WEBVTT - Scott Sloan with Julie Hattershire -- 1/19/26

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Jules is here on this Martin Luther King Day.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you hear this happen before, So your adult child,

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<v Speaker 1>you're adult child now tells you things about their childhood

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<v Speaker 1>or maybe things that happened that you may have forgotten

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<v Speaker 1>about don't match what liney and your memories don't line

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<v Speaker 1>up obviously, and maybe they're describing, you know, problems, hurt, loneliness,

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<v Speaker 1>fear from moments that you probably have forgotten about or

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<v Speaker 1>barely remember, or maybe you remember things completely differently because

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<v Speaker 1>you're coming at it from a different perspective, and so

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<v Speaker 1>you want to correct them, and that would be the

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<v Speaker 1>bad move. It's validation versus agreement. And Julie is here

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about that this morning on Mental Health Money. Julie,

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<v Speaker 1>good morning, how are you.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey, I'm good. How are you?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm doing fine. This probably happens a lot.

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<v Speaker 2>It happens a lot, sometimes in really big ways and

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes just in little ways, like you know, your kid

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<v Speaker 2>will say, hey, do you remember when this thing happened?

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<v Speaker 2>And you're like, yeah, that's not how I remember it

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<v Speaker 2>at all. And sometimes it can be a much bigger conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>If your adult child has some significant problems or challenges

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<v Speaker 2>with how they were raised. So it can happen in

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<v Speaker 2>ways big and small. But as parents, it can really

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<v Speaker 2>be hard for us to hear that we did anything

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<v Speaker 2>wrong or that anything we did had a negative impact

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<v Speaker 2>on our kids, because all we want is what's best

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<v Speaker 2>for our children, right, and so that can be a

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<v Speaker 2>hard thing to hear.

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<v Speaker 1>Of course, And of course a younger version of yourself

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<v Speaker 1>knows a lot less in the current version, and you're

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<v Speaker 1>also a lot more calm, especially from a guy's perspective,

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<v Speaker 1>And there are things that you probably remember and cringe

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<v Speaker 1>at that they have forgotten, but other things that may

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<v Speaker 1>have happened you thought it was pretty good, and it

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<v Speaker 1>turns out it was traumatic for them. It doesn't mean

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<v Speaker 1>you're right in there wrong or vice versa correct.

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<v Speaker 2>It just means that you know, keeping in mind, you

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<v Speaker 2>were the adult at the time and they were the child,

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<v Speaker 2>so they obviously have a very different perspective of the

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<v Speaker 2>same situation than you do. But also it's easy to

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<v Speaker 2>wonder how they got to where they are and to

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<v Speaker 2>want to be curious about that and to ask questions

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<v Speaker 2>about how they ended up getting that perspective or that

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<v Speaker 2>thinking or that feeling from that situation that felt very

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<v Speaker 2>different to you.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, So if you're a parent, let's start with us.

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<v Speaker 1>How can you distinguish between validating their emotional experience what

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<v Speaker 1>they see and accepting responsibility for harm that they don't

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<v Speaker 1>believe they cause.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, so validating and accepting responsibility are not anywhere near

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<v Speaker 2>the same thing. So validating is saying, yeah, if it

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<v Speaker 2>went down the way you say it did, I can

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<v Speaker 2>see why that was hard for you. Or I'm really

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<v Speaker 2>sorry that that experience that I saw very differently was

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<v Speaker 2>so difficult for you. A really great example is a

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<v Speaker 2>vacation that parents think is terrific and kids feel they'd

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<v Speaker 2>rather be home with their friends. They feel like their

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<v Speaker 2>schedule was disrupted, They've got anxiety about what's coming next.

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<v Speaker 2>They're processing a lot of novelty in their little brains.

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<v Speaker 2>Parents think it's fabulous, they know what's going on. The

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<v Speaker 2>kids are kind of along for the ride, and so

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<v Speaker 2>the parents may think it was a wonderful trip and

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<v Speaker 2>the kids may feel it was very destabilizing. That doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>mean it was a bad trip. That just means that

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<v Speaker 2>they were different people at different life stages and had

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<v Speaker 2>different experiences of it. So to be able to say,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so sorry that what we thought was going to

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<v Speaker 2>be a really great thing for you turned out not

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<v Speaker 2>to be a really great thing for you. It's not

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<v Speaker 2>saying you were wrong as a parent, it's just recognizing

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<v Speaker 2>that your best intentions fell short for that child at

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<v Speaker 2>that moment in time.

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<v Speaker 1>Isn't that why Christmas Vacation still hits? Because that's ultimately

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<v Speaker 1>what that movie is, right, Chevy Chase wants to have

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<v Speaker 1>everything perfect for the hell for their kids are these

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<v Speaker 1>great experiences and it always is a complete nightmare. That's

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<v Speaker 1>every parent.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it really can be. I had a client call

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<v Speaker 2>me from Disney World. This was years and years ago.

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<v Speaker 2>He was there with his wife and his children, and

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<v Speaker 2>he said, okay, Julie, Disney is not the happiest place

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<v Speaker 2>on earth. She said, the kids are miserable. He said,

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<v Speaker 2>the kids are miserable. They don't want to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>It's too loud, it's too hot, to crowded. We're coming home.

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<v Speaker 2>Disney is not the happiest place on earth. So they

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<v Speaker 2>planned this wonderful trip for their children, and the kids

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<v Speaker 2>were just not happy, and they came home early. That's

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<v Speaker 2>an indication of a parent understanding a kid's experience in

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<v Speaker 2>real time. But I could easily see later on those

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<v Speaker 2>kids coming back and saying, you know that trip to

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<v Speaker 2>Disney that she took us on, Man, that was a nightmare.

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<v Speaker 2>That was really hard for me, and the parent being

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<v Speaker 2>really ascended by that or hurt by that.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because you spent all it's the time effort of money,

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<v Speaker 1>because you have this great family vacation in mind, or

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<v Speaker 1>whatever it is the event. It could be the holidays,

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<v Speaker 1>as I mentioned to that, and it never lives up

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<v Speaker 1>to you, so you're upset and mad about it from

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<v Speaker 1>a different reason.

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<v Speaker 2>They are exactly exactly. And so it's important as a parent,

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<v Speaker 2>if your child is coming to you with this kind

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<v Speaker 2>of conversation, to try really hard not to be defensive,

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<v Speaker 2>to try really hard not to explain your perspective or

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<v Speaker 2>to explain the situation or to justify your choices, but

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<v Speaker 2>just to listen to what they're telling you and get

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<v Speaker 2>really curious about it and say, tell me more, I

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<v Speaker 2>want to understand what that was like for you, And

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<v Speaker 2>try to be as non defensive as possible, and stop

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<v Speaker 2>if you find yourself getting really worked up and wanting

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<v Speaker 2>to argue back with them, because then you're in an

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<v Speaker 2>argument versus understanding conversation. And that's really what we want

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<v Speaker 2>as parents, is to be able to understand where our

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<v Speaker 2>kids are and at some point offer them our perspective. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>I hear you. Now. I want you to understand what

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<v Speaker 2>it was like for me. Are you open to hearing

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<v Speaker 2>that and offer them that perspective at some point, but

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<v Speaker 2>not right away, not while they're talking.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, Julie hantersh you here a licensed mental health therapist

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<v Speaker 1>in Cincinnati. That's mental health Monday in the Scott Sloan

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<v Speaker 1>Show on seven hundred WLW. We're talking about adult children

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<v Speaker 1>when you get to this point, because everything you do

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<v Speaker 1>as a young parent, you think, Okay, I'm trying to

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<v Speaker 1>do the best I can, and I think kids know that.

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<v Speaker 1>But when your adult child spits back to you, things

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<v Speaker 1>about their childhood and their version of events are different

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<v Speaker 1>than yours, and things that you thought were inocuous seem

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<v Speaker 1>to be harmful to them, and vice versa. You can

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<v Speaker 1>have that conversation. If I really want to screw that

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<v Speaker 1>conversation up with my adult kids, what would I do?

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<v Speaker 2>You'd get really defensive, You'd argue back and you would

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<v Speaker 2>compare their experience to their siblings experience, or your brother

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<v Speaker 2>and your sister thought it was great, so what's wrong

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<v Speaker 2>with you? You would invalidate what they're saying. If you

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<v Speaker 2>really want to screw it up, you would invalidate what

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<v Speaker 2>they're saying, and you would make them out to be

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<v Speaker 2>the villain or the scapegoat, that they were the problem,

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<v Speaker 2>that they caused all the difficulty, that it was because

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<v Speaker 2>of them that it went that way, and everybody else

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<v Speaker 2>was faultless and blameless. So if you really wanted to

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<v Speaker 2>screw it up, that's what you'd.

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<v Speaker 1>Do, gotcha? Yeah? Right, It's like, no, what I feel matters,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm going to in I was like, wow, it's

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<v Speaker 1>interesting you would say that because I didn't see that

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<v Speaker 1>from my perspective, but I hear what you're saying exactly.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's also important to really take a moment to

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<v Speaker 2>reflect on you're looking at this from a distance as

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<v Speaker 2>they are. You are now in the present and you're

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<v Speaker 2>looking back. But if you can put yourself back in

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<v Speaker 2>that place, were you really as focused and present and

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<v Speaker 2>mindful and careful and thoughtful as you think you were? Like,

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<v Speaker 2>So an example right out of grad school, I worked

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<v Speaker 2>with cancer patients and their families, and I had young

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<v Speaker 2>kids at home, and I was working with life threatening

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<v Speaker 2>illness and death at work, and I was really struggling to, like,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, leave work and come home and be a

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<v Speaker 2>fully present, engaged, happy, bubbly, fun mom. And so when

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<v Speaker 2>one of my boys later in life said, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>that was a really tough time for me because you

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<v Speaker 2>weren't around, and you weren't like you were there, but

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<v Speaker 2>you weren't there, I had to reflect and say, honestly,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, you're right, I probably wasn't. I was brand

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<v Speaker 2>new doing this kind of work. I was working with

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<v Speaker 2>really hard stuff, and when I came home, I probably

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't there to the degree that I wanted to be

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<v Speaker 2>or thought I was. I can totally see that. That

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<v Speaker 2>took some reflection on my part to realize that how.

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<v Speaker 1>Much of this is kicking yourself as a parent, Julian,

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<v Speaker 1>and that it's like, wow, you think of the times

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<v Speaker 1>you could have done more, been there, or done things,

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<v Speaker 1>and you think, hey, there's a reason why my kids.

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<v Speaker 1>And it could be social, it could be relationship, it

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<v Speaker 1>could be job, could be substance. If you could be

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<v Speaker 1>all these things, we tend to blame ourselves. It's like, man,

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<v Speaker 1>I was terrible as a parent because my kid isn't

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<v Speaker 1>successful at this, this or this.

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<v Speaker 2>Well. I think that sometimes we parents take too much

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<v Speaker 2>of the blame and not enough of the credit for

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<v Speaker 2>how our kids turn out. That's not true for everybody.

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<v Speaker 2>I know parents who take all the credit for how

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<v Speaker 2>their kids turned out. But I think so many of

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<v Speaker 2>us say our kids' successes are theirs and their failures

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<v Speaker 2>are shortcomings or challenges are hours. And I think they're

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<v Speaker 2>partly ours, and they're partly theirs. And I think their

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<v Speaker 2>successes are partly ours and partly theirs. And I think

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<v Speaker 2>it's important to realize that that's true for our parents

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<v Speaker 2>as well. Like we are who we are because of

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<v Speaker 2>how we were raised, positively and negative our kids are

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<v Speaker 2>who they are because of how they were raised. And

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<v Speaker 2>your best intentions as a parent can still be the

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<v Speaker 2>wrong thing for one or more of your children. You

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<v Speaker 2>can't foresee every possible follow on consequence of any decision

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<v Speaker 2>you make. That's not to let you off the hook

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<v Speaker 2>for making bad decisions. That's just to say, no matter

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<v Speaker 2>how well you think you've figured it all, out and

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<v Speaker 2>thought it all through. Things can happen that you didn't

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<v Speaker 2>plan on that turn out to be not as good

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<v Speaker 2>as you'd hoped. So it's about taking the right amount

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<v Speaker 2>of responsibility for how your children turn out positively or negatively,

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<v Speaker 2>and giving them responsibility for how they turn out as well.

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<v Speaker 1>And part of this is you taking kind of them

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<v Speaker 1>taking come out of those ol So if you're an

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<v Speaker 1>adult child and you're having this conversation or why to

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<v Speaker 1>have this conversation, I guess the question would be is

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<v Speaker 1>it too late? I mean, if you know your parents

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<v Speaker 1>are in their nineties and you're in your sixties, it

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<v Speaker 1>said too late to talk about this kind of stuff,

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<v Speaker 1>or you probably won't, I'm guessing because the long or

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<v Speaker 1>it goes more uncomfortable, it's not only going to feel

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<v Speaker 1>but nobody's going to remember anything.

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<v Speaker 2>Well. That may be true, and is it necessary or

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<v Speaker 2>is it useful? That depends. So if what you're talking

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<v Speaker 2>about is something that has impacted who you are now

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<v Speaker 2>and you'd like your parent to understand you better like

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<v Speaker 2>I am this way in part because of these things

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<v Speaker 2>that happened in my childhood when you were bringing me up,

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<v Speaker 2>and you'd like them to understand you better. That's a

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<v Speaker 2>valid reason if you feel like you just need to

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<v Speaker 2>say these things. Whether your parent remembers or believes it

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<v Speaker 2>or understands it, or whether they're going to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to make any changes going forward or not, it's important

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<v Speaker 2>just for you to say it to them. Hey, I

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<v Speaker 2>am this way because of these positive things, but these

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<v Speaker 2>challenges I have, I think they're because of this. If

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<v Speaker 2>that's something that you need to do for yourself, that

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<v Speaker 2>makes sense if you find that what happened is getting

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<v Speaker 2>in the way of your relationship with them, and you'd

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<v Speaker 2>like to have a better relationship. Clearing the air, getting

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<v Speaker 2>some understanding, helping them know you better, and understanding maybe

0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:08.560
<v Speaker 2>more about how they saw things at that period of

0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:13.280
<v Speaker 2>time can really improve your relationship with at any age,

0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:16.600
<v Speaker 2>whether it's ninety or whether it's sixty five. It can

0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.640
<v Speaker 2>really help improve the relationship with your parents at any age.

0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:21.560
<v Speaker 2>One of my boys and I had just such a

0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.520
<v Speaker 2>conversation a few years ago, and things have been much

0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:25.760
<v Speaker 2>better between us since.

0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:28.800
<v Speaker 1>Do you say, hey, got to do some homework and

0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:30.280
<v Speaker 1>think of the ways I've screwed you up, or you

0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:34.280
<v Speaker 1>just have like an organic conversation make a list, but

0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:36.760
<v Speaker 1>on not more than three.

0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:39.920
<v Speaker 2>No more than three, of all the ways I screwed you. Yeah, right, Well,

0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:43.800
<v Speaker 2>I think if we parents are honest, we can look

0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:47.319
<v Speaker 2>back and see things that we wish we'd done differently,

0:11:47.920 --> 0:11:50.680
<v Speaker 2>wish we had done that we didn't, or wish we

0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:53.680
<v Speaker 2>hadn't done that we did. And I think that if

0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:57.120
<v Speaker 2>we can take our own inventory of how we succeeded

0:11:57.160 --> 0:12:00.520
<v Speaker 2>in where we sell short as a parent, than when

0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.600
<v Speaker 2>our kid and for many of us, this will happen

0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:05.880
<v Speaker 2>when our adult kid comes to us and says, hey,

0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:08.120
<v Speaker 2>I want to talk to you about something, and I'll

0:12:08.120 --> 0:12:11.000
<v Speaker 2>tell you often it happens when they themselves have children

0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:14.280
<v Speaker 2>and become parents. Then we've already done sort of an

0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:18.640
<v Speaker 2>inventory of that, and we have some sense of our

0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:23.319
<v Speaker 2>own of where we feel we exceeded expectations and where

0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.120
<v Speaker 2>we feel we fell short. So it shouldn't be a

0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:27.679
<v Speaker 2>huge shock to the system.

0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:30.199
<v Speaker 1>What else am I missing about this generational conversation?

0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:35.920
<v Speaker 2>Really well, I think that the important things to remember

0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:40.680
<v Speaker 2>are that children do this most of the time because

0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:44.000
<v Speaker 2>they want the relationship to be better, and they feel

0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:48.199
<v Speaker 2>misunderstood or not known by their parent, or they feel

0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:50.760
<v Speaker 2>like they don't understand why mom or dad showed up

0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:52.680
<v Speaker 2>the way they did at that point in time, and

0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:55.440
<v Speaker 2>they want the relationship to be better. And I think

0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.200
<v Speaker 2>when as parents people come to us, our kids come

0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:02.880
<v Speaker 2>to us and seemingly criticize our parenting, we feel like

0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:05.640
<v Speaker 2>it's because they want they don't want things to be better.

0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:09.760
<v Speaker 2>We feel it's negative, when in fact it's trying usually

0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:13.679
<v Speaker 2>trying to reach a level of understanding to improve the relationship,

0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:17.480
<v Speaker 2>to clear the air, to declutter things, and to get

0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:21.680
<v Speaker 2>some understanding between parent and child about what happened. And

0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:24.520
<v Speaker 2>so if we go into it with that mindset of

0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.760
<v Speaker 2>openness and curiosity and lack of judgment, I think that

0:13:27.800 --> 0:13:28.840
<v Speaker 2>can be really helpful.

0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:33.680
<v Speaker 1>Is it almost all the cases unless there's some major

0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:37.320
<v Speaker 1>event or major trauma when the parents dies or something

0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:42.000
<v Speaker 1>massive happens. In most cases, is it more like things

0:13:42.000 --> 0:13:43.959
<v Speaker 1>that you have forgotten about? Are they forgotten about or

0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:45.400
<v Speaker 1>they had a different prayer it was bigger for them

0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:46.720
<v Speaker 1>than wes U and vice versa.

0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:50.040
<v Speaker 2>Well, I think it's often bigger for them than it

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 2>is for us because they're children, and everything is bigger

0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:56.200
<v Speaker 2>for children than it is for adults, right, because they

0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:59.720
<v Speaker 2>don't have the experience or their perspective or the level

0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.560
<v Speaker 2>of un understanding of the world. Their world is what

0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:05.520
<v Speaker 2>we created it to be as parents when they're very young,

0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:09.600
<v Speaker 2>and so small things seemingly small things to us can

0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:13.120
<v Speaker 2>be really big to them. But also the same thing

0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:17.280
<v Speaker 2>can read differently to different children. So one of my sons,

0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.320
<v Speaker 2>if I would say to him, I'm really disappointed in

0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.240
<v Speaker 2>that choice you made, it would devastate him. The other

0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:24.640
<v Speaker 2>one would be like, thank you for offering your opinion, Julie,

0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:29.760
<v Speaker 2>I appreciate, and it wouldn't matter to him at all, right, right,

0:14:30.160 --> 0:14:33.000
<v Speaker 2>But for the one, it would devastate. If I said

0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm really disappointed, that was like a knife to the heart.

0:14:36.080 --> 0:14:41.680
<v Speaker 2>So different kids in the same situation can have different

0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:45.120
<v Speaker 2>reactions and perspectives to things. Also just depending on the

0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:48.000
<v Speaker 2>kind of person that they are and that they are becoming.

0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.720
<v Speaker 2>So yes, it's that their kids and worthy adults, but

0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:53.560
<v Speaker 2>also they're their own people. They're becoming their own people,

0:14:53.560 --> 0:14:55.320
<v Speaker 2>and so things are going to hit them differently.

0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:59.840
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, that makes total sense. Should you prepare for

0:14:59.840 --> 0:15:01.920
<v Speaker 1>them conversation ahead of time and say, hey, we're going

0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:03.560
<v Speaker 1>to sit down and talk about all these there you

0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.880
<v Speaker 1>just simply say, hey, you know what, how do you

0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:08.040
<v Speaker 1>how do you even open the subject?

0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:11.280
<v Speaker 2>Well, I think, uh.

0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:12.840
<v Speaker 1>The subject mom and dad or are kids?

0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:16.880
<v Speaker 2>Well, I think it could go either way. So I

0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:19.920
<v Speaker 2>think if you know, as a parent that there's some

0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:23.360
<v Speaker 2>distance or disconnect between you and your adult child, you

0:15:23.440 --> 0:15:27.000
<v Speaker 2>can say something like, I would really like to understand

0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:30.320
<v Speaker 2>why we feel so disconnected. I'd really like to understand

0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:33.000
<v Speaker 2>from your perspective, why there's so much distance here, because

0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:35.120
<v Speaker 2>I don't think it's coming from me. Maybe it is,

0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:37.080
<v Speaker 2>but I don't think so, So I'd really like to

0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:41.240
<v Speaker 2>understand that. But as if you're the kid, you can say, hey, listen,

0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:43.360
<v Speaker 2>there are a few things about my childhood that I'm

0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:48.280
<v Speaker 2>coming to understand differently or realizing or getting a different

0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:50.560
<v Speaker 2>perspective on, and i'd really like to talk to you

0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:53.320
<v Speaker 2>about them. Can we sit down and do that. It

0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:57.040
<v Speaker 2>is best not to just blindside people and hijack them

0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:59.880
<v Speaker 2>and start lobbing things at them when they're not expecting it,

0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:02.440
<v Speaker 2>but setting up a time to sit down and talk,

0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:04.960
<v Speaker 2>and then taking some time, if you're the one being

0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:08.200
<v Speaker 2>invited to the conversation, to really reflect on what my

0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:11.920
<v Speaker 2>role was, what may be coming up and how much

0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:14.600
<v Speaker 2>responsibility does it make sense for me to take?

0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:17.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I don't know how. And as a parent too,

0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:19.520
<v Speaker 1>so we always try to do it's best for our kids.

0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:21.960
<v Speaker 1>It's hard not to internalize this and take each one

0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:25.040
<v Speaker 1>of these things is like a major I guess in

0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:27.120
<v Speaker 1>affront to how we raise them, because I'm sure they

0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.040
<v Speaker 1>understand it was difficult and there's no roles for this,

0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:29.960
<v Speaker 1>especially they have kids of.

0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:34.560
<v Speaker 2>Their own, sure, and when they have kids of their own,

0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.200
<v Speaker 2>as I said, that's often a time when these conversations

0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:40.760
<v Speaker 2>come up because they're understanding things differently. They're seeing a

0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:44.760
<v Speaker 2>similar situation happen with their children that happened with them,

0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:47.400
<v Speaker 2>and they're recognizing how they handle it and how they

0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.920
<v Speaker 2>may have handled it similarly or differently to the way

0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:54.280
<v Speaker 2>their parents handled it. And so they're seeing the juxtaposition

0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.840
<v Speaker 2>of being a parent versus being a kid, and it

0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:01.280
<v Speaker 2>adds new perspectives to their childhood. And Yeah, it can

0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:04.359
<v Speaker 2>be a very difficult thing to hear from your kid

0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:08.680
<v Speaker 2>that things that you did didn't work well for them.

0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:11.680
<v Speaker 2>And the hardest ones, frankly, I think are the ones

0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:14.520
<v Speaker 2>that you thought you nailed and they're like no, no, no,

0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:18.040
<v Speaker 2>that was really bad. I mean I think right, all right,

0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:20.240
<v Speaker 2>so we can all look back and say, wow, I

0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:23.560
<v Speaker 2>really screwed that one up. I did not do that well.

0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:25.280
<v Speaker 2>And your kid says you did not do that well,

0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:27.520
<v Speaker 2>and you can say, no, I know, I really didn't

0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:29.920
<v Speaker 2>do that well. But the things you think you crushed

0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:33.359
<v Speaker 2>and they're like, nope, that was an epic fail. Those

0:17:33.400 --> 0:17:37.200
<v Speaker 2>are the hard ones because your perspectives really diverged there

0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:38.600
<v Speaker 2>in a very big way.

0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:40.880
<v Speaker 1>Well, instead of looking at this like an exit interview,

0:17:41.480 --> 0:17:43.399
<v Speaker 1>you probably should look at this as like, hey, you

0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:45.199
<v Speaker 1>know what, you're an adult, like, we're moving to a

0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.800
<v Speaker 1>different phase of our relationship, and the way to move

0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:51.480
<v Speaker 1>forward with it is having this conversation exactly.

0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:54.280
<v Speaker 2>And to understand how and why things happened the way

0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:58.400
<v Speaker 2>they happened. Usually when kids have these conversations with their parents,

0:17:58.640 --> 0:18:01.120
<v Speaker 2>they want to tell them their perspective, but then they

0:18:01.200 --> 0:18:03.119
<v Speaker 2>also really want to hear what was going on for

0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:05.640
<v Speaker 2>mom or dad at that point in time, why did

0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.880
<v Speaker 2>you choose this? Instead of that, I want to understand

0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:11.360
<v Speaker 2>you better too, not just I want to load all

0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:13.520
<v Speaker 2>unload all of this junk on you and then walk

0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:20.040
<v Speaker 2>away they're looking for some reconciliation, some understanding, some greater connection.

0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:23.439
<v Speaker 2>That's usually why they're doing it, and so keeping that

0:18:23.480 --> 0:18:26.240
<v Speaker 2>in mind can keep us as parents in the right headspace.

0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:26.800
<v Speaker 2>All right.

0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:29.439
<v Speaker 1>She's Julie hattersh here, a licensed metal health expert. Here

0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:31.840
<v Speaker 1>on the Scotsland Show every Monday morning it's Mental Health

0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:34.920
<v Speaker 1>Monday with Julie. It is really informative. I think a

0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:36.720
<v Speaker 1>lot of people listen and go, wow, Okay, I probably

0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:38.440
<v Speaker 1>should have this conversation, or maybe if you're an not

0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:40.439
<v Speaker 1>all kid, It's like, it's never too late to do this.

0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.679
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, meck you can always you can't fix or

0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:45.359
<v Speaker 1>you can't I guess change what happened, but you can

0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:48.000
<v Speaker 1>fix the way things are moving in the future. And

0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:49.959
<v Speaker 1>some closure as well. All the best, have a great week,

0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:53.159
<v Speaker 1>Appreciate you, Thank you, Bob. How about some news We

0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:56.520
<v Speaker 1>do that in three minutes here on seven hundred WWD, Cincinnati,