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Speaker 1: And we started a series a couple of weeks ago

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Speaker 1: called the Tongue Series. All right, pastor Chad, good morning

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Speaker 1: to you. How are you?

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Speaker 2: Good morning? Yeah, I'm doing really well this morning.

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Speaker 1: Good good to hear. Okay, for those maybe that didn't

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Speaker 1: catch number one or maybe miss number two, give us

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Speaker 1: a recap on the first two parts of this four

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Speaker 1: part series.

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Speaker 2: If you would, sure, we'll. We called it how to

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Speaker 2: keep your foot out of your Mouth. I'm not sure

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Speaker 2: we're going to completely succeed in that'll at least try

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Speaker 2: to get some wisdom about your tongue. We talked about

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Speaker 2: how the tongue is a well, like a old fashioned

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Speaker 2: wishing well. You take the bucket down, you scoop out

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Speaker 2: of what's in the bottom before it comes out the top.

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Speaker 2: And so if you have a tongue problem, you probably

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Speaker 2: have a heart problem because the tongue just speaks out

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Speaker 2: of what's happening in the heart. And the second week

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Speaker 2: we talked about how the tongue can be a source

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Speaker 2: of life or death. And you think about in your past,

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Speaker 2: there's people who walk into the room and when they

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Speaker 2: say things, you just feel like there's more life in

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Speaker 2: the room. You seel, encourage you, feel respected, feel laughter.

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Speaker 2: And then this week we're talking about how the tongue

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Speaker 2: is really a puzzle and it needs to fit the situation.

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Speaker 2: Certain words fit one situation, but they don't fit another situation.

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Speaker 2: And how do we use our tongue to maybe put

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Speaker 2: the final piece. Your words in a situation, in a

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Speaker 2: relationship might be that missing piece that helps somebody have

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Speaker 2: the courage to step out and do something they wouldn't

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Speaker 2: have otherwise, the courage to overcome some depression. That really

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Speaker 2: our words can be the last puzzle piece, but it

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Speaker 2: also needs to fit the situation. With the three t's

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Speaker 2: I like to talk about, which is are you using

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Speaker 2: the right tone for this situation in this person? Are

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Speaker 2: you using the right timing? Man, maybe right before bed

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Speaker 2: is not the best time to have this argument, Or

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Speaker 2: maybe right before bed is the best time to connect

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Speaker 2: with your teenager because that's the time they're a little

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Speaker 2: more open. You can sit on their bed and just

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Speaker 2: how is your day, and it might be the best time.

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Speaker 2: And then lastly is trust, which is have you built

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Speaker 2: an trust that what you're about to share with this

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Speaker 2: particular person that you've earned the right to speak that

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Speaker 2: in their life and they're interested.

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Speaker 3: So that's what we talk about today. What it looked

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Speaker 3: like for the tongue to be a puzzle. How do

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Speaker 3: you have the right pieces, maybe use your words as

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Speaker 3: a missing piece, and how to put it in the

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Speaker 3: context of maybe the bigger picture.

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Speaker 2: Of the situation or the issue that you're in.

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Speaker 1: You know a lot of this, and you talked about it, Chad,

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Speaker 1: the situation, and you talked about how it can be

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Speaker 1: different in one room. We'll use that as an example, okay,

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Speaker 1: as opposed to another room. And you hit on something

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Speaker 1: that I've heard people talk about a lot, and it

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Speaker 1: exists in my marriage where oftentimes it's the guy who

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Speaker 1: wants to get something straightened out at ten o'clock at night, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and you know, you know what I'm saying. You're laughing

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Speaker 1: about it, and you know, maybe for your wife or

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Speaker 1: maybe the situation's reversed where all of a sudden, this

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Speaker 1: is just not the time to do this, and now

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden you can get a little frustrated

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Speaker 1: if you're the one who wants to do Well, what

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Speaker 1: do you say to somebody like that?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'd say start with kind of what's the internal

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Speaker 2: priority system you have in your head, Like in your

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Speaker 2: head you say, maam, this will be successful if we

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Speaker 2: get this resolve tonight. That's your number one priority. And

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Speaker 2: to kind of remind yourself, if I try and get

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Speaker 2: this resolve tonight, it will not only not only get resolved,

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Speaker 2: but it's actually going to cause a bigger problem and

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Speaker 2: blow up and I'm gonna have a bigger mestic clean.

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Speaker 2: So almost look at what's the second priority. I want

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Speaker 2: this resolved quickly, but it doesn't have to be tonight,

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Speaker 2: just that simple. But right now, you've got this has

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Speaker 2: to be resolved tonight or I've got to speak my mind.

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Speaker 2: Let that person know how I feel. That becomes your

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Speaker 2: driver rather than all right. There's this old proverb that

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Speaker 2: says a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold

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Speaker 2: in settings of silver. Does the way I'm expressed this

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Speaker 2: fit the situation is the timing of this fit the

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Speaker 2: best way to express And we talked a couple months

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Speaker 2: ago how my wife and I agreed, maybe twenty years

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Speaker 2: ago in our marriage, not to have any intense conversations

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Speaker 2: after ten PM because that's when she's most tired. She's

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Speaker 2: doing everything she can to not get angry and it

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Speaker 2: just didn't resolve well, versus saying yourself, Okay, I don't

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Speaker 2: want this to lean on or linger on, but hey,

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Speaker 2: i'd like to resolve this. Can we talk about this

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Speaker 2: tomorrow and make some time for it. It can just

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Speaker 2: be so much better because when you when your gauges

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Speaker 2: are higher, your emotional gauges, your physical gauges, you're rested,

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Speaker 2: you're just going to have more willpower and both to

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Speaker 2: control the tongue but also to kind of discern the

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Speaker 2: situation better. And we've all had moments where we just

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Speaker 2: kind of botched it, right, I mean, sometimes it's appropriate.

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Speaker 2: I got relative, yeah exactly, I get a relative who

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Speaker 2: talks too long. You know, when you get on the

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Speaker 2: phone with them, it's two hours. You can ever get off.

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Speaker 2: But one day my mom was trying to warn me

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Speaker 2: that because I was calling this relative with my dad,

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Speaker 2: they were gonna call together. My dad always likes using

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Speaker 2: a speakerphone, so Dad lets it dial. While it's dialing,

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Speaker 2: it's ringing, ring, ringing. So my mom's like, he just

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Speaker 2: you know, this relative really talks a lot. D well,

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Speaker 2: my dad, we thought he had it on mute. So

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Speaker 2: my mom was giving me instructions. I try to get

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Speaker 2: off the phone. Next thing we know, we're not on mute,

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Speaker 2: and you hear this relative saying hello Diane. Chad like,

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Speaker 2: we looked at each other, our jaws dropped, my contact,

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Speaker 2: We look at my dad. You didn't have it on mute.

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Speaker 2: And he's like, oh, I'm like, it's not inappropriate to

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Speaker 2: say to somebody. They just so you know, when you

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Speaker 2: call so and so, it might take two hours, But

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Speaker 2: my goodness, don't do that with somebody who can't run

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Speaker 2: their own technology. My dad, Yeah, with with while you're

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Speaker 2: on speakerphone, and oh my goodness. And then how do

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Speaker 2: you apologize for that? You kind of hope they didn't

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Speaker 2: hear what you're saying. Yeah, you know, we've all been.

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Speaker 1: There, well, you know, and you talk about something you

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Speaker 1: used a great example and talking to maybe for your

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Speaker 1: teenagers at night is the best time to just go

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Speaker 1: in there. And you know, but what I'm getting at,

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Speaker 1: I guess the word because I get and I know

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Speaker 1: it's true. So it's not like my wife is telling

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Speaker 1: me something I don't know. It's true. For a lot

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Speaker 1: of us, so much of this and you talk about

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Speaker 1: a piece of a puzzle with your tongue? Is tone right? Tone?

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Speaker 1: Do you have any Do you have any suggestions for

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Speaker 1: a guy like me or any of our listeners out

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Speaker 1: there on how to Is there some Can you change

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Speaker 1: your tone? And think about how to change your tone?

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Speaker 2: I think you can. And sometimes that's incentives, Like if

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Speaker 2: I told you and by the end of the week,

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Speaker 2: I'll give you a million dollars if you can talk nicely,

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Speaker 2: kindly and gently, I bet you can be motivated. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: sometimes it's motivation, And I do think in the same

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Speaker 2: way you can learn from these two ways to learn,

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Speaker 2: the wise and the foolish person. The wise person learns

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Speaker 2: from other people's mistakes. The fool only learns from his

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Speaker 2: own mistakes. And there's an old proverb that says the

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Speaker 2: wives can learn from one mistake, and a thousand lashes

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Speaker 2: is what it takes for the fool. So I would say,

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Speaker 2: look at your drack record? Did this work very well?

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Speaker 2: Is this painful? I want to avoid pain? And I

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Speaker 2: think you can. And the way I would do it

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Speaker 2: practically is like any other area of life, do you

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Speaker 2: have some coaches, not only I like literally, find somebody

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Speaker 2: to coach your tongue. I mean, look at people in

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Speaker 2: your life who are good at this. Call them like

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Speaker 2: mouth mentors. I've got two guys that when they call me,

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Speaker 2: every time they call me, they make it about me,

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Speaker 2: and they ask me how I'm doing. They encourage me.

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Speaker 2: They say, man a chat, I just think you're doing

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Speaker 2: a great job here, You're such a great dad there.

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Speaker 2: And I walk away from that and I feel like

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Speaker 2: they put pieces into me, like my puzzle wasn't complete

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Speaker 2: and I didn't even know it. I'm filled up. Think

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Speaker 2: about the people in your life who do that regularly.

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Speaker 2: I had a call yesterday with a buddy mine, one

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Speaker 2: of my best men in my wedding. I talk and

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Speaker 2: maybe once a year these days, and the same thing.

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Speaker 2: I was going to rattle off what I'm doing and

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Speaker 2: what I'm up to, and I thought, you know what,

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Speaker 2: I want to try to think about what he needs.

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Speaker 2: And he described some tense situations he's in and some

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Speaker 2: challenges of work, and I said, you know what, this

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Speaker 2: is a chance for me to put a puzzle piece in.

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Speaker 2: So I said, you know what, this is something I

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Speaker 2: always admired about you, the way in which you encourage

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Speaker 2: people and affirm people and help people navigate tough stuff.

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Speaker 2: I think you're really doing what God has called you

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Speaker 2: to do and what really fits your your strengths. He said, well, man,

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Speaker 2: thanks buddy, you know, and doesn't mean I couldn't harass

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Speaker 2: him the rest of the phone call, as guys do.

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Speaker 2: But I think looking for mentors, meaning people you watch

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Speaker 2: you go. Look how they did that, Look how they

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Speaker 2: crafted that, Look how they used the right word in

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Speaker 2: the right time. And then I think part of not

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Speaker 2: just having a kind of maybe it's going to call

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Speaker 2: a mentor take it somebody you look up to who

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Speaker 2: does this. Well, I just say, start quickly catching yourself,

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Speaker 2: which is, hey, honey, you know what I think. I'm

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Speaker 2: a little too intense right now. Can I try over?

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Speaker 2: I start over? Hey, you know it sounds that sounds

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Speaker 2: like this is not going in the direction I wanted,

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Speaker 2: And didn't try to say what do you need right

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Speaker 2: now from me? Do you need appreciation? What do you

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Speaker 2: need from me right now? Do you need space? What

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Speaker 2: do you need right now for me to listen? So

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Speaker 2: ask the question what do you need? I say the

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Speaker 2: same thing if you have eighteen to twenty year old

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Speaker 2: year old kids or even older. One of the greatest

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Speaker 2: things you can do during that transition is instead of

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Speaker 2: still parenting them, which we all want to parent them. Hey,

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Speaker 2: you ought to do this, watch out for that. Don't

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Speaker 2: fall in that ditch. Start the conversation with this. This

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Speaker 2: will set the tone. Are you open to another perspective

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Speaker 2: that shows respect? Can I share another opinion with you?

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Speaker 2: When you ask a question before you share your opinion,

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Speaker 2: it communicates respect. It also says I really want you

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Speaker 2: to listen, but you don't have to, but I really

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Speaker 2: care about you and think that this might be helpful.

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Speaker 2: You might be a husband who comes in the door

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Speaker 2: as soon as you come in the door, your wife,

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Speaker 2: you know, desperately, she's been with the kids all day,

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Speaker 2: or she said the tough day of work, and she

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Speaker 2: suddenly just wants to unload on you. And you might say, honey,

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Speaker 2: when I first get home and first come in the door,

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Speaker 2: that's just not the best time for me. I do

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Speaker 2: want to listen. I do want to know what's going on.

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Speaker 2: Can you give me like fifteen minutes to decompress? Can

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Speaker 2: we wait till after dinner? That way, you say to her,

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Speaker 2: you are important, what you feel is important, what you

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Speaker 2: need is important. But Also, I'm not in the best

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Speaker 2: place when I first walk in the door to be

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Speaker 2: at my best to do that with you. So that's

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Speaker 2: what I would do. Think about how to before you

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Speaker 2: share your opinion on anything, start with a question, are

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Speaker 2: you open to this perspective? Can I share this opinion

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Speaker 2: to find some guys in your life? For people in

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Speaker 2: your life you think are really good at using tone

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Speaker 2: and just kind of study as they speak when you're

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Speaker 2: at a party, when you see them at work, and

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Speaker 2: what do they do while I walk in the room

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Speaker 2: and want to tell all my favorite twenty stories because

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Speaker 2: I kind of struggle with that too, Versus, how do

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Speaker 2: I walk in the room and say who's around me?

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Speaker 2: That's an unfinished puzzle And how could I put another

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Speaker 2: piece into their lives to really bless them?

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Speaker 1: That is? I just think there is so much to

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Speaker 1: learn from all of this. We're talking with Pastor Chad

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Speaker 1: Hoven from the Horizon Community Church. Last thing I want

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Speaker 1: to ask you I got about a minute and a half.

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Speaker 1: We talked about timing, We talked about tone. What do

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Speaker 1: you mean by trust?

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Speaker 2: Well, there's some people that you don't know them real well,

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Speaker 2: they don't know you, and you think you can suddenly

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Speaker 2: speak to how they should change their whole life. You've

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Speaker 2: got people who give unsolicited feedback or they come at you.

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Speaker 2: And there's some guys who could use a tone that's

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Speaker 2: very direct, very blunt, and you'd say, you know what,

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Speaker 2: I can take that because I know they love me.

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Speaker 2: I know they've been for me. I know they've been

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Speaker 2: in the trenches with me, and they can actually be

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Speaker 2: more direct and less pleasantries because you know you have

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Speaker 2: the depth of relationship, and in the depth of relationship

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Speaker 2: you get the right you've earned it. Hey, I know

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Speaker 2: this person's sacrifice for me. I know this one maybe

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Speaker 2: has my back. So that sent different words to describe

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Speaker 2: that trust relationship. You still I think could communicate respectfully. Hey, buddy,

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Speaker 2: I noticed something when we were talking the other day.

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Speaker 2: When we're at that party, are you over to a

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Speaker 2: feedback and the answer, whether you asked that or not,

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Speaker 2: it might be for a lot of people who say, no,

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Speaker 2: I don't trust the way you handle your life. I

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Speaker 2: don't trust the way you if you start giving me

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Speaker 2: marriage advice. So when at the party, you say, man,

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Speaker 2: the way he talks to his wife is terrible. His

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Speaker 2: rush of his kids is terrible. So no, I probably

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Speaker 2: don't really trust you and your motives, as I don't

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Speaker 2: trust that that we all imperfectly are trying to live life.

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Speaker 2: That some people are more imperfect than others and they

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Speaker 2: may not have a lot of wisdom show in the theory.

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Speaker 2: On the other hand, you might say, I may not

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Speaker 2: trust you for your finances because your finance is are wreck.

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Speaker 2: But you know, my goodness, I've never seen anyone who's

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Speaker 2: better at encouraging people. Yeah, I'd love some advice there,

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Speaker 2: so don't discount people. But with a trusting relationship, you

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Speaker 2: want to say, you know, have I put enough? As

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Speaker 2: an old old analogy, have I've put enough coins in

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Speaker 2: your pocket that it's time for withdrawal? And if you're

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Speaker 2: trying to withdraw with a tough conversation or a crucial

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Speaker 2: conversation or difficult conversation, have you put enough change in

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Speaker 2: their pocket from the moments that you've handed them a

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Speaker 2: quarter of an encouragement or you're begetting there when no

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Speaker 2: one else turned it back. You find out who your

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Speaker 2: real friends are when you know you're in the fire

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Speaker 2: and everybody turns it back, you say, you know, I

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Speaker 2: put a lot of change in this person's pocket, my son,

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Speaker 2: my daughter, and my colleague, my business partner. I'm going

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Speaker 2: to have to take a big withdrawal here, but that

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Speaker 2: trust is like the change in the pocket. Yep.

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Speaker 1: Great, great stuff in this series. I think that we

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Speaker 1: can all learn so much. And I mean, you know, look,

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Speaker 1: we have hundreds of thousands of people listening to this

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Speaker 1: on a weekly basis, and I just to hear it.

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Speaker 1: I can look in a mirror. No, I got to

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Speaker 1: make some changes and the things in the way that

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Speaker 1: I do it. So I want to say thank you

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Speaker 1: very much.

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Speaker 2: Well, well, thank you. I certainly am a fellow struggler

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Speaker 2: in the journey. And they always say, if you preach

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Speaker 2: your weaknesses, you'll never run out of material.

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Speaker 1: Except not an.

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Speaker 2: Expert on this, but certainly a slow traveler on the drink.

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Speaker 1: I like that. I like I gotta remember that. All right, Chad,

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Speaker 1: I have a great rest of your day. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: your time, man, all right, past your chat over. That's

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Speaker 1: good stuff.

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Speaker 2: I like that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah,