S1: If you're struggling in your marriage or with an adult child,
S1: don't miss today's Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S2: So we don't go out and try to make our
S2: children do what we believe is right. Our adult children.
S2: But we do stand with open arms whenever they are
S2: ready to come back. And whatever they've done, we are
S2: willing to forgive.
S1: Welcome to Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S1: The New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages. Today,
S1: it's our May edition of Dear Gary as we feature
S1: your questions to our host.
S3: That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and
S3: ready for your questions and comments. We have a phone
S3: number for you to call if you want to ask
S3: Doctor Chapman a question on a future program, it's 86642
S3: for Gary again 186642 for Gary.
S1: And we have a featured resource at our website, building relationships.us.
S1: It's the five Love Languages Military edition. Just go to
S1: Building relationships.us to find out more.
S3: Now, with this being Memorial Day weekend, Memorial Day coming
S3: up Monday, Gary, I know you have a heart for
S3: those who serve in the military who are active duty
S3: right now around the globe, their family members who are
S3: constantly praying. And then for Memorial Day. This is a
S3: hard holiday for many, as they remember those who died
S3: in service to our country. So jump in here. What
S3: stirs in your heart for Memorial Day?
S2: Well, you know, Chris, I always reflect upon people who
S2: have lost someone in the military because, listen, thousands and
S2: thousands have given their lives in military service. Uh, if
S2: a person in your family, even if it's not your
S2: immediate family, but your extended family, I think your mind
S2: always goes back to them on this day. And I
S2: think it's good that we have a day like this
S2: to remember. But you're right. I love military couples. I
S2: really appreciate what they're doing. I also understand the the
S2: stress often that is put upon the marriage when they're
S2: deployed and other things. And so that's why I really, uh,
S2: speak to military couples as often as I can, uh,
S2: and try to give them practical ideas on how to
S2: have the kind of marriage that they not only wanted,
S2: but the kind of marriage they need that's loving and
S2: supportive and caring and understanding and where they're there for
S2: each other. So I'm hoping that on Memorial Day, there'll
S2: be many across the country who are praying for families
S2: who are in the military, as well as those who
S2: have lost family members in service.
S3: Yeah. You know, you made me think about I grew
S3: up in a real small town in West Virginia in
S3: the 1960s, and there was a young man who was
S3: getting ready to come back from Vietnam and was killed
S3: in in battle in. Just as he was riding around
S3: in a Jeep. And that just made a real impact
S3: on me as a child, you know, and this one
S3: family in our little town. And then you add to that,
S3: then those who came back from whatever conflict it was
S3: with post-traumatic stress disorder and are dealing with the fallout
S3: of what they experienced in in battle. And you've got
S3: kind of the perfect storm. So all of that comes
S3: together for me as I think about Memorial Day.
S2: And I think that's true for many people today, Chris,
S2: and that's why I really am glad that we have
S2: a day set aside in our country to remember people
S2: who have gone through this with family members. You know,
S2: life is not easy and wars have been a part
S2: of human culture as long as we trace back. Uh,
S2: and they will continue. And so I just think we
S2: have to recognize those who are serving. And then also
S2: remember those who gave their lives.
S3: Yes. The Five Love Languages military edition is our featured
S3: resource today. You can find out more about that at
S3: Building relationships.us real quickly on that, uh, military physical touch
S3: is something that, you know, if you have a long
S3: distance between here and the Middle East or wherever the
S3: person is deployed, uh, male or female, that having that
S3: kind of relationship and, you know, you can't be physically
S3: there with them. What do you say about that long
S3: distance love language?
S2: Well, you know, in my book on the five love
S2: languages for military couples, I got real life illustrations, uh,
S2: on how do you speak physical touch when you're half
S2: a world away? Uh, one lady said, for example, I
S2: knew my husband's language was physical touch. So while he
S2: was deployed, I traced my hand on a sheet of
S2: paper and mailed it to him with a note that said,
S2: put your hand on my hand. I want to hold
S2: your hand. And when he came home some months later,
S2: he said to me, you know, Gary, every time I
S2: put my hand on that paper, I felt her. And
S2: then a man said, well, I knew her language was
S2: physical touch. So before I left, I said to her, honey,
S2: I'm going to leave this jean jacket here anytime you
S2: need a hug. You put it on and I'll hug you. Wow.
S2: And she told me later, she said, every time I
S2: put it on, I felt his arms around me. So
S2: there are practical ways to express physical touch, even if
S2: you're half a world away in deployment.
S3: Wow. I saw that very thing on a reel the
S3: other day, and it was two girls opening a present.
S3: It might have been at Christmas, and they opened and
S3: both of the girls just started to weep. And what
S3: you didn't know as you watched this was that their
S3: father had passed away, but their mom had put together this, uh,
S3: you know, a robe that was built out of or
S3: sewn together a lot of his old shirts. And and
S3: she said, you know, put this on your dad left
S3: these so that you could, anytime you felt like you
S3: needed a hug, you could put this on. And one
S3: of the girls, uh, held that up to her nose
S3: and she said, it smells like dad, you didn't wash it.
S3: And she said, right. I didn't wash it because I
S3: wanted you. And there's all the senses coming back that,
S3: you know, just seeing that, of course, I had to
S3: pull myself up from the floor in tears. But that
S3: speaks volumes, doesn't it?
S2: Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. You know, and in the in the
S2: book for the military couples, we give ideas like that
S2: on all five of the love languages, how to speak
S2: them when you're deployed, which is so important in meeting
S2: each other's emotional needs while you're in the military.
S3: Now, this month, Gary, in this conversation, I'm going to
S3: use written questions for you. And so I'm going to
S3: be the person on the phone and ask you this
S3: in the first person who wrote us is actually from Europe. Hello, Gary.
S3: I received your book, The Five Love Languages from my wife.
S3: We are currently going through a difficult time. Over the years,
S3: I failed to understand how to fill her love tank.
S3: As a result, she told me that after all these
S3: years of emotional disappointment, she still enjoys being with me
S3: as a friend but no longer loves me. The moment
S3: I heard that completely shook me to the core. I
S3: know that I am not someone who talks much about
S3: my feelings, and by nature I am more of a
S3: deep ocean type, but I always believed that through my
S3: actions and small gestures, she would recognize how much I
S3: love her. When I started reading your book, I found
S3: many parallels to my own behavior, especially in the first
S3: two love languages words of affirmation and quality time. It
S3: made me realize how my actions must have felt to
S3: my wife, and it no longer surprises me why her
S3: love tank is empty and why she feels unloved. What
S3: makes it especially painful is that she did bring this
S3: up in the past, but I never truly understood it.
S3: For a short time, it became more aware and changed
S3: my behavior briefly. This gave her hope again and again,
S3: only for that hope to be disappointed. Unfortunately, I didn't
S3: know your book back then. I don't know if I
S3: should wish that I had read it earlier, because that
S3: might sound like I'm blaming her for not giving it
S3: to me sooner, which is absolutely not the case. Rather,
S3: I simply wish I had understood earlier what was troubling her.
S3: Better late than never. And then he says, through your book,
S3: I've learned what my own love language is. However, I
S3: still need to learn what my wife's love language is,
S3: and to speak it consistently so that our love can
S3: grow again. Even though it certainly won't happen overnight, I
S3: am hopeful that it can work. I would like to
S3: thank you from the bottom of my heart for your book.
S3: Since she has told me that she still wants to
S3: be friends but does not have any love for me,
S3: do you see any hope for us moving forward?
S2: Well, my short answer is yes. I do see hope.
S2: I can understand how you might question is there any
S2: hope when she is saying what she has just said
S2: to you, that she doesn't love you? And you also
S2: requested you said you need to learn to speak her
S2: love language. I'm thinking maybe you know her love language.
S2: You just need to learn how to speak it. If
S2: I'm understanding you correctly. If not, I would say make
S2: sure she's taken the quiz and and ask her. I
S2: want to know what your first love language is, your
S2: primary and your secondary. Because I want to learn how
S2: to express my love to you because I do love you.
S2: I think also to be understanding when she says, I don't,
S2: I don't have any love for you. I think she's
S2: talking about she doesn't have any love feelings for you. Uh,
S2: because her love tank is empty and you haven't spoken
S2: her language, you know, through the years. And so she
S2: doesn't have positive feelings. Uh, you know, those positive feelings
S2: when we first get married? Uh, we're still in love,
S2: you know? And we didn't choose to be in love.
S2: That just happens to us. But it doesn't last forever.
S2: And we discussed that in the book. We come down
S2: off that high, and that's where we have to learn
S2: how to communicate love. So she's lost the feelings. But
S2: that doesn't mean the feelings can't come back. Because if
S2: you can consistently, over a significant period of time, not
S2: only know her primary and secondary languages, but you're speaking
S2: them on a regular basis. Yes, those love feelings can
S2: come back. Uh, and so if she's not, I don't
S2: know if she's leaving you or moved out. I don't
S2: I'm not really clear in terms of whether or she's
S2: still in the house, but she's just telling you, I
S2: just want to be friends now. But I think if
S2: you have contact with her, which it sounds like you do,
S2: if you can communicate to her, I realize that I
S2: have failed in not knowing how to speak your love language.
S2: In my mind. I was loving you when I washed dishes.
S2: ET cetera. ET cetera. Which it sounds like what you
S2: were saying. Acts of service. But I realize now what's happened,
S2: and I want you to know that now that you've
S2: given me that book and I've read it and understand it,
S2: I want to learn how to love you, And I
S2: understand you don't have love feelings for me. But I
S2: do love you, and I just want to learn how
S2: to express it in a way that's meaningful to you.
S2: You take that approach. It will not happen overnight. You're right,
S2: and I'm glad you recognize that. But I think consistently
S2: over a period of time, uh, the love feelings can
S2: come back. Now, unless she is already involved with someone
S2: else outside the marriage. And if she's got love feelings
S2: for someone else, it's going to be very difficult because
S2: she's taking that. Now I've got the real thing this time.
S2: This person really loves me. She may not understand that
S2: that's going to be temporary, and she'll come down off
S2: that in-love experience, but it makes it much more difficult
S2: if she is involved with someone else, much more likely
S2: that she'll eventually warm up if she's not already involved
S2: with someone else.
S4: Mhm.
S3: How does he not let the regret of. And he
S3: even expressed it in here. I don't want to say
S3: this because it make her feel bad that she didn't
S3: give me the the book earlier and that, you know,
S3: that's not true. But how does he avoid having that regret?
S3: Grab a hold of him and and keep him from
S3: moving forward? Does that make sense?
S2: Yeah. Well, I think it's natural that he would feel
S2: regret because any time you're faced with the reality that
S2: your spouse no longer loves you because you have not
S2: communicated love to them, uh, you you do regret, but
S2: you can't allow the regret to get you on a
S2: downward trend to being discouraged and depressed and, and all
S2: of that, because that's not going to help you or
S2: her or anyone else. So I think you have to
S2: communicate to her a sincere apology, acknowledging, you know, and
S2: how deeply, how badly you feel that you failed in
S2: meeting her need for love and let her know. I
S2: don't know if you can give me another chance or not,
S2: but I really feel like that now. I've got the
S2: information I need, and I believe with God's help, I
S2: can communicate love to you in a meaningful way. And
S2: that's what I. That's what I desire. That's what I
S2: want to do. So I think we just acknowledged that,
S2: you know, we feel discouraged, depressed, whatever else we're feeling
S2: and acknowledge it to God and ask God's forgiveness as well.
S3: Isn't it interesting how the vulnerability of a man from
S3: Europe is sending an email? Sending a letter like that
S3: can stir things in. And I could tell there are
S3: listeners right now who are saying I felt the same way.
S3: So if you would like to ask a question of
S3: Doctor Chapman, or maybe to even tell a story from
S3: your own life in a vulnerable way that might help
S3: somebody else, here's the number. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two four. Gary.
S3: You can call that number. Leave a message and you
S3: might hear your voice on a future. Dear Gary broadcast (866) 424-4279.
S3: Here's an anonymous email. A person who left a message
S3: who said, Gary, I'm a mother in law. My husband
S3: and I live far from our grandchildren, and we travel
S3: to see them and spend winters where they live. My
S3: problem is that my daughters in law treat us more
S3: like a business than family. We get rigid restrictions on
S3: seeing them. It feels like we're interfering with their lives.
S3: They love the Lord as we do, and I pray
S3: for a relationship that's based on love and mutual respect.
S3: I don't know how to stop hurting. What would you
S3: say to that mother in law?
S2: Well, first of all, I would be empathetic because I
S2: think any time that we, our children, grow up and
S2: get married and move off, you know, and particularly if
S2: they have children which become our grandchildren, we want to
S2: have a loving relationship, we want to be involved with them.
S2: And it sounds like if they spend the whole winter
S2: close to each other, you know, geographically, uh, I think
S2: I would, uh, begin to reflect upon why they may
S2: have restrictions. Sometimes it's because unknowingly we who are the
S2: grandparents might just stop in to see them, uh, on
S2: any occasion, uh, without letting them know. I've run into
S2: this several times in my counseling and they, they would
S2: prefer that you call and find out, would this be
S2: a good time to come by and see the grandchildren?
S2: Or how about Thursday afternoon or whatever? They have schedules.
S2: And so you can't just drop in. You need to
S2: fit into their schedule, I understand. You want it to
S2: just be so loving and kind. You can stop by
S2: any time, but I wouldn't take the restrictions they have
S2: in terms of when and where and all that as
S2: being that they don't want you to have a relationship.
S2: It's just that they're trying to keep their marriage together
S2: and their relationship with the children going in a positive way.
S2: And it has you have to be fitted into the schedule.
S2: So I don't know if that helps you kind of
S2: back off and not feel badly, so badly about what
S2: the situation is. But I do think we have to
S2: respect the guidelines of our adult children that they have
S2: in terms of when and where we interface with each other.
S4: Yes.
S3: It sounds like she's taking the the rules, restrictions, whatever
S3: and schedules. She's taking that personally, that this shows that
S3: you don't really care about us as much as we
S3: care about you and the grandkids. When what you're saying is,
S3: when she mentions it feels like we're interfering. Well, maybe
S3: you are, but it's not a malicious interference. It's just
S3: that you have to put yourself in their shoes, right?
S2: Yeah, absolutely. I remember a couple who said to me,
S2: you know, it was a we had planned a nice
S2: romantic evening, put the kids to bed early. And my
S2: wife and I. And then the doorbell rings and in walked,
S2: you know, her mom and dad and our whole plan
S2: that we had for the evening goes out the window. Uh, okay.
S2: If you could be empathetic if you understood that. And
S2: I told him, uh, to, to tell, uh, the father
S2: in law what happened, I said, and he'll take care
S2: of that, you know? But, uh, but it's a lot
S2: of it has to do with scheduling rather than being spontaneous.
S2: And I know that, you know, we would like to
S2: think we can just drop in anytime and, and pick
S2: up the kids and go do things with them. But
S2: the kids have things to do also if depending on
S2: their age, but if they're in school, they've got things
S2: that they have to be involved in as well. So
S2: I would just try not to be so judgmental, uh,
S2: in terms of attributing, you know, negative attitudes toward them.
S2: And if you need to talk with your, your son
S2: and just say, uh, you know, honey, can you explain
S2: it to me? I just, I don't, we don't want
S2: to be a bother, but, you know, we love you
S2: all and we love the grandkids. And chances are he
S2: can explain to you what, what, what's happening and what
S2: has caused, you know, them to have strict regulations and
S2: restrict what you're calling rigid restrictions, because the only way
S2: you can really know what's on their heart is for
S2: them to share what's on their heart.
S3: I think if you'd have put me in that situation
S3: with the romantic dinner and the and the doorbell rings,
S3: I'd have blown out the candles and grabbed Andrea and
S3: gotten behind the couch and just waited till they went away. No,
S3: I wouldn't, but I'd have thought about it. Okay, this
S3: is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. The Five Love
S3: Languages Military Edition is our featured resource at building relationships.us,
S3: building relationships.us, and our phone number. If you want to
S3: leave a message for Gary for a future dear Gary
S3: broadcast is 86642 for Gary. We'd love to hear your situation.
S3: Maybe a positive comment about what the five love languages
S3: has meant in your own marriage, in your life. Just
S3: call 86642 for Gary. Here's our next question. Gary. I
S3: have two sons who are estranged from my husband and me.
S3: I believe there is a growing demonic influence in our
S3: world today, and that the demonic has drawn them away
S3: from the truth as well as from our family. What
S3: do you think about this? And how can I move
S3: forward through the pain of that estrangement?
S2: Well, I think any parent who has adult children who
S2: have kind of cut off relationships with them can identify
S2: with this, with this couple. What can be done? A
S2: lot depends on how much contact they allow you to have.
S2: And maybe they're not allowing anything at this point, but
S2: that's their decision. You cannot make those two sons have
S2: time with you if they choose not to have time
S2: with you. They they are adults. And I think we
S2: have to give them the same freedom that God gives
S2: his children, all of us. We can walk closely with
S2: him or we can walk away from him. If we
S2: walk away from God, we will have to live with
S2: the results of that. Uh. But God doesn't make us
S2: follow him. He loves us and wants us to reciprocate
S2: to his love. Just as you love your sons and
S2: want them to reciprocate. So I think you have to
S2: first of all acknowledge that they are adults and you
S2: have to give them that sense of freedom. It would
S2: be helpful to know why they have made this choice,
S2: but if they don't have any contact with you, you're limited.
S2: And even asking the question, honey, just be honest with
S2: me and tell me why you all have made the
S2: decision to pull back from having contact with us. If
S2: you take that approach, rather than telling them this is
S2: wrong and you know that, I mean, children should not
S2: be just not seeing their parents, you know, that kind
S2: of negative preaching and criticizing them. It's just going to
S2: push them further away. But if you're honestly, in a
S2: loving way, asking them, uh, help me understand why you
S2: all feel that you have to do this. Uh, now,
S2: as I said, if you don't have contact, you can't
S2: ask that question. But if you have any way to
S2: have contact with them, then asking that question is the
S2: starting place. And from there, you decide then, okay, what
S2: can we do? What should we do? Or we can
S2: apologize if they're pointing out something that's that's led them
S2: that you've done, that's led them to this decision, which
S2: is not necessarily always the case. But if there is,
S2: then certainly you can apologize for that. And they may
S2: choose to forgive you, or they may still choose not
S2: to see you for a while. Again, just understanding the reality.
S2: We cannot control our adult children, but we can let
S2: them know we love them no matter what they do.
S2: It's exactly what God does. He loves us no matter
S2: what we do. And if we come to him with forgiveness,
S2: confessing our wrong, God will forgive us. Because if we're
S2: his children, we're going to always be his children. We
S2: can be out of fellowship with God, but he's still
S2: going to be our father if we're true Christians. And
S2: the same thing is true with you all. You're out
S2: of fellowship with your sons, but they're still your children
S2: and you're still their parents.
S3: So what I hear you saying is one great thing
S3: to do is if you have the opportunity, ask, ask
S3: the question and then listen. Listen well, and then ask
S3: a follow up. Well, tell me more about that. Tell
S3: me why. Tell me a little bit more and really listen.
S3: And then at the end of that, this is something
S3: I picked up from my, uh, my wife. Uh, thank
S3: you for telling me that. Thank you for trusting me
S3: with that. I really appreciate you sharing that. That can
S3: go a long way to breaking down some of the walls,
S3: can't it?
S2: Absolutely. Rather than being defensive, you know, they tell you
S2: how what has hurt them and so forth. And then
S2: you say, well now that's that's not what I meant. No,
S2: that's not you know, we defend ourselves. Now, what we
S2: want to know is what made them feel the way
S2: they feel, what stimulated those feelings inside of them. And
S2: it's likely something you did or didn't do. Uh, and
S2: it doesn't mean that necessarily you intended it to come
S2: across that way, but they're telling you that's what they
S2: feel and they didn't choose their feelings. We don't choose feelings,
S2: we interpret things. And then that that stimulates feelings inside
S2: of us. So trying to understand how your, your sons
S2: got to where they are and drawing away from you
S2: is really, really important. And, but you have to be
S2: a listener if you're going to ever discover the truth
S2: about why they are where they are.
S1: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S1: We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our
S1: listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave
S1: a message and you might hear an answer on an
S1: upcoming Dear Gary broadcast again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to
S1: building relationships.us you'll see our featured resource, the five Love
S1: Languages Military Edition. Just go to building relationships.us or visit
S1: five Love languages.com.
S3: Continuing with our written questions to Doctor Gary Chapman, here's
S3: one from a man who says my ex wife was
S3: having affairs. We divorced. She told the children that I
S3: was the one having affairs. So now my children hate me.
S3: I haven't talked to my kids in years because they
S3: believe I ruined our family. How can I fix this situation?
S3: Is there any hope?
S2: Well, you cannot alone fix the situation. It has to
S2: be if there's going to be any progress made. It
S2: has to be. You're talking with your ex-wife. You're sharing
S2: your hurt and your pain at having not been able
S2: to be with the kids through the years. Listen, if
S2: it's been years, she may be at a totally different
S2: place in her life now. She may already be remarried.
S2: I understand that that's possible. But she may also have
S2: become a true Christian. If you haven't had any contact,
S2: you don't really know where she is. But I think
S2: trying to find out where she is. And, uh, I
S2: don't know what efforts you've made to talk to or
S2: contact the two daughters. It appears like either you don't
S2: know how to do that, don't have contact information, or
S2: even if you call them or send texts, they don't
S2: respond to you. I don't know what the situation is there,
S2: but when you say you haven't talked to your kids
S2: in years, boy, that's a huge chasm. Years to build
S2: a bridge across. But there's certainly nothing wrong. If you
S2: have contact information on talking with your your daughters, I
S2: would try first talking to the wife to let her
S2: just just to see where she is in the journey
S2: and to let her know how you know, you just
S2: so wish that you could have some contact with the girls.
S2: But if you have contact with the girls, even if
S2: you can't talk with the wife, nothing wrong with reaching out.
S2: They may. you may just say, you know, all these
S2: years I have failed to reach out because I have
S2: the sense that you wanted to have nothing to do
S2: with me. I don't know if you understand the reality
S2: of what happened and just explain the whole thing to them.
S2: I don't know if maybe you've tried that before explaining
S2: what happened, that it really wasn't you who was the
S2: one having the affairs, that it was their mother and
S2: that she she told really told an untruth. Again, they
S2: may or may not believe you, but at least they're
S2: hearing it from you. And how you regret the fact
S2: that you haven't been able to have any relationship with
S2: them through the years. Now, if you haven't reached out
S2: to them all these years just because you knew they
S2: hated you, they may have a hard time believing that
S2: now you are bringing this up. You know, why didn't
S2: you share this with them earlier? So I don't know
S2: what the dynamics are, of course, in their minds and
S2: where they are in their journey. so I don't know.
S2: You know, the level of hope there is that things
S2: could be different, but it never hurts to reach out
S2: to individuals with whom we have a broken relationship. And
S2: just to say in your own words, kindly and lovingly,
S2: I've been thinking a lot about us and our lack
S2: of relationship through the years, and I just I just
S2: wonder if we could sit down and just have a talk.
S2: I will not try to force anything upon you, but
S2: I would just love to have a talk and see
S2: if we can catch up with each other. You know,
S2: an effort like that never hurts, and it may open
S2: a door depending on where they are in their own journey.
S3: Or how old they are too. That's a factor. We
S3: don't know as well. I wonder if bringing up the
S3: whole thing she cheated, I didn't cheat actually throws more
S3: wrenches into the relationship. Although I can understand why he
S3: would want the truth to be out there. Does that
S3: you know, does is it is starting the relationship without
S3: trying to cast aspersions on the lies that have been told. Uh,
S3: would that be a better first step than jumping into
S3: the she said, he said.
S2: Yes, I think you're right, Chris. I think far better
S2: to just talk about a desire to get to know
S2: the daughter, to spend time just to kind of catch
S2: up with each other and not bring the other up. Uh, yeah.
S2: Because probably I'm just guessing, probably in the early stages
S2: of all this, he told them that that, that their
S2: mother was lying. And so they, you know, they're just
S2: now he's bringing it up again. So I think you're right.
S2: It's not the place to start. It's just to start
S2: to have a have a desire. I would love to
S2: sit down and just have a conversation and catch up
S2: with each other.
S3: Yeah. All right. The next question. This is building relationships
S3: with Doctor Gary Chapman. My son and his wife have
S3: cut me out of their lives, which means I have
S3: no contact with my grandchildren. I want to attend a
S3: school event for my granddaughter. Now, this was actually a
S3: question that came up for Doctor Kathy Cook, our mutual
S3: friend Gary, uh, who's written about this. And I want
S3: to see if you agree with her because this is
S3: a very specific question. So I want to attend a
S3: school event. I've texted my son repeatedly. He does not
S3: respond to texts. He does not respond to letters that
S3: I send him. What do you think I should do
S3: about this school event? Can I attend without their permission?
S2: To me, 2 or 3 things would be factors. One
S2: is what is the event? Mhm. You know, is it
S2: a small meeting of celebrating something in a classroom? Is
S2: it something much larger than that where she could be
S2: in a larger crowd, you know, sitting way back on
S2: the back row somewhere. I think that would be a factor.
S2: And also whether her granddaughter knows her at all. I'm
S2: assuming she does that there just at some point they
S2: drew back and not letting her see see them. But
S2: I don't I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go
S2: to something if it's a, you know, really, really important
S2: event with a large group of people around. If it's
S2: a smaller thing, I would say no. On the other hand,
S2: you know, just seeing your granddaughter from a distance and
S2: maybe forcing yourself in to say hello to her or
S2: something while you're there may make it even worse in
S2: terms of your, your son's response.
S3: Yes.
S2: Because if you've sent him a text asking permission to
S2: do this and he's not responding and you do it anyway,
S2: you may make things worse.
S3: But okay, I'm going to jump in here because that's
S3: exactly what Doctor Cook said. She said, at the end
S3: of the day, it's like, what is your goal? You
S3: want a relationship not only with the grandkids but also
S3: with your son. And if you step over this line
S3: right here, it may have implications, ramifications down the road that,
S3: you know, you've broken the trust that you've said that
S3: you won't do this, and then you did that so
S3: that it's it's kind of scary how you two think alike.
S2: Well, we probably have dealt with similar things through the years. Exactly.
S3: So is that the is that the case? Do you
S3: have to think? I've got to think of it's almost
S3: like you're playing chess with this relational thing. I'm not
S3: just thinking about me and my needs and me and
S3: my desire to love my granddaughter, but also the rest
S3: of the family. And what's going to happen there, right?
S2: Yeah, absolutely. Because, you know, there's possibility that years down
S2: the road, when the when the daughter, the granddaughter gets
S2: to be an adult, she may want to find out
S2: her about her grandmother. She may she may go looking
S2: for her grandmother, but for the grandmother to try to
S2: force herself in there in objection to the son, I don't.
S2: I think it would probably make things worse.
S3: Yeah, that's where a good journal will come in. Or letters,
S3: you know, letters to my granddaughter while they were separated,
S3: not to send them to her, but to keep them.
S3: And this is what I was thinking about, thinking about you.
S3: Here's how I was praying for you. That kind of
S3: thing could be a great gift down the road, don't
S3: you think?
S2: Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.
S3: All right. Gary, here is a person who says, I
S3: need help, and this is where you're going to jump in.
S3: How do you handle it when your 20 year old
S3: son moves back into your home? But he has walked
S3: away from the Christian path he was raised on. She
S3: and her son are essentially roommates, she says, who don't
S3: engage with each other and she doesn't know what to do.
S3: What do you say?
S2: Well, it sounds like there's no father involved when she
S2: says it's just the two of us and we're just roommates.
S2: I don't know if there's a father there or not,
S2: but if there is a father in the home, her husband.
S2: I would suggest that they together talk about this situation
S2: and what needs to be done. Also how old the
S2: son is, you know, like whether is he's just out
S2: of college or he dropped out of college or, or
S2: is he 27 and has had all kind of drug
S2: problems and other things? I mean, knowing his situation would
S2: be really important here in terms of what what she
S2: might do. Does he have a job or does he
S2: not have a job if he's moved back home? It's
S2: with many times, it's because they can't afford to have
S2: an apartment and or they've had a marriage that they've
S2: walked out of or something else. So all those things
S2: would would be important to know before you could decide
S2: really what to do in a situation like this. She says,
S2: we have basically have no contact. It's hard to imagine
S2: that you wouldn't have some conversation. Uh, one of my
S2: questions would be, are you sharing meals together? Do you
S2: prepare any meal for him or does he do his
S2: own meal and you do your own meal? I mean,
S2: if he's living in the house, there must be some contact.
S2: So I would just say, begin with whatever contact you have.
S2: If you do serve him a meal, uh, you know,
S2: and talk about where is he going? This is true.
S2: Whether there's a father there or whether there's not, is
S2: what is his plans for the future? Because you're not
S2: going to always be there for him to live with you.
S2: And if he's not doing something productive with his life,
S2: he needs help. It's I know it's a hard situation,
S2: but there has to be some conversation with with him
S2: if we're going to make any progress at all. Yeah. Uh,
S2: and you may say to him, I just want us
S2: to talk about what would be most helpful for you
S2: at this juncture in your life. Because obviously I want
S2: to help you. Uh, and you don't have to believe
S2: what I believe. I'm not trying to force you to
S2: be a Christian. I'm just saying, uh, you know, I
S2: want us to talk about what I can do that
S2: would make this a most meaningful time for you. Because obviously,
S2: this is not a long term plan that you're going
S2: to live with me the rest of your life. Uh,
S2: I can't imagine that that would give you a deep
S2: satisfaction in life. I'm sure that you have some things
S2: you'd like to accomplish. And, uh, if I can help
S2: you accomplish those things, then that's what I would like
S2: to do. But you know, that kind of conversation. Not
S2: a condemning conversation, but a questioning time in which you're
S2: just trying to understand what his thoughts are in terms
S2: of what in this time would be helpful for him.
S3: You know, the other which you do with the five
S3: love languages. The other thing that I think of is,
S3: wouldn't it be great for the son to come to
S3: the mom and say, hey, mom, what do you what
S3: do you get out of this? Me being moving back
S3: in here? What, what's your ideal hope for the two
S3: of us being in the same house now? I'm not
S3: Pollyanna enough to think that that's going to happen on
S3: his own, but for him to be able to get
S3: out of his own head and to say what's, you know,
S3: what are you you want to have a conversation each day?
S3: Do you want to have a meal together? That'd be, uh,
S3: you know, something that that would, if he's listening, do
S3: that for your mom and something good is going to happen,
S3: don't you think?
S2: Absolutely. Because she's frustrated. apparently not knowing even what's on
S2: his mind. What does he hope is going to come
S2: out of this situation, you know? Yeah yeah yeah. No,
S2: if he if he's hearing if he's listening, certainly you
S2: if you want what's best for you and her, take
S2: the initiative to say, mom, let's talk about, you know, what, what,
S2: what I need to be doing right now.
S3: Yes. Okay. A lot of these written questions are about estrangement,
S3: but here's one that is specifically about money. And the
S3: person says, I have a struggle with allowing my adult
S3: children to borrow money from me. My parents were dependent
S3: on their parents for money and it ended badly. And
S3: she worries that this could cause problems with her kids
S3: one day. And she has a lot of anxiety about
S3: the situation. And then she adds, the dependence on me
S3: has not happened with my children, but I live in
S3: anxiety that it will and I don't know how to
S3: stop the anxiety. What would you say to her?
S2: Well, I can understand how our past experience she's talking
S2: about her parents were dependent on their parents, and it
S2: didn't end end well. So she's got she's being influenced
S2: by that illustration, by that what happened to them? She
S2: has anxiety based on what happened to her parents, even
S2: though her children are not at this point, even asking
S2: her to borrow money from her or to for her
S2: to give them money. So I think she has to
S2: come into the real world, not the world of her
S2: observation of her parents. She's allowing something that they did
S2: to give her anxiety because she didn't want to go
S2: through what they went through. So all she has to
S2: do if and when her children do come to her, uh,
S2: for money is to say to them, you know, honey.
S2: And then she just tells them the story of what
S2: happened to her parents and how that all ended. And
S2: to say to those, to her children, then I just
S2: can't do it, honey, because I can't feel like it
S2: would be good for you. Or maybe even maybe even now, uh,
S2: if she's, if she's having so much anxiety about this,
S2: maybe to sit down with her children even before they
S2: ever ask her for money and just say, honey, I
S2: just want to share something with you. I don't know
S2: if you know this about your grandparents or not, but
S2: I want to share this with you and all that
S2: went on and just let you know that I hope
S2: you never have to come to me for money. I mean,
S2: I have done everything I can to help you all,
S2: and you all have jobs and you know, and I
S2: don't think you ever will. But I just want you
S2: to know, uh, if you need money. I don't want
S2: to go through that same scenario again. So can we
S2: just agree that if you have to have money, sometimes
S2: you you can get a loan from a bank or
S2: somewhere like that. Yeah, I think just sharing her experience
S2: and how she was impacted by that to them before
S2: they ever come to ask for money might be a
S2: positive interchange.
S3: Got one more for you and this very short, but
S3: I think there are a lot of parents who are
S3: right there. How do you reconnect with an adult son
S3: who's living a gay lifestyle?
S2: Well, I think God is our example in everything. And
S2: the Bible says God loved us while we were still
S2: sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So I
S2: think that's the model for us. We are to love
S2: our children, even if their lifestyle is something we don't
S2: believe is in keeping with God's plan. It doesn't mean
S2: we agree with it. It doesn't mean that we affirm
S2: them and what they're doing, but it does mean that
S2: we communicate to them, I love you no matter what
S2: you do. You can say to them, you know how
S2: I feel about this. You know what the scriptures teach.
S2: And you know I'm committed to God's plans and I
S2: understand that there can be attraction, same sex attraction. I
S2: do understand that. But I do know we don't have
S2: to live that lifestyle. But I want you to know
S2: I love you and I am willing to have a
S2: relationship with you. I don't want to cut you off.
S2: I'm willing to have conversations with you. Uh, I cannot
S2: endorse that, obviously, but I do love you, and I
S2: want what's best for you. That kind of approach, I think,
S2: is the is a positive approach. It's living by what
S2: you believe to be the truth and acknowledging that you
S2: love them in spite of the fact that they are breaking,
S2: you know, something that you hold very strongly. So you're
S2: not denying your belief in God, but you're also recognizing
S2: they are adults and you're going to allow them to
S2: make their own decisions, but you're going to love them
S2: even with whatever decision they make. I think that's that's
S2: what God does. And it's the love of God that
S2: often brings people to repentance. And it's the love of
S2: a parent that often helps. Helps children know that they.
S2: Even though I've gone against what they believe to be right,
S2: they still love me. Prodigal son's father did not go
S2: after him and try to bring him back. He waited
S2: until the circumstances of life and his lifestyle brought him
S2: to the hog pen, where he was feeding hogs to
S2: make a living, and then decided himself, I'm going to
S2: go home. I'd rather just get a job on the
S2: farm with my father than to live this lifestyle. And
S2: he came home. And what did he find? His father
S2: had open arms for him. So we don't go out
S2: and try to make our children do what we believe
S2: is right. Our adult children. But we do stand with
S2: open arms whenever they are ready to come back. And
S2: whatever they've done, we are willing to forgive.
S3: Watching and waiting and ready with the robe and the
S3: ring and the great big hug and the and and
S3: the tears. My sons come home. Uh, that I was
S3: thinking of the same thing as you were answering that, Gary.
S3: And we hope that something here in this conversation, this
S3: hour has helped you, has encouraged you, maybe comforted you
S3: a little bit, and look at the vulnerability of the
S3: people who got in touch with us. You can do
S3: that same thing for somebody else. If you want to
S3: make a comment about something said here today or you
S3: have a question for Doctor Chapman. 1866424. Gary. It can
S3: be about the love languages or anything in your relationships. (866) 424-4279.
S3: And if you go to the website building relationships.us you'll
S3: see our featured resource, the five Love Languages Military Edition,
S3: again at building relationships.us.
S2: And next week, the president of Dallas Theological Seminary provides
S2: six essentials for reviving your faith.
S1: Don't miss. Doctor Mark Yarbrough in one week. A big
S1: thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice backing.
S1: Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of
S1: Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a Ministry of
S1: Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.