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Speaker 1: What's Uplift Family shod Boil the Terry Star with Fiel. Listen,

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Speaker 1: I want to drop in before this episode releases just

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Speaker 1: let you know that I appreciate you. I just want

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Speaker 1: to say thank you. This episode was shot au Guess

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Speaker 1: the thirteenth of twenty twenty four. I shot three episodes

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Speaker 1: when doctor Gary Chapman was in my studio. He wanted

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Speaker 1: to offer as much wisdom as possible, and this episode

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Speaker 1: is perfect for such a time as this. Don't that

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Speaker 1: sound real? Say for such a time as this. So

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Speaker 1: before you watch this episode, I want you to hit

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Speaker 1: that like button. Let me tell you why the like

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Speaker 1: button is so important. Hit that like button because it

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Speaker 1: triggers YouTube in their algorithm to let other people know that, hey,

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Speaker 1: this episode you want to watch. And so this episode

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Speaker 1: is powerful because I believe that there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: gems in this episode that we can extract from. And

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Speaker 1: it's perfect for such a time as this for my

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Speaker 1: life because as y'all know, well I assume everybody knows,

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Speaker 1: but if you don't, I propose to my beautiful woman

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Speaker 1: huh just a few weeks ago, yeah, on July the thirteenth,

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Speaker 1: and we will be getting married on November the twenty second,

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Speaker 1: and I'm inviting everyone on the live stream. It's going

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Speaker 1: to be a free live stream, so make sure that

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Speaker 1: you join us on that. I wouldn't want to do

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Speaker 1: this without you. Y'all been on this journey with me,

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Speaker 1: some of y'all since the inception of the Dear Future

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Speaker 1: WIFEI podcast for five years. And I'm gonna be doing

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Speaker 1: an episode next week by myself where I hit the

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Speaker 1: Yellow Couch and update you on everything and how I

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Speaker 1: came to this decision. Yeah, I can't wait to have

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Speaker 1: that conversation with you next week, But right now, hit

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Speaker 1: that like budon. If you haven't subscribed, can you do

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Speaker 1: me a favorite and subscribe? You know, we're trying to

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Speaker 1: get to a million subscribers that's to go. Not gonna

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Speaker 1: say we're trying to get there by the end of

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Speaker 1: this year. If we do, that would be absolutely amazing.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, this is going to be amazing. I want

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Speaker 1: y'all all to join me on this journey. It's called

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Speaker 1: the Mystery Bride. As I unveil who she is, join

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Speaker 1: with me on the fund for that, But for right now,

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Speaker 1: I want you all to hit that like button send

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Speaker 1: this video to someone and get ready to watch Things

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Speaker 1: I Wish I'd known before I got married. See at

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Speaker 1: the end of this episode with the letter You'd be blessed.

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Speaker 2: I wish I'd known how to solve conflicts without arguing.

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Speaker 2: We all argue, and now you won the argument, but

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Speaker 2: they lost, and it's no fun to live with a loser.

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Speaker 1: So why would you want to create one? Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the Diffute WiFi podcast, Doctor Gary Chapman. You got

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Speaker 1: this amazing book called Things I Wish I'd Known Before

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Speaker 1: We got married? News. Your books old up half a

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Speaker 1: million copies. What do you think about that.

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Speaker 2: I'm encouraged because I know that couples who are getting

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Speaker 2: married today need the kind of help that I'm giving

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Speaker 2: in this book.

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Speaker 1: I wish I had known that ben in love is

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Speaker 1: not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.

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Speaker 2: I was always told that feeling's going to last forever.

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Speaker 2: That's not true. The average life span of that U

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Speaker 2: FOURIG state that we call being in love is two years.

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Speaker 2: My wife and I had dated two years before we

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Speaker 2: got married, so I came down pretty soon after the honeymoon.

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Speaker 2: That kind of love is That's not the foundation for

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Speaker 2: a long term marriage. When we come down off that high,

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Speaker 2: we need to know what the other person's primary love

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Speaker 2: language is.

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Speaker 1: She said. Toilets are not self cleaning.

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Speaker 2: We're about three weeks into the marriage and I noticed

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Speaker 2: that there was getting to be a ring in the

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Speaker 2: toilet and I mentioned it to Carolyn and she said, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I know. I was wondering when you're going to clean it.

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Speaker 2: I said, I don't know how to clean toilets. She said, well,

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Speaker 2: I can teach you. It's really important for couples to

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Speaker 2: talk about who is going to do what as we

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Speaker 2: get married.

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Speaker 1: The way y'all do. Life has it changed much, not

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Speaker 1: that much.

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Speaker 2: We've lived in the same house where are now since

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Speaker 2: nineteen ninety six. I realized what the scriptures say, life's

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Speaker 2: meaning is not found in what a man possesses. Life's

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Speaker 2: meaning has found in relationships, first of all with God,

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Speaker 2: and then family and then other people. She's been very frugal.

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Speaker 2: In fact, she cooks every night except thirsty. When I

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Speaker 2: was praying, I said, thank you, Doug for all the

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Speaker 2: meals that Carolyn has fixed over sixty three years.

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Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, the fifty to fifty that's been a big

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Speaker 1: topic on social media women say as a man, he

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Speaker 1: should provide one hundred percent of everything. Money is my money,

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Speaker 1: his money is our money. How do you deal with that?

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Speaker 1: When I say? Is this the Dear Future WIFEI podcast

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Speaker 1: has global impact from Texas. I have been on this

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Speaker 1: journey of healing and self discovery, and this podcast has

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Speaker 1: been a vital part of my process. God's establishing through

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Speaker 1: you a legacy, a display of freedom, founding authentic spirituality. California.

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Speaker 1: I learned so much as a single man through your podcast,

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Speaker 1: and continue to learn so much as now a married

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Speaker 1: man Nigeria. This is just therapy for me. You know,

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Speaker 1: I've been healed, I've been strengthen in my convictions on

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Speaker 1: the stal to do single Hoop better Amsterdam way that

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Speaker 1: you've shown us how it is possible for a man

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Speaker 1: to be as intentional as you are. New Jersey. I

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Speaker 1: appreciate your vulnerability. I appreciate just being able to see

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Speaker 1: that there is life after divorce. To New York. I

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Speaker 1: am a single one, and so these episodes really give

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Speaker 1: me hope and courage that God does have a husband

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Speaker 1: for me, discover, uncover and recover love. I'm Laterrasar Whitfield

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Speaker 1: and this is Season ten of the Dear Future Wifie podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Dear Future Wifie Podcast. I'm your host, Lata

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Speaker 1: Sar Wifield. Listen, are you still shacking up with us?

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Speaker 1: If you're still shacking up with us, can we get

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Speaker 1: a commitment? Hit that subscription button and subscribe. Make sure

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Speaker 1: you turn on your notification bells. You'll be notified about

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Speaker 1: upcoming episodes. And sign up for our Patreon where you'll

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Speaker 1: get exclusive content. Again, that's patreon dot com for slash

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Speaker 1: laterras R Whitfield, and sign up for that metal list

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Speaker 1: while you're at it. That's how you'll be notified about

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Speaker 1: upcoming retreats. When we're doing the Dear Future Wifie live

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Speaker 1: in your state and city and all things around Laterrasar Wifield,

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Speaker 1: I make sure that y'all are notified about that. Well, ah,

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Speaker 1: this just keeps getting better and better. I have my

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Speaker 1: friend doctor Gary Chapman on the Dear Future Wifie Podcast. Today.

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Speaker 1: We're going to talk about something very interesting. This is

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Speaker 1: perfectly in a line with what we talk about in

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Speaker 1: the Dear Future Wife podcast. So without further ado, welcome

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Speaker 1: back to the Dear Future Wifie podcast My homie doctor

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Speaker 1: Gary Chapman. Now, doctor Gary Chapman, you got this amazing

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Speaker 1: book called Things I Wish I'd known before we got married.

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Speaker 1: And one thing about doctor Chapman. I always ask him

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Speaker 1: how many copies at that book sell? He's like, I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know. Why don't you know how

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Speaker 1: many copies your books helf? It's hard to keep up

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Speaker 1: with him when you got so many books out there.

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Speaker 1: See that, it's hard to keep up when you have

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Speaker 1: so many books out there, and this book I had

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Speaker 1: to tell him that the book, after his reprint in

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty two, has sold over half a million copies.

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Speaker 1: And you know, he's talking about him like he's the

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Speaker 1: first off, what do you think about the you know

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Speaker 1: news your book sold up half a million copies? What

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Speaker 1: do you think about that?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm encouraged because I know that couples who are

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Speaker 2: getting married today need the kind of help that I'm

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Speaker 2: giving in this book, trying to help couples get ready

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Speaker 2: for marriage, to have a successful marriage and face reality

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Speaker 2: rather than just going on, you know, their feelings of

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Speaker 2: how happy they are right now when they're in love.

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Speaker 1: Most people spend far more time in preparation for their

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Speaker 1: vocation than they do in preparation for a marriage. When

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Speaker 1: I tell you that is so true, Yeah, what do

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Speaker 1: you think about that?

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, go four years a minimum to college

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Speaker 2: for their vocation.

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Speaker 1: Four years.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, probably don't read a single book about marriage, not.

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Speaker 1: One class, not one seminar, not one counseling session. Was like,

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Speaker 1: let's get married, we love each other. What made you

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Speaker 1: write this book? Things I wish i'd known before we

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Speaker 1: got married.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, I've been doing a pre marital counseling

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Speaker 2: for a long, long time, many years, and I thought,

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Speaker 2: you know, I'd like to put the concepts we've been

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Speaker 2: dealing with you in person in a book and help

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Speaker 2: a lot of couples who are getting married who wouldn't

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't be able to sit down with. And what

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Speaker 2: I found is a lot of pastors and a lot

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Speaker 2: of marriage counselors are using this as a part of

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Speaker 2: their pre marital counseling, you know, with the people that

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Speaker 2: are coming to them. So but that's what motivated me

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Speaker 2: to write it, is to give couples that are moving

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Speaker 2: toward marriage a more realistic idea, at least of some

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Speaker 2: of the things they need to consider and work through,

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Speaker 2: you know, as they move in toward marriage.

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Speaker 1: Oh, let me read these. Look all these books you've written.

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Speaker 1: The Five Love Languages, The Five Love Languages Men Edition,

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Speaker 1: The Five Love Languages Military Edition. Never thought about that,

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Speaker 1: The Five Love Languages Gift Edition, The Five Love Languages

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Speaker 1: of Children of Teenagers, Singles Edition of the Five Languages

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Speaker 1: of Appreciation in the Workplace, The Love Languages Devotional Bible.

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Speaker 1: God speaks your love language, the marriage you've always wanted,

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Speaker 1: the family you've always wanted, One more try. He spoke

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Speaker 1: about that in the early episode, how to really love

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Speaker 1: your adult child, loving your spouse when you feel like

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Speaker 1: walking away. That's that's that's probably a really really good one.

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Speaker 1: Anger The Five Apology Languages one O one Conversation starter series,

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Speaker 1: a perfect path for Peyton. I took the anger assessment. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it says that I do pretty well, and it says

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Speaker 1: there's some some area, some growth, but I do pretty well.

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Speaker 1: And so that was pretty good. That's a lot of books,

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Speaker 1: and this is still not all of them. And what

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Speaker 1: is a perfect path for Peyton.

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Speaker 2: That's a children's book on the Five Love Languages. The

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Speaker 2: storyline is they take a peyton to it's his birthday

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Speaker 2: and they take him to the pet store to get

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Speaker 2: him a pet for his birthday, but they also take

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Speaker 2: his friends with him. Well, there they made mister Chapman,

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Speaker 2: who's in head of the pet control pet thing, and

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Speaker 2: he introduced him to the various animals, and different children

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Speaker 2: are attracted to different animals, but the animals represent different

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Speaker 2: love languages. So it's just a fun way for little kids.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it's really designed for little kids four years old,

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Speaker 2: five years old. The fun book for kids to read.

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Speaker 2: They not to read for the parson read them, Here we.

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Speaker 1: Go, We're gonna just jump off. I wish I had

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Speaker 1: known that ben in love is not an adequate foundation

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Speaker 1: for building a successful marriage. You experienced that yourself, right, I.

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Speaker 2: Did, because I was always told. I remember I asked

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Speaker 2: my mother, how do you know when you're really in love?

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Speaker 2: And she said, if it's real, you'll know it. I

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Speaker 2: didn't help me at all, you know, but I also

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Speaker 2: heard all my life. I heard, if you're really in love,

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Speaker 2: that feelings is going to last forever. That's not true.

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Speaker 2: I wish I had known it. I mean, you know,

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Speaker 2: Dorothy Tenney, Bridgeport, Connecticut, long term study, and she discovered

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Speaker 2: the average lifespan of that upoorig state that we call

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Speaker 2: being in love is two years two years, some a

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Speaker 2: little longer, some a little less, but average two years.

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Speaker 2: And we come down off the high. But I didn't

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Speaker 2: know that. And you know, so my wife and I

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Speaker 2: had dated two years before we got married, So I

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Speaker 2: came down pretty soon after the honeymoon. And I think

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Speaker 2: if I had known that was going to happen, I

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Speaker 2: would have probably been able to handle it better. But

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Speaker 2: I was totally shocked. I lost the positive feelings, and

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Speaker 2: then after we had arguments, I lost that I had

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Speaker 2: negative feelings toward her, exactly the opposite. It was a hard,

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Speaker 2: hard time for me. I just wish I'd been prepared

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Speaker 2: for the reality that I was going to come down

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Speaker 2: off that high. And that's why I say that kind

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Speaker 2: of love is not the foundation for a long term marriage.

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Speaker 2: It's not going to stay with you forever, so you

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Speaker 2: know that's and then, of course, the second chapter in

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Speaker 2: that book moves to the fact I wish they'd known

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Speaker 2: there's two stages of romantic love. There's that in love experience,

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Speaker 2: but then there's the more intentional love and That's where

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Speaker 2: I kind of review the five love languages that when

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Speaker 2: we come down off that high, we need to know

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Speaker 2: what the other person's primary love language is so we

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Speaker 2: can speak it. If we do, we will keep the

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Speaker 2: emotional need for love. The emotional love tank will stay full.

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Speaker 2: It's not the u Fouri state, but it is that

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Speaker 2: deep sense that they love me, you know, and they

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Speaker 2: feel that I love them, and so we can we

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Speaker 2: can keep emotional love alive. But I wish I'd known

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Speaker 2: that there's two stages, and the second stage is much

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Speaker 2: more intentional and takes it takes a much more sensitive

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Speaker 2: reality to what makes the other person feel loved.

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Speaker 1: Let me ask you this because I think you stepping

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Speaker 1: on toes in this third chapter where it says sounds

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Speaker 1: like like motherlike daughter or like father like son aren't myths.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know many people have heard that saying, you

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Speaker 2: know that the son like father like you know, like

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Speaker 2: this son. And what I'm saying is there's some truth

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Speaker 2: to that old saying. So that's why I'm suggesting that

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Speaker 2: couples that are thinking about getting married, if possible, spend

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Speaker 2: time with each other's family members and observe if their

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Speaker 2: father for example, is very domineering, and you know you

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Speaker 2: hear him speaking harshly to his wife or that's the son.

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Speaker 2: The two of you need to talk about that. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and he will like you. Some will like to say, well,

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to be like my father. Well what

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Speaker 2: are you doing not to be like your father? That part,

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Speaker 2: you know, and if your father, if his father was

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Speaker 2: an alcoholic, much higher percentage, he'll be an alcoholic.

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Speaker 1: That he doesn't have to be.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, you know, but he needs to learn

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Speaker 2: about alcohol alcoholism. He needs to be studying it and

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Speaker 2: then find out what he needs to decisions he needs

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Speaker 2: to make now. So and the same thing true with

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Speaker 2: her mother. You know, if her mother always interrupts her father.

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Speaker 2: You know he's telling something and she says, no, honey,

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Speaker 2: it was Wednesday, not Thursday. She just interrupts him on

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Speaker 2: little things like that. There's a good chance the woman

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Speaker 2: you're gonna marry is gonna be like that. So you

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Speaker 2: need to discuss that. And if she realizes, oh, I

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Speaker 2: didn't know, Yeah, okay, well let me think about this.

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Speaker 2: If we're aware of those things before we get married,

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Speaker 2: we can discuss them before we get married, and we

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Speaker 2: can maybe learn some things about how not if it's

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Speaker 2: a negative thing. If it's positive, it's wonderful, you know so,

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Speaker 2: but if it is negative and we don't want her

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Speaker 2: to be like that or him to be like that,

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Speaker 2: let's discuss those things now, so we kind of know

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Speaker 2: what we got to work on.

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Speaker 1: You know. That's what I'm saying in that chapter. What

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Speaker 1: are some things that you saw that or Carolyn saw

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Speaker 1: and you that was just like your daddy.

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Speaker 2: I think she saw that I was a hard worker

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Speaker 2: because I remember one summer I was at home and

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Speaker 2: I volunteered to paint her mother's house for free, paint

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Speaker 2: her house, uh huh outside, And so from the very beginning,

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Speaker 2: her mother was on my side, you.

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Speaker 1: Gonna paint a whole house by yourself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And say, when I was a teenager, my dad

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Speaker 2: did some painting on the side. It wasn't his main job,

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Speaker 2: and he did some painting on the side, and he

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Speaker 2: taught me how to paint. So I knew how to paint,

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Speaker 2: you know. And I thought her mother was a single mom.

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Speaker 2: Her her husband had died several years earlier, and I thought, well,

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Speaker 2: you know, I just said I can't do that for her.

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Speaker 2: It'd be something nice to do for her.

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Speaker 1: You want some points that you want some points on

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Speaker 1: the whole house is a good job. Yeah, I think so,

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Speaker 1: she thought so. So how did that speak to Carolyn though,

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Speaker 1: to see her her boyfriend do something like that.

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Speaker 2: I just think she saw that I was a worker,

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Speaker 2: you know then, and then I had a heart to

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Speaker 2: help other people.

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Speaker 1: But think about this her love language of service, and

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Speaker 1: you did that for her mom. That spoke highly. I

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Speaker 1: know that probably spoke extremely highly, because don't the love

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Speaker 1: languages work like that? To him? Is that even if

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Speaker 1: you're not receiving it, if someone that you love is

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Speaker 1: receiving it from the person that you love, it speaks

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Speaker 1: to you know, it speaks to them as well, right, yeah, absolutely, absolutely? Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And how long had you been dating her before you

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Speaker 1: did that.

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Speaker 2: I can't remember really how long we've been dating when

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Speaker 2: I did that. I don't remember what juncture it was

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Speaker 2: in our relationship, but I do remember doing I knew

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Speaker 2: her mother, her mother told her you'll never do better

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Speaker 2: than him.

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Speaker 1: I was like, yes, got it, thank you. Let her know.

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Speaker 1: Let her know, you said, you already have a book

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Speaker 1: about the apology language. So we'll jump right there where

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Speaker 1: you said that toilets are not self cleaning.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, I never remember growing up she my

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Speaker 2: mother or my father cleaning toilet. I just know they

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Speaker 2: were always clean.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: So we got married and we're about three weeks into

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Speaker 2: the marriage, and I noticed that there was getting to

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Speaker 2: be a ring in the toilet, and I mentioned it

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Speaker 2: to Carolyn and she said, yeah, I know. I was

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Speaker 2: wondering when you're going to clean it. I said, I

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Speaker 2: don't know how to clean toilets. She said, well, I

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Speaker 2: can teach you.

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Speaker 1: Not that I can do it, but I can teach

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Speaker 1: you how to do so.

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Speaker 2: One of them is what I'm saying in that chapter

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Speaker 2: is there's a whole lot of things that have to

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Speaker 2: be done on a daily basis or a weekly basis

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Speaker 2: when you get married. Before you get married, why don't

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Speaker 2: you sit down and make a list of all those things.

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Speaker 2: Who's going to cook? Are you not gonna cook at all?

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Speaker 2: You're just gonna bring in food from the outside. You know,

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Speaker 2: who's gonna wash the clothes, who's going to wash the dishes?

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Speaker 2: Just right on down the line, just my list of

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Speaker 2: everything you can think of. Who's going to clean the toilet?

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Speaker 2: You know, make a list of all those things, and

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Speaker 2: then let him take the list separately, let him put

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Speaker 2: beside those those things to be done, the things he

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Speaker 2: thinks he will do, and the things and he thinks

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Speaker 2: he think you'll do. And you do the same thing,

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Speaker 2: then get together and see if you agreed. But some

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Speaker 2: of them, he's gonna have you down. You're gonna have

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Speaker 2: him down. And those are the ones you need to discuss. Okay, honey,

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Speaker 2: you think you, I think you should do it. I

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Speaker 2: think you Okay, why do you think that to talk

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Speaker 2: about it? Because it's better if you already have in

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Speaker 2: mind who's going to do these things before you get married. Now,

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean you can't change some of them along the way.

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Speaker 2: I remember when we got married, we were in seminary

363
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Speaker 2: and we didn't have much money at all, and I was,

364
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Speaker 2: you know, going to school full time and working part time,

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Speaker 2: and so my life agreed. She had a part time

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Speaker 2: job at the school. She agreed that she would pay

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Speaker 2: the bills every month that came in and just you know,

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Speaker 2: balance the check book and all that sort of stuff,

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Speaker 2: and so I was I was great for me. I

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Speaker 2: was happy for her to do that. Well, about six

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Speaker 2: months into our marriage. She said to me one day,

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Speaker 2: she said, honey, you think you could take over the

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Speaker 2: balance and the check book and paying the bills and all.

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Speaker 2: I said, well I can, honey, I said why? She said,

375
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Speaker 2: it hurts my stomach. She has a very sensitive stomach

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Speaker 2: to everything. But it was just so much pressure because,

377
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Speaker 2: as I said, we didn't have much money, and you know,

378
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,760
Speaker 2: just trying to get the bills paid and all and

379
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Speaker 2: figuring it all out.

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Speaker 1: And that's not the problem anymore, huh, doctor Gary Chappan,

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Speaker 1: that's not a problem, not at the present time. So humble,

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Speaker 1: so humble.

383
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Speaker 2: But I think it's it's it's really importan for couples

384
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Speaker 2: to talk about who is going to do what? Yeah,

385
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,280
Speaker 2: as we get married, because chances are whatever her father did,

386
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Speaker 2: she expects you to do exactly and whatever your mother

387
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Speaker 2: did her mother did you know you expect whatever your

388
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Speaker 2: mother did, you expect your wife to do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's that's unfair. Let me tell you how

390
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:25,120
Speaker 1: did how did lifestyle change? That's a good point. Started off,

391
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Speaker 1: y'all were together, didn't have much money. As not your

392
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Speaker 1: testimony anymore. How has your lifestyle changed and the way

393
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Speaker 1: y'all do life has it changed much, to be honest

394
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Speaker 1: with you, not that much. Really. Do y'all still that

395
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Speaker 1: y'all upgrade the house that you live that you move.

396
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Speaker 2: We've moved a few times, you know. We've been in

397
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Speaker 2: the same town now for since nineteen sixty seven, oh wow.

398
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Speaker 2: And we started out we were living in a little

399
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Speaker 2: condo and I was working at another church and I

400
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,560
Speaker 2: was teaching in a small college there for three years,

401
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,240
Speaker 2: and then we then we moved, you know, two or

402
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 2: three different times. But we've lived in the same house

403
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,000
Speaker 2: we're announce since nineteen ninety six, really.

404
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Speaker 1: And it's when I graduated high school.

405
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's you know, it's a

406
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 2: two story house, but it's nothing fancy, it's but it's

407
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 2: everything we need. In fact, we've agreed as long as

408
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Speaker 2: we're healthy, we're going to stay in that house the

409
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:22,280
Speaker 2: rest of our lives.

410
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Speaker 1: You know. So where is it? Have you always been

411
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,680
Speaker 1: more of a simple guy like that? Yeah, like you

412
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,080
Speaker 1: don't get caught up and you want to Bentley and

413
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Speaker 1: all that stuff.

414
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Speaker 2: No, No, I've never had that since, you know, warning

415
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,960
Speaker 2: all those things, because you know, I realized what the

416
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 2: scriptures say, life's meaning is not found in what a

417
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:46,399
Speaker 2: man possesses. Life's meaning is found in relationships, first of

418
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Speaker 2: all with God, and then family and then other people.

419
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Speaker 1: Well, can't you have a relationship with your Bentley?

420
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Speaker 2: It's hard for me to have a relationship with a Bentley.

421
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,439
Speaker 2: I wrote it one once in England? What did you

422
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,680
Speaker 2: think a guy had? One saidould, I could take a ride.

423
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,400
Speaker 2: So I took a ride. I felt, you know, it's

424
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Speaker 2: a car.

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Speaker 1: You know. So you married someone that was as simple

426
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Speaker 1: as you are with the simple things in life. Yeah,

427
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Speaker 1: my wife grew up in a family.

428
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Speaker 2: Her mother had ten children, ten children, Two of them

429
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,320
Speaker 2: died young, but eight of them lived to adulthood.

430
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Speaker 1: And he said, has a single mom. He was.

431
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 2: She was a single mom when when I started dating.

432
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:36,399
Speaker 2: Care her father had died earlier. But uh, very simple,

433
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 2: very simple family and home house. And I grew up

434
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:46,040
Speaker 2: in a very you know, small house. But uh, but

435
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 2: we were taught, you know. In the summertime, I worked

436
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,439
Speaker 2: in the garden with my dad. We planted, you know

437
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,399
Speaker 2: things and all my mother canned the food. It was

438
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,760
Speaker 2: before freezers, there were no freezers. She would can the

439
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,760
Speaker 2: food and yeah, las and jars and all of that,

440
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,439
Speaker 2: you know, and but I think I just learned early

441
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 2: that happiness doesn't come from possessing a lot of things.

442
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,480
Speaker 2: I'm not opposed to it. If people want to spend

443
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,280
Speaker 2: their money that way, that's fine with me. But life

444
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,840
Speaker 2: span is not found in things, you know, It's really

445
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,359
Speaker 2: found in relationships. So that's that's what I've tried to

446
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 2: invest my life in.

447
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,840
Speaker 1: That's beautiful, and it's amazing how you met a woman

448
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,480
Speaker 1: that has the same ideas and thoughts, because as you

449
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,720
Speaker 1: were making more money, she could have said, I want

450
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,879
Speaker 1: this big old house because so and so has this

451
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,720
Speaker 1: amazing match, and I need a five million dollar house.

452
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,240
Speaker 1: I want Oh, I need this type of perse, I

453
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,280
Speaker 1: need a ten thousand dollars person all that, and you

454
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,719
Speaker 1: would have gave it to him. Huh. I don't know

455
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,119
Speaker 1: we're gonna do with all the money.

456
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:50,600
Speaker 2: But fortunately she never had that attitude. She's been very frugal.

457
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,480
Speaker 2: You know, she grew up. She had to be frugal

458
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,119
Speaker 2: because when when when I started dating, it was just

459
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 2: her and her sister. She's the second youngest and her

460
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,320
Speaker 2: younger sister was the two of them still at home

461
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 2: and her mother was working in a textile meal and

462
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,640
Speaker 2: so at night, she had to fix dinner for her

463
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,479
Speaker 2: for her sister, and so she was in after college

464
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 2: and after high school, she had to work two or

465
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,160
Speaker 2: three years worked as.

466
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:16,359
Speaker 1: A telephone operator.

467
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,920
Speaker 2: They don't have those people anymore, in order to save

468
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 2: money to go to college, you know. So she's always

469
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 2: been very frugal. And uh, in fact, just yesterday we

470
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,080
Speaker 2: were we were out buying a mattress. We needed it,

471
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:34,520
Speaker 2: need to get a new mattress. And she said, uh, honey,

472
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,560
Speaker 2: I know the man that runs his place, and when

473
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,919
Speaker 2: we when we brought furniture over there, he gave us

474
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 2: a discount. So I think we should go over there.

475
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:43,119
Speaker 2: That's just the way she thinks.

476
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 1: You know, I first got them. Yeah, yeah, twenty years ago.

477
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 1: I the what did you do for for your anniversary?

478
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 1: You know yesterday?

479
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 2: I said to her, because it was it was yesterday,

480
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 2: was August, August the twelfth, It was when we when

481
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 2: we did we're recording this teenth, of course. But I said, honey,

482
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,879
Speaker 2: which restaurants you want to go out to tonight? And

483
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 2: she said, honey, the nice restaurants aren't open on Monday.

484
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,639
Speaker 2: They don't open on Monday. I said, okay, so you

485
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 2: want to go get some pizza and she says, no,

486
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:18,280
Speaker 2: I want to cook a meal for us tonight.

487
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:18,600
Speaker 1: Oh.

488
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,680
Speaker 2: She's a good cook. In fact, she cooks every night

489
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 2: except Thursday. Thursday night we go out and eat every week.

490
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 2: But other than that, she cooks a meal every night.

491
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 2: She's been doing that how many years long? In fact,

492
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 2: I just told her last night, I said, after the meal,

493
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 2: I said, honey. In fact, when I was praying, I said,

494
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 2: thank you Carolyn Doug for all the meals that Carolyn

495
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,359
Speaker 2: is fixed over sixty three years.

496
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,119
Speaker 1: Wow.

497
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:46,879
Speaker 2: I mean, imagine, you know, it's just amazing. But she

498
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 2: enjoys cooking, you know, and she has the energy to

499
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 2: do it even now, even at her age. And so

500
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 2: I told her, I said, well, honey, we can't go

501
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 2: out any night. You want to go out, you know,

502
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 2: but she prefers to cook a meal at home, and

503
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 2: I prefer what she cooks.

504
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:04,680
Speaker 1: What does she cook for your anniversary?

505
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 2: It was a special squash that had cheese on it,

506
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 2: and it was a it was a pot roast, pork

507
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 2: pot roast, and it was a salad of tomatoes and

508
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:25,560
Speaker 2: another thing I can't think the name of it. I

509
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,400
Speaker 2: think that oh, in corn on cob.

510
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 1: She made that just for you and her.

511
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

512
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 1: How does that feel to have that, To have a

513
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 1: wife that enjoys cooking for you? It's wonderful.

514
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,440
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't mind going out, you know, I'd

515
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,119
Speaker 2: be happy to go out more often, but it's just

516
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 2: wonderful that she enjoys doing it. She wants to do it,

517
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 2: and so you know, it's wonderful.

518
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 1: Did you teach your daughter to cook? She did?

519
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,919
Speaker 2: And our daughter does cook and our son cooks. Yeah, yeah,

520
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 2: both of them know those loss talents these days. Oh

521
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,160
Speaker 2: I know, yeah, I know, because you.

522
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 1: Know council people where they probably complained about the counseling

523
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: sessions off. Yeah.

524
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,400
Speaker 2: Absolutely. My daughter is a medical doctor. She delivers high

525
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 2: risk babies and she loves what she does. But her

526
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 2: husband is also a cook, so she didn't do all

527
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,760
Speaker 2: the cooking. Yeah, he does a lot of the cooking.

528
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 2: Of course he's a medical doctor too, but he does

529
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,800
Speaker 2: a lot of the He loves cooking. He taught his

530
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 2: son to cook good, and he taught his daughter to cook.

531
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,520
Speaker 2: In fact, his daughter could cook a full meal at

532
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 2: fourteen years of age, fourteen fourteen and she's as long

533
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,159
Speaker 2: as I ain't remember she always makes her own birthday cakes,

534
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 2: and yeah and she you know, they're just all the

535
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:42,439
Speaker 2: unique birthday cakes.

536
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,680
Speaker 1: Yes, she makes her own birth Yeah.

537
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, whoever gets that gal gonna get a good gal.

538
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,679
Speaker 2: She's twenty five and still single.

539
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,440
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, do you think there's an

540
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,119
Speaker 1: age that's too young to get married, even though it

541
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,720
Speaker 1: may be legal. Let's say, from I'm eighteen, nineteen twenty,

542
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:07,879
Speaker 1: do you feel like it's too young? You know? Intell?

543
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,400
Speaker 2: Actually I have to say yes, because I think when

544
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 2: we're that young, we're far more likely to make a

545
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,639
Speaker 2: decision based on our feelings of love for this person,

546
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 2: are based on the fact that we're so unhappy at

547
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 2: home we just can't wait to get out of home,

548
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 2: and were married to get out of home. I think

549
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 2: we're far more likely if we wait a little longer,

550
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,440
Speaker 2: you know, when we're a little older, a little more mature,

551
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,679
Speaker 2: we're far more likely to make a wise decision. But

552
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,879
Speaker 2: I can't tell people what to do. Yeah, you know,

553
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 2: you know I got married at twenty three. My wife

554
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 2: was twenty two, and we thought we were old. But

555
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 2: now that's not I mean, people tend to get married

556
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 2: older now, not everybody, but there's still I.

557
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 1: Thought I was y'all getting married later in age at

558
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 1: twenty two and twenty three. Yeah, we did, we did. Wow,

559
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 1: people were get married with fresh out of high school

560
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 1: eighteen Yeah. Yeah.

561
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 2: A lot of people that we knew that I went

562
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,920
Speaker 2: to high school with got married right out of high school.

563
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: Well, just to hear that, it sounds strange to know

564
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,320
Speaker 1: that you come from an error where they were getting

565
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 1: married at eighteen and twenty three was late, Yeah, right late. Yeah.

566
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,080
Speaker 1: Did you get a lot of pressure from from family

567
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 1: saying when you're gonna married? No?

568
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,440
Speaker 2: No, because I went to college and they understood, you know,

569
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 2: in college was an important thing. And I didn't even

570
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 2: think about getting married when I was in college because

571
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 2: that's just you know, college's full time job. Yeah, but

572
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 2: I did get As I said, I did get married

573
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 2: before I went to seminary for graduate school. So I'd

574
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: been out of college one year before I went to seminary,

575
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:49,960
Speaker 2: so I was twenty three. But yeah, but you know,

576
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:52,320
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to push people in any particular age.

577
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 2: I just think that the more we a little older,

578
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 2: we're going to be more realistic about what we're doing.

579
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: What kind of the young man. Were you before you

580
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 1: got married? Was you a ladies man? Was you the

581
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 1: class clown? Or were you the school nerd? Or like what?

582
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 2: Well I was? I was very much a student in

583
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:19,360
Speaker 2: high school. Uh. I didn't see myself as a leader

584
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 2: in high school, even though they elected me as the

585
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 2: president of the senior class present, which.

586
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,720
Speaker 1: Never crossed my mind.

587
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,960
Speaker 2: I was kind of shocked because I I was not

588
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 2: a party person, you know, I was not out in

589
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:37,240
Speaker 2: parties and all that stuff. And I think everybody would

590
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:39,240
Speaker 2: have said, I'm a quiet person, you know.

591
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: Uh So, did you grow up in Winston? No. I

592
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 1: grew up in a little town called China Grove. Where

593
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: is that at? What state?

594
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,720
Speaker 2: It's in North Carolina and it's about a forty five

595
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,640
Speaker 2: minute drive from where I live now. And it's not

596
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 2: the song. It's not the town the Doobie Brothers sing about.

597
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 2: They sang a song on China Grove. It was name

598
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 2: for the chattaberry tree, okay, sometimes called an umbrella tree.

599
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 2: It has these little berries and apparently there were groves

600
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,400
Speaker 2: of them, and so they named the town that. It's

601
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 2: a little textile town where most people worked in the

602
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:15,360
Speaker 2: meals and made towels, and sheets and pillow cases and

603
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: all that sort of thing.

604
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 1: Do you ever go back?

605
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, I go back. Of course, my mom and dad

606
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,600
Speaker 2: are both gone. My sister's also gone, and that was

607
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 2: just my sister's the only sibling I had. But some

608
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 2: of my sister's children are still down there. So yeah,

609
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,080
Speaker 2: we go down, you know, two or three times a year,

610
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,360
Speaker 2: and we do, for example Christmas and also in July

611
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 2: the fourth we go down and meet with family down there.

612
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 1: How does your family see you, like your nieces and

613
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,040
Speaker 1: nephews and all that. How they do they see you

614
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 1: as doctor Gary Chapman or they just like that's my uncle.

615
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:52,240
Speaker 2: I think it's Uncle Gary, and that's how do I

616
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:54,239
Speaker 2: like that? Oh?

617
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:58,000
Speaker 1: Uncle Gary? Right there? So, what is one of the

618
00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 1: main things that you learned about mayor? Or? I was

619
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:01,960
Speaker 1: going to ask you this, What was one thing that

620
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:06,800
Speaker 1: you learned about yourself? Marriage becomes a mirror reflecting who

621
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 1: we are and the deepest level, what did you learn

622
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 1: about you and your marriage?

623
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 2: I think I learned that I was much more selfish

624
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 2: than I ever thought's accountability right there. I saw myself

625
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:26,080
Speaker 2: as a person that gave, I really did. And yet

626
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 2: you know, I realized that I was expecting my wife

627
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:33,200
Speaker 2: to do what I wanted her to do in the

628
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 2: way I wanted to do it. Load the dishwasher in

629
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,400
Speaker 2: the correct way.

630
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 1: You know.

631
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 2: She she loads it like she's playing frisbee, you know.

632
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 2: And I just realized I was. I was much more

633
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:50,800
Speaker 2: selfish about a lot of things than I than I realized.

634
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,480
Speaker 2: And well, I know we all are by nature, we're

635
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 2: all self centered by nature. But you know, selfishness is

636
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 2: the opposite of love. Love is an attitude of giving

637
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 2: to people, trying to enrich people's lives. Selfishness is an

638
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 2: attitude of I want to get something good for me.

639
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,240
Speaker 1: You know. I want you to talk more about the

640
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 1: dish washing story and how it hits you later on

641
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 1: in life and your marriage. And so you had a

642
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:22,120
Speaker 1: problem with the way Carolyn loads a dishwasher. As you said,

643
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 1: she loads it like she's playing frisbee with the dishes,

644
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,040
Speaker 1: and everywhere is everywhere, and you had y'all have roles

645
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 1: and assignments. She loads washes and you unloads because a

646
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 1: lot of people, why would you care she's the one

647
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,160
Speaker 1: that's unloaded and putting the dishes up. But it's because

648
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 1: your responsibility is that you had to unload that, and

649
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:43,840
Speaker 1: how did y'all manage that space?

650
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:47,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm a morning person, so it's logical that I

651
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 2: would unload the dishwashing.

652
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 1: You know.

653
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:52,200
Speaker 2: When we got married, I thought we'd have breakfast together

654
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 2: every morning, you know, just been a nice time to

655
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,120
Speaker 2: spend time together. She's not a morning person. I mean,

656
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 2: she doesn't wake up till ten she gets but she

657
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 2: didn't wake up, you know, and so I had to

658
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:07,920
Speaker 2: unload it every morning. And it was just I mean,

659
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 2: it would be amazing if you could see what it

660
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,279
Speaker 2: looked like. I mean, the knife would be laying horizontal

661
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 2: instead of up and down, and then here's one kind

662
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,000
Speaker 2: of plate, and over here's another kind of play. I mean,

663
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:21,359
Speaker 2: it was just awful. And I tried to help her,

664
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:24,160
Speaker 2: you know, and tell her, you know, and remember I

665
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 2: was in seminary. God is a god of order, I mean,

666
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:32,399
Speaker 2: use the script, preach sermons to her. And one night,

667
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 2: she said, Honey, if it's so important to you, why

668
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 2: don't you just load the dishwasher. I said, Oh, I

669
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,880
Speaker 2: hadn't thought of that. I said, but no, honey, I

670
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:46,400
Speaker 2: don't mind doing that, but now you some nights I

671
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,279
Speaker 2: have to leave after dinner and go back to the

672
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 2: office and all, and you'd have to do it on

673
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 2: those nights. And she said, well, I don't mind doing it,

674
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,879
Speaker 2: and I'm thinking, I know you don't, but I got

675
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 2: to unloaded. So it bothered me a lot, but I

676
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 2: accepted that that was the solution. Okay, I will be

677
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 2: the main and all. Just accept the fact that on

678
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:06,719
Speaker 2: the night that she loads it, it's going to be

679
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 2: a mess. But you know, several years later, twelve years

680
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 2: ago now, she came down with cancer. Yeah, had surgery,

681
00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 2: did all the chemotherapy, lost her hair, lost I don't know,

682
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,480
Speaker 2: thirty pounds and she only weighed one hundred and thirty.

683
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 2: She just got down to one hundred.

684
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,600
Speaker 1: Hard hard year.

685
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:33,840
Speaker 2: She calls it her lost year because she couldn't do

686
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 2: it much of anything. And more recent than that, I

687
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:45,879
Speaker 2: wrote a book on the second half of marriage. It's

688
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 2: called Married and Still Loving It The Joys and Challenges

689
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,560
Speaker 2: of the second half. And we were trying to see

690
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 2: in that book. I was trying to see what are

691
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 2: the traits of couples who thrive in the second half

692
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 2: and those who just survive in the second half. And

693
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,960
Speaker 2: one of the things we discovered is that those who

694
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 2: are really thriving not only come to accept the things

695
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 2: that used to irritate them about their spouse, but they

696
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 2: come to laugh at them, laugh about them. So when

697
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,120
Speaker 2: she had the cancer and she went through that year,

698
00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 2: of course she wasn't doing cooking our washing during that time,

699
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 2: but well when she went back to loading the dishwasher

700
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,840
Speaker 2: when I wasn't there that evening, I would look in

701
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 2: the dishwasher the next morning and look at all the

702
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:43,680
Speaker 2: mess and say, thank you God, she's still alive. And

703
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 2: then I would laugh.

704
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:52,800
Speaker 1: You know, when you.

705
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,880
Speaker 2: Kind of get things in perspective when one of you

706
00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,880
Speaker 2: faces death and comes back and is still here with you,

707
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:00,520
Speaker 2: you know.

708
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: So yeah, who boy, when I say that, that puts

709
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 1: perspective around a lot. When you say that to say,

710
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 1: you know, the moment that you could have lost her,

711
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 1: that the things that irritated you the most be the

712
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,799
Speaker 1: things that you can laugh about. And like you said,

713
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 1: one of the things that people what's very well I

714
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,760
Speaker 1: believe that's undervalued in marriage is the value of laughter.

715
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,720
Speaker 1: When you can laugh with your spouse, that is so healthy.

716
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:34,480
Speaker 1: I want you to speak on that. Being able to

717
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 1: laugh and as a as a therapist. What have you

718
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 1: what have you learned to know about that?

719
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,120
Speaker 2: Well, I think there's no question about it. Laughter is

720
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 2: good for your health, and those who have studied it,

721
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:49,400
Speaker 2: you know, give examples of the kind of things that

722
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 2: are that's healthy about it. But I think it's it's

723
00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:56,720
Speaker 2: it's important, and we need to find places in ways

724
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,960
Speaker 2: that we can laugh individually as well as you know,

725
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:04,360
Speaker 2: with your spouse and with friends. Yeah, laughter is just healthy,

726
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,240
Speaker 2: and there's a lot of stuff to laugh.

727
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:07,440
Speaker 1: About in the world, you know.

728
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,399
Speaker 2: Uh, So Caroly and I, you know, sometimes we're sitting

729
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 2: at the table talking and she'd shares something that happened

730
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,319
Speaker 2: to her that day with somebody she met at the

731
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:23,920
Speaker 2: mall or somewhere, and uh and then she and we

732
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 2: sometimes we laugh about it because what she's what they said,

733
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:30,560
Speaker 2: or what she experienced with them. But it's funny, you know.

734
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,800
Speaker 2: And uh, and I think sometimes you laugh at yourself.

735
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 1: You know. Also there's how your life picked up and

736
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:42,640
Speaker 1: changed where you're traveling a lot. How did did that

737
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:45,960
Speaker 1: cause any type of uh discording your marriage?

738
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,400
Speaker 2: You know, she has always been very supportive of my

739
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:54,839
Speaker 2: speaking engagements in all and uh, I don't know, I

740
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 2: think I think she first of all, she's healthy being

741
00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:01,319
Speaker 2: with herself, and she has lots of friends. Okay, so

742
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 2: she you know, she's always she spends some of her

743
00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 2: time calling older people who are in rest homes and

744
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 2: that kind of thing, and she knows they don't have

745
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,799
Speaker 2: many friends and she's calling them. But she's also when

746
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,880
Speaker 2: I'm gone, going out to lunch with friends and dinner

747
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,800
Speaker 2: with friends sometimes some nights. So uh, I think she

748
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,399
Speaker 2: she makes the most of that time when I'm not there,

749
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:25,319
Speaker 2: And I don't know, maybe she's kind of relieved she

750
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 2: didn't have to cook.

751
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,600
Speaker 1: Take the day off. I'm gonna take the day off.

752
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:36,959
Speaker 2: But she's always been very supportive. She said, look, that's

753
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,279
Speaker 2: what God has called you to do. That's that's your

754
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:42,000
Speaker 2: mission in life. That's a part of your mission. Anyway

755
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 2: you go.

756
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: And she and she prays for me all the time

757
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:47,760
Speaker 1: that God will help me. So y'all never had any

758
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: type of discord as you were growing up having kids

759
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:56,880
Speaker 1: in the home. Your job is shifting because it's like

760
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,840
Speaker 1: neither one of y'all knew what y'all were signing up

761
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:00,960
Speaker 1: for in marriage.

762
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,000
Speaker 2: No, when it comes to occupation, no, and we had

763
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 2: we had lots and lots of conflicts in our in

764
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:11,560
Speaker 2: our marriage. Uh, but by the time the kids came along,

765
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,400
Speaker 2: we had learned how to solve conflicts. And that's one

766
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,200
Speaker 2: of the things I deal with in this book on

767
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,240
Speaker 2: things I wish I had known before we got married.

768
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:22,840
Speaker 2: I wish I had known how to solve conflicts without arguing.

769
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 1: Explain, you know, because.

770
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 2: By nature we all argue because you know, I know

771
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 2: I'm right, she knows she's right, and so we argue

772
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,799
Speaker 2: with each other trying to convince the other person logically

773
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:40,200
Speaker 2: that my position is the right position. And all couples

774
00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:43,040
Speaker 2: have conflicts, Yeah, it's just many of them have never

775
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 2: learned how to solve them without arguing, and so they

776
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 2: argue to each other and finally one of them just says, okay,

777
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,759
Speaker 2: have it your way. Yep, you know, and and now

778
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:55,560
Speaker 2: you won the argument. But they lost, and it's no

779
00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:57,880
Speaker 2: fun to live with a loser, So why would you

780
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,719
Speaker 2: want to create one? And so in that book, I'm

781
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,279
Speaker 2: talking about how do you solve conflicts without arguing? And

782
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 2: a part of that is you've got to learn to

783
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:12,239
Speaker 2: listen empathetically to your spouse, on which I mean you

784
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 2: try to see the world through their eyes. When they're

785
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 2: explaining something to you, you try to look at the

786
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,480
Speaker 2: world through their eyes. Now you can ask questions to clarify.

787
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,120
Speaker 2: You know, is this what you're saying or what I

788
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 2: hear you saying?

789
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 1: Is this?

790
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,560
Speaker 2: And if you listen to them and ask questions to clarify,

791
00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:33,319
Speaker 2: you can come to see how what they're saying makes

792
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,560
Speaker 2: sense in their head. And it always makes sense in

793
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:39,960
Speaker 2: their head. If you listen long enough, you can honestly say, well, honey,

794
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 2: now that I hear you out, I can see how

795
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:47,879
Speaker 2: that makes sense. Now here's my perspective. And then they

796
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,120
Speaker 2: give you the same thing. They listen to you and

797
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:53,600
Speaker 2: they hear your perspective, and then they listen long enough

798
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 2: to say to you honestly, well, I can see how

799
00:41:56,239 --> 00:42:00,359
Speaker 2: that makes sense. So obviously we differ on this. Now

800
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 2: how can we solve the problem, and we spend our

801
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:08,720
Speaker 2: energy looking for a solution rather than spending our energy

802
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,839
Speaker 2: trying to win an argument. Win in an argument never

803
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 2: helps a relationship. We're on the same team. We're not

804
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:20,719
Speaker 2: competing with each other. We're players on the same team.

805
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 2: So let's learn how each of us can you know,

806
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 2: and solving a conflict. There's basically a couple of ways

807
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 2: you can solve a conflict. One of you can decide

808
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 2: to go over to the other's position after you've hurt

809
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 2: each other and so, well, honey, I really think after

810
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,759
Speaker 2: talking this out, I think let's do what you have

811
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 2: in mind. I'm okay with that, and so you can

812
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 2: just go over to their side. Sometimes it's meeting in

813
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:46,879
Speaker 2: the middle, you know, we can't quite go over there.

814
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,759
Speaker 2: But honey, what about this. You know, one of the

815
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,399
Speaker 2: things young couples face right away in the first year

816
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,760
Speaker 2: of marriage, especially if their parents live in different cities

817
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 2: where we're going for Christmas? Yes, they both want you

818
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:02,960
Speaker 2: home for Christmas. Well, you may not be possible. Both

819
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 2: of them are home. He's too far away. Well, okay,

820
00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 2: maybe a middle road would be, honey, why don't we

821
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:12,360
Speaker 2: go to your parents this Christmas? Next year my parents,

822
00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 2: but on Thanksgiving we'll go to my parents, you know,

823
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,560
Speaker 2: And so each parent kind of can see that that okay,

824
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 2: that's fair enough, you know, But it's looking for that

825
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:25,920
Speaker 2: middle ground where we can come together on whatever the

826
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:29,279
Speaker 2: decision and agree, Okay, this is not exactly what you

827
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 2: wanted or what I wanted, but this works for both

828
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:32,200
Speaker 2: of us, you know.

829
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,720
Speaker 1: And when I say it's a big deal, like about

830
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: like where you're going for Christmas and all that. I

831
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:40,160
Speaker 1: remember when I was married, I would just always go

832
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:42,759
Speaker 1: to and we live in the same city, but my

833
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,319
Speaker 1: ex wife always wanted to go to her mom's house,

834
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:47,880
Speaker 1: you know, every time, and she would just never go.

835
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,880
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I want to see my mama

836
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 1: too late, and never Thanksgiving and Christmas will always be

837
00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 1: at her family's house. And I was just like, And

838
00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:59,280
Speaker 1: I remember at one point I got a little resentment.

839
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:01,600
Speaker 1: I was like, and I was like, well, I went

840
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,440
Speaker 1: there for a couple hours and not something to go

841
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,799
Speaker 1: ahead to my mom's house. Want you to come by?

842
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,080
Speaker 1: She said, well, if I leave here'm gonna go to

843
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 1: my uncle's house. And I was like, okay. You know,

844
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: it's like instead of having a conversation. And what I

845
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 1: recognize in my marriage is that I just didn't have

846
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:22,120
Speaker 1: leadership skills whatsoever. I didn't. I didn't I didn't know

847
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:25,760
Speaker 1: to sit down and have those conversations. You just want

848
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:28,440
Speaker 1: somebody to get it. You want them to take your

849
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,000
Speaker 1: social cues and be like I don't think he liked

850
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:33,160
Speaker 1: that too much. Let me change instead of you know,

851
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 1: being a man and saying, hey, we needn't talk about this.

852
00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:39,919
Speaker 1: Let's sit down and negotiate how we're gonna move as

853
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 1: a married couple, how we're gonna move when it comes

854
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 1: to Thanksgiving, a Christmas, how we're gonna move as a family.

855
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:48,720
Speaker 1: Let's put milestones and benchmarks in place on tangible goals

856
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:50,759
Speaker 1: that we want to reach as a couple instead of

857
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:52,680
Speaker 1: just flying by the seat of our pants and letting

858
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 1: whatever happened happen to us. But that's why I applied

859
00:44:57,480 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 1: people like you who have the re search, the data,

860
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 1: the anointing over your life, to take all of those

861
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:12,120
Speaker 1: all that data and information and create bite size revolutionary

862
00:45:12,239 --> 00:45:16,040
Speaker 1: concepts that will help us have better and productive marriages.

863
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,040
Speaker 1: And that's the reason why the title that book automatically

864
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: jumped out jumped at me. And when Janis mentioned I

865
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I got to talk to him about that,

866
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,200
Speaker 1: because it's very simple. It's like when you, especially when

867
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 1: you come through a divorce, you look back and be like, man,

868
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,120
Speaker 1: I wish I would have known this. I remember the

869
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 1: first year of marriage. I said that I was like,

870
00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,799
Speaker 1: I don't think I was prepared for this. No one

871
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,319
Speaker 1: told me that, and they used to always like they

872
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:41,920
Speaker 1: used to minimize it and be like, oh, you'll figure

873
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:43,560
Speaker 1: it out, you know what I'm saying. But while you're

874
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:46,359
Speaker 1: figuring it out, you're trampling on the hearts of somebody else,

875
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:49,719
Speaker 1: you know. Instead of just no, let's get some practical

876
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 1: tools to be able to safeguard our marriage, to fireproof

877
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,960
Speaker 1: our marriage, and to make sure that we have productive marriages.

878
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: Because you said something key at the very get this,

879
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 1: she said, you know, not just survive, but thrive. Most times,

880
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:09,640
Speaker 1: people we just saw are our people that our friends

881
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 1: and family just survive in marriage, you know, instead of thrive.

882
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:17,279
Speaker 1: We don't hear people have happy, productive marriage. They were like, oh,

883
00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:21,160
Speaker 1: we made it thirty years and it's like there's no

884
00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 1: joy in it whatsoever. What are some other nuggets you

885
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: want to share as we continue to wrap up. I'm

886
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:30,440
Speaker 1: gonna give you this concept in the book, which was

887
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:34,400
Speaker 1: something really cool that we needed a plan for handling money.

888
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:38,560
Speaker 1: How many times do you find that most marriages end

889
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:39,880
Speaker 1: because of money issues?

890
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 2: Well, I'm told that the research indicates that it's the

891
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 2: number one problem with couples is managing money. So what

892
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,640
Speaker 2: I'm saying to young couples is you need to get

893
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:54,719
Speaker 2: a plan before you get married. How are you going

894
00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:55,399
Speaker 2: to handle money?

895
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 1: Yep, you know.

896
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 2: One of the things I suggest is an ideal starting place,

897
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,520
Speaker 2: for example, is in particularly if you're a Christian, is

898
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 2: let's agree that we'll give ten percent of our income

899
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:12,439
Speaker 2: to God. We will save ten percent, and then we'll

900
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:16,479
Speaker 2: live on eighty percent. Doesn't matter whether we're both working

901
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:18,560
Speaker 2: or just one of us is working, but that'll kind

902
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:21,320
Speaker 2: of be our overall arching plan. So we're going to

903
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,000
Speaker 2: try to live on eighty percent of what we have,

904
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 2: which is just just a ballpark figure.

905
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:27,760
Speaker 1: But then.

906
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:32,359
Speaker 2: We need to have an idea of what it's going

907
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:36,560
Speaker 2: to cost before we get married. We often don't have

908
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 2: a real clear idea of what what all the costs

909
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:43,719
Speaker 2: are because we've never paid rent before, we've never paid

910
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:46,960
Speaker 2: a house payment, we've never paid an electric bill, we've

911
00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 2: never you know, all those things.

912
00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 1: And those are people who got married really young, young,

913
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:53,319
Speaker 1: straight from their parents' house. About people getting married later

914
00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:56,359
Speaker 1: on in life, then other times they know something about

915
00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:58,960
Speaker 1: that that's right, Yeah, that's right. And then.

916
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:03,680
Speaker 2: Who is going to handle the money in terms of

917
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,240
Speaker 2: balancing the checkbook? Every every month, you know, and who's

918
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,839
Speaker 2: going to pay the bills that come now? Of course,

919
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:11,719
Speaker 2: now a lot of it's done online. A lot of

920
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 2: people do it online. Now is just automatically paid, as

921
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 2: long as you got the money in there to take

922
00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:19,560
Speaker 2: care of it. But also one of the points I

923
00:48:19,719 --> 00:48:24,040
Speaker 2: make in there is whatever plan you have, I'm suggesting

924
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 2: that each of you has some money every month that

925
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,759
Speaker 2: you can spend the way you want to spend, so

926
00:48:30,920 --> 00:48:32,520
Speaker 2: that you don't have to go to the other spouse

927
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 2: and say, honey, could I have ten dollars for this?

928
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,240
Speaker 2: I mean, that's like you're the parent, I'm the child.

929
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:39,799
Speaker 2: You know, no, and it doesn't matter to me how much.

930
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 2: It depends on how much you make. But but you know,

931
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 2: if we can save fifty dollars a month whatever or whatever,

932
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 2: you know it, you do what you want to with that,

933
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:51,800
Speaker 2: and if you want to buy something more expensive, you

934
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,600
Speaker 2: can save save you're fifty dollars as part of it.

935
00:48:55,760 --> 00:49:00,520
Speaker 2: But having some sense of freedom to spend, you know,

936
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:03,160
Speaker 2: but it has to be within a framework because otherwise,

937
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:07,040
Speaker 2: you know, they're spenders and their savers and they usually

938
00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:10,440
Speaker 2: marry each other. So if one of you is just

939
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:13,560
Speaker 2: buying stuff at random. Whenever you see it, you like it,

940
00:49:13,680 --> 00:49:15,920
Speaker 2: you want it, it's own sale, you buy it. I mean,

941
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:19,239
Speaker 2: you can run the bill up and you can you

942
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 2: find yourself in debt and you're paying a high percentage

943
00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:25,120
Speaker 2: entest on your credit cards and all that. So, and

944
00:49:25,239 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 2: that's where it really becomes a battle, because you know,

945
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:31,320
Speaker 2: one is feeling, wait a minute, you spent two hundred

946
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:34,920
Speaker 2: dollars for what, and it gets it. We get into arguments,

947
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,759
Speaker 2: and I think that's why money is likely the very

948
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:41,280
Speaker 2: one of the biggest things that couples struggle with because

949
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 2: we don't have any plan. And I'm suggesting also in

950
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:49,279
Speaker 2: that book that maybe you could say something like, what

951
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:53,120
Speaker 2: if we agree that neither of us will buy anything

952
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:54,760
Speaker 2: over this amount.

953
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:56,399
Speaker 1: Without consulting the other.

954
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:58,960
Speaker 2: I totally agree with that, you know, and if you

955
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:01,680
Speaker 2: agree on that, then you're looking at it and you're thinking, well,

956
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:02,480
Speaker 2: that's a good deal.

957
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:03,200
Speaker 1: I should get that.

958
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,960
Speaker 2: But it's one hundred and fifty dollars and we agreed

959
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:08,680
Speaker 2: nothing over fifty or one hundred, whatever it was. So

960
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:10,040
Speaker 2: I got to talk to him about it. I got

961
00:50:10,080 --> 00:50:12,080
Speaker 2: to talk to her about it. Make sure it's okay,

962
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,400
Speaker 2: you're less likely to be arguing about it once you

963
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,080
Speaker 2: buy it, and then they get home and they say,

964
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:23,680
Speaker 2: you did what. Yeah, again, we're a team, so let's

965
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:26,479
Speaker 2: handle our money like we were a team, and let's

966
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 2: work together in spending and in saving with you.

967
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:33,560
Speaker 1: And your wife then both frugal. That y'all have issues

968
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:33,840
Speaker 1: like that.

969
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 2: It was not a really problem for us. Of course

970
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:37,800
Speaker 2: in the early years when I was in seminar, we

971
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,040
Speaker 2: didn't have any money, have no money to argue about,

972
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:45,160
Speaker 2: no problem, no problem. And of course back then bread

973
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:51,719
Speaker 2: was fifteen cents, a loaf fifteen cent, and you could

974
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:54,360
Speaker 2: buy baby food. We had our first child and we

975
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 2: were in somebody. You could buy baby food for five

976
00:50:56,880 --> 00:51:01,360
Speaker 2: cents for a little thing. We will never see that

977
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:02,360
Speaker 2: time for again.

978
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:07,120
Speaker 1: Gas gas? What was gas like twenty nine nine? Yep?

979
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:12,200
Speaker 1: I remember when I was I guess I was ten eleven.

980
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:14,680
Speaker 1: I used to mow yards and I made the gas

981
00:51:14,880 --> 00:51:18,279
Speaker 1: was like like that, like fifty nine cents or twenty five.

982
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,200
Speaker 1: It was thirty four, so it was real low. It

983
00:51:21,320 --> 00:51:24,080
Speaker 1: was real low, and I was like wow, and then

984
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:27,920
Speaker 1: you see gas four dollars and summer gallon. I remember

985
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:31,360
Speaker 1: getting that gallon of gas for fifty cents. You know

986
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:35,399
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Yeah, oh yeah, it's real different, real

987
00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:38,040
Speaker 1: real different. You get those potato chips, you get four

988
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 1: for a dollar, those twenty five cent bags, and it

989
00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:44,600
Speaker 1: was literally more than what they have now, no dollar bellue.

990
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: It's just times have changed, and when you look at

991
00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:50,120
Speaker 1: how life has changed, how do you like when you're

992
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 1: having conversations with people that are getting married, how much

993
00:51:54,680 --> 00:51:59,719
Speaker 1: are you seeing the social climate affecting their their their relationships.

994
00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:02,640
Speaker 2: I think it affects everybody. You know, we're we're part

995
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:06,320
Speaker 2: of what's going on, and so you know, we were

996
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:07,640
Speaker 2: certainly are influenced by that.

997
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:10,160
Speaker 1: When we think about social media, have you saw have

998
00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:12,440
Speaker 1: you counseled people where they like? And he's always on

999
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:16,040
Speaker 1: Instagram and he's always on this You're hearing conversations that

1000
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:18,600
Speaker 1: you and your wife never dealt with.

1001
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:21,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, I say, I tell them, I can't

1002
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,439
Speaker 2: tell you what to do, But why don't you set

1003
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:27,400
Speaker 2: limits on how much time you spend on the screen?

1004
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:30,200
Speaker 2: And I talk with parents about that too, In fact,

1005
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:33,359
Speaker 2: I wrote a book on that whole topic. Uh, we're

1006
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:37,360
Speaker 2: going screen kids, you know, Uh, but why don't you

1007
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:40,239
Speaker 2: set some limits? On yourself rather than spending all your

1008
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 2: free time, you know, on online doing stuff, playing games

1009
00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:48,480
Speaker 2: or whatever you're doing that that that can be a

1010
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:51,640
Speaker 2: part of your life, but you have to self discipline.

1011
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 2: If you just do what comes is kind of coming

1012
00:52:54,719 --> 00:52:57,240
Speaker 2: natural for you, and all your free moments you're spending,

1013
00:52:58,000 --> 00:52:59,879
Speaker 2: you're going to miss out on a whole lot of life,

1014
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:03,760
Speaker 2: and you're gonna miss out on relationships, and in a marriage,

1015
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,399
Speaker 2: you're gonna have problems because nobody wants to be married

1016
00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:12,360
Speaker 2: to somebody who's spending all their free time online, you know. So,

1017
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:15,320
Speaker 2: but it's it's yeah, it's a huge challenge in today's

1018
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:17,799
Speaker 2: culture because that's kind of where we are and that's

1019
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:19,600
Speaker 2: kind of what so many people are doing.

1020
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:22,640
Speaker 1: Do you feel hopeful?

1021
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:26,760
Speaker 2: I do feel hopeful for people who have the sense

1022
00:53:27,800 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 2: that we are in control of our lives and we

1023
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:34,640
Speaker 2: can make decisions that we don't have to be doing

1024
00:53:34,719 --> 00:53:39,000
Speaker 2: what everybody else is doing, you know, or what we

1025
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:43,080
Speaker 2: see online. We all have the same amount of time

1026
00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:46,520
Speaker 2: every single day, Yeah, and we choose how we're gonna

1027
00:53:46,520 --> 00:53:50,200
Speaker 2: spend it. Some of it, I hope we're gonna spend working.

1028
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:54,800
Speaker 2: You know, Working is a part of life. It was

1029
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,920
Speaker 2: designed from the very beginning. God gave Adam and Eve

1030
00:53:57,960 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 2: a job. Things going here, and I think you know,

1031
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:06,440
Speaker 2: it's just a part of life. In fact, the script

1032
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:08,919
Speaker 2: New Testaments chriptures say if a man will not work,

1033
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:09,960
Speaker 2: either should he eat?

1034
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:13,080
Speaker 1: Yep, as simple as that.

1035
00:54:13,400 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's you take responsibility to work, you get to eat.

1036
00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:22,239
Speaker 2: You know, you don't work, you don't eat. So we both,

1037
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,640
Speaker 2: we both and you don't have to work outside the home.

1038
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:26,320
Speaker 2: If one of you can make enough money for you

1039
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:29,920
Speaker 2: to live on, you know, more more common today of

1040
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:32,000
Speaker 2: course that both of you are working outside of the home.

1041
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,759
Speaker 2: But if a wife has a desire to be a

1042
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 2: stay at home mom, especially when the kids come along,

1043
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:41,960
Speaker 2: you know, then fine, if he can make enough money

1044
00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,359
Speaker 2: so that she doesn't have to work, then that's that's

1045
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:45,240
Speaker 2: a fine arrangement.

1046
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,960
Speaker 1: Have you have you run into those problems in counseling.

1047
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:51,080
Speaker 1: The fifty to fifty one hundred that's been a big

1048
00:54:51,160 --> 00:54:55,080
Speaker 1: topic on social media where you know, women say, I'm

1049
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:58,160
Speaker 1: not going to be fifty fifty with my my spouse

1050
00:54:58,280 --> 00:55:00,880
Speaker 1: on the bills or whatn't I as a man, he

1051
00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:04,560
Speaker 1: should provide one hundred percent of everything and my money

1052
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:08,080
Speaker 1: is my money and his money is our money. You know.

1053
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:09,680
Speaker 1: How do you deal with that? Yeah? I deal with

1054
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:10,319
Speaker 1: that in the book.

1055
00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:13,279
Speaker 2: And what I'm saying when I say is this, when

1056
00:55:13,360 --> 00:55:16,040
Speaker 2: you get married, it's no longer my money and your

1057
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:20,440
Speaker 2: moneyep It's our money. And another part of that is

1058
00:55:20,920 --> 00:55:24,279
Speaker 2: it's no longer your debt and my debt. It's our debt.

1059
00:55:25,080 --> 00:55:27,680
Speaker 2: If you're marrying somebody and they have a twenty thousand

1060
00:55:28,160 --> 00:55:34,640
Speaker 2: dollar school bill, college bill, then we have a twenty

1061
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:37,920
Speaker 2: thousand dollars. That's why I'm saying to Scupples again in

1062
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:41,960
Speaker 2: that book on money, share with each other the truth

1063
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:45,640
Speaker 2: about whatever assets you have and whatever liabilities you have.

1064
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,359
Speaker 2: Do you have money in the bank, You have five

1065
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:52,480
Speaker 2: hundred dollars in the making savings. He has fifty dollars

1066
00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:55,280
Speaker 2: in savings. It's going to be five hundred and fifty dollars.

1067
00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:59,160
Speaker 2: Hours doesn't matter because it's no longer. It's not longer

1068
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:02,839
Speaker 2: mine and yours. It's our money. So together, we've got

1069
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:05,919
Speaker 2: to be honest going into marriage. I've had couples share

1070
00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 2: with me that they had no idea that the person

1071
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:13,120
Speaker 2: they married had a thirty thousand dollar debt a college

1072
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,640
Speaker 2: or somewhere else. They had no idea until they got married,

1073
00:56:15,719 --> 00:56:19,439
Speaker 2: And I said, that is totally unfair not to share

1074
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:23,520
Speaker 2: before you get married what your liabilities are, so that

1075
00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:27,400
Speaker 2: you know when we get married, this is our responsible.

1076
00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:32,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I bet you see a lot in these

1077
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:36,359
Speaker 1: counseling sessions. You know, as we wrap up, I want

1078
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:39,120
Speaker 1: to talk about what advice would you give. I know

1079
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,160
Speaker 1: you got this amazing book, but I want you to

1080
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:43,680
Speaker 1: speak directly to the camera, and I want you to

1081
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:52,520
Speaker 1: speak to that woman who's grown a little weary in

1082
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:55,359
Speaker 1: her well doing. She doesn't believe her spouse is out there.

1083
00:56:55,520 --> 00:56:59,400
Speaker 1: She feels like the way these guys are moving nowadays,

1084
00:56:59,480 --> 00:57:03,400
Speaker 1: they're not intentional. A lot of men feel like, you know,

1085
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:07,319
Speaker 1: women are requiring way too much from them than they

1086
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,520
Speaker 1: require for themselves. They want a man to have a

1087
00:57:10,640 --> 00:57:14,920
Speaker 1: great credit score, they want the man to have a

1088
00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:18,840
Speaker 1: job that's playing six figures or whatnot, but they're saying

1089
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:22,040
Speaker 1: the women aren't equal in that same thing. You have

1090
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:24,440
Speaker 1: a women that don't cook, you have women. So it's

1091
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:29,040
Speaker 1: like these traditional roles that men feel like women hold

1092
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,280
Speaker 1: them up to, but they don't hold themselves up to

1093
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,880
Speaker 1: that same standard. So that's a loaded response. But I

1094
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:40,160
Speaker 1: want you a man, a man that is walking and

1095
00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:44,120
Speaker 1: anointing in all things relationships, to look at that camera

1096
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:46,600
Speaker 1: and speak to that man and that woman.

1097
00:57:47,320 --> 00:57:50,120
Speaker 2: Well, I think you know, if you are a gal

1098
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:52,920
Speaker 2: and you're not married, but you want to be married

1099
00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:57,120
Speaker 2: and you're getting older, I understand you can begin to

1100
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:57,960
Speaker 2: get the sense of.

1101
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:00,720
Speaker 1: What's happening.

1102
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:04,120
Speaker 2: I can't find the man you know, And let's face it,

1103
00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:08,280
Speaker 2: you may not find the man you're looking for that

1104
00:58:08,520 --> 00:58:12,480
Speaker 2: has all those things that you have in mind. There

1105
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:16,160
Speaker 2: may be some of those that you will have to realize, Oh, well,

1106
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:19,320
Speaker 2: you know, maybe I can settle that he's not this

1107
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:22,120
Speaker 2: or that or the other thing. But you should have

1108
00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:28,280
Speaker 2: some guidelines as to what person you want to me.

1109
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:33,400
Speaker 2: The most important guideline is what is their relationship with God?

1110
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:35,720
Speaker 1: And I deal with that in this book.

1111
00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:41,000
Speaker 2: We got to share our spiritual relationship because our relationship

1112
00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:47,240
Speaker 2: with God impacts everything. And for a dedicated Christian to

1113
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:49,720
Speaker 2: think of marrying somebody who's not a Christian at all,

1114
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:54,240
Speaker 2: just because you're in love with them, you're setting yourself

1115
00:58:54,360 --> 00:58:58,000
Speaker 2: up for a lot of struggles in the future. So

1116
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:01,600
Speaker 2: there's certain things you have to have in mind when

1117
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:07,640
Speaker 2: you're thinking about, you know, marrying, and don't sacrifice those things. Listen,

1118
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:13,040
Speaker 2: you can have a wonderful life as a single. But

1119
00:59:13,240 --> 00:59:18,400
Speaker 2: remember life is not found in pleasures, and it's not

1120
00:59:18,600 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 2: found in money. It's found in relationships with God and people.

1121
00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:28,160
Speaker 2: And life's greatest meaning is found in serving other people.

1122
00:59:29,160 --> 00:59:32,280
Speaker 2: So as a single, get involved in serving other people.

1123
00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:35,200
Speaker 2: Find a place where you can take your talent, your

1124
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:38,920
Speaker 2: abilities and use them to help other people. It's often

1125
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:42,760
Speaker 2: in that context that you run into a man who's

1126
00:59:42,800 --> 00:59:46,840
Speaker 2: doing the same thing. He's also out there serving and

1127
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:51,440
Speaker 2: giving other people, and you begin to think we're marching

1128
00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:53,640
Speaker 2: to the beat of the same drummer. In fact, I

1129
00:59:54,080 --> 00:59:57,640
Speaker 2: heard a pastor say many years ago, if you're a

1130
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:01,000
Speaker 2: gal and not married, you want to be married. First

1131
01:00:01,080 --> 01:00:03,880
Speaker 2: of all, commit yourself to God and run as hard

1132
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:07,200
Speaker 2: as you can in the direction of following God and

1133
01:00:07,320 --> 01:00:10,520
Speaker 2: letting him control your life. And then if you look

1134
01:00:10,560 --> 01:00:12,800
Speaker 2: over your shoulder one day and you see a man

1135
01:00:13,040 --> 01:00:15,800
Speaker 2: running in the same direction you are and he's about

1136
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:18,640
Speaker 2: to catch up with you, that's a good possibility that

1137
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:25,400
Speaker 2: he's the man for you. So you're not looking for him,

1138
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,919
Speaker 2: You're just going to be available when he runs runs

1139
01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:31,240
Speaker 2: by you. Okay, well you get the gist of what

1140
01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:34,080
Speaker 2: I'm saying. But make the most of your single life

1141
01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:36,920
Speaker 2: and do some things that you feel like would be

1142
01:00:36,960 --> 01:00:39,880
Speaker 2: helpful to you as a single and find the job

1143
01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:42,480
Speaker 2: that you really enjoy doing where you conserve people on

1144
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:46,320
Speaker 2: your job as well as, you know, volunteering to work

1145
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:48,480
Speaker 2: in other places. So what we say to the men,

1146
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,120
Speaker 2: I think to the men, I would say again, the

1147
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:54,520
Speaker 2: most important thing in your life is your relationship with God. Yes,

1148
01:00:54,840 --> 01:00:58,680
Speaker 2: because it will affect everything else. Because by nature, we're

1149
01:00:58,720 --> 01:01:02,120
Speaker 2: all selfish, and a selfish man is never going to

1150
01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:04,640
Speaker 2: have a good marriage. A man who wants to get

1151
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:07,800
Speaker 2: married so she can make him happy is not going

1152
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:11,520
Speaker 2: to be a good husband. And yet, and that's by nature,

1153
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:14,120
Speaker 2: that's what we do. You know, you're gonna make me happy,

1154
01:01:14,160 --> 01:01:16,920
Speaker 2: You're gonna meet my needs physically and every other way.

1155
01:01:17,760 --> 01:01:19,680
Speaker 2: And then we get into marriage and that doesn't happen.

1156
01:01:19,720 --> 01:01:21,600
Speaker 2: And what do we say, I'm out of here, you know,

1157
01:01:21,800 --> 01:01:25,200
Speaker 2: making me happy? No, no, no, We've got to recognize

1158
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:28,880
Speaker 2: the greatest life in the world you'll have is by

1159
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:32,000
Speaker 2: taking whatever abilities you have and using them to help

1160
01:01:32,080 --> 01:01:34,840
Speaker 2: other people. It's in the context of helping others and

1161
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:38,000
Speaker 2: serving others, that you're going to find the greatest satisfaction

1162
01:01:38,160 --> 01:01:38,560
Speaker 2: in life.

1163
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:44,440
Speaker 1: Amen, As we wrap up, I will be remiss if

1164
01:01:44,480 --> 01:01:47,600
Speaker 1: I didn't ask you to pray for me as I

1165
01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:49,840
Speaker 1: share with you. My id just don't even notice. But

1166
01:01:50,680 --> 01:01:52,000
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm going to leave this in

1167
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:57,440
Speaker 1: the actual episode, but I'll probably release it when my

1168
01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:01,400
Speaker 1: book is released. But I'm waiting on an offer from

1169
01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:05,040
Speaker 1: a publisher from my first book, and I would be

1170
01:02:05,160 --> 01:02:11,280
Speaker 1: remiss if I didn't have you pray over God's will

1171
01:02:11,360 --> 01:02:14,640
Speaker 1: over that book, God's anointing over that book, God's favor

1172
01:02:15,120 --> 01:02:19,439
Speaker 1: over the book. And can I ask you to pray

1173
01:02:19,560 --> 01:02:24,520
Speaker 1: for my book, Student of Love? I want a dispensation

1174
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:28,280
Speaker 1: to occur. I believe that people carry certain mantles, and

1175
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:31,040
Speaker 1: I believe that God has placed a mantle over you

1176
01:02:31,920 --> 01:02:35,040
Speaker 1: when it comes to relationships and building family and making

1177
01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:39,720
Speaker 1: sure that we have a healthy viewpoint of family. And

1178
01:02:39,800 --> 01:02:43,080
Speaker 1: I don't take that lightly. And so can I ask

1179
01:02:43,160 --> 01:02:45,920
Speaker 1: you to pray for my book, Student of Love? Student

1180
01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:47,280
Speaker 1: of Love, Student of Love?

1181
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:51,920
Speaker 2: Sure, Father, you know my brother here, you know the

1182
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:55,000
Speaker 2: way you've blessed him in recent years, and you know

1183
01:02:55,120 --> 01:02:59,760
Speaker 2: the impact he has through this podcast. I pray you'll

1184
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:02,160
Speaker 2: keep your hand on his heart. I pray you'll give

1185
01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:06,360
Speaker 2: him wisdom. But especially today, I pray for your hand

1186
01:03:06,440 --> 01:03:09,840
Speaker 2: upon this manuscript that he has. Father, You've put it

1187
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:12,800
Speaker 2: on his heart, You've guided him as he's written it.

1188
01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:16,080
Speaker 2: Now I pray you'll open up the right door with

1189
01:03:16,160 --> 01:03:19,080
Speaker 2: the right publisher, that your hand will be upon the

1190
01:03:19,160 --> 01:03:23,000
Speaker 2: distribution of the book. You'll give his company the wisdom

1191
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:25,440
Speaker 2: on how to promote the book. Yes, and I pray

1192
01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:29,200
Speaker 2: Father that many many people will be helped have an

1193
01:03:29,240 --> 01:03:32,920
Speaker 2: attitude of love and live a life of love, and

1194
01:03:33,080 --> 01:03:35,560
Speaker 2: that this book will help them do that. So I

1195
01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:38,280
Speaker 2: commit him and the book to you and pray for

1196
01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:41,680
Speaker 2: your hand upon it, because Father, you know we can

1197
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:44,320
Speaker 2: do nothing without you, yes, Scott, but we know you

1198
01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:48,439
Speaker 2: can take us and use us and use what we've done,

1199
01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:51,800
Speaker 2: and particularly use our books to touch the lives of

1200
01:03:51,880 --> 01:03:54,280
Speaker 2: other people. And that's what I pray for him in

1201
01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:55,160
Speaker 2: the name of Christ.

1202
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:59,440
Speaker 1: Amen. Amen, Amen, Thank you so much. Brother. Hey, listen,

1203
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:01,520
Speaker 1: this is the goat.

1204
01:04:02,360 --> 01:04:03,040
Speaker 2: This is a.

1205
01:04:04,600 --> 01:04:08,160
Speaker 1: Giant in the Kingdom of God, and I just want

1206
01:04:08,200 --> 01:04:11,200
Speaker 1: to thank you for taking the time to spend some

1207
01:04:11,280 --> 01:04:14,440
Speaker 1: time with me today to bless me with your wisdom,

1208
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:19,120
Speaker 1: your your knowledge, and I hope this was beneficial for you.

1209
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:23,200
Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed yourself as you spent some time

1210
01:04:23,280 --> 01:04:26,080
Speaker 1: with me today. So thank you so much. I really

1211
01:04:26,120 --> 01:04:28,640
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Well, thank you. I've enjoyed being with you.

1212
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:33,360
Speaker 2: It's been fun and so very challenging the topics we've

1213
01:04:33,400 --> 01:04:36,560
Speaker 2: dealt with, So I pray God I'll use each one

1214
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:39,040
Speaker 2: of them to touch the lives of the people who watch.

1215
01:04:39,840 --> 01:04:42,280
Speaker 1: God bless you. Y'all. Give it up for my homie.

1216
01:04:42,600 --> 01:04:44,760
Speaker 1: The only person that called them homie in any interview

1217
01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:47,600
Speaker 1: he's ever done, my homie, Doctor Gary Chapman. I'll give

1218
01:04:47,600 --> 01:04:50,680
Speaker 1: it up from y'all. Stay tuned to the end for

1219
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:54,600
Speaker 1: a letter to my future wife and writing these love letters.

1220
01:04:55,240 --> 01:05:03,880
Speaker 1: You daring thrust it suddenly into child protective Services. In

1221
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:09,280
Speaker 1: twenty fifteen, my nephew, black a boy, the likelihood have

1222
01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:14,720
Speaker 1: been adopted outside of kinship slim to none Rmione, sixteen

1223
01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:18,480
Speaker 1: years old, black a boy with five years in the

1224
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,640
Speaker 1: Falter care system before I even knew his name. The

1225
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:26,240
Speaker 1: likelihood have ever been adopted? Yep, you guessed it. Slim

1226
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:30,520
Speaker 1: to none. While La Darien and Ourmiani were trying to

1227
01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:34,120
Speaker 1: survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded false

1228
01:05:34,280 --> 01:05:37,360
Speaker 1: care system. I was living my own life, doing well professionally,

1229
01:05:37,920 --> 01:05:40,120
Speaker 1: having been a single father with a daughter who at

1230
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:42,600
Speaker 1: that point was doing well in college. It was my

1231
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:43,920
Speaker 1: time to live my life right.

1232
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:45,240
Speaker 2: Wrong.

1233
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:52,160
Speaker 1: I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated. There are just two many

1234
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:55,800
Speaker 1: of our black children stuck in ambiguity and in the

1235
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:59,280
Speaker 1: limbo of the Falseter care system. In twenty seventeen, I

1236
01:05:59,360 --> 01:06:03,280
Speaker 1: legally adopt my nephew Ladarian. Fast forward to twenty nineteen.

1237
01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:05,480
Speaker 1: I had no ties to this other young king, but

1238
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:08,120
Speaker 1: I felt God instructed me to adopt them also on

1239
01:06:08,200 --> 01:06:12,240
Speaker 1: al Babe. Starting over with parenting should have been enough. Right,

1240
01:06:12,320 --> 01:06:15,080
Speaker 1: Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help

1241
01:06:15,120 --> 01:06:18,200
Speaker 1: bring awareness to the countless young Black Kings and the

1242
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:22,720
Speaker 1: Falster care system should have decreased my agitation. Right. Joining

1243
01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:25,680
Speaker 1: the board of directors of Advantage of Adoption and organization

1244
01:06:25,800 --> 01:06:29,000
Speaker 1: that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in Falter

1245
01:06:29,120 --> 01:06:32,000
Speaker 1: care should have led to some type of resolve. Right. No,

1246
01:06:33,400 --> 01:06:36,280
Speaker 1: not at all. None of it felt like I had

1247
01:06:36,360 --> 01:06:40,919
Speaker 1: done enough, I now realized that every one of those

1248
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:44,840
Speaker 1: experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life's mission.

1249
01:06:45,800 --> 01:06:49,840
Speaker 1: Kingdom Royal. Kingdom Royal would be a luxury, state of

1250
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:53,280
Speaker 1: the art home for foster boys. Our first location will

1251
01:06:53,320 --> 01:06:56,000
Speaker 1: be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex. We will utilize

1252
01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:59,880
Speaker 1: the whole person approach that instills identity, empowers them to

1253
01:07:00,040 --> 01:07:04,040
Speaker 1: advocate for themselves, and enlightens them regarding new perspectives and

1254
01:07:04,200 --> 01:07:09,440
Speaker 1: limitless options that they thought were impossible. Though the young

1255
01:07:09,520 --> 01:07:11,680
Speaker 1: Kings will attend the local public schools that are in

1256
01:07:12,040 --> 01:07:15,640
Speaker 1: proximity to King of Royal. Our at home curriculum will

1257
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:19,320
Speaker 1: broaden their worldview through participating in the arts, attending various

1258
01:07:19,360 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 1: cultural events, learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions about

1259
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:28,320
Speaker 1: current events and even relevant historical contexts, introducing them to

1260
01:07:28,440 --> 01:07:32,160
Speaker 1: gardening and landscaping, and even caring for our animals on

1261
01:07:32,320 --> 01:07:36,080
Speaker 1: our form and on site stables. We just launched our

1262
01:07:36,240 --> 01:07:39,320
Speaker 1: startup capital campaign with the goal of raising two point

1263
01:07:39,320 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 1: eight million dollars. Now why two point eight million dollars? Well?

1264
01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:44,960
Speaker 1: In twenty seventeen, I created a web series in which

1265
01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:48,880
Speaker 1: I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless community.

1266
01:07:49,160 --> 01:07:51,440
Speaker 1: One of the most notable successes was that one of

1267
01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:56,600
Speaker 1: the videos went viral, garnering twenty eight million views. However,

1268
01:07:57,080 --> 01:07:59,240
Speaker 1: one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't raise

1269
01:07:59,280 --> 01:08:02,640
Speaker 1: a single dom to help in implementing a more sustainable

1270
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:06,800
Speaker 1: plan for the homeless community. So throughout the years, with

1271
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:10,560
Speaker 1: much remorse, I reflect that I'm not maximizing that moment.

1272
01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:13,560
Speaker 1: I knew if at that time just ten percent of

1273
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,479
Speaker 1: the viewers donated one dollar, we would have raised at

1274
01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:20,040
Speaker 1: least two point eight million dollars that could have really

1275
01:08:20,160 --> 01:08:23,120
Speaker 1: established long term support for the homeless community, or at

1276
01:08:23,240 --> 01:08:27,080
Speaker 1: least started a long term initiative to do so. This

1277
01:08:27,880 --> 01:08:31,679
Speaker 1: is my do over, this is our new beginning. Together,

1278
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:35,240
Speaker 1: we can attack this at the route by specifically helping

1279
01:08:35,439 --> 01:08:40,280
Speaker 1: our homeless Black boys who are already disproportionately represented in

1280
01:08:40,360 --> 01:08:44,000
Speaker 1: the American fossil care system. I'm a terisar Wickfield. I've

1281
01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:47,360
Speaker 1: been nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work with

1282
01:08:47,439 --> 01:08:51,200
Speaker 1: the homeless as well as my personal adoption journey. Despite

1283
01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:55,879
Speaker 1: those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly providing

1284
01:08:55,960 --> 01:09:01,400
Speaker 1: the infrastructure for a transformed life Kingdomroyal dot com for

1285
01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:13,200
Speaker 1: more details, Crown of King and make a donation today. Man,

1286
01:09:13,360 --> 01:09:19,240
Speaker 1: this is this is exciting. It's exciting because I November

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01:09:19,240 --> 01:09:22,360
Speaker 1: the twenty second, I will be taking vows for forever.

1288
01:09:23,120 --> 01:09:24,920
Speaker 1: I will be getting married to the woman who I

1289
01:09:25,040 --> 01:09:35,320
Speaker 1: believe that God fashioned fashioned for my heart. I love

1290
01:09:35,400 --> 01:09:38,320
Speaker 1: this woman. You'll hear me say that often the article

1291
01:09:38,360 --> 01:09:41,479
Speaker 1: In Essence, I kept saying I love this woman, and

1292
01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:43,439
Speaker 1: I really do. Well. Here's my favorite part of the

1293
01:09:43,479 --> 01:09:46,479
Speaker 1: podcast where I speak to my future wife. He dear

1294
01:09:46,560 --> 01:09:49,360
Speaker 1: future wifey, it was my greatest honor to put a

1295
01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:52,000
Speaker 1: ring on your finger. This is the first letter I've

1296
01:09:52,040 --> 01:09:55,719
Speaker 1: written since that momentous occasion on July the thirteenth, twenty

1297
01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:58,600
Speaker 1: twenty five. I've replayed that day in my mind a

1298
01:09:58,720 --> 01:10:03,160
Speaker 1: thousand times. The way your eyes welled with tears before

1299
01:10:03,240 --> 01:10:06,360
Speaker 1: your lips could form a single word, The way Heaven

1300
01:10:06,400 --> 01:10:09,559
Speaker 1: stood still just long enough for our yes to echo

1301
01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:12,800
Speaker 1: through eternity. That moment didn't just mark the beginning of

1302
01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:18,439
Speaker 1: our engagement. That marked the fulfillment of countless prayers, journal entries,

1303
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:24,400
Speaker 1: surrendered fears, letters, and divine timing. That ring didn't just

1304
01:10:24,439 --> 01:10:28,479
Speaker 1: symbolize a proposal. It was a covenant, a silent thow

1305
01:10:28,640 --> 01:10:33,240
Speaker 1: wrapped in platinum, declaring I choose you over and over

1306
01:10:33,400 --> 01:10:37,240
Speaker 1: with no expiration date. Every time I glance at your hand,

1307
01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:39,880
Speaker 1: I see more than jewelry. I see a lifetime of

1308
01:10:40,080 --> 01:10:44,000
Speaker 1: laughs and grocery store owls, late night conversations that stretch

1309
01:10:44,080 --> 01:10:50,679
Speaker 1: until sunrise, quiet forgiveness after loud misunderstandings, and love steady,

1310
01:10:51,760 --> 01:10:57,120
Speaker 1: unrelenting and sacred. Since that day, I've noticed how everything

1311
01:10:57,240 --> 01:11:01,240
Speaker 1: feels richer, How worship feels deep with you by my side,

1312
01:11:02,439 --> 01:11:07,439
Speaker 1: How purpose feels clearer knowing you're walking it with me.

1313
01:11:08,439 --> 01:11:11,200
Speaker 1: How my dreams feel more anchored because you believe in

1314
01:11:11,280 --> 01:11:14,200
Speaker 1: them too. I enjoy writing these letters to you, not

1315
01:11:14,320 --> 01:11:17,559
Speaker 1: to impress you, but to remind you that you were

1316
01:11:17,760 --> 01:11:23,280
Speaker 1: never just a choice. You were a God's answer. Your

1317
01:11:23,320 --> 01:11:26,439
Speaker 1: future heavy. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the

1318
01:11:26,479 --> 01:11:31,920
Speaker 1: Dear Future WIFEI podcast. Remember be litt live intentionally and transparently,

1319
01:11:32,439 --> 01:11:35,240
Speaker 1: and don't stop loving. Make sure to subscribe to our

1320
01:11:35,320 --> 01:11:38,639
Speaker 1: Dear Future Wife and YouTube channels. We're available on Apple Podcasts,

1321
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:42,400
Speaker 1: Google Podcasts, Spotify, and Stitcher. You welcome your support. Simply

1322
01:11:42,439 --> 01:11:44,320
Speaker 1: share our podcasts with your friends and family,