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Speaker 1: All right, it's Saturday night, nine oh seven. It's don

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Speaker 1: A d with my buddy doctor west crafton. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: making the trip from Nashville. Or are you in Kentucky already?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: I was in Kentucky. Yeah, at my parents house.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Doctor Wes. You've heard them on with Sterling and I.

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Speaker 1: So we're gonna so tonight. I used to do Saturdays.

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Speaker 1: It's been a minute, and we're going to do something

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Speaker 1: a little bit different, which is why I asked you

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Speaker 1: to come on the show with me. It's going to

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Speaker 1: be more of a relationship call in show, relationship driven

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Speaker 1: because I love talking about it and I really feel

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Speaker 1: like at this point in time in this life, people

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Speaker 1: are disconnected and through through social media, through politics, through

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Speaker 1: you know, being on their phones all the time and

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Speaker 1: video games, and they're not out you know, mingling and

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Speaker 1: understanding how important it is to have connection with others.

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Speaker 4: So that's why I wanted to have you here.

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Speaker 1: And we're going to get right into it because you know,

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Speaker 1: there's no greater pain or suffering than when you are.

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Speaker 4: Going through a breakup.

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Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, right.

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Speaker 1: Like anybody past the age of sixteen knows what that's like.

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Speaker 5: Yep.

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Speaker 1: And if you've ever gone through a divorce after being

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Speaker 1: with someone, let's say nineteen years, and you have kids,

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Speaker 1: then it becomes excruciating sometimes and you're not giving a choice,

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Speaker 1: like for instance, and we know who's in the news

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Speaker 1: Nicole Kidman and her husband Keith Urban.

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Speaker 4: It's so public too to have.

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Speaker 1: To have your business being thrown out there, and with

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Speaker 1: two teenage daughters, the heartache of being with somebody for

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Speaker 1: so long and then thinking you are living your life

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Speaker 1: without this person anymore. And this couple really seemed like

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Speaker 1: they were in love for a long time. Sure, I

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Speaker 1: mean nineteen years together is a long time. But you

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Speaker 1: the question that I have for you because you counsel

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Speaker 1: couples all the time, and you've been doing this for

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Speaker 1: how long.

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Speaker 3: I've been doing it for a little over a decade. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: And so.

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Speaker 1: Is there are there signs that you can tell whether

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Speaker 1: a couple is going to make it or break it?

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Speaker 4: Like how do you know? Is it a quick sign?

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Speaker 4: Is it immediate?

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Speaker 1: Can you tell right off the bat or can you

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Speaker 1: tell through weeks and months of therapy and whether someone's

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Speaker 1: going to try or not.

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Speaker 3: It's usually through weeks. Something Over the weeks you'll you'll

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Speaker 3: kind of see the pattern that develops. But the signs

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Speaker 3: that I'm looking for would be criticism. The criticism and contempt, contemptuousness.

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Speaker 3: Those are going to be the signs that I'm looking for.

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Speaker 3: So do they believe the best in each other? Do

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Speaker 3: they give each other the benefit of the doubt? Or

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Speaker 3: are they highly critical of each other?

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Speaker 4: Okay?

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Speaker 1: Can you tell that right away? When somebody walks into

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Speaker 1: your office and says, okay, here's Tom and Lucy yep,

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Speaker 1: and they start talking, can you tell immediately gestures, actions, thought,

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Speaker 1: you know that kind of stuff.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you can tell by body language, how far are

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Speaker 3: they just the where they're on the couch, so I

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Speaker 3: always notice, okay, they're seated very closely together or they're not.

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Speaker 3: I can also tell by, you know, just by the

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Speaker 3: looks on their faces. I can tell by obviously what

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Speaker 3: they say. Do they cut each other off? Or are

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Speaker 3: they looking at each other in the eye. There's a

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Speaker 3: lot of those types of.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So if I roll is a big deal, that's contempt.

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Speaker 6: That is.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And so if if you and I are married and

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Speaker 1: we're in your office, a therapist's office, and you start

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Speaker 1: talking and I don't like what you have to say

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Speaker 1: because you've heard it a million times before, and I

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Speaker 1: start rolling my eyes. Does that mean that this couple's

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Speaker 1: probably not going What is the percentage of that couple

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Speaker 1: not making it?

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Speaker 3: That's probably a pretty high percentage of that couple not

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Speaker 3: making it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, what are the signs of a couple that

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Speaker 1: will maybe make it?

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Speaker 2: What?

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Speaker 4: What are those?

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Speaker 3: So those are going to be really I think it's

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Speaker 3: going to be more about couples who do believe the

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Speaker 3: best in each other. They do give each other the

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Speaker 3: benefit of the doubt, and they're really curious about each

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Speaker 3: other's world worldview. We call them love maps. They know

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Speaker 3: each other's love maps really well. They know what makes

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Speaker 3: their partner tick, They know what makes their partner happy.

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Speaker 3: They go out of their way to do things right

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Speaker 3: to make them happy, to feel loved, to feel accepted,

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Speaker 3: to feel seen right. So it's really about empathy, having

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Speaker 3: a lot of empathy for your partner, and when those

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Speaker 3: when all of that is absent, when that goes away

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Speaker 3: and it moves towards contemptuousness and criticism and defensiveness, that's

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Speaker 3: when we know.

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Speaker 4: What comensiveness seems like.

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Speaker 1: Oh man, how can I how can I even get

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Speaker 1: through to this person? Why are they? Why am I

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Speaker 1: all of a sud that's an enemy number one? I

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Speaker 1: mean I I just recently went through a break up myself,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't get easier as you get older. By

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Speaker 1: the way, that's a news flash here. It's not it's

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Speaker 1: not something that that is going to stop me from

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Speaker 1: falling in love again either, because I mean, I'm a lover,

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Speaker 1: not a fighter. And you want to pick, you want

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Speaker 1: to pick people that you think are going to make it,

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Speaker 1: but that doesn't always work, and sometimes you have to

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Speaker 1: let somebody go. If you have these signs, and I

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Speaker 1: can tell you we saw I saw most of them. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're talking about contempt defensiveness.

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Speaker 4: What's another one?

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Speaker 3: Criticism? Criticism stone walling?

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Speaker 4: Stonewall? Okay, what is stonewalling?

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Speaker 3: Stone walling is when literally it's it's like you are

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Speaker 3: talking to this person and they're they're either looking away

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Speaker 3: from you, they're not responding to you, they are changing

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Speaker 3: the subject on you, they're invalidating you in some way. Okay,

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Speaker 3: it's almost as if you didn't say anything at all.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh, So if I'm walk into a room and

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Speaker 1: he never did this, Thank God, because that's awful because

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Speaker 1: if you're walking into a room and you're trying to

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Speaker 1: talk and they're on their phone and they don't even

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Speaker 1: look up, that's stonewalling. Five one, three, seven, four, nine,

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Speaker 1: seven thousand. We really want this to be interactive. The

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Speaker 1: question is have you ever come close to separating or

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Speaker 1: divorcing and decided to stick with it?

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Speaker 5: Right?

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Speaker 1: So it's the opposite of what's going on with Nicole

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Speaker 1: Kidman and Keith Urban.

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Speaker 4: Keith Urban, it looks like he's completely done.

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Speaker 1: He's already gotten a house, they've they've signed, they've filed,

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Speaker 1: she's filed for divorce and things like that.

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Speaker 4: How does that happen? I mean, it doesn't look like.

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Speaker 1: There would be any kind of counseling, or maybe they

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Speaker 1: have because it's so public now and they knew the

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Speaker 1: moment it was going public that people are going to dissect.

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Speaker 1: They're going to go and look at old videos and

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Speaker 1: old interviews, and that's what's happening. Everyone's trying to figure out.

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Speaker 1: Is he, you know, having an affair with his guitarist.

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Speaker 1: That's what a lot of people are talking about. So

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Speaker 1: is there a time that you and your partner thought yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's time for us to break up, but let's just

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Speaker 1: give it one more try and then it worked out

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Speaker 1: five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight

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Speaker 1: hundred the big one. Donnade here on a Saturday night

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Speaker 1: with doctor Wes, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist lmft as Cerling

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Speaker 1: likes to call you so. In other words, if if

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Speaker 1: you're seeing these couples in the office and you can

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Speaker 1: tell that, wow, this is either going to be a

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Speaker 1: really high climb for these couples, do you tell them that.

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Speaker 4: Listen, you guys have some work to do. How honest

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Speaker 4: are you?

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Speaker 3: I'm very honest. I'll say the relationship that you all

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Speaker 3: have is dead. Wow, it's dead. There's no I mean,

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Speaker 3: so much has happened. Yeah, there's no coming back from it.

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Speaker 3: The question now is do we work to create a

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Speaker 3: new relationship or do I help you all to in this? Well, so.

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Speaker 1: Who responds to that more the wife or the husband

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Speaker 1: or the you know which partner is is the one

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Speaker 1: that says, all right, I agree with doctor Wes, this

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Speaker 1: is not this is not working.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, there's usually a leaning out partner. There's usually one

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Speaker 3: partner who is there just to check the box. They're

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Speaker 3: there just to say at least we tried therapy, and

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Speaker 3: so they're the ones that usually feel validated by that. Actually,

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Speaker 3: I find a lot of my couples feel validated when

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Speaker 3: I say that, because if they've already been feeling it anyway,

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Speaker 3: that this relationship is over, but maybe they've been scared

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Speaker 3: to say that just outright say it, so when I

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Speaker 3: say it, but then I give them the hope that

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Speaker 3: we know from science how to create. We know the

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Speaker 3: science of love, so we know the way to help

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Speaker 3: guide you towards a new relationship if they want it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a lot of work, it can be, but

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Speaker 1: it can be rewarding. Let's go to the phone with Steve.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna pick this up. Oh Steve, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't fast enough. Oh no, here you are. I'm sorry, Steve.

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Speaker 1: Are you there?

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Speaker 2: Hi?

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Speaker 4: Seeve from Middletown. Are you there?

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Speaker 7: Yeah? Yeah, you're right.

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Speaker 1: Donna Dye and doctor Wes So, have you come close

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Speaker 1: to separating or divorcing your partner and decided to stick

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Speaker 1: with it?

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Speaker 7: No?

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Speaker 8: But I listened to this scenario and I'm like, man,

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Speaker 8: are people really that crazy? If somebody is that bad

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Speaker 8: for you.

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Speaker 6: You don't know that, like six months before, a year before.

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Speaker 4: Are you in a relationship right now?

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Speaker 8: Steve thirty years the same moment.

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Speaker 4: Okay, that is unbelievable.

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Speaker 6: I never had that thought.

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Speaker 8: Never had that thought. No, anybody that ever has that thought, like, hey,

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Speaker 8: something might be wrong, you're going the wrong direction.

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Speaker 1: Well, I agree with you, but like there are there

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Speaker 1: are times like we're going to get more into this too.

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Speaker 1: But if there is a person that's lonely and they

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Speaker 1: want companionship, but they see red flags and they're not

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Speaker 1: quite sure this person is going to be the perfect

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Speaker 1: person for me, but they're good for now, lea.

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Speaker 7: Leave, leave, just get away.

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Speaker 8: If it's not perfect, why would you just stick around?

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Speaker 8: It's with anything in life. If it's not perfect, why

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Speaker 8: wouldn't you Why would you stick around the situation you

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Speaker 8: were questionable about in anything, whether you're gambling, drinking, whatever

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Speaker 8: you're doing in life, of it feels like, hey, it

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Speaker 8: might not be right, just walk away.

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Speaker 4: Early, listen. I mean you must be.

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Speaker 1: He's the bravest person planet see because no.

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Speaker 6: I'm honest.

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Speaker 8: I'm honest, and I know most people aren't honest, but

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Speaker 8: I am. If it's not right, just walk away. Hey,

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Speaker 8: you know, you know, you know, you might pretend and

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Speaker 8: make up scenarios in your mind like oh maybe it

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Speaker 8: was just this, maybe she was just kissing, but she

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Speaker 8: was really underneath whatever. But hey, yeah, you know as

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Speaker 8: a man, as a man, you know, at least I do.

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Speaker 4: Is he making sense to Yes? Absolutely so.

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Speaker 1: So. I mean I just feel like it's not that

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Speaker 1: easy to just leave if you if you have kids, Steve.

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Speaker 8: Well, that's the scenario you have to think about, and

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Speaker 8: you're like, hey, I'm taking them, or I'm going to

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Speaker 8: be a part time to ad, which most people don't

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Speaker 8: want to be because it never works out very good

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Speaker 8: for that person. But that's stuff I never thought about

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Speaker 8: that scenario.

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Speaker 7: You asked me a question. I wasn't ready for it.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, it looks that's my job.

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Speaker 6: No, you did good.

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Speaker 8: But in your mind, you got to know when you

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Speaker 8: get into something, it's like, hey, it's going to work.

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Speaker 6: It's not going to work.

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Speaker 8: You know, most people know, I feel like and stay,

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Speaker 8: pretend and try different things or whatever. And some people

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Speaker 8: live through disasters for children, which turns out bad for

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Speaker 8: the kids.

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Speaker 7: Obviously.

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Speaker 8: Most of the time, there.

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Speaker 1: Is what's the divorce rate right now, doctor Wes, would

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Speaker 1: you say it's over fifty percent? And then they say

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Speaker 1: that there's another twenty percent that are staying together because

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Speaker 1: of money and the kids, so they're not happy. So

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Speaker 1: the race of happy co Yeah, those are the statistics one.

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Speaker 8: Hundred years from now. Who's going to tie your shoes?

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Speaker 7: You know what I mean?

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Speaker 8: Hey, it doesn't matter. You just got to do what

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Speaker 8: makes you good now because we don't have we're all

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Speaker 8: limited on this art, you know that. But just be

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Speaker 8: happy and if you're not happy, just move on quickly

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Speaker 8: because you're wasting your time. Six months a year, Hey,

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Speaker 8: that half your life.

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Speaker 6: Depending on what's going on.

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Speaker 7: We never know.

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Speaker 4: I couldn't agree with you more.

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Speaker 1: And I love the fact that you're saying this in

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Speaker 1: a thirty year marriage.

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Speaker 4: So I love that.

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Speaker 8: Steveey, Oh no, no, Hey, that's the only person I

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Speaker 8: wanted to be with. And if it went south twenty

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Speaker 8: five years ago, twenty eight years ago, six months ago,

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Speaker 8: I don't walk away.

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Speaker 6: I still will look.

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Speaker 8: I'm good looking, I can.

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Speaker 1: Still find Hey, I love it.

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Speaker 8: I'm okay, I'm happy. I don't want nothing else, and hey,

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Speaker 8: I appreciate you guys.

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Speaker 6: Show I really enjoyed it.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: This is the first night now and you're our first caller,

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Speaker 1: So thanks so much, Steve. I appreciate it. Thanks, have

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Speaker 1: a good night. Oh I hung up on him. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I agree with Steve. And there's and there's plenty of

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Speaker 1: times where you know that it's wrong. He's right, You

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Speaker 1: know that it's wrong, and you should walk away. There

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Speaker 1: are just sometimes you just are afraid to do that.

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Speaker 3: It's a trauma bond.

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Speaker 4: Is that what it is?

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Speaker 3: A lot of times it's a trauma bond. You have

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Speaker 3: bonded through each of you came with your own wounds

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Speaker 3: and you became each other's savior, each other's validating source,

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Speaker 3: source of validation and affirmation. And whether you know it's

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Speaker 3: bad or not, it's you have to have it.

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Speaker 1: Well what if you just what if you're you know,

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Speaker 1: because listen, I happen to agree with Steve. There were

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Speaker 1: times where I should have left my marriage. I was

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Speaker 1: married for sixteen years. Happily fourteen two years prior I

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Speaker 1: should have left that relationship and we're still friends. So

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Speaker 1: like everything's good and it ended up the way that

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Speaker 1: it should. But I knew two years prior that this

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Speaker 1: was definitely not working and I need to walk away.

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Speaker 1: He went left and I went right, and it was

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Speaker 1: it was just a matter of But.

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Speaker 4: It was sad.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's hard to break up with somebody. It's

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Speaker 1: hard to let somebody go. It is not easy, especially

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Speaker 1: when you're this why I have so much compassion for

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Speaker 1: Nicole Kidman who seems devastated.

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Speaker 4: And Keith Urban looks like he's already moving on.

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Speaker 1: He's got his own house, he's you know, and that's

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Speaker 1: devastating to see.

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Speaker 3: Sure, so.

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Speaker 4: You know, we're going to talk about letting go.

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Speaker 1: But honestly, if it was as easy as Steve made it,

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Speaker 1: and just if you're not happy, then be gone.

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Speaker 4: It's not that easy.

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Speaker 3: No, No, some people are able to And I'm not

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Speaker 3: talking about Steve. I'm talking about just generally. I see

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Speaker 3: in my practice that some people can just compartmentalize really well,

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Speaker 3: they can disassociate really well, and they just they just

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Speaker 3: stuff it. They just put it in the closet, stuff it,

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Speaker 3: move on to the next person.

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Speaker 1: And then the and then you become we'll move on

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Speaker 1: to the next person. So they stuff it. They don't

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Speaker 1: learn that's right. Then they marry this or together with

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Speaker 1: somebody that's exactly like the person they.

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Speaker 3: Left right right, Yeah, they don't do their own work.

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Speaker 3: And that's that is where you ask about couples that

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Speaker 3: can I tell if they're going to make it or not?

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Speaker 3: I ask are they willing to do their own work?

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Speaker 3: Are they willing to do individual therapy? And if they are,

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Speaker 3: that increases the likelihood of success in couples therapy in

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Speaker 3: my opinion.

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Speaker 1: And is it usually one out of the two or yeah,

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Speaker 1: because it's usually one that's fighting for it and the

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Speaker 1: other one's like, I'm already done. I'm going here because

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Speaker 1: we've been together for a while, but I've already resigned.

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Speaker 1: And isn't that the case that one of the person,

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Speaker 1: one of the people in the in the partnership has

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Speaker 1: given up before the other one?

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Speaker 3: M h Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And if somebody just decides that no, this isn't working

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Speaker 1: for me anymore. After they get to that point, it's

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Speaker 1: hard to come back from that. Yeah, Okay, I mean

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Speaker 1: let's go, Oh, let's go quickly to Mark. I think

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Speaker 1: we're on. Let's grab Mark from Florence real quick.

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Speaker 4: Mark Hay, how are you You're on? With Donna d

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Speaker 4: and doctor.

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Speaker 9: Wes Hey, Hello, guys. I just want to say hello there. Hey,

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Speaker 9: I just want to say quickly if I could please that,

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Speaker 9: uh hey that in regards that last caller, Now, hey,

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Speaker 9: he might have been one hundred. He might have he

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Speaker 9: might have done what he said he you know, would

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Speaker 9: do and still be that way. The only thing I

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Speaker 9: want to say to that is I used to criticize

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Speaker 9: my dad for thirty five years. He was always going

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Speaker 9: to leave his wife, but he never did. And I

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Speaker 9: remember thinking what a what it was? You know, even

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Speaker 9: though I love him, he's my dad, but I always thought, oh,

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Speaker 9: come on, hey. And then so then when I got

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Speaker 9: in a relationship, then I learned it's not that easy.

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Speaker 9: And Donna, I just agree with you when you say

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Speaker 9: it's not that easy. That's the same thing. Oh it

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Speaker 9: was easy to say, but not so easy to do it. Hey.

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Speaker 9: Maybe and again maybe Steve would he could carried through it. Maybe,

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Speaker 9: but I just I just know for myself, Oh, I

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Speaker 9: was a big talker. I was good at talking, but

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Speaker 9: when it came down to it, not so much.

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Speaker 1: It's smart, thank you, because I'm like, am I crazy

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Speaker 1: or what?

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Speaker 4: Because Steve was just saying, you just leave, you just

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Speaker 4: walk away. Is that easy? You're not happy? You go.

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Speaker 1: Well, I mean for some people maybe, but for most

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Speaker 1: of us it's painful.

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Speaker 9: Well hey, yeah, no, I'm sorry, go ahead, sir.

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Speaker 7: I didn't mean to rupt you, No.

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Speaker 3: No, I was just going to say some people have

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Speaker 3: already morened the loss of their relationship, and they are

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Speaker 3: that they've already gone through the grieving process before they

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Speaker 3: ever decide to leave their relationship. So that could be

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Speaker 3: a possibility.

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Speaker 4: Okay, Well, that that is.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of like mourning, something like the death of

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Speaker 1: the death of a relationship. People can go through mourning

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Speaker 1: before the other one even knows what's happening.

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Speaker 3: That's right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Mark, thanks saying did you wanted to say something?

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Speaker 1: One quick question? We're up against the wall thirty.

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Speaker 9: Seconds, Yeah, Donna, just real quick if I could. Hey,

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Speaker 9: and it's not only that it is, I mean a

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Speaker 9: couple of one of the women was kind of on

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Speaker 9: the crazy side. I'm thinking, what kind of like, this

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Speaker 9: is not going to be pretty. It's going to be.

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Speaker 6: It's going to be.

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Speaker 9: It's going to be so that the disruption. Yeah is so, Hey, guys,

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Speaker 9: go on your show.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Mark for Colin so Saturday Night.

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Speaker 1: It's Dona D Doctor West. We're coming coming up. We're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about the trust thing. I have a

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Speaker 1: story of what happened with my friend. She lost trust

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Speaker 1: and can you build that trust back in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Donna D Doctor West. Saturday Night, seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,

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Speaker 1: Saturday Night, Hundreck WLW Donna D with Doctor Wes. So,

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Speaker 1: do you have trust issues because of an X? So?

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Speaker 1: Doctor Wes and I were talking about when couples should

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Speaker 1: call it quits, when there's enough trust and space in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that you should try and work it out.

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Speaker 1: There's definitely times where you should work it out, but

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Speaker 1: there's also times to let toxic people go. And you

403
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Speaker 1: were talking about the four pillar pillars of basically when

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Speaker 1: you know that as a as a couple's counselor right

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Speaker 1: when you know that these couples are not going to

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Speaker 1: work it out, can you go over those again?

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Speaker 3: Yes? So it's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So, and we talked about it a little bit

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Speaker 1: off air. You think contempt is probably the worst.

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Speaker 3: Contempt is the biggest predictor of separation or divorce.

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Speaker 4: And can you describe contempt.

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Speaker 3: Contempt as where you literally you always it's like having

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Speaker 3: negative sentiment override. You're always thinking negative, You're always expecting

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Speaker 3: the worst in the person. You don't believe in the person.

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Speaker 3: You're you're you're just there they go again that you

416
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,000
Speaker 3: know they're always that way. Yeah, I roll you, yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's it's the it's it's believing the worst in your partner.

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Speaker 3: You've lost your faith in them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's a good time to say, I can't

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Speaker 1: be around this person anymore because they don't see the

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Speaker 1: good in me anymore. And stonewalling is awful because if

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Speaker 1: you're going in and you're trying to connect a bid

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Speaker 1: for connection and go in there and you talk to

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Speaker 1: your partner and they don't get off their phone, yep.

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Speaker 1: And maybe you're talking to your husband and you'll say, listen,

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Speaker 1: what you did earlier, I just don't feel connected to you.

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Speaker 1: Can we have a conversation and he ignores you and

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Speaker 1: he'll stay on his phone or vice versa. The woman

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Speaker 1: can do this too, that's stonewalling.

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Speaker 3: Stonewalling is so hurtful because it is a total invalidation

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Speaker 3: of what you're feeling when you're reaching for your partner

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Speaker 3: and they just they just act like they don't hear you,

433
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Speaker 3: or they change the subject. It completely invalidates your feelings,

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Speaker 3: your thinking right, and it's very destructive for someone in

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Speaker 3: a relationship.

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Speaker 1: You know, I was married happily for fourteen out of

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Speaker 1: the sixteen years, and my husband and I had a

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Speaker 1: great relationship and it went downhill. When it went downhill,

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Speaker 1: went down pretty fast. And I remember feeling so alone

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Speaker 1: when I was laying next to them in bed, and

441
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,320
Speaker 1: I thought I would rather be on my own and

442
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,880
Speaker 1: feeling alone in my own bed with nobody there, than

443
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,120
Speaker 1: having that feeling of being with somebody that doesn't care

444
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking, doesn't listen, doesn't validate me, doesn't doesn't

445
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:55,880
Speaker 1: appreciate my bids for connections, right, And that's what was happening.

446
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,119
Speaker 1: It was I can tell you there were plenty of

447
00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: stuff I did wrong in the relationship too. This is

448
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,200
Speaker 1: not what's I died, But when it comes to stonewalling

449
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:08,359
Speaker 1: and contempt, he had some of that and it felt terrible. Now,

450
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:13,520
Speaker 1: we know, trust, when you when you lose trust, that's

451
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 1: a whole another ballgame. Right, So if somebody doesn't trust

452
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: their partner, that's a pretty good sign that that that

453
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: that the relationship might be over right. So I have

454
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,240
Speaker 1: a friend and this is a small they've been dating for,

455
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 1: you know, about a year or so, and she thought

456
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:35,920
Speaker 1: he was texting another woman and she didn't say anything,

457
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:41,080
Speaker 1: and she was upset all night, and the next day

458
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: she just couldn't take it anymore and she had to

459
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 1: say something to him.

460
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:51,840
Speaker 4: And he was receptive that day. And why would you

461
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,840
Speaker 4: think that? No, of course not. I mean, of course

462
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:54,399
Speaker 4: I love you.

463
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,480
Speaker 1: I would don't even know what you're talking about, don't

464
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,639
Speaker 1: even know the moment you're No.

465
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 4: I didn't text anybody else but this.

466
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,479
Speaker 1: The day after, he thought about it, and he didn't

467
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: liked being questioned like that, and he was like, this

468
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 1: is the kind of stuff that makes me want to run.

469
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 1: And they've worked it out, but I thought, isn't that

470
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,400
Speaker 1: the stuff you need to be saying to your partner

471
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 1: and discussing those things five one, three, seven, four nine

472
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: seven thousand. It's done a D and doctor Wes. We

473
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,159
Speaker 1: want this to be interactive, so please call. Do you

474
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: have trust issues? Have you ever regretted trusting somebody and

475
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 1: knowing within your fiber and your being that you shouldn't

476
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,639
Speaker 1: have done it, and you stayed with him anyway and

477
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,200
Speaker 1: you got burned. Has that ever happened to you or

478
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,879
Speaker 1: do you? Do you have trust issues now because of

479
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,280
Speaker 1: an X five one, three, seven four, nine, seven thousand,

480
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 1: eight hundred, the big one, Doctor Wes, what do you say?

481
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 7: Yeah?

482
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 3: I think that the reason why uh number one to

483
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:56,320
Speaker 3: answer your question. It should be okay to ask, hey,

484
00:23:56,359 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 3: I noticed that you were texting, and I'm just curious.

485
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,200
Speaker 3: It should be okay to be vulnerable and to say, hey,

486
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:08,399
Speaker 3: was that who was that? Right? Yeah? That if you

487
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,119
Speaker 3: have nothing to hide, why would you be defensive about that?

488
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:12,160
Speaker 7: Right?

489
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,159
Speaker 3: So I think that that's a part of building that

490
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 3: secure base in a relationship. Right, You have to have security,

491
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 3: you have to have a base.

492
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,880
Speaker 1: So so, doctor Wes, if you and I were dating, right,

493
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: and and you said you said that to me, Donna,

494
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,920
Speaker 1: I feel like you were texting somebody.

495
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 3: Yeah.

496
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel that way, but I do.

497
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,880
Speaker 1: And I got to get over this. Can you tell

498
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,919
Speaker 1: me if you were. I'm sorry if this is going

499
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 1: to be making you feel weird, but I have to

500
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 1: I have to talk this through. And I would say no,

501
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,919
Speaker 1: I was not no. If I wasn't, no, of course not.

502
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:56,359
Speaker 1: And if you said can I see your phone? My

503
00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:01,679
Speaker 1: answer would be yes, you can see my phone, But

504
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,960
Speaker 1: I don't know what road that would take us down

505
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,800
Speaker 1: in this relationship. Now you're asking me, and I'm telling you,

506
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 1: and you have to trust me on that. Mm hmm,

507
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 1: Yes you can see my phone. But after I'm telling

508
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,160
Speaker 1: you this, do you still want to? And if they

509
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,159
Speaker 1: say yes, what does that look like?

510
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 3: If they say yes, that that you can continue?

511
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 4: If they say yes, I still want to see your phone?

512
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:32,399
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that that. That's when I'm trying to

513
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 3: help couples rebuild trust after an affair. I say complete

514
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 3: transparency on the phones.

515
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 1: So anytime somebody wants to feel like, I have autonomy

516
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,119
Speaker 1: to see what you're doing because you've already you've already

517
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:50,240
Speaker 1: broken my trust. And if we're trying to build this,

518
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,359
Speaker 1: I have to be able to How does that work?

519
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:54,120
Speaker 3: Yeah?

520
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: How does it work? Does that trust ever come back fully?

521
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 3: If the person is open and if they are non

522
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 3: defensive non So that's the key part is they have

523
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 3: to be I have couples do what's called an ownership letter,

524
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:14,400
Speaker 3: and they own their behavior. They own exactly what set

525
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,560
Speaker 3: them up for the infidelity or the affair. And then

526
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 3: I say, yes, you have to be completely non defensive.

527
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:24,119
Speaker 3: You have wounded your partner. You've got to own that.

528
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,280
Speaker 3: And if they have a moment in time where they're

529
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,040
Speaker 3: insecure and they want to see your phone, if you

530
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:35,479
Speaker 3: don't allow that to happen, then you're just basically saying, uh,

531
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 3: to your partner that their feelings don't matter, that the

532
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 3: hurt doesn't matter anymore.

533
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: So does that mean that does that mean that you

534
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:52,959
Speaker 1: should give your passcode to your to your partner?

535
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 4: Yeah? I should.

536
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 1: You should somebody give their passcode anyway? I mean that

537
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 1: is that? Is that a must in a relationship? Should

538
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 1: I say, oh, yeah, here's my phone, here's my pass code.

539
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 4: I'm with you. I should be trusting you.

540
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:13,359
Speaker 3: Yeah. I think that past codes couples. I have couples

541
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,880
Speaker 3: that share emails, they look at each other's emails. They yeah,

542
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 3: why not? What do you have to hide? Right? I

543
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 3: think that that creates security and a secure base in

544
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:30,280
Speaker 3: a relationship. Now, there could be some people who say, I,

545
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:34,159
Speaker 3: that's an invasion of my privacy and you can negotiate that.

546
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 3: You can negotiate it but.

547
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 1: So what if someone says, look, I don't want to

548
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 1: have this, She's going to question me on everything, right

549
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,879
Speaker 1: she if I give her my passcode, she's going to

550
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,800
Speaker 1: look at things that happened four years ago.

551
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,639
Speaker 3: Or so that's an issue that she needs to work on.

552
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, at that point, what can she do to help

553
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: herself and work on that? Because obviously there's a trust issue.

554
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 1: So what can she do if she wants to stay

555
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,760
Speaker 1: with this guy and build.

556
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 3: She's got to work on the wounded part of herself

557
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,159
Speaker 3: and she's got to be able to do some I

558
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 3: would recommend individual therapy, yeah, right, to help work on

559
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,879
Speaker 3: healing that part of her. But she also has to

560
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 3: build some inner security, some inner trust that she can

561
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 3: depend on herself, that she doesn't have to depend on

562
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:22,520
Speaker 3: her partner.

563
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:26,399
Speaker 1: Do you think do you think taking personal responsibility? Because

564
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: it listen, I might get in trouble for saying this,

565
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,880
Speaker 1: but I feel this way one hundred percent. It does

566
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,879
Speaker 1: take two people in a relationship for someone to cheat,

567
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 1: because and that may sound terrible, but I feel like

568
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 1: happy people don't go and cheat on other people. It's rare,

569
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 1: it does happen. It does happen. But if you're happy

570
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:49,719
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you're good. Usually people don't stray.

571
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,400
Speaker 1: It's you know, after the three or four or five

572
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: year that maybe things you let your guard down a

573
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 1: little bit, you're not as loving to each other, you're

574
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,640
Speaker 1: not as kind, Maybe can temp rolls in, maybe you know,

575
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,880
Speaker 1: you know, some of the other things that you talk about,

576
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: stone walling and stuff. And then if somebody's not getting

577
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 1: love and appreciated in a relationship, they're gonna find it

578
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:12,560
Speaker 1: someplace else.

579
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 3: That's right.

580
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: So taking personal responsibility, even if you're not the one

581
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 1: that cheated, of how the relationship went awry.

582
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:20,920
Speaker 3: That's right.

583
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 1: Is that important? That's very important on both sides. Obviously

584
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 1: the one that cheated should you know, obviously get the

585
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:29,240
Speaker 1: majority of it.

586
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 4: I think, But like.

587
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,239
Speaker 3: I do a relationship autopsy after that's what I call it.

588
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 3: Let's look at what happened, and let's look at the

589
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 3: vulnerabilities and affairs. Affairs occur because it allows somebody to

590
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:49,960
Speaker 3: get back in touch with who they are. Right, it's

591
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,960
Speaker 3: not usually about the partner that they're cheating with. It's

592
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 3: about the experience of how they feel about themselves when

593
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:57,479
Speaker 3: they're with that person.

594
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 4: So when right I agree with that.

595
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,960
Speaker 1: And when and when there's trust issues and they're trying

596
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 1: to build back, what is the percentage of couples that

597
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:09,239
Speaker 1: can get through that.

598
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's I don't have an exact percentage, but I

599
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 3: would say that it's if I had to guess, it's

600
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 3: fit at least with the couples that you Yeah, it's

601
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 3: about fifty to fifty. Some some do, some don't. And

602
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 3: it's really based on how humility. There has to be

603
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,960
Speaker 3: humility and there has to be ownership. If I have

604
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,800
Speaker 3: a couple that if I have somebody that comes in

605
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,280
Speaker 3: and has cheated and they start giving me all the

606
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,800
Speaker 3: reasons why they cheated and they feel entitled to the

607
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 3: fact that they cheated, that's not going to work. Yeah, Yeah,

608
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 3: that's not going to work.

609
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 1: Yeah.

610
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:44,959
Speaker 3: They're blinded by their needs and they're feeling like they

611
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 3: need to validate themselves. If they come in and they

612
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:51,959
Speaker 3: have there they're humble and they are willing to do

613
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 3: the work, and they're willing to be completely transparent and

614
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 3: open with their partner, then I think trust can be rebuilt,

615
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 3: but it has to go slow, it has to be consistent,

616
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 3: and there's got to be check ins every single day.

617
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: You know, I like the check ins, like how you're

618
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: doing Yeah, I mean am I am i? Am I

619
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: doing a good job? Or how you know, do you

620
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: feel more comfortable?

621
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 4: Am I listening? Do you feel heard?

622
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 1: Those types of things, because trust issues are not just

623
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:26,840
Speaker 1: about cheating either. They're about like if you've disrespected somebody

624
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,800
Speaker 1: in public, right and and you don't feel like your

625
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 1: partner has your back anymore, It's like, how did I

626
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 1: become enemy number one with you?

627
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 4: Why?

628
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,920
Speaker 1: Because that's a big trust issue. He doesn't have my back.

629
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 1: I think having someone's back in a relationship is really

630
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:43,680
Speaker 1: really important.

631
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 4: It's underrated. Where would you score.

632
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 3: That that's very high having someone's back.

633
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 4: Yeah.

634
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 3: Absolutely. That's part of when we talked earlier about what

635
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 3: makes successful couple's work, that's exactly part of it is

636
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 3: that they have each other's back. They believe the best

637
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:04,160
Speaker 3: in each other. They are going to there each other's cheerleader,

638
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:05,440
Speaker 3: right right.

639
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that you can't argue, and it

640
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're not going to be frustrated with

641
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,600
Speaker 1: each other and things like that, but do it in

642
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:14,880
Speaker 1: the privacy of your home.

643
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 4: Don't get into an argument.

644
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: Hopefully not in front of a group of people and

645
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:24,040
Speaker 1: embarrass each other. Yeah, right, Having each other's back is

646
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,760
Speaker 1: also saying, listen, let's not do this now we're in public.

647
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 1: Let's go back and we'll talk about I'm so sorry

648
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 1: that you're feeling this way right now.

649
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 3: Or what you're doing by what you just said is

650
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 3: you're acknowledging what happened, You're validating the emotion, and you're

651
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,560
Speaker 3: setting the expectation that we're going to come back and

652
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 3: talk about it. Successful couples make it because they navigate

653
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 3: what's called the repair attempt. They have a successful repair attempt,

654
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 3: they come back to it, they talk about it. The

655
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,960
Speaker 3: couples that don't make it just sweep it under the rug.

656
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 3: They ignore it, but they don't talk about it.

657
00:32:55,560 --> 00:33:01,080
Speaker 1: Right, a successful repair attempt, that's right, What does tell

658
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:01,960
Speaker 1: me what that looks like?

659
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 3: So to me an example, yeah, so that would be

660
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:06,320
Speaker 3: kind of like what you just did. But hey, I

661
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 3: want to talk about what happened and when this happened,

662
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:13,040
Speaker 3: and using eye language is so important. When when this happened,

663
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 3: when this disagreement happened, I felt hurt. I felt hurt

664
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:25,880
Speaker 3: because I felt misunderstood. I felt it really hit a

665
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 3: raw spot within me, right, I didn't know if you

666
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,920
Speaker 3: were there for me or not, and I really needed

667
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:33,640
Speaker 3: to know that you were there for me in that moment.

668
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 3: And so what I'm asking for is in the future,

669
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,200
Speaker 3: is is can you can we show up for each

670
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 3: other together? So you're acknowledging the situation, you're acknowledging your feelings,

671
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 3: and you're making your you're requesting a making a request

672
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,160
Speaker 3: in a positive way, not a negative way. It's a

673
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 3: positive need that you're requesting. Can we show up for

674
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 3: each other?

675
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:56,160
Speaker 2: Yeah?

676
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, instead of saying you're always talking about me

677
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 1: and you know, can we discuss this at home and

678
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:06,640
Speaker 1: let's be there for each other. Let's look at each

679
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: other in the most positive light. I'm giving you the

680
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,520
Speaker 1: benefit of the now. I know you didn't mean to

681
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:13,960
Speaker 1: embarrass me. It happens sometimes, right, Can we talk about

682
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 1: like not doing that again because I'm embarrassed or I've

683
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,520
Speaker 1: had this or that. Man, I wish we could all

684
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,879
Speaker 1: just be like Steve who has it so easy. Right,

685
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:25,880
Speaker 1: not happy? You're not happy, then you just walk away.

686
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,279
Speaker 1: So coming up, and this has been such a great conversation,

687
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:31,080
Speaker 1: we do want to I know there were three calls

688
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,719
Speaker 1: and I don't know how come they hung up. And

689
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:36,080
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry if I didn't get back to you

690
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,879
Speaker 1: in time because I'm not used to the phone yet.

691
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 1: But I'm getting it. If I went three, seven, four hundred,

692
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: the big one. We want this conversation to be very interactive. Donna, Dee,

693
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: Doctor Wes. It's Saturday night, coming back. We are going

694
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,560
Speaker 1: to talk about how do you know you found your soulmate?

695
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,000
Speaker 1: This is going to be really good and there's going

696
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,400
Speaker 1: to be three green flags on relationships.

697
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 4: We're talking about the.

698
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 1: Tough stuff on when when you should leave a relationship,

699
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,399
Speaker 1: and there is a time when you need to say,

700
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,960
Speaker 1: even if it's you're not planning on getting a divorced,

701
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 1: you're just separating yourselves because what you have been doing

702
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:19,080
Speaker 1: is not working right. So you just you literally say,

703
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,319
Speaker 1: I'm changing the situation right now. I don't know what

704
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,960
Speaker 1: happens to us in a month or two, but for

705
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: right now, I am getting away from the contempt. I'm

706
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,719
Speaker 1: getting away from the stone walling. I'm getting away from

707
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 1: the defensiveness. I'm getting away from what am I missing?

708
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,120
Speaker 1: Criticism that's right, I don't want to be criticized I

709
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 1: feel like everything I say is not working and you're

710
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 1: defensive and we can't talk about it. That's the time

711
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,799
Speaker 1: when you say, all right, we got to split up

712
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 1: for a second. I'll go to my sisters, I'll go

713
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 1: to my mother's, I'll go to my whatever, and just

714
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:52,400
Speaker 1: change the scenario.

715
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 3: Then you have the repair attempt. You got to come

716
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 3: back and have the repair attempt, right.

717
00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: So and so when we come back, we're going to

718
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:02,879
Speaker 1: tell a little bit more about this, and then how

719
00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 1: do you know when you find your soulmate?

720
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 4: And this is really, really good. I'm very excited to

721
00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:09,680
Speaker 4: talk about that.

722
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,759
Speaker 1: Five one, three Sember ninety seven thousand, Dona d Doctor West,

723
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:17,479
Speaker 1: Saturday Night on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Why we want

724
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:21,000
Speaker 1: people to be invested in looking up and knowing how

725
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,839
Speaker 1: many I mean, look at the stars, look at.

726
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 3: The moon, live at the sun.

727
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: It's just absolutely gorgeous, and it reminds us of how

728
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: small we actually are. And why do we take ourselves

729
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 1: so seriously? Yep, I mean seriously, why can't we just

730
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:40,359
Speaker 1: be happy and and love our lives. And if we

731
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 1: don't love our lives, change it and tell the people

732
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: that we do love in our lives.

733
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 4: That we love them.

734
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 3: Why is that so hard?

735
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 4: Right?

736
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 1: So, we've been talking about rebuilding trust in a relationship

737
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 1: and is that possible? A friend of mine is going

738
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 1: through that right now in a relationship. It takes wes,

739
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,440
Speaker 1: we were talking talking about it. It can't just be

740
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,920
Speaker 1: one person trying to rebuild trust. It has It takes

741
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:09,799
Speaker 1: two to repair a relationship. And and and and if

742
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,520
Speaker 1: there's somebody that's half heartedly in it, what are the

743
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:13,320
Speaker 1: chances that's.

744
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,720
Speaker 3: Going to happen? Mm hmm, Now no, it's the chances

745
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 3: are very low that that that's going to happen.

746
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 6: Uh.

747
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:23,040
Speaker 3: And so really we're talking about I have a lot

748
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:26,439
Speaker 3: of thoughts on this actually, but it's a secure base.

749
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 3: You're gonna hear me talk a lot about that about

750
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 3: a relationship. To rebuild trust, you have to rebuild your

751
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 3: secure base. And that means that means that you can

752
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:39,760
Speaker 3: be you can let your guard down, you can breathe

753
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 3: a little easier, you can know that you're safe with

754
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 3: this person, right, that you've got security. It's that that

755
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:49,360
Speaker 3: they've got your back. Like what you've said before, and.

756
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:53,200
Speaker 1: Would you say checking in with your partner multiple times

757
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 1: on it's okay?

758
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:54,839
Speaker 4: If you want to talk.

759
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm you know, I'm I'm going to be

760
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,279
Speaker 1: down the street, and you know, text me as much

761
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: as you want. I know, during this time, we need

762
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:06,919
Speaker 1: to rebuild this and repair this. I mean why would

763
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: why would? Because we've talked about this earlier. This will

764
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: bring this back back for a second, because I think

765
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:17,520
Speaker 1: it's important. Why would somebody be half in anyway?

766
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:17,879
Speaker 7: Why?

767
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 4: Why?

768
00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:22,320
Speaker 1: If you have all this work to do to repair

769
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 1: the relationship, why is it that somebody would say, Okay,

770
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 1: I am, I'm going to do it, but I don't

771
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 1: think this is going to work.

772
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 3: Fear. Fear, Yeah, I think it's fear.

773
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,240
Speaker 1: You know, this relationship stuff. This is why we're talking

774
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:44,239
Speaker 1: about it. Five one three seven, four hundred the Big One.

775
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:46,320
Speaker 4: Give us a call. We want to talk to you.

776
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,839
Speaker 1: We want to hear about your your trust issues too,

777
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 1: because if you have successfully repaired a relationship, please call

778
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:55,840
Speaker 1: us and tell us about it, because that's kind of

779
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:59,000
Speaker 1: a big deal and the odds of that happening are

780
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 1: fairly slim, especially if you've been cheated on or something.

781
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: But trust issues can go way deeper than at then

782
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: that as well. Five one three ninety seven thousand. We

783
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: do have run on but I do want Joe, I

784
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 1: want to play this clip. I listened to this guy.

785
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 1: This was really funny. This girl asked this therapist, how

786
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 1: do you know when you found your soul meat, how do.

787
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:22,879
Speaker 3: You know when you found the one?

788
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 10: Well, you'll find the right one faster if you say

789
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 10: no to the wrong one quicker woo. So you have

790
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 10: to get good at saying no at the same time

791
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,239
Speaker 10: as you're creating opportunities, because opportunities are not just going

792
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 10: to bring you more of a chance that you meet

793
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 10: the right person. They're also going to bring you more

794
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 10: of the wrong people. And you're going to have to

795
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:44,759
Speaker 10: get very good at disqualifying people along the way. If

796
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,960
Speaker 10: the right person for you is number fifteen, it's a

797
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 10: crude way of looking at it. But if they're number

798
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 10: fifteen and you need to get through the next fourteen, well,

799
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:55,919
Speaker 10: if you spend three years on each one of these,

800
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:57,239
Speaker 10: you may never get.

801
00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:57,800
Speaker 6: To this person.

802
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:01,240
Speaker 10: But if you can zip through those fourteen a lot faster,

803
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:04,359
Speaker 10: you're going to get to fifteen at a completely different rate.

804
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:08,080
Speaker 10: So that proactivity and the ability to say no faster

805
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:09,319
Speaker 10: two big ones.

806
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 3: If you want to find love faster.

807
00:40:11,239 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 4: Isn't that amazing?

808
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:12,839
Speaker 9: Right?

809
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:15,200
Speaker 1: So I actually, and Ron, We're going to get to

810
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:18,200
Speaker 1: you in just a second. I actually am somebody that

811
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: knows when I need to get out of a relationship,

812
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: but don't do it like I've to do it.

813
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 4: That three year thing.

814
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 1: I'm getting better at it. Okay, I'm getting better at it,

815
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 1: but that three year thing is a real thing for me.

816
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 1: That's why I even played the clip because it hit home.

817
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: It hit so home to me because I have I

818
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 1: don't want to say wasted, because I feel like every

819
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 1: relationship is important to me. But I have to get

820
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 1: to my fifteen and I still have probably ten more

821
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 1: to go, or six at least nine more to go.

822
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:50,759
Speaker 4: And if I'm spending three years.

823
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:55,200
Speaker 1: Finding spending time with somebody who's half in, right, just

824
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,480
Speaker 1: like the trust issue, if you've broken trust and you say,

825
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,680
Speaker 1: all right, I still love you, we can repair it.

826
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:03,200
Speaker 1: If we're both in and you've got somebody that's halfway in,

827
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,600
Speaker 1: why am I going to do that to myself? So

828
00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:07,520
Speaker 1: why is it so hard to let go? We're going

829
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,960
Speaker 1: to get to the phones real quick. Hey, Ron in Springboro,

830
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,120
Speaker 1: it's Donnade and doctor West. You're on seven hundred WLW.

831
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:15,000
Speaker 1: Thanks for calling in.

832
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 6: What's up hey, great show, very interesting, Thank you. Well,

833
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,520
Speaker 6: I guess, but in my case, and I guess in

834
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 6: a lot of cases, marrying some well, going out with

835
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:33,040
Speaker 6: someone been marrying now, and there's a big age difference.

836
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:36,279
Speaker 6: Like my ex wife was twelve years younger than me.

837
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 6: I didn't get married till late in life. I was

838
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 6: thirty six, she was twenty four. First sixteen years was

839
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:55,880
Speaker 6: great about age thirty eight for her. She started hanging

840
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,640
Speaker 6: out with people younger than her.

841
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,960
Speaker 4: Oh boy, and that made you a real big difference

842
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 4: in age.

843
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:10,080
Speaker 6: Then, yes, we would try to double date and I

844
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 6: would have nothing in common with these people, and it

845
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:19,560
Speaker 6: was just you know about hitting bled a divorce, and

846
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 6: I just wonder how much how many times that plays

847
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:24,400
Speaker 6: a factor in the age difference.

848
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,280
Speaker 1: That's a good question, doctor West. Do you see that often?

849
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 1: I mean, ron, I will tell you this that happened

850
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:33,200
Speaker 1: to me. So I was I was just getting divorced

851
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 1: and I met this guy. I was thirty nine and

852
00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 1: he was twenty nine, and I was like, there's no way,

853
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: there's no way. And then his brother, who was very

854
00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 1: close to him, was twenty four and his girlfriend was twenty,

855
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 1: so the four of us used to I just I

856
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 1: had the same exact thing happened. So the four of

857
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:51,600
Speaker 1: us would go out, and I really liked them all

858
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 1: very very much, and I had so much fun with him.

859
00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:57,040
Speaker 1: But in the back of my mind, I'm like, what

860
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:59,040
Speaker 1: am I doing? What am I doing here? I'm like

861
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:01,319
Speaker 1: the oldest person. I could be her mother. I mean,

862
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:04,279
Speaker 1: this is so weird. And I ended up with that

863
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,760
Speaker 1: guy for three years.

864
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 6: Three years, well I did sixteen, so you know, it's

865
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:16,000
Speaker 6: definitely different. You know, people change, and you know, I

866
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 6: guess she went through a midlife crisis if there is

867
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:19,399
Speaker 6: such a thing.

868
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,080
Speaker 1: No, there is one hundred percent a midlife crisis for

869
00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 1: men and for women. Would you agree with that after worry?

870
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 3: Absolutely?

871
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like Ron, And that's a lot of

872
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:33,080
Speaker 1: you know, when these guys are on second divorces and

873
00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 1: they try and go out with younger guys a younger women,

874
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,239
Speaker 1: I wish they would listen to you, because it's not

875
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,480
Speaker 1: always hunky dory to be going out with, you know,

876
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,520
Speaker 1: people that don't you don't have anything in common with,

877
00:43:45,719 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 1: and then they all have friends, they have friends that

878
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:49,000
Speaker 1: you have nothing in common with.

879
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,320
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's a huge factor, you know. And you know,

880
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,080
Speaker 6: like they say, you know, when you get married, you

881
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,920
Speaker 6: marry their family. Well you're also marrying their friends.

882
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, one percent on you get all the friends. Ron,

883
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,040
Speaker 1: are you and Nora are We're going to come to

884
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 1: you right in one second. Run Are you dating anyone? Now?

885
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:09,839
Speaker 4: Have you picked up the pieces? Where are you at?

886
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:15,240
Speaker 6: I am dating where not what we call wafering girlfriend.

887
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:18,759
Speaker 6: She has her place, I have mine. We hang out,

888
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:24,320
Speaker 6: we vacation together. But you know, it's it's not a commitment,

889
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,960
Speaker 6: not like we're out running around with other people.

890
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: But.

891
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:29,800
Speaker 4: Taking it slow.

892
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:34,360
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm in the work now almost nine years. You know,

893
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:39,000
Speaker 6: I'm in a hurry, and you know, perfectly happy with

894
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:39,800
Speaker 6: this situation.

895
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's nice to be Sometimes it's nice to be

896
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:46,400
Speaker 1: in your own home by yourself. You don't, you know,

897
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,839
Speaker 1: you live alone and then you can just go hang

898
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:50,640
Speaker 1: it somebody else's house for a little bit.

899
00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:51,919
Speaker 7: Yeah.

900
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:54,360
Speaker 6: We call them away games and she stays here. I

901
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:54,879
Speaker 6: go there.

902
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 1: I love it. Ron, Thank you so much for the

903
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Let's go to Nora in Cincinnati. Nora, how

904
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,040
Speaker 1: you doing tonight? All right?

905
00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:09,360
Speaker 11: My name is Norma gene con and I wanted to

906
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,279
Speaker 11: tell you how I met my soulmate. I used to

907
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:19,279
Speaker 11: live in the high Rise building and in Westwood and

908
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 11: I'm basically impaired, and he was he just lost his site.

909
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:28,480
Speaker 11: But we were married six years and then he got

910
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:34,000
Speaker 11: sick and real and died. And then when he was

911
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:38,360
Speaker 11: six he uh, he would say Nancy things to me,

912
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:40,840
Speaker 11: and I would you know, I would forgive him, but

913
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:43,919
Speaker 11: you know, I loved him just the same. Like I said,

914
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,120
Speaker 11: he died in two thousand and two. He was real

915
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:50,719
Speaker 11: sick January third, so I kind of missed him, but

916
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 11: you know, I'm happy he's not suffered anymore.

917
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I mean, you know what, thanks for the call, Nora,

918
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:01,279
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. That is uh, that is hard, you know,

919
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 1: as we get older too, that's a reality for all

920
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 1: of us. I talked about Jane Goodall today on the

921
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 1: you know I was on earlier with Sterling, and you know,

922
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:15,720
Speaker 1: she lived in ninety one and she was still traveling.

923
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,279
Speaker 1: She had all of she was so bright and still

924
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:21,680
Speaker 1: smart at ninety one, traveling three hundred days out of

925
00:46:21,719 --> 00:46:26,680
Speaker 1: the year. But it is really sad and hard when

926
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:29,840
Speaker 1: you have somebody that you love and care about and

927
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:30,640
Speaker 1: they go first.

928
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 3: That's right. Yeah, that is very devastating, and it's important

929
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:40,600
Speaker 3: that we talk about, you know, how to grieve in

930
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,719
Speaker 3: that case, and how couples go on, how one member

931
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,040
Speaker 3: of the couple goes on.

932
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:49,160
Speaker 1: And so that's but it's kind of the same thing

933
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 1: as we talked about letting go period, Like, if you

934
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,879
Speaker 1: have to let go of a relationship, it's like a death.

935
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,840
Speaker 1: It is, and it can be just as painful. I

936
00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:01,160
Speaker 1: would rather have you know, cod strapped throat and pink

937
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:04,959
Speaker 1: eye then have to deal with heartbreak. Sure, but there's

938
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 1: a reason why we go through it, and I feel

939
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:12,360
Speaker 1: like it's to get stronger personally. You have to understand

940
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:16,160
Speaker 1: that every relationship that you've been in in this life

941
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:19,480
Speaker 1: serves a purpose. Now, yes, are there times where you

942
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,560
Speaker 1: know that you should listen to that inner voice or

943
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,480
Speaker 1: intuition that says you don't need to be in this relationship.

944
00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 1: You need to let go of this person. He's not

945
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:30,719
Speaker 1: your soulmate or she's not your soulmate. You have to

946
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:33,480
Speaker 1: let this person go, and you don't do it for

947
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: fear or attachment issues, or you really like this person

948
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 1: even though you know that it's not the right thing

949
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 1: to do. Yeah, there are different mind Why do we

950
00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:49,719
Speaker 1: do that, doctor West? Why do we hold on to

951
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:52,080
Speaker 1: people longer than they should be in our lives?

952
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:56,799
Speaker 3: I think for a lot of people it goes back

953
00:47:56,880 --> 00:48:02,600
Speaker 3: to the they're meeting a need that they fear can't

954
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:05,760
Speaker 3: be met otherwise. They fear it can't be met otherwise,

955
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,799
Speaker 3: so they hold on to that person so that they can.

956
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,640
Speaker 3: It's familiarity, too, right. We want to be with people

957
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 3: who are familiar and familiar situations.

958
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:17,440
Speaker 4: True, right, Oh my gosh.

959
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 1: If you're familiar, then people are more afraid, even if

960
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:25,040
Speaker 1: it's a better scenario. They're afraid of the unknown, even

961
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 1: if it's better than what they're already used to. Let's

962
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,839
Speaker 1: go to John from Miamisburg. John, Hi, it's done a dan,

963
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,560
Speaker 1: doctor Wes. Have you seen the moon tonight?

964
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,160
Speaker 4: It's absolutely gorgeous.

965
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 7: It is really awesome.

966
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:42,360
Speaker 12: But yeah, I was just going to weigh in on

967
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,640
Speaker 12: the relationship problems with today and I think that social

968
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:50,719
Speaker 12: media plays a big part and why relationships don't work out.

969
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 1: Tell me, why tell me why you think because I'm

970
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: not saying I disagree in any way, shape or form,

971
00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:57,759
Speaker 1: But why do you think so? John?

972
00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:01,520
Speaker 12: I think it goes back to the saying comparison is

973
00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 12: the thief of joy. Yeah, people don't really appreciate what

974
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:08,160
Speaker 12: they have. They're just always comparing what they have on

975
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:10,759
Speaker 12: social media to what their friends are doing, you know,

976
00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:13,800
Speaker 12: and kind of just enjoy them and enjoying the spouse

977
00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:15,799
Speaker 12: that they have. They're comparing, you know, all this guy

978
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:18,480
Speaker 12: makes more money, or this lady looks prettier. You know,

979
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:21,280
Speaker 12: it's it's just my personal opinion.

980
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:22,319
Speaker 9: No, I mean, I.

981
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:25,120
Speaker 1: Literally Wes and I talked about that quote right before

982
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 1: we got on air. Comparison is that the thief of

983
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,600
Speaker 1: joy or thief of contentment? It is a very big

984
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:36,640
Speaker 1: problem on social media when you're looking at friends on Facebook, Instagram,

985
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:40,399
Speaker 1: everybody looks like they're having the best time. Everybody looks

986
00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:43,360
Speaker 1: like everyone's enjoying yours and you're sitting at home scrolling,

987
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:46,360
Speaker 1: and then you start comparing, why didn't they why didn't

988
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:48,520
Speaker 1: they ask me to go out? Why don't have a boyfriend?

989
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:51,359
Speaker 1: And then the loneliness sets in, and then that's when

990
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,359
Speaker 1: the bad decisions start coming. And I could not agree more.

991
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:58,360
Speaker 1: What do you think, doctor Wes, is a cure for that?

992
00:49:58,960 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 2: What?

993
00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:02,759
Speaker 4: What do get all social media or John, you tell me.

994
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:07,760
Speaker 12: To me again, I'm I've been married to lind years.

995
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:12,680
Speaker 12: My my take on it is is I'm very competitive,

996
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:15,000
Speaker 12: and so is my wife. We were both college athletes.

997
00:50:15,239 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 12: We met down in Kentucky. But we try to compete

998
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,959
Speaker 12: with how much we serve each other. And that really,

999
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:26,200
Speaker 12: I think is unheard of nowadays because it's all about me,

1000
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:27,640
Speaker 12: me and me. What can you do for me?

1001
00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:29,359
Speaker 7: But just for us.

1002
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:31,839
Speaker 12: How we make our marriage work is because we got

1003
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,759
Speaker 12: kids too, So we look on social media too and

1004
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,680
Speaker 12: we see other people, you know what, they're kids that

1005
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,239
Speaker 12: did me and stuff. But you know, we we go

1006
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:41,719
Speaker 12: to King's Island here, like our kid when we make

1007
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:44,319
Speaker 12: it three hours before, they have meltdowns. So we see

1008
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,600
Speaker 12: all these pictures, you know, people posting, you know, all

1009
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 12: smiley faces, but they don't see the meltdowns before, you know,

1010
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,759
Speaker 12: like getting there and getting out of there.

1011
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,279
Speaker 6: So that's just can you can you.

1012
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:57,240
Speaker 1: Tell me that? Because I think that's a great question

1013
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:00,719
Speaker 1: to ask ask the callers. Next you tell me that

1014
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:02,839
Speaker 1: quote where you say you serve each other?

1015
00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:05,759
Speaker 4: Can you reiterate we.

1016
00:51:05,920 --> 00:51:08,040
Speaker 7: Compete with how much we serve each other.

1017
00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:10,440
Speaker 12: So I try to outserve her, and she tries to

1018
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:14,040
Speaker 12: outserve me. So it's, you know, instead of like what

1019
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,960
Speaker 12: can you do for me? What can what can I

1020
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 12: do for her? It's, you know, we just try to

1021
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:21,960
Speaker 12: compete with serve and serving each other.

1022
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:24,759
Speaker 1: I mean, is there a better I'm not sure I've

1023
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:28,120
Speaker 1: heard of anything better than that tonight, I honest to goodness.

1024
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:31,920
Speaker 1: We compete with how we serve each other, how well

1025
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:32,880
Speaker 1: we serve each other.

1026
00:51:33,239 --> 00:51:34,920
Speaker 4: Like, sweetheart, do you want a cup of coffee? I

1027
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:35,239
Speaker 4: got you.

1028
00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 1: Sit down, You've been working all day. Let me, let

1029
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: me get your water, Let me get you whatever you need.

1030
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 1: Do you want me to go to the store. Do

1031
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:43,120
Speaker 1: you want me to pick something up? Do you want

1032
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:44,759
Speaker 1: me to take the kids out for an hour? Is

1033
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:45,799
Speaker 1: that what you're talking about?

1034
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 12: John, right exactly. And we're both instuce. We put God first,

1035
00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:54,960
Speaker 12: and we had the mentality the closer we grow to God,

1036
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:58,400
Speaker 12: the closer we'll go to each other. So let's just

1037
00:51:58,719 --> 00:51:59,319
Speaker 12: try to have a.

1038
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:07,000
Speaker 1: How important is faith doctor Wes. It's very relationships very important. Yeah, absolutely, yeah,

1039
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 1: they're this the spirituality component, uh it. It gives you

1040
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,120
Speaker 1: a guide, especially in the Christian faith, that gives you

1041
00:52:14,239 --> 00:52:18,640
Speaker 1: a guide. Yeah, I mean that, John, John, that's such

1042
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:20,840
Speaker 1: a great call and I really appreciate it. I couldn't

1043
00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:22,640
Speaker 1: agree with you more on the social media and what

1044
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 1: a lovely gesture that you and your wife have. How

1045
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 1: long have you been married?

1046
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:30,800
Speaker 12: We've been married eleven years. And again it's it's not easy,

1047
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,800
Speaker 12: you know, it's it's tough. But again when when you

1048
00:52:34,880 --> 00:52:35,960
Speaker 12: find the right person and.

1049
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:39,439
Speaker 7: You love them.

1050
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 4: So yeah, I love it.

1051
00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:45,280
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for the call, John, These calls

1052
00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 1: have been so great tonight and I really appreciate it.

1053
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:50,840
Speaker 1: It's don a Dean doctor wes uh Saturday night. We

1054
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:53,359
Speaker 1: do want you to be interactive with us five one

1055
00:52:53,400 --> 00:52:56,360
Speaker 1: three seven four ninety seven thousand, one eight hundred. The

1056
00:52:56,400 --> 00:53:00,800
Speaker 1: big one it is, I mean to this segment with

1057
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:06,000
Speaker 1: how to serve one another? And compete with that who's

1058
00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:07,600
Speaker 1: gonna get better at like giving?

1059
00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:08,480
Speaker 3: Right?

1060
00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:12,000
Speaker 1: And he's like, I don't think couples think about that anymore,

1061
00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,920
Speaker 1: but that is a big deal. It is how can

1062
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 1: we compete with making you? How can I make you happier?

1063
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:21,320
Speaker 1: Like I'm winning. I'm winning at making you happy?

1064
00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:21,680
Speaker 5: Right?

1065
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:23,440
Speaker 4: Is there anything better than that?

1066
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:24,200
Speaker 6: Right?

1067
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,719
Speaker 1: When we come back, we're going to talk more about that,

1068
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:30,719
Speaker 1: and also with the because he did mention a quote

1069
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:33,359
Speaker 1: we were talking about. Comparison is the thief of joy, kid,

1070
00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:36,840
Speaker 1: the thief of contentment, the thief of happiness. Have you

1071
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:40,360
Speaker 1: ever lost a relationship through comparison? And I've got a

1072
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:43,239
Speaker 1: pretty interesting story about that. Five one three seven, nine

1073
00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:51,239
Speaker 1: seven thousand, Dona D. Doctor Wes on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Wow,

1074
00:53:51,400 --> 00:53:54,000
Speaker 1: all the time is flying by. It's already twenty to eleven.

1075
00:53:54,120 --> 00:53:54,800
Speaker 4: It's crazy.

1076
00:53:55,120 --> 00:53:59,800
Speaker 1: Donna D and doctor Wes licensed Family marriage therapist added

1077
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:01,840
Speaker 1: to see, you're my buddy. We've known each other for

1078
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:04,759
Speaker 1: a long long time and I always ask you to

1079
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,000
Speaker 1: come on with Sterling and I and tonight we're doing

1080
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 1: something different. We have a little bit of a relationship

1081
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,040
Speaker 1: show going on. We do want this to be very interactive.

1082
00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:16,080
Speaker 1: Five one three, seven four nine hundred the Big One.

1083
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:20,600
Speaker 1: We do have so many great calls tonight and I

1084
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:23,160
Speaker 1: appreciate it. So please, if you want to ask something

1085
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:26,440
Speaker 1: to myself or doctor Wes something about your relationship, you

1086
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,279
Speaker 1: don't have to say your name. We know some of

1087
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:31,360
Speaker 1: this stuff can be very personal, so you can just

1088
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,920
Speaker 1: make up a name and disguise your voice even if

1089
00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:36,200
Speaker 1: you want to, But now is the time to really

1090
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,760
Speaker 1: get some advice and get some help and support because

1091
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: this isn't easy.

1092
00:54:41,239 --> 00:54:44,040
Speaker 4: And we just talked who was it. Who did we

1093
00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:44,440
Speaker 4: talk to?

1094
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:44,799
Speaker 5: Oh?

1095
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,960
Speaker 1: John, who was such a great caller, and he gave

1096
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,240
Speaker 1: the quote where Wes and I talked about this earlier.

1097
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:53,960
Speaker 1: Comparison is the thief of joy and the thief of

1098
00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:57,560
Speaker 1: contentment when you're comparing your relationship or your partner with

1099
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,640
Speaker 1: somebody else. I mean, at no time, like like the

1100
00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:04,080
Speaker 1: present has it been easier for people to jump on

1101
00:55:04,320 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 1: social media or jump on a dating app and make

1102
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:08,680
Speaker 1: it completely.

1103
00:55:11,120 --> 00:55:14,000
Speaker 4: Impossible. Sometimes if you're feeling a.

1104
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:18,720
Speaker 1: Little bored in your relationship or I mean you're annoyed

1105
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:21,359
Speaker 1: with your you know you're going you're annoyed with your

1106
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,560
Speaker 1: spouse two weeks, three weeks in a row, and you

1107
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:26,520
Speaker 1: go on social media and you see someone you like

1108
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:29,719
Speaker 1: and you message them. Right, the grass is greener on

1109
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:34,280
Speaker 1: the other side, and it can be hard. How detrimental

1110
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 1: can it be? And John was talking about this about

1111
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:40,400
Speaker 1: social media and all the dating apps. There's fifty of

1112
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 1: them now, I think, how hard is it to lay

1113
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:47,120
Speaker 1: off those things when you're having trouble in your relationship.

1114
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:51,880
Speaker 13: It's detrimental with that to the relationship. How hard is

1115
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:55,640
Speaker 13: it though, I mean it's it's easy. Maybe that wasn't

1116
00:55:55,640 --> 00:55:58,279
Speaker 13: the right question, and I think I threw you off

1117
00:55:58,400 --> 00:55:58,640
Speaker 13: on that.

1118
00:55:58,920 --> 00:56:04,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, hard is it to maintain a relationship and be

1119
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:08,680
Speaker 1: monogamous when there's a million dating apps and social media?

1120
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:11,520
Speaker 1: If you feel like it's not going the right way, sure,

1121
00:56:11,640 --> 00:56:16,040
Speaker 1: it's it's really challenging. I think that, Uh, to be quite,

1122
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:18,279
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's the grass is always greener. On

1123
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:21,520
Speaker 1: the other side, it's a dopamine hit, right, We're always

1124
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:26,319
Speaker 1: looking for something new. Novelty is very important in a relationship.

1125
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:30,239
Speaker 1: Couples get bored and they start looking for something new, right,

1126
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:33,040
Speaker 1: or they want to reconnect with old partners, or they

1127
00:56:33,120 --> 00:56:36,279
Speaker 1: want to It's very detrimental and it's all about that

1128
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:38,879
Speaker 1: dopamine hit in the brain. Are you one of those

1129
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:41,719
Speaker 1: people that get bored? I have to I have to

1130
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: admit that sometimes, you know, sometimes I do get a

1131
00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:47,400
Speaker 1: little bored and I nitpick a little bit a little bit.

1132
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:52,879
Speaker 1: I'm trying so hard to as I get older, appreciate

1133
00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:56,200
Speaker 1: the things that would drive me nuts in an earlier age.

1134
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:56,440
Speaker 6: Right.

1135
00:56:56,880 --> 00:56:59,480
Speaker 1: And I do feel like as you get older, you

1136
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:02,360
Speaker 1: you you really can let some of that stuff go,

1137
00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:03,760
Speaker 1: like let us slide.

1138
00:57:04,239 --> 00:57:05,440
Speaker 4: What's the big deal if.

1139
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:07,560
Speaker 1: He's chewing loud or he didn't put the pans in

1140
00:57:07,640 --> 00:57:09,600
Speaker 1: the dishwasher right right, it's.

1141
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:12,400
Speaker 3: A little And this may be controversial, I don't know,

1142
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,719
Speaker 3: but it's I think people can become lazy in relationships

1143
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:18,439
Speaker 3: and they don't want to do the work. They don't

1144
00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:19,760
Speaker 3: want to do the work, so they just want to

1145
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:21,360
Speaker 3: go to a dating app and they want to get

1146
00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:25,360
Speaker 3: you know, their needs met there, so instead of addressing

1147
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:29,040
Speaker 3: it with their partner and having those hard conversations, they

1148
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:29,600
Speaker 3: even have.

1149
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 1: Those, you know, on Instagram. As I'm talking about social media.

1150
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:36,000
Speaker 1: On Instagram, they'll have this guy walk up to a couple,

1151
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:37,600
Speaker 1: how long have you been dating? Oh?

1152
00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:40,000
Speaker 4: About four years? You're happy? Yeah, I'm happy.

1153
00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 1: And then he goes, can you see let me see

1154
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:44,280
Speaker 1: your phone and see if one of you is on

1155
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:46,360
Speaker 1: a dating app, and the guy will go sure. Usually

1156
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:49,040
Speaker 1: it's the girl that's on the dating app. It's crazy.

1157
00:57:49,200 --> 00:57:51,000
Speaker 1: I mean nine out of ten times it's the girl

1158
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:53,160
Speaker 1: that's on the dating app, and she'll.

1159
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 4: Say, no, I don't want to do it.

1160
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,480
Speaker 1: I don't know if any of this stuff is made up,

1161
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:59,720
Speaker 1: but it seems real and it seems like, Wow, somebody

1162
00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:03,480
Speaker 1: just got hurt, right, somebody just got broken in front

1163
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:04,880
Speaker 1: of while somebody's filming.

1164
00:58:04,960 --> 00:58:06,160
Speaker 4: And the guy is always just.

1165
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 1: Like, how could you do this?

1166
00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:08,840
Speaker 8: Why this is you?

1167
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 4: She's like, it's not me. How could you do this

1168
00:58:11,600 --> 00:58:11,840
Speaker 4: to me?

1169
00:58:12,120 --> 00:58:14,760
Speaker 3: But why is she on the dating app? Why is

1170
00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:15,320
Speaker 3: she on there?

1171
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:20,120
Speaker 1: Because she can be she has other opportunities. Yeah, it's terrible,

1172
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:24,680
Speaker 1: but it's it's because she's Is she getting her needs met?

1173
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:28,320
Speaker 1: Does she communicate what her needs are? Does the couple

1174
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:30,560
Speaker 1: really talk about that? A lot of couples I work

1175
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:33,080
Speaker 1: with they don't talk about what they really need.

1176
00:58:33,720 --> 00:58:37,040
Speaker 4: That's because they get comfortable. She loves me, I love her.

1177
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:39,800
Speaker 1: Let's just sit on the couch and order do or dash, right,

1178
00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:42,880
Speaker 1: I mean, is there a way that you can you

1179
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:43,600
Speaker 1: can say.

1180
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:45,040
Speaker 4: Look, I'm gonna get on it.

1181
00:58:45,320 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 1: I mean, just be honest about it. I'm gonna get

1182
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:50,320
Speaker 1: on a dating app if you don't hang out with

1183
00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:52,080
Speaker 1: me and go out with my friends and let's plan

1184
00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:54,919
Speaker 1: a trip or let's go see a movie or something.

1185
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:57,040
Speaker 1: Let's get out of the house. Let's go to Bill

1186
00:58:57,400 --> 00:59:00,360
Speaker 1: from Coleraine Township way in here five and three four

1187
00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:03,280
Speaker 1: ninety seven thousand. We do want to hear from you. Bill,

1188
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:07,360
Speaker 1: thanks for calling. You're on with Donnade and doctor Wes.

1189
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:08,000
Speaker 1: What's going on?

1190
00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:16,479
Speaker 7: Good evening, Hi, Hi. I'm in a situation to where

1191
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:24,920
Speaker 7: I have lukemia diagnosed five years ago and I was

1192
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:32,360
Speaker 7: in Florida with my wife. She had a granddaughter from along,

1193
00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:36,520
Speaker 7: which is my step granddaughter, who I absolutely love dearly.

1194
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:43,920
Speaker 7: She's six years old. I can't get anywhere in this relationship.

1195
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:50,000
Speaker 7: My wife is an alcoholic, just got a lot of

1196
00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:52,640
Speaker 7: things going on, and I'm to the point where I

1197
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:53,760
Speaker 7: don't know what the hell.

1198
00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,280
Speaker 12: To do next.

1199
00:59:56,800 --> 00:59:58,520
Speaker 4: How long have you been with her, Bill.

1200
01:00:00,480 --> 01:00:03,439
Speaker 7: We've been married thirteen years.

1201
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:07,120
Speaker 1: And then have you tried talking to her and saying, listen,

1202
01:00:07,280 --> 01:00:08,640
Speaker 1: I'm at my WIT's end.

1203
01:00:09,880 --> 01:00:12,560
Speaker 7: I have told her I'm at my wits end, even

1204
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:18,760
Speaker 7: threatened to walk out. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It just

1205
01:00:18,840 --> 01:00:19,840
Speaker 7: absolutely doesn't matter.

1206
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:22,840
Speaker 4: She does she not? Does she not respond? How does

1207
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:23,720
Speaker 4: she respond to that?

1208
01:00:25,800 --> 01:00:28,840
Speaker 7: I don't know if she does respond, other than she'll

1209
01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:34,160
Speaker 7: go over her daughter's house, which that's a whole other issue.

1210
01:00:35,640 --> 01:00:41,200
Speaker 7: And She'll stay Friday night, Saturday night, come home Sunday

1211
01:00:42,720 --> 01:00:49,160
Speaker 7: with a step granddaughter, her granddaughter, and I'm just I'm

1212
01:00:49,200 --> 01:00:50,080
Speaker 7: beside myself.

1213
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:52,480
Speaker 1: I can tell I can, I can hear it, and

1214
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:55,520
Speaker 1: and and oftentimes Bill, if you've been if you've been

1215
01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:57,920
Speaker 1: doing it for a while with her, you can make

1216
01:00:58,000 --> 01:01:00,480
Speaker 1: yourself sick. And I know that you've got lukie or

1217
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:05,000
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you're going through that. And but

1218
01:01:05,160 --> 01:01:08,320
Speaker 1: behavior is a language, right doctor Wes. If he's reaching

1219
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:11,760
Speaker 1: out and saying, I'm I am having a hard time

1220
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:15,000
Speaker 1: connecting with you, and I am I'm I'm at the

1221
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:17,840
Speaker 1: point where I am done, And she doesn't care.

1222
01:01:17,960 --> 01:01:19,160
Speaker 3: It sounds like stonewalling.

1223
01:01:19,680 --> 01:01:23,640
Speaker 1: It does sound like stonewalling from from her on on

1224
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:27,880
Speaker 1: her end, right, Yeah, she she walks out, she goes away,

1225
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:31,800
Speaker 1: leaves him to his thoughts, comes back on Sunday, and

1226
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:34,520
Speaker 1: then there's then she just what Bill stays in the

1227
01:01:34,560 --> 01:01:36,280
Speaker 1: house and you guys don't address it again.

1228
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 7: Yeah, basically Monday through Friday, she's working. I have a

1229
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:46,840
Speaker 7: part time job. It's it's just I don't I said.

1230
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:50,560
Speaker 4: At this point, I'm sorry, I can hear it.

1231
01:01:50,720 --> 01:01:55,320
Speaker 7: Other than walking out and I'm living a six year

1232
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:59,440
Speaker 7: old who like dear we love we are raised in

1233
01:01:59,560 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 7: just six year old because of her daughter, her act together.

1234
01:02:07,960 --> 01:02:08,240
Speaker 4: Wes.

1235
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:09,560
Speaker 3: What do you think he should do?

1236
01:02:09,920 --> 01:02:12,080
Speaker 1: Bill? Bill, thank you so much for the call. We

1237
01:02:12,240 --> 01:02:15,600
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. What what do you think Bill should do?

1238
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:16,880
Speaker 7: You know?

1239
01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:20,120
Speaker 3: I think have you tried couple's therapy or is that

1240
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:20,760
Speaker 3: not an option?

1241
01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:22,240
Speaker 7: I have not.

1242
01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:24,080
Speaker 1: Have not?

1243
01:02:24,600 --> 01:02:27,320
Speaker 4: Do you think she would be would she be willing

1244
01:02:27,440 --> 01:02:27,920
Speaker 4: to try it?

1245
01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:28,280
Speaker 9: Bill?

1246
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:30,720
Speaker 1: I don't.

1247
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:35,280
Speaker 7: I can't answer that straight forward or other. I don't

1248
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,080
Speaker 7: know if she would or not. I don't know.

1249
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:42,560
Speaker 1: If you said for the health of our six year

1250
01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:45,440
Speaker 1: old that we're taking care of, can we go and

1251
01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:49,800
Speaker 1: speak to somebody because you're your drinking is out of control.

1252
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:53,479
Speaker 1: I'm getting sicker by the moment and we're looking after

1253
01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 1: this this little girl who needs us. Can we be

1254
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:02,560
Speaker 1: some sort of role models for this little girl and

1255
01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:05,360
Speaker 1: both try Can you talk to her like that? Bill?

1256
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:08,840
Speaker 7: I guess I could.

1257
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:12,880
Speaker 4: You got to go for it because at this point

1258
01:03:13,200 --> 01:03:14,560
Speaker 4: you have nothing else to lose.

1259
01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:19,040
Speaker 1: So instead of like it maybe not threatening, maybe take

1260
01:03:19,080 --> 01:03:20,480
Speaker 1: the positive root.

1261
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:22,160
Speaker 4: We talked about that earlier.

1262
01:03:22,240 --> 01:03:26,560
Speaker 1: Docus right, So if he goes in a positive room, listen,

1263
01:03:26,800 --> 01:03:29,040
Speaker 1: we still have things we can fight for, and it's

1264
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:30,919
Speaker 1: including this six year old little girl.

1265
01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:33,200
Speaker 4: I'm willing to fight for this relationship.

1266
01:03:33,280 --> 01:03:34,320
Speaker 3: Are you right?

1267
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:37,320
Speaker 1: And get your answer, and if she says no or

1268
01:03:37,400 --> 01:03:40,560
Speaker 1: anything other than yes, then I would suggest you go

1269
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,320
Speaker 1: get counseling for yourself and do whatever you can for

1270
01:03:43,440 --> 01:03:45,640
Speaker 1: your six that six year old little girl.

1271
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:50,400
Speaker 4: That's my advice. Thank you, Bill, Thank you so much.

1272
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:53,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna send you so much energy, positive energy, and

1273
01:03:53,120 --> 01:03:55,400
Speaker 1: good luck. I mean, this happens all the time, wes.

1274
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 1: When when there's somebody that cares and wants to work

1275
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:02,400
Speaker 1: on the relationship and the other one is just like

1276
01:04:03,040 --> 01:04:05,360
Speaker 1: why why is why is his wife still in this?

1277
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:08,439
Speaker 4: Why is she there? And we don't know both sides

1278
01:04:08,480 --> 01:04:08,880
Speaker 4: of the story.

1279
01:04:09,040 --> 01:04:12,560
Speaker 3: We don't, we don't, but it's it's I'm suspicious of

1280
01:04:12,800 --> 01:04:17,960
Speaker 3: attachment injuries or attachment wounds, So that would be I'm

1281
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:20,440
Speaker 3: really curious, and I'd be asking her on her end,

1282
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:24,640
Speaker 3: what happened in this relationship that caused you to disconnect

1283
01:04:24,800 --> 01:04:28,480
Speaker 3: from your partner and then turn towards Was it the

1284
01:04:28,600 --> 01:04:31,960
Speaker 3: daughter that she turns towards, turns towards other family members

1285
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:36,000
Speaker 3: to get emotional needs met yeah, right, or just to

1286
01:04:36,120 --> 01:04:37,240
Speaker 3: get space from him.

1287
01:04:37,520 --> 01:04:40,400
Speaker 1: It sounds like, you know, maybe he's not saying it

1288
01:04:40,520 --> 01:04:43,560
Speaker 1: the right way, but you can tell, we can tell

1289
01:04:43,760 --> 01:04:47,280
Speaker 1: just by talking to him for a moment that he's

1290
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:48,080
Speaker 1: at his WIT's end.

1291
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:51,320
Speaker 3: Well, he's hurting, he's deeply hurting, right, and he's at it. Yeah,

1292
01:04:51,480 --> 01:04:54,000
Speaker 3: you're right, he's at his what ends too? And and

1293
01:04:54,200 --> 01:04:59,000
Speaker 3: so and meanwhile it sounds like she's stonewalling and and

1294
01:04:59,120 --> 01:05:03,040
Speaker 3: that's totally invalidating and hurting him even more. Right, So

1295
01:05:03,160 --> 01:05:05,320
Speaker 3: he's stuck in he's stuck in this pattern. It's a

1296
01:05:05,400 --> 01:05:09,520
Speaker 3: pursue withdraw pattern perhaps, right, where the more he pursues,

1297
01:05:09,600 --> 01:05:13,920
Speaker 3: the more she withdraws. Right, And so a couple's therapists

1298
01:05:13,960 --> 01:05:18,920
Speaker 3: could help to under to uncover what is the primary

1299
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:23,320
Speaker 3: emotion that is not being shared that she's feeling, right,

1300
01:05:23,600 --> 01:05:24,800
Speaker 3: So how do you uncover that?

1301
01:05:24,960 --> 01:05:25,880
Speaker 4: What can he say?

1302
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:28,960
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean, you can try the positive route.

1303
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:31,920
Speaker 1: We've got this six year old that we've been left

1304
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 1: to take care of. She needs us, and that could

1305
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:38,880
Speaker 1: be some motivation if you can put it that way.

1306
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:43,200
Speaker 1: But what can he say to her that will snap

1307
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:44,000
Speaker 1: her out of it?

1308
01:05:44,280 --> 01:05:50,040
Speaker 3: I think validating her emotions, so so asking open ended questions.

1309
01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:54,160
Speaker 3: I'm curious, you know, I've noticed that you you know

1310
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,680
Speaker 3: you you leave and you retreat and you go to

1311
01:05:57,280 --> 01:06:01,000
Speaker 3: other family members. I'm wondering, what's happening for you in

1312
01:06:01,120 --> 01:06:03,440
Speaker 3: our really between the two of us, that causes you

1313
01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:06,120
Speaker 3: to do that, What's happening for you? What are you

1314
01:06:06,280 --> 01:06:11,320
Speaker 3: feeling at your core? Those types of open ended questions

1315
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:16,000
Speaker 3: and then listening and then echoing back what she said,

1316
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:19,920
Speaker 3: and that validates it. She may not feel heard. I

1317
01:06:20,000 --> 01:06:22,920
Speaker 3: don't know, we don't know the story right, but I

1318
01:06:23,040 --> 01:06:25,240
Speaker 3: definitely think that it it would need to start with

1319
01:06:26,680 --> 01:06:31,280
Speaker 3: just just approaching it by saying, I'm hurting. We got

1320
01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:33,120
Speaker 3: to make it. We can't, we can't make it all.

1321
01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:36,040
Speaker 3: We can't blame her in any way, no, right.

1322
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:40,160
Speaker 1: No, But the pain that I heard in that guy

1323
01:06:40,240 --> 01:06:44,760
Speaker 1: Bill's voice, our caller, I mean, I'm reminded of this

1324
01:06:44,960 --> 01:06:47,840
Speaker 1: time I went to this church in San Francisco.

1325
01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:49,120
Speaker 4: It was a long long time ago.

1326
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:50,600
Speaker 1: It was called the Glide Church, and there was a

1327
01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:55,480
Speaker 1: visiting pastor and he he he was talking about learning

1328
01:06:56,160 --> 01:06:59,880
Speaker 1: life's lessons and he said, he said, if I want

1329
01:06:59,920 --> 01:07:03,080
Speaker 1: to learn something, don't sit me next to a scholar

1330
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:07,200
Speaker 1: that's been you know, go in school for fifteen twenty years.

1331
01:07:07,520 --> 01:07:09,720
Speaker 1: Sit me next to somebody who's loved and lost, and

1332
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:14,240
Speaker 1: I'm gonna learn something. That guy had pain. He had pain.

1333
01:07:14,360 --> 01:07:17,400
Speaker 1: I could feel it in his heart, was in his

1334
01:07:17,640 --> 01:07:22,440
Speaker 1: throat talking about it, and he once, this is it.

1335
01:07:22,640 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 4: Just happens all the time.

1336
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:25,160
Speaker 3: She's shut down.

1337
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:28,000
Speaker 1: She is shut down, and he doesn't know how to

1338
01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:31,400
Speaker 1: connect with her. It's almost like, do you remember And

1339
01:07:31,480 --> 01:07:34,600
Speaker 1: this is so cliche, but The Office is one of

1340
01:07:34,640 --> 01:07:38,840
Speaker 1: my favorite sitcoms, and it was when when Pam and

1341
01:07:39,080 --> 01:07:45,400
Speaker 1: Jim were really disconnected and she said goodbye and he

1342
01:07:45,600 --> 01:07:47,280
Speaker 1: was going to leave, and then he turned around and

1343
01:07:47,520 --> 01:07:51,160
Speaker 1: hugged her and hugged her for a long time and

1344
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:54,520
Speaker 1: just wrapped his arms around her and gave her the

1345
01:07:54,520 --> 01:07:59,000
Speaker 1: biggest tut until she melted. And it feels like it

1346
01:07:59,080 --> 01:08:01,920
Speaker 1: feels like his wife needs to be hugged. Yeah, she

1347
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:05,120
Speaker 1: needs the She needs it to be hugged until she

1348
01:08:05,240 --> 01:08:07,080
Speaker 1: can't be bitter anymore.

1349
01:08:07,320 --> 01:08:10,040
Speaker 3: Right, she needs That's right, she needs.

1350
01:08:10,120 --> 01:08:13,120
Speaker 1: Some of us just need that long hug to say

1351
01:08:13,240 --> 01:08:16,120
Speaker 1: I love you instead of putting up my guard all

1352
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:16,720
Speaker 1: the time with you.

1353
01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:17,920
Speaker 4: Whatever. Bill's done.

1354
01:08:17,960 --> 01:08:21,400
Speaker 1: He's probably done stuff too, but I mean he's he's

1355
01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:24,080
Speaker 1: they've been going back and forth and she's put a

1356
01:08:24,120 --> 01:08:26,360
Speaker 1: guard up and now she's like it's armor.

1357
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:31,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's an attachment injury, an attachment wound, and until

1358
01:08:31,680 --> 01:08:35,240
Speaker 3: that wound has been identified and talked through, I think

1359
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:36,360
Speaker 3: this pattern continues.

1360
01:08:37,000 --> 01:08:39,519
Speaker 1: And so the best way to get to that point,

1361
01:08:39,640 --> 01:08:42,439
Speaker 1: the best way to get to that that open wound,

1362
01:08:42,640 --> 01:08:46,439
Speaker 1: is to say what have I done or what are

1363
01:08:46,560 --> 01:08:47,320
Speaker 1: you feeling?

1364
01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:49,360
Speaker 4: What do you need from me?

1365
01:08:49,560 --> 01:08:53,479
Speaker 1: I'll open tell me And you can't be defensive, and

1366
01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:56,320
Speaker 1: you can't. You have to literally sit back and listen

1367
01:08:56,400 --> 01:09:01,400
Speaker 1: if you care, if you care, what is what? Couples

1368
01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:05,000
Speaker 1: need to hear this so bad. Not even just couples.

1369
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:10,400
Speaker 1: I'm talking about sisters, mothers, brothers, friends. If you are offended,

1370
01:09:10,560 --> 01:09:14,439
Speaker 1: if you get offended when you are talking to somebody

1371
01:09:14,560 --> 01:09:17,720
Speaker 1: that you love, the conversation ends.

1372
01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:18,440
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

1373
01:09:19,160 --> 01:09:22,120
Speaker 4: You literally cannot go any further. If you were like,

1374
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:23,080
Speaker 4: what did you mean by that?

1375
01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:25,760
Speaker 3: It's you. You can't do you language. You have to

1376
01:09:25,880 --> 01:09:27,080
Speaker 3: use eye language, right.

1377
01:09:27,479 --> 01:09:29,599
Speaker 1: But Wes, if I were to say to you, if

1378
01:09:29,640 --> 01:09:31,280
Speaker 1: we were talking and we were in a little bit

1379
01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:33,000
Speaker 1: of an argument, if I were to say, you know what,

1380
01:09:33,720 --> 01:09:35,680
Speaker 1: every time I hear that tone in your voice, I

1381
01:09:35,920 --> 01:09:37,000
Speaker 1: absolutely cringe.

1382
01:09:37,280 --> 01:09:39,919
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm done, I'm done, I'm checked out of the conversation.

1383
01:09:40,840 --> 01:09:44,640
Speaker 4: That's it, right, But what if what if you were

1384
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:46,720
Speaker 4: to say in response to me?

1385
01:09:47,439 --> 01:09:51,400
Speaker 1: What if you were to say, I understand your hurt Yep,

1386
01:09:52,120 --> 01:09:55,400
Speaker 1: I'm trying not to take that personally, Ken. Is there

1387
01:09:55,439 --> 01:09:57,160
Speaker 1: a way that we can talk to each other that

1388
01:09:57,320 --> 01:09:59,840
Speaker 1: I can I want to listen to you. Can you

1389
01:10:00,080 --> 01:10:01,880
Speaker 1: speak to me in a way that I can hear

1390
01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:06,040
Speaker 1: you without this huge defensive wall that's going to come

1391
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:08,880
Speaker 1: up the second you say my voice makes you want

1392
01:10:08,920 --> 01:10:12,040
Speaker 1: to cringe because that hurts. And if you're trying to

1393
01:10:12,080 --> 01:10:14,280
Speaker 1: hurt me, you just did. And I want us to

1394
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:18,320
Speaker 1: get through this, right. That's not getting offended right now.

1395
01:10:18,360 --> 01:10:23,640
Speaker 1: The offensive side is you always criticize, you always this

1396
01:10:23,960 --> 01:10:24,120
Speaker 1: or you.

1397
01:10:24,600 --> 01:10:26,960
Speaker 3: It's a harsh startup versus a soft startup is what

1398
01:10:27,040 --> 01:10:31,080
Speaker 3: you're talking about there, Yes, a soft startup is using

1399
01:10:31,400 --> 01:10:36,800
Speaker 3: a softer language, lowering the voice right, and remembering that

1400
01:10:36,880 --> 01:10:39,920
Speaker 3: we're on a team. We're on a team. I love you,

1401
01:10:40,160 --> 01:10:44,400
Speaker 3: I care for you. I'm really concerned about our disconnection

1402
01:10:44,560 --> 01:10:48,800
Speaker 3: here and I really want to get to understand what's

1403
01:10:48,840 --> 01:10:51,200
Speaker 3: happening for you right now, because you.

1404
01:10:51,760 --> 01:10:55,080
Speaker 1: Know when your partner is out of whack, you know

1405
01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:58,559
Speaker 1: when they're pissed, and you know when they need space,

1406
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:00,240
Speaker 1: so help them along with that.

1407
01:11:00,479 --> 01:11:02,240
Speaker 4: I get it you're upset. I get it.

1408
01:11:02,840 --> 01:11:06,120
Speaker 1: I'm upset too. I'm gonna try and be the voice

1409
01:11:06,160 --> 01:11:08,920
Speaker 1: of reason and talk. So let it. I want you

1410
01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:12,280
Speaker 1: to let it out, but please use your words. Don't

1411
01:11:12,479 --> 01:11:17,080
Speaker 1: be so harsh and cutting. Just try your best to

1412
01:11:17,240 --> 01:11:20,240
Speaker 1: help me listen to you so that we can work

1413
01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:20,680
Speaker 1: through this.

1414
01:11:21,320 --> 01:11:22,200
Speaker 4: It's the problem.

1415
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:25,760
Speaker 1: It's not us we're it's us against the problem, not

1416
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:26,640
Speaker 1: us against us.

1417
01:11:26,760 --> 01:11:27,200
Speaker 3: That's right.

1418
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:30,840
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I can talk this stuff all night long.

1419
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:33,960
Speaker 1: And Wes, it's already ten fifty five, it's almost to

1420
01:11:34,040 --> 01:11:35,840
Speaker 1: the top of the hour. It's don A d Doctor

1421
01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:39,559
Speaker 1: Wes Saturday night coming up. There are some really good

1422
01:11:39,720 --> 01:11:44,400
Speaker 1: green flags in a relationship. We have three really critical,

1423
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:47,760
Speaker 1: healthy green flags that if you have this going on

1424
01:11:47,880 --> 01:11:49,920
Speaker 1: in your relationship, you're doing good and we want to

1425
01:11:49,960 --> 01:11:51,760
Speaker 1: hear from you. So five one, three, seven, four, nine,

1426
01:11:52,040 --> 01:11:54,439
Speaker 1: seven thousand when we get back, what is the best

1427
01:11:54,520 --> 01:11:58,800
Speaker 1: thing about your relationship? Donna D Doctor Wes. It's seven

1428
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:05,280
Speaker 1: hundred WLW, Cincinnati, Saturday Night. We're I can't believe in

1429
01:12:05,320 --> 01:12:10,240
Speaker 1: the eleven o'clock Donna d and Doctor Wes, seven hundred WLW.

1430
01:12:10,520 --> 01:12:13,400
Speaker 4: Look up at the moon. Look up at the moon

1431
01:12:13,520 --> 01:12:15,280
Speaker 4: and know how small we are.

1432
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:17,800
Speaker 1: Look at the stars. I mean, it's a big, beautiful moon.

1433
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:21,000
Speaker 1: And it's so nice to be reminded and be humbled

1434
01:12:21,160 --> 01:12:25,600
Speaker 1: that it's not all about us, us, us, me me, me, me,

1435
01:12:25,720 --> 01:12:29,840
Speaker 1: me right. It's there's a big, beautiful universe out there

1436
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:32,880
Speaker 1: and we are just a tiny tiny bit of it.

1437
01:12:34,320 --> 01:12:36,680
Speaker 1: So we've been talking about relationships. This is kind of

1438
01:12:36,720 --> 01:12:41,080
Speaker 1: a different show and on seven hundred I'm super happy

1439
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:42,800
Speaker 1: to be talking about it and I can talk about

1440
01:12:42,840 --> 01:12:45,559
Speaker 1: this forever. I'm so happy to have my partner, doctor Wes,

1441
01:12:45,680 --> 01:12:49,280
Speaker 1: with me. We've known each other speaking of relationships. Is

1442
01:12:49,360 --> 01:12:50,400
Speaker 1: it thirty years now?

1443
01:12:50,880 --> 01:12:53,000
Speaker 3: It's yeah, yeah.

1444
01:12:53,520 --> 01:12:54,000
Speaker 7: I mean.

1445
01:12:55,400 --> 01:12:57,840
Speaker 1: Used to be a program director for Kiss FM and

1446
01:12:57,920 --> 01:12:59,760
Speaker 1: Dayton and that's how we knew each other. I was

1447
01:12:59,800 --> 01:13:02,880
Speaker 1: so program director for KISSFM here in Cincinnati. We've been

1448
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:05,760
Speaker 1: in radio for a long long time. You went a

1449
01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:08,080
Speaker 1: little bit of a different route and you went and

1450
01:13:08,280 --> 01:13:13,360
Speaker 1: got your doctorate, your licensed marriage family therapist in the

1451
01:13:13,479 --> 01:13:17,320
Speaker 1: state of Tennessee. And we have you on quite a

1452
01:13:17,360 --> 01:13:20,280
Speaker 1: bit on the show because we want to help sort

1453
01:13:20,400 --> 01:13:23,720
Speaker 1: some things that are hard. I mean, if you get

1454
01:13:23,760 --> 01:13:27,719
Speaker 1: past the age of twenty and probably earlier, you probably

1455
01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:31,400
Speaker 1: dealt with a heartbreak of some sort. But even before,

1456
01:13:31,600 --> 01:13:37,120
Speaker 1: it's mother daughter relationships, mother, father, brother, sister, friends, and

1457
01:13:37,320 --> 01:13:40,720
Speaker 1: how to communicate is one of the greatest skills. And

1458
01:13:40,840 --> 01:13:46,519
Speaker 1: even beyond that, emotional awareness, because it really doesn't matter

1459
01:13:47,240 --> 01:13:50,479
Speaker 1: what other people do, it's how you respond. It's all

1460
01:13:50,640 --> 01:13:55,920
Speaker 1: about how you respond to situations that come into your life.

1461
01:13:55,960 --> 01:13:59,160
Speaker 1: So if you can understand your emotions and how to

1462
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:02,479
Speaker 1: regulate them, then you'd be able to talk to anybody.

1463
01:14:02,600 --> 01:14:03,280
Speaker 4: That's the most part.

1464
01:14:03,400 --> 01:14:05,680
Speaker 3: Yes, Yes, emotional regulation absolutely.

1465
01:14:05,880 --> 01:14:08,120
Speaker 1: So Esther Perez, we both really like her has a

1466
01:14:08,200 --> 01:14:10,400
Speaker 1: quote the quality of your life is determined by the

1467
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:13,960
Speaker 1: quality of your relationships. So how deep are your relationships,

1468
01:14:14,080 --> 01:14:19,760
Speaker 1: how much? How much can you share and how much

1469
01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:21,960
Speaker 1: can you listen to your partner?

1470
01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:22,280
Speaker 5: Right?

1471
01:14:22,400 --> 01:14:27,439
Speaker 1: How honest? How important is honesty in a relationship with.

1472
01:14:28,160 --> 01:14:31,000
Speaker 3: Oh, it's it's the deal. It's either you have it

1473
01:14:31,120 --> 01:14:32,840
Speaker 3: or you don't. It's a deal breaker. If you don't

1474
01:14:32,880 --> 01:14:33,120
Speaker 3: have it.

1475
01:14:33,400 --> 01:14:36,280
Speaker 4: I mean, like, how honest should you be?

1476
01:14:36,439 --> 01:14:39,719
Speaker 1: All right, let's just say you've been married for fifteen

1477
01:14:39,800 --> 01:14:42,880
Speaker 1: years and you're still attracted to your husband or wife. No,

1478
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:46,000
Speaker 1: but you say, you know what, sweetheart, you really need

1479
01:14:46,120 --> 01:14:48,800
Speaker 1: to maybe get a little bit healthier. You've been eating

1480
01:14:48,840 --> 01:14:50,760
Speaker 1: a little bad. You need to get to the gym.

1481
01:14:51,439 --> 01:14:54,320
Speaker 1: And if somebody, if you can't say that to your

1482
01:14:54,840 --> 01:14:59,000
Speaker 1: person and they get offended, how likely are you going

1483
01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:02,040
Speaker 1: to be able to say you hurt my feelings when

1484
01:15:02,160 --> 01:15:04,000
Speaker 1: you were talking bad about me at dinner the other

1485
01:15:04,120 --> 01:15:05,080
Speaker 1: night in front of our friends.

1486
01:15:05,200 --> 01:15:08,519
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, you have to lead with emotions. I think

1487
01:15:08,560 --> 01:15:10,559
Speaker 3: if I was going to have that conversation, I would say,

1488
01:15:10,640 --> 01:15:13,840
Speaker 3: you know, I love you and I care deeply for you, right,

1489
01:15:14,000 --> 01:15:17,880
Speaker 3: And because I love you so deeply, i'm you know,

1490
01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:21,320
Speaker 3: I just was curious what you are thinking, or I

1491
01:15:21,840 --> 01:15:24,479
Speaker 3: wouldn't say that I'm curious what your thoughts might be

1492
01:15:24,680 --> 01:15:25,880
Speaker 3: about your health right now?

1493
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:26,519
Speaker 2: Right?

1494
01:15:27,080 --> 01:15:29,960
Speaker 1: And instead it comes out with like all you do

1495
01:15:30,360 --> 01:15:32,640
Speaker 1: is wear these baggy sweatpants all the time, and I

1496
01:15:32,680 --> 01:15:34,519
Speaker 1: wish you would dress up a little bit.

1497
01:15:34,520 --> 01:15:36,120
Speaker 4: For me so that you can be attracted.

1498
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:38,960
Speaker 1: That's a harsh startup. That's a harsh startup. Yeah, but

1499
01:15:39,120 --> 01:15:41,200
Speaker 1: sometimes we talk to each other that way.

1500
01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:44,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that is hurtful, and that is a cut

1501
01:15:45,040 --> 01:15:46,960
Speaker 3: that it will just keep adding up.

1502
01:15:47,840 --> 01:15:52,280
Speaker 1: Is it realistic when you live with somebody and you've

1503
01:15:52,320 --> 01:15:55,360
Speaker 1: got kids, and you've got dogs and cats and whatever

1504
01:15:55,840 --> 01:16:00,200
Speaker 1: to say I'm curious to see if your regards and

1505
01:16:00,240 --> 01:16:02,559
Speaker 1: your health. I mean, that is the nicest possible way

1506
01:16:02,640 --> 01:16:04,519
Speaker 1: to say it. But is it realistic to be able

1507
01:16:04,560 --> 01:16:08,280
Speaker 1: to do that? So, I mean, how do we get ourselves?

1508
01:16:09,640 --> 01:16:13,680
Speaker 1: How do we get ourselves to better communication instead of

1509
01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:18,280
Speaker 1: going from you look like a slob? Or how what

1510
01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:21,519
Speaker 1: are the steps we can take to getting to the

1511
01:16:21,600 --> 01:16:24,120
Speaker 1: way you just said it? And how you can you

1512
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:27,439
Speaker 1: can speak so eloquently to your partner?

1513
01:16:27,920 --> 01:16:30,120
Speaker 3: Well, I think you have empathy. You have to have

1514
01:16:30,280 --> 01:16:32,720
Speaker 3: empathy before you speak. You have to you have to

1515
01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:34,800
Speaker 3: put yourself in their shoes. How are they going to

1516
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:38,240
Speaker 3: feel if I say this to them? And so many

1517
01:16:38,360 --> 01:16:42,360
Speaker 3: couples because life is moving so fast, they lose empathy.

1518
01:16:42,400 --> 01:16:45,160
Speaker 3: They flip their lid. They flip their lid, and that's

1519
01:16:45,200 --> 01:16:47,479
Speaker 3: where like they're I don't want to go into too

1520
01:16:47,560 --> 01:16:49,400
Speaker 3: much of the science of it, but essentially the part

1521
01:16:49,400 --> 01:16:51,960
Speaker 3: of the brain that helps regulate their emotions goes offline.

1522
01:16:52,479 --> 01:16:54,600
Speaker 3: They go into a fight fight or freeze response, and.

1523
01:16:54,600 --> 01:16:56,240
Speaker 4: They just tint because they feel attacked.

1524
01:16:56,320 --> 01:16:59,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, because they feel attacked or they feel afraid, they

1525
01:16:59,280 --> 01:17:01,720
Speaker 3: feel like they're partner's not taking care of themselves to

1526
01:17:01,840 --> 01:17:05,519
Speaker 3: use that example, right, And and they're feeling fear, they

1527
01:17:05,640 --> 01:17:08,320
Speaker 3: get angry about it and they just they just mouth

1528
01:17:08,400 --> 01:17:08,880
Speaker 3: off about it.

1529
01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:09,160
Speaker 4: Right.

1530
01:17:09,800 --> 01:17:13,360
Speaker 1: So, and and it's funny that you said empathy because

1531
01:17:13,760 --> 01:17:18,920
Speaker 1: we were getting into the three green flags to a

1532
01:17:19,040 --> 01:17:22,519
Speaker 1: critical healthy relationship. There are three things that you can do.

1533
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,599
Speaker 1: I was listening to Mel Robbins podcast, which I think

1534
01:17:26,160 --> 01:17:29,000
Speaker 1: she's she's great and she's got a new book out

1535
01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:32,640
Speaker 1: called That Let Them, but her podcast is exceptional.

1536
01:17:32,720 --> 01:17:33,679
Speaker 4: I really do agree.

1537
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:37,600
Speaker 1: But she she has three green flags she says that

1538
01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:39,439
Speaker 1: are critical to a healthy relationship.

1539
01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:42,559
Speaker 4: The first thing is growth. You have to be willing

1540
01:17:42,680 --> 01:17:43,799
Speaker 4: to grow with your partner.

1541
01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:48,160
Speaker 1: Because if I want to get stronger, and I want

1542
01:17:48,160 --> 01:17:51,720
Speaker 1: to get more emotional awareness and more emotional regulation, and

1543
01:17:51,840 --> 01:17:54,400
Speaker 1: I want to be a better partner, if I don't

1544
01:17:54,439 --> 01:17:56,320
Speaker 1: have somebody that's going to grow with me, how is

1545
01:17:56,360 --> 01:17:59,080
Speaker 1: that going to work? Yeah, So, that's kind of a

1546
01:17:59,120 --> 01:18:01,800
Speaker 1: big deal. So that's green flag if you both are

1547
01:18:01,880 --> 01:18:06,960
Speaker 1: willing to grow together. The other green flag is kindness, Yeah,

1548
01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:12,479
Speaker 1: and gentleness, be kind right right, I mean we forget

1549
01:18:12,640 --> 01:18:15,120
Speaker 1: that that's such a big deal, and not just in

1550
01:18:15,680 --> 01:18:20,799
Speaker 1: your your partnerships and your relationships with with your sister,

1551
01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:24,040
Speaker 1: your mother, your be kind, but be kind and you

1552
01:18:24,160 --> 01:18:26,760
Speaker 1: can practice it everywhere you go. Be kind at the

1553
01:18:26,800 --> 01:18:29,400
Speaker 1: gas station, be kind at Trader Joe's, be kind that

1554
01:18:29,880 --> 01:18:33,240
Speaker 1: you know, wherever you go you can practice and people

1555
01:18:33,320 --> 01:18:38,240
Speaker 1: are open to it. They're open to being given kindness

1556
01:18:38,479 --> 01:18:42,240
Speaker 1: and they're open to giving kindness too. The kinder you are,

1557
01:18:42,880 --> 01:18:45,200
Speaker 1: that's what you're going to receive. And when you do

1558
01:18:45,360 --> 01:18:51,400
Speaker 1: that in a relationship, it's it's it seems trivial to oh,

1559
01:18:51,640 --> 01:18:53,280
Speaker 1: just be kind, that's a green flag, but it's a

1560
01:18:53,360 --> 01:18:54,120
Speaker 1: really big deal.

1561
01:18:54,360 --> 01:18:57,200
Speaker 3: That's a absolutely and it needs to be grounded in

1562
01:18:57,840 --> 01:19:00,519
Speaker 3: friendship too and admiration for each other.

1563
01:19:00,560 --> 01:19:03,400
Speaker 4: Right right. And the third thing where you said empathy

1564
01:19:03,600 --> 01:19:05,719
Speaker 4: is compassion, So it's growth.

1565
01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:07,960
Speaker 1: You got to grow together. You have to be kind

1566
01:19:08,360 --> 01:19:10,439
Speaker 1: to one another instead of angry and mean. I mean

1567
01:19:10,520 --> 01:19:13,719
Speaker 1: you're like we both can understand, like the difference between

1568
01:19:14,200 --> 01:19:17,479
Speaker 1: somebody that is angry all the time or that is

1569
01:19:17,560 --> 01:19:20,560
Speaker 1: somebody kind. That is an enormous difference. There's like a

1570
01:19:20,760 --> 01:19:25,160
Speaker 1: mountain of difference between those. And if somebody's angry all

1571
01:19:25,240 --> 01:19:28,599
Speaker 1: the time, then it's really really hard to get along

1572
01:19:28,680 --> 01:19:29,560
Speaker 1: with somebody like that.

1573
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:33,320
Speaker 3: If they're angry, they're emotionally constipated. It's what I say, Okay,

1574
01:19:33,560 --> 01:19:35,120
Speaker 3: what does what does that mean?

1575
01:19:35,200 --> 01:19:36,280
Speaker 4: They stuff everything?

1576
01:19:36,479 --> 01:19:39,720
Speaker 3: They stuff everything underneath. Anger is a secondary emotion. It's

1577
01:19:39,760 --> 01:19:45,880
Speaker 3: not the first thing that you feel. You feel fear, hurt, sadness, guilt, shame.

1578
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:50,120
Speaker 3: There's a primary emotion that you are feeling underneath the anger,

1579
01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:53,080
Speaker 3: but you don't show it. You show the anger.

1580
01:19:53,920 --> 01:19:58,320
Speaker 1: So behind deep anger right, first of all, five one, three, seven, four,

1581
01:19:58,400 --> 01:20:01,519
Speaker 1: nine hundred the big and we want you to call us.

1582
01:20:01,640 --> 01:20:03,760
Speaker 4: We want this to be a very interactive show.

1583
01:20:04,640 --> 01:20:06,800
Speaker 1: We are going to be doing this on most Saturdays,

1584
01:20:07,120 --> 01:20:09,200
Speaker 1: so please feel free to call in. We want to

1585
01:20:09,280 --> 01:20:12,040
Speaker 1: know what is working for you. What are the green

1586
01:20:12,160 --> 01:20:15,680
Speaker 1: flags in your relationship? What I mean, tell us what

1587
01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:19,439
Speaker 1: at least one thing that you have going on in

1588
01:20:19,520 --> 01:20:22,120
Speaker 1: your life and in your relationship that you're doing right.

1589
01:20:22,200 --> 01:20:24,960
Speaker 1: We've talked a lot about you know how people can

1590
01:20:25,040 --> 01:20:27,280
Speaker 1: mess it up. We really want to end on a

1591
01:20:27,400 --> 01:20:31,880
Speaker 1: positive note on how people are doing doing well in

1592
01:20:31,960 --> 01:20:34,439
Speaker 1: their relationship. Is it the kindness? Do you make an

1593
01:20:34,479 --> 01:20:37,479
Speaker 1: effort to be kind? Do you make an effort to

1594
01:20:38,320 --> 01:20:40,320
Speaker 1: grow with your partner? Do you evolve?

1595
01:20:40,439 --> 01:20:41,679
Speaker 4: What was John said?

1596
01:20:42,080 --> 01:20:45,320
Speaker 1: He competes he the way that he competes with his

1597
01:20:45,520 --> 01:20:48,840
Speaker 1: wife is that they compete on how much they serve

1598
01:20:49,040 --> 01:20:50,559
Speaker 1: each other, which I loved.

1599
01:20:51,600 --> 01:20:53,480
Speaker 4: So the third thing is compassion.

1600
01:20:53,680 --> 01:20:58,360
Speaker 1: So it's growth, kindness and compassion, stepping out of your

1601
01:20:58,439 --> 01:21:01,280
Speaker 1: own perspective. What you've been saying all night, West, you

1602
01:21:01,479 --> 01:21:04,200
Speaker 1: got to give You got to be able to get

1603
01:21:04,240 --> 01:21:07,320
Speaker 1: out of your head and look at your partners and

1604
01:21:07,439 --> 01:21:11,759
Speaker 1: where they coming from in this situation, especially in an argument.

1605
01:21:11,960 --> 01:21:14,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, especially especially in an argument.

1606
01:21:14,400 --> 01:21:17,040
Speaker 1: And if you don't have compassion, what is the opposite

1607
01:21:17,080 --> 01:21:17,760
Speaker 1: of compassion?

1608
01:21:18,360 --> 01:21:19,000
Speaker 7: What do I think?

1609
01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:20,559
Speaker 3: That's fear? In my opinion?

1610
01:21:20,840 --> 01:21:25,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, so, so fear and compassion would be resentment. Wouldn't

1611
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:29,680
Speaker 1: resentment be uh uh the opposite of that? Let's go

1612
01:21:29,760 --> 01:21:33,280
Speaker 1: to Zach and Hamilton. Hey, Zach, you're on with Donna,

1613
01:21:33,360 --> 01:21:35,400
Speaker 1: Dee and doctor West. Thanks for Colin. Are you having

1614
01:21:35,400 --> 01:21:36,400
Speaker 1: a good Saturday night.

1615
01:21:37,560 --> 01:21:42,120
Speaker 2: Oh absolutely, Uh, just got done fishing, got done cleaning

1616
01:21:42,200 --> 01:21:43,559
Speaker 2: the fish, and I'm heading home.

1617
01:21:43,680 --> 01:21:43,840
Speaker 7: Now.

1618
01:21:44,439 --> 01:21:45,720
Speaker 2: How is your guys night going.

1619
01:21:46,000 --> 01:21:46,760
Speaker 4: It's beautiful.

1620
01:21:46,800 --> 01:21:49,800
Speaker 1: It's our first night together on air, and we're talking

1621
01:21:49,840 --> 01:21:52,439
Speaker 1: about relationships because we feel like it's a really, really

1622
01:21:52,520 --> 01:21:56,280
Speaker 1: important subject and we're talking about you know, what are

1623
01:21:56,400 --> 01:21:58,360
Speaker 1: you doing that's working.

1624
01:21:58,479 --> 01:21:59,920
Speaker 4: Are you in a relationship right now?

1625
01:22:00,120 --> 01:22:03,240
Speaker 2: Zach? Yeah, And that's why I wanted to call in

1626
01:22:03,400 --> 01:22:09,080
Speaker 2: because I found it it's an interesting subject and I

1627
01:22:09,200 --> 01:22:11,479
Speaker 2: think my side would be a little.

1628
01:22:11,280 --> 01:22:14,400
Speaker 7: Bit different than others. But I just turned twenty.

1629
01:22:14,200 --> 01:22:19,800
Speaker 2: Eight and my soon to be Beyonce is twenty six.

1630
01:22:19,960 --> 01:22:24,760
Speaker 2: By the turn twenty seven. We had our first baby

1631
01:22:24,840 --> 01:22:31,680
Speaker 2: on December thirty, first baby girl, and so with that

1632
01:22:31,960 --> 01:22:35,840
Speaker 2: we're obviously younger, and it wasn't as planned as it

1633
01:22:36,760 --> 01:22:41,840
Speaker 2: could have been. So with work and everything. I'm sorry,

1634
01:22:41,840 --> 01:22:43,559
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to drag this one, but with work

1635
01:22:43,600 --> 01:22:46,479
Speaker 2: and everything with both of us and taking care of

1636
01:22:46,560 --> 01:22:49,240
Speaker 2: the baby. We just bought a new house and everything.

1637
01:22:49,800 --> 01:22:52,720
Speaker 2: I think one of the main things is is being

1638
01:22:52,880 --> 01:22:54,200
Speaker 2: truthful with each other and.

1639
01:22:55,960 --> 01:22:57,759
Speaker 7: Being if there's.

1640
01:22:57,600 --> 01:23:02,800
Speaker 2: Something wrong, talk about it, you know. That's that's one

1641
01:23:02,800 --> 01:23:05,920
Speaker 2: of the main things is I have bad anxiety and

1642
01:23:06,160 --> 01:23:09,559
Speaker 2: she's always tried to pull things out of me. Us

1643
01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:12,560
Speaker 2: men don't like talking about things, but she's tried to

1644
01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:14,560
Speaker 2: pull it out of me. The main thing in a

1645
01:23:14,680 --> 01:23:18,640
Speaker 2: relationship is is what I want to say is have communication.

1646
01:23:18,800 --> 01:23:21,320
Speaker 2: Don't be scared to talk to your spouse about anything,

1647
01:23:21,439 --> 01:23:25,439
Speaker 2: because if you can't talk to him or her about

1648
01:23:25,520 --> 01:23:29,720
Speaker 2: anything that's going on in life, then you guys will

1649
01:23:29,760 --> 01:23:31,040
Speaker 2: never be one hundred percent of team.

1650
01:23:32,000 --> 01:23:36,000
Speaker 1: So Zach, I appreciate this because you are young. Twenty

1651
01:23:36,080 --> 01:23:38,599
Speaker 1: seven is young, and congratulations having a baby.

1652
01:23:38,680 --> 01:23:42,599
Speaker 4: There there their life.

1653
01:23:42,479 --> 01:23:46,720
Speaker 1: Changing, life changing little little creatures that come into our

1654
01:23:46,840 --> 01:23:51,679
Speaker 1: lives and it makes a relationship more beautiful and more strong,

1655
01:23:51,760 --> 01:23:55,880
Speaker 1: but also more difficult. And the more that you communicate

1656
01:23:57,000 --> 01:23:59,599
Speaker 1: with your with your fiance and soon to be wife,

1657
01:24:00,320 --> 01:24:01,400
Speaker 1: the better that's going to be.

1658
01:24:01,720 --> 01:24:02,280
Speaker 4: And that's better.

1659
01:24:02,360 --> 01:24:05,240
Speaker 1: The better it's going to be too for the for

1660
01:24:05,360 --> 01:24:07,760
Speaker 1: the baby as well, because they're gonna you're gonna be.

1661
01:24:07,960 --> 01:24:10,640
Speaker 4: A good role model. But do you feel like.

1662
01:24:12,240 --> 01:24:14,200
Speaker 1: Do you feel like as you're because you got a

1663
01:24:14,240 --> 01:24:16,920
Speaker 1: lot going on, You have a new baby, you have

1664
01:24:17,000 --> 01:24:19,320
Speaker 1: a fiance, so you're gonna get married, You've got a

1665
01:24:19,400 --> 01:24:23,000
Speaker 1: new wife. Is there pressure is Do you feel like

1666
01:24:23,080 --> 01:24:25,639
Speaker 1: there's a lot of pressure on your young little life

1667
01:24:25,720 --> 01:24:26,040
Speaker 1: right now?

1668
01:24:28,240 --> 01:24:32,760
Speaker 2: Well, that's a good question. If I were to talk

1669
01:24:32,840 --> 01:24:37,800
Speaker 2: to anyone else really older than me, I'd to say,

1670
01:24:38,400 --> 01:24:39,479
Speaker 2: let's let's just say.

1671
01:24:39,320 --> 01:24:41,160
Speaker 7: A range fifty sixties.

1672
01:24:41,200 --> 01:24:43,280
Speaker 2: If I were to talk to someone to say I

1673
01:24:43,439 --> 01:24:46,160
Speaker 2: was stressed out, I think that would understand in a way.

1674
01:24:46,360 --> 01:24:50,120
Speaker 7: But those are the people those age I.

1675
01:24:50,240 --> 01:24:52,599
Speaker 2: Think that you know, they handed a horder or whatever.

1676
01:24:52,680 --> 01:24:54,639
Speaker 12: But yeah, I mean it's it's hard.

1677
01:24:54,760 --> 01:24:57,599
Speaker 2: I'm in the iron workers Union. We stayed pretty busy

1678
01:24:57,680 --> 01:25:04,080
Speaker 2: around here in the Try State area. But the most

1679
01:25:04,120 --> 01:25:08,679
Speaker 2: stressful thing is is being this young and not really

1680
01:25:08,760 --> 01:25:10,040
Speaker 2: playing on having a baby.

1681
01:25:11,080 --> 01:25:13,240
Speaker 7: Like I said, m h.

1682
01:25:14,320 --> 01:25:17,360
Speaker 2: The only thing that's got us through everything is communication.

1683
01:25:19,600 --> 01:25:22,360
Speaker 2: And I'll come home from work, i might have a

1684
01:25:22,439 --> 01:25:25,680
Speaker 2: bad day and I'll try to not hide it, but

1685
01:25:26,000 --> 01:25:28,080
Speaker 2: I'm not going to talk about it just because I

1686
01:25:28,160 --> 01:25:30,800
Speaker 2: don't want to bring work home with me. But she'll

1687
01:25:30,880 --> 01:25:34,400
Speaker 2: catch me sometimes and to be like, I know something's wrong,

1688
01:25:36,600 --> 01:25:38,639
Speaker 2: because that's gonna better.

1689
01:25:38,640 --> 01:25:41,080
Speaker 12: Us, like we we gotta do something about this.

1690
01:25:41,320 --> 01:25:47,600
Speaker 1: That's definitely He pulled me out of that.

1691
01:25:47,760 --> 01:25:48,840
Speaker 7: Little hole I was in.

1692
01:25:49,080 --> 01:25:50,720
Speaker 2: And once we had that.

1693
01:25:50,840 --> 01:25:53,759
Speaker 7: Baby, baby girl, god lover. I mean, it's.

1694
01:25:55,520 --> 01:26:00,920
Speaker 2: It brought me and m Kennie. I just want to

1695
01:26:00,920 --> 01:26:04,559
Speaker 2: say some of that new parents out there, don't don't

1696
01:26:04,600 --> 01:26:05,120
Speaker 2: be scared.

1697
01:26:05,320 --> 01:26:07,320
Speaker 7: There's not a there's not a rule. Look for it

1698
01:26:07,400 --> 01:26:07,800
Speaker 7: out there.

1699
01:26:07,920 --> 01:26:09,080
Speaker 6: No no one can teach you.

1700
01:26:09,080 --> 01:26:09,840
Speaker 7: How to be a parent.

1701
01:26:10,000 --> 01:26:14,560
Speaker 2: Just love, love your partner, spouse, whatever it may be.

1702
01:26:14,920 --> 01:26:20,599
Speaker 2: Just from my perspective, communicate, communication, main thing.

1703
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:23,800
Speaker 1: That's exactly right, Zach. Thanks so much for the call,

1704
01:26:23,880 --> 01:26:25,840
Speaker 1: and good luck with everything. You got a lot going on,

1705
01:26:26,000 --> 01:26:28,080
Speaker 1: but it sounds like you have a really good head

1706
01:26:28,120 --> 01:26:31,439
Speaker 1: on your shoulder. And I love that your fiance pulled

1707
01:26:31,479 --> 01:26:33,760
Speaker 1: you out of that hole. That's what partners do.

1708
01:26:34,080 --> 01:26:34,960
Speaker 3: That's exactly right.

1709
01:26:35,160 --> 01:26:36,400
Speaker 4: Thank you, Zach, Thanks so.

1710
01:26:36,520 --> 01:26:38,360
Speaker 2: Much, Thank you guys, have a good night.

1711
01:26:38,520 --> 01:26:39,280
Speaker 6: Thanks for having me.

1712
01:26:39,439 --> 01:26:44,040
Speaker 1: Appreciate you so so. Doctor West. Everything was right about that.

1713
01:26:44,320 --> 01:26:47,360
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter what's going on externally, if you've got

1714
01:26:47,479 --> 01:26:51,439
Speaker 1: somebody that's got your back, especially when you're going when

1715
01:26:51,479 --> 01:26:55,760
Speaker 1: you're down, that's right. When you're down, that's when you

1716
01:26:55,920 --> 01:26:59,280
Speaker 1: need somebody to help more than anything. There you're gonna

1717
01:26:59,320 --> 01:27:02,720
Speaker 1: there's nobody that doesn't have down moments, but to have

1718
01:27:03,040 --> 01:27:06,040
Speaker 1: somebody say, let's talk about it. I'm gonna sit here.

1719
01:27:06,680 --> 01:27:08,360
Speaker 1: I don't care how busy it is, I don't care

1720
01:27:08,400 --> 01:27:11,040
Speaker 1: what the baby's doing. Let's sit here and figure out.

1721
01:27:11,320 --> 01:27:12,840
Speaker 1: Just tell me, just let it out.

1722
01:27:13,360 --> 01:27:16,479
Speaker 3: They prioritized each other, is what they did. And I

1723
01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:20,920
Speaker 3: see in my practice problems come up when people lose

1724
01:27:21,760 --> 01:27:28,280
Speaker 3: the husband and wife, the relationship. They lose that, they

1725
01:27:28,439 --> 01:27:31,360
Speaker 3: go towards being parents and they focus one hundred percent

1726
01:27:31,439 --> 01:27:34,320
Speaker 3: on the parent parental role, or they'll focus one hundred

1727
01:27:34,320 --> 01:27:38,200
Speaker 3: percent on their work role and they'll lose that relationship

1728
01:27:38,400 --> 01:27:42,080
Speaker 3: as partners. So I love the fact they prioritize that.

1729
01:27:42,720 --> 01:27:48,320
Speaker 3: And it sounds like his fiance was intentional about that conversation.

1730
01:27:48,520 --> 01:27:51,680
Speaker 1: Well, I think that what I heard him say too,

1731
01:27:51,840 --> 01:27:57,320
Speaker 1: is she knew, she knows, she recognized, she recognized that

1732
01:27:57,520 --> 01:28:00,760
Speaker 1: he was down, yep, and she cared and yep to

1733
01:28:00,880 --> 01:28:02,000
Speaker 1: say let's talk about it.

1734
01:28:02,520 --> 01:28:03,280
Speaker 3: And that's empathy.

1735
01:28:03,640 --> 01:28:07,479
Speaker 1: She used empathy, compassion, She wanted him to let it

1736
01:28:07,560 --> 01:28:08,240
Speaker 1: out and grow.

1737
01:28:08,720 --> 01:28:10,080
Speaker 4: She was working with him.

1738
01:28:10,520 --> 01:28:15,640
Speaker 1: And I do feel like couples ebb and flow a

1739
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:20,160
Speaker 1: lot of times you can get back to that. Bring kindness,

1740
01:28:20,520 --> 01:28:26,040
Speaker 1: bring empathy, bring compassion, and couples can revive their relationship.

1741
01:28:26,240 --> 01:28:29,400
Speaker 1: There are times where everyone goes through tough times, whether

1742
01:28:29,520 --> 01:28:33,200
Speaker 1: your mother, daughter, brother, sister, sister and sister, and any

1743
01:28:33,360 --> 01:28:36,800
Speaker 1: good relationship, you're going to go through some downs and

1744
01:28:36,920 --> 01:28:40,519
Speaker 1: then that's when you really show up. That's right, yep,

1745
01:28:41,000 --> 01:28:43,680
Speaker 1: and I just I love that call so much. All Right,

1746
01:28:43,720 --> 01:28:45,200
Speaker 1: we're going to go back. I think we have one

1747
01:28:45,280 --> 01:28:48,000
Speaker 1: more segment. When we come back, we're going to talk

1748
01:28:48,040 --> 01:28:51,320
Speaker 1: to doctor West. He's got the top three tips that

1749
01:28:51,520 --> 01:28:55,519
Speaker 1: help his couples in therapy to build a strong, solid

1750
01:28:55,640 --> 01:28:59,599
Speaker 1: foundation a really good relationship. We've talked a lot about

1751
01:29:00,080 --> 01:29:02,559
Speaker 1: how when it's time to leave a relationship, now it's

1752
01:29:02,640 --> 01:29:04,960
Speaker 1: time when you can build on it, and we've got

1753
01:29:05,000 --> 01:29:07,720
Speaker 1: the top three tips. So that's coming up. We do

1754
01:29:07,840 --> 01:29:09,760
Speaker 1: want you to call five one, three, seven, four ninety

1755
01:29:09,800 --> 01:29:13,559
Speaker 1: seven thousand. Thank you so much for all the callers tonight.

1756
01:29:13,600 --> 01:29:15,920
Speaker 1: We're going to be back with one more segment before

1757
01:29:16,000 --> 01:29:16,360
Speaker 1: we leave.

1758
01:29:16,760 --> 01:29:20,560
Speaker 4: It's don A. D and Doctor West on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati.

1759
01:29:21,160 --> 01:29:26,800
Speaker 1: Ooh, it has been a fun night, Saturday night. It's

1760
01:29:26,840 --> 01:29:31,200
Speaker 1: all about relationships. It's gonna be a nice night though.

1761
01:29:31,240 --> 01:29:35,280
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you, it's a cool night fifty seven

1762
01:29:36,200 --> 01:29:38,000
Speaker 1: and then it's going to warm up for the game

1763
01:29:38,080 --> 01:29:41,560
Speaker 1: day tomorrow eighty four degrees. So we were talking about relationships.

1764
01:29:41,800 --> 01:29:44,960
Speaker 1: Let's get to Pat because he's been on hold for

1765
01:29:45,000 --> 01:29:48,280
Speaker 1: a while. Pat, thanks for holding for so long. It's

1766
01:29:48,360 --> 01:29:50,120
Speaker 1: done a d with doctor wes Uh.

1767
01:29:50,360 --> 01:29:53,320
Speaker 4: We've been talking about relationships, the good, the good, the bad,

1768
01:29:53,400 --> 01:29:55,800
Speaker 4: and the ugly. What what do you have to contribute?

1769
01:29:56,720 --> 01:29:58,760
Speaker 5: Well, I've been seated in the ugly.

1770
01:29:59,520 --> 01:30:03,960
Speaker 1: We all, anybody, anybody over twenty one has really had

1771
01:30:04,000 --> 01:30:04,760
Speaker 1: their fair share.

1772
01:30:05,800 --> 01:30:08,240
Speaker 5: Yeah, I just wanted to contribute. Maybe next week you

1773
01:30:08,280 --> 01:30:11,160
Speaker 5: could talk about because it's a big technical subject. But

1774
01:30:11,720 --> 01:30:14,800
Speaker 5: what happens if you find out that your mate is bipolar?

1775
01:30:15,680 --> 01:30:19,880
Speaker 5: And then when that happens, you know, you encourage her

1776
01:30:19,960 --> 01:30:22,760
Speaker 5: to it was a you know lady I was with,

1777
01:30:22,920 --> 01:30:26,720
Speaker 5: and encourage her to get help and everything, and then

1778
01:30:27,840 --> 01:30:31,280
Speaker 5: I don't know, the prescription drugs and a little bit

1779
01:30:31,320 --> 01:30:34,080
Speaker 5: of alcohol and then she just goes on her own

1780
01:30:34,439 --> 01:30:37,280
Speaker 5: her own way, you know. So I've been divorced twenty

1781
01:30:37,320 --> 01:30:40,320
Speaker 5: one years now and raised a couple of kids and everything,

1782
01:30:40,400 --> 01:30:42,880
Speaker 5: so I know how it goes. Yeah, next week, maybe

1783
01:30:42,920 --> 01:30:45,240
Speaker 5: you can talk about that, because bipolar you know, you

1784
01:30:45,320 --> 01:30:47,000
Speaker 5: never know what you get into with somebody. You have

1785
01:30:47,080 --> 01:30:49,200
Speaker 5: to kind of get to know them before you really

1786
01:30:50,000 --> 01:30:51,160
Speaker 5: get involved with them.

1787
01:30:51,200 --> 01:30:53,519
Speaker 1: I guess you know what I mean that that is

1788
01:30:53,840 --> 01:30:58,360
Speaker 1: a tough I've never I've never experienced someone with bipolar.

1789
01:30:58,520 --> 01:31:02,640
Speaker 1: I mean I've experienced people with very very heavy emotions.

1790
01:31:02,760 --> 01:31:03,000
Speaker 4: Wes.

1791
01:31:03,120 --> 01:31:07,040
Speaker 1: What would you say to Pat who is dealing with

1792
01:31:07,160 --> 01:31:10,840
Speaker 1: somebody that has bipolar and prescription meds and then a

1793
01:31:10,880 --> 01:31:11,839
Speaker 1: little bit of alcohol.

1794
01:31:12,000 --> 01:31:15,920
Speaker 3: That's a tough mix. Yeah, especially the alcohol. The So

1795
01:31:16,200 --> 01:31:20,320
Speaker 3: I would if that were my clients, I would want

1796
01:31:20,560 --> 01:31:24,439
Speaker 3: both both Pat and the and the partner to come

1797
01:31:24,479 --> 01:31:27,360
Speaker 3: in for therapy together so that we can learn how

1798
01:31:27,920 --> 01:31:30,840
Speaker 3: to work through that because the moods, the mood and state,

1799
01:31:31,000 --> 01:31:34,960
Speaker 3: the mood swings, the ups and the downs can create

1800
01:31:35,120 --> 01:31:38,120
Speaker 3: a lot of emotional instability in the partner too, in

1801
01:31:38,280 --> 01:31:38,920
Speaker 3: Pat as well.

1802
01:31:39,479 --> 01:31:42,000
Speaker 4: So, Pat, have you ever gone to counseling?

1803
01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:42,920
Speaker 9: Oh?

1804
01:31:43,080 --> 01:31:45,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean it's down over with now, But I

1805
01:31:45,360 --> 01:31:48,000
Speaker 5: mean I tried. I went, you know, the court, you

1806
01:31:48,080 --> 01:31:51,320
Speaker 5: know they want to head and assigned people when matistreet

1807
01:31:51,439 --> 01:31:52,519
Speaker 5: or whatever they had down there.

1808
01:31:52,640 --> 01:31:54,120
Speaker 2: So I went all through it.

1809
01:31:54,160 --> 01:31:56,680
Speaker 5: But I mean, you know, I'm just pointing out for

1810
01:31:56,760 --> 01:31:59,880
Speaker 5: other people because you never know, if you know, take

1811
01:32:00,160 --> 01:32:02,120
Speaker 5: time to get to know somebody. You don't want to

1812
01:32:02,160 --> 01:32:03,000
Speaker 5: rest in anything.

1813
01:32:03,320 --> 01:32:07,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good advice because even even if you're thinking

1814
01:32:07,000 --> 01:32:09,560
Speaker 1: about maybe the one of the most public figures that

1815
01:32:09,760 --> 01:32:14,080
Speaker 1: was bipolar and and in a public relationship would be

1816
01:32:14,240 --> 01:32:18,360
Speaker 1: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and he would fly off

1817
01:32:18,439 --> 01:32:22,000
Speaker 1: the handle and they had four kids, ended up, you know, divorced,

1818
01:32:22,479 --> 01:32:25,479
Speaker 1: and he freely admits that he has bipolar and has

1819
01:32:25,600 --> 01:32:28,040
Speaker 1: issues with that, and when he doesn't take his meds,

1820
01:32:28,640 --> 01:32:33,840
Speaker 1: he gets uh, it goes deeper. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,

1821
01:32:33,920 --> 01:32:36,120
Speaker 1: that that is a good subject to touch on.

1822
01:32:36,240 --> 01:32:39,439
Speaker 3: And doctor Wes you you're familiar with this, sure, and

1823
01:32:39,520 --> 01:32:41,439
Speaker 3: that's why it has to be a family intervention. But

1824
01:32:41,920 --> 01:32:45,880
Speaker 3: the person who the person with the bipolar disorder has

1825
01:32:45,960 --> 01:32:48,439
Speaker 3: to be willing to take their medicine to be consistent

1826
01:32:48,920 --> 01:32:50,800
Speaker 3: and and to really you know, work through it.

1827
01:32:51,520 --> 01:32:55,800
Speaker 5: So that also in my situation, there was no communications.

1828
01:32:55,840 --> 01:32:57,960
Speaker 5: He didn't want to talk so right, right, and I

1829
01:32:58,040 --> 01:33:00,080
Speaker 5: try to I try to write her and then to

1830
01:33:00,160 --> 01:33:03,360
Speaker 5: get more frustrated with that. Yeah, and so it was

1831
01:33:03,439 --> 01:33:03,960
Speaker 5: just a mess.

1832
01:33:04,240 --> 01:33:04,439
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1833
01:33:04,439 --> 01:33:05,960
Speaker 5: Well, I mean I just I've been through it. I

1834
01:33:06,040 --> 01:33:08,560
Speaker 5: just don't want to see anybody anybody else can in

1835
01:33:08,640 --> 01:33:09,760
Speaker 5: the situation like that.

1836
01:33:10,120 --> 01:33:12,719
Speaker 1: That's exactly what we're talking about. That's why we're doing

1837
01:33:12,800 --> 01:33:15,000
Speaker 1: this show. Pat, thank you so much for calling in.

1838
01:33:15,160 --> 01:33:17,080
Speaker 1: Really appreciate it, and thanks for holding.

1839
01:33:16,840 --> 01:33:18,719
Speaker 2: For so long, you know, Okay, you're welcome.

1840
01:33:18,800 --> 01:33:22,160
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. So there's so many different aspects

1841
01:33:22,240 --> 01:33:25,840
Speaker 1: to relationships. And I have been you know, I've never

1842
01:33:26,040 --> 01:33:29,479
Speaker 1: I've never had to deal with the mental issues, you know,

1843
01:33:30,439 --> 01:33:32,479
Speaker 1: for very long, and I don't I don't know how

1844
01:33:33,680 --> 01:33:37,000
Speaker 1: I would imagine, as Pat was saying, it's almost impossible

1845
01:33:37,080 --> 01:33:39,120
Speaker 1: to deal with it, especially if you don't communicate, and

1846
01:33:39,160 --> 01:33:42,120
Speaker 1: then there's alcohol and pills and stuff and right too, Now,

1847
01:33:42,160 --> 01:33:43,000
Speaker 1: how do you get through that?

1848
01:33:43,240 --> 01:33:46,080
Speaker 3: I mean, yeah, well it's going to have to How

1849
01:33:46,160 --> 01:33:49,000
Speaker 3: you get through it is is the person again with

1850
01:33:49,080 --> 01:33:52,280
Speaker 3: the bipolar disorder, has to take ownership, and they have

1851
01:33:52,479 --> 01:33:55,559
Speaker 3: to be responsible, and they have to work the plan.

1852
01:33:55,760 --> 01:33:59,720
Speaker 3: They need to have individual therapy and and be on

1853
01:33:59,760 --> 01:34:02,479
Speaker 3: their medication. But the problem is is that a lot

1854
01:34:02,520 --> 01:34:05,400
Speaker 3: of people with bipolar disorder, they start feeling better and

1855
01:34:05,560 --> 01:34:08,960
Speaker 3: so they stop taking their medication, right, and then it's

1856
01:34:09,000 --> 01:34:10,240
Speaker 3: just a vicious cycle.

1857
01:34:10,040 --> 01:34:11,960
Speaker 1: And then they comes out of the blue, right and

1858
01:34:12,200 --> 01:34:15,200
Speaker 1: like all of a sudden, this person ATTACKSI, their partner, right,

1859
01:34:15,240 --> 01:34:15,680
Speaker 1: stuff like that.

1860
01:34:16,000 --> 01:34:19,280
Speaker 3: Family therapy so hard couples and family therapy is a

1861
01:34:19,520 --> 01:34:23,080
Speaker 3: very important intervention when you're dealing with bipolar disorder and

1862
01:34:23,920 --> 01:34:25,080
Speaker 3: serious mental illness.

1863
01:34:25,000 --> 01:34:27,160
Speaker 1: And then you have kids, and then the kids are

1864
01:34:27,520 --> 01:34:29,519
Speaker 1: you know, involved in that as well. It's it's a

1865
01:34:29,640 --> 01:34:32,639
Speaker 1: tough situation. We will touch on that a little bit more.

1866
01:34:33,160 --> 01:34:35,599
Speaker 1: So we're ending the show because we've had some real

1867
01:34:35,920 --> 01:34:39,439
Speaker 1: positive calls today and we've talked about, like, you know,

1868
01:34:39,600 --> 01:34:43,120
Speaker 1: what are the what are the three green flags that

1869
01:34:43,240 --> 01:34:46,959
Speaker 1: are critical to a relationship. We went over that growth, kindness,

1870
01:34:47,080 --> 01:34:50,360
Speaker 1: and compassion, and those are those are pretty you can

1871
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:55,400
Speaker 1: see how those would would produce a good, happy, successful couple.

1872
01:34:55,680 --> 01:34:58,599
Speaker 1: But if you're not there yet, right, So you see

1873
01:34:58,720 --> 01:35:01,880
Speaker 1: couples that come into for therapy all the time that

1874
01:35:01,960 --> 01:35:04,400
Speaker 1: are on the verge of breaking up, sure, right, so

1875
01:35:04,560 --> 01:35:09,280
Speaker 1: they don't have the growth, the kindness, the compassion that

1876
01:35:09,640 --> 01:35:12,800
Speaker 1: healthy couples do. So we talked about this and I

1877
01:35:12,880 --> 01:35:16,280
Speaker 1: want to leave today on a really positive note on

1878
01:35:16,680 --> 01:35:20,519
Speaker 1: what works to get people back on track, to get

1879
01:35:20,600 --> 01:35:23,639
Speaker 1: them to those three green flags when they're going through

1880
01:35:23,720 --> 01:35:24,200
Speaker 1: tough times.

1881
01:35:24,360 --> 01:35:27,120
Speaker 3: So I asked them that suppose that they went to

1882
01:35:27,280 --> 01:35:32,360
Speaker 3: sleep tonight and a miracle happens, and there they're asleep.

1883
01:35:32,400 --> 01:35:35,160
Speaker 3: They don't know that the miracles happened. But a miracle happens,

1884
01:35:35,520 --> 01:35:39,440
Speaker 3: and the relationship problems that brought them in just dissipate.

1885
01:35:40,400 --> 01:35:44,920
Speaker 3: And so they wake up tomorrow morning, and what is

1886
01:35:45,000 --> 01:35:47,400
Speaker 3: the very first thing they noticed that will let them

1887
01:35:47,479 --> 01:35:50,519
Speaker 3: know something's different in their relationship, is what I asked them.

1888
01:35:50,840 --> 01:35:53,639
Speaker 1: So they go to bed and they suggest that, hey,

1889
01:35:53,760 --> 01:35:55,799
Speaker 1: a miracle, a miracles is happening.

1890
01:35:55,960 --> 01:35:56,439
Speaker 4: Is happening.

1891
01:35:56,680 --> 01:35:59,120
Speaker 3: It's happened, but they are asleep, so they don't know it.

1892
01:35:59,479 --> 01:36:02,320
Speaker 3: So the morning they wake up and they sell and

1893
01:36:02,880 --> 01:36:06,000
Speaker 3: I want them to be very specific about what is

1894
01:36:06,080 --> 01:36:08,360
Speaker 3: it that's different. I've had couples say things like, my

1895
01:36:08,479 --> 01:36:10,439
Speaker 3: partner will look at me and give me a kiss

1896
01:36:10,439 --> 01:36:12,479
Speaker 3: and say good morning instead of getting on their phone.

1897
01:36:12,560 --> 01:36:14,519
Speaker 4: Oh that's a good one, right.

1898
01:36:14,640 --> 01:36:16,880
Speaker 3: I've had a couple say that my partner would go

1899
01:36:16,960 --> 01:36:18,600
Speaker 3: down and start and you know, and make me a

1900
01:36:18,640 --> 01:36:20,519
Speaker 3: cup of coffee and bring it up to me in bed.

1901
01:36:21,120 --> 01:36:21,280
Speaker 2: Right.

1902
01:36:21,439 --> 01:36:24,720
Speaker 3: So, So what it does is I ask each of

1903
01:36:24,840 --> 01:36:28,320
Speaker 3: them that and it creates a miracle day, and then

1904
01:36:28,439 --> 01:36:32,439
Speaker 3: I will have them the assignment is, Okay, over the

1905
01:36:32,520 --> 01:36:37,320
Speaker 3: next week, one of you, both of you, at certain points,

1906
01:36:37,800 --> 01:36:40,280
Speaker 3: do something out of that miracle day for your partner.

1907
01:36:40,840 --> 01:36:43,200
Speaker 4: Okay. So it could be.

1908
01:36:44,720 --> 01:36:48,280
Speaker 1: Making dinner and having it ready and like a romantic

1909
01:36:48,520 --> 01:36:52,120
Speaker 1: table setup and and that would be a miracle if

1910
01:36:52,200 --> 01:36:54,360
Speaker 1: you haven't had that in a while. That's right, right,

1911
01:36:54,400 --> 01:36:59,200
Speaker 1: I love it. So you're focusing on something that, Wow,

1912
01:36:59,840 --> 01:37:01,000
Speaker 1: I can't believe.

1913
01:37:00,720 --> 01:37:01,680
Speaker 4: You did this for me.

1914
01:37:01,880 --> 01:37:05,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, kind of a moment. Yeah, okay, And so all right,

1915
01:37:06,120 --> 01:37:09,840
Speaker 1: so that's one. So miracle day day one. What's another one?

1916
01:37:09,960 --> 01:37:13,360
Speaker 3: I have them keep a record for me of of

1917
01:37:13,760 --> 01:37:18,280
Speaker 3: times that they have have caught their partner doing something right. Ooh,

1918
01:37:19,240 --> 01:37:23,320
Speaker 3: I love that, and then bring that record back into

1919
01:37:23,360 --> 01:37:25,320
Speaker 3: the session the next week so that we can talk

1920
01:37:25,360 --> 01:37:25,680
Speaker 3: about it.

1921
01:37:26,120 --> 01:37:26,439
Speaker 4: Okay.

1922
01:37:26,560 --> 01:37:32,479
Speaker 1: So, so catch your partner doing something right, definitely flipping

1923
01:37:32,600 --> 01:37:35,479
Speaker 1: the It's almost like a gratitude journal. Instead, it's like,

1924
01:37:35,920 --> 01:37:38,799
Speaker 1: instead of looking at what's negative, you train your brain

1925
01:37:39,120 --> 01:37:41,760
Speaker 1: that's right to look at something that they did right.

1926
01:37:41,960 --> 01:37:43,080
Speaker 4: Wow, what a gift?

1927
01:37:43,520 --> 01:37:43,720
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1928
01:37:43,880 --> 01:37:44,559
Speaker 4: Does that work?

1929
01:37:44,640 --> 01:37:45,360
Speaker 3: It does work.

1930
01:37:45,479 --> 01:37:48,519
Speaker 1: So you have them report back to you on catching

1931
01:37:48,560 --> 01:37:50,880
Speaker 1: your partner doing doing something right. What are some of

1932
01:37:50,920 --> 01:37:51,840
Speaker 1: the things that they say.

1933
01:37:52,280 --> 01:37:55,519
Speaker 3: They'll tell me that that they caught their partner giving

1934
01:37:55,600 --> 01:37:58,920
Speaker 3: them a hug, they caught their partner, you know, saying

1935
01:37:58,960 --> 01:38:01,720
Speaker 3: I love you. They call their partner just little thing things,

1936
01:38:01,920 --> 01:38:03,120
Speaker 3: not little things, big things.

1937
01:38:03,240 --> 01:38:08,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, small things add up to big things, right. I

1938
01:38:08,320 --> 01:38:12,360
Speaker 1: always say that, you know, foreplate lasts all day long.

1939
01:38:12,600 --> 01:38:16,000
Speaker 1: It's how you treat somebody throughout the day. So you

1940
01:38:16,120 --> 01:38:18,720
Speaker 1: can't be mean to somebody and then expect magic in

1941
01:38:18,800 --> 01:38:21,680
Speaker 1: the bedroom or a miracle in the bedroom. Right, You

1942
01:38:21,880 --> 01:38:27,280
Speaker 1: really have to be consistent with you know, even just

1943
01:38:27,479 --> 01:38:29,240
Speaker 1: walking by and putting your hand.

1944
01:38:29,640 --> 01:38:31,920
Speaker 3: On her back, that's right, That would be catching your

1945
01:38:31,960 --> 01:38:39,200
Speaker 3: partner doing something right, because that communicates fond, fondness, right, admiration, love,

1946
01:38:39,800 --> 01:38:40,639
Speaker 3: all of the positive?

1947
01:38:41,040 --> 01:38:44,240
Speaker 1: Is it mostly when in the beginning, when when couples

1948
01:38:44,320 --> 01:38:46,800
Speaker 1: do this, is it well, he took out the trash

1949
01:38:46,960 --> 01:38:48,120
Speaker 1: and I didn't have to tell him.

1950
01:38:48,280 --> 01:38:49,280
Speaker 4: Is it kind of like that?

1951
01:38:49,680 --> 01:38:51,720
Speaker 3: Or is that can be? That can be sure? That

1952
01:38:51,800 --> 01:38:53,519
Speaker 3: can be a miracle, right for some people.

1953
01:38:54,000 --> 01:38:57,360
Speaker 1: I would hope that that if somebody looked and caught

1954
01:38:57,520 --> 01:38:59,560
Speaker 1: caught me doing something, it would be nicer than that.

1955
01:38:59,760 --> 01:39:03,599
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I expectations, right right.

1956
01:39:04,040 --> 01:39:05,400
Speaker 4: Okay, so miracle day.

1957
01:39:06,000 --> 01:39:09,160
Speaker 1: And then catch your partner doing something right, write it

1958
01:39:09,240 --> 01:39:10,360
Speaker 1: down and report back to.

1959
01:39:10,400 --> 01:39:12,880
Speaker 4: You, right, And then what's the third thing?

1960
01:39:12,960 --> 01:39:15,639
Speaker 3: And then I assigned them to do the high low

1961
01:39:15,840 --> 01:39:18,479
Speaker 3: check in. So this is the highlight of their day.

1962
01:39:18,800 --> 01:39:21,080
Speaker 3: This is at the end of the day after and

1963
01:39:21,200 --> 01:39:23,400
Speaker 3: it needs to be you know, all the distractions, all

1964
01:39:23,400 --> 01:39:26,800
Speaker 3: the phones, all the devices are set aside, it's just there.

1965
01:39:26,880 --> 01:39:28,920
Speaker 3: So they meet up, they meet up, they talk face

1966
01:39:29,000 --> 01:39:31,240
Speaker 3: to face and they say, this was the highlight of

1967
01:39:31,320 --> 01:39:33,920
Speaker 3: my day, and this was the low point of my day.

1968
01:39:34,400 --> 01:39:36,880
Speaker 1: And does it have anything to do with them or

1969
01:39:37,120 --> 01:39:39,320
Speaker 1: is it specifically what happened in their day?

1970
01:39:39,479 --> 01:39:41,000
Speaker 3: Just what happened in their day.

1971
01:39:41,280 --> 01:39:41,559
Speaker 4: Okay.

1972
01:39:41,640 --> 01:39:45,559
Speaker 1: So the highlight of my day was I did really

1973
01:39:45,640 --> 01:39:50,680
Speaker 1: great presentation at work and I felt good about myself, yes, right, yes.

1974
01:39:50,920 --> 01:39:53,200
Speaker 4: And and the low part of the day was I.

1975
01:39:53,240 --> 01:39:56,080
Speaker 1: Didn't work out. Yeah, I didn't have time to work out,

1976
01:39:56,200 --> 01:40:01,000
Speaker 1: and I feel like I missed that right, something like that,

1977
01:40:01,160 --> 01:40:01,839
Speaker 1: right exactly.

1978
01:40:01,960 --> 01:40:04,320
Speaker 3: And what it's doing is it's it's putting you in

1979
01:40:04,439 --> 01:40:07,519
Speaker 3: touch with it's it's it's vulnerability, it's forcing you to

1980
01:40:07,560 --> 01:40:08,720
Speaker 3: be vulnerable with each other.

1981
01:40:08,880 --> 01:40:11,320
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you and look at it that way.

1982
01:40:11,600 --> 01:40:14,440
Speaker 3: And then it's also giving you a chance to empathize

1983
01:40:14,479 --> 01:40:16,960
Speaker 3: with each other, okay, right, And it's given you a

1984
01:40:17,040 --> 01:40:19,360
Speaker 3: chance to ask, how can I help make your day?

1985
01:40:19,400 --> 01:40:20,519
Speaker 3: How can I help support you?

1986
01:40:20,760 --> 01:40:21,000
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1987
01:40:21,320 --> 01:40:23,720
Speaker 3: Right, especially during the low point? What is it that

1988
01:40:23,800 --> 01:40:26,120
Speaker 3: you need? What can I do right now to help support.

1989
01:40:25,840 --> 01:40:26,320
Speaker 7: I love that.

1990
01:40:26,640 --> 01:40:29,720
Speaker 1: I love that because you know, even when I say,

1991
01:40:31,479 --> 01:40:33,880
Speaker 1: even when I was saying the low part of my

1992
01:40:33,960 --> 01:40:37,240
Speaker 1: day kind of felt like, oh man, that I really

1993
01:40:37,400 --> 01:40:40,519
Speaker 1: have to address that. And it does make me feel like,

1994
01:40:40,760 --> 01:40:43,760
Speaker 1: oh I had a low part of my day. And

1995
01:40:43,960 --> 01:40:46,400
Speaker 1: then if you say it out loud, maybe your partner cares.

1996
01:40:46,680 --> 01:40:47,439
Speaker 3: Yeah right.

1997
01:40:48,200 --> 01:40:52,800
Speaker 4: I love that. Okay. So how effective is this for

1998
01:40:52,920 --> 01:40:54,519
Speaker 4: the couples that do do it well?

1999
01:40:54,600 --> 01:40:57,639
Speaker 3: It's very effective because if they do it consistently, then

2000
01:40:57,680 --> 01:41:00,960
Speaker 3: it gets them in a pattern of checking in with

2001
01:41:01,080 --> 01:41:04,919
Speaker 3: each other emotionally. That's really the key. It's an emotional intervention.

2002
01:41:05,600 --> 01:41:08,040
Speaker 3: It's really getting them to talk and to be vulnerable

2003
01:41:08,120 --> 01:41:10,360
Speaker 3: and to share and to get out of the day

2004
01:41:10,400 --> 01:41:12,600
Speaker 3: to day hustle and bustle to.

2005
01:41:12,680 --> 01:41:15,599
Speaker 1: Bring it back to their relationship, to bring it back

2006
01:41:15,640 --> 01:41:16,320
Speaker 1: to focus on.

2007
01:41:16,760 --> 01:41:17,320
Speaker 4: Okay, we have.

2008
01:41:17,400 --> 01:41:19,439
Speaker 1: Kids, we have work, we have dogs with the house,

2009
01:41:19,520 --> 01:41:21,200
Speaker 1: we have some lah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

2010
01:41:21,280 --> 01:41:22,599
Speaker 4: Everybody has all that, right.

2011
01:41:22,720 --> 01:41:25,000
Speaker 3: They're looking at each other too, They're not. I can't

2012
01:41:25,000 --> 01:41:27,720
Speaker 3: tell you how many people report to me that I say,

2013
01:41:27,760 --> 01:41:29,040
Speaker 3: what does the evening look like for you?

2014
01:41:29,200 --> 01:41:29,320
Speaker 7: All?

2015
01:41:29,720 --> 01:41:34,240
Speaker 3: It's people on the couch on their phones. Couples, couples

2016
01:41:34,280 --> 01:41:36,639
Speaker 3: are They'll say, yeah, we're sitting next to each other,

2017
01:41:37,040 --> 01:41:39,920
Speaker 3: but we're not looking at each other. We're facing forward

2018
01:41:40,080 --> 01:41:42,080
Speaker 3: and we're facing down looking at our phones.

2019
01:41:42,800 --> 01:41:45,960
Speaker 1: See listen, I'm one of these people that you know

2020
01:41:46,080 --> 01:41:47,200
Speaker 1: have an addiction to my friend.

2021
01:41:47,200 --> 01:41:49,040
Speaker 4: I don't know. I'm not addicted to a lot of things.

2022
01:41:49,120 --> 01:41:50,040
Speaker 4: My phone is one of them.

2023
01:41:50,080 --> 01:41:53,920
Speaker 1: It's terrible, it is absolutely terrible. But when I am

2024
01:41:54,080 --> 01:41:57,200
Speaker 1: with somebody, I put my phone down, right. I mean,

2025
01:41:57,280 --> 01:41:59,200
Speaker 1: even you and I have been face to face talking

2026
01:41:59,280 --> 01:42:03,800
Speaker 1: for the last three hours. It is it's it's we're

2027
01:42:03,920 --> 01:42:06,479
Speaker 1: blessed by these phones, but it's also a curse, and

2028
01:42:06,600 --> 01:42:08,960
Speaker 1: it is a curse for our relationships too. There are

2029
01:42:09,080 --> 01:42:14,160
Speaker 1: people that I know that that their their sons and Mason,

2030
01:42:14,439 --> 01:42:17,200
Speaker 1: mainly the sons don't know how to talk to women.

2031
01:42:17,360 --> 01:42:18,720
Speaker 4: They don't know how to ask for a date.

2032
01:42:18,720 --> 01:42:21,240
Speaker 1: They don't know how to go out because it's it's

2033
01:42:21,360 --> 01:42:24,679
Speaker 1: it's it's phone, it's cell phones, it's it's social media,

2034
01:42:24,960 --> 01:42:28,880
Speaker 1: is gaming, and it's all computerized, and they don't go

2035
01:42:29,000 --> 01:42:31,639
Speaker 1: out and they don't know how to communicate with real

2036
01:42:31,720 --> 01:42:35,000
Speaker 1: people in the real world. That's right, and even couples,

2037
01:42:35,200 --> 01:42:37,559
Speaker 1: even our age. You know, I'm a little bit older

2038
01:42:37,640 --> 01:42:41,479
Speaker 1: than you, but have have grown up without phones and

2039
01:42:41,760 --> 01:42:45,479
Speaker 1: been outside and learned how to communicate with people way back,

2040
01:42:45,800 --> 01:42:48,000
Speaker 1: because I didn't even get a phone until I was, like,

2041
01:42:48,120 --> 01:42:51,320
Speaker 1: I don't know, twenty two or twenty three years old,

2042
01:42:51,400 --> 01:42:52,600
Speaker 1: twenty four or something like that.

2043
01:42:53,280 --> 01:42:56,160
Speaker 4: So in those days were so nice.

2044
01:42:56,720 --> 01:42:59,120
Speaker 1: I mean they were, and I love my phone, but

2045
01:42:59,800 --> 01:43:02,680
Speaker 1: it's it's nice to not have this electric box in

2046
01:43:02,800 --> 01:43:05,519
Speaker 1: my you know, in my hand all the time and

2047
01:43:05,680 --> 01:43:06,280
Speaker 1: looking at it.

2048
01:43:06,439 --> 01:43:10,080
Speaker 4: It does it is can be a relationship killer.

2049
01:43:10,080 --> 01:43:14,120
Speaker 3: And texting. Texting is also I think can be a

2050
01:43:14,160 --> 01:43:18,920
Speaker 3: relationship killer when you're texting your friends, you're texting people,

2051
01:43:19,360 --> 01:43:22,120
Speaker 3: and you're not talking to your partner right.

2052
01:43:22,200 --> 01:43:28,840
Speaker 1: Yes, your fantasy football league right scores or you know,

2053
01:43:29,040 --> 01:43:32,559
Speaker 1: I have I have several group texts with my sisters,

2054
01:43:32,640 --> 01:43:37,000
Speaker 1: with my friends, and sometimes I'm like, holy smokes, yeah,

2055
01:43:37,080 --> 01:43:41,040
Speaker 1: pictures of all my nieces, nephews and their grandkids, the grandkids.

2056
01:43:41,200 --> 01:43:44,920
Speaker 4: You know, it's non stop and yeah, that can. That

2057
01:43:45,040 --> 01:43:46,320
Speaker 4: can get to be a lot.

2058
01:43:46,520 --> 01:43:50,080
Speaker 3: And you can lose the emotional content through texting because

2059
01:43:50,120 --> 01:43:53,479
Speaker 3: you can't you don't have the the you know, the cues,

2060
01:43:54,200 --> 01:43:57,080
Speaker 3: the vote, the verbal cues, the in person right.

2061
01:43:57,640 --> 01:44:01,000
Speaker 1: The nonverbals, yeah, the non verbal Yeah, I can. That's

2062
01:44:01,040 --> 01:44:03,920
Speaker 1: a very good point. So I have one more questions.

2063
01:44:04,080 --> 01:44:05,840
Speaker 1: We're almost out of time. We just have a couple

2064
01:44:05,920 --> 01:44:08,680
Speaker 1: more minutes. And this has been so great, Wes, thank

2065
01:44:08,760 --> 01:44:11,640
Speaker 1: you so much for coming. And you know, our next one,

2066
01:44:11,880 --> 01:44:14,280
Speaker 1: our next Saturday is going to be October twenty fifth,

2067
01:44:14,360 --> 01:44:16,120
Speaker 1: or whatever the time is.

2068
01:44:16,200 --> 01:44:16,439
Speaker 6: On that.

2069
01:44:18,200 --> 01:44:20,840
Speaker 4: There was a question that I thought was so great.

2070
01:44:20,960 --> 01:44:24,000
Speaker 1: Somebody said, if you asked this one question to your partner,

2071
01:44:24,760 --> 01:44:27,240
Speaker 1: and I think it can be asked to your best

2072
01:44:27,320 --> 01:44:33,040
Speaker 1: friend or your sister, or certainly your spouse or your

2073
01:44:33,120 --> 01:44:35,639
Speaker 1: mom or anything like that. If you ask this one

2074
01:44:35,800 --> 01:44:39,240
Speaker 1: question to have a really good relationship, but you'd have

2075
01:44:39,360 --> 01:44:42,720
Speaker 1: to listen to the answer. What's it like having me

2076
01:44:43,120 --> 01:44:50,720
Speaker 1: as a partner, right, and somebody just be so vulnerable

2077
01:44:50,840 --> 01:44:54,000
Speaker 1: to ask that question and sit back and listen.

2078
01:44:54,400 --> 01:44:57,400
Speaker 4: Wow, just hit me with it, Hit me with it?

2079
01:44:57,560 --> 01:44:58,840
Speaker 4: What what's it like?

2080
01:44:59,120 --> 01:45:04,240
Speaker 1: And then you know, I would imagine the conversation could

2081
01:45:04,280 --> 01:45:10,719
Speaker 1: go like this. Sometimes you're amazing, sometimes you listen, sometimes

2082
01:45:10,760 --> 01:45:17,040
Speaker 1: you don't. Sometimes you're emotional, and sometimes you're rock steady

2083
01:45:17,200 --> 01:45:22,599
Speaker 1: and you're like the biggest, best, beautiful tree that can

2084
01:45:22,720 --> 01:45:32,320
Speaker 1: be rooted and support our family. Sometimes it's you're judgmental

2085
01:45:32,479 --> 01:45:38,720
Speaker 1: and it's hard to talk to you, and sometimes you

2086
01:45:38,880 --> 01:45:44,040
Speaker 1: project so much of your fear onto me that it's

2087
01:45:44,120 --> 01:45:44,759
Speaker 1: hard to breathe.

2088
01:45:45,640 --> 01:45:45,840
Speaker 7: Yeah.

2089
01:45:47,040 --> 01:45:50,080
Speaker 1: I mean, it just depends on how deep you want

2090
01:45:50,160 --> 01:45:56,000
Speaker 1: to go. And is it okay to say, can we

2091
01:45:56,080 --> 01:45:58,960
Speaker 1: take a break? I know I asked the question. I

2092
01:45:59,640 --> 01:46:02,639
Speaker 1: want answer, I want to hear it. I'm feeling all

2093
01:46:02,760 --> 01:46:05,240
Speaker 1: kinds of energy. Can we take a break and come

2094
01:46:05,320 --> 01:46:07,000
Speaker 1: back and meet you in five minutes so I can

2095
01:46:07,120 --> 01:46:09,240
Speaker 1: just breathe through this so I can listen more.

2096
01:46:09,479 --> 01:46:09,679
Speaker 6: Yeah?

2097
01:46:09,840 --> 01:46:10,759
Speaker 4: Would that be accepted?

2098
01:46:10,880 --> 01:46:14,160
Speaker 3: Absolutely? I tell couples to take a fifteen minute break

2099
01:46:15,040 --> 01:46:20,599
Speaker 3: because it helps their brain, because the brain basically goes

2100
01:46:20,640 --> 01:46:23,760
Speaker 3: into that fight flight or freeze response, And you can't

2101
01:46:23,800 --> 01:46:26,800
Speaker 3: regulate your emotions when you're flooded, when you're flooded with

2102
01:46:26,920 --> 01:46:27,840
Speaker 3: so much why did you.

2103
01:46:28,040 --> 01:46:29,000
Speaker 4: Ask the question?

2104
01:46:29,160 --> 01:46:32,920
Speaker 1: And you really want to know Sometimes if somebody is very,

2105
01:46:33,080 --> 01:46:35,040
Speaker 1: very honest, and even if they're saying it in the

2106
01:46:35,200 --> 01:46:37,639
Speaker 1: nicest possible way, yep, it's still hard to hear.

2107
01:46:37,760 --> 01:46:41,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, what is that? What a great question though, that

2108
01:46:41,400 --> 01:46:44,360
Speaker 3: is such a great question. Yeah, I would love to

2109
01:46:44,439 --> 01:46:47,240
Speaker 3: ask that question for someone. Maybe I'll ask you that, Donna,

2110
01:46:47,600 --> 01:46:49,519
Speaker 3: after the show tonight, I'll ask you, what were you

2111
01:46:49,880 --> 01:46:52,280
Speaker 3: what was it like to be what was it like

2112
01:46:52,360 --> 01:46:52,519
Speaker 3: to be?

2113
01:46:52,720 --> 01:46:52,840
Speaker 5: Uh?

2114
01:46:53,160 --> 01:46:56,479
Speaker 3: For having on the show tonight, Well.

2115
01:46:56,479 --> 01:47:00,439
Speaker 1: I just can't tell you how much, uh, how much

2116
01:47:00,479 --> 01:47:03,200
Speaker 1: I appreciated this show. We talk a lot about you know,

2117
01:47:03,360 --> 01:47:05,639
Speaker 1: politics on the station, and we talk a lot about

2118
01:47:05,800 --> 01:47:09,880
Speaker 1: you know sports, clearly this is a big sports station,

2119
01:47:10,000 --> 01:47:12,720
Speaker 1: and we talk about you know, topical stuff and and

2120
01:47:12,840 --> 01:47:15,680
Speaker 1: all kinds of everything. It ranges and and to have

2121
01:47:15,840 --> 01:47:19,080
Speaker 1: a show just about relationships and how we can build

2122
01:47:19,120 --> 01:47:21,320
Speaker 1: into each other and how we can focus on how

2123
01:47:22,040 --> 01:47:25,320
Speaker 1: the relationship with ourself, which is really the most important one,

2124
01:47:26,160 --> 01:47:30,360
Speaker 1: how we can get stronger and less offensive and be

2125
01:47:30,560 --> 01:47:35,240
Speaker 1: more connected within ourselves. So that so that we can

2126
01:47:35,320 --> 01:47:40,240
Speaker 1: be better, better partners for you know, the loved ones

2127
01:47:40,320 --> 01:47:42,360
Speaker 1: in our lives and let them know how much we

2128
01:47:42,520 --> 01:47:45,280
Speaker 1: care about them. Because I'm telling you right now, there's

2129
01:47:45,600 --> 01:47:49,160
Speaker 1: nothing better than making sure that the people that you

2130
01:47:49,400 --> 01:47:56,599
Speaker 1: love know that you love them. That's nothing better than that. Yeah, Wes,

2131
01:47:56,800 --> 01:47:59,880
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming. Thank you for all

2132
01:48:00,120 --> 01:48:02,840
Speaker 1: of our callers. It has been a joy and a pleasure.

2133
01:48:02,840 --> 01:48:04,960
Speaker 1: And we're going to be back on the twenty fifth.

2134
01:48:05,160 --> 01:48:08,479
Speaker 1: I'm out of town, but uh so I'll be I'll

2135
01:48:08,520 --> 01:48:12,680
Speaker 1: be on with Sterling the following weekend and you know,

2136
01:48:12,880 --> 01:48:16,040
Speaker 1: go go Bangles. We got the game day tomorrow, so

2137
01:48:16,160 --> 01:48:19,719
Speaker 1: we still have sports here. Thanks so much, Thanks Joe

2138
01:48:19,960 --> 01:48:22,679
Speaker 1: for walking us through this. You have been awesome as well.

2139
01:48:23,200 --> 01:48:26,760
Speaker 1: It's Donna Dan, doctor West on a awesome Saturday Night,

2140
01:48:26,840 --> 01:48:28,760
Speaker 1: seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,