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S1: Hey, I'm Allie sitting in for Chris Fabry today at

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S1: the Radio Backyard fence. I hope I got that right.

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S1: What's the more that you want for your family when

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S1: you think about it? More connectedness, maybe more purpose, more joy.

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S1: Summer here in full swing, at least in Chicago. Great

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S1: time to re-examine some habits. What's working, what's not, what

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S1: reset is needed. Today we're going to welcome a special

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S1: guest near and dear to my heart, marriage and family

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S1: expert Arlene Pelikan. She's on a mission to help close

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S1: that gap between your ideal family and your day to

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S1: day reality. That's all coming up today on Chris Fabry.

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S1: Live from the heart to the Heart for the heart.

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S1: Tried to borrow as many of those Chris Fabry isms

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S1: as I could, so that you feel comfortable as you

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S1: are tuning in here on this afternoon here on Moody Radio.

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S1: Before we get to our guests, Arlene. I do want

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S1: to introduce the team, as Chris so dutifully does, honoring

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S1: the folks behind the scenes who are making this possible.

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S1: Ryan is engineering for us today. Tara is producing. We've

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S1: got Tricia and Lisa both out today, and Josh is

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S1: taking your phone calls. Let me give you that number.

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S1: And you're going to have to forgive me if I

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S1: mix this up. Sometimes I'm going to try to get

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S1: it right for you. 87754836758775483675. I am normally on in

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S1: the mornings with Carl and crew. So if you listen

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S1: to the morning show my voice may be familiar to you.

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S1: If not, no problem. Welcome aboard. We are helping you

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S1: take your next step in your walk with Jesus. That's

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S1: the mission here, and we're all about it. I want

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S1: you to think about growing up. Did you have a

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S1: favorite TV family? Think about that for a minute. Those shows,

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S1: those family sitcoms, they were all over the place when

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S1: I was a kid. Did you watch maybe The Brady Bunch?

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S1: Kind of a cool blended family. Maybe you were a

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S1: fan of the the cleavers, the huxtables. You remember them.

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S1: You remember The Cosby Show. One of my favorite TV

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S1: families growing up, Charles and Caroline Ingalls. Does that ring

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S1: a bell from the little House on the Prairie? Laura

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S1: and Mary. And they lived in that little farmhouse in

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S1: Walnut Grove, and they had the country store. And then

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S1: they would walk to that little schoolhouse, and I can

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S1: still picture it in my mind. They would walk up

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S1: to that school and they'd greet the teacher, and they

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S1: had that old school chalkboard. And, you know, my siblings

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S1: and I, I'm one of four. We loved that show

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S1: so much. I should say three out of the four,

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S1: because there were three girls. And then my younger brother

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S1: who just kind of got dragged into anything that we did.

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S1: So I can't necessarily speak for him and say that

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S1: this was his favorite show, but he definitely had to

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S1: watch it a lot with his big sisters. And we

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S1: would sit down every day and we would completely put

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S1: ourselves into that show. We thought we were Laura and

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S1: Mary living their little farm girl adventures. So much so

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S1: that for Christmas one year. This is pretty crazy looking back.

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S1: But for Christmas, my mom, who was a great seamstress,

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S1: she actually sewed by hand bonnets, red paisley print bonnets

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S1: that we put on, and we were delighted an Xbox

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S1: would not have delighted a kid more today than those

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S1: bonnets did for us back in. Oh, this was some

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S1: time in the late 80s and we were just rocking

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S1: those bonnets like they were the coolest, most in fashion

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S1: thing ever. We have a picture somewhere in my parents

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S1: house of us wearing those bonnets, and probably my my brother,

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S1: who was really little at the time. I think we

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S1: tried to force one on him once or twice, to

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S1: which my dad said, absolutely not. But those favorite TV families,

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S1: they seemed perfect, you know, any problem, any argument, any

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S1: dispute was resolved pretty quickly. Usually by the end of

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S1: the 45 minute or 1 hour TV show, and all

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S1: was right in the world again. Sometimes you think about

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S1: your own family. Any expectations you have, whether your kids

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S1: are little or you have adult kids, you go into

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S1: it with certain expectations. Maybe you don't have children, but

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S1: you have another family dynamic that comes to mind when

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S1: you think of family. And so often those expectations, those

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S1: maybe that vision of what you thought it was going

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S1: to be, sometimes there's a gap. You know, I've got

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S1: kids now who are almost 17. I've got a daughter

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S1: who turned 17 at the end of the month. And

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S1: then I have a son who is 13. Just picked

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S1: him up from basketball camp before I headed in here

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S1: to our studios here in downtown Chicago. But our goal

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S1: this hour is we want to talk through what are

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S1: some of those challenges facing families today. Screens are a

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S1: big one, so we're going to spend a lot of

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S1: time talking about that, but I do want to bring

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S1: in a special guest, Arlene Pelikan, and she I've gotten

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S1: to chat with her many, many times with Carl and

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S1: crew in the mornings, but never in the afternoons. Arlene

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S1: is a speaker author. She hosts the Happy Home podcast.

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S1: She's a marriage and parenting expert. She's written quite a

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S1: few books. Our featured resource today is going to be

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S1: Screen Kids. We're also going to be talking a little

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S1: bit about marriage. Arlene has appeared in major media outlets,

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S1: including the Today Show, focus on the Family, Fox and Friends.

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S1: She and her husband, James, have three children and they

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S1: live in the San Diego area. At least last I checked. Arlene,

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S1: do you have a favorite family from your childhood days?

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S1: Maybe a TV family that just. Oh boy, you would

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S1: have joined that family in a heartbeat. Maybe even traded

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S1: it in for your own.

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S2: I don't have a bonnet, but I still think. I

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S2: think little House on the Prairie, maybe when you were

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S2: talking about it, I was like, oh, I love that

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S2: show so much. Now, I would not trade places with

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S2: them though, because then I'd have to like, go out

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S2: to the outhouse. That's true. That would. I mean, that

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S2: frontier living does not look that easy. You know, I

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S2: remember family ties, you know. So Michael J. Fox's show, right.

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S2: That was after The Cosby Show. So I loved that

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S2: combination of The Cosby Show and Family Ties. Loved that

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S2: so much. But yes, I grew up watching all these

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S2: different shows. But I would say little House on the

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S2: Prairie is probably my favorite.

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S1: It was such a great show and it was so wholesome. And,

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S1: you know, whenever you start saying things like I'm about

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S1: to say, you start sounding old when you say things like,

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S1: they don't make those shows like they used to. You

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S1: start showing some age.

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S2: And totally real, like they would do like really hard

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S2: topics and show it. And like, I mean, it was

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S2: not sugarcoated at all for kids. You'd be like, what

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S2: had happened to pot? You know, like, yes. And none

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S2: of my kids growing up were really into it. I

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S2: kept wanting to show them and nobody was interested. And finally,

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S2: here we are towards the end when Lucy was in

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S2: high school and she's our youngest. I started watching it again,

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S2: and then she and my husband, James got into it.

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S2: So it has actually become our thing. We don't do

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S2: it regularly, but once in a while we'll be like, oh,

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S2: let's watch our show. Let's watch little House on the Prairie.

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S2: And believe me, that'll hold you a lot. Since there's

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S2: so many seasons.

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S1: It's many.

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S2: Seasons. That's the kind of screen time that I think

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S2: is very positive because it has a positive moral, and

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S2: you are watching it together.

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S1: And when you were reading the books, the book series,

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S1: which yeah, you know, back I remember doing the summer

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S1: reading program at the local library, we would go and

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S1: sign up and they would track how many books that

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S1: you could read over the summer. And little House on

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S1: the Prairie was in heavy rotation in our house.

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S2: That's awesome.

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S1: Arlene Pelican is going to be joining us for this hour.

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S1: We're going to be chatting about family life, about marriage,

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S1: about how to get the most out of these summer months.

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S1: The weather's warm, you want kids outside, but sometimes all

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S1: they want to do is play video games. Or maybe

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S1: that's just my kids? Probably not. If you've got questions

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S1: for Arlene. (877) 548-3675. This is Chris Fabry live.

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S3: This is Chris Fabry live. We'll get right back to

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S3: the program. But I want you to know how much

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S3: we appreciate your support. Your giving is having an impact

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S3: on people who listen. And if you've benefited from the

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S3: conversations here, support the program with a gift of any size.

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S3: We'd like to send you a copy of The Heart

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S3: Cry of a Hero of Mine. He passed away in March,

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S3: and this month we're honoring his memory by presenting his

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S3: parting words to the church doctor John Perkins wrote a

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S3: book titled One Blood. It's filled with stories and hope

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S3: and practical examples of the power of racial reconciliation. Love

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S3: to send you a copy of One Blood Give a

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S3: Gift of Any Size at the website. Chris Fabry live.org.

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S3: Chris fabry.org. Or call us at February 8th 669532279. And

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S3: thank you for your support of Chris Fabry live.

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S1: Hey, I'm Allie Dawson in for Chris Fabry. Here on

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S1: Chris Fabry Live. We have a special guest as we

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S1: are talking about marriage, family, parenting, and how to get

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S1: those kids off the screen as we hit the summer months.

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S1: Arlene is a speaker, author, host of the Happy Home podcast. Arlene,

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S1: one of the taglines that she uses often on her podcast,

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S1: you don't have to come from a happy home to

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S1: create one, which is such a cool promise. You know,

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S1: we know that God redeems even the hardest parts of

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S1: our story. So, Arlene, I would love to hear from you.

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S1: Did you come from a happy home? Did you have

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S1: a healthy models of parenting and family life? What? I'm curious.

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S2: Yeah, it's. I have been so blessed to have come

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S2: from a happy home. In fact, people will say, oh, Arlene,

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S2: you're very happy, cheerful person. I'll be like, you should

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S2: see my mother. So my mother is very big and happy. Oh,

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S2: like she's, you know, she'll jump up and down when

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S2: she sees you and she'll be very excited. And then

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S2: people will say, is she always like that? And then

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S2: you're kind of like, yeah, kind of. So she's, she

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S2: is very happy. My dad is very sweet, much more

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S2: soft spoken right than she is. So she's big happy.

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S2: He's soft spoken, sweet, but still very leader, visionary, kind

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S2: of kind of countercultural. Uh, they're from Indonesia. And when

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S2: my mom was pregnant with me, he was like, I

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S2: want to live in the United States. And he took

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S2: his new bride, pregnant bride to New York and started

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S2: in the United States of America. So that and I'm

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S2: an only child. So the things that are interesting is

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S2: being an only child. You know, I don't understand this

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S2: whole sibling rivalry thing. I was totally spoiled as a child.

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S2: You know, I didn't do laundry until I went to college.

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S2: I had no idea how to cook a thing. And

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S2: then you contrast that to my husband, who is the

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S2: baby of four, who was doing everything himself by the

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S2: time he was in second grade. So you can see

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S2: what parenting things that leads to. Uh, and then I

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S2: watched a lot of television. See, my husband, he was

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S2: the one riding the bike, not coming home till really

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S2: late at night. And I was like, I'm just gonna

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S2: watch TV all day. So I watched a lot of TV,

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S2: but by the time I was in junior high, high school,

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S2: I got really involved, like doing things. So then I

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S2: would do other things. And then the spare time I had,

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S2: I would watch TV.

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S1: You know, when you and James got married. I'm curious. What? Yeah.

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S1: What did you envision that family life would look like?

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S1: I mean, were you one of those girls who had

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S1: a wedding planned out and baby names picked out by

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S1: the time you were 12? I had a next door

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S1: neighbor who had that. Her name was Grace. And Grace

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S1: told me when she when we were in seventh grade,

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S1: what she was going to name her future children and

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S1: which was not at all what I was thinking about

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S1: when I was in seventh and eighth grade. Were you

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S1: planning this out early, or did you kind of go

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S1: into it with a little bit of a blank slate?

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S2: Yeah, definitely not to that level. I definitely wanted to

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S2: be married. I wanted to have children, but it wasn't like,

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S2: I must have this many children and these are their names.

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S2: I did not have that outlined and just those general ideas.

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S2: I would like to be married. I would like to

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S2: be a mother. And then, you know, when the babies came,

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S2: it was like, I have no idea what to do

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S2: with this little thing. I was not the woman that

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S2: grew up with, you know, babies and kids around like

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S2: a lot. You know, any babysitting would be for big kids.

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S2: So I didn't know what to do with this baby

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S2: when was born. So yeah, it's a lot of learning

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S2: by doing.

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S1: You know, and some of the expectations. It's interesting how

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S1: you bring in without even realizing it, things that just

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S1: were so normal because of your family, your family of origin.

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S2: You don't even realize it.

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S1: Exactly. Sometimes healthy things, but a lot of times, some

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S1: maybe unhealthy patterns of handling conflict or of working through,

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S1: you know, just little quirks that are normal in a

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S1: family that you go, oh, not everybody folds their towels

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S1: this way like I did growing up. And that's about

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S1: as mild as you can get with that stuff. But

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S1: what unhealthy patterns did you and James bring in that

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S1: you had to kind of unlearn or rework together?

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S2: Yeah. I mean, how long is the show? Right? We

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S2: all have these all these unhealthy things that we bring in.

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S2: I think for me, it the first thing that came

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S2: to mind when you said that and we alluded to earlier,

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S2: and it totally works with screens, is I like to

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S2: watch television at night, you know, like to kind of

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S2: unwind and to have and, you know, some people are

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S2: listening and thinking like, well, that's not a problem. Why

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S2: is that a problem? Well, James didn't. And so our

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S2: first month of marriage, he said, could we not turn

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S2: on the TV for a month? Oh, wow. And I

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S2: was like, wow, this is Since 1999. And I was like,

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S2: that is a really long time. I said, okay, you know,

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S2: you're newlyweds. Anything you ask me to do, I will

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S2: do it with a big and truly, I was with

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S2: all my heart, of course, because he told me it

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S2: was because at the end of the work day, he

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S2: wanted to have fun and to connect and ride bikes

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S2: and go out and do things with me, instead of

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S2: just like sitting around watching television, which to me sounded like, okay,

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S2: that actually makes sense. So after we did this experiment,

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S2: we found, I found, wow, this habit I had brought

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S2: in of just, you know, not even thinking about it

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S2: and flipping the TV on and sitting down watching shows.

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S2: I realized, oh my goodness, if I replace this with

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S2: something else, like I'm much more energized, I'm much more peaceful.

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S2: We feel closer together. So we quickly after the experiment

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S2: was over, we'd go to someone else's house and the

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S2: TV was on in the background and we thought, it

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S2: is so noisy in here. Like, how can you handle that?

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S2: So that really helped us have that norm where all

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S2: throughout our marriage, we haven't had that TV on in

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S2: the background. And that was a decision we made by experiment.

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S1: So, you know, whenever you get labeled a marriage and

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S1: parenting expert.

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S2: Yeah, yeah.

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S1: My question always is at what point did you decide, okay,

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S1: there are things that the Lord has shown me for

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S1: my marriage, for my family, that I would I feel

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S1: called to or compelled to kind of have this broader audience.

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S1: At what point did that become something that was a

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S1: focus for you? Because I, if I had to guess,

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S1: you probably didn't before the wedding, decide I'm going to

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S1: get married and then I'm going to tell other people

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S1: how to have a good marriage.

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S2: Totally. Absolutely. No, it's a great question. And I think

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S2: the term expert is nothing we ever give ourselves, right?

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S2: It's just like, oh, you've.

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S1: Read.

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S2: Marriage books, you're on a podcast, you can do that,

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S2: you know, that kind of thing. But it was I

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S2: knew I loved speaking. So a lot of our children,

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S2: you know, they have things that they really like and,

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S2: and watch pay attention to those things. You know, when

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S2: people were asked to do a speech, most people were terrified.

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S2: I lit up, I was like, I love this. So

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S2: I knew as I was growing up in college and beyond,

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S2: I like to speak, but what in the world am

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S2: I going to talk about? You know? So that's kind

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S2: of the template. And then I got married and had

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S2: children and realized, hey, I actually really like this. Like,

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S2: I like being a wife. I like being a mom.

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S2: You know, it's not perfect. Obviously it's hard, but I

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S2: like it. And I looked around and said, not many

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S2: people like this. And so it kind of all came

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S2: together of, oh, I can use my enjoyment of speaking

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S2: to encourage, to encourage the wife, to encourage the mom

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S2: or dad. And, and really all through interviewing is it

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S2: wasn't my own information from the very beginning. It was,

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S2: here I am a new mom and I'd interview people

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S2: and then I'd put what I learned in books. So

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S2: I was learning alongside. And I think just having that

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S2: exposure week after week after week, through the podcast, through

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S2: writing books, through interviewing people. Then it helped me when

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S2: I was there and my three year old, you know,

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S2: wouldn't wash his face, you know, then then I had some,

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S2: some tools that I had found through interviewing people.

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S1: Arlene Pelikan is our guest this hour on Chris Fabry Live.

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S1: Our number here (877) 548-3675. If you have a question on marriage,

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S1: on parenting on screens, give us a call (877) 548-3675. You know,

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S1: when you think about the biggest some of the biggest

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S1: challenges facing families today. I mean, screens are a big

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S1: part of it. And you mentioned how you, you, you

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S1: love to sit down and watch TV. That was a

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S1: very normal part of your upbringing as it was for

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S1: many people back even to when there was black and

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S1: white TV or just 12 channels or I hear that

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S1: there was a time when the TV actually went off

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S1: air at night.

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S4: That's great.

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S1: Which is crazy to think about.

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S4: Wouldn't that be nice.

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S2: If the phones all like, oh, sorry, from 3 to

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S2: 6 a.m. there is no TikTok.

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S4: Everything shuts down.

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S1: But now it never it never turns off. And it's

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S1: far more than just the TV and actually the TV,

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S1: I feel like for my household is the least addictive thing.

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S4: That's right.

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S1: That it's it's everything else is that am I, am

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S1: I unique in that.

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S4: Or so.

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S2: Just no. So just think the smaller the screen, the

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S2: bigger the problem. You have a huge flat screen. You

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S2: have this big TV, you know, no one's sneaking around

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S2: with that thing. No one's watching what they're not supposed

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S2: to be watching on that thing or incessantly looking at

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S2: it at night. Right? So kind of the big screens.

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S2: You're good. It's the little ones. It's the tablets, it's

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S2: the phones. It's the that they're always with you wherever

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S2: you go. And that's the problem. And obviously it's endless.

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S2: The shows we refer to at the top, you know,

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S2: were shows that came on once a week, and then

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S2: you had to wait a whole week before you watched it. Well,

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S2: now you can watch a whole season in a in

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S2: a night if you want to, you know, if you

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S2: want to stay up to do that. And so just

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S2: this huge amount of content married to a system that

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S2: is with you all the time, and then the tactic

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S2: to be totally addictive and want you craving more is,

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S2: is just something really that the human being on its

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S2: own cannot, cannot overcome. And especially not children.

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S1: You know, and there's so many stats out there, and

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S1: I'm not going to give a bunch of stats. But anecdotally,

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S1: one thing that we talk about often in the in

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S1: the morning, on the morning show on Carl and crew

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S1: is making the best use of the time and time redemption.

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S1: And the feedback that we get most consistently from people

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S1: is that it's such a struggle to put down devices,

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S1: to pull away from the things that are distracting us

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S1: to do the things that we know that we're called

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S1: to do. And there's a lot of shame and frustration

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S1: that's kind of tied up in this of like, I,

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S1: I know the right thing to do, but I can't

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S1: seem to do it. Which. I've seen that written somewhere little.

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S1: Romans seven. The thing that I wanted to. I'm not doing.

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S1: And as it relates to screens, how big of a

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S1: problem is this? And not just for kids?

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S2: Yeah, this is a problem through every generation. So let's

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S2: think you are doing better than the norm. And you

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S2: don't give your child a device till their age 12.

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S2: And then they start using this device two hours a day. Again,

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S2: that is really better than the norm that, you know,

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S2: the norm would be much earlier. Half of, of 2

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S2: to 4 year olds have their own device right now,

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S2: and their kids are using it, you know, eight hours

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S2: a day. So you'd be doing really well. Well, if

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S2: you did that, by the time your child was 85

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S2: years old, they would have spent nine full years of

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S2: their life giving them seven hours to sleep on a device.

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S2: So if you started at age 12 and if they

401
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S2: started just two hours a day, By the time they're

402
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S2: in their 80s, they will look back and say, wow,

403
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S2: I spent almost a decade of my life looking at

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S2: a screen. And we know that, yeah, there are some

405
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S2: noble things to look at that screen, but most of

406
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S2: the stuff, if you did, if you missed it, be like, okay,

407
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S2: you missed that for a week. Would your life, you know,

408
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S2: be dramatically changed that you didn't check your social media,

409
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:59,060
S2: didn't check the news, YouTube your stocks for a week?

410
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S2: Probably not. But what if you spent two hours a

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S2: day on your relationship with God, on your relationship with

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S2: your family, on skills to make you a better employee,

413
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S2: a better employer, whatever it is? I mean, can you

414
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S2: imagine the trajectory of your growth? So just to understand,

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S2: I think sometimes we have to get a little fear

416
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S2: in us. Like, wait a minute, I don't want to

417
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S2: give up that much of my time because it's distracting

418
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S2: us from the calling God has in our life as adults.

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S2: It's diminishing. Right? Like as we get older, just, oh,

420
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S2: I'm just going to be like, just sit on my phone.

421
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S2: Like that's depressing. You don't want to grow up and just.

422
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S2: I didn't retire for that just to sit on my

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S2: phone all day. And then for children, a lot of

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S2: times as they become adults, as they're trying to figure

425
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,389
S2: out what to do with their life, they'll go back

426
00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:48,909
S2: to like, what did I really love in childhood? You know,

427
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S2: because we kind of have clues to what we were

428
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S2: made for. AM I a science person, a music person?

429
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S2: Do I like helping and rehabilitating people? AM I a

430
00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:00,909
S2: visionary to create things out of nothing? Well, if kids

431
00:22:00,910 --> 00:22:03,350
S2: are just on their screens all the time, they're not

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S2: discovering those things that they were made for. So there's

433
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S2: such a high cost and it's, you know, and it's,

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S2: that's not even talking about the bad things, right? That

435
00:22:12,869 --> 00:22:16,070
S2: they're seeing on the, the bad content that's being shown.

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S4: Yeah.

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S1: We've got Arlene Pelican with us. I want to make

438
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S1: sure that you go to the Chris Fabry live Facebook page.

439
00:22:21,990 --> 00:22:24,149
S1: There's a question out there that I would love to

440
00:22:24,150 --> 00:22:27,230
S1: hear your feedback on. What's one strategy that your family

441
00:22:27,230 --> 00:22:29,790
S1: is using to put down the devices and to deepen

442
00:22:29,790 --> 00:22:32,810
S1: those relationships. If you've got feedback, leave it there on

443
00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:43,770
S1: the Facebook page. Also taking your calls, your questions for Arlene. (877) 548-3675. (877) 548-3675.

444
00:22:43,810 --> 00:22:46,530
S1: Get those questions in because I know you have them.

445
00:22:46,570 --> 00:22:49,090
S1: You know I, I look at my kids Arlene I've

446
00:22:49,090 --> 00:22:51,570
S1: got a seven almost 17 year old. She'll be 17

447
00:22:51,570 --> 00:22:54,050
S1: at the end of the month. And a 13 year old,

448
00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:56,650
S1: a girl and a boy. And I don't want to overgeneralize.

449
00:22:56,650 --> 00:22:59,889
S1: But I have noticed that their their tendencies are a

450
00:22:59,890 --> 00:23:04,929
S1: little bit different. My son is much more prone to.

451
00:23:05,210 --> 00:23:10,330
S1: If we let him get lost in in YouTube, uh, YouTube,

452
00:23:10,369 --> 00:23:13,650
S1: the short little clips, the exciting thing that somebody did

453
00:23:13,650 --> 00:23:16,770
S1: or the sport trivia or he likes to acquire like

454
00:23:16,810 --> 00:23:18,810
S1: little pieces of knowledge that he can then and I

455
00:23:18,810 --> 00:23:20,890
S1: always ask him, where did you learn that? And it's

456
00:23:20,890 --> 00:23:24,929
S1: so I saw a clip on, on YouTube, my daughter,

457
00:23:24,930 --> 00:23:28,370
S1: not so much. He is not at all tempted to

458
00:23:28,410 --> 00:23:30,950
S1: kind of lose it in YouTube.

459
00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:31,629
S4: But.

460
00:23:31,830 --> 00:23:36,990
S1: She will watch videos on Instagram. So. So social media

461
00:23:36,990 --> 00:23:40,830
S1: and she got it later than than some. But she

462
00:23:40,869 --> 00:23:43,750
S1: that's more where she might be tempted to lose time

463
00:23:43,750 --> 00:23:47,510
S1: or just watching shows, TV shows. So are there, are

464
00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:51,070
S1: there patterns that you can point to as to what different,

465
00:23:51,070 --> 00:23:54,750
S1: whether it's age or gender, uh, in terms of the

466
00:23:54,790 --> 00:23:56,310
S1: temptation when it comes to tech?

467
00:23:56,350 --> 00:23:59,870
S2: Yes. Yeah. No, that's very indicative for girls. It is

468
00:23:59,869 --> 00:24:03,590
S2: going to be social media because girls are social creatures.

469
00:24:03,590 --> 00:24:06,070
S2: We are all about trying to figure out where do

470
00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:08,830
S2: I fit in this group? AM I at the top?

471
00:24:08,830 --> 00:24:11,270
S2: AM I at the bottom? What can I do? I'm

472
00:24:11,310 --> 00:24:14,629
S2: measuring myself. I'm looking. I want to conform. I want

473
00:24:14,630 --> 00:24:17,469
S2: to fit in. I want social connection. So all the

474
00:24:17,470 --> 00:24:20,190
S2: girls are going to flock to social media to get

475
00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:22,710
S2: in a group, to figure out where they land and

476
00:24:22,710 --> 00:24:26,149
S2: to keep being there, right? That's huge for girls. So

477
00:24:26,150 --> 00:24:29,649
S2: social media is going to gobble up our girls time.

478
00:24:29,650 --> 00:24:32,330
S2: And then for boys, of course, they want to conquer,

479
00:24:32,369 --> 00:24:35,570
S2: they want to defend, they want to protect. So they're

480
00:24:35,570 --> 00:24:37,770
S2: going to build something and then they're going to protect it.

481
00:24:37,770 --> 00:24:41,010
S2: And then they're going to kill something to protect, you know,

482
00:24:41,050 --> 00:24:43,330
S2: so they're going to do all those kinds of things

483
00:24:43,330 --> 00:24:45,689
S2: and they're going to be in competition. They're going to

484
00:24:45,690 --> 00:24:47,929
S2: see where they rank with other boys. They're going to

485
00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:52,570
S2: collaborate together and form teams. So and it's so visual

486
00:24:52,570 --> 00:24:56,609
S2: and very immersive. So it really makes sense that video

487
00:24:56,690 --> 00:24:59,850
S2: games will be for a lot of boys. That's where

488
00:24:59,850 --> 00:25:02,650
S2: they're going to spend the time, social media for girls.

489
00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:05,490
S2: And then the YouTube will be used a lot like YouTube,

490
00:25:05,490 --> 00:25:09,250
S2: Reddit shorts, things like that for boys. Like those short

491
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:13,370
S2: hits of information, of thrill of, you know, what's going,

492
00:25:13,410 --> 00:25:16,369
S2: you know, all those danger, right? That that's what they're

493
00:25:16,369 --> 00:25:17,610
S2: going to be looking for.

494
00:25:17,650 --> 00:25:18,090
S4: Yeah.

495
00:25:18,410 --> 00:25:22,210
S1: Arlene Pelican, our guest, I want to emphasize here, solutions

496
00:25:22,210 --> 00:25:25,850
S1: and strategies are coming because I don't have to explain

497
00:25:25,850 --> 00:25:29,230
S1: to you why this can be so challenging. It can

498
00:25:29,230 --> 00:25:33,390
S1: be addictive. If you've ever spent an hour on Facebook

499
00:25:33,390 --> 00:25:36,590
S1: when you had intended to just respond to that one message.

500
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:39,910
S1: But boy, time got away from you. There's no shame here,

501
00:25:39,910 --> 00:25:42,390
S1: but we're going to ask Arlene to give us a

502
00:25:42,470 --> 00:25:47,350
S1: biblically sound wise solutions that we can implement this summer

503
00:25:47,550 --> 00:25:49,910
S1: so that this summer can be really a winning one

504
00:25:49,910 --> 00:25:52,590
S1: for your family, because I know that that's what you want.

505
00:25:52,869 --> 00:25:55,270
S1: Certainly what I want for my household more coming up

506
00:25:55,270 --> 00:26:05,350
S1: here on Chris Fabry Live. You want God's best for

507
00:26:05,350 --> 00:26:09,030
S1: your family. Whether your kids are little, whether your kids

508
00:26:09,030 --> 00:26:13,310
S1: are grown, maybe your family is you. Maybe you live alone.

509
00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:17,350
S1: You want to have a healthy relationship with tech. And

510
00:26:17,350 --> 00:26:20,590
S1: boy oh boy, these little devices can sometimes make it

511
00:26:20,590 --> 00:26:24,350
S1: really tough. You intended to open your Bible app to

512
00:26:24,390 --> 00:26:28,040
S1: read the Word of God. But then one of those notifications,

513
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,440
S1: those pesky notifications, it draws your attention. And that time

514
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,720
S1: that you had intended to spend with the Lord, you

515
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,639
S1: actually got distracted and did something else. And if you

516
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,000
S1: that's happened to you, you were certainly not alone. But

517
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,480
S1: we don't want to settle for that, even though that

518
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,560
S1: seems to be the default if we don't fight against it.

519
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,200
S1: Arlene Pelikan, our guest, has given us some help with this.

520
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,520
S1: She's a speaker, author, host of the Happy Home podcast.

521
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,280
S1: Our featured resource today, Screen Kids five Relational Skills Every

522
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,640
S1: Child Needs in a Tech Driven World. Arlene co-authored this

523
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:02,400
S1: book with the one and only Gary Chapman, who I'm

524
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,359
S1: sure that's a familiar name to you. If you have

525
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:11,240
S1: questions for Arlene (877) 548-3675. Arlene, some of our listeners may

526
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,000
S1: not know this crazy experiment that you did with your

527
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:19,160
S1: own three kids. Yeah, only crazy because it's not as

528
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,640
S1: common as maybe it used to be. Tell us how

529
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,100
S1: your approach with your three kids who are now teenagers,

530
00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:27,460
S1: even into. I think you have a young 20 something.

531
00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:30,700
S2: Yes, I do. I have a college graduate, a college

532
00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:34,100
S2: age student, and a senior in high school. And we

533
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:37,060
S2: saw like, okay, these devices are very addictive. We are

534
00:27:37,060 --> 00:27:40,380
S2: not anti-tech. We love technology. This is how we're talking

535
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:42,859
S2: to each other. So it wasn't like a fear technology

536
00:27:42,900 --> 00:27:46,420
S2: kind of vibe, but we understood, wait a minute. If

537
00:27:46,420 --> 00:27:49,620
S2: Steve Jobs didn't give a tablet an iPad to his kids,

538
00:27:49,619 --> 00:27:52,420
S2: if Bill gates didn't give a phone until high school, like,

539
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:54,979
S2: what do these tech people know that we don't know.

540
00:27:55,180 --> 00:27:58,179
S2: So we decided to, and it's honestly the lazy way

541
00:27:58,340 --> 00:28:02,139
S2: we decided to delay social media, video games and personal

542
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:07,060
S2: smartphones until the senior year of high school. And it

543
00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:09,940
S2: saved us from doing a lot of monitoring. And in

544
00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:14,580
S2: its place, we put skills and books and hobbies and

545
00:28:14,580 --> 00:28:18,500
S2: activities and sports and art and horseback riding so that

546
00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:21,500
S2: our kids would understand, oh, like we, we do a

547
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:24,120
S2: lot of things. Instead of watching things on YouTube. We

548
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,040
S2: like do them. And they understood very early on like, okay,

549
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,200
S2: we're weird, but we're actually having fun.

550
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:32,600
S4: You know?

551
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:36,240
S1: And I know that you shared that bit of information

552
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,479
S1: with a little bit of hesitation and even some qualifiers because.

553
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,080
S4: It's.

554
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,520
S1: It's easy for people to kind of write that off

555
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,000
S1: as that, that feels a little extreme. That could never

556
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,640
S1: work for. And in full disclosure, I, I already mentioned

557
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,320
S1: my daughter has a smartphone. My son, who's 13, does

558
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,520
S1: not have a smartphone, but he has a watch that

559
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,280
S1: he can call and text on it. So there are

560
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,200
S1: different approaches, certainly that different families can take. So we're

561
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,960
S1: not advocating one or the other. But let's let's talk

562
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:10,920
S1: to the parent who has given their their child a device.

563
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,520
S1: And like many, many parents, is now fighting this kind

564
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,680
S1: of tug of war. They're not hearing you when you

565
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,740
S1: call them for dinner or to do chores or there,

566
00:29:21,780 --> 00:29:24,300
S1: you know, that device they don't even see. They don't

567
00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:27,420
S1: know what color their child's eyes are anymore because their

568
00:29:27,420 --> 00:29:31,460
S1: head is always down. And it can be so frustrating

569
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:35,980
S1: as a parent to try to manage it. Uh, give

570
00:29:35,980 --> 00:29:36,980
S1: us some of the strategies.

571
00:29:36,980 --> 00:29:38,100
S4: I'm going to give you two.

572
00:29:38,260 --> 00:29:41,500
S2: Yeah. Two words hope. Like a lot of times we

573
00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:43,340
S2: give up. We just think this is how it is.

574
00:29:43,380 --> 00:29:44,780
S2: This is how it's going to be. This is how

575
00:29:44,780 --> 00:29:47,900
S2: everyone is now. We're sorry. No, like take that time

576
00:29:47,940 --> 00:29:50,820
S2: of moment. Ask the Lord. Lord, I need hope. I

577
00:29:50,820 --> 00:29:52,580
S2: need to know it's not going to be like this

578
00:29:52,580 --> 00:29:55,940
S2: forever and that I will have a close relationship with

579
00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:58,940
S2: my children. And I will teach them how to be

580
00:29:58,940 --> 00:30:01,140
S2: a human being. Like how to become an adult who

581
00:30:01,140 --> 00:30:03,220
S2: can look someone in the eye and have a relationship

582
00:30:03,220 --> 00:30:07,500
S2: super important. So first that hope and then the leadership

583
00:30:07,820 --> 00:30:10,219
S2: that the parent really does have. You may not feel it,

584
00:30:10,220 --> 00:30:13,340
S2: but you have it. The leadership that says, hey, I'm

585
00:30:13,340 --> 00:30:15,979
S2: the one. The buck stops here. Like I'm the one

586
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,760
S2: who can honestly make a change. First of all, by modeling.

587
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,560
S2: Maybe it's hey, I'm sorry, child of mine. I've let

588
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,760
S2: you play this video game, but I've realized, like it

589
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,640
S2: is super violent and you become like a different person

590
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,560
S2: when you play this. And that's on me. And we're

591
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,200
S2: going to do a week where we just take off

592
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,440
S2: and we just we don't play this video game and

593
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,800
S2: this is what we're going to do instead. And you know,

594
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,120
S2: you're not going to get popularity points by that. But

595
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,360
S2: what are you doing? You are acting as a parent.

596
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,880
S2: You are acting to say, this is obviously bad for you.

597
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,360
S2: And if I'm not going to protect you, who is

598
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,040
S2: so kind of look, is there something that you need

599
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,520
S2: to apologize for to pull back to protect your child,

600
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:57,640
S2: model it yourself? And then if it feels too overwhelming, like,

601
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,360
S2: oh my word, it's everything, just pick one thing and

602
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,640
S2: get that victory. Whether it's screen free, meal time is

603
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:05,800
S2: a great place to start. We're going to have our meals,

604
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,960
S2: guys without phones, even mom, right? Maybe it's mom that

605
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,800
S2: has the phone the most. Even grandma, you know, take

606
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,600
S2: the screens out of the bedroom at night because you

607
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,320
S2: may feel like, oh, it's summer now. It doesn't matter.

608
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,210
S2: They don't have to go to school. But can you

609
00:31:19,210 --> 00:31:24,210
S2: imagine under darkness when you're tired, you're alone with a screen.

610
00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:26,450
S2: You know, let's just say that's like a triple threat.

611
00:31:26,450 --> 00:31:29,730
S2: That's that's a problem. So to say, I'm sorry, I

612
00:31:29,730 --> 00:31:31,690
S2: get it, but we're going to collect your phones over

613
00:31:31,690 --> 00:31:35,450
S2: the summertime because you really have been chronically fatigued through

614
00:31:35,450 --> 00:31:38,090
S2: the whole year of waking up all the time at

615
00:31:38,090 --> 00:31:40,970
S2: night looking at your phone. So this summer we're going

616
00:31:41,010 --> 00:31:44,090
S2: to do a reset and we're going to get you rested.

617
00:31:44,250 --> 00:31:48,210
S2: And again, not popularity points, but something you can really

618
00:31:48,210 --> 00:31:49,650
S2: do to help your child.

619
00:31:49,770 --> 00:31:52,410
S1: I love that you used the word hope because there,

620
00:31:52,450 --> 00:31:55,010
S1: there is hope in this. And we, we do want

621
00:31:55,010 --> 00:31:58,930
S1: to exercise the God given authority as parents to set

622
00:31:58,970 --> 00:32:04,010
S1: certain rules and and groundwork for what we want our kids. And,

623
00:32:04,050 --> 00:32:05,810
S1: you know, I think about with my own kids, I

624
00:32:05,810 --> 00:32:08,730
S1: think I want them to be able to manage this when,

625
00:32:08,730 --> 00:32:10,930
S1: when they're out of the house. And now having an

626
00:32:10,930 --> 00:32:13,489
S1: almost 17 year old, she's got one more year of

627
00:32:13,490 --> 00:32:16,090
S1: high school. And then her plan is to go to college.

628
00:32:16,090 --> 00:32:18,950
S1: So I want her to be in college and, and

629
00:32:18,950 --> 00:32:21,990
S1: be able to manage this herself, right?

630
00:32:22,030 --> 00:32:22,550
S4: I mean.

631
00:32:22,750 --> 00:32:25,510
S1: Not need mom to be like, okay, it's time for

632
00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:27,270
S1: you to put your phone down because you've been on

633
00:32:27,270 --> 00:32:28,550
S1: it for too long. I mean, this.

634
00:32:28,590 --> 00:32:28,910
S4: And this.

635
00:32:28,910 --> 00:32:31,790
S2: Is and this is habit, right? It's helping them establish

636
00:32:31,790 --> 00:32:34,670
S2: the habits at home that then when they're gone in college,

637
00:32:34,670 --> 00:32:37,110
S2: they'll realize, oh, it's nighttime now. This, I put this

638
00:32:37,110 --> 00:32:39,270
S2: away so that I can get a good night's sleep

639
00:32:39,270 --> 00:32:42,030
S2: and not be staring at all this light. Right. Just

640
00:32:42,030 --> 00:32:45,310
S2: that they have this habit before they get there.

641
00:32:45,550 --> 00:32:47,670
S1: What are some of the warning signs I know you

642
00:32:47,670 --> 00:32:48,630
S1: outline in the book.

643
00:32:48,630 --> 00:32:48,990
S4: That.

644
00:32:49,390 --> 00:32:53,190
S1: It's too much? I mean, it's interesting. The American Academy

645
00:32:53,190 --> 00:32:57,110
S1: of Pediatrics has moved away from having, they used to say,

646
00:32:57,110 --> 00:33:00,470
S1: a certain number of hours, and now they've moved away

647
00:33:00,470 --> 00:33:04,750
S1: from that. Now prioritizing like the context and the quality

648
00:33:04,750 --> 00:33:08,030
S1: of what's being watched on the screen. But what, what

649
00:33:08,030 --> 00:33:10,150
S1: are some of the warning signs that it's just too

650
00:33:10,150 --> 00:33:11,950
S1: much for, for my kid?

651
00:33:12,470 --> 00:33:15,610
S2: And to that point, there's a little bit of problem there,

652
00:33:15,650 --> 00:33:18,730
S2: like so. So just realize that we will say, oh, well,

653
00:33:18,730 --> 00:33:21,090
S2: the doctor said this, that it's fine as long as

654
00:33:21,090 --> 00:33:23,650
S2: we limit it. And they made it really general. But

655
00:33:23,690 --> 00:33:26,730
S2: Doctor Richard Freed, the psychologist, has pointed out that a

656
00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:29,130
S2: lot of people on the board who make those decisions,

657
00:33:29,130 --> 00:33:31,730
S2: that they have big tech ties. Right.

658
00:33:31,770 --> 00:33:32,090
S4: Oh, wow.

659
00:33:32,130 --> 00:33:35,370
S2: So we do have to kind of realize, wait, let's

660
00:33:35,370 --> 00:33:37,490
S2: push back on that. A kid who's on eight hours

661
00:33:37,490 --> 00:33:40,530
S2: a day versus a kid who's on one hour a day.

662
00:33:40,570 --> 00:33:43,010
S2: Like just by being sedentary, there's going to be some

663
00:33:43,010 --> 00:33:46,530
S2: physical ramifications of that. So, so just question that a

664
00:33:46,530 --> 00:33:50,050
S2: little bit for yourself. But the tell me again, your.

665
00:33:50,050 --> 00:33:50,770
S4: Original warning.

666
00:33:50,770 --> 00:33:51,290
S1: Signs. Yeah, the.

667
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:52,130
S4: Warning signs that.

668
00:33:52,170 --> 00:33:52,610
S1: It's that it's.

669
00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:53,010
S4: Too much.

670
00:33:53,050 --> 00:33:55,970
S2: Yes. So they don't do what they used to do.

671
00:33:56,010 --> 00:33:58,930
S2: Let's say they used to love drawing soccer or whatever

672
00:33:58,930 --> 00:34:01,570
S2: it is. They, they like filling their time with those things.

673
00:34:01,570 --> 00:34:03,810
S2: But you're like, hey, you haven't played the piano for

674
00:34:03,810 --> 00:34:07,170
S2: a really long time. You haven't played baseball forever. What's

675
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:09,490
S2: going on? They used to hang out with a friend,

676
00:34:09,489 --> 00:34:12,730
S2: like in real life, like go out, be with friends. Hey,

677
00:34:12,730 --> 00:34:16,589
S2: you haven't been with your friends very much. They are moody.

678
00:34:16,830 --> 00:34:22,310
S2: They're cranky. They get angry, easier. They're more outbursts. Their

679
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:25,750
S2: personal hygiene is going down. All these things. And, you know,

680
00:34:26,030 --> 00:34:28,310
S2: if they're in school, their grades are going down. And

681
00:34:28,310 --> 00:34:30,470
S2: you see these things, you could kind of ask yourself,

682
00:34:30,469 --> 00:34:33,509
S2: wait a minute, what's changed? Like what's going on? Are

683
00:34:33,510 --> 00:34:35,669
S2: they on a new social media app? Have they made

684
00:34:35,670 --> 00:34:38,669
S2: a new friend online? That is a bad influence, you know,

685
00:34:38,710 --> 00:34:42,350
S2: and really try to see what in their technology might

686
00:34:42,350 --> 00:34:45,310
S2: be tipping that forward of those warning signs.

687
00:34:45,350 --> 00:34:48,950
S1: Yeah. Now, what are some of the, the skills that

688
00:34:48,950 --> 00:34:52,590
S1: kids need? That tech is kind of robbing them of

689
00:34:52,630 --> 00:34:54,950
S1: one big one that I see, and I'm wondering if

690
00:34:54,950 --> 00:34:57,830
S1: this is on the list, but the ability to like

691
00:34:57,870 --> 00:35:01,469
S1: interact and have conversation. If you watch, you'll, I'll often

692
00:35:01,469 --> 00:35:04,910
S1: watch like groups of kids and, and they don't really

693
00:35:04,910 --> 00:35:07,270
S1: know how to interact with each other without the phone,

694
00:35:07,270 --> 00:35:08,830
S1: let alone with adults.

695
00:35:08,989 --> 00:35:12,350
S2: Right, right. So just think a kid would be so comfortable,

696
00:35:12,390 --> 00:35:16,400
S2: like ordering food like DoorDash. But can they, like, go

697
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:20,080
S2: up and talk to the server and order their food

698
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,160
S2: and look at them in the eye and say thank

699
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,160
S2: you when the food comes out? So just start there,

700
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,320
S2: you know? And if it's like, oh, that's really hard. Okay,

701
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:27,920
S2: then start. We used to do it, you know, we

702
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,880
S2: have in and out here in California that our kids

703
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:34,000
S2: from a young age, they had to order out loud. And,

704
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,280
S2: and James, my husband would say, if they can't hear you,

705
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,839
S2: then you can't get a hamburger. So my kids are

706
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:42,080
S2: practically yelling, you know, like cheese, you know, they're trying.

707
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,560
S2: So just get your kids in normal situations instead of

708
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,080
S2: rescuing them. Oh, I'll just do it for them. No,

709
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:51,200
S2: you say what you want to eat and you actually

710
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,120
S2: interact with the person. Like avoid the kiosk and go

711
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:56,839
S2: to the person and say, please, this is practice. Go

712
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,080
S2: to the person, make them get on a phone. What

713
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,960
S2: in the world? And let's say you're calling and you

714
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,640
S2: want to know if a certain thing is in stock.

715
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:07,760
S2: Then you say, okay, get on the phone and call

716
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,640
S2: the person and ask them if they have it. I mean,

717
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:13,299
S2: this will mortify So many people, right? So just get

718
00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:17,500
S2: them on the phone actually talking. And then normal skills

719
00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:22,060
S2: of mowing a lawn, doing chores, you know, ringing the,

720
00:36:22,060 --> 00:36:25,100
S2: the doorbell of a neighbor and asking, do you have

721
00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:27,859
S2: a cup of sugar? Like instead of you doing it yourself,

722
00:36:27,900 --> 00:36:29,859
S2: I mean, who knows if anyone does this anymore, but

723
00:36:29,860 --> 00:36:33,339
S2: you get it. Like put them in situations where they've

724
00:36:33,340 --> 00:36:35,739
S2: never done that before. And it seems kind of daunting,

725
00:36:35,940 --> 00:36:38,420
S2: but it's doable. Like, I can go do that because

726
00:36:38,420 --> 00:36:41,219
S2: you're training them for when they're in college. They can

727
00:36:41,219 --> 00:36:43,700
S2: advocate for themselves. They can talk to the teacher and say,

728
00:36:43,700 --> 00:36:46,460
S2: when are your office hours? Okay, I need to come

729
00:36:46,500 --> 00:36:49,300
S2: because I didn't understand what you just said. That needs

730
00:36:49,300 --> 00:36:51,859
S2: to not mortify them. They need to be able to

731
00:36:51,860 --> 00:36:54,420
S2: do that. And obviously someday they're going to ask a

732
00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:56,779
S2: girl out that's going to be really scary. So they're

733
00:36:56,780 --> 00:36:59,140
S2: going to need to do these kinds of things. So

734
00:36:59,140 --> 00:37:02,700
S2: a lot of practice interacting with people and that happens

735
00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:05,180
S2: around the dinner table. So not allowing just we're not

736
00:37:05,180 --> 00:37:07,020
S2: just going to veg out, we're going to talk to

737
00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:10,439
S2: each other and we're going to practice these things. And

738
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:14,560
S2: then whether it's music or sports or art, any kind

739
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:18,439
S2: of competence in a skill will help them, right? They're

740
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,560
S2: collecting confidence along the way and then they know, oh,

741
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:24,439
S2: I used to not be able to do karate, but

742
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:26,560
S2: now I'm competent or I used to not be able

743
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:28,279
S2: to play the guitar. And I remember when that was

744
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:31,960
S2: really hard. But now I can play. They need that

745
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,440
S2: kind of muscle memory to know I can take a

746
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,719
S2: new skill and I can be good at it.

747
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,120
S1: Yeah. Arlene Pelikan is with us. I want to leave

748
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:43,000
S1: some space for your questions here. As we get to

749
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:49,160
S1: the back half of our hour. Give us a call (877) 548-3675.

750
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,240
S1: Maybe this is a challenge in your home. Ask Arlene

751
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:58,759
S1: if maybe she can help. (877) 548-3675. Chris Fabry live. Answer

752
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,400
S1: our question on Facebook as well.

753
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,460
S3: Whether you need encouragement, hope, or just a friend to

754
00:38:10,460 --> 00:38:13,380
S3: listen to your heart, you're welcome at Chris Fabry Live.

755
00:38:13,420 --> 00:38:15,940
S3: To keep this conversation going, I want to invite you

756
00:38:15,940 --> 00:38:19,180
S3: to become a back fence partner. Your monthly gift keeps

757
00:38:19,180 --> 00:38:21,660
S3: us on the air in your neighborhood. Find out about

758
00:38:21,660 --> 00:38:26,620
S3: exclusive offers and personal messages from yours truly. Call 86695

759
00:38:26,660 --> 00:38:31,180
S3: favorite or Automate Your Giving online@chris.org.

760
00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:39,780
S1: So glad you have joined us at the Radio Backyard Fence.

761
00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:42,620
S1: This is Chris Fabry live. No, I am not Chris Fabry.

762
00:38:43,060 --> 00:38:46,580
S1: Ali Domer sitting in for Chris for a couple of days.

763
00:38:46,739 --> 00:38:50,620
S1: Joined today by our special guest, Arlene Pelican, speaker, author,

764
00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:54,219
S1: host of the Happy Home podcast. We have been talking

765
00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:58,299
S1: parenting and screens and it can be a challenge in

766
00:38:58,300 --> 00:39:00,899
S1: these summer months. You know, the days where you could

767
00:39:00,940 --> 00:39:04,860
S1: send kids outside to play. Those days aren't gone, but

768
00:39:04,860 --> 00:39:07,640
S1: you may have more of a challenge getting them to

769
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,120
S1: put down the device to do this. Arlene, you know,

770
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,960
S1: we've we've talked a lot about kids, but you I

771
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:17,320
S1: want to go back to something you said earlier. As adults,

772
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,200
S1: we have to model what we want to see in

773
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:24,000
S1: our kids. And we would be kidding ourselves if we

774
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,040
S1: think that it's only the teenagers and younger who are

775
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:31,040
S1: battling with these devices. Because last I looked around, it's

776
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:33,280
S1: the grown ups too. We're struggling.

777
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,799
S2: Grandma and grandpa, they're looking at things as well. They're

778
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,840
S2: looking at stocks and and how to knit scarves and

779
00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,120
S2: all sorts of things. Oh yes.

780
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:45,600
S1: I read, you know, I like to read these advice columns.

781
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,120
S1: I love to see the questions that people submit and

782
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,680
S1: how the different advice columnists answer. And one of the

783
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,640
S1: questions that came in was interesting, and it was someone

784
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,280
S1: who said, my, my adult or it was an adult

785
00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:00,680
S1: child who had parents who were obviously a little bit older.

786
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,640
S1: And she was very concerned about the amount of time

787
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:07,210
S1: they were spending on their devices. And I thought, how

788
00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:10,890
S1: what an interesting kind of twist on this because, you know,

789
00:40:10,930 --> 00:40:14,130
S1: when there's more time on your hands and, and Facebook

790
00:40:14,130 --> 00:40:16,730
S1: is really interesting and all of those funny videos that

791
00:40:16,730 --> 00:40:19,529
S1: you can share with friends. I mean, this can become

792
00:40:19,530 --> 00:40:21,570
S1: a real time suck, right?

793
00:40:21,930 --> 00:40:27,770
S2: Yeah. And then if you, if you don't have something scheduled, right,

794
00:40:27,770 --> 00:40:30,930
S2: that you are doing, then what's the default? And then

795
00:40:30,930 --> 00:40:34,969
S2: usually the default is screens. So one, it's no matter

796
00:40:34,969 --> 00:40:37,210
S2: what season of life you're in, have some kind of

797
00:40:37,250 --> 00:40:40,290
S2: meaningful pursuit, whether it's a place that you serve or

798
00:40:40,330 --> 00:40:42,450
S2: a group that you go to every week or a

799
00:40:42,450 --> 00:40:45,089
S2: new skill that you're learning. My husband and I, we

800
00:40:45,130 --> 00:40:47,570
S2: signed up for a salsa class, which is very funny.

801
00:40:47,610 --> 00:40:49,730
S2: Not the salsa to eat, the salsa to dance. And

802
00:40:49,730 --> 00:40:52,969
S2: that's pretty been very humorous. But, you know, do something

803
00:40:52,969 --> 00:40:56,290
S2: that that isn't screen based so that, you know, okay,

804
00:40:56,330 --> 00:40:58,730
S2: I do have something to go to. So I have

805
00:40:58,730 --> 00:41:01,930
S2: to stop doing this because otherwise the default is you

806
00:41:01,930 --> 00:41:05,870
S2: just keep being there. And obviously the algorithm knows exactly

807
00:41:05,870 --> 00:41:09,509
S2: what you're interested in and will serve you exactly what

808
00:41:09,510 --> 00:41:12,990
S2: you want. And it has something for your curiosity.

809
00:41:13,390 --> 00:41:16,109
S1: And Arlene here just is in our closing minutes. You know,

810
00:41:16,150 --> 00:41:18,910
S1: I want you to give a word to families. Kind

811
00:41:18,910 --> 00:41:21,870
S1: of a word of encouragement for the summer, because I

812
00:41:21,910 --> 00:41:24,550
S1: know you listened to a show like this, and almost

813
00:41:24,550 --> 00:41:27,710
S1: everybody listening is going to have an area where they feel, well,

814
00:41:27,750 --> 00:41:31,150
S1: I mean, it's maybe some healthy conviction, maybe some unhealthy guilt,

815
00:41:31,150 --> 00:41:34,069
S1: whether it's their own device usage or they're looking at

816
00:41:34,110 --> 00:41:37,790
S1: their kids and go, man, that many years of time lost, like,

817
00:41:37,830 --> 00:41:40,310
S1: I'm so far from where I want to be in this.

818
00:41:40,510 --> 00:41:41,950
S1: Give a final word of hope.

819
00:41:42,350 --> 00:41:45,910
S2: Yeah. Think about summers that were special to you. Maybe

820
00:41:45,950 --> 00:41:48,390
S2: it was summer camp. Maybe that's something that we can

821
00:41:48,430 --> 00:41:50,549
S2: save for for the future if we didn't do it

822
00:41:50,550 --> 00:41:53,990
S2: this year. But sending your child to Christian summer camp

823
00:41:53,989 --> 00:41:57,030
S2: or going to a camp as a family is. Wow,

824
00:41:57,070 --> 00:42:00,469
S2: what a good memory. Most likely your good summer memories

825
00:42:00,469 --> 00:42:04,370
S2: were with ice cream or bicycles or lakes or people

826
00:42:04,370 --> 00:42:07,250
S2: you loved, or fun games. And they weren't just sitting

827
00:42:07,250 --> 00:42:10,490
S2: in your room all day for six hours. So, so

828
00:42:10,650 --> 00:42:13,089
S2: do these things not because you have to or you know,

829
00:42:13,090 --> 00:42:15,209
S2: but instead find joy in it. Like, I only have

830
00:42:15,210 --> 00:42:18,930
S2: 18 summers with this child or with this grandchild. What's

831
00:42:18,930 --> 00:42:21,650
S2: something this summer we could do to make it special?

832
00:42:21,850 --> 00:42:24,770
S2: And if you don't have kids, it's still the same of, hey,

833
00:42:24,770 --> 00:42:27,650
S2: we have the season of summer. Enjoy it. Go bake

834
00:42:27,690 --> 00:42:31,610
S2: cookies and get ice cream and go, you know, outside

835
00:42:31,610 --> 00:42:34,250
S2: and take walks and enjoy the sunset and find the

836
00:42:34,250 --> 00:42:37,450
S2: most beautiful place you can within a half an hour

837
00:42:37,450 --> 00:42:40,730
S2: of your house, and go visit it once a week

838
00:42:40,730 --> 00:42:43,570
S2: and write in your journal and read books and do

839
00:42:43,570 --> 00:42:47,290
S2: the things that make you feel replenished. And don't let that.

840
00:42:47,330 --> 00:42:50,290
S2: Don't let the screen stop you from doing that.

841
00:42:50,610 --> 00:42:53,250
S1: You can almost get angry when you when you realize

842
00:42:53,250 --> 00:42:55,810
S1: how much of this is sort of stacked against you,

843
00:42:55,810 --> 00:42:59,569
S1: against our kids. You know, the, the autoplay to keep to,

844
00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:02,270
S1: to keep them engaged just a little bit longer. you know?

845
00:43:02,310 --> 00:43:05,109
S1: Just one more click, one more look. And you when

846
00:43:05,110 --> 00:43:06,670
S1: you start to get angry, you want to kind of

847
00:43:06,710 --> 00:43:09,509
S1: fight back a little bit, right? And you are not

848
00:43:09,510 --> 00:43:10,190
S1: going to win.

849
00:43:10,230 --> 00:43:12,390
S2: You have the power over this. I know these two

850
00:43:12,390 --> 00:43:14,790
S2: college students, they're so cute. And the one will say

851
00:43:15,230 --> 00:43:17,750
S2: he makes all his friends sit on their phones while

852
00:43:17,750 --> 00:43:20,870
S2: they're like talking. Sit like everybody sit like on top

853
00:43:20,870 --> 00:43:23,270
S2: of your phone because I want to have an actual

854
00:43:23,270 --> 00:43:25,270
S2: conversation with you. Is that not so funny?

855
00:43:25,310 --> 00:43:28,669
S1: I love that, Arlene. I can't thank you enough for

856
00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:32,190
S1: spending this hour. We learned a ton. You have. Do

857
00:43:32,190 --> 00:43:34,750
S1: you have big plans for the summer screen? Free.

858
00:43:35,230 --> 00:43:37,629
S2: We will do the screen free. And you do have

859
00:43:37,630 --> 00:43:40,910
S2: to kind of plan the things, whether their time with friends.

860
00:43:40,950 --> 00:43:43,590
S2: You know, my high schooler just got out of school

861
00:43:43,590 --> 00:43:45,990
S2: and then my two bigger ones all have full time jobs.

862
00:43:45,989 --> 00:43:48,430
S2: So then it becomes even more special that you don't

863
00:43:48,430 --> 00:43:51,710
S2: see them that much. So yeah, let's go to, you know,

864
00:43:51,750 --> 00:43:54,629
S2: let's plan things whether it's, you know, there's something called

865
00:43:54,630 --> 00:43:58,110
S2: pageant of the Masters. It's they recreate art. So just

866
00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:00,270
S2: think of what are things you can do and put

867
00:44:00,270 --> 00:44:01,090
S2: them in your schedule.

868
00:44:01,130 --> 00:44:03,930
S1: Yep. Arlene Pelican has been with us this hour. The

869
00:44:03,969 --> 00:44:07,050
S1: featured resource. I want to point you to screen kids

870
00:44:07,050 --> 00:44:11,570
S1: five relational skills every child needs in a tech driven World.

871
00:44:11,890 --> 00:44:15,730
S1: You can find out more. Chris fabry.org. I hope I

872
00:44:15,730 --> 00:44:17,290
S1: got that right. Give me a thumbs up. Is it

873
00:44:17,290 --> 00:44:21,290
S1: Chris Fabry? Chris Fabry live.org. Thank you, Ryan, for that

874
00:44:21,290 --> 00:44:23,810
S1: quick correction. Can you tell I'm a newbie here? Chris

875
00:44:23,810 --> 00:44:27,570
S1: Fabry live.org. You can find more on today's show and

876
00:44:27,570 --> 00:44:30,250
S1: past shows as well. But I do want to give

877
00:44:30,250 --> 00:44:32,890
S1: you a little bit of an encouragement that this is, man,

878
00:44:32,930 --> 00:44:35,569
S1: this is a battle. I'm in this with you. I

879
00:44:35,570 --> 00:44:38,130
S1: look at my own screen time, some sometimes at the

880
00:44:38,130 --> 00:44:40,650
S1: end of the week and you get that summary. Maybe

881
00:44:40,650 --> 00:44:43,650
S1: you get that too. And it says you averaged this

882
00:44:43,650 --> 00:44:47,890
S1: amount of time on your phone last week. Sometimes I go,

883
00:44:47,890 --> 00:44:50,690
S1: oh boy, that was a lot of time that I

884
00:44:50,690 --> 00:44:53,370
S1: could have been doing on other things. And so I'm

885
00:44:53,370 --> 00:44:56,489
S1: in the fight with you. And so as anything, we

886
00:44:56,530 --> 00:45:00,299
S1: don't want to set out to try harder. You hear

887
00:45:00,300 --> 00:45:02,660
S1: something and go, I need to change this. I need

888
00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:06,140
S1: to fix this. Whether it's in yourself or in your family.

889
00:45:06,660 --> 00:45:09,300
S1: We need the help of the Holy Spirit, and that's

890
00:45:09,300 --> 00:45:11,340
S1: the only way that we are going to win any

891
00:45:11,340 --> 00:45:14,380
S1: of these battles, the battles that we fight out there

892
00:45:14,380 --> 00:45:16,540
S1: and the battles that we fight, even with our own

893
00:45:16,540 --> 00:45:21,460
S1: desires and temptations and these screens, we confess to the Lord.

894
00:45:21,620 --> 00:45:25,540
S1: We ask him for his help. We confess that John 15,

895
00:45:25,580 --> 00:45:27,739
S1: I say this all the time. Apart from you I

896
00:45:27,739 --> 00:45:31,140
S1: can do nothing. Nothing. There's nothing good we can do

897
00:45:31,180 --> 00:45:33,580
S1: apart from him. But we know the promise that when

898
00:45:33,580 --> 00:45:38,420
S1: we abide, when we live life like a branch connected

899
00:45:38,420 --> 00:45:42,340
S1: to the source, then we can find real power, walk

900
00:45:42,340 --> 00:45:45,140
S1: in real victory. And as parents, we can start to

901
00:45:45,180 --> 00:45:48,459
S1: model that for our kids, letting them know that they're

902
00:45:48,460 --> 00:45:52,540
S1: not in the fight alone. Yep, that video game is tempting.

903
00:45:52,739 --> 00:45:55,460
S1: That social media feed. Boy oh boy. It gets more

904
00:45:55,460 --> 00:45:57,379
S1: and more interesting every time you pick it up. But

905
00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:01,279
S1: there's life to be lived. Abundant life in Christ. I

906
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,160
S1: want to thank you for being with us here today

907
00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:06,920
S1: on Chris Fabry Live. Tomorrow we've got more for you.

908
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:09,680
S1: We're going to be talking to Doctor Jim Coakley. He's

909
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:13,120
S1: going to be joining us 14 fresh ways to help

910
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:17,200
S1: you enjoy the Bible. Whether you've been studying for decades

911
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:20,240
S1: or you're just getting started, if Bible reading has gotten

912
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:23,480
S1: a little dry, or maybe you've closed it up and said,

913
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,120
S1: I don't really understand what I'm reading, we're going to

914
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,600
S1: help you get back to it with some fresh strategies,

915
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:32,040
S1: a fresh approach, new ways to look at what you've

916
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,560
S1: been reading, maybe for a long time, but it's going

917
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:37,399
S1: to bring real life to your devotional time. That's going

918
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,440
S1: to be tomorrow here on Chris Fabry Live. I will

919
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:43,239
S1: be back with you. The team will be back. We

920
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:45,879
S1: will have more for you at the backyard fence. The

921
00:46:45,880 --> 00:46:49,600
S1: radio backyard fence right here. Chris Fabry Live is a

922
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:53,239
S1: production of Moody Radio, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute.

923
00:46:53,280 --> 00:46:54,440
S1: Thanks for being with us.