WEBVTT - Donna D 12/27/25 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:06.479 Long, there's a sense of outsourcing your security and outsourcing 0:00:07.600 --> 0:00:12.360 your safety. And I have a twin sister, and I 0:00:12.400 --> 0:00:16.640 found myself even doing that with her and my ex husband. 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:18.200 And when you see that. 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:24.920 This outsourcing of safety that you're given, you really don't 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:28.400 you miss a part of yourself that is that strong, 0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:36.559 stable grounded person when you outsource your safety. Can you 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:38.000 talk about that a little bit. 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:42.080 Yeah, outsourcing your safety. So secure base is the word 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:44.760 that I use. The phrase I use so your secure 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:48.760 base needs to be yourself. You should be your secure base. 0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:54.160 And what happens is that we when we fall in love, 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:58.960 when we develop an attachment with someone else, we transfer 0:00:59.120 --> 0:01:02.480 that secure base to them to where they become our 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:08.160 secure base. In a healthy relationship, that can be okay. However, 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:11.600 when a relationship starts becoming infused with the four horsemen 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:15.040 of the apocalypse, like we've talked about, criticism. 0:01:14.920 --> 0:01:19.400 Defensiveness, contempt yep, and stonewalling, stone walling yep. 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:23.200 Okay, over the years, you can start that that can 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:26.200 become an insecure base for you. And then you're you 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:29.200 have a problem because not only are you not your 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.640 secure base, your secure base that you established with your partner. 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:35.560 That's no longer your secure base either. So you find 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:40.760 yourself lost, You find yourself seeking an identity, seeking to 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:43.399 be numbed. That's where a lot of addictions can come from. 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:46.240 A lot of people can numb themselves out with a 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:47.640 number of things. 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:50.200 But don't use like So, when I started seeing that 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:54.400 I was doing that, Yeah, there's a level of freedom, 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:58.600 There's a level of gratitude. There's a level of for 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:01.080 me taking respons fonsibility because. 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:02.720 I didn't know I was doing this. 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:07.040 And when I started understanding that, hey this, I don't 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:11.000 feel good. I mean, I don't feel good, and I 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:15.040 need to really look at my role in this. Forget 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:18.280 about who I'm speaking about, right, forget about the X, 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:21.399 and forget about all that. I need to figure out 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:24.959 why I am feeling this way, because nobody can make 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:27.360 me feel a certain way if I don't want to. 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:30.640 That's true, And so the power comes back to me 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:35.320 because I can do anything I want with that I 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:38.600 can I can learn what I need to do on 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:41.840 how to fix it. I can figure out how I 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:44.839 can be better, how I can get stronger and do 0:02:44.880 --> 0:02:47.480 the work. And then I feel like, all right, I'm good. 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:51.440 I got it and twenty twenty five with relationships. And 0:02:51.480 --> 0:02:59.320 it's not just partnerships or you know, relationships that are intimate. 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:03.800 It is friendships. It is jobs that were shedding in 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.800 twenty twenty five that are no longer serving us. It 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:11.680 is a plethora of getting through the twenty twenty five 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.120 year that we're never going to have to go through again. 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:17.520 Of the year, the snake and shedding this stuff. So 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:23.000 what did you have to shed? And I think you're 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:26.200 gonna tell me the marriage. The shedding of the marriage 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:28.920 and letting go of that in twenty twenty. 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:33.160 Five absolutely the toughest thing I've been through. I've heard 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:38.040 people say that it's it's worse than grieving a death, 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:41.320 because when you grieve a death, there is an element 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:46.600 of closure, whereas in a marriage. When you're grieving a marriage, 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:48.800 the partner, especially if you have kids, which I do 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:53.760 share a daughter with my ex wife, their closure is 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:56.160 difficult to come by. It's very difficult to come by 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:59.000 because you still have to interact with them. So, yeah, 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.480 it was I fought it for a long time. I 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:05.640 met my ex wife before I became a therapist, which 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.680 is interesting, So I became a marriage and family therapist 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:12.520 after I entered my marriage, so I started learning a 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:15.920 lot of things that weren't going so well based on 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:17.479 what I was learning in school. 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:19.240 I tried to correct it. 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:25.400 That's interesting because as you move towards being a therapist 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:29.480 and helping other couples, you're seeing this, Hey, this isn't 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:31.040 going so great on my end. 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:35.280 Sure, yeah, yeah, and so but you know, it was 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:38.479 a situation where I, you know, you can't really be 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:40.680 you can't be your own therapist. I couldn't be my 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:43.719 own therapist. I couldn't be my ex wife's therapist. So 0:04:43.839 --> 0:04:45.880 we had to go to you know, we had to 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.640 I wanted to, yeah, to go to therapy, and. 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:53.279 She didn't really like it. My ex wife didn't really 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:53.520 like that. 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:57.200 So it's it takes too It takes to to fix 0:04:57.279 --> 0:04:58.360 it takes to to break. 0:04:58.400 --> 0:04:59.640 It takes you to fix it. 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.760 Yeah, but I mean, I'm you know, but I have 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:07.039 you know, as I've told you before, she gets flowers 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:10.000 on Mother's Day. I got her a nice Christmas gift. 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:11.680 I mean, she's the mother of my child and I 0:05:11.760 --> 0:05:13.800 respect her and I will always love her and care 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:16.680 for her. And it's was really difficult to let her 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:17.520 go it really was. 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:18.360 Yeah, of course. 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:21.520 I mean it's not easy to let anybody go, and 0:05:22.279 --> 0:05:27.000 even if it's no longer working, right, you still want 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:27.520 to hang on. 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:28.400 What is that? 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:33.400 What is it about us that you know because you 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:36.440 get signs got You just said you were seeing signs 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:38.599 all over the place. You wanted to go to therapy 0:05:38.640 --> 0:05:41.400 with her. It wasn't working. You were not getting along. 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:45.279 You were arguing a lot. Instead, when you're arguing more 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:49.880 than you are getting along, that's a problem. So what 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:54.400 is it about all of us that makes us cling 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.920 to something that is not working for us anymore? 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:02.640 I believe it's the familiarity we've become familiar with the 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:04.520 people that are around us, the people that we're in 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:08.600 relationships with, the scripts, the relationship scripts. Think about it. 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:11.400 I mean, we have our routines. Every day we wake up, 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:13.680 we do it the same thing, and we usually interact 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:17.280 with the same people. It's good, Donna. I respect you. 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:20.880 You are awesome about finding new people in interact with Hi. 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:22.159 Hi. 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:25.960 On the other hand, I am a social recluse, so yes, 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:26.520 so for me. 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:28.280 But you're a book worm. 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:31.880 In your books, you're reading, you're trying to better yourself 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:32.440 all the time. 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:34.800 So for me, it was like I would stay in 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:37.840 an unhealthy relationship even though I knew I needed to 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:39.320 take the courage to get out of it. 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:42.760 You think most men are because more women leave, This 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:45.160 is a fact. We both talked about this, and more 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:50.600 women leave or solicit the divorce than men do. Men 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:55.440 can stay unhappy for years and years, where women are like, 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:58.159 you're not paying attention to me, why are you even 0:06:58.240 --> 0:06:58.599 with me? 0:06:58.800 --> 0:06:59.600 Why do you care? 0:06:59.800 --> 0:06:59.840 What? 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:04.560 But why are we together if you don't even want 0:07:04.600 --> 0:07:08.120 to work on this or don't want to you know, 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:11.040 come in and hug me and kiss me and give 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:15.240 me attention and adore me, which is what women really 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:17.000 want out of a relationship. 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:21.520 Yeah, you know, I think from men are fixers. We 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:23.280 want to fix it, So we come about it from 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:26.840 a cognitive like it's a project we got to fix. 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:31.080 And women usually are wanting more of that emotional connection, right, 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:34.000 that emotional and so I think we just miss each other. 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:37.920 I remember my ex wife talking about how she wanted affection, 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:41.240 whereas for me, I was like, well, we need to 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:43.840 fix some things before we can get to that point 0:07:43.880 --> 0:07:46.480 of affection. Yeah, so we just missed each other. We're 0:07:46.520 --> 0:07:49.880 coming at it from different angles and talk therapy. Couple's 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:53.120 therapy can help because the therapist can help you to 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:58.080 translate the language you're each speaking. But in our case, 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:00.440 it just that that toxic pattern went on too long. 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:01.760 It just went on too long. 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:06.160 Let's let's open the phones up. What was twenty twenty 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:08.520 five like for you? Was it a tough year? 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:09.640 Is there? 0:08:11.040 --> 0:08:14.800 Is there something that you have shed in twenty twenty five, 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:17.400 because let me just tell you, it's not just about 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.600 oh man, this was a tough year. Twenty twenty six 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:24.280 is gonna be an amazing year. Twenty twenty six is 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:26.920 the year of the horse. These are the relationships that 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.640 are going to be working. These are the friendships that 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:32.199 that are are if they're going good, they're going to 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:36.160 go great in twenty six twenty six. That your jobs 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:42.000 are going to be more productive and more interesting and 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:45.320 you'll be more valued in your jobs. That's what the 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:47.960 Year of the horses, the year of the snake is. 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:51.920 The tough is the is the tough year of twenty 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.679 twenty five? I know I see the phone calls running, 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:56.120 but what what is it? 0:08:57.679 --> 0:08:57.959 I mean? 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:02.800 Because we talked about women, are the ones that solicit 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:09.600 leaving a relationship because they're not happy men. And I've 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:13.240 seen this with some friends that they knew. Some guy 0:09:13.280 --> 0:09:16.880 friends of mine knew that they should never have even 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:20.679 started a relationship with this person, never even started it, 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:24.640 and two years later they've wasted two years of their 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:29.640 life and they're super upset. Why is it that men 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:34.480 will take so much? I don't know what you would 0:09:34.559 --> 0:09:38.680 call it? Not abuse, because it's not abuse. Hang on, 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:43.040 let's look at WK and Dayton wants to give the 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:46.880 perspective of someone who's had a sexual successful relationship, and 0:09:46.920 --> 0:09:48.360 I would love to hear that. 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:49.560 WK. 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:54.080 Are you on the line, Okay, awesome, Yes, I'm just 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:55.360 asking doctor Wes. 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:56.640 Why is it. 0:09:56.679 --> 0:10:01.800 That that men don't leave a relationship. It takes the 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:05.439 woman oftentimes to get out of a relationship that they 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:06.280 know is not working. 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:08.040 And maybe your perspective is very. 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:13.200 Different, right, Well, we started out we were very different. 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:20.600 My parents weren't for it, and we one was had 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:24.480 one family had considerably more money than the other. Not rich, 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:29.480 but wealthy are comfortable. But we since we were so different, 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:34.720 we took three years and to make sure we really 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:39.400 knew each other. And even while we were dating. We 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:43.400 used to start our dates by going to church, and 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:46.920 we did that quite often. That was a big part. 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:51.560 I'm no holy roller or anything, but I tried to 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:54.719 do the right thing ninety five ninety eight percent of 0:10:54.800 --> 0:11:00.560 the time, and so did she, and we ever even 0:11:00.720 --> 0:11:05.560 considered leaving each other, and we're very happy. She just 0:11:05.679 --> 0:11:10.319 recently died about nine months ago. Toughest thing I've ever 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:15.280 gone through my life. But we flexed a lot, even 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:21.200 though we were differences both in family wealth on each side, 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:25.920 and we tried never to go to go to sleep 0:11:26.000 --> 0:11:29.920 mad yep. And I'm very proud. I feel like we 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:34.440 both did about ninety five percent total effort, ninety five 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:37.120 percent of the time, and I'm very proud of it. 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:40.840 I felt like I did everything I could write as 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:43.840 far as I was able, and I know she did too, 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:46.840 and I'm very pleased with result. 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:50.160 But how long were you together? WKA, how long were 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:50.600 you together? 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:56.000 Fifty five years? Wo We dated for three years before 0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:59.720 we got married. Then she just died in our fifty 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:03.400 fifth year of marriage. And it's been the toughest thing 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:07.400 I've gone through since she died. But I'm doing it, 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:12.400 staying active and communicative and reading positive books to do it. 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:13.840 That's what you had to do. 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:17.520 Well. That's a couple of things I also did was 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:23.040 motivational speakers. We went to see them a lot on attitude. 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.600 And though she didn't have much education, she took two 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:32.440 courses at the university. One was a business degree excuse me, 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:35.440 a business course and the other was an English course. 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:39.920 So though she wasn't totally educated, she worked out very 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:42.840 well at a large CPA for them up here. And 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:48.000 I taught school for about thirty years. But I think 0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:51.640 I think dating for a longer period of time, so 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:56.240 making sure that you got the right person and time 0:12:56.960 --> 0:13:00.320 time got in with it in some way without happen 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:02.880 to be a holy holy yeah. 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:05.160 So first of all, I'm so sorry that you were 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:07.480 going through this part of life and we all have 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:09.600 to go through it. That does not make it easy 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.360 at all. I'm so sorry to hear. But it sounds 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:16.800 like you've had her for an amazing amount of time 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:20.000 and that you guys were happy together, and that's that 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:21.040 that is meaningful. 0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:26.520 We even had people ask uf you when ask her 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:29.800 sometimes at the office, how long you in fifty five years? 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.640 Just how would you stay with somebody for fifty five years, 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:38.240 why would you stay? Yeah, and just almost laughable statements 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:39.120 from other people. 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:42.280 Yeah, they don't know, they don't know what they don't 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:44.800 know what you had. That's that's what we're talking That 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:48.600 is exactly what we're why we're talking about this subject. 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:50.400 And I also loved and we're going to talk about 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:52.520 this in a minute. We're going to take a break. 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:52.880 W K. 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.120 Thank you so much for calling in with that, with 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:57.120 that great comment. 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:57.880 I loved it. 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:00.600 And happy new year to you and hope all as 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:02.000 well coming up in your future. 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:03.080 Thank you. 0:14:03.960 --> 0:14:06.600 So what I loved is that he went out and 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:12.720 he sought out positive motivational speakers, because what you say 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:15.600 to yourself is so important. And we're going to talk 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:20.360 about that because twenty twenty six, as I feel and 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:23.240 I know and as we talk about, is going to 0:14:23.280 --> 0:14:25.120 be an amazing year for all of us. I think 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:28.520 we're going to find relationships that we've never had before, 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:32.560 including with the loves of our life, which is ourselves, 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.680 the relationship that we have with ourselves. 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:37.800 So when we get back, we are going to talk 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:38.200 about that. 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:42.280 What did you think about his comment about starting the 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:43.520 dating at church. 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:44.880 I thought that was interesting. 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:51.280 Yeah, and that's actually a very strong way to meet 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:56.360 church groups. Spirituality and faith is an important part a 0:14:56.680 --> 0:15:00.720 good way that people can get direction. And I definitely 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:03.040 thought that was really great, really commendable. 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:03.960 Yeah, it was interesting. 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:07.440 And and how that they never want, you know, everyone says, 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:08.640 don't ever go to bed mad. 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:10.520 Right, that's kind of a big deal. 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:15.000 I mean, if you have this love and this care 0:15:15.800 --> 0:15:18.440 for each other, you don't want your partner to go 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:22.040 to bed mad. You don't want them to be upset. No, right, 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:25.600 And so so you know, having this I don't care, 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:29.280 we kind of attitude of go ahead, go be mad, 0:15:29.360 --> 0:15:31.840 go do go, do your own thing kind of is 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:36.120 like turning your back. It's a sign of a stone walling, almost, 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:36.800 isn't it It is? 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:40.360 Yeah, it's turning away instead of turning towards each other, right, 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:43.240 which doctor Godman talks about. I love doctor Godman. You'll 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:45.800 hear me talk about him a lot, but turning away 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:49.280 from each other rather than turning towards And he talks 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:52.880 a lot about the five to one ratio, five positive 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.840 interactions to one negative interaction, and that's what you have 0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.360 to have to maintain a healthy relationship. 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:01.320 All right, Well, when we come back, we're going to 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:04.800 talk more about twenty twenty six and what you can 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:05.720 do to make it. 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:07.800 The best possible year. 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:12.640 And have you shed anything in twenty twenty five, five, one, three, seven, four, nine, 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:16.040 seven thousand. Brady Hopkins is up next with the news, 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:17.560 so we'll be taking your calls. 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:22.800 Confidence. You have courage, You're willing to face the pain. 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:25.240 You're willing to lean into the pain. That's what a 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:27.800 lot of psychologists will talk about when people say how 0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:29.680 do I get through this? You lean into the pain. 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:31.360 Your brain says, run away from it. 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:31.680 Yes. 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:36.680 Creativity, so you're flexible, you're adaptive, and you're connected. You 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:39.280 have a sense of connection to others' life and meaning. 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:43.760 So that comes out of it comes out of It's 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:47.120 called internal family systems. If you're wanting to research it more. 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:50.960 Self Leadership dot org is the website. But that's what 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:52.960 I work with my clients on, helping them to get 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.560 in touch with who they are so that they can 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:56.760 start to be self led. 0:16:57.040 --> 0:17:00.480 Well, it's I love that courage is in there, because 0:17:00.640 --> 0:17:04.879 without that, everything else falls apart. Because those moments when 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:08.639 you're scared and you feel alone and you don't have 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:12.080 don't think anybody likes you and you don't. 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:13.399 Nobody cares about you. 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:18.159 It's those are the shadows, the scary part where you're like, 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:21.199 oh god, I can't even think of this. I'm not 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:24.200 saying that you should just continue those thoughts. I don't 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:27.800 think you should continue the thoughts, but the feelings that 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:30.560 you get, that's where you need to go. And you 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.280 have to say I'm here, I got you, I'm your 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.119 I got your back. Yep, I'm not leaving you. I 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:37.320 am I am going. 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:39.439 To take care of you, so don't worry about it. 0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:39.760 Yep. 0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:41.200 That's having your back. 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:42.760 Yeah, it's. 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:48.320 Sue Johnson is as a relationship therapist who recently passed away, 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.800 but she's she found it an emotional focused therapy model, 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:55.879 and she says, real love is the quiet confidence that 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:58.520 when I reach for you, you will be there. 0:17:59.160 --> 0:17:59.720 Wow. 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:01.800 And I reach for you, you will be there. So we 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:03.520 need to apply that to ourselves too. 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:07.440 Yes, because we are the greatest love of our lives. 0:18:08.160 --> 0:18:08.560 We are. 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:14.199 So when you when I feel like I'm hurt or 0:18:14.280 --> 0:18:17.680 I'm sad, instead of reaching for the phone to pick 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:20.879 up someone, and that's there's nothing wrong with that because 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:23.640 we all need our partners. But let's have me try 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:24.640 and do it first. 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:27.400 It's like on the airplane they tell you to put 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:31.520 your oxygen mask on first, Yes, before helping someone next 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:31.800 to you. 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:33.560 Yes, all right? 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:36.880 Five, one, three, seven, eight hundred, the big one. What 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:39.560 kind of a year was twenty twenty five for you? 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:42.080 Was it hard for you? I mean, Wes and I 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.440 have both shared that it's been a challenging year through 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:48.400 both breakups and heartbreak and things like that that we've 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:51.880 had to face and face within ourselves to get stronger 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:52.359 through that. 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:54.439 Stu, that's not easy, and it's. 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:54.879 Still going on. 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.000 It's a lifelove process. 0:18:58.080 --> 0:18:58.600 It's a day. 0:18:59.040 --> 0:18:59.960 Well, that's what we're talking. 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:01.280 Get it back to process. 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:02.240 Give us a call. 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:05.040 What did you shed in twenty twenty five or what 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:08.040 are you looking for in twenty twenty six? I went 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:10.119 out to lunch with a friend of mine and he said, 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.760 because we talked about this, and I said that the 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.840 actually the horse in twenty twenty six does not come 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:19.760 in until February, So February in twenty twenty six is 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:21.200 really where it starts getting good. 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:23.200 And I said, what did you shed? 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:27.440 And he said his job, And he said he didn't 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:31.000 feel appreciated. It was kind of chaotic there. You couldn't 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:34.960 figure out who was running things, and it drove him 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:41.960 absolutely nuts. And he's already taken the steps to speak 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:44.280 to a friend. He's in it, speak to a friend, 0:19:44.320 --> 0:19:46.399 and they're both going to try and start their own 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:50.520 company in twenty twenty six. That's what's kind of happening. 0:19:52.359 --> 0:19:55.120 After we get through one of the hardest years, it's 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:57.600 gonna be. And isn't that always the case, Like it's 0:19:57.800 --> 0:20:03.000 darkest before it's dawn, Right, it's always harder or scarier, 0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:06.600 and everything you've ever wanted is on the other side 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:10.280 of fear. So if you can make it, even if 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:13.280 you're scared, even if you're having a tough time, and 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:16.200 I'm telling you, I'm speaking from experience because I've been 0:20:16.240 --> 0:20:20.480 through it, and it's if you keep going, if you 0:20:20.640 --> 0:20:23.720 keep doing the work, if you keep showing up for yourself, 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:26.800 if you keep having your own back, it gets better. 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:30.840 It gets better. Let's go to Steve in Batavia. Let's 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:36.280 talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, you're on with donnadean doctor Wes. Yeah, 0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:37.879 can you hear me, Yeah, we can hear you. 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:46.639 Yeah, I've been sober living for the last like two years, okay, 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:54.040 and living in a house in Norwood. I don't want 0:20:54.080 --> 0:20:54.880 to mention the name. 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:58.000 Yeah, that's okay, that's all right. 0:21:00.880 --> 0:21:04.439 Sixty three and I was born a eighty and so 0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:08.200 I met this woman, you know, and it's been kind 0:21:08.240 --> 0:21:08.879 of cool, you know. 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:14.520 But it's like it seems like the. 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.720 Women these days they don't want it's like they're afraid 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:21.480 to get into any type of relationship if it has 0:21:21.560 --> 0:21:26.080 to do with you know, money or whatever it is, 0:21:27.960 --> 0:21:33.439 because I don't understand how they can. It's just I 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:36.440 don't know. It's very hard to date when you're sixty three. 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:41.119 Yeah, I mean listen, especially if you've been out of 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:43.399