S1: Today on Bold Steps, Mark Jobe gives us some practical
S1: parenting tips.
S2: The school system is not a substitute teacher for your children.
S2: The church, society and programs out there are not to
S2: raise your children. You are the raisers of your children.
S2: You are the instructors of the children. You are.
S1: Welcome to Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. Mark is president
S1: of Moody Bible Institute and the senior pastor of New
S1: Life Community Church in Chicago. I'm Wayne Shepherd. As we
S1: move forward in our study of the book of Ephesians,
S1: Mark is going to be taking us to chapter six
S1: in order to help us glean some practical parenting tips
S1: from the text as we try not to exasperate our children.
S1: Today's message is part of our series titled When You
S1: Believe everything changes. And if you've missed any of these messages,
S1: you can catch up online at Bold Steps. All right,
S1: now let's get started. Today's message is called the Power
S1: of Role parenting. And here's our Bible teacher, Mark job.
S2: And he says parents or fathers, verse four, which could
S2: be used in a plural way for fathers and mothers. Fathers,
S2: do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in
S2: the training and instruction of the Lord. The second point
S2: if you're taking notes, write this down a parent's willingness
S2: to train and instruct spiritually will help shape the destiny
S2: of their children. Now, after having said children, obey your parents. Listen,
S2: if your if your mother or father says, do this,
S2: you do it. If they say this is the rules.
S2: That's the rules. If they say this is how you
S2: this is the rules of this household. Those are the
S2: rules of the household, period. Now, having said that, I
S2: want to make sure you don't leave parents. You don't
S2: leave this meeting beating your chest, saying, I'm dead. And
S2: I want to make sure you understand the other side
S2: of this as well, because it says, fathers, do not
S2: exasperate your children. What does it mean to exasperate? To
S2: exasperate means to lead them to seething hostility, or to
S2: frustrate them to a point that they become angry towards
S2: the parents? Um, sometimes there's a lot of anger in households, uh,
S2: from children to the parents, and there's seething anger. There's
S2: this feeling of frustration and anger that arises, and you're
S2: not always sure where it came from. And you're the
S2: household seems like, well, there's a lot of battle happening
S2: in my household. There's a lot of anger from the
S2: children coming towards the parents and the Bible says, hey,
S2: do not, do not exasperate the anger. In other words,
S2: don't stir that anger up by the way you parent.
S2: Let me give you a few things that lead to exasperation. And, um,
S2: I've taken this list and edited this list from a
S2: commentary that John MacArthur had in Colossians. And let me
S2: give you a short version of this list. Uh, ways
S2: that we exasperate our children one Overprotection you can exasperate
S2: your children and make them angry when you're overprotective and
S2: you never allow your children any liberty. Uh, they have
S2: strict rules about everything, no matter what your children do.
S2: Overprotective parents do not trust them because nothing they do
S2: earns their parent's trust. So children begin to despair and
S2: may believe that how they behave is irrelevant and that
S2: can lead to rebellion. Listen, uh, a few years back,
S2: when Josh McDowell was here, he said this I love
S2: this quote. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Some of
S2: you were raised in very super authoritarian households in which
S2: you demanded the you demanded respect and you gave rules,
S2: but you had no relationship with your your parents had
S2: no relationship, and your children may have obeyed, but eventually
S2: leads to rebellion. If there's rules without relationship, it leads
S2: to rebellion. And so if you are over protective or
S2: over demanding and don't give some latitude, then it can
S2: lead to frustration. Number two favoritism. If you show unwittingly,
S2: if you compare one child to another, like why can't
S2: you be more like your sister? Or your sister always
S2: had better grades, your brother had better grades. How come
S2: you can't be that way? How come you're the black sheep?
S2: How come I always have to look at them. How
S2: are your cousin? Is doing a lot better than you.
S2: Do not compare your children with other children. Your children
S2: are individuals. And if they begin to feel like they're
S2: the black sheep, or you show favoritism to another child
S2: in the household, that could begin to create a sense
S2: of hostility or frustration rising within them. Number three depreciating
S2: their worth. When when you when you deal with the
S2: children as though that that a child feels like they're
S2: not important to that you don't listen to what they
S2: have to say, um, or that, um, you don't give
S2: any time to them. They begin to feel like they
S2: have very little worth in the in the house. They
S2: begin to they'll bottle up anger and begin to feel
S2: exasperated or angry because there's never a listening ear number
S2: for unrealistic goals. If you set goals that are so
S2: high that demand perfection, and no matter how hard they strive,
S2: there's always a critical word about how they could do
S2: better or where they're failing. Then it will create frustration
S2: or failing to show affection. Parents need to communicate love,
S2: both verbally and physically to their children, or it will
S2: discourage and alienate. Do you know how many adult men
S2: in their 30s or 40s have sat down with me
S2: with tears in their eyes, broken and choking up, saying,
S2: I never remember my father once telling me he loved me.
S2: These are grown men. Quivering because they say, I don't
S2: remember my father once saying, I love you, son. Physical
S2: and verbal affection. Your kids need to know you love them.
S2: No child should ever have to think. Did my father
S2: or mother ever tell me I love, I love you?
S2: You should say it so much, so often that they know.
S2: You say, well, pastor, I'm just not that way. I'm
S2: not very emotional or very expressive. Then learn to be.
S3: I just feel awkward doing it because my dad never
S3: do it. Well. Hey.
S2: Break the cycle. Break it. Listen, unless you begin to
S2: tell your daughter you love her. Unless you begin to.
S2: Unless you begin to hug her, unless you begin to
S2: show appreciation, there will be some man there that will
S2: be willing to do that. And sometimes the wrong man.
S2: And she'll be driven to sometimes wrong choices, because she's
S2: looking for the love of a man that she should
S2: have found in dad through her father. Appreciating, loving her,
S2: affirming her. and she's going to look for it somewhere.
S2: She better find it in you. Dad.
S1: We'll continue our message in just a moment here on
S1: Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. But first, Mark, if you'll
S1: permit me, I want to share something that's been weighing
S1: on my heart lately. I've been thinking about how throughout history,
S1: God has always raised up people who prioritized his mission,
S1: even during some pretty turbulent times. Whether it was the
S1: early church during persecution or believers during world wars, or
S1: missionaries in hostile territories, there've always been those who kept
S1: their focus on advancing the gospel despite everything happening around them.
S1: And we've got a lot happening around us right now.
S2: And, Wayne, oftentimes it's.
S4: In the midst of a lot of turbulence and turmoil
S4: that people start looking to the heavens in special ways.
S4: And I believe that we live in a moment like that.
S4: And I just want to say that as a pastor,
S4: I've been a pastor for over 30 some years in
S4: the city of Chicago. I have never seen the openness
S4: that I've seen now. That's incredible. I'm having these conversations,
S4: especially with young people we've seen at our church. Over
S4: a thousand people come to Christ and get baptized in
S4: the last 24 months, mainly under the age of 35.
S4: Many that had no religious background and are just hungry
S4: for God. And I think the turbulence of the world
S4: has caused them to say I need something. And many
S4: of us as believers, we're getting too distracted by what's
S4: happening and not focused enough on the gospel. And so
S4: I want to bring your attention back to the opportunities
S4: that you have around you. That's what Bold Steps is
S4: all about. Regardless of what's happening in our world, we
S4: believe that the greatest news that needs to be proclaimed
S4: is the good news that Jesus.
S2: Christ is here. He's the Savior. And we do not
S2: want to miss this window of opportunity of so many
S2: people being open. So join us as we continue to boldly, passionately, powerfully,
S2: 24 hours a day through moody radio, proclaim the good
S2: news of Jesus.
S1: And at Moody, we're sending workers into that harvest, aren't we?
S2: We are. And so excited about that as well. Uh,
S2: we're sending people focused on the gospel. Bold steps, as
S2: you know, is making sure that we include a call
S2: to the gospel on a regular basis. And so excited
S2: to see people coming to Jesus.
S1: Well, you who are listening can invest your resources in
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S1: more about that gift later in today's message, but consider
S1: partnering with Bold Steps. Now back to the message here
S1: again as Mark.
S2: And sometimes we're good at it when the kids are little.
S2: Come here. We hug them, play with them, love them.
S2: But then when they get a little older, we feel awkward.
S2: I've discovered that sometimes men, as their daughters, get older
S2: and reach puberty, and our young women, sometimes they feel
S2: awkward with that. Listen, I believe your daughter needs to
S2: needs to be lavished with love all the way up
S2: into whatever year she has. In appropriate ways, of course,
S2: but lavished with loved, hugged and and let know that
S2: you love her, and that she is that both and
S2: your boys as well. Boys, as much as they'll let
S2: you hug them, right. They reach your age, dad. But
S2: but you know, you you live through that, you live
S2: through that, and you show them. You verbally affirm them
S2: physically showing affection. There's something about kids that know that
S2: they're loved, that are much more secure in their life
S2: as well. And some men Listen, some women need to
S2: learn this as well, but I especially find it among
S2: the men that have had austere, discipline oriented fathers that
S2: feel like if I show them affection, I'm showing weakness.
S2: They just need to learn.
S3: To.
S2: Rough it up and discipline. And they they never have
S2: learned how to show affection. And usually you're pretty bad
S2: at showing affection to your wife and to your kids
S2: and to your sons. Listen, it's something that you need
S2: to break and need to learn and need to learn
S2: that you, as a father, have the power to embrace
S2: your children, show physical affection and verbal affection often and regularly,
S2: so that they know that they are loved. Amen. Amen.
S2: And then criticism. You know, there's times of correction. But
S2: if your kids always live under criticism, it will wither
S2: their spirits. Neglect is another thing. If you are so
S2: busy and there's things like addiction or overworking or dysfunctional
S2: marriage that consumes you and your problems and causes you
S2: to neglect your children where they feel like you never
S2: have time, you really don't care. It's not a part
S2: because you're so consumed in your own stuff that they
S2: begin to feel neglected. Neglected kids will begin to develop
S2: a frustrated, angry spirit, and oftentimes kids that are neglected
S2: will start acting out to get attention, because what they're
S2: looking for is attention from their parents, and they'll take
S2: positive or negative attention, whatever kind of attention they can get.
S2: You show me a family that starts the the mom
S2: and dad starts struggling, and every time a child starts
S2: acting up, the first thing a counselor asks is, is
S2: everything all right at home? Because when things are not
S2: at right at home, a child feels neglected and they
S2: start acting out their frustration because they're looking for attention
S2: and they will take positive or negative attention, whatever they
S2: can get. And so there needs to be, regardless of
S2: what you're going through at home, there needs to be
S2: a sense of showing affection and care to your children,
S2: regardless of what your own personal struggles may be. Excessive
S2: discipline is the last one I'm going to give you
S2: that leads to frustration. Listen, you can you can provide
S2: excessive discipline so that it crushes the spirit of your children.
S2: Let me clarify something. I believe in corporal punishment for
S2: smaller children when it's very controlled and very limited. Never
S2: when you're angry. Never when you're frustrated. Never when you're
S2: out of control. When my children were small. This is
S2: how it would go if I used corporal punishment. And
S2: they were, you know, 5 or 6 years old, I'd say, okay,
S2: go to your room And I'll meet you in your
S2: room and explain and sit down. Bend over the bed.
S2: You get one swat. Of course. It was like they're
S2: going to kill him. Please.
S5: I'll never do it.
S3: And then it was one limited one.
S2: Parents that often use corporal punishment. They do it when
S2: they're angry. They start slapping, they start hitting. They start
S2: getting out of control. That is never listen. That is never, never, never, right? Ever.
S2: If you have a problem with explosive anger and it
S2: leads to physical mishandling over handling of your children, let
S2: me tell you what to do. If you're angry, you're mad,
S2: and you cannot control yourself. Listen, walk out of that
S2: house now. Get out of the house until you can
S2: calm yourself down, and then you can administer a a
S2: right discipline to your children. And by the way, when
S2: your children get get older, any kind of cultural corporal
S2: punishment is just uncalled for. When your children reach an age,
S2: there's a small window of opportunity when they're young, very
S2: limited discipline, corporal discipline. But when they reach an older age,
S2: when they get their teen years 13, 12, 13, I
S2: think that it's inappropriate to be administering corporal punishment because
S2: typically Scripture says, do not exasperate your children did bring
S2: them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
S2: I love this because it says, bring them up the ideas.
S2: Nurture them, nurture them. It's like carrying nurture. It's the
S2: word we use that's used for feeding your own, taking
S2: care of yourself. It says nurture them in a loving way.
S2: Bring them up. How? Two ways. One in Instruction and training.
S2: Look at what it says. Two words are used there.
S2: Bring them up in training and instruction. Training has to
S2: do with corrective discipline, and instruction has to do with
S2: teaching them. Listen, parents, I want you to understand this really,
S2: really well. The school system is not a substitute teacher
S2: for your children. The church is not a substitute teacher
S2: for your children. Your grandparents are not a substitute teacher
S2: for your children. Listen, society and programs out there are
S2: not to raise your children. You are the raisers of
S2: your children. You are the instructors of the children. You are.
S2: You say, well, I sent him a daycare to teach
S2: him then. No no no, no, daycare is not going
S2: to do it. I sent him in a youth group.
S2: I hope that you get him straight. No, no, no
S2: youth groups. Not going to do that. You are. You
S2: are the raisers of your children. There's no one that
S2: can be a substitute for a parent. That means that
S2: you have interactive time with them. That means that you
S2: get involved in their life. It means you talk. Oh,
S2: you say other teenagers. Hey, listen, I believe you can
S2: talk to teenagers. I've had a few of my own.
S2: I have a few of my own. Find ways, find
S2: hangout times. Things that you can do together. I have
S2: a 16 year old right now. He's behind the camera
S2: right there. So I always know where he's at at
S2: this service. He can't escape. You know, there's things that
S2: we like to do together. We've been working out together.
S2: Go to the gym a couple times, you know, just
S2: work out together. Why? It's a bonding time. Next time
S2: you see him, say, hey, I think your biceps getting
S2: a little bigger there. You know, that's dad's been coaching
S2: him there. I listen to his music. He listens to
S2: my music. His music's a lot louder than my music.
S2: He says it's Christian music. But, you know, I don't
S2: know because I can't understand the words. I just know
S2: it sounds something like.
S6: Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah.
S2: I actually like it now. I've listened to it so much,
S2: so much going in the car with them that I
S2: actually like it, you know, been to a concert with them,
S2: to it, got in a mosh pit with him. You know,
S2: I you know why. Finding common ground there. And all
S2: I'm saying is that I believe that you cannot raise
S2: your children unless you find common ground to get into
S2: the world, to hear the world know what they're doing,
S2: know what's going on, find some ways of instructing, coaching,
S2: getting involved in their sports or their school activities or
S2: things that you can do together, things that you can
S2: talk about. I believe you have to take an extra
S2: effort to do that, but I believe there's no substitute
S2: for it. And the day will come that you will
S2: look back at the season when your kids were at
S2: home and you'll say, I wish I would have. I
S2: wish I would have, and I want to challenge you.
S2: If your kids are still at home, take advantage of
S2: the door of opportunity that you still have. My daughter's
S2: at her first year of college. She's out of state.
S2: Thank God for texting. Facebook, Skype. At least a couple
S2: times a week I'll text her in the morning. I
S2: did this morning. Hey. Good morning. Love you. How you doing? Hi.
S2: I want her to know that that that relationship is there.
S2: I don't be I don't believe the teenage years have
S2: to be the worst years of your life, by the way.
S2: I believe they can be challenging, but I believe they
S2: can be. Some years that you look back and say, wow,
S2: those were great years. Good years they were at home.
S2: I had fun, I loved my kids. As they get older,
S2: you release them. The leash has to be unleashed. You
S2: can't treat a 16 year old like you treat a
S2: ten year old. They have to be released a little bit,
S2: and you need to know what the appropriate leash is
S2: to let go, but I believe, listen, parents do not
S2: buy into the lie that your kids don't listen to
S2: you anymore, that you're too far apart, that your opinion
S2: is not important. Listen, if your kids are still a
S2: part of your life, I want to tell you your
S2: opinion and your life influences them deeply. Don't buy into
S2: the lie that they're not listening. They are.
S1: Some great practical advice and instruction from the book of Ephesians.
S1: You're listening to the Bible teaching of Mark job, and
S1: this is Bold steps. Well, Mark, this was such a
S1: powerful message that many people needed to hear, I'm sure.
S1: But parents aren't the only ones who can make a
S1: difference in the next generation. Us grandparents, you and me
S1: and all the grandparents listening can as well. Your grandkids
S1: are close at hand. Mine are kind of far away physically,
S1: but we can we can encourage them, can't we?
S2: Yeah, absolutely. And I want to just highlight the understated
S2: influence of grandparents. And if you're a grandparent and you're listening,
S2: I don't want you to undervalue the power of your
S2: influence because you have both influenced the parents that are
S2: raising those children, but you also have the power to
S2: speak into their life and their destiny. My wife and
S2: I have five grandchildren now. We understand that we're not
S2: the primary raisers of those kids, but that they do
S2: value what we speak into their lives, and it makes
S2: a huge difference. So grandparents, pray for your grandchildren speak
S2: into their lives. Some of you have grandchildren who are
S2: not being raised in Christian households, but typically the parents
S2: don't resist. If you read them a Bible, talk to them.
S2: I have I know a lot of grandparents that they're
S2: the ones that are taking their grandkids to church. Even
S2: if their parents don't. And so there's a powerful influence.
S2: And I've heard testimonies over and over as, uh, adults
S2: get ready to get baptized, they'll say something like, it
S2: was my grandmother or my father or grandfather that taught
S2: me about Jesus that often. Don't I hear it a lot?
S1: I know growing up you lived thousands of miles from
S1: your grandparents, but were you aware of their prayers for you? Absolutely.
S2: Had some very, very godly grandparents, and although we didn't
S2: live close in other countries, I knew that they prayed
S2: for us and they let me know often. Hey, we're
S2: praying for you.
S1: Yeah. So if your grandkids aren't close at hand, you
S1: still have a ministry with them 100%. Wonderful. Thank you. Mark.
S1: And before we go today, let me remind you that
S1: we have a variety of bold resources and tools to
S1: help you experience the power and presence of God in
S1: your life each day. And right now, we're currently offering
S1: a book that may lend a whole new perspective to
S1: a battle you didn't even know you're facing. It's a
S1: book by author and pastor Mike Fabares, and it's titled envy.
S1: In a world of social media and constant comparison, the
S1: temptation of envy has never been more prevalent. That's why
S1: pastor Mike of Focal Point Ministries took time to write
S1: an entire book about the unique issue of envy, specifically
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S1: Wayne Shepherd on behalf of Mark Jobe and the entire
S1: Bold Steps team. Have a wonderful and relaxing weekend and
S1: be sure to join us again next week when Mark
S1: shows us how we can win the spiritual battles we're
S1: dealing with in our daily lives. That's coming up Monday
S1: right here on Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. Bold steps
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S1: Bible Institute.