WEBVTT - Life-Changing Authenticity, with Kat John 0:00:02.080 --> 0:00:04.560 Okay, welcome to the show. Thanks for downloading the podcast. 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:07.680 This is Better Than Yesterday. Useful tools and useful conversations 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:09.720 to make your day to day better than yesterday, every 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:11.120 single week since twenty thirteen. 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:14.280 My name Joshia Ginzburg. I'm very glad you're here. 0:00:14.880 --> 0:00:17.919 Ten years ago now, when I was struggling with my 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:19.680 mental health, I really needed to be able to read 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:23.000 a book that would really kind of lay out a 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:25.760 step by step way that I could think about the 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:29.240 problems that I was facing. And I couldn't find a 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:33.000 book that was like the book that I needed. So 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:36.600 I wrote one with the help of an eminent psychologist 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:40.320 who specializes in act or accepting commitment therapy and with 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:44.320 brilliant illustrations boys Truthless, also know as Campbell Walker. It's 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:46.239 called So What Now What? And in this book, I 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:48.879 lay out step by step the very thinking tools that 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:53.080 I found to be nothing short of life changing. It's 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:55.520 a tool, really, it's a book, yes, but it's a tool, 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:57.440 a tool to use when you or someone your love 0:00:57.520 --> 0:00:59.960 is kind of struggling and nothing seems to you make 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.600 any better, and in fact things are just getting worse. 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:05.280 If you like this podcast, if this podcast brings you value. 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.399 The greatest way you could probably repay me at all 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:09.640 is to pre order that book. You can find a 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:11.640 link in the show notes pre order this book. It 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:13.679 sends a massive signal to the publishers of the book 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:16.520 and the people that order books and stockshelves that this 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:20.320 is a book worth getting behind, and I'd really appreciate it. 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:22.560 If you do order the book, email me a screenshot 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:24.920 of when you bought it. Send Asher email at gmail 0:01:24.920 --> 0:01:26.720 dot com and I'll send you something to say a big, 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:30.080 big thank you. Now, the book does offer us some advice, 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:32.280 but it is like any advice, it's up to you 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:34.880 to do something with it. There's a piece of advice 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:36.840 that I've heard a lot. I'm sure you have to 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:40.680 just be yourself. Seems simple enough, doesn't that? But is 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:46.120 it really? Today's conversation is all about authenticity, what it 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:50.280 really is, how we can find it for ourselves, and 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:54.280 why it's kind of vital that we do find that authenticity. 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:55.760 There's also a fair bit. 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:58.400 In there about dancing to get the worries away, but 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:10.840 we'll get to that right. Just before we get to 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:13.320 my guest today, I forgot to mention that the next 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:14.679 live show if you want to come check out the 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:16.360 live show on the sixth of the July. We're at 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:18.960 the Factory Theater in Merrickville with Story Club. We do 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:22.480 this storytelling show every single month. Joining me is Marley Silva, 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:27.760 Merrick Watts, Phil O'Neill, Ugly, Phil Nadia Townshend, Zoey Norton Lodge. 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:30.720 The theme We're all telling stories long and the theme 0:02:30.760 --> 0:02:33.760 everybody needs good neighbors linkers in the show notes. 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:34.280 Right. 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:36.600 So my guest today, Kat John is her name. She 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:40.400 is fantastic. She's an authenticity coach, She's a speaker, she 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:41.760 hosts a podcast. 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:43.440 Called Raw, Real and Relatable. 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:46.880 She's the author of the brand new book Authentic Coming 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:50.400 Home to Your True Self. She do' mind having a 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:53.239 bit of a zero fux given boogie on the socials 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:57.160 either And I actually put together a playlist that you'll 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:58.920 hear is talking about music and I'm put together an 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:01.160 entire playlist you'll find link in the show notes. Because 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:03.680 what I do love about Cat is she really devotes 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:05.920 herself to sharing the message of how important it is 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:08.320 to be authentic and helping people to live that way 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:11.680 every single day. And she does this so partly because 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:14.720 she has some very painful firsthand experience in what happens 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.600 when you don't live authentically and where that can lead 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:19.360 you to Cat is it delight to be around. She 0:03:19.440 --> 0:03:22.160 radiates energy and positivity. You're going to love spending time 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:24.240 with it, just like I did enjoy this conversation with Cat. 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:33.880 John, thank you for coming pleasure. 0:03:34.200 --> 0:03:39.200 I'm grateful, rightful you came, and you must be thrilled 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:40.160 to have a. 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:44.200 Book under your belt. That done. It's quite the thing. 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:45.560 You don't write it once, do you? 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:47.760 You don't write it once, No. 0:03:48.240 --> 0:03:53.200 You got like fives you end up writing it, I reckon. 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:56.480 There were three passes in that. They were like, yeah, 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:58.560 it's sort of there, nah, sort. 0:03:58.400 --> 0:03:59.640 Of there nuh, And then it took me. 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:01.760 The third would go, we're actually put a mic on, 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:06.560 and I dictated. I just started sharing what I would 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:08.920 usually share, what I was trying to type out, but 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:11.400 I was trying to make it too sophisticated. I was 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:13.120 trying to make it sound smart. I was in my 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:15.960 head about the penguin people. I've got to make it 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:17.440 cool for the penguin people. I'm like, who the hell 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:19.760 are these penguin people? So as soon as I put 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:23.000 the mic on and dictated, I was like, that's what 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:23.839 I look like. 0:04:23.960 --> 0:04:25.120 Yeah yeah on paper? 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:28.960 Then it was good, right yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:30.120 It's fatiful. 0:04:30.240 --> 0:04:35.400 It's tricky to be able to I mean, words are great. 0:04:36.200 --> 0:04:38.120 Our youngest is learning how to read them right now. 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:41.400 They're very good for communicating ideas. But sometimes it can 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:43.760 become a bit of a barrier. So it's wonderful we 0:04:43.839 --> 0:04:46.880 have tools like that, definitely, because somebody like you might 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:49.120 not have been able to put that book out twenty 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:49.960 years ago. 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.160 Without that tool. Correct, it's pretty good. 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:54.719 We are going to probably talk a bit about this 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:56.720 because it is your bread and butter. If we were 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:00.200 going to talk about being authentic, like what is for you? 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:02.640 You talk about authenticity? How do you as a concept? 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:03.599 How do you define it? 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.320 Yeah? I mean, look, it's a big concept and I 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:08.320 think it gets thrown around a lot at the minute. 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:12.160 It's kind of like the cool word authentic leadership or 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:14.400 be authentic or be real or whatever it may be. 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:17.280 You do you, you do you boo? I think is 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:19.920 a hashtag that's been out for a bit, But I guess, 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:24.880 to me, to me, what it is it's to be 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:30.200 relaxed in yourself, to be at ease within yourself. And 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.960 I certainly know what it feels like to not feel 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:35.120 relaxed in myself and be at ease with myself and 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:38.360 walk into rooms and think I've got to be like this, 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:41.360 I've got to be like that. My gut is like tight, 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:46.240 my jaw is clenched, I'm holding my breath and it's like, hey, 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:48.640 why am I doing that? Why do I think that 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:51.400 I need to I don't know, put on some kind 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:58.400 of unnatural persona that might get me more likes, that 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:00.640 might get me more fit ins, that might get me 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:03.960 chosen here there or wherever. And I get that sometimes 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:07.479 we need our persona and our personality to get places 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.159 in life. But to me, authenticity is it's like it's 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:13.760 taken a seat in yourself and going. 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:15.920 That feels good? 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:16.479 Right? 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:19.440 What does it? Let's, for example, put it in a 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:24.200 work context. What does being authentic like? What is showing 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.159 up and being authentic at work look like? 0:06:27.520 --> 0:06:29.880 Okay, I'll give you an example. So this morning I 0:06:29.920 --> 0:06:33.200 had a speaking engagement and typically before we speaking. 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:36.720 That corporate money you go get it. You don't make 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:38.880 money selling books in Australia you make money. Talk about 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:39.600 books in Australia. 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:40.320 This is true. 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:43.000 Oh tell me about it. My second book coming out August. 0:06:47.000 --> 0:06:49.400 This is true, true fact. 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:55.960 So typically, before speaking engagements, this little part of me, 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:59.240 which I call the ego, the part that keeps that 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.400 tries to keep me separate from myself, my relaxed, at ease, 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:06.560 authentic self. Oh my gosh, it's just like you better 0:07:06.560 --> 0:07:09.320 be funny, you better make them laugh, you better be intelligent, 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:12.120 you better know your stuff, you better be even coming here, 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:17.520 even going to whatever other type of speaking engagement that 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:21.760 I've been to, there is this something there that says 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:25.440 you have to be someone that you're not because who 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:29.520 you are and what you've got to share just ain't enough, right, 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.520 just ain't enough. So that might mean if I listen 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:37.160 to that, then I'm going to try and be funny 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:39.640 and I'm going to look for people laughing, and if 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:42.800 they don't laugh, I'm going to feel shit about myself. Right, 0:07:42.880 --> 0:07:44.880 I'm going to feel like I've failed. I'm going to 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:47.400 feel like I haven't done my job. So okay, let 0:07:47.400 --> 0:07:49.680 me be the smart one. And if I try and 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:52.240 reel off some kind of fact that I'm pulling out 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:56.080 of something I've googled from however long ago. And if 0:07:56.120 --> 0:07:58.680 I get someone who raises their eyebrows and it's like 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.400 and then write something, I'll think tick. 0:08:02.040 --> 0:08:04.320 Right. So then I'll keep putting into my. 0:08:06.040 --> 0:08:10.320 Evidence bank, my ego evidence bank, keep doing that because 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:14.440 that's what gets you the tick, the approval, the head nod, 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:18.800 the laugh, the whatever it may be. And then I'd 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.800 be walking off that stage or walking away. 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:25.160 From here, going where was I in that? 0:08:25.720 --> 0:08:25.800 Like? 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:27.720 Where was I in that? I wasn't there. 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:31.320 I was putting on something that I felt I needed 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.080 to do in order to fill in the blank. 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:37.920 So that's how you talk about it in a work context. 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:40.400 What about in a for example, in a relationship context, 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:43.240 in particularly an intimate relationship. 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:43.800 Yep. 0:08:45.600 --> 0:08:47.199 So before my husband. 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:55.160 Wow, I used to date and basically buried my relaxed, 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:57.040 authentic self ten feet under. 0:08:58.280 --> 0:08:59.360 I would go there. 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:07.240 Really kind of at the forefront, wondering who would they 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:09.640 like me to be? Who would they like me to be? 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:13.360 So if they like sports, I'd like sports. If they 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:15.720 like to go fishing on the weekends, I love fishing too. 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:19.439 Oh they love that soccer team, Sure, I love that 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:21.360 soccer team. They'll go to the toilet and I'm googling 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:22.040 that soccer team. 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:25.280 Is that moment I love it? Is that moment from 0:09:25.280 --> 0:09:26.480 coming to America? 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.920 What is your favorite food? Whatever you like? 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:31.880 Is that where you were loving? 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:32.280 Is? 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:34.640 Yeah? Because I'm thinking that Eddie Murphy having the conversation 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:36.600 really black and Dog. 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:40.079 It's like, it's that but I under stand it. 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:41.839 Yeah, yeah, And so when they would come back from 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:43.160 the bathroom, you'd be like. 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:49.000 Oh, yeah A c. Malan true? How good is Ronald? 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:52.880 Do love their uniform? 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:58.360 Great kit? I believe it's called Yeah, I get it? 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:00.640 Yeah, yeah, right, So that. 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:03.840 Puts the idea I'm guessing and I don't want to 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:05.880 extrapolate too much from it, but the idea then is 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:09.319 that you're putting on a front for this person, and 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:14.160 what happens then if the relationship progresses, at some point 0:10:14.760 --> 0:10:17.680 you're going to show up and you're like, I don't 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:22.320 really want to watch this game. I don't actually care 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:25.280 about this, and then their. 0:10:25.120 --> 0:10:27.600 Surprise going, well, what's wrong with you? This was fine 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:28.320 three months ago? 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:31.480 Yes, because there is that moment after you stop shagging, 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:33.160 when you actually have to start talking to each other, 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.800 and that's all that stuff shows up. It's a difficult 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:36.520 time to go through. 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:41.080 For everybody you like slam dunk. It's true though, It's 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:45.800 absolutely true. It's absolutely true. And when I got together 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:49.000 with my now husband, even when I met him, like, 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:51.079 I'd done a lot of work on myself up until 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:53.360 that point, but this particular area of my life when 0:10:53.400 --> 0:10:55.559 it came to love and relationships was. 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:56.880 My sore spot. 0:10:57.960 --> 0:11:03.000 My deep, deep, dark, wonderful belief underneath that loves to 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:06.760 mess with me is you're unlovable as you are, You're unlovable. 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:10.360 And like I said, I've done a lot of work, 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:14.280 and still when I met him, when we were dating, 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:16.400 he'd be like, what pizza. 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:18.440 Do you want? Internally? 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:23.200 I don't want pizza externally, Perry Perry chicken please. 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:24.240 You know. 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:28.400 I wrote that story in my book because that's just 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.880 how easily I went. I would just jump out of 0:11:31.920 --> 0:11:34.160 myself and I would go, I don't want to be 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:34.680 a drainer. 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:36.040 I want to be easy going. 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:39.439 I want to be the kind of girlfriend that's just like, yeah, she's. 0:11:39.280 --> 0:11:42.440 Such an awesome chick, she doesn't bust my balls. I 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:43.800 want it to be that one. 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:48.360 That's an example of that, but again birthed from I 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.520 believe I'm unlovable, my ego beliefs, my limiting belief believes 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:56.920 I'm unlovable as I am so Perry Perry Chicken adds 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:58.120 some extra sauce things. 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:01.319 So both of those exams. Let's just talk about the 0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:03.520 work one for a second. Yeah, there is an amount 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:10.200 of inauthenticity that has been very beneficial to my career. 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:15.000 All right, I could totally do that. Yes, of course, 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:19.679 I'll see you Monday. The entire weekend spent learning how 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:21.800 to use a bit of software or whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:26.520 so that no one's career exists without that, fully, none 0:12:26.520 --> 0:12:29.520 of me being inauthentic to telling the person hiring me yep, 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:33.920 but I deliver yep. So it is, it is there, Yes, 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:35.839 it is so there is surely has got to be 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:37.320 a little bit of play in this one. 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:39.280 And that's why I said before. 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:43.680 Sometimes our personalities that get us into places and spaces 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:48.200 and meetings, et cetera, they can be used for good. Right, So, 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:51.800 like a hyperachiever, for example, if that is their persona 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:54.400 that they have built that has gotten them across the 0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:58.160 line in many areas of life, amazing, if that gets 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.680 them promoted, if that gets them ahead here or wherever 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:02.240 good for you. 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:04.600 You know, it's when it starts to. 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:12.199 Dominate their life where they then keep chasing that at 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:15.920 the expense of whatever that might be the expense of 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:20.240 their family, the expense of listening to their soul, the 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:23.400 expense of being able to rest, because they're just now 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:25.960 so used to hyperachieving that they have to get the chase, 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:27.480 they have to chase, they have to get the win. 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:29.079 What I talk. 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:32.040 About is when it becomes the leading role in our 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:34.200 life that gets a little tricky. 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:39.360 Tell me about what we might be able to do 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:42.800 to because this might be the first time someone's considered this, 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.800 or they might have heard this, and God, no, no, no, 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:48.800 I'm definitely authentic, and I'll ask it in this way 0:13:49.600 --> 0:13:52.800 just through I don't even care how it happened. But 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:57.960 I know that I rarely get context clues from a 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:01.400 situation that I'm in. Something's going in a good or 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:06.960 bad direction? Right, Just notice inside my body, Ah, that's weird. 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:07.720 Ah, this is. 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:11.160 Usually my notice thing that something's not great here. Like 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:13.960 I don't notice something sometimes I don't just where my 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:16.680 brain is. Sometimes I don't know faces or emotion sometimes, 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:19.800 but my body does, and so maybe that's the way 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:24.200 to answer the question. But how might we explore and 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.160 how a might being the feeling of inauthenticity show. 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:28.000 Up within us. 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:31.800 It's such a good question, and you pointed out just 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:37.800 a really important one body awareness. So if before, you know, like, 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.720 for example, me coming here, if I'm relaxed, if I'm good, 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:42.920 if I'm just you know, fluffing up my hair and 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:43.960 getting ready, et cetera. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.120 Great hair by the way, like it's whatever's going on there, 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.280 you know it's a perm. Well, now this is a 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:52.280 thing that's as a perm supreme. 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:52.880 Thank you. 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:57.040 It's supreme, because I mean, I'm very lucky. 0:14:57.120 --> 0:14:59.280 I'm nearly fifty one. I've got all my own hair. 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.640 That's pretty You've got Filipino Filipina going on here. So 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:04.960 there's like a lot of follicle you can work with. 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:06.600 Pretty good. 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:08.280 They are thick follicles. 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:09.960 Be there's a joint. 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:11.680 I was actually thinking about it because you know, I'm 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:14.080 in the mullet years, and I was asking. 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:16.040 You always ask them hair and makeup artists where should 0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:16.160 I go? 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:18.960 And they get there's a place, and it's in Haymarket 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:22.200 and they only do Korean boy band mullets. It's the 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.880 only thing they do. That's it. They just look after 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:27.080 all of your ts boys, and that's the one haircut. 0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:28.920 Go get it. 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:31.880 I might have to be it's the one. 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:34.000 It's there's no like, there's no photos of like which 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:35.040 one I want to seventeen? 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:37.160 Please? Wan? The shortback and eye is like, nope, you're 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:39.600 getting that one. You get the BTS. That's it. 0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:44.040 But they do perms, they perm they perm the boys. 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:47.280 I ask every year, I say to my hairdresser, are 0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:49.480 you are you with me for another year? Because what 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:51.960 the hell am I going to do without you? And 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:56.360 this perm it is. I appreciate the acknowledgment' thank you. 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.040 I can't remember what we're talking about before. We were 0:15:58.040 --> 0:15:59.320 talking about recognizing things now. 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:01.200 Were so yeah before. 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:04.080 If I'm there fluffing my hair, feeling good, feeling relaxed 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:07.320 in the uber, feeling chill, and then when I rock 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:12.840 up to the building and I notice, like I said before, 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:16.160 if I'm holding my stomach, or if I'm feeling really 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:18.200 tight in my chest, if I'm only breathing in the 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:21.120 upper area of my chest and not deep into my belly, 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:24.040 or if I'm clenching my jaw. If my shoulders are 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:28.240 really tight, that's a really beautiful indicator of hey, hey, 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:31.560 something might be going on here, and what is going 0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:36.760 on here? So body awareness is it's such a big clue. 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:39.920 It's such a big clue because your body is there 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:41.960 in time and space and if we can get out 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.920 of our head to acknowledge what is currently going in 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:47.640 my body? Can I do a quick body scan of 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:49.360 all right, there's something going on in my gut? 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:51.200 Is there an emotion there? Okay? 0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:55.320 Is that emotion pizza last night? Is it still fucking 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:56.240 with me? Or? 0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:57.280 Am I scared? 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:01.920 Exactly? Exactly? I know it's going to be scared because 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:02.280 now I. 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:10.639 Don't do very very fast or anymore? Am I like do? Okay? 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:13.080 So if I'm scared, then what story might I be 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:17.360 telling myself? I'm I'm less than usher, I'm not as 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:20.400 cool as Usher. What if I stuff up on this 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:25.680 and it's like okay, cool? How can I get present again? 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.520 How can I come back into my relaxed, at ease 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:32.240 and natural self. And for every single person, that's going 0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:34.399 to be something different. It might be a little phrase, 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.080 it might be a little tap, might be you know, 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:41.359 just a quiet you know, pad on the chest or 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:44.240 a little rub of the legs or just closing of 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:49.400 the eyes for me as another example, if people find 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:53.480 it difficult for body awareness, what I tend to find 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:58.840 is when I am inauthentic or when I am off, 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.919 I like I drain my energy really quickly. Now I 0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.560 know that still comes back to body awareness, but it's 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:09.359 like I go to something and I had all this 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:12.640 energy and I come back and I'm ruined. 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:13.680 I'm spent. 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:16.040 I've got nothing left in me, none of me is 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:19.520 left intact. Right, So again I know that comes down 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:22.960 to body awareness, but it's like, wow, how much did 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:23.639 I give out? 0:18:23.720 --> 0:18:25.760 And was that necessary? 0:18:26.320 --> 0:18:29.520 And if it wasn't necessary, then why did I feel 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:32.800 the need to give that much out? Again, it comes 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:35.160 to what's the story going on in my head? What's 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:36.920 the belief rattling around in there? 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:38.320 And what are some things we might be able to 0:18:38.320 --> 0:18:41.480 do to identify what that story is. 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:46.640 So like I write in my book and I didn't 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:47.960 mean that. 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:50.159 Actually didn't mean that. 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:56.560 You can buy a PDF course always be closing. 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:57.760 My husband says that too. 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:06.520 There is an exercise in there called the ego clearing exercise, Right, 0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:11.720 so you know, that picture of the iceberg, So there's 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:13.840 a little bit above the water and there's like a 0:19:13.880 --> 0:19:17.359 shit ton below the water. This is what it does. 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:20.000 That's what the ego clearing exercise is meant to do. 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:22.720 It's meant to deep dive into the stuff that goes 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:24.879 on inside of your head. So part of it is 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:28.640 what's the situation. Situation is I had an event. I've 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:33.040 come away from it and I am completely spent. None 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:35.919 of me is left intact. So situation is that's what 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:39.080 I did, and now I feel like this thoughts are 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:42.520 I felt like I needed to perform. I felt like 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:44.639 I needed to impress. I felt like I needed to 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:47.199 be important. I felt like I needed to whatever it 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:51.480 might be. And then we take the tool a little 0:19:51.480 --> 0:19:53.439 bit deeper where we go, what am I now making 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:54.320 this mean about me? 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:55.200 Right? 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:58.320 Because that's what the ego does. It puts a lot 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.880 of meaning on ourself. That can it then compares ourself 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:04.800 against others, and then it can have a pretty jaded 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:10.440 view of life. So if we use that example, what 0:20:10.600 --> 0:20:14.159 the ego might be making it mean about yourself is 0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:18.959 as I am, I'm not enough. Everyone else seems to 0:20:19.040 --> 0:20:23.680 have that something they've got the factor. They got the sparkle. 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:26.080 They were born with something that I don't have. I 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.439 have to work doubly as hard as what they have to. 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:31.520 And so we're starting to get into Okay, here is 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:35.600 some painful territory. No one wants to do this work, 0:20:36.000 --> 0:20:39.000 but I believe it's important work. Right to we start 0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:41.720 to get to know ourselves. And that's why I call 0:20:41.760 --> 0:20:44.600 it befriending the ego. It's not about pretending it doesn't exist. 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:47.800 It's about really coming close to it and going what's 0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:48.520 going on here? 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:50.680 And so if that's. 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:54.240 What it believes about yourself and then about others, then 0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:58.000 usually that's when it will start to say life's unfair, 0:20:58.520 --> 0:21:02.320 life's a joke. It easier than me. Life's not, you know, 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:05.480 supporting me. The universe doesn't have my back, whatever it 0:21:05.520 --> 0:21:09.000 might be. The next two questions are, if I remained 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:10.760 focused on this, what's the outcome? 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:11.360 Right? 0:21:11.359 --> 0:21:13.679 If I remain focused on I am not enough as 0:21:13.720 --> 0:21:17.640 I am, what's the outcome? The outcome is you'll never 0:21:17.680 --> 0:21:20.199 get to know who you are because you'll forever be 0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:22.440 thinking that you have to be more. 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:24.360 Than who you are. 0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:28.320 And the last question of the exercise is what's my 0:21:28.480 --> 0:21:31.120 true next best step or what's my truth? Or where 0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:33.879 would I rather place my focus? Or what am I 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.680 going to make matter that is more than this? And 0:21:36.720 --> 0:21:40.320 that's where the work begins. Right. Everyone's answer to that 0:21:40.440 --> 0:21:44.080 question is going to be very personal, and that I 0:21:44.160 --> 0:21:46.879 believe comes from our intuition or in a voice or 0:21:46.920 --> 0:21:50.040 maybe a therapist, maybe the you know, when you're out 0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:51.800 in nature and just something comes to you. 0:21:53.040 --> 0:21:55.919 As an example, what could that next best step look like? 0:21:55.960 --> 0:21:58.119 In the example you've given of, like, I've been in 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:01.240 a work thing and absolutely cooked by the end of it, 0:22:01.280 --> 0:22:03.280 way more than I normally am. It was so far 0:22:03.359 --> 0:22:08.119 from what I'm comfortable, and you've done all these things. 0:22:07.760 --> 0:22:10.919 What it's the final moment there? What's the next best 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:12.919 step look like? What can it look like? 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:13.400 Yeah? 0:22:13.480 --> 0:22:16.440 So what it can look like is, for an example, 0:22:17.200 --> 0:22:20.639 deeper self inquiry into this. So, for example, that deeper 0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:24.080 self inquiry might look like, how often am I doing this? 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:27.840 How often am I doing this? Am I doing this 0:22:27.920 --> 0:22:31.080 more than I've cared to acknowledge? And if then that 0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:34.359 person starts to see a real pattern, a real pattern 0:22:34.400 --> 0:22:37.760 that has played across their relationships, their work, wherever it 0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:42.800 may be, then that next best step would lead to 0:22:43.920 --> 0:22:44.800 where is this come from? 0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:45.560 Right? 0:22:45.600 --> 0:22:47.640 Because some people don't know where their beliefs have come from. 0:22:47.960 --> 0:22:50.600 They don't know why it's there. They don't know what 0:22:50.680 --> 0:22:53.920 might have happened in childhood or whatever whatever it might be. 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:58.520 Where did this belief come from? And did it come 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:02.680 from watching my dad or my mum or my caregiver. 0:23:03.680 --> 0:23:05.719 Was it a societal belief that I just took on? 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:08.679 Was it sibling rivalry and I thought I have to 0:23:08.720 --> 0:23:11.600 be better than my older brother or more important than 0:23:11.640 --> 0:23:15.040 my younger sister, whatever it might be another next best step? 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:22.040 If I can have this belief and not make. 0:23:21.920 --> 0:23:27.720 It like the springboard that I behave from what life 0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:31.880 could be possible? How could it be when I walked 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:35.000 into a room. How could it be when I ran 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.040 a management meeting? How could it be when I speak 0:23:38.040 --> 0:23:42.040 in front of everyone here? To start tapping into some 0:23:42.160 --> 0:23:43.560 kind of realm of possibility? 0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:48.080 I find it quite useful to then name that. 0:23:48.480 --> 0:23:50.360 Yeah, what do you mean? Tell me more? 0:23:50.440 --> 0:23:50.720 Well? 0:23:51.040 --> 0:23:54.239 I give him dumb names. Yeah, really, I give him 0:23:54.280 --> 0:23:58.840 dumb superhero names. Well, Captain Catastrophe. He's fucking great at 0:23:58.840 --> 0:24:02.159 what he does. And so when I sometimes when I 0:24:02.160 --> 0:24:04.800 get that feeling. It's meant to take a while at first, 0:24:04.800 --> 0:24:06.840 but once you notice it, it's not like you can 0:24:06.880 --> 0:24:09.680 stop this stuff from happening, all right, no one, no, 0:24:09.760 --> 0:24:11.480 not at all. It is some of this stuff is 0:24:11.520 --> 0:24:15.120 so hardwired. It is like source code. You simply can't 0:24:15.200 --> 0:24:17.800 ride over. And that's okay if you know how to 0:24:17.840 --> 0:24:22.000 manage it. And so that shows up the moment I 0:24:22.119 --> 0:24:26.560 notice it, like, ah, there's captain catastrophe, thanks pal, I'm 0:24:26.560 --> 0:24:28.920 just going to keep doing this thing, thanks man, rather 0:24:29.000 --> 0:24:30.160 than and because then. 0:24:30.080 --> 0:24:30.640 It's just there. 0:24:30.880 --> 0:24:33.000 As soon as you notice it, it's separate from you, 0:24:33.240 --> 0:24:37.240 and you find yourself a lot freer to make decisions 0:24:37.280 --> 0:24:40.320 that aren't based in that there. It can be tricky 0:24:40.320 --> 0:24:44.160 because it sometimes takes about twenty minutes for those hormonal 0:24:44.200 --> 0:24:48.360 floods to dissipate, and sometimes I've got to be very 0:24:48.359 --> 0:24:50.280 careful about how I'm breathing and stuff like that, so 0:24:50.320 --> 0:24:54.240 I don't make a choice from that heightened state. But 0:24:54.920 --> 0:24:57.760 you know, if you are, if you're really swinging for 0:24:57.800 --> 0:24:59.679 the fences in life, you're going to be exposing yourself 0:24:59.720 --> 0:25:03.000 to the that are for intense And I'm a firm 0:25:03.000 --> 0:25:05.040 believer and you've got to go. You've got to go 0:25:05.080 --> 0:25:09.119 to the point where things are frightening. Otherwise it just 0:25:09.240 --> 0:25:14.000 everything gets so boring, looking in places that possibly aren't 0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:18.199 healthy for stimulation. Yeah, when we speak about authenticity, we 0:25:18.240 --> 0:25:22.560 see authenticity in relationship to I want to be loved, 0:25:22.640 --> 0:25:25.920 or I want to be of service, or here's my values. 0:25:26.560 --> 0:25:30.080 But we rarely see conversations around authenticity when it comes 0:25:30.119 --> 0:25:38.080 to anger upset, which are normal human emotions. What's the 0:25:38.160 --> 0:25:42.760 challenge in that, and how can we perhaps find a 0:25:42.840 --> 0:25:46.160 space for anger to authentically show up in a safe 0:25:46.200 --> 0:25:50.919 way so that we don't then make choices from that place. 0:25:51.480 --> 0:25:55.000 It's a really great point, and I think that sort 0:25:55.040 --> 0:25:57.159 of two points. The immediate one that comes up is 0:25:57.880 --> 0:26:04.040 anger is an authentic emotion, right, same as sadness, shame, whatever, 0:26:04.119 --> 0:26:09.400 whatever like that is an authentic, real, raw natural emotion. 0:26:11.200 --> 0:26:11.679 I reckon. 0:26:11.920 --> 0:26:15.560 The second part is, especially in my world, coaching world, 0:26:16.000 --> 0:26:23.080 or the spiritual world, personal development world, it's this, this 0:26:23.200 --> 0:26:24.840 is a fine line that I dance with it, but 0:26:24.880 --> 0:26:27.640 there's always it's like better better better better better better 0:26:27.640 --> 0:26:29.920 better better better, do better, be better, positive, be better, 0:26:29.920 --> 0:26:31.639 be positive, be better, be happy, be positive. 0:26:31.720 --> 0:26:39.119 Written on the podcast, mate, I know it does what 0:26:39.240 --> 0:26:40.760 it says on the box. 0:26:42.640 --> 0:26:45.400 Hoops, not at all. It's quite design. I am here 0:26:45.440 --> 0:26:45.679 with you. 0:26:45.920 --> 0:26:47.880 Yeah, yeah, no, I know you are. I know you are. 0:26:49.840 --> 0:26:54.920 It's it almost becomes that's not that's not a very 0:26:54.960 --> 0:26:58.360 spiritual thing. Is it getting angry? That's not a very this. 0:26:58.359 --> 0:26:59.680 Is the thing? Yeah? 0:26:59.480 --> 0:27:02.600 Yeah, ah, that's so. I thought you went to a 0:27:02.640 --> 0:27:04.639 course and you know you're still angry. 0:27:04.680 --> 0:27:05.879 Did you do that weekend thing. 0:27:08.400 --> 0:27:12.720 You did? Ayahuascar? I thought you had some incredible revelation. 0:27:13.160 --> 0:27:23.360 You wrote a book on authenticity, Like, how come you're 0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:25.840 still an angry little bitch? 0:27:26.359 --> 0:27:26.560 Right? 0:27:27.640 --> 0:27:33.959 Because I'm freaking human, you know, And and that. 0:27:32.160 --> 0:27:33.240 That's what I talk about. 0:27:33.640 --> 0:27:35.919 And again, I really don't mean to keep referencing the 0:27:35.920 --> 0:27:38.400 book to plug it. It's just what's in my book, right, 0:27:39.720 --> 0:27:40.960 because I know you're giving you hang. 0:27:42.160 --> 0:27:45.960 But this is the deal, all right? Tickets to the 0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:48.040 Story Club you can check in the show notes. 0:27:50.960 --> 0:27:52.399 Look at us doing our own ads? 0:27:52.840 --> 0:27:54.919 How good? Else? Else is how good are we? 0:27:55.680 --> 0:27:57.840 At the At the end of it, in the epilogue, 0:27:57.880 --> 0:28:00.879 I write about the Forever Dance. It's actually it's actually 0:28:00.960 --> 0:28:05.400 my favorite part of it because I talk about how 0:28:05.600 --> 0:28:10.960 one moment you're gonna feel like you're farting unicorn rainbows, 0:28:11.000 --> 0:28:13.520 that you're on top of the world. Everything's in flow, 0:28:13.600 --> 0:28:16.560 the universe has got your back. Your wife's being a legend, 0:28:16.600 --> 0:28:19.560 your kids are awesome, and you're like, oh my gosh, 0:28:19.880 --> 0:28:22.760 everything is on my side. And then someone cuts you 0:28:22.800 --> 0:28:25.000 off in traffic. Your wife then sends you a funny 0:28:25.000 --> 0:28:27.360 little text or gives you a funny look. Your kids 0:28:27.359 --> 0:28:28.560 are being just a little. 0:28:28.320 --> 0:28:29.920 Bit more noisy than what they usually would. 0:28:30.000 --> 0:28:32.760 That's gnawing on your perfect alignment that you're having before, 0:28:33.040 --> 0:28:34.960 and you're not feeling so ace, and you start to 0:28:35.000 --> 0:28:36.880 get angry, and you start to get resentful, you start 0:28:36.880 --> 0:28:38.240 to feel ungrateful for your life. 0:28:38.760 --> 0:28:43.240 And that's it, right, That is the dance. 0:28:42.960 --> 0:28:46.600 Of being human, where we move from and in and 0:28:46.800 --> 0:28:49.000 out of authenticity. 0:28:49.720 --> 0:28:52.400 There are layers to it, there are levels to it. 0:28:52.440 --> 0:28:54.960 There's a sliding scale of it, and sometimes we are 0:28:55.080 --> 0:28:58.200 so close to it that it's like we've died and 0:28:58.240 --> 0:29:02.440 gone to heaven, and other times we are so far 0:29:02.560 --> 0:29:04.920 away from it. And my point that I love to 0:29:04.960 --> 0:29:08.080 share is that it's all okay, Like it's one hundred 0:29:08.080 --> 0:29:11.560 percent all okay now, Obviously, there's the big asterisks of 0:29:12.720 --> 0:29:15.960 we want to be able to in safe ways express 0:29:15.960 --> 0:29:19.160 our anger, whether it be boxing, whether it be gone 0:29:19.160 --> 0:29:21.960 for a run, whether it be I don't know, angry dancing, 0:29:22.000 --> 0:29:25.800 whether it be screaming into a pillow, taking a drive 0:29:25.880 --> 0:29:28.360 and just listening to Metallica. 0:29:28.880 --> 0:29:31.160 Why would I want to listen to soft rock? Why 0:29:31.160 --> 0:29:32.600 would I want to listen to like Middle of the 0:29:32.680 --> 0:29:34.160 Road old Man music. 0:29:34.080 --> 0:29:37.600 Middle of the Road, old man music. What would you 0:29:37.680 --> 0:29:38.080 listen to? 0:29:38.480 --> 0:29:40.680 Oh, I'll tell you what I was listening to. 0:29:40.760 --> 0:29:45.640 Go oh, okay, okay, whilst you were angry, or just. 0:29:45.320 --> 0:29:48.760 Look, let's just say that my electric Harley Davidson and 0:29:48.800 --> 0:29:50.360 I had a really fun drive here. 0:29:52.760 --> 0:30:05.479 Listening to It's good. If you're being cut off by 0:30:05.480 --> 0:30:10.360 an Audi Q seven registration, this is really useful. 0:30:10.960 --> 0:30:13.520 Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. 0:30:13.080 --> 0:30:17.720 Australian Australian kind of hardcore electronica from nineteen ninety five, 0:30:17.840 --> 0:30:22.120 using eight bit samples. It sounds like sandpaper. It's terrifying, 0:30:22.160 --> 0:30:23.480 but sometimes useful. 0:30:24.920 --> 0:30:26.720 We all have our ill. 0:30:26.600 --> 0:30:27.400 Keep derailing it. 0:30:27.880 --> 0:30:31.640 I love it, but anger and in the context, I'm 0:30:31.800 --> 0:30:34.600 number two of four boys went to an all boys school. 0:30:35.880 --> 0:30:36.240 Anger. 0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:41.960 I don't think I ever saw healthy anger expression, okay, 0:30:42.160 --> 0:30:45.480 and what I when I saw anger expressed, it's something 0:30:45.520 --> 0:30:50.320 I did not like. And so expressing anger is something 0:30:50.400 --> 0:30:51.920 that I generally don't do. 0:30:53.200 --> 0:30:55.479 If it does happen, I have so little practice at 0:30:55.520 --> 0:30:58.000 it does not go well. 0:30:58.120 --> 0:31:03.560 Right, How can we, you know, perhaps help young men 0:31:04.680 --> 0:31:08.880 around their understanding what anger is and expressing it and 0:31:08.920 --> 0:31:09.520 processing it. 0:31:10.240 --> 0:31:13.640 In my view, it needs to be exampled. Right. So 0:31:14.560 --> 0:31:19.640 similar to me growing up anger, my mom never expressed it. 0:31:19.760 --> 0:31:20.680 My dad didn't. 0:31:20.680 --> 0:31:23.560 The way he did it was like, oh gosh, that's 0:31:23.640 --> 0:31:26.280 just so it was like icy and the energy in 0:31:26.320 --> 0:31:28.800 the room was just like, oh my gosh, this is horrible. 0:31:29.640 --> 0:31:33.280 And the way that he would voice things out. 0:31:33.840 --> 0:31:35.160 And so it's interesting. 0:31:35.200 --> 0:31:38.960 I've got two step daughters, they're eighteen and sixteen, and 0:31:39.200 --> 0:31:42.360 oh gosh, when you become a parent or bonus parent, 0:31:42.400 --> 0:31:43.480 I try to say bonus. 0:31:43.240 --> 0:31:48.040 Parents, it's a it's a whole different road than that's 0:31:48.120 --> 0:31:50.719 another podcast. That's another podcast series. 0:31:50.720 --> 0:31:55.600 Oh my gosh, I would happily talk on that one. 0:31:55.920 --> 0:31:57.280 I learned a lot. 0:31:58.800 --> 0:32:01.720 About my stuff that I thought was neatly tight and 0:32:01.840 --> 0:32:03.680 packed away and then they. 0:32:03.560 --> 0:32:05.160 Just go flickick CLICKI clickick click. 0:32:05.880 --> 0:32:08.960 So when I come if I come back to the 0:32:08.960 --> 0:32:13.440 point of exampling it, when I get angry, I oh 0:32:13.480 --> 0:32:17.240 my gosh, I internalize it, and it's like I I 0:32:17.400 --> 0:32:20.000 se out the whole house. The whole entire energy of 0:32:20.000 --> 0:32:24.280 the house gets warped, and no one knows what to do. 0:32:24.480 --> 0:32:28.200 They're walking like, can I go here, can I step here? 0:32:28.240 --> 0:32:29.880 Can I talk to her? Can I not talk to her? 0:32:30.720 --> 0:32:33.160 And I started to notice I was actually just repeating 0:32:33.160 --> 0:32:37.360 what my dad did, which is not something I felt 0:32:37.360 --> 0:32:38.200 proud of. 0:32:38.280 --> 0:32:39.040 When I was doing. 0:32:38.880 --> 0:32:42.320 It liberally didn't happen. 0:32:43.800 --> 0:32:44.360 Automatic. 0:32:45.120 --> 0:32:49.600 So what I have done to be an example is 0:32:49.640 --> 0:32:54.080 that when that happens, because it is literally seconds seconds 0:32:54.120 --> 0:32:57.840 where my body just goes head goes bang, I have 0:32:58.080 --> 0:33:04.360 learned and learning continually to communicate when I'm like that, 0:33:04.800 --> 0:33:09.320 And it is so freaking hard to just say I'm 0:33:09.360 --> 0:33:13.720 not okay right now. I just said a minute, it's 0:33:13.840 --> 0:33:18.840 actually got nothing to do with you or reengage soon, right. 0:33:20.960 --> 0:33:22.800 How does you know an eleven year old or a 0:33:22.800 --> 0:33:24.000 twelve year old deal with that? 0:33:24.680 --> 0:33:31.080 Surprisingly, these two girls, they're freaking legends, you know, I 0:33:31.120 --> 0:33:32.040 know in age, you. 0:33:31.960 --> 0:33:33.640 Think they're only eleven, they're only twelve. 0:33:34.800 --> 0:33:40.400 They love that level of authenticity, right, And that's authenticity. 0:33:40.440 --> 0:33:43.760 It's being real, it's being real like in that moment, 0:33:43.880 --> 0:33:44.800 this is where I am. 0:33:44.920 --> 0:33:47.360 This is where I'm at, and I'm owning it, and 0:33:47.400 --> 0:33:49.800 I'm not proud of it. And that's what my younger 0:33:49.840 --> 0:33:53.960 stepdaughter says to me. She says, she calls me kitty. 0:33:54.200 --> 0:33:57.600 She says, the reason why I never stay mad at 0:33:57.600 --> 0:34:00.440 you whenever you get like that is because you own 0:34:00.520 --> 0:34:01.960 up to it. 0:34:02.000 --> 0:34:03.120 Is because you own up to it. 0:34:03.160 --> 0:34:06.920 And sometimes I actually can't muster the strength to get 0:34:06.960 --> 0:34:09.319 the words out of me physically. So then we've got 0:34:09.320 --> 0:34:12.840 a group family text message. I'll send them a message 0:34:13.160 --> 0:34:16.480 and I'll say, I know you can feel where I'm 0:34:16.480 --> 0:34:21.000 at right now. This is what's actually going on. It's 0:34:21.040 --> 0:34:24.880 got nothing to do with you. Just give me a moment. 0:34:25.560 --> 0:34:28.799 Right when I come back. After I've had my moment, 0:34:28.840 --> 0:34:31.640 I've done my work, I've ego cleared, or I've danced 0:34:31.680 --> 0:34:33.520 it out, or I've listened to the song that you 0:34:33.520 --> 0:34:35.800 were listening to before, which I won't say the name of. 0:34:38.120 --> 0:34:42.120 They just welcome me back in. And you know what's interesting, 0:34:42.280 --> 0:34:44.359 Might I say, they now do the. 0:34:44.280 --> 0:34:48.440 Same thing and that's it, as you would and I 0:34:48.440 --> 0:34:51.120 say it all the time, like the hardest thing about parenting, 0:34:51.160 --> 0:34:53.399 it's not the sleep. It's not done it. They don't 0:34:53.400 --> 0:34:54.719 do what you tell them, but they do everything you 0:34:54.719 --> 0:34:57.120 show them. And so you're the one that has to 0:34:57.160 --> 0:34:59.280 do any changing if you want them to do anything. 0:34:59.320 --> 0:35:07.319 And intense part of you know, speaking about processing and 0:35:07.400 --> 0:35:11.279 doing doing that work is like anger is a is 0:35:11.320 --> 0:35:14.000 a very important emotion. It can be a very important 0:35:14.080 --> 0:35:17.359 signal it is important for us to go we'll haang 0:35:17.400 --> 0:35:21.040 on a second, why what was my expectation? And that can, 0:35:21.280 --> 0:35:24.080 in my experience, can help dissipate anger pretty quickly. But 0:35:24.120 --> 0:35:26.359 also anger is a really good motivator like pain. Pain 0:35:26.440 --> 0:35:30.280 is a really good if you can quickly get anger 0:35:30.360 --> 0:35:33.640 into a positive decision point to take you in a 0:35:33.680 --> 0:35:36.000 different direction so a situation doesn't happen again, it's actually 0:35:36.000 --> 0:35:37.480 pretty useful. 0:35:36.880 --> 0:35:39.759 Ye, just taking a quick break from cat back in 0:35:39.800 --> 0:35:40.480 a moment. 0:35:46.960 --> 0:35:48.440 We talked about, you know what it is to you, 0:35:48.440 --> 0:35:51.080 you know, to be authentic a work in a relationship. 0:35:51.360 --> 0:35:56.080 Ways that we might identify why is it important to 0:35:57.360 --> 0:36:02.759 find our authenticity and the distance between that and the 0:36:02.800 --> 0:36:06.320 experience we're actually having, or things where choices we're making. 0:36:06.880 --> 0:36:08.719 What are some things that can happen to us if 0:36:08.719 --> 0:36:10.560 we are out of that alignment? 0:36:10.600 --> 0:36:13.600 And more are what are some ways that might show 0:36:13.719 --> 0:36:16.480 up as a way of coping with the distance between 0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:20.600 now authentic self and the life that we're living. 0:36:20.960 --> 0:36:24.239 Well, that's a big question coming back to one of 0:36:24.280 --> 0:36:26.480 your questions that you said just then about why is 0:36:26.520 --> 0:36:33.279 it important in my view when we are not in 0:36:33.320 --> 0:36:37.120 touch with ourselves, not in check, not in June, not close. 0:36:37.719 --> 0:36:43.239 Like literally, we are creating lives and outcomes of our 0:36:43.280 --> 0:36:49.239 life day by day, moment by moment. And it's like 0:36:49.280 --> 0:36:52.440 my husband actually says this, It's like you want to 0:36:52.440 --> 0:36:59.840 fly from Melbourne to Japan, but there's this other little 0:37:00.000 --> 0:37:04.080 but that's like, ah, I actually want to fly this way, right, 0:37:04.120 --> 0:37:06.239 So you want to go to Japan, But then this 0:37:06.360 --> 0:37:08.680 other voice is directing you to go and you end 0:37:08.760 --> 0:37:14.960 up in Antarctica. We can end up in completely different 0:37:15.719 --> 0:37:19.279 destinations where I think, how at some point in our 0:37:19.320 --> 0:37:23.600 lives we wake up and go where am I and 0:37:24.360 --> 0:37:27.880 what is this? And is this it? And what am 0:37:27.920 --> 0:37:31.640 I doing? Why am I doing this? Is this important 0:37:31.640 --> 0:37:33.160 to me? Does this matter to me, and then we 0:37:33.239 --> 0:37:37.400 have this incredible existential crisis moment. 0:37:37.600 --> 0:37:37.880 Right. 0:37:38.800 --> 0:37:42.400 Sometimes we need that. Sometimes we need those full blown 0:37:42.520 --> 0:37:45.560 Gnali wake up calls where maybe along the way we 0:37:45.600 --> 0:37:48.959 haven't listened. There's been these nudges, There's been people along 0:37:48.960 --> 0:37:51.160 the way they're like, is this really kind of where 0:37:51.200 --> 0:37:53.719 you want to go? We've heard that in a voice, 0:37:53.719 --> 0:37:54.960 and we're like, what the hell is out? I don't 0:37:54.960 --> 0:37:57.440 want to listen to that, and we keep We think 0:37:57.480 --> 0:38:00.200 we're going to Japan, but we end up in Antarctica. 0:38:00.480 --> 0:38:02.400 Why is it freezing? Why is it cold? Why am 0:38:02.400 --> 0:38:04.600 I unprepared for this? Why is this not fulfilling? Why 0:38:04.640 --> 0:38:06.160 is this not the destination that I want to be? 0:38:06.200 --> 0:38:07.000 There is no Ramen? 0:38:07.480 --> 0:38:08.800 There is no Ramen? 0:38:09.360 --> 0:38:12.279 What is this? Where is my bullet train? Why is 0:38:12.320 --> 0:38:14.120 there no B day on the bullet train? 0:38:14.160 --> 0:38:16.160 Oh my gosh, I love how your brain works. 0:38:16.239 --> 0:38:21.960 True though, you don't know what actual technological enhancement of 0:38:22.040 --> 0:38:25.520 life is until you have used a Toto B day 0:38:25.760 --> 0:38:30.239 at three hundred and five kilometers an hour between Kyoto 0:38:31.400 --> 0:38:35.879 and Narita Airport, Like this is azing. Just the push 0:38:35.920 --> 0:38:38.279 a button, I know, and I'm doing three hundred ks 0:38:38.280 --> 0:38:42.520 an hour as Mount Fuji is out the window and. 0:38:42.520 --> 0:38:45.680 See, wouldn't you prefer to be there? Then Antarctica with. 0:38:45.719 --> 0:38:52.319 A clean bottom. It's it's amazing, it's amazing. 0:38:54.520 --> 0:38:57.480 Now that's the dream, that's that's where we want to be. 0:38:57.640 --> 0:39:01.000 We want clean eating ramen in Japan on. 0:39:00.960 --> 0:39:04.360 The Just push that when you go to Japan. Just 0:39:04.360 --> 0:39:07.840 push the button. Just push the button. Don't be afraid 0:39:08.080 --> 0:39:10.480 far out. 0:39:11.000 --> 0:39:13.520 And this is where have you heard of the enneagram before? 0:39:13.880 --> 0:39:19.000 What is the So the enneagram are nine different personality profiles. 0:39:19.600 --> 0:39:23.520 It's this beautiful way of seeing our personalities in action. 0:39:23.840 --> 0:39:25.439 Like I was sharing before and what we were talking 0:39:25.440 --> 0:39:26.000 about before. 0:39:26.280 --> 0:39:29.960 Sometimes our personalities are really awesome and they can get 0:39:30.040 --> 0:39:33.040 us into call places, spaces, et cetera. And then other 0:39:33.120 --> 0:39:37.200 times when they are the leading a leading man woman 0:39:37.239 --> 0:39:40.440 in our life, not so great. So there's the reformer, 0:39:40.480 --> 0:39:43.640 which is about being a perfectionist. There's the helper, people pleaser, 0:39:44.520 --> 0:39:48.839 the achiever, the individualist, the investigator, the challenger, the peacemaker. 0:39:49.880 --> 0:39:52.680 And I love I love that work. I love that 0:39:52.719 --> 0:39:55.000 work because, like I was sharing before, there's a sliding 0:39:55.040 --> 0:39:58.160 scale to our personality. And coming back to a question 0:39:58.200 --> 0:40:01.760 why I believe it's important is because when our people pleaser, 0:40:01.840 --> 0:40:05.040 for example, is way too far up the front and 0:40:05.160 --> 0:40:09.160 puts everyone in front of them, wants to help everyone, 0:40:09.320 --> 0:40:10.720 wants to do everything for everyone. 0:40:10.840 --> 0:40:11.319 Is a Mary. 0:40:11.440 --> 0:40:13.520 I don't have needs, I don't need your help. I'm good, 0:40:13.600 --> 0:40:15.239 I'm fine. Don't cook for me, don't clean for me. 0:40:15.320 --> 0:40:16.560 I'll do it for you. I'll do it for you. 0:40:17.640 --> 0:40:21.560 In the back of them, they have got expectations that 0:40:21.640 --> 0:40:25.120 are building up that they don't know about. If they're 0:40:25.200 --> 0:40:29.200 unaware they're doing, they're doing there being everything for everyone 0:40:29.239 --> 0:40:33.400 whilst building up this expectation pile building up resentment. 0:40:33.880 --> 0:40:36.520 That box is getting very very very very full. 0:40:37.040 --> 0:40:39.520 And if they don't get back the amount of love 0:40:40.000 --> 0:40:46.080 that they're giving out, they ain't happy, right that anger 0:40:46.120 --> 0:40:49.440 comes out, So they deny their anger. They don't experience anger. 0:40:49.719 --> 0:40:52.560 They're a positive person, they're a happy person. And then 0:40:52.600 --> 0:40:56.520 they get pissed off and they get miffed. And if 0:40:56.520 --> 0:41:01.080 they dedicate their life to that being a marty being 0:41:01.080 --> 0:41:03.040 pissed off, being a marter being pissed off, where do 0:41:03.120 --> 0:41:05.919 they get to live, Like, when do they get to live? 0:41:06.280 --> 0:41:09.239 What do they actually want? What would they actually like? 0:41:09.400 --> 0:41:13.439 What actually is important to them those questions, and that's 0:41:13.480 --> 0:41:18.040 just for one particular personality type never get asked. And 0:41:18.080 --> 0:41:21.640 to me, have you read the book The Top Five 0:41:21.640 --> 0:41:22.439 Regrets of the Dying. 0:41:22.600 --> 0:41:27.200 Yeah, she's a former palliative care nurse. Yes, who looked 0:41:27.200 --> 0:41:31.000 after people for quite a long career. Yes, and just 0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:33.520 asked the same questions of the people that came under 0:41:33.520 --> 0:41:33.959 her care. 0:41:34.160 --> 0:41:35.880 And they're pretty standard. 0:41:36.239 --> 0:41:37.080 Pretty standard. 0:41:37.560 --> 0:41:40.319 It's not I really wish I scrolled through my phone more. 0:41:40.480 --> 0:41:43.080 It's not that I can guarantee it. 0:41:43.160 --> 0:41:43.400 I know. 0:41:44.000 --> 0:41:44.400 Yeah. 0:41:44.440 --> 0:41:47.040 And it's not that I lived for everyone else. It's 0:41:47.080 --> 0:41:49.719 not that I worked the hardest. It's I wish I 0:41:49.760 --> 0:41:52.279 lived a life more true to me. I wish I 0:41:52.280 --> 0:41:54.680 allowed myself to be more happy. I wish I didn't 0:41:54.719 --> 0:41:58.719 work so hard. I can't remember the other two. There's 0:41:58.800 --> 0:42:00.759 top five, but I can't remember the other We ate more. 0:42:00.800 --> 0:42:06.160 Fiber didn't get so far behind on Survivor because when 0:42:06.200 --> 0:42:10.200 it's like it's been a week and the tribal cons 0:42:10.239 --> 0:42:13.400 will make any sense because I don't know the ramifications 0:42:13.400 --> 0:42:17.080 of what's been going on and now I'm like ten 0:42:17.160 --> 0:42:20.840 hours in, I've got such a time lag. 0:42:22.040 --> 0:42:24.960 That's probably one of the answers she got, that's it, 0:42:25.200 --> 0:42:31.600 it'll be mine. But yeah, so it's it's understanding like. 0:42:33.520 --> 0:42:35.520 What kind of life you end up with If you 0:42:35.560 --> 0:42:38.279 go between Marta and pissed off Marter and pistol Marter 0:42:38.320 --> 0:42:41.160 and pissed off, you'll find yourself in this situation where 0:42:42.320 --> 0:42:46.239 like the pain of your day to day life might 0:42:46.320 --> 0:42:51.920 be so great yep, you might need things outside of 0:42:51.960 --> 0:42:52.880 yourself to manage that. 0:42:53.160 --> 0:42:56.040 Correct, and that can start to become quite unhealthy. 0:42:56.440 --> 0:43:00.640 Correct, And then we get to the end of our life, 0:43:00.920 --> 0:43:03.759 like she talks about in her book, and wonder why 0:43:03.760 --> 0:43:04.239 we did that? 0:43:04.520 --> 0:43:06.200 Why did I do that? Why did I spend my 0:43:06.239 --> 0:43:06.799 life on that? 0:43:07.239 --> 0:43:13.160 For each particular personality type, it'll be different. So, for example, 0:43:13.160 --> 0:43:17.480 there's an achiever in there. They're going, they're going, they're doing, 0:43:17.560 --> 0:43:20.520 they're doing, they're being They're like, they're being going and 0:43:20.520 --> 0:43:25.120 being for everything in order to feel like they're enough, 0:43:25.800 --> 0:43:28.040 in order to feel like they're valid, in order to 0:43:28.080 --> 0:43:29.920 feel like they've got a place in the world, and 0:43:29.920 --> 0:43:34.560 that they've they're earning their place. I mean, all the 0:43:34.600 --> 0:43:38.879 while that that is happening, and they're pushing and they're 0:43:38.920 --> 0:43:44.480 foregoing deeper matters that voice that's calling them to maybe 0:43:44.560 --> 0:43:48.200 take the damn chill pill, to sit and rest and 0:43:48.280 --> 0:43:53.000 be present with your kids, to take a nice stroll 0:43:53.080 --> 0:43:56.880 in a park rather than always have to, I don't know, 0:43:56.960 --> 0:44:02.240 do an iron man or a triathlon. All the while, 0:44:02.280 --> 0:44:05.360 whilst that is being ignored and that push push push 0:44:05.440 --> 0:44:10.840 is going on, their partner is looking elsewhere. Their relationship 0:44:10.880 --> 0:44:13.400 is going down the toilet. Their kids feel like they 0:44:13.440 --> 0:44:18.600 don't have a parental one, parental figure that's just not present, 0:44:19.080 --> 0:44:23.040 so they're more close to the other. They're looking for 0:44:23.120 --> 0:44:26.600 someone else to feel that, to fill that space. And 0:44:27.320 --> 0:44:30.440 as that starts to happen, that person that's pushing and 0:44:30.480 --> 0:44:36.759 going and achieving, there's an emptiness there, you know, there's 0:44:36.800 --> 0:44:41.320 a pit that's just waiting, waiting for them to probably 0:44:41.360 --> 0:44:43.800 get sick, have a heart attack. I used to be 0:44:43.840 --> 0:44:46.800 a nurse. I used to work in the cardiothoracic sward, 0:44:47.080 --> 0:44:52.359 and I looked after pretty much men and forty five 0:44:52.600 --> 0:44:57.040 fifty five, sometimes up to sixty day four without fail. 0:44:57.320 --> 0:45:02.040 They would break down, break down, What have I done 0:45:02.080 --> 0:45:04.560 with my life? Why have I worked so hard? I 0:45:04.600 --> 0:45:06.920 miss my family. I should have taken that holiday with him. 0:45:06.960 --> 0:45:08.879 It's the same thing. 0:45:09.680 --> 0:45:11.600 What do you think needs to happen if people might 0:45:11.640 --> 0:45:13.200 be listening to this going, I don't know. I'm fine, 0:45:13.200 --> 0:45:17.040 it's everybody else. What kind of needs to happen? How 0:45:17.080 --> 0:45:18.840 do people get to that day for a moment without 0:45:18.840 --> 0:45:20.560 meeting you in a cardiac careward? 0:45:20.880 --> 0:45:23.879 You know what, some people might not right. 0:45:23.920 --> 0:45:27.160 I know people in my circle who have got parents 0:45:27.200 --> 0:45:31.320 who are older, who have had multiple heart attacks, multiple stents, strokes, 0:45:31.920 --> 0:45:34.440 and they're back at it, and they're back at it 0:45:34.520 --> 0:45:39.040 and they're back at it. And my dad really bravely 0:45:39.080 --> 0:45:43.520 said to me one day, I commend you for the 0:45:43.560 --> 0:45:44.319 work you do on. 0:45:44.320 --> 0:45:46.600 Yourself because I could never do it. 0:45:46.719 --> 0:45:47.040 Wow. 0:45:47.800 --> 0:45:50.880 And as much as I'd like to do it, I 0:45:50.880 --> 0:45:54.720 think I'm too scared what I'd find out right authentic? 0:45:55.640 --> 0:45:57.040 Yeah, yeah, that was his truth. 0:45:57.440 --> 0:46:03.520 He was being very real, and that actually really shifted 0:46:03.520 --> 0:46:05.640 my perspective because before that I was like, come on, 0:46:05.920 --> 0:46:07.640 just change your life, just do this and do that 0:46:07.719 --> 0:46:09.200 and you'll feel better and you won't be so angry, 0:46:09.239 --> 0:46:11.880 and la la, la la la. It was at that 0:46:12.000 --> 0:46:17.200 point I had a different kind of respect for people 0:46:17.320 --> 0:46:22.319 who are like, still going, still going, no matter what, 0:46:22.400 --> 0:46:24.520 no matter how much the universe is trying to shove 0:46:24.680 --> 0:46:26.120 a wake up call in their face. 0:46:27.960 --> 0:46:28.400 I don't know. 0:46:28.640 --> 0:46:31.799 There are some people that maybe just won't wake up 0:46:31.840 --> 0:46:35.879 to it and don't want to, like my dad, and 0:46:36.719 --> 0:46:37.600 I've got to respect that. 0:46:39.239 --> 0:46:40.839 I know some people out there might be listening. 0:46:40.840 --> 0:46:43.200 They're like, Oh, if only my parent would be like this, 0:46:43.280 --> 0:46:45.600 if only my parent would change, then they would be healthier, 0:46:45.600 --> 0:46:47.799 and you know that they would live a better life 0:46:47.840 --> 0:46:51.040 and they could have more ten more years. And we 0:46:51.160 --> 0:46:54.600 also have to come back to remember each of us 0:46:54.640 --> 0:46:57.719 are here for our own individual experience, and we get 0:46:58.040 --> 0:47:00.120 like we get the power of choice. 0:47:08.280 --> 0:47:10.480 But as you mentioned, it is it is an ongoing 0:47:11.400 --> 0:47:14.800 form of maintenance for me. All this this kind of 0:47:14.800 --> 0:47:17.640 stuff has been happening largely in the last fifteen years, 0:47:17.640 --> 0:47:21.760 which is no mistake that it coincides with getting sober. 0:47:23.800 --> 0:47:27.560 But you know, if I look back at. 0:47:27.520 --> 0:47:29.680 The person you know that I used to be, it 0:47:29.719 --> 0:47:34.480 was almost unrecognizable. And I wonder, because, let's say, for example, 0:47:34.560 --> 0:47:37.280 or someone's listening to this, I don't know there mid twenties, 0:47:37.320 --> 0:47:42.360 late twenties, what what does that catch on look like 0:47:43.239 --> 0:47:46.320 versus you here today mid twenties. 0:47:49.480 --> 0:47:54.439 I had just healed myself from brain surgery chronic pain 0:47:55.560 --> 0:48:00.280 without any medication, which was gnally. 0:48:00.160 --> 0:48:02.399 I'm assuming there was some medication with the brain surgery part. 0:48:02.640 --> 0:48:05.719 Yes, okay, good, yeah, yeah, yeah, after a. 0:48:07.880 --> 0:48:11.719 I mean you can dry but yeah, my white blood 0:48:12.000 --> 0:48:13.960 I'm trusting my white blood cells with this one here, 0:48:14.160 --> 0:48:15.640 but maybe not with. 0:48:16.120 --> 0:48:19.000 Not an open wound. No, no, no, yeah. 0:48:19.080 --> 0:48:22.680 Look, back then, I was out partying, I was out 0:48:22.680 --> 0:48:24.680 taking a lot of drugs, running away from my past 0:48:24.760 --> 0:48:30.400 or running away from whatever hurt internally. And yeah, I 0:48:30.560 --> 0:48:34.680 had a body full of chronic pain registered nurse like, 0:48:34.840 --> 0:48:40.840 becoming overweight, popping pills from panatoll to oxycodone to valium 0:48:40.880 --> 0:48:44.880 to try and sleep pretty much all the time. But 0:48:44.920 --> 0:48:47.200 at twenty five, yeah, that was That was the first 0:48:47.280 --> 0:48:50.360 year I was chronic pain free after six years. 0:48:50.640 --> 0:48:52.000 And but prior. 0:48:51.719 --> 0:48:56.680 To that, I was overweight, very very very mentally dark, 0:48:57.080 --> 0:49:00.640 really really dark. Being told that I might just have 0:49:00.680 --> 0:49:03.360 to manage this for the rest of my life was 0:49:03.840 --> 0:49:07.439 the worst thing I could have heard, but the best thing, 0:49:08.239 --> 0:49:11.520 because this stubbornness inside of me just said, fuck that 0:49:12.480 --> 0:49:15.560 this is I will not accept this. I want to 0:49:15.560 --> 0:49:17.439 accept this from myself. I want to accept this from 0:49:17.440 --> 0:49:21.560 that surgeon. I must find another way. 0:49:22.120 --> 0:49:25.440 I was very much the same with when I was 0:49:25.440 --> 0:49:28.880 on the antipsychotics and everything, getting told note, yeah, this 0:49:29.000 --> 0:49:31.160 is kind of this, you know, this is what it is. 0:49:31.719 --> 0:49:34.440 I was like, what the fucky? This is every day? 0:49:35.280 --> 0:49:37.200 I'm just my insulance. I'm just going to put on 0:49:37.200 --> 0:49:39.239 like a kilo a week and til what I know, 0:49:39.880 --> 0:49:42.040 I ran out of clothes. And I literally said the 0:49:42.040 --> 0:49:43.799 same thing, like, if this is what every day looks like, 0:49:43.840 --> 0:49:44.200 you know what? 0:49:44.200 --> 0:49:47.640 Fuck that. I'm going to do everything I can to 0:49:47.760 --> 0:49:49.880 not be this. But it's not that the work is. 0:49:51.320 --> 0:49:54.120 It's that the easier path to take was to just 0:49:54.239 --> 0:49:57.120 do that what they were saying, which is fine if 0:49:57.160 --> 0:49:59.200 you want to do that, and I understand it might 0:49:59.239 --> 0:50:03.600 be too much to lift, but yeah, I just I 0:50:03.719 --> 0:50:05.160 just refuse to accept. 0:50:05.800 --> 0:50:07.560 Really only all day. 0:50:07.760 --> 0:50:12.600 Yeah no, I don't want that, I know, but. 0:50:12.640 --> 0:50:14.839 It's you kind of do have to come to that 0:50:14.880 --> 0:50:16.680 pain point, don't you. 0:50:16.680 --> 0:50:17.600 You kind of have to come. 0:50:17.480 --> 0:50:20.280 To that point to your knees. Yeah, to your knees. 0:50:21.000 --> 0:50:23.319 And in my case, I had to understand that, oh, 0:50:23.600 --> 0:50:29.200 I'm the reason I'm down here, that's the one. 0:50:30.480 --> 0:50:33.960 You're all the heart like those dark Knights soul. 0:50:34.160 --> 0:50:36.440 Yeah, it's true, though only when you get to that point. 0:50:36.960 --> 0:50:38.480 Only when you get to that point does any of 0:50:38.560 --> 0:50:41.600 this actually work. When you're doing it for somebody else, 0:50:43.719 --> 0:50:46.000 it doesn't work, but it is wonderfully. There's are questions 0:50:46.040 --> 0:50:48.040 you can ask yourself quietly by yourself. No one else 0:50:48.040 --> 0:50:51.359 has asking these questions. You can, you know, you can 0:50:51.400 --> 0:50:53.880 be the one that what is my actual responsibility? Did 0:50:53.880 --> 0:50:56.279 I choose to stay in that job? How long have 0:50:56.360 --> 0:50:58.560 I chosen to stay here because it's. 0:50:58.400 --> 0:51:02.400 Easier than not going. No one else has to know. 0:51:02.920 --> 0:51:04.799 But that's when you can have those moments to ask 0:51:04.800 --> 0:51:10.880 yourself those questions. And Yeah, one last thing I have noticed, 0:51:11.120 --> 0:51:18.080 just anecdotally through you know, researching this interview, that moving 0:51:18.120 --> 0:51:22.040 and dancing is a part of your life. And I 0:51:22.080 --> 0:51:25.520 have recently had some experience in this space. So how 0:51:25.520 --> 0:51:26.920 did that come into your life and what do you 0:51:26.960 --> 0:51:27.719 get out of it? 0:51:28.239 --> 0:51:29.920 I dance from when I was a kid, it's when 0:51:29.960 --> 0:51:31.040 I'm from the age of four. 0:51:32.040 --> 0:51:33.560 I just loved it. 0:51:33.680 --> 0:51:36.520 Having been a dance dad. Part of your father's annoyance 0:51:36.600 --> 0:51:38.640 is starting to make sense to me, because. 0:51:39.160 --> 0:51:44.200 To watch everyone else except your kid is very annoying 0:51:44.200 --> 0:51:47.759 to see the same dance sing time, good show, exactly, exactly, 0:51:48.120 --> 0:51:49.640 exactly do you dance as a kid. 0:51:49.680 --> 0:51:50.480 I danced as a kid. 0:51:50.480 --> 0:51:54.720 But also in the Filipino culture like dance, music, singing. 0:51:54.920 --> 0:51:56.799 It's just they know how to dance, they know how 0:51:56.800 --> 0:51:59.719 to sing. Except my mom can't sing, haha, but she 0:51:59.840 --> 0:52:03.279 can dance. My gosh, you can dance. So I danced 0:52:03.280 --> 0:52:05.359 from when I was a kid, and I just I 0:52:05.400 --> 0:52:05.839 loved it. 0:52:05.840 --> 0:52:07.239 It was very joyful for me. 0:52:07.320 --> 0:52:11.879 Then dance I was up in high school, dance when 0:52:11.880 --> 0:52:14.120 I was out partying and taking drugs and having a 0:52:14.120 --> 0:52:17.920 great old time. And then this chronic pain stopped everything 0:52:18.120 --> 0:52:22.240 in my tracks. What it gave me, what I loved 0:52:22.280 --> 0:52:25.359 about it, well, what it gave me before was joy. 0:52:25.600 --> 0:52:28.399 Right when I was doing choreograph dance. Have you heard 0:52:28.400 --> 0:52:33.040 of five rhythms? Oh my gosh, that is cool. I 0:52:33.040 --> 0:52:36.000 remember I was doing this chakra empowerment course when I 0:52:36.040 --> 0:52:38.200 was in my like who the hell am I will 0:52:38.239 --> 0:52:42.160 let me find myself phase and one of the pieces 0:52:42.200 --> 0:52:44.239 of homework was to go to five rhythms. And it's 0:52:44.280 --> 0:52:47.560 this free dance. So you go there music playing two hours, 0:52:47.960 --> 0:52:53.799 there's five different rhythms of dance, chaos, lyricals toaccato stillness 0:52:54.120 --> 0:52:57.640 and something else. I always forget the fifth anyway, I 0:52:57.640 --> 0:53:03.160 walked in, Oh gosh, and I was such a judgy bitch. 0:53:03.680 --> 0:53:05.879 I'm like, these are not my kind of people. This 0:53:05.920 --> 0:53:08.120 is not my music. This is full of hippies. I'm 0:53:08.160 --> 0:53:09.960 just going to go home. I don't care. Take my 0:53:09.960 --> 0:53:14.919 twenty five bucks. I'm out skis. And then the stubbornness 0:53:14.920 --> 0:53:17.600 came back, which this is where I love my stubbornness, 0:53:17.600 --> 0:53:22.600 and was like, ah, twenty minutes, give it twenty minutes. Literally, 0:53:22.600 --> 0:53:25.040 people were just in there doing whatever they wanted to do, dancing. 0:53:25.160 --> 0:53:28.000 Some guy was walking around roaring right because that was 0:53:28.000 --> 0:53:34.040 his expression. Eventually, after about twenty minutes, I gave myself 0:53:34.120 --> 0:53:42.279 to the rhythm and free freedom, total utter freedom. I 0:53:42.320 --> 0:53:45.480 was like, this is what it feels like to be 0:53:45.560 --> 0:53:48.680 in my body, to feel totally safe in my body, 0:53:49.120 --> 0:53:52.600 to feel free and at liberty to move it however 0:53:52.640 --> 0:53:54.839 the hell I want to move it not a piece 0:53:54.840 --> 0:53:58.680 of choreography in sight, and I felt incredible. 0:53:59.280 --> 0:54:00.160 That's what it gives me. 0:54:00.440 --> 0:54:03.640 And so now you use that through the day as 0:54:03.719 --> 0:54:05.840 part of you mentioned at the start of our conversation 0:54:05.880 --> 0:54:11.000 about being bodily aware. Does you know if you're in 0:54:11.040 --> 0:54:13.319 a point where there's a I don't know, like a 0:54:13.360 --> 0:54:16.000 peak of you know, some sort of hormonal release in 0:54:16.040 --> 0:54:18.920 your body, were like, eh, can you find just like 0:54:19.000 --> 0:54:22.080 whacking out a couple of bars and a quick little boogaloo. 0:54:21.840 --> 0:54:22.839 Will full und your game. 0:54:22.960 --> 0:54:27.719 It's usually I always choose emotive music songs where like 0:54:27.840 --> 0:54:31.880 this is me from the Greatest Showman Good where I 0:54:31.880 --> 0:54:34.840 don't quite sometimes I don't quite know how I'm feeling. 0:54:35.400 --> 0:54:36.960 And then if I put a song like that on, 0:54:37.800 --> 0:54:41.520 or some some of Pink's songs that are a motive 0:54:41.560 --> 0:54:45.840 that just do the speaking for me, and then there's 0:54:45.880 --> 0:54:48.480 just this rush of emotion that comes and it falls 0:54:48.520 --> 0:54:50.719 out of my eyes in the form of tears, and 0:54:50.760 --> 0:54:51.799 I'm like, thank you. 0:54:52.160 --> 0:54:53.839 I don't know what that was. I don't know what 0:54:53.880 --> 0:54:55.799 that is there it is. 0:54:56.320 --> 0:54:58.720 I prefer just whacking on some motown or some stacks 0:54:59.000 --> 0:55:00.800 Stacks or stax recks towards myself. 0:55:01.160 --> 0:55:02.680 Get a bit of Sam and Dave. Hold on, I'm 0:55:02.719 --> 0:55:03.440 coming on. 0:55:03.880 --> 0:55:06.719 I'll do the whitest white man dance to the two 0:55:06.719 --> 0:55:08.720 of the heaviest brothers. That's a song all about rooting, 0:55:08.719 --> 0:55:11.120 but it made it onto the top ten that has 0:55:11.120 --> 0:55:13.920 in the past. That is really like turning literally turning 0:55:14.000 --> 0:55:16.200 a light switch on and off for my emotional state, 0:55:17.719 --> 0:55:20.760 and it's really useful. So I thoroughly recommend that people 0:55:21.120 --> 0:55:22.840 get out of this podcast, open up some sort of 0:55:22.920 --> 0:55:24.760 music thing and just give. 0:55:24.560 --> 0:55:25.200 It a couple of minutes. 0:55:25.200 --> 0:55:26.160 We should create a playlist. 0:55:26.840 --> 0:55:28.640 Yeah, I'll put I'll put a play You put a 0:55:28.680 --> 0:55:30.360 couple of tracks and I'll put a couple of tracks on. 0:55:30.400 --> 0:55:31.799 We'll work it in the show notes. How about that? 0:55:32.400 --> 0:55:33.839 As long as as well as a. 0:55:33.800 --> 0:55:36.319 Link to catch On's Brandy book available now on People 0:55:36.320 --> 0:55:36.919 in Random Hills. 0:55:37.719 --> 0:55:40.319 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Thanks for 0:55:40.400 --> 0:55:41.080 going pleasure. 0:55:42.520 --> 0:55:44.840 That was Cat John, How great is kat? 0:55:45.200 --> 0:55:46.640 If you want to have a boogie, If you want 0:55:46.680 --> 0:55:48.640 to boogie the hevgbs away, you can find a link 0:55:48.680 --> 0:55:50.800 to the blowlist. You'll find that in the show notes, 0:55:50.800 --> 0:55:53.239 along with where you can get tickets to the next 0:55:53.239 --> 0:55:54.640 live show of story Club. 0:55:54.840 --> 0:55:56.279 And where you can pre order the books. 0:55:56.320 --> 0:55:57.960 So what now? What? Thank you so much for getting 0:55:57.960 --> 0:55:59.600 around the show. There's also a link to the substack 0:55:59.680 --> 0:56:02.879 in there. Thanks Adam Bunch for producing this episode your Ace. 0:56:02.960 --> 0:56:05.160 I hope you have a fantastic week. If you do, 0:56:05.239 --> 0:56:08.880 buy the book, screenshot your proof of purchase and email 0:56:08.920 --> 0:56:11.240 me Sandos your email at gmail dot com and I'll. 0:56:11.080 --> 0:56:13.799 Shoot you back something to say thanks. I'll see her 0:56:13.840 --> 0:56:18.360 on Monday.