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Speaker 1: Long, there's a sense of outsourcing your security and outsourcing

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Speaker 1: your safety. And I have a twin sister, and I

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Speaker 1: found myself even doing that with her and my ex husband.

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Speaker 2: And when you see that.

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Speaker 1: This outsourcing of safety that you're given, you really don't

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Speaker 1: you miss a part of yourself that is that strong,

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Speaker 1: stable grounded person when you outsource your safety. Can you

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Speaker 1: talk about that a little bit.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, outsourcing your safety. So secure base is the word

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Speaker 3: that I use. The phrase I use so your secure

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Speaker 3: base needs to be yourself. You should be your secure base.

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Speaker 3: And what happens is that we when we fall in love,

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Speaker 3: when we develop an attachment with someone else, we transfer

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Speaker 3: that secure base to them to where they become our

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Speaker 3: secure base. In a healthy relationship, that can be okay. However,

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Speaker 3: when a relationship starts becoming infused with the four horsemen

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Speaker 3: of the apocalypse, like we've talked about, criticism.

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Speaker 1: Defensiveness, contempt yep, and stonewalling, stone walling yep.

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Speaker 3: Okay, over the years, you can start that that can

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Speaker 3: become an insecure base for you. And then you're you

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Speaker 3: have a problem because not only are you not your

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Speaker 3: secure base, your secure base that you established with your partner.

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Speaker 3: That's no longer your secure base either. So you find

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Speaker 3: yourself lost, You find yourself seeking an identity, seeking to

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Speaker 3: be numbed. That's where a lot of addictions can come from.

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Speaker 3: A lot of people can numb themselves out with a

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Speaker 3: number of things.

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Speaker 1: But don't use like So, when I started seeing that

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Speaker 1: I was doing that, Yeah, there's a level of freedom,

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Speaker 1: There's a level of gratitude. There's a level of for

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Speaker 1: me taking respons fonsibility because.

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Speaker 2: I didn't know I was doing this.

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Speaker 1: And when I started understanding that, hey this, I don't

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Speaker 1: feel good. I mean, I don't feel good, and I

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Speaker 1: need to really look at my role in this. Forget

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Speaker 1: about who I'm speaking about, right, forget about the X,

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Speaker 1: and forget about all that. I need to figure out

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Speaker 1: why I am feeling this way, because nobody can make

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Speaker 1: me feel a certain way if I don't want to.

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Speaker 1: That's true, And so the power comes back to me

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Speaker 1: because I can do anything I want with that I

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Speaker 1: can I can learn what I need to do on

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Speaker 1: how to fix it. I can figure out how I

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Speaker 1: can be better, how I can get stronger and do

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Speaker 1: the work. And then I feel like, all right, I'm good.

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Speaker 1: I got it and twenty twenty five with relationships. And

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Speaker 1: it's not just partnerships or you know, relationships that are intimate.

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Speaker 1: It is friendships. It is jobs that were shedding in

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty five that are no longer serving us. It

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Speaker 1: is a plethora of getting through the twenty twenty five

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Speaker 1: year that we're never going to have to go through again.

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Speaker 1: Of the year, the snake and shedding this stuff. So

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Speaker 1: what did you have to shed? And I think you're

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Speaker 1: gonna tell me the marriage. The shedding of the marriage

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Speaker 1: and letting go of that in twenty twenty.

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Speaker 3: Five absolutely the toughest thing I've been through. I've heard

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Speaker 3: people say that it's it's worse than grieving a death,

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Speaker 3: because when you grieve a death, there is an element

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Speaker 3: of closure, whereas in a marriage. When you're grieving a marriage,

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Speaker 3: the partner, especially if you have kids, which I do

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Speaker 3: share a daughter with my ex wife, their closure is

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Speaker 3: difficult to come by. It's very difficult to come by

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Speaker 3: because you still have to interact with them. So, yeah,

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Speaker 3: it was I fought it for a long time. I

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Speaker 3: met my ex wife before I became a therapist, which

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Speaker 3: is interesting, So I became a marriage and family therapist

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Speaker 3: after I entered my marriage, so I started learning a

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Speaker 3: lot of things that weren't going so well based on

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Speaker 3: what I was learning in school.

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Speaker 4: I tried to correct it.

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Speaker 1: That's interesting because as you move towards being a therapist

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Speaker 1: and helping other couples, you're seeing this, Hey, this isn't

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Speaker 1: going so great on my end.

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Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, yeah, and so but you know, it was

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Speaker 3: a situation where I, you know, you can't really be

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Speaker 3: you can't be your own therapist. I couldn't be my

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Speaker 3: own therapist. I couldn't be my ex wife's therapist. So

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Speaker 3: we had to go to you know, we had to

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Speaker 3: I wanted to, yeah, to go to therapy, and.

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Speaker 4: She didn't really like it. My ex wife didn't really

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Speaker 4: like that.

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Speaker 1: So it's it takes too It takes to to fix

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Speaker 1: it takes to to break.

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Speaker 2: It takes you to fix it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but I mean, I'm you know, but I have

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Speaker 3: you know, as I've told you before, she gets flowers

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Speaker 3: on Mother's Day. I got her a nice Christmas gift.

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Speaker 3: I mean, she's the mother of my child and I

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Speaker 3: respect her and I will always love her and care

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Speaker 3: for her. And it's was really difficult to let her

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Speaker 3: go it really was.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.

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Speaker 1: I mean it's not easy to let anybody go, and

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Speaker 1: even if it's no longer working, right, you still want

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Speaker 1: to hang on.

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Speaker 2: What is that?

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Speaker 1: What is it about us that you know because you

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Speaker 1: get signs got You just said you were seeing signs

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Speaker 1: all over the place. You wanted to go to therapy

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Speaker 1: with her. It wasn't working. You were not getting along.

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Speaker 1: You were arguing a lot. Instead, when you're arguing more

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Speaker 1: than you are getting along, that's a problem. So what

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Speaker 1: is it about all of us that makes us cling

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Speaker 1: to something that is not working for us anymore?

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Speaker 3: I believe it's the familiarity we've become familiar with the

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Speaker 3: people that are around us, the people that we're in

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Speaker 3: relationships with, the scripts, the relationship scripts. Think about it.

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Speaker 3: I mean, we have our routines. Every day we wake up,

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Speaker 3: we do it the same thing, and we usually interact

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Speaker 3: with the same people. It's good, Donna. I respect you.

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Speaker 3: You are awesome about finding new people in interact with Hi.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 3: On the other hand, I am a social recluse, so yes,

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Speaker 3: so for me.

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Speaker 2: But you're a book worm.

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Speaker 1: In your books, you're reading, you're trying to better yourself

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Speaker 1: all the time.

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Speaker 3: So for me, it was like I would stay in

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Speaker 3: an unhealthy relationship even though I knew I needed to

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Speaker 3: take the courage to get out of it.

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Speaker 1: You think most men are because more women leave, This

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Speaker 1: is a fact. We both talked about this, and more

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Speaker 1: women leave or solicit the divorce than men do. Men

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Speaker 1: can stay unhappy for years and years, where women are like,

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Speaker 1: you're not paying attention to me, why are you even

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Speaker 1: with me?

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Speaker 2: Why do you care?

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Speaker 5: What?

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Speaker 1: But why are we together if you don't even want

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Speaker 1: to work on this or don't want to you know,

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Speaker 1: come in and hug me and kiss me and give

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Speaker 1: me attention and adore me, which is what women really

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Speaker 1: want out of a relationship.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I think from men are fixers. We

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Speaker 3: want to fix it, So we come about it from

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Speaker 3: a cognitive like it's a project we got to fix.

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Speaker 3: And women usually are wanting more of that emotional connection, right,

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Speaker 3: that emotional and so I think we just miss each other.

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Speaker 3: I remember my ex wife talking about how she wanted affection,

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Speaker 3: whereas for me, I was like, well, we need to

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Speaker 3: fix some things before we can get to that point

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Speaker 3: of affection. Yeah, so we just missed each other. We're

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Speaker 3: coming at it from different angles and talk therapy. Couple's

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Speaker 3: therapy can help because the therapist can help you to

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Speaker 3: translate the language you're each speaking. But in our case,

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Speaker 3: it just that that toxic pattern went on too long.

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Speaker 3: It just went on too long.

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Speaker 1: Let's let's open the phones up. What was twenty twenty

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Speaker 1: five like for you? Was it a tough year?

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Speaker 2: Is there?

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Speaker 1: Is there something that you have shed in twenty twenty five,

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Speaker 1: because let me just tell you, it's not just about

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Speaker 1: oh man, this was a tough year. Twenty twenty six

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Speaker 1: is gonna be an amazing year. Twenty twenty six is

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Speaker 1: the year of the horse. These are the relationships that

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Speaker 1: are going to be working. These are the friendships that

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Speaker 1: that are are if they're going good, they're going to

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Speaker 1: go great in twenty six twenty six. That your jobs

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Speaker 1: are going to be more productive and more interesting and

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Speaker 1: you'll be more valued in your jobs. That's what the

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Speaker 1: Year of the horses, the year of the snake is.

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Speaker 1: The tough is the is the tough year of twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty five? I know I see the phone calls running,

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Speaker 1: but what what is it?

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Speaker 2: I mean?

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Speaker 1: Because we talked about women, are the ones that solicit

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Speaker 1: leaving a relationship because they're not happy men. And I've

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Speaker 1: seen this with some friends that they knew. Some guy

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Speaker 1: friends of mine knew that they should never have even

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Speaker 1: started a relationship with this person, never even started it,

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Speaker 1: and two years later they've wasted two years of their

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Speaker 1: life and they're super upset. Why is it that men

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Speaker 1: will take so much? I don't know what you would

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Speaker 1: call it? Not abuse, because it's not abuse. Hang on,

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Speaker 1: let's look at WK and Dayton wants to give the

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Speaker 1: perspective of someone who's had a sexual successful relationship, and

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Speaker 1: I would love to hear that.

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Speaker 2: WK.

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Speaker 1: Are you on the line, Okay, awesome, Yes, I'm just

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Speaker 1: asking doctor Wes.

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Speaker 2: Why is it.

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Speaker 1: That that men don't leave a relationship. It takes the

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Speaker 1: woman oftentimes to get out of a relationship that they

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Speaker 1: know is not working.

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Speaker 2: And maybe your perspective is very.

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Speaker 5: Different, right, Well, we started out we were very different.

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Speaker 5: My parents weren't for it, and we one was had

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Speaker 5: one family had considerably more money than the other. Not rich,

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Speaker 5: but wealthy are comfortable. But we since we were so different,

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Speaker 5: we took three years and to make sure we really

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Speaker 5: knew each other. And even while we were dating. We

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Speaker 5: used to start our dates by going to church, and

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Speaker 5: we did that quite often. That was a big part.

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Speaker 5: I'm no holy roller or anything, but I tried to

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Speaker 5: do the right thing ninety five ninety eight percent of

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Speaker 5: the time, and so did she, and we ever even

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Speaker 5: considered leaving each other, and we're very happy. She just

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Speaker 5: recently died about nine months ago. Toughest thing I've ever

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Speaker 5: gone through my life. But we flexed a lot, even

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Speaker 5: though we were differences both in family wealth on each side,

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Speaker 5: and we tried never to go to go to sleep

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Speaker 5: mad yep. And I'm very proud. I feel like we

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Speaker 5: both did about ninety five percent total effort, ninety five

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Speaker 5: percent of the time, and I'm very proud of it.

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Speaker 5: I felt like I did everything I could write as

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Speaker 5: far as I was able, and I know she did too,

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Speaker 5: and I'm very pleased with result.

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Speaker 2: But how long were you together? WKA, how long were

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Speaker 2: you together?

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Speaker 5: Fifty five years? Wo We dated for three years before

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Speaker 5: we got married. Then she just died in our fifty

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Speaker 5: fifth year of marriage. And it's been the toughest thing

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Speaker 5: I've gone through since she died. But I'm doing it,

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Speaker 5: staying active and communicative and reading positive books to do it.

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Speaker 2: That's what you had to do.

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Speaker 5: Well. That's a couple of things I also did was

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Speaker 5: motivational speakers. We went to see them a lot on attitude.

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Speaker 5: And though she didn't have much education, she took two

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Speaker 5: courses at the university. One was a business degree excuse me,

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Speaker 5: a business course and the other was an English course.

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Speaker 5: So though she wasn't totally educated, she worked out very

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Speaker 5: well at a large CPA for them up here. And

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Speaker 5: I taught school for about thirty years. But I think

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Speaker 5: I think dating for a longer period of time, so

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Speaker 5: making sure that you got the right person and time

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Speaker 5: time got in with it in some way without happen

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Speaker 5: to be a holy holy yeah.

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Speaker 1: So first of all, I'm so sorry that you were

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Speaker 1: going through this part of life and we all have

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Speaker 1: to go through it. That does not make it easy

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Speaker 1: at all. I'm so sorry to hear. But it sounds

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Speaker 1: like you've had her for an amazing amount of time

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Speaker 1: and that you guys were happy together, and that's that

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Speaker 1: that is meaningful.

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Speaker 5: We even had people ask uf you when ask her

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Speaker 5: sometimes at the office, how long you in fifty five years?

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Speaker 5: Just how would you stay with somebody for fifty five years,

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Speaker 5: why would you stay? Yeah, and just almost laughable statements

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Speaker 5: from other people.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't know, they don't know what they don't

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Speaker 1: know what you had. That's that's what we're talking That

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Speaker 1: is exactly what we're why we're talking about this subject.

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Speaker 1: And I also loved and we're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: this in a minute. We're going to take a break.

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Speaker 5: W K.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for calling in with that, with

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Speaker 1: that great comment.

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Speaker 2: I loved it.

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Speaker 1: And happy new year to you and hope all as

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Speaker 1: well coming up in your future.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: So what I loved is that he went out and

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Speaker 1: he sought out positive motivational speakers, because what you say

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Speaker 1: to yourself is so important. And we're going to talk

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Speaker 1: about that because twenty twenty six, as I feel and

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Speaker 1: I know and as we talk about, is going to

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Speaker 1: be an amazing year for all of us. I think

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Speaker 1: we're going to find relationships that we've never had before,

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Speaker 1: including with the loves of our life, which is ourselves,

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Speaker 1: the relationship that we have with ourselves.

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Speaker 2: So when we get back, we are going to talk

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Speaker 2: about that.

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Speaker 1: What did you think about his comment about starting the

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Speaker 1: dating at church.

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Speaker 2: I thought that was interesting.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's actually a very strong way to meet

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Speaker 3: church groups. Spirituality and faith is an important part a

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Speaker 3: good way that people can get direction. And I definitely

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Speaker 3: thought that was really great, really commendable.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it was interesting.

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Speaker 1: And and how that they never want, you know, everyone says,

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Speaker 1: don't ever go to bed mad.

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Speaker 2: Right, that's kind of a big deal.

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Speaker 1: I mean, if you have this love and this care

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Speaker 1: for each other, you don't want your partner to go

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Speaker 1: to bed mad. You don't want them to be upset. No, right,

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Speaker 1: And so so you know, having this I don't care,

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Speaker 1: we kind of attitude of go ahead, go be mad,

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Speaker 1: go do go, do your own thing kind of is

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Speaker 1: like turning your back. It's a sign of a stone walling, almost,

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Speaker 1: isn't it It is?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's turning away instead of turning towards each other, right,

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Speaker 3: which doctor Godman talks about. I love doctor Godman. You'll

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Speaker 3: hear me talk about him a lot, but turning away

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Speaker 3: from each other rather than turning towards And he talks

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Speaker 3: a lot about the five to one ratio, five positive

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Speaker 3: interactions to one negative interaction, and that's what you have

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Speaker 3: to have to maintain a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: All right, Well, when we come back, we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk more about twenty twenty six and what you can

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Speaker 1: do to make it.

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Speaker 2: The best possible year.

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Speaker 1: And have you shed anything in twenty twenty five, five, one, three, seven, four, nine,

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Speaker 1: seven thousand. Brady Hopkins is up next with the news,

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Speaker 1: so we'll be taking your calls.

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Speaker 3: Confidence. You have courage, You're willing to face the pain.

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Speaker 3: You're willing to lean into the pain. That's what a

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Speaker 3: lot of psychologists will talk about when people say how

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Speaker 3: do I get through this? You lean into the pain.

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Speaker 3: Your brain says, run away from it.

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Speaker 2: Yes.

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Speaker 3: Creativity, so you're flexible, you're adaptive, and you're connected. You

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Speaker 3: have a sense of connection to others' life and meaning.

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Speaker 3: So that comes out of it comes out of It's

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Speaker 3: called internal family systems. If you're wanting to research it more.

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Speaker 3: Self Leadership dot org is the website. But that's what

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Speaker 3: I work with my clients on, helping them to get

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Speaker 3: in touch with who they are so that they can

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Speaker 3: start to be self led.

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Speaker 1: Well, it's I love that courage is in there, because

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Speaker 1: without that, everything else falls apart. Because those moments when

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Speaker 1: you're scared and you feel alone and you don't have

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Speaker 1: don't think anybody likes you and you don't.

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Speaker 2: Nobody cares about you.

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Speaker 1: It's those are the shadows, the scary part where you're like,

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Speaker 1: oh god, I can't even think of this. I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying that you should just continue those thoughts. I don't

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Speaker 1: think you should continue the thoughts, but the feelings that

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Speaker 1: you get, that's where you need to go. And you

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Speaker 1: have to say I'm here, I got you, I'm your

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Speaker 1: I got your back. Yep, I'm not leaving you. I

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Speaker 1: am I am going.

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Speaker 2: To take care of you, so don't worry about it.

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Speaker 4: Yep.

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Speaker 2: That's having your back.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's.

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Speaker 3: Sue Johnson is as a relationship therapist who recently passed away,

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Speaker 3: but she's she found it an emotional focused therapy model,

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Speaker 3: and she says, real love is the quiet confidence that

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Speaker 3: when I reach for you, you will be there.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 3: And I reach for you, you will be there. So we

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Speaker 3: need to apply that to ourselves too.

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Speaker 1: Yes, because we are the greatest love of our lives.

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Speaker 2: We are.

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Speaker 1: So when you when I feel like I'm hurt or

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Speaker 1: I'm sad, instead of reaching for the phone to pick

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Speaker 1: up someone, and that's there's nothing wrong with that because

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Speaker 1: we all need our partners. But let's have me try

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Speaker 1: and do it first.

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Speaker 3: It's like on the airplane they tell you to put

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Speaker 3: your oxygen mask on first, Yes, before helping someone next

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Speaker 3: to you.

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Speaker 2: Yes, all right?

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Speaker 1: Five, one, three, seven, eight hundred, the big one. What

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Speaker 1: kind of a year was twenty twenty five for you?

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Speaker 1: Was it hard for you? I mean, Wes and I

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Speaker 1: have both shared that it's been a challenging year through

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Speaker 1: both breakups and heartbreak and things like that that we've

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Speaker 1: had to face and face within ourselves to get stronger

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Speaker 1: through that.

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Speaker 2: Stu, that's not easy, and it's.

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Speaker 4: Still going on.

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Speaker 2: It's a lifelove process.

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Speaker 4: It's a day.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's what we're talking.

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Speaker 4: Get it back to process.

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Speaker 2: Give us a call.

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Speaker 1: What did you shed in twenty twenty five or what

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Speaker 1: are you looking for in twenty twenty six? I went

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Speaker 1: out to lunch with a friend of mine and he said,

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Speaker 1: because we talked about this, and I said that the

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Speaker 1: actually the horse in twenty twenty six does not come

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Speaker 1: in until February, So February in twenty twenty six is

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Speaker 1: really where it starts getting good.

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Speaker 2: And I said, what did you shed?

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Speaker 1: And he said his job, And he said he didn't

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Speaker 1: feel appreciated. It was kind of chaotic there. You couldn't

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Speaker 1: figure out who was running things, and it drove him

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Speaker 1: absolutely nuts. And he's already taken the steps to speak

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Speaker 1: to a friend. He's in it, speak to a friend,

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Speaker 1: and they're both going to try and start their own

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Speaker 1: company in twenty twenty six. That's what's kind of happening.

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Speaker 1: After we get through one of the hardest years, it's

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Speaker 1: gonna be. And isn't that always the case, Like it's

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Speaker 1: darkest before it's dawn, Right, it's always harder or scarier,

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Speaker 1: and everything you've ever wanted is on the other side

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Speaker 1: of fear. So if you can make it, even if

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Speaker 1: you're scared, even if you're having a tough time, and

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I'm speaking from experience because I've been

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Speaker 1: through it, and it's if you keep going, if you

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Speaker 1: keep doing the work, if you keep showing up for yourself,

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Speaker 1: if you keep having your own back, it gets better.

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Speaker 1: It gets better. Let's go to Steve in Batavia. Let's

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Speaker 1: talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, you're on with donnadean doctor Wes. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: can you hear me, Yeah, we can hear you.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I've been sober living for the last like two years, okay,

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Speaker 6: and living in a house in Norwood. I don't want

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Speaker 6: to mention the name.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's okay, that's all right.

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Speaker 6: Sixty three and I was born a eighty and so

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Speaker 6: I met this woman, you know, and it's been kind

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Speaker 6: of cool, you know.

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Speaker 5: But it's like it seems like the.

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Speaker 6: Women these days they don't want it's like they're afraid

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Speaker 6: to get into any type of relationship if it has

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Speaker 6: to do with you know, money or whatever it is,

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Speaker 6: because I don't understand how they can. It's just I

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Speaker 6: don't know. It's very hard to date when you're sixty three.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean listen, especially if you've been out of

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Speaker 1: the game for a little bit sixty three, But that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're out of the game totally.

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Speaker 2: Steve Wes, do you have a question for Steve?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: So, so, Steve, you're talking to me a little bit

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Speaker 3: more about So this this person that you're interested in.

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Speaker 3: What did you notice that she was pulling away from

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Speaker 3: you when you are trying to pursue her.

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Speaker 4: Is that what you noticed?

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Speaker 6: Or now it seems like when you because I've been

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Speaker 6: in sober living, I've been sober three year and going

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Speaker 6: to A meetings and everything, and it seems you know,

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Speaker 6: you get you know, you get you get close to

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Speaker 6: these not these women. I don't have too many women,

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Speaker 6: just this particular women that and it's it's like they

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Speaker 6: are afraid that that you're going to be a failure

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Speaker 6: and they're going to go back into what they were into.

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Speaker 6: And I've been told that, Really, if you don't want

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Speaker 6: to date people that you see in recovery and AA

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Speaker 6: and stuff, yeah, it's just really it's a whole different story.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're ready to date someone see

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're good and you're good with

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Speaker 1: all your you know, being so and you feel like

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Speaker 1: you've got your life under control that you could be

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Speaker 1: with somebody.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, Because I'm on disability and I work part time

427
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Speaker 6: and I have money, I just I bought it. I

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Speaker 6: have a nice vehicle. I bought a minivan for the

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Speaker 6: sole purpose of taking people to AA meetings and meeting

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Speaker 6: people that you know have the same issues but are

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Speaker 6: trying to It just seems like I don't know that

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Speaker 6: women are just I don't know. It's a lot different

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Speaker 6: than it was back in the you know, I grew

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Speaker 6: up in the seventies and eighties, and it's just like

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Speaker 6: it's hard to crack that shell to find out what's

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Speaker 6: going on with them. I mean it doesn't and it

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Speaker 6: doesn't have to do with all sex and everything.

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Speaker 2: It's yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

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Speaker 5: Women.

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Speaker 6: Women have changed a lot there, Donna, in the last

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Speaker 6: twenty thirty years. It's a lot different.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm totally different from who I was when I

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Speaker 1: was twenty six.

444
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 2: I mean so yeah, it I think women, you know,

445
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 2: we've all we learn, we all learn hopefully.

446
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:25,600
Speaker 1: And Gary Zukov has said a writer that I love,

447
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,719
Speaker 1: he wrote a book called see This All. The longest

448
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,640
Speaker 1: journey we're ever going to take is from our head

449
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:34,119
Speaker 1: to our heart. Often times when you get older, there

450
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,040
Speaker 1: there's a there is a shell that you've been hurt

451
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,920
Speaker 1: before you don't want to try it again. But the

452
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: idea of that is painful. I mean, I will always

453
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: work to stay open hearted because and and be available

454
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 1: to somebody that I care and want to have a

455
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 1: relationship with. So maybe this woman has has, you know,

456
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 1: been been broken a little bit through her life and

457
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,439
Speaker 1: Wes you can probably speak on this better than me,

458
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 1: but she sounds she does sound a little guarded possibly.

459
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 3: Sure, Yeah, I mean people will bring into their relationships

460
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,640
Speaker 3: parts of them that are I call them managers or firefighters.

461
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,879
Speaker 3: So those are proactive managers are like these thoughts, I

462
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,879
Speaker 3: should do this, I shouldn't do that. I have to

463
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 3: be careful about this. I have to be careful about that.

464
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,920
Speaker 3: And then there are firefighters that when they start to

465
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 3: get the slightest clue that something is happening in the

466
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 3: present moment that happened to them in the past, then.

467
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:35,880
Speaker 4: They check out.

468
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 3: They'll, they'll they'll it's called a firefighter because it's like

469
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 3: they're lighting a fire of distraction, and so they will

470
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,000
Speaker 3: distract themselves. They will, they will check out, they may

471
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,960
Speaker 3: ghost you. You know, that's a phrase that we hear, right,

472
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 3: and so yeah, it's it's a lot of it is

473
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 3: just relationship trauma from the past that people have not

474
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,159
Speaker 3: healed and they're bringing it forward and projecting it onto you.

475
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,760
Speaker 3: And so yeah, that's that's really a tough place.

476
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:07,479
Speaker 1: And if she's not available to you, Steve, then you know,

477
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,879
Speaker 1: you just have to let her go on her own way. Uh,

478
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: you know, if she's if she is you know, not

479
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: open to you.

480
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,160
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, I would like to just sit down and

481
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 6: watch a Bengals game and just cuddle on the couch.

482
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 6: And sometimes that's cool. I mean, and then like you know,

483
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,640
Speaker 6: like you say, pass things that come up.

484
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, and life and it scares, Yeah, and it could

485
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:38,560
Speaker 3: it could scare.

486
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 1: It could trigger a whole bunch of stuff that comes

487
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 1: up for her, especially if she feels feelings for you.

488
00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 1: But you know, you got to take it day by

489
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 1: day and be gentle with yourself and with her.

490
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:51,680
Speaker 2: I think sure, so.

491
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,399
Speaker 3: Just asking her, Hey, I just noticed that that that

492
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 3: you kind of withdrew from me a little bit, or

493
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,560
Speaker 3: you got you softened, you got quiet you you know,

494
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,119
Speaker 3: your body language kind of showed me that you were withdrawing.

495
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 3: And I'm wondering what's happening for you right now? That's

496
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 3: a good question to ask, just what's happening for you?

497
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,640
Speaker 3: What's coming up for you right now?

498
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:16,920
Speaker 6: And I'm a musician like Donna, I play acousca guitar.

499
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,359
Speaker 6: I've been a league guitar player. I like to play

500
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 6: some Neil Young and like start playing guitar and stuff.

501
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,280
Speaker 6: It seems like that's been one thing that I've done

502
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:34,159
Speaker 6: in my life that girls like and women like play guitar,

503
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,520
Speaker 6: you know, start breaking out in some America or some.

504
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 1: You know Stevie Nicks and Neil Young is great to

505
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,880
Speaker 1: play absolutely, Tom Patty of.

506
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:49,479
Speaker 6: Course, yeah, I come from all that old rock and roll.

507
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,400
Speaker 2: Of course me too, Me too.

508
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,160
Speaker 1: See listen, I want to congratulate you on three years

509
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 1: of sobriety.

510
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,360
Speaker 2: That is fantastic. Good for you.

511
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 1: At the very minimum, you're working on yourself and it

512
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 1: sounds like you're being a support for your community and

513
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,640
Speaker 1: all things are going to go right for you from

514
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,240
Speaker 1: that point on.

515
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 6: Yeah, I bought a minivands I can take people to

516
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 6: AA out Street. I go out Street, I go to

517
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:18,640
Speaker 6: all the AA meeans and nor would Avandale, downtown everywhere.

518
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,600
Speaker 1: Good for you, buddy, I appreciate it. Have a great

519
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 1: twenty twenty six. It's going to be a good year

520
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 1: for all of us. And thanks for calling in. Yeah,

521
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: Happy New Year, Happy New Year. You know it was

522
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: interesting too, because I understand what he means.

523
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 2: Women.

524
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 1: Women can be challenging, especially as you get older and

525
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,360
Speaker 1: they get hurt and stuff like that. But there is

526
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 1: a point where you can connect on a deeper level

527
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: and start to build trust with someone that has.

528
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 2: Those types of fears. Would you agree with that?

529
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's important to understand that not everyone.

530
00:28:55,880 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: If you it's like it's like when you when you

531
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:06,320
Speaker 1: start trusting in yourself a little by little, it's earned.

532
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,400
Speaker 1: And so if Steve can say, hey, we can just

533
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 1: sit on the couch. We don't even need to snuggle.

534
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 1: We don't need to snuggle. I'll pick up my guitar

535
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 1: and play for a little bit. If you want, let's

536
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 1: just hang out, that might be something that would build

537
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:21,200
Speaker 1: trust for her.

538
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 4: Yes.

539
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:26,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you know, little by little, doctor West, not just

540
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 1: not just with other people, but with ourselves.

541
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:31,560
Speaker 2: Keep your promises.

542
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: We're going to talk about that because twenty twenty six,

543
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,680
Speaker 1: like I said, is going to be a really big year,

544
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 1: the year the Horse. This is the riser of the

545
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,080
Speaker 1: divine unions made from love instead of fear, the era

546
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:48,440
Speaker 1: of post traumatic relationships. I'm reading this and this is

547
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 1: what everybody is saying. Post traumatic relationship collapsing. People are

548
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: done bonding through wounds and chaos and survival. We're all

549
00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: doing the work on ourselves to be able to be

550
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 1: good partners for other people and to be big, you know,

551
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: take responsibility for our own actions because believe me, that

552
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:09,600
Speaker 1: is extremely important.

553
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 2: I think we got to go. We're up against the wall.

554
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 1: But when we come back, we're going to break down

555
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 1: what real love looks like. Yeah, and also three things

556
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: to do in twenty twenty six to make that year

557
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: to the upcoming twenty twenty six one of the best years.

558
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:24,840
Speaker 2: So we're gonna come back.

559
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: Take your calls five one, three, seven, four, ninety seven thousand.

560
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,840
Speaker 1: News and Weather are up next, and it's done a

561
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:36,120
Speaker 1: d with Doctor West my buddy on seven hundred WLW Cincinnati.

562
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 3: Eating or even in a long term marriage, that's a

563
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 3: healthy that's a healthy thing.

564
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 4: What you just think? Okay, Well, I don't know if

565
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 4: you agree with me or not.

566
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: I do because I don't want to be I'd rather

567
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: be strolling. And I talked about this earlier. Do you

568
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 1: like being single? This was the question this afternoon and

569
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: his answer was I do, because here's the thing. I'd

570
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: rather be by myself than be with somebody basically that

571
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:07,880
Speaker 1: doesn't care and is gonna call me and drive me

572
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: nuts and where am I and all the attachment things

573
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: that come with you.

574
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 2: Didn't call me.

575
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 3: You didn't, So it's just unhealthy. It's a toxic pattern.

576
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: Yes, so all right, we have to go over that

577
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:23,200
Speaker 1: one more time. If you ask these three questions, and

578
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,960
Speaker 1: the three questions are are you are you there for me?

579
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 2: Are you there for me? Do you see me?

580
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 3: Do you see me and respond to me? And do

581
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:32,000
Speaker 3: I matter to you?

582
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: Okay, those should be pretty easy to answer if you're

583
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:37,440
Speaker 1: in a loving relationship.

584
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,040
Speaker 4: Uh huh. And I'm not saying that.

585
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 3: If if the answers know that, you throw the towel in, right,

586
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 3: but you need to go to a therapist's office as

587
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 3: soon as you can.

588
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you need to call up doctor West

589
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: since you're talking, So let's go to the phones in Dayton, Wayne.

590
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,520
Speaker 1: You're on with Donnade and doctor West. Tell me about

591
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,360
Speaker 1: your building your relationship.

592
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 5: I agree with most things that you say said, and

593
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:05,080
Speaker 5: one thing that makes it easier is to help each other.

594
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 5: Find a mentor someone that you admired that you want

595
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 5: to copy their style and go back to from time

596
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 5: to time. For me, it's a basketball coach Rick Patino

597
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:27,240
Speaker 5: a book called Success Life is Success in Life. And

598
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:32,360
Speaker 5: I look at this bulletin points in the book when

599
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 5: I read it most most days, not every day, but

600
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 5: most days, and it helps me and I also helped

601
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:45,640
Speaker 5: her fine. And her mentor was the on the book

602
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:52,320
Speaker 5: Magnolia with the with the two with a building house

603
00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 5: building couple that work in spite of their five children

604
00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 5: and all they maintained to even keep a show going

605
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 5: for that time. But they've got five children all the time,

606
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,480
Speaker 5: they do it, and they have interest like.

607
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:11,640
Speaker 2: She does, and so they can do it. If they

608
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:15,400
Speaker 2: can do it, then she can do it right right.

609
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 5: We've gone through a lot of difficulties when bankrupt once.

610
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 5: Some died at an early age, and she also recently

611
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,959
Speaker 5: passed away. But having a mentor to go back to

612
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 5: is great. And that book is called Success as a

613
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:39,240
Speaker 5: Choice by the way of Rick Patino, and it's written

614
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 5: both for coaching a basketball team but also coaching yourself

615
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,320
Speaker 5: and other people for life.

616
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,200
Speaker 1: Oh, sports is a Sports is a great metaphor for

617
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 1: almost anything, to be honest, if you you can work

618
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 1: as a team with your with your partner, and you

619
00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,239
Speaker 1: can get advice from that. Wayne, Thank you so much much.

620
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: That's a great call. I appreciate it. Happy New Year,

621
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: and thanks for calling in appreciate it so I mean,

622
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: it's I've never actually heard finding a mentor, like a

623
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,360
Speaker 1: marriage mentor. Yeah, I mean a therapist, I've heard, but

624
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 1: a mentor is a different thing. And it could be

625
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:23,080
Speaker 1: a family member that's got a successful relationship and or

626
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,319
Speaker 1: a book of somebody you admire that can teach you

627
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: skills on how to talk to people.

628
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 4: Yeah.

629
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,360
Speaker 3: There are some churches too that have marriage mentoring programs.

630
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:37,399
Speaker 3: So yeah, there's a lot of resources available if you're

631
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 3: if you're looking for like a marriage mentor, I would

632
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 3: I would maybe check into that, But or just find

633
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:44,839
Speaker 3: somebody that you trust, that you look up to their

634
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:48,359
Speaker 3: relationship and ask them questions if they're open to it. Yeah,

635
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 3: that's that's really a wise thing to do.

636
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,840
Speaker 2: So I loved the questions that you offered.

637
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:57,880
Speaker 1: And if you're even in a relationship that you're like,

638
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 1: you know, I've been going back and forth with this guy,

639
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,280
Speaker 1: right and you know, I just don't feel like he's

640
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:07,960
Speaker 1: in it as much as I am. Or maybe we're

641
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:12,399
Speaker 1: just in different stages of this relationship. Maybe it's it's

642
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 1: it's it doesn't feel like he wants to commit or something.

643
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: When you ask those three questions, say them again, So.

644
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 4: Are you there for me?

645
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:23,520
Speaker 2: Are you there for me?

646
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 3: Do you see me and respond to me? And do

647
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:31,239
Speaker 3: I matter to you? Well, the last one is really important.

648
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 3: I think do I matter to you?

649
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:36,279
Speaker 1: I watched an interview because I watch a lot of

650
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 1: podcasts and reels and things like that on relationship stuff,

651
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 1: because this is what drives me. And he said, the

652
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:48,359
Speaker 1: thing that saved his marriage was he came home late

653
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: and he was rushing around and he, you know, didn't

654
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: hug his wife. And she said, listen, what kind of

655
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: a home do you want to come home to? Do

656
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,839
Speaker 1: you want it to be a loving home? Because if

657
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:05,080
Speaker 1: you do, you need to start acting like it. And

658
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:11,040
Speaker 1: he said her comment shaped the way he thought about

659
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,239
Speaker 1: his marriage and looked at it, and he said, basically

660
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:14,839
Speaker 1: saved it.

661
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 2: Questions can do that.

662
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,279
Speaker 1: And sometimes, and I'll speak for myself too, when sometimes

663
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 1: I already know the answer and don't want to ask

664
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:29,520
Speaker 1: the question. How detrimental is that to yourself and to

665
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 1: the relationship.

666
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 3: When you know the answer but you don't want to

667
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,080
Speaker 3: ask the question. That's right, Yeah, well that's where I

668
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,200
Speaker 3: would That's where I've been for twenty twenty five.

669
00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:39,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't want to know because you because you

670
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: know that there's pain behind it's coming it's right here

671
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 1: on the surface. Yeah, you know that the actions, the words,

672
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 1: all those things that you know a loving relationship is.

673
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 2: She's not displaying right.

674
00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:59,920
Speaker 1: And so if you ask a direct question, she'll probably

675
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 1: have a direct answer, and that's not the answer that

676
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:03,359
Speaker 1: you want.

677
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 3: And that did happen towards the end of my marriage.

678
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,640
Speaker 3: I did ask those direct questions and I got a

679
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:08,719
Speaker 3: direct answer.

680
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:12,480
Speaker 2: That what's tough to hear, wasn't it. I mean, I

681
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:13,520
Speaker 2: know the answer to that.

682
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,439
Speaker 1: But I think a lot of people will just say, look,

683
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not going through separation. I'm not going

684
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: to go through therapy. I'm not going to go and

685
00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,360
Speaker 1: do the work it's going to take. Let's just ride

686
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 1: it out. We're in our fifties, we have grown kit

687
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:30,239
Speaker 1: Let's just ride it out.

688
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,479
Speaker 2: What do you tell a couple that decides to do that.

689
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:39,239
Speaker 3: Well, I usually will tell them that they're not going

690
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 3: to have a deep felt sense of a secure attachment,

691
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 3: and so it's going to be very surface level. They're

692
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,680
Speaker 3: going to be it's it's basically it's a transactional relationship,

693
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:52,400
Speaker 3: and they're going to end up basically keeping score, and

694
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 3: it's it's going to be like a Ledger system, like

695
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:58,919
Speaker 3: a balance of whose bank account has you know, it's

696
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 3: not going to be healthy, is what I'll tell them,

697
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,840
Speaker 3: unless they want to design it in a way that

698
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,360
Speaker 3: they're very intentional about it. They have very clear communication

699
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 3: about what why we're staying together. We're staying together for

700
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:15,279
Speaker 3: a transactional relationship. And this is the reason why I

701
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:19,320
Speaker 3: don't see a lot of relationships making it though based

702
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:21,240
Speaker 3: on transactions.

703
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 1: And what does that mean exactly? The transactional relationship.

704
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,960
Speaker 2: Just just living together and surviving.

705
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 3: Just basically doing life, doing life without an emotional bond,

706
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 3: so roommates people for.

707
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:42,840
Speaker 1: People forget what a true loving relationship is if you've

708
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,919
Speaker 1: been in it. And I can remember, and I've said

709
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,400
Speaker 1: this to you and on this on these airwaves.

710
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 2: I've said this many times that my husband and.

711
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:57,359
Speaker 1: I were very happy for fourteen straight years. We were

712
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: very happy, and now that I'm out of it, I

713
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:03,399
Speaker 1: can see how great it was back then. Now we

714
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,959
Speaker 1: moved in different directions and that happens to all kinds

715
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:09,239
Speaker 1: of couples, and we're still friends, and I'm grateful that

716
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 1: we did have the good times that we have, But

717
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 1: I won't settle for anything less than having two people

718
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 1: that care about each other and somebody that loves me

719
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,760
Speaker 1: and adores me, and vice versa. I love and adore

720
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:31,600
Speaker 1: him and work well together, keeping the love alive, making

721
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 1: a choice to be loving instead of agitated, irritated, aggravated.

722
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 1: And I can see where I did that back when

723
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 1: you know, he annoyed me or I annoyed him. We

724
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: you know, for the most part, we did pretty well

725
00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: at twenty four and twenty six when we got married

726
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,439
Speaker 1: and we carried that through. We did have a very

727
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:59,319
Speaker 1: loving bond, but something happened that we moved away from that.

728
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:02,240
Speaker 1: And when we did did neither one of us wanted

729
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,839
Speaker 1: to continue that because we knew what we had right

730
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: and it was it was very interesting. Other things happened

731
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,000
Speaker 1: to you know, not them put everything on front Street,

732
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 1: but I mean like it was, it was, you know.

733
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:22,760
Speaker 2: Fighting more than more than loving energy in the house.

734
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,320
Speaker 3: So the five to one ratio was out of balance.

735
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,840
Speaker 3: It's five positives to one negative.

736
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 2: Oh is that what it is?

737
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,080
Speaker 3: That's what the that's what the ratio it needs to

738
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 3: be according to doctor Gotman's research.

739
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,239
Speaker 2: Okay, can you explain that all lot?

740
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, So five positive interactions That can be a verbal interaction,

741
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,920
Speaker 3: it can be a nonverbal interaction. It's just you know,

742
00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:44,359
Speaker 3: you're turning towards each other, you're smiling to each other,

743
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 3: you're saying, I love you. Five positives to one negative.

744
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:53,640
Speaker 1: Wow, it was definitely flipped towards the end. And then

745
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 1: once we separated, it was all positive. I mean, go figure.

746
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: I mean, but I mean it was because we knew

747
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: that what we were doing wasn't working anymore. So we've

748
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,239
Speaker 1: decided like, all right, yeah, we still lived at next door,

749
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 1: we had three dogs together. We you know, we we

750
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:17,239
Speaker 1: still had a deep, deep friendship that just the you know,

751
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,920
Speaker 1: loving relationship of a couple was no longer there.

752
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 3: And that's people will stay together sometimes because of the

753
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,319
Speaker 3: image of love that they have that they hope that there,

754
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 3: or the image that they maybe remembered that they had

755
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,040
Speaker 3: with this partner. They had they had this type of

756
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 3: relationship with this partner. It's no longer there, but they're

757
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,799
Speaker 3: hoping it'll come back, so they'll stay with it, and

758
00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:40,080
Speaker 3: it's never going to come back.

759
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: Usually, Yeah, once that bond is broken, it's really hard

760
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:45,759
Speaker 1: to come back.

761
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:46,879
Speaker 2: And that it can be done.

762
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 4: It can be done.

763
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,240
Speaker 2: It can be done it. But but it's hard.

764
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, once you say, all right, you turned your back

765
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,080
Speaker 1: on me and I turned my back on you, and

766
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:57,800
Speaker 1: all right, we're done, and that's kind of what happened.

767
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,560
Speaker 2: And it's always sad. It's so hard to let go.

768
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:03,480
Speaker 1: But if you're if you're courageous and you're brave, and

769
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:07,399
Speaker 1: you're looking at it in a real light, and you're

770
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:11,480
Speaker 1: both saying, all right, this just doesn't seem like it's working.

771
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:14,440
Speaker 1: We've tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, and it just doesn't

772
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:18,560
Speaker 1: seem Even if you're in a relationship right now and

773
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:22,040
Speaker 1: you're saying it's not working, you can simply say, all right,

774
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:24,399
Speaker 1: what we're doing is not working, and we can take

775
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,680
Speaker 1: a break. It doesn't have to lead to separation, it

776
00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:29,200
Speaker 1: doesn't have to lead to divorce. You can say what

777
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,879
Speaker 1: we're doing right now is not so let me go

778
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: heal myself and do some of the things on my own.

779
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:36,719
Speaker 2: You do some of the things on your own.

780
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,400
Speaker 1: We can still live in the same house and parent

781
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 1: the kids or whatever, if that's what you have, and

782
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 1: then figure out what it is that you.

783
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 2: Can look at for yourself and change that.

784
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 4: That's right, You're on the right track there.

785
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely, Yeah, Well it's I tell couples that they

786
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 3: need to when they're arguing. They've got literally it's like

787
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:02,960
Speaker 3: a seven or eight percent chance of having a successful relationship.

788
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 3: That's just the brain, that's the neuroscience behind it. So

789
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:08,480
Speaker 3: they need to be able to go to their separate

790
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 3: rooms literally and calm down for thirty minutes.

791
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:13,600
Speaker 2: And that does wonders.

792
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:17,800
Speaker 1: It does you start to stop the insanity of the mind.

793
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,480
Speaker 2: That's like, it's you, you, you, you, you, and not me,

794
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:20,799
Speaker 2: me me.

795
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:25,319
Speaker 3: It's a primal panic, is what it is. Yeah, it's

796
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:28,600
Speaker 3: a panic because it's your attachment figure that you've gotten

797
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:32,200
Speaker 3: disconnected from and you want to connect with them so badly,

798
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 3: but you can't because you're in the four horses.

799
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:36,319
Speaker 2: Then here's my safety net.

800
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 1: And he doesn't love me anymore and he's being mean

801
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 1: to me, and how could he say these things?

802
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,359
Speaker 2: And how's he looking at it? I don't get it.

803
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:46,359
Speaker 1: And then you go and you sit by yourself for

804
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,399
Speaker 1: thirty minutes, and.

805
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,560
Speaker 2: You know, maybe some of that was me. I shouldn't

806
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:50,720
Speaker 2: have said some of that stuff.

807
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:54,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, you flip your lids what.

808
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 2: It is, literally, flip your your lid.

809
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 3: You flip your lid, you flip the prefrontal cortex in

810
00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:01,680
Speaker 3: your brain, which helps you main rational, and you go

811
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,439
Speaker 3: into the part of your brain that's the fight flight

812
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:04,680
Speaker 3: or freeze.

813
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: Five win, flip your lid five and three nine thousand, one,

814
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 1: eight hundred, the big one. If you want to get

815
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:13,680
Speaker 1: in the discussion with doctor Wes and myself don a

816
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,200
Speaker 1: d I want to talk about because we're gonna we've

817
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 1: got about two minutes left, two and a half three

818
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:23,160
Speaker 1: Three things to make your life happier in twenty twenty six.

819
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:26,200
Speaker 1: And these are three things that I feel like if

820
00:44:26,239 --> 00:44:28,759
Speaker 1: we can do and I've seen I've seen myself in

821
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:31,000
Speaker 1: all three of these things that I've done, and I'm

822
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,879
Speaker 1: really going to focus on twenty twenty six to make

823
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,760
Speaker 1: my life happier within myself. I'm not asking for anybody

824
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 1: else to join in yet. I want to make sure

825
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: that I am the best I can be in twenty

826
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:47,279
Speaker 1: twenty six. Three things to make your life happier. Number one,

827
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:53,040
Speaker 1: stop regretting the past. You cannot do anything about you

828
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 1: can learn, so you go there and you just to learn.

829
00:44:56,520 --> 00:44:59,280
Speaker 1: But you know, when you're sitting in stewing and regretting,

830
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 1: and that's not going to be making yourself happy. It's

831
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 1: actually going to make do the opposite. So stop regretting

832
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:10,240
Speaker 1: the past. Number two, stop worrying about the future, because

833
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:16,360
Speaker 1: most scientists say most things that you worry about do

834
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:20,760
Speaker 1: not ever happen, So don't spend any time in worrying

835
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:24,560
Speaker 1: about anything. And then the third thing is stop looking

836
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:29,320
Speaker 1: for others to make you happy. It is an inside job.

837
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:34,760
Speaker 1: And then when you bring yourself, your strong, self secure,

838
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 1: self grounded, self loving self to any relationship, whether it's

839
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: a friendship, a work relationship, a partner relationship, a romantic relationship, anything,

840
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,560
Speaker 1: you're going to be succeeding.

841
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:49,840
Speaker 2: Do you agree with those.

842
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:53,480
Speaker 3: One hundred percent that the past is not the past

843
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:57,719
Speaker 3: if it's in your present? So yeah, your past has

844
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,799
Speaker 3: to be the past. Well, And it's what I tell

845
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 3: my clients is anxiety. Anxiety lives in the future, right,

846
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 3: Depression lives in the past usually so right, So anxiety

847
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:10,239
Speaker 3: and depression are cousins to each other. So we got

848
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 3: to live in the present moment, bring it back to

849
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 3: the center, and stay present.

850
00:46:14,239 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: And I just thought of a fourth one comparison is

851
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:20,399
Speaker 1: the thief of joy. Stop comparing your life and those

852
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:22,880
Speaker 1: that you see on social media that all look so

853
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,279
Speaker 1: happy and everybody else or so and so and so

854
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,919
Speaker 1: good with high site reel, it is so bad, soop

855
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: of comparison.

856
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 2: Okay.

857
00:46:30,239 --> 00:46:33,759
Speaker 1: So neuroscientists when we come back, have been studying the

858
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 1: brain and what they're finding out is really important about

859
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 1: what you say to yourself and how you can make

860
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:44,480
Speaker 1: yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable. We're going

861
00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:48,000
Speaker 1: to talk about that when we come back. News and

862
00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:51,680
Speaker 1: Weather up next. It's Donna d Doctor Wes on a

863
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:59,160
Speaker 1: Saturday night relationship radio in seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Oh yeah,

864
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,840
Speaker 1: thanks for being of that's done a Dan, doctor Wes.

865
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:05,279
Speaker 1: Russ Jackson producing the show, pulling this all the out

866
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:11,759
Speaker 1: Relationship Radio on this beautiful Saturday night in Cincinnati. We've

867
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,279
Speaker 1: talked about real loving relationships and others and we're we're

868
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 1: going to talk about this in a moment. But I

869
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:20,400
Speaker 1: did want to get to Russ put a chat in

870
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:23,480
Speaker 1: a caller who said they didn't want to go on

871
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: air with us, but wanted to ask doctor Wes about

872
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 1: relationships where they can't stand each other but they are

873
00:47:30,719 --> 00:47:32,120
Speaker 1: addicted to each other.

874
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 2: What would you call that?

875
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:36,960
Speaker 3: So, just off the top of my head, it sounds

876
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 3: like a trauma bond.

877
00:47:38,239 --> 00:47:38,560
Speaker 2: Okay.

878
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:43,120
Speaker 3: Trauma bond is where there are periods of fear, criticism, neglect,

879
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:49,600
Speaker 3: or abuse followed by apologies, affection, promises of safety. Their

880
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 3: relief creates the bonding, but there's not safety in the relationship.

881
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:57,759
Speaker 1: Right, And that's like the big key element of you

882
00:47:57,880 --> 00:48:00,359
Speaker 1: have to have a safe place to land if it's

883
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:03,399
Speaker 1: a loving relationship, and if they don't like each other,

884
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,600
Speaker 1: yeah they should get out of it or what should

885
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:07,000
Speaker 1: they do?

886
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,399
Speaker 3: Well, they need to just be honest about I think no, she.

887
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:13,719
Speaker 1: Said they can't stand, they can't change each other, but

888
00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:16,359
Speaker 1: they are addicted to each other, then.

889
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:18,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would get into some therapy to break that addiction.

890
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:24,080
Speaker 3: That's that is that that's a physiological addiction. So basically

891
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:26,680
Speaker 3: it's it's like a drug addiction. It's it's like it's

892
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 3: your brain. It's the stress hormones cortisol and the bonding

893
00:48:30,120 --> 00:48:34,880
Speaker 3: chemicals dopamine and oxytocin. They become linked and so the

894
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:40,320
Speaker 3: high arousal can cause you to become addicted and the calm. Actually,

895
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 3: what I see with one of my clients is that

896
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 3: they will tell me it doesn't feel safe. It actually

897
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:50,040
Speaker 3: feels empty when I'm calm. It feels empty when I'm calm.

898
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:55,560
Speaker 1: So that's a red red flag because loving relationships should

899
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:57,680
Speaker 1: be calm and not filled with anxiety.

900
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:01,000
Speaker 3: Correct, So calm can feel empty or unsad when you're

901
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 3: addicted to your partner.

902
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:05,680
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, because there would be drama all day, all

903
00:49:05,719 --> 00:49:09,880
Speaker 1: the time, and then your nervous system never settles with

904
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:14,839
Speaker 1: that person. No, No, that is definitely And I even

905
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:18,560
Speaker 1: see parts of that in my last relationship. I see

906
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,200
Speaker 1: because I even said I remember him saying to me,

907
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,279
Speaker 1: I don't feel calm around you, and I'm like, oh

908
00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:25,760
Speaker 1: my gosh, that hurts my heart.

909
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember that.

910
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:31,719
Speaker 1: But there was a lot of drama in the relationship

911
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 1: going on within him, and he was looking for me

912
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:36,280
Speaker 1: to help.

913
00:49:36,160 --> 00:49:36,799
Speaker 2: Him all the time.

914
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:39,959
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you've got to this is yours, not mine.

915
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,000
Speaker 1: I would love to do this, but this is not.

916
00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:46,520
Speaker 1: You've got to dig deep here, because ultimately we all

917
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:49,360
Speaker 1: have to walk our own path, right, we all have

918
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:54,480
Speaker 1: to figure out how to love ourselves and how to

919
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:58,400
Speaker 1: have our own back. This is something that I am

920
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 1: bringing into twenty six that I I'm going to get

921
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:04,399
Speaker 1: so good at it's literally I I am a big

922
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:07,440
Speaker 1: cheerleader within myself, but I also lean on people like

923
00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:14,080
Speaker 1: my twin sister and I I really want to make

924
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:16,840
Speaker 1: sure that I am the person that I go to

925
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:21,720
Speaker 1: first to lean on. And then, I mean, because having

926
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 1: you can't do it alone. You have to have your partners.

927
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 1: You have to have people to talk to, You have

928
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,080
Speaker 1: to have people to bounce things off of.

929
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:30,040
Speaker 2: Is it me? Is it him? I mean, so you

930
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:30,960
Speaker 2: have to have that.

931
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:34,880
Speaker 1: But there's always a question I'm going to ask before

932
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,759
Speaker 1: I go to somebody else and say, how can I

933
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:40,120
Speaker 1: handle this myself?

934
00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:42,200
Speaker 4: Right? M hm?

935
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:47,000
Speaker 1: Because I feel like, you know, your greatest love of

936
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:49,720
Speaker 1: your life is you right?

937
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:51,440
Speaker 4: And should be?

938
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:55,759
Speaker 2: It should be? And we're all so hard on ourselves.

939
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:59,680
Speaker 1: I mean, if you start paying attention to the thoughts

940
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,919
Speaker 1: in your head, which most people don't understand, that there

941
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:07,360
Speaker 1: is somebody in your head talking all the time, the

942
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:12,840
Speaker 1: voice of the ego that's usually negative, repetitive, and useless.

943
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 1: Ecker totally says eighty to ninety percent. So if we

944
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:20,280
Speaker 1: have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts a day, and eighty

945
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 1: to ninety percent of those are negative. That's like you're

946
00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:26,359
Speaker 1: walking around with somebody that's so mean to you all

947
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:26,799
Speaker 1: the time.

948
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:29,120
Speaker 2: And if you don't know that that's what's.

949
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: Going on, you're gonna be angry, you're gonna be upset,

950
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:33,920
Speaker 1: you're gonna a your nervous system is going to be

951
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:35,759
Speaker 1: active all the time, and it's going to be a

952
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:36,680
Speaker 1: hard life to live.

953
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 4: It will be yeah, the inner critic, right.

954
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:44,680
Speaker 1: So it's so important to be aware of the things

955
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,920
Speaker 1: that you're saying to yourself. And neuroscientists have been studying

956
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:50,719
Speaker 1: the brain and what they are finding is that the

957
00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:53,759
Speaker 1: brain doesn't care if the story is true or not.

958
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,239
Speaker 1: You know, when you're in a dream state and you're

959
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,319
Speaker 1: having a dream and your nervous system you wake up

960
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:02,160
Speaker 1: and your fingers are clenching and your sweating, and your

961
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 1: nervous system doesn't know that that's not actually happening. That's right,

962
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: But that's what happens all day long when we're talking

963
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:13,279
Speaker 1: bad about ourselves and others. So it matters over and

964
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:16,719
Speaker 1: over again what you say. It doesn't matter if it's

965
00:52:16,719 --> 00:52:19,759
Speaker 1: true or not. It just matters that the things that

966
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:22,560
Speaker 1: you are saying and you repeat over yourself over again.

967
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: So If you say, hey, I have bad luck with women,

968
00:52:27,080 --> 00:52:29,720
Speaker 1: guess what you're in have bad luck with women.

969
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:33,040
Speaker 3: It's the template you're forming, the recipe you're creating for yourself.

970
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:37,560
Speaker 1: You never have any money, Nope, you will not. You're

971
00:52:37,640 --> 00:52:41,680
Speaker 1: unlucky in love, or you attract the worst type of people.

972
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:44,279
Speaker 1: Guess what you're going to continue to do that. I

973
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:47,399
Speaker 1: remember I was I was just starting to date this

974
00:52:47,440 --> 00:52:50,640
Speaker 1: one guy and he said, I'm so unlucky. I said,

975
00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:53,480
Speaker 1: I'm glad you told me that, because I don't want

976
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,600
Speaker 1: to hang out with somebody so unlucky.

977
00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:58,520
Speaker 2: I want to be in the vicinity of you. And

978
00:52:58,560 --> 00:52:59,960
Speaker 2: he was like, well, I didn't mean that.

979
00:53:00,200 --> 00:53:04,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, when you say stuff like that, you put

980
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:08,000
Speaker 1: an X on your back, right, there's gonna be some

981
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: I don't want to be standing next to you when

982
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:13,319
Speaker 1: you do that. If you say you're gonna have a

983
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: successful career, there's a good chance that's gonna happen. If

984
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:18,399
Speaker 1: you say I'm gonna find my soulmate and you say

985
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,760
Speaker 1: it over and over again in twenty twenty six, twenty

986
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:22,440
Speaker 1: twenty six is going to be the best year, and

987
00:53:22,440 --> 00:53:24,840
Speaker 1: I'm going to find the person that I'm gonna have

988
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:29,480
Speaker 1: a real loving relationship with Maybe that might be a

989
00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:32,879
Speaker 1: good it's certainly a good chance for you to have it.

990
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:35,439
Speaker 1: If you continue to say these things over and over again,

991
00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:37,959
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find the person that I'm gonna marry.

992
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 2: I'm gonna I'm gonna be you know, successful.

993
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:43,840
Speaker 1: Even if even if you say I'm gonna make a

994
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,040
Speaker 1: million dollars, I don't know how. I'm just gonna do it,

995
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 1: and you keep saying that over and over and over again,

996
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:53,160
Speaker 1: chances are you're gonna say it. So how important is

997
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 1: it to look at and to start talking in a

998
00:53:57,120 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 1: positive way. Get that feed loop going in a positive way.

999
00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:05,520
Speaker 1: Understand that negativity breeds negativity and it's going to manifest

1000
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:08,759
Speaker 1: all kinds of negative things. The opposite is true when

1001
00:54:08,840 --> 00:54:10,160
Speaker 1: you're looking at positive things.

1002
00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:12,959
Speaker 3: So you're rewiring your brain, is what you're doing when

1003
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:17,080
Speaker 3: you are creating a new template for your brain. So

1004
00:54:17,239 --> 00:54:22,360
Speaker 3: neurons in your brain, neurons that fire together, wire together.

1005
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 3: So the brain is about associations. So if you associate

1006
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:30,279
Speaker 3: yourself with positive energy or positive thinking, you're going to

1007
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:30,919
Speaker 3: feel that way.

1008
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:34,360
Speaker 2: Okay, so what if I don't feel positive?

1009
00:54:34,560 --> 00:54:37,880
Speaker 3: What is But if you say it enough if you create,

1010
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:38,960
Speaker 3: it's fake it till you make it.

1011
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:39,319
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1012
00:54:39,719 --> 00:54:42,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, because you're still creating, you're still firing it off

1013
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:46,160
Speaker 3: in your brain and you're wiring it in to your reality.

1014
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:50,120
Speaker 3: It's a way that treat post traumatic stress disorder is

1015
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 3: by helping people go back to get traumatic memories. We

1016
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:56,840
Speaker 3: can't change what's happened to them, but we can lessen

1017
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,560
Speaker 3: the intensity of the emotion they feel because just like

1018
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:02,440
Speaker 3: what you say, Donna, your nervous system cannot tell the

1019
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:05,880
Speaker 3: difference between what it perceives is happening and what is

1020
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:06,600
Speaker 3: really happening.

1021
00:55:06,719 --> 00:55:10,719
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, it's it's it's And people studying the brain

1022
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:15,239
Speaker 1: or understanding this on a deeper level, how important it

1023
00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:18,839
Speaker 1: is to understand the things that you are saying, the

1024
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 1: thoughts that you are saying to yourself. And some people

1025
00:55:22,680 --> 00:55:27,760
Speaker 1: don't even they don't know that there is a little

1026
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:30,440
Speaker 1: man or a woman you see when when you see,

1027
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:32,759
Speaker 1: you know, somebody out on the street and they're they're

1028
00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:36,480
Speaker 1: they're homeless, or they're they're you know, it's disturbed and

1029
00:55:36,480 --> 00:55:37,960
Speaker 1: they're talking to themselves and you see it.

1030
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 2: I mean, when I lived in La it was a

1031
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:40,640
Speaker 2: frequent thing.

1032
00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:43,000
Speaker 1: They're yelling at themselves and they're real loud blah blah,

1033
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:46,760
Speaker 1: but we all have that to a certain level degree

1034
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:53,080
Speaker 1: of of of a man or a woman. You have

1035
00:55:53,160 --> 00:55:55,360
Speaker 1: a man, I have a woman in my head that

1036
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:58,360
Speaker 1: talks to me all the time. And if I don't

1037
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:00,919
Speaker 1: control that voice, and I say this all the time

1038
00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:04,160
Speaker 1: in my yoga classes too. You can control that voice

1039
00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:06,840
Speaker 1: because you can say right now in your say in

1040
00:56:06,880 --> 00:56:10,920
Speaker 1: your head, right now, scream your name in your head

1041
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:15,760
Speaker 1: and then whisper it. You have control of that voice,

1042
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:20,200
Speaker 1: and if you turn it into a positive then then

1043
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:23,560
Speaker 1: instead of negative talk, it's going to change your life.

1044
00:56:23,719 --> 00:56:26,839
Speaker 1: I can tell you that, let's go to Centerville with Cap. Hey, Cap,

1045
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:28,480
Speaker 1: do you have something to say on this? You're on

1046
00:56:29,160 --> 00:56:31,719
Speaker 1: WLW with Donna d and doctor Wes.

1047
00:56:32,239 --> 00:56:35,040
Speaker 5: Yeah. I would make a list to get rid of

1048
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:39,960
Speaker 5: the negativity of all the positive things that you've done

1049
00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:44,360
Speaker 5: in the past. Write them down, and also make a

1050
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 5: list of all the things in detail, write them down

1051
00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:51,640
Speaker 5: what you're grateful for, Yes, yeah, some real simple ones.

1052
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:55,880
Speaker 5: Is I live in America. I live in Ohio in

1053
00:56:55,920 --> 00:56:58,880
Speaker 5: an area that doesn't have a lot of problems like

1054
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:01,960
Speaker 5: other places in the world. World and a number of

1055
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:05,440
Speaker 5: other things that you're grateful for, opportunities you've been given.

1056
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:09,480
Speaker 1: You have two legs, two arms, two eyes, two hands,

1057
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:13,239
Speaker 1: You're healthy, your body is healthy, you have you have

1058
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:14,120
Speaker 1: an open heart.

1059
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,000
Speaker 2: You I mean, I can go on.

1060
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:19,680
Speaker 1: I write a gratitude list every single day to help

1061
00:57:19,760 --> 00:57:23,880
Speaker 1: me look for the things that are positive in my life,

1062
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:24,720
Speaker 1: not the negative.

1063
00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,800
Speaker 5: And Keith, and if you have to refer to the

1064
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:33,840
Speaker 5: same list most days or every day, then then do that. Yeah,

1065
00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:38,160
Speaker 5: and again, be grateful for everything that you have and

1066
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 5: what things that you've done that you were successful for

1067
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:45,160
Speaker 5: that made a difference in your life, and focus on those.

1068
00:57:45,720 --> 00:57:49,800
Speaker 4: That's that's exactly right. I agree, hundred percent. Yeah, good deal.

1069
00:57:49,920 --> 00:57:52,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, grateful for you and grateful for your call. Thank

1070
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:53,919
Speaker 1: you so much, Happy New Year.

1071
00:57:54,960 --> 00:57:55,480
Speaker 5: You got it.

1072
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 4: But he's right, He's exactly right.

1073
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,680
Speaker 1: Lists are so important and if you do it right

1074
00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:07,000
Speaker 1: before you go to bed, five things that you're grateful for.

1075
00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:09,960
Speaker 1: I mean, anybody can come up with five things that

1076
00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:10,760
Speaker 1: you're grateful for.

1077
00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 2: I remember I was in a really bad mood. This

1078
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 2: was a very long time ago, and.

1079
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:20,760
Speaker 1: I was talking to my sister on the phone and

1080
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:23,320
Speaker 1: she said, tell me something you're grateful for, and I.

1081
00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:25,560
Speaker 2: Didn't want to do it. I was in a bad

1082
00:58:25,640 --> 00:58:27,600
Speaker 2: mood and I didn't want to do it. And I

1083
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:30,440
Speaker 2: was like, I'm grateful for you, and she was like,

1084
00:58:30,800 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 2: grab me. I did not.

1085
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:36,960
Speaker 1: So there's a resistance to to when you're in a

1086
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:37,800
Speaker 1: bad mood.

1087
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:39,840
Speaker 2: Sometimes you just want to stay there.

1088
00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:42,200
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you, the longer you stay there, the

1089
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:43,800
Speaker 1: harder it is to get out of it.

1090
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,120
Speaker 3: I would agree with that too, because it's a self

1091
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 3: fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, we create our own reality by what

1092
00:58:50,480 --> 00:58:53,280
Speaker 3: by the thoughts we tell ourselves. There's a whole school

1093
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:56,640
Speaker 3: of therapy called narrative therapy, and it looks at the

1094
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:58,840
Speaker 3: stories that we write about ourselves.

1095
00:58:59,400 --> 00:59:01,480
Speaker 2: Do you think it's helpful to.

1096
00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:06,000
Speaker 1: Sit quietly, maybe with a pen and a piece of

1097
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:10,120
Speaker 1: paper and close your eyes. And what's ironic is that

1098
00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:13,680
Speaker 1: when you try and listen to a thought, they're not there.

1099
00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:16,520
Speaker 1: It's hard to which is great because you have a

1100
00:59:16,600 --> 00:59:19,320
Speaker 1: peace of mind for a second, and one deep breath

1101
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:21,880
Speaker 1: can get you into the present moment. It's really important

1102
00:59:21,880 --> 00:59:24,200
Speaker 1: to try and find that as much as possible. Is

1103
00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:27,240
Speaker 1: just to be present in life and being in nature

1104
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:31,200
Speaker 1: and being with your animals and your pets and things

1105
00:59:31,240 --> 00:59:34,600
Speaker 1: like that can get you present. But is it helpful

1106
00:59:34,720 --> 00:59:38,040
Speaker 1: to write down some of the things that you're saying

1107
00:59:38,080 --> 00:59:41,360
Speaker 1: to yourself, like in a journal of like, Wow, I

1108
00:59:41,520 --> 00:59:46,800
Speaker 1: just said that I am mean and I don't mean it.

1109
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:50,360
Speaker 1: I'm mean and I'm nasty and nobody likes me. Is

1110
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:53,480
Speaker 1: that really the truth? You've got to question these thoughts.

1111
00:59:53,080 --> 00:59:56,760
Speaker 4: That you're having to put your thoughts on trial. Yes, yeah, you.

1112
00:59:56,760 --> 01:00:00,280
Speaker 1: Have to question them because the ego tries to pull

1113
01:00:00,320 --> 01:00:02,600
Speaker 1: you in that mind made self.

1114
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:03,120
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1115
01:00:03,280 --> 01:00:07,080
Speaker 1: And and first, I don't know what reason that is.

1116
01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:10,000
Speaker 1: I have no idea why we are battling the ego

1117
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:11,840
Speaker 1: all the time. It's a negativity bias.

1118
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:13,000
Speaker 2: Is that what it is?

1119
01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:16,880
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, evolutionarily speaking, we are brain's designed to

1120
01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:18,800
Speaker 3: keep us alive, right.

1121
01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 1: So they're looking for things to keep us out of danger.

1122
01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're constantly Our brains are designed to keep us alive,

1123
01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:29,200
Speaker 3: so we have to constantly scan for threats. If a

1124
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:32,200
Speaker 3: threat's not there, then our brain will focus on what's

1125
01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:35,720
Speaker 3: wrong in this present moment, even if nothing's wrong, and

1126
01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:38,800
Speaker 3: then we believe it is true. Just because a thought

1127
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:41,480
Speaker 3: is a thought is a thought, right, It doesn't mean

1128
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:42,000
Speaker 3: it's true.

1129
01:00:42,120 --> 01:00:46,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you have to question everything and ask yourself

1130
01:00:46,480 --> 01:00:50,360
Speaker 1: questions like do I really am I really mad at

1131
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,880
Speaker 1: somebody that didn't text me back and it's taken them

1132
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:53,280
Speaker 1: an hour?

1133
01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:55,880
Speaker 2: Is that really what I'm going to be upset about.

1134
01:00:56,400 --> 01:00:59,800
Speaker 1: I just had like the most amazing on air gig

1135
01:01:00,080 --> 01:01:03,440
Speaker 1: and I just had amazing for you clients that right,

1136
01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:05,880
Speaker 1: I just killed it in yoga and I was so

1137
01:01:06,120 --> 01:01:09,600
Speaker 1: strong whatever, And then I'm gonna get myself all upset

1138
01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:13,280
Speaker 1: because somebody didn't text me back something, or somebody didn't

1139
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:16,800
Speaker 1: like my Facebook page at the very minimum?

1140
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:19,960
Speaker 2: Right? Can we evolve from that.

1141
01:01:20,880 --> 01:01:24,440
Speaker 3: With mindfulness awareness? You can, but that can expect to

1142
01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:27,920
Speaker 3: what you were talking about writing it down. I think

1143
01:01:27,960 --> 01:01:31,280
Speaker 3: if you're going to write down the negative things you're thinking,

1144
01:01:31,680 --> 01:01:33,440
Speaker 3: I would want to say that it's a part of

1145
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,960
Speaker 3: me that's thinking it, not all of me. This is

1146
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 3: like a false voice, it's like a false self. So

1147
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,040
Speaker 3: that's what I tell my clients to you, right, it's

1148
01:01:43,040 --> 01:01:44,120
Speaker 3: like the inner critic.

1149
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:47,840
Speaker 1: Talking to me right, right, And you don't it's like somebody,

1150
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:51,520
Speaker 1: It's like you would never hang out with somebody on

1151
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:55,600
Speaker 1: a consistent basis a friend that was so negative all

1152
01:01:55,640 --> 01:01:58,600
Speaker 1: the time. You'd be like, get out of here, that's right.

1153
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:01,240
Speaker 1: But that's what we do to ourselves in our head

1154
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:02,360
Speaker 1: all the time.

1155
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:05,240
Speaker 2: It's can say it's insanity, it really is.

1156
01:02:05,800 --> 01:02:08,560
Speaker 1: I mean, if you think about the craziness of the

1157
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:11,840
Speaker 1: ego and the mind made self and how negative it

1158
01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 1: can be, and people don't understand that it's not really them.

1159
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:22,000
Speaker 1: It's just these patterns of growing up and things that

1160
01:02:22,040 --> 01:02:26,520
Speaker 1: we've heard being told. We talked about being bullied, right,

1161
01:02:26,560 --> 01:02:29,760
Speaker 1: and if you believe, like you you've been bullied and

1162
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:34,680
Speaker 1: they say you're this, you're that, you're whatever, and those

1163
01:02:34,680 --> 01:02:37,600
Speaker 1: things you hold on to that could be part of

1164
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:40,280
Speaker 1: the ego in your later adult life.

1165
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:43,240
Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely, Yeah, I can relate to that for sure.

1166
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:46,959
Speaker 1: And so and so the how would you say, other

1167
01:02:47,080 --> 01:02:49,920
Speaker 1: than writing it down or finding things to be grateful for,

1168
01:02:50,240 --> 01:02:53,080
Speaker 1: would you say looking at that or would you just

1169
01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:55,680
Speaker 1: ignore the voice altogether?

1170
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:56,040
Speaker 5: Me?

1171
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 1: I just ignore it and say, no, that's not me,

1172
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:02,400
Speaker 1: that's that alter ego. That's not a good person. And

1173
01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:04,040
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to hear it,

1174
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 1: don't want to pay attention to it.

1175
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:05,880
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1176
01:03:06,280 --> 01:03:09,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's one strategy you can certainly do and

1177
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:11,480
Speaker 3: it works for you. It sounds like does it work

1178
01:03:11,520 --> 01:03:11,680
Speaker 3: for you?

1179
01:03:11,880 --> 01:03:12,400
Speaker 2: Yes, it does?

1180
01:03:12,520 --> 01:03:15,120
Speaker 3: Okay, then great. And then there are other people that

1181
01:03:15,640 --> 01:03:18,480
Speaker 3: who might want to look at like what's the reason

1182
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:21,040
Speaker 3: for it? So I'll have them like talk to their

1183
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:24,440
Speaker 3: inner child. Yeah, and have a conversation with the inner child.

1184
01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:26,000
Speaker 3: And that can help some people too.

1185
01:03:26,120 --> 01:03:30,680
Speaker 1: So if somebody in your office says, listen, I've been negative.

1186
01:03:30,680 --> 01:03:31,600
Speaker 2: I can't get out of it.

1187
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:35,400
Speaker 1: And I feel like some of this is my mom

1188
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:38,800
Speaker 1: used to just criticize me on everything. Yeah, and I

1189
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:41,280
Speaker 1: feel like some of this stuff is carried over in

1190
01:03:41,360 --> 01:03:42,600
Speaker 1: my adult life.

1191
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:44,600
Speaker 2: I got to get rid of it. How do I

1192
01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:45,000
Speaker 2: do it?

1193
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:45,600
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1194
01:03:45,760 --> 01:03:49,000
Speaker 3: In that case, I would say, let's talk to the

1195
01:03:49,440 --> 01:03:52,960
Speaker 3: inner child as your adult self. So let's imagine that

1196
01:03:53,000 --> 01:03:55,080
Speaker 3: they're sitting in a chair in this office with us

1197
01:03:55,120 --> 01:03:57,960
Speaker 3: right now. Yeah, and I want you to ask them

1198
01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:01,280
Speaker 3: to tell you what it is that the thoughts are,

1199
01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:04,240
Speaker 3: and then I want you to respond to them in

1200
01:04:04,280 --> 01:04:07,040
Speaker 3: a way that you needed to hear, what you give

1201
01:04:07,080 --> 01:04:09,320
Speaker 3: yourself what you needed to hear back then that you

1202
01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:10,439
Speaker 3: get Oh.

1203
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:12,040
Speaker 2: That that makes my heart right.

1204
01:04:12,120 --> 01:04:16,880
Speaker 1: I mean, because you do have to parent yourself to yourself.

1205
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:19,360
Speaker 1: You do it's it's you have to be your mother,

1206
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:21,040
Speaker 1: you have to be your father, you have to be

1207
01:04:21,080 --> 01:04:23,560
Speaker 1: your sister, you have to be your daughter. You have

1208
01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:26,800
Speaker 1: to and it really is having your own back. And

1209
01:04:26,840 --> 01:04:29,760
Speaker 1: that's a great example of doing that right there. Yeah,

1210
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:33,040
Speaker 1: that's right, that's fantastic. When we come back, and please

1211
01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:35,440
Speaker 1: feel free to join in the conversation five one, three,

1212
01:04:35,520 --> 01:04:37,720
Speaker 1: four ninety seven thousand. I know some of you are

1213
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:39,920
Speaker 1: calling in and I haven't gotten a chance to, but

1214
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,840
Speaker 1: please call back. We have one more hour on the show,

1215
01:04:43,320 --> 01:04:45,720
Speaker 1: and what we're going to talk about in the eleven

1216
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:50,800
Speaker 1: o'clock hour is really crazy statistics about women twenty five

1217
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:54,360
Speaker 1: point fifty four and being single by choice. We're going

1218
01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:58,400
Speaker 1: to talk about are you happy being single? Do you

1219
01:04:58,600 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 1: want to get into a relate reationship in twenty twenty six?

1220
01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:05,800
Speaker 1: Is your relationship working now? And what are you doing

1221
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:09,600
Speaker 1: to support that? So coming back a lot to get

1222
01:05:09,600 --> 01:05:13,520
Speaker 1: into in the eleven o'clock hour, Russ Jackson producing, We've

1223
01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:16,880
Speaker 1: got news and weather coming up. The Bengals tomorrow against

1224
01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,160
Speaker 1: Arizona one pm A pay Corp. It's gonna be a

1225
01:05:19,200 --> 01:05:22,240
Speaker 1: good game and it's gonna be warm. Almost seventy degrees.

1226
01:05:22,680 --> 01:05:28,360
Speaker 1: Donna d doctor Wes is WLW, Cincinnati. Well, no, I

1227
01:05:28,400 --> 01:05:30,800
Speaker 1: think men taking care of their And he had just said,

1228
01:05:30,840 --> 01:05:33,000
Speaker 1: I'm not going to your yoga class because my feet

1229
01:05:33,040 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 1: are so ugly. Well, go get a pedicure, go get

1230
01:05:36,560 --> 01:05:38,680
Speaker 1: get some help with that. Why are you gonna lose

1231
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:39,400
Speaker 1: your man card?

1232
01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:41,800
Speaker 4: Right? Yeah?

1233
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:42,640
Speaker 2: Is it stereo?

1234
01:05:42,920 --> 01:05:49,000
Speaker 3: It's stereotypical gender role, it's gender role typing. It's prescriptiveness

1235
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:51,880
Speaker 3: that men are supposed to do these things and men

1236
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:55,520
Speaker 3: are not supposed to do these things. And if you do, then,

1237
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:59,080
Speaker 3: as that individual said, they're gonna pull the man card

1238
01:05:59,600 --> 01:06:02,600
Speaker 3: from that person. So yeah, it's we have to broad

1239
01:06:02,920 --> 01:06:05,040
Speaker 3: the gender role a little bit and say that it's

1240
01:06:05,120 --> 01:06:07,400
Speaker 3: okay for me emotion.

1241
01:06:07,640 --> 01:06:08,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's okay.

1242
01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:13,760
Speaker 1: I personally love when men show emotion.

1243
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:18,800
Speaker 2: It's it's it's foreign to me when they don't.

1244
01:06:19,040 --> 01:06:23,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I and and really I don't know

1245
01:06:23,800 --> 01:06:29,280
Speaker 1: if it's me being you know, comfortable with men, asking

1246
01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:32,400
Speaker 1: questions with them, and you know, because they show emotion

1247
01:06:32,520 --> 01:06:35,560
Speaker 1: to me, I don't see too many men that are

1248
01:06:35,720 --> 01:06:39,360
Speaker 1: just stone cold, and I think they want to be

1249
01:06:39,640 --> 01:06:40,840
Speaker 1: emotional creatures.

1250
01:06:41,440 --> 01:06:42,720
Speaker 2: They want to let it out.

1251
01:06:43,120 --> 01:06:47,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course they do we all have emotions because

1252
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:50,400
Speaker 3: that's our barometer for we have to That's the way

1253
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:53,840
Speaker 3: we keep ourselves alive, right, is by our feelings, right,

1254
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:56,720
Speaker 3: which then tell our brains what to do and and

1255
01:06:56,720 --> 01:07:00,320
Speaker 3: and so. But Yeah, the Surgeon General into twenty twenty

1256
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 3: three a formerly identified loneliness and social isolation as a

1257
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:08,440
Speaker 3: public health crisis, and middle aged and older men report

1258
01:07:08,480 --> 01:07:12,000
Speaker 3: steeper declines in friendships than women, And.

1259
01:07:11,920 --> 01:07:13,480
Speaker 2: So I would agree with that.

1260
01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:17,720
Speaker 1: I would agree that men really need to work hard

1261
01:07:18,040 --> 01:07:23,360
Speaker 1: at finding close relationships and they have to trust other guys.

1262
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:27,720
Speaker 1: There's plenty of guys that do that, that support people

1263
01:07:27,800 --> 01:07:29,640
Speaker 1: in men's groups and things like that.

1264
01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:32,840
Speaker 2: If I was a younger guy, I would search.

1265
01:07:32,600 --> 01:07:37,400
Speaker 1: Out mentors and men groups and people that are positive

1266
01:07:37,520 --> 01:07:40,920
Speaker 1: role models in your church or your community that are

1267
01:07:40,960 --> 01:07:44,480
Speaker 1: going to support a loving, open hearted.

1268
01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:45,840
Speaker 2: Relationship with a man.

1269
01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:47,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree.

1270
01:07:47,200 --> 01:07:48,440
Speaker 2: I think that is really important.

1271
01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:52,560
Speaker 1: Okay, back to the stats of by twenty thirty, nearly

1272
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,240
Speaker 1: fifty percent of women twenty five to forty five, according

1273
01:07:56,240 --> 01:08:00,200
Speaker 1: to Morgan Stanley, will be single by choice forty five

1274
01:08:00,200 --> 01:08:03,720
Speaker 1: to fifty five percent. There's four reasons for that, one

1275
01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:07,840
Speaker 1: of them changing social attitudes. So a rising share of

1276
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:10,440
Speaker 1: women report that marriage is not essential.

1277
01:08:10,080 --> 01:08:11,280
Speaker 2: For a fulfilling life.

1278
01:08:11,560 --> 01:08:15,680
Speaker 1: Surveys show that nearly half women don't see marriages as essential,

1279
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:23,040
Speaker 1: and they would prefer to.

1280
01:08:20,479 --> 01:08:22,400
Speaker 2: Get careers early on.

1281
01:08:22,960 --> 01:08:25,439
Speaker 1: They're not saying marriage is out of the question, but

1282
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:27,679
Speaker 1: they want to get their careers going first.

1283
01:08:28,120 --> 01:08:30,960
Speaker 2: That's the first thing. Economic independence.

1284
01:08:31,080 --> 01:08:34,839
Speaker 1: A lot more women are in the workforce, they're getting

1285
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:43,440
Speaker 1: higher education, and they're gaining greater financial autonomy versus prior generations,

1286
01:08:44,400 --> 01:08:48,120
Speaker 1: so it reduces the economic pressure to marry a man.

1287
01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:52,479
Speaker 2: So that's number two. Delayed family formation.

1288
01:08:52,600 --> 01:08:55,519
Speaker 1: The median age of a first marriage has steadily increased

1289
01:08:55,560 --> 01:08:59,160
Speaker 1: over decades. More women are choosing to delay childbirth or

1290
01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:04,480
Speaker 1: remain child free, often citing career goals and economic pressures

1291
01:09:04,600 --> 01:09:08,120
Speaker 1: or lifestyle choices. And then the final one is the

1292
01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:13,599
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics. Some women report frustration with modern dating norms

1293
01:09:14,160 --> 01:09:20,000
Speaker 1: and evolving expectations about emotional availability, equality, and partnership dynamics.

1294
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:24,800
Speaker 1: So they're they're seeing, Hey, my parents' marriage didn't work out,

1295
01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:28,679
Speaker 1: and my aunt's marriage didn't work out, and my sister's

1296
01:09:28,680 --> 01:09:31,320
Speaker 1: marriage didn't work out. I'm gonna wait and I'm gonna

1297
01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:34,400
Speaker 1: put all my eggs in this basket in terms of

1298
01:09:34,479 --> 01:09:38,840
Speaker 1: my career and making myself financially responsible. That's where this

1299
01:09:38,920 --> 01:09:42,920
Speaker 1: is coming from. Let's go to Michael from Sydney and

1300
01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:45,120
Speaker 1: find out why males feel.

1301
01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:47,519
Speaker 2: The same way they do. Michael, you're on with Donna Dan,

1302
01:09:47,640 --> 01:09:50,400
Speaker 2: doctor West. What what what do you say about all this?

1303
01:09:52,600 --> 01:10:04,559
Speaker 1: Well, it's my Hey, hey Michael, for some reason, we're

1304
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:05,200
Speaker 1: not getting you.

1305
01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:06,040
Speaker 2: You're breaking up.

1306
01:10:10,120 --> 01:10:10,599
Speaker 5: Hear me out?

1307
01:10:11,360 --> 01:10:15,000
Speaker 2: Uh, sort of keep going and if we do, you

1308
01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:23,840
Speaker 2: might have to. Are you on a bluetooth? Oh that's better, Michael,

1309
01:10:23,880 --> 01:10:24,439
Speaker 2: Can you hear me?

1310
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 1: Yes? Okay, go ahead. Uh oh boy, I'm sorry, Michael.

1311
01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:36,920
Speaker 1: Try and call back when you're in a better service area.

1312
01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:40,160
Speaker 1: For some reason, we're not picking you up. You're going

1313
01:10:40,200 --> 01:10:44,160
Speaker 1: in and out. And I do want to hear because

1314
01:10:44,400 --> 01:10:48,040
Speaker 1: it's it's about the male population, and I do want

1315
01:10:48,040 --> 01:10:50,400
Speaker 1: to hear your comments. See if you can call back

1316
01:10:51,520 --> 01:10:54,439
Speaker 1: in a better a better zone here.

1317
01:10:55,160 --> 01:10:56,120
Speaker 2: Uh So, So.

1318
01:10:58,600 --> 01:11:02,920
Speaker 1: If women are able to support themselves and they feel

1319
01:11:02,920 --> 01:11:07,560
Speaker 1: like the twenty five forty five range is going to

1320
01:11:07,600 --> 01:11:11,120
Speaker 1: be their highest career potential earnings and they're going to

1321
01:11:11,160 --> 01:11:13,840
Speaker 1: they're getting out of college and they.

1322
01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:14,439
Speaker 2: Just want to go for work.

1323
01:11:14,760 --> 01:11:19,559
Speaker 1: What does that do to society in terms of I mean,

1324
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:24,040
Speaker 1: I mean, I know that we have eight billion people

1325
01:11:24,360 --> 01:11:26,600
Speaker 1: on the planet, and I know Elon Musk this is

1326
01:11:26,640 --> 01:11:28,000
Speaker 1: a big thing he worries.

1327
01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:28,519
Speaker 2: About all the time.

1328
01:11:28,720 --> 01:11:33,120
Speaker 1: Is is population control and how people how we're going

1329
01:11:33,200 --> 01:11:35,200
Speaker 1: to be You know, there's not going to be any

1330
01:11:35,560 --> 01:11:38,600
Speaker 1: humans left on the planet if we don't continue to procreate.

1331
01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:40,960
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on this.

1332
01:11:41,840 --> 01:11:45,759
Speaker 3: Well, I think that I, as you were talking, Donna,

1333
01:11:46,400 --> 01:11:51,080
Speaker 3: the reason why I at least a contributing factor for

1334
01:11:51,200 --> 01:11:54,960
Speaker 3: why I think women are going to be single is

1335
01:11:55,200 --> 01:11:55,880
Speaker 3: man keeping.

1336
01:11:56,120 --> 01:11:57,400
Speaker 4: You remember me bringing this up.

1337
01:11:57,320 --> 01:11:59,080
Speaker 2: To you, Yes, I do.

1338
01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:04,320
Speaker 3: Man Keeping describes the emotional and social labor that women

1339
01:12:04,520 --> 01:12:10,480
Speaker 3: often perform in heterosexual relationships, acting as therapists, social directors,

1340
01:12:10,479 --> 01:12:14,599
Speaker 3: and life coaches for their male partners, stemming from a

1341
01:12:14,680 --> 01:12:20,360
Speaker 3: male friendship recession where men lack deep male bonds. So

1342
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:25,240
Speaker 3: I think that women are just they're tired of having

1343
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:30,080
Speaker 3: to compensate for the lack of social, emotional, and relational

1344
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:33,439
Speaker 3: skills that men have. It's the result though, of I

1345
01:12:33,439 --> 01:12:38,720
Speaker 3: think generations of us not cultivating those skills in men, right,

1346
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:42,000
Speaker 3: and so we're just having to now pay the piper

1347
01:12:42,040 --> 01:12:44,040
Speaker 3: on that, right, And so it's what do I think

1348
01:12:44,040 --> 01:12:46,240
Speaker 3: it's going to do to society. I think that it's

1349
01:12:46,240 --> 01:12:49,200
Speaker 3: going to create more of a more of an egalitarian

1350
01:12:49,280 --> 01:12:52,439
Speaker 3: or an equal footing, you know, even more so than

1351
01:12:52,760 --> 01:12:57,559
Speaker 3: than I think it's can possibly be a good thing.

1352
01:12:57,560 --> 01:12:58,360
Speaker 3: What do you think, Donna?

1353
01:12:58,760 --> 01:13:05,040
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I'm not exactly sure how to feel

1354
01:13:05,040 --> 01:13:08,360
Speaker 1: about this stat because, well, first of all, you know,

1355
01:13:08,439 --> 01:13:11,800
Speaker 1: I'm fifty six and I was married, happily married. We've

1356
01:13:11,840 --> 01:13:14,960
Speaker 1: talked about that, but I chose not to have kids,

1357
01:13:15,840 --> 01:13:18,760
Speaker 1: and that's very I mean, I have four sisters and

1358
01:13:18,800 --> 01:13:21,360
Speaker 1: they all have they all have kids, and they all

1359
01:13:21,400 --> 01:13:26,960
Speaker 1: have grandkids, and so my choice is very different from

1360
01:13:27,040 --> 01:13:31,800
Speaker 1: what society taught all of us. Right, and I was

1361
01:13:31,840 --> 01:13:34,519
Speaker 1: in a happy marriage. I could have absolutely had a

1362
01:13:34,640 --> 01:13:40,280
Speaker 1: child at any time. So the fact that women are

1363
01:13:40,360 --> 01:13:45,360
Speaker 1: moving towards not wanting to have children and not wanting

1364
01:13:45,360 --> 01:13:47,879
Speaker 1: to get married is going to be the flip.

1365
01:13:48,200 --> 01:13:49,639
Speaker 2: So I will be.

1366
01:13:51,960 --> 01:13:55,000
Speaker 1: I'm now the minority, and I will be the majority

1367
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:56,200
Speaker 1: by twenty thirty.

1368
01:13:56,240 --> 01:13:59,200
Speaker 3: That seems I see either your question. Now, yeah, that's

1369
01:13:59,240 --> 01:14:03,400
Speaker 3: concerning then well procreation and and keeping the planet going

1370
01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:06,439
Speaker 3: for sure, But also I think I was coming at

1371
01:14:06,479 --> 01:14:09,360
Speaker 3: it from more of a feminist perspective, more of like

1372
01:14:09,400 --> 01:14:13,800
Speaker 3: a this is good that women are continuing to differentiate,

1373
01:14:14,160 --> 01:14:14,400
Speaker 3: you know.

1374
01:14:14,479 --> 01:14:19,280
Speaker 1: And I get that, and I do agree that. Listen, nobody, uh,

1375
01:14:19,320 --> 01:14:21,160
Speaker 1: And there is such a thing as man keeping.

1376
01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:22,080
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

1377
01:14:22,200 --> 01:14:25,360
Speaker 1: You're you're their therapist, you're their best friend, you're their

1378
01:14:25,920 --> 01:14:30,680
Speaker 1: their spouse, you're there sometimes mom, you're their financial abors.

1379
01:14:30,800 --> 01:14:34,759
Speaker 1: I mean, there's there's everything because guys don't have friends

1380
01:14:34,800 --> 01:14:39,639
Speaker 1: like women do most men, so the woman becomes everything

1381
01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:41,840
Speaker 1: to this one guy, and it's exhausting and it's like,

1382
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:45,160
Speaker 1: and I'm not to be honest, My husband was like

1383
01:14:45,200 --> 01:14:48,639
Speaker 1: that too, and I used to invite him everywhere I went,

1384
01:14:48,720 --> 01:14:50,920
Speaker 1: including with all my girlfriends, and I'm like, why is

1385
01:14:50,960 --> 01:14:53,679
Speaker 1: my husband the only one here? I mean, like why

1386
01:14:54,400 --> 01:14:56,920
Speaker 1: why would he want to go either? Because I was

1387
01:14:56,920 --> 01:15:00,479
Speaker 1: his social outlet and he didn't have you know, he

1388
01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:03,479
Speaker 1: didn't keep up with a bunch of his friends because

1389
01:15:03,920 --> 01:15:07,080
Speaker 1: when he had me, he just kind of left everybody behind.

1390
01:15:07,120 --> 01:15:09,639
Speaker 1: And I used to say, why aren't you Why don't

1391
01:15:09,680 --> 01:15:12,280
Speaker 1: you have You used to have all these friends, Why

1392
01:15:12,360 --> 01:15:13,200
Speaker 1: are where are they?

1393
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:14,360
Speaker 2: What happened?

1394
01:15:14,360 --> 01:15:17,040
Speaker 1: You got to continue your friendships you can't just get

1395
01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:19,040
Speaker 1: married and then leave all your friends behind you.

1396
01:15:19,200 --> 01:15:22,360
Speaker 3: That's what I did. That's exactly what I did. And

1397
01:15:22,400 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 3: then why do you guys do that? And my fifteen

1398
01:15:25,400 --> 01:15:28,559
Speaker 3: year marriage ended, and now I'm like, I gotta go

1399
01:15:28,600 --> 01:15:32,000
Speaker 3: find friends. Yeah, I can't just work all the time.

1400
01:15:32,040 --> 01:15:33,439
Speaker 3: That's not healthy, no.

1401
01:15:33,840 --> 01:15:39,840
Speaker 1: Right, And so so that is so interesting and I'm

1402
01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:42,120
Speaker 1: just looking at that for the first time. I mean,

1403
01:15:42,520 --> 01:15:46,639
Speaker 1: like remembering how hard that was as a as a woman,

1404
01:15:47,200 --> 01:15:50,160
Speaker 1: and being his social social network too.

1405
01:15:50,560 --> 01:15:52,599
Speaker 3: I think if you called up my ex wife, she'd

1406
01:15:52,640 --> 01:15:54,519
Speaker 3: probably say she was she felt like she was man

1407
01:15:54,640 --> 01:15:55,120
Speaker 3: keeping me.

1408
01:15:55,439 --> 01:15:56,400
Speaker 4: She probably felt like that.

1409
01:15:56,560 --> 01:15:58,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, and would you agree with her?

1410
01:15:58,720 --> 01:15:58,920
Speaker 5: Yeah?

1411
01:15:58,960 --> 01:15:59,360
Speaker 4: I would.

1412
01:15:59,920 --> 01:16:03,320
Speaker 3: I would, yeah, because I was raised up in that.

1413
01:16:04,800 --> 01:16:07,320
Speaker 3: I was raised up with a dominant mother. My dad

1414
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:09,720
Speaker 3: was outside the home, he was the you know, he

1415
01:16:09,800 --> 01:16:12,599
Speaker 3: was working two jobs to keep things going for us.

1416
01:16:13,560 --> 01:16:15,680
Speaker 3: You know, my mom was working inside the home and

1417
01:16:15,800 --> 01:16:19,559
Speaker 3: outside the home. But my mom was my primary parent

1418
01:16:19,760 --> 01:16:24,800
Speaker 3: growing up. And so I think that may have something

1419
01:16:24,840 --> 01:16:27,200
Speaker 3: to do with it too. Who was the primary parent

1420
01:16:27,360 --> 01:16:30,680
Speaker 3: growing up? For people, for men in particular, and they

1421
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:31,240
Speaker 3: kind and.

1422
01:16:31,200 --> 01:16:35,000
Speaker 1: Who you relate to more, and and and and and

1423
01:16:35,120 --> 01:16:37,920
Speaker 1: the roles that you take on. If you were a mom,

1424
01:16:38,080 --> 01:16:40,040
Speaker 1: if you were closer to your mom, you might get

1425
01:16:40,040 --> 01:16:42,320
Speaker 1: a little bit more of the feminine energy and then

1426
01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:45,240
Speaker 1: carry that into your adult life. And if you were

1427
01:16:45,280 --> 01:16:48,080
Speaker 1: the dad, you might have the sports, the rugged, the

1428
01:16:48,840 --> 01:16:51,800
Speaker 1: don't cry, don't emotion kind of a thing, and keep

1429
01:16:51,840 --> 01:16:54,400
Speaker 1: all your friends and do you know all that stuff.

1430
01:16:54,240 --> 01:16:57,160
Speaker 2: When you give all your power away.

1431
01:16:57,640 --> 01:17:03,320
Speaker 1: It's it's there's a danger of one relationship carrying too

1432
01:17:03,439 --> 01:17:08,400
Speaker 1: much emotional weight. Yes, And when you put all your

1433
01:17:08,479 --> 01:17:12,599
Speaker 1: eggs in one basket, yep, and which I did. Yeah,

1434
01:17:12,960 --> 01:17:16,880
Speaker 1: I mean when you do that, there is a sense

1435
01:17:17,160 --> 01:17:24,880
Speaker 1: of scared, scarcity, safety, all kinds of stuff.

1436
01:17:24,920 --> 01:17:25,720
Speaker 2: Can you speak on.

1437
01:17:25,720 --> 01:17:26,519
Speaker 4: That, sure?

1438
01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:28,519
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean when you put all your eggs in

1439
01:17:28,560 --> 01:17:33,080
Speaker 3: one basket, then it increases the fear I think response,

1440
01:17:33,360 --> 01:17:38,280
Speaker 3: the anxiety response. The weight is heavy on this person

1441
01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:43,839
Speaker 3: because now they have to be the emotional and social laborer.

1442
01:17:44,000 --> 01:17:45,880
Speaker 3: That's really what I think that I that I found

1443
01:17:45,920 --> 01:17:48,960
Speaker 3: most interesting about mankeeping. So they have to take care

1444
01:17:49,000 --> 01:17:51,040
Speaker 3: of your emotions, they have to take care of your

1445
01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:52,519
Speaker 3: social caw much pressure.

1446
01:17:52,560 --> 01:17:53,439
Speaker 4: It's too much pressure.

1447
01:17:53,560 --> 01:17:55,400
Speaker 2: It's too much pressure, it's too much weight.

1448
01:17:55,760 --> 01:17:58,360
Speaker 3: And then they become what I hear in my practice

1449
01:17:58,400 --> 01:17:59,960
Speaker 3: a lot. I have a lot of women that can

1450
01:18:00,200 --> 01:18:02,719
Speaker 3: in and say I feel like I have a third child.

1451
01:18:03,120 --> 01:18:07,360
Speaker 3: Oh my husband is my third child or my fourth child.

1452
01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:11,160
Speaker 1: Definitely not what you want to have. Let's get to Michael,

1453
01:18:11,200 --> 01:18:14,560
Speaker 1: because Michael is back. Michael, we can hear you. Hopefully

1454
01:18:15,560 --> 01:18:18,479
Speaker 1: you want to talk about how many? What about the

1455
01:18:18,520 --> 01:18:19,960
Speaker 1: man thing that we're talking about?

1456
01:18:22,200 --> 01:18:25,600
Speaker 7: Yeah, I just I heard a little bit because it

1457
01:18:25,760 --> 01:18:29,639
Speaker 7: was cutting in and out. Yeah, So basically you're saying

1458
01:18:29,680 --> 01:18:40,479
Speaker 7: that the man, he's a woman mostly financially security wise.

1459
01:18:42,479 --> 01:18:46,080
Speaker 6: No, so women's second fourth child.

1460
01:18:46,920 --> 01:18:49,679
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you kind of getting bits and pieces here.

1461
01:18:50,000 --> 01:18:54,559
Speaker 1: So what we're saying is that women in twenty thirty

1462
01:18:54,760 --> 01:18:57,760
Speaker 1: are going to be more focused on their career than

1463
01:18:57,800 --> 01:19:02,559
Speaker 1: getting married with children between the ages of twenty five

1464
01:19:02,600 --> 01:19:06,080
Speaker 1: to forty four or forty five. That's the discussion and

1465
01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:10,479
Speaker 1: why is that happening? And doctor West suggested that there

1466
01:19:10,640 --> 01:19:19,400
Speaker 1: is something called man keeping where you're basically everything to

1467
01:19:19,479 --> 01:19:23,320
Speaker 1: the man. You're his wife, you're his social network, you're

1468
01:19:23,360 --> 01:19:27,640
Speaker 1: his therapist, you're his everything, and there is such a

1469
01:19:27,640 --> 01:19:28,280
Speaker 1: thing as that.

1470
01:19:28,800 --> 01:19:30,240
Speaker 2: Do you agree, Michael.

1471
01:19:33,479 --> 01:19:34,839
Speaker 7: Cowboys been the opposite?

1472
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:39,920
Speaker 6: Okay, the woman to keep her.

1473
01:19:39,960 --> 01:19:40,680
Speaker 7: I guess.

1474
01:19:42,560 --> 01:19:45,519
Speaker 1: Okay, so you pay you, you take care of your

1475
01:19:45,600 --> 01:19:49,240
Speaker 1: woman financially, and do you support her socially?

1476
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:51,640
Speaker 2: Do you have all the friends and things like that?

1477
01:19:53,439 --> 01:19:53,719
Speaker 7: Well?

1478
01:19:53,760 --> 01:19:57,320
Speaker 2: I did, and what happened.

1479
01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:01,519
Speaker 7: Well I had a letter just because of the same

1480
01:20:01,560 --> 01:20:03,200
Speaker 7: reason why you're saying it.

1481
01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:07,559
Speaker 1: Was it exhausting for you to be everything to one person?

1482
01:20:09,080 --> 01:20:09,800
Speaker 7: Absolutely?

1483
01:20:10,080 --> 01:20:13,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what we're talking about. So is it so

1484
01:20:14,000 --> 01:20:17,679
Speaker 1: in your relationship were you married? Was it your wife?

1485
01:20:18,920 --> 01:20:20,200
Speaker 7: She was my fiance?

1486
01:20:20,560 --> 01:20:25,120
Speaker 6: Okay, my first wife was exhausting also, okay.

1487
01:20:24,840 --> 01:20:27,200
Speaker 2: So is this a pattern for him? Doctor West?

1488
01:20:27,320 --> 01:20:29,879
Speaker 4: Yeah? Absolutely? Yeah, Yeah.

1489
01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:32,080
Speaker 1: Why do you feel the need, Michael to take care

1490
01:20:32,120 --> 01:20:34,360
Speaker 1: of these women and then you end up getting so

1491
01:20:34,520 --> 01:20:35,920
Speaker 1: exhausted about it?

1492
01:20:38,400 --> 01:20:40,360
Speaker 7: Well, I haven't done that for a year.

1493
01:20:40,479 --> 01:20:40,759
Speaker 5: Now.

1494
01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:43,040
Speaker 7: Are you to take care of myself?

1495
01:20:43,520 --> 01:20:45,800
Speaker 4: Good? Good?

1496
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:47,280
Speaker 7: Yeah?

1497
01:20:47,960 --> 01:20:48,680
Speaker 4: How are you doing that?

1498
01:20:50,960 --> 01:20:51,080
Speaker 5: Uh?

1499
01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:55,280
Speaker 7: Just working out, going to work, good, hanging up with

1500
01:20:55,280 --> 01:21:01,960
Speaker 7: my family, my two wonderful dollars, my great grandchild, not

1501
01:21:02,080 --> 01:21:04,920
Speaker 7: great grandchild, but grandchild, right right?

1502
01:21:06,360 --> 01:21:07,759
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1503
01:21:07,800 --> 01:21:10,240
Speaker 1: Well, Michael, thank you for the call, and I appreciate it.

1504
01:21:10,280 --> 01:21:12,960
Speaker 1: So you're happy being single? Because that's the question we're

1505
01:21:12,960 --> 01:21:16,919
Speaker 1: going to ask everybody right now. Are you happy being single?

1506
01:21:17,200 --> 01:21:20,200
Speaker 1: Or do you want to meet somebody in twenty twenty

1507
01:21:20,280 --> 01:21:22,680
Speaker 1: six and have the greatest love affair.

1508
01:21:24,280 --> 01:21:26,639
Speaker 7: That would take a miracle.

1509
01:21:29,240 --> 01:21:31,680
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty six might bring it. Michael, thank you for

1510
01:21:31,760 --> 01:21:35,080
Speaker 1: calling back. We appreciate the call. Happy New Year. So

1511
01:21:35,560 --> 01:21:39,240
Speaker 1: do you care about being single? Are you happy being single?

1512
01:21:39,479 --> 01:21:42,880
Speaker 1: Is it something that you prefer to be single then

1513
01:21:42,960 --> 01:21:48,040
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship right now? Currently, we're talking

1514
01:21:48,040 --> 01:21:51,920
Speaker 1: about ending relationships in twenty twenty five because those that

1515
01:21:51,960 --> 01:21:54,320
Speaker 1: were not serving us, those that were fear based, those

1516
01:21:54,320 --> 01:21:57,200
Speaker 1: were attachment based. Twenty twenty six is the year the

1517
01:21:57,240 --> 01:21:59,960
Speaker 1: horse that's bringing in all new energy and all new

1518
01:22:00,200 --> 01:22:01,440
Speaker 1: love based relationships.

1519
01:22:01,439 --> 01:22:02,000
Speaker 2: Give us a call.

1520
01:22:02,080 --> 01:22:05,120
Speaker 1: Five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight hundred,

1521
01:22:05,200 --> 01:22:08,000
Speaker 1: the Big One. We have one more segment left. It's

1522
01:22:08,080 --> 01:22:12,360
Speaker 1: Donna d and Doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. There

1523
01:22:12,479 --> 01:22:18,320
Speaker 1: was somebody that won a million dollars in Ohio. I

1524
01:22:18,400 --> 01:22:20,160
Speaker 1: do have my power Ball tickets, so I'm gonna have

1525
01:22:20,160 --> 01:22:22,680
Speaker 1: to check on that. But he's right. So if you're

1526
01:22:22,720 --> 01:22:25,240
Speaker 1: asking why is this happening to me, you're in the

1527
01:22:25,360 --> 01:22:30,160
Speaker 1: victim role. If you're asking what can I learn from it?

1528
01:22:30,760 --> 01:22:32,640
Speaker 1: You become powerful.

1529
01:22:32,160 --> 01:22:33,840
Speaker 2: And that's a really big deal.

1530
01:22:33,840 --> 01:22:38,280
Speaker 1: And Wes, we were talking earlier about aligning right your

1531
01:22:38,320 --> 01:22:41,280
Speaker 1: personality with your soul because even when you're negative, and

1532
01:22:41,320 --> 01:22:44,320
Speaker 1: he said the mind is negative, and I agree with him.

1533
01:22:44,760 --> 01:22:46,280
Speaker 2: The mind is very useful tool.

1534
01:22:46,439 --> 01:22:48,960
Speaker 1: We just overuse it and because we overuse it, it

1535
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:52,480
Speaker 1: gets negative. And you had a term for it and protecting.

1536
01:22:52,880 --> 01:22:55,680
Speaker 1: We're used to protecting ourselves and things like that. But

1537
01:22:55,800 --> 01:23:00,360
Speaker 1: when you ask yourself before you comment on any body

1538
01:23:00,640 --> 01:23:05,320
Speaker 1: or you or you make reply to somebody, and you

1539
01:23:05,920 --> 01:23:11,080
Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I aligned with what I really want

1540
01:23:11,120 --> 01:23:11,519
Speaker 1: to say?

1541
01:23:11,840 --> 01:23:12,120
Speaker 4: Yes?

1542
01:23:13,040 --> 01:23:16,519
Speaker 3: And intentionality right would be the word I would put.

1543
01:23:16,439 --> 01:23:16,920
Speaker 2: On that right.

1544
01:23:17,200 --> 01:23:20,400
Speaker 1: So if you if you say, you know, I feel

1545
01:23:20,400 --> 01:23:23,639
Speaker 1: like I'm aligned with all the good things about myself

1546
01:23:23,640 --> 01:23:26,479
Speaker 1: and how I want to respond, you just feel better

1547
01:23:26,479 --> 01:23:29,639
Speaker 1: about everything. And it's almost as if you don't really

1548
01:23:29,800 --> 01:23:33,080
Speaker 1: care what the other people other person says or does

1549
01:23:33,160 --> 01:23:36,320
Speaker 1: because you can handle it. It's a there's a there's

1550
01:23:36,360 --> 01:23:40,920
Speaker 1: a level of trust that comes with yourself when you

1551
01:23:41,080 --> 01:23:44,960
Speaker 1: don't react to what other people are doing, you respond.

1552
01:23:45,080 --> 01:23:48,280
Speaker 2: Let's get to Wayne on a Dayton. Hi, Wayne, how

1553
01:23:48,320 --> 01:23:51,000
Speaker 2: are you? You're on with Dunnade and doctor Wes. How's

1554
01:23:51,040 --> 01:23:51,759
Speaker 2: it going tonight?

1555
01:23:52,640 --> 01:23:58,240
Speaker 5: Hey, pretty good? Pretty good? Two things on that. I

1556
01:23:58,280 --> 01:24:01,840
Speaker 5: think most of us are going to go through life

1557
01:24:01,880 --> 01:24:05,800
Speaker 5: better if you have a partner married, therefore, that you

1558
01:24:05,840 --> 01:24:09,720
Speaker 5: can count on because things change, people get sick, to

1559
01:24:09,840 --> 01:24:13,479
Speaker 5: go to the hospital for maybe six months or a year,

1560
01:24:13,920 --> 01:24:17,360
Speaker 5: they have another problem, or one of them gets fired.

1561
01:24:18,000 --> 01:24:20,880
Speaker 5: And even if it's the woman that's making the big money,

1562
01:24:20,920 --> 01:24:26,480
Speaker 5: the man should still structure himself up so he can

1563
01:24:27,120 --> 01:24:32,040
Speaker 5: by education and by preparation for a job if he

1564
01:24:32,160 --> 01:24:36,320
Speaker 5: has to take over. Yes, because you get enough surprises

1565
01:24:36,360 --> 01:24:39,640
Speaker 5: in life. Things happen no matter how darn good and

1566
01:24:39,760 --> 01:24:43,599
Speaker 5: how much money you make, you get surprises you got.

1567
01:24:43,880 --> 01:24:47,519
Speaker 5: And besides being organized and good, you've got to have

1568
01:24:47,560 --> 01:24:50,839
Speaker 5: a certain amount of luck. Kind of like a basketball player.

1569
01:24:51,240 --> 01:24:53,519
Speaker 5: He's okay as long as he doesn't fall down on

1570
01:24:53,560 --> 01:24:56,759
Speaker 5: the floor and break his leg for the next year

1571
01:24:56,960 --> 01:25:00,600
Speaker 5: or for the rest of his life. You need that

1572
01:25:00,800 --> 01:25:05,880
Speaker 5: support element from two people. And even if one is

1573
01:25:05,880 --> 01:25:09,559
Speaker 5: making a lot more money the husband, let's say it's

1574
01:25:09,600 --> 01:25:12,599
Speaker 5: the wife making a lot more money, the husband has

1575
01:25:12,640 --> 01:25:16,599
Speaker 5: to be ready to take over if something should happen

1576
01:25:16,680 --> 01:25:21,200
Speaker 5: to the life, either by education or doing something on

1577
01:25:21,280 --> 01:25:23,920
Speaker 5: the side that he can do it from home to

1578
01:25:23,960 --> 01:25:26,120
Speaker 5: take care of while he's taking care of the children.

1579
01:25:26,360 --> 01:25:30,599
Speaker 1: I love that because Brene Brown always says, nobody's going

1580
01:25:30,680 --> 01:25:33,040
Speaker 1: to be if you're in a relationship, nobody's going to

1581
01:25:33,040 --> 01:25:34,559
Speaker 1: be one hundred percent all the time. It's not one

1582
01:25:34,600 --> 01:25:37,160
Speaker 1: hundred percent and one hundred percent. If you say, listen,

1583
01:25:37,200 --> 01:25:39,200
Speaker 1: I only have twenty percent today, can you pick up

1584
01:25:39,200 --> 01:25:41,400
Speaker 1: the pace because I need your eighty percent?

1585
01:25:41,640 --> 01:25:43,559
Speaker 2: And he's like, well, I only have forty percent.

1586
01:25:43,640 --> 01:25:46,800
Speaker 1: Well, let's try and figure out how we can we

1587
01:25:46,800 --> 01:25:47,960
Speaker 1: can make today.

1588
01:25:47,680 --> 01:25:49,400
Speaker 2: Work with a sixty percent share.

1589
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:53,200
Speaker 1: It's never going to be one hundred percent on one

1590
01:25:53,240 --> 01:25:55,240
Speaker 1: side one hundred percent on the other. You're going to

1591
01:25:55,360 --> 01:25:57,400
Speaker 1: have to have somebody pick up the slack. And if

1592
01:25:57,439 --> 01:26:02,520
Speaker 1: you know that your partner has your back, that's everything,

1593
01:26:02,600 --> 01:26:03,360
Speaker 1: isn't it, Wayne?

1594
01:26:04,360 --> 01:26:10,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, And nothing's guaranteed. Things happen to people in life,

1595
01:26:10,920 --> 01:26:14,719
Speaker 5: whether it's a personality conflict with a big, well paying

1596
01:26:14,840 --> 01:26:20,760
Speaker 5: job that she's got, or get sick or has to

1597
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:25,280
Speaker 5: do something else, or god forbid, the husband can't take

1598
01:26:25,320 --> 01:26:29,080
Speaker 5: care of the kids because he's sick, So got to

1599
01:26:29,080 --> 01:26:31,680
Speaker 5: be prepared, so both of them have to continue to

1600
01:26:31,680 --> 01:26:35,479
Speaker 5: develop themselves if they're going to stay married.

1601
01:26:36,600 --> 01:26:39,280
Speaker 3: So tell me if you're comfortable a little bit about

1602
01:26:39,280 --> 01:26:42,400
Speaker 3: your relationship, how long you've been in your relationship, and

1603
01:26:43,000 --> 01:26:44,240
Speaker 3: how you've kept it going.

1604
01:26:45,400 --> 01:26:51,120
Speaker 5: A long time, by thinking of that person, by sometimes

1605
01:26:51,280 --> 01:26:56,400
Speaker 5: pausing and not responding immediately, about putting some thought into

1606
01:26:56,439 --> 01:27:01,400
Speaker 5: it when she's having difficulty and we've been married a

1607
01:27:01,439 --> 01:27:06,599
Speaker 5: long time, and when she's having difficulty and says something

1608
01:27:06,640 --> 01:27:10,519
Speaker 5: that upsets you, you don't have to respond right away.

1609
01:27:11,520 --> 01:27:14,519
Speaker 5: Write some thought into it before you say something that

1610
01:27:14,560 --> 01:27:17,360
Speaker 5: you're going to make it worse or that you're going

1611
01:27:17,400 --> 01:27:18,160
Speaker 5: to be sorry for it.

1612
01:27:18,520 --> 01:27:21,360
Speaker 1: Man, if that isn't the best advice right there, I mean,

1613
01:27:21,439 --> 01:27:24,400
Speaker 1: give give somebody grace if they're having a bad day

1614
01:27:24,840 --> 01:27:26,880
Speaker 1: and then get you know, look at them in the

1615
01:27:26,880 --> 01:27:30,680
Speaker 1: most positive light when when you know that that's not

1616
01:27:30,840 --> 01:27:34,559
Speaker 1: who they are. They're just they just lashed out. And

1617
01:27:34,640 --> 01:27:37,400
Speaker 1: you don't want to have to be, you know, somebody

1618
01:27:37,439 --> 01:27:39,880
Speaker 1: that lashes back. You want to be the one that says,

1619
01:27:39,960 --> 01:27:43,280
Speaker 1: it's okay, you're all right, I got you, it's all good,

1620
01:27:43,400 --> 01:27:44,439
Speaker 1: don't worry about it.

1621
01:27:45,479 --> 01:27:48,679
Speaker 5: And it's like both of them have jobs to do. Yes,

1622
01:27:48,960 --> 01:27:52,240
Speaker 5: it can be a primary but the other the backup

1623
01:27:52,560 --> 01:27:59,600
Speaker 5: person has to be developing himself too, and but extremely

1624
01:27:59,640 --> 01:28:04,879
Speaker 5: important to have respect for each other and be thoughtful

1625
01:28:04,920 --> 01:28:09,479
Speaker 5: of each other and realize what striving the other person.

1626
01:28:09,840 --> 01:28:10,599
Speaker 5: That kind of thing.

1627
01:28:10,880 --> 01:28:11,400
Speaker 2: I love it.

1628
01:28:11,479 --> 01:28:16,800
Speaker 1: Thoughtful is something that I know that women really appreciate.

1629
01:28:17,360 --> 01:28:18,280
Speaker 2: You're thoughtful.

1630
01:28:18,479 --> 01:28:23,040
Speaker 1: You even just you know, picking flowers or filling her

1631
01:28:23,120 --> 01:28:25,880
Speaker 1: gas saying or opening her card door. I'm telling you,

1632
01:28:25,920 --> 01:28:30,520
Speaker 1: women really do care about that stuff. And if you're thoughtful,

1633
01:28:31,200 --> 01:28:34,320
Speaker 1: it goes a long long way. Thank you so much

1634
01:28:34,400 --> 01:28:35,439
Speaker 1: Wayne for the call.

1635
01:28:35,680 --> 01:28:39,160
Speaker 2: I agree with you. Have a wonderful new year.

1636
01:28:40,120 --> 01:28:40,479
Speaker 5: Thank you.

1637
01:28:40,800 --> 01:28:42,320
Speaker 2: Okay, bye bye.

1638
01:28:43,280 --> 01:28:47,880
Speaker 1: So, if if you can see the long lasting relationships,

1639
01:28:47,920 --> 01:28:52,439
Speaker 1: these men are very caring, they're very thoughtful there. They

1640
01:28:52,520 --> 01:28:56,719
Speaker 1: love their wives, They give each other grace, They communicate well,

1641
01:28:56,760 --> 01:29:00,960
Speaker 1: they don't rush to for you know, if she lashes out,

1642
01:29:01,040 --> 01:29:04,800
Speaker 1: he gives her time and they'll figure it out. These

1643
01:29:04,840 --> 01:29:07,640
Speaker 1: are the things that work for long standing relationships.

1644
01:29:07,680 --> 01:29:12,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a lot of emotional intelligence, right, And the

1645
01:29:12,320 --> 01:29:14,240
Speaker 3: guys that have called in tonight, that's what I love

1646
01:29:14,280 --> 01:29:17,280
Speaker 3: about it is they're they're bringing forth a whole lot

1647
01:29:17,280 --> 01:29:20,840
Speaker 3: of emotional intelligence and that's what's making those relationships work too.

1648
01:29:21,160 --> 01:29:24,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean EI is the new AI. I mean

1649
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:28,320
Speaker 1: maybe maybe not. I'll just make that up. But emotional

1650
01:29:28,400 --> 01:29:33,320
Speaker 1: intelligence is really important, yes, And emotional intelligence is really

1651
01:29:33,520 --> 01:29:34,439
Speaker 1: can you describe it?

1652
01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:38,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's basically it's for me, the way

1653
01:29:38,160 --> 01:29:40,240
Speaker 3: I would describe it to my clients would be, it

1654
01:29:40,320 --> 01:29:42,120
Speaker 3: is the ability for you to be in the present

1655
01:29:42,160 --> 01:29:44,880
Speaker 3: moment and be aware of what you're emotionally feeling, what

1656
01:29:44,880 --> 01:29:47,559
Speaker 3: someone else is feeling, and being able to show up

1657
01:29:47,880 --> 01:29:51,840
Speaker 3: and kind of measure the present moment and take the

1658
01:29:51,840 --> 01:29:55,400
Speaker 3: emotional temperature in the room. Yeah, and be able to affect,

1659
01:29:55,760 --> 01:29:57,480
Speaker 3: you know, be effective.

1660
01:29:57,800 --> 01:29:58,080
Speaker 2: Yes.

1661
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:58,559
Speaker 5: Right.

1662
01:29:58,640 --> 01:30:02,360
Speaker 1: So when we were talking about young men earlier, yeah,

1663
01:30:02,600 --> 01:30:07,240
Speaker 1: and and and we've had some older gentlemen call about being,

1664
01:30:07,479 --> 01:30:09,840
Speaker 1: you know, married for forty or four years, and and

1665
01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:14,200
Speaker 1: and thus, do you think that the younger generation of

1666
01:30:14,320 --> 01:30:18,439
Speaker 1: men have the emotional intelligence that these older men have.

1667
01:30:19,479 --> 01:30:21,799
Speaker 4: I don't think so. Not, not currently.

1668
01:30:22,240 --> 01:30:22,320
Speaker 5: Not.

1669
01:30:22,720 --> 01:30:24,040
Speaker 4: I don't think that there's.

1670
01:30:24,000 --> 01:30:27,960
Speaker 1: Because if all you're seeing is them exhibiting anger, that's

1671
01:30:28,000 --> 01:30:29,280
Speaker 1: not emotional intelligence.

1672
01:30:29,320 --> 01:30:30,559
Speaker 4: No.

1673
01:30:30,560 --> 01:30:33,080
Speaker 2: No, So how do you how do we you know?

1674
01:30:33,400 --> 01:30:37,000
Speaker 1: That seems like a really giant question to ask you,

1675
01:30:37,120 --> 01:30:40,559
Speaker 1: but you know, what are you doing If somebody comes

1676
01:30:40,600 --> 01:30:43,160
Speaker 1: into your office, a young man that says, I'm just

1677
01:30:43,280 --> 01:30:46,439
Speaker 1: angry and that's all I got, how do you handle that?

1678
01:30:46,680 --> 01:30:48,080
Speaker 4: I print off an emotion wheel.

1679
01:30:48,760 --> 01:30:52,080
Speaker 1: Okay, you have seen your emotional wheel. Yeah, it's great. No,

1680
01:30:52,160 --> 01:30:52,920
Speaker 1: I think it's great.

1681
01:30:53,000 --> 01:30:55,560
Speaker 3: And it's the And I put an emotion wheel in

1682
01:30:55,560 --> 01:30:57,240
Speaker 3: front of them. I send it to them. I say,

1683
01:30:57,479 --> 01:31:00,559
Speaker 3: I need you to name your emotion before you do

1684
01:31:00,600 --> 01:31:02,840
Speaker 3: anything else, kind of like what Wayne said. Yeah, you know,

1685
01:31:02,880 --> 01:31:06,920
Speaker 3: he paused, don't just give yourself a minute. I want

1686
01:31:06,920 --> 01:31:09,479
Speaker 3: people to name their emotion that they're feeling. Because if

1687
01:31:09,520 --> 01:31:12,360
Speaker 3: you can name it, you can tame it. You can say, Okay,

1688
01:31:12,400 --> 01:31:14,080
Speaker 3: this makes sense that I'm feeling this way.

1689
01:31:14,479 --> 01:31:17,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, Because sadness can turn to anger real quick, very quickly.

1690
01:31:18,040 --> 01:31:20,559
Speaker 1: And if you and if and if and if you're

1691
01:31:20,600 --> 01:31:27,240
Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to feel sad, or to feel hurt

1692
01:31:27,840 --> 01:31:32,320
Speaker 1: or or even depressed a little bit in the only

1693
01:31:32,600 --> 01:31:36,240
Speaker 1: emotion that you're allowing yourself to feel is anger. Right,

1694
01:31:36,600 --> 01:31:40,400
Speaker 1: that's anger is is there's a reason you get angry,

1695
01:31:40,439 --> 01:31:42,920
Speaker 1: but you're not supposed to live in an angry state.

1696
01:31:43,400 --> 01:31:45,639
Speaker 1: It's so it's there for a purpose to maybe get

1697
01:31:45,680 --> 01:31:48,719
Speaker 1: you off your feet and do something like if you

1698
01:31:48,720 --> 01:31:51,160
Speaker 1: you know, if you want, if you see a child

1699
01:31:51,240 --> 01:31:53,640
Speaker 1: being abused or an animal being you get up and

1700
01:31:53,680 --> 01:31:57,040
Speaker 1: you no way, you know, That's what anger can do,

1701
01:31:57,160 --> 01:31:59,840
Speaker 1: is to lift you up and get you marching. But

1702
01:32:00,040 --> 01:32:02,439
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to live there. That's a terrible state

1703
01:32:02,520 --> 01:32:05,680
Speaker 1: to live. Anger is very very hard to live. And

1704
01:32:05,760 --> 01:32:08,280
Speaker 1: you see that this is what's happening with the young men.

1705
01:32:08,360 --> 01:32:11,240
Speaker 3: Well they're just not there's for whatever reason, they're not

1706
01:32:11,400 --> 01:32:14,800
Speaker 3: able to articulate their emotions. And I think it goes

1707
01:32:14,840 --> 01:32:18,200
Speaker 3: back to that social programming you know of of don't

1708
01:32:18,320 --> 01:32:22,479
Speaker 3: don't feel don't, don't be vulnerable, uh be you know

1709
01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:25,599
Speaker 3: for whatever I don't. We could probably spend all night

1710
01:32:25,640 --> 01:32:27,439
Speaker 3: talking about it. Yeah, come up with all kinds of

1711
01:32:27,439 --> 01:32:30,040
Speaker 3: reasons why. But I do think that I also think

1712
01:32:30,080 --> 01:32:33,599
Speaker 3: that we live in such a society, the social media generation.

1713
01:32:33,760 --> 01:32:37,200
Speaker 3: We've got the you know, the attention span of I

1714
01:32:37,240 --> 01:32:39,960
Speaker 3: don't know's it's not very long.

1715
01:32:39,880 --> 01:32:43,320
Speaker 1: No, it's scrolling it gosh if even for me, if

1716
01:32:43,400 --> 01:32:44,400
Speaker 1: something takes too.

1717
01:32:44,320 --> 01:32:47,120
Speaker 2: Long, Hey it's me, I'm and I'm like no.

1718
01:32:47,200 --> 01:32:49,679
Speaker 3: So they're not taking the time to really ask themselves

1719
01:32:49,680 --> 01:32:50,760
Speaker 3: what am I feeling right now?

1720
01:32:50,800 --> 01:32:54,400
Speaker 2: Plus it's a constant level of what is it not?

1721
01:32:54,720 --> 01:32:59,320
Speaker 1: Is it cortisol or huh, it's Dopamine's of constantly just

1722
01:32:59,560 --> 01:33:02,920
Speaker 1: if you don't like it, switch switch switch switch dopamine

1723
01:33:02,960 --> 01:33:07,400
Speaker 1: hit where it's where where they're being fed all of this,

1724
01:33:08,120 --> 01:33:12,519
Speaker 1: And it's just that nobody's bored, and boredom is a

1725
01:33:12,560 --> 01:33:18,960
Speaker 1: place where where creativity is, where patience comes from.

1726
01:33:19,320 --> 01:33:20,439
Speaker 2: We have to be bored.

1727
01:33:21,120 --> 01:33:23,800
Speaker 1: We have to you know, we have to find a

1728
01:33:23,800 --> 01:33:26,200
Speaker 1: place where we just sit and do nothing and not

1729
01:33:26,360 --> 01:33:29,800
Speaker 1: scroll and not this or that, or walk in nature side.

1730
01:33:30,280 --> 01:33:34,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, it can be nature. Walking in nature can feel.

1731
01:33:34,160 --> 01:33:38,880
Speaker 1: Boring because scrolling is so interesting and you see people

1732
01:33:38,960 --> 01:33:42,000
Speaker 1: eating giant bowls of food and it's like wow, what

1733
01:33:42,720 --> 01:33:45,200
Speaker 1: is this person doing and what is that person doing?

1734
01:33:45,240 --> 01:33:48,200
Speaker 1: And there's all kinds of stunts. Yeah, and you know,

1735
01:33:48,240 --> 01:33:50,639
Speaker 1: all kinds of stuff. We can we can talk about

1736
01:33:50,640 --> 01:33:55,439
Speaker 1: this all night long, I will say. In terms of

1737
01:33:56,120 --> 01:34:00,280
Speaker 1: going into twenty twenty six, and I am hopeful for

1738
01:34:00,360 --> 01:34:03,439
Speaker 1: this year because like I said, we've put up with

1739
01:34:03,560 --> 01:34:08,360
Speaker 1: that people in all kinds of charts and astrology and

1740
01:34:08,400 --> 01:34:11,240
Speaker 1: everything else, and it's not like I, you know, live

1741
01:34:11,280 --> 01:34:13,479
Speaker 1: and die by that by any means, it's this is

1742
01:34:13,520 --> 01:34:17,599
Speaker 1: not But I've read how how hard twenty twenty five

1743
01:34:18,520 --> 01:34:21,080
Speaker 1: was on all of us, and I've felt it myself,

1744
01:34:21,479 --> 01:34:24,559
Speaker 1: and I do think twenty twenty six is going to

1745
01:34:24,600 --> 01:34:29,120
Speaker 1: be a year of transformation. And I can feel like

1746
01:34:29,240 --> 01:34:31,920
Speaker 1: the energy of a lot of people doing the work

1747
01:34:32,640 --> 01:34:36,280
Speaker 1: right and they're not victims anymore. They're actually taking control

1748
01:34:36,360 --> 01:34:39,719
Speaker 1: of their life and there and they're understanding that it's

1749
01:34:39,760 --> 01:34:43,160
Speaker 1: not them, it's me, And that's a really good thing

1750
01:34:43,200 --> 01:34:45,080
Speaker 1: if you look at it that way. What do you

1751
01:34:45,160 --> 01:34:48,439
Speaker 1: think the number one thing is, doctor West, that we

1752
01:34:48,479 --> 01:34:51,960
Speaker 1: should focus on to make ourselves happy in twenty twenty six.

1753
01:34:52,560 --> 01:34:56,599
Speaker 1: If you had to choose one or two things, I mean,

1754
01:34:56,680 --> 01:34:58,439
Speaker 1: you know what mine is, and it's going to be

1755
01:34:58,520 --> 01:35:03,000
Speaker 1: self exploration. It's to be focusing on how you can

1756
01:35:03,600 --> 01:35:07,520
Speaker 1: handle all of your take responsibility for all of your emotions,

1757
01:35:07,680 --> 01:35:11,519
Speaker 1: because it's really nobody else's. It's all how you handle

1758
01:35:11,600 --> 01:35:12,759
Speaker 1: and respond to things.

1759
01:35:12,840 --> 01:35:17,760
Speaker 3: I would take a technology break every day, Yeah, not

1760
01:35:18,120 --> 01:35:19,679
Speaker 3: in a fifteen minute break.

1761
01:35:19,760 --> 01:35:22,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, put the phone down, get away from the computer,

1762
01:35:23,080 --> 01:35:24,600
Speaker 1: and go walk outside.

1763
01:35:24,200 --> 01:35:28,200
Speaker 3: Ten to fifteen minutes and just observe your emotions and

1764
01:35:28,240 --> 01:35:33,080
Speaker 3: your thoughts without judgment. That's what I would do. Yeah,

1765
01:35:33,120 --> 01:35:36,280
Speaker 3: and be intentional about that. I think social media is

1766
01:35:36,400 --> 01:35:39,559
Speaker 3: really having a lot of negative, really negative impact on

1767
01:35:39,600 --> 01:35:41,080
Speaker 3: our emotional and social wellbeing.

1768
01:35:41,920 --> 01:35:44,680
Speaker 1: So take breaks from just being on your phone and

1769
01:35:44,720 --> 01:35:48,880
Speaker 1: on your computer, but also big time breaks from social

1770
01:35:48,920 --> 01:35:52,360
Speaker 1: media and doom scrolling, correct, because that is important. I

1771
01:35:52,360 --> 01:35:54,640
Speaker 1: think that's really good advice in order for you to

1772
01:35:54,680 --> 01:35:59,519
Speaker 1: be happy. Huh, get rid of some of the social media. Yes, yes,

1773
01:35:59,840 --> 01:36:02,400
Speaker 1: I think that is really good. Well, I am looking

1774
01:36:02,439 --> 01:36:05,479
Speaker 1: forward to it. It's been a really fun year starting

1775
01:36:05,520 --> 01:36:09,400
Speaker 1: these relationship radio shows with you. You've been my partner

1776
01:36:09,520 --> 01:36:12,760
Speaker 1: in crime since oh gosh, We've been doing it for

1777
01:36:12,800 --> 01:36:16,679
Speaker 1: at least two or three months now, and I've learned

1778
01:36:16,720 --> 01:36:19,240
Speaker 1: a lot, and I hope everybody's learned from this.

1779
01:36:19,400 --> 01:36:21,720
Speaker 2: We are going to be back in January.

1780
01:36:21,760 --> 01:36:23,960
Speaker 1: It's going to be the end of January January because

1781
01:36:23,960 --> 01:36:26,240
Speaker 1: we have some sports and stuff, but we'll be back

1782
01:36:26,280 --> 01:36:28,760
Speaker 1: in February January and then February March.

1783
01:36:28,800 --> 01:36:29,439
Speaker 2: We'll have quite a.

1784
01:36:29,439 --> 01:36:31,800
Speaker 1: Few shows because we want to keep this going. The

1785
01:36:31,880 --> 01:36:36,920
Speaker 1: idea is to help support people and to support ourselves

1786
01:36:37,000 --> 01:36:42,120
Speaker 1: and create a community of people that are engaged and

1787
01:36:42,240 --> 01:36:47,840
Speaker 1: want to connect and find happiness within themselves and with

1788
01:36:47,920 --> 01:36:51,240
Speaker 1: their partners. So that's our main goal. And I'm really

1789
01:36:51,280 --> 01:36:55,280
Speaker 1: happy here a partner with me. Same here, happy twenty

1790
01:36:55,360 --> 01:36:56,920
Speaker 1: twenty six and we're not even there.

1791
01:36:57,000 --> 01:36:57,439
Speaker 2: Sterling.

1792
01:36:57,520 --> 01:36:59,800
Speaker 1: I wanted to get on the here today to go

1793
01:37:00,040 --> 01:37:01,840
Speaker 1: for what is new Year's resolution is?

1794
01:37:01,880 --> 01:37:04,280
Speaker 2: But I already know, and it's to be a better person.

1795
01:37:04,920 --> 01:37:08,320
Speaker 1: He makes the same resolution every single year, is to

1796
01:37:08,360 --> 01:37:10,960
Speaker 1: be a better person. And really, what else is there

1797
01:37:11,520 --> 01:37:14,200
Speaker 1: is to be a better person. It's the longest journey

1798
01:37:14,240 --> 01:37:16,000
Speaker 1: you will ever take in this life, is from your

1799
01:37:16,080 --> 01:37:19,439
Speaker 1: head to your heart. And if you can manage to

1800
01:37:19,520 --> 01:37:21,920
Speaker 1: be more loving as you get older, because it's not

1801
01:37:22,040 --> 01:37:27,600
Speaker 1: that easy, you're going in the right direction. Yeah right, yes, absolutely,

1802
01:37:27,800 --> 01:37:30,679
Speaker 1: all right, Well, thank you so much. All the calls

1803
01:37:30,720 --> 01:37:33,960
Speaker 1: were great tonight. We will be back end of January.

1804
01:37:34,120 --> 01:37:37,920
Speaker 1: I'll be on the weekends with Sterling on Saturdays and

1805
01:37:38,000 --> 01:37:39,240
Speaker 1: possibly on Sundays.

1806
01:37:39,280 --> 01:37:41,360
Speaker 2: Go Bengals big game tomorrow.

1807
01:37:41,439 --> 01:37:43,960
Speaker 1: I mean, it's always gonna be nice if we get

1808
01:37:44,000 --> 01:37:47,920
Speaker 1: a win, anytime we get it. So Bengals and Arizona

1809
01:37:47,960 --> 01:37:51,320
Speaker 1: one pm and pay Corp seventy degrees out. There's nothing

1810
01:37:51,360 --> 01:37:54,880
Speaker 1: wrong with that. At the end of December. There's really

1811
01:37:54,880 --> 01:37:58,240
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that. Thank you Russ Jackson for producing

1812
01:37:58,280 --> 01:38:01,240
Speaker 1: the show. Thank you everybody for all the calls coming in,

1813
01:38:01,320 --> 01:38:05,200
Speaker 1: and we will see you next year. Dona Dean, doctor

1814
01:38:05,240 --> 01:38:07,880
Speaker 1: Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,