WEBVTT - Dear Gary | January 0:00:01.360 --> 0:00:04.280 Five love languages for church people. I think they have 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:07.480 a language all to themselves. My 23 year old daughter 0:00:07.480 --> 0:00:08.520 has moved out. 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.400 Hates me. My husband hasn't touched me in years. 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:14.720 You never know how God's going to work in your life. 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:23.200 Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:27.160 the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:30.520 time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of January, 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:34.320 featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker. 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:38.880 There's a love language question ahead that I have never heard, friends, 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:41.640 but you're going to hear it today. Plus responses to 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:45.960 past conversations. A struggle with an estranged daughter and a 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:49.479 whole lot more straight ahead here on building relationships. If 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:53.120 you want more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. Visit 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:57.000 us online at Building Relationships. Us. 0:00:57.000 --> 0:00:59.540 You'll find our featured resource there. The book by Doctor 0:00:59.540 --> 0:01:03.940 Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple guide for Making marriage better. Quick, 0:01:03.940 --> 0:01:06.899 practical insights every couple needs to thrive. 0:01:07.380 --> 0:01:10.540 Gary, talk about that new project that you and John 0:01:10.540 --> 0:01:11.220 worked on. 0:01:11.700 --> 0:01:13.539 Well, you know, John and I have been friends for 0:01:13.540 --> 0:01:15.780 a long, long time. As you know, Chris, he works 0:01:15.780 --> 0:01:18.940 at Moody Publishers and has for many years. And we 0:01:18.940 --> 0:01:22.780 put our thoughts together and put together this book, A 0:01:22.780 --> 0:01:27.340 Simple Guide for Making Your Marriage better. Because I've long 0:01:27.340 --> 0:01:32.500 said to people, marriages either get better or they get worse. 0:01:32.500 --> 0:01:35.979 They never stand still. And so this book is taking 0:01:35.980 --> 0:01:38.619 people where they are and just trying to help them 0:01:38.620 --> 0:01:42.780 take steps to make things better. And very, very practical 0:01:42.819 --> 0:01:47.300 deals with a number of different topics with short chapters. 0:01:47.620 --> 0:01:51.340 I found that the modern reader prefers short chapters rather 0:01:51.340 --> 0:01:54.540 than long chapters. And so we have short chapters. At 0:01:54.540 --> 0:01:57.770 the end of every chapter, there's a there's a growth assignment. 0:01:57.770 --> 0:02:00.570 There's something they can do. There's a step they can 0:02:00.570 --> 0:02:03.010 take to make their marriage better. So I think it's 0:02:03.010 --> 0:02:05.650 going to be a book that many couples will find 0:02:05.650 --> 0:02:09.210 very practical and very easy to work through, you know, 0:02:09.250 --> 0:02:11.889 time wise. So I'm excited about it. 0:02:12.450 --> 0:02:16.210 So if I'm getting you and this comes out next week, 0:02:16.210 --> 0:02:19.770 if I'm getting you right, the the idea here is 0:02:19.770 --> 0:02:23.930 not how can my spouse make my marriage better for me? 0:02:24.690 --> 0:02:28.090 It's how can I and both of you are participating 0:02:28.090 --> 0:02:32.889 in this? How can I make the marriage better? By 0:02:33.050 --> 0:02:36.730 by doing something. By doing something practical and simple? 0:02:37.290 --> 0:02:40.850 Yeah, exactly. And reality is, I'm the only one that 0:02:40.850 --> 0:02:46.769 can change me. And I can't change my spouse. I 0:02:46.770 --> 0:02:50.770 can influence them. And I have a positive influence if 0:02:50.770 --> 0:02:54.010 I do positive things and I have a negative influence 0:02:54.010 --> 0:02:56.750 if I do negative things. So if I change my 0:02:56.750 --> 0:03:00.750 behavior in terms of making it more positive rather than negative, 0:03:00.750 --> 0:03:04.470 I'm having a positive influence. And then they decide, you know, 0:03:04.510 --> 0:03:07.310 if they. But chances are with a positive influence they 0:03:07.310 --> 0:03:11.070 will change because all of us are either getting better 0:03:11.070 --> 0:03:12.390 or worse individually. 0:03:13.110 --> 0:03:15.630 It strikes me with Valentine's Day coming up not too 0:03:15.630 --> 0:03:19.550 long from now. This might be a resource that couples 0:03:19.550 --> 0:03:22.869 could go through together. Not as you know, you need 0:03:22.870 --> 0:03:24.990 to read this because you need to change. It's like 0:03:24.990 --> 0:03:27.470 we're we're going to go through this together and learn 0:03:27.470 --> 0:03:28.070 and grow. 0:03:28.790 --> 0:03:30.630 Yeah, I think it'd be a great thing to do. 0:03:31.430 --> 0:03:33.550 And Valentine's Day is a good time to get started 0:03:33.550 --> 0:03:36.350 or Valentine's Month. You know, it's a month in which 0:03:36.350 --> 0:03:39.790 the whole nation is focusing on love. So yeah, I 0:03:39.790 --> 0:03:41.070 think that would be wonderful. 0:03:41.630 --> 0:03:46.230 Again, our featured resource at Building Relationships US is a 0:03:46.230 --> 0:03:50.870 simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights. Every 0:03:50.870 --> 0:03:56.660 couple needs to thrive. Just go to go to building relationships. Us? Well, 0:03:56.660 --> 0:03:59.340 since we're talking about a book that you co-wrote, Gary, 0:03:59.340 --> 0:04:01.740 with your friend John Hinckley, I want you to hear 0:04:01.740 --> 0:04:05.700 this next question about the love languages I've never heard before. 0:04:06.300 --> 0:04:08.940 It's a question and kind of an idea. 0:04:10.260 --> 0:04:14.420 Yes, I'm a pastor in South Carolina. This had a question. 0:04:14.940 --> 0:04:18.020 I have all your books. Most of them. Five love languages. 0:04:18.420 --> 0:04:21.540 But I have a question in reference to, uh, the 0:04:21.540 --> 0:04:24.460 five love languages. Uh, been on my mind for about 0:04:24.460 --> 0:04:28.220 two years now. Five love languages for church people. Um, 0:04:28.220 --> 0:04:31.140 I think they have a language all to themselves. And 0:04:31.180 --> 0:04:34.659 have you written anything on that or seem like a. 0:04:34.660 --> 0:04:37.900 I would love to even consider, uh, maybe as small 0:04:37.900 --> 0:04:41.780 as your thoughts or maybe having some input. Uh, if 0:04:41.779 --> 0:04:43.339 you choose to write on something like that, how I 0:04:43.339 --> 0:04:47.260 can maybe have a little input with that. Like I say, 0:04:47.260 --> 0:04:50.020 I'm from the backwoods of nowhere, but I just just 0:04:50.020 --> 0:04:51.840 want to. Have you did any writing on that? And 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:52.960 God bless you. Thank you. 0:04:53.960 --> 0:04:57.800 Well, I appreciate this pastor's call. And coming from South Carolina. 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:01.960 I am from North Carolina. So I identify, of course, 0:05:01.960 --> 0:05:06.080 with his his accent. Uh, we do have one. People 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:11.040 tell me. So, uh, what I hear him saying, Chris, 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:12.960 is he's talking about what? About a book on the 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:16.640 five love languages for church people. Is that what you're hearing? 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:19.240 That's what I'm hearing. Yeah. Yeah. Because they have a 0:05:19.240 --> 0:05:20.800 language all of their own. 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.920 Yeah. And I guess my thought is my first thought 0:05:24.920 --> 0:05:27.359 is what church people are people. 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:28.400 Mhm. 0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:31.840 You know, we're all people. And the love language is 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:36.400 applies whether people's Christian or non-Christian. If they choose to 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:39.640 meet the person's emotional need for love. The love language 0:05:39.640 --> 0:05:43.400 gives them information on how to most effectively do that. 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:47.160 I don't know that I would see there being a 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:52.349 special edition just for church people. Because I think church 0:05:52.350 --> 0:05:55.590 people are people and they have the need to feel loved. 0:05:56.350 --> 0:06:00.190 Maybe I'm missing something there, but that's that's my initial 0:06:00.190 --> 0:06:03.390 response to the question, which is not a good answer. 0:06:03.670 --> 0:06:06.070 I don't think you are, but because I think what 0:06:06.070 --> 0:06:09.469 he's getting to is maybe you would describe as a 0:06:09.470 --> 0:06:13.270 dialect of church people, you know, and the first thing 0:06:13.270 --> 0:06:15.550 that popped into my mind, it probably shouldn't have, but 0:06:15.589 --> 0:06:19.310 was the potluck and, you know, a church potluck. This 0:06:19.310 --> 0:06:21.750 is how we get together. This is how we fellowship. 0:06:22.230 --> 0:06:26.630 So there's a way that people communicate in church. Well, 0:06:26.670 --> 0:06:28.790 you know, with the language that they use and the 0:06:28.790 --> 0:06:33.230 terminology and hymns, which is different than, than the culture. 0:06:33.230 --> 0:06:36.589 But at the at the heart, you're saying people are 0:06:36.670 --> 0:06:41.710 people and you probably don't need a different addition for that. 0:06:42.270 --> 0:06:45.030 Yeah. That's my that's my initial response to to to 0:06:45.070 --> 0:06:49.090 that idea. And I do think, yes, There are certain 0:06:49.330 --> 0:06:51.570 avenues and places in a church. I mean, a church 0:06:51.570 --> 0:06:54.810 is a community, and there's an opportunity to relate to 0:06:54.850 --> 0:06:58.409 many different kinds of people because people are very diverse 0:06:58.529 --> 0:07:01.890 in a local church and understanding the concept of love 0:07:01.890 --> 0:07:04.850 languages and the other knowing the other person's love language 0:07:05.210 --> 0:07:09.330 will help you in meeting their need to feel loved 0:07:09.370 --> 0:07:13.010 by a fellow Christian who is walking with them. And yes, 0:07:13.010 --> 0:07:15.290 there are contexts in which that can be done in 0:07:15.290 --> 0:07:18.850 a church much more easily than just people in a 0:07:18.850 --> 0:07:22.770 community together geographically, because we have regular times that we're 0:07:22.770 --> 0:07:24.929 getting together and interfacing with each other. 0:07:25.370 --> 0:07:28.410 Well, you have just walk me through real quickly here. 0:07:28.410 --> 0:07:32.210 You have a military edition of the Five Love Languages. 0:07:32.690 --> 0:07:39.890 You have a specific men's edition of the five Love languages. Uh, 0:07:39.930 --> 0:07:44.330 you have a teenage edition. A children's edition, right? 0:07:44.370 --> 0:07:48.230 Mhm. It's for for parents of teenagers and parents of children. 0:07:48.270 --> 0:07:51.150 And then we have one for the teenager. Yes. And 0:07:51.150 --> 0:07:53.750 then we have one for the workplace. The five languages 0:07:53.750 --> 0:07:57.630 of appreciation in the workplace. We have one for couples 0:07:57.630 --> 0:08:00.990 who have just lost a baby to death or a 0:08:00.990 --> 0:08:04.350 young child. We have one for people who have special 0:08:04.350 --> 0:08:08.750 needs children and how this works with them. And then 0:08:08.750 --> 0:08:12.910 we have one with for caregivers of dementia patients and 0:08:12.910 --> 0:08:16.670 how this works with them. So we we've pretty much 0:08:16.670 --> 0:08:19.590 covered the bases I think. Mhm. 0:08:21.510 --> 0:08:25.230 Well and our listeners I'll speak for them. Very helpful 0:08:25.230 --> 0:08:27.710 to go into those especially. I was thinking of the 0:08:27.750 --> 0:08:30.710 keeping love alive as memories fade because a lot of 0:08:30.710 --> 0:08:34.230 people are dealing with that issue in their family today. 0:08:34.870 --> 0:08:36.630 Yes. Yes, very much so. 0:08:37.510 --> 0:08:41.550 Our featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, 0:08:41.550 --> 0:08:45.380 practical insights. Every couple needs to needs to thrive. Go 0:08:45.380 --> 0:08:48.380 to building relationships. Us. You can find the book right 0:08:48.380 --> 0:08:53.140 there at Building Relationships. Us. Gary, we've talked about the 0:08:53.140 --> 0:08:56.620 sexual relationship in marriage over the last couple of months. 0:08:56.620 --> 0:08:58.939 And one of the things you always say is not 0:08:58.940 --> 0:09:02.900 to discount what's going on physically for the person who 0:09:02.900 --> 0:09:06.620 isn't interested in intimacy. Here's our next caller. 0:09:08.020 --> 0:09:11.780 Hi Gary, just was listening to radio and heard on 0:09:12.340 --> 0:09:15.540 Y my about the sex life of a husband not 0:09:15.580 --> 0:09:18.580 wanting her wife. We have an issue in ours. My 0:09:18.580 --> 0:09:23.020 wife had a concussion. I'm just wondering what concussion does 0:09:23.020 --> 0:09:27.980 to the sex drive of a wife. Because she doesn't 0:09:27.980 --> 0:09:32.219 want me, actually. Actually has said she detests me. We're 0:09:32.220 --> 0:09:36.699 working on relational issues. I am clean as far as morally. 0:09:36.900 --> 0:09:39.580 I have been for years, but it's just been a 0:09:39.580 --> 0:09:45.920 turn really. More to the South since her concussion. I 0:09:45.920 --> 0:09:48.920 really appreciate, uh, who you are and what you do 0:09:48.920 --> 0:09:53.200 and how you're just being used by God. Thanks. 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:59.000 Well, I appreciate the question. Not being a medical doctor, 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:02.920 I don't really have an answer as to whether a 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:09.839 concussion or how a concussion would impact our wife's sexual desires, 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:14.400 so I can't medically answer that question. I do think 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:16.839 the reality that I think you said you were you're 0:10:16.840 --> 0:10:20.040 working on your relationship. You realize there's some room for 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:23.319 growth there. And I would say if you're not seeing 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.319 a counselor, I would encourage you to see a counselor. 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.880 And you might also even inquire of a medical doctor 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:32.920 that you may know, just, you know, not necessarily even 0:10:32.920 --> 0:10:36.080 in the office just to say, hey, does this, does 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:39.439 this impact the sexual drive of a female if she 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:42.310 has a As a concussion and probably a medical doctor. 0:10:42.790 --> 0:10:44.550 At least if he didn't know, he'd have some friends 0:10:44.550 --> 0:10:46.630 who knew. Who are medical doctors? Who would know more 0:10:46.630 --> 0:10:49.710 about that? But I do think that, you know, you 0:10:49.710 --> 0:10:52.990 need to process this because obviously that puts pressure on 0:10:52.990 --> 0:10:57.630 the marital relationship. So working with a counselor and letting 0:10:57.630 --> 0:11:00.910 him or her help you all walk through your feelings 0:11:00.910 --> 0:11:03.030 and being open and honest with your feelings in a, 0:11:03.030 --> 0:11:05.990 in a positive way, not a critical way, but just 0:11:05.990 --> 0:11:08.990 trying to understand each other better and asking, you know, 0:11:09.030 --> 0:11:11.030 how do we how do we deal with this, and 0:11:11.030 --> 0:11:12.910 what do we do? And are there things that we 0:11:12.910 --> 0:11:15.550 can do? So I'm sorry that I don't have a 0:11:15.550 --> 0:11:17.390 very good answer for you, but I do think there 0:11:17.390 --> 0:11:19.429 are people who can help you in that area. 0:11:19.910 --> 0:11:22.069 That was my first thought is, you know, what is 0:11:22.110 --> 0:11:25.709 what does her doctor say about this? And it sounds 0:11:25.710 --> 0:11:29.030 like there has been a change in her attitude toward 0:11:29.030 --> 0:11:33.710 him since the accident or however that happened. And so, 0:11:33.750 --> 0:11:37.190 you know, validating his feelings about what's going on. But 0:11:37.190 --> 0:11:39.250 if she says, no, I don't want to go to 0:11:39.250 --> 0:11:41.170 a counselor. What does he do? 0:11:42.210 --> 0:11:44.050 Well, I would say he can go to the counselor 0:11:44.730 --> 0:11:47.130 because the counselor can help him work through his own 0:11:47.130 --> 0:11:51.410 emotions with this. And men may discover some ideas on 0:11:51.450 --> 0:11:53.850 things he can do or not do that would make 0:11:53.850 --> 0:11:56.969 things better in the relationship. We're always better to have 0:11:56.970 --> 0:12:00.610 an outside voice speaking into a difficult situation. 0:12:01.890 --> 0:12:03.890 And if you hear a question that you'd like to 0:12:03.890 --> 0:12:06.449 respond to today, or you have a question about your 0:12:06.450 --> 0:12:09.330 own relationships, it could be something that you're struggling with, 0:12:09.330 --> 0:12:12.530 or maybe there's something going on that's really good. We'd 0:12:12.570 --> 0:12:17.370 encourage you to call our listener. Line 1866424. Gary. We'd 0:12:17.370 --> 0:12:24.370 love to hear from you. Call 1-866-424-4279. And you might 0:12:24.370 --> 0:12:29.010 hear your question or comment on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Well, 0:12:29.010 --> 0:12:32.370 I think you can hear it in this dad's voice, Gary. 0:12:32.410 --> 0:12:34.890 And I don't think he's alone in the struggle that 0:12:34.890 --> 0:12:35.690 he's having. 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:41.880 Hey, Gary. It's hard for me to say this, um, 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.680 without tearing up. I might have to call you back. 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:52.360 My 23 year old daughter has moved out. She hates me. She's, um. She's, uh, 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:55.760 part of the LGBT community. Doesn't identify as my daughter. 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:59.200 She identifies as they. And them. I offended the heck 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:02.040 out of her. She got all mad. I don't know 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:04.840 how to handle it other than be patient and try 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:07.960 to keep loving her. She moved to California and to 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:11.640 her friend's house. Her group of people that she's influenced 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:17.439 by all seem to hate their parents, and regardless of 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:19.600 how much we've done for them and how much we 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:23.439 love them, she feels that she's not loved. She banned 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:25.920 me from her phone. I can't reach her through Facebook 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:29.600 and I don't know what to do. I miss her. 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:33.480 Anything you can do to help? Love you. Thank you. Gary. 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:38.740 Well, you know, Chris, you want to cry with this caller. 0:13:40.540 --> 0:13:43.780 It's been interesting in my own counseling in the last 0:13:43.780 --> 0:13:47.380 2 or 3 years, I've had more and more parents 0:13:48.020 --> 0:13:51.500 who fall in this same category. That is, their adult 0:13:51.500 --> 0:13:55.780 children have shared with them. You know, I'm homosexual or 0:13:55.780 --> 0:13:57.740 I'm lesbian. I have a partner. I'm going to get 0:13:57.780 --> 0:14:00.620 married with da da da da da or whatever the scenario, 0:14:00.620 --> 0:14:04.580 but just, you know, dropping on the parents something they never, 0:14:04.660 --> 0:14:09.059 ever anticipated to hear coming from their child. And some 0:14:09.059 --> 0:14:12.339 of those children break off the relationship with their parents. 0:14:13.059 --> 0:14:16.700 There are also parents who break off the relationship with 0:14:16.700 --> 0:14:19.900 their adult children and say, well, if that's the path 0:14:19.900 --> 0:14:24.020 you're going, don't come back here. Either one of those 0:14:24.020 --> 0:14:28.300 is tragic. When a parent breaks off a relationship because 0:14:28.300 --> 0:14:33.680 of this information, or the adult child Breaks off the 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:36.760 relationship because they think, well, maybe my parents will never 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:39.000 accept it. They don't understand it. They don't love me 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:42.760 because of what I'm doing. Either way, to cut off 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:47.440 contact means that neither one of us can have an 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:51.720 influence on the other because we have no contact. And 0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:55.360 it's really, really sad for the parent. If the adult 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:58.720 child cuts off, the contact won't answer phones, won't respond 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:02.760 to emails, won't answer letters. We don't know if they 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:06.520 read them or not. I think 2 or 3 things 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:09.800 come to my mind. One is we have to recognize 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:14.920 that we are not responsible for our adult children's decisions. 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.400 One of the questions that parents often say in my 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:22.520 office is, what did we do wrong? That our child 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:27.280 has turned out this way? And I remind them, don't 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:32.390 accept responsibility for your adult children's decisions. Now, if you 0:15:32.390 --> 0:15:35.750 recognize looking back through the years that you did fail 0:15:35.750 --> 0:15:38.950 them in some ways, certainly if you have the chance, 0:15:38.950 --> 0:15:43.230 apologize to them for that. But even then, they made 0:15:43.230 --> 0:15:47.070 their own decision as adults. And that's a freedom that 0:15:47.070 --> 0:15:50.870 God gives everybody. We can all choose to obey God 0:15:50.870 --> 0:15:53.190 or not to obey God, to follow God's laws or 0:15:53.190 --> 0:15:56.430 not to follow God's laws. And I also remind parents, 0:15:56.430 --> 0:16:00.030 and I've said this before on the program, Chris, God's 0:16:00.030 --> 0:16:04.350 first two children, Adam and Eve, went wrong and made 0:16:04.350 --> 0:16:07.790 a horrible decision. And they had a perfect father. 0:16:07.830 --> 0:16:08.270 Yes. 0:16:08.510 --> 0:16:11.590 So parents shouldn't take the full responsibility for the adult 0:16:11.590 --> 0:16:16.230 child's actions. But this father is crying out for. What 0:16:16.230 --> 0:16:19.070 do I do? She's cut off contact with me. What 0:16:19.070 --> 0:16:21.390 do I do? And I think 2 or 3 things 0:16:21.390 --> 0:16:25.670 come to my mind. One is, I would say continue. 0:16:25.670 --> 0:16:30.330 If you know her address, continue on special occasions like 0:16:30.690 --> 0:16:35.770 birthdays or Christmas or Easter. Sending her a card. Something 0:16:35.770 --> 0:16:37.890 she can hold in her hands that was once held 0:16:37.890 --> 0:16:41.170 in your hands. And some writing on it that came 0:16:41.170 --> 0:16:45.690 from your hand. It can't hurt. They may not accept it. 0:16:45.690 --> 0:16:48.210 They may not even read it. But at least it's 0:16:48.210 --> 0:16:50.290 an effort on your part to reach out and have 0:16:50.290 --> 0:16:53.450 contact with them. If you don't know an address, of 0:16:53.450 --> 0:16:56.410 course you can't do that. If you know an email address, 0:16:56.410 --> 0:16:59.330 you can certainly do send a message. If you know 0:16:59.330 --> 0:17:02.410 a phone number, you can send the text. If there 0:17:02.410 --> 0:17:04.890 is a way to make contact, I would say reach out. 0:17:04.930 --> 0:17:07.889 Even though you don't get a response and even though 0:17:07.890 --> 0:17:12.210 they blocked your phone calls, etc., the other thing is 0:17:12.210 --> 0:17:16.690 what you're already doing, and that is praying that God 0:17:16.970 --> 0:17:20.770 will work in their heart and bring someone into their mind, 0:17:20.770 --> 0:17:25.530 into their contact. That will help them understand things better 0:17:25.609 --> 0:17:29.000 and recognize how tragic it is to break off contact 0:17:29.000 --> 0:17:33.120 with your parents because of how you feel that they feel. 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.920 And I don't know what verbal conversations went on when 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:38.920 she shared this with you. I don't know what you 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:41.639 said at the time. I don't know what how she responded. 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:46.040 But the ideal is when a parent hears that information 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:50.119 coming from that adult child is to let them know 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:54.520 I love you no matter what. You know that I 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:57.639 don't agree with that. And if it's a Christian, you say, 0:17:57.640 --> 0:18:00.440 you know that. I don't believe God agrees with that. 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:03.800 But you're an adult and you are free to make 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:07.240 your own decisions. I can't make your decisions for you. 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.920 I'm saddened by what you're sharing with me. But it's 0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:14.800 your life. And I give you freedom to live your life. 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:17.679 And I will love you no matter what you do. 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:23.080 That kind of approach tends to keep the door open 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:28.219 to the possibility of further conversations and further interaction between 0:18:28.220 --> 0:18:31.500 the parent. So and if I were talking to the 0:18:31.940 --> 0:18:34.860 young adult who has made decisions like this and is 0:18:34.900 --> 0:18:37.500 walking in a path that they know is contrary to 0:18:37.540 --> 0:18:40.979 what their parents believe and what the scriptures teach, I 0:18:40.980 --> 0:18:44.100 would say you have an attitude of Mom and Dad. 0:18:44.380 --> 0:18:48.020 I know this hurts you very deeply because I know 0:18:48.020 --> 0:18:51.619 this is not what the scriptures teach. In that sense, 0:18:51.619 --> 0:18:54.580 I know in your mind that I'm doing wrong, but 0:18:54.580 --> 0:18:57.420 I have to do what I believe I need to do, 0:18:58.100 --> 0:19:00.940 and I hope you will still love me, because I 0:19:00.940 --> 0:19:04.100 will love you. You gave me life. You cared for 0:19:04.100 --> 0:19:06.540 me all these years. And I want you to know 0:19:06.540 --> 0:19:09.859 that I will always love you. So you're keeping the 0:19:09.859 --> 0:19:12.620 door open as well either way. The more we can 0:19:12.619 --> 0:19:15.500 keep the door open, the better. But when the door 0:19:15.500 --> 0:19:20.660 is closed by one, sometimes we're limited to simply praying. 0:19:21.260 --> 0:19:26.290 But listen, that's a pretty powerful imitation, talking to God 0:19:26.850 --> 0:19:30.090 and asking him to work in their lives in his way. 0:19:30.170 --> 0:19:32.290 He knows how to touch their hearts. He knows how 0:19:32.290 --> 0:19:36.930 to bring prodigal sons home. So I think, don't underestimate 0:19:36.930 --> 0:19:39.890 the power of prayer. It would also be valuable, I think, 0:19:40.530 --> 0:19:42.810 if you could be in a small group. Some churches 0:19:42.810 --> 0:19:45.649 now have small groups that are for parents who are 0:19:45.650 --> 0:19:48.689 struggling in these areas, but be in a small group 0:19:48.690 --> 0:19:50.969 where you can share with other other families who are 0:19:50.970 --> 0:19:54.570 walking a similar path, or work with a Christian counselor 0:19:54.570 --> 0:19:57.209 and let them help you also work through your emotions. 0:19:57.210 --> 0:20:00.730 Because this is this is very, very painful, no question 0:20:00.730 --> 0:20:03.889 about it. And you need the fellowship, the help, the 0:20:03.890 --> 0:20:07.810 interface with some with other Christians who understand you and 0:20:07.810 --> 0:20:10.730 understand your beliefs and believe the same thing you do, 0:20:11.130 --> 0:20:12.970 but help you work through your emotions. 0:20:13.730 --> 0:20:16.010 The other thing you just mentioned, the prodigal. The other 0:20:16.010 --> 0:20:19.370 thing because this dad sounds to me like the same 0:20:19.369 --> 0:20:22.870 dad in The Prodigal Son. And you know, what you've 0:20:22.869 --> 0:20:25.550 said before is be ready when that phone call comes, 0:20:25.550 --> 0:20:27.590 or that knock on the door, or have the robe 0:20:27.590 --> 0:20:30.230 and the ring and the roast beef, you know, have that, 0:20:31.030 --> 0:20:33.350 have that ready. Be ready. Not not that they're going 0:20:33.390 --> 0:20:37.350 to necessarily change their life and their choices, but at 0:20:37.350 --> 0:20:41.270 some point they may decide, you know, it was pretty good. 0:20:41.270 --> 0:20:43.470 I want to get in touch with my dad. So 0:20:43.470 --> 0:20:45.550 be ready for that, right? 0:20:45.790 --> 0:20:48.550 Yes. And I've seen that happen. I've seen that happen 0:20:48.550 --> 0:20:52.790 on several occasions where after sometimes after 2 or 3 years, 0:20:53.510 --> 0:20:57.590 the adult child makes contact with the parents because things 0:20:57.590 --> 0:21:01.190 have happened in their life. They're getting older, they're processing life, 0:21:01.190 --> 0:21:03.710 and they're beginning to realize, you know, this is not good. 0:21:04.030 --> 0:21:06.870 And they take a step to reach out. And so 0:21:06.869 --> 0:21:09.630 you're being open armed, as you said, like the prodigal 0:21:09.630 --> 0:21:12.510 son's father. That's the very best position you can have 0:21:12.510 --> 0:21:13.469 when that happens. 0:21:13.950 --> 0:21:17.310 Waiting at the parapet. Okay. So when I heard that call, 0:21:17.630 --> 0:21:21.770 there was a voicemail that I remembered from a different program, 0:21:21.770 --> 0:21:24.690 but I want to play that here because I want 0:21:24.690 --> 0:21:27.010 to hear your reaction to it. But the topic that 0:21:27.010 --> 0:21:31.330 was being discussed was not giving up on something that's 0:21:31.330 --> 0:21:35.290 hard in your life. And this caller wanted to encourage 0:21:35.410 --> 0:21:37.330 other listeners. Here's what she said. 0:21:38.290 --> 0:21:42.409 Hi. I was listening to your show today about people 0:21:42.410 --> 0:21:49.090 not giving up, and my daughter was so awful. She 0:21:49.130 --> 0:21:55.010 it was just like more than 15 years of unbelievable things. 0:21:55.609 --> 0:21:59.330 I thought about suicide all the time, but I hung 0:21:59.330 --> 0:22:02.050 on with her. And I have to tell you that 0:22:02.050 --> 0:22:05.209 now she's almost 50 years old and she is the 0:22:05.210 --> 0:22:09.890 most wonderful person that you could ever ask for. She 0:22:09.890 --> 0:22:13.730 would do anything for anybody. She helps me all the time. 0:22:15.010 --> 0:22:19.840 And God is so good Because I was so close 0:22:19.840 --> 0:22:22.880 to the edge. And I just wanted to tell you 0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:27.600 that because it might encourage some other parents who are 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:31.480 ready to give up. They need to hold on because 0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:34.840 you never know. You just don't know how God's going 0:22:34.840 --> 0:22:37.600 to work in their life. Thank you. And I enjoy 0:22:37.600 --> 0:22:42.239 your show. Sorry for the tears. 0:22:42.320 --> 0:22:44.879 Well, you have to. You have to be grateful to 0:22:44.960 --> 0:22:48.800 that lady for sharing that, you know, because she went 0:22:48.800 --> 0:22:52.439 through a really, really hard time and and mentioned that 0:22:52.440 --> 0:22:55.840 she even contemplated suicide along the way because this had 0:22:55.840 --> 0:22:58.120 happened to her and she just felt like such a failure. 0:22:58.160 --> 0:23:01.159 ET cetera. ET cetera. But not giving up. That's a 0:23:01.160 --> 0:23:04.400 good word for anyone who's in a difficult situation, that 0:23:04.400 --> 0:23:10.720 you cannot immediately change yourself and keep open. Because, listen, 0:23:10.720 --> 0:23:14.840 people are always changing. We don't stay the same. We're changing. 0:23:15.480 --> 0:23:19.419 And that adult child in five years or ten years 0:23:19.420 --> 0:23:22.460 may be a different person than they are today. And 0:23:22.460 --> 0:23:26.220 God has a way of drawing people to himself and 0:23:26.300 --> 0:23:31.180 redeeming them and changing their whole perspective in life. So yeah, 0:23:31.220 --> 0:23:33.020 don't give up. That's a good message. 0:23:33.380 --> 0:23:37.500 15 years, she said. Yeah. And this is not prescriptive. 0:23:37.540 --> 0:23:39.980 It didn't play that here. You know, wait 15 years 0:23:39.980 --> 0:23:42.740 and this will happen. You can't you're not guaranteed of 0:23:42.740 --> 0:23:46.260 any any of the outcome here. But what she is 0:23:46.260 --> 0:23:50.820 saying is I kept my heart open and pliable. And 0:23:50.820 --> 0:23:54.500 I didn't give up hope for myself or for my daughter. 0:23:54.940 --> 0:23:58.700 And things eventually did turn around. So you open the door, 0:23:58.740 --> 0:24:01.620 as you say, open the door for the opportunity that 0:24:01.619 --> 0:24:04.460 something good is going to happen down the road. And 0:24:04.460 --> 0:24:06.899 one of those prayers that I've heard you talk about 0:24:06.900 --> 0:24:10.220 too is, oh God, bring someone in their life who 0:24:10.220 --> 0:24:14.260 knows you and who loves you and wants to love them. 0:24:15.050 --> 0:24:17.649 You know, the words from a mom or a dad 0:24:17.650 --> 0:24:19.850 might fall on deaf ears, but the words of a 0:24:19.850 --> 0:24:23.409 friend who really comes alongside them might be the thing 0:24:23.410 --> 0:24:24.810 that turns the light on. 0:24:25.210 --> 0:24:29.290 Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. We don't know how God 0:24:29.850 --> 0:24:33.010 can reach out to people and how he will, but 0:24:33.010 --> 0:24:35.450 we do know God has the power to do that, 0:24:35.450 --> 0:24:38.850 and we know that God loves them no matter what 0:24:38.850 --> 0:24:42.290 they've done. You cannot read the Bible without understanding. God 0:24:42.290 --> 0:24:45.450 loves people who do horrible things, and he wants them 0:24:45.450 --> 0:24:48.490 to come to him and he reaches out to them. 0:24:48.810 --> 0:24:52.450 We're still free. We can make our decisions, but God 0:24:52.450 --> 0:24:55.290 does reach out and seek to bring us to himself. 0:24:55.690 --> 0:24:59.090 And so, as parents, we don't know what the outcome 0:24:59.090 --> 0:25:01.970 will be. And that's why we put the person in 0:25:01.970 --> 0:25:04.450 God's hand and say, Lord, I've done all I know 0:25:04.450 --> 0:25:06.890 to do at this juncture. I want to release them 0:25:06.890 --> 0:25:09.129 and put them in your hands and pray that you'll 0:25:09.130 --> 0:25:12.210 work in their lives. Now help me to go on 0:25:12.210 --> 0:25:15.429 with my life. And in spite of my hurt. To 0:25:15.470 --> 0:25:17.990 do what you have in mind for my life. And 0:25:17.990 --> 0:25:22.630 don't allow the decisions of your adult children to cripple 0:25:22.630 --> 0:25:25.510 you and lead you to do something less than what 0:25:25.590 --> 0:25:27.310 God has in mind for your life. 0:25:32.670 --> 0:25:36.750 You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. 0:25:36.750 --> 0:25:40.270 If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll 0:25:40.270 --> 0:25:43.510 see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author, 0:25:43.510 --> 0:25:46.669 John Hinckley. It's the book a simple guide for making 0:25:46.670 --> 0:25:51.030 marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive. 0:25:51.310 --> 0:25:55.070 Just go to building relationships us. Plus, while you're there, 0:25:55.070 --> 0:25:57.390 find out when Gary might be coming to your area 0:25:57.390 --> 0:26:01.070 for a seminar. Just go to Building Relationships Us. 0:26:01.990 --> 0:26:04.270 And don't forget you can ask Gary a question by 0:26:04.270 --> 0:26:10.109 calling us at 1866424. Gary, call that number, leave your 0:26:10.109 --> 0:26:12.500 message and you might hear an answer on a future. 0:26:12.500 --> 0:26:21.700 Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I have a question I want 0:26:21.740 --> 0:26:25.500 to read instead of hearing the person's voice who called 0:26:25.540 --> 0:26:28.780 or keep them anonymous. He says, I've been a Christian 0:26:28.780 --> 0:26:33.260 for about 40 years. I've been married 27 years. My 0:26:33.260 --> 0:26:36.620 wife is not interested in sexual intimacy. In fact, she 0:26:36.619 --> 0:26:40.260 thinks it's ungodly. She doesn't say that, but that's the 0:26:40.260 --> 0:26:43.620 way she treats the subject. She thinks it's a hindrance 0:26:43.619 --> 0:26:47.700 to God and a hindrance to her life. So, Gary, 0:26:47.740 --> 0:26:50.620 what do you say to this husband? And what would 0:26:50.619 --> 0:26:53.300 you say to her if she were listening today? 0:26:53.940 --> 0:26:59.500 Well, I think the scriptures are rather clear about sexuality. 0:26:59.740 --> 0:27:03.380 It was God's idea. It was not our idea. He 0:27:03.380 --> 0:27:07.739 made us male and female. He instituted marriage. And the 0:27:07.740 --> 0:27:10.399 sexual part of the marriage is an important part of 0:27:10.400 --> 0:27:12.720 the marriage. I mean, the Bible is very, very clear 0:27:12.720 --> 0:27:17.200 on that. Now, you know what led her to her attitudes? 0:27:17.520 --> 0:27:19.880 I don't know, you know, whether it was things that 0:27:19.880 --> 0:27:22.760 happened to her as she was growing up. Many times 0:27:22.760 --> 0:27:26.640 people were sexually abused along the way, for example, sometimes 0:27:26.640 --> 0:27:30.000 they've never told anyone about it. But it does affect 0:27:30.000 --> 0:27:34.440 their perspective on this part of the relationship because they 0:27:34.440 --> 0:27:37.840 have the pain attached to what happened to them. And 0:27:37.840 --> 0:27:41.639 even in marriage, they carry that with them emotionally. So 0:27:41.640 --> 0:27:44.920 there's something going on there. I would say if she's 0:27:44.920 --> 0:27:48.520 open to talk with a counselor about this, that could 0:27:48.520 --> 0:27:51.880 be very, very helpful because the counselor could help her 0:27:51.880 --> 0:27:56.440 discover why she feels the way she feels about this 0:27:56.440 --> 0:28:00.639 and her being heard by someone other than him. He's 0:28:00.640 --> 0:28:03.520 not likely the one that's going to convince her. You 0:28:03.520 --> 0:28:06.920 know that she should be thinking differently about this. It's 0:28:07.100 --> 0:28:09.940 probably going to be someone outside the marriage that will 0:28:09.940 --> 0:28:13.060 help her see that. And a Christian counselor and I 0:28:13.060 --> 0:28:16.740 emphasize Christian counselor would be the best person for her 0:28:16.740 --> 0:28:19.379 to see. So I think if he just says, honey, 0:28:19.420 --> 0:28:21.940 you know, this is really troubling to me, and I 0:28:21.940 --> 0:28:25.060 know it may not be troubling to you, but would 0:28:25.060 --> 0:28:27.979 you be willing to go to a Christian counselor? I 0:28:27.980 --> 0:28:29.659 don't have to go with you, or I'm willing to 0:28:29.660 --> 0:28:32.659 go with you. Either way, whatever you think would be best. 0:28:32.820 --> 0:28:36.619 But I just feel like you need to understand yourself 0:28:36.619 --> 0:28:39.700 better and where this is coming from. And I love 0:28:39.700 --> 0:28:43.420 you too much just to do nothing and just drift 0:28:43.420 --> 0:28:46.540 along here when I feel like we're missing out on 0:28:46.540 --> 0:28:49.820 a part of what God intended marriage to be. So. 0:28:49.860 --> 0:28:52.540 And if she's open to that, if she's not open 0:28:52.540 --> 0:28:56.860 to him, he might talk with a friend of hers 0:28:56.860 --> 0:28:59.820 and let that friend know what's going on. Because sometimes 0:28:59.820 --> 0:29:03.100 women respond to their friends. I don't know if she's 0:29:03.100 --> 0:29:06.890 in a small group of ladies or not. But sometimes, 0:29:07.250 --> 0:29:10.130 obviously ladies bring up things like this and talk with 0:29:10.130 --> 0:29:13.690 other ladies about it. Uh, I wouldn't simply give up 0:29:13.690 --> 0:29:15.770 on it and just say, well, that's just the way 0:29:15.770 --> 0:29:18.170 she is. And I guess the next 20 years, we're just. 0:29:18.210 --> 0:29:20.890 This won't be a part of our relationship. Let's make 0:29:20.890 --> 0:29:25.090 every effort to try to help her understand herself and 0:29:25.090 --> 0:29:27.850 where this is coming from. And as I said, I 0:29:27.850 --> 0:29:30.450 think a Christian counselor is the best person, the best 0:29:30.450 --> 0:29:33.530 possible person to relate to that person and deal with 0:29:33.530 --> 0:29:34.170 that issue. 0:29:35.130 --> 0:29:38.970 That's Doctor Gary Chapman. This is building relationships with Doctor 0:29:38.970 --> 0:29:43.370 Gary Chapman. You know him from the five Love Languages, perhaps. 0:29:43.370 --> 0:29:46.530 And here's a question. You mentioned small groups. A few 0:29:46.530 --> 0:29:50.090 times in our calls. We've had question like this one. 0:29:50.090 --> 0:29:53.490 It's about small groups studying the five love languages. 0:29:54.690 --> 0:30:00.130 Hi Gary, I'm interested in knowing is there a way 0:30:00.130 --> 0:30:04.910 to teach the five love Languages to a mixed group 0:30:05.630 --> 0:30:14.110 of multi-aged adults. Singles. Married couples that are all white 0:30:14.150 --> 0:30:16.950 together in one Bible study. And we're in a small 0:30:16.950 --> 0:30:19.950 church and it would be like a Wednesday night Bible study. 0:30:20.470 --> 0:30:25.710 Do you have any materials that would be especially appropriate 0:30:25.710 --> 0:30:29.870 to teach that group? Thank you for letting me ask 0:30:29.870 --> 0:30:30.790 the question. 0:30:32.110 --> 0:30:35.190 My answer is yes. You know, with the five love 0:30:35.190 --> 0:30:38.270 language book. That's the one that has been out for 0:30:38.270 --> 0:30:42.750 many years now. It's addressed to married couples. There's also 0:30:42.750 --> 0:30:46.790 a workbook that goes with the book. That is, each 0:30:46.790 --> 0:30:49.350 person would read a chapter in the book that week, 0:30:49.470 --> 0:30:52.190 and then they would take the workbook and answer the 0:30:52.190 --> 0:30:55.190 questions in the workbook, and then you'd get together and 0:30:55.190 --> 0:30:58.550 discuss that with the with the small group. Now there's 0:30:58.550 --> 0:31:00.590 also and may you may or may not be familiar 0:31:00.590 --> 0:31:04.980 with this the five love languages for singles single adults. 0:31:05.180 --> 0:31:08.420 It's the same five love languages and applies the concept 0:31:08.420 --> 0:31:13.340 in all of the singles relationships relationship with their parents, 0:31:13.340 --> 0:31:18.300 with their siblings, with their college roommates, with their work associates. 0:31:18.740 --> 0:31:21.820 And then with that, there's also a workbook. So the 0:31:21.820 --> 0:31:25.460 single adult could be reading that edition and doing working 0:31:25.460 --> 0:31:28.460 through that book at the same time. The married couples 0:31:28.460 --> 0:31:30.940 are working through the other book. So I think I 0:31:30.940 --> 0:31:34.900 think those together, the original book, each of those, and 0:31:34.900 --> 0:31:38.220 then the workbook for each of those would be a 0:31:38.260 --> 0:31:42.020 real asset to anyone who's trying to lead a group 0:31:42.020 --> 0:31:45.380 that includes both of those people. And it could be 0:31:45.500 --> 0:31:48.060 that depending on how many people are in the group 0:31:48.060 --> 0:31:50.260 and how many singles are in the group, but it 0:31:50.260 --> 0:31:52.580 could be that going through this process, you might want 0:31:52.580 --> 0:31:55.140 to have two groups, you know, one for married couples, 0:31:55.140 --> 0:31:57.660 one for singles on this particular topic. Then you could 0:31:57.660 --> 0:32:01.600 come back together later, you know, in some other topic, 0:32:02.200 --> 0:32:04.600 but you'd have to decide that for yourself. But those 0:32:04.600 --> 0:32:06.880 are the resources that are available that I think you 0:32:06.920 --> 0:32:08.920 would find helpful in leading a small group. 0:32:09.240 --> 0:32:11.600 Have you heard feedback from people who have been in 0:32:11.600 --> 0:32:14.920 a small group? Because I know if you read it 0:32:14.920 --> 0:32:16.800 on your own, or if you read it as a 0:32:16.840 --> 0:32:20.160 couple together and talk about it, that's great. But what 0:32:20.160 --> 0:32:24.120 are the advantages of having a bunch of people together, 0:32:24.200 --> 0:32:26.840 having the conversation about the love languages? 0:32:27.520 --> 0:32:32.000 I think it's been very helpful, Chris, because what it does, 0:32:32.000 --> 0:32:34.520 one couple will bring up something that they're struggling with 0:32:34.520 --> 0:32:37.920 or some question they have that another person may have 0:32:37.920 --> 0:32:39.880 had that may have had a similar question, but they've 0:32:39.880 --> 0:32:42.440 never asked it because they weren't with anyone they were 0:32:42.440 --> 0:32:45.160 open to ask it about. But in a small group 0:32:45.160 --> 0:32:48.560 that's a part of the dynamics. We can ask questions. 0:32:48.560 --> 0:32:51.080 We can share ideas with each other. If someone brings 0:32:51.080 --> 0:32:54.000 up a question, another couple may say, well, this is 0:32:54.000 --> 0:32:57.400 the way we've handled that. So I think, yes, it's 0:32:57.400 --> 0:33:00.950 it's wonderful. I think it's an asset to be working 0:33:00.950 --> 0:33:04.350 through the five love languages with a group, because you 0:33:04.350 --> 0:33:07.790 do get ideas that will help the other person or 0:33:07.790 --> 0:33:10.630 you have, you can share an idea that will help them. 0:33:10.630 --> 0:33:13.670 So yeah, it's a positive thing to take a group 0:33:13.670 --> 0:33:15.110 through the five love languages. 0:33:15.150 --> 0:33:15.950 Yes. So if you have. 0:33:15.950 --> 0:33:18.310 A question like that, we'd love to hear from you. 0:33:18.310 --> 0:33:27.110 86642 for Gary 1-866-424-4279. For Anonymity's sake, I'm going to 0:33:27.110 --> 0:33:29.670 read this next question as well, and feel free to 0:33:29.710 --> 0:33:32.190 do that if you want to call, but you don't 0:33:32.190 --> 0:33:34.910 want your voice on the radio, just let us know that. 0:33:34.910 --> 0:33:36.990 Here's the question. And this is one I don't think 0:33:36.990 --> 0:33:39.910 I've ever heard before either. Gary, I'm reading one of 0:33:39.910 --> 0:33:43.550 your books, Doctor Chapman on marriage, and it says here 0:33:43.550 --> 0:33:46.190 that if I need further assistance to speak with my 0:33:46.190 --> 0:33:50.230 church pastor about my situation, we are having big issues 0:33:50.230 --> 0:33:53.590 in my marriage. My problem is I can't go to 0:33:53.590 --> 0:33:57.810 my pastor because he's a close relative and as I 0:33:57.890 --> 0:34:00.930 see it, he's creating some of the problems that we 0:34:00.930 --> 0:34:03.570 have in our marriage. I don't know what to do 0:34:03.610 --> 0:34:05.930 or who to go to for help. I need guidance. 0:34:06.010 --> 0:34:08.450 Where do I go? I don't know what to do. 0:34:09.690 --> 0:34:11.969 Well, I can understand that you would not want to 0:34:12.010 --> 0:34:15.890 go to your pastor if he's a relative of yours. 0:34:15.930 --> 0:34:19.089 I can understand that. And especially if you think he's 0:34:19.090 --> 0:34:24.049 part of the problem. But there are other pastors and 0:34:24.050 --> 0:34:27.690 other churches in the neighborhood to call and ask to 0:34:27.690 --> 0:34:30.770 speak with the pastor or ask, you know, do you 0:34:30.770 --> 0:34:34.330 have someone in your church that does marriage counseling or 0:34:34.330 --> 0:34:38.450 marriage coaching? Sometimes they use the term coaching. And chances 0:34:38.450 --> 0:34:42.010 are you will find some other churches that has someone, 0:34:42.010 --> 0:34:45.290 maybe not the pastor, maybe someone else, or whom do 0:34:45.290 --> 0:34:50.130 you recommend? Many times pastors know who the local Christian 0:34:50.130 --> 0:34:54.630 counselors are because counselors try to build bridges to To pastors. 0:34:54.630 --> 0:34:57.910 So you know, you're not limited to going to your pastor. 0:34:58.590 --> 0:35:01.750 You can get information from other churches as to who 0:35:01.750 --> 0:35:06.710 the Christian counselors are in your area. Another source, of course, 0:35:07.070 --> 0:35:10.910 would be to go to focus on the family, and 0:35:10.910 --> 0:35:14.989 they can also give you a list of counselors that 0:35:14.989 --> 0:35:18.069 are in your area. Christian counselors in your area. So 0:35:18.070 --> 0:35:21.589 you can Google them and call them and ask, you know, 0:35:21.590 --> 0:35:24.070 how do we do this? And they'll they'll give you 0:35:24.070 --> 0:35:26.669 the folks who are in your area. 0:35:26.710 --> 0:35:28.870 Gary, I mentioned the programs that we've done in the 0:35:28.870 --> 0:35:31.310 last few weeks on intimacy and marriage. Some of the 0:35:31.310 --> 0:35:35.310 calls are coming in about that. This wife decided to 0:35:35.350 --> 0:35:37.989 pick up the phone and ask this question. 0:35:39.110 --> 0:35:41.670 Hi. I'm like the women that you're talking about. My 0:35:41.670 --> 0:35:45.350 husband hasn't touched me in years. Says it doesn't work, 0:35:45.830 --> 0:35:49.830 but yet he watches porn. So if it doesn't work, 0:35:49.950 --> 0:35:53.819 why would a man want to watch porn? I don't 0:35:53.820 --> 0:35:58.060 understand that. Maybe it's just me. He doesn't want. We 0:35:58.060 --> 0:36:02.420 don't talk very much. Communication is bad. Any thoughts would 0:36:02.460 --> 0:36:04.740 be appreciated. Thank you. Bye. 0:36:06.380 --> 0:36:10.340 Well, obviously, this is a very difficult situation for a wife, 0:36:10.580 --> 0:36:14.100 which we had the whole program on that. When a 0:36:14.100 --> 0:36:17.779 husband expresses no interest in being sexually active with her, 0:36:18.500 --> 0:36:21.140 and yet in his case, and it's also true in 0:36:21.140 --> 0:36:26.259 many cases he's actively involved in porn. And so how 0:36:26.260 --> 0:36:29.459 he got to where he is? Obviously, I would not 0:36:29.460 --> 0:36:32.620 know that his in terms of what happened along the 0:36:32.620 --> 0:36:36.500 journey that led him to that conclusion. I do know 0:36:36.580 --> 0:36:41.500 that porn can be very, very addictive. And if a 0:36:41.500 --> 0:36:43.700 man has been involved in porn for over a period 0:36:43.700 --> 0:36:47.660 of time, he is likely very addicted to it and 0:36:47.660 --> 0:36:51.880 and really typically will not change unless there's a crisis 0:36:51.920 --> 0:36:55.640 in his life and he really turns to God, often 0:36:55.640 --> 0:36:58.800 with a pastor or a Christian counselor, you know, helping 0:36:58.800 --> 0:37:04.399 him understand that God can deliver him from this addictive behavior. 0:37:04.840 --> 0:37:08.080 Because it is it is addictive, and it will not 0:37:08.080 --> 0:37:11.560 change over time. If, if if he doesn't reach out 0:37:11.719 --> 0:37:14.680 for help and come to the place where he realizes 0:37:14.680 --> 0:37:16.759 this is not and I don't know if he's a 0:37:16.760 --> 0:37:20.120 Christian or not, but you know, a Christian man needs 0:37:20.120 --> 0:37:23.959 to understand that that is a perversion. It is not 0:37:24.000 --> 0:37:28.880 what God intended. It's making women an object. And and 0:37:28.880 --> 0:37:33.360 it's insensitive. It's it's impersonal. It's someone you don't even know. 0:37:33.800 --> 0:37:38.480 It's it's just totally physical, sexual, mental. And so. And 0:37:38.480 --> 0:37:40.560 I don't know if he has a friend who's aware 0:37:40.560 --> 0:37:44.040 of this that might convince him to reach out for help. 0:37:44.760 --> 0:37:47.520 And I don't know what you as a wife could do, 0:37:48.430 --> 0:37:52.190 Because it appears to me you're open. You don't understand it, 0:37:52.190 --> 0:37:53.910 but you don't know what to do. And there's not 0:37:53.910 --> 0:37:57.069 a whole lot you can do except confront him with 0:37:57.070 --> 0:38:00.230 it lovingly. Honey, I don't know how you feel about this, 0:38:00.230 --> 0:38:03.189 but I'm greatly disturbed about it. You know, I don't 0:38:03.190 --> 0:38:06.990 think this is natural and normal. And I think him 0:38:06.989 --> 0:38:10.230 saying to you, this is just not working. That's just 0:38:10.230 --> 0:38:13.190 his way of saying, I don't want to be involved 0:38:13.190 --> 0:38:16.750 physically with you. And he's meeting that need somewhere else. 0:38:16.910 --> 0:38:20.550 You know, the physical need for sexual release somewhere else. 0:38:21.310 --> 0:38:23.589 But those are my thoughts, and I'm not sure they're 0:38:23.590 --> 0:38:26.350 very helpful to you, to be very honest with you. 0:38:26.350 --> 0:38:30.069 But if someone could help him come to recognize that 0:38:30.070 --> 0:38:34.390 there is deliverance from that addiction, he could be helped. 0:38:35.310 --> 0:38:35.870 Well, I think. 0:38:35.870 --> 0:38:39.870 There's hope in what you've just said, Gary. And I 0:38:39.910 --> 0:38:44.109 hear kind of a hopeless sound in her voice. And 0:38:44.110 --> 0:38:47.129 I think you've just kind of given that when she 0:38:47.130 --> 0:38:49.930 said that there's not a whole lot of communication. Well, maybe, 0:38:50.250 --> 0:38:54.410 maybe you start communicating a little bit more in the 0:38:54.410 --> 0:38:56.810 marriage and you talk about other things that you can 0:38:56.810 --> 0:39:01.250 and then you work up to. And here's the thing that's, 0:39:01.250 --> 0:39:03.569 you know, bugging me right now, and then you have 0:39:03.570 --> 0:39:07.450 a conversation about that without her, you know, flying off 0:39:07.450 --> 0:39:10.529 the handle or doing, you know what? Reacting real strongly. 0:39:10.969 --> 0:39:14.529 If if they have that kind of conversation and it 0:39:14.530 --> 0:39:17.570 becomes easier for him to talk about other things than 0:39:17.610 --> 0:39:20.810 perhaps they'll get to what's going on, what really is 0:39:20.810 --> 0:39:23.049 going on inside of him. 0:39:23.050 --> 0:39:26.049 You know, Chris, I think that's a wonderful idea. Uh, 0:39:26.050 --> 0:39:29.489 for example, the book we're featuring today, A Simple Guide 0:39:29.489 --> 0:39:33.129 for Making Marriage better. Yes. It has short chapters on 0:39:33.130 --> 0:39:36.489 a whole lot of topics. And one section is on 0:39:36.489 --> 0:39:39.690 the sexual part of marriage. And so you're right. If 0:39:39.690 --> 0:39:42.009 she would say, for example, here's a new book I 0:39:42.010 --> 0:39:44.569 just heard about, would you be willing? We'll each read 0:39:44.570 --> 0:39:46.080 a read a chapter a week, and at the end 0:39:46.080 --> 0:39:48.000 of the week, we'll just ask anything we can learn 0:39:48.000 --> 0:39:51.800 about this, uh, to to have to make our marriage better. 0:39:52.160 --> 0:39:54.720 And if he's willing to do that, you know, eventually 0:39:54.719 --> 0:39:56.520 they're going to get to the sexual area. And as 0:39:56.520 --> 0:40:00.400 you said, because they've been talking about their relationship, uh, 0:40:00.400 --> 0:40:02.600 when they get to this area, he'll probably still talk 0:40:02.600 --> 0:40:04.359 about and they can talk about it more openly and 0:40:04.360 --> 0:40:07.879 not in a condemning way, but in a very positive way. Yeah. 0:40:07.880 --> 0:40:09.960 If he was open to that, I think, I think 0:40:09.960 --> 0:40:11.280 that'd be a wonderful idea. 0:40:11.719 --> 0:40:14.759 A Simple guide for making marriage better. You find out 0:40:14.760 --> 0:40:19.239 more at Building Relationships us. We have just a couple 0:40:19.280 --> 0:40:21.440 of minutes here. Gary and I wanted to get a 0:40:21.440 --> 0:40:25.920 question or two from Start Marriage. Right. Com that website 0:40:26.239 --> 0:40:29.719 and there's one here for singles, and it sounds like 0:40:29.719 --> 0:40:32.640 the single has been dating for a while. Maybe even 0:40:32.640 --> 0:40:35.879 is in has been engaged. The question is, when is 0:40:35.880 --> 0:40:39.359 it time to leave a relationship? What do you say 0:40:39.360 --> 0:40:41.080 to a person who asks that? 0:40:41.760 --> 0:40:45.060 Chris I think in our in our culture, dating is 0:40:45.060 --> 0:40:49.900 a process of getting to know someone well enough to 0:40:49.940 --> 0:40:53.540 make a wise decision on whether the relationship should lead 0:40:53.540 --> 0:40:58.939 to marriage and many, many dating relationships break up. Uh, 0:40:58.940 --> 0:41:01.339 you know, I was in high school, I dated a 0:41:01.340 --> 0:41:03.860 gal for three years, and when I went off to college, 0:41:03.860 --> 0:41:06.859 she broke up with me. And it was it was 0:41:06.860 --> 0:41:09.980 very painful for me because I had these love feelings 0:41:09.980 --> 0:41:13.500 for her. Uh, but that's the purpose of dating. Uh, 0:41:13.500 --> 0:41:15.500 and not all dating is going to lead to marriage. 0:41:16.020 --> 0:41:18.379 So I think, you know, to work through a book. 0:41:18.380 --> 0:41:20.739 For example, I have a book called things I Wish 0:41:20.739 --> 0:41:24.420 I Had Known before we got married. And I've had 0:41:24.420 --> 0:41:26.219 couples say to me, you know, Doctor Chapman, I was 0:41:26.219 --> 0:41:28.500 dating and we were thinking marriage. And we started working 0:41:28.500 --> 0:41:30.779 through that book together, you know, reading a chapter each 0:41:30.780 --> 0:41:34.020 week and discussing it. And by the time we got through, 0:41:34.020 --> 0:41:38.860 we decided not to get married. And I said, well, wonderful, wonderful. 0:41:38.860 --> 0:41:42.200 When you begin to look at the realities of what's important. And, 0:41:42.200 --> 0:41:44.000 you know, how would we do this in a marriage 0:41:44.000 --> 0:41:45.920 if we got married? And you look at many of 0:41:45.920 --> 0:41:48.680 those areas. Yes. It can bring you to a wise 0:41:48.680 --> 0:41:53.200 decision that we really we really shouldn't get married. So 0:41:53.200 --> 0:41:57.200 nothing wrong with coming to that decision. Now he's asking specifically, 0:41:57.200 --> 0:41:59.759 how would you know? Well, I can't answer that specifically 0:41:59.760 --> 0:42:02.840 for any individual. But I do think, for example, working 0:42:02.840 --> 0:42:05.600 through that book, things I Wish I'd Known before we 0:42:05.600 --> 0:42:09.280 got married and having forced to look at 12 different 0:42:09.280 --> 0:42:14.319 areas of life and discussing it together. I think by 0:42:14.320 --> 0:42:16.799 the time you get through, you probably know whether we 0:42:16.800 --> 0:42:19.239 should move forward to marriage or whether maybe it's time 0:42:19.239 --> 0:42:21.320 for us to, you know, go our separate ways. 0:42:21.600 --> 0:42:22.359 Yeah. So it's a. 0:42:22.400 --> 0:42:24.279 Gift in one sense. It's a gift to be able 0:42:24.280 --> 0:42:28.839 to to break off a relationship when you really know. No, 0:42:28.840 --> 0:42:32.360 this is this can't work because of one thing or another. 0:42:33.440 --> 0:42:37.520 Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's a positive, mature decision. Mm. 0:42:38.640 --> 0:42:40.989 Well, let me give you one more question. And I 0:42:41.030 --> 0:42:43.910 love this one because you've talked about it a lot 0:42:43.950 --> 0:42:46.709 here on the program through the years. How can I 0:42:46.750 --> 0:42:50.310 become a better listener in my relationship? 0:42:51.110 --> 0:42:54.430 Well, you know, we have personalities when it comes to talking. 0:42:55.030 --> 0:42:58.109 Some of us are what I call dead seas. We 0:42:58.150 --> 0:43:00.790 don't have much of a compulsion to talk. We're happy 0:43:00.790 --> 0:43:03.950 not to talk, and we're just happy to listen. And 0:43:03.950 --> 0:43:06.989 others are called babbling brooks. And they just talk all 0:43:06.989 --> 0:43:10.510 the time. And they talk and they talk and they talk. 0:43:11.350 --> 0:43:15.070 So our personality does affect us when it comes to listening. 0:43:15.310 --> 0:43:17.190 It's much easier for a Dead Sea to learn to 0:43:17.230 --> 0:43:19.509 listen than it is a babbling brook. But I think 0:43:19.510 --> 0:43:23.790 if we recognize that communication involves two things, it involves 0:43:23.790 --> 0:43:28.830 talking and it involves listening. And both of those are important. 0:43:29.070 --> 0:43:31.790 And if we tend to be a babbling brook, then 0:43:31.790 --> 0:43:34.750 we have to recognize, you know, I have got to 0:43:34.790 --> 0:43:37.810 slow the flow. I have got to got to ask 0:43:37.810 --> 0:43:41.970 more questions of the other person and then give attention 0:43:41.969 --> 0:43:44.210 to what they're saying, rather than as soon as they 0:43:44.210 --> 0:43:46.890 tell me something, say, oh well, well, that reminds me. 0:43:46.890 --> 0:43:51.210 And we tell them something about our lives, because, see, 0:43:51.210 --> 0:43:53.250 babbling Brooks are going to talk, talk, talk. And if 0:43:53.250 --> 0:43:54.969 you bring up a topic, then they'll jump on that 0:43:54.969 --> 0:43:58.210 topic and talk about it. So I think we have 0:43:58.210 --> 0:44:02.530 to recognize our personality and which way we tend to lean. 0:44:02.530 --> 0:44:05.730 And then if we do recognize that we're doing a 0:44:05.770 --> 0:44:08.850 lot more talking than we are listening, sometimes in a 0:44:08.850 --> 0:44:12.650 marriage relationship or even a dating relationship, you can actually 0:44:12.650 --> 0:44:16.690 structure it to say, okay, for five minutes. You talk 0:44:16.730 --> 0:44:18.890 about anything you want to talk about, and I'm going 0:44:18.930 --> 0:44:20.930 to listen to you. I'm going to ask you questions 0:44:20.930 --> 0:44:24.130 to clarify what you're saying, and then I'll have five minutes. 0:44:24.850 --> 0:44:28.090 And this really helps a babbling brook, because now you're 0:44:28.090 --> 0:44:32.609 structuring both talking and listening. And you structure it for 0:44:32.610 --> 0:44:35.410 a while and it'll become more natural for you to 0:44:35.450 --> 0:44:38.440 when a person's talking, give attention to them. Ask questions. 0:44:38.440 --> 0:44:41.480 Try to understand what they're saying, what they're feeling. It 0:44:41.480 --> 0:44:44.239 can really help communication. And all of us need to 0:44:44.600 --> 0:44:47.080 work at improving our communication. 0:44:47.840 --> 0:44:48.759 But the power of what. 0:44:48.760 --> 0:44:52.120 You're talking about is you kind of take a break 0:44:52.360 --> 0:44:55.279 and you value the other person. It's been helpful to 0:44:55.280 --> 0:44:57.799 me to think of those types of questions. Tell me 0:44:57.800 --> 0:45:00.520 more about that. Why did you make that decision? Why 0:45:00.520 --> 0:45:03.359 do why do you say that? And then stop and 0:45:03.360 --> 0:45:07.879 listen and you'll gain information and understanding if you take 0:45:07.880 --> 0:45:08.640 that approach. 0:45:09.239 --> 0:45:15.320 Absolutely, Chris. Asking questions, asking questions, asking questions. Because, listen, 0:45:15.320 --> 0:45:19.800 even dead souls will talk if you ask questions and 0:45:19.800 --> 0:45:24.160 wait for their answer. You know, babbling Brooks will ask 0:45:24.160 --> 0:45:26.960 you a question. And then what do you think about. 0:45:27.000 --> 0:45:28.919 Da da da da da. And if you don't give 0:45:28.920 --> 0:45:31.920 them an immediate answer, they'll answer their own question. Well, 0:45:31.920 --> 0:45:33.480 I know what you think, and they'll tell you what 0:45:33.480 --> 0:45:40.020 you think you know. So learning to ask questions and 0:45:40.020 --> 0:45:44.900 not responding to their answer, but understand what they're thinking 0:45:44.900 --> 0:45:47.420 and what they're feeling. So I can you can just say, well, 0:45:47.420 --> 0:45:49.299 you know, I can. That makes sense to me. I 0:45:49.300 --> 0:45:50.899 can see how you'd feel that way, and I can 0:45:50.900 --> 0:45:53.540 see how you could think that way. And then but 0:45:53.540 --> 0:45:56.460 when you're talking then, if they took the same thing, 0:45:56.460 --> 0:45:59.180 you you can have really good conversations if you learn 0:45:59.180 --> 0:46:02.060 how to talk and listen. But it is a process 0:46:02.060 --> 0:46:02.700 of learning. 0:46:03.380 --> 0:46:05.580 That's one of the most helpful things as a parent 0:46:05.580 --> 0:46:08.779 that you've said through the years. It's like, I can 0:46:08.780 --> 0:46:10.819 understand how you would feel that way. You don't have 0:46:10.820 --> 0:46:14.020 to judge. You don't have to, you know, correct or anything. Well, 0:46:14.020 --> 0:46:17.339 I can understand from your perspective how you could feel 0:46:17.340 --> 0:46:19.859 that way about music or whatever it is, or the 0:46:19.860 --> 0:46:23.100 type of car that they're thinking about buying or, or whatever. Oh, 0:46:23.100 --> 0:46:25.460 this is really good. But before we conclude today, let 0:46:25.460 --> 0:46:27.780 me give you the number. If you agree with something 0:46:27.780 --> 0:46:30.219 Gary said or if you disagree or you have a 0:46:30.219 --> 0:46:36.170 question about your Or relationships 1866424. Gary, for any question 0:46:36.170 --> 0:46:41.129 or comment you have. 866424. Gary, we'd love to hear 0:46:41.130 --> 0:46:43.890 from you. You can find simple ways to strengthen your 0:46:43.890 --> 0:46:49.009 relationships at building Relationships us. You'll see the featured resource 0:46:49.010 --> 0:46:53.569 a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights 0:46:53.570 --> 0:46:59.089 every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us. 0:46:59.090 --> 0:47:02.210 And next week. How do you become a good leader 0:47:02.610 --> 0:47:04.930 and fulfill your purpose in life? 0:47:05.330 --> 0:47:08.570 Don't miss a conversation with Doctor Kevin Lehman in one week. 0:47:08.690 --> 0:47:11.290 A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick 0:47:11.290 --> 0:47:15.089 and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is 0:47:15.090 --> 0:47:19.010 a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, 0:47:19.010 --> 0:47:21.370 a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. 0:47:21.410 --> 0:47:22.370 Thanks for listening.