WEBVTT - Dear Gary | March 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:03.120 I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. 0:00:03.160 --> 0:00:05.200 You know, I'm kind of having a little bit of 0:00:05.200 --> 0:00:06.520 difficulty right now. 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:10.239 Trying to understand what my spouse's love language is. I 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:12.200 was just sitting here having time with the Lord, and 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:15.040 I was thinking, hey, I wonder what his love language is. 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.480 It's a conversation of the heart. Today, on building relationships 0:00:22.480 --> 0:00:26.120 with Doctor Gary Chapman, we take your questions and concerns 0:00:26.120 --> 0:00:30.680 about your relationships, whether single, married, divorced, or widowed. You'll 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:33.040 benefit from the wisdom of our host, who is the 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:36.440 author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:39.960 And if you're interested in asking a question of Doctor Chapman, 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:45.160 call us at 1866424. Gary, keep your question as brief 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:50.200 as you can. That's 1866424. Gary. And we have some 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:53.720 great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary. 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:56.640 And we have a great featured resource for you. It's 0:00:56.640 --> 0:00:59.200 the new and updated edition of the book that Gary 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:03.720 wrote with Doctor Paul White titled The Five Languages of 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:09.600 Appreciation in the workplace. The subtitle is Empowering Organizations by 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:13.279 encouraging people. You can find that in more simple ways 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:18.039 to strengthen your relationships at building relationships. Does Gary, let 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:21.120 me talk about the, uh, the workplace as we begin? 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:24.440 We don't get a lot of calls and questions about 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:28.399 things happening on the job. And my guess is that 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.920 that might partly be because people don't want to ask 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:35.320 a question on the radio about their boss or their coworker, 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:37.920 and I get that. But what are some of the 0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:40.800 struggles that you and Doctor White address in that book 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:45.360 as far as resolving conflicts and communication in the workplace? 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:48.880 Well, Chris, of course, the whole book, the theme is 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:52.559 learning how to express appreciation to people. And if people 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:57.960 feel appreciated, it's easier to handle conflicts. But we do 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:01.160 deal with that whole issue of if you've been hurt 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:05.240 in the workplace by a fellow employee, if they don't 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:10.600 come and apologize to you, you kindly go to them 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:14.880 and say things like, you know, if I had something 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:17.079 that was bothering me, would this be a good time 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:18.040 to share it with you? 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:18.720 MM. 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:22.240 They're probably going to say yes because they're dying to 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:25.120 know what is this? And then you. And then you 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:28.400 can just share. You know what I really felt put 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:30.680 down or I felt ignored or I felt, you know, 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:34.280 tell them whatever you felt whenever you and you describe, 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:37.240 you know, what they did or what they said. And 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.520 I just, you know, I value our relationship. And I just, 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:43.519 I just want to kind of clear the air. Maybe 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:47.280 I misunderstood what you said. Uh, you know, you're not 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:50.680 going in a harsh way. You're going in a kind way, 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:54.920 but you are, you know, bringing it to their attention. 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:58.490 And then you listen because maybe you did misunderstand. Maybe 0:02:58.490 --> 0:03:01.970 you took it the wrong way. And so it's resolved. 0:03:01.970 --> 0:03:04.209 And that's what we want to do. We don't want to. 0:03:04.330 --> 0:03:07.369 Something happens to you. You feel hurt and you feel 0:03:07.370 --> 0:03:11.370 angry or whatever other emotions you might feel, and then 0:03:11.370 --> 0:03:13.450 you just live with that, you know, in your mind 0:03:13.450 --> 0:03:16.530 toward that person and just try to stay away from them. 0:03:16.570 --> 0:03:19.490 I mean, that's not the way to live life, especially 0:03:19.490 --> 0:03:21.489 if it's somebody you're going to be seeing every day, 0:03:21.530 --> 0:03:24.329 you know, in your workplace. So I think we ought 0:03:24.370 --> 0:03:30.010 to really try to deal with conflicts or hurts that 0:03:30.010 --> 0:03:33.889 happen in the workplace, just as we do in other relationships. 0:03:34.169 --> 0:03:36.370 Because let's face it, if you're working with somebody on 0:03:36.370 --> 0:03:39.130 a regular basis, you know, every day, all year long, 0:03:39.170 --> 0:03:44.090 you know, ten years or longer, uh, we, it's going 0:03:44.130 --> 0:03:46.050 to be a whole lot better if you keep the 0:03:46.050 --> 0:03:48.330 relationships in a positive and healthy way. 0:03:48.610 --> 0:03:54.050 Yeah. I read the dedication to that again today before 0:03:54.050 --> 0:03:57.850 the program and you and Paul White dedicate this to 0:03:57.890 --> 0:04:02.490 your parents, who you say didn't get as much appreciation 0:04:02.490 --> 0:04:06.330 as they deserved. And it strikes me that that other generation, 0:04:06.370 --> 0:04:11.610 the generation before ours, um, kind of worked that way. 0:04:11.650 --> 0:04:14.330 It's like, well, you don't, you don't really get that much. 0:04:14.370 --> 0:04:16.690 You just keep on going. It doesn't matter whether your 0:04:16.690 --> 0:04:18.850 boss says something good to you or not. You just 0:04:18.850 --> 0:04:20.770 keep on doing what you're doing because at least you 0:04:20.770 --> 0:04:22.290 have a job, right? 0:04:22.570 --> 0:04:25.089 Yeah. And, and that was the main thing, at least 0:04:25.089 --> 0:04:27.250 for my parents, it was you got to have a 0:04:27.250 --> 0:04:30.490 job to live, you know? And so you don't you 0:04:30.529 --> 0:04:34.690 don't want to trouble the waters, especially if it's a superior, uh, 0:04:34.690 --> 0:04:37.130 you don't want them to feel like you're unhappy or, 0:04:37.170 --> 0:04:39.010 you know, you don't like what they're doing and that 0:04:39.010 --> 0:04:41.330 sort of thing. And that was kind of the, the 0:04:41.330 --> 0:04:44.810 atmosphere in those days. Uh, but I do think it's 0:04:44.810 --> 0:04:49.170 different today. I think more and more people, they want 0:04:49.210 --> 0:04:51.529 not only to work, they certainly want a job because 0:04:51.529 --> 0:04:54.090 they do need an income, but they'd like for it 0:04:54.089 --> 0:04:58.250 to be a healthy relationships with the people with whom 0:04:58.250 --> 0:05:00.409 they work. And that's why we wrote that book, you know, 0:05:00.450 --> 0:05:03.650 is to really try to emphasize that. And a part 0:05:03.650 --> 0:05:08.610 of healthy relationships is learning how to express appreciation to 0:05:08.650 --> 0:05:11.490 the people that work with you or the people that 0:05:11.490 --> 0:05:13.010 work under your supervision. 0:05:13.210 --> 0:05:13.570 Right? 0:05:13.610 --> 0:05:16.330 And we were originally we thought we'd write that book 0:05:16.330 --> 0:05:19.930 just to managers, you know, or leaders, but we thought, no, no, 0:05:20.130 --> 0:05:23.210 this can start with any small group within a large 0:05:23.210 --> 0:05:27.090 company that work together on a regular basis. And if 0:05:27.089 --> 0:05:29.529 all of them would, could read the book or get 0:05:29.529 --> 0:05:34.570 the concept and take the quiz called Motivating by Appreciation inventory, 0:05:34.810 --> 0:05:41.210 learn each other's primary appreciation language and secondary man, and 0:05:41.210 --> 0:05:44.370 they start learning how to appreciate each other. It can 0:05:44.370 --> 0:05:47.970 spread from one small group throughout the whole company because 0:05:48.010 --> 0:05:49.609 others are going to hear about it. 0:05:49.890 --> 0:05:52.930 Well, that's what an employer wants. You know, you want 0:05:52.930 --> 0:05:54.770 this cohesion. You want to be a part of a 0:05:54.770 --> 0:05:58.290 team rather than all these little silos. And this is 0:05:58.290 --> 0:06:00.370 a great kind of wake up call if you haven't 0:06:00.370 --> 0:06:03.850 read it. The five Languages of appreciation in the workplace. 0:06:03.930 --> 0:06:08.490 We have a link for you at building relationships.gov. All right, Gary, 0:06:08.529 --> 0:06:11.050 we have calls. We have written questions. I want to 0:06:11.050 --> 0:06:14.130 start with one of those. A listener named drew says this. 0:06:14.130 --> 0:06:17.450 I need some help. Much discussion is offered on how 0:06:17.450 --> 0:06:21.370 to give love across a diversity of love languages, but 0:06:21.370 --> 0:06:23.690 I don't know that I've ever heard much on how 0:06:23.690 --> 0:06:28.010 to receive love well in multiple languages. The risk of 0:06:28.050 --> 0:06:31.850 getting it wrong could lead to bitterness, critical attitudes, despair, 0:06:31.850 --> 0:06:34.330 and doubt, in my opinion. But I'd love to hear 0:06:34.330 --> 0:06:38.010 a more seasoned response and instruction on that. Thanks for 0:06:38.010 --> 0:06:42.610 your program. So how do you receive love? Well, in 0:06:42.650 --> 0:06:43.930 multiple languages? 0:06:44.970 --> 0:06:47.529 Well, Chris, I think this is why it's important to 0:06:47.570 --> 0:06:51.969 understand the concept of the five love languages, that there 0:06:51.970 --> 0:06:56.570 are five fundamental ways to express love to another individual. 0:06:57.330 --> 0:07:00.650 Each of us has a primary love language. And so, 0:07:00.690 --> 0:07:03.490 you know, the emphasis is let's learn the primary love 0:07:03.490 --> 0:07:05.970 language of the other person, whether it's your spouse or 0:07:05.970 --> 0:07:10.290 your child or any other close relationship. But we also 0:07:10.290 --> 0:07:14.690 receive love if we understand that there are five different 0:07:14.690 --> 0:07:19.050 ways to express love. It should help us if someone 0:07:19.050 --> 0:07:22.170 is communicating love to us in a language that's not 0:07:22.210 --> 0:07:25.450 our primary love language, because we can say in our 0:07:25.450 --> 0:07:29.650 hearts and in our minds, oh, they're speaking, you know, 0:07:29.690 --> 0:07:33.810 one of the love languages. That is a proper way 0:07:33.810 --> 0:07:36.530 to speak love language. It's not my primary language, but 0:07:36.530 --> 0:07:39.050 I'm going to give them credit for it because they 0:07:39.050 --> 0:07:42.490 are speaking acts of service or they are, you know, 0:07:42.530 --> 0:07:45.890 speaking one of the other languages. I think that's that's 0:07:45.890 --> 0:07:50.530 the idea here in terms of receiving love in different languages. 0:07:50.770 --> 0:07:54.340 But again, I come back to the fundamental issue that 0:07:54.340 --> 0:07:58.580 if you are not receiving love in your primary love language, 0:07:58.780 --> 0:08:00.660 you're not going to feel loved. It's not going to 0:08:00.660 --> 0:08:03.260 feel your love tank. And the same thing is true 0:08:03.260 --> 0:08:06.820 with your partner. And so you focus on giving heavy 0:08:06.860 --> 0:08:10.180 doses of their primary love language. Hopefully they do the 0:08:10.180 --> 0:08:14.100 same for you. Then the other four can still be 0:08:14.100 --> 0:08:17.620 sprinkled in for extra credit because all of them are fine. 0:08:17.620 --> 0:08:19.580 We're not going to we're not opposed to any one 0:08:19.580 --> 0:08:23.540 of them. Uh, but I think understanding the concept that 0:08:23.540 --> 0:08:26.620 there are different languages and a person who's never read 0:08:26.620 --> 0:08:30.420 the book may be expressing love to you in the 0:08:30.420 --> 0:08:34.380 best way they know how. And now, if you understand 0:08:34.380 --> 0:08:37.579 and can say, oh, yeah, that's the language they're speaking, 0:08:38.059 --> 0:08:41.220 you can give them credit for it emotionally in your 0:08:41.220 --> 0:08:44.380 own mind and heart because, you know, okay, they don't 0:08:44.380 --> 0:08:48.660 understand the concept, but they are indeed speaking a love 0:08:48.660 --> 0:08:50.860 language and I'm going to give them credit for it. 0:08:51.980 --> 0:09:00.179 Again. 1-866-424-4279. We would love to hear from you today. 0:09:00.220 --> 0:09:03.579 Our featured resource at Building relationships.us is the book by 0:09:03.580 --> 0:09:06.819 Doctor Chapman and Doctor Paul White. The Five Languages of 0:09:06.820 --> 0:09:13.860 Appreciation in the workplace. Empowering organizations by encouraging people. It's 0:09:13.860 --> 0:09:17.260 completely updated and revised and you can find a link 0:09:17.260 --> 0:09:23.179 at the website. Building relationships. Just go to building relationships.us. 0:09:23.220 --> 0:09:25.380 All right, let's go to your calls. The first one 0:09:25.380 --> 0:09:28.700 is a little vague, Gary, about her specific problem. So 0:09:28.700 --> 0:09:31.220 I'm not sure how much help that you can give her, 0:09:31.220 --> 0:09:34.179 but you can hear the pain in her voice about 0:09:34.179 --> 0:09:36.580 her marriage. Here's our first caller. 0:09:37.700 --> 0:09:43.220 Hi, Gary. I like your program and I'm going to 0:09:43.260 --> 0:09:48.740 travel in my marriage. I'm starved. I'm trapped. I don't 0:09:48.780 --> 0:09:50.940 know what to do. Thank you. 0:09:51.860 --> 0:09:55.099 Well, you know, Chris, there are a number of individuals 0:09:55.100 --> 0:09:58.540 who are married who feel that they are trapped. And 0:09:58.540 --> 0:10:02.340 there are different reasons for that. Totally different reasons for that. 0:10:02.860 --> 0:10:06.380 Sometimes they're married to someone who is strung out on 0:10:06.380 --> 0:10:11.020 alcohol or drugs, and you know, they're just not dependable 0:10:11.020 --> 0:10:14.380 at all. Because of that, there are scores of reasons 0:10:14.380 --> 0:10:17.660 why people feel trapped in a marriage. But I think 0:10:17.660 --> 0:10:20.819 when you do feel trapped, what you want to do 0:10:20.820 --> 0:10:23.939 is reach out for help. Don't. Don't just carry the 0:10:23.940 --> 0:10:29.100 burden by yourself. Whatever it is, reach out to a friend. 0:10:29.100 --> 0:10:32.460 Reach out to a pastor. Reach out to a counselor 0:10:32.940 --> 0:10:38.140 and share your struggle. Share with them why you feel 0:10:38.140 --> 0:10:42.060 trapped and let them help you. Because it's not new 0:10:42.059 --> 0:10:44.660 and you're not the only one who is in that 0:10:44.660 --> 0:10:48.820 situation or similar situations. So I think that would be 0:10:48.820 --> 0:10:52.060 just based on what she said. That would be my 0:10:52.059 --> 0:10:57.420 advice to reach out for help. There's always help. That's 0:10:57.420 --> 0:11:01.099 what counseling is all about. And that's what friendship's all about. 0:11:01.260 --> 0:11:04.220 It's listening to those who are in a situation where 0:11:04.220 --> 0:11:07.699 they just feel terrible about it. They don't know what 0:11:07.740 --> 0:11:12.020 to do with it. And that other person hears you out, 0:11:12.059 --> 0:11:16.340 is empathetic with you. And if they don't have any suggestions, 0:11:16.500 --> 0:11:19.620 they probably know someone who would be able to help you. 0:11:20.059 --> 0:11:23.460 So I think that's the advice. Don't just sit there 0:11:23.740 --> 0:11:26.580 and live under the burden. Reach out and try to 0:11:26.620 --> 0:11:27.460 find help. 0:11:28.260 --> 0:11:32.860 What if trapped means there's abuse in the relationship? 0:11:33.460 --> 0:11:38.020 I think if there's physical abuse or just continually verbal abuse, 0:11:38.380 --> 0:11:40.740 there is a place, no question about it in my 0:11:40.740 --> 0:11:43.620 mind to say to them, I don't know how you 0:11:43.620 --> 0:11:48.220 feel about us, but I love you too much to 0:11:48.260 --> 0:11:51.980 sit here and do nothing. I, I don't think you 0:11:51.980 --> 0:11:55.420 could be happy with the way you're treating me. Maybe 0:11:55.420 --> 0:11:58.179 I'm wrong. Maybe you are happy about it. But I 0:11:58.179 --> 0:12:00.939 don't think you want to be that way. And so 0:12:01.300 --> 0:12:04.700 I'm going to go for counseling. I would love for 0:12:04.700 --> 0:12:07.460 you to go with me. But even if you don't, 0:12:07.500 --> 0:12:11.619 I'm going to go for counseling. That lets them know 0:12:12.020 --> 0:12:15.340 that you are about to change the paradigm. You're not 0:12:15.340 --> 0:12:17.620 just going to sit there and keep on going through 0:12:17.660 --> 0:12:21.500 what you're going through. And, uh, I think if they 0:12:21.500 --> 0:12:24.780 go for counseling with you, then guess there's hope that 0:12:24.780 --> 0:12:28.060 there's going to be some changes made and the person 0:12:28.059 --> 0:12:31.380 come to understand what's going on. If they don't go 0:12:31.420 --> 0:12:34.900 with you, you go for counseling yourself. Because if you're 0:12:34.900 --> 0:12:37.660 going to then apply tough love, you need to be 0:12:37.660 --> 0:12:40.100 doing it with the help of a counselor. And by 0:12:40.140 --> 0:12:43.380 tough love, I mean there is a place to say, 0:12:43.860 --> 0:12:47.470 you know, I love you too much to do nothing. 0:12:47.630 --> 0:12:49.670 So I'm going to move in with my mother or 0:12:49.670 --> 0:12:53.830 my sister or whatever your plan is. I'm not abandoning you. 0:12:54.150 --> 0:12:57.510 I am willing. Anytime you want to go for counseling, 0:12:57.510 --> 0:12:59.670 I will go with you. But I'm not going to 0:12:59.710 --> 0:13:02.949 sit here and let you continue to try to put 0:13:02.950 --> 0:13:05.830 me down. Destroy me. Down. Hit me. And whatever it 0:13:05.830 --> 0:13:08.230 is they're doing to you. I love you too much 0:13:08.230 --> 0:13:11.310 to just accept that. And so you take that move. 0:13:11.670 --> 0:13:13.830 But I think first of all, before you do that, 0:13:13.830 --> 0:13:16.069 you want to see if they will go for counseling 0:13:16.070 --> 0:13:19.390 with you. That would be the better step. But there's 0:13:19.390 --> 0:13:22.590 a place for tough love. If they don't respond at all. 0:13:23.190 --> 0:13:25.790 If you have a question, maybe it's a marriage struggle 0:13:25.790 --> 0:13:28.390 or you have a dating question. Call and leave a 0:13:28.390 --> 0:13:30.829 message for Doctor Chatman. I would love to hear his 0:13:30.830 --> 0:13:34.870 answer to your concern or struggle. Or maybe there's something 0:13:34.870 --> 0:13:37.990 that's positive going on in your relationships and you want 0:13:37.990 --> 0:13:47.750 to talk about that. Call 866424. Gary 44279. Here's our 0:13:47.750 --> 0:13:51.429 next caller who also has a marriage struggle. 0:13:52.550 --> 0:13:56.590 Hey, Gary, first time caller. I've been married for two years, 0:13:56.750 --> 0:13:59.550 and I'm kind of having a little bit of difficulty 0:13:59.590 --> 0:14:04.830 right now. Our relationship moved on towards the world instead 0:14:04.830 --> 0:14:08.270 of Jesus. And then right about when, you know, there 0:14:08.270 --> 0:14:12.750 was a good turnaround. Things got separated. Now, I know 0:14:12.750 --> 0:14:16.510 I've heard you guys talk about biblical outs before, so 0:14:16.550 --> 0:14:19.110 I'm just kind of curious as to how far those 0:14:19.110 --> 0:14:25.750 biblical go, you know, abandonment, sexual immorality, you know? I mean, 0:14:25.790 --> 0:14:28.670 I'm a stone, but it doesn't mean that I'm not 0:14:28.670 --> 0:14:32.630 in pain and I'm praying a lot. So I guess 0:14:32.630 --> 0:14:36.270 what I'm asking is, uh, how far should I be 0:14:36.310 --> 0:14:39.350 a stone? Should I wait it all the way out 0:14:40.030 --> 0:14:47.950 or should I, you know, move on. Thank you for listening. 0:14:49.270 --> 0:14:52.830 Well, Chris, uh, you have to feel for this young man. 0:14:53.430 --> 0:14:56.390 Two years married, and I don't know what's going on. 0:14:56.790 --> 0:14:59.830 Of course, what his spouse is doing or what he's doing, 0:14:59.830 --> 0:15:04.710 for that matter. I tell you this, many of us 0:15:04.710 --> 0:15:08.190 who've been married now for many, many years look back 0:15:08.190 --> 0:15:10.830 when we were married two years and had the same 0:15:10.830 --> 0:15:15.030 kind of feelings he has, that we're married the wrong person. 0:15:15.030 --> 0:15:19.990 It's not working out. And so, you know, I can 0:15:19.990 --> 0:15:22.550 tell you, many of our listeners are empathetic with what 0:15:22.550 --> 0:15:27.830 he's saying. The answer does not come just with sitting 0:15:27.830 --> 0:15:31.470 there and just letting it happen, whatever it is that's 0:15:31.470 --> 0:15:35.430 going on. The answer comes in reaching out for help. 0:15:36.070 --> 0:15:38.430 So what I would encourage him to do is to 0:15:38.470 --> 0:15:43.910 say to his wife, honey, you know, we were in 0:15:43.910 --> 0:15:46.870 love a few years ago. And I loved you and 0:15:46.870 --> 0:15:50.230 you loved me. And. But you know how things are today, 0:15:50.710 --> 0:15:54.350 and I feel like I have got to have help. 0:15:54.750 --> 0:15:56.989 And I would like for you to go with me, 0:15:56.990 --> 0:16:00.510 but I am going to see a counselor because I. 0:16:00.630 --> 0:16:04.630 I don't think either one of us want to put 0:16:04.630 --> 0:16:09.230 up with our relationship like it is now, and I'm not. 0:16:09.270 --> 0:16:12.190 I don't want to abandon you. I still love you, 0:16:12.710 --> 0:16:16.230 but obviously we need some help and you reach out 0:16:16.230 --> 0:16:19.590 for help. Step. Maybe before that would be to read 0:16:19.590 --> 0:16:21.910 a book, such as the book I wrote called One 0:16:21.910 --> 0:16:25.750 More Try What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart, 0:16:26.270 --> 0:16:29.230 or another book I wrote called Loving Your Spouse When 0:16:29.230 --> 0:16:32.950 You Feel Like Walking Away. Either one of those books 0:16:32.950 --> 0:16:36.350 would be a help to you, but ultimately, I think 0:16:36.390 --> 0:16:38.710 you're going to have to have outside help in terms 0:16:38.710 --> 0:16:41.950 of a counselor. And then does it mean that she 0:16:42.030 --> 0:16:44.630 will go with you for counseling? It doesn't mean that 0:16:44.630 --> 0:16:47.190 even if she does that, you can find a resolve. 0:16:47.230 --> 0:16:53.030 Because you can't make a healthy marriage by yourself. But 0:16:53.030 --> 0:16:55.670 I can tell you that loving her in the right 0:16:55.670 --> 0:16:59.550 love language is the most powerful influence you can have 0:16:59.590 --> 0:17:02.950 on her. You can't make her change, but you can 0:17:02.950 --> 0:17:06.909 have a positive influence. But it doesn't come by criticizing her, 0:17:07.070 --> 0:17:09.750 by putting her down in that sort of thing. It 0:17:09.750 --> 0:17:14.070 comes by loving her the way God loves us. He 0:17:14.070 --> 0:17:16.909 loved us when we were still sinners and sent Christ 0:17:16.910 --> 0:17:20.590 to die for us. So keeping a loving attitude and 0:17:20.590 --> 0:17:23.190 if you know where love language, speaking her love language, 0:17:23.950 --> 0:17:27.550 then your efforts to reach out for counseling and sharing 0:17:27.550 --> 0:17:30.790 that concept with her, she's far more likely to be 0:17:30.790 --> 0:17:33.710 responsive when she sees you treating her in a way 0:17:33.710 --> 0:17:36.390 that she knows she doesn't deserve. And that is a 0:17:36.390 --> 0:17:37.070 loving way. 0:17:38.109 --> 0:17:42.200 So it it it is normal after a passage of time, 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:45.439 you know, two years, three years, five years, whatever. Or 0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:49.760 when children come into the marriage and you begin that family, 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:55.199 it's normal, quote unquote, to have that change stir things 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:58.119 up in this way. But he said something at the 0:17:58.119 --> 0:18:02.040 beginning about moving toward the world, and I don't know 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:04.920 how to interpret that. The way that I do is 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:09.480 her values have changed in her life. She's making decisions 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:12.880 that he doesn't agree with. She's going maybe a little 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:17.840 bit different direction with with her morality or whatever that means. Um, 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:21.200 and so how do you deal, how would you counsel 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:22.560 him on that? 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:26.560 Yeah, I think you're probably right, Chris, about that because 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.719 I do remember now that's what he said. And I 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:33.919 think again, uh, you have to start where you are. 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:38.200 And I think a discussion with her in terms of, honey, 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:41.280 where are you And where do you where where are 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:45.200 you going? You know, I mean, and whatever the issue is, 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:48.680 because this is not the person that I married. You know, 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:50.760 this this is not the way you were before we 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:54.960 got married. And, uh, so if she's moving in that direction, 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:57.520 you're just trying to have a discussion about it and 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:00.600 letting her talk about it, you know? And again, if 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:03.080 a person chooses to walk away from God and to 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:07.879 have a lifestyle that is anti-biblical and anti-God, we can't 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:11.440 make them follow God, and God will not make them. 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:14.120 I mean, God gives us freedom if we if we 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:18.040 choose to walk away from God, we can. And so. But. 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:20.480 But you want to do everything you can to let 0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:24.359 her know that that you want her and you want 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:27.560 to have a life with her, uh, rather than, you know, 0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:31.920 just negative because negative words and criticism and preaching to her, 0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:34.800 you know, those kind of things, that's not going to 0:19:34.880 --> 0:19:38.280 lead in a positive direction. But if she sees that 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:41.880 you you do want to have a relationship and you 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:45.680 are asking her questions about that and to say if 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:47.760 it's a spiritual thing to ask, you know, would you 0:19:47.800 --> 0:19:50.080 be willing to talk with a pastor or would you 0:19:50.119 --> 0:19:53.440 be willing to talk with a Christian counselor? And, uh, 0:19:54.040 --> 0:19:57.119 if she's unwilling, then, you know, you can't, you can't 0:19:57.119 --> 0:20:01.040 keep her from moving in that direction. And, but if 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:04.080 she follows that direction and she gets involved with someone 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.840 else and all that sort of thing, she will be 0:20:06.840 --> 0:20:09.640 the one that'll take the initiative to divorce. You won't 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:13.159 have to do that. She will do that because, uh, she, 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:15.880 she does not want to be in a relationship with 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:19.720 someone that, uh, you know, all she gets is criticism. 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:24.480 And I would add, if you ask her those questions, 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:28.320 you have to listen. And it may be hard. And 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:31.000 maybe that's one of the reasons why he's holding back. 0:20:31.000 --> 0:20:33.880 He doesn't want to hear what is really going on 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:37.080 because that scares him. There's some fear there. So if 0:20:37.119 --> 0:20:40.280 you broach this conversation with her and you go deeper 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.960 with her, you got to be willing to listen to 0:20:43.000 --> 0:20:45.920 what is really on her heart. And if she shares 0:20:45.920 --> 0:20:48.840 with you, you know, some of those tough things that 0:20:48.840 --> 0:20:52.600 might be the the logjam, you know, the that breaks 0:20:52.600 --> 0:20:56.760 the dam that moves you closer together. Uh, thank you 0:20:56.760 --> 0:20:59.320 for that. There's somebody else who needed to hear that 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:03.080 question today. And if you have a question for Doctor Chapman, 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:10.320 here's the number again, 866424. Gary 866424. Gary. Okay, here's 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:13.800 another question we received in written form. Dear Doctor Chapman, 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:17.040 thank you for your book. I'm not married yet and 0:21:17.040 --> 0:21:20.000 not currently in a relationship, but I have a question. 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:22.879 From what you explain, it seems that when a man 0:21:22.880 --> 0:21:26.639 and a woman learn each other's love language and intentionally 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:31.399 fill one another's love tank, they can sustain a healthy relationship. 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:34.720 Does this mean that when choosing a spouse, we should 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:38.520 be drawn to people who naturally use our love language 0:21:38.520 --> 0:21:41.560 the most. For example, if I were to marry someone 0:21:41.560 --> 0:21:44.960 I don't initially love or even know well, and we 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:48.800 learn each other's love languages and act accordingly, would we 0:21:48.800 --> 0:21:52.320 begin to love each other as our love tanks are filled? 0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:56.159 To me, this feels like it reduces relationships to a 0:21:56.160 --> 0:21:59.480 very simple mechanism. When a man's love tank is full, 0:21:59.520 --> 0:22:02.520 he approaches his wife sexually, and when a woman's love 0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:06.280 tank is full, she becomes emotionally ready for intimacy. Is 0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:09.720 that essentially the idea? I want to emphasize I'm not 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:12.320 judging your work at all. I truly want to understand 0:22:12.320 --> 0:22:16.159 it more deeply. Thank you for your time. Kind regards. 0:22:16.200 --> 0:22:17.720 A male listener. 0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:21.560 Well, I appreciate that question, Chris. I don't we don't 0:22:21.600 --> 0:22:24.760 often get a question like that from a single person, though. 0:22:24.760 --> 0:22:28.040 I have had many people through the years say what 0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:30.680 he indicated there at the first part of his call. 0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:34.560 And that is, is it ideal to look for somebody 0:22:34.560 --> 0:22:37.450 that has the same love language as you have, and 0:22:37.450 --> 0:22:40.610 you would think that would be easier and better. It 0:22:40.609 --> 0:22:44.609 probably would be. But no, I don't think that's the issue. 0:22:45.010 --> 0:22:47.530 I don't think you ought to get married just because 0:22:47.530 --> 0:22:50.730 you have the same, same love language. I wrote a 0:22:50.730 --> 0:22:54.170 book some time ago called things I Wish I'd Known 0:22:54.170 --> 0:22:58.609 Before We Got Married. 12 things I know now. I 0:22:58.650 --> 0:23:01.530 wish I had known before I got married, and I. 0:23:01.570 --> 0:23:05.170 When I speak on college campuses, I say to them, listen, 0:23:05.210 --> 0:23:08.290 the time to prepare for marriage is not after you 0:23:08.290 --> 0:23:12.490 get engaged, it's now. I said, read this book. Now 0:23:12.490 --> 0:23:15.010 you may not even be dating, but these are the 0:23:15.010 --> 0:23:18.050 kind of issues you need to be discussing in a 0:23:18.050 --> 0:23:21.690 dating context before you ever come to get married. And 0:23:21.690 --> 0:23:23.970 it's not that they have to be have the same 0:23:23.970 --> 0:23:27.609 love language. That's not a criteria. We fall in love 0:23:27.970 --> 0:23:31.690 and that falling in love experience begins with a feeling 0:23:32.290 --> 0:23:35.850 you don't make it happen. And typically, people don't marry 0:23:35.850 --> 0:23:38.450 someone that they have not fallen in love with. They 0:23:38.450 --> 0:23:40.930 have all these positive feelings for each other. That's what 0:23:40.970 --> 0:23:45.570 draws us together. And the old saying, opposites attract is 0:23:45.570 --> 0:23:49.770 often true, that we're opposite in many different ways. And 0:23:49.770 --> 0:23:52.850 that's a part of our attraction. So nothing wrong with 0:23:52.850 --> 0:23:55.330 marrying someone that you don't have the same love language. 0:23:55.330 --> 0:23:57.969 Because the kind of love that's going to carry you 0:23:58.010 --> 0:24:02.730 through doesn't start with a feeling. It starts with an attitude. 0:24:03.130 --> 0:24:07.209 I'm in this relationship to enrich your life. That's the 0:24:07.210 --> 0:24:10.850 attitude of love. It's not, I'm in this relationship for 0:24:10.850 --> 0:24:14.570 you to make me happy. That's selfishness. But you, you, you. 0:24:14.609 --> 0:24:17.570 I'm in this relationship and I'm choosing to marry you 0:24:17.570 --> 0:24:21.250 because I want to enrich your life. Speaking their love 0:24:21.250 --> 0:24:24.410 language is just one way that you can enrich their life. 0:24:24.410 --> 0:24:26.570 There are many, many other ways. Of course, we have 0:24:26.570 --> 0:24:29.170 to have an attitude of love. However, if we're going 0:24:29.210 --> 0:24:31.530 to have a good marriage, two people who have an 0:24:31.530 --> 0:24:35.690 attitude of love will work through all the differences they 0:24:35.690 --> 0:24:39.290 may have in personality and everything else, and we all 0:24:39.290 --> 0:24:42.370 have to work through some things. But the reality is 0:24:42.410 --> 0:24:45.930 we choose our attitude. We don't choose our emotions, but 0:24:45.930 --> 0:24:47.290 we choose our attitude. 0:24:48.090 --> 0:24:53.210 So when he says the love language concept reduces relationships 0:24:53.210 --> 0:24:57.210 to mechanism. Uh, you know, when a man's love tank 0:24:57.250 --> 0:25:00.330 is full and he puts it in the sexual contact, uh, 0:25:00.330 --> 0:25:04.930 context here. Um, that's where it almost sounds like this 0:25:04.930 --> 0:25:07.730 feels like manipulation to me. Talk about that. 0:25:08.410 --> 0:25:12.050 Yeah, I don't think speaking of person's love language is 0:25:12.050 --> 0:25:16.810 trying to manipulate them. Unless that's your attitude. I will 0:25:16.810 --> 0:25:19.690 speak their love language so they will speak my love language. 0:25:20.609 --> 0:25:24.250 That is natural. But we are all self centered. You see, 0:25:24.250 --> 0:25:27.410 that is manipulation. I'll speak your love language. You're not 0:25:27.410 --> 0:25:29.810 saying it, but I'll speak your love language. So you'll 0:25:29.810 --> 0:25:33.090 speak my love language. It's selfishness. That's not love. That's 0:25:33.090 --> 0:25:36.169 not the attitude of love. The attitude of love is 0:25:36.210 --> 0:25:38.570 we are to love each other the way God loved us. 0:25:39.130 --> 0:25:42.010 We didn't start a relationship with God. He started it. 0:25:42.050 --> 0:25:44.730 He loved us, sent Christ to die for us. We 0:25:44.730 --> 0:25:48.490 just reciprocate. But so. But if we're loving them so 0:25:48.490 --> 0:25:51.570 they can love us. It's manipulation. And that's why many 0:25:51.570 --> 0:25:55.290 people stop speaking the other person's love language after three weeks. 0:25:55.330 --> 0:25:57.649 They'll say, I tried this for three weeks. It didn't 0:25:57.650 --> 0:26:02.570 work with me. They didn't reciprocate. So, but if you 0:26:02.609 --> 0:26:05.969 are committed to their well-being and you know their love language, 0:26:05.970 --> 0:26:10.770 you're speaking on a regular basis. Love stimulates love. Yes, 0:26:10.770 --> 0:26:12.770 there is a good chance that they will speak your 0:26:12.770 --> 0:26:17.530 love language because love stimulates love. But I can't guarantee that. 0:26:17.530 --> 0:26:20.210 And we can't make them do that. Sometimes they don't 0:26:20.210 --> 0:26:23.570 even know what your primary love language is. But so, 0:26:24.010 --> 0:26:26.930 you know, I just think we have to come back 0:26:26.970 --> 0:26:31.610 to the reality if we're going to have love long term. 0:26:31.730 --> 0:26:34.090 If our emotions. Let me put it this way. If 0:26:34.090 --> 0:26:36.850 our emotional need for love is going to be met 0:26:36.850 --> 0:26:40.170 in a marriage relationship, it's going to be because we 0:26:40.170 --> 0:26:45.889 chose an attitude of love. Many times after the emotions 0:26:45.890 --> 0:26:49.810 of the In-love experience have evaporated and we don't have 0:26:49.810 --> 0:26:56.650 positive feelings toward them, but we choose to enrich their lives. 0:26:56.650 --> 0:26:59.490 And one of those ways is by speaking their love language. 0:26:59.890 --> 0:27:02.250 And you just see what happens. But I'm telling you, 0:27:02.290 --> 0:27:03.650 love stimulates love. 0:27:08.770 --> 0:27:12.850 This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:27:12.890 --> 0:27:15.290 He's the New York Times best selling author of the 0:27:15.290 --> 0:27:19.410 five Love Languages. If you enjoy our program, visit our website. 0:27:19.410 --> 0:27:25.369 Building relationships there, you'll find simple ways to strengthen your relationships. 0:27:25.570 --> 0:27:28.170 Our featured resource is the book by Doctor Chapman and 0:27:28.170 --> 0:27:32.540 Doctor Paul White. The five languages of appreciation in the workplace. 0:27:32.740 --> 0:27:36.179 We have a link for you at building relationships. Or 0:27:36.460 --> 0:27:39.100 just go to five love languages.com. 0:27:41.820 --> 0:27:44.419 This is our Dear Gary broadcast for March and we 0:27:44.420 --> 0:27:46.179 would love to hear from you if you have a 0:27:46.180 --> 0:27:48.780 question or maybe a follow up to something you hear today. 0:27:48.780 --> 0:27:53.740 Here's the number 866424. Gary, just leave a message and 0:27:53.740 --> 0:27:56.179 we may use your question here on the program on 0:27:56.180 --> 0:28:04.060 a future broadcast 1-866-424-4279. And by the way, turn down 0:28:04.060 --> 0:28:06.900 your radio in the background there. Sometimes we get questions, 0:28:06.900 --> 0:28:10.540 but we hear ourselves more than we hear your questions. 0:28:10.540 --> 0:28:13.340 So do that. Make sure it's a little quieter when 0:28:13.340 --> 0:28:17.340 you call 866424. Gary. Gary. I want to do something 0:28:17.340 --> 0:28:19.220 that we've never done before and that is go to 0:28:19.260 --> 0:28:24.580 some questions from an entirely different program. Back in February, 0:28:24.580 --> 0:28:28.100 I had Doctors Less and Leslie Parrott on Chris Fabry Live, 0:28:28.460 --> 0:28:31.220 and we talked about the book that you co-wrote with them, 0:28:31.220 --> 0:28:33.739 The Love Language That Matters Most. And I opened the 0:28:33.740 --> 0:28:35.380 phone lines and I said, if you have a love 0:28:35.380 --> 0:28:38.580 language problem, you call me. And so these are the 0:28:38.580 --> 0:28:41.500 questions or some of them that got through to the parrots. 0:28:41.500 --> 0:28:43.500 And I want to see what you have to say. 0:28:43.740 --> 0:28:47.459 First of all, to Dianne, who called from Nashville with 0:28:47.460 --> 0:28:50.980 the most foundational question we could ask for. Here she is. 0:28:52.180 --> 0:28:56.540 Hi. I just had a question of trying to understand 0:28:56.540 --> 0:29:00.820 what my spouse's love language is. I think when you're 0:29:00.860 --> 0:29:03.820 first in a relationship, it's easier to do it, but 0:29:03.820 --> 0:29:07.660 longer term, it's more it seems like it's more difficult 0:29:07.660 --> 0:29:10.860 to figure out what the person's love language is. Can 0:29:10.860 --> 0:29:11.780 you help me with that? 0:29:12.820 --> 0:29:16.980 Well, I think their informal ways of discovering a person's 0:29:16.980 --> 0:29:21.580 love language, one is how do they most often express 0:29:21.580 --> 0:29:24.500 love to you or to the children or, you know, 0:29:24.540 --> 0:29:27.740 other other people that are close to them because we 0:29:27.740 --> 0:29:30.940 tend to speak our own love language. That would be 0:29:30.940 --> 0:29:33.500 the first question. The second question to ask, I think, 0:29:33.500 --> 0:29:38.220 is what do they complain about most often? The complaint 0:29:38.220 --> 0:29:41.580 often reveals the love language. If they say, for example, 0:29:41.740 --> 0:29:43.540 you know, I just feel like we don't spend any 0:29:43.580 --> 0:29:48.140 time together anymore. They're telling you quality time is their 0:29:48.140 --> 0:29:53.740 primary love language. Or if it's a particular holiday and 0:29:53.740 --> 0:29:58.420 they say, you didn't get me anything. They're telling you 0:29:58.460 --> 0:30:01.460 gifts is their love language and it's a holiday. And 0:30:01.460 --> 0:30:04.420 you didn't even give them a gift. So you listen 0:30:04.420 --> 0:30:08.380 to their complaints and then also listen to what they 0:30:08.380 --> 0:30:13.900 request of you most often. If they're saying, for example, periodically, honey, 0:30:13.900 --> 0:30:16.620 can we take a walk together this afternoon or this evening, 0:30:17.220 --> 0:30:20.060 they're asking you for quality time, just the two of 0:30:20.060 --> 0:30:24.780 us walking together and talking. Or if they say to you, 0:30:25.060 --> 0:30:29.260 how do you think this looks, uh, talking about their clothing? Uh, 0:30:29.260 --> 0:30:32.900 they're asking you to to give them words or words 0:30:32.900 --> 0:30:36.540 of affirmation. Or if they say to you, well, here's 0:30:36.540 --> 0:30:39.620 another complaint. I can't ever please you. Doesn't matter what 0:30:39.620 --> 0:30:43.500 I do. I can't please you. They're telling you words 0:30:43.500 --> 0:30:46.100 of affirmation is their language, but all they ever hear 0:30:46.100 --> 0:30:49.100 from you are critical words. If you put those three 0:30:49.100 --> 0:30:53.180 things together, you can pretty much figure out your spouse's 0:30:53.220 --> 0:30:57.020 love language. Now, if they haven't taken the online quiz 0:30:57.060 --> 0:31:00.420 and are willing to do it, I would certainly encourage that. 0:31:00.420 --> 0:31:03.620 And of course, the, the, the premium quiz now where 0:31:03.620 --> 0:31:06.420 they learn not only their primary love language and what 0:31:06.420 --> 0:31:10.620 percentage the others are, but they get the dialects of 0:31:10.620 --> 0:31:14.060 those languages. You know, that could be really, really helpful. 0:31:14.500 --> 0:31:17.060 Gary, refresh my memory then how do you get that 0:31:17.060 --> 0:31:18.740 premium assessment? Where do you go? 0:31:19.180 --> 0:31:22.979 I go to the website five love languages.com. The number 0:31:22.980 --> 0:31:28.060 five five love Of languages.com and click on Premium Assessment 0:31:28.060 --> 0:31:30.620 or click on I don't know if it says quizzes 0:31:30.620 --> 0:31:32.860 or assessment and you'll find it easily. 0:31:33.100 --> 0:31:38.220 Okay. Five love languages.com. Okay, so that was Diane's question. 0:31:38.620 --> 0:31:41.820 Here's the next caller who called in again. This was 0:31:41.820 --> 0:31:44.900 at the end of February. Now Gary is answering these 0:31:44.900 --> 0:31:48.540 same questions that the parents answered. This is Janine. 0:31:49.340 --> 0:31:53.380 Hi. I found your programming and I love it. I'm 0:31:53.380 --> 0:31:56.860 really going through a difficult time right now. And I 0:31:56.860 --> 0:31:59.500 was just sitting here thinking I was having time with 0:31:59.500 --> 0:32:01.500 the Lord, and I was thinking, hey, I wonder what 0:32:01.500 --> 0:32:05.260 his love language is because I know I want to 0:32:05.300 --> 0:32:08.300 know how to love him more. And even when we've 0:32:08.300 --> 0:32:10.540 gone through grief and a lot of things we might 0:32:10.940 --> 0:32:13.460 not always still love, we know he loves us, but 0:32:13.460 --> 0:32:16.780 we don't always still love. Um. I don't even know 0:32:16.780 --> 0:32:20.220 what my love language is or whatever, but I was 0:32:20.220 --> 0:32:24.230 just thinking, uh, you know, wonder what God's is. the 0:32:24.230 --> 0:32:26.870 language of the heart, I guess I'm sure, because he 0:32:26.870 --> 0:32:27.870 knows all about us. 0:32:28.670 --> 0:32:31.110 Well, on that last part, I would say I wrote 0:32:31.110 --> 0:32:35.510 a book on that. God speaks your love language. And 0:32:35.510 --> 0:32:40.190 the fact is, God speaks all five love languages fluently, 0:32:40.750 --> 0:32:45.630 and I use biblical illustrations. I use church history illustrations. 0:32:45.630 --> 0:32:50.110 I use contemporary illustrations that people are drawn to God 0:32:50.110 --> 0:32:53.990 when they sense his love in their love language. It's 0:32:53.990 --> 0:32:58.230 amazing the parallel you see between that. So God, I'm 0:32:58.270 --> 0:33:01.510 not saying God has a primary love language. God is love. 0:33:01.510 --> 0:33:04.030 All five of these are in the character of God, 0:33:04.070 --> 0:33:07.630 and he expresses love in all five ways. But she 0:33:07.630 --> 0:33:10.030 said she didn't even know her own love language, which 0:33:10.030 --> 0:33:13.710 makes me wonder if she's really read the original book 0:33:14.030 --> 0:33:16.590 of the five Love Languages, because in there, I think 0:33:16.630 --> 0:33:21.070 she probably would discover her love language. Uh, but again, uh, 0:33:21.070 --> 0:33:24.350 if you haven't discovered your love language in some other way. 0:33:24.350 --> 0:33:28.270 You can certainly go online and take the premium quiz, 0:33:28.470 --> 0:33:33.110 which gives you your primary love language and the dialects 0:33:33.110 --> 0:33:36.190 of that language that are most important. So I would, 0:33:36.190 --> 0:33:37.470 I would encourage that. 0:33:38.150 --> 0:33:41.950 I said on the program exactly what you said. Gary 0:33:41.950 --> 0:33:44.470 wrote the book on On God and Love language. And 0:33:44.470 --> 0:33:47.270 then I, I picked up something I said, you. She 0:33:47.270 --> 0:33:50.630 gave us a clue. Janine gave us a clue because 0:33:50.630 --> 0:33:54.790 she started. Her question was with, I was just sitting 0:33:54.790 --> 0:33:59.270 here spending time or having time with the Lord. And 0:33:59.270 --> 0:34:04.230 it's like, there it is. For her, quality time might 0:34:04.230 --> 0:34:08.070 be her love language. If if she's doing that, you know, 0:34:08.110 --> 0:34:10.670 spending that time with God and thinking these deep thoughts 0:34:10.670 --> 0:34:12.310 about God, what do you think? 0:34:12.670 --> 0:34:16.069 I would agree, Chris. I think spending quality time with 0:34:16.070 --> 0:34:19.030 God is some people's primary love language, and if so, 0:34:19.230 --> 0:34:23.589 they easily do that. Other people. It's a strain for 0:34:23.590 --> 0:34:26.790 them to sit down every day and it doesn't come 0:34:26.830 --> 0:34:29.870 natural for them. We all need it, but for some 0:34:29.870 --> 0:34:32.469 people that's easy. That's kind of the highlight of their 0:34:32.469 --> 0:34:35.509 day because quality time is their language. 0:34:36.350 --> 0:34:39.549 The love language that matters most was the topic we 0:34:39.550 --> 0:34:43.830 talked about with the parrots, and Cathy called on that program. 0:34:43.830 --> 0:34:45.190 Here's her question. 0:34:46.110 --> 0:34:50.629 I know that, um, my husband's primary love language is 0:34:50.670 --> 0:34:53.870 active services. Then the main one that he wants is 0:34:53.870 --> 0:34:55.910 for me to be able to keep the kitchen clean. 0:34:55.910 --> 0:35:00.350 And I'm having trouble meeting that love language. I mean, 0:35:00.390 --> 0:35:03.989 I physically have problems and he knows that I don't 0:35:03.989 --> 0:35:08.509 do it on purpose because I have really bad attention deficit. 0:35:08.510 --> 0:35:11.270 I go into another room and I start another project 0:35:11.270 --> 0:35:13.629 because there's so many things to do and I could 0:35:13.630 --> 0:35:16.870 be leaving everything out. And the thing is, is that, 0:35:17.030 --> 0:35:19.509 you know, he understands, but it doesn't make me be 0:35:19.550 --> 0:35:21.510 able to do what he wants me to do. 0:35:22.110 --> 0:35:24.950 So you've gone the first step, though. You know what 0:35:24.950 --> 0:35:27.870 it is. That will show love to him. So you've 0:35:27.870 --> 0:35:32.030 got that. You know, like you've gotten over that hurdle. Yes. 0:35:32.989 --> 0:35:35.670 Well, Chris, I would say it's good that she has 0:35:35.670 --> 0:35:39.710 identified her husband's primary love language. That's the first step. 0:35:40.030 --> 0:35:44.230 Acts of service. And the one thing that's really meaningful 0:35:44.230 --> 0:35:47.950 to him, she made that clear is having a clean kitchen, 0:35:47.950 --> 0:35:52.710 everything in its place. She mentions her attention deficit disorder 0:35:52.870 --> 0:35:57.310 and that that consequently plays into this. Even though she 0:35:57.350 --> 0:36:00.350 wants to do that, she her mind jumps to something 0:36:00.350 --> 0:36:02.310 else and she runs to that, and then she runs 0:36:02.310 --> 0:36:06.029 to something else. And and I can understand that. And 0:36:06.030 --> 0:36:08.750 I don't have the full answer to that. But I 0:36:08.790 --> 0:36:13.590 do think if she concentrates on the fact that this 0:36:13.590 --> 0:36:16.550 is really what is going to speak love to him 0:36:17.070 --> 0:36:21.230 and maybe make herself some notes as to what specific 0:36:21.230 --> 0:36:25.070 things need to be done and letting that be a priority. 0:36:25.870 --> 0:36:28.270 Because you know, something else runs through your mind and 0:36:28.270 --> 0:36:30.790 go to the next room and do this. But if 0:36:30.830 --> 0:36:33.750 you know that this is a priority and you make 0:36:33.750 --> 0:36:38.469 it a priority, even with some difficulty, I think you 0:36:38.469 --> 0:36:41.989 can learn to do the thing that really is meaningful 0:36:41.989 --> 0:36:45.549 to him. So that would be my thoughts. But I 0:36:45.550 --> 0:36:50.150 don't have attention deficit disorder, so I can't identify totally 0:36:50.150 --> 0:36:51.110 with that. Okay. 0:36:51.630 --> 0:36:54.750 I identify with it because I'll be, you know, working 0:36:54.750 --> 0:36:56.750 on something and then, oh, I got to do this 0:36:56.750 --> 0:36:59.630 and then, oh, the trash needs to be taken out. 0:36:59.670 --> 0:37:02.910 And you know, a half hour later, I'm somewhere else. 0:37:02.910 --> 0:37:05.430 So I get what Kathy's talking about. But I have 0:37:05.430 --> 0:37:09.950 heard you say, and this works for long distance relationships 0:37:10.070 --> 0:37:14.030 or someone who has a physical difficulty and they are 0:37:14.150 --> 0:37:17.310 are bedbound. You know, they can't do it to do 0:37:17.310 --> 0:37:21.680 anything for the other person or, you know, they can 0:37:21.719 --> 0:37:24.359 they can have a conversation, but they can't, you know, 0:37:24.400 --> 0:37:28.160 do those acts of service. I've heard you say just 0:37:28.160 --> 0:37:32.200 the expression or writing something down or saying something. If 0:37:32.200 --> 0:37:35.319 I could get up from here, here's what I would 0:37:35.320 --> 0:37:38.640 do for you. If I could keep my mind focused 0:37:38.640 --> 0:37:41.960 on something, what I would love to do is just 0:37:41.960 --> 0:37:45.240 that kind of expression to the other person. Makes a difference, 0:37:45.239 --> 0:37:45.840 doesn't it? 0:37:46.200 --> 0:37:52.680 Absolutely, Chris. Because it gives them your intention. It expresses 0:37:52.680 --> 0:37:56.560 to them what's on your heart. If I could do this, 0:37:56.880 --> 0:38:02.120 I would, because I really love you. Yes, absolutely. And 0:38:02.360 --> 0:38:06.359 we all have some limitations. They may be mental, emotional, 0:38:06.360 --> 0:38:10.360 physical limitations, but as you said, there are some people 0:38:10.360 --> 0:38:14.719 who cannot do certain things because of physical difficulties. But 0:38:14.719 --> 0:38:18.520 I think expressing what you would do If you could 0:38:19.040 --> 0:38:22.560 communicates to them on an emotional level that you love them. 0:38:23.600 --> 0:38:26.600 Gary, I want to give you one more question from 0:38:26.719 --> 0:38:30.239 the Chris Fabry live program that we had with doctors, 0:38:30.239 --> 0:38:34.000 Les and Leslie Parrott. We were talking about your book, 0:38:34.040 --> 0:38:39.560 The Love Language That Matters Most, and here's what Luis asked. 0:38:40.560 --> 0:38:45.320 Yes, I would like to ask. Uh, I understand my 0:38:45.320 --> 0:38:49.880 wife is a narcissist by what I have learned here 0:38:49.880 --> 0:38:53.919 in Moody Radio. All the shows I have spoke about it, uh. 0:38:53.920 --> 0:38:57.840 And I like to know how can I use these 0:38:57.840 --> 0:39:02.680 five love languages when a person today it might be 0:39:02.680 --> 0:39:08.560 a little loving tomorrow. It's so many different, uh, ways 0:39:08.719 --> 0:39:13.080 that she express herself that it's no matter what I do. 0:39:13.120 --> 0:39:16.000 I mean, no matter what I do as a Christian 0:39:16.040 --> 0:39:20.839 man as a loving husband. Everything is wrong and the 0:39:20.840 --> 0:39:24.840 only affection she shows is maybe when she needs something or. 0:39:27.440 --> 0:39:31.080 A triumph. Every single thing on the book. 0:39:32.640 --> 0:39:35.520 Well, you can hear his frustration. And what I hear 0:39:35.520 --> 0:39:39.399 him saying is that he really feels like he is 0:39:39.400 --> 0:39:42.560 a good husband, and he is doing everything he can 0:39:42.760 --> 0:39:45.520 to communicate that he loves her and cares for her, 0:39:46.040 --> 0:39:49.680 but it's almost like nothing ever pleases her. He's never 0:39:49.680 --> 0:39:54.320 good enough. And so he doesn't get any affirmation coming 0:39:54.320 --> 0:39:58.040 from all the things that he's doing. Uh, and I 0:39:58.040 --> 0:40:01.400 think many of our listeners can identify with that because 0:40:01.440 --> 0:40:05.239 they've probably been there themselves, because we tend to see 0:40:05.239 --> 0:40:09.319 ourselves as doing good things. And if we know the 0:40:09.320 --> 0:40:11.960 love language, we're trying to speak their love language, if 0:40:11.960 --> 0:40:15.360 we know their love language. And I'm not sure if 0:40:15.360 --> 0:40:18.160 he if he's ever really dug into that to know 0:40:18.160 --> 0:40:21.239 that he really knows what her love language is. But 0:40:21.239 --> 0:40:23.200 that would be important. I think it would be one 0:40:23.200 --> 0:40:25.000 of the first things I would say if I were 0:40:25.000 --> 0:40:28.120 counseling him in the office is, let's find out for 0:40:28.120 --> 0:40:31.960 sure that you know what your wife's primary love language is, 0:40:32.360 --> 0:40:36.440 because maybe you are expressing love to her in your mind. 0:40:36.480 --> 0:40:39.120 You're doing all kinds of things for her, but you 0:40:39.120 --> 0:40:42.120 still may not be hitting the target if you don't 0:40:42.120 --> 0:40:45.640 know what her primary love language is. So I would, 0:40:45.840 --> 0:40:50.040 I would say to him, if he hasn't taken the quiz, uh, 0:40:50.239 --> 0:40:53.919 either the free quiz or the premium quiz, I would 0:40:53.920 --> 0:40:57.480 encourage him to both of them to take it and 0:40:57.480 --> 0:41:01.799 then talk about their relationship. I can guarantee you it 0:41:01.800 --> 0:41:05.280 will open up conversation with you when you start talking 0:41:05.280 --> 0:41:08.840 about it. Now, maybe she has a problem that she's 0:41:08.840 --> 0:41:14.000 just a negative person. Her personality is negative. And in 0:41:14.120 --> 0:41:17.480 that case, it probably is not going to change unless 0:41:17.480 --> 0:41:20.359 she gets some outside help. By which I mean a 0:41:20.360 --> 0:41:23.880 Christian counselor who can sit down and help her begin 0:41:23.880 --> 0:41:28.640 to realize that the pattern that she's developed in her mind, 0:41:28.680 --> 0:41:32.240 that there's something wrong with everything. We've got to change 0:41:32.239 --> 0:41:36.880 the pattern, but it does not happen without help. So 0:41:36.880 --> 0:41:40.000 I would encourage her if she was open to that, 0:41:40.040 --> 0:41:44.120 to to get counseling and begin to recognize the positive 0:41:44.120 --> 0:41:49.000 things in life, because folks who have a negative attitude, everything, 0:41:49.000 --> 0:41:52.160 it's not just the marriage, it's everything is negative to 0:41:52.200 --> 0:41:54.840 them in their life. And it's a, it's a terrible 0:41:54.840 --> 0:41:58.520 way to live. But that pattern can be broken with 0:41:58.520 --> 0:41:59.600 the right kind of help. 0:41:59.760 --> 0:42:04.120 Yeah. And a loving spouse can be a part of that. 0:42:04.120 --> 0:42:06.799 But as you've said earlier, and you said many times, 0:42:06.800 --> 0:42:10.480 you can't change your spouse, you cannot do that. You 0:42:10.480 --> 0:42:14.490 can be an agent of change, but you can't change them. 0:42:14.489 --> 0:42:17.770 So again, we've been talking about the book, The Love 0:42:17.770 --> 0:42:20.290 Language That Matters Most. You can find out more about 0:42:20.290 --> 0:42:25.450 that as well as our featured resource today at Building relationships.us. 0:42:25.690 --> 0:42:28.610 We have time for one more question. Another written question 0:42:28.610 --> 0:42:31.930 from a single listener. Dear Doctor Chapman, I'm currently reading 0:42:31.930 --> 0:42:34.930 your book, The Five Love Languages. I'm learning so much 0:42:34.930 --> 0:42:37.649 from it. Thank you for the wisdom you share. I'm 0:42:37.690 --> 0:42:41.170 going through some struggles with my boyfriend and was wondering 0:42:41.170 --> 0:42:43.850 if you might be able to offer some advice. We 0:42:43.890 --> 0:42:46.290 have been dating for about a year and we are 0:42:46.290 --> 0:42:49.690 both over 25 years old. He's very special to me. 0:42:49.690 --> 0:42:52.530 He's a Christian like I am, and he prays every 0:42:52.570 --> 0:42:55.410 day asking God to show him ways, how to love 0:42:55.410 --> 0:42:59.850 me better and I do the same. However, I sometimes 0:42:59.850 --> 0:43:02.009 feel that he is not loving me in the way 0:43:02.010 --> 0:43:04.890 that I need, and he feels that he may not 0:43:04.890 --> 0:43:08.930 be able to love me the way I deserve. Besides this, 0:43:08.930 --> 0:43:12.450 he keeps telling me to not worry that everything will 0:43:12.450 --> 0:43:16.850 be fine. And this brings me so much comfort and relief. 0:43:17.330 --> 0:43:20.250 Do you think this is something we could overcome? We 0:43:20.290 --> 0:43:25.650 truly want this relationship to work. Sending you blessings. And 0:43:25.650 --> 0:43:28.370 then she gives her name. And I'll keep her anonymous. 0:43:28.410 --> 0:43:29.610 What would you say to her? 0:43:30.410 --> 0:43:32.089 Well, you know, Chris, first of all, I would like 0:43:32.090 --> 0:43:37.090 to know, uh, has her boyfriend read the book with her? 0:43:37.650 --> 0:43:41.649 And are they discussing this concept together? Uh, he may 0:43:41.650 --> 0:43:44.450 or may not have. She's reading the book, she says, 0:43:44.450 --> 0:43:47.530 and she's finding it very helpful. But I would say 0:43:47.530 --> 0:43:50.490 if they have not each of them read the book. 0:43:50.850 --> 0:43:55.530 Each of them taken a quiz, learned each other's learn 0:43:55.530 --> 0:44:00.250 what the primary love language is. Then if he says 0:44:00.290 --> 0:44:04.370 that I can't speak that love language, it's probably because 0:44:04.370 --> 0:44:08.050 he never received it growing up. But the good news 0:44:08.090 --> 0:44:12.930 is he can learn to speak that language. If he 0:44:12.930 --> 0:44:17.650 really loves you, and he will. If he really loves you. 0:44:17.770 --> 0:44:21.969 Because any one of these can be learned. Maybe he 0:44:22.010 --> 0:44:24.890 got negative words growing up. He was told how awful 0:44:24.930 --> 0:44:27.129 he was and all of that sort of thing. And 0:44:27.130 --> 0:44:30.170 he has a hard time knowing how to say positive words. 0:44:30.170 --> 0:44:33.489 If words of affirmation, for example, would be your love language. 0:44:34.210 --> 0:44:37.250 But any one of these love languages can be learned 0:44:37.410 --> 0:44:40.410 even if you didn't receive them as a child. And 0:44:40.410 --> 0:44:44.009 this is what dating is all about. It's helping us 0:44:44.010 --> 0:44:49.330 spend enough time together, discuss enough topics together that we 0:44:49.370 --> 0:44:53.290 see that we can have a great relationship together. And 0:44:53.290 --> 0:44:55.210 so just the fact that he says everything is going 0:44:55.250 --> 0:44:58.009 to be all right doesn't mean everything's going to be 0:44:58.010 --> 0:45:01.410 all right. Okay. Another book I would suggest the two 0:45:01.410 --> 0:45:04.370 of you work through is the book I wrote called 0:45:04.370 --> 0:45:07.210 things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. I 0:45:07.210 --> 0:45:10.529 mentioned this earlier in the program, But because I think 0:45:10.530 --> 0:45:13.169 as a dating couple who are serious and obviously you 0:45:13.170 --> 0:45:16.370 are working through that book would help you not only 0:45:16.370 --> 0:45:19.810 with the love languages, but with several other topics that 0:45:19.810 --> 0:45:22.290 are important to be discussed before you get married. 0:45:22.810 --> 0:45:24.930 And I think that that she said it brought her 0:45:24.930 --> 0:45:27.930 comfort when he says, everything's going to work out, everything's 0:45:27.930 --> 0:45:32.170 going to be fine. To me, that sometimes can be 0:45:32.170 --> 0:45:35.330 used to shut down the struggle, you know, shut down 0:45:35.330 --> 0:45:38.129 the feelings that are there to just say, look, it's 0:45:38.130 --> 0:45:40.489 going to work out. Well, we'll work it out. A 0:45:40.530 --> 0:45:42.810 lot of people say that before they get married, and 0:45:42.810 --> 0:45:46.129 they never deal with their finances, or who's going to 0:45:46.610 --> 0:45:49.090 cook the dinner, or do take out the trash and 0:45:49.130 --> 0:45:51.450 mow the yard and all that kind of stuff you've got. 0:45:51.489 --> 0:45:55.370 It's hard to stick with those things and to hash 0:45:55.370 --> 0:45:58.170 them out. But I think it's, you know, saying everything 0:45:58.170 --> 0:46:00.649 is going to be fine can be a way to 0:46:00.690 --> 0:46:02.810 kind of push that other person away. 0:46:03.570 --> 0:46:07.410 Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. And, and often that 0:46:07.410 --> 0:46:09.090 it's saying, I don't want to. I don't want to 0:46:09.090 --> 0:46:10.690 talk about. Let's don't talk about it. Let's don't talk 0:46:10.690 --> 0:46:12.810 about it. It's going to work out. All right. You see, 0:46:12.810 --> 0:46:15.129 when you're in love, you think everything's going to work 0:46:15.130 --> 0:46:18.370 out all right. But that in love experience that the 0:46:18.370 --> 0:46:21.890 two of you feel has an average lifespan of two years. 0:46:22.290 --> 0:46:25.930 You've been dating already? One year. We all come down 0:46:25.930 --> 0:46:28.730 off that high, and that's why we have to look 0:46:28.730 --> 0:46:31.890 at a lot of these other things, uh, not just 0:46:31.890 --> 0:46:34.529 those feelings of love, because they're not going to carry 0:46:34.570 --> 0:46:37.690 us through. And so you work through that book, 12 0:46:37.730 --> 0:46:40.770 things that I know now wish I had known. Chances are, 0:46:40.810 --> 0:46:43.410 by the time you finish that, you're going to make 0:46:43.410 --> 0:46:46.330 some real progress or you're going to realize, you know, 0:46:46.370 --> 0:46:48.850 we're not meant for each other. We're not we're not 0:46:48.850 --> 0:46:52.690 making the positive things that need to be done now. Okay. 0:46:53.610 --> 0:46:56.009 As we end the program today, I want to play 0:46:56.010 --> 0:46:59.410 for you, the winner for the shortest call on record 0:46:59.410 --> 0:47:02.610 and the most meaningful. Listen to this. 0:47:03.290 --> 0:47:06.610 Hey, Gary, I just want to say thank you for 0:47:06.650 --> 0:47:07.940 for the work you do. 0:47:09.260 --> 0:47:11.660 Chris, I don't think we've ever had a call like that. 0:47:12.140 --> 0:47:15.620 I know I have had people tell me, I appreciate 0:47:15.620 --> 0:47:17.700 the work you do and then talk about a whole 0:47:17.700 --> 0:47:21.860 lot of other things. But obviously it does seem that 0:47:21.860 --> 0:47:25.060 some of the works that I've done have influenced his life, 0:47:25.460 --> 0:47:28.540 and he's expressing it out of a out of a 0:47:28.540 --> 0:47:32.980 heart of gratitude. And obviously that's very encouraging to me 0:47:33.260 --> 0:47:34.940 and would be to any author. 0:47:35.500 --> 0:47:39.980 Well, he's made a connection with you and I understand that. 0:47:39.980 --> 0:47:42.180 And it sounds like, you know, we have no idea 0:47:42.500 --> 0:47:45.980 what has happened in his life that you've spoken into. 0:47:46.300 --> 0:47:50.540 But we also know that there's somebody else speaking through you, Gary, 0:47:50.580 --> 0:47:54.140 that it's not just you talking here. So, uh, I 0:47:54.180 --> 0:47:57.300 echo and a lot of listeners are echoing that same thing. 0:47:57.500 --> 0:48:00.500 Thank you for what you have done and are doing 0:48:00.500 --> 0:48:04.260 and will do by the power of God at work 0:48:04.260 --> 0:48:06.460 in you. I want to give that phone number one 0:48:06.460 --> 0:48:10.020 more time. 866424. Gary. Do you have a question? You 0:48:10.020 --> 0:48:17.459 have a comment, maybe a short comment. Thank you. Gary. (866) 424-4279. 0:48:17.580 --> 0:48:20.819 And if you go to building relationships.us you'll see the 0:48:20.820 --> 0:48:25.740 five languages of appreciation in the workplace. A featured resource 0:48:25.739 --> 0:48:28.700 today go to building relationships.us. 0:48:29.300 --> 0:48:33.540 And next week how to find a friend and be 0:48:33.540 --> 0:48:35.980 the kind of friend you want to be. 0:48:36.260 --> 0:48:39.820 Becky Harling will encourage us to befriend wise in one week. 0:48:40.180 --> 0:48:42.780 Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve 0:48:42.780 --> 0:48:47.020 Wick and Janice. Backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman 0:48:47.020 --> 0:48:50.580 is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association 0:48:50.580 --> 0:48:54.900 with Moody Publishers, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks 0:48:54.900 --> 0:48:55.660 for listening.