WEBVTT - Group Therapy: Am I Being Love Bombed?

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<v Speaker 1>The Dam Ryan Show. Okay, so we have Nikki on

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<v Speaker 1>the phone. He sent us an email about something that

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<v Speaker 1>kind of happened, a confrontation with her sister over Thanksgiving. So, Nikki,

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<v Speaker 1>what is going on with you for group therapy today? I?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I've been single for about nine years, I would say,

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<v Speaker 2>and I've I've dated a bit here and there, but

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<v Speaker 2>I really haven't had a boyfriend for a while. And

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<v Speaker 2>then I met this guy and there was just this

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<v Speaker 2>really strong connection right off the bat, and I I

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<v Speaker 2>really think that he might be the one that I'm

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<v Speaker 2>going to marry. Okay, And it was It's kind of

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<v Speaker 2>like a whirlwind, you know. And he does like so

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<v Speaker 2>many really wonderful and kind things for me that I

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<v Speaker 2>really love.

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<v Speaker 1>Like what.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, like pretty much every time I see him, he

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<v Speaker 2>has some kind of like little gift for me, so

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<v Speaker 2>maybe like a candle or a Starbucks gift card. He

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<v Speaker 2>just really thoughtful. And he'll text me in the morning

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<v Speaker 2>a good morning, and every night he texted me good night,

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<v Speaker 2>and he'll say a lot of the time that we're

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<v Speaker 2>meant to be together. And we have a song he

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<v Speaker 2>sent me a buff Do you know that Savage Garden song?

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<v Speaker 2>I knew I loved you.

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<v Speaker 3>I think.

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<v Speaker 4>This it's like I'm the nineties fall.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah that's the way, and back.

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<v Speaker 1>And forth like okay, yeah, I love that song.

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<v Speaker 2>I love that song too, so he said, that's our song.

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<v Speaker 2>So so it's been going really, really great. But this

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<v Speaker 2>past week I went to my grandma's for Thanksgiving and

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<v Speaker 2>he was texting me a ton and I didn't really

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<v Speaker 2>think anything of it because that's how we normally communicate.

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<v Speaker 2>And he was texting me like, how are you what

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<v Speaker 2>are you eating? What's the best dessert? Are you watching

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<v Speaker 2>the football game? You know, stuff like that. And I

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<v Speaker 2>showed my sister because I thought it was really sweet.

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<v Speaker 2>And then my sister was like, this is love bombing.

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<v Speaker 2>It's not okay, you shouldn't see him anymore. And I

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<v Speaker 2>don't know. I was just kind of taken aback by that.

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<v Speaker 2>And I don't know if I'm naive, but this is

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<v Speaker 2>this dangerous?

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<v Speaker 1>Is it bad?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I just thought he was being sweet.

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<v Speaker 5>So you so you've been single for nine years now,

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<v Speaker 5>you think you found the one because he's doing all

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<v Speaker 5>these romantic things.

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<v Speaker 4>But your sister thinks it's love bombing.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, She like, really she just made me feel really

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<v Speaker 2>bad about it, to be honest, and I thought it

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<v Speaker 2>was really so much interested in my day, in what

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<v Speaker 2>was going on. But she thinks it's love bombing.

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<v Speaker 1>So my question is, you guys have been dating for

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<v Speaker 1>how long? This is new? Right?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we've it's been almost two months.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, So I mean it sounds like right off the bat, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>you like had pretty strong feelings for him, but then

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<v Speaker 1>he jumped right into like what sounds like getting you

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<v Speaker 1>gifts and like kind of surprising you with sweet things.

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<v Speaker 4>He sent her a song.

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<v Speaker 5>But there are people already texting saying love bomb, love bomb.

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<v Speaker 5>Somebody said, I'm such a paranoid free but I'm hearing

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<v Speaker 5>love bombing.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, So if you don't know what love bombing is,

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<v Speaker 1>it's basically when you start in a relationship and someone

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<v Speaker 1>goes like crazy with the affection, attention, gives gifts, stuff

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<v Speaker 1>like that. But it's more of like try and create

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<v Speaker 1>this emotional bond independence on the other person so that

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<v Speaker 1>the person doesn't leave.

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<v Speaker 5>Almost what's wrong with I hear what you're saying, But

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<v Speaker 5>what's wrong with me showing you affection?

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<v Speaker 4>Especially so early?

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<v Speaker 5>That's when they call it the honeymoon phase, the cupcake phase,

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<v Speaker 5>when everything's like, Oh, I love you, I love you too.

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<v Speaker 1>I think there's a line that can be drawn with

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<v Speaker 1>it where it's like, if you're getting a gift every

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<v Speaker 1>single time you see each other, and you guys are

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<v Speaker 1>seeing each other like four days out of the seven

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<v Speaker 1>of the week, then that's probably a little bit too

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<v Speaker 1>much because then you're just like going to get so

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<v Speaker 1>used to that. But we're we're curious to hear what

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<v Speaker 1>you have to say, if you want to give us

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<v Speaker 1>a call. Six five one nine eight nine, Katie w B. Basically,

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<v Speaker 1>what's going on is NICKI met this guy that she's

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<v Speaker 1>been dating for a couple of months, and right off

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<v Speaker 1>the bat she feels like they hit it off, and

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<v Speaker 1>then you know, he started doing a lot of sweet things,

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<v Speaker 1>giving her gifts pretty consistently. He texts her a lot.

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<v Speaker 1>He apparently says that the Savage Garden song is their song.

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<v Speaker 1>And then over Thanksgiving and her sister was like, Ah,

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<v Speaker 1>this dude is love bombing you. You need to like run,

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<v Speaker 1>So do you feel the same. You can give us

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<v Speaker 1>a call six y one nine y nine, katiew B.

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<v Speaker 1>We'd love to hear what you have to say and

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<v Speaker 1>if Nicky should run? First off is Alex on the phone? Hi, Hi,

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<v Speaker 1>Alex Hi.

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<v Speaker 3>First of all, love you guys so much, love your

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<v Speaker 3>morning show, Love you back. And I think that this

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<v Speaker 3>is love bombing for sure. If it feels too good

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<v Speaker 3>to be true, then it is too good to be true.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like one thing to want to be together and

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<v Speaker 3>know how your day is going, but to be checking

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<v Speaker 3>in that frequently.

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<v Speaker 2>Its red flag?

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<v Speaker 4>How is a red flag?

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<v Speaker 1>So, Alex, have you been in this position before?

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<v Speaker 5>I have?

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, toxic and think about like longevity of this. You

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<v Speaker 3>cannot be checking in with each other this much twenty

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<v Speaker 3>four to seven?

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<v Speaker 5>Why not?

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<v Speaker 1>So? What what do you feel like was toxic with yours?

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<v Speaker 2>Like?

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<v Speaker 1>How did yours end? Was it a matter of like

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<v Speaker 1>you did start to become like dependent on him or her?

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<v Speaker 3>No, not dependent at all. I felt like there was

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<v Speaker 3>more space that needed to be had and I wasn't

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<v Speaker 3>getting it. And I feel like you've got to be

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<v Speaker 3>able to be your own person and have your person.

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<v Speaker 3>You can't rely on the other person to the extent

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<v Speaker 3>that he's relying on her for happiness.

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<v Speaker 2>It seems so.

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<v Speaker 1>Then I'm assuming you ended the relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh yeah, many years ago, married, now two kids, okay,

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<v Speaker 3>drop off, yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Got it, got it? Okay. So Alex, you're saying it's

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<v Speaker 1>love bombing and you think Nikki should stay get out

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<v Speaker 1>of it. What do you think?

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<v Speaker 3>I think she seek it out of it. She's happy,

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<v Speaker 3>she's happy, but if she has to be able to

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<v Speaker 3>return that energy for the.

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<v Speaker 2>Rest of her life.

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<v Speaker 1>And yeah, I don't underto it.

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<v Speaker 4>I don't get how.

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<v Speaker 5>There's so many I'm not even gonna just say women.

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<v Speaker 5>There are so many people that crave for a man

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<v Speaker 5>or a woman or anybody to give them everything on

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<v Speaker 5>the planet. I am one of those people that I

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<v Speaker 5>love to give my girlfriend a list of the world.

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<v Speaker 5>We've been together going on four years, but me going

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<v Speaker 5>above and beyond, and you guys have had to talk

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<v Speaker 5>me down about buying fifteen things just because she had

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<v Speaker 5>a bad day.

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<v Speaker 1>That when you started dating her, were you constantly showing

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<v Speaker 1>up and giving her a gift every single time you

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<v Speaker 1>saw her?

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<v Speaker 5>Not a gift, but I was definitely on my p's

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<v Speaker 5>and q's because I had to show her that that's

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<v Speaker 5>what I wanted in life.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I wanted her.

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<v Speaker 1>I just think that there is a clear difference between

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<v Speaker 1>me interested in showing interest and love bombing. There is

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<v Speaker 1>a difference. There is manipulation when it comes to love bombing,

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<v Speaker 1>where you are literally getting that person so hooked on

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<v Speaker 1>you that you can then potentially manipulate them later in

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<v Speaker 1>the relationship. You were not doing that. You were being sweet,

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<v Speaker 1>you were doing kind things for Alyssa. And now you're

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<v Speaker 1>at a different phase in your life where maybe you

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<v Speaker 1>do all of these things that Nikki is saying, but

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<v Speaker 1>you guys are in a serious relationship and you've gotten

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<v Speaker 1>to that point.

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<v Speaker 5>I guess the only difference is, yeah, Nikki's case that

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<v Speaker 5>this is very, very fresh. I don't know how much

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<v Speaker 5>I was doing compared to this guy because it was

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<v Speaker 5>four years ago.

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<v Speaker 4>But he texting us that sounds called dependent. No, I'm

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<v Speaker 4>just a lover.

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<v Speaker 1>Vond is a lover. Here. We got some more people

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<v Speaker 1>on the phone. LeRoy's on the phone, Lera, What do

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<v Speaker 1>you want to say about this group therapy?

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<v Speaker 6>I think that if it is love bombing is just

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<v Speaker 6>a definition that people want to put on it.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't.

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<v Speaker 6>You're not a doctor about it. So if she likes it,

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<v Speaker 6>she likes it. Maybe her sister needs to relax and

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<v Speaker 6>stay out her business because we're all grown ups. And

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<v Speaker 6>that's the problem in as well. We're in each other's

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<v Speaker 6>business too much and we're doing things.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, Is it fair, though, to be in your sister's business,

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<v Speaker 1>because I think I would probably be in my sister's

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<v Speaker 1>business if I was concerned.

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<v Speaker 6>No, I really don't think it is fair to be

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<v Speaker 6>in people's business because you don't have a clue what's

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<v Speaker 6>going on in that man's mind, and you might not

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<v Speaker 6>have a clue what's going on in your sisters.

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<v Speaker 2>Just because he's.

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<v Speaker 6>Buying things, don't mean he's trying to love bombers.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I mean, I just.

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<v Speaker 6>Think people stay in everybody's business way too much. It's

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<v Speaker 6>become a norm.

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<v Speaker 1>Clearra. You don't think that it was a little bit

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<v Speaker 1>too much for him to say that this is their song?

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<v Speaker 6>Oh no, maybe he actually felt like that. And that's

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<v Speaker 6>what I'm saying. You don't really have a clue on

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<v Speaker 6>what people are feeling, so you can't put him in

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<v Speaker 6>a box. Yeah what's going on? You got to let

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<v Speaker 6>him live their life.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, I mean that's a different take on it. I

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<v Speaker 1>appreciate you, Lee, right, Thanks so much for calling in.

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<v Speaker 1>We also have Francisco on the phone. Francisco, Nikki got

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<v Speaker 1>into a new relationship. She's been seeing this guy. He

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<v Speaker 1>gives her a lot of guests, he texts her pretty often,

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<v Speaker 1>and now he already says that they have the song

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<v Speaker 1>by Savage Garden. What do you think Francisco has this

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<v Speaker 1>love bombing? Should she run like her sister says or

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<v Speaker 1>stick it out? Yes?

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<v Speaker 7>Hi, Good morning Jenny, Good morning bond. What First off,

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<v Speaker 7>I want to tell Nikki if she is listening, I'm

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<v Speaker 7>just speaking from my experience.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes, I think that's important.

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<v Speaker 7>He wants you to know that from my experience. When

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<v Speaker 7>I first met my wife, we first started talking, I

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<v Speaker 7>knew what I wanted in life, and she fits a

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<v Speaker 7>lot of those things. Well think work. It's more, I

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<v Speaker 7>saw a lot of these characteristics in her, and from

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<v Speaker 7>the beginning I knew I loved that about her and

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<v Speaker 7>I appreciated that. So I made sure in the beginning

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<v Speaker 7>right away to inform her and let her know that

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<v Speaker 7>this is how I'm feeling, this is what I wanted.

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<v Speaker 7>And at the end of the day, it worked out

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<v Speaker 7>because she felt the same way and she reciprocated the

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<v Speaker 7>feet at the end of the day. You know, it's

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<v Speaker 7>really up to you the way you're feeling, Nikki, and

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<v Speaker 7>it's really it's your life at the end of the day.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, it's your love language, and I think the relationship

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<v Speaker 5>that you develop with your partner. There's so many text

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<v Speaker 5>messages coming in. A lot of people agree with that

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<v Speaker 5>last call of Leeroy. Some other people are saying this

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<v Speaker 5>love bombing stuff is crazy. You can text five three,

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<v Speaker 5>nine to one. By the way, love bombing stuff is crazy.

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<v Speaker 5>Let people be kind and loving and have communication. I've

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<v Speaker 5>been in a relationship for four years and I expect

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<v Speaker 5>this type of communication and being spoiled for my boyfriend,

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<v Speaker 5>and he loves doing that. Let be happy, and that's

0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:04.800
<v Speaker 5>all I'm saying. I don't know what Nikki and this

0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:07.360
<v Speaker 5>guy have agreed on. I just don't see the problem

0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:09.960
<v Speaker 5>with continuing to show your partner affection. And it's only

0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:12.040
<v Speaker 5>been two months, so we have to see how much

0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:13.280
<v Speaker 5>longer this develops.

0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.760
<v Speaker 1>I agree. I think though, on the flip side of things,

0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:18.720
<v Speaker 1>is like, you've never been in a position before to

0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:21.880
<v Speaker 1>have been love bombed where someone has completely like turned

0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:24.000
<v Speaker 1>the table on you out of nowhere after they just

0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:26.760
<v Speaker 1>showed you all of this like emotional connection, and then

0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:30.400
<v Speaker 1>out of nowhere, they're like just kidding. So like, there

0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.600
<v Speaker 1>is people who have experienced actual love bombing, and so

0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:36.080
<v Speaker 1>they are scarred from that, and they don't want this

0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:38.240
<v Speaker 1>girl to get hurt the way that they did. I

0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:40.720
<v Speaker 1>know someone I'm very close with who got love bombed

0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:45.560
<v Speaker 1>reala recently and it broke her. And I literally like

0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:48.920
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to just shake that person, because how dare

0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:52.719
<v Speaker 1>you pretend like you like someone so much and do

0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:54.719
<v Speaker 1>kind things for them and then just be like it

0:10:54.720 --> 0:10:56.600
<v Speaker 1>psych just kidding and then like leave.

0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:57.400
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, that's fine.

0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:59.080
<v Speaker 5>I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I'm just saying

0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:00.840
<v Speaker 5>we can't jump the concludion it's only been two months

0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:02.360
<v Speaker 5>of this guy doing this stuff, for sure.

0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:04.760
<v Speaker 1>I mean, obviously we don't know what their relationship actually

0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:07.120
<v Speaker 1>is like between the two of them. We are basing

0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:09.640
<v Speaker 1>this off of a two minute conversation with Nikki, but

0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:12.040
<v Speaker 1>I think her sister's looking out for her. If you

0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:16.320
<v Speaker 1>missed it, Nikki basically was that Thanksgiving and she was

0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:18.280
<v Speaker 1>telling her sister about how this new guy she's been

0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:21.120
<v Speaker 1>seeing he was texting her like pretty consistently asking her

0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:24.440
<v Speaker 1>a million questions throughout Thanksgiving, and he also gives her

0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:26.720
<v Speaker 1>a lot of gifts. He already has a song for them,

0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:29.120
<v Speaker 1>and her sister was like, that's love bombing and it's

0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:33.520
<v Speaker 1>you should run. It's not okay. But yeah, so we've

0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:35.160
<v Speaker 1>had quite a few texts. We'll do one more phone

0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:37.040
<v Speaker 1>call and we're gonna wrap this up. We have Lisa

0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:40.400
<v Speaker 1>on the phone. Hi, Lisa, Hi, what did you want

0:11:40.400 --> 0:11:41.440
<v Speaker 1>to say about group therapy?

0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:46.080
<v Speaker 8>I just went to the same thing. I start of

0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:46.840
<v Speaker 8>seeing some guy.

0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:47.720
<v Speaker 6>He got me.

0:11:47.840 --> 0:11:50.920
<v Speaker 8>Roses, he told me he loved me, he sent me

0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:53.400
<v Speaker 8>texts all the time. But then after like a month

0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:55.640
<v Speaker 8>and a half, I started turning really bad.

0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:56.960
<v Speaker 2>He was rude to me.

0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:01.040
<v Speaker 8>I felt a kindom of lies. I'm like, it was horrible.

0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:06.160
<v Speaker 8>But this guy that she's seeing isn't doing like, isn't lying,

0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:10.079
<v Speaker 8>is still sweet, It's okay with being apart from her

0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.319
<v Speaker 8>and not trying to move in or anything like that.

0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:16.040
<v Speaker 8>I'd tell her to take take her chances.

0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:19.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so you've even experienced it and you're saying, still,

0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:21.480
<v Speaker 1>maybe do it, but just be cautious because obviously, like

0:12:21.600 --> 0:12:24.080
<v Speaker 1>it turned for you, it turned into a pretty negative

0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:24.960
<v Speaker 1>situation for you.

0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:30.400
<v Speaker 8>Yes, very bad. Like it's like roses little sweet, nothing's

0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:35.199
<v Speaker 8>always pain. I'm like to a complete listening to flying

0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:38.000
<v Speaker 8>to me you want to And because they couldn't move in,

0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:41.360
<v Speaker 8>he threw a big fit. He talked badly about me

0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:45.600
<v Speaker 8>to a friends and family and like that was like

0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:47.520
<v Speaker 8>a true case of love bombing. But if this guy

0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:50.600
<v Speaker 8>is still doing the things for her and it's not

0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.480
<v Speaker 8>fighting with her and not saying bad things about her,

0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:56.000
<v Speaker 8>and it's still perfect, and I tell her to take

0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:57.800
<v Speaker 8>my chances of okay, I like that.

0:12:57.880 --> 0:12:59.400
<v Speaker 1>I mean, we've gotten a lot of different things and

0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:03.800
<v Speaker 1>so many text messages that have come in. We can

0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:05.440
<v Speaker 1>read a couple of these, but then we'll wrap up.

0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:08.600
<v Speaker 1>Love Bombing is mostly applied when one person feels like

0:13:08.600 --> 0:13:11.120
<v Speaker 1>they're about to lose the other person, not in the

0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:15.080
<v Speaker 1>first phases. Someone says, someone else says, I'm a therapist.

0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:17.200
<v Speaker 1>And people who say love bombing is so great and

0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:20.000
<v Speaker 1>just one way of showing affection don't truly understand what

0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:24.080
<v Speaker 1>love bombing is. People who are bombing do not like boundaries.

0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.880
<v Speaker 1>So she could test it by setting a small limit

0:13:26.960 --> 0:13:29.800
<v Speaker 1>and seeing how he reacts, and if he gets upset

0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:32.520
<v Speaker 1>then that it would be her sign to run, and

0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:33.840
<v Speaker 1>that comes from a therapist.

0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:36.200
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, we just don't We don't know if they set boundaries,

0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:38.000
<v Speaker 5>or if she's okay with it or what because she

0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:40.360
<v Speaker 5>has been fine with it. I'm just saying we cannot

0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.400
<v Speaker 5>put the we cannot jump the conclusion and say that

0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.880
<v Speaker 5>he's love bombing, because if that's the case, anytime anybody

0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.200
<v Speaker 5>shows any affection in a relationship, but we jump to that,

0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:48.840
<v Speaker 5>I'm sorry.

0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:50.439
<v Speaker 4>You'll probably be single for a while.