Speaker 1: Long, there's a sense of outsourcing your security and outsourcing
Speaker 1: your safety. And I have a twin sister, and I
Speaker 1: found myself even doing that with her and my ex husband.
Speaker 2: And when you see that.
Speaker 1: This outsourcing of safety that you're given, you really don't
Speaker 1: you miss a part of yourself that is that strong,
Speaker 1: stable grounded person when you outsource your safety. Can you
Speaker 1: talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, outsourcing your safety. So secure base is the word
Speaker 3: that I use. The phrase I use so your secure
Speaker 3: base needs to be yourself. You should be your secure base.
Speaker 3: And what happens is that we when we fall in love,
Speaker 3: when we develop an attachment with someone else, we transfer
Speaker 3: that secure base to them to where they become our
Speaker 3: secure base. In a healthy relationship, that can be okay. However,
Speaker 3: when a relationship starts becoming infused with the four horsemen
Speaker 3: of the apocalypse, like we've talked about, criticism.
Speaker 1: Defensiveness, contempt yep, and stonewalling, stone walling yep.
Speaker 3: Okay, over the years, you can start that that can
Speaker 3: become an insecure base for you. And then you're you
Speaker 3: have a problem because not only are you not your
Speaker 3: secure base, your secure base that you established with your partner.
Speaker 3: That's no longer your secure base either. So you find
Speaker 3: yourself lost, You find yourself seeking an identity, seeking to
Speaker 3: be numbed. That's where a lot of addictions can come from.
Speaker 3: A lot of people can numb themselves out with a
Speaker 3: number of things.
Speaker 1: But don't use like So, when I started seeing that
Speaker 1: I was doing that, Yeah, there's a level of freedom,
Speaker 1: There's a level of gratitude. There's a level of for
Speaker 1: me taking respons fonsibility because.
Speaker 2: I didn't know I was doing this.
Speaker 1: And when I started understanding that, hey this, I don't
Speaker 1: feel good. I mean, I don't feel good, and I
Speaker 1: need to really look at my role in this. Forget
Speaker 1: about who I'm speaking about, right, forget about the X,
Speaker 1: and forget about all that. I need to figure out
Speaker 1: why I am feeling this way, because nobody can make
Speaker 1: me feel a certain way if I don't want to.
Speaker 1: That's true, And so the power comes back to me
Speaker 1: because I can do anything I want with that I
Speaker 1: can I can learn what I need to do on
Speaker 1: how to fix it. I can figure out how I
Speaker 1: can be better, how I can get stronger and do
Speaker 1: the work. And then I feel like, all right, I'm good.
Speaker 1: I got it and twenty twenty five with relationships. And
Speaker 1: it's not just partnerships or you know, relationships that are intimate.
Speaker 1: It is friendships. It is jobs that were shedding in
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five that are no longer serving us. It
Speaker 1: is a plethora of getting through the twenty twenty five
Speaker 1: year that we're never going to have to go through again.
Speaker 1: Of the year, the snake and shedding this stuff. So
Speaker 1: what did you have to shed? And I think you're
Speaker 1: gonna tell me the marriage. The shedding of the marriage
Speaker 1: and letting go of that in twenty twenty.
Speaker 3: Five absolutely the toughest thing I've been through. I've heard
Speaker 3: people say that it's it's worse than grieving a death,
Speaker 3: because when you grieve a death, there is an element
Speaker 3: of closure, whereas in a marriage. When you're grieving a marriage,
Speaker 3: the partner, especially if you have kids, which I do
Speaker 3: share a daughter with my ex wife, their closure is
Speaker 3: difficult to come by. It's very difficult to come by
Speaker 3: because you still have to interact with them. So, yeah,
Speaker 3: it was I fought it for a long time. I
Speaker 3: met my ex wife before I became a therapist, which
Speaker 3: is interesting, So I became a marriage and family therapist
Speaker 3: after I entered my marriage, so I started learning a
Speaker 3: lot of things that weren't going so well based on
Speaker 3: what I was learning in school.
Speaker 4: I tried to correct it.
Speaker 1: That's interesting because as you move towards being a therapist
Speaker 1: and helping other couples, you're seeing this, Hey, this isn't
Speaker 1: going so great on my end.
Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, yeah, and so but you know, it was
Speaker 3: a situation where I, you know, you can't really be
Speaker 3: you can't be your own therapist. I couldn't be my
Speaker 3: own therapist. I couldn't be my ex wife's therapist. So
Speaker 3: we had to go to you know, we had to
Speaker 3: I wanted to, yeah, to go to therapy, and.
Speaker 4: She didn't really like it. My ex wife didn't really
Speaker 4: like that.
Speaker 1: So it's it takes too It takes to to fix
Speaker 1: it takes to to break.
Speaker 2: It takes you to fix it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I mean, I'm you know, but I have
Speaker 3: you know, as I've told you before, she gets flowers
Speaker 3: on Mother's Day. I got her a nice Christmas gift.
Speaker 3: I mean, she's the mother of my child and I
Speaker 3: respect her and I will always love her and care
Speaker 3: for her. And it's was really difficult to let her
Speaker 3: go it really was.
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1: I mean it's not easy to let anybody go, and
Speaker 1: even if it's no longer working, right, you still want
Speaker 1: to hang on.
Speaker 2: What is that?
Speaker 1: What is it about us that you know because you
Speaker 1: get signs got You just said you were seeing signs
Speaker 1: all over the place. You wanted to go to therapy
Speaker 1: with her. It wasn't working. You were not getting along.
Speaker 1: You were arguing a lot. Instead, when you're arguing more
Speaker 1: than you are getting along, that's a problem. So what
Speaker 1: is it about all of us that makes us cling
Speaker 1: to something that is not working for us anymore?
Speaker 3: I believe it's the familiarity we've become familiar with the
Speaker 3: people that are around us, the people that we're in
Speaker 3: relationships with, the scripts, the relationship scripts. Think about it.
Speaker 3: I mean, we have our routines. Every day we wake up,
Speaker 3: we do it the same thing, and we usually interact
Speaker 3: with the same people. It's good, Donna. I respect you.
Speaker 3: You are awesome about finding new people in interact with Hi.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 3: On the other hand, I am a social recluse, so yes,
Speaker 3: so for me.
Speaker 2: But you're a book worm.
Speaker 1: In your books, you're reading, you're trying to better yourself
Speaker 1: all the time.
Speaker 3: So for me, it was like I would stay in
Speaker 3: an unhealthy relationship even though I knew I needed to
Speaker 3: take the courage to get out of it.
Speaker 1: You think most men are because more women leave, This
Speaker 1: is a fact. We both talked about this, and more
Speaker 1: women leave or solicit the divorce than men do. Men
Speaker 1: can stay unhappy for years and years, where women are like,
Speaker 1: you're not paying attention to me, why are you even
Speaker 1: with me?
Speaker 2: Why do you care?
Speaker 5: What?
Speaker 1: But why are we together if you don't even want
Speaker 1: to work on this or don't want to you know,
Speaker 1: come in and hug me and kiss me and give
Speaker 1: me attention and adore me, which is what women really
Speaker 1: want out of a relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I think from men are fixers. We
Speaker 3: want to fix it, So we come about it from
Speaker 3: a cognitive like it's a project we got to fix.
Speaker 3: And women usually are wanting more of that emotional connection, right,
Speaker 3: that emotional and so I think we just miss each other.
Speaker 3: I remember my ex wife talking about how she wanted affection,
Speaker 3: whereas for me, I was like, well, we need to
Speaker 3: fix some things before we can get to that point
Speaker 3: of affection. Yeah, so we just missed each other. We're
Speaker 3: coming at it from different angles and talk therapy. Couple's
Speaker 3: therapy can help because the therapist can help you to
Speaker 3: translate the language you're each speaking. But in our case,
Speaker 3: it just that that toxic pattern went on too long.
Speaker 3: It just went on too long.
Speaker 1: Let's let's open the phones up. What was twenty twenty
Speaker 1: five like for you? Was it a tough year?
Speaker 2: Is there?
Speaker 1: Is there something that you have shed in twenty twenty five,
Speaker 1: because let me just tell you, it's not just about
Speaker 1: oh man, this was a tough year. Twenty twenty six
Speaker 1: is gonna be an amazing year. Twenty twenty six is
Speaker 1: the year of the horse. These are the relationships that
Speaker 1: are going to be working. These are the friendships that
Speaker 1: that are are if they're going good, they're going to
Speaker 1: go great in twenty six twenty six. That your jobs
Speaker 1: are going to be more productive and more interesting and
Speaker 1: you'll be more valued in your jobs. That's what the
Speaker 1: Year of the horses, the year of the snake is.
Speaker 1: The tough is the is the tough year of twenty
Speaker 1: twenty five? I know I see the phone calls running,
Speaker 1: but what what is it?
Speaker 2: I mean?
Speaker 1: Because we talked about women, are the ones that solicit
Speaker 1: leaving a relationship because they're not happy men. And I've
Speaker 1: seen this with some friends that they knew. Some guy
Speaker 1: friends of mine knew that they should never have even
Speaker 1: started a relationship with this person, never even started it,
Speaker 1: and two years later they've wasted two years of their
Speaker 1: life and they're super upset. Why is it that men
Speaker 1: will take so much? I don't know what you would
Speaker 1: call it? Not abuse, because it's not abuse. Hang on,
Speaker 1: let's look at WK and Dayton wants to give the
Speaker 1: perspective of someone who's had a sexual successful relationship, and
Speaker 1: I would love to hear that.
Speaker 2: WK.
Speaker 1: Are you on the line, Okay, awesome, Yes, I'm just
Speaker 1: asking doctor Wes.
Speaker 2: Why is it.
Speaker 1: That that men don't leave a relationship. It takes the
Speaker 1: woman oftentimes to get out of a relationship that they
Speaker 1: know is not working.
Speaker 2: And maybe your perspective is very.
Speaker 5: Different, right, Well, we started out we were very different.
Speaker 5: My parents weren't for it, and we one was had
Speaker 5: one family had considerably more money than the other. Not rich,
Speaker 5: but wealthy are comfortable. But we since we were so different,
Speaker 5: we took three years and to make sure we really
Speaker 5: knew each other. And even while we were dating. We
Speaker 5: used to start our dates by going to church, and
Speaker 5: we did that quite often. That was a big part.
Speaker 5: I'm no holy roller or anything, but I tried to
Speaker 5: do the right thing ninety five ninety eight percent of
Speaker 5: the time, and so did she, and we ever even
Speaker 5: considered leaving each other, and we're very happy. She just
Speaker 5: recently died about nine months ago. Toughest thing I've ever
Speaker 5: gone through my life. But we flexed a lot, even
Speaker 5: though we were differences both in family wealth on each side,
Speaker 5: and we tried never to go to go to sleep
Speaker 5: mad yep. And I'm very proud. I feel like we
Speaker 5: both did about ninety five percent total effort, ninety five
Speaker 5: percent of the time, and I'm very proud of it.
Speaker 5: I felt like I did everything I could write as
Speaker 5: far as I was able, and I know she did too,
Speaker 5: and I'm very pleased with result.
Speaker 2: But how long were you together? WKA, how long were
Speaker 2: you together?
Speaker 5: Fifty five years? Wo We dated for three years before
Speaker 5: we got married. Then she just died in our fifty
Speaker 5: fifth year of marriage. And it's been the toughest thing
Speaker 5: I've gone through since she died. But I'm doing it,
Speaker 5: staying active and communicative and reading positive books to do it.
Speaker 2: That's what you had to do.
Speaker 5: Well. That's a couple of things I also did was
Speaker 5: motivational speakers. We went to see them a lot on attitude.
Speaker 5: And though she didn't have much education, she took two
Speaker 5: courses at the university. One was a business degree excuse me,
Speaker 5: a business course and the other was an English course.
Speaker 5: So though she wasn't totally educated, she worked out very
Speaker 5: well at a large CPA for them up here. And
Speaker 5: I taught school for about thirty years. But I think
Speaker 5: I think dating for a longer period of time, so
Speaker 5: making sure that you got the right person and time
Speaker 5: time got in with it in some way without happen
Speaker 5: to be a holy holy yeah.
Speaker 1: So first of all, I'm so sorry that you were
Speaker 1: going through this part of life and we all have
Speaker 1: to go through it. That does not make it easy
Speaker 1: at all. I'm so sorry to hear. But it sounds
Speaker 1: like you've had her for an amazing amount of time
Speaker 1: and that you guys were happy together, and that's that
Speaker 1: that is meaningful.
Speaker 5: We even had people ask uf you when ask her
Speaker 5: sometimes at the office, how long you in fifty five years?
Speaker 5: Just how would you stay with somebody for fifty five years,
Speaker 5: why would you stay? Yeah, and just almost laughable statements
Speaker 5: from other people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't know, they don't know what they don't
Speaker 1: know what you had. That's that's what we're talking That
Speaker 1: is exactly what we're why we're talking about this subject.
Speaker 1: And I also loved and we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: this in a minute. We're going to take a break.
Speaker 5: W K.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for calling in with that, with
Speaker 1: that great comment.
Speaker 2: I loved it.
Speaker 1: And happy new year to you and hope all as
Speaker 1: well coming up in your future.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: So what I loved is that he went out and
Speaker 1: he sought out positive motivational speakers, because what you say
Speaker 1: to yourself is so important. And we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about that because twenty twenty six, as I feel and
Speaker 1: I know and as we talk about, is going to
Speaker 1: be an amazing year for all of us. I think
Speaker 1: we're going to find relationships that we've never had before,
Speaker 1: including with the loves of our life, which is ourselves,
Speaker 1: the relationship that we have with ourselves.
Speaker 2: So when we get back, we are going to talk
Speaker 2: about that.
Speaker 1: What did you think about his comment about starting the
Speaker 1: dating at church.
Speaker 2: I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's actually a very strong way to meet
Speaker 3: church groups. Spirituality and faith is an important part a
Speaker 3: good way that people can get direction. And I definitely
Speaker 3: thought that was really great, really commendable.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was interesting.
Speaker 1: And and how that they never want, you know, everyone says,
Speaker 1: don't ever go to bed mad.
Speaker 2: Right, that's kind of a big deal.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you have this love and this care
Speaker 1: for each other, you don't want your partner to go
Speaker 1: to bed mad. You don't want them to be upset. No, right,
Speaker 1: And so so you know, having this I don't care,
Speaker 1: we kind of attitude of go ahead, go be mad,
Speaker 1: go do go, do your own thing kind of is
Speaker 1: like turning your back. It's a sign of a stone walling, almost,
Speaker 1: isn't it It is?
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's turning away instead of turning towards each other, right,
Speaker 3: which doctor Godman talks about. I love doctor Godman. You'll
Speaker 3: hear me talk about him a lot, but turning away
Speaker 3: from each other rather than turning towards And he talks
Speaker 3: a lot about the five to one ratio, five positive
Speaker 3: interactions to one negative interaction, and that's what you have
Speaker 3: to have to maintain a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, when we come back, we're going to
Speaker 1: talk more about twenty twenty six and what you can
Speaker 1: do to make it.
Speaker 2: The best possible year.
Speaker 1: And have you shed anything in twenty twenty five, five, one, three, seven, four, nine,
Speaker 1: seven thousand. Brady Hopkins is up next with the news,
Speaker 1: so we'll be taking your calls.
Speaker 3: Confidence. You have courage, You're willing to face the pain.
Speaker 3: You're willing to lean into the pain. That's what a
Speaker 3: lot of psychologists will talk about when people say how
Speaker 3: do I get through this? You lean into the pain.
Speaker 3: Your brain says, run away from it.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 3: Creativity, so you're flexible, you're adaptive, and you're connected. You
Speaker 3: have a sense of connection to others' life and meaning.
Speaker 3: So that comes out of it comes out of It's
Speaker 3: called internal family systems. If you're wanting to research it more.
Speaker 3: Self Leadership dot org is the website. But that's what
Speaker 3: I work with my clients on, helping them to get
Speaker 3: in touch with who they are so that they can
Speaker 3: start to be self led.
Speaker 1: Well, it's I love that courage is in there, because
Speaker 1: without that, everything else falls apart. Because those moments when
Speaker 1: you're scared and you feel alone and you don't have
Speaker 1: don't think anybody likes you and you don't.
Speaker 2: Nobody cares about you.
Speaker 1: It's those are the shadows, the scary part where you're like,
Speaker 1: oh god, I can't even think of this. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that you should just continue those thoughts. I don't
Speaker 1: think you should continue the thoughts, but the feelings that
Speaker 1: you get, that's where you need to go. And you
Speaker 1: have to say I'm here, I got you, I'm your
Speaker 1: I got your back. Yep, I'm not leaving you. I
Speaker 1: am I am going.
Speaker 2: To take care of you, so don't worry about it.
Speaker 4: Yep.
Speaker 2: That's having your back.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's.
Speaker 3: Sue Johnson is as a relationship therapist who recently passed away,
Speaker 3: but she's she found it an emotional focused therapy model,
Speaker 3: and she says, real love is the quiet confidence that
Speaker 3: when I reach for you, you will be there.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: And I reach for you, you will be there. So we
Speaker 3: need to apply that to ourselves too.
Speaker 1: Yes, because we are the greatest love of our lives.
Speaker 2: We are.
Speaker 1: So when you when I feel like I'm hurt or
Speaker 1: I'm sad, instead of reaching for the phone to pick
Speaker 1: up someone, and that's there's nothing wrong with that because
Speaker 1: we all need our partners. But let's have me try
Speaker 1: and do it first.
Speaker 3: It's like on the airplane they tell you to put
Speaker 3: your oxygen mask on first, Yes, before helping someone next
Speaker 3: to you.
Speaker 2: Yes, all right?
Speaker 1: Five, one, three, seven, eight hundred, the big one. What
Speaker 1: kind of a year was twenty twenty five for you?
Speaker 1: Was it hard for you? I mean, Wes and I
Speaker 1: have both shared that it's been a challenging year through
Speaker 1: both breakups and heartbreak and things like that that we've
Speaker 1: had to face and face within ourselves to get stronger
Speaker 1: through that.
Speaker 2: Stu, that's not easy, and it's.
Speaker 4: Still going on.
Speaker 2: It's a lifelove process.
Speaker 4: It's a day.
Speaker 2: Well, that's what we're talking.
Speaker 4: Get it back to process.
Speaker 2: Give us a call.
Speaker 1: What did you shed in twenty twenty five or what
Speaker 1: are you looking for in twenty twenty six? I went
Speaker 1: out to lunch with a friend of mine and he said,
Speaker 1: because we talked about this, and I said that the
Speaker 1: actually the horse in twenty twenty six does not come
Speaker 1: in until February, So February in twenty twenty six is
Speaker 1: really where it starts getting good.
Speaker 2: And I said, what did you shed?
Speaker 1: And he said his job, And he said he didn't
Speaker 1: feel appreciated. It was kind of chaotic there. You couldn't
Speaker 1: figure out who was running things, and it drove him
Speaker 1: absolutely nuts. And he's already taken the steps to speak
Speaker 1: to a friend. He's in it, speak to a friend,
Speaker 1: and they're both going to try and start their own
Speaker 1: company in twenty twenty six. That's what's kind of happening.
Speaker 1: After we get through one of the hardest years, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be. And isn't that always the case, Like it's
Speaker 1: darkest before it's dawn, Right, it's always harder or scarier,
Speaker 1: and everything you've ever wanted is on the other side
Speaker 1: of fear. So if you can make it, even if
Speaker 1: you're scared, even if you're having a tough time, and
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I'm speaking from experience because I've been
Speaker 1: through it, and it's if you keep going, if you
Speaker 1: keep doing the work, if you keep showing up for yourself,
Speaker 1: if you keep having your own back, it gets better.
Speaker 1: It gets better. Let's go to Steve in Batavia. Let's
Speaker 1: talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, you're on with donnadean doctor Wes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: can you hear me, Yeah, we can hear you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I've been sober living for the last like two years, okay,
Speaker 6: and living in a house in Norwood. I don't want
Speaker 6: to mention the name.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's okay, that's all right.
Speaker 6: Sixty three and I was born a eighty and so
Speaker 6: I met this woman, you know, and it's been kind
Speaker 6: of cool, you know.
Speaker 5: But it's like it seems like the.
Speaker 6: Women these days they don't want it's like they're afraid
Speaker 6: to get into any type of relationship if it has
Speaker 6: to do with you know, money or whatever it is,
Speaker 6: because I don't understand how they can. It's just I
Speaker 6: don't know. It's very hard to date when you're sixty three.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean listen, especially if you've been out of
Speaker 1: the game for a little bit sixty three, But that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're out of the game totally.
Speaker 2: Steve Wes, do you have a question for Steve?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: So, so, Steve, you're talking to me a little bit
Speaker 3: more about So this this person that you're interested in.
Speaker 3: What did you notice that she was pulling away from
Speaker 3: you when you are trying to pursue her.
Speaker 4: Is that what you noticed?
Speaker 6: Or now it seems like when you because I've been
Speaker 6: in sober living, I've been sober three year and going
Speaker 6: to A meetings and everything, and it seems you know,
Speaker 6: you get you know, you get you get close to
Speaker 6: these not these women. I don't have too many women,
Speaker 6: just this particular women that and it's it's like they
Speaker 6: are afraid that that you're going to be a failure
Speaker 6: and they're going to go back into what they were into.
Speaker 6: And I've been told that, Really, if you don't want
Speaker 6: to date people that you see in recovery and AA
Speaker 6: and stuff, yeah, it's just really it's a whole different story.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're ready to date someone see
Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're good and you're good with
Speaker 1: all your you know, being so and you feel like
Speaker 1: you've got your life under control that you could be
Speaker 1: with somebody.
Speaker 6: Yeah, Because I'm on disability and I work part time
Speaker 6: and I have money, I just I bought it. I
Speaker 6: have a nice vehicle. I bought a minivan for the
Speaker 6: sole purpose of taking people to AA meetings and meeting
Speaker 6: people that you know have the same issues but are
Speaker 6: trying to It just seems like I don't know that
Speaker 6: women are just I don't know. It's a lot different
Speaker 6: than it was back in the you know, I grew
Speaker 6: up in the seventies and eighties, and it's just like
Speaker 6: it's hard to crack that shell to find out what's
Speaker 6: going on with them. I mean it doesn't and it
Speaker 6: doesn't have to do with all sex and everything.
Speaker 2: It's yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 5: Women.
Speaker 6: Women have changed a lot there, Donna, in the last
Speaker 6: twenty thirty years. It's a lot different.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm totally different from who I was when I
Speaker 1: was twenty six.
Speaker 2: I mean so yeah, it I think women, you know,
Speaker 2: we've all we learn, we all learn hopefully.
Speaker 1: And Gary Zukov has said a writer that I love,
Speaker 1: he wrote a book called see This All. The longest
Speaker 1: journey we're ever going to take is from our head
Speaker 1: to our heart. Often times when you get older, there
Speaker 1: there's a there is a shell that you've been hurt
Speaker 1: before you don't want to try it again. But the
Speaker 1: idea of that is painful. I mean, I will always
Speaker 1: work to stay open hearted because and and be available
Speaker 1: to somebody that I care and want to have a
Speaker 1: relationship with. So maybe this woman has has, you know,
Speaker 1: been been broken a little bit through her life and
Speaker 1: Wes you can probably speak on this better than me,
Speaker 1: but she sounds she does sound a little guarded possibly.
Speaker 3: Sure, Yeah, I mean people will bring into their relationships
Speaker 3: parts of them that are I call them managers or firefighters.
Speaker 3: So those are proactive managers are like these thoughts, I
Speaker 3: should do this, I shouldn't do that. I have to
Speaker 3: be careful about this. I have to be careful about that.
Speaker 3: And then there are firefighters that when they start to
Speaker 3: get the slightest clue that something is happening in the
Speaker 3: present moment that happened to them in the past, then.
Speaker 4: They check out.
Speaker 3: They'll, they'll they'll it's called a firefighter because it's like
Speaker 3: they're lighting a fire of distraction, and so they will
Speaker 3: distract themselves. They will, they will check out, they may
Speaker 3: ghost you. You know, that's a phrase that we hear, right,
Speaker 3: and so yeah, it's it's a lot of it is
Speaker 3: just relationship trauma from the past that people have not
Speaker 3: healed and they're bringing it forward and projecting it onto you.
Speaker 3: And so yeah, that's that's really a tough place.
Speaker 1: And if she's not available to you, Steve, then you know,
Speaker 1: you just have to let her go on her own way. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, if she's if she is you know, not
Speaker 1: open to you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, I would like to just sit down and
Speaker 6: watch a Bengals game and just cuddle on the couch.
Speaker 6: And sometimes that's cool. I mean, and then like you know,
Speaker 6: like you say, pass things that come up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and life and it scares, Yeah, and it could
Speaker 3: it could scare.
Speaker 1: It could trigger a whole bunch of stuff that comes
Speaker 1: up for her, especially if she feels feelings for you.
Speaker 1: But you know, you got to take it day by
Speaker 1: day and be gentle with yourself and with her.
Speaker 2: I think sure, so.
Speaker 3: Just asking her, Hey, I just noticed that that that
Speaker 3: you kind of withdrew from me a little bit, or
Speaker 3: you got you softened, you got quiet you you know,
Speaker 3: your body language kind of showed me that you were withdrawing.
Speaker 3: And I'm wondering what's happening for you right now? That's
Speaker 3: a good question to ask, just what's happening for you?
Speaker 3: What's coming up for you right now?
Speaker 6: And I'm a musician like Donna, I play acousca guitar.
Speaker 6: I've been a league guitar player. I like to play
Speaker 6: some Neil Young and like start playing guitar and stuff.
Speaker 6: It seems like that's been one thing that I've done
Speaker 6: in my life that girls like and women like play guitar,
Speaker 6: you know, start breaking out in some America or some.
Speaker 1: You know Stevie Nicks and Neil Young is great to
Speaker 1: play absolutely, Tom Patty of.
Speaker 6: Course, yeah, I come from all that old rock and roll.
Speaker 2: Of course me too, Me too.
Speaker 1: See listen, I want to congratulate you on three years
Speaker 1: of sobriety.
Speaker 2: That is fantastic. Good for you.
Speaker 1: At the very minimum, you're working on yourself and it
Speaker 1: sounds like you're being a support for your community and
Speaker 1: all things are going to go right for you from
Speaker 1: that point on.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I bought a minivands I can take people to
Speaker 6: AA out Street. I go out Street, I go to
Speaker 6: all the AA meeans and nor would Avandale, downtown everywhere.
Speaker 1: Good for you, buddy, I appreciate it. Have a great
Speaker 1: twenty twenty six. It's going to be a good year
Speaker 1: for all of us. And thanks for calling in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Happy New Year, Happy New Year. You know it was
Speaker 1: interesting too, because I understand what he means.
Speaker 2: Women.
Speaker 1: Women can be challenging, especially as you get older and
Speaker 1: they get hurt and stuff like that. But there is
Speaker 1: a point where you can connect on a deeper level
Speaker 1: and start to build trust with someone that has.
Speaker 2: Those types of fears. Would you agree with that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's important to understand that not everyone.
Speaker 1: If you it's like it's like when you when you
Speaker 1: start trusting in yourself a little by little, it's earned.
Speaker 1: And so if Steve can say, hey, we can just
Speaker 1: sit on the couch. We don't even need to snuggle.
Speaker 1: We don't need to snuggle. I'll pick up my guitar
Speaker 1: and play for a little bit. If you want, let's
Speaker 1: just hang out, that might be something that would build
Speaker 1: trust for her.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you know, little by little, doctor West, not just
Speaker 1: not just with other people, but with ourselves.
Speaker 2: Keep your promises.
Speaker 1: We're going to talk about that because twenty twenty six,
Speaker 1: like I said, is going to be a really big year,
Speaker 1: the year the Horse. This is the riser of the
Speaker 1: divine unions made from love instead of fear, the era
Speaker 1: of post traumatic relationships. I'm reading this and this is
Speaker 1: what everybody is saying. Post traumatic relationship collapsing. People are
Speaker 1: done bonding through wounds and chaos and survival. We're all
Speaker 1: doing the work on ourselves to be able to be
Speaker 1: good partners for other people and to be big, you know,
Speaker 1: take responsibility for our own actions because believe me, that
Speaker 1: is extremely important.
Speaker 2: I think we got to go. We're up against the wall.
Speaker 1: But when we come back, we're going to break down
Speaker 1: what real love looks like. Yeah, and also three things
Speaker 1: to do in twenty twenty six to make that year
Speaker 1: to the upcoming twenty twenty six one of the best years.
Speaker 2: So we're gonna come back.
Speaker 1: Take your calls five one, three, seven, four, ninety seven thousand.
Speaker 1: News and Weather are up next, and it's done a
Speaker 1: d with Doctor West my buddy on seven hundred WLW Cincinnati.
Speaker 3: Eating or even in a long term marriage, that's a
Speaker 3: healthy that's a healthy thing.
Speaker 4: What you just think? Okay, Well, I don't know if
Speaker 4: you agree with me or not.
Speaker 1: I do because I don't want to be I'd rather
Speaker 1: be strolling. And I talked about this earlier. Do you
Speaker 1: like being single? This was the question this afternoon and
Speaker 1: his answer was I do, because here's the thing. I'd
Speaker 1: rather be by myself than be with somebody basically that
Speaker 1: doesn't care and is gonna call me and drive me
Speaker 1: nuts and where am I and all the attachment things
Speaker 1: that come with you.
Speaker 2: Didn't call me.
Speaker 3: You didn't, So it's just unhealthy. It's a toxic pattern.
Speaker 1: Yes, so all right, we have to go over that
Speaker 1: one more time. If you ask these three questions, and
Speaker 1: the three questions are are you are you there for me?
Speaker 2: Are you there for me? Do you see me?
Speaker 3: Do you see me and respond to me? And do
Speaker 3: I matter to you?
Speaker 1: Okay, those should be pretty easy to answer if you're
Speaker 1: in a loving relationship.
Speaker 4: Uh huh. And I'm not saying that.
Speaker 3: If if the answers know that, you throw the towel in, right,
Speaker 3: but you need to go to a therapist's office as
Speaker 3: soon as you can.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you need to call up doctor West
Speaker 1: since you're talking, So let's go to the phones in Dayton, Wayne.
Speaker 1: You're on with Donnade and doctor West. Tell me about
Speaker 1: your building your relationship.
Speaker 5: I agree with most things that you say said, and
Speaker 5: one thing that makes it easier is to help each other.
Speaker 5: Find a mentor someone that you admired that you want
Speaker 5: to copy their style and go back to from time
Speaker 5: to time. For me, it's a basketball coach Rick Patino
Speaker 5: a book called Success Life is Success in Life. And
Speaker 5: I look at this bulletin points in the book when
Speaker 5: I read it most most days, not every day, but
Speaker 5: most days, and it helps me and I also helped
Speaker 5: her fine. And her mentor was the on the book
Speaker 5: Magnolia with the with the two with a building house
Speaker 5: building couple that work in spite of their five children
Speaker 5: and all they maintained to even keep a show going
Speaker 5: for that time. But they've got five children all the time,
Speaker 5: they do it, and they have interest like.
Speaker 2: She does, and so they can do it. If they
Speaker 2: can do it, then she can do it right right.
Speaker 5: We've gone through a lot of difficulties when bankrupt once.
Speaker 5: Some died at an early age, and she also recently
Speaker 5: passed away. But having a mentor to go back to
Speaker 5: is great. And that book is called Success as a
Speaker 5: Choice by the way of Rick Patino, and it's written
Speaker 5: both for coaching a basketball team but also coaching yourself
Speaker 5: and other people for life.
Speaker 1: Oh, sports is a Sports is a great metaphor for
Speaker 1: almost anything, to be honest, if you you can work
Speaker 1: as a team with your with your partner, and you
Speaker 1: can get advice from that. Wayne, Thank you so much much.
Speaker 1: That's a great call. I appreciate it. Happy New Year,
Speaker 1: and thanks for calling in appreciate it so I mean,
Speaker 1: it's I've never actually heard finding a mentor, like a
Speaker 1: marriage mentor. Yeah, I mean a therapist, I've heard, but
Speaker 1: a mentor is a different thing. And it could be
Speaker 1: a family member that's got a successful relationship and or
Speaker 1: a book of somebody you admire that can teach you
Speaker 1: skills on how to talk to people.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: There are some churches too that have marriage mentoring programs.
Speaker 3: So yeah, there's a lot of resources available if you're
Speaker 3: if you're looking for like a marriage mentor, I would
Speaker 3: I would maybe check into that, But or just find
Speaker 3: somebody that you trust, that you look up to their
Speaker 3: relationship and ask them questions if they're open to it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: that's that's really a wise thing to do.
Speaker 2: So I loved the questions that you offered.
Speaker 1: And if you're even in a relationship that you're like,
Speaker 1: you know, I've been going back and forth with this guy,
Speaker 1: right and you know, I just don't feel like he's
Speaker 1: in it as much as I am. Or maybe we're
Speaker 1: just in different stages of this relationship. Maybe it's it's
Speaker 1: it's it doesn't feel like he wants to commit or something.
Speaker 1: When you ask those three questions, say them again, So.
Speaker 4: Are you there for me?
Speaker 2: Are you there for me?
Speaker 3: Do you see me and respond to me? And do
Speaker 3: I matter to you? Well, the last one is really important.
Speaker 3: I think do I matter to you?
Speaker 1: I watched an interview because I watch a lot of
Speaker 1: podcasts and reels and things like that on relationship stuff,
Speaker 1: because this is what drives me. And he said, the
Speaker 1: thing that saved his marriage was he came home late
Speaker 1: and he was rushing around and he, you know, didn't
Speaker 1: hug his wife. And she said, listen, what kind of
Speaker 1: a home do you want to come home to? Do
Speaker 1: you want it to be a loving home? Because if
Speaker 1: you do, you need to start acting like it. And
Speaker 1: he said her comment shaped the way he thought about
Speaker 1: his marriage and looked at it, and he said, basically
Speaker 1: saved it.
Speaker 2: Questions can do that.
Speaker 1: And sometimes, and I'll speak for myself too, when sometimes
Speaker 1: I already know the answer and don't want to ask
Speaker 1: the question. How detrimental is that to yourself and to
Speaker 1: the relationship.
Speaker 3: When you know the answer but you don't want to
Speaker 3: ask the question. That's right, Yeah, well that's where I
Speaker 3: would That's where I've been for twenty twenty five.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't want to know because you because you
Speaker 1: know that there's pain behind it's coming it's right here
Speaker 1: on the surface. Yeah, you know that the actions, the words,
Speaker 1: all those things that you know a loving relationship is.
Speaker 2: She's not displaying right.
Speaker 1: And so if you ask a direct question, she'll probably
Speaker 1: have a direct answer, and that's not the answer that
Speaker 1: you want.
Speaker 3: And that did happen towards the end of my marriage.
Speaker 3: I did ask those direct questions and I got a
Speaker 3: direct answer.
Speaker 2: That what's tough to hear, wasn't it. I mean, I
Speaker 2: know the answer to that.
Speaker 1: But I think a lot of people will just say, look,
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not going through separation. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to go through therapy. I'm not going to go and
Speaker 1: do the work it's going to take. Let's just ride
Speaker 1: it out. We're in our fifties, we have grown kit
Speaker 1: Let's just ride it out.
Speaker 2: What do you tell a couple that decides to do that.
Speaker 3: Well, I usually will tell them that they're not going
Speaker 3: to have a deep felt sense of a secure attachment,
Speaker 3: and so it's going to be very surface level. They're
Speaker 3: going to be it's it's basically it's a transactional relationship,
Speaker 3: and they're going to end up basically keeping score, and
Speaker 3: it's it's going to be like a Ledger system, like
Speaker 3: a balance of whose bank account has you know, it's
Speaker 3: not going to be healthy, is what I'll tell them,
Speaker 3: unless they want to design it in a way that
Speaker 3: they're very intentional about it. They have very clear communication
Speaker 3: about what why we're staying together. We're staying together for
Speaker 3: a transactional relationship. And this is the reason why I
Speaker 3: don't see a lot of relationships making it though based
Speaker 3: on transactions.
Speaker 1: And what does that mean exactly? The transactional relationship.
Speaker 2: Just just living together and surviving.
Speaker 3: Just basically doing life, doing life without an emotional bond,
Speaker 3: so roommates people for.
Speaker 1: People forget what a true loving relationship is if you've
Speaker 1: been in it. And I can remember, and I've said
Speaker 1: this to you and on this on these airwaves.
Speaker 2: I've said this many times that my husband and.
Speaker 1: I were very happy for fourteen straight years. We were
Speaker 1: very happy, and now that I'm out of it, I
Speaker 1: can see how great it was back then. Now we
Speaker 1: moved in different directions and that happens to all kinds
Speaker 1: of couples, and we're still friends, and I'm grateful that
Speaker 1: we did have the good times that we have, But
Speaker 1: I won't settle for anything less than having two people
Speaker 1: that care about each other and somebody that loves me
Speaker 1: and adores me, and vice versa. I love and adore
Speaker 1: him and work well together, keeping the love alive, making
Speaker 1: a choice to be loving instead of agitated, irritated, aggravated.
Speaker 1: And I can see where I did that back when
Speaker 1: you know, he annoyed me or I annoyed him. We
Speaker 1: you know, for the most part, we did pretty well
Speaker 1: at twenty four and twenty six when we got married
Speaker 1: and we carried that through. We did have a very
Speaker 1: loving bond, but something happened that we moved away from that.
Speaker 1: And when we did did neither one of us wanted
Speaker 1: to continue that because we knew what we had right
Speaker 1: and it was it was very interesting. Other things happened
Speaker 1: to you know, not them put everything on front Street,
Speaker 1: but I mean like it was, it was, you know.
Speaker 2: Fighting more than more than loving energy in the house.
Speaker 3: So the five to one ratio was out of balance.
Speaker 3: It's five positives to one negative.
Speaker 2: Oh is that what it is?
Speaker 3: That's what the that's what the ratio it needs to
Speaker 3: be according to doctor Gotman's research.
Speaker 2: Okay, can you explain that all lot?
Speaker 3: Yeah, So five positive interactions That can be a verbal interaction,
Speaker 3: it can be a nonverbal interaction. It's just you know,
Speaker 3: you're turning towards each other, you're smiling to each other,
Speaker 3: you're saying, I love you. Five positives to one negative.
Speaker 1: Wow, it was definitely flipped towards the end. And then
Speaker 1: once we separated, it was all positive. I mean, go figure.
Speaker 1: I mean, but I mean it was because we knew
Speaker 1: that what we were doing wasn't working anymore. So we've
Speaker 1: decided like, all right, yeah, we still lived at next door,
Speaker 1: we had three dogs together. We you know, we we
Speaker 1: still had a deep, deep friendship that just the you know,
Speaker 1: loving relationship of a couple was no longer there.
Speaker 3: And that's people will stay together sometimes because of the
Speaker 3: image of love that they have that they hope that there,
Speaker 3: or the image that they maybe remembered that they had
Speaker 3: with this partner. They had they had this type of
Speaker 3: relationship with this partner. It's no longer there, but they're
Speaker 3: hoping it'll come back, so they'll stay with it, and
Speaker 3: it's never going to come back.
Speaker 1: Usually, Yeah, once that bond is broken, it's really hard
Speaker 1: to come back.
Speaker 2: And that it can be done.
Speaker 4: It can be done.
Speaker 2: It can be done it. But but it's hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah, once you say, all right, you turned your back
Speaker 1: on me and I turned my back on you, and
Speaker 1: all right, we're done, and that's kind of what happened.
Speaker 2: And it's always sad. It's so hard to let go.
Speaker 1: But if you're if you're courageous and you're brave, and
Speaker 1: you're looking at it in a real light, and you're
Speaker 1: both saying, all right, this just doesn't seem like it's working.
Speaker 1: We've tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, and it just doesn't
Speaker 1: seem Even if you're in a relationship right now and
Speaker 1: you're saying it's not working, you can simply say, all right,
Speaker 1: what we're doing is not working, and we can take
Speaker 1: a break. It doesn't have to lead to separation, it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to lead to divorce. You can say what
Speaker 1: we're doing right now is not so let me go
Speaker 1: heal myself and do some of the things on my own.
Speaker 2: You do some of the things on your own.
Speaker 1: We can still live in the same house and parent
Speaker 1: the kids or whatever, if that's what you have, and
Speaker 1: then figure out what it is that you.
Speaker 2: Can look at for yourself and change that.
Speaker 4: That's right, You're on the right track there.
Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely, Yeah, Well it's I tell couples that they
Speaker 3: need to when they're arguing. They've got literally it's like
Speaker 3: a seven or eight percent chance of having a successful relationship.
Speaker 3: That's just the brain, that's the neuroscience behind it. So
Speaker 3: they need to be able to go to their separate
Speaker 3: rooms literally and calm down for thirty minutes.
Speaker 2: And that does wonders.
Speaker 1: It does you start to stop the insanity of the mind.
Speaker 2: That's like, it's you, you, you, you, you, and not me,
Speaker 2: me me.
Speaker 3: It's a primal panic, is what it is. Yeah, it's
Speaker 3: a panic because it's your attachment figure that you've gotten
Speaker 3: disconnected from and you want to connect with them so badly,
Speaker 3: but you can't because you're in the four horses.
Speaker 2: Then here's my safety net.
Speaker 1: And he doesn't love me anymore and he's being mean
Speaker 1: to me, and how could he say these things?
Speaker 2: And how's he looking at it? I don't get it.
Speaker 1: And then you go and you sit by yourself for
Speaker 1: thirty minutes, and.
Speaker 2: You know, maybe some of that was me. I shouldn't
Speaker 2: have said some of that stuff.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you flip your lids what.
Speaker 2: It is, literally, flip your your lid.
Speaker 3: You flip your lid, you flip the prefrontal cortex in
Speaker 3: your brain, which helps you main rational, and you go
Speaker 3: into the part of your brain that's the fight flight
Speaker 3: or freeze.
Speaker 1: Five win, flip your lid five and three nine thousand, one,
Speaker 1: eight hundred, the big one. If you want to get
Speaker 1: in the discussion with doctor Wes and myself don a
Speaker 1: d I want to talk about because we're gonna we've
Speaker 1: got about two minutes left, two and a half three
Speaker 1: Three things to make your life happier in twenty twenty six.
Speaker 1: And these are three things that I feel like if
Speaker 1: we can do and I've seen I've seen myself in
Speaker 1: all three of these things that I've done, and I'm
Speaker 1: really going to focus on twenty twenty six to make
Speaker 1: my life happier within myself. I'm not asking for anybody
Speaker 1: else to join in yet. I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that I am the best I can be in twenty
Speaker 1: twenty six. Three things to make your life happier. Number one,
Speaker 1: stop regretting the past. You cannot do anything about you
Speaker 1: can learn, so you go there and you just to learn.
Speaker 1: But you know, when you're sitting in stewing and regretting,
Speaker 1: and that's not going to be making yourself happy. It's
Speaker 1: actually going to make do the opposite. So stop regretting
Speaker 1: the past. Number two, stop worrying about the future, because
Speaker 1: most scientists say most things that you worry about do
Speaker 1: not ever happen, So don't spend any time in worrying
Speaker 1: about anything. And then the third thing is stop looking
Speaker 1: for others to make you happy. It is an inside job.
Speaker 1: And then when you bring yourself, your strong, self secure,
Speaker 1: self grounded, self loving self to any relationship, whether it's
Speaker 1: a friendship, a work relationship, a partner relationship, a romantic relationship, anything,
Speaker 1: you're going to be succeeding.
Speaker 2: Do you agree with those.
Speaker 3: One hundred percent that the past is not the past
Speaker 3: if it's in your present? So yeah, your past has
Speaker 3: to be the past. Well, And it's what I tell
Speaker 3: my clients is anxiety. Anxiety lives in the future, right,
Speaker 3: Depression lives in the past usually so right, So anxiety
Speaker 3: and depression are cousins to each other. So we got
Speaker 3: to live in the present moment, bring it back to
Speaker 3: the center, and stay present.
Speaker 1: And I just thought of a fourth one comparison is
Speaker 1: the thief of joy. Stop comparing your life and those
Speaker 1: that you see on social media that all look so
Speaker 1: happy and everybody else or so and so and so
Speaker 1: good with high site reel, it is so bad, soop
Speaker 1: of comparison.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So neuroscientists when we come back, have been studying the
Speaker 1: brain and what they're finding out is really important about
Speaker 1: what you say to yourself and how you can make
Speaker 1: yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable. We're going
Speaker 1: to talk about that when we come back. News and
Speaker 1: Weather up next. It's Donna d Doctor Wes on a
Speaker 1: Saturday night relationship radio in seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: thanks for being of that's done a Dan, doctor Wes.
Speaker 1: Russ Jackson producing the show, pulling this all the out
Speaker 1: Relationship Radio on this beautiful Saturday night in Cincinnati. We've
Speaker 1: talked about real loving relationships and others and we're we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about this in a moment. But I
Speaker 1: did want to get to Russ put a chat in
Speaker 1: a caller who said they didn't want to go on
Speaker 1: air with us, but wanted to ask doctor Wes about
Speaker 1: relationships where they can't stand each other but they are
Speaker 1: addicted to each other.
Speaker 2: What would you call that?
Speaker 3: So, just off the top of my head, it sounds
Speaker 3: like a trauma bond.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: Trauma bond is where there are periods of fear, criticism, neglect,
Speaker 3: or abuse followed by apologies, affection, promises of safety. Their
Speaker 3: relief creates the bonding, but there's not safety in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Right, And that's like the big key element of you
Speaker 1: have to have a safe place to land if it's
Speaker 1: a loving relationship, and if they don't like each other,
Speaker 1: yeah they should get out of it or what should
Speaker 1: they do?
Speaker 3: Well, they need to just be honest about I think no, she.
Speaker 1: Said they can't stand, they can't change each other, but
Speaker 1: they are addicted to each other, then.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would get into some therapy to break that addiction.
Speaker 3: That's that is that that's a physiological addiction. So basically
Speaker 3: it's it's like a drug addiction. It's it's like it's
Speaker 3: your brain. It's the stress hormones cortisol and the bonding
Speaker 3: chemicals dopamine and oxytocin. They become linked and so the
Speaker 3: high arousal can cause you to become addicted and the calm. Actually,
Speaker 3: what I see with one of my clients is that
Speaker 3: they will tell me it doesn't feel safe. It actually
Speaker 3: feels empty when I'm calm. It feels empty when I'm calm.
Speaker 1: So that's a red red flag because loving relationships should
Speaker 1: be calm and not filled with anxiety.
Speaker 3: Correct, So calm can feel empty or unsad when you're
Speaker 3: addicted to your partner.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, because there would be drama all day, all
Speaker 1: the time, and then your nervous system never settles with
Speaker 1: that person. No, No, that is definitely And I even
Speaker 1: see parts of that in my last relationship. I see
Speaker 1: because I even said I remember him saying to me,
Speaker 1: I don't feel calm around you, and I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, that hurts my heart.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember that.
Speaker 1: But there was a lot of drama in the relationship
Speaker 1: going on within him, and he was looking for me
Speaker 1: to help.
Speaker 2: Him all the time.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you've got to this is yours, not mine.
Speaker 1: I would love to do this, but this is not.
Speaker 1: You've got to dig deep here, because ultimately we all
Speaker 1: have to walk our own path, right, we all have
Speaker 1: to figure out how to love ourselves and how to
Speaker 1: have our own back. This is something that I am
Speaker 1: bringing into twenty six that I I'm going to get
Speaker 1: so good at it's literally I I am a big
Speaker 1: cheerleader within myself, but I also lean on people like
Speaker 1: my twin sister and I I really want to make
Speaker 1: sure that I am the person that I go to
Speaker 1: first to lean on. And then, I mean, because having
Speaker 1: you can't do it alone. You have to have your partners.
Speaker 1: You have to have people to talk to, You have
Speaker 1: to have people to bounce things off of.
Speaker 2: Is it me? Is it him? I mean, so you
Speaker 2: have to have that.
Speaker 1: But there's always a question I'm going to ask before
Speaker 1: I go to somebody else and say, how can I
Speaker 1: handle this myself?
Speaker 4: Right? M hm?
Speaker 1: Because I feel like, you know, your greatest love of
Speaker 1: your life is you right?
Speaker 4: And should be?
Speaker 2: It should be? And we're all so hard on ourselves.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you start paying attention to the thoughts
Speaker 1: in your head, which most people don't understand, that there
Speaker 1: is somebody in your head talking all the time, the
Speaker 1: voice of the ego that's usually negative, repetitive, and useless.
Speaker 1: Ecker totally says eighty to ninety percent. So if we
Speaker 1: have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts a day, and eighty
Speaker 1: to ninety percent of those are negative. That's like you're
Speaker 1: walking around with somebody that's so mean to you all
Speaker 1: the time.
Speaker 2: And if you don't know that that's what's.
Speaker 1: Going on, you're gonna be angry, you're gonna be upset,
Speaker 1: you're gonna a your nervous system is going to be
Speaker 1: active all the time, and it's going to be a
Speaker 1: hard life to live.
Speaker 4: It will be yeah, the inner critic, right.
Speaker 1: So it's so important to be aware of the things
Speaker 1: that you're saying to yourself. And neuroscientists have been studying
Speaker 1: the brain and what they are finding is that the
Speaker 1: brain doesn't care if the story is true or not.
Speaker 1: You know, when you're in a dream state and you're
Speaker 1: having a dream and your nervous system you wake up
Speaker 1: and your fingers are clenching and your sweating, and your
Speaker 1: nervous system doesn't know that that's not actually happening. That's right,
Speaker 1: But that's what happens all day long when we're talking
Speaker 1: bad about ourselves and others. So it matters over and
Speaker 1: over again what you say. It doesn't matter if it's
Speaker 1: true or not. It just matters that the things that
Speaker 1: you are saying and you repeat over yourself over again.
Speaker 1: So If you say, hey, I have bad luck with women,
Speaker 1: guess what you're in have bad luck with women.
Speaker 3: It's the template you're forming, the recipe you're creating for yourself.
Speaker 1: You never have any money, Nope, you will not. You're
Speaker 1: unlucky in love, or you attract the worst type of people.
Speaker 1: Guess what you're going to continue to do that. I
Speaker 1: remember I was I was just starting to date this
Speaker 1: one guy and he said, I'm so unlucky. I said,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you told me that, because I don't want
Speaker 1: to hang out with somebody so unlucky.
Speaker 2: I want to be in the vicinity of you. And
Speaker 2: he was like, well, I didn't mean that.
Speaker 1: I'm like, when you say stuff like that, you put
Speaker 1: an X on your back, right, there's gonna be some
Speaker 1: I don't want to be standing next to you when
Speaker 1: you do that. If you say you're gonna have a
Speaker 1: successful career, there's a good chance that's gonna happen. If
Speaker 1: you say I'm gonna find my soulmate and you say
Speaker 1: it over and over again in twenty twenty six, twenty
Speaker 1: twenty six is going to be the best year, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to find the person that I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: a real loving relationship with Maybe that might be a
Speaker 1: good it's certainly a good chance for you to have it.
Speaker 1: If you continue to say these things over and over again,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find the person that I'm gonna marry.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna I'm gonna be you know, successful.
Speaker 1: Even if even if you say I'm gonna make a
Speaker 1: million dollars, I don't know how. I'm just gonna do it,
Speaker 1: and you keep saying that over and over and over again,
Speaker 1: chances are you're gonna say it. So how important is
Speaker 1: it to look at and to start talking in a
Speaker 1: positive way. Get that feed loop going in a positive way.
Speaker 1: Understand that negativity breeds negativity and it's going to manifest
Speaker 1: all kinds of negative things. The opposite is true when
Speaker 1: you're looking at positive things.
Speaker 3: So you're rewiring your brain, is what you're doing when
Speaker 3: you are creating a new template for your brain. So
Speaker 3: neurons in your brain, neurons that fire together, wire together.
Speaker 3: So the brain is about associations. So if you associate
Speaker 3: yourself with positive energy or positive thinking, you're going to
Speaker 3: feel that way.
Speaker 2: Okay, so what if I don't feel positive?
Speaker 3: What is But if you say it enough if you create,
Speaker 3: it's fake it till you make it.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because you're still creating, you're still firing it off
Speaker 3: in your brain and you're wiring it in to your reality.
Speaker 3: It's a way that treat post traumatic stress disorder is
Speaker 3: by helping people go back to get traumatic memories. We
Speaker 3: can't change what's happened to them, but we can lessen
Speaker 3: the intensity of the emotion they feel because just like
Speaker 3: what you say, Donna, your nervous system cannot tell the
Speaker 3: difference between what it perceives is happening and what is
Speaker 3: really happening.
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, it's it's it's And people studying the brain
Speaker 1: or understanding this on a deeper level, how important it
Speaker 1: is to understand the things that you are saying, the
Speaker 1: thoughts that you are saying to yourself. And some people
Speaker 1: don't even they don't know that there is a little
Speaker 1: man or a woman you see when when you see,
Speaker 1: you know, somebody out on the street and they're they're
Speaker 1: they're homeless, or they're they're you know, it's disturbed and
Speaker 1: they're talking to themselves and you see it.
Speaker 2: I mean, when I lived in La it was a
Speaker 2: frequent thing.
Speaker 1: They're yelling at themselves and they're real loud blah blah,
Speaker 1: but we all have that to a certain level degree
Speaker 1: of of of a man or a woman. You have
Speaker 1: a man, I have a woman in my head that
Speaker 1: talks to me all the time. And if I don't
Speaker 1: control that voice, and I say this all the time
Speaker 1: in my yoga classes too. You can control that voice
Speaker 1: because you can say right now in your say in
Speaker 1: your head, right now, scream your name in your head
Speaker 1: and then whisper it. You have control of that voice,
Speaker 1: and if you turn it into a positive then then
Speaker 1: instead of negative talk, it's going to change your life.
Speaker 1: I can tell you that, let's go to Centerville with Cap. Hey, Cap,
Speaker 1: do you have something to say on this? You're on
Speaker 1: WLW with Donna d and doctor Wes.
Speaker 5: Yeah. I would make a list to get rid of
Speaker 5: the negativity of all the positive things that you've done
Speaker 5: in the past. Write them down, and also make a
Speaker 5: list of all the things in detail, write them down
Speaker 5: what you're grateful for, Yes, yeah, some real simple ones.
Speaker 5: Is I live in America. I live in Ohio in
Speaker 5: an area that doesn't have a lot of problems like
Speaker 5: other places in the world. World and a number of
Speaker 5: other things that you're grateful for, opportunities you've been given.
Speaker 1: You have two legs, two arms, two eyes, two hands,
Speaker 1: You're healthy, your body is healthy, you have you have
Speaker 1: an open heart.
Speaker 2: You I mean, I can go on.
Speaker 1: I write a gratitude list every single day to help
Speaker 1: me look for the things that are positive in my life,
Speaker 1: not the negative.
Speaker 5: And Keith, and if you have to refer to the
Speaker 5: same list most days or every day, then then do that. Yeah,
Speaker 5: and again, be grateful for everything that you have and
Speaker 5: what things that you've done that you were successful for
Speaker 5: that made a difference in your life, and focus on those.
Speaker 4: That's that's exactly right. I agree, hundred percent. Yeah, good deal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, grateful for you and grateful for your call. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Happy New Year.
Speaker 5: You got it.
Speaker 4: But he's right, He's exactly right.
Speaker 1: Lists are so important and if you do it right
Speaker 1: before you go to bed, five things that you're grateful for.
Speaker 1: I mean, anybody can come up with five things that
Speaker 1: you're grateful for.
Speaker 2: I remember I was in a really bad mood. This
Speaker 2: was a very long time ago, and.
Speaker 1: I was talking to my sister on the phone and
Speaker 1: she said, tell me something you're grateful for, and I.
Speaker 2: Didn't want to do it. I was in a bad
Speaker 2: mood and I didn't want to do it. And I
Speaker 2: was like, I'm grateful for you, and she was like,
Speaker 2: grab me. I did not.
Speaker 1: So there's a resistance to to when you're in a
Speaker 1: bad mood.
Speaker 2: Sometimes you just want to stay there.
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you, the longer you stay there, the
Speaker 1: harder it is to get out of it.
Speaker 3: I would agree with that too, because it's a self
Speaker 3: fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, we create our own reality by what
Speaker 3: by the thoughts we tell ourselves. There's a whole school
Speaker 3: of therapy called narrative therapy, and it looks at the
Speaker 3: stories that we write about ourselves.
Speaker 2: Do you think it's helpful to.
Speaker 1: Sit quietly, maybe with a pen and a piece of
Speaker 1: paper and close your eyes. And what's ironic is that
Speaker 1: when you try and listen to a thought, they're not there.
Speaker 1: It's hard to which is great because you have a
Speaker 1: peace of mind for a second, and one deep breath
Speaker 1: can get you into the present moment. It's really important
Speaker 1: to try and find that as much as possible. Is
Speaker 1: just to be present in life and being in nature
Speaker 1: and being with your animals and your pets and things
Speaker 1: like that can get you present. But is it helpful
Speaker 1: to write down some of the things that you're saying
Speaker 1: to yourself, like in a journal of like, Wow, I
Speaker 1: just said that I am mean and I don't mean it.
Speaker 1: I'm mean and I'm nasty and nobody likes me. Is
Speaker 1: that really the truth? You've got to question these thoughts.
Speaker 4: That you're having to put your thoughts on trial. Yes, yeah, you.
Speaker 1: Have to question them because the ego tries to pull
Speaker 1: you in that mind made self.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And and first, I don't know what reason that is.
Speaker 1: I have no idea why we are battling the ego
Speaker 1: all the time. It's a negativity bias.
Speaker 2: Is that what it is?
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, evolutionarily speaking, we are brain's designed to
Speaker 3: keep us alive, right.
Speaker 1: So they're looking for things to keep us out of danger.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're constantly Our brains are designed to keep us alive,
Speaker 3: so we have to constantly scan for threats. If a
Speaker 3: threat's not there, then our brain will focus on what's
Speaker 3: wrong in this present moment, even if nothing's wrong, and
Speaker 3: then we believe it is true. Just because a thought
Speaker 3: is a thought is a thought, right, It doesn't mean
Speaker 3: it's true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you have to question everything and ask yourself
Speaker 1: questions like do I really am I really mad at
Speaker 1: somebody that didn't text me back and it's taken them
Speaker 1: an hour?
Speaker 2: Is that really what I'm going to be upset about.
Speaker 1: I just had like the most amazing on air gig
Speaker 1: and I just had amazing for you clients that right,
Speaker 1: I just killed it in yoga and I was so
Speaker 1: strong whatever, And then I'm gonna get myself all upset
Speaker 1: because somebody didn't text me back something, or somebody didn't
Speaker 1: like my Facebook page at the very minimum?
Speaker 2: Right? Can we evolve from that.
Speaker 3: With mindfulness awareness? You can, but that can expect to
Speaker 3: what you were talking about writing it down. I think
Speaker 3: if you're going to write down the negative things you're thinking,
Speaker 3: I would want to say that it's a part of
Speaker 3: me that's thinking it, not all of me. This is
Speaker 3: like a false voice, it's like a false self. So
Speaker 3: that's what I tell my clients to you, right, it's
Speaker 3: like the inner critic.
Speaker 1: Talking to me right, right, And you don't it's like somebody,
Speaker 1: It's like you would never hang out with somebody on
Speaker 1: a consistent basis a friend that was so negative all
Speaker 1: the time. You'd be like, get out of here, that's right.
Speaker 1: But that's what we do to ourselves in our head
Speaker 1: all the time.
Speaker 2: It's can say it's insanity, it really is.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you think about the craziness of the
Speaker 1: ego and the mind made self and how negative it
Speaker 1: can be, and people don't understand that it's not really them.
Speaker 1: It's just these patterns of growing up and things that
Speaker 1: we've heard being told. We talked about being bullied, right,
Speaker 1: and if you believe, like you you've been bullied and
Speaker 1: they say you're this, you're that, you're whatever, and those
Speaker 1: things you hold on to that could be part of
Speaker 1: the ego in your later adult life.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely, Yeah, I can relate to that for sure.
Speaker 1: And so and so the how would you say, other
Speaker 1: than writing it down or finding things to be grateful for,
Speaker 1: would you say looking at that or would you just
Speaker 1: ignore the voice altogether?
Speaker 5: Me?
Speaker 1: I just ignore it and say, no, that's not me,
Speaker 1: that's that alter ego. That's not a good person. And
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to hear it,
Speaker 1: don't want to pay attention to it.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's one strategy you can certainly do and
Speaker 3: it works for you. It sounds like does it work
Speaker 3: for you?
Speaker 2: Yes, it does?
Speaker 3: Okay, then great. And then there are other people that
Speaker 3: who might want to look at like what's the reason
Speaker 3: for it? So I'll have them like talk to their
Speaker 3: inner child. Yeah, and have a conversation with the inner child.
Speaker 3: And that can help some people too.
Speaker 1: So if somebody in your office says, listen, I've been negative.
Speaker 2: I can't get out of it.
Speaker 1: And I feel like some of this is my mom
Speaker 1: used to just criticize me on everything. Yeah, and I
Speaker 1: feel like some of this stuff is carried over in
Speaker 1: my adult life.
Speaker 2: I got to get rid of it. How do I
Speaker 2: do it?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: In that case, I would say, let's talk to the
Speaker 3: inner child as your adult self. So let's imagine that
Speaker 3: they're sitting in a chair in this office with us
Speaker 3: right now. Yeah, and I want you to ask them
Speaker 3: to tell you what it is that the thoughts are,
Speaker 3: and then I want you to respond to them in
Speaker 3: a way that you needed to hear, what you give
Speaker 3: yourself what you needed to hear back then that you
Speaker 3: get Oh.
Speaker 2: That that makes my heart right.
Speaker 1: I mean, because you do have to parent yourself to yourself.
Speaker 1: You do it's it's you have to be your mother,
Speaker 1: you have to be your father, you have to be
Speaker 1: your sister, you have to be your daughter. You have
Speaker 1: to and it really is having your own back. And
Speaker 1: that's a great example of doing that right there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right, that's fantastic. When we come back, and please
Speaker 1: feel free to join in the conversation five one, three,
Speaker 1: four ninety seven thousand. I know some of you are
Speaker 1: calling in and I haven't gotten a chance to, but
Speaker 1: please call back. We have one more hour on the show,
Speaker 1: and what we're going to talk about in the eleven
Speaker 1: o'clock hour is really crazy statistics about women twenty five
Speaker 1: point fifty four and being single by choice. We're going
Speaker 1: to talk about are you happy being single? Do you
Speaker 1: want to get into a relate reationship in twenty twenty six?
Speaker 1: Is your relationship working now? And what are you doing
Speaker 1: to support that? So coming back a lot to get
Speaker 1: into in the eleven o'clock hour, Russ Jackson producing, We've
Speaker 1: got news and weather coming up. The Bengals tomorrow against
Speaker 1: Arizona one pm A pay Corp. It's gonna be a
Speaker 1: good game and it's gonna be warm. Almost seventy degrees.
Speaker 1: Donna d doctor Wes is WLW, Cincinnati. Well, no, I
Speaker 1: think men taking care of their And he had just said,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to your yoga class because my feet
Speaker 1: are so ugly. Well, go get a pedicure, go get
Speaker 1: get some help with that. Why are you gonna lose
Speaker 1: your man card?
Speaker 4: Right? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Is it stereo?
Speaker 3: It's stereotypical gender role, it's gender role typing. It's prescriptiveness
Speaker 3: that men are supposed to do these things and men
Speaker 3: are not supposed to do these things. And if you do, then,
Speaker 3: as that individual said, they're gonna pull the man card
Speaker 3: from that person. So yeah, it's we have to broad
Speaker 3: the gender role a little bit and say that it's
Speaker 3: okay for me emotion.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 1: I personally love when men show emotion.
Speaker 2: It's it's it's foreign to me when they don't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I and and really I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's me being you know, comfortable with men, asking
Speaker 1: questions with them, and you know, because they show emotion
Speaker 1: to me, I don't see too many men that are
Speaker 1: just stone cold, and I think they want to be
Speaker 1: emotional creatures.
Speaker 2: They want to let it out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course they do we all have emotions because
Speaker 3: that's our barometer for we have to That's the way
Speaker 3: we keep ourselves alive, right, is by our feelings, right,
Speaker 3: which then tell our brains what to do and and
Speaker 3: and so. But Yeah, the Surgeon General into twenty twenty
Speaker 3: three a formerly identified loneliness and social isolation as a
Speaker 3: public health crisis, and middle aged and older men report
Speaker 3: steeper declines in friendships than women, And.
Speaker 2: So I would agree with that.
Speaker 1: I would agree that men really need to work hard
Speaker 1: at finding close relationships and they have to trust other guys.
Speaker 1: There's plenty of guys that do that, that support people
Speaker 1: in men's groups and things like that.
Speaker 2: If I was a younger guy, I would search.
Speaker 1: Out mentors and men groups and people that are positive
Speaker 1: role models in your church or your community that are
Speaker 1: going to support a loving, open hearted.
Speaker 2: Relationship with a man.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2: I think that is really important.
Speaker 1: Okay, back to the stats of by twenty thirty, nearly
Speaker 1: fifty percent of women twenty five to forty five, according
Speaker 1: to Morgan Stanley, will be single by choice forty five
Speaker 1: to fifty five percent. There's four reasons for that, one
Speaker 1: of them changing social attitudes. So a rising share of
Speaker 1: women report that marriage is not essential.
Speaker 2: For a fulfilling life.
Speaker 1: Surveys show that nearly half women don't see marriages as essential,
Speaker 1: and they would prefer to.
Speaker 2: Get careers early on.
Speaker 1: They're not saying marriage is out of the question, but
Speaker 1: they want to get their careers going first.
Speaker 2: That's the first thing. Economic independence.
Speaker 1: A lot more women are in the workforce, they're getting
Speaker 1: higher education, and they're gaining greater financial autonomy versus prior generations,
Speaker 1: so it reduces the economic pressure to marry a man.
Speaker 2: So that's number two. Delayed family formation.
Speaker 1: The median age of a first marriage has steadily increased
Speaker 1: over decades. More women are choosing to delay childbirth or
Speaker 1: remain child free, often citing career goals and economic pressures
Speaker 1: or lifestyle choices. And then the final one is the
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics. Some women report frustration with modern dating norms
Speaker 1: and evolving expectations about emotional availability, equality, and partnership dynamics.
Speaker 1: So they're they're seeing, Hey, my parents' marriage didn't work out,
Speaker 1: and my aunt's marriage didn't work out, and my sister's
Speaker 1: marriage didn't work out. I'm gonna wait and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: put all my eggs in this basket in terms of
Speaker 1: my career and making myself financially responsible. That's where this
Speaker 1: is coming from. Let's go to Michael from Sydney and
Speaker 1: find out why males feel.
Speaker 2: The same way they do. Michael, you're on with Donna Dan,
Speaker 2: doctor West. What what what do you say about all this?
Speaker 1: Well, it's my Hey, hey Michael, for some reason, we're
Speaker 1: not getting you.
Speaker 2: You're breaking up.
Speaker 5: Hear me out?
Speaker 2: Uh, sort of keep going and if we do, you
Speaker 2: might have to. Are you on a bluetooth? Oh that's better, Michael,
Speaker 2: Can you hear me?
Speaker 1: Yes? Okay, go ahead. Uh oh boy, I'm sorry, Michael.
Speaker 1: Try and call back when you're in a better service area.
Speaker 1: For some reason, we're not picking you up. You're going
Speaker 1: in and out. And I do want to hear because
Speaker 1: it's it's about the male population, and I do want
Speaker 1: to hear your comments. See if you can call back
Speaker 1: in a better a better zone here.
Speaker 2: Uh So, So.
Speaker 1: If women are able to support themselves and they feel
Speaker 1: like the twenty five forty five range is going to
Speaker 1: be their highest career potential earnings and they're going to
Speaker 1: they're getting out of college and they.
Speaker 2: Just want to go for work.
Speaker 1: What does that do to society in terms of I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean, I know that we have eight billion people
Speaker 1: on the planet, and I know Elon Musk this is
Speaker 1: a big thing he worries.
Speaker 2: About all the time.
Speaker 1: Is is population control and how people how we're going
Speaker 1: to be You know, there's not going to be any
Speaker 1: humans left on the planet if we don't continue to procreate.
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on this.
Speaker 3: Well, I think that I, as you were talking, Donna,
Speaker 3: the reason why I at least a contributing factor for
Speaker 3: why I think women are going to be single is
Speaker 3: man keeping.
Speaker 4: You remember me bringing this up.
Speaker 2: To you, Yes, I do.
Speaker 3: Man Keeping describes the emotional and social labor that women
Speaker 3: often perform in heterosexual relationships, acting as therapists, social directors,
Speaker 3: and life coaches for their male partners, stemming from a
Speaker 3: male friendship recession where men lack deep male bonds. So
Speaker 3: I think that women are just they're tired of having
Speaker 3: to compensate for the lack of social, emotional, and relational
Speaker 3: skills that men have. It's the result though, of I
Speaker 3: think generations of us not cultivating those skills in men, right,
Speaker 3: and so we're just having to now pay the piper
Speaker 3: on that, right, And so it's what do I think
Speaker 3: it's going to do to society. I think that it's
Speaker 3: going to create more of a more of an egalitarian
Speaker 3: or an equal footing, you know, even more so than
Speaker 3: than I think it's can possibly be a good thing.
Speaker 3: What do you think, Donna?
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I'm not exactly sure how to feel
Speaker 1: about this stat because, well, first of all, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm fifty six and I was married, happily married. We've
Speaker 1: talked about that, but I chose not to have kids,
Speaker 1: and that's very I mean, I have four sisters and
Speaker 1: they all have they all have kids, and they all
Speaker 1: have grandkids, and so my choice is very different from
Speaker 1: what society taught all of us. Right, and I was
Speaker 1: in a happy marriage. I could have absolutely had a
Speaker 1: child at any time. So the fact that women are
Speaker 1: moving towards not wanting to have children and not wanting
Speaker 1: to get married is going to be the flip.
Speaker 2: So I will be.
Speaker 1: I'm now the minority, and I will be the majority
Speaker 1: by twenty thirty.
Speaker 3: That seems I see either your question. Now, yeah, that's
Speaker 3: concerning then well procreation and and keeping the planet going
Speaker 3: for sure, But also I think I was coming at
Speaker 3: it from more of a feminist perspective, more of like
Speaker 3: a this is good that women are continuing to differentiate,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 1: And I get that, and I do agree that. Listen, nobody, uh,
Speaker 1: And there is such a thing as man keeping.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: You're you're their therapist, you're their best friend, you're their
Speaker 1: their spouse, you're there sometimes mom, you're their financial abors.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's there's everything because guys don't have friends
Speaker 1: like women do most men, so the woman becomes everything
Speaker 1: to this one guy, and it's exhausting and it's like,
Speaker 1: and I'm not to be honest, My husband was like
Speaker 1: that too, and I used to invite him everywhere I went,
Speaker 1: including with all my girlfriends, and I'm like, why is
Speaker 1: my husband the only one here? I mean, like why
Speaker 1: why would he want to go either? Because I was
Speaker 1: his social outlet and he didn't have you know, he
Speaker 1: didn't keep up with a bunch of his friends because
Speaker 1: when he had me, he just kind of left everybody behind.
Speaker 1: And I used to say, why aren't you Why don't
Speaker 1: you have You used to have all these friends, Why
Speaker 1: are where are they?
Speaker 2: What happened?
Speaker 1: You got to continue your friendships you can't just get
Speaker 1: married and then leave all your friends behind you.
Speaker 3: That's what I did. That's exactly what I did. And
Speaker 3: then why do you guys do that? And my fifteen
Speaker 3: year marriage ended, and now I'm like, I gotta go
Speaker 3: find friends. Yeah, I can't just work all the time.
Speaker 3: That's not healthy, no.
Speaker 1: Right, And so so that is so interesting and I'm
Speaker 1: just looking at that for the first time. I mean,
Speaker 1: like remembering how hard that was as a as a woman,
Speaker 1: and being his social social network too.
Speaker 3: I think if you called up my ex wife, she'd
Speaker 3: probably say she was she felt like she was man
Speaker 3: keeping me.
Speaker 4: She probably felt like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, and would you agree with her?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I would.
Speaker 3: I would, yeah, because I was raised up in that.
Speaker 3: I was raised up with a dominant mother. My dad
Speaker 3: was outside the home, he was the you know, he
Speaker 3: was working two jobs to keep things going for us.
Speaker 3: You know, my mom was working inside the home and
Speaker 3: outside the home. But my mom was my primary parent
Speaker 3: growing up. And so I think that may have something
Speaker 3: to do with it too. Who was the primary parent
Speaker 3: growing up? For people, for men in particular, and they
Speaker 3: kind and.
Speaker 1: Who you relate to more, and and and and and
Speaker 1: the roles that you take on. If you were a mom,
Speaker 1: if you were closer to your mom, you might get
Speaker 1: a little bit more of the feminine energy and then
Speaker 1: carry that into your adult life. And if you were
Speaker 1: the dad, you might have the sports, the rugged, the
Speaker 1: don't cry, don't emotion kind of a thing, and keep
Speaker 1: all your friends and do you know all that stuff.
Speaker 2: When you give all your power away.
Speaker 1: It's it's there's a danger of one relationship carrying too
Speaker 1: much emotional weight. Yes, And when you put all your
Speaker 1: eggs in one basket, yep, and which I did. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean when you do that, there is a sense
Speaker 1: of scared, scarcity, safety, all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 2: Can you speak on.
Speaker 4: That, sure?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean when you put all your eggs in
Speaker 3: one basket, then it increases the fear I think response,
Speaker 3: the anxiety response. The weight is heavy on this person
Speaker 3: because now they have to be the emotional and social laborer.
Speaker 3: That's really what I think that I that I found
Speaker 3: most interesting about mankeeping. So they have to take care
Speaker 3: of your emotions, they have to take care of your
Speaker 3: social caw much pressure.
Speaker 4: It's too much pressure.
Speaker 2: It's too much pressure, it's too much weight.
Speaker 3: And then they become what I hear in my practice
Speaker 3: a lot. I have a lot of women that can
Speaker 3: in and say I feel like I have a third child.
Speaker 3: Oh my husband is my third child or my fourth child.
Speaker 1: Definitely not what you want to have. Let's get to Michael,
Speaker 1: because Michael is back. Michael, we can hear you. Hopefully
Speaker 1: you want to talk about how many? What about the
Speaker 1: man thing that we're talking about?
Speaker 7: Yeah, I just I heard a little bit because it
Speaker 7: was cutting in and out. Yeah, So basically you're saying
Speaker 7: that the man, he's a woman mostly financially security wise.
Speaker 6: No, so women's second fourth child.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you kind of getting bits and pieces here.
Speaker 1: So what we're saying is that women in twenty thirty
Speaker 1: are going to be more focused on their career than
Speaker 1: getting married with children between the ages of twenty five
Speaker 1: to forty four or forty five. That's the discussion and
Speaker 1: why is that happening? And doctor West suggested that there
Speaker 1: is something called man keeping where you're basically everything to
Speaker 1: the man. You're his wife, you're his social network, you're
Speaker 1: his therapist, you're his everything, and there is such a
Speaker 1: thing as that.
Speaker 2: Do you agree, Michael.
Speaker 7: Cowboys been the opposite?
Speaker 6: Okay, the woman to keep her.
Speaker 7: I guess.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you pay you, you take care of your
Speaker 1: woman financially, and do you support her socially?
Speaker 2: Do you have all the friends and things like that?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 2: I did, and what happened.
Speaker 7: Well I had a letter just because of the same
Speaker 7: reason why you're saying it.
Speaker 1: Was it exhausting for you to be everything to one person?
Speaker 7: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what we're talking about. So is it so
Speaker 1: in your relationship were you married? Was it your wife?
Speaker 7: She was my fiance?
Speaker 6: Okay, my first wife was exhausting also, okay.
Speaker 2: So is this a pattern for him? Doctor West?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Absolutely? Yeah, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Why do you feel the need, Michael to take care
Speaker 1: of these women and then you end up getting so
Speaker 1: exhausted about it?
Speaker 7: Well, I haven't done that for a year.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 7: Are you to take care of myself?
Speaker 4: Good? Good?
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 4: How are you doing that?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 7: Just working out, going to work, good, hanging up with
Speaker 7: my family, my two wonderful dollars, my great grandchild, not
Speaker 7: great grandchild, but grandchild, right right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Well, Michael, thank you for the call, and I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: So you're happy being single? Because that's the question we're
Speaker 1: going to ask everybody right now. Are you happy being single?
Speaker 1: Or do you want to meet somebody in twenty twenty
Speaker 1: six and have the greatest love affair.
Speaker 7: That would take a miracle.
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty six might bring it. Michael, thank you for
Speaker 1: calling back. We appreciate the call. Happy New Year. So
Speaker 1: do you care about being single? Are you happy being single?
Speaker 1: Is it something that you prefer to be single then
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship right now? Currently, we're talking
Speaker 1: about ending relationships in twenty twenty five because those that
Speaker 1: were not serving us, those that were fear based, those
Speaker 1: were attachment based. Twenty twenty six is the year the
Speaker 1: horse that's bringing in all new energy and all new
Speaker 1: love based relationships.
Speaker 2: Give us a call.
Speaker 1: Five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight hundred,
Speaker 1: the Big One. We have one more segment left. It's
Speaker 1: Donna d and Doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. There
Speaker 1: was somebody that won a million dollars in Ohio. I
Speaker 1: do have my power Ball tickets, so I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to check on that. But he's right. So if you're
Speaker 1: asking why is this happening to me, you're in the
Speaker 1: victim role. If you're asking what can I learn from it?
Speaker 1: You become powerful.
Speaker 2: And that's a really big deal.
Speaker 1: And Wes, we were talking earlier about aligning right your
Speaker 1: personality with your soul because even when you're negative, and
Speaker 1: he said the mind is negative, and I agree with him.
Speaker 2: The mind is very useful tool.
Speaker 1: We just overuse it and because we overuse it, it
Speaker 1: gets negative. And you had a term for it and protecting.
Speaker 1: We're used to protecting ourselves and things like that. But
Speaker 1: when you ask yourself before you comment on any body
Speaker 1: or you or you make reply to somebody, and you
Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I aligned with what I really want
Speaker 1: to say?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 3: And intentionality right would be the word I would put.
Speaker 2: On that right.
Speaker 1: So if you if you say, you know, I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm aligned with all the good things about myself
Speaker 1: and how I want to respond, you just feel better
Speaker 1: about everything. And it's almost as if you don't really
Speaker 1: care what the other people other person says or does
Speaker 1: because you can handle it. It's a there's a there's
Speaker 1: a level of trust that comes with yourself when you
Speaker 1: don't react to what other people are doing, you respond.
Speaker 2: Let's get to Wayne on a Dayton. Hi, Wayne, how
Speaker 2: are you? You're on with Dunnade and doctor Wes. How's
Speaker 2: it going tonight?
Speaker 5: Hey, pretty good? Pretty good? Two things on that. I
Speaker 5: think most of us are going to go through life
Speaker 5: better if you have a partner married, therefore, that you
Speaker 5: can count on because things change, people get sick, to
Speaker 5: go to the hospital for maybe six months or a year,
Speaker 5: they have another problem, or one of them gets fired.
Speaker 5: And even if it's the woman that's making the big money,
Speaker 5: the man should still structure himself up so he can
Speaker 5: by education and by preparation for a job if he
Speaker 5: has to take over. Yes, because you get enough surprises
Speaker 5: in life. Things happen no matter how darn good and
Speaker 5: how much money you make, you get surprises you got.
Speaker 5: And besides being organized and good, you've got to have
Speaker 5: a certain amount of luck. Kind of like a basketball player.
Speaker 5: He's okay as long as he doesn't fall down on
Speaker 5: the floor and break his leg for the next year
Speaker 5: or for the rest of his life. You need that
Speaker 5: support element from two people. And even if one is
Speaker 5: making a lot more money the husband, let's say it's
Speaker 5: the wife making a lot more money, the husband has
Speaker 5: to be ready to take over if something should happen
Speaker 5: to the life, either by education or doing something on
Speaker 5: the side that he can do it from home to
Speaker 5: take care of while he's taking care of the children.
Speaker 1: I love that because Brene Brown always says, nobody's going
Speaker 1: to be if you're in a relationship, nobody's going to
Speaker 1: be one hundred percent all the time. It's not one
Speaker 1: hundred percent and one hundred percent. If you say, listen,
Speaker 1: I only have twenty percent today, can you pick up
Speaker 1: the pace because I need your eighty percent?
Speaker 2: And he's like, well, I only have forty percent.
Speaker 1: Well, let's try and figure out how we can we
Speaker 1: can make today.
Speaker 2: Work with a sixty percent share.
Speaker 1: It's never going to be one hundred percent on one
Speaker 1: side one hundred percent on the other. You're going to
Speaker 1: have to have somebody pick up the slack. And if
Speaker 1: you know that your partner has your back, that's everything,
Speaker 1: isn't it, Wayne?
Speaker 5: Yeah, And nothing's guaranteed. Things happen to people in life,
Speaker 5: whether it's a personality conflict with a big, well paying
Speaker 5: job that she's got, or get sick or has to
Speaker 5: do something else, or god forbid, the husband can't take
Speaker 5: care of the kids because he's sick, So got to
Speaker 5: be prepared, so both of them have to continue to
Speaker 5: develop themselves if they're going to stay married.
Speaker 3: So tell me if you're comfortable a little bit about
Speaker 3: your relationship, how long you've been in your relationship, and
Speaker 3: how you've kept it going.
Speaker 5: A long time, by thinking of that person, by sometimes
Speaker 5: pausing and not responding immediately, about putting some thought into
Speaker 5: it when she's having difficulty and we've been married a
Speaker 5: long time, and when she's having difficulty and says something
Speaker 5: that upsets you, you don't have to respond right away.
Speaker 5: Write some thought into it before you say something that
Speaker 5: you're going to make it worse or that you're going
Speaker 5: to be sorry for it.
Speaker 1: Man, if that isn't the best advice right there, I mean,
Speaker 1: give give somebody grace if they're having a bad day
Speaker 1: and then get you know, look at them in the
Speaker 1: most positive light when when you know that that's not
Speaker 1: who they are. They're just they just lashed out. And
Speaker 1: you don't want to have to be, you know, somebody
Speaker 1: that lashes back. You want to be the one that says,
Speaker 1: it's okay, you're all right, I got you, it's all good,
Speaker 1: don't worry about it.
Speaker 5: And it's like both of them have jobs to do. Yes,
Speaker 5: it can be a primary but the other the backup
Speaker 5: person has to be developing himself too, and but extremely
Speaker 5: important to have respect for each other and be thoughtful
Speaker 5: of each other and realize what striving the other person.
Speaker 5: That kind of thing.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 1: Thoughtful is something that I know that women really appreciate.
Speaker 2: You're thoughtful.
Speaker 1: You even just you know, picking flowers or filling her
Speaker 1: gas saying or opening her card door. I'm telling you,
Speaker 1: women really do care about that stuff. And if you're thoughtful,
Speaker 1: it goes a long long way. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: Wayne for the call.
Speaker 2: I agree with you. Have a wonderful new year.
Speaker 5: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 1: So, if if you can see the long lasting relationships,
Speaker 1: these men are very caring, they're very thoughtful there. They
Speaker 1: love their wives, They give each other grace, They communicate well,
Speaker 1: they don't rush to for you know, if she lashes out,
Speaker 1: he gives her time and they'll figure it out. These
Speaker 1: are the things that work for long standing relationships.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a lot of emotional intelligence, right, And the
Speaker 3: guys that have called in tonight, that's what I love
Speaker 3: about it is they're they're bringing forth a whole lot
Speaker 3: of emotional intelligence and that's what's making those relationships work too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean EI is the new AI. I mean
Speaker 1: maybe maybe not. I'll just make that up. But emotional
Speaker 1: intelligence is really important, yes, And emotional intelligence is really
Speaker 1: can you describe it?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's basically it's for me, the way
Speaker 3: I would describe it to my clients would be, it
Speaker 3: is the ability for you to be in the present
Speaker 3: moment and be aware of what you're emotionally feeling, what
Speaker 3: someone else is feeling, and being able to show up
Speaker 3: and kind of measure the present moment and take the
Speaker 3: emotional temperature in the room. Yeah, and be able to affect,
Speaker 3: you know, be effective.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: So when we were talking about young men earlier, yeah,
Speaker 1: and and and we've had some older gentlemen call about being,
Speaker 1: you know, married for forty or four years, and and
Speaker 1: and thus, do you think that the younger generation of
Speaker 1: men have the emotional intelligence that these older men have.
Speaker 4: I don't think so. Not, not currently.
Speaker 5: Not.
Speaker 4: I don't think that there's.
Speaker 1: Because if all you're seeing is them exhibiting anger, that's
Speaker 1: not emotional intelligence.
Speaker 4: No.
Speaker 2: No, So how do you how do we you know?
Speaker 1: That seems like a really giant question to ask you,
Speaker 1: but you know, what are you doing If somebody comes
Speaker 1: into your office, a young man that says, I'm just
Speaker 1: angry and that's all I got, how do you handle that?
Speaker 4: I print off an emotion wheel.
Speaker 1: Okay, you have seen your emotional wheel. Yeah, it's great. No,
Speaker 1: I think it's great.
Speaker 3: And it's the And I put an emotion wheel in
Speaker 3: front of them. I send it to them. I say,
Speaker 3: I need you to name your emotion before you do
Speaker 3: anything else, kind of like what Wayne said. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 3: he paused, don't just give yourself a minute. I want
Speaker 3: people to name their emotion that they're feeling. Because if
Speaker 3: you can name it, you can tame it. You can say, Okay,
Speaker 3: this makes sense that I'm feeling this way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Because sadness can turn to anger real quick, very quickly.
Speaker 1: And if you and if and if and if you're
Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to feel sad, or to feel hurt
Speaker 1: or or even depressed a little bit in the only
Speaker 1: emotion that you're allowing yourself to feel is anger. Right,
Speaker 1: that's anger is is there's a reason you get angry,
Speaker 1: but you're not supposed to live in an angry state.
Speaker 1: It's so it's there for a purpose to maybe get
Speaker 1: you off your feet and do something like if you
Speaker 1: you know, if you want, if you see a child
Speaker 1: being abused or an animal being you get up and
Speaker 1: you no way, you know, That's what anger can do,
Speaker 1: is to lift you up and get you marching. But
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to live there. That's a terrible state
Speaker 1: to live. Anger is very very hard to live. And
Speaker 1: you see that this is what's happening with the young men.
Speaker 3: Well they're just not there's for whatever reason, they're not
Speaker 3: able to articulate their emotions. And I think it goes
Speaker 3: back to that social programming you know of of don't
Speaker 3: don't feel don't, don't be vulnerable, uh be you know
Speaker 3: for whatever I don't. We could probably spend all night
Speaker 3: talking about it. Yeah, come up with all kinds of
Speaker 3: reasons why. But I do think that I also think
Speaker 3: that we live in such a society, the social media generation.
Speaker 3: We've got the you know, the attention span of I
Speaker 3: don't know's it's not very long.
Speaker 1: No, it's scrolling it gosh if even for me, if
Speaker 1: something takes too.
Speaker 2: Long, Hey it's me, I'm and I'm like no.
Speaker 3: So they're not taking the time to really ask themselves
Speaker 3: what am I feeling right now?
Speaker 2: Plus it's a constant level of what is it not?
Speaker 1: Is it cortisol or huh, it's Dopamine's of constantly just
Speaker 1: if you don't like it, switch switch switch switch dopamine
Speaker 1: hit where it's where where they're being fed all of this,
Speaker 1: And it's just that nobody's bored, and boredom is a
Speaker 1: place where where creativity is, where patience comes from.
Speaker 2: We have to be bored.
Speaker 1: We have to you know, we have to find a
Speaker 1: place where we just sit and do nothing and not
Speaker 1: scroll and not this or that, or walk in nature side.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it can be nature. Walking in nature can feel.
Speaker 1: Boring because scrolling is so interesting and you see people
Speaker 1: eating giant bowls of food and it's like wow, what
Speaker 1: is this person doing and what is that person doing?
Speaker 1: And there's all kinds of stunts. Yeah, and you know,
Speaker 1: all kinds of stuff. We can we can talk about
Speaker 1: this all night long, I will say. In terms of
Speaker 1: going into twenty twenty six, and I am hopeful for
Speaker 1: this year because like I said, we've put up with
Speaker 1: that people in all kinds of charts and astrology and
Speaker 1: everything else, and it's not like I, you know, live
Speaker 1: and die by that by any means, it's this is
Speaker 1: not But I've read how how hard twenty twenty five
Speaker 1: was on all of us, and I've felt it myself,
Speaker 1: and I do think twenty twenty six is going to
Speaker 1: be a year of transformation. And I can feel like
Speaker 1: the energy of a lot of people doing the work
Speaker 1: right and they're not victims anymore. They're actually taking control
Speaker 1: of their life and there and they're understanding that it's
Speaker 1: not them, it's me, And that's a really good thing
Speaker 1: if you look at it that way. What do you
Speaker 1: think the number one thing is, doctor West, that we
Speaker 1: should focus on to make ourselves happy in twenty twenty six.
Speaker 1: If you had to choose one or two things, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know what mine is, and it's going to be
Speaker 1: self exploration. It's to be focusing on how you can
Speaker 1: handle all of your take responsibility for all of your emotions,
Speaker 1: because it's really nobody else's. It's all how you handle
Speaker 1: and respond to things.
Speaker 3: I would take a technology break every day, Yeah, not
Speaker 3: in a fifteen minute break.
Speaker 1: Yeah, put the phone down, get away from the computer,
Speaker 1: and go walk outside.
Speaker 3: Ten to fifteen minutes and just observe your emotions and
Speaker 3: your thoughts without judgment. That's what I would do. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and be intentional about that. I think social media is
Speaker 3: really having a lot of negative, really negative impact on
Speaker 3: our emotional and social wellbeing.
Speaker 1: So take breaks from just being on your phone and
Speaker 1: on your computer, but also big time breaks from social
Speaker 1: media and doom scrolling, correct, because that is important. I
Speaker 1: think that's really good advice in order for you to
Speaker 1: be happy. Huh, get rid of some of the social media. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I think that is really good. Well, I am looking
Speaker 1: forward to it. It's been a really fun year starting
Speaker 1: these relationship radio shows with you. You've been my partner
Speaker 1: in crime since oh gosh, We've been doing it for
Speaker 1: at least two or three months now, and I've learned
Speaker 1: a lot, and I hope everybody's learned from this.
Speaker 2: We are going to be back in January.
Speaker 1: It's going to be the end of January January because
Speaker 1: we have some sports and stuff, but we'll be back
Speaker 1: in February January and then February March.
Speaker 2: We'll have quite a.
Speaker 1: Few shows because we want to keep this going. The
Speaker 1: idea is to help support people and to support ourselves
Speaker 1: and create a community of people that are engaged and
Speaker 1: want to connect and find happiness within themselves and with
Speaker 1: their partners. So that's our main goal. And I'm really
Speaker 1: happy here a partner with me. Same here, happy twenty
Speaker 1: twenty six and we're not even there.
Speaker 2: Sterling.
Speaker 1: I wanted to get on the here today to go
Speaker 1: for what is new Year's resolution is?
Speaker 2: But I already know, and it's to be a better person.
Speaker 1: He makes the same resolution every single year, is to
Speaker 1: be a better person. And really, what else is there
Speaker 1: is to be a better person. It's the longest journey
Speaker 1: you will ever take in this life, is from your
Speaker 1: head to your heart. And if you can manage to
Speaker 1: be more loving as you get older, because it's not
Speaker 1: that easy, you're going in the right direction. Yeah right, yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: all right, Well, thank you so much. All the calls
Speaker 1: were great tonight. We will be back end of January.
Speaker 1: I'll be on the weekends with Sterling on Saturdays and
Speaker 1: possibly on Sundays.
Speaker 2: Go Bengals big game tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's always gonna be nice if we get
Speaker 1: a win, anytime we get it. So Bengals and Arizona
Speaker 1: one pm and pay Corp seventy degrees out. There's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with that. At the end of December. There's really
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that. Thank you Russ Jackson for producing
Speaker 1: the show. Thank you everybody for all the calls coming in,
Speaker 1: and we will see you next year. Dona Dean, doctor
Speaker 1: Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,