have been to a seminar 0:02:23.870 --> 0:02:27.549 and they'll say, I talked to you afterward. That's kind 0:02:27.550 --> 0:02:29.829 of an energizing time for you. But at the same time, 0:02:29.830 --> 0:02:31.230 there's a lot of hurt out there. 0:02:31.389 --> 0:02:33.590 Oh, there is, yeah. You know, I use all the 0:02:33.590 --> 0:02:36.829 break times on my seminars on Saturday, use all the times, 0:02:36.870 --> 0:02:39.589 all the breaks to talk to people. I don't like 0:02:39.590 --> 0:02:41.790 to go back in the room and hide. I want 0:02:41.830 --> 0:02:44.269 to be with the people. Because the more I am 0:02:44.270 --> 0:02:46.829 in touch with people's need, the more effective I'm going 0:02:46.870 --> 0:02:48.910 to be as a communicator when I'm speaking. 0:02:48.910 --> 0:02:51.350 Well and to keep you, I'm sure, in touch with 0:02:51.350 --> 0:02:54.310 what the real issues are, because principles are one thing 0:02:54.310 --> 0:02:57.820 and yet it all plays out differently in individual lives, 0:02:57.820 --> 0:02:58.500 doesn't it? 0:02:58.540 --> 0:03:01.380 Well, it does because everybody's different. You know, every situation 0:03:01.380 --> 0:03:04.419 is somewhat different. Principles are pretty much the same, but 0:03:04.419 --> 0:03:07.620 you have to learn how to apply them in different situations. 0:03:07.740 --> 0:03:10.580 Mhm. Well what we want to do and what the 0:03:10.580 --> 0:03:14.420 mission really is of building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, 0:03:14.419 --> 0:03:16.700 is not just to sit around here and have a 0:03:16.700 --> 0:03:19.299 good time on the weekend, but to listen to you, 0:03:19.300 --> 0:03:22.340 to hear what's on your heart and in the process, 0:03:22.340 --> 0:03:25.580 help a lot of other people. So let's get started. 0:03:25.580 --> 0:03:28.220 Here's the first person up for dear Gary. 0:03:28.700 --> 0:03:30.980 Hi Gary, I'm so glad to hear that you put 0:03:30.980 --> 0:03:33.300 this kind of a program on the radio every week. 0:03:33.300 --> 0:03:37.260 I'm so excited. Um, I have my husband and I 0:03:37.260 --> 0:03:41.540 are having an issue with his mother, and we want 0:03:41.580 --> 0:03:44.380 very much to have a relationship with her. It's just 0:03:44.380 --> 0:03:49.060 very frustrating. Every time we reach out, it seems like, um, 0:03:49.100 --> 0:03:53.300 it's never good enough or never acceptable. And we really 0:03:53.300 --> 0:03:54.330 could use some help. 0:03:55.290 --> 0:03:58.370 Wow. I think she represents a lot of, uh, a 0:03:58.450 --> 0:04:02.610 lot of people who are struggling with in-law relationships. You know, 0:04:02.650 --> 0:04:05.850 the caller wasn't specific in terms of what the what 0:04:05.850 --> 0:04:09.570 the problem is. But many times when people reach out 0:04:09.570 --> 0:04:12.370 to in-laws and try to build good relationships, they find 0:04:12.370 --> 0:04:16.090 that the in-law is not responsive. And, you know, you 0:04:16.089 --> 0:04:18.849 say that we'll come over and chat and they'll say, well, 0:04:18.850 --> 0:04:20.770 this is not a convenient time for you to come. 0:04:21.450 --> 0:04:24.049 And after a while you begin to feel like, wow, 0:04:24.089 --> 0:04:26.610 maybe they don't want to have a relationship with us. 0:04:26.610 --> 0:04:30.650 Maybe they don't like me. You know, so I would 0:04:30.650 --> 0:04:33.610 say this, first of all, the best person to talk 0:04:33.610 --> 0:04:38.170 to the mother in law is her son, not the 0:04:38.170 --> 0:04:40.930 daughter in law. If the son will say to his mother, 0:04:41.370 --> 0:04:43.650 you know, mom, I don't know what's going on here, 0:04:43.850 --> 0:04:47.010 but I know that, uh, Margie and I or whatever 0:04:47.010 --> 0:04:49.930 her name is, Margie and I are really frustrated with 0:04:49.930 --> 0:04:53.690 with what's going on. Can you help me understand what 0:04:53.690 --> 0:04:56.570 the dynamics are? You know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. 0:04:56.570 --> 0:05:00.090 Because we're getting the impression that you don't want us around. 0:05:00.130 --> 0:05:02.210 And I don't think that's true, but that's what we're 0:05:02.210 --> 0:05:04.730 beginning to feel. You know, if you just ask an 0:05:04.730 --> 0:05:08.050 honest question as you perceive it and let that mother 0:05:08.050 --> 0:05:10.930 respond to that son, he'll probably get the truth. And 0:05:10.930 --> 0:05:13.290 once you have the truth, then you can have an 0:05:13.290 --> 0:05:16.330 appropriate response until you know what the mother in law 0:05:16.330 --> 0:05:20.330 is really thinking. Anything you do is not going to help. So, 0:05:20.370 --> 0:05:21.969 you know, we've got to find out what's going on 0:05:21.970 --> 0:05:24.490 in her mind before you can solve the problem. 0:05:24.570 --> 0:05:26.490 Well, let me go to the next step then. Suppose 0:05:26.490 --> 0:05:28.250 she says, well, of course I want you around. It's 0:05:28.250 --> 0:05:30.890 just that you're you're this and you're that, and poor 0:05:30.930 --> 0:05:34.729 me and I. And so it continues on where the 0:05:34.730 --> 0:05:37.490 son which I can see where that's the healthier way 0:05:37.490 --> 0:05:40.650 to go. Even then he feels like I can't win. 0:05:40.650 --> 0:05:42.650 I can't win, mom, I don't know I don't know 0:05:42.650 --> 0:05:44.529 what to do. Then what? 0:05:44.970 --> 0:05:47.570 Well, I think I would be specific. I would ask 0:05:47.570 --> 0:05:50.290 questions of the mother. What could we do that would 0:05:50.290 --> 0:05:52.960 be helpful to you because I want to be a 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:55.760 good son. My wife wants to be a good daughter 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:58.040 in law. What can we do that would be helpful 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:01.480 to you? Be specific rather than general. And if she 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:03.800 gives some ideas, then to the best of your ability, 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:05.600 you try to do those things. You don't let her 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:09.480 manipulate you, but you do take the information. And if 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:11.760 it's something that's reasonable, then the two of you can 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:15.040 begin to do that. Now we have to also acknowledge 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:17.680 that there are some mother in laws and father in 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:22.040 laws that you're never going to satisfy, but they have 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:25.040 a negative attitude. It's not just toward you, they're negative 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:29.640 toward life. And so consequently, what you whatever you do, 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:32.640 it's not going to be right. And you can't change 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:35.280 a person like that. But what I'm talking about is 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:37.720 trying to build a healthy relationship to the best of 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:40.560 your ability, which is what the scriptures teach. You know, 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:43.280 as much as it lies in your side, you try 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:47.080 to build a peaceful relationship with them and asking specific 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:50.229 questions is the route to go. because if you have 0:06:50.230 --> 0:06:52.909 some idea of what you might do that would be helpful, 0:06:53.150 --> 0:06:55.750 then you can share that. But the other side is true. Also, 0:06:56.190 --> 0:06:58.950 you need to share with your mother what you're finding 0:06:58.950 --> 0:07:02.670 difficult about this relationship, because if your mother is not 0:07:02.710 --> 0:07:06.190 willing to make some changes, you know, again, you can't 0:07:06.190 --> 0:07:09.310 make her change. But often they need to change. And 0:07:09.310 --> 0:07:12.230 if they will, the relationship can be better. But the 0:07:12.230 --> 0:07:14.910 mother in law's got to know what you're feeling. So 0:07:14.910 --> 0:07:16.070 it's a two way street. 0:07:16.390 --> 0:07:18.630 And the rule of thumb is that it's the person 0:07:18.630 --> 0:07:21.310 whose mother it is or father it is. That's the 0:07:21.310 --> 0:07:24.990 best person to broach this. Don't put that on the 0:07:24.990 --> 0:07:26.550 the in-law spouse. Right. 0:07:26.910 --> 0:07:29.950 Yeah. Almost always Chris, that's the better route to go. 0:07:30.030 --> 0:07:32.710 Once in a while, parents will have a really bad 0:07:32.710 --> 0:07:35.470 relationship with their own child, their own son or their 0:07:35.470 --> 0:07:38.110 own daughter, and they really love the daughter in law 0:07:38.110 --> 0:07:40.670 or the son in law. So once in a while, 0:07:40.950 --> 0:07:42.750 the son in law, the daughter in law would be 0:07:42.750 --> 0:07:45.230 the one to talk. But by and large, it's better 0:07:45.230 --> 0:07:47.750 to have the son or daughter talking to their own 0:07:47.750 --> 0:07:49.630 mother and father about the problem. 0:07:50.070 --> 0:07:52.350 I think we have time for one more call before 0:07:52.350 --> 0:07:55.230 we take a break. Last week we presented a military theme, 0:07:55.230 --> 0:07:57.950 and here's a caller with a question along those lines. 0:07:58.910 --> 0:08:01.510 Hi, I just wanted to see if there's any way 0:08:01.550 --> 0:08:06.230 that maybe he could do a topic on when a 0:08:06.230 --> 0:08:10.630 spouse loses a spouse, and then the Lord gives them 0:08:10.630 --> 0:08:14.230 the encouragement to move on to another spouse and the 0:08:14.230 --> 0:08:16.870 trials that you go through when this happens. And the 0:08:16.870 --> 0:08:19.670 reason why I ask is my late husband was killed 0:08:19.670 --> 0:08:22.510 in Iraq. The Lord has blessed me with another husband 0:08:22.510 --> 0:08:25.270 who I never thought I'd have, and I'm very happy. 0:08:25.270 --> 0:08:28.790 But he struggles with the fact of my late husband 0:08:29.030 --> 0:08:31.910 and us not being divorced and the Lord taking him away. 0:08:32.429 --> 0:08:35.670 It's just been a very big struggle and I'd like 0:08:35.670 --> 0:08:36.990 to hear some more on this. 0:08:37.750 --> 0:08:40.750 Well, that's a pretty heavy topic. You know, anytime you 0:08:40.750 --> 0:08:44.189 lose a spouse, whether it's in a military action or otherwise, 0:08:44.190 --> 0:08:46.939 it's really a tough time of adjustment. I don't know 0:08:46.940 --> 0:08:51.100 how long time was between her husband being killed and 0:08:51.100 --> 0:08:54.060 the time she remarried, but often a part of the 0:08:54.059 --> 0:08:57.300 struggle is that people get married too quickly. You know, 0:08:57.340 --> 0:09:00.700 we're told by those who research grief that it takes 0:09:00.700 --> 0:09:03.620 about two years for us to get back on a 0:09:03.620 --> 0:09:08.220 normal emotional level, ground after the death of a spouse. 0:09:08.260 --> 0:09:11.980 And sometimes we end up getting remarried within those two 0:09:11.980 --> 0:09:15.260 years when we haven't fully worked through our own grief. 0:09:15.740 --> 0:09:18.820 So we're still struggling emotionally with that, and now we're 0:09:18.820 --> 0:09:21.740 in a new relationship. It can also cause a problem 0:09:21.740 --> 0:09:25.100 for the person we married, because they sense that we 0:09:25.140 --> 0:09:28.540 are still tied in some way to that spouse that's 0:09:28.540 --> 0:09:32.220 now deceased. And in reality, we are, because we haven't 0:09:32.220 --> 0:09:36.420 gotten through the grief process yet. We're still thinking about them, 0:09:36.420 --> 0:09:40.420 remembering them, going through things we did together. And and 0:09:40.420 --> 0:09:44.810 consequently we are to some degree tied to that person. Um, 0:09:44.809 --> 0:09:47.610 but if you're already married, obviously you can't. You can't 0:09:47.610 --> 0:09:50.290 extend the period before you get married. So I think 0:09:50.290 --> 0:09:52.569 we have to start where we are. We have to 0:09:52.610 --> 0:09:55.290 face the problem, lay it on the table. And apparently 0:09:55.290 --> 0:09:58.530 this may be happening for this particular caller that her husband, 0:09:58.530 --> 0:10:02.050 her new husband, is saying to her some things about this, 0:10:02.090 --> 0:10:06.650 it's disturbing him. That's healthy because he's sharing with her, uh, 0:10:06.650 --> 0:10:08.930 what's going on inside of him and what he's feeling 0:10:08.929 --> 0:10:11.410 about her. And she has to be honest with him 0:10:11.890 --> 0:10:14.490 and not try to deny it and say, no, he's dead. 0:10:14.490 --> 0:10:16.929 I'm not, you know. No, but but to say to him, 0:10:16.970 --> 0:10:19.170 you know, to be honest with you, I am struggling. 0:10:19.570 --> 0:10:22.250 I guess I'm still feeling some of the pain, you know, 0:10:22.290 --> 0:10:24.690 of the loss of all of that. I want to 0:10:24.730 --> 0:10:26.890 go on. I mean, I love you, and I want 0:10:26.929 --> 0:10:29.370 our marriage to be what God designed it to be. 0:10:29.809 --> 0:10:32.130 So just, you know, help me, be patient with me 0:10:32.130 --> 0:10:34.610 and let's talk about it. Let's work our way through this. 0:10:34.809 --> 0:10:38.930 Because really, the primary way of working through grief is 0:10:38.929 --> 0:10:41.610 to talk about it. The worst thing she can do 0:10:41.610 --> 0:10:43.770 is to deny it or to try to hide it 0:10:43.770 --> 0:10:46.090 and say, well, no, I'm not having thoughts of my husband, 0:10:46.130 --> 0:10:50.290 my former husband, because she is. And you can't build 0:10:50.290 --> 0:10:53.170 a relationship on deception. So she needs to be honest 0:10:53.170 --> 0:10:55.250 with him. He needs to be honest with her. And 0:10:55.250 --> 0:10:59.090 together they need to process the grief of the death 0:10:59.090 --> 0:11:00.449 of her former husband. 0:11:00.450 --> 0:11:03.569 And in one sense, there's a positive in here that 0:11:03.890 --> 0:11:07.089 she had a good relationship with her husband who was killed, 0:11:07.530 --> 0:11:11.490 and that she's not coming from a a terrible marriage, 0:11:11.490 --> 0:11:13.770 that she's trying to get over all of this hurt. 0:11:13.809 --> 0:11:17.770 There was something good there. And so in one sense, 0:11:18.050 --> 0:11:21.210 that can be comforting to the new spouse coming in 0:11:21.250 --> 0:11:24.050 to say, I want to be as good, if not better, 0:11:24.050 --> 0:11:25.530 a husband than your first. 0:11:26.290 --> 0:11:28.809 There is a positive there, Chris. There's also a downside 0:11:28.809 --> 0:11:31.930 to that. And that is she may compare her new 0:11:31.970 --> 0:11:36.090 husband with her former husband in particular areas of life. 0:11:36.090 --> 0:11:38.410 And in her mind, she's saying, you know, my former 0:11:38.410 --> 0:11:40.839 husband would never have done that. he would have been 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:43.960 more thoughtful than that. And so that's what she must guard, 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:46.320 because no two men are alike. You know, men can 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:48.440 be good men, good husbands, but they're not going to 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:51.040 be alike. And in some areas, her new husband is 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:53.959 going to be stronger than her former husband. And in 0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:56.200 other areas, he's going to be weaker. So she has 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.080 to recognize him as a human and not yield to 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:04.200 those comparison, uh, you know, dialogs in her own mind. Otherwise, 0:12:04.720 --> 0:12:07.720 she will be unfair to her new husband. So having 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:10.319 said that, there's an upside and a downside to her 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:12.720 having had a good marriage in the first marriage. But 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:15.080 I think it's far better that her marriage was good, 0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:18.400 because she has a model of what a good marriage 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:20.960 is all about. When we come out of a poor marriage, 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:23.760 we don't have the model. So it's much easier to 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:25.840 if we've got a good model in front of us. 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:32.240 First of all, thank you that the Savories are back 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:35.800 in the biz. I know that Chris is on MBI, 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.200 and it's nice to have Andrea back because I remember 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.480 both of them from the old midday connections. As a 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:44.960 broadcaster on a secular radio station, it's exciting to have 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:48.800 those two people back on the airwaves. And Doctor Chapman, 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.200 you were in Youngstown several years ago. I came to 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:54.360 see you and what an outstanding night it was. Just 0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:57.040 a words of encouragement. Keep up the good work. Bless 0:12:57.040 --> 0:13:00.839 you guys. Good to have you back. God bless. Bye bye. 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:02.520 Hey. 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:07.000 That's the kind of call we like to hear. Welcome back. Andrea. 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:09.400 Yeah, I'd like to thank my brother for calling in. Jim, 0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:14.000 this is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:16.880 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:22.160 You're hearing calls that came into our listener line at 1866424. Gary, 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:25.200 if you'd like to suggest a topic for a consideration, 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.400 give some feedback about Gary's ministry in your life, or 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:30.160 you just want to try and make us laugh like 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:34.559 that did call that number 1866424 Gary. 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:38.750 Well, we're presenting our first Dear Gary program today. Responses 0:13:38.750 --> 0:13:41.190 to your calls over the past few weeks. And let's 0:13:41.190 --> 0:13:44.230 get back to the phone and hear our next caller. 0:13:45.150 --> 0:13:47.390 Yes, I would like to know if he could maybe 0:13:47.429 --> 0:13:50.190 take the subject of getting your husband to open up. 0:13:50.230 --> 0:13:53.469 My husband is very close. He doesn't share any of 0:13:53.470 --> 0:13:56.110 his feelings with me and he doesn't. We've been married 0:13:56.150 --> 0:13:59.270 29 years and it's just like, I mean, I share everything, 0:13:59.309 --> 0:14:02.590 I'm bubbly and everything, and he's just very withdrawn. And 0:14:02.590 --> 0:14:04.750 I'm just wondering if maybe you could explain how you 0:14:04.790 --> 0:14:05.750 could get him to share. 0:14:06.710 --> 0:14:09.870 How many times have I heard that one? The wife 0:14:09.870 --> 0:14:12.390 is talkative, the husband's quiet. You know, I wish I 0:14:12.390 --> 0:14:14.430 knew what was going on inside of him. 0:14:14.550 --> 0:14:17.630 Well, here's the other thing, Gary. They've been married 29 years. 0:14:17.630 --> 0:14:20.670 29 years. Yeah, I think they could give us some advice. 0:14:21.550 --> 0:14:24.030 Well, it shows it doesn't just go away now, does it? 0:14:24.550 --> 0:14:26.710 No it doesn't. You know, in my seminars, I talk 0:14:26.750 --> 0:14:29.630 about two kinds of people when it comes to talking. 0:14:29.870 --> 0:14:32.630 One is the Dead Sea. That's the person who can 0:14:32.630 --> 0:14:36.020 receive lots of things in life, but they don't have 0:14:36.020 --> 0:14:39.380 any compulsion to share. They have this large reservoir where 0:14:39.380 --> 0:14:41.820 they store all of that. And the other type is 0:14:41.820 --> 0:14:44.780 what I call the babbling brook. Whatever comes in the 0:14:44.780 --> 0:14:47.500 eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate. 0:14:47.700 --> 0:14:51.300 And apparently she's a babbling brook and he's a dead sea. 0:14:51.540 --> 0:14:54.620 And maybe she's an extreme babbling brook, and he's an 0:14:54.620 --> 0:14:57.660 extreme Dead Sea. That's possible. In fact, that sounds like 0:14:57.660 --> 0:15:00.700 the case because she said of herself, I'm bubbly and 0:15:00.700 --> 0:15:04.300 always talking. So what I would say is this. He 0:15:04.300 --> 0:15:08.460 will never talk more until she talks less. A dead 0:15:08.500 --> 0:15:12.620 sea will never come into a river of flowing words. 0:15:12.820 --> 0:15:15.300 If you want a Dead sea to talk more, you 0:15:15.300 --> 0:15:19.820 have to leave little pools of silence. And the best 0:15:19.820 --> 0:15:23.660 place to leave your little pools of silence is right 0:15:23.660 --> 0:15:27.900 after your questions. You see the problem with babbling brooks sometimes, 0:15:27.900 --> 0:15:31.300 especially what I call super babbling brooks. They will ask 0:15:31.300 --> 0:15:33.820 you a question, and if you don't give him an 0:15:33.820 --> 0:15:37.660 immediate answer, they'll answer their own question. They'll even tell 0:15:37.660 --> 0:15:39.540 you what you think you know. They'll ask you, what 0:15:39.540 --> 0:15:41.220 do you think about this? And if you don't answer, 0:15:41.260 --> 0:15:42.980 they'll say, well, I know what you think you know. 0:15:43.660 --> 0:15:46.500 And so the Dead Sea is saying inside, you know, 0:15:46.540 --> 0:15:48.340 no need for me to talk. I mean, she can 0:15:48.340 --> 0:15:50.300 ask the questions and give the answers. I don't need 0:15:50.300 --> 0:15:53.780 to say anything. And this is hard, because if a 0:15:53.780 --> 0:15:56.340 person is a super babbling brook, they've been doing that 0:15:56.340 --> 0:15:58.820 all their lifetime. It's natural for them. 0:15:59.020 --> 0:16:02.740 Well, and it comes out with other in social relationships too. 0:16:02.780 --> 0:16:06.060 You can practice there being quieter because you can see 0:16:06.060 --> 0:16:08.780 it in couples. Well, I can see myself in this. 0:16:08.820 --> 0:16:11.300 You just fill the silences all the time, even in 0:16:11.300 --> 0:16:12.260 social settings. 0:16:12.300 --> 0:16:15.220 Yes. That's correct. You know, it'd be interesting to know 0:16:15.460 --> 0:16:19.420 if her husband talks more freely around other people when 0:16:19.420 --> 0:16:22.780 she's not there. I reason I bring that up. My 0:16:22.780 --> 0:16:25.020 wife and I were visiting a widow some time ago, 0:16:25.540 --> 0:16:27.980 and in the course of our conversation, her husband had 0:16:27.980 --> 0:16:29.660 been dead about a month, and we just went by 0:16:29.660 --> 0:16:32.370 to see her and she said, you know, my husband 0:16:32.410 --> 0:16:35.130 was a very quiet man. He just didn't talk much. 0:16:35.130 --> 0:16:37.410 But he was a very good man. And she went 0:16:37.410 --> 0:16:39.890 on to tell about his good qualities. Well, when my 0:16:39.890 --> 0:16:41.690 wife and I got back in the car, I said 0:16:41.690 --> 0:16:44.090 to her, do you think she's talking about the man 0:16:44.090 --> 0:16:47.770 we knew? Because the man we knew talked freely, you know, 0:16:47.810 --> 0:16:49.850 in social settings. When he would be by himself, he 0:16:49.850 --> 0:16:51.650 would just talk. He would joke. He was. I mean, 0:16:51.690 --> 0:16:54.610 he was a, you know, very outgoing guy. And then 0:16:54.610 --> 0:16:57.690 we both smiled because we knew what the problem was. 0:16:57.970 --> 0:17:00.650 At home, he never got a chance to talk. She 0:17:00.650 --> 0:17:03.050 filled up all the spaces. I mean, she was the 0:17:03.050 --> 0:17:05.290 night we visited her, we said very little. She just 0:17:05.290 --> 0:17:08.570 talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. So consequently, 0:17:08.570 --> 0:17:11.730 he had learned that he didn't need to talk at home. 0:17:11.730 --> 0:17:13.930 So he talked when he was around other people. 0:17:14.210 --> 0:17:16.570 So what would you say to the, let's say, the 0:17:16.570 --> 0:17:19.970 husband listening? Who knows? Who knows? That's my wife. She talks. 0:17:19.970 --> 0:17:24.330 She fills all those silences. Is there something he could do, though, 0:17:24.530 --> 0:17:25.530 to help? 0:17:25.530 --> 0:17:29.690 Or if she complains to him, if she says such 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:32.360 things as I wish you'd talk more. I don't ever 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:36.160 know what you're thinking. Then he can take that, that 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:39.520 she has the desire for him to share more of himself. 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.120 So he could then say to her, you know, honey, 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.760 obviously I'm not the talker that you are, but I 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:48.720 would be willing to talk more if you would give 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:52.080 me a chance. So the next time you ask me 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:55.199 a question, just give me a little silence. Give me. 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.480 Give me a moment to think about what I want 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:01.200 to say, and I'll answer your question. But when you 0:18:01.200 --> 0:18:04.680 ask the question and then you give the answer, I'm 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.360 not motivated to think about what I want to say. 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.480 So I'm willing to work with you. I'm willing to 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.800 to to share more than I've been sharing. I know 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.880 I hear what you're saying, and I'd like to share 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:17.720 more with you, but we're going to have to change 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:21.240 the pattern because I can't just give you an immediate answer. 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:23.320 I have to think about what I'm going to say. 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:25.320 So give me a little time and I'll try to 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:28.480 do that. He's being very open and very honest. 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:32.560 And if those opposites which normally attract, you're probably going 0:18:32.600 --> 0:18:34.359 to have one person that is a little more verbal 0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:36.439 than the other. But I even see it in the 0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:38.439 relationship I have with Andrea. I can talk all day 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:40.719 long about the Super Bowl and about, you know, how 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:42.720 the Rockies did in the World Series and all that, 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.200 all this other stuff that really freely. But when you 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:49.120 get down to the depths of my feeling, it takes 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:52.359 a lot of effort to kind of drag that out. 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:55.080 And so maybe what she's asking for is not necessarily 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:59.359 for him to talk more. It's to talk more substantively 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:02.440 about what's deep down inside. 0:19:02.760 --> 0:19:06.240 And most likely that's the case. He probably talks about 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:09.800 the logistics of life with her, but he doesn't share 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:13.080 what his thoughts and feelings are about issues that she 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.240 is interested in. So I think you're exactly right. So, 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:19.440 you know, you do have these dynamics of of our personality, 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:21.399 the Dead Sea and the babbling brook. But there are 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:24.560 other reasons why a husband may not be talking. Or 0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:28.270 sometimes it's a wife who doesn't talk. Sometimes they have 0:19:28.310 --> 0:19:31.230 tried to share their thoughts in the past, and when 0:19:31.230 --> 0:19:36.590 they did, they were condemned. Their spouse came across as saying, well, 0:19:36.590 --> 0:19:38.510 that's stupid. I mean, why would you think that? That 0:19:38.510 --> 0:19:41.470 doesn't make any sense at all. Well, you say that 0:19:41.470 --> 0:19:44.429 a few times, and the next time the spouse is 0:19:44.430 --> 0:19:46.790 not going to say anything because none of us like 0:19:46.790 --> 0:19:49.670 to be put down. You like to be clobbered. So 0:19:49.670 --> 0:19:53.109 you need to also look back and ask yourself, how 0:19:53.109 --> 0:19:57.270 have I responded when my spouse did share an idea? 0:19:57.310 --> 0:19:59.710 Did share one of their thoughts or feelings? How did 0:19:59.710 --> 0:20:03.430 I respond? You may be shutting down the communication that 0:20:03.430 --> 0:20:05.070 you deeply are longing for. 0:20:06.030 --> 0:20:08.670 Well, there were some really great questions on our listener line. 0:20:08.670 --> 0:20:11.510 If you don't hear your call, it's not because it's 0:20:11.550 --> 0:20:14.389 wasn't important. We listen to each one and have struggled 0:20:14.390 --> 0:20:18.429 to present some representative listeners. So up next, a positive 0:20:18.430 --> 0:20:20.830 story about the results of Gary's ministry. 0:20:21.510 --> 0:20:25.340 I'm a Christian counselor, have utilized Utilize the Five Love 0:20:25.380 --> 0:20:28.260 Languages book for a number of years. One of the 0:20:28.260 --> 0:20:32.780 most memorable experiences I had implementing it was when just 0:20:32.780 --> 0:20:37.859 one man came in without his spouse reporting that basically 0:20:37.859 --> 0:20:40.899 she was fed up, had given up. She was just, 0:20:40.900 --> 0:20:44.619 I think, solidifying the plans for getting out. She refused 0:20:44.619 --> 0:20:47.220 to come in to counseling with him. As we talked 0:20:47.220 --> 0:20:50.540 and I introduced the five love languages, I gave him 0:20:50.540 --> 0:20:54.220 an assignment to go home and ask his wife, what 0:20:54.220 --> 0:20:57.100 is one thing I can do that would show you 0:20:57.100 --> 0:21:00.700 I love you? Apparently, she responded in what I took 0:21:00.700 --> 0:21:04.740 to be probably a rather sarcastic tone and was telling him, 0:21:04.780 --> 0:21:07.619 do the dishes every night. Well, I told him to 0:21:07.660 --> 0:21:10.500 do his assignment, come back in a couple of weeks. 0:21:10.660 --> 0:21:13.619 When he did, he was just amazed. He said, I 0:21:13.660 --> 0:21:16.900 don't know what happened. She's not the same woman. He said. 0:21:17.180 --> 0:21:20.900 She's smiling at me. We're having a sexual relationship again. 0:21:21.220 --> 0:21:24.220 She's no longer talking about leaving. He said it's like 0:21:24.220 --> 0:21:26.740 night and day. And he said all I did was 0:21:26.780 --> 0:21:29.780 do the dishes. He couldn't believe that doing one simple 0:21:29.780 --> 0:21:32.980 thing made such a huge difference. I have actually shared 0:21:32.980 --> 0:21:35.740 that example with other couples too, because sometimes I think 0:21:35.740 --> 0:21:40.500 they underestimate the power of using or expressing love to 0:21:40.540 --> 0:21:42.860 their mate in their preferred language. 0:21:43.859 --> 0:21:47.220 I am so encouraged when I hear counselors share stories 0:21:47.220 --> 0:21:50.260 like that, and I hear it a lot. I'm encouraged. 0:21:50.260 --> 0:21:53.140 First of all, that counselors are using the concept in 0:21:53.180 --> 0:21:57.139 trying to help people. And over and over again, counselors 0:21:57.140 --> 0:22:00.380 say to me, you know, it's amazing how quickly a 0:22:00.380 --> 0:22:04.740 marriage can turn around when one individual starts loving the 0:22:04.740 --> 0:22:07.500 other person in the right love language. You know, for 0:22:07.500 --> 0:22:12.660 something so simple, uh, Chris and Andrea, it's amazing the 0:22:12.660 --> 0:22:16.460 emotional difference it makes in a couple. This wife's language 0:22:16.500 --> 0:22:19.699 is obviously was acts of service. And one of the 0:22:19.700 --> 0:22:22.930 things that she really appreciated was him washing the dishes. 0:22:23.210 --> 0:22:26.169 So when he asked the question and then responded to 0:22:26.210 --> 0:22:30.369 her answer, it communicated deeply to her that he really 0:22:30.369 --> 0:22:33.970 does love me. And she responded positively to him. 0:22:34.330 --> 0:22:37.370 Whether it makes sense or not, to him. And that's 0:22:37.369 --> 0:22:39.210 what he got past, obviously. 0:22:39.410 --> 0:22:41.650 Yeah. That's right. You know, I had a man say 0:22:41.650 --> 0:22:43.370 to me some time ago, he said, you know, Gary, 0:22:43.410 --> 0:22:47.090 if someone had told me that my taking out garbage 0:22:47.090 --> 0:22:50.130 every day would make my wife feel loved, I would 0:22:50.170 --> 0:22:52.090 have taken out the garbage, he said. But, you know, 0:22:52.130 --> 0:22:55.010 nobody told me that. So what he was saying was, 0:22:55.050 --> 0:22:57.570 you know, if I had known this concept earlier, I 0:22:57.570 --> 0:22:59.650 would have been using it. And I think that's true 0:22:59.650 --> 0:23:02.209 of many couples. In fact, I've had people say to me, 0:23:02.250 --> 0:23:04.530 you know, why didn't I think of this earlier? It's 0:23:04.530 --> 0:23:08.010 so simple. And the reality is, it is simple. Uh, 0:23:08.010 --> 0:23:11.330 not always easy to do because sometimes, you know, we're 0:23:11.330 --> 0:23:13.889 not highly motivated to take out the garbage. But if 0:23:13.890 --> 0:23:17.930 we realize that it makes our spouse feel loved, then 0:23:17.930 --> 0:23:20.800 we have the motivation, the Motivation. The results when what 0:23:20.800 --> 0:23:22.600 we want is for them to feel loved. 0:23:23.000 --> 0:23:25.560 And we're not saying that if you have a troubled marriage, 0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:27.280 all you have to do is one little thing to 0:23:27.320 --> 0:23:30.800 fix it. But this will help you show that love 0:23:30.800 --> 0:23:34.560 that you want so desperately to show to that other person. 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:37.360 Yeah, you get on the right track when you discover 0:23:37.359 --> 0:23:40.040 their love language and it's not doing one thing. It 0:23:40.040 --> 0:23:42.959 may be a number of things. For example, acts of service. 0:23:43.000 --> 0:23:44.760 I mean, there are many acts of service, you know, 0:23:44.840 --> 0:23:48.800 washing dishes and and taking out garbage. Yes, but vacuuming floors, 0:23:48.840 --> 0:23:52.639 you know, uh, changing the baby's diaper, walking the dog, 0:23:52.680 --> 0:23:55.400 mowing the grass, I mean, all kinds of things. And 0:23:55.400 --> 0:23:58.320 any one of those things will likely speak loudly to 0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:01.439 your spouse. But I say, you know better to ask 0:24:01.440 --> 0:24:04.960 your spouse what would be most meaningful to you. Because 0:24:04.960 --> 0:24:07.200 even if it's an act of service, you may be 0:24:07.200 --> 0:24:10.320 doing one thing and they would prefer you'd be doing 0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:13.080 something else, so you may as well spend your energy 0:24:13.119 --> 0:24:16.240 doing something that's going to be meaningful to your spouse. 0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:20.080 You're listening to a best of building relationships with Doctor 0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:24.680 Gary Chapman from almost 18 years ago. This was our 0:24:24.680 --> 0:24:29.959 very first Dear Gary broadcast from November of 2007. Yes, 0:24:29.960 --> 0:24:33.800 our voices might sound a little younger, but Gary's wisdom 0:24:33.800 --> 0:24:37.399 is the constant here, and so is our featured resource, 0:24:37.400 --> 0:24:41.120 the Five Love Languages. You can find out more at 0:24:41.119 --> 0:24:46.800 five Love Languages. Again, go to five Love languages.com. 0:24:47.119 --> 0:24:50.120 Let's deal with singles issues in this segment, Gary. And 0:24:50.119 --> 0:24:51.520 here's our first caller. 0:24:53.560 --> 0:24:57.640 I'm 20 years old, a college student, and I actually 0:24:57.640 --> 0:25:01.040 I've just been wondering. My family ties at home are 0:25:01.040 --> 0:25:03.480 not as strong, and I'm just kind of in fear 0:25:03.480 --> 0:25:08.520 of having, um, strong my own strong family and, like, 0:25:08.560 --> 0:25:11.480 ties with my husband in the future. And just, I mean, 0:25:11.480 --> 0:25:13.720 I don't even have a boyfriend yet, but I just, 0:25:13.760 --> 0:25:17.510 I feel like since I don't have strong family ties 0:25:17.510 --> 0:25:20.470 at home, or how my relationships at home aren't what 0:25:20.470 --> 0:25:22.990 I want them to be, I just feel like I 0:25:22.990 --> 0:25:26.550 would likely have trouble making my own way and new 0:25:26.550 --> 0:25:28.070 relationships in the future. 0:25:29.390 --> 0:25:33.030 I am so encouraged that a 20 year old would 0:25:33.030 --> 0:25:34.389 be asking that question. 0:25:34.430 --> 0:25:35.189 Isn't that great? 0:25:35.710 --> 0:25:39.869 Yeah, because it says, you know, they're thinking they're looking 0:25:39.869 --> 0:25:43.030 back at their family. They're realizing there were some flaws 0:25:43.030 --> 0:25:46.030 in the quality of the relationship and the family. They're 0:25:46.030 --> 0:25:48.710 looking ahead and they're thinking about, you know, I don't 0:25:48.710 --> 0:25:50.429 want to have what I came out of. How can 0:25:50.470 --> 0:25:53.910 this be different? And the good news is that when 0:25:53.910 --> 0:25:58.070 a person is that open and that insightful, there's hope 0:25:58.070 --> 0:26:02.070 and there's help. The reality is skills in marriage and 0:26:02.070 --> 0:26:04.869 family life, the things that make marriage and family work 0:26:04.910 --> 0:26:08.070 can be learned. That's why we have so many books 0:26:08.070 --> 0:26:10.750 on marriage and family. That's why we have marriage seminars, 0:26:10.750 --> 0:26:14.229 parenting seminars, all these things. Because we know that if 0:26:14.380 --> 0:26:18.820 people can get the right information and develop the right skills, 0:26:19.180 --> 0:26:22.699 then they can overcome a lot of baggage from the 0:26:22.700 --> 0:26:25.940 past when they try to build their marriage and their family. 0:26:26.020 --> 0:26:28.700 So I would just say to this young lady, you know, 0:26:28.700 --> 0:26:31.780 read some good books, take a course. If you're in college, 0:26:31.780 --> 0:26:33.900 take a course on marriage and family. If there's one 0:26:33.940 --> 0:26:36.940 offered from time to time, you know, go to workshops 0:26:36.940 --> 0:26:39.900 and classes that may be offered at your church. Even 0:26:39.900 --> 0:26:42.460 though you're not married, you can still learn what what 0:26:42.460 --> 0:26:45.500 makes marriage work. The more you can learn, even before 0:26:45.500 --> 0:26:48.780 you get a boyfriend, the better off you're going to be, 0:26:48.820 --> 0:26:52.140 and the more likely you are to not duplicate what 0:26:52.140 --> 0:26:53.100 you came out of. 0:26:53.140 --> 0:26:56.020 And there's no easy road for anybody, even the best 0:26:56.020 --> 0:27:00.220 of family circumstances. You're still going to have a road ahead. 0:27:00.420 --> 0:27:02.300 Yes. You know, you can grow up in a good 0:27:02.300 --> 0:27:06.619 family and get married and wonder. Wait a minute. I 0:27:06.619 --> 0:27:08.380 didn't think this was the way it's supposed to work. 0:27:08.380 --> 0:27:10.220 I remember my own son said to me, he didn't 0:27:10.220 --> 0:27:12.980 get married until he's 34. And he said to me, 0:27:13.020 --> 0:27:15.620 after the first year of marriage, hey, dad, you didn't 0:27:15.660 --> 0:27:17.260 tell me it was going to be this hard the 0:27:17.260 --> 0:27:19.940 first year. You know, he had he had seen our 0:27:19.940 --> 0:27:22.820 marriage and and, you know, he was a good family 0:27:22.820 --> 0:27:24.459 and he grew up and he was happy. And he 0:27:24.460 --> 0:27:25.899 thought he was going to get married and have a 0:27:25.900 --> 0:27:28.859 marriage just like ours. But of course, he knew, because 0:27:28.859 --> 0:27:30.980 we had told him that the first several years for 0:27:30.980 --> 0:27:33.900 us were rough as well. Uh, but you can, you know, 0:27:33.900 --> 0:27:37.260 you're going to find some difficulty in a marriage relationship, 0:27:37.260 --> 0:27:39.340 even if you came out of a good family. But 0:27:39.340 --> 0:27:42.699 if you have the concepts of of acceptance of the 0:27:42.700 --> 0:27:46.100 other person and learning how to negotiate the differences and 0:27:46.140 --> 0:27:49.060 learning how to resolve conflicts by listening to each other 0:27:49.100 --> 0:27:52.220 and and affirming each other, those kind of skills will 0:27:52.220 --> 0:27:54.500 go a long ways in helping you have a good marriage, 0:27:54.500 --> 0:27:55.740 whatever the background. 0:27:56.180 --> 0:27:58.300 Well, let's go from a 20 year old to a 0:27:58.340 --> 0:28:00.420 little bit different age range. 0:28:02.380 --> 0:28:07.220 Oh, hi. I just have a subject to discuss. It's, um, 0:28:07.340 --> 0:28:11.850 older singles, um, that are a couple or in a 0:28:11.850 --> 0:28:18.449 relationship for several months, but because of prior relationships, prior marriages, 0:28:18.450 --> 0:28:25.090 they're hesitant about marriage but still have a chemistry going 0:28:25.090 --> 0:28:30.770 on and know that physical relationship is wrong. So what 0:28:30.770 --> 0:28:33.649 do you do? Get married even though you don't feel 0:28:33.650 --> 0:28:36.530 you're ready? Break up. What do you do? 0:28:37.810 --> 0:28:41.970 Good question. And there's thousands of older singles who are 0:28:41.970 --> 0:28:46.970 in that situation. You know, we have attraction, natural attraction, 0:28:47.010 --> 0:28:51.610 men for women. And even if we're Christians and we 0:28:51.610 --> 0:28:53.970 had a bad marriage, or maybe a spouse is dead 0:28:53.970 --> 0:28:56.930 and we're single again, and so we start dating. But 0:28:56.930 --> 0:29:00.250 because of all the background and all the baggage, we're 0:29:00.250 --> 0:29:03.490 not ready to jump into another marriage. And yet we 0:29:03.490 --> 0:29:06.650 have these desires physically for each other. So what are 0:29:06.650 --> 0:29:09.090 we going to do about that? And what I would 0:29:09.200 --> 0:29:14.320 say is, certainly you don't get married just because you're 0:29:14.320 --> 0:29:17.719 struggling with your your physical desires. That's not a foundation 0:29:17.720 --> 0:29:21.160 for getting married. Secondly, I don't think you break up. 0:29:21.360 --> 0:29:24.640 There's nothing really to be gained by that, because what 0:29:24.640 --> 0:29:28.040 happens is you'll find yourself getting involved in another relationship. 0:29:28.320 --> 0:29:30.640 I think what you have to do is to be 0:29:30.640 --> 0:29:35.240 open and honest about the nature of your relationship. You see, 0:29:35.240 --> 0:29:38.560 if one of you is anticipating marriage to this person 0:29:38.560 --> 0:29:41.240 and the other has already decided, you know, I'm not 0:29:41.240 --> 0:29:43.480 going to get married, at least not for the time being. 0:29:44.200 --> 0:29:46.560 And you don't know that? Then you can find a 0:29:46.600 --> 0:29:48.960 lot of hurt and a lot of frustration. But if 0:29:48.960 --> 0:29:51.640 both of you sit down and say, let's just share 0:29:51.640 --> 0:29:54.480 with each other where we are, what are you thinking? 0:29:54.480 --> 0:29:57.760 What are you feeling? And be open about how you 0:29:57.760 --> 0:30:01.360 feel about the other person, but also what guidelines you 0:30:01.360 --> 0:30:04.960 have where you think this relationship might go. What timeline 0:30:04.960 --> 0:30:07.240 are you thinking about? Or maybe you're not even thinking 0:30:07.360 --> 0:30:11.560 about marriage at all. Anytime. So opening up and sharing 0:30:11.560 --> 0:30:14.480 with each other your honest thoughts and your honest feelings, 0:30:14.480 --> 0:30:19.800 and together deciding whether the relationship should continue or whether 0:30:19.800 --> 0:30:23.640 relationship should simply stop. But the two of you, if 0:30:23.640 --> 0:30:26.360 you're honest, can come. And if you're looking to God 0:30:26.360 --> 0:30:29.240 for direction, you can come to a good conclusion. 0:30:29.280 --> 0:30:32.240 Just one more observation. It seems to me that that 0:30:32.240 --> 0:30:34.520 from that call. And I'm so glad she left that 0:30:34.520 --> 0:30:39.160 message that there is this hormonal, this sexual drive that 0:30:39.160 --> 0:30:42.440 is kind of clouding the issue, much like happens with 0:30:42.440 --> 0:30:45.880 teenagers who believe I'm in love. I'm in love, and 0:30:45.880 --> 0:30:48.840 they really have that physical attraction, but not a whole 0:30:48.840 --> 0:30:52.560 lot else going on for that relationship. Aren't those two 0:30:52.600 --> 0:30:55.680 kind of similar, even though they're such disparate ages? 0:30:55.680 --> 0:30:58.440 I think they are similar because, Chris, you know, when 0:30:58.440 --> 0:31:01.400 you're in a dating relationship and especially if you have 0:31:01.400 --> 0:31:04.960 those those feelings of love, which I call the tingles, 0:31:05.000 --> 0:31:08.630 you know, we get into this real high, euphoric, warm 0:31:08.630 --> 0:31:11.550 feelings for each other and then the sexual, you know, 0:31:11.590 --> 0:31:14.990 feelings enter into that. It can be a very volatile 0:31:14.990 --> 0:31:17.670 situation and we know it is for teenagers. I mean, 0:31:17.670 --> 0:31:21.150 we have lots of teenagers who never intended to get pregnant, 0:31:21.590 --> 0:31:24.550 but they get involved sexually. And before they know what 0:31:24.550 --> 0:31:28.470 happens there, the girl is pregnant. So the same thing 0:31:28.470 --> 0:31:31.670 happens whether you're 45 or whether you're 20 or whether 0:31:31.670 --> 0:31:36.470 you're 55. I've seen single adults, you know, 45, 55, 0:31:36.510 --> 0:31:39.790 who are just as giddy as a 13 year, 14, 0:31:39.790 --> 0:31:42.910 16 year old. And the dangers are just as great 0:31:42.910 --> 0:31:45.910 at that point as they are when we're earlier. So, 0:31:45.950 --> 0:31:48.270 you know, we have to have guidelines that to me, 0:31:48.270 --> 0:31:53.230 this is the key issue, have guidelines on our sexual behavior. 0:31:53.750 --> 0:31:56.630 It's fine to admit that we're sexual not trying to 0:31:56.630 --> 0:31:59.910 deny our sexual desires, but we we have to follow 0:31:59.910 --> 0:32:02.750 biblical patterns, and we have to have guidelines that help 0:32:02.750 --> 0:32:04.820 us be true to our convictions. 0:32:06.180 --> 0:32:08.300 There's one more issue we want to tackle, and here's 0:32:08.300 --> 0:32:09.900 a caller with that subject. 0:32:10.980 --> 0:32:14.980 Hello, my name is Linda. I'm 44 years old, divorced, 0:32:15.260 --> 0:32:17.940 two little kids. I'm dating a man that I met 0:32:18.500 --> 0:32:21.940 through a website and things are going well, although it 0:32:21.940 --> 0:32:25.100 is a long distance relationship. But one thing happens when 0:32:25.100 --> 0:32:28.460 we're together that concerns me. This man has been divorced 0:32:28.460 --> 0:32:32.500 for only one year. What concerns me about that is 0:32:32.500 --> 0:32:37.740 whenever we're having a discussion about something, um, that involves 0:32:37.780 --> 0:32:42.180 our relationship and how we're communicating, he brings up the 0:32:42.180 --> 0:32:45.940 fact that her filter that she used to hear him 0:32:46.300 --> 0:32:50.860 included her perception that he was controlling and manipulative. Um, 0:32:50.860 --> 0:32:54.180 I don't see it that way. He's a very strong personality. 0:32:54.220 --> 0:32:57.300 He has his own ideas about things, and there's no 0:32:57.300 --> 0:32:59.420 gray areas with him. It's all black and white, and 0:32:59.420 --> 0:33:03.300 I understand that. Um, but every time he brings her up, 0:33:03.300 --> 0:33:06.460 which happens probably every time we're together, it's with such 0:33:06.460 --> 0:33:11.100 strong emotion, such anger and hurt. I'm just wondering if 0:33:11.100 --> 0:33:15.100 maybe this is too soon for him. Or am I 0:33:15.220 --> 0:33:18.380 assuming it's too soon? I'm not sure how to interpret 0:33:18.740 --> 0:33:22.020 what I'm getting from him as far as his communication 0:33:22.020 --> 0:33:23.740 with me about his ex-wife. 0:33:24.900 --> 0:33:27.460 I think it is too soon. You know, I said 0:33:27.460 --> 0:33:31.020 earlier in the program that research indicates that it takes 0:33:31.020 --> 0:33:34.860 two years after a divorce for a person to get 0:33:34.860 --> 0:33:39.020 back on level ground emotionally. And the most common mistake 0:33:39.020 --> 0:33:43.500 people make is they get involved with someone else too early. 0:33:43.820 --> 0:33:47.380 They're still going through processing the pain and the hurt 0:33:47.380 --> 0:33:49.700 of that divorce that they went through, or sometimes the 0:33:49.700 --> 0:33:53.219 death of a spouse. And they get involved with someone else. 0:33:53.220 --> 0:33:56.780 It meets needs for them. Yes, it helps alleviate the 0:33:56.780 --> 0:34:00.460 loneliness and the hurt, but it's too soon for them 0:34:00.610 --> 0:34:03.010 to be getting involved in a in a in a 0:34:03.010 --> 0:34:05.810 serious dating relationship. So to me, that would be a 0:34:05.810 --> 0:34:08.330 red flag waving. The other thing I would say in 0:34:08.330 --> 0:34:11.250 this particular case is if you're going to continue to 0:34:11.250 --> 0:34:16.490 see each other, I suggest that you have a personality profile. 0:34:16.969 --> 0:34:19.890 You're the fellow you're dating as well as yourself, and 0:34:19.890 --> 0:34:24.330 let's see what the patterns are in his personality. If 0:34:24.330 --> 0:34:28.169 his first wife saw him as controlling, and I hear 0:34:28.170 --> 0:34:31.170 you saying that he's very certain of himself, it's black 0:34:31.170 --> 0:34:35.330 and white. His first wife may have been right. He 0:34:35.330 --> 0:34:39.770 may be a controller. And you need to face that clearly. 0:34:40.010 --> 0:34:42.049 So I'd say go to a Christian counselor and just say, 0:34:42.090 --> 0:34:44.250 you know, we'd like to have a personality profile to 0:34:44.250 --> 0:34:48.009 help us understand what the points of conflict might be 0:34:48.010 --> 0:34:51.089 in our relationship. Uh, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go 0:34:51.090 --> 0:34:53.490 very far without doing that. I mean, to me, that's 0:34:53.489 --> 0:34:56.649 just simply common sense. And you're being very honest and 0:34:56.650 --> 0:35:00.009 open with each other about your personality patterns, but I 0:35:00.010 --> 0:35:03.130 do think it's too early. And, uh, you know, lots 0:35:03.130 --> 0:35:06.330 of people do meet on the internet these days. But 0:35:06.330 --> 0:35:08.450 to be honest with you, and I mean, if it's 0:35:08.450 --> 0:35:10.450 if there's a filtering, if it's one of the programs 0:35:10.450 --> 0:35:13.770 where they have filtering patterns and, and help you find 0:35:13.770 --> 0:35:17.609 someone that is more similar to you and beliefs and 0:35:17.610 --> 0:35:21.489 those kind of things, that's one thing that can be helpful. Uh, 0:35:21.489 --> 0:35:23.850 but if it's just simply someone you met on the internet, 0:35:24.370 --> 0:35:26.410 a lot of red flags there, you ought to do 0:35:26.410 --> 0:35:29.850 a lot of excavation to make sure that what you 0:35:29.850 --> 0:35:32.370 think is true about this person really is true about 0:35:32.370 --> 0:35:33.009 the person. 0:35:33.890 --> 0:35:37.089 This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman and our 0:35:37.090 --> 0:35:39.730 special Dear Gary Edition. I think this is something we 0:35:39.730 --> 0:35:40.570 ought to do regularly. 0:35:40.810 --> 0:35:43.290 I do too, as long as listeners have questions and 0:35:43.290 --> 0:35:46.850 concerns and feedback they'd like to give, we will schedule 0:35:46.850 --> 0:35:52.250 these types of broadcasts. Our phone number is 1866424. Gary, 0:35:52.290 --> 0:35:55.609 we would love to have your question and include you 0:35:55.610 --> 0:35:59.080 on a future broadcast. one 866 424. 0:35:59.120 --> 0:36:01.480 Gary, let's get back to the calls. Gary, this is 0:36:01.480 --> 0:36:03.880 one of those that is so personal. And yet I 0:36:03.880 --> 0:36:05.960 think it will strike a chord with you and with 0:36:06.000 --> 0:36:07.000 a lot of people. 0:36:08.200 --> 0:36:11.600 I had got into a relationship with an adulterous woman 0:36:11.600 --> 0:36:13.920 that went on for four years. I've been a Christian 0:36:13.960 --> 0:36:19.040 since 1985, and the shame and guilt just got to me. 0:36:19.080 --> 0:36:21.680 And I still love her, still miss her, but I 0:36:21.680 --> 0:36:24.000 know that I had to get away from it. And 0:36:24.000 --> 0:36:26.680 I thought to myself, I really came to this revelation 0:36:26.680 --> 0:36:29.319 that if I really do love this woman, that I 0:36:29.320 --> 0:36:32.400 would let her go and not be selfish anymore and 0:36:32.400 --> 0:36:34.160 try to hold on to her. But I would let 0:36:34.160 --> 0:36:37.200 her go because she has children and a husband and 0:36:37.200 --> 0:36:41.400 a home, and I feel really good about that decision 0:36:41.400 --> 0:36:42.040 that I made. 0:36:43.400 --> 0:36:45.200 Wow. I wish we had more of those kind of 0:36:45.239 --> 0:36:48.359 calls of guys who realize in the middle of the 0:36:48.360 --> 0:36:52.320 stream that they're doing wrong and they're going to hurt themselves. 0:36:52.320 --> 0:36:54.160 They're going to hurt someone else, they're going to hurt 0:36:54.160 --> 0:36:58.390 some children. and in spite of their feelings of love, 0:36:58.390 --> 0:37:00.830 which is what I heard him say, I'm still loving her. 0:37:00.830 --> 0:37:04.069 I still miss her in spite of those feelings. They 0:37:04.070 --> 0:37:08.310 choose to do what is right. It's very difficult because 0:37:08.310 --> 0:37:10.830 you see in the theme in our society is God 0:37:10.830 --> 0:37:14.030 wants me to be happy. And so I'm not happy 0:37:14.030 --> 0:37:16.629 in my marriage, but I'm happy with this woman. And 0:37:16.630 --> 0:37:20.029 so even Christians make very poor decisions and break up 0:37:20.030 --> 0:37:22.790 their own marriage and break up someone else's marriage in 0:37:22.790 --> 0:37:26.790 order to be happy. The reality is, those feelings only 0:37:26.790 --> 0:37:30.109 last for a time and they come down off the high. Now, 0:37:30.150 --> 0:37:32.149 you know, he said they had been carrying on this 0:37:32.150 --> 0:37:36.549 affair for four years. When it's a secretive affair, the 0:37:36.550 --> 0:37:41.310 emotions tend to last longer. The average national level is 0:37:41.310 --> 0:37:44.990 that after two years of the the strong emotional feelings, 0:37:44.989 --> 0:37:47.190 you come down off the high. But if it's a 0:37:47.230 --> 0:37:49.989 secretive affair, those feelings can go on for a longer 0:37:49.989 --> 0:37:52.710 period of time. And in the middle of those feelings, 0:37:52.710 --> 0:37:57.230 when he's still feeling those positive vibes for her. He 0:37:57.230 --> 0:38:00.150 recognizes that what he's doing is wrong and he makes 0:38:00.150 --> 0:38:03.230 the choice to break it off. I wish other men 0:38:03.230 --> 0:38:06.790 and women could hear that and understand the reality of that. 0:38:07.950 --> 0:38:11.110 It's not easy to break off an affair, but it's 0:38:11.110 --> 0:38:13.910 right to break off an affair. And to be very 0:38:13.910 --> 0:38:17.390 honest with you. Chris and Andrea, I've never met anyone 0:38:17.390 --> 0:38:21.590 who regretted doing right, but they are in my office 0:38:21.590 --> 0:38:25.990 and other counselors offices every week. Who did wrong? Five 0:38:25.989 --> 0:38:28.910 years ago, left their spouse, ran off with the person 0:38:28.910 --> 0:38:31.390 they were having an affair with, and now they've come 0:38:31.390 --> 0:38:33.669 down off the high, and now they're trying to get 0:38:33.670 --> 0:38:36.990 counseling in that second or third marriage. Don't misunderstand me. 0:38:36.989 --> 0:38:39.790 I'm glad they're trying to get help, but it would 0:38:39.830 --> 0:38:42.229 have been a whole lot easier if they'd gotten help 0:38:42.230 --> 0:38:46.750 back upstream. I just wish that more Christians could understand 0:38:47.270 --> 0:38:52.620 that happiness is not God's goal for us. God's goal 0:38:52.620 --> 0:38:56.380 for us is that we follow his teachings and that 0:38:56.420 --> 0:38:59.819 in following his teachings, we will always be the better 0:39:00.060 --> 0:39:03.300 and our families will always be better when we follow 0:39:03.300 --> 0:39:05.939 God's teachings and when we violate those teachings, I don't 0:39:05.940 --> 0:39:08.140 care how we feel or how happy we may be 0:39:08.140 --> 0:39:11.420 for a while. We're going to cause problems for ourselves 0:39:11.420 --> 0:39:13.020 and all the people around us. 0:39:13.739 --> 0:39:16.339 Well, our final call is one of those that probably 0:39:16.340 --> 0:39:18.580 represents a lot of hurting people. 0:39:19.380 --> 0:39:21.740 My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. 0:39:21.739 --> 0:39:24.140 I've read your book, The Five Love Languages and so 0:39:24.180 --> 0:39:26.980 has he, but it seems like we still can't get 0:39:26.980 --> 0:39:29.219 it together and we're still fighting. So I wondered if 0:39:29.219 --> 0:39:33.299 you had any ideas. Um, I don't know. We don't 0:39:33.340 --> 0:39:37.140 take responsibility, maybe for what we've done or what's happened 0:39:37.140 --> 0:39:40.020 in our relationship. Do you have any ideas? It just 0:39:40.020 --> 0:39:43.020 seems like it's going nowhere. And I don't think either 0:39:43.020 --> 0:39:44.739 one of us want a divorce, but we can't live 0:39:44.739 --> 0:39:45.620 the way we were. 0:39:46.900 --> 0:39:49.540 If you don't get help from reading a book, then 0:39:49.540 --> 0:39:53.089 go for counseling. That's what counselors are all about. That's 0:39:53.090 --> 0:39:55.529 what pastors are all about. That is those pastors who 0:39:55.530 --> 0:39:59.049 do counseling. Uh, we're here to help people. And you 0:39:59.050 --> 0:40:02.450 don't have any problems that other people haven't had similar problems. 0:40:02.890 --> 0:40:05.690 And so you may as well reach out and ask someone, 0:40:05.730 --> 0:40:08.529 you know, look, here's where we are. We're Christians. We 0:40:08.570 --> 0:40:11.810 don't want a divorce, but we're we're miserable. So help 0:40:11.810 --> 0:40:14.810 us and you can find help. There's no reason that 0:40:14.810 --> 0:40:16.730 you need to go to divorce, and no reason you 0:40:16.730 --> 0:40:19.770 need to continue living with a level of stress that 0:40:19.770 --> 0:40:23.330 you're talking about. There are answers, and Christian counselors and 0:40:23.330 --> 0:40:25.850 pastors can help you discover those answers. So I would 0:40:25.850 --> 0:40:28.810 just really encourage people who are in those kind of 0:40:28.810 --> 0:40:32.330 marriages to reach out for help. I'm amazed at how 0:40:32.330 --> 0:40:34.850 many people come to the point of divorce. I'm talking 0:40:34.850 --> 0:40:37.890 about Christians come to the point of divorce, and they've 0:40:37.890 --> 0:40:40.689 never reached out for counseling. They say, well, I went 0:40:40.690 --> 0:40:42.810 to a marriage seminar once, or I went to a 0:40:42.850 --> 0:40:45.529 weekend retreat, or I read a book and, you know, 0:40:45.570 --> 0:40:48.169 but this is serious stuff. You need the best help 0:40:48.170 --> 0:40:51.210 you can get. And the wonderful news is that all 0:40:51.210 --> 0:40:54.490 over America, there are Christian counselors in every major city 0:40:54.489 --> 0:40:57.089 in the country, and you can find help. So I 0:40:57.090 --> 0:40:59.129 would just encourage you to reach out. Don't give up 0:40:59.130 --> 0:41:02.250 on the marriage, and don't lock yourself into a life 0:41:02.250 --> 0:41:05.930 of misery. Reach out and find help. There's help available. 0:41:06.570 --> 0:41:09.730 Give a word of hope, and maybe you can use 0:41:09.730 --> 0:41:13.010 a specific couple that you've seen. Or just generally speaking, 0:41:13.050 --> 0:41:15.529 I mean, you've seen many couples who didn't think they 0:41:15.530 --> 0:41:16.009 could make it. 0:41:16.050 --> 0:41:18.290 Who have many of the couples that come into my 0:41:18.290 --> 0:41:21.729 office come at the point of giving up? In fact, 0:41:21.730 --> 0:41:25.250 most of them are desperate. That's why they come. And 0:41:25.250 --> 0:41:27.170 what I say to them at the very beginning, I 0:41:27.170 --> 0:41:30.290 understand you don't have any hope, but I have hope 0:41:30.290 --> 0:41:33.569 for you. So believe in my hope, and let's try 0:41:33.570 --> 0:41:36.690 some things. And one by one, we begin to tackle 0:41:36.730 --> 0:41:40.009 the issues that have driven them apart. The issues they've 0:41:40.010 --> 0:41:43.210 never resolved. And as they begin to listen to each other, 0:41:43.210 --> 0:41:45.489 which is a big factor. Most couples don't know how 0:41:45.489 --> 0:41:48.040 to listen to each other. They listen long enough to 0:41:48.040 --> 0:41:50.759 give their opinion and they end up arguing. And you 0:41:50.760 --> 0:41:54.120 don't win anything by arguing. And so teaching them how 0:41:54.120 --> 0:41:57.120 to listen to each other empathetically, to understand what's going 0:41:57.120 --> 0:41:59.920 on inside the other person and then have a proper 0:41:59.920 --> 0:42:02.680 response to it. And when couples begin to get the 0:42:02.680 --> 0:42:08.760 thrill of being heard and being understood and solving conflicts, 0:42:09.000 --> 0:42:11.000 they don't have to take but 3 or 4 steps 0:42:11.000 --> 0:42:13.279 in the right direction, and they begin to feel better 0:42:13.280 --> 0:42:17.319 about themselves. That's why, you know, because of my own experience, 0:42:17.320 --> 0:42:21.440 I'm so positive on encouraging couples to reach out for help. 0:42:22.000 --> 0:42:24.440 And it can get messy. It can get ugly. There 0:42:24.440 --> 0:42:27.600 can be cross words said. And it you know, a 0:42:27.600 --> 0:42:29.919 lot of people really shy away from that. I think, 0:42:29.960 --> 0:42:32.520 you know, marriage ought to be always being happy and 0:42:32.520 --> 0:42:36.239 never raising your voice. But that's not reality. And if 0:42:36.280 --> 0:42:39.160 you get past that and get past all of the 0:42:39.160 --> 0:42:42.359 ugly stuff that it can can bring up, there's hope 0:42:42.360 --> 0:42:43.720 on the other side of that. 0:42:44.000 --> 0:42:45.990 There is. And, you know, one of the reasons Chris 0:42:45.989 --> 0:42:47.710 and Andrew and you know this about me, but one 0:42:47.710 --> 0:42:50.029 of the reasons I have so much hope for people 0:42:50.270 --> 0:42:53.150 is because of my own experience. And Carolyn and I 0:42:53.150 --> 0:42:55.910 went through so many years in those early times in 0:42:55.910 --> 0:42:58.190 our marriage in which we just struggled and we didn't 0:42:58.190 --> 0:43:01.069 seem like we were getting anywhere. And we argued and 0:43:01.070 --> 0:43:03.670 we put each other down and we withdrew from each other. 0:43:03.790 --> 0:43:06.830 So I know, I know those struggles, I know that pain. 0:43:06.989 --> 0:43:09.950 And that's why I identify with people so well who 0:43:09.950 --> 0:43:12.189 are in that situation. But I also know that there 0:43:12.190 --> 0:43:15.270 are answers. And God gave us those answers and brought 0:43:15.270 --> 0:43:18.030 us through that, and he can bring other couples through that. 0:43:18.830 --> 0:43:22.950 I'm grateful that people are being honest about their struggle 0:43:22.989 --> 0:43:26.150 because that's the first step. And then once you're honest, 0:43:26.150 --> 0:43:28.270 then you reach out and try to find help. 0:43:28.830 --> 0:43:31.190 Well, we want to thank all of you who contributed 0:43:31.190 --> 0:43:34.870 to our program today, and that's why we're here to help. 0:43:34.870 --> 0:43:36.710 And if you would like to be a part of 0:43:36.710 --> 0:43:41.790 our program future program, call one 866 424. Gary. That 0:43:41.790 --> 0:43:44.270 is our listener line. If you'd like to go to 0:43:44.310 --> 0:43:47.870 our website and email us. The website is five Love Languages. 0:43:48.430 --> 0:43:50.430 That's five love languages.com. 0:43:50.469 --> 0:43:52.430 What do you think, Gary? Do you like being dear 0:43:52.469 --> 0:43:53.630 Gary for a week? 0:43:53.750 --> 0:43:55.989 I'm ready to start my column. Chris. Yes. 0:43:57.830 --> 0:43:59.590 All right. We'll see you back here next week. 0:44:01.870 --> 0:44:05.190 And there you have it. From November of 2007, our 0:44:05.190 --> 0:44:08.830 first Dear Gary broadcast. Hope you enjoyed that. Today and 0:44:08.830 --> 0:44:12.310 next week it's a summer best of conversation with Doctor 0:44:12.310 --> 0:44:16.230 Patrick Morley. Don't miss his hope filled message for men. 0:44:16.590 --> 0:44:19.469 Big thank you to our producer, Janice backing and our 0:44:19.469 --> 0:44:24.149 engineer and musical aficionado Steve Wick. Building relationships with Doctor 0:44:24.150 --> 0:44:27.390 Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association 0:44:27.390 --> 0:44:31.709 with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks 0:44:31.710 --> 0:44:32.390 for listening.