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Speaker 1: The following podcast has been rated TVMA, nsfw R, and

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Speaker 1: NC seventeen. So it is not safe for kids. Put

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Speaker 1: your children to bed. You spend enough time with them anyway.

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Speaker 2: Say friend, now, I don't mean to pry or even

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Speaker 2: assume anything, because Lord knows that'll make an ass out

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Speaker 2: of both of us, But I couldn't help notice. You're

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Speaker 2: out here doing what you can best you can, and

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Speaker 2: making your way in the apocalypse without a drink. I

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Speaker 2: hear you.

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Speaker 3: A drink's a high five, a pat on the back.

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Speaker 2: Taste good makes you feel good, But out here you

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Speaker 2: don't want to feel good. You need a real drink

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Speaker 2: that'll clean a wound, taste like chaos, and a burn

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Speaker 2: that'll teach you all you need to know about how

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Speaker 2: to survive well. This shocking beverage will snap you right

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Speaker 2: back into place, no matter how many zombies or clickie

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Speaker 2: mushroom people you had to face today here, or how

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Speaker 2: many you lost in the fires when the robots took over,

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Speaker 2: whatever your scenario, all you need is a shot of

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Speaker 2: Jepson's Malort with a taste like ground up mummies and

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Speaker 2: viper piss. This refreshing seventy per vintage will outlast us all, So.

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Speaker 3: Make friends with the only one that's gonna make it

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Speaker 3: out of here.

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Speaker 2: Live Jepson's Malort, the only drink that will still be here.

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Speaker 4: Proud sponsor, proud sponsor of Chad the Bird Cast, which

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Speaker 4: is what you're listening to you right now, your official

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Speaker 4: bird Cast of the Apocalypse.

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Speaker 3: Oh sorry, do you mean to shout?

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Speaker 4: Sorry?

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Speaker 3: I promise that you like me because you could go

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Speaker 3: down hill. I promise that, which you probably will. Can

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Speaker 3: I promise you quotes going on? Humans?

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Speaker 4: I'm speaking to you from outside in Chicago where it

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Speaker 4: is a balmy twenty eight degrees.

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Speaker 3: Kicking my wings out? Is that an expression?

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Speaker 4: I don't know, lock in my wings back? That sounds hot,

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Speaker 4: kicking my legs up because I do have those.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why. I was like, humans have legs?

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Speaker 3: What do I have? Also? Legs? Thank you signs? According

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Speaker 3: to you humans, we birds have a different word for it.

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Speaker 4: Given what we're going to discuss today, it's very ironic,

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Speaker 4: I believe, I think again, as you know, we don't

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Speaker 4: really know what irony is. A couple of things before

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Speaker 4: we get into the report for last week February third,

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Speaker 4: which is today, which is the day I'm recording this,

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Speaker 4: So like, if you're getting this in the afternoon, you

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Speaker 4: got nothing going on night seven o'clock.

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Speaker 3: At Zany's, you're gonna see me and.

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Speaker 4: Michael Serio, Son nol Agerwall, Sierra Canyon so far, so good,

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Speaker 4: and Jordan Freakin Wilson will all be on the bill,

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Speaker 4: but I'm the only one that has a bill metaphor achieved.

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Speaker 4: Boom Suck It Nerds Zany's seven pm tonight, February third.

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Speaker 4: Then we're gonna be back in the Pinball House of Fame.

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Speaker 3: It's no longer the House of Horrors.

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Speaker 4: We're now changing it again because we know you can't

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Speaker 4: have horrors all the time.

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Speaker 3: You gotta like have a moment to feel good about yourself.

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Speaker 4: So Pinball House of Fame on February fifth, live from

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Speaker 4: Logan Arcade. We're a slam of balls and shot and calls.

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Speaker 4: And then February nineteenth, cou Is back, get after.

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Speaker 3: It it is.

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Speaker 4: It's an exciting time to be in Chicago and also

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Speaker 4: hanging out with me. So yeah, February third tonight, San

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Speaker 4: E's February fifth live on YouTube Chad's Pinball House of Fame,

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Speaker 4: and then February nineteenth, Class live at the Lincoln Lodge

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Speaker 4: with a whole bunch of cool adjunct professors that we

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Speaker 4: will be revealing as we go. How do you know

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Speaker 4: what we're revealing? Well, you should be following all of

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Speaker 4: the things on Instagram. I'm Chadbird with a you Casey

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Speaker 4: Curious and Class with Sarah and Chad is the other

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Speaker 4: one for class you find us there also follow Sarah

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Speaker 4: Ben and Casa and Cody Benefield.

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Speaker 3: He'll freak out if you do it. And Lara Marsh

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Speaker 3: follow her.

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Speaker 4: Follow everyone and tell them hello and be annoying about it.

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Speaker 3: Don't be annoying. Be cool, man. We gotta be cool

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Speaker 3: right now because it's cold enough.

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Speaker 4: But yeah, it's actually kind of ballmy in Chicago in

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Speaker 4: February at twenty eight degrees after the icing we just got.

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Speaker 4: And that brings us to my report. Boom segued. My

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Speaker 4: report was about the exploding trees. It was a big

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Speaker 4: thing going around on the internet. And no hate to

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Speaker 4: Max Velocity, just a you know, casual little beacon from

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Speaker 4: me being like keep deep, little little pekin being like, hey, Max,

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Speaker 4: come on the show. I want to be on yours

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Speaker 4: as well. Congratulations on getting your meteorological degree. By the way,

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Speaker 4: I would like one myself.

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Speaker 3: I feel like I.

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Speaker 4: Innately understand the weather given the fact that I'm a bird,

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Speaker 4: and I can sort of feel like, you know, guys

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Speaker 4: attend my.

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Speaker 3: Yoga classes canna be really good.

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Speaker 4: Anyway, here's me talking about exploding trees, and that's totally

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Speaker 4: all I'm talking about.

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Speaker 3: It's not a metaphor at all.

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Speaker 4: Live in front of a bunch of drunks already in progress.

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Speaker 5: Humans, people's citizens of Chicago, specifically, because I'm looking right

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Speaker 5: at you. It is four degrees outside currently, give or

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Speaker 5: take math, which I'm not thought enough out to start doing.

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Speaker 5: Businesses are closed and have been since yesterday when the

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Speaker 5: high was five.

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Speaker 3: The high was five.

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Speaker 4: The high in the northernmost city of the US, oot

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Speaker 4: Kayakovic in Alaska is in the Arctic circle.

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Speaker 3: It was twenty five degrees yesterday. In Chicago, the high

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Speaker 3: was five, the high was five. The low negative.

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Speaker 4: Nine, not nine, not zero before zero negative nine. Like

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Speaker 4: you know how you have odd degree, not get rid

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Speaker 4: of it. Now keep going nine more times nine degrees

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Speaker 4: below the current understanding of zero degrees. It's not cold,

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Speaker 4: it's different. Now you're basically dead. You've crossed over into

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Speaker 4: another existence or lack thereof. Negative numbers come from a

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Speaker 4: void beyond our understanding of nothing. Don't do math. You

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Speaker 4: can't do math anymore. We couldn't do math even if

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Speaker 4: we tried. We're dead now.

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Speaker 3: There is no math, only the void.

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Speaker 4: The average temperature, I mean the temperature that it was

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Speaker 4: the most kind of because there's no math in the void,

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Speaker 4: was negative four.

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Speaker 3: At least it wasn't negative nine.

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Speaker 4: It was five degrees warmer than that low of nine,

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Speaker 4: So that is a plus, except that it isn't. There

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Speaker 4: is no plus side, or at least there wasn't until

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Speaker 4: today when it's positive four. But that was yesterday when

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Speaker 4: the high was five. And we're not even talking about

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Speaker 4: the wind chill, which also happens. That hit negative thirty

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Speaker 4: five yesterday at one point a point. Some of you

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Speaker 4: remember because you open the window to see just how

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Speaker 4: cold it really was, because when you live in the Midwest,

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Speaker 4: cold is a sliding scale and a dare, and you

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Speaker 4: immediately it rows your nips into cocktail ice and you

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Speaker 4: laugh to mad laugh because the idea of something that cold,

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Speaker 4: beyond your usual January was enough to drive you temporarily insane.

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Speaker 4: I can only relate so much because I do not

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Speaker 4: have nipples. But I am aware of that sudden zesty

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Speaker 4: minty York peppermint patty ghost sneeze that eats through the siding.

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Speaker 3: Because I didn't seal my windows this January.

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Speaker 4: Because I'm actively resisting living like I'm hiding out in

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Speaker 4: a safe house in Nebraska.

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Speaker 3: I'm too proud.

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Speaker 4: A wind chill is quote what the air temperature feels

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Speaker 4: like to the human skin due to the combination of

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Speaker 4: cold temperatures and winds blowing on exposed skin.

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Speaker 3: So take that cold that it was yesterday in Chicago

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Speaker 3: with a.

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Speaker 4: High colder than the Arctic circle, and then blow more.

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Speaker 3: Of it on you. That is wind chill.

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Speaker 4: And yesterday, at one point the wind chilled the skin

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Speaker 4: neighborhood of negative.

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Speaker 3: Thirty five degrees.

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Speaker 4: Today, the wind chill expected to get as low as

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Speaker 4: negative ten degrees and the high is only four So humans,

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Speaker 4: people conscious citizens of Chicago, I ask you, why are

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Speaker 4: you up? Portions of south central and southeast Texas will

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Speaker 4: and are currently experiencing quotes significant icing, which sounds delicious.

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Speaker 3: That is actually the exact.

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Speaker 4: Amount of icing I require on my cakes, and I

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Speaker 4: ask for it specifically. But this is sky icing, the

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Speaker 4: real deal, the kind you find in a boss fight

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Speaker 4: in a video game, accumulating quote between one tenth and

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Speaker 4: three tenths seven inch. And that's in South Texas. In

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Speaker 4: Illinois where we lay our scene currently, we are under

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Speaker 4: a cold weather alert with cold and all caps. In fact,

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Speaker 4: according to the National Weather Series, over one hundred and

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Speaker 4: forty four million people are under a winter storm warning

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Speaker 4: like as in threat of a winter storm, like as

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Speaker 4: in conditions are hyped for one, they're horny for one,

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Speaker 4: not just a casual concept of me inconvenience. Nay, that's

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Speaker 4: like a king's guard took to the mountain and saw

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Speaker 4: some shit. My lord, The storm is moving east with

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Speaker 4: snow to Witch to Talk, Kansas, Cincinnati, watching to you

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Speaker 4: see Philadelphia, freezing rain will likely be by sunrise.

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Speaker 3: In Houston, Memphis, Atlanta, and Raleigh. What if New Mexico

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Speaker 3: and the Carolinas?

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Speaker 4: Yay, my lord, the storm shall cover a massive part

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Speaker 4: of the country to stretching from New Mexico to the Carolinas.

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Speaker 3: But where will the people go? Turns out, no fucking where.

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Speaker 4: More than nine thousand flights have been canceled. Sunday was

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Speaker 4: predicted by meteorologists aviation trackers in that one which they

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Speaker 4: keep in the basement of the end of US to

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Speaker 4: be quote, one of the days with the most weather

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Speaker 4: related flight cancelations in US aviation history. And the trees

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Speaker 4: are exploding, according to a viral social media post, which

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Speaker 4: makes sense because fucking sick quote exploding trees are possible

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Speaker 4: in the Midwest and northern plains on Friday and Saturday

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Speaker 4: as temperatures are forecasted to fall twenty degrees below zero.

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Speaker 4: That was coming from Max Velocity, who is quote a

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Speaker 4: degreed meteorologist and a weather based content creator and cool.

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Speaker 3: I remember my first beer. But who am I to judge.

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Speaker 3: I'm not a scientist. I'm just fucking cold.

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Speaker 4: If a tree explodes in the forest and there's no

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Speaker 4: one around to hear it, is it not still clickbait?

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Speaker 3: Let's to sleep on it.

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Speaker 4: According to Bill McNee, who's a forest health specialist from Wisconsin,

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Speaker 4: trees do kind of explode kind of. It's all because

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Speaker 4: trees are filled with sap, and when it gets cold

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Speaker 4: enough to impress mister freeze, the sap can actually chill

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Speaker 4: to a frozen state, causing it to expand and pop

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Speaker 4: the sides of the tree, making a sound That quote

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Speaker 4: can sound like an explosion. Basically, when the weather starts

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Speaker 4: acting like an extra in day after tomorrow, the goo

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Speaker 4: in the tree can turn into a freezy pop and

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Speaker 4: it's just as sweet.

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Speaker 3: But it gets rigid when cold.

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Speaker 4: All of you know this experience because you went outside

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Speaker 4: to get here, and you know that moment when the

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Speaker 4: wind hits you after you've been inside all day, and

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Speaker 4: there's like a sec where you figure, oh shit, I

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Speaker 4: don't think I'm gonna survive this. So you get hard,

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Speaker 4: but not in a fun way like if you hold

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Speaker 4: still enough, Like if you hold still enough, the wind

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Speaker 4: is gonna miss you like it's a t rex, but

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Speaker 4: it isn't.

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Speaker 3: You're just cold now.

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Speaker 4: When that shit gets rigid, it stands arm to arm

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Speaker 4: like teenagers on a fucking bus when school lets out,

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Speaker 4: and you're like just fucking sit down, taking up more space,

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Speaker 4: expanding the liquid until whatever it's in cracks, which in

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Speaker 4: this case is the fucking trees.

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Speaker 3: So I ask you again, humans, why are you up?

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Speaker 4: The cold is enough to make Jake Jillenhall and Dennis

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Speaker 4: Quaid nervous.

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Speaker 3: The snow is coming to Texas.

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Speaker 4: The sky is shutting down, and the trees are exploding.

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Speaker 3: That is not a weather report, that's in the Bible.

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Speaker 3: That is not a forecast. That is a wizard's curse.

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Speaker 4: And you're out here, just fucking existing when you should

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Speaker 4: be huddling, cowering neath the unholy gaze of whatever love

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Speaker 4: crafty and ice.

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Speaker 3: God is having a diva.

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Speaker 4: Moment right now, the gales of winter roaring, its dominance

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Speaker 4: over all of us till the fucking forests burst, and

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Speaker 4: you're like, fuck it.

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Speaker 3: I got a new fleece from Target. Let's take it

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Speaker 3: for a spin.

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Speaker 4: Who the hell do you think you are? And I

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Speaker 4: hear you some of us got work. I know I

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Speaker 4: am currently at work, But is it worth it? Is

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Speaker 4: the money the reason? Or is it pride? As for

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Speaker 4: the rest of you, why are you up? Why are

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Speaker 4: you out? The entire hemisphere is having a snow day

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Speaker 4: right now? Did you learn nothing from grade school? Did

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Speaker 4: you not hug the TV back in the day, watching

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Speaker 4: cable news crawlers for school closings like you're waiting for

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Speaker 4: news from the front, Like your husband went off.

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Speaker 3: To war, leaving you at home to tend to the

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Speaker 3: family farm.

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Speaker 4: What word from Oscaloosa County Well School be canceled tomorrow?

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Speaker 4: Will we have freendom to watch cartains? There's perfectly reasonable

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Speaker 4: apartments at homes that you all have that we could

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Speaker 4: be at right now, bundled and onesies cranking the fattest

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Speaker 4: Dornk in preparation for a Lord of the Rings where

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Speaker 4: you watch extended addition with intermissions all available to stream,

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Speaker 4: making as much mac and cheese as you can, enough

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Speaker 4: to give yourself a SPA treatment in it, just to

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Speaker 4: full on mac and cheese facial and Lord of the Rings,

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Speaker 4: for it is the one noodle in trilogy that rules

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Speaker 4: them all.

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Speaker 3: That could be us, But we're not there. We are here,

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Speaker 3: So I ask you humans.

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Speaker 4: Are you here for the booze? Are you here for

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Speaker 4: the news? Are you not entertained? I am not asking

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Speaker 4: because I don't know. I am asking because I want

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Speaker 4: to make sure you know. I am asking because I

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Speaker 4: want you to that you are not gonna let this

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Speaker 4: shit stop you from getting out and getting after it.

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Speaker 3: Humans. The world is your marshmallow, and it's a marshmallow

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Speaker 3: world in the winter. Hear the sleigh belse jingle ing

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Speaker 3: Jing jing jingle ling. Fucking do. The weather outside is frightful.

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Speaker 3: We got nowhere to go. Let it snow, let it go,

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Speaker 3: Let it fucking go. The cold never bothered you anyway.

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Speaker 4: You're tough, You're strong enough to pop a tree yourself.

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Speaker 3: You don't need sub zero temperatures.

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Speaker 4: So humans remember that as it gets darker, as the

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Speaker 4: world gets colder, you are made of tough shit burning

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Speaker 4: at ninety eight fucking degrees. So fuck the snow, fuck

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Speaker 4: the bluster, fuck the wind, and above all, fuck ice.

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Speaker 3: I love you, goodnight.

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Speaker 6: Truth by Chad Bird The Realistic and you, guys, I

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Speaker 6: must tell you I get this show sixteen.

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Speaker 3: Years old yesterday.

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Speaker 4: When people did not know who were, what.

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Speaker 6: We were, or what this was about, because it was

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Speaker 6: insane hilarious every week.

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Speaker 4: Ah yeah, so totally about the weather at home. Got

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Speaker 4: a couple of real nice comments in my facebooks and Instagrams.

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Speaker 3: Mostly the Facebook.

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Speaker 4: Facebook is like going into like a VFW in the eighties.

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Speaker 4: There's just a bunch of angry, drunk on Hams dads,

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Speaker 4: And I'd tend to avoid those places because there's a

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Speaker 4: lot of fry kitchens in them, and I'm i don't know.

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Speaker 4: I got generational trauma, but yeah.

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Speaker 6: Uh.

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Speaker 4: Some of my favorite comments, my favorite one, top tippity

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Speaker 4: top is this one guy that was like, it's not

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Speaker 4: the SAP, it's.

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Speaker 3: The water, and I'm like, hmm, that's in the SAP.

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Speaker 3: SAP is mostly water. Yes, we know. I only have ten.

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Speaker 4: Minutes, guys, and if you have any other notes for me,

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Speaker 4: please jump on my Discord. And if you're giving me notes,

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Speaker 4: make sure you subscribed and you're following me, because that's

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Speaker 4: just rude. That's like wandering in to somebody's fucking movie

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Speaker 4: and just being like dom nobody invited you. Special thanks

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Speaker 4: to the Barracoutas for their kick ass on promises that plays.

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Speaker 3: Us on the back end.

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Speaker 4: Thank you to Jepson's Millart which makes the pain go

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Speaker 4: away and then come back stronger.

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Speaker 3: Thank you to Hunter Funk for recording me. Thank you

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Speaker 3: to you for listening. Thank you to Q one on

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Speaker 3: one what's that bites?

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Speaker 4: Thank you to Cody Benefil, Laramarsh, Sarah Bencaza just cuz.

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Speaker 3: Hey, what's up, Bud? And thank you to the Discord

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Speaker 3: for being there with me through robo riot, which was

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Speaker 3: in fact a riot.

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Speaker 4: Go find that on my YouTube, Man Robot fights Sumo Rules.

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Speaker 4: It was dunculous and I am bringing back Ridunculus. I

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Speaker 4: feel like we've lost sight of our priorities. Yeah, February

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Speaker 4: third tonight, Zany's. I don't know what I'm talking about.

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Speaker 4: February fifth, Pinball House of Fame. February nineteenth, Class at

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Speaker 4: the Lincoln Lodge. Get your ticks. All the links are

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Speaker 4: down below. You know what you're doing.

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Speaker 3: We'll talk later.

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Speaker 4: I'm just gonna sip of this, some more of this

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Speaker 4: sungria while I enjoy the twenty eight.

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Speaker 3: Degree heat wave.

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Speaker 4: We're experiencing a snow drips like when the ugh when

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Speaker 4: the snow gets slushy and falls.

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Speaker 3: Off the roof.

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Speaker 4: Oh, it's like a roof booger. Roof booger. Is that

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Speaker 4: a good name for a punk band?

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Speaker 3: Nailed it.