1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:02,840 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 2 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:08,080 Speaker 1: AM six point forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Well, 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,960 Speaker 1: my next guest has data. You know, I love data. 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: And if you think that finding a mate I say 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: this all the time, but now we have data to 6 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 1: prove it. If finding a mate is about, you know, 7 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,439 Speaker 1: having common interests. I laugh when I hear people on 8 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,560 Speaker 1: first date saying, so, what movies do you like? What 9 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: music do you like? How do you like to declarate? Like? 10 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: They have this idea if they can find some kind 11 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: of clone of themselves, then therefore they will be a 12 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 1: good mate. Now, anybody who's gone through a divorce based 13 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: on a marriage that was like that? Nos, that's not true. Okay, 14 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:46,599 Speaker 1: there's actually real research and real data to show that 15 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: there are some very specific personality traits that can predict 16 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: if you're going to have a healthy and happy relationship. 17 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:01,880 Speaker 1: My guest is the CEO of Hogan Assessments, Alison Howell. Hi, Allison, 18 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 1: how are you? 19 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,119 Speaker 2: Hi? I'm great, Thanks for having me on today. 20 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,680 Speaker 1: Now, for listeners who don't know what Hogan Assessments is, 21 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: can you tell me a little bit about what exactly 22 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,959 Speaker 1: you do and where do you get this data from? 23 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely. 24 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 3: Hogan Assessments is a provider of personality assessments. So you 25 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 3: may be familiar with like the Myers Briggs or MBTI 26 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,000 Speaker 3: or enne agram and those types of personality assessments very popular. 27 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,839 Speaker 3: Ours is sort of in the same space, but much 28 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 3: more nuanced and more scientific. We end up using it 29 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 3: a lot of times in the workplace with executive and leadership, 30 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 3: selection and development. 31 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 2: And things like that. 32 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,679 Speaker 3: So we get data directly from individuals that are are 33 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 3: answering questions about their personalities. We have a massive, massive 34 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,279 Speaker 3: database of personality data from all over the world. 35 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: So Fortune five hundred, Fortune five hundred companies hire Hogan 36 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 1: Assessments to say a should we hire this person or 37 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: should we promote this person? 38 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 2: Is that correct? Yep, yep, absolutely, yeah, we do. 39 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 3: We do a lot of work in the selection space, 40 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 3: which is basically you know, hiring, recruitment, et cetera. Also 41 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 3: used quite a bit in development and saying Okay, you 42 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 3: are at this level, how do you leverage your personality 43 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 3: and develop some strategic self awareness to move to the 44 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 3: next level. 45 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 1: Okay, so you looked at your database of a lot 46 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: of data, you found certain personality traits, how did you 47 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: correlate them with you know, healthy romantic relationships? 48 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 2: Well, you know, I think a relationship is a relationship. 49 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 3: Certainly there are differences with the types of relationships you 50 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 3: have in the workplace, but to have long standing personal 51 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 3: relationships you do you really need to look at how 52 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 3: those personality traits align. One of the things that I 53 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 3: learned early on that was really kind of counter to 54 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 3: what I had thought before I entered this world was, 55 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 3: you know, you hear the adage of opposite the tract 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 3: and I happen to have a conversation with our founder 57 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,040 Speaker 3: about whether that was true or not. 58 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,400 Speaker 2: And it's really not. It's a lot more nuanced than 59 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 2: we tend to think it is. 60 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 3: Right, So, there are certain things like openness to experience 61 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 3: that if you have one person who's highly open to 62 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 3: experience as somebody who's not at all, that is probably 63 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 3: something that's going to never really improve. 64 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: And rightly, somebody wants to go bungee jumping on a 65 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 1: Saturday and the other one says, no, I want to 66 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 1: stay home and knit. We are not bungee jumping, right. 67 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 3: So exactly, exactly, Yeah, it's harder to find common ground 68 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,239 Speaker 3: when you have some of those fundamental differences. 69 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: So this new research you've come out with that uses 70 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:42,680 Speaker 1: data to predict romantic compatibility based on personality type says 71 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: that there is this one predictor and you call it adjustment. 72 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 1: What does adjustment look like and what would be considered 73 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: low adjustment, what would be considered high on the scale 74 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: of adjustment. 75 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, great question, So we call it adjustment. 76 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 3: In the more commonly known five factor model of personality, 77 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 3: it would be called neuroticism, which is not a great term, 78 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 3: but so adjustment sounds a little bit better. But it's 79 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 3: essentially how you respond to stress, if you will. So 80 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 3: people who are very highly adjusted are going to be 81 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,479 Speaker 3: calm under pressure and more emotionally stable. They may not 82 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 3: seem to have a sense of urgency when the situation 83 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:36,160 Speaker 3: warrants it. People who are lower on the adjustment scale 84 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 3: tend to be a little bit more kind of naturally 85 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 3: stressed and anxious and open to feedback, open to kind 86 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 3: of scanning their surroundings and understanding where they can maybe 87 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,599 Speaker 3: corrupt their behaviors. 88 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:51,160 Speaker 2: But they're going to be a little bit more quick to. 89 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 3: Maybe fly off the handle or kind of lose that 90 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:58,720 Speaker 3: sense of calm when one situations are stressful. So one 91 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 3: way to think of it is that it's almost like 92 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 3: a like a nozzle and if you are you know, 93 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 3: open it up, the emotions can kind of be a 94 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,240 Speaker 3: bit of a flood gates. If it's closed, which is 95 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 3: where the higher on the adjustment scale emotions are, it 96 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 3: will like trickle out a little. 97 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 2: Bit more and can be managed differently. 98 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like you're talking about some people who 99 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: get easily emotionally flooded. 100 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 2: We call this kind of triggered. 101 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: And uh so they're very reactive and impulsive, and other 102 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 1: people have this interesting ability to stay calm under pressure 103 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: and analyze what's going on. You know, there's an example 104 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 1: I use in my teaching. I'm a psychology professor, and 105 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: I use the example. I play the nine to one 106 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: one record or not the control tower recording of Captain 107 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 1: Sully in that plane crash. Will he landed in the 108 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 1: Hudson River right, and he is so calm as he's saying, 109 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: you know, a bird attack, noe, we're not going to 110 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 1: make it into Newark. Note we're not going to note, 111 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 1: We're going in the Hudson. They're like excuse me, Like 112 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: the air traffic controller. People were freaking out and he's like, yeah, 113 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: we're going in the hoods and he's so calm. And 114 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: I asked my psychology students, like, what is it that 115 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 1: he was able to be so calm and free thinking 116 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: with you know, hundreds of people lives in his hand. 117 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 1: Do you think it's more genetic or learned? 118 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 2: I think it's honestly more genetic. 119 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,800 Speaker 3: There is a part of this though, that is learned behavior, right, 120 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 3: And I think the interesting research in like neuroplasticity and 121 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 3: like the effects of meditation and things like that was 122 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,680 Speaker 3: developing the muscle for emotional stability that. 123 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,840 Speaker 2: Can move the needle some. But everyone is born with 124 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 2: sort of a baseline level of adjustment during raticism. 125 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, we've had a geneticist on our show who actually 126 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: says she can look at genes for compatibility and talked 127 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,280 Speaker 1: about this one particular gene that if you've got it, 128 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: which is you know, they're exciting drama queens and they're 129 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: so much fun and they are very responsive, you better 130 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,160 Speaker 1: have a partner with the other gene that's very calm, 131 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: because if you get two of those people together, you 132 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: get a lot of conflict and you get a lot 133 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,880 Speaker 1: of breakups, So I understand. 134 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 2: But on the other hand, it's true. 135 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, the other hand, I also teach developmental psychology, and 136 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,679 Speaker 1: you know, so much of what we teach our small 137 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: children in ways to manage their feelings, because you know, 138 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: three year olds have wild tantrums and an ability to process. 139 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 1: Will name your feeling. Think of all the solutions for 140 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: how you're feeling right now. This can modulate the genetic predisposition. Okay, 141 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: when we come back, my guest is Alison Howell, the 142 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 1: CEO of Hogan Assessments. I want to talk more specifically 143 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: about some other personality traits which can predict romantic compatibility. 144 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM 145 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, 146 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: let's go to the twenty four hour KFI newsroom. Welcome 147 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendywall Show. 148 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 1: I AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 149 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:08,040 Speaker 1: My guest is Alison Howell, CEO of Hogan Assessments. This 150 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: is a company that Fortune five hundred companies hire to 151 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,480 Speaker 1: do personality tests. To decide who to hire, who to promote, 152 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: who could be the CEO themselves. Alison, did you undergo 153 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,320 Speaker 1: all these tests yourself before you were made CEO of 154 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: the company? 155 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 2: Yes, I have been assessed to the teeth. Yep, yep. 156 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 2: I learned quite a bit. 157 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 3: It was really eye opening the first time I did this, 158 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 3: This was before I started working for the company, and 159 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 3: it really set me on a completely different career path 160 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 3: once I was able to learn more my natural orientation 161 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 3: of things. 162 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 1: Well, it's interesting because you're a woman. We do know 163 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:50,840 Speaker 1: there are well documented sex brain differences. I have always 164 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 1: been of the opinion that women should not date male CEOs. 165 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: That what it takes and the amount of testosterone and 166 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: the lack of compassion that it takes to be CEO 167 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: if you're in a male body probably is not conducive 168 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: to a happy romantic relationship. Am I completely wrong? 169 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:18,000 Speaker 3: Well, so my response to that is it's probably not wrong. 170 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 4: At a personality level, though, is what is really interesting though, 171 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 4: And we've done a lot of studies of executives and CEOs, 172 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 4: and at a personality level, there really aren't differences between 173 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:29,439 Speaker 4: men and women. 174 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 3: Now there are different demands placed on those people and 175 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,839 Speaker 3: the behaviors that they develop along way differ for sure, 176 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:40,559 Speaker 3: But I can tell you as CEO these stress is 177 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,000 Speaker 3: not insignificant. 178 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,719 Speaker 2: So it is important in. 179 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,080 Speaker 3: Your personal life to have somebody who is compatible and 180 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 3: able to deal with the stress that it brings. 181 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 1: And you know, not talking about you in particular, but 182 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: CEOs have to have a kind of coldness. They have 183 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: to make these big corporate decisions about we are closing 184 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 1: that plant, we're losing my I mean, I'm looking at 185 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: all the Starbucks closing right and all the people losing 186 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 1: their jobs and the Amazon people being laid off. You 187 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 1: have to be able to go, Nope, goodbye four thousand employees, 188 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: and you can't think about you can't have a ton 189 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: of compassion and empathy for their situation. All right, let 190 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,840 Speaker 1: me ask you this. In your research on personality traits 191 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 1: as they apply to romantic relationships, how do self compassion 192 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: and self regulation show up as protective factors in these 193 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 1: long term relationships? 194 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 2: Well? I think so it starts with self awareness. 195 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:42,560 Speaker 3: I think that's that's always where we start, because you 196 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 3: can't really be compassionate with yourself if you don't have 197 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 3: that deep understanding of yourself how you react under stress, 198 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,360 Speaker 3: what drives you, what motivates. 199 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 2: You, so on you. 200 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 3: Once you have that baseline, it kind of almost unlock 201 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,679 Speaker 3: something in your brain where you can say, Okay, I 202 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 3: have this tendency and it's part of who I am, 203 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 3: and I have to work with it. 204 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:09,319 Speaker 5: I can't fight it, right, And so I think once 205 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,079 Speaker 5: you accept that about yourself, then you find much better 206 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,199 Speaker 5: coping mechanisms that are much more productive for the relationships 207 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 5: that you can have. 208 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: It's interesting because self awareness, I completely believe can be 209 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: learned through professional therapy, through good early parenting, where people 210 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: can just be given an emotional language for what their 211 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: body is experiencing. And I was having this conversation with 212 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 1: a friend recently because she was asking me about my 213 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 1: relationship I newly got married a year and a half ago, 214 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 1: and how great my partnership is, and what was the 215 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: secret sauce, And I said, you know, at the very 216 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 1: beginning when we had our first two bits of conflict, 217 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: rather than me saying you did this, or you need it, 218 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: or you are trying to convince him of my thing, 219 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 1: I just identified my feeling. So first time I literally said, 220 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 1: oh gosh, I have a running feeling right now in 221 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,680 Speaker 1: my stomach, like I just want to run out the door. 222 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 1: And he moved towards me, put his hand on my 223 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: shoulder and go, oh, no, it's not that bad. Don't 224 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: do that, and so and there are sometimes I will 225 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,200 Speaker 1: say to him, I'm so frustrated right now, I'm so 226 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 1: afraid I'm going to say something I'll regret. This is 227 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 1: not the content of the argument. This is me and 228 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 1: my self awareness. And then he could see what I 229 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,560 Speaker 1: was experiencing. And if you have that self awareness and 230 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: can express it, I think you can have a healthy 231 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 1: relationship with anybody because they can see you. 232 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,760 Speaker 2: I absolutely agree with you. I absolutely agree with you. 233 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, in my marriage, I'm I'm well. Actually, both me 234 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 3: and my husband are fairly low adjusted. We've both assessed 235 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 3: and so I know his results as well. But he's 236 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 3: lower adjusted than I am, and so he's much more 237 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 3: reactive and easily stressed. 238 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 2: But that gives us, that's exactly, It gives you language 239 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 2: to talk about it. 240 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 3: So I know that most times I can maintain my 241 00:12:58,760 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 3: emotional stability. 242 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,240 Speaker 2: I can also help him. 243 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,839 Speaker 3: Through it when necessary if he's a stress because my 244 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 3: kids are leaving their stuff all over the house, which 245 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,559 Speaker 3: happens daily. I can say, okay, okay, maybe you take 246 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:14,559 Speaker 3: a step back and take a deep breath and just 247 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,599 Speaker 3: having that data. And it sounds silly to bring a 248 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 3: data to a relationship or a personal relationship, but once 249 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 3: you kind of know those things, you really are able 250 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,480 Speaker 3: to understand, like where the triggers are, where the stress 251 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 3: points are, and either talk them through, communicate, or find 252 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,160 Speaker 3: ways to navigate around them. 253 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: Allison, you know what the best thing about an empty 254 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: nest is a clean house. It's amazing. 255 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 2: You've fluffed the. 256 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 1: Pillows, fluff the pillows perfectly, like it looks like a 257 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: magazine shoot. And you come back and they're still there. 258 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 1: Not things been messed the dream, all right, So we 259 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 1: mentioned self compassion. You talked about self awareness is the 260 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,080 Speaker 1: first thing, and then the next thing is being able 261 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: to kind of forgive yourself and understand like this, like, 262 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,680 Speaker 1: for instance, my big flaw. You could call it a 263 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:07,600 Speaker 1: flaw or a superpower, depending on how you look at it. 264 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 5: Is. 265 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: I am an external processor. I'm a big mouth. I 266 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: hear thoughts sometimes for the first time outside my lips. 267 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 1: So great as a professor, great as a radio host, 268 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:26,360 Speaker 1: not so good. Sometimes in interpersonal relationships. So I do 269 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 1: have to realize that I've got this flaw and sometimes 270 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: I'll say things so that might hurt somebody, and I'm 271 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 1: really good then having empathy and apologizing I didn't mean 272 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 1: to say it like that. 273 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, But that's self awareness. 274 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 3: That's really knowing where those tendencies and b and the 275 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:45,920 Speaker 3: traps that you can get into. 276 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 2: And you know, I think the key here is that. 277 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 3: When you're looking for for a romantic partner, not everybody 278 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 3: is going to be able to make it work right. 279 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,600 Speaker 3: Like I don't know that I believe in the idea 280 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:04,320 Speaker 3: of soulmate or somewhere, but certainly there are things that 281 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 3: just can't be overcome. So if you are able to 282 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 3: find somebody you're honest about that about yourself, they can 283 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 3: understand it better and evaluate is this the right match? 284 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 2: Then is this something that I can live with? 285 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,960 Speaker 3: Because we all have our stuff, right, none of us 286 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 3: are perfect, and so you just have to find the 287 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 3: person who's able to deal with your stuff and you're 288 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 3: able to deal with their stuff in the right way 289 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:24,840 Speaker 3: and have that be productive. 290 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: I always say, you just want to find somebody who 291 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 1: likes your crazy and you like they're crazy, and then 292 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: you're fine. 293 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 2: Exactly Typsy. 294 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: Before we go, what do you think is the biggest 295 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: lesson from your data? For people who want to find 296 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: a mate, who are out there on the dating apps 297 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: trying to find a mate, what is your data say 298 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:49,920 Speaker 1: they should be looking for? 299 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 3: You know, it's hard to say what they should be 300 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 3: looking for. I think the lesson for me is don't 301 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,800 Speaker 3: force fit it right. You know, some relationships are work, 302 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 3: that's absolutely true. 303 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: But when you're in early. 304 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 3: Stages of a relationship, there's all sorts of questions that 305 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 3: have bound and if there are doubts, look at those doubts, 306 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 3: question them, to question them from a personality standpoint and say, Okay, 307 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,840 Speaker 3: is this something that I can live with? Is this 308 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,480 Speaker 3: something that I can change? If not, you know, that's 309 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 3: something to consider. And the same goes with the partner 310 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 3: that you're with. Is this something that they're going to 311 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 3: change about themselves? Can you have the same fight over 312 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,040 Speaker 3: and over for the rest of your life if you're thinking, 313 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 3: you know, a marriage and if not, make sure you're 314 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 3: listening to that and don't try to force something that's 315 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 3: just always going to be a struggle. You know. 316 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 1: I like to say that nobody has a right to 317 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,680 Speaker 1: say the words I love you until you've had one fight, 318 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 1: so that you can see what happens under stress and 319 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 1: how they react. Because anybody can love anybody when everybody's 320 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: got money and good health and good luck, good looks 321 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,480 Speaker 1: and things. You know, there's never been any conflict, right, 322 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,320 Speaker 1: so you got to try out conflict absolutely exactly. 323 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, I trust test that relationship. 324 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,400 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being with us. My guest, the 325 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: CEO of Hogan Assessment, Allison Howell. It's been a treat 326 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,800 Speaker 1: to chat with you, Allison. 327 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:20,000 Speaker 2: Thanks for having me. 328 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,119 Speaker 1: That brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show to a close. 329 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 1: I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven to 330 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 1: nine pm. Remember if you miss any part of the show, 331 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: it's always put up right there on the iHeartRadio app. 332 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,679 Speaker 1: You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on 333 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty. Right now, let's go to the 334 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: twenty four hour KFI News Group.