WEBVTT - 10-25-25 Saturday Night with Donna D and Dr. Wes 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:00.840 I'm excited. 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:04.440 Donna Dee here with doctor Wes and what we're kind 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:06.480 of calling this relationship Radio. 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:08.440 I think is your Micah. 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.800 You used to be a DJ doctors a long time ago, 0:00:15.320 --> 0:00:19.079 so yeah, you know what is exciting about this is 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:23.759 that we deep dive into some of these important topics, 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:28.320 and tonight we're going to talk about the all elusive love. 0:00:29.960 --> 0:00:32.440 Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:34.760 in love? And how do you know what love is? 0:00:34.840 --> 0:00:38.839 This is a big question. We know that the quality 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:42.960 of your life is determined on the quality of your relationships. 0:00:42.640 --> 0:00:47.000 And it's it's so interesting. 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:51.040 I was watching this interview with Jennifer Lopez, right, very 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:52.000 successful woman. 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:53.880 She was on with Howard Stern. 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:59.040 I mean, she's gorgeous, she's you know, talented, she has 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:00.120 a ton of money. 0:01:00.200 --> 0:01:01.280 You know, she's beautiful. 0:01:01.640 --> 0:01:06.119 He asked her the question, have you ever truly been 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:12.920 loved in your life? And she said no, married four times, 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:15.640 divorce four times. And then he asked her, have you 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:17.640 ever loved someone truly? 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:22.399 And she said yes. So how do you know when 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:23.119 you're in love? 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:29.800 Maybe it's infatuation, maybe it's you're just trying to get somebody, 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:33.160 or you just want to be with somebody because there's 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:36.440 you know, people that are with people that shouldn't be 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:40.120 with each other because they're lonely or they think that 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:43.760 they're lonely. Right, So have you Let's start with you, 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:46.000 doctor West, and we want this to be interactive, so 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:48.760 we want you to call us five one, three seven 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:52.720 over nine seven eight hundred, the big one. We want 0:01:52.760 --> 0:01:56.080 you to call because we have a licensed marriage family 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:59.720 therapist here that is going to take questions and we're 0:01:59.720 --> 0:02:01.240 going to deep dive into this. 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:03.680 So have you ever been in love? And how do 0:02:03.720 --> 0:02:06.040 you know, doctor Wes. 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:11.960 I've been in love, Yes, I initially it began that 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:15.880 way because we we had positive regard for each other. 0:02:15.960 --> 0:02:20.519 So that means we really we were each other as cheerleaders. 0:02:20.800 --> 0:02:23.000 We were we looked each other in the eye, we 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:27.400 held hands, We we wanted to spend every moment we 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:31.200 could together. We uh, you know, we're curious about each other. 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:35.840 Do I feel like uh, well, I mean I've gone 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:40.280 through a divorce and do I feel like that love lasted? No? 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:43.359 It didn't. No? 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:45.600 No, Well, I mean there are a lot of people 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:48.359 that go through divorce and were in love. I mean, 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:51.560 I'm right with you on that because I've been married 0:02:51.639 --> 0:02:55.399 and was in love and loved my husband. In fact, 0:02:55.480 --> 0:02:58.960 I still do because I don't think that once you 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:02.960 love some that love ever goes away completely. 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:04.280 I mean I. 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:09.200 Still love my ex husband in a way that I'm 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:11.520 rooting for him. I want him to do well. I 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:14.040 want him to be happy and he's in a new 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:17.240 relationship and I want him to be loved and know 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:20.040 how to do that as well as an important thing 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:23.200 to do is to know how to love someone. Bob 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:26.440 Marley wrote a whole song, could You Be Loved and 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:30.760 Be Love? Right? It's really important to figure out what 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:34.840 love is and how you have been able to figure 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:37.760 this out. So again five one, three seven four ninety 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:43.600 seven thousand, we're asking and starting tonight's topic with have 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:47.800 you ever been in love? And how did you know? 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:51.440 Like there are some signs and we're going to get 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:55.720 into that, but you counsel thousands of couples over your 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:59.640 tenure as a licensed marriage family therapist out of Nashville. 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:05.720 Are there signs that couples that you know that that 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:09.120 they look like they love love each other or act 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:10.240 like they love each other. 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:15.840 Yeah, they they make eye contact, they they reach for 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:20.360 each other physically. They make bids for connections so they 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:25.240 they know what each other's favorite snack might be, they 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:26.920 know what each other would want at the store, they 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:29.800 pick things up for each other. They make these small 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:33.800 bids for connection throughout the day, and they stay connected 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:34.320 in that way. 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:37.240 Okay, So if some give me an example of a 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:40.040 small bid of connection, what does that mean? 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:45.120 Yeah, So what I would say about bid for connection 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:48.440 would be would be when when let's say in the 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:51.920 early in the morning, you look over and you say 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:54.680 good morning, you as a direct bid for connection. Yeah, 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.560 that's a direct bid for connection. Another bid for connection 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:01.560 may be coming up behind someone and just gently, you know, 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:05.680 maybe just just touching their arm and you're reaching for affection, 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:08.880 and if the other person just ignores it, flat out 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:13.479 ignores it, then that's a that's a failed bid for connection. Yeah. Right, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:19.080 So there can be more subtle, more less less direct 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:23.320 bids for connection. Yeah, that that certainly can. And if 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:28.200 those failed bids for connection continue, that's going to one 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:31.560 partner will get discouraged. They stop growing. I think couples 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:35.479 that fall out of love they stop growing together, They move. 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:38.640 In different directions, they stop caring about what the other 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:42.960 person feels or their personal happiness even probably at times, 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:46.839 because there are couples that I know that you're like, 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:49.120 oh man, what are they doing together? 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:50.880 Like they probably shouldn't. 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:55.520 And there are people that stay together just because it's 0:05:55.560 --> 0:06:00.920 comfortable or convenient, and they would you say that that's 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:04.120 somewhat giving up on the love that they've had. 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:06.800 Yeah, it is. It is giving up on the love 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:11.200 they had. They they've they have lost the desire to 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:14.640 try to choose. I say, love is a verb. It 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:17.720 is something you you choose to do every day. Mm hmm. 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:21.200 It's and and it and it's so it's action, it's action. 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:25.279 It's not something that people will say that that I've 0:06:25.600 --> 0:06:27.680 I just I just fell out of love. And I'm 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.080 always really curious about that because I'm I'm because I 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:32.719 want to know, Okay, what did you do to fall 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:36.840 out of love? Because you made decisions to not reach 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.560 for each other. You made a conscious decision to stop 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:42.479 growing together. Yes, it's not something that just randomly happens 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:44.960 to you. There were decisions that you made throughout the 0:06:45.040 --> 0:06:49.760 day to not engage with your partner, to choose something else. 0:06:50.000 --> 0:06:53.640 And are those the couples when they're in therapy, because 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:57.120 you see couples at like their trauma, like you're at 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.360 you're at they're at, kind. 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.839 Of like we need to do something. 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:03.960 Most often, I'm sure there are couples that go to 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:09.600 counseling to prevent some of that from happening. But the majority, 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.200 you would say, come when they really need your help. 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:16.960 So are the are the couples that reach for each other? 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:20.360 Do they do? They look at each other and look 0:07:20.400 --> 0:07:22.760 in their eyes when they're talking. I mean, how does that? 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:28.720 There's eye contact? Yeah, yeah, there is vulnerability. They are 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:33.200 willing to ask each other questions and be honest with 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:35.920 each other. The ones that don't make it are very 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:38.200 shallow in their questions that they ask each other. They 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:40.560 don't they don't go deep with their questions at all. 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:46.480 I recently, I've I've been seeing couples that they have 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:48.960 so much contempt. You've heard me talk about that, Yeah, 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:51.360 but they have so much contempt for each other that 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:55.160 it's almost as if there are stranger. They're strangers. They 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:56.800 just it's almost like they can't stand to be in 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:57.800 the same room with each other. 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:00.720 Right, you know you just said some thing that. 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:04.840 I mean, I almost stopped listening because it struck me 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:08.080 so hard when you said they're vulnerable with each other 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:11.040 because I remember one of the things, one of those 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:15.800 moments in my marriage, and we were connected for a 0:08:15.800 --> 0:08:18.440 long time, we really were, but there was something that 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:21.480 he lied to me about and I caught him, and 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:25.320 I and I didn't trust him and didn't feel like 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:30.360 I could go deep with him because I caught him lying. 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:34.080 And then I thought, well, it was such a silly 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:36.360 thing to lie to me about too, So like what 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:39.760 else am I not seeing? And I started questioning in 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.600 my mind, like does this guy have my back? What is? 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:47.520 And then I became guarded. I put up a wall 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:52.400 after that, and that was maybe one of the starts 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:58.680 to the downhill that happened in our marriage. So people, 0:08:58.840 --> 0:09:01.480 couples that are vulnerable, you have to have trust that 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:02.679 they have your back. 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:07.240 Right, absolutely, Yeah, absolutely, you have to have vulnerability and trust. 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:11.199 And contempt is really when a partner treats the other 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:14.320 with disrespect. They feel superior to that person, They feel 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:20.000 discussed a name, called call each other names. Yeah, that mocking, 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:23.520 eye rolling, They have hostile humor towards each other. That 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.760 is one of the strongest predictors of divorce separation, which 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.079 is what contempt. 0:09:28.600 --> 0:09:31.360 So, yeah, when somebody says a joke and you don't 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:33.920 think it's funny because it's aimed at you, that's that's 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:34.920 what did you just call that? 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:35.959 Contempt? No? 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:41.120 No, no, the hostile hostile humor, hostile humor. Yeah, yeah, 0:09:41.160 --> 0:09:43.400 it's not funny if both people are loved. 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:44.880 No, I mean that is. 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:47.720 I've watched couples, you know, when you're out to dinner 0:09:47.760 --> 0:09:50.440 with a couple and one of them says something kind 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.200 of tricky like that, and the other one takes it 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:57.200 personally and maybe rightfully, so a little bit because there 0:09:57.280 --> 0:09:59.920 was some some some sticky stuff in there. It's just 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:05.440 uncomfortable for everybody. Everybody feels real weird when it's hostile humor. 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:07.960 I got to write that down. Yeah, hostile humor. The 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:11.120 story of us. I noticed that couples that really are 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:15.120 successful have a story of us. So they have shared meaning, 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:20.360 they have shared values. Okay, they they have a shared narrative, 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.760 like their their stories are consistent and they match and 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:27.720 they are compatible with each other. When you start to 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:31.280 have differing stories of the relationship where they're coming in 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:33.480 they're telling on each other, and they're wanting me to tell. 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:35.679 They're wanting me to be the referee to say who's right. 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:40.640 I know, I've got a difficult couple, got a long journey. 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:42.920 I got a long journey. Yeah, because they are they 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:48.160 now are no longer sharing the narrative of their of 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:49.480 their love for each other. 0:10:49.600 --> 0:10:51.840 Well, and listen, we're not saying that this should all 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:56.560 be you know, rainbows and butterflies all the time. Relationships 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.120 are hard. That's why we're talking about it. It is 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:03.240 that they're not. This is an easy stuff here. So 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:06.800 when somebody has contempt and I know that that's a 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:09.840 sure sign of divorce, has anyone ever come back from 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:12.800 that in your couples? Like, I know it's hard to 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:16.240 predict or whatever, but it feels like if both if 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:19.959 you've had some contempt once in a while and something, 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:24.200 but contempt is over time, it really is a strong. 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:28.640 Yeah. It's like it's like, I hope I have to 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:32.720 poke holes in that wall consistently each week. So I 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:35.120 have to get them. What I mean by that is 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:39.120 I have to get them to a vulnerable place where 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:44.240 they own their part of that contempt. And that's so challenging. 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:48.480 People are so threatened in those relationships that they will 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:51.680 not be vulnerable with me. Wow a lot of times. 0:11:51.800 --> 0:11:55.000 Okay, So they have to own their contempt. They have 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:56.720 to own So you have to say, did you just 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:58.240 hear the way you spoke to him? 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:04.680 That's right? And own it and express why why you 0:12:04.800 --> 0:12:08.560 were being contemptuous? What is it you're afraid of? Where 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:10.800 is the pain point? I talk with couples about their 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:13.960 pain points. Yeah, what what is it that's really hurting you? 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.040 What are what are you thinking about? What are you 0:12:16.280 --> 0:12:18.200 when you look at your partner? What are the negative 0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:21.719 thoughts that come up? What are the negative feelings? Attachment injuries? 0:12:21.960 --> 0:12:24.160 I work a lot with that. We hold on to 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:28.240 those attachment wounds and they don't get healed, and they 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.360 just keep festering. Where do those come from? That's when 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:34.200 you failed? You were you weren't there for me. I 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:36.280 needed you to show up for me, and you well, 0:12:36.400 --> 0:12:40.079 I mean the greatest attachment injury is infidelity. Yeah, right, 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:45.720 of course, but it also could be consistently I reach 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:49.760 for you in a very vulnerable place and I need 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:52.880 you to speak with me, and you just ignore me. 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:57.880 Okay, So a bit for connection is is doesn't get answered, 0:12:57.920 --> 0:12:58.960 doesn't get that's that? 0:12:59.440 --> 0:12:59.760 Okay. 0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:03.640 So what if I'm tired from work and I come 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:08.320 home and my partner wants he wants, you know, he's 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:11.520 looking for a bid for connection, and I'm just so tired. 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:12.720 I just need some space. 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:15.560 I just need or the kids are running around and 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:17.680 the dogs need to be fed. You've got to cook 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:21.200 dinner and that kind of stuff. How important is timing 0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:23.160 when you're looking for a bid for connection? 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:25.520 I would just touch base with each other and say, hey, 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.840 I notice that you're reaching for me right now, and 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.880 given you see what's happening right now, we don't have 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:36.800 the time to really connect, but I want to. Yeah, 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:38.520 I want to, and I want to come back to that. 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:40.880 So let's make a point to come back to that 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:42.199 before the night ends. Okay. 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:44.679 Yeah, so you can say, listen, let me get dinner ready, 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:48.679 let me get this going, and then before we wrap 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:51.120 it up for the night, we'll we'll make time for 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:51.520 each other. 0:13:51.640 --> 0:13:55.280 You acknowledge it, and you acknowledge that you see the bid, 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:59.600 and then you validate the emotion that I feel what 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:02.360 you're fing to. I want to connect with you too. 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:05.160 That's really what it's about is you want to feel 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:08.160 that you want to touch base. I call it a 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.200 secure base. Yeah, it's like you leave for the day 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:12.800 and you want to come back, you want to touch 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:15.319 base and just make sure we're still connected, and then 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:17.440 you leave and you come back and it's back and forth. 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:23.360 But couples that lose that secure base there, they don't 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:24.840 have they don't have that foundation. 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:28.480 They don't have each other's back, and that's what's really important. 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.200 So there are a couple of signs that you might 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:35.800 this might be a love relationship. The first one is 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:38.800 you feel like you're yourself around this person, and you know, 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.280 sometimes like and you can be open and honest and 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:43.640 all that stuff with somebody. But I kind of have 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:47.440 that with the barista at Starbucks. I mean I can 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:50.120 be open and honest with a lot of people. So 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:55.000 for me, I just feel comfortable around, you know, a 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:58.760 lot of people. So but I do understand that if 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:01.120 you have to put on a facade and make like 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:05.360 you're you know, you're somebody else for somebody important, maybe 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:08.080 that's not a good fit. And maybe that's just kind 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:13.720 of like an infatuation or you know, because butterflies are 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:17.000 great in the beginning, but that wears off, and if 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:21.200 you're looking for a loving relationship, then it's got to 0:15:21.240 --> 0:15:24.080 go deeper and just butterflies and being excited. 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:24.400 Right. 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:28.240 The other one is they are the first person you 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:29.360 want to share good news with. 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:30.080 I love that. 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:32.120 I mean I have a twin sister, so she comes 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:34.680 first for me all the time, So I mean she's 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:38.000 the first person I tell. But in a loving relationship 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:44.080 with my ex husband, I absolutely love telling him good 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:45.720 news first and foremost. 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:49.000 Do you agree with that? Absolutely? That's that's what I 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:52.520 miss from my marriage actually my I mean, I'm divorced now, 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:54.600 but that's one of the things that I do miss 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:56.800 about my ex wife and I is that we when 0:15:56.800 --> 0:16:00.480 we were good, we would share those wins throughout the 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:03.240 day and it felt really good to just touch base 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:05.680 and just send each other those text messages and connect. Yep. 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:07.400 So yes, I definitely agree with that. 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:10.000 Well, we're gonna get more into I've got about six 0:16:10.040 --> 0:16:11.960 more signs, so these are good and they do get 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:14.400 really good. Give us a call five one, three, seven, four, nine, 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:17.560 seven thousand. We're going to be back with more signs 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:20.120 on whether this is a loving relationship or it's just 0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:23.840 kind of infatuation. So five three, seven, four, nine, seven 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:29.440 thousand Donna Dy with doctor Wes Saturday Night, seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati, 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:37.120 Beautiful Night in Cincinnati. Donnad here with doctor Wes, a 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:41.840 licensed marriage family therapist, and we are talking about, you know, 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.000 the crazy concept of love. 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:44.640 Right. 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:48.800 The quality of our our life is determined on the 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:52.760 quality of our relationships. And we talk about how important 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:57.040 it is to be courageous in loving others and being loved. 0:16:57.080 --> 0:17:00.760 Being loved is kind of harder for people then to 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:04.280 love somebody. But we do have some signs We're talking 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:07.919 about this earlier, doctor West, signs that you are in 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:11.959 a loving relationship. We gave the first three that listen, 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:15.880 you feel like yourself around this person. This could be 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.639 you know, the first couple of weeks or a month 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:22.240 that you're with somebody, you really feel like yourself and 0:17:22.359 --> 0:17:27.240 you like yourself when you're with that person. They're the 0:17:27.280 --> 0:17:29.880 first person you want to share good news with. That's 0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:32.120 always a good sign, like, oh, I need to call 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:35.600 this person because I just have the best day right right. 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:40.160 Their happiness matters to you. Yes, that's a big deal. Yes, 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:44.320 And if you're in a long term relationship and you 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:48.040 have that, you care that the person you are with 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:51.960 is happy, and if you don't, that's a problem, right, right, 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.040 You feel safe emotionally and physically. 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:56.639 This is a big deal to me. 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:00.720 Why is that important to feel safe and emotion and 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:02.400 physically when you're with somebody. 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:04.680 Well, emotionally, if you don't feel safe, you're not going 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:08.320 to be honest, you're not vulnerable. Vulnerable, You're not You're 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:09.239 going to put the wall up. 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:13.760 Yeah, and physically too, Like as a woman, sure, I 0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:16.320 like a man to be a man, and I like 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:22.080 I like somebody that if if I go somewhere, he's 0:18:22.119 --> 0:18:23.320 going to get me out of there. 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.399 If there's a mess, right, that's right. Yes, So you 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:29.320 want to feel physically that you're safe with your partner. 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:31.280 What would be a physical. 0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:36.199 Safety for you with a woman, Like physically is she 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:38.159 if she shows emotion in public with you? 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:41.880 Is that something that's would be a safety. 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:42.520 Net for you? 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:46.400 Yeah, I think emotionally, I mean men in general, men 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:51.560 in general, Yeah, I think emotional regulation is very important. Yes, 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:55.959 for sure, with both partners. The ability to regulate your 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:59.679 emotions can create a sense of physical safety when you're 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:00.960 out Yeah. 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:04.359 Generally when you think physical, for me as a woman, 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.640 he's a protector. That's just because he's the lion and 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:10.040 he's a protector. That's what I mean. For a man, 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:15.520 what is physical? What does physical safety mean with a woman? 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:19.240 Is that even a thing is and you know that 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:22.320 she's not going to leave you in a party when 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:23.280 she's talking to somebody. 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:25.800 I mean, what is that? Yeah, that could be. That 0:19:25.840 --> 0:19:29.399 could be emotional and psychological safety if you if you 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:33.600 feel that you can trust your partner, you're you're a 0:19:33.640 --> 0:19:38.199 female partner to not to be honest, to be loyal 0:19:38.280 --> 0:19:40.720 to you, loyal to you, A loyalty could be a 0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:44.240 part of that physical safety too. But I don't know 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:47.040 about that. It just depends on the gender roles, right right. 0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:49.320 I mean that's what when I think about it. The 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:53.040 man really has the responsibility in the physical area of 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:58.000 making women feel safety safe with them physically. That's a 0:19:58.000 --> 0:20:01.600 big deal to women, I think. Okay, so I just 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:04.760 don't know what my role is as a woman in 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:09.840 the relationship of making them feel emotionally, yes, physical what 0:20:10.040 --> 0:20:10.400 is that? 0:20:10.880 --> 0:20:11.160 I mean? 0:20:11.200 --> 0:20:14.280 What is let's yeah, what is that? 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:18.960 Five three seven, four nine seven thousand Men? I would 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:21.480 love to hear from you what do you want from 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:27.120 your woman in terms of physical safety. One of them 0:20:27.200 --> 0:20:31.040 might be that she's not loud and tries to, you know, 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:34.160 create a ruckus so he doesn't have to get involved. 0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:34.800 That would be. 0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:38.360 Somebody that's going to get their man out of there too. 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:40.919 I remember there was one time I was and it 0:20:40.960 --> 0:20:43.560 wasn't even a boyfriend of mine. I was with a 0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:45.160 crowd of people. We were at a crowd of people 0:20:45.160 --> 0:20:47.480 and we were at a bar. This was many, many 0:20:47.600 --> 0:20:52.160 years ago, and for some reason, this guy just went 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.240 to a friend of ours and just wanted to start trouble. 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:59.000 And I saw what was happening, and I literally grabbed 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:01.879 his hand and moved him and got him out of 0:21:01.920 --> 0:21:03.920 there and said let's go. 0:21:04.600 --> 0:21:06.040 And he turned to me. 0:21:06.200 --> 0:21:08.359 And said because he didn't want to get we were 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:09.440 all having the best time. 0:21:09.720 --> 0:21:11.679 And he turned to me and said, thank you. 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:14.479 So that very much could be it. 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:17.719 Yeah, I just thought of that. Yeah, five one, three, seven, four, nine, 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:19.560 seven thousand. If you have something to add to that, 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:22.560 because I would love to hear what you're what you 0:21:22.720 --> 0:21:26.680 would love for women to do in terms of physical safety. 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:33.679 Emotional and physical is important for women, and you know, 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:36.120 the gender roles are a really important thing. I mean, 0:21:36.160 --> 0:21:39.640 I want I want a man to get me out 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:42.640 of there in that situation. Right, let's go to Mike 0:21:43.240 --> 0:21:45.159 and see if he's on I think Joe, did you 0:21:45.240 --> 0:21:49.359 get him? Yeah, let's see, Hey, Mike from Independence, what 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:50.240 do you think on this? 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:55.280 Yeah? So for me, a couple of things. I want 0:21:55.320 --> 0:21:58.679