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Speaker 1: The person who chose to cheat, and and the person

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Speaker 1: obviously who was cheated on, Uh, they're obviously going to

3
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Speaker 1: be devastated. So but they have to the cheater has

4
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Speaker 1: to actually listen to that hurt. That's number one. I

5
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Speaker 1: have to hold space for that because a lot of

6
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Speaker 1: times they don't want to listen to the hurt. They

7
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Speaker 1: want to deflect it. They want to, you know, rationalize it.

8
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Speaker 1: They want to say, you know, all these reasons, why

9
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Speaker 1: for the for the cheat, for the cheater. I need

10
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Speaker 1: to find out what was the benefit of that behavior,

11
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Speaker 1: How did it fix whatever was going on within them?

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Speaker 1: A lot of times Esther Perell, which I know we've

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Speaker 1: talked about, she'll say that the cheating was more about

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Speaker 1: the experience the person had. They saw a different version

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Speaker 1: of themselves in the cheating relationship, and they liked it. Right,

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Speaker 1: That's what I mean by function of the behavior, Like

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Speaker 1: what is it that? What's the payoff? It's you know

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Speaker 1: more than it's it's an emotional payoff of psychological payoff. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like what's the answer, Why was that? Why was that

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Speaker 1: the answer?

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Speaker 2: Okay?

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Speaker 3: And so they cheated and they regret it, yep, and

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Speaker 3: they want to stay with the person that they're with

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Speaker 3: and they understood that they were missing something in their life,

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Speaker 3: and the other the person that was cheated on, wants

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Speaker 3: to try and work it out. How often can you

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Speaker 3: fix that? I mean, it's got to be a long road.

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Speaker 3: It's a long road to be able to rebuild trust

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Speaker 3: from an infidelity.

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Speaker 1: There has to be humility, a heck of a lot

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Speaker 1: of humility, and the person who did, who cheated, there

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Speaker 1: has to be a lot of humility there. And most

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Speaker 1: often what I see is they lean into that defensiveness, criticism, contemptuousness,

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Speaker 1: those four horsemen we've talked about in previous shows. And

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Speaker 1: they can never stay in that humility long enough for

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Speaker 1: the for the partner who's been cheated on to feel

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Speaker 1: heard right, to really feel heard, and to feel seen

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Speaker 1: and to feel understood. And so I see, unfortunately there's conflict.

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Speaker 1: The conflict just continues ensuing. So I don't the prognosis

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Speaker 1: is not very not very good.

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Speaker 2: It's not great.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Sterling, I know you and I have gone over

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Speaker 3: some of your past relationships.

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Speaker 4: We've talked about.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, and I always say, anybody over the

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Speaker 3: age of sixteen has been hurt already before and had

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Speaker 3: heartbreak and that kind of stuff, and you get stronger

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Speaker 3: as the years go on.

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Speaker 2: Hopefully we've talked about you know yours.

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Speaker 3: You know you've had heartbreak and you you've certainly broken

51
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Speaker 3: up with some trust issues and things like that. Are

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Speaker 3: you able to continue on and feel like you're going

53
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Speaker 3: to be able to trust your next partner? Do you

54
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Speaker 3: have trust issues right now? No?

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Speaker 5: And what I mean but I think it's a concern

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Speaker 5: and a worry that people have, and I mean it

57
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Speaker 5: always has to be back there. But I mean, I

58
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Speaker 5: think I probably caused some carnage in my wake as well,

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Speaker 5: maybe not by infidelity, but by other things.

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Speaker 3: What's another way to lose just lose trust? What's another way?

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Speaker 2: Uh?

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Speaker 5: Well, the finances, jacking around with your money, not being

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Speaker 5: truthful about it, how you're spelling what you're doing with it.

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Speaker 5: Hell yeah, I mean I mean that's huge, right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, finances? Yeah, Lying right?

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Speaker 3: Lying would be another one, like you know, even even

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Speaker 3: withhold just withholding the truth. Let's say you know, you're

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Speaker 3: at work and you're supposed to be home, and you

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Speaker 3: go out and your buddies ask you meet at the

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Speaker 3: bar for beer, and you can't tell your wife right,

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Speaker 3: and you go home and she smells beer on your

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Speaker 3: breath and you're like, Okay, did you go out and

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Speaker 3: have beers because you smell like alcohol? Oh yeah, So

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Speaker 3: and so told me that's kind of like could cause

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Speaker 3: a pretty big rift, And like, why wouldn't you.

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Speaker 1: Tell me that biomission?

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Speaker 2: Yes, withholding right, why would somebody do that? Doctor West.

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Speaker 1: They don't want to get into a conflict cycle. They

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Speaker 1: don't want to argue, they don't want to hear about it.

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Speaker 1: That's almost often couples will come in sometimes and say,

81
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Speaker 1: good news, we never argue, and I say that's bad news.

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Speaker 1: You never argue. That's bad news because that means you're

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Speaker 1: not getting down to the core issues of what's going on.

84
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Speaker 1: You're not really talking about what's really happening in your relationship.

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Speaker 1: You're deflecting, you're avoiding it. So yeah, so I think

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Speaker 1: that that you'll have to remind me.

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Speaker 3: Where they're avoiding it because they don't want to get

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Speaker 3: into an argument. But you know that if you're gonna

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Speaker 3: smell beer on your breast, so yeah, you just rather

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Speaker 3: take the hit on the back end.

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Speaker 2: Certainly, Do you agree with that? I think that letting

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Speaker 2: someone there should be no secrets.

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Speaker 5: I mean, if you can't tell somebody, Hey, I'm going

94
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Speaker 5: to be a little late, I'm going to go out

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Speaker 5: with the guys, have a drink or two, whatever, grab

96
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Speaker 5: a bike, tat you know, you want me to bring

97
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Speaker 5: some food home for you, we can go to a

98
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Speaker 5: movie later or whatever else.

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Speaker 6: It is.

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Speaker 5: If you can't have a little of that overlap, then

101
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Speaker 5: there's a problem there.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't agree more.

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Speaker 5: And that works all the way around. One, Why are

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Speaker 5: you withholding to use doctor West's term and not fully

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Speaker 5: disclosing what you're doing. Sometimes you get caught up and

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Speaker 5: you're not you know, thinking about it or whatever. But

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Speaker 5: I mean I've probably been guilty of yeah I should

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Speaker 5: be home by this time.

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Speaker 2: And then been a little bit later. Maybe that's caused

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Speaker 2: a bit of a rift or something.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But is it for an accident because you're working,

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Speaker 3: or is it because you went out and hung out

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Speaker 3: with some people and didn't tell your girlfriend?

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Speaker 6: Yes?

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Speaker 3: See, because when I think of this scenario, I think

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Speaker 3: of the guy doing it more than the women.

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Speaker 4: Why is it always us?

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Speaker 2: It's an equal opportunity world. You have everything you wanted

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Speaker 2: as a woman, you want to work, you do it.

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Speaker 5: You have the power, the independence and everything, and yet somehow.

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Speaker 2: We're still the problem. How is that?

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Speaker 3: I'm just saying that when I think of that scenario

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Speaker 3: just now in my head, it's always the guy that's like,

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Speaker 3: because I think women and maybe I'm wrong.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, I could be wrong, Sterling.

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Speaker 3: I will stipulate, but women are a little bit more forthcoming.

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Speaker 2: Do you see that with your couples, doctor West, that

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Speaker 2: women are more yes with their partner with you in

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Speaker 2: the meeting.

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Speaker 5: Because usually from my from everybody I've talked with that

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Speaker 5: are friends and friends that have lost half maybe more

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Speaker 5: than once in a couple of women that are friends

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Speaker 5: of mine who have jumped the broom, stomped the glass set.

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Speaker 5: I do and on ooh, that was a bad idea.

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Speaker 5: I will say the same thing, and then that that's

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Speaker 5: it really depends. That's that's a variable that goes into

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Speaker 5: that situation. Men are usually scared to death talking couples therapy.

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Speaker 5: Oh usually by the time you're in therapy it's over anyway.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they're scared to have to talk. But the women

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Speaker 1: are more forthcoming.

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Speaker 5: Well, I mean that it's a guy almost every guy

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Speaker 5: that I've talked to, one woman that I can think of, Well,

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Speaker 5: they don't want to go to therapy. It's already dead

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Speaker 5: on the vine. Now that might be the case. Maybe

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Speaker 5: you're able to prune that tree back and get new growth.

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Speaker 5: Oh wow, sound like I'm in the garden. But I

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Speaker 5: mean that that's sort of the way it is. We're

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Speaker 5: talking about something and letting it grow and be healthy.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'm not saying that it's I said earlier, the

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Speaker 1: prognosis is not good. I've definitely helped couples come back

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Speaker 1: from infidelity. I have, but it really takes a lot

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Speaker 1: of emotional intelligence and maturity and a lot of people

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Speaker 1: just want to argue and fight. And I will say

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Speaker 1: this the security of their again, I repeat a lot,

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Speaker 1: because it's it's it's about attachment, Donna. We've talked about that, right,

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Speaker 1: So if they have secure attachment with themselves and they

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Speaker 1: haven't given away everything to their partner, they've got some

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Speaker 1: kind of a base within themselves, like I'm okay, I

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Speaker 1: don't need you anyway, right, I'm okay, all right, but

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Speaker 1: not the mean version that because it's a healthy lies right,

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Speaker 1: Like I can rebuild this because I am secure within

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Speaker 1: myself right.

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Speaker 3: So five, the big one, The question is have you

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Speaker 3: come back from a huge trust issue and your relationship

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Speaker 3: have gotten stronger. I know it is probably the minority

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Speaker 3: of couples that have done that, but you know, I'm

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Speaker 3: coaching a couple that they want to do the work,

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Speaker 3: they want to come back together, they want to repair

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Speaker 3: and I feel like a lot of people don't have

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Speaker 3: the tools to be able to communicate. So that's why

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Speaker 3: doctor West is here, That's why we are doing this stuff.

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Speaker 3: Is like, all right, instead of defending yourself, just listen,

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Speaker 3: Just listen and let your partner be heard. I think

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Speaker 3: that's step one right in rebuilding trust.

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Speaker 2: And then you.

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Speaker 3: Know, it's consistent behavior in terms of showing up for them,

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Speaker 3: even if you still have anger issues and you're the

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Speaker 3: one that cheated and you want to have trust, how

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Speaker 3: important it is to say, look, I'm gonna scream and

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Speaker 3: yell and I don't want to do that.

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Speaker 2: Let's let's take fifteen twenty minutes.

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Speaker 3: Yes, get and separate, separate, that's right, but I'll be

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Speaker 3: back here for.

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Speaker 2: You all about twenty minutes.

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Speaker 1: That's it. It's all about that repair attempt. You've heard

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Speaker 1: me mention that before, And that's really what research shows

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Speaker 1: is the difference between couples who make it and those

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Speaker 1: that don't. It's not about the conflict you're going to argue,

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Speaker 1: can you repair? Can you come back?

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Speaker 2: Sterling?

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Speaker 3: You talked about that you're not jaded by trusting people.

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Speaker 2: Does that come with age? After you know? Living, learning

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Speaker 2: and loving and loot, loss and everything else.

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Speaker 3: But Frank Sinatra is what they say loved and lost,

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Speaker 3: Like Frank has you.

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Speaker 2: Kind of grow doing the same thing over and over.

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Speaker 5: What do they say? It's insanity? But life's kind of

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Speaker 5: like that anyway. You have to put yourself out there

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Speaker 5: right unless you limit your exposure anyway and compartmentalize. And

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Speaker 5: some people are good with that from my experience. But

201
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Speaker 5: I've also known people that have had where both people,

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Speaker 5: the man and the woman in the relationship have had

203
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,240
Speaker 5: had a thing on the side, but their thing is

204
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Speaker 5: their thing and they're okay with that. Not everybody can

205
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Speaker 5: make a decision to say what's out of the house

206
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Speaker 5: is out of the house, don't bring it home, don't

207
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Speaker 5: embarrass me, don't go to the same place as we go.

208
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Speaker 5: That's your thing, this is my thing, And this is home,

209
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Speaker 5: it's ours. I know some people who are able to

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Speaker 5: make that work. The forgiveness thing that you were mentioning about.

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Speaker 5: Sometimes the person who's out. Sometimes it's just physical, it's

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Speaker 5: just the excitement of having somebody knew something different, strange

213
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Speaker 5: from one of a better way to say it. And

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Speaker 5: other people it's about, well, you're not getting me emotionally

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Speaker 5: what I need. More often than not, my observation or

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Speaker 5: hallucination Doctor West would probably be able to say more

217
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Speaker 5: about this is that women are more about the when

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Speaker 5: they step out, it's already usually emotionally done. They've already

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Speaker 5: been offended, they're acting out, they're doing it, and a

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Speaker 5: guy is just like, well, you know she bought me

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Speaker 5: a drink.

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Speaker 4: I mean you know.

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Speaker 2: She was there.

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Speaker 5: Well, I'm not saying that's the motivator, but I'm saying

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Speaker 5: that's it. That is just that it has nothing to

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Speaker 5: do with the other. And sometimes a woman, from my

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Speaker 5: observation or hallucination or experience, will do it just to

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Speaker 5: be see what I did.

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Speaker 2: And that's a problem.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, how do you get to the place though, because

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Speaker 5: usually one person is able to maybe come back and

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Speaker 5: be able to deal with it. The other person, isn't

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Speaker 5: Is it more the offender or the victim of someone

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Speaker 5: stepping out, because that can go either way.

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Speaker 1: Right, I can't. Yeah, So oftentimes for in my clinical experience,

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Speaker 1: it is going to be the person who can repair,

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Speaker 1: is is it? The burden is really on the offender,

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Speaker 1: the person, the person who offended, they're the ones. It's

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Speaker 1: their attitude that really determines whether or not we're going

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Speaker 1: to be successful or not.

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Speaker 3: How do you know, what do you say to somebody

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Speaker 3: who's afraid to trust again? Because people get broken from

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Speaker 3: some of that stuff. Oh yeah, and I loved what

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Speaker 3: you talked about. You got to have some tools with within,

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Speaker 3: right within to be able to to say, you know what,

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Speaker 3: if you're not happy, go ahead, I'm good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 3: Is that where you start? Because if you if you

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Speaker 3: don't try. I have a friend who just like, no, no, no,

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Speaker 3: I'm done. I am done, and she doesn't want to

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Speaker 3: date any more meds.

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Speaker 2: It's probably going to change. But you know, even even

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Speaker 2: when she.

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Speaker 3: Was dating someone that she really liked, you know, I

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Speaker 3: can be on my own, it was almost like she

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Speaker 3: was proving that she could be on her own constantly

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Speaker 3: all the time.

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Speaker 2: And now she is, so you know what I mean?

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Speaker 3: She was like, you find somebody that you really like

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Speaker 3: and then you prove that you can.

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Speaker 1: Do it without them, Right, that's.

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Speaker 5: Like such a weird for the person that you know,

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Speaker 5: I could do it with you, but I'd rather do

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Speaker 5: it by myself.

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Speaker 2: That's a weird place to put them.

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Speaker 1: It's like a fearful avoidant attachment.

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Speaker 2: Is that what that is?

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Speaker 1: It's what it sounds like to me. Like they they

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Speaker 1: but but even avoidant personalities, they still crave the fearful avoidance,

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Speaker 1: crave connection. They're just terrified of getting hurt, so they

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Speaker 1: push people away, they avoid.

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Speaker 3: It's exactly what's going on. So within a minute, how

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Speaker 3: do we fix that? Now, work on yourself, yourself, be

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Speaker 3: alone for a little bit. Work on yourself so that

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Speaker 3: you can rebuild trust within so that you can feel

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Speaker 3: like you can give it.

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Speaker 1: So you got to work on the parts of you

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Speaker 1: within emotional if you've seen inside out, we all have

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Speaker 1: these emotions, right, We've got these emotions going on with them.

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Speaker 1: So you got to I call it a parts party.

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Speaker 1: You got to bring all these emotional parts together and

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Speaker 1: have a conversation and heal. Yeah, there's a lot there

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Speaker 1: that we can unpack.

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Speaker 2: But Sterling, you're going to stick around for one more break.

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Speaker 2: I knew that.

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Speaker 5: Get it cold out, Yeah, like there's so much colder

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Speaker 5: now than it was.

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Speaker 2: The whole difference. I mean, it's just cold.

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Speaker 3: How do you know when rebuilding trust is not possible.

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Speaker 3: We're going to get into that when we come back

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Speaker 3: after the break news, weather, traffic, Uh, Donna d with Sterling,

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Speaker 3: Doctor Wes. We're back in just a bit Saturday night,

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Speaker 3: seven hundred w LW Cincinnati.

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Speaker 2: Or what do you do with us?

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Speaker 5: I mean seriously, where where do you have to continually

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Speaker 5: put yourself out there? Or you end up a recluse

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Speaker 5: and they go, yeah, we haven't seen in like six years.

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Speaker 5: Packages are piled up on the porch.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 5: They mow the lawns, so I mean they're not an

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Speaker 5: a nuisance in the neighborhood, right, I mean what you

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Speaker 5: got to keep hitting it?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you got to. You gotta choice of words. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you do have to continue to put your stuff out

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Speaker 1: there through courage and and uh working on uh really

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Speaker 1: shatter it's it's the shattering of the ability to trust

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Speaker 1: someone that I think is really devastating for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people, and they do withdraw and they go into

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Speaker 1: that fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant and they end up miserable.

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Speaker 1: Like what you're saying.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, there's also like the broken promises, like you know,

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Speaker 3: we're engaged and we'll get married and plant for you know,

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Speaker 3: a year from now, and three years go by, and

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Speaker 3: you know he's comfortable and she wants to, you know,

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Speaker 3: when are we going to get married? I've seen that

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Speaker 3: I have I have friends that are like that, and

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Speaker 3: and you know, ten years has gone by, and even

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Speaker 3: if somebody mentions it at a restaurant and what are

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Speaker 3: you guys finally going to get married? He flips out

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Speaker 3: because he doesn't want that topic to be brought up,

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Speaker 3: because I think there's just a fear of that that

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Speaker 3: kind of commitment, because when you do get married, there's

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Speaker 3: a whole bunch of stuff.

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Speaker 2: That comes along with it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, of course you can.

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Speaker 3: Be engaged and there's not legal right ramifications.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's when you sign that piece of paper.

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Speaker 1: But that's really what it is. It's it's really just

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Speaker 1: a it's it's you and I were talking on the

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Speaker 1: phone earlier, Donna and it's really about this identifying the

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Speaker 1: constraints of the relationship, and that can be really scary

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Speaker 1: for people. Just the label we are married.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it carries a lot of energy in history.

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Speaker 2: When you get married.

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Speaker 1: And I was telling you that that my stepdaughter is

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Speaker 1: in uh college, and she talks about situationships. I was

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Speaker 1: telling you about that. Have you ever heard about that

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Speaker 1: sterling situationships.

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Speaker 2: I'm familiar with.

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Speaker 3: They don't call it relationships now, they call it situationships,

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Speaker 3: which I still don't really understand what that means.

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Speaker 2: Because there's always some kind of situation.

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Speaker 5: That's why right there, I know what's going on there. Yeah,

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Speaker 5: I mean every there is always a situation. It's either

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Speaker 5: a healthy situation, everything's good and you're committed, or maybe

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Speaker 5: you know you have friendships, friend situation friendship. Well, I

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Speaker 5: don't know what do you say there? I can't blend

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Speaker 5: the words. I'm not but I mean that there's that too, right, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think it's not wanting to define or label their

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Speaker 1: relationship puts a lot of pressure. So when you're talking

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Speaker 1: about guys that or whoever is extending this long term engagement,

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Speaker 1: I think it's it's we don't we don't want to

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Speaker 1: put like a label on them. That's at least my

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Speaker 1: thought on well.

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Speaker 3: And and you know, people used to kind of make

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Speaker 3: fun of him. He was you know, he's a friend

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Speaker 3: of mine, and they would a couple of them would say,

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Speaker 3: you know, you're just afraid of your You're afraid of

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Speaker 3: your girlfriend, and he.

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Speaker 4: Goes, you're right, I am.

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Speaker 3: And there's a lot of fear because somebody is going

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Speaker 3: to be more dominant in the relationships. So there's always

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Speaker 3: going to be someone that's and maybe maybe that's where

365
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Speaker 3: lying or not withhold or withholding things comes through. They

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Speaker 3: want to do something, but they don't want to get

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Speaker 3: into an argument and what that's going to take with

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Speaker 3: their with their significant other exactly right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not worth it. The fight's not worth it

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Speaker 1: for them. And I was reading something earlier where it's

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Speaker 1: not fifty to fifty. It's usually there is someone who's

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Speaker 1: more dominant in the relationship, like what you just said, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Is there is there one that's I mean, we've we've

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Speaker 3: to other than infidelity. That's the big the cheat, the thing,

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Speaker 3: that's the big staying, that's the big deal on the

376
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Speaker 3: on the trust issue. But like boundary violations. If you're

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Speaker 3: out to dinner and you know, you're with three other

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Speaker 3: couples and you know, I reveal something my husband never

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Speaker 3: wanted me to reveal, right, and then he's so mad

380
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Speaker 3: at me. And I didn't have a bad intention about it,

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Speaker 3: but he still feels like there's some trust violated.

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Speaker 2: How did? How do I mean? Is that simple to heal?

383
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Speaker 3: And and then the other question is how long does

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Speaker 3: rebuilding trust take? And what slows down the process the most?

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Speaker 1: Would you say, yeah, lack of empathy. Lack of empathy

386
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Speaker 1: shows that would slow it down the most, if I've

387
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Speaker 1: got to And it's really it's that defending the attitude

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Speaker 1: of just well I deserved it. It's that it's that

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Speaker 1: contemptuousness I'm looking down on you, like, yeah, that's really

390
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Speaker 1: I see that a lot with in relationship repair attempt.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I have to get and it's not

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Speaker 1: just guys, Guys I have to work with on taking

393
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Speaker 1: the elevator down from the cognitive, from the from trying

394
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,040
Speaker 1: to rationalize it down to the emotions. Take the elevator down.

395
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Speaker 1: Women are right, yeah, yeah, but if you can take

396
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Speaker 1: that down and you can empathize just echo what she's saying.

397
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Speaker 1: Don't try and fix it. Just echo what she's saying,

398
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Speaker 1: and then say did I get that? Right? Is there

399
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Speaker 1: any you know that is empathy? Right?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I have a.

401
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Speaker 3: Question because I mean, so if infidelity is the big thing,

402
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:38,160
Speaker 3: at what point where he says, Okay, I will I

403
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,680
Speaker 3: empathize with you. I did this, I I'm sorry. I

404
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,480
Speaker 3: will do whatever it takes to rebuild this. But she

405
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,160
Speaker 3: goes a step further and says, I need to see

406
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Speaker 3: your texts. I need to see you know. You need

407
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Speaker 3: to call me when you get to this place and

408
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,040
Speaker 3: then text me when you get what how I mean?

409
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Speaker 3: Because that's not healthy either. I mean, at what point

410
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Speaker 3: does it get too much?

411
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Speaker 1: Yeah? I actually encourage that for a time being because

412
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Speaker 1: you have to. You have to just be fully transparent

413
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Speaker 1: in a way that you were never before.

414
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Speaker 3: Now.

415
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Speaker 1: I don't think it goes on forever because that's going

416
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Speaker 1: to be running a surveillance state on your partner, and

417
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Speaker 1: that's going to create a parent child dynamic, which is

418
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Speaker 1: not going to be good at all. But for a

419
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Speaker 1: time being, you have to be completely vulnerable. And what

420
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Speaker 1: do you If you're not hiding anything, then what's the issue, right,

421
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 1: but we do have to protect from that parent child

422
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Speaker 1: dynamic where there's you know, there's that I have to

423
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Speaker 1: make sure are asking for permission. We have to make

424
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Speaker 1: sure we're not doing that. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So if you're you know, if you're alone and

426
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,960
Speaker 3: you've done the work on yourself and you meet somebody

427
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Speaker 3: and they haven't done the work on themselves and Stirling,

428
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Speaker 3: I'll direct this question to you.

429
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Speaker 5: Do I seem like I've not done the work on myself?

430
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Speaker 5: Is what you're saying about. I don't know why, I

431
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Speaker 5: just want all right, it was wide open. It just

432
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Speaker 5: seemed appropriately understand for it.

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Speaker 3: So if you if you do and you're you know,

434
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Speaker 3: because you've been single for a little bit, we both

435
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,480
Speaker 3: have at least a few months or so, uh maybe

436
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,520
Speaker 3: a little bit longer, and you you focus on you know,

437
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:20,440
Speaker 3: it gets it kind of gets comfortable not having drama.

438
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Speaker 2: We talk about this too. Some people live for the drama.

439
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,640
Speaker 3: I don't have time quickly, right, There are there are

440
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,959
Speaker 3: This is my point, there are couples that you know,

441
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,480
Speaker 3: if you don't have drama, there's there's.

442
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,520
Speaker 5: Not that's a turn on for a lot of people. Yeah,

443
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,960
Speaker 5: but that's sort of like the thing on the side.

444
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,480
Speaker 5: You might get caught, she might get caught, whatever else

445
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 5: it is, you're not supposed to be doing it.

446
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 2: There's a lot of that energy that's a part of

447
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:43,440
Speaker 2: that from.

448
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 3: What I say, So, do you is there a point

449
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,479
Speaker 3: where you get comfortable and then your percentages of meeting

450
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,680
Speaker 3: somebody that that is.

451
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,919
Speaker 2: Done the work on themselves?

452
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 3: Because we're going to get into our next topic coming

453
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,520
Speaker 3: up at the top of the hour, dating in your

454
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,719
Speaker 3: fifties and dating after divorce and things like that. You know,

455
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,400
Speaker 3: do you feel like you when you put yourself out there?

456
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 2: And are you asking me? You're looking at me, but

457
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:09,119
Speaker 2: I mean there's.

458
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,400
Speaker 3: A I'm asking you when you put yourself out.

459
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,720
Speaker 2: There, right, I'm out there, what would I do?

460
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 3: What?

461
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 1: What?

462
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:18,720
Speaker 6: Well?

463
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 3: When you put yourself out there and you know you've

464
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,480
Speaker 3: done the work, are you looking for that in the

465
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 3: same person as well?

466
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,399
Speaker 2: Can you see well? I mean I spot that.

467
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 5: I'll say this, I have a tendency to be a

468
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 5: fixer and that becomes exhausting and tiring, and I'm done

469
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 5: with it. I'm glad to help things happen, but I

470
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:40,200
Speaker 5: am not the fixer. I'm not dad. If things go wrong,

471
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 5: that's great. But I do not need chaos and trauma

472
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,159
Speaker 5: and a need for some type of something to be

473
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,800
Speaker 5: fixed all the time. And there are some people who

474
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,679
Speaker 5: that is their world and either they can't break the cycle,

475
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,119
Speaker 5: they thrive in that cycle. They don't know better. I

476
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,680
Speaker 5: don't know. I got my own trouble. I don't need

477
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 5: that steamer trunk full of trash and garbage and weight

478
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,120
Speaker 5: of misery to carry with me. So and I may

479
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,359
Speaker 5: have my own from time that I'm too, there's no question.

480
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,159
Speaker 5: But so I've learned to sort of back away from

481
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,360
Speaker 5: there is something where I'm often drawn to that where

482
00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,080
Speaker 5: oh I can help you with that what's the problem?

483
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,359
Speaker 5: And I listening is good and I don't necessarily need

484
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 5: because as a guy, I think I'm wired to maybe

485
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 5: do the well, here's what I here's what you do,

486
00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:24,040
Speaker 5: here's how you fix it.

487
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 2: Let's go get pizza, right, And she just wanted to tell.

488
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 3: Me, But doesn't it sound like Sterling has healed something

489
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,720
Speaker 3: within himself because he knows the person that it's like

490
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:40,479
Speaker 3: a magnet that we all attract to heal the stuff

491
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,919
Speaker 3: within ourselves. That because we're with partners that are supposed

492
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 3: to awaken us to the stuff that we're supposed to heal.

493
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 3: Does it sound like he's healed something.

494
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:48,920
Speaker 1: I think he has.

495
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 5: Yeah, Oh I've got I've got other sickness. Don't worry

496
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,000
Speaker 5: about what the care.

497
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,439
Speaker 2: Taker the caretaker, Yeah, that's what it is.

498
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 3: He's completely done.

499
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 2: With Well, I mean I I it's come up.

500
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,480
Speaker 5: And then they ask for help, and then you give

501
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 5: the help, and then you do what they say and

502
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 5: they say that they need and then there's a resentment

503
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,720
Speaker 5: that I have witnessed an experience because somehow I did

504
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,080
Speaker 5: what they asked or needed or alluded to, but really

505
00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 5: they needed to just be left alone to handle it

506
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 5: because they think, well, why didn't you do this other stuff? Well,

507
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 5: maybe I was fixing your troubles. You know that happens.

508
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,200
Speaker 5: You get over that or you don't.

509
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 2: And then resentment builds.

510
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,399
Speaker 5: You can even say, well, I mean you know, and

511
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,520
Speaker 5: we've been there though. I mean, people have trauma and everything.

512
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 5: And if you're a partner and you're in that situation,

513
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,680
Speaker 5: and even if you're just cohabitating or living in sin

514
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,439
Speaker 5: as Mom would say, I've looked at that commitment no

515
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,800
Speaker 5: different than having a ring on my finger. Otherwise, why

516
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,679
Speaker 5: am I sharing a bed in a house with you

517
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,400
Speaker 5: in a lease or an ownership of a property. We're

518
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,760
Speaker 5: together now, you know. So if you're in that there

519
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,240
Speaker 5: are things that you work through together. But don't start

520
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,160
Speaker 5: just bringing me nonsensical trauma.

521
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,919
Speaker 2: I'm through. I'm not sixteen or seventeen or eighteen anymore.

522
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 1: I'm grown.

523
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 3: We talked about this doctor Wes on the previous show

524
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 3: Sterling and I did from six to nine. Djokovic is

525
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 3: playing in the Australian Final with Carlos Alcarez. He's thirty

526
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 3: eight and he'll be the oldest champion to win in

527
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 3: Australia if he wins tomorrow. Carlos Alcarez is twenty two,

528
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 3: and if he wins, he'll be the youngest.

529
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,440
Speaker 2: So it's kind of.

530
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 3: Age wisdom versus vitality and young legs and hustle and

531
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 3: everything like that.

532
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, and what have you learned?

533
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,879
Speaker 3: What have you learned that you can do better now

534
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 3: at the age of thirty eight versus twenty two. Yeah,

535
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,159
Speaker 3: it's and that's the point of life, wouldn't you say absolutely?

536
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, of course it does. Yeah. Wisdom, right, that's right,

537
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:53,160
Speaker 1: wisdom and life experience and helping people grow in emotional intelligence.

538
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 1: That's what I'm always trying to help people grow in.

539
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: It's so important. But yeah, we don't talk a lot.

540
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 1: We don't.

541
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,920
Speaker 2: Can you tell me what emotional and being.

542
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: A being able to name your emotions, being able to

543
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 1: work with them. So I hand out emotion wheels to

544
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 1: people all you know, in my office all the time,

545
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:13,400
Speaker 1: like what are you feeling right now? And they'll I'm frustrated,

546
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: Well tell me more, tell me more about that. So,

547
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 1: because if we can name it, then we can tame it.

548
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,159
Speaker 1: And if we can tame it, then it's not as

549
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,680
Speaker 1: scary to work with.

550
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's it's almost like you. It stops having

551
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,040
Speaker 3: power over you. Correct is the thing? Okay, we tease

552
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,280
Speaker 3: this before the break and I want to get into this.

553
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:34,359
Speaker 3: We just have a couple more minutes. How do you

554
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:39,199
Speaker 3: know when rebuilding trust is not possible? Like, when do

555
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,080
Speaker 3: you know that it's time for you to move on

556
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 3: from a relationship. You've done everything that you can to

557
00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:46,680
Speaker 3: try and build it. You've gone to see doctor Wes,

558
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 3: You've done the exercises that you've told them to do,

559
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,200
Speaker 3: and what Yeah.

560
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 2: When is it time to throw in the towel.

561
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,800
Speaker 1: When they've completely withdrawn from each other to the point

562
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 1: there they're sitting on the couch and they don't argue

563
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:06,399
Speaker 1: anymore at all. They're it's like they're just Okay, I'm

564
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: tired of having this conversation. It's like they're just really cold.

565
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:14,119
Speaker 1: They're really cold, and they are really empty with their emotions.

566
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 1: And that's when I know that the relationship's probably over.

567
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 1: In fact, I'll even say, have you all you know,

568
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,520
Speaker 1: we can continue working on this, but perhaps your relationship

569
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 1: has shifted in a way. Perhaps it's now moving on

570
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 1: to something else.

571
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 2: There's three green flags. I just read this, and I agree.

572
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 3: I agree so much that a healthy relationship has. One

573
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,520
Speaker 3: is that they're growing together. Two is that they're very

574
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,880
Speaker 3: kind to each other, like the soft, sweet things, right.

575
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,199
Speaker 3: And then the other thing is compassion, being able to

576
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,480
Speaker 3: put yourself in their shoes.

577
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 1: Yes.

578
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,200
Speaker 2: Empathy yes, and so that would be empathy.

579
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,080
Speaker 3: Would you agree with if a relationship has those three

580
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 3: things that absolutely willing, you've got a good You've.

581
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 1: Got a good thing. Yeah. But when you're contempt is

582
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: the biggest predictor of divorce or something. It's the biggest predictor.

583
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 1: So that's yes. And when I when I'm sitting in

584
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,119
Speaker 1: with a couple and they are so contemptuous towards one

585
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 1: another death, that's like being in ice. You in in

586
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 1: the emergency room with that, And.

587
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:22,360
Speaker 2: So role play with Sterling. What contempt.

588
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 1: Contempt?

589
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,159
Speaker 5: What do you think contempt is when you've you're frustrated,

590
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,360
Speaker 5: you're angry, and it's contentious no matter what's said and done.

591
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: Correct.

592
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:34,919
Speaker 2: There you go. See he doesn't.

593
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,679
Speaker 4: So it's like exactly.

594
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 2: And what you have to say? Yeah, I'm over.

595
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 3: Let's get to Dick from Dayton. He's called like ten times.

596
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,480
Speaker 3: Hey Dick, how's it going?

597
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,200
Speaker 7: Okay? How are you good?

598
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 2: What's up?

599
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 7: What did you think of that blizardly had?

600
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 4: Oh?

601
00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:03,719
Speaker 3: Boy, gosh, Dick, I will tell you. We're all cold.

602
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 3: It's the last day of January. We got February coming up,

603
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 3: and h yeah, it's still it's still cold, but we're

604
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 3: all dealing with it.

605
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 7: I've never seen anything I could remember, but you know,

606
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 7: it's not been much here at Stony Rich. They have

607
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,240
Speaker 7: little things. I could play music, yeah, I haven't played

608
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:26,680
Speaker 7: music in a week, and everything drifted up. So then Donna,

609
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,240
Speaker 7: you know, down and you could see the drifts and

610
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 7: I went to school Monday. I think it was Wednesday,

611
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 7: but the drifts were so high.

612
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:36,880
Speaker 2: I know it.

613
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 3: Dick, thank you for the call. I really appreciate it

614
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 3: and nice to always talk to you. So we're up

615
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 3: against the wall. As Sterling would say on time you

616
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 3: are back on air tomorrow, what do.

617
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:47,680
Speaker 2: You have going on noon?

618
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 5: Following ken Brew well to three, Yeah, We've going to

619
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,200
Speaker 5: Jeff Schaeffer. He's AI expert for University of Cincinnati. We

620
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 5: had him on a couple of weeks ago. He's going

621
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 5: to join me and to talk about job stuff and

622
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 5: what you can and do if you're afraid that the

623
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 5: AI is coming for you, or you got kids that

624
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 5: are coming up and you're in a situation shoring up

625
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 5: some of those skills to where you're still going to

626
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 5: be a value and a purpose and have an earning

627
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 5: opportunity because it's coming fast and furious. We'll also talk

628
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 5: a little bit about Crosley Tower going bye bye on

629
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 5: the UC campus. That big brutalist building and a continuous

630
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,560
Speaker 5: concrete porter is going away, So the landmarks and stuff

631
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 5: like that. Wells and fun who knows, I mean, as

632
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,920
Speaker 5: fast as the news is who knows what tomorrow brings.

633
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 2: All right, Well, thanks for staying with us drive back home,

634
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,600
Speaker 2: for getting into my business and calling me the problem O.

635
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 2: I love doing that and mixing. Yeah, absolutely, thank you,

636
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 2: doctor West.

637
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 3: It's good to see doctor Wes. We're on until midnight tonight.

638
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 3: So we got another segment. We're going to talk about

639
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 3: dating in your fifties. We're back news, weather and traffic

640
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,719
Speaker 3: coming up. It's don A D seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati.

641
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 8: Some of them are you know, online and some of

642
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 8: it is meeting people and you know, a live setting.

643
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 8: And I started going to san volleyball and and then

644
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,400
Speaker 8: I went to some music events, and you know, eventually

645
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 8: I I did some co hosting of an event. And

646
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,040
Speaker 8: one of the first events that I co hosted was

647
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,520
Speaker 8: a festival in Charonville where under the Sun, which we

648
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 8: went and saw tonight and it was such a fun Yeah,

649
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,000
Speaker 8: and the Whammies and as another one, you know, it

650
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 8: was just hey, we're we're going to be here, let's

651
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 8: all meet up there, you know, and you know, we

652
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 8: just say, hey, we're going to be in this section,

653
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 8: and you know, people will RSVP and come. And that's

654
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 8: where I met Tony, so he was. I had never

655
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 8: met him before, and you know it, and and and

656
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:46,360
Speaker 8: we didn't start dating right away. We were we were friends,

657
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 8: but there was just this chemistry there. And we both

658
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 8: grew up in Chicago, so you know, it a lot

659
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 8: of commonality there. And and I actually started dating somebody

660
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 8: different for a period of time, and you know, it

661
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 8: just he wasn't my person, and I knew that he

662
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 8: wasn't my person. And Tony and I just, you know,

663
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 8: we we we were friends. We would see each other

664
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 8: at a canoeing event or another music event and we

665
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:14,960
Speaker 8: just talked.

666
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,720
Speaker 2: And you know.

667
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 8: One day we got together for coffee and six hours later,

668
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:25,080
Speaker 8: you know, it was it was just a really good connection.

669
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 2: And you know that other relationship ended. And you know

670
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 2: that was.

671
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 8: October twentieth of last year, or of twenty twenty four.

672
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 8: So yeah, we've been together for going on sixteen months now.

673
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,960
Speaker 2: So were you purposefully looking at me? Okay? No, I wasn't.

674
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 8: And I've never done online you know, dating or anything

675
00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:51,440
Speaker 8: like that. For me, it was about forming adult relationships

676
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 8: just because I just felt like, I mean, I I'm

677
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 8: not originally from this area. I mean, I grew up

678
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 8: in Chicago and I and I've moved in and I've

679
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 8: only been in the Loveland area for about four years,

680
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,960
Speaker 8: and I just wanted adult friends, and so it gave

681
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 8: me a platform to meet people and and and do

682
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 8: things that others had interests that I had. So so

683
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 8: it was it was It wasn't about that, you know,

684
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:23,760
Speaker 8: we met up at a music event and you know,

685
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,360
Speaker 8: next thing we know, we're dating.

686
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 2: And sixteen months later and we do.

687
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 8: We have a lot of fun together and a lot

688
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 8: of common interests, and music is definitely one of them.

689
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm curious about trust for you all, and how

690
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 1: you've been able to trust each other after what's happened

691
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 1: and maybe in previous relationships.

692
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:49,840
Speaker 8: Yeah, you know, I think for us, we started as friends,

693
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:54,160
Speaker 8: so you know, I mean, it wasn't like we were

694
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 8: in a relationship right away. So for us, at least

695
00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:01,960
Speaker 8: from my perspective, we talked a lot. You know, we

696
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 8: became friends and built a relationship around friendship so evolved naturally.

697
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 3: It wasn't about like going and not that there's anything

698
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 3: wrong with going and wanting to find your person, but

699
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,280
Speaker 3: it was a friendship that evolved.

700
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:19,799
Speaker 8: It was it was so I mean, I feel like

701
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,720
Speaker 8: We've been able to confide in each other even before

702
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 8: we started dating, and you know, we you know, we

703
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,840
Speaker 8: talk about everything. I mean, we've we've both been in

704
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 8: very bad relationships and that have been very painful, and

705
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,879
Speaker 8: we've been able to listen. I heard you Christ talking

706
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:45,200
Speaker 8: about empathy earlier and having empathy for what we go

707
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 8: through and just being there to listen and not judge.

708
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:54,200
Speaker 8: And I I feel like I have complete trust in

709
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:58,520
Speaker 8: him and that hasn't that hasn't been an issue for

710
00:34:58,760 --> 00:34:59,520
Speaker 8: me personally.

711
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 2: Tony nodding your head, do you feel the same way?

712
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:02,799
Speaker 1: Absolutely?

713
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:03,440
Speaker 2: Okay.

714
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 3: I mean, because here's this is such a cute story.

715
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:11,879
Speaker 3: And when you're around the two of them, Doctor Wes,

716
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:15,879
Speaker 3: they they kind of have this energy that emanates by

717
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,359
Speaker 3: themselves and between each other. It's like they know themselves

718
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,840
Speaker 3: and then they have this connection here as well that

719
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 3: almost brings out, you know, the best in each other.

720
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:32,080
Speaker 3: So what I'm going to ask you is obviously dating

721
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,839
Speaker 3: in your fifties or dating after divorce becomes a very

722
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 3: vulnerable thing. Not everybody becomes friends and meets up and

723
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,920
Speaker 3: has fun and that kind of stuff, and has the

724
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:47,359
Speaker 3: relationship evolved the way that they have it's wonderful that

725
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,400
Speaker 3: they have had that happen. But if you're vulnerable, what

726
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 3: would you say to somebody that wants to get back

727
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:53,240
Speaker 3: out there again?

728
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 4: Is it just do it?

729
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,839
Speaker 2: Or do you want to make sure that you're good

730
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:59,400
Speaker 2: before you do that? What are the tips you.

731
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,880
Speaker 1: Would need to yourself? I think first, so that you

732
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:05,840
Speaker 1: don't go out and try and seek healing in that relationship.

733
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 1: I think that that's just a better way of doing that.

734
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you both have kids, right, how do the

735
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,759
Speaker 3: kids deal with the relationship?

736
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:16,320
Speaker 2: Are they supportive of it on both sides?

737
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,520
Speaker 8: Well, I'll tell you my daughter, Peyton, she's fifteen now,

738
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 8: and at the time we started dating, she was fourteen,

739
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 8: and it was very hard for her, you know, it

740
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:31,880
Speaker 8: was it was slow. We've definitely been very slow about

741
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 8: introducing her in the relationship, so it you know, it

742
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,000
Speaker 8: was just a little bit at a time.

743
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 2: And I mean it's really only been.

744
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,879
Speaker 8: I'd say probably the last few months where we've been

745
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:47,120
Speaker 8: doing more things together and and she actually knows his

746
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 8: son and we've done things together, went to dinner the

747
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 8: other night, and you know, they thought we were all

748
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:57,160
Speaker 8: a family, you know, And it's kind of gotten to

749
00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 8: the point where they joke and sometimes we'll call each

750
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,320
Speaker 8: other siblings, you know, so it's cute.

751
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 2: But it wasn't like that at the beginning.

752
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,640
Speaker 8: I think she was very resentful and it's it's not

753
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,160
Speaker 8: anything to do with Tony. It has to do with

754
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 8: the fact that it's somebody other than her dad and

755
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:17,520
Speaker 8: that was really hard for her, just me not being

756
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 8: with her dad.

757
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,440
Speaker 3: Doctor West talked about that because I know a lot

758
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 3: of blended families go through that as well.

759
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 2: What would you say to that.

760
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:31,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's about loyalty. Conflict is the is the term there?

761
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:31,520
Speaker 3: Like?

762
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,080
Speaker 1: Who do I? Who am I loyal to? Right? And

763
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:35,960
Speaker 1: is it okay for me to feel the emotions I

764
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: feel right now? Is it okay to feel excitement or

765
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,520
Speaker 1: or not? And can I share that open?

766
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,920
Speaker 3: And my dad is okay with her being with then

767
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,240
Speaker 3: I'll be okay with it. Right If he has a problem,

768
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:50,879
Speaker 3: I don't know what I'm going to do, right.

769
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, yeah, exactly right.

770
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,600
Speaker 3: So, so it sounds like you guys took that slow,

771
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,880
Speaker 3: which is also a good thing, and you've kind of made.

772
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,279
Speaker 2: It like, well, Tony's to be around for a little bit.

773
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 3: I'm sure there was was there any kind of energy

774
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:07,800
Speaker 3: from your daughter that says, my mom is being taken

775
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 3: away from She's now in another relationship, and does it

776
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 3: pull your time with her?

777
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:14,600
Speaker 2: Does she even care about them?

778
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 3: You know what?

779
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:19,080
Speaker 2: I have her twenty four to seven all the time, so.

780
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 8: It's always been I always make her a priority, you know.

781
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,240
Speaker 8: So it's that time with her is really really important.

782
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 8: And you know, fortunately or unfortunately, she's at an age

783
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:36,440
Speaker 8: now where she's doing more things socially, So it's she's

784
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 8: not that she doesn't want to hang out with me,

785
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 8: but but she kind of doesn't. I mean, she's with

786
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 8: she was with a friend last night, she's with a

787
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 8: friend tonight. So I think she's just getting to the

788
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 8: age where you know, she's going to spend more time

789
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:52,759
Speaker 8: with other people. I don't feel like she resents the

790
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:55,879
Speaker 8: time that we spend together. I don't feel that at all.

791
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,879
Speaker 8: I do feel like we have very good quality time

792
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:00,359
Speaker 8: and I make sure of that.

793
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,880
Speaker 3: So online dating is the number one way right now

794
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,680
Speaker 3: for people to meet other people. What I want to

795
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:12,240
Speaker 3: know if I went three for nine, seven thousand, eight hundred,

796
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:16,879
Speaker 3: the big one, have you met somebody that's not on

797
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 3: online dating? Like? How else have you met somebody meet up.

798
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,880
Speaker 3: This is how Tracy and Tony have met. It was

799
00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:29,160
Speaker 3: still online. But you get out and start socializing with

800
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,040
Speaker 3: things that you like to do. And you I like

801
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 3: the term you meet up to go watch bands or

802
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 3: play sand volleyball and things like that. What other ways

803
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,920
Speaker 3: are you meeting people? And listen, I have no problem

804
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,759
Speaker 3: with online dating. I know so many people that have

805
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:47,239
Speaker 3: met the loves of their lives online, including you know,

806
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 3: people in my family that that are completely happy with

807
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 3: their partner right now who they have met on bumble

808
00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 3: and other social online dating.

809
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 2: For worms, what is it about online?

810
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:08,200
Speaker 3: Because we're all still human beings and we still go

811
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,480
Speaker 3: to work, and we still go to church, and we

812
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:13,640
Speaker 3: still go to you know, the grocery stores and stuff

813
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,440
Speaker 3: like that. It might not be as often as we

814
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:20,360
Speaker 3: used to. But doctor West, why are we so involved

815
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:24,120
Speaker 3: in online dating? And has it hurt marriages? Because there's

816
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:25,759
Speaker 3: so many opportunities out there.

817
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, the online dating is novelty, so you're constantly seeing

818
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: someone new and it's almost like, Donnie, I laugh because

819
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 1: you said it's like shopping, right. I don't know in

820
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,799
Speaker 1: a way right, because you're like, but see that that

821
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: can be that can be a drawbacks, right, No, no, no, right,

822
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:44,480
Speaker 1: because you're making.

823
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 3: The first time I've ever done onlining onlining dating and

824
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:51,680
Speaker 3: last couple of months, right, and it is interesting, and

825
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 3: it is it's like social media.

826
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:54,920
Speaker 2: It's like scrolling.

827
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,799
Speaker 3: I mean it's like all right, no, nope, and you

828
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,400
Speaker 3: pass on people maybe they would be great, I don't know.

829
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,319
Speaker 3: It's like trying on a parent jeans. You don't know

830
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 3: until you get in the dressing room to fit. And

831
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:09,719
Speaker 3: a friend of mine, Carrie, always says, you have to

832
00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 3: go out, you have to go out with somebody three

833
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,359
Speaker 3: times to see if it works. I have been out

834
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,360
Speaker 3: with Someboddy where what took me one time? And I

835
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:23,719
Speaker 3: was like nope, no, never again exactly. So, uh is

836
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 3: there is this going to be the continued trend? Do

837
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:27,359
Speaker 3: you see it going away at all?

838
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,239
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, it's going to be here. It's going

839
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,440
Speaker 1: to be here. It's just the way our culture is developing.

840
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: And but the drawback is you're making those snap decisions

841
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,520
Speaker 1: so quickly, and and that's really where and.

842
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:41,799
Speaker 3: Even people that are that are still married, there's like

843
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:45,959
Speaker 3: studies that they're on there and and it's because maybe

844
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:46,520
Speaker 3: they're bored.

845
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:47,720
Speaker 2: They've been married for ten.

846
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,440
Speaker 3: Years and they don't have the relationship they want with

847
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 3: their partner. And so you know, you're constantly seeing all

848
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:57,839
Speaker 3: these people. And on the on the flip side of that,

849
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 3: there are so many people are alone and don't like

850
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,239
Speaker 3: being alone, don't like being lonely or feeling lonely. And

851
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 3: I think that's something everybody should go through, is feeling

852
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:14,440
Speaker 3: alone being you know, don't give your home into another

853
00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 3: human being. You have to feel secure in yourself in

854
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 3: order to build on any relationship that you have. So

855
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:28,240
Speaker 3: how important is it for somebody to wait a little

856
00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 3: bit and not rush just because you feel pings of loneliness?

857
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,799
Speaker 1: Yeah? I see. It's serial dating, right, and relationships that

858
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,879
Speaker 1: repeat the same patterns. If you don't address what went

859
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:43,400
Speaker 1: wrong in the previous relationship, likely you're going to repeat

860
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,800
Speaker 1: it again, right, And so you have to go inward

861
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 1: and you have to ask yourself do that autopsy, like

862
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:52,000
Speaker 1: what I said earlier about asking yourself what went wrong?

863
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 1: What am I trying to do in this relationship that's

864
00:42:55,960 --> 00:43:00,200
Speaker 1: not working? And so then then you can try and

865
00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 1: ask yourself the tough questions, do the deep digging. Go

866
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 1: see a therapist, somebody who or a coach, someone who

867
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:10,840
Speaker 1: can really help you confront those vulnerabilities within yourself, because

868
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:14,920
Speaker 1: hurt people hurt people right, and you don't want to

869
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:15,239
Speaker 1: do that.

870
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 3: I think one of the important things is time alone.

871
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:24,360
Speaker 3: I mean, listen, I was married for twenty years, and

872
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,240
Speaker 3: we had a very happy marriage for a long time,

873
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:33,319
Speaker 3: sixteen seventeen years. We were happy, and we both went

874
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:36,960
Speaker 3: we're still very good friends. Actually he's in Los Angeles.

875
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,719
Speaker 3: I'm here in Cincinnati. But when we did split and

876
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:43,319
Speaker 3: it took us a while to divorce, I went out

877
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,319
Speaker 3: with somebody, and he went out with someone, and the

878
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:47,880
Speaker 3: four of us used to go have dinner. It's weird,

879
00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:51,080
Speaker 3: but it was such a friendly relationship and we knew

880
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:54,399
Speaker 3: that it was kind of over. But after I got

881
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,680
Speaker 3: off out with the boyfriend that I had after my marriage,

882
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,720
Speaker 3: I said, I'm going to be single, to be single

883
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:03,680
Speaker 3: for a long time. For a minute, and he just

884
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:07,080
Speaker 3: went to another girl and another girl, and he's never

885
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:10,280
Speaker 3: been alone. And I feel like you're missing an opportunity

886
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:15,359
Speaker 3: here to like look inward and not leave your emotional

887
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:17,440
Speaker 3: stuff in somebody else's.

888
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:21,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's scary, it's really scary to do that work, though, right,

889
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 1: it's easier to just avoid it so scary.

890
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:25,080
Speaker 2: It can be so scary.

891
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 3: I mean sometimes, you know, I didn't even know if

892
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 3: I could go any deeper to some of these.

893
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,440
Speaker 2: Hard, lonely, scary feelings.

894
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:38,759
Speaker 3: But once, and we talked about this earlier, once you

895
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 3: acknowledge that you have these feelings, there's a level that

896
00:44:43,239 --> 00:44:45,719
Speaker 3: they stop having power over you, and then you get

897
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:47,000
Speaker 3: super strong about it.

898
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:53,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, experiential avoidance. You're avoiding the experience, that's the term. Yeah,

899
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 1: I mean.

900
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:56,560
Speaker 3: Maybe this conversation is all about getting strong because you

901
00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,520
Speaker 3: both are nodding. By the way, did you feel like

902
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,800
Speaker 3: a strong wrong woman when you met him and Tony

903
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 3: the same, like you had done the work on yourself?

904
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:06,680
Speaker 2: Tracy absolutely.

905
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:10,839
Speaker 8: When I you know, when I filed for divorce, I

906
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 8: started therapy immediately, and I went to therapy. It wasn't weekly,

907
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,680
Speaker 8: it was probably bi weekly for a long time, and

908
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:21,880
Speaker 8: then then I started moving to monthly.

909
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:23,520
Speaker 2: Wow.

910
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:27,879
Speaker 3: But you went to therapy immediately because you knew, yeah,

911
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:29,120
Speaker 3: you had some work to do.

912
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 2: And there's a moment in everybody's life when you say, all.

913
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,719
Speaker 3: Right, it's not that it's me, I really need to

914
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:40,000
Speaker 3: work on myself before I can get into any other relationship.

915
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:40,959
Speaker 2: We're up against the wall.

916
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 3: What has made you strong in this life? I mean,

917
00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:48,560
Speaker 3: single mothers, I think are the strongest people on the planet.

918
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 3: I have had many in my family and friends who've

919
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,840
Speaker 3: been single mothers, and I really feel like those people

920
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:55,400
Speaker 3: have had to dig deep.

921
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:56,320
Speaker 2: But what did it?

922
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:59,120
Speaker 3: What has happened to you that has made you strong

923
00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:02,919
Speaker 3: in your life? Three seven thousand. We're gonna get back

924
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,400
Speaker 3: with that. Tracy and Tony, thank you so much for

925
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,400
Speaker 3: coming in and sharing your story, and you know I

926
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:11,839
Speaker 3: love it. And we'll definitely be spending some time at

927
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 3: the super Bowl. Are we doing the super Bowl? Okay, good,

928
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:18,240
Speaker 3: We'll be back, Dona, d Doctor Wes. It's seven hundred

929
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:23,800
Speaker 3: WLW Cincinnati. H not just Cincinnati. It's pretty chilly everywhere

930
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:27,520
Speaker 3: in the country. I mean odd numbers all over the place,

931
00:46:27,719 --> 00:46:29,080
Speaker 3: in Florida.

932
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:29,480
Speaker 2: And everything else.

933
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:33,000
Speaker 3: We were talking about even called in Nashville. What's the

934
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 3: temperature in Nashville right now? That's not much warmer than

935
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:42,480
Speaker 3: here ICs conditions. Thankfully, we all have power. That was

936
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:45,000
Speaker 3: the one thing I was praying. Thank on we have power.

937
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:48,960
Speaker 3: Saturday night, Donnade along with my buddy, doctor Wes, licensed

938
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:53,400
Speaker 3: marriage family therapist out of Nashville. We've had an interesting

939
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 3: conversation tonight about trust and and what happens when the

940
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:02,239
Speaker 3: trust breaks and you you can't get over it. It's

941
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,200
Speaker 3: one of the things that are coming up in your

942
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:08,360
Speaker 3: couples and coaching in mine as well. Are these trust

943
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:14,320
Speaker 3: issues mainly from you know, infidelity and or lying. Lying

944
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 3: is a big one. We went over that earlier today.

945
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:22,920
Speaker 3: And then what happens when you don't trust anymore and

946
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:27,000
Speaker 3: it's time to end a partnership of marriage, then it's divorce?

947
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 2: And how hard is that?

948
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 3: And it can be challenging to get over these feelings,

949
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:37,319
Speaker 3: But it's the tough things in life that make you

950
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:40,360
Speaker 3: really strong. Those are the things that you got to

951
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:42,759
Speaker 3: dig deep. I know my divorce was one of those

952
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:46,520
Speaker 3: things where I really had to rely on myself. I mean,

953
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,200
Speaker 3: I have friends and a twin sister that I speak with,

954
00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:53,920
Speaker 3: you know, on a daily basis, But when it comes

955
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:55,600
Speaker 3: down to it, you have to do the work and

956
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:56,880
Speaker 3: you have to do it on your own.

957
00:47:57,560 --> 00:47:59,600
Speaker 2: So what has made you strong in life?

958
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:03,520
Speaker 3: Three seven four nine, seven thousand, one eight hundred the

959
00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:03,879
Speaker 3: big one?

960
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:04,440
Speaker 2: Has it been?

961
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:08,760
Speaker 3: Raising kids, maybe on your own single parents. I can't

962
00:48:08,840 --> 00:48:11,520
Speaker 3: imagine a tougher job than being a single mom or

963
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,560
Speaker 3: a single dad. Maybe it was losing someone you love,

964
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 3: You know, those moments that you know there is nice

965
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:22,759
Speaker 3: when you coast in life and everything's good, But that

966
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:24,920
Speaker 3: doesn't stay that way for very long.

967
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:27,839
Speaker 2: So, doctor Wes, what do you do?

968
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:33,319
Speaker 3: We're talking about those scary feelings right of loneliness or

969
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:37,440
Speaker 3: unworthiness or comparing your life to somebody else's, which is

970
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:40,479
Speaker 3: a horrible thing to do. What advice would you give

971
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:45,680
Speaker 3: to be able to not only bear those feelings but

972
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,480
Speaker 3: actually overcome them.

973
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:49,040
Speaker 2: How do you do?

974
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:53,920
Speaker 1: Yeah? Overcoming them? Yeah, said number one. Bearing the emotions

975
00:48:54,040 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 1: is tough enough because it's a lot of people don't have,

976
00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:02,400
Speaker 1: like the the foundational skills to be able to do that,

977
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 1: because they don't have the emotional vocabulary even do that.

978
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 1: Sometimes they don't know what they're feeling, so it's very confusing.

979
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: But if I can get them to name it, if

980
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,040
Speaker 1: I can get them to experience it, then what I

981
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,560
Speaker 1: do is I actually have them put that emotion in

982
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 1: a chair and then we talk to that emotion as

983
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:25,680
Speaker 1: so we actually create, like we personify it. So if

984
00:49:25,719 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 1: you can talk to your sadness right now, what is

985
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 1: it saying to you that's interesting? What do you want

986
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:34,400
Speaker 1: to say back to it? Right What does it need

987
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,640
Speaker 1: for you to know about the situation? What is it

988
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:39,600
Speaker 1: afraid's going to happen if it lifts, if the sadness lifts,

989
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:42,359
Speaker 1: what is it afraid's going to happen. Maybe it's there

990
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:44,840
Speaker 1: to protect you, Maybe it's there to keep you safe.

991
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:49,120
Speaker 2: Do you think people are addicted to their pain?

992
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. They certainly can be. It's comfortable. It's a

993
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 1: lot better than the alternative of not knowing.

994
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:58,560
Speaker 3: Or that they're having to do something about it. And

995
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:02,880
Speaker 3: like so, for instance, since if I'm feeling, you know, lonely,

996
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:09,680
Speaker 3: right when I have the thoughts of that or I

997
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,640
Speaker 3: feel that, I will sit and breathe and let it

998
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:17,000
Speaker 3: come up. I try not to repress it, right, I

999
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:23,040
Speaker 3: let it come up. And then when I say, okay,

1000
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,239
Speaker 3: what do you got for me? What do you want

1001
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:28,279
Speaker 3: me to feel? And then it kind of moves on.

1002
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:34,839
Speaker 3: And every time that happens, I get it's like a

1003
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:39,400
Speaker 3: big wave. And then the waves get smaller and smaller

1004
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,960
Speaker 3: and smaller, and then I feel like I got it,

1005
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:45,440
Speaker 3: and I don't feel lonely anymore. It's something like I

1006
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:48,600
Speaker 3: said in the previous break my ex husband, who were

1007
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,799
Speaker 3: still very good friends. He's never been alone since the

1008
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,279
Speaker 3: time I met him, and he was twenty two when

1009
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:55,120
Speaker 3: I met him, and I was.

1010
00:50:55,080 --> 00:51:01,239
Speaker 2: Twenty four from us on been by himself.

1011
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:05,240
Speaker 3: How do you Is it possible to get that type

1012
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:09,320
Speaker 3: of growth when you're constantly with a partner.

1013
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:16,680
Speaker 1: Well, first, my first inclination would be to say no,

1014
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:21,360
Speaker 1: because you're really depending on the other person to create

1015
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 1: your identity, and so I think that if you're with

1016
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,480
Speaker 1: someone who's healthy themselves, then they can support you and

1017
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:31,359
Speaker 1: your development as an individual. But if you all are

1018
00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 1: codependent on each other, then neither one of you are

1019
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:38,239
Speaker 1: really differentiating is the term that I use on that.

1020
00:51:38,400 --> 00:51:41,520
Speaker 1: So no, I think that it really depends on the

1021
00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 1: healthiness of your partner.

1022
00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:47,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, so if you're both continuing to grow, then you'll

1023
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,759
Speaker 3: both continue to do the work on your own because

1024
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:53,880
Speaker 3: you can, I mean in relationships, and they're a huge

1025
00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:57,879
Speaker 3: mirror of what you're going through. Right, If you learn

1026
00:51:57,920 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 3: how to communicate with your partner, could be the biggest

1027
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:03,000
Speaker 3: growth period of your life.

1028
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:05,560
Speaker 2: You could be when you're so, I agree with you.

1029
00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, if it married people, it kind of brings out

1030
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 3: the insanity. Or you know, people that have partners period,

1031
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:14,400
Speaker 3: they don't have to be married. They can be like

1032
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:17,879
Speaker 3: Tony and Tracy and they're dating even and it kind

1033
00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:21,440
Speaker 3: of brings out the insanity and you can say, oh,

1034
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:22,640
Speaker 3: I can see.

1035
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,839
Speaker 2: That's in me too, and then learn to talk about

1036
00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:26,839
Speaker 2: it and figure it out.

1037
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:30,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's healthy to grow in that way, right, But

1038
00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:33,360
Speaker 1: if one person's afraid of growing, then they can go

1039
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:37,160
Speaker 1: into more defensive emotions. They can move into criticism, contempt,

1040
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 1: the four horsemen we've talked about many weeks ago. Uh,

1041
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 1: those behaviors because it's meant to push people away. So

1042
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:46,120
Speaker 1: I want couples to turn towards each other instead of

1043
00:52:46,160 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: turning away from each other. They need to turn towards

1044
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:49,359
Speaker 1: each other.

1045
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:51,600
Speaker 3: You know, when you just said that, it reminded me

1046
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,680
Speaker 3: of something when couples don't grow, if one person wants

1047
00:52:54,719 --> 00:52:57,319
Speaker 3: to grow and the other one doesn't. So when I

1048
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,640
Speaker 3: was married, when first I mean years, when I was

1049
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:03,120
Speaker 3: early on married, I think we were maybe even married

1050
00:53:03,160 --> 00:53:05,799
Speaker 3: a year or two. And I saw this book and

1051
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,520
Speaker 3: I got it. I saw an interview with this guy,

1052
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 3: and I bought this book.

1053
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 2: It was on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

1054
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:15,080
Speaker 3: This is how long ago it was, and I bought

1055
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:18,360
Speaker 3: the book and I realized that this book that I

1056
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 3: bought was going to be life changing.

1057
00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:22,520
Speaker 2: And so I went to Matt.

1058
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:25,960
Speaker 3: And I told him, will you read this book with me?

1059
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:30,240
Speaker 3: And he didn't want to, and I thought, all right,

1060
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:32,520
Speaker 3: this is not going to be good for our relationship.

1061
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:36,439
Speaker 3: Back then, I mean a year into it, and I thought,

1062
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,480
Speaker 3: all right, I'm going to set this book aside. Fast

1063
00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:43,520
Speaker 3: forward maybe ten years later. We're living in la and

1064
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 3: we're having issues, and I was like, where the heck

1065
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:50,120
Speaker 3: did I put that book? Right? And so I find

1066
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:52,360
Speaker 3: it and the book is called The Seat of the

1067
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:55,920
Speaker 3: Soul by Gary Zukoff. And the premise of the book

1068
00:53:56,080 --> 00:54:00,480
Speaker 3: is that you have two choices to make in your life,

1069
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,719
Speaker 3: and you make them over and over again all day,

1070
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:05,520
Speaker 3: every single day. You can come from love and fear,

1071
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:07,800
Speaker 3: love and trust, or fear in doubt.

1072
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:08,719
Speaker 2: Right.

1073
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:13,359
Speaker 3: So, for instance, if I'm sitting in traffic and I'm

1074
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 3: getting impatient and I honk and I'm you know, the

1075
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:20,839
Speaker 3: worst case of flipping people off, that's living in fear

1076
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:25,200
Speaker 3: and doubt. Impatience is a fear, doubting that I'm ever

1077
00:54:25,239 --> 00:54:27,840
Speaker 3: going to get away from this idiot in front of me,

1078
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:30,839
Speaker 3: that kind of stuff, whereas love and trust I'll be

1079
00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 3: I'll practice my patience. I'm not going to react to

1080
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:37,600
Speaker 3: this traffic jam that's going on. I'm going to sit

1081
00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:40,120
Speaker 3: with the energy I feel in my body, and that

1082
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:46,359
Speaker 3: goes with relationships. There are plenty of opportunities to use

1083
00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:49,560
Speaker 3: love and trust versus fear in doubt. Right, absolutely, you

1084
00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:51,960
Speaker 3: didn't take out the trash. I told you now, you

1085
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:53,960
Speaker 3: never do what I want you to do. But just

1086
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:59,720
Speaker 3: a ridiculous example, right, realistic, realistic? Right, And so they're annoyed,

1087
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:03,720
Speaker 3: which a fear and resentment, which is a fear and angry,

1088
00:55:03,760 --> 00:55:05,800
Speaker 3: which is a fear instead of.

1089
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,080
Speaker 2: He's been had a long day.

1090
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:10,040
Speaker 3: I'm going to take the trash out and not say

1091
00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:12,440
Speaker 3: a word about it. That would be love and trust.

1092
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:16,440
Speaker 3: So the more I and I got so into this book,

1093
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:22,319
Speaker 3: I went to a seminar with Gary Zukoff and down

1094
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:29,319
Speaker 3: in Los Angeles and actually who knows Seinfeld, Michael what's

1095
00:55:29,360 --> 00:55:32,160
Speaker 3: his name? Who was Kramer? He was a partner of mine.

1096
00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:35,239
Speaker 3: In one of the episodes, he was there during that

1097
00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 3: and I became a three year Authentic Power program. I

1098
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,239
Speaker 3: signed up for that, and so my marriage and I

1099
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:44,480
Speaker 3: knew it was going to go like that. My marriage

1100
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,680
Speaker 3: went I went here and he went here. In our relationship,

1101
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:50,799
Speaker 3: there was this grand canyon between us, and that's kind

1102
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:53,960
Speaker 3: of ultimately what happened is that I wanted to evolve

1103
00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:54,600
Speaker 3: and he did not.

1104
00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:56,440
Speaker 2: And how.

1105
00:55:57,960 --> 00:56:01,439
Speaker 3: I mean I almost had regrets of me evolving because

1106
00:56:01,440 --> 00:56:02,239
Speaker 3: I knew it was going to.

1107
00:56:02,239 --> 00:56:04,760
Speaker 2: Tear a relationship apart. How often does that happen?

1108
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:09,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's really good what you said there, because it

1109
00:56:09,239 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 1: illustrates that one partner has an inability to meet you

1110
00:56:13,600 --> 00:56:17,120
Speaker 1: where you are and they don't want perhaps they're afraid

1111
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:19,840
Speaker 1: to do that, or they just don't want to, and

1112
00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:24,360
Speaker 1: the relationship has now graduated into a different formation. You

1113
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,080
Speaker 1: all became friends, well, you were already friends.

1114
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:29,640
Speaker 2: We were. I met him.

1115
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:33,279
Speaker 3: What was interesting back in the day when we were

1116
00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:36,040
Speaker 3: all in radio. Back then you were in KF and

1117
00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:39,359
Speaker 3: Dayton and I was at Kiss FM, and you know,

1118
00:56:39,960 --> 00:56:42,400
Speaker 3: I just moved to Cincinnati not too long ago, and

1119
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:44,160
Speaker 3: he was in a band here, and he was in

1120
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:46,839
Speaker 3: a popular band here, and I would go see him

1121
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:49,600
Speaker 3: at like one of the biggest shows, and he got

1122
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:51,560
Speaker 3: off stage and we both kind of hit it off

1123
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:55,480
Speaker 3: from there. It was really immediate. It wasn't a friendship relationship.

1124
00:56:55,520 --> 00:57:00,960
Speaker 3: It was an intimate relationship from jump like Tony and

1125
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:04,000
Speaker 3: Tracy's who were here previous telling their story how they

1126
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:06,680
Speaker 3: had to they build a relationship.

1127
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 2: I don't think we never had that.

1128
00:57:08,440 --> 00:57:12,040
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, so it was kind of all in from

1129
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:16,280
Speaker 3: the moment I met him. But I mean, there's gonna

1130
00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:20,800
Speaker 3: be issues and challenges with everybody. And Chris Rock has

1131
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:24,120
Speaker 3: a really funny bit where he says married people are

1132
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 3: bored and single people are lonely.

1133
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:28,400
Speaker 2: Nobody's happy, right.

1134
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:33,560
Speaker 3: So, like they're all opportunities to grow, whether you're with

1135
00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:37,080
Speaker 3: somebody or not. What do you think is the most

1136
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:40,200
Speaker 3: important thing to start the journey of growing, whether you're

1137
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 3: with a partner or whether you're on your own.

1138
00:57:43,880 --> 00:57:48,920
Speaker 1: That's definitely looking inward asking yourself what am I afraid of?

1139
00:57:49,760 --> 00:57:52,400
Speaker 1: That's I'd like what you said earlier about fear. What

1140
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:54,280
Speaker 1: am I really afraid of? Because I think the way

1141
00:57:54,320 --> 00:57:58,560
Speaker 1: that we respond is really about protecting ourselves all the time.

1142
00:57:59,480 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 3: Usually protecting ourselves from what well it can be other

1143
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:05,160
Speaker 3: people's opinions.

1144
00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 1: That could happen. It's usually when I work with people,

1145
00:58:07,720 --> 00:58:11,720
Speaker 1: it's childhood wounds. It goes back to childhood, you know,

1146
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:14,160
Speaker 1: it goes back to what happened in childhood, and it

1147
00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 1: goes back to those beliefs that you internalized about yourself

1148
00:58:17,240 --> 00:58:21,440
Speaker 1: as a child, and that's kind of the template that

1149
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:23,880
Speaker 1: you then relate to other people later in life.

1150
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,640
Speaker 3: Okay, so you were told that you were this, that

1151
00:58:27,760 --> 00:58:31,400
Speaker 3: and the other as a kid, and maybe you were

1152
00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:35,600
Speaker 3: bullied in school by and this is still happening to

1153
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:41,840
Speaker 3: this day, or somebody said you can do anything for

1154
00:58:41,920 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 3: this life. You can be who you want to be,

1155
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:47,360
Speaker 3: and you have had support your whole life. So the

1156
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:51,480
Speaker 3: different paths will and I've heard this and tell me

1157
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:54,040
Speaker 3: if I'm wrong on this, is that you would seek

1158
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:59,080
Speaker 3: out the person you were going to marry from your

1159
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:03,439
Speaker 3: childhood wounds so that you can heal them.

1160
00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:04,640
Speaker 1: Is that? Yep?

1161
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:06,840
Speaker 3: I mean we touched on this a little bit earlier.

1162
00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:10,280
Speaker 3: But how do you is what Sterling was saying. He's

1163
00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:13,680
Speaker 3: drawn to people that need help, right because he's a caretaker.

1164
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:16,240
Speaker 2: Yeah right, Yeah, So if.

1165
00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:19,520
Speaker 3: I was abandoned as a kid, what would I be

1166
00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:22,080
Speaker 3: looking for in a partner.

1167
00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:24,280
Speaker 2: What would that be.

1168
00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:25,880
Speaker 1: If you were abandoned as a kid, what would you

1169
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:28,200
Speaker 1: be looking for a partner? Maybe someone who's not avail

1170
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:31,560
Speaker 1: to middle noncommittal. Yeah, they're not available to you emotionally,

1171
00:59:31,600 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 1: they're noncommittal. Right, They're not right because you're expecting to

1172
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:38,920
Speaker 1: be abandoned anyway, So what so, so that could be

1173
00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,240
Speaker 1: people who are not available. They're in the uh, they're

1174
00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:46,240
Speaker 1: in the the non available category. I was just talking

1175
00:59:46,280 --> 00:59:48,680
Speaker 1: to a client about that where he's he's kind of

1176
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,040
Speaker 1: he's drawn to people that he can't really have a

1177
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:53,800
Speaker 1: relationship with, and I think it has a lot to

1178
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,840
Speaker 1: do with that fear of not being good enough. Maybe

1179
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:58,440
Speaker 1: he was told that as I don't know, I just

1180
00:59:58,520 --> 01:00:01,080
Speaker 1: met him, so well this how as we work together?

1181
01:00:01,400 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 2: But yeah, so what are some of the questions you

1182
01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:06,040
Speaker 2: would ask him to try and figure that out.

1183
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:09,040
Speaker 1: I would do a lot of soul searching and as

1184
01:00:09,080 --> 01:00:13,240
Speaker 1: far as I would actually identify the age that he

1185
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:16,000
Speaker 1: was first told that, and then I would want to

1186
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:18,920
Speaker 1: have an interview with that inner child. And I want

1187
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 1: to ask the inner child when what was the first

1188
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:24,480
Speaker 1: thing that you can remember? Like, what are specific instances?

1189
01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:26,400
Speaker 1: Because I've got to heal those. I got to go

1190
01:00:26,520 --> 01:00:29,360
Speaker 1: back and basically reparent his inner child is what I

1191
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:32,720
Speaker 1: have to do because otherwise, psychologically he's going to be

1192
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,959
Speaker 1: wounded no matter what. He can't really heal himself until

1193
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:37,520
Speaker 1: he fixes the inner child.

1194
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:40,800
Speaker 3: So and that's so interesting, and not to get too

1195
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:44,240
Speaker 3: deep about your clients and things like that, but it's

1196
01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:48,880
Speaker 3: interesting to know, how I mean, is it hard for

1197
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 3: them to talk about their inner child?

1198
01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:53,560
Speaker 2: Is that hard to absolutely to find?

1199
01:00:54,160 --> 01:00:54,200
Speaker 6: It?

1200
01:00:54,320 --> 01:00:54,360
Speaker 3: Is?

1201
01:00:54,560 --> 01:00:57,640
Speaker 1: It is because there are managers and there are firefighter parts.

1202
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:01,200
Speaker 1: Manager parts are proactive. Those are the parts of you

1203
01:01:01,320 --> 01:01:03,600
Speaker 1: that keep you safe day to day throughout the day.

1204
01:01:03,760 --> 01:01:08,280
Speaker 1: So you know, like a perfectionist or uh, think about

1205
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,640
Speaker 1: anything that could be proactive that you kind of had.

1206
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:12,320
Speaker 1: You kind of have to get ahead of yourself on

1207
01:01:12,920 --> 01:01:16,520
Speaker 1: Reactive parts are going to be addictive behaviors, anything that

1208
01:01:16,600 --> 01:01:17,440
Speaker 1: puts out the fire.

1209
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:21,200
Speaker 3: Okay, So proactive are I'm not going to be judged

1210
01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:23,640
Speaker 3: by anyone because I'm going to be the best at

1211
01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:26,840
Speaker 3: what I'm doing, so nobody can criticize me.

1212
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:30,760
Speaker 1: Correct, right, And then what was the second one? Firefighters

1213
01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:33,680
Speaker 1: and the reactive?

1214
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:37,439
Speaker 3: Okay, So the reactive is I don't care what anyone says,

1215
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:39,760
Speaker 3: because I'm just going to drink another glass of wine.

1216
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:40,680
Speaker 2: And I'm trying to tune it out.

1217
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:42,840
Speaker 1: Anyway. The reason I bring this up is I have

1218
01:01:43,040 --> 01:01:46,200
Speaker 1: to work to ask the managers and the firefighters to

1219
01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:48,760
Speaker 1: step back so that I can access that inner child.

1220
01:01:49,360 --> 01:01:52,280
Speaker 1: It's like a layer it's a multi layered approach. So

1221
01:01:52,760 --> 01:01:54,360
Speaker 1: before I can even get to the inner child to

1222
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:56,120
Speaker 1: do the work, I have to talk to the manager

1223
01:01:56,160 --> 01:01:59,120
Speaker 1: and firefighter and build trust with them and ask them

1224
01:01:59,160 --> 01:02:02,520
Speaker 1: to stop doing what they're doing. They're sabotaging. That's what

1225
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:05,480
Speaker 1: they're doing, right. They think they're keeping the person safe,

1226
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:07,040
Speaker 1: but they're really sabotaged.

1227
01:02:07,520 --> 01:02:12,480
Speaker 2: Does the partner see some of that stuff before the

1228
01:02:12,680 --> 01:02:13,840
Speaker 2: person that's going through it?

1229
01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:15,760
Speaker 1: Possibly?

1230
01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:19,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, because you can always see the stuff that's

1231
01:02:19,880 --> 01:02:23,800
Speaker 3: wrong in someone else right insteady yourself. I could see,

1232
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:28,160
Speaker 3: you know, and even a relationship with Sterling and I

1233
01:02:28,280 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 3: we've been three years together, you know, and I can

1234
01:02:31,360 --> 01:02:34,040
Speaker 3: see I know sometimes where he's going, and I'm like, oh,

1235
01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:37,760
Speaker 3: sometimes he surprises me. I need to not predict what

1236
01:02:38,320 --> 01:02:40,880
Speaker 3: he's going to do on a break or something like

1237
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:47,960
Speaker 3: that happens all the time, and in relationships like intimate

1238
01:02:48,080 --> 01:02:51,760
Speaker 3: relationships where they think that the partner is going to

1239
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:54,120
Speaker 3: say something or do something, and I always think it's

1240
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:55,880
Speaker 3: great when they surprise them on that.

1241
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:01,760
Speaker 2: I mean, because being predictable is not no, it's not good.

1242
01:03:01,920 --> 01:03:05,920
Speaker 1: It's no novelty. We're we're always seeking novelty. And that's

1243
01:03:05,960 --> 01:03:08,600
Speaker 1: where that gets back to a lot of other topics

1244
01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:12,840
Speaker 1: we talked about. But yeah, I mean, keeping keeping relationships,

1245
01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:16,600
Speaker 1: not having that novelty aspect is really going to keep

1246
01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:17,240
Speaker 1: the spice going.

1247
01:03:17,480 --> 01:03:20,960
Speaker 3: Let me ask you this because and I don't understand this,

1248
01:03:21,240 --> 01:03:23,400
Speaker 3: I really do not. You have explained this to me

1249
01:03:23,560 --> 01:03:27,560
Speaker 3: probably ten times, doctor West, But I really find I

1250
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:33,960
Speaker 3: can find myself in all the attachments, the attachment styles. Yeah, right,

1251
01:03:34,280 --> 01:03:37,200
Speaker 3: can you go over that. I know that there's anxious,

1252
01:03:37,640 --> 01:03:40,880
Speaker 3: there's anxious preoccupied. So there are two camps. There's the

1253
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:44,720
Speaker 3: secure attachment and an insecure attachment. And then underneath the

1254
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:48,480
Speaker 3: umbrella of insecure attachment there are the those that are anxious.

1255
01:03:49,280 --> 01:03:51,400
Speaker 3: So those are the ones that are most of the

1256
01:03:51,480 --> 01:03:54,560
Speaker 3: time people talk about is being nagging. They're just constantly

1257
01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:56,400
Speaker 3: checking in are we okay? Is everything okay?

1258
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,439
Speaker 1: Oh? I noticed that you know you didn't you didn't

1259
01:03:59,440 --> 01:04:01,920
Speaker 1: do something exact. That's what you normally do, is everything? Okay,

1260
01:04:02,360 --> 01:04:05,600
Speaker 1: you know there's constantly checking in. They're preoccupied. That's the anxious.

1261
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:09,080
Speaker 1: Then there's the avoidant, and then the avoidant. There's two types.

1262
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:13,880
Speaker 1: There's fearful and then there's just dismissive completely. The fearful

1263
01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:18,000
Speaker 1: would be the ones that are afraid of being hurt, right,

1264
01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:20,160
Speaker 1: so they but but yet they still want to be

1265
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:24,040
Speaker 1: in that relationship, but they avoid. Then there's there's the

1266
01:04:24,200 --> 01:04:27,880
Speaker 1: dismissive type, and that's they actually will say I don't

1267
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:30,280
Speaker 1: need a relationship, I don't need anybody, don't want to

1268
01:04:30,280 --> 01:04:32,040
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. Perfectly find the way I am.

1269
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,240
Speaker 3: That's that one where we talked about earlier where she's like,

1270
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:37,200
Speaker 3: I want to find somebody, and then it's like, I'm

1271
01:04:37,240 --> 01:04:39,480
Speaker 3: fine without you. I'm just going to prove that I'm

1272
01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:42,640
Speaker 3: good without you. And I think a lot of people

1273
01:04:42,800 --> 01:04:44,840
Speaker 3: do that, and I've seen it in myself. This is

1274
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:47,560
Speaker 3: what I mean about all these attachment styles. I don't

1275
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:48,680
Speaker 3: have just one.

1276
01:04:48,960 --> 01:04:50,880
Speaker 1: Is that that's normal. That's true.

1277
01:04:51,240 --> 01:04:53,800
Speaker 2: Okay, So I can be anxious, uh huh, and I

1278
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:54,480
Speaker 2: can also be.

1279
01:04:54,520 --> 01:04:57,280
Speaker 1: Avoidant in different Yeah, you can be, and it's it's

1280
01:04:57,360 --> 01:05:00,000
Speaker 1: really context. It's based on the context of the relationship.

1281
01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:02,760
Speaker 1: And it can be with different people too. You can

1282
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:05,000
Speaker 1: be securely attached with one person in your life, maybe

1283
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:07,640
Speaker 1: your twin sister, yes, right, But then you can be

1284
01:05:07,760 --> 01:05:12,000
Speaker 1: in another relationship and be anxious, anxiously attached, or avoidant.

1285
01:05:12,200 --> 01:05:14,680
Speaker 3: I remember I went on a date not too long

1286
01:05:14,760 --> 01:05:16,720
Speaker 3: ago and he tried to hold my hand and I

1287
01:05:16,840 --> 01:05:20,040
Speaker 3: was like, no, I don't even know you. It was

1288
01:05:20,320 --> 01:05:23,040
Speaker 3: so weird and I didn't mean to. I did not

1289
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:25,280
Speaker 3: mean to offend him or anything. And he was like,

1290
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:28,400
Speaker 3: you know, holding his hands up, like sorry, I didn't

1291
01:05:28,600 --> 01:05:32,919
Speaker 3: know that you were. But I, you know, I feel

1292
01:05:32,960 --> 01:05:34,560
Speaker 3: like you got to earn that, you know.

1293
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:38,280
Speaker 2: I just don't sell out like everybody could earn that

1294
01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:41,120
Speaker 2: a little bit. Yeah, I just went on one date.

1295
01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:44,120
Speaker 2: You don't you know what I mean? Is that avoidant?

1296
01:05:44,240 --> 01:05:45,080
Speaker 1: Fearful avoidant?

1297
01:05:45,240 --> 01:05:45,400
Speaker 3: Is it?

1298
01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:46,440
Speaker 1: That's what it sounds like to me.

1299
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:48,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, what if I didn't want to hold his hand.

1300
01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:52,240
Speaker 3: This is why it's so confusing me, because I can

1301
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:54,360
Speaker 3: see myself in some of this, but some of it

1302
01:05:54,440 --> 01:05:56,880
Speaker 3: I think is just like a normal safety Maybe it's

1303
01:05:56,960 --> 01:05:57,960
Speaker 3: women right.

1304
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:01,000
Speaker 2: I mean it's a safety thing. Do we have to go?

1305
01:06:01,120 --> 01:06:04,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, we do. We're going to continue this conversation because

1306
01:06:04,160 --> 01:06:06,480
Speaker 3: I love it. I don't understand it, and I need

1307
01:06:06,560 --> 01:06:10,120
Speaker 3: to figure out. We're going to talk through it some more.

1308
01:06:10,120 --> 01:06:14,640
Speaker 3: It's Donnade, doctor West on a freezing Saturday, news, weather, traffic,

1309
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:17,440
Speaker 3: everything's coming up in just a minute.

1310
01:06:17,480 --> 01:06:19,960
Speaker 2: We'll be back at seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati.

1311
01:06:21,320 --> 01:06:24,520
Speaker 1: That's what's most important, and empathetic witness. So you can

1312
01:06:24,640 --> 01:06:26,480
Speaker 1: be that for yourself by journaling.

1313
01:06:26,720 --> 01:06:28,480
Speaker 2: Wow, I mean.

1314
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,800
Speaker 3: I journal every day. I didn't really look at it

1315
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:36,720
Speaker 3: as being the empathetic witness. It's kind of cathartic for

1316
01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:39,280
Speaker 3: me to get it out and then you do you

1317
01:06:39,360 --> 01:06:40,120
Speaker 3: ever read it back?

1318
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:42,400
Speaker 2: Rarely?

1319
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 1: Rarely?

1320
01:06:43,120 --> 01:06:45,480
Speaker 2: Okay, So I don't. I mean I get it out

1321
01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:47,320
Speaker 2: and then I just kind of move on.

1322
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:53,920
Speaker 3: And this is a daily practice for me, as you know, reading, writing, meditating, prayer.

1323
01:06:54,280 --> 01:06:57,080
Speaker 3: I mean, I feel normal after I do my hour,

1324
01:06:57,320 --> 01:06:59,680
Speaker 3: my two hours of power. So I get up early

1325
01:06:59,800 --> 01:07:01,680
Speaker 3: enough to be able to do that for myself.

1326
01:07:01,800 --> 01:07:03,000
Speaker 1: You call it two hours of power.

1327
01:07:03,120 --> 01:07:03,600
Speaker 6: I like that.

1328
01:07:04,160 --> 01:07:09,080
Speaker 3: Well, it's yoga, it's meditation, it's journaling, it's prayer. It's

1329
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:13,440
Speaker 3: you know, walking, run on the treadmill, walk or run

1330
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:15,960
Speaker 3: on the treadmill, that kind of stuff. Yeah, so it's

1331
01:07:16,040 --> 01:07:18,760
Speaker 3: two hours of me getting myself straight and then I

1332
01:07:19,320 --> 01:07:20,200
Speaker 3: am busy all day.

1333
01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:22,920
Speaker 1: That's great. Yeah, So I think that you are a

1334
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:26,240
Speaker 1: witness as you're even even getting it out in that

1335
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:30,400
Speaker 1: cathartic way, You're still witnessing the emotion that that you're

1336
01:07:30,400 --> 01:07:31,800
Speaker 1: sharing in that moment.

1337
01:07:32,280 --> 01:07:36,040
Speaker 3: So it's cathartic and yeah, I just never looked at

1338
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:38,840
Speaker 3: it that way as in just kind of a witness

1339
01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:42,080
Speaker 3: of myself. I have a twin sister too, so I'm

1340
01:07:42,160 --> 01:07:45,080
Speaker 3: on the phone with her, so she's kind of my

1341
01:07:45,200 --> 01:07:48,280
Speaker 3: personal counselor and vice versa. So we really talk out

1342
01:07:48,320 --> 01:07:51,640
Speaker 3: a lot of stuff and we've learned how to communicate ourselves,

1343
01:07:51,720 --> 01:07:54,840
Speaker 3: because when you're in a relationship like that, I mean,

1344
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:57,840
Speaker 3: people say twins are so special and they have the

1345
01:07:57,920 --> 01:07:58,560
Speaker 3: special bond.

1346
01:07:58,800 --> 01:07:59,320
Speaker 2: It's true.

1347
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:02,200
Speaker 3: I'm here to tell you it is absolutely true. I

1348
01:08:02,280 --> 01:08:05,160
Speaker 3: don't take it for granted for one second. And we've

1349
01:08:05,240 --> 01:08:08,400
Speaker 3: worked on our relationship to where we communicate and if

1350
01:08:08,440 --> 01:08:11,440
Speaker 3: somebody is I mean, I can't remember the last time

1351
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:16,040
Speaker 3: I had an argument with her or you know yelled

1352
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:18,560
Speaker 3: or and I can't even remember the last time, but

1353
01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:22,360
Speaker 3: there was a time where we would get a little

1354
01:08:22,640 --> 01:08:26,280
Speaker 3: upset about something we heard, and then we would ask,

1355
01:08:26,400 --> 01:08:28,240
Speaker 3: all right, what's going on in your body?

1356
01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:30,840
Speaker 2: Can you describe it? And then when you hear.

1357
01:08:30,880 --> 01:08:33,960
Speaker 3: Them say, you know, if I've said something and she's

1358
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:37,400
Speaker 3: in pain, my chest hurts, I feel it in my throat,

1359
01:08:37,600 --> 01:08:39,840
Speaker 3: my stomach is twisting and not and I'm.

1360
01:08:39,760 --> 01:08:42,519
Speaker 2: Like, oh my god, I didn't you know. You feel

1361
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:43,240
Speaker 2: so much.

1362
01:08:43,200 --> 01:08:46,559
Speaker 3: Compassion when you understand that this person that you love

1363
01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:50,360
Speaker 3: so much is going through physical pain because of the

1364
01:08:50,680 --> 01:08:51,240
Speaker 3: argument that.

1365
01:08:51,280 --> 01:08:56,400
Speaker 2: We're going through. Yeah, and I mean sympathy empathy exactly.

1366
01:08:56,920 --> 01:08:59,400
Speaker 3: And it's not always easy when you're going through it

1367
01:08:59,520 --> 01:09:01,880
Speaker 3: to that, when you have all those pains and you

1368
01:09:02,439 --> 01:09:03,800
Speaker 3: and then you trigger each other.

1369
01:09:03,920 --> 01:09:06,320
Speaker 2: That's what happens in a relationship.

1370
01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:09,080
Speaker 3: But when you understand and you do the work on yourself,

1371
01:09:11,920 --> 01:09:15,679
Speaker 3: you start to understand the complexity of the human mind

1372
01:09:15,920 --> 01:09:18,160
Speaker 3: and body, and you want to try and figure it

1373
01:09:18,200 --> 01:09:19,720
Speaker 3: out as much as possible.

1374
01:09:19,800 --> 01:09:21,920
Speaker 2: So that you can have really good relationships.

1375
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:27,320
Speaker 3: We know, as Estra Perella always says, the the I

1376
01:09:27,320 --> 01:09:30,360
Speaker 3: always say this quote and it now escapes me. The

1377
01:09:33,439 --> 01:09:36,840
Speaker 3: better of your life is determined on the quality of

1378
01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:39,920
Speaker 3: your life is determined on the quality of your relationships.

1379
01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:42,400
Speaker 2: Right, so the better your relationships are.

1380
01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:45,400
Speaker 3: And we all know that that's like the number one

1381
01:09:45,479 --> 01:09:49,320
Speaker 3: thing to make you happy in life is your community,

1382
01:09:49,439 --> 01:09:52,400
Speaker 3: your people, your friends, the ones you love and you

1383
01:09:52,880 --> 01:09:55,800
Speaker 3: actually tell them you love them and you show them

1384
01:09:55,880 --> 01:09:58,840
Speaker 3: that you love them and you care. So other than

1385
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:01,880
Speaker 3: would you say, journal and speaking to yourself, are there

1386
01:10:01,960 --> 01:10:06,880
Speaker 3: other techniques that you ask your clients to do in

1387
01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:10,160
Speaker 3: order to because they can't just rely on each other

1388
01:10:10,400 --> 01:10:13,080
Speaker 3: to make themselves, they have to go and do some

1389
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:14,120
Speaker 3: individual work.

1390
01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:17,639
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you're talking about how to grieve, right Well,

1391
01:10:17,920 --> 01:10:23,960
Speaker 1: this is more on getting stronger. Getting stronger, Yeah, yeah, rituals.

1392
01:10:24,400 --> 01:10:26,680
Speaker 1: I think daily rituals are important, like what you do,

1393
01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:30,679
Speaker 1: so rituals of connection though, how to connect with yourself

1394
01:10:31,120 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 1: and how to connect with others. So I would do that.

1395
01:10:34,600 --> 01:10:37,320
Speaker 1: So that would be connecting with yourself would be kind

1396
01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:40,639
Speaker 1: of the meditation, what you're doing, the prayer, the whatever

1397
01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:43,639
Speaker 1: it might be to connect with yourself, and then connecting

1398
01:10:43,680 --> 01:10:48,600
Speaker 1: with others would be maybe getting out and doing something, volunteering,

1399
01:10:49,120 --> 01:10:52,759
Speaker 1: doing something close to your values. Values are so important

1400
01:10:52,800 --> 01:10:57,000
Speaker 1: as well. Yeah, so getting out of your own headspace,

1401
01:10:57,160 --> 01:10:59,320
Speaker 1: getting out of your own comfort zone.

1402
01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:00,760
Speaker 2: And trying something new.

1403
01:11:00,920 --> 01:11:03,800
Speaker 3: Going to church it might be something, because we've talked

1404
01:11:03,800 --> 01:11:10,160
Speaker 3: about that, and certainly faith can bring a level of

1405
01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:15,640
Speaker 3: connection more so than anything in some instances when you

1406
01:11:15,920 --> 01:11:16,759
Speaker 3: when you have faith.

1407
01:11:17,120 --> 01:11:18,599
Speaker 2: So if if.

1408
01:11:20,080 --> 01:11:22,439
Speaker 3: If you've got a couple and you know, I don't

1409
01:11:22,520 --> 01:11:25,160
Speaker 3: I don't want you to talk too much about about it,

1410
01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:27,760
Speaker 3: but like you know, if you've got a couple in

1411
01:11:27,880 --> 01:11:32,040
Speaker 3: your office and one of them is doing the work

1412
01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:34,559
Speaker 3: and the other one says, I'm trying.

1413
01:11:35,320 --> 01:11:40,280
Speaker 2: I just don't have the effort level that he does.

1414
01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:41,600
Speaker 2: I'm trying, and.

1415
01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:47,040
Speaker 3: How what would you say to that person on how

1416
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:50,840
Speaker 3: my story, I did all the work, work, work, work,

1417
01:11:50,880 --> 01:11:53,200
Speaker 3: and he went that way and so we ended up

1418
01:11:53,280 --> 01:11:58,160
Speaker 3: getting divorced. How would you encourage the one that's not

1419
01:11:58,320 --> 01:12:00,640
Speaker 3: trying so much? Would you encourag them to do a

1420
01:12:00,680 --> 01:12:04,000
Speaker 3: little bit better? Is there is that a possibility? It's

1421
01:12:04,000 --> 01:12:06,720
Speaker 3: always a possibility. I would encourage. I would ask them

1422
01:12:08,160 --> 01:12:10,920
Speaker 3: what's standing in the way, what the blockage is for them?

1423
01:12:11,479 --> 01:12:14,080
Speaker 1: Is there? Usually it's fear, like what we've talked about,

1424
01:12:14,479 --> 01:12:16,080
Speaker 1: but it's but what if.

1425
01:12:16,040 --> 01:12:19,320
Speaker 3: He just says or she says, I have a busier job,

1426
01:12:19,439 --> 01:12:22,559
Speaker 3: I work harder, longer hours, and then I come home

1427
01:12:22,640 --> 01:12:25,320
Speaker 3: and there's kids and I've got to take care of it.

1428
01:12:25,400 --> 01:12:27,760
Speaker 1: It's not that I don't want to. I'm just exhausted.

1429
01:12:28,200 --> 01:12:30,439
Speaker 1: What if somebody says that, I would validate it. I

1430
01:12:30,479 --> 01:12:32,160
Speaker 1: would validate it, and I would say, that's going to

1431
01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:34,280
Speaker 1: be really tough for you. And I want to separate

1432
01:12:34,400 --> 01:12:38,000
Speaker 1: that out though, because your behavior is a form of communication.

1433
01:12:38,600 --> 01:12:41,759
Speaker 1: So your behavior is communicating that you're just not interested

1434
01:12:42,080 --> 01:12:45,200
Speaker 1: in this relationship. So I would challenge them a little

1435
01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:48,000
Speaker 1: bit and say, your behavior is a form of communication.

1436
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:50,759
Speaker 1: And so while that may not be what you feel,

1437
01:12:51,320 --> 01:12:53,560
Speaker 1: can you see that your partner's getting that from you?

1438
01:12:54,320 --> 01:12:54,639
Speaker 2: Okay?

1439
01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:59,360
Speaker 3: So, and behavior is a language people will teach you

1440
01:13:00,080 --> 01:13:02,400
Speaker 3: all you need to know if you're paying attention. I

1441
01:13:02,520 --> 01:13:06,800
Speaker 3: saw this quote that said, don't be don't be sad

1442
01:13:07,840 --> 01:13:10,040
Speaker 3: about someone not calling you when they know how to

1443
01:13:10,120 --> 01:13:10,760
Speaker 3: get a hold of you.

1444
01:13:11,240 --> 01:13:13,760
Speaker 2: That's like, no, say they know how to get a

1445
01:13:13,800 --> 01:13:15,360
Speaker 2: hold of you. That's what I wanted to call you.

1446
01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:16,920
Speaker 2: They will. That's behavior.

1447
01:13:17,120 --> 01:13:21,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's language they're telling you through their behavior exactly

1448
01:13:21,800 --> 01:13:24,040
Speaker 3: how they feel about you, or at least what type

1449
01:13:24,080 --> 01:13:25,600
Speaker 3: of relationship they want with you.

1450
01:13:25,720 --> 01:13:26,080
Speaker 1: That's right.

1451
01:13:26,240 --> 01:13:28,240
Speaker 3: If they're not calling and they're not texting, Is there

1452
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:31,400
Speaker 3: any reason why you should get upset over that?

1453
01:13:31,880 --> 01:13:35,320
Speaker 1: Right? No, I mean I think is there a reason

1454
01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:37,400
Speaker 1: you should be upset over that if they're not calling? Yeah,

1455
01:13:37,400 --> 01:13:39,800
Speaker 1: I mean I think you have to be honest with

1456
01:13:39,880 --> 01:13:42,960
Speaker 1: yourself and say, what is the message they're sending to me?

1457
01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:46,000
Speaker 1: And that hurts because, right, that.

1458
01:13:46,160 --> 01:13:48,679
Speaker 2: Is the worst kind of thing. Yeah, you're just kind

1459
01:13:48,720 --> 01:13:50,200
Speaker 2: of like, oh man, but.

1460
01:13:51,040 --> 01:13:53,040
Speaker 1: The vignette, the vignette you were just talking about, or

1461
01:13:53,080 --> 01:13:54,400
Speaker 1: the story that you were just talking about with that,

1462
01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:56,880
Speaker 1: with that, maybe it was the husband or the mail

1463
01:13:57,000 --> 01:14:00,000
Speaker 1: or whoever it is, and the couple, I would challenge

1464
01:14:00,080 --> 01:14:04,200
Speaker 1: engine say, perhaps you're trying to tell us something here.

1465
01:14:05,080 --> 01:14:12,840
Speaker 3: So everybody's busy, President's busy, everybody is busy, and but

1466
01:14:12,960 --> 01:14:15,960
Speaker 3: you could still have time to text your partner and

1467
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,320
Speaker 3: say I'm thinking about you, or I just heard this

1468
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:21,840
Speaker 3: song on the radio and it just reminded me of you.

1469
01:14:22,479 --> 01:14:25,120
Speaker 2: Right, those what do you call him? Bids for cam?

1470
01:14:26,720 --> 01:14:29,960
Speaker 3: And so if let's say the guy, the husband in

1471
01:14:30,040 --> 01:14:33,599
Speaker 3: the scenario feels like he's doing everything and he sees

1472
01:14:33,880 --> 01:14:38,720
Speaker 3: that she's trying, but it's like trick dribbles of you know,

1473
01:14:39,360 --> 01:14:39,920
Speaker 3: not a lot.

1474
01:14:41,120 --> 01:14:43,360
Speaker 2: Would you say, I got to call you out on it?

1475
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:47,559
Speaker 3: And then what would well if it goes two weeks further,

1476
01:14:48,000 --> 01:14:49,960
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm kind of seeing this a little bit

1477
01:14:50,040 --> 01:14:52,400
Speaker 3: and in some of the coaching stuff I've been doing.

1478
01:14:52,720 --> 01:14:55,400
Speaker 3: If it goes two weeks further and there's still not

1479
01:14:55,760 --> 01:14:58,400
Speaker 3: that effort, what do you do then? If you're not

1480
01:14:58,960 --> 01:15:00,479
Speaker 3: if you're not going to do it, and why are

1481
01:15:00,520 --> 01:15:00,800
Speaker 3: we here?

1482
01:15:00,920 --> 01:15:01,439
Speaker 1: Yeah? Exactly?

1483
01:15:01,560 --> 01:15:02,200
Speaker 2: Is it tough talk?

1484
01:15:02,320 --> 01:15:05,559
Speaker 1: It's tough talk. Yeah, but it's also empathetic tough talk.

1485
01:15:05,680 --> 01:15:08,240
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna be tough, but I'm going to use

1486
01:15:08,280 --> 01:15:10,559
Speaker 1: it in a way to try and connect with them

1487
01:15:10,640 --> 01:15:14,120
Speaker 1: on Perhaps there's a protector like we talked about last

1488
01:15:14,200 --> 01:15:16,760
Speaker 1: you know in previous segments. Perhaps there's a manager or

1489
01:15:16,800 --> 01:15:19,439
Speaker 1: a firefighter. There's a proactive or reactive part of you

1490
01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:23,439
Speaker 1: that's blocking you from connecting with your partner. And if

1491
01:15:23,439 --> 01:15:26,040
Speaker 1: that's the case, let's do some work. Let's you and

1492
01:15:26,120 --> 01:15:27,000
Speaker 1: I just do some work.

1493
01:15:27,280 --> 01:15:29,679
Speaker 2: Is there a certain amount of time that you feel

1494
01:15:29,760 --> 01:15:34,040
Speaker 2: like couples should do, like an eight week or ten weeks.

1495
01:15:34,160 --> 01:15:35,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, eight to twelve sessions.

1496
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:40,360
Speaker 3: Okay, eight to twelve sessions and what if what if

1497
01:15:40,439 --> 01:15:43,120
Speaker 3: somebody would want to continue because it's working.

1498
01:15:43,280 --> 01:15:43,920
Speaker 2: Does that happen?

1499
01:15:44,000 --> 01:15:46,639
Speaker 1: Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Research shows though it can even

1500
01:15:46,680 --> 01:15:48,800
Speaker 1: be up to twenty sessions, so it could be like

1501
01:15:49,200 --> 01:15:53,439
Speaker 1: eight to twenty sessions. The research into couples therapy and

1502
01:15:53,640 --> 01:15:56,360
Speaker 1: seventy five percent of couples with the one approach, which

1503
01:15:56,400 --> 01:16:01,439
Speaker 1: is emotionally focused therapy, working on those primary emotions and

1504
01:16:01,520 --> 01:16:04,839
Speaker 1: getting partners to turn towards each other and share those emotions.

1505
01:16:04,960 --> 01:16:06,560
Speaker 1: That's the most effective approachure.

1506
01:16:06,680 --> 01:16:10,920
Speaker 3: And so we talked about earlier the three green flags

1507
01:16:11,960 --> 01:16:17,920
Speaker 3: really very happy couples have, which is growing together. And

1508
01:16:18,040 --> 01:16:22,599
Speaker 3: that's why you know, ultimately I got divorced is because

1509
01:16:22,680 --> 01:16:25,600
Speaker 3: my husband was not growing with me. That's just absolutely

1510
01:16:25,680 --> 01:16:30,360
Speaker 3: what happened. And then it says kindness, but empathy would

1511
01:16:30,360 --> 01:16:33,719
Speaker 3: be it's the same type of thing. Be nice, be soft,

1512
01:16:34,000 --> 01:16:37,440
Speaker 3: do things that are sweet, right, and that or compassion

1513
01:16:37,720 --> 01:16:40,640
Speaker 3: is the one that's empathy, right, So put yourself in

1514
01:16:40,760 --> 01:16:45,320
Speaker 3: somebody else's shoes. So if there's not all three present,

1515
01:16:45,720 --> 01:16:50,000
Speaker 3: something's gonna spiral. Yeah, right, So can you see that

1516
01:16:50,240 --> 01:16:54,200
Speaker 3: in a couple that you are within the first hour,

1517
01:16:54,760 --> 01:16:56,120
Speaker 3: because what of sessions?

1518
01:16:56,160 --> 01:16:56,519
Speaker 2: An hour?

1519
01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:57,240
Speaker 1: An hour?

1520
01:16:57,400 --> 01:17:00,639
Speaker 3: Okay, so within the first hour of meeting the couple,

1521
01:17:00,800 --> 01:17:03,400
Speaker 3: well you would you be able to figure out where

1522
01:17:03,479 --> 01:17:04,000
Speaker 3: that's going.

1523
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:06,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can tell based on body language. How far

1524
01:17:06,680 --> 01:17:09,719
Speaker 1: they do they do they come in, Are they making

1525
01:17:09,800 --> 01:17:12,519
Speaker 1: contact with each other at all? Are they seated close

1526
01:17:12,760 --> 01:17:15,080
Speaker 1: together or are they as far as they can be

1527
01:17:15,200 --> 01:17:16,599
Speaker 1: on that couch away from each other.

1528
01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:20,080
Speaker 2: You also said do they look each other in the eye?

1529
01:17:20,160 --> 01:17:20,519
Speaker 1: That's right?

1530
01:17:20,680 --> 01:17:21,920
Speaker 2: Why is that a big deal?

1531
01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:25,160
Speaker 1: Well, because it's very vulnerable to do that. It's very

1532
01:17:25,240 --> 01:17:26,599
Speaker 1: vulnerable to look somebody in the eye.

1533
01:17:26,680 --> 01:17:26,920
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1534
01:17:27,080 --> 01:17:30,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think that usually people that are not

1535
01:17:30,680 --> 01:17:33,439
Speaker 1: being honest, or they're not they're hiding something, or they're

1536
01:17:33,560 --> 01:17:37,479
Speaker 1: they're there's some type of trauma, there's something going on,

1537
01:17:37,960 --> 01:17:40,040
Speaker 1: they won't look you in the eye, right. They want

1538
01:17:40,080 --> 01:17:42,800
Speaker 1: to protect themselves. So yeah.

1539
01:17:43,080 --> 01:17:46,320
Speaker 3: You know what's interesting too, is you could be in

1540
01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:49,439
Speaker 3: the best mood with your partner, right and be driving

1541
01:17:49,479 --> 01:17:52,439
Speaker 3: down the street and listening to music and something, you know,

1542
01:17:52,720 --> 01:17:56,479
Speaker 3: a car goes in front of you, and you know,

1543
01:17:56,920 --> 01:18:00,280
Speaker 3: one of you gets road rage and then you know,

1544
01:18:00,400 --> 01:18:01,320
Speaker 3: all of a sudden it's.

1545
01:18:01,200 --> 01:18:02,680
Speaker 2: Like, why do you have tag like that? Well, why

1546
01:18:02,720 --> 01:18:04,800
Speaker 2: can't you understand that? It's just it'sn't you know?

1547
01:18:04,880 --> 01:18:09,839
Speaker 3: And it's and all of a sudden, what was lovely

1548
01:18:09,960 --> 01:18:14,800
Speaker 3: and peaceful turns to be like this crazy go up,

1549
01:18:14,880 --> 01:18:16,519
Speaker 3: get it, get out, go do whatever.

1550
01:18:16,680 --> 01:18:18,759
Speaker 2: And I need some space in the house by myself.

1551
01:18:18,840 --> 01:18:20,800
Speaker 2: I can't be around you. How does it get so

1552
01:18:21,120 --> 01:18:22,040
Speaker 2: bad so quick?

1553
01:18:22,120 --> 01:18:24,479
Speaker 1: So a harsh startup. It's a harsh startup. That's what

1554
01:18:24,560 --> 01:18:27,759
Speaker 1: you've just described there. And that's where you're using you language.

1555
01:18:27,800 --> 01:18:30,640
Speaker 1: You're doing all or nothing thinking. You're getting into the

1556
01:18:30,720 --> 01:18:33,600
Speaker 1: imperatives like you always do this or you shouldn't do that.

1557
01:18:33,960 --> 01:18:36,840
Speaker 1: You so you're using the must statement or the or

1558
01:18:36,920 --> 01:18:39,600
Speaker 1: the should statement, and that's what's happening. You're using a

1559
01:18:39,640 --> 01:18:41,120
Speaker 1: lot of accusatory language.

1560
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:44,599
Speaker 2: Do you talk about repair therapy more?

1561
01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:46,960
Speaker 3: I mean, it's one of the biggest things to help

1562
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:50,320
Speaker 3: heal a relationship in that instance, What would you have

1563
01:18:50,439 --> 01:18:53,560
Speaker 3: told them would have been a good repair therapy for

1564
01:18:53,680 --> 01:18:55,560
Speaker 3: them in that moment instead.

1565
01:18:55,200 --> 01:18:57,720
Speaker 2: Of getting to the point where you know, why are

1566
01:18:57,800 --> 01:19:00,160
Speaker 2: you screaming road rage? Why are you how to how

1567
01:19:00,200 --> 01:19:02,519
Speaker 2: would they handle it? To repair?

1568
01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:05,800
Speaker 3: Either either don't get to that point and pick up

1569
01:19:05,880 --> 01:19:09,160
Speaker 3: that fear just don't even do it. But if they do,

1570
01:19:09,560 --> 01:19:11,479
Speaker 3: how do they get to the repair quicker?

1571
01:19:11,680 --> 01:19:13,920
Speaker 1: So a way a better way of handling that would

1572
01:19:13,960 --> 01:19:17,040
Speaker 1: have been I am noticing right now, or you know

1573
01:19:17,200 --> 01:19:20,200
Speaker 1: what's happening for you right now, what's happened. But even

1574
01:19:20,240 --> 01:19:22,720
Speaker 1: that could be a little too much, actually, because that's

1575
01:19:22,760 --> 01:19:26,240
Speaker 1: gonna because the already word is already the EU word

1576
01:19:26,360 --> 01:19:28,760
Speaker 1: is in there, right, So I think maybe it's better

1577
01:19:29,320 --> 01:19:34,719
Speaker 1: I am noticing that that you're you're getting escalated, you're fearful.

1578
01:19:34,880 --> 01:19:36,680
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on right now, but I

1579
01:19:36,760 --> 01:19:38,720
Speaker 1: want to help. I want to be right here with

1580
01:19:38,880 --> 01:19:40,080
Speaker 1: you and I want to help you.

1581
01:19:40,320 --> 01:19:42,439
Speaker 2: That is lovely. I love that.

1582
01:19:43,560 --> 01:19:48,160
Speaker 3: So I can tell that you're getting escalated and you're

1583
01:19:48,680 --> 01:19:50,799
Speaker 3: would you even say like you're in a reaction?

1584
01:19:51,040 --> 01:19:52,960
Speaker 1: And I may not even say the word escalated, right,

1585
01:19:53,080 --> 01:19:56,040
Speaker 1: I may say what I'm noticing. Something has shifted here,

1586
01:19:56,560 --> 01:19:58,360
Speaker 1: something's happening, and I want you.

1587
01:19:58,360 --> 01:20:00,439
Speaker 2: To know you've got a lot going on. I can

1588
01:20:00,520 --> 01:20:02,160
Speaker 2: feel it, but I'm here.

1589
01:20:02,400 --> 01:20:04,439
Speaker 1: Keyword, I can feel it. That was great what you

1590
01:20:04,560 --> 01:20:07,760
Speaker 1: just said there, and I am here right because you're

1591
01:20:07,840 --> 01:20:11,360
Speaker 1: calming the brain you're helping. You're speaking to the part

1592
01:20:11,400 --> 01:20:14,040
Speaker 1: of the brain that has the fight fight or freeze

1593
01:20:14,080 --> 01:20:16,880
Speaker 1: response is what you're doing there, and you're saying, I'm

1594
01:20:16,960 --> 01:20:20,920
Speaker 1: with you, everything's okay, we can we are together, okay.

1595
01:20:21,160 --> 01:20:25,400
Speaker 2: And so what would his response be to that?

1596
01:20:26,120 --> 01:20:29,680
Speaker 1: Hopefully it's something to the effect of, You're right, I

1597
01:20:29,840 --> 01:20:35,559
Speaker 1: am really irritated in this traffic. I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm

1598
01:20:35,600 --> 01:20:40,920
Speaker 1: feeling powerless, claustrophobic, whatever it might be, and I really

1599
01:20:41,000 --> 01:20:44,080
Speaker 1: just want to scream right now. So vulnerability, Hopefully that

1600
01:20:44,200 --> 01:20:45,519
Speaker 1: person can be very vulnerable.

1601
01:20:45,680 --> 01:20:48,720
Speaker 3: See that means the bid for connection will be met,

1602
01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:53,719
Speaker 3: right and instead of you know, blowing out of proportion

1603
01:20:53,960 --> 01:20:58,680
Speaker 3: a small thing in reaction and triggering and triggering, they

1604
01:20:58,760 --> 01:21:01,160
Speaker 3: can heal that before it even gets to that point.

1605
01:21:01,200 --> 01:21:04,200
Speaker 3: And man, is that so good for your relationship. When

1606
01:21:04,240 --> 01:21:07,760
Speaker 3: you can do that for your relationship, you are well

1607
01:21:07,840 --> 01:21:08,439
Speaker 3: on your way.

1608
01:21:09,160 --> 01:21:10,160
Speaker 2: That is amazing.

1609
01:21:10,320 --> 01:21:13,240
Speaker 3: I can't believe the time is up, so coming up,

1610
01:21:14,200 --> 01:21:16,920
Speaker 3: Sterling and I talked about there's a big tennis match

1611
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:20,360
Speaker 3: tomorrow Novak Djokovic at the Australian Open, thirty eight years old,

1612
01:21:20,640 --> 01:21:25,519
Speaker 3: playing against Carlos Alcarez, twenty two. It's age and wisdom

1613
01:21:25,680 --> 01:21:30,559
Speaker 3: versus young legs and spirit and spunk. We're gonna run

1614
01:21:30,640 --> 01:21:34,240
Speaker 3: that interview with Sterling and I because it was pretty funny.

1615
01:21:34,320 --> 01:21:37,040
Speaker 3: Right after the break, Doctor Wes, thank you so much

1616
01:21:37,120 --> 01:21:39,360
Speaker 3: for coming in. You know, I love you and I'm

1617
01:21:39,439 --> 01:21:42,439
Speaker 3: so grateful you're always here. Guys in the studio, so

1618
01:21:42,600 --> 01:21:45,200
Speaker 3: nice to meet you. We're going to be back with

1619
01:21:45,400 --> 01:21:48,720
Speaker 3: a fun fun segment with Sterling. It's don A d

1620
01:21:48,840 --> 01:21:52,680
Speaker 3: on seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Don A d So.

1621
01:21:52,880 --> 01:21:55,519
Speaker 2: Earlier today I was on. It's been a long shift

1622
01:21:55,600 --> 01:21:59,679
Speaker 2: for me now that you know. It's in the eleven

1623
01:21:59,760 --> 01:22:01,200
Speaker 2: late in the eleven o'clock hour.

1624
01:22:01,320 --> 01:22:04,160
Speaker 3: I was on with Sterling from six to nine and

1625
01:22:04,280 --> 01:22:09,560
Speaker 3: we talked about the Australian Open final with Novak Djokovic

1626
01:22:09,960 --> 01:22:15,000
Speaker 3: who's thirty eight, and Carlos Alcarez who is twenty two,

1627
01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,960
Speaker 3: and we have a funny conversation and.

1628
01:22:18,040 --> 01:22:18,600
Speaker 2: It went like this.

1629
01:22:19,120 --> 01:22:21,160
Speaker 5: I'll tell you what I've enjoyed the last couple of

1630
01:22:21,280 --> 01:22:25,400
Speaker 5: days watching is warm weather from down Under because the

1631
01:22:25,439 --> 01:22:28,160
Speaker 5: other hemisphere it's like summer in the midst of us

1632
01:22:28,240 --> 01:22:30,560
Speaker 5: and having what is our current temperature.

1633
01:22:30,200 --> 01:22:31,280
Speaker 2: Now that is from thirteen.

1634
01:22:31,400 --> 01:22:32,320
Speaker 4: I think twelve.

1635
01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:36,200
Speaker 2: It's fifteen, which feels like two.

1636
01:22:37,200 --> 01:22:40,400
Speaker 5: So I was watching people sweat in the stands and

1637
01:22:40,560 --> 01:22:43,400
Speaker 5: enjoy themselves with the Australian Open, which, of course now

1638
01:22:43,479 --> 01:22:46,920
Speaker 5: I hear that everybody was using the acronym AO, which

1639
01:22:47,280 --> 01:22:48,720
Speaker 5: sounds like a movie or something in.

1640
01:22:48,760 --> 01:22:49,639
Speaker 2: The Australian Open.

1641
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,160
Speaker 5: And you are big ten stand you and Dave Keaton,

1642
01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:53,840
Speaker 5: I know, always talk about the tennis.

1643
01:22:54,479 --> 01:22:56,720
Speaker 2: This is like monumental. We were talking off the air.

1644
01:22:56,840 --> 01:23:00,479
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, first they had the women's final this morning air.

1645
01:23:00,640 --> 01:23:04,080
Speaker 3: You know it's way behind, so like the men's final

1646
01:23:04,200 --> 01:23:11,559
Speaker 3: is going to air at three thirty ahead behind there tomorrow, yes,

1647
01:23:11,760 --> 01:23:16,640
Speaker 3: they're ahead breakfast. Sabalanka lost to Robikina. I can't ever

1648
01:23:16,680 --> 01:23:21,720
Speaker 3: say her name, but anyway, very very good match. The

1649
01:23:21,840 --> 01:23:26,880
Speaker 3: two men's semifinals were amazing. Carlos Alcarez and Zverev, and

1650
01:23:27,360 --> 01:23:30,160
Speaker 3: Alcarez came on top and he's in the finals.

1651
01:23:30,200 --> 01:23:31,800
Speaker 2: And then Djokovic versus Sinner.

1652
01:23:32,120 --> 01:23:35,440
Speaker 3: Everybody had Cinner to win, and it's been Carlos Alcarez

1653
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:39,760
Speaker 3: and and center for the matches in the finals, and

1654
01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:44,240
Speaker 3: but Djokovic pulled ahead and he actually won that two

1655
01:23:44,439 --> 01:23:48,080
Speaker 3: big five setters. But what's interesting is there's going to

1656
01:23:48,080 --> 01:23:53,960
Speaker 3: be history tomorrow made for the men's finals. Well, Djokovic,

1657
01:23:54,160 --> 01:23:57,639
Speaker 3: Novak Djokovic is thirty eight years old.

1658
01:23:58,200 --> 01:23:59,880
Speaker 5: I mean he's aged right, I mean that's long and

1659
01:24:00,080 --> 01:24:01,800
Speaker 5: he's like a one hundred and eighty six years old

1660
01:24:01,840 --> 01:24:02,080
Speaker 5: in ten.

1661
01:24:02,240 --> 01:24:05,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean he's he will be if he wins tomorrow,

1662
01:24:06,400 --> 01:24:09,120
Speaker 3: the oldest man to win the Australian Open.

1663
01:24:09,240 --> 01:24:12,040
Speaker 2: This is his eleventh final at the eleventh Open.

1664
01:24:12,120 --> 01:24:16,160
Speaker 3: Now, Carlos Alcarez, the young en is only twenty two

1665
01:24:16,400 --> 01:24:16,920
Speaker 3: years old.

1666
01:24:17,080 --> 01:24:21,040
Speaker 2: Does two? My mom had twenty two. She didn't know

1667
01:24:21,160 --> 01:24:23,280
Speaker 2: anything either. She told me she's like, I had no idea.

1668
01:24:23,439 --> 01:24:26,000
Speaker 3: Well, if he wins tomorrow, he's going to be the

1669
01:24:26,280 --> 01:24:28,280
Speaker 3: youngest Australian Open winner.

1670
01:24:28,360 --> 01:24:29,400
Speaker 2: So it's eight.

1671
01:24:29,640 --> 01:24:34,640
Speaker 3: It's age and wisdom versus youth and vitality and athleticism.

1672
01:24:34,920 --> 01:24:38,160
Speaker 3: But I mean, I gotta be honest, Djokovic looks amazing.

1673
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:40,240
Speaker 3: I was talking to the women at the at the

1674
01:24:40,320 --> 01:24:43,640
Speaker 3: Tennis club this morning about Joseavision.

1675
01:24:44,880 --> 01:24:49,799
Speaker 4: We've got something gets into absolutely.

1676
01:24:50,040 --> 01:24:52,720
Speaker 3: And but we were talking about how Djokovic still looks

1677
01:24:52,760 --> 01:24:54,960
Speaker 3: the same ten years ago. I mean, you know, he

1678
01:24:55,080 --> 01:24:57,920
Speaker 3: takes very good care of himself. He's he's plant based

1679
01:24:58,000 --> 01:25:00,400
Speaker 3: and he talks about it all the time. But how

1680
01:25:00,439 --> 01:25:02,800
Speaker 3: does he win? Yes, he still has skills, he still

1681
01:25:02,840 --> 01:25:03,960
Speaker 3: has agility.

1682
01:25:03,720 --> 01:25:06,000
Speaker 5: Still does the smells now in tennis years right, So

1683
01:25:06,120 --> 01:25:08,519
Speaker 5: he's a sneaky bastard. I mean he knows things and

1684
01:25:08,560 --> 01:25:10,600
Speaker 5: how to manipulate mental it.

1685
01:25:10,720 --> 01:25:14,240
Speaker 3: Is his mental game is what says sets him apart

1686
01:25:14,320 --> 01:25:16,280
Speaker 3: from all the other ones. He knows he's got to

1687
01:25:16,360 --> 01:25:19,000
Speaker 3: keep steady and that's what's going to win. So how

1688
01:25:19,120 --> 01:25:23,560
Speaker 3: fun would it be to talk about you know what?

1689
01:25:24,320 --> 01:25:24,479
Speaker 6: You know?

1690
01:25:25,400 --> 01:25:28,599
Speaker 3: What are you better at now with all the wisdom

1691
01:25:29,600 --> 01:25:31,920
Speaker 3: that comes with age then you were back when you

1692
01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:32,720
Speaker 3: were twenty two?

1693
01:25:32,880 --> 01:25:35,439
Speaker 5: So in other words, after the world has beaten us down,

1694
01:25:36,320 --> 01:25:39,120
Speaker 5: after we have been in it and slogging through the

1695
01:25:39,280 --> 01:25:40,479
Speaker 5: mess that is life is.

1696
01:25:40,560 --> 01:25:46,200
Speaker 3: Through heartbreak, money issues, COVID like, we've been hit by

1697
01:25:46,280 --> 01:25:47,680
Speaker 3: all kinds of stuff.

1698
01:25:47,520 --> 01:25:50,360
Speaker 2: All kinds of crazy stuff. Yeah yeah yeah, So wisdom

1699
01:25:50,439 --> 01:25:54,400
Speaker 2: and age, Yeah, wisdom and age. What would you you know,

1700
01:25:54,520 --> 01:25:55,960
Speaker 2: what do you think you're better at now?

1701
01:25:56,400 --> 01:26:00,559
Speaker 3: Sirling with this wisdom and age versus your twenty year

1702
01:26:00,600 --> 01:26:03,080
Speaker 3: old self. What would you try and talk to your

1703
01:26:03,120 --> 01:26:04,400
Speaker 3: twenty two year old self.

1704
01:26:04,479 --> 01:26:08,760
Speaker 5: I tell him not to care anymore. I I mean,

1705
01:26:08,840 --> 01:26:11,479
Speaker 5: because there's something to being able to kill.

1706
01:26:11,520 --> 01:26:14,040
Speaker 2: It is that bad. I mean, I care, but you

1707
01:26:14,080 --> 01:26:15,920
Speaker 2: can care too much. It will kill you if you.

1708
01:26:16,320 --> 01:26:19,720
Speaker 5: I mean, Listen, there is so much going on that

1709
01:26:20,040 --> 01:26:22,280
Speaker 5: I think you have to at some point know how

1710
01:26:22,360 --> 01:26:24,519
Speaker 5: to disconnect and compartmentalize.

1711
01:26:24,880 --> 01:26:28,880
Speaker 2: I'll explain it this way. Okay, some women I.

1712
01:26:28,920 --> 01:26:33,120
Speaker 5: Have known in the past have accused me being able

1713
01:26:33,240 --> 01:26:39,479
Speaker 5: to u maybe too effectively compartmentalize your feelings, sure, and

1714
01:26:39,600 --> 01:26:42,240
Speaker 5: coping with things and dealing with things that sometimes like

1715
01:26:42,439 --> 01:26:45,680
Speaker 5: this has nothing to do with that, right, So I

1716
01:26:45,800 --> 01:26:48,160
Speaker 5: can work and have the relationship and all this stuff.

1717
01:26:48,320 --> 01:26:50,000
Speaker 5: But I mean, each of them have their place in

1718
01:26:50,120 --> 01:26:52,320
Speaker 5: my brain, in my mind, in my life as I

1719
01:26:52,439 --> 01:26:55,080
Speaker 5: carry on. But as a younger man, I probably was

1720
01:26:55,200 --> 01:26:57,560
Speaker 5: not able to keep and check my emotions.

1721
01:26:57,120 --> 01:26:59,559
Speaker 1: And I care too much.

1722
01:27:00,120 --> 01:27:02,080
Speaker 2: So now I've learned to not give the damn. I

1723
01:27:02,120 --> 01:27:03,200
Speaker 2: don't care any more.

1724
01:27:03,400 --> 01:27:05,120
Speaker 5: Weird way to put it, That a bad way put it.

1725
01:27:05,439 --> 01:27:08,280
Speaker 5: I mean, but caring less, isn't I mean, because it

1726
01:27:09,000 --> 01:27:12,200
Speaker 5: was killing me on the inside. No, of course, And

1727
01:27:12,360 --> 01:27:13,120
Speaker 5: this is the best.

1728
01:27:13,360 --> 01:27:13,599
Speaker 6: I mean.

1729
01:27:13,760 --> 01:27:16,560
Speaker 3: First of all, I love your roundabout answer, because it

1730
01:27:16,600 --> 01:27:17,439
Speaker 3: would be mine too.

1731
01:27:17,560 --> 01:27:21,640
Speaker 2: Emotional intelligence. Really, I like the way well I am

1732
01:27:21,720 --> 01:27:23,840
Speaker 2: emotionally now more intelligence.

1733
01:27:23,400 --> 01:27:27,839
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, because you stop let you stop. You've stopped

1734
01:27:27,960 --> 01:27:32,559
Speaker 3: let letting your emotions run away with you. So you've

1735
01:27:32,600 --> 01:27:36,560
Speaker 3: been able to manage how you feel about things and

1736
01:27:36,680 --> 01:27:39,800
Speaker 3: be able to That's like the greatest thing to learn.

1737
01:27:39,880 --> 01:27:43,040
Speaker 3: And it would be my skill too, would be communicating

1738
01:27:43,479 --> 01:27:46,959
Speaker 3: and having a lot more emotional intelligence, investing in myself

1739
01:27:47,080 --> 01:27:49,639
Speaker 3: in terms of my own happiness and what I want.

1740
01:27:50,040 --> 01:27:51,360
Speaker 2: I didn't do that at twenty two.

1741
01:27:51,520 --> 01:27:53,680
Speaker 5: Well, you don't know enough. You don't even know what

1742
01:27:53,800 --> 01:27:56,640
Speaker 5: you don't know. You don't know, right, Yes, So I

1743
01:27:56,760 --> 01:27:58,960
Speaker 5: mean part of that is knowing what to care about,

1744
01:27:59,080 --> 01:28:02,960
Speaker 5: what to worry about. Because here's the thing the trick

1745
01:28:03,200 --> 01:28:06,559
Speaker 5: for me and I've had this conversation with a friend

1746
01:28:06,600 --> 01:28:09,160
Speaker 5: of mine very recently and she was very upset with me.

1747
01:28:09,960 --> 01:28:14,559
Speaker 5: I said, I can't control it. I'm not happy about

1748
01:28:14,600 --> 01:28:17,360
Speaker 5: this stuff going on, but it has nothing to do

1749
01:28:17,479 --> 01:28:20,360
Speaker 5: with me, and I can't affect the outcome, so I

1750
01:28:20,560 --> 01:28:23,800
Speaker 5: have to leave it behind. It's not my problem. I

1751
01:28:23,920 --> 01:28:26,559
Speaker 5: can't there. I have no state of play in there

1752
01:28:26,640 --> 01:28:30,160
Speaker 5: at all, whatsoever. I'm aware of it. I'm concerned about it,

1753
01:28:30,439 --> 01:28:32,479
Speaker 5: but I've got to worry about me, and you do

1754
01:28:32,600 --> 01:28:35,920
Speaker 5: a bit, and that's it. And she was saying that

1755
01:28:36,000 --> 01:28:38,439
Speaker 5: I was insensitive and uncaring and I had problems, and

1756
01:28:38,479 --> 01:28:39,400
Speaker 5: I do have problems.

1757
01:28:40,120 --> 01:28:43,400
Speaker 4: Let's all right here, I know it brush those.

1758
01:28:43,240 --> 01:28:44,200
Speaker 1: That everybody knows.

1759
01:28:44,400 --> 01:28:44,799
Speaker 3: Really.

1760
01:28:45,000 --> 01:28:52,759
Speaker 2: Oh, by the way, guess who's guess who's dealing with stuff? Everybody? Everybody?

1761
01:28:54,080 --> 01:28:56,400
Speaker 2: Nobody from it? And am I right about that?

1762
01:28:56,520 --> 01:28:56,680
Speaker 3: Though?

1763
01:28:56,880 --> 01:28:58,599
Speaker 5: And she's a little bit younger, but I mean she's

1764
01:28:58,680 --> 01:28:59,920
Speaker 5: age appropriate, let's put it.

1765
01:29:00,120 --> 01:29:02,320
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, yes, it's not like she's twenty two.

1766
01:29:02,439 --> 01:29:05,439
Speaker 2: And I mean, well, women evolve this faster than Yeah,

1767
01:29:05,479 --> 01:29:07,479
Speaker 2: you are more emotional intelligent, there.

1768
01:29:07,439 --> 01:29:09,320
Speaker 3: Is no question, but there is there's a sense of

1769
01:29:09,920 --> 01:29:12,599
Speaker 3: a feeling of this is all happening for a reason

1770
01:29:13,080 --> 01:29:17,479
Speaker 3: to awaken a public of you know, sometimes it has

1771
01:29:17,560 --> 01:29:20,000
Speaker 3: to get worse before it gets better kind of a thing.

1772
01:29:20,160 --> 01:29:23,800
Speaker 3: So there's so so if you look at it that way,

1773
01:29:24,080 --> 01:29:27,519
Speaker 3: it's supposed to be. Now, do we need to continue

1774
01:29:27,560 --> 01:29:30,679
Speaker 3: to suffer? I don't think so. I mean, we've created

1775
01:29:30,760 --> 01:29:33,840
Speaker 3: so many I'm talking about human race. We've created a

1776
01:29:33,920 --> 01:29:36,040
Speaker 3: lot of pain and suffering, and we continue to do

1777
01:29:36,120 --> 01:29:39,120
Speaker 3: it in ourselves and in our relationships. That's why I

1778
01:29:39,240 --> 01:29:43,720
Speaker 3: talk from nine to midnight tonight. I'm doing that tonight.

1779
01:29:43,560 --> 01:29:47,439
Speaker 5: After west Coming exactly ysfunction. I like to put then

1780
01:29:47,520 --> 01:29:48,200
Speaker 5: in this function.

1781
01:29:48,400 --> 01:29:49,160
Speaker 2: Well I do too.

1782
01:29:49,479 --> 01:29:52,040
Speaker 3: I mean that's what we try and do, but we

1783
01:29:52,200 --> 01:29:55,880
Speaker 3: also try and help people understand that. Listen, you can't

1784
01:29:55,920 --> 01:29:58,720
Speaker 3: and I don't disagree with what you said to her,

1785
01:29:59,400 --> 01:30:03,560
Speaker 3: You can't. You can't fix everything. So how are you

1786
01:30:03,720 --> 01:30:06,640
Speaker 3: going to carry this on your back like bricks in

1787
01:30:06,720 --> 01:30:10,400
Speaker 3: a backpack? Correct and make yourself miserable? I think that's

1788
01:30:10,520 --> 01:30:12,960
Speaker 3: what people are doing right now, and we got to

1789
01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:14,360
Speaker 3: figure out a different way to handle that.

1790
01:30:14,479 --> 01:30:16,599
Speaker 5: So let's open up the phone, get people a chance

1791
01:30:16,640 --> 01:30:18,600
Speaker 5: to sound off. And there's no question that I was

1792
01:30:18,640 --> 01:30:21,360
Speaker 5: not as eloquent as you and I sometimes here's my problem,

1793
01:30:21,439 --> 01:30:25,360
Speaker 5: my filter. This job has been a blessing and a

1794
01:30:25,400 --> 01:30:27,040
Speaker 5: detriment over the years. And I've been doing this quite

1795
01:30:27,040 --> 01:30:29,240
Speaker 5: a while, whether you know here, part time, fill ins,

1796
01:30:29,280 --> 01:30:31,240
Speaker 5: whatever else and bounced here or there and back again.

1797
01:30:31,400 --> 01:30:35,080
Speaker 2: Radio people. Yeah, yeah, so you gotta know your spots

1798
01:30:35,200 --> 01:30:35,479
Speaker 2: or whatever.

1799
01:30:35,720 --> 01:30:38,080
Speaker 5: So five point three seven four ninety seven thousand, you

1800
01:30:38,120 --> 01:30:40,519
Speaker 5: got to pick your spots eight hundred, the Big One

1801
01:30:40,600 --> 01:30:43,360
Speaker 5: talk Back, the iHeartRadio app. You can leave a message

1802
01:30:43,400 --> 01:30:44,439
Speaker 5: there on the mic. I don't know what I said,

1803
01:30:44,479 --> 01:30:47,680
Speaker 5: but it clearly maybe not as I intend it. So

1804
01:30:47,840 --> 01:30:49,640
Speaker 5: I guess the question is what are you better at

1805
01:30:49,760 --> 01:30:54,240
Speaker 5: now with life and wisdom and time under your belt

1806
01:30:54,439 --> 01:30:57,680
Speaker 5: as a human being, So with wisdom and age that

1807
01:30:57,720 --> 01:30:59,559
Speaker 5: you can handle now better that you couldn't in your

1808
01:30:59,600 --> 01:31:00,439
Speaker 5: early life years.

1809
01:31:00,640 --> 01:31:02,840
Speaker 2: Correct? Is that a good question? Is that it's just

1810
01:31:02,960 --> 01:31:04,640
Speaker 2: really wordy, So think about it.

1811
01:31:04,800 --> 01:31:09,559
Speaker 3: Djokovic versus Alcarez in the finals in Australian thirty eight

1812
01:31:09,840 --> 01:31:13,800
Speaker 3: to twenty two. Is there a chance he's gonna win? Yes,

1813
01:31:14,160 --> 01:31:17,080
Speaker 3: there's a big chance he's gonna win. Is Carlos alkaiz

1814
01:31:17,160 --> 01:31:20,240
Speaker 3: favored because he's got those young legs and he's got

1815
01:31:20,280 --> 01:31:22,120
Speaker 3: all heart and crazy?

1816
01:31:22,560 --> 01:31:28,400
Speaker 9: But but Djokovic has wisdom and sometimes when you don't know,

1817
01:31:28,560 --> 01:31:31,240
Speaker 9: confidence encourage when you don't know what you don't know,

1818
01:31:31,920 --> 01:31:34,559
Speaker 9: Sometimes that can be a benefit too, because you're ignorant

1819
01:31:34,600 --> 01:31:35,560
Speaker 9: to the circumstance.

1820
01:31:36,320 --> 01:31:38,880
Speaker 2: It was nice when you didn't know back in the Dude,

1821
01:31:39,920 --> 01:31:40,240
Speaker 2: there's a.

1822
01:31:40,240 --> 01:31:42,439
Speaker 1: Lot I didn't know. No, I shouldn't know.

1823
01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:44,360
Speaker 5: What do you do better now that you didn't do

1824
01:31:44,479 --> 01:31:47,000
Speaker 5: in your teen's, twenties, thirties, whatever years you are. If

1825
01:31:47,000 --> 01:31:48,880
Speaker 5: you're a hundred, then in your eighties you're like, yeah,

1826
01:31:48,880 --> 01:31:51,000
Speaker 5: I've learned over the last two decades. I'm hitting the

1827
01:31:51,080 --> 01:31:53,400
Speaker 5: century mark. I'm not going to care or whatever else.

1828
01:31:53,439 --> 01:31:56,040
Speaker 5: It is five one, three, seven, four, nine, seven, eight hundred,

1829
01:31:56,040 --> 01:31:58,439
Speaker 5: the big one, your chance to get interactive here on

1830
01:31:58,520 --> 01:32:01,160
Speaker 5: a Saturday, Sterling and Donnade. There's a lot of stuff

1831
01:32:01,320 --> 01:32:04,479
Speaker 5: I think in life about that earned business, about that, right,

1832
01:32:04,760 --> 01:32:06,840
Speaker 5: I mean, whether you're in sales, or whether you're you know,

1833
01:32:06,960 --> 01:32:09,639
Speaker 5: cleaning wind shields or putting them in up in dating

1834
01:32:09,640 --> 01:32:11,439
Speaker 5: at the Fouow or whatever that place is called that

1835
01:32:11,640 --> 01:32:14,400
Speaker 5: does all the windshields and everything, or whether you're working

1836
01:32:14,479 --> 01:32:18,879
Speaker 5: at ge or whatever it is. With experience, with knowledge,

1837
01:32:19,040 --> 01:32:22,320
Speaker 5: with understanding of whatever it is that you're involved with,

1838
01:32:23,080 --> 01:32:24,920
Speaker 5: that you kind of go, Okay, this is the stuff

1839
01:32:24,960 --> 01:32:25,479
Speaker 5: to worry about.

1840
01:32:25,600 --> 01:32:27,519
Speaker 2: This is stuff not to worry about. This I have

1841
01:32:27,720 --> 01:32:31,000
Speaker 2: to handle, and I think that is better for everybody.

1842
01:32:31,160 --> 01:32:35,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think certainly in sales there's a there's a

1843
01:32:35,479 --> 01:32:39,639
Speaker 3: level of growth that happens you and it's not about failing.

1844
01:32:39,840 --> 01:32:43,880
Speaker 3: It's about getting there, trying trying something and learning the

1845
01:32:44,160 --> 01:32:45,720
Speaker 3: lessons and getting better at it.

1846
01:32:45,840 --> 01:32:47,839
Speaker 5: There you go to bond Hill. Let's talk to Rafael

1847
01:32:47,960 --> 01:32:49,479
Speaker 5: with Sterling and Donna Delle on the big one. What

1848
01:32:49,520 --> 01:32:51,720
Speaker 5: are you better at now, Raphael that you were not

1849
01:32:51,880 --> 01:32:53,599
Speaker 5: in the past and why?

1850
01:32:54,760 --> 01:32:57,280
Speaker 6: I would say, Well, first of all, you know, I'm

1851
01:32:57,320 --> 01:33:01,680
Speaker 6: still operating from the play book, the blueprint that my

1852
01:33:01,800 --> 01:33:04,760
Speaker 6: grandparents and parents laid out for me. I carried with

1853
01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:09,920
Speaker 6: that were with me every day. But I would say

1854
01:33:10,320 --> 01:33:19,680
Speaker 6: now I'm better as a human with listening. And I

1855
01:33:20,000 --> 01:33:27,120
Speaker 6: would say the managing and of finances, money and when

1856
01:33:27,160 --> 01:33:30,479
Speaker 6: it comes to investing, because you know, when I was younger,

1857
01:33:30,560 --> 01:33:34,040
Speaker 6: guys just had what my you know, parents and grandparents

1858
01:33:34,120 --> 01:33:37,439
Speaker 6: instilled in me. And I'm not saying this is unique

1859
01:33:37,479 --> 01:33:41,080
Speaker 6: to you know, a black household, how old are In

1860
01:33:41,200 --> 01:33:45,040
Speaker 6: a sense, it can run across racial demographics. But I

1861
01:33:45,160 --> 01:33:48,480
Speaker 6: know from where my parents and grandparents and great grandparents

1862
01:33:48,560 --> 01:33:51,439
Speaker 6: came from, they didn't have much. So what they had

1863
01:33:52,040 --> 01:33:55,760
Speaker 6: they had to save it just in case they showed

1864
01:33:55,880 --> 01:33:58,600
Speaker 6: they it wouldn't be taken away from them or they

1865
01:33:58,640 --> 01:34:02,479
Speaker 6: would lose it. They would run out. So there was

1866
01:34:02,600 --> 01:34:08,879
Speaker 6: no investing type you know, you know, information or education.

1867
01:34:09,520 --> 01:34:11,360
Speaker 6: When I was coming up with my parents, it was

1868
01:34:12,000 --> 01:34:15,800
Speaker 6: you know, passed down to them from their grandparents. Work

1869
01:34:15,880 --> 01:34:18,880
Speaker 6: hard and save your money. Now, and that's why I'm

1870
01:34:18,920 --> 01:34:22,000
Speaker 6: saying that now. You know, well, I would say maybe

1871
01:34:22,040 --> 01:34:26,960
Speaker 6: over the past maybe two decades, I started investing and

1872
01:34:27,080 --> 01:34:32,200
Speaker 6: I like it a lot, and preparing for retirement. But

1873
01:34:32,720 --> 01:34:35,559
Speaker 6: before then, you know, like I said, you know, early,

1874
01:34:35,800 --> 01:34:38,200
Speaker 6: you know, younger, I was taking the page from my

1875
01:34:38,320 --> 01:34:41,080
Speaker 6: parents and grandparents. Just working hard and saving money.

1876
01:34:41,479 --> 01:34:41,639
Speaker 1: Yep.

1877
01:34:42,280 --> 01:34:46,280
Speaker 6: And so those are two things I would say listening,

1878
01:34:47,160 --> 01:34:51,919
Speaker 6: and I would say, because like you were saying, Dondee,

1879
01:34:52,000 --> 01:34:55,080
Speaker 6: you know that you know, with ages wisdom and Djokovic

1880
01:34:55,160 --> 01:34:57,120
Speaker 6: even though he has you know, wisdom and he has

1881
01:34:57,160 --> 01:35:00,479
Speaker 6: that experience, and don't forget he has a heart. That's

1882
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:03,720
Speaker 6: because you know, Djokovic and Kobe Bryant were close, and

1883
01:35:04,520 --> 01:35:08,440
Speaker 6: Djokovic has that mama mentality. I'm not saying Carlos Alcaraz

1884
01:35:08,479 --> 01:35:12,640
Speaker 6: doesn't have it eat as well, but you know, Djokovic

1885
01:35:12,720 --> 01:35:14,120
Speaker 6: has an incredible hart.

1886
01:35:14,160 --> 01:35:15,920
Speaker 2: Could not agree with ill.

1887
01:35:16,080 --> 01:35:19,599
Speaker 3: And two of my favorites are Kobe Bryant and Novak Djokovic.

1888
01:35:19,840 --> 01:35:20,400
Speaker 2: What a great call.

1889
01:35:20,560 --> 01:35:24,120
Speaker 4: Yes, they were tight listening is such a good.

1890
01:35:24,120 --> 01:35:26,439
Speaker 2: Amazing tool. I can't believe you said that. So good

1891
01:35:26,479 --> 01:35:27,120
Speaker 2: for you, Rafael.

1892
01:35:27,240 --> 01:35:28,760
Speaker 5: Always good to talk to men. Thanks for listening to

1893
01:35:28,800 --> 01:35:31,400
Speaker 5: being part of the show. That's fantastic. Yeah, Rafi's always good.

1894
01:35:32,200 --> 01:35:33,719
Speaker 5: I'm trying to listen more. But you know what's funny

1895
01:35:33,720 --> 01:35:35,760
Speaker 5: when you take calls like this and then they'll go

1896
01:35:35,840 --> 01:35:38,599
Speaker 5: are you there? And I'm like, I'm listening, like they're shock. Yeah,

1897
01:35:38,680 --> 01:35:39,439
Speaker 5: but I'm actually going.

1898
01:35:39,560 --> 01:35:41,160
Speaker 4: We give a lot of space too.

1899
01:35:41,280 --> 01:35:43,280
Speaker 2: It's nice to sit and listen to our listeners.

1900
01:35:43,439 --> 01:35:46,719
Speaker 5: That's exactly right. Five point three seven nine, eight hundred

1901
01:35:46,760 --> 01:35:48,080
Speaker 5: The Big One. Want to know what are you better

1902
01:35:48,120 --> 01:35:50,640
Speaker 5: at now with a little experience under your belt. In

1903
01:35:50,720 --> 01:35:52,840
Speaker 5: the past you weren't so good at necessarily?

1904
01:35:52,920 --> 01:35:54,960
Speaker 2: What have you learned to? Madeira and Tom with Sterling

1905
01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:56,000
Speaker 2: and Donnade on the Big One?

1906
01:35:56,040 --> 01:35:56,360
Speaker 3: What do you have?

1907
01:35:56,479 --> 01:35:56,719
Speaker 7: Tom?

1908
01:35:58,880 --> 01:35:59,280
Speaker 2: Are you there?

1909
01:35:59,320 --> 01:35:59,559
Speaker 6: Tom?

1910
01:36:00,680 --> 01:36:03,680
Speaker 5: Once twice so you can sort of sound like you

1911
01:36:05,080 --> 01:36:10,519
Speaker 5: But I don't know there. I always get concerned when

1912
01:36:10,560 --> 01:36:11,200
Speaker 5: that happens.

1913
01:36:11,439 --> 01:36:12,080
Speaker 2: Where did they go?

1914
01:36:13,120 --> 01:36:16,160
Speaker 5: Well, they went into the end, they drive off the road.

1915
01:36:17,640 --> 01:36:20,120
Speaker 5: It's very unnerving to me. I hope, I hope he's

1916
01:36:20,120 --> 01:36:23,080
Speaker 5: all right. He was waiting a minute back. Yeah, please,

1917
01:36:23,160 --> 01:36:25,160
Speaker 5: I hope you're okay. It's a it's a difficult thing.

1918
01:36:25,560 --> 01:36:28,360
Speaker 5: It's tough. I think a lot of life is that way.

1919
01:36:28,520 --> 01:36:30,479
Speaker 5: And when you're younger, at least when I was, I

1920
01:36:30,600 --> 01:36:32,960
Speaker 5: was in such a hurry. I wanted to do grown

1921
01:36:33,000 --> 01:36:34,800
Speaker 5: up stuff, wanted to be a man, wanted to handle

1922
01:36:34,880 --> 01:36:37,040
Speaker 5: my business, didn't want to be a burden on mom.

1923
01:36:37,160 --> 01:36:39,240
Speaker 5: She did it on her own basically anyway. I mean

1924
01:36:39,240 --> 01:36:41,240
Speaker 5: if she didn't Dad helped it. I mean as far

1925
01:36:41,320 --> 01:36:42,439
Speaker 5: as putting me in there.

1926
01:36:42,880 --> 01:36:44,640
Speaker 4: And then that's about it.

1927
01:36:44,720 --> 01:36:45,599
Speaker 2: That's about it, right.

1928
01:36:46,040 --> 01:36:47,880
Speaker 5: And then uh so she was she was doing what

1929
01:36:48,000 --> 01:36:49,600
Speaker 5: she had to do to make sure it roofed on

1930
01:36:49,680 --> 01:36:51,519
Speaker 5: my over my head, food on a plate, and she

1931
01:36:51,720 --> 01:36:53,880
Speaker 5: was on my feet, and I was like, I want

1932
01:36:53,880 --> 01:36:56,320
Speaker 5: to I'm wanna be mine to handle it. So yeah,

1933
01:36:56,600 --> 01:36:58,840
Speaker 5: and then you kind of forget and lose your way

1934
01:36:58,960 --> 01:37:01,880
Speaker 5: sometimes about I wish I would have goofed off more,

1935
01:37:02,360 --> 01:37:04,160
Speaker 5: you know, like my buddies would be like all work

1936
01:37:04,200 --> 01:37:07,200
Speaker 5: and no play. That's something that in hindsight, you never

1937
01:37:07,280 --> 01:37:10,240
Speaker 5: get that time back unless you're able to like cut

1938
01:37:10,280 --> 01:37:12,639
Speaker 5: away and like retire and have a lot of money

1939
01:37:12,680 --> 01:37:13,720
Speaker 5: to go goof off later on.

1940
01:37:14,080 --> 01:37:16,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, and and and you know it's nice to be

1941
01:37:16,600 --> 01:37:19,760
Speaker 3: able to enjoy the journey and goof off while you're

1942
01:37:19,920 --> 01:37:22,360
Speaker 3: doing some working and stuff. I was talking about that

1943
01:37:22,479 --> 01:37:24,360
Speaker 3: today because you know, I have a five you know,

1944
01:37:24,600 --> 01:37:27,760
Speaker 3: nine to five, or I am over forty hours a

1945
01:37:27,840 --> 01:37:29,720
Speaker 3: week on my other job, and then I come and

1946
01:37:30,040 --> 01:37:32,600
Speaker 3: you know, I teach you on the weekends like a

1947
01:37:32,720 --> 01:37:35,479
Speaker 3: six hours show. I believe it. But I said to

1948
01:37:35,560 --> 01:37:37,760
Speaker 3: her when I was talking to her today, I said,

1949
01:37:37,840 --> 01:37:39,960
Speaker 3: this isn't even like work.

1950
01:37:40,120 --> 01:37:43,120
Speaker 2: It's fun. So we goof off and laugh and joke.

1951
01:37:43,360 --> 01:37:46,320
Speaker 3: And yes, you still have to be here some at

1952
01:37:46,360 --> 01:37:49,719
Speaker 3: a certain time and stay a certain you know, length

1953
01:37:49,800 --> 01:37:51,200
Speaker 3: of time, but it's still fun.

1954
01:37:51,320 --> 01:37:53,639
Speaker 2: So you can work and have fun at the same time.

1955
01:37:53,640 --> 01:37:55,400
Speaker 2: I think. So we're doing it now. I just wanted

1956
01:37:55,400 --> 01:37:55,840
Speaker 2: to clear that.

1957
01:37:56,520 --> 01:37:59,280
Speaker 5: No, I mean, does it seem like I'm not having fun,

1958
01:37:59,320 --> 01:38:00,640
Speaker 5: But I mean, you know what I'm though as a kid,

1959
01:38:00,640 --> 01:38:01,559
Speaker 5: because like my friends.

1960
01:38:01,360 --> 01:38:03,479
Speaker 2: Would be like, oh, work and no play. Make Sterling

1961
01:38:03,520 --> 01:38:05,960
Speaker 2: a dull boy because I'd be working or whatever else.

1962
01:38:06,360 --> 01:38:09,280
Speaker 3: Well, it's been a fun show. Sterling is back tomorrow

1963
01:38:09,520 --> 01:38:13,400
Speaker 3: twelve to three. He's got a pack show who knows.

1964
01:38:13,479 --> 01:38:15,920
Speaker 3: I may even race in here to go be with

1965
01:38:16,000 --> 01:38:17,080
Speaker 3: him for at least an hour.

1966
01:38:17,800 --> 01:38:21,040
Speaker 2: It's been so fun. We're going to be back, doctor Wes.

1967
01:38:21,120 --> 01:38:23,480
Speaker 3: You and I are going to be back next Saturday

1968
01:38:24,760 --> 01:38:26,639
Speaker 3: with an exciting lineup as well.

1969
01:38:26,720 --> 01:38:28,000
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening.

1970
01:38:28,080 --> 01:38:32,440
Speaker 3: Stay warm, It's Dona D seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,