WEBVTT - How to know if a relationship is worth it

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<v Speaker 1>How to know if a relationship is worth it? How

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<v Speaker 1>to evaluate your relationship. Somebody who's studied this is strategic

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<v Speaker 1>psychotherapist Bronwin Penn Halligan. Good morning, Bronlin, Thank you for

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<v Speaker 1>doing this.

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<v Speaker 2>Pleasure happy to be here.

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<v Speaker 1>So how can you tell if the relationship is worth it?

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<v Speaker 1>You know, do you sort of evaluate by saying, well,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm happy sixty percent of the time, eighty percent of

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<v Speaker 1>the time, or I don't know, what do you suggest? Look?

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<v Speaker 2>I think the really fun facts about relationships that they

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<v Speaker 2>are very fluid and very dynamic situations. So you know,

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<v Speaker 2>every single day we're working with a whole bunch of

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<v Speaker 2>different variables. Right, So, kind of putting it into a

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<v Speaker 2>framework whereby you know, your measuring or testing doesn't really work.

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<v Speaker 2>We need to go a little bit deeper and start

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<v Speaker 2>to think about the value sets of what's driving interactions

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<v Speaker 2>and behaviors and start from that point.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, so what are the value sets? Can you give

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<v Speaker 1>me a couple of examples?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Absolutely, so. I think that one of the great

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<v Speaker 2>places to start is how do I feel around being honest?

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<v Speaker 2>And by being honest, I mean really truly honestly honest,

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<v Speaker 2>And is that a safe thing for you to do

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<v Speaker 2>in the relationship. Is it okay for you to give

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<v Speaker 2>feedback or do you find that you're couching things in

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<v Speaker 2>a certain way and posturing things in a certain way,

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<v Speaker 2>so to avoid a conflict. That's typically a good place

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<v Speaker 2>to start. And then the next piece is more around

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<v Speaker 2>is the effort in the relationship a mutual things? So

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<v Speaker 2>are we both initiating contact? Are we both working collectively

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<v Speaker 2>on resolving conflict, making plans that kind of thing, Because

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes if you're the person who's doing a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>the over work holding it together, then you're not really

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<v Speaker 2>in a partnership. You're more just managing the dynamic.

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<v Speaker 1>I've done just a peculiar thing where one party regards

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<v Speaker 1>the other quite literally as a good catch. Isn't happy?

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<v Speaker 1>What's going on there?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I guess the moment's about being a good catch.

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<v Speaker 2>It kind of comes down to, well, how are we

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<v Speaker 2>measuring success? What does that look like?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>And I guess for some people, you know, being a

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<v Speaker 2>good catch per se might simply be linked to what's

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<v Speaker 2>available from a financial set or the extensions that they

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<v Speaker 2>provide in the social life and that kind of thing.

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<v Speaker 2>So again it comes down to feeling I am I

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<v Speaker 2>in something that feels equitable and where I feel like

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<v Speaker 2>a priority or more of just an option.

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<v Speaker 1>But I mean, isn't it a case of if the

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<v Speaker 1>person ain't doing it for you, they're not really a

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<v Speaker 1>good catch, even if you're comparing them to you know,

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<v Speaker 1>what the friends have. I've noticed a peculiar thing with

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<v Speaker 1>Miles over the years, who have been sufficiently wealthy, personable,

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<v Speaker 1>whatever it takes to get a real beauty, and then

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<v Speaker 1>when they're out in public they spend their time denigrating

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<v Speaker 1>the woman. That's weird, isn't it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Yeah, that certainly doesn't sound like an invested and

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<v Speaker 2>respectful interaction at all there, right, Because I guess you know,

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<v Speaker 2>it's about thinking around, well, what is the purpose of

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<v Speaker 2>partnership here? And if it's if what you're or what

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<v Speaker 2>someone is looking to fulfill is to have essentially someone

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<v Speaker 2>who looks really nice next to them in photographs. I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>perhaps you know those value sets and being able to

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<v Speaker 2>actually create a life together is feeling like less of

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<v Speaker 2>a priority. Therefore, you know, the relationship would be fairly

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<v Speaker 2>surface level.

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<v Speaker 1>I would imagine, Yes, it's some kind of odd ego

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<v Speaker 1>driven thing. I guess either a self esteem thing or saying, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>look what I can get and it's nothing to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, look I think it's it is interesting. I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>on one hand, to be the person that is, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>feeling very much empowered and that I get to have

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<v Speaker 2>my pick of all the flowers, so to speak, versus

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<v Speaker 2>being the person that does feel like they're a flower

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<v Speaker 2>that's been selected. Right, because then what are you? I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>you're going a wither as you age and perhaps not

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<v Speaker 2>quite be in competition all the time for making sure

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<v Speaker 2>that you're staying still in good favor as it were.

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<v Speaker 1>You have a saying here, if it costs you your peace,

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<v Speaker 1>it's too expensive. What do you mean?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I thought you'd ask about that, Mike. So this

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<v Speaker 2>is more about emotional peace, so that kind that lets

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<v Speaker 2>you feel safe and steady and like yourself. Like all

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<v Speaker 2>relationships have conflict, right, I mean that's part of what

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<v Speaker 2>makes them challenging and helps us grow. So it doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>have to be perfect. But if you're feeling like you're

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<v Speaker 2>walking on eggshells or over explaining yourself, they can guessing

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<v Speaker 2>you're worse. I mean that's what takes a toll there

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<v Speaker 2>and so while the right relationship will challenge you, it

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<v Speaker 2>shouldn't be eroding you. That's you know, that kind of

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<v Speaker 2>terminology of costing you your peace is what that's really about.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay. I know somebody who told the kids that came

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<v Speaker 1>with the man in her life when she married him,

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<v Speaker 1>living with your father was like living with an unexploded bomb.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh wow wow, Okay, yeah, that would absolutely be the

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<v Speaker 2>walking on actual analogy right there right waiting for what's

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<v Speaker 2>going to happen next. And I think that's also what

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<v Speaker 2>becomes quite difficult and challenging. And you know, when relationships

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<v Speaker 2>aren't coming from that place of deep connection and that

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<v Speaker 2>safety that I was talking about, Because if you feel

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<v Speaker 2>that you can't be your true, honest, transparent, authentic self

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<v Speaker 2>with your partner, well it's probably time to have a

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<v Speaker 2>little bit of a think about, well, what else is

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<v Speaker 2>this relationship costing me or what is it adding to

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<v Speaker 2>my life.

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<v Speaker 1>By the way, to the very best of my knowledge,

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<v Speaker 1>there was no violence in the relationship. It was just

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<v Speaker 1>a feeling kind of an attitude. But one of the difficulties,

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<v Speaker 1>if I may say, is certainly, speaking from my side

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<v Speaker 1>of the fence as a male, you have to kind

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<v Speaker 1>of guess a fair bit.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Yeah, Look, I think that the behavior patterns that

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<v Speaker 2>we get into in our relationships, and not just intimate

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<v Speaker 2>partner ones, but you know, in our friendship group, in

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<v Speaker 2>our family settings, even in work environments, sometimes we do

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<v Speaker 2>fall into certain behavior loops. And sometimes some people have,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, essentially just been going through their lives with

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<v Speaker 2>an avoidance when it comes to dealing with the hard stuff,

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<v Speaker 2>my power. It feels they don't want to lean into it.

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<v Speaker 2>Perhaps they've had a couple of experiences with conflicts that

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<v Speaker 2>have been really problematic, and so they're a little bit burned,

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<v Speaker 2>so to speak, right, so they run that pattern of

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<v Speaker 2>not wanting to speak up, not wanting to be clear

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<v Speaker 2>about what they want or need, and then kind of

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<v Speaker 2>just feeling a little bit early or a little bit

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<v Speaker 2>of kilter most of the time. Hence the I feel

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<v Speaker 2>like I need to guess or imagine what someone might

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<v Speaker 2>be thinking, wanting or needing from me here.

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<v Speaker 1>Despite everything in this day and age, in the attitude

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<v Speaker 1>we've been taking in this conversation, some people do actually

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<v Speaker 1>manage to stay together for life, don't they?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Absolutely, I mean to share with you, Mike, literally Tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 2>I will be celebrating my twentieth wedding anniversary with my husband.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, great, congratulations, thank you very much.

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<v Speaker 2>In the early forties, I think that's quite the coup, right. So,

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, there are absolutely ways that you can choose

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<v Speaker 2>to invest in yourself, choose to invest in your partner,

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<v Speaker 2>in your relationship to do the work, so to speak.

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<v Speaker 2>But it does, yes, and there's a commitment that needs

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<v Speaker 2>to happen there to be able to make it work.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, you've got a plan for celebration, It be.

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<v Speaker 2>Probably a bit of a nice long, lazy lunch, but

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<v Speaker 2>other than that'll be a little bit low key.

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<v Speaker 1>I think this year, okay, strikes a chord with me

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<v Speaker 1>because over the years, I've disappointed some ladies who've done

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<v Speaker 1>something special for me on an anniversary, and one said,

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<v Speaker 1>I put a lot of work into this, and you

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<v Speaker 1>don't seem to be enjoying it. So what can I

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<v Speaker 1>do but say, Look, i may appear calm on the surface,

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<v Speaker 1>but inside I'm a boiling vesuvius of emotion.

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<v Speaker 2>Look, I think one of the things that we do,

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<v Speaker 2>and I also encourage a lot of clients to take

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<v Speaker 2>the opportunity to do this as well is use the

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<v Speaker 2>anniversary moments as a chance to pause and reflect on

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<v Speaker 2>what's working, what needs a little bit more work, or

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<v Speaker 2>what are the things that we just don't really need

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<v Speaker 2>to keep doing anymore, i e. The things that aren't

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<v Speaker 2>really all that awesome, and then literally dust off the

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<v Speaker 2>five or ten year plan and see where are we

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<v Speaker 2>based on where we thought we would be. So, what

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<v Speaker 2>have we achieved, what are we working on, and what

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<v Speaker 2>are we excited about. It's almost like a bit of

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<v Speaker 2>a strategy session. It takes communication, it does, it does,

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<v Speaker 2>and also that real depth of connection and honesty to

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<v Speaker 2>be able to be willing to hear the real feedback

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<v Speaker 2>from your partner and to be able to share it

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<v Speaker 2>as well in a format and a framework that you

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<v Speaker 2>know it's coming from a place of love, connection and

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<v Speaker 2>wanting to achieve more together.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, congratulations, I think that's terrific and thank you for

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<v Speaker 1>coming on the program.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolute pleasure. Sir.

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<v Speaker 1>Rolin Penhalligan is a strategic psychotherapist.