1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,840 S1: It's a breakthrough Monday edition of Chris Avery Live and 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,760 S1: today at the Radio Backyard Fence. He is back that 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,480 S1: New York Times best selling author of The Five Love Languages, 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,279 S1: wants to help you take the pivotal next step in 5 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 S1: the love language revolution. Here is my question to you 6 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:25,360 S1: do you know your spouse's love language? Okay, if you do, 7 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,280 S1: what is his or her favorite dialect? Not what's their 8 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:34,400 S1: love language? You may know that. What dialect do they 9 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,800 S1: connect with the most and what is your dialect and 10 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,800 S1: what in the world is a dialect? Think about that 11 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,160 S1: as we begin a new week, a new month with 12 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:47,040 S1: a new thank you to our supporters at the back fence. 13 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,199 S1: I'll tell you more about that straight ahead on the program. 14 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,239 S1: From the heart to the heart or the heart, let 15 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,479 S1: me thank our team behind the scenes. Ryan McConaughey doing 16 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,200 S1: all things technical. Trish is our producer. Josh will be 17 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,320 S1: answering your calls today. And thank you friends and partners 18 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,470 S1: for your help. In January, we reached our financial goal. 19 00:01:02,510 --> 00:01:05,510 S1: Because of you, we were almost there for the people. 20 00:01:05,550 --> 00:01:09,709 S1: We were one person away in January from our people 21 00:01:09,709 --> 00:01:12,870 S1: who were calling in clicking through. So thank you for 22 00:01:12,870 --> 00:01:16,470 S1: your response. Now, since February is here, I get to 23 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,990 S1: choose our thank you each month. And when I heard 24 00:01:18,990 --> 00:01:21,869 S1: about Doctor Chapman's new book that he's written along with 25 00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:25,030 S1: doctors Les and Leslie Parrott, I thought, let's give that 26 00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:28,429 S1: to listeners in This Month of Love in February, it's 27 00:01:28,430 --> 00:01:33,309 S1: titled The Love Language That Matters Most How to Personalize Love. 28 00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:37,390 S1: So they really feel it, whoever they is. If you 29 00:01:37,390 --> 00:01:39,750 S1: give a gift of any size today, you will receive 30 00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:43,630 S1: that as our thank you this month. Call or click 31 00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:54,870 S1: through 8669538669532279 or just go to Chris Dot. Scroll down. 32 00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:57,390 S1: You'll see it right there. If you've read the five 33 00:01:57,430 --> 00:02:00,810 S1: love languages, This is a way to go deeper as 34 00:02:00,810 --> 00:02:03,490 S1: you're about to hear in the conversation that's straight ahead. 35 00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:07,010 S1: Let's go to the website, Chris, and thank you for 36 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:10,530 S1: your support of the radio backyard fence. I don't. I've 37 00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:13,370 S1: heard this so often. He needs no introduction. Do I 38 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:16,370 S1: really even need to introduce Doctor Gary Chapman? I'll do 39 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,970 S1: it anyway. New York Times best selling author. The five 40 00:02:19,010 --> 00:02:22,010 S1: Love Languages host of A Love Language Minute and Building 41 00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:25,250 S1: Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, heard on Moody Radio. For 42 00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:28,290 S1: more than 50 years, he was an associate pastor and 43 00:02:28,290 --> 00:02:32,290 S1: marriage counselor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. 44 00:02:32,290 --> 00:02:35,329 S1: He's retired from that. He still has an office there, though, 45 00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:37,730 S1: so you probably see him in the hallway. His new 46 00:02:37,730 --> 00:02:40,810 S1: book is, as I just mentioned, written with the parrots, 47 00:02:40,850 --> 00:02:44,609 S1: the love language that matters most. Doctor Chapman, welcome back. 48 00:02:44,610 --> 00:02:45,650 S1: How you doing today? 49 00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:49,369 S2: Well thank you, Chris, I'm doing well. We're snowed in 50 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,090 S2: in North Carolina, but I'm doing fine. 51 00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:56,810 S1: I rarely get any kind of communication outside of, you 52 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,720 S1: doing radio programs with Gary. But on Saturday I got 53 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:03,280 S1: this text, Chris call me. And it was because of 54 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,360 S1: that ice storm that came through and you were worried, 55 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,160 S1: you know, you wouldn't be able to get to the studio. 56 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,840 S1: And since I'm hearing you on the phone, that happened 57 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:11,960 S1: to be true, didn't it? 58 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,480 S2: Absolutely. We got 8 to 10in of snow, and that 59 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,040 S2: was on top of about four inches of ice that 60 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,519 S2: we got the weekend before. And in North Carolina we 61 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:24,560 S2: can't handle that. 62 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,600 S1: Well, and you were telling me that you were supposed 63 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:33,440 S1: to be speaking in California. I think it was on Friday. 64 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,200 S1: And for the first time, or maybe it was Saturday. 65 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,400 S1: For the first time in 40 or 50 years, you 66 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,840 S1: had to cancel that, even though you still did it 67 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,720 S1: on zoom. You you had to cancel the trip, right? 68 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,400 S2: I did, Chris. And as you just said, I had 69 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:52,520 S2: never canceled a trip before. Uh, but it worked out 70 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:56,030 S2: thanks to zoom, you know? Uh, I Still had the 71 00:03:56,030 --> 00:03:58,230 S2: chance to speak to the folks, and it wasn't like 72 00:03:58,230 --> 00:04:00,870 S2: being there because I liked to interface with people at 73 00:04:00,870 --> 00:04:03,750 S2: the break times and all of that. But, uh, at 74 00:04:03,790 --> 00:04:05,350 S2: least I shared the information. 75 00:04:05,790 --> 00:04:09,430 S1: Yes. Well, and that just shows you know how committed 76 00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:11,790 S1: you are. And I've said to people, you know, how 77 00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:14,190 S1: long is Doctor Chapman going to do this? They've asked 78 00:04:14,390 --> 00:04:18,190 S1: and I said he is just he is so energized 79 00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:21,270 S1: by standing in front of people, you know, doing the 80 00:04:21,270 --> 00:04:24,550 S1: radio thing. You like doing the radio thing. But I 81 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:27,390 S1: think the thing you like most is looking people in 82 00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:31,669 S1: the eye and speaking to them, uh, not one on one, 83 00:04:31,670 --> 00:04:34,150 S1: but I mean, you like that too, but speaking to 84 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:35,750 S1: them in in person. 85 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:41,670 S2: Yeah. No question about that. There's there's no substitute for that. And, uh, 86 00:04:41,670 --> 00:04:44,630 S2: I really enjoy it. And I enjoy hanging out with 87 00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:46,950 S2: the people at break times and before and after the 88 00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:48,990 S2: meetings and all of that, you know? So it's not 89 00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,710 S2: just speaking, it's also getting feedback from people. 90 00:04:52,029 --> 00:04:56,460 S1: Yes. And my guess is that that is why this 91 00:04:56,460 --> 00:04:59,339 S1: new book has come out, that you have heard people say, 92 00:04:59,339 --> 00:05:02,060 S1: in the brakes or on the plane or wherever you are. 93 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:06,179 S1: Five Love Languages has helped me. It's transformed my marriage. 94 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,820 S1: But there are others who've said, I tried this. I 95 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:13,420 S1: speak my spouse's love language or the person that I 96 00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:16,660 S1: care about, but it's just not working. Is that the 97 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:18,060 S1: impetus for the new book? 98 00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:21,740 S2: Yeah, that's part of it. And the other the other 99 00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:23,900 S2: part of it is many people have said to me 100 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:27,380 S2: through the years, you know, in in your book you 101 00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:31,100 S2: mentioned that there are dialects to these languages, but you 102 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,020 S2: don't you don't name what any of the dialects are. 103 00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:39,180 S2: And you also mentioned personality and personality differences, but you 104 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:43,820 S2: don't explain how the personality interfaces with the love languages. 105 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:48,020 S2: And so those are two other questions that that stimulated 106 00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:49,580 S2: me to write this book. 107 00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:54,440 S1: Yeah. And the parrots have come alongside you. Here you 108 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,960 S1: have less and less doctors less and Leslie, who do 109 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,640 S1: an awful lot of research and an awful lot of 110 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,839 S1: asking questions of other people to even go deeper. Right? 111 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,839 S2: Yeah. And that's why I joined up with them, because 112 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,240 S2: I've admired them for years. As you know, they've written 113 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,040 S2: many books on marriage. Uh, I guess maybe one of 114 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,360 S2: their most famous books is, uh, saving your marriage before 115 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:20,520 S2: it starts. Uh, for people who are thinking about getting married, uh, 116 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,000 S2: which is a great resource. And so and I've known them, 117 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,599 S2: spoken with them in various and sundry places. And I thought, 118 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,400 S2: you know, I'm going to get them to help me 119 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,560 S2: here on this. And so we wrote it together, and 120 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,440 S2: it was a great experience in writing it. 121 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,920 S1: Yeah. Well, here's what I want to do. I want 122 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,200 S1: to go through all five of the love languages and 123 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,880 S1: we'll talk about, you know, what that love language is. 124 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,800 S1: And then we're going to go into the dialects. And 125 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,160 S1: I want to open the phone lines. If you are 126 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,719 S1: in that category and you've said, I know my spouse's 127 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:55,870 S1: love language or what? My children. Mother. Father. I know 128 00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,990 S1: their love language and I've been speaking it, but it's 129 00:06:57,990 --> 00:07:01,390 S1: still not getting through. If that's you, I want to 130 00:07:01,390 --> 00:07:04,230 S1: give you an opportunity to talk with Doctor Chapman. You 131 00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:14,910 S1: have a question or comment? 87754836758775483675. And if you go 132 00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:19,430 S1: to Chris Dot, you'll see that our thank you this 133 00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:24,110 S1: month is today's featured resource the love language that matters most. 134 00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:41,470 S1: Find out more Chris. I can't believe it's been 34 years. 135 00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:47,910 S1: 34 years ago, 1992. My math is correct. It's 34. Uh, 136 00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:50,540 S1: the five Love languages came out. As a matter of fact, 137 00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:53,940 S1: I have these memories of my wife, Andrea, having Doctor 138 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,940 S1: Chapman on the Midday Connection program, which she hosted. That 139 00:07:56,940 --> 00:08:01,020 S1: and them talking about words of affirmation and quality time 140 00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:04,220 S1: and receiving gifts and acts of service and physical touch. 141 00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:07,900 S1: And these are the five love languages. And it's how 142 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:12,180 S1: many books, Gary, the book that's written 34 years ago, 143 00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:15,940 S1: doesn't stay in print that long, let alone remains a 144 00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:16,700 S1: best seller. 145 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:23,580 S2: Chris, my only explanation for that is God. Uh, I 146 00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:26,060 S2: just think, uh, you know, God has had his hand 147 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:29,020 S2: on this book on the human level. I think what 148 00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:32,380 S2: has happened is people have read it and the lights 149 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:36,540 S2: come on and they realize, oh, this is what's going on. 150 00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:41,300 S2: And they've taken the quiz. They've learned each other's love language. And, uh, 151 00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:43,740 S2: and then they want their brother and his wife to 152 00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:46,100 S2: read it, so they start giving it away. I had 153 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:49,370 S2: a couple tell me not long ago So, you know, 154 00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:52,370 S2: before we got married, four different people gave us a 155 00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:57,689 S2: copy of The Five Love Languages. I said, well, you 156 00:08:57,730 --> 00:08:59,730 S2: keep one of them and you pass the others along 157 00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:01,010 S2: to three other couples. 158 00:09:02,370 --> 00:09:05,690 S1: That is a great idea. And it's, you know, and 159 00:09:05,690 --> 00:09:09,370 S1: it's gotten into the culture, too, because we've talked about this, 160 00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:12,410 S1: you know, from the secular mindset. Even people who are 161 00:09:12,410 --> 00:09:17,330 S1: outside the church read this and they're reading biblical truth, 162 00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:20,330 S1: and they either know it or don't know it. And 163 00:09:20,330 --> 00:09:23,410 S1: and it's like, if it works, it works, right? 164 00:09:23,890 --> 00:09:26,410 S2: Yeah. You're right. And I wrote it on purpose with 165 00:09:26,410 --> 00:09:30,690 S2: the non-Christians in mind. Uh, you know, the Christians will 166 00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:33,250 S2: know that all five of these languages are in the Bible, 167 00:09:33,809 --> 00:09:36,250 S2: and God speaks all five. In fact, I wrote a 168 00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:39,650 S2: book called God Speaks Your Love Language. He speaks all 169 00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:43,690 S2: five of them. Uh, but I wrote it with non-Christians 170 00:09:43,690 --> 00:09:46,010 S2: in mind so that they wouldn't I didn't put a 171 00:09:46,050 --> 00:09:48,590 S2: lot of scriptures, you know, because they may read the 172 00:09:48,590 --> 00:09:50,870 S2: first chapter or two and say, oh man, this is 173 00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:54,390 S2: a religious book, and throw it aside. And so many, many, 174 00:09:54,390 --> 00:09:57,510 S2: many non-Christians have found this book to be very helpful 175 00:09:57,510 --> 00:09:59,429 S2: in their marriage. And at the end, at the end 176 00:09:59,429 --> 00:10:03,309 S2: of that book, the original book, I say something like, 177 00:10:03,350 --> 00:10:06,510 S2: you know, what I've given you is information on how 178 00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:10,310 S2: to effectively communicate love on an emotional level to the 179 00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:14,949 S2: other person. I can't give you motivation, but I can 180 00:10:14,950 --> 00:10:17,710 S2: tell you where I got my motivation and I share 181 00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:21,270 S2: my relationship with God, you know? And that's what motivates 182 00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:24,310 S2: me because the whole Jesus said, this is the way 183 00:10:24,870 --> 00:10:27,510 S2: non-Christians will know you're my disciples by the way you 184 00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:31,150 S2: love each other. So love has always been in my 185 00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:34,830 S2: life since I've been following Christ. The key issue and, uh, 186 00:10:34,830 --> 00:10:36,630 S2: and so I see this as you know, it's kind 187 00:10:36,630 --> 00:10:39,190 S2: of a pre evangelism book. People read it who are 188 00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:42,470 S2: non-Christians and think, well, man, this this makes sense. You know, 189 00:10:42,510 --> 00:10:45,470 S2: maybe I'll read something else. He wrote. And some of 190 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,340 S2: my other books, of course, are more overtly Christian, where 191 00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:50,540 S2: I include scriptures and all of that, you know. 192 00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:54,220 S1: So yeah. So the you just said a phrase, the 193 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:57,860 S1: people will read this and the light comes on and 194 00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:01,740 S1: they see, oh, that's right, my spouse or I feel 195 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,700 S1: love when this happens to me, when somebody gives a 196 00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:07,740 S1: gift or they spend time with me or say something 197 00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:12,300 S1: positive words of affirmation. But I think this new book 198 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:16,100 S1: is is like a spotlight. It's a white hot spotlight 199 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:20,460 S1: where you're narrowing down on the individual love language and 200 00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,900 S1: getting into those dialects. So before we do that, just 201 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,540 S1: in case there's anybody who's never heard these, um, I 202 00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,420 S1: can't imagine there is anybody, but let's say there is 203 00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:32,780 S1: someone go through the five love languages. 204 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:38,300 S2: Okay? One is words of affirmation saying such things as, uh, 205 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:41,700 S2: you look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what 206 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,650 S2: you did. You know, one of the things I like 207 00:11:44,690 --> 00:11:48,569 S2: about you, it's just using words to affirm the other person. 208 00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:52,929 S2: And then there's acts of service. Doing something for the 209 00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,329 S2: other person that you know they would like for you 210 00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:58,010 S2: to do in a marriage, that would be such things 211 00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:02,330 S2: as cooking meals, washing dishes, mowing the grass, uh, you know, 212 00:12:02,370 --> 00:12:07,210 S2: walking the dog, changing the baby's diaper. I mean, anything, uh, 213 00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:11,250 S2: you know, there's an old saying, actions speak louder than words. 214 00:12:11,890 --> 00:12:15,449 S2: If this is their love language, actions will speak louder 215 00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:17,810 S2: than words. It's not true for everyone, but it's true 216 00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:22,450 S2: for them. And then, uh, there's gifts. Uh, it's universal 217 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,490 S2: to give gifts as an expression of love. And the 218 00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:29,170 S2: gift says, oh, they were thinking about me. Look what 219 00:12:29,170 --> 00:12:32,929 S2: they got for me. And then, uh, there's, uh, quality 220 00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:38,330 S2: time giving the person your undivided attention. I'm not talking 221 00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:41,650 S2: about sitting on the couch watching TV because someone else is. 222 00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:46,240 S2: Your attention. TV is off. Computer is down. We're not 223 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:50,080 S2: answering our phone. We're sitting there sharing life with each other. 224 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,719 S2: And you don't have to be sitting there. You can 225 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,960 S2: be walking down the road and talking to each other 226 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,400 S2: and sharing. It doesn't have to be talking. It can 227 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,800 S2: be doing something with the other person that you know 228 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:02,040 S2: they would like for you to do. Maybe planting a 229 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,760 S2: little garden, a flower garden in the front yard, but 230 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,480 S2: you're giving them your full attention to something that they 231 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,760 S2: are interested in. And then number five is physical touch. 232 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,960 S2: And we've long known the emotional power of physical touch. 233 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,200 S2: That's why we pick up babies and hold them and 234 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,080 S2: kiss them and cuddle them. And long before the baby 235 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,920 S2: understands the meaning of the word love. The baby feels love. 236 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,560 S2: And so those are the five languages. And of course, 237 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:32,040 S2: the basic concept is that each of us, whether we're 238 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,160 S2: married or single, we have a primary love language. One 239 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,960 S2: of these five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than 240 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,459 S2: the other four. Now we're not going to turn away 241 00:13:42,460 --> 00:13:44,780 S2: any one of them. They're all fine. But if we 242 00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:47,820 S2: don't receive love in our primary language, we will not 243 00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:51,220 S2: feel loved. Even though the person may be speaking love 244 00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:52,900 S2: in one of the other languages. 245 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,820 S1: So when you wrote the book with Doctor Jennifer Thomas 246 00:13:56,820 --> 00:14:01,300 S1: about a language of apology, it came out that, you know, 247 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,140 S1: someone would say they're sorry. And then the other person 248 00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:06,819 S1: would say, well, you never asked for forgiveness. You know, 249 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:09,620 S1: you didn't really say you were sorry. They didn't hear it. 250 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:13,020 S1: And it's the same thing with the love languages. It's 251 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,580 S1: like I've been telling you I loved you. I did 252 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:18,340 S1: all those things for you. I did, you know, mow 253 00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,660 S1: the yard. I shoveled the walk. You know, my back 254 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,740 S1: hurts because I, you know, the ice that's out there. 255 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,700 S1: You know, I did that for you. But that wasn't 256 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,580 S1: the main thing that the other person feels the way 257 00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:31,540 S1: that they feel love. Right. 258 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:35,740 S2: Yeah. That's right. It's not enough to be sincere. You know, 259 00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:38,980 S2: a husband who's doing acts of service for his wife. Typically, 260 00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:41,570 S2: he's sincere in his mind. This is the way you 261 00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:44,370 S2: show love to her. But if her love language is 262 00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:48,810 S2: quality time, you know she appreciates those things. But what 263 00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:52,050 S2: she's saying in her heart is, I want. I want 264 00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:53,810 S2: us to get to know each other. I want us 265 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,930 S2: to share life with each other. I want us to 266 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:59,010 S2: dream together and talk and share life and talk about 267 00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:02,530 S2: things that presently and in the future. She's she's begging 268 00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:05,890 S2: for quality time, and he's giving acts of service. So 269 00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:09,450 S2: and and this is again, what motivated me once I 270 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:12,770 S2: discovered this in my counseling is what motivated me to 271 00:15:12,810 --> 00:15:15,890 S2: write that original book is because I believe that there 272 00:15:15,890 --> 00:15:19,210 S2: were many people who were in their mind. They were 273 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:23,050 S2: loving their spouse, but they were speaking their own language 274 00:15:23,050 --> 00:15:26,370 S2: or what they'd been taught to do, uh, rather than 275 00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:28,650 S2: the the love language of the other person. 276 00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:33,530 S1: Of those five, when you look at society in general, 277 00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:37,330 S1: is there one that's more often chosen than another? 278 00:15:38,530 --> 00:15:41,200 S2: Well, I think number one is, is the one that's 279 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,880 S2: chosen more often. It's about, I don't know, 38% something 280 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,760 S2: like that to speak words of affirmation. It's their primary language. 281 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,680 S1: Okay. So words is number one. So let's start there 282 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:58,520 S1: with the dialects. So words means you are expressing gratitude. 283 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:02,800 S1: You're expressing appreciation of some sort. What are the different 284 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,800 S1: dialects then of those words of affirmation. 285 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:12,120 S2: Well one of them would be uh, encouragement, words of encouragement. Um, 286 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,160 S2: the lady says to her husband, you know, honey, I 287 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,080 S2: know you're going to be speaking at your your your 288 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,800 S2: dad's funeral tomorrow. And I just want you to tell 289 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,080 S2: you you're going to do a great job. I know 290 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,800 S2: you're going to be a great job. People are going 291 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,360 S2: to love that. I'm so glad that you're doing that. 292 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,840 S2: She's just encouraging him to do something that's on his schedule, 293 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,560 S2: giving him encouraging words. And then another one is, uh, 294 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:39,070 S2: compliments simply things about them that you can give honest compliments. 295 00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,550 S2: It can be something about, you know, you look you 296 00:16:42,550 --> 00:16:44,950 S2: look nice in that outfit, or, you know, your hair 297 00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:47,950 S2: looks really beautiful today. Or one of the things I 298 00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:51,030 S2: like about you is your smile. I mean, you just 299 00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:54,270 S2: come alive when you smile. So it can be something 300 00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:57,230 S2: about their personality. You know, I love the fact that 301 00:16:57,230 --> 00:17:00,590 S2: you are. You're really outgoing. You reach out to people. 302 00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:04,230 S2: You take the initiative to build friendships. Or you. You 303 00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:06,950 S2: call folks on the phone to encourage them. I really 304 00:17:06,990 --> 00:17:09,590 S2: I just really like that about you. It's a compliment 305 00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:13,390 S2: about some aspect of their life. And then the other 306 00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:18,670 S2: one is or another one is appreciation. Expressing appreciation for 307 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:23,110 S2: something they have done for you. Uh, you know, uh, 308 00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:26,510 S2: if they say, honey, I really appreciate the fact that 309 00:17:26,510 --> 00:17:29,750 S2: you wash the dishes every night. You know, it just. 310 00:17:30,190 --> 00:17:32,030 S2: I can't tell you how much that means to me. 311 00:17:32,030 --> 00:17:36,190 S2: I really appreciate that. Or if they cook a meal, 312 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,700 S2: You know, I want you to know I don't take 313 00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,939 S2: this for granted that you cook a meal. You know, 314 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:43,540 S2: almost every night except the night we go out and 315 00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:46,940 S2: our date night. But I don't take that for granted, honey. 316 00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:51,419 S2: I really, really appreciate that. So these are just different dialects. 317 00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:56,580 S2: We're calling them different nuances. But out of the. For 318 00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:59,740 S2: those of us who speak words of affirmation, each of us, 319 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:03,340 S2: one of these dialects will likely stand out more than 320 00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:05,780 S2: the others to us. And so if you want to 321 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:10,740 S2: be really effective in communicating love in their language, then 322 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:13,619 S2: that's the one you want to focus in on. All 323 00:18:13,619 --> 00:18:16,179 S2: of them are fine, but you want to focus in 324 00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:19,180 S2: on the one that is their primary dialect. 325 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:24,820 S1: Just looking at those three encouragement, compliments, and appreciation, it 326 00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:28,780 S1: looks like you can have, uh, past, present and future 327 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:34,139 S1: there because appreciation is something that they did in the 328 00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:37,720 S1: past or something of a character trait that they had 329 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:42,040 S1: showed in the past, that you notice compliments is something 330 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,439 S1: that's here in the present, and then encouragement is something 331 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,120 S1: about that that will happen in the future so that 332 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:51,280 S1: you're pushing them forward. Had you thought of that yet? 333 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,320 S2: To be honest, I have not. 334 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:55,880 S1: Yay! 335 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,960 S2: Maybe I need to add that. 336 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,760 S1: Well, and and here's the other thing. If you've got 337 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,520 S1: a spouse or somebody that you want to communicate love 338 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,600 S1: to and they have had a hard life, or they 339 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:15,240 S1: have been beaten down by others with words, they have 340 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,040 S1: an inferiority complex, or they had some tension with their 341 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,399 S1: parents in the past because they were always criticized. If 342 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:27,920 S1: you know that, then you can pretty much, uh, associate 343 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:33,520 S1: encouragement with them or move toward that in order to 344 00:19:33,670 --> 00:19:36,590 S1: help overcome some of those things that were said to 345 00:19:36,630 --> 00:19:38,550 S1: them in the past. Does that make sense? 346 00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:41,830 S2: Yeah, no question about it. Uh, a person who grew 347 00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:45,830 S2: up in a home where they were not, uh, did 348 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:48,990 S2: not get words of appreciation. They got critical words. They 349 00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:52,310 S2: told what was wrong with them. Uh, their love tank 350 00:19:52,350 --> 00:19:55,310 S2: is empty, and it's going to take a lot of 351 00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:59,550 S2: affirmation on the other side. And if words turns out 352 00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:01,669 S2: to be their primary language, it's going to take a 353 00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:05,630 S2: lot of words. And and we're never saying you only 354 00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:10,070 S2: speak the primary language and the primary dialect. We're just saying, 355 00:20:10,430 --> 00:20:13,070 S2: you know, that's the one that really speaks most deeply 356 00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:17,550 S2: to them. But if it's words of affirmation, any one 357 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,590 S2: of these three are going to be helpful. Now, sometimes, 358 00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:23,590 S2: of course, we don't understand the situation, like the lady 359 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,629 S2: who was encouraging her husband and telling him what a 360 00:20:26,630 --> 00:20:28,590 S2: good job he was going to do at speaking at 361 00:20:28,590 --> 00:20:32,380 S2: his father's funeral. Well, she didn't understand was he felt 362 00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:35,700 S2: pressured by that, and later on he told her, I 363 00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:38,700 S2: really appreciate you trying to encourage me, but it kind 364 00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:40,699 S2: of puts a lot of pressure on me that I've 365 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,060 S2: got to be perfect, you know, tomorrow and I don't 366 00:20:44,060 --> 00:20:46,300 S2: know if I can be perfect. And she said, oh, honey, 367 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:48,859 S2: I didn't mean to communicate that. She said, you know, 368 00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:52,140 S2: you don't have to be perfect. I just think it's 369 00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:54,100 S2: good that you're going to be doing this. You know, 370 00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:57,540 S2: so it can be taken in a different way if 371 00:20:57,540 --> 00:21:01,740 S2: it's not their primary, uh, dialect. And so the dialects 372 00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:02,820 S2: are really important. 373 00:21:03,619 --> 00:21:06,899 S1: You know what that's that example speaks to me is 374 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:09,980 S1: the importance of communication. Because he could have she could 375 00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:12,980 S1: have not said that at all. First of all. But 376 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,939 S1: she did. And then he could have not responded to 377 00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:19,420 S1: her and said, you know, that really made me, you know, 378 00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:22,060 S1: this is how I felt, felt a little pressure with that. 379 00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:24,020 S1: He could have held that back because he could say, well, 380 00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:25,980 S1: she's just trying to encourage me and I'm not going 381 00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:28,460 S1: to let it bother me. And he stuffs it down. 382 00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:32,520 S1: And then, you know, the conflict comes. What you're describing 383 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:39,080 S1: is actually a really good relationship that is built on truth, 384 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,080 S1: rather than trying to keep everything nice. Right. 385 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,400 S2: Absolutely, Chris. And that's why communication is so important in 386 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:52,360 S2: a relationship, is sharing things with your spouse interpretations that 387 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,440 S2: you have of what they said or did? Uh, it's 388 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,040 S2: just bothering you. Uh, and to say what I encourage 389 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,959 S2: couples is you say to your spouse, honey, if something 390 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,840 S2: if something was bothering me, would this be a good 391 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,800 S2: time to share it with you? You don't just hit 392 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,160 S2: them with it, you know, because you don't know what 393 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:13,000 S2: their emotional state is at the moment. But if you 394 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,040 S2: ask that and they say, well, yeah, honey, sure. Or 395 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,199 S2: maybe they say, honey, no, right now, I'm sorry I 396 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,639 S2: got this in my mind. I've got to finish this first. Okay, fine. 397 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,360 S2: They'll come back in 30 minutes and say, okay, what's 398 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,200 S2: bothering you? Well, now you have their attention and you 399 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,070 S2: have their permission to share it. and it's in a 400 00:22:30,070 --> 00:22:34,869 S2: time and place that's meaningful to them, you know. So man, communication. 401 00:22:35,190 --> 00:22:38,990 S2: You know, I've said many others have said communication is 402 00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:44,070 S2: to a marriage what oxygen is to the body. Without it, 403 00:22:44,109 --> 00:22:45,230 S2: you're not going far. 404 00:22:46,869 --> 00:22:49,629 S1: I love what you're talking about here, Gary. Today. And 405 00:22:49,630 --> 00:22:55,270 S1: I want to open the phone lines at (877) 548-3675. Is 406 00:22:55,270 --> 00:22:57,990 S1: there anybody. And you could be married or not married. 407 00:22:57,990 --> 00:23:01,990 S1: And there's somebody you're trying to communicate love to, but 408 00:23:02,030 --> 00:23:05,990 S1: especially if you're married. And over this weekend, I remember 409 00:23:05,990 --> 00:23:08,869 S1: Andrea used to have you on on Mondays because Mondays 410 00:23:08,869 --> 00:23:11,630 S1: was the marriage day, because usually we'd fight on Saturday, 411 00:23:12,190 --> 00:23:14,590 S1: we'd fight on Saturday, and Sunday we'd come to Monday. 412 00:23:14,590 --> 00:23:18,230 S1: We needed help. So maybe something happened over this weekend 413 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:22,030 S1: with you and your spouse, and you're wondering, how do 414 00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:25,110 S1: I how do I find that love language? Or I 415 00:23:25,109 --> 00:23:27,350 S1: know the love language, but how do I narrow down 416 00:23:27,350 --> 00:23:32,380 S1: on the dialect, not to manipulate them, but to really 417 00:23:32,380 --> 00:23:35,899 S1: speak what is inside of my heart. Anything like that 418 00:23:35,900 --> 00:23:37,580 S1: is going on in your life. I'd like to hear 419 00:23:37,580 --> 00:23:40,340 S1: from you. Or if you say, I've always wanted to 420 00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:47,340 S1: ask Doctor Gary Chapman this question. Here's the number (877) 548-3675. 421 00:23:47,540 --> 00:23:49,660 S1: We'll go to your calls right after we take a 422 00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:56,580 S1: quick break here in a couple of minutes. (877) 548-3675. Why 423 00:23:56,580 --> 00:24:00,300 S1: don't you go to quality time and describe the dialects 424 00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:02,740 S1: of quality time before we take a break, Gary. 425 00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:08,860 S2: Okay. Quality time. One is is improvising. That is, this 426 00:24:08,859 --> 00:24:11,419 S2: is the kind of person that would say on Friday 427 00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:15,220 S2: night at dinner, honey, why don't we get up early 428 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,699 S2: in the morning and go, go take a hike in 429 00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:22,540 S2: the mountains and just be together all day? And she's saying, honey, 430 00:24:22,580 --> 00:24:27,610 S2: I've got Saturday already planned, you know, so he's an improviser, 431 00:24:27,650 --> 00:24:29,570 S2: you know, for him. You just do it on the 432 00:24:29,570 --> 00:24:32,730 S2: spur of the moment. But for her, she's a manager. 433 00:24:32,770 --> 00:24:36,650 S2: She manages she wants to manage quality time. Uh, and 434 00:24:36,650 --> 00:24:39,730 S2: then there's the dreamer who wants to spend some of 435 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:43,609 S2: the quality time talking about what if someday you and 436 00:24:43,609 --> 00:24:46,730 S2: I could, you know, just talking about the future, not 437 00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:49,450 S2: something that's going to be done right now. And so, 438 00:24:49,690 --> 00:24:52,810 S2: you know, and planning and having something like a date 439 00:24:52,810 --> 00:24:55,690 S2: night every week. Oh, man. For some people, that would 440 00:24:55,690 --> 00:24:58,690 S2: just be the ideal way to spend quality time. 441 00:25:00,369 --> 00:25:03,770 S1: Yeah. And so if you know that about your spouse 442 00:25:03,930 --> 00:25:06,810 S1: or the person that you're trying to to love, well, 443 00:25:07,050 --> 00:25:10,490 S1: it will help you narrow down not just the love 444 00:25:10,490 --> 00:25:14,330 S1: language but then the dialect of that. So let me 445 00:25:14,330 --> 00:25:19,770 S1: take a quick break here. (877) 548-3675 is our number. If 446 00:25:19,770 --> 00:25:22,409 S1: you have a question or a comment about the love 447 00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:26,480 S1: languages and you'd dearly love to loved to spread love 448 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,879 S1: to your spouse or whoever it is in your relationships. 449 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:32,520 S1: It could be a coworker or a boss. You really 450 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:39,960 S1: want to express that, but you don't know how. (877) 548-3675. 451 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,760 S1: Or if there's some other question about marriage or parenting 452 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:50,000 S1: you want to ask Gary. (877) 548-3675. More straight ahead on 453 00:25:50,040 --> 00:26:05,160 S1: Moody Radio. Oh, I've been looking forward to this all 454 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,719 S1: weekend long. Doctor Gary Chapman is his name. Our featured 455 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,880 S1: resource today is also our thank you all this month 456 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,480 S1: of February. The love language that matters most. It just 457 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,480 S1: came out in January. Subtitled How to Personalize Love so 458 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,560 S1: they really feel it. And yes, we will answer that 459 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,619 S1: question before the end of the program. What is the 460 00:26:24,619 --> 00:26:28,260 S1: love language that matters most? If you'd like a copy, 461 00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:30,660 S1: give a gift of any size, go to the website. 462 00:26:32,820 --> 00:26:36,060 S1: I'd love to send you a copy. And with Doctor Chapman, 463 00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:38,700 S1: Jeff is in New Hampshire. Hi, Jeff. Go right ahead. 464 00:26:39,859 --> 00:26:42,060 S2: Hi, Chris and Doctor Chapman. 465 00:26:42,180 --> 00:26:45,660 S3: Uh, I can't believe I'm talking to you folks. This 466 00:26:45,660 --> 00:26:49,179 S3: is such a privilege, Doctor Chapman. I've heard all about 467 00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:52,380 S3: you for so many years, and I'm very, very grateful 468 00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:56,700 S3: for your life and your commitment to God and and 469 00:26:56,700 --> 00:27:00,380 S3: all the things that you have done. Um, I wanted 470 00:27:00,380 --> 00:27:06,939 S3: to get your take on, uh, the love language of touch. And, um, 471 00:27:08,420 --> 00:27:11,820 S3: there was a, there was a doctor, Leo Buscaglia, years 472 00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:14,739 S3: ago here in public TV here in New England who 473 00:27:14,740 --> 00:27:18,900 S3: was called the love, the, uh, the hug doctor. And, um, 474 00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,060 S3: there were there were so many people that would go 475 00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:25,250 S3: to hear him speak, and they would line up after 476 00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:28,770 S3: his speech by the hundreds, maybe thousands, to get a 477 00:27:28,770 --> 00:27:32,450 S3: hug from him. And I heard you folks speaking about 478 00:27:32,450 --> 00:27:35,850 S3: the love languages today earlier, just a short time ago. 479 00:27:35,890 --> 00:27:39,690 S3: And for me, my love language is touch. And I 480 00:27:40,770 --> 00:27:42,690 S3: even know when you think about the human condition. I've 481 00:27:42,690 --> 00:27:45,890 S3: been a Christian for about 63 years now. Um, I 482 00:27:45,930 --> 00:27:49,330 S3: say that with as much humbleness and humility, but I 483 00:27:49,330 --> 00:27:53,409 S3: wanted your take on it, Doctor Chapman. Uh, because of 484 00:27:53,450 --> 00:27:58,010 S3: the human condition, uh, it's a natural thing for people. 485 00:27:58,050 --> 00:28:00,210 S3: It's like, uh, don't just tell me that you'll love me, 486 00:28:00,210 --> 00:28:03,450 S3: but show me that you love me. And I think 487 00:28:03,450 --> 00:28:06,970 S3: sometimes a hug or a shaking of the hand or 488 00:28:07,330 --> 00:28:12,410 S3: putting your arm around somebody is. Especially when they're maybe 489 00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:16,290 S3: down or not feeling well, uh, is is very, very important. 490 00:28:16,290 --> 00:28:20,410 S3: And I didn't want to, you know, uh, slight that aspect, uh, 491 00:28:20,410 --> 00:28:23,040 S3: that part of it. I heard the other three, but 492 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,720 S3: I wanted your take on on touch if that would 493 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,640 S3: be okay. And thank you very much for taking my call. 494 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:36,960 S2: Yes, I think physical touch humans are touchers in all cultures. 495 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:42,480 S2: There are appropriate touches and their inappropriate touches in different cultures. Uh, 496 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:46,160 S2: but physical touch and the thumb that you mentioned, a 497 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,240 S2: pat on the back, a high five, uh, you know, 498 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,959 S2: a hug. Um, and if if physical touch is the 499 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,680 S2: person's primary love language, any one of those is going 500 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,480 S2: to be helpful because they're all affirming touches. Uh, but 501 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,960 S2: if physical touch is is their last, that is, they're 502 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:08,720 S2: just they're just they don't feel real comfortable teaching touching them. Uh, 503 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,200 S2: I remember, for example, I was in a restaurant with 504 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,959 S2: a couple, my wife and I, eating with them, and, uh, 505 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,120 S2: this man was a hugger. And so somebody came up 506 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,560 S2: that saw me and recognized me. And he gets up 507 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,900 S2: out of his seat and he hugs this lady and 508 00:29:22,900 --> 00:29:26,700 S2: she says, oh no, don't don't, don't. No. And he 509 00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:30,980 S2: was embarrassed. And I was kind of embarrassed. And at 510 00:29:30,980 --> 00:29:33,620 S2: any rate, she said to him, nobody hugs me except 511 00:29:33,620 --> 00:29:37,660 S2: my husband. He said, oh, okay, I understand that, you know. 512 00:29:38,100 --> 00:29:40,460 S2: So I think we do have to be sensitive because 513 00:29:40,460 --> 00:29:43,500 S2: some people, uh, feel that what you might think would 514 00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:47,380 S2: be inappropriate touch, they might think would be an inappropriate touch. Uh, 515 00:29:47,540 --> 00:29:50,740 S2: but yes, I think, you know, high fives and pat 516 00:29:50,740 --> 00:29:52,940 S2: on the back and that sort of thing. Most people 517 00:29:52,940 --> 00:29:56,260 S2: would see that as a positive thing because all of us, 518 00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:57,900 S2: as I said, are touchers. 519 00:29:58,340 --> 00:29:58,780 S3: Yeah. 520 00:29:58,940 --> 00:30:01,460 S1: What are some of the dialects of touch, then, Gary? 521 00:30:02,140 --> 00:30:06,780 S2: Well, there's a whole bunch of physical touch. One would 522 00:30:06,780 --> 00:30:11,660 S2: be what he just alluded to, a comforting touch. You know, 523 00:30:11,980 --> 00:30:14,180 S2: they're going through some some. So maybe they got a 524 00:30:14,180 --> 00:30:17,420 S2: phone call that a family member had died. Well, a 525 00:30:17,420 --> 00:30:20,650 S2: comforting touch. Or maybe there's something they're troubled about at work. 526 00:30:20,650 --> 00:30:22,730 S2: And you just if it's your spouse, you might just 527 00:30:22,730 --> 00:30:27,450 S2: give them a hug. Uh, there's there's playful touch, you know, 528 00:30:27,490 --> 00:30:30,410 S2: where you're just kind of jabbing at each other. Uh, 529 00:30:30,850 --> 00:30:35,530 S2: pillow fighting or or kind of halfway wrestling with the 530 00:30:35,570 --> 00:30:39,410 S2: with you. With the person. Again, depends on what relationship is. 531 00:30:39,930 --> 00:30:43,729 S2: There's protective touch. Or maybe you're in a situation with 532 00:30:43,730 --> 00:30:46,730 S2: your spouse or a friend and and something's happening in 533 00:30:46,730 --> 00:30:49,290 S2: the streets and all, and you just kind of either 534 00:30:49,290 --> 00:30:51,530 S2: take their hand or put your arm around them and 535 00:30:51,530 --> 00:30:53,970 S2: pull them close and say, let's go this way. You know, 536 00:30:54,010 --> 00:30:57,810 S2: kind of protective touch. There's romantic touch, to be sure 537 00:30:58,170 --> 00:31:01,370 S2: that that sometimes leads to the sexual part of marriage, 538 00:31:01,410 --> 00:31:05,130 S2: and sometimes it doesn't. But it's a romantic kind of thing. Uh, 539 00:31:05,370 --> 00:31:08,730 S2: and there's there's affectionate touch in which you're just showing 540 00:31:08,770 --> 00:31:11,570 S2: affection to them. You know, there's can be any number 541 00:31:11,570 --> 00:31:15,290 S2: of things just depending on the individual. That's why it's 542 00:31:15,450 --> 00:31:19,000 S2: it's helpful If you if the other person's language is 543 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:22,600 S2: physical touch, it's helpful to know what type of touch 544 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,440 S2: or to keep in mind that there are these various ones. 545 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,240 S2: And for some of them, uh, one of these dialects 546 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:32,160 S2: or two of these dialects speak really most intimately with 547 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:33,480 S2: them than some of the others. 548 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,160 S1: Yeah. And I can tell Jeff is, you know, Jeff 549 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,400 S1: is the touch person, and maybe there's somebody in his 550 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,320 S1: life who's not that way. And having that kind of conversation. 551 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,600 S1: I'm really glad you got through today, Jeff. God bless you, friend. 552 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:50,520 S1: Carmela is in Florida. Carmela, go right ahead. 553 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,080 S4: Uh, just. Yes. 554 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,320 S1: Just. Yes. What is your question for Doctor Chapman? 555 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,760 S4: Oh, yes, I had I have do that do. I'll 556 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:07,400 S4: be on the other phone here now for a second, but, um, yes, 557 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,600 S4: I do have a, uh, a question for you. It 558 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:16,590 S4: just so happened that my son just walked in, uh, anyway. But, uh, 559 00:32:17,390 --> 00:32:22,670 S4: my son is, uh, um, 65. I'm 95. And, um, 560 00:32:22,710 --> 00:32:26,190 S4: he also has a problem with, um, a stroke and 561 00:32:26,190 --> 00:32:29,670 S4: things of that nature. Uh, he played football his life 562 00:32:29,670 --> 00:32:34,470 S4: and has a traumatic brain syndrome. Um, you know, I'm 563 00:32:34,470 --> 00:32:38,630 S4: a retired nurse. Anyway, uh, and, um, how do I 564 00:32:38,630 --> 00:32:43,630 S4: figure out his his love language? Because he actually. And 565 00:32:44,270 --> 00:32:48,990 S4: he actually, you know, um, always, uh, is walking away. 566 00:32:49,030 --> 00:32:53,550 S4: Never hears what I'm saying. Um, um, in my estimation. 567 00:32:53,550 --> 00:32:57,030 S4: But how can I get through to him that I 568 00:32:57,070 --> 00:33:00,390 S4: love him, and he's my he's my youngest son, and 569 00:33:00,390 --> 00:33:02,070 S4: I certainly love him, but. 570 00:33:02,110 --> 00:33:05,310 S1: And he just walked in. Is that right? He he 571 00:33:05,310 --> 00:33:06,150 S1: just walked in. 572 00:33:06,190 --> 00:33:08,590 S4: Yeah. So I had to go in another room and 573 00:33:08,830 --> 00:33:10,990 S4: talk to you and. Yeah, he. 574 00:33:10,990 --> 00:33:11,990 S5: Just walked in. 575 00:33:12,030 --> 00:33:14,580 S1: Well, one way you could do is you tell him 576 00:33:14,580 --> 00:33:16,740 S1: that we're giving him a big hug? You know, from 577 00:33:16,740 --> 00:33:19,980 S1: Gary and Chris. So, Doctor Chan, what would you say? Uh, 578 00:33:19,980 --> 00:33:21,580 S1: in Carmella's situation. 579 00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:23,660 S2: Uh, two, 2 or 3 things. One would be to 580 00:33:23,700 --> 00:33:27,540 S2: observe his behavior. That is, when he's around you or 581 00:33:27,540 --> 00:33:30,460 S2: he's around other people. What do you see him doing 582 00:33:30,460 --> 00:33:34,460 S2: or saying that might be expressing love or appreciation? Then 583 00:33:34,460 --> 00:33:38,459 S2: if you have hear him giving other people compliments, uh, 584 00:33:38,540 --> 00:33:42,340 S2: then that's a clue that that's what he wants to receive. Uh, 585 00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:46,420 S2: if to observe his behavior. The second is what is 586 00:33:46,420 --> 00:33:50,660 S2: he request most often, if he's requesting, you know, that 587 00:33:50,860 --> 00:33:53,380 S2: you all take a walk together, or if he's requesting 588 00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:55,660 S2: that you do something for him, if that's the most 589 00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:59,420 S2: common thing he's requesting of you, then probably that's acts 590 00:33:59,420 --> 00:34:02,900 S2: of service. You're doing things for him. Uh, so what 591 00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:04,620 S2: are the what is the request? And then what does 592 00:34:04,620 --> 00:34:08,620 S2: he complain about most often? If he complains that, you know, 593 00:34:08,820 --> 00:34:12,500 S2: you still haven't fixed that, whatever it was, he's complaining 594 00:34:12,500 --> 00:34:14,840 S2: that you're not doing an act of service for him. 595 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,640 S2: You put those three things together. You can get an idea. 596 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:21,879 S2: And then I would suggest also that you go let 597 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,839 S2: him go online. You can do it also and take 598 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,440 S2: the take the free quiz there just this simple quiz 599 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:32,080 S2: that will will tell him. He answers a few questions 600 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:35,040 S2: and it'll tell him his primary love language, his secondary 601 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,279 S2: love language. And I think if you say tell him 602 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:41,080 S2: you want, you're going to do this too. Uh, and 603 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,760 S2: you both take it together. It'll be a good discussion time, 604 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,640 S2: but it'll help you determine his primary language. 605 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:50,520 S1: So if she finds out that he takes the quiz, 606 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,680 S1: or she looks at his life and she says, boy, 607 00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:58,160 S1: it's words of affirmation, that's what. Really? Uh. That's how 608 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,640 S1: he feels love most. What is she. If she if 609 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:04,759 S1: she criticizes him and says something, then that's going to 610 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:08,800 S1: hurt even deeper to somebody who's primary is words of affirmation, right? 611 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:12,950 S2: Absolutely. You do the opposite of their primary love language. 612 00:35:12,989 --> 00:35:15,549 S2: That that hurts them more than anything else would hurt 613 00:35:15,550 --> 00:35:16,509 S2: them emotionally. 614 00:35:17,630 --> 00:35:23,150 S1: Uh, Carmela, I'm glad that you called today. God bless you, friend. And, uh, again, 615 00:35:23,190 --> 00:35:25,950 S1: say hello to your son there. Uh, let me get 616 00:35:25,950 --> 00:35:28,669 S1: Bob's question in before we take a break. Bob, who's 617 00:35:28,670 --> 00:35:30,070 S1: in Chicago? Hi, Bob. 618 00:35:31,310 --> 00:35:36,509 S6: God's blessings, brother. Excuse me. Got a little cold. Uh, 619 00:35:36,590 --> 00:35:41,190 S6: the question is, what should newlyweds do if one of 620 00:35:41,190 --> 00:35:46,870 S6: the mates threatens divorce during their getting to know you? Uh, 621 00:35:46,870 --> 00:35:48,109 S6: stage of marriage. 622 00:35:49,030 --> 00:35:53,710 S1: So early on, one of them threatens, throws in the 623 00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:57,070 S1: D word as a possibility. Is that what you're saying? 624 00:35:57,710 --> 00:36:00,670 S6: That's correct. It happens frequently. 625 00:36:02,430 --> 00:36:03,750 S1: Yeah. Gary, what do you say? 626 00:36:04,230 --> 00:36:06,190 S2: I think first of all, I think this is why 627 00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:10,500 S2: couples need to spend time preparing for marriage. You know, 628 00:36:10,540 --> 00:36:12,980 S2: I wrote a book called things I Wish I'd Known 629 00:36:12,980 --> 00:36:15,940 S2: before we got married. And one of them is, I 630 00:36:15,940 --> 00:36:18,939 S2: wish I'd known that marriage is a covenant. It's not 631 00:36:18,940 --> 00:36:23,219 S2: a contract. See, our our culture is a contract. Culture. 632 00:36:23,700 --> 00:36:25,500 S2: You can drive this car as long as you make 633 00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:29,420 S2: the payments. That's a contract covenant. No, that's very, very different. 634 00:36:29,420 --> 00:36:32,780 S2: And I describe the difference. So if they've talked about 635 00:36:32,780 --> 00:36:36,180 S2: that among a lot of other things before they get married, 636 00:36:36,420 --> 00:36:39,380 S2: they're less likely to bring up the D word early 637 00:36:39,380 --> 00:36:42,740 S2: in the relationship. But if they just got married because 638 00:36:42,739 --> 00:36:45,660 S2: they were in love and they didn't discuss all these 639 00:36:45,660 --> 00:36:49,300 S2: other issues of how do we solve conflicts without arguing, 640 00:36:49,300 --> 00:36:52,660 S2: for example, and other things, and they're and they're purely 641 00:36:52,700 --> 00:36:55,339 S2: secular in their concept of marriage, that it's just a 642 00:36:55,340 --> 00:36:58,899 S2: contract anyway. And I really married you because I thought 643 00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:00,899 S2: you were going to make me happy. But you're not 644 00:37:00,900 --> 00:37:04,860 S2: making me happy. Uh, then, you know, their whole foundation 645 00:37:05,020 --> 00:37:08,580 S2: is very different from a Christian perspective on what marriage 646 00:37:08,580 --> 00:37:11,840 S2: is all about. But if the person brings it up, 647 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,160 S2: it's a clue. Man, you need you need marital help. 648 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,200 S2: And I would say as quickly as you can, find 649 00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:21,879 S2: a Christian counselor and begin to share with them and 650 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:24,960 S2: let them help you walk through, because every couple in 651 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:29,040 S2: the early stages of marriage, uh, maybe that's too much. Maybe. 652 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,799 S2: But most couples do have struggles in the first year 653 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,799 S2: of their marriage. And sometimes it gets worse if they 654 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,520 S2: don't get help. So I would just say if they 655 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:40,160 S2: bring up the D word early on in the relationship, 656 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,080 S2: it's time to get some help. 657 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,360 S1: Yeah, that's a great question. I'm glad you called today, Bob. 658 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,440 S1: Doctor Gary Chapman is our guest at the Radio Backyard Fence. 659 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:53,120 S1: Our featured resource is the love language that matters most. 660 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,719 S1: It is our thank you to anybody who supports this program. 661 00:37:56,719 --> 00:38:03,080 S1: Find out how you can do that at Chris. Chris. Org. 662 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:16,910 S1: More straight ahead on Moody Radio. Thanks for joining us 663 00:38:16,910 --> 00:38:19,509 S1: today on Chris Avery Live. Gary and the parrots got 664 00:38:19,510 --> 00:38:23,230 S1: together and they've written a love language that matters most. Now, 665 00:38:23,230 --> 00:38:25,910 S1: this is not a group from the 1960s. This is 666 00:38:25,950 --> 00:38:29,549 S1: Doctor Gary Chapman and Doctor Les and Doctor Leslie Parrot. 667 00:38:29,989 --> 00:38:33,710 S1: They've written this to help you personalize love so that 668 00:38:33,710 --> 00:38:38,230 S1: the other person really, really feels it. I added one, really, 669 00:38:38,230 --> 00:38:40,990 S1: but you get what I'm saying. And I'm so sold 670 00:38:40,989 --> 00:38:43,469 S1: on this that I want to send you a copy. 671 00:38:43,510 --> 00:38:46,549 S1: If you go to Chris org, scroll down, you'll see 672 00:38:46,550 --> 00:38:49,750 S1: how you can support this program during the month of February, 673 00:38:49,750 --> 00:38:51,830 S1: the month of love. And we're going to send you 674 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:54,310 S1: the love language that matters most. Just go to Chris. 675 00:38:56,070 --> 00:38:59,110 S1: All right. Gary, we've, uh, we're into the program 46 676 00:38:59,110 --> 00:39:01,430 S1: minutes now, and we haven't told them what the love 677 00:39:01,430 --> 00:39:04,830 S1: language that matters most is. What is the love language 678 00:39:04,830 --> 00:39:05,790 S1: that matters most? 679 00:39:07,100 --> 00:39:11,339 S2: Kiss. The love language that matters most is the love 680 00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:15,219 S2: language of your partner or the other person, whomever it is. 681 00:39:15,260 --> 00:39:17,940 S2: If it's not a marriage relationship, it's the other person. 682 00:39:18,460 --> 00:39:21,939 S2: And we're making that point because so many people have 683 00:39:21,940 --> 00:39:26,779 S2: read the original book and they are self centered, and 684 00:39:26,780 --> 00:39:28,620 S2: they when they read it, they say, oh, this is 685 00:39:28,620 --> 00:39:30,540 S2: what my spouse needs to be doing. This is my 686 00:39:30,540 --> 00:39:32,780 S2: love language, you know? And they tell them, you know, 687 00:39:33,300 --> 00:39:35,500 S2: perhaps this is my love language. Now, you know, da 688 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:38,819 S2: da da da da. Well, maybe the partner hasn't read 689 00:39:38,820 --> 00:39:40,420 S2: the book and they don't even know what they're talking 690 00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:44,100 S2: about in the first place. But I think because we 691 00:39:44,100 --> 00:39:48,620 S2: are self centered, it's easy to be selfish. And when 692 00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:51,060 S2: we think about love, we think first about, you know, 693 00:39:51,100 --> 00:39:54,900 S2: getting my needs met rather than thinking about the attitude 694 00:39:54,900 --> 00:39:58,660 S2: of love toward the other person. So both are important, 695 00:39:58,660 --> 00:40:03,780 S2: to be sure. But the attitude of love is, I 696 00:40:03,940 --> 00:40:07,370 S2: want to enrich the life of the other person. And 697 00:40:07,370 --> 00:40:10,210 S2: here's one way I can help meet one of their 698 00:40:10,370 --> 00:40:13,490 S2: deepest emotional needs, and that is their need for love. 699 00:40:13,930 --> 00:40:16,730 S1: So now you know what the love language that matters 700 00:40:16,730 --> 00:40:20,770 S1: most is, and you'll go the next step in this revolution. 701 00:40:20,770 --> 00:40:23,770 S1: If you read that book, the love language that matters most. 702 00:40:23,810 --> 00:40:27,609 S1: Just go to Chris Matts in Florida. Matt, why did 703 00:40:27,610 --> 00:40:28,370 S1: you call today? 704 00:40:30,010 --> 00:40:31,730 S7: Hi, guys. First of all, I just want to say 705 00:40:31,730 --> 00:40:34,610 S7: hi to Chris and Gary. Thank you for what you do. 706 00:40:35,090 --> 00:40:38,930 S7: Really appreciate it. Blessings, both of you guys. Um, the 707 00:40:38,930 --> 00:40:44,730 S7: reason I called is, uh, I actually went and saw you, Gary, at, uh, 708 00:40:44,770 --> 00:40:47,170 S7: Lake Central Florida, about 2 or 3 years ago at 709 00:40:47,170 --> 00:40:49,330 S7: a church over there. You held a seminar of the 710 00:40:49,330 --> 00:40:54,170 S7: five love languages. I brought my wife along, but I 711 00:40:54,330 --> 00:40:57,130 S7: still just. It's hard to figure out what her love 712 00:40:57,130 --> 00:40:59,890 S7: language is. If you could give a little bit more 713 00:40:59,890 --> 00:41:01,969 S7: tips and clues on how to figure that out. I've 714 00:41:02,010 --> 00:41:03,960 S7: tried to get her to take the quiz. It's. I 715 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,520 S7: don't know if she's trying to be mysterious about herself 716 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:10,400 S7: or what, but it's. She's a hard read. 717 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,600 S1: What have you guessed that it is, Matt? 718 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:19,040 S7: I'm thinking. Acts of service. I, you know, picking up 719 00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:21,880 S7: from what Gary had just said about our prior caller about, 720 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,200 S7: you know, what do they complain about the most? Maybe 721 00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:31,520 S7: acts of service. Maybe it's words of affirmation. That's my guesses. 722 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,799 S1: Got it. Okay, Gary, what do you say? 723 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,759 S2: Well, you know, obviously it would be ideal if she 724 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,439 S2: would take the quiz, but you can't make her take 725 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,839 S2: a quiz. If there's some people that just, you know, 726 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:43,560 S2: they don't want to take a quiz, they don't want 727 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,120 S2: to be put in a category, you know, whatever. So 728 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:52,560 S2: but I would say, uh, an honest conversation might be 729 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,640 S2: in place to say, honey, you know, that conference we 730 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,480 S2: went to a couple of years ago and you know, 731 00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,719 S2: that love language book. And I don't know if she 732 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,140 S2: actually read the book or not. Uh, if she did, 733 00:42:03,180 --> 00:42:05,700 S2: it would be an asset that she's at least got 734 00:42:05,700 --> 00:42:08,420 S2: that background in her mind. But to say to her, 735 00:42:08,620 --> 00:42:12,100 S2: you know, I really, really, really love you, but I'm 736 00:42:12,140 --> 00:42:15,739 S2: not sure I'm communicating it to you in the best 737 00:42:15,739 --> 00:42:21,380 S2: possible way. So, uh, can you help me? Just an 738 00:42:21,380 --> 00:42:25,660 S2: open conversation like that. And you might add, uh, honey, 739 00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:28,460 S2: after you've talked like that on a scale of 0 740 00:42:28,460 --> 00:42:31,819 S2: to 10, how much love do you feel coming from 741 00:42:31,820 --> 00:42:34,900 S2: me that gives you a figure, you know? And then 742 00:42:34,900 --> 00:42:37,939 S2: you can say, now, why would you say, why would 743 00:42:37,940 --> 00:42:40,700 S2: you say it's a seven or a five or whatever 744 00:42:40,700 --> 00:42:44,339 S2: she says. And at least it's if you do this 745 00:42:44,380 --> 00:42:48,300 S2: in a kind way, uh, letting her know your purpose 746 00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:52,739 S2: is that you can love her more effectively. Uh, there's 747 00:42:52,780 --> 00:42:55,859 S2: a good chance that she might open up and, uh, 748 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:59,580 S2: and and share more with you. Well, let you know 749 00:42:59,900 --> 00:43:02,450 S2: how you could better express your love to her. 750 00:43:02,890 --> 00:43:05,450 S1: Let me flip it around, Matt, and ask you this question. 751 00:43:05,450 --> 00:43:11,930 S1: Could the problem not be with your wife necessarily? Could 752 00:43:11,930 --> 00:43:15,290 S1: it be in your own heart? I don't feel loved 753 00:43:15,290 --> 00:43:19,410 S1: by my wife, and I want a deeper relationship, and 754 00:43:19,410 --> 00:43:21,610 S1: I keep doing these things. But I'm not getting the 755 00:43:21,610 --> 00:43:24,489 S1: response that I want to get. And I don't feel. 756 00:43:24,530 --> 00:43:28,170 S1: And I'm not painting you into a corner here. But 757 00:43:28,210 --> 00:43:30,850 S1: is there a sense that in your own heart you 758 00:43:30,890 --> 00:43:33,330 S1: don't feel love coming from her and the five love 759 00:43:33,330 --> 00:43:35,410 S1: languages as opposed to fix all that? 760 00:43:37,210 --> 00:43:40,130 S7: It could definitely be that, Chris. I mean, those guys 761 00:43:40,130 --> 00:43:43,850 S7: were a bunch of blockheads, and sometimes we just, you know, 762 00:43:43,890 --> 00:43:45,410 S7: you can hit us upside the head with a two 763 00:43:45,450 --> 00:43:48,010 S7: by four and we still don't get it sometimes. And 764 00:43:48,050 --> 00:43:52,129 S7: you're absolutely right. It could be that too. I, I 765 00:43:52,170 --> 00:43:54,930 S7: just looking for ways to how do I share that 766 00:43:54,930 --> 00:43:58,090 S7: love deeper with her and would like a closer connection 767 00:43:58,090 --> 00:44:01,560 S7: with her Other. And it could be exactly what you 768 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:03,720 S7: just said, Chris. I don't know. 769 00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,720 S1: Yeah. Don't don't hear me accusing you, though. I'm just, uh. 770 00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:11,080 S1: Because because, Gary, you've talked a lot about that whole 771 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,239 S1: thing that, you know, if you do this, this and this, 772 00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:15,600 S1: then you're going to get this response, and and you 773 00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,680 S1: don't control the response, right? 774 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,800 S2: No. That's right. I think I think just by nature, uh, 775 00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:26,000 S2: we we sometimes are prone to express love in their 776 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:29,799 S2: love language so that they will express love in our 777 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:33,360 S2: love language. And so we're doing it for selfish purposes 778 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:38,040 S2: rather than unconditional love, which means I want to enrich 779 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:42,040 S2: their life. I want to meet their emotional need for love, 780 00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:44,680 S2: whether they meet mine or not. You know, God loved 781 00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:48,200 S2: us while we were sinners. The Bible says so if 782 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,560 S2: we're following his example when we say, God, help me 783 00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:54,920 S2: to love her in an effective way, that she really 784 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:58,580 S2: can sense my love and whether she returns it or not. 785 00:44:58,820 --> 00:45:01,180 S2: So I think, uh, you know, I think that can 786 00:45:01,219 --> 00:45:03,060 S2: be a positive approach to. 787 00:45:03,860 --> 00:45:07,260 S1: But the question, though is how do I judge it? 788 00:45:07,260 --> 00:45:10,980 S1: You know, how do I judge? Success is success that 789 00:45:10,980 --> 00:45:16,660 S1: she says a ten is success. We just have more communication. 790 00:45:16,660 --> 00:45:19,819 S1: Maybe that's, you know, if you lower I'm not telling 791 00:45:19,820 --> 00:45:22,540 S1: you to lower the bar, but if you lower your 792 00:45:22,540 --> 00:45:28,419 S1: expectation of what you're receiving back from your spouse and 793 00:45:28,420 --> 00:45:33,500 S1: just communicate it, you know, get to that communication level of, uh, 794 00:45:34,020 --> 00:45:36,540 S1: I really I'm, I'm stuck here, you know, because that's 795 00:45:36,540 --> 00:45:39,140 S1: what I'm hearing, Matt say, I'm stuck and I don't 796 00:45:39,140 --> 00:45:44,060 S1: want to be stuck. Um, 30s respond to that, Gary. 797 00:45:44,580 --> 00:45:47,940 S2: Well, that's why communication is so important. So rather than 798 00:45:47,940 --> 00:45:51,460 S2: just holding all these things in your mind to to 799 00:45:51,500 --> 00:45:54,660 S2: ask the questions that I mentioned earlier and have try 800 00:45:54,700 --> 00:45:58,569 S2: to have an open communication with with one purpose, and 801 00:45:58,570 --> 00:46:00,690 S2: that is to learn how you can express love to 802 00:46:00,730 --> 00:46:04,770 S2: her in a more effective way. I think that that's foundational. 803 00:46:05,410 --> 00:46:07,810 S1: Matt, hang on. I want to send you a copy 804 00:46:07,810 --> 00:46:11,130 S1: of this book. And thanks for being open and honest 805 00:46:11,130 --> 00:46:13,650 S1: with us here today. Sorry to put you under the microscope, 806 00:46:13,650 --> 00:46:17,529 S1: but I think that might have helped somebody who's listening 807 00:46:17,570 --> 00:46:20,290 S1: the love language that matters most. That's what I want 808 00:46:20,290 --> 00:46:23,450 S1: to send to Matt. Send to Matt. How to personalize love. 809 00:46:23,450 --> 00:46:25,890 S1: So they really feel it. And I would love to 810 00:46:25,930 --> 00:46:28,129 S1: send you a copy as well, if you support us 811 00:46:28,130 --> 00:46:32,450 S1: in any way. Uh, at Chris Fabry. Livecorp. Scroll down. 812 00:46:32,450 --> 00:46:35,009 S1: You'll see the book right there. And, uh, we'd love 813 00:46:35,010 --> 00:46:38,650 S1: to send you a copy. Chris Fabry live. Gary, thanks 814 00:46:38,650 --> 00:46:41,570 S1: a lot for being with us today. And may your 815 00:46:41,570 --> 00:46:44,090 S1: temperatures rise throughout the week, friend. 816 00:46:44,650 --> 00:46:46,650 S2: Well thank you. I hope you're right. 817 00:46:47,969 --> 00:46:50,850 S1: Chris. Barry live is a production of Moody Radio, a 818 00:46:50,850 --> 00:46:53,969 S1: ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.