WEBVTT - You’re Still a Good Mom | Hallie Dye 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.400 You can have your best day. You can have your 0:00:02.400 --> 0:00:04.640 worst day, but at the end of it, there's this 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:06.760 sort of soul deep question we can lay our heads 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:09.160 down with and say, am I a good mom? And 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:13.000 that feels sometimes scary to ask out loud. And no 0:00:13.000 --> 0:00:16.200 matter who we hear that from, I think somewhere I 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:18.640 recognize I really needed to hear that from the author 0:00:18.640 --> 0:00:19.880 of Goodness himself. 0:00:24.400 --> 0:00:28.200 Welcome to Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:32.280 the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:35.480 on this Mother's Day weekend, Holly and I talks about 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:39.080 all the expectations of motherhood, the pressure to look good 0:00:39.080 --> 0:00:42.080 and be the perfect mom. But what is a good mom? 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:44.240 And why does it seem like the lives of others 0:00:44.240 --> 0:00:46.920 are always shinier and easier than yours? 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.639 Holly is the author of a featured resource today at 0:00:49.640 --> 0:00:54.760 Building Relationships. Here's the title. You are still a good mom. 0:00:55.040 --> 0:00:58.720 Motherhood surrendered to the one who never fails, even when 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:01.880 you feel you have. You can find out more at 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:06.480 Building Relationships. And Gary, it seems like there is an 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:09.560 epidemic of pressure and stress on just about everybody in 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:13.280 the culture. But I think especially on moms. 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:15.880 Well, I think you're right, Chris. And, you know, I'm 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:18.440 thinking also a lot of single moms. I mean, they 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:22.480 really have pressure, but but all moms, because moms love 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:25.040 their children. They want the best for them, you know? 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:29.200 And sometimes mothers put themselves under undue pressure thinking they've 0:01:29.200 --> 0:01:32.520 got to produce a perfect child. I'm excited about our 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:34.760 conversation today, and I think this book is going to 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:36.839 be a great help to mothers. 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:41.080 Well, let's meet Hallie Dye. She's an author, host of 0:01:41.080 --> 0:01:44.520 the Saltworks podcast. She's a wife of 13 years to 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:49.240 her husband, Andrew, mom to three children, lives in Monroe, Louisiana. 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.440 And the featured resource at Building Relationships is that book, 0:01:53.480 --> 0:01:57.480 You're Still a Good Mom. Go to Building relationships. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.040 Well, Hayley, welcome to Building Relationships. 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:03.520 Thank you so much for having me. I am so 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.240 honored to be here with both of you. And I 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:07.480 just really appreciate it. 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:11.160 Well, tell us about your life and family. Who is Hayley? Die. 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:16.720 Hayley, die is a follower of Jesus. She is a 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:21.000 wife to my high school sweetheart. Actually, he's my very 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:24.480 best friend. As cheesy as that might sound. It's true. 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:28.280 I'm a mom of three kids. Boy girl boy. They are, 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:30.800 from start to finish, three and a half years apart. 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:34.000 And so it's been a busy few years. My oldest 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:37.280 is almost ten now, so in a slightly different stage 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.320 of life than when I was writing the book. I 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:44.640 have a podcast. I live in a somewhat small town, 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:47.840 love to travel though, love to read, like to read 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:51.320 a lot of fiction. And that's kind of me in 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:52.080 a nutshell. 0:02:52.720 --> 0:02:57.919 All right, well, sounds like many, many other mothers out there. 0:02:58.360 --> 0:02:59.440 Yes, yes. 0:02:59.800 --> 0:03:02.680 Every book has a story behind it. What's the story of? 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:04.559 You're still a good mom. 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:08.720 You know, I at the beginning of 2020, before the 0:03:08.720 --> 0:03:11.280 world closed down, there was a kind of a shift 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:15.520 where I've always needed to write or be able to 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:18.960 talk or pray out loud to kind of externally process things. 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:21.280 But there was a turning point somewhere in there where 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:23.720 I began to think, like, I would really like to 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:26.480 take writing more seriously. I don't think I ever had 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:31.120 in my mind writing a book necessarily, but just, you know, 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:34.079 I was like, maybe a blog. And, you know, thinking 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:37.760 along those lines. But then shortly after that, the world 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:40.360 did close down. Um, where we live, it was very 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:43.680 much shelter in place, and it was very isolating because 0:03:43.680 --> 0:03:47.720 I had a four year old, a two year old 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:51.960 and a one year old. And so it was a lot, um, 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:55.270 not being able to go places and was already a 0:03:55.270 --> 0:03:57.510 stay at home mom. But when we couldn't go anywhere, 0:03:57.510 --> 0:04:00.750 that role and that time of life just became very 0:04:00.750 --> 0:04:04.070 all consuming. Um, and I can remember I don't even 0:04:04.070 --> 0:04:06.710 remember everything that happened on this one day, but there 0:04:06.710 --> 0:04:09.910 was one particular day that was just really hard. The 0:04:09.910 --> 0:04:13.230 needs just felt really endless. I didn't feel like enough. 0:04:13.430 --> 0:04:16.270 I had this kind of low simmer feeling of failure 0:04:16.270 --> 0:04:20.150 and the background, which honestly, unfortunately, I was pretty used to. Um, 0:04:20.150 --> 0:04:23.830 but it it felt overpowering on that day. And at 0:04:23.830 --> 0:04:26.229 the end of the day, when the kids were asleep, 0:04:26.350 --> 0:04:28.510 I sat down on the edge of my bed and 0:04:28.510 --> 0:04:31.630 began to type something into the notes app on my phone. 0:04:32.390 --> 0:04:34.589 At the end of that, I kind of had the thought, 0:04:34.630 --> 0:04:36.910 you know, this could be a book, which is so 0:04:36.910 --> 0:04:41.110 funny because that was like not a whole thought that 0:04:41.110 --> 0:04:44.830 I had. But it is. It did actually become the 0:04:44.830 --> 0:04:48.870 intro to my book. And and it's been edited many times, 0:04:48.870 --> 0:04:52.710 but the, the feel of it was. It's a letter 0:04:52.710 --> 0:04:57.630 to a mom that feels very unseen and very. Is 0:04:57.630 --> 0:05:01.510 anything that I'm doing amounting to anything? Am I failing? 0:05:01.750 --> 0:05:05.030 Am I a good mom? It really just speaks to 0:05:05.070 --> 0:05:08.229 what I needed to hear. And so that is how 0:05:08.230 --> 0:05:11.589 this book began. Because you can have your best day. 0:05:11.710 --> 0:05:13.630 You can have your worst day, but at the end 0:05:13.630 --> 0:05:16.390 of it, there's this sort of soul deep question we 0:05:16.390 --> 0:05:18.950 can lay our heads down with and say, am I 0:05:18.950 --> 0:05:22.270 a good mom? And that feels sometimes scary to ask 0:05:22.310 --> 0:05:25.510 out loud. And no matter who we hear that from, 0:05:25.790 --> 0:05:28.469 I think somewhere I recognize I really needed to hear 0:05:28.470 --> 0:05:30.510 that from the author of Goodness himself. 0:05:31.150 --> 0:05:33.349 I think a lot of moms can identify with what 0:05:33.350 --> 0:05:37.230 you're saying. What do you hope this book accomplishes for moms? 0:05:37.910 --> 0:05:41.670 I hope that at the end of this book that 0:05:41.670 --> 0:05:46.390 they feel a freedom and a rest in the gospel truth, 0:05:46.630 --> 0:05:49.270 that he is well pleased with them because of the 0:05:49.390 --> 0:05:53.670 righteousness of Christ. Because of that foundation that it is 0:05:53.670 --> 0:05:56.109 no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. 0:05:56.589 --> 0:05:59.670 That we will begin to mother from that place, and 0:05:59.670 --> 0:06:04.870 not striving to mother for earning that position. And I 0:06:04.870 --> 0:06:08.910 think that changes everything. And while this book is not 0:06:08.910 --> 0:06:12.670 a parenting book because it unfortunately can't tell you how 0:06:12.670 --> 0:06:16.470 to handle this situation with this child or this transition. 0:06:17.070 --> 0:06:20.710 I do feel like as I was writing it, and 0:06:20.710 --> 0:06:23.910 as I've learned to live the truths, um, that I 0:06:23.950 --> 0:06:28.190 hopefully woven this book pointing back to him that it 0:06:28.190 --> 0:06:30.630 has changed the way that I parent because there's a 0:06:30.630 --> 0:06:32.590 freedom and a rest and a joy that I'm able 0:06:32.589 --> 0:06:35.710 to have when I am no longer striving just to 0:06:35.750 --> 0:06:37.750 outrun the feelings of failure. 0:06:38.510 --> 0:06:42.190 Yeah, I like the title because it uses the phrase 0:06:42.550 --> 0:06:46.750 good mom. Can you define a good mom for us? 0:06:47.750 --> 0:06:51.510 That is such an excellent and hard question. And and 0:06:51.510 --> 0:06:54.589 that really is what drove the entire book. And I 0:06:54.750 --> 0:06:57.950 it's funny, I don't think I realized necessarily that that 0:06:57.950 --> 0:07:02.070 was the concrete question I was trying to answer. Um, 0:07:02.110 --> 0:07:05.350 I think probably when I started writing it, I was 0:07:05.670 --> 0:07:08.470 wanting to know, am I doing enough? Am I enough, 0:07:08.589 --> 0:07:11.190 am I worthy? And I think that's a lot of 0:07:11.190 --> 0:07:15.869 times the issues. The funny thing is, defining a good 0:07:15.870 --> 0:07:19.550 mom is sort of like teaching someone how to abide. 0:07:19.950 --> 0:07:22.870 If you say, let me teach you, let me give 0:07:22.870 --> 0:07:25.510 you a checklist of how to abide in the Lord. 0:07:25.510 --> 0:07:29.510 Step one this. Step two. This. Step three. This. Maybe 0:07:29.510 --> 0:07:33.830 some of those steps could be achievable. Attainable. But at 0:07:33.830 --> 0:07:35.750 the end of it, even if we could do all 0:07:35.750 --> 0:07:38.630 of those steps that someone gave us, would we really 0:07:38.630 --> 0:07:42.310 have taught them to abide? And the answer is no. 0:07:42.470 --> 0:07:45.110 Because what we've done is we've created a really great 0:07:45.230 --> 0:07:50.350 checklist for self-sufficiency, because nothing in there has gone back 0:07:50.350 --> 0:07:53.550 to him, has gone back to resting in what he says. 0:07:53.710 --> 0:07:57.630 And so the whole idea of defining a good mom. 0:07:57.750 --> 0:08:02.350 What I found is diving into scripture, but really learning 0:08:02.390 --> 0:08:06.510 to turn back to him daily. I love the words 0:08:06.510 --> 0:08:09.310 that John the Baptist says. We bear fruit in keeping 0:08:09.310 --> 0:08:12.990 with repentance. The only way that we can bear fruit 0:08:13.230 --> 0:08:16.670 is we constantly turn back to him, however many times 0:08:16.670 --> 0:08:19.670 every minute, if we need to. That we need. 0:08:20.230 --> 0:08:25.350 Yeah. Well, you know, the subtitle is Motherhood surrendered to 0:08:25.390 --> 0:08:27.710 the one who never fails. 0:08:28.390 --> 0:08:28.750 Mm. 0:08:29.270 --> 0:08:32.949 Why do you think moms today feel many of them 0:08:32.950 --> 0:08:33.989 that they failed. 0:08:34.710 --> 0:08:37.709 I think a lot of that and what the first 0:08:37.710 --> 0:08:41.470 part of the book seeks to do is hits on 0:08:41.470 --> 0:08:44.950 what are those expectations that you're walking into motherhood with. 0:08:45.590 --> 0:08:49.510 Is it that you were always going to cook homemade meals? 0:08:49.510 --> 0:08:51.830 Is it that you were never going to do or say, 0:08:51.830 --> 0:08:54.310 this is it that you are always going to be 0:08:54.309 --> 0:08:57.150 the crafty mom, the fun mom, the strong mom? And 0:08:57.150 --> 0:08:59.910 a lot of those things are things we've picked up 0:08:59.910 --> 0:09:01.990 along the way. Maybe it was social media, maybe it 0:09:01.990 --> 0:09:06.150 was how other people around us mother, or just what 0:09:06.150 --> 0:09:10.070 you expected of yourself. I honestly think a lot of 0:09:10.110 --> 0:09:13.070 that can be the way that we feel. There's a 0:09:13.070 --> 0:09:16.910 lot of messages that we need absolutely, that hit on that. 0:09:16.910 --> 0:09:19.070 Motherhood is not always going to look a certain way, 0:09:19.190 --> 0:09:21.949 but I think sometimes what can be missing from that 0:09:21.950 --> 0:09:24.910 conversation is motherhood is not always going to feel a 0:09:24.910 --> 0:09:29.070 certain way either. And there's a whole chapter actually about compassion, 0:09:29.230 --> 0:09:31.950 because sometimes we have these feelings of failure that we 0:09:31.950 --> 0:09:34.990 didn't just wake up joyful and happy and patient and 0:09:34.990 --> 0:09:38.230 glad to do the work set before us. And the 0:09:38.230 --> 0:09:42.150 beautiful thing is, the compassion of Christ is that he 0:09:42.150 --> 0:09:44.590 meets you there in those places that are hard. He's 0:09:44.590 --> 0:09:48.670 he's not disappointed with us whenever we we need him again, 0:09:48.670 --> 0:09:51.230 whenever we we need to go back and say, I 0:09:51.230 --> 0:09:54.110 need you because I don't have the patience within myself. 0:09:54.350 --> 0:09:57.110 And I think there's a lot of there's a lot 0:09:57.110 --> 0:09:58.990 of that. There's a lot of us not thinking that 0:09:58.990 --> 0:10:02.550 we should be limited or lacking. And so a lot 0:10:02.550 --> 0:10:04.630 of the book is, I would say, on the front end, 0:10:04.670 --> 0:10:08.069 kind of hitting on what are those expectations. And then 0:10:08.110 --> 0:10:12.030 hopefully the second half begins to linger with moms on 0:10:12.030 --> 0:10:15.429 some of these subjects of what can that look like? 0:10:16.870 --> 0:10:20.630 What does it mean to live surrendered? Because that's a 0:10:20.630 --> 0:10:23.469 part of the theme of this book, is surrendering to 0:10:23.510 --> 0:10:24.949 the one who never fails. 0:10:25.670 --> 0:10:31.670 Mhm. Surrender is such a hard word to use in motherhood, 0:10:31.710 --> 0:10:34.670 because so much of what we have to do is 0:10:34.670 --> 0:10:39.709 a task. Whether you are a biological mom, an adoptive mom, 0:10:39.780 --> 0:10:42.900 Whether you have three kids or one, whether you are 0:10:42.900 --> 0:10:45.579 married or you're single, there are a lot of things 0:10:45.580 --> 0:10:47.780 that fall to you, whether it's, you know, I mean, 0:10:47.820 --> 0:10:50.980 my my husband's very hands on, but there's something about 0:10:50.980 --> 0:10:53.579 a mom that carries the weight of a lot of emotional. 0:10:53.620 --> 0:10:56.260 Is all of my kids feeling seen? You know, are 0:10:56.260 --> 0:10:58.980 they do they have what they need at school? Do 0:10:58.980 --> 0:11:01.220 they know how I feel about them? There can be 0:11:01.220 --> 0:11:03.900 this weightiness that we carry as moms, no matter how 0:11:03.900 --> 0:11:06.260 we enter it or how much help we have, that 0:11:06.260 --> 0:11:10.819 just falls to the role of mom. And it can 0:11:10.820 --> 0:11:12.900 be hard to say, well, how does it look like 0:11:12.900 --> 0:11:18.100 to surrender? And so I think the way that the 0:11:18.100 --> 0:11:20.739 book is kind of written is it kind of dives 0:11:20.740 --> 0:11:23.620 through different kind of facets of that. So there's a 0:11:23.620 --> 0:11:25.940 whole chapter about what does it look like to live 0:11:25.940 --> 0:11:28.780 surrendered in rest? What does it look like to live 0:11:28.780 --> 0:11:33.540 surrendered in our dreams as moms? Can we even have hobbies? 0:11:33.540 --> 0:11:36.179 Can moms have rest? Um, what does it look like 0:11:36.179 --> 0:11:38.780 to live under the compassion of Passion of Christ. And 0:11:38.780 --> 0:11:41.620 and I think in all of that, and really where 0:11:41.620 --> 0:11:46.060 the book ends up in chapter 12 is we with 0:11:46.059 --> 0:11:48.620 all things in life. There are many things where you 0:11:48.620 --> 0:11:52.100 can you can study enough and you can practice enough 0:11:52.100 --> 0:11:55.699 to hopefully gain that that result that you are looking for, 0:11:55.740 --> 0:11:59.459 that you were hoping for. But our walk in Christianity 0:11:59.660 --> 0:12:02.100 and in our roles as moms, that's not the case 0:12:02.660 --> 0:12:07.100 because we can only control the input and that input 0:12:07.100 --> 0:12:11.380 is our faithfulness. But that also allows this piece of 0:12:11.380 --> 0:12:15.059 rest that while yes, I cannot control the outcome, I 0:12:15.059 --> 0:12:18.819 can rest in the one who holds it all. It 0:12:18.820 --> 0:12:21.699 doesn't depend on me. And so there's this joy of 0:12:21.700 --> 0:12:24.340 I get to partner with the Lord in this role 0:12:24.340 --> 0:12:26.540 that he's given me, instead of feeling like it all 0:12:26.540 --> 0:12:29.220 depends on me. And so in all of these things, 0:12:29.780 --> 0:12:33.460 surrender looks like, what would you have me do here? 0:12:33.700 --> 0:12:35.860 Would you have me sign up my kid for this 0:12:35.980 --> 0:12:39.660 extracurricular activity. Do you want us to go to public? 0:12:39.660 --> 0:12:42.740 Private homeschool? What? What does it look like? Do you 0:12:42.740 --> 0:12:44.660 want us to live in this neighborhood or that to 0:12:44.700 --> 0:12:46.980 look for him in all of those things? 0:12:47.940 --> 0:12:50.660 Well, you know, this book is a very personal project 0:12:50.660 --> 0:12:54.460 for you. What was the hardest section of this book 0:12:54.460 --> 0:12:55.740 for you to write? Hailey. 0:12:56.500 --> 0:12:58.980 There were many chapters that I wrestled with because it 0:12:58.980 --> 0:13:00.940 was very much one of those things that I was 0:13:00.940 --> 0:13:03.740 having to really learn and come to grips with what 0:13:03.740 --> 0:13:07.300 was true in order to write that down. And honestly, 0:13:07.300 --> 0:13:09.060 I think that's a great practice for all of us 0:13:09.059 --> 0:13:12.100 when we're wrestling with something, is can you write down 0:13:12.100 --> 0:13:14.340 the truth? Because if you can't come to the conclusion 0:13:14.340 --> 0:13:16.220 of what you believe, it's really hard to live from 0:13:16.220 --> 0:13:18.260 that place or live it out. And so it was 0:13:18.260 --> 0:13:21.340 a very refining process altogether and a lot of ways. 0:13:21.340 --> 0:13:23.540 But the I would say the portion I struggled with 0:13:23.540 --> 0:13:26.540 the most that sticks out in my mind is I 0:13:26.540 --> 0:13:29.420 actually added chapters five and six later in the game. 0:13:29.420 --> 0:13:33.100 And chapter five is all about how we have lack 0:13:33.100 --> 0:13:36.460 and limitation, and. And we're supposed to. And it really 0:13:37.220 --> 0:13:41.300 pinpoints how mom guilt always camps on what we lack. 0:13:41.340 --> 0:13:43.660 It always stares at what we don't have, what we're 0:13:43.660 --> 0:13:46.660 not good at. But it really doesn't hit on anything 0:13:46.660 --> 0:13:50.740 we've failed at necessarily. It's just this low simmer feeling 0:13:51.020 --> 0:13:54.220 that I'm not adding up. And so that chapter was 0:13:54.220 --> 0:13:58.020 one in and of itself. Chapter six really went into 0:13:58.460 --> 0:14:00.900 what does this mean for me when I have failed? 0:14:01.179 --> 0:14:04.940 How do I navigate motherhood when I have failed, or 0:14:04.940 --> 0:14:08.860 I have not navigated this relationship with my kids the 0:14:08.860 --> 0:14:11.980 way that I would have wanted to, and I had 0:14:11.980 --> 0:14:16.380 such a hard time not mixing chapter six into chapter five, 0:14:16.660 --> 0:14:19.220 which just told me, for me, and I think probably 0:14:19.220 --> 0:14:22.980 for many moms, if my wrestle was any indication that 0:14:22.980 --> 0:14:27.260 we tend to want to write failure so much into 0:14:27.260 --> 0:14:30.300 the places where we simply cannot have all of the 0:14:30.300 --> 0:14:32.820 attributes of God and we weren't meant to. 0:14:34.380 --> 0:14:38.140 We know that social media has made many fall into 0:14:38.140 --> 0:14:43.020 the comparison trap. Uh, how does a mom overcome that? 0:14:43.020 --> 0:14:46.940 That never ending cycle of comparing herself with others? 0:14:47.540 --> 0:14:49.420 That is so good. And if you all find out, 0:14:49.420 --> 0:14:51.300 let me know. Um, no. 0:14:51.340 --> 0:14:51.980 I'm kidding. 0:14:52.980 --> 0:14:56.980 I, I one thing that I think happens in social 0:14:56.980 --> 0:15:00.460 media is you sit down and you scroll, and most 0:15:00.460 --> 0:15:02.660 of the time you don't even mean for that to happen. 0:15:02.660 --> 0:15:05.020 You really wanted to read a book, and then you 0:15:05.060 --> 0:15:07.860 look up 30 minutes later, that book is sitting next 0:15:07.860 --> 0:15:10.780 to you unopened because you're just scrolling through. And we 0:15:10.780 --> 0:15:12.900 all have those habits and those moments where we just 0:15:12.900 --> 0:15:17.220 kind of check out. But in that 20, 30 minute scroll, 0:15:17.380 --> 0:15:20.979 you have seen a mom who made this homemade meal, 0:15:21.020 --> 0:15:24.180 a mom who had this really clean, pristine house, a 0:15:24.180 --> 0:15:26.700 mom who did this craft with their kids, a mom 0:15:26.700 --> 0:15:29.420 who made it to all these events with her kids 0:15:29.420 --> 0:15:31.260 and didn't have to miss any of them, even though 0:15:31.260 --> 0:15:33.820 she has multiples. I mean, and at the end of 0:15:33.860 --> 0:15:39.580 that scroll, your brain has subconsciously, you know, collected what 0:15:39.580 --> 0:15:42.140 one person should be when the mom who had the 0:15:42.140 --> 0:15:45.020 clean house didn't make the homemade meal, or the mom 0:15:45.020 --> 0:15:48.140 that did the crafts wasn't able to go to this 0:15:48.140 --> 0:15:51.380 soccer game because she had two conflicting things. There's just 0:15:51.380 --> 0:15:54.860 this phenomenon that happens when we look at what's happening 0:15:54.860 --> 0:15:58.340 in the whole world and think, we should be all 0:15:58.340 --> 0:16:00.980 of those things, when in actuality, no one's able to 0:16:00.980 --> 0:16:03.620 do all of that together. And so I think that's 0:16:03.620 --> 0:16:08.420 one thing, you know, comparison is, is strange because we 0:16:08.460 --> 0:16:11.460 we take ourselves and we set ourselves up next to 0:16:11.500 --> 0:16:15.220 someone and in hopes that either we can be better 0:16:15.220 --> 0:16:17.940 or that we can like, okay, well, I'm doing enough. 0:16:18.220 --> 0:16:21.180 But the honest truth is we have to take all 0:16:21.220 --> 0:16:24.060 of those things back to the gospel and say, really? 0:16:24.060 --> 0:16:27.500 When I compare myself to the measure of God, I 0:16:27.540 --> 0:16:32.570 fall very short. The honest truth is I can't compare 0:16:32.570 --> 0:16:36.570 at all. My righteousness is filthy rags. But the beautiful 0:16:36.570 --> 0:16:40.410 truth is that he has clothed me in his righteousness. 0:16:40.690 --> 0:16:43.810 And when I sit in that, and we sit in 0:16:43.850 --> 0:16:47.050 that gratitude of what he has done, there really isn't 0:16:47.050 --> 0:16:50.050 room to feel like, well, why can't I be that? 0:16:50.050 --> 0:16:52.810 Or why can't I do that? Or why? Why can't 0:16:52.810 --> 0:16:55.050 I do better here? Because there's really only room for 0:16:55.090 --> 0:16:57.810 that gratitude and it is hard. It's work to go 0:16:57.810 --> 0:17:00.610 back to that all the time, but it's always true. 0:17:00.610 --> 0:17:02.890 And that gospel truth never runs out. 0:17:03.570 --> 0:17:07.650 In the book you talk about how our limitations are 0:17:07.690 --> 0:17:11.689 by design. We all have limitations. But what do you 0:17:11.690 --> 0:17:14.730 mean by that? That they're by design. And why can 0:17:14.770 --> 0:17:16.290 that be so hard for moms. 0:17:17.050 --> 0:17:21.330 At the beginning of that chapter? Lack and limitation. My 0:17:21.330 --> 0:17:26.690 editor actually felt like that hook was not necessarily the strongest. 0:17:26.690 --> 0:17:30.130 And she was right, because it's not this really personal 0:17:30.130 --> 0:17:33.530 story like some of the others are. But I found 0:17:33.530 --> 0:17:36.770 that if I wrote a personal story, like I said earlier, 0:17:36.770 --> 0:17:39.010 I kept trying to add in things that really felt 0:17:39.010 --> 0:17:41.450 like failure. And where I kind of landed was this 0:17:41.450 --> 0:17:46.010 realization that before I became a mom, I was imperfect, 0:17:46.010 --> 0:17:49.890 which I know is shocking, but I was. It's just 0:17:49.890 --> 0:17:53.770 that after I became a mom, all of a sudden, 0:17:53.770 --> 0:17:56.250 all the things that I liked that I didn't have 0:17:56.290 --> 0:17:58.929 that that I wasn't good at, I couldn't give, I 0:17:58.930 --> 0:18:01.609 couldn't excel at, for my child. And so all of 0:18:01.609 --> 0:18:06.170 a sudden, all the areas that seemed fine for me 0:18:06.170 --> 0:18:09.330 to have needs over here. Now, if I take room 0:18:09.330 --> 0:18:13.570 for my needs, we we bring a baby home. Well, 0:18:13.570 --> 0:18:16.169 now all of a sudden, every time I have a 0:18:16.170 --> 0:18:18.250 need or I need to step away, or I need 0:18:18.250 --> 0:18:21.210 to rest, or I'm not good at this thing that 0:18:21.210 --> 0:18:25.410 all takes away from my child. And there's this sense that, well, 0:18:25.450 --> 0:18:27.810 that shouldn't be. So, you know, a good mom should 0:18:27.850 --> 0:18:30.930 should always be present. But but actually that that is 0:18:30.930 --> 0:18:33.810 the design because we we can't be ever present. We 0:18:33.810 --> 0:18:36.410 can't be all knowing. We can't be all powerful. Those 0:18:36.410 --> 0:18:39.050 were only ever his. And so we kind of take 0:18:39.050 --> 0:18:44.450 a look into Genesis three, because when the fall happens 0:18:44.450 --> 0:18:48.169 and Adam and Eve, who God created the stars, he 0:18:48.170 --> 0:18:51.170 created the animals, he created the plants and the water 0:18:51.170 --> 0:18:53.449 and separated this and all of these things. And it 0:18:53.450 --> 0:18:54.850 was good, and it was good and it was good. 0:18:54.850 --> 0:18:56.649 And then it gets to man and woman, and all 0:18:56.650 --> 0:19:00.010 of a sudden it's very good. And the interesting thing 0:19:00.010 --> 0:19:04.570 is that they didn't have clothes, they lacked clothing and covering, 0:19:04.570 --> 0:19:07.010 but he still deemed them very good. And then you 0:19:07.010 --> 0:19:11.570 get into the fall where they're hiding and they're hiding 0:19:11.609 --> 0:19:15.929 out of shame, and there's a lot there, but they 0:19:15.930 --> 0:19:19.050 have done wrong. But when they hide and God says, 0:19:19.050 --> 0:19:22.050 where are you? Adam says, well, we heard the sound 0:19:22.050 --> 0:19:24.369 of you walking in the garden, which. How crazy is that? 0:19:24.850 --> 0:19:29.330 We hid because we're naked. And God's first response before 0:19:29.330 --> 0:19:33.010 he gets into the consequences or the deception that's unfolded, 0:19:33.650 --> 0:19:35.729 the first thing he says is, who told you that 0:19:35.730 --> 0:19:39.889 you were naked? And I think so often we come 0:19:39.890 --> 0:19:43.450 into contact with those limitations, or we come into realization 0:19:43.450 --> 0:19:46.689 with our lack when we fail and when we fall short. 0:19:46.690 --> 0:19:49.490 And so we tend to want to connect those two things. 0:19:49.770 --> 0:19:52.730 But the truth is, we see in that story that 0:19:52.730 --> 0:19:55.290 we've always had need of a God, even before we 0:19:55.290 --> 0:19:59.690 had need of a Savior. That the issue really was 0:19:59.730 --> 0:20:03.210 not that Eve wanted to be more like God. It 0:20:03.210 --> 0:20:06.530 was that she wanted to be more God like. So 0:20:06.530 --> 0:20:09.050 the antidote to that is for us to continually turn 0:20:09.050 --> 0:20:11.690 back in those places. We don't feel like we have 0:20:11.690 --> 0:20:14.770 what we need and go, God, I'm not enough. But 0:20:14.770 --> 0:20:18.450 you are. You give me the capacity for the things 0:20:18.450 --> 0:20:21.010 that I need. And if I don't have that capacity today. 0:20:21.010 --> 0:20:23.169 You didn't need me to, and that's okay. 0:20:24.010 --> 0:20:27.490 Yeah. I'm reminded of what Jesus said as recorded in 0:20:27.490 --> 0:20:30.369 John 15 verse five when he said, I am the vine, 0:20:30.970 --> 0:20:34.530 you're the branches. You stay connected, you bear fruit. And 0:20:34.530 --> 0:20:37.650 then he said, without me you can do nothing. 0:20:38.369 --> 0:20:39.250 Exactly. 0:20:39.330 --> 0:20:42.649 Uh, and we realize that as moms, our dads, you know, 0:20:42.690 --> 0:20:45.370 we desperately need God's help. And I think that's why 0:20:45.369 --> 0:20:47.770 this book is going to be so helpful to, uh, 0:20:47.890 --> 0:20:51.450 to moms as well. Well, this is Mother's Day weekend. 0:20:51.450 --> 0:20:53.930 And you say in the book that this holiday has 0:20:53.930 --> 0:20:57.170 been a struggle for you. Why is that? 0:20:57.730 --> 0:21:00.169 You know, and I want to say this first, because 0:21:00.170 --> 0:21:03.290 if my husband hears this, he is amazing. And he 0:21:03.290 --> 0:21:07.090 always makes me feel special. So it's not because he 0:21:07.410 --> 0:21:09.929 doesn't bring flowers or thinks about me. He makes me 0:21:09.930 --> 0:21:14.570 feel special, truly, every day. He's a wonderful person. But 0:21:14.570 --> 0:21:19.770 I think on Mother's Day we have this picture because 0:21:19.770 --> 0:21:23.890 we've seen other moms honored and, um, we've seen their 0:21:23.890 --> 0:21:27.410 shout outs and we've heard what people have to say 0:21:27.410 --> 0:21:31.169 about them on days like Mother's Day. And so I 0:21:31.210 --> 0:21:37.530 think what happened was the first few Mother's Days, I 0:21:37.690 --> 0:21:41.770 woke up thinking, okay, here's the day. Not that I 0:21:41.770 --> 0:21:44.290 get to be celebrated. I used to think, okay is 0:21:44.290 --> 0:21:45.930 my issue, that I just want to be celebrated. I 0:21:45.930 --> 0:21:48.450 just want to be worshipped today. But when I began 0:21:48.450 --> 0:21:51.530 to really wrestle with these concepts, I began to realize 0:21:51.530 --> 0:21:55.170 when we go through life thinking we're not enough and 0:21:55.170 --> 0:21:57.730 we're not worthy, and we have to strive and perform 0:21:57.730 --> 0:22:00.850 and do enough in order to gain that. Then on 0:22:00.850 --> 0:22:04.930 Mother's Day, if we don't feel that way, if we 0:22:04.930 --> 0:22:08.210 don't feel that we are told or enough, then it 0:22:08.210 --> 0:22:12.010 feels like major failure, because that is the one day 0:22:12.010 --> 0:22:15.010 that we wake up thinking, I finally get to hear 0:22:15.010 --> 0:22:18.649 if I've passed or failed. but that's not actually true. 0:22:18.650 --> 0:22:20.490 And and I think I had to come to learn 0:22:20.490 --> 0:22:23.609 that even a day that is called Mother's Day, it's 0:22:23.609 --> 0:22:26.570 still a day for his glory. And that becomes way 0:22:26.570 --> 0:22:31.330 easier when I realize his goodness. Um, in the way 0:22:31.330 --> 0:22:32.970 that he loves me and in the way that he 0:22:32.970 --> 0:22:34.370 allows me to be a mom. 0:22:35.130 --> 0:22:37.889 Yeah, it's a tremendous gift when you think about it. Right? 0:22:38.410 --> 0:22:41.770 Being a mom, of course, being a dad, a great 0:22:41.770 --> 0:22:44.530 gift that God has given us. And that's why I 0:22:44.530 --> 0:22:47.410 think all of us are so grateful that we have 0:22:47.410 --> 0:22:50.690 the model, you know, of God our father and Christ 0:22:50.690 --> 0:22:52.650 our Savior, and all of that. So. 0:22:56.970 --> 0:23:01.250 You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:23:01.290 --> 0:23:03.609 He's the author of the New York Times best seller 0:23:03.650 --> 0:23:06.930 The Five Love Languages. Hallie Dye is our guest. And 0:23:06.930 --> 0:23:10.850 if you go to Building Relationships, you'll see our featured resource, 0:23:11.010 --> 0:23:14.490 her book, You're Still a Good Mom. Motherhood surrendered to 0:23:14.530 --> 0:23:18.359 the one who never fails, even when you feel you have. Again, 0:23:18.359 --> 0:23:19.840 go to building relationships. 0:23:23.520 --> 0:23:26.200 I think you said earlier that you do not consider 0:23:26.200 --> 0:23:30.280 this book to be a parenting book. Is that true? Mhm. 0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:35.400 Yes. I think that's because most of the time when 0:23:35.400 --> 0:23:38.480 I think, okay, I need a parenting book because, um, 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.399 you know, I have this really strong willed child or 0:23:41.560 --> 0:23:44.640 now I have teenagers or how do I deal with 0:23:44.640 --> 0:23:48.200 these toddlers. And you know, you look for books that 0:23:48.200 --> 0:23:51.680 have methods and there's not a whole lot of method 0:23:51.680 --> 0:23:56.000 to this book other than relinquishing. And yet that has 0:23:56.000 --> 0:23:58.800 changed the way that I parent so much. 0:23:59.760 --> 0:24:05.320 Hmm. So relinquishing that sense of control and acknowledging that 0:24:05.320 --> 0:24:10.320 God will give me what I need, uh, to be 0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:12.359 the mom he wants me to be. Right. 0:24:12.760 --> 0:24:13.280 Right. 0:24:13.840 --> 0:24:17.120 What was the biggest fear in writing this book? 0:24:17.640 --> 0:24:18.320 Heresy. 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:20.680 I was. 0:24:21.160 --> 0:24:27.240 I think, um, anytime I speak or teach or write anything, 0:24:27.240 --> 0:24:30.760 that has been my greatest fear because, um, you know, 0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:34.520 I can deal with having poor writing or grammatical errors, 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:37.760 but if I feel like I've failed him or failed 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:41.320 to bring glory to him, then that scares me. But 0:24:41.320 --> 0:24:44.520 that's also something I've had to learn to really hand 0:24:44.520 --> 0:24:47.479 to him and trust him. That's another thing I've had 0:24:47.480 --> 0:24:50.640 to learn to surrender. I would say another thing in 0:24:50.640 --> 0:24:53.399 writing this book has been, oh my goodness, what if 0:24:53.600 --> 0:24:57.480 I launch this book and I'm out at target and 0:24:57.480 --> 0:25:00.720 I still don't have all this together? And I've learned 0:25:00.720 --> 0:25:04.840 that will happen because I still don't have all this together. 0:25:04.840 --> 0:25:08.840 But the truth is that I don't have to. And 0:25:08.880 --> 0:25:12.840 he holds again, holds the outcomes. And so it's been 0:25:12.840 --> 0:25:16.119 very gracious for me to really work through those fears 0:25:16.119 --> 0:25:18.920 with him. But they were also very real. 0:25:19.760 --> 0:25:23.720 Yeah, I can see that. Well, talk about the values 0:25:23.720 --> 0:25:27.200 and the difficulties of connecting with other moms. 0:25:28.320 --> 0:25:34.000 Mhm. One difficulty, um, that comes to mind immediately is 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:38.440 especially with smaller kids, is just being able to finish 0:25:38.440 --> 0:25:42.800 your sentences. I mean, you know, you sometimes will get 0:25:42.800 --> 0:25:46.000 together and you'll leave and say, we started about 20 0:25:46.000 --> 0:25:50.480 stories and finished none of them, you know. And that 0:25:50.480 --> 0:25:52.960 can make you feel like, oh, goodness, did they feel 0:25:52.960 --> 0:25:55.840 like I was distracted? Well, you know, we were because 0:25:55.840 --> 0:25:59.240 we were keeping people alive, you know. And but the 0:25:59.240 --> 0:26:02.159 value is when we really are able to connect over 0:26:02.160 --> 0:26:04.800 things that. Oh, really? You were feeling that way too, 0:26:04.800 --> 0:26:07.520 because you you look like you always have that together. 0:26:07.560 --> 0:26:10.320 I had no idea you were struggling with the same things. 0:26:10.320 --> 0:26:13.119 It's that. And that's what's been so beautiful about the book, 0:26:13.119 --> 0:26:16.679 is hearing people all say, I needed to hear this, 0:26:16.680 --> 0:26:18.639 because a lot of times, and this goes back to 0:26:18.680 --> 0:26:20.879 fears in writing, there's a lot of those could be 0:26:20.880 --> 0:26:22.959 a whole episode, but a lot of times I'll be 0:26:22.960 --> 0:26:25.280 writing something and you wrestle with something so long that 0:26:25.280 --> 0:26:27.280 at the end you can kind of convince yourself, no 0:26:27.280 --> 0:26:32.520 one really needs to hear this. Um, everybody already knows this, but, 0:26:32.520 --> 0:26:36.280 you know, it's been life giving to hear the Lord 0:26:36.280 --> 0:26:41.080 use it in moms lives. And it connects me with strangers. 0:26:41.280 --> 0:26:43.520 You know, when when I speak at an event and 0:26:43.520 --> 0:26:45.760 a woman comes up with tears in her eyes and say, 0:26:46.040 --> 0:26:50.160 I always ask myself or wonder, am I a good mom? 0:26:50.280 --> 0:26:54.479 And so I just think there's this universal bonding that 0:26:54.480 --> 0:26:56.520 the Lord's given us in this role. And so it's 0:26:56.520 --> 0:26:59.280 so important to connect. But there can be a lot 0:26:59.280 --> 0:27:03.719 of things. And I think going back to those feelings of, 0:27:03.720 --> 0:27:06.400 of mom failure and guilt, we can kind of want 0:27:06.400 --> 0:27:09.040 to overcome those with trying to look like we have 0:27:09.040 --> 0:27:11.280 it all together, and that can actually be a hindrance 0:27:11.280 --> 0:27:14.879 of getting getting to that deeper connection of, oh, actually 0:27:14.880 --> 0:27:17.240 have the struggle to and and we can have this 0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:19.560 deeper connection over, over that. 0:27:19.920 --> 0:27:23.200 Yeah. I think life was meant to be lived in community. 0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:26.680 And whether it's parents or dads or moms or whatever, 0:27:27.280 --> 0:27:29.280 we can help each other, and it helps us when 0:27:29.280 --> 0:27:32.280 we realize that others may be struggling with similar things. 0:27:33.240 --> 0:27:37.720 How did the writing of this book shape your motherhood journey? 0:27:38.600 --> 0:27:43.200 Well, I quit it a lot. Um, because I would 0:27:43.520 --> 0:27:46.640 be writing and, um, then have a day where I 0:27:46.640 --> 0:27:49.439 just felt like the most impatient mom or the biggest 0:27:49.440 --> 0:27:52.640 mom failure, or just feel like I can't say these 0:27:52.640 --> 0:27:55.760 things to other moms. I'm struggling to believe I'm, you know, 0:27:55.800 --> 0:27:59.120 alone in my four walls. And so there were many 0:27:59.119 --> 0:28:02.920 times I quit the book, sometimes audibly. But in all 0:28:02.920 --> 0:28:05.080 of that, every time I returned, I had to really 0:28:05.080 --> 0:28:07.840 come back to what is true. No, this is true. 0:28:08.040 --> 0:28:11.159 Those things were lies. Those things were feelings. But this 0:28:11.160 --> 0:28:14.400 is true. And so it really was refining in such 0:28:14.400 --> 0:28:18.000 a gracious process for the Lord to have me walk through. 0:28:18.000 --> 0:28:21.600 Because I truly believe this for other moms now, and 0:28:21.600 --> 0:28:25.480 can say that with feeling and gumption, because I had 0:28:25.480 --> 0:28:28.080 to come back to that in order for this book 0:28:28.080 --> 0:28:30.760 to to become what it is and for me to 0:28:30.800 --> 0:28:34.200 continue to put this out. And so that is one thing. 0:28:34.200 --> 0:28:37.960 And also even just in the the meeting, writing deadlines 0:28:37.960 --> 0:28:41.080 and and learning the publishing process, because it is still 0:28:41.080 --> 0:28:43.920 foreign to me and in the marketing and still being 0:28:43.920 --> 0:28:46.200 a mom on the side of all those things was 0:28:46.200 --> 0:28:49.320 really coming to the end of that surrender we've been 0:28:49.320 --> 0:28:51.720 talking about. If this is the capacity that I have, 0:28:51.760 --> 0:28:54.800 there's been times that the kids are home from school 0:28:54.840 --> 0:28:56.959 because they're sick or they're out of school that week, 0:28:56.960 --> 0:29:01.959 and I'm speaking that week, and I have to really, 0:29:02.120 --> 0:29:04.840 you know, like start my talk and practice and then 0:29:04.840 --> 0:29:06.720 pause it and peel an apple and then come back. 0:29:06.720 --> 0:29:10.000 And where was I? And going back a year ago, 0:29:10.000 --> 0:29:13.120 that would have really stressed me out. But now I'm 0:29:13.120 --> 0:29:15.720 able to rest. And you knew I would be here. 0:29:15.880 --> 0:29:19.320 You knew that this would be our circumstances. Um, when 0:29:19.320 --> 0:29:22.239 I said yes to this. And so the capacity that 0:29:22.240 --> 0:29:25.160 you've given me is enough. And if I can glorify 0:29:25.160 --> 0:29:28.000 you and speak truth, that's okay, because none of this 0:29:28.000 --> 0:29:29.120 is a performance. 0:29:29.840 --> 0:29:33.080 Yeah, absolutely. You know, I don't know, but you may 0:29:33.080 --> 0:29:36.600 have this experience in the future. But as I've gotten older, 0:29:36.840 --> 0:29:40.520 I reflect back on when I was single, when I 0:29:40.760 --> 0:29:44.600 first had children, when I first had teenagers, I've sometimes 0:29:44.600 --> 0:29:48.000 reread my books in those areas and think, man, I 0:29:48.000 --> 0:29:51.200 wish I'd have had this, you know, back, back then. 0:29:51.760 --> 0:29:56.680 So so I think perhaps you'll find that true as well. 0:29:56.720 --> 0:30:00.880 You know, uh, in wrestling with mom guilt because you're 0:30:00.880 --> 0:30:02.990 You are walking through it and you're writing it as 0:30:02.990 --> 0:30:05.790 you're going through it, you know? So I think it's 0:30:05.790 --> 0:30:07.630 going to help a lot of ladies who are going 0:30:07.630 --> 0:30:11.270 through it. What's the Lord teaching you in your current 0:30:11.270 --> 0:30:12.990 season of motherhood? 0:30:13.990 --> 0:30:16.310 Well, first of all, let me say how encouraging that 0:30:16.310 --> 0:30:20.590 was and also say that your work has impacted me 0:30:20.590 --> 0:30:23.150 and I've been grateful to have it, um, in my 0:30:23.150 --> 0:30:26.110 marriage and in my all of my relationships. So thank you. 0:30:26.110 --> 0:30:30.350 That was extremely encouraging. I think it goes back to, 0:30:30.390 --> 0:30:34.270 in my current motherhood is the capacity piece, but to 0:30:34.310 --> 0:30:38.390 extend that also towards the ability to just be present, 0:30:38.390 --> 0:30:41.830 because I think when we are trying to earn this 0:30:41.830 --> 0:30:45.469 title of a good mom or, um, enough or worthy, 0:30:45.510 --> 0:30:48.070 whatever that title is that we feel like we're fighting 0:30:48.070 --> 0:30:51.750 for in our actions and in our tasks completed, that 0:30:51.750 --> 0:30:55.550 we can miss the people across from us. But when 0:30:55.550 --> 0:30:58.430 I'm able to rest in all of those gospel truths 0:30:58.430 --> 0:31:01.710 that we've talked about, then I'm able to actually be 0:31:01.710 --> 0:31:04.710 present because I don't have to earn my worth. And 0:31:04.750 --> 0:31:09.030 we've actually had some really good conversations with some friends 0:31:09.430 --> 0:31:12.710 after the book launch, talking about rest and being able 0:31:12.710 --> 0:31:16.190 to play with our kids and enjoy hobbies as moms. 0:31:16.550 --> 0:31:19.190 And I think one of the reasons that moms struggle 0:31:19.190 --> 0:31:22.510 the most with those things is because if you are 0:31:22.550 --> 0:31:26.510 finding your worth and work, then you cannot take a 0:31:26.510 --> 0:31:30.830 break from that because you feel worthless when you rest 0:31:30.870 --> 0:31:33.910 and you feel worthless when you play or do something 0:31:33.910 --> 0:31:36.950 you want to do. But the gospel truth says that 0:31:36.950 --> 0:31:39.310 our worth remains the same because of who he is 0:31:39.350 --> 0:31:42.430 and what he's done. And so it actually gives us 0:31:42.430 --> 0:31:44.989 the permission to do those things. But the benefit of 0:31:45.030 --> 0:31:48.390 that now with older kids is they're able to see 0:31:48.390 --> 0:31:51.750 a mom who can pause and stop and be present, 0:31:51.750 --> 0:31:54.710 and it's that same old Martha, Martha, you are worried 0:31:54.710 --> 0:31:57.790 about all these things, but there's only one thing that 0:31:57.830 --> 0:32:02.190 is that really matters. And so that permission that Jesus 0:32:02.190 --> 0:32:05.470 gives Martha. They're not to be merry, but to come 0:32:05.470 --> 0:32:08.550 as Martha is. And and that, I would say, is 0:32:08.550 --> 0:32:09.750 where I'm at right now. 0:32:10.070 --> 0:32:10.550 Yeah. 0:32:10.590 --> 0:32:13.710 It sounds to me like, as I'm hearing you, Hallie, 0:32:14.150 --> 0:32:17.630 the truth of God's sovereignty has kind of seeped into 0:32:17.630 --> 0:32:21.510 your soul where you're not performing for him any longer. 0:32:21.870 --> 0:32:25.990 You're simply receiving from him and then trying. Well, it's 0:32:25.990 --> 0:32:28.390 the abundant life. You know, I came to give life 0:32:28.390 --> 0:32:31.750 and give it abundantly. That's what you're saying yes to. 0:32:31.910 --> 0:32:32.830 Is that right? 0:32:33.510 --> 0:32:38.590 Yes, absolutely. And it's a daily, daily surrender and sitting 0:32:38.590 --> 0:32:40.270 in that truth. But yes. 0:32:41.470 --> 0:32:44.710 Ellie, in our last segment, you mentioned Martha and what 0:32:44.750 --> 0:32:47.670 Jesus said about her and Mary. Are there other biblical 0:32:47.670 --> 0:32:52.030 examples that were helpful to you as you studied the scriptures, 0:32:52.070 --> 0:32:53.870 looking at this area of motherhood? 0:32:54.750 --> 0:32:58.230 Absolutely two come to mind right off the bat. One 0:32:58.230 --> 0:33:01.230 of them is how when David fought Goliath and he 0:33:01.230 --> 0:33:05.430 tried to wear Saul's armor, that he recognized that one, 0:33:05.430 --> 0:33:08.430 it didn't fit. But it also says that they were untested. 0:33:08.830 --> 0:33:12.350 But what was tested and true was him being able 0:33:12.350 --> 0:33:15.350 to rely on the Lord. And so we talk about 0:33:15.350 --> 0:33:19.430 that in in the lack and limitation of he looked 0:33:19.470 --> 0:33:24.470 outwardly unaccompanied. Goliath had a what was it, a shield bearer? 0:33:24.470 --> 0:33:27.390 I can't remember exactly what the term was, but outwardly 0:33:27.390 --> 0:33:31.230 David had nothing and was way smaller. But but he 0:33:31.230 --> 0:33:34.030 had the Lord. And that is something that is so 0:33:34.030 --> 0:33:37.390 encouraging to me as a mom, because there are many 0:33:37.390 --> 0:33:40.350 times that I want to put Saul's armor on, because 0:33:40.350 --> 0:33:42.470 I want to look like that mom, or or be 0:33:42.470 --> 0:33:46.590 like that, mom. But the Lord has plans for me, 0:33:46.590 --> 0:33:48.350 and I don't need to be the perfect mom. I 0:33:48.350 --> 0:33:50.070 just need to be the mom that God made me 0:33:50.070 --> 0:33:54.510 to be. And that is a good mom. And another 0:33:54.510 --> 0:33:57.110 is the Proverbs 31 woman. And a lot of people 0:33:57.110 --> 0:34:01.950 don't realize that she wasn't real. She was this sort 0:34:01.950 --> 0:34:05.110 of poem created by King Lemuel's mother for him to 0:34:05.150 --> 0:34:07.910 kind of recognize the character of, of a, of a 0:34:08.070 --> 0:34:11.230 good wife and of a good mom. And we look 0:34:11.270 --> 0:34:13.630 at her and we think, oh my goodness, there's no 0:34:13.630 --> 0:34:16.230 way I can amount to all, of, all of these 0:34:16.230 --> 0:34:20.470 things that she's good at and that she has achieved. And, 0:34:20.510 --> 0:34:23.510 you know, she makes her own bedspreads and she gets 0:34:23.510 --> 0:34:27.950 up before the dawn. That one sounds the hardest to me. Um, 0:34:28.710 --> 0:34:33.430 but that she's an entrepreneur and she is organized and 0:34:33.430 --> 0:34:38.029 she is wise, and she turns a profit and can 0:34:38.030 --> 0:34:40.750 speak eloquently. And there's all these things that you think, man, 0:34:40.750 --> 0:34:43.270 I don't have all of those. But what's really neat 0:34:43.270 --> 0:34:46.950 when we realize that she wasn't a real person, meaning 0:34:46.989 --> 0:34:50.270 to meet all of these checklists in one season and 0:34:50.270 --> 0:34:52.910 one person, we begin to say, okay, but do you 0:34:52.910 --> 0:34:56.189 see any of these traits that align with how God 0:34:56.190 --> 0:34:58.509 created you to be? Well then good. You get to 0:34:58.550 --> 0:35:01.830 see the the Word of God. Affirm those things in you, 0:35:01.830 --> 0:35:04.030 and how can you live those out to his glory? 0:35:04.230 --> 0:35:07.950 And so those things have been really freeing to me 0:35:07.950 --> 0:35:08.750 as a mom. 0:35:09.270 --> 0:35:12.589 Yeah, I know every time I hear a message on 0:35:12.630 --> 0:35:17.270 that on Mother's Day, I kind of feel for mothers 0:35:17.270 --> 0:35:21.230 because it lays it on really heavy. And and many 0:35:21.230 --> 0:35:23.670 times they don't make the point that you just made 0:35:24.230 --> 0:35:27.069 that this is not a real mother. This is a 0:35:27.070 --> 0:35:31.950 mother describing for her son what a wonderful, wonderful mother 0:35:31.950 --> 0:35:32.870 would be like. 0:35:32.910 --> 0:35:35.270 Right. And the ultimate truth that she's a woman who 0:35:35.270 --> 0:35:36.750 fears the Lord, you know. 0:35:37.070 --> 0:35:40.030 Oh, yeah, that's where it all starts. And that's really 0:35:40.030 --> 0:35:42.430 the heart of your book, I think, too, is it's 0:35:42.430 --> 0:35:45.629 it's our relationship with God that is going to carry 0:35:45.670 --> 0:35:49.670 us through and make us a good mom. Not a 0:35:49.820 --> 0:35:51.420 perfect mom, but a good mom. 0:35:51.820 --> 0:35:52.700 Absolutely. 0:35:53.300 --> 0:35:56.460 How has writing this book impacted your own personal faith 0:35:56.460 --> 0:35:57.140 in God? 0:35:58.380 --> 0:36:03.420 You know, from start to finish to quitting, to starting 0:36:03.460 --> 0:36:08.460 again and really even how this book was published. Because honestly, 0:36:08.460 --> 0:36:11.500 I shouldn't have gotten a book deal. The world and 0:36:11.500 --> 0:36:14.980 the publishing world says that shouldn't have happened. Um, and 0:36:14.980 --> 0:36:19.260 that would be true. But so often as I wrestled 0:36:19.260 --> 0:36:23.340 over the fears that we talked about earlier, I would pray, Lord, 0:36:23.340 --> 0:36:25.660 if this book is not going to bring you glory, 0:36:26.140 --> 0:36:28.700 if this book is about me and it's not about 0:36:28.700 --> 0:36:31.500 what you have to say for moms, it's not. It's 0:36:31.500 --> 0:36:34.459 not about you. Um, if it's not going to point 0:36:34.460 --> 0:36:36.220 people to you, if it's going to lead anyone astray, 0:36:36.219 --> 0:36:38.939 please don't let this book go out. Don't let this 0:36:38.980 --> 0:36:41.419 be successful. And I had to pray that in order 0:36:41.420 --> 0:36:43.980 to be able to rest, that that I was within 0:36:43.980 --> 0:36:47.420 his will. And so I look back at really the 0:36:47.580 --> 0:36:50.980 miraculous way that it did get published. And I go, okay, 0:36:51.020 --> 0:36:53.980 you had a plan. And so when I look back 0:36:53.980 --> 0:36:55.859 and say, oh, you know, maybe I should have said 0:36:55.860 --> 0:36:58.580 this or I wouldn't have said it exactly like that 0:36:58.580 --> 0:37:02.620 or whatever, that fear that that little worry or doubt 0:37:02.620 --> 0:37:06.140 that that comes up later. I know for a fact 0:37:06.140 --> 0:37:08.940 that he had a plan for this, and that also 0:37:08.940 --> 0:37:12.860 allows me to rest in moving forward on the next thing, um, 0:37:12.860 --> 0:37:15.939 whether that's a public decision or just something inside my 0:37:15.940 --> 0:37:19.020 home to go, okay, I don't know the future. I 0:37:19.020 --> 0:37:21.580 don't know what I need. I don't know what my 0:37:21.580 --> 0:37:25.739 kids need. But you do. Would you guide my hands 0:37:25.739 --> 0:37:28.580 in every single facet and decision? And if I begin 0:37:28.580 --> 0:37:30.540 to walk through a door that's not for your glory 0:37:30.540 --> 0:37:33.380 or isn't far good, would you just shut it? And 0:37:33.380 --> 0:37:36.020 that has begun to change the way that I move forward. 0:37:36.020 --> 0:37:39.899 Just seeing his faithfulness and his provision. Um, and really 0:37:39.900 --> 0:37:41.700 just the providence in the past. 0:37:42.140 --> 0:37:44.660 Yeah. I think that a desire that all of us 0:37:44.660 --> 0:37:48.060 who are true Christians have is we want to walk 0:37:48.100 --> 0:37:51.020 the path that God has for us, you know, and 0:37:51.020 --> 0:37:52.859 that's going to be different for every one of us 0:37:52.860 --> 0:37:56.620 because we're unique and we're all gifted differently. But if 0:37:56.620 --> 0:38:00.620 we are seeking that and want and asking God to 0:38:00.660 --> 0:38:03.460 guide us in what he has in mind for us, 0:38:03.500 --> 0:38:06.339 you know, the scriptures say man makes his plans, but 0:38:06.340 --> 0:38:09.980 God directs his steps. And that's what all of us want. 0:38:10.780 --> 0:38:13.100 As we come near the end of our program today, 0:38:13.420 --> 0:38:16.500 talk to the mom who's listening, who feels guilty for 0:38:16.500 --> 0:38:21.140 not being the perfect mother, and then feels guilty for 0:38:21.140 --> 0:38:24.300 feeling guilty. What would you say to her? 0:38:25.620 --> 0:38:28.940 Oh, not the double guilt. I think so often when 0:38:28.940 --> 0:38:31.140 we ask this question, am I a good mom? We 0:38:31.140 --> 0:38:35.580 can be really good at remembering the the highlight reel 0:38:35.580 --> 0:38:37.980 of all the ways we didn't measure up for the day. 0:38:38.020 --> 0:38:40.219 You know, we don't necessarily remember all the things we 0:38:40.219 --> 0:38:42.299 showed up and did a good job, but we can 0:38:42.300 --> 0:38:44.620 always really remember the ways that we do feel like 0:38:44.620 --> 0:38:49.100 we failed. And I want to say this one if 0:38:49.140 --> 0:38:52.060 you have the righteousness of Christ, then you have the 0:38:52.060 --> 0:38:54.940 covering in which he claimed, this is my son, in 0:38:54.940 --> 0:38:58.180 whom I'm well pleased. We really need to sit in 0:38:58.219 --> 0:39:02.100 that and and really wrestle with. Could that be true? 0:39:02.260 --> 0:39:05.339 Because yes it is. And it will change everything. But 0:39:05.340 --> 0:39:07.580 to the mom that says, well, you don't know this. 0:39:07.580 --> 0:39:09.620 And I really did lose my patience and I really 0:39:09.620 --> 0:39:13.100 did raise my voice and and this, this, this, the 0:39:13.100 --> 0:39:17.140 beautiful truth about repentance and repair, repenting with the Lord 0:39:17.140 --> 0:39:20.820 and then repairing with our kids of modeling this saying, 0:39:20.820 --> 0:39:25.900 I'm sorry is so powerful because kids hold their parents 0:39:25.900 --> 0:39:30.180 in high esteem no matter what we do. We just do. 0:39:30.219 --> 0:39:34.020 Parents are just important. That's why people in their 30s, 40s, 0:39:34.020 --> 0:39:36.420 50s would still love to hear this word from their 0:39:36.420 --> 0:39:39.180 parents that they never felt like they did, or whatever 0:39:39.180 --> 0:39:43.339 that looks like. And so our words matter. But the 0:39:43.340 --> 0:39:46.620 beautiful thing about when we fail and we model that 0:39:46.620 --> 0:39:50.180 repentance and repair for our kids and with our kids, 0:39:50.180 --> 0:39:53.979 they're able to see, oh my goodness, when mom said this, 0:39:53.980 --> 0:39:57.020 when dad said this, they didn't lose their worth. When 0:39:57.020 --> 0:39:59.899 they admitted that they failed and that they're sorry. And 0:39:59.900 --> 0:40:02.060 not only does it show them this is the way, 0:40:02.300 --> 0:40:05.180 but it also makes it to where they can now 0:40:05.219 --> 0:40:08.140 memorize that pathway to the throne of grace and mercy 0:40:08.140 --> 0:40:11.700 in their time of need. And what if the Lord 0:40:11.739 --> 0:40:16.020 is so sovereign and so providential, that he can actually 0:40:16.020 --> 0:40:21.020 use even our failures to model that repentance that we 0:40:21.020 --> 0:40:23.140 are to keep up with in order to bear fruit. 0:40:23.260 --> 0:40:27.460 And so I would just encourage that, mom, that you 0:40:27.500 --> 0:40:30.859 literally can't outrun his faithfulness and his goodness if you 0:40:30.900 --> 0:40:33.540 continue to seek him and follow him in everything. 0:40:34.460 --> 0:40:37.540 Hallie, can you tell us a story from the book, 0:40:37.580 --> 0:40:40.380 kind of a vulnerable place in your own life that 0:40:40.660 --> 0:40:43.140 that will sum up what you've been talking about here today. 0:40:44.300 --> 0:40:47.859 Absolutely. Um, one of my favorite stories from the book, 0:40:47.860 --> 0:40:50.020 and I joke all the time that really, this book 0:40:50.020 --> 0:40:52.940 is just writing these great truths that my husband said, 0:40:52.980 --> 0:40:55.380 and I just wrote it and put my name on it. Um, 0:40:55.739 --> 0:40:59.739 but there was a one day in that season that 0:40:59.739 --> 0:41:02.020 I talked about of we were kind of beginning to 0:41:02.020 --> 0:41:04.860 get out of shelter at home in 2020, but, um, 0:41:04.860 --> 0:41:07.260 but we were very much still at home, still had 0:41:07.260 --> 0:41:10.020 a four now three and one year old. And I'd 0:41:10.060 --> 0:41:12.700 been home all day with them, um, by myself. And 0:41:12.700 --> 0:41:16.620 it was just, again, a long day and a lot 0:41:16.660 --> 0:41:20.060 of needs and caretaking in that time of life. And, um, 0:41:20.300 --> 0:41:22.420 just I want to say to any mom that that's 0:41:22.420 --> 0:41:25.140 a hard season and it doesn't it's not like that forever. 0:41:25.380 --> 0:41:28.540 But my husband came home and he's so fun, and 0:41:28.540 --> 0:41:30.460 he was like, hey, let's take the kids to the pool. 0:41:30.500 --> 0:41:34.020 Because we had recently joined a gym here locally. And 0:41:34.020 --> 0:41:35.540 I would love to say that the gym and the 0:41:35.580 --> 0:41:38.020 workout facility sold me. But really, the snack bar and 0:41:38.020 --> 0:41:41.700 the splash pad and the pool sold me. So I 0:41:41.700 --> 0:41:44.820 was like, okay, you know, well, let's, let's go. And 0:41:44.860 --> 0:41:47.220 that'll be good. And I wanted to be the mom 0:41:47.219 --> 0:41:51.540 in that instance so badly. That was joyful and excited 0:41:51.540 --> 0:41:54.299 about that experience. I would love to be the mom 0:41:54.300 --> 0:41:56.140 that didn't think about how hard that would be and 0:41:56.140 --> 0:41:58.140 show up and say, oh, this is kind of a challenge. 0:41:58.380 --> 0:42:02.580 I've never been that person. And so I'm automatically thinking, oh, 0:42:02.620 --> 0:42:04.500 that means that I've got to get wrestle all of 0:42:04.500 --> 0:42:07.540 them into their swimsuits. That means that we already have 0:42:07.540 --> 0:42:09.500 three and there's two of us. So we've already moved 0:42:09.500 --> 0:42:11.739 from man to man defense to zone defense. And now 0:42:11.739 --> 0:42:13.820 we're going to do that by open pools of water. 0:42:13.820 --> 0:42:17.460 And so I'm thinking through all those things. And um, 0:42:17.500 --> 0:42:19.180 but I don't say any of it out loud. I 0:42:19.180 --> 0:42:21.060 just say, okay, you know, and I'm really trying to 0:42:21.100 --> 0:42:24.460 force my feelings into being the fun, joyful mom that 0:42:24.460 --> 0:42:27.100 I really want to be. And so we go and 0:42:27.100 --> 0:42:29.739 we go to the splash pad first, exhaust all the 0:42:29.739 --> 0:42:32.459 splash pad. And six minutes later, when we've done that, 0:42:32.460 --> 0:42:35.140 they're ready to go to the pool. So we go, 0:42:35.700 --> 0:42:38.009 we get in the kiddie pool and everyone has a 0:42:38.010 --> 0:42:40.569 good time and you know, it goes well. And then 0:42:40.570 --> 0:42:45.129 I recognize we probably need to go before everybody gets hangry. 0:42:45.130 --> 0:42:48.650 And so we load up. And I really just was 0:42:48.650 --> 0:42:51.850 at war with myself for my feelings in that moment. 0:42:51.850 --> 0:42:54.490 I was just even though everybody had a good time 0:42:54.489 --> 0:42:57.450 and nobody really knew I was struggling, I just still 0:42:57.450 --> 0:43:00.690 felt a certain way and I couldn't really pinpoint that. 0:43:01.170 --> 0:43:03.610 So we're almost home and my kids are in the 0:43:03.610 --> 0:43:05.370 back seat and they're playing and talking, so they're not 0:43:05.370 --> 0:43:08.530 paying attention to us. And I finally was able to like, 0:43:08.890 --> 0:43:10.930 pinpoint why am I feeling this way? And I voiced 0:43:10.930 --> 0:43:13.370 to my husband, Andrew, you know, I just want to 0:43:13.370 --> 0:43:16.770 be the mom that is always fun and loving and kind. 0:43:17.290 --> 0:43:19.009 And I thought he would say, oh, you are. And 0:43:19.010 --> 0:43:22.370 I would have ignored that because he's nice and I 0:43:22.530 --> 0:43:25.930 that wouldn't have, you know, really made me feel better, unfortunately. 0:43:26.250 --> 0:43:28.690 But he didn't. He said, do you want a God 0:43:28.690 --> 0:43:32.009 that is always fun and loving and kind? And that 0:43:32.010 --> 0:43:34.690 kind of took me aback and I thought about it. 0:43:34.730 --> 0:43:37.890 And even though I recognized that we have no say 0:43:37.890 --> 0:43:41.610 in who God is, I chose to play along and said, well, well, 0:43:41.610 --> 0:43:44.850 I want a God that is good. Because somewhere in 0:43:44.850 --> 0:43:47.330 my answer, I recognized there's a lot more to God 0:43:47.330 --> 0:43:53.690 than just those things. And he said, exactly. And there's 0:43:53.690 --> 0:43:56.569 a lot more. And like, spoke directly to that and said, 0:43:56.570 --> 0:43:59.330 there's a lot more that's encompassing and good and that's 0:43:59.330 --> 0:44:03.009 what you're giving our kids. Well, I can barely tell 0:44:03.010 --> 0:44:04.490 that story without. 0:44:04.489 --> 0:44:05.569 Crying because. 0:44:06.410 --> 0:44:08.370 That was such a kindness to me. 0:44:08.930 --> 0:44:15.290 Yes. A very wise husband, I would say. Absolutely. Well, Holly, 0:44:15.290 --> 0:44:19.130 this conversation has been very, very good. And I really 0:44:19.130 --> 0:44:20.969 believe this book is going to help a lot of 0:44:20.969 --> 0:44:24.970 moms who are struggling with this whole issue and often 0:44:24.969 --> 0:44:27.890 feeling guilty of not not being a good mom. So 0:44:28.050 --> 0:44:30.810 thanks for writing the book, and thanks for being with 0:44:30.810 --> 0:44:32.129 us today on the program. 0:44:32.130 --> 0:44:34.370 Groom. Thank you so much. I pray that it will 0:44:34.370 --> 0:44:36.170 and thank you for having me. It was an honor. 0:44:37.130 --> 0:44:40.650 Again, the title of Hally's book, You're Still a Good Mom. 0:44:40.650 --> 0:44:43.890 Motherhood surrendered to the one who never fails, even when 0:44:43.890 --> 0:44:47.770 you feel you have again. By Hayley Dye d y 0:44:47.770 --> 0:44:50.569 e and you can find out more about that at 0:44:50.570 --> 0:44:55.210 Building Relationships Again, building relationships. 0:44:56.530 --> 0:44:59.930 And next week, help for parents who want to raise 0:44:59.930 --> 0:45:02.330 children the way God designed them. 0:45:02.489 --> 0:45:05.970 Don't miss the conversation with Sally Clarkson in one week. 0:45:06.330 --> 0:45:09.129 Our thanks to Janice backing and Steve Wick for their 0:45:09.130 --> 0:45:13.050 work behind the scenes. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman 0:45:13.050 --> 0:45:17.250 is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, 0:45:17.290 --> 0:45:20.810 a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.