S1: I'm trapped. I don't know what to do.
S2: You know, I'm kind of having a little bit of
S2: difficulty right now.
S3: Trying to understand what my spouse's love language is. I
S3: was just sitting here having time with the Lord, and
S3: I was thinking, hey, I wonder what his love language is.
S4: It's a conversation of the heart. Today, on building relationships
S4: with Doctor Gary Chapman, we take your questions and concerns
S4: about your relationships, whether single, married, divorced, or widowed. You'll
S4: benefit from the wisdom of our host, who is the
S4: author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.
S4: And if you're interested in asking a question of Doctor Chapman,
S4: call us at 1866424. Gary, keep your question as brief
S4: as you can. That's 1866424. Gary. And we have some
S4: great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary.
S5: And we have a great featured resource for you. It's
S5: the new and updated edition of the book that Gary
S5: wrote with Doctor Paul White titled The Five Languages of
S5: Appreciation in the workplace. The subtitle is Empowering Organizations by
S5: encouraging people. You can find that in more simple ways
S5: to strengthen your relationships at building relationships. Does Gary, let
S5: me talk about the, uh, the workplace as we begin?
S5: We don't get a lot of calls and questions about
S5: things happening on the job. And my guess is that
S5: that might partly be because people don't want to ask
S5: a question on the radio about their boss or their coworker,
S5: and I get that. But what are some of the
S5: struggles that you and Doctor White address in that book
S5: as far as resolving conflicts and communication in the workplace?
S6: Well, Chris, of course, the whole book, the theme is
S6: learning how to express appreciation to people. And if people
S6: feel appreciated, it's easier to handle conflicts. But we do
S6: deal with that whole issue of if you've been hurt
S6: in the workplace by a fellow employee, if they don't
S6: come and apologize to you, you kindly go to them
S6: and say things like, you know, if I had something
S6: that was bothering me, would this be a good time
S6: to share it with you?
S5: MM.
S6: They're probably going to say yes because they're dying to
S6: know what is this? And then you. And then you
S6: can just share. You know what I really felt put
S6: down or I felt ignored or I felt, you know,
S6: tell them whatever you felt whenever you and you describe,
S6: you know, what they did or what they said. And
S6: I just, you know, I value our relationship. And I just,
S6: I just want to kind of clear the air. Maybe
S6: I misunderstood what you said. Uh, you know, you're not
S6: going in a harsh way. You're going in a kind way,
S6: but you are, you know, bringing it to their attention.
S6: And then you listen because maybe you did misunderstand. Maybe
S6: you took it the wrong way. And so it's resolved.
S6: And that's what we want to do. We don't want to.
S6: Something happens to you. You feel hurt and you feel
S6: angry or whatever other emotions you might feel, and then
S6: you just live with that, you know, in your mind
S6: toward that person and just try to stay away from them.
S6: I mean, that's not the way to live life, especially
S6: if it's somebody you're going to be seeing every day,
S6: you know, in your workplace. So I think we ought
S6: to really try to deal with conflicts or hurts that
S6: happen in the workplace, just as we do in other relationships.
S6: Because let's face it, if you're working with somebody on
S6: a regular basis, you know, every day, all year long,
S6: you know, ten years or longer, uh, we, it's going
S6: to be a whole lot better if you keep the
S6: relationships in a positive and healthy way.
S5: Yeah. I read the dedication to that again today before
S5: the program and you and Paul White dedicate this to
S5: your parents, who you say didn't get as much appreciation
S5: as they deserved. And it strikes me that that other generation,
S5: the generation before ours, um, kind of worked that way.
S5: It's like, well, you don't, you don't really get that much.
S5: You just keep on going. It doesn't matter whether your
S5: boss says something good to you or not. You just
S5: keep on doing what you're doing because at least you
S5: have a job, right?
S6: Yeah. And, and that was the main thing, at least
S6: for my parents, it was you got to have a
S6: job to live, you know? And so you don't you
S6: don't want to trouble the waters, especially if it's a superior, uh,
S6: you don't want them to feel like you're unhappy or,
S6: you know, you don't like what they're doing and that
S6: sort of thing. And that was kind of the, the
S6: atmosphere in those days. Uh, but I do think it's
S6: different today. I think more and more people, they want
S6: not only to work, they certainly want a job because
S6: they do need an income, but they'd like for it
S6: to be a healthy relationships with the people with whom
S6: they work. And that's why we wrote that book, you know,
S6: is to really try to emphasize that. And a part
S6: of healthy relationships is learning how to express appreciation to
S6: the people that work with you or the people that
S6: work under your supervision.
S5: Right?
S6: And we were originally we thought we'd write that book
S6: just to managers, you know, or leaders, but we thought, no, no,
S6: this can start with any small group within a large
S6: company that work together on a regular basis. And if
S6: all of them would, could read the book or get
S6: the concept and take the quiz called Motivating by Appreciation inventory,
S6: learn each other's primary appreciation language and secondary man, and
S6: they start learning how to appreciate each other. It can
S6: spread from one small group throughout the whole company because
S6: others are going to hear about it.
S5: Well, that's what an employer wants. You know, you want
S5: this cohesion. You want to be a part of a
S5: team rather than all these little silos. And this is
S5: a great kind of wake up call if you haven't
S5: read it. The five Languages of appreciation in the workplace.
S5: We have a link for you at building relationships.gov. All right, Gary,
S5: we have calls. We have written questions. I want to
S5: start with one of those. A listener named drew says this.
S5: I need some help. Much discussion is offered on how
S5: to give love across a diversity of love languages, but
S5: I don't know that I've ever heard much on how
S5: to receive love well in multiple languages. The risk of
S5: getting it wrong could lead to bitterness, critical attitudes, despair,
S5: and doubt, in my opinion. But I'd love to hear
S5: a more seasoned response and instruction on that. Thanks for
S5: your program. So how do you receive love? Well, in
S5: multiple languages?
S6: Well, Chris, I think this is why it's important to
S6: understand the concept of the five love languages, that there
S6: are five fundamental ways to express love to another individual.
S6: Each of us has a primary love language. And so,
S6: you know, the emphasis is let's learn the primary love
S6: language of the other person, whether it's your spouse or
S6: your child or any other close relationship. But we also
S6: receive love if we understand that there are five different
S6: ways to express love. It should help us if someone
S6: is communicating love to us in a language that's not
S6: our primary love language, because we can say in our
S6: hearts and in our minds, oh, they're speaking, you know,
S6: one of the love languages. That is a proper way
S6: to speak love language. It's not my primary language, but
S6: I'm going to give them credit for it because they
S6: are speaking acts of service or they are, you know,
S6: speaking one of the other languages. I think that's that's
S6: the idea here in terms of receiving love in different languages.
S6: But again, I come back to the fundamental issue that
S6: if you are not receiving love in your primary love language,
S6: you're not going to feel loved. It's not going to
S6: feel your love tank. And the same thing is true
S6: with your partner. And so you focus on giving heavy
S6: doses of their primary love language. Hopefully they do the
S6: same for you. Then the other four can still be
S6: sprinkled in for extra credit because all of them are fine.
S6: We're not going to we're not opposed to any one
S6: of them. Uh, but I think understanding the concept that
S6: there are different languages and a person who's never read
S6: the book may be expressing love to you in the
S6: best way they know how. And now, if you understand
S6: and can say, oh, yeah, that's the language they're speaking,
S6: you can give them credit for it emotionally in your
S6: own mind and heart because, you know, okay, they don't
S6: understand the concept, but they are indeed speaking a love
S6: language and I'm going to give them credit for it.
S5: Again. 1-866-424-4279. We would love to hear from you today.
S5: Our featured resource at Building relationships.us is the book by
S5: Doctor Chapman and Doctor Paul White. The Five Languages of
S5: Appreciation in the workplace. Empowering organizations by encouraging people. It's
S5: completely updated and revised and you can find a link
S5: at the website. Building relationships. Just go to building relationships.us.
S5: All right, let's go to your calls. The first one
S5: is a little vague, Gary, about her specific problem. So
S5: I'm not sure how much help that you can give her,
S5: but you can hear the pain in her voice about
S5: her marriage. Here's our first caller.
S1: Hi, Gary. I like your program and I'm going to
S1: travel in my marriage. I'm starved. I'm trapped. I don't
S1: know what to do. Thank you.
S6: Well, you know, Chris, there are a number of individuals
S6: who are married who feel that they are trapped. And
S6: there are different reasons for that. Totally different reasons for that.
S6: Sometimes they're married to someone who is strung out on
S6: alcohol or drugs, and you know, they're just not dependable
S6: at all. Because of that, there are scores of reasons
S6: why people feel trapped in a marriage. But I think
S6: when you do feel trapped, what you want to do
S6: is reach out for help. Don't. Don't just carry the
S6: burden by yourself. Whatever it is, reach out to a friend.
S6: Reach out to a pastor. Reach out to a counselor
S6: and share your struggle. Share with them why you feel
S6: trapped and let them help you. Because it's not new
S6: and you're not the only one who is in that
S6: situation or similar situations. So I think that would be
S6: just based on what she said. That would be my
S6: advice to reach out for help. There's always help. That's
S6: what counseling is all about. And that's what friendship's all about.
S6: It's listening to those who are in a situation where
S6: they just feel terrible about it. They don't know what
S6: to do with it. And that other person hears you out,
S6: is empathetic with you. And if they don't have any suggestions,
S6: they probably know someone who would be able to help you.
S6: So I think that's the advice. Don't just sit there
S6: and live under the burden. Reach out and try to
S6: find help.
S5: What if trapped means there's abuse in the relationship?
S6: I think if there's physical abuse or just continually verbal abuse,
S6: there is a place, no question about it in my
S6: mind to say to them, I don't know how you
S6: feel about us, but I love you too much to
S6: sit here and do nothing. I, I don't think you
S6: could be happy with the way you're treating me. Maybe
S6: I'm wrong. Maybe you are happy about it. But I
S6: don't think you want to be that way. And so
S6: I'm going to go for counseling. I would love for
S6: you to go with me. But even if you don't,
S6: I'm going to go for counseling. That lets them know
S6: that you are about to change the paradigm. You're not
S6: just going to sit there and keep on going through
S6: what you're going through. And, uh, I think if they
S6: go for counseling with you, then guess there's hope that
S6: there's going to be some changes made and the person
S6: come to understand what's going on. If they don't go
S6: with you, you go for counseling yourself. Because if you're
S6: going to then apply tough love, you need to be
S6: doing it with the help of a counselor. And by
S6: tough love, I mean there is a place to say,
S6: you know, I love you too much to do nothing.
S6: So I'm going to move in with my mother or
S6: my sister or whatever your plan is. I'm not abandoning you.
S6: I am willing. Anytime you want to go for counseling,
S6: I will go with you. But I'm not going to
S6: sit here and let you continue to try to put
S6: me down. Destroy me. Down. Hit me. And whatever it
S6: is they're doing to you. I love you too much
S6: to just accept that. And so you take that move.
S6: But I think first of all, before you do that,
S6: you want to see if they will go for counseling
S6: with you. That would be the better step. But there's
S6: a place for tough love. If they don't respond at all.
S5: If you have a question, maybe it's a marriage struggle
S5: or you have a dating question. Call and leave a
S5: message for Doctor Chatman. I would love to hear his
S5: answer to your concern or struggle. Or maybe there's something
S5: that's positive going on in your relationships and you want
S5: to talk about that. Call 866424. Gary 44279. Here's our
S5: next caller who also has a marriage struggle.
S2: Hey, Gary, first time caller. I've been married for two years,
S2: and I'm kind of having a little bit of difficulty
S2: right now. Our relationship moved on towards the world instead
S2: of Jesus. And then right about when, you know, there
S2: was a good turnaround. Things got separated. Now, I know
S2: I've heard you guys talk about biblical outs before, so
S2: I'm just kind of curious as to how far those
S2: biblical go, you know, abandonment, sexual immorality, you know? I mean,
S2: I'm a stone, but it doesn't mean that I'm not
S2: in pain and I'm praying a lot. So I guess
S2: what I'm asking is, uh, how far should I be
S2: a stone? Should I wait it all the way out
S2: or should I, you know, move on. Thank you for listening.
S6: Well, Chris, uh, you have to feel for this young man.
S6: Two years married, and I don't know what's going on.
S6: Of course, what his spouse is doing or what he's doing,
S6: for that matter. I tell you this, many of us
S6: who've been married now for many, many years look back
S6: when we were married two years and had the same
S6: kind of feelings he has, that we're married the wrong person.
S6: It's not working out. And so, you know, I can
S6: tell you, many of our listeners are empathetic with what
S6: he's saying. The answer does not come just with sitting
S6: there and just letting it happen, whatever it is that's
S6: going on. The answer comes in reaching out for help.
S6: So what I would encourage him to do is to
S6: say to his wife, honey, you know, we were in
S6: love a few years ago. And I loved you and
S6: you loved me. And. But you know how things are today,
S6: and I feel like I have got to have help.
S6: And I would like for you to go with me,
S6: but I am going to see a counselor because I.
S6: I don't think either one of us want to put
S6: up with our relationship like it is now, and I'm not.
S6: I don't want to abandon you. I still love you,
S6: but obviously we need some help and you reach out
S6: for help. Step. Maybe before that would be to read
S6: a book, such as the book I wrote called One
S6: More Try What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart,
S6: or another book I wrote called Loving Your Spouse When
S6: You Feel Like Walking Away. Either one of those books
S6: would be a help to you, but ultimately, I think
S6: you're going to have to have outside help in terms
S6: of a counselor. And then does it mean that she
S6: will go with you for counseling? It doesn't mean that
S6: even if she does that, you can find a resolve.
S6: Because you can't make a healthy marriage by yourself. But
S6: I can tell you that loving her in the right
S6: love language is the most powerful influence you can have
S6: on her. You can't make her change, but you can
S6: have a positive influence. But it doesn't come by criticizing her,
S6: by putting her down in that sort of thing. It
S6: comes by loving her the way God loves us. He
S6: loved us when we were still sinners and sent Christ
S6: to die for us. So keeping a loving attitude and
S6: if you know where love language, speaking her love language,
S6: then your efforts to reach out for counseling and sharing
S6: that concept with her, she's far more likely to be
S6: responsive when she sees you treating her in a way
S6: that she knows she doesn't deserve. And that is a
S6: loving way.
S5: So it it it is normal after a passage of time,
S5: you know, two years, three years, five years, whatever. Or
S5: when children come into the marriage and you begin that family,
S5: it's normal, quote unquote, to have that change stir things
S5: up in this way. But he said something at the
S5: beginning about moving toward the world, and I don't know
S5: how to interpret that. The way that I do is
S5: her values have changed in her life. She's making decisions
S5: that he doesn't agree with. She's going maybe a little
S5: bit different direction with with her morality or whatever that means. Um,
S5: and so how do you deal, how would you counsel
S5: him on that?
S6: Yeah, I think you're probably right, Chris, about that because
S6: I do remember now that's what he said. And I
S6: think again, uh, you have to start where you are.
S6: And I think a discussion with her in terms of, honey,
S6: where are you And where do you where where are
S6: you going? You know, I mean, and whatever the issue is,
S6: because this is not the person that I married. You know,
S6: this this is not the way you were before we
S6: got married. And, uh, so if she's moving in that direction,
S6: you're just trying to have a discussion about it and
S6: letting her talk about it, you know? And again, if
S6: a person chooses to walk away from God and to
S6: have a lifestyle that is anti-biblical and anti-God, we can't
S6: make them follow God, and God will not make them.
S6: I mean, God gives us freedom if we if we
S6: choose to walk away from God, we can. And so. But.
S6: But you want to do everything you can to let
S6: her know that that you want her and you want
S6: to have a life with her, uh, rather than, you know,
S6: just negative because negative words and criticism and preaching to her,
S6: you know, those kind of things, that's not going to
S6: lead in a positive direction. But if she sees that
S6: you you do want to have a relationship and you
S6: are asking her questions about that and to say if
S6: it's a spiritual thing to ask, you know, would you
S6: be willing to talk with a pastor or would you
S6: be willing to talk with a Christian counselor? And, uh,
S6: if she's unwilling, then, you know, you can't, you can't
S6: keep her from moving in that direction. And, but if
S6: she follows that direction and she gets involved with someone
S6: else and all that sort of thing, she will be
S6: the one that'll take the initiative to divorce. You won't
S6: have to do that. She will do that because, uh, she,
S6: she does not want to be in a relationship with
S6: someone that, uh, you know, all she gets is criticism.
S5: And I would add, if you ask her those questions,
S5: you have to listen. And it may be hard. And
S5: maybe that's one of the reasons why he's holding back.
S5: He doesn't want to hear what is really going on
S5: because that scares him. There's some fear there. So if
S5: you broach this conversation with her and you go deeper
S5: with her, you got to be willing to listen to
S5: what is really on her heart. And if she shares
S5: with you, you know, some of those tough things that
S5: might be the the logjam, you know, the that breaks
S5: the dam that moves you closer together. Uh, thank you
S5: for that. There's somebody else who needed to hear that
S5: question today. And if you have a question for Doctor Chapman,
S5: here's the number again, 866424. Gary 866424. Gary. Okay, here's
S5: another question we received in written form. Dear Doctor Chapman,
S5: thank you for your book. I'm not married yet and
S5: not currently in a relationship, but I have a question.
S5: From what you explain, it seems that when a man
S5: and a woman learn each other's love language and intentionally
S5: fill one another's love tank, they can sustain a healthy relationship.
S5: Does this mean that when choosing a spouse, we should
S5: be drawn to people who naturally use our love language
S5: the most. For example, if I were to marry someone
S5: I don't initially love or even know well, and we
S5: learn each other's love languages and act accordingly, would we
S5: begin to love each other as our love tanks are filled?
S5: To me, this feels like it reduces relationships to a
S5: very simple mechanism. When a man's love tank is full,
S5: he approaches his wife sexually, and when a woman's love
S5: tank is full, she becomes emotionally ready for intimacy. Is
S5: that essentially the idea? I want to emphasize I'm not
S5: judging your work at all. I truly want to understand
S5: it more deeply. Thank you for your time. Kind regards.
S5: A male listener.
S6: Well, I appreciate that question, Chris. I don't we don't
S6: often get a question like that from a single person, though.
S6: I have had many people through the years say what
S6: he indicated there at the first part of his call.
S6: And that is, is it ideal to look for somebody
S6: that has the same love language as you have, and
S6: you would think that would be easier and better. It
S6: probably would be. But no, I don't think that's the issue.
S6: I don't think you ought to get married just because
S6: you have the same, same love language. I wrote a
S6: book some time ago called things I Wish I'd Known
S6: Before We Got Married. 12 things I know now. I
S6: wish I had known before I got married, and I.
S6: When I speak on college campuses, I say to them, listen,
S6: the time to prepare for marriage is not after you
S6: get engaged, it's now. I said, read this book. Now
S6: you may not even be dating, but these are the
S6: kind of issues you need to be discussing in a
S6: dating context before you ever come to get married. And
S6: it's not that they have to be have the same
S6: love language. That's not a criteria. We fall in love
S6: and that falling in love experience begins with a feeling
S6: you don't make it happen. And typically, people don't marry
S6: someone that they have not fallen in love with. They
S6: have all these positive feelings for each other. That's what
S6: draws us together. And the old saying, opposites attract is
S6: often true, that we're opposite in many different ways. And
S6: that's a part of our attraction. So nothing wrong with
S6: marrying someone that you don't have the same love language.
S6: Because the kind of love that's going to carry you
S6: through doesn't start with a feeling. It starts with an attitude.
S6: I'm in this relationship to enrich your life. That's the
S6: attitude of love. It's not, I'm in this relationship for
S6: you to make me happy. That's selfishness. But you, you, you.
S6: I'm in this relationship and I'm choosing to marry you
S6: because I want to enrich your life. Speaking their love
S6: language is just one way that you can enrich their life.
S6: There are many, many other ways. Of course, we have
S6: to have an attitude of love. However, if we're going
S6: to have a good marriage, two people who have an
S6: attitude of love will work through all the differences they
S6: may have in personality and everything else, and we all
S6: have to work through some things. But the reality is
S6: we choose our attitude. We don't choose our emotions, but
S6: we choose our attitude.
S5: So when he says the love language concept reduces relationships
S5: to mechanism. Uh, you know, when a man's love tank
S5: is full and he puts it in the sexual contact, uh,
S5: context here. Um, that's where it almost sounds like this
S5: feels like manipulation to me. Talk about that.
S6: Yeah, I don't think speaking of person's love language is
S6: trying to manipulate them. Unless that's your attitude. I will
S6: speak their love language so they will speak my love language.
S6: That is natural. But we are all self centered. You see,
S6: that is manipulation. I'll speak your love language. You're not
S6: saying it, but I'll speak your love language. So you'll
S6: speak my love language. It's selfishness. That's not love. That's
S6: not the attitude of love. The attitude of love is
S6: we are to love each other the way God loved us.
S6: We didn't start a relationship with God. He started it.
S6: He loved us, sent Christ to die for us. We
S6: just reciprocate. But so. But if we're loving them so
S6: they can love us. It's manipulation. And that's why many
S6: people stop speaking the other person's love language after three weeks.
S6: They'll say, I tried this for three weeks. It didn't
S6: work with me. They didn't reciprocate. So, but if you
S6: are committed to their well-being and you know their love language,
S6: you're speaking on a regular basis. Love stimulates love. Yes,
S6: there is a good chance that they will speak your
S6: love language because love stimulates love. But I can't guarantee that.
S6: And we can't make them do that. Sometimes they don't
S6: even know what your primary love language is. But so,
S6: you know, I just think we have to come back
S6: to the reality if we're going to have love long term.
S6: If our emotions. Let me put it this way. If
S6: our emotional need for love is going to be met
S6: in a marriage relationship, it's going to be because we
S6: chose an attitude of love. Many times after the emotions
S6: of the In-love experience have evaporated and we don't have
S6: positive feelings toward them, but we choose to enrich their lives.
S6: And one of those ways is by speaking their love language.
S6: And you just see what happens. But I'm telling you,
S6: love stimulates love.
S4: This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S4: He's the New York Times best selling author of the
S4: five Love Languages. If you enjoy our program, visit our website.
S4: Building relationships there, you'll find simple ways to strengthen your relationships.
S4: Our featured resource is the book by Doctor Chapman and
S4: Doctor Paul White. The five languages of appreciation in the workplace.
S4: We have a link for you at building relationships. Or
S4: just go to five love languages.com.
S5: This is our Dear Gary broadcast for March and we
S5: would love to hear from you if you have a
S5: question or maybe a follow up to something you hear today.
S5: Here's the number 866424. Gary, just leave a message and
S5: we may use your question here on the program on
S5: a future broadcast 1-866-424-4279. And by the way, turn down
S5: your radio in the background there. Sometimes we get questions,
S5: but we hear ourselves more than we hear your questions.
S5: So do that. Make sure it's a little quieter when
S5: you call 866424. Gary. Gary. I want to do something
S5: that we've never done before and that is go to
S5: some questions from an entirely different program. Back in February,
S5: I had Doctors Less and Leslie Parrott on Chris Fabry Live,
S5: and we talked about the book that you co-wrote with them,
S5: The Love Language That Matters Most. And I opened the
S5: phone lines and I said, if you have a love
S5: language problem, you call me. And so these are the
S5: questions or some of them that got through to the parrots.
S5: And I want to see what you have to say.
S5: First of all, to Dianne, who called from Nashville with
S5: the most foundational question we could ask for. Here she is.
S7: Hi. I just had a question of trying to understand
S7: what my spouse's love language is. I think when you're
S7: first in a relationship, it's easier to do it, but
S7: longer term, it's more it seems like it's more difficult
S7: to figure out what the person's love language is. Can
S7: you help me with that?
S6: Well, I think their informal ways of discovering a person's
S6: love language, one is how do they most often express
S6: love to you or to the children or, you know,
S6: other other people that are close to them because we
S6: tend to speak our own love language. That would be
S6: the first question. The second question to ask, I think,
S6: is what do they complain about most often? The complaint
S6: often reveals the love language. If they say, for example,
S6: you know, I just feel like we don't spend any
S6: time together anymore. They're telling you quality time is their
S6: primary love language. Or if it's a particular holiday and
S6: they say, you didn't get me anything. They're telling you
S6: gifts is their love language and it's a holiday. And
S6: you didn't even give them a gift. So you listen
S6: to their complaints and then also listen to what they
S6: request of you most often. If they're saying, for example, periodically, honey,
S6: can we take a walk together this afternoon or this evening,
S6: they're asking you for quality time, just the two of
S6: us walking together and talking. Or if they say to you,
S6: how do you think this looks, uh, talking about their clothing? Uh,
S6: they're asking you to to give them words or words
S6: of affirmation. Or if they say to you, well, here's
S6: another complaint. I can't ever please you. Doesn't matter what
S6: I do. I can't please you. They're telling you words
S6: of affirmation is their language, but all they ever hear
S6: from you are critical words. If you put those three
S6: things together, you can pretty much figure out your spouse's
S6: love language. Now, if they haven't taken the online quiz
S6: and are willing to do it, I would certainly encourage that.
S6: And of course, the, the, the premium quiz now where
S6: they learn not only their primary love language and what
S6: percentage the others are, but they get the dialects of
S6: those languages. You know, that could be really, really helpful.
S5: Gary, refresh my memory then how do you get that
S5: premium assessment? Where do you go?
S6: I go to the website five love languages.com. The number
S6: five five love Of languages.com and click on Premium Assessment
S6: or click on I don't know if it says quizzes
S6: or assessment and you'll find it easily.
S5: Okay. Five love languages.com. Okay, so that was Diane's question.
S5: Here's the next caller who called in again. This was
S5: at the end of February. Now Gary is answering these
S5: same questions that the parents answered. This is Janine.
S3: Hi. I found your programming and I love it. I'm
S3: really going through a difficult time right now. And I
S3: was just sitting here thinking I was having time with
S3: the Lord, and I was thinking, hey, I wonder what
S3: his love language is because I know I want to
S3: know how to love him more. And even when we've
S3: gone through grief and a lot of things we might
S3: not always still love, we know he loves us, but
S3: we don't always still love. Um. I don't even know
S3: what my love language is or whatever, but I was
S3: just thinking, uh, you know, wonder what God's is. the
S3: language of the heart, I guess I'm sure, because he
S3: knows all about us.
S6: Well, on that last part, I would say I wrote
S6: a book on that. God speaks your love language. And
S6: the fact is, God speaks all five love languages fluently,
S6: and I use biblical illustrations. I use church history illustrations.
S6: I use contemporary illustrations that people are drawn to God
S6: when they sense his love in their love language. It's
S6: amazing the parallel you see between that. So God, I'm
S6: not saying God has a primary love language. God is love.
S6: All five of these are in the character of God,
S6: and he expresses love in all five ways. But she
S6: said she didn't even know her own love language, which
S6: makes me wonder if she's really read the original book
S6: of the five Love Languages, because in there, I think
S6: she probably would discover her love language. Uh, but again, uh,
S6: if you haven't discovered your love language in some other way.
S6: You can certainly go online and take the premium quiz,
S6: which gives you your primary love language and the dialects
S6: of that language that are most important. So I would,
S6: I would encourage that.
S5: I said on the program exactly what you said. Gary
S5: wrote the book on On God and Love language. And
S5: then I, I picked up something I said, you. She
S5: gave us a clue. Janine gave us a clue because
S5: she started. Her question was with, I was just sitting
S5: here spending time or having time with the Lord. And
S5: it's like, there it is. For her, quality time might
S5: be her love language. If if she's doing that, you know,
S5: spending that time with God and thinking these deep thoughts
S5: about God, what do you think?
S6: I would agree, Chris. I think spending quality time with
S6: God is some people's primary love language, and if so,
S6: they easily do that. Other people. It's a strain for
S6: them to sit down every day and it doesn't come
S6: natural for them. We all need it, but for some
S6: people that's easy. That's kind of the highlight of their
S6: day because quality time is their language.
S5: The love language that matters most was the topic we
S5: talked about with the parrots, and Cathy called on that program.
S5: Here's her question.
S8: I know that, um, my husband's primary love language is
S8: active services. Then the main one that he wants is
S8: for me to be able to keep the kitchen clean.
S8: And I'm having trouble meeting that love language. I mean,
S8: I physically have problems and he knows that I don't
S8: do it on purpose because I have really bad attention deficit.
S8: I go into another room and I start another project
S8: because there's so many things to do and I could
S8: be leaving everything out. And the thing is, is that,
S8: you know, he understands, but it doesn't make me be
S8: able to do what he wants me to do.
S5: So you've gone the first step, though. You know what
S5: it is. That will show love to him. So you've
S5: got that. You know, like you've gotten over that hurdle. Yes.
S6: Well, Chris, I would say it's good that she has
S6: identified her husband's primary love language. That's the first step.
S6: Acts of service. And the one thing that's really meaningful
S6: to him, she made that clear is having a clean kitchen,
S6: everything in its place. She mentions her attention deficit disorder
S6: and that that consequently plays into this. Even though she
S6: wants to do that, she her mind jumps to something
S6: else and she runs to that, and then she runs
S6: to something else. And and I can understand that. And
S6: I don't have the full answer to that. But I
S6: do think if she concentrates on the fact that this
S6: is really what is going to speak love to him
S6: and maybe make herself some notes as to what specific
S6: things need to be done and letting that be a priority.
S6: Because you know, something else runs through your mind and
S6: go to the next room and do this. But if
S6: you know that this is a priority and you make
S6: it a priority, even with some difficulty, I think you
S6: can learn to do the thing that really is meaningful
S6: to him. So that would be my thoughts. But I
S6: don't have attention deficit disorder, so I can't identify totally
S6: with that. Okay.
S5: I identify with it because I'll be, you know, working
S5: on something and then, oh, I got to do this
S5: and then, oh, the trash needs to be taken out.
S5: And you know, a half hour later, I'm somewhere else.
S5: So I get what Kathy's talking about. But I have
S5: heard you say, and this works for long distance relationships
S5: or someone who has a physical difficulty and they are
S5: are bedbound. You know, they can't do it to do
S5: anything for the other person or, you know, they can
S5: they can have a conversation, but they can't, you know,
S5: do those acts of service. I've heard you say just
S5: the expression or writing something down or saying something. If
S5: I could get up from here, here's what I would
S5: do for you. If I could keep my mind focused
S5: on something, what I would love to do is just
S5: that kind of expression to the other person. Makes a difference,
S5: doesn't it?
S6: Absolutely, Chris. Because it gives them your intention. It expresses
S6: to them what's on your heart. If I could do this,
S6: I would, because I really love you. Yes, absolutely. And
S6: we all have some limitations. They may be mental, emotional,
S6: physical limitations, but as you said, there are some people
S6: who cannot do certain things because of physical difficulties. But
S6: I think expressing what you would do If you could
S6: communicates to them on an emotional level that you love them.
S5: Gary, I want to give you one more question from
S5: the Chris Fabry live program that we had with doctors,
S5: Les and Leslie Parrott. We were talking about your book,
S5: The Love Language That Matters Most, and here's what Luis asked.
S9: Yes, I would like to ask. Uh, I understand my
S9: wife is a narcissist by what I have learned here
S9: in Moody Radio. All the shows I have spoke about it, uh.
S9: And I like to know how can I use these
S9: five love languages when a person today it might be
S9: a little loving tomorrow. It's so many different, uh, ways
S9: that she express herself that it's no matter what I do.
S9: I mean, no matter what I do as a Christian
S9: man as a loving husband. Everything is wrong and the
S9: only affection she shows is maybe when she needs something or.
S9: A triumph. Every single thing on the book.
S6: Well, you can hear his frustration. And what I hear
S6: him saying is that he really feels like he is
S6: a good husband, and he is doing everything he can
S6: to communicate that he loves her and cares for her,
S6: but it's almost like nothing ever pleases her. He's never
S6: good enough. And so he doesn't get any affirmation coming
S6: from all the things that he's doing. Uh, and I
S6: think many of our listeners can identify with that because
S6: they've probably been there themselves, because we tend to see
S6: ourselves as doing good things. And if we know the
S6: love language, we're trying to speak their love language, if
S6: we know their love language. And I'm not sure if
S6: he if he's ever really dug into that to know
S6: that he really knows what her love language is. But
S6: that would be important. I think it would be one
S6: of the first things I would say if I were
S6: counseling him in the office is, let's find out for
S6: sure that you know what your wife's primary love language is,
S6: because maybe you are expressing love to her in your mind.
S6: You're doing all kinds of things for her, but you
S6: still may not be hitting the target if you don't
S6: know what her primary love language is. So I would,
S6: I would say to him, if he hasn't taken the quiz, uh,
S6: either the free quiz or the premium quiz, I would
S6: encourage him to both of them to take it and
S6: then talk about their relationship. I can guarantee you it
S6: will open up conversation with you when you start talking
S6: about it. Now, maybe she has a problem that she's
S6: just a negative person. Her personality is negative. And in
S6: that case, it probably is not going to change unless
S6: she gets some outside help. By which I mean a
S6: Christian counselor who can sit down and help her begin
S6: to realize that the pattern that she's developed in her mind,
S6: that there's something wrong with everything. We've got to change
S6: the pattern, but it does not happen without help. So
S6: I would encourage her if she was open to that,
S6: to to get counseling and begin to recognize the positive
S6: things in life, because folks who have a negative attitude, everything,
S6: it's not just the marriage, it's everything is negative to
S6: them in their life. And it's a, it's a terrible
S6: way to live. But that pattern can be broken with
S6: the right kind of help.
S5: Yeah. And a loving spouse can be a part of that.
S5: But as you've said earlier, and you said many times,
S5: you can't change your spouse, you cannot do that. You
S5: can be an agent of change, but you can't change them.
S5: So again, we've been talking about the book, The Love
S5: Language That Matters Most. You can find out more about
S5: that as well as our featured resource today at Building relationships.us.
S5: We have time for one more question. Another written question
S5: from a single listener. Dear Doctor Chapman, I'm currently reading
S5: your book, The Five Love Languages. I'm learning so much
S5: from it. Thank you for the wisdom you share. I'm
S5: going through some struggles with my boyfriend and was wondering
S5: if you might be able to offer some advice. We
S5: have been dating for about a year and we are
S5: both over 25 years old. He's very special to me.
S5: He's a Christian like I am, and he prays every
S5: day asking God to show him ways, how to love
S5: me better and I do the same. However, I sometimes
S5: feel that he is not loving me in the way
S5: that I need, and he feels that he may not
S5: be able to love me the way I deserve. Besides this,
S5: he keeps telling me to not worry that everything will
S5: be fine. And this brings me so much comfort and relief.
S5: Do you think this is something we could overcome? We
S5: truly want this relationship to work. Sending you blessings. And
S5: then she gives her name. And I'll keep her anonymous.
S5: What would you say to her?
S6: Well, you know, Chris, first of all, I would like
S6: to know, uh, has her boyfriend read the book with her?
S6: And are they discussing this concept together? Uh, he may
S6: or may not have. She's reading the book, she says,
S6: and she's finding it very helpful. But I would say
S6: if they have not each of them read the book.
S6: Each of them taken a quiz, learned each other's learn
S6: what the primary love language is. Then if he says
S6: that I can't speak that love language, it's probably because
S6: he never received it growing up. But the good news
S6: is he can learn to speak that language. If he
S6: really loves you, and he will. If he really loves you.
S6: Because any one of these can be learned. Maybe he
S6: got negative words growing up. He was told how awful
S6: he was and all of that sort of thing. And
S6: he has a hard time knowing how to say positive words.
S6: If words of affirmation, for example, would be your love language.
S6: But any one of these love languages can be learned
S6: even if you didn't receive them as a child. And
S6: this is what dating is all about. It's helping us
S6: spend enough time together, discuss enough topics together that we
S6: see that we can have a great relationship together. And
S6: so just the fact that he says everything is going
S6: to be all right doesn't mean everything's going to be
S6: all right. Okay. Another book I would suggest the two
S6: of you work through is the book I wrote called
S6: things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. I
S6: mentioned this earlier in the program, But because I think
S6: as a dating couple who are serious and obviously you
S6: are working through that book would help you not only
S6: with the love languages, but with several other topics that
S6: are important to be discussed before you get married.
S5: And I think that that she said it brought her
S5: comfort when he says, everything's going to work out, everything's
S5: going to be fine. To me, that sometimes can be
S5: used to shut down the struggle, you know, shut down
S5: the feelings that are there to just say, look, it's
S5: going to work out. Well, we'll work it out. A
S5: lot of people say that before they get married, and
S5: they never deal with their finances, or who's going to
S5: cook the dinner, or do take out the trash and
S5: mow the yard and all that kind of stuff you've got.
S5: It's hard to stick with those things and to hash
S5: them out. But I think it's, you know, saying everything
S5: is going to be fine can be a way to
S5: kind of push that other person away.
S6: Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. And, and often that
S6: it's saying, I don't want to. I don't want to
S6: talk about. Let's don't talk about it. Let's don't talk
S6: about it. It's going to work out. All right. You see,
S6: when you're in love, you think everything's going to work
S6: out all right. But that in love experience that the
S6: two of you feel has an average lifespan of two years.
S6: You've been dating already? One year. We all come down
S6: off that high, and that's why we have to look
S6: at a lot of these other things, uh, not just
S6: those feelings of love, because they're not going to carry
S6: us through. And so you work through that book, 12
S6: things that I know now wish I had known. Chances are,
S6: by the time you finish that, you're going to make
S6: some real progress or you're going to realize, you know,
S6: we're not meant for each other. We're not we're not
S6: making the positive things that need to be done now. Okay.
S5: As we end the program today, I want to play
S5: for you, the winner for the shortest call on record
S5: and the most meaningful. Listen to this.
S10: Hey, Gary, I just want to say thank you for
S10: for the work you do.
S6: Chris, I don't think we've ever had a call like that.
S6: I know I have had people tell me, I appreciate
S6: the work you do and then talk about a whole
S6: lot of other things. But obviously it does seem that
S6: some of the works that I've done have influenced his life,
S6: and he's expressing it out of a out of a
S6: heart of gratitude. And obviously that's very encouraging to me
S6: and would be to any author.
S5: Well, he's made a connection with you and I understand that.
S5: And it sounds like, you know, we have no idea
S5: what has happened in his life that you've spoken into.
S5: But we also know that there's somebody else speaking through you, Gary,
S5: that it's not just you talking here. So, uh, I
S5: echo and a lot of listeners are echoing that same thing.
S5: Thank you for what you have done and are doing
S5: and will do by the power of God at work
S5: in you. I want to give that phone number one
S5: more time. 866424. Gary. Do you have a question? You
S5: have a comment, maybe a short comment. Thank you. Gary. (866) 424-4279.
S5: And if you go to building relationships.us you'll see the
S5: five languages of appreciation in the workplace. A featured resource
S5: today go to building relationships.us.
S6: And next week how to find a friend and be
S6: the kind of friend you want to be.
S4: Becky Harling will encourage us to befriend wise in one week.
S4: Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve
S4: Wick and Janice. Backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman
S4: is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association
S4: with Moody Publishers, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks
S4: for listening.