S1: Five love languages for church people. I think they have
S1: a language all to themselves. My 23 year old daughter
S1: has moved out.
S2: Hates me. My husband hasn't touched me in years.
S3: You never know how God's going to work in your life.
S3: Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
S3: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
S3: time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of January,
S3: featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.
S4: There's a love language question ahead that I have never heard, friends,
S4: but you're going to hear it today. Plus responses to
S4: past conversations. A struggle with an estranged daughter and a
S4: whole lot more straight ahead here on building relationships. If
S4: you want more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. Visit
S4: us online at Building Relationships. Us.
S3: You'll find our featured resource there. The book by Doctor
S3: Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple guide for Making marriage better. Quick,
S3: practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
S4: Gary, talk about that new project that you and John
S4: worked on.
S5: Well, you know, John and I have been friends for
S5: a long, long time. As you know, Chris, he works
S5: at Moody Publishers and has for many years. And we
S5: put our thoughts together and put together this book, A
S5: Simple Guide for Making Your Marriage better. Because I've long
S5: said to people, marriages either get better or they get worse.
S5: They never stand still. And so this book is taking
S5: people where they are and just trying to help them
S5: take steps to make things better. And very, very practical
S5: deals with a number of different topics with short chapters.
S5: I found that the modern reader prefers short chapters rather
S5: than long chapters. And so we have short chapters. At
S5: the end of every chapter, there's a there's a growth assignment.
S5: There's something they can do. There's a step they can
S5: take to make their marriage better. So I think it's
S5: going to be a book that many couples will find
S5: very practical and very easy to work through, you know,
S5: time wise. So I'm excited about it.
S4: So if I'm getting you and this comes out next week,
S4: if I'm getting you right, the the idea here is
S4: not how can my spouse make my marriage better for me?
S4: It's how can I and both of you are participating
S4: in this? How can I make the marriage better? By
S4: by doing something. By doing something practical and simple?
S5: Yeah, exactly. And reality is, I'm the only one that
S5: can change me. And I can't change my spouse. I
S5: can influence them. And I have a positive influence if
S5: I do positive things and I have a negative influence
S5: if I do negative things. So if I change my
S5: behavior in terms of making it more positive rather than negative,
S5: I'm having a positive influence. And then they decide, you know,
S5: if they. But chances are with a positive influence they
S5: will change because all of us are either getting better
S5: or worse individually.
S4: It strikes me with Valentine's Day coming up not too
S4: long from now. This might be a resource that couples
S4: could go through together. Not as you know, you need
S4: to read this because you need to change. It's like
S4: we're we're going to go through this together and learn
S4: and grow.
S5: Yeah, I think it'd be a great thing to do.
S5: And Valentine's Day is a good time to get started
S5: or Valentine's Month. You know, it's a month in which
S5: the whole nation is focusing on love. So yeah, I
S5: think that would be wonderful.
S4: Again, our featured resource at Building Relationships US is a
S4: simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights. Every
S4: couple needs to thrive. Just go to go to building relationships. Us? Well,
S4: since we're talking about a book that you co-wrote, Gary,
S4: with your friend John Hinckley, I want you to hear
S4: this next question about the love languages I've never heard before.
S4: It's a question and kind of an idea.
S1: Yes, I'm a pastor in South Carolina. This had a question.
S1: I have all your books. Most of them. Five love languages.
S1: But I have a question in reference to, uh, the
S1: five love languages. Uh, been on my mind for about
S1: two years now. Five love languages for church people. Um,
S1: I think they have a language all to themselves. And
S1: have you written anything on that or seem like a.
S1: I would love to even consider, uh, maybe as small
S1: as your thoughts or maybe having some input. Uh, if
S1: you choose to write on something like that, how I
S1: can maybe have a little input with that. Like I say,
S1: I'm from the backwoods of nowhere, but I just just
S1: want to. Have you did any writing on that? And
S1: God bless you. Thank you.
S5: Well, I appreciate this pastor's call. And coming from South Carolina.
S5: I am from North Carolina. So I identify, of course,
S5: with his his accent. Uh, we do have one. People
S5: tell me. So, uh, what I hear him saying, Chris,
S5: is he's talking about what? About a book on the
S5: five love languages for church people. Is that what you're hearing?
S4: That's what I'm hearing. Yeah. Yeah. Because they have a
S4: language all of their own.
S5: Yeah. And I guess my thought is my first thought
S5: is what church people are people.
S4: Mhm.
S5: You know, we're all people. And the love language is
S5: applies whether people's Christian or non-Christian. If they choose to
S5: meet the person's emotional need for love. The love language
S5: gives them information on how to most effectively do that.
S5: I don't know that I would see there being a
S5: special edition just for church people. Because I think church
S5: people are people and they have the need to feel loved.
S5: Maybe I'm missing something there, but that's that's my initial
S5: response to the question, which is not a good answer.
S4: I don't think you are, but because I think what
S4: he's getting to is maybe you would describe as a
S4: dialect of church people, you know, and the first thing
S4: that popped into my mind, it probably shouldn't have, but
S4: was the potluck and, you know, a church potluck. This
S4: is how we get together. This is how we fellowship.
S4: So there's a way that people communicate in church. Well,
S4: you know, with the language that they use and the
S4: terminology and hymns, which is different than, than the culture.
S4: But at the at the heart, you're saying people are
S4: people and you probably don't need a different addition for that.
S5: Yeah. That's my that's my initial response to to to
S5: that idea. And I do think, yes, There are certain
S5: avenues and places in a church. I mean, a church
S5: is a community, and there's an opportunity to relate to
S5: many different kinds of people because people are very diverse
S5: in a local church and understanding the concept of love
S5: languages and the other knowing the other person's love language
S5: will help you in meeting their need to feel loved
S5: by a fellow Christian who is walking with them. And yes,
S5: there are contexts in which that can be done in
S5: a church much more easily than just people in a
S5: community together geographically, because we have regular times that we're
S5: getting together and interfacing with each other.
S4: Well, you have just walk me through real quickly here.
S4: You have a military edition of the Five Love Languages.
S4: You have a specific men's edition of the five Love languages. Uh,
S4: you have a teenage edition. A children's edition, right?
S5: Mhm. It's for for parents of teenagers and parents of children.
S5: And then we have one for the teenager. Yes. And
S5: then we have one for the workplace. The five languages
S5: of appreciation in the workplace. We have one for couples
S5: who have just lost a baby to death or a
S5: young child. We have one for people who have special
S5: needs children and how this works with them. And then
S5: we have one with for caregivers of dementia patients and
S5: how this works with them. So we we've pretty much
S5: covered the bases I think. Mhm.
S4: Well and our listeners I'll speak for them. Very helpful
S4: to go into those especially. I was thinking of the
S4: keeping love alive as memories fade because a lot of
S4: people are dealing with that issue in their family today.
S5: Yes. Yes, very much so.
S4: Our featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick,
S4: practical insights. Every couple needs to needs to thrive. Go
S4: to building relationships. Us. You can find the book right
S4: there at Building Relationships. Us. Gary, we've talked about the
S4: sexual relationship in marriage over the last couple of months.
S4: And one of the things you always say is not
S4: to discount what's going on physically for the person who
S4: isn't interested in intimacy. Here's our next caller.
S6: Hi Gary, just was listening to radio and heard on
S6: Y my about the sex life of a husband not
S6: wanting her wife. We have an issue in ours. My
S6: wife had a concussion. I'm just wondering what concussion does
S6: to the sex drive of a wife. Because she doesn't
S6: want me, actually. Actually has said she detests me. We're
S6: working on relational issues. I am clean as far as morally.
S6: I have been for years, but it's just been a
S6: turn really. More to the South since her concussion. I
S6: really appreciate, uh, who you are and what you do
S6: and how you're just being used by God. Thanks.
S5: Well, I appreciate the question. Not being a medical doctor,
S5: I don't really have an answer as to whether a
S5: concussion or how a concussion would impact our wife's sexual desires,
S5: so I can't medically answer that question. I do think
S5: the reality that I think you said you were you're
S5: working on your relationship. You realize there's some room for
S5: growth there. And I would say if you're not seeing
S5: a counselor, I would encourage you to see a counselor.
S5: And you might also even inquire of a medical doctor
S5: that you may know, just, you know, not necessarily even
S5: in the office just to say, hey, does this, does
S5: this impact the sexual drive of a female if she
S5: has a As a concussion and probably a medical doctor.
S5: At least if he didn't know, he'd have some friends
S5: who knew. Who are medical doctors? Who would know more
S5: about that? But I do think that, you know, you
S5: need to process this because obviously that puts pressure on
S5: the marital relationship. So working with a counselor and letting
S5: him or her help you all walk through your feelings
S5: and being open and honest with your feelings in a,
S5: in a positive way, not a critical way, but just
S5: trying to understand each other better and asking, you know,
S5: how do we how do we deal with this, and
S5: what do we do? And are there things that we
S5: can do? So I'm sorry that I don't have a
S5: very good answer for you, but I do think there
S5: are people who can help you in that area.
S4: That was my first thought is, you know, what is
S4: what does her doctor say about this? And it sounds
S4: like there has been a change in her attitude toward
S4: him since the accident or however that happened. And so,
S4: you know, validating his feelings about what's going on. But
S4: if she says, no, I don't want to go to
S4: a counselor. What does he do?
S5: Well, I would say he can go to the counselor
S5: because the counselor can help him work through his own
S5: emotions with this. And men may discover some ideas on
S5: things he can do or not do that would make
S5: things better in the relationship. We're always better to have
S5: an outside voice speaking into a difficult situation.
S4: And if you hear a question that you'd like to
S4: respond to today, or you have a question about your
S4: own relationships, it could be something that you're struggling with,
S4: or maybe there's something going on that's really good. We'd
S4: encourage you to call our listener. Line 1866424. Gary. We'd
S4: love to hear from you. Call 1-866-424-4279. And you might
S4: hear your question or comment on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Well,
S4: I think you can hear it in this dad's voice, Gary.
S4: And I don't think he's alone in the struggle that
S4: he's having.
S7: Hey, Gary. It's hard for me to say this, um,
S7: without tearing up. I might have to call you back.
S7: My 23 year old daughter has moved out. She hates me. She's, um. She's, uh,
S7: part of the LGBT community. Doesn't identify as my daughter.
S7: She identifies as they. And them. I offended the heck
S7: out of her. She got all mad. I don't know
S7: how to handle it other than be patient and try
S7: to keep loving her. She moved to California and to
S7: her friend's house. Her group of people that she's influenced
S7: by all seem to hate their parents, and regardless of
S7: how much we've done for them and how much we
S7: love them, she feels that she's not loved. She banned
S7: me from her phone. I can't reach her through Facebook
S7: and I don't know what to do. I miss her.
S7: Anything you can do to help? Love you. Thank you. Gary.
S5: Well, you know, Chris, you want to cry with this caller.
S5: It's been interesting in my own counseling in the last
S5: 2 or 3 years, I've had more and more parents
S5: who fall in this same category. That is, their adult
S5: children have shared with them. You know, I'm homosexual or
S5: I'm lesbian. I have a partner. I'm going to get
S5: married with da da da da da or whatever the scenario,
S5: but just, you know, dropping on the parents something they never,
S5: ever anticipated to hear coming from their child. And some
S5: of those children break off the relationship with their parents.
S5: There are also parents who break off the relationship with
S5: their adult children and say, well, if that's the path
S5: you're going, don't come back here. Either one of those
S5: is tragic. When a parent breaks off a relationship because
S5: of this information, or the adult child Breaks off the
S5: relationship because they think, well, maybe my parents will never
S5: accept it. They don't understand it. They don't love me
S5: because of what I'm doing. Either way, to cut off
S5: contact means that neither one of us can have an
S5: influence on the other because we have no contact. And
S5: it's really, really sad for the parent. If the adult
S5: child cuts off, the contact won't answer phones, won't respond
S5: to emails, won't answer letters. We don't know if they
S5: read them or not. I think 2 or 3 things
S5: come to my mind. One is we have to recognize
S5: that we are not responsible for our adult children's decisions.
S5: One of the questions that parents often say in my
S5: office is, what did we do wrong? That our child
S5: has turned out this way? And I remind them, don't
S5: accept responsibility for your adult children's decisions. Now, if you
S5: recognize looking back through the years that you did fail
S5: them in some ways, certainly if you have the chance,
S5: apologize to them for that. But even then, they made
S5: their own decision as adults. And that's a freedom that
S5: God gives everybody. We can all choose to obey God
S5: or not to obey God, to follow God's laws or
S5: not to follow God's laws. And I also remind parents,
S5: and I've said this before on the program, Chris, God's
S5: first two children, Adam and Eve, went wrong and made
S5: a horrible decision. And they had a perfect father.
S8: Yes.
S5: So parents shouldn't take the full responsibility for the adult
S5: child's actions. But this father is crying out for. What
S5: do I do? She's cut off contact with me. What
S5: do I do? And I think 2 or 3 things
S5: come to my mind. One is, I would say continue.
S5: If you know her address, continue on special occasions like
S5: birthdays or Christmas or Easter. Sending her a card. Something
S5: she can hold in her hands that was once held
S5: in your hands. And some writing on it that came
S5: from your hand. It can't hurt. They may not accept it.
S5: They may not even read it. But at least it's
S5: an effort on your part to reach out and have
S5: contact with them. If you don't know an address, of
S5: course you can't do that. If you know an email address,
S5: you can certainly do send a message. If you know
S5: a phone number, you can send the text. If there
S5: is a way to make contact, I would say reach out.
S5: Even though you don't get a response and even though
S5: they blocked your phone calls, etc., the other thing is
S5: what you're already doing, and that is praying that God
S5: will work in their heart and bring someone into their mind,
S5: into their contact. That will help them understand things better
S5: and recognize how tragic it is to break off contact
S5: with your parents because of how you feel that they feel.
S5: And I don't know what verbal conversations went on when
S5: she shared this with you. I don't know what you
S5: said at the time. I don't know what how she responded.
S5: But the ideal is when a parent hears that information
S5: coming from that adult child is to let them know
S5: I love you no matter what. You know that I
S5: don't agree with that. And if it's a Christian, you say,
S5: you know that. I don't believe God agrees with that.
S5: But you're an adult and you are free to make
S5: your own decisions. I can't make your decisions for you.
S5: I'm saddened by what you're sharing with me. But it's
S5: your life. And I give you freedom to live your life.
S5: And I will love you no matter what you do.
S5: That kind of approach tends to keep the door open
S5: to the possibility of further conversations and further interaction between
S5: the parent. So and if I were talking to the
S5: young adult who has made decisions like this and is
S5: walking in a path that they know is contrary to
S5: what their parents believe and what the scriptures teach, I
S5: would say you have an attitude of Mom and Dad.
S5: I know this hurts you very deeply because I know
S5: this is not what the scriptures teach. In that sense,
S5: I know in your mind that I'm doing wrong, but
S5: I have to do what I believe I need to do,
S5: and I hope you will still love me, because I
S5: will love you. You gave me life. You cared for
S5: me all these years. And I want you to know
S5: that I will always love you. So you're keeping the
S5: door open as well either way. The more we can
S5: keep the door open, the better. But when the door
S5: is closed by one, sometimes we're limited to simply praying.
S5: But listen, that's a pretty powerful imitation, talking to God
S5: and asking him to work in their lives in his way.
S5: He knows how to touch their hearts. He knows how
S5: to bring prodigal sons home. So I think, don't underestimate
S5: the power of prayer. It would also be valuable, I think,
S5: if you could be in a small group. Some churches
S5: now have small groups that are for parents who are
S5: struggling in these areas, but be in a small group
S5: where you can share with other other families who are
S5: walking a similar path, or work with a Christian counselor
S5: and let them help you also work through your emotions.
S5: Because this is this is very, very painful, no question
S5: about it. And you need the fellowship, the help, the
S5: interface with some with other Christians who understand you and
S5: understand your beliefs and believe the same thing you do,
S5: but help you work through your emotions.
S4: The other thing you just mentioned, the prodigal. The other
S4: thing because this dad sounds to me like the same
S4: dad in The Prodigal Son. And you know, what you've
S4: said before is be ready when that phone call comes,
S4: or that knock on the door, or have the robe
S4: and the ring and the roast beef, you know, have that,
S4: have that ready. Be ready. Not not that they're going
S4: to necessarily change their life and their choices, but at
S4: some point they may decide, you know, it was pretty good.
S4: I want to get in touch with my dad. So
S4: be ready for that, right?
S5: Yes. And I've seen that happen. I've seen that happen
S5: on several occasions where after sometimes after 2 or 3 years,
S5: the adult child makes contact with the parents because things
S5: have happened in their life. They're getting older, they're processing life,
S5: and they're beginning to realize, you know, this is not good.
S5: And they take a step to reach out. And so
S5: you're being open armed, as you said, like the prodigal
S5: son's father. That's the very best position you can have
S5: when that happens.
S4: Waiting at the parapet. Okay. So when I heard that call,
S4: there was a voicemail that I remembered from a different program,
S4: but I want to play that here because I want
S4: to hear your reaction to it. But the topic that
S4: was being discussed was not giving up on something that's
S4: hard in your life. And this caller wanted to encourage
S4: other listeners. Here's what she said.
S9: Hi. I was listening to your show today about people
S9: not giving up, and my daughter was so awful. She
S9: it was just like more than 15 years of unbelievable things.
S9: I thought about suicide all the time, but I hung
S9: on with her. And I have to tell you that
S9: now she's almost 50 years old and she is the
S9: most wonderful person that you could ever ask for. She
S9: would do anything for anybody. She helps me all the time.
S9: And God is so good Because I was so close
S9: to the edge. And I just wanted to tell you
S9: that because it might encourage some other parents who are
S9: ready to give up. They need to hold on because
S9: you never know. You just don't know how God's going
S9: to work in their life. Thank you. And I enjoy
S9: your show. Sorry for the tears.
S5: Well, you have to. You have to be grateful to
S5: that lady for sharing that, you know, because she went
S5: through a really, really hard time and and mentioned that
S5: she even contemplated suicide along the way because this had
S5: happened to her and she just felt like such a failure.
S5: ET cetera. ET cetera. But not giving up. That's a
S5: good word for anyone who's in a difficult situation, that
S5: you cannot immediately change yourself and keep open. Because, listen,
S5: people are always changing. We don't stay the same. We're changing.
S5: And that adult child in five years or ten years
S5: may be a different person than they are today. And
S5: God has a way of drawing people to himself and
S5: redeeming them and changing their whole perspective in life. So yeah,
S5: don't give up. That's a good message.
S4: 15 years, she said. Yeah. And this is not prescriptive.
S4: It didn't play that here. You know, wait 15 years
S4: and this will happen. You can't you're not guaranteed of
S4: any any of the outcome here. But what she is
S4: saying is I kept my heart open and pliable. And
S4: I didn't give up hope for myself or for my daughter.
S4: And things eventually did turn around. So you open the door,
S4: as you say, open the door for the opportunity that
S4: something good is going to happen down the road. And
S4: one of those prayers that I've heard you talk about
S4: too is, oh God, bring someone in their life who
S4: knows you and who loves you and wants to love them.
S4: You know, the words from a mom or a dad
S4: might fall on deaf ears, but the words of a
S4: friend who really comes alongside them might be the thing
S4: that turns the light on.
S5: Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. We don't know how God
S5: can reach out to people and how he will, but
S5: we do know God has the power to do that,
S5: and we know that God loves them no matter what
S5: they've done. You cannot read the Bible without understanding. God
S5: loves people who do horrible things, and he wants them
S5: to come to him and he reaches out to them.
S5: We're still free. We can make our decisions, but God
S5: does reach out and seek to bring us to himself.
S5: And so, as parents, we don't know what the outcome
S5: will be. And that's why we put the person in
S5: God's hand and say, Lord, I've done all I know
S5: to do at this juncture. I want to release them
S5: and put them in your hands and pray that you'll
S5: work in their lives. Now help me to go on
S5: with my life. And in spite of my hurt. To
S5: do what you have in mind for my life. And
S5: don't allow the decisions of your adult children to cripple
S5: you and lead you to do something less than what
S5: God has in mind for your life.
S3: You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
S3: If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll
S3: see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author,
S3: John Hinckley. It's the book a simple guide for making
S3: marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
S3: Just go to building relationships us. Plus, while you're there,
S3: find out when Gary might be coming to your area
S3: for a seminar. Just go to Building Relationships Us.
S4: And don't forget you can ask Gary a question by
S4: calling us at 1866424. Gary, call that number, leave your
S4: message and you might hear an answer on a future.
S4: Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I have a question I want
S4: to read instead of hearing the person's voice who called
S4: or keep them anonymous. He says, I've been a Christian
S4: for about 40 years. I've been married 27 years. My
S4: wife is not interested in sexual intimacy. In fact, she
S4: thinks it's ungodly. She doesn't say that, but that's the
S4: way she treats the subject. She thinks it's a hindrance
S4: to God and a hindrance to her life. So, Gary,
S4: what do you say to this husband? And what would
S4: you say to her if she were listening today?
S5: Well, I think the scriptures are rather clear about sexuality.
S5: It was God's idea. It was not our idea. He
S5: made us male and female. He instituted marriage. And the
S5: sexual part of the marriage is an important part of
S5: the marriage. I mean, the Bible is very, very clear
S5: on that. Now, you know what led her to her attitudes?
S5: I don't know, you know, whether it was things that
S5: happened to her as she was growing up. Many times
S5: people were sexually abused along the way, for example, sometimes
S5: they've never told anyone about it. But it does affect
S5: their perspective on this part of the relationship because they
S5: have the pain attached to what happened to them. And
S5: even in marriage, they carry that with them emotionally. So
S5: there's something going on there. I would say if she's
S5: open to talk with a counselor about this, that could
S5: be very, very helpful because the counselor could help her
S5: discover why she feels the way she feels about this
S5: and her being heard by someone other than him. He's
S5: not likely the one that's going to convince her. You
S5: know that she should be thinking differently about this. It's
S5: probably going to be someone outside the marriage that will
S5: help her see that. And a Christian counselor and I
S5: emphasize Christian counselor would be the best person for her
S5: to see. So I think if he just says, honey,
S5: you know, this is really troubling to me, and I
S5: know it may not be troubling to you, but would
S5: you be willing to go to a Christian counselor? I
S5: don't have to go with you, or I'm willing to
S5: go with you. Either way, whatever you think would be best.
S5: But I just feel like you need to understand yourself
S5: better and where this is coming from. And I love
S5: you too much just to do nothing and just drift
S5: along here when I feel like we're missing out on
S5: a part of what God intended marriage to be. So.
S5: And if she's open to that, if she's not open
S5: to him, he might talk with a friend of hers
S5: and let that friend know what's going on. Because sometimes
S5: women respond to their friends. I don't know if she's
S5: in a small group of ladies or not. But sometimes,
S5: obviously ladies bring up things like this and talk with
S5: other ladies about it. Uh, I wouldn't simply give up
S5: on it and just say, well, that's just the way
S5: she is. And I guess the next 20 years, we're just.
S5: This won't be a part of our relationship. Let's make
S5: every effort to try to help her understand herself and
S5: where this is coming from. And as I said, I
S5: think a Christian counselor is the best person, the best
S5: possible person to relate to that person and deal with
S5: that issue.
S4: That's Doctor Gary Chapman. This is building relationships with Doctor
S4: Gary Chapman. You know him from the five Love Languages, perhaps.
S4: And here's a question. You mentioned small groups. A few
S4: times in our calls. We've had question like this one.
S4: It's about small groups studying the five love languages.
S10: Hi Gary, I'm interested in knowing is there a way
S10: to teach the five love Languages to a mixed group
S10: of multi-aged adults. Singles. Married couples that are all white
S10: together in one Bible study. And we're in a small
S10: church and it would be like a Wednesday night Bible study.
S10: Do you have any materials that would be especially appropriate
S10: to teach that group? Thank you for letting me ask
S10: the question.
S5: My answer is yes. You know, with the five love
S5: language book. That's the one that has been out for
S5: many years now. It's addressed to married couples. There's also
S5: a workbook that goes with the book. That is, each
S5: person would read a chapter in the book that week,
S5: and then they would take the workbook and answer the
S5: questions in the workbook, and then you'd get together and
S5: discuss that with the with the small group. Now there's
S5: also and may you may or may not be familiar
S5: with this the five love languages for singles single adults.
S5: It's the same five love languages and applies the concept
S5: in all of the singles relationships relationship with their parents,
S5: with their siblings, with their college roommates, with their work associates.
S5: And then with that, there's also a workbook. So the
S5: single adult could be reading that edition and doing working
S5: through that book at the same time. The married couples
S5: are working through the other book. So I think I
S5: think those together, the original book, each of those, and
S5: then the workbook for each of those would be a
S5: real asset to anyone who's trying to lead a group
S5: that includes both of those people. And it could be
S5: that depending on how many people are in the group
S5: and how many singles are in the group, but it
S5: could be that going through this process, you might want
S5: to have two groups, you know, one for married couples,
S5: one for singles on this particular topic. Then you could
S5: come back together later, you know, in some other topic,
S5: but you'd have to decide that for yourself. But those
S5: are the resources that are available that I think you
S5: would find helpful in leading a small group.
S4: Have you heard feedback from people who have been in
S4: a small group? Because I know if you read it
S4: on your own, or if you read it as a
S4: couple together and talk about it, that's great. But what
S4: are the advantages of having a bunch of people together,
S4: having the conversation about the love languages?
S5: I think it's been very helpful, Chris, because what it does,
S5: one couple will bring up something that they're struggling with
S5: or some question they have that another person may have
S5: had that may have had a similar question, but they've
S5: never asked it because they weren't with anyone they were
S5: open to ask it about. But in a small group
S5: that's a part of the dynamics. We can ask questions.
S5: We can share ideas with each other. If someone brings
S5: up a question, another couple may say, well, this is
S5: the way we've handled that. So I think, yes, it's
S5: it's wonderful. I think it's an asset to be working
S5: through the five love languages with a group, because you
S5: do get ideas that will help the other person or
S5: you have, you can share an idea that will help them.
S5: So yeah, it's a positive thing to take a group
S5: through the five love languages.
S8: Yes. So if you have.
S4: A question like that, we'd love to hear from you.
S4: 86642 for Gary 1-866-424-4279. For Anonymity's sake, I'm going to
S4: read this next question as well, and feel free to
S4: do that if you want to call, but you don't
S4: want your voice on the radio, just let us know that.
S4: Here's the question. And this is one I don't think
S4: I've ever heard before either. Gary, I'm reading one of
S4: your books, Doctor Chapman on marriage, and it says here
S4: that if I need further assistance to speak with my
S4: church pastor about my situation, we are having big issues
S4: in my marriage. My problem is I can't go to
S4: my pastor because he's a close relative and as I
S4: see it, he's creating some of the problems that we
S4: have in our marriage. I don't know what to do
S4: or who to go to for help. I need guidance.
S4: Where do I go? I don't know what to do.
S5: Well, I can understand that you would not want to
S5: go to your pastor if he's a relative of yours.
S5: I can understand that. And especially if you think he's
S5: part of the problem. But there are other pastors and
S5: other churches in the neighborhood to call and ask to
S5: speak with the pastor or ask, you know, do you
S5: have someone in your church that does marriage counseling or
S5: marriage coaching? Sometimes they use the term coaching. And chances
S5: are you will find some other churches that has someone,
S5: maybe not the pastor, maybe someone else, or whom do
S5: you recommend? Many times pastors know who the local Christian
S5: counselors are because counselors try to build bridges to To pastors.
S5: So you know, you're not limited to going to your pastor.
S5: You can get information from other churches as to who
S5: the Christian counselors are in your area. Another source, of course,
S5: would be to go to focus on the family, and
S5: they can also give you a list of counselors that
S5: are in your area. Christian counselors in your area. So
S5: you can Google them and call them and ask, you know,
S5: how do we do this? And they'll they'll give you
S5: the folks who are in your area.
S4: Gary, I mentioned the programs that we've done in the
S4: last few weeks on intimacy and marriage. Some of the
S4: calls are coming in about that. This wife decided to
S4: pick up the phone and ask this question.
S11: Hi. I'm like the women that you're talking about. My
S11: husband hasn't touched me in years. Says it doesn't work,
S11: but yet he watches porn. So if it doesn't work,
S11: why would a man want to watch porn? I don't
S11: understand that. Maybe it's just me. He doesn't want. We
S11: don't talk very much. Communication is bad. Any thoughts would
S11: be appreciated. Thank you. Bye.
S5: Well, obviously, this is a very difficult situation for a wife,
S5: which we had the whole program on that. When a
S5: husband expresses no interest in being sexually active with her,
S5: and yet in his case, and it's also true in
S5: many cases he's actively involved in porn. And so how
S5: he got to where he is? Obviously, I would not
S5: know that his in terms of what happened along the
S5: journey that led him to that conclusion. I do know
S5: that porn can be very, very addictive. And if a
S5: man has been involved in porn for over a period
S5: of time, he is likely very addicted to it and
S5: and really typically will not change unless there's a crisis
S5: in his life and he really turns to God, often
S5: with a pastor or a Christian counselor, you know, helping
S5: him understand that God can deliver him from this addictive behavior.
S5: Because it is it is addictive, and it will not
S5: change over time. If, if if he doesn't reach out
S5: for help and come to the place where he realizes
S5: this is not and I don't know if he's a
S5: Christian or not, but you know, a Christian man needs
S5: to understand that that is a perversion. It is not
S5: what God intended. It's making women an object. And and
S5: it's insensitive. It's it's impersonal. It's someone you don't even know.
S5: It's it's just totally physical, sexual, mental. And so. And
S5: I don't know if he has a friend who's aware
S5: of this that might convince him to reach out for help.
S5: And I don't know what you as a wife could do,
S5: Because it appears to me you're open. You don't understand it,
S5: but you don't know what to do. And there's not
S5: a whole lot you can do except confront him with
S5: it lovingly. Honey, I don't know how you feel about this,
S5: but I'm greatly disturbed about it. You know, I don't
S5: think this is natural and normal. And I think him
S5: saying to you, this is just not working. That's just
S5: his way of saying, I don't want to be involved
S5: physically with you. And he's meeting that need somewhere else.
S5: You know, the physical need for sexual release somewhere else.
S5: But those are my thoughts, and I'm not sure they're
S5: very helpful to you, to be very honest with you.
S5: But if someone could help him come to recognize that
S5: there is deliverance from that addiction, he could be helped.
S8: Well, I think.
S4: There's hope in what you've just said, Gary. And I
S4: hear kind of a hopeless sound in her voice. And
S4: I think you've just kind of given that when she
S4: said that there's not a whole lot of communication. Well, maybe,
S4: maybe you start communicating a little bit more in the
S4: marriage and you talk about other things that you can
S4: and then you work up to. And here's the thing that's,
S4: you know, bugging me right now, and then you have
S4: a conversation about that without her, you know, flying off
S4: the handle or doing, you know what? Reacting real strongly.
S4: If if they have that kind of conversation and it
S4: becomes easier for him to talk about other things than
S4: perhaps they'll get to what's going on, what really is
S4: going on inside of him.
S5: You know, Chris, I think that's a wonderful idea. Uh,
S5: for example, the book we're featuring today, A Simple Guide
S5: for Making Marriage better. Yes. It has short chapters on
S5: a whole lot of topics. And one section is on
S5: the sexual part of marriage. And so you're right. If
S5: she would say, for example, here's a new book I
S5: just heard about, would you be willing? We'll each read
S5: a read a chapter a week, and at the end
S5: of the week, we'll just ask anything we can learn
S5: about this, uh, to to have to make our marriage better.
S5: And if he's willing to do that, you know, eventually
S5: they're going to get to the sexual area. And as
S5: you said, because they've been talking about their relationship, uh,
S5: when they get to this area, he'll probably still talk
S5: about and they can talk about it more openly and
S5: not in a condemning way, but in a very positive way. Yeah.
S5: If he was open to that, I think, I think
S5: that'd be a wonderful idea.
S4: A Simple guide for making marriage better. You find out
S4: more at Building Relationships us. We have just a couple
S4: of minutes here. Gary and I wanted to get a
S4: question or two from Start Marriage. Right. Com that website
S4: and there's one here for singles, and it sounds like
S4: the single has been dating for a while. Maybe even
S4: is in has been engaged. The question is, when is
S4: it time to leave a relationship? What do you say
S4: to a person who asks that?
S5: Chris I think in our in our culture, dating is
S5: a process of getting to know someone well enough to
S5: make a wise decision on whether the relationship should lead
S5: to marriage and many, many dating relationships break up. Uh,
S5: you know, I was in high school, I dated a
S5: gal for three years, and when I went off to college,
S5: she broke up with me. And it was it was
S5: very painful for me because I had these love feelings
S5: for her. Uh, but that's the purpose of dating. Uh,
S5: and not all dating is going to lead to marriage.
S5: So I think, you know, to work through a book.
S5: For example, I have a book called things I Wish
S5: I Had Known before we got married. And I've had
S5: couples say to me, you know, Doctor Chapman, I was
S5: dating and we were thinking marriage. And we started working
S5: through that book together, you know, reading a chapter each
S5: week and discussing it. And by the time we got through,
S5: we decided not to get married. And I said, well, wonderful, wonderful.
S5: When you begin to look at the realities of what's important. And,
S5: you know, how would we do this in a marriage
S5: if we got married? And you look at many of
S5: those areas. Yes. It can bring you to a wise
S5: decision that we really we really shouldn't get married. So
S5: nothing wrong with coming to that decision. Now he's asking specifically,
S5: how would you know? Well, I can't answer that specifically
S5: for any individual. But I do think, for example, working
S5: through that book, things I Wish I'd Known before we
S5: got married and having forced to look at 12 different
S5: areas of life and discussing it together. I think by
S5: the time you get through, you probably know whether we
S5: should move forward to marriage or whether maybe it's time
S5: for us to, you know, go our separate ways.
S8: Yeah. So it's a.
S4: Gift in one sense. It's a gift to be able
S4: to to break off a relationship when you really know. No,
S4: this is this can't work because of one thing or another.
S5: Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's a positive, mature decision. Mm.
S4: Well, let me give you one more question. And I
S4: love this one because you've talked about it a lot
S4: here on the program through the years. How can I
S4: become a better listener in my relationship?
S5: Well, you know, we have personalities when it comes to talking.
S5: Some of us are what I call dead seas. We
S5: don't have much of a compulsion to talk. We're happy
S5: not to talk, and we're just happy to listen. And
S5: others are called babbling brooks. And they just talk all
S5: the time. And they talk and they talk and they talk.
S5: So our personality does affect us when it comes to listening.
S5: It's much easier for a Dead Sea to learn to
S5: listen than it is a babbling brook. But I think
S5: if we recognize that communication involves two things, it involves
S5: talking and it involves listening. And both of those are important.
S5: And if we tend to be a babbling brook, then
S5: we have to recognize, you know, I have got to
S5: slow the flow. I have got to got to ask
S5: more questions of the other person and then give attention
S5: to what they're saying, rather than as soon as they
S5: tell me something, say, oh well, well, that reminds me.
S5: And we tell them something about our lives, because, see,
S5: babbling Brooks are going to talk, talk, talk. And if
S5: you bring up a topic, then they'll jump on that
S5: topic and talk about it. So I think we have
S5: to recognize our personality and which way we tend to lean.
S5: And then if we do recognize that we're doing a
S5: lot more talking than we are listening, sometimes in a
S5: marriage relationship or even a dating relationship, you can actually
S5: structure it to say, okay, for five minutes. You talk
S5: about anything you want to talk about, and I'm going
S5: to listen to you. I'm going to ask you questions
S5: to clarify what you're saying, and then I'll have five minutes.
S5: And this really helps a babbling brook, because now you're
S5: structuring both talking and listening. And you structure it for
S5: a while and it'll become more natural for you to
S5: when a person's talking, give attention to them. Ask questions.
S5: Try to understand what they're saying, what they're feeling. It
S5: can really help communication. And all of us need to
S5: work at improving our communication.
S8: But the power of what.
S4: You're talking about is you kind of take a break
S4: and you value the other person. It's been helpful to
S4: me to think of those types of questions. Tell me
S4: more about that. Why did you make that decision? Why
S4: do why do you say that? And then stop and
S4: listen and you'll gain information and understanding if you take
S4: that approach.
S5: Absolutely, Chris. Asking questions, asking questions, asking questions. Because, listen,
S5: even dead souls will talk if you ask questions and
S5: wait for their answer. You know, babbling Brooks will ask
S5: you a question. And then what do you think about.
S5: Da da da da da. And if you don't give
S5: them an immediate answer, they'll answer their own question. Well,
S5: I know what you think, and they'll tell you what
S5: you think you know. So learning to ask questions and
S5: not responding to their answer, but understand what they're thinking
S5: and what they're feeling. So I can you can just say, well,
S5: you know, I can. That makes sense to me. I
S5: can see how you'd feel that way, and I can
S5: see how you could think that way. And then but
S5: when you're talking then, if they took the same thing,
S5: you you can have really good conversations if you learn
S5: how to talk and listen. But it is a process
S5: of learning.
S4: That's one of the most helpful things as a parent
S4: that you've said through the years. It's like, I can
S4: understand how you would feel that way. You don't have
S4: to judge. You don't have to, you know, correct or anything. Well,
S4: I can understand from your perspective how you could feel
S4: that way about music or whatever it is, or the
S4: type of car that they're thinking about buying or, or whatever. Oh,
S4: this is really good. But before we conclude today, let
S4: me give you the number. If you agree with something
S4: Gary said or if you disagree or you have a
S4: question about your Or relationships 1866424. Gary, for any question
S4: or comment you have. 866424. Gary, we'd love to hear
S4: from you. You can find simple ways to strengthen your
S4: relationships at building Relationships us. You'll see the featured resource
S4: a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights
S4: every couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.
S5: And next week. How do you become a good leader
S5: and fulfill your purpose in life?
S3: Don't miss a conversation with Doctor Kevin Lehman in one week.
S3: A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick
S3: and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is
S3: a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers,
S3: a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
UU: Thanks for listening.