S1: What does the Bible say about husbands being harsh with
S1: their wives?
S2: I'm having a hard time because he doesn't show emotion.
S2: We get along really well, but we don't fight well.
S3: Could you please help me?
UU: Get ready for some challenging.
S4: Questions about marriage, the single life, and the love languages
S4: coming up today on building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S4: He's the author of the New York Times best seller,
S4: The Five Love Languages. This is our September edition of
S4: Dear Gary, and we'd love to hear your question. For
S4: a future broadcast, call us at 186642431866424.
S5: Gary, maybe one of our callers today will ask a
S5: question about something that you are dealing with in your life.
S5: So thank you for joining us. And we invite you
S5: to the website where you'll find out more ways to
S5: strengthen your relationships, including our featured resource, which is a
S5: book Doctor Chapman wrote titled Married and Still Loving It
S5: The Joys and Challenges of the Second half. Just go
S5: to building relationships.us. Gary. We get a lot of calls
S5: about husbands and wives who say they aren't in love anymore.
S5: You really believe it's possible to maintain a lifelong marriage
S5: that thrives?
S6: Well, Chris, let me just say Carolyn and I have
S6: been married 63 years, so we are living proof that
S6: people who had real problems in the early days of
S6: their marriage found the secrets that brought them through 63 years,
S6: and most of those years have been wonderful years. So yes,
S6: I have hope for people who feel like, you know,
S6: we're too different. We just don't agree on anything. And
S6: we don't know how to solve these things. And because
S6: I remember when I felt that way. So the fact
S6: that I've invested so much of my life in helping
S6: married couples learn how to work through problems and find
S6: the marriage they always wanted to have, which was a loving, supportive,
S6: caring relationship. I have great hope for people. We're human
S6: and humans can make changes, and especially if we reach
S6: out to God because he gives us power to do
S6: things we never thought we could do.
S5: I think part of the struggle is being in a
S5: situation where I have no vision that this can change,
S5: that things can be different. You know, it's always been
S5: this way or it's gotten this way and it's not
S5: going to get any better. And that's part of what
S5: this book does, is to give you a vision for
S5: what it might become if you and your spouse work
S5: at some of those problems.
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. People sometimes ask me because the book
S6: talks about, you know, the second half of marriage thriving
S6: in the second half. They say, well, how do you
S6: know if you're in the second half? I said, if
S6: you're 50, you're the second half, unless you're going to
S6: live to be 120. I mean, I don't care how
S6: long you been married, if you're 50, you're in the
S6: second half. Okay. Yeah, I'm really excited about this book.
S6: You know, Harold, Myra and I wrote this book together.
S6: He was the president of Christianity Today for many years,
S6: and we were both in the second half when we
S6: wrote the book. So we're writing out of our own
S6: experience on how couples can have a marriage that thrives
S6: in the second half. So I just want to encourage
S6: older couples to realize we're not beyond getting better. Okay?
S6: We we can grow. We can make changes. Things can
S6: be better. So let's let's make the second half what
S6: God intended it to be. And that is where we
S6: are both loving and supporting each other and using our
S6: lives to enrich the lives of other people.
S5: From somebody who's been married for 63 years. You can
S5: read that book Married and Still Loving It The Joys
S5: and challenges of the second half. We have it linked
S5: there at building relationships.us. Building relationships.us. All right, let's hear
S5: from our first caller on our September edition of Dear Gary.
S5: And this one is about marriage. Here we go.
S7: Hi, Gary. Uh, my husband and I have a great relationship.
S7: We get along really well, but we don't fight well.
S7: We don't argue well. It escalates into something that neither
S7: of us wants. He says dumb things, and I get angry.
S7: How do we go about this? He says inflammatory things,
S7: and I get too angry at his inflammatory remarks, and
S7: I have trouble getting over it. Help, please!
S6: Well, a lot of listeners can identify with this caller
S6: because a lot of couples have been there. You know,
S6: I think we have to learn how to work our
S6: way through conflicts. It doesn't come naturally. What comes natural
S6: is arguing is what she's describing is what's natural. Because
S6: we all are self-centered and we try to defend ourselves.
S6: You know, if our spouse is disagreeing with us, I
S6: would suggest to a couple that you actually have a
S6: sit down time and listen to each other when you
S6: have a conflict. In fact, one of you can just say, honey,
S6: I think we have a conflict on that. We need
S6: to set a time to sit down and listen to
S6: each other. I'm using the word listen rather than sit
S6: down and talk, because we can talk about our side,
S6: but we're not good listeners. And so what I would
S6: suggest then is that you have this sit down time
S6: and you take turns talking like like you take five minutes, say,
S6: and you share, you know, your perspective on whatever the
S6: topic is. And then he doesn't say a word while
S6: you're you're sharing your five. Now he can ask you questions.
S6: You know, after you finished your five minutes, you can say,
S6: what I hear you saying is. And he can, you know,
S6: kind of describe what he hears you saying. Is that correct?
S6: And you can either say yes or you can say, well, no,
S6: that's not exactly what I was saying. Here's what I
S6: was saying. But he's listening. You're talking. Then he gets
S6: his five minutes to share his side and you're not talking.
S6: You're listening. So the thing is, we interrupt each other,
S6: you know, he says something, and then you jump in
S6: and say something against that. He shoots back. He shoots back.
S6: You just shoot each other and nobody wins when we're
S6: shooting each other. But if we have a structured time
S6: that we're actually going to take five minutes and be
S6: a listener while they're talking, trying to put ourselves in
S6: their shoes and look at the world through their eyes,
S6: not sitting there reloading our guns. You know, they're wrong
S6: on this. They're wrong on that. No, no, no. Put
S6: yourself in their shoes, look through their eyes. Try to
S6: understand them so that. And you can have as many
S6: turns as you like, but eventually you really want to
S6: be able to honestly say, you know, honey, now that
S6: I've listened to you and I see where you're coming from,
S6: I can see how that makes sense. Oh, man, you're
S6: not an enemy now. You still don't agree, but you're
S6: not shooting them. You can see now how what they're
S6: saying makes sense in their head. It does, because it
S6: always makes sense to them. And so when we listen
S6: long enough to be able to affirm that, then we
S6: can say, now how can we solve the problem? And
S6: you spend your energy looking for a solution rather than
S6: trying to win an argument. You know, if you win
S6: the argument, they lost. It's no fun to live with
S6: a loser. So why would you? Why would you create one?
S6: Becoming a better listener and having a set time to
S6: discuss conflicts, I think is is some of the keys
S6: to solving them in a healthy way.
S5: I really like that answer, and that's a hard thing
S5: to then live out. But I have another wrinkle for this.
S5: What if you are married to a retreater? Or if
S5: the person listening today is a retreater? You get into conflict.
S5: You didn't have conflict. You know, conflict was bad when
S5: you're growing up and you tried to keep everything nice.
S5: And so you get into conflict in marriage and you
S5: want to run, you want to hide, you shut down.
S5: You don't say anything. How do you deal with a retreater?
S5: Or if you are the retreater?
S6: Well, I think that is common, Chris, for the very
S6: reasons that you talked about, and I think we have
S6: to recognize retreating might keep you from yelling at each other,
S6: but it doesn't solve the conflict. At some juncture, we
S6: have to recognize my natural tendency is, you know, to
S6: just withdraw and not say anything, just walk out of
S6: the room. But that's not that's not the way to
S6: build a marriage. We have to learn how to talk
S6: our way through our differences and just trying to ignore
S6: them are not getting a fight. It's not the issue.
S6: The issue is trying to solve them. And so it's
S6: fine to acknowledge this is my tendency. This is what
S6: I typically have done in the past, but I want
S6: to learn how to sit here and listen to you
S6: and try to understand where you're coming from, you know.
S6: And so and then if you listen to me and
S6: we're not yelling, we're just talking with each other, just
S6: trying to share our thoughts and our feelings about it.
S6: It's a learned it's a learned experience, but it can
S6: be learned.
S5: If you've listened to Doctor Chapman for any amount of time,
S5: you know, he has these really good questions that he asks.
S5: Here's a caller who wants to know about the outcome
S5: of those three questions.
S8: Hi, Gary. I just wonder how many couples did you
S8: actually help by which they use your formula of asking
S8: those three Questions, which is how can I help you?
S8: What can I do to help you? And what can
S8: I do to become a better husband? Truly help to
S8: get better relationship. Just curious. Thank you and have a
S8: wonderful day. Bye bye.
S6: Well, if the caller is asking for numbers like how
S6: many couples do I know? This has helped. I can't
S6: really answer that that question, but I do know that
S6: many couples have told me once they hear those three questions,
S6: which I came to ask in the days of my
S6: marriage when we were struggling, after I asked God to
S6: change my heart and give me the attitude of Christ,
S6: who said, The Son of Man did not come to
S6: be served, but to serve, and then give his life
S6: a ransom for others? And I asked God to give
S6: me that attitude toward my wife, that I'm here to
S6: serve her. And those three questions, you know, what can
S6: I do to help you? How can I make your
S6: life easier? And how can I be a better husband?
S6: We're questions that once I had that attitude of wanting
S6: to serve her, I'm asking for information on how I
S6: can serve her. And when I started asking those questions,
S6: she freely gave me answers. And I started doing those things.
S6: And it was the beginning of a radical change in
S6: our marriage. And within three months, she started asking me
S6: those three questions. So I think that anyone who has
S6: an attitude, I want to enrich the life of my
S6: wife or my husband, I just want to find out
S6: how I can do that. You have that attitude. You
S6: ask those questions. Your spouse will give you answers. You
S6: respond to those things. It's going to make a difference
S6: because chances are they will come back in a week
S6: or two, or maybe a month or two and start
S6: asking you those questions. And now, if you both have
S6: that attitude, you're on the road to having a great marriage.
S5: Okay, so let me make sure I get the three
S5: questions correct. For those who are driving down the road saying,
S5: tell me those questions again, how can I help you?
S5: How can I make your life easier? And what can
S5: I do to be a better husband or a better wife?
S5: Are those the three?
S6: They're the three. Yes. Got it.
S5: Okay. All right, folks, turn your radio off and go
S5: to your spouse if you're married. No. Keep listening. Keep listening.
S5: Because we have more calls. And we'd love to hear
S5: your question. Maybe you'd like to follow up on that.
S5: I asked those three questions and she never asked me. 866424.
S5: Gary is the number to call. Leave your message. You
S5: might hear an answer on an upcoming building relationships with
S5: Doctor Gary Chapman 1866424. Gary, here's a caller who's been
S5: through a really difficult marriage and needs some encouragement from you. Gary.
S9: Hi, Gary. Um, thank you for taking my call. I
S9: have a question. I was married for 25 years, and
S9: my husband became emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive and eventually
S9: physically abusive. I chose to leave him in 2020. I
S9: made mistakes and poor choices, and I acknowledged those things. But, um,
S9: what does the Bible say about husbands being harsh with
S9: their wives? After I begged for counseling and for him
S9: to get help and for us to get help, but
S9: he just kept telling me to divorce him and that
S9: I didn't love him. So I don't understand, um, any
S9: of that. Thank you. Thank you so much.
S6: Well, you know, when a spouse is continually verbally abusive
S6: and physically abusive, which is what I hear the caller saying,
S6: there is a place that love will say, I love
S6: you too much to just simply sit here and allow
S6: you to do what you're doing. I know it doesn't
S6: please God. It certainly doesn't help me. And I can't
S6: believe you would even feel good about yourself for the
S6: way you've treated me now. She asked me a part
S6: of that question. What is God? How does God? What
S6: does God expect of a husband? Well, the Bible is
S6: very clear. The husband is to love his wife as
S6: Christ loved the church and gave himself for the church,
S6: he died for the church. That's to be the attitude
S6: of the husband. I'm here to enrich your life. I
S6: love you, I want to do whatever I can to
S6: help you become the person you believe God wants you
S6: to become. Abuse that does not fit into that formula,
S6: physical or verbal abuse. And yes, there may be people
S6: who grew up in homes where they were verbally abused,
S6: and many times the person who as an adult is
S6: abusing verbally were themselves abused verbally. But those patterns do
S6: not have to persist in our lives. We recognize them
S6: for what they are and they're detrimental to any relationship.
S6: And we turn to God for help and say, Lord,
S6: you know I lose my temper. I say these hateful
S6: things to my spouse, and I know this is not
S6: pleasing to you, and I'm asking you to help me
S6: break this pattern. God will help you break that pattern.
S6: And one of the things that you can think about
S6: that will begin to turn the tide is you ask yourself,
S6: what are the good things about my spouse? Do they
S6: ever wash the dishes? Do they ever cook a meal?
S6: Do they ever? I mean, chances are there's scores of things.
S6: If you sit down and ask yourself, get you, get
S6: you a your paper and write them down. Just things
S6: that that your spouse is good at. They do they
S6: they do positive things. Write those things down and start
S6: giving them affirmation for some of those positive things they do.
S6: And you begin to break the habit of verbally abusing them.
S6: So yeah, there is a there is a time for
S6: tough love which says, I just, I love you too much.
S6: I like to put it that way because it's an
S6: act of love. I love you too much to sit
S6: here and do nothing. I begged you to go for counseling.
S6: You will not do it. I'm not going to abandon you.
S6: But I am leaving you. And if you ever are
S6: willing to deal with this problem and you get help
S6: with a counselor, I will be willing to meet with you.
S6: And we will see what can happen with our marriage.
S6: So it's an act of love to to take that
S6: kind of response. When a person is verbally or physically
S6: abusive to you.
S5: It takes real courage, fortitude in a sense, a commitment
S5: to that love in order to. Because sometimes it's easier
S5: to just take it and just keep on going and
S5: keep on going and to not stand up and to
S5: and to show that kind of courage. But you've seen
S5: marriages turned around that had been in that kind of situation,
S5: haven't you?
S6: Absolutely, Chris, and things in a marriage like that do
S6: not change until the person that's being abused takes a
S6: stand against what the other person is doing and takes
S6: some kind of step. Now, I have encouraged people to
S6: take that bold step. It's it's very helpful if you're
S6: talking with a counselor or a pastor or somebody who
S6: can kind of walk with you through that. Because, see,
S6: sometimes Christians have trouble taking that kind of loving step
S6: because they feel like, well, I know God hates divorce
S6: and I'm a Christian and I don't want a divorce,
S6: but at the same time, we're called to love our spouse,
S6: and we're not loving them by letting them do those
S6: kind of things continually. Uh, we're just enabling them to
S6: be that kind of person. And what they're doing is
S6: not pleasing to God. But but having somebody to walk
S6: with you, maybe it's a friend that walks with you,
S6: but somebody that can walk with you through the process
S6: of going through a tough love approach.
S5: Well, I want to thank our caller for being vulnerable
S5: here today, and our hope is that some question that
S5: you hear and some answer you hear will hit you
S5: deep in your own heart. We'd love to hear your question.
S5: Maybe a response to what you've just heard. Call 1866424. Gary.
S5: Leave a message for a future broadcast if you'd like. 1866424. Gary,
S5: I really identify with this next caller. It's an in-law
S5: Law struggle. Here's our next question.
S10: Hi, Gary. Um, I have a question in regards to
S10: my mother in law and father in law. The family
S10: recently bought them a home that's closer to family, so
S10: they lived quite a ways away, a couple hours away.
S10: And they're both getting older ones in their 90s, ones
S10: in their 80s. We bought a house for them so
S10: that they could stay in that house, and they'd be
S10: close to all the rest of the family who could
S10: help them. But my father in law is having a
S10: very difficult time. Of course, they've lived in their home
S10: for 40 years, and he's having a difficult time making
S10: the transition, moving into this new home. And of course,
S10: the new home. Everything's being paid for. No one's asking
S10: him to sell his old home, but he's very angry
S10: at all of us for making him do something that
S10: he doesn't really want to do. That's basically what he
S10: tells us. But, you know, in that interim, my mother
S10: in law did break her hip. And so it was
S10: a blessing that they were close to us so that
S10: we could help them. So I'm just wondering how I
S10: can help him make that transition and to give him
S10: some reassurance that this is all going to be okay.
S10: Because he's very angry and lashing out at my mother
S10: in law and the rest of the family. Thank you
S10: for the time.
S6: Well, you have to have empathy for this family. They
S6: have done what they felt was the right thing, the
S6: best thing to do for aging parents. And the aging
S6: parents don't agree with that. Well, I don't know that
S6: there's any magic wand you can wave to change his
S6: opinion at this juncture. I do think what she mentioned
S6: in that the wife had a hip problem, and it
S6: was very, very helpful that they were close enough for
S6: the family to minister to them. That kind of thing
S6: will help him perhaps begin to realize, oh, I didn't
S6: want to do this, but it was the right thing
S6: to do, and it may take some time for that
S6: to happen. But when he realizes had they been back
S6: in their home when this happened, there wouldn't have been
S6: family there to help them. So it's just like when
S6: the family makes the decision to take the car away
S6: from aging parents because they're just too old or can't
S6: see well enough to be driving a car. Most, most
S6: older people are not real happy about that because in
S6: their mind, they can still see. What are you talking about,
S6: I can't see. But if we share with them messages
S6: of people their age who had an accident and killed
S6: somebody else, you know, just give. Give them the newspaper,
S6: let them see those clippings of those kind of things.
S6: Eventually they begin to realize, you know, that was a
S6: wise decision, and especially if you then take them wherever
S6: they need to go. So there there are several Decisions
S6: that children can make. Uh, adult children can make for
S6: the benefit of their parents, but it's not always interpreted
S6: as a positive thing. So I would just say, give
S6: it time. Uh, express understanding. You know, I can see how, uh,
S6: it's so different for you because you were in that
S6: house for 40 years or 60 years or whatever. And
S6: I know this is this is different and this is hard,
S6: but we did it because we love you and we
S6: want to be close to to so we can help
S6: you when things happen, when you need the family and
S6: the day will come. I predict the day will come
S6: when he will recognize, oh, that was a wise decision.
S5: The reason I identify with it so much. Gary, you know,
S5: this is that we went through this thing with my
S5: mom a few years ago when she was in that house.
S5: She'd been living in that house since. Well, as long
S5: as you and Carolyn had been married, then means, um, uh,
S5: and and she just she my dad had died, you know,
S5: ten years earlier, and she her medications, she was getting
S5: it mixed up. She was falling, and she wasn't telling,
S5: you know, all, all that kind of thing. And so
S5: I suggested, we suggested as a family. Mama, there's this place,
S5: you know, and you all don't want to do that.
S5: Just fought us tooth and nail. And then finally, toward
S5: the end of the year, she said, do you think
S5: I could? Do you think I could move in after
S5: New Years? Yeah, mama, we'll get it all. All done.
S5: And it wasn't she wasn't in there 2 or 3
S5: weeks before I called her, and I still remember where
S5: I was sitting when she said the the immortal words.
S5: This is the best decision I've ever made. She was
S5: just over the moon. She. She kept telling me, you know,
S5: the the view out the window and the bird feeder
S5: and all of this kind of thing. And the people
S5: who come see, she was so isolated in that house
S5: for so long she didn't have contact other than us
S5: calling and my brother and sister in law going to
S5: visit her and other family members that would stop in.
S5: She just didn't have any contact. And then she started,
S5: you know, meeting these people who would come in and say, hey,
S5: how are you doing? And here's your. Yeah. So just
S5: being able to I think it goes back to something
S5: you said earlier listening rather than talking. You're not telling
S5: your parent what to do. You're listening to the hurt
S5: and you're identifying it and showing empathy for what they're
S5: going through. And that will sometimes bring down those walls,
S5: you know, where they can really hear the love that
S5: you have for them, don't you think? Oh, I.
S6: Think so, Chris. You know, I think to say like
S6: to this, to this father. You know, dad, I can
S6: understand how hard this must be, you know, because you
S6: lived in that home so long and you have all
S6: the memories and everything there. I can see how this
S6: is hard for you. I really can see that. But
S6: I hope that I hope that you'll come to see
S6: how even though it's hard, it's going to pay off
S6: in the right way. You know that that kind of
S6: approach is, is is the most positive approach.
S5: And a lot of times an older person will get
S5: in mind. It's kind of the horse with the blinders.
S5: You can't see this other thing because it's they're they're
S5: doing this to me and that's all that they can,
S5: can think about, you know, in this situation. And I'm
S5: like you said, you know, I can drive, I can
S5: do this, that. And the other thing and just that
S5: sitting that time, I think it took it with my mother.
S5: It took those conversations, those long conversations on the phone
S5: for her to hear, well, we're not against you. We're
S5: for you. We're worried about you. We love you. We
S5: want to care for you. And she didn't want to
S5: move in with any of us. You know, she she
S5: wanted her independence. And it's like, mama, I get that.
S5: I understand the independence that you want. But I think
S5: in listening to that, she she captured that finally. Yeah.
S6: Yeah. Yeah. I think eventually they will come to recognize
S6: that the decisions we made were really good for them,
S6: even though it was hard for us at the time.
S4: You're listening to the podcast Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S4: He's the author of the New York Times best seller
S4: The Five Love Languages. Go to five Love languages.com, and
S4: you can find more ways to strengthen your relationships. You
S4: can also see today's resource married and still Loving It
S4: the joys and challenges of the second half. Just go
S4: to five Love languages.com.
S5: Gary, you have talked about the importance of finding someone
S5: to marry who shares your same values, your beliefs. This
S5: question is from the perspective of a parent wondering what
S5: to do with her son's choice of marital partner.
S11: Hi, Gary. This is about my adult son who is
S11: 30 years old, and he decided to move away from
S11: the principles and teachings of Christianity, Bible, church, faith and
S11: prayers and wants to marry a Hindu woman who does
S11: not believe in anything. He thinks she can. She and
S11: her parents can follow Hinduism, and he can still follow
S11: Christianity by going to church once in a way, and
S11: can have two different marriages, weddings, and then if they
S11: have kids, the kids will decide if they want to
S11: become a Hindu or a Christian. Could you please help
S11: me And tell me how to guide my adult son. Thanks.
S6: Well, Chris, I think any Christian parent can identify with
S6: the pain that this mother is feeling. Because as Christians,
S6: we know what Jesus said. He said, I am the way,
S6: the truth, and the life. No man comes to the
S6: father except through me. So Christianity is unlike all other
S6: world religions. But when we know God and we walk
S6: with God, and then we see our adult children who
S6: walk away from the faith, who begin to disregard what
S6: we have taught them through the years, and then now
S6: link up with someone of a totally different religious perspective.
S6: It's very painful for us, because we know that the
S6: conflicts that are likely to arise in this kind of relationship.
S6: It seems to me that neither he nor his wife.
S6: I don't know if they've married yet or about to
S6: get married, but neither one of them value the religious
S6: part of their life very much. You know, she said,
S6: he's walked away from the Christian faith. And but at
S6: the same time, he's willing to have a Christian wedding
S6: and then a Hindu wedding. You know, probably to please
S6: his parents, to have a Christian wedding and a Hindu wedding.
S6: But if he were a committed Christian, I don't think
S6: he would make that decision because he would recognize it
S6: would not be a wise thing to do. But his parents,
S6: we cannot control our adult children, and our adult children
S6: many times will make really, really poor decisions. And it
S6: hurts the parent because we want our children to have
S6: the best possible life. And we know that a life
S6: walking with Jesus and following Jesus is going to be
S6: the best thing that could happen to them here in
S6: this life and in the world to come. So I
S6: understand the pain and the hurt, but I do think
S6: we have to recognize that we cannot control our adult children.
S6: I sometimes point this out God's first two children went wrong.
S6: Adam and Eve. They had a perfect father, God the Father.
S6: And yet they they disobeyed. They listened to Satan's voice.
S6: Can you imagine how the heart of God must have
S6: been hurt when they did that? And it's affected all
S6: of us since then. So I think we certainly need
S6: to pray that God will bring into their lives, individuals
S6: or circumstances. If they're not married, that might somehow keep
S6: them from getting married. It's fine to pray that you
S6: know God will not make them not get married if
S6: they're if they haven't gotten married yet because God doesn't
S6: make us do right. So I think we pray for them.
S6: We certainly talk with them. I'm sure you've had conversations
S6: with him about your feelings about this, but other than that,
S6: we have to back off and recognize they are free
S6: to make wise decisions or to make poor decisions, and
S6: they will live with the consequences. Because when we make
S6: poor decisions, there are always consequences. But as parents, though
S6: we are hurt, we have to allow them the same
S6: choice that God allows them to make their decision. You know,
S6: the prodigal son, when he left home, asked his father
S6: to have his inheritance early, wasted his money. All those
S6: years in riotous living, his father didn't go out to
S6: try to make him come home. His father kept the
S6: farm going. So when he got to the end of
S6: his rope and ended up in the pig pen and decided,
S6: you know, I better go home, that'd be better working
S6: on my dad's farm than being where I am. And
S6: he went home. The father met him with open arms.
S6: Glad you're home, son. Hey, cook some food. My son
S6: has returned. Sometimes we have to go through and endure
S6: the poor decisions of our adult children, hoping and praying
S6: that someday God will bring them back to himself and
S6: back to a relationship with him and a relationship with us.
S5: I like it that you said it's okay to pray
S5: for them, not not to be married. You know that
S5: one or the other will decide this is not worth it,
S5: that that kind of thing. But you have to go
S5: into that. It sounds like what you're saying is you
S5: got to go into that open handed God, this and
S5: it's it's his choice. He's an adult now. You can't
S5: control him. It's his choice and hers as well, and
S5: to be able to be open handed and say, I
S5: want to move through this loving well and with whatever
S5: comes next. In a sense, the in the garden, not
S5: my will, but yours be done. I trust you, Lord. Right?
S6: Yeah. And I think you don't want to cut them
S6: off and say, well, if you're going to do this,
S6: then don't ever come back. This is the end of it.
S6: Don't ever make that decision. You know, God's arms are
S6: always open to us. I don't care what we've done.
S6: He wants us to come home. He wants us to
S6: have a relationship with him. So they may walk away
S6: from us, and they may decide as adult children not
S6: to have a relationship with us. But we dare not
S6: be the one to say, well, if you do that,
S6: then I don't want to ever see you again. You
S6: know you're not my son anymore. No, no, no, that
S6: kind of approach is detrimental.
S5: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. And we'd
S5: love to hear your question or comment. Call our listener
S5: line at 866 424. Gary 1866424. Gary, we have time
S5: for another caller in this segment. This is we heard
S5: from a mom about a son. Here's a mom who
S5: with a heart for her daughter. She's struggling to love
S5: her daughter. Well.
S11: Hi, Gary.
S12: Would like some guidance on, um, how to continue to
S12: be patient, how to continue to educate my daughter so
S12: I could, um, give her the best advice. So this
S12: would help her in her life and her future for herself.
S12: She will be becoming 18. She is a lot of work.
S12: I've been struggling with her as her father has been incarcerated.
S12: He has never been in the picture, meaning he's been
S12: incarcerated since 2009. I know that I didn't have my
S12: real father and that did not affect me, and I
S12: understand that everybody is different. She says that she doesn't
S12: need him. She seems like it doesn't affect it in
S12: a factor either. As a working parent. I've been mother
S12: and father to her. She's very beyond disrespectful that she's
S12: been with. They've been just guiding her. I feel in
S12: a very negative way, as I will still continue to
S12: do my best to guide her and try to be patient,
S12: but I just do not tolerate her being very disrespectful,
S12: even putting her hands on me or throwing things, um,
S12: as she did start to insult me. But it's a
S12: lot of work factor. And uh, if anything, if we
S12: need to send us any information to help her and
S12: to lead her in a better future in life. Thank
S12: you so much for your time and for your understanding.
S12: And even just as I was listening to my voice message.
S12: Thank you to everyone. Okay. Bye bye.
S6: Well, Chris, I think any mother in a situation like
S6: this mother would be heartbroken. She could she could not
S6: control her husband, who's been incarcerated all these years and
S6: has been out of the picture as far as this
S6: young lady is concerned. And a mother can do her best.
S6: And a teenager were going through all those teen years
S6: getting to the age of 18, which they're now on
S6: the brink of being able to either go to college
S6: or get a job, or join the military or, you know,
S6: something else. And apparently this young lady, at least for
S6: some time, has been associating with people that her mother
S6: thinks are detrimental to her emotional health, her spiritual health.
S6: And the young daughter, even though she says the fact
S6: that her father, she doesn't know her father, has not
S6: affected her, it has affected her. It always affects children
S6: that grow up in a home without a father. And
S6: the fact that she is disrespectful to her mother apparently
S6: saying harsh mean things as well as sometimes throwing things.
S6: I don't know if she throws them at her mother
S6: or just throws them in anger somewhere else, or maybe
S6: even pushing her mother physically. A mother's heart has to
S6: be broken when she sees her 18 year old daughter
S6: responding in this way. And I don't know that there's
S6: there's no one magic wand that can be waved, because
S6: we don't know all that's going on in the heart
S6: of that 18 year old. And sometimes we can do
S6: everything we think is right, and our adult children make
S6: decisions that are very detrimental to them. And it is
S6: even it's it's very painful. But sometimes it takes them
S6: making those poor decisions and living with the consequences of
S6: those decisions. That brings them back to realize they've been
S6: making wrong choices. They're they're going the wrong way. There
S6: are many, many examples of individuals who have become strong
S6: Christians and made a tremendous impact for God and good
S6: in the world, who went through a stage in those
S6: teenage and early 20s years when they made very, very
S6: poor decisions. I have a personal friend now who he
S6: was in jail, 20 different jails he was in over
S6: those years. Now he's a strong Christian. He's got his
S6: undergrad and master's degree now in theology and is working
S6: on his PhD in theology, because when people go through
S6: those kind of things, just like the prodigal son, and
S6: get to the end of the road and are living with,
S6: you know, their poor decisions. God can Revolutionize that. So
S6: even though we can't make our 18 year old do
S6: what we think is the right thing to do, we
S6: can pray for them. We can be loving to them.
S6: We can let them know that whatever they do, whatever
S6: they say, we love them and we're not going to
S6: turn our back on them. We do everything we can
S6: for them and we pray for them. We can talk
S6: to them, but we ultimately have to let them make
S6: the decisions that they're going to make. So I wish
S6: I could say more, but essentially those are probably the
S6: most positive things we can do. Pray for them, express
S6: love to them, let them know we care about their well-being.
S5: You know, as you were talking, Gary, a former guest
S5: of ours, came to mind. Remember Kia Stevens, who was
S5: with us, who wrote the book Overcoming Father Wounds? Yes.
S5: Exchanging your pain for God's perfect love. My thought was,
S5: if this mom, don't get that for your daughter, get
S5: it for you, because it will help you understand some
S5: of the things that may be going on inside of
S5: your daughter, so that you can understand a little bit
S5: more about, you know, the hurt and the struggle that's
S5: going on in her and maybe even in your own life.
S5: So I'll just throw that out as an opportunity to
S5: go a little bit deeper there as you try to
S5: understand her. Overcoming father wounds is written by Kia Stevens,
S5: and if you go to Building Relationships us, you can
S5: actually hear that broadcast. We re-aired it in July. Look
S5: for the archive there at Building relationships.us. They've been married
S5: 13 years, Gary, and she is struggling with her husband's
S5: inability to connect with her emotionally.
S13: Hi Gary, I am both my husband and I have
S13: gone through your five Love Languages book. And we're in
S13: our 13th year of being married. I am having a
S13: hard time because he doesn't show emotions and he's not
S13: tender at any moment. Loving. He's not touchy or feely
S13: or any of my love languages with me. And when
S13: I say something about it or call him out on it,
S13: he has no idea what I'm talking about. And so
S13: I don't know what to do and I would appreciate
S13: your input. We haven't had sex in quite a while.
S13: He does things for me, like getting gas filled for
S13: my car, and he does things, but it's not emotional.
S13: It's not touching Hurting my heart and I don't know
S13: what to do. Will you please help?
S6: Well, you know, Chris, I think anytime that our emotional
S6: need for love is not being met in a marriage,
S6: there's what I call an empty love tank. You know,
S6: there's hurt. There's pain. Because all of us want to
S6: be loved. Want to feel loved by our spouse. If
S6: we're married above everybody else in the world, we'd like
S6: to feel loved by our spouse. And when that doesn't
S6: happen and they're unwilling to speak our love language, there's
S6: an emptiness there. So one suggestion I would make is this.
S6: Inasmuch as apparently I think she said, both of them
S6: have read the five love languages. So he has the concept. Uh,
S6: I don't know if they both took the quiz that's
S6: in the back of the book. And also at Five
S6: Love languages.com. But if they if you didn't take the quiz,
S6: I would encourage both of you to take the quiz. Now,
S6: I know you can't make him take it, but you
S6: can take it, which will give you again a clear
S6: picture of your primary love language and your secondary love language.
S6: If he takes it, it'll identify the same thing for him.
S6: So you might just say to him, you know, honey,
S6: we read that book a while back and I don't
S6: think we ever took that quiz, but I'd like for
S6: us to take it. I'm going to. I'm going to
S6: take it for myself, and if you like. I think
S6: it'd be good if you could take it. It might
S6: help me know how to love you better. Or how
S6: to express my love to you better. So I'd get.
S6: Get that clear. What? What his primary love language is
S6: and his secondary love language. And then I would encourage
S6: you to set yourself a goal and say, you know,
S6: even though he's not communicating to me in a way
S6: that's meaningful, I'm going to choose, with God's help, to
S6: speak his love language for six months. I'm going to
S6: try to speak his love language, whatever his love language
S6: or secondary love language is. I'm going to at least
S6: once a week. I'm going to try to speak that,
S6: speak his love languages and just see what happens. Because,
S6: you know, the scriptures say we love God because God
S6: first loved us. Well, that principle applies in a marriage.
S6: One of us can love the other person even when
S6: they're not loving us, because God loved us while we
S6: were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us.
S6: So with God's help, we can love our spouse even
S6: though we may not have love feelings for them, but
S6: we can have an attitude of love. You know I
S6: want to enrich their life. I want to do what
S6: I can to meet their emotional need for love. So
S6: you speak his love language over an extended period of
S6: time and just see what happens. Because love tends to
S6: stimulate love. And there's a good chance. And I've seen
S6: this happen many times before that six months is over.
S6: He begins to warm up. He sees you, he's feeling
S6: loved by you, and he starts asking you questions. You know,
S6: what could I do? What could I do to show
S6: my love to you? And he said, well, you remember
S6: the love language quiz, that this is something you give him.
S6: One thing that would be helpful. You know, uh, another
S6: approach is that about every three weeks you say to him,
S6: on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love
S6: do you feel coming from me? Ten means, you know,
S6: I really feel loved. Zero means I don't feel loved
S6: at all. Uh, and whatever number he says, if it's
S6: less than ten, you just say, well, what could I
S6: do this week that would be most meaningful to you?
S6: And he gives you he gives you something. Even if
S6: he even if he won't take the quiz, he'll tell
S6: you something you could do. And after you do that
S6: for a few weeks, you know, every other week or so.
S6: Chances are he's he's going to say to you one day, okay, well,
S6: let's turn this around. On a scale of 0 to 10,
S6: how much love do you feel coming from me? And
S6: then you give him a number and he says, okay, well,
S6: what could I do this week that would that would
S6: be meaningful to you? So I think, you know, it
S6: just opens up a conversation to talk about it in
S6: a non-threatening way. You're not saying to him, well, you're
S6: not speaking my love language. I don't feel loved by you.
S6: You know, you're just criticizing him because he's not speaking
S6: your love language. That doesn't go anywhere positive. That just
S6: makes him feel condemned. And he can't please you, and
S6: he just withdraws from you. But if you focus on
S6: him and speaking his love language and checking on how
S6: he is doing in terms of your love. Chances are
S6: he's going to begin to reciprocate somewhere along the line.
S6: Those are my two thoughts.
S5: I love that, she said in the middle of the question.
S5: She kind of turned it around and she said, well,
S5: he does put gas in the car, you know, and
S5: and that made me put my love language, the detective
S5: hat on and say, I wonder if his love language
S5: is acts of service. And she mentioned they don't have
S5: physical intimacy. I wonder if physical touch might be, you know,
S5: we can't know that. But that's those are clues to
S5: what really turns the light on in the eyes of
S5: love and the emotion that comes from what she it's
S5: almost like if he were to say, what can I
S5: do for you? And she could say, would you put
S5: your arm around me? You have no idea what it
S5: feels like when you put your arm around me and, well,
S5: that's easy. I'll do that. You know, you never know
S5: what's going to happen with that, do you?
S6: No. Absolutely, Chris. And that's why talking about it in
S6: a healthy way, rather than a condemning way, often leads
S6: you down a positive road.
S5: Well, before we conclude, let me give you the number
S5: one more time where you can leave a question for
S5: Doctor Chapman. It's 86642 for Gary. Leave a comment. Leave
S5: a question. Tell us your story. 186642 for Gary. We'd
S5: love to hear from you. And don't forget to check
S5: out the featured resource. Married and Still Loving It the
S5: Joys and challenges of the second half. Go to building relationships.us.
S6: And coming up next week. How do you love your
S6: LGBTQ friends and family members without compromising biblical truth?
S4: Hear that practical conversation in one week. Big thank you
S4: to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building
S4: relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody
S4: Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry
S4: of Moody Bible Institute.
UU: Thanks for listening.