Speaker 1: How to know if a relationship is worth it? How
Speaker 1: to evaluate your relationship. Somebody who's studied this is strategic
Speaker 1: psychotherapist Bronwin Penn Halligan. Good morning, Bronlin, Thank you for
Speaker 1: doing this.
Speaker 2: Pleasure happy to be here.
Speaker 1: So how can you tell if the relationship is worth it?
Speaker 1: You know, do you sort of evaluate by saying, well,
Speaker 1: I'm happy sixty percent of the time, eighty percent of
Speaker 1: the time, or I don't know, what do you suggest? Look?
Speaker 2: I think the really fun facts about relationships that they
Speaker 2: are very fluid and very dynamic situations. So you know,
Speaker 2: every single day we're working with a whole bunch of
Speaker 2: different variables. Right, So, kind of putting it into a
Speaker 2: framework whereby you know, your measuring or testing doesn't really work.
Speaker 2: We need to go a little bit deeper and start
Speaker 2: to think about the value sets of what's driving interactions
Speaker 2: and behaviors and start from that point.
Speaker 1: Okay, so what are the value sets? Can you give
Speaker 1: me a couple of examples?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, so. I think that one of the great
Speaker 2: places to start is how do I feel around being honest?
Speaker 2: And by being honest, I mean really truly honestly honest,
Speaker 2: And is that a safe thing for you to do
Speaker 2: in the relationship. Is it okay for you to give
Speaker 2: feedback or do you find that you're couching things in
Speaker 2: a certain way and posturing things in a certain way,
Speaker 2: so to avoid a conflict. That's typically a good place
Speaker 2: to start. And then the next piece is more around
Speaker 2: is the effort in the relationship a mutual things? So
Speaker 2: are we both initiating contact? Are we both working collectively
Speaker 2: on resolving conflict, making plans that kind of thing, Because
Speaker 2: sometimes if you're the person who's doing a lot of
Speaker 2: the over work holding it together, then you're not really
Speaker 2: in a partnership. You're more just managing the dynamic.
Speaker 1: I've done just a peculiar thing where one party regards
Speaker 1: the other quite literally as a good catch. Isn't happy?
Speaker 1: What's going on there?
Speaker 2: Well, I guess the moment's about being a good catch.
Speaker 2: It kind of comes down to, well, how are we
Speaker 2: measuring success? What does that look like?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And I guess for some people, you know, being a
Speaker 2: good catch per se might simply be linked to what's
Speaker 2: available from a financial set or the extensions that they
Speaker 2: provide in the social life and that kind of thing.
Speaker 2: So again it comes down to feeling I am I
Speaker 2: in something that feels equitable and where I feel like
Speaker 2: a priority or more of just an option.
Speaker 1: But I mean, isn't it a case of if the
Speaker 1: person ain't doing it for you, they're not really a
Speaker 1: good catch, even if you're comparing them to you know,
Speaker 1: what the friends have. I've noticed a peculiar thing with
Speaker 1: Miles over the years, who have been sufficiently wealthy, personable,
Speaker 1: whatever it takes to get a real beauty, and then
Speaker 1: when they're out in public they spend their time denigrating
Speaker 1: the woman. That's weird, isn't it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, that certainly doesn't sound like an invested and
Speaker 2: respectful interaction at all there, right, Because I guess you know,
Speaker 2: it's about thinking around, well, what is the purpose of
Speaker 2: partnership here? And if it's if what you're or what
Speaker 2: someone is looking to fulfill is to have essentially someone
Speaker 2: who looks really nice next to them in photographs. I mean,
Speaker 2: perhaps you know those value sets and being able to
Speaker 2: actually create a life together is feeling like less of
Speaker 2: a priority. Therefore, you know, the relationship would be fairly
Speaker 2: surface level.
Speaker 1: I would imagine, Yes, it's some kind of odd ego
Speaker 1: driven thing. I guess either a self esteem thing or saying, hey,
Speaker 1: look what I can get and it's nothing to me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, look I think it's it is interesting. I mean,
Speaker 2: on one hand, to be the person that is, you know,
Speaker 2: feeling very much empowered and that I get to have
Speaker 2: my pick of all the flowers, so to speak, versus
Speaker 2: being the person that does feel like they're a flower
Speaker 2: that's been selected. Right, because then what are you? I mean,
Speaker 2: you're going a wither as you age and perhaps not
Speaker 2: quite be in competition all the time for making sure
Speaker 2: that you're staying still in good favor as it were.
Speaker 1: You have a saying here, if it costs you your peace,
Speaker 1: it's too expensive. What do you mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought you'd ask about that, Mike. So this
Speaker 2: is more about emotional peace, so that kind that lets
Speaker 2: you feel safe and steady and like yourself. Like all
Speaker 2: relationships have conflict, right, I mean that's part of what
Speaker 2: makes them challenging and helps us grow. So it doesn't
Speaker 2: have to be perfect. But if you're feeling like you're
Speaker 2: walking on eggshells or over explaining yourself, they can guessing
Speaker 2: you're worse. I mean that's what takes a toll there
Speaker 2: and so while the right relationship will challenge you, it
Speaker 2: shouldn't be eroding you. That's you know, that kind of
Speaker 2: terminology of costing you your peace is what that's really about.
Speaker 1: Okay. I know somebody who told the kids that came
Speaker 1: with the man in her life when she married him,
Speaker 1: living with your father was like living with an unexploded bomb.
Speaker 2: Oh wow wow, Okay, yeah, that would absolutely be the
Speaker 2: walking on actual analogy right there right waiting for what's
Speaker 2: going to happen next. And I think that's also what
Speaker 2: becomes quite difficult and challenging. And you know, when relationships
Speaker 2: aren't coming from that place of deep connection and that
Speaker 2: safety that I was talking about, Because if you feel
Speaker 2: that you can't be your true, honest, transparent, authentic self
Speaker 2: with your partner, well it's probably time to have a
Speaker 2: little bit of a think about, well, what else is
Speaker 2: this relationship costing me or what is it adding to
Speaker 2: my life.
Speaker 1: By the way, to the very best of my knowledge,
Speaker 1: there was no violence in the relationship. It was just
Speaker 1: a feeling kind of an attitude. But one of the difficulties,
Speaker 1: if I may say, is certainly, speaking from my side
Speaker 1: of the fence as a male, you have to kind
Speaker 1: of guess a fair bit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, Look, I think that the behavior patterns that
Speaker 2: we get into in our relationships, and not just intimate
Speaker 2: partner ones, but you know, in our friendship group, in
Speaker 2: our family settings, even in work environments, sometimes we do
Speaker 2: fall into certain behavior loops. And sometimes some people have,
Speaker 2: you know, essentially just been going through their lives with
Speaker 2: an avoidance when it comes to dealing with the hard stuff,
Speaker 2: my power. It feels they don't want to lean into it.
Speaker 2: Perhaps they've had a couple of experiences with conflicts that
Speaker 2: have been really problematic, and so they're a little bit burned,
Speaker 2: so to speak, right, so they run that pattern of
Speaker 2: not wanting to speak up, not wanting to be clear
Speaker 2: about what they want or need, and then kind of
Speaker 2: just feeling a little bit early or a little bit
Speaker 2: of kilter most of the time. Hence the I feel
Speaker 2: like I need to guess or imagine what someone might
Speaker 2: be thinking, wanting or needing from me here.
Speaker 1: Despite everything in this day and age, in the attitude
Speaker 1: we've been taking in this conversation, some people do actually
Speaker 1: manage to stay together for life, don't they?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, I mean to share with you, Mike, literally Tomorrow,
Speaker 2: I will be celebrating my twentieth wedding anniversary with my husband.
Speaker 1: Well, great, congratulations, thank you very much.
Speaker 2: In the early forties, I think that's quite the coup, right. So,
Speaker 2: I mean, there are absolutely ways that you can choose
Speaker 2: to invest in yourself, choose to invest in your partner,
Speaker 2: in your relationship to do the work, so to speak.
Speaker 2: But it does, yes, and there's a commitment that needs
Speaker 2: to happen there to be able to make it work.
Speaker 1: Okay, you've got a plan for celebration, It be.
Speaker 2: Probably a bit of a nice long, lazy lunch, but
Speaker 2: other than that'll be a little bit low key.
Speaker 1: I think this year, okay, strikes a chord with me
Speaker 1: because over the years, I've disappointed some ladies who've done
Speaker 1: something special for me on an anniversary, and one said,
Speaker 1: I put a lot of work into this, and you
Speaker 1: don't seem to be enjoying it. So what can I
Speaker 1: do but say, Look, i may appear calm on the surface,
Speaker 1: but inside I'm a boiling vesuvius of emotion.
Speaker 2: Look, I think one of the things that we do,
Speaker 2: and I also encourage a lot of clients to take
Speaker 2: the opportunity to do this as well is use the
Speaker 2: anniversary moments as a chance to pause and reflect on
Speaker 2: what's working, what needs a little bit more work, or
Speaker 2: what are the things that we just don't really need
Speaker 2: to keep doing anymore, i e. The things that aren't
Speaker 2: really all that awesome, and then literally dust off the
Speaker 2: five or ten year plan and see where are we
Speaker 2: based on where we thought we would be. So, what
Speaker 2: have we achieved, what are we working on, and what
Speaker 2: are we excited about. It's almost like a bit of
Speaker 2: a strategy session. It takes communication, it does, it does,
Speaker 2: and also that real depth of connection and honesty to
Speaker 2: be able to be willing to hear the real feedback
Speaker 2: from your partner and to be able to share it
Speaker 2: as well in a format and a framework that you
Speaker 2: know it's coming from a place of love, connection and
Speaker 2: wanting to achieve more together.
Speaker 1: Well, congratulations, I think that's terrific and thank you for
Speaker 1: coming on the program.
Speaker 2: Absolute pleasure. Sir.
Speaker 1: Rolin Penhalligan is a strategic psychotherapist.