WEBVTT - Apply To Marry Me (Guests: Craig & Khadijah Sharif-Drinkard) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:02.280 He said, an application process. You didn't have. 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:04.240 My buddy Craig filled out no application. 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:07.440 Did I Did I need some references? Give me three references. 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:08.680 You didn't have no references? 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:09.680 Yes, I did. 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:10.080 Didn't. 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.320 We did call the references and actually had he had interviews. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:15.960 A few friends of mine said they would have never 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:17.400 done it. I said, well, that's why you would never 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:17.840 marry me. 0:00:18.000 --> 0:00:21.520 That's it. Welcome to Bear Future Wifey podcast Kadiza and Craig, 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:22.760 Sharif Drinker. 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:23.560 How y'all doing. 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:24.800 We're doing great this one. 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:27.480 I also wanted to hear how you felt when you 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:29.160 initially got that application. 0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:31.320 Little ego, who are you thinking? 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:32.040 Right? 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:33.040 A little bit of that? 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:36.680 And then what I realized that this application was. 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:38.280 For her, but it was really about me. 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:41.920 There is and if I couldn't write anything on this paper, 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:43.080 who in mine to. 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:44.880 Be in her space and her face? 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:48.000 You're in law school at the time he was working 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:51.160 at budget. You weren't the type of woman back then 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:53.640 that said he has to be a doctor, going to 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:55.280 be like the Huxtables and. 0:00:55.040 --> 0:00:55.680 All that stuff. 0:00:55.720 --> 0:00:57.200 I had a must have less and a nice to 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.480 have less, right, and that must have less with somebody 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:02.240 who was gone first and foremost who gave reverence to God, 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:04.679 somebody who was a family person, and then also somebody 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:07.400 who had character integrity. Then I also said tall, I 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:08.440 ain't gonna lie. 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:11.080 Yeah, Kadija, how much we spent on our life? 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:14.720 Oh? Probably, like I was gonna say fifteen hundred, but 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:17.559 maybe eighteen hundred dollars. Yeah, we had a budget wedding. 0:01:17.920 --> 0:01:19.280 Like we said, we had no money really and my 0:01:19.360 --> 0:01:21.720 husband's I worked at budget and you had a budget exactly. 0:01:22.319 --> 0:01:25.200 I would not be who I am and what I 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:26.320 do without. 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:28.280 Just want to hear it is power, we imagine my 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:30.200 mission to get it, grow it, and give it away 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:32.360 is a leadership journey about what it looks like to 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:34.560 stand up in places that are not built for us, 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:37.120 to leave with impact and integrity, and to help people 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:39.800 understand how to use that power and that the power 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:41.759 that we have at home is connected to the power 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:42.680 that we have in the world. 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:46.480 You talk to a lot of successful black men, what 0:01:46.640 --> 0:01:49.720 do they say is the tension in the dating tool? 0:01:49.840 --> 0:01:53.720 They are not willing to sacrifice their peace to deal 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.400 with crazy because I have worked on myself and I'm 0:01:56.400 --> 0:01:58.800 not giving this up just because. 0:01:58.600 --> 0:02:00.600 What do you hear from the women. 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:14.880 I'm hearing a lot of things. 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:02.280 But. 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:13.280 What started as a search for understanding became a journey 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:17.200 of transformation. Every letter that I wrote led me to 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:22.080 this day, the day I got married November twenty second, 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:23.240 twenty twenty five. 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:29.480 Dear my forever, Forever is a long time. That's how 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:33.960 long I'll love you. Those lyrics echo through every fiber 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:36.079 of my soul at the very thought of you. 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:41.079 This journey has culminated with you as both the award 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:44.480 and the reward of my pursuit of love. You are 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:48.440 the award, the honor God placed before me, the recognition 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:51.080 of growth, healing and becoming the man I needed to be. 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:56.840 And you are the reward, the blessing given after endurance, 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:01.280 the gift promised to those who were fuse to faint. 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:06.320 This isn't just our story, this is for all of us. 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:08.360 I'm a Terrassaar Whitfield. 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:10.480 I'm Ashley our with Field. 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:17.720 Welcome to the Dear Future Wife Podcasts. Welcome to Dear 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:19.880 Future Wifie podcast. I'm your host of Terra Sar. 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:21.760 Wifield and I'm Ashley our with Field. 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:23.520 Listen, are you still shacking up with us? 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:25.480 Come on? If you're still shacking up with us, come on, 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:29.000 can we get a commitment? Hit that subscription button and subscribe. 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:31.520 Make sure you turn on your notification bell so you'll 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:34.440 be notified about upcoming episodes. Now y'all heard me say this, 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:36.920 it's so important for you to subscribe to the Dear 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:39.480 Future WIFEI podcast. Why. It's because we have a lot 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:42.920 of sponsors and advertisers who want to be connected to 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:45.280 the Dear Future WIFEI Podcast, but they want to know 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:49.280 that we have an engage audience that is consistent. ASA 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:51.480 and I looked over the metrics and the analytics, and 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:52.880 we found that fifty. 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.520 Two percent, fifty two percent. 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:57.880 Of people who listen to the podcast aren't even subscribed. 0:03:57.880 --> 0:03:58.360 That's a problem. 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:00.560 That is a major problem. 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:02.960 That means you find value in the content but won't 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:05.720 hit a free subscription button. But I bet you if 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:08.320 I check your Netflix account, you subscribe to that agent. 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:08.920 Uh huh. 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:10.960 Heymen, So I want you to make sure that you 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:13.480 subscribe to the Dear Future WIFEI podcast so we can 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:17.440 continue to put content out there for you and make 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:20.400 it free. A lot of podcasts that you may like, 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:24.680 a lot have gone to Patreon where they have to 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:27.400 get paid for the content, and they charge you for 0:04:27.520 --> 0:04:30.920 it in order to subsidize the cost that it takes 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:34.359 to put on these episodes every week. So just do 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:37.840 your part. Hit that subscription button. Listen. Today's episode is 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.640 gonna be extremely fun. We got Wisdom sitting on the 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:46.120 yellow couch, Ashley's personal friends. She's been knowing them for years? 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:47.880 How long you been knowing them? 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:48.760 How? 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:51.560 I ask them? How will will? 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:51.800 Will? 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:56.360 I believe I probably would say twenty fourteen is when 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:58.560 I met fourteen? 0:04:58.640 --> 0:05:00.360 So you want to introduce to me on music? Introduce 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:01.560 them you? 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:03.880 I like the way you introduce our guests. 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:06.480 Okay, So without further ado, welcome to give you to 0:05:06.520 --> 0:05:06.960 wife the. 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:12.520 Podcast, our homies, Produzia and Craig so Drinker. How y'all doing? 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:15.159 We're doing great? This one good Listen. 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:17.799 We're excited to have you on the podcast. Why why 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:18.760 don't you want to talk to them? 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:22.680 Well, I you know, besides the fact that we go 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:28.560 so far back, I am super excited because my big sis, 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:33.080 my mentor, my sorority sister has a brand new book 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:38.200 out with such great nuggets and information that we all 0:05:38.279 --> 0:05:42.680 need to consume, and so I'm excited about that, but 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:46.919 most importantly, I'm excited about their love journey and how 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:50.200 they came to be because I think it will offer 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:54.240 a lot of great wisdom and nuggets to are awesome 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:56.440 lit fam Kadijia. 0:05:56.800 --> 0:06:00.880 Yes, what do you do for a living? We're gonna 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:02.320 go ahead and just talk about what you do so 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.720 we can understand how you came to be well. 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.839 First and foremost today as not only in my author 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:11.080 thank you so much Ash for that, but also I 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:17.039 oversee a business affairs department at and so I spend 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:21.160 my days overseeing deal making and strategy for the network 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:22.320 and production studios. 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:23.359 Let's go. 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:29.280 Nework number one news network. 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:31.600 And so we're going to unpack a lot of that 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:35.320 just by understanding how you think, because I feel that's 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:37.800 quite interesting and Craig has to deal with that on 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:38.880 a database. 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:40.680 Every day every day. 0:06:40.760 --> 0:06:43.039 Craig, Yes, sir, what do you do? Who are you king? 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:47.200 I am the CEO of a private foundation that focus 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:49.239 on the city of north called the Victoria Foundation. 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:53.440 And so what I love about your story I had 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:55.960 people hear me say this over and over again. I 0:06:56.000 --> 0:07:00.480 had guests on the podcast, Jason Wilson, who's out of Detroit. 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:03.320 He built the Cave of Adulum, which is this young 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:06.400 male leadership program. And he and his wife Nicole when 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:10.120 they first met was she was an rin making way 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:13.040 more money than he made, and he worked two jobs 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:17.680 in order just to help support the family and felt 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:21.600 quite less than and was working hisself to the bones, 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:25.160 to the point to where he almost literally died because 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:28.480 a forklift almost fell on him when he fell off 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.360 of a loading dock backed up, and he said he 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:33.120 was looking up to the heavens and he had to 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:40.080 had to relearn what masculinity was because he felt like 0:07:40.200 --> 0:07:42.400 being you know, being a man, being a husband, you 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:44.920 have to be a provider financially. And he said, I'm 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:47.120 I'm I'm hurting myself. I don't even realize I have 0:07:47.200 --> 0:07:49.800 this partner here to help me. And he left me 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:52.160 with this quote and he said he and his wife 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:56.640 got it together together. He said, we got it together 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.360 together mean and that we're both we just we didn't 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.600 come into this marriage ready made, as you and I discussed, 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:04.920 as we all discussed prior to this episode, that we 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:08.360 helped build each other to where we want to be. 0:08:08.080 --> 0:08:08.200 Uh. 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:10.920 Before we unpack how y'all came to be and how 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:14.000 y'all got married? How does that quote resonate with you? 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:16.120 Creg Well, that has been that. 0:08:16.160 --> 0:08:18.680 I think the secret source of our marriage is that 0:08:19.160 --> 0:08:22.840 our communication around anything we wanted to do, whether it's 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:26.360 Kadida's early career journey and things that you want to do, 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:30.360 we set down every time and had a conversation like like, 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:32.240 what do you want to do? How does it going 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:34.760 to impact the other person? And let's figure out what's 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:36.800 the best way to kind of manage all the change 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:38.880 that's going to happen with any decision we needed to make. 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.120 Well, how did you who taught you that? Because a 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:44.160 lot of times we're introduced to more of the toxic 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:46.520 side of masculinity where I ain't gonna discuss, you ain't 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.680 gonna discuss with me what you're gonna do, You're gonna 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.440 come support what I gotta do, you gotta come follow me, 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:54.920 and it's not we're going to have this healthy conversation 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:55.760 about partnership. 0:08:55.960 --> 0:08:59.600 Yeah, I wish I had a clear example to say 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:03.640 I love this from. I think it was just how 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:06.280 I grew up, you know, very close with my mom 0:09:07.080 --> 0:09:09.840 before she passed, and I just just. 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:11.920 Learned from her just the nurturing side. 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:15.280 It helped me understand and listen, I pick up that 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:18.640 skill by sitting in the kitchen with her for for years, 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:19.160 for years. 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:22.360 Yeah, how important was that, Kadesion, Oh? 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:25.559 It was huge. Was game changer because to your point, 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:29.920 I've I've grown up in spaces where masculine masculinity looked 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:33.880 toxic actually right, and power looked like it was abusive 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:36.080 in many ways. And so for me to have a 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:39.000 husband and a person who was a partner in power 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:41.480 and in love be able to say to me some 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:44.960 version of let's talk about it, right, that's important and 0:09:45.000 --> 0:09:47.160 that's part of what I was looking for and made. 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:49.440 So it's a big it's a big deal. 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:51.720 Well let's go I would add that if I made 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:56.640 go ahead, that it didn't start off like that right away. 0:09:56.800 --> 0:10:01.080 You know, we came in as two individuals in love, right, 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:01.680 and you're. 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:02.360 Staying called love. 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:05.040 And then we had to learn how to live together 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:07.960 and like each other every day while still being in love. 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:09.760 And so we learned. 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.120 So I'll be honest, the first year or so, it 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:16.480 was a lot of who's going to be the strong one? 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.400 And I think for me it came down to the 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:21.400 point of what was most important. 0:10:21.440 --> 0:10:23.320 Was it more important for me to win this fight 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:25.679 or is it really more important for me to build 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:29.120 for the future. And I opted to build for the 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:30.520 future and not try to win a fight. 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:32.360 And you said it took about a year to get 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:34.319 to that, Yeah, I think so a little bit. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:35.760 Oh yeah, it was about the year. The first year 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:38.920 was a little rocky, but I think also to Craig's point, 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:42.120 it was because we were still understanding each other. We're 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:43.959 trying to figure out who we are as new people 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:46.240 to a marriage, because you're not the same person you 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:48.200 were as an individual, and then you have to start 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:52.719 to consider other people's personalities, feelings, timing, Do I say 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:54.760 this now, do I not say this now? I had 0:10:54.760 --> 0:10:56.959 to learn how to figure out, like how to pause things, 0:10:57.120 --> 0:10:59.400 maybe address it a little bit later, even if I 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:01.559 really thought it was important to say, maybe not at 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.480 the moment. So it was a lot of things that 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:05.679 we all be both learned, I think, in the process early. 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:09.040 But again, it's really a question of whether or not 0:11:09.120 --> 0:11:10.760 you want to be right or you want to be 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.120 right together, you know what I'm saying, And you can 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:16.440 be right personally about a particular issue, but you can 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:19.320 sacrifice your relationship oftentimes just because you want to make 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:21.360 a point versus actually trying to get right with the 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:26.240 other person. Years be married twenty nine in September nine, and. 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:30.240 We dated for eleven months before we got married. Oh yeah, 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:32.800 so it's not like we had like years together. So 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:36.480 when we got together, that first year was a little 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.959 intense because again, we were learning some things that normally 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.720 people have courtships over along a period of time. 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:46.520 Maybe they revealed themselves, but you know, we didn't have that. 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:50.679 Now, did you all have like some like oversight or 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.320 people kind of guiding you or was this really trial 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:53.920 by fire? 0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:58.600 Excellent question. Well let me say this so, well, so 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:01.600 we did have folks giving us some oversight in some 0:12:01.640 --> 0:12:03.680 ways because I actually, you know, we'll talk a little 0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:06.720 bit about this through the application process that I asked 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:09.080 him to fill out and he. 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:11.840 Said, an application process, Yeah you had. 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:14.440 You didn't have, My buddy Craig filled out no application 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:16.640 digit I did, Oh, we're gon, we're gonna get to that. 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:19.119 Go ahead now, you said, yeah, Because. 0:12:18.880 --> 0:12:21.040 I think a big part of it was I wanted 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:24.040 to understand who Craig was in totality, and I wanted 0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:26.680 him to actually lay out who he was. Also, I 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:29.280 thought it was important to have transparency up front, to 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:31.880 have clarity and to make sure we understood what this 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:33.800 was gonna be. I didn't know what it was yet, 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:35.480 so I was like, well, tell me about yourself. And so, 0:12:35.840 --> 0:12:38.040 long story short, I asked him not only to fill 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:40.720 out an application to tell me you know who he was, 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:43.160 give us some mission statement of sorts to read through, 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:47.119 give me a sense of your resume. I need some references, 0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:53.200 give me three references. Yes, yes I did. You didn't 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.280 call the We did call the references, and actually we 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:58.480 had and he had interviews. He had to sit and 0:12:58.520 --> 0:13:00.160 talk to some people that I asked him to talk 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:03.080 to to make sure that they could vouch for, you know, 0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:05.079 for me, like whether or not he was somebody I 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:07.120 should pursue or you know, and understand like what this 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:10.719 was going to be. And I was twenty four years old. 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:11.960 Who told you do that? 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:14.560 I just knew that I had enough life experience that 0:13:14.640 --> 0:13:19.000 I saw you on this a long time, said, because 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:21.040 I knew what it looked like if we didn't ask 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.320 the questions. And so I was like, ask these questions 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.440 up front and more importantly, half other people help in 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.040 the process, like make it a communal process. So that's 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:31.280 just not me bringing somebody home. It's like my mama 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:33.800 and my auntie, my cousins. Everybody's like, Okay, who is 0:13:33.880 --> 0:13:36.000 this young man that wants to talk to you? And 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:37.960 then let's see, let's see if we can all talk 0:13:38.000 --> 0:13:39.880 to him together as a conducial So it wasn't just. 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.640 No boyfriend situation. Now when you were talking to him, 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:43.800 you were betting husband. 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:46.199 I was betting husband. I was betting and to be honest, 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:48.200 I was on a hiatus from dating anybody. So I 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:49.480 was like, if you want to be in my space, 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:52.160 we need to understand what this even is. What what 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:54.480 are you coming with? Who are you and how are 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:55.640 you going to show up? And how are you going 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:57.360 to help improve my life? Like what are you bringing 0:13:57.360 --> 0:13:59.079 to the party? Twenty four years? 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:01.600 So it was the appletic was that, like the first 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:04.760 time y'all met, Like at what point? 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:06.959 So it was a few months into it, So a 0:14:07.000 --> 0:14:08.520 few months and so a good friend of I was 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:10.480 introduced us and have been trying to for a while, 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:14.280 and I was and I was like, no, I'm not 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:15.920 really interested. I'm in law school. I have a lot 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:18.280 going on, a lot in my life. I moved back home. 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.880 My mother was fighting cancer, my little sister was six 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:24.240 years old. I had a lot going on. I was 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:25.800 in Jersey City, but I moved ba to the projects 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:28.680 in Harlem. I went back to Harlem to my two bedroom, 0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:31.160 three bedroom house, apartment whatever we lived in at that point. 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:33.320 And the crazy part was, I was like, I don't 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:35.920 have time. So who is this young man who's so nice? 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:40.520 Nice young man, but don't have time. I didn't have 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:40.960 time for this. 0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:42.960 I didn't have time. 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:45.840 She thought, Well, that's why. 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:47.280 I was like, okay, so what is it that you're 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:51.040 trying to accomplish? And so he actually had the truth. 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:52.600 He told that he came to me. He said he 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:55.200 wanted to do an event. He wants to plan a 0:14:55.200 --> 0:15:03.160 pro a program. Well, he wants to plan a program. 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:05.840 He did, but I didn't know that was a program. 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:10.040 And so fast forward we find out that the program 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:12.680 was the wedding. But I didn't know that was the program. 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:14.520 I thought of what he said, it was a youth program, 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:16.440 because both of us work with young people a lot. 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:18.160 So that was the thing that he said wanted to 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:19.920 get to me. So he finally came over one day 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:21.720 and we've taught had this conversation. I said, well, if 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:23.800 this is what you you're trying to do, I need 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:25.840 to understand more about you. But you're gonna have to 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:28.480 fill out some paperwork and then you're gonna have to 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:30.400 sit for some interviews and we're gonna have to understand 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.920 this whole thing. And I'm just serious. And it's a 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:34.600 few friends of mine said they would have never done it, 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:36.240 and I said, well, that's why you would never married me. 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:38.120 That's it because you have. 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:41.880 To understand so you know, like the the requirements of 0:15:42.080 --> 0:15:43.680 what it is that you need. And I think this 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:46.720 was my own purpose and process of vetting. You don't 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:48.320 have to do this particular thing, but I think that 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:52.120 everybody should be vetted. Everybody should have a process everybody, 0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:54.120 however you choose to do it. You need to be 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.400 able to say to yourself, I deserve somebody who has X, 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:00.880 and I'm bringing why and I'm looking for z fuss 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.080 to bill together. And that's what I personally did at 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:04.840 twenty four, and I thought it worked out. 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:09.280 What do you think I was just gonna say that 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:12.800 when she first told you well, first, when the friend said, 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:15.200 I have a friend that I would like to introduce 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:15.440 you to. 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:19.840 So actually they had shared that with our friend that 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:23.080 is a couple. The wife shared it with her that 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:26.200 she wanted U has onone for me. I didn't I 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.880 didn't know any okay, So actually we met at a conference. 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:31.240 I didn't know that all these. 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.080 Years, I didn't know that. 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:37.720 I never knew that. 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:39.640 I never knew that. 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:42.680 She just told me. She just told you, So then 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:44.800 why are you You saw me like you didn't really 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:45.760 want me. 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:49.240 So let's make the record straight. 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:52.800 I was actually it was a conference, one day conference, 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.120 and I was actually working at the conference. 0:16:55.120 --> 0:16:57.120 So I was volunteering to work at the conference. 0:16:57.600 --> 0:16:58.520 And when the. 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.960 Friend introduced us, I was actually in the middle of 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.800 making sure things from one workshop to the other was 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:08.800 transitioning properly. And we met, I said, you know, pleasure. 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:08.800 To meet you. 0:17:10.240 --> 0:17:12.879 She took me as being rude. My mom was thinking 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:15.160 about the program using work mode. 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:17.400 I was in work mode right because I was there 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:17.679 to do. 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:20.960 I was showing who I was committed. 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:23.680 To be focused. 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.040 And then later on at the end of the program, 0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:30.159 we had a chance to sit down and communicate and 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:33.240 we exchange numbers and I pursued her. 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:35.680 Right, this is true different. 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:41.320 He was interested, But I would say I would say 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:46.919 though before that when she when she came in, I 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:49.840 noticed a lot of people in that conference who I respected. 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:54.520 The excitement and joy that they displayed by seeing her 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:57.720 made me say who is this woman? Because people and 0:17:57.800 --> 0:18:01.520 I really like had deep love and respect for and 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:03.920 for them to be that excited about. 0:18:03.680 --> 0:18:06.399 This person coming in the door, I was like, wow, 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:07.640 I know. 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:08.119 Who this is. 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:11.880 I need to know who this is, right, exactly sweet. 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:16.159 And so you felt that he wasn't that interested and 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:17.200 he was acting shy. 0:18:17.440 --> 0:18:19.320 Well yeah, because at first when she introduced us, she 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:22.239 was like, you know, you know, this is Kditra, this 0:18:22.280 --> 0:18:23.520 is Craig, you know. So I was like, I sounded 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:25.120 like him. He was like like he k like went 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.040 over and did something else and I was like, oh, okay, 0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:31.360 well that was interesting, right, And then I didn't even 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:32.760 know if that was him until she said, oh, that's 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:34.639 who I want you to meet, and I was like, 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:37.119 oh okay. I said, well he was interesting, you know, 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:39.480 like he was cute, but he was interested. He was 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.720 gone on to something else he did. But the thing 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:45.320 I will tell you though, is that so as we 0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:47.159 moved to the next room, because it's all these different 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:48.720 pans and all this stuff that was, you know, on 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:51.679 the program. So I sit down at the table and 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.080 then you know, I'm sitting next to some other people chatting, 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:55.560 and then I see you that he's sitting next to me, 0:18:55.600 --> 0:18:58.640 and I'm like, oh, it's you. Okay. Then I get 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:00.159 up and I move because I'm talking to somebody use 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:02.200 again and just moving around the room, and I realized, 0:19:02.240 --> 0:19:04.280 I'm like, oh with you again. Oh he's next to 0:19:04.280 --> 0:19:06.320 me again. And everyplace I moved, I felt like he 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:07.560 was sitting next to me each time. 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:08.640 Was you doing that on purpose? 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:10.679 I think I have a different recollection. 0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:16.879 But I'm gonna let her own it, right, I'm prone 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:19.320 to forget his own number. 0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:22.479 It was cute. 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:25.160 It was cute, but I mean, I'll I'll just put 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:27.280 it this way. We were connected a few times in 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:30.000 that during that day because I kept I kept feeling 0:19:30.000 --> 0:19:31.520 like he was right. Then I was like, oh boy, 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:33.640 he is just really like moving around the room too. 0:19:33.760 --> 0:19:36.680 Is he following me? And then when we were time 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:39.000 to leave, he gave me his card, and on the 0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:40.639 card he gave me a few numbers, and I mean 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:43.439 a few by like five. I was like, I was like, 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:45.600 he had a beep of two. I was like, this is. 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:47.600 Late nineties, right, I'm. 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:49.680 Like, dude, I'm not gonna be calling me all these places. 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:54.120 Just call me exactly by the back of the car. 0:19:54.200 --> 0:19:55.840 And so I was like, Okay, so clearly he's gonna 0:19:55.840 --> 0:19:59.879 call me. You just called me, d he called me call? Yeah. 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:01.280 How long did you wait to call. 0:20:02.720 --> 0:20:03.400 Later that week? 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:06.280 It was, yeah, a couple of days, A. 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:09.040 Couple of days a Saturday maybe by that Wednesday. 0:20:09.840 --> 0:20:11.960 And when you called, what were you calling for? 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.600 You know, that's a great question, what would you call 0:20:17.680 --> 0:20:17.919 them for? 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:21.240 When I was I was fulfilling my commitment and said 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:23.040 I was going to call on your word. 0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:24.440 I was on my word. 0:20:24.640 --> 0:20:27.760 And I was curious one to follow up on the 0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:30.480 project because we did say that we wanted to write 0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:34.399 an article around the program that we had pulled together, 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:36.320 and she had volunteered to. 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:40.000 You know, she was a journalist for the Muslim journals. 0:20:40.040 --> 0:20:41.480 She was one of their staff writers. 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:44.560 And so I reached out from the stat on behalf 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:47.400 of the organization to fill in any information she may 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:49.920 have needed. So that was part one, and then Bartu 0:20:50.160 --> 0:20:52.560 is that I did want to know who this person was. 0:20:53.920 --> 0:20:57.520 At what point did it turn romantic instead of it 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:01.480 start off with interest? What made you interested more in 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:02.720 her on a romantic level? 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:10.840 You know, as we started talking right away, it went quickly. 0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:12.560 From you know how when you sometimes you meet someone 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:16.520 it's light and nonsubstantive. 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:21.240 I was kind of shifted quickly to more substance. 0:21:22.080 --> 0:21:25.120 Her mom was, you know, she mentioned earlier, was recovering 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:28.040 from cancer. I had lost my mother about a decade 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:32.080 before that, so I knew the serieses of that we 0:21:32.240 --> 0:21:34.280 talked about. I think I shared with you some of 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:37.119 the things I remember my mom going through, particularly with 0:21:38.680 --> 0:21:42.959 chemo and radiation, Like, hey, this may happen, medicine may 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:44.840 have advanced, but this is what we So we ended 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:46.639 up having conversations. 0:21:46.160 --> 0:21:48.119 At that level, like really early. 0:21:48.440 --> 0:21:50.800 She was in law school, so I realized she was 0:21:50.840 --> 0:21:54.000 balancing a lot with her mom, with law school, her 0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:57.320 other assignment she had with law school, and she had 0:21:57.359 --> 0:21:59.719 a little sister that she had to make sure moved around. 0:21:59.760 --> 0:22:02.280 So I was in Jersey, she was in New York, 0:22:02.320 --> 0:22:05.679 and you know, I would drive from Jersey to New 0:22:05.760 --> 0:22:08.560 York sometimes just to take her from law school and 0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:10.920 drive her home. Really, and we would just at midnight, 0:22:11.160 --> 0:22:13.280 yeah really, and then drive back home just so we 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:14.800 can continue the conversation. 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:18.080 That's good. Yeah, that's good. So she was twenty three, 0:22:18.119 --> 0:22:21.320 and y'all have an age difference, what four years, five years? 0:22:21.440 --> 0:22:23.720 And so you drove over there to pick up What 0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:25.960 did that mean to you for him to want that 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:28.520 level of quality time, even if it's just an hour 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:28.840 or so. 0:22:29.359 --> 0:22:31.239 No, it's it was a game changer, because I mean, 0:22:31.280 --> 0:22:33.920 you know, I was literally like my days were crazy, 0:22:34.080 --> 0:22:39.600 I literally were I was in the law school classes 0:22:39.720 --> 0:22:41.880 during the day. I would get my little sister at 0:22:41.880 --> 0:22:44.560 like three o'clock from school. I would take her home. 0:22:44.640 --> 0:22:47.040 I would go get them fed, go back to law 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:49.359 school to deal my cases. I had some cases in 0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:52.199 the clinic that I was litigating in and then I 0:22:52.240 --> 0:22:54.919 had classes and homework and my professors were there helping me, 0:22:54.960 --> 0:22:57.320 and they understood like all the challenges, and so by 0:22:57.320 --> 0:22:58.560 the time I get out of the look out of 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:00.520 the library, it was like, I don't know, some version 0:23:00.560 --> 0:23:02.240 of like midnight, one o'clock in the morning. 0:23:02.320 --> 0:23:02.560 Wow. 0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:04.240 And then Craig would be waiting outside in the car 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:07.160 to take me home, then to drive back to Jersey 0:23:07.640 --> 0:23:09.399 just to make sure I got home. Okay. Yeah, so 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:12.560 it was really yeah. Yeah, and sometimes I think it's 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:13.920 had to be there like a five or six o'clock 0:23:14.000 --> 0:23:17.720 some days. Yeah, she was. 0:23:17.680 --> 0:23:19.280 All right, all right, right. 0:23:19.680 --> 0:23:21.800 You would go and sit outside wait till she leave, 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:23.959 take up there, and then go back home and then 0:23:24.080 --> 0:23:25.720 probably go to sleep about three hours and then go 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:27.680 to work four hours and get it and go to work. 0:23:27.920 --> 0:23:28.200 Yeah. 0:23:28.520 --> 0:23:33.280 I remember when when our first early interactions. 0:23:33.320 --> 0:23:38.280 I came over one Saturday and you didn't know. 0:23:37.840 --> 0:23:42.200 I said something about I will cook. He was like cook. 0:23:42.720 --> 0:23:43.920 She know I know how to cook. 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:45.120 He knows how to cook. 0:23:45.160 --> 0:23:47.960 And so we went to the supermarket to buy some food. 0:23:48.800 --> 0:23:50.879 And I think she was still skeptical if I know 0:23:50.960 --> 0:23:54.040 how to cook. And we're in the supermarket and we 0:23:54.040 --> 0:23:58.320 were we were fighting over paying at the register. 0:23:58.080 --> 0:24:00.640 And I was like, I'm not going to let like yeah. 0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:03.240 She was like I got it. 0:24:03.440 --> 0:24:03.640 Yeah. 0:24:03.640 --> 0:24:05.359 So I went and we took the food back to 0:24:05.400 --> 0:24:07.520 her mother's apartment and. 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:10.000 I cooked the meal for her mom. A little sister 0:24:10.040 --> 0:24:11.600 in Kadiji, and we all had dinner together. 0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:12.119 Things like that. 0:24:12.560 --> 0:24:16.080 Yeah, the first time I actually went to the matter 0:24:16.119 --> 0:24:17.960 of fact, the first time I went to go see 0:24:18.040 --> 0:24:20.760 Khadija a couple I think a week or so after 0:24:20.800 --> 0:24:23.800 we first met, uh, I spent more time sitting the 0:24:23.840 --> 0:24:25.639 couch talking to her mother than talking to Kdija. 0:24:25.680 --> 0:24:28.840 Yeah, I didn't know much about talk for like two hours. 0:24:29.560 --> 0:24:30.800 I talked for two hours on the couch. 0:24:30.880 --> 0:24:34.480 Yeah. I was in the kitchen cooking and organizing things. 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:35.879 And my mother said to me at the end of 0:24:35.880 --> 0:24:37.639 the night, he was a nice young man. I said, oh, 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:39.639 was he? I didn't know much because I didn't get 0:24:39.640 --> 0:24:41.240 to talk with him that much. He said, oh, yeah, 0:24:41.280 --> 0:24:44.000 he's funny too. She had all these things to say, 0:24:44.040 --> 0:24:46.440 and I kept saying, that's interesting. I didn't get to 0:24:46.480 --> 0:24:48.159 see much. I didn't get to know him, you know, 0:24:48.200 --> 0:24:51.080 that much that evening. But but then he came back 0:24:51.160 --> 0:24:52.439 and then so I got to talk to him more. 0:24:52.480 --> 0:24:53.840 But my mother had all the details. 0:24:53.920 --> 0:24:55.800 Let me tell you, so, so did your mom. Did 0:24:55.840 --> 0:24:58.159 you get a sense of approval when your mom was 0:24:58.200 --> 0:24:59.680 talking about him. 0:24:59.000 --> 0:25:01.879 M you know how your mama do. When she was like, 0:25:02.160 --> 0:25:04.800 he's a nice young man, she went right there. I 0:25:04.840 --> 0:25:11.399 was like, okay, Mama. Once came in at one time, right, 0:25:11.440 --> 0:25:12.600 But it was really comfortable. 0:25:12.840 --> 0:25:16.439 Yeah, it was really comfortable sitting there talking with her mom. 0:25:16.560 --> 0:25:20.520 And even today we're still cool. We have a special 0:25:20.560 --> 0:25:21.640 relationship with your mother in. 0:25:21.840 --> 0:25:24.320 Yeah, that's so funny. They're like two peas in the pod. 0:25:24.600 --> 0:25:27.520 Yeah something. 0:25:28.119 --> 0:25:29.800 But you see how beautiful that is. 0:25:29.880 --> 0:25:32.199 You said you lost your mom ten years prior to 0:25:32.920 --> 0:25:37.160 you know, yeah, meeting her mom, and then the first 0:25:37.600 --> 0:25:40.399 encounter you have was more of a connection with her 0:25:40.480 --> 0:25:43.640 mom than even the woman that you were interested in, exactly. 0:25:43.680 --> 0:25:46.639 That's the beautiful It's just how God works. It's like, 0:25:47.600 --> 0:25:49.440 why did that have to happen like that, you know 0:25:49.480 --> 0:25:51.600 what I'm saying. It's like why y'all could have met 0:25:51.640 --> 0:25:54.280 somewhere else? Your mom couldn't even didn't even have to 0:25:54.320 --> 0:25:56.520 be a part of that discussion, right, And then it 0:25:56.600 --> 0:25:59.119 was like this moment that you got a chance with 0:25:59.119 --> 0:26:00.920 her mom and you said you are still think of 0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:04.639 thieves his very day. Yeah, yeah, this is absolute beautiful. 0:26:04.680 --> 0:26:05.919 I love not hear moments like that. 0:26:06.080 --> 0:26:08.520 You say something I was about to say, so we 0:26:09.560 --> 0:26:11.960 wanted to all. I also wanted to hear how you 0:26:12.000 --> 0:26:14.720 felt when you initially got that application, because I think 0:26:14.720 --> 0:26:17.320 it's one thing to know it's coming, but then it's 0:26:17.359 --> 0:26:19.160 another thing to be on the receiving end of it. 0:26:19.359 --> 0:26:21.879 So two things, well, a few things. 0:26:22.040 --> 0:26:24.800 One I knew I couldn't share this with none of 0:26:24.800 --> 0:26:26.840 my homeboys for they to clown me right to. 0:26:29.480 --> 0:26:32.040 Application all that. 0:26:34.640 --> 0:26:36.800 Now when they found out, they're. 0:26:36.560 --> 0:26:39.479 Like, what, yeah, I'm catching it now. For some from 0:26:39.560 --> 0:26:42.160 my friends who read their book, like, yo, man, you didn't. 0:26:42.000 --> 0:26:43.399 Tell me that. 0:26:44.480 --> 0:26:48.440 You don't come up in conversations things we just know. Yeah, 0:26:49.119 --> 0:26:52.080 So one show it was. It was that first one. 0:26:52.119 --> 0:26:55.240 I think the second one was a little ego like. 0:26:55.800 --> 0:26:56.399 Who are you thinking? 0:26:56.960 --> 0:26:57.120 Right? 0:26:57.160 --> 0:26:59.600 A little bit of that, but then you you have 0:26:59.680 --> 0:27:01.520 this this more I speak for me. 0:27:01.560 --> 0:27:02.720 I had this moment and I was. 0:27:02.640 --> 0:27:06.399 Like, hmm, let's pause for a second. And then what 0:27:06.520 --> 0:27:10.760 I realized that this application was for her, but it 0:27:10.800 --> 0:27:11.679 was really about me. 0:27:12.000 --> 0:27:14.359 There it is right, there is. 0:27:14.400 --> 0:27:16.680 And if I couldn't write anything on this. 0:27:16.800 --> 0:27:20.840 Paper, if I didn't have any people who I could 0:27:21.200 --> 0:27:24.040 put up to say, let me speak to his. 0:27:24.160 --> 0:27:26.760 Character there it is? Who am I to be in 0:27:26.800 --> 0:27:28.200 her space and her face? 0:27:28.440 --> 0:27:28.680 Yep? 0:27:33.720 --> 0:27:36.600 I would say that that was That was probably more 0:27:36.600 --> 0:27:39.439 in the more deep into subconscious. 0:27:40.560 --> 0:27:42.480 As almost married thirty years. 0:27:42.880 --> 0:27:45.919 I could admit it, and I can admit it now loud. 0:27:45.640 --> 0:27:47.399 But really it came out there and I had to 0:27:47.440 --> 0:27:50.040 look at that. When I wrote it, I was like. 0:27:50.520 --> 0:27:51.880 Hmm, not bad. 0:27:52.280 --> 0:27:54.440 You got some gaps here, not so much for her, 0:27:54.560 --> 0:27:56.800 but some things that you still want to do for yourself. 0:27:56.880 --> 0:27:58.080 Yeah, so lit up. 0:27:58.560 --> 0:28:01.040 So then what stage that the app case and get introduced. 0:28:01.600 --> 0:28:04.760 Oh so we were probably talking like about three months. 0:28:04.760 --> 0:28:07.040 And then I was like, okay, look, you know I 0:28:07.080 --> 0:28:09.640 have spent a lot of time in my life analyzing 0:28:10.400 --> 0:28:12.920 all the things that were twenty four at twenty four ye. 0:28:17.119 --> 0:28:23.800 You know years old talk about right, that's but you 0:28:23.840 --> 0:28:24.120 know you. 0:28:24.080 --> 0:28:26.439 See a lot of twenty four and so were you 0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:28.479 guys fit? Like what did you? How did you all? 0:28:28.520 --> 0:28:32.199 Because some people don't believe in boyfriend girlfriends, people do like, 0:28:32.240 --> 0:28:34.399 what would you how would you describe your relationship? 0:28:34.400 --> 0:28:37.040 Three months? So I think three months you were about. 0:28:36.800 --> 0:28:41.040 To say, No, I don't want to get this wrong. 0:28:42.880 --> 0:28:46.200 I don't get this wrong. I wouldn't say we were 0:28:46.200 --> 0:28:48.040 a boyfriend and girlfriend because I don't think that that 0:28:48.120 --> 0:28:50.160 was I think that we were trying to understand if 0:28:50.160 --> 0:28:53.080 this was going to be a courtship for me or 0:28:53.120 --> 0:28:55.360 a commitment because I was I was interested in being 0:28:55.400 --> 0:28:57.400 then girlfriend. I was like, I don't have time for it, 0:28:58.200 --> 0:29:00.280 So what is it that we're doing here? But that 0:29:00.360 --> 0:29:02.000 was the application process. It was like, this is the 0:29:02.000 --> 0:29:04.080 reason why the application needs to come up, because if 0:29:04.080 --> 0:29:05.560 you you can come and hang out with us and 0:29:05.560 --> 0:29:08.240 talk we were friends, that's nice, but what are we doing? 0:29:08.360 --> 0:29:10.560 I need to understand that. So that was actually really 0:29:10.840 --> 0:29:13.760 my way of nudging to say, put on paper, bro, 0:29:14.120 --> 0:29:15.960 what you're trying to do here? I need to understand it. 0:29:16.000 --> 0:29:17.120 Do you remember how you said? 0:29:17.160 --> 0:29:19.920 Because I know a lot of the women, Okay, walk 0:29:19.960 --> 0:29:22.440 us through how you communicated to him? 0:29:22.760 --> 0:29:25.080 Yeah. So I think we were putting dishes that we 0:29:25.080 --> 0:29:28.160 were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and he was helping. 0:29:28.200 --> 0:29:29.720 I think I was washing, he was drying or whatever 0:29:29.760 --> 0:29:31.640 the dishes and we were chatting, and I was just like, 0:29:31.680 --> 0:29:32.720 you know, so what are we doing? 0:29:32.760 --> 0:29:34.960 I was putting up. 0:29:35.000 --> 0:29:37.520 Okay, well okay, well we were we were together, we 0:29:38.000 --> 0:29:41.040 were doing the dish. We were doing the dishes together. 0:29:42.800 --> 0:29:45.080 I think I asked him something like, so what is this? 0:29:45.120 --> 0:29:46.200 What are we doing? 0:29:46.320 --> 0:29:46.400 Like? 0:29:46.440 --> 0:29:49.960 How what do we what are you what's happening here exactly? 0:29:50.040 --> 0:29:53.040 Because you know, now, mind you, I had already said, 0:29:53.120 --> 0:29:54.479 you know, I was done with a lot of other 0:29:54.520 --> 0:29:56.400 stuff in life, and I was just trying to make sure, 0:29:56.480 --> 0:29:58.120 like I don't need anybody else to take care of 0:29:58.200 --> 0:30:01.240 per se. I don't mind being a partner in something, 0:30:01.320 --> 0:30:02.840 but I need to understand, like what is it that 0:30:02.880 --> 0:30:05.280 the person is bringing. So I asked him, I salf so, 0:30:05.520 --> 0:30:07.600 you know, I have some ideas about how we can 0:30:07.640 --> 0:30:09.160 get to what we're trying to do, but what is 0:30:09.200 --> 0:30:10.440 it that you want to do? And he was like, 0:30:10.800 --> 0:30:12.520 you know, I want to be with you. I think 0:30:12.520 --> 0:30:13.920 that was his answer. And I was like, well what 0:30:13.960 --> 0:30:16.360 does that look like? And then he was like, you know, 0:30:16.520 --> 0:30:18.360 like together and I was like, okay, well I have 0:30:18.480 --> 0:30:21.280 I have a process figure and then he said, well 0:30:21.320 --> 0:30:22.920 what are you thinking. I was like, I'll get back 0:30:22.960 --> 0:30:25.880 to you, but it's going to require an application. And 0:30:25.920 --> 0:30:27.280 then I was like it was that, and then I said, 0:30:27.360 --> 0:30:29.280 I'll give you some stuff and you can get back 0:30:29.320 --> 0:30:31.160 to me and we'll have a because you have a 0:30:31.160 --> 0:30:34.280 two week process time to kind of get all your 0:30:34.280 --> 0:30:37.840 paperwork together, and then i'll let you know after you submittion. 0:30:38.360 --> 0:30:42.880 How did you have this application pre made? No? Created 0:30:42.880 --> 0:30:45.880 it right? No, it was It wasn't making. I had 0:30:45.920 --> 0:30:47.960 to organize it and stuff. But I knew what in 0:30:48.040 --> 0:30:50.600 my mind I was percolating like what I needed to know, 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:52.800 And I was like, we're going to need to figure 0:30:52.840 --> 0:30:54.760 out some things, and I want to see it on paper, 0:30:54.760 --> 0:30:57.160 because you know, listen, we do all this stuff for jobs, 0:30:57.640 --> 0:31:01.200 for internships, for colleges, right, we do all the business 0:31:01.200 --> 0:31:03.720 stuff to make sure that we get the job right. 0:31:03.760 --> 0:31:06.640 We got the right position, the right title, the right everything. 0:31:07.360 --> 0:31:09.360 And then in our lives we were just floating our 0:31:09.400 --> 0:31:12.640 lives when something take up space, right, we always want 0:31:12.640 --> 0:31:14.200 to be chosen. We don't want to do the choosing. 0:31:14.320 --> 0:31:16.760 I want to be choosing and chosen. And so I 0:31:16.880 --> 0:31:18.840 was like, we're gonna need to have a process here, 0:31:19.160 --> 0:31:21.720 and I want him that's right, right, And I want 0:31:21.800 --> 0:31:24.840 him to feel like also that he is getting the 0:31:24.840 --> 0:31:26.720 best that he needs for him because maybe we weren't 0:31:26.760 --> 0:31:28.360 just compatible, we would have a good time together. Maybe 0:31:28.400 --> 0:31:30.840 we weren't supposed to be married. Just figure that out 0:31:30.880 --> 0:31:32.720 real quick, right, And then we have our parents and 0:31:32.720 --> 0:31:35.400 now I love ones helping us navigate this to ask 0:31:35.400 --> 0:31:38.080 the questions to and then the other thing is that 0:31:38.120 --> 0:31:39.880 the one thing I loved about Craig. After he finished 0:31:39.880 --> 0:31:41.920 his process and I told him he was accepted. 0:31:44.640 --> 0:31:46.320 You have permission to move on to the next. 0:31:49.880 --> 0:31:51.160 And let me tell you what he did. He said, 0:31:51.400 --> 0:31:53.520 said that was such an excellent process. Would you mind 0:31:53.560 --> 0:31:55.560 doing the same thing for me? I need you to 0:31:55.600 --> 0:31:56.680 fill out an application too. 0:31:57.080 --> 0:31:58.520 I said, I said. 0:31:58.560 --> 0:32:00.840 I clutched my parents for a second, but I said, right, 0:32:02.080 --> 0:32:04.000 that makes sense. Let me get let me get to 0:32:04.040 --> 0:32:07.200 the world. It's the application in the book. It's not 0:32:08.640 --> 0:32:10.760 you know why why because those of you'll want to application, 0:32:10.760 --> 0:32:11.920 you're gonna have to ask me. 0:32:14.440 --> 0:32:14.760 To get that. 0:32:14.840 --> 0:32:16.920 Afraid I didn't get that for a free But anyway, 0:32:16.920 --> 0:32:19.080 get the book because the book is good. 0:32:20.280 --> 0:32:21.280 Crib yes, sir. 0:32:21.440 --> 0:32:23.640 Well, first I'm gonna ask you, so, when you got 0:32:23.680 --> 0:32:26.800 the application, how long did it take you to turn 0:32:26.840 --> 0:32:27.040 it in? 0:32:28.240 --> 0:32:31.360 Oh? I definitely took all I took them for two weeks. 0:32:34.200 --> 0:32:37.560 Yeah, As I mentioned, you know, like first like yeah, 0:32:38.560 --> 0:32:40.479 and then you just kind of like yeah, and then 0:32:40.520 --> 0:32:42.200 you realize you. 0:32:42.280 --> 0:32:44.240 Don't have those things readily available. 0:32:46.160 --> 0:32:48.200 So I had to like sit down and be thoughtful 0:32:48.240 --> 0:32:51.520 and you know what is ah, what is my mission statement? 0:32:52.160 --> 0:32:54.520 What is some things I want to accomplish? 0:32:54.560 --> 0:32:57.960 So I had to spend some time being not only reflective, 0:32:58.000 --> 0:33:00.480 but that is just so good to me and but 0:33:00.520 --> 0:33:02.960 also for me to start thinking thinking forward. 0:33:03.080 --> 0:33:03.240 Right. 0:33:03.280 --> 0:33:06.000 You know, at the time Kadidi was in her list 0:33:06.080 --> 0:33:07.840 year of law school and at the time I didn't 0:33:07.840 --> 0:33:13.120 even have my college dugree. Right, so it's like, hm, wow, oh, 0:33:14.000 --> 0:33:18.080 but I wasn't intimidated by that. It was just a 0:33:18.160 --> 0:33:20.240 reflection point in my life. 0:33:20.280 --> 0:33:22.040 Is like, hmmm, why weren't. 0:33:21.800 --> 0:33:26.240 You intimidated by that? A lot of men would find. 0:33:26.480 --> 0:33:31.840 Intimidation behind an intelligent, educated woman, especially from the realm 0:33:31.880 --> 0:33:34.400 of law, Like that's the whole you like, Lord, this 0:33:34.520 --> 0:33:36.280 later going to be debating stuff. 0:33:36.480 --> 0:33:40.160 But that's that's true. That's I didn't say that didn't happen. 0:33:40.680 --> 0:33:44.880 That didn't happen, But I enjoyed it because that was 0:33:44.920 --> 0:33:50.160 about mine expansion, the expansion, and I really loved that. 0:33:50.640 --> 0:33:53.760 So I wasn't intimidated by it. And she just mentioned 0:33:54.000 --> 0:33:56.160 now it could have we could have come to the 0:33:56.200 --> 0:33:59.320 conclusion that we weren't compatible, but it wasn't from a 0:34:00.480 --> 0:34:03.719 sense of me being intimidated by her and what she was, 0:34:04.080 --> 0:34:06.600 the lofty things she had already accomplished in that good 0:34:06.640 --> 0:34:09.200 likely to accomplish it. She was I thought, was a 0:34:09.280 --> 0:34:14.000 very fascinating person, had all these experiences. We had similar upbringings, 0:34:14.080 --> 0:34:16.360 but different enough that it was still exciting. 0:34:16.400 --> 0:34:16.560 You know. 0:34:17.360 --> 0:34:19.799 So what would you say about this condesia because you said, 0:34:19.880 --> 0:34:23.759 here it is. He even said you had lofty goals ambition. 0:34:24.120 --> 0:34:27.960 You're in law school at the time. My buddy Craig, 0:34:28.320 --> 0:34:31.960 he was working at budget. Yeah, budget, And so you 0:34:32.040 --> 0:34:35.480 weren't the type of woman back then that said I 0:34:35.560 --> 0:34:38.520 see myself married to another attorney and we can do this, 0:34:38.680 --> 0:34:40.160 or he has to be a doctor. We're going to 0:34:40.239 --> 0:34:43.000 be like the Huxtables and all that stuff. Like you 0:34:43.000 --> 0:34:45.680 didn't have this ideology at twenty four. You had all 0:34:45.719 --> 0:34:48.560 this other stuff figured out, You had applications and all that. 0:34:50.400 --> 0:34:52.839 You didn't see that in your future, or. 0:34:52.800 --> 0:34:56.160 You were like I was looking more for character. 0:34:56.719 --> 0:34:58.520 Well, I was looking more for a character for sure, 0:34:58.600 --> 0:35:01.040 because I mean, the thing I I knew also is 0:35:01.040 --> 0:35:05.040 that you could have somebody who has money, power, titles, 0:35:05.239 --> 0:35:07.400 but it didn't necessarily mean that their person was going 0:35:07.440 --> 0:35:08.919 to be good for me. In my own life right. 0:35:09.120 --> 0:35:10.880 I was standing on my own business too, so I 0:35:10.960 --> 0:35:13.680 knew I could take care of myself ultimately. But what 0:35:13.760 --> 0:35:15.440 I was looking for, I had a must have less 0:35:15.480 --> 0:35:17.640 and a nice to have less right, and that must 0:35:17.640 --> 0:35:20.120 have less with somebody who was God fearing first and foremost, 0:35:20.120 --> 0:35:22.800 who gave reverence to God. Somebody who was a family 0:35:22.840 --> 0:35:26.200 person who understood how to care for their families. And 0:35:26.200 --> 0:35:29.480 then also somebody who had character, integrity, who was loyal, 0:35:29.560 --> 0:35:32.200 who understood, who was caring, who was nurturing all those things. 0:35:32.200 --> 0:35:34.759 I think that sometimes we, you know, we don't really 0:35:34.800 --> 0:35:37.359 think about as much, and sometimes in relationships when we're 0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:38.959 thinking about is he going to be? And I also 0:35:39.000 --> 0:35:41.719 said tall, I ain't gonna lie somebody taller than me. 0:35:41.760 --> 0:35:44.680 I was like, somebody taller than me, but on the 0:35:44.760 --> 0:35:46.239 nice to have list with some other things. And I 0:35:46.320 --> 0:35:47.920 was like, you know, if they want to have or 0:35:48.040 --> 0:35:50.560 he wants to have, you know, a career, an extra 0:35:50.680 --> 0:35:52.760 Y or Z, that's fine. Long as he's fulfilled and happy. 0:35:52.880 --> 0:35:58.359 Right as he fulfilled and happy, why don't we hear 0:35:58.440 --> 0:35:59.200 more of that? 0:35:59.600 --> 0:36:01.840 Yeah, as long as he's fulfilling happy. 0:36:02.080 --> 0:36:05.239 I've never heard anybody say that it's always based on 0:36:05.880 --> 0:36:11.239 the woman's fulfillment and validation of his career choice. And 0:36:11.280 --> 0:36:13.800 we always and I hate when people say this. They'll 0:36:13.920 --> 0:36:18.920 use the teacher as the lowest standard or something like. 0:36:19.000 --> 0:36:20.839 I mean they say, if they were a teacher, would 0:36:20.840 --> 0:36:24.239 I be comfortable? Like you know, how fulfilling that to 0:36:24.360 --> 0:36:27.680 be an actual teacher? How much reference that as I 0:36:27.840 --> 0:36:30.560 have for our teachers? And then you'll be like, I mean, 0:36:30.640 --> 0:36:33.480 let's say that. I mean, people ask them, could you 0:36:33.520 --> 0:36:36.359 be married to a school teacher? Like that's like that's 0:36:36.680 --> 0:36:41.680 low and I'm like, what so that means so much 0:36:41.760 --> 0:36:44.560 to hear you say, as long as he's fulfilled, because 0:36:44.600 --> 0:36:46.960 if that person's calling is to be a gym coach, 0:36:47.239 --> 0:36:50.600 to be a teacher, to be whatever it is, then 0:36:50.880 --> 0:36:52.080 that's what makes them happy. 0:36:52.120 --> 0:36:53.360 That's what makes them satisfy. 0:36:53.640 --> 0:36:55.160 And who are you to come into their life and 0:36:55.200 --> 0:36:57.719 be like mm hmm, that's this is I. 0:36:57.640 --> 0:37:00.800 Can never accept this and you like that's fine. 0:37:00.840 --> 0:37:03.239 That's why I've always want to be like that's all 0:37:03.400 --> 0:37:08.200 you want to be like, yeah, should I not? You know, 0:37:08.880 --> 0:37:10.920 my daddy was this and I've always wanted to do 0:37:10.960 --> 0:37:12.799 that and be like, no, that's not good enough to 0:37:13.600 --> 0:37:17.919 and so how did you adopt that ideology at twenty four, 0:37:18.000 --> 0:37:20.560 at the old age of two, because you've been on 0:37:20.560 --> 0:37:23.399 the firth a long time, So at twenty four years old, 0:37:23.400 --> 0:37:27.080 how did you learn that, especially been around peers that 0:37:27.280 --> 0:37:28.400 may not have thought. 0:37:28.160 --> 0:37:28.840 The same way. 0:37:29.200 --> 0:37:32.800 Yeah, because I don't think that we the first and foremost. 0:37:32.800 --> 0:37:35.719 I think each one of us is valuable in our 0:37:35.760 --> 0:37:38.239 own right, right. I think that every single person has 0:37:38.239 --> 0:37:43.040 a story that is worth hearing, being told, respected, And 0:37:43.080 --> 0:37:45.440 so you know, I'm not here to tell people what 0:37:45.480 --> 0:37:47.200 they need to be and what they don't need to be. 0:37:47.680 --> 0:37:49.920 I think a lot of times people prescribe things on 0:37:49.920 --> 0:37:52.000 other people that they haven't fulfilled in their own lives. 0:37:52.239 --> 0:37:54.239 And so for me, I was just focusing on being 0:37:54.280 --> 0:37:56.279 whole myself, like, because you should do the best that 0:37:56.320 --> 0:37:58.399 you can do what you have, right, And we came 0:37:58.440 --> 0:38:01.120 from very humble beginnings and right, both of us, so 0:38:01.520 --> 0:38:04.080 we understood. I was in Harlem, he was in Newark, right, 0:38:04.120 --> 0:38:07.480 and we both grew up in very challenging circumstances at times. 0:38:07.480 --> 0:38:09.840 And so you know, I was just trying to stand 0:38:09.920 --> 0:38:12.640 up and use my power as best I possibly could, 0:38:12.840 --> 0:38:14.320 and then make sure I share what I had with 0:38:14.400 --> 0:38:15.879 other people so they could actually do the same thing 0:38:15.880 --> 0:38:18.400 for themselves and other people as well. That power sharing 0:38:18.440 --> 0:38:20.400 is so important to me. So I wasn't trying to 0:38:20.480 --> 0:38:22.880 change him. I just wanted somebody who was willing to 0:38:22.920 --> 0:38:25.839 work with me and to help me become better at 0:38:25.880 --> 0:38:28.239 who I wanted to be. And I think that's just 0:38:28.280 --> 0:38:30.399 so important. I think so often sometimes people get married 0:38:30.440 --> 0:38:32.239 and think that I have to change the person. I 0:38:32.280 --> 0:38:34.400 got to make my husband do this. I had to 0:38:34.400 --> 0:38:37.200 build amand this n't build a beer, right. You know 0:38:37.239 --> 0:38:39.120 what I'm saying. This is like we need to be 0:38:39.160 --> 0:38:42.080 working together in concert to make sure that we're fulfilling 0:38:42.520 --> 0:38:45.440 who we can ultimately be our best selves. And usually 0:38:45.480 --> 0:38:47.839 the person that you marry, if they can bring out 0:38:47.880 --> 0:38:50.320 the best in you. I mean, that's really what partnership 0:38:50.320 --> 0:38:52.600 truly is about. So I didn't really care what he 0:38:52.640 --> 0:38:54.320 did for a job as long as it was legal, 0:38:54.680 --> 0:38:55.400 it was wholesome. 0:38:56.200 --> 0:38:56.560 That's good. 0:38:57.560 --> 0:38:59.560 Legal and wholesome. I was good, you know what I'm saying. 0:39:00.360 --> 0:39:03.480 But I think that's been one of our our secret 0:39:03.560 --> 0:39:07.319 sources of superpowers is around sitting down having these conversations 0:39:07.360 --> 0:39:12.040 around you know, where we were individually and what are 0:39:12.080 --> 0:39:14.359 some of our aspirations and not being afraid to talk 0:39:14.360 --> 0:39:16.759 about that, and then hear from the other person how 0:39:16.760 --> 0:39:19.200 we could be supportive. So could he just finish his 0:39:19.280 --> 0:39:23.120 law school? I ended up going back to school finishing 0:39:23.840 --> 0:39:27.040 my undergrad degree, and then later a few years later, 0:39:27.320 --> 0:39:30.920 you know, got my MBA. In between that, we Kadiza, 0:39:31.000 --> 0:39:34.279 we had a conversation around she wanted to focus up. 0:39:34.640 --> 0:39:36.440 She had the opportunity to grow in her career and 0:39:36.600 --> 0:39:38.640 was like, hey, let's have this conversation. 0:39:38.760 --> 0:39:39.840 We got this little baby. 0:39:40.600 --> 0:39:41.520 You work in the city. 0:39:41.760 --> 0:39:45.239 I'm on this side. It's easier for me to drop 0:39:45.280 --> 0:39:47.560 the baby off in the morning, pick pick the baby up, 0:39:48.680 --> 0:39:50.719 whatever we need to do, so you can have these 0:39:50.719 --> 0:39:53.759 pursuits that you gonna make you feel feel fulfilled and 0:39:53.760 --> 0:39:56.120 not just be limited to you have to be a 0:39:56.200 --> 0:39:58.960 mother now come home like, no, what are the things 0:39:58.960 --> 0:40:02.000 that's gonna make you feel like you're a full person. 0:40:02.480 --> 0:40:04.960 And then when my opportunities came, we did the same thing. 0:40:05.040 --> 0:40:08.000 So even when the book, when Kadida decided she was 0:40:08.040 --> 0:40:09.480 gonna write this book, like okay. 0:40:09.239 --> 0:40:14.800 That's a third baby, right and powery imagine, yes, really. 0:40:15.160 --> 0:40:17.560 You need your writing time you need to go do that. 0:40:18.160 --> 0:40:20.520 I got it right, you know, don't worry about this, 0:40:20.600 --> 0:40:23.160 don't worry about that. And so we've always been really 0:40:23.200 --> 0:40:26.719 good and listening and helping each other kind of reach 0:40:26.760 --> 0:40:28.120 their dreams and inspire for more. 0:40:31.400 --> 0:40:34.120 When I said I love hearing healthy, when I say, 0:40:34.200 --> 0:40:37.520 it does something to me because I know the disconnect 0:40:37.560 --> 0:40:42.719 and why the black experience is what it is is 0:40:42.760 --> 0:40:46.680 because we don't hear enough healthy examples and what reign 0:40:46.840 --> 0:40:50.759 supreme on social media is the toxic examples. And they 0:40:50.800 --> 0:40:53.320 don't hear like you, like we hear so much about 0:40:53.440 --> 0:40:56.520 people looking for ready made people like you need to 0:40:56.560 --> 0:40:59.680 be if you're going to be an attorney, be an attorney. 0:40:59.719 --> 0:41:02.319 Don't be in the process of becoming one. Don't be 0:41:02.560 --> 0:41:05.120 when you're failing the test. I don't want you while 0:41:05.160 --> 0:41:09.280 you failing. I need you passed and passing, already, attorney, already, 0:41:09.320 --> 0:41:12.919 a partner, already, all this stuff, and it's like, yeah, 0:41:13.440 --> 0:41:16.279 like how many How easy is it for anybody to 0:41:16.360 --> 0:41:18.000 choose the finished product of anything? 0:41:18.080 --> 0:41:20.200 Oh it's so easy. Yeah, it's so easy. And I've 0:41:20.200 --> 0:41:22.640 had people I told you, people have told me that 0:41:22.680 --> 0:41:25.319 they would have never married a man like Craig who 0:41:25.360 --> 0:41:28.240 was working at budget as a manager without having at 0:41:28.320 --> 0:41:31.680 a college degree, right, let alone like not that's just 0:41:31.719 --> 0:41:34.040 an undergraduate degree, not alone a graduate degree. 0:41:34.120 --> 0:41:34.719 Right. 0:41:34.800 --> 0:41:36.960 So it was like you were already on your way, 0:41:37.080 --> 0:41:39.120 you know. And I'm like, but see you missing the point, 0:41:39.239 --> 0:41:41.080 missed it, you know. And so I think so many 0:41:41.080 --> 0:41:44.239 people miss the opportunity to find really good people, to 0:41:44.760 --> 0:41:47.759 get partners in life that really could compliment and then 0:41:47.760 --> 0:41:50.400 to build something together, which is more beautiful in my opinion, 0:41:50.400 --> 0:41:52.520 Like you know what I mean, you know, I get 0:41:52.600 --> 0:41:54.719 when I think about the fact that Craig was going 0:41:54.719 --> 0:41:57.319 to school at night after he left his job. During 0:41:57.320 --> 0:41:59.480 the day, we were paying for his school. And then 0:41:59.600 --> 0:42:01.319 then he would another job and they start paying for 0:42:01.360 --> 0:42:03.160 his school. And the next thing, you know, he finished that, 0:42:03.200 --> 0:42:05.160 he graduated with honors. It was wonderful. 0:42:05.360 --> 0:42:06.560 I was there. 0:42:06.640 --> 0:42:09.440 Yeah, it was beautiful. Then I went to his next 0:42:09.440 --> 0:42:10.920 thing and he got his NBA and we had a 0:42:10.920 --> 0:42:12.560 little baby girl and she was in the class with 0:42:12.640 --> 0:42:14.839 him some nights. He would say in the class, yes 0:42:16.320 --> 0:42:17.840 and taken with him. The class should be in the 0:42:17.880 --> 0:42:19.839 back of the class sometimes with them, and that all 0:42:19.880 --> 0:42:23.200 the all the graduate students should be taking terms playing 0:42:23.200 --> 0:42:25.640 with her to make sure they'd gotten from a quantum 0:42:25.680 --> 0:42:28.000 accounting or whatever the case is they were taking for 0:42:28.040 --> 0:42:30.200 his NBA. And then I would because I was working 0:42:30.239 --> 0:42:32.040 late in the city. I was at my job, you know, 0:42:32.480 --> 0:42:35.120 doing meeting up pulling midnight hours sometimes right. And then 0:42:35.160 --> 0:42:36.440 he was like, I got don't worry, I got it. 0:42:36.480 --> 0:42:38.399 You just get home safely. You know what I'm saying. 0:42:38.480 --> 0:42:41.600 He maybe any fool for every child that we had 0:42:41.719 --> 0:42:43.920 never ate draw food. Every Sunday was the day. But 0:42:44.000 --> 0:42:45.520 he was making baby food. And I used to eat 0:42:45.560 --> 0:42:48.640 it too, because it's so darned I did. That's what 0:42:48.800 --> 0:42:51.600 was delicious. It was like sweet potatoes and carrots and 0:42:51.920 --> 0:42:54.360 apples and sweepertails and carrots together. And I'd be like, 0:42:54.360 --> 0:42:56.520 and every time I traveled, I was nursing both big kids. 0:42:56.520 --> 0:42:57.960 I would travel with them on my trips, and he 0:42:57.960 --> 0:43:00.000 would say he would freeze the food who had pass 0:43:00.360 --> 0:43:02.200 and things now would care with me. My sister would 0:43:02.200 --> 0:43:03.440 meet me on the trip and so she can help 0:43:03.480 --> 0:43:05.200 me take care of those kids. But he would pack 0:43:05.280 --> 0:43:06.360 all the food and events. 0:43:06.960 --> 0:43:16.920 So I'm saying, when I say, God and all his 0:43:17.200 --> 0:43:21.800 infinite wisdom knew that even his upbringing from his mom 0:43:22.360 --> 0:43:25.839 teaching him how to cook, will be necessary for him 0:43:25.880 --> 0:43:30.120 to even make custom made baby food for y'all's. 0:43:29.840 --> 0:43:32.759 Kids, right, you know, it's like every little. 0:43:32.440 --> 0:43:35.600 Intricate details that your vision couldn't even see it. If 0:43:35.640 --> 0:43:38.919 you were only stuck on the right now, you'll never 0:43:39.000 --> 0:43:41.400 be able to see what was going to take place 0:43:41.600 --> 0:43:45.760 years later. And what's so I think so many people 0:43:46.520 --> 0:43:50.400 have are so short sighted and their dating process that 0:43:50.440 --> 0:43:52.680 they don't even know how to discern the type of 0:43:52.800 --> 0:43:54.400 character that they need. 0:43:54.239 --> 0:43:54.960 In a husband. 0:43:55.760 --> 0:43:58.399 A lot of people still be hung up on your 0:43:58.520 --> 0:44:02.400 height requirement or prefer I ain't gonna say requirement because yeah, 0:44:03.280 --> 0:44:05.719 because you said bust have and would like to have. 0:44:06.680 --> 0:44:09.000 So they'd be like, what she would like to have? 0:44:09.080 --> 0:44:13.640 Oh no, that's a must have, like really, like really, 0:44:13.920 --> 0:44:16.959 so as long as he's this height while you're sitting 0:44:17.000 --> 0:44:19.400 up there lugging the kids, sitting at your office with 0:44:19.520 --> 0:44:22.160 the baby, so you're cool with that, And they'd be like, 0:44:22.200 --> 0:44:23.879 oh no, no, I need a man at least gonna 0:44:23.880 --> 0:44:26.040 have to share in that. Okay, now you just said 0:44:26.080 --> 0:44:28.319 you in the future you want somebody sharing that, So 0:44:28.360 --> 0:44:30.920 what are you willing to negotiate to, and a lot 0:44:30.960 --> 0:44:33.759 of times they're just not using wisdom on what they 0:44:33.800 --> 0:44:36.640 consider a none negotiable. A lot of times people are 0:44:36.640 --> 0:44:39.160 calling stuff that's the none negotiable, and you be like, 0:44:39.440 --> 0:44:41.680 when you got married, you'll realize that that is not 0:44:41.719 --> 0:44:44.880 a true negotiable. This just don't make sense, don't And 0:44:44.960 --> 0:44:47.080 so I get excited when I hear couples that has 0:44:47.160 --> 0:44:50.560 been married almost thirty years that are able to come 0:44:50.600 --> 0:44:53.799 and say, let me tell you this, even the experience 0:44:53.880 --> 0:44:56.479 that the people around y'all, and this is what God 0:44:56.560 --> 0:45:00.839 is showing me in your NBA program. The people got 0:45:00.840 --> 0:45:03.680 a chance to witness what fatherhood looks like. 0:45:03.800 --> 0:45:04.680 That's right. 0:45:04.840 --> 0:45:07.240 The fact that because typically you wouldn't see a father 0:45:07.320 --> 0:45:09.520 with the kids sitting up here while there in school, 0:45:09.640 --> 0:45:12.359 that mama backed her be the one taking care of 0:45:12.360 --> 0:45:14.919 that kid, because you ain't finna come in. I ain't 0:45:14.920 --> 0:45:17.520 gonna be walking around with no kid like that. We're 0:45:17.560 --> 0:45:20.399 not gonna do that. That's a mother's job. So they 0:45:20.400 --> 0:45:23.759 got a chance to witness not only what fatherhood looks like, 0:45:23.880 --> 0:45:27.600 but husbandry on the truest sense of what husbandry looks like. 0:45:27.880 --> 0:45:29.719 So I get excited when I hear stuff like that, 0:45:29.719 --> 0:45:31.720 because I'll be like, God, we just get it so wrong. 0:45:32.080 --> 0:45:34.160 And you hear a key thing where you said the 0:45:34.200 --> 0:45:36.879 stuff that y'all got a chance to experience while y'all 0:45:36.880 --> 0:45:40.120 were getting it together together, that that's what brings a 0:45:40.160 --> 0:45:41.319 deeper bond with each other. 0:45:41.320 --> 0:45:42.719 You're like, man, you remember. 0:45:42.520 --> 0:45:44.680 We were struggling. You remember we went had and you 0:45:44.719 --> 0:45:46.920 remember when we didn't have. Like people can look at 0:45:47.000 --> 0:45:49.239 us right now and say this. We could ask you 0:45:49.280 --> 0:45:51.839 to celebrate and say, hey, you over here working with 0:45:51.880 --> 0:45:54.840 one of the biggest with the number one news station, 0:45:55.280 --> 0:45:58.040 But what happened before that, what happened in the interim, 0:45:58.280 --> 0:46:00.480 That's right, that's. 0:46:00.200 --> 0:46:01.520 What fortifies your marriage. 0:46:01.560 --> 0:46:03.880 So a lot of times people want the end result 0:46:03.920 --> 0:46:05.360 without doing the work. 0:46:05.120 --> 0:46:06.319 That it takes to get there. 0:46:06.600 --> 0:46:09.320 And everybody can acknowledge like, oh, if I want muscles, 0:46:09.520 --> 0:46:11.759 I can't just go to the gym for one day, right, 0:46:11.800 --> 0:46:14.840 There's like some consistency that I have to put into 0:46:15.040 --> 0:46:17.960 to grow muscles. And so hearing the story, I think 0:46:17.960 --> 0:46:21.240 it is so helpful for everyone because it's like, Okay, 0:46:21.280 --> 0:46:23.760 this is the work that we put in to get 0:46:23.840 --> 0:46:27.640 the harvest that we wanted, but without you know, planning 0:46:27.680 --> 0:46:30.759 the right seeds and then watering them time after time 0:46:30.840 --> 0:46:33.400 and growing though you know you don't get that harvest. 0:46:34.320 --> 0:46:36.640 You had a woo statement when I said the struggle. 0:46:36.719 --> 0:46:38.400 Let's talk about the struggle. What kind of struggle that 0:46:38.480 --> 0:46:40.759 y'all go through as y'all was in the interim and 0:46:40.840 --> 0:46:41.800 the build up stage. 0:46:42.440 --> 0:46:43.160 Oh well it was. 0:46:43.239 --> 0:46:43.560 It was. 0:46:43.840 --> 0:46:46.200 It was a list of things, and I'm so there. 0:46:46.320 --> 0:46:48.560 Of course, is getting to know each other's struggle. 0:46:48.640 --> 0:46:50.960 Put the microphone closer to you. You're trying to get 0:46:50.960 --> 0:46:53.000 all booted up with y'all boot up. 0:46:54.400 --> 0:46:57.160 Well, you know, it's the struggle of getting to know 0:46:57.280 --> 0:46:59.600 each other and getting to know yourself differently as a 0:46:59.680 --> 0:47:03.040 husband and as a wife. Right, I'm a different person 0:47:03.080 --> 0:47:05.719 than I was before the day we got married. Right, 0:47:06.080 --> 0:47:07.960 So it was that struggle. And then it was the 0:47:08.440 --> 0:47:12.280 reality of the financial struggle. Right, you know, we realized 0:47:12.280 --> 0:47:15.359 earlier she ain't have a lot. I have a lot. 0:47:15.520 --> 0:47:17.520 But let's try to figure out how we build something together. 0:47:17.719 --> 0:47:20.440 I think one one key moment we had we were 0:47:20.440 --> 0:47:21.360 set down women. 0:47:21.920 --> 0:47:23.560 The insurance lady came. She's laughing. 0:47:24.120 --> 0:47:28.719 So these lady's came to sell us some financial services 0:47:28.840 --> 0:47:32.520 and you know, we were, you know, making pittings at 0:47:32.520 --> 0:47:35.280 the time, and she sat down, she was sisters walking 0:47:35.320 --> 0:47:38.040 us through everything, and she was like, well. 0:47:37.880 --> 0:47:41.400 It looks like if you all just can script and 0:47:41.440 --> 0:47:43.960 save some more money. I was like, no, that's not 0:47:44.000 --> 0:47:45.600 the issue. We need to make more money. 0:47:45.680 --> 0:47:47.239 She said, cut back on this, cut back on it. 0:47:47.440 --> 0:47:48.880 We didn't cut back on everything, and. 0:47:48.960 --> 0:47:51.680 Then that's to cut back, go down to bone. 0:47:52.880 --> 0:47:56.360 But then and that point though, we would still find 0:47:57.080 --> 0:48:00.560 ways to be able to show each other joy and 0:48:00.640 --> 0:48:04.320 appreciation even when we didn't have a lot of financial resources. 0:48:04.320 --> 0:48:07.520 In the it was it could be a card, it 0:48:07.560 --> 0:48:10.160 could be sometimes I will find an. 0:48:10.120 --> 0:48:12.600 Outfit for her, a shop for me, shop for a 0:48:12.600 --> 0:48:13.200 lot of time. 0:48:13.160 --> 0:48:15.120 Right and she would come home and be a few 0:48:15.160 --> 0:48:17.239 outfits there for her, things like that. 0:48:17.320 --> 0:48:21.759 But those things let me know that when if we 0:48:21.800 --> 0:48:23.440 can go through this, we can. 0:48:23.320 --> 0:48:24.799 Build for the long term part. 0:48:24.880 --> 0:48:28.080 And everything we've been doing was we talked about this 0:48:28.160 --> 0:48:33.680 last night. The balance between living in the moment and 0:48:33.719 --> 0:48:38.439 appreciating the moment while always thinking about the future life 0:48:38.440 --> 0:48:39.560 that you want to have together. 0:48:39.760 --> 0:48:42.799 That's good, yeah, because you know the thing is that 0:48:42.840 --> 0:48:45.040 and you know, I've started to realize I was telling Craig, 0:48:45.040 --> 0:48:47.680 there's so many people that we start to actually that 0:48:47.719 --> 0:48:51.200 we know who's plan for retirement. Sometimes one of the 0:48:51.200 --> 0:48:53.960 spouse's passes away before they even get there, right, And 0:48:54.040 --> 0:48:56.960 so you're pushing everything off until like when we retire, 0:48:56.960 --> 0:48:59.160 we're going to do all these things versus like we 0:48:59.200 --> 0:49:00.799 want to do some things now, but we're also going 0:49:00.880 --> 0:49:02.839 to keep planning for some other things. And so I think, 0:49:03.080 --> 0:49:04.880 you know, we're just trying to be grateful. One. I 0:49:04.880 --> 0:49:07.080 think just gratitude is everything to me. I think we 0:49:07.400 --> 0:49:10.080 both just tall our kids this too, Like you know, 0:49:10.440 --> 0:49:12.840 if you're grateful, you will get more, Like you just 0:49:12.880 --> 0:49:16.520 have to be grateful. Yeah, the same thing. It's just 0:49:16.560 --> 0:49:19.120 so important. And then and then the other thing is, 0:49:20.640 --> 0:49:24.239 you know, I laugh oftentimes when I think about, like 0:49:24.320 --> 0:49:26.040 going back, I was talking about the credit card. Craig 0:49:26.080 --> 0:49:28.279 and I had two credit cards that we share, and 0:49:28.360 --> 0:49:29.719 I think that one of them had a limit like 0:49:29.719 --> 0:49:31.920 a three hundred dollars and we would like we were. 0:49:31.840 --> 0:49:35.839 Literally like pay off the secure one, right, you gotta 0:49:35.840 --> 0:49:38.239 put your money down, and we were like, oh my gosh, 0:49:38.280 --> 0:49:40.160 we got to build out credit right, and literally you 0:49:40.600 --> 0:49:42.040 put boys up next to you and you're like, we 0:49:42.520 --> 0:49:43.640 got two ninety already spent. 0:49:43.719 --> 0:49:45.239 We got ten dollars laugh. And then you built, you 0:49:45.320 --> 0:49:47.120 paid off and that's got the same thing. 0:49:47.120 --> 0:49:47.319 It was. 0:49:53.760 --> 0:49:56.840 At those priorities order. What the crazy part is is 0:49:56.880 --> 0:49:58.200 that I was thinking about that and I was like, 0:49:58.239 --> 0:50:00.279 you know, just how like we just can't act only 0:50:00.360 --> 0:50:02.440 kept working in that way, and then next thing, you know, 0:50:02.480 --> 0:50:03.960 we were able to buy a house one time, you know, 0:50:04.040 --> 0:50:06.000 one year, and the next time the first. 0:50:05.800 --> 0:50:07.520 Time you get an unsecured car. 0:50:09.080 --> 0:50:10.960 That's right, you go from. 0:50:10.760 --> 0:50:12.799 A secure car to unsecure. They be like, hey, we're 0:50:12.800 --> 0:50:16.880 going to send you your deposit back. You was like, yeah, 0:50:17.120 --> 0:50:19.560 they start you off at that three hundred dollars credit limit, 0:50:20.280 --> 0:50:22.600 get back and then they give you five hundred and 0:50:23.640 --> 0:50:25.759 I'm earning trust. 0:50:26.200 --> 0:50:28.360 You know what I forgot about that, That's right, That 0:50:28.440 --> 0:50:29.400 is that was a graduation. 0:50:30.840 --> 0:50:31.600 You did something. 0:50:31.680 --> 0:50:35.560 It's like every milestone that shows you that you're in 0:50:35.680 --> 0:50:37.960 trusted before you ever get trusted with a whole mortgage. 0:50:38.000 --> 0:50:40.400 That's true. Actually that is true though. But by the 0:50:40.440 --> 0:50:42.399 time we did that and we got that little house Stough, 0:50:42.440 --> 0:50:44.279 we were so excited. We were like, oh, we want 0:50:44.320 --> 0:50:47.200 to come up in that little key house, but it 0:50:47.239 --> 0:50:49.320 was it was all the you know, all those small. 0:50:49.080 --> 0:50:49.520 Things like that. 0:50:50.640 --> 0:50:52.400 And we got married in ninety seven. 0:50:52.760 --> 0:50:56.120 Yeah, yeah, September. 0:50:55.600 --> 0:51:02.360 Of ninety seven. June of twenty of two thousand. Yeah, 0:51:02.440 --> 0:51:04.719 this all happened at the same time. We're moving into 0:51:04.760 --> 0:51:07.880 our first house. We're going to a Ruble for vacation, 0:51:08.480 --> 0:51:08.799 and we. 0:51:08.760 --> 0:51:09.399 Were a new car. 0:51:09.719 --> 0:51:11.280 The Rubles where we spent the honeymoon. 0:51:15.239 --> 0:51:20.399 We have such great memories about a Yeah, that's great. 0:51:20.440 --> 0:51:22.000 Yeah, but we were committed to this. 0:51:22.120 --> 0:51:26.120 And then to your point, when you are make the commitment, 0:51:26.600 --> 0:51:29.560 things is kind of they speed up and they magnify 0:51:29.680 --> 0:51:33.239 that much much more because we were committed to each 0:51:33.280 --> 0:51:34.719 other into the process for each other. 0:51:34.960 --> 0:51:37.839 Yeah, So what did you say to those people who 0:51:38.160 --> 0:51:39.120 questioned you? 0:51:39.200 --> 0:51:44.680 Like, I didn't have to say much because they see 0:51:44.719 --> 0:51:48.960 me now. So I was like, they know, they come around. 0:51:49.520 --> 0:51:52.160 I just like, I don't have to say much. I 0:51:52.200 --> 0:51:54.239 think they just you know, it's like, you know, the 0:51:54.440 --> 0:51:58.839 the evidence is here, you know where we are, and 0:51:59.040 --> 0:52:00.880 you know, I think a part of also is reminding 0:52:00.880 --> 0:52:02.759 people because a lot of times a those people don't 0:52:02.840 --> 0:52:05.120 get married ever, they don't find their person, and you know, 0:52:05.560 --> 0:52:09.200 you miss perfect exactly and not progress, right, And so 0:52:09.680 --> 0:52:12.000 I think, you know, like just being able to really 0:52:12.440 --> 0:52:14.760 you know, be a resource for people. I'm always happy 0:52:14.760 --> 0:52:16.719 to tell people and share with them like a better 0:52:16.760 --> 0:52:20.040 way to operate in terms of looking for me. But 0:52:20.080 --> 0:52:22.040 I think also really what I wanted to say to 0:52:22.080 --> 0:52:25.640 folks is you know, we are all of us or 0:52:25.719 --> 0:52:28.920 works in progress, and so you know, such this this 0:52:29.040 --> 0:52:32.200 is something wonderful about building together as you both know. Also, 0:52:32.560 --> 0:52:34.920 it's such something beautiful about being able to go back 0:52:34.920 --> 0:52:37.279 and talk about those memories and like how you start off, 0:52:37.360 --> 0:52:40.040 or even things that you you thought probably you know 0:52:40.080 --> 0:52:42.360 you had together that you realize you didn't have it together. 0:52:42.640 --> 0:52:44.799 Or even when you lose you think you got something 0:52:44.840 --> 0:52:46.520 and you lose it and you have to regain it. 0:52:46.600 --> 0:52:50.040 You know, all those things matter, right, Trust in relationships, 0:52:50.040 --> 0:52:53.320 building trust, you know, it's not just about the financial stuff, 0:52:53.440 --> 0:52:55.799 not just about the accolades and the degrees, but it's 0:52:55.800 --> 0:52:57.800 also about like how do you establish trust in a 0:52:57.840 --> 0:52:59.920 relationship and how do you build that so that you 0:53:00.239 --> 0:53:02.360 all and all of us can be in these relationships 0:53:02.360 --> 0:53:04.120 that where we really ultimately feel like we're with the 0:53:04.160 --> 0:53:07.560 person who we can put our heart in their hands, right, 0:53:07.840 --> 0:53:09.439 And so for me, like I can put my heart 0:53:09.440 --> 0:53:11.000 in Craig's hands, and I know he ain't gonna just 0:53:11.040 --> 0:53:13.120 like squish it up. It's gonna be like a situation 0:53:13.160 --> 0:53:15.200 where it's gonna be it's gonna be like that surgeon 0:53:15.200 --> 0:53:16.880 who's like, this is the last heart we got, We 0:53:17.000 --> 0:53:18.359 got have to put this in this person's boy, this 0:53:18.400 --> 0:53:19.960 is all we have in the world. So I think 0:53:20.000 --> 0:53:22.920 that's really important for me to be in that space 0:53:22.960 --> 0:53:28.400 and to be emotionally and psychologically safe, right, And the 0:53:28.480 --> 0:53:30.160 relationship is really really important. 0:53:30.200 --> 0:53:32.480 Y'all get there though, when you look at twenty nine 0:53:32.560 --> 0:53:36.040 years how did you get to a place? You got 0:53:36.080 --> 0:53:37.760 this grown twenty four year. 0:53:37.600 --> 0:53:40.239 Old, you know, you. 0:53:40.800 --> 0:53:44.200 Got this twenty nine year old and y'all dating, and 0:53:44.320 --> 0:53:47.000 y'all trying to figure out why y'all are because a 0:53:47.000 --> 0:53:49.920 lot of times, Kadija and Craig y'all too young to 0:53:49.920 --> 0:53:52.640 be getting married. You know, y'all get married at twenty 0:53:52.640 --> 0:53:55.360 fold twenty y'all don't even know each y'all't even know 0:53:55.440 --> 0:53:58.000 y'all selves, So y'all shouldn't even get married, which I 0:53:58.719 --> 0:54:02.399 literally debunked that ideaology, uh, in my book Student of Love. 0:54:02.480 --> 0:54:05.080 But a lot of times people think that y'all too young. 0:54:05.200 --> 0:54:07.960 Go learn a little bit, go experience, find out who 0:54:07.960 --> 0:54:10.040 you are, and then after you know who you are, 0:54:10.400 --> 0:54:14.040 then get married and that makes a healthier relationship. And 0:54:14.080 --> 0:54:18.839 so how did y'all deal with the becoming of yourselves 0:54:18.880 --> 0:54:21.760 and the becoming of a wife and title of a husband, 0:54:22.000 --> 0:54:25.160 and how y'all find safety with each other while just 0:54:25.200 --> 0:54:27.400 trying to navigate just life as a whole. 0:54:27.520 --> 0:54:29.600 Yeah, you want to go first, you know what. I 0:54:29.640 --> 0:54:32.279 think one of the most important things really for me 0:54:33.320 --> 0:54:36.439 was being open to the fact that I was really 0:54:36.440 --> 0:54:39.280 independent as a young person. I was in my mind 0:54:39.280 --> 0:54:41.440 self sufficient in some ways, and I wanted to make 0:54:41.480 --> 0:54:44.440 sure that what I knew that I had to I'm 0:54:44.440 --> 0:54:45.960 gonna have to give up some of this right, some 0:54:46.000 --> 0:54:48.000 of this ego. I had to kind of figure out, 0:54:48.080 --> 0:54:53.120 like how to try to focus on being more vulnerable 0:54:53.400 --> 0:54:55.160 as a woman. I think that was hard for me 0:54:55.400 --> 0:54:57.160 because I was so used to fixing things for so 0:54:57.200 --> 0:55:00.239 many other people, and so being vulnerable was one those 0:55:00.280 --> 0:55:05.759 things I know, I. 0:55:06.120 --> 0:55:09.960 Think didn't I think I brought out here for a reason. 0:55:11.040 --> 0:55:14.640 That we used to you know, listen, we've been running 0:55:14.719 --> 0:55:16.400 you know, you run them life, you're trying to you know, 0:55:16.440 --> 0:55:18.400 you're doing all these things. And so so for me 0:55:18.480 --> 0:55:21.160 to be able to have someone who I could say, 0:55:21.160 --> 0:55:23.200 oh wait, holds up, I can have you help me 0:55:23.280 --> 0:55:26.480 in this Like that's that's hard, right, but it was beautiful. 0:55:26.960 --> 0:55:30.759 That is hard. It is hard, right, But I think 0:55:30.800 --> 0:55:32.480 that's how we got there because I had to start 0:55:32.520 --> 0:55:34.759 to sit back to and say, girl, let him help you, 0:55:35.280 --> 0:55:37.160 like you know, you're helping everybody else. Girl, let him 0:55:37.160 --> 0:55:37.920 help you. 0:55:37.680 --> 0:55:37.960 You know. 0:55:38.280 --> 0:55:40.600 And that was that was a moment for me when 0:55:40.600 --> 0:55:43.480 when when I started to do that, it changed a 0:55:43.480 --> 0:55:45.839 lot of things, Like the argument stopped on some things. 0:55:45.880 --> 0:55:47.360 We were ladying by some of the simplest things and 0:55:47.400 --> 0:55:49.040 I was like, well we aren't about that, and he's like, 0:55:49.080 --> 0:55:52.319 I'm just trying to help you. I'm like, oh help 0:55:52.360 --> 0:55:58.120 me for he was like, because that's what I do. 0:55:58.280 --> 0:55:58.960 I want to help you. 0:55:59.040 --> 0:56:00.840 And I'm like okay. And once I got to that 0:56:00.960 --> 0:56:05.480 place where I was like, yeah, well that's the thing though, 0:56:05.560 --> 0:56:08.160 right for for the kindness. So when I got past 0:56:08.200 --> 0:56:10.000 those things and I was like, girl, let this man 0:56:10.080 --> 0:56:12.239 help you. Child, You've been asking for somebody to be 0:56:12.280 --> 0:56:14.120 here for you and then you got to help come 0:56:14.160 --> 0:56:16.720 on now. And that was actually really a game changer 0:56:16.719 --> 0:56:18.959 for me and my own experience. I think in terms 0:56:18.960 --> 0:56:21.040 of the relationship, and then I think for you, Craig, 0:56:21.520 --> 0:56:22.200 you do. 0:56:22.200 --> 0:56:22.879 You want to do it. 0:56:26.480 --> 0:56:29.400 To set you out? 0:56:29.520 --> 0:56:35.920 And for you, well, it's been our journey, you know, 0:56:36.000 --> 0:56:41.600 coming from a personality type that is used to helping 0:56:42.520 --> 0:56:46.359 and having someone who wants to help you is kind 0:56:46.360 --> 0:56:48.600 of awkward, Like why you want to do why you 0:56:48.640 --> 0:56:49.160 want to do that? 0:56:49.280 --> 0:56:51.840 I'm used to being doing that. And so. 0:56:53.680 --> 0:56:56.480 We use this term like we. 0:56:56.440 --> 0:56:59.480 Try to outdo each other in goodness we try to 0:56:59.760 --> 0:57:01.360 that's we try to outdo each other and good we 0:57:01.360 --> 0:57:02.560 don't try to outdo each. 0:57:02.360 --> 0:57:04.839 Other and other stuff and like who gets the most likes? 0:57:05.040 --> 0:57:08.279 Like I'm not on social media that much, He's not 0:57:08.320 --> 0:57:09.000 on social at all? 0:57:09.160 --> 0:57:10.799 Right, Like that, it's like. 0:57:10.800 --> 0:57:12.200 How do we just can. 0:57:13.640 --> 0:57:17.960 Do these things just for the joy of it. But then, 0:57:18.120 --> 0:57:22.440 as you know, trust is built over time, and I 0:57:22.520 --> 0:57:25.440 trusted her like on this journey when we first got married, 0:57:25.960 --> 0:57:30.280 and then this this this milestones when you go, wow, 0:57:30.720 --> 0:57:35.560 we're still here. Wow that that that argument didn't didn't 0:57:35.720 --> 0:57:40.160 cause us to break up. Or say things. The one 0:57:40.240 --> 0:57:45.440 one instance that I remember, we were moved into the 0:57:45.480 --> 0:57:52.760 house and look about so so so. On the weekends 0:57:52.800 --> 0:57:55.280 a lot, her mom used to come over, right, So 0:57:55.320 --> 0:58:00.439 one Friday, her mom, her mom came over. I picked 0:58:00.480 --> 0:58:02.840 them up from the train station, and for some reason, 0:58:02.880 --> 0:58:05.280 soon we get in the car, she and I bickering 0:58:05.320 --> 0:58:07.760 about I can't remember what, but all the way home 0:58:07.800 --> 0:58:09.680 it was like a ten minute drive home, we bickering. 0:58:10.000 --> 0:58:12.080 We're in the house for like twenty minutes, we bickering, 0:58:12.440 --> 0:58:14.080 and then I was like, oh, it's seven o'clock. We 0:58:14.160 --> 0:58:16.959 got this dinner reservation. The argument was over. Her mother 0:58:17.160 --> 0:58:21.880 was like, what the hell just happened? Because her mom 0:58:21.920 --> 0:58:25.880 had always made like arguments always ascarated to the different 0:58:25.880 --> 0:58:28.760 types of of your mom and s head, but different 0:58:28.800 --> 0:58:34.160 types of intensity. I did that way. And then when 0:58:34.160 --> 0:58:35.760 we went to dinner, she said, I gotta ask you 0:58:35.760 --> 0:58:39.320 our question. How was yall able to turn it off? 0:58:39.400 --> 0:58:41.480 And this be at this dinner like nothing like five 0:58:41.480 --> 0:58:45.160 minutes ago. But it was just that moment, right, But 0:58:45.400 --> 0:58:47.840 because we had we had trust that that was just 0:58:48.040 --> 0:58:48.640 a moment. 0:58:49.160 --> 0:58:50.800 It wasn't. It wasn't a relationship. 0:58:51.160 --> 0:58:54.360 And to be honest, it's still a journey, right, and 0:58:54.400 --> 0:58:57.280 it's the it's the beauty part of this work where 0:58:57.320 --> 0:58:59.840 you still could find that you still have other things 0:59:00.000 --> 0:59:03.960 and about yourself, you still can share and that person 0:59:04.080 --> 0:59:06.440 is learning about you in a good way. Like you 0:59:06.520 --> 0:59:09.600 got bigger aspirations, you got bigger dreams. 0:59:09.640 --> 0:59:09.840 You know. 0:59:09.920 --> 0:59:12.280 We getting to an age like, so, what's next? Our 0:59:12.360 --> 0:59:16.120 kids are grown now, my kids are finishing college. You've 0:59:16.200 --> 0:59:18.080 done this, you're doing the things in your career. 0:59:18.680 --> 0:59:19.640 What's next for us? 0:59:19.720 --> 0:59:23.240 What's next for you? How can I support? She's asking 0:59:23.240 --> 0:59:24.960 me the same question, Craig, what do you want to 0:59:25.000 --> 0:59:29.080 do next? And so we get a chance to slowly 0:59:29.640 --> 0:59:33.360 and properly reveal ourselves and put ourselves on the tape, 0:59:33.360 --> 0:59:36.120 to make ourselves vulnerable, to let each other know that 0:59:36.200 --> 0:59:38.120 we still need each other throughout your journey. 0:59:38.240 --> 0:59:40.160 Let me ask you, how did y'all learn how to 0:59:40.280 --> 0:59:42.800 not build monuments out of a moment? 0:59:43.680 --> 0:59:49.760 M I think for me personally, I just recognize that 0:59:50.160 --> 0:59:52.480 I've seen what the result is. And you can lose 0:59:52.520 --> 0:59:56.000 a lot of a lot of trusting each other and 0:59:56.200 --> 1:00:00.840 also real respect when people tier other down. And so 1:00:01.080 --> 1:00:03.560 even when we argue, we had some rules about how 1:00:03.600 --> 1:00:05.919 we debate, like you know, you can't. You can debate 1:00:06.000 --> 1:00:08.280 the issue, but don't tear each other down, like you 1:00:08.280 --> 1:00:10.520 can't call you know, name call in. This is some 1:00:10.600 --> 1:00:12.480 things we don't do. We don't you know, you ain't 1:00:12.520 --> 1:00:14.439 no good, we don't do that, right. It's like, no, no, 1:00:14.640 --> 1:00:16.280 let me tell you how I felt in the moment. 1:00:16.360 --> 1:00:19.000 Let me tell you how you hurt me. Or let 1:00:19.000 --> 1:00:20.920 me say when you said that you hurt me, because 1:00:21.120 --> 1:00:22.800 this is and then when you do it that way, 1:00:22.880 --> 1:00:24.480 it's a whole other thing because now it's like, wait, 1:00:24.480 --> 1:00:27.520 hold up, your feelings are real, Like I was hurt 1:00:27.560 --> 1:00:27.920 by that. 1:00:28.000 --> 1:00:28.320 You can't. 1:00:28.320 --> 1:00:29.920 I can't tell him he wasn't hurt because when he 1:00:29.960 --> 1:00:31.920 says he was hurt, then I'm like, okay, well that 1:00:32.000 --> 1:00:35.080 wasn't my intention, right, So now it's about what do 1:00:35.160 --> 1:00:37.320 we what's the real thing we're trying to debate because 1:00:37.320 --> 1:00:40.080 I think sometimes too, you know, oftentimes we were arguing 1:00:40.080 --> 1:00:42.840 about something, but it's not even about that thing, So 1:00:42.920 --> 1:00:45.760 what is underlying here? Like what's that under the surface? 1:00:46.040 --> 1:00:47.919 So I'm like, what's the real thing? And sometimes Craig 1:00:47.960 --> 1:00:49.120 we used to go he was like, cause, what's the 1:00:49.120 --> 1:00:51.360 real thing yit, baby, what's the real thing, because you're 1:00:51.360 --> 1:00:53.200 saying this, but it's not really that. It has to 1:00:53.240 --> 1:00:57.280 be about something else. And I'm like, okay, well that's true. Yeah, 1:00:57.320 --> 1:00:59.160 but those are the kinds of things should be able. 1:00:59.240 --> 1:01:02.439 So people have to know each other enough one, I think, 1:01:02.520 --> 1:01:04.600 to care for each other, because that's what I'm saying. 1:01:04.760 --> 1:01:06.919 You have to like the person, you have to care 1:01:06.960 --> 1:01:09.840 for the person, and the love will grow when you 1:01:09.880 --> 1:01:12.360 do those things right. But but it can't. When I 1:01:12.440 --> 1:01:14.280 first my Craig, I wasn't he was cute all but 1:01:14.280 --> 1:01:15.960 I didn't know him like to be. I wasn't on 1:01:16.120 --> 1:01:18.480 romanticized by the whole thing. It wasn't hoiw I got 1:01:18.480 --> 1:01:20.360 to understand who he was in his heart that I 1:01:20.440 --> 1:01:22.720 started to say, Oh, I really like him. He's a 1:01:22.800 --> 1:01:26.240 nice person. His soul is kind, he is a purified soul. 1:01:26.280 --> 1:01:26.400 Oh. 1:01:26.440 --> 1:01:28.280 I love this fact that he thinks about all these 1:01:28.280 --> 1:01:30.920 other things. So but I didn't know that from the outset. 1:01:30.960 --> 1:01:33.800 I had to know that by knowing him better, right, 1:01:33.840 --> 1:01:35.040 So I feel like a lot of. 1:01:37.480 --> 1:01:41.040 I mean, she had to learn what was underneath that 1:01:41.080 --> 1:01:42.320 budget uniform. 1:01:45.200 --> 1:01:50.480 That's right around the intensity of being intensity in the moment. 1:01:50.640 --> 1:01:55.640 One thing I I think we have grown and is 1:01:55.680 --> 1:02:00.760 a lot of times and those intense moments when someone 1:02:00.840 --> 1:02:04.200 is expressing how they feel, sometimes we like to say, well, 1:02:04.240 --> 1:02:05.600 you do the same thing. 1:02:06.200 --> 1:02:06.960 And what we. 1:02:06.920 --> 1:02:10.120 Had to come to the agreement on is like, let's 1:02:10.160 --> 1:02:13.400 stay in a moment, let me own whoever it is, 1:02:13.560 --> 1:02:15.600 let me own my part of it, and not go, well, 1:02:15.600 --> 1:02:18.120 well you do the same thing, and so like this 1:02:18.520 --> 1:02:22.200 has some adult ownership or some of our own issues. 1:02:22.520 --> 1:02:24.840 We can get to the other stuff later, but not 1:02:24.920 --> 1:02:28.280 like discredit how you feel and what your experience was 1:02:28.400 --> 1:02:31.120 and so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's go some time. 1:02:31.400 --> 1:02:32.400 Yeah. 1:02:32.440 --> 1:02:36.600 So a lot of people would say, like, man, marriage 1:02:36.640 --> 1:02:38.760 is too that sounds too challenging. 1:02:39.160 --> 1:02:39.640 It sounds a. 1:02:39.640 --> 1:02:42.160 Little bit like struggle of like y'all, y'all been together 1:02:42.240 --> 1:02:46.440 for twenty nine years, but y'all still argue, Like I 1:02:46.480 --> 1:02:49.439 got more peace alone because right like now, people say, 1:02:49.520 --> 1:02:52.760 I don't really need to get married. I'll just switch 1:02:52.840 --> 1:02:54.760 the person out. This way, I don't have to do 1:02:54.800 --> 1:02:57.560 the work. I don't have to argue because I don't 1:02:57.560 --> 1:02:58.600 want to be trying to. 1:02:59.080 --> 1:03:00.760 You know, I got it, learned them. 1:03:00.840 --> 1:03:02.920 And that sounds like a lot of work, and I 1:03:03.040 --> 1:03:04.600 just have so much peace alone. 1:03:05.000 --> 1:03:08.560 What would you say to that? Yeah, I mean there's 1:03:08.600 --> 1:03:11.040 just you know, listen, I don't knock people for whatever 1:03:11.080 --> 1:03:12.680 they choose to do with their own lives. If they 1:03:12.760 --> 1:03:16.120 choose to be solo and they that's sort of what 1:03:16.160 --> 1:03:18.960 they think fulfills them, that is okay. But for me, 1:03:19.080 --> 1:03:21.720 as a person who loves humanity, I like to be 1:03:21.800 --> 1:03:24.760 with people. I love to be in a relationship with 1:03:25.200 --> 1:03:28.680 a mate that understands me and is simply trying to 1:03:28.720 --> 1:03:31.200 grow themselves and I'm trying to grow to It's something beautiful, 1:03:31.720 --> 1:03:34.800 really beautiful about growing with somebody, right, And see, It's like, 1:03:34.960 --> 1:03:36.560 I mean, look, you know, when you have children, it's 1:03:36.560 --> 1:03:39.320 a different situation because you're literally trying to raise people. 1:03:39.520 --> 1:03:43.240 But when you're in a relationship, as you know, a 1:03:43.280 --> 1:03:46.600 married couple, there's something beautiful when you connect with someone 1:03:46.640 --> 1:03:49.480 else's soul and you have decided that you want to 1:03:49.480 --> 1:03:52.680 grow together. It's a choice. And so for me it's 1:03:52.720 --> 1:03:55.440 just a beautiful choice. And to have someone like Craig 1:03:56.760 --> 1:03:59.120 stand beside me and work with me on all the 1:03:59.160 --> 1:04:00.640 things in life that I want to do and the 1:04:00.640 --> 1:04:02.520 things that he wants to do, right, there for him. 1:04:02.880 --> 1:04:05.080 It's great. I mean, it's nothing like it. It's just 1:04:05.120 --> 1:04:08.120 you know, and again it's being chosen and choosing at 1:04:08.160 --> 1:04:09.760 the same time. And I think that's for me, that's 1:04:09.840 --> 1:04:12.160 just a wonderful thing. So I don't knock people who 1:04:12.200 --> 1:04:13.840 don't want to be married. I get it if if 1:04:13.840 --> 1:04:15.240 that's something they don't want to put the work in 1:04:15.240 --> 1:04:18.439 for it, because marriage is work, but it's beautiful work. 1:04:18.560 --> 1:04:20.240 It's a beautiful struggle in my opinion. 1:04:20.640 --> 1:04:28.720 Yeah, correct, echo what Kadizus said that we don't knock 1:04:28.720 --> 1:04:29.920 people for their choice. 1:04:30.000 --> 1:04:32.000 We just know what works for us. 1:04:32.080 --> 1:04:34.600 And yes, it's been twenty nine years. 1:04:35.040 --> 1:04:38.920 It doesn't seem like twenty nine years, right, It seems 1:04:39.240 --> 1:04:40.200 like yesterday. 1:04:40.800 --> 1:04:42.760 Right, it seems like and you look up and go, 1:04:42.800 --> 1:04:44.440 oh my gosh, it's been twenty nine years. 1:04:44.720 --> 1:04:44.959 Now. 1:04:45.000 --> 1:04:48.280 I know people who've been married two years and he 1:04:48.360 --> 1:04:50.400 feels like it's been one hundred years. 1:04:50.480 --> 1:04:53.960 Yep, yep, right, And I want to I want to 1:04:54.040 --> 1:04:57.040 use this word carefully. 1:05:00.000 --> 1:05:03.920 You know, people don't they don't submit to marriage, right 1:05:04.520 --> 1:05:06.720 and the work that it entails to get there. 1:05:06.760 --> 1:05:08.440 And I submit. Oh, I know that could be. 1:05:09.880 --> 1:05:12.240 Cuss words, right, Oh, that's what the man wants like, 1:05:12.280 --> 1:05:13.640 we don't. We don't use that. 1:05:13.600 --> 1:05:16.800 In in our relationship. Submit, we don't use roles in 1:05:16.840 --> 1:05:19.760 the house. It's like whoever is available, if the dishes 1:05:19.840 --> 1:05:22.880 is done, I get home first, I'm doing the dishes. 1:05:23.000 --> 1:05:23.920 If I'm home. 1:05:23.880 --> 1:05:26.680 Right and it's time to cook, it's time to cook. 1:05:26.960 --> 1:05:29.200 It's not like has a role, I have a roll. 1:05:30.400 --> 1:05:50.560 You got the trash too young, I said, well, baby. 1:05:45.560 --> 1:05:48.560 So yeah, so that that piece around like, it's a lot. 1:05:48.840 --> 1:05:50.160 Yes, it is a lot of work. 1:05:50.440 --> 1:05:55.200 But I can imagine choosing to have to. 1:05:55.080 --> 1:05:57.080 Swap you have to use the term swap out. 1:05:58.440 --> 1:05:59.680 That's a lot of words. 1:05:59.720 --> 1:06:00.640 That's a lot of words. 1:06:01.600 --> 1:06:05.120 That's a lot of no return on investment, right that part. 1:06:05.360 --> 1:06:10.520 I want you to say that again, return on investment, right, Yeah, 1:06:11.280 --> 1:06:12.320 the whole way. 1:06:13.280 --> 1:06:16.320 I don't believe God is the all norm. 1:06:17.000 --> 1:06:20.720 I firmly believe I would not be who I am 1:06:20.880 --> 1:06:23.400 and what I do without this one here. 1:06:23.480 --> 1:06:23.919 It is. 1:06:25.440 --> 1:06:26.400 Bottom line. 1:06:27.000 --> 1:06:31.400 I make no bones about that at all. Right, And 1:06:31.680 --> 1:06:35.120 this is front and center. This has to be front 1:06:35.200 --> 1:06:38.040 center after God. This is front and center in our life. 1:06:38.120 --> 1:06:40.440 Let me ask you this, Craig uh. You talk to 1:06:40.480 --> 1:06:46.000 a lot of successful black men yes, what do they 1:06:46.080 --> 1:06:49.080 say is the tension in the dating pool? What do 1:06:49.120 --> 1:06:54.720 they say is the challenge? And those who desire marriage. 1:06:55.400 --> 1:07:00.440 From the male perspective, I think that again, it depends 1:07:00.440 --> 1:07:01.280 on their age range. 1:07:01.320 --> 1:07:05.040 I talk to younger men and men from what age 1:07:05.040 --> 1:07:06.320 you say young to what. 1:07:06.520 --> 1:07:11.240 I would say, I'm talking those thirty ish on up 1:07:11.320 --> 1:07:12.120 to my age. 1:07:13.120 --> 1:07:15.800 Your age is what I'm be approaching. I'll be sixty 1:07:15.880 --> 1:07:16.360 in November. 1:07:16.920 --> 1:07:17.720 Yeah it is. 1:07:18.120 --> 1:07:21.240 And so you know, you're talking about folks who are young. 1:07:21.080 --> 1:07:26.560 Men, who are degreed, who have careers, who have built things, 1:07:26.600 --> 1:07:31.600 who have worked on themselves and through all the aspects 1:07:31.640 --> 1:07:34.600 of mental health, physical health, all those things, spiritual health. 1:07:35.200 --> 1:07:40.080 And so they are ready and they sometimes men are 1:07:40.080 --> 1:07:45.080 getting a bad rap about dang ready. And what I 1:07:45.120 --> 1:07:47.960 hear from the men I know who are standing on business, 1:07:48.640 --> 1:07:52.760 they are not willing to sacrifice their peace and well 1:07:52.800 --> 1:07:56.520 being to deal with crazy. And the crazy comes in 1:07:56.560 --> 1:07:59.640 a lot of different forms. It's not just the sister 1:07:59.760 --> 1:08:01.760 and the street. It could also be the sister in 1:08:01.800 --> 1:08:05.160 the boatroom and they're like, you know what, I will 1:08:05.320 --> 1:08:08.200 rather exit out and let me be labeled. 1:08:08.240 --> 1:08:09.200 I can't deal with. 1:08:09.040 --> 1:08:09.720 A strong woman. 1:08:09.760 --> 1:08:12.360 No, I don't deal with crazy, And I'm not going 1:08:12.400 --> 1:08:14.560 to deal with crazy. And I will go ahead and 1:08:14.640 --> 1:08:17.600 continue to search for my queen or my maid or 1:08:17.680 --> 1:08:20.960 my my partner some other form. But I'm not going 1:08:21.040 --> 1:08:23.919 to stay in something because I have worked on myself 1:08:24.000 --> 1:08:28.200 and I'm not giving this up just because and and 1:08:28.200 --> 1:08:32.120 and they and they are steadfast abound staying away from 1:08:32.120 --> 1:08:33.320 crazy at all costs. 1:08:33.479 --> 1:08:36.200 So define what they see crazy. 1:08:35.800 --> 1:08:38.120 As it runs. 1:08:38.240 --> 1:08:42.680 It runs the gamut of it could be narcissism. 1:08:42.840 --> 1:08:44.960 And I think we used this word earlier in terms 1:08:44.960 --> 1:08:46.080 of I've made it. 1:08:46.120 --> 1:08:50.080 I got a successful career, I got followers, I got all. 1:08:49.960 --> 1:08:51.760 This stuff, and you don't. You ain't living up to 1:08:51.840 --> 1:08:52.880 my to my. 1:08:52.960 --> 1:08:54.160 Standard, or you know. 1:08:54.439 --> 1:09:00.479 Or people are dealing with untreated trauma and and toxic 1:09:00.560 --> 1:09:03.320 lifestyles that are getting in aware of them being their 1:09:03.360 --> 1:09:07.559 best selves, let alone trying to be a partner for someone. 1:09:07.640 --> 1:09:09.400 So they are still getting aware of their own best 1:09:09.479 --> 1:09:13.040 selves because they haven't dealt with their own trauma, untreated trauma. 1:09:14.200 --> 1:09:20.200 And so you're finding marriage minded men who aren't getting 1:09:20.240 --> 1:09:24.160 married currently because they feel like they're just running into 1:09:24.400 --> 1:09:26.720 a lot of toxic women. But then a lot of 1:09:26.800 --> 1:09:29.679 men have to carry the burden of if you want 1:09:29.720 --> 1:09:32.320 to get married, you could just get married. But who 1:09:32.400 --> 1:09:37.840 they're choosing are women that aren't women that they can 1:09:37.920 --> 1:09:40.519 see as wives. Basically, yeah, yeah, some. 1:09:42.400 --> 1:09:43.519 What I've heard some of them. 1:09:43.600 --> 1:09:46.720 Some they feel some women are addicted to the lifestyle 1:09:47.160 --> 1:09:52.080 of being single and being pursued, not because they want 1:09:52.120 --> 1:09:52.479 to be caught. 1:09:52.479 --> 1:09:53.599 They just like being pursued. 1:09:54.439 --> 1:09:57.439 See. People don't talk about that part that they like 1:09:57.520 --> 1:09:59.000 the attention, the attention. 1:09:59.120 --> 1:10:00.599 They like the attention of. 1:10:00.439 --> 1:10:04.400 Being that girl, that woman that a lot of dudes 1:10:04.720 --> 1:10:07.800 look at on social media, look her at on the 1:10:07.880 --> 1:10:10.280 job and be like Ooh, I want her, and they 1:10:10.439 --> 1:10:13.120 like and then you'll see it show up when they 1:10:13.120 --> 1:10:15.200 get married. A lot of times they'll end up get 1:10:15.200 --> 1:10:18.920 married and they'll still seek that attention. I'm not gonna 1:10:18.920 --> 1:10:22.599 speak about a specific person, but it was this couple, 1:10:23.000 --> 1:10:27.559 this NBA star whose wife said that she doesn't feel 1:10:27.600 --> 1:10:30.400 desirable anymore because a lot of men don't hit on 1:10:30.479 --> 1:10:31.040 her anymore. 1:10:31.760 --> 1:10:33.400 And this man is. 1:10:34.840 --> 1:10:37.000 A high level basketball player, And I was like, what 1:10:37.040 --> 1:10:39.759 would that make me feel like if my wife said 1:10:39.800 --> 1:10:43.760 that she doesn't feel desirable because other men aren't hitting 1:10:43.760 --> 1:10:46.200 on her, I'll be like a message. 1:10:46.320 --> 1:10:48.120 Like is that what you that's what you want? 1:10:48.439 --> 1:10:49.160 You know what I'm saying. 1:10:49.360 --> 1:10:51.800 But she went viral saying that, and I was like 1:10:52.120 --> 1:10:54.519 and then some women was like why I kind of 1:10:54.640 --> 1:10:58.160 understand because you do want to know that you're desirable 1:10:58.240 --> 1:11:01.680 by a lot of men. And I'm like, what, Like, 1:11:01.760 --> 1:11:05.360 I've never ever thought like as a as a married man, 1:11:05.400 --> 1:11:08.599 I never sit there and say, Astley, I mean all 1:11:08.640 --> 1:11:11.400 these stalker women that used to stop me while I 1:11:11.439 --> 1:11:16.720 was single, I missed them. They used to wish I 1:11:16.760 --> 1:11:19.240 was getting gifts like I used to. I just I 1:11:19.320 --> 1:11:22.200 just don't feel desirable anymore. It's like, no, that's called 1:11:22.240 --> 1:11:26.360 a midlife crisis. So it's like, where does that come 1:11:26.439 --> 1:11:29.639 into play. You're about to say something. 1:11:29.479 --> 1:11:34.000 About, you know, just thinking about what people can get 1:11:34.040 --> 1:11:38.000 caught up in the attention they get for from others 1:11:38.080 --> 1:11:39.839 around getting married. 1:11:40.920 --> 1:11:42.760 Right, you're getting married. 1:11:42.439 --> 1:11:45.360 You know you're gonna right, but how many Well there 1:11:45.560 --> 1:11:49.800 is the same attention on yourself there for the work 1:11:49.840 --> 1:11:51.839 of the of the marriage life. 1:11:52.280 --> 1:11:52.559 It is. 1:11:52.720 --> 1:11:56.840 It's not it's not about getting married, right, because you 1:11:56.880 --> 1:12:00.360 know how much we spend on our way probably. 1:12:00.120 --> 1:12:03.240 Like I was gonna say, fifteen hundred but maybe eighteen 1:12:03.320 --> 1:12:06.240 hundred dollars. Yeah, we had a budget wedding. Like we said, 1:12:06.240 --> 1:12:07.960 we had no money really and my husband's I worked 1:12:07.960 --> 1:12:11.400 at budget and you had a budget. That's right, he 1:12:11.479 --> 1:12:13.000 said to me. He was like, we're not going into 1:12:13.040 --> 1:12:15.400 debt over a wedding. We're gonna use what we have. 1:12:15.520 --> 1:12:17.760 We're gonna get people to help us. And we had 1:12:17.760 --> 1:12:20.400 a friend who gave us a discount on catering. People 1:12:20.400 --> 1:12:24.200 are putting the decorations up and the master we literally 1:12:24.439 --> 1:12:28.240 we used my uncle's time share for our honeymoon Saint Martin. 1:12:28.439 --> 1:12:29.800 I mean it was like and then we came back 1:12:29.800 --> 1:12:31.240 and he was like, we're just not gonna go into debt. 1:12:31.280 --> 1:12:31.720 We don't have to. 1:12:34.200 --> 1:12:37.080 Listen. And then we went to all them darned time 1:12:37.120 --> 1:12:37.360 she had. 1:12:37.400 --> 1:12:43.240 Means yeah, yeah, yeah, everything an hour and a half 1:12:43.320 --> 1:12:43.599 to sit. 1:12:44.720 --> 1:12:46.280 In fact, I said him one day, I said, listen, 1:12:46.400 --> 1:12:48.320 we havepping through our honeymoon. Now we're going no more 1:12:48.360 --> 1:12:50.439 meetings anything else. We had a free boat ride, a 1:12:50.439 --> 1:12:52.400 free carving to a free I said, a free day. 1:12:52.479 --> 1:12:53.160 I said, that's enough. 1:12:54.000 --> 1:12:56.920 Can do that. 1:12:58.400 --> 1:13:01.040 We can upgrade the room. We're gonna try to get. 1:13:00.600 --> 1:13:03.479 Say, I mean that we do what you gotta do. 1:13:05.560 --> 1:13:06.519 Said, We're not gonna buy it. 1:13:06.520 --> 1:13:09.880 We're going to the beach. Right after that, my stomach growling. 1:13:09.920 --> 1:13:10.760 Can we go eat? 1:13:10.920 --> 1:13:12.680 Yeah, they said you come and eat with you with 1:13:12.920 --> 1:13:14.679 one of my part of the presentation, that man sitting 1:13:14.680 --> 1:13:16.360 across the table while were eating. I was like, this 1:13:16.400 --> 1:13:22.680 is crazy, yeah, exactly. 1:13:23.520 --> 1:13:25.600 Oh my gosh. Do you know the first book I 1:13:25.640 --> 1:13:28.840 gave you, Smart Money Moves for African Americans. 1:13:30.120 --> 1:13:32.320 So our first conversation was really about. 1:13:32.960 --> 1:13:35.240 Financing money in the future, building wealth. 1:13:35.360 --> 1:13:35.519 Yeah. 1:13:35.560 --> 1:13:36.800 He was like, and he said, I need you to 1:13:36.840 --> 1:13:39.280 read this book. Talk to you about this book. I 1:13:39.280 --> 1:13:42.080 was like, okay, I'm still trying to get smart with 1:13:49.280 --> 1:13:51.559 I'm trying to stay right on that track my head. 1:13:52.200 --> 1:13:53.880 But he did. He was very he was very This 1:13:53.960 --> 1:13:55.040 is the thing too that I was going to say, 1:13:55.080 --> 1:13:56.960 and I'm glad you said that, because the truth is 1:13:57.000 --> 1:13:59.519 that so Craig was very well read. I mean he 1:13:59.640 --> 1:14:02.400 is still to this day, but he was very well read. 1:14:02.400 --> 1:14:04.160 And there were books that we could talk about, things 1:14:04.200 --> 1:14:05.760 that we read that I can connect with him on 1:14:05.880 --> 1:14:07.920 and just experiences and I would say, oh my gosh. 1:14:07.960 --> 1:14:10.160 And at one point I said, did you like go 1:14:10.200 --> 1:14:11.880 to law school some because he'd always try. I thought 1:14:11.880 --> 1:14:13.400 he was a lawyer and then he's like, not just 1:14:13.400 --> 1:14:17.280 play one on TV. But he had all these you know, 1:14:17.760 --> 1:14:20.240 he had the vernacular, he had the intellect, and he 1:14:20.280 --> 1:14:22.439 also had the curiosity, which I thought was really great, 1:14:22.920 --> 1:14:24.519 you know what I mean. And that excited me too. 1:14:24.560 --> 1:14:26.040 So I was like, oh, this is a guy who 1:14:26.080 --> 1:14:29.000 likes to learn. He's a life learner. I love life learners. 1:14:29.000 --> 1:14:31.160 I'm just like people who like to learn, who are 1:14:31.160 --> 1:14:34.479 interested in things and people and understand just how big 1:14:34.520 --> 1:14:36.559 we are yet small at the same time, you know, 1:14:37.560 --> 1:14:40.800 and just the interconnectedness of the humanity that we that 1:14:40.840 --> 1:14:43.240 we exist in. It's just it's fascinating. So for me, 1:14:43.320 --> 1:14:45.599 I was just super excited that, you know, he brought 1:14:45.600 --> 1:14:47.600 all those other little things this is That was the 1:14:47.640 --> 1:14:49.439 actually on the muscapitalist too, by the way. 1:14:49.920 --> 1:14:51.679 And I love what you said because so many women 1:14:51.760 --> 1:14:53.639 I hear them say like he has to make six 1:14:53.720 --> 1:14:56.880 figures or whatever that is. But if you when you 1:14:56.920 --> 1:14:59.840 look at the traits of a person, that's so much 1:15:00.040 --> 1:15:03.160 stronger because what you're really looking for is not the 1:15:03.400 --> 1:15:06.880 dollar assign attached to his job, right, because if he 1:15:06.960 --> 1:15:10.559 loses his job tomorrow, and he's not ambitious, you're going 1:15:10.600 --> 1:15:13.920 to be homeless. So behind the money, you have to 1:15:14.000 --> 1:15:17.640 unpack what those traits are about a person, because if 1:15:17.640 --> 1:15:20.800 he's ambitious, when he loses the job, he's gonna still 1:15:20.840 --> 1:15:23.519 be ambitious and he's going to get another job. But 1:15:23.560 --> 1:15:26.439 if you only look at the six figures, then what 1:15:26.600 --> 1:15:30.240 happens when he loses that, right, because that's the thing 1:15:30.240 --> 1:15:33.040 that you're valuing, So it's only a self fulfilling prophecy. 1:15:33.200 --> 1:15:35.360 He gonna lose it and then you're gonna be stuck 1:15:35.400 --> 1:15:38.639 with somebody where you prioritize the fact that on paper 1:15:38.680 --> 1:15:40.840 they had this. Now when they don't have it, they 1:15:40.840 --> 1:15:42.160 don't know how to recover. 1:15:41.960 --> 1:15:44.559 That's right, and they and they can get to a 1:15:44.600 --> 1:15:47.600 place of want to unlive themselves because that's value is 1:15:47.720 --> 1:15:49.360 only a tach y'all. 1:15:49.360 --> 1:15:51.760 Remember when Ronan. 1:15:53.000 --> 1:15:56.200 Broke my heart to hear so many people can you know, 1:15:56.200 --> 1:15:59.320 I can't say the word on social but unlive themselves? 1:15:59.400 --> 1:16:01.080 Jumping off readis and stuff. 1:16:00.840 --> 1:16:03.920 Because the job went bankrupt because they lost their four 1:16:04.040 --> 1:16:06.559 one k and all that you need somebody whose value 1:16:06.680 --> 1:16:09.040 is attached to us in their bank account. And I 1:16:09.120 --> 1:16:11.439 was just like, wow, these people a company had that 1:16:11.560 --> 1:16:14.720 level of control. Fact that there's so many other companies 1:16:14.760 --> 1:16:17.280 to go work for. But because they felt like they 1:16:17.439 --> 1:16:21.920 lost their futures, that's their their four one k's their retirements. 1:16:22.000 --> 1:16:24.840 They said, I no longer have value on this earth. Well, 1:16:24.880 --> 1:16:26.800 you see, this is why come on. 1:16:26.800 --> 1:16:28.840 Teach, this is why I wrote this book to let 1:16:28.840 --> 1:16:31.759 me say this power, imagine power, we imagine my mission 1:16:31.880 --> 1:16:34.280 to get it, grow it and give it away. Because 1:16:35.160 --> 1:16:37.360 we live in a time of urgency where people have 1:16:37.439 --> 1:16:39.720 to be able to stand to their own power, but 1:16:39.760 --> 1:16:41.960 more importantly, for people to be able to understand that 1:16:42.000 --> 1:16:45.840 their value is not connected to their titles, to their 1:16:45.880 --> 1:16:48.200 to where they work, to the companies, that we don't 1:16:48.200 --> 1:16:51.120 get built up by companies and jobs, that we come 1:16:51.200 --> 1:16:54.000 as people who get built up by communities and families, 1:16:54.439 --> 1:16:59.120 and that we in our essence right have innate qualities. 1:16:59.400 --> 1:17:02.160 Right as we talk about the Declaration of Independence, you know, 1:17:02.320 --> 1:17:04.760 all these inalible rights that we have. But more importantly, 1:17:05.080 --> 1:17:08.960 but God has given us these wonderful values and qualities 1:17:08.960 --> 1:17:11.080 that we have internally that we don't even know we 1:17:11.120 --> 1:17:13.960 oftentimes have because we don't tap into them. And so 1:17:14.040 --> 1:17:16.600 the power that we really are we own actually is 1:17:16.880 --> 1:17:18.639 power that we get from outside of all these other 1:17:18.680 --> 1:17:24.120 things that we assign value to. Right And so for me, really, 1:17:24.280 --> 1:17:25.920 I know what it likes to feel powerless. I know 1:17:25.920 --> 1:17:27.920 what it's likes to feel powerless. I've been there right 1:17:28.040 --> 1:17:30.920 where people told you you weren't enough, you weren't supposed 1:17:30.920 --> 1:17:32.360 to be in the circle because you didn't do the 1:17:32.439 --> 1:17:34.600 right things, you don't know the right people. And so 1:17:34.800 --> 1:17:36.960 I wanted people to understand that this was a time 1:17:37.000 --> 1:17:39.720 and place where we all should be thinking about who 1:17:39.760 --> 1:17:42.160 are we at our essence, what do we bring, what 1:17:42.240 --> 1:17:44.320 power do we have, and then how do we use 1:17:44.360 --> 1:17:46.320 that power to help other people? How do we share 1:17:46.360 --> 1:17:48.439 that power? And that's really what this book is about. 1:17:48.560 --> 1:17:51.559 So it's a it's a business book that is wrapped 1:17:51.640 --> 1:17:53.880 around a story that happens to be my life story, 1:17:54.120 --> 1:17:56.880 but more importantly is a leadership journey about what it 1:17:56.880 --> 1:17:59.120 looks like to stand up in places that are not 1:17:59.160 --> 1:18:01.640 built for us, to leave with impact and integrity, and 1:18:01.680 --> 1:18:04.680 to help people understand how to use that power and 1:18:04.720 --> 1:18:07.040 that the power that we have at home is connected 1:18:07.080 --> 1:18:08.920 to the power that we have in the world. It's 1:18:08.920 --> 1:18:11.639 not separate. You can never entangle it. And so people 1:18:11.720 --> 1:18:13.840 oftentimes think that when you're at work, you're one person 1:18:13.880 --> 1:18:16.160 and you're home with somebody else. But I believe that 1:18:16.240 --> 1:18:18.720 who we are is who we are, and so that's 1:18:18.720 --> 1:18:21.000 really what this book is early about ultimately, and I want. 1:18:20.920 --> 1:18:22.960 You all to go click the link in the description 1:18:24.160 --> 1:18:27.200 and go get this book. It's available on Amazon everywhere 1:18:27.240 --> 1:18:29.680 you purchase your favorite books. Make sure that you go 1:18:29.840 --> 1:18:33.640 get this book. You're about to say something, Craig. 1:18:33.439 --> 1:18:35.160 Yeah, I want to go back to something asking you 1:18:35.160 --> 1:18:40.000 you were mentioning around people. You know, people sometimes wanting 1:18:40.520 --> 1:18:45.160 a spouse with money, or do you want money? Somebody 1:18:45.160 --> 1:18:46.840 who makes a lot of money and they got a 1:18:46.840 --> 1:18:50.040 lot of power, right, But what good is that if. 1:18:49.960 --> 1:18:52.719 The person is not generous and kind? 1:18:53.000 --> 1:18:53.240 Yep? 1:18:53.400 --> 1:18:53.519 Right? 1:18:53.640 --> 1:18:53.880 Right? 1:18:53.920 --> 1:18:56.920 So he can he in this case, he can have 1:18:57.680 --> 1:19:00.200 a lot of money. But if he's not generous, do. 1:19:00.200 --> 1:19:01.000 You never see it? 1:19:01.439 --> 1:19:01.599 Right? 1:19:05.840 --> 1:19:07.719 He's going to do line the way where it only 1:19:07.760 --> 1:19:13.799 benefits him. But he has power and he's not kind. 1:19:14.479 --> 1:19:15.320 How is that going to show? 1:19:17.360 --> 1:19:17.519 Right? 1:19:18.120 --> 1:19:21.040 So, like, what are the things that again we talked about, 1:19:21.120 --> 1:19:22.559 what are the things that we value? 1:19:23.120 --> 1:19:25.760 There are the things that we believe that we actually truly. 1:19:25.800 --> 1:19:29.479 Need and desire in our relationships, and we need to 1:19:29.479 --> 1:19:31.760 just be really clear about what those things are and 1:19:31.800 --> 1:19:32.280 what they're not. 1:19:33.160 --> 1:19:33.639 That's good. 1:19:34.720 --> 1:19:35.639 Good, that's good. 1:19:36.560 --> 1:19:37.960 How long did it take you to write this book? 1:19:38.760 --> 1:19:39.000 You know? 1:19:39.160 --> 1:19:41.559 A little I would say a little bit less than 1:19:41.960 --> 1:19:44.479 two years, baby, like a little over over a year 1:19:44.479 --> 1:19:44.880 and a half. 1:19:45.080 --> 1:19:49.760 In the process of writing, your learning about yourself on 1:19:49.800 --> 1:19:53.519 a different level of certain lessons that you are now uncovering, 1:19:53.560 --> 1:19:55.840 you go, wow, I remember I went through that. I 1:19:55.840 --> 1:19:57.840 didn't think I was gonna make it through that. What 1:19:57.880 --> 1:19:59.960 were some of those aha moments? As you was right, 1:20:00.040 --> 1:20:02.880 and Craig mentioned his homeboys reading the book and said, 1:20:02.880 --> 1:20:03.519 hold on. 1:20:05.120 --> 1:20:06.200 She'd have made you go through that. 1:20:06.320 --> 1:20:11.000 He was like, hey, listen, so what were some of 1:20:11.000 --> 1:20:12.920 those aha moments for you? You know? 1:20:13.040 --> 1:20:15.240 I think you know, writing is one of those processes 1:20:15.280 --> 1:20:17.960 where you it's so personal, but at the same time 1:20:18.000 --> 1:20:20.240 you know it's going to become so public, so you 1:20:20.360 --> 1:20:21.800 have to get out of your own head. I think 1:20:21.800 --> 1:20:24.600 at times where you start to self edit before you 1:20:24.640 --> 1:20:27.200 really get to put the truth down. So putting the 1:20:27.200 --> 1:20:29.240 truth down is so important first, I think, and then 1:20:29.320 --> 1:20:31.479 and then coming back later on and saying you know what, Okay, 1:20:31.479 --> 1:20:33.320 maybe I don't want to say that part right, But 1:20:33.360 --> 1:20:35.880 for me, the AHA moment really was that I wanted 1:20:35.880 --> 1:20:38.559 this to be a book that showed highs and lows. 1:20:38.600 --> 1:20:39.880 I didn't want it just to be like I did 1:20:39.880 --> 1:20:42.120 all these great things in life. I wanted people to know, 1:20:42.200 --> 1:20:44.040 like what it meant to be in the valley and 1:20:44.080 --> 1:20:47.280 on the mountaintop, right, because I think so often we 1:20:47.439 --> 1:20:51.000 get excited about the end product going back to what 1:20:51.040 --> 1:20:53.000 as she was saying, right, but we don't want to 1:20:53.000 --> 1:20:54.800 hear REALI about what it took to get to get 1:20:54.800 --> 1:20:56.840 that diamond shining right, and how we had to cut 1:20:56.840 --> 1:20:58.679 that up and stuff like that. And so I felt 1:20:58.720 --> 1:21:01.240 like for me, I wanted people to recognize that this 1:21:01.360 --> 1:21:05.680 was really a story about how do we get powerful 1:21:06.360 --> 1:21:08.840 on an everyday basis, right, not when you like on 1:21:08.920 --> 1:21:11.160 a stage, like what does it mean to be powerful? 1:21:11.240 --> 1:21:14.240 Just like cleaning your dishes, walking to school, you know, 1:21:14.479 --> 1:21:16.840 driving your card work, Like what does that look like? 1:21:16.880 --> 1:21:18.559 And so I wanted people to have a real sense 1:21:18.600 --> 1:21:21.559 of the connectivity between what that looked like for me 1:21:21.960 --> 1:21:24.280 as an individual and what it can mean for other people, 1:21:24.360 --> 1:21:26.960 and particularly young people. I think who struggle with this 1:21:27.080 --> 1:21:29.320 notion of how they have to achieve certain things and 1:21:29.360 --> 1:21:31.360 get to certain places by a certain period of time. 1:21:31.720 --> 1:21:34.439 And I just thought, personally, I was a kid who was, 1:21:34.520 --> 1:21:36.719 as you know, at twenty four, who had a checklist 1:21:36.960 --> 1:21:39.880 on life about what needed to happen by when I 1:21:39.920 --> 1:21:43.479 needed to also tell people that we have to take breaks, right, 1:21:43.720 --> 1:21:46.519 because the truth is that, as you see in the book, 1:21:46.600 --> 1:21:48.920 there are times in the book where well, I don't 1:21:48.920 --> 1:21:51.840 do so well. Actually I lose it a little bit, right, 1:21:51.920 --> 1:21:54.360 There's some losses here, and I had to step back 1:21:54.400 --> 1:21:58.200 and redefine and reimagine what power really was. Because the 1:21:58.320 --> 1:22:00.680 lesson that I was taught about power was it a 1:22:00.720 --> 1:22:02.920 corrupt version of what power was. And so I needed 1:22:02.920 --> 1:22:06.040 to redefine and reimagine what power should be, what it 1:22:06.120 --> 1:22:08.479 can be, and hopefully what it will be for all 1:22:08.520 --> 1:22:10.320 of us. And so that's what I'm trying to help 1:22:10.360 --> 1:22:13.200 people understand about the power that we have and the 1:22:13.240 --> 1:22:15.000 power that we hold, and the power that we must 1:22:15.040 --> 1:22:16.240 share with other people. 1:22:17.760 --> 1:22:21.960 Good these That's amazing because even reading this book can 1:22:22.000 --> 1:22:25.000 help people understand, like you said, from their personal life, 1:22:25.160 --> 1:22:28.760 how to prioritize things of importance yeah, because even when 1:22:28.760 --> 1:22:31.839 you say that power the title or use the word power, 1:22:32.320 --> 1:22:36.400 you know, the first thing people go to is a 1:22:36.520 --> 1:22:38.880 high level of that. You know, I got to be 1:22:38.960 --> 1:22:41.680 the CEO of this. It's more of a control on 1:22:41.760 --> 1:22:44.800 a high level. Some may end up going to the 1:22:44.840 --> 1:22:47.320 TV show Power, you know what I'm saying, where that's 1:22:47.400 --> 1:22:50.320 a different corrupt level of power. That's instead of saying, 1:22:50.360 --> 1:22:53.360 how can I show up with power in my everyday life? 1:22:53.560 --> 1:22:55.840 It may be even hard just getting out the bed 1:22:55.920 --> 1:22:58.680 because people may be struggling with depression. But I'm going 1:22:58.760 --> 1:23:01.800 to take power over this situation and get up. 1:23:02.040 --> 1:23:05.000 And that's and that's in chapter what I'll tell you. 1:23:05.080 --> 1:23:08.400 I think it's chapter three the Power Tank. But no, 1:23:08.439 --> 1:23:11.439 but that's real and that too, right, because we have 1:23:11.600 --> 1:23:14.360 all these things that we are trying to accomplish oftentimes 1:23:15.360 --> 1:23:17.719 and we're checking off these lists, and we've been told 1:23:17.840 --> 1:23:21.120 that power looks a certain way, right, and so we 1:23:21.240 --> 1:23:24.320 have to we have to dismantle this myth of what 1:23:24.360 --> 1:23:26.439 power really is and we have to reclaim it. And 1:23:26.479 --> 1:23:29.360 I think that's really what you know. Somebody said to 1:23:29.400 --> 1:23:31.040 the other day who was the principal of a school, 1:23:31.040 --> 1:23:32.960 and she said, I'm reading this book and I'm in tears, 1:23:33.000 --> 1:23:34.920 and I'm like, really, she says, you know what, because 1:23:34.960 --> 1:23:38.160 you actually you're helping me understand that I shouldn't be 1:23:38.240 --> 1:23:40.680 running from power, I should be running toward power so 1:23:40.720 --> 1:23:43.320 I can share with other people. I said, absolutely, we've been. 1:23:43.439 --> 1:23:46.280 We've been relinquishing our power, giving it up to other 1:23:46.320 --> 1:23:49.600 people so they can abuse it, and then not recognizing 1:23:49.640 --> 1:23:51.680 that we're not standing in our own power, with the 1:23:51.760 --> 1:23:54.519 rights that we have to be in that space, and 1:23:54.600 --> 1:23:57.479 losing it, and then we're wondering why things are crumbling 1:23:57.520 --> 1:24:00.599 around us. Right, So, so much for me is about 1:24:00.640 --> 1:24:03.160 making sure that we reclaim what we know we're supposed 1:24:03.160 --> 1:24:05.160 to have and do the right thing with it. God 1:24:05.200 --> 1:24:07.160 has given it to us for a reason. It's alone, 1:24:07.479 --> 1:24:09.559 it's a beautiful loan, and it's supposed to be used 1:24:09.560 --> 1:24:11.600 for good things, and that's what I'm hoping to do. 1:24:12.080 --> 1:24:14.479 We asked Craig a minute to go about what he 1:24:14.479 --> 1:24:18.479 hears from his single uh men that he talks to. 1:24:18.920 --> 1:24:20.960 What do you hear from the single women? 1:24:21.800 --> 1:24:24.720 Well, I mean, I'm hearing a lot of things, but 1:24:25.280 --> 1:24:30.439 I can't say everything. No, right, right, But what I 1:24:30.479 --> 1:24:32.519 think I mean, Listen, I hear that it's hard out 1:24:32.520 --> 1:24:34.320 there of the day in game, it's hard out there. 1:24:34.720 --> 1:24:38.799 It's difficult. Sometimes you know, they're looking for the husband, 1:24:38.880 --> 1:24:41.879 the brother to try to you know, get you know, uh, 1:24:41.960 --> 1:24:45.479 the marriage proposal hopefully. But at the same time, you know, 1:24:45.520 --> 1:24:48.160 I think sometimes people are not ready, right, and you know, 1:24:48.200 --> 1:24:49.240 we alluded to some of that. 1:24:49.720 --> 1:24:52.559 I think I have you told women that have spoken 1:24:52.640 --> 1:24:55.439 to you about Yeah, these men ain't stepping up, they're 1:24:55.479 --> 1:24:58.880 not doing this. And as you've been assessing them, you say, 1:24:59.520 --> 1:25:01.360 maybe you know, ready for marriage. Some stuff that you're 1:25:01.360 --> 1:25:03.160 saying right now ready? 1:25:03.439 --> 1:25:06.320 Oh yeah, I'll tell sis is easily to say, Okay, 1:25:06.320 --> 1:25:08.760 well listen you let me tell you about how sort 1:25:08.800 --> 1:25:10.720 of you're gonna need to work on yourself. Because the thing, 1:25:10.760 --> 1:25:13.599 a large part of what I think we miss is 1:25:14.000 --> 1:25:16.240 we want other people to be ready made, but we're 1:25:16.280 --> 1:25:18.759 not really ready to sort of come to the party 1:25:19.600 --> 1:25:21.479 prepare it either, quite honestly, and so we have to 1:25:21.520 --> 1:25:23.280 figure out some of those other pieces that are missing 1:25:23.400 --> 1:25:25.680 within ourselves. But I do I will say this, I 1:25:25.720 --> 1:25:28.000 have a lot of hope for relationships and people. I 1:25:28.000 --> 1:25:29.799 think that we just have to do the work on ourselves. 1:25:30.040 --> 1:25:32.360 I think Craig always says, get a good therapist. I 1:25:32.360 --> 1:25:35.920 think that's true, right, People need to really be prepared 1:25:36.000 --> 1:25:37.559 just to kind of do the self work and then 1:25:37.600 --> 1:25:41.680 more importantly, to be graceful with other people. I think 1:25:41.800 --> 1:25:44.439 too often we don't get people grace to be able 1:25:44.479 --> 1:25:47.439 to grow and we recognize that we're all growing and 1:25:47.479 --> 1:25:50.960 we're never complete. And so for me, I just think that, 1:25:51.000 --> 1:25:52.799 you know, I tell sisters all the time, like, you're 1:25:52.880 --> 1:25:55.600 gonna just have to try to reimagine what it is 1:25:55.640 --> 1:25:58.120 that you think you're really looking for and get down 1:25:58.160 --> 1:26:00.960 to bare bones, what is it that you really need 1:26:01.280 --> 1:26:03.360 and want in a mate versus all the stuff that 1:26:03.400 --> 1:26:05.600 your friends tell you that you should have, Right, I 1:26:05.600 --> 1:26:07.280 think a lot of it is big ball and and 1:26:07.320 --> 1:26:09.280 all that stuff. And you know we got to work 1:26:09.320 --> 1:26:11.920 on that. Yeah, yeah, well, and I have one. 1:26:12.080 --> 1:26:14.639 So we talked a little bit about how you had 1:26:14.680 --> 1:26:18.000 Kadeza do the application process, but you never shared the 1:26:18.040 --> 1:26:20.600 results of what you found out when you called her references. 1:26:23.000 --> 1:26:29.320 Okay, I am. 1:26:29.280 --> 1:26:32.360 So glad you brought that because. 1:26:34.880 --> 1:26:39.479 It was what's the word, so what I'm looking for? 1:26:41.160 --> 1:26:44.800 It was a very important moment, defining. 1:26:44.720 --> 1:26:47.640 A very defining moment, right, the world, I think is 1:26:47.520 --> 1:26:51.880 the cinema, which one the world is like when something's 1:26:51.920 --> 1:26:54.640 really important that at this moment and it come back 1:26:54.680 --> 1:26:54.880 to me. 1:26:55.120 --> 1:26:55.360 Okay. 1:26:57.040 --> 1:27:01.439 Speaking to one of the references, it was an older 1:27:01.920 --> 1:27:05.679 sister from our community that had a lot of respect 1:27:05.720 --> 1:27:10.679 for and who known Kadija make your whole life. And 1:27:11.320 --> 1:27:14.640 she said to me, she said, you know, Craig, I 1:27:14.800 --> 1:27:18.439 know you have a lot of respect for you. She said, 1:27:18.720 --> 1:27:25.599 my concern is it's about Kadija. We the older sister 1:27:25.640 --> 1:27:30.519 in the community, looked to Kadija as this bright light, right, 1:27:31.200 --> 1:27:35.920 and we worry that who she marries, would they look 1:27:36.000 --> 1:27:39.320 to put her in a cage, a cage exactly what 1:27:39.400 --> 1:27:40.879 someone says, a cage? 1:27:41.080 --> 1:27:44.679 Right, What will you try to confine her? 1:27:45.520 --> 1:27:48.320 Right when you try to, will whoever marry her try 1:27:48.400 --> 1:27:49.479 to confine her? 1:27:49.680 --> 1:27:51.080 Because you see that a lot with. 1:27:51.640 --> 1:27:55.200 You know these roles, and I'm the man, and you 1:27:55.240 --> 1:27:58.720 see this right, particularly times in religious communities, right, the 1:27:58.800 --> 1:28:02.160 man is right and so you and I remember saying 1:28:02.160 --> 1:28:05.880 to I said, you know, I really appreciate what you said, 1:28:06.160 --> 1:28:09.559 and I still I like to believe I hold onto 1:28:09.600 --> 1:28:13.120 this in my heart that I said to her that 1:28:13.760 --> 1:28:15.080 if I ever felt that I was. 1:28:15.080 --> 1:28:17.200 Getting to a place where I was trying to confine her. 1:28:17.280 --> 1:28:20.640 I would let her go mmmm, because she needs to 1:28:20.640 --> 1:28:23.479 be who she was, and if being with me would 1:28:23.640 --> 1:28:27.040 limit what she had to offer to herself into the world, 1:28:27.840 --> 1:28:29.400 I would have to get out of the way. 1:28:29.600 --> 1:28:32.840 I like to believe. I still believe that. So that's 1:28:32.840 --> 1:28:33.760 why I think you would. 1:28:33.960 --> 1:28:36.760 I would, That's why I should. 1:28:37.280 --> 1:28:37.840 She knows me. 1:28:37.880 --> 1:28:42.400 Actually, I'm I'm a vaccine guy, right, she said. 1:28:43.040 --> 1:28:44.760 She let me know this was important to her. 1:28:46.680 --> 1:28:47.240 This podcast. 1:28:47.320 --> 1:28:49.000 Yeah, because I was like, I need you to come. 1:28:53.080 --> 1:28:54.080 It's behind the I'm a. 1:28:55.320 --> 1:28:58.800 God, that's my spot, right that I could plan out 1:28:58.800 --> 1:28:59.599 a bunch of stuff. 1:29:00.640 --> 1:29:04.439 I like to see things from a different purview. But 1:29:04.600 --> 1:29:05.960 she said this was important to him. 1:29:06.000 --> 1:29:07.120 Like, okay, then we're going. 1:29:07.479 --> 1:29:08.120 Thank you Craig. 1:29:08.280 --> 1:29:10.400 Of course he get to see this. 1:29:10.400 --> 1:29:13.080 This is wonderful wife of yours, and you can see 1:29:13.080 --> 1:29:13.960 you again in person. 1:29:14.479 --> 1:29:14.880 Was great. 1:29:15.520 --> 1:29:20.240 But because this is important to her and her sharing 1:29:20.360 --> 1:29:21.680 of her message. 1:29:21.680 --> 1:29:25.200 To people across the country and across the world, you know, 1:29:25.320 --> 1:29:27.519 it is my duty to be here and support her. 1:29:28.120 --> 1:29:31.479 I'm trying out to cry, well, because that's so important. 1:29:31.520 --> 1:29:33.439 I just think more men need to hear that. Man, 1:29:34.200 --> 1:29:36.920 I think that I just matter of fact, I ain't 1:29:36.920 --> 1:29:39.519 gonna say think. I know. More men need to hear that. 1:29:39.800 --> 1:29:43.600 More couples period need to hear that is to support 1:29:43.800 --> 1:29:48.040 your spouse. It's like, it's not marriage is never meant 1:29:48.040 --> 1:29:51.000 to be comfortable, and so many people are looking for 1:29:51.040 --> 1:29:54.479 a comfortable marriage. It's like, you be what I am, 1:29:54.840 --> 1:29:59.040 and you be what I like, be exactly who I am, 1:29:59.240 --> 1:30:02.040 and it's like, well, white thing, God brought that person 1:30:02.080 --> 1:30:02.400 to you. 1:30:02.720 --> 1:30:04.120 I remember growing up where. 1:30:04.000 --> 1:30:07.160 A Paul ab Duel had this song you take two 1:30:07.160 --> 1:30:09.800 steps forward and I'll take two steps back. We come 1:30:09.840 --> 1:30:12.280 together because opposite is a track. And I remember when 1:30:12.280 --> 1:30:14.080 I was hearing as a young kid, I said, oh, 1:30:14.320 --> 1:30:16.599 why would I want to be somebody opposite? That even 1:30:16.600 --> 1:30:19.879 makes sense to me? I said, how does opposites attract? 1:30:20.120 --> 1:30:22.240 The only thing that I could liken it to at 1:30:22.240 --> 1:30:25.280 that age was magnets and you take you take the 1:30:25.320 --> 1:30:27.840 polarity of a magnet. If they're both positive, it's going 1:30:27.920 --> 1:30:30.400 to push it apart. And I used to always try 1:30:30.400 --> 1:30:34.240 to force it to move and shift and shift, and 1:30:34.280 --> 1:30:35.760 I'd be like, all right, so I'm flipping on the 1:30:35.760 --> 1:30:38.839 negative side. And I try to push it in repel itself, 1:30:39.000 --> 1:30:40.839 and then when you put the negative in the positive, 1:30:40.920 --> 1:30:44.559 it comes together. And I said, but still, why would 1:30:44.600 --> 1:30:48.320 I want to marry somebody that is the opposite of me? 1:30:49.040 --> 1:30:51.800 And my mind goes to that paullab Duel song that 1:30:51.840 --> 1:30:54.559 says that if you can understand how to sentuate the 1:30:54.640 --> 1:30:58.080 positive in each relationship of that person and know that 1:30:58.120 --> 1:31:01.599 person has something in you in them that you need, 1:31:02.160 --> 1:31:04.760 and vice versa, then that's when you have what you 1:31:04.840 --> 1:31:07.640 call the beauty of marriage. You said, this is beautiful, 1:31:07.680 --> 1:31:10.920 This beautiful thing that happens when y'all two come together 1:31:10.920 --> 1:31:14.320 as husband and wife. That is the I call it 1:31:14.400 --> 1:31:18.200 synergetic emergence in my book. It's like the you get 1:31:18.240 --> 1:31:21.360 the synergy and it emerges into something even greater than 1:31:21.360 --> 1:31:24.640 the sum of the sum together, is greater than the individual. 1:31:25.000 --> 1:31:28.640 You said that he talks about how he could have 1:31:28.720 --> 1:31:32.080 never become who he is to this day without you, 1:31:32.920 --> 1:31:36.559 this powerful woman. Do you agree? Could you have become something? 1:31:36.600 --> 1:31:40.080 Could you have still done everything you've done without Craig? Here? 1:31:40.400 --> 1:31:41.040 Not this way? 1:31:41.560 --> 1:31:41.720 Well? 1:31:41.720 --> 1:31:42.760 Why not this way? 1:31:42.920 --> 1:31:46.160 Because I think because I think Craig softened me. Also, 1:31:46.360 --> 1:31:51.680 I was really like so focus, No, I was, but 1:31:51.680 --> 1:31:57.840 but but I was very like, very like, it needs 1:31:57.880 --> 1:32:00.560 to happen this way now that you know, and I 1:32:00.600 --> 1:32:03.360 think that Craig and my children all would say also. 1:32:03.400 --> 1:32:06.200 I think just the children that we have together, our girls. 1:32:06.800 --> 1:32:09.880 I think just that whole experience has softened me in 1:32:09.880 --> 1:32:13.439 some ways and helped me also prioritize things differently, right 1:32:13.880 --> 1:32:16.360 and understand like what the parties really were in life. 1:32:16.400 --> 1:32:18.920 Like the goals and stuff were great, but you know, 1:32:18.960 --> 1:32:21.360 you can't live life for goals just to check them off. 1:32:21.400 --> 1:32:23.240 It's really about like how do you share You go home, 1:32:23.280 --> 1:32:25.439 people have all kinds of goals that they've achieved, they 1:32:25.439 --> 1:32:28.280 go home and you're alone, right, and so like, you know, 1:32:28.360 --> 1:32:30.320 to be able to take a step back and just 1:32:30.320 --> 1:32:32.160 to say, you know what, though, this is an important 1:32:32.200 --> 1:32:35.240 goal that we did together actually, right, because everything that 1:32:35.280 --> 1:32:37.559 we do, anything that I've won, anything that he's won, 1:32:37.600 --> 1:32:39.759 we've done it together. So we can I get excited 1:32:39.760 --> 1:32:41.040 when he's like, I'm like I had a year of 1:32:41.040 --> 1:32:43.599 like, like last year we celebrated Craig like twelve times with awards. 1:32:43.600 --> 1:32:45.880 I was like, yeah, we out there. You know, they're like, 1:32:45.920 --> 1:32:48.080 but it's not your what I'm like, but it is 1:32:48.200 --> 1:32:51.000 not got we got this right? And then he's like, please, 1:32:51.160 --> 1:32:53.160 let's go. We got your book. We got we got 1:32:53.200 --> 1:32:55.400 our book. He said, this book is a birth birth, 1:32:55.439 --> 1:32:57.160 this book. I don't know how long now, But the 1:32:57.240 --> 1:33:01.320 point is is that we really I think we see 1:33:01.520 --> 1:33:03.960 our wins as our wins, like you know what I mean, 1:33:04.120 --> 1:33:05.680 And I think that's really important. So I don't think 1:33:05.720 --> 1:33:07.479 that I would be the person that I am, And 1:33:07.479 --> 1:33:10.519 I'm not even sure I would have done things that 1:33:10.600 --> 1:33:15.360 I've done in many ways without Craig. And I'm not 1:33:15.400 --> 1:33:18.599 so sure because I don't know. Yeah, have you know? 1:33:18.760 --> 1:33:20.840 I mean, I had goals. I was really driven, but 1:33:20.840 --> 1:33:23.439 I think at the same time there was this is 1:33:23.479 --> 1:33:25.160 not just about what you do, is how you do it? 1:33:26.240 --> 1:33:30.200 Yeah, the opposition you kind of touched on. 1:33:31.680 --> 1:33:34.599 You know, we do have different personality, but they work 1:33:34.680 --> 1:33:40.680 well together where you know, she's super type A personality 1:33:41.240 --> 1:33:45.000 and I come in right, but I can always make 1:33:45.040 --> 1:33:48.200 her laugh no matter how intense. 1:33:47.800 --> 1:33:50.560 And crazy it is. She was like, why are you 1:33:50.600 --> 1:33:51.800 going to make me laugh? Right? 1:33:52.600 --> 1:33:55.720 She ended up laughing, But some of her type A 1:33:55.880 --> 1:33:59.720 personality at times rubbed off on me and then This 1:34:00.240 --> 1:34:03.320 has shown up with our children because we are different, 1:34:03.320 --> 1:34:04.400 we are different approaches. 1:34:04.840 --> 1:34:07.480 They need different pieces of us. 1:34:07.120 --> 1:34:10.519 Absolutely, and we know we say you're going to be 1:34:10.560 --> 1:34:14.200 the best one for this conversation. With time, you know 1:34:14.360 --> 1:34:17.679 you handle that part right. And so we we spend 1:34:17.720 --> 1:34:21.200 a lot of time. We do a lot of breaking 1:34:21.280 --> 1:34:23.960 down like who needs to do what part and let 1:34:24.000 --> 1:34:25.680 the best person do it in the job and not 1:34:25.800 --> 1:34:27.640 like I got to be the ones got to be 1:34:27.680 --> 1:34:28.320 the hard one. 1:34:28.479 --> 1:34:31.920 Let me be this type. What's the best one, best 1:34:32.080 --> 1:34:33.920 person who needs to show up for this role at 1:34:33.920 --> 1:34:34.320 the moment. 1:34:34.680 --> 1:34:36.920 I love that because I pushed askle in that a lot. 1:34:37.040 --> 1:34:42.080 With even my son, my nephew's son. He don't like 1:34:42.880 --> 1:34:45.360 the son because I adopt him. It's my nephew. But 1:34:46.840 --> 1:34:49.519 I always say, don't tell them. You should be like, well, 1:34:49.600 --> 1:34:52.320 I mean, I said you because she's really good at 1:34:52.400 --> 1:34:55.559 certain things that I'm just not, you know, and she's 1:34:55.600 --> 1:35:00.519 not even a biological parent. But I'd be like, say it, 1:35:00.560 --> 1:35:02.760 and I want her to trust the wisdom that God 1:35:02.840 --> 1:35:05.960 has given her to say say it. If you see 1:35:05.960 --> 1:35:08.920 a gap. It's not meant for me to go say it, 1:35:08.920 --> 1:35:11.559 It's meant for you to find your place in his 1:35:11.720 --> 1:35:13.960 life and say it and he receives it. 1:35:14.040 --> 1:35:15.160 He appreciates it. 1:35:15.360 --> 1:35:18.360 He tells a letter thank you, thank you Auntie Ashley, 1:35:19.280 --> 1:35:20.599 you know, for telling me this or whatever. 1:35:20.600 --> 1:35:21.360 I needed to hear that. 1:35:21.680 --> 1:35:24.120 But I want her to trust her god giving wisdom 1:35:24.160 --> 1:35:27.240 to do so. Another thing that's happened, dear future wife. 1:35:27.240 --> 1:35:32.760 He existed five years prior to us getting married, and 1:35:33.280 --> 1:35:37.600 I built this amazing following this, this trusted audience that 1:35:37.880 --> 1:35:40.880 I nicknamed the lit faun, which stands for learning, living 1:35:41.000 --> 1:35:42.920 intentionally and transparently. 1:35:43.280 --> 1:35:45.240 And so this awesome audience. 1:35:45.240 --> 1:35:48.040 But I will always tell them over and over again, 1:35:48.240 --> 1:35:50.320 don't get just used to me, because at the end 1:35:50.320 --> 1:35:53.360 of the day, what I built was great, but it 1:35:53.520 --> 1:35:57.040 pales in comparison to whoever God brings as my wife. 1:35:57.520 --> 1:36:00.559 The greatest honor I ever received is when I read 1:36:00.640 --> 1:36:04.719 comments where people say, no offense, Lataaris, your podcast was good, 1:36:05.240 --> 1:36:12.080 but now it's great. That's the greatest accomplishment because I 1:36:12.120 --> 1:36:14.360 don't I don't have an ego where I say, because 1:36:14.360 --> 1:36:17.640 think about the reverse, your podcast was great before, but 1:36:17.840 --> 1:36:20.080 it's all right now. Since I'd be like, oh Lord, 1:36:20.120 --> 1:36:22.559 what in the world, Like I know what she brings 1:36:22.600 --> 1:36:24.840 to it, and so the beautiful thing about it is 1:36:24.880 --> 1:36:28.599 it should always be an elevation and so as doing 1:36:28.600 --> 1:36:34.000 a job phenomenal. I love when people talk about how 1:36:34.080 --> 1:36:38.000 amazing you are, how much value you add to the conversation. 1:36:38.439 --> 1:36:42.679 After we just did this live yesterday and for worth 1:36:43.160 --> 1:36:45.680 this couple when of my friends shout out to to 1:36:45.840 --> 1:36:51.080 Tisha and they were talking about how we need we need. 1:36:50.800 --> 1:36:51.960 Her feminine energy. 1:36:52.000 --> 1:36:54.320 We want to hear more from her. She has so 1:36:54.439 --> 1:36:58.280 much to offer, and so that's what I love hearing. 1:36:58.280 --> 1:36:59.479 And as she's like, I don't want to be one 1:36:59.520 --> 1:37:01.320 of the overt talk I want to do this, I said, 1:37:01.280 --> 1:37:02.320 you're never gonna overtalk. 1:37:02.360 --> 1:37:03.920 You're never going to say too much. 1:37:04.320 --> 1:37:06.320 You know what I'm saying. And I said, you have 1:37:06.439 --> 1:37:10.480 so much wisdom and value to add to the conversation. 1:37:10.800 --> 1:37:13.599 Just trust the God in you to just be you. 1:37:13.600 --> 1:37:16.840 You are enough, you are worthy, you are qualified, and 1:37:16.960 --> 1:37:18.719 you're absolutely amazing. I love you. 1:37:18.800 --> 1:37:19.479 Yeah, she is. 1:37:19.960 --> 1:37:23.519 I love it, absolutely amazing. Don't tell everybody real quick 1:37:23.560 --> 1:37:26.920 as we conclude, how y'all met? Yeah? 1:37:27.200 --> 1:37:30.880 Oh so, oh my goodness. So Ashley, Well, first of all, 1:37:31.000 --> 1:37:36.800 my sorrow, baby sorrow actually is one of our extraordinary 1:37:38.120 --> 1:37:42.160 Executive vi P. I mean, I mean I would just say, 1:37:42.240 --> 1:37:45.679 like event planning, everything from the Black Entertainment Sports Lawyers 1:37:45.680 --> 1:37:49.080 Association conferences that I used to chair. I was on 1:37:49.080 --> 1:37:51.880 the board for out of and chaired the board as well. 1:37:52.000 --> 1:37:55.400 And the acronym for Beesla exactly Beesla that is right 1:37:55.840 --> 1:37:59.080 out to be shout out to all those Diesel lawyers 1:37:59.080 --> 1:38:02.400 and babies and so Ashley is. I mean, she just 1:38:02.479 --> 1:38:04.479 has handled so we gave her so much to do 1:38:05.240 --> 1:38:07.120 over the years and we've watched her. She was a 1:38:07.120 --> 1:38:15.560 baby's looker. It's been like yeah, it's been over a 1:38:15.600 --> 1:38:19.200 decade easily, but she has been she is from day one. 1:38:19.439 --> 1:38:22.200 She is a I mean like a no nonsense, like 1:38:22.400 --> 1:38:24.960 a fiery I mean Sarah. She she is on She 1:38:25.040 --> 1:38:27.000 is on fire with her stuff. She she was about 1:38:27.000 --> 1:38:30.120 the business from day one. Handles everything so well, so 1:38:30.200 --> 1:38:35.160 excellently beyond professional, but just I mean takes things like 1:38:35.640 --> 1:38:36.960 did you think about this? What do you think about that? 1:38:36.960 --> 1:38:37.640 What about this thing? 1:38:37.680 --> 1:38:37.880 You know? 1:38:38.160 --> 1:38:40.479 So talk about type A. She's very on top two, 1:38:40.640 --> 1:38:43.719 which I love, so her thinking is excellent, but also 1:38:43.880 --> 1:38:47.280 she's just about the business and she always elevates what 1:38:47.320 --> 1:38:50.599 we do and what we bring, and we give the 1:38:50.640 --> 1:38:54.840 biggest talent to Ashley to basically to take care of, 1:38:55.120 --> 1:38:58.559 to curate ideas with, and she just has been a 1:38:58.600 --> 1:39:01.280 fantastic partner in that work. So that's how we actually 1:39:01.280 --> 1:39:03.080 first met. And then you know, we're sore rus. So 1:39:03.120 --> 1:39:04.680 we have all these things that we do, you know, 1:39:04.720 --> 1:39:06.840 at the conference and other places, and it's just been 1:39:06.880 --> 1:39:09.559 great to watch her grow with her business. I can't 1:39:09.560 --> 1:39:11.760 believe she's like this grown woman now. 1:39:13.760 --> 1:39:14.240 I told him. 1:39:14.280 --> 1:39:19.760 I was like, they probably think of a child exactly right. 1:39:19.800 --> 1:39:21.840 But it's so beautiful to see that. You know that 1:39:21.920 --> 1:39:25.400 you all have built such a beautiful union and just 1:39:25.439 --> 1:39:29.559 this amazing enterprise together. I think it's just a beautiful thing. 1:39:29.720 --> 1:39:32.880 And you know, it's just everything that she deserves you too. 1:39:34.640 --> 1:39:39.360 Yeah, it was funny because about saying I snuck to 1:39:39.439 --> 1:39:42.200 Beesla this year, but I just she took me to 1:39:42.840 --> 1:39:46.519 Visla last year and we were in line getting some 1:39:46.520 --> 1:39:49.800 food and I shared with you because she has spoke 1:39:49.880 --> 1:39:51.960 so highly of you, and I said, I said, you know, 1:39:53.200 --> 1:39:55.040 now people don't know this, but we're getting married. 1:39:55.080 --> 1:39:55.960 And you said, does she know? 1:39:58.000 --> 1:39:58.360 I did? 1:39:59.040 --> 1:40:01.880 I was like, didn't know? I didn't know if he 1:40:01.920 --> 1:40:04.680 was a stalker. He was just like, I like her. 1:40:04.800 --> 1:40:07.200 She's so cute. I like miss Ashley. I was like, wait, 1:40:07.240 --> 1:40:10.040 does she know? Yeah, I want to make sure I'll 1:40:10.080 --> 1:40:11.280 give the okay. 1:40:11.320 --> 1:40:13.760 First she told me that story. I cracked up. I 1:40:13.880 --> 1:40:25.240 was like, oh my godfring. 1:40:20.040 --> 1:40:23.640 On my finger, so cute, and she was like I 1:40:23.680 --> 1:40:26.719 would know. I was like what, And then I realized. 1:40:26.720 --> 1:40:30.800 I was like, oh my gosh, your future. That's the 1:40:30.880 --> 1:40:34.320 reason nobody downs. Okay, but it was so beautiful, Oh 1:40:34.360 --> 1:40:38.439 my gosh, how I mean listen, I mean to be honest, 1:40:38.600 --> 1:40:40.479 she was the best person for that whole thing, because 1:40:40.520 --> 1:40:42.760 I was like, because you know, she's she's very like, 1:40:42.800 --> 1:40:47.439 she's she holds she can hold a secret, holdret So 1:40:47.479 --> 1:40:47.800 you can. 1:40:47.760 --> 1:40:50.760 Speak on to how a lot of times early on 1:40:50.840 --> 1:40:54.000 people are like, uh, he kept her secret, you know 1:40:54.040 --> 1:40:56.880 all that type of stuff. I said, yeah, she preferred that. Yeah, 1:40:58.240 --> 1:41:02.440 And so you know, I know in your experience people. 1:41:04.000 --> 1:41:06.040 She's about the business. Behind the scenes. She's just like, 1:41:06.080 --> 1:41:09.280 y'all go ahead. But but that's why, that's that's what happens. 1:41:09.280 --> 1:41:13.559 So oftentimes, you know, oftentimes God gives those kinds of 1:41:13.600 --> 1:41:15.960 blessings and these kinds of opportunities to people who can 1:41:16.000 --> 1:41:18.120 handle it in a certain way, because you know, a 1:41:18.120 --> 1:41:19.960 lot of times folks can't handle it and you have 1:41:20.040 --> 1:41:22.720 to be really discerning in that way. So yeah, that 1:41:22.880 --> 1:41:29.400 this is this makes sense. This all makes sense. I 1:41:29.439 --> 1:41:35.559 mean it's funny. You know, like, girl, you're not. 1:41:37.840 --> 1:41:38.519 He's like, she knows. 1:41:38.680 --> 1:41:42.599 I was like, okay to you. 1:41:43.360 --> 1:41:46.519 Oh man, we've been talking and they need to do 1:41:46.760 --> 1:41:49.360 a relationship. They need to do dear future wife yet, Beesla, 1:41:49.439 --> 1:41:52.960 that will be such a really powerful moment to have 1:41:53.080 --> 1:41:55.040 these and it could get heated. 1:41:57.520 --> 1:42:03.040 Have some breakouts, seers and. 1:42:01.040 --> 1:42:03.160 Some stuff going over there. 1:42:03.200 --> 1:42:08.240 How much it's great, I think fantastic it's coming. 1:42:09.800 --> 1:42:13.080 That would be hot to have their future wife happen. 1:42:13.280 --> 1:42:16.360 It would be so so fun. But listen, here's the 1:42:16.400 --> 1:42:19.800 part of the episode where y'all write a key to love. 1:42:19.880 --> 1:42:22.360 Pick up that box there, if you will please, and 1:42:22.600 --> 1:42:25.320 inside there's a key and there's a marker. Y'all can 1:42:25.400 --> 1:42:26.960 use the box that you can use your book to 1:42:26.960 --> 1:42:30.440 write on on yours, but grab a marker. 1:42:30.439 --> 1:42:31.680 And shiny y. 1:42:33.640 --> 1:42:45.200 You know what, everything that shiny ain't always better is 1:42:45.200 --> 1:42:47.080 a key, Okay, so. 1:42:47.000 --> 1:42:49.839 We can touch so y'all write down a word, a sentence, 1:42:49.880 --> 1:42:52.160 a phrase, whatever you want to leave with the audience 1:42:52.200 --> 1:42:54.599 will have you read it after you write it, and 1:42:54.640 --> 1:42:57.960 then you'll go hang it up on that available wrong 1:42:58.240 --> 1:42:59.200 on that wall there. 1:42:59.600 --> 1:43:02.160 So don't get to sign your name. 1:43:02.080 --> 1:43:04.160 Word or free, but you don't say it out that. 1:43:07.800 --> 1:43:11.040 He's ID eight and and build a word or phrase 1:43:11.520 --> 1:43:13.040 that you would like to leave as a key to love. 1:43:13.080 --> 1:43:15.360 What do you think is a key to love that 1:43:15.439 --> 1:43:17.479 you want to leave so astley? What'd you think you 1:43:17.920 --> 1:43:18.800 had your people on here? 1:43:19.120 --> 1:43:19.719 I did? 1:43:20.080 --> 1:43:22.839 I mean, I just love the application process. 1:43:23.040 --> 1:43:26.400 I love getting really clear early on about what it 1:43:26.479 --> 1:43:30.400 is that you know you need because I think it 1:43:30.680 --> 1:43:32.800 helps you identify who you are. 1:43:33.760 --> 1:43:35.759 And I thought it was so smart that Craig had 1:43:35.840 --> 1:43:36.439 her do it. 1:43:36.520 --> 1:43:38.599 In return, Craig keep the same as. 1:43:38.680 --> 1:43:43.160 Yes, but not as a like, well it's an ego thing, 1:43:43.240 --> 1:43:44.639 I have to do it, you have to do it. 1:43:44.680 --> 1:43:47.679 But because after you know, he said the word yeah, 1:43:47.760 --> 1:43:50.640 then he was like, wait, I actually this is really helpful. 1:43:50.960 --> 1:43:54.720 And so I think when we approach, you know, our 1:43:54.960 --> 1:43:58.760 interaction with each other with such intentionality, it can be 1:43:58.840 --> 1:44:01.719 really really helpful to set us up for success and clearly. 1:44:01.880 --> 1:44:04.360 Twenty nine years later it was valuable. 1:44:04.479 --> 1:44:06.920 Yep. Well you'll never have to give an application to 1:44:06.960 --> 1:44:07.920 nobody because I ain't going. 1:44:07.800 --> 1:44:11.840 Nowhere that you'll never be able to use that. We 1:44:11.920 --> 1:44:13.160 can we can do evaluations. 1:44:13.160 --> 1:44:15.040 That's what student Love talks about, is we can do 1:44:15.160 --> 1:44:19.160 reviews with each other and talk about areas of improvement 1:44:20.200 --> 1:44:24.280 and have that. So we'll have on the job training, 1:44:24.479 --> 1:44:25.439 on the job training. 1:44:25.680 --> 1:44:28.320 Yeah, maybe even the report car report card. 1:44:28.439 --> 1:44:29.519 Yeah, we do a report card. 1:44:29.640 --> 1:44:32.760 Yeah. 1:44:30.439 --> 1:44:35.559 I like her report cards. When she was younger, she. 1:44:39.200 --> 1:44:39.679 The same. 1:44:41.320 --> 1:44:44.200 We got, we got the same people. 1:44:44.320 --> 1:44:48.960 She got this whole biography, this is about them, about you, 1:44:51.680 --> 1:44:55.200 about everything. I was like you, it's beautiful though. So 1:44:55.200 --> 1:44:57.440 that's one thing that I really enjoyed. She did a biography, 1:44:57.600 --> 1:44:59.280 was it for your seventh grade project? 1:44:59.280 --> 1:44:59.800 Eighth grade? 1:45:00.040 --> 1:45:01.200 A biography of eighth grade? 1:45:01.520 --> 1:45:04.760 And it's just, I mean, a thick book and had 1:45:04.800 --> 1:45:08.719 pictures and everything. And in the earlier part of us dating, 1:45:09.080 --> 1:45:11.240 she pulled that book out and I sat there and 1:45:11.280 --> 1:45:13.559 I was reading through all that, and it taught me 1:45:14.240 --> 1:45:17.360 little girl eighth grade Ashley, and I. 1:45:17.280 --> 1:45:18.800 Was just like, did you write this? 1:45:18.920 --> 1:45:22.360 I was intelligence. It's like I was like you couldn't 1:45:22.360 --> 1:45:26.240 have back then. I was like, there's no way. An 1:45:26.240 --> 1:45:29.160 eighth grader wrote this, like there's no way, and she 1:45:29.280 --> 1:45:31.280 was like yeah. And then I got a chance to 1:45:31.320 --> 1:45:33.400 go visit the school that she went to, and it's 1:45:33.439 --> 1:45:36.560 like one of the most prestigious schools in southern California. 1:45:36.800 --> 1:45:42.439 And I was like, okay, I went to business school. 1:45:42.439 --> 1:45:45.040 I looked at those those other ethnicities walking around. 1:45:45.520 --> 1:45:46.639 He was like, everybody was there. 1:45:47.960 --> 1:45:50.320 I said, okay, it's it's a different level here different. 1:45:50.360 --> 1:45:52.519 It's different to what y'all write on y'all to. 1:45:52.520 --> 1:45:57.040 Love, I wrote, reverence and respect is the key to love. 1:45:57.240 --> 1:45:58.160 Why is that important? 1:45:58.720 --> 1:46:02.000 Reverence? We don't hear that word spoken to in a relationship. 1:46:02.080 --> 1:46:02.679 Why do you say. 1:46:02.960 --> 1:46:05.599 Well, I say reverence because I'm also thinking about reverence 1:46:05.600 --> 1:46:08.880 with our creator first and foremost. Okay, right where, I 1:46:08.920 --> 1:46:11.880 think that's where it begins. And I think that when 1:46:11.880 --> 1:46:15.280 we connect with our creator in a way that he 1:46:15.320 --> 1:46:18.280 would have us connect with him, he also gives us 1:46:18.280 --> 1:46:20.519 the tools and the way in which we can understand 1:46:20.520 --> 1:46:23.040 how it is important to connect with humanity. And so 1:46:23.479 --> 1:46:26.519 in a relationship, in any relationship, reverence is important. But 1:46:26.560 --> 1:46:29.240 I think particularly in a marriage actually to be able 1:46:29.280 --> 1:46:32.639 to reverence one another the souls. We have a survey, 1:46:32.680 --> 1:46:35.120 we talk about reverencing the souls that bore us, but 1:46:35.200 --> 1:46:38.639 reverencing each other also in that space. And then also respect, 1:46:38.720 --> 1:46:41.839 I think is so important because again, you can like somebody, 1:46:41.920 --> 1:46:43.800 you can love somebody, but if you don't respect them, 1:46:44.120 --> 1:46:48.240 it's really hard to really connect on the level of trust. 1:46:48.640 --> 1:46:50.240 And you don't have love without trust. 1:46:50.680 --> 1:46:54.000 Really. Yeah, create, Oh you got to get your microphone, 1:46:55.240 --> 1:46:55.559 all right. 1:46:55.640 --> 1:46:59.720 Yeah, I wrote a few things. The first thing I 1:46:59.720 --> 1:47:01.760 wrote is, you. 1:47:01.720 --> 1:47:02.840 Know, we have to love love. 1:47:04.800 --> 1:47:08.120 I like that, but I just know I love and 1:47:08.200 --> 1:47:11.200 I just love black love. So I'm sitting here watching 1:47:11.240 --> 1:47:15.000 YouTube and thinking about some of our friends and others 1:47:15.040 --> 1:47:18.759 that we have in our circle and watching the couples 1:47:18.880 --> 1:47:19.920 go through their growth. 1:47:20.760 --> 1:47:22.080 It's because they love love. 1:47:22.240 --> 1:47:25.040 Yeah, yeah, and they love being in love with each other. 1:47:25.479 --> 1:47:28.400 And I have here openness. Can I come and be 1:47:28.479 --> 1:47:32.439 transparent and open with my full self? Can I be 1:47:32.520 --> 1:47:36.719 honest with you as I be honest with myself and 1:47:37.880 --> 1:47:40.479 hold on to the fun. It's going to be a 1:47:40.520 --> 1:47:44.519 lot of you know, long nights, but hold on to 1:47:44.600 --> 1:47:46.840 that fun. Find the fun, and this as well. 1:47:47.600 --> 1:47:49.640 Long nights greg be long nights. 1:47:50.520 --> 1:48:01.000 Long days, long long nights can't be a bad thing. 1:48:04.680 --> 1:48:06.519 But hold on the fun. 1:48:06.640 --> 1:48:10.800 We get so caught up on these checklists, accomplishments. 1:48:10.000 --> 1:48:12.599 And deadlines that sometimes don't really matter. 1:48:12.680 --> 1:48:15.400 Sometimes just find a moment to have a good laugh 1:48:15.640 --> 1:48:19.280 yeah there with each other and figure out how we 1:48:19.479 --> 1:48:21.599 just have a little fun in this crazy world. 1:48:22.479 --> 1:48:25.920 Thank y'all so much for blessing us again. Make sure 1:48:26.040 --> 1:48:30.719 y'all get this book, Power Reimagine. Get the book Power 1:48:30.920 --> 1:48:35.559 to I mean Power Reimagine available everywhere. Matter of fact. 1:48:35.560 --> 1:48:38.080 Shout out your social media Craig, I know you don't know. 1:48:38.400 --> 1:48:42.240 Yeah, I'm Kadida Drinker on Instagram. Could you just reef 1:48:42.360 --> 1:48:45.920 drink it on Facebook? And actually this is Craig Drinker. 1:48:47.040 --> 1:48:49.320 I give him my last name. Sometimes drinking, but it's 1:48:49.320 --> 1:48:51.320 just joking on my teeth and I'm not a massive 1:48:51.320 --> 1:48:53.839 with him. But this is Craig Drinker and he's actually 1:48:53.840 --> 1:48:56.040 on Facebook. Believe it or not. He doesn't really post, 1:48:56.040 --> 1:48:56.960 but he's the actual. 1:48:57.000 --> 1:49:00.080 Ther So go go go follow him and make and 1:49:00.120 --> 1:49:03.519 get scared. Yow was coming. 1:49:03.280 --> 1:49:05.800 From follow us. 1:49:05.960 --> 1:49:08.160 You know, we love to talk about power and more importantly, 1:49:08.200 --> 1:49:09.880 how we can share our power with the world. 1:49:10.479 --> 1:49:13.479 Well listen, May the love y'all share today, outlive the 1:49:13.520 --> 1:49:14.280 season you're in. 1:49:14.800 --> 1:49:20.640 May it carry you through the days when words are few. 1:49:20.640 --> 1:49:23.080 And faith has to do the talking. Y'all. 1:49:23.120 --> 1:49:24.519 Give it up for the drinkers, y'all. 1:49:24.560 --> 1:49:27.920 All, thank thank you so much, thank you for having him. 1:49:28.080 --> 1:49:29.519 I love y'all, Love you. 1:49:30.479 --> 1:49:35.599 Ladarian thrust it suddenly into child protective Services in twenty fifteen. 1:49:36.240 --> 1:49:40.879 My nephew, black a boy. The likelihood have been adopted 1:49:40.880 --> 1:49:46.200 outside of kinship, slim to none, Harmione, sixteen years old, 1:49:46.439 --> 1:49:50.040 black a boy with five years in the foster care 1:49:50.120 --> 1:49:53.559 system before I even knew his name. The likelihood have 1:49:53.600 --> 1:49:57.920 ever been adopted? Yep, you guessed it. Slim to none. 1:49:59.360 --> 1:50:02.040 While Darian and our money were trying to survive and 1:50:02.080 --> 1:50:05.799 barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded false care system, 1:50:05.840 --> 1:50:09.120 I was living my own life, doing well professionally, having 1:50:09.160 --> 1:50:11.200 been a single father with a daughter who at that 1:50:11.280 --> 1:50:13.880 point was doing well in college. It was my time 1:50:13.920 --> 1:50:20.640 to live my life right wrong. I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated. 1:50:21.560 --> 1:50:24.920 There are just too many of our black children stuck 1:50:25.200 --> 1:50:28.720 in ambiguity and in the limbo of the Falseter Care System. 1:50:29.200 --> 1:50:33.160 In twenty seventeen, I legally adopted my nephew Ladaria. Fast 1:50:33.200 --> 1:50:35.599 forward to twenty nineteen. I had no ties to this 1:50:35.640 --> 1:50:38.120 other young king, but I felt God instructed me to 1:50:38.200 --> 1:50:41.679 adopt them also in al Babe. Starting over with parenting 1:50:41.760 --> 1:50:44.599 should have been enough. Right, working with various foster care 1:50:44.640 --> 1:50:47.880 and adoption agencies to help bring awareness to the countless 1:50:48.000 --> 1:50:50.840 young Black Kings and the Falster Care system should have 1:50:50.920 --> 1:50:54.800 decreased My agitation. Right joined the board of directors of 1:50:54.800 --> 1:50:57.919 Advantage of Adoption in the organization that helps find permanent 1:50:58.000 --> 1:51:01.120 adoptive homes for children and false should have led to 1:51:01.160 --> 1:51:05.880 some type of resolve. Right, No, not at all. None 1:51:05.880 --> 1:51:09.240 of it felt like I had done enough. I now 1:51:09.360 --> 1:51:13.519 realized that every one of those experiences was land the 1:51:13.520 --> 1:51:19.320 fundamental foundation for my life's mission. Kingdom Royal. Kingdom Royal 1:51:19.400 --> 1:51:21.640 would be a luxury, state of the art home for 1:51:21.760 --> 1:51:24.960 foster boys. Our first location will be in the Dallas 1:51:24.960 --> 1:51:28.640 Fortwork Metroplex. We will utilize the whole person approach that 1:51:28.720 --> 1:51:33.080 instills identity, empowers them to advocate for themselves, and enlightens 1:51:33.120 --> 1:51:37.160 them regarding new perspectives and limitless options that they thought 1:51:37.439 --> 1:51:41.479 were impossible. Though, the young Kings will attend the local 1:51:41.560 --> 1:51:45.120 public schools that are in proximity to Kingdom Royal. Our 1:51:45.200 --> 1:51:48.800 at home curriculum will broaden their worldview through participating in 1:51:48.840 --> 1:51:53.000 the arts, attending various cultural events, learning about and engaging 1:51:53.040 --> 1:51:58.080 in multifaceted discussions about current events and even relevant historical contexts. 1:51:58.360 --> 1:52:02.200 Introducing them to gardening, landscaping, and even caring for our 1:52:02.320 --> 1:52:06.320 animals on our form and on site stables. We just 1:52:06.400 --> 1:52:09.800 launched our startup capital campaign with the goal of raising 1:52:09.840 --> 1:52:11.920 two point eight million dollars. Now why two point eight 1:52:11.920 --> 1:52:12.920 million dollars? 1:52:13.360 --> 1:52:13.519 Well. 1:52:13.560 --> 1:52:15.920 In twenty seventeen, I created a web series in which 1:52:15.960 --> 1:52:19.879 I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless community. 1:52:20.120 --> 1:52:22.400 One of the most notable successes was that one of 1:52:22.400 --> 1:52:27.679 the videos went viral, garnering twenty eight million views. However, 1:52:28.000 --> 1:52:30.240 one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't raise 1:52:30.240 --> 1:52:33.640 a single dollar to help in implementing a more sustainable 1:52:33.640 --> 1:52:37.880 plan for the homeless community. So, throughout the years, with 1:52:38.000 --> 1:52:41.519 much remorse, I reflect and I'm not maximizing that moment. 1:52:41.600 --> 1:52:44.559 I knew if at that time just ten percent of 1:52:44.560 --> 1:52:47.439 the viewers donated one dollar, we would have raised at 1:52:47.520 --> 1:52:51.000 least two point eight million dollars that could have really 1:52:51.120 --> 1:52:54.120 established long term support for the homeless community, or at 1:52:54.160 --> 1:52:58.200 least started a long term initiative to do so. This 1:52:58.840 --> 1:53:02.679 is my due over, this is our new beginning. Together, 1:53:02.960 --> 1:53:06.280 we can attack this at the root by specifically helping 1:53:06.400 --> 1:53:11.280 our homeless Black boys who are already disproportionately represented in 1:53:11.320 --> 1:53:15.120 the American fossil care system. I'm the Terisarwidfield. I've been 1:53:15.320 --> 1:53:18.439 nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work with the 1:53:18.520 --> 1:53:23.000 homeless as well as my personal adoption journey. Despite those accolades, 1:53:23.600 --> 1:53:27.880 the greatest award for me is truly providing the infrastructure 1:53:28.120 --> 1:53:32.639 for a transformed life. Visit Kingdomroyal dot com for more 1:53:32.720 --> 1:53:43.960 details Crown of King and make a donation today. I 1:53:44.000 --> 1:53:47.000 hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dear Future WIFEI podcast. 1:53:47.120 --> 1:53:52.639 Remember be lit, live intentionally and transparently, and don't stop loving. 1:53:53.080 --> 1:53:55.360 Make sure to subscribe to our Dear Future Wife and 1:53:55.439 --> 1:53:59.280 YouTube channel. We're available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, 1:53:59.320 --> 1:54:02.519 and Stitcher. Welcome to your support. Simply share our podcast 1:54:02.640 --> 1:54:03.639 with your friends and family.