1
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,440
S1: Today at the radio Backyard fence. I have a topic.

2
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,799
S1: So practical, so helpful, so hopeful. If you are having

3
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,759
S1: a struggle resolving conflict with your adult children, this is

4
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,680
S1: probably the number one wound I've heard from parents in

5
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,480
S1: the past few years, and maybe it's been going on

6
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,160
S1: for centuries. I sense the problem is more acute now,

7
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,200
S1: seeing how many parents say my kids have cut me

8
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,320
S1: out of their lives and I don't understand why. So

9
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,400
S1: I have a conversation today with someone who has not

10
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,760
S1: only seen the fracture in relationships between adult kids and

11
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,720
S1: their parents, she has strategies and conversations that will help

12
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,640
S1: you resolve that conflict and help you find peace and

13
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:49,120
S1: hope with whatever outcome you experience. Doctor Kathy Cook is

14
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,360
S1: standing by for the program. From the heart to the

15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,800
S1: heart for the heart. Let's get started with a thank

16
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,600
S1: you to our team. Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical.

17
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,320
S1: Trish is our producer. Lisa is in the chair today.

18
00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:02,190
S1: Josh will be answering your calls. And since it's Friday.

19
00:01:02,190 --> 00:01:05,630
S1: That's right. It's time for the fabulous favorite Friday. Sigh

20
00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:08,069
S1: what does it do? Number one we oxygenate your blood.

21
00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:11,630
S1: Two we get your endorphins going. Three we raise your serotonin.

22
00:01:11,630 --> 00:01:15,670
S1: Level four we promote lymphatic drainage. And. Five we stimulate

23
00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:18,709
S1: your parasympathetic system. That's why we call it the five

24
00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:21,950
S1: lung languages. We also stimulate your vagus nerve. We help

25
00:01:21,950 --> 00:01:24,590
S1: you release acetylcholine. And don't you dare forget what it

26
00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:28,070
S1: does to cortisol dissipation. Take in four seconds of air

27
00:01:28,069 --> 00:01:31,950
S1: through your nose right now. Hold it for a seconds,

28
00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,550
S1: and then as you release that air through your mouth,

29
00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:36,310
S1: push on the left side of your rib cage to

30
00:01:36,310 --> 00:01:39,069
S1: get rid of all that bad carbon dioxide. Give a

31
00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:41,150
S1: sigh today if you expect it to be your child's

32
00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:44,270
S1: best friend when they became an adult. And that hasn't happened.

33
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,790
S1: In fact, they've said don't call, don't text, don't send

34
00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:50,910
S1: cards or letters. That's an extreme situation, but it's happened

35
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:53,990
S1: to someone listening today. I'm sure of it. Give a sigh.

36
00:01:53,990 --> 00:01:55,910
S1: If you have a conflict with your daughter in law

37
00:01:55,910 --> 00:01:58,030
S1: or son in law, we're going to talk about them today.

38
00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:02,260
S1: Give a sigh if how you vote has affected your relationship,

39
00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:06,060
S1: and if what you believe about God has done the same.

40
00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:09,419
S1: The fabulous favorite Friday site cannot solve all your problems,

41
00:02:09,419 --> 00:02:12,340
S1: but it might just relieve a little stress. Today. Brought

42
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:15,140
S1: to you by friends and partners across the fruited plain.

43
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:20,580
S1: All rights reserved. Two things before we begin today. As

44
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:23,700
S1: if we haven't already begun the last two days, some

45
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:27,500
S1: of you participated in an event called 48 Hours of Impact,

46
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:32,060
S1: and we were asking for support for the Moody Global Campus,

47
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:35,740
S1: which one person said is the most moody thing. Moody's doing,

48
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:38,660
S1: which I love. I hadn't heard about it until a

49
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:41,420
S1: few weeks ago, and I wanted to let those of

50
00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:46,060
S1: you know who participated. This morning we reached 100% and

51
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:49,060
S1: we went over. So a big thank you, thank you,

52
00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:51,700
S1: thank you. I was reading in Colossians three today, Paul

53
00:02:51,820 --> 00:02:54,299
S1: has a lot of these long sentences and this one

54
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:57,930
S1: stuck out to me. Be thankful. Just two words. Be thankful.

55
00:02:58,290 --> 00:03:01,210
S1: So we are grateful to you for your response in

56
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:04,810
S1: the last couple of days. Second note is another reason

57
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,690
S1: for thanks, but it's a lot harder to relate. When

58
00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:12,130
S1: we began this program back in 2008. Colin Lambert was

59
00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:16,330
S1: instrumental on the leadership team at Moody Radio to encourage

60
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:20,049
S1: and provide vision and guidance. He became the vice president

61
00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:24,130
S1: of broadcasting, spent 15 years with Moody, and then moved on.

62
00:03:24,650 --> 00:03:27,889
S1: He sat in for me here many times, really encouraged

63
00:03:27,889 --> 00:03:31,370
S1: those of us behind the microphones. And in the last

64
00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:34,570
S1: few years, he's had health struggles, and those became more

65
00:03:34,570 --> 00:03:39,410
S1: acute in the last few months. And yesterday, his wife, Patty,

66
00:03:39,450 --> 00:03:42,050
S1: let us know that Colin is no longer in pain.

67
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:47,250
S1: His earthly journey is complete, and I'm struggling to believe

68
00:03:47,250 --> 00:03:50,410
S1: that we won't hear his voice on any new programs.

69
00:03:50,410 --> 00:03:52,650
S1: We won't get to work together. I was telling a

70
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:57,040
S1: friend yesterday that Colin had the ability to to take information,

71
00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:01,040
S1: to synthesize it and kind of internalize it and then

72
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,880
S1: make it understandable with a trusted voice, with a caring

73
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:08,600
S1: heart who'd been through some pain of his own. So

74
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:13,000
S1: I give thanks today for Colin Lambert's life and ask

75
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,120
S1: you to pray for his wife, Patty, and their children

76
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:20,839
S1: and grandchild whom he loved and all those who knew him,

77
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:25,560
S1: worked with him and are grieving. Grieving with hope today

78
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,040
S1: because of the truth of the gospel. That's the truth

79
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,880
S1: of of what we learn from Scripture that we we

80
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:35,359
S1: don't have to grieve without hope, but we can still

81
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:40,040
S1: grieve from the from the bottom of our hearts. And

82
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,600
S1: there are. That's happening today to some parents. I'm. I'm

83
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,720
S1: just sure of it. They are grieving the loss that

84
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,160
S1: they are going through with an adult child or children.

85
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:55,310
S1: Where there is conflict, there is fracture in some cases,

86
00:04:55,510 --> 00:05:00,230
S1: great estrangement. And that's why I chose this month to

87
00:05:00,270 --> 00:05:03,349
S1: give anyone who supports the program a book by Doctor

88
00:05:03,350 --> 00:05:07,350
S1: Kathy Cook. She has heard the heart cries of parents

89
00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:10,669
S1: in those kinds of situations, and she has put together

90
00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:13,550
S1: a book that will be a companion for anyone facing

91
00:05:13,550 --> 00:05:16,910
S1: these struggles. I believe her message is so important that

92
00:05:16,910 --> 00:05:18,910
S1: we're doing that. If you give if you support the

93
00:05:18,910 --> 00:05:21,990
S1: program in any way. Go to Chris Fabry live.org. We're

94
00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:25,750
S1: going to send you resolve conflict and find peace and

95
00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:29,469
S1: hope with adult children. Give a gift of any size.

96
00:05:29,470 --> 00:05:32,910
S1: Will send it to you. Chris Fabry live.org. Doctor cook,

97
00:05:32,910 --> 00:05:34,430
S1: welcome back. How are you doing today?

98
00:05:35,430 --> 00:05:37,550
S2: I'm great because I'm here. Thank you so much for

99
00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:40,270
S2: the invitation and for supporting, you know, who I am

100
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,230
S2: and what I do and recommending my book. I really

101
00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:43,190
S2: appreciate that.

102
00:05:43,589 --> 00:05:45,510
S1: A couple of days ago, I called this a new

103
00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:51,150
S1: cookbook with recipes for restored relationships. And when I read it,

104
00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:53,940
S1: I thought, that's kind of funny, but it's really true,

105
00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:54,539
S1: isn't it?

106
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:57,539
S2: It is. Yeah. My last name, for people who don't

107
00:05:57,540 --> 00:06:01,659
S2: know me is spelled KOCH and pronounced Kirk, which is ridiculous,

108
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:04,659
S2: which is why I go by Doctor Cathy professionally. But

109
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:07,020
S2: I have been told I could I could write cookbooks,

110
00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:10,060
S2: but my books are full of recipes for, you know,

111
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:13,220
S2: success and strategies for overcoming trauma. ET cetera. ET cetera.

112
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:14,859
S2: So I love that you did that.

113
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:18,619
S1: Yeah. What? Why? Why did you write this? What? Because

114
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,820
S1: you talked to parents. But you also talk about children

115
00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:24,380
S1: a lot. This is a little bit different. So why

116
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:25,500
S1: did you want to write this?

117
00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:27,900
S2: You know, there's a couple of reasons, Chris. My audience

118
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:29,580
S2: has grown up with me. I've been an author for

119
00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:32,619
S2: almost 20 years, which is amazing. And so my early

120
00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:35,419
S2: readers now have kids who are this age of the,

121
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:37,540
S2: you know, the adults, the young people who might be

122
00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:40,020
S2: walking away or if they're not walking away, praise God.

123
00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:41,340
S2: We still want to know how to relate to them

124
00:06:41,339 --> 00:06:43,820
S2: in a respectful way. So I wanted to meet their needs.

125
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:46,779
S2: I wrote the book for what you've already mentioned, where

126
00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:50,219
S2: estrangement is real. There are families who have have been

127
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:52,930
S2: good families where moms and dads have done things well

128
00:06:52,930 --> 00:06:56,170
S2: and their children are still being persuaded by outside sources

129
00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:59,050
S2: to step away. And it's tragic. And the third motivation

130
00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:02,610
S2: for me, Chris, was I come from a multigenerational, beautiful family.

131
00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:04,610
S2: I grew up kitty corner from one set of grandparents,

132
00:07:04,610 --> 00:07:06,370
S2: and my dad cut a hole in the fence. And

133
00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,290
S2: so we were with Grandma and Grandpa all the time.

134
00:07:08,290 --> 00:07:11,050
S2: We had great aunts. My other grandparents lived only three

135
00:07:11,050 --> 00:07:13,770
S2: blocks away, so Dave and I spent quality time in

136
00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:16,610
S2: our childhood and young adult years being mentored by and

137
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,890
S2: being loved by our grandparents, up close cousins, aunts and

138
00:07:18,890 --> 00:07:21,370
S2: uncles as well. And that's what God God wants. He

139
00:07:21,370 --> 00:07:24,090
S2: ordained the family before before the church, and he would

140
00:07:24,090 --> 00:07:26,850
S2: love us to be close and dynamic. And it breaks

141
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:28,170
S2: my heart when it doesn't happen.

142
00:07:28,650 --> 00:07:32,010
S1: Can you paint me a picture of the parent that

143
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:34,850
S1: you're really narrowing down on? Because there's a lot of

144
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:38,250
S1: different situations, but who is the main target for what

145
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:38,970
S1: you're writing?

146
00:07:39,770 --> 00:07:42,170
S2: Oh man, that's a great question. And it's actually not

147
00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:45,010
S2: very easy to answer much. Most of the book, I think,

148
00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:46,970
S2: is going to really be for the people who have

149
00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:50,960
S2: not yet experienced estrangement. They've heard about it. Maybe they

150
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,560
S2: have neighbors and friends and coworkers whose adult children have

151
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,040
S2: walked away and they want to prevent that. My book,

152
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,440
S2: there's a chapter on marriage and grandchildren and grief, and

153
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,800
S2: the second chapter people want to skip, I've been told.

154
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,280
S2: And that's, you know, look at yourself first. So there's

155
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,559
S2: a lot of input in the book that will help

156
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,600
S2: us parents strong in these days, so that our children

157
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,960
S2: choose to stay connected to us in a variety of ways.

158
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,880
S2: The book is also going to help those who have

159
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,080
S2: had children, who have distanced themselves for whatever reason, because

160
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,200
S2: the reader will figure out, oh, this is maybe what's happened.

161
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,240
S2: Now I have a conversation. Now I know what to

162
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,720
S2: maybe apologize for. Now I know to you know which

163
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,680
S2: questions to ask. And then actually, Chris, I've had adult

164
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,480
S2: children read it because they want to understand their parents perspective.

165
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,520
S2: And I've also had parents read it who have kids

166
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,360
S2: who are maybe in that, you know, 15 to 19

167
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,840
S2: year old range because they want to know what to do, right.

168
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,280
S2: And what not to do wrong as they begin to

169
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,319
S2: approach that, that launching season. So I think there's lots

170
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,920
S2: of people that I wrote the book for.

171
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,350
S1: Yeah. And and they're going to be helped today. You

172
00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:54,030
S1: can be helped by the conversation. I think you'll be

173
00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:57,350
S1: even more helped if there's someone listening who's gone through

174
00:08:57,350 --> 00:09:00,990
S1: some kind of a fracture. Maybe it's not total estrangement yet,

175
00:09:01,150 --> 00:09:04,230
S1: but you can feel the storm clouds rising in your

176
00:09:04,230 --> 00:09:07,670
S1: relationship with your adult child or your adult children. I

177
00:09:07,670 --> 00:09:09,430
S1: want to give you a phone number, and I want

178
00:09:09,429 --> 00:09:12,030
S1: you to. On Facebook, I asked, what has helped you

179
00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:15,430
S1: resolve conflict with your adult children? And there's some really

180
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:18,110
S1: good answers there. And if you want to answer that question,

181
00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:27,310
S1: I'd love to hear from you at eight, seven, 754836758775483675.

182
00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:31,750
S1: What has helped you resolve conflict? But even more so,

183
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:34,189
S1: I'd love to hear from somebody who is right in

184
00:09:34,190 --> 00:09:37,710
S1: the middle. You don't have to tell us every jot

185
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,829
S1: and tittle of everything that's going on, but tell us

186
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,590
S1: the situation that you're in, and let's see if Doctor

187
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:47,980
S1: Cook can come alongside you and give you some encouragement today. Again,

188
00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:50,380
S1: you can find that phone number at our website, Chris

189
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:54,420
S1: Fabry live.org. There's also a way to support the program

190
00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:57,740
S1: with a gift of any size today and receive this book,

191
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:02,500
S1: resolve conflict and find peace and hope with adult children.

192
00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:07,939
S1: Just go to chris.org. More straight ahead on Moody Radio.

193
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:20,020
S1: Doctor Kathy Cook is our guest today at Chris Fabry live.org.

194
00:10:20,059 --> 00:10:23,100
S1: You can see her new book, Resolve, Conflict and Find

195
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:28,780
S1: Peace and Hope with Adult Children. Subtitled Strategies and Conversations

196
00:10:29,059 --> 00:10:32,660
S1: That Work. Just go to Chris Fabry live.org. Scroll down.

197
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:35,380
S1: You'll see how you can receive this as our thank

198
00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:38,940
S1: you this month. And I was looking at a, um,

199
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:42,580
S1: this is from Fox News. Five reasons more Americans are

200
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:47,730
S1: cutting off their own parents. According to a psychologist. And

201
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:52,010
S1: this comes from, you know, NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers estrangement

202
00:10:52,010 --> 00:10:57,010
S1: from his own family about whatever reason he cut him out, uh,

203
00:10:57,010 --> 00:11:01,130
S1: or they cut him out. And the five reasons, number one,

204
00:11:01,130 --> 00:11:07,610
S1: political and value differences. Number two, social media influence, number three,

205
00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:17,490
S1: therapy culture, number four, communication breakdowns, and number five, outside influences,

206
00:11:17,490 --> 00:11:23,610
S1: meaning the romantic partners or in-laws, whatever are contributing to

207
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:26,890
S1: the family estrangement. Does that resonate with you?

208
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,930
S2: It does. And then there's another one that I mentioned

209
00:11:29,929 --> 00:11:32,850
S2: in my book that my data suggested, but I certainly

210
00:11:32,850 --> 00:11:34,250
S2: agree with those. Definitely.

211
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:36,610
S1: What's the other one? Do you want your dad?

212
00:11:36,650 --> 00:11:38,290
S2: Do you want to know which one? No, I don't

213
00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:41,850
S2: want anyone to stop listening. Okay. But based on the

214
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,530
S2: work that we've done here at Celebrate Kids, I would

215
00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:46,960
S2: say that sometimes adult children step away from their parents

216
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:51,080
S2: because the parents over parented. Now hear me say that

217
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,920
S2: most especially moms who over parented, meaning that you were

218
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,840
S2: involved in their business, you tried to control their business,

219
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,320
S2: you know, don't spill your milk. Remember, there's a test tomorrow.

220
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,840
S2: Don't you want to go study? All of that was

221
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,800
S2: done when you were a great parent. You meant that

222
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,320
S2: all to be good. Now they don't believe you can

223
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,320
S2: step away and be a different kind of parent. And

224
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,560
S2: now they don't want you to be that involved. I've

225
00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:11,920
S2: had adult kids say, I want them to know my business,

226
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,640
S2: but not be in my business. And so if you

227
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,920
S2: over parented, if you were super involved, if you were

228
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,360
S2: hyper sensitive, if you followed them on all the apps

229
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,520
S2: and you knew everything that they were doing, you need

230
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,280
S2: to now say, hey, that worked back then. But I

231
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,960
S2: realized that now I might be coming across as disrespectful.

232
00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:29,000
S2: You need to mature up and you need to, you know,

233
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,439
S2: figure out how the world works and make some mistakes

234
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,320
S2: without worrying about offending me. So I need to back

235
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,400
S2: off and help me do that and understand, son, that

236
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,040
S2: it's going to take me a while to change, but

237
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,240
S2: I think that's relevant. Maybe for some of your listeners,

238
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:41,840
S2: I hope so.

239
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,030
S1: I, I find that as a real encouragement because it

240
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:48,670
S1: gives me as a parent something that I can do,

241
00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:52,350
S1: something that I can positively do and, and grow. Right?

242
00:12:52,870 --> 00:12:55,309
S2: Yeah. I love that. It's totally true. Yeah. Social media

243
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:57,709
S2: is huge there, following people that we don't know they're following.

244
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,550
S2: There is a therapy culture where too many therapists have said, oh,

245
00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:03,390
S2: you're an adult now, you don't need your parents anymore. And, um,

246
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:05,910
S2: you know, and really, Chris, if we look back, if

247
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,230
S2: parents look back, they're going to remember they had they

248
00:13:08,230 --> 00:13:10,709
S2: had other bumps in the road. You did not have

249
00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:12,670
S2: for the first 18 years of a kid's life, a

250
00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:15,350
S2: perfect relationship when they were 12, when they were 15,

251
00:13:15,350 --> 00:13:17,309
S2: when they were nine, you know, there was rebellion and

252
00:13:17,309 --> 00:13:19,350
S2: there were there were challenges, perhaps. And we need to

253
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,670
S2: get through this phase as well and not panic and

254
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:24,030
S2: not assume that, you know, we're terrible and they're terrible

255
00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:26,030
S2: and we're never, ever going to get along again. Um,

256
00:13:26,030 --> 00:13:28,150
S2: you know, the apology goes a far way. Listening goes

257
00:13:28,150 --> 00:13:30,990
S2: a far way. Treating them with respect goes a far way.

258
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:33,190
S2: And I'm looking forward to talking about all the things

259
00:13:33,190 --> 00:13:33,950
S2: here on the show.

260
00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:37,829
S1: I, as I just look at this and, you know,

261
00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:41,310
S1: having been a parent of nine kids, nine adult children now,

262
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,540
S1: the thing that I see in myself is when they

263
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:48,540
S1: were little, I could control them. I could almost force

264
00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:51,580
S1: them to do what I wanted them to do. And

265
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:54,300
S1: I had great ideas. Yeah, I thought I did.

266
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:55,740
S2: You thought you were in control.

267
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:59,059
S1: But but now that I look back on it, I

268
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,940
S1: see how much fear there was, how much fear I

269
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:05,620
S1: had of. If they misbehaved, then what are people going

270
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:08,140
S1: to think of me? You know, it was an image thing.

271
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:11,860
S1: And now that they're now that they're adults, even when

272
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:14,380
S1: they're teenagers, it's like the control is out the window.

273
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:18,220
S1: But now they're adults. I can't control their actions anymore.

274
00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:21,180
S1: I can't control what they believe, what they think about politics,

275
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:24,740
S1: about God or the Bible. I don't have that in

276
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:28,500
S1: my control. So I have to change. Is that part

277
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:29,900
S1: of what you're saying here?

278
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:33,340
S2: Yes, sir. We have to choose to see that the

279
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:36,540
S2: relationship must be different. I write in chapter one that

280
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:38,740
S2: you will always be a parent. That will always be

281
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,130
S2: your noun, and child will always be theirs. But you

282
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,970
S2: can't parent with a verb unless they invite you to

283
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:48,210
S2: do so. You can consult, you can cheer, possibly correct.

284
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:51,450
S2: You can be a guide and a mentor, a companion

285
00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:54,130
S2: through life. But they have to invite you to parent

286
00:14:54,130 --> 00:14:56,170
S2: where they say, hey dad, you know, how would you

287
00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:59,650
S2: have handled this situation? Or mom, I remember when you know,

288
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,650
S2: when you know you got first married, you told me

289
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,610
S2: about some stuff with dad. And I'm just wondering, how

290
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:05,130
S2: do you think I should handle my husband? I mean,

291
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:07,850
S2: if they ask you direct questions, then you enter in.

292
00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:10,130
S2: If not, you pray. And you pray long and hard

293
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:13,450
S2: on the sidelines, and you look for teachable moments. But

294
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,210
S2: you guide, you, consult, you cheer, you possibly correct. I

295
00:15:16,210 --> 00:15:17,810
S2: think that becomes really, really important.

296
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:25,250
S1: So Unrequested advice is then for the adult child, is

297
00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:27,890
S1: that just you telling the parent, telling them how to

298
00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:28,890
S1: live their life?

299
00:15:29,410 --> 00:15:31,890
S2: Exactly. Like we walk into their apartment and we say,

300
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:34,330
S2: you know, I can't believe you're eating that, you know,

301
00:15:34,370 --> 00:15:36,450
S2: or we walk into the house and the grandchildren are

302
00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:37,970
S2: still awake and we're like, what are the kids doing

303
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,760
S2: up this late? And let me remind everyone that they're

304
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,840
S2: not your kids. They're your kids kids. And so that

305
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,080
S2: becomes a really important issue. But what I heard consistently

306
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,280
S2: in my interviews was the disrespect that adult children feel

307
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,680
S2: when the parent is still trying to parent. And so, Chris,

308
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,360
S2: it's hard, you know, that transition, it's hard. You still

309
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,320
S2: care deeply. You still want to prevent problems and be

310
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,280
S2: available with solutions. And that's your right. You know, as

311
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,960
S2: a parent, I would say that. And one of the

312
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,080
S2: things I write about in the book is find your

313
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,400
S2: other identities, make sure that you pay attention to your

314
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,680
S2: spouse if you're married and then are you a volunteer?

315
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,920
S2: Are you a member of a church choir? Are you

316
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,520
S2: helping your neighbor who had knee surgery and can't garden well?

317
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,080
S2: And you know, she loves her garden, so you're going

318
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,200
S2: to step in and be a blessing to her. Don't,

319
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,680
S2: don't just sit around and twiddle your thumbs and be

320
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,160
S2: angry that you don't have a positive relationship with your

321
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,440
S2: adult kids. Do something with your life because if you don't,

322
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,200
S2: they're going to feel tremendous pressure. And what I heard

323
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,320
S2: a lot of, Chris, is that they feel like we

324
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,760
S2: idolize them because it's all about them. You know, you're

325
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,880
S2: my kid, why don't you listen to me? And if

326
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,950
S2: our kids feel like we're idolizing them, then they cannot

327
00:16:39,950 --> 00:16:43,310
S2: make mistakes because then they hurt us. And then like

328
00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:45,830
S2: you're saying, then we look bad. So we need to

329
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,590
S2: back off. You know, we just need to say, man,

330
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,910
S2: I'm more than a mom. And now I'm going to

331
00:16:49,910 --> 00:16:51,750
S2: learn how to be a different mom. It isn't easy.

332
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:54,150
S2: But could I also remind our listeners, Chris, they've been

333
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:56,870
S2: launching their kids their whole life. They went from the

334
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:59,150
S2: crib to the bed. They went from the trike to

335
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:00,910
S2: the two Wheeler with training wheels. They took the training

336
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:03,310
S2: wheels off, you know, then they went from, you know,

337
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,550
S2: learning how to drive, driving with you as a passenger,

338
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:07,790
S2: driving without you in the car. You know, there's always

339
00:17:07,790 --> 00:17:11,390
S2: been this, this transition and it's hard, but we have

340
00:17:11,390 --> 00:17:13,750
S2: to let it happen because it's God's design.

341
00:17:15,109 --> 00:17:17,510
S1: One of the things that I hear from parents in

342
00:17:17,510 --> 00:17:22,070
S1: this situation, and whether it's a fracture, you know, distance

343
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:26,670
S1: or all out estrangement is the question is, what did

344
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:30,909
S1: I do? Meaning it's my fault. There's something that I did,

345
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,669
S1: and there may be contributing factors in here on both

346
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,820
S1: sides that happened. Certainly abusive parents, you know, have to

347
00:17:36,859 --> 00:17:40,659
S1: own that. But that whole question is of what did

348
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:44,260
S1: I do to cause this leads you back to that

349
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:46,460
S1: whole control. If I did something to cause it, then

350
00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:48,580
S1: I can do something to, to repair it. And I

351
00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:52,020
S1: can be the savior in the, in the relationship. And

352
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:55,820
S1: that's wrongheaded too, in a certain way, isn't it?

353
00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:59,619
S2: Oh, that's a great insight. Yes, it is. In fact,

354
00:17:59,619 --> 00:18:02,380
S2: in my book, I spend very little time on trying

355
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,540
S2: to figure out what happened. And I made a I

356
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:07,100
S2: made a choice. I, I have not heard that my

357
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:09,979
S2: readers are frustrated by that. I chose to spend the

358
00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:14,940
S2: words I was allowed on prevention and solution because. Here's

359
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,020
S2: the thing, Chris. I think we can solve problems without

360
00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:21,220
S2: knowing the root cause. I think we can ask God

361
00:18:21,220 --> 00:18:24,460
S2: to reveal. We can make some assumptions, but we may

362
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:27,699
S2: never understand. And they may never admit to us that

363
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:31,619
S2: they've been following somebody on X who's manipulated their belief system.

364
00:18:31,619 --> 00:18:34,300
S2: They may never want us to know that their spouse

365
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:37,490
S2: actually isn't a strong believer and has been dabbling with,

366
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:40,850
S2: you know, other world religions. So you might never know.

367
00:18:40,890 --> 00:18:43,369
S2: That doesn't mean you can't be who you need to

368
00:18:43,369 --> 00:18:45,330
S2: be in that situation.

369
00:18:47,369 --> 00:18:49,650
S1: I love, I love what you're saying and I want

370
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:52,210
S1: to take this. You know, DL Moody talked about shoe

371
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:55,410
S1: leather evangelism. Take it to the street, you know, and

372
00:18:55,410 --> 00:19:01,210
S1: I want you to talk with our listeners at (877) 548-3675.

373
00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:04,330
S1: If this is where you are, I want you to

374
00:19:04,369 --> 00:19:07,770
S1: talk with Doctor Kathy Cook. If you go to Chris fabriclive.org.

375
00:19:07,890 --> 00:19:10,570
S1: This is the book that we're thanking you with all

376
00:19:10,570 --> 00:19:13,889
S1: this month. If you know somebody who needs the book,

377
00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:15,970
S1: then give a gift to Chris Fabry live and pass

378
00:19:15,970 --> 00:19:19,050
S1: along to them. Resolve conflict and find peace and hope

379
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:22,690
S1: with adult children. Becky is on the line. Becky, tell

380
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:23,970
S1: me why you called today.

381
00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:27,610
S3: Well, it just so happened that I had you on

382
00:19:27,609 --> 00:19:30,370
S3: the radio on my way to work to this afternoon.

383
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:34,320
S3: And you. I heard you guys talking about estrangement, and

384
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,440
S3: our daughter just recently told us that she no longer

385
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,199
S3: wants to speak to any member of our family. Um,

386
00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:42,760
S3: and so it kind of hit home.

387
00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:46,400
S1: Yeah. Yes. What did you feel when you first heard

388
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,280
S1: those words?

389
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:52,360
S3: Um, for me personally, I saw it coming. Um, so

390
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:56,720
S3: I wasn't surprised by it. Um, but obviously it still hurts. Um,

391
00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:02,119
S3: my husband is more devastated by it than anyone, I think. And, uh,

392
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,600
S3: his mother, the grandma doesn't even know yet. Um, and

393
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,320
S3: we're trying to figure out a way to break it

394
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,280
S3: to her because obviously our daughter is not going to

395
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,960
S3: directly tell her herself.

396
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,600
S1: Yeah. Mhm. Okay. Doctor cook, what do you say to

397
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,840
S1: Becky who just hopped in the car and listened?

398
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,600
S2: Yeah. Well, Becky, um, praise the Lord for his provision. Right.

399
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,879
S2: I'm honored that God would have directed you to the

400
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,080
S2: show today, and that I can speak into that. You're

401
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:30,080
S2: not alone, first of all. Second of all, I recommend

402
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,630
S2: that all of us become sad before we're mad. Like

403
00:20:33,670 --> 00:20:35,870
S2: we can be angry about this because it makes no

404
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:38,389
S2: sense on on our side of things. But I, I

405
00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:41,190
S2: want us to be sad because she's, she's making an

406
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,629
S2: unhealthy and unwise decision to cut herself off from the

407
00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,310
S2: wisdom that God's given her. And that would be you,

408
00:20:45,350 --> 00:20:47,790
S2: your husband and grandparents, if they're on the same page

409
00:20:47,790 --> 00:20:50,150
S2: that you are. So be sad before you're mad and

410
00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:53,790
S2: please don't give up. Keep praying. Remember, God loves her

411
00:20:53,790 --> 00:20:57,470
S2: more than you ever will. Um. Keep praying. Pray for

412
00:20:57,750 --> 00:20:59,629
S2: her to have a change of heart. Pray that she'll

413
00:20:59,630 --> 00:21:02,950
S2: come to Jesus or come back to Jesus. I'm convinced

414
00:21:02,950 --> 00:21:05,990
S2: that many people who have acted as if they've been

415
00:21:05,990 --> 00:21:08,790
S2: saved really haven't been. And what I have found in

416
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:11,070
S2: my in my work here at Celebrate Kids is that

417
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:13,430
S2: often we care more about getting them into church, and

418
00:21:13,430 --> 00:21:17,469
S2: I understand church matters tremendously. Being surrounded with Christ like

419
00:21:17,470 --> 00:21:21,230
S2: people as matters. But pray that she'll come to Jesus.

420
00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:23,910
S2: Pray that her heart will change. Pray that she'll be

421
00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:27,750
S2: thirsty and hungry for righteousness. Pray that she'll be surrounded

422
00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:30,390
S2: at work with believers that she doesn't even know her believers,

423
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:32,180
S2: and she'll like someone and then find out, oh wait,

424
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,300
S2: you're a believer. I don't think I like believers, but

425
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:36,940
S2: I like you. Like I think we pray that because

426
00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:38,340
S2: we don't have to be the ones. And again, like

427
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,460
S2: Chris was saying a few moments ago, if we think

428
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:41,899
S2: we have to be the ones, then that would be

429
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:44,980
S2: idolizing ourselves and, and putting ourselves in the place of God,

430
00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:47,860
S2: which is inappropriate. I'm not saying you're doing that. I'm.

431
00:21:47,859 --> 00:21:52,220
S2: So pray don't give up. Um, comfort each other and

432
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:55,060
S2: pour your heart out to other people who need your love.

433
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:57,740
S2: There are people in your church who need your love.

434
00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:01,740
S2: There are families without, um, parents and grandparents and you

435
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:03,500
S2: can sit with them. You can go to a, a

436
00:22:03,619 --> 00:22:06,140
S2: kid's soccer game because he doesn't have a grandmother or

437
00:22:06,180 --> 00:22:08,460
S2: a mom who would do it. I think that that

438
00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:10,700
S2: honors the Lord. It doesn't take the place. It's not

439
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:12,379
S2: the same kind of love, I know that, but I

440
00:22:12,380 --> 00:22:15,300
S2: think it's a beautiful way that we can serve the Lord.

441
00:22:15,940 --> 00:22:19,180
S1: Yeah. And and to confess your struggles, your faults, your

442
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:22,780
S1: sins to one another. But this, this deep hurt, Becky,

443
00:22:22,820 --> 00:22:25,980
S1: what you have shared here today, there's somebody who's listening,

444
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:29,649
S1: I'm sure of it, who is going through the same thing.

445
00:22:29,970 --> 00:22:33,129
S1: And they they don't want to call because they they'll

446
00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:36,370
S1: break into tears or they'll get too much. So you

447
00:22:36,410 --> 00:22:41,330
S1: have asked the question for them, and your vulnerability here

448
00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:44,970
S1: today has been helpful to them. So, Becky, does that help?

449
00:22:44,970 --> 00:22:46,170
S1: Are you encouraged today?

450
00:22:47,330 --> 00:22:50,450
S3: It's interesting because everything that he recommended is exactly what

451
00:22:50,450 --> 00:22:51,050
S3: we're doing.

452
00:22:51,850 --> 00:22:52,290
S1: Yeah.

453
00:22:52,609 --> 00:22:53,169
S2: Excellent.

454
00:22:53,250 --> 00:22:56,410
S3: I'm not surprised. We pray for someone to come into

455
00:22:56,410 --> 00:22:58,570
S3: her life because she did claim to be a believer

456
00:22:58,570 --> 00:23:02,170
S3: at one time, but, um, she got involved in just

457
00:23:02,170 --> 00:23:05,210
S3: basically the wrong people and that sent her down a

458
00:23:05,210 --> 00:23:07,770
S3: path and she's into all the witchcraft and all that

459
00:23:07,770 --> 00:23:10,610
S3: stuff now too. So, so yeah, we pray every day

460
00:23:10,609 --> 00:23:12,770
S3: that someone comes into her life and just turns her

461
00:23:12,770 --> 00:23:16,970
S3: around and, you know, guides her gently and slowly and,

462
00:23:17,010 --> 00:23:18,010
S3: but confidently.

463
00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:21,010
S1: Becky, I want you to hang on and Lisa will

464
00:23:21,010 --> 00:23:23,050
S1: get your information. I want to send you a copy

465
00:23:23,050 --> 00:23:26,690
S1: of this book by Doctor Kathy Cook, resolve conflict and

466
00:23:26,690 --> 00:23:31,080
S1: find peace and hope with adult children. It's our thank you.

467
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,520
S1: This month, if you go to Chris Fabry live.org. I'd

468
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,440
S1: love to send you a copy of This is Where

469
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:40,560
S1: You Are. Chris. Fabriclive dot ORG. But Becky, hang on. Uh,

470
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:45,399
S1: she mentioned witchcraft, Doctor Cooke and you know, other. There's

471
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,320
S1: there's going away from Christianity or saying, I don't know

472
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,400
S1: if I believe the Bible anymore. And then there's going

473
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:54,720
S1: toward some of these other ways of believing and living

474
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,680
S1: that can be really, really hard on people. Talk about that.

475
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:01,719
S2: Yeah, absolutely. And this is what we must grieve. You know,

476
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,600
S2: as you know, Chris, there's a whole chapter in my

477
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,840
S2: book about grief. We have to grieve the loss of relationships,

478
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,880
S2: as Becky's talking about the loss of dreams and hopes

479
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,200
S2: that we've had for our kids, the loss of moments

480
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,440
S2: we thought we would have with maybe our grandkids. And

481
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,480
S2: then we grieve the loss of this, this faith perspective.

482
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,720
S2: And we, we pray mightily. Um, we're ready in season

483
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,960
S2: and out to speak the truth like no, the word

484
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,120
S2: of God so that you can combat the lie with

485
00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:28,159
S2: the truth. Um, show your kids if you're still in

486
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,800
S2: relationship with them. Let them know that you're disappointed and

487
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,679
S2: maybe ask a question why are you finding this attractive?

488
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,160
S2: Why does that religion, um, you know, impress you in

489
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,520
S2: some way? Help me understand where you're thinking. We don't

490
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,479
S2: have to become combative. We can ask direct questions, you know,

491
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,000
S2: we're not going to be persuaded by them that we're wrong.

492
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,720
S2: So you don't have to be fearful of their questions

493
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,040
S2: or even of their decisions. God isn't. And I think

494
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,720
S2: I don't say that lightly, but I think to stay

495
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,439
S2: available would be really, really wise. Usually it's going to

496
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,640
S2: be a person that they admire that they think has

497
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,399
S2: it all together. And again, we pray that they'll see

498
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,520
S2: that it's a fallacy and that it will fail them.

499
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,960
S2: And then hopefully they would come back to the solid

500
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,520
S2: Faith Foundation. Something else I could say, but I'll throw

501
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:12,400
S2: it back to you, Chris.

502
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,800
S1: No, that's really good advice. And we'll take a midpoint

503
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,200
S1: break in our next segment. I want you to talk

504
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:21,399
S1: about how do you not allow that situation, this fracture

505
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,200
S1: or estrangement, whatever it is? How do you allow that

506
00:25:25,310 --> 00:25:29,110
S1: not to control you, to become this dark cloud that

507
00:25:29,109 --> 00:25:31,830
S1: is over everything that you do, so that you are

508
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:36,310
S1: paralyzed as a parent in loving your other children or being,

509
00:25:36,470 --> 00:25:39,310
S1: you know, in, in society, in the church. I want

510
00:25:39,310 --> 00:25:42,030
S1: to hear what Doctor Koch says about that. Resolve conflict

511
00:25:42,030 --> 00:25:44,510
S1: and find peace and hope with adult children is our

512
00:25:44,510 --> 00:25:47,750
S1: thank you. Just go to Chris Fabry live.org. Would love

513
00:25:47,750 --> 00:26:04,830
S1: to hear your question at (877) 548-3675. This is not the

514
00:26:04,830 --> 00:26:08,070
S1: easiest topic on a Friday as you're launching into a

515
00:26:08,070 --> 00:26:11,629
S1: a weekend. And I like to keep good things positive

516
00:26:11,630 --> 00:26:14,550
S1: and all of that. But boy howdy, is it needed.

517
00:26:14,550 --> 00:26:17,310
S1: And I can tell from the the responses on our

518
00:26:17,310 --> 00:26:20,230
S1: Facebook page and the callers who are calling here today

519
00:26:20,670 --> 00:26:23,550
S1: that resolving conflict and finding peace and hope with your

520
00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:28,020
S1: adult child is on your radar. And if it is,

521
00:26:28,060 --> 00:26:33,500
S1: go to the website kris.org. Doctor Kathy Cook's book is

522
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:38,740
S1: there with of that same title, subtitled strategies and conversations

523
00:26:38,740 --> 00:26:44,180
S1: that work back to your calls. Again, the number is (877) 548-3675.

524
00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:46,940
S1: But first, how do you not allow this? This is

525
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:51,100
S1: what I hear a lot, Kathy. And it is, um,

526
00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:55,140
S1: how do I not have this dark cloud that is

527
00:26:55,140 --> 00:26:58,820
S1: over me? The relationship fracture with or estrangement with my

528
00:26:58,820 --> 00:27:01,460
S1: adult child? How does how do I keep that from

529
00:27:01,460 --> 00:27:03,780
S1: controlling everything? Because I think about it before I go

530
00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:05,660
S1: to bed at night. I think about it first thing

531
00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:08,100
S1: up in the morning. What do you say to that?

532
00:27:08,820 --> 00:27:12,260
S2: Yeah, it's totally legit. Totally realistic for so many people.

533
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:15,060
S2: We need to concentrate on the promise and not the problem.

534
00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:18,260
S2: And the promise is that God is capable of changing

535
00:27:18,260 --> 00:27:21,580
S2: all things and capable of bringing us back together. So

536
00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:24,250
S2: let's concentrate on the promise, not the problem. Also, as

537
00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:26,410
S2: I read about in the book, be careful of looking

538
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:29,730
S2: back with today's wisdom and judging ourselves very harshly. And

539
00:27:29,730 --> 00:27:31,290
S2: we have a lot of. I think there's the if

540
00:27:31,290 --> 00:27:33,970
S2: only and the what if parenting style, right? Like, oh,

541
00:27:34,010 --> 00:27:35,730
S2: if only we would have changed churches when he was

542
00:27:35,730 --> 00:27:38,610
S2: a middle schooler. Yeah. Oh, what if I would have said,

543
00:27:38,609 --> 00:27:42,010
S2: you can't date that guy? And so we become very

544
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:44,770
S2: self-critical and we look back and we look back with

545
00:27:44,770 --> 00:27:47,170
S2: today's wisdom. I've had people, and you probably have this

546
00:27:47,170 --> 00:27:49,170
S2: happen to Chris, like, man, I wish I would have,

547
00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:50,970
S2: you know, read this book back in the day. Well,

548
00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:52,730
S2: I didn't write it back in the day. Like I've

549
00:27:52,730 --> 00:27:55,090
S2: written it now. And so now you can read it

550
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,929
S2: and now you can reflect and be changed by it,

551
00:27:56,930 --> 00:27:59,250
S2: I pray. But you did the best you knew how

552
00:27:59,250 --> 00:28:01,170
S2: to do back when you did it. I don't believe

553
00:28:01,210 --> 00:28:04,889
S2: there's anyone listening who was intentionally horrible as a parent

554
00:28:04,890 --> 00:28:06,970
S2: or a grandparent. They did the best that they knew

555
00:28:06,970 --> 00:28:08,770
S2: how to do in the moment. And so I think

556
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,610
S2: we need to honor that, and we need to look

557
00:28:10,609 --> 00:28:14,409
S2: back very, very carefully and not be too harsh on ourselves.

558
00:28:14,410 --> 00:28:16,330
S2: And then one other thing I would say, Chris, and

559
00:28:16,330 --> 00:28:18,010
S2: this is not easy, but I need to say it.

560
00:28:18,050 --> 00:28:21,010
S2: We need to look for small growth. We are looking

561
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:24,679
S2: for the mountain top. You know, we're looking for, you know, the. Aha!

562
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,920
S2: We need to pray for and hope for small growth

563
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,439
S2: and celebrate that when a kid asks a question about

564
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:35,120
S2: our church, celebrate that when a kid, you know, comes

565
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:38,320
S2: to one dinner and allows a discussion to take place

566
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,800
S2: about Christ, celebrate that.

567
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,440
S1: Uh, and I, here's what I found with that whole

568
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:49,560
S1: thing of the cloud. It is something happens in the

569
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:53,480
S1: adult child when they see that mom or dad or

570
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:58,080
S1: both are okay with where the adult child is and

571
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,080
S1: the decision that the adult child. I want to have

572
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,680
S1: contact with you or please don't call me anymore. You know,

573
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,280
S1: at this I'll call you type of thing. When the

574
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,200
S1: the child hears from the parents, oh that's okay. Yeah. No,

575
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:15,800
S1: I get that. And we'll honor that. When the child

576
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:20,510
S1: senses there is confidence there in the actions that the

577
00:29:20,630 --> 00:29:24,710
S1: parent is taking, something happens in them. Do you agree?

578
00:29:25,830 --> 00:29:29,230
S2: That's a great insight. Yes, that's part of security. It's

579
00:29:29,230 --> 00:29:32,870
S2: part of trust. What they're asking is respect my decision.

580
00:29:32,870 --> 00:29:35,030
S2: And if we don't have if we don't take that

581
00:29:35,030 --> 00:29:38,430
S2: boundary seriously, we're in big trouble. And this is why,

582
00:29:38,630 --> 00:29:40,270
S2: you know, the readers of my book and the listeners

583
00:29:40,270 --> 00:29:42,990
S2: today have to believe that this is not a forever decision.

584
00:29:43,230 --> 00:29:46,430
S2: Your child is going through something, being influenced by someone.

585
00:29:46,430 --> 00:29:48,590
S2: They're in a difficult time. They don't. I can almost

586
00:29:48,590 --> 00:29:51,230
S2: guarantee you they don't want to embarrass you. They don't

587
00:29:51,230 --> 00:29:53,510
S2: want to disappoint you. And it's easier for them to

588
00:29:53,550 --> 00:29:55,670
S2: separate than to let you know what's really going on.

589
00:29:55,990 --> 00:29:59,310
S2: And so we pray optimistically in hope that God will

590
00:29:59,310 --> 00:30:02,510
S2: turn them around and that we'll have a relationship eventually,

591
00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:05,430
S2: and we won't have it eventually if we don't believe

592
00:30:05,430 --> 00:30:08,430
S2: them now and we keep texting or calling or sending

593
00:30:08,430 --> 00:30:10,910
S2: them mail, we need to take a break and ask

594
00:30:10,910 --> 00:30:13,510
S2: the Lord to do his work in that space.

595
00:30:13,710 --> 00:30:16,230
S1: I've heard so often play for the fourth quarter. It's

596
00:30:16,230 --> 00:30:18,940
S1: this halftime, or it's not even the fourth first quarter,

597
00:30:18,980 --> 00:30:20,860
S1: you know, it's like you're going for what happens at

598
00:30:20,860 --> 00:30:23,980
S1: the fourth quarter. Not right now. Right.

599
00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:27,100
S2: That's really good. I like that analogy a lot. And

600
00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:30,420
S2: it's hard. So don't leave it alone. Let some safe

601
00:30:30,420 --> 00:30:33,180
S2: people know what's going on. Ask for prayer now. Adult

602
00:30:33,180 --> 00:30:36,060
S2: children also told me that they're suspicious that most prayer

603
00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:39,340
S2: chains are gossip mills. So be very careful who you tell.

604
00:30:39,340 --> 00:30:41,860
S2: You don't have to tell every family member and you don't,

605
00:30:41,900 --> 00:30:43,620
S2: you know, just be careful, but don't do it alone.

606
00:30:43,620 --> 00:30:44,780
S2: That's not appropriate.

607
00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:47,820
S1: Sherry's on the line. Sherry, why did you call today?

608
00:30:49,740 --> 00:30:54,220
S4: Well, I I've been estranged from my youngest daughter for

609
00:30:54,260 --> 00:30:58,820
S4: about a year or so. We don't really know. She

610
00:30:58,860 --> 00:31:00,660
S4: kind of cut my husband and I both out of

611
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:04,020
S4: our lives about eight years ago. She. She never came

612
00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:07,660
S4: around much after she got married. She was always kind

613
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:11,540
S4: of want to keep her own family, hers and didn't

614
00:31:11,540 --> 00:31:14,540
S4: want to share. It's just like she was just, I

615
00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:19,490
S4: don't know. And she can distort things And, um, she

616
00:31:19,530 --> 00:31:23,130
S4: came to my my husband died five years ago. She

617
00:31:23,130 --> 00:31:25,810
S4: came to visitation, the funeral. But she didn't sit with

618
00:31:25,810 --> 00:31:30,930
S4: the family. She wouldn't come around afterwards. Um, I make

619
00:31:31,050 --> 00:31:35,170
S4: I texted about something recently, and then something else was said,

620
00:31:35,170 --> 00:31:38,970
S4: and she, you know, she doesn't remember things, right? I

621
00:31:39,010 --> 00:31:39,610
S4: don't know.

622
00:31:40,090 --> 00:31:40,530
S1: Yeah.

623
00:31:40,570 --> 00:31:43,090
S4: I don't want to do. I don't try to contact her.

624
00:31:43,090 --> 00:31:47,250
S4: I just because she can she can set my buttons

625
00:31:47,250 --> 00:31:50,290
S4: off and gets angry and I just. And of course

626
00:31:50,290 --> 00:31:53,130
S4: I get angry back and I, I don't get I

627
00:31:53,170 --> 00:31:55,970
S4: get hurt and I holler and I and that's not good.

628
00:31:56,010 --> 00:31:59,010
S4: But she just. I don't know what to do.

629
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,130
S1: Yeah. Kathy, what do you say?

630
00:32:01,810 --> 00:32:04,250
S2: Well, first, Sherry, I'm so sorry that that's happening. And

631
00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:06,890
S2: I'm grateful that you would trust us and call today.

632
00:32:07,130 --> 00:32:09,370
S2: And I actually like what you're doing. You can't, you

633
00:32:09,410 --> 00:32:12,010
S2: can't you can't solve the problem. She's made that clear.

634
00:32:12,410 --> 00:32:16,400
S2: I think it's impressive. She came to your husband's service.

635
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,640
S2: I think that's great. I like that you've had some contact,

636
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,040
S2: but I think we pray and you get involved with

637
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,960
S2: other people. Again, like I've said before, please don't live

638
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,240
S2: this alone. You have a lot of heart to give.

639
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,680
S2: There's still that nurturer in you. And so find people

640
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:33,000
S2: in the neighborhood or people in the church or people

641
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,960
S2: from an organization that you volunteer with who would love

642
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:39,240
S2: your love and be the surrogate grandmother for the kids

643
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,480
S2: that have no one to attend a piano recital. And

644
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,400
S2: what if you could be the one to teach a

645
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:45,960
S2: young mom how to make a turkey this Thanksgiving because

646
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,920
S2: she's never done it before and her mom's unavailable to her.

647
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,680
S2: I think for us to surround each other and become

648
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,480
S2: the family of Christ that that we're called to be

649
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:56,000
S2: would be precious. I think it would be good for

650
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,520
S2: your spirit and good for your heart. And while you

651
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,000
S2: do that, you know, you pray optimistically because God is

652
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,840
S2: the God of hope. And you ask that healing would

653
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:08,160
S2: happen in his time and be ready. I think sometimes

654
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,600
S2: we care more about the lost child than we do

655
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:12,680
S2: about ourselves, and we all do need to remember that.

656
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:14,360
S2: We need to be walking on the right path, and

657
00:33:14,470 --> 00:33:16,750
S2: we need to be strengthened with the word and with

658
00:33:16,750 --> 00:33:19,310
S2: God's ways and with his worship, so that if we

659
00:33:19,310 --> 00:33:22,550
S2: have opportunities to connect again with loved ones, that we're

660
00:33:22,590 --> 00:33:25,110
S2: the strongest that we could possibly be when that happens.

661
00:33:25,150 --> 00:33:26,270
S2: I hope that's an encouragement.

662
00:33:26,310 --> 00:33:28,430
S1: You're not reaching out to those other people and doing

663
00:33:28,430 --> 00:33:32,190
S1: the things. I love the turkey analogy and a young mom.

664
00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:34,870
S1: You're not doing that to spite your daughter. I'm going

665
00:33:34,870 --> 00:33:36,590
S1: to do this because you won't do that. You know,

666
00:33:36,630 --> 00:33:40,190
S1: it's like, no, I'm just using the thing that you

667
00:33:40,190 --> 00:33:43,070
S1: won't allow me in your life to, to spill over

668
00:33:43,070 --> 00:33:44,590
S1: into somebody else, right?

669
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,790
S2: Yeah. I love the way you worded that. Right? Yeah.

670
00:33:49,310 --> 00:33:51,630
S1: And, Sherry, I want you to hang on. Lisa's going

671
00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:53,590
S1: to get your information. I really want to send you

672
00:33:53,590 --> 00:33:56,630
S1: a copy of this book by Doctor Kathy Cook. Resolve

673
00:33:56,630 --> 00:34:01,190
S1: conflict and find peace and hope with adult children. And

674
00:34:01,190 --> 00:34:03,630
S1: each of these people who are calling in here today,

675
00:34:04,030 --> 00:34:06,670
S1: we could spend a whole hour and a whole hour

676
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:11,029
S1: in prayer. Uh, what's going on? The next up is

677
00:34:11,070 --> 00:34:14,380
S1: the Nell. Nell, why did you call Doctor Cook today?

678
00:34:15,260 --> 00:34:19,180
S5: Well, I was listening to the program, and I have

679
00:34:19,180 --> 00:34:24,620
S5: a daughter. Uh, she's 54, and she is, um, very worldly.

680
00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:28,940
S5: You know, she, um, we have, we have really nothing

681
00:34:28,940 --> 00:34:31,820
S5: in common, except we both like the Chicago Cubs.

682
00:34:33,460 --> 00:34:36,500
S6: Hey. And this year, that's enough right now, right?

683
00:34:36,540 --> 00:34:40,020
S7: Oh, boy. They're doing great. Oh my gosh. Anyway.

684
00:34:40,700 --> 00:34:44,100
S5: You know, we don't have the same political views. She

685
00:34:44,100 --> 00:34:48,819
S5: doesn't um she's not a believer. She doesn't, she tells

686
00:34:48,820 --> 00:34:51,820
S5: me that she knows about Jesus, but she doesn't know

687
00:34:51,820 --> 00:34:54,339
S5: Jesus and she doesn't want to, she doesn't want me

688
00:34:54,340 --> 00:34:59,180
S5: talking about Jesus. And, you know, I've tried to, um,

689
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:03,940
S5: be gentle in, you know, things that I've said and, and,

690
00:35:03,940 --> 00:35:06,460
S5: and any time I start talking about it, she just

691
00:35:06,460 --> 00:35:09,020
S5: stops talking to me. You know, we just, she just

692
00:35:09,020 --> 00:35:11,620
S5: clams up. So I just don't, I just don't bring

693
00:35:11,650 --> 00:35:14,530
S5: it up. So at this point in her life, she

694
00:35:14,530 --> 00:35:17,169
S5: is struggling with a very serious form of cancer.

695
00:35:17,730 --> 00:35:18,090
S7: Wow.

696
00:35:18,130 --> 00:35:21,450
S5: And it sounds like from talking to her today, she's

697
00:35:21,450 --> 00:35:25,529
S5: back in the hospital again. And the doctor told her

698
00:35:25,530 --> 00:35:28,410
S5: that the family needs to have a conversation, which doesn't

699
00:35:28,410 --> 00:35:36,450
S5: sound very, very positive. So, um, you know, I feel

700
00:35:36,450 --> 00:35:41,730
S5: like she's approaching the end of her life, and I'm sad,

701
00:35:41,730 --> 00:35:44,610
S5: and I'm fearful for where she's going to spend eternity.

702
00:35:45,050 --> 00:35:45,490
S7: Yes.

703
00:35:45,730 --> 00:35:46,850
S5: And it scares me.

704
00:35:47,850 --> 00:35:49,050
S7: And if you can't talk.

705
00:35:49,050 --> 00:35:52,330
S1: About Jesus, you know who is the answer to all

706
00:35:52,370 --> 00:35:55,450
S1: of that? All of that. Then what do you talk about?

707
00:35:55,450 --> 00:35:57,969
S1: Let me call time out right here. Friend, as you

708
00:35:57,969 --> 00:36:01,490
S1: listen to what Daniel is talking about here, there's there's

709
00:36:01,489 --> 00:36:04,370
S1: something more going on than just here's the here's a

710
00:36:04,370 --> 00:36:08,370
S1: struggle that I have with my daughter. There is eternity

711
00:36:08,410 --> 00:36:10,920
S1: at stake. So I'm going to ask you, and we'll

712
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,200
S1: take a break and come back in a couple of minutes.

713
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,640
S1: And I'm going to ask God to give Doctor Cook

714
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,439
S1: just real wisdom to speak into Linnell's life. But would

715
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,200
S1: you pray for this situation with her daughter? God knows

716
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,719
S1: her name. She knows. He knows the hospital she is in.

717
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:30,080
S1: He knows everything about her. He knows what needs to

718
00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:33,319
S1: happen in order for her to kind of wake up

719
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,480
S1: to the truth of the, the love that he has

720
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:40,319
S1: expressed to her that she doesn't know yet. So would

721
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,960
S1: you pray as we take a quick break here? And

722
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,319
S1: if you go to the website, Chris Fabry live.org, don't

723
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,000
S1: do that in the break, I want you to pray

724
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,960
S1: for Danelle and her daughter and for wisdom from Doctor Cook.

725
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,600
S1: But when you go to the website. Chris Fabry live.org.

726
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,279
S1: We have a link there where you can support us

727
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:01,120
S1: and get a copy of Resolve, Conflict and Find Peace

728
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,440
S1: and Hope with Adult Children by Doctor Cook. Again, go

729
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:18,710
S1: to Chris Fabry live dot. I'm convinced this is right

730
00:37:18,710 --> 00:37:22,469
S1: where we need to be today on the program with National.

731
00:37:22,510 --> 00:37:26,230
S1: The situation with her daughter. Don't talk to me about religion,

732
00:37:26,230 --> 00:37:30,670
S1: about that Jesus of yours, and then finding out even today,

733
00:37:30,710 --> 00:37:32,950
S1: I think Danielle said today that she found out that

734
00:37:32,950 --> 00:37:38,549
S1: her daughter is, has, uh, a life threatening disease. And

735
00:37:38,870 --> 00:37:41,950
S1: so here she is in this situation. And here's Doctor

736
00:37:41,950 --> 00:37:46,510
S1: Kathy Cook talking about this estrangement, the fracture in relationships.

737
00:37:46,510 --> 00:37:49,910
S1: So Kathy, I'm praying for wisdom for you. Go right ahead.

738
00:37:50,830 --> 00:37:55,390
S2: Yeah. No pressure or anything. Um, such an honor, isn't it,

739
00:37:55,390 --> 00:37:58,549
S2: to speak life into people's situations. If you're able to

740
00:37:58,590 --> 00:38:01,430
S2: communicate with her, I would recommend that you let her

741
00:38:01,469 --> 00:38:03,230
S2: know that you don't want her to be going through

742
00:38:03,230 --> 00:38:06,629
S2: this alone or without you. You know, maybe she has friends.

743
00:38:06,989 --> 00:38:09,339
S2: Maybe she shaving has some other family members. I think

744
00:38:09,380 --> 00:38:11,219
S2: you have a right. You have a right to your disappointment.

745
00:38:11,219 --> 00:38:13,540
S2: You have a right to your sadness. And I think

746
00:38:13,580 --> 00:38:17,740
S2: you can communicate. I really don't like the idea of

747
00:38:18,020 --> 00:38:20,460
S2: you doing this without me. Can I come sit with you?

748
00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:22,299
S2: I think you have a right to ask that question.

749
00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:24,660
S2: I also would recommend if you're able to get her

750
00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:27,100
S2: a letter, write her a letter. When we. When we

751
00:38:27,100 --> 00:38:30,259
S2: speak up face to face, we. They feel sabotaged. They

752
00:38:30,260 --> 00:38:33,220
S2: feel like we've pounced on them. We've been processing something

753
00:38:33,219 --> 00:38:35,660
S2: and thinking of deep ideas. And then we shock them

754
00:38:35,660 --> 00:38:38,219
S2: with this conversation. And then they have to respond emotionally.

755
00:38:38,219 --> 00:38:40,620
S2: And that's where the anger comes in. If you're able

756
00:38:40,620 --> 00:38:42,419
S2: to get her a letter, I would I would write

757
00:38:42,460 --> 00:38:44,219
S2: a letter, I would ask the Lord to help you

758
00:38:44,219 --> 00:38:46,860
S2: with that. And you can. What's cool about a letter

759
00:38:46,860 --> 00:38:48,620
S2: is that you have to be thoughtful. You have to

760
00:38:48,620 --> 00:38:51,940
S2: have evidence to support your points. You'll have the proper

761
00:38:51,940 --> 00:38:55,020
S2: kind of emotional language as well as thinking language, if

762
00:38:55,020 --> 00:38:57,379
S2: you will. And the purpose of the letter is not

763
00:38:57,380 --> 00:38:59,820
S2: to take the place of a conversation, but to start one.

764
00:39:00,219 --> 00:39:02,540
S2: And so it says, man, my, the love I have

765
00:39:02,540 --> 00:39:04,540
S2: for you has never gone away. And I have some

766
00:39:04,540 --> 00:39:07,330
S2: things I need to communicate. um, try to do that.

767
00:39:07,330 --> 00:39:09,210
S2: And I've even said to people that if you write

768
00:39:09,250 --> 00:39:11,210
S2: a letter but you can't send it, it's still good

769
00:39:11,210 --> 00:39:13,970
S2: for your heart to write it. But my, my, my,

770
00:39:14,090 --> 00:39:17,010
S2: my hope for you would be that you could write

771
00:39:17,010 --> 00:39:20,250
S2: your feelings and your thoughts on paper and that you

772
00:39:20,250 --> 00:39:22,489
S2: could send that to her or have someone drop it

773
00:39:22,489 --> 00:39:25,489
S2: off so that she knows. And the knowing of her knowing,

774
00:39:26,050 --> 00:39:28,410
S2: you know, the depth of your concern and love. And

775
00:39:28,410 --> 00:39:31,810
S2: then you say, man, I'd love to talk in person.

776
00:39:31,810 --> 00:39:33,130
S2: Could we please do that?

777
00:39:33,530 --> 00:39:37,650
S1: Do you honor the the Jesus with the X through it,

778
00:39:37,650 --> 00:39:43,370
S1: the no Jesus talk for the time being, then possibly.

779
00:39:43,370 --> 00:39:45,730
S2: Or thanks for asking that, Chris. What I might do

780
00:39:45,730 --> 00:39:49,969
S2: is I might say, you know, Jesus would be your

781
00:39:49,969 --> 00:39:53,730
S2: best companion at this time in your life. Jesus is

782
00:39:53,730 --> 00:39:57,089
S2: our security. He is totally, 100% trustworthy. He is who

783
00:39:57,090 --> 00:39:58,970
S2: he says he is. He does what he says he'll do.

784
00:39:59,370 --> 00:40:02,090
S2: He gives you your identity. You're created in God's image.

785
00:40:02,090 --> 00:40:03,969
S2: You were chosen to be alive for such a time

786
00:40:03,969 --> 00:40:07,319
S2: as this, a. God's love for you is majestic and

787
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:10,359
S2: he loves every person he creates, and he is your belonging.

788
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:13,000
S2: He is the one that can solve the problem, the

789
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:14,640
S2: hole in your heart. He's the one that would love

790
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,919
S2: to be walking with you right now. And he gives

791
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:19,279
S2: purpose and he gives us our competence. I wouldn't talk

792
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:21,480
S2: about sin. I wouldn't talk about, you know, you need

793
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,279
S2: Jesus to save you before you go to hell or heaven.

794
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,319
S2: I would talk about what Jesus does for us in

795
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:31,120
S2: all the other ways, which actually is the solution. And

796
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,960
S2: if that then opens the door, then perhaps you can

797
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,319
S2: talk about the need for a savior. But what she

798
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,160
S2: needs to know is who Jesus would like to be

799
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,560
S2: for her in all regards. And I think there can

800
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:43,360
S2: be a saving faith in that conversation as well.

801
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,920
S1: Yeah, the idea of I don't know where she's going,

802
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:50,319
S1: you know, and I'm scared for her. That's a fear

803
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:53,960
S1: that there's so much fear there. And do you have

804
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,680
S1: a do you have confidence in a sovereign God who

805
00:40:56,680 --> 00:41:00,399
S1: loves Nannerl's daughter more than Nannerl does? You know, it's

806
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,960
S1: like he loves her so much. So is there a

807
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:07,069
S1: way to have confidence in him, while at the same

808
00:41:07,070 --> 00:41:10,310
S1: time honoring what she has asked so that at some

809
00:41:10,310 --> 00:41:13,270
S1: point she says, mom, tell me about Jesus. That's what

810
00:41:13,270 --> 00:41:16,430
S1: I would, you know, would love to be able to see, right?

811
00:41:17,070 --> 00:41:19,710
S2: Oh, Chris, that's so beautiful. Yeah. Let's pray that she's

812
00:41:19,750 --> 00:41:21,549
S2: hungry and ready. And it could come out of fear.

813
00:41:21,550 --> 00:41:23,430
S2: It could be a fear of hell. That's okay. I

814
00:41:23,430 --> 00:41:25,910
S2: don't believe in evangelizing that way in most cases. But

815
00:41:25,910 --> 00:41:28,509
S2: if that's what motivates this daughter to reach out, so

816
00:41:28,510 --> 00:41:31,310
S2: be it. Again, pray that others in the hospital or

817
00:41:31,670 --> 00:41:34,830
S2: wherever she is would be ambassadors of truth in that regard.

818
00:41:35,030 --> 00:41:36,670
S2: But yeah, absolutely.

819
00:41:37,190 --> 00:41:39,670
S1: Danielle, does that encourage you at all?

820
00:41:39,910 --> 00:41:42,070
S5: Yes it does. I like the letter idea.

821
00:41:42,110 --> 00:41:43,110
S7: Mhm. Yeah, yeah.

822
00:41:43,150 --> 00:41:43,989
S2: Oh, good.

823
00:41:44,270 --> 00:41:44,550
S7: Good.

824
00:41:46,230 --> 00:41:47,390
S1: Well hang on the.

825
00:41:47,390 --> 00:41:47,910
S2: Lord bless.

826
00:41:47,910 --> 00:41:49,950
S1: You. I want to send you a copy of this.

827
00:41:49,989 --> 00:41:53,950
S1: So yeah, Lisa will get your information. I'll ask our listeners, uh,

828
00:41:53,950 --> 00:41:57,750
S1: storm the gates of heaven for Danielle's daughter. God knows

829
00:41:57,750 --> 00:42:01,390
S1: her name. God knows the situation. God knows who needs

830
00:42:01,390 --> 00:42:05,340
S1: to walk into that hospital room a nurse, a chaplain,

831
00:42:05,340 --> 00:42:11,380
S1: whoever he knows. And just to to take the blinders off,

832
00:42:11,380 --> 00:42:15,860
S1: it sounds like, so that Nadels daughter could experience that

833
00:42:15,860 --> 00:42:19,340
S1: real life that that Jesus wants so much for her.

834
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:22,299
S1: I have one other call here. Virginia is on the

835
00:42:22,300 --> 00:42:25,940
S1: line with a little different call, a little different question. Hi, Virginia.

836
00:42:25,980 --> 00:42:26,540
S1: Go ahead.

837
00:42:26,860 --> 00:42:32,379
S8: Hi. Oh, I'm just calling because, um, I was wondering if, um,

838
00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:34,259
S8: Kathy Cook would be able to give me. I don't

839
00:42:34,300 --> 00:42:36,299
S8: know if something's wrong with me, because I don't want

840
00:42:36,340 --> 00:42:39,140
S8: to see my two grown daughters. You know, I just

841
00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:42,420
S8: don't have any interest in them, and I. I don't

842
00:42:42,420 --> 00:42:45,300
S8: really love them anymore, quite honestly. You know, I feel

843
00:42:45,300 --> 00:42:47,779
S8: sorry for them sometimes or, you know, like, I would

844
00:42:47,780 --> 00:42:49,740
S8: feel for anybody else, but I just don't want anything

845
00:42:49,739 --> 00:42:51,739
S8: to do with them. And they call me, but I

846
00:42:51,739 --> 00:42:55,299
S8: don't return their cause. And I just, I'm just, I'm

847
00:42:55,300 --> 00:42:58,100
S8: just tired of the whole mother mess, I guess.

848
00:42:59,060 --> 00:43:01,890
S1: So have you been hurt by them before? Is that

849
00:43:01,930 --> 00:43:03,850
S1: why you're afraid that you're going to be hurt again

850
00:43:03,850 --> 00:43:04,490
S1: by them?

851
00:43:05,410 --> 00:43:08,570
S8: Well, I haven't been hurt directly by them, but sometimes

852
00:43:08,570 --> 00:43:10,810
S8: some of the things that they that they do, which

853
00:43:10,810 --> 00:43:13,930
S8: wasn't anything big really. I mean, I suppose I've hurt

854
00:43:13,930 --> 00:43:17,290
S8: them in in different ways too, but you know, I

855
00:43:17,290 --> 00:43:20,009
S8: just they're, I, I don't want any more of the

856
00:43:20,010 --> 00:43:21,810
S8: complications of their lives.

857
00:43:22,250 --> 00:43:26,130
S1: Okay. Well, thank you for being honest. That's I haven't

858
00:43:26,130 --> 00:43:29,290
S1: heard that question. And I'm interested, Kathy, what you'll say.

859
00:43:30,090 --> 00:43:32,810
S2: Yeah. I appreciate again that you're trusting us. So I've

860
00:43:32,810 --> 00:43:35,890
S2: heard this before. And I would say, and I wish

861
00:43:35,890 --> 00:43:37,690
S2: we were across the table from each other with a

862
00:43:37,690 --> 00:43:41,210
S2: piece of pie and a Coke or something. I could

863
00:43:41,210 --> 00:43:43,330
S2: look you in the eye when I say this. You know,

864
00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:47,129
S2: God calls us to unconditionally love our kids. He doesn't

865
00:43:47,130 --> 00:43:50,890
S2: call us to like them. And there's something kind of

866
00:43:50,930 --> 00:43:54,210
S2: refreshing about that, right? But the love is supposed to

867
00:43:54,210 --> 00:43:56,489
S2: be unconditional. There's nothing you can do that would cause

868
00:43:56,489 --> 00:43:58,730
S2: me to love you more. There's nothing you can do

869
00:43:58,730 --> 00:44:01,359
S2: that would cause me to love you less. My love

870
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:04,760
S2: for you is because God chose for us to be family.

871
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:08,360
S2: And again, he takes family seriously. So I would invite

872
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,719
S2: you to get quiet before the Lord and ask him

873
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:14,759
S2: to show you what is there in the way. Like,

874
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:16,440
S2: is there something in the way? Is there something you're

875
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:19,480
S2: not remembering or realizing that's preventing you from having the

876
00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:24,000
S2: energy to love them? Well, I understand that if it's complex,

877
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,040
S2: if it's complicated, and if you're more of a low

878
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,520
S2: energy person, it can be really hard. And yet with respect,

879
00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:32,759
S2: I would say they are family. So I would, I

880
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,719
S2: would pray and I would pray for energy. I would

881
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:37,719
S2: pray for compassion. I would pray for peace in the

882
00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:40,719
S2: middle of the storm. I'd pray for hope. I'd pray

883
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,600
S2: that they would be honest to let you know what's

884
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:46,640
S2: going on. I would pray for the chaos to become calm.

885
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:49,280
S2: There are some very specific things that you can pray for.

886
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:52,080
S2: And in light of all of that, I would ask

887
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:55,640
S2: you to consider what could you take off in order

888
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:59,709
S2: to put on love? So change happens. It's Ephesians 422

889
00:44:59,750 --> 00:45:03,509
S2: through 24. We take off the old self, which is corrupted.

890
00:45:03,750 --> 00:45:05,630
S2: We put on the new self, which is created to

891
00:45:05,630 --> 00:45:08,230
S2: be like God in true righteousness and holiness. In the

892
00:45:08,230 --> 00:45:11,430
S2: middle verse, Ephesians four, verse 23 says, renew your mind.

893
00:45:11,830 --> 00:45:14,950
S2: So I find that when we need to change our attitude,

894
00:45:14,950 --> 00:45:18,629
S2: our belief, our perspective, our hope, we have to take

895
00:45:18,630 --> 00:45:21,390
S2: off what's in the way and put on what is

896
00:45:21,390 --> 00:45:24,109
S2: true in order for change to really take root. So

897
00:45:24,110 --> 00:45:26,630
S2: if you want to put on love, if you want

898
00:45:26,630 --> 00:45:30,870
S2: to put on attachment, if you want to put on communication,

899
00:45:30,870 --> 00:45:33,230
S2: you have to take something off. And I would encourage

900
00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:36,430
S2: you to really process that because I think the family matters.

901
00:45:36,430 --> 00:45:38,430
S2: I don't think you would have called except that you

902
00:45:38,430 --> 00:45:40,870
S2: would deep down, there's a part of you that wants change.

903
00:45:41,350 --> 00:45:43,669
S2: And I'm going to pray that the Lord shows you

904
00:45:43,670 --> 00:45:46,230
S2: what you can do and shows your daughters what they

905
00:45:46,230 --> 00:45:46,710
S2: could do.

906
00:45:47,790 --> 00:45:51,510
S1: And I thought, as you're asking that question, Virginia, what

907
00:45:51,510 --> 00:45:54,189
S1: what kind of love do you want from God? Do

908
00:45:54,190 --> 00:45:56,939
S1: you want God to turn away from you when your

909
00:45:56,940 --> 00:45:59,660
S1: life gets a little bit messy, which I'm sure it has.

910
00:45:59,700 --> 00:46:02,100
S1: All of our lives are messy. Now I want a

911
00:46:02,100 --> 00:46:05,940
S1: God who's going to walk with me through, through everything. Uh,

912
00:46:05,940 --> 00:46:08,060
S1: and that's what he shows. It's not just that I

913
00:46:08,060 --> 00:46:11,980
S1: want that God shows us throughout the scriptures. He shows

914
00:46:11,980 --> 00:46:14,140
S1: us in Jesus that he was willing to put on

915
00:46:14,140 --> 00:46:17,500
S1: skin and be one of us. So I hope that

916
00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:20,300
S1: encourages you as well. Doctor cook, it's been a great hour.

917
00:46:20,340 --> 00:46:22,859
S1: We could we could do another week or month of

918
00:46:22,860 --> 00:46:27,219
S1: programs on this. Thank you for doing the hard, the

919
00:46:27,219 --> 00:46:30,620
S1: heavy lifting of writing this and, uh, come back and

920
00:46:30,620 --> 00:46:31,860
S1: see us real soon, okay.

921
00:46:32,460 --> 00:46:34,380
S2: I'd be honored to. Thank you very much, Chris.

922
00:46:34,860 --> 00:46:39,299
S1: Doctor. Kathy Cook, KOCH. Resolve conflict and find peace and

923
00:46:39,300 --> 00:46:41,899
S1: hope with adult children. It's our. Thank you right now

924
00:46:41,900 --> 00:46:46,900
S1: at the website, chris.org. Our programs for production of Moody Radio,

925
00:46:46,980 --> 00:46:50,460
S1: a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Have a great weekend.