1 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,800 S1: If you are a mother of daughters, you are going 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:10,240 S1: to want to sit a little closer to the radio today. 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,160 S1: If your mother made mistakes with you, and you're afraid 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,440 S1: that you're going to make some of those same mistakes 5 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:20,759 S1: with your own daughter, listen to September, not the month. 6 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,919 S1: My guest name is September, and we're going to talk 7 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:29,440 S1: about a great resource titled Raising Daughters. Straight ahead at 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,800 S1: the radio backyard fence. This is Chris Fabry live. The 9 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,199 S1: program from the heart to the heart for the heart. 10 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,600 S1: Glad we could make the connection with you here today. 11 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,559 S1: Thankful for our team. Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical. 12 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,599 S1: Back in the chair. Glad you're feeling better, Ryan. Tricia 13 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,000 S1: is our producer back from Chattanooga, where she was with 14 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:50,760 S1: Doctor Rudnick and crew over the weekend. Lisa's around somewhere. Lisa. 15 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,960 S1: Thank you. Josh is going to be answering your calls. 16 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,920 S1: I'm also thankful for those who've supported this program in February. 17 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,460 S1: This is our final week in the offer of a 18 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,140 S1: brand new book by Gary Chapman and doctors Les and 19 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:07,220 S1: Leslie Parrott, titled The Love Language That Matters Most. Gary 20 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,100 S1: was telling me about a conference a couple of weeks 21 00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:12,940 S1: ago with about, I think, 600 couples who went through 22 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,860 S1: this material, and he said, you could see the light 23 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:19,500 S1: bulbs going on in the faces of the people who 24 00:01:19,540 --> 00:01:23,100 S1: knew about the love languages. But there's a dialect thing that, uh, 25 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:26,380 S1: that they've written about, uh, written about to express the 26 00:01:26,380 --> 00:01:30,660 S1: love to somebody in a way they can hear it deeply. 27 00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,500 S1: That's why I want to give this to you. Call 28 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,020 S1: with a gift today. This is the last week we're 29 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:38,339 S1: offering this. I said that already. Don't delay. Call today. 30 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:42,619 S1: Give your love away effectively. Go to Chris. Scroll down. 31 00:01:42,620 --> 00:01:48,460 S1: You'll see how to contribute to the cause. Chris. Or 32 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:56,820 S1: the number is 866958669532279. The parents are going to be 33 00:01:56,820 --> 00:02:00,090 S1: here tomorrow and we're going to talk about this. So 34 00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:02,770 S1: get in early. Get in today. And thank you for 35 00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:06,890 S1: your support of the radio backyard fence. I said September 36 00:02:06,930 --> 00:02:09,530 S1: is going to join us. And she is September. McCarthy 37 00:02:09,970 --> 00:02:14,049 S1: is a wife. She's a homeschool mom to ten children. 38 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,690 S1: She has been over the years. She she and her 39 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:20,130 S1: husband now have 13 grandchildren. Can you believe it? She 40 00:02:20,130 --> 00:02:22,770 S1: owns and directs the Family Enrichment Center, which is a 41 00:02:22,770 --> 00:02:26,769 S1: hybrid homeschooling center in upstate New York. She's the author 42 00:02:26,770 --> 00:02:32,250 S1: of three books, Why Motherhood Matters, Hope for Your Homeschool, 43 00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:36,010 S1: and her latest is our featured resource today at that website. 44 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:40,450 S1: It's titled Raising Daughters A Christian Mom's Guide for the 45 00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:44,130 S1: Lifelong Journey. September. Welcome to the program. How are you 46 00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:44,850 S1: doing today? 47 00:02:45,690 --> 00:02:47,850 S2: I am great and I'm so happy to be here 48 00:02:47,850 --> 00:02:50,610 S2: today talking about raising our girls. Thank you. 49 00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:54,529 S1: Let's let's just jump right in. Why did you feel called? 50 00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:57,230 S1: I mean, if you've got seven daughters yourself, I can 51 00:02:57,230 --> 00:03:00,190 S1: see why this would be on your heart. But why 52 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,950 S1: this message and why? Because it is a personal one 53 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:04,790 S1: for you, right? 54 00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:09,190 S2: It's very personal, right? And I just felt a deep 55 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:13,950 S2: and growing burden of my own, walking through a broken 56 00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:17,950 S2: legacy of mother daughter relationships in my own family. And also, 57 00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:22,190 S2: I realized as my daughters were getting older and older, 58 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:25,190 S2: that the world was becoming louder and it was more 59 00:03:25,190 --> 00:03:30,150 S2: confusing and I think very even spiritually disorienting than before. 60 00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:35,110 S2: And I realized that our girls need a personal relationship 61 00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:37,350 S2: with us, and it felt urgent because I feel like 62 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,990 S2: the stakes are higher than ever right now, raising daughters 63 00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:43,510 S2: in today's culture. And I also wanted my daughters to 64 00:03:43,550 --> 00:03:46,710 S2: have a personal voice for me that they can look 65 00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:49,270 S2: at later, when maybe my voice won't be so loud 66 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,630 S2: and they can say, oh, this is what she meant 67 00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:54,830 S2: when she said. So I'm hoping this book will really 68 00:03:55,030 --> 00:03:58,580 S2: bless all the moms who have already raised daughters, grandmothers 69 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:01,260 S2: and even those who are beginning their, you know, journey 70 00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,860 S2: early on raising daughters. 71 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,140 S1: Yeah, I want to jump into the deep end of 72 00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:06,300 S1: the pool. And I told you I was going to 73 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,260 S1: do this because there's a line in the book and 74 00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:12,300 S1: you just referenced it from your own personal experience. You write, 75 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:15,620 S1: I come from a long line of broken mother daughter relationships. 76 00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:18,059 S1: My mother has walked in and out of my life 77 00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:22,620 S1: for many years. I have learned the dance steps of avoidance, 78 00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:27,500 S1: fear of abandonment, and pleasing others. It wasn't until I 79 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,900 S1: took a long look in the mirror two years ago 80 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:33,580 S1: that I saw where my own brokenness was inhibiting my 81 00:04:33,580 --> 00:04:37,779 S1: deep connection with my daughters. As much as you can 82 00:04:37,779 --> 00:04:39,740 S1: unpack that, tell me about it. 83 00:04:41,339 --> 00:04:44,580 S2: You know, I feel like when I was raising my 84 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:47,900 S2: older daughters now who are in their 30s and late 20s, 85 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:51,900 S2: early 20s, I did this mother daughter dance where I 86 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:54,640 S2: would press in and I would teach and I would 87 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,320 S2: be present, and I made all those special moments. But 88 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:01,200 S2: there was always this fine line where I would avoid 89 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:07,160 S2: difficult conversations or correction, and I was afraid to. And 90 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,400 S2: I think I've heard moms say this to lose them 91 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,520 S2: or to say the wrong thing, or maybe just have 92 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,880 S2: a fracture that I was used to. I was I 93 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,960 S2: was used to some abandonment and avoidance and, um, making 94 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,360 S2: decisions and carrying a lot of my own. And so 95 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:27,120 S2: I realized that there was an even deeper place of 96 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,880 S2: connection possible for me and my relationship with my girls. 97 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,000 S2: And so I looked in the mirror and I recognized this. 98 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,400 S2: I thought, this is what's been happening all of these 99 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,560 S2: decades of parenting daughters and girls and, uh, the family 100 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,400 S2: line that I come from. And I wanted to change that. 101 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,120 S2: So I had to do some really hard work and 102 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,880 S2: some healing. And I realized that that wasn't the end 103 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,750 S2: of the story, that this relationship with my daughter. It's 104 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:57,070 S2: a living thing and it can be restored and softened. 105 00:05:57,070 --> 00:06:00,270 S2: And I began to lean in and have these conversations 106 00:06:00,270 --> 00:06:04,630 S2: with my older girls and start to say the hard things. 107 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:09,229 S2: And it's just been an amazing transformation. And I think 108 00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:12,710 S2: having that groundwork of trust that I laid with my 109 00:06:12,710 --> 00:06:16,310 S2: daughters early on helped us to have these harder conversations. 110 00:06:17,029 --> 00:06:20,230 S1: Okay, so let me tell you what you've just said 111 00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:23,110 S1: that in my in my mind, what you've just said 112 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:27,390 S1: is you kind of tiptoed around to keep the relationship. 113 00:06:27,390 --> 00:06:29,469 S1: You want to you want them to be there when 114 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:32,390 S1: they have grandchildren. You want them to come back home. 115 00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:35,510 S1: And so if that's your goal is to have a 116 00:06:35,510 --> 00:06:38,070 S1: relationship with them when they have grandkids, you can you 117 00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:42,589 S1: can play that way. But the healthier way to go 118 00:06:42,589 --> 00:06:47,510 S1: about this is not to avoid, not to stir up things, 119 00:06:47,550 --> 00:06:51,650 S1: you know, to stir up conflict needlessly, needlessly. But when 120 00:06:51,690 --> 00:06:55,810 S1: things hard, things need to be said to. To say 121 00:06:55,810 --> 00:07:01,130 S1: them and say them with conviction and with love and grace, 122 00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:06,089 S1: and then work through whatever happened, whatever kind of response 123 00:07:06,089 --> 00:07:09,130 S1: you get from that. Is that what you just said? 124 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:12,210 S2: Right? That is what I said. And I think that 125 00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:14,250 S2: I had been doing a lot of the hard work 126 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:18,370 S2: before that. But when I realized that I was avoiding 127 00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:23,530 S2: certain conversations or certain boundaries, not even just hard conversations, 128 00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:28,330 S2: but even boundaries where I had relentlessly made myself available 129 00:07:28,330 --> 00:07:30,770 S2: to my daughters to the point of exhaustion all of 130 00:07:30,770 --> 00:07:33,610 S2: those years. And I realized even that's just not a 131 00:07:33,610 --> 00:07:37,930 S2: healthy boundary, because then it's always expected. And so, you know, 132 00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:42,370 S2: saying no or saying something difficult, having a boundary, um, 133 00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:46,450 S2: having hard conversations, all of those things I realized that 134 00:07:46,450 --> 00:07:49,570 S2: were great for my daughters growing up, but not great 135 00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:55,110 S2: for me and they weren't really healthy relationship goalposts. And 136 00:07:55,110 --> 00:07:58,270 S2: so I began to move some things around and lean 137 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:02,150 S2: into hard conversations and make myself available. And it's been 138 00:08:02,150 --> 00:08:05,310 S2: really amazing. My daughters have seen that they've done the 139 00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:08,150 S2: hard work with me, and it's just been it's just 140 00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:10,350 S2: been beautiful to see the fruit of all of these 141 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:13,030 S2: years of raising them. And, you know, I have seven 142 00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:15,310 S2: daughters of my own and two daughter in laws. And 143 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:17,190 S2: so I have a lot of practice at this. 144 00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:22,910 S1: You use the two words several times there, and anybody 145 00:08:22,910 --> 00:08:26,390 S1: who's listening carefully will hear the same thing. You have said, 146 00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:30,230 S1: do the hard work and your daughters have done the 147 00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:34,709 S1: hard work. I want you to explain that today, and 148 00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:36,710 S1: I want to I want to push you on some 149 00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:39,990 S1: of these things because this is a really good resource. 150 00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:43,030 S1: If there's a mom who's listening right now and you're 151 00:08:43,030 --> 00:08:45,630 S1: pulling your hair, pulling your hair out because you say, 152 00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:48,740 S1: I don't understand my daughter, why isn't she doing what 153 00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:50,900 S1: I tell her to do or pushing back on this? 154 00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:53,860 S1: Or how do I have the talk with her and 155 00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:56,579 S1: all of the different hormonal changes that she is going through, 156 00:08:56,620 --> 00:09:02,500 S1: or whatever the situation is? Raising daughters is a great resource. 157 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:07,820 S1: It's our featured resource. Click through today's information at. Kris. Kris, 158 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:13,340 S1: your subtitle to Christian Moms Guide for the Lifelong Journey. 159 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:15,740 S1: I'm going to ask more questions. And if you want 160 00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,020 S1: to talk with September, if you want to give a 161 00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:21,100 S1: specific thing that is going on between you and your 162 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:37,140 S1: daughter or you and your mom. (877) 548-3675. We're talking about 163 00:09:37,140 --> 00:09:40,740 S1: raising daughters with September McCarthy today. Her book is our 164 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:44,300 S1: featured resource at Chris Fabry Live. It's a Christian mom's 165 00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:52,920 S1: guide for the lifelong journey. 87754836750. Number. Okay, September, has 166 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,600 S1: anybody else that played that song for you when they 167 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,040 S1: had you on their program? 168 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,440 S2: I no one has ever played that, but I actually 169 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,760 S2: appreciate it. I started smiling when I heard that because 170 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,520 S2: I play that at home all the time. 171 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:07,720 S1: There is such joy in earth, wind and fire when 172 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,640 S1: they sing that. So I had to. I had to 173 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,719 S1: sneak that in. I didn't ask September's permission, so I'm 174 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:15,720 S1: glad I did that. Okay, so the hard question about 175 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,040 S1: the hard work when you say I had to do 176 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,800 S1: some hard work and my daughters had to do hard work, 177 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,920 S1: what does that mean? 178 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,400 S2: So I think just in simple terms, for myself, it 179 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:31,800 S2: looked like I needed to slow down and to listen 180 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,960 S2: to what my girls were really saying. I needed to 181 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,599 S2: look at what they were doing and see that from 182 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,240 S2: their own, uh, you know, from their own life view 183 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,160 S2: and not just what may have annoyed me or what 184 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,670 S2: I thought they were doing just to be a good listener. Um, 185 00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:51,990 S2: I needed to learn to create emotional safety. And I 186 00:10:51,990 --> 00:10:55,510 S2: think that is where if you create this in your home, 187 00:10:55,510 --> 00:10:58,470 S2: your daughters can be honest without a fear of rejection. 188 00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:01,190 S2: So creating emotional safety is like a really big thing 189 00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:04,710 S2: when you're raising girls. And the hard work, I think 190 00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:08,470 S2: for both them and myself, for any mom listening, is 191 00:11:08,470 --> 00:11:12,189 S2: that we live this authentic faith. And this is a 192 00:11:12,190 --> 00:11:15,590 S2: big theme in the book because, you know, we reference, 193 00:11:15,590 --> 00:11:17,630 S2: I think you read this earlier. Looking in the mirror 194 00:11:17,670 --> 00:11:22,070 S2: is really important for us as moms and, you know, 195 00:11:22,110 --> 00:11:25,670 S2: asking ourselves, What is God? See, when I look in 196 00:11:25,670 --> 00:11:26,990 S2: the mirror, when I look in the mirror, how do 197 00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:29,550 S2: I see myself? How does God see me? Because if 198 00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:32,949 S2: you really bring that back down to everyday life, that 199 00:11:32,950 --> 00:11:35,990 S2: is the point from which you are raising your daughters, 200 00:11:35,990 --> 00:11:41,310 S2: from how you see yourself. And so kind of revisiting 201 00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,710 S2: that is really important. And I begin the book with that. 202 00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:48,370 S2: So identity it's a really foundational. And I helped my 203 00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:51,770 S2: daughters and they worked with me on this. To understand 204 00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:55,530 S2: their worth is not based on their appearance or achievement 205 00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:58,929 S2: or on approval. And so we had this dance. We 206 00:11:58,929 --> 00:12:01,450 S2: always had this dance with, you know, what is the 207 00:12:01,450 --> 00:12:03,890 S2: world think. What do you think? What does God think? 208 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,210 S2: This is how I see you. So we learned some 209 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,530 S2: some good dance steps. Sometimes they were avoidant, sometimes they 210 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:14,730 S2: were intentional. But I always I always talk to my 211 00:12:14,730 --> 00:12:16,810 S2: older girls. I think some of my older girls kind 212 00:12:16,809 --> 00:12:19,650 S2: of grew up with me. We both grew up together 213 00:12:19,650 --> 00:12:21,890 S2: at the same time, and they were very patient with me, 214 00:12:21,890 --> 00:12:23,370 S2: so they had to do a lot of hard work 215 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:23,970 S2: as well. 216 00:12:24,450 --> 00:12:28,570 S1: Because when you were young, when you were a daughter, 217 00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:31,809 S1: you and then you had two younger brothers, right? 218 00:12:32,570 --> 00:12:33,930 S2: I had two brothers. Right. 219 00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:40,090 S1: Yeah. And so you you felt how did you feel? 220 00:12:40,410 --> 00:12:43,390 S1: You tell me who you are. You felt like you weren't. 221 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:47,709 S1: You were doing, uh, thing, not girl things that your 222 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,510 S1: mom did or who taught you. You were a little 223 00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:51,830 S1: different than her, right? 224 00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,590 S2: Yeah, I was very, you know, I my mom and 225 00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:57,270 S2: I were very different. And, you know, with my seven girls, 226 00:12:57,270 --> 00:13:00,590 S2: I would say very much all seven of my daughters 227 00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:05,590 S2: are very different. So working, um, to raise my daughters, 228 00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:08,110 S2: pulling out their unique attributes and the way that they 229 00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:12,270 S2: are was something I had to work through really early 230 00:13:12,270 --> 00:13:15,429 S2: on to recognize how God made them and who they 231 00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:17,910 S2: were made to be, and not just what was comfortable 232 00:13:17,910 --> 00:13:20,429 S2: for me. You know, if if they grew up and 233 00:13:20,429 --> 00:13:23,630 S2: they liked makeup and I didn't care for makeup or jewelry, 234 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,230 S2: you know, I'm just kind of a very earthy type 235 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:28,870 S2: of girl. But some of my girls are, you know, 236 00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:32,110 S2: princessy and they love their makeup and all of the 237 00:13:32,150 --> 00:13:35,030 S2: frilly things. And so even just simple things like that, 238 00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,990 S2: just to realize these are special things to them, and 239 00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:40,390 S2: there's nothing wrong with that. And so I had to 240 00:13:40,429 --> 00:13:43,420 S2: become very adaptable and very intentional. 241 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:47,339 S1: Uh, let me follow up with that and then go 242 00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:49,819 S1: back to something you said a minute ago. But there 243 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:52,179 S1: are different places in the book that are just you 244 00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:57,220 S1: say things very succinctly, and they almost jumped off the 245 00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:59,860 S1: page at me. And one of them was, you wrote, 246 00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:02,740 S1: I have never felt beautiful. Why? 247 00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:07,260 S2: Um, because when I was growing up, I don't think 248 00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:10,939 S2: I ever had my identity rooted in a belief system, 249 00:14:10,940 --> 00:14:13,819 S2: that I was loved no matter what, by God or 250 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:17,700 S2: my mom. It felt very conditional. And I think our 251 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:21,780 S2: belief system, our identity, is connected to how a girl, 252 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:26,300 S2: a daughter, a woman feels about herself, and when she 253 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,980 S2: looks in the mirror. And so it took a long 254 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:33,020 S2: time for me to actually believed, to believe that I 255 00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:36,900 S2: was loved no matter what. That my choices or preferences 256 00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,940 S2: on how I dressed or the things I like to do, 257 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,360 S2: even though they were different from my mom or other 258 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,600 S2: people in our circles were okay. And that made me 259 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,480 S2: just as beautiful. And so, um, I just needed to 260 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:53,720 S2: remember and be really rooted and grounded in my identity 261 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,640 S2: and how Christ saw me. And that transformed my thinking. 262 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,240 S2: And I've tried to really work hard with my daughters to, um, 263 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:05,640 S2: know that, uh, we can make mistakes, that none of 264 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,200 S2: us are perfect. But this is how God sees us, 265 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,120 S2: and he sees us as beautiful. 266 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,360 S1: Which leads me back to my follow up question about 267 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,080 S1: emotional safety. You say you need to create emotional safety. 268 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,360 S1: How do you do that? How do you create that? 269 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,239 S1: Because it sounds like if you didn't, if everything was conditional, 270 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,240 S1: it was all performance oriented for you. Uh, not being 271 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,240 S1: too mean to your to your mom here. If mom's listening. 272 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,200 S1: But if if that's the kind of, uh, bake a 273 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,520 S1: cake that you were baked in where you always felt 274 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,990 S1: like that everything was conditional. How do you create the 275 00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:46,110 S1: emotional safety then when you didn't experience that before? 276 00:15:47,910 --> 00:15:50,390 S2: Well, one of the things that I really wanted to 277 00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:54,190 S2: emphasize in this book is communication with our girls and 278 00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:57,550 S2: building a relationship of trust. So from the time my 279 00:15:57,550 --> 00:16:02,430 S2: daughters were really little, we talked about everything, and I 280 00:16:02,430 --> 00:16:05,190 S2: always told them, no matter what happens, even if you 281 00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:08,790 S2: think there's something in your life that may be confusing 282 00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:13,430 S2: or concerning or conflicting to what we believe or think, 283 00:16:13,870 --> 00:16:15,710 S2: I want you to always tell me and I'll always 284 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:18,070 S2: be a safe place for you. So that was a 285 00:16:18,070 --> 00:16:22,310 S2: place where they could communicate. But also emotional safety is 286 00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:26,470 S2: being silly or liking something different that maybe the rest 287 00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:29,190 S2: of their sisters or their mom, like, you know, like 288 00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:33,550 S2: whether it's clothing or, um, entertainment, any all of those like, 289 00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:37,390 S2: simple peripheral things as we raise our girls. But emotional 290 00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:40,970 S2: safety is also learning to laugh with one another. Learning 291 00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:43,890 S2: to say we're sorry. Learning to say I will never 292 00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:46,450 S2: be the perfect mom, and I won't be able to 293 00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:49,250 S2: fill all of those places in your life that you 294 00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:52,930 S2: may need, but I'm trying. So emotional safety looks like 295 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:57,770 S2: humility and asking for forgiveness. And and then also, as 296 00:16:57,770 --> 00:17:00,650 S2: I raise my daughters, they knew my story. They knew 297 00:17:00,690 --> 00:17:04,730 S2: that I struggled with insecurity and fear of losing connection 298 00:17:04,730 --> 00:17:07,290 S2: with them and that I would over parent because of that. 299 00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:10,770 S2: And so, um, that was another place where I put 300 00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:14,610 S2: my trust in them that they would be patient. So they, um, 301 00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:17,170 S2: my daughters learned a lot about me, and I learned 302 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:20,090 S2: a lot about them, and it just made us both 303 00:17:20,090 --> 00:17:23,290 S2: more courageous. I think emotional safety looks a lot of 304 00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:28,330 S2: different ways, but I think it's a great way to 305 00:17:28,369 --> 00:17:31,130 S2: transition into the teen years. And then, of course, those 306 00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,450 S2: late teens and early 20s. So when they're adults and 307 00:17:33,450 --> 00:17:36,800 S2: they have their own girls, they remember I remember that 308 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,200 S2: I can call my mom no matter what, anytime. And 309 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,280 S2: they still do. My older daughters call me no matter 310 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,440 S2: what all the time. 311 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,119 S3: So all through this process. 312 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:47,239 S1: Then you are. It's because you can think of a 313 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,600 S1: parent to child parent. You're teaching you, you're raising, you're 314 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,200 S1: raising daughters. You're raising this child to be who God 315 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,120 S1: created them to be, not necessarily who you want them 316 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,879 S1: to be. And you're there's a free flowing amount of 317 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,240 S1: information that's going back and forth. But it sounds like 318 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:08,200 S1: from your standpoint, you are learning as much from them 319 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,000 S1: as they are learning as they're learning from you. Is 320 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:11,439 S1: that true? 321 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,120 S2: Mhm. I think that should be the way it is. I, 322 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,920 S2: I don't think I've ever entered a relationship that I 323 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:23,000 S2: felt that I would be more superior or be prepared. Um, 324 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,800 S2: because we're always learning right. And so I, I of 325 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,119 S2: course have learned a thing or two and I parent 326 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:33,120 S2: from that place also. But going into that, I'd like 327 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,220 S2: to see it this way. All of our girls, all 328 00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:37,940 S2: of our daughters are different. I can't I cannot raise 329 00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:41,500 S2: my second daughter the way I raised my first daughter. And, 330 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,620 S2: you know, we have seven girls. And so I was 331 00:18:43,619 --> 00:18:48,139 S2: always learning these new things about my daughters. And, um, 332 00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:50,580 S2: we had our own little dance, each one of us. 333 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:55,700 S2: And the dance would look like timing and, um, heart conversations. 334 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,139 S2: Some of my daughters don't like to talk about those things. 335 00:18:58,140 --> 00:18:59,820 S2: Some of them don't like to talk at all. So 336 00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:03,300 S2: I had to learn their love language. And so, uh, 337 00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:05,659 S2: it was a dance, and I just didn't want to 338 00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:09,900 S2: go into this, raising these girls, thinking that I knew 339 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,900 S2: everything that was going to happen. Because I think parenting 340 00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:15,860 S2: from a place of pride, uh, really does not create 341 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,300 S2: any kind of healthy relationship. 342 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:24,340 S1: Um, what is success as a mom of daughters, raising daughters? 343 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:25,619 S1: What is success? 344 00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:29,940 S2: You know, I've used that analogy about looking in the mirror, 345 00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:32,979 S2: and I, I don't know if I would have been 346 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,320 S2: able to answer this question until just a couple of 347 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,680 S2: years ago. And I think that's why I didn't feel 348 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,040 S2: called to write this book until healing with my own 349 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:44,040 S2: mother daughter relationship had been processed. And then also now 350 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,280 S2: I have adult daughters who have daughters of their own. 351 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,960 S2: And I just remember looking at one of my daughters 352 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,560 S2: when she was getting married. And, you know, you stand 353 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,240 S2: behind your daughters when they are putting their wedding dress 354 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,879 S2: on and you're pulling the veil back and adjusting everything, 355 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,720 S2: and everyone's looking in the mirror. And I was standing 356 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,800 S2: behind my daughter and she's looking in the mirror and 357 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,480 S2: I'm looking over her shoulder. And I just remember in 358 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,119 S2: that moment thinking, wow, we have come so far. And 359 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:15,440 S2: here she is. But when I looked in the mirror, 360 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,000 S2: I remember thinking I wasn't even thinking of her as 361 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,399 S2: like a little girl or all those emotional moments I 362 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,560 S2: was thinking, I see, I see Jesus in her and 363 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,840 S2: she's she's ready. She's ready to move away from me 364 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,310 S2: and to live out life no matter what happens. Because 365 00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:36,590 S2: she is, uh, she is loved by God no matter what. 366 00:20:36,590 --> 00:20:38,990 S2: And she knows that. And that was, to me, success, 367 00:20:38,990 --> 00:20:42,590 S2: knowing that she believed that. And now I see my 368 00:20:42,590 --> 00:20:46,190 S2: older daughters. And I think it's really not my success, 369 00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:56,750 S2: but it's like a partnership. And I see success as, uh, confidence, um, growth, uh, beautiful, um, habits. 370 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,950 S2: I talk about that in the book, some, some very 371 00:20:58,950 --> 00:21:03,270 S2: foundational habits, whether it's our daughters learning to how to 372 00:21:03,270 --> 00:21:06,990 S2: control their words or spending time in the word or 373 00:21:06,990 --> 00:21:09,790 S2: habits of their household, all of those things that I 374 00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:12,590 S2: flesh out in the book. And I think success is 375 00:21:12,590 --> 00:21:15,230 S2: just knowing that you have done the best you can, 376 00:21:15,230 --> 00:21:17,670 S2: and they know they are loved no matter what. 377 00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:22,510 S1: I and I think you're saying this, but I also 378 00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:26,550 S1: feel like whether it's son or daughter, but especially daughters, 379 00:21:26,710 --> 00:21:33,170 S1: success is you have you are trusting yourself enough to 380 00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:38,410 S1: be able to make decisions or responses to situations, circumstances, 381 00:21:38,410 --> 00:21:41,090 S1: whatever's going on in your life to say this doesn't 382 00:21:41,090 --> 00:21:44,410 S1: feel right. There's something off here, and you don't have 383 00:21:44,410 --> 00:21:47,650 S1: to understand that all and and even act on that. 384 00:21:47,650 --> 00:21:51,689 S1: But just to be able to say, I don't I 385 00:21:51,690 --> 00:21:54,690 S1: don't know what's off, but there's something off here to 386 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:58,570 S1: be able to say that and then be open to it, 387 00:21:58,570 --> 00:22:01,530 S1: I think is is success. What do you think? 388 00:22:02,290 --> 00:22:05,290 S2: I think that's great. Yeah, I agree with that. And I, 389 00:22:05,530 --> 00:22:10,770 S2: I know that when my, my daughters come to me now, um, 390 00:22:10,770 --> 00:22:15,450 S2: and then my youngest is 15 and they say, you know, 391 00:22:15,490 --> 00:22:17,889 S2: they say I need to talk or I can tell 392 00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:20,050 S2: that something's going on. And I and we have this 393 00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:23,250 S2: relationship where I can wait. Sometimes we have to wait 394 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:26,130 S2: to ask and say the hard things. But, um, I 395 00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:29,250 S2: think it's success as far as, you know, relationally when 396 00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:33,439 S2: you know that you're in touch with your your daughter's 397 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,959 S2: feelings and emotions and the way they communicate and how 398 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,760 S2: they're doing in life. But for a mom, I think 399 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,520 S2: success in raising daughters is different than how a daughter 400 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,159 S2: is going to see success. They're going to be like, well, 401 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,520 S2: I think I have everything I need to know. Um, see, mom. 402 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,159 S2: And for moms, you know, moms, I think we just 403 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,119 S2: we just watch and we wait and then we say, wow, 404 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,040 S2: they're doing so great. They're so beautiful. Like, I could 405 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,200 S2: not have even imagined life could have turned out like this. 406 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,280 S2: And when I have those moments, I think there's really 407 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,880 S2: not much more to me to do here than to 408 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,600 S2: be present in their lives and to enjoy this, this 409 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,640 S2: fruit and and what's happened here. 410 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,000 S3: How much of raising. 411 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,560 S1: Daughters well is about listening. 412 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,880 S2: Oh, man, I would say probably 70%. Yes, I do 413 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:25,480 S2: a lot of talking, but listening is my late night activity. 414 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,520 S2: You know, they crawl into your room, on your bed, 415 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,620 S2: even when you're in bed and they're talking about their 416 00:23:30,619 --> 00:23:34,060 S2: day and they're talking about everything, that doesn't really matter 417 00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:36,859 S2: at 10:00, 11:00 at night and you just want to 418 00:23:36,859 --> 00:23:41,060 S2: go to sleep. But listening, listening in the car when 419 00:23:41,060 --> 00:23:43,419 S2: they're talking to each other, listening when they're talking to 420 00:23:43,460 --> 00:23:46,859 S2: their friends, it's not just about being available. I think 421 00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:51,860 S2: listening to what they're saying, who they're friends with, their 422 00:23:51,859 --> 00:23:55,020 S2: patterns of their thought processes has come out. All of 423 00:23:55,020 --> 00:23:59,260 S2: those things. And listening gives you an inside look into 424 00:23:59,260 --> 00:24:02,700 S2: what's going on in their heart and their life, because sometimes, um, 425 00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,300 S2: they won't tell you directly, you know, I'm struggling with 426 00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:08,220 S2: a friendship or they won't say I'm feeling kind of 427 00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:11,939 S2: down lately, or I'm struggling with social media, but paying 428 00:24:11,980 --> 00:24:15,940 S2: attention and listening in those non engaging moments is just 429 00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:16,699 S2: as important. 430 00:24:16,900 --> 00:24:17,340 S3: Yeah. 431 00:24:17,619 --> 00:24:20,820 S1: Oh there's so much here September to talk about. And 432 00:24:20,820 --> 00:24:23,460 S1: I want to open the lines uh, especially to moms 433 00:24:23,460 --> 00:24:25,580 S1: who are raising daughters. But you might be a daughter 434 00:24:25,619 --> 00:24:27,560 S1: talking about your mom. You can tell me something that 435 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,439 S1: your mom has done well, a success that you and 436 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,320 S1: your relationship that you have with your mom. But if 437 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,200 S1: you're a mom and there's a struggle that you have, 438 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,199 S1: and maybe that's just it, that September mentioned the social 439 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,280 S1: media and the internet and how much information there is 440 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,440 S1: out there. Is that where you're struggling with your daughter 441 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,440 S1: right now, or do you even have a relationship? Maybe 442 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,280 S1: that there has been a fracture there and you think 443 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:56,320 S1: maybe I'll never have that relationship that September is talking about? 444 00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:06,240 S1: Here's the number 87754836758775483675. If you go to the website Chris. 445 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:12,520 S1: Org you'll see September McCarthy wife homeschool mom. She has 446 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,639 S1: seven daughters of differing ages now so that all seven 447 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,560 S1: aren't in the home at the same time. But you 448 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:22,080 S1: can imagine what her late nights were like as she 449 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,430 S1: was raising those seven daughters along with her husband. That's 450 00:25:25,430 --> 00:25:27,869 S1: another question I have. I want to talk about that 451 00:25:27,869 --> 00:25:32,350 S1: emotional safety and dads as well. And we'll do that. 452 00:25:32,350 --> 00:25:38,990 S1: And your calls at (877) 548-3675 raising daughters. A Christian Moms 453 00:25:38,990 --> 00:25:42,950 S1: Guide for the Lifelong Journey is written by September McCarthy. 454 00:25:42,950 --> 00:25:45,870 S1: It's her featured resource. Click through today's information right there 455 00:25:45,869 --> 00:26:05,869 S1: at the website. Chris. Talking about Raising Daughters today on 456 00:26:05,869 --> 00:26:10,590 S1: Chris Fabry Live and an excellent resource. By September McCarthy, 457 00:26:11,030 --> 00:26:15,109 S1: who's written two other books, Why Motherhood Matters Hope for 458 00:26:15,109 --> 00:26:18,949 S1: Your Home School, This is Raising Daughters A Christian Mom's 459 00:26:18,950 --> 00:26:22,030 S1: Guide for the Lifelong Journey. You'll find more about her 460 00:26:22,670 --> 00:26:29,330 S1: and that book at Chris. Chris favorite. Before we go 461 00:26:29,330 --> 00:26:31,330 S1: to your calls, I want to ask you about that 462 00:26:31,330 --> 00:26:35,369 S1: dad quotient there September because if I don't ask you, 463 00:26:35,369 --> 00:26:39,369 S1: I'll forget it. Uh, how important are dads to the 464 00:26:39,490 --> 00:26:43,570 S1: creating emotional safety in the home? And what is the 465 00:26:43,570 --> 00:26:47,250 S1: difference between in a dads relationship with a daughter and 466 00:26:47,290 --> 00:26:49,929 S1: then a mom's relationship? I know you're not a dad, 467 00:26:49,930 --> 00:26:52,170 S1: but you've seen a good one at work. 468 00:26:53,930 --> 00:26:56,810 S2: Yeah. My, uh, my dad had a huge influence in 469 00:26:56,810 --> 00:26:59,850 S2: my life. Um, he wasn't always able to be present, 470 00:26:59,850 --> 00:27:02,210 S2: but I always knew that he loved me. And so 471 00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:06,290 S2: for maybe single moms or those who are raised without 472 00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:09,250 S2: a dad, you know, I think just knowing that they 473 00:27:09,290 --> 00:27:12,730 S2: are loved is very important. So. But my husband has 474 00:27:12,730 --> 00:27:17,770 S2: been present for our daughters, and it's such a different relationship. Uh, 475 00:27:17,770 --> 00:27:20,490 S2: I think one of the most top things I would 476 00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:24,720 S2: share in today's Uh, conversation is this, and that is mom's, 477 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,040 S2: you know, just don't take everything personally. Like at the 478 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,760 S2: top of this book. That would be one of my 479 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,560 S2: biggest quotes. And that comes along with being in a 480 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:38,160 S2: parenting partnership with your husband or your daughter's dad. And 481 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,600 S2: that is because some of your daughters will gravitate towards 482 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,359 S2: their dad. They they will be very much the same 483 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,600 S2: or they will feel a stronger connection. They may feel 484 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,439 S2: that they can talk to them. They may be frustrated 485 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,280 S2: with you as a mom and you just don't take 486 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,240 S2: that personally. Just be thankful that you have that. And 487 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,959 S2: I had to learn that the hard way just to 488 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,280 S2: be thankful that my husband was present. They had a 489 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,520 S2: dad who they could have a relationship with. His presence 490 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,960 S2: was really valuable to them. Some of my daughters gravitate 491 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:12,080 S2: and have to talking to me, and some of them 492 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,200 S2: go to my husband and then we connect and we 493 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,520 S2: talk about those things. But, um, you know, he just 494 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,219 S2: shows up in a way, a different way than I can. 495 00:28:22,260 --> 00:28:26,820 S2: I think moms raising daughters, we become very emotionally connected 496 00:28:26,820 --> 00:28:31,580 S2: in the steps and the process. We're helping our girls learn. 497 00:28:31,580 --> 00:28:34,660 S2: So many things show up to be responsible, and it 498 00:28:34,660 --> 00:28:37,140 S2: steps one and two and three. And then our husbands 499 00:28:37,140 --> 00:28:38,820 S2: enter and they're like, oh, do you need a hug? 500 00:28:38,820 --> 00:28:40,140 S2: Or what can I do to support you? And it 501 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:43,260 S2: just seems so easy. So um, it's really not it's 502 00:28:43,260 --> 00:28:45,580 S2: a different kind of role. And so don't become kind 503 00:28:45,620 --> 00:28:48,900 S2: of grudging towards your daughters, dad, if that's the way 504 00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:52,380 S2: they show up. Just be thankful. But my my husband 505 00:28:52,380 --> 00:28:56,540 S2: just was very, um, a great girl, dad. He was 506 00:28:56,540 --> 00:29:01,340 S2: very supportive. He stepped into the process, uh, deeply when 507 00:29:01,340 --> 00:29:06,820 S2: our daughters, um, began to date or, um, had friendships 508 00:29:06,820 --> 00:29:08,940 S2: and conversations, and he's. 509 00:29:08,940 --> 00:29:10,900 S1: Okay. Tell me about that. Go, go, go with the 510 00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:12,500 S1: date thing, because that was one of the things in 511 00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:15,100 S1: the book I really liked about him and the the 512 00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:17,780 S1: prospective guy coming along. 513 00:29:19,180 --> 00:29:22,760 S2: Yeah. So I think over the years my husband had 514 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,720 S2: to learn how to become a girl dad, too. I mean, 515 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,600 S2: but he is a true girl, dad now. Like he 516 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,560 S2: does and talks about all the things. But one of 517 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,000 S2: the things he did take quite seriously is when, you know, 518 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:34,760 S2: a guy would enter the picture. So I wrote a 519 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:38,760 S2: whole chapter on friends and boyfriends, and one of the 520 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:42,960 S2: things my husband has worked really hard with is and 521 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,320 S2: I don't want to sound formal and very like legalistic, 522 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,920 S2: because it's not this interview process that he works through 523 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,400 S2: with our girls before they get to the age of dating. 524 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,920 S2: So he, he and I sit down with the girls 525 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:59,960 S2: as they're growing up. I'd say probably age 11 to 526 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,400 S2: 15 is a good time to do this and just 527 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:05,280 S2: have them establish a list of things that they're looking 528 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,440 S2: for in a friend. And so when they have that 529 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,560 S2: basic list, my husband reminds, our girls like, this can 530 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:15,880 S2: be guys and girls. This friend list. And then as 531 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,160 S2: they get a little closer to 15 or 16, he 532 00:30:18,270 --> 00:30:20,550 S2: starts having this discussion with them, and the age would 533 00:30:20,550 --> 00:30:23,670 S2: be different for other people. But you know, someday you're 534 00:30:23,670 --> 00:30:27,790 S2: going to, you know, marry someone perhaps. And if you do, 535 00:30:27,830 --> 00:30:30,590 S2: then what would you look for in a husband? And 536 00:30:30,630 --> 00:30:33,110 S2: of course, they don't know. I mean, of course, handsome 537 00:30:33,110 --> 00:30:36,150 S2: is at the top of the list, but he helps 538 00:30:36,150 --> 00:30:38,270 S2: them and I help them develop. And I share that 539 00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:41,070 S2: those lists in this book, just to give some starting points. 540 00:30:41,070 --> 00:30:44,510 S2: But then when it's time for them to start dating, 541 00:30:44,550 --> 00:30:47,830 S2: they have an interest in someone he actually meets with, 542 00:30:47,950 --> 00:30:51,030 S2: with the fella. And he sits down and he talks 543 00:30:51,030 --> 00:30:54,430 S2: to them, you know, just very not interview process, but 544 00:30:54,430 --> 00:30:57,870 S2: just ask some good, hard questions not to put them 545 00:30:57,870 --> 00:31:01,510 S2: on the spot. He encourages them, um, gets to know 546 00:31:01,510 --> 00:31:04,990 S2: them and just, you know, helps them, make them feel 547 00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:09,310 S2: at ease. And just then of course, lays out some expectations. And, um, 548 00:31:09,310 --> 00:31:13,510 S2: he stays engaged in the relationship from their end. And, um, 549 00:31:13,510 --> 00:31:15,550 S2: we've had some great success. We have some son in 550 00:31:15,550 --> 00:31:18,890 S2: laws that are amazing. And so it's just he's been 551 00:31:18,890 --> 00:31:21,530 S2: very engaged. And I think that's a big a big 552 00:31:21,530 --> 00:31:23,650 S2: part of it to be engaged. It's just going to 553 00:31:23,650 --> 00:31:25,730 S2: look very different than a mother. 554 00:31:26,130 --> 00:31:30,250 S1: But not heavy handed. He's not, uh, Mr. Darcy comes 555 00:31:30,290 --> 00:31:35,170 S1: Pride and Prejudice. No you're not. He's not sweating and 556 00:31:35,170 --> 00:31:38,570 S1: pulling the collar. But the girls know. Yeah, this is 557 00:31:38,570 --> 00:31:40,250 S1: part of the process, right? 558 00:31:40,290 --> 00:31:43,970 S2: Yeah. Yeah, they actually love that. Because what happens with girls, 559 00:31:44,130 --> 00:31:47,490 S2: I think in today's culture they get they feel stuck. 560 00:31:47,530 --> 00:31:51,490 S2: You know, dating is is used loosely in today's culture. Well, 561 00:31:51,490 --> 00:31:54,050 S2: I'm going to get a boyfriend. And then they feel 562 00:31:54,050 --> 00:31:57,970 S2: stuck because they haven't stayed engaged with my my husband 563 00:31:57,970 --> 00:32:00,890 S2: or I. Let's just say that's a scenario. And then 564 00:32:00,890 --> 00:32:03,130 S2: they can't get out of a relationship because they don't 565 00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:06,610 S2: have someone supporting them. They don't have someone talking them 566 00:32:06,610 --> 00:32:09,690 S2: through those things. They don't have an inside look. And 567 00:32:09,690 --> 00:32:13,170 S2: so it's just more of adding a third person to 568 00:32:13,210 --> 00:32:17,680 S2: the relationship for, um, for our daughters also to have 569 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,600 S2: a safety to say, hey, dad, you know, this this, 570 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:23,400 S2: this guy. I just don't think this is a good fit. 571 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,000 S2: What should I do? And it just gives them both this, 572 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:31,040 S2: this guy and our daughter a chance to work through 573 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,640 S2: this with someone else. Because, uh, relationships are difficult, and 574 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,760 S2: so are friendships. And, uh, so he. Yeah. No, he's 575 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:41,280 S2: not heavy handed at all. He's very quiet and sweet, 576 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:44,560 S2: and they all my girls know that. So. And the guys, 577 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,680 S2: they guys later, they all the guy guys that date 578 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,920 S2: our daughters. Oh I met with so-and-so's dad and he's 579 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,520 S2: really cool. And he made me laugh so hard. And 580 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,560 S2: you know, he asked me some hard questions, but I'm 581 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,680 S2: so glad that he did. And he and then he 582 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,040 S2: he ends up mentoring them. It's just it's a really 583 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:00,960 S2: neat process. 584 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,760 S1: See what I see after going through this book, Raising Daughters, 585 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,960 S1: what I see in this book is that you present 586 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,120 S1: a scenario where there is a freedom for you to 587 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:15,020 S1: be who you were created to be as a mom 588 00:33:15,540 --> 00:33:19,220 S1: and then passed that on to your daughter. And if 589 00:33:19,220 --> 00:33:22,820 S1: she sees you being the unique creation that God made 590 00:33:22,820 --> 00:33:26,660 S1: you as a mom, she will catch that vision and 591 00:33:26,660 --> 00:33:30,380 S1: hopefully not become a clone of who you are, but 592 00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:34,620 S1: become who God uniquely made her to be. So there's 593 00:33:34,620 --> 00:33:40,979 S1: just this freedom of and communication and this dance that 594 00:33:40,980 --> 00:33:44,100 S1: you talk about. And it's not doing every making every 595 00:33:44,100 --> 00:33:46,860 S1: right choice and saying everything right. That was one of 596 00:33:46,860 --> 00:33:49,180 S1: the questions I wanted to ask you today is, when 597 00:33:49,180 --> 00:33:52,100 S1: have you said something that you regretted and how did 598 00:33:52,100 --> 00:33:55,180 S1: that turn out? So you think about that. If you 599 00:33:55,180 --> 00:33:59,300 S1: go to Chris org, you'll see Raising Daughters by our 600 00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:03,980 S1: guest September McCarthy. And Suzanne is on the line. Hi, Suzanne. 601 00:34:03,980 --> 00:34:05,220 S1: Why did you call today? 602 00:34:05,940 --> 00:34:06,940 S4: Hi. How are you? 603 00:34:07,580 --> 00:34:08,219 S1: Doing great. 604 00:34:08,219 --> 00:34:14,290 S4: Thank you. I'm calling. Um, my daughter's 33 And, um, 605 00:34:14,290 --> 00:34:20,129 S4: she's always been very introverted and it's been very hard 606 00:34:20,130 --> 00:34:25,170 S4: to have a relationship with her because when she was younger, 607 00:34:25,370 --> 00:34:28,250 S4: I probably ended up talking for her. So now she's 608 00:34:28,250 --> 00:34:32,050 S4: gotten in that habit that when she's with family and 609 00:34:32,050 --> 00:34:34,649 S4: we live in Michigan, she lives out west. So when 610 00:34:34,650 --> 00:34:39,370 S4: she comes into town, she kind of reverts to the old, um, 611 00:34:39,450 --> 00:34:44,089 S4: habit that I've always spoken for her. So it's very 612 00:34:44,090 --> 00:34:48,450 S4: hard to have a relationship with her. So I appreciate 613 00:34:48,450 --> 00:34:49,210 S4: your advice. 614 00:34:50,370 --> 00:34:52,850 S1: I'm glad you got through today, September. What do you say? 615 00:34:53,530 --> 00:34:56,850 S2: Yeah. I'm so glad that you got through. Also, I, um, 616 00:34:56,890 --> 00:34:59,490 S2: the first thing that comes to my mind in this 617 00:34:59,489 --> 00:35:03,250 S2: situation with your daughter is that I think it's just 618 00:35:03,250 --> 00:35:06,970 S2: the best thing to continue letting her know that you're 619 00:35:06,969 --> 00:35:10,250 S2: okay with who she is now, and that you just 620 00:35:10,250 --> 00:35:14,549 S2: spend your time together, doing what feels comfortable because I 621 00:35:14,550 --> 00:35:17,950 S2: think trying to change a scenario or the way someone 622 00:35:17,950 --> 00:35:20,710 S2: communicates when they're in their 30s is just going to 623 00:35:20,710 --> 00:35:25,069 S2: kind of push people apart even more. And so there 624 00:35:25,070 --> 00:35:27,509 S2: are many times that I spend with some of my 625 00:35:27,510 --> 00:35:31,070 S2: adult daughters, and we don't have a lot of conversation. 626 00:35:31,070 --> 00:35:34,030 S2: We're just on our laptops in the same room working 627 00:35:34,030 --> 00:35:37,310 S2: on something, or we'll drive to a store and we'll 628 00:35:37,310 --> 00:35:40,310 S2: get a cup of coffee and go to the farmers 629 00:35:40,310 --> 00:35:42,870 S2: market and get some things and go back home. And 630 00:35:42,870 --> 00:35:47,190 S2: so I think that just being present sometimes is enough 631 00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:51,629 S2: to reassure her and for yourself, just to know that 632 00:35:51,630 --> 00:35:54,550 S2: she loves you because she's continuing to spend time with you, 633 00:35:54,870 --> 00:35:58,430 S2: is a good thing. To keep reminding yourself that your 634 00:35:58,430 --> 00:36:00,230 S2: relationship is just going to look different. 635 00:36:00,510 --> 00:36:03,910 S1: And to let the relationship be what it is, rather 636 00:36:03,910 --> 00:36:07,150 S1: than trying to force it into or force her. Because. 637 00:36:07,190 --> 00:36:08,790 S1: Because one of the things I was thinking, would it 638 00:36:08,790 --> 00:36:11,410 S1: be helpful to sit down and have a conversation. Say, 639 00:36:11,450 --> 00:36:15,130 S1: you know, I daughter, whatever her name is. Say, Sally. 640 00:36:15,170 --> 00:36:18,290 S1: Sally I made I feel like I made some mistakes. 641 00:36:18,330 --> 00:36:20,770 S1: I have some regrets about always jumping in and saying 642 00:36:20,770 --> 00:36:24,490 S1: things when I could have let you, you know, answer 643 00:36:24,489 --> 00:36:28,010 S1: these questions, and I. I feel like that was hard 644 00:36:28,010 --> 00:36:30,970 S1: for you. And I really regret that. Would that be 645 00:36:30,969 --> 00:36:37,650 S1: something that you think could could be helpful? Uh, September? 646 00:36:38,410 --> 00:36:40,569 S2: Yes. I think that would be very helpful. In fact, 647 00:36:40,570 --> 00:36:43,450 S2: I just had a conversation like that with my daughter, 648 00:36:43,450 --> 00:36:47,089 S2: who is almost 33, and I said, I realize that 649 00:36:47,090 --> 00:36:50,730 S2: I frustrate you because I communicate with a lot of words. 650 00:36:50,730 --> 00:36:53,649 S2: And she doesn't. She's very quiet. She's like my husband. 651 00:36:53,969 --> 00:36:56,530 S2: I said, I know you think I'm dramatic and that 652 00:36:56,530 --> 00:37:01,530 S2: I get upset or I have a high emotional capacity, 653 00:37:01,530 --> 00:37:03,450 S2: but this is who I am. But what can I 654 00:37:03,450 --> 00:37:06,090 S2: do to help ease this frustration? Or what would be 655 00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:07,730 S2: a better way for me to spend my time with you? 656 00:37:07,730 --> 00:37:10,600 S2: And of course, she was very honest with me. And 657 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:13,600 S2: so I, uh, it was good for me to ask 658 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,319 S2: that question, because I'm realizing that now, sometimes we don't 659 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,360 S2: see these things until they're a little older. 660 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:25,000 S1: Right. So that brings you to a different level of communication, because, uh, Suzanne, 661 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:28,040 S1: it may be that your daughter would say to you, 662 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,080 S1: wait a minute. Time out here. Mom. No, I don't 663 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,640 S1: feel that way. Or, you know, she could she could 664 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,640 S1: kind of correct you on whatever it is. What do 665 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,000 S1: you think about that, Suzanne? 666 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:41,320 S4: Yes. I mean, I've tried in different ways, but maybe 667 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:46,120 S4: the approach that you're saying is, um. Yes, I like 668 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:47,240 S4: the idea. Yes. 669 00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:51,640 S1: Communication and then list being able to listen well. So 670 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:53,800 S1: here's what I want you to do, Suzanne. You hang on. 671 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,960 S1: Tricia's going to get your information. I want to send 672 00:37:55,960 --> 00:38:00,040 S1: you a copy of Raising Daughters by September McCarthy. Again, 673 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:08,820 S1: it's our featured resource at Chris. Chris. G more calls questions. 674 00:38:08,820 --> 00:38:12,860 S1: Moms and daughters, struggling or not, are coming up straight ahead. 675 00:38:12,860 --> 00:38:26,380 S1: This is Chris Fabry live on Moody Radio. The parents 676 00:38:26,380 --> 00:38:28,980 S1: are coming tomorrow on Chris Fabry live. They're back. Doctor 677 00:38:28,980 --> 00:38:33,340 S1: les doctor Leslie Parrott. Yeah, they married Les and Leslie 678 00:38:33,340 --> 00:38:35,380 S1: isn't that great? And they've written a book with Doctor 679 00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:38,860 S1: Gary Chapman. The love Language that matters most. It's our. 680 00:38:38,860 --> 00:38:40,580 S1: Thank you. This month, if you give a gift of 681 00:38:40,580 --> 00:38:43,660 S1: any size or become a back fence, partner with us 682 00:38:43,660 --> 00:38:45,379 S1: and give a gift each month, we want to send 683 00:38:45,380 --> 00:38:48,820 S1: that to you. Just go to Chris Fabry. Scroll down. 684 00:38:48,820 --> 00:38:51,500 S1: You'll see how to support this program and keep these 685 00:38:51,500 --> 00:38:56,700 S1: conversations going. Chris Fabry lives. And if you click through 686 00:38:56,700 --> 00:39:02,540 S1: today's information right there, you will see September McCarthy's excellent resource, 687 00:39:02,700 --> 00:39:09,370 S1: Raising Daughters again, Chris Fabry. live. Wilma's in Indiana. Wilma, 688 00:39:09,370 --> 00:39:10,650 S1: tell me why you called today. 689 00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:15,490 S5: Yes. Thank you for taking my call. My daughter is 22, 690 00:39:15,489 --> 00:39:19,089 S5: and I just, I think since the last maybe five years, 691 00:39:19,090 --> 00:39:22,290 S5: since my mother and my husband died, she has just 692 00:39:22,290 --> 00:39:25,410 S5: wild out. She doesn't listen or anything. I'm just. I'm 693 00:39:25,410 --> 00:39:27,890 S5: at my wit's end. And when I heard this come 694 00:39:27,890 --> 00:39:29,489 S5: on the radio, I was like, oh my God, I 695 00:39:29,530 --> 00:39:31,770 S5: need some kind of help. Maybe I can get her book, 696 00:39:31,770 --> 00:39:33,609 S5: maybe I can read something. Maybe I can learn something 697 00:39:33,610 --> 00:39:37,890 S5: from listening. So I'm just I don't know what to do, basically. 698 00:39:38,250 --> 00:39:41,010 S1: Yeah. Well, we're going to. You hang on after we 699 00:39:41,210 --> 00:39:43,410 S1: September answers. We're going to send you a copy of this. 700 00:39:43,410 --> 00:39:45,090 S1: But September, what would you say? 701 00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:48,930 S2: Well, I have found with my daughters between the ages 702 00:39:48,930 --> 00:39:52,930 S2: of 18 and 25, I basically don't expect them to 703 00:39:52,969 --> 00:39:56,610 S2: retain anything or everything I'm saying. It's it's when they 704 00:39:56,650 --> 00:39:59,330 S2: hit 25, I feel like their brains are finally developed 705 00:39:59,330 --> 00:40:03,089 S2: and I'm getting through. But we have to, you know, 706 00:40:03,130 --> 00:40:05,790 S2: have a relationship with them. And if they're living with us. That, 707 00:40:05,790 --> 00:40:09,190 S2: of course, then we have some responsibility there. So. Um, 708 00:40:09,230 --> 00:40:11,390 S2: here's a few things. I have a 21 year old 709 00:40:11,390 --> 00:40:13,830 S2: living in my house still right now, and I just 710 00:40:13,830 --> 00:40:17,590 S2: finally said to one of my, um, to my 21 711 00:40:17,590 --> 00:40:19,989 S2: year old, I said, listen, if we're going to have 712 00:40:19,989 --> 00:40:22,790 S2: this relationship and you're going to be at home, these 713 00:40:22,790 --> 00:40:25,469 S2: are the three R's. I made it simple, um, to 714 00:40:25,710 --> 00:40:28,790 S2: help us get through this navigate. And the first one 715 00:40:28,790 --> 00:40:32,270 S2: is respect. So the respect for us look like you 716 00:40:32,270 --> 00:40:35,230 S2: acknowledge what I say, whether you agree with it or not. 717 00:40:35,430 --> 00:40:38,910 S2: I'm not going to push on something unless it affects, um, 718 00:40:39,230 --> 00:40:43,950 S2: your own things. So raising our daughters with stewardship of 719 00:40:43,989 --> 00:40:50,110 S2: their money, their time, their responsibilities, all of those things 720 00:40:50,150 --> 00:40:53,870 S2: like there has to be a level of responsibility. So 721 00:40:53,870 --> 00:40:56,190 S2: the first one is respect. How they listen, how they 722 00:40:56,190 --> 00:41:00,870 S2: speak to me. And then the second thing is responsibility. Um, 723 00:41:01,030 --> 00:41:03,109 S2: and I always say to my girls, someday you're going 724 00:41:03,260 --> 00:41:04,620 S2: to be leaving home, and you're going to have to 725 00:41:04,620 --> 00:41:07,380 S2: do these things on your own, which is easy to say, right? 726 00:41:07,420 --> 00:41:11,140 S2: But if they're not capable or equipped, but if they are, 727 00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,739 S2: then I kind of put the onus on them. I'm like, 728 00:41:13,780 --> 00:41:16,660 S2: you have a responsibility, and if you want to stay 729 00:41:16,660 --> 00:41:19,100 S2: here at home and I want to have a relationship 730 00:41:19,100 --> 00:41:23,020 S2: with you, then you need to work on these responsibilities. 731 00:41:23,140 --> 00:41:26,580 S2: And the third thing is reflection. Sometimes there is a 732 00:41:26,580 --> 00:41:30,580 S2: roadblock I have found that is in our daughters hearts 733 00:41:30,580 --> 00:41:33,860 S2: or in their heads, that keeps us from pushing past something. 734 00:41:33,900 --> 00:41:37,180 S2: Maybe they've tuned us out. Maybe something happened, they're angry, 735 00:41:37,460 --> 00:41:41,420 S2: or they're working through something. And so I begin with 736 00:41:41,420 --> 00:41:45,979 S2: reflection and ask questions. Call them up. I say things like, 737 00:41:45,980 --> 00:41:48,580 S2: I know you are equipped. I know you are made 738 00:41:48,580 --> 00:41:51,100 S2: for more. I, I love you. I want to see 739 00:41:51,100 --> 00:41:53,739 S2: the best for you. And then I just, I try 740 00:41:53,739 --> 00:41:56,700 S2: to identify what that roadblock is by asking questions like, 741 00:41:56,739 --> 00:42:01,580 S2: have I done something to cause this place in your 742 00:42:01,580 --> 00:42:03,920 S2: heart where you can't hear me. So for me it 743 00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:08,960 S2: was three R's respect and then reflection, which identifies maybe 744 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,680 S2: what's going on with them and then calling them up 745 00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:14,640 S2: for their responsibilities. And then of course, you have to 746 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:16,359 S2: go from there and decide what you want to do 747 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:19,200 S2: with them living at home. But the ultimate goal is 748 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,320 S2: a relationship. But sometimes you have to work through those 749 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:22,799 S2: other things in the meantime. 750 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:26,319 S1: Yeah, and that's that's where the hard work comes in. 751 00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:30,000 S1: You said that earlier in the program. That is hard 752 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:33,279 S1: work because it you're talking about relationship and you can't 753 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,480 S1: control that as a mom. You can't control the reaction 754 00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:37,840 S1: of your daughter. Right. 755 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:42,160 S2: Mhm. Right. Yeah. Right. Sometimes they become resilient to what 756 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:46,680 S2: we're saying. So you know approaching these three R's with reassurance. 757 00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:50,719 S2: You know sometimes when we approach responsibility, you know when 758 00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,440 S2: you said she doesn't really listen to anything that you're saying, 759 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:57,359 S2: sometimes you might begin something like I see you're having 760 00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:01,020 S2: a hard time, I understand that something's wrong or you 761 00:43:01,060 --> 00:43:03,660 S2: went through x, y, z. But I want you to 762 00:43:03,700 --> 00:43:06,620 S2: know that I love you. But part of that love 763 00:43:06,620 --> 00:43:09,460 S2: is reminding you that you have some responsibilities, and I 764 00:43:09,460 --> 00:43:12,300 S2: want the best for you. So there's a way to 765 00:43:12,580 --> 00:43:15,980 S2: word our communication to them. 766 00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:16,580 S5: Yeah. 767 00:43:16,620 --> 00:43:20,940 S1: So you're affirming at the same time affirming the daughter, 768 00:43:20,940 --> 00:43:24,900 S1: and yet you're calling her to something more and showing her. 769 00:43:24,900 --> 00:43:27,340 S1: And she might, Wilma, she might show you some things 770 00:43:27,340 --> 00:43:29,620 S1: about yourself that you don't want to see. Have you 771 00:43:29,620 --> 00:43:30,219 S1: thought of that? 772 00:43:30,820 --> 00:43:34,620 S5: Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yes, yes. And then part of it too. Again, 773 00:43:34,660 --> 00:43:37,180 S5: like I said, my mom and her dad, my husband 774 00:43:37,180 --> 00:43:41,300 S5: passed away and it just seemed since then it's gotten worse. So, 775 00:43:41,460 --> 00:43:43,299 S5: you know, I know we all grieve differently. So I 776 00:43:43,300 --> 00:43:46,820 S5: think a lot of that is, is what's happening as well. 777 00:43:47,020 --> 00:43:48,820 S1: Trauma. There's a lot of trauma there. 778 00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:49,980 S5: Correct, correct. 779 00:43:50,020 --> 00:43:51,060 S1: And and you know. 780 00:43:51,060 --> 00:43:52,020 S5: Try to get her help. 781 00:43:52,260 --> 00:43:55,700 S1: But yeah a lot of grace a lot of listening. 782 00:43:55,700 --> 00:43:57,980 S1: And I do want to send you a copy of 783 00:43:57,980 --> 00:44:01,570 S1: the book, so hang on. Tricia will get your information. Uh, again, 784 00:44:01,610 --> 00:44:06,130 S1: it's titled Raising Daughters by September McCarthy. Another question I 785 00:44:06,130 --> 00:44:08,210 S1: wanted to ask before we end here today. And that 786 00:44:08,210 --> 00:44:13,370 S1: is you talk about releasing your daughters to not to perfectionism, 787 00:44:13,370 --> 00:44:15,890 S1: to not be perfect. What are you talking about there? 788 00:44:17,410 --> 00:44:19,530 S2: Well, I think that a lot of our girls, especially 789 00:44:19,530 --> 00:44:22,690 S2: with social media, maybe some church culture, there's a lot 790 00:44:22,690 --> 00:44:26,370 S2: of comparison. And I think that robs our daughters of 791 00:44:26,370 --> 00:44:30,250 S2: their confidence. And so I try to remind our, our, 792 00:44:30,290 --> 00:44:33,810 S2: my girls it's not about success. The way the world 793 00:44:33,810 --> 00:44:38,609 S2: creates success. It's not about comparing yourself to the girl 794 00:44:38,610 --> 00:44:41,210 S2: on social media or in your school or in your 795 00:44:41,210 --> 00:44:45,969 S2: youth group. Um, but to schedule heart check conversations with 796 00:44:45,969 --> 00:44:50,089 S2: our girls so that they know that, um, that I'm 797 00:44:50,090 --> 00:44:53,090 S2: going to celebrate her growth and not just perfection, and 798 00:44:53,130 --> 00:44:56,290 S2: that I will highlight her choices and her character, even 799 00:44:56,330 --> 00:44:59,950 S2: though The outcome may not be perfect. So I think 800 00:44:59,950 --> 00:45:02,950 S2: it's a really, really valuable thing to give our girls 801 00:45:02,989 --> 00:45:05,710 S2: a solid identity so that they don't think they have 802 00:45:05,710 --> 00:45:07,310 S2: to be the perfect Christian girl. 803 00:45:08,030 --> 00:45:10,710 S1: I know you've talked about hard work a lot, but 804 00:45:10,710 --> 00:45:13,390 S1: what I hear coming through not only from the book, 805 00:45:13,390 --> 00:45:17,989 S1: but also from your voice September is relax if you 806 00:45:17,989 --> 00:45:21,469 S1: really if you really do trust God that God is 807 00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:24,790 S1: in the middle of all this, then the conflict that 808 00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:28,150 S1: comes up might be the avenue that takes you to 809 00:45:28,190 --> 00:45:30,549 S1: the very heart of your daughter, where you can make 810 00:45:30,550 --> 00:45:33,709 S1: the most difference, or where she can make the most 811 00:45:33,710 --> 00:45:35,790 S1: difference to you. Does that make sense? 812 00:45:36,390 --> 00:45:39,430 S2: Amen. That's exactly what I'm saying. Just be an open book. 813 00:45:39,469 --> 00:45:41,710 S2: It really has much value. 814 00:45:41,910 --> 00:45:45,750 S1: Yeah. Thank you for doing this. For writing it, for 815 00:45:45,790 --> 00:45:49,069 S1: living it, first of all. Uh, September says one of 816 00:45:49,070 --> 00:45:51,750 S1: the most surprising things I learned while raising daughters is 817 00:45:51,750 --> 00:45:53,750 S1: that just when we think our daughters want us to 818 00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:56,859 S1: be involved and engaged, when they are asking for our 819 00:45:56,860 --> 00:45:59,940 S1: help in inviting us into their emotional and physical worlds, 820 00:45:59,940 --> 00:46:02,660 S1: we are suddenly not welcome. We become a little too 821 00:46:02,660 --> 00:46:05,379 S1: close for comfort and they decide they need their space. 822 00:46:05,860 --> 00:46:08,900 S1: So she has two points of advice one. Get yourself 823 00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:14,420 S1: some good steel toed shoes. Number two, don't quit before 824 00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:17,820 S1: you begin. There's an awful lot of hope here. September, 825 00:46:17,820 --> 00:46:20,180 S1: thanks for your heart and for sharing with us today. 826 00:46:20,900 --> 00:46:22,500 S2: Thank you. Thank you so much. 827 00:46:23,060 --> 00:46:28,740 S1: September McCarthy. Again, an excellent resource is at Chris Fabry Lives. 828 00:46:30,020 --> 00:46:33,900 S1: It's subtitled A Christian Mom's Guide for the Lifelong Journey. 829 00:46:34,380 --> 00:46:40,219 S1: Raising daughters is the title. Again, Chris Fabry for The 830 00:46:40,219 --> 00:46:42,540 S1: Parrots are back tomorrow. Don't miss it right here on 831 00:46:42,540 --> 00:46:45,660 S1: Chris Fabry live production of Moody Radio, a ministry of 832 00:46:45,700 --> 00:46:47,380 S1: Moody Bible Institute.