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Speaker 1: And so this is the final part of our four

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Speaker 1: part series called the Tongue Series. Pastor Chad, good morning,

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Speaker 1: how are you today?

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Speaker 2: Good morning, I'm doing well. How about yourself, I'm.

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Speaker 1: Doing great, doing great. Let's bring everybody up to speed

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Speaker 1: through the first three parts of this four part series

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Speaker 1: in case they have missed it. Let's start with number one.

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Speaker 2: Sure, we talked about the basic how do you keep

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Speaker 2: your tongue out of your mouth? You realize that your

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Speaker 2: tongue is a well and that when you're talking, it's

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Speaker 2: drawing like a well, an old wishing well, kind of

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Speaker 2: from the water deep within your heart. So if instead

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Speaker 2: of working on your tongue, find out what's the condition

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Speaker 2: of your heart these days? Now? Are you too tired?

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Speaker 2: Are you bitter? Are you angry? How do I deal

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Speaker 2: with the stuff underneath before I deal with what's coming out.

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Speaker 2: Then we talked about how your tongue can be a

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Speaker 2: source of life or death, and when you walk into

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Speaker 2: a room, you have an opportunity to bring the life

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Speaker 2: into that room where you have a chance to bring

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Speaker 2: decay things that fall apart into from the last week,

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Speaker 2: we talked about a puzzle you might want to think

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Speaker 2: about how you speak is does this fit the right situation?

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Speaker 2: Does it fit the right tone that I'm using for

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Speaker 2: the circumstance. Those are the first three weeks, and then

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Speaker 2: this week I'd like to talk about the tongue as

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Speaker 2: a tool, and that's the tool often that is underutilized

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Speaker 2: for good. I don't know if you're into puzzles much,

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Speaker 2: but we talked about puzzles last week. My brother and

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Speaker 2: my grandpy still loved him puzzles. I did too. Well.

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Speaker 2: My brother did want to do all the hard work

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Speaker 2: of sitting there for hours. So what he would do

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Speaker 2: is he would grab one piece, hide it in his pocket,

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Speaker 2: and just go and do whatever he really wanted to do.

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Speaker 2: For an hour and a half, we would fish the puzzle,

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Speaker 2: and then it was so frustrating all that time, like

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Speaker 2: where's the last piece. My brother then dart up the stairs,

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Speaker 2: pull it out of his pocket and put the final

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Speaker 2: piece in. He was so proud of himself that he

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Speaker 2: got to do the most coveted moment, and I was

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Speaker 2: always so frustrated and angry. But if you think about

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Speaker 2: your tongue as a chance to put the final puzzle piece,

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Speaker 2: it might be the chance to put that piece in

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Speaker 2: place that brings reconciliation. Somebody has a really bad day,

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Speaker 2: your chance is to put that the last puzzle piece,

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Speaker 2: kind of where we ended last week. Just because you

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Speaker 2: think about the tool or the tongue is often underutilized

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Speaker 2: for good. We often think about what we did or

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Speaker 2: what we said that was wrong. So what do we

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Speaker 2: didn't say that was right? When it comes to saying

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Speaker 2: the wrong thing, that's obvious to see. You know, I got,

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Speaker 2: you know, daily examples of the way I did the

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Speaker 2: wrong thing, And so there is a place for using

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Speaker 2: your tongue to do what's right. What's the next best

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Speaker 2: step to put things back together? Have you ever heard

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Speaker 2: of the Five Love Languages before? Of course, yeah. So

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Speaker 2: the guy who wrote that got very popular for that book.

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Speaker 2: He wrote a second book that I think is dynamite,

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Speaker 2: just didn't do as well. It's called The Five Languages

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Speaker 2: of an Apology. It says that you and your spouse,

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Speaker 2: you and your partner, you and your friend, you and

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Speaker 2: your boss, you're your coworker. You often speak with forgiveness

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Speaker 2: or to make things right with five different love languages.

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Speaker 2: Some people want to have the other person express regret

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Speaker 2: until that person says I'm sorry you're hurt, shows empathy, compassion.

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Speaker 2: Anything else is not going to register. Someone else just

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Speaker 2: wants you to say listen, I don't care how much

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Speaker 2: sorry or I'm hurt. I want to hear you say

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Speaker 2: I was wrong. You need to accept responsibility. Well, you

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Speaker 2: might have the love language of regret and you're saying, hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it's not translated to the

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Speaker 2: person until you say I was wrong. So early he's

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Speaker 2: making restitution. You might be I have a child who

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Speaker 2: really needs you to say, how can I make this

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Speaker 2: up to you? What can I do to make this right?

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Speaker 2: That's what's actually communicate. Okay, you know what. This has

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Speaker 2: not just been something wrong. This is actually using your

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Speaker 2: tongue to put things back together. Force might be plan change,

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Speaker 2: which is a talk. Is cheap to have a plan.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to set a reminder to do this. I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to do this again. If I do it,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna catch myself quicker when I blow my top. Whatever.

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Speaker 2: And that's plan change, and that's over time. But I

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Speaker 2: want to see immediate change and I want to rebuild trust.

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Speaker 2: Then the fifth thing is requesting forgiveness and this can

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Speaker 2: be very powerful, which is, after you've said something, you

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Speaker 2: say I'm sorry I was wrong, but I also say

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Speaker 2: could you forgive me? It's kind of an underutilized version

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Speaker 2: of how to use your tongue to really say what

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Speaker 2: is right, and it actually communicates humility. Hey, I'm in

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Speaker 2: your debt? How can I make this right? And then

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Speaker 2: the other one? And will you forgive me?

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Speaker 1: Let me interrupt you for a second, because in his

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Speaker 1: original book, in the Five Law of Love Languages, you

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Speaker 1: know that's a situation where Chad and you do a

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Speaker 1: ton of marriage counseling for years and years and years

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Speaker 1: where and when well use a husband and wife or

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Speaker 1: you know, partner, whatever it might be in this example. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you can sit down with your spouse and you can

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Speaker 1: have them write down what in priority would be their

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Speaker 1: top to their top three love languages when it comes

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Speaker 1: to this kind of thing. This second book, how how

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Speaker 1: are we supposed to find out which of those are

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Speaker 1: our priority?

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Speaker 2: Well, it is another book will be helpful. I'm not

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Speaker 2: in necessarly endorsing the book for anybody even talk about

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Speaker 2: book twenty years I used all the time. I did

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Speaker 2: a whole series on it, but I think it is

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Speaker 2: I you know the word. Five love languages of an apology, right,

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Speaker 2: there is a nucleus information. Then two, let's go back

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Speaker 2: and replay the tape from Chadism with those five agains. Regret,

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, accept responsibility I was wrong. Three, make restitution.

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Speaker 2: How can I make this up to you? Four? Plan change?

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Speaker 2: You have a plan to make change in five requests forgiveness.

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Speaker 2: And probably as I said, you go that one is

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Speaker 2: important to me. Probably say as you're listening or as

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Speaker 2: you're hearing me, you're like, you know what I think?

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Speaker 2: Until all I hear my spouse I was wrong, or

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Speaker 2: express regrets like mine is I'm sorry. My wife came

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Speaker 2: from a family dynamic that if you ever admitted you

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Speaker 2: were wrong, the person loaded into a machine gun and

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Speaker 2: shot it at you.

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Speaker 1: For a lot of them out there, a lot of

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Speaker 1: them out.

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Speaker 2: There, So it was very hard for her. And I'm like, well,

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Speaker 2: even if you're not sure if you're wrong, or it's

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Speaker 2: hard to admit you're wrong when you're first married, could

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Speaker 2: you at least say I'm sorry you're hurting. Yeah, I

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Speaker 2: could do that, And that became probably the most primary

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Speaker 2: thing for me, and she's much better at it now,

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Speaker 2: and we're much better at now. So I think, just

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Speaker 2: think about it and just say I heard someone on

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Speaker 2: the radio today by these different apology languages, played this

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Speaker 2: little minute we just played before, and say which one

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Speaker 2: do you think is important to you? I really want

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Speaker 2: us to repair the relationship. I want to use this

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Speaker 2: tool of my tongue to repair when things go wrong

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Speaker 2: because we bump into each other, we heard each other.

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Speaker 2: So I think to just say, what's your spouse? Is

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Speaker 2: top one? And then I'd become more fluent, like all

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Speaker 2: five of them are good. Man, I'm sorry I hurt you.

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Speaker 2: I was really wrong when I, you know, cut you

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Speaker 2: off yesterday. How can I make this up to you?

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Speaker 2: You know? Can I grab you some coffee? Can I

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Speaker 2: run to Starbucks? Can I get you some graters? You know?

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Speaker 2: These can be just real tangenty the thing, you know,

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Speaker 2: I recognize I need to make this up. And then

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Speaker 2: you know, next time I'm going to try and say

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Speaker 2: something like hey, can we start over? Or I'm going

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Speaker 2: to catch myself and say, man, I really blew it here,

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Speaker 2: or I'm not doing this away intended, and then will

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Speaker 2: you forgive me? And then I've said that many times.

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Speaker 2: In fact, probably a good question for yourself is when's

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Speaker 2: the last time you did any of the five? And

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Speaker 2: if you haven't done any of the five in the

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Speaker 2: last months, I would just encourage you that you're probably

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Speaker 2: underutilizing your tongue for repair and for healing and for help,

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Speaker 2: and I think it can be a really powerful way

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Speaker 2: in which you're able to restore the things that your

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Speaker 2: tongue did on the bad side. This is a chance

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Speaker 2: for your tongue to do something on the good side,

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Speaker 2: you know.

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Speaker 1: I want to go back to an example of how

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Speaker 1: many years you shared this before, but you went a

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Speaker 1: number of years without having much communication at all with

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Speaker 1: your brother.

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Speaker 2: Right, yeah, that's eight to ten Okay years?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, all right, all of us and you may

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Speaker 1: mention of your wife's famili's background and how she grew up.

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Speaker 1: All of us have very different sorts of ways were

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Speaker 1: brought up. When it really zeros in on the ability

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Speaker 1: whether it be to forgive or in this case, to

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Speaker 1: say I'm sorry, or to make that first step. Right, So,

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Speaker 1: maybe you grew up in a family like your wife's,

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Speaker 1: for example, who you know, Okay, this is a way

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Speaker 1: I grew up, but man, I got to find.

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Speaker 2: A way to change.

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Speaker 1: It is it oftentimes to be able to use your

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Speaker 1: tongue as a tool oftentimes where for a lot of us,

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Speaker 1: me included, I've got to do something that I'm just

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Speaker 1: not used to doing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well I totally agree. Some year I'm not

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Speaker 2: used to doing. And I would say, if take it

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Speaker 2: out of this for a second, emotional things feel like

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Speaker 2: sometimes surpy, and you know, it seems like, wow, that's

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Speaker 2: just not what I do because I'm Irish, or because

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Speaker 2: I'm a man, or because of whatever. Any other skill though,

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Speaker 2: it always feels awkward to first learn something. When I

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Speaker 2: first learned to use the bandsaw, when I first use

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Speaker 2: a skill saw, I think of typing. The first time

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Speaker 2: you put your fingers in that awkward position on a keyboard,

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Speaker 2: It's like, oh, this isn't me. This is uncomfortable, it

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Speaker 2: doesn't feel right. You think I could do this so

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Speaker 2: much better with my hunt and peck method. The a

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Speaker 2: to call in so thinking the same way, which is,

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Speaker 2: of course it should feel awkward initially, But every skill

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Speaker 2: feels awkward and uncomfortable initially. But all the research, if

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Speaker 2: you just want to gage your head for a second,

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Speaker 2: all the research says, as I mentioned before, the number

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Speaker 2: one characteristic, number one for long term marriage and friendship,

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Speaker 2: happiness and parental happiness is the ability to give and

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Speaker 2: receive repair attempt. So it's like, this is the skill

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Speaker 2: that makes for good relationships. All of our lives is

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Speaker 2: about relationships. So like, I don't have to be perfect,

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Speaker 2: but I want to do better. And I think I've

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Speaker 2: shared this with you before. I often will share this

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Speaker 2: as folks, three times three times three is twenty seven.

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Speaker 2: Four times four times four is sixty four. If you

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Speaker 2: want to improve your relationships from a twenty seven to

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Speaker 2: a sixty four, all you have to do is tweak

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Speaker 2: three areas of your life. I'm not going to be

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Speaker 2: the best apologizer ever, but you know what, I can

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Speaker 2: be a little bit better than my dad. I can

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Speaker 2: be a little bit better than my mom. I can

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Speaker 2: be a little bit better than I was yesterday. You know,

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Speaker 2: the first time you say it, you're just like, what wrong?

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Speaker 2: Next time you're like, you know what I bloked? I

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Speaker 2: can't quite get that I was wrong, and I b looked, Hey,

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Speaker 2: I really messed up yesterday. Find a language that you say, okay,

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Speaker 2: I want to tiptoe my way toward this. And also

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Speaker 2: I talked to guy one time we left our church

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Speaker 2: and they left the church. So I kind of found said,

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Speaker 2: great plan, Hey, why do you leave the church? Can

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Speaker 2: I reconcile? Can I make something up here? He said, Well,

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Speaker 2: if he didn't like the fact that you've shared from

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Speaker 2: stage the way you make mistakes, and he thought he

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Speaker 2: couldn't live under he couldn't sit under your teaching as

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Speaker 2: a pastor of someone who makes mistakes admits it all

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Speaker 2: the time.

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Speaker 1: Well into the real world that I.

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Speaker 2: Had another guy I was chat look about it in

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Speaker 2: the relationship of his son, and I said, Man, I

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Speaker 2: just think would do you so much good, just in

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Speaker 2: some small way, saying, man, I think I could have

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Speaker 2: handled that better. That's not even a real strong one,

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Speaker 2: but that's better than not doing it at all. I

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Speaker 2: think I could have handled it better. He says, I

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Speaker 2: don't want my kids to think of me poorly or

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Speaker 2: just think I do stuff wrong. Like, buddy, your kids

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Speaker 2: are painfully where you do things wrong. What they're longing

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Speaker 2: for is you to do the next step and say

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Speaker 2: that you did something right by admitting it, that they

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Speaker 2: can hear the cluphone ringing. You just can't hear the

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Speaker 2: cluphone ringing. So this is a chance to restore and

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Speaker 2: think about in relationships, how many weeks, years, months go

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Speaker 2: on and just we need one person to just lean

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Speaker 2: in the other direction. Send a text, say that first comment, imperfectly. Try.

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Speaker 2: There's a little proverb that has meant so much to me,

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Speaker 2: so much I memorized it when I was in high school.

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Speaker 2: It's Proverbs three twenty seven from the Bible. It says,

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Speaker 2: do not withhold good from those to whom it belongs

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Speaker 2: when it is within your power to do so. Don't

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Speaker 2: withhold good to those to whom it belongs when it's

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Speaker 2: within your power to do so. And that's the idea

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Speaker 2: of you know what, there's probably someone in your life

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Speaker 2: who is longing for you to say something affirming somebody.

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Speaker 2: Because of your colleague, man, I really impressed the way

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Speaker 2: you thanks for carrying the load last week. I really

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Speaker 2: appreciate the presentation someone who notices the way in which

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Speaker 2: you may have put your neck on the line for them.

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Speaker 2: Do not withhold good to those to whom it is due.

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Speaker 2: I mean. The classic counter example of this is the

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Speaker 2: husband who says I told my wife I loved her

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Speaker 2: twenty years ago. If it changes, I'll let her know. Well, now,

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Speaker 2: that's poor advice. Do not with hold good man. No

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Speaker 2: one I've ever come into my office has said, Man,

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Speaker 2: they just encouraged me too much. They're just too patient,

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Speaker 2: They're just too kind. Could just stop, Could just stop

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Speaker 2: my spouse, my mom and my dad from listening so

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Speaker 2: well and from encouraging me too much. No one's ever

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Speaker 2: said that. If anything, there's a drought, there's a longing

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Speaker 2: for people to feel encouraged and loved more. And that

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Speaker 2: is within your power and mind to actually say the

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Speaker 2: words that can just kill people up at the end

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Speaker 2: of the day, at the end of the week, and

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Speaker 2: the people you're interacting with every day.

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Speaker 1: It's great stuff, Pastor Chad. This has been a fantastic

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Speaker 1: series and certainly something all of us, each and every

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Speaker 1: one of us, can learn so much from. I thank

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Speaker 1: you as always for your time, and we'll look forward

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Speaker 1: to getting together next week.

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Speaker 2: Sounds great, all right?

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Speaker 1: Your chat open from the Horizon Community Church. Plain glass,

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Speaker 1: stained glass,