1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:05,880 Speaker 1: Welcome to get connected with Nina del Rio, a weekly 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,960 Speaker 1: conversation about fitness, health and happenings in our community on 3 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: one oh six point seven Light FM. 4 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to get connected with a conversation where 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,560 Speaker 2: daughters are at the center. Daughters, we grow up believing 6 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,000 Speaker 2: our role in the family is simple. You love your parents, 7 00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:24,600 Speaker 2: you help out when you can, you carry on family traditions. 8 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 2: But adulthood is often much more complicated, where women take 9 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,960 Speaker 2: on the invisible labor of emotional support, crisis management, and 10 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,840 Speaker 2: expectations that often leave us feeling stretched and unseen. Doctor 11 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 2: Allison m Alford is author of Good Daughtering, The Work 12 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 2: You've Always Done, The Credit You've Never gotten, and How 13 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,879 Speaker 2: to Finally feel like Enough. Doctor Allison m Alfred, thank 14 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 2: you for being on the show. 15 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,200 Speaker 3: Yes, I'm grateful to be here and to talk about 16 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 3: daughtering because I think it's such an important topic for 17 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 3: us to get out there in the world. 18 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,080 Speaker 2: Let's also define what it is. It is all a 19 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 2: lot of things, not exactly the same as just caregiving. 20 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 3: Oh for sure different. So I define daughtering as the 21 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 3: often invisible, emotional, logistical, mental and identity labor or work 22 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 3: that daughters do to keep families connected, and many times 23 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 3: daughters are doing so much of it without realizing it 24 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 3: until they're burnt out. 25 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 2: I want to point out too, that this conversation is 26 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 2: not just for younger women or middle aged women. We 27 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 2: have more connection, especially to our mothers, even when that 28 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,680 Speaker 2: parent has died. Yeah. 29 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 3: Absolutely, that's such a key thing to remind people. You're 30 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,759 Speaker 3: a daughter the day you're born, and you're a daughter 31 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 3: the day you die. Even when your parent is gone, 32 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 3: you have this responsibility or you feel like you're daughtering 33 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 3: through carrying on their legacy, or telling stories about them 34 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 3: to other generations, or continuing some sort of important work 35 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 3: that they were doing. So the daughtery work continues all 36 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 3: throughout your. 37 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 2: Life, and so much of this is emotional support. We're 38 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,359 Speaker 2: supporting our parents, largely our mothers, often our mothers as 39 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 2: sounding boards. One of the things that struck me in 40 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,800 Speaker 2: the beginning of the book was that you're giving so 41 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 2: much to them, What are you getting from them? What 42 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 2: do mothers and fathers know about their daughters. 43 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, it's such an interesting question to put it 44 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 3: in that way. I think one of the main things 45 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 3: that women get from being in a family is having 46 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 3: somebody there to catch you if a difficult time came up, 47 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:44,399 Speaker 3: And so we're not always activating that benefit, right, We're 48 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 3: not always even noticing, Okay, I like being in a family. 49 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,040 Speaker 3: I'm glad to be here. These are people who love 50 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 3: me and they like me. And so sometimes daughters get 51 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 3: caught up instead in overfunctioning that our value in the 52 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 3: family is through doing, and we just keep having to 53 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 3: do and do and do more. So I think it 54 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 3: is such an important moment, is an important space to 55 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 3: stop and say, what do I like about my family? 56 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 3: What's the benefit? What's the bonus? And how can I 57 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,280 Speaker 3: continue to tap into that gratitude? And that will remind 58 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,080 Speaker 3: me how to stay balanced in my role as a daughter. 59 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,079 Speaker 2: And why do we feel compelled to do so much 60 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 2: even when we're burned out? Where does that instinct come from? 61 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 3: In general, women in most of the areas of our 62 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 3: life are overfunctioning or overgiving. We have a really hard 63 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 3: time doing meats expectations, you know. Instead, when we're in 64 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 3: our workplace, we're thinking, Okay, these are my daily tasks, 65 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,680 Speaker 3: but maybe I should also bring cupcakes, or maybe I 66 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 3: should ask my coworker about their sick son. You know 67 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 3: when we're parenting, if we're a mother, we're thinking about 68 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 3: how to be the best mother and am I giving enough? 69 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,760 Speaker 3: And should I give more? And I think you know, 70 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 3: we do that with our partners, our spouses, we do 71 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 3: it with our friends. Often, we do it with our neighbors. 72 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 3: And so where this comes from is in a cultural 73 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 3: expectation for women to show up and perform and to 74 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 3: be seen doing it. And that is where we often 75 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 3: feel like our value lies and that if we don't 76 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 3: do those things, maybe we are not of value or 77 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 3: society won't allow us to be of value. I think 78 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 3: this ties into sort of a maternal being, right. Women 79 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 3: are valued for a maternal identity, for mothering, and so 80 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 3: to act in a maternal way in all these spaces. 81 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 3: And so we're not always aware that we are of value, 82 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 3: that we're worthy, that we're loved, even if we're doing nothing, 83 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 3: And so we have to tap into that by doing 84 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 3: less and just sitting through the tension of that. 85 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 2: My guest is doctor Allison m Alfred. She's a leading 86 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:57,280 Speaker 2: researcher and communication expert whose work explores the unseen labors 87 00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 2: that keep loved ones connected. Daughtering one one is her 88 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 2: platform discussing all of things daughters do, sharing the highs 89 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:07,600 Speaker 2: and lows, the challenges and benefits of daughtering. The book 90 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,600 Speaker 2: we're talking about is New Good daughtering, the work you've 91 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 2: always done, the credit you've never gotten, and how to 92 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 2: finally feel like enough. You're listening to get connected on 93 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,280 Speaker 2: one O six point seven. Let FM, I'm Mina del rio. 94 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 2: Can you talk to me briefly about choosing to study 95 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,080 Speaker 2: daughters and the questions that came from your own story? 96 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,280 Speaker 3: Yeah. You know, when I was in graduate school, I 97 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 3: was studying family communication, so all aspects of families and 98 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:38,200 Speaker 3: interpersonal communication. And it was in those studies I was 99 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 3: reading and I was learning about kin keeping and kin work. 100 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 3: I was learning about conflict resolution, I was learning about 101 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 3: dialectical tensions and all of these wonderful things about families. 102 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,039 Speaker 3: But I saw a gap there that we were you know, 103 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,600 Speaker 3: I was reading papers about mothers and mothering. I was 104 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 3: reading papers about adolescents, and there were not enough academic 105 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:05,239 Speaker 3: papers and reports about women in midlife. And I wanted 106 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 3: to know, what is it about women in midlife that 107 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 3: I might have something to say, that I might observe 108 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 3: something in the world and be able to bring insight 109 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 3: to And I looked at my own family, which was 110 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,279 Speaker 3: full of these amazing, smart women who were constantly showing 111 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 3: up for each other, and if we weren't, then that 112 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 3: the family would fall apart. And I started to notice 113 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 3: that in myself, in my life, and that made me 114 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,840 Speaker 3: want to ask other women, what are you doing? How 115 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 3: does your family function? Maybe my family's the odd ball, 116 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 3: I don't know, but I found no. Instead, all the 117 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,720 Speaker 3: women are doing this. We're all doing daughtering, and in 118 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 3: more ways than I could have ever imagined. Because so 119 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 3: many of the ways that we're doing daughtering are invisible. 120 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 3: We don't talk about the mental load, the CEO, the logistics, 121 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 3: the planning, the worrying. We don't talk about the resources 122 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:01,919 Speaker 3: it takes for emotional work. But once we do, we 123 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 3: can start to see the beauty and the challenges in 124 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 3: doing daughtering. 125 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: One of the things, since you point out, in middle life, 126 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 2: I find that as I'm in my fifties and my 127 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 2: friends who are my peers, we talk about the issues 128 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 2: with our mothers. Those have kind of come back into 129 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 2: the conversation after being gone for twenty years or so, 130 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 2: about all these things that we never discuss with our 131 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 2: mothers ourselves. We never tackle those issues with them because 132 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 2: it seems like the burden would be too great to 133 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 2: reset that relationship. Can you talk about that? 134 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a sense that if we bring up something 135 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 3: that might be bothering us, or that we've noticed that 136 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 3: that is complaining, and that that brings up conflict. And 137 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 3: what I've found from the women who are reading the 138 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 3: book and talking about these things and beginning to talk 139 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,000 Speaker 3: about it more with their siblings and their parent or 140 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 3: setting boundaries and reshaping their daughtering, is it actually brings relief. Now, 141 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 3: there are difficult moments. You have to go through that 142 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,520 Speaker 3: difficult part to get to the good parts. But it's 143 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,920 Speaker 3: up to us to decide what is a good life, 144 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 3: what is a meaningful life? In the book, I talk 145 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 3: about two types of happiness, you tomonic happiness and pidonic happiness. 146 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 3: Heidenic happiness is the things that are like a party, 147 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 3: a great latte, We're having a good lunchtime with our 148 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 3: mom that doesn't have a conflict in it, And so 149 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 3: we pursue these sort of feelings of in the moment happiness. 150 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 3: But we have to also be aware of you to 151 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,960 Speaker 3: monic happiness, which is what makes my life positive overall, 152 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 3: what makes me feel good about having lived a good life. 153 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 3: And I think as we get older, we start recognizing 154 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 3: living a good life also means saving time for myself, 155 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 3: saving energy for other experiences than other people, which means 156 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 3: I can't give it to my parent, which means I 157 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 3: have to forego a bit of hidonic happiness to talk 158 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 3: this out or set a boundary. But I'm going to 159 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 3: add to my life in this other beautiful, long lasting 160 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 3: way that I've got to acknowledge and find value in. 161 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:13,600 Speaker 2: Well, speaking to that, you talk about defining success, A 162 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,200 Speaker 2: B plus daughter would be plenty good in your estimation? 163 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 2: Where does it you know a B plus daughter? What 164 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 2: does that suggest? 165 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 3: Yeah? Well, one of the things I noticed is that 166 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 3: we think about as daughters. Am I a good enough? Daughter? 167 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 3: Am I daughtering enough? And we could ask, like, you know, 168 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 3: how do we know when it's enough? How do we 169 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 3: know if we're good or good enough? And my suggestion 170 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 3: is that we all need to make a rubric for ourselves, 171 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 3: and each of our families is going to be different. 172 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,839 Speaker 3: You know, in your family maybe you need to visit 173 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 3: once a week, or in somebody else's family, they just 174 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 3: need to visit once a year, you know, coming from 175 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,800 Speaker 3: Alaska or something. So each of our rubrics will be different. 176 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,960 Speaker 3: But I'm a professor, so I'm always giving rubrics to 177 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,199 Speaker 3: students so that they know how they can make an 178 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 3: A plus plus. And so my suggestion is make that rubric. 179 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,280 Speaker 3: What is a good daughter to you? In your life, 180 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,920 Speaker 3: in your family? What does your parents say is is 181 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 3: something they desire? And then I am for a B plus. 182 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 3: So look at your rubric and say, if I could 183 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 3: just B plus this thing, that would be pretty good. 184 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 3: That would be good enough daughtering, and good enough daughtering 185 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 3: can make for very happy relationship and a very happy 186 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 3: life because I'm not constantly in that hustle striving mindset 187 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:36,080 Speaker 3: and I'm reserving some resources for other parts of my life. 188 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 2: Some women describe their mother daughter relationship as best friends. 189 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 2: I feel like that's more of a modern relationship. But 190 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,559 Speaker 2: how does that relationship compare to a friendship with a peer. 191 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, there are a couple of phrases that just are 192 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 3: like nails on a chalkboard to me. And one of 193 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 3: them is when we say I'm mothering my mother, you know, 194 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 3: or I'm the parent now, and the other one best friends, 195 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,920 Speaker 3: and so I think when I get curious about this, 196 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 3: what is it that women mean. Well, they're describing intimacy, 197 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 3: they're describing trust, closeness, listening. These are all communication skills, 198 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:18,319 Speaker 3: These are all features of a good relationship. But if 199 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 3: we look at what actual best friend relationships are like, 200 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 3: there is typically a smaller age gap, there's more peer 201 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 3: like interactions where you like the same things, you're interested 202 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 3: in the same things, you're in the same phase of life. 203 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 3: And there's also a choice to walk away from these people, 204 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,800 Speaker 3: whereas you can never walk away or not be someone's 205 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 3: daughter or have them as your mother, and so there's 206 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:49,319 Speaker 3: a totally different set of expectations. Here's the problem. When 207 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 3: we call our mother or our mother calls us best friends, 208 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 3: we obscure the important work of daughtering. We erase part 209 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:04,679 Speaker 3: of a woman's humanity and part of her beautiful life experiences. 210 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 3: That's why it's so key that we use the right 211 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,199 Speaker 3: words and we talk about it with nuance, because then 212 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 3: we allow women to be these multifaceted creatures, and our 213 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,559 Speaker 3: daughter ing is one of the great things that we offer. 214 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,840 Speaker 2: One of the things you often you also talk about 215 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 2: in the book in that example is I think it's 216 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 2: Brookshields and her mother, how her mother, her daughter, her daughter. 217 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 2: We would get along better when someone wasn't disciplining them, 218 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 2: And being disciplined by your friend is something that doesn't 219 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 2: really happen. 220 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, this young daughter of brook Shields is giving an 221 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,480 Speaker 3: interview and she says, we're only best friends now, except 222 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 3: sometimes she still disciplines me. And so this daughter, she's 223 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 3: an adult in you know, she's a young adult, but 224 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 3: an adult, and her mom is Brookshields. And what she's describing, 225 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 3: I think is such a such a profound example of 226 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 3: what she's saying is I trust my mom, I love 227 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:59,240 Speaker 3: my mom, I enjoy my mom. We we hang out together, 228 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 3: you know, maybe we go together, who knows. But instead 229 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 3: of using specificity to say what she enjoys about her 230 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,079 Speaker 3: time with her mom, she uses this misnomer of best friends. 231 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,080 Speaker 3: But the fact is, your best friend doesn't discipline you, 232 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 3: can't put you in the corner, can't take away your 233 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,320 Speaker 3: finances for the week, or even mess with your identity. 234 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,920 Speaker 3: You know, some moms will stonewall their children or stop 235 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 3: speaking to them, and that changes you in a way 236 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 3: that if a friend did that, you might be angry 237 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,199 Speaker 3: instead of feeling abandoned. And so I think that's where 238 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,760 Speaker 3: it becomes so critical that we talk about our daughtery. 239 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 3: We tell people about our daughtering that we appreciate in 240 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 3: ourselves that daughters are both nurturing and pushy. We can 241 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,199 Speaker 3: be the porcupine daughter, we can be prickly, we can 242 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 3: bring up the hard conversations. And we're not only as women. 243 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 3: We're not only mother figures are best friend figures. We're 244 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 3: daughter figures, and that's a key part of society. 245 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 2: My guest is doctor Allison m all Dadding. One oh 246 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 2: one is her platform discussing all of things daughters do, 247 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 2: sharing the highs and lows, the challenges and benefits of dottering. 248 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 2: The book we're talking about is New Good Daughtering, the 249 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,440 Speaker 2: work you've always done, the credit you've never gotten, and 250 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 2: how to finally feel like enough. You're listening to get 251 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 2: connected on one oh six point seven light FM, i'mna 252 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 2: del Rio and practical strategies to kind of take control 253 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 2: and try and balance out our lives. I want to 254 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 2: talk about a couple of them in the workplace, normalizing 255 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,520 Speaker 2: the everyday doddering activities. 256 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, in the workplace, we know that if you're a worker, 257 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 3: there's sort of valid reasons to take the day off 258 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,560 Speaker 3: or the things you know you can't be working or 259 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 3: you're distracted from working. And then there's things that your 260 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 3: coworker will be like, that's dumb. You know, that doesn't count. 261 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:52,160 Speaker 3: So we see some of those, you know, unfairnesses when 262 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,320 Speaker 3: there's somebody who has a child and somebody who doesn't, 263 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 3: and they're like, well, that guy gets to take off 264 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,480 Speaker 3: work because his kid had a fever, But I can't 265 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 3: just take off the day and go to a music festival. 266 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 3: You know, everybody would be mad at me about that. 267 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 3: And so, you know, not all PTO paid time off 268 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 3: is considered equal. And so when we go to work 269 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 3: and we say I'm taking tomorrow off because my mom 270 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,080 Speaker 3: and dad are coming to town and I need to 271 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 3: shepherd them around or show them around, or I need 272 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 3: to go with them to the lawyer. We're working on 273 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 3: getting their wills done or updated, or we're buying a 274 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 3: new safe or a lock box for their things. In 275 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:31,560 Speaker 3: the workplace, our peers can do us a favor and 276 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 3: participate in daughtering by seeing that as valid that using 277 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 3: our PTO or being distracted in that day because our 278 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 3: dad just you know, had a knee surgery and I'm 279 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 3: checking on him that that's a valid form of the 280 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 3: use of my workplace time off instead of judging it 281 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 3: as unreasonable. And so workplaces could protect women and they're 282 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 3: daughtering by even writing these things into the policy as 283 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 3: valid reasons why women are sometimes not going to be 284 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,600 Speaker 3: at work. They're going to be doing daughtering with the 285 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 3: generation above them, and not only parenting. 286 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 2: In our own families. Another strategy is shared calendars, which 287 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 2: sounds really basic, but it's a way to bring everybody 288 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 2: into the fold. 289 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, shared calendars, I think leans into this idea of technology. 290 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,840 Speaker 3: We can leverage technology to do dottering, just like I 291 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 3: also tell people, hey, if you're rich, leverage money to 292 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 3: do daughtering, you know what I mean, Like that is 293 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 3: a totally fine resource usage because resources are time, energy, 294 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 3: and money. And so one of the things that my 295 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 3: sister did was that she bought a special kind of 296 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 3: online calendar that lots of people can access and they 297 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,080 Speaker 3: have their own account, but then they can share and 298 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 3: see different things on the calendar. And so she spent 299 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 3: her money and her resources on it. But she manages 300 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 3: that calendar as a gift that allows the grandparents or 301 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 3: her parents to see what are we doing, what are 302 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,760 Speaker 3: the grandkids doing? And if it's on the show shared calendar, 303 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:05,359 Speaker 3: you're invited. And so that is also a way of 304 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 3: getting out in front of any issues. But she's reducing 305 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,640 Speaker 3: any difficulty in her life too that she doesn't need 306 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,199 Speaker 3: to call up a grandparent for every single item and 307 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 3: say you're invited to the school play. If it's on 308 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,120 Speaker 3: the calendar, you're invited to the tennis this or that. 309 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 3: So she's streamlining her daughtering. She's not offloading it. It's 310 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,480 Speaker 3: not gone. It is a form of work to maintain 311 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,240 Speaker 3: that calendar and allow them access to her life in 312 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,520 Speaker 3: her children's lives. 313 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,360 Speaker 2: For our last question, what do we owe our parents 314 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:36,040 Speaker 2: as daughters? 315 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's such a big conversation. And one of the 316 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 3: things I noticed very often is that when women describe 317 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 3: their daughtering, they start from this position of owing. And 318 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 3: it's a really interesting economic way of investigating family and anything. 319 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 3: Is very American, you know, to be like, well, they 320 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 3: paid into me, so now I must pay into them, 321 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 3: and then we will the debt will be paid. And 322 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,959 Speaker 3: so it's so important that we look at that and 323 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 3: examine like why am I taking a cost benefit ROI 324 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:13,880 Speaker 3: sort of take on my family? And that's also why 325 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 3: women keep overfunctioning is we think we have to pay 326 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 3: into this system, and so when we are asking what 327 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 3: do I owe? This is just a meta analysis, a 328 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,400 Speaker 3: big look, a big take look at our families where 329 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 3: we say what actually needs to get done is as 330 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,359 Speaker 3: a woman, as a daughter, I'm really good at seeing 331 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,760 Speaker 3: everything that could be done. But just because I see 332 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 3: it doesn't mean that I have to be the one 333 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 3: to do it or that anyone needs to do it, 334 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 3: because my parents may be able to do it themselves. 335 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 3: So asking that question what do I owe? It's a 336 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 3: personal question, but it's also a question everyone in every 337 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,920 Speaker 3: family should be doing. So that we're calibrating not everything 338 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 3: needs to get done by the daughter, and not everything 339 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 3: needs to get done at this time. And I don't 340 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 3: have to do these things because I owe someone. I 341 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 3: can do these things because I love them and they 342 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 3: will love me even if I don't do these things. 343 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 2: My guest is doctor Allison m Alford. Her book is 344 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,160 Speaker 2: Good Daughtering the work you've always done, the credit you've 345 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,199 Speaker 2: never gotten, and how to finally feel like enough. Doctor Alford. 346 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,440 Speaker 2: Thank you for being on Get Connected. 347 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me. 348 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: This has been Get Connected with Nina del Rio on 349 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,919 Speaker 1: one oh six point seven light Fm. The views and 350 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 1: opinions of our guests do not necessarily reflect the views 351 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 1: of the station. If you missed any part of our 352 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,119 Speaker 1: show or want to share it, visit our website for 353 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: downloads and podcasts at one oh six to seven lightfm 354 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: dot com. Thanks for listening.