Speaker 1: I'm excited.
Speaker 2: Donna Dee here with doctor Wes and what we're kind
Speaker 2: of calling this relationship Radio.
Speaker 1: I think is your Micah.
Speaker 2: You used to be a DJ doctors a long time ago,
Speaker 2: so yeah, you know what is exciting about this is
Speaker 2: that we deep dive into some of these important topics,
Speaker 2: and tonight we're going to talk about the all elusive love.
Speaker 2: Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been
Speaker 2: in love? And how do you know what love is?
Speaker 2: This is a big question. We know that the quality
Speaker 2: of your life is determined on the quality of your relationships.
Speaker 3: And it's it's so interesting.
Speaker 2: I was watching this interview with Jennifer Lopez, right, very
Speaker 2: successful woman.
Speaker 1: She was on with Howard Stern.
Speaker 2: I mean, she's gorgeous, she's you know, talented, she has
Speaker 2: a ton of money.
Speaker 3: You know, she's beautiful.
Speaker 2: He asked her the question, have you ever truly been
Speaker 2: loved in your life? And she said no, married four times,
Speaker 2: divorce four times. And then he asked her, have you
Speaker 2: ever loved someone truly?
Speaker 3: And she said yes. So how do you know when
Speaker 3: you're in love?
Speaker 2: Maybe it's infatuation, maybe it's you're just trying to get somebody,
Speaker 2: or you just want to be with somebody because there's
Speaker 2: you know, people that are with people that shouldn't be
Speaker 2: with each other because they're lonely or they think that
Speaker 2: they're lonely. Right, So have you Let's start with you,
Speaker 2: doctor West, and we want this to be interactive, so
Speaker 2: we want you to call us five one, three seven
Speaker 2: over nine seven eight hundred, the big one. We want
Speaker 2: you to call because we have a licensed marriage family
Speaker 2: therapist here that is going to take questions and we're
Speaker 2: going to deep dive into this.
Speaker 3: So have you ever been in love? And how do
Speaker 3: you know, doctor Wes.
Speaker 1: I've been in love, Yes, I initially it began that
Speaker 1: way because we we had positive regard for each other.
Speaker 1: So that means we really we were each other as cheerleaders.
Speaker 1: We were we looked each other in the eye, we
Speaker 1: held hands, We we wanted to spend every moment we
Speaker 1: could together. We uh, you know, we're curious about each other.
Speaker 1: Do I feel like uh, well, I mean I've gone
Speaker 1: through a divorce and do I feel like that love lasted? No?
Speaker 1: It didn't. No?
Speaker 2: No, Well, I mean there are a lot of people
Speaker 2: that go through divorce and were in love. I mean,
Speaker 2: I'm right with you on that because I've been married
Speaker 2: and was in love and loved my husband. In fact,
Speaker 2: I still do because I don't think that once you
Speaker 2: love some that love ever goes away completely.
Speaker 1: I mean I.
Speaker 2: Still love my ex husband in a way that I'm
Speaker 2: rooting for him. I want him to do well. I
Speaker 2: want him to be happy and he's in a new
Speaker 2: relationship and I want him to be loved and know
Speaker 2: how to do that as well as an important thing
Speaker 2: to do is to know how to love someone. Bob
Speaker 2: Marley wrote a whole song, could You Be Loved and
Speaker 2: Be Love? Right? It's really important to figure out what
Speaker 2: love is and how you have been able to figure
Speaker 2: this out. So again five one, three seven four ninety
Speaker 2: seven thousand, we're asking and starting tonight's topic with have
Speaker 2: you ever been in love? And how did you know?
Speaker 2: Like there are some signs and we're going to get
Speaker 2: into that, but you counsel thousands of couples over your
Speaker 2: tenure as a licensed marriage family therapist out of Nashville.
Speaker 2: Are there signs that couples that you know that that
Speaker 2: they look like they love love each other or act
Speaker 2: like they love each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they they make eye contact, they they reach for
Speaker 1: each other physically. They make bids for connections so they
Speaker 1: they know what each other's favorite snack might be, they
Speaker 1: know what each other would want at the store, they
Speaker 1: pick things up for each other. They make these small
Speaker 1: bids for connection throughout the day, and they stay connected
Speaker 1: in that way.
Speaker 2: Okay, So if some give me an example of a
Speaker 2: small bid of connection, what does that mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So what I would say about bid for connection
Speaker 1: would be would be when when let's say in the
Speaker 1: early in the morning, you look over and you say
Speaker 1: good morning, you as a direct bid for connection. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a direct bid for connection. Another bid for connection
Speaker 1: may be coming up behind someone and just gently, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe just just touching their arm and you're reaching for affection,
Speaker 1: and if the other person just ignores it, flat out
Speaker 1: ignores it, then that's a that's a failed bid for connection. Yeah. Right,
Speaker 1: So there can be more subtle, more less less direct
Speaker 1: bids for connection. Yeah, that that certainly can. And if
Speaker 1: those failed bids for connection continue, that's going to one
Speaker 1: partner will get discouraged. They stop growing. I think couples
Speaker 1: that fall out of love they stop growing together, They move.
Speaker 2: In different directions, they stop caring about what the other
Speaker 2: person feels or their personal happiness even probably at times,
Speaker 2: because there are couples that I know that you're like,
Speaker 2: oh man, what are they doing together?
Speaker 1: Like they probably shouldn't.
Speaker 2: And there are people that stay together just because it's
Speaker 2: comfortable or convenient, and they would you say that that's
Speaker 2: somewhat giving up on the love that they've had.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. It is giving up on the love
Speaker 1: they had. They they've they have lost the desire to
Speaker 1: try to choose. I say, love is a verb. It
Speaker 1: is something you you choose to do every day. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: It's and and it and it's so it's action, it's action.
Speaker 1: It's not something that people will say that that I've
Speaker 1: I just I just fell out of love. And I'm
Speaker 1: always really curious about that because I'm I'm because I
Speaker 1: want to know, Okay, what did you do to fall
Speaker 1: out of love? Because you made decisions to not reach
Speaker 1: for each other. You made a conscious decision to stop
Speaker 1: growing together. Yes, it's not something that just randomly happens
Speaker 1: to you. There were decisions that you made throughout the
Speaker 1: day to not engage with your partner, to choose something else.
Speaker 2: And are those the couples when they're in therapy, because
Speaker 2: you see couples at like their trauma, like you're at
Speaker 2: you're at they're at, kind.
Speaker 3: Of like we need to do something.
Speaker 2: Most often, I'm sure there are couples that go to
Speaker 2: counseling to prevent some of that from happening. But the majority,
Speaker 2: you would say, come when they really need your help.
Speaker 2: So are the are the couples that reach for each other?
Speaker 2: Do they do? They look at each other and look
Speaker 2: in their eyes when they're talking. I mean, how does that?
Speaker 1: There's eye contact? Yeah, yeah, there is vulnerability. They are
Speaker 1: willing to ask each other questions and be honest with
Speaker 1: each other. The ones that don't make it are very
Speaker 1: shallow in their questions that they ask each other. They
Speaker 1: don't they don't go deep with their questions at all.
Speaker 1: I recently, I've I've been seeing couples that they have
Speaker 1: so much contempt. You've heard me talk about that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but they have so much contempt for each other that
Speaker 1: it's almost as if there are stranger. They're strangers. They
Speaker 1: just it's almost like they can't stand to be in
Speaker 1: the same room with each other.
Speaker 3: Right, you know you just said some thing that.
Speaker 2: I mean, I almost stopped listening because it struck me
Speaker 2: so hard when you said they're vulnerable with each other
Speaker 2: because I remember one of the things, one of those
Speaker 2: moments in my marriage, and we were connected for a
Speaker 2: long time, we really were, but there was something that
Speaker 2: he lied to me about and I caught him, and
Speaker 2: I and I didn't trust him and didn't feel like
Speaker 2: I could go deep with him because I caught him lying.
Speaker 2: And then I thought, well, it was such a silly
Speaker 2: thing to lie to me about too, So like what
Speaker 2: else am I not seeing? And I started questioning in
Speaker 2: my mind, like does this guy have my back? What is?
Speaker 2: And then I became guarded. I put up a wall
Speaker 2: after that, and that was maybe one of the starts
Speaker 2: to the downhill that happened in our marriage. So people,
Speaker 2: couples that are vulnerable, you have to have trust that
Speaker 2: they have your back.
Speaker 1: Right, absolutely, Yeah, absolutely, you have to have vulnerability and trust.
Speaker 1: And contempt is really when a partner treats the other
Speaker 1: with disrespect. They feel superior to that person, They feel
Speaker 1: discussed a name, called call each other names. Yeah, that mocking,
Speaker 1: eye rolling, They have hostile humor towards each other. That
Speaker 1: is one of the strongest predictors of divorce separation, which
Speaker 1: is what contempt.
Speaker 2: So, yeah, when somebody says a joke and you don't
Speaker 2: think it's funny because it's aimed at you, that's that's
Speaker 2: what did you just call that?
Speaker 1: Contempt? No?
Speaker 2: No, no, the hostile hostile humor, hostile humor. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's not funny if both people are loved.
Speaker 1: No, I mean that is.
Speaker 2: I've watched couples, you know, when you're out to dinner
Speaker 2: with a couple and one of them says something kind
Speaker 2: of tricky like that, and the other one takes it
Speaker 2: personally and maybe rightfully, so a little bit because there
Speaker 2: was some some some sticky stuff in there. It's just
Speaker 2: uncomfortable for everybody. Everybody feels real weird when it's hostile humor.
Speaker 1: I got to write that down. Yeah, hostile humor. The
Speaker 1: story of us. I noticed that couples that really are
Speaker 1: successful have a story of us. So they have shared meaning,
Speaker 1: they have shared values. Okay, they they have a shared narrative,
Speaker 1: like their their stories are consistent and they match and
Speaker 1: they are compatible with each other. When you start to
Speaker 1: have differing stories of the relationship where they're coming in
Speaker 1: they're telling on each other, and they're wanting me to tell.
Speaker 1: They're wanting me to be the referee to say who's right.
Speaker 1: I know, I've got a difficult couple, got a long journey.
Speaker 1: I got a long journey. Yeah, because they are they
Speaker 1: now are no longer sharing the narrative of their of
Speaker 1: their love for each other.
Speaker 2: Well, and listen, we're not saying that this should all
Speaker 2: be you know, rainbows and butterflies all the time. Relationships
Speaker 2: are hard. That's why we're talking about it. It is
Speaker 2: that they're not. This is an easy stuff here. So
Speaker 2: when somebody has contempt and I know that that's a
Speaker 2: sure sign of divorce, has anyone ever come back from
Speaker 2: that in your couples? Like, I know it's hard to
Speaker 2: predict or whatever, but it feels like if both if
Speaker 2: you've had some contempt once in a while and something,
Speaker 2: but contempt is over time, it really is a strong.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's like it's like, I hope I have to
Speaker 1: poke holes in that wall consistently each week. So I
Speaker 1: have to get them. What I mean by that is
Speaker 1: I have to get them to a vulnerable place where
Speaker 1: they own their part of that contempt. And that's so challenging.
Speaker 1: People are so threatened in those relationships that they will
Speaker 1: not be vulnerable with me. Wow a lot of times.
Speaker 2: Okay, So they have to own their contempt. They have
Speaker 2: to own So you have to say, did you just
Speaker 2: hear the way you spoke to him?
Speaker 1: That's right? And own it and express why why you
Speaker 1: were being contemptuous? What is it you're afraid of? Where
Speaker 1: is the pain point? I talk with couples about their
Speaker 1: pain points. Yeah, what what is it that's really hurting you?
Speaker 1: What are what are you thinking about? What are you
Speaker 1: when you look at your partner? What are the negative
Speaker 1: thoughts that come up? What are the negative feelings? Attachment injuries?
Speaker 1: I work a lot with that. We hold on to
Speaker 1: those attachment wounds and they don't get healed, and they
Speaker 1: just keep festering. Where do those come from? That's when
Speaker 1: you failed? You were you weren't there for me. I
Speaker 1: needed you to show up for me, and you well,
Speaker 1: I mean the greatest attachment injury is infidelity. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: of course, but it also could be consistently I reach
Speaker 1: for you in a very vulnerable place and I need
Speaker 1: you to speak with me, and you just ignore me.
Speaker 2: Okay, So a bit for connection is is doesn't get answered,
Speaker 2: doesn't get that's that?
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: So what if I'm tired from work and I come
Speaker 2: home and my partner wants he wants, you know, he's
Speaker 2: looking for a bid for connection, and I'm just so tired.
Speaker 3: I just need some space.
Speaker 2: I just need or the kids are running around and
Speaker 2: the dogs need to be fed. You've got to cook
Speaker 2: dinner and that kind of stuff. How important is timing
Speaker 2: when you're looking for a bid for connection?
Speaker 1: I would just touch base with each other and say, hey,
Speaker 1: I notice that you're reaching for me right now, and
Speaker 1: given you see what's happening right now, we don't have
Speaker 1: the time to really connect, but I want to. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to, and I want to come back to that.
Speaker 1: So let's make a point to come back to that
Speaker 1: before the night ends. Okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you can say, listen, let me get dinner ready,
Speaker 2: let me get this going, and then before we wrap
Speaker 2: it up for the night, we'll we'll make time for
Speaker 2: each other.
Speaker 1: You acknowledge it, and you acknowledge that you see the bid,
Speaker 1: and then you validate the emotion that I feel what
Speaker 1: you're fing to. I want to connect with you too.
Speaker 1: That's really what it's about is you want to feel
Speaker 1: that you want to touch base. I call it a
Speaker 1: secure base. Yeah, it's like you leave for the day
Speaker 1: and you want to come back, you want to touch
Speaker 1: base and just make sure we're still connected, and then
Speaker 1: you leave and you come back and it's back and forth.
Speaker 1: But couples that lose that secure base there, they don't
Speaker 1: have they don't have that foundation.
Speaker 2: They don't have each other's back, and that's what's really important.
Speaker 2: So there are a couple of signs that you might
Speaker 2: this might be a love relationship. The first one is
Speaker 2: you feel like you're yourself around this person, and you know,
Speaker 2: sometimes like and you can be open and honest and
Speaker 2: all that stuff with somebody. But I kind of have
Speaker 2: that with the barista at Starbucks. I mean I can
Speaker 2: be open and honest with a lot of people. So
Speaker 2: for me, I just feel comfortable around, you know, a
Speaker 2: lot of people. So but I do understand that if
Speaker 2: you have to put on a facade and make like
Speaker 2: you're you know, you're somebody else for somebody important, maybe
Speaker 2: that's not a good fit. And maybe that's just kind
Speaker 2: of like an infatuation or you know, because butterflies are
Speaker 2: great in the beginning, but that wears off, and if
Speaker 2: you're looking for a loving relationship, then it's got to
Speaker 2: go deeper and just butterflies and being excited.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: The other one is they are the first person you
Speaker 2: want to share good news with.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: I mean I have a twin sister, so she comes
Speaker 2: first for me all the time, So I mean she's
Speaker 2: the first person I tell. But in a loving relationship
Speaker 2: with my ex husband, I absolutely love telling him good
Speaker 2: news first and foremost.
Speaker 1: Do you agree with that? Absolutely? That's that's what I
Speaker 1: miss from my marriage actually my I mean, I'm divorced now,
Speaker 1: but that's one of the things that I do miss
Speaker 1: about my ex wife and I is that we when
Speaker 1: we were good, we would share those wins throughout the
Speaker 1: day and it felt really good to just touch base
Speaker 1: and just send each other those text messages and connect. Yep.
Speaker 1: So yes, I definitely agree with that.
Speaker 2: Well, we're gonna get more into I've got about six
Speaker 2: more signs, so these are good and they do get
Speaker 2: really good. Give us a call five one, three, seven, four, nine,
Speaker 2: seven thousand. We're going to be back with more signs
Speaker 2: on whether this is a loving relationship or it's just
Speaker 2: kind of infatuation. So five three, seven, four, nine, seven
Speaker 2: thousand Donna Dy with doctor Wes Saturday Night, seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,
Speaker 2: Beautiful Night in Cincinnati. Donnad here with doctor Wes, a
Speaker 2: licensed marriage family therapist, and we are talking about, you know,
Speaker 2: the crazy concept of love.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: The quality of our our life is determined on the
Speaker 2: quality of our relationships. And we talk about how important
Speaker 2: it is to be courageous in loving others and being loved.
Speaker 2: Being loved is kind of harder for people then to
Speaker 2: love somebody. But we do have some signs We're talking
Speaker 2: about this earlier, doctor West, signs that you are in
Speaker 2: a loving relationship. We gave the first three that listen,
Speaker 2: you feel like yourself around this person. This could be
Speaker 2: you know, the first couple of weeks or a month
Speaker 2: that you're with somebody, you really feel like yourself and
Speaker 2: you like yourself when you're with that person. They're the
Speaker 2: first person you want to share good news with. That's
Speaker 2: always a good sign, like, oh, I need to call
Speaker 2: this person because I just have the best day right right.
Speaker 2: Their happiness matters to you. Yes, that's a big deal. Yes,
Speaker 2: And if you're in a long term relationship and you
Speaker 2: have that, you care that the person you are with
Speaker 2: is happy, and if you don't, that's a problem, right, right,
Speaker 2: You feel safe emotionally and physically.
Speaker 3: This is a big deal to me.
Speaker 2: Why is that important to feel safe and emotion and
Speaker 2: physically when you're with somebody.
Speaker 1: Well, emotionally, if you don't feel safe, you're not going
Speaker 1: to be honest, you're not vulnerable. Vulnerable, You're not You're
Speaker 1: going to put the wall up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and physically too, Like as a woman, sure, I
Speaker 2: like a man to be a man, and I like
Speaker 2: I like somebody that if if I go somewhere, he's
Speaker 2: going to get me out of there.
Speaker 1: If there's a mess, right, that's right. Yes, So you
Speaker 1: want to feel physically that you're safe with your partner.
Speaker 3: What would be a physical.
Speaker 2: Safety for you with a woman, Like physically is she
Speaker 2: if she shows emotion in public with you?
Speaker 3: Is that something that's would be a safety.
Speaker 2: Net for you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think emotionally, I mean men in general, men
Speaker 1: in general, Yeah, I think emotional regulation is very important. Yes,
Speaker 1: for sure, with both partners. The ability to regulate your
Speaker 1: emotions can create a sense of physical safety when you're
Speaker 1: out Yeah.
Speaker 2: Generally when you think physical, for me as a woman,
Speaker 2: he's a protector. That's just because he's the lion and
Speaker 2: he's a protector. That's what I mean. For a man,
Speaker 2: what is physical? What does physical safety mean with a woman?
Speaker 2: Is that even a thing is and you know that
Speaker 2: she's not going to leave you in a party when
Speaker 2: she's talking to somebody.
Speaker 1: I mean, what is that? Yeah, that could be. That
Speaker 1: could be emotional and psychological safety if you if you
Speaker 1: feel that you can trust your partner, you're you're a
Speaker 1: female partner to not to be honest, to be loyal
Speaker 1: to you, loyal to you, A loyalty could be a
Speaker 1: part of that physical safety too. But I don't know
Speaker 1: about that. It just depends on the gender roles, right right.
Speaker 2: I mean that's what when I think about it. The
Speaker 2: man really has the responsibility in the physical area of
Speaker 2: making women feel safety safe with them physically. That's a
Speaker 2: big deal to women, I think. Okay, so I just
Speaker 2: don't know what my role is as a woman in
Speaker 2: the relationship of making them feel emotionally, yes, physical what
Speaker 2: is that?
Speaker 4: I mean?
Speaker 1: What is let's yeah, what is that?
Speaker 2: Five three seven, four nine seven thousand Men? I would
Speaker 2: love to hear from you what do you want from
Speaker 2: your woman in terms of physical safety. One of them
Speaker 2: might be that she's not loud and tries to, you know,
Speaker 2: create a ruckus so he doesn't have to get involved.
Speaker 1: That would be.
Speaker 2: Somebody that's going to get their man out of there too.
Speaker 2: I remember there was one time I was and it
Speaker 2: wasn't even a boyfriend of mine. I was with a
Speaker 2: crowd of people. We were at a crowd of people
Speaker 2: and we were at a bar. This was many, many
Speaker 2: years ago, and for some reason, this guy just went
Speaker 2: to a friend of ours and just wanted to start trouble.
Speaker 2: And I saw what was happening, and I literally grabbed
Speaker 2: his hand and moved him and got him out of
Speaker 2: there and said let's go.
Speaker 3: And he turned to me.
Speaker 2: And said because he didn't want to get we were
Speaker 2: all having the best time.
Speaker 3: And he turned to me and said, thank you.
Speaker 1: So that very much could be it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just thought of that. Yeah, five one, three, seven, four, nine,
Speaker 2: seven thousand. If you have something to add to that,
Speaker 2: because I would love to hear what you're what you
Speaker 2: would love for women to do in terms of physical safety.
Speaker 2: Emotional and physical is important for women, and you know,
Speaker 2: the gender roles are a really important thing. I mean,
Speaker 2: I want I want a man to get me out
Speaker 2: of there in that situation. Right, let's go to Mike
Speaker 2: and see if he's on I think Joe, did you
Speaker 2: get him? Yeah, let's see, Hey, Mike from Independence, what
Speaker 2: do you think on this?
Speaker 5: Yeah? So for me, a couple of things. I want
Speaker 5: somebody who's not afraid to show affection and that we
Speaker 5: are together when we're out. And then the other thing
Speaker 5: you kind of touched on, but there's a female causing problems.
Speaker 5: I want to have the girl I might be able
Speaker 5: to kind of stand up for.
Speaker 6: Us as a couple without me getting involved with another.
Speaker 5: Female that's causing issues. So that's kind of where I'm
Speaker 5: at on that situation.
Speaker 1: No, so I brought that up.
Speaker 2: That is such a good point, Mike, because I said,
Speaker 2: is it you want your woman to show that you're
Speaker 2: loved and adored by your woman in public?
Speaker 3: So that is important to you, Mike?
Speaker 5: Absolutely, Yep. I don't want to have to me try
Speaker 5: to show the dominance and everybody'll say she's with me.
Speaker 5: I want her to be able to to reciprocate that
Speaker 5: that emotion and kind of feeling towards me.
Speaker 3: I think that. Do you agree with that?
Speaker 1: Jestuus, Yeah, that makes complete sense.
Speaker 2: Well, I agree, and I think I think most men
Speaker 2: would want that. I mean, there are guys that don't want,
Speaker 2: you know, to show, you know, what is that. There
Speaker 2: are people that don't want to be physically and you know,
Speaker 2: kissing in public or holding hands.
Speaker 3: Some guys don't like it.
Speaker 2: I'm one of those people that show emotion and show
Speaker 2: physical touch and yeah, in public, and I don't think
Speaker 2: there's anything wrong with that.
Speaker 1: So I think the world jealous. Exactly, you're in love
Speaker 1: and make everybody sick about it. There's no reason why
Speaker 1: you can't do that.
Speaker 2: Mike, thank you so much for the call. I really
Speaker 2: appreciate it. So, I there is something about physicalness that
Speaker 2: makes men feel safety and make.
Speaker 1: The world jealous. That's what he just said. I love that.
Speaker 2: Okay, we're going to finish up this topic. What about
Speaker 2: you're growing together? That's another That's another key indicator that
Speaker 2: you still have a lot of love in your relationship,
Speaker 2: is that you're willing to grow together.
Speaker 1: What does that mean, doctor Weiss? So, I think that
Speaker 1: you remain curious about each other you continue to you
Speaker 1: continue to to seek each other's dreams. So you're trying
Speaker 1: to like talk about where do you want us to
Speaker 1: go in the next five years, ten years, And so
Speaker 1: I think that that is about growing together and also
Speaker 1: emotionally continuing to check in. Like I talked about on
Speaker 1: the last show, that that emotional check in.
Speaker 2: Okay, So there are times when you have a lot
Speaker 2: of love to give and you just might need to
Speaker 2: do a little bit of work, right, That's what you
Speaker 2: coach couples on.
Speaker 3: That's right, and it's it's it's.
Speaker 2: Listen, listen more or you know, everybody's different, especially in
Speaker 2: a couple. But when there is a time, and I
Speaker 2: have experienced it, because listen, I've been divorced and that
Speaker 2: is one of the hardest things that I've ever gone
Speaker 2: through in my life. Anybody that has ever gone through
Speaker 2: a divorce, you have been in pain and you have
Speaker 2: overcome it, and it is there's no way around it.
Speaker 2: You literally have to go through the storm of that relationship.
Speaker 2: And there is a time, and I do believe it was.
Speaker 2: We gave it a really good run. Married for almost
Speaker 2: twenty years, and we gave it a really good run.
Speaker 2: We're friends now, so no harm, no foul. It was painful.
Speaker 2: But the one thing about it is we didn't have kids,
Speaker 2: and I have had sisters that have gone through divorce
Speaker 2: with kids, and there's nothing like pain like that. And
Speaker 2: it's it's hard because you have to co parent with
Speaker 2: this person. And it's probably why I never did have kids,
Speaker 2: because I saw how hard it was for some of
Speaker 2: my sisters and many of my friends. And when you
Speaker 2: have like, for instance, Halloween is coming up, a lot
Speaker 2: of people are doing Halloween stuff this weekend and certainly
Speaker 2: next weekend. But you know, sometimes one of the parents
Speaker 2: gets the child and you get to see the Halloween
Speaker 2: costume on social media or texts?
Speaker 1: Right right?
Speaker 2: How hard is that and how how challenging is it
Speaker 2: to have to co parent? But I want to know
Speaker 2: what are what are parents doing that are in this
Speaker 2: situation that they're doing right in co parenting?
Speaker 1: Right right?
Speaker 3: What would be something that.
Speaker 2: That you would tell your couples if they had decided
Speaker 2: that they were gonna split up, right and they've got kids,
Speaker 2: And what would be one advice that you would give
Speaker 2: them to say, all right, well, you.
Speaker 1: Never want to put the kid in the middle. You
Speaker 1: don't want to create a loyalty conflict. So I say
Speaker 1: that that there needs to be an alternating schedule. You
Speaker 1: need to stick to your parenting plan. But I also
Speaker 1: would would say, is there is it possible that you
Speaker 1: all can share holidays together? Is it possible that that
Speaker 1: we could coach you all to where you could be
Speaker 1: in a place where you could do what's best for
Speaker 1: your child and and actually share the holidays. There are
Speaker 1: some couples that do that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I and eventually they got there on my side
Speaker 2: of the family, Like, eventually they did get there and
Speaker 2: it was great and it is great today. What have
Speaker 2: you found that is working in your co parenting relationship?
Speaker 2: Five one, three, seven, four ninety seven thousand, one eight
Speaker 2: hundred The Big One. We want this to be interactive.
Speaker 2: It is a fun call in relationship show, but we
Speaker 2: also want to get to the heart of some of
Speaker 2: this stuff and make a difference, because if we can
Speaker 2: do something positive and make somebody's life better, Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: an intention that we have to do on this show.
Speaker 3: We want to have fun and we want to talk
Speaker 3: about some silly stuff too.
Speaker 2: But you know, when you think about how many people
Speaker 2: have to go through co parenting and blended families, and
Speaker 2: now people have ex husbands and new husbands and families
Speaker 2: from You really have to figure out what works best
Speaker 2: for the children or the children. And I don't know
Speaker 2: that kids, you know, they're trick or treaty. They just
Speaker 2: want to have fun. It's more difficult sometimes for the
Speaker 2: parents and the extended family like the aunties and the
Speaker 2: uncles out there that want to see their nieces and
Speaker 2: nephews on on Halloween and see their cue costumes and
Speaker 2: stuff like that.
Speaker 3: And it's not always going to be the case.
Speaker 1: No, you got to do a lot of emotional work
Speaker 1: on yourself to be able to not put that on
Speaker 1: your kid. So you need to be able to talk
Speaker 1: to someone about your emotions. You don't want to make
Speaker 1: your kid feel guilty that they weren't with you during
Speaker 1: the holiday, right, So that's very important.
Speaker 2: That is a really good point. So how do you
Speaker 2: how do you not make the kids feel guilty? How
Speaker 2: do you do that?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 1: I would avoid saying things like, man, I really wish
Speaker 1: I could have been there with you, yes, or you know,
Speaker 1: men must your mom must have she really lucked out
Speaker 1: this year having you right, comments like that that it
Speaker 1: puts the case in the middle.
Speaker 2: Right, So, and also avoid name calling your parents. Don't ever,
Speaker 2: don't ever keep a solid front. See, even if you
Speaker 2: don't get along with your ex, right, it's really important
Speaker 2: to make sure that that kid, your child, doesn't hear
Speaker 2: the negative stuff between you.
Speaker 1: That's right, Right, that's the most destructive. It's when the
Speaker 1: kids put in the middle. Is what research shows is
Speaker 1: the most destructive part of divorce for kids is when
Speaker 1: they are the messenger. Oh boy, so there you know,
Speaker 1: you're you're asking your kid for information about what's going
Speaker 1: on with the other parent, or the parents can't talk
Speaker 1: to each other, and so the one parent will say, hey,
Speaker 1: when you're with your dad, make sure you tell them X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z. Right, make sure you do that for me.
Speaker 1: It's it just it puts them in a parental position.
Speaker 2: Tell them he's got to pay for your school, right shoes?
Speaker 2: And yeah, yeah, that that does get a little tricky.
Speaker 3: That's probably not the best way.
Speaker 2: There's a movie that I saw that was probably one
Speaker 2: of the worst divorce cases with involving the child. It
Speaker 2: was called Irreconcilable Differences, and Shelley Long and Ryan O'Neill
Speaker 2: and Young Lil Drew Barrymore, and what she did was
Speaker 2: she took her parents to court because she couldn't stand
Speaker 2: the bickering anymore in the back and forth and they
Speaker 2: were literally a tug of war at the end where
Speaker 2: she was like, I want to go live with their housekeeper.
Speaker 3: She wanted to live with the housekeeper.
Speaker 2: And it was such a crazy movie that you know,
Speaker 2: put a huge spotlight on how bad it could get
Speaker 2: and involving the kids so much that she took their
Speaker 2: parents to court.
Speaker 1: And she won and she went to live with her.
Speaker 2: But they learned a big in the end, they learned
Speaker 2: a very big valuable lesson, like, neither one of us
Speaker 2: have our daughter now because she doesn't want to be
Speaker 2: with either one of us because we were so we
Speaker 2: just handled things so badly.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: And sometimes when you're in the you can't see the
Speaker 2: forest through the trees because you're in it, and you
Speaker 2: don't sometimes realize how challenging it can be for the kids.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's you got to do your own work,
Speaker 1: so you don't make your kid do the work for you.
Speaker 1: You got to really do your own work.
Speaker 2: I've won three seven four nine, seven thousand. What's working
Speaker 2: with co parenting with you, right, what have you done
Speaker 2: that's going right? I mean in the end, with many
Speaker 2: of the relationships as they have aged and gotten wiser.
Speaker 2: In terms of some of my friends and family members
Speaker 2: that have gone through this, we've gotten wiser all of
Speaker 2: us together, And like, okay, I could have done this differently,
Speaker 2: But hindsight is twenty twenty, right, So you can only
Speaker 2: do what you're capable of, right, But there were things
Speaker 2: that I know that you know, my sister would have
Speaker 2: done differently, absolutely looking back and now how much that
Speaker 2: that she's learned and grown from and everybody's friends and
Speaker 2: and that kind of stuff. It's it's important to put
Speaker 2: the focus on the child, but it's also important to
Speaker 2: put the focus on yourself. So that if there's bitterness,
Speaker 2: if there's anger, if there's resentment that happens to all
Speaker 2: of us that have gone through a divorce or a
Speaker 2: breakup in any way, shape or form, there's gonna be
Speaker 2: stuff in there, residual stuff, right, So if you can
Speaker 2: look at and take responsibility for, I mean, if you're
Speaker 2: if you're going through a breakup, The best advice I
Speaker 2: ever heard was put your health first.
Speaker 3: Take care of yourself.
Speaker 2: Because if you're working out, you're eating right, you're sleeping well,
Speaker 2: and you're taking care of yourself, and you're putting yourself
Speaker 2: a priority, you love yourself, right, and if you love
Speaker 2: yourself and you're taking care of yourself, only good things
Speaker 2: can happen from there, and then maybe the resentment and
Speaker 2: all the other stuff melts away a little bit.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, that's really great advice. You got it. You
Speaker 1: gotta love yourself. You have to.
Speaker 2: I'm sure it's important because if you don't, who is
Speaker 2: going to do that?
Speaker 1: That's right, you have to. Literally.
Speaker 2: I love Mel Robbins. She has a great podcast, and
Speaker 2: you know, as silly as this sounds, as silly as
Speaker 2: it sounds, she literally wakes up in the morning and
Speaker 2: she gives herself a high five in the mirror. Right,
Speaker 2: She's like, I got you. I am I am the
Speaker 2: best friend I was looking for. I am the mother
Speaker 2: I wanted. I am the father I wanted, I want,
Speaker 2: I am the child I wanted.
Speaker 1: I got you.
Speaker 3: I'm going to take care of you.
Speaker 2: And when you have your back like that, you're not
Speaker 2: going to allow anybody else to.
Speaker 1: Not have your back, right, that's right. I love that.
Speaker 1: You got to give.
Speaker 2: Yourself a high five, and then well that's Mel Robbins.
Speaker 2: I mean she's great. She has that great book called
Speaker 2: Let Them, which I still not read, but so many
Speaker 2: of my friends love it.
Speaker 3: Okay, so we got to take a break Saturday night.
Speaker 3: This is so fun.
Speaker 2: We're going to get into quite a few things, including
Speaker 2: how we talked about wisdom and as you get older,
Speaker 2: love after fifty and how great that can be. We
Speaker 2: we'll get into that in a minute. Saturday Night, Donna
Speaker 2: D Doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. I love this song,
Speaker 2: Pearl Jam. It's such a fun surfer song. Donna D
Speaker 2: with Doctor Wes on Saturday Night. It's already in the
Speaker 2: ten o'clock hour. We want this show to be interactive.
Speaker 2: Five one, three, seven, four, nine, seven thousand. We have
Speaker 2: a licensed marriage family therapist with us tonight, doctor West.
Speaker 2: So if you have something that you want to ask
Speaker 2: him while he's here, please feel free to call in.
Speaker 3: If you've never called.
Speaker 2: Into a radio show, it can be very fun and
Speaker 2: be a little scary, but tonight's the night that maybe
Speaker 2: you change something and you ask a question or you
Speaker 2: comment on what we were talking about and I was
Speaker 2: telling you off air.
Speaker 3: I saw this video of.
Speaker 2: It was on an It was an Instagram video and
Speaker 2: this guy was interviewing they were at Costco, right, And
Speaker 2: this guy was interviewing all these guys at Costco and
Speaker 2: he said, on a zero to one to ten, what
Speaker 2: is your how how much do you love going to
Speaker 2: Costco with your wife?
Speaker 1: One to ten?
Speaker 2: And I think nine out of ten guys picked zero.
Speaker 2: Like somebody said, what's negative? What's more negative than zero?
Speaker 1: Right? Nobody?
Speaker 2: None of those guys wanted to be there, So I
Speaker 2: don't understand why they would go to Costco if they
Speaker 2: did not want to go. I mean, couldn't Is it
Speaker 2: so bad to tell your wife for your spouse that
Speaker 2: you don't want to do something? What are the repercussions?
Speaker 2: Why don't Why aren't they honest? That's the last thing
Speaker 2: I want to do is go to Costco with you.
Speaker 2: I would have no problem if a guy said that
Speaker 2: to me. I do not want to go to Costco.
Speaker 2: We're there for two I don't like that anyway. I mean,
Speaker 2: I whatever it is, Costco, Walmart, you but fill fill
Speaker 2: in the blank of you know, women like doing it.
Speaker 2: I guess men don't want to go with their wives.
Speaker 2: What is that about.
Speaker 1: Wes Well, it it could be a number of things.
Speaker 1: It could be they don't want to get criticized. They
Speaker 1: don't want to get into an argument. They don't want
Speaker 1: it to have to be defensive. They also, you know,
Speaker 1: I think that it's about keeping score. We've talked about that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and and they don't want that to get thrown up
Speaker 1: in their face, that they that they are not. It
Speaker 1: didn't help out It didn't help out right, that they're not.
Speaker 1: They're not carrying their weight. That that. I think it's
Speaker 1: it's to prevent an argument on a.
Speaker 2: Okay, so if and I agree with you, I think
Speaker 2: that's probably the main reason is to prevent an argument.
Speaker 2: But if I said, if I said to you, I
Speaker 2: don't want to go to Costco, or I don't want
Speaker 2: to go to the store fill in the blank of
Speaker 2: any store I don't want to go. I will do
Speaker 2: the dishes, I'll vacuum, I'll make make it up to
Speaker 2: you in some way, But that going to a store
Speaker 2: and being in there for two hours is.
Speaker 1: Not my thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean the level of guys that said zero
Speaker 2: sure on that list, why are they there?
Speaker 1: They're there because I think it's about a transactional relationship.
Speaker 1: I think that if for them, if I do this
Speaker 1: for my wife, well then there has to be something
Speaker 1: coming back for me in some way. Well, I get it.
Speaker 2: We all have to make sacrifices transactional. I don't necessarily,
Speaker 2: you know, want to take the trash out or do
Speaker 2: other things. We all make sacrifices to do that. But
Speaker 2: if it's a zero.
Speaker 1: On the list of one to ten, you would be hooved.
Speaker 2: I would rather go by myself, you know, I'd rather
Speaker 2: go by myself than have, you know, my partner, my husband,
Speaker 2: my boyfriend, whatever, be miserable being there.
Speaker 1: Well, they're gonna end upetting into an argument anyway.
Speaker 3: Well, men and women, couples, couples argue.
Speaker 2: Let's be honest, like, there's always going to be some
Speaker 2: fighting that happens in a couple.
Speaker 3: I mean, but what are you fighting for? Is the
Speaker 3: is the answer.
Speaker 2: It's not just because you don't want to go shopping
Speaker 2: with your partner.
Speaker 1: It's not that.
Speaker 2: So what what? Why are they doing it? And what
Speaker 2: are they fighting for? Five one, three, seven, four, nine,
Speaker 2: seven eight hundred The big one?
Speaker 3: Why are you? What are you fighting for? In your relationship?
Speaker 2: Because if if it's too you need to come with
Speaker 2: me to the store so that we can get all
Speaker 2: this stuff and I need help bringing it in when
Speaker 2: I would be perfectly fine to do that on my own.
Speaker 1: Right, if I if if.
Speaker 2: As long as you're not miserable around me, that's the worst.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's nothing's more worse than that is. If
Speaker 2: you're miserable.
Speaker 1: Around me, then then I.
Speaker 3: Want you to do something else, right? Is that fair
Speaker 3: to say?
Speaker 1: That is very fair to say. Yeah, And I would
Speaker 1: rather couples be that honest with each other, you.
Speaker 2: Know, because you can There's always going to be chores,
Speaker 2: there's always going to be things to do that you
Speaker 2: can make it up.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Let me see, we do have some callers on here.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna let Joe screen those for a minute.
Speaker 2: Five one, three, seven, four, nine, seven thousand. Oh, I'm
Speaker 2: sorry we didn't get you. But we want to know
Speaker 2: what are you fighting for in your relationship? Because when
Speaker 2: you say I wish you'd pick up your shoes because
Speaker 2: they're all I'm always stepping over it? What would that
Speaker 2: mean in another way? Because you're you're fighting, but there's
Speaker 2: always some form of fighting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's the meaning behind the what's a message?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: Right? So I'm always having to you never pick up
Speaker 1: your shoes. I'm always having to step over your shoes.
Speaker 1: That's a complaint. Instead of making a request, would you
Speaker 1: be willing to pick up your shoes for me? Because
Speaker 1: I feel love?
Speaker 2: But is it disrespect exactly? It's yeah, it's about love
Speaker 2: and respect. Let's go to Josh real quick and pleasant Ridge. Josh,
Speaker 2: what are you fighting for in your relationship? Oh?
Speaker 6: I was calling about Costco?
Speaker 1: Oh please tell me.
Speaker 6: I'm not going to talk about my marriage. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 6: I work for Costco. I don't see a lot of
Speaker 6: people fighting. I've seen it. You guys didn't mention the
Speaker 6: one thing that I.
Speaker 1: Think men don't want to go to Costco.
Speaker 6: With their spouse as you spend a lot of money
Speaker 6: at Costco. There's a lot of stuff you don't need.
Speaker 6: You can go for one thing and you come back
Speaker 6: with ten, and you go to spend one hundred and
Speaker 6: you spend four or five.
Speaker 2: Okay, so you think the real reason, uh huh is
Speaker 2: that that they don't want to spend that much money
Speaker 2: because when you go to a store.
Speaker 6: Like that, yeah, that are more apt to get the
Speaker 6: thing you don't really need, but it's nice, and it's
Speaker 6: you know, you don't really realize what you got til
Speaker 6: you check out and it's six hundred bucks.
Speaker 2: So but isn't that the reason why you go to
Speaker 2: a store like that is to buy bulk items? And
Speaker 2: because that's the reason why I think somebody would want
Speaker 2: their partner to go with them, like you got to
Speaker 2: carry all this stuff in the car, and it's they're
Speaker 2: not fighting. The The guy was asking them, basically, one
Speaker 2: out of ten, how how how much do you want
Speaker 2: to be here with your wife? And all of them
Speaker 2: said zero, every single one of them said zero. But
Speaker 2: and I think it's just shopping in general. It really
Speaker 2: isn't just about one store, right Josh?
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, I would say the smartest Costco shoppers don't
Speaker 6: even grab a car. You go in and grab whatever
Speaker 6: you need in your house. But I don't know, I mean,
Speaker 6: how much shopping do you do that's not online? I
Speaker 6: mean we have everything delivered Amazon?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Everything?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2: Thanks so much, Halloween Costumes, have a good night, Josh,
Speaker 2: thank you so much. Let's go to Matt and Cincinnati. Matt, Hi,
Speaker 2: you're on with Donnade and doctor West.
Speaker 7: Hey, how are you guys tonight?
Speaker 1: Good.
Speaker 7: I just had a little I wanted to share in
Speaker 7: epiphany that I had at the end of a long
Speaker 7: toxic relationship that really made sense to me and clicked home.
Speaker 7: I kind of sought my girlfriend's approval, like, you know,
Speaker 7: if you if you would just do this or that,
Speaker 7: then I would be happy. Well, one day she just
Speaker 7: laid it out to me plain a day and she said,
Speaker 7: you know, I'm not responsible for your happiness. And I'll
Speaker 7: tell you what. That really hit me like a of
Speaker 7: bricks and I really changed my way of thinking about
Speaker 7: things and that that really is true. You know, you
Speaker 7: can't look for somebody else to do different for you
Speaker 7: to be happy. You have to be happy with yourself
Speaker 7: and whatever they're doing in order to you know, be
Speaker 7: happy with your situation. That really really made a difference
Speaker 7: in my life.
Speaker 2: I love that, And you know she's right because it's
Speaker 2: not it's not her job to make you happy, but
Speaker 2: there but happiness can come from your relationship. You can
Speaker 2: be happy with somebody, but it's not up to the
Speaker 2: other person.
Speaker 3: Doctor West to agree with Matt.
Speaker 1: I do I do? I agree? That would hit me too,
Speaker 1: and I just can't rely on it.
Speaker 2: Yes, and I and I feel like a lot of
Speaker 2: people need to need to understand that even when you know,
Speaker 2: when you get married. I remember my husband saying on
Speaker 2: our wedding night, you know, in front of we had
Speaker 2: a big, pretty big wedding, two hundred people, and I
Speaker 2: remember him standing up and giving me a toast, a
Speaker 2: toast to me, and he said, I'm going to make
Speaker 2: her the happiest person that in her life. And I
Speaker 2: remember thinking, oh sweet. But I thought back then, that's
Speaker 2: not your responsibility. It's not I have to make myself,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 7: That was that was the issue that I had with it,
Speaker 7: because that's what I always sought to do, you know,
Speaker 7: that was my always goal. So it was hard for
Speaker 7: me to come to terms with that. You can't always
Speaker 7: expect that. You have to lower your expectations. You know,
Speaker 7: if you're a giver, then you have to lower your
Speaker 7: expectations on what you're going to get back.
Speaker 6: It's just a fact.
Speaker 1: That is a funny way to put it back. You
Speaker 1: got to lower your expectations.
Speaker 2: So you're okay, I don't necessarily know if if if
Speaker 2: lowering your expectations is what you need to do. But understanding, well,
Speaker 2: that right, Matt, like to maybe match to maybe match
Speaker 2: what's your what you what you're willing to give.
Speaker 7: You can't always expect that match in return, That's all.
Speaker 1: That's what I was saying.
Speaker 2: No, no, And I absolutely agree with you on that
Speaker 2: because if they always say you give to the person
Speaker 2: what you are, and that's what you're going to get
Speaker 2: like a mirror. So if you're somebody that doesn't give
Speaker 2: unconditional love, then you're not going to get that from
Speaker 2: your partner either.
Speaker 7: Absolutely absolutely, Matt. So yeah, I just want to share
Speaker 7: that with you guys. I love I love the segment.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it so much. Thanks and call again because
Speaker 2: you're a great caller.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 7: Matt.
Speaker 2: Oh, by the way, Matt, you know what, that's my
Speaker 2: ex husband's name is Matt Well.
Speaker 1: Is that funny?
Speaker 2: When I saw that from Cincinnati because that's where I
Speaker 2: met him and that's his name. Thank you, thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you so doctor Wes. How big of a point
Speaker 2: was that that he just made. It's not up to
Speaker 2: somebody else to make us happy.
Speaker 1: That's right. We have to get that internal validation from ourselves.
Speaker 1: And how do we do that. That's through our self talk.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because a lot of people can be we all,
Speaker 2: I mean, I will put myself included in this. We
Speaker 2: all can be really hard on ourselves. I mean, and
Speaker 2: sometimes you don't even know that you're doing it until
Speaker 2: you wake up from that mind maze, chatter of the ego,
Speaker 2: just talking talk and talk and talk and talk and
Speaker 2: talking and being real negative. So how do you pull
Speaker 2: yourself out of that funk? You're aware the self talk, right,
Speaker 2: and then you change the dialogue.
Speaker 1: You change the dialogue. Yeah, I tell my clients put
Speaker 1: your thoughts on trial. What's the evidence for the thought?
Speaker 1: What's the evidence against the thought?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 2: So you're saying, is this really real that I'm thinking
Speaker 2: or is it just something that's fear crept in and
Speaker 2: it's causing a disruption?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Just because you feel like something's true doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it's true.
Speaker 2: Right, Right, And we were talking about this about loneliness
Speaker 2: versus comparison.
Speaker 1: Right, You may not be.
Speaker 2: Lonely, you might just be comparing yourself to other people's lives.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: So you know, right now, I'm single for the first
Speaker 2: time in a long time, and I see a lot
Speaker 2: of my friends and family that are you know, with
Speaker 2: really really solid relationships and kids and and everything else.
Speaker 2: And so if I compare myself my life right now,
Speaker 2: it could look on the surface lonely right because I'm
Speaker 2: I'm single for the first time in a long time.
Speaker 3: But I chose that.
Speaker 2: And I also understand that because people are with somebody
Speaker 2: doesn't mean they don't have their issues. I can tell
Speaker 2: you that I there was a time in my life
Speaker 2: I was married and I was sleeping in the bed
Speaker 2: with my husband and I've never felt so lonely in
Speaker 2: my life ever, and he was laying right next to me.
Speaker 2: And I've been more alive and content with myself with
Speaker 2: where I am right now than I ever did feeling
Speaker 2: that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so powerful.
Speaker 2: It's it's it's real people go through. I mean, I
Speaker 2: don't care if you're if you're married and you have
Speaker 2: ten kids and you have a house full of stuff,
Speaker 2: you can be lonely in that situation.
Speaker 1: It happens to people, it does, it does. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you're when you're when you're single.
Speaker 2: And you're alone physically, that you're lonely right right. And
Speaker 2: so if you have that mental self talk that can
Speaker 2: get negative. You can view it that way, and then
Speaker 2: things get real scary.
Speaker 1: They do, right, they do, And then that's a self
Speaker 1: fulfilling prophecy, right, because the fear just feeds more fear
Speaker 1: based thinking, and then it's a feedback loop. Then you
Speaker 1: just continue becoming more and more depressed and anxious.
Speaker 2: And yeah, so when we are in these feedback loops
Speaker 2: and you get anxious and depressed, and you can kind
Speaker 2: of get into a funk. Oh right, I have a
Speaker 2: friend who's going through something right now that's I would
Speaker 2: call a funky place, right, And there are times where
Speaker 2: you know, you can pull yourself out of it quickly
Speaker 2: or you can live in that for quite a while.
Speaker 3: How do you pull yourself out of a funk?
Speaker 2: Because and I said this the other day to her too,
Speaker 2: I said, when when you're healthy, you have a million problems.
Speaker 2: When you're sick, you have one problem you have you So,
Speaker 2: in other words, taking care of your health and being
Speaker 2: healthy is the number one thing everyone should be grateful for.
Speaker 1: Because if you.
Speaker 3: Don't have that, you you know it's it. Life can get.
Speaker 2: Tough, right, So all the other stuff we can fix,
Speaker 2: all the other stuff, the self talk and working out,
Speaker 2: nutrition and sleeping well is going to be a really
Speaker 2: good thing. Let's go to Joe. Let's go to Joe
Speaker 2: and Lexington real quick. Oh Joe, I'm so sorry. I
Speaker 2: just missed your call. But how else would you pull
Speaker 2: yourself out of hunt knowing of your self talk, being
Speaker 2: aware of it.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: Joe.
Speaker 2: Here you are, Hey Joe from Lexington. You're on with
Speaker 2: Donna Dean, doctor Wes. What's up?
Speaker 8: Oh yeah, I just want to comment on women don't
Speaker 8: like the shop. But I don't know me uh, I
Speaker 8: think that for a lot of guys, it's like maybe
Speaker 8: that's the only time them in their lives spend time together.
Speaker 8: And it's like me, it's kind of I'd rather spend
Speaker 8: time with you, taking up to dinner, you know, going
Speaker 8: on a trip, going on a hike, you know, go fishing,
Speaker 8: do you know, do something. I think for a lot
Speaker 8: of guys, it's like maybe they're depressed cause that's the
Speaker 8: only time we spend time together. It's kind of a
Speaker 8: monumental waste time. I could be home cleaning out together,
Speaker 8: hoing out the garden, working on the house.
Speaker 6: Feeding the dog.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 8: I mean, I don't mind to go shopping, but I
Speaker 8: don't know, maybe that's it.
Speaker 2: No, So, Joe, would you would you prefer to go
Speaker 2: by yourself instead of with your lady?
Speaker 8: Oh no, it wouldn't bother me at all to go
Speaker 8: with with with my wife. I wouldn't care to go.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you would just basically, is this the only
Speaker 2: time that we're going to spend together is shopping because
Speaker 2: I'd rather do other things? Yeah?
Speaker 8: Yeah, I mean I think that might be such a
Speaker 8: negativity of why guys don't like the shop me. It
Speaker 8: wouldn't make a difference if you want me to go, fine,
Speaker 8: but I mean if someone hurts her feelings, I'll go.
Speaker 8: I don't care about it. But I'd rather, you know,
Speaker 8: stay there and clean and.
Speaker 1: Clean up the gothers is pretty intense.
Speaker 8: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you want to go
Speaker 8: out and spend time together, you know, let's let's.
Speaker 2: Go up, let's go there, let's go play golf, let's
Speaker 2: go for a height.
Speaker 1: I love that, Joe. How long have you been married?
Speaker 8: About? Twelve years?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, uh yeah, yeah, it's uh but you know,
Speaker 8: I mean, my wife it's kind of like it's kind
Speaker 8: of crazy. I mean, she nothing affects her. And we
Speaker 8: got hit by a tornado a couple of years ago,
Speaker 8: and I'm standing there with a bar and gone, a
Speaker 8: roof gone, the transformer land across from my truck, part
Speaker 8: of the other house, you know, the roofs torn And
Speaker 8: she pulls in and she looks and she's, well, you know,
Speaker 8: I'm kind of distraught, kind of in shock. And she says, well,
Speaker 8: we can just clean up and rebuild, and she goes
Speaker 8: then mix makes herself a cup of tea. You know nothing, Yeah,
Speaker 8: do you love?
Speaker 3: Is that the main thing that you love about her?
Speaker 2: As she stays calm and weathering literally the storm.
Speaker 8: Now what I love her about her?
Speaker 1: She never talks about people.
Speaker 8: You know, the whole time I've I've been with her,
Speaker 8: she hasn't had one negative word to say about anybody.
Speaker 6: Man.
Speaker 8: That's yeah, I am not that person. I fall way short.
Speaker 1: Of that, you know.
Speaker 8: I mean, I don't see how she does that, don't
Speaker 8: I never question it. But but you know, it's not
Speaker 8: like I talk about people. But you know, sometimes something
Speaker 8: makes me irritated, you know, But yeah, I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 8: but that is.
Speaker 2: Definitely something to love about someone. I absolutely love that,
Speaker 2: and I have never heard that before.
Speaker 3: I have never heard a man say.
Speaker 2: What I love about my wife most is that she
Speaker 2: doesn't talk about other people. She's never had a bad
Speaker 2: word to say about somebody.
Speaker 1: Isn't that great?
Speaker 9: Yeah?
Speaker 8: I'm lift and never gets mad Harley, I mean, I've
Speaker 8: never really seen her upset.
Speaker 1: I yeah, I.
Speaker 8: Mean I just wish I could be half of that.
Speaker 8: That'd be all right anyway.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Joe appreciate it.
Speaker 2: So I really feel like we need to open the
Speaker 2: phone lines and we're gonna have to get going here
Speaker 2: in a minute seven four nine five one three seven
Speaker 2: four nine, seven thousand. What is the best thing about
Speaker 2: your spouse? What do you love most about them? Considering
Speaker 2: Joe just came up with something amazing. Donna D Doctor
Speaker 2: Wes Saturday Night News and Weather and Traffic up next
Speaker 2: on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati OO Saturday Night Donna D
Speaker 2: with Doctor West doing a little different thing on WLW.
Speaker 2: We're talking relationships. I've been calling it relationship radio, and
Speaker 2: we just had a great that his name is Joe,
Speaker 2: and he said the best thing about his wife she
Speaker 2: doesn't say a bad word about anyone.
Speaker 3: He's never heard her gossip.
Speaker 2: He's never heard her say a bad word about That's
Speaker 2: something to be admired. I don't think that I've ever
Speaker 2: heard that before. I mean, I try and be positive,
Speaker 2: but yeah.
Speaker 1: Sometimes people annoy me.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be the you know, I work with
Speaker 3: Stirling all the times.
Speaker 2: No, but I mean, what a great thing to say
Speaker 2: about somebody You've never heard her say a bad word.
Speaker 2: So the question where were we asked right before the
Speaker 2: break is what is the best thing about your spouse?
Speaker 2: Five one, three, seven, four ninety seven thousand and one,
Speaker 2: eight hundred the big one. I have a new Instagram
Speaker 2: relationship Radio Donna d so please join me on that again.
Speaker 2: We want this to be interactive. What is the best
Speaker 2: thing about your spouse? What do you like most or
Speaker 2: even what made you fall in love with your spouse?
Speaker 3: And is that still burning within?
Speaker 2: I can tell you, doctor West, because you know, I'm
Speaker 2: kind of an open book. And I was married for
Speaker 2: you know, almost twenty years. And one of the best
Speaker 2: things about my ex husband is he was fun He
Speaker 2: was funny, laughed a lot, we were both. He taught
Speaker 2: me how to play guitar, so he's a musician, a
Speaker 2: great musician. And we used to play music all the
Speaker 2: time together. In fact, we still send each other videos
Speaker 2: of songs we used to play all the time.
Speaker 3: And so I would say that was the best thing.
Speaker 2: And probably the thing that I miss most about him
Speaker 2: is the way we used to play music together, sing
Speaker 2: and we even played out when we were in when
Speaker 2: when I lived in la we played out as a duo.
Speaker 2: So what is the best thing about your spouse? Five one, three, seven, four, nine,
Speaker 2: seven thousand, one eight hundred. The big one, the thing
Speaker 2: about turning that I mean, we've talked a little bit
Speaker 2: about how hard it is. You know, can whether a
Speaker 2: relationship is going to work. The four horsemen, whether it's
Speaker 2: contempt or defensiveness or stone walling or what am I missing?
Speaker 3: Criticism? Right, those are the four horsemen.
Speaker 2: So flip it around and look at the positive things
Speaker 2: about the person you're with. And is that because the
Speaker 2: last time we were on air, which was a couple
Speaker 2: of weeks ago, one of the things you tell your
Speaker 2: your couples that you counsel is to give them a
Speaker 2: little homework, you said, and one of the things is
Speaker 2: what is the best thing that they did in the day,
Speaker 2: and then come back and report to you on the
Speaker 2: next session, like pick something out during the day that
Speaker 2: their spouse had done right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, And so why do you tell them to
Speaker 3: do that?
Speaker 1: Because it forces their brain to go into a positive,
Speaker 1: what's working mindset, right, instead of being so negative and
Speaker 1: focusing on what's wrong all the time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you look for the good instead of always
Speaker 2: looking for the bad.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: And how often does that work with your couples? And
Speaker 2: do they come back and tell you they do.
Speaker 1: They take it serious, and they do find things that
Speaker 1: they really appreciate about each other, and it does create
Speaker 1: positive momentum. They'll say that they had a better week,
Speaker 1: they were less critical of each other because they were
Speaker 1: focused on what it's worked.
Speaker 3: One thing.
Speaker 2: Oh man, it's amazing because you know, I've learned years
Speaker 2: and years and years ago to do a gratitude journal,
Speaker 2: and it really does work. I write it at least
Speaker 2: five things that I'm grateful for every single day.
Speaker 1: I get up and do that in the morning, and.
Speaker 2: I feel different when I don't do it because just writing.
Speaker 3: Those things out, and sometimes it's difficult for me to
Speaker 3: just limit it to five.
Speaker 2: Because the more you start focusing on positive things, the
Speaker 2: more you have reason, the more things you'll find, and
Speaker 2: then the more reason you will have to be grateful for.
Speaker 2: Like I'll sit on my couch and I'll open my
Speaker 2: window and I'll hear birds chirping, so I'll be grateful
Speaker 2: for the birds singing in the morning, or I'll grateful
Speaker 2: for hot cup of tea in the morning or something
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 3: And there's so many things.
Speaker 2: When you turn your focus on looking for the positive,
Speaker 2: whether it's in yourself or in your spouse, or in
Speaker 2: your sister or your mom or your dad or anything
Speaker 2: like that, you really can find them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can. You can. And it's a mind it's
Speaker 1: a mind shift. So that that's a good practice for you, Donna,
Speaker 1: is that you're doing that every morning, and I think
Speaker 1: with consistency, you can start to retrain your brain to
Speaker 1: start to see those positive aspects about each other.
Speaker 2: So when you're when you're and you've counseled you know,
Speaker 2: thousands of couples and you pretty much been doing this
Speaker 2: for over ten years, do you ask them when you're
Speaker 2: sitting on the couch and they're, you know, in sometimes
Speaker 2: very dark positions, do you ask them what is the
Speaker 2: best thing about can you name something good. So even
Speaker 2: if it, you have to get the bad stuff out too.
Speaker 2: You have to communicate that. But can you disrupt some
Speaker 2: of that and ask what are they doing?
Speaker 1: Right? Do you do that? I do that? I do that.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll say, how are you all keeping this from
Speaker 1: getting worse? What's something that you're doing that's helping it
Speaker 1: not get worse? Because sometimes it's hard for them to
Speaker 1: come up with something good. So I just roll with
Speaker 1: it and I'll say, all right, well, then what are
Speaker 1: you doing to keep it from from really getting bad?
Speaker 1: And that will then cause them to remember things they're
Speaker 1: doing for each other.
Speaker 2: Okay, So are there times where couples say I don't
Speaker 2: have anything good to say?
Speaker 1: Yeah? For sure, Yeah, wow, yeah, Yeah, that happens. And
Speaker 1: they're usually so stuck in the four horsemen, the criticism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness,
Speaker 1: they've just stopped talking. Sometimes I've had couples say that
Speaker 1: they look forward to therapy because it is the only
Speaker 1: hour they talk to their spouse the entire week. Wow.
Speaker 2: And I have to think if you're at that point
Speaker 2: in a relationship, you just don't feel heard and just
Speaker 2: talking to somebody about some of the issues that you have.
Speaker 2: Just kind of feeling heard is important, but how you
Speaker 2: communicate that is really important because you know, if I'm
Speaker 2: sitting in couples therapy and my partner doesn't speak to me,
Speaker 2: but then I hear all these things that he says
Speaker 2: to the therapist that he cannot communicate to me directly,
Speaker 2: that would be hard to drive home.
Speaker 3: Yeah, out of that therapy office. Do you see that?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And I have them I say, don't tell me,
Speaker 1: tell your partner. Try and look at your partner and
Speaker 1: just say that to them, don't talk to me about it.
Speaker 1: And so I have them look at each other on
Speaker 1: the couch. Sometimes they'll say, that's too hard for me
Speaker 1: to look at them in the eye right now. That's
Speaker 1: too hard for me to say that to them.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: So I'll say, okay, well, then talk through me for
Speaker 1: right now.
Speaker 2: Okay, And so how does the other person handle that,
Speaker 2: because that would be really hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they are very they're hurt, and then I have
Speaker 1: to spend time processing with them. They're hurt and their
Speaker 1: sadness and they're maybe they lost hope in that moment.
Speaker 1: So it is a back and forth where I'm basically
Speaker 1: they're at that point I've got people in two different places,
Speaker 1: and so I'm having to kind of, you know, attend
Speaker 1: to them wherever they are.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of them is hurt and one
Speaker 2: of them's angry, right, one of them, I mean and
Speaker 2: and and it does happen. So what would be the
Speaker 2: advice you would give to somebody that's going through something
Speaker 2: like this in their relationship. They have a lot to say,
Speaker 2: but they don't feel comfortable saying it to their partner.
Speaker 2: Would they write something down?
Speaker 1: Yeah? They journal if they can. If they can journal it,
Speaker 1: if they can get their thoughts out on paper, that
Speaker 1: will at least help them to feel that they're valid
Speaker 1: that there.
Speaker 2: Would you ever suggest texting or emailing your partners so
Speaker 2: that they can read it instead of instead of like
Speaker 2: being defensive about it.
Speaker 1: Does that work? That can work? Emails can work. I
Speaker 1: often will say, write a letter and then bring it
Speaker 1: to therapy and let's read it. Read it here in
Speaker 1: the therapy session with me in the room. That way
Speaker 1: I can help. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So would you say your job for couples that
Speaker 2: are in that kind of trauma just facilitating any kind
Speaker 2: of communication at that point.
Speaker 1: Right, Usually it's they have learned to trust me, so
Speaker 1: I'm their safety net. They can start to through me.
Speaker 1: They know I've got their back. Yeah, they know I've
Speaker 1: got them.
Speaker 2: You're there to help, You're there not to criticize or judge,
Speaker 2: or you're there to support. And that is really really
Speaker 2: important to feel like, Okay, I can say a few
Speaker 2: things without somebody screaming at me or trying to defend themselves.
Speaker 2: That is that is important. So how important do you think,
Speaker 2: because there's maybe some stigma about therapy still, I mean,
Speaker 2: and how important is it? And and maybe not waiting
Speaker 2: to get to the point of the real trauma that
Speaker 2: you see couples in when they come and see you.
Speaker 2: How important it is to get a jump on that
Speaker 2: before it gets to be that bad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I recommend premiure, I recommend premierital. I recommend if
Speaker 1: you're not getting if you're just cohabitating, go to therapy
Speaker 1: before you have problems. It should be like any other
Speaker 1: you know, checkup you have, like a six month checkup
Speaker 1: or a you know, a three month checkup with your doctor.
Speaker 1: You should go in and do a pre get ahead
Speaker 1: of it proactively. It's a lot easier to correct problems
Speaker 1: at that point.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can learn how to communicate with each other.
Speaker 2: That's that's a skill that a lot of people think.
Speaker 2: It's always so funny to me when when you know somebody,
Speaker 2: you'll say to me, relationships should be easy.
Speaker 1: They're not. They're hard work.
Speaker 3: It's the relationship thing is not that easy.
Speaker 2: And the more skills that you have in terms of
Speaker 2: being able to communicate with and it's not just marriages, partners,
Speaker 2: and it's not just that it's mom and daughter, it's sisters,
Speaker 2: it's fathers and sons. It's those types of relationships that
Speaker 2: you know, if you can take out being offended, which
Speaker 2: I think stops all kinds of communication. If you were
Speaker 2: to say something to me and I was offended by it,
Speaker 2: that would be hard to communicate with me. Like, how
Speaker 2: hard would it be to come and talk to me
Speaker 2: again if I'm offended and think you're just just dismiss
Speaker 2: everything that you've said because that's not me. Yeah, you're
Speaker 2: looking at me in the wrong light.
Speaker 1: Right, it shuts it completely down.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So with tools to say, Okay, i'm feeling this
Speaker 2: energy because you just said some weird stuff about me,
Speaker 2: and I'm feeling that energy, let me just sit back
Speaker 2: and take a breath so that I can maybe even
Speaker 2: go walk outside for five minutes so that I can
Speaker 2: come back in and listen to what you have to say,
Speaker 2: because I know you have something that that that's bothering
Speaker 2: you and I want to hear it.
Speaker 1: Most couples don't do what you just said, though, they
Speaker 1: don't ever come back to it. They'll just sweep it
Speaker 1: under the rug.
Speaker 2: But then you get a giant mohill under or a
Speaker 2: mountain under that rug you do, and then it gets
Speaker 2: harder to look at. It gets harder to look at,
Speaker 2: I mean, and that and that comes with again, any relationships.
Speaker 2: I mean, I was just visiting a friend of mine
Speaker 2: and she and her mom kind of they've always been good,
Speaker 2: but they still do argue, and they still have things
Speaker 2: that they have to work out. My friend has done
Speaker 2: a ton of work on herself, so she's able to
Speaker 2: communicate fairly well. But you can see there's there's things
Speaker 2: that they just decide, Okay, let's never talk about that.
Speaker 2: Politics is one of them. Politics is one and uh,
Speaker 2: and so they just decide, okay, you we just cannot
Speaker 2: talk politics.
Speaker 1: Is that?
Speaker 2: Is that something you would suggest if there's a topic
Speaker 2: that always comes up, and there's always an argument just
Speaker 2: to say let's not go there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the relationship is more important than than that.
Speaker 2: Any one thing. Yeah right, Okay, So we're gonna come back.
Speaker 1: We're gonna we're.
Speaker 2: Gonna talk about love in a in in later years,
Speaker 2: which is gonna be a really fun topic and I
Speaker 2: am excited to go into that. So Donna d Doctor Wes,
Speaker 2: it has been so fun. Please make sure you're calling
Speaker 2: us five one, three, seven, four, nine, seven thousand. We'll
Speaker 2: be right back with with love in later years and
Speaker 2: how fun that can be on seven hundred WLW Cincinnati.
Speaker 3: It's always such.
Speaker 2: A fun time of year, Halloween and then we're it's
Speaker 2: getting chilly here in Cincinnati, beautiful time.
Speaker 1: I love the holidays.
Speaker 2: So this is like some of my favorite favorite times
Speaker 2: to be in Cincinnati all the way up to I
Speaker 2: think January and then and then it's like, uh, Donna
Speaker 2: Dee with doctor Wes, we're talking about relationships today. We
Speaker 2: have had some great callers and we always want you
Speaker 2: to call in and be a part of the show.
Speaker 2: Five one, three, seven, four nine seven thousand, even if
Speaker 2: you have just a question that doesn't relate to the
Speaker 2: topics that we're talking about. We do have doctor Wes
Speaker 2: who's an LMFT licensed Marriage Family therapist, and he's here
Speaker 2: to help guide us and support us.
Speaker 3: This is what you do, doctor Wes.
Speaker 2: You counsel couples all the time, and it's important to
Speaker 2: understand how important it is to be able to communicate
Speaker 2: with one another. Correct, Yes, absolutely, it is. Yeah, communication
Speaker 2: is is very important, and it's it has to start
Speaker 2: from within your ability to be vulnerable with yourself really
Speaker 2: and to be able to have the courage to bring
Speaker 2: up what you're feeling. But that requires a sense of
Speaker 2: security and safety in a relationship. Yeah, and being vulnerable
Speaker 2: like oh man, I because sometimes when you're in a relationship,
Speaker 2: you can feel your absolute worst and most insecure. And
Speaker 2: if you can't go and talk to your partner about it,
Speaker 2: if you can't open up and be vulnerable and talk
Speaker 2: to your partner about it, who are you going to like?
Speaker 2: There will be you know, you can talk to a
Speaker 2: therapist and I think that's always really good. And then
Speaker 2: certainly your closest friends. I can't do it without my
Speaker 2: women friends. I can't. I cannot have I can't. I
Speaker 2: am not a good communicator if I don't have my
Speaker 2: women friends hang and let's get a let's get a
Speaker 2: call real quick. Jim, we're talking about couples slang. Jim
Speaker 2: from Fairfield, what do you have to say on this
Speaker 2: topic about counseling with couples.
Speaker 9: Well, my wife and I we did couples counseling, and
Speaker 9: but the first couple of times when we got back
Speaker 9: in the cars, he was uptight because she felt like
Speaker 9: the therapist was a quote unquote on my side, you know,
Speaker 9: and and and you know, yeah, and I know your
Speaker 9: guys a couple therapists. But really where we we started
Speaker 9: making progress when we started, when we got away from
Speaker 9: the couple's part and we started doing individual therapy because
Speaker 9: for me at least, it got the ego out of
Speaker 9: the way where when she would say something, I didn't
Speaker 9: want her to make me look.
Speaker 1: Bad in front of the therapist.
Speaker 9: And when we started, when we started working on ourselves
Speaker 9: individually and our perception, you know, working on it separately
Speaker 9: without the you know, the like the embarrassment of looking bad,
Speaker 9: we started doing a lot better. And then the other
Speaker 9: thing that I found that all of our kids are
Speaker 9: gone now right and I'm sixty.
Speaker 1: My wife's fifty two.
Speaker 9: And you know what, one of our big without the kids,
Speaker 9: when it's just us, it's way easier. You know, we
Speaker 9: raise four children, and you know, when we were in therapy,
Speaker 9: we had we had children, and man, you know, they're
Speaker 9: just trying to have relationships with your children also with
Speaker 9: your wife at the same time as a lot. But
Speaker 9: now when I just can focus on her, me and
Speaker 9: her and we're doing we do way better well.
Speaker 8: Man.
Speaker 3: So those are two good things, right.
Speaker 2: So I thought you were going to say something different,
Speaker 2: Jim about the empty nester and you don't have any
Speaker 2: anything to talk to your wife about.
Speaker 3: So you surprised me.
Speaker 2: On that saying we get along way better and the
Speaker 2: kids are out of the house and we can focus
Speaker 2: on each other. What an amazing thing too, because I
Speaker 2: know a lot of couples that I've talked about it.
Speaker 2: I was on with Eddie and Rocky, and that was
Speaker 2: one thing that Rocky said, what happens when your kids
Speaker 2: are going? I know, this is a big fear with
Speaker 2: what if we don't have anything in common anymore because
Speaker 2: the kids were our main focus during the relationship and
Speaker 2: it's so.
Speaker 9: Well, you know what I did, Yeah, you know what
Speaker 9: I had to do. Is you know, it's all we'll
Speaker 9: just call them a mentor. But I had to when
Speaker 9: we first got when I had to make a list
Speaker 9: of things to talk with her about because we were
Speaker 9: so frantic with the kids, like simple stuff like what's
Speaker 9: your what was your favorite favorite subject in high school?
Speaker 1: I never asked her.
Speaker 9: You know, there was a million a million things that
Speaker 9: I didn't really know because we were in the frenzy
Speaker 9: of tried to raise four kids and we didn't have
Speaker 9: time for that. Man, and I just I just made
Speaker 9: a list. And you know now, I look, I'm on
Speaker 9: my way home from a gig. I'm a musician.
Speaker 1: I can't wait to get home, you know. I mean,
Speaker 1: it would do way better just me and her. I
Speaker 1: love it.
Speaker 2: And you're smart make a list of things to ask
Speaker 2: her because yeah, you forget to do that, is he
Speaker 2: and and and and doctor West please talk to about
Speaker 2: what Jim said about guy could be embarrassed and like
Speaker 2: feel humiliated if the wife is calling him out and stuff,
Speaker 2: and how important it was to do so.
Speaker 1: I recommend individual therapy all the time for that for
Speaker 1: that reason.
Speaker 2: Because and Jim, you put it in such a great
Speaker 2: way that you know you you didn't. I wouldn't even
Speaker 2: have thought of like maybe being embarrassed that she's saying
Speaker 2: some of the things he's doing wrong. I wouldn't have
Speaker 2: thought of that. I'm sure you see that a lot though.
Speaker 9: Yeah, and the egos get the ego rises, even though
Speaker 9: it's supposed to be I mean, I know, and I
Speaker 9: know of course that it's you know that the therapist
Speaker 9: is not going to walk around talk about it, but
Speaker 9: it's still when it's in front of another person, it
Speaker 9: just it just it feels like a shot at you.
Speaker 9: Even if it's just a statement. You know, you feel
Speaker 9: like you're not doing it right. I'm doing it. I'm
Speaker 9: I'm doing it wrong, and she's tattling on me in
Speaker 9: front of this guy.
Speaker 1: You know. So I didn't like that. I did. I
Speaker 1: did a lot. We did a lot better when we
Speaker 1: got it.
Speaker 9: Sought individual therapy, and we didn't have to do it
Speaker 9: very much maybe, you know, I think we did about
Speaker 9: four visits each and then then I felt like we
Speaker 9: got back on the right track.
Speaker 2: You know, man, that is so great. Whose idea was
Speaker 2: it Jim to go to therapy? Was it your wife
Speaker 2: or was it a mutual?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 9: It was my wife's and so you know, it was
Speaker 9: my wife's idea. And I'm like, the only reason I'm
Speaker 9: so brave and laughing right now is because he's not
Speaker 9: in the car with me.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 9: Yeah, but I did find it hilarious that, you know,
Speaker 9: the issues that came up in our first couple of sessions.
Speaker 9: You know, it did kind of feel like the therapist
Speaker 9: was on my side a little bit, which was awesome
Speaker 9: for me, but not so awesome for her. I almost
Speaker 9: felt like we made we got back in the car.
Speaker 9: She was a mad or at me afterwards then she
Speaker 9: was before we went.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I always this is going to sound a
Speaker 2: little bit different, but I was on a morning show
Speaker 2: and my co host used to always get in trouble
Speaker 2: by the program director, and so I would feel so
Speaker 2: bad for him and I would go, oh, oh, don't
Speaker 2: don't get mad at Jesse, and he would go, thank you.
Speaker 1: Sir, may have another like he literally kept kept these.
Speaker 2: He handled it well, but like in the other room,
Speaker 2: he would say, he's always on me, He's always this.
Speaker 2: And I actually felt that did you feel bad for
Speaker 2: your wife?
Speaker 1: If?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 9: I did, because you know, man, I don't mind telling
Speaker 9: you since it's the radio. But I'm in recovery, so
Speaker 9: I already had kind of a already had my own
Speaker 9: kind of therapy going on anyway, you know.
Speaker 1: It's the twelve steps and all that stuff.
Speaker 9: So I wanted it. I really did kind of wanted
Speaker 9: to go her way. And when it didn't, like, I
Speaker 9: did feel bad, you know, So I felt a little
Speaker 9: bit guilty.
Speaker 1: But you know that's the way it is, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean, we're doing great now. And now that we
Speaker 1: got the.
Speaker 9: Damn kids out of out of the equation, we're doing
Speaker 9: much better. Other little guys earlier, they're all in college now.
Speaker 9: So now that just me and her, we're rocking it.
Speaker 9: I mean, I also before I hang up, yeah, I
Speaker 9: love the programming. We're not talking about sports or politics.
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 2: I know it's a nice change.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Jack, thank you very much.
Speaker 2: And I will tell you your authenticity just really comes
Speaker 2: through and I appreciate you so much. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: What So, two great points there. If it's not working
Speaker 2: as a couple, right and you know it, like he said,
Speaker 2: four or five visits for each of them, they both
Speaker 2: decided that they were going to go on their own.
Speaker 2: If it's not working, would you suggest they go on
Speaker 2: their own and then do you ever.
Speaker 3: Have them come back again? Okay, how does that work?
Speaker 1: Yeah? So we just reintegrate, or we integrate what they
Speaker 1: learned in their individual sessions into their couple dynamic. So
Speaker 1: what have you learned in each of your sessions and
Speaker 1: how can that help you create a brand new cycle
Speaker 1: of interaction in your marriage?
Speaker 2: Like he said, and I really did not even consider
Speaker 2: the idea of someone being embarrassed about Tadlin like she's
Speaker 2: you know, and that could be hard, That could be
Speaker 2: very hard. Like he, you know, got mad at me
Speaker 2: the other day and said this horrible thing, and and
Speaker 2: she told on him, and then that could almost feel
Speaker 2: like a violation, Right, So how do you get past that?
Speaker 2: You go on, you go and do your own until
Speaker 2: you can both hear it from each other.
Speaker 1: Is that what it is? That's what it is. So
Speaker 1: oh my gosh.
Speaker 2: And then the other thing he just said, which was
Speaker 2: so great, that was my favorite call to night.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Jim.
Speaker 2: When he talked about how because I know this is
Speaker 2: a very big fear for couples is when the kids leave,
Speaker 2: what are.
Speaker 3: We going to have to talk about? What are we
Speaker 3: going to do?
Speaker 2: I'm I have a very close friend that was devastated
Speaker 2: when her kids left, and and I'm like, well, your
Speaker 2: husband's still there.
Speaker 1: I don't care. I want my kids back.
Speaker 2: And so his take on that was ouch so refreshed.
Speaker 2: I just hit my elbow so kind of it's such
Speaker 2: a new take on that very painful subject of what
Speaker 2: do we do when the kids that he actually enjoys it,
Speaker 2: and not only that, but that he's doing things in
Speaker 2: the right direction of like writing things down and asking
Speaker 2: her questions.
Speaker 1: What did you what did you major in high school?
Speaker 1: I never knew that. Yeah, yeah, And that's what we
Speaker 1: would call love maps, doctor John Gotman would call love maps.
Speaker 1: And so you could just research that on your own
Speaker 1: if you're interested in that. But there's also also a
Speaker 1: New York Times article the fifty Ways People Fall or
Speaker 1: fifty questions to help You fall in love. That's another
Speaker 1: good one that I recommend a couples too. Just give
Speaker 1: some good questions to ask you fifty questions. Say that again,
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, fifty questions to fall in love. The
Speaker 1: New York Times article, Oh I'm sorry, it's thirty six questions.
Speaker 1: Thirty six questions that lead to love. Yeah, you can
Speaker 1: just google that.
Speaker 3: Me give me what do you have one pulled up?
Speaker 1: Yeah, given the choice of anyone in the world, whom
Speaker 1: would you want as your dinner guest? Would you like
Speaker 1: to be famous? That's another question? Uh, these sound like bumble? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do they sound like bumble?
Speaker 8: Well?
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe? Maybe I am new to a dating app.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about let's go there, Wes, because I am
Speaker 2: new to, you know, a dating app.
Speaker 3: Prior to that, I had never been.
Speaker 2: But I have very good friends and family members that
Speaker 2: met literally the love of their life on on on
Speaker 2: bumble or you know, one of the one of the
Speaker 2: dating apps. Right, So you know I'm newly single and
Speaker 2: obviously I'm trying it and a lot of am icy
Speaker 2: empty nester looking for long term relation of that kind
Speaker 2: of stuff. So I see that on there. But some
Speaker 2: of those questions dinner days, who would you have?
Speaker 1: Those are? Maybe they looked at the because it give
Speaker 1: me another one. Let me say, I'll just closed it out,
Speaker 1: let me pull it up.
Speaker 2: Okay, So what what dinner guest? I think I've answered
Speaker 2: that before too. Somebody's thing Because you know, as much
Speaker 2: as people don't want to admit, and there's this funny, funny,
Speaker 2: funny guy that I mean, I swiped right on him
Speaker 2: just because of this one funny thing he said, because
Speaker 2: he goes, I'm willing to lie about how we met,
Speaker 2: which is hilarious because top secretly, right, everybody feels like
Speaker 2: dating apps are there's their taboo and they're for desperate people.
Speaker 1: But that's the way we date now.
Speaker 2: It's the way we find people is because everybody is
Speaker 2: on them and and and that's how you meet people
Speaker 2: now with all everything digital, we stay home and we're
Speaker 2: on dating apps. Sometimes it's nice to go out and
Speaker 2: meet people in the real world, and I still do.
Speaker 2: But everybody is on dating apps and there's nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with it.
Speaker 3: Nothing. Do you agree? What you pulled it up was that?
Speaker 1: Yeah? What would constitute a perfect day for you? Okay,
Speaker 1: when did you last sing to yourself? Sing?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that would be right before I got on air?
Speaker 1: Yeah? For what in your life? Do you feel most grateful?
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, the list is long. My health is
Speaker 2: always number one. My health is always number one? Am
Speaker 2: I supposed to be answering these? What are you most
Speaker 2: grateful for? Doctor Wes?
Speaker 1: Definitely health.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's got to be number one because, like I said,
Speaker 2: if when you're healthy, you have a million problems, right right,
Speaker 2: This is the quote I've just recently adapted. And when
Speaker 2: you're sick or you have a health issue, you have
Speaker 2: one problem.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so health is always going to be I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: I was going to pick up this call and they
Speaker 2: just dropped it because I really love our listeners from
Speaker 2: Fairfield was so every one of our listeners were so
Speaker 2: great tonight five one, three, seven, four ninety seven thousand.
Speaker 2: If you have a comment on anything that we spoke about,
Speaker 2: or even have a question, we have one more segment
Speaker 2: after this. It's already almost eleven thirty Doctor West. This
Speaker 2: time flies when we're going through this relationship show, and
Speaker 2: it is very different that we're doing this on WLW.
Speaker 2: As Jim said, it is normally sports, you know, and
Speaker 2: and and politics and things like that.
Speaker 3: Those are important things to talk about.
Speaker 2: Streling and I still do a weekend show together, which
Speaker 2: I love, and ours is somewhat music related and topical
Speaker 2: stuff that we talk about and have fun with. But
Speaker 2: this is really based around relationships and those things that
Speaker 2: are that we're all going through, and we're all going
Speaker 2: through something, whether it's you know, breakups, divorce, which is
Speaker 2: always very hard. New loves like new loves, and we
Speaker 2: were talking about this new loves later on in life
Speaker 2: and how fun that can be. You should never ever
Speaker 2: give up on love. I just read that John Travolta,
Speaker 2: who is seventy five years old, is now dating Kristin Davis,
Speaker 2: who is sixty one. She's from Sex and the City.
Speaker 2: She was Charlotte from Sex and the City. And they're
Speaker 2: in love. And his wife, you know, many people know,
Speaker 2: Kelly Preston died, so he was a widow widower and
Speaker 2: to find love at seventy five and they look so
Speaker 2: cute together and they're so happy.
Speaker 1: It's amazing.
Speaker 2: Another one, Robin Wright, married in divorce three times. She
Speaker 2: was married to Sean Penn and otherwise. She's almost sixty
Speaker 2: and she thought, oh, I'm probably going to be alone
Speaker 2: for the rest of my life. And she found love
Speaker 2: and she has a new boyfriend who's an architect, and
Speaker 2: they're great. So we've got another gym. This is so funny.
Speaker 2: We have so many gems on the call today. Jim
Speaker 2: James James from Amelia. Jim, how are you doing tonight?
Speaker 4: Hey, guys love you, I mean guys, but you know
Speaker 4: what I mean.
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 2: I absolutely you can call me guys, and we're I
Speaker 2: just realized we're up against time.
Speaker 3: What what can what? What do you have to add?
Speaker 4: I was just saying that when our son to join
Speaker 4: the army and what to Afghanistan and he had to
Speaker 4: come back. But that was when we broke up. It
Speaker 4: was like when the you know, when the kid laughed
Speaker 4: and then he really left. It was like a big
Speaker 4: deal and it was I understand what you guys were
Speaker 4: saying about all that stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so and and and Jim, thank you for the call,
Speaker 2: and please call back on the next segment because I
Speaker 2: want to hear from you about that. It is important
Speaker 2: to understand that not always, it doesn't always go well
Speaker 2: for everybody. We all have our own different circumstances on
Speaker 2: how our relationships work and things like that. Just because
Speaker 2: the other the previous gym, it worked that when his
Speaker 2: kids left, he was able to focus on his relationship.
Speaker 2: It does not always go that way. So we've got
Speaker 2: to take a quick break. That's how we pay the bills,
Speaker 2: and we're gonna come back and talk about why you
Speaker 2: should never give up on love and doctor Wes is
Speaker 2: going to give three things to bring more love into
Speaker 2: your life. That's coming back, Donna D Doctor West, Saturday Night,
Speaker 2: seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: I can't believe this is our last break of the night.
Speaker 2: It's been so great being with you, Doctor West. Donna
Speaker 2: d Doctor Wes. We're doing our relationship radio stuff and
Speaker 2: it's been really important to dive into some of these
Speaker 2: matters of the heart, especially when we're talking about breakups
Speaker 2: and how important it is for couples therapy because and
Speaker 2: just like our last caller, Jim from Fairfield was so
Speaker 2: great and how we understood that when his life suggested
Speaker 2: to go to therapy and they went as a couple
Speaker 2: and she was, you know, revealing some some some things,
Speaker 2: some issues that she's had with him, and he felt
Speaker 2: like she was tattling us.
Speaker 1: That's right, that can happen, and then.
Speaker 2: She felt like the therapist was on his side, so
Speaker 2: she felt horrible after the therapy session.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: And they decided to go their own way and in
Speaker 2: terms of therapy and go one on one sessions instead
Speaker 2: of the couple. And he said, we went four or
Speaker 2: five times and and that's all they needed to get
Speaker 2: themselves back on track.
Speaker 1: And that is amazing. Yeah, it is, and that will
Speaker 1: happen where couples will I actually tell my couples that
Speaker 1: sometimes it may sound like I'm on the side of
Speaker 1: one of you, but I'm actually on the side of
Speaker 1: the relationship. The relationship is my client.
Speaker 2: And how amazing is it right to find this renewed love?
Speaker 2: For if you're in a long term relationship, you do
Speaker 2: a couple of things, a little tweaks here and there,
Speaker 2: You go through the stuff that's hard, and you look
Speaker 2: at yourself and take personal responsibility so that you're able
Speaker 2: to listen to your partner.
Speaker 3: And then you find, like Jim was saying, how.
Speaker 2: Great his marriage is now, they're totally on track. It
Speaker 2: took four or five individual sessions and they're doing great.
Speaker 2: And I feel like it's the same thing about when
Speaker 2: you find love later on in life too. Like I
Speaker 2: told you, we were talking about John Travolta, who had
Speaker 2: that devastating loss of his wife, Kelly Preston. She had
Speaker 2: cancer and passed away, and he's been single ever since.
Speaker 2: And now he's dating sixty one year old Kristin Davis
Speaker 2: from Sex and the city, he's seventy five and they
Speaker 2: found love again. You don't ever want to give up
Speaker 2: on love, right, And that's really important whether you're in
Speaker 2: a long term relationship and you have some really good
Speaker 2: bones in the relationship, you have really good structure, and
Speaker 2: you just figure out how to communicate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think couples, some couples give up too soon.
Speaker 2: And the grass isn't always greener by the way. I
Speaker 2: mean loving somebody later on in life. There's so many
Speaker 2: good things about it, right because you've been there, you've
Speaker 2: been in relationships, and you've loved and lost, and you've
Speaker 2: learned a lot, so you're a lot wiser going into
Speaker 2: a relationship.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Also things that that nitpicking stuff Like I look at
Speaker 2: some of the things that used to drive me nuts
Speaker 2: with my ex husband, no big deal.
Speaker 3: I'd look at him now and say, it wasn't that
Speaker 3: big of a deal. Why would I get so bothered
Speaker 3: by it?
Speaker 2: So as you, as you age and you evolve, and
Speaker 2: you get to a point where that used to bother me,
Speaker 2: it doesn't bother me at all anymore, right, And so
Speaker 2: you hopefully we do as we age that you get
Speaker 2: wiser and you evolve, you do in your relationships and
Speaker 2: within yourself. Like one of the things my twin sister
Speaker 2: and I always talk about is like, let's not get
Speaker 2: bothered by stuff anymore, right, Let's just try and.
Speaker 3: Get over that.
Speaker 2: I mean, we spend hours on the phone sometimes, so
Speaker 2: I'm like, are you eating again on the phone or
Speaker 2: you doing the dishes?
Speaker 3: Are you putting your dishes? It's so loud.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: We try, we really try, and we'll put each other
Speaker 2: on mute oftentimes because we just stay on the phone
Speaker 2: for hours and.
Speaker 3: We have to do some things while we're on the phone.
Speaker 2: So we just try and have so much patience with
Speaker 2: each other, and it's such a better way to go.
Speaker 2: So we've got a few minutes, and I want to
Speaker 2: talk about three things doctor Wes that you can do
Speaker 2: to bring more love in your life. Right, So I want,
Speaker 2: I always want to leave the show with some positive
Speaker 2: energy and some things that we can all take away,
Speaker 2: Like if we were talking to you in your in
Speaker 2: your office and we're there to get some counseling and
Speaker 2: things like that, how can because you see, sometimes as
Speaker 2: you get older, some people are more get off my lawn,
Speaker 2: you know, and grumpy, and it's hard to live that way.
Speaker 2: It is so hard to be grumpy about things, and
Speaker 2: you can change that, Yes, you can change that by
Speaker 2: bringing more love into your life. So so with that
Speaker 2: being said, three things that we can do to bring
Speaker 2: more love into our life.
Speaker 1: Well, number one would be to be more loving to
Speaker 1: yourself and others.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, so to be more loving to myself and
Speaker 2: to others.
Speaker 1: So that means.
Speaker 2: Taking care of myself, gratitude journal, which helps me to
Speaker 2: be more loving to myself, learning where I'm bothered by something,
Speaker 2: and then trying to change that, address that, look at it,
Speaker 2: become aware of it, and then trying that's more loving
Speaker 2: because I am I'm so much happier when I'm not bothered.
Speaker 1: Yeah, even when.
Speaker 2: Like a friend of mine, we were talking about this,
Speaker 2: she goes out with a friend of hers and she's
Speaker 2: always arguing with the waitress, or there's you know, some
Speaker 2: server that's done something, or you know, traffic is always
Speaker 2: I mean we all have issues with traffic sometimes.
Speaker 3: But when you don't get bothered.
Speaker 2: By that kind of stuff, you really feel more in
Speaker 2: control and you're like, man, look at how much I've evolved.
Speaker 2: I remember in one of those I used to be
Speaker 2: a part of this program called Seat of the Soul,
Speaker 2: and it was all about authentic power. And one of
Speaker 2: the questions we had was, how did you deal with
Speaker 2: a difficult situation before and how do you deal with
Speaker 2: it now? Right? And I remember thinking when I was
Speaker 2: getting upset with my my husband, my ex, I said,
Speaker 2: this is gonna sound so bad and so childish.
Speaker 3: But I used to walk up the stairs.
Speaker 1: And I used to stop my feet.
Speaker 2: Oh, he's gonna know I'm pissed, right right, He's gonna
Speaker 2: know I'm mad, passive, aggressive, Huh right, I'm just like
Speaker 2: I didn't know any bod I just thought, I'm mad
Speaker 2: and everyone's gonna feel it.
Speaker 1: I'm just going to fill up the room with it.
Speaker 2: And then I really saw how much I had evolved
Speaker 2: from the work that I had been doing two years
Speaker 2: in and now I would go and sit quietly and
Speaker 2: breathe and take responsibility for my own energy because nobody
Speaker 2: can make me feel a certain way, right, That's right?
Speaker 1: That is true. Yeah, that no one can make you feel.
Speaker 2: They have to have permission from me in order to
Speaker 2: feel a certain way. So if I'm angry and I
Speaker 2: blame you for it, that doesn't really make sense. Okay,
Speaker 2: what's number two? What's another way?
Speaker 1: So number two would be get out of your comfort zone,
Speaker 1: picking up new habits, right, doing something every day that
Speaker 1: gets you out of your comfort zone.
Speaker 2: So if you want to bring more love into your life,
Speaker 2: because there is a ceiling that we all have, so
Speaker 2: and you can call it happiness or love or whatever,
Speaker 2: there's a ceiling that we have that is a comfort
Speaker 2: It's more of a comforting thing, how comfortable. That's the
Speaker 2: ceiling of how we allow ourselves to be happy is
Speaker 2: the ceiling. So if you get comfortable with being uncomfortable,
Speaker 2: you raise that happiness ceiling or that love ceiling.
Speaker 3: Right, So that's really good.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: So give me some examples of doing something different, like
Speaker 2: what do you.
Speaker 1: Mean well, changing your daily routine, daily habits. So getting
Speaker 1: out of your comfort zone could be, you know, confronting
Speaker 1: a fear that you have.
Speaker 3: Okay, So let's say.
Speaker 2: I played tennis my whole life in the past ten years.
Speaker 2: I haven't picked up a racket, so then going and
Speaker 2: joining a racket club would be a fun, cool new thing,
Speaker 2: and I'd beat a ton of people and then I'd
Speaker 2: feel proud of myself and love myself for going out
Speaker 2: of my comfort zone to do something different.
Speaker 1: That's right, Okay, I love that. Okay.
Speaker 2: So third thing that we can do to bring more
Speaker 2: love and or happiness into your life is.
Speaker 1: What call the people in your life and make bids
Speaker 1: for connection.
Speaker 3: Okay, this is a big one. I love this one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, as nobody picks up the phone anymore, no, right,
Speaker 2: I mean it's texting or email. So when somebody call,
Speaker 2: and I've been doing this lately, so I got to
Speaker 2: give myself some props a pat on the back.
Speaker 1: Oh good, Okay, because.
Speaker 2: When somebody calls me, if if I'm busy, I'll just
Speaker 2: send it to voicemail or send a text and say
Speaker 2: I'll call you back. But I've been picking up the
Speaker 2: phone because they want to talk to me. If somebody
Speaker 2: is calling me, they want to talk to me. So
Speaker 2: even if I'm busy, I will hear their voice, they'll
Speaker 2: hear mine. They know I care about them enough to
Speaker 2: pick up the phone, and I'll say I don't have
Speaker 2: time to talk right now, let's schedule it for later.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I love that because you're acknowledging you're accepting
Speaker 1: their bid for connection. You're acknowledging. You're acknowledging their emotional
Speaker 1: their emotional bid for a connection with you. You're validating it,
Speaker 1: and you're setting the intention to come back to it.
Speaker 2: And you know what, doctor West who like Because I
Speaker 2: work during the day and I'm on calls and zooms
Speaker 2: all the time. So I used to even there's a slight, slight,
Speaker 2: slight part of me that would get annoyed if somebody
Speaker 2: called me, I'm like, oh, I just don't have time
Speaker 2: for this. But now I look at anybody that calls
Speaker 2: me or sends me a text or sends me an email.
Speaker 2: I'm grateful for somebody that cares enough that wants to
Speaker 2: talk to me and cares enough that sends me a text,
Speaker 2: And every single time I use it as an alert
Speaker 2: to be grateful for the people in my life.
Speaker 1: That's great. I love that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that too. That's a new awakening.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's awesome. That was really good. Those they're your three.
Speaker 2: But I love all those things because it's never I
Speaker 2: feel like we have so much more potential to give
Speaker 2: and receive love to our starting with ourselves. So the
Speaker 2: kinder that I am with the people in my life,
Speaker 2: then kindness is what I'm giving, and that's what I'm
Speaker 2: going to receive. Love is what I'm giving, So that's
Speaker 2: what I will receive. Yeah, and if I'm irritated, guess
Speaker 2: what I'm gonna get irritation or if I'm angry or
Speaker 2: get off my lawn woman where I'm like, you know,
Speaker 2: don't I'm bothered by something.
Speaker 3: Those bothered things are not a good look.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know.
Speaker 2: So, so working on giving what I want to receive
Speaker 2: is going to provide you know that It's like a mirror, right.
Speaker 1: I've often said that relationships are like a mirror. So
Speaker 1: if if.
Speaker 2: If you want, if you're in a relationship right now,
Speaker 2: doctor Wes, and there's something that you're not getting, you
Speaker 2: should be giving, that's right.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So if somebody feels alone and not seen or not heard,
Speaker 2: maybe they're not picking up the phone when someone calls,
Speaker 2: that's right.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm just getting I'm putting this all together.
Speaker 2: The light bulbs are going off, right, So it's almost
Speaker 2: like who said it, be the change you want to see, gandhi, right,
Speaker 2: be the change you want to see, Be the change
Speaker 2: you want to see in your relationships.
Speaker 1: Start with just tiny little things.
Speaker 2: If you want to BackRub, or you want a foot massage,
Speaker 2: or you want to hug, go give it. That's right,
Speaker 2: and then maybe someone will say, oh, that was so nice.
Speaker 2: I want to Or if you're not getting respect or
Speaker 2: the respect that you feel like you deserve, maybe that's
Speaker 2: what you're withholding from your partner.
Speaker 3: So it all comes back.
Speaker 2: It all as stems from you know me, you, It
Speaker 2: always stems with the eye in the relationship. It's not
Speaker 2: what my partner is not giving me so much, right,
Speaker 2: it's what I'm not giving out.
Speaker 1: And to myself. Yes, that's exactly right.
Speaker 2: So I do want to touch because we have one
Speaker 2: more minute here on on how important counseling is because
Speaker 2: we're even we're getting it as we're talking.
Speaker 3: That's why it's important.
Speaker 2: Communication is everything, right, It is how how you figure
Speaker 2: stuff out.
Speaker 3: We can't do it alone. We have to do it
Speaker 3: with our partners in this life.
Speaker 2: So if you could recommend if somebody doesn't want to
Speaker 2: go to therapy, what should they start doing journaling or what?
Speaker 1: Yeah, journaling reading blogs like the Gotman blog is a
Speaker 1: really good one. Doctor John Gottman. Psychology Today dot Com
Speaker 1: has some really good blogs on it.
Speaker 2: Even even there's some really good podcasts and certainly relationship
Speaker 2: radio shows like this one seven hundred WLW, which is
Speaker 2: Saturday nights now nine to midnight, which I'm very very
Speaker 2: excited about.
Speaker 3: I can talk about this stuff forever.
Speaker 2: I really nothing fires me up more than being able
Speaker 2: to talk about how we can all live and thrive
Speaker 2: with one another, because can you imagine doing this on
Speaker 2: your own? You can't do it. No, So another great show.
Speaker 2: Thank you joshor Ross for coming in, Thanks for having
Speaker 2: me and I appreciate it. Thank you for all of
Speaker 2: our callers today. Our listeners are the best of the best.
Speaker 2: We're going to be back next Saturday, nine to midnight,
Speaker 2: right here on this most amazing session. Go Bengals. We
Speaker 2: should get a win tomorrow one o'clock at pay Corps,
Speaker 2: and we really should win that game. I think I
Speaker 2: may have to even put on that.
Speaker 1: We're gonna win. Come on, we're gonna do that. Go Bangles.
Speaker 2: We'll see you next Saturday on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,