WEBVTT - 10-4-25 Donna D. on Saturday Night 0:00:02.800 --> 0:00:06.800 All right, it's Saturday night, nine oh seven. It's don 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:10.520 A d with my buddy doctor west crafton. Thanks for 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:14.360 making the trip from Nashville. Or are you in Kentucky already? 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:14.640 Yeah? 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:16.599 I was in Kentucky. Yeah, at my parents house. 0:00:16.680 --> 0:00:19.400 Yeah, Doctor Wes. You've heard them on with Sterling and I. 0:00:19.560 --> 0:00:22.200 So we're gonna so tonight. I used to do Saturdays. 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:24.640 It's been a minute, and we're going to do something 0:00:24.640 --> 0:00:26.479 a little bit different, which is why I asked you 0:00:26.520 --> 0:00:28.600 to come on the show with me. It's going to 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:33.120 be more of a relationship call in show, relationship driven 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:35.480 because I love talking about it and I really feel 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.560 like at this point in time in this life, people 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:45.280 are disconnected and through through social media, through politics, through 0:00:45.840 --> 0:00:48.040 you know, being on their phones all the time and 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:51.519 video games, and they're not out you know, mingling and 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:54.400 understanding how important it is to have connection with others. 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.320 So that's why I wanted to have you here. 0:00:57.360 --> 0:00:59.880 And we're going to get right into it because you know, 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:07.279 there's no greater pain or suffering than when you are. 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:08.240 Going through a breakup. 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:09.880 Sure, yeah, right. 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:14.120 Like anybody past the age of sixteen knows what that's like. 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:14.440 Yep. 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:17.199 And if you've ever gone through a divorce after being 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:20.320 with someone, let's say nineteen years, and you have kids, 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:25.400 then it becomes excruciating sometimes and you're not giving a choice, 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:27.560 like for instance, and we know who's in the news 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:30.800 Nicole Kidman and her husband Keith Urban. 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:34.520 It's so public too to have. 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:39.320 To have your business being thrown out there, and with 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:45.600 two teenage daughters, the heartache of being with somebody for 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:48.280 so long and then thinking you are living your life 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:51.000 without this person anymore. And this couple really seemed like 0:01:51.040 --> 0:01:52.920 they were in love for a long time. Sure, I 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:55.800 mean nineteen years together is a long time. But you 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.840 the question that I have for you because you counsel 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:01.440 couples all the time, and you've been doing this for 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:02.120 how long. 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:04.480 I've been doing it for a little over a decade. Yeah, 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:05.000 And so. 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:10.040 Is there are there signs that you can tell whether 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:12.639 a couple is going to make it or break it? 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.080 Like how do you know? Is it a quick sign? 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:17.000 Is it immediate? 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:19.320 Can you tell right off the bat or can you 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:22.520 tell through weeks and months of therapy and whether someone's 0:02:22.560 --> 0:02:23.320 going to try or not. 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.720 It's usually through weeks. Something Over the weeks you'll you'll 0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:30.800 kind of see the pattern that develops. But the signs 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:39.720 that I'm looking for would be criticism. The criticism and contempt, contemptuousness. 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:42.359 Those are going to be the signs that I'm looking for. 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:44.720 So do they believe the best in each other? Do 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:47.080 they give each other the benefit of the doubt? Or 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:49.119 are they highly critical of each other? 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:49.560 Okay? 0:02:49.560 --> 0:02:52.840 Can you tell that right away? When somebody walks into 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:56.720 your office and says, okay, here's Tom and Lucy yep, 0:02:57.000 --> 0:03:01.639 and they start talking, can you tell immediately gestures, actions, thought, 0:03:01.760 --> 0:03:02.760 you know that kind of stuff. 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:05.880 Yeah, you can tell by body language, how far are 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:10.240 they just the where they're on the couch, so I 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:14.200 always notice, okay, they're seated very closely together or they're not. 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:18.359 I can also tell by, you know, just by the 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:22.360 looks on their faces. I can tell by obviously what 0:03:22.400 --> 0:03:25.919 they say. Do they cut each other off? Or are 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:28.440 they looking at each other in the eye. There's a 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:29.440 lot of those types of. 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:33.120 Okay, So if I roll is a big deal, that's contempt. 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:33.480 That is. 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:33.800 Yeah. 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:37.040 And so if if you and I are married and 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:42.000 we're in your office, a therapist's office, and you start 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:44.119 talking and I don't like what you have to say 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:46.600 because you've heard it a million times before, and I 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:50.160 start rolling my eyes. Does that mean that this couple's 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:52.520 probably not going What is the percentage of that couple 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:53.240 not making it? 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:57.000 That's probably a pretty high percentage of that couple not 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:57.520 making it. 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:01.320 Yeah, okay, what are the signs of a couple that 0:04:01.720 --> 0:04:04.280 will maybe make it? 0:04:03.960 --> 0:04:04.000 What? 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:05.640 What are those? 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:09.920 So those are going to be really I think it's 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:13.080 going to be more about couples who do believe the 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:15.040 best in each other. They do give each other the 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:18.880 benefit of the doubt, and they're really curious about each 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:23.400 other's world worldview. We call them love maps. They know 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:26.960 each other's love maps really well. They know what makes 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:30.159 their partner tick, They know what makes their partner happy. 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:32.919 They go out of their way to do things right 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:36.080 to make them happy, to feel loved, to feel accepted, 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:41.120 to feel seen right. So it's really about empathy, having 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:44.119 a lot of empathy for your partner, and when those 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:46.840 when all of that is absent, when that goes away 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:50.520 and it moves towards contemptuousness and criticism and defensiveness, that's 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:51.120 when we know. 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:52.599 What comensiveness seems like. 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:56.520 Oh man, how can I how can I even get 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:58.960 through to this person? Why are they? Why am I 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:01.719 all of a sud that's an enemy number one? I 0:05:01.720 --> 0:05:05.120 mean I I just recently went through a break up myself, 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.159 and it doesn't get easier as you get older. By 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:12.800 the way, that's a news flash here. It's not it's 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:16.560 not something that that is going to stop me from 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:19.480 falling in love again either, because I mean, I'm a lover, 0:05:19.640 --> 0:05:23.240 not a fighter. And you want to pick, you want 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.479 to pick people that you think are going to make it, 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:28.039 but that doesn't always work, and sometimes you have to 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:32.360 let somebody go. If you have these signs, and I 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:34.760 can tell you we saw I saw most of them. Yeah, 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:37.200 you're talking about contempt defensiveness. 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:38.120 What's another one? 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:40.400 Criticism? Criticism stone walling? 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:42.840 Stonewall? Okay, what is stonewalling? 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:46.360 Stone walling is when literally it's it's like you are 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:48.920 talking to this person and they're they're either looking away 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:51.320 from you, they're not responding to you, they are changing 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:54.960 the subject on you, they're invalidating you in some way. Okay, 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.040 it's almost as if you didn't say anything at all. 0:05:57.200 --> 0:06:00.040 Oh gosh, So if I'm walk into a room and 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:02.880 he never did this, Thank God, because that's awful because 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:05.359 if you're walking into a room and you're trying to 0:06:05.400 --> 0:06:07.360 talk and they're on their phone and they don't even 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:10.880 look up, that's stonewalling. Five one, three, seven, four, nine, 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:13.719 seven thousand. We really want this to be interactive. The 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:19.039 question is have you ever come close to separating or 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:21.440 divorcing and decided to stick with it? 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:22.120 Right? 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:24.560 So it's the opposite of what's going on with Nicole 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:26.400 Kidman and Keith Urban. 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:28.760 Keith Urban, it looks like he's completely done. 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:32.320 He's already gotten a house, they've they've signed, they've filed, 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:35.120 she's filed for divorce and things like that. 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.600 How does that happen? I mean, it doesn't look like. 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:42.719 There would be any kind of counseling, or maybe they 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:45.640 have because it's so public now and they knew the 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:49.239 moment it was going public that people are going to dissect. 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:50.919 They're going to go and look at old videos and 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:53.680 old interviews, and that's what's happening. Everyone's trying to figure out. 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:56.839 Is he, you know, having an affair with his guitarist. 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:59.280 That's what a lot of people are talking about. So 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:05.200 is there a time that you and your partner thought yeah, 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:08.680 it's time for us to break up, but let's just 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:10.840 give it one more try and then it worked out 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:13.960 five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:16.880 hundred the big one. Donnade here on a Saturday night 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:22.560 with doctor Wes, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist lmft as Cerling 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:26.440 likes to call you so. In other words, if if 0:07:26.480 --> 0:07:30.000 you're seeing these couples in the office and you can 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:32.320 tell that, wow, this is either going to be a 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:39.240 really high climb for these couples, do you tell them that. 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.640 Listen, you guys have some work to do. How honest 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:42.920 are you? 0:07:43.160 --> 0:07:45.560 I'm very honest. I'll say the relationship that you all 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:50.800 have is dead. Wow, it's dead. There's no I mean, 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:53.400 so much has happened. Yeah, there's no coming back from it. 0:07:54.040 --> 0:07:57.200 The question now is do we work to create a 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:02.680 new relationship or do I help you all to in this? Well, so. 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:08.880 Who responds to that more the wife or the husband 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:11.080 or the you know which partner is is the one 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.680 that says, all right, I agree with doctor Wes, this 0:08:14.760 --> 0:08:16.920 is not this is not working. 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:19.600 Yeah, there's usually a leaning out partner. There's usually one 0:08:19.640 --> 0:08:23.360 partner who is there just to check the box. They're 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:26.640 there just to say at least we tried therapy, and 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:30.720 so they're the ones that usually feel validated by that. Actually, 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:33.360 I find a lot of my couples feel validated when 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:36.400 I say that, because if they've already been feeling it anyway, 0:08:36.679 --> 0:08:39.920 that this relationship is over, but maybe they've been scared 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:42.520 to say that just outright say it, so when I 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:45.240 say it, but then I give them the hope that 0:08:45.720 --> 0:08:49.800 we know from science how to create. We know the 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.680 science of love, so we know the way to help 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:55.560 guide you towards a new relationship if they want it. 0:08:55.960 --> 0:08:58.200 Yeah, it's a lot of work, it can be, but 0:08:58.280 --> 0:09:00.360 it can be rewarding. Let's go to the phone with Steve. 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.440 I'm gonna pick this up. Oh Steve, I'm so sorry. 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:06.640 I wasn't fast enough. Oh no, here you are. I'm sorry, Steve. 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:07.240 Are you there? 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:08.520 Hi? 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:10.320 Seeve from Middletown. Are you there? 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:12.760 Yeah? Yeah, you're right. 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:16.440 Donna Dye and doctor Wes So, have you come close 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:20.400 to separating or divorcing your partner and decided to stick 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:20.800 with it? 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:22.839 No? 0:09:22.920 --> 0:09:25.680 But I listened to this scenario and I'm like, man, 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:29.080 are people really that crazy? If somebody is that bad 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:29.520 for you. 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:32.800 You don't know that, like six months before, a year before. 0:09:32.960 --> 0:09:34.800 Are you in a relationship right now? 0:09:34.840 --> 0:09:38.440 Steve thirty years the same moment. 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:40.840 Okay, that is unbelievable. 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:42.280 I never had that thought. 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:46.160 Never had that thought. No, anybody that ever has that thought, like, hey, 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:49.160 something might be wrong, you're going the wrong direction. 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:52.560 Well, I agree with you, but like there are there 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:55.160 are times like we're going to get more into this too. 0:09:55.240 --> 0:10:00.280 But if there is a person that's lonely and they 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:03.600 want companionship, but they see red flags and they're not 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:08.439 quite sure this person is going to be the perfect 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:11.160 person for me, but they're good for now, lea. 0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:13.920 Leave, leave, just get away. 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:16.320 If it's not perfect, why would you just stick around? 0:10:16.880 --> 0:10:19.559 It's with anything in life. If it's not perfect, why 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:21.839 wouldn't you Why would you stick around the situation you 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:26.280 were questionable about in anything, whether you're gambling, drinking, whatever 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:28.360 you're doing in life, of it feels like, hey, it 0:10:28.400 --> 0:10:30.079 might not be right, just walk away. 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:32.520 Early, listen. I mean you must be. 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:37.280 He's the bravest person planet see because no. 0:10:37.200 --> 0:10:37.760 I'm honest. 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:40.120 I'm honest, and I know most people aren't honest, but 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:43.440 I am. If it's not right, just walk away. Hey, 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:46.960 you know, you know, you know, you might pretend and 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.680 make up scenarios in your mind like oh maybe it 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.080 was just this, maybe she was just kissing, but she 0:10:52.160 --> 0:10:56.199 was really underneath whatever. But hey, yeah, you know as 0:10:56.240 --> 0:10:59.040 a man, as a man, you know, at least I do. 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:02.559 Is he making sense to Yes? Absolutely so. 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:05.320 So. I mean I just feel like it's not that 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:08.559 easy to just leave if you if you have kids, Steve. 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:13.160 Well, that's the scenario you have to think about, and 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:14.840 you're like, hey, I'm taking them, or I'm going to 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.560 be a part time to ad, which most people don't 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:18.360 want to be because it never works out very good 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:22.400 for that person. But that's stuff I never thought about 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:22.920 that scenario. 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:24.400 You asked me a question. I wasn't ready for it. 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:27.920 But yeah, it looks that's my job. 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:30.680 No, you did good. 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:33.200 But in your mind, you got to know when you 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:34.959 get into something, it's like, hey, it's going to work. 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:35.680 It's not going to work. 0:11:35.840 --> 0:11:38.600 You know, most people know, I feel like and stay, 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:41.640 pretend and try different things or whatever. And some people 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:44.800 live through disasters for children, which turns out bad for 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:45.240 the kids. 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:45.680 Obviously. 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:46.920 Most of the time, there. 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:50.440 Is what's the divorce rate right now, doctor Wes, would 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:53.480 you say it's over fifty percent? And then they say 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:56.960 that there's another twenty percent that are staying together because 0:11:56.960 --> 0:11:59.400 of money and the kids, so they're not happy. So 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:04.360 the race of happy co Yeah, those are the statistics one. 0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:06.520 Hundred years from now. Who's going to tie your shoes? 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:07.679 You know what I mean? 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:10.200 Hey, it doesn't matter. You just got to do what 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:12.319 makes you good now because we don't have we're all 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.800 limited on this art, you know that. But just be 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.720 happy and if you're not happy, just move on quickly 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:22.040 because you're wasting your time. Six months a year, Hey, 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:23.839 that half your life. 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:25.120 Depending on what's going on. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:26.040 We never know. 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:27.480 I couldn't agree with you more. 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:30.640 And I love the fact that you're saying this in 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:31.880 a thirty year marriage. 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:32.959 So I love that. 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.320 Steveey, Oh no, no, Hey, that's the only person I 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:38.600 wanted to be with. And if it went south twenty 0:12:38.600 --> 0:12:40.680 five years ago, twenty eight years ago, six months ago, 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:41.640 I don't walk away. 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:43.560 I still will look. 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:44.800 I'm good looking, I can. 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:48.120 Still find Hey, I love it. 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:54.480 I'm okay, I'm happy. I don't want nothing else, and hey, 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:55.439 I appreciate you guys. 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:56.600 Show I really enjoyed it. 0:12:56.640 --> 0:12:56.960 Thank you. 0:12:57.000 --> 0:12:59.240 This is the first night now and you're our first caller, 0:12:59.320 --> 0:13:01.960 So thanks so much, Steve. I appreciate it. Thanks, have 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:04.960 a good night. Oh I hung up on him. So yeah, 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.840 I agree with Steve. And there's and there's plenty of 0:13:07.840 --> 0:13:10.840 times where you know that it's wrong. He's right, You 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:13.559 know that it's wrong, and you should walk away. There 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:15.960 are just sometimes you just are afraid to do that. 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:17.160 It's a trauma bond. 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:18.320 Is that what it is? 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:20.560 A lot of times it's a trauma bond. You have 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:25.080 bonded through each of you came with your own wounds 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:33.480 and you became each other's savior, each other's validating source, 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:38.160 source of validation and affirmation. And whether you know it's 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:40.600 bad or not, it's you have to have it. 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:44.600 Well what if you just what if you're you know, 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:48.000 because listen, I happen to agree with Steve. There were 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.080 times where I should have left my marriage. I was 0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:53.880 married for sixteen years. Happily fourteen two years prior I 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:57.400 should have left that relationship and we're still friends. So 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:00.240 like everything's good and it ended up the way that 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:03.640 it should. But I knew two years prior that this 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.440 was definitely not working and I need to walk away. 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.280 He went left and I went right, and it was 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:12.000 it was just a matter of But. 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:12.760 It was sad. 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:16.520 You know, it's hard to break up with somebody. It's 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:20.239 hard to let somebody go. It is not easy, especially 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:22.760 when you're this why I have so much compassion for 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.040 Nicole Kidman who seems devastated. 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.560 And Keith Urban looks like he's already moving on. 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.160 He's got his own house, he's you know, and that's 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:31.840 devastating to see. 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:32.560 Sure, so. 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:36.720 You know, we're going to talk about letting go. 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.480 But honestly, if it was as easy as Steve made it, 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.560 and just if you're not happy, then be gone. 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:44.000 It's not that easy. 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:49.480 No, No, some people are able to And I'm not 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:53.120 talking about Steve. I'm talking about just generally. I see 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.160 in my practice that some people can just compartmentalize really well, 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:00.480 they can disassociate really well, and they just they just 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:03.200 stuff it. They just put it in the closet, stuff it, 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:05.040 move on to the next person. 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:09.280 And then the and then you become we'll move on 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:11.320 to the next person. So they stuff it. They don't 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:15.000 learn that's right. Then they marry this or together with 0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:17.280 somebody that's exactly like the person they. 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:20.120 Left right right, Yeah, they don't do their own work. 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:23.520 And that's that is where you ask about couples that 0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:25.160 can I tell if they're going to make it or not? 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:27.600 I ask are they willing to do their own work? 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.160 Are they willing to do individual therapy? And if they are, 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:35.760 that increases the likelihood of success in couples therapy in 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:36.360 my opinion. 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:40.640 And is it usually one out of the two or yeah, 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.320 because it's usually one that's fighting for it and the 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:46.320 other one's like, I'm already done. I'm going here because 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:50.480 we've been together for a while, but I've already resigned. 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:54.360 And isn't that the case that one of the person, 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:57.480 one of the people in the in the partnership has 0:15:57.520 --> 0:15:58.920 given up before the other one? 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:00.400 M h Yeah. 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:04.840 And if somebody just decides that no, this isn't working 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:07.600 for me anymore. After they get to that point, it's 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:10.960 hard to come back from that. Yeah, Okay, I mean 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:13.360 let's go, Oh, let's go quickly to Mark. I think 0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:16.080 we're on. Let's grab Mark from Florence real quick. 0:16:15.920 --> 0:16:17.880 Mark Hay, how are you You're on? With Donna d 0:16:17.960 --> 0:16:18.640 and doctor. 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:23.320 Wes Hey, Hello, guys. I just want to say hello there. Hey, 0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:25.800 I just want to say quickly if I could please that, 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:29.600 uh hey that in regards that last caller, Now, hey, 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:32.800 he might have been one hundred. He might have he 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:35.320 might have done what he said he you know, would 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:37.560 do and still be that way. The only thing I 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.840 want to say to that is I used to criticize 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:45.160 my dad for thirty five years. He was always going 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.240 to leave his wife, but he never did. And I 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:50.600 remember thinking what a what it was? You know, even 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:52.840 though I love him, he's my dad, but I always thought, oh, 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:55.720 come on, hey. And then so then when I got 0:16:55.800 --> 0:17:00.720 in a relationship, then I learned it's not that easy. 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.119 And Donna, I just agree with you when you say 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:07.000 it's not that easy. That's the same thing. Oh it 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:09.960 was easy to say, but not so easy to do it. Hey. 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:15.880 Maybe and again maybe Steve would he could carried through it. Maybe, 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:18.960 but I just I just know for myself, Oh, I 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.480 was a big talker. I was good at talking, but 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.000 when it came down to it, not so much. 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:28.040 It's smart, thank you, because I'm like, am I crazy 0:17:28.200 --> 0:17:28.439 or what? 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:31.639 Because Steve was just saying, you just leave, you just 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:34.360 walk away. Is that easy? You're not happy? You go. 0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:38.480 Well, I mean for some people maybe, but for most 0:17:38.520 --> 0:17:39.840 of us it's painful. 0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:44.199 Well hey, yeah, no, I'm sorry, go ahead, sir. 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:45.760 I didn't mean to rupt you, No. 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:47.680 No, I was just going to say some people have 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:51.240 already morened the loss of their relationship, and they are 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.560 that they've already gone through the grieving process before they 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:57.680 ever decide to leave their relationship. So that could be 0:17:57.720 --> 0:17:58.439 a possibility. 0:17:58.480 --> 0:18:01.040 Okay, Well, that that is. 0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:03.439 It's kind of like mourning, something like the death of 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.520 the death of a relationship. People can go through mourning 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:09.440 before the other one even knows what's happening. 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:09.960 That's right. 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.240 Yeah, Mark, thanks saying did you wanted to say something? 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:15.520 One quick question? We're up against the wall thirty. 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:18.080 Seconds, Yeah, Donna, just real quick if I could. Hey, 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:21.080 and it's not only that it is, I mean a 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:23.520 couple of one of the women was kind of on 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:26.240 the crazy side. I'm thinking, what kind of like, this 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:28.439 is not going to be pretty. It's going to be. 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:29.159 It's going to be. 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:37.119 It's going to be so that the disruption. Yeah is so, Hey, guys, 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:37.920 go on your show. 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:41.320 Thank you so much, Mark for Colin so Saturday Night. 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:43.800 It's Dona D Doctor West. We're coming coming up. We're 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:45.639 going to talk about the trust thing. I have a 0:18:45.680 --> 0:18:48.159 story of what happened with my friend. She lost trust 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.400 and can you build that trust back in a relationship. 0:18:51.440 --> 0:18:55.760 Donna D Doctor West. Saturday Night, seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati, 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:02.800 Saturday Night, Hundreck WLW Donna D with Doctor Wes. So, 0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.560 do you have trust issues because of an X? So? 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:10.120 Doctor Wes and I were talking about when couples should 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:14.919 call it quits, when there's enough trust and space in 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:17.880 a relationship that you should try and work it out. 0:19:17.960 --> 0:19:20.879 There's definitely times where you should work it out, but 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:24.119 there's also times to let toxic people go. And you 0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:27.520 were talking about the four pillar pillars of basically when 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:31.480 you know that as a as a couple's counselor right 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:34.240 when you know that these couples are not going to 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:35.800 work it out, can you go over those again? 0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:41.400 Yes? So it's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:45.000 Okay, So, and we talked about it a little bit 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:47.040 off air. You think contempt is probably the worst. 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:49.960 Contempt is the biggest predictor of separation or divorce. 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:52.679 And can you describe contempt. 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:57.159 Contempt as where you literally you always it's like having 0:19:57.240 --> 0:20:02.360 negative sentiment override. You're always thinking negative, You're always expecting 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:04.600 the worst in the person. You don't believe in the person. 0:20:04.640 --> 0:20:08.399 You're you're you're just there they go again that you 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:12.000 know they're always that way. Yeah, I roll you, yeah. Yeah, 0:20:12.080 --> 0:20:15.560 it's it's the it's it's believing the worst in your partner. 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:17.720 You've lost your faith in them. 0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:20.960 Yeah, And that's a good time to say, I can't 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:23.440 be around this person anymore because they don't see the 0:20:23.480 --> 0:20:27.359 good in me anymore. And stonewalling is awful because if 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:30.760 you're going in and you're trying to connect a bid 0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:34.199 for connection and go in there and you talk to 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:37.680 your partner and they don't get off their phone, yep. 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:40.480 And maybe you're talking to your husband and you'll say, listen, 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:43.760 what you did earlier, I just don't feel connected to you. 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:46.959 Can we have a conversation and he ignores you and 0:20:47.000 --> 0:20:49.879 he'll stay on his phone or vice versa. The woman 0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:52.480 can do this too, that's stonewalling. 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:58.399 Stonewalling is so hurtful because it is a total invalidation 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:01.440 of what you're feeling when you're reaching for your partner 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:04.720 and they just they just act like they don't hear you, 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:09.200 or they change the subject. It completely invalidates your feelings, 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:14.040 your thinking right, and it's very destructive for someone in 0:21:14.080 --> 0:21:14.840 a relationship. 0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:18.960 You know, I was married happily for fourteen out of 0:21:19.000 --> 0:21:23.000 the sixteen years, and my husband and I had a 0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:25.760 great relationship and it went downhill. When it went downhill, 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:30.960 went down pretty fast. And I remember feeling so alone 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:34.639 when I was laying next to them in bed, and 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:38.320 I thought I would rather be on my own and 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:41.880 feeling alone in my own bed with nobody there, than 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:46.120 having that feeling of being with somebody that doesn't care 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:51.320 what I'm thinking, doesn't listen, doesn't validate me, doesn't doesn't 0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:55.880 appreciate my bids for connections, right, And that's what was happening. 0:21:56.000 --> 0:21:58.119 It was I can tell you there were plenty of 0:21:58.119 --> 0:22:00.600 stuff I did wrong in the relationship too. This is 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:03.200 not what's I died, But when it comes to stonewalling 0:22:03.359 --> 0:22:08.359 and contempt, he had some of that and it felt terrible. Now, 0:22:08.440 --> 0:22:13.520 we know, trust, when you when you lose trust, that's 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:17.080 a whole another ballgame. Right, So if somebody doesn't trust 0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:21.000 their partner, that's a pretty good sign that that that 0:22:21.000 --> 0:22:23.840 that the relationship might be over right. So I have 0:22:23.920 --> 0:22:27.240 a friend and this is a small they've been dating for, 0:22:27.440 --> 0:22:31.080 you know, about a year or so, and she thought 0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:35.920 he was texting another woman and she didn't say anything, 0:22:37.040 --> 0:22:41.080 and she was upset all night, and the next day 0:22:41.160 --> 0:22:43.080 she just couldn't take it anymore and she had to 0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:44.000 say something to him. 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:51.840 And he was receptive that day. And why would you 0:22:51.880 --> 0:22:53.840 think that? No, of course not. I mean, of course 0:22:53.880 --> 0:22:54.399 I love you. 0:22:54.440 --> 0:22:56.480 I would don't even know what you're talking about, don't 0:22:56.480 --> 0:22:57.639 even know the moment you're No. 0:22:57.720 --> 0:22:59.600 I didn't text anybody else but this. 0:23:00.440 --> 0:23:03.479 The day after, he thought about it, and he didn't 0:23:03.560 --> 0:23:05.600 liked being questioned like that, and he was like, this 0:23:05.640 --> 0:23:07.520 is the kind of stuff that makes me want to run. 0:23:08.480 --> 0:23:12.639 And they've worked it out, but I thought, isn't that 0:23:12.800 --> 0:23:16.400 the stuff you need to be saying to your partner 0:23:16.440 --> 0:23:19.480 and discussing those things five one, three, seven, four nine 0:23:19.600 --> 0:23:22.320 seven thousand. It's done a D and doctor Wes. We 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:25.159 want this to be interactive, so please call. Do you 0:23:25.280 --> 0:23:31.280 have trust issues? Have you ever regretted trusting somebody and 0:23:31.400 --> 0:23:34.800 knowing within your fiber and your being that you shouldn't 0:23:34.800 --> 0:23:36.639 have done it, and you stayed with him anyway and 0:23:36.680 --> 0:23:39.200 you got burned. Has that ever happened to you or 0:23:39.280 --> 0:23:41.879 do you? Do you have trust issues now because of 0:23:41.920 --> 0:23:45.280 an X five one, three, seven four, nine, seven thousand, 0:23:45.520 --> 0:23:48.040 eight hundred, the big one, Doctor Wes, what do you say? 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:48.600 Yeah? 0:23:48.640 --> 0:23:52.240 I think that the reason why uh number one to 0:23:52.280 --> 0:23:56.320 answer your question. It should be okay to ask, hey, 0:23:56.359 --> 0:24:01.160 I noticed that you were texting, and I'm just curious. 0:24:01.040 --> 0:24:04.200 It should be okay to be vulnerable and to say, hey, 0:24:04.400 --> 0:24:08.399 was that who was that? Right? Yeah? That if you 0:24:08.400 --> 0:24:11.119 have nothing to hide, why would you be defensive about that? 0:24:11.880 --> 0:24:12.160 Right? 0:24:12.280 --> 0:24:15.159 So I think that that's a part of building that 0:24:15.280 --> 0:24:19.080 secure base in a relationship. Right, You have to have security, 0:24:19.920 --> 0:24:20.840 you have to have a base. 0:24:21.040 --> 0:24:25.880 So so, doctor Wes, if you and I were dating, right, 0:24:26.160 --> 0:24:30.040 and and you said you said that to me, Donna, 0:24:30.119 --> 0:24:32.920 I feel like you were texting somebody. 0:24:33.040 --> 0:24:33.280 Yeah. 0:24:33.359 --> 0:24:35.840 I don't want to feel that way, but I do. 0:24:36.080 --> 0:24:38.880 And I got to get over this. Can you tell 0:24:38.920 --> 0:24:40.919 me if you were. I'm sorry if this is going 0:24:41.000 --> 0:24:43.520 to be making you feel weird, but I have to 0:24:43.680 --> 0:24:46.480 I have to talk this through. And I would say no, 0:24:46.560 --> 0:24:49.919 I was not no. If I wasn't, no, of course not. 0:24:50.440 --> 0:24:56.359 And if you said can I see your phone? My 0:24:56.520 --> 0:25:01.679 answer would be yes, you can see my phone, But 0:25:01.800 --> 0:25:04.960 I don't know what road that would take us down 0:25:05.320 --> 0:25:08.800 in this relationship. Now you're asking me, and I'm telling you, 0:25:09.040 --> 0:25:11.720 and you have to trust me on that. Mm hmm, 0:25:12.600 --> 0:25:14.879 Yes you can see my phone. But after I'm telling 0:25:14.880 --> 0:25:17.160 you this, do you still want to? And if they 0:25:17.200 --> 0:25:19.159 say yes, what does that look like? 0:25:20.520 --> 0:25:24.040 If they say yes, that that you can continue? 0:25:25.160 --> 0:25:28.040 If they say yes, I still want to see your phone? 0:25:28.240 --> 0:25:32.399 Yeah, I think that that. That's when I'm trying to 0:25:32.440 --> 0:25:36.080 help couples rebuild trust after an affair. I say complete 0:25:36.119 --> 0:25:37.840 transparency on the phones. 0:25:39.119 --> 0:25:44.480 So anytime somebody wants to feel like, I have autonomy 0:25:44.960 --> 0:25:48.119 to see what you're doing because you've already you've already 0:25:48.119 --> 0:25:50.240 broken my trust. And if we're trying to build this, 0:25:50.640 --> 0:25:53.359 I have to be able to How does that work? 0:25:53.920 --> 0:25:54.120 Yeah? 0:25:54.160 --> 0:25:58.840 How does it work? Does that trust ever come back fully? 0:25:59.160 --> 0:26:03.040 If the person is open and if they are non 0:26:03.119 --> 0:26:06.480 defensive non So that's the key part is they have 0:26:06.560 --> 0:26:10.320 to be I have couples do what's called an ownership letter, 0:26:10.680 --> 0:26:14.400 and they own their behavior. They own exactly what set 0:26:14.440 --> 0:26:17.560 them up for the infidelity or the affair. And then 0:26:17.720 --> 0:26:21.080 I say, yes, you have to be completely non defensive. 0:26:21.119 --> 0:26:24.119 You have wounded your partner. You've got to own that. 0:26:24.800 --> 0:26:27.280 And if they have a moment in time where they're 0:26:27.320 --> 0:26:31.040 insecure and they want to see your phone, if you 0:26:31.240 --> 0:26:35.479 don't allow that to happen, then you're just basically saying, uh, 0:26:36.520 --> 0:26:38.800 to your partner that their feelings don't matter, that the 0:26:38.920 --> 0:26:40.480 hurt doesn't matter anymore. 0:26:41.359 --> 0:26:48.159 So does that mean that does that mean that you 0:26:48.200 --> 0:26:52.959 should give your passcode to your to your partner? 0:26:53.080 --> 0:26:54.280 Yeah? I should. 0:26:54.359 --> 0:26:57.840 You should somebody give their passcode anyway? I mean that 0:26:58.600 --> 0:27:03.280 is that? Is that a must in a relationship? Should 0:27:03.320 --> 0:27:05.800 I say, oh, yeah, here's my phone, here's my pass code. 0:27:06.440 --> 0:27:08.439 I'm with you. I should be trusting you. 0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:13.359 Yeah. I think that past codes couples. I have couples 0:27:13.400 --> 0:27:17.880 that share emails, they look at each other's emails. They yeah, 0:27:18.240 --> 0:27:21.080 why not? What do you have to hide? Right? I 0:27:21.359 --> 0:27:25.399 think that that creates security and a secure base in 0:27:25.440 --> 0:27:30.280 a relationship. Now, there could be some people who say, I, 0:27:30.520 --> 0:27:34.159 that's an invasion of my privacy and you can negotiate that. 0:27:34.800 --> 0:27:36.080 You can negotiate it but. 0:27:36.359 --> 0:27:39.560 So what if someone says, look, I don't want to 0:27:39.640 --> 0:27:42.720 have this, She's going to question me on everything, right 0:27:42.800 --> 0:27:44.879 she if I give her my passcode, she's going to 0:27:44.920 --> 0:27:47.800 look at things that happened four years ago. 0:27:47.800 --> 0:27:49.639 Or so that's an issue that she needs to work on. 0:27:49.840 --> 0:27:53.120 Yeah, at that point, what can she do to help 0:27:53.160 --> 0:27:57.760 herself and work on that? Because obviously there's a trust issue. 0:27:57.840 --> 0:28:00.119 So what can she do if she wants to stay 0:28:00.119 --> 0:28:02.760 with this guy and build. 0:28:02.280 --> 0:28:05.160 She's got to work on the wounded part of herself 0:28:06.160 --> 0:28:09.159 and she's got to be able to do some I 0:28:09.200 --> 0:28:12.359 would recommend individual therapy, yeah, right, to help work on 0:28:12.480 --> 0:28:14.879 healing that part of her. But she also has to 0:28:14.920 --> 0:28:19.320 build some inner security, some inner trust that she can 0:28:19.359 --> 0:28:22.000 depend on herself, that she doesn't have to depend on 0:28:22.000 --> 0:28:22.520 her partner. 0:28:22.640 --> 0:28:26.399 Do you think do you think taking personal responsibility? Because 0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:29.359 it listen, I might get in trouble for saying this, 0:28:29.400 --> 0:28:31.880 but I feel this way one hundred percent. It does 0:28:31.960 --> 0:28:35.879 take two people in a relationship for someone to cheat, 0:28:36.240 --> 0:28:39.600 because and that may sound terrible, but I feel like 0:28:39.920 --> 0:28:42.640 happy people don't go and cheat on other people. It's rare, 0:28:42.960 --> 0:28:45.760 it does happen. It does happen. But if you're happy 0:28:45.800 --> 0:28:49.719 in a relationship and you're good. Usually people don't stray. 0:28:50.440 --> 0:28:52.400 It's you know, after the three or four or five 0:28:52.480 --> 0:28:56.040 year that maybe things you let your guard down a 0:28:56.080 --> 0:28:58.400 little bit, you're not as loving to each other, you're 0:28:58.400 --> 0:29:01.640 not as kind, Maybe can temp rolls in, maybe you know, 0:29:02.760 --> 0:29:04.880 you know, some of the other things that you talk about, 0:29:05.160 --> 0:29:08.920 stone walling and stuff. And then if somebody's not getting 0:29:08.960 --> 0:29:11.760 love and appreciated in a relationship, they're gonna find it 0:29:11.880 --> 0:29:12.560 someplace else. 0:29:12.600 --> 0:29:12.960 That's right. 0:29:13.640 --> 0:29:17.640 So taking personal responsibility, even if you're not the one 0:29:17.640 --> 0:29:20.520 that cheated, of how the relationship went awry. 0:29:20.480 --> 0:29:20.920 That's right. 0:29:21.000 --> 0:29:24.760 Is that important? That's very important on both sides. Obviously 0:29:24.800 --> 0:29:28.360 the one that cheated should you know, obviously get the 0:29:28.400 --> 0:29:29.240 majority of it. 0:29:29.760 --> 0:29:30.760 I think, But like. 0:29:32.360 --> 0:29:35.239 I do a relationship autopsy after that's what I call it. 0:29:35.480 --> 0:29:38.080 Let's look at what happened, and let's look at the 0:29:38.160 --> 0:29:45.800 vulnerabilities and affairs. Affairs occur because it allows somebody to 0:29:45.880 --> 0:29:49.960 get back in touch with who they are. Right, it's 0:29:50.000 --> 0:29:52.960 not usually about the partner that they're cheating with. It's 0:29:53.000 --> 0:29:56.520 about the experience of how they feel about themselves when 0:29:56.520 --> 0:29:57.479 they're with that person. 0:29:58.120 --> 0:30:00.600 So when right I agree with that. 0:30:00.920 --> 0:30:03.960 And when and when there's trust issues and they're trying 0:30:04.000 --> 0:30:08.080 to build back, what is the percentage of couples that 0:30:08.160 --> 0:30:09.239 can get through that. 0:30:10.360 --> 0:30:13.760 Yeah, it's I don't have an exact percentage, but I 0:30:14.000 --> 0:30:18.880 would say that it's if I had to guess, it's 0:30:18.960 --> 0:30:21.280 fit at least with the couples that you Yeah, it's 0:30:21.320 --> 0:30:24.000 about fifty to fifty. Some some do, some don't. And 0:30:24.040 --> 0:30:28.200 it's really based on how humility. There has to be 0:30:28.280 --> 0:30:30.960 humility and there has to be ownership. If I have 0:30:31.000 --> 0:30:32.800 a couple that if I have somebody that comes in 0:30:33.200 --> 0:30:35.280 and has cheated and they start giving me all the 0:30:35.320 --> 0:30:37.800 reasons why they cheated and they feel entitled to the 0:30:37.840 --> 0:30:40.600 fact that they cheated, that's not going to work. Yeah, Yeah, 0:30:40.680 --> 0:30:41.400 that's not going to work. 0:30:41.480 --> 0:30:41.640 Yeah. 0:30:41.680 --> 0:30:44.959 They're blinded by their needs and they're feeling like they 0:30:45.000 --> 0:30:47.680 need to validate themselves. If they come in and they 0:30:47.720 --> 0:30:51.959 have there they're humble and they are willing to do 0:30:52.040 --> 0:30:55.560 the work, and they're willing to be completely transparent and 0:30:55.640 --> 0:30:59.600 open with their partner, then I think trust can be rebuilt, 0:31:00.080 --> 0:31:02.720 but it has to go slow, it has to be consistent, 0:31:04.520 --> 0:31:06.960 and there's got to be check ins every single day. 0:31:07.920 --> 0:31:09.800 You know, I like the check ins, like how you're 0:31:09.800 --> 0:31:11.760 doing Yeah, I mean am I am i? Am I 0:31:11.840 --> 0:31:14.920 doing a good job? Or how you know, do you 0:31:14.920 --> 0:31:16.040 feel more comfortable? 0:31:16.120 --> 0:31:17.720 Am I listening? Do you feel heard? 0:31:18.080 --> 0:31:21.160 Those types of things, because trust issues are not just 0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:26.840 about cheating either. They're about like if you've disrespected somebody 0:31:26.880 --> 0:31:30.800 in public, right and and you don't feel like your 0:31:30.800 --> 0:31:33.520 partner has your back anymore, It's like, how did I 0:31:33.600 --> 0:31:35.520 become enemy number one with you? 0:31:35.680 --> 0:31:35.960 Why? 0:31:36.320 --> 0:31:38.920 Because that's a big trust issue. He doesn't have my back. 0:31:39.600 --> 0:31:42.760 I think having someone's back in a relationship is really 0:31:42.800 --> 0:31:43.680 really important. 0:31:43.920 --> 0:31:46.400 It's underrated. Where would you score. 0:31:46.160 --> 0:31:48.520 That that's very high having someone's back. 0:31:48.640 --> 0:31:48.920 Yeah. 0:31:48.960 --> 0:31:53.080 Absolutely. That's part of when we talked earlier about what 0:31:53.200 --> 0:31:58.480 makes successful couple's work, that's exactly part of it is 0:31:58.480 --> 0:32:00.480 that they have each other's back. They believe the best 0:32:00.520 --> 0:32:04.160 in each other. They are going to there each other's cheerleader, 0:32:04.840 --> 0:32:05.440 right right. 0:32:05.560 --> 0:32:08.400 And it doesn't mean that you can't argue, and it 0:32:08.440 --> 0:32:11.320 doesn't mean that you're not going to be frustrated with 0:32:11.400 --> 0:32:13.600 each other and things like that, but do it in 0:32:13.640 --> 0:32:14.880 the privacy of your home. 0:32:15.000 --> 0:32:16.600 Don't get into an argument. 0:32:17.040 --> 0:32:19.600 Hopefully not in front of a group of people and 0:32:20.720 --> 0:32:24.040 embarrass each other. Yeah, right, Having each other's back is 0:32:24.080 --> 0:32:27.760 also saying, listen, let's not do this now we're in public. 0:32:27.840 --> 0:32:30.680 Let's go back and we'll talk about I'm so sorry 0:32:30.680 --> 0:32:32.000 that you're feeling this way right now. 0:32:32.120 --> 0:32:33.800 Or what you're doing by what you just said is 0:32:33.840 --> 0:32:37.560 you're acknowledging what happened, You're validating the emotion, and you're 0:32:37.600 --> 0:32:39.560 setting the expectation that we're going to come back and 0:32:39.640 --> 0:32:43.640 talk about it. Successful couples make it because they navigate 0:32:43.680 --> 0:32:47.560 what's called the repair attempt. They have a successful repair attempt, 0:32:47.600 --> 0:32:49.320 they come back to it, they talk about it. The 0:32:49.320 --> 0:32:51.960 couples that don't make it just sweep it under the rug. 0:32:52.560 --> 0:32:54.800 They ignore it, but they don't talk about it. 0:32:55.560 --> 0:33:01.080 Right, a successful repair attempt, that's right, What does tell 0:33:01.080 --> 0:33:01.960 me what that looks like? 0:33:02.160 --> 0:33:04.480 So to me an example, yeah, so that would be 0:33:04.840 --> 0:33:06.320 kind of like what you just did. But hey, I 0:33:06.320 --> 0:33:09.000 want to talk about what happened and when this happened, 0:33:09.520 --> 0:33:13.040 and using eye language is so important. When when this happened, 0:33:13.040 --> 0:33:18.840 when this disagreement happened, I felt hurt. I felt hurt 0:33:18.960 --> 0:33:25.880 because I felt misunderstood. I felt it really hit a 0:33:25.960 --> 0:33:29.480 raw spot within me, right, I didn't know if you 0:33:29.480 --> 0:33:31.920 were there for me or not, and I really needed 0:33:31.920 --> 0:33:33.640 to know that you were there for me in that moment. 0:33:33.760 --> 0:33:38.080 And so what I'm asking for is in the future, 0:33:38.200 --> 0:33:41.200 is is can you can we show up for each 0:33:41.200 --> 0:33:45.600 other together? So you're acknowledging the situation, you're acknowledging your feelings, 0:33:45.840 --> 0:33:49.240 and you're making your you're requesting a making a request 0:33:49.240 --> 0:33:52.160 in a positive way, not a negative way. It's a 0:33:52.200 --> 0:33:55.440 positive need that you're requesting. Can we show up for 0:33:55.480 --> 0:33:55.880 each other? 0:33:55.960 --> 0:33:56.160 Yeah? 0:33:56.560 --> 0:34:01.280 Right, yeah, instead of saying you're always talking about me 0:34:01.360 --> 0:34:04.080 and you know, can we discuss this at home and 0:34:04.480 --> 0:34:06.640 let's be there for each other. Let's look at each 0:34:06.680 --> 0:34:08.680 other in the most positive light. I'm giving you the 0:34:08.680 --> 0:34:10.520 benefit of the now. I know you didn't mean to 0:34:10.560 --> 0:34:13.960 embarrass me. It happens sometimes, right, Can we talk about 0:34:14.000 --> 0:34:17.440 like not doing that again because I'm embarrassed or I've 0:34:17.480 --> 0:34:19.520 had this or that. Man, I wish we could all 0:34:19.560 --> 0:34:21.879 just be like Steve who has it so easy. Right, 0:34:22.000 --> 0:34:25.880 not happy? You're not happy, then you just walk away. 0:34:26.560 --> 0:34:29.279 So coming up, and this has been such a great conversation, 0:34:29.360 --> 0:34:31.080 we do want to I know there were three calls 0:34:31.120 --> 0:34:32.719 and I don't know how come they hung up. And 0:34:32.760 --> 0:34:36.080 I'm so sorry if I didn't get back to you 0:34:36.120 --> 0:34:38.879 in time because I'm not used to the phone yet. 0:34:38.920 --> 0:34:42.640 But I'm getting it. If I went three, seven, four hundred, 0:34:42.680 --> 0:34:46.520 the big one. We want this conversation to be very interactive. Donna, Dee, 0:34:46.560 --> 0:34:49.960 Doctor Wes. It's Saturday night, coming back. We are going 0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:53.560 to talk about how do you know you found your soulmate? 0:34:54.120 --> 0:34:56.000 This is going to be really good and there's going 0:34:56.080 --> 0:34:59.400 to be three green flags on relationships. 0:34:59.480 --> 0:35:00.440 We're talking about the. 0:35:00.440 --> 0:35:04.640 Tough stuff on when when you should leave a relationship, 0:35:04.680 --> 0:35:07.399 and there is a time when you need to say, 0:35:07.480 --> 0:35:10.960 even if it's you're not planning on getting a divorced, 0:35:11.080 --> 0:35:14.920 you're just separating yourselves because what you have been doing 0:35:15.320 --> 0:35:19.080 is not working right. So you just you literally say, 0:35:19.160 --> 0:35:22.319 I'm changing the situation right now. I don't know what 0:35:22.440 --> 0:35:24.960 happens to us in a month or two, but for 0:35:25.120 --> 0:35:28.200 right now, I am getting away from the contempt. I'm 0:35:28.239 --> 0:35:30.719 getting away from the stone walling. I'm getting away from 0:35:30.760 --> 0:35:34.000 the defensiveness. I'm getting away from what am I missing? 0:35:34.520 --> 0:35:37.120 Criticism that's right, I don't want to be criticized I 0:35:37.120 --> 0:35:40.200 feel like everything I say is not working and you're 0:35:40.239 --> 0:35:43.040 defensive and we can't talk about it. That's the time 0:35:43.440 --> 0:35:45.799 when you say, all right, we got to split up 0:35:45.800 --> 0:35:48.160 for a second. I'll go to my sisters, I'll go 0:35:48.200 --> 0:35:50.759 to my mother's, I'll go to my whatever, and just 0:35:51.239 --> 0:35:52.400 change the scenario. 0:35:53.080 --> 0:35:55.520 Then you have the repair attempt. You got to come 0:35:55.560 --> 0:35:57.120 back and have the repair attempt, right. 0:35:57.440 --> 0:35:59.880 So and so when we come back, we're going to 0:35:59.880 --> 0:36:02.879 tell a little bit more about this, and then how 0:36:02.920 --> 0:36:06.320 do you know when you find your soulmate? 0:36:06.360 --> 0:36:09.200 And this is really, really good. I'm very excited to 0:36:09.239 --> 0:36:09.680 talk about that. 0:36:09.719 --> 0:36:12.759 Five one, three Sember ninety seven thousand, Dona d Doctor West, 0:36:12.800 --> 0:36:17.479 Saturday Night on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Why we want 0:36:17.520 --> 0:36:21.000 people to be invested in looking up and knowing how 0:36:21.080 --> 0:36:22.839 many I mean, look at the stars, look at. 0:36:22.760 --> 0:36:24.000 The moon, live at the sun. 0:36:24.040 --> 0:36:26.759 It's just absolutely gorgeous, and it reminds us of how 0:36:26.800 --> 0:36:30.000 small we actually are. And why do we take ourselves 0:36:30.000 --> 0:36:34.640 so seriously? Yep, I mean seriously, why can't we just 0:36:36.440 --> 0:36:40.359 be happy and and love our lives. And if we 0:36:40.400 --> 0:36:43.360 don't love our lives, change it and tell the people 0:36:43.880 --> 0:36:45.640 that we do love in our lives. 0:36:45.520 --> 0:36:46.279 That we love them. 0:36:46.320 --> 0:36:47.600 Why is that so hard? 0:36:48.200 --> 0:36:48.520 Right? 0:36:48.680 --> 0:36:52.560 So, we've been talking about rebuilding trust in a relationship 0:36:52.640 --> 0:36:55.560 and is that possible? A friend of mine is going 0:36:55.600 --> 0:36:59.480 through that right now in a relationship. It takes wes, 0:36:59.560 --> 0:37:01.440 we were talking talking about it. It can't just be 0:37:01.640 --> 0:37:04.920 one person trying to rebuild trust. It has It takes 0:37:04.960 --> 0:37:09.799 two to repair a relationship. And and and and if 0:37:09.840 --> 0:37:12.520 there's somebody that's half heartedly in it, what are the 0:37:12.600 --> 0:37:13.320 chances that's. 0:37:13.200 --> 0:37:16.720 Going to happen? Mm hmm, Now no, it's the chances 0:37:16.760 --> 0:37:18.520 are very low that that that's going to happen. 0:37:19.040 --> 0:37:19.160 Uh. 0:37:19.560 --> 0:37:23.040 And so really we're talking about I have a lot 0:37:23.080 --> 0:37:26.439 of thoughts on this actually, but it's a secure base. 0:37:26.520 --> 0:37:29.000 You're gonna hear me talk a lot about that about 0:37:29.000 --> 0:37:32.680 a relationship. To rebuild trust, you have to rebuild your 0:37:32.760 --> 0:37:36.520 secure base. And that means that means that you can 0:37:36.960 --> 0:37:39.760 be you can let your guard down, you can breathe 0:37:39.760 --> 0:37:42.560 a little easier, you can know that you're safe with 0:37:42.760 --> 0:37:46.960 this person, right, that you've got security. It's that that 0:37:47.080 --> 0:37:49.360 they've got your back. Like what you've said before, and. 0:37:49.600 --> 0:37:53.200 Would you say checking in with your partner multiple times 0:37:53.360 --> 0:37:54.080 on it's okay? 0:37:54.120 --> 0:37:54.839 If you want to talk. 0:37:54.920 --> 0:37:58.640 I'm here, I'm you know, I'm I'm going to be 0:37:58.719 --> 0:38:01.279 down the street, and you know, text me as much 0:38:01.320 --> 0:38:03.520 as you want. I know, during this time, we need 0:38:03.640 --> 0:38:06.919 to rebuild this and repair this. I mean why would 0:38:07.000 --> 0:38:10.640 why would? Because we've talked about this earlier. This will 0:38:10.680 --> 0:38:12.440 bring this back back for a second, because I think 0:38:12.480 --> 0:38:17.520 it's important. Why would somebody be half in anyway? 0:38:17.719 --> 0:38:17.879 Why? 0:38:18.120 --> 0:38:18.319 Why? 0:38:18.560 --> 0:38:22.320 If you have all this work to do to repair 0:38:22.520 --> 0:38:26.920 the relationship, why is it that somebody would say, Okay, 0:38:27.360 --> 0:38:31.000 I am, I'm going to do it, but I don't 0:38:31.000 --> 0:38:32.000 think this is going to work. 0:38:32.840 --> 0:38:35.680 Fear. Fear, Yeah, I think it's fear. 0:38:37.600 --> 0:38:40.240 You know, this relationship stuff. This is why we're talking 0:38:40.320 --> 0:38:44.239 about it. Five one three seven, four hundred the Big One. 0:38:44.719 --> 0:38:46.320 Give us a call. We want to talk to you. 0:38:46.440 --> 0:38:49.839 We want to hear about your your trust issues too, 0:38:50.000 --> 0:38:53.960 because if you have successfully repaired a relationship, please call 0:38:54.080 --> 0:38:55.840 us and tell us about it, because that's kind of 0:38:55.880 --> 0:38:59.000 a big deal and the odds of that happening are 0:38:59.120 --> 0:39:02.120 fairly slim, especially if you've been cheated on or something. 0:39:02.160 --> 0:39:04.560 But trust issues can go way deeper than at then 0:39:04.600 --> 0:39:07.440 that as well. Five one three ninety seven thousand. We 0:39:07.520 --> 0:39:09.560 do have run on but I do want Joe, I 0:39:09.640 --> 0:39:11.719 want to play this clip. I listened to this guy. 0:39:12.120 --> 0:39:17.080 This was really funny. This girl asked this therapist, how 0:39:17.120 --> 0:39:21.480 do you know when you found your soul meat, how do. 0:39:21.520 --> 0:39:22.879 You know when you found the one? 0:39:23.560 --> 0:39:26.480 Well, you'll find the right one faster if you say 0:39:26.560 --> 0:39:29.560 no to the wrong one quicker woo. So you have 0:39:29.719 --> 0:39:32.560 to get good at saying no at the same time 0:39:32.600 --> 0:39:35.239 as you're creating opportunities, because opportunities are not just going 0:39:35.280 --> 0:39:36.960 to bring you more of a chance that you meet 0:39:36.960 --> 0:39:38.920 the right person. They're also going to bring you more 0:39:38.920 --> 0:39:41.120 of the wrong people. And you're going to have to 0:39:41.160 --> 0:39:44.759 get very good at disqualifying people along the way. If 0:39:44.800 --> 0:39:46.960 the right person for you is number fifteen, it's a 0:39:47.040 --> 0:39:49.319 crude way of looking at it. But if they're number 0:39:49.360 --> 0:39:52.200 fifteen and you need to get through the next fourteen, well, 0:39:52.239 --> 0:39:55.919 if you spend three years on each one of these, 0:39:56.400 --> 0:39:57.239 you may never get. 0:39:57.160 --> 0:39:57.800 To this person. 0:39:58.120 --> 0:40:01.240 But if you can zip through those fourteen a lot faster, 0:40:01.560 --> 0:40:04.359 you're going to get to fifteen at a completely different rate. 0:40:04.520 --> 0:40:08.080 So that proactivity and the ability to say no faster 0:40:08.640 --> 0:40:09.319 two big ones. 0:40:09.360 --> 0:40:10.560 If you want to find love faster. 0:40:11.239 --> 0:40:12.040 Isn't that amazing? 0:40:12.680 --> 0:40:12.839 Right? 0:40:13.040 --> 0:40:15.200 So I actually, and Ron, We're going to get to 0:40:15.200 --> 0:40:18.200 you in just a second. I actually am somebody that 0:40:18.960 --> 0:40:21.560 knows when I need to get out of a relationship, 0:40:21.800 --> 0:40:24.440 but don't do it like I've to do it. 0:40:24.680 --> 0:40:25.680 That three year thing. 0:40:26.160 --> 0:40:29.440 I'm getting better at it. Okay, I'm getting better at it, 0:40:29.920 --> 0:40:32.520 but that three year thing is a real thing for me. 0:40:32.600 --> 0:40:34.640 That's why I even played the clip because it hit home. 0:40:35.120 --> 0:40:38.560 It hit so home to me because I have I 0:40:38.600 --> 0:40:40.480 don't want to say wasted, because I feel like every 0:40:40.560 --> 0:40:42.560 relationship is important to me. But I have to get 0:40:42.600 --> 0:40:44.960 to my fifteen and I still have probably ten more 0:40:45.040 --> 0:40:48.040 to go, or six at least nine more to go. 0:40:48.719 --> 0:40:50.759 And if I'm spending three years. 0:40:50.960 --> 0:40:55.200 Finding spending time with somebody who's half in, right, just 0:40:55.320 --> 0:40:58.480 like the trust issue, if you've broken trust and you say, 0:40:58.480 --> 0:41:00.680 all right, I still love you, we can repair it. 0:41:00.719 --> 0:41:03.200 If we're both in and you've got somebody that's halfway in, 0:41:03.320 --> 0:41:05.600 why am I going to do that to myself? So 0:41:05.760 --> 0:41:07.520 why is it so hard to let go? We're going 0:41:07.600 --> 0:41:10.960 to get to the phones real quick. Hey, Ron in Springboro, 0:41:11.200 --> 0:41:14.120 it's Donnade and doctor West. You're on seven hundred WLW. 0:41:14.280 --> 0:41:15.000 Thanks for calling in. 0:41:15.640 --> 0:41:20.440 What's up hey, great show, very interesting, Thank you. Well, 0:41:20.719 --> 0:41:24.520 I guess, but in my case, and I guess in 0:41:24.600 --> 0:41:28.080 a lot of cases, marrying some well, going out with 0:41:28.200 --> 0:41:33.040 someone been marrying now, and there's a big age difference. 0:41:33.640 --> 0:41:36.279 Like my ex wife was twelve years younger than me. 0:41:38.920 --> 0:41:41.520 I didn't get married till late in life. I was 0:41:41.600 --> 0:41:47.160 thirty six, she was twenty four. First sixteen years was 0:41:47.360 --> 0:41:55.880 great about age thirty eight for her. She started hanging 0:41:56.000 --> 0:41:58.640 out with people younger than her. 0:42:00.280 --> 0:42:02.960 Oh boy, and that made you a real big difference 0:42:03.000 --> 0:42:03.440 in age. 0:42:03.480 --> 0:42:10.080 Then, yes, we would try to double date and I 0:42:10.120 --> 0:42:15.120 would have nothing in common with these people, and it 0:42:15.320 --> 0:42:19.560 was just you know about hitting bled a divorce, and 0:42:19.680 --> 0:42:22.360 I just wonder how much how many times that plays 0:42:22.400 --> 0:42:24.400 a factor in the age difference. 0:42:24.640 --> 0:42:27.280 That's a good question, doctor West. Do you see that often? 0:42:27.440 --> 0:42:29.480 I mean, ron, I will tell you this that happened 0:42:29.480 --> 0:42:33.200 to me. So I was I was just getting divorced 0:42:33.400 --> 0:42:36.160 and I met this guy. I was thirty nine and 0:42:36.239 --> 0:42:38.200 he was twenty nine, and I was like, there's no way, 0:42:38.600 --> 0:42:40.680 there's no way. And then his brother, who was very 0:42:40.719 --> 0:42:44.560 close to him, was twenty four and his girlfriend was twenty, 0:42:45.000 --> 0:42:46.680 so the four of us used to I just I 0:42:46.760 --> 0:42:49.040 had the same exact thing happened. So the four of 0:42:49.160 --> 0:42:51.600 us would go out, and I really liked them all 0:42:51.800 --> 0:42:53.680 very very much, and I had so much fun with him. 0:42:53.800 --> 0:42:57.040 But in the back of my mind, I'm like, what 0:42:57.120 --> 0:42:59.040 am I doing? What am I doing here? I'm like 0:42:59.120 --> 0:43:01.319 the oldest person. I could be her mother. I mean, 0:43:01.360 --> 0:43:04.279 this is so weird. And I ended up with that 0:43:04.440 --> 0:43:05.760 guy for three years. 0:43:06.480 --> 0:43:11.680 Three years, well I did sixteen, so you know, it's 0:43:11.760 --> 0:43:16.000 definitely different. You know, people change, and you know, I 0:43:16.080 --> 0:43:18.680 guess she went through a midlife crisis if there is 0:43:18.840 --> 0:43:19.399 such a thing. 0:43:20.560 --> 0:43:23.080 No, there is one hundred percent a midlife crisis for 0:43:23.239 --> 0:43:25.759 men and for women. Would you agree with that after worry? 0:43:25.960 --> 0:43:26.520 Absolutely? 0:43:26.840 --> 0:43:29.120 Yeah, I feel like Ron, And that's a lot of 0:43:29.600 --> 0:43:33.080 you know, when these guys are on second divorces and 0:43:33.239 --> 0:43:35.880 they try and go out with younger guys a younger women, 0:43:36.000 --> 0:43:38.239 I wish they would listen to you, because it's not 0:43:38.360 --> 0:43:41.480 always hunky dory to be going out with, you know, 0:43:43.000 --> 0:43:45.520 people that don't you don't have anything in common with, 0:43:45.719 --> 0:43:47.640 and then they all have friends, they have friends that 0:43:47.800 --> 0:43:49.000 you have nothing in common with. 0:43:50.280 --> 0:43:53.320 Yeah, it's a huge factor, you know. And you know, 0:43:53.480 --> 0:43:56.080 like they say, you know, when you get married, you 0:43:56.200 --> 0:43:58.920 marry their family. Well you're also marrying their friends. 0:43:59.000 --> 0:44:02.640 Yeah, one percent on you get all the friends. Ron, 0:44:02.680 --> 0:44:04.040 are you and Nora are We're going to come to 0:44:04.120 --> 0:44:07.960 you right in one second. Run Are you dating anyone? Now? 0:44:08.040 --> 0:44:09.839 Have you picked up the pieces? Where are you at? 0:44:11.400 --> 0:44:15.240 I am dating where not what we call wafering girlfriend. 0:44:15.360 --> 0:44:18.759 She has her place, I have mine. We hang out, 0:44:18.840 --> 0:44:24.320 we vacation together. But you know, it's it's not a commitment, 0:44:24.480 --> 0:44:26.960 not like we're out running around with other people. 0:44:27.520 --> 0:44:27.600 But. 0:44:29.080 --> 0:44:29.800 Taking it slow. 0:44:30.880 --> 0:44:34.360 Yeah, I'm in the work now almost nine years. You know, 0:44:34.440 --> 0:44:39.000 I'm in a hurry, and you know, perfectly happy with 0:44:39.120 --> 0:44:39.800 this situation. 0:44:40.280 --> 0:44:43.440 Sometimes it's nice to be Sometimes it's nice to be 0:44:43.560 --> 0:44:46.400 in your own home by yourself. You don't, you know, 0:44:46.560 --> 0:44:48.839 you live alone and then you can just go hang 0:44:48.920 --> 0:44:50.640 it somebody else's house for a little bit. 0:44:51.719 --> 0:44:51.919 Yeah. 0:44:52.000 --> 0:44:54.360 We call them away games and she stays here. I 0:44:54.480 --> 0:44:54.879 go there. 0:44:56.480 --> 0:44:59.680 I love it. Ron, Thank you so much for the 0:45:00.000 --> 0:45:03.000 appreciate it. Let's go to Nora in Cincinnati. Nora, how 0:45:03.080 --> 0:45:05.040 you doing tonight? All right? 0:45:05.239 --> 0:45:09.360 My name is Norma gene con and I wanted to 0:45:09.520 --> 0:45:12.279 tell you how I met my soulmate. I used to 0:45:12.400 --> 0:45:19.279 live in the high Rise building and in Westwood and 0:45:21.880 --> 0:45:25.440 I'm basically impaired, and he was he just lost his site. 0:45:25.960 --> 0:45:28.480 But we were married six years and then he got 0:45:28.560 --> 0:45:34.000 sick and real and died. And then when he was 0:45:34.160 --> 0:45:38.360 six he uh, he would say Nancy things to me, 0:45:38.680 --> 0:45:40.840 and I would you know, I would forgive him, but 0:45:40.960 --> 0:45:43.919 you know, I loved him just the same. Like I said, 0:45:44.000 --> 0:45:46.120 he died in two thousand and two. He was real 0:45:46.280 --> 0:45:50.719 sick January third, so I kind of missed him, but 0:45:50.960 --> 0:45:54.440 you know, I'm happy he's not suffered anymore. 0:45:54.760 --> 0:45:57.680 Well, yeah, I mean, you know what, thanks for the call, Nora, 0:45:57.840 --> 0:46:01.279 really appreciate it. That is uh, that is hard, you know, 0:46:01.440 --> 0:46:06.680 as we get older too, that's a reality for all 0:46:06.719 --> 0:46:09.719 of us. I talked about Jane Goodall today on the 0:46:10.080 --> 0:46:12.440 you know I was on earlier with Sterling, and you know, 0:46:12.560 --> 0:46:15.720 she lived in ninety one and she was still traveling. 0:46:15.880 --> 0:46:18.279 She had all of she was so bright and still 0:46:18.320 --> 0:46:21.680 smart at ninety one, traveling three hundred days out of 0:46:21.719 --> 0:46:26.680 the year. But it is really sad and hard when 0:46:27.040 --> 0:46:29.840 you have somebody that you love and care about and 0:46:29.960 --> 0:46:30.640 they go first. 0:46:30.920 --> 0:46:37.080 That's right. Yeah, that is very devastating, and it's important 0:46:37.160 --> 0:46:40.600 that we talk about, you know, how to grieve in 0:46:40.719 --> 0:46:44.719 that case, and how couples go on, how one member 0:46:44.760 --> 0:46:46.040 of the couple goes on. 0:46:47.040 --> 0:46:49.160 And so that's but it's kind of the same thing 0:46:49.200 --> 0:46:51.759 as we talked about letting go period, Like, if you 0:46:51.840 --> 0:46:53.879 have to let go of a relationship, it's like a death. 0:46:54.120 --> 0:46:57.840 It is, and it can be just as painful. I 0:46:58.160 --> 0:47:01.160 would rather have you know, cod strapped throat and pink 0:47:01.200 --> 0:47:04.959 eye then have to deal with heartbreak. Sure, but there's 0:47:05.040 --> 0:47:07.880 a reason why we go through it, and I feel 0:47:07.960 --> 0:47:12.360 like it's to get stronger personally. You have to understand 0:47:12.400 --> 0:47:16.160 that every relationship that you've been in in this life 0:47:16.520 --> 0:47:19.480 serves a purpose. Now, yes, are there times where you 0:47:19.680 --> 0:47:22.560 know that you should listen to that inner voice or 0:47:22.640 --> 0:47:25.480 intuition that says you don't need to be in this relationship. 0:47:25.840 --> 0:47:27.880 You need to let go of this person. He's not 0:47:28.000 --> 0:47:30.719 your soulmate or she's not your soulmate. You have to 0:47:30.840 --> 0:47:33.480 let this person go, and you don't do it for 0:47:33.680 --> 0:47:39.520 fear or attachment issues, or you really like this person 0:47:39.760 --> 0:47:43.160 even though you know that it's not the right thing 0:47:43.320 --> 0:47:46.560 to do. Yeah, there are different mind Why do we 0:47:46.760 --> 0:47:49.719 do that, doctor West? Why do we hold on to 0:47:49.840 --> 0:47:52.080 people longer than they should be in our lives? 0:47:53.480 --> 0:47:56.799 I think for a lot of people it goes back 0:47:56.880 --> 0:48:02.600 to the they're meeting a need that they fear can't 0:48:02.640 --> 0:48:05.760 be met otherwise. They fear it can't be met otherwise, 0:48:05.800 --> 0:48:08.799 so they hold on to that person so that they can. 0:48:08.960 --> 0:48:11.640 It's familiarity, too, right. We want to be with people 0:48:11.680 --> 0:48:15.080 who are familiar and familiar situations. 0:48:15.320 --> 0:48:17.440 True, right, Oh my gosh. 0:48:17.520 --> 0:48:21.200 If you're familiar, then people are more afraid, even if 0:48:21.239 --> 0:48:25.040 it's a better scenario. They're afraid of the unknown, even 0:48:25.120 --> 0:48:28.640 if it's better than what they're already used to. Let's 0:48:28.680 --> 0:48:32.839 go to John from Miamisburg. John, Hi, it's done a dan, 0:48:32.920 --> 0:48:35.560 doctor Wes. Have you seen the moon tonight? 0:48:35.640 --> 0:48:37.160 It's absolutely gorgeous. 0:48:38.239 --> 0:48:39.600 It is really awesome. 0:48:40.160 --> 0:48:42.360 But yeah, I was just going to weigh in on 0:48:42.480 --> 0:48:46.640 the relationship problems with today and I think that social 0:48:46.719 --> 0:48:50.719 media plays a big part and why relationships don't work out. 0:48:51.080 --> 0:48:54.200 Tell me, why tell me why you think because I'm 0:48:54.280 --> 0:48:56.520 not saying I disagree in any way, shape or form, 0:48:56.560 --> 0:48:57.759 But why do you think so? John? 0:48:58.719 --> 0:49:01.520 I think it goes back to the saying comparison is 0:49:01.600 --> 0:49:04.640 the thief of joy. Yeah, people don't really appreciate what 0:49:04.760 --> 0:49:08.160 they have. They're just always comparing what they have on 0:49:08.320 --> 0:49:10.759 social media to what their friends are doing, you know, 0:49:10.880 --> 0:49:13.800 and kind of just enjoy them and enjoying the spouse 0:49:13.880 --> 0:49:15.799 that they have. They're comparing, you know, all this guy 0:49:15.920 --> 0:49:18.480 makes more money, or this lady looks prettier. You know, 0:49:18.600 --> 0:49:21.280 it's it's just my personal opinion. 0:49:21.520 --> 0:49:22.319 No, I mean, I. 0:49:22.440 --> 0:49:25.120 Literally Wes and I talked about that quote right before 0:49:25.200 --> 0:49:27.600 we got on air. Comparison is that the thief of 0:49:27.680 --> 0:49:30.600 joy or thief of contentment? It is a very big 0:49:30.680 --> 0:49:36.640 problem on social media when you're looking at friends on Facebook, Instagram, 0:49:36.880 --> 0:49:40.399 everybody looks like they're having the best time. Everybody looks 0:49:40.480 --> 0:49:43.360 like everyone's enjoying yours and you're sitting at home scrolling, 0:49:43.800 --> 0:49:46.360 and then you start comparing, why didn't they why didn't 0:49:46.360 --> 0:49:48.520 they ask me to go out? Why don't have a boyfriend? 0:49:48.640 --> 0:49:51.359 And then the loneliness sets in, and then that's when 0:49:51.400 --> 0:49:54.359 the bad decisions start coming. And I could not agree more. 0:49:55.000 --> 0:49:58.360 What do you think, doctor Wes, is a cure for that? 0:49:58.960 --> 0:49:59.000 What? 0:49:59.280 --> 0:50:02.759 What do get all social media or John, you tell me. 0:50:04.480 --> 0:50:07.760 To me again, I'm I've been married to lind years. 0:50:07.920 --> 0:50:12.680 My my take on it is is I'm very competitive, 0:50:12.840 --> 0:50:15.000 and so is my wife. We were both college athletes. 0:50:15.239 --> 0:50:19.000 We met down in Kentucky. But we try to compete 0:50:19.040 --> 0:50:21.959 with how much we serve each other. And that really, 0:50:22.880 --> 0:50:26.200 I think is unheard of nowadays because it's all about me, 0:50:26.360 --> 0:50:27.640 me and me. What can you do for me? 0:50:27.880 --> 0:50:29.359 But just for us. 0:50:29.680 --> 0:50:31.839 How we make our marriage work is because we got 0:50:31.960 --> 0:50:34.759 kids too, So we look on social media too and 0:50:34.840 --> 0:50:36.680 we see other people, you know what, they're kids that 0:50:36.800 --> 0:50:39.239 did me and stuff. But you know, we we go 0:50:39.360 --> 0:50:41.719 to King's Island here, like our kid when we make 0:50:41.760 --> 0:50:44.319 it three hours before, they have meltdowns. So we see 0:50:44.360 --> 0:50:47.600 all these pictures, you know, people posting, you know, all 0:50:47.680 --> 0:50:50.680 smiley faces, but they don't see the meltdowns before, you know, 0:50:50.920 --> 0:50:52.759 like getting there and getting out of there. 0:50:52.920 --> 0:50:55.279 So that's just can you can you. 0:50:55.400 --> 0:50:57.240 Tell me that? Because I think that's a great question 0:50:57.360 --> 0:51:00.719 to ask ask the callers. Next you tell me that 0:51:00.840 --> 0:51:02.839 quote where you say you serve each other? 0:51:03.239 --> 0:51:05.759 Can you reiterate we. 0:51:05.920 --> 0:51:08.040 Compete with how much we serve each other. 0:51:08.200 --> 0:51:10.440 So I try to outserve her, and she tries to 0:51:10.520 --> 0:51:14.040 outserve me. So it's, you know, instead of like what 0:51:14.480 --> 0:51:16.960 can you do for me? What can what can I 0:51:17.080 --> 0:51:20.000 do for her? It's, you know, we just try to 0:51:20.040 --> 0:51:21.960 compete with serve and serving each other. 0:51:22.239 --> 0:51:24.759 I mean, is there a better I'm not sure I've 0:51:24.800 --> 0:51:28.120 heard of anything better than that tonight, I honest to goodness. 0:51:28.840 --> 0:51:31.920 We compete with how we serve each other, how well 0:51:32.040 --> 0:51:32.880 we serve each other. 0:51:33.239 --> 0:51:34.920 Like, sweetheart, do you want a cup of coffee? I 0:51:35.000 --> 0:51:35.239 got you. 0:51:35.400 --> 0:51:37.719 Sit down, You've been working all day. Let me, let 0:51:37.800 --> 0:51:40.160 me get your water, Let me get you whatever you need. 0:51:40.239 --> 0:51:41.440 Do you want me to go to the store. Do 0:51:41.480 --> 0:51:43.120 you want me to pick something up? Do you want 0:51:43.120 --> 0:51:44.759 me to take the kids out for an hour? Is 0:51:44.800 --> 0:51:45.799 that what you're talking about? 0:51:45.880 --> 0:51:51.520 John, right exactly. And we're both instuce. We put God first, 0:51:51.600 --> 0:51:54.960 and we had the mentality the closer we grow to God, 0:51:55.040 --> 0:51:58.400 the closer we'll go to each other. So let's just 0:51:58.719 --> 0:51:59.319 try to have a. 0:52:00.920 --> 0:52:07.000 How important is faith doctor Wes. It's very relationships very important. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, 0:52:07.200 --> 0:52:11.239 they're this the spirituality component, uh it. It gives you 0:52:11.400 --> 0:52:14.120 a guide, especially in the Christian faith, that gives you 0:52:14.239 --> 0:52:18.640 a guide. Yeah, I mean that, John, John, that's such 0:52:18.680 --> 0:52:20.840 a great call and I really appreciate it. I couldn't 0:52:20.880 --> 0:52:22.640 agree with you more on the social media and what 0:52:22.760 --> 0:52:25.640 a lovely gesture that you and your wife have. How 0:52:25.640 --> 0:52:26.560 long have you been married? 0:52:27.680 --> 0:52:30.800 We've been married eleven years. And again it's it's not easy, 0:52:31.000 --> 0:52:34.800 you know, it's it's tough. But again when when you 0:52:34.880 --> 0:52:35.960 find the right person and. 0:52:38.800 --> 0:52:39.439 You love them. 0:52:41.200 --> 0:52:42.520 So yeah, I love it. 0:52:42.680 --> 0:52:45.280 Thank you so much for the call, John, These calls 0:52:45.320 --> 0:52:47.680 have been so great tonight and I really appreciate it. 0:52:47.880 --> 0:52:50.840 It's don a Dean doctor wes uh Saturday night. We 0:52:50.960 --> 0:52:53.359 do want you to be interactive with us five one 0:52:53.400 --> 0:52:56.360 three seven four ninety seven thousand, one eight hundred. The 0:52:56.400 --> 0:53:00.800 big one it is, I mean to this segment with 0:53:02.280 --> 0:53:06.000 how to serve one another? And compete with that who's 0:53:06.040 --> 0:53:07.600 gonna get better at like giving? 0:53:08.080 --> 0:53:08.480 Right? 0:53:08.760 --> 0:53:12.000 And he's like, I don't think couples think about that anymore, 0:53:12.200 --> 0:53:14.920 but that is a big deal. It is how can 0:53:15.000 --> 0:53:18.400 we compete with making you? How can I make you happier? 0:53:18.560 --> 0:53:21.320 Like I'm winning. I'm winning at making you happy? 0:53:21.520 --> 0:53:21.680 Right? 0:53:22.120 --> 0:53:23.440 Is there anything better than that? 0:53:24.080 --> 0:53:24.200 Right? 0:53:24.640 --> 0:53:26.719 When we come back, we're going to talk more about that, 0:53:26.960 --> 0:53:30.719 and also with the because he did mention a quote 0:53:30.719 --> 0:53:33.359 we were talking about. Comparison is the thief of joy, kid, 0:53:33.440 --> 0:53:36.840 the thief of contentment, the thief of happiness. Have you 0:53:36.960 --> 0:53:40.360 ever lost a relationship through comparison? And I've got a 0:53:40.480 --> 0:53:43.239 pretty interesting story about that. Five one three seven, nine 0:53:43.320 --> 0:53:51.239 seven thousand, Dona D. Doctor Wes on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Wow, 0:53:51.400 --> 0:53:54.000 all the time is flying by. It's already twenty to eleven. 0:53:54.120 --> 0:53:54.800 It's crazy. 0:53:55.120 --> 0:53:59.800 Donna D and doctor Wes licensed Family marriage therapist added 0:53:59.840 --> 0:54:01.840 to see, you're my buddy. We've known each other for 0:54:01.840 --> 0:54:04.759 a long long time and I always ask you to 0:54:04.800 --> 0:54:07.000 come on with Sterling and I and tonight we're doing 0:54:07.080 --> 0:54:09.480 something different. We have a little bit of a relationship 0:54:09.600 --> 0:54:13.040 show going on. We do want this to be very interactive. 0:54:13.080 --> 0:54:16.080 Five one three, seven four nine hundred the Big One. 0:54:16.160 --> 0:54:20.600 We do have so many great calls tonight and I 0:54:20.760 --> 0:54:23.160 appreciate it. So please, if you want to ask something 0:54:23.760 --> 0:54:26.440 to myself or doctor Wes something about your relationship, you 0:54:26.520 --> 0:54:28.279 don't have to say your name. We know some of 0:54:28.320 --> 0:54:31.360 this stuff can be very personal, so you can just 0:54:31.560 --> 0:54:33.920 make up a name and disguise your voice even if 0:54:33.960 --> 0:54:36.200 you want to, But now is the time to really 0:54:36.280 --> 0:54:39.760 get some advice and get some help and support because 0:54:39.800 --> 0:54:40.600 this isn't easy. 0:54:41.239 --> 0:54:44.040 And we just talked who was it. Who did we 0:54:44.120 --> 0:54:44.440 talk to? 0:54:44.680 --> 0:54:44.799 Oh? 0:54:44.920 --> 0:54:47.960 John, who was such a great caller, and he gave 0:54:48.040 --> 0:54:50.240 the quote where Wes and I talked about this earlier. 0:54:50.360 --> 0:54:53.960 Comparison is the thief of joy and the thief of 0:54:54.080 --> 0:54:57.560 contentment when you're comparing your relationship or your partner with 0:54:57.680 --> 0:55:00.640 somebody else. I mean, at no time, like like the 0:55:00.800 --> 0:55:04.080 present has it been easier for people to jump on 0:55:04.320 --> 0:55:07.520 social media or jump on a dating app and make 0:55:07.560 --> 0:55:08.680 it completely. 0:55:11.120 --> 0:55:14.000 Impossible. Sometimes if you're feeling a. 0:55:14.000 --> 0:55:18.720 Little bored in your relationship or I mean you're annoyed 0:55:18.840 --> 0:55:21.359 with your you know you're going you're annoyed with your 0:55:21.400 --> 0:55:24.560 spouse two weeks, three weeks in a row, and you 0:55:24.680 --> 0:55:26.520 go on social media and you see someone you like 0:55:26.560 --> 0:55:29.719 and you message them. Right, the grass is greener on 0:55:29.840 --> 0:55:34.280 the other side, and it can be hard. How detrimental 0:55:34.520 --> 0:55:37.120 can it be? And John was talking about this about 0:55:37.200 --> 0:55:40.400 social media and all the dating apps. There's fifty of 0:55:40.440 --> 0:55:44.560 them now, I think, how hard is it to lay 0:55:44.640 --> 0:55:47.120 off those things when you're having trouble in your relationship. 0:55:47.640 --> 0:55:51.880 It's detrimental with that to the relationship. How hard is 0:55:51.960 --> 0:55:55.640 it though, I mean it's it's easy. Maybe that wasn't 0:55:55.640 --> 0:55:58.279 the right question, and I think I threw you off 0:55:58.400 --> 0:55:58.640 on that. 0:55:58.920 --> 0:56:04.160 Yeah, hard is it to maintain a relationship and be 0:56:05.040 --> 0:56:08.680 monogamous when there's a million dating apps and social media? 0:56:08.840 --> 0:56:11.520 If you feel like it's not going the right way, sure, 0:56:11.640 --> 0:56:16.040 it's it's really challenging. I think that, Uh, to be quite, 0:56:16.160 --> 0:56:18.279 you know, it's it's the grass is always greener. On 0:56:18.320 --> 0:56:21.520 the other side, it's a dopamine hit, right, We're always 0:56:21.600 --> 0:56:26.319 looking for something new. Novelty is very important in a relationship. 0:56:26.680 --> 0:56:30.239 Couples get bored and they start looking for something new, right, 0:56:30.440 --> 0:56:33.040 or they want to reconnect with old partners, or they 0:56:33.120 --> 0:56:36.279 want to It's very detrimental and it's all about that 0:56:36.480 --> 0:56:38.879 dopamine hit in the brain. Are you one of those 0:56:38.960 --> 0:56:41.719 people that get bored? I have to I have to 0:56:41.920 --> 0:56:45.040 admit that sometimes, you know, sometimes I do get a 0:56:45.040 --> 0:56:47.400 little bored and I nitpick a little bit a little bit. 0:56:47.480 --> 0:56:52.879 I'm trying so hard to as I get older, appreciate 0:56:53.120 --> 0:56:56.200 the things that would drive me nuts in an earlier age. 0:56:56.320 --> 0:56:56.440 Right. 0:56:56.880 --> 0:56:59.480 And I do feel like as you get older, you 0:56:59.680 --> 0:57:02.360 you you really can let some of that stuff go, 0:57:02.880 --> 0:57:03.760 like let us slide. 0:57:04.239 --> 0:57:05.440 What's the big deal if. 0:57:05.320 --> 0:57:07.560 He's chewing loud or he didn't put the pans in 0:57:07.640 --> 0:57:09.600 the dishwasher right right, it's. 0:57:09.520 --> 0:57:12.400 A little And this may be controversial, I don't know, 0:57:12.480 --> 0:57:15.719 but it's I think people can become lazy in relationships 0:57:15.760 --> 0:57:18.439 and they don't want to do the work. They don't 0:57:18.440 --> 0:57:19.760 want to do the work, so they just want to 0:57:19.800 --> 0:57:21.360 go to a dating app and they want to get 0:57:21.560 --> 0:57:25.360 you know, their needs met there, so instead of addressing 0:57:25.400 --> 0:57:29.040 it with their partner and having those hard conversations, they 0:57:29.160 --> 0:57:29.600 even have. 0:57:29.760 --> 0:57:32.480 Those, you know, on Instagram. As I'm talking about social media. 0:57:32.840 --> 0:57:36.000 On Instagram, they'll have this guy walk up to a couple, 0:57:36.080 --> 0:57:37.600 how long have you been dating? Oh? 0:57:37.680 --> 0:57:40.000 About four years? You're happy? Yeah, I'm happy. 0:57:40.320 --> 0:57:42.840 And then he goes, can you see let me see 0:57:42.880 --> 0:57:44.280 your phone and see if one of you is on 0:57:44.360 --> 0:57:46.360 a dating app, and the guy will go sure. Usually 0:57:46.440 --> 0:57:49.040 it's the girl that's on the dating app. It's crazy. 0:57:49.200 --> 0:57:51.000 I mean nine out of ten times it's the girl 0:57:51.040 --> 0:57:53.160 that's on the dating app, and she'll. 0:57:52.960 --> 0:57:54.160 Say, no, I don't want to do it. 0:57:54.600 --> 0:57:56.480 I don't know if any of this stuff is made up, 0:57:56.600 --> 0:57:59.720 but it seems real and it seems like, Wow, somebody 0:57:59.840 --> 0:58:03.480 just got hurt, right, somebody just got broken in front 0:58:03.480 --> 0:58:04.880 of while somebody's filming. 0:58:04.960 --> 0:58:06.160 And the guy is always just. 0:58:06.240 --> 0:58:07.720 Like, how could you do this? 0:58:08.040 --> 0:58:08.840 Why this is you? 0:58:09.200 --> 0:58:11.400 She's like, it's not me. How could you do this 0:58:11.600 --> 0:58:11.840 to me? 0:58:12.120 --> 0:58:14.760 But why is she on the dating app? Why is 0:58:14.800 --> 0:58:15.320 she on there? 0:58:15.480 --> 0:58:20.120 Because she can be she has other opportunities. Yeah, it's terrible, 0:58:20.520 --> 0:58:24.680 but it's it's because she's Is she getting her needs met? 0:58:24.960 --> 0:58:28.320 Does she communicate what her needs are? Does the couple 0:58:28.400 --> 0:58:30.560 really talk about that? A lot of couples I work 0:58:30.600 --> 0:58:33.080 with they don't talk about what they really need. 0:58:33.720 --> 0:58:37.040 That's because they get comfortable. She loves me, I love her. 0:58:37.280 --> 0:58:39.800 Let's just sit on the couch and order do or dash, right, 0:58:40.000 --> 0:58:42.880 I mean, is there a way that you can you 0:58:42.960 --> 0:58:43.600 can say. 0:58:43.480 --> 0:58:45.040 Look, I'm gonna get on it. 0:58:45.320 --> 0:58:47.520 I mean, just be honest about it. I'm gonna get 0:58:47.560 --> 0:58:50.320 on a dating app if you don't hang out with 0:58:50.440 --> 0:58:52.080 me and go out with my friends and let's plan 0:58:52.200 --> 0:58:54.919 a trip or let's go see a movie or something. 0:58:55.040 --> 0:58:57.040 Let's get out of the house. Let's go to Bill 0:58:57.400 --> 0:59:00.360 from Coleraine Township way in here five and three four 0:59:00.440 --> 0:59:03.280 ninety seven thousand. We do want to hear from you. Bill, 0:59:04.320 --> 0:59:07.360 thanks for calling. You're on with Donnade and doctor Wes. 0:59:07.480 --> 0:59:08.000 What's going on? 0:59:09.360 --> 0:59:16.479 Good evening, Hi, Hi. I'm in a situation to where 0:59:18.280 --> 0:59:24.920 I have lukemia diagnosed five years ago and I was 0:59:25.000 --> 0:59:32.360 in Florida with my wife. She had a granddaughter from along, 0:59:32.480 --> 0:59:36.520 which is my step granddaughter, who I absolutely love dearly. 0:59:37.840 --> 0:59:43.920 She's six years old. I can't get anywhere in this relationship. 0:59:45.280 --> 0:59:50.000 My wife is an alcoholic, just got a lot of 0:59:50.120 --> 0:59:52.640 things going on, and I'm to the point where I 0:59:52.720 --> 0:59:53.760 don't know what the hell. 0:59:53.680 --> 0:59:54.280 To do next. 0:59:56.800 --> 0:59:58.520 How long have you been with her, Bill. 1:00:00.480 --> 1:00:03.439 We've been married thirteen years. 1:00:03.440 --> 1:00:07.120 And then have you tried talking to her and saying, listen, 1:00:07.280 --> 1:00:08.640 I'm at my WIT's end. 1:00:09.880 --> 1:00:12.560 I have told her I'm at my wits end, even 1:00:12.760 --> 1:00:18.760 threatened to walk out. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It just 1:00:18.840 --> 1:00:19.840 absolutely doesn't matter. 1:00:19.960 --> 1:00:22.840 She does she not? Does she not respond? How does 1:00:22.880 --> 1:00:23.720 she respond to that? 1:00:25.800 --> 1:00:28.840 I don't know if she does respond, other than she'll 1:00:28.880 --> 1:00:34.160 go over her daughter's house, which that's a whole other issue. 1:00:35.640 --> 1:00:41.200 And She'll stay Friday night, Saturday night, come home Sunday 1:00:42.720 --> 1:00:49.160 with a step granddaughter, her granddaughter, and I'm just I'm 1:00:49.200 --> 1:00:50.080 beside myself. 1:00:50.680 --> 1:00:52.480 I can tell I can, I can hear it, and 1:00:52.720 --> 1:00:55.520 and and oftentimes Bill, if you've been if you've been 1:00:55.600 --> 1:00:57.920 doing it for a while with her, you can make 1:00:58.000 --> 1:01:00.480 yourself sick. And I know that you've got lukie or 1:01:01.200 --> 1:01:05.000 I'm so sorry that you're going through that. And but 1:01:05.160 --> 1:01:08.320 behavior is a language, right doctor Wes. If he's reaching 1:01:08.400 --> 1:01:11.760 out and saying, I'm I am having a hard time 1:01:12.480 --> 1:01:15.000 connecting with you, and I am I'm I'm at the 1:01:15.080 --> 1:01:17.840 point where I am done, And she doesn't care. 1:01:17.960 --> 1:01:19.160 It sounds like stonewalling. 1:01:19.680 --> 1:01:23.640 It does sound like stonewalling from from her on on 1:01:23.800 --> 1:01:27.880 her end, right, Yeah, she she walks out, she goes away, 1:01:28.400 --> 1:01:31.800 leaves him to his thoughts, comes back on Sunday, and 1:01:32.000 --> 1:01:34.520 then there's then she just what Bill stays in the 1:01:34.560 --> 1:01:36.280 house and you guys don't address it again. 1:01:37.520 --> 1:01:40.840 Yeah, basically Monday through Friday, she's working. I have a 1:01:40.960 --> 1:01:46.840 part time job. It's it's just I don't I said. 1:01:48.280 --> 1:01:50.560 At this point, I'm sorry, I can hear it. 1:01:50.720 --> 1:01:55.320 Other than walking out and I'm living a six year 1:01:55.360 --> 1:01:59.440 old who like dear we love we are raised in 1:01:59.560 --> 1:02:04.520 just six year old because of her daughter, her act together. 1:02:07.960 --> 1:02:08.240 Wes. 1:02:08.400 --> 1:02:09.560 What do you think he should do? 1:02:09.920 --> 1:02:12.080 Bill? Bill, thank you so much for the call. We 1:02:12.240 --> 1:02:15.600 really appreciate it. What what do you think Bill should do? 1:02:16.720 --> 1:02:16.880 You know? 1:02:16.960 --> 1:02:20.120 I think have you tried couple's therapy or is that 1:02:20.280 --> 1:02:20.760 not an option? 1:02:21.840 --> 1:02:22.240 I have not. 1:02:23.840 --> 1:02:24.080 Have not? 1:02:24.600 --> 1:02:27.320 Do you think she would be would she be willing 1:02:27.440 --> 1:02:27.920 to try it? 1:02:28.080 --> 1:02:28.280 Bill? 1:02:30.400 --> 1:02:30.720 I don't. 1:02:30.840 --> 1:02:35.280 I can't answer that straight forward or other. I don't 1:02:35.320 --> 1:02:37.080 know if she would or not. I don't know. 1:02:40.000 --> 1:02:42.560 If you said for the health of our six year 1:02:42.640 --> 1:02:45.440 old that we're taking care of, can we go and 1:02:45.640 --> 1:02:49.800 speak to somebody because you're your drinking is out of control. 1:02:50.080 --> 1:02:53.479 I'm getting sicker by the moment and we're looking after 1:02:53.600 --> 1:02:58.160 this this little girl who needs us. Can we be 1:02:58.600 --> 1:03:02.560 some sort of role models for this little girl and 1:03:02.760 --> 1:03:05.360 both try Can you talk to her like that? Bill? 1:03:07.880 --> 1:03:08.840 I guess I could. 1:03:10.600 --> 1:03:12.880 You got to go for it because at this point 1:03:13.200 --> 1:03:14.560 you have nothing else to lose. 1:03:15.160 --> 1:03:19.040 So instead of like it maybe not threatening, maybe take 1:03:19.080 --> 1:03:20.480 the positive root. 1:03:20.840 --> 1:03:22.160 We talked about that earlier. 1:03:22.240 --> 1:03:26.560 Docus right, So if he goes in a positive room, listen, 1:03:26.800 --> 1:03:29.040 we still have things we can fight for, and it's 1:03:29.160 --> 1:03:30.919 including this six year old little girl. 1:03:31.200 --> 1:03:33.200 I'm willing to fight for this relationship. 1:03:33.280 --> 1:03:34.320 Are you right? 1:03:34.840 --> 1:03:37.320 And get your answer, and if she says no or 1:03:37.400 --> 1:03:40.560 anything other than yes, then I would suggest you go 1:03:40.720 --> 1:03:43.320 get counseling for yourself and do whatever you can for 1:03:43.440 --> 1:03:45.640 your six that six year old little girl. 1:03:45.800 --> 1:03:50.400 That's my advice. Thank you, Bill, Thank you so much. 1:03:50.440 --> 1:03:53.080 I'm gonna send you so much energy, positive energy, and 1:03:53.120 --> 1:03:55.400 good luck. I mean, this happens all the time, wes. 1:03:55.480 --> 1:03:59.880 When when there's somebody that cares and wants to work 1:04:00.040 --> 1:04:02.400 on the relationship and the other one is just like 1:04:03.040 --> 1:04:05.360 why why is why is his wife still in this? 1:04:05.800 --> 1:04:08.439 Why is she there? And we don't know both sides 1:04:08.480 --> 1:04:08.880 of the story. 1:04:09.040 --> 1:04:12.560 We don't, we don't, but it's it's I'm suspicious of 1:04:12.800 --> 1:04:17.960 attachment injuries or attachment wounds, So that would be I'm 1:04:18.000 --> 1:04:20.440 really curious, and I'd be asking her on her end, 1:04:21.200 --> 1:04:24.640 what happened in this relationship that caused you to disconnect 1:04:24.800 --> 1:04:28.480 from your partner and then turn towards Was it the 1:04:28.600 --> 1:04:31.960 daughter that she turns towards, turns towards other family members 1:04:32.440 --> 1:04:36.000 to get emotional needs met yeah, right, or just to 1:04:36.120 --> 1:04:37.240 get space from him. 1:04:37.520 --> 1:04:40.400 It sounds like, you know, maybe he's not saying it 1:04:40.520 --> 1:04:43.560 the right way, but you can tell, we can tell 1:04:43.760 --> 1:04:47.280 just by talking to him for a moment that he's 1:04:47.320 --> 1:04:48.080 at his WIT's end. 1:04:48.280 --> 1:04:51.320 Well, he's hurting, he's deeply hurting, right, and he's at it. Yeah, 1:04:51.480 --> 1:04:54.000 you're right, he's at his what ends too? And and 1:04:54.200 --> 1:04:59.000 so and meanwhile it sounds like she's stonewalling and and 1:04:59.120 --> 1:05:03.040 that's totally invalidating and hurting him even more. Right, So 1:05:03.160 --> 1:05:05.320 he's stuck in he's stuck in this pattern. It's a 1:05:05.400 --> 1:05:09.520 pursue withdraw pattern perhaps, right, where the more he pursues, 1:05:09.600 --> 1:05:13.920 the more she withdraws. Right, And so a couple's therapists 1:05:13.960 --> 1:05:18.920 could help to under to uncover what is the primary 1:05:19.040 --> 1:05:23.320 emotion that is not being shared that she's feeling, right, 1:05:23.600 --> 1:05:24.800 So how do you uncover that? 1:05:24.960 --> 1:05:25.880 What can he say? 1:05:26.200 --> 1:05:28.960 I mean, I mean, you can try the positive route. 1:05:29.000 --> 1:05:31.920 We've got this six year old that we've been left 1:05:32.400 --> 1:05:36.040 to take care of. She needs us, and that could 1:05:36.160 --> 1:05:38.880 be some motivation if you can put it that way. 1:05:39.400 --> 1:05:43.200 But what can he say to her that will snap 1:05:43.320 --> 1:05:44.000 her out of it? 1:05:44.280 --> 1:05:50.040 I think validating her emotions, so so asking open ended questions. 1:05:50.400 --> 1:05:54.160 I'm curious, you know, I've noticed that you you know 1:05:54.320 --> 1:05:56.680 you you leave and you retreat and you go to 1:05:57.280 --> 1:06:01.000 other family members. I'm wondering, what's happening for you in 1:06:01.120 --> 1:06:03.440 our really between the two of us, that causes you 1:06:03.560 --> 1:06:06.120 to do that, What's happening for you? What are you 1:06:06.280 --> 1:06:11.320 feeling at your core? Those types of open ended questions 1:06:11.520 --> 1:06:16.000 and then listening and then echoing back what she said, 1:06:16.360 --> 1:06:19.920 and that validates it. She may not feel heard. I 1:06:20.000 --> 1:06:22.920 don't know, we don't know the story right, but I 1:06:23.040 --> 1:06:25.240 definitely think that it it would need to start with 1:06:26.680 --> 1:06:31.280 just just approaching it by saying, I'm hurting. We got 1:06:31.400 --> 1:06:33.120 to make it. We can't, we can't make it all. 1:06:33.280 --> 1:06:36.040 We can't blame her in any way, no, right. 1:06:36.520 --> 1:06:40.160 No, But the pain that I heard in that guy 1:06:40.240 --> 1:06:44.760 Bill's voice, our caller, I mean, I'm reminded of this 1:06:44.960 --> 1:06:47.840 time I went to this church in San Francisco. 1:06:47.880 --> 1:06:49.120 It was a long long time ago. 1:06:49.160 --> 1:06:50.600 It was called the Glide Church, and there was a 1:06:50.720 --> 1:06:55.480 visiting pastor and he he he was talking about learning 1:06:56.160 --> 1:06:59.880 life's lessons and he said, he said, if I want 1:06:59.920 --> 1:07:03.080 to learn something, don't sit me next to a scholar 1:07:03.400 --> 1:07:07.200 that's been you know, go in school for fifteen twenty years. 1:07:07.520 --> 1:07:09.720 Sit me next to somebody who's loved and lost, and 1:07:09.840 --> 1:07:14.240 I'm gonna learn something. That guy had pain. He had pain. 1:07:14.360 --> 1:07:17.400 I could feel it in his heart, was in his 1:07:17.640 --> 1:07:22.440 throat talking about it, and he once, this is it. 1:07:22.640 --> 1:07:24.120 Just happens all the time. 1:07:24.440 --> 1:07:25.160 She's shut down. 1:07:25.400 --> 1:07:28.000 She is shut down, and he doesn't know how to 1:07:28.200 --> 1:07:31.400 connect with her. It's almost like, do you remember And 1:07:31.480 --> 1:07:34.600 this is so cliche, but The Office is one of 1:07:34.640 --> 1:07:38.840 my favorite sitcoms, and it was when when Pam and 1:07:39.080 --> 1:07:45.400 Jim were really disconnected and she said goodbye and he 1:07:45.600 --> 1:07:47.280 was going to leave, and then he turned around and 1:07:47.520 --> 1:07:51.160 hugged her and hugged her for a long time and 1:07:51.400 --> 1:07:54.520 just wrapped his arms around her and gave her the 1:07:54.520 --> 1:07:59.000 biggest tut until she melted. And it feels like it 1:07:59.080 --> 1:08:01.920 feels like his wife needs to be hugged. Yeah, she 1:08:02.120 --> 1:08:05.120 needs the She needs it to be hugged until she 1:08:05.240 --> 1:08:07.080 can't be bitter anymore. 1:08:07.320 --> 1:08:10.040 Right, she needs That's right, she needs. 1:08:10.120 --> 1:08:13.120 Some of us just need that long hug to say 1:08:13.240 --> 1:08:16.120 I love you instead of putting up my guard all 1:08:16.160 --> 1:08:16.720 the time with you. 1:08:16.880 --> 1:08:17.920 Whatever. Bill's done. 1:08:17.960 --> 1:08:21.400 He's probably done stuff too, but I mean he's he's 1:08:21.600 --> 1:08:24.080 they've been going back and forth and she's put a 1:08:24.120 --> 1:08:26.360 guard up and now she's like it's armor. 1:08:26.800 --> 1:08:31.439 Yeah, there's an attachment injury, an attachment wound, and until 1:08:31.680 --> 1:08:35.240 that wound has been identified and talked through, I think 1:08:35.280 --> 1:08:36.360 this pattern continues. 1:08:37.000 --> 1:08:39.519 And so the best way to get to that point, 1:08:39.640 --> 1:08:42.439 the best way to get to that that open wound, 1:08:42.640 --> 1:08:46.439 is to say what have I done or what are 1:08:46.560 --> 1:08:47.320 you feeling? 1:08:47.880 --> 1:08:49.360 What do you need from me? 1:08:49.560 --> 1:08:53.479 I'll open tell me And you can't be defensive, and 1:08:53.600 --> 1:08:56.320 you can't. You have to literally sit back and listen 1:08:56.400 --> 1:09:01.400 if you care, if you care, what is what? Couples 1:09:01.520 --> 1:09:05.000 need to hear this so bad. Not even just couples. 1:09:05.200 --> 1:09:10.400 I'm talking about sisters, mothers, brothers, friends. If you are offended, 1:09:10.560 --> 1:09:14.439 if you get offended when you are talking to somebody 1:09:14.560 --> 1:09:17.720 that you love, the conversation ends. 1:09:17.880 --> 1:09:18.440 Absolutely. 1:09:19.160 --> 1:09:22.120 You literally cannot go any further. If you were like, 1:09:22.240 --> 1:09:23.080 what did you mean by that? 1:09:23.280 --> 1:09:25.760 It's you. You can't do you language. You have to 1:09:25.880 --> 1:09:27.080 use eye language, right. 1:09:27.479 --> 1:09:29.599 But Wes, if I were to say to you, if 1:09:29.640 --> 1:09:31.280 we were talking and we were in a little bit 1:09:31.280 --> 1:09:33.000 of an argument, if I were to say, you know what, 1:09:33.720 --> 1:09:35.680 every time I hear that tone in your voice, I 1:09:35.920 --> 1:09:37.000 absolutely cringe. 1:09:37.280 --> 1:09:39.919 Yeah, I'm done, I'm done, I'm checked out of the conversation. 1:09:40.840 --> 1:09:44.640 That's it, right, But what if what if you were 1:09:44.720 --> 1:09:46.720 to say in response to me? 1:09:47.439 --> 1:09:51.400 What if you were to say, I understand your hurt Yep, 1:09:52.120 --> 1:09:55.400 I'm trying not to take that personally, Ken. Is there 1:09:55.439 --> 1:09:57.160 a way that we can talk to each other that 1:09:57.320 --> 1:09:59.840 I can I want to listen to you. Can you 1:10:00.080 --> 1:10:01.880 speak to me in a way that I can hear 1:10:02.000 --> 1:10:06.040 you without this huge defensive wall that's going to come 1:10:06.160 --> 1:10:08.880 up the second you say my voice makes you want 1:10:08.920 --> 1:10:12.040 to cringe because that hurts. And if you're trying to 1:10:12.080 --> 1:10:14.280 hurt me, you just did. And I want us to 1:10:14.360 --> 1:10:18.320 get through this, right. That's not getting offended right now. 1:10:18.360 --> 1:10:23.640 The offensive side is you always criticize, you always this 1:10:23.960 --> 1:10:24.120 or you. 1:10:24.600 --> 1:10:26.960 It's a harsh startup versus a soft startup is what 1:10:27.040 --> 1:10:31.080 you're talking about there, Yes, a soft startup is using 1:10:31.400 --> 1:10:36.800 a softer language, lowering the voice right, and remembering that 1:10:36.880 --> 1:10:39.920 we're on a team. We're on a team. I love you, 1:10:40.160 --> 1:10:44.400 I care for you. I'm really concerned about our disconnection 1:10:44.560 --> 1:10:48.800 here and I really want to get to understand what's 1:10:48.840 --> 1:10:51.200 happening for you right now, because you. 1:10:51.760 --> 1:10:55.080 Know when your partner is out of whack, you know 1:10:55.400 --> 1:10:58.559 when they're pissed, and you know when they need space, 1:10:58.880 --> 1:11:00.240 so help them along with that. 1:11:00.479 --> 1:11:02.240 I get it you're upset. I get it. 1:11:02.840 --> 1:11:06.120 I'm upset too. I'm gonna try and be the voice 1:11:06.160 --> 1:11:08.920 of reason and talk. So let it. I want you 1:11:09.000 --> 1:11:12.280 to let it out, but please use your words. Don't 1:11:12.479 --> 1:11:17.080 be so harsh and cutting. Just try your best to 1:11:17.240 --> 1:11:20.240 help me listen to you so that we can work 1:11:20.360 --> 1:11:20.680 through this. 1:11:21.320 --> 1:11:22.200 It's the problem. 1:11:22.360 --> 1:11:25.760 It's not us we're it's us against the problem, not 1:11:25.960 --> 1:11:26.640 us against us. 1:11:26.760 --> 1:11:27.200 That's right. 1:11:27.640 --> 1:11:30.840 Oh my gosh, I can talk this stuff all night long. 1:11:30.920 --> 1:11:33.960 And Wes, it's already ten fifty five, it's almost to 1:11:34.040 --> 1:11:35.840 the top of the hour. It's don A d Doctor 1:11:35.920 --> 1:11:39.559 Wes Saturday night coming up. There are some really good 1:11:39.720 --> 1:11:44.400 green flags in a relationship. We have three really critical, 1:11:44.840 --> 1:11:47.760 healthy green flags that if you have this going on 1:11:47.880 --> 1:11:49.920 in your relationship, you're doing good and we want to 1:11:49.960 --> 1:11:51.760 hear from you. So five one, three, seven, four, nine, 1:11:52.040 --> 1:11:54.439 seven thousand when we get back, what is the best 1:11:54.520 --> 1:11:58.800 thing about your relationship? Donna D Doctor Wes. It's seven 1:11:58.920 --> 1:12:05.280 hundred WLW, Cincinnati, Saturday Night. We're I can't believe in 1:12:05.320 --> 1:12:10.240 the eleven o'clock Donna d and Doctor Wes, seven hundred WLW. 1:12:10.520 --> 1:12:13.400 Look up at the moon. Look up at the moon 1:12:13.520 --> 1:12:15.280 and know how small we are. 1:12:15.560 --> 1:12:17.800 Look at the stars. I mean, it's a big, beautiful moon. 1:12:17.880 --> 1:12:21.000 And it's so nice to be reminded and be humbled 1:12:21.160 --> 1:12:25.600 that it's not all about us, us, us, me me, me, me, 1:12:25.720 --> 1:12:29.840 me right. It's there's a big, beautiful universe out there 1:12:30.120 --> 1:12:32.880 and we are just a tiny tiny bit of it. 1:12:34.320 --> 1:12:36.680 So we've been talking about relationships. This is kind of 1:12:36.720 --> 1:12:41.080 a different show and on seven hundred I'm super happy 1:12:41.120 --> 1:12:42.800 to be talking about it and I can talk about 1:12:42.840 --> 1:12:45.559 this forever. I'm so happy to have my partner, doctor Wes, 1:12:45.680 --> 1:12:49.280 with me. We've known each other speaking of relationships. Is 1:12:49.360 --> 1:12:50.400 it thirty years now? 1:12:50.880 --> 1:12:53.000 It's yeah, yeah. 1:12:53.520 --> 1:12:54.000 I mean. 1:12:55.400 --> 1:12:57.840 Used to be a program director for Kiss FM and 1:12:57.920 --> 1:12:59.760 Dayton and that's how we knew each other. I was 1:12:59.800 --> 1:13:02.880 so program director for KISSFM here in Cincinnati. We've been 1:13:02.920 --> 1:13:05.760 in radio for a long long time. You went a 1:13:05.840 --> 1:13:08.080 little bit of a different route and you went and 1:13:08.280 --> 1:13:13.360 got your doctorate, your licensed marriage family therapist in the 1:13:13.479 --> 1:13:17.320 state of Tennessee. And we have you on quite a 1:13:17.360 --> 1:13:20.280 bit on the show because we want to help sort 1:13:20.400 --> 1:13:23.720 some things that are hard. I mean, if you get 1:13:23.760 --> 1:13:27.719 past the age of twenty and probably earlier, you probably 1:13:27.880 --> 1:13:31.400 dealt with a heartbreak of some sort. But even before, 1:13:31.600 --> 1:13:37.120 it's mother daughter relationships, mother, father, brother, sister, friends, and 1:13:37.320 --> 1:13:40.720 how to communicate is one of the greatest skills. And 1:13:40.840 --> 1:13:46.519 even beyond that, emotional awareness, because it really doesn't matter 1:13:47.240 --> 1:13:50.479 what other people do, it's how you respond. It's all 1:13:50.640 --> 1:13:55.920 about how you respond to situations that come into your life. 1:13:55.960 --> 1:13:59.160 So if you can understand your emotions and how to 1:13:59.320 --> 1:14:02.479 regulate them, then you'd be able to talk to anybody. 1:14:02.600 --> 1:14:03.280 That's the most part. 1:14:03.400 --> 1:14:05.680 Yes, Yes, emotional regulation absolutely. 1:14:05.880 --> 1:14:08.120 So Esther Perez, we both really like her has a 1:14:08.200 --> 1:14:10.400 quote the quality of your life is determined by the 1:14:10.479 --> 1:14:13.960 quality of your relationships. So how deep are your relationships, 1:14:14.080 --> 1:14:19.760 how much? How much can you share and how much 1:14:19.840 --> 1:14:21.960 can you listen to your partner? 1:14:22.120 --> 1:14:22.280 Right? 1:14:22.400 --> 1:14:27.439 How honest? How important is honesty in a relationship with. 1:14:28.160 --> 1:14:31.000 Oh, it's it's the deal. It's either you have it 1:14:31.120 --> 1:14:32.840 or you don't. It's a deal breaker. If you don't 1:14:32.880 --> 1:14:33.120 have it. 1:14:33.400 --> 1:14:36.280 I mean, like, how honest should you be? 1:14:36.439 --> 1:14:39.719 All right, let's just say you've been married for fifteen 1:14:39.800 --> 1:14:42.880 years and you're still attracted to your husband or wife. No, 1:14:43.160 --> 1:14:46.000 but you say, you know what, sweetheart, you really need 1:14:46.120 --> 1:14:48.800 to maybe get a little bit healthier. You've been eating 1:14:48.840 --> 1:14:50.760 a little bad. You need to get to the gym. 1:14:51.439 --> 1:14:54.320 And if somebody, if you can't say that to your 1:14:54.840 --> 1:14:59.000 person and they get offended, how likely are you going 1:14:59.080 --> 1:15:02.040 to be able to say you hurt my feelings when 1:15:02.160 --> 1:15:04.000 you were talking bad about me at dinner the other 1:15:04.120 --> 1:15:05.080 night in front of our friends. 1:15:05.200 --> 1:15:08.519 Right, Yeah, you have to lead with emotions. I think 1:15:08.560 --> 1:15:10.559 if I was going to have that conversation, I would say, 1:15:10.640 --> 1:15:13.840 you know, I love you and I care deeply for you, right, 1:15:14.000 --> 1:15:17.880 And because I love you so deeply, i'm you know, 1:15:18.000 --> 1:15:21.320 I just was curious what you are thinking, or I 1:15:21.840 --> 1:15:24.479 wouldn't say that I'm curious what your thoughts might be 1:15:24.680 --> 1:15:25.880 about your health right now? 1:15:26.400 --> 1:15:26.519 Right? 1:15:27.080 --> 1:15:29.960 And instead it comes out with like all you do 1:15:30.360 --> 1:15:32.640 is wear these baggy sweatpants all the time, and I 1:15:32.680 --> 1:15:34.519 wish you would dress up a little bit. 1:15:34.520 --> 1:15:36.120 For me so that you can be attracted. 1:15:36.240 --> 1:15:38.960 That's a harsh startup. That's a harsh startup. Yeah, but 1:15:39.120 --> 1:15:41.200 sometimes we talk to each other that way. 1:15:41.360 --> 1:15:44.280 Yeah, and that is hurtful, and that is a cut 1:15:45.040 --> 1:15:46.960 that it will just keep adding up. 1:15:47.840 --> 1:15:52.280 Is it realistic when you live with somebody and you've 1:15:52.320 --> 1:15:55.360 got kids, and you've got dogs and cats and whatever 1:15:55.840 --> 1:16:00.200 to say I'm curious to see if your regards and 1:16:00.240 --> 1:16:02.559 your health. I mean, that is the nicest possible way 1:16:02.640 --> 1:16:04.519 to say it. But is it realistic to be able 1:16:04.560 --> 1:16:08.280 to do that? So, I mean, how do we get ourselves? 1:16:09.640 --> 1:16:13.680 How do we get ourselves to better communication instead of 1:16:13.760 --> 1:16:18.280 going from you look like a slob? Or how what 1:16:18.400 --> 1:16:21.519 are the steps we can take to getting to the 1:16:21.600 --> 1:16:24.120 way you just said it? And how you can you 1:16:24.280 --> 1:16:27.439 can speak so eloquently to your partner? 1:16:27.920 --> 1:16:30.120 Well, I think you have empathy. You have to have 1:16:30.280 --> 1:16:32.720 empathy before you speak. You have to you have to 1:16:32.800 --> 1:16:34.800 put yourself in their shoes. How are they going to 1:16:34.840 --> 1:16:38.240 feel if I say this to them? And so many 1:16:38.360 --> 1:16:42.360 couples because life is moving so fast, they lose empathy. 1:16:42.400 --> 1:16:45.160 They flip their lid. They flip their lid, and that's 1:16:45.200 --> 1:16:47.479 where like they're I don't want to go into too 1:16:47.560 --> 1:16:49.400 much of the science of it, but essentially the part 1:16:49.400 --> 1:16:51.960 of the brain that helps regulate their emotions goes offline. 1:16:52.479 --> 1:16:54.600 They go into a fight fight or freeze response, and. 1:16:54.600 --> 1:16:56.240 They just tint because they feel attacked. 1:16:56.320 --> 1:16:59.240 Yeah, because they feel attacked or they feel afraid, they 1:16:59.280 --> 1:17:01.720 feel like they're partner's not taking care of themselves to 1:17:01.840 --> 1:17:05.519 use that example, right, And and they're feeling fear, they 1:17:05.640 --> 1:17:08.320 get angry about it and they just they just mouth 1:17:08.400 --> 1:17:08.880 off about it. 1:17:09.040 --> 1:17:09.160 Right. 1:17:09.800 --> 1:17:13.360 So, and and it's funny that you said empathy because 1:17:13.760 --> 1:17:18.920 we were getting into the three green flags to a 1:17:19.040 --> 1:17:22.519 critical healthy relationship. There are three things that you can do. 1:17:22.680 --> 1:17:25.599 I was listening to Mel Robbins podcast, which I think 1:17:26.160 --> 1:17:29.000 she's she's great and she's got a new book out 1:17:30.080 --> 1:17:32.640 called That Let Them, but her podcast is exceptional. 1:17:32.720 --> 1:17:33.679 I really do agree. 1:17:34.400 --> 1:17:37.600 But she she has three green flags she says that 1:17:37.680 --> 1:17:39.439 are critical to a healthy relationship. 1:17:39.520 --> 1:17:42.559 The first thing is growth. You have to be willing 1:17:42.680 --> 1:17:43.799 to grow with your partner. 1:17:44.360 --> 1:17:48.160 Because if I want to get stronger, and I want 1:17:48.160 --> 1:17:51.720 to get more emotional awareness and more emotional regulation, and 1:17:51.840 --> 1:17:54.400 I want to be a better partner, if I don't 1:17:54.439 --> 1:17:56.320 have somebody that's going to grow with me, how is 1:17:56.360 --> 1:17:59.080 that going to work? Yeah, So, that's kind of a 1:17:59.120 --> 1:18:01.800 big deal. So that's green flag if you both are 1:18:01.880 --> 1:18:06.960 willing to grow together. The other green flag is kindness, Yeah, 1:18:07.600 --> 1:18:12.479 and gentleness, be kind right right, I mean we forget 1:18:12.640 --> 1:18:15.120 that that's such a big deal, and not just in 1:18:15.680 --> 1:18:20.799 your your partnerships and your relationships with with your sister, 1:18:21.040 --> 1:18:24.040 your mother, your be kind, but be kind and you 1:18:24.160 --> 1:18:26.760 can practice it everywhere you go. Be kind at the 1:18:26.800 --> 1:18:29.400 gas station, be kind at Trader Joe's, be kind that 1:18:29.880 --> 1:18:33.240 you know, wherever you go you can practice and people 1:18:33.320 --> 1:18:38.240 are open to it. They're open to being given kindness 1:18:38.479 --> 1:18:42.240 and they're open to giving kindness too. The kinder you are, 1:18:42.880 --> 1:18:45.200 that's what you're going to receive. And when you do 1:18:45.360 --> 1:18:51.400 that in a relationship, it's it's it seems trivial to oh, 1:18:51.640 --> 1:18:53.280 just be kind, that's a green flag, but it's a 1:18:53.360 --> 1:18:54.120 really big deal. 1:18:54.360 --> 1:18:57.200 That's a absolutely and it needs to be grounded in 1:18:57.840 --> 1:19:00.519 friendship too and admiration for each other. 1:19:00.560 --> 1:19:03.400 Right right. And the third thing where you said empathy 1:19:03.600 --> 1:19:05.719 is compassion, So it's growth. 1:19:06.200 --> 1:19:07.960 You got to grow together. You have to be kind 1:19:08.360 --> 1:19:10.439 to one another instead of angry and mean. I mean 1:19:10.520 --> 1:19:13.719 you're like we both can understand, like the difference between 1:19:14.200 --> 1:19:17.479 somebody that is angry all the time or that is 1:19:17.560 --> 1:19:20.560 somebody kind. That is an enormous difference. There's like a 1:19:20.760 --> 1:19:25.160 mountain of difference between those. And if somebody's angry all 1:19:25.240 --> 1:19:28.599 the time, then it's really really hard to get along 1:19:28.680 --> 1:19:29.560 with somebody like that. 1:19:29.800 --> 1:19:33.320 If they're angry, they're emotionally constipated. It's what I say, Okay, 1:19:33.560 --> 1:19:35.120 what does what does that mean? 1:19:35.200 --> 1:19:36.280 They stuff everything? 1:19:36.479 --> 1:19:39.720 They stuff everything underneath. Anger is a secondary emotion. It's 1:19:39.760 --> 1:19:45.880 not the first thing that you feel. You feel fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame. 1:19:46.000 --> 1:19:50.120 There's a primary emotion that you are feeling underneath the anger, 1:19:50.520 --> 1:19:53.080 but you don't show it. You show the anger. 1:19:53.920 --> 1:19:58.320 So behind deep anger right, first of all, five one, three, seven, four, 1:19:58.400 --> 1:20:01.519 nine hundred the big and we want you to call us. 1:20:01.640 --> 1:20:03.760 We want this to be a very interactive show. 1:20:04.640 --> 1:20:06.800 We are going to be doing this on most Saturdays, 1:20:07.120 --> 1:20:09.200 so please feel free to call in. We want to 1:20:09.280 --> 1:20:12.040 know what is working for you. What are the green 1:20:12.160 --> 1:20:15.680 flags in your relationship? What I mean, tell us what 1:20:16.200 --> 1:20:19.439 at least one thing that you have going on in 1:20:19.520 --> 1:20:22.120 your life and in your relationship that you're doing right. 1:20:22.200 --> 1:20:24.960 We've talked a lot about you know how people can 1:20:25.040 --> 1:20:27.280 mess it up. We really want to end on a 1:20:27.400 --> 1:20:31.880 positive note on how people are doing doing well in 1:20:31.960 --> 1:20:34.439 their relationship. Is it the kindness? Do you make an 1:20:34.479 --> 1:20:37.479 effort to be kind? Do you make an effort to 1:20:38.320 --> 1:20:40.320 grow with your partner? Do you evolve? 1:20:40.439 --> 1:20:41.679 What was John said? 1:20:42.080 --> 1:20:45.320 He competes he the way that he competes with his 1:20:45.520 --> 1:20:48.840 wife is that they compete on how much they serve 1:20:49.040 --> 1:20:50.559 each other, which I loved. 1:20:51.600 --> 1:20:53.480 So the third thing is compassion. 1:20:53.680 --> 1:20:58.360 So it's growth, kindness and compassion, stepping out of your 1:20:58.439 --> 1:21:01.280 own perspective. What you've been saying all night, West, you 1:21:01.479 --> 1:21:04.200 got to give You got to be able to get 1:21:04.240 --> 1:21:07.320 out of your head and look at your partners and 1:21:07.439 --> 1:21:11.759 where they coming from in this situation, especially in an argument. 1:21:11.960 --> 1:21:14.400 Yeah, especially especially in an argument. 1:21:14.400 --> 1:21:17.040 And if you don't have compassion, what is the opposite 1:21:17.080 --> 1:21:17.760 of compassion? 1:21:18.360 --> 1:21:19.000 What do I think? 1:21:19.080 --> 1:21:20.559 That's fear? In my opinion? 1:21:20.840 --> 1:21:25.960 Yeah, so, so fear and compassion would be resentment. Wouldn't 1:21:25.960 --> 1:21:29.680 resentment be uh uh the opposite of that? Let's go 1:21:29.760 --> 1:21:33.280 to Zach and Hamilton. Hey, Zach, you're on with Donna, 1:21:33.360 --> 1:21:35.400 Dee and doctor West. Thanks for Colin. Are you having 1:21:35.400 --> 1:21:36.400 a good Saturday night. 1:21:37.560 --> 1:21:42.120 Oh absolutely, Uh, just got done fishing, got done cleaning 1:21:42.200 --> 1:21:43.559 the fish, and I'm heading home. 1:21:43.680 --> 1:21:43.840 Now. 1:21:44.439 --> 1:21:45.720 How is your guys night going. 1:21:46.000 --> 1:21:46.760 It's beautiful. 1:21:46.800 --> 1:21:49.800 It's our first night together on air, and we're talking 1:21:49.840 --> 1:21:52.439 about relationships because we feel like it's a really, really 1:21:52.520 --> 1:21:56.280 important subject and we're talking about you know, what are 1:21:56.400 --> 1:21:58.360 you doing that's working. 1:21:58.479 --> 1:21:59.920 Are you in a relationship right now? 1:22:00.120 --> 1:22:03.240 Zach? Yeah, And that's why I wanted to call in 1:22:03.400 --> 1:22:09.080 because I found it it's an interesting subject and I 1:22:09.200 --> 1:22:11.479 think my side would be a little. 1:22:11.280 --> 1:22:14.400 Bit different than others. But I just turned twenty. 1:22:14.200 --> 1:22:19.800 Eight and my soon to be Beyonce is twenty six. 1:22:19.960 --> 1:22:24.760 By the turn twenty seven. We had our first baby 1:22:24.840 --> 1:22:31.680 on December thirty, first baby girl, and so with that 1:22:31.960 --> 1:22:35.840 we're obviously younger, and it wasn't as planned as it 1:22:36.760 --> 1:22:41.840 could have been. So with work and everything. I'm sorry, 1:22:41.840 --> 1:22:43.559 I'm not trying to drag this one, but with work 1:22:43.600 --> 1:22:46.479 and everything with both of us and taking care of 1:22:46.560 --> 1:22:49.240 the baby. We just bought a new house and everything. 1:22:49.800 --> 1:22:52.720 I think one of the main things is is being 1:22:52.880 --> 1:22:54.200 truthful with each other and. 1:22:55.960 --> 1:22:57.759 Being if there's. 1:22:57.600 --> 1:23:02.800 Something wrong, talk about it, you know. That's that's one 1:23:02.800 --> 1:23:05.920 of the main things is I have bad anxiety and 1:23:06.160 --> 1:23:09.559 she's always tried to pull things out of me. Us 1:23:09.640 --> 1:23:12.560 men don't like talking about things, but she's tried to 1:23:12.600 --> 1:23:14.560 pull it out of me. The main thing in a 1:23:14.680 --> 1:23:18.640 relationship is is what I want to say is have communication. 1:23:18.800 --> 1:23:21.320 Don't be scared to talk to your spouse about anything, 1:23:21.439 --> 1:23:25.439 because if you can't talk to him or her about 1:23:25.520 --> 1:23:29.720 anything that's going on in life, then you guys will 1:23:29.760 --> 1:23:31.040 never be one hundred percent of team. 1:23:32.000 --> 1:23:36.000 So Zach, I appreciate this because you are young. Twenty 1:23:36.080 --> 1:23:38.599 seven is young, and congratulations having a baby. 1:23:38.680 --> 1:23:42.599 There there their life. 1:23:42.479 --> 1:23:46.720 Changing, life changing little little creatures that come into our 1:23:46.840 --> 1:23:51.679 lives and it makes a relationship more beautiful and more strong, 1:23:51.760 --> 1:23:55.880 but also more difficult. And the more that you communicate 1:23:57.000 --> 1:23:59.599 with your with your fiance and soon to be wife, 1:24:00.320 --> 1:24:01.400 the better that's going to be. 1:24:01.720 --> 1:24:02.280 And that's better. 1:24:02.360 --> 1:24:05.240 The better it's going to be too for the for 1:24:05.360 --> 1:24:07.760 the baby as well, because they're gonna you're gonna be. 1:24:07.960 --> 1:24:10.640 A good role model. But do you feel like. 1:24:12.240 --> 1:24:14.200 Do you feel like as you're because you got a 1:24:14.240 --> 1:24:16.920 lot going on, You have a new baby, you have 1:24:17.000 --> 1:24:19.320 a fiance, so you're gonna get married, You've got a 1:24:19.400 --> 1:24:23.000 new wife. Is there pressure is Do you feel like 1:24:23.080 --> 1:24:25.639 there's a lot of pressure on your young little life 1:24:25.720 --> 1:24:26.040 right now? 1:24:28.240 --> 1:24:32.760 Well, that's a good question. If I were to talk 1:24:32.840 --> 1:24:37.800 to anyone else really older than me, I'd to say, 1:24:38.400 --> 1:24:39.479 let's let's just say. 1:24:39.320 --> 1:24:41.160 A range fifty sixties. 1:24:41.200 --> 1:24:43.280 If I were to talk to someone to say I 1:24:43.439 --> 1:24:46.160 was stressed out, I think that would understand in a way. 1:24:46.360 --> 1:24:50.120 But those are the people those age I. 1:24:50.240 --> 1:24:52.599 Think that you know, they handed a horder or whatever. 1:24:52.680 --> 1:24:54.639 But yeah, I mean it's it's hard. 1:24:54.760 --> 1:24:57.599 I'm in the iron workers Union. We stayed pretty busy 1:24:57.680 --> 1:25:04.080 around here in the Try State area. But the most 1:25:04.120 --> 1:25:08.679 stressful thing is is being this young and not really 1:25:08.760 --> 1:25:10.040 playing on having a baby. 1:25:11.080 --> 1:25:13.240 Like I said, m h. 1:25:14.320 --> 1:25:17.360 The only thing that's got us through everything is communication. 1:25:19.600 --> 1:25:22.360 And I'll come home from work, i might have a 1:25:22.439 --> 1:25:25.680 bad day and I'll try to not hide it, but 1:25:26.000 --> 1:25:28.080 I'm not going to talk about it just because I 1:25:28.160 --> 1:25:30.800 don't want to bring work home with me. But she'll 1:25:30.880 --> 1:25:34.400 catch me sometimes and to be like, I know something's wrong, 1:25:36.600 --> 1:25:38.639 because that's gonna better. 1:25:38.640 --> 1:25:41.080 Us, like we we gotta do something about this. 1:25:41.320 --> 1:25:47.600 That's definitely He pulled me out of that. 1:25:47.760 --> 1:25:48.840 Little hole I was in. 1:25:49.080 --> 1:25:50.720 And once we had that. 1:25:50.840 --> 1:25:53.759 Baby, baby girl, god lover. I mean, it's. 1:25:55.520 --> 1:26:00.920 It brought me and m Kennie. I just want to 1:26:00.920 --> 1:26:04.559 say some of that new parents out there, don't don't 1:26:04.600 --> 1:26:05.120 be scared. 1:26:05.320 --> 1:26:07.320 There's not a there's not a rule. Look for it 1:26:07.400 --> 1:26:07.800 out there. 1:26:07.920 --> 1:26:09.080 No no one can teach you. 1:26:09.080 --> 1:26:09.840 How to be a parent. 1:26:10.000 --> 1:26:14.560 Just love, love your partner, spouse, whatever it may be. 1:26:14.920 --> 1:26:20.599 Just from my perspective, communicate, communication, main thing. 1:26:20.800 --> 1:26:23.800 That's exactly right, Zach. Thanks so much for the call, 1:26:23.880 --> 1:26:25.840 and good luck with everything. You got a lot going on, 1:26:26.000 --> 1:26:28.080 but it sounds like you have a really good head 1:26:28.120 --> 1:26:31.439 on your shoulder. And I love that your fiance pulled 1:26:31.479 --> 1:26:33.760 you out of that hole. That's what partners do. 1:26:34.080 --> 1:26:34.960 That's exactly right. 1:26:35.160 --> 1:26:36.400 Thank you, Zach, Thanks so. 1:26:36.520 --> 1:26:38.360 Much, Thank you guys, have a good night. 1:26:38.520 --> 1:26:39.280 Thanks for having me. 1:26:39.439 --> 1:26:44.040 Appreciate you so so. Doctor West. Everything was right about that. 1:26:44.320 --> 1:26:47.360 It doesn't matter what's going on externally, if you've got 1:26:47.479 --> 1:26:51.439 somebody that's got your back, especially when you're going when 1:26:51.479 --> 1:26:55.760 you're down, that's right. When you're down, that's when you 1:26:55.920 --> 1:26:59.280 need somebody to help more than anything. There you're gonna 1:26:59.320 --> 1:27:02.720 there's nobody that doesn't have down moments, but to have 1:27:03.040 --> 1:27:06.040 somebody say, let's talk about it. I'm gonna sit here. 1:27:06.680 --> 1:27:08.360 I don't care how busy it is, I don't care 1:27:08.400 --> 1:27:11.040 what the baby's doing. Let's sit here and figure out. 1:27:11.320 --> 1:27:12.840 Just tell me, just let it out. 1:27:13.360 --> 1:27:16.479 They prioritized each other, is what they did. And I 1:27:16.640 --> 1:27:20.920 see in my practice problems come up when people lose 1:27:21.760 --> 1:27:28.280 the husband and wife, the relationship. They lose that, they 1:27:28.439 --> 1:27:31.360 go towards being parents and they focus one hundred percent 1:27:31.439 --> 1:27:34.320 on the parent parental role, or they'll focus one hundred 1:27:34.320 --> 1:27:38.200 percent on their work role and they'll lose that relationship 1:27:38.400 --> 1:27:42.080 as partners. So I love the fact they prioritize that. 1:27:42.720 --> 1:27:48.320 And it sounds like his fiance was intentional about that conversation. 1:27:48.520 --> 1:27:51.680 Well, I think that what I heard him say too, 1:27:51.840 --> 1:27:57.320 is she knew, she knows, she recognized, she recognized that 1:27:57.520 --> 1:28:00.760 he was down, yep, and she cared and yep to 1:28:00.880 --> 1:28:02.000 say let's talk about it. 1:28:02.520 --> 1:28:03.280 And that's empathy. 1:28:03.640 --> 1:28:07.479 She used empathy, compassion, She wanted him to let it 1:28:07.560 --> 1:28:08.240 out and grow. 1:28:08.720 --> 1:28:10.080 She was working with him. 1:28:10.520 --> 1:28:15.640 And I do feel like couples ebb and flow a 1:28:15.760 --> 1:28:20.160 lot of times you can get back to that. Bring kindness, 1:28:20.520 --> 1:28:26.040 bring empathy, bring compassion, and couples can revive their relationship. 1:28:26.240 --> 1:28:29.400 There are times where everyone goes through tough times, whether 1:28:29.520 --> 1:28:33.200 your mother, daughter, brother, sister, sister and sister, and any 1:28:33.360 --> 1:28:36.800 good relationship, you're going to go through some downs and 1:28:36.920 --> 1:28:40.519 then that's when you really show up. That's right, yep, 1:28:41.000 --> 1:28:43.680 and I just I love that call so much. All Right, 1:28:43.720 --> 1:28:45.200 we're going to go back. I think we have one 1:28:45.280 --> 1:28:48.000 more segment. When we come back, we're going to talk 1:28:48.040 --> 1:28:51.320 to doctor West. He's got the top three tips that 1:28:51.520 --> 1:28:55.519 help his couples in therapy to build a strong, solid 1:28:55.640 --> 1:28:59.599 foundation a really good relationship. We've talked a lot about 1:29:00.080 --> 1:29:02.559 how when it's time to leave a relationship, now it's 1:29:02.640 --> 1:29:04.960 time when you can build on it, and we've got 1:29:05.000 --> 1:29:07.720 the top three tips. So that's coming up. We do 1:29:07.840 --> 1:29:09.760 want you to call five one, three, seven, four ninety 1:29:09.800 --> 1:29:13.559 seven thousand. Thank you so much for all the callers tonight. 1:29:13.600 --> 1:29:15.920 We're going to be back with one more segment before 1:29:16.000 --> 1:29:16.360 we leave. 1:29:16.760 --> 1:29:20.560 It's don A. D and Doctor West on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. 1:29:21.160 --> 1:29:26.800 Ooh, it has been a fun night, Saturday night. It's 1:29:26.840 --> 1:29:31.200 all about relationships. It's gonna be a nice night though. 1:29:31.240 --> 1:29:35.280 I gotta tell you, it's a cool night fifty seven 1:29:36.200 --> 1:29:38.000 and then it's going to warm up for the game 1:29:38.080 --> 1:29:41.560 day tomorrow eighty four degrees. So we were talking about relationships. 1:29:41.800 --> 1:29:44.960 Let's get to Pat because he's been on hold for 1:29:45.000 --> 1:29:48.280 a while. Pat, thanks for holding for so long. It's 1:29:48.360 --> 1:29:50.120 done a d with doctor wes Uh. 1:29:50.360 --> 1:29:53.320 We've been talking about relationships, the good, the good, the bad, 1:29:53.400 --> 1:29:55.800 and the ugly. What what do you have to contribute? 1:29:56.720 --> 1:29:58.760 Well, I've been seated in the ugly. 1:29:59.520 --> 1:30:03.960 We all, anybody, anybody over twenty one has really had 1:30:04.000 --> 1:30:04.760 their fair share. 1:30:05.800 --> 1:30:08.240 Yeah, I just wanted to contribute. Maybe next week you 1:30:08.280 --> 1:30:11.160 could talk about because it's a big technical subject. But 1:30:11.720 --> 1:30:14.800 what happens if you find out that your mate is bipolar? 1:30:15.680 --> 1:30:19.880 And then when that happens, you know, you encourage her 1:30:19.960 --> 1:30:22.760 to it was a you know lady I was with, 1:30:22.920 --> 1:30:26.720 and encourage her to get help and everything, and then 1:30:27.840 --> 1:30:31.280 I don't know, the prescription drugs and a little bit 1:30:31.320 --> 1:30:34.080 of alcohol and then she just goes on her own 1:30:34.439 --> 1:30:37.280 her own way, you know. So I've been divorced twenty 1:30:37.320 --> 1:30:40.320 one years now and raised a couple of kids and everything, 1:30:40.400 --> 1:30:42.880 so I know how it goes. Yeah, next week, maybe 1:30:42.920 --> 1:30:45.240 you can talk about that, because bipolar you know, you 1:30:45.320 --> 1:30:47.000 never know what you get into with somebody. You have 1:30:47.080 --> 1:30:49.200 to kind of get to know them before you really 1:30:50.000 --> 1:30:51.160 get involved with them. 1:30:51.200 --> 1:30:53.519 I guess you know what I mean that that is 1:30:53.840 --> 1:30:58.360 a tough I've never I've never experienced someone with bipolar. 1:30:58.520 --> 1:31:02.640 I mean I've experienced people with very very heavy emotions. 1:31:02.760 --> 1:31:03.000 Wes. 1:31:03.120 --> 1:31:07.040 What would you say to Pat who is dealing with 1:31:07.160 --> 1:31:10.840 somebody that has bipolar and prescription meds and then a 1:31:10.880 --> 1:31:11.839 little bit of alcohol. 1:31:12.000 --> 1:31:15.920 That's a tough mix. Yeah, especially the alcohol. The So 1:31:16.200 --> 1:31:20.320 I would if that were my clients, I would want 1:31:20.560 --> 1:31:24.439 both both Pat and the and the partner to come 1:31:24.479 --> 1:31:27.360 in for therapy together so that we can learn how 1:31:27.920 --> 1:31:30.840 to work through that because the moods, the mood and state, 1:31:31.000 --> 1:31:34.960 the mood swings, the ups and the downs can create 1:31:35.120 --> 1:31:38.120 a lot of emotional instability in the partner too, in 1:31:38.280 --> 1:31:38.920 Pat as well. 1:31:39.479 --> 1:31:42.000 So, Pat, have you ever gone to counseling? 1:31:42.760 --> 1:31:42.920 Oh? 1:31:43.080 --> 1:31:45.280 Yeah, I mean it's down over with now, But I 1:31:45.360 --> 1:31:48.000 mean I tried. I went, you know, the court, you 1:31:48.080 --> 1:31:51.320 know they want to head and assigned people when matistreet 1:31:51.439 --> 1:31:52.519 or whatever they had down there. 1:31:52.640 --> 1:31:54.120 So I went all through it. 1:31:54.160 --> 1:31:56.680 But I mean, you know, I'm just pointing out for 1:31:56.760 --> 1:31:59.880 other people because you never know, if you know, take 1:32:00.160 --> 1:32:02.120 time to get to know somebody. You don't want to 1:32:02.160 --> 1:32:03.000 rest in anything. 1:32:03.320 --> 1:32:07.000 Yeah, that's good advice because even even if you're thinking 1:32:07.000 --> 1:32:09.560 about maybe the one of the most public figures that 1:32:09.760 --> 1:32:14.080 was bipolar and and in a public relationship would be 1:32:14.240 --> 1:32:18.360 Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and he would fly off 1:32:18.439 --> 1:32:22.000 the handle and they had four kids, ended up, you know, divorced, 1:32:22.479 --> 1:32:25.479 and he freely admits that he has bipolar and has 1:32:25.600 --> 1:32:28.040 issues with that, and when he doesn't take his meds, 1:32:28.640 --> 1:32:33.840 he gets uh, it goes deeper. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, 1:32:33.920 --> 1:32:36.120 that that is a good subject to touch on. 1:32:36.240 --> 1:32:39.439 And doctor Wes you you're familiar with this, sure, and 1:32:39.520 --> 1:32:41.439 that's why it has to be a family intervention. But 1:32:41.920 --> 1:32:45.880 the person who the person with the bipolar disorder has 1:32:45.960 --> 1:32:48.439 to be willing to take their medicine to be consistent 1:32:48.920 --> 1:32:50.800 and and to really you know, work through it. 1:32:51.520 --> 1:32:55.800 So that also in my situation, there was no communications. 1:32:55.840 --> 1:32:57.960 He didn't want to talk so right, right, and I 1:32:58.040 --> 1:33:00.080 try to I try to write her and then to 1:33:00.160 --> 1:33:03.360 get more frustrated with that. Yeah, and so it was 1:33:03.439 --> 1:33:03.960 just a mess. 1:33:04.240 --> 1:33:04.439 Yeah. 1:33:04.439 --> 1:33:05.960 Well, I mean I just I've been through it. I 1:33:06.040 --> 1:33:08.560 just don't want to see anybody anybody else can in 1:33:08.640 --> 1:33:09.760 the situation like that. 1:33:10.120 --> 1:33:12.719 That's exactly what we're talking about. That's why we're doing 1:33:12.800 --> 1:33:15.000 this show. Pat, thank you so much for calling in. 1:33:15.160 --> 1:33:17.080 Really appreciate it, and thanks for holding. 1:33:16.840 --> 1:33:18.719 For so long, you know, Okay, you're welcome. 1:33:18.800 --> 1:33:22.160 Thank you so much. So there's so many different aspects 1:33:22.240 --> 1:33:25.840 to relationships. And I have been you know, I've never 1:33:26.040 --> 1:33:29.479 I've never had to deal with the mental issues, you know, 1:33:30.439 --> 1:33:32.479 for very long, and I don't I don't know how 1:33:33.680 --> 1:33:37.000 I would imagine, as Pat was saying, it's almost impossible 1:33:37.080 --> 1:33:39.120 to deal with it, especially if you don't communicate, and 1:33:39.160 --> 1:33:42.120 then there's alcohol and pills and stuff and right too, Now, 1:33:42.160 --> 1:33:43.000 how do you get through that? 1:33:43.240 --> 1:33:46.080 I mean, yeah, well it's going to have to How 1:33:46.160 --> 1:33:49.000 you get through it is is the person again with 1:33:49.080 --> 1:33:52.280 the bipolar disorder, has to take ownership, and they have 1:33:52.479 --> 1:33:55.559 to be responsible, and they have to work the plan. 1:33:55.760 --> 1:33:59.720 They need to have individual therapy and and be on 1:33:59.760 --> 1:34:02.479 their medication. But the problem is is that a lot 1:34:02.520 --> 1:34:05.400 of people with bipolar disorder, they start feeling better and 1:34:05.560 --> 1:34:08.960 so they stop taking their medication, right, and then it's 1:34:09.000 --> 1:34:10.240 just a vicious cycle. 1:34:10.040 --> 1:34:11.960 And then they comes out of the blue, right and 1:34:12.200 --> 1:34:15.200 like all of a sudden, this person ATTACKSI, their partner, right, 1:34:15.240 --> 1:34:15.680 stuff like that. 1:34:16.000 --> 1:34:19.280 Family therapy so hard couples and family therapy is a 1:34:19.520 --> 1:34:23.080 very important intervention when you're dealing with bipolar disorder and 1:34:23.920 --> 1:34:25.080 serious mental illness. 1:34:25.000 --> 1:34:27.160 And then you have kids, and then the kids are 1:34:27.520 --> 1:34:29.519 you know, involved in that as well. It's it's a 1:34:29.640 --> 1:34:32.639 tough situation. We will touch on that a little bit more. 1:34:33.160 --> 1:34:35.599 So we're ending the show because we've had some real 1:34:35.920 --> 1:34:39.439 positive calls today and we've talked about, like, you know, 1:34:39.600 --> 1:34:43.120 what are the what are the three green flags that 1:34:43.240 --> 1:34:46.959 are critical to a relationship. We went over that growth, kindness, 1:34:47.080 --> 1:34:50.360 and compassion, and those are those are pretty you can 1:34:50.400 --> 1:34:55.400 see how those would would produce a good, happy, successful couple. 1:34:55.680 --> 1:34:58.599 But if you're not there yet, right, So you see 1:34:58.720 --> 1:35:01.880 couples that come into for therapy all the time that 1:35:01.960 --> 1:35:04.400 are on the verge of breaking up, sure, right, so 1:35:04.560 --> 1:35:09.280 they don't have the growth, the kindness, the compassion that 1:35:09.640 --> 1:35:12.800 healthy couples do. So we talked about this and I 1:35:12.880 --> 1:35:16.280 want to leave today on a really positive note on 1:35:16.680 --> 1:35:20.519 what works to get people back on track, to get 1:35:20.600 --> 1:35:23.639 them to those three green flags when they're going through 1:35:23.720 --> 1:35:24.200 tough times. 1:35:24.360 --> 1:35:27.120 So I asked them that suppose that they went to 1:35:27.280 --> 1:35:32.360 sleep tonight and a miracle happens, and there they're asleep. 1:35:32.400 --> 1:35:35.160 They don't know that the miracles happened. But a miracle happens, 1:35:35.520 --> 1:35:39.440 and the relationship problems that brought them in just dissipate. 1:35:40.400 --> 1:35:44.920 And so they wake up tomorrow morning, and what is 1:35:45.000 --> 1:35:47.400 the very first thing they noticed that will let them 1:35:47.479 --> 1:35:50.519 know something's different in their relationship, is what I asked them. 1:35:50.840 --> 1:35:53.639 So they go to bed and they suggest that, hey, 1:35:53.760 --> 1:35:55.799 a miracle, a miracles is happening. 1:35:55.960 --> 1:35:56.439 Is happening. 1:35:56.680 --> 1:35:59.120 It's happened, but they are asleep, so they don't know it. 1:35:59.479 --> 1:36:02.320 So the morning they wake up and they sell and 1:36:02.880 --> 1:36:06.000 I want them to be very specific about what is 1:36:06.080 --> 1:36:08.360 it that's different. I've had couples say things like, my 1:36:08.479 --> 1:36:10.439 partner will look at me and give me a kiss 1:36:10.439 --> 1:36:12.479 and say good morning instead of getting on their phone. 1:36:12.560 --> 1:36:14.519 Oh that's a good one, right. 1:36:14.640 --> 1:36:16.880 I've had a couple say that my partner would go 1:36:16.960 --> 1:36:18.600 down and start and you know, and make me a 1:36:18.640 --> 1:36:20.519 cup of coffee and bring it up to me in bed. 1:36:21.120 --> 1:36:21.280 Right. 1:36:21.439 --> 1:36:24.720 So, So what it does is I ask each of 1:36:24.840 --> 1:36:28.320 them that and it creates a miracle day, and then 1:36:28.439 --> 1:36:32.439 I will have them the assignment is, Okay, over the 1:36:32.520 --> 1:36:37.320 next week, one of you, both of you, at certain points, 1:36:37.800 --> 1:36:40.280 do something out of that miracle day for your partner. 1:36:40.840 --> 1:36:43.200 Okay. So it could be. 1:36:44.720 --> 1:36:48.280 Making dinner and having it ready and like a romantic 1:36:48.520 --> 1:36:52.120 table setup and and that would be a miracle if 1:36:52.200 --> 1:36:54.360 you haven't had that in a while. That's right, right, 1:36:54.400 --> 1:36:59.200 I love it. So you're focusing on something that, Wow, 1:36:59.840 --> 1:37:01.000 I can't believe. 1:37:00.720 --> 1:37:01.680 You did this for me. 1:37:01.880 --> 1:37:05.880 Yeah, kind of a moment. Yeah, okay, And so all right, 1:37:06.120 --> 1:37:09.840 so that's one. So miracle day day one. What's another one? 1:37:09.960 --> 1:37:13.360 I have them keep a record for me of of 1:37:13.760 --> 1:37:18.280 times that they have have caught their partner doing something right. Ooh, 1:37:19.240 --> 1:37:23.320 I love that, and then bring that record back into 1:37:23.360 --> 1:37:25.320 the session the next week so that we can talk 1:37:25.360 --> 1:37:25.680 about it. 1:37:26.120 --> 1:37:26.439 Okay. 1:37:26.560 --> 1:37:32.479 So, so catch your partner doing something right, definitely flipping 1:37:32.600 --> 1:37:35.479 the It's almost like a gratitude journal. Instead, it's like, 1:37:35.920 --> 1:37:38.799 instead of looking at what's negative, you train your brain 1:37:39.120 --> 1:37:41.760 that's right to look at something that they did right. 1:37:41.960 --> 1:37:43.080 Wow, what a gift? 1:37:43.520 --> 1:37:43.720 Yeah? 1:37:43.880 --> 1:37:44.559 Does that work? 1:37:44.640 --> 1:37:45.360 It does work. 1:37:45.479 --> 1:37:48.519 So you have them report back to you on catching 1:37:48.560 --> 1:37:50.880 your partner doing doing something right. What are some of 1:37:50.920 --> 1:37:51.840 the things that they say. 1:37:52.280 --> 1:37:55.519 They'll tell me that that they caught their partner giving 1:37:55.600 --> 1:37:58.920 them a hug, they caught their partner, you know, saying 1:37:58.960 --> 1:38:01.720 I love you. They call their partner just little thing things, 1:38:01.920 --> 1:38:03.120 not little things, big things. 1:38:03.240 --> 1:38:08.200 Yeah, small things add up to big things, right. I 1:38:08.320 --> 1:38:12.360 always say that, you know, foreplate lasts all day long. 1:38:12.600 --> 1:38:16.000 It's how you treat somebody throughout the day. So you 1:38:16.120 --> 1:38:18.720 can't be mean to somebody and then expect magic in 1:38:18.800 --> 1:38:21.680 the bedroom or a miracle in the bedroom. Right, You 1:38:21.880 --> 1:38:27.280 really have to be consistent with you know, even just 1:38:27.479 --> 1:38:29.240 walking by and putting your hand. 1:38:29.640 --> 1:38:31.920 On her back, that's right, That would be catching your 1:38:31.960 --> 1:38:39.200 partner doing something right, because that communicates fond, fondness, right, admiration, love, 1:38:39.800 --> 1:38:40.639 all of the positive? 1:38:41.040 --> 1:38:44.240 Is it mostly when in the beginning, when when couples 1:38:44.320 --> 1:38:46.800 do this, is it well, he took out the trash 1:38:46.960 --> 1:38:48.120 and I didn't have to tell him. 1:38:48.280 --> 1:38:49.280 Is it kind of like that? 1:38:49.680 --> 1:38:51.720 Or is that can be? That can be sure? That 1:38:51.800 --> 1:38:53.519 can be a miracle, right for some people. 1:38:54.000 --> 1:38:57.360 I would hope that that if somebody looked and caught 1:38:57.520 --> 1:38:59.560 caught me doing something, it would be nicer than that. 1:38:59.760 --> 1:39:03.599 Yeah, but I expectations, right right. 1:39:04.040 --> 1:39:05.400 Okay, so miracle day. 1:39:06.000 --> 1:39:09.160 And then catch your partner doing something right, write it 1:39:09.240 --> 1:39:10.360 down and report back to. 1:39:10.400 --> 1:39:12.880 You, right, And then what's the third thing? 1:39:12.960 --> 1:39:15.639 And then I assigned them to do the high low 1:39:15.840 --> 1:39:18.479 check in. So this is the highlight of their day. 1:39:18.800 --> 1:39:21.080 This is at the end of the day after and 1:39:21.200 --> 1:39:23.400 it needs to be you know, all the distractions, all 1:39:23.400 --> 1:39:26.800 the phones, all the devices are set aside, it's just there. 1:39:26.880 --> 1:39:28.920 So they meet up, they meet up, they talk face 1:39:29.000 --> 1:39:31.240 to face and they say, this was the highlight of 1:39:31.320 --> 1:39:33.920 my day, and this was the low point of my day. 1:39:34.400 --> 1:39:36.880 And does it have anything to do with them or 1:39:37.120 --> 1:39:39.320 is it specifically what happened in their day? 1:39:39.479 --> 1:39:41.000 Just what happened in their day. 1:39:41.280 --> 1:39:41.559 Okay. 1:39:41.640 --> 1:39:45.559 So the highlight of my day was I did really 1:39:45.640 --> 1:39:50.680 great presentation at work and I felt good about myself, yes, right, yes. 1:39:50.920 --> 1:39:53.200 And and the low part of the day was I. 1:39:53.240 --> 1:39:56.080 Didn't work out. Yeah, I didn't have time to work out, 1:39:56.200 --> 1:40:01.000 and I feel like I missed that right, something like that, 1:40:01.160 --> 1:40:01.839 right exactly. 1:40:01.960 --> 1:40:04.320 And what it's doing is it's it's putting you in 1:40:04.439 --> 1:40:07.519 touch with it's it's it's vulnerability, it's forcing you to 1:40:07.560 --> 1:40:08.720 be vulnerable with each other. 1:40:08.880 --> 1:40:11.320 Oh yeah, you and look at it that way. 1:40:11.600 --> 1:40:14.440 And then it's also giving you a chance to empathize 1:40:14.479 --> 1:40:16.960 with each other, okay, right, And it's given you a 1:40:17.040 --> 1:40:19.360 chance to ask, how can I help make your day? 1:40:19.400 --> 1:40:20.519 How can I help support you? 1:40:20.760 --> 1:40:21.000 Yeah? 1:40:21.320 --> 1:40:23.720 Right, especially during the low point? What is it that 1:40:23.800 --> 1:40:26.120 you need? What can I do right now to help support. 1:40:25.840 --> 1:40:26.320 I love that. 1:40:26.640 --> 1:40:29.720 I love that because you know, even when I say, 1:40:31.479 --> 1:40:33.880 even when I was saying the low part of my 1:40:33.960 --> 1:40:37.240 day kind of felt like, oh man, that I really 1:40:37.400 --> 1:40:40.519 have to address that. And it does make me feel like, 1:40:40.760 --> 1:40:43.760 oh I had a low part of my day. And 1:40:43.960 --> 1:40:46.400 then if you say it out loud, maybe your partner cares. 1:40:46.680 --> 1:40:47.439 Yeah right. 1:40:48.200 --> 1:40:52.800 I love that. Okay. So how effective is this for 1:40:52.920 --> 1:40:54.519 the couples that do do it well? 1:40:54.600 --> 1:40:57.639 It's very effective because if they do it consistently, then 1:40:57.680 --> 1:41:00.960 it gets them in a pattern of checking in with 1:41:01.080 --> 1:41:04.919 each other emotionally. That's really the key. It's an emotional intervention. 1:41:05.600 --> 1:41:08.040 It's really getting them to talk and to be vulnerable 1:41:08.120 --> 1:41:10.360 and to share and to get out of the day 1:41:10.400 --> 1:41:12.600 to day hustle and bustle to. 1:41:12.680 --> 1:41:15.599 Bring it back to their relationship, to bring it back 1:41:15.640 --> 1:41:16.320 to focus on. 1:41:16.760 --> 1:41:17.320 Okay, we have. 1:41:17.400 --> 1:41:19.439 Kids, we have work, we have dogs with the house, 1:41:19.520 --> 1:41:21.200 we have some lah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 1:41:21.280 --> 1:41:22.599 Everybody has all that, right. 1:41:22.720 --> 1:41:25.000 They're looking at each other too, They're not. I can't 1:41:25.000 --> 1:41:27.720 tell you how many people report to me that I say, 1:41:27.760 --> 1:41:29.040 what does the evening look like for you? 1:41:29.200 --> 1:41:29.320 All? 1:41:29.720 --> 1:41:34.240 It's people on the couch on their phones. Couples, couples 1:41:34.280 --> 1:41:36.639 are They'll say, yeah, we're sitting next to each other, 1:41:37.040 --> 1:41:39.920 but we're not looking at each other. We're facing forward 1:41:40.080 --> 1:41:42.080 and we're facing down looking at our phones. 1:41:42.800 --> 1:41:45.960 See listen, I'm one of these people that you know 1:41:46.080 --> 1:41:47.200 have an addiction to my friend. 1:41:47.200 --> 1:41:49.040 I don't know. I'm not addicted to a lot of things. 1:41:49.120 --> 1:41:50.040 My phone is one of them. 1:41:50.080 --> 1:41:53.920 It's terrible, it is absolutely terrible. But when I am 1:41:54.080 --> 1:41:57.200 with somebody, I put my phone down, right. I mean, 1:41:57.280 --> 1:41:59.200 even you and I have been face to face talking 1:41:59.280 --> 1:42:03.800 for the last three hours. It is it's it's we're 1:42:03.920 --> 1:42:06.479 blessed by these phones, but it's also a curse, and 1:42:06.600 --> 1:42:08.960 it is a curse for our relationships too. There are 1:42:09.080 --> 1:42:14.160 people that I know that that their their sons and Mason, 1:42:14.439 --> 1:42:17.200 mainly the sons don't know how to talk to women. 1:42:17.360 --> 1:42:18.720 They don't know how to ask for a date. 1:42:18.720 --> 1:42:21.240 They don't know how to go out because it's it's 1:42:21.360 --> 1:42:24.679 it's it's phone, it's cell phones, it's it's social media, 1:42:24.960 --> 1:42:28.880 is gaming, and it's all computerized, and they don't go 1:42:29.000 --> 1:42:31.639 out and they don't know how to communicate with real 1:42:31.720 --> 1:42:35.000 people in the real world. That's right, and even couples, 1:42:35.200 --> 1:42:37.559 even our age. You know, I'm a little bit older 1:42:37.640 --> 1:42:41.479 than you, but have have grown up without phones and 1:42:41.760 --> 1:42:45.479 been outside and learned how to communicate with people way back, 1:42:45.800 --> 1:42:48.000 because I didn't even get a phone until I was, like, 1:42:48.120 --> 1:42:51.320 I don't know, twenty two or twenty three years old, 1:42:51.400 --> 1:42:52.600 twenty four or something like that. 1:42:53.280 --> 1:42:56.160 So in those days were so nice. 1:42:56.720 --> 1:42:59.120 I mean they were, and I love my phone, but 1:42:59.800 --> 1:43:02.680 it's it's nice to not have this electric box in 1:43:02.800 --> 1:43:05.519 my you know, in my hand all the time and 1:43:05.680 --> 1:43:06.280 looking at it. 1:43:06.439 --> 1:43:10.080 It does it is can be a relationship killer. 1:43:10.080 --> 1:43:14.120 And texting. Texting is also I think can be a 1:43:14.160 --> 1:43:18.920 relationship killer when you're texting your friends, you're texting people, 1:43:19.360 --> 1:43:22.120 and you're not talking to your partner right. 1:43:22.200 --> 1:43:28.840 Yes, your fantasy football league right scores or you know, 1:43:29.040 --> 1:43:32.559 I have I have several group texts with my sisters, 1:43:32.640 --> 1:43:37.000 with my friends, and sometimes I'm like, holy smokes, yeah, 1:43:37.080 --> 1:43:41.040 pictures of all my nieces, nephews and their grandkids, the grandkids. 1:43:41.200 --> 1:43:44.920 You know, it's non stop and yeah, that can. That 1:43:45.040 --> 1:43:46.320 can get to be a lot. 1:43:46.520 --> 1:43:50.080 And you can lose the emotional content through texting because 1:43:50.120 --> 1:43:53.479 you can't you don't have the the you know, the cues, 1:43:54.200 --> 1:43:57.080 the vote, the verbal cues, the in person right. 1:43:57.640 --> 1:44:01.000 The nonverbals, yeah, the non verbal Yeah, I can. That's 1:44:01.040 --> 1:44:03.920 a very good point. So I have one more questions. 1:44:04.080 --> 1:44:05.840 We're almost out of time. We just have a couple 1:44:05.920 --> 1:44:08.680 more minutes. And this has been so great, Wes, thank 1:44:08.760 --> 1:44:11.640 you so much for coming. And you know, our next one, 1:44:11.880 --> 1:44:14.280 our next Saturday is going to be October twenty fifth, 1:44:14.360 --> 1:44:16.120 or whatever the time is. 1:44:16.200 --> 1:44:16.439 On that. 1:44:18.200 --> 1:44:20.840 There was a question that I thought was so great. 1:44:20.960 --> 1:44:24.000 Somebody said, if you asked this one question to your partner, 1:44:24.760 --> 1:44:27.240 and I think it can be asked to your best 1:44:27.320 --> 1:44:33.040 friend or your sister, or certainly your spouse or your 1:44:33.120 --> 1:44:35.639 mom or anything like that. If you ask this one 1:44:35.800 --> 1:44:39.240 question to have a really good relationship, but you'd have 1:44:39.360 --> 1:44:42.720 to listen to the answer. What's it like having me 1:44:43.120 --> 1:44:50.720 as a partner, right, and somebody just be so vulnerable 1:44:50.840 --> 1:44:54.000 to ask that question and sit back and listen. 1:44:54.400 --> 1:44:57.400 Wow, just hit me with it, Hit me with it? 1:44:57.560 --> 1:44:58.840 What what's it like? 1:44:59.120 --> 1:45:04.240 And then you know, I would imagine the conversation could 1:45:04.280 --> 1:45:10.719 go like this. Sometimes you're amazing, sometimes you listen, sometimes 1:45:10.760 --> 1:45:17.040 you don't. Sometimes you're emotional, and sometimes you're rock steady 1:45:17.200 --> 1:45:22.599 and you're like the biggest, best, beautiful tree that can 1:45:22.720 --> 1:45:32.320 be rooted and support our family. Sometimes it's you're judgmental 1:45:32.479 --> 1:45:38.720 and it's hard to talk to you, and sometimes you 1:45:38.880 --> 1:45:44.040 project so much of your fear onto me that it's 1:45:44.120 --> 1:45:44.759 hard to breathe. 1:45:45.640 --> 1:45:45.840 Yeah. 1:45:47.040 --> 1:45:50.080 I mean, it just depends on how deep you want 1:45:50.160 --> 1:45:56.000 to go. And is it okay to say, can we 1:45:56.080 --> 1:45:58.960 take a break? I know I asked the question. I 1:45:59.640 --> 1:46:02.639 want answer, I want to hear it. I'm feeling all 1:46:02.760 --> 1:46:05.240 kinds of energy. Can we take a break and come 1:46:05.320 --> 1:46:07.000 back and meet you in five minutes so I can 1:46:07.120 --> 1:46:09.240 just breathe through this so I can listen more. 1:46:09.479 --> 1:46:09.679 Yeah? 1:46:09.840 --> 1:46:10.759 Would that be accepted? 1:46:10.880 --> 1:46:14.160 Absolutely? I tell couples to take a fifteen minute break 1:46:15.040 --> 1:46:20.599 because it helps their brain, because the brain basically goes 1:46:20.640 --> 1:46:23.760 into that fight flight or freeze response, And you can't 1:46:23.800 --> 1:46:26.800 regulate your emotions when you're flooded, when you're flooded with 1:46:26.920 --> 1:46:27.840 so much why did you. 1:46:28.040 --> 1:46:29.000 Ask the question? 1:46:29.160 --> 1:46:32.920 And you really want to know Sometimes if somebody is very, 1:46:33.080 --> 1:46:35.040 very honest, and even if they're saying it in the 1:46:35.200 --> 1:46:37.639 nicest possible way, yep, it's still hard to hear. 1:46:37.760 --> 1:46:41.160 Yeah, what is that? What a great question though, that 1:46:41.400 --> 1:46:44.360 is such a great question. Yeah, I would love to 1:46:44.439 --> 1:46:47.240 ask that question for someone. Maybe I'll ask you that, Donna, 1:46:47.600 --> 1:46:49.519 after the show tonight, I'll ask you, what were you 1:46:49.880 --> 1:46:52.280 what was it like to be what was it like 1:46:52.360 --> 1:46:52.519 to be? 1:46:52.720 --> 1:46:52.840 Uh? 1:46:53.160 --> 1:46:56.479 For having on the show tonight, Well. 1:46:56.479 --> 1:47:00.439 I just can't tell you how much, uh, how much 1:47:00.479 --> 1:47:03.200 I appreciated this show. We talk a lot about you know, 1:47:03.360 --> 1:47:05.639 politics on the station, and we talk a lot about 1:47:05.800 --> 1:47:09.880 you know sports, clearly this is a big sports station, 1:47:10.000 --> 1:47:12.720 and we talk about you know, topical stuff and and 1:47:12.840 --> 1:47:15.680 all kinds of everything. It ranges and and to have 1:47:15.840 --> 1:47:19.080 a show just about relationships and how we can build 1:47:19.120 --> 1:47:21.320 into each other and how we can focus on how 1:47:22.040 --> 1:47:25.320 the relationship with ourself, which is really the most important one, 1:47:26.160 --> 1:47:30.360 how we can get stronger and less offensive and be 1:47:30.560 --> 1:47:35.240 more connected within ourselves. So that so that we can 1:47:35.320 --> 1:47:40.240 be better, better partners for you know, the loved ones 1:47:40.320 --> 1:47:42.360 in our lives and let them know how much we 1:47:42.520 --> 1:47:45.280 care about them. Because I'm telling you right now, there's 1:47:45.600 --> 1:47:49.160 nothing better than making sure that the people that you 1:47:49.400 --> 1:47:56.599 love know that you love them. That's nothing better than that. Yeah, Wes, 1:47:56.800 --> 1:47:59.880 thank you so much for coming. Thank you for all 1:48:00.120 --> 1:48:02.840 of our callers. It has been a joy and a pleasure. 1:48:02.840 --> 1:48:04.960 And we're going to be back on the twenty fifth. 1:48:05.160 --> 1:48:08.479 I'm out of town, but uh so I'll be I'll 1:48:08.520 --> 1:48:12.680 be on with Sterling the following weekend and you know, 1:48:12.880 --> 1:48:16.040 go go Bangles. We got the game day tomorrow, so 1:48:16.160 --> 1:48:19.719 we still have sports here. Thanks so much, Thanks Joe 1:48:19.960 --> 1:48:22.679 for walking us through this. You have been awesome as well. 1:48:23.200 --> 1:48:26.760 It's Donna Dan, doctor West on a awesome Saturday Night, 1:48:26.840 --> 1:48:28.760 seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,