S1: I'm calling because I find myself in a very big predicament.
S2: Is there any hope for abusers?
S3: He has come to us and told us that he
S3: is gay. If I wasn't that perfect, mom, what can
S3: I do and how can I apply that advice today?
S4: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
S4: our final broadcast of 2023. As we take your calls
S4: and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember,
S4: if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in
S4: the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S5: Today, as we are on the cusp of 2024 and
S5: all that is ahead of us, it's time to take
S5: stock of relationships. Not a bad thing to do here
S5: at the end of the year. But Gary, I want
S5: to hit the rewind button for you personally, because at
S5: the end of November, at the beginning of December, you
S5: spoke at a funeral of a friend and we were
S5: talking after the program one day. This really hit you hard.
S5: Would you take us into that situation that happened?
S6: Yeah. Chris, this is a friend that I've had since 1972.
S6: He is from Pennsylvania and had graduated from Penn State
S6: and moved to North Carolina for a job. And I
S6: was just leading our college ministry in those years. And
S6: he and his wife volunteered to help me in that ministry.
S6: And that was where our friendship began. And for ten years,
S6: on Sunday mornings, he and his wife were down there
S6: doing refreshments and all for the college kids and also
S6: interfacing with them, you know, before and after the meetings.
S6: And in every year, he and I would go to
S6: Wake Forest University and knock on the door, the dorm
S6: door of every male, every every guy at Wake Forest freshmen,
S6: and give them a little card about our class and
S6: about the meeting at my house on Friday nights for
S6: ten years, we had open house for college students, and
S6: so we just walked through that, and he was so active.
S6: As the years went on, he began to teach a class,
S6: a Bible class at our church on Sunday mornings, and
S6: he was involved in a prayer group that met once
S6: a week on Monday afternoons and prayed for the city,
S6: our city. And he was involved in the music ministry.
S6: I mean, I could just go on and on all
S6: the things he was involved in and and how close
S6: we were. And then he had taken his car, his
S6: truck to a tire place to have some tires put
S6: on it, and he was going to walk home. And
S6: it was only a, I don't know, six blocks from
S6: where he lived. So it was not unusual. But he
S6: started to cross the street, and a lady who was
S6: driving a car hit him and essentially killed him. I mean,
S6: he they kept him on life support for a few days,
S6: but he never he never came back. What happened on
S6: from her side. And obviously we felt very sorry for her.
S6: She said the sun was just blinding her and she
S6: didn't see him. And the man who was in the
S6: car behind her affirmed that. He said it was just
S6: it was just brilliant right in our eyes. But at
S6: any rate, on the Sunday morning, uh, when I got
S6: up after that, I was having my time with God,
S6: and I just felt deeply impressed that I should attend
S6: the Bible Fellowship class that he taught every Sunday morning
S6: at 1030 and just sit with the people. And the
S6: thought that the word that came to my mind was,
S6: why don't you go weep with those who weep? Because
S6: I knew his class. You must experience a lot of
S6: sorrow because they deeply loved him, because he taught in
S6: the class and out of the class. You know, I
S6: walked up there that morning and I got up and
S6: right at get there right at 1030, and they were
S6: just getting ready to begin the class. And someone said, well,
S6: Doctor Chapman, welcome. Would you like to say something to us?
S6: I said, no. I just came to weep with those
S6: who weep. And I said, I just want to sit
S6: here with you. And I said, well, thank you. And
S6: so they said, well, let's just let's just start sharing classes,
S6: our thoughts and our feelings. And I sit there for
S6: a little over an hour, and I think everybody in
S6: the class spoke. And there was about 40 people, at
S6: least 40 people in the class and just shared, you know,
S6: memories of ways they had interfaced with him and how
S6: they appreciated him. And, you know, the sorrow that they felt,
S6: but also the reality that we saw or not as
S6: those who have no hope because we knew he was
S6: with Christ. In fact, one of those class members said,
S6: you know, I think it was two weeks ago that
S6: stand stood here in front of us and in the
S6: context of whatever he was teaching, he said, with, with,
S6: with tears coming to his eyes, he said, I just
S6: want to see Jesus. And he said, those words came
S6: back to me when I heard that he was killed.
S6: You know, I don't know if that was a prayer
S6: of his heart or not. I'm not. But that's certainly
S6: what happened. He's with Jesus, you know. So that funeral
S6: service I shared, you know, some of those things. Told
S6: the folks what I'd done and just shared some of
S6: those things. And it was just a really, really heart
S6: moving service for so many people because he had just
S6: befriended so many people. And, you know, here today, Chris,
S6: looking back on an old year and looking forward to
S6: a new year. I know there are many of our
S6: listeners that have lost, you know, loved ones to death, uh,
S6: over this past year and in this kind of season,
S6: the Christmas New Year season, we reflect on that, you know,
S6: and and there's that that sense of sorrow is there
S6: because we can't call them. We can't go see them.
S6: We can't go do things with them. You know, I
S6: just like to encourage our listeners who've gone through that
S6: this year to, yes, it's okay to grieve whether it's
S6: been a year or longer. It's okay to grieve, but
S6: we're not grieving as though we have no hope. If
S6: that person knew Jesus Christ, if they didn't know we
S6: weren't sure about it. We just have to commit them
S6: to God because God knows their heart. He knows whether
S6: they were in his family or not, you know? So yeah,
S6: that was a very meaningful and very emotional experience for me. Chris.
S5: In my mind, I'm picturing you two in the 1970s
S5: with Bellbottom jeans and whatever you're wearing by, you know,
S5: knocking on the door at Wake Forest. Those folks, those
S5: guys that had no idea it was Gary Chapman was
S5: out there. They might have woken up. But just the
S5: the friendship and the camaraderie that you had and then
S5: how suddenly it was over for your friend Stan. And
S5: here we are. And I think you're right. There are
S5: people who are listening right now, and you're reading my email.
S5: This is exactly what we've gone through with a friend
S5: or family member for us. And so I think Ecclesiastes,
S5: Solomon talks about it's better to go to a house
S5: of mourning than a house of feasting, you know, to
S5: to realize that this is our everybody's destiny. And it
S5: goes very, very quickly. That's what Billy Graham said is
S5: what's the most surprising thing for you? And he said,
S5: the brevity of life. It's just so short when you
S5: when you look back on it. Right?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris, one of the things that I did
S6: toward the end of that service, I said, yeah, I
S6: just want to say a word to us. And I
S6: gave a couple words to us. You know, one was
S6: what I've already shared that we don't sorrow as those
S6: who have no hope. But the other is that little
S6: word in James. You know, when James said it's okay
S6: to have plans for the future for the next year,
S6: but just realize life is a vapor, you know, which
S6: is what you just said. And he said, we know
S6: not what a day will bring forth. And I said,
S6: I'm sure Stan did not get up that morning thinking
S6: I'm going to be hit by a car and killed today,
S6: you know. But the reality is, we do not know
S6: what a day will bring forth. Therefore, we should be
S6: using every single day to do the things that we
S6: believe God has in mind for us that day. Don't
S6: put them off, you know. It's okay to have plans
S6: for the future. Yes, but just realize we don't know
S6: what will happen today. So we should always be ready
S6: in our relationship with God. First of all. And I
S6: gave the gospel and shared it for those that didn't
S6: know him, today's the day of salvation, you know. But
S6: for those of us who are Christians, this is the
S6: day the Lord has given us. So let's use it
S6: in a positive way to impact others for God.
S4: Our program is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman and
S4: this is our Dear Gary. Broadcast for December, our last
S4: program of 2023. Happy New Year from all of us
S4: at Building Relationships and Moody Radio. If you have a question,
S4: call our number 1866424. Gary. This is not a counseling line.
S4: We can't call you back. But if you'll keep your
S4: question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it
S4: here on the program. So call today and leave your
S4: message at 1866424. Gary. Our featured resource is extraordinary Grace
S4: how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing love.
S4: Find out more at building relationships.us.
S5: All right, Gary, let's go to the phones. Let's begin
S5: with a question from a single man about a relationship breakup.
S1: Hi, Gary, I'm calling because I find myself in a very, um,
S1: big predicament. I have been with my girlfriend for almost
S1: four and a half years. The first one and a half,
S1: two years was was great, you know? I guess I
S1: really just started, like, coasting. And in return, I ended up, like,
S1: neglecting her needs. I know she had brought up to
S1: me a few times how she had wanted me to
S1: compliment her more, and she would have liked to like,
S1: you know, spend more time together cuddling all of that.
S1: And I would do it every time she bring she
S1: brought up, I do it, but I struggle with the consistency.
S1: And now she's told me that she broke it, breaking
S1: up with me. And I don't want this to end.
S1: I really love and care about her, and I've been
S1: struggling with what I should do to if I should
S1: continue to, to try, you know, maybe try and commit
S1: to doing these things that she loves, how she wants
S1: to be loved or I guess, what do I do?
S1: So I just was wondering if there's any way I
S1: could get some advice or some counseling. Thank you.
S6: Well, first of all, let me say that I'm empathetic
S6: with this caller because you're taking me way back when
S6: my first girlfriend, after dating her three years, broke up
S6: with me. I, I remember the pain and I remember praying, oh, God,
S6: change her mind, change her mind. And I remember writing
S6: her a letter, trying to convince her that she needed
S6: to change her mind. You know, just kind of help
S6: God out a little bit, you know? In retrospect, on
S6: this side, looking back, I'm glad God did not answer
S6: that prayer or I would not have been married to
S6: my present wife, who I've been married to for 62 years. Okay,
S6: so I guess what I'm saying is, it's certainly fine
S6: to pray, you know, to ask God to give you
S6: wisdom whether you should continue to pursue, you know, the
S6: possibility of restoring the relationship or not. Uh, but keep
S6: in mind, you can't change. You can't make her change
S6: her mind. If she affirms that she's the relationship's over
S6: and she doesn't want to continue, then we have to
S6: come to accept that. And I remember when I said
S6: to God, Lord, you know, I was I was at
S6: Moody Bible Institute when this happened. She wrote me a
S6: Dear John letter when I went off to Moody and
S6: I said, Oh God, I'm having trouble studying. I'm here
S6: to study and learn. And this is I, I'm having
S6: trouble studying. I'm so torn up about this. And and
S6: I said, I, I'm asking you to give me peace
S6: about it. You know, I've done everything I know to do.
S6: So give me peace about it and let me focus
S6: on the things that that you've called me here to do.
S6: So I guess I'm saying don't let the pain and
S6: the suffering that you're feeling keep you from being active
S6: in the job that you have. If indeed you have
S6: a job and in the ministry that you have, if
S6: you're involved with other people in the church or a
S6: study group, continue those things because God wants you to
S6: use every day to walk with him and to be
S6: his instrument for helping and serving others. So continue along
S6: those lines, even with the sense of loss that you have.
S6: And who knows? I mean, God may change her mind,
S6: but if not, God has a plan for your life.
S5: The other thing that it sounds like that he's doing is,
S5: is looking back with some regret that I. I wish
S5: I'd done this, I wish I had done that. This
S5: is a good opportunity not to blame yourself, you know,
S5: and to go that direction, but to say, boy, there
S5: are ways here that I really can grow, uh, if
S5: this person comes back or in another relationship. And that's
S5: a good process to go through.
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And, you know, apparently, it seems to
S6: me he, he was not consistently speaking her love language.
S6: And that's when I don't know if he understood the
S6: love language concept or not. But that's essential in a
S6: good relationship. And so, you know, getting that learning that
S6: concept that we have different love languages and we want
S6: to be consistent in speaking love to the other person
S6: in a way that's meaningful to them.
S5: If you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question for
S5: a future programme in 2024, call 866424. Gary. Leave your message.
S5: Turn down any noise in the background you know, the
S5: radio or anything else that's going on. If you're in
S5: the car, pull over, make it real quiet. We only
S5: want to hear the birds chirping outside. Call 866424. Gary.
S5: Next up is a parent who wants to love her son.
S5: She just doesn't know how.
S7: Hi, Gary. My question is, we have an adult child. Um,
S7: he's just about to turn 20. He does still live
S7: in our home. He is going to college full time
S7: and working full time. He has come to us, um,
S7: and told us that he is gay. And he would, uh,
S7: like us to allow his, uh, new friend to come over.
S7: And we are really torn on that. Of course, he
S7: knows that we believe what the Bible says about homosexuality.
S7: We love him and have made no bones about that,
S7: but that it is wrong in the eyes of the Lord.
S7: We are just wondering how to handle this situation with,
S7: you know, allowing whether or not to allow this person
S7: to come over. Is it? Do we love them? You know,
S7: trying to show Jesus's love and love them both, even though, uh,
S7: you know, we we can make it clear we don't agree?
S7: Or is that condoning the relationship that we don't agree with?
S6: Of course, this is a question that a lot of
S6: parents have been asking in recent years, since the practice
S6: of homosexuality has become more overt in our culture, and
S6: it's something that they try to wrestle with exactly what
S6: she's wrestling with. Do we spend time with this other person?
S6: Do we allow them to come into our home? Do
S6: we let them celebrate things with us that we would
S6: normally celebrate with our son? Or do we say, you know,
S6: this is wrong? We cannot we cannot condone this. And
S6: and so we can't allow you to bring him here. Uh, uh,
S6: it's a it's a very real question. And I think,
S6: I think many sincere Christians come out at different places
S6: on this. You know, there are some that are just
S6: staunchly say, no, you cannot bring somebody here because we
S6: don't believe in this, and da da da da da.
S6: And I understand that. And on the other hand, there
S6: are those who take the other approach he was talking about.
S6: And to say, you know, you already know that we
S6: certainly cannot condone this. We do not believe this is
S6: this is biblical and share that perspective with them. At
S6: the same time, we know that God loves everybody. And
S6: he loves you and he loves this person. And we
S6: want to be his instruments in communicating to you. We
S6: love you even though what you're doing, we believe is
S6: wrong and not pleasing God. And we want to love
S6: this other person because they need to know Christ. They
S6: need to have a relationship with God. And they take
S6: that approach. I'm not going to say which one is
S6: is right or wrong. I can say that I lean
S6: toward the latter, and that is loving them in spite
S6: of the fact that they're not doing what we believe.
S6: The scriptures teach clearly that that we should not be
S6: doing so. I hope the listener and others who are
S6: in that situation are hearing my heart. Either approach, I understand.
S6: I just kind of lean toward the feeling that God
S6: wants us to love people, even when they're doing wrong.
S6: As long as we communicate to them, you know that
S6: message we love you. In spite of the fact that
S6: we don't agree with what you're doing.
S5: And there are some who will. Here's the number. Call
S5: eight six. I know there are some who will say, well,
S5: you're going soft on on biblical truth and you're going,
S5: but I hear, I hear exactly what you're saying, your heart.
S5: Especially if these two have a, you know, some kind
S5: of a long term relationship together. And I think of
S5: the different people who have struggled with homosexuality that I've known,
S5: some who are very up front, Christopher Ewen, Rosaria Butterfield.
S5: And it's the people who reached out to them, not
S5: after they'd converted, you know, not after they became believers,
S5: but when they were in the middle of, you know,
S5: their struggle and they didn't even know they were struggling
S5: when they were in the middle of it. They just
S5: loved them and and showed hospitality to them.
S6: Yeah. I think it's the love of God that draws
S6: people to himself. And we're God's instruments to love the unlovely. Because, look,
S6: God loved us while we were sinners. Yes, and sent
S6: Christ to die for us. So he's our model. So
S6: I think I think we can proclaim the truth and
S6: stand for biblical truth and still be God's instruments for
S6: loving those who are not walking with God.
S5: But if you do draw the line in the sand
S5: and say, no, this is not you're not bringing him
S5: here or bringing her here. Um, and and you draw
S5: that line in the sand. The question that I have is,
S5: can you do that and still show love to that,
S5: to that son or daughter who's going through this? How
S5: do you other what what do they see other than
S5: the line in the sand. And you don't like who
S5: I love? Um, how do how do you convey still
S5: convey love while having that conviction?
S6: Well, I think, Chris, that would depend somewhat on their
S6: love language. You know, we want them to know, to
S6: feel that we love them. And so whatever their love
S6: language is, we can certainly seek to speak that love
S6: language even in the midst of our taking that that
S6: particular stand that we are, we're not going to allow
S6: them to be here in our house and we're not
S6: going to associate with them. You know, we can still
S6: take that stand and love our our child.
S5: Well, that is a really, really tough question, and I'm
S5: glad that we were able to spend some time on
S5: that here. If you want to ask a question. Doctor
S5: Chapman 866424 Gary. Or respond to something that comes up
S5: on the program today. 1866424 Gary, over the past couple
S5: of years, I've noticed one word that's come up again
S5: and again and again narcissist or narcissism. That's part of
S5: our next caller's question.
S8: Hi Gary. My question is how does a Christian walk
S8: out honoring their parents when one of your parents is
S8: a narcissist, particularly my father, I find myself not wanting
S8: to be around him. I work full time and a
S8: part time job. I'm tired a lot. He's married in
S8: another city with the wife but insists on coming. Even
S8: though I'm not his only child, he has other children
S8: that he doesn't have a great relationship with that could
S8: spend time with him if he wanted to, but it
S8: seems like the bulk of it kind of rests on us.
S8: My sister and I hear the problem with him coming
S8: is that he soaks up all of your time, no
S8: matter who's there. He is very comparison. It's just not
S8: a pleasant time. When he comes, I find myself the
S8: older I get wanting to distance myself more, but still
S8: knowing that God says that we should honor our parents.
S8: But you know, he doesn't tell the truth. He makes
S8: up all kinds of crazy stories that are not true.
S8: So that's just my question on honoring when you have
S8: a narcissist as a parent. Thank you.
S6: Well, let's face it. Uh, what she's describing is all
S6: too common in our day that adult children are having
S6: problems of one sort or another with their parents, and
S6: narcissism is one of those issues. When a person is
S6: so self-centered and nothing else matters except them and their ideas. And,
S6: you know, as you said, he's just all pervasive in
S6: terms of taking over. And no matter what's going on,
S6: it's all about him. Uh, it's very difficult. So I'm
S6: empathetic with this caller. I think we have to reckon
S6: with her. What are our options? You know, we can
S6: cut them off totally. I mean, there's one option. Of course.
S6: I don't think it's the best option, but we can
S6: just say. Dad. I can't have any more anything to
S6: do with you. Because da da da da da da
S6: da da. And so and and we can have a
S6: fractured relationship until he dies or we die. But I
S6: don't see that as the best option, because it's only
S6: as we have contact with a person that we have
S6: any opportunity to have a positive influence on them. Now
S6: I know after she's had him in her home for many,
S6: many times, she feels like she's not having a positive
S6: influence on him. But the fact that he chooses to
S6: come to see her and her sister, and not his
S6: other children, indicate that he feels comfortable or more accepted
S6: by them, more firm by them than they do the others.
S6: So apparently, uh, she is having a positive influence on
S6: his life. That's okay. It's okay to say at times, dad,
S6: I can't I can't, uh, we can't have you come
S6: this weekend because we've got da da da da da,
S6: and we can't. We wouldn't have any time to be
S6: with you. It's okay to do that. You don't have
S6: to have them every time they want to come. He
S6: and his wife, I'm assuming his wife comes with him
S6: at the same time. I would not cut him off totally.
S6: I would just recognize it's a very difficult time when
S6: he's here. But I'm going to try to treat him
S6: with respect, even though he may not, from the human perspective,
S6: deserve respect. I'm going to choose to do that because
S6: he gave me life. So I think we can honor
S6: our parents even though we're not necessarily feeling positive toward them.
S9: Yeah.
S5: Or because you gave the example of there's a schedule conflict,
S5: can't do it this time. I think it's a I
S5: think it's okay if she just feels you know what
S5: I can't do, dad, this this Saturday, I just can't
S5: I don't have it in the emotional love tank to
S5: be able to, you know, withstand that and to be
S5: able to say to him, dad, this Saturday is not
S5: going to work out. I'm sorry. Let's let's work on
S5: something later down the road. Do you agree with that?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because your own health, your own mental
S6: emotional health is important. And so yeah, if you just
S6: feel totally overwhelmed and feel like if he came this weekend,
S6: I think I would just fall apart. Well, no, it's
S6: it's fine to take that approach.
S4: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, New York
S4: Times best selling author of The Five Love Languages. You
S4: can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships at building relationships. Us. Plus,
S4: find out about our featured resource, Doctor Chapman's book, extraordinary
S4: Grace How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love.
S4: Just go to building relationships us.
S5: She loves him. But there's a pattern of abuse. Is
S5: there hope for change? Here's our next caller.
S10: Hi. Um, my husband, um, grew up in a toxic environment,
S10: and there's things in his past that have, um, had
S10: a negative impact on his life. His father was an
S10: alcoholic and an abuser. He is saved, and so am I.
S10: But that back? He's backslid for almost 40 years. I wonder,
S10: is there any hope for abusers to have a healthy,
S10: happy whole marriage? If yes. Do you know of any
S10: case studies where the abuser turns his life around and
S10: God has restored their marriage once again? Thank you.
S6: Well, that's a good question. I think that anyone who's
S6: ever lived with an abusive husband will identify with this caller.
S6: We hope that they're going to change. And yet, month
S6: after month, year after year, the pattern continues. I think
S6: for an abuser to change, there has to be a
S6: couple of things involved. One, we have to come to
S6: the place where we apply what I call tough love.
S6: You know, speaking a person's love language is a way
S6: to express love to them, and that's fine to do that.
S6: We should do that. Even when we don't feel love
S6: for them. We can still speak their love language and
S6: communicate to them, and they can feel love by us.
S6: But having done that over a period of time, I
S6: think it's a there's a place to say, I don't
S6: know how you feel about us and where we are,
S6: but you know, we've talked about this and your abuse
S6: of me and the children. Again, depending on how long
S6: this has gone on, you cannot just continue to go
S6: like that. He will not change as long as his
S6: behavior is accepted or allowed. So there comes a place
S6: to say, I love you too much. To continue to
S6: let you abuse me and the children. And so I'm
S6: going to move in with my mother, or I'm going
S6: to do whatever plan you have. Now, I suggest that
S6: you talk with a pastor or a counselor or somebody
S6: or a close friend and let them walk with you
S6: through this. Don't don't try to do this by yourself.
S6: Have somebody that you can talk with as you process this.
S6: But it's tough love. Often that causes that person to
S6: recognize they've got a problem and they've got to find help.
S6: So I would say when you get ready to do
S6: tough love, give them the name of a Christian counselor,
S6: give them the address, the phone number, tell them I'm
S6: not abandoning you. It's just I love you too much
S6: to help you continue what you're doing. So here's the
S6: name of a counselor. If you are willing to go
S6: for counseling and get help with this problem, then I'm.
S6: I'm willing to go with you to a marriage counselor
S6: and see what we can do to restore our marriage.
S6: But I love you too much to sit here and
S6: do nothing and just accept what's been happening. That kind
S6: of love is true love. It's tough love, but it's
S6: true love. And it's most effective if it's followed a
S6: series or a time in which you are speaking their
S6: love language. Because when you are speaking their language and
S6: then you take this approach, they realize they're about to
S6: lose somebody who's been loving them, even though they don't
S6: deserve that kind of love. So tough love sometimes is
S6: the only way to challenge them to reach out for help.
S6: But yes, there can be changed. God can change any
S6: personality pattern that needs to be changed when that person
S6: turns to him for help.
S5: And I hasten to say on that, we she didn't
S5: mention what type of abuse that she had gone through
S5: in this time. But if there's somebody listening who is
S5: being physically abused, if you are the spouse being physically
S5: abused or your children are being abused, that's the red
S5: flag to say I need, you know, I can do
S5: the tough love at some point, but I need you
S5: need to get to safety, right?
S6: Yeah, absolutely. Chris. Absolutely. Yeah. Because I think some stay
S6: there until they've been killed.
S11: By the other.
S6: Person. There's no place for physical abuse in a marriage.
S6: And the sooner you deal with that, the better. You know,
S6: sometimes this this erupts in the first year marriage. Well,
S6: that's when you ought to apply tough love. As soon
S6: as it erupts. It's far better to do it early
S6: on than to put up with it for a long time,
S6: because you never know when what they're going to do
S6: is going to be devastating, right?
S5: Especially if he's dealt with alcohol, you know, in the past.
S5: And that's been part of the makeup in his in
S5: his childhood. That's the other thing. You know, if you
S5: feel sorry for a spouse and you know some of
S5: what's going on in their past that can keep you
S5: from doing to from taking that step of tough love
S5: because you feel sorry they've had this, you know, bad thing,
S5: and you don't want to add to that, but you
S5: really have to you really have to keep the focus
S5: on loving them well, uh, as they are, rather than
S5: just pitying them for what they've been through.
S6: Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. And we're not helping them
S6: by accepting that or allowing that to continue. We're not
S6: helping them. We're just helping them be ingrained in that pattern.
S5: Yeah. Again, if you want to ask Doctor Chapman to
S5: question 1866424, Gary. Now, of course, we get a lot
S5: of questions about the love languages. Some of them are
S5: a little complicated because of whatever the situation is the
S5: people are going through. This one is bedrock. It's straightforward.
S5: Here we go.
S12: Hi, Gary. My question is my husband and I have
S12: different love languages. How is it that I can get
S12: my needs met for my love language? When my husband
S12: has a different love language? We know what they are,
S12: but it's difficult for my husband to show me love
S12: with my love language that I need to be loved.
S12: Thank you.
S6: Well, it's very, very common that a husband and wife
S6: will have a different love language. It's also common that
S6: by nature, we speak our own love language as we
S6: speak to them, what we would like to receive. But
S6: that's not meaningful to them emotionally because that's not their language.
S6: So I think if the husband has an understanding that
S6: him speaking your love language is the one thing that's
S6: going to meet your emotional need for love and how
S6: important that is, he you would think he would be
S6: motivated to do that, even though it may be difficult
S6: because if he didn't. Receive that love language growing up,
S6: and he never learned to speak it growing up as
S6: an adult. Yes, there's a learning curve, but you can
S6: learn to speak any one of these languages as an adult,
S6: even if you did not receive these languages growing up.
S6: So I don't know if you've both read the book
S6: not just taking the quiz, but read the book. If
S6: you haven't, then I would suggest read the book because
S6: the illustrations in the book may help him see how
S6: important this is. But if if he has that full
S6: information and he's not responding, I would just say to him,
S6: you know, I don't know how you feel, but I
S6: think I'm going to go for counseling because I'm really
S6: struggling and you just tell him how you're struggling. And
S6: I don't know if you're not motivated to speak my
S6: language or if you don't really just don't love me
S6: and you wish I weren't here, because that's the way
S6: I feel sometimes when I'm not receiving love from you
S6: and my love language. You haven't explained that kind of
S6: thing to him and he still doesn't respond. Then I
S6: would say even if he won't go for counseling with you,
S6: you go by yourself. And when he sees that you're
S6: so serious that you're going for counseling, he may begin
S6: to realize, man, this is really important, you know? So
S6: those are my thoughts.
S4: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S4: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. You
S4: can find out more about that at our website. Building
S4: Relationships Us as well as our featured resource. Extraordinary Grace
S4: how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing love again.
S4: Go to building relationships us.
S9: You know.
S5: Gary, a common struggle for many people today in this
S5: culture is anger. How to deal with it in your
S5: own life, how to deal with it as you encounter
S5: it with other people. That's what our next caller is
S5: asking you about.
S13: Hi, Carrie. I wanted to know if you could point
S13: me to some books or literature that would give me
S13: some good techniques to relate to others and reduce anger issues. Uh,
S13: in others. Anger issues. Thank you.
S6: Well, you know, Chris, this is a huge issue in
S6: human relationships. Uh, mismanaged anger. The emotion of anger is
S6: not sin. In fact, the Bible says God is angry
S6: every day with the wicked. If God is angry every day,
S6: anger is not a sin. I think we get angry
S6: because we're made in God's image and we have a
S6: concern for right? And when our sense of right is violated,
S6: we feel angry. Uh, but it's how we manage anger.
S6: It's the issue. So, uh, you know, years ago, a
S6: number of years ago, I wrote a book entitled Anger
S6: Taming a Powerful Emotion. And this is the resource I
S6: would suggest for this, uh, this caller, because it deals
S6: with the whole issue. Where does anger come from, you know?
S6: And what? How can anger be used in a positive way?
S6: I think think about this. All great social reform grew
S6: out of anger. Hmm. When did when did the the
S6: practice of slavery stop in this country? When enough people
S6: were angry and said, this is not right, this is
S6: not right. And they we saw the changes take place. So, uh,
S6: it's not it's not the anger. It's how we respond
S6: to the anger and how we respond to the other
S6: person's anger. So I deal with all of that in
S6: this book in terms of recognizing that there's really two
S6: kinds of anger. One is what might be called good
S6: anger or righteous anger. And that's when someone has done wrong.
S6: And we should be angry at wrong at evil. But
S6: the other is we get angry often because we don't
S6: get our way and our spouse doesn't do what we
S6: think they ought to do. And and that kind of
S6: anger is selfish. Anger is we're not getting our way.
S6: And so we get angry and we have to distinguish
S6: between these two. And then how do you process each
S6: of those. And the one you certainly are going to
S6: confront the person who's doing wrong lovingly confront them. I mean,
S6: that's the instructions of the Bible very clearly. Uh, you
S6: lovingly confront them with their what they're doing in their
S6: angry outburst and hoping that they'll see that and we'll
S6: begin to work on changing that. Uh, I think in
S6: terms of your own anger, also, if you can distinguish
S6: between is the person really done wrong or did I
S6: simply not get my way because you handled those differently?
S6: The other, the last one is selfishness. And you can say, Lord,
S6: forgive me that I'm so selfish that I get angry
S6: because they don't load the dishwasher like I think they
S6: ought to load it or whatever, whatever the issue is.
S6: And you can still talk about the issue, but you're
S6: not necessarily trying to going to insist that they change
S6: their behavior because what they're doing is not wrong. It's
S6: just not what you want them to do. So yeah,
S6: I think you'd find that book very helpless. It's entitled
S6: anger taming a Powerful emotion.
S5: What if she's dealing not with her own anger, but
S5: with the anger of other people, and she's coming up
S5: against them because it almost sounds like she wants to
S5: help change their behavior. And she really can't. She doesn't
S5: have control of that. Right?
S11: Yeah.
S6: Yeah. I think in a marriage and a close relationship,
S6: like a marriage, uh, one approach would be to say
S6: to her, you know, I don't know how you feel
S6: about your anger, but I just want to share with
S6: you that I am often hurt deeply when you lash
S6: out at me with the words or whatever, whatever it is,
S6: you know, I'm really hurt deeply. And I found this
S6: book on anger. Would you be willing to read chapter one?
S6: If I read chapter one this week, and at the
S6: end of the week, we could just ask ourselves, is
S6: there anything we can learn from this chapter? Would you
S6: be willing to do that with me? That's an easy
S6: request that you're making of them. Yeah, they may not
S6: respond to that, but at least you're opening up a
S6: door to possibly discussing this whole subject of anger. And
S6: if they're willing to do chapter one, then you do
S6: chapter two and just walk through the book. And as
S6: both of you are walking through understanding anger. Chances are
S6: you're going to begin to see changes in their behavior.
S6: We have to talk about it. It's not going to
S6: just go away. We have to talk about it. This
S6: is one way to open up a conversation.
S5: That's how I'm going to introduce you from now on.
S5: He wrote the book on anger, Doctor Gary Chapman, and
S5: I hope that encourages you today. How do you deal
S5: with the regret you feel about mistakes you made when
S5: your children were young? That's what our next caller wants
S5: to know.
S14: Hi Gary, I've been reading your books for some time
S14: and listening to podcasts as well as listening to you
S14: and focus on the family. And I want to thank
S14: you for your for what you put out there for
S14: all of us to follow. I'm just struggling with children
S14: who are adults now, and if I wasn't that perfect
S14: mom following your advice, then what can I do and
S14: how can I apply that advice today? Thank you. By.
S6: Well, Chris, I encounter this often in my office through
S6: the years of parents who are regretting, you know, some
S6: of their behavior when they were raising their children, and
S6: they see how that has impacted their child and they're
S6: struggling with what do I do with that? I think
S6: the first thing is to simply sit down with God
S6: and say, Lord, I know that I was not a
S6: perfect parent. So will you just bring to my mind
S6: where I failed? Things that I shouldn't have done or
S6: said things in a way I should not. And you
S6: get to get your pencil and paper and just write
S6: them down as God brings them to your mind. And
S6: then apologize to God about those things. And this caller
S6: may already have done that, because it seems to me
S6: they obviously are very concerned about this. Then you go
S6: to your your child, your adult child. And you say,
S6: I've been thinking about my life and looking back over
S6: my life. And I asked God to show me where
S6: I failed as a parent. And he gave me some
S6: pretty significant things here. And I've asked God to forgive me.
S6: And I'd like to share these with you. And I
S6: don't know if you can find it in your heart
S6: to forgive me or not. But I want to apologize
S6: to you. And you just share those things with them.
S6: They may forgive you, or they may say it's too
S6: late and walk away, but if they walk away, they
S6: are thinking, I never thought I would hear this for
S6: coming from my mother. They already have those feelings, very likely,
S6: but they never thought they would hear you apologize. What
S6: I'm saying is, God can use your apology to touch
S6: their heart and soften their heart. So I think that's
S6: that's that's in my mind the first approach to take. Now,
S6: on the other hand, don't think that your adult children's
S6: behavior is totally caused by your failures in the past.
S6: We are all free agents and I don't care how
S6: we've been treated as children, we have the ability, with
S6: the help of God, to respond differently in life and
S6: whatever negative influences we receive from our parents. We don't
S6: have to be controlled and we are not controlled by
S6: their behavior. Uh, we can have a good life, a
S6: healthy life, even though our parents did fail us at
S6: some points because there are no perfect parents, for that matter.
S6: So I guess I'm saying to you, don't take the
S6: full blame of your adult children's behavior upon yourself and
S6: sit around putting yourself down because of your past failures. Yes,
S6: we've all failed. Let's deal with it. Let's confess it
S6: to God. Let's accept his forgiveness. That's a that's a
S6: apologize to our children. But however they respond to us,
S6: let us go on living our life for God, because
S6: past failures should not be controlling your behavior either. This
S6: is a new day. And so today, let's walk with God.
S6: Let's do things positive with our lives in spite of
S6: the failures we may have had in the past. So
S6: I think that both of those things are important. Dealing
S6: with our failures, but also not taking upon ourselves the
S6: full guilt of what our adult children are doing. You know, listen,
S6: God's first two children went wrong. Yeah. Adam and Eve.
S6: They had a perfect father, God, and they still went wrong.
S6: Children will make decisions because they're human and they're free.
S6: And sometimes they make decisions that are poor decisions. But
S6: we are not the cause of that. They make their
S6: own decisions.
S5: I think that's a good place to stop and end
S5: the program here today, Gary, with, you know, the end
S5: of a year, the beginning of a new one, looking back,
S5: the regrets that you've had. And then our featured resource
S5: being the extraordinary grace of God, what we've celebrated with
S5: the incarnation that God cared enough about us to enter
S5: space and time to become one of us. You know,
S5: he was fully God, yes, but Jesus became fully human
S5: as well and was tempted, just like we are. Went
S5: through all of the things that we go through yet
S5: without sin, so that he could be the perfect sacrifice
S5: so that he could rob our sin, as one of
S5: the songwriters say, and give us his righteousness. And to
S5: live in that. I think that's what you're encouraging this
S5: person to do, to live in the truth of that. Yes,
S5: you've made mistakes, but you're living as a child of
S5: God who is fully loved, fully forgiven, and fully accepted, right?
S6: Absolutely, Chris. And, you know, I think, I think the
S6: book that we're acknowledging today, extraordinary Grace, which looks on
S6: the ancestors of Jesus, and you look at them and
S6: you realize, oh my goodness, these are ancestors of Jesus.
S6: And look at the things they did that were wrong.
S6: You'll be encouraged if God can use those people and
S6: allow them to be ancestors of Jesus on the human side,
S6: God can use you. I don't care what the past
S6: has been, God has a plan for your life. So
S6: let's accept his forgiveness. Based on what Chris has said
S6: that Christ did for us, and let's move on and
S6: live our lives for him and with him.
S5: If you want to find out more about that, go
S5: to the website. Building relationships with us. There are some
S5: great resources right there. You can take the quiz, the
S5: assessment for your love language. But you'll also see extraordinary grace,
S5: how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing grace.
S5: Just go to building relationships with us.
S6: And next week, helping your children put on the clothing
S6: of compassion, kindness, and love.
S4: A big thank you to our production team who worked
S4: hard all year long. Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building
S4: relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production. In a
S4: moody radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of
S4: Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and Happy New Year!