WEBVTT - Dear Gary | May 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.640 If you're struggling in your marriage or with an adult child, 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:07.520 don't miss today's Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:10.319 So we don't go out and try to make our 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:13.720 children do what we believe is right. Our adult children. 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:16.960 But we do stand with open arms whenever they are 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:20.560 ready to come back. And whatever they've done, we are 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:21.599 willing to forgive. 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:30.000 Welcome to Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:33.960 The New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages. Today, 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:36.600 it's our May edition of Dear Gary as we feature 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:38.600 your questions to our host. 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:41.120 That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:44.080 ready for your questions and comments. We have a phone 0:00:44.080 --> 0:00:46.160 number for you to call if you want to ask 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:51.199 Doctor Chapman a question on a future program, it's 86642 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:56.840 for Gary again 186642 for Gary. 0:00:57.000 --> 0:01:01.220 And we have a featured resource at our website, building relationships.us. 0:01:02.060 --> 0:01:05.660 It's the five Love Languages Military edition. Just go to 0:01:05.700 --> 0:01:08.500 Building relationships.us to find out more. 0:01:09.180 --> 0:01:12.979 Now, with this being Memorial Day weekend, Memorial Day coming 0:01:12.980 --> 0:01:15.580 up Monday, Gary, I know you have a heart for 0:01:15.580 --> 0:01:18.660 those who serve in the military who are active duty 0:01:18.700 --> 0:01:22.020 right now around the globe, their family members who are 0:01:22.020 --> 0:01:25.660 constantly praying. And then for Memorial Day. This is a 0:01:25.660 --> 0:01:28.700 hard holiday for many, as they remember those who died 0:01:28.860 --> 0:01:32.300 in service to our country. So jump in here. What 0:01:32.620 --> 0:01:34.980 stirs in your heart for Memorial Day? 0:01:35.540 --> 0:01:39.619 Well, you know, Chris, I always reflect upon people who 0:01:39.620 --> 0:01:45.380 have lost someone in the military because, listen, thousands and 0:01:45.380 --> 0:01:49.460 thousands have given their lives in military service. Uh, if 0:01:49.460 --> 0:01:52.140 a person in your family, even if it's not your 0:01:52.260 --> 0:01:55.420 immediate family, but your extended family, I think your mind 0:01:55.460 --> 0:01:57.990 always goes back to them on this day. And I 0:01:57.990 --> 0:02:01.070 think it's good that we have a day like this 0:02:01.070 --> 0:02:04.710 to remember. But you're right. I love military couples. I 0:02:04.710 --> 0:02:08.390 really appreciate what they're doing. I also understand the the 0:02:08.430 --> 0:02:12.030 stress often that is put upon the marriage when they're 0:02:12.030 --> 0:02:17.270 deployed and other things. And so that's why I really, uh, 0:02:17.470 --> 0:02:20.630 speak to military couples as often as I can, uh, 0:02:20.630 --> 0:02:22.950 and try to give them practical ideas on how to 0:02:22.990 --> 0:02:25.990 have the kind of marriage that they not only wanted, 0:02:25.990 --> 0:02:29.190 but the kind of marriage they need that's loving and 0:02:29.190 --> 0:02:33.190 supportive and caring and understanding and where they're there for 0:02:33.190 --> 0:02:36.150 each other. So I'm hoping that on Memorial Day, there'll 0:02:36.190 --> 0:02:39.109 be many across the country who are praying for families 0:02:39.110 --> 0:02:41.590 who are in the military, as well as those who 0:02:41.630 --> 0:02:44.669 have lost family members in service. 0:02:44.710 --> 0:02:46.669 Yeah. You know, you made me think about I grew 0:02:46.669 --> 0:02:49.910 up in a real small town in West Virginia in 0:02:49.910 --> 0:02:55.350 the 1960s, and there was a young man who was 0:02:55.530 --> 0:03:00.609 getting ready to come back from Vietnam and was killed 0:03:00.610 --> 0:03:04.530 in in battle in. Just as he was riding around 0:03:04.530 --> 0:03:08.330 in a Jeep. And that just made a real impact 0:03:08.330 --> 0:03:11.890 on me as a child, you know, and this one 0:03:11.889 --> 0:03:16.290 family in our little town. And then you add to that, 0:03:16.290 --> 0:03:19.890 then those who came back from whatever conflict it was 0:03:20.330 --> 0:03:25.090 with post-traumatic stress disorder and are dealing with the fallout 0:03:25.130 --> 0:03:29.250 of what they experienced in in battle. And you've got 0:03:29.290 --> 0:03:31.970 kind of the perfect storm. So all of that comes 0:03:31.970 --> 0:03:35.130 together for me as I think about Memorial Day. 0:03:35.610 --> 0:03:38.690 And I think that's true for many people today, Chris, 0:03:38.690 --> 0:03:40.570 and that's why I really am glad that we have 0:03:40.570 --> 0:03:44.410 a day set aside in our country to remember people 0:03:44.410 --> 0:03:48.290 who have gone through this with family members. You know, 0:03:48.410 --> 0:03:51.850 life is not easy and wars have been a part 0:03:51.850 --> 0:03:56.020 of human culture as long as we trace back. Uh, 0:03:56.020 --> 0:03:58.980 and they will continue. And so I just think we 0:03:58.980 --> 0:04:02.660 have to recognize those who are serving. And then also 0:04:02.660 --> 0:04:04.940 remember those who gave their lives. 0:04:05.140 --> 0:04:09.100 Yes. The Five Love Languages military edition is our featured 0:04:09.100 --> 0:04:11.420 resource today. You can find out more about that at 0:04:11.420 --> 0:04:18.339 Building relationships.us real quickly on that, uh, military physical touch 0:04:18.380 --> 0:04:20.339 is something that, you know, if you have a long 0:04:20.339 --> 0:04:23.940 distance between here and the Middle East or wherever the 0:04:23.940 --> 0:04:28.620 person is deployed, uh, male or female, that having that 0:04:28.620 --> 0:04:32.300 kind of relationship and, you know, you can't be physically 0:04:32.300 --> 0:04:35.180 there with them. What do you say about that long 0:04:35.180 --> 0:04:36.980 distance love language? 0:04:37.380 --> 0:04:39.860 Well, you know, in my book on the five love 0:04:39.860 --> 0:04:45.940 languages for military couples, I got real life illustrations, uh, 0:04:45.940 --> 0:04:48.500 on how do you speak physical touch when you're half 0:04:48.500 --> 0:04:51.540 a world away? Uh, one lady said, for example, I 0:04:51.540 --> 0:04:55.440 knew my husband's language was physical touch. So while he 0:04:55.440 --> 0:04:58.600 was deployed, I traced my hand on a sheet of 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:02.880 paper and mailed it to him with a note that said, 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:06.200 put your hand on my hand. I want to hold 0:05:06.200 --> 0:05:09.920 your hand. And when he came home some months later, 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:12.240 he said to me, you know, Gary, every time I 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:15.400 put my hand on that paper, I felt her. And 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:18.280 then a man said, well, I knew her language was 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:22.760 physical touch. So before I left, I said to her, honey, 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:25.800 I'm going to leave this jean jacket here anytime you 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:29.680 need a hug. You put it on and I'll hug you. Wow. 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:31.800 And she told me later, she said, every time I 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:35.000 put it on, I felt his arms around me. So 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:38.240 there are practical ways to express physical touch, even if 0:05:38.279 --> 0:05:40.760 you're half a world away in deployment. 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:44.240 Wow. I saw that very thing on a reel the 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:48.960 other day, and it was two girls opening a present. 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.779 It might have been at Christmas, and they opened and 0:05:52.779 --> 0:05:56.339 both of the girls just started to weep. And what 0:05:56.339 --> 0:05:59.060 you didn't know as you watched this was that their 0:05:59.060 --> 0:06:04.779 father had passed away, but their mom had put together this, uh, 0:06:05.220 --> 0:06:09.299 you know, a robe that was built out of or 0:06:09.300 --> 0:06:14.020 sewn together a lot of his old shirts. And and 0:06:14.060 --> 0:06:17.180 she said, you know, put this on your dad left 0:06:17.180 --> 0:06:20.619 these so that you could, anytime you felt like you 0:06:20.660 --> 0:06:23.500 needed a hug, you could put this on. And one 0:06:23.500 --> 0:06:27.020 of the girls, uh, held that up to her nose 0:06:27.020 --> 0:06:30.219 and she said, it smells like dad, you didn't wash it. 0:06:30.220 --> 0:06:33.060 And she said, right. I didn't wash it because I 0:06:33.060 --> 0:06:36.979 wanted you. And there's all the senses coming back that, 0:06:37.220 --> 0:06:39.700 you know, just seeing that, of course, I had to 0:06:39.740 --> 0:06:43.700 pull myself up from the floor in tears. But that 0:06:43.700 --> 0:06:45.580 speaks volumes, doesn't it? 0:06:45.779 --> 0:06:49.589 Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. You know, and in the in the 0:06:49.589 --> 0:06:52.070 book for the military couples, we give ideas like that 0:06:52.070 --> 0:06:54.550 on all five of the love languages, how to speak 0:06:54.550 --> 0:06:57.909 them when you're deployed, which is so important in meeting 0:06:57.910 --> 0:07:01.190 each other's emotional needs while you're in the military. 0:07:02.029 --> 0:07:06.029 Now, this month, Gary, in this conversation, I'm going to 0:07:06.070 --> 0:07:08.870 use written questions for you. And so I'm going to 0:07:08.870 --> 0:07:12.110 be the person on the phone and ask you this 0:07:12.150 --> 0:07:17.510 in the first person who wrote us is actually from Europe. Hello, Gary. 0:07:17.510 --> 0:07:20.990 I received your book, The Five Love Languages from my wife. 0:07:21.230 --> 0:07:24.670 We are currently going through a difficult time. Over the years, 0:07:24.670 --> 0:07:27.830 I failed to understand how to fill her love tank. 0:07:28.070 --> 0:07:30.630 As a result, she told me that after all these 0:07:30.670 --> 0:07:34.470 years of emotional disappointment, she still enjoys being with me 0:07:34.470 --> 0:07:38.310 as a friend but no longer loves me. The moment 0:07:38.310 --> 0:07:41.870 I heard that completely shook me to the core. I 0:07:41.910 --> 0:07:44.110 know that I am not someone who talks much about 0:07:44.110 --> 0:07:46.550 my feelings, and by nature I am more of a 0:07:46.690 --> 0:07:50.490 deep ocean type, but I always believed that through my 0:07:50.490 --> 0:07:53.770 actions and small gestures, she would recognize how much I 0:07:53.810 --> 0:07:56.890 love her. When I started reading your book, I found 0:07:56.890 --> 0:08:00.210 many parallels to my own behavior, especially in the first 0:08:00.210 --> 0:08:04.130 two love languages words of affirmation and quality time. It 0:08:04.130 --> 0:08:06.930 made me realize how my actions must have felt to 0:08:06.970 --> 0:08:10.330 my wife, and it no longer surprises me why her 0:08:10.330 --> 0:08:14.410 love tank is empty and why she feels unloved. What 0:08:14.410 --> 0:08:17.330 makes it especially painful is that she did bring this 0:08:17.330 --> 0:08:21.010 up in the past, but I never truly understood it. 0:08:21.170 --> 0:08:24.130 For a short time, it became more aware and changed 0:08:24.130 --> 0:08:28.530 my behavior briefly. This gave her hope again and again, 0:08:28.690 --> 0:08:32.850 only for that hope to be disappointed. Unfortunately, I didn't 0:08:32.850 --> 0:08:35.170 know your book back then. I don't know if I 0:08:35.170 --> 0:08:37.689 should wish that I had read it earlier, because that 0:08:37.690 --> 0:08:40.130 might sound like I'm blaming her for not giving it 0:08:40.130 --> 0:08:43.689 to me sooner, which is absolutely not the case. Rather, 0:08:43.690 --> 0:08:47.260 I simply wish I had understood earlier what was troubling her. 0:08:47.620 --> 0:08:51.220 Better late than never. And then he says, through your book, 0:08:51.260 --> 0:08:55.100 I've learned what my own love language is. However, I 0:08:55.100 --> 0:08:57.820 still need to learn what my wife's love language is, 0:08:57.860 --> 0:09:00.980 and to speak it consistently so that our love can 0:09:01.020 --> 0:09:05.100 grow again. Even though it certainly won't happen overnight, I 0:09:05.140 --> 0:09:08.220 am hopeful that it can work. I would like to 0:09:08.220 --> 0:09:10.740 thank you from the bottom of my heart for your book. 0:09:10.780 --> 0:09:12.860 Since she has told me that she still wants to 0:09:12.900 --> 0:09:16.699 be friends but does not have any love for me, 0:09:17.059 --> 0:09:19.939 do you see any hope for us moving forward? 0:09:20.980 --> 0:09:25.300 Well, my short answer is yes. I do see hope. 0:09:26.260 --> 0:09:30.260 I can understand how you might question is there any 0:09:30.300 --> 0:09:32.900 hope when she is saying what she has just said 0:09:32.900 --> 0:09:36.300 to you, that she doesn't love you? And you also 0:09:36.300 --> 0:09:39.300 requested you said you need to learn to speak her 0:09:39.300 --> 0:09:43.140 love language. I'm thinking maybe you know her love language. 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.800 You just need to learn how to speak it. If 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.760 I'm understanding you correctly. If not, I would say make 0:09:49.800 --> 0:09:53.160 sure she's taken the quiz and and ask her. I 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:55.800 want to know what your first love language is, your 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:59.160 primary and your secondary. Because I want to learn how 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:02.160 to express my love to you because I do love you. 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:07.000 I think also to be understanding when she says, I don't, 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:09.680 I don't have any love for you. I think she's 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:14.200 talking about she doesn't have any love feelings for you. Uh, 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:17.400 because her love tank is empty and you haven't spoken 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:20.040 her language, you know, through the years. And so she 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:23.880 doesn't have positive feelings. Uh, you know, those positive feelings 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:27.559 when we first get married? Uh, we're still in love, 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:30.680 you know? And we didn't choose to be in love. 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:34.040 That just happens to us. But it doesn't last forever. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:36.480 And we discussed that in the book. We come down 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:39.120 off that high, and that's where we have to learn 0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:42.380 how to communicate love. So she's lost the feelings. But 0:10:42.740 --> 0:10:45.740 that doesn't mean the feelings can't come back. Because if 0:10:45.780 --> 0:10:50.260 you can consistently, over a significant period of time, not 0:10:50.260 --> 0:10:53.340 only know her primary and secondary languages, but you're speaking 0:10:53.340 --> 0:10:57.220 them on a regular basis. Yes, those love feelings can 0:10:57.220 --> 0:11:00.339 come back. Uh, and so if she's not, I don't 0:11:00.380 --> 0:11:02.900 know if she's leaving you or moved out. I don't 0:11:03.059 --> 0:11:06.260 I'm not really clear in terms of whether or she's 0:11:06.260 --> 0:11:08.260 still in the house, but she's just telling you, I 0:11:08.260 --> 0:11:11.180 just want to be friends now. But I think if 0:11:11.220 --> 0:11:13.940 you have contact with her, which it sounds like you do, 0:11:14.380 --> 0:11:18.140 if you can communicate to her, I realize that I 0:11:18.260 --> 0:11:21.820 have failed in not knowing how to speak your love language. 0:11:22.300 --> 0:11:24.939 In my mind. I was loving you when I washed dishes. 0:11:24.940 --> 0:11:27.380 ET cetera. ET cetera. Which it sounds like what you 0:11:27.380 --> 0:11:32.020 were saying. Acts of service. But I realize now what's happened, 0:11:32.179 --> 0:11:34.180 and I want you to know that now that you've 0:11:34.179 --> 0:11:36.579 given me that book and I've read it and understand it, 0:11:36.860 --> 0:11:40.150 I want to learn how to love you, And I 0:11:40.150 --> 0:11:43.070 understand you don't have love feelings for me. But I 0:11:43.070 --> 0:11:45.150 do love you, and I just want to learn how 0:11:45.150 --> 0:11:47.470 to express it in a way that's meaningful to you. 0:11:47.510 --> 0:11:51.550 You take that approach. It will not happen overnight. You're right, 0:11:51.550 --> 0:11:54.990 and I'm glad you recognize that. But I think consistently 0:11:54.990 --> 0:11:58.390 over a period of time, uh, the love feelings can 0:11:58.390 --> 0:12:02.189 come back. Now, unless she is already involved with someone 0:12:02.190 --> 0:12:05.790 else outside the marriage. And if she's got love feelings 0:12:05.790 --> 0:12:09.630 for someone else, it's going to be very difficult because 0:12:09.630 --> 0:12:13.270 she's taking that. Now I've got the real thing this time. 0:12:13.270 --> 0:12:16.870 This person really loves me. She may not understand that 0:12:16.870 --> 0:12:19.350 that's going to be temporary, and she'll come down off 0:12:19.350 --> 0:12:22.990 that in-love experience, but it makes it much more difficult 0:12:22.990 --> 0:12:26.790 if she is involved with someone else, much more likely 0:12:26.790 --> 0:12:30.870 that she'll eventually warm up if she's not already involved 0:12:30.870 --> 0:12:31.790 with someone else. 0:12:32.190 --> 0:12:32.670 Mhm. 0:12:33.510 --> 0:12:38.050 How does he not let the regret of. And he 0:12:38.050 --> 0:12:40.130 even expressed it in here. I don't want to say 0:12:40.130 --> 0:12:42.210 this because it make her feel bad that she didn't 0:12:42.210 --> 0:12:44.650 give me the the book earlier and that, you know, 0:12:44.690 --> 0:12:49.209 that's not true. But how does he avoid having that regret? 0:12:49.570 --> 0:12:52.809 Grab a hold of him and and keep him from 0:12:52.809 --> 0:12:54.770 moving forward? Does that make sense? 0:12:55.010 --> 0:12:57.650 Yeah. Well, I think it's natural that he would feel 0:12:57.650 --> 0:13:01.569 regret because any time you're faced with the reality that 0:13:01.570 --> 0:13:04.370 your spouse no longer loves you because you have not 0:13:04.370 --> 0:13:09.370 communicated love to them, uh, you you do regret, but 0:13:09.610 --> 0:13:14.010 you can't allow the regret to get you on a 0:13:14.050 --> 0:13:18.329 downward trend to being discouraged and depressed and, and all 0:13:18.370 --> 0:13:20.170 of that, because that's not going to help you or 0:13:20.170 --> 0:13:22.810 her or anyone else. So I think you have to 0:13:22.890 --> 0:13:28.010 communicate to her a sincere apology, acknowledging, you know, and 0:13:28.010 --> 0:13:31.970 how deeply, how badly you feel that you failed in 0:13:32.010 --> 0:13:36.980 meeting her need for love and let her know. I 0:13:37.020 --> 0:13:39.260 don't know if you can give me another chance or not, 0:13:39.260 --> 0:13:42.179 but I really feel like that now. I've got the 0:13:42.179 --> 0:13:46.420 information I need, and I believe with God's help, I 0:13:46.420 --> 0:13:49.460 can communicate love to you in a meaningful way. And 0:13:49.460 --> 0:13:51.780 that's what I. That's what I desire. That's what I 0:13:51.780 --> 0:13:55.340 want to do. So I think we just acknowledged that, 0:13:55.380 --> 0:13:59.660 you know, we feel discouraged, depressed, whatever else we're feeling 0:14:00.059 --> 0:14:03.860 and acknowledge it to God and ask God's forgiveness as well. 0:14:05.220 --> 0:14:08.580 Isn't it interesting how the vulnerability of a man from 0:14:08.580 --> 0:14:12.660 Europe is sending an email? Sending a letter like that 0:14:12.660 --> 0:14:16.340 can stir things in. And I could tell there are 0:14:16.340 --> 0:14:19.500 listeners right now who are saying I felt the same way. 0:14:19.580 --> 0:14:22.620 So if you would like to ask a question of 0:14:22.620 --> 0:14:25.820 Doctor Chapman, or maybe to even tell a story from 0:14:25.820 --> 0:14:29.740 your own life in a vulnerable way that might help 0:14:29.740 --> 0:14:34.960 somebody else, here's the number. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two four. Gary. 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:37.280 You can call that number. Leave a message and you 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:44.600 might hear your voice on a future. Dear Gary broadcast (866) 424-4279. 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:50.040 Here's an anonymous email. A person who left a message 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:53.360 who said, Gary, I'm a mother in law. My husband 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:56.280 and I live far from our grandchildren, and we travel 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:59.520 to see them and spend winters where they live. My 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:02.360 problem is that my daughters in law treat us more 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:06.720 like a business than family. We get rigid restrictions on 0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:10.560 seeing them. It feels like we're interfering with their lives. 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:12.920 They love the Lord as we do, and I pray 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:16.640 for a relationship that's based on love and mutual respect. 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:21.320 I don't know how to stop hurting. What would you 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:23.000 say to that mother in law? 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:27.360 Well, first of all, I would be empathetic because I 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:31.000 think any time that we, our children, grow up and 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:35.340 get married and move off, you know, and particularly if 0:15:35.340 --> 0:15:38.900 they have children which become our grandchildren, we want to 0:15:38.900 --> 0:15:43.340 have a loving relationship, we want to be involved with them. 0:15:44.060 --> 0:15:47.180 And it sounds like if they spend the whole winter 0:15:47.620 --> 0:15:51.540 close to each other, you know, geographically, uh, I think 0:15:51.540 --> 0:15:55.900 I would, uh, begin to reflect upon why they may 0:15:55.900 --> 0:16:02.500 have restrictions. Sometimes it's because unknowingly we who are the 0:16:02.500 --> 0:16:08.620 grandparents might just stop in to see them, uh, on 0:16:08.660 --> 0:16:12.540 any occasion, uh, without letting them know. I've run into 0:16:12.540 --> 0:16:17.140 this several times in my counseling and they, they would 0:16:17.140 --> 0:16:20.220 prefer that you call and find out, would this be 0:16:20.220 --> 0:16:22.740 a good time to come by and see the grandchildren? 0:16:23.180 --> 0:16:28.020 Or how about Thursday afternoon or whatever? They have schedules. 0:16:28.020 --> 0:16:32.750 And so you can't just drop in. You need to 0:16:32.750 --> 0:16:35.630 fit into their schedule, I understand. You want it to 0:16:35.670 --> 0:16:37.670 just be so loving and kind. You can stop by 0:16:37.670 --> 0:16:41.150 any time, but I wouldn't take the restrictions they have 0:16:41.150 --> 0:16:44.110 in terms of when and where and all that as 0:16:44.110 --> 0:16:47.230 being that they don't want you to have a relationship. 0:16:47.230 --> 0:16:50.590 It's just that they're trying to keep their marriage together 0:16:50.590 --> 0:16:53.670 and their relationship with the children going in a positive way. 0:16:53.950 --> 0:16:56.910 And it has you have to be fitted into the schedule. 0:16:57.110 --> 0:16:59.950 So I don't know if that helps you kind of 0:16:59.990 --> 0:17:04.470 back off and not feel badly, so badly about what 0:17:04.510 --> 0:17:06.949 the situation is. But I do think we have to 0:17:06.990 --> 0:17:12.030 respect the guidelines of our adult children that they have 0:17:12.030 --> 0:17:15.550 in terms of when and where we interface with each other. 0:17:15.590 --> 0:17:16.030 Yes. 0:17:16.310 --> 0:17:21.990 It sounds like she's taking the the rules, restrictions, whatever 0:17:21.990 --> 0:17:25.910 and schedules. She's taking that personally, that this shows that 0:17:25.910 --> 0:17:29.850 you don't really care about us as much as we 0:17:29.890 --> 0:17:34.369 care about you and the grandkids. When what you're saying is, 0:17:34.850 --> 0:17:38.970 when she mentions it feels like we're interfering. Well, maybe 0:17:38.970 --> 0:17:43.330 you are, but it's not a malicious interference. It's just 0:17:43.330 --> 0:17:46.889 that you have to put yourself in their shoes, right? 0:17:47.290 --> 0:17:49.730 Yeah, absolutely. I remember a couple who said to me, 0:17:50.290 --> 0:17:52.570 you know, it was a we had planned a nice 0:17:52.570 --> 0:17:55.890 romantic evening, put the kids to bed early. And my 0:17:55.890 --> 0:18:00.169 wife and I. And then the doorbell rings and in walked, 0:18:00.210 --> 0:18:04.330 you know, her mom and dad and our whole plan 0:18:04.330 --> 0:18:09.649 that we had for the evening goes out the window. Uh, okay. 0:18:10.050 --> 0:18:14.090 If you could be empathetic if you understood that. And 0:18:14.090 --> 0:18:18.409 I told him, uh, to, to tell, uh, the father 0:18:18.410 --> 0:18:21.490 in law what happened, I said, and he'll take care 0:18:21.490 --> 0:18:28.300 of that, you know? But, uh, but it's a lot 0:18:28.300 --> 0:18:32.020 of it has to do with scheduling rather than being spontaneous. 0:18:32.500 --> 0:18:34.939 And I know that, you know, we would like to 0:18:34.940 --> 0:18:37.940 think we can just drop in anytime and, and pick 0:18:37.980 --> 0:18:39.780 up the kids and go do things with them. But 0:18:39.780 --> 0:18:42.459 the kids have things to do also if depending on 0:18:42.500 --> 0:18:44.939 their age, but if they're in school, they've got things 0:18:44.940 --> 0:18:47.540 that they have to be involved in as well. So 0:18:47.700 --> 0:18:51.100 I would just try not to be so judgmental, uh, 0:18:51.100 --> 0:18:55.340 in terms of attributing, you know, negative attitudes toward them. 0:18:55.780 --> 0:18:58.380 And if you need to talk with your, your son 0:18:58.380 --> 0:19:01.380 and just say, uh, you know, honey, can you explain 0:19:01.380 --> 0:19:03.700 it to me? I just, I don't, we don't want 0:19:03.700 --> 0:19:06.660 to be a bother, but, you know, we love you 0:19:06.660 --> 0:19:10.659 all and we love the grandkids. And chances are he 0:19:10.660 --> 0:19:13.660 can explain to you what, what, what's happening and what 0:19:13.660 --> 0:19:19.340 has caused, you know, them to have strict regulations and 0:19:19.380 --> 0:19:23.659 restrict what you're calling rigid restrictions, because the only way 0:19:23.660 --> 0:19:25.880 you can really know what's on their heart is for 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.440 them to share what's on their heart. 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:30.520 I think if you'd have put me in that situation 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:33.280 with the romantic dinner and the and the doorbell rings, 0:19:33.280 --> 0:19:36.560 I'd have blown out the candles and grabbed Andrea and 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:41.000 gotten behind the couch and just waited till they went away. No, 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:44.920 I wouldn't, but I'd have thought about it. Okay, this 0:19:44.920 --> 0:19:48.160 is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. The Five Love 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:54.280 Languages Military Edition is our featured resource at building relationships.us, 0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:58.119 building relationships.us, and our phone number. If you want to 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:00.600 leave a message for Gary for a future dear Gary 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:05.720 broadcast is 86642 for Gary. We'd love to hear your situation. 0:20:05.720 --> 0:20:09.320 Maybe a positive comment about what the five love languages 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:12.720 has meant in your own marriage, in your life. Just 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:17.800 call 86642 for Gary. Here's our next question. Gary. I 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:20.879 have two sons who are estranged from my husband and me. 0:20:21.359 --> 0:20:25.220 I believe there is a growing demonic influence in our 0:20:25.220 --> 0:20:29.340 world today, and that the demonic has drawn them away 0:20:29.340 --> 0:20:32.740 from the truth as well as from our family. What 0:20:32.740 --> 0:20:34.660 do you think about this? And how can I move 0:20:34.660 --> 0:20:37.340 forward through the pain of that estrangement? 0:20:38.780 --> 0:20:43.260 Well, I think any parent who has adult children who 0:20:43.260 --> 0:20:48.020 have kind of cut off relationships with them can identify 0:20:48.060 --> 0:20:51.939 with this, with this couple. What can be done? A 0:20:51.980 --> 0:20:57.060 lot depends on how much contact they allow you to have. 0:20:57.780 --> 0:21:01.860 And maybe they're not allowing anything at this point, but 0:21:01.859 --> 0:21:08.740 that's their decision. You cannot make those two sons have 0:21:08.740 --> 0:21:11.380 time with you if they choose not to have time 0:21:11.380 --> 0:21:15.940 with you. They they are adults. And I think we 0:21:15.940 --> 0:21:18.700 have to give them the same freedom that God gives 0:21:18.700 --> 0:21:22.630 his children, all of us. We can walk closely with 0:21:22.630 --> 0:21:26.030 him or we can walk away from him. If we 0:21:26.070 --> 0:21:28.190 walk away from God, we will have to live with 0:21:28.190 --> 0:21:32.550 the results of that. Uh. But God doesn't make us 0:21:33.350 --> 0:21:38.510 follow him. He loves us and wants us to reciprocate 0:21:38.510 --> 0:21:41.470 to his love. Just as you love your sons and 0:21:41.470 --> 0:21:44.790 want them to reciprocate. So I think you have to 0:21:44.830 --> 0:21:47.510 first of all acknowledge that they are adults and you 0:21:47.510 --> 0:21:50.350 have to give them that sense of freedom. It would 0:21:50.350 --> 0:21:54.230 be helpful to know why they have made this choice, 0:21:54.590 --> 0:21:58.550 but if they don't have any contact with you, you're limited. 0:21:58.550 --> 0:22:02.510 And even asking the question, honey, just be honest with 0:22:02.510 --> 0:22:04.669 me and tell me why you all have made the 0:22:04.670 --> 0:22:08.150 decision to pull back from having contact with us. If 0:22:08.190 --> 0:22:12.110 you take that approach, rather than telling them this is 0:22:12.109 --> 0:22:14.590 wrong and you know that, I mean, children should not 0:22:14.590 --> 0:22:18.310 be just not seeing their parents, you know, that kind 0:22:18.310 --> 0:22:21.689 of negative preaching and criticizing them. It's just going to 0:22:21.690 --> 0:22:25.209 push them further away. But if you're honestly, in a 0:22:25.210 --> 0:22:30.250 loving way, asking them, uh, help me understand why you 0:22:30.250 --> 0:22:33.450 all feel that you have to do this. Uh, now, 0:22:33.490 --> 0:22:35.930 as I said, if you don't have contact, you can't 0:22:35.930 --> 0:22:38.330 ask that question. But if you have any way to 0:22:38.330 --> 0:22:41.810 have contact with them, then asking that question is the 0:22:41.810 --> 0:22:45.850 starting place. And from there, you decide then, okay, what 0:22:45.850 --> 0:22:48.410 can we do? What should we do? Or we can 0:22:48.410 --> 0:22:51.770 apologize if they're pointing out something that's that's led them 0:22:51.770 --> 0:22:55.570 that you've done, that's led them to this decision, which 0:22:55.570 --> 0:22:58.690 is not necessarily always the case. But if there is, 0:22:58.730 --> 0:23:02.050 then certainly you can apologize for that. And they may 0:23:02.050 --> 0:23:04.930 choose to forgive you, or they may still choose not 0:23:04.930 --> 0:23:09.250 to see you for a while. Again, just understanding the reality. 0:23:09.290 --> 0:23:14.530 We cannot control our adult children, but we can let 0:23:14.530 --> 0:23:17.649 them know we love them no matter what they do. 0:23:18.300 --> 0:23:21.140 It's exactly what God does. He loves us no matter 0:23:21.140 --> 0:23:24.740 what we do. And if we come to him with forgiveness, 0:23:25.100 --> 0:23:28.380 confessing our wrong, God will forgive us. Because if we're 0:23:28.380 --> 0:23:31.580 his children, we're going to always be his children. We 0:23:31.580 --> 0:23:34.380 can be out of fellowship with God, but he's still 0:23:34.380 --> 0:23:37.620 going to be our father if we're true Christians. And 0:23:37.619 --> 0:23:39.580 the same thing is true with you all. You're out 0:23:39.580 --> 0:23:42.900 of fellowship with your sons, but they're still your children 0:23:42.900 --> 0:23:44.340 and you're still their parents. 0:23:45.340 --> 0:23:47.860 So what I hear you saying is one great thing 0:23:47.900 --> 0:23:52.859 to do is if you have the opportunity, ask, ask 0:23:52.859 --> 0:23:59.379 the question and then listen. Listen well, and then ask 0:23:59.420 --> 0:24:01.939 a follow up. Well, tell me more about that. Tell 0:24:01.940 --> 0:24:06.300 me why. Tell me a little bit more and really listen. 0:24:06.660 --> 0:24:08.660 And then at the end of that, this is something 0:24:08.660 --> 0:24:11.780 I picked up from my, uh, my wife. Uh, thank 0:24:11.780 --> 0:24:14.300 you for telling me that. Thank you for trusting me 0:24:14.340 --> 0:24:17.440 with that. I really appreciate you sharing that. That can 0:24:17.440 --> 0:24:19.760 go a long way to breaking down some of the walls, 0:24:19.760 --> 0:24:20.399 can't it? 0:24:20.760 --> 0:24:26.399 Absolutely. Rather than being defensive, you know, they tell you 0:24:26.560 --> 0:24:28.520 how what has hurt them and so forth. And then 0:24:28.520 --> 0:24:31.160 you say, well now that's that's not what I meant. No, 0:24:31.160 --> 0:24:34.760 that's not you know, we defend ourselves. Now, what we 0:24:34.760 --> 0:24:40.040 want to know is what made them feel the way 0:24:40.040 --> 0:24:43.600 they feel, what stimulated those feelings inside of them. And 0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:46.960 it's likely something you did or didn't do. Uh, and 0:24:46.960 --> 0:24:50.200 it doesn't mean that necessarily you intended it to come 0:24:50.200 --> 0:24:53.600 across that way, but they're telling you that's what they 0:24:53.600 --> 0:24:58.520 feel and they didn't choose their feelings. We don't choose feelings, 0:24:59.040 --> 0:25:03.520 we interpret things. And then that that stimulates feelings inside 0:25:03.520 --> 0:25:08.320 of us. So trying to understand how your, your sons 0:25:08.320 --> 0:25:11.560 got to where they are and drawing away from you 0:25:11.600 --> 0:25:14.940 is really, really important. And, but you have to be 0:25:14.940 --> 0:25:17.940 a listener if you're going to ever discover the truth 0:25:17.940 --> 0:25:19.619 about why they are where they are. 0:25:26.540 --> 0:25:30.580 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:25:30.619 --> 0:25:33.140 We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our 0:25:33.140 --> 0:25:38.460 listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave 0:25:38.460 --> 0:25:40.620 a message and you might hear an answer on an 0:25:40.619 --> 0:25:48.780 upcoming Dear Gary broadcast again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to 0:25:48.820 --> 0:25:53.100 building relationships.us you'll see our featured resource, the five Love 0:25:53.100 --> 0:25:58.900 Languages Military Edition. Just go to building relationships.us or visit 0:25:58.900 --> 0:26:01.140 five Love languages.com. 0:26:03.060 --> 0:26:07.380 Continuing with our written questions to Doctor Gary Chapman, here's 0:26:07.380 --> 0:26:09.900 one from a man who says my ex wife was 0:26:09.900 --> 0:26:15.070 having affairs. We divorced. She told the children that I 0:26:15.109 --> 0:26:19.990 was the one having affairs. So now my children hate me. 0:26:20.310 --> 0:26:23.030 I haven't talked to my kids in years because they 0:26:23.030 --> 0:26:27.830 believe I ruined our family. How can I fix this situation? 0:26:28.390 --> 0:26:29.510 Is there any hope? 0:26:30.910 --> 0:26:37.469 Well, you cannot alone fix the situation. It has to 0:26:37.470 --> 0:26:40.830 be if there's going to be any progress made. It 0:26:40.830 --> 0:26:47.869 has to be. You're talking with your ex-wife. You're sharing 0:26:47.869 --> 0:26:51.990 your hurt and your pain at having not been able 0:26:51.990 --> 0:26:55.550 to be with the kids through the years. Listen, if 0:26:55.550 --> 0:26:58.510 it's been years, she may be at a totally different 0:26:58.510 --> 0:27:00.990 place in her life now. She may already be remarried. 0:27:01.030 --> 0:27:03.870 I understand that that's possible. But she may also have 0:27:03.869 --> 0:27:07.350 become a true Christian. If you haven't had any contact, 0:27:07.390 --> 0:27:10.190 you don't really know where she is. But I think 0:27:10.230 --> 0:27:13.850 trying to find out where she is. And, uh, I 0:27:13.890 --> 0:27:16.770 don't know what efforts you've made to talk to or 0:27:16.770 --> 0:27:21.130 contact the two daughters. It appears like either you don't 0:27:21.130 --> 0:27:25.129 know how to do that, don't have contact information, or 0:27:25.250 --> 0:27:27.290 even if you call them or send texts, they don't 0:27:27.290 --> 0:27:30.130 respond to you. I don't know what the situation is there, 0:27:30.570 --> 0:27:32.570 but when you say you haven't talked to your kids 0:27:32.570 --> 0:27:38.570 in years, boy, that's a huge chasm. Years to build 0:27:38.570 --> 0:27:42.690 a bridge across. But there's certainly nothing wrong. If you 0:27:42.690 --> 0:27:49.130 have contact information on talking with your your daughters, I 0:27:49.130 --> 0:27:52.250 would try first talking to the wife to let her 0:27:52.290 --> 0:27:54.690 just just to see where she is in the journey 0:27:55.210 --> 0:27:58.650 and to let her know how you know, you just 0:27:58.650 --> 0:28:01.889 so wish that you could have some contact with the girls. 0:28:02.410 --> 0:28:04.409 But if you have contact with the girls, even if 0:28:04.410 --> 0:28:07.930 you can't talk with the wife, nothing wrong with reaching out. 0:28:08.450 --> 0:28:11.910 They may. you may just say, you know, all these 0:28:11.950 --> 0:28:15.190 years I have failed to reach out because I have 0:28:15.190 --> 0:28:17.070 the sense that you wanted to have nothing to do 0:28:17.070 --> 0:28:20.429 with me. I don't know if you understand the reality 0:28:20.430 --> 0:28:23.790 of what happened and just explain the whole thing to them. 0:28:23.790 --> 0:28:26.150 I don't know if maybe you've tried that before explaining 0:28:26.150 --> 0:28:28.469 what happened, that it really wasn't you who was the 0:28:28.470 --> 0:28:31.830 one having the affairs, that it was their mother and 0:28:31.830 --> 0:28:36.870 that she she told really told an untruth. Again, they 0:28:36.869 --> 0:28:40.230 may or may not believe you, but at least they're 0:28:40.230 --> 0:28:43.070 hearing it from you. And how you regret the fact 0:28:43.070 --> 0:28:45.750 that you haven't been able to have any relationship with 0:28:45.750 --> 0:28:48.430 them through the years. Now, if you haven't reached out 0:28:48.430 --> 0:28:51.790 to them all these years just because you knew they 0:28:51.790 --> 0:28:55.390 hated you, they may have a hard time believing that 0:28:55.390 --> 0:28:59.350 now you are bringing this up. You know, why didn't 0:28:59.350 --> 0:29:02.350 you share this with them earlier? So I don't know 0:29:02.350 --> 0:29:05.230 what the dynamics are, of course, in their minds and 0:29:05.230 --> 0:29:08.280 where they are in their journey. so I don't know. 0:29:08.320 --> 0:29:11.400 You know, the level of hope there is that things 0:29:11.400 --> 0:29:16.240 could be different, but it never hurts to reach out 0:29:16.560 --> 0:29:21.040 to individuals with whom we have a broken relationship. And 0:29:21.040 --> 0:29:24.200 just to say in your own words, kindly and lovingly, 0:29:24.800 --> 0:29:27.680 I've been thinking a lot about us and our lack 0:29:27.680 --> 0:29:31.480 of relationship through the years, and I just I just 0:29:31.480 --> 0:29:33.760 wonder if we could sit down and just have a talk. 0:29:34.080 --> 0:29:36.280 I will not try to force anything upon you, but 0:29:36.280 --> 0:29:38.680 I would just love to have a talk and see 0:29:38.680 --> 0:29:41.480 if we can catch up with each other. You know, 0:29:41.520 --> 0:29:45.680 an effort like that never hurts, and it may open 0:29:45.680 --> 0:29:48.760 a door depending on where they are in their own journey. 0:29:49.200 --> 0:29:51.680 Or how old they are too. That's a factor. We 0:29:51.720 --> 0:29:54.719 don't know as well. I wonder if bringing up the 0:29:54.720 --> 0:29:59.800 whole thing she cheated, I didn't cheat actually throws more 0:29:59.840 --> 0:30:04.600 wrenches into the relationship. Although I can understand why he 0:30:04.600 --> 0:30:07.980 would want the truth to be out there. Does that 0:30:08.020 --> 0:30:12.260 you know, does is it is starting the relationship without 0:30:12.300 --> 0:30:17.420 trying to cast aspersions on the lies that have been told. Uh, 0:30:18.060 --> 0:30:21.900 would that be a better first step than jumping into 0:30:21.940 --> 0:30:23.540 the she said, he said. 0:30:23.820 --> 0:30:27.020 Yes, I think you're right, Chris. I think far better 0:30:27.140 --> 0:30:30.620 to just talk about a desire to get to know 0:30:30.820 --> 0:30:33.580 the daughter, to spend time just to kind of catch 0:30:33.580 --> 0:30:37.100 up with each other and not bring the other up. Uh, yeah. 0:30:37.140 --> 0:30:41.660 Because probably I'm just guessing, probably in the early stages 0:30:41.660 --> 0:30:44.260 of all this, he told them that that, that their 0:30:44.260 --> 0:30:47.300 mother was lying. And so they, you know, they're just 0:30:47.300 --> 0:30:50.220 now he's bringing it up again. So I think you're right. 0:30:50.220 --> 0:30:53.020 It's not the place to start. It's just to start 0:30:53.020 --> 0:30:55.380 to have a have a desire. I would love to 0:30:55.420 --> 0:30:58.540 sit down and just have a conversation and catch up 0:30:58.540 --> 0:30:59.420 with each other. 0:30:59.620 --> 0:31:03.020 Yeah. All right. The next question. This is building relationships 0:31:03.020 --> 0:31:06.670 with Doctor Gary Chapman. My son and his wife have 0:31:06.670 --> 0:31:09.830 cut me out of their lives, which means I have 0:31:09.830 --> 0:31:13.750 no contact with my grandchildren. I want to attend a 0:31:13.750 --> 0:31:17.350 school event for my granddaughter. Now, this was actually a 0:31:17.350 --> 0:31:20.110 question that came up for Doctor Kathy Cook, our mutual 0:31:20.110 --> 0:31:23.590 friend Gary, uh, who's written about this. And I want 0:31:23.630 --> 0:31:26.390 to see if you agree with her because this is 0:31:26.390 --> 0:31:29.790 a very specific question. So I want to attend a 0:31:29.790 --> 0:31:33.990 school event. I've texted my son repeatedly. He does not 0:31:34.030 --> 0:31:37.390 respond to texts. He does not respond to letters that 0:31:37.390 --> 0:31:40.310 I send him. What do you think I should do 0:31:40.350 --> 0:31:45.510 about this school event? Can I attend without their permission? 0:31:46.870 --> 0:31:49.710 To me, 2 or 3 things would be factors. One 0:31:49.710 --> 0:31:53.390 is what is the event? Mhm. You know, is it 0:31:53.390 --> 0:31:58.950 a small meeting of celebrating something in a classroom? Is 0:31:58.950 --> 0:32:02.490 it something much larger than that where she could be 0:32:02.490 --> 0:32:05.050 in a larger crowd, you know, sitting way back on 0:32:05.050 --> 0:32:08.730 the back row somewhere. I think that would be a factor. 0:32:09.170 --> 0:32:14.130 And also whether her granddaughter knows her at all. I'm 0:32:14.130 --> 0:32:17.330 assuming she does that there just at some point they 0:32:17.370 --> 0:32:20.810 drew back and not letting her see see them. But 0:32:20.810 --> 0:32:24.930 I don't I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go 0:32:24.930 --> 0:32:27.530 to something if it's a, you know, really, really important 0:32:27.530 --> 0:32:30.330 event with a large group of people around. If it's 0:32:30.330 --> 0:32:33.930 a smaller thing, I would say no. On the other hand, 0:32:34.530 --> 0:32:37.930 you know, just seeing your granddaughter from a distance and 0:32:37.930 --> 0:32:40.890 maybe forcing yourself in to say hello to her or 0:32:40.890 --> 0:32:45.130 something while you're there may make it even worse in 0:32:45.130 --> 0:32:47.490 terms of your, your son's response. 0:32:47.930 --> 0:32:48.410 Yes. 0:32:48.690 --> 0:32:52.250 Because if you've sent him a text asking permission to 0:32:52.290 --> 0:32:58.130 do this and he's not responding and you do it anyway, 0:32:58.810 --> 0:33:00.590 you may make things worse. 0:33:01.070 --> 0:33:03.950 But okay, I'm going to jump in here because that's 0:33:03.950 --> 0:33:06.430 exactly what Doctor Cook said. She said, at the end 0:33:06.430 --> 0:33:09.110 of the day, it's like, what is your goal? You 0:33:09.110 --> 0:33:12.190 want a relationship not only with the grandkids but also 0:33:12.190 --> 0:33:15.030 with your son. And if you step over this line 0:33:15.030 --> 0:33:22.430 right here, it may have implications, ramifications down the road that, 0:33:22.470 --> 0:33:25.310 you know, you've broken the trust that you've said that 0:33:25.310 --> 0:33:28.510 you won't do this, and then you did that so 0:33:28.670 --> 0:33:32.350 that it's it's kind of scary how you two think alike. 0:33:34.230 --> 0:33:39.230 Well, we probably have dealt with similar things through the years. Exactly. 0:33:39.510 --> 0:33:41.550 So is that the is that the case? Do you 0:33:41.550 --> 0:33:44.270 have to think? I've got to think of it's almost 0:33:44.270 --> 0:33:47.550 like you're playing chess with this relational thing. I'm not 0:33:47.550 --> 0:33:49.870 just thinking about me and my needs and me and 0:33:49.870 --> 0:33:53.470 my desire to love my granddaughter, but also the rest 0:33:53.470 --> 0:33:56.350 of the family. And what's going to happen there, right? 0:33:56.710 --> 0:34:01.760 Yeah, absolutely. Because, you know, there's possibility that years down 0:34:01.760 --> 0:34:04.720 the road, when the when the daughter, the granddaughter gets 0:34:04.720 --> 0:34:07.560 to be an adult, she may want to find out 0:34:07.600 --> 0:34:10.399 her about her grandmother. She may she may go looking 0:34:10.400 --> 0:34:14.040 for her grandmother, but for the grandmother to try to 0:34:14.080 --> 0:34:18.640 force herself in there in objection to the son, I don't. 0:34:18.680 --> 0:34:20.640 I think it would probably make things worse. 0:34:20.880 --> 0:34:25.040 Yeah, that's where a good journal will come in. Or letters, 0:34:25.080 --> 0:34:29.640 you know, letters to my granddaughter while they were separated, 0:34:29.640 --> 0:34:31.799 not to send them to her, but to keep them. 0:34:31.800 --> 0:34:34.439 And this is what I was thinking about, thinking about you. 0:34:34.480 --> 0:34:36.960 Here's how I was praying for you. That kind of 0:34:37.000 --> 0:34:39.200 thing could be a great gift down the road, don't 0:34:39.200 --> 0:34:39.720 you think? 0:34:39.760 --> 0:34:42.840 Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. 0:34:43.440 --> 0:34:46.160 All right. Gary, here is a person who says, I 0:34:46.160 --> 0:34:49.400 need help, and this is where you're going to jump in. 0:34:49.840 --> 0:34:51.759 How do you handle it when your 20 year old 0:34:51.760 --> 0:34:55.120 son moves back into your home? But he has walked 0:34:55.120 --> 0:34:58.540 away from the Christian path he was raised on. She 0:34:58.540 --> 0:35:02.420 and her son are essentially roommates, she says, who don't 0:35:02.460 --> 0:35:06.460 engage with each other and she doesn't know what to do. 0:35:06.780 --> 0:35:07.540 What do you say? 0:35:08.460 --> 0:35:11.540 Well, it sounds like there's no father involved when she 0:35:11.540 --> 0:35:14.620 says it's just the two of us and we're just roommates. 0:35:15.140 --> 0:35:17.260 I don't know if there's a father there or not, 0:35:17.900 --> 0:35:21.259 but if there is a father in the home, her husband. 0:35:21.300 --> 0:35:26.580 I would suggest that they together talk about this situation 0:35:26.900 --> 0:35:31.459 and what needs to be done. Also how old the 0:35:31.460 --> 0:35:34.779 son is, you know, like whether is he's just out 0:35:34.820 --> 0:35:37.379 of college or he dropped out of college or, or 0:35:37.500 --> 0:35:40.299 is he 27 and has had all kind of drug 0:35:40.300 --> 0:35:44.419 problems and other things? I mean, knowing his situation would 0:35:44.420 --> 0:35:47.379 be really important here in terms of what what she 0:35:47.380 --> 0:35:50.299 might do. Does he have a job or does he 0:35:50.300 --> 0:35:53.980 not have a job if he's moved back home? It's 0:35:54.020 --> 0:35:57.549 with many times, it's because they can't afford to have 0:35:57.550 --> 0:36:01.390 an apartment and or they've had a marriage that they've 0:36:01.390 --> 0:36:03.950 walked out of or something else. So all those things 0:36:03.950 --> 0:36:08.030 would would be important to know before you could decide 0:36:08.030 --> 0:36:11.669 really what to do in a situation like this. She says, 0:36:11.670 --> 0:36:15.110 we have basically have no contact. It's hard to imagine 0:36:15.110 --> 0:36:18.989 that you wouldn't have some conversation. Uh, one of my 0:36:18.989 --> 0:36:22.390 questions would be, are you sharing meals together? Do you 0:36:22.390 --> 0:36:25.149 prepare any meal for him or does he do his 0:36:25.150 --> 0:36:27.230 own meal and you do your own meal? I mean, 0:36:28.870 --> 0:36:31.710 if he's living in the house, there must be some contact. 0:36:31.910 --> 0:36:36.350 So I would just say, begin with whatever contact you have. 0:36:36.469 --> 0:36:39.550 If you do serve him a meal, uh, you know, 0:36:39.630 --> 0:36:43.030 and talk about where is he going? This is true. 0:36:43.030 --> 0:36:46.070 Whether there's a father there or whether there's not, is 0:36:46.070 --> 0:36:49.230 what is his plans for the future? Because you're not 0:36:49.230 --> 0:36:51.830 going to always be there for him to live with you. 0:36:52.350 --> 0:36:56.770 And if he's not doing something productive with his life, 0:36:56.930 --> 0:37:00.370 he needs help. It's I know it's a hard situation, 0:37:00.650 --> 0:37:03.930 but there has to be some conversation with with him 0:37:03.930 --> 0:37:06.970 if we're going to make any progress at all. Yeah. Uh, 0:37:06.969 --> 0:37:09.930 and you may say to him, I just want us 0:37:09.930 --> 0:37:12.570 to talk about what would be most helpful for you 0:37:12.850 --> 0:37:17.050 at this juncture in your life. Because obviously I want 0:37:17.090 --> 0:37:20.450 to help you. Uh, and you don't have to believe 0:37:20.450 --> 0:37:23.009 what I believe. I'm not trying to force you to 0:37:23.050 --> 0:37:26.090 be a Christian. I'm just saying, uh, you know, I 0:37:26.090 --> 0:37:29.049 want us to talk about what I can do that 0:37:29.050 --> 0:37:32.930 would make this a most meaningful time for you. Because obviously, 0:37:32.930 --> 0:37:35.969 this is not a long term plan that you're going 0:37:36.010 --> 0:37:39.370 to live with me the rest of your life. Uh, 0:37:39.370 --> 0:37:42.450 I can't imagine that that would give you a deep 0:37:42.450 --> 0:37:45.810 satisfaction in life. I'm sure that you have some things 0:37:45.810 --> 0:37:49.210 you'd like to accomplish. And, uh, if I can help 0:37:49.210 --> 0:37:52.189 you accomplish those things, then that's what I would like 0:37:52.190 --> 0:37:54.870 to do. But you know, that kind of conversation. Not 0:37:54.870 --> 0:37:59.109 a condemning conversation, but a questioning time in which you're 0:37:59.110 --> 0:38:03.110 just trying to understand what his thoughts are in terms 0:38:03.110 --> 0:38:05.430 of what in this time would be helpful for him. 0:38:05.870 --> 0:38:08.430 You know, the other which you do with the five 0:38:08.469 --> 0:38:11.150 love languages. The other thing that I think of is, 0:38:11.190 --> 0:38:12.790 wouldn't it be great for the son to come to 0:38:12.790 --> 0:38:14.790 the mom and say, hey, mom, what do you what 0:38:14.790 --> 0:38:17.430 do you get out of this? Me being moving back 0:38:17.430 --> 0:38:21.830 in here? What, what's your ideal hope for the two 0:38:21.830 --> 0:38:24.270 of us being in the same house now? I'm not 0:38:24.950 --> 0:38:27.549 Pollyanna enough to think that that's going to happen on 0:38:27.550 --> 0:38:29.989 his own, but for him to be able to get 0:38:29.989 --> 0:38:33.390 out of his own head and to say what's, you know, 0:38:33.430 --> 0:38:35.990 what are you you want to have a conversation each day? 0:38:36.030 --> 0:38:39.110 Do you want to have a meal together? That'd be, uh, 0:38:39.310 --> 0:38:42.750 you know, something that that would, if he's listening, do 0:38:42.750 --> 0:38:45.470 that for your mom and something good is going to happen, 0:38:45.469 --> 0:38:46.230 don't you think? 0:38:46.670 --> 0:38:51.640 Absolutely. Because she's frustrated. apparently not knowing even what's on 0:38:51.640 --> 0:38:53.719 his mind. What does he hope is going to come 0:38:53.719 --> 0:38:57.080 out of this situation, you know? Yeah yeah yeah. No, 0:38:57.080 --> 0:39:01.120 if he if he's hearing if he's listening, certainly you 0:39:01.360 --> 0:39:04.960 if you want what's best for you and her, take 0:39:04.960 --> 0:39:08.440 the initiative to say, mom, let's talk about, you know, what, what, 0:39:08.440 --> 0:39:09.920 what I need to be doing right now. 0:39:09.960 --> 0:39:13.879 Yes. Okay. A lot of these written questions are about estrangement, 0:39:13.880 --> 0:39:18.480 but here's one that is specifically about money. And the 0:39:18.560 --> 0:39:21.920 person says, I have a struggle with allowing my adult 0:39:21.920 --> 0:39:26.239 children to borrow money from me. My parents were dependent 0:39:26.239 --> 0:39:30.399 on their parents for money and it ended badly. And 0:39:30.400 --> 0:39:33.520 she worries that this could cause problems with her kids 0:39:33.520 --> 0:39:36.480 one day. And she has a lot of anxiety about 0:39:36.480 --> 0:39:40.200 the situation. And then she adds, the dependence on me 0:39:40.200 --> 0:39:43.640 has not happened with my children, but I live in 0:39:43.640 --> 0:39:46.640 anxiety that it will and I don't know how to 0:39:46.680 --> 0:39:49.540 stop the anxiety. What would you say to her? 0:39:50.100 --> 0:39:54.700 Well, I can understand how our past experience she's talking 0:39:54.700 --> 0:39:59.020 about her parents were dependent on their parents, and it 0:39:59.020 --> 0:40:02.660 didn't end end well. So she's got she's being influenced 0:40:02.660 --> 0:40:06.780 by that illustration, by that what happened to them? She 0:40:06.780 --> 0:40:12.540 has anxiety based on what happened to her parents, even 0:40:12.540 --> 0:40:15.740 though her children are not at this point, even asking 0:40:15.739 --> 0:40:18.660 her to borrow money from her or to for her 0:40:18.660 --> 0:40:22.219 to give them money. So I think she has to 0:40:22.260 --> 0:40:26.140 come into the real world, not the world of her 0:40:26.180 --> 0:40:31.500 observation of her parents. She's allowing something that they did 0:40:32.219 --> 0:40:35.299 to give her anxiety because she didn't want to go 0:40:35.300 --> 0:40:38.380 through what they went through. So all she has to 0:40:38.420 --> 0:40:42.820 do if and when her children do come to her, uh, 0:40:42.820 --> 0:40:46.550 for money is to say to them, you know, honey. 0:40:46.750 --> 0:40:49.149 And then she just tells them the story of what 0:40:49.150 --> 0:40:52.989 happened to her parents and how that all ended. And 0:40:52.989 --> 0:40:56.149 to say to those, to her children, then I just 0:40:56.150 --> 0:40:58.589 can't do it, honey, because I can't feel like it 0:40:58.590 --> 0:41:03.270 would be good for you. Or maybe even maybe even now, uh, 0:41:03.270 --> 0:41:06.350 if she's, if she's having so much anxiety about this, 0:41:06.710 --> 0:41:09.109 maybe to sit down with her children even before they 0:41:09.110 --> 0:41:12.390 ever ask her for money and just say, honey, I 0:41:12.390 --> 0:41:14.630 just want to share something with you. I don't know 0:41:14.630 --> 0:41:17.589 if you know this about your grandparents or not, but 0:41:17.590 --> 0:41:20.109 I want to share this with you and all that 0:41:20.110 --> 0:41:22.989 went on and just let you know that I hope 0:41:22.989 --> 0:41:26.069 you never have to come to me for money. I mean, 0:41:26.110 --> 0:41:28.710 I have done everything I can to help you all, 0:41:28.710 --> 0:41:31.029 and you all have jobs and you know, and I 0:41:31.030 --> 0:41:33.109 don't think you ever will. But I just want you 0:41:33.110 --> 0:41:36.710 to know, uh, if you need money. I don't want 0:41:36.750 --> 0:41:40.750 to go through that same scenario again. So can we 0:41:40.750 --> 0:41:43.110 just agree that if you have to have money, sometimes 0:41:43.110 --> 0:41:45.290 you you can get a loan from a bank or 0:41:45.290 --> 0:41:48.810 somewhere like that. Yeah, I think just sharing her experience 0:41:48.810 --> 0:41:51.930 and how she was impacted by that to them before 0:41:51.930 --> 0:41:54.250 they ever come to ask for money might be a 0:41:54.250 --> 0:41:55.410 positive interchange. 0:41:57.410 --> 0:42:01.330 Got one more for you and this very short, but 0:42:01.330 --> 0:42:03.290 I think there are a lot of parents who are 0:42:03.290 --> 0:42:07.290 right there. How do you reconnect with an adult son 0:42:07.290 --> 0:42:09.090 who's living a gay lifestyle? 0:42:10.250 --> 0:42:16.330 Well, I think God is our example in everything. And 0:42:16.330 --> 0:42:19.810 the Bible says God loved us while we were still 0:42:19.810 --> 0:42:24.009 sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So I 0:42:24.010 --> 0:42:26.569 think that's the model for us. We are to love 0:42:26.570 --> 0:42:31.009 our children, even if their lifestyle is something we don't 0:42:31.010 --> 0:42:35.450 believe is in keeping with God's plan. It doesn't mean 0:42:35.450 --> 0:42:38.210 we agree with it. It doesn't mean that we affirm 0:42:38.210 --> 0:42:40.730 them and what they're doing, but it does mean that 0:42:40.730 --> 0:42:44.830 we communicate to them, I love you no matter what 0:42:44.830 --> 0:42:48.629 you do. You can say to them, you know how 0:42:48.630 --> 0:42:51.750 I feel about this. You know what the scriptures teach. 0:42:51.750 --> 0:42:56.390 And you know I'm committed to God's plans and I 0:42:56.390 --> 0:43:00.950 understand that there can be attraction, same sex attraction. I 0:43:00.950 --> 0:43:03.870 do understand that. But I do know we don't have 0:43:03.870 --> 0:43:07.350 to live that lifestyle. But I want you to know 0:43:07.350 --> 0:43:10.549 I love you and I am willing to have a 0:43:10.550 --> 0:43:13.750 relationship with you. I don't want to cut you off. 0:43:13.790 --> 0:43:17.550 I'm willing to have conversations with you. Uh, I cannot 0:43:17.550 --> 0:43:21.989 endorse that, obviously, but I do love you, and I 0:43:21.989 --> 0:43:25.670 want what's best for you. That kind of approach, I think, 0:43:25.670 --> 0:43:30.069 is the is a positive approach. It's living by what 0:43:30.070 --> 0:43:34.230 you believe to be the truth and acknowledging that you 0:43:34.230 --> 0:43:37.270 love them in spite of the fact that they are breaking, 0:43:37.310 --> 0:43:41.160 you know, something that you hold very strongly. So you're 0:43:41.160 --> 0:43:45.240 not denying your belief in God, but you're also recognizing 0:43:45.239 --> 0:43:48.560 they are adults and you're going to allow them to 0:43:48.600 --> 0:43:51.680 make their own decisions, but you're going to love them 0:43:52.080 --> 0:43:56.880 even with whatever decision they make. I think that's that's 0:43:56.880 --> 0:44:00.000 what God does. And it's the love of God that 0:44:00.000 --> 0:44:03.319 often brings people to repentance. And it's the love of 0:44:03.320 --> 0:44:08.280 a parent that often helps. Helps children know that they. 0:44:08.320 --> 0:44:11.759 Even though I've gone against what they believe to be right, 0:44:11.960 --> 0:44:16.760 they still love me. Prodigal son's father did not go 0:44:16.760 --> 0:44:21.200 after him and try to bring him back. He waited 0:44:21.360 --> 0:44:26.759 until the circumstances of life and his lifestyle brought him 0:44:26.760 --> 0:44:30.279 to the hog pen, where he was feeding hogs to 0:44:30.320 --> 0:44:34.880 make a living, and then decided himself, I'm going to 0:44:34.880 --> 0:44:38.239 go home. I'd rather just get a job on the 0:44:38.239 --> 0:44:42.180 farm with my father than to live this lifestyle. And 0:44:42.180 --> 0:44:44.540 he came home. And what did he find? His father 0:44:44.540 --> 0:44:47.379 had open arms for him. So we don't go out 0:44:47.380 --> 0:44:49.660 and try to make our children do what we believe 0:44:49.660 --> 0:44:53.700 is right. Our adult children. But we do stand with 0:44:53.700 --> 0:44:57.540 open arms whenever they are ready to come back. And 0:44:57.540 --> 0:45:00.100 whatever they've done, we are willing to forgive. 0:45:01.380 --> 0:45:06.660 Watching and waiting and ready with the robe and the 0:45:06.660 --> 0:45:10.819 ring and the great big hug and the and and 0:45:10.860 --> 0:45:15.140 the tears. My sons come home. Uh, that I was 0:45:15.140 --> 0:45:17.980 thinking of the same thing as you were answering that, Gary. 0:45:18.300 --> 0:45:21.339 And we hope that something here in this conversation, this 0:45:21.340 --> 0:45:26.420 hour has helped you, has encouraged you, maybe comforted you 0:45:26.460 --> 0:45:29.779 a little bit, and look at the vulnerability of the 0:45:29.780 --> 0:45:32.259 people who got in touch with us. You can do 0:45:32.260 --> 0:45:34.460 that same thing for somebody else. If you want to 0:45:34.460 --> 0:45:37.350 make a comment about something said here today or you 0:45:37.350 --> 0:45:42.830 have a question for Doctor Chapman. 1866424. Gary. It can 0:45:42.830 --> 0:45:50.910 be about the love languages or anything in your relationships. (866) 424-4279. 0:45:50.910 --> 0:45:54.509 And if you go to the website building relationships.us you'll 0:45:54.510 --> 0:45:58.509 see our featured resource, the five Love Languages Military Edition, 0:45:58.510 --> 0:46:01.590 again at building relationships.us. 0:46:02.110 --> 0:46:06.910 And next week, the president of Dallas Theological Seminary provides 0:46:06.910 --> 0:46:09.989 six essentials for reviving your faith. 0:46:10.230 --> 0:46:13.469 Don't miss. Doctor Mark Yarbrough in one week. A big 0:46:13.469 --> 0:46:17.029 thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice backing. 0:46:17.270 --> 0:46:20.549 Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of 0:46:20.550 --> 0:46:24.549 Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a Ministry of 0:46:24.590 --> 0:46:27.230 Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.