WEBVTT - Vulnerability Built Us (Guests: Mondarius & Haley Black) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:02.040 If I were to asked y'all, what was the hardest 0:00:02.040 --> 0:00:03.840 thing y'all had to deal with in your marriage? 0:00:03.880 --> 0:00:04.520 What would that be? 0:00:04.760 --> 0:00:06.800 I would probably say for me, it was when we 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:07.400 lost the baby. 0:00:07.480 --> 0:00:09.040 Yes, sat grief is a. 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:12.000 Weird thing when you're not angry. 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:14.320 At God, we lost this child. But this happened to 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:16.880 her like they had to go in and cut her 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:19.279 tube oth and then us realizing that they didn't just 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.200 cut a part of her too, but it cut her 0:00:21.200 --> 0:00:23.599 whole right too, And nobody told us that. 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:25.319 And that's why it was so difficult for us to 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:27.800 get pregnant. Doc is my bonus mom. I called Doc 0:00:27.840 --> 0:00:30.360 and I'm telling her what happened, and she's like, mm hmm, okay, well, 0:00:30.360 --> 0:00:31.920 I'm just gonna tell you this. You talking like you 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.120 don't know who God is there it is, so at 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:36.040 the end of the day, you gonna get pregnant and 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:37.760 watch it be on the right side. I don't care 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:39.440 what they say. By the time my da I was 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.479 supposed to come on, I was like, where's that. Oh 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:44.720 my god, I'm pregnant. They said, let's do an ultra 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:48.400 sound to make sure it's in the right placement this time. 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:49.920 So she goes to the left and there's nothing, like, 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:51.520 you don't see anything on the left side. 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:52.879 First of all, I was worried about the left over 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:55.040 it and the blood flow. She was like, no, it came 0:00:55.080 --> 0:00:56.680 from over here. And then she goes she said, oh, 0:00:56.800 --> 0:00:57.920 you don't have a tube over here. 0:00:58.080 --> 0:00:59.960 Yeah. 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:03.840 I don't know how if y'all were to name this 0:01:03.960 --> 0:01:07.440 episode based on what y'all shared today, what would. 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:08.440 Be the name of this episode? 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:09.480 Love after Loss? 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:11.920 Welcome to Dear Future WIFEI podcast the Blacks. 0:01:12.040 --> 0:01:14.520 How y'all doing, Hey, Hey, you're doing good? Thank you 0:01:14.520 --> 0:01:17.119 for having us. I was not taught to be a wife. 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:20.200 My mom was a single mom before, so I watched 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:24.800 her do everything, and then when being in relationships, I'm 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:26.560 still watching her carry it all. 0:01:26.800 --> 0:01:27.119 Yeah. 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:29.880 I didn't ever expect that I would have the marriage 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:30.400 that I have today. 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:33.520 I didn't know anything about marriage or how a husband 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:35.240 was supposed to act to a wife. But I knew 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:37.200 how I was supposed to act as a person, So 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:38.920 I knew that I was going to treat her the 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:39.840 best way I knew how. 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:42.120 I started to realize, I'm like, what do I want 0:01:42.360 --> 0:01:44.160 in a partner? I want you to be able to 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:46.080 trust me. I want you to be able to be 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:48.600 vulnerable with me, So how can I desire those things 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:50.880 for myself? But I'm not willing to give that to you. 0:01:51.040 --> 0:01:53.000 I'm afraid of vulnerability while I'm asking you to be 0:01:53.080 --> 0:01:53.680 vulnerable to me. 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:56.880 What made you know that she was the one that 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:58.840 you wanted to commit to for the first time? 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:09.280 So what started as a search for understanding became a 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:13.440 journey of transformation. Every letter that I wrote led me 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:15.600 to this day, the day. 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:19.760 I got married November twenty second, twenty twenty five. 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:26.000 Dear my forever, Forever is a long time. That's how 0:02:26.080 --> 0:02:30.480 long I'll love you. Those lyrics echo through every fiber 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:32.600 of my soul at the very thought of you. 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:37.639 This journey has culminated with you as both the award 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:40.000 and the reward of my pursuit of love. 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:42.320 You are the award, the. 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:45.920 Honor God placed before me, the recognition of growth, healing, 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:47.720 and becoming the man I needed to be. 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:53.400 And you are the reward, the blessing given after endurance, 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:57.880 the gift promised to those who refuse to faint. 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:02.880 This isn't just our story, this is for all of us. 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:04.960 I'm the terrassaar Whitfield. 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:09.519 Ashley are wet Fielder. Welcome to the podcast. 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:15.679 Welcome to the Dear Future Wife Podcast. I'm your host 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:17.080 of Tarissar Whitfield and. 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:18.560 I'm Ashley our Whitfield. 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:20.919 Listen, are you still shacking up with us? If you're 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:23.160 still shacking up with us, come on, can we get 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:26.480 a commitment? Hit that subscription button and subscribe. Make sure 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:29.360 you tun on your notification bell should be notified about 0:03:29.480 --> 0:03:32.200 upcoming episodes. Let me tell you why it's so important 0:03:32.480 --> 0:03:35.280 for you to subscribe to the podcast. Well, a lot 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:39.840 of advertisers, a lot of brands, when they're deciding how 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:42.320 to allocate their funds, they want to check and see 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:45.080 what kind of built in audience these platforms have. And 0:03:45.160 --> 0:03:48.120 also I get a lot of y'all that complain that 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:51.120 we've had a live event or we went live on 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:53.160 YouTube and y'all didn't know about it. Well, that's how 0:03:53.160 --> 0:03:56.280 you learned about it is to be subscribed and to 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:58.960 make sure that you turn on your notification bell. Remember, 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:01.160 the mission of the Dear Future wifeie podcast is to 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:05.280 increase marriage rates and decrease divorced statistics while providing these 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.240 tools so that we can do relationships a whole lot better. 0:04:08.280 --> 0:04:12.440 So each guest is curated for that purpose. I know 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:14.680 a lot of y'all make question while we get certain 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:18.000 guests on the podcast, either you learn something from them 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:21.000 or what not to do, or you learn what to 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:22.640 do or give you hope. 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:23.800 On this thing called love. 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:27.080 I want to personally invite you to the one voyage 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:31.080 cruise that set sell October the twenty sixth through November 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:35.080 the first. Make sure that you use the code wifey. 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.160 We're going to be doing the Dear Future Wife podcast 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:40.800 live on the ship again. Those that joined us last year, 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:43.800 y'all knew how amazing it was. 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:45.880 At that time, Ashley. 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:48.480 Was your manager. 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:49.800 Yeah, she was my manager. 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.080 So when people saw us on the cruise ship, even 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:55.720 though we were keeping our relationship private, they were like, 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:57.800 I know you ain't on a cruise with some with 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:00.680 another woman. That's got to be her, Like, I don't know, 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:01.719 is it is? 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:02.280 It? Is it? 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:04.920 And so this time she gets to walk around full 0:05:05.000 --> 0:05:07.720 glory and actually join me as a co host of 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:10.039 their Future Wifey. So it's going to be an amazing event. 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:12.640 Make sure you click the link in the description. Well, 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:17.200 today's episode is gonna be fun. This past week's episode. 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:21.479 We did it live at BCI and they were a 0:05:21.520 --> 0:05:24.200 part of the panel, and I want to get more 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:27.680 information out of them about their story because they have 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:31.400 an extremely impactful story, and so I invited them to 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:35.520 come on the podcast for their solo episode. 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.440 So, without further ado, well to Dear Future Wife podcast. 0:05:38.640 --> 0:05:42.440 My homies, the Blacks, how y'all doing good? Thank you 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:45.000 for having us call you this money. 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:46.640 You can call me money. You came, mister blak. Come 0:05:46.640 --> 0:05:48.680 when they're just don't call me late for dinner, whatever 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:50.600 you want to do, because. 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:52.880 I've noticed every time I looked at my in my comments, 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.280 they'd be like money, money, Money, and I was like, okay, 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:57.760 I've been calling them by his government name, Mindarius, and 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.480 you like, no, just call me money. So as long 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:02.520 as I don't call you late for dinner and Hayley, 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:05.719 so listen man, Thank y'all so much for coming on 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:08.039 the Deer Future Wifey podcast. Actually, now you get a 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:11.039 chance to have a conversation with them and hear how 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:12.719 dynamic their story is. 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.479 That's right, you said, my homebies, but they're really our home. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:17.560 Our home is now. 0:06:19.200 --> 0:06:23.680 Because before we started recording, they was swapping skincare. 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:31.760 Routines, and I got you those kind of essentials that 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:33.800 you need to be able to get. 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:37.080 You know, ready quickly, Look, you can't keep the good stuff. 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:40.080 Yeah, So my dares looking like they just they just 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:44.040 the whole conversation sharing about micro blade and then. 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:45.680 Their tips is waking up. Put water in a rag on. 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:48.680 I face all. We need to do whatever works well. 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:52.840 We want to celebrate you, because today, what did you 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:53.280 just do? 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:59.599 Y'all? I've paid off my student loans today I'm done 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:02.440 with South Yes, we. 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:04.960 Made was the was the was the other woman in 0:07:05.040 --> 0:07:05.680 y'all relationship. 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:11.720 She was doing too much for one of us my money. 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:13.480 You need to handle that, Okay, we can. 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:20.080 Okay. So y'all have been married for how many years? 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:20.320 Now? 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:20.840 Three? 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:21.240 Three? 0:07:21.240 --> 0:07:24.480 Three years? What's the date? Which one? 0:07:24.560 --> 0:07:26.040 Yeah? I was about to say, y'all. 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:26.480 Had two dates. 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:29.480 Y'all had a date that y'all got married that no 0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:32.240 one else knew, and then the date that your family and. 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:32.960 Friends knew about. 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:35.800 So the May twentieth is when we got married in 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:37.920 the States, and then July twenty eighth is when we 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:38.760 got married in Greece. 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:40.960 But y'all celebrate both days. 0:07:41.440 --> 0:07:44.680 So we celebrate. July is what we celebrate. 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:49.280 Yes, so that's what y'all consider y'all got. But the license, 0:07:50.280 --> 0:07:53.520 what does that say? The twentieth the twentieth May? 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:55.800 Okay, like on the twentieth of May, it's like, oh, 0:07:56.040 --> 0:08:02.640 happy anniversary. But this so what we're doing, right. 0:08:02.440 --> 0:08:04.240 So what made y'all do it that way? 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:05.200 Well? 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:08.679 As far as getting married in Greece, yeah. 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:12.880 Yeah, okay, the two separate dates, I'll say this. When 0:08:12.880 --> 0:08:15.920 it came to getting married in May, one part was 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:18.400 I realized once we were going like through the paperwork 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:20.920 trying to figure everything out, that they wanted us to 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:24.520 melt something. At one point, I said, I don't need 0:08:24.520 --> 0:08:26.239 to find out ten years later that we're not legally 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:28.360 married because something got lost somewhere. So I was like, 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.840 let's legally do it in the States. But we didn't 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:33.760 tell anybody at the time because a lot of people 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:36.360 already felt some type of way about us getting married 0:08:36.360 --> 0:08:39.800 in Greece, and we didn't plan on doing anything either 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.000 than actually, let's go get married and then we're gonna 0:08:42.120 --> 0:08:43.679 like we got married with my pastor and then we 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:46.280 went back home. And so we didn't want people to 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:49.200 be offended that they weren't invited to that, but we 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.360 wanted it to be private between the two of us, 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:53.960 so we kept that one a secret, and for the longest, 0:08:54.000 --> 0:08:56.320 everybody just thought Greece was it. And I want to say, 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:58.640 last year, I think is when a lot of people 0:08:58.679 --> 0:08:59.040 found out. 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:01.040 It's like, oh, maybe right now, a lot of people 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:04.680 right now, there's a lot of y'all that didn't know that. 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:07.200 Ny twentieth is when we got married. It really don't matter, y'all, 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:12.199 because it's the day we celebrate or don't celebrate. Actually 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:13.960 do July twenty eighth, Yeah. 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:16.640 Y'all celebrate July twenty eighth. And so the day we're 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:18.480 recording this episode of July, what's. 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:20.000 The day's day? 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:22.160 Sixteen sixteen sixteenth. 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:25.920 Yeah, so y'all be celebrating y'all's four years. It would 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:27.440 be four years, right, or. 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:29.600 Be three? 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.520 So y'all's been saying, y'all have been married for three 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:35.320 years because of the main because of the may. Okay, so. 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:38.360 We all hear. 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:42.400 We all hear that you for getting us up to speed. 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:47.200 So what's the thing that I'm asking both of y'all this, 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:52.000 What has Mariage taught you about yourself in these last 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:52.680 three years. 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:57.400 Ooh I said this online and they ate me up 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:02.000 for it. Really, yeah, I don't like apologize now I'm 0:10:02.040 --> 0:10:04.520 gonna do it, but it really made it made me 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:08.760 realize how prideful I could be, for sure, because I 0:10:08.800 --> 0:10:11.800 can know I'm wrong and i'd be like, ah, but 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:16.679 when I got married. When I got married, it was 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:18.800 one of those things that I'm like, okay, look or 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:21.520 really not even just got married, because it was one 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:24.079 of those things that show up just being in a relationship. 0:10:24.520 --> 0:10:27.680 But I started thinking to myself, for starters, the Holy 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:30.760 Spirit was sining conviction quickly, and I mean we just 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.880 had this conversation and maybe ten minutes later, it's like, now, 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:37.000 go fix it. And I'm sitting here like now from 0:10:37.040 --> 0:10:38.920 the time that the Holy Spirit is given, like, go 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:41.600 fix it. I might have said so maybe two hours later, 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:44.160 but because I'm the whole time, I'm sitting here like, 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:45.760 oh my god, I gotta go in here and tell 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:47.080 this man and I was wrong. 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.680 I gotta say I'm sorry. 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:54.720 He is so patient too, so that makes matters worse 0:10:54.760 --> 0:10:57.120 because I'm just like and he just sit there and 0:10:57.200 --> 0:11:01.000 was like okay, So I gotta come back and come 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:05.640 find you. Mm hmmmmm. He because he I'll say this. 0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:07.000 I remember. 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:10.439 I remember one incident specifically where we standing in the 0:11:10.520 --> 0:11:13.920 kitchen and it was something I think I had to 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:17.120 do with like travel, and I wanted to go on 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:19.280 like these particular dates because I was like, this is 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:21.360 when it's supposed to be. And I can't remember what 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:23.440 was going on, but I had the dates completely wrong. 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.960 But I was going so hard about these dates and 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:30.199 we don't like. He doesn't argue, so he's just like, 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.880 are you sure I don't think that's the case, and 0:11:32.920 --> 0:11:34.920 I'm like, I think it is. He's like, okay, Haley. 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:36.760 And then I had to go to the store. I'm 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:39.319 driving a Dollar General and then I like, on my 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.000 way there, I'm like it hits me. I'm like, actually, let. 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:42.440 Me go check. 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:45.080 So I go look and immediately I feel so guilty 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:47.600 because I was like, no, I'm telling you, like you're 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:50.480 always forgetting stuff. This is what it is. I came 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:52.920 back home. I walked in the house. I see him 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:55.400 he's washing dishes. I go into the room. I come 0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:58.719 back out and I'm looking and I'm like, okay, I 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:00.560 got to tell him I'm sorry. I go to him 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:02.360 and I'm like, hey, because I try to give like 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.160 a real apology though I wanted to be thoughtful, so 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:07.600 I was first thing I started. I was apologizing. I 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:09.960 shouldn't have said this the way that I did, and 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:12.360 I understand that, like my tone of voice was not it. 0:12:12.480 --> 0:12:16.400 I was talking down and I was wrong. I went 0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.160 back and I looked, and you were right, And he's 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:22.400 just sitting there like thank you, and he came with me. 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:24.880 He'll give me a hug. But I don't like apologizing, 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:28.200 he said, live yeah, I'm made a video about it. 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:29.679 Like the next day, I said, y'all know one thing 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:33.160 that I realized, I hate apologizing, Like it eats me up. 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.240 Now I'm gonna do it because I love my man 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.960 and I like a healthy marriage, but it's eating me 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:39.240 up from the time that I do it, and then 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.480 afterwards I feel good, but like leading up to it, 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:43.280 I do not like it. 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:44.439 They say back, Oh. 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:47.040 My gosh, this is so toxic. I can't believe it. 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:50.120 Anybody who loves their person, they just wouldn't be this 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:55.480 hard to apologize. I'm like, okay, y'all, y'all st I'm like, 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.959 I'm I'm being transparent. Me and pride, we talk. We 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:01.280 be tussling, but you know what, I'm not gonna let 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:02.840 it win. I ain't gonna let it win. But we 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:03.959 do be tussling long time. 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:09.559 They not even apologizing for comment right now, I don't 0:13:09.600 --> 0:13:10.920 have nobody to apologize too. 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:15.199 So it's a little something that taught you. 0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:17.760 So I'll say for me, I guess I would say 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:20.400 I was too patient. So whenever we would have conflict 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.200 a lot of times early on before marriage, I would 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:25.800 be like, Okay, let me think about it. And then 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:27.200 it will be next week and she would be like, 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:29.040 have you thought about it? Like, oh no, let me 0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:30.839 think about it, and then another week would come and 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:33.199 now she is so mad about it. But I'm I'm 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:34.880 a person who was like, oh, it'll die down. Like 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:37.040 it'll die down, we won't worry about it. We've had 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.240 good days, It'll be okay. And then we had to 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:40.880 come to a compromise. We'd be like, Okay, if you 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:42.800 say you're gonna think about it, you have to think 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:45.280 about it within the next hour or two, and then 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:46.719 we will talk about it. So now I've gotten to 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.480 the point where if they're if I feel a way 0:13:48.520 --> 0:13:50.280 or I feel like she feels a way. Let's talk 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:52.480 about this right now. Let's let's go ahead and get 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:54.480 this off our chest. Now. I don't like to go 0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:57.280 to sleep mad at each other, like we we got 0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:58.840 on that early on. I feel like I was like 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.680 because the first time I did that, when I was 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:03.880 pushing dates back, I was like, I don't like how 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:07.480 this feels. I don't like going to sleep and either 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:09.480 like if you're in Winston and I was in north 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.080 and I was in Shelby, we're not calling and staying 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:13.960 on the phone the whole time or whatever, and I'm like, 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:17.360 just what if something happens And the last thing I 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:21.240 remember is us having this back and forth about nothing. 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.760 And I didn't even want to face it. So early on, 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:25.160 I was like, yeah, let's just make sure that we 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:27.080 don't even go to sleep angry at each other. 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.520 And so you would avoid it, Yes, I was very avoidant, 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:31.960 but you always liked that growing up. 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:36.720 I would say with conflict, yeah, maybe so I would, 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:39.240 I think, so, Maybe I don't. I really don't have 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:40.840 a lot of conflict. I don't. I don't have a 0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:42.800 lot of people who are like mad at me or like, 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:45.160 I don't know I haven't been a person who like 0:14:45.160 --> 0:14:46.560 gets in trouble or anything like that. 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:47.960 So he was a good kids. 0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:50.440 Let's say. 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:54.120 Yeah, the most I can say I can say from 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:57.360 the outside, like looking in, he is somebody with his friends. 0:14:57.400 --> 0:14:59.920 He dresses addresses things like very quickly. 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:00.520 Okay. 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:04.800 But I can see with like like family dynamics, maybe 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:06.840 a little bit difference like okay, because I don't want 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:08.760 it to be like a big bigger deal than what 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:09.240 it like. 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:12.640 What it is, knowing too, because this is my first 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:15.680 like she was my first girlfriend, first wife, first, all 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:17.680 of that. Like, So I'm like, she was your first girlfriend, 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:22.880 first girlfriend for sure? Now age what age where we met? 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:24.560 Twenty I was twenty two? 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:27.840 Maybe so you went to college play basketball. This is 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:28.920 the first girlfriend you ever had? 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:29.400 Girlfriend? 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:33.440 Yes, girl, girlfriend, I'm not saying what I normally say, 0:15:33.680 --> 0:15:35.120 but she is. 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:37.240 The first girl to ever have a title for me 0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:39.000 for sure? For sure. 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:45.120 Yeah, girlfriend, I'm like, first I committed to. 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:48.520 Yes, for sure, deadly the first person I committed to. 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:51.560 You know what, how did you feel about that? Did 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:52.280 you feel special? 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:57.080 I suppose so, like because after the fact, because we 0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:00.520 were friends first, when we became friends, always thought it 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:02.320 was weird. I was like, you ain't never had a girlfriend? 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:05.560 And I was like, and know when because we were friends, 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:07.200 I knew some things. I was like, and you don't 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:11.320 nobody I remember. I used to say this all the 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:14.000 time when we met. I said, there's this one individual. 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:17.640 I thought she was bad. I said, why not? He 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:21.040 was like, he said, I'm not ready? What did you say? 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:22.920 He said, until I'm ready to commit, That's what it is. 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.560 Until I know that I can be faithful to a person, 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:26.920 I'm not going to get in a relationship. 0:16:27.000 --> 0:16:28.080 That's good. I respect that. 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:28.760 Yeah, it's good. 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.080 And so how did you feel about her co signing 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:33.040 on this other girl? Did it make you want her more? 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:36.040 Or did you still don't care about the girl when 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.200 she said yeah, because he said she was trying to 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.960 basically run run the play and be like, look, I'm 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:42.480 shaking head. 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:45.080 Nah. I think I was at that point stuck in 0:16:45.080 --> 0:16:47.680 my ways. And we talk about a lot how I 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:50.440 don't have a lot of males in my life who 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.800 have shown me what a healthy relationship looks like. I've 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.440 seen a lot of single women or women who have 0:16:57.560 --> 0:16:59.800 men in their life that they have more bad days 0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:01.520 and good And I didn't want to be a person 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:03.640 who was like that. Yes, I still took away some 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:06.520 of those things, as in I was doing things I 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:08.159 probably shouldn't have been. But at the same time, I 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:10.120 don't want to give them no empty promises. I don't 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:14.040 want to be hurting anybody's feelings or like telling any 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:17.280 lies to anybody in any aspect. So even if it's 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:21.120 a thing of if somebody finds out that I'm doing 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:23.520 something with somebody else, yes I am. I will tell 0:17:23.520 --> 0:17:26.399 you straight up. I was not holding anything back and 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:28.080 never I always wanted to be a person where I 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:30.600 was up front because I saw it hurt so many women. 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:32.480 In my life. Yeah, that's real. 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:35.640 And so did you appreciate that transparency and that honesty 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:37.919 as you know by you being his friend? 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:40.960 Oh I did, I really did. I will say, especially 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:42.919 in college, everybody out here in these streets and they 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.040 keeping it a secret and they hit people on. So 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:47.040 the one thing I used to say is, well, at 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:49.159 least you ain't leave nobody on. I guess they know 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:50.359 what it is and this is what they si. I 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.399 don't know for you know, you do? You have fun? 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.360 So what made you know that she was the one 0:17:58.400 --> 0:17:59.800 that you wanted to commit to for. 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:04.240 The time, So what made me know? And it's crazy though, because. 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:06.000 It's crazy. 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:07.800 We're talking to our friends about this because they made 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.480 a comment saying that one of their one of them 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:12.760 did something and was like, you are the perfect mate, 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:16.560 but just not for me. And at that point in time, 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:18.359 I was still this guy who she was trying to 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:19.800 get to get with, this other person who was not 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:22.959 ready for comedic relationship. And I'm like, you are the 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:25.320 person like you you are right here in my face, 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:28.199 but I just don't know what to do with that 0:18:28.640 --> 0:18:30.880 because I had never been in a relationship. I never 0:18:30.960 --> 0:18:33.280 had these feelings for anybody, and I didn't know how 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:35.800 to approach those feelings. And I told her this while 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:40.399 we were friends. I was like, am I told her 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:43.040 straight up, like I have these feelings for you, Like 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.720 I definitely could see myself with you, but I don't know. 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:49.120 I don't know how to do this right now. And 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:51.720 I was like, you can you can answer me right now, 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:53.400 or you don't have to say anything. And we were 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:56.960 coming back from where she's from our drive back quiet, 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:57.720 I turned. 0:18:57.600 --> 0:19:04.639 Radio hour because okay, I'm gonna say this. He was 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:07.720 acting weird in the car, and I thought because I 0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:09.760 told him we was going to my grandmama's house and 0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:12.920 she lived in the hood, and I told him. I says, 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.240 they're in the car. He adin't stay in the car. So, like, 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:16.800 when we get back in the car and we leave it, 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:19.240 I'm seeing her thinking he's judging me. I'm like, why 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:20.239 are you looking at me like this? 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:22.160 Mind you, neither of us know each other's home life, 0:19:22.200 --> 0:19:23.040 so she don't even know. 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:24.960 Yeah, you're from that. 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:27.959 Yeah. So I'm sitting here thinking like you judging me? 0:19:28.080 --> 0:19:30.280 And this, that and the third I'm like, goodness, And 0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:31.760 so he was looking at me. I'm like, what's up? 0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:34.439 He tells me all of this, all of that, just 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:37.280 lets it all out, and then he goes on to say, 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:39.959 but I can't really do nothing about it because I'm 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:41.119 not ready for a relationship. And you don't have to 0:19:41.119 --> 0:19:43.400 say anything if you don't want to. So I turned 0:19:43.400 --> 0:19:48.120 the radio, y'all, and I added I added this song 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:51.800 to my playlist in case you didn't know, which is 0:19:51.840 --> 0:19:55.159 a country song. It's a man telling this woman in 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:56.320 case you don't know, I love you. 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:57.320 Yes. 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.000 I thought it was the funniest thing. It's on my 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:02.040 playlist to this day. 0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:03.359 After that was. 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:08.280 Off, after we got to get I'm like, there was 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:10.520 no point in me knowing this information. So what I 0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:13.600 did was I just started dating. I'm like, not that 0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:17.520 I wasn't dating before, but I wasn't so openly dating 0:20:17.560 --> 0:20:19.360 a lot because like we didn't have anything going on. 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:21.800 So I'm like, I need you to see what you're 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:24.359 missing out on and let's go, because why are you. 0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:27.159 Telling me so you was crushing on him? Then? 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:34.439 I look, I was now, I was freshly. It was 0:20:34.440 --> 0:20:36.080 my first time being single in my dual life. I 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:38.399 was specially out of a relationship at the time, and 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:42.760 I kept thinking, like, he is kind of cute, but 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:44.919 I also know what you're about. 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:46.879 Yeah, so I don't know. 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:47.920 I don't know. 0:20:48.160 --> 0:20:49.240 Are you guys the same age? 0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:50.440 Two years older? 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:50.919 Okay? 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:54.680 So you were too, You be twenty eight this year. 0:20:55.720 --> 0:20:56.359 Let's relax. 0:20:56.640 --> 0:21:00.280 So he was twenty two, you were twenty yes, okay. 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:02.679 Okay, So, and so in your mind, you was just like, 0:21:03.040 --> 0:21:05.919 all right, Oftenna, you was doing it to make him jealous? 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:09.320 Yeah, A part of it was definitely was jealousy. Then 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:11.680 I was like, okay, fine, there was no point in 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:13.359 you telling me this, but now I'm about to make 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:14.120 you feel some type of way. 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:15.600 Let you feel that type of way. 0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:19.400 I'll say early on, early on, No, because I set 0:21:19.440 --> 0:21:23.080 her up on one of her days because we were friends. 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:24.159 We were friends. 0:21:24.160 --> 0:21:26.520 So you mean even after you done poured your heart 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:29.399 out sort of kind of ish, then you said, all right, 0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:30.640 I don't know what to do with it. So I'm 0:21:30.640 --> 0:21:32.280 gonna find you somebody else that knows what to do 0:21:32.320 --> 0:21:35.760 with how I feel about you. 0:21:35.800 --> 0:21:41.439 So I saw this person after a basketball game and 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:43.480 I was walking like, okay, we're at a basketball game. 0:21:43.480 --> 0:21:46.480 We're leaving. We had all driven there together, and I 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:48.400 go up to find money. I'm like, we're about to leave, 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:51.119 and he was at the trunk with car with another individual, 0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:52.880 and so I walk up and I'm about to tell money. 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:55.000 I'm like, hey, we're about to leave. This guy steps 0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:57.680 in front of money and says, hey, my name is whatever. 0:21:57.880 --> 0:22:01.520 I said, my name is Haley. The next day, I 0:22:01.560 --> 0:22:05.320 FaceTime money is in the morning and he did. He 0:22:05.320 --> 0:22:07.160 didn't have his headphones in and I didn't know who 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:09.239 he was with, but I said, buddy from last night 0:22:09.320 --> 0:22:12.240 was fine, like, can you hook can you hook me up? 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:15.840 He turns the camera around yes, and he heard it 0:22:16.240 --> 0:22:17.960 and he was like, so he sent me his number 0:22:18.359 --> 0:22:19.120 and I was. 0:22:19.080 --> 0:22:22.200 Like, okay, more the story didn't work out. 0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:25.280 This is where it really dawned on me my feels 0:22:25.359 --> 0:22:26.919 for him. When I was out on the date with 0:22:26.960 --> 0:22:30.480 this guy. The whole time I was thinking, if I 0:22:30.600 --> 0:22:33.399 kissed this man or it goes anywhere with this man, 0:22:33.440 --> 0:22:34.720 I would not have a chance with him. 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:37.080 Is that true? For really? 0:22:37.240 --> 0:22:41.159 For sure? Why me and him were teammates. We played 0:22:41.200 --> 0:22:43.120 on the same basketball team together, Like you said, we 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:44.879 was hanging out with me and him working. So if that, 0:22:45.080 --> 0:22:48.040 if they would have went any step further, they would 0:22:48.080 --> 0:22:49.480 have this wouldn't be it. 0:22:49.480 --> 0:22:51.760 So in your mind you already so even when you 0:22:51.840 --> 0:22:58.200 gave her the then you you literally said, if what 0:22:58.880 --> 0:23:00.600 she conducts herself in this lets. 0:23:00.480 --> 0:23:01.280 Me know what you've done. 0:23:01.640 --> 0:23:04.400 Lay you get fouled and hit two free throws. Either 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:05.120 way it goes. 0:23:05.480 --> 0:23:06.640 You try to sabotize the day. 0:23:06.680 --> 0:23:08.880 Though I didn't try to sabotize. 0:23:08.280 --> 0:23:10.679 The day, but he tried to sabize. 0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:14.119 So I'll say it from my point of view the 0:23:14.160 --> 0:23:16.159 way Hailey says it is so like Haley said, we 0:23:16.200 --> 0:23:19.760 all hung out together all the time, not this guy. No, no, no. 0:23:19.760 --> 0:23:22.040 We had a group. It was four of us and 0:23:22.280 --> 0:23:25.400 we always hung out together. And on this particular day, 0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:27.360 which was today, she was going out on the date 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:30.000 with the guy. Haley is am I the whole day, 0:23:30.040 --> 0:23:33.600 though not not just the night, she is the whole day. 0:23:33.800 --> 0:23:36.280 So me, I forgot that because she told me weeks 0:23:36.320 --> 0:23:39.600 before that they were going on the date. So it's 0:23:39.640 --> 0:23:43.000 maybe two weeks later. I don't forgot this ain't my date, right. 0:23:43.880 --> 0:23:46.080 So I'm with the other two people in our group 0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:48.640 and they're asking where Haley is. They're calling her. I'm 0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:50.720 calling her. She's not answer my phone call, she's not 0:23:50.760 --> 0:23:53.119 texting back. Even though she knows that I'm supposed to 0:23:53.160 --> 0:23:55.360 know where she's at, she's still not even telling me, like, hey, 0:23:55.600 --> 0:23:58.480 I'm with such and sing say nothing. So it dawned 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:01.280 on me maybe like right before she was about to 0:24:01.280 --> 0:24:03.680 come back, and I was like, oh, I know where 0:24:03.680 --> 0:24:05.119 she's at. And I said it out loud to the 0:24:05.119 --> 0:24:07.879 other two in the group, and I was like, I 0:24:08.040 --> 0:24:12.679 wasn't supposed to tell y'all. Though I didn't say it 0:24:12.680 --> 0:24:14.880 to them, but I was like, I was not supposed 0:24:14.880 --> 0:24:17.280 to say it to y'all. And one of our friends 0:24:18.200 --> 0:24:22.639 called Haley calling her text in there you better not 0:24:22.680 --> 0:24:24.520 be with that man. You better not like she going in, 0:24:24.600 --> 0:24:26.520 I'm wow, why she hating? 0:24:29.880 --> 0:24:30.639 Let's just say this. 0:24:31.000 --> 0:24:34.240 There's time I went out with someone that was not black, 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:36.720 and so she was like, ain't no way. 0:24:36.680 --> 0:24:41.119 And I'm. 0:24:39.400 --> 0:24:42.760 No, like, hold on, let me see. You weren'tupposed to 0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:43.160 know yet. 0:24:44.560 --> 0:24:45.280 It's a secret. 0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:51.040 Which that wasn't me though, it was God. And he 0:24:51.160 --> 0:24:54.520 brought us here. He brought us here, He brought us here. 0:24:54.560 --> 0:24:58.920 We wouldn't be here today anyway. 0:24:59.640 --> 0:25:04.600 I was just he said, you just said the name loud. 0:25:08.119 --> 0:25:12.359 Ye let me just calling. Oh that's hilarious. 0:25:12.640 --> 0:25:15.359 And so from that point on, how did it transition 0:25:15.600 --> 0:25:22.000 from that we friends? Straight platonic friends? Or were y'all 0:25:22.160 --> 0:25:27.080 kissing cousins? Okay, y'all just straight platonic friends? And then 0:25:27.760 --> 0:25:29.560 how did that? How did it transition? 0:25:30.840 --> 0:25:32.840 So fall of. 0:25:35.480 --> 0:25:38.800 Twenty nineteen, so how long is this from the from 0:25:38.840 --> 0:25:41.359 that conversation that he had how many months later? 0:25:41.720 --> 0:25:44.359 A couple of months because like it was right before summer. 0:25:44.880 --> 0:25:46.480 Yeah, didn't you tell him how the date went? 0:25:47.080 --> 0:25:49.360 I did. I did tell him how the date went. 0:25:51.560 --> 0:25:53.480 I think I went on a date like right after that, 0:25:53.560 --> 0:25:53.960 and I. 0:25:53.960 --> 0:25:56.919 Was like, yeah, because Haley. Haley was dating, but it 0:25:57.000 --> 0:25:59.080 was a It wasn't a thing of like how modern 0:25:59.119 --> 0:26:01.200 dating is now. You know, people go on dates. They 0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:02.760 you spend this money on me. I got to come 0:26:02.760 --> 0:26:03.000 back to. 0:26:03.000 --> 0:26:03.399 Your own though. 0:26:03.400 --> 0:26:06.320 Haley was send a long dissertation about what we are 0:26:06.359 --> 0:26:08.960 and are not doing and if you try to do 0:26:09.000 --> 0:26:10.920 these things, I'm going home. 0:26:13.400 --> 0:26:14.280 Because Okay. 0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:16.480 When she told me the message, I was like. 0:26:18.080 --> 0:26:18.360 The dat. 0:26:19.359 --> 0:26:22.280 I thought it was the craziest thing people out here thinking, Oh, 0:26:22.359 --> 0:26:24.480 you take me out on the date, you buy a cheeseburger, 0:26:24.520 --> 0:26:27.159 and you about to get something. I'm like, what is that? 0:26:28.000 --> 0:26:30.159 First of all? That right, it's crazy to me. So 0:26:30.200 --> 0:26:34.320 I'm like okay, And of course I'm like, of course, 0:26:34.320 --> 0:26:36.600 I'm sitting here like okay. I don't want there to 0:26:36.600 --> 0:26:40.199 be a misunderstanding when we go out. So one, I 0:26:40.240 --> 0:26:42.240 am expecting that you were coming to pick me up 0:26:42.560 --> 0:26:44.480 and you are paying for the date. That is like 0:26:44.640 --> 0:26:47.880 my thought process. So I want you to know when 0:26:47.920 --> 0:26:49.840 that is what my expectation is. But if you are 0:26:49.880 --> 0:26:51.879 expecting anything, I'm not even kissing you on the first day. 0:26:51.880 --> 0:26:53.240 I don't know where your lips been. I don't know 0:26:53.320 --> 0:26:58.680 you could have some stuff. I was so serious about it, 0:26:58.760 --> 0:27:01.280 so I always send a message if a guy asked 0:27:01.280 --> 0:27:03.359 me out. And it actually got to the point of like, 0:27:03.800 --> 0:27:05.199 this is the date that I want to come, this 0:27:05.240 --> 0:27:06.800 is what we want to do, I'm like, okay, I 0:27:06.880 --> 0:27:09.399 just need you to know these are my expectations and 0:27:09.480 --> 0:27:11.879 this is what I am not doing. So if that 0:27:11.960 --> 0:27:14.920 makes you uncomfortable, I don't then don't come. The ball 0:27:15.000 --> 0:27:17.000 is in your court, but it's for you to decide. 0:27:17.160 --> 0:27:18.760 And then I also put something in there. I do 0:27:18.840 --> 0:27:21.080 not care how great you think the date is going. 0:27:21.520 --> 0:27:25.679 Do not try me. Yes, I was, because that's how 0:27:25.720 --> 0:27:28.240 I fuck, and especially now, I think it'd be even 0:27:28.240 --> 0:27:32.040 worse today the way social media. But you literally told 0:27:32.080 --> 0:27:36.320 guys that they pay for your That was my expectation 0:27:36.400 --> 0:27:36.760 for sure. 0:27:36.920 --> 0:27:37.159 I'm not. 0:27:39.640 --> 0:27:43.800 I was. Look, I was always taught when it came 0:27:43.880 --> 0:27:46.480 to dating, Like the guy is coming to pick you up, 0:27:46.520 --> 0:27:49.000 he's not honking his horn. Now if they came and 0:27:49.000 --> 0:27:51.000 picked me up from like school, you can't come to 0:27:51.000 --> 0:27:53.280 my dorm room. So like, okay, you text me let 0:27:53.280 --> 0:27:56.160 me know you're there, but you're opening my car door. 0:27:56.600 --> 0:27:59.080 You are setting the date, you are telling me where 0:27:59.119 --> 0:28:01.520 we are going. You can ask me my interest, but 0:28:01.560 --> 0:28:03.480 you figure that out like that. Ain't got nothing to 0:28:03.520 --> 0:28:05.760 do with me. So what I need to figure out 0:28:05.800 --> 0:28:07.359 is what I'm wearing and I'm gonna just show up 0:28:07.359 --> 0:28:07.920 and have a good time. 0:28:07.960 --> 0:28:08.840 Who taught you to do that? 0:28:11.800 --> 0:28:13.720 I think I had everything to do with like the 0:28:13.760 --> 0:28:15.359 women of the church that I was going to at 0:28:15.400 --> 0:28:18.640 the time, because I remember like vividly, I was having 0:28:18.640 --> 0:28:22.600 a conversation one day with I call him Uncle John, 0:28:22.920 --> 0:28:25.760 and he was like, he said, whatever you do, don't 0:28:25.800 --> 0:28:29.679 date a boom, And so he started talking about like 0:28:29.800 --> 0:28:32.120 what a guy like which you should expect from a guy, 0:28:32.400 --> 0:28:35.879 but then his wife and his wife's sister and so on. 0:28:35.960 --> 0:28:38.000 We were like having more conversations. And this started when 0:28:38.040 --> 0:28:40.840 I was like my freshman year in high school. So 0:28:40.880 --> 0:28:43.800 I started being around more women who set expectations of 0:28:43.840 --> 0:28:47.000 what you should expect from a man, and more so 0:28:47.080 --> 0:28:49.360 along the lines of if you don't have these things 0:28:49.480 --> 0:28:52.000 and you don't have like a standard, there's not a 0:28:52.040 --> 0:28:54.280 goal anywhere, so they think they can give you just anything. 0:28:54.440 --> 0:28:55.840 So I was like, okay, so let's I could do that. 0:28:55.960 --> 0:28:56.400 I could do that. 0:28:56.920 --> 0:28:58.080 Yeah, yeah, that's good. 0:28:58.360 --> 0:29:00.760 And so you create these standards and guys will still 0:29:00.800 --> 0:29:02.440 trying to push the boundaries. 0:29:02.440 --> 0:29:04.800 And then and then how would you respond on the day? 0:29:05.320 --> 0:29:08.680 Oh no, you can get me home, Like did anyone 0:29:08.680 --> 0:29:16.240 ever not pay? Oh yes, yes, Oh my goodness, even 0:29:16.280 --> 0:29:18.880 though you told him what this This was the summer 0:29:18.960 --> 0:29:22.280 twenty nineteen. He wanted to go see the movie that 0:29:22.400 --> 0:29:24.480 just came out. It was Aladdin and it had Will 0:29:24.520 --> 0:29:27.400 Smith in it. And we get up there and he 0:29:27.600 --> 0:29:34.120 was like one ticket. I was shook. I was like, 0:29:34.200 --> 0:29:37.480 hold hold on. And this was an individual who had 0:29:37.520 --> 0:29:38.800 been trying to holler at me. I'm in college now. 0:29:38.840 --> 0:29:40.360 They've been trying to holler at me since high school. 0:29:40.360 --> 0:29:42.440 And I was just home for the summer. So I'm like, 0:29:43.320 --> 0:29:45.920 and this is what you're doing? Yeah home? 0:29:46.040 --> 0:29:47.400 And that was her last summer single. 0:29:47.880 --> 0:29:51.080 It was my last s was single. 0:29:51.440 --> 0:29:53.640 And so why is she telling you these stories about 0:29:53.960 --> 0:29:55.200 how guys were moving? 0:29:55.360 --> 0:29:57.760 What did you think about that? I don't know. 0:29:57.760 --> 0:29:59.239 I don't think in the moment, I don't think I 0:29:59.280 --> 0:30:02.200 was thinking anything of it. But I do think the 0:30:02.320 --> 0:30:05.720 distance during the summer made me reflect on what I 0:30:05.760 --> 0:30:09.280 really wanted and what I wanted after college because we 0:30:09.280 --> 0:30:11.720 were both going into our last year and I knew 0:30:11.800 --> 0:30:14.080 if I didn't capitalize on this when we went back, 0:30:14.360 --> 0:30:15.960 then that was gonna be it. Because she lived in 0:30:15.960 --> 0:30:17.440 Georgia and I was in North Carolina. It was like, 0:30:17.480 --> 0:30:19.680 when was I You thought about that? Yes, over the 0:30:19.720 --> 0:30:20.400 summer for sure? 0:30:20.520 --> 0:30:22.040 You said when we get back to school? 0:30:22.320 --> 0:30:22.520 When? 0:30:22.560 --> 0:30:22.760 When? 0:30:22.840 --> 0:30:25.520 When did we start day out? And when we got 0:30:25.560 --> 0:30:29.160 back September? When do you go back to college in August? Ye? 0:30:29.760 --> 0:30:32.040 So this was the thing because we talked almost every 0:30:32.120 --> 0:30:35.680 day over the summer because she you studied abroad in China, 0:30:36.160 --> 0:30:38.239 and we talked almost every day even though she was 0:30:38.320 --> 0:30:40.440 what was the time difference twelve hour or something like that. 0:30:40.640 --> 0:30:42.880 Oh yeah, it was twelve hour time difference. And he 0:30:42.960 --> 0:30:44.959 was working third shifts, so he would call me on 0:30:45.000 --> 0:30:46.720 his breaks because it'll be during the day for me. 0:30:47.520 --> 0:30:51.240 It's crazy. Part is like we didn't talk at the 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:53.720 beginning of the summer at all, Right, We didn't talk 0:30:53.800 --> 0:30:55.960 until like found out that it was like a rumor 0:30:55.960 --> 0:30:58.120 about us. So I was like, guess what, guess who 0:30:58.160 --> 0:31:00.840 apparently is together? And I texted him and told him 0:31:00.840 --> 0:31:02.720 that and then from that day forward. 0:31:02.520 --> 0:31:04.920 Her being in China, meet being in North Carolina, gets together. 0:31:06.160 --> 0:31:09.040 Really, there was a whole room about y'all being together. 0:31:09.360 --> 0:31:12.239 Oh my gosh, Yes, that was the whole Let's give 0:31:12.320 --> 0:31:13.960 him something to talk about in September, then. 0:31:17.240 --> 0:31:20.680 Give him something, And. 0:31:20.680 --> 0:31:25.200 So September came around, and so now he puts action 0:31:25.360 --> 0:31:28.400 behind the words that he spoke a few months prior. 0:31:28.880 --> 0:31:31.640 How did you receive that? Was you like, I don't 0:31:31.680 --> 0:31:33.720 know if he's still this player, I don't know? Or 0:31:33.760 --> 0:31:37.400 you again, when I asked you earlier, the fact that 0:31:37.440 --> 0:31:39.720 he was willing to commit to you, did you find 0:31:39.760 --> 0:31:41.960 that to be special? And he was like, well no, 0:31:42.120 --> 0:31:45.600 because I knew how he was, you know, I know 0:31:45.800 --> 0:31:46.200 as a. 0:31:46.160 --> 0:31:48.400 Friend, you knew where the bodies were buried. 0:31:48.640 --> 0:31:52.880 So when he steps to you in September, why did 0:31:52.920 --> 0:31:53.680 you take him seriously? 0:31:54.760 --> 0:31:57.200 Well? First I grilled him with questions because I was like, 0:31:57.560 --> 0:32:00.440 don't play with men. 0:32:00.800 --> 0:32:03.000 First off, she was excited asking these questions. She wasn't 0:32:03.000 --> 0:32:05.080 like this, but she was very excited. 0:32:05.360 --> 0:32:11.240 She started laughing, was like, stop playing. Yep, he said, no, 0:32:11.320 --> 0:32:13.520 I'm serious, because first of all, you would have thought 0:32:13.520 --> 0:32:14.920 he was about to tell me his cat died like 0:32:15.000 --> 0:32:17.360 the way he was approaching his conversation, he seemed really sad. 0:32:18.200 --> 0:32:20.520 He was so serious. I was like, what's going on? 0:32:21.160 --> 0:32:24.160 Like people, I thought, I'm bad happen? But then when 0:32:24.160 --> 0:32:27.320 he said it, I was like, I was like for real? 0:32:27.880 --> 0:32:31.400 He said yeah. I said, okay, hold on, like legitimately, 0:32:31.600 --> 0:32:34.560 you want to start dating now the way that I 0:32:34.560 --> 0:32:36.520 look at dating, like we are not in a relationship. 0:32:36.720 --> 0:32:38.720 We are taking our time to see if we want 0:32:38.760 --> 0:32:41.480 to have a relationship, but we're dating exclusively. That's what 0:32:41.520 --> 0:32:43.440 you're saying, he said, yeah. I said, okay, So if 0:32:43.480 --> 0:32:45.560 we take a picture together and I put it on 0:32:45.720 --> 0:32:49.400 Snapchat story or Instagrams or whatever, and somebody slides up 0:32:49.440 --> 0:32:51.600 and you know the ones I'm talking about, what is 0:32:51.640 --> 0:32:54.720 your response? And he starts laughing and I'm like, okay, 0:32:54.720 --> 0:32:57.200 hold on and what if? And I just start giving 0:32:57.240 --> 0:32:59.680 like so many because I want to be clear what 0:32:59.840 --> 0:33:03.680 is happening. I love good clear communication, clarity. 0:33:04.000 --> 0:33:07.160 Maybe she was clear, but not so clear because you 0:33:07.200 --> 0:33:09.440 know how all y'all said the dating like y'all are 0:33:09.440 --> 0:33:11.400 seeing it you on each other. Yeah, No, I meant 0:33:11.440 --> 0:33:12.040 we were together. 0:33:12.120 --> 0:33:12.640 We're together. 0:33:12.840 --> 0:33:15.120 That is because I said, this is my first one. 0:33:15.280 --> 0:33:15.600 Yeah. 0:33:15.640 --> 0:33:18.360 So when I asked that, I meant like, we are together? 0:33:18.920 --> 0:33:19.800 What you said? You said? 0:33:19.960 --> 0:33:21.600 And I was like, how she talking about we're going 0:33:21.640 --> 0:33:23.720 to go back to this other process in a way. 0:33:24.160 --> 0:33:26.600 Yeah, he told how I felt. 0:33:26.840 --> 0:33:28.960 He said, I don't know what to do with these emotions. 0:33:29.160 --> 0:33:32.680 He spent the summer reflecting, thinking, found watch dating other folks, 0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:34.480 and then he said, listen, this is what I want 0:33:34.480 --> 0:33:34.680 to do. 0:33:34.720 --> 0:33:39.520 And You're like, Dayton, because I did take into the 0:33:39.600 --> 0:33:41.760 consideration that, like, you've never been in a relationship with 0:33:42.480 --> 0:33:44.920 so are you sure that this is really what you want? 0:33:45.280 --> 0:33:46.440 Are you? 0:33:46.560 --> 0:33:49.400 I'm like, are you sure you want to be committed 0:33:49.440 --> 0:33:52.840 to one person? I'm sitting here. I didn't know and 0:33:53.080 --> 0:33:54.720 I didn't find out until I think it was two 0:33:54.760 --> 0:33:57.600 weeks in. Somebody he introduced me to somebody That's what 0:33:57.640 --> 0:34:01.240 it was on campus because he was everybody's ran on 0:34:01.240 --> 0:34:04.440 campus and he was like, Oh, whoever this person was, 0:34:04.520 --> 0:34:07.720 this is my girlfriend, Hailey. I said, oh, that's me. 0:34:07.840 --> 0:34:14.359 When we do that, that's what okay. 0:34:15.760 --> 0:34:16.000 Do that. 0:34:16.040 --> 0:34:17.920 I don't remember that, I said, you didn't ask me? 0:34:18.400 --> 0:34:20.879 He said, what are you talking about? I was like, no, 0:34:20.960 --> 0:34:21.799 that's not what you said. 0:34:22.320 --> 0:34:24.520 So that's another two dates we have because you'll say 0:34:24.680 --> 0:34:26.200 we got together in October, and. 0:34:26.120 --> 0:34:29.040 I'm like, we got to get September. It was September. 0:34:30.440 --> 0:34:34.399 So you was expecting will you go with me yes 0:34:34.520 --> 0:34:36.640 or no type of question because you said. 0:34:38.040 --> 0:34:41.719 Yes because I looked, I look, are we dating? Are 0:34:41.800 --> 0:34:44.920 we in a relationship? Because dating can be dating exclusively 0:34:45.000 --> 0:34:48.680 or dating multi what is happening? So that's where my 0:34:48.800 --> 0:34:53.160 questions were geared towards that evening. So when he didn't say, oh, no, 0:34:53.239 --> 0:34:55.239 I want a relationship, what did you said? 0:34:55.440 --> 0:34:56.640 Remember saying money? 0:34:56.800 --> 0:34:56.960 Yeah? 0:34:56.960 --> 0:35:00.560 I do, Yeah, I do remember saying exclusively talking. I'm 0:35:00.560 --> 0:35:02.239 pretty sure that's that's what we use. 0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:03.440 Exclusively talking. 0:35:03.800 --> 0:35:07.160 Yes, And that's probably where the miscommunication came in at 0:35:07.160 --> 0:35:09.880 because when I when I said exclusively talking, I meant 0:35:10.239 --> 0:35:11.719 we are together. I ain't talk. 0:35:11.840 --> 0:35:13.200 I don't want to talk about this because I was 0:35:13.200 --> 0:35:15.280 talking to my nephew son about this yesterday. 0:35:16.600 --> 0:35:18.960 According I want to hear both of y'all's. 0:35:20.640 --> 0:35:25.319 Chronology of what exclusivity or this say from marriage. So 0:35:25.360 --> 0:35:27.120 I want y'all to go from all the way. I 0:35:27.160 --> 0:35:30.160 ain't gonna start off with the first word, but whatever 0:35:30.200 --> 0:35:30.800 that word. 0:35:30.680 --> 0:35:32.360 Is, then this and then this and then this and 0:35:32.400 --> 0:35:34.160 this and this all the way to marriage. What are 0:35:34.200 --> 0:35:34.840 those stages? 0:35:35.560 --> 0:35:37.920 So nahen would be first see what she says. 0:35:38.280 --> 0:35:39.280 I want to see what she thinks. 0:35:39.440 --> 0:35:45.840 Sorry, ideally, like if I know you friendship, dating in 0:35:45.920 --> 0:35:49.840 the marriage or relationship the marriage. I don't like the 0:35:49.840 --> 0:35:51.160 whole talking thing because what is that? 0:35:51.320 --> 0:35:51.400 Like? 0:35:51.480 --> 0:35:53.160 Did y'all just change the word for dating? 0:35:53.360 --> 0:35:56.200 So no, no engagement then just just talking and their marriage? 0:35:56.520 --> 0:35:58.640 Oh yeah, give me every. 0:35:58.440 --> 0:36:05.560 Step okay, okay, so friendship, dating, relationship, engagement, marriage, All. 0:36:05.520 --> 0:36:06.440 Right, what do you say? 0:36:06.640 --> 0:36:10.680 So I would have said dating because I wouldn't even 0:36:10.719 --> 0:36:13.120 thought about friendship. If it's two people who don't even yeah, 0:36:13.880 --> 0:36:18.000 I would have said dating, relationship, engagement marriage. 0:36:18.239 --> 0:36:18.759 What would you say? 0:36:20.200 --> 0:36:20.799 Ooh? 0:36:22.600 --> 0:36:26.799 I would have said friendship. Then I would have I think, 0:36:27.320 --> 0:36:33.000 I say it, don't worry about them, No, definitely friendship first. 0:36:33.280 --> 0:36:36.279 Then I would say, there's this conversation that shifts the 0:36:36.320 --> 0:36:39.120 friendship to dating. So I don't want to skip that 0:36:39.280 --> 0:36:44.480 because that's a pivotal moment. I called that like a 0:36:45.200 --> 0:36:51.680 like an AHA moment. All yes, the friendship, then you 0:36:51.760 --> 0:36:54.960 got to have the aha moment. Then you you start 0:36:55.239 --> 0:36:58.319 you know, dating. Now you set your intentions hopefully in 0:36:58.320 --> 0:37:00.759 that aha moment and both parties have a greed. So 0:37:00.880 --> 0:37:06.640 now we're dating. But I for me, you know, I 0:37:06.760 --> 0:37:09.400 like it to be a relationship. So at the point 0:37:09.440 --> 0:37:12.440 that we're dating, it's just going to be me. So 0:37:12.440 --> 0:37:14.359 I don't know if that's dating and relationship because I'm 0:37:14.360 --> 0:37:15.520 processing this out loud. 0:37:16.000 --> 0:37:17.560 Let's go to you. 0:37:18.840 --> 0:37:26.920 I believe friendship, dating none exclusively, dating exclusively, engagement marriage. 0:37:28.080 --> 0:37:30.800 And so that's because I believe that in the friendship 0:37:30.920 --> 0:37:33.719 you're having a conversation is getting the chance to know 0:37:33.760 --> 0:37:35.680 whether that's somebody you want to be with. 0:37:36.120 --> 0:37:39.160 Then you're dating none exclusively, that. 0:37:39.040 --> 0:37:40.759 Person as a friend can be a part of that 0:37:40.920 --> 0:37:43.640 along with other people. Then you start saying, hey, listen, 0:37:43.880 --> 0:37:47.120 I want you now, I'm exclusive with you. I don't 0:37:47.120 --> 0:37:50.160 believe me personally, that's just how I roll. I don't 0:37:50.200 --> 0:37:53.279 believe you should get exclusive with anybody unless you feel 0:37:53.280 --> 0:37:55.160 like that's the person you want to marry. And so 0:37:56.000 --> 0:37:58.360 because you just exclusive for what you just I just 0:37:58.400 --> 0:38:01.000 took you off the market so your husband can't find you. 0:38:01.680 --> 0:38:02.400 What do you take. 0:38:05.360 --> 0:38:05.640 I said. 0:38:05.640 --> 0:38:08.400 It's this funny meme that went viral during COVID it 0:38:08.480 --> 0:38:10.680 said men be like, get dressed so I can take 0:38:10.680 --> 0:38:11.280 you for granted. 0:38:13.360 --> 0:38:17.600 Yeah, so, and that's one thing I definitely believe if 0:38:17.640 --> 0:38:19.360 it's gonna be if we're going to have the title 0:38:19.360 --> 0:38:22.799 of a relationship, it's got to have intentions, and the 0:38:22.840 --> 0:38:25.640 intention has to be we're trying to see if we 0:38:25.680 --> 0:38:27.480 can make marriage of a thing. 0:38:27.600 --> 0:38:29.760 And then I also think too based on age, because 0:38:29.880 --> 0:38:32.920 I don't expect Ladarian at seventeen years old to be 0:38:32.960 --> 0:38:34.560 talking about I'm exclusive with her. 0:38:34.600 --> 0:38:36.920 That means I'm gonna marry her. You're exclusive with her. 0:38:36.760 --> 0:38:39.680 So you ain't distracted, y'all be together, especially talking about 0:38:39.680 --> 0:38:41.240 college age and young people whatever. 0:38:41.400 --> 0:38:44.759 What age would you say that is that it shifts after. 0:38:44.880 --> 0:38:47.920 Well depends on your maturity level. But when you start 0:38:48.120 --> 0:38:52.240 learning that you desire marriage and you want to be married, 0:38:52.320 --> 0:38:54.719 then that can happen at Because I had Kaitlin and 0:38:54.760 --> 0:38:56.920 Kiro that was on the podcast, It were nineteen years 0:38:56.960 --> 0:38:59.840 old when they got married. You know, it's people that 0:39:00.160 --> 0:39:02.240 had that got married young in their twenties. 0:39:02.280 --> 0:39:07.960 They know Josh and Jalika. Josh, how was Josh twenty one? 0:39:08.040 --> 0:39:10.880 Yeah, ye, twenty one, and he like, this is what 0:39:10.960 --> 0:39:12.600 I want to do, you know, and so it just 0:39:12.640 --> 0:39:15.480 depends on when you know who you are and know 0:39:15.560 --> 0:39:19.560 what God's word is over your life, then you I 0:39:19.640 --> 0:39:22.279 need my purpose partner, because I always know that a 0:39:22.280 --> 0:39:26.880 lot of men when they prolonged marriage, it's. 0:39:26.800 --> 0:39:29.839 Like they matter of fact, I'm not gonna say that yet. 0:39:29.880 --> 0:39:31.400 We're gonna talk about it because I want to know 0:39:31.440 --> 0:39:34.319 what happened to this player that made him decide to 0:39:34.400 --> 0:39:37.640 say I want to be exclusive with this woman and 0:39:37.680 --> 0:39:39.440 then the maturation phase of marriage. 0:39:39.440 --> 0:39:41.319 So I don't want to give that out just yet, 0:39:41.400 --> 0:39:42.319 and I will cover this. 0:39:42.440 --> 0:39:44.759 I was gonna say to what you were saying that 0:39:44.960 --> 0:39:47.120 I knew I wanted to be with her, but like 0:39:47.160 --> 0:39:49.680 I said, I didn't. I hadn't any marriage, no, So 0:39:49.719 --> 0:39:51.680 I didn't even think about marriage at all. That was 0:39:51.719 --> 0:39:53.600 not nothing I thought about. It was just I knew 0:39:53.640 --> 0:39:56.080 I wanted to be with you, and as time progressed 0:39:56.120 --> 0:39:58.719 and we started growing closer together, I knew I wanted 0:39:58.760 --> 0:40:01.640 to be with you forever. So and I know how 0:40:01.719 --> 0:40:03.799 much she talked about marriage, I'm like, well, if this 0:40:03.880 --> 0:40:05.920 is something that I'm going to do, then I know 0:40:06.040 --> 0:40:08.360 that I need to be married. So that is that 0:40:08.440 --> 0:40:12.120 is kind of how early on the marriage phase came 0:40:12.239 --> 0:40:15.319 up for our relationship because I wasn't I wasn't hip 0:40:15.360 --> 0:40:17.279 to this at all. No, this wasn't something that I. 0:40:17.400 --> 0:40:19.759 Wasn't even him to commitment. No, I wouldn't think about it. 0:40:20.040 --> 0:40:22.360 That's why I said, it's a beautiful maturation that you 0:40:22.440 --> 0:40:25.839 went through because you like, no, nobody can't even say 0:40:25.840 --> 0:40:29.000 that I'm their man. And then something God woke something 0:40:29.040 --> 0:40:32.680 up in you where you said, I want to. 0:40:32.080 --> 0:40:35.640 Be with you right right, I want you to be 0:40:35.719 --> 0:40:36.880 my girlfriend. 0:40:37.120 --> 0:40:37.760 You know what I'm saying. 0:40:38.320 --> 0:40:41.879 So that's a that's a hard pill to swallow. And 0:40:41.920 --> 0:40:44.440 then the fact that you said it before she said it, 0:40:44.680 --> 0:40:48.480 you introduced her as such. That's a whole different level 0:40:48.520 --> 0:40:52.040 of declaration from a man speaking a word to say, 0:40:52.120 --> 0:40:54.640 this is my girlfriend, right, you. 0:40:54.560 --> 0:40:55.120 Know what I'm saying. 0:40:55.160 --> 0:40:58.080 And she looking like hold on, when if that happened? 0:40:58.280 --> 0:41:01.520 You're like, well, it happened and stuff, and she like, 0:41:01.560 --> 0:41:03.799 I don't know. But the fact that you knew what 0:41:03.840 --> 0:41:06.319 you wanted her to be and spoke about it, So 0:41:06.360 --> 0:41:09.759 what happened from that moment you had a clarifying conversation 0:41:10.120 --> 0:41:13.279 after that encounter with the person on the yard and 0:41:13.320 --> 0:41:17.600 then what happened you was like, okay, we cool, Yeah, 0:41:17.680 --> 0:41:18.680 we go together real bad. 0:41:18.800 --> 0:41:21.000 I was like, okay, okay, this is not in I 0:41:23.200 --> 0:41:26.360 will say like. I didn't tell nobody for a minute though, 0:41:26.600 --> 0:41:30.400 why because I just I think another part of me 0:41:30.520 --> 0:41:33.239 was like, are you I just need to make sure 0:41:33.280 --> 0:41:36.160 you for real, like you serious? Because so put. 0:41:35.960 --> 0:41:38.280 Context around here, because people may see this nice, safe, 0:41:38.320 --> 0:41:40.160 sanctified man right here. But he was a start for 0:41:40.400 --> 0:41:43.040 a basketball player. So let's so let's let's talk about 0:41:43.120 --> 0:41:44.560 Let's put context around. 0:41:44.520 --> 0:41:49.160 Let's talk about it. Yeah, okay, another thing, another thing 0:41:49.239 --> 0:41:52.000 I knew so being that I knew money beforehand. I 0:41:52.080 --> 0:41:54.400 knew that he was a very genuine person and I 0:41:54.480 --> 0:41:58.040 really appreciated how he carried himself. And he is somebody 0:41:58.080 --> 0:42:00.400 he cannot be pressured into anything if he does not 0:42:00.440 --> 0:42:01.759 want to do it, if he has not made his 0:42:01.760 --> 0:42:03.200 mind up about it, he will not do it, no 0:42:03.239 --> 0:42:06.000 matter who wants him to do the thing. So there 0:42:06.160 --> 0:42:09.560 was a certain level of comfort in knowing that. But 0:42:09.600 --> 0:42:11.960 then I'm also thinking back to the fact that like 0:42:12.520 --> 0:42:16.320 for starters, you've been out here in any streets. I 0:42:16.360 --> 0:42:18.960 ain't out here any streets, and on top of that, 0:42:19.160 --> 0:42:22.960 you've never been committed, so are you Are you sure 0:42:23.120 --> 0:42:25.359 this is what you want? Are you sure that you 0:42:25.400 --> 0:42:28.279 are good with cutting everything else off and it's just 0:42:28.320 --> 0:42:30.600 you and me? So I think a big portion of 0:42:30.640 --> 0:42:32.839 it had to do with the fact that, like I was, 0:42:33.440 --> 0:42:35.719 I was in it, but I was also waiting for 0:42:35.800 --> 0:42:38.560 the shoe to drop, and that was my thing. I'm like, Okay, 0:42:38.640 --> 0:42:40.080 we're going, We're gonna see it because what you're not 0:42:40.320 --> 0:42:42.719 don't don't make me look crazy out here any streets now, 0:42:44.160 --> 0:42:46.600 because like I said, that summer, there was already a 0:42:46.680 --> 0:42:48.759 rumor and I'm like, no, I'm not with this man. 0:42:49.520 --> 0:42:51.000 And now I'm with this man. 0:42:51.600 --> 0:42:52.239 So I'm like. 0:42:54.239 --> 0:42:54.279 This. 0:42:54.440 --> 0:43:00.520 And early on I posted her in October. In October 0:43:00.600 --> 0:43:06.399 actually right away, I honestly don't even know. Like thinking back, 0:43:06.440 --> 0:43:10.080 I'm like, I knew that, I knew that this was 0:43:10.080 --> 0:43:12.080 my girlfriend. Like I said, I said that early on, 0:43:12.640 --> 0:43:15.279 And a lot of things that I've seen is like 0:43:15.640 --> 0:43:18.400 people are proud of and we talked about this recently, 0:43:18.920 --> 0:43:23.160 proud of our accomplishments, things that we've done, just in everything, 0:43:23.400 --> 0:43:25.440 and whenever we are proud of them, we post them 0:43:26.000 --> 0:43:29.440 to teach. So whenever, I was like, I'm proud of 0:43:29.680 --> 0:43:32.839 who my girlfriend is. So whenever we after our first date, 0:43:33.640 --> 0:43:39.279 I posted it my girl and it was our first date. 0:43:40.280 --> 0:43:42.960 But everybody he had on his socials with North Carolina, 0:43:43.080 --> 0:43:44.480 so I was like, oh, none of my people don't 0:43:44.480 --> 0:43:47.000 see that. 0:43:47.000 --> 0:43:47.560 That's the one. 0:43:51.280 --> 0:43:54.319 I was proud. I just wanted to be sure you 0:43:54.440 --> 0:43:55.960 was gonna last. 0:43:59.040 --> 0:43:59.799 Am I still get. 0:44:03.000 --> 0:44:03.600 Change my name? 0:44:03.640 --> 0:44:09.759 And but I just understand that because I was the 0:44:09.800 --> 0:44:10.279 same way. 0:44:10.360 --> 0:44:10.680 I don't. 0:44:10.960 --> 0:44:13.440 I think when things are on social media that is 0:44:13.719 --> 0:44:17.360 very public and germanent, and so I kind of agree, 0:44:17.400 --> 0:44:19.880 like you want to make sure that what you're posting 0:44:19.920 --> 0:44:22.920 on social media is going to last, because it's definitely 0:44:22.960 --> 0:44:24.680 going to live forever. 0:44:25.400 --> 0:44:29.840 But Money said, hey, I love that you have to 0:44:29.880 --> 0:44:34.359 clean up any past residue. So when you decide to 0:44:34.360 --> 0:44:36.760 be with her, you made sure all hearts and minds 0:44:36.760 --> 0:44:37.160 were clear. 0:44:37.840 --> 0:44:39.640 Yep, and you have you have to deal with none 0:44:39.680 --> 0:44:40.440 of that foolishness. 0:44:41.239 --> 0:44:47.080 I was actually surprised because I was. I was because 0:44:47.120 --> 0:44:50.040 another thing that I was just thinking about was when 0:44:50.080 --> 0:44:54.200 it came to like communication, conflict resolution, all of these 0:44:54.239 --> 0:44:56.400 other things that they say and people tell you all 0:44:56.400 --> 0:44:58.920 the time, like oh, you don't know until you get 0:44:58.920 --> 0:45:01.160 in a relationship. Your first relationship is probably not going 0:45:01.200 --> 0:45:03.319 to be like the one you got to learn. These 0:45:03.360 --> 0:45:05.640 things have experience and you ain't got none of that. 0:45:06.040 --> 0:45:08.439 So in my head, I'm sitting here thinking like, oh 0:45:08.480 --> 0:45:10.719 my gosh, we ain't had an argument yet. We ain't 0:45:10.719 --> 0:45:12.800 had like real conflict yet. In a friendship we have, 0:45:12.880 --> 0:45:14.560 but in a relationship, I don't know how you are. 0:45:15.080 --> 0:45:17.400 So I was a little bit worried that with that 0:45:17.520 --> 0:45:19.640 lack of experience, since you already had a lack of 0:45:19.680 --> 0:45:22.759 commit with everybody, you could just walk away. Is that 0:45:22.840 --> 0:45:25.200 going to be something that you do? So I was 0:45:25.280 --> 0:45:29.239 pleasantly surprised in a lot of situations where he was 0:45:29.280 --> 0:45:33.200 just kind of willing to grow and improve, and I'm like, 0:45:34.480 --> 0:45:37.520 I ain't get no kind of push back, Like now 0:45:37.719 --> 0:45:40.200 what he was saying earlier about being avoidant, that was 0:45:40.200 --> 0:45:41.800 something that we had to discuss. I think that was 0:45:41.800 --> 0:45:44.759 probably one of the longest things for it, Like to 0:45:44.880 --> 0:45:47.319 learn in our relationship is like, look, I can give 0:45:47.320 --> 0:45:49.879 you some time, but I ain't give you two weeks 0:45:49.880 --> 0:45:58.760 of again because I need I need solutions. 0:45:56.360 --> 0:45:59.040 Oh my god, and how to talk about oh yeah, 0:45:59.160 --> 0:46:01.239 to talk to each other there, yes or something we 0:46:01.320 --> 0:46:02.879 tackled early on, I. 0:46:02.840 --> 0:46:07.719 Didn't realize like I could be so I'm somebody like 0:46:07.760 --> 0:46:09.880 I've never cussed, I never do anything like. I don't 0:46:10.080 --> 0:46:12.040 like I could debate you. I could be I could 0:46:12.040 --> 0:46:14.520 debate you down, okay, But I was like, I'm not 0:46:14.560 --> 0:46:17.080 going to do that to money. And I thought because 0:46:17.800 --> 0:46:21.440 I wasn't like this aggressive person with him, that I 0:46:21.520 --> 0:46:23.279 was good. And then one day he looked at me. 0:46:23.280 --> 0:46:27.359 Were having a conversation and he left. Actually we had 0:46:27.360 --> 0:46:30.000 a conversation, he kind of got quiet, and then later 0:46:30.080 --> 0:46:32.120 on that day we talked again and he was like, 0:46:32.160 --> 0:46:34.720 I didn't appreciate that when we were talking about this earlier, 0:46:34.719 --> 0:46:36.640 we didn't agree, and you talked to me like I 0:46:36.680 --> 0:46:40.120 was a child. And I started to notice because he 0:46:40.280 --> 0:46:42.440 this wasn't the first time, but I had never noticed 0:46:42.440 --> 0:46:44.919 it before, so I started to notice it more after that. 0:46:45.280 --> 0:46:47.960 And he was like, you do it a lot and 0:46:48.000 --> 0:46:49.600 I don't like it. And in my head I'm like, well, 0:46:49.600 --> 0:46:52.920 I'm not yelling, I'm not cussing. I'm like, I didn't realize. 0:46:53.120 --> 0:46:55.040 I didn't realize, like I take that tone of like 0:46:55.040 --> 0:46:57.080 like I'm talking to a kindergartener when I'm mad, and 0:46:57.120 --> 0:46:59.399 I'm like, oh, okay, I need to work on that. So, 0:46:59.800 --> 0:47:02.840 like he was saying, we had to learn how the 0:47:02.880 --> 0:47:07.040 person best receives or not conflict, but like criticism or 0:47:07.040 --> 0:47:08.880 if you disagree. So I'm like, okay, I gotta I 0:47:08.880 --> 0:47:10.319 got to work on my tone all right. 0:47:10.440 --> 0:47:12.640 And I had to learn that she is not one 0:47:12.640 --> 0:47:15.480 of my homeboys. So a lot of times, when you know, 0:47:15.520 --> 0:47:17.160 guys are watching the game or something, it's like the 0:47:17.160 --> 0:47:19.440 loudest person talks. So a lot of times when I 0:47:19.480 --> 0:47:21.680 would think something and she's in the middle of saying 0:47:21.719 --> 0:47:23.799 something to me, I'm just gonna spit out what I 0:47:23.800 --> 0:47:26.120 have to say, and now she isn't even finishing the thought, 0:47:26.120 --> 0:47:27.680 and it makes it seem like I'm not even listening 0:47:27.760 --> 0:47:30.239 or character listen to what she has to say. So 0:47:30.280 --> 0:47:32.200 we had to tackle that early on because I would 0:47:32.200 --> 0:47:34.560 be like, well, no, I didn't mean that. I meant this, 0:47:34.600 --> 0:47:35.640 and she hadn't even finished. 0:47:35.719 --> 0:47:37.919 I'm like, God, that's good. 0:47:39.760 --> 0:47:41.840 And it's interesting that you pointed out like how you 0:47:41.880 --> 0:47:44.440 would talk to a man, because a man never says 0:47:44.600 --> 0:47:48.799 let me finish talking like a man. You're interrupting me. 0:47:49.040 --> 0:47:54.080 A man would never say that, Man, you're not letting 0:47:54.080 --> 0:47:57.359 me finish my thoughts. We just talked over We over 0:47:57.400 --> 0:48:00.200 talk each other cool. We understand which one of the 0:48:00.280 --> 0:48:02.320 things I had to learn. I come from a family. 0:48:03.040 --> 0:48:06.719 It's seven of us, so mom and dad five, it 0:48:06.760 --> 0:48:09.399 was five kids, and we would just all talk over 0:48:09.440 --> 0:48:12.440 each other and we could all everybody get that point across. 0:48:12.480 --> 0:48:13.920 We can all talk. It'd be loud. 0:48:14.239 --> 0:48:17.319 But then being married, I recognized that if I try 0:48:17.360 --> 0:48:19.240 that with her, she'd be like, you're not letting me finish, 0:48:19.480 --> 0:48:22.440 And I'm like, just talk like we'll talk while I'm talking. 0:48:22.800 --> 0:48:26.440 You know what I'm saying. It's like, it's. 0:48:26.480 --> 0:48:31.160 You have to learn the skill set of communication, like 0:48:31.280 --> 0:48:35.560 y'all said, to allow the other person to receive it 0:48:35.600 --> 0:48:38.200 the way that's best suited for them. Instead of saying 0:48:38.480 --> 0:48:40.120 I was raised, like we all just talked together. You 0:48:40.160 --> 0:48:42.000 know what I'm saying, That's just that's just how it 0:48:42.080 --> 0:48:45.319 is or whatnot. But it's good that y'all tackled that 0:48:45.520 --> 0:48:48.440 early on. Was that in y'all dating, relationship or marriage? 0:48:50.080 --> 0:48:51.920 I think I think we really honed in on it 0:48:51.960 --> 0:48:57.080 after we got engaged, because it's my premial counsel wasn't coming, 0:48:57.239 --> 0:48:59.840 Like I was excited to do premial counselor, and it 0:49:00.120 --> 0:49:02.640 was it coming until I think it was like ten 0:49:02.680 --> 0:49:04.840 weeks out from our wedding day. But we were planning 0:49:04.880 --> 0:49:06.799 for over years. I was like, what are we gonna do? 0:49:06.880 --> 0:49:09.360 We need like, let's do some stuff. So, like I 0:49:09.400 --> 0:49:13.120 started like doing so much research about conflicts and marriage, 0:49:13.200 --> 0:49:15.879 the reasons like top reasons for divorce, things like that, 0:49:16.080 --> 0:49:18.040 and I made a journal and we went to like target. 0:49:18.120 --> 0:49:20.239 He got his journal, I got mine. And one of 0:49:20.239 --> 0:49:23.840 the things that kept coming up was communication while we're researching. 0:49:23.920 --> 0:49:26.319 So it came like a bunch of subsections and one 0:49:26.360 --> 0:49:30.600 of them was the question was like how do you 0:49:30.719 --> 0:49:34.160 best receive criticism? And so we had to kind of 0:49:34.160 --> 0:49:36.640 sit there and sit with that. And when that came up, 0:49:36.760 --> 0:49:39.080 the conversation that we had previously about him not liking 0:49:39.120 --> 0:49:42.080 like how talking had already happened before, but when we 0:49:42.120 --> 0:49:44.960 started doing that, it was like, okay, he like I 0:49:45.000 --> 0:49:47.680 have to sit here and say, oh, I like it 0:49:47.719 --> 0:49:50.680 best when like if I've done something, talk to me 0:49:50.719 --> 0:49:52.640 in this way. And I had to be able to 0:49:52.719 --> 0:49:54.719 put words to it because I can't just be mad 0:49:54.719 --> 0:49:56.399 at you if I can't even articulate what I want 0:49:56.440 --> 0:49:58.239 you to do, and I'm like, okay, I got to 0:49:58.280 --> 0:50:00.759 put words to it, and him doing the same. So 0:50:00.800 --> 0:50:02.600 when we came back together and had this conversation about it, 0:50:02.600 --> 0:50:06.000 I was like, Okay, we could do this. But I 0:50:06.040 --> 0:50:10.479 do think that the reason why we probably communicated about 0:50:10.480 --> 0:50:13.960 it in a non like blowing up type of way 0:50:14.120 --> 0:50:16.279 earlier on had a lot to do with the fact 0:50:16.280 --> 0:50:19.600 that we were used to being in households where everybody 0:50:19.680 --> 0:50:21.360 is like blowing up at each other. So it's like 0:50:21.360 --> 0:50:22.759 that's the one thing that we did not want to 0:50:22.800 --> 0:50:25.719 have in our relationship, but we didn't fine tune that 0:50:25.880 --> 0:50:27.759 and really figure it out. And it's something that has 0:50:27.800 --> 0:50:30.880 continued to like change and grow though like it started 0:50:31.200 --> 0:50:35.239 with that journal, but we've had this conversation like, well 0:50:35.280 --> 0:50:38.320 after marriage and then updating things as things like have changed. 0:50:38.520 --> 0:50:39.000 That's good. 0:50:39.160 --> 0:50:39.600 That's good. 0:50:39.640 --> 0:50:43.960 So you were that intentional about So his mindset was 0:50:44.120 --> 0:50:48.239 never saw marriage, never heard the ogs talk about the 0:50:48.320 --> 0:50:49.080 value of marriage. 0:50:49.120 --> 0:50:51.880 What was your upbringing, What were you taught or not taught? 0:50:52.280 --> 0:50:54.440 I was not taught to be a wife. I was 0:50:54.480 --> 0:50:59.200 not taught to really like value men. I guess or 0:50:59.239 --> 0:51:00.880 how a man could be in my life. I was 0:51:01.040 --> 0:51:03.800 very much like, I can do bad all by myself. 0:51:04.120 --> 0:51:06.160 I need to figure it out. Ain't nobody got my 0:51:06.200 --> 0:51:09.120 back with me kind of thing. My mom was a 0:51:09.160 --> 0:51:13.880 single mom before, so I watched her do everything, and 0:51:13.920 --> 0:51:17.720 then when being in relationships, I'm still watching her carry 0:51:17.760 --> 0:51:20.440 at all. So it was one of those things like 0:51:20.520 --> 0:51:23.640 not only having to see her carry it, but I 0:51:23.640 --> 0:51:25.640 think it was a big thing where I internalized, like 0:51:25.800 --> 0:51:27.560 I'm hearing what she says about men and with her 0:51:27.600 --> 0:51:29.839 how her relationships are going, and I'm like, okay, that's 0:51:29.840 --> 0:51:33.400 shaping it. But also I'm internalizing like I can't depend y'all. 0:51:33.520 --> 0:51:37.000 Y'all really bumped out her, I can't do this, So 0:51:37.080 --> 0:51:42.560 I'm like, I gotta have me, and that's I really, 0:51:42.840 --> 0:51:45.600 I don't know. I didn't. I didn't ever expect that 0:51:46.160 --> 0:51:48.080 I would have the marriage that I have today, And 0:51:48.360 --> 0:51:50.839 I think because of what I saw it was like 0:51:50.960 --> 0:51:53.560 and a value in that like and then also coming 0:51:53.560 --> 0:51:56.160 from a family of most of the women in my 0:51:56.239 --> 0:51:59.600 family they're not married, and then like these are open 0:51:59.600 --> 0:52:03.840 conversation that we have had or they're like, this is 0:52:03.840 --> 0:52:06.640 my old lady and where it's like, Okay, you get 0:52:06.640 --> 0:52:08.320 that tide, but you'll never get this side of wife. 0:52:08.560 --> 0:52:11.680 But I'm seeing them, yes, I'm seeing everybody not I'm 0:52:11.680 --> 0:52:13.560 seeing a lot of women not being valued, not being 0:52:13.560 --> 0:52:16.000 taken care of. So it's like, I need to be 0:52:16.000 --> 0:52:17.879 able to do this. I need to have my own job. 0:52:17.920 --> 0:52:19.719 If that's two jobs, I got to have two jobs. 0:52:19.760 --> 0:52:21.680 I need to pay for my own car, my own house, 0:52:21.960 --> 0:52:23.839 and I also need to be able to hold it down, 0:52:24.120 --> 0:52:28.080 which it translated very aggressively, and I didn't realize that 0:52:28.560 --> 0:52:31.520 at first. I had a lot of like my one 0:52:31.520 --> 0:52:34.360 of my closest friends are my bonus mom doc. They 0:52:34.400 --> 0:52:36.680 would say all the time. In my first relationship, they're like, 0:52:36.680 --> 0:52:39.440 you're so mean to him, and I'm like, no, I'm not. 0:52:40.080 --> 0:52:43.360 But I also wasn't emotionally available, and I always had 0:52:43.480 --> 0:52:46.640 in my head like I can't really rely on you 0:52:46.840 --> 0:52:48.520 and I don't want you to think that I need you, 0:52:48.840 --> 0:52:50.880 so I'm not going to give that to you. And 0:52:50.920 --> 0:52:53.359 that that was that was hard. I don't think that 0:52:53.560 --> 0:53:00.160 my mindset shifted in desiring to be married until we 0:53:00.200 --> 0:53:02.359 got together and maybe like a year and a half 0:53:02.440 --> 0:53:05.440 of being like being together because I will say this, 0:53:06.200 --> 0:53:08.480 I am not like a serial dater type of person 0:53:08.520 --> 0:53:10.440 as far as relationships, like, I'm not jumping in a 0:53:10.440 --> 0:53:12.560 relationship here there in the third I want something. I 0:53:12.560 --> 0:53:14.719 want something serious. I'm not playing these games with you. 0:53:15.360 --> 0:53:19.160 But I also was not like, Okay, we're going to 0:53:19.200 --> 0:53:21.560 get married within this timeframe, by this age, we have 0:53:21.600 --> 0:53:26.160 these kids. And so when we started dating and about 0:53:26.560 --> 0:53:28.759 a year in, a year and a half in, I 0:53:28.800 --> 0:53:29.239 was like, you know. 0:53:29.280 --> 0:53:33.400 What, I changed your mind. 0:53:36.120 --> 0:53:38.240 Because after I got out of the phase of waiting 0:53:38.280 --> 0:53:40.640 for the other shoot to drop, I'm like, you know what, 0:53:42.160 --> 0:53:42.680 I can see you. 0:53:42.840 --> 0:53:44.640 So a lot of women, I think, deal with this 0:53:44.760 --> 0:53:49.880 because it's there's a trust issue. And so walk women 0:53:50.120 --> 0:53:54.319 who may be even going through this now, and just 0:53:54.360 --> 0:53:56.680 like they have their guard up, they're like, you know what, 0:53:56.760 --> 0:53:59.040 I can take care of myself, and they haven't fully 0:53:59.520 --> 0:54:03.720 submitted or surrendered to the process of being with their 0:54:03.880 --> 0:54:06.160 purpose partner. What would you say that that's good? 0:54:07.440 --> 0:54:11.440 Ooh, that is good? I would, honestly, I would start 0:54:11.440 --> 0:54:15.600 out with at some point I had to learn to 0:54:15.640 --> 0:54:18.440 trust myself and who I chose to be with. I 0:54:18.520 --> 0:54:22.520 think that is a big thing because when you grow 0:54:22.600 --> 0:54:26.160 up seeing people make decisions that you're like, why would 0:54:26.160 --> 0:54:27.760 you do this or why would you be with that person? 0:54:28.480 --> 0:54:30.680 I think a part of it comes to be like, 0:54:30.960 --> 0:54:33.000 am I making that same decision and I'm just not 0:54:33.040 --> 0:54:35.520 seeing it? Because I can see that this is a 0:54:35.520 --> 0:54:37.600 bad decision, but I'm wondering, why can't you see it? 0:54:37.960 --> 0:54:39.759 So a part of me is like, can I even 0:54:39.760 --> 0:54:41.320 trust the decisions that I'm making with the person that 0:54:41.360 --> 0:54:45.480 I'm being with? And once I kind of got past 0:54:45.520 --> 0:54:47.879 that hurdle, I started to realize, I'm like, what do 0:54:47.960 --> 0:54:52.080 I want in a partner? And with the things that 0:54:52.160 --> 0:54:54.000 I want, I want you to be able to trust me. 0:54:54.400 --> 0:54:56.440 I want you to be able to be vulnerable with me, 0:54:56.680 --> 0:54:58.600 to be able to open up to me, and I 0:54:58.719 --> 0:55:01.200 want to be that friend for you. So how can 0:55:01.239 --> 0:55:03.760 I desire those things for myself? But I'm not willing 0:55:03.800 --> 0:55:06.080 to give that to you. I'm afraid of vulnerability while 0:55:06.120 --> 0:55:08.960 I'm asking you to be vulnerable to me, And that part, 0:55:09.080 --> 0:55:11.680 I think that was probably the hardest thing for me 0:55:11.880 --> 0:55:14.719 to really get over, cause when it comes to I 0:55:14.760 --> 0:55:17.920 was scared of vulnerability, like all I'd ever seen is 0:55:17.960 --> 0:55:21.080 people take advantage of it, And so I had this mindset. 0:55:21.120 --> 0:55:25.040 At one point, I said, you know what, even if 0:55:25.480 --> 0:55:27.799 I'm vulnerable with you and you know that I love you, 0:55:28.120 --> 0:55:30.040 it is my choice to allow you to take advantage 0:55:30.040 --> 0:55:33.560 of that. So my vulnerability is not going to be 0:55:33.640 --> 0:55:35.719 my weakness. It is going to be my strength. But 0:55:35.760 --> 0:55:38.719 I had to, like I had to tell myself that, 0:55:39.160 --> 0:55:41.520 and it wasn't like an overnight thing. It wasn't like 0:55:41.920 --> 0:55:43.319 now I know this, Okay, I'm going to do it. 0:55:43.600 --> 0:55:46.960 Like it was a continuous step every step of the 0:55:47.000 --> 0:55:48.839 way of like, Okay, I can trust him with this, Oh, 0:55:48.840 --> 0:55:51.160 I can trust him with that, and slowly but surely, 0:55:51.280 --> 0:55:53.520 like I'm breaking my walls down, especially when it came 0:55:53.560 --> 0:55:57.200 to like having your guard up and not really having 0:55:57.360 --> 0:56:02.400 a consistent and strong father figure showing you what it 0:56:02.480 --> 0:56:05.000 means to really be taken care of in a way 0:56:05.000 --> 0:56:06.600 that or how you should be taken care of, how 0:56:06.600 --> 0:56:08.839 you should be loved. So like I'm trying to figure 0:56:08.840 --> 0:56:11.880 it out, like I'm putting the pieces together and I 0:56:11.880 --> 0:56:14.560 don't have the whole picture, but it's like, okay, take 0:56:14.600 --> 0:56:16.880 it step by step. So I think one of the 0:56:16.880 --> 0:56:19.040 biggest things, one of the biggest things I would say 0:56:19.160 --> 0:56:23.239 is one learn to trust yourself, but not in a 0:56:23.239 --> 0:56:25.319 way where you're fooling yourself either, because I do think 0:56:25.360 --> 0:56:28.160 it's very easy to lie to yourself. It's very easy 0:56:28.200 --> 0:56:31.480 to say, well, I've never had something this good growing up, 0:56:31.520 --> 0:56:33.600 so this has to be like, it's better than this 0:56:33.680 --> 0:56:36.759 has to be good when the reality of it is no. Like, 0:56:36.880 --> 0:56:39.400 just because it's better than what you saw does not 0:56:39.480 --> 0:56:41.160 mean it's the thing that you need to keep around, 0:56:41.360 --> 0:56:43.600 because that thing can break you. So at the end 0:56:43.600 --> 0:56:49.120 of the day, I really started taking notes about I 0:56:49.200 --> 0:56:53.799 go back to what Uncle John said he was giving, well, 0:56:53.840 --> 0:56:56.160 not even just what he was like a conversation that 0:56:56.200 --> 0:56:59.800 he was having with me, but I started watching marriages 0:57:00.280 --> 0:57:03.280 that I could tell we're good marriages, and the way 0:57:03.320 --> 0:57:06.160 that he was with his wife, the way that he 0:57:06.320 --> 0:57:09.160 was with his daughters, the way like I just was 0:57:09.200 --> 0:57:13.439 really okay, I can I can see and it wasn't 0:57:13.440 --> 0:57:15.840 in a belittling kind of way. But I also noticed 0:57:15.880 --> 0:57:17.960 that she was not tearing him down either, like they 0:57:17.960 --> 0:57:20.680 could have open disagreements in front of people, and it 0:57:20.760 --> 0:57:22.800 just looked like a simple conversation. It's like, oh, you 0:57:22.840 --> 0:57:24.800 know what, you're right Like now, I took me a 0:57:24.840 --> 0:57:26.640 minute to figure that out when I got in a relationship. 0:57:26.840 --> 0:57:29.720 But those are things, like those were nuggets that I 0:57:29.800 --> 0:57:31.800 was taking in And I'm like, you need to surround 0:57:31.840 --> 0:57:34.000 yourself with other married people that are healthy, Like you 0:57:34.080 --> 0:57:36.840 need to see something that is good, because so many 0:57:36.840 --> 0:57:39.200 people take what they see and like this is that's 0:57:39.280 --> 0:57:41.360 bad and like applied across the board when that's not 0:57:41.360 --> 0:57:41.720 the case. 0:57:42.280 --> 0:57:44.320 I want to give the definition because you touched on 0:57:45.200 --> 0:57:50.040 walking in vulnerability and you said being able to be 0:57:50.440 --> 0:57:53.640 vulnerable and if you are hurt in the process, then 0:57:53.640 --> 0:57:59.440 basically that your responsibility is vulnerability. Vulnerable means being exposed 0:57:59.480 --> 0:58:04.840 to the possible ability of being physically, emotionally or mentally harmed, attacked, 0:58:05.200 --> 0:58:09.320 or influenced. It's derived from the Latin word vulneraire, meaning 0:58:09.560 --> 0:58:13.360 to wound. It describes someone or something that lacks protection, 0:58:13.760 --> 0:58:18.360 is defenseless, or is highly susceptible to damage. And isn't 0:58:18.360 --> 0:58:22.800 that amazing that we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. 0:58:23.520 --> 0:58:25.560 And the fear that you had was, ooh, if you 0:58:25.640 --> 0:58:27.480 hurt me, ooh, if the shoe drops, Ooh, if you 0:58:27.560 --> 0:58:29.560 leave me, ooh if I put my heart in your 0:58:29.600 --> 0:58:32.400 hands and you do me wrong, and that's the key 0:58:32.840 --> 0:58:35.479 that we have to operate in in order for love 0:58:35.560 --> 0:58:39.560 to flourish. Jesus Christ, the Bible says that he didn't 0:58:39.640 --> 0:58:40.680 They didn't take his life. 0:58:40.720 --> 0:58:42.480 He gave his life. He became vulnerable. 0:58:42.520 --> 0:58:46.160 He just said, here, you can't just you can't kill 0:58:46.160 --> 0:58:49.240 a savior unless he allows you to kill him. He says, 0:58:49.240 --> 0:58:52.160 I'm gonna be vulnerable to y'all. And that's what birthed 0:58:52.200 --> 0:58:56.840 our salvation. And so kudos, first of all, brilliant question 0:58:57.000 --> 0:59:00.479 Ashley to even ask her that question, because a lot 0:59:00.480 --> 0:59:05.080 of men may meet a woman that has been raised 0:59:05.080 --> 0:59:07.000 a certain way and be like mm hmm, she too 0:59:07.080 --> 0:59:08.840 much work, and they just give up. 0:59:08.840 --> 0:59:10.439 They be like, I'm not going to deal with that. 0:59:11.080 --> 0:59:15.280 So my question you money, is were you aware of 0:59:15.840 --> 0:59:17.920 that when you were seeing that, when you were seeing 0:59:17.960 --> 0:59:21.959 those characteristics, in those those traits that she had. What 0:59:22.840 --> 0:59:25.960 how did you internalize it the traits when she was 0:59:26.000 --> 0:59:27.680 when she was coming at you, where she felt like 0:59:27.920 --> 0:59:30.120 she got this wall up, she wouldn't let you penetrate. 0:59:31.840 --> 0:59:35.240 She's not speaking about marriage early on, she's just like, hey, 0:59:35.240 --> 0:59:38.240 i'm chilling. You probably ain't thinking about marriage either, like 0:59:38.280 --> 0:59:39.760 you said, So you're like, this is good. 0:59:40.040 --> 0:59:41.400 You know what I'm saying. So I was just I 0:59:41.440 --> 0:59:43.600 would say, I was just going with the flow, but 0:59:43.800 --> 0:59:46.520 still being the best person I knew to be, because, 0:59:46.520 --> 0:59:49.440 like I said, I didn't know anything about marriage or 0:59:49.480 --> 0:59:51.720 how a husband was supposed to act to a wife, 0:59:52.000 --> 0:59:53.840 but I knew how I was supposed to act as 0:59:53.840 --> 0:59:55.840 a person. So I knew that I was going to 0:59:55.920 --> 0:59:58.440 treat her at the best way I knew how, and 0:59:58.480 --> 1:00:00.160 I did. I feel like I did that already in 1:00:00.200 --> 1:00:03.200 our friendship as a friend, Yeah, And I feel like 1:00:03.200 --> 1:00:06.200 it just intensified whenever we got together. It was like, oh, okay, 1:00:06.160 --> 1:00:08.520 so you I know I heard you talk about wanting 1:00:08.600 --> 1:00:10.840 this beforehand when you were going out on dates. Well, 1:00:10.840 --> 1:00:13.160 I am your your partner now, so I'm going to 1:00:13.240 --> 1:00:15.120 do these things that I heard you talk about last 1:00:15.120 --> 1:00:16.840 summer and last seme that's when we were in school. 1:00:17.040 --> 1:00:18.600 So I just picked up on the things that I 1:00:18.640 --> 1:00:20.440 heard her talk about that she would wanting a partner, 1:00:20.600 --> 1:00:22.640 and I just tackled. I did all of those things 1:00:22.640 --> 1:00:23.520 that she was asking for. 1:00:23.960 --> 1:00:24.880 I didn't scare you at all. 1:00:24.960 --> 1:00:25.160 Yeah. 1:00:25.160 --> 1:00:27.360 I was about saying that it didn't scare you when 1:00:27.360 --> 1:00:28.960 she started acting a certain way. 1:00:29.240 --> 1:00:32.240 You know why I don't because I think if it 1:00:32.240 --> 1:00:33.800 would have scared me, I never would have asked her 1:00:33.800 --> 1:00:35.720 in the first place to be with me, because I 1:00:36.200 --> 1:00:38.400 was I was already at a place where it's like, 1:00:38.440 --> 1:00:40.360 this is something I want and it's something I want 1:00:40.400 --> 1:00:41.960 to obtain, So I'm going to do this and whatever 1:00:42.040 --> 1:00:43.920 it takes to have her with me for the rest 1:00:43.920 --> 1:00:45.240 of my life, I'm willing to do that. 1:00:45.480 --> 1:00:50.160 Really, Yes, for sure, yea. 1:00:53.920 --> 1:00:57.280 Even with like helping her with She was trying to 1:00:57.280 --> 1:00:59.080 go to law school at first, and I'm like, well, 1:00:59.080 --> 1:01:00.680 you might as well go next year. So she got 1:01:00.680 --> 1:01:05.400 an apartment in Winston dating while we were dating, Like 1:01:05.640 --> 1:01:07.760 we got our bachelors. We got our bachelors the same year, 1:01:07.800 --> 1:01:10.640 but it was COVID, so she stayed in Georgia. I 1:01:10.680 --> 1:01:12.240 was in North Carolina, and I'm like, well, you want 1:01:12.280 --> 1:01:14.280 to get your masters, you want to go to wake 1:01:14.360 --> 1:01:16.200 for us, you might as well go ahead up there 1:01:16.200 --> 1:01:18.919 and go ahead move in. It was only two hours 1:01:18.920 --> 1:01:20.720 away from me, and she was four and a half 1:01:20.800 --> 1:01:23.440 hours away from me in George, Georgia. Yes, so then 1:01:23.480 --> 1:01:25.800 we spent a lot more time together. She would come 1:01:25.840 --> 1:01:28.440 down or I would go up and I think we 1:01:28.560 --> 1:01:31.240 kind of built a stronger connection then up until the 1:01:31.280 --> 1:01:34.320 point we got engaged, which is a day that she 1:01:34.400 --> 1:01:35.960 feels like she almost ruined anyway. 1:01:36.000 --> 1:01:39.960 But I'm gonna be honest, I don't know how like 1:01:40.280 --> 1:01:41.800 your patience, what. 1:01:41.840 --> 1:01:43.440 Happened happened, what happened on Engage. 1:01:44.320 --> 1:01:48.240 To make a long story short, I knew what I 1:01:48.280 --> 1:01:49.960 was going to do. I didn't know how to do it. 1:01:50.000 --> 1:01:53.280 As I've said before, I didn't know any drawn out 1:01:53.680 --> 1:01:55.880 like get a venue, whatever, the all the stuff. No, 1:01:56.000 --> 1:01:59.000 I just I did New Year's. My cousin has a 1:01:59.000 --> 1:02:02.120 New Year apart New Year's paraty every year. At this 1:02:02.240 --> 1:02:04.320 point in time, Haley really wasn't wanting to do anything 1:02:04.320 --> 1:02:06.080 for New Years. But I was like, you're really gonna 1:02:06.120 --> 1:02:08.200 have fun. You're gonna have fun, You're gonna love, You're 1:02:08.200 --> 1:02:11.080 gonna enjoy it. And she woke up the next day 1:02:11.160 --> 1:02:13.080 and was like, oh, we can't go because my clothes 1:02:13.120 --> 1:02:15.560 are in Winston. And I'm like, oh, okay, put some 1:02:15.560 --> 1:02:17.760 clothes on, let's go. Once is two hours away, so 1:02:17.800 --> 1:02:20.320 she's thinking, we drive the Winston two hours, we drive back, 1:02:20.360 --> 1:02:22.920 nobody's gonna want to go. We come back, so it's 1:02:22.960 --> 1:02:23.360 four hour. 1:02:23.360 --> 1:02:26.600 We spent on the road four hours just to. 1:02:26.520 --> 1:02:28.200 Get an outfit. And she's like, I'm tired. I want 1:02:28.200 --> 1:02:29.880 to take a nap. I let it take a nap. 1:02:32.480 --> 1:02:34.680 She gets up and she sees it, I'm getting ready. 1:02:34.680 --> 1:02:37.680 What are you doing? The party starts in like two hours. 1:02:38.000 --> 1:02:39.920 We went got them clothes, it's time to put them on. 1:02:40.600 --> 1:02:42.680 This whole time, she is like dreading it, like I 1:02:42.680 --> 1:02:44.400 don't want to go, Like I want to stay here. 1:02:44.400 --> 1:02:46.720 Why can't we just spend it here together? And whenever 1:02:46.760 --> 1:02:48.800 she saw me down on one knee at twelve o'clock, 1:02:48.840 --> 1:02:51.240 she just started bawling because all she could think about 1:02:51.280 --> 1:02:54.080 was how well she says is I don't I didn't 1:02:54.120 --> 1:02:55.840 really take it take offense to it because I knew 1:02:55.840 --> 1:02:57.680 what I was gonna do that night. But she just 1:02:57.680 --> 1:03:00.080 felt bad because of how she was that then. I 1:03:00.080 --> 1:03:01.400 I was just like, I know you're gonna have fun. 1:03:01.840 --> 1:03:03.400 Like every time she said something, I was like, you're 1:03:03.400 --> 1:03:04.840 gonna enjoy it. I feel like. 1:03:06.440 --> 1:03:10.400 I know this man really loved me because I was mean, 1:03:10.960 --> 1:03:13.400 that was a great that was a great version. I 1:03:13.560 --> 1:03:18.560 was mean, I know I was I did not want 1:03:18.600 --> 1:03:21.040 to I said no, it was to the point to 1:03:21.040 --> 1:03:22.480 where he was like, we're gonna have a good We're 1:03:22.480 --> 1:03:23.800 gonna have a good time. I said, I bet you 1:03:23.880 --> 1:03:24.200 I won't. 1:03:24.840 --> 1:03:27.800 She definitely said that because I'm I'm at home, but. 1:03:27.840 --> 1:03:29.880 I'm let me say at the house, I don't want 1:03:29.920 --> 1:03:31.240 you go you have fun. I'm stay here. 1:03:31.240 --> 1:03:32.160 I don't want to be around you. 1:03:32.880 --> 1:03:34.520 I bet you one hundred dollars. 1:03:34.440 --> 1:03:36.720 He said, I'm not going to enjoy myself. I don't 1:03:36.760 --> 1:03:41.480 want to told you to the party without you. So 1:03:41.480 --> 1:03:43.160 so you the type if you say I don't want 1:03:43.200 --> 1:03:45.080 to go, you don't try to handcuff. 1:03:44.760 --> 1:03:46.439 Him and staying, do you. 1:03:46.520 --> 1:03:49.640 Because he's an extrovert in the relationship, I am like, 1:03:49.760 --> 1:03:51.640 I'm okay with being at the house, but I also 1:03:51.640 --> 1:03:54.480 don't feel like I trust you, and I wouldn't be 1:03:54.520 --> 1:03:55.920 in a relationship with you if I don't trust you. 1:03:56.200 --> 1:03:59.200 So go have fun. But you're also not in questionable environments, 1:03:59.200 --> 1:04:01.640 like you don't put yourself positions to make me question you. 1:04:01.680 --> 1:04:04.520 And he's very transparent before things happen. He's like, we 1:04:04.600 --> 1:04:06.440 have a conversations, so go have fun. I'm here, I'm 1:04:06.520 --> 1:04:08.680 be sleep probably or watch it or watching something that 1:04:08.720 --> 1:04:11.000 you don't want to watch with me, but I'm gonna 1:04:11.000 --> 1:04:11.680 have a good time. 1:04:12.040 --> 1:04:14.560 You said something powerful. You say he doesn't put himself 1:04:14.560 --> 1:04:15.920 in questionable environment. 1:04:16.040 --> 1:04:18.000 That's good, Yes, And I was gonna say that. I 1:04:18.000 --> 1:04:20.680 don't even like After we got together, I stopped going out. 1:04:20.840 --> 1:04:23.520 I didn't go out to clubs or bars anymore with 1:04:23.520 --> 1:04:25.640 my friends. I just kind of stayed back behind because 1:04:25.680 --> 1:04:29.440 I felt like people are going out to try to 1:04:29.480 --> 1:04:31.840 get the different girls and mingle and do stuff. And 1:04:31.840 --> 1:04:34.040 why am I paying money to go watch a friend 1:04:34.280 --> 1:04:36.440 try to mingle with a girl like that. That just 1:04:36.480 --> 1:04:39.560 does not make sense. And I don't drink, never have drunk, 1:04:39.640 --> 1:04:41.520 So you can't even say a thing of like social 1:04:41.600 --> 1:04:43.360 drinking because I don't do it. And I can see 1:04:43.360 --> 1:04:44.680 if it was a thing where I did drink, but 1:04:44.720 --> 1:04:48.000 I don't. So it's like, what am I. I'm gonna 1:04:48.000 --> 1:04:49.880 stay at home with the person I'm with. I don't 1:04:49.920 --> 1:04:52.040 have to watch y'all do this tell me about it afterwards. 1:04:54.320 --> 1:04:58.160 Yeah, So did y'all feel like y'all are missing anything? 1:04:58.800 --> 1:05:02.000 Now I've been in a relationship, I feel like I'm 1:05:02.040 --> 1:05:04.600 glad we got a relationship when we did, because hearing 1:05:04.640 --> 1:05:08.200 stories about our friends when they're out and this girl dad, 1:05:08.240 --> 1:05:09.800 and then they find out the girl was and who 1:05:09.800 --> 1:05:11.400 they thought she was. But you met her at this 1:05:11.400 --> 1:05:14.080 club at two am. Obviously she's not gonna be who 1:05:14.120 --> 1:05:20.560 you met at two am. So it's like, obviously, I. 1:05:20.480 --> 1:05:22.200 Do think a lot of people trying to paint this 1:05:22.240 --> 1:05:25.320 picture that like if you're getting a committed relationship young 1:05:25.400 --> 1:05:28.080 and you getting married young, like you're gonna get to 1:05:28.120 --> 1:05:30.240 this place where you feel like you just missed out 1:05:30.240 --> 1:05:31.920 on all these options and all this that and the 1:05:31.920 --> 1:05:34.120 third and I'm like, y'all like. 1:05:34.200 --> 1:05:39.040 That struggle, like like there's a lot of uncertainty when 1:05:39.040 --> 1:05:39.440 it comes. 1:05:39.480 --> 1:05:42.400 I gotta guess how this person feels. People don't know 1:05:42.440 --> 1:05:45.560 how to say it, like I got It's just a 1:05:45.560 --> 1:05:47.000 lot of back and forth, like are we gonna be 1:05:47.000 --> 1:05:50.280 committed all we night? Like I'm gonna be real. I 1:05:50.320 --> 1:05:53.919 like stability, and people look, people be like, oh that's boring. 1:05:53.960 --> 1:05:55.760 They get to a place where they realize it's just boring. 1:05:55.840 --> 1:05:59.800 Give me boring, give me we rubbing our feet together 1:06:00.240 --> 1:06:02.840 our anime episode. I don't won't. 1:06:03.400 --> 1:06:05.520 And I'll say social media has messed up a lot 1:06:05.520 --> 1:06:07.640 more than we're willing to accept because I have a 1:06:07.640 --> 1:06:10.480 lot of friends who grew up in two parent households, 1:06:10.600 --> 1:06:16.040 parents together for forty fifty years, and they use examples 1:06:16.120 --> 1:06:19.960 of celebrities who have been in relationships and it didn't 1:06:19.960 --> 1:06:21.720 work out. And I'm like, why not look at your home, 1:06:22.880 --> 1:06:26.400 that part your mom and daddy's still together. Why are 1:06:26.400 --> 1:06:29.040 we looking at this man? First off, he got tens 1:06:29.040 --> 1:06:33.080 of twenties and fifties and millions of dollars. You don't. 1:06:34.480 --> 1:06:36.320 Why are you comparing yourself to man? 1:06:37.680 --> 1:06:39.600 We got to stop doing that. Social media has messed 1:06:39.680 --> 1:06:42.160 up a lot of people's perceptional reality, and I just 1:06:42.240 --> 1:06:45.360 hate it because I would I did not grow up 1:06:45.360 --> 1:06:47.600 with a two parent household, and I feel like I'm 1:06:47.640 --> 1:06:50.160 searching this and I'm trying to make sure that my 1:06:50.400 --> 1:06:52.480 kid grows up in a two parent household and it 1:06:52.520 --> 1:06:54.480 stays that way, and she sees and if we have 1:06:54.520 --> 1:06:56.920 a son or another daughter, they see what it's like 1:06:57.280 --> 1:06:59.680 to have a healthy two parent household. And I have 1:06:59.760 --> 1:07:03.960 friends who have that and they are chasing something totally different. 1:07:05.280 --> 1:07:07.280 But they will say but they will say they're looking 1:07:07.280 --> 1:07:09.080 for their wife, and I'm like, no, you're not. 1:07:12.560 --> 1:07:15.240 And that's so good about social media because it does 1:07:15.320 --> 1:07:19.760 present like this illusion of options, and so people feel like, 1:07:20.080 --> 1:07:23.680 why would I work hard here because I can just 1:07:23.920 --> 1:07:27.080 respond back to this person who is in my d MS. 1:07:27.880 --> 1:07:32.200 But the truth is that whatever you whenever you plan 1:07:32.280 --> 1:07:34.760 a seed, then you have to give it time. There 1:07:34.800 --> 1:07:38.000 will be a harvest. So wherever your time is spent, 1:07:38.160 --> 1:07:41.680 you're going to reap a harvest there. And you know 1:07:41.880 --> 1:07:44.320 it's not always easy. Like he's trying to plant the 1:07:44.360 --> 1:07:47.360 tree in our front yard right now and it keeps falling. 1:07:47.120 --> 1:07:50.880 Down because I haven't said that to them. You got 1:07:50.880 --> 1:07:51.560 to reap the harvest. 1:07:52.840 --> 1:07:54.760 The harvest it takes time. 1:07:54.960 --> 1:07:58.000 Like this tree is going to it's going to grow, 1:07:58.120 --> 1:08:00.480 but right now it's just a little shape. 1:08:00.480 --> 1:08:01.560 Okay, So this is a tree. 1:08:01.600 --> 1:08:04.680 It's a tree that my gardener playing in the yard 1:08:05.120 --> 1:08:08.600 and he didn't anchor it down well. And so it's 1:08:08.640 --> 1:08:11.040 been there for about two years. And the tree that 1:08:11.120 --> 1:08:13.880 was planning at the same time it's flourishing, it's growing. 1:08:14.120 --> 1:08:17.559 This other tree hasn't. It's probably half the size of 1:08:17.600 --> 1:08:19.200 the it's a cypress, it's an. 1:08:19.120 --> 1:08:21.920 Italian cypress, and it's leaning. It was leaning over. 1:08:22.200 --> 1:08:26.320 So yesterday I went exactly but it was leaning all 1:08:26.360 --> 1:08:29.080 the way over. So I went and got some steaks. 1:08:29.360 --> 1:08:32.360 I put in the ground and then it rained. And 1:08:32.720 --> 1:08:35.040 when it rained, because I put it where I have 1:08:35.160 --> 1:08:37.679 the flowers at where where it rained, the soil broke 1:08:37.800 --> 1:08:40.439 loose and the tree was leaning again broke loose. So 1:08:40.479 --> 1:08:42.880 then right before we came today. 1:08:43.360 --> 1:08:45.559 I put it. Well last night, I stuck it. 1:08:45.439 --> 1:08:48.120 In the harder part of the ground, and then it 1:08:48.280 --> 1:08:50.760 rained again and the wind, the wind blew it real 1:08:50.840 --> 1:08:51.880 hard and it broke. 1:08:51.640 --> 1:08:53.960 The little the little cable. It's a good lord. So 1:08:54.000 --> 1:08:56.120 I went back tied it back down to leave. 1:08:56.720 --> 1:08:59.120 Uh. And she's using a great example because what she 1:08:59.240 --> 1:09:01.519 is saying is that oftentimes, if you're spending all your 1:09:01.520 --> 1:09:04.320 time planting your seeds at the club, planting your seeds 1:09:04.320 --> 1:09:07.679 at the bars, planting your seeds online on dating apps, 1:09:07.720 --> 1:09:10.439 just running through different women, running through different men, then 1:09:10.479 --> 1:09:11.759 that's where you're gonna reap your harvest. 1:09:11.960 --> 1:09:13.040 But if you get in the. 1:09:12.960 --> 1:09:15.280 Mindset of saying, no, I want to build a foundation 1:09:15.400 --> 1:09:18.920 in something solid, then you get those same toxic people 1:09:18.960 --> 1:09:22.040 criticizing what y'all have, saying y'all got married to young 1:09:22.240 --> 1:09:24.800 and you like, how well, I mean, because you don't 1:09:24.800 --> 1:09:26.920 really know yourself yet and he don't really know hisself. 1:09:26.920 --> 1:09:28.400 What if y'all wake up one day and say, y'all 1:09:28.400 --> 1:09:29.639 want to be with each other no more? 1:09:29.800 --> 1:09:31.240 But what if that day never comes? 1:09:31.640 --> 1:09:34.519 That option is an option of that day never comes 1:09:34.880 --> 1:09:36.920 one of the most powerful things. And I couldn't write 1:09:36.960 --> 1:09:40.439 this if I wanted to. My nephew came to me. 1:09:40.960 --> 1:09:44.160 And what came to Ashley when we spent Christmas together 1:09:44.280 --> 1:09:45.439 the first time meeting her? 1:09:46.840 --> 1:09:49.479 What did they say to you? What did Deonta say 1:09:49.479 --> 1:09:50.439 to you on Christmas? 1:09:51.840 --> 1:09:53.160 That you looked calm? 1:09:53.680 --> 1:09:58.439 He said, I've never seen my uncle this calm and settled. 1:09:58.960 --> 1:10:01.760 And I said, I said, why do you say that? 1:10:02.040 --> 1:10:04.280 He said, because normally, like when we're spending Christmas or 1:10:04.280 --> 1:10:06.920 Thanksgiving at your house, you run around, you doing all this. 1:10:07.240 --> 1:10:09.880 He said, Now you just you just chilling. 1:10:10.680 --> 1:10:13.760 People will never know what that meant because they're not 1:10:14.120 --> 1:10:17.000 a part of my personal life. But in my vows, 1:10:17.080 --> 1:10:19.679 I said, I feel settled without settling. 1:10:20.400 --> 1:10:21.559 I said that in my vows. 1:10:21.600 --> 1:10:24.040 And many people may have seen it online and be like, Okay, 1:10:24.080 --> 1:10:25.479 that sound cool, or what are you trying to say that? 1:10:25.560 --> 1:10:26.880 He settled? What are you trying? You know? 1:10:26.920 --> 1:10:30.719 They have toxified comment, but my family validated the fact 1:10:30.760 --> 1:10:35.439 that my spirit is settled. I feel so at I 1:10:35.520 --> 1:10:38.040 wake up sometimes and I'd be like, this is my life. 1:10:38.320 --> 1:10:40.680 I tell her, I said, I feel so I. 1:10:40.640 --> 1:10:44.200 Feel chilled, like obstacles can come our way. And I'd 1:10:44.200 --> 1:10:45.479 be like, ain't no big deal. 1:10:45.600 --> 1:10:46.120 We got it. 1:10:46.200 --> 1:10:50.600 I don't care what happens in life. I feel in 1:10:50.680 --> 1:10:54.160 my soul. I got my partner, my teammate, and I'd 1:10:54.160 --> 1:10:55.240 be like, we're good. 1:10:55.920 --> 1:10:56.400 We're good. 1:10:56.800 --> 1:10:59.559 And that's what I want more men to get a 1:10:59.640 --> 1:11:05.520 chance to experience that you're no longer wondering and wondering. 1:11:06.040 --> 1:11:09.080 You're wondering who your spouse is, or wondering who this 1:11:09.120 --> 1:11:11.200 person is, or even if you're not even in marriage, 1:11:11.240 --> 1:11:13.320 mind that you just wondering who's the next woman you're 1:11:13.320 --> 1:11:17.080 gonna lay with? Basically, and you find yourself wandering through 1:11:17.080 --> 1:11:21.120 the wilderness. God has a promised land for you if 1:11:21.160 --> 1:11:23.800 you sell your spirit enough and say, God, who is 1:11:23.840 --> 1:11:24.600 it that you have in the. 1:11:24.600 --> 1:11:26.240 Store for me? I value marriage. 1:11:26.360 --> 1:11:28.920 I'm not going to toxify marriage by thinking, well, what 1:11:29.040 --> 1:11:31.920 if I'm married. I ask people this question all the time, 1:11:32.560 --> 1:11:33.599 would you like to get married? 1:11:33.600 --> 1:11:33.960 One day? 1:11:34.160 --> 1:11:37.200 I mean, if it's the right person, that's the obvious. 1:11:40.880 --> 1:11:42.519 I mean, if it's the right I ain't trying to 1:11:42.560 --> 1:11:44.439 get married to the wrong person. I said, do you 1:11:44.439 --> 1:11:45.920 want to get would you like to get married one day? 1:11:46.360 --> 1:11:49.880 And they'll come with the negative fear, not if it's 1:11:49.920 --> 1:11:50.599 the wrong person. 1:11:50.720 --> 1:11:52.759 I didn't ask you that. 1:11:52.760 --> 1:11:55.760 That's so much trauma, because what is speaking is your 1:11:55.800 --> 1:11:58.960 trauma is whatever that last situation that didn't work out. 1:11:59.400 --> 1:12:02.839 Your speak to that instead of getting ready for your future. 1:12:03.760 --> 1:12:06.320 I did a this was I think twenty twenty one. 1:12:06.640 --> 1:12:08.879 I posted on my story one of those little questions 1:12:09.240 --> 1:12:13.200 and I said, what is your standpoint on submission? Would 1:12:13.240 --> 1:12:20.240 you ever submit the number of people? Verbatim said, And 1:12:20.400 --> 1:12:22.160 I don't know if this was like popular on social 1:12:22.160 --> 1:12:25.120 media at the time, but why would I do that? 1:12:25.160 --> 1:12:29.479 He would lead me to hell, I said, and like 1:12:29.760 --> 1:12:34.000 the number of I'm so serious. I would shock because 1:12:34.000 --> 1:12:35.840 I'm looking at them. I'm like, I started, I start 1:12:35.880 --> 1:12:38.800 talking to one person because the other people were like, 1:12:38.880 --> 1:12:41.800 that's basically slavery. But there was this one person that 1:12:41.840 --> 1:12:45.599 said that she was actively in a relationship. So I said, okay, 1:12:45.720 --> 1:12:47.920 my question is why would you choose to be with 1:12:47.960 --> 1:12:50.200 somebody that you feel like is going to lead you 1:12:50.280 --> 1:12:54.599 to right if you submitted, because that is a cuss word. 1:12:54.640 --> 1:12:56.719 It is something that like you don't do. But people 1:12:56.800 --> 1:13:01.679 immediately went to the like negative side, and I'm like, okay, 1:13:01.800 --> 1:13:04.280 I think there is a misunderstanding which I was on 1:13:04.320 --> 1:13:06.040 the other side at one point once upon a time, 1:13:06.400 --> 1:13:09.280 of what submission looks like. But I was also that 1:13:09.479 --> 1:13:11.600 was that was during the shift of me starting to 1:13:11.680 --> 1:13:13.600 value like, oh yeah, I would think I want to 1:13:13.600 --> 1:13:15.720 be a wife. So I'm having these conversations more and 1:13:15.760 --> 1:13:18.519 I realized, like there's very much a distorted view of 1:13:19.040 --> 1:13:22.200 what marriage is, what submission is, what leading is. And 1:13:22.240 --> 1:13:24.280 I'm like, it's kind of sad, but you know. 1:13:24.400 --> 1:13:29.120 The crazy part is is that submission literally is to 1:13:29.240 --> 1:13:34.320 come under the mission or the vision. So it's interesting that, 1:13:34.439 --> 1:13:37.080 like I feel like pop culture has made it mean 1:13:37.200 --> 1:13:40.200 something that it doesn't. It just means, like, what is 1:13:40.240 --> 1:13:44.400 the mission? When you guys get together, what is the mission? 1:13:44.760 --> 1:13:46.600 And everybody. It's funny to me because you can go 1:13:46.640 --> 1:13:51.400 to school for twenty years and all these objectives or 1:13:51.479 --> 1:13:54.519 course or silibate, you can like follow everything that your 1:13:54.560 --> 1:13:57.640 professor is asking, but the moment, it's like, okay, for 1:13:57.760 --> 1:14:01.200 our household, these are our mission. Now you don't want 1:14:01.240 --> 1:14:04.519 to submit to that, which is really just saying, hey, 1:14:04.680 --> 1:14:06.800 I'm on the team and I want to do my part, 1:14:07.120 --> 1:14:10.000 but you are the person who ultimately and this is 1:14:10.000 --> 1:14:11.840 what I don't get and I'm gonna be off my 1:14:11.920 --> 1:14:15.400 high horse. But like, this is great for women because 1:14:15.439 --> 1:14:19.160 now you take the pressure God gives to you. He 1:14:19.200 --> 1:14:25.920 puts that right here on your shoulders. Don't no, but 1:14:26.040 --> 1:14:28.040 just to my ladies, it's like, now we get to 1:14:28.040 --> 1:14:30.120 be like, okay, cool. 1:14:30.080 --> 1:14:32.000 You got it, you know, and I do. 1:14:32.080 --> 1:14:33.320 Okay. I want to say one more thing. We just 1:14:33.360 --> 1:14:36.640 went to my family reunion. My cousin said to me, 1:14:36.720 --> 1:14:40.520 my older cousin, my mom's first cousin, She said, I 1:14:40.560 --> 1:14:44.200 love this version of you because she was at our wedding. 1:14:44.439 --> 1:14:46.720 But people haven't. My family hasn't gotten to see me 1:14:46.880 --> 1:14:50.240 interact with him outside of that. And they said, you 1:14:50.360 --> 1:14:55.040 just feel so light, you feel so soft, and so 1:14:55.080 --> 1:14:58.120 that's what I just for me. It made my heart 1:14:58.200 --> 1:15:01.240 smile because I said to myself, if I said, this 1:15:01.320 --> 1:15:05.719 is what resting and femininity looks like, and the sooner 1:15:05.760 --> 1:15:07.880 week because I grew up with a single momb So 1:15:08.000 --> 1:15:10.760 I know, you know, running a business, I know how 1:15:10.760 --> 1:15:14.160 to fight, I N D E, P E and D 1:15:14.520 --> 1:15:15.200 E and T. 1:15:15.560 --> 1:15:16.920 Do you know what that means? 1:15:17.400 --> 1:15:20.880 You know all of that? Like I got that, but 1:15:21.040 --> 1:15:24.439 like to be able to be like this man has 1:15:24.560 --> 1:15:28.639 me yes is a beautiful thing. So I just want 1:15:28.680 --> 1:15:32.120 to come against all the naysayers with the submission because 1:15:32.160 --> 1:15:33.680 it's actually a beautiful thing. 1:15:34.040 --> 1:15:35.040 It is. 1:15:35.360 --> 1:15:40.519 Let's jump into this. It was a moment in y'all's marriage. 1:15:40.640 --> 1:15:42.400 If I were to asked, y'all, what was the hardest 1:15:42.400 --> 1:15:43.160 thing y'all had to. 1:15:43.120 --> 1:15:44.920 Deal with in your marriage? What would that be? 1:15:46.360 --> 1:15:50.839 Oh O, in our marriage? In our marriage? 1:15:51.680 --> 1:15:54.720 Well, okay, I would probably say for me, it was 1:15:54.760 --> 1:16:00.240 when we lost the baby. Yes, It's like during that time, 1:16:01.720 --> 1:16:04.800 I was like like he was doing everything for me. 1:16:05.120 --> 1:16:10.960 I was so in such a dark place, and I remember, like, 1:16:12.560 --> 1:16:16.360 grief is a weird thing when you're not angry at God. 1:16:17.200 --> 1:16:19.000 And I think a lot of people expect you to 1:16:19.000 --> 1:16:21.000 be angry at God when things happen, and I think 1:16:21.040 --> 1:16:22.760 it would have been easier to deal with it if 1:16:22.800 --> 1:16:28.240 I was angry. But it's like I can understand, well, okay, 1:16:29.240 --> 1:16:32.120 before we lost the baby. It's like a Friday. I'm 1:16:32.200 --> 1:16:35.120 driving and we had a doctor's appointment that day, and 1:16:35.400 --> 1:16:38.439 on my way to go to one of his basketball games. 1:16:39.439 --> 1:16:41.760 I'm just talking to God like we've just been having conversations, 1:16:41.800 --> 1:16:44.320 and the Holy Spirit lays on my heart to pray. 1:16:44.760 --> 1:16:47.960 So I start praying. And as I'm praying, like the 1:16:48.000 --> 1:16:52.200 Holy Spirit lays on my heart to pray, God, you 1:16:52.200 --> 1:16:54.280 are still good even if I never meet my baby. 1:16:54.479 --> 1:16:57.080 Oh my God, and I start calling. 1:16:57.120 --> 1:17:00.360 I start crying. I'm crying. I'm crying, but I just 1:17:00.439 --> 1:17:02.760 keep saying it. I'm like, God, you were still good 1:17:02.800 --> 1:17:04.439 even if I never meet my baby. And I'm like, 1:17:04.479 --> 1:17:08.759 why am I saying this? So get to the school, 1:17:09.479 --> 1:17:11.519 go to the basketball game. I never tell money about this. 1:17:11.840 --> 1:17:14.760 We had a marriage retreat that we can did that 1:17:15.439 --> 1:17:20.800 Monday rolls around and I'm in so much pain. Later 1:17:20.880 --> 1:17:22.519 on that night, there was a look. 1:17:22.600 --> 1:17:23.200 There was blood. 1:17:23.200 --> 1:17:25.840 It was a lot. So call a friend. She says, 1:17:25.840 --> 1:17:28.920 wait till in the morning. See what happens. Next morning, 1:17:29.040 --> 1:17:32.760 same situation. We go to the hospital. I get told 1:17:32.840 --> 1:17:35.719 that we need to be rolled back for emergency surgery 1:17:37.400 --> 1:17:41.040 and that it was an ex topic pregnancy. So in 1:17:41.080 --> 1:17:43.800 that moment, like I forgot about the prayer, but like 1:17:43.880 --> 1:17:49.200 we're just praying. Money is just holding me, and I 1:17:49.240 --> 1:17:52.719 remember when I woke up that night, like we get home, 1:17:52.800 --> 1:17:54.840 we get past all that, and it's like really hitting me, 1:17:54.960 --> 1:17:56.799 like we don't have the we don't have the baby anymore. 1:17:57.840 --> 1:18:01.519 And God reminds me of what I just like four 1:18:01.600 --> 1:18:07.080 days before, and it really hits me that, like God 1:18:07.160 --> 1:18:10.200 will keep you he I mean, and he was preparing 1:18:10.240 --> 1:18:13.840 my heart for it. So though like I'm not mad 1:18:13.880 --> 1:18:16.920 at God, I still have this grief, I still have 1:18:17.000 --> 1:18:19.400 this loss. I still miss this person I never met, 1:18:19.640 --> 1:18:21.519 and I'm like, oh my God. So I'm trying to 1:18:21.560 --> 1:18:23.080 figure out what to do with the end of that process. 1:18:23.120 --> 1:18:24.760 I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to 1:18:24.800 --> 1:18:27.320 go anywhere, and I remember I'm praying every single day. 1:18:27.439 --> 1:18:30.240 Was I remember waking up to like Money praying over me, 1:18:30.960 --> 1:18:35.880 and I'm like, Okay, God, I'm grateful for who you 1:18:35.960 --> 1:18:38.920 are and you are still good and I still trust you, 1:18:39.080 --> 1:18:41.320 and even if I never know why, you are still 1:18:41.400 --> 1:18:45.280 good God. But this hurts. This hurts so bad, and 1:18:45.320 --> 1:18:48.960 I need somewhere to put this because I can't Oh 1:18:49.000 --> 1:18:52.320 my goodness. And I just felt like I'm in bed 1:18:52.400 --> 1:18:54.439 and he's going to go to work, and then he's 1:18:54.439 --> 1:18:56.200 coming back and he's finding me in the same place. 1:18:56.280 --> 1:18:57.680 He's getting me out of bed, and he's taking me 1:18:57.720 --> 1:19:00.160 to the bathroom to brush my teeth. He's put me 1:19:00.160 --> 1:19:03.120 in the shower to take a shower, like he's doing 1:19:03.160 --> 1:19:06.200 all of these things, and I'm like, you know what, God, 1:19:06.680 --> 1:19:09.320 I'm so grateful that even I don't know what to 1:19:09.360 --> 1:19:10.880 do with this, and I know he doesn't know what 1:19:10.960 --> 1:19:14.160 to do with this either, but he's still carrying me 1:19:14.960 --> 1:19:17.360 and like, you gave me this person, and I'm so 1:19:17.520 --> 1:19:20.880 grateful for that. But there was also like after I 1:19:20.920 --> 1:19:22.400 finally came out of that, there was a lot of 1:19:22.439 --> 1:19:25.160 guilt that hit me because I'm like, did you have 1:19:25.240 --> 1:19:29.200 time to grief? Like the whole time for a good minute. 1:19:29.400 --> 1:19:31.760 I'm like, you just were doing everything I need, but 1:19:31.840 --> 1:19:34.839 I wasn't even checking on you. I wasn't really focused 1:19:34.880 --> 1:19:36.600 on you. And I think what was hard for me 1:19:36.720 --> 1:19:39.960 is not just the grief, but also realizing like I 1:19:40.000 --> 1:19:43.800 feel like I left him alone and I'm asking him 1:19:44.360 --> 1:19:46.760 now like after the fact that he's like he's like 1:19:47.360 --> 1:19:50.800 he was hurting, but he's like, I understood that this 1:19:50.960 --> 1:19:53.519 happened to you, like this happened with us, but this 1:19:53.600 --> 1:19:56.920 happened to you. And that was just a hard Like 1:19:57.400 --> 1:19:58.640 that was just a hard thing. I don't think I 1:19:58.640 --> 1:20:01.880 stopped feeling guilty about that or a little a good 1:20:01.880 --> 1:20:05.720 little minute and be honest, but that even though it 1:20:05.760 --> 1:20:08.160 was the hardest thing that we had ever experienced, I 1:20:08.200 --> 1:20:11.040 think it was also something that like it just made 1:20:11.040 --> 1:20:14.040 me realize, like, this is my person, this is my person. 1:20:14.200 --> 1:20:17.000 Because after that, we were getting people that was like 1:20:17.439 --> 1:20:20.000 my husband just was like treated like it was an 1:20:20.080 --> 1:20:22.280 everyday thing because so many women have gone through so 1:20:22.360 --> 1:20:25.120 it's not that deep. Like at least it wasn't like 1:20:25.240 --> 1:20:29.120 after she got here, after he got here, and I'm like, 1:20:29.200 --> 1:20:32.640 oh my god. And it made me that much more grateful. 1:20:32.920 --> 1:20:35.479 And I'm not saying that like it's a good thing 1:20:35.520 --> 1:20:37.439 we went through something like that, but I am saying 1:20:37.520 --> 1:20:40.080 that though it was the hardest thing, it is also 1:20:40.160 --> 1:20:44.400 something that further solidified like this is my purpose part 1:20:44.439 --> 1:20:47.160 and this is my person. And that was that was 1:20:47.200 --> 1:20:50.320 so disrespected, that was so disrespectfully difficult. I'm not gonna lie, 1:20:50.560 --> 1:20:52.720 how did you know what she needed. How did you 1:20:52.800 --> 1:20:55.240 know how to support her during that time? 1:20:55.400 --> 1:20:56.439 And so before you answer. 1:20:56.280 --> 1:20:58.120 That, I just want to give that scripture because you 1:20:58.160 --> 1:21:01.280 said it's not a good thing that happened, but it 1:21:01.320 --> 1:21:04.680 was something that happened. And the scripture says, for I know, 1:21:04.880 --> 1:21:07.519 all things work together for the good of them that 1:21:07.680 --> 1:21:10.320 loved God into the called according to his purpose. And 1:21:10.360 --> 1:21:13.120 so that's so powerful because it doesn't say that everything 1:21:13.800 --> 1:21:15.960 is going to be good that happens, but it's gonna 1:21:16.000 --> 1:21:18.000 work out for your good. So I just wanted to 1:21:18.000 --> 1:21:20.519 put that scripture in there and go ahead. 1:21:20.840 --> 1:21:23.720 And I will say I think around that time I 1:21:23.760 --> 1:21:27.040 had dealt with so much grief or loss at that 1:21:27.080 --> 1:21:30.600 point in time that I don't want to say I 1:21:30.680 --> 1:21:31.840 was just all the way numb to it, because I 1:21:31.880 --> 1:21:34.639 did feel a way because this was our first kid, 1:21:35.240 --> 1:21:37.720 and we did lose this like like she said, we 1:21:37.760 --> 1:21:40.760 lost this child, but this happened to her, like they 1:21:40.800 --> 1:21:43.840 had to go in and cut her tube open, and 1:21:43.880 --> 1:21:47.400 like she the whole process was just crazy, just cutting 1:21:47.400 --> 1:21:50.320 her tube open and then us realizing that they or 1:21:50.360 --> 1:21:52.240 they didn't just cut a part of her too, but 1:21:52.520 --> 1:21:55.280 they cut her whole right tube like and nobody told 1:21:55.320 --> 1:21:57.360 us that until last. 1:21:57.240 --> 1:22:02.639 Year or afterwards, that my entire right tube had been 1:22:02.680 --> 1:22:05.360 completely removed. And that's why it was so difficult for 1:22:05.479 --> 1:22:08.000 us to get pregnant, because we were told at the time, 1:22:08.680 --> 1:22:11.000 both before the surgery that it would only be a 1:22:11.040 --> 1:22:13.080 portion and then my six week postop that it was 1:22:13.120 --> 1:22:15.760 just a portion that was removed. The pregnant and getting 1:22:15.760 --> 1:22:19.479 pregnant shouldn't be an issue, and it was a whole thing. 1:22:19.600 --> 1:22:21.680 And I found out a year later because I was 1:22:21.720 --> 1:22:26.519 in excruciating pain. I went to my OB and she 1:22:26.720 --> 1:22:29.840 was like she She's like, are you guys trying Are 1:22:29.880 --> 1:22:31.599 you on birthnay? Ch'all said, no, we're trying to get pregnant. 1:22:31.720 --> 1:22:34.200 And she just says it must be frustrated trying to 1:22:34.200 --> 1:22:37.280 get pregnant with only one operating ovary. Wow, And like 1:22:37.560 --> 1:22:39.320 you know why she up and now And I was like, 1:22:39.360 --> 1:22:40.479 hold on, what did you just say? 1:22:40.720 --> 1:22:41.320 Wow? 1:22:41.439 --> 1:22:43.840 And like the nurse left the room and she looked 1:22:43.880 --> 1:22:46.760 up and she was like, you know, you only have 1:22:46.920 --> 1:22:50.120 like one that you're you're really able to use. And 1:22:50.120 --> 1:22:52.760 I said, what are you talking about? And she leaves 1:22:52.800 --> 1:22:56.240 the room. She comes back, she informs me that the 1:22:56.280 --> 1:22:59.720 person who did our my procedure had been fired that 1:22:59.880 --> 1:23:05.880 year year for like discrepancies with patients, issues with his surgeries, 1:23:06.000 --> 1:23:08.439 the way that he logged stuff, et cetera. But I 1:23:08.479 --> 1:23:10.840 told her, like verbatim, this is what I was told. 1:23:11.320 --> 1:23:14.360 And then I said, I leave room for misunderstanding because 1:23:14.360 --> 1:23:16.120 I was going through grief. And then at one point, 1:23:16.240 --> 1:23:17.519 like I was on, they all had me on a 1:23:17.560 --> 1:23:20.360 bunch of different drugs. But then I didn't call I 1:23:20.360 --> 1:23:22.160 didn't tell money what happened. I didn't tell my mom 1:23:22.160 --> 1:23:24.080 what happened. But I called them and I asked them 1:23:24.360 --> 1:23:27.240 because they were both there. I said, what happened when 1:23:27.800 --> 1:23:30.160 I had my extopic pregnancy went through surgery? Can you 1:23:30.200 --> 1:23:32.320 tell me what the doctor said? Can you tell me 1:23:32.360 --> 1:23:34.800 what they said? Six weeks later in post off? And 1:23:34.840 --> 1:23:38.439 it was the same thing verbatim, so my obi had 1:23:38.680 --> 1:23:41.040 She basically told me. She said, since you don't have 1:23:41.360 --> 1:23:44.439 your right to you're dependent upon your left so when 1:23:44.479 --> 1:23:47.240 you're right, when eggs drop from your right side, they 1:23:47.280 --> 1:23:51.200 don't have anywhere to travel. Yeah, but the way that 1:23:51.240 --> 1:23:52.600 God works is so crazy. 1:23:52.439 --> 1:23:55.639 Where you say that, Okay, I was gonna say sorry 1:23:55.680 --> 1:23:57.559 before she said that, I was gonna say, in dealing 1:23:57.600 --> 1:24:00.679 with a lot of loss, I know how it felt 1:24:00.760 --> 1:24:03.519 to be even surrounded by a lot of people but 1:24:03.600 --> 1:24:06.360 still feel alone, like you have no help, nobody's there 1:24:06.400 --> 1:24:09.599 for you, or nobody's actually there to help you with anything. 1:24:09.640 --> 1:24:12.360 So even though we sleeping in the same bed every night, 1:24:12.600 --> 1:24:14.679 or we're at the same house or whatever, I still 1:24:14.720 --> 1:24:17.160 wanted her to feel like she had somebody there helping 1:24:17.200 --> 1:24:19.639 her out so that she didn't have to tackle everything. 1:24:19.720 --> 1:24:22.400 I'm gonna clean the house, I'm I'm taking care of dinner. 1:24:22.479 --> 1:24:24.720 I'm making sure I'm going out and getting stuff for us. 1:24:24.840 --> 1:24:26.360 Like she said she would be in bed all day. No, 1:24:26.439 --> 1:24:28.280 let me get you up. We need to move around. 1:24:28.320 --> 1:24:30.040 I don't want you to sulk in this, and I 1:24:30.120 --> 1:24:31.599 want you to know that I'm here for you every 1:24:31.600 --> 1:24:33.360 step of the way. And that was kind of where 1:24:33.360 --> 1:24:35.560 my mindset was at during that process. 1:24:35.960 --> 1:24:38.559 That's good, that's real good. And to be able to 1:24:38.680 --> 1:24:41.960 draw on the experiences that you had to show up, 1:24:42.000 --> 1:24:46.560 because I know sometimes we hear men not knowing exactly 1:24:46.600 --> 1:24:48.800 how to show up for women like that. So I 1:24:49.240 --> 1:24:49.960 salute you for that. 1:24:50.760 --> 1:24:53.360 For me, they'll just leave the one right and be 1:24:53.479 --> 1:24:55.800 like I don't know how to deal with you right now, 1:24:55.880 --> 1:24:58.000 So go figure out my own. 1:24:57.840 --> 1:24:59.720 Life, because she was that for me when my mom 1:24:59.720 --> 1:25:01.400 pad Like I didn't know how to deal. 1:25:01.280 --> 1:25:04.240 With the feelings, and that was prior to that happened before. 1:25:04.000 --> 1:25:07.000 That happened before, and I didn't know what I was 1:25:07.040 --> 1:25:08.880 dealing with or what was going on. And she was 1:25:09.160 --> 1:25:11.240 that person for me that helped me get through this. 1:25:11.280 --> 1:25:14.439 And then literally right after that, her grandma passed away 1:25:14.720 --> 1:25:17.240 like it was twenty at the end of twenty one 1:25:17.479 --> 1:25:20.000 and then the beginning of twenty two, these having back 1:25:20.040 --> 1:25:22.880 to back and then so I just knew and us 1:25:22.920 --> 1:25:24.920 dealing with that and being that person for each other 1:25:25.240 --> 1:25:27.240 no matter what came up in life. I know that 1:25:27.320 --> 1:25:29.120 I want to be that person for you to make 1:25:29.160 --> 1:25:30.799 sure that you don't ever feel like you're alone. 1:25:30.840 --> 1:25:33.559 So your mom passed in twenty one, and then her 1:25:33.560 --> 1:25:35.920 grandma on twenty two, and y'all lost y'all child in 1:25:35.920 --> 1:25:38.519 twenty three, and where year was at twenty four? 1:25:38.640 --> 1:25:43.280 Yeah, this is what marriage is about. Like people look 1:25:43.360 --> 1:25:48.040 for the wrong thing. They are focused on the bank account, 1:25:48.200 --> 1:25:51.519 the look, but like when you go through life together 1:25:51.760 --> 1:25:55.880 like this, like that's that's what really solidified. 1:25:55.400 --> 1:25:57.280 And it solidifies the fact why y'all had to get 1:25:57.280 --> 1:26:00.360 married when y'all did, because y'all needed each other to 1:26:00.400 --> 1:26:02.920 go through it. You would have lost your because you 1:26:03.040 --> 1:26:06.439 would have lost your your your mom when you did. 1:26:06.840 --> 1:26:09.639 And you know, at the end of the day, you've 1:26:09.720 --> 1:26:11.120 just been going through it by yourself, you know what 1:26:11.120 --> 1:26:13.200 I'm saying. But now you got your partner to help 1:26:13.240 --> 1:26:15.519 you go through it. You know she was gonna lose 1:26:15.560 --> 1:26:18.400 her grandma. She needed she needed you. It's like, that's 1:26:18.400 --> 1:26:22.120 what solidifies for I know all things work together for 1:26:22.160 --> 1:26:23.960 the good of them that loved God into the called 1:26:23.960 --> 1:26:26.800 according to his purpose. When I when that scripture just 1:26:27.000 --> 1:26:30.679 washes over y'all and you are able to see those 1:26:30.760 --> 1:26:34.360 iterations throughout your marriages, throughout your marriage and be able 1:26:34.400 --> 1:26:37.639 to see that, Wow, this right here happened and God 1:26:37.720 --> 1:26:40.200 saw through. This right here happened, and God saw through 1:26:40.479 --> 1:26:43.479 And now we're experiencing a loss together. And it's so 1:26:43.600 --> 1:26:49.160 unfortunate oftentimes where a child is lost and the mother 1:26:49.280 --> 1:26:52.679 gets all the attention, all the everything, and and the father. 1:26:53.000 --> 1:26:56.160 Because I interviewed a couple before and the guy said, 1:26:56.320 --> 1:26:59.120 no one ever checked on me. And he said that 1:26:59.120 --> 1:27:02.320 that's different from what Money said. Money said, I knew 1:27:02.320 --> 1:27:04.160 that I had to do this for her. The loss 1:27:04.280 --> 1:27:08.200 happened to us, but how you word it, happened to us, 1:27:08.240 --> 1:27:09.559 but how you how you worded. 1:27:09.320 --> 1:27:12.160 It, it happened. This was a thing that happened between us, 1:27:12.160 --> 1:27:12.439 but to. 1:27:12.479 --> 1:27:14.519 Her, yeah, between us, but to her. 1:27:15.320 --> 1:27:19.680 Other people say, I lost my child too, and no 1:27:19.720 --> 1:27:22.599 one checked on me. And everybody came and gave all 1:27:22.680 --> 1:27:25.640 attention to the mother. The wife did all this, and 1:27:25.680 --> 1:27:27.800 the man's just sitting there like as if they didn't 1:27:27.800 --> 1:27:31.160 lose their child, and yeah, and so it's it's that's 1:27:31.160 --> 1:27:33.320 the reason I'm glad that she circled back, because that 1:27:33.400 --> 1:27:35.080 was my next question I was going to ask you 1:27:35.600 --> 1:27:37.519 is how did you cope with it? How did you 1:27:37.600 --> 1:27:40.160 deal with it? Did you get the need that you 1:27:40.240 --> 1:27:43.560 get your that you grieved properly, because a lot of 1:27:43.640 --> 1:27:46.240 men don't grieve, They just bury it. 1:27:46.600 --> 1:27:48.840 And I will say people who checked on us, I 1:27:48.840 --> 1:27:50.400 will say, there was a lot of people who checked 1:27:50.439 --> 1:27:52.200 on who would come and make sure he was okay. 1:27:52.200 --> 1:27:53.840 But they will pull me to the side and they 1:27:53.840 --> 1:27:55.679 would say, hey, I want to check on you as well, 1:27:55.960 --> 1:27:57.760 because I know a lot of times the men do, 1:27:57.960 --> 1:27:59.439 like you said, they don't get checked on. And there 1:27:59.479 --> 1:28:01.880 was a lot of my family and our friends who 1:28:02.240 --> 1:28:04.280 made sure they also checked on me as well. 1:28:04.400 --> 1:28:04.840 That's good. 1:28:04.960 --> 1:28:07.880 Thank y'all to the community that actually checked on him, 1:28:07.920 --> 1:28:11.519 because men will isolate and they just build resentment and 1:28:11.560 --> 1:28:14.120 then they just they start self medicating. 1:28:14.280 --> 1:28:15.840 You said you don't drink, but then that'd be the 1:28:15.840 --> 1:28:17.400 time you started drinking. You know what I'm saying. 1:28:17.720 --> 1:28:22.360 You start self medicating on stuff that's very unnecessary. But 1:28:22.840 --> 1:28:25.439 glory to God that y'all went through that. And then 1:28:25.720 --> 1:28:29.200 what's the praise report? So y'all went through Yeah, the 1:28:29.280 --> 1:28:29.840 praise report. 1:28:29.920 --> 1:28:32.919 So no, no right, no right to. 1:28:32.200 --> 1:28:35.559 I've just learned this information from Obi. Then I called Doc. 1:28:35.720 --> 1:28:37.920 Doc is my bonus mom. So I called Doc and 1:28:37.960 --> 1:28:40.559 I'm telling her what happened, and she's like mm hmmm 1:28:40.800 --> 1:28:43.479 mm hmmm mm hmm. Okay, Well, I'm just gonna tell 1:28:43.479 --> 1:28:45.880 you this because you talking like you don't know who 1:28:45.920 --> 1:28:47.960 God is there it is so at the end of 1:28:48.000 --> 1:28:50.200 the day, you gonna get pregnant and watch it be 1:28:50.280 --> 1:28:52.040 on the right side. I don't care what they say. 1:28:52.560 --> 1:28:56.240 I said, Okay, Doc, you're right. I'm gonna trust the Lord. 1:28:56.280 --> 1:28:58.720 I'm gonna trust the Lord, she said, on. 1:28:58.760 --> 1:29:04.680 The side that has the common Yes, I said, And 1:29:05.080 --> 1:29:06.920 I set up a point like at the end of 1:29:06.920 --> 1:29:09.360 that appointment with her, we had set up appointment for 1:29:09.360 --> 1:29:12.160 two weeks out to do eggertry well to see how 1:29:12.240 --> 1:29:15.800 healthy like the left side was right, and she was like, 1:29:15.920 --> 1:29:17.360 we need to wait till your next cycle comes out, 1:29:17.360 --> 1:29:18.080 and say, okay, cool. 1:29:18.680 --> 1:29:20.880 So by the time my next cycle was supposed to 1:29:20.880 --> 1:29:25.200 come on, I was like, where's that? And I go. 1:29:25.400 --> 1:29:27.479 I was like, I'm gonna take a pregnancy test, which 1:29:27.520 --> 1:29:29.519 it didn't make any sense because I have been late 1:29:29.560 --> 1:29:31.000 for extended periods of time, but this was like a 1:29:31.080 --> 1:29:33.400 day late. So I take a pregnant test. But I 1:29:33.439 --> 1:29:34.640 was like, I'm not gonna look at it because I'm 1:29:34.640 --> 1:29:35.520 tired of disappointment. 1:29:36.280 --> 1:29:36.880 Hours. 1:29:37.000 --> 1:29:39.599 I want to say, like maybe four or five hours, 1:29:39.840 --> 1:29:41.040 because I just left in the bathroom and I went 1:29:41.040 --> 1:29:42.920 about my business. We had we had men coming up 1:29:42.960 --> 1:29:48.320 to the house to redo the floors, so I wasn't 1:29:48.360 --> 1:29:51.080 even thinking about it. And then I dawned on me 1:29:51.160 --> 1:29:53.160 after he left for a basketball game. Oh go check. 1:29:53.439 --> 1:29:56.320 So I was like, oh my god, I'm pregnant. I was like, wait, 1:29:56.520 --> 1:30:02.080 but he's not here in the car, and then he 1:30:02.120 --> 1:30:04.080 called me on my way home, like, oh my god, 1:30:04.240 --> 1:30:06.240 So I come home. I tell him and we set 1:30:06.280 --> 1:30:09.200 up an appointment immediately because my Obi wanted to make sure. 1:30:09.200 --> 1:30:11.400 She said, your chances are an increased for etopic pregnancy 1:30:11.439 --> 1:30:13.320 after the first by like four or five percent, So 1:30:13.320 --> 1:30:17.800 we had appointment immediately. Explain atypical pregnancy is so an 1:30:17.840 --> 1:30:21.360 exopic pregnancy is when you're essentially the baby doesn't travel 1:30:21.360 --> 1:30:24.160 all the way through your filopian tube. Instead, the baby 1:30:24.160 --> 1:30:26.240 gets stuck and doesn't make it to the uterus, so 1:30:26.280 --> 1:30:30.040 they begin to grow. Now it's not a viable fetus, 1:30:30.080 --> 1:30:32.559 but it will continue to grow and sometimes it can 1:30:32.640 --> 1:30:35.360 rupture the tube and it can kill both you and 1:30:35.400 --> 1:30:39.519 the baby. So we caught it, and my Obie did 1:30:39.600 --> 1:30:42.800 explain that my twoe had ruptured and that's why they 1:30:42.840 --> 1:30:44.479 had to remove it. But it was not conveyed in 1:30:44.560 --> 1:30:48.360 the notes or anything like that. But we caught it, 1:30:48.800 --> 1:30:52.200 take care of it, got surgery and everything, and I 1:30:52.400 --> 1:30:55.960 ended up being okay. But basically there's no viable pregnancy 1:30:55.960 --> 1:30:59.639 that can come from that. But that being said, we 1:31:00.240 --> 1:31:02.240 went up they said let's do an ultra sound to 1:31:02.280 --> 1:31:05.160 make sure it's in the right placement this time. So 1:31:05.200 --> 1:31:08.040 I was like, okay, great, and as we're doing it, 1:31:08.040 --> 1:31:09.800 it's like, oh, there it is, okay great, yeah, da 1:31:09.840 --> 1:31:12.920 da da, And she said, oh my goodness, Oh do 1:31:12.960 --> 1:31:16.120 you want to see like which over it was? And 1:31:16.200 --> 1:31:19.240 she goes over to the right side and not only 1:31:19.360 --> 1:31:21.840 is it enlarge, but there's so much like blood flow. 1:31:21.920 --> 1:31:23.400 She was like, it's so healthy this, that and the 1:31:23.439 --> 1:31:28.160 third and I said, hold on. I was like, what 1:31:28.200 --> 1:31:30.559 are saying. That's not bout I ain't got. 1:31:30.520 --> 1:31:35.920 A tube over there and was like, So she goes 1:31:35.920 --> 1:31:38.080 to the left and there's nothing, like you don't see 1:31:38.080 --> 1:31:39.160 anything on the left side. 1:31:39.240 --> 1:31:40.640 I was first of all, I was worried about the 1:31:40.720 --> 1:31:42.559 left over it and the blood flow. She was like, no, 1:31:42.840 --> 1:31:45.040 it came from over here. And then she goes she said, oh, 1:31:45.280 --> 1:31:49.960 you don't have a tube over here. I don't know 1:31:50.000 --> 1:31:54.040 how like I don't know and she said, but that 1:31:57.280 --> 1:31:58.120 doctor sits them. 1:31:58.160 --> 1:32:02.280 I said, what just happened from the right ovary to 1:32:02.320 --> 1:32:03.040 the left tube? 1:32:03.600 --> 1:32:05.759 That is what happened, yes, And I said. 1:32:05.880 --> 1:32:08.120 The baby came from the right ovary. 1:32:09.560 --> 1:32:10.719 It doesn't make any sense. 1:32:11.240 --> 1:32:14.080 I said, okay, And it's crazy that doc said that, 1:32:14.160 --> 1:32:15.639 because that's exactly what happened. 1:32:15.680 --> 1:32:18.000 That's exactly what happened. And I'm talking to my doctor 1:32:18.040 --> 1:32:19.599 about it, and she's sitting here like she said, I'm 1:32:19.600 --> 1:32:21.719 gonna be honest, I have never seen this happen before. 1:32:22.160 --> 1:32:24.680 I don't know what to tell you, and I'm like, 1:32:25.080 --> 1:32:26.880 it's the Lord, it's the Lord. 1:32:28.160 --> 1:32:30.160 Ain't no explanation for it. We can't. We don't have one. 1:32:30.200 --> 1:32:31.000 Doctors don't either. 1:32:32.800 --> 1:32:34.360 Let me tell you about my guys. 1:32:34.680 --> 1:32:36.280 I know all things work together. 1:32:37.680 --> 1:32:44.960 And now six months, oh my gosh, I have to 1:32:45.000 --> 1:32:47.840 see pictures. 1:32:48.320 --> 1:32:50.639 Don't take your kid. She won't take your kids. 1:32:52.040 --> 1:32:55.760 I just I mean, Auntie Ashley could just babe like 1:32:55.800 --> 1:33:00.160 a night out. I got you. I was afore. I'm 1:33:00.160 --> 1:33:08.200 a teacher, so as I so I'm I'm safe. 1:33:08.640 --> 1:33:11.400 How did it feel giving birth to this miracle child? 1:33:12.160 --> 1:33:15.760 Oh my goodness, it was like such a sense of 1:33:17.120 --> 1:33:20.759 I can't believe her here, Like God, it is insane 1:33:20.800 --> 1:33:26.680 when they say birth is a crazy experience. I still like, 1:33:26.800 --> 1:33:29.000 once she came out, I couldn't. I couldn't put together. 1:33:29.040 --> 1:33:30.479 And he like, oh my god, you just came out 1:33:30.479 --> 1:33:33.880 of me and the whole time I was in labor forever. 1:33:34.200 --> 1:33:41.280 But it's like thirty hours unmedicated. It was, oh, I'm 1:33:41.320 --> 1:33:45.360 scared of needles. 1:33:43.280 --> 1:33:47.120 Wow, she's so scared of needles that she had a 1:33:47.200 --> 1:33:49.479 dental procedure done this year without the numbing. 1:33:49.600 --> 1:33:50.360 You lie. 1:33:53.160 --> 1:33:55.360 So scared of the numb and needles. She was like, no, y'all, 1:33:55.400 --> 1:33:57.679 just do it and said the open. 1:34:03.200 --> 1:34:05.479 He was like the whole time, he said, are you okay? 1:34:05.560 --> 1:34:08.719 And I'm surprised, but I'm like, I'm like, yeah, tears 1:34:08.760 --> 1:34:09.240 rolling now. 1:34:11.360 --> 1:34:12.000 In your mouth. 1:34:13.600 --> 1:34:15.360 This is the crazy thing I've ever done. Because he 1:34:15.479 --> 1:34:18.640 convinced me to go and try like the needle like 1:34:18.680 --> 1:34:20.760 He's like, because I had to have another procedure done, 1:34:21.120 --> 1:34:23.040 and I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it. He said, 1:34:23.240 --> 1:34:26.519 they numb it first, Haley, and they do the jail first. 1:34:26.800 --> 1:34:28.920 I'm gonna do it. And it was I said, I 1:34:28.920 --> 1:34:31.480 can't believe I did that to myself. 1:34:32.000 --> 1:34:34.160 It's crazy people drilling. 1:34:35.640 --> 1:34:36.120 I did. 1:34:36.800 --> 1:34:39.559 Like he said, he said, okay, if that's what you want, 1:34:40.840 --> 1:34:42.680 Like I think it was gonna be a procedure and 1:34:42.720 --> 1:34:45.519 he'd be like, I'm sorry, I can't do that. There's liability, No, 1:34:45.760 --> 1:34:50.040 he said, And I cried the whole time, but like 1:34:50.640 --> 1:34:51.639 I didn't flinch. 1:34:51.760 --> 1:34:54.160 I was that is crazy. 1:34:54.560 --> 1:34:56.559 Wow, he let me do it. 1:34:56.640 --> 1:34:59.479 Now. I do have a newdist now though, because some 1:34:59.520 --> 1:35:01.360 of the things and what needed to be So I'm like, 1:35:01.360 --> 1:35:02.280 that's probably why he let. 1:35:02.280 --> 1:35:04.559 Me do it, but that that is the reason why 1:35:04.600 --> 1:35:07.280 she did the natural birth, because she is so afraid of. 1:35:07.320 --> 1:35:10.200 Needles that they stick in your back. And then I 1:35:10.200 --> 1:35:11.599 didn't know you had to have a cat of the two. 1:35:11.640 --> 1:35:14.559 I said, oh uh and if they and if you 1:35:14.640 --> 1:35:16.440 move while they're doing it, you can be paralyzed. 1:35:16.520 --> 1:35:17.160 Yeah. 1:35:17.240 --> 1:35:19.960 Yeah, I'm telling you right now today I said, oh, 1:35:20.040 --> 1:35:20.760 I'm not doing that. 1:35:21.479 --> 1:35:24.280 She did a great job and yeah, thirty hours. 1:35:24.320 --> 1:35:26.160 I didn't do it at the hospital either though, So 1:35:26.520 --> 1:35:27.680 that was the other because I didn't want to be 1:35:27.680 --> 1:35:29.920 pressured into getting it. So I went to a birthing 1:35:29.960 --> 1:35:32.160 center where it wasn't given. 1:35:32.040 --> 1:35:35.439 An option, tried the pool. 1:35:35.560 --> 1:35:37.439 She ended up. I ended up on the floor because 1:35:38.240 --> 1:35:39.679 she wasn't acting right in the pool. 1:35:39.880 --> 1:35:42.400 Yeah, it's crazy. She was in the Captain Morgan position 1:35:43.400 --> 1:35:45.160 for I was the bed. 1:35:45.040 --> 1:35:47.360 The floor, the toilet, the shower, back to the pool. 1:35:47.800 --> 1:35:49.439 Leilani did not want to come out. I want her 1:35:49.439 --> 1:35:51.040 to come out in that pool, and she was acting up. 1:35:52.720 --> 1:35:55.760 He shout out, shout out a Natural Beginner's birth center though, 1:35:55.800 --> 1:35:56.760 because they did their thing. 1:35:57.000 --> 1:35:57.400 Yeah they did. 1:35:59.560 --> 1:36:04.360 I'm look, she came out on the Florida I was like, look, okay, 1:36:04.640 --> 1:36:06.880 Natural thirty hours. 1:36:06.920 --> 1:36:10.040 Women, y'all women, the superhero y'all from Superhero. 1:36:10.320 --> 1:36:13.599 But I'll say this, I heard a lot of horror 1:36:13.640 --> 1:36:18.280 stories beforehand, and I don't think it was as bad 1:36:18.439 --> 1:36:21.040 as I thought it was going to be based on 1:36:21.080 --> 1:36:23.759 the stories that I was told. But I was praying 1:36:23.800 --> 1:36:25.920 the whole time. I'm like, I'm in there. 1:36:25.960 --> 1:36:29.880 You're like, God, I can't do this because I need 1:36:29.920 --> 1:36:32.280 you to meet me. 1:36:33.160 --> 1:36:35.599 I thought I was scaring the duel and the midwif 1:36:35.600 --> 1:36:37.280 because at one point I'm going off in tons. I'm like, God, 1:36:37.320 --> 1:36:39.719 you're gonna be here with me. Your president is gonna 1:36:39.720 --> 1:36:40.720 be in this room. 1:36:41.040 --> 1:36:41.200 This. 1:36:41.320 --> 1:36:42.320 Yeah, you gave me. 1:36:42.600 --> 1:36:43.880 I can't do this if you're not here. 1:36:44.160 --> 1:36:44.400 Teach. 1:36:44.680 --> 1:36:47.240 Look, and that's the only way we got through that. 1:36:47.240 --> 1:36:47.920 That's good. 1:36:48.439 --> 1:36:50.439 I want to touch on this before we wrap up 1:36:50.439 --> 1:36:54.040 because we always talk about purpose partners and people see 1:36:54.120 --> 1:37:00.360 y'all have this phenomenal social media presence. Y'all have eight 1:37:00.439 --> 1:37:03.599 hundred and how much? Eight hundred and what thousand? On Instagram? 1:37:03.640 --> 1:37:05.439 Seventy eight eight seventy I think. 1:37:05.479 --> 1:37:07.919 Eight seventy something. What do y'all have on TikTok? 1:37:08.160 --> 1:37:11.160 One point seven mil? Just hit one point seven one point. 1:37:10.960 --> 1:37:14.480 Seven that's dope. Y'all been working exactly. 1:37:14.880 --> 1:37:15.960 Look, I got a crazy boss. 1:37:16.040 --> 1:37:18.639 Yeah, this started what two years ago? 1:37:19.120 --> 1:37:21.519 Uh, basically three, because it would have been twenty twenty 1:37:21.520 --> 1:37:22.280 three at the end. 1:37:22.200 --> 1:37:24.439 Like right after we got there December of twenty three. 1:37:24.280 --> 1:37:26.439 That we were still working our jobs. 1:37:26.800 --> 1:37:32.120 Yeah, and then how did this come to Besso? 1:37:32.439 --> 1:37:33.839 Yes, to start doing content? 1:37:34.280 --> 1:37:39.240 I encouraged her, Yeah, she well, I saw everybody just 1:37:39.320 --> 1:37:42.040 making videos like I didn't. We didn't have TikTok at first. 1:37:42.040 --> 1:37:44.639 So when everybody was getting TikTok in like twenty twenty COVID, 1:37:44.920 --> 1:37:47.000 we didn't have it, and then we got it like 1:37:47.040 --> 1:37:49.280 twenty twenty one, and I'm seeing the stuff and I'm like, 1:37:49.840 --> 1:37:52.040 we can do this, like this is this is not 1:37:52.120 --> 1:37:55.120 hard stuff, and she's like, no, I don't want to 1:37:55.120 --> 1:37:56.880 do it. So then I made videos by myself, but 1:37:56.920 --> 1:37:59.800 it was just like random sounds. That was like no 1:37:59.840 --> 1:38:02.360 strategy to it at all. I was just doing bs 1:38:02.439 --> 1:38:05.240 stuff like you're talking about nothing. I literally just did 1:38:05.360 --> 1:38:09.360 sounds sound like I would do sounds and put words 1:38:09.400 --> 1:38:09.800 over the. 1:38:09.800 --> 1:38:12.520 Sounds like sounds. 1:38:12.520 --> 1:38:15.160 It was nothing, literally, and I don't know how, but 1:38:15.200 --> 1:38:17.320 I got ten thousand followers off of it in like 1:38:17.360 --> 1:38:19.599 a year. But then when I encouraged her to do it, 1:38:19.600 --> 1:38:21.800 after I got ten thousand, within like two or three months, 1:38:21.840 --> 1:38:22.960 she got one hundred thousand followers. 1:38:23.000 --> 1:38:25.040 And I'm like, in two or three months, yes, what 1:38:25.160 --> 1:38:25.839 was your content? 1:38:26.240 --> 1:38:28.439 My content? I was doing my skincare because I was 1:38:28.520 --> 1:38:31.160 learning good skincare, but I was also telling stories. I 1:38:31.160 --> 1:38:33.680 started talking about like I did a series about my 1:38:33.720 --> 1:38:36.080 mom and the way that she grew up and everybody 1:38:36.080 --> 1:38:37.280 love a good ghetto series. 1:38:39.200 --> 1:38:41.519 And then after you grew, after you grew, you did 1:38:41.520 --> 1:38:42.599 the Biblical baddies. 1:38:42.600 --> 1:38:45.760 Oh, yes, I did. I did Biblical Baddies. It was 1:38:45.800 --> 1:38:46.559 coming from me for that. 1:38:46.680 --> 1:38:47.400 What was that about? 1:38:49.200 --> 1:38:53.880 Episode? Everybody? I said, Sarah had to be fine because 1:38:53.920 --> 1:38:57.599 Abraham over here lying not once, but twice about this girl. 1:38:57.640 --> 1:38:59.519 Because think you won't kill me? 1:38:59.560 --> 1:38:59.800 Fuck? 1:39:00.160 --> 1:39:02.400 I said, she was older age. I said, oh, I 1:39:02.439 --> 1:39:04.639 want to be that fine, that's how bad I want 1:39:04.680 --> 1:39:06.800 to be. And like I'm telling the story but in 1:39:06.840 --> 1:39:09.240 a kind of like a funny way. Yes, And if 1:39:09.240 --> 1:39:12.840 we talked about Leah and Rachel, like imagine being so bad. 1:39:13.320 --> 1:39:17.840 He worked fourteen years for you, I mean, and you 1:39:17.840 --> 1:39:19.360 don't get nothing before then. 1:39:20.760 --> 1:39:21.320 Nothing. 1:39:22.640 --> 1:39:24.479 Like I said, that's what I need to look like, 1:39:24.479 --> 1:39:25.839 what I gotta do? What's the workout? 1:39:25.880 --> 1:39:26.200 Richard? 1:39:27.560 --> 1:39:29.360 About es I did? 1:39:32.320 --> 1:39:34.200 I was going in. I talked about Elsa. I talked 1:39:34.200 --> 1:39:38.559 about Ruth like the Kin's memory, Dame, I said, listen. 1:39:39.280 --> 1:39:41.600 So that was a method to her. Man there was 1:39:41.680 --> 1:39:43.639 he was just making sound and I was just making sounds. 1:39:43.680 --> 1:39:46.120 And then in twenty twenty three, after we got married 1:39:46.160 --> 1:39:49.160 in November, we did like three actual couple videos. All 1:39:49.200 --> 1:39:50.840 three of them took off, and I was like, wait 1:39:50.880 --> 1:39:53.240 a minute, let me change this talk about that. This 1:39:53.280 --> 1:39:56.240 one was like one of them was like we're married, 1:39:56.600 --> 1:39:59.639 and it was like the trend where it's like we're married, 1:39:59.760 --> 1:40:02.479 so of course whatever whatever, And we went back and 1:40:02.479 --> 1:40:04.559 forth doing that, and then we did when the target 1:40:04.680 --> 1:40:08.360 videos was like a random woman walking up in Target. 1:40:08.160 --> 1:40:10.640 Like hitting on you, Howard, You that. 1:40:10.920 --> 1:40:14.320 Is really what took us off because we did those 1:40:14.400 --> 1:40:17.439 like every week after that, and we were getting one 1:40:17.520 --> 1:40:21.760 hundred thousand followers every month, every hundred thousand followers every 1:40:21.760 --> 1:40:24.360 month for the first eight months. It was eight or 1:40:24.439 --> 1:40:28.720 nine months from November to December January. It just kept 1:40:28.720 --> 1:40:29.519 coming hundred thousand. 1:40:29.560 --> 1:40:31.200 I was like, and what was your frequency, y'all posting 1:40:31.240 --> 1:40:31.719 every week? 1:40:32.240 --> 1:40:34.200 I was trying to post like every day. Yeah, two 1:40:34.280 --> 1:40:35.000 three times a day. 1:40:35.040 --> 1:40:37.479 It was crazy, really, I mean, and we both working 1:40:37.479 --> 1:40:40.040 full time. Come he's coming home at eleven o'clock after 1:40:40.120 --> 1:40:42.080 because he was a coach after a basketball game out 1:40:42.080 --> 1:40:43.960 of town. Like, okay, let's run these three videos before 1:40:43.960 --> 1:40:46.120 I take a shower, Like, come on, let's go in the. 1:40:46.080 --> 1:40:47.479 Next day while I was at work on my lunch, 1:40:47.479 --> 1:40:49.599 I would post one at twelve, I'll post one after 1:40:49.800 --> 1:40:51.760 like three, and then I would post one after practice 1:40:52.640 --> 1:40:56.680 every single day, every single day, Saturday, Sundays and Saturday too, 1:40:56.720 --> 1:40:58.160 because that would be the days we don't so we 1:40:58.200 --> 1:41:00.160 did the target videos. We don't have a target in 1:41:00.200 --> 1:41:02.280 our city, so we would have to drive to Gastonia 1:41:02.479 --> 1:41:04.479 was like thirty minutes away, and we would do the 1:41:04.560 --> 1:41:05.959 videos then when we had time. 1:41:06.240 --> 1:41:08.400 Because I don't know why those type of videos didn't 1:41:08.400 --> 1:41:09.479 work in any store of Target. 1:41:09.720 --> 1:41:10.599 It was like. 1:41:10.520 --> 1:41:10.800 We did. 1:41:14.320 --> 1:41:14.840 Everywhere. 1:41:14.960 --> 1:41:17.519 I said, oh but that one Target one went craz 1:41:17.880 --> 1:41:18.280 keep going on. 1:41:20.640 --> 1:41:22.000 Video every time. 1:41:23.200 --> 1:41:25.080 Oh my god. We got at least ten of those 1:41:25.160 --> 1:41:26.200 videos at least. 1:41:26.920 --> 1:41:28.720 I didn't like that, and I felt bad because we 1:41:28.720 --> 1:41:29.719 didn't even shop at Target. 1:41:30.400 --> 1:41:31.240 We didn't even shop. 1:41:31.439 --> 1:41:33.040 We were just making videos like it was our studio. 1:41:33.080 --> 1:41:35.240 We was clocking in at and you got people in 1:41:35.240 --> 1:41:36.719 the conversation that y'all had Target. 1:41:38.439 --> 1:41:40.599 Y'all don't feel bad. You promoted them. 1:41:43.800 --> 1:41:47.479 With y'all no lord, and y'all was getting So a 1:41:47.560 --> 1:41:49.880 video that y'all have with Target, what do you think 1:41:49.920 --> 1:41:50.880 has the most views? 1:41:50.920 --> 1:41:54.639 Like, I mean, one of those videos probably about twelve million. 1:41:55.960 --> 1:41:58.960 All of them had over a million, like ten digits 1:41:59.600 --> 1:42:02.080 double d. At least three of them had ten million 1:42:02.080 --> 1:42:05.360 plus and then some of them have eight million, six million, 1:42:05.880 --> 1:42:08.439 like the lowest on those were probably like eight hundred thousand. 1:42:09.160 --> 1:42:10.960 And that was and that's why we kept doing them. 1:42:13.040 --> 1:42:15.680 Y'all would get one hundred thousand followers a month. 1:42:15.720 --> 1:42:17.720 It was insane. It was to the point where, like 1:42:18.080 --> 1:42:21.000 when we started meeting other creators who had been in 1:42:21.040 --> 1:42:23.200 the game a lot longer than us. They were like, 1:42:23.479 --> 1:42:25.960 how did y'all do it wrong? I don't know nothing 1:42:25.960 --> 1:42:27.680 about it. I can't even tell you. I can't even 1:42:27.720 --> 1:42:30.240 tell you now how to replicate that again, because like 1:42:30.320 --> 1:42:32.040 after we hit the eight or nine month, it was 1:42:32.080 --> 1:42:34.679 like eight hundred nine hundred thousand. Once we hit that range, 1:42:34.920 --> 1:42:37.040 it wasn't like it maybe went down to like fifty 1:42:37.080 --> 1:42:39.000 thousand in the month and then maybe thirty and then 1:42:39.200 --> 1:42:41.599 it was real. It got real slow after that. 1:42:41.520 --> 1:42:43.240 And then we were thinking, like, what are we doing wrong? 1:42:43.400 --> 1:42:47.320 But it was like, yeah, I bet y'all was I 1:42:47.320 --> 1:42:50.639 bet y'all was like, please don't close down TikTok. When 1:42:50.680 --> 1:42:53.120 that whole thing was going, was talking about TikTok you 1:42:53.200 --> 1:42:54.479 was like, Trump, don't you mess this up. 1:42:55.120 --> 1:42:57.639 I immediately said, Okay, I need to start posting on Instagram. 1:42:58.120 --> 1:42:59.519 Let me let me go over there, let me go 1:42:59.720 --> 1:43:01.360 in the establish an audience over there. 1:43:02.680 --> 1:43:05.080 But it's I think, like, obviously you guys did a 1:43:05.080 --> 1:43:07.240 lot right, But it really is like the you guys 1:43:07.320 --> 1:43:11.919 factor because you're so relatable, you make content that clearly 1:43:12.040 --> 1:43:14.639 speaks to people, and you guys are just like real 1:43:14.760 --> 1:43:18.439 and transparent. But like, don't take yourselves too seriously, and 1:43:18.479 --> 1:43:21.360 so what is there not to love about following you 1:43:21.400 --> 1:43:22.559 guys and watching your. 1:43:22.439 --> 1:43:25.280 Content and what do y'all have like and creating content? 1:43:25.320 --> 1:43:27.479 Do y'all have any boundaries of what y'all won't share 1:43:27.560 --> 1:43:29.719 publicly Christian? 1:43:30.240 --> 1:43:33.679 Yeah, my daughter daughter right now? Yeah, well her face, 1:43:33.760 --> 1:43:37.719 so her face okay, yeah, not like the head. Yeah, 1:43:37.760 --> 1:43:38.080 but we. 1:43:38.000 --> 1:43:41.920 Also don't make content really surrounded by her either, like 1:43:42.000 --> 1:43:44.400 she may be in like a vog or something, or 1:43:44.880 --> 1:43:47.120 I will be on my page and talk about her 1:43:47.360 --> 1:43:49.960 or talk about motherhood, but like, she didn't sign up 1:43:50.000 --> 1:43:54.599 for this, and I have patients, but like, I don't 1:43:54.600 --> 1:43:55.960 care what you think about what I got going on 1:43:56.000 --> 1:43:57.680 when it comes to my child, and I don't want 1:43:57.680 --> 1:44:00.160 her on social media because people are very ruthless when 1:44:00.200 --> 1:44:03.439 it comes to kids, and I don't just want to 1:44:03.640 --> 1:44:04.160 that crazy. 1:44:05.040 --> 1:44:07.479 Well, we have an exclusive picture of their daughter right now. 1:44:11.200 --> 1:44:17.479 Dropped the picture. This is when she's teething. This look 1:44:17.479 --> 1:44:18.040 at this picture. 1:44:20.120 --> 1:44:23.240 But yeah, that is cool that y'all have those boundaries, like, hey, listen, 1:44:23.240 --> 1:44:26.920 we're gonna we're gonna keep our kid, you know, anonymous. 1:44:27.920 --> 1:44:31.240 So I'm gonna ask you all this question again, now, 1:44:31.280 --> 1:44:35.320 since we've come all the way around full circle, why 1:44:35.360 --> 1:44:40.120 did God allow you to marry her and him? 1:44:40.680 --> 1:44:42.160 Why did he choose this. 1:44:42.080 --> 1:44:45.960 Partner for y'all to be married hindsight being twenty twenty 1:44:46.000 --> 1:44:47.360 as you look across his journey. 1:44:47.800 --> 1:44:50.280 Why, I'm gonna say, for me, it gave me a 1:44:50.320 --> 1:44:53.120 different perception of life, because I will say we have 1:44:53.240 --> 1:44:58.000 similar backgrounds, but we perceived life a different way because 1:44:58.000 --> 1:45:00.360 Haley was a person where she had not seen a 1:45:00.400 --> 1:45:02.200 lot of things. I hadn't seen the people traveling, I 1:45:02.200 --> 1:45:03.759 hadn't seen the marriage. I hadn't seen all this stuff. 1:45:03.760 --> 1:45:05.680 So I wanted I was a person who was I 1:45:05.720 --> 1:45:07.360 have not seen these things. So I'm okay with not 1:45:07.439 --> 1:45:10.120 having it. So even in taking our first trip, which 1:45:10.200 --> 1:45:12.080 was to the dr but it was a group trip, 1:45:12.360 --> 1:45:14.519 and I'm telling her, like, we don't do that, like 1:45:14.600 --> 1:45:18.000 that's not that's not what we do, and everybody know 1:45:18.040 --> 1:45:22.120 who he is. But I was but like, like I said, 1:45:22.120 --> 1:45:25.800 I just felt like, and now I'm trying to go 1:45:25.800 --> 1:45:28.720 out to the country once a year. But she just 1:45:28.760 --> 1:45:33.280 opened my eyes up to just to life in general. 1:45:33.360 --> 1:45:36.840 Like she has brought a whole different perception of life 1:45:36.880 --> 1:45:39.040 for me in the way I view people, the way 1:45:39.080 --> 1:45:41.240 that I view myself, the way that I view her 1:45:41.320 --> 1:45:43.760 in just different situations. And I feel like she was 1:45:43.760 --> 1:45:45.919 putting my life to just change my sense of reality 1:45:46.320 --> 1:45:48.880 that Hayley, Oh that's. 1:45:48.800 --> 1:45:54.240 Not I don't Why did y'all choose money to be 1:45:54.320 --> 1:45:54.920 your husband? 1:45:55.680 --> 1:45:56.880 Could have been anybody else? 1:45:57.080 --> 1:45:59.719 Why any of them dates? 1:46:01.560 --> 1:46:09.720 There was never I think God knew I needed somebody 1:46:10.360 --> 1:46:15.160 that could help me heal certain parts of things when 1:46:15.240 --> 1:46:18.360 it came to how I viewed men, how I viewed 1:46:18.360 --> 1:46:22.400 a husband, how I viewed a father, and when it 1:46:22.439 --> 1:46:23.439 comes to being with money. 1:46:23.479 --> 1:46:24.040 There's so. 1:46:25.520 --> 1:46:33.760 Many things that I realized I've healed through in being 1:46:33.800 --> 1:46:37.880 married to him, being able at I just tell him 1:46:38.240 --> 1:46:42.240 not a long story, but we had my niece for 1:46:42.320 --> 1:46:44.320 like two weeks. We got her to like two weeks 1:46:44.360 --> 1:46:47.000 at the time. She's in Georgia, right, and I was 1:46:47.000 --> 1:46:48.800 spelling some time with a whole time that we had her. 1:46:49.720 --> 1:46:52.880 And she leaves second home and I'm washing dishes, money 1:46:52.880 --> 1:46:54.280 comes out the room and I was like, I just 1:46:54.320 --> 1:46:56.599 need you to know. I need to talk to you, 1:46:57.400 --> 1:47:02.000 and I don't want you to be upset, but I 1:47:02.080 --> 1:47:06.120 need to say this. The entire time that my niece 1:47:06.200 --> 1:47:10.280 was here, I felt like I was on edge and 1:47:10.320 --> 1:47:13.880 I felt like, there is no way somebody can be 1:47:14.680 --> 1:47:20.200 this caring, this supportive, this loving, and this attentive without 1:47:20.280 --> 1:47:25.080 some twisted ulterior motive. And I'm not talking about it 1:47:25.120 --> 1:47:29.400 from a standpoint of you have a questionable character. I'm 1:47:29.479 --> 1:47:33.360 realizing that in you, God is healing what I didn't 1:47:33.400 --> 1:47:37.200 think could be possible. And he walks over to He 1:47:37.240 --> 1:47:39.360 didn't say anything, he like, he just walks over to 1:47:39.439 --> 1:47:41.320 me and he hugs me, and he says, I'm so 1:47:41.439 --> 1:47:44.519 sorry that you had to experience that, but you don't 1:47:44.520 --> 1:47:50.760 have to worry. And it's like that, I'm seeing with 1:47:51.240 --> 1:47:54.640 like him becoming a father, and I'm seeing what it 1:47:54.680 --> 1:47:57.320 means for somebody to really like I want to be 1:47:57.360 --> 1:48:00.360 a dad and I love being a dad. I want 1:48:00.360 --> 1:48:02.759 to be a husband and I love being a husband. 1:48:02.800 --> 1:48:05.880 I want to love you, even when you're not the 1:48:05.920 --> 1:48:10.080 easiest to love. That is he goes so much when 1:48:10.120 --> 1:48:13.679 you see people so quickly ready to leave, so quickly, 1:48:13.720 --> 1:48:15.559 ready to throw on a towel that you're not worth it, 1:48:15.600 --> 1:48:18.160 And have somebody sit here and be like, yo, this 1:48:18.320 --> 1:48:22.680 is what I signed up for. And like truly be 1:48:22.880 --> 1:48:26.960 patient and love you through it like that, Oh my 1:48:27.040 --> 1:48:29.960 gosh that and it just kind of dawned on me. 1:48:30.479 --> 1:48:30.920 In May. 1:48:31.840 --> 1:48:35.400 We were sitting in church and I'm holding Leilani and 1:48:35.520 --> 1:48:38.920 I'm looking down at her, and it was like, I see, 1:48:39.120 --> 1:48:40.200 like and that was this year. 1:48:40.240 --> 1:48:40.720 I'm like, God, I. 1:48:40.760 --> 1:48:42.600 See why you gave me this man. 1:48:42.720 --> 1:48:46.360 I see why you put me with him, specifically, the 1:48:46.400 --> 1:48:48.600 way that he talks to me, the way that he 1:48:48.680 --> 1:48:50.880 has patience even when I have an attitude, the way 1:48:50.880 --> 1:48:54.400 that he will not He's never ever raised his voice. 1:48:54.080 --> 1:48:57.400 At me being angry. There's never been like a knockout, 1:48:57.479 --> 1:49:00.200 drag out type of thing. You gave me somebody who 1:49:00.200 --> 1:49:03.400 could show me the exact opposite of what I expected 1:49:03.400 --> 1:49:05.839 to get when it came to a relationship, a husband 1:49:06.000 --> 1:49:08.040 and a father, what I expected to get in a 1:49:08.080 --> 1:49:11.519 man that has healed me on so many levels. I 1:49:12.240 --> 1:49:17.559 know I needed that, and like, I love you, I 1:49:17.680 --> 1:49:19.639 love you. I'm trying not to let no tears drop 1:49:19.680 --> 1:49:20.559 because I did my makeup. 1:49:23.360 --> 1:49:27.960 You won't cry for me, he. 1:49:27.880 --> 1:49:29.639 Said, you won't. You want to mess up your bakeup 1:49:29.640 --> 1:49:30.120 for him, right? 1:49:32.280 --> 1:49:37.599 But no, I was like I needed that. I genuinely. Yeah, 1:49:38.080 --> 1:49:40.000 you're a great man, you're a great woman. 1:49:40.920 --> 1:49:43.160 But it's a great opportunity for y'all to grab that box. 1:49:43.479 --> 1:49:45.800 Do you have any other questions asked before we write? 1:49:45.800 --> 1:49:48.000 To keep the love that was? 1:49:48.760 --> 1:49:50.519 That was very beautiful, beautiful, and. 1:49:52.200 --> 1:49:56.599 Yeah what I love about. Y'all can grab the box 1:49:56.640 --> 1:49:58.440 and I'll talk while y'all grabbed the box. 1:49:58.800 --> 1:49:59.320 There to start. 1:50:00.040 --> 1:50:02.040 Yeah, you go get the pin out. 1:50:02.080 --> 1:50:06.000 Each one of y'all get your own yeah key and 1:50:06.000 --> 1:50:10.040 then you write a sentence phrase, word whatever you want 1:50:10.080 --> 1:50:13.200 to write your key to love, and sign your name 1:50:14.560 --> 1:50:15.120 no cheating. 1:50:18.520 --> 1:50:21.160 So what did you think about this episode? 1:50:21.680 --> 1:50:29.960 I thought this episode was absolutely beautiful. I talk about 1:50:30.160 --> 1:50:35.040 marrying young in chapter see the eleven or thirty eleven 1:50:35.120 --> 1:50:37.840 or something in Student of Love, and I love when 1:50:37.840 --> 1:50:38.360 I see. 1:50:38.160 --> 1:50:40.200 The fruit of that, when I see. 1:50:40.320 --> 1:50:43.879 When you marry young, it's not going to be easy 1:50:44.320 --> 1:50:46.360 no matter what age you get married, because we can 1:50:46.479 --> 1:50:49.880 argue getting married in your thirties or forties or fifties. 1:50:50.560 --> 1:50:53.360 Those couples are said in their ways. 1:50:53.800 --> 1:50:57.320 They may come together with different assets, They may have 1:50:57.360 --> 1:51:00.559 gone through divorce, they may have gone through having kids 1:51:00.760 --> 1:51:02.840 prior to meeting each other. They may have all these 1:51:02.880 --> 1:51:08.479 things that they bring into the marriage prior to they 1:51:08.520 --> 1:51:12.719 have those obstacles to go and you know, journey through. 1:51:14.000 --> 1:51:16.240 And then you get these other people that get married 1:51:16.280 --> 1:51:19.479 young and then they have the maturation phase and mature through. 1:51:19.800 --> 1:51:22.640 But that's the beauty of marriage. And so I just 1:51:22.880 --> 1:51:28.080 loved hearing their story, hearing their journey, hearing their you know, 1:51:28.240 --> 1:51:31.439 you know, I'm a fan of going from friend of fiance. 1:51:31.680 --> 1:51:35.599 I love the fact that Gods did an okie dokee 1:51:36.479 --> 1:51:38.360 on money because he was like, I ain't even think 1:51:38.400 --> 1:51:41.320 about marriage, and here he is talking about when you 1:51:41.360 --> 1:51:44.000 beat my girlfriend. So for yes or no, you go 1:51:44.040 --> 1:51:47.240 from that moment to hey, I'm gonna propose to you 1:51:47.360 --> 1:51:48.840 right here in this apartment, Like what's up? 1:51:48.880 --> 1:51:51.080 Will you be my wife? You know to know that, 1:51:51.760 --> 1:51:52.680 And a lot of. 1:51:52.680 --> 1:51:56.839 Guys use and it's a real it's a real excuse 1:51:56.920 --> 1:51:58.680 when they say, I've never seen it, so how do 1:51:58.720 --> 1:52:01.080 you expect me to ever have it as real? 1:52:01.320 --> 1:52:04.599 But you can also be what was never shown to you, yep. 1:52:04.680 --> 1:52:07.800 And I love that he was mad enough that he 1:52:08.240 --> 1:52:10.719 knew God enough to say I don't have to see 1:52:10.720 --> 1:52:13.120 it to be it. And as young kids, we were 1:52:13.120 --> 1:52:15.320 always taught. If you can see it, you can achieve it. 1:52:15.360 --> 1:52:17.800 You know what I'm saying, which is true, But also 1:52:17.880 --> 1:52:19.880 what happens if you don't have it. Then you can 1:52:19.880 --> 1:52:21.840 look to the heels with for what's coming, Your help, 1:52:21.880 --> 1:52:23.559 your health coming from the Lord. So you can look 1:52:23.600 --> 1:52:25.400 at God and say, God, teach me how to be 1:52:25.439 --> 1:52:28.000 a husband, teach me how to be a man, and 1:52:28.040 --> 1:52:31.000 teach me how to be a father. And I bet 1:52:31.040 --> 1:52:34.040 your money had no idea that the way he was 1:52:34.160 --> 1:52:38.519 fashioned would be healing. Haley in the in the in 1:52:38.560 --> 1:52:40.920 the Bible says, and as they went, they were healed. 1:52:41.240 --> 1:52:43.800 And so as y'all were going thro y'all's journey of love, 1:52:44.280 --> 1:52:46.160 y'all were finding healing for both y'all. 1:52:46.479 --> 1:52:47.320 It's reciprocal. 1:52:47.400 --> 1:52:50.879 He was finding healing in his mindset of not believing 1:52:50.880 --> 1:52:52.040 that it was attainable. 1:52:53.040 --> 1:52:54.960 So what was your takeaway? What do you like about 1:52:55.000 --> 1:52:55.800 this episode? 1:52:56.000 --> 1:52:56.160 Well? 1:52:56.400 --> 1:52:59.080 I loved what you said, and then I think one 1:52:59.080 --> 1:53:01.240 of the parts that I love the most was how 1:53:01.520 --> 1:53:06.479 Haley was talking about communication and just how intentional they 1:53:06.560 --> 1:53:10.639 have been in terms of learning what the other person 1:53:10.800 --> 1:53:15.559 needs when communicating, because they saw that as a challenge. 1:53:15.640 --> 1:53:18.559 And I love that they met that challenge head on 1:53:18.680 --> 1:53:21.320 and just said, we're not gonna let the things that 1:53:21.560 --> 1:53:25.080 cause other people to stumble affect us. And so I 1:53:25.120 --> 1:53:27.839 think that takes like both people to do that work. 1:53:28.200 --> 1:53:30.519 And I just thought the way that she described it 1:53:30.640 --> 1:53:35.000 was so beautiful and her temperament matching. I mean, I 1:53:35.000 --> 1:53:38.040 could just keep going on, but her being like I 1:53:38.120 --> 1:53:40.519 was a little bit difficult in him being like, I'm 1:53:40.520 --> 1:53:43.080 not gonna argue, and then I'm gonna have to come, 1:53:43.400 --> 1:53:45.640 you know, and meet you and have these conversations. Like 1:53:45.720 --> 1:53:49.519 the whole just the whole transparency of it all. I 1:53:49.560 --> 1:53:51.240 think it is really healing. 1:53:51.479 --> 1:53:54.400 So and I love that. I love that about y'all 1:53:54.520 --> 1:53:57.519 is that a lot of men are very they'll just 1:53:57.560 --> 1:53:59.559 walk away, you know what I'm saying. It's like we're 1:53:59.680 --> 1:54:03.479 trained that if a woman has been difficult, challenging, argumentative, whatever, 1:54:03.479 --> 1:54:04.280 we just walk away. 1:54:04.680 --> 1:54:06.200 And then men just keep doing that. 1:54:06.400 --> 1:54:09.360 And I would watch that on TV shows where they'll 1:54:09.400 --> 1:54:11.120 have an argument and what the dude do getting the 1:54:11.120 --> 1:54:13.720 car and drive off, take a long drive down the. 1:54:13.640 --> 1:54:14.479 Street, you know what I'm saying. 1:54:14.520 --> 1:54:16.559 I'd be like, what happens if you get in a 1:54:16.600 --> 1:54:17.280 car accident? 1:54:17.360 --> 1:54:18.920 And die, you know what I'm saying. 1:54:19.280 --> 1:54:22.240 And it's good that you remove yourself out of that situation, 1:54:22.400 --> 1:54:25.160 but that can't be a coping mechanism that anytime there's 1:54:25.640 --> 1:54:27.800 a conflict you get in a car and drive off, 1:54:28.040 --> 1:54:30.400 you know what I'm saying, because that can lead to 1:54:30.479 --> 1:54:32.880 a different level of insecurity with that woman to be like, well, 1:54:32.880 --> 1:54:34.760 where he goes he about to go be with another woman? 1:54:34.760 --> 1:54:36.280 What was he doing is he's on the phone talking 1:54:36.520 --> 1:54:39.960 because you're avoiding the situation. And so I love the 1:54:40.000 --> 1:54:43.800 fact that you were fearful because that was motivated by 1:54:43.920 --> 1:54:45.640 fear when you were like, I'm gonna go read to 1:54:45.680 --> 1:54:47.560 make sure it don't work out. But it was also 1:54:47.640 --> 1:54:50.160 wisdom because you said, I'm gonna read these books to 1:54:50.280 --> 1:54:54.520 figure out what causes marriage is to break down. Because 1:54:55.040 --> 1:54:57.640 your mindset was always like I'm waiting for the shooter drop. 1:54:57.680 --> 1:54:59.040 I'm waiting this it's too good to be true. It's 1:54:59.040 --> 1:55:00.320 it's too good to be true, is too good to 1:55:00.360 --> 1:55:00.720 be true? 1:55:01.160 --> 1:55:05.040 But it caused you to start being proactive and start saying, well, 1:55:05.080 --> 1:55:07.640 let me make sure that it doesn't you know, So 1:55:08.400 --> 1:55:09.280 that's great when. 1:55:09.240 --> 1:55:12.080 You write for your Key to Love, I said, be 1:55:12.120 --> 1:55:14.080 willing to grow and change. If you always do what 1:55:14.120 --> 1:55:16.920 you always did, you'll always be what you've always been. 1:55:17.920 --> 1:55:20.080 That's good, that's good. Look at her now, she's like, 1:55:20.080 --> 1:55:20.800 I don't want to remind. 1:55:20.840 --> 1:55:24.400 I want to say I wrote mine first. I need 1:55:24.480 --> 1:55:29.840 y'all to know I wrote I put willingness to grow, 1:55:30.080 --> 1:55:32.240 improve and love through the ups and downs. 1:55:32.360 --> 1:55:32.800 That's good. 1:55:33.200 --> 1:55:35.160 Trying to be like me so bad that you change 1:55:35.160 --> 1:55:39.320 the last name. First, first she moved to my state, 1:55:39.400 --> 1:55:42.160 then my city, changed the last name, and now she's 1:55:42.240 --> 1:55:43.600 right now in the same things as me. 1:55:43.760 --> 1:55:46.280 You know, you gotta looking. 1:55:46.320 --> 1:55:46.480 Look. 1:55:46.640 --> 1:55:53.040 Look, I can't say I put it if it is 1:55:53.080 --> 1:55:55.040 on willingness, because something. 1:55:55.160 --> 1:55:59.360 If you're willing get work, you're willing willing heart. 1:55:59.400 --> 1:56:00.680 That's what the bouble talks about. 1:56:01.080 --> 1:56:05.400 Listen, take a stand, go hang those both on the 1:56:05.440 --> 1:56:06.040 same hook. 1:56:06.320 --> 1:56:10.560 Find a hook up there, and you gotta go herself. 1:56:10.640 --> 1:56:11.600 Y'all both gotta go do the way. 1:56:12.200 --> 1:56:14.920 And while they're doing that, ask me the question again 1:56:14.960 --> 1:56:18.040 so I can redeem myself. No question was great, No, no, no, 1:56:18.080 --> 1:56:19.520 the question what did. 1:56:19.480 --> 1:56:22.600 You say about the phases? 1:56:21.080 --> 1:56:23.240 I order? 1:56:23.320 --> 1:56:25.760 All right, so we're going to ask this question again. Okay, 1:56:25.880 --> 1:56:26.680 So what. 1:56:26.760 --> 1:56:31.840 Are the phases of a relationship romantic relationship. 1:56:31.960 --> 1:56:37.120 Okay, there's the friendship first. Then there's a defining moment, 1:56:37.320 --> 1:56:41.400 which is a conversation, it's the aha moment. But I thought, 1:56:41.400 --> 1:56:43.480 I think defining is like a better way to describe it. 1:56:43.480 --> 1:56:46.600 So it's something defining, and then you can decide how 1:56:46.640 --> 1:56:49.800 you want to date, if you want to just you know, 1:56:50.240 --> 1:56:53.200 not be exclusive, or if you want to say, let's 1:56:53.240 --> 1:56:55.600 just lock in with each other because I really want 1:56:55.640 --> 1:56:58.320 to prioritize this. So then that would be like the 1:56:58.360 --> 1:57:02.920 third and fourth phase. And then but but again, I 1:57:02.920 --> 1:57:05.440 don't think you should get committed unless you're like very 1:57:05.440 --> 1:57:07.600 intentional and you think that this could be or forever, 1:57:08.080 --> 1:57:12.360 and then then you get engaged and then uh, and 1:57:12.360 --> 1:57:14.680 then you get married. Bam. 1:57:15.040 --> 1:57:16.400 Did we go through those phases? 1:57:16.720 --> 1:57:17.080 We did? 1:57:18.080 --> 1:57:20.920 Okay, So how how was our phase? 1:57:22.800 --> 1:57:23.200 It was? 1:57:23.280 --> 1:57:25.720 It was friendship defining moment? 1:57:26.080 --> 1:57:27.160 What was the defining moment? 1:57:27.640 --> 1:57:29.160 Well, you called me and you were like. 1:57:29.560 --> 1:57:31.960 Hey, what I say? 1:57:33.080 --> 1:57:36.000 I could cover you better than all them other in 1:57:36.080 --> 1:57:43.520 words defining and he meant it, this was my friend 1:57:43.520 --> 1:57:46.400 and he was like, I gotta tell you something, I 1:57:46.400 --> 1:57:49.720 could cover you better than all them others. I said, oh, okay, 1:57:49.720 --> 1:57:56.200 I'm listening, so defining right, yeah, and then and then dating, yeah, 1:57:56.360 --> 1:58:00.400 March eighteenth, or courting is better. It's courting better where 1:58:00.400 --> 1:58:02.120 if you want to go all biblical and all saved 1:58:02.160 --> 1:58:07.320 and sanctified according engagement marriage, that's my order and I'm 1:58:07.320 --> 1:58:07.880 sticking to it. 1:58:08.200 --> 1:58:08.360 Now. 1:58:08.400 --> 1:58:09.080 Back to Yeah, I. 1:58:10.920 --> 1:58:15.240 Like it, but it's the same thing as friends watching 1:58:15.280 --> 1:58:18.480 each other date other people. And it was like, and 1:58:18.560 --> 1:58:21.600 like you said, I'm seeing what these other people keep 1:58:21.600 --> 1:58:24.120 feeling at I hear what your needs are because I 1:58:24.120 --> 1:58:25.840 remember one time I just got frustrated when she talking me. 1:58:25.960 --> 1:58:26.560 I got frustrated. 1:58:26.560 --> 1:58:30.840 I was like, I'm hearing what you desire. I see 1:58:30.840 --> 1:58:33.840 the type of woman that you are. How are these 1:58:33.880 --> 1:58:35.160 guys mishandling you? 1:58:35.360 --> 1:58:38.360 Like? I know how I know how to serve you. 1:58:38.640 --> 1:58:40.040 And it's not hard things. 1:58:43.440 --> 1:58:44.080 I can do that. 1:58:46.920 --> 1:58:48.720 Do that. 1:58:49.240 --> 1:58:50.120 That's a challenge to. 1:58:51.800 --> 1:58:54.080 What he's like, I'm excel in that. 1:58:55.720 --> 1:58:56.640 As a matter of fact. 1:58:56.720 --> 1:59:02.040 As a matter of fact, here's my resume. I can 1:59:02.160 --> 1:59:03.160 do that. Well. 1:59:03.200 --> 1:59:05.920 Listen, it was a pleasure talking to y'all. Y'all were 1:59:06.000 --> 1:59:12.040 so vulnerable. That's gonna be the word of I made call. 1:59:12.400 --> 1:59:13.960 Let me ask you this. I used to say this 1:59:14.040 --> 1:59:17.040 in the earlier season of Dear Future Wife. If y'all 1:59:17.120 --> 1:59:20.960 were to name this episode based on what y'all shared today, 1:59:21.360 --> 1:59:23.840 what would be the name of this episode? You can 1:59:23.880 --> 1:59:27.280 put your microphone close to your money. Both y'all can talk. 1:59:27.320 --> 1:59:29.680 Y'all can have two different titles you want to. I 1:59:29.720 --> 1:59:31.640 just want to hear what y'all think about this story, 1:59:31.720 --> 1:59:34.680 y'all journey, y'all love journey. If it was a lifetime movie, 1:59:34.680 --> 1:59:35.480 what would it be called? 1:59:35.760 --> 1:59:38.640 Love after loss? Love after loss? What would you call it? 1:59:40.920 --> 1:59:45.200 I'll probably stick with the vulnerability topic and say you'll 1:59:45.240 --> 1:59:47.400 find vulnerable, You'll find strength in your vulnerability. 1:59:47.640 --> 1:59:51.000 You'll find strength in your vulnerability. That's good. Listen, may 1:59:51.080 --> 1:59:52.360 the love you shared today? 1:59:52.920 --> 1:59:54.800 No, let me ask you this for our close anything 1:59:54.840 --> 1:59:59.000 that we can support, y'all got anything coming up? What 1:59:59.040 --> 2:00:02.280 should we tell our listeners a lookout for? 2:00:02.800 --> 2:00:07.160 Come on, you guys are looking at the founders of 2:00:07.240 --> 2:00:10.440 Black Collective, so be on the lookout this year. There 2:00:10.440 --> 2:00:13.400 will be an update this fall of what you can expect. 2:00:13.520 --> 2:00:16.840 You'll already know a couple of conversations about journals and 2:00:16.920 --> 2:00:18.880 merch and things that we've been working on as a 2:00:18.880 --> 2:00:21.920 young married couple, because marriage is not just for people 2:00:21.960 --> 2:00:24.600 who are older. You can have a happy, healthy marriage, 2:00:24.640 --> 2:00:27.160 and you can be proactive. You don't have to be 2:00:27.200 --> 2:00:29.360 erotic dot and go through the streets and struggle first. 2:00:29.440 --> 2:00:33.360 I promise you, yes, but be on the lookout for 2:00:33.360 --> 2:00:33.800 that this fall. 2:00:33.920 --> 2:00:36.360 The Black collective, the Black Collective. I love it. I 2:00:36.400 --> 2:00:39.160 love it. May the love you share today outlive the 2:00:39.200 --> 2:00:39.800 season you're. 2:00:39.720 --> 2:00:42.800 In, may carry you through the days when words are 2:00:42.920 --> 2:00:45.240 few and faith has to do the talking. 2:00:45.360 --> 2:00:49.040 Y'all give it up for the black y'all. I'm glad 2:01:00.800 --> 2:01:06.880 because I know I'll do it. What they said, what 2:01:06.880 --> 2:01:07.280 they said. 2:01:07.480 --> 2:01:11.160 Yeah, but the love you share today, outlive the season 2:01:11.200 --> 2:01:11.800 you're in. 2:01:11.880 --> 2:01:14.400 May carry you through the days when words are few 2:01:14.640 --> 2:01:16.240 and it has to do the talking. 2:01:21.280 --> 2:01:22.000 And you know it. 2:01:24.520 --> 2:01:30.280 We go, okay, let's do it, amen. 2:01:34.160 --> 2:01:39.240 Ladarian thrust it suddenly into child protective Services. In twenty fifteen, 2:01:39.880 --> 2:01:44.520 my nephew, black a boy. The likelihood have been adopted 2:01:44.560 --> 2:01:49.880 outside of kinship slim to none Rmione, sixteen years old, 2:01:50.120 --> 2:01:53.720 black a boy with five years in the foster care 2:01:53.760 --> 2:01:57.200 system before I even knew his name. The likelihood have 2:01:57.280 --> 2:02:01.560 ever been adopted Yep, you guessed it. Slim to none. 2:02:03.080 --> 2:02:05.720 While Ladarian and our MONI were trying to survive and 2:02:05.760 --> 2:02:09.440 barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded Falseter care system, 2:02:09.480 --> 2:02:12.800 I was living my own life, doing well professionally, having 2:02:12.840 --> 2:02:14.880 been a single father with a daughter who at that 2:02:14.960 --> 2:02:17.560 point was doing well in college. It was my time 2:02:17.600 --> 2:02:18.600 to live my life right. 2:02:19.600 --> 2:02:19.960 Wrong. 2:02:21.000 --> 2:02:26.840 I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated. There are just too many 2:02:27.000 --> 2:02:30.440 of our Black children stuck in ambiguity and in the 2:02:30.520 --> 2:02:33.920 limbo of the Falter care system. In twenty seventeen, I 2:02:34.000 --> 2:02:35.959 legally adopted my nephew Ladarian. 2:02:36.600 --> 2:02:37.920 Fast forward to twenty nineteen. 2:02:37.960 --> 2:02:40.120 I had no ties to this other young king, but 2:02:40.160 --> 2:02:42.720 I felt God instructed me to adopt them also in 2:02:42.800 --> 2:02:46.880 I obabe starting over with parenting should have been enough. Right, 2:02:46.920 --> 2:02:49.720 Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help 2:02:49.720 --> 2:02:52.840 bring awareness to the countless young Black Kings and the 2:02:52.880 --> 2:02:55.920 Falter care system should have decreased my agitation. 2:02:56.120 --> 2:02:56.320 Right. 2:02:57.040 --> 2:02:59.640 Joining the board of directors of Advantage of Adoption, in 2:02:59.720 --> 2:03:03.320 organization that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in 2:03:03.360 --> 2:03:07.960 Falsil care should have led to some type of resolve right, No, 2:03:08.040 --> 2:03:10.920 not at all. None of it felt like I had 2:03:11.000 --> 2:03:15.560 done enough. I now realized that every one of those 2:03:15.640 --> 2:03:19.480 experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life's mission. 2:03:20.400 --> 2:03:24.480 Kingdom Royal. Kingdom Royal would be a luxury, state of 2:03:24.520 --> 2:03:27.920 the art home for foster boys. Our first location will 2:03:27.920 --> 2:03:30.680 be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex. We will utilize 2:03:30.680 --> 2:03:34.600 the whole person approach that instills identity, empowers them to 2:03:34.680 --> 2:03:38.720 advocate for themselves, and enlightens them regarding new perspectives and 2:03:38.840 --> 2:03:42.440 limitless options that they thought were impossible. 2:03:43.560 --> 2:03:43.760 Though. 2:03:43.760 --> 2:03:46.000 The young Kings will attend the local public schools that 2:03:46.040 --> 2:03:49.920 are in proximity to Kingdom Royal. Our at home curriculum 2:03:50.040 --> 2:03:53.520 will broaden their worldview through participating in the arts, attending 2:03:53.600 --> 2:03:58.480 various cultural events, learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions 2:03:58.520 --> 2:04:02.640 about current events and even in relevant historical contexts, introducing 2:04:02.680 --> 2:04:05.840 them to gardening and landscaping, and even caring for our 2:04:05.960 --> 2:04:09.960 animals on our form and on site stables. We just 2:04:10.080 --> 2:04:13.480 launched our startup capital campaign with the goal of raising 2:04:13.520 --> 2:04:15.600 two point eight million dollars. Now why two point eight 2:04:15.600 --> 2:04:18.960 million dollars? Well, in twenty seventeen, I created a web 2:04:19.000 --> 2:04:21.960 series in which I performed random acts of kindness for 2:04:22.080 --> 2:04:25.360 targeting the homeless community. One of the most notable successes 2:04:25.600 --> 2:04:28.640 was that one of the videos went viral, garnering twenty 2:04:28.800 --> 2:04:33.080 eight million views. However, one of my biggest regrets is 2:04:33.080 --> 2:04:35.400 that I didn't raise a single dollar to help in 2:04:35.480 --> 2:04:39.600 implementing a more sustainable plan for the homeless community. So, 2:04:39.720 --> 2:04:43.680 throughout the years, with much remorse, I reflect and I'm 2:04:43.760 --> 2:04:45.200 not maximizing that moment. 2:04:45.280 --> 2:04:46.400 I knew if at. 2:04:46.280 --> 2:04:49.720 That time just ten percent of the viewers donated one dollar, 2:04:50.240 --> 2:04:53.400 we would have raised at least two point eight million 2:04:53.440 --> 2:04:56.320 dollars that could have really established long term support for 2:04:56.360 --> 2:04:59.760 the homeless community, or at least started a long term. 2:04:59.560 --> 2:05:00.480 Initial to do. 2:05:00.560 --> 2:05:06.320 So this is my do over, this is our new beginning. Together, 2:05:06.640 --> 2:05:09.960 we can attack this at the route by specifically helping 2:05:10.040 --> 2:05:14.960 our homeless Black boys who are already disproportionately represented in 2:05:15.000 --> 2:05:16.920 the American fossil care system. 2:05:17.240 --> 2:05:18.480 I'm a terisarwhee Field. 2:05:18.480 --> 2:05:21.880 I've been nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work 2:05:21.920 --> 2:05:24.880 with the homeless as well as my personal adoption journey. 2:05:25.440 --> 2:05:29.879 Despite those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly 2:05:30.000 --> 2:05:35.720 providing the infrastructure for a transformed life. Visit Kingdomroyal dot 2:05:35.720 --> 2:05:39.360 com for more details, crown a king and make a 2:05:39.400 --> 2:05:42.839 donation today. 2:05:47.480 --> 2:05:49.840 I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dear Future 2:05:49.880 --> 2:05:50.680 WIFEI podcast. 2:05:50.800 --> 2:05:56.320 Remember belt live intentionally and transparently, and don't stop loving. 2:05:56.760 --> 2:05:59.760 Make sure to subscribe to our Dear Future WIFEI YouTube channel, 2:06:00.160 --> 2:06:03.720 available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, and Stitcher. We 2:06:03.880 --> 2:06:06.840 welcome your support. Simply share our podcasts with your friends 2:06:06.840 --> 2:06:07.280 and family.