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Speaker 1: On seventeen w R.

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Speaker 2: It's more of the marks Emosia.

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Speaker 1: Well, Jackie Martlin, great comedian, Jackie the joke Man, who,

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Speaker 1: by the way, this coming Thursday next week will be

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Speaker 1: appearing at the Manhasset Cinemas. That's actually a great movie theater,

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Speaker 1: Man Hasset, Long Island, Thursday night, he'll be there. You

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Speaker 1: can get a personalized video go to cameo dot com

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Speaker 1: slash Jackie Martling. You can go to his website jokeland

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Speaker 1: dot com. Jackie Martling. How you doing?

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Speaker 2: I could not be better? Mark. Everything is wonderful and

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Speaker 2: you sound good. Hey, it's almost spring. Two more minutes,

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Speaker 2: it'll be spring.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's the that's good.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: This Manhasset Cinemas, it's a great movie theater. It's one

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Speaker 1: of the few movie theaters with a liquor licensees. But

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Speaker 1: what are you going to be doing at a movie theater?

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Speaker 2: Well, they switched it around. It's a performance space. Oh,

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Speaker 2: my old friend Jeff Krasner is a come on to

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Speaker 2: take take care of it. I think I'm the first

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Speaker 2: comedian that's working there. But it's a it's a great

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Speaker 2: stage place. You know, a lot of these theaters make

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Speaker 2: perfect comedy clubs.

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Speaker 1: You know, yeah, like the Paramount and Huntington. Wasn't that

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Speaker 1: a movie theater?

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Speaker 2: No, no, that it sounds like it, but no, that wasn't.

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Speaker 2: But you know, like the patch Hog Theater players like

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Speaker 2: that were great, you know. But I'm excited, all right.

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Speaker 2: So the girl's in the movies and she says.

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Speaker 3: To her date Ralphe. The guy next to me is masturbating.

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Speaker 3: This is ignore them, She's I can't. He's using my hands,

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Speaker 3: all right.

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Speaker 2: So a doctor calls one of the elderly patients. He says,

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Speaker 2: how you feeling, mister Burford. You know, doc, I feel fine,

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Speaker 2: but you know, it's the damnedest thing. Every night when

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Speaker 2: I get up to pee and I open up the

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Speaker 2: bathroom door, the light goes on from me automatically. Well,

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Speaker 2: a doctor's worried that the old guy's getting a little seniles,

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Speaker 2: so he calls the guy's son, and the son's wife

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Speaker 2: fancies He says, missus Bedford, I'm a little concerned about

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Speaker 2: your father in lords. When he gets up in the

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Speaker 2: middle of the night to yup to urinate and he

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Speaker 2: opens the bathroom door, he claims the light goes on

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Speaker 2: automatically and she says, Hey, Ernie Pop's peeing in the

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Speaker 2: refrigerator again. I didn't the question mark, what should you

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Speaker 2: do if there's a pitbull humping your leg? Well?

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Speaker 1: I hate to ask, but what.

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Speaker 2: Let him finish? So a guy comes home from work

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Speaker 2: and his wife says, Honey, I got good news and

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Speaker 2: bad news. You know, listen, I'm in no mood for

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Speaker 2: any more bad news. Just give me the good news.

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Speaker 2: She says. The landscaper is in sterile rib.

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Speaker 1: Hey something. You've been on the show for what thirty years?

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Speaker 1: You've told you've done fifty million appearances. I've never heard

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Speaker 1: your repeated joke. Where the hell do all these jokes?

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Speaker 2: Well? I deep, I go deep in my files and

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Speaker 2: I find them, and they're from forever. You know. I

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Speaker 2: I got a ridiculous amount of jokes. If anybody's interested

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Speaker 2: in how it goes about, I have a documentary on

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Speaker 2: Amazon Prime called joke Man, and you can see the

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Speaker 2: whole process. I mean, I've been collecting these jokes forever

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Speaker 2: and ever and ever, and I just love them, and

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Speaker 2: I come across them. I'll be driving along and I'll

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Speaker 2: think of one. I'll go, oh, I've never told that

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Speaker 2: I'm Mark Simon. I'll make myself a little note, you know,

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Speaker 2: because I like the fact that you don't know any

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Speaker 2: of these jokes. And people call me, you know, I

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Speaker 2: see people on the street they say, every time you're

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Speaker 2: on simone, it's different jokes. I'm like, well, I work

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Speaker 2: hard to do that, you know. Wow, So I work

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Speaker 2: hard for you. I hope you appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: Oh, we do. And I've seen that documentary. It's very

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Speaker 1: good to watch that documentary. You actually show your house

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Speaker 1: where you keep all the jokes in that big room

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Speaker 1: and Willie Nelson, you know. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So a kid and his dog are sitting on a stoop.

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Speaker 2: The guys walking along A says, kid, does your dog bite? Now,

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Speaker 2: we can't bite. The guy reaches down, pets the dog,

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Speaker 2: and the dog bites his fingers and he starts to bleed.

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Speaker 2: This kid, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite.

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Speaker 2: The kid says he don't, just ain't my dog. So

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Speaker 2: the doctor says, my friend, you've over done it with

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Speaker 2: your sex life. You're totally burnt out. You know what

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Speaker 2: you got left the rest of your life? Fourteen orgasms.

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Speaker 2: That's it. Fourteen orgasms. The guy goes home tells his

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Speaker 2: wife the news. She says, on now, well, we better

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Speaker 2: make a list of when you're gonna use him. He says,

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Speaker 2: I already did you ain't on it right? Here's one

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Speaker 2: for another question. If the dove is the bird of peace,

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Speaker 2: what's the bird of true love?

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: The swallow don't go all goes to the doctor and

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Speaker 2: her knees are all cut up. The doctor says, what

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Speaker 2: happened to your knees? She's from making love doggy style? Well,

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Speaker 2: don't you know any other position besides doggy style? She says, yeah,

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Speaker 2: but my doggie don't. So I cleaned it up for

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Speaker 2: you today.

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Speaker 1: Oh god, I can imagine if we if somebody comes

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Speaker 1: to see you Thursday night, he's gonna beat the Manhasset Cinema.

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Speaker 1: You will get the uncleaned up version.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it'll be uh an hour's worth of brutal, brutal jokes.

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Speaker 2: And now what I've been doing is I do my

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Speaker 2: show and afterwards I do a long Q and A.

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Speaker 2: Because we have so many questions about the about the

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Speaker 2: Stern show, and about stand up and about Long Island comedy.

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Speaker 2: And you know, my show is like an hour and

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Speaker 2: a lot of times the Q and A goes another hour,

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Speaker 2: and I you know, I love it because it's always interesting,

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Speaker 2: always different, and it's usually pretty funny. So come on out,

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Speaker 2: Manhasset Cinema, eight pm. That's next Thursday.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, explain Long Island comedy, because you guys, Long Island,

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Speaker 1: you've produced a lot of great comedians. Jimmy Faylos the latest,

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Speaker 1: but a lot of them. Why is that right?

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Speaker 2: I always say it's the water. It's the salt. Water

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Speaker 2: makes everybody horny. And people are horny. They tell jokes,

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Speaker 2: they want to meet girls, they want to be funny.

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Speaker 2: So I've always thought it was the you know, the seafood.

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Speaker 2: You know the boys from Babel Seafood, they say, you know,

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Speaker 2: the people come in and buy the seafood. Then they

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Speaker 2: come back in with a big smile on their face

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Speaker 2: because you know, the seafood is good for sex, you know,

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Speaker 2: clams and oysters and shrimp. That guess makes you crazy.

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Speaker 2: I know it gets me crazy, but I don't need

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Speaker 2: that to get crazy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but you could, you could. There have a million

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Speaker 1: great comedians from Long Island. Can you name a great

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Speaker 1: comedian from Connecticut?

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Speaker 2: I don't think so, you know, I'm sure there are,

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Speaker 2: and I'm gonna get in trouble. You know, the comedians

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Speaker 2: that are great from from Connecticut are ones that have

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Speaker 2: moved there from New York.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you can talk.

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Speaker 2: There ain't a lot of them, used to be a lot. Hey, hey, Mark,

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Speaker 2: why is sex better than bowling?

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Speaker 4: Why the ball's are lighter and you don't have to

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Speaker 4: change your shoes.

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Speaker 2: So a guy meets a girl in the bar and

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Speaker 2: they wind up parking in his car. So they're making

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Speaker 2: out hot and heavy and giving each other hickeys and

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Speaker 2: really going to it. And she says, Hey, you want

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Speaker 2: to get in the back seat. Oh no, I'm staying

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Speaker 2: up here with you. So I'm wrong. I'm working all over.

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Speaker 2: I got another gig coming up at March sixth. I'm

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Speaker 2: out at McGuire's out in Bohemia and going to Florida.

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Speaker 2: You know, at my age, you know Valentine's dam I'm

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Speaker 2: going to be seventy eight years old. WHOA how that happened? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: but I'm still rolling. I'm still rolling, Mark.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Hey, I like playing the movie theater. So there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of movies theaters that we really don't need anymore.

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Speaker 1: People don't go to the theater scene movie. But they

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Speaker 1: got seats, they got a stage, right, they could all

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Speaker 1: be great theaters, better than comedy.

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Speaker 2: They're all they're exactly the right size. They're all perfect.

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Speaker 2: You know, They're just perfect. And I always enjoy them,

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Speaker 2: you know, because you know, because people it's not you know,

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Speaker 2: there's not waitresses and drinks. You know, they're sitting watching

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Speaker 2: the show. You know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, when people are sitting at a round table, you know,

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Speaker 1: like like in a restaurant and you got to do comedy,

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Speaker 1: it's not. But when they have sit in theater seats

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Speaker 1: looking right at you, psychologically they pay more attention, don't they.

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Speaker 2: It's perfect. And not only that, but the closest people

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Speaker 2: are right in front of you, like right at your knees,

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Speaker 2: which is I love it where I could see the people.

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Speaker 2: You know, I'm watch them because they're laughter is what

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Speaker 2: propels you, you know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well see Jackie Martlin girl, go ahead, man Hasset Cinemas.

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Speaker 1: I think it's Planned Home Road right Thursday night and four.

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Speaker 2: Point thirty Planned Home Road, Thursday January twenty second, eight pm.

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Speaker 1: All right, we'll give us a couple more before we

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Speaker 1: have to go.

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Speaker 2: So why is the sheep better than a woman?

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Speaker 1: Oh god? Oh no, Why.

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Speaker 2: A sheep doesn't care if you have sex with her? Sister?

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Speaker 2: I got a classic for you, Well say goodbye with

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Speaker 2: this one. Go to Bayville Seafood. I love the boys.

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Speaker 2: They take care of me and Valentine's Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I always mentioned this Payville Seafood. You really eat a

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Speaker 1: lot of seafood, don't you.

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Speaker 2: You know. I bring like a couple of pounds of

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Speaker 2: shrimp to every family party, and my girlfriend Barbara just

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Speaker 2: loves halibit and we like to get the bike clams,

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Speaker 2: you know, and they're there's literally a one minute walk

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Speaker 2: for my house.

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Speaker 3: Good.

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Speaker 1: This is very healthy. If you were plug plugging a

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Speaker 1: butcher all the time, that'd be unhealthy. But a seafood perfect.

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Speaker 2: No, No, it's really healthy. And they're really good to me.

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Speaker 2: They're really great guys, and they listen to your show

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Speaker 2: every day, so when I come on, it just makes

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Speaker 2: them happy. I go in there and they're all glowing,

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Speaker 2: you know. So I'll see him later today and they'll

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Speaker 2: they'll critique me. They'll say, oh, the jokes were okay,

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Speaker 2: or they'll say, wow, you're a riot today. So let's

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Speaker 2: wish me luck.

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Speaker 1: Well, we got to go in the side. Give us

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Speaker 1: one more so.

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Speaker 2: A guy sitting in the living room when his wife

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Speaker 2: walks in wearing just a man tailid shirt and panties.

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Speaker 2: She says, Honey, have you ever seen fifty bucks all

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Speaker 2: crumpled up? He says no. She smiles at him with

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Speaker 2: sexy smile, unbuttons the top three buttons, reaches down into

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Speaker 2: her cleavage and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

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Speaker 2: She hands them the fifty and says, have you ever

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Speaker 2: seen one thousand dollars all crumpled up? He says no.

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Speaker 2: She reaches into her panties and pulled out a crumpled

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Speaker 2: thousand dollar bill. She hands them the thousand dollar bill

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Speaker 2: and says, now, have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars

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Speaker 2: all crumpled up? He says what? No? She says, go

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Speaker 2: look in the garage. I will talk to you next time. Mark,

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Speaker 2: thanks a lot.

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Speaker 1: To see Jackie Martling Thursday night, Manasset Cinemas. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: being with us.

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Speaker 2: I'll be the Thanks Mark, all right.

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Speaker 1: Take care? Uh hey, no't forget coming up at noon.

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Speaker 1: Buck and Clay. It's a great show every day at

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Speaker 1: twelve noon most listen to radio show in America is

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Speaker 1: right here on WR three o'clock every day, Sean Hannity,

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Speaker 1: then Jesse Kelly at six. And you love Jimmy Fayla.

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Speaker 1: He's really good, very funny. Every night nine to midnight.

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Speaker 1: That's all here on seven to ten wor