1 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,719 S1: Tis the season for blended family, fun and struggle and 2 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,800 S1: maybe a little tension and turmoil if you are in 3 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,239 S1: a blended family. We need your help today. I ask 4 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:19,880 S1: this question on Facebook and we got some really good answers. 5 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:24,759 S1: The question is what's your best advice for the blended family? 6 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:28,880 S1: Hurtling toward Christmas? Call us early and often. We want 7 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,440 S1: to hear from you today on a practical, helpful edition 8 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:39,000 S1: of Chris Fabry Live (877) 548-3675. This is the program from 9 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,400 S1: the heart to the heart for the heart. We begin 10 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,120 S1: with a thank you to those behind the glass. Ryan 11 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,240 S1: McConaughey doing all things technical. Trish is our producer. Lisa 12 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,960 S1: is here. Josh will be answering your calls and the 13 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,840 S1: thank you extends to Diane in Indiana and Megan in Michigan, 14 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,840 S1: Tim in Illinois, Lori in Alabama, and Laraine in Idaho. 15 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,420 S1: Five people who gave just yesterday and are going to 16 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:06,860 S1: receive the beautiful hardcover book Hosanna in Excelsis 43 Hymns 17 00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:09,780 S1: and Devotions for the Christmas Season. This is not a 18 00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:12,220 S1: book you read and shelve. This is a book that 19 00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,420 S1: you read, and then you get out next year and 20 00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:17,460 S1: the year after that. It is so good. And if 21 00:01:17,459 --> 00:01:19,979 S1: you give a gift here at the end of the year, 22 00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,979 S1: which is only three weeks left, we only have three 23 00:01:22,980 --> 00:01:26,619 S1: weeks left in 2025. Can you believe that? If you 24 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,620 S1: give a gift in the next three weeks and today 25 00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:30,220 S1: would be a great day to do that. We want 26 00:01:30,260 --> 00:01:33,340 S1: to send you a copy of this. Uh, but hurry. Eight. 27 00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:37,540 S1: 6695 is the number. If you want to call or 28 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:42,580 S1: easiest to go to the website or scroll down, you'll 29 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,259 S1: see how to give it a one time gift. Or 30 00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:47,179 S1: you can become a back fence partner with us. Like 31 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:50,300 S1: some of those five people I just mentioned. Uh, to 32 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:53,380 S1: give a gift each month, just go to Chris Fabbri. 33 00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:57,860 S1: Fabbri Chris Fabbri Livorno. Thank you, thank you, thank you 34 00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:01,850 S1: for your generosity and and valuing what we do here 35 00:02:02,090 --> 00:02:04,730 S1: at the radio backyard fence. I think one of the 36 00:02:04,730 --> 00:02:07,490 S1: things it's going to be on exhibition here today, one 37 00:02:07,490 --> 00:02:11,450 S1: of the things that we do is we talk about, um, 38 00:02:11,450 --> 00:02:15,490 S1: resources and ideas and thoughts for people who are struggling 39 00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:19,890 S1: through one thing or another that you might not hear elsewhere. 40 00:02:20,210 --> 00:02:23,730 S1: That's why I love having Ron Deal on the program. 41 00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:26,410 S1: He is the director of Family Life Blended, a ministry 42 00:02:26,410 --> 00:02:30,970 S1: of Family Life and president of Smart Step Families. Prolific 43 00:02:30,970 --> 00:02:35,650 S1: author of books such as the number one bestseller The 44 00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:41,530 S1: Mindful Marriage. You Can See It Chris Fabry, Livorno. Ron, 45 00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:43,570 S1: welcome back to the program. How are you doing today? 46 00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:46,169 S2: I am doing well, Chris, and it's great to be back. 47 00:02:46,169 --> 00:02:47,450 S2: Always good to be with you. 48 00:02:47,690 --> 00:02:50,490 S1: Same here. Uh, I'm looking forward to the to the 49 00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:53,650 S1: response that we're going to get today, because I really 50 00:02:53,650 --> 00:02:56,530 S1: do want people to call in and to help us 51 00:02:56,530 --> 00:03:00,430 S1: out and answer that question. And as I said on Facebook, 52 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,790 S1: they've already done that. But what's the best advice if 53 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:05,550 S1: you could talk to a blended family right now from 54 00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:08,870 S1: your perspective as a person in a blended family, or 55 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:12,270 S1: you're on the outside looking in, but you've seen this, 56 00:03:12,310 --> 00:03:14,549 S1: what would you say? So I want to hear some 57 00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:19,230 S1: response to that. But first, Barna did a recent study 58 00:03:19,230 --> 00:03:21,669 S1: about the state of the family, and that comes into 59 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:22,990 S1: play here. Tell me about it. 60 00:03:23,590 --> 00:03:25,829 S2: Well, there's a number of things that show up when 61 00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:28,670 S2: Barna does research. And so I would encourage people to 62 00:03:28,710 --> 00:03:30,830 S2: go look that up if you hadn't heard about it. 63 00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:33,470 S2: Just about three weeks ago, I was involved in a 64 00:03:33,470 --> 00:03:37,030 S2: webinar launch, and they have a new report that's available, 65 00:03:37,070 --> 00:03:38,790 S2: the state of the family. You can just Google that 66 00:03:38,790 --> 00:03:40,950 S2: and you'll find it. But here's a punch line that's 67 00:03:40,950 --> 00:03:46,590 S2: relevant to our conversation today. Get this 53% of all 68 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:51,070 S2: parents with children under the age of 18, 53% have 69 00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:57,020 S2: their children are in, uh, complex family environments such that 70 00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,660 S2: they're in either a single parent home or a blended 71 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:02,380 S2: family home, or they likely will have a stepparent at 72 00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:06,180 S2: some point in their lifetime. 53% of all parents. Here's 73 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:10,620 S2: the big punchline. That number goes up to 74% of 74 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:16,020 S2: Gen Z parents. It is incredibly common for children to 75 00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:20,380 S2: be living in complex family environments, and Christmas and major 76 00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:22,860 S2: holidays are is one of those times of the year 77 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:27,780 S2: when all of those differences come to the surface. When children, 78 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,020 S2: you know, a biological mom, biological dad, step mom, step dad, 79 00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,779 S2: whatever the case is, they're trying to navigate where the 80 00:04:33,779 --> 00:04:37,099 S2: kids are going to be on Christmas morning, on Christmas Eve, 81 00:04:37,140 --> 00:04:39,060 S2: which grandparents are going to get to see them, and 82 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:41,820 S2: when are they going to have six turkeys over the 83 00:04:41,820 --> 00:04:44,739 S2: next three weeks? Or, you know, all of those kinds 84 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:49,660 S2: of things become reality really, really fast for these children. 85 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:53,020 S2: And it is the majority of children. I've said it 86 00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,320 S2: here on this program. I've said it for about 20 87 00:04:55,320 --> 00:05:00,120 S2: years now. And now Barna has substantiated the non-traditional family 88 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,480 S2: is the new traditional family and the church. We got 89 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,640 S2: to catch up. We got to get relevant. We've got 90 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,599 S2: to understand. We've got to be loving and supportive and 91 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,320 S2: help people in these in these dynamics. 92 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:16,520 S1: Yes. And and we're doing better. Don't you think we're 93 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,520 S1: doing better to acknowledge what is actually going on out there. Right. 94 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,920 S2: Well, well, Chris Fabry got me on his program talking 95 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,839 S2: about it. So yes, there's been progress made and and yes, 96 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:30,080 S2: I would say we're getting there. I, I lead the 97 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:34,480 S2: largest blended family ministry in, well, the world really. Um, 98 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,720 S2: but that's not saying much because there's just not a 99 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,240 S2: lot of people out there doing what we're doing. But 100 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,799 S2: I do believe it will become increasingly common in the future. 101 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,320 S2: It has to. It has to the numbers. We can't 102 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,840 S2: deny it anymore. People are living in complex family dynamic situations. 103 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,150 S2: Children in particular are being raised in those contexts. And 104 00:05:54,150 --> 00:05:56,750 S2: if we're going to be relevant and this is children's 105 00:05:56,750 --> 00:06:01,630 S2: Sunday School to youth programs, to adult ed, to small groups, 106 00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:05,070 S2: and how we do so much in the Christian community 107 00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:09,870 S2: has got to understand the times and respond. 108 00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:13,870 S1: Hmm. I didn't realize until just now we've been doing 109 00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:17,390 S1: these kinds of conversations for a long time. I because 110 00:06:17,390 --> 00:06:21,190 S1: on Monday I talked about my father and lost his 111 00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:24,229 S1: mom on Christmas Day when he was, I think he 112 00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:28,990 S1: was ten years old. And, um, the back story then 113 00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:33,190 S1: what happened after that was his dad, who had they 114 00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:37,070 S1: had a number of children. He got married very quickly 115 00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:40,229 S1: to someone who he thought would step in and be 116 00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:44,150 S1: a mom to these kids. And it was it fell apart. 117 00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:47,550 S1: It just it was it was abusive. He my dad 118 00:06:47,550 --> 00:06:49,510 S1: would tell wouldn't tell a whole lot about it, but 119 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,470 S1: he'd tell me some of the stories of the of 120 00:06:51,510 --> 00:06:54,729 S1: the things that happened in that blended family that then 121 00:06:54,730 --> 00:06:57,729 S1: broke apart. And then, you know, he grew up and 122 00:06:57,730 --> 00:07:00,250 S1: the was the older girls that kind of took care 123 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:03,770 S1: of the younger, younger kids in a lot of ways, 124 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:06,850 S1: but I didn't. I'm a part of a of a 125 00:07:06,850 --> 00:07:09,730 S1: blended family coming out of that blended family. 126 00:07:09,770 --> 00:07:13,690 S2: That's right. It's a legacy for you. It's two generations up. 127 00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:17,090 S2: But I guarantee you that influenced who your father was, 128 00:07:17,090 --> 00:07:19,850 S2: how he thought about relationships, how he related to your mother, 129 00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:24,250 S2: how he parented. That's all informed by what he experienced 130 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,090 S2: as as a child. 131 00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:31,369 S1: Yes. And that loss of his mom. Then grief and loss, 132 00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:34,490 S1: no matter what, what the reason is to have a 133 00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:38,410 S1: blended family. Every blended family is formed because of some 134 00:07:38,410 --> 00:07:39,930 S1: kind of trauma, right? 135 00:07:40,610 --> 00:07:43,770 S2: There's been a loss of some kind. We say stepfamilies 136 00:07:43,770 --> 00:07:47,330 S2: are born out of loss. Meaning death, divorce, breakup of 137 00:07:47,930 --> 00:07:51,070 S2: two parents who had a child together. Um, and they're 138 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:54,670 S2: born into loss. It's a different kind of loss they're 139 00:07:54,670 --> 00:07:58,070 S2: born into. It's an ambiguity. It's a oh, I had 140 00:07:58,070 --> 00:08:03,230 S2: expectations that marrying you, just like your grandfather, uh, married 141 00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:05,830 S2: a woman thinking she was going to be the mom 142 00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:08,710 S2: that his kids needed. Only it didn't work out that way. 143 00:08:08,710 --> 00:08:12,150 S2: So there's there's ambiguity there. There's there's a transition. Things 144 00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:14,470 S2: didn't quite work out. What what do we do now? 145 00:08:14,510 --> 00:08:17,670 S2: And then there's a breakup of another family. And there's 146 00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:20,830 S2: more loss that comes with that. So what we want 147 00:08:20,870 --> 00:08:23,590 S2: to do is we want to help people in our ministry. 148 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:26,429 S2: We help people navigate the loss and keep that loss 149 00:08:26,430 --> 00:08:30,230 S2: from creating more loss. Right. Because it's stability within the 150 00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:34,350 S2: home that is going to create, um, the next generation 151 00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:38,390 S2: having a likelihood of a better shot at living God's 152 00:08:38,390 --> 00:08:41,830 S2: design for the family. Ultimately, that's what we're about redeeming 153 00:08:42,070 --> 00:08:46,069 S2: God's design for the family. That's what drives everything that 154 00:08:46,070 --> 00:08:49,339 S2: I do. And it just takes a while. but we 155 00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:53,380 S2: got to do something to mitigate some of the pain 156 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:57,060 S2: and disruption and sadness and things that go along with fracturing. 157 00:08:57,420 --> 00:09:01,780 S2: And again, fracturing is sometimes because of death, but nevertheless, uh, 158 00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:04,660 S2: it is a fracturing. And what we don't want is, is, 159 00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:09,100 S2: is unstable, unloving, unsafe environments for children. 160 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,740 S1: And if you are in a blended family and you're 161 00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:14,059 S1: listening right now and you say, you know what? This 162 00:09:14,059 --> 00:09:16,780 S1: time of year, yeah, it can get hard. But here's 163 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:20,540 S1: what we've done. There might be somebody who's listening today 164 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:25,939 S1: who needs to hear exactly your best advice for another 165 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,300 S1: blended family or you. You're not in a blended family, 166 00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:33,180 S1: but you have extended family, blended families in your family 167 00:09:33,179 --> 00:09:36,140 S1: or in your church family. And you'd say, here's the 168 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:47,220 S1: advice that I would give. (877) 548-3675 is our number (877) 548-3675. 169 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,880 S1: Ron Deal with is with us today. Our correspondent to 170 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,439 S1: the blended family. And we need your help. We need 171 00:09:53,440 --> 00:10:12,040 S1: your advice. (877) 548-3675. Ron is back. He is one of 172 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,479 S1: the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families 173 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,640 S1: in the country. Director of Family Life, blended for Family Life. 174 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:24,720 S1: Founder of Smart Stepfamilies and the author and consulting editor 175 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:28,520 S1: of the Smart Stepfamilies series of books, including the best 176 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,760 S1: selling Building Love Together in Blended Families that he wrote 177 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,559 S1: with Doctor Gary Chapman, The Smart Step Family seven Steps 178 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:39,640 S1: to a Healthy Family. He's also author of the bestseller 179 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:44,000 S1: The Mindful Marriage with his wife, Nan. You can see 180 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,949 S1: more about his work and his ministry right there. Chris 181 00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:52,030 S1: Fabry lives. Let me ask you a question about sadness. 182 00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:55,590 S1: Say the the parent notices one of the kids is 183 00:10:55,590 --> 00:10:58,830 S1: having a problem and they kind of, you know, see 184 00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:00,830 S1: that that's the first step is to be able to 185 00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:03,829 S1: see it. And then they move toward the child and say, 186 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:07,030 S1: what's honey? What's going on? And it comes up that 187 00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:09,790 S1: there is this, you know, it's the loss. It's the 188 00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:12,709 S1: either the death of the parent or the divorce or 189 00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:15,670 S1: whatever it is that's going on. How do you how 190 00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:18,429 S1: do you deal with that kind of sadness? 191 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,230 S2: I think the first thing all of us need to do, 192 00:11:21,230 --> 00:11:25,550 S2: whether it's our own sadness or somebody else's, is sit 193 00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:28,790 S2: in it, sit with it. It's that I don't need 194 00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:31,150 S2: to run away from this. So what I don't do 195 00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:34,200 S2: as a parent with my child, whether they're 5 or 196 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,350 S2: 15 or 25 or 35, what I don't do is go, ah, 197 00:11:38,390 --> 00:11:41,230 S2: but you know what? Jesus is the reason for the season. 198 00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:44,390 S2: And we've got hope, right? You know, that's that message 199 00:11:44,390 --> 00:11:48,050 S2: is Do away with sadness. Put on the smile and 200 00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:52,290 S2: a cheerful face. We don't do sad around here. That's 201 00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:56,170 S2: the message. And by the way, you know we all 202 00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:58,090 S2: make mistakes once or twice as a parent. But if 203 00:11:58,090 --> 00:12:01,010 S2: you repeat that message to children, they will just stop 204 00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:04,730 S2: letting you in to that space, because it's very clear 205 00:12:04,730 --> 00:12:07,490 S2: to them that it's not okay to be sad. Somehow 206 00:12:07,490 --> 00:12:09,730 S2: there's something wrong with it. And so they go to 207 00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:13,370 S2: hiding their emotions, and you won't ever get them to 208 00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:16,290 S2: talk with you or process those things with you in a, 209 00:12:16,290 --> 00:12:18,650 S2: in a, in a, in a good way, in a 210 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:22,250 S2: healthy way or a biblical way. And so the response 211 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:26,130 S2: needs to be, oh man, I'm sorry. Tell me more. 212 00:12:26,650 --> 00:12:31,170 S2: Close your mouth. Listen. Keep eye contact. You're sitting with 213 00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:35,370 S2: that sadness. In order to give space to it. So 214 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:38,610 S2: you get some articulation. So you can begin to just 215 00:12:38,610 --> 00:12:41,970 S2: share that and say, ah, you know, I can't fix that. 216 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,679 S2: And I get it. That's hard. Give me a hug. 217 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,240 S2: I love you. There's often a practical element that then 218 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,520 S2: you can turn to, to say you're not getting to 219 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,280 S2: be with your mom on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day 220 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,760 S2: because you're with us this time. And I get that. 221 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,520 S2: That's hard. Um, I'm wondering what we can do. You know, 222 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,480 S2: here's what I do know about your transition to your 223 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,880 S2: mom's house. Like, then you begin to sort of try 224 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,640 S2: to problem solve the pieces you can do something about, 225 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:15,199 S2: but you must first acknowledge what is and what's hard 226 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,319 S2: and what cannot be fixed. That's what keeps the door 227 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:24,280 S2: open for ongoing conversation. And by the way, ongoing touches, conversation. 228 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:28,040 S2: Checking in is the way we help our children learn 229 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:32,559 S2: how to manage and steward their grief. Because they see us, 230 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,560 S2: they sort of get some guidance as we're walking that 231 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:38,400 S2: out with them over time. But it's not a fix. 232 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:44,219 S2: It is a continually sharing Together the load so that 233 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,099 S2: you're not alone in your sadness. 234 00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:49,340 S1: And that they. Yeah, that they're not alone either. And 235 00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:52,220 S1: that you have as a parent, you have to become 236 00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:55,260 S1: comfortable with your own sadness in order to be comfortable 237 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,500 S1: and sit in the sadness of your kids. Right. 238 00:13:57,660 --> 00:14:00,540 S2: I can tell you, my father was an incredible man. 239 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:04,060 S2: Godly man, uh, evangelist knew the Bible, knew how to 240 00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:07,380 S2: talk to people about Jesus, was an incredible influence in 241 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,579 S2: my life and in other people's lives. But he didn't 242 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:13,339 S2: know how to do hard emotions. And so he basically 243 00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:15,620 S2: kind of ran up to it and then ran away 244 00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:19,660 S2: from it or tried to squash it. And so, you know, 245 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,980 S2: of all the great things that I could dialogue with 246 00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:25,260 S2: my dad about, from deep theology to practical life, stuff 247 00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:29,340 S2: I could not share with him anything that left me 248 00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:34,020 S2: wondering or confused or disappointed in life. He just couldn't 249 00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:36,900 S2: do it. And I can tell you as a you know, 250 00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,060 S2: we've talked about this before as a grieving parent. My 251 00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:40,780 S2: wife and I lost our 12 year old son a 252 00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:43,330 S2: number of years ago, and we now walk with other parents. 253 00:14:43,330 --> 00:14:46,410 S2: That's our side ministry that while we're waiting ministry for 254 00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:49,010 S2: parents who have lost a child. We're around these parents 255 00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:52,610 S2: all the time. And their number one complaint is whenever 256 00:14:52,610 --> 00:14:57,410 S2: they try to talk about sadness, other Christian people squash it, 257 00:14:57,570 --> 00:15:00,010 S2: push it down, walk away, don't know what to do 258 00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:03,170 S2: with it. And that's because, just as you said, we 259 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:07,330 S2: ourselves are uncomfortable with pain and so we don't know 260 00:15:07,330 --> 00:15:10,570 S2: how to handle our emotions. Looking at your emotions. And 261 00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:13,610 S2: so we either try to fix you, give you a solution, 262 00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:17,650 S2: do the happy, happy, chipper Jesus talk, or just disengage 263 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,250 S2: from it whatsoever. At the end of the day, everybody's 264 00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:24,650 S2: more isolated and nobody, nobody is sharing the load of 265 00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,650 S2: their sadness. That's exactly what the Christian community has been 266 00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:31,690 S2: called to do. You know, of course there's joy in 267 00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:35,050 S2: this season, but we always need to understand sadness and 268 00:15:35,050 --> 00:15:38,770 S2: joy travel together. There is no way to be joyful 269 00:15:38,770 --> 00:15:42,190 S2: about the Christ child and the hope we have in Jesus, 270 00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:45,190 S2: without also acknowledging that there's some hard in life, there's 271 00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:47,470 S2: some things that are not as we would have them 272 00:15:47,830 --> 00:15:51,190 S2: to be. Even the Jesus story. Being born is a 273 00:15:51,190 --> 00:15:56,110 S2: good example. Bethlehem manger, come on. That's not happy. Chipper stuff. 274 00:15:56,150 --> 00:16:00,270 S2: This is hard. His parents were social outcasts because she 275 00:16:00,270 --> 00:16:05,550 S2: was pregnant out of wedlock. There's always some sadness traveling 276 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:10,110 S2: with the joy. This is the human journey in Christ. 277 00:16:10,390 --> 00:16:13,550 S2: And we as a church, when we come alongside our 278 00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:16,790 S2: brothers and sisters and family members and even give permission 279 00:16:16,790 --> 00:16:20,550 S2: to sadness within ourselves, we are acknowledging God is with us. 280 00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:23,270 S2: We don't have to walk this alone. We share these 281 00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:26,950 S2: loads with one another, even as the spirit is is 282 00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:29,310 S2: helping us to navigate that space. 283 00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:35,110 S1: Diane really said on Facebook without, you know, hours before 284 00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:40,330 S1: you just said what you just said. She wrote this. Listen, listen, listen. 285 00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:44,730 S1: Listen to words that are spoken. Listen to non-verbal words 286 00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:48,810 S1: that are spoken. Listen to actions. This will help to 287 00:16:48,850 --> 00:16:51,570 S1: see and hear the needs of each person as an individual, 288 00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:55,130 S1: not as a group. It's a powerful reminder, she says, 289 00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:59,050 S1: as we navigate the complexities of blended family gatherings. Let's 290 00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:03,210 S1: not forget to look beyond the surface and listen to 291 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:07,050 S1: the unspoken words that often speak the loudest. So that's 292 00:17:07,050 --> 00:17:10,850 S1: just one response to the question today. Let me get 293 00:17:10,850 --> 00:17:13,729 S1: another one in here. Steve is in Ohio. Steve, why 294 00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:14,770 S1: did you call today? 295 00:17:15,810 --> 00:17:21,129 S3: Oh, I'm I'm sitting in the cockpit of that same ride, uh, 296 00:17:21,810 --> 00:17:25,449 S3: 75 years old. My wife is 71. We've been married 297 00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:29,610 S3: 31 years. This is our second marriage. We've got adult children. 298 00:17:29,609 --> 00:17:34,170 S3: We've got six grandchildren. We've got seven kids all together 299 00:17:34,210 --> 00:17:38,679 S3: or three by four. Basically. We, um. I got saved 300 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:42,720 S3: late in life. I was almost 40 when I got saved, but, um, 301 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,960 S3: any event, we tried to take two train wrecks, put 302 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,320 S3: something on the rails and keep it. Keep it going 303 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,480 S3: and call it family. Um, yeah. It's a it's a 304 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,520 S3: juggling act. There's a lot of times I got to 305 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,199 S3: kick the wheels back on the rails and, you know, 306 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:59,239 S3: we have some that, you know, don't want to be 307 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,360 S3: around if some of the other ones are around. And 308 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:05,200 S3: if somebody shows up, we're going home and we it's like, 309 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,440 S3: you know, we just look at each other, almost want 310 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,160 S3: to throw our hands up. And it's like, you know, 311 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,640 S3: God's got this somewhere down the road. He's going to 312 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,439 S3: really fix it. But right now we're just slugging through it. 313 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,360 S3: You know what I'm saying. 314 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,200 S2: Steve? Yeah, man. Thank you for calling. You know, the 315 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,960 S2: one thought that comes to my mind is that it's 316 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,000 S2: so hard to do. And, I mean, I have to 317 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,600 S2: do this in my grief journey as well when it 318 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,200 S2: comes to, you know, special days like Christmas or whatever, 319 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,200 S2: like somebody's there, but somebody's not there like you just said. 320 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,260 S2: So it's so hard to say. there's a part of 321 00:18:36,260 --> 00:18:38,220 S2: me that's sad. And there's a part of me that's happy. 322 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,380 S2: I'm glad you're here, but I wish the other people 323 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:42,060 S2: could be here at the same time. I wish we 324 00:18:42,060 --> 00:18:45,220 S2: could put all these blended family people together, but we're 325 00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:47,820 S2: just going to have to make do with what we have. 326 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,780 S2: We can't control the rest of it. But we're going 327 00:18:50,859 --> 00:18:55,379 S2: to somehow let Joy, you know, bubble up to the 328 00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:58,060 S2: surface for what's right here in front of us in 329 00:18:58,060 --> 00:19:02,179 S2: the time that we have, and you just continue to 330 00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:06,100 S2: pray about and long for the other stuff that you 331 00:19:06,180 --> 00:19:09,620 S2: hope someday will will happen. That's hard to navigate that, 332 00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:10,140 S2: isn't it? 333 00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:10,900 S1: Yeah. 334 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:13,540 S3: Can I add just one quick little thing? 335 00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:14,300 S4: Sure, sure. 336 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,739 S3: Um, you know, I generally am asked to say the 337 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:22,139 S3: blessing before the meal. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, whatever. Um, 338 00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,140 S3: I pray a general prayer because I know some some 339 00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:28,420 S3: of them still roll their eyes, you know? But, um, 340 00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:30,740 S3: I pray for those. And thank God for the people 341 00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:34,490 S3: that are here and ask special blessings for the people 342 00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:38,170 S3: that are not. And, um, you know, just thankful for 343 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:42,610 S3: that no matter what, um, doesn't always bring smiles and 344 00:19:42,609 --> 00:19:45,450 S3: tears of joy, but the thankfulness that I believe is 345 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,210 S3: what counts. 346 00:19:46,690 --> 00:19:47,090 S4: Yeah. 347 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:50,970 S1: I love that. I love that that you you do that, Steven. 348 00:19:50,970 --> 00:19:54,290 S1: And the the big question that I always put over 349 00:19:54,810 --> 00:19:57,610 S1: all of these kinds of situations is, what does love 350 00:19:57,609 --> 00:20:01,490 S1: look like? Right here, right now with this gathering, with 351 00:20:01,490 --> 00:20:04,530 S1: these people, with the with the conflict, with the tension. 352 00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:07,970 S1: If somebody walks in, what does love look like? And 353 00:20:07,970 --> 00:20:10,490 S1: you have to be, you know, it's almost like you 354 00:20:10,490 --> 00:20:13,570 S1: have to be on guard. It's you have this heightened 355 00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:17,770 S1: attention that you're you're doing to try to figure out, 356 00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:19,690 S1: you know, all of the chess pieces that are on 357 00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:20,730 S1: the board. Ron. 358 00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:25,129 S2: Yeah. And, you know, uh, you brought up the mindful 359 00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:27,850 S2: marriage a minute ago. The message of that book is, 360 00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:33,390 S2: how do I put on self control in the, uh, awkward, unsettling, 361 00:20:33,390 --> 00:20:37,310 S2: conflictual relationship moments with the people I love. How do 362 00:20:37,310 --> 00:20:40,550 S2: I put on self-control so I can bring a better 363 00:20:40,550 --> 00:20:43,790 S2: self to the next moment? When I get out of control? 364 00:20:43,790 --> 00:20:45,709 S2: I got to put on self control so that I 365 00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:48,390 S2: bring a better me to the next moment. If I 366 00:20:48,390 --> 00:20:52,870 S2: don't do that, then I'm part of the problem. You know, 367 00:20:52,869 --> 00:20:55,430 S2: I'm a bigger part of the problem and I'm making 368 00:20:55,430 --> 00:20:59,550 S2: things more complicated. Rather than bringing a sense of peace 369 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:04,909 S2: or aspects that will eventually, perhaps be healing to whatever 370 00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:08,790 S2: that relationship is. And so at the end of the day, yes, 371 00:21:09,109 --> 00:21:12,830 S2: you're navigating spaces, you're connecting with this person, this person, 372 00:21:12,830 --> 00:21:15,630 S2: but you're well aware there's tension between those two over there. 373 00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:19,590 S2: And you're doing the best you can to be loving, 374 00:21:19,630 --> 00:21:22,790 S2: to be kind, to be gentle in those moments. But 375 00:21:22,790 --> 00:21:27,669 S2: when you get dysregulated, then all of a sudden it's like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 376 00:21:27,710 --> 00:21:30,470 S2: I got to back that down. Or all I'm that's 377 00:21:30,470 --> 00:21:32,580 S2: going to come out of me is just anger and 378 00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:35,500 S2: bitterness and whatever. It's going to be ugly. And now 379 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:39,580 S2: things are worse. How do I manage me? I can't 380 00:21:39,580 --> 00:21:43,379 S2: manage them. But how do I manage me? I. The 381 00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:48,859 S2: message of the mindful marriage is for all people, all relationships, church, relationships, leadership. 382 00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:53,620 S2: It is so important and so helpful and it's so challenging. 383 00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:57,380 S2: I'll tell you personally, it's challenging because this is where 384 00:21:57,380 --> 00:21:59,619 S2: we grow up in Christ. This is where we have 385 00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:04,620 S2: to take charge of ourselves and not let the moment 386 00:22:04,619 --> 00:22:06,500 S2: bring out the worst in us. 387 00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:09,860 S1: And if you are a person who wants control or 388 00:22:09,859 --> 00:22:12,500 S1: you kind of feed on that, you know that you 389 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,300 S1: can figure out how to put those people in that 390 00:22:15,340 --> 00:22:17,540 S1: room over there, or you sit at the kids table 391 00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:21,180 S1: or whatever. If you if you live that way, then 392 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:25,620 S1: and you're you realize I'm not in control. I can't 393 00:22:25,619 --> 00:22:28,660 S1: control any of this. It can be really frustrating. 394 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:32,480 S2: Yes. And everything we're talking about applies to anybody and 395 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,200 S2: any family. Extended family. When you have people show up, 396 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,159 S2: this is not just, uh, you know, blended family, uh, complexities. 397 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,479 S2: This is just relationships. Um, there's always something that's a 398 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:48,520 S2: little awkward and off and something you wish was different. Uh, 399 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,280 S2: the temptation is to walk around trying to figure out 400 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,160 S2: how to get other people to be different so that 401 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,320 S2: I don't feel that awkwardness. And I don't feel like 402 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,080 S2: there's tension in the room. No. My job as a 403 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,200 S2: follower of Christ is to manage me so that I 404 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:09,080 S2: bring the best me to that dynamic. Doesn't mean I 405 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,840 S2: get to control or fix. It does mean I get 406 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:17,520 S2: to influence by my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, 407 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,520 S2: and self control. 408 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,840 S1: See, the thing you described here, Steve, today shows that 409 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,760 S1: you're on the right track. You know, and I hope 410 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,340 S1: you're encouraged by the conversation with Ron Diehl today. Thank 411 00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:33,780 S1: you for being vulnerable and and describing that somebody needed 412 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:37,780 S1: to hear it. Here's Eddie in Illinois. Hi, Eddie. Go 413 00:23:37,780 --> 00:23:38,380 S1: right ahead. 414 00:23:39,780 --> 00:23:43,700 S5: Hi, Ron and Chris. Uh, so my comment, uh, has 415 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,540 S5: to resonate with, uh, what you guys were speaking about with, uh, 416 00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:51,980 S5: angry children and, uh, how to deal with their anger 417 00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:57,500 S5: when they're trying to, uh, conversate with you about their situations. 418 00:23:57,700 --> 00:24:03,540 S5: So I raised a stepdaughter from newborn, and in her 419 00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:07,940 S5: pre-teen to teen years, there was a lot of conflict 420 00:24:07,940 --> 00:24:13,379 S5: going on between, you know, situations with her mother and 421 00:24:13,380 --> 00:24:16,660 S5: her and me and her and the way she was 422 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:20,500 S5: taking life in. And I always try to bring, uh, 423 00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:23,500 S5: a Christ like mind into her life, even in her 424 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,340 S5: younger years as reading from the Bible to her when 425 00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:30,169 S5: she was a baby and, you know, just, uh, trying 426 00:24:30,170 --> 00:24:34,290 S5: to bring that aspect of, you know, there is a 427 00:24:34,290 --> 00:24:38,730 S5: higher power to your life than what you think, you know. 428 00:24:39,930 --> 00:24:46,050 S5: And so, um, one thing that I always, uh, used 429 00:24:46,050 --> 00:24:48,770 S5: to try to imply was when she was feeling those 430 00:24:48,770 --> 00:24:55,850 S5: moments of, like, anguish and, and, um, adversity and and 431 00:24:56,210 --> 00:25:00,169 S5: just just feeling overwhelmed. I would try to bring the 432 00:25:00,170 --> 00:25:07,650 S5: process of, uh, humility and humor into the conversation to 433 00:25:07,690 --> 00:25:11,250 S5: bring some sense, some sense of settlement to where she 434 00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:16,810 S5: can understand that you don't always have to feel things 435 00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:21,810 S5: the the way the world feels them. You can, uh, 436 00:25:22,490 --> 00:25:28,190 S5: regard yourself from that and, uh, see the joy in 437 00:25:28,230 --> 00:25:32,230 S5: what you have that other people don't. 438 00:25:32,790 --> 00:25:36,910 S1: So in a way, you're respecting her feelings, respecting her 439 00:25:36,950 --> 00:25:40,229 S1: as a person, helping her to lead her there. I 440 00:25:40,230 --> 00:25:42,750 S1: want to get Ron to respond to that. Eddie, thank 441 00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:46,030 S1: you for for that. And hang on through the break here. 442 00:25:46,030 --> 00:25:49,630 S1: This is Chris Fabry live on Moody Radio. More straight ahead. 443 00:26:04,590 --> 00:26:07,550 S1: He's the director of Family Life Blended and the president 444 00:26:07,550 --> 00:26:12,550 S1: of smart Stepfamilies prolific author speaker Ron Deal is with 445 00:26:12,550 --> 00:26:17,109 S1: us today, and we're hearing from you some help and 446 00:26:17,109 --> 00:26:19,629 S1: hope for those in a blended family as we hurtle 447 00:26:19,670 --> 00:26:24,350 S1: toward Christmas. Great responses on Facebook. Lines open for you 448 00:26:24,350 --> 00:26:29,980 S1: at (877) 548-3675. I want to give you a chance to 449 00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:33,379 S1: respond to what Eddie said. Ron, uh, what did you 450 00:26:33,380 --> 00:26:37,300 S1: take from his conversation that he had with his stepdaughter? 451 00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:40,859 S2: Eddie was trying to be a positive influence. There's some 452 00:26:40,859 --> 00:26:43,740 S2: conflict going on in the home between his stepdaughter and 453 00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:48,139 S2: her mother, and he was trying to be a stabilizing force. Bring, 454 00:26:48,140 --> 00:26:51,380 S2: I think, in his words, humility and humor to those 455 00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:54,740 S2: difficult moments. Listen, I don't know what the end result 456 00:26:54,740 --> 00:26:58,659 S2: of all of that was years ago in their relationships today, 457 00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:01,940 S2: but I want to commend Eddie for trying to bring 458 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:07,219 S2: character to those difficult moments. Um, that parents, we tell 459 00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:09,940 S2: them from day one, look, you're in an awkward situation. 460 00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:12,300 S2: It's sort of like you're the new sheriff in town, 461 00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:15,500 S2: but nobody knows you're the sheriff. Yet. Nobody has acknowledged 462 00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:20,020 S2: that you're still trying to earn your relational equity with people. 463 00:27:20,020 --> 00:27:22,699 S2: You're trying to earn your influence and respect. And in 464 00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:24,680 S2: the meantime, you got to get a few things done. 465 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,920 S2: And so it's a delicate tightrope to walk. But what 466 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,680 S2: you can do is what Eddie did from day one. 467 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,359 S2: What we tell stepparents, what you can do is you 468 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,720 S2: can bring, uh, solace and peace and gentleness and kindness 469 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,560 S2: to who you are, to the interactions going on in 470 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:43,000 S2: the home. You can bring character. And by the way, 471 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,480 S2: that's a real bonus. Stepparents, because that makes you more likable. 472 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,680 S2: And if they if people like you, that's the first 473 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:54,680 S2: step towards loving you. Right? So so that's really important, uh, 474 00:27:54,680 --> 00:28:00,000 S2: that that stepparents bring that, uh, part of themselves to 475 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,800 S2: the family equation just right off the bat. You have 476 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,280 S2: influence here. We're this is Christmas. We're talking about the 477 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,400 S2: Christ child. And guess what? He had a stepdad who 478 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,840 S2: did what brought influence to his life, to the Messiah. 479 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,760 S2: I mean, uh, that's what heroes are made of right there. 480 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:17,920 S4: Bingo. 481 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:23,070 S1: Um, do you and I noticed this in my own parenting, 482 00:28:23,109 --> 00:28:26,030 S1: though not in blended family. And that is a lot 483 00:28:26,070 --> 00:28:30,310 S1: of times I will judge whether I was successful as 484 00:28:30,310 --> 00:28:33,910 S1: a parent or not by the outcome or by the 485 00:28:33,910 --> 00:28:36,990 S1: the child's response to whatever it is I was trying 486 00:28:36,990 --> 00:28:39,070 S1: to get him to do, or trying to get him 487 00:28:39,070 --> 00:28:42,030 S1: to be thankful for or see what I see. And 488 00:28:42,030 --> 00:28:46,870 S1: you can't judge by the outcome. A conversation like like 489 00:28:46,910 --> 00:28:49,990 S1: Eddie is talking about, he's using humor. Maybe. Maybe she 490 00:28:49,990 --> 00:28:53,150 S1: doesn't respond to that. But you don't know the seeds 491 00:28:53,150 --> 00:28:56,110 S1: that you're planting. If they're planted in love. You don't 492 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:59,510 S1: know what that's going to do down the road, right? 493 00:28:59,670 --> 00:29:02,830 S2: Correct. That is true for even biological parents. That is 494 00:29:02,830 --> 00:29:05,470 S2: doubly true for stepparents. One of the things we know 495 00:29:05,470 --> 00:29:08,830 S2: is that their positive influence often doesn't show up in 496 00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:11,830 S2: terms of a reciprocal relationship with the child, where the 497 00:29:11,830 --> 00:29:14,790 S2: child is pursuing them, the way the adult is pursuing 498 00:29:14,790 --> 00:29:17,150 S2: the child. That that doesn't show up often for years. 499 00:29:17,470 --> 00:29:20,270 S2: And so you think it's all been wasted when really? No. 500 00:29:20,270 --> 00:29:24,090 S2: You've been building a foundation that someday materializes and you 501 00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:26,850 S2: finally see it. Um, and so it's hard to keep 502 00:29:26,850 --> 00:29:29,610 S2: pressing forward. But even those of us who are biological 503 00:29:29,610 --> 00:29:33,010 S2: parents with our own children. Yeah, sometimes we feel like, 504 00:29:33,050 --> 00:29:34,810 S2: I don't know if that was the right thing to do. 505 00:29:34,850 --> 00:29:39,850 S2: That's the way, you know, we're unsure of ourselves, but 506 00:29:39,850 --> 00:29:43,450 S2: we just keep coming back to Lord. Lead me, help me. 507 00:29:43,650 --> 00:29:45,770 S2: Let me learn from my mistakes. I'll do it better 508 00:29:45,770 --> 00:29:49,810 S2: next time. And I think more often than not, we 509 00:29:49,810 --> 00:29:55,730 S2: are planting seeds and the seeds are taking root. It just. 510 00:29:55,770 --> 00:29:57,810 S2: We just have to be patient with the outcome. 511 00:29:57,970 --> 00:29:59,930 S4: Yeah. And the time that's there. 512 00:29:59,970 --> 00:30:02,130 S1: Eddie, I wanted you to respond to all that. What 513 00:30:02,130 --> 00:30:02,770 S1: do you think? 514 00:30:04,450 --> 00:30:09,090 S5: Um, yeah. My, uh, thoughts about what? You guys just, uh. 515 00:30:12,250 --> 00:30:18,330 S5: Reacted with, uh, completely aligned. Um, I can say that 516 00:30:18,330 --> 00:30:22,719 S5: it it has been and will still be difficult throughout 517 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,560 S5: the years. And I know this. And you know, I 518 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:29,440 S5: know also that the Lord is the only one that 519 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:33,600 S5: has the power to control the situations that are going on. 520 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:41,440 S5: But I'm trying to keep myself from crying. Um, yeah. 521 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:46,200 S5: It's it's just a difficult story. And, um. 522 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:47,719 S4: Why do you. 523 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,480 S1: Think that is, Eddie? Why do you think the emotion 524 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,520 S1: is there? Because I, I noticed that, uh, when you 525 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:56,560 S1: asked your question or you you mentioned what had happened 526 00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,000 S1: with your stepdaughter. Why is there such emotion there? 527 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,040 S5: Well, because I love her. Like, if she was my own. 528 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,120 S5: I was there when she was born. I. Two hours 529 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:10,760 S5: after she was born, I was holding her in my arms. Wow. 530 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:15,160 S5: So it's like, you know, I don't consider myself a stepfather. 531 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:19,620 S5: I consider myself the father as my father is the 532 00:31:19,620 --> 00:31:28,700 S5: father for me. And just to, um. Show some compassion 533 00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:34,900 S5: and love for something that you have no control over. It's. 534 00:31:34,940 --> 00:31:40,940 S5: It's overwhelming to me. And and it's like. It's like, 535 00:31:40,980 --> 00:31:41,660 S5: I'm sorry. 536 00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:44,460 S2: I was just gonna. I was just going to say Eddie. 537 00:31:44,500 --> 00:31:47,820 S2: Just like the father. You made that distinction a minute ago, 538 00:31:47,820 --> 00:31:53,300 S2: and it's you loving and pursuing her, even though you're 539 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:56,420 S2: unsure of her relationship back towards you, is just like 540 00:31:56,420 --> 00:32:00,420 S2: the Heavenly Father who pursues all of us for a very, 541 00:32:00,420 --> 00:32:03,980 S2: very long time before. And man, my heart goes out 542 00:32:03,980 --> 00:32:07,860 S2: to you. The tears, the emotion you're feeling is obviously 543 00:32:07,900 --> 00:32:11,340 S2: you have a longing for more in that relationship with her. And, 544 00:32:11,820 --> 00:32:14,780 S2: you know, Lord willing, that'll happen at some point in time. 545 00:32:14,780 --> 00:32:18,720 S2: But in the meantime, thank you for being faithful to 546 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:20,880 S2: continue pursuing her and not giving up. 547 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,880 S1: No matter the response, no matter if you see it 548 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,840 S1: or not. The outcome. Eddy. God bless you friend. Thank 549 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,640 S1: you and I'm glad that we got to that. You know, 550 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,440 S1: it's the love is it always comes back to that love, 551 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,320 S1: doesn't it? So on um, on Facebook, I asked, what's 552 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:40,160 S1: your best advice for the blended family hurting, hurtling toward 553 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:46,200 S1: Christmas or hurting, uh, and your friend Laura? Uh delgrosso. Petherbridge. 554 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:47,040 S2: Yes, yes. 555 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:50,560 S1: Here's what she said. It's really good. Plan your calendar 556 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:55,240 S1: early and communicate well with the kids. Do what makes 557 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,920 S1: the holiday easier for the kids, even if it means 558 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,240 S1: celebrating on a different day. Talk about that. 559 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,320 S2: Yeah. First of all, Laura's great. She and I wrote 560 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,200 S2: the smart step mom together, and she has been faithful 561 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,440 S2: to her calling of trying to educate and help step 562 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:14,000 S2: mothers in their in their journey. And so thank you 563 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:19,190 S2: to her for for logging in. So plan and communicate and, um, 564 00:33:19,470 --> 00:33:21,870 S2: do what seems best for the kids. Let's just take 565 00:33:21,870 --> 00:33:24,709 S2: each of those three little principles. First of all, do 566 00:33:24,710 --> 00:33:27,110 S2: what's best for the kids. Like your calendar is going 567 00:33:27,150 --> 00:33:29,350 S2: to be dependent on when people show up and and 568 00:33:29,830 --> 00:33:33,469 S2: what time and etc. and any grandparent listening to me 569 00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:35,750 S2: right now knows exactly what I'm talking about. Doesn't matter 570 00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:39,030 S2: what kind of family structure you have, you understand that 571 00:33:39,030 --> 00:33:41,910 S2: some days, some Christmas morning, the kids are going to 572 00:33:41,910 --> 00:33:44,550 S2: be with you, the grandkids, and other Christmas mornings, they're 573 00:33:44,550 --> 00:33:46,790 S2: going to be at the in-laws of, you know, your 574 00:33:46,790 --> 00:33:49,590 S2: son or daughter in law's house. And so there are 575 00:33:49,590 --> 00:33:52,230 S2: things you can't control. That is absolutely the case with 576 00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:55,830 S2: single parent homes, blended family homes. So make the most 577 00:33:55,830 --> 00:33:58,950 S2: of the time you have. It doesn't matter when you 578 00:33:58,950 --> 00:34:02,190 S2: open Christmas gifts, people who are sort of really rigid 579 00:34:02,190 --> 00:34:04,430 S2: and hold on to their traditions. No, no no no, 580 00:34:04,430 --> 00:34:06,150 S2: we got to do this on Christmas Eve. We got 581 00:34:06,150 --> 00:34:09,070 S2: to do this on Christmas morning. Well, you just can't 582 00:34:09,070 --> 00:34:12,469 S2: do that when children are moving between different homes or 583 00:34:12,469 --> 00:34:16,850 S2: they're moving to in-laws, outlaws, etc. etc. and so make 584 00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:19,569 S2: the time work when you get them. It may be 585 00:34:19,570 --> 00:34:22,610 S2: a week after Christmas or a week before Christmas, but 586 00:34:22,610 --> 00:34:26,969 S2: celebrate it like it's Christmas morning. It's your attitude that 587 00:34:26,969 --> 00:34:30,650 S2: makes the experience good. It's not the day. It's never 588 00:34:30,650 --> 00:34:33,450 S2: about the day. It's about the heart that we bring, 589 00:34:33,450 --> 00:34:37,090 S2: the attitude we bring. And so that's what she's saying 590 00:34:37,090 --> 00:34:39,489 S2: in that, in that piece. And then communicate, well, this 591 00:34:39,489 --> 00:34:42,250 S2: is our travel. This is what we're doing. Um, can 592 00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:44,290 S2: how is this going to work with the other household 593 00:34:44,969 --> 00:34:48,890 S2: and can we coordinate needs for the children, even coordinate 594 00:34:48,890 --> 00:34:51,569 S2: Christmas gifts. You know, for the kids? One idea we 595 00:34:51,610 --> 00:34:53,689 S2: we had come into our ministry, I thought was just 596 00:34:53,690 --> 00:34:57,890 S2: brilliant is let children have a different wish list. Christmas 597 00:34:57,890 --> 00:35:01,250 S2: gift list to dad's house to mom's house, if that's 598 00:35:01,250 --> 00:35:04,529 S2: their living conditions. That way there's no conflict. You don't 599 00:35:04,530 --> 00:35:07,050 S2: have two parents buying the same gift. You don't have 600 00:35:07,050 --> 00:35:09,330 S2: my gifts better than your gift. You know, they have 601 00:35:09,330 --> 00:35:12,450 S2: a different environment. Um, and by the way, I'll just 602 00:35:12,450 --> 00:35:15,560 S2: throw this little funny in their kids who move between 603 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:19,759 S2: two homes love Christmas because they get two sets of presents. Yeah, 604 00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,640 S2: I know of families where they have an hours child. 605 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:26,239 S2: You know who's who's not moving between homes while they 606 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,760 S2: have half brothers and sisters who are. And they feel 607 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,480 S2: like they're getting the short end of the stick because 608 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,040 S2: they only get one set of gifts. 609 00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:36,640 S1: The kids will do. And that's real. That's reality. 610 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:37,920 S2: That's real right there. 611 00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:42,240 S1: I love it. Uh, well, but there's pain there, too. 612 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,400 S1: You know, if you're the the hours kid, there's pain 613 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:49,200 S1: because you compare yourself with others and you don't want that. 614 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,200 S1: But but at the same time, you know I do. Okay. Uh, 615 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:58,360 S1: Linda says this make space and time to allow whatever 616 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:01,560 S1: is good for the kids. Be easy with each other. 617 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:05,960 S1: It sounds like Linda and Laura are both saying flexibility. 618 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,440 S1: Have some flexibility here. Is that right? 619 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:12,220 S2: Yes. Flexibility is so important. We tell people, plan, plan, plan, plan, 620 00:36:12,219 --> 00:36:15,660 S2: plan and be flexible. You know, try to get out 621 00:36:15,660 --> 00:36:19,100 S2: in front. Coordinate with the other home. For example, some 622 00:36:19,380 --> 00:36:23,900 S2: listen this some children in complex step family situations have 623 00:36:24,300 --> 00:36:27,220 S2: three or 4 or 5 sets of grandparents they're trying 624 00:36:27,219 --> 00:36:30,700 S2: to navigate time with over major holidays. Look, you got 625 00:36:30,739 --> 00:36:33,820 S2: to get stuff on the calendar couple months in advance. 626 00:36:33,820 --> 00:36:36,259 S2: You got to start coordinating with the other households because 627 00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:38,180 S2: you just don't know what their travel schedule like and 628 00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:40,419 S2: all that kind of stuff. So you do the best 629 00:36:40,420 --> 00:36:43,700 S2: you can and then you flex. You take it as 630 00:36:43,700 --> 00:36:45,620 S2: it comes. Because if you're going to be a team 631 00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:49,660 S2: player on behalf of the children and have that good attitude, 632 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:53,100 S2: even though you had what you thought was the pristine plan, 633 00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:56,259 S2: it's it's going to get shot by somebody changing it 634 00:36:56,260 --> 00:36:58,299 S2: and you got to go with it. You just got 635 00:36:58,300 --> 00:37:00,140 S2: to go with it and do the best you can. 636 00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:02,900 S1: I want you to talk in our last segment. I 637 00:37:02,900 --> 00:37:05,220 S1: want you to talk to the the marriage, the people 638 00:37:05,219 --> 00:37:08,660 S1: who are the husband and wife who are in a 639 00:37:08,780 --> 00:37:13,050 S1: marriage that's not mindful. And what you've written in that book, 640 00:37:13,090 --> 00:37:17,090 S1: The Mindful Marriage, we talked with you and Nan back 641 00:37:17,090 --> 00:37:21,650 S1: in January and, um, it was a great program conversation. 642 00:37:21,650 --> 00:37:23,810 S1: We've we've aired that again. But I want you to 643 00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:28,770 S1: talk specifically about this season and the struggles to stay 644 00:37:28,770 --> 00:37:32,450 S1: one in, uh, in that marriage. And we'll continue here 645 00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:35,650 S1: with Ron Deal. This is Chris Fabry live online. Chris. 646 00:37:49,410 --> 00:37:51,730 S1: Ron Deal is with us at the radio backyard fence. 647 00:37:51,730 --> 00:37:55,330 S1: This is Chris Fabry live. We had him and Nan 648 00:37:55,330 --> 00:37:58,250 S1: on the program in January, and we talked about the 649 00:37:58,250 --> 00:38:02,450 S1: mindful marriage. And that is a best seller a lot 650 00:38:02,450 --> 00:38:04,810 S1: of people have. And you're going around the country and 651 00:38:04,810 --> 00:38:09,470 S1: you're talking giving seminars on this now. And it's really 652 00:38:09,469 --> 00:38:12,870 S1: kind of taken off. Can you talk about that, that 653 00:38:12,870 --> 00:38:17,270 S1: concept of the mindful marriage at this season and with 654 00:38:17,510 --> 00:38:18,990 S1: in blended families. 655 00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:22,430 S2: Yeah. So Linda's comment that you read before the break, 656 00:38:22,469 --> 00:38:24,870 S2: she one of the things she said was, you know, 657 00:38:25,110 --> 00:38:27,430 S2: do whatever is best for the kids, but then be 658 00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:30,350 S2: easy with each other. Now, I don't know specifically what 659 00:38:30,350 --> 00:38:32,750 S2: she was thinking of, but here's what hit me. Uh, 660 00:38:32,750 --> 00:38:35,310 S2: one of the things that we see happening when there's 661 00:38:35,350 --> 00:38:39,150 S2: all this external stress calendars, the other household kids coming 662 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:41,069 S2: or they're not coming or they're getting gifts over there, 663 00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:42,549 S2: and you're trying to figure out what kind of gifts 664 00:38:42,550 --> 00:38:46,670 S2: to get them over here, is that couples inadvertently turn 665 00:38:46,670 --> 00:38:49,870 S2: on each other and they take it out on each other. 666 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:55,230 S2: It's it's stress. Dysregulates stress triggers us all those feelings 667 00:38:55,230 --> 00:38:59,270 S2: of powerlessness. And, um, man, I don't feel loved and 668 00:38:59,310 --> 00:39:01,109 S2: honored by you because of the way you handled your 669 00:39:01,110 --> 00:39:03,150 S2: kids around this or that or the other thing. And 670 00:39:03,150 --> 00:39:05,669 S2: so all of a sudden, I'm feeling uneasy about our 671 00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:09,090 S2: US ness, you know, that triggers stuff that is deep 672 00:39:09,090 --> 00:39:11,770 S2: in us. And the next thing you know, we're taking 673 00:39:11,770 --> 00:39:15,250 S2: it out on each other. And Linda was absolutely right 674 00:39:15,250 --> 00:39:19,250 S2: to say, take it easy on each other. Be careful. 675 00:39:19,330 --> 00:39:23,650 S2: Mindfulness is simply a practice of being aware of what's 676 00:39:23,650 --> 00:39:27,290 S2: going on with me so that I can bring that, 677 00:39:27,290 --> 00:39:31,370 S2: bring a better me to the next moment. If I'm 678 00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:34,890 S2: not even aware that I'm irritated or that I'm angry, 679 00:39:34,890 --> 00:39:37,650 S2: or why am I angry? Angry is a secondary emotion. 680 00:39:37,650 --> 00:39:41,370 S2: It's not the real reason I'm upset. What's the reason 681 00:39:41,370 --> 00:39:45,290 S2: underneath that? Ah, man, I don't feel loved in this moment. 682 00:39:45,330 --> 00:39:48,810 S2: It seems like you prioritize your your children over me, 683 00:39:48,969 --> 00:39:52,370 S2: or it seems like you're accommodating to your ex instead 684 00:39:52,370 --> 00:39:54,969 S2: of listening to what my need is. And I'm not 685 00:39:54,969 --> 00:39:58,530 S2: so sure I feel safe in this moment. And then 686 00:39:58,530 --> 00:40:01,129 S2: I get angry. Yeah, that's the way this rolls. This 687 00:40:01,130 --> 00:40:05,650 S2: is the mindfulness practice. Why is this important? It's important 688 00:40:05,650 --> 00:40:09,560 S2: because if I'm not aware of what's going on with me, 689 00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:12,080 S2: there is no way I can put on self control 690 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,040 S2: and be a better person. I'm just going to be 691 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:18,040 S2: a victim. And that's the word I want to use here, 692 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:20,600 S2: I want. I'm going to be a victim of my 693 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:24,080 S2: own sense of being unloved. I'm going to get angry 694 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,799 S2: and critical and negative. And that's what you're going to 695 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:29,719 S2: see on the outside. And it's because I don't have 696 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:31,800 S2: a clue what's going on with me on the inside. 697 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:32,600 S1: Right. 698 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:34,920 S2: This is the growing up stuff. 699 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:39,439 S1: Isn't that? Then be easy with each other. But the 700 00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:44,520 S1: corollary of that is be easy on yourself. Because, yeah, 701 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:47,000 S1: there's so many people who beat themselves. Oh, I had 702 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,720 S1: you know, I snapped at my daughter, I was upset 703 00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,399 S1: with my husband over this or whatever. And it's like, 704 00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:56,600 S1: you know what? You're human, you can apologize, you can 705 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,480 S1: move toward them, or you can move away from them. 706 00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:04,680 S1: Have grace for yourself. Receive the forgiveness of God, you know, 707 00:41:04,719 --> 00:41:07,060 S1: in your own life, and that will help you be 708 00:41:07,060 --> 00:41:09,540 S1: easy with each other and your family, won't it? 709 00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:11,780 S2: I love the way my wife puts it, she says, 710 00:41:11,820 --> 00:41:14,940 S2: be kind to yourself in these moments. Be kind to yourself. 711 00:41:14,980 --> 00:41:17,899 S2: We we feel ashamed of how we're reacting and then 712 00:41:17,900 --> 00:41:20,219 S2: beat ourselves up because we feel ashamed. You know, so 713 00:41:20,260 --> 00:41:22,219 S2: which is shame on top of shame. You know, these 714 00:41:22,219 --> 00:41:24,580 S2: are the kind of things we do to ourselves. When 715 00:41:24,580 --> 00:41:27,700 S2: she says, be kind to yourself, that doesn't mean don't 716 00:41:27,739 --> 00:41:32,700 S2: take yourself seriously. Don't take responsibility. She's not saying, excuse yourself. 717 00:41:32,700 --> 00:41:37,299 S2: She's saying, okay, you're human. Just like you said. You're human. 718 00:41:37,300 --> 00:41:41,460 S2: You make mistakes. Now take agency over this part of 719 00:41:41,460 --> 00:41:45,060 S2: you that is making you, you know, be difficult to 720 00:41:45,100 --> 00:41:48,980 S2: be around you. You're feeling unloved. Here's the irony. So 721 00:41:48,980 --> 00:41:52,819 S2: often when we feel unloved, we become unloving. And the 722 00:41:52,820 --> 00:41:55,100 S2: next thing you know, the person around us, whoever that is, 723 00:41:55,100 --> 00:41:58,980 S2: a spouse, a child or whoever is also now feeling unloved. 724 00:41:58,980 --> 00:42:01,339 S2: And guess what? Now we're just all headed in the 725 00:42:01,340 --> 00:42:05,730 S2: wrong direction, right? So when I take agency over that 726 00:42:05,730 --> 00:42:08,250 S2: part of me and say, wait a minute, wait a minute, 727 00:42:08,250 --> 00:42:11,009 S2: I got to do something better with that. What would 728 00:42:11,010 --> 00:42:13,890 S2: Jesus have me to do? Find my identity. I was 729 00:42:13,890 --> 00:42:18,810 S2: just reading John 1516 17 and this morning, and it's 730 00:42:18,810 --> 00:42:21,450 S2: so clear Jesus knows who he is in the father. 731 00:42:21,770 --> 00:42:25,049 S2: And because of that, he is making choices in how 732 00:42:25,050 --> 00:42:27,410 S2: he deals with his disciples and in how he moves 733 00:42:27,690 --> 00:42:31,330 S2: toward the cross because he knows exactly who he is. 734 00:42:31,370 --> 00:42:35,169 S2: It brings the best out of him. That's my job 735 00:42:35,570 --> 00:42:39,850 S2: in relationships, when I'm feeling unloved, to find the best 736 00:42:39,850 --> 00:42:44,810 S2: part of me and bring that out, then the moment changes. 737 00:42:45,010 --> 00:42:46,969 S2: I don't know if it necessarily fixes it. It doesn't 738 00:42:46,969 --> 00:42:49,130 S2: necessarily do that, but at least we now have a 739 00:42:49,130 --> 00:42:52,770 S2: chance in this next moment in this relationship to go 740 00:42:52,770 --> 00:42:55,810 S2: in a better direction rather than a negative one. 741 00:42:55,850 --> 00:42:58,610 S1: Yeah. This is this is deep stuff. This is deep 742 00:42:58,610 --> 00:43:02,550 S1: relational stuff. And you're right. You know, you could start 743 00:43:02,550 --> 00:43:05,629 S1: two months earlier than we've, you know, here we are 744 00:43:05,630 --> 00:43:09,310 S1: a couple of weeks from Christmas. Uh, Molly said on Facebook, 745 00:43:09,350 --> 00:43:13,109 S1: try to have zero expectations. Good luck with that. Good 746 00:43:13,110 --> 00:43:15,469 S1: luck with that. With zero. But I know exactly what 747 00:43:15,469 --> 00:43:18,390 S1: she's saying. She says communicate your hopes with your spouse 748 00:43:18,390 --> 00:43:20,670 S1: so that you can be on the same team. Pray 749 00:43:20,670 --> 00:43:23,550 S1: for the fruit of the spirit. Focus on the positives 750 00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:27,870 S1: so that team work. I love that. Uh, and then 751 00:43:27,910 --> 00:43:30,670 S1: Randall says, Randall, Debbie, don't look at the date on 752 00:43:30,670 --> 00:43:33,230 S1: the calendars. You have to share the time. Don't be 753 00:43:33,350 --> 00:43:36,150 S1: the one to pull the children into a hurried schedule. 754 00:43:36,190 --> 00:43:40,149 S1: Be patient and pray. And that's what Barbara said. She 755 00:43:40,150 --> 00:43:45,670 S1: said it three times. Pray, pray, pray, then compromise. Blend traditions. 756 00:43:45,670 --> 00:43:49,350 S1: Talk about traditions and that struggle before we end. 757 00:43:49,550 --> 00:43:52,510 S2: Yeah. So I think that's really good. I often tell 758 00:43:52,550 --> 00:43:55,270 S2: blended families do a little bit like we do with weddings. 759 00:43:55,270 --> 00:43:57,870 S2: When it comes to traditions in your household, you know, 760 00:43:57,910 --> 00:44:00,790 S2: what do they say at weddings? Something borrowed, something new, 761 00:44:00,980 --> 00:44:03,500 S2: Something old, something blue. I don't remember how that goes, 762 00:44:03,540 --> 00:44:07,460 S2: but yes, try to bring forward any traditions that you 763 00:44:07,460 --> 00:44:09,859 S2: have had with your children through the single parent years, 764 00:44:09,860 --> 00:44:14,060 S2: for example. Um, bring those forward. Offer them to other 765 00:44:14,060 --> 00:44:17,259 S2: people that are new in your family, but don't assume 766 00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:19,180 S2: that your traditions are going to work for them like 767 00:44:19,180 --> 00:44:22,180 S2: they've worked for you. Likewise, they're going to bring something. 768 00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:27,100 S2: And so you're trying to carry forward some of the 769 00:44:27,100 --> 00:44:30,500 S2: history that everybody brings to this family. And at the 770 00:44:30,500 --> 00:44:33,580 S2: same time, you're trying to create new history together. That's 771 00:44:33,580 --> 00:44:37,540 S2: new traditions. And here's what we know. People will stumble away. 772 00:44:37,580 --> 00:44:40,219 S2: There's no magic recipe for how to get to these 773 00:44:40,219 --> 00:44:42,819 S2: new traditions. You often have to live and learn. Give 774 00:44:42,820 --> 00:44:45,540 S2: it a try. That didn't work. Find something that does work. 775 00:44:45,580 --> 00:44:48,379 S2: It may take you a few years to figure out, 776 00:44:48,380 --> 00:44:50,779 S2: oh yeah, we do this. We do. Don't do that. 777 00:44:50,780 --> 00:44:53,660 S2: We eat this food. We don't eat those food. And 778 00:44:53,660 --> 00:44:57,380 S2: that's how you that's how you build something that's authentic 779 00:44:57,380 --> 00:45:00,759 S2: and genuine and that everybody buys into it, so it 780 00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:04,880 S2: takes time. Be gentle. Hey, be kind to yourself while 781 00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:07,840 S2: you're in that journey of figuring that out, and you'll 782 00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:09,000 S2: get there. Trust God. 783 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:12,879 S1: Pray I love I love what Nan brings to that 784 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:15,440 S1: whole thing because the mindful marriage, by the way, we 785 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:18,319 S1: have it linked at Kris Fabriclive. Org if you have 786 00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:22,319 S1: not read that or been exposed to that concept, we 787 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:24,279 S1: have a link right there as well as the book 788 00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:27,000 S1: that you did with Doctor Chapman, Building Love Together in 789 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:32,840 S1: Blended Families, The Five Love Languages and becoming stepfamily smart, knowing, 790 00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:39,240 S1: you know, physical touch or words of affirmation or quality time. 791 00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:42,880 S1: Knowing that can help you love that member of the 792 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:48,000 S1: family well and move toward them instead of away from them, 793 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:50,120 S1: and might be a real help for you. We have 794 00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:55,440 S1: those linked as well as other resources at Kris Fabriclive Ron, 795 00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:58,830 S1: thanks for being available. Thanks for coming alongside us today, 796 00:45:58,870 --> 00:46:01,950 S1: I think. I think you brought some encouragement and help. 797 00:46:02,510 --> 00:46:04,029 S2: Thank you brother. It's always good to be with you. 798 00:46:04,070 --> 00:46:05,190 S2: Merry Christmas to you. 799 00:46:05,830 --> 00:46:08,030 S1: That's Ron Deal. And you can find out more about 800 00:46:08,030 --> 00:46:12,070 S1: him his ministry. And I mentioned those books, The Mindful 801 00:46:12,070 --> 00:46:15,830 S1: Marriage and Building Love Together and Blended Families. Just go 802 00:46:15,830 --> 00:46:19,990 S1: to Chris Fabry lives and click through today's information Chris 803 00:46:20,030 --> 00:46:25,310 S1: Fabry live. Do you know anybody in your sphere of influence, 804 00:46:25,310 --> 00:46:29,830 S1: anybody in your family, anybody in your church whose children 805 00:46:29,870 --> 00:46:33,589 S1: have distanced themselves? And don't call us, don't make any 806 00:46:33,590 --> 00:46:37,310 S1: contact with us. I've story for you tomorrow at the 807 00:46:37,310 --> 00:46:40,790 S1: back fence that I'd love for that person to hear 808 00:46:41,070 --> 00:46:43,350 S1: and will do it right here on Chris Fabry Live, 809 00:46:43,390 --> 00:46:47,790 S1: a production of Moody Radio, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. 810 00:46:47,790 --> 00:46:48,989 S1: Thanks a lot for listening.