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Speaker 1: Or I used to google can I addicted to alcohol?

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Speaker 1: If you have to google it, you probably had.

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Speaker 2: I probably I knew I was crazy before we got married.

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Speaker 2: Back then, it was like premarital prophetic counseling. I love

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Speaker 2: the people still today, but they should have had prophesied

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Speaker 2: how hard marriage is going to be. They should have

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Speaker 2: prophesied that our marriage is going to deal with alcoholism

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Speaker 2: and pornography.

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Speaker 1: I'm ten years sober from alcohol this November.

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Speaker 3: And you still feel like it's a struggle.

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Speaker 4: One hundred percent.

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Speaker 3: Explain.

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Speaker 1: I will never not desire to drink, and if I

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Speaker 1: ever think that I am okay, I run the risk

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Speaker 1: of relapsing more. God's been reframing my shame over the

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Speaker 1: past ten years. But on day thirty eight in rehab,

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Speaker 1: as a pastor's wife and a mom, I had to

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Speaker 1: say my name is Irene and I'm an alcoholic. If

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Speaker 1: I didn't say it that way, the shackles were not

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Speaker 1: going to fall off and meet Jesus, Jimmy does me.

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Speaker 4: I'm joking.

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Speaker 2: I'm not eloheen, but I am hem. I was intoxicated

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Speaker 2: with something different. They were both equally destroying our marriage.

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Speaker 2: I could preach to thousands and couldn't talk to the

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Speaker 2: one I lay next to every night. I could build

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Speaker 2: a church with an incredible kids ministry, but had no

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Speaker 2: relationship with my own kids.

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Speaker 3: When was your first relationship with pornographers?

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Speaker 4: Nine years old?

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Speaker 2: And I now understand that your introduction will become your

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Speaker 2: appetite until you're healed, I told her, and she could

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Speaker 2: not believe I was that honest.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you will always be as sick as your secrets.

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Speaker 1: I spent eighty thousand dollars on rehab here, y'all, you

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Speaker 1: get it for free.

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Speaker 4: We just show you.

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Speaker 2: Yes, he can heal in an instant, but he's also

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Speaker 2: a fan of the process.

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Speaker 1: We can experience freedom if we are willing.

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Speaker 4: To do the work.

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Speaker 2: I don't think that there's no greater teacher than pain,

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Speaker 2: but maybe there is someone Else's woo.

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Speaker 3: Well up to Dear Future Wife podcasts.

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Speaker 5: My homies Jimmy and Irene Rollins are in the building.

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Speaker 5: The Dear Future Wifeie podcast has global impact.

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Speaker 3: From Texas.

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Speaker 5: I have been on this journey of healing and self

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Speaker 5: discovery and this podcast has been a vital part of

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Speaker 5: my process.

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Speaker 4: God's establishing through you a legacy, a display of freedom

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Speaker 4: founding authentic spirituality, California.

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Speaker 2: I learned so much as a single man through your podcast,

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Speaker 2: and continue to learn so much as.

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Speaker 3: Now a married man Nigeria.

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Speaker 4: This is just therapy for me.

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Speaker 1: You know, I've been healed, I've been strengthen in my

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Speaker 1: convictions on the stut to do single hoopta Amsterdam way

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Speaker 1: that you've shown us how it is possible for a

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Speaker 1: man to be as intentional as you are New Jersey.

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Speaker 4: I appreciate your vulnerability.

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Speaker 5: I appreciate just being able to see that there is

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Speaker 5: life after divorce to New York.

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Speaker 1: I am a single woman, so these episodes really give

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Speaker 1: me hope and courage that God does have a husband

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Speaker 1: for me.

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Speaker 3: Discover, uncover and recover love.

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Speaker 5: I'm Laterisaar Whitfield and this is season ten of the

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Speaker 5: Dear Future WiFi podcasts. Welcome to Dear Future Wifey podcast.

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Speaker 5: I'm your host, Littera sar Wickfield. Listen, are you still

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Speaker 5: shacking up with us? If you're still shacking up with us,

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Speaker 5: can we get a commitment? Come on, hit that subscription

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Speaker 5: button and subscribe. Make sure you're telling your notification bells.

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Speaker 5: You'll be notified about upcoming episodes. While you're at it,

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Speaker 5: click the link in the description line, sign up for

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Speaker 5: our meiling list.

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Speaker 4: And join the Patreon. I'm going to be sharing the journey.

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Speaker 5: As I continue doing all the wedding planning. Let me

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Speaker 5: tell you it's been a lot going on planning for

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Speaker 5: this wedding that will take place on November twenty second.

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Speaker 3: As I told y'all before.

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Speaker 5: It'd be live stream for all of y'all who have

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Speaker 5: been walking alongside me through this journey. It's gonna be powerful,

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Speaker 5: So I'll give y'all more details as that comes down

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Speaker 5: the pipe.

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Speaker 3: Well, let me tell you something. It's couples that I

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Speaker 3: always look forward.

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Speaker 5: To interviewing, and this couple have been referred to me

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Speaker 5: from various friends, and I said, man, I really want

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Speaker 5: to get them to actually live in the DFW Naturalplex.

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Speaker 5: And so it was so perfect to get this very transparent,

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Speaker 5: very vulnerable couple on the Dear Future Wifie podcast. Y'all

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Speaker 5: known the Dear Future Wifie podcast. We live under the moniker.

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Speaker 5: We keep it lit, live, intentionally and transparently, and the

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Speaker 5: Rawlins does exactly that. So, without further ado, welp to

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Speaker 5: the Dear Future Wifie podcasts. My homies Jimmy and I

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Speaker 5: Rowlins are in the building.

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Speaker 3: Here we are on the.

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Speaker 5: Count holds its amazing now Jimmy, yeah, Now, there was

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Speaker 5: a little discrepancy before we pushed record about when the

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Speaker 5: last time was the last time? And what what what

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Speaker 5: what what? What?

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Speaker 4: What was you talking about?

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Speaker 1: Well, first of all, this was like an argument for

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Speaker 1: our marriage.

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Speaker 4: Well we started tracking it. What was it?

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Speaker 3: What was the argument?

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Speaker 2: Because I have an appetite, you know, and sometimes when

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Speaker 2: you get married, the sexual appetite is not the same,

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Speaker 2: uh huh. And so we had I'll be like, hey,

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Speaker 2: you know I need frequency, and you know, da da da.

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Speaker 2: So we came up with this thing, like, you know,

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Speaker 2: three times a week when we first got married, and

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Speaker 2: I thought that we would be going longer, like I'm like, hey,

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Speaker 2: we haven't, and she'd be like, yes, we did.

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Speaker 4: So she started.

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Speaker 2: I didn't know that she got a sex calendar and

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Speaker 2: this was We've been married twenty six years and that

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Speaker 2: thing has been filled out. You know, in some seasons

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Speaker 2: the calendar is it's a good week, you know what

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Speaker 2: I'm saying, it's a good work week.

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Speaker 5: So so if it's three then it's good no, three

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Speaker 5: is the minimum.

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Speaker 4: That's the minimum. That was the minimum, Okay, you know

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Speaker 4: what I'm saying. And then and.

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Speaker 2: Then she would be like, no, no, no, we we

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Speaker 2: uh you know we had you know, we came together

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Speaker 2: and you know it was intimate.

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Speaker 4: You know, I said no, no, no.

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Speaker 2: We were arguing about it, and then it got to

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Speaker 2: the point where she'd be like, no, this was the date.

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Speaker 4: And I'd be like, well, that didn't count.

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Speaker 3: Why don't they count?

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Speaker 2: Because you know it was too too quick, you know,

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Speaker 2: And I just don't think quickies should always count as

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Speaker 2: because you know, I need her to experience all of me,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: But y'all married, y'all need to do that every time, right.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's like I need to make sure you involved,

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Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. Sometimes it feels like, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's a duty coffee and I need to be held.

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Speaker 1: I need to be help coffee and the donut counts

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Speaker 1: that counts as one on the calend.

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Speaker 2: I need to be held, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: I want to be a little spoon at times. Jimmy,

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Speaker 2: how tll are you?

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Speaker 4: I'm six four?

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Speaker 3: And how your wife? Sure you want to be you

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Speaker 3: want to be a little spooke.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes sometimes I want to be spoon. You can't

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Speaker 2: see it when she's behind me. Oh my god, that's

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Speaker 2: what all this tale. But yeah, this is this is

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Speaker 2: our marriage right here.

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Speaker 3: And so start. When y'all walked the studio, it was

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Speaker 3: a debate. She said that it's been what you say?

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Speaker 1: I said a week? He said a week and a half.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, no, m hm, and you said don't count.

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Speaker 2: Because it was a quick a general yeah, I could

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Speaker 2: tell she wasn't really wanting to be involved and it

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Speaker 2: was all about especially when she says stuff like this

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Speaker 2: one's all about you. You know, it's really I can't

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Speaker 2: stand you, but I know you need this and this

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Speaker 2: is for you. This is for you, which is fine.

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Speaker 2: I've just we love to joke about it. We don't

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Speaker 2: really want to good about it.

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Speaker 1: But since it's been a week and that's like, so

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Speaker 1: we both know we're on tonight.

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Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, tonight tonight it's going down.

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Speaker 3: So do you feel like it lacks passion if it's scheduled?

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Speaker 4: No, I don't feel like it.

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Speaker 1: We kind of have this rhythm in our heads already

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Speaker 1: that it's.

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Speaker 4: Going to that we don't let have a conversation, but we.

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Speaker 1: Don't let a week go by without connecting that way,

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Speaker 1: and that if I'm going out of town or he's

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Speaker 1: going out of.

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Speaker 2: Town, don't leave that lead a house hungry. I don't

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Speaker 2: I don't you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 5: And that's just understood from understand. It wasn't something I

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Speaker 5: had to learn in marriage.

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Speaker 1: Oh we did have to learn it and talk about

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Speaker 1: it and figure out why are we?

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Speaker 4: So we were argumentative?

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Speaker 1: You were when you like we would go he would

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Speaker 1: be sulking when he would go out of town, like sulking.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, what is the sulking for?

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Speaker 1: And you know, finally I pull it out of him,

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Speaker 1: like you weren't It wasn't it a priority? You know,

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Speaker 1: I just don't feel like I'm a priority. And you

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Speaker 1: know you didn't, you know, even make an effort. I'm like, how.

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Speaker 4: About you what you want and what you need?

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Speaker 1: And maybe I can accommodate, But if I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I can't read your mind. And so then once we

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Speaker 1: like kind of figured that whole thing out, we came

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Speaker 1: to an agreement. Agreement because here's the thing, it's you

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Speaker 1: can't expect you can't have an expectation. It's not valid

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Speaker 1: unless it's agreed upon by both parties. So it has

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Speaker 1: to be spoken. You have to speak it out loud,

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Speaker 1: and then you got a way. Is it realistic? Like

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Speaker 1: is the person even capable? Like can I give you

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Speaker 1: week in sex three times?

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Speaker 4: Whatever? If I'm sick? Whatever?

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Speaker 1: You know, is it even something they're capable of? And

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Speaker 1: then you know, have you evaluated whether.

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Speaker 4: Or not is it coming from a healthy place? Is

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Speaker 4: it coming from a healthy place?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Do y'all have mayor's therapists?

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Speaker 4: We do?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: When did yall implement that?

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Speaker 2: I knew I was crazy before we got married, before

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Speaker 2: you got married, you're crazy. So we had premarital you know,

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Speaker 2: back then it was like premarital prophetic counseling. I don't

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Speaker 2: don't know what that means. I don't know, it's an

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Speaker 2: extra charge. I don't know why it was called that.

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Speaker 3: It wasn't called that for real, was it? It was prophetic?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the prophetic premarital prophetic counseling. And I love the

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Speaker 2: people still today, but you know, they should have had

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Speaker 2: prophesied how hard marriage was going to be? Right, They

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Speaker 2: should have prophesied that our marriage was going to deal

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Speaker 2: with alcoholism and pornography and all of the things. But

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Speaker 2: there was really a lot of premarital counseling. Is like

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Speaker 2: bills and sexual appetite and believe the same thing. No,

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Speaker 2: I need to know know how to argue healthy that part,

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Speaker 2: how to have a good fight because we're going to fight, yes,

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Speaker 2: But it's like, well, here's what you need to do

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Speaker 2: to communication and teaching us about you know, a definition

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Speaker 2: of submission that's not biblical.

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Speaker 3: Explain that.

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Speaker 2: Well, the thing is is like we think submission is

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Speaker 2: like you come under me. You you know, I'm first,

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Speaker 2: your second, I'm the head, and you know you're the tale,

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Speaker 2: you know. But submission is a mutual desire that we

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Speaker 2: are both submitted to the call and covenant of our marriage.

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Speaker 4: So what we look at is this Irine is an individual.

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Speaker 4: I'm an individual.

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Speaker 2: Our marriage is its own entity, and we submit to

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Speaker 2: the vision, to the honor, to the call, to the

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Speaker 2: covenant of our marriage mutually. And so you know, a husbands,

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Speaker 2: you know, love your wives as Christ love the church.

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Speaker 2: Well how did Christ love the church? He died for

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Speaker 2: the church. So am willing to die for our marriage,

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Speaker 2: Like I'm not talking about a physical death. I'm talking

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Speaker 2: about a submission, a sacrificial nature of mind to lay

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Speaker 2: down my own ones, desires, feelings, thoughts, emotions for our marriage. Now,

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Speaker 2: Irene can submit to our marriage as I submit to

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Speaker 2: our marriage, understanding that I am the spiritual head of

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Speaker 2: our household. That doesn't mean that I make all the decisions.

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Speaker 2: I eat at all the restaurants I want to go to.

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Speaker 2: I have sex as much as I want. No, it's we,

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Speaker 2: As Irene said, we have a We've come up with

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Speaker 2: mutual expectations for our marriage that we both sacrifice for,

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Speaker 2: which is dual submission. Good.

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Speaker 3: How did that show up?

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Speaker 5: What were y'all wrestling with in the early stages of

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Speaker 5: your marriage with him having that ideology and maybe leading

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Speaker 5: from that heart posture?

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Speaker 3: How did you deal with that?

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Speaker 4: Well?

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Speaker 1: First of all, tnswer your question earlier. We've been in

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Speaker 1: counseling for twenty six years. Twenty six years heavy, fifteen years.

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Speaker 1: It's been heavy, heavy, like consistent, which has been a

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Speaker 1: game changer. And I stay in counseling. He takes breaks

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Speaker 1: from time to time because he you know.

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Speaker 2: I just I get todd people telling me pulling I'm

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Speaker 2: paying them to persecute me.

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Speaker 4: I feel like I stay in the work.

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Speaker 1: I got to keep doing the work because I feel

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Speaker 1: like if I'm not doing work on myself, I'm leaning

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Speaker 1: towards the propensity to relapse in addiction. And I'm ten

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Speaker 1: years sober from alcohol this November twenty twenty five numbers

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Speaker 1: November twelfth, and I have to be doing the work,

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Speaker 1: like internal emotional soul work in order to like, that's

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Speaker 1: my really my medicine to stay sober. Ultimately, ultimately it's God.

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Speaker 2: She often said, as if I'm not working on my recovery,

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Speaker 2: I'm working on my relapse.

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Speaker 3: Really yeah, So it's that serious.

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Speaker 5: I saw you pinned, which I really love on your

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Speaker 5: page nine years and so every year do you make

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Speaker 5: that the nupians and so ten you're approaching ten years

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Speaker 5: of sobriety and you still feel like it's a.

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Speaker 1: Struggle one hundred percent explain, I will never not desire

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Speaker 1: to drink. I have and if I ever think that

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Speaker 1: I am, okay, I run the risk of relapsing more.

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Speaker 1: Really yes, yes, and so ten years for me, I'm

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Speaker 1: actually at the point where I'm I don't need to

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Speaker 1: call myself an alcoholic to stay sober because I think

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Speaker 1: that that has attached a lot of shame, and God's

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Speaker 1: been reframing my shame over the past ten years, and

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Speaker 1: I believe that now I I am more comfortable saying

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Speaker 1: that my name is Irene and I have overcome an

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Speaker 1: addiction to alcoholics. My identity is in Jesus Christ. I

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Speaker 1: know who I am, but I want to help people

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Speaker 1: out there. The reason why on day thirty eight in rehab,

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Speaker 1: as a pastor's wife and a mom and a leader

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Speaker 1: in the church and a wife, I had to say

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Speaker 1: my name is Irene and I'm an alcoholic, was because

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Speaker 1: if I didn't say it that way that time and

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Speaker 1: that moment in time, wow, the shackles were not going

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Speaker 1: to fall off. I had to admit I had a problem.

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Speaker 1: I had to My life was in the balance because

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Speaker 1: the denial that when you're in an addiction, it's no

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Speaker 1: longer you talking, it's the addiction in your brain is

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Speaker 1: has been hijacked. So you're fighting to get out of

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Speaker 1: that control from that person, place, or thing.

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Speaker 4: That hurt had.

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Speaker 1: Celebrate recovery and it like you're you're fighting, and until

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Speaker 1: you confess it and admit it, it's controlling you.

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Speaker 3: Did you go through celebrate recovery?

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, okay, that's.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm best friends with the found founders.

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Speaker 2: Man.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, when I say that was liberating for me, you know,

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Speaker 5: and I used to I went thinking I had a

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Speaker 5: sexual addiction. And then after the third day, I realized,

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Speaker 5: God said, you have a sexual addiction. You have a

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Speaker 5: you have an addiction towards codependency. You're co dependent on

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Speaker 5: people's affirmations and people approved, people's approval. And I was like, oh,

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Speaker 5: I don't need people. I can come home out from

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Speaker 5: the hood. I don't need say yes you do, Yes

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Speaker 5: you do. Because every time you cheated on your wife,

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Speaker 5: you cheated on somebody that was a cheerleader.

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Speaker 3: You cheated on somebody that affirmed you. And I was

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Speaker 3: like wow.

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Speaker 5: And at that time, my ex wife and I hadn't

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Speaker 5: even had sex in sixteen months. I wasn't masturbating, I

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Speaker 5: wasn't doing anything in those sixteen months. And that's when

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Speaker 5: I started celebrate recovery. And so but I kept saying,

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Speaker 5: I'm just I'm a filthy dude. I did everything I

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Speaker 5: said I'll never do. I cheated on my wife. I

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Speaker 5: have a sexual addiction, and God was like, no, you

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Speaker 5: don't say yes, I do.

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Speaker 4: I cheated.

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Speaker 3: I cheated. He was like, but you don't.

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Speaker 5: And so that's when I started uncovering the real issues

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Speaker 5: with me, which when you look at it, that's how

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Speaker 5: God end up Birth and Dear Future Wifey. That was

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Speaker 5: in twenty ten and in twenty twenty, I do Dear

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Speaker 5: Future Wifey, where I'm sitting on a platform where I'm.

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Speaker 4: Sharing all my faults, not caring.

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Speaker 5: What type of pushback I dive from people from a

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Speaker 5: place where I was ten years ago. I bet I

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Speaker 5: was shoot well fifteen years ago. At this point, I

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Speaker 5: was like, oh no, I would It would eat me

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Speaker 5: alive if some of the stuff. If I was in

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Speaker 5: that same mind and said back then and I was

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Speaker 5: read and find videos attacking me or whatever, man, I

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Speaker 5: probably jump off the bridge somewhere.

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Speaker 4: Well yeah, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 5: And God had to deliver me from that so now

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Speaker 5: he could prepare me for this. It was a message

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Speaker 5: Bishop to TD Jakes. I don't know if he was

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Speaker 5: preaching the message or he just went derailed and sent

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Speaker 5: this message dropped this gym. But I was at the

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Speaker 5: church visiting one day. I had my I was doing

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Speaker 5: plays back in that time, had the cast there, and

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Speaker 5: he said that, he said something to the tune of

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Speaker 5: God will never be able to use you the way

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Speaker 5: he wants to use you unless he first delivered you

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Speaker 5: from people's opinion.

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Speaker 4: And he dropped that and I was like what.

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Speaker 5: And then this dude pastor Wingfield, No, this is this

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Speaker 5: other past this is other deacon. He tapped me on

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Speaker 5: the shoulder because I was like, God, he can't be

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Speaker 5: talking to me. And then the dude said, God's talking

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Speaker 5: to you. He said this is this and I look,

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Speaker 5: I said, hold on, what is going on? And I

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Speaker 5: sat there and I said, God, you know how I am.

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Speaker 5: There's no way on God's green earth. I'm gonna not

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Speaker 5: care what people say about me. So I don't know

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Speaker 5: if you don't ever use me, because it just doesn't

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Speaker 5: line up with the way my love language is words

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Speaker 5: of affirmation. So that just doesn't make sense. And that's

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Speaker 5: what guy had to live and be from. So it's

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Speaker 5: powerful that you went through that. You go speak at

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Speaker 5: national convention for that. When did it How long did

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Speaker 5: you struggle with alcoholism and at what age did it begin?

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Speaker 1: Well, that's such a great question. Exactly. Well, first of all,

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Speaker 1: the early exposure, so ten years old, ten years old, Yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm living in Cameroon at the time, in West Africa,

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Speaker 1: and my dad would get cases of guinness and I

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Speaker 1: asked him one day, Hey, can I have one of those?

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Speaker 1: He's like, it's vitamins. I was like, what is it like?

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Speaker 1: And he said it's vitamins. Like he joked and said

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Speaker 1: it with vitamins. I'm sorry, and I took him literally.

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Speaker 1: So I started helping myself to one a day.

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Speaker 4: A whole bottle of guinness.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know about alcohol like people weren't. It didn't

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Speaker 1: explain it or anything like that. We were given wine

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Speaker 1: with dinner when we went to special things that overseas.

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Speaker 4: That's just was the norm.

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Speaker 3: At what age they allow you to drink?

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Speaker 1: Well, I was anywhere from Yeah, it was ten and

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Speaker 1: there would be a little glass of wine at my

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Speaker 1: table at nice dinners.

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Speaker 5: Is that but that that consumption? Would it make you

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Speaker 5: inebriated as.

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Speaker 1: No, okay, but it's changing my brain chemistry in early

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Speaker 1: developmental formative years where my brain was being developed, so

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Speaker 1: I was in the beginnings of feeding creating an alcoholic Now,

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Speaker 1: then I go to boarding school overseas in Switzerland, and yes,

401
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Speaker 1: there was no drinking age, Like everybody was getting wasted,

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Speaker 1: and so I just went you could buy I could

403
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Speaker 1: go buy a six pack of Heineken a at fourteen

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Speaker 1: for real.

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Speaker 4: So there's no age limit at least.

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Speaker 1: Not that I knew of because I just walked in.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I just walked in and got it.

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Speaker 1: Like and I had a higher tolerance than all my friends.

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Speaker 1: I could drink four they were on half a Heineken

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Speaker 1: and they were tipsy. I'm like, y'all are lightweight, so.

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Speaker 5: You would drink a whole At ten years old, you

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Speaker 5: would drink a bottle of again.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so your dad ever cared you. He never noticed,

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Speaker 4: he never said anything, so.

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Speaker 3: You would just be sitting So what do you remember

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Speaker 3: feeling at ten years old?

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Speaker 1: I don't recall feeling anything. I just was doing what

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Speaker 1: this one day, Like my parents, I don't think they knew.

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Speaker 1: And so then like and then I started abusing it

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Speaker 1: up until I was twenty one. So I mean I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about if I drank, I drank to blackout, drink

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Speaker 1: I was at the club, you like, that's the only

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Speaker 1: way I could loosen up enough to dance.

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Speaker 4: To you would drink to the point to blacking out.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it wasn't a fun night unless you got like

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Speaker 1: I don't remember getting home. Some days I don't remember,

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Speaker 1: like who brought me home? How I got there, Like

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Speaker 1: it's a miracle. I'm alive, and meet Jesus. Six months later,

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Speaker 1: meet Jimmy.

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Speaker 4: This does me, I'm joking, was like, meet Jimmy. Y'all

431
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Speaker 4: say that she got no Jesus joking.

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Speaker 2: I'm not yellow, but I am he.

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Speaker 1: I like met Jesus and like met Jimmy, and then

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Speaker 1: it was like started popping out babies. I'm in the

435
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Speaker 1: church world. You're not supposed to be drinking, per Jimmy.

436
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Speaker 1: Like it was like a big no no. So I

437
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Speaker 1: didn't drink until I was about thirty two. We were

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Speaker 1: on vacation and he's he was hiding. No, I got

439
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Speaker 1: was saved.

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Speaker 4: She was hiding. But she stopped for that.

441
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: She did because I was told that, like drinking was sin,

442
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,600
Speaker 1: so you were able to stand.

443
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,119
Speaker 4: It was like, look at his hairline. That's how she stopped.

444
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,600
Speaker 1: I was so codependent, she wanted. I was so codependent,

445
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 1: that's why. Yeah, and like because I was so about

446
00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,080
Speaker 1: pleasing him, and so you were I.

447
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,320
Speaker 4: Want to stopped just because of.

448
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:06,159
Speaker 1: That, because that's how strong I was gripped in. Uh,

449
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 1: someone else's perception of me was more important to me.

450
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,439
Speaker 4: Than that where codependency.

451
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that was the root of Really, that's why

452
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 1: I said, you have to be working on your recovery

453
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,040
Speaker 1: in order to not relapse. Like, if I'm not working

454
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:25,000
Speaker 1: on being staying away from codependency and doing that internal work,

455
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,200
Speaker 1: it's great because it's if I'm not working on that,

456
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,120
Speaker 1: it's going to lead to drink the addiction.

457
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 3: So y'all met at what age twenty one?

458
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 4: He was twenty four.

459
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,240
Speaker 3: And you stayed sober for ten years.

460
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,479
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the moment I picked, you know, the moment

461
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,439
Speaker 1: that alcohol touched my lips.

462
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,480
Speaker 4: It was own.

463
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,159
Speaker 3: So what did that happened?

464
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:48,400
Speaker 2: Back?

465
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,920
Speaker 4: Because vacation, So y'all was out on vacation while you're

466
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 4: with him.

467
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then I grew up like you know, you

468
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,760
Speaker 2: didn't touch it, you know, religious family, PK. You know,

469
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,399
Speaker 2: So I want to rebel. Every time I drank, it

470
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 2: was like rebell. So we was on vacation, you know,

471
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,800
Speaker 2: and I remember, like, you know, I see my talking

472
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 2: to my friends. You know, hey man, you know I

473
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 2: wanted to be intimate.

474
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 4: You know you should give your wife some wine.

475
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:15,439
Speaker 2: I had no idea what we awakened me and we

476
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 2: had wine on that and now it's you know, six years,

477
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,440
Speaker 2: and she talks about this like literally, I did not

478
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,760
Speaker 2: know that one was too many and a thousand was

479
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,160
Speaker 2: not enough, and.

480
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,160
Speaker 3: One was too many and a thousand.

481
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:36,119
Speaker 2: She was woke up and it turned into we're leading

482
00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 2: a church, where pastoring churches growing, I'm speaking around the country,

483
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:47,679
Speaker 2: and I was so lost at home. I felt like

484
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 2: I could control I could preach to thousands and couldn't

485
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 2: talk to the one I lay next to every night.

486
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 2: I could build a church with an incredible kids ministry,

487
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,679
Speaker 2: but had no relationship with my own kids. Like I

488
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 2: was intoxicated with something different and they were both equally

489
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 2: destroying our marriage.

490
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,719
Speaker 4: So when was your first relationship with pornography?

491
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,679
Speaker 2: My first relationship with pornography was nine years old. I

492
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,919
Speaker 2: was nine years old than you, nine ten and nine.

493
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,159
Speaker 2: And I.

494
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 4: Remember the picture.

495
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,439
Speaker 2: I remember the boy who showed it to me, I

496
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 2: remember where I was standing. It's crazy to me how

497
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,920
Speaker 2: my whole life with learning disabilities, I could not remember

498
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 2: spelling how to spell words, and had a stuttering problem,

499
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,600
Speaker 2: severe studying problem growing up. But I can remember a

500
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,639
Speaker 2: picture that was formulated in me a nine, and that

501
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:44,680
Speaker 2: became my sexual appetite, that picture. And I now understand

502
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,919
Speaker 2: that your introduction will become your appetite until you're healed.

503
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,280
Speaker 3: Teach, Teach, And.

504
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:55,440
Speaker 4: Then when did she began to know about your private addiction? Oh?

505
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,200
Speaker 4: I told her day one. Oh really, the problem with

506
00:24:59,000 --> 00:24:59,439
Speaker 4: this is me.

507
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 3: So you told them how to say?

508
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,440
Speaker 2: We were at st We were in Maryland, at Saint

509
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 2: Stephen's and Saint Stephen's Maryland on a day vacation, like,

510
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 2: let's just go hang out for a day.

511
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 4: He was broke. Let me just keep it real. Day vacation.

512
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,000
Speaker 2: We were broke, and this looked like vacation because it

513
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 2: was me a some water and I was like, hey,

514
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 2: I need to talk to you, like I want to

515
00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 2: make sure we grow in our marriage. And I felt

516
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 2: like the greatest form of accountability.

517
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 3: I was already married.

518
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 4: Yeah it should be you.

519
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 2: And I said this is early on, like maybe year one,

520
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 2: And I was just sitting there like, I need you

521
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 2: to know this has nothing to do with you. I

522
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:40,200
Speaker 2: have a dysfunctional pharmacy inside of me that was introduced

523
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,639
Speaker 2: to me at nine. And when I don't feel validated,

524
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 2: when I feel insecure, I've noticed when I feel lonely,

525
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 2: I turned to that dysfunctional pharmacy. And back then I

526
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 2: thought it was addiction, like you said it was an addiction.

527
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,199
Speaker 2: It was codependency, right, And I said, I hope that

528
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 2: you can be a covering for me in this area.

529
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,320
Speaker 2: That's and pray for me in this area because like,

530
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 2: because I was told that, you know, the best kind

531
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 2: of prayers are the ones that come from the one

532
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:08,840
Speaker 2: you lay next to every night.

533
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,240
Speaker 4: Teach say that again.

534
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,520
Speaker 2: People don't need hands laid on me by a pastor.

535
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 2: I can get hands laid on me by my partner.

536
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 2: That's what I'm talking about, right next to me. Why

537
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,200
Speaker 2: am I waiting to go to church when the church

538
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,000
Speaker 2: is laying right next to me? God, you know, that's

539
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,680
Speaker 2: why Jesus, like literally scripture, God caused the church and

540
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,239
Speaker 2: his relationship with us as the church at marriage and

541
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,360
Speaker 2: so like I told her, and she was like, oh

542
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,199
Speaker 2: my gosh, like she could not believe I was that

543
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,119
Speaker 2: honest and that vulnerable, and it wasn't pretty at First,

544
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,000
Speaker 2: what I love is she didn't react. She didn't emotionally

545
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 2: hijack and and and talk about how what I am

546
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 2: saying is affecting her hold on.

547
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 3: So how did you know that not to do that?

548
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:50,879
Speaker 4: I didn't.

549
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,000
Speaker 1: I think, I honestly feel like it was the Holy

550
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 1: Spirit when a man opens his soul like that.

551
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 4: Oh I shut up, yep, most women can't do that.

552
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 3: I'm about say, who taught you that?

553
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 5: Because that's that's something that I believe typically has to

554
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 5: be talked.

555
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,240
Speaker 3: But your instructor was the Holy Spirit.

556
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,280
Speaker 4: It had to be because I was too young to

557
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 4: know better.

558
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,600
Speaker 1: Right, There's so much I didn't know, and it's like

559
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,439
Speaker 1: something silenced me because I had It was like a

560
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 1: reverent moment, like I had to be still and silent

561
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:29,080
Speaker 1: and just allow him to Like this man was opening

562
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 1: and so I'd never met another human being that was

563
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 1: this honest I didn't. Part of it was I didn't

564
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:37,760
Speaker 1: know what to do or say.

565
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 2: And I think, to looking back at it in hindsight, bias.

566
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 2: God was actually healing the no talk rule in her

567
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 2: family that she grew up.

568
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,159
Speaker 4: So we believe that your spouse is the blueprint for

569
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:49,639
Speaker 4: your growth.

570
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,159
Speaker 2: Right, So like in that moment of me being transparent,

571
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,720
Speaker 2: like it was kind of like, well, he's talking about

572
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,120
Speaker 2: something that I'm not, so I'm not gonna talk because

573
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: she was in a no talk world.

574
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 4: But she was a great.

575
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 2: Listener, and so I unpacked two things to her that day.

576
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 2: It was that and it was, Hey, there's this girl

577
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 2: in college that never had a sexual relationship with I

578
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 2: always wanted to date. We never dated. We were just

579
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 2: really good friends. And sometimes I desire her friendship, which

580
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,480
Speaker 2: says to me that we need to be better friends.

581
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 2: And that day, same day, I told her that, and

582
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 2: I ended it with this, I want you.

583
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,440
Speaker 4: I want you to be my best friend.

584
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 2: I don't want to have desires outside of And then

585
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 2: I said this, and I want you to be my

586
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 2: sexual desire. That's what I said, Like I didn't know

587
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 2: any other way, and I'll never forget. That started my

588
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 2: daily prayer that I still pray today. God when I

589
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 2: wake up this morning, I prayed it this morning, made

590
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 2: my eyes only desire the body of my wife, because

591
00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 2: it's real out here in this culture. And I twenty

592
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 2: six years, we've been faithful, twenty six years.

593
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 4: You know, we've been great.

594
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 2: Like when I say, great, I'm talking about for one another. Yes,

595
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 2: but struggles, fights, all the things that everybody goes through.

596
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 2: But one thing that we have vowed to each other,

597
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 2: and this is this is not theology.

598
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 4: So I'm gonna say that on purpose.

599
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 2: Is that before I a cheat on you, I'll leave

600
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,320
Speaker 2: you because I hate you that much.

601
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's good.

602
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 2: So we've never gotten to the place of leaving, and

603
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,040
Speaker 2: so like even through I have I want to leave,

604
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:42,480
Speaker 2: I want to quit, I want to divorce. When she

605
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,320
Speaker 2: was going through the alcoholism, for it for years and

606
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: not admitting it, it was the hardest thing ever to

607
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 2: And then I would negotiate with my own healing by saying,

608
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,680
Speaker 2: I deserve to look at this. I deserve this picture,

609
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,960
Speaker 2: I deserve this this clip to look at this is

610
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 2: before scrolling. No, you had to be intentional to have pornography.

611
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,840
Speaker 2: You had to pay for it with the hoping that

612
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 2: she didn't see the cable bill. Look, I was negotiating

613
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,520
Speaker 2: with what was eternal, with something that was fantasy.

614
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:20,600
Speaker 5: Let me ask you some Mareen him being as vulnerable

615
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 5: and transparent early on, why wasn't that the foundation for

616
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 5: you to be open about your alcoholism?

617
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:28,600
Speaker 2: Hm?

618
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: Wow, That's a great question, I think because it wasn't

619
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:39,040
Speaker 1: in me like this fact like we always we marry

620
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: what we didn't have right growing up to try to

621
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: reconcile something that has been missing, and I didn't have that,

622
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 1: that openness, that honesty, no secrets. I didn't know how

623
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,400
Speaker 1: so as much as we were in therapy, it had

624
00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: been ingrained in me to keep this mouth shut. You

625
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: do not speak about something super personal, like you wipe

626
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,880
Speaker 1: the tears, don't let anybody see you cry. You get

627
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like that is just too much vulnerability.

628
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 1: And so everything about him that he did I loved,

629
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 1: but made me so uncomfortable to do it for myself.

630
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:20,000
Speaker 4: It took.

631
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: Jesus, the Bible and a whole lot of just breaking

632
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 1: of that like belief system. That start and this started

633
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,960
Speaker 1: in rehab, and it took that day thirty eight of rehab.

634
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 1: I had done all the work admitted, you know, sexual

635
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:43,320
Speaker 1: abuse in my childhood. I finally said that out loud.

636
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 5: That was the next question I'm about to ask you.

637
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 5: I was about to ask you what other things that

638
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:47,360
Speaker 5: you keep silent?

639
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 4: Oh?

640
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 1: I kept that That one was and that was a

641
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 1: big one because that was one of the things that

642
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,360
Speaker 1: led me to drink in the first place. The undealt

643
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:59,000
Speaker 1: with trauma, right yep, And all the pent up emotions

644
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,040
Speaker 1: that about pain and hurt and things I've resented about

645
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,960
Speaker 1: him had built up and I never expressed it. I

646
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,600
Speaker 1: just didn't know how. I don't know how else to

647
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,680
Speaker 1: tell you that. I'm sure there are listeners out there

648
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 1: people who were like, I know what she's talking about. Like,

649
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:17,080
Speaker 1: you don't even know how to articulate in words what

650
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: it is you're experiencing on the inside.

651
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 4: All you know is.

652
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 1: That person place thing you're using to take you somewhere

653
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:33,600
Speaker 1: else to ease the pain that feels better than the

654
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:36,080
Speaker 1: the pain of the and the courage it's gonna take

655
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 1: to actually say it out loud.

656
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 4: I just couldn't.

657
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 1: And it took rehab in them really retraining my brain

658
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,000
Speaker 1: to get me to be open and honest.

659
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:49,960
Speaker 2: I remember when, fifteen years in our marriage, I'm hearing

660
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:54,440
Speaker 2: why our sex life was such a struggle, Like I'm like,

661
00:32:55,080 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 2: and I'm like what Like, Like, I did a lot

662
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:04,560
Speaker 2: of other stuff, but I waited until we got married

663
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,560
Speaker 2: to go all the way, to go all the way.

664
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 2: And so I was like, you know, when you're growing

665
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 2: up in church, in the religious family, that becomes a

666
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:17,320
Speaker 2: trophy right to wait to actually trauma. I'll explain that.

667
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 2: But I feel like when we got healthy, when she

668
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:27,400
Speaker 2: told me, it gave me definition to our dysfunction. And

669
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,920
Speaker 2: I feel like many couples, if you're listening right now,

670
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,960
Speaker 2: like you will always be as sick as your secrets.

671
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 4: Period.

672
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 2: Your marriage will always be as six as the secrets

673
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 2: that you have in it. And then if it's not

674
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 2: a secret, if someone else knows something and that your

675
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,280
Speaker 2: spouse doesn't know, that's actually emotional cheating. There it is,

676
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 2: and it can be of the same sex. And so

677
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 2: what I did that day, Yes, I was frustrated, yes,

678
00:33:55,960 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 2: but it gave me like relief that our sexual dysfunction

679
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 2: wasn't mine, like I'm not performing or I'm not good

680
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,440
Speaker 2: at something, or why can't we do that. I didn't

681
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,839
Speaker 2: know that she was sexually abused, and that was what

682
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:11,760
Speaker 2: the person you know.

683
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:15,160
Speaker 1: Well, that's why I needed to drink to abbreviate the

684
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,880
Speaker 1: stress that I was feeling every time we went to

685
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:20,640
Speaker 1: be intimate. I didn't realize that I was being I

686
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 1: was being triggered by several like it could be all

687
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:30,640
Speaker 1: your senses. The body keeps score, so site, smell, touch,

688
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:33,439
Speaker 1: all the things. If I got triggered, I didn't know

689
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 1: that I was going getting all like you know, trauma

690
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: reacting and I didn't know I was drinking at that

691
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 1: and he thought I was drinking at men.

692
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 4: And now I have definition to dysfunction.

693
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 3: Now you took it as rejection.

694
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:50,600
Speaker 4: I did, And that's what happens.

695
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 2: People leave, people get divorced, People separate because they're like,

696
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 2: am I crazy or are you crazy? Well, we're both

697
00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 2: crazy and with both the blueprints, So let's unpack our

698
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 2: crazy so we can hear together.

699
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:03,759
Speaker 4: Like saying.

700
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:06,880
Speaker 2: So I started asking her questions like, hey, how are

701
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:07,719
Speaker 2: you feeling right now?

702
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,120
Speaker 4: And I started asking her question to drawing it out of.

703
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:17,080
Speaker 2: Her, training her in the good parts of me to

704
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,399
Speaker 2: be real and vulnerable. See, Transparency is what I let

705
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 2: you see. Transparency is what other people see. Vulnerability is

706
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: letting you know why I act the way I act

707
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 2: from what you see. That's giving people definition to dysfunction.

708
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 5: Y'all messing me up right now, because I know this

709
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 5: is helping so many people.

710
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 3: I know for a fact.

711
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 5: It's like it's certain guests that I'll be talking to

712
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,040
Speaker 5: and I'll be present in the conversation, but then I'll

713
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:52,399
Speaker 5: hear in the spirit realm and I'm hearing how it's

714
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 5: been deposited into people's minds. It's like I just heard

715
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 5: a woman's scream, you know, like while she's telling this story,

716
00:35:59,239 --> 00:35:59,560
Speaker 5: I just.

717
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,759
Speaker 4: Heard a one and just start screaming, you know.

718
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 5: What I'm saying. It's like I'm hearing these things. I'm like,

719
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:05,879
Speaker 5: am I supposed to say it's a trigger warning right here?

720
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:06,160
Speaker 4: Or what?

721
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,440
Speaker 5: It's like my mind is just like going between these spaces,

722
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:13,719
Speaker 5: not wanting to ruin the moment, but I'm hearing breakthrough

723
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 5: take place. I'm hearing men get reference to being like, wow,

724
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:20,839
Speaker 5: now I need to be more emotionally involved in.

725
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,960
Speaker 4: The sex life of our marriage.

726
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 3: It's certain questions.

727
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 5: When you find out one in five women have been

728
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,879
Speaker 5: victims of sexual assault, and with black women is one

729
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:33,560
Speaker 5: and four, then you need to have these conversations because

730
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,279
Speaker 5: if you just go one, two, three, four, and then

731
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,160
Speaker 5: you say, hold on this woman, maybe somebody I may

732
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:42,279
Speaker 5: have married a woman that is wrestling with that internally.

733
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 4: Let's have the conversation.

734
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 5: Least be at base camp and say hey, I was wondering,

735
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 5: have you ever been a victim of sexual assault?

736
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:51,440
Speaker 4: And then let them go.

737
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,400
Speaker 5: I've been I've always wanted to share this with somebody,

738
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 5: and then that's going to create a greater deal of

739
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:02,120
Speaker 5: intimacy and now you're really truly knowing that person that

740
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 5: you SAYD vows with.

741
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 2: Uh.

742
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,040
Speaker 5: And so it's just it's just it's just it's just

743
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 5: a lot in this And first of all, thank y'all

744
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 5: for this vulnerability and transparency, because especially in the office

745
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 5: and the position of pastors, as y'all been a lot

746
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 5: of times people just don't share that type stuff. They

747
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 5: just may not about to share that they struggle with pornography,

748
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 5: and they're not going to talk about I've never before Irene,

749
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,520
Speaker 5: and I know how powerful ministry is, but I never

750
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,160
Speaker 5: heard nobody talk about alcoholism in church. They just don't

751
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:31,480
Speaker 5: talk about it. Well, you know what I'm saying. They

752
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:33,480
Speaker 5: just never said I struggle with alcohol you like what,

753
00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 5: because it's so normalized nowadays. It's Sunday Fun Day is

754
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:38,959
Speaker 5: on the same day as church, you know what I'm saying,

755
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:41,600
Speaker 5: And so people go leave church and go to happy Hour.

756
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 5: It ain't no big ain't no big issue. So it's

757
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:46,319
Speaker 5: just good that you're giving a reference to all of this.

758
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:51,000
Speaker 5: When you started, when he started dialing, dialing into you

759
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:55,640
Speaker 5: from an emotional standpoint, how did that start helping you

760
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:58,880
Speaker 5: from a sexual experience, start healing that child of the trauma.

761
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 1: Yes, so first of all, I feel like, Jimmy, you

762
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:06,359
Speaker 1: made space. I feel like I have to look at

763
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: him when I do this. You made space for my humanity,

764
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:20,839
Speaker 1: my brokenness, and because you had laid the foundation of

765
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 1: honesty and vulnerability, it's like my knowwher knew that I

766
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:30,280
Speaker 1: could trust you with what I was laying on the table.

767
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 1: So I began to bring him into Okay, right now,

768
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:43,440
Speaker 1: I am experiencing. I'm tense, so I need you to

769
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 1: do this specifically. And so my work to do was

770
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,400
Speaker 1: figuring out how to admit it that I was struggling

771
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: in that moment and you're literally about to have sex.

772
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 1: But and how do you do that without getting out

773
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:57,520
Speaker 1: of the mood?

774
00:38:57,600 --> 00:38:57,839
Speaker 4: Right?

775
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:01,400
Speaker 1: But I'm like, if you want me to be fully engaged,

776
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,839
Speaker 1: I'm going to need your help to get present. So

777
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:10,319
Speaker 1: I gave him specific things like touch like he'll touch me,

778
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,799
Speaker 1: and hold like my knee and like ground me and

779
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 1: bring me into the present, and it helped my body

780
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 1: to come go from the past into the present, and

781
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 1: that became my new memory. So when the trigger would

782
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,200
Speaker 1: come up, and again it could be a scent, it

783
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:31,320
Speaker 1: could be a touch, like I could close my eyes

784
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 1: and certain images cross my eyes and I would just say, hey,

785
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 1: I need you to help me be present, so that

786
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,560
Speaker 1: it's a one liner. And we came up with that

787
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:46,920
Speaker 1: together so that he didn't kill the mood, but then

788
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: it helped me come into the present. So it's like, no,

789
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 1: I'm safe here, I'm okay, I'm okay, you're okay. I

790
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,200
Speaker 1: had like certain statements that are one liners that I

791
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,800
Speaker 1: would say that would bring me out of the trauma

792
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 1: ree acting little girl and into the present safety.

793
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 4: And we had.

794
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 1: Prayer together where he like literally helped care for her,

795
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:12,200
Speaker 1: the sixth seven year old little girl, the ten year

796
00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:15,960
Speaker 1: old little girl. He literally prayed over her, talked to her,

797
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,640
Speaker 1: shared with her how her worth and her value and

798
00:40:19,719 --> 00:40:22,959
Speaker 1: like said, you know, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

799
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,960
Speaker 1: And I also faced the little girl and comforted her

800
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:30,279
Speaker 1: and said, I'm sorry your innocence was taken, and you know,

801
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:34,960
Speaker 1: we walked through that together. And let me tell you

802
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 1: that what the Lord you think is lost is not lost.

803
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 1: In the Book of Joel, it talks about like how

804
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 1: he'll like what.

805
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 4: The restore warm warm?

806
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, he restored it as if it didn't happen like this,

807
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:57,359
Speaker 1: like literally the spirit of manassa forgotten like through this

808
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:58,160
Speaker 1: you and.

809
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:02,280
Speaker 2: Me, and I think real you know, in those moments,

810
00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:06,920
Speaker 2: not that it was easy, because, like you know, sexual

811
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 2: desire can be very selfish. Absolutely, and I think realizing that,

812
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,800
Speaker 2: you know, I've heard, you know, people talk about worship

813
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 2: and marriage and you know, getting in the mood and

814
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 2: all of those things. But when you really look at

815
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:28,000
Speaker 2: the true theology of marriage, that God created me and

816
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:32,319
Speaker 2: her to be fruitful so that we could multiply, so

817
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 2: that we.

818
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 4: Could bring Heaven to earth.

819
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:39,960
Speaker 2: In those moments, I had to understand that my assignment

820
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:45,280
Speaker 2: was different. My assignment was not to have my wife

821
00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:49,480
Speaker 2: to teach. My assignment was to heal my wife. And

822
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 2: the only way that I could heal it if she

823
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 2: confessed it. Confess your sins the God that you may

824
00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:57,840
Speaker 2: be forgiven. She was forgiven. Confess your sins to one another.

825
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 2: You may be healed. But was my job to be

826
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 2: a conduit for healing. So I had to say things like, hey,

827
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,879
Speaker 2: we don't have to do let if you just want

828
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:11,160
Speaker 2: to be held, I'm cool. I had to say things

829
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 2: like hey, be present, it's me. I had to say

830
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,440
Speaker 2: things like hey, let's just stop and pray.

831
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 3: Right.

832
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 4: It wasn't easy. I don't want anyone listening to think that. No,

833
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:25,560
Speaker 4: this was.

834
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:33,240
Speaker 2: Me accepting my role allowing the Holy Spirit to change,

835
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:38,400
Speaker 2: which was a dysfunctional pharmacy going to seek things to

836
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:43,160
Speaker 2: cover up this. No, God was using me to cover

837
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:47,440
Speaker 2: it in a way that would bring her back to

838
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 2: present and we would have conversations like afterwards, are you good?

839
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:57,320
Speaker 2: I had to get to places where I didn't finish

840
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:03,760
Speaker 2: because the work of the completed, finishing work of Jesus.

841
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 4: It was my assignment to help that take place.

842
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:10,399
Speaker 1: And so as if I had tears or whatever, style

843
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:10,879
Speaker 1: just say.

844
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 2: And so now fast forwarding, I'm starting to realize what

845
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:20,799
Speaker 2: intimacy really is because we say we love people, but

846
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,880
Speaker 2: that love is a very cultural love.

847
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 4: We know now God's love.

848
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 2: It looks for sin, it looks for dysfunction, it looks

849
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 2: for everything that it's not in order for it to

850
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:37,719
Speaker 2: be defined in what it was created to do. So

851
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:41,000
Speaker 2: when we say God is love, God's love doesn't have

852
00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 2: any other agenda but to reconcile teach. So when I

853
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 2: say I love my wife, I'm not saying give me food,

854
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 2: give me sex, give me babies. I'm saying, what can

855
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:57,359
Speaker 2: I do to reconcile the thing inside of you that

856
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:01,480
Speaker 2: was dysfunctional, trauma, triggers, whatever. And I like to say

857
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,839
Speaker 2: it this way in our marriage, my love is at

858
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:06,880
Speaker 2: his best when you're at your worst.

859
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:08,879
Speaker 4: That's God's love.

860
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 2: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. There

861
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 2: was no quota of scripture, reading, church attendance or anything.

862
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 4: God loves us at our worst period.

863
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:29,160
Speaker 5: You know what's so interesting, It's like you were unpacking

864
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,840
Speaker 5: a minute ago. God, were you somebody that was dealing

865
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 5: with their own sexual addiction to cover somebody else who

866
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,680
Speaker 5: had been violated from a.

867
00:44:39,719 --> 00:44:43,160
Speaker 4: Sexual actep Like, is it something?

868
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:46,960
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's God's obniscience. He said I needed Jimmy to

869
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 5: go through what he went through. I need you to

870
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 5: go through what you go through. But if y'all are

871
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 5: surrendered and submitted, that's what true submission is submitted to

872
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,800
Speaker 5: what God says that I can use this to breathe

873
00:44:58,120 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 5: healing in this relationship.

874
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:08,440
Speaker 2: I just had a first time revelation of an area

875
00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:09,319
Speaker 2: that I resented for.

876
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:11,799
Speaker 4: A long time. And what's that talk about it?

877
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 2: So I love when God does this, Like I had

878
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:17,880
Speaker 2: no idea that he wanted to heal something else in

879
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:23,480
Speaker 2: me today, And never have I felt shame. I didn't

880
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:27,280
Speaker 2: want to shame her about her past and body count

881
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:30,440
Speaker 2: versus mind mine was higher and all of the things.

882
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:33,800
Speaker 4: I waited until we got married to have sex.

883
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 2: And honestly, I would ask God, like, is that driving

884
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:42,839
Speaker 2: my pornography? And just to have to see what something

885
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:47,000
Speaker 2: else is? Like yep, And I realize just now when

886
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:49,520
Speaker 2: you said those words, just right now, the Holy Spirit,

887
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:50,720
Speaker 2: you know I might.

888
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:51,279
Speaker 4: Have to give you an offer.

889
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:56,080
Speaker 2: The Holy Spirit said to me, Know, the reason I

890
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:59,320
Speaker 2: had you wait is because you're the only person that

891
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:02,880
Speaker 2: could give her some thing to No other guy was able.

892
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 4: To give her, no one.

893
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 2: And I've been struggling internally from time to time with

894
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:15,000
Speaker 2: like like I was a good looking dude, I said, No,

895
00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:19,520
Speaker 2: I've been in situations in college where I'll never forget.

896
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:22,960
Speaker 2: I was in the car with a girl. You know,

897
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,520
Speaker 2: got to a place where we were ready to go

898
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:29,320
Speaker 2: and the lights came on in a car that was off.

899
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:34,360
Speaker 2: This is not I'm not BSA. Y'all can text comment

900
00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 2: whatever you think. This is my real reality. I ain't

901
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:41,759
Speaker 2: getting paid for this. I'm telling you right now. I

902
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,040
Speaker 2: remember the girl's name, I remember where we were aparked,

903
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:46,200
Speaker 2: I remember all the things, and the lights on the

904
00:46:46,239 --> 00:46:49,680
Speaker 2: car came on and I thought it was my mom

905
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:53,759
Speaker 2: praying against that moment, I did not know that that

906
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 2: was Irene's future and we hadn't met yet. I was

907
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:04,880
Speaker 2: able to give her something that no other man was

908
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:07,200
Speaker 2: able to give her. And it's not until this moment

909
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:10,400
Speaker 2: right here that I can say I no longer resent

910
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 2: that I recognize why God reserved me to be a part.

911
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 4: Of healing you, the kinsman, redeemer just right now, that

912
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 4: is my soul.

913
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 1: Because we've talked about this, I'm like, are you resentful?

914
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:25,719
Speaker 5: Like?

915
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:27,760
Speaker 4: And I we asked that I don't.

916
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:30,400
Speaker 1: Mind sharing this, like I asked him, I'm like, do

917
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:33,479
Speaker 1: you ever like? Like I've asked him over the years

918
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 1: several times, like do you resent me? Because it took

919
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: me so long to get honest about my body count?

920
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:42,240
Speaker 1: Because it was way high and compared to him, and

921
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 1: well he didn't technically have one. And then I'm like,

922
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:47,840
Speaker 1: but you saved yourself, your whatever. Wonder what it's like.

923
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:50,640
Speaker 2: It was a body count, but it was my hand

924
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:52,640
Speaker 2: I'm just telling you that's just the truth.

925
00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:57,080
Speaker 4: I don't want nobody to think that I was just ahead.

926
00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:00,839
Speaker 1: I'm you did other things, okay, but that's not.

927
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:08,960
Speaker 4: Edit it out. I'm sorry, But his journey.

928
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:12,719
Speaker 2: I had handy. So what you was saying is in

929
00:48:12,760 --> 00:48:14,960
Speaker 2: this moment, we've had those conversations.

930
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like I always wondered if like he would

931
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: struggle with like the more temptation because he hadn't had

932
00:48:23,680 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 1: any other partners but me. But then at the same time,

933
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:31,759
Speaker 1: I was kind of like that was the biggest gift

934
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:34,480
Speaker 1: he gave me. And I'll tell you why, the amount

935
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:39,920
Speaker 1: of uh baggage I had from uh sexual abuse from childhood.

936
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 1: But then men, you know, date rape and all the

937
00:48:43,120 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 1: other things. Like I've never had anybody not just grope me,

938
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:51,319
Speaker 1: not look me up and down in a sexually explicit way,

939
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 1: undressing me with their eyes. That's what drew me to him.

940
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:57,239
Speaker 1: We worked together, and I'm like, this guy ain't like

941
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,040
Speaker 1: if he was checking me out, he didn't just made

942
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 1: sure I didn't see him doing it, you know what

943
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 1: I mean. I'd never met anybody who did that. Then

944
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,840
Speaker 1: you saved yourself from marriage. Well does that people actually

945
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:06,239
Speaker 1: do that?

946
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:07,799
Speaker 3: Did you feel unworthy to be with him?

947
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 1: But the fact that he had that moral compass in him,

948
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:19,240
Speaker 1: I said, I think I could do life with somebody

949
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 1: like this because that integrity I'd never seen in my life.

950
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:27,920
Speaker 1: Not that he was perfect, but the fact that he

951
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,479
Speaker 1: didn't just want me for my body I'd never seen.

952
00:49:31,719 --> 00:49:33,520
Speaker 4: I don't know if we would have worked out.

953
00:49:33,719 --> 00:49:35,480
Speaker 1: I don't know if we would have gotten married if

954
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 1: he hadn't given me that.

955
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:40,399
Speaker 5: That's how that's that's why I say the omniscience of God.

956
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 5: And from one man to another, Jimmy, I want to

957
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,920
Speaker 5: just tell you that I honor respect you for having

958
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:50,200
Speaker 5: that level of discipline where you don't have all these

959
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:52,879
Speaker 5: women that you've spread your seed. You had all these

960
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 5: people that from a physical standpoint, you know, of course

961
00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:58,640
Speaker 5: you said the imagery that's in your mind, you know,

962
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:01,879
Speaker 5: has plagged you since nine years old. But the fact

963
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:06,839
Speaker 5: that you haven't become one with another woman on this

964
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,680
Speaker 5: earth and even though you've wrestled with feeling, resentment, feeling

965
00:50:10,719 --> 00:50:13,279
Speaker 5: all the feelings that you fell throughout this twenty six

966
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:16,000
Speaker 5: years of marriage, you still it's twenty six, right. You

967
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 5: still never stepped out and said, you know what, I'm

968
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:22,000
Speaker 5: finna see for myself. I know you've experienced this. I

969
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:24,680
Speaker 5: know you did this. I know that you know you.

970
00:50:24,680 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 5: You didn't tell me that you dealt with alcoholism, and

971
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 5: that's making me feel rejected.

972
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:30,960
Speaker 3: And then I'm gonna go ahead and go I'm gonna

973
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 3: go ahead and go all the way.

974
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 5: The fact that you operated with such discipline that you

975
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 5: didn't do that from one brother to another. I salute you, King,

976
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 5: because that's powerful. It's very rare. I want to take

977
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:46,719
Speaker 5: time to actually applaud that because we're not we're as men,

978
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,000
Speaker 5: we're told the opposite.

979
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:49,120
Speaker 3: It's like you.

980
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 5: Ain't never had you only had one person time man, man,

981
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,360
Speaker 5: you ain't never really lived, like you ain't really really

982
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,880
Speaker 5: lived unless you had a whole lot of bodies.

983
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:57,560
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

984
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 5: We're taught that at sixteen years old, and recognize that

985
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:04,440
Speaker 5: the hardest thing for me to be faithful in marriage

986
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:06,319
Speaker 5: is because when I said I do I brought all

987
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 5: these women in the bed with me, not realizing that

988
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:11,880
Speaker 5: in my mind, my body didn't say I got married.

989
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 4: My body don't know that your spirit is married.

990
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:16,920
Speaker 5: But your body is sitting up here saying your body

991
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:19,360
Speaker 5: is like just a couple of years ago, you smashing

992
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:21,200
Speaker 5: us other, you just you just what are you talked about?

993
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:24,439
Speaker 5: You said I do? And so the reality is we

994
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:28,040
Speaker 5: normalize all of these acts that we do, and then

995
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:30,319
Speaker 5: where we trick and let me tell you what the

996
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:34,279
Speaker 5: biggest lie that happens. Isn't this crazy? How we normalize

997
00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:36,920
Speaker 5: the day before we get married. Like I said, I'm

998
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:40,279
Speaker 5: getting married November twenty seconds and I'm being married by

999
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:43,520
Speaker 5: you know, my circle of Christian men that we ain't

1000
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:45,920
Speaker 5: doing no you know, going to strip clubs and all

1001
00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:48,440
Speaker 5: that stuff. Now we're gonna have words of affirmation ceremony

1002
00:51:48,440 --> 00:51:52,279
Speaker 5: where we talking, we affirm each other. So, but think

1003
00:51:52,320 --> 00:51:55,560
Speaker 5: about how normalize it is to go have your last

1004
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:59,480
Speaker 5: night of fun. So we go, quote unquote bye bye

1005
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:00,759
Speaker 5: bye standards.

1006
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 4: Go have fun.

1007
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:05,000
Speaker 5: Don't tell your wife this it's your last night. You're

1008
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:08,839
Speaker 5: gonna go do whatever. God knows whatever. Strippers get get

1009
00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:11,359
Speaker 5: your little get some head, get whatever, you want, and

1010
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,279
Speaker 5: then walk down the aisle and holy matrimony, right and

1011
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:16,719
Speaker 5: make covenant. It make a whole covenant. Your body was

1012
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:19,319
Speaker 5: just doing that twenty four hours ago. Lessen twenty four

1013
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:21,520
Speaker 5: hours ago, and then here you are walking down there

1014
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 5: talking about I take these vows to honor, respect you

1015
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:24,719
Speaker 5: and all this.

1016
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:26,280
Speaker 4: But I'm gonna keep this secret.

1017
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:28,200
Speaker 5: Now. I'm gonna start off the marriage with a secret

1018
00:52:28,239 --> 00:52:31,279
Speaker 5: that happened twenty four hours ago. I'm supposed tell my wife.

1019
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:33,360
Speaker 5: Ain't gonna tell my wife. Hey, I just it was

1020
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:35,480
Speaker 5: just some strippers and y'all slept with one of them.

1021
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:37,879
Speaker 5: You're not gonna do that because it's never okay while

1022
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,200
Speaker 5: y'all were dating each other, But the night before you

1023
00:52:40,239 --> 00:52:43,320
Speaker 5: take vows, it's normalized that you're gonna do some things.

1024
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,480
Speaker 5: And hey, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

1025
00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:49,880
Speaker 4: That is so good, Like you want to go. I

1026
00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:51,399
Speaker 4: want to say something real quick.

1027
00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 1: Just the fact you hit on the normalization, Like we

1028
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:55,560
Speaker 1: have normalized.

1029
00:52:55,600 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 4: We've conformed to the things of.

1030
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:01,520
Speaker 1: This world absolutely, and it's like we that I conformed

1031
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:04,720
Speaker 1: to alcohol. That was my choice, like, oh, everybody drinks

1032
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,560
Speaker 1: like and then I used it as rationalization for my

1033
00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:11,520
Speaker 1: medication to use it as medication, and over time, it

1034
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:15,920
Speaker 1: took six years for me to be like completely needing rehab.

1035
00:53:16,040 --> 00:53:17,280
Speaker 4: Six years from.

1036
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:20,839
Speaker 1: That start, and it just got heavier and heavy, went

1037
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:25,720
Speaker 1: from you know, casual not well, you know, moderate drinking

1038
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:29,080
Speaker 1: to like abuse of it and hiding vodka and water

1039
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:32,160
Speaker 1: bottles because we thought about it so much, Like but

1040
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:38,239
Speaker 1: I had. I took advantage of the fact that it

1041
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 1: was so normalized in culture, and then nobody talked about

1042
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:45,960
Speaker 1: it in the church, so I hid it. So the

1043
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:50,439
Speaker 1: hiding made it grow even more, and it turned into

1044
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:53,520
Speaker 1: something I couldn't stop on my own and needed help

1045
00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:54,080
Speaker 1: to stop.

1046
00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 5: And you called it medication, which is interesting because your

1047
00:53:57,360 --> 00:53:58,480
Speaker 5: dad called it vitamins.

1048
00:53:58,600 --> 00:53:59,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, isn't that crazy.

1049
00:54:00,520 --> 00:54:03,360
Speaker 2: I think what you were saying like, I want to

1050
00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 2: talk to the person who's listening, I do not want

1051
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:11,600
Speaker 2: you to feel condemnation, right like sexual appetite. You know what,

1052
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:14,480
Speaker 2: you know, you haven't had a model the culture that

1053
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:16,520
Speaker 2: we All of those things are real. But one thing

1054
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,600
Speaker 2: I was thinking about when you were talking is that

1055
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:27,919
Speaker 2: we want the benefit of marriage, not realizing scripture talls

1056
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:30,520
Speaker 2: us to wait, you know, until we it's in the

1057
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:33,880
Speaker 2: covenant of marriage. But when we wake up the benefit

1058
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 2: of marriage, which is a sexual relationship with a human

1059
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:43,160
Speaker 2: before I'm married, we get the warfare of marriage without

1060
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:44,840
Speaker 2: the covenant to make you stay.

1061
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:45,799
Speaker 3: God, dog, that's good.

1062
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I was thinking about you cooking right now.

1063
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:51,440
Speaker 2: This is all you might need to travel with God.

1064
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:53,920
Speaker 2: I'm getting revelation and I don't normally have. But I

1065
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:59,040
Speaker 2: think about this, like, why your relationships on working is

1066
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:05,640
Speaker 2: because you have given this human a benefit of marriage

1067
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:10,080
Speaker 2: without the covenant to handle the warfare that you're waking up.

1068
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:17,960
Speaker 4: And if you would consider that, you don't need.

1069
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:25,080
Speaker 2: To try test drive all of the things, because that's

1070
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:28,480
Speaker 2: not what you're created. Your marriage is created for it.

1071
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:32,360
Speaker 2: Trust me what I'm telling you this. The reason that

1072
00:55:32,440 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 2: I'm sitting here on this couch, not perfect but free,

1073
00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:40,360
Speaker 2: is simply this. I have nothing to hide, and I

1074
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:47,800
Speaker 2: have someone to tell it to whose prayers, commitment, accountability,

1075
00:55:47,920 --> 00:55:52,160
Speaker 2: and support is only there in the confines of the

1076
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:53,759
Speaker 2: covenant of marriage.

1077
00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:55,120
Speaker 4: And now we.

1078
00:55:55,160 --> 00:56:00,359
Speaker 2: Have the covenant of marriage to heal one another right

1079
00:56:00,800 --> 00:56:11,080
Speaker 2: without the duplicity of that warfare from people strongholds, uh

1080
00:56:11,239 --> 00:56:15,880
Speaker 2: gener soul sizes of people that we never have the

1081
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:19,480
Speaker 2: covenant with to stay there. It is the reason why

1082
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,359
Speaker 2: it ain't working because you ain't got the covenant to stay,

1083
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:23,520
Speaker 2: not because they cheated.

1084
00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:28,399
Speaker 4: I'm trying to tell you right now. Our marriage is

1085
00:56:28,600 --> 00:56:30,200
Speaker 4: not perfect, but.

1086
00:56:30,239 --> 00:56:34,919
Speaker 2: It's free because there's no secrets.

1087
00:56:35,719 --> 00:56:38,440
Speaker 4: And like I still say things.

1088
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:42,239
Speaker 2: I still say, hey, can we not go sit on

1089
00:56:42,280 --> 00:56:45,759
Speaker 2: that side of the beach because that song bikini is real?

1090
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:49,279
Speaker 2: And I still say I ain't never had an ab

1091
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:51,319
Speaker 2: in my life, right.

1092
00:56:51,560 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 4: I know the girl wants some abs.

1093
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:58,480
Speaker 1: It would be nice, but you know I've given up

1094
00:56:58,520 --> 00:57:01,160
Speaker 1: on that. But I'm I'm good with my dad, but

1095
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:07,680
Speaker 1: with no annoying Yes, what's.

1096
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:09,640
Speaker 4: The use of you know?

1097
00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:13,600
Speaker 2: She she she got a big booty, right, but can't

1098
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:16,720
Speaker 2: pray you to breakthrough there? It is like, I'm not

1099
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:19,880
Speaker 2: This is not a preacher thing. This is the reality

1100
00:57:20,840 --> 00:57:25,280
Speaker 2: of chains being broken off of me because I yielded

1101
00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:30,880
Speaker 2: to that God created this person for me to show

1102
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:35,240
Speaker 2: everything I'm not so that God's love could become reality

1103
00:57:35,320 --> 00:57:35,560
Speaker 2: to me.

1104
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:39,280
Speaker 4: That that's why I got to go to wait, to

1105
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:40,560
Speaker 4: go to church to worship there.

1106
00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:43,120
Speaker 1: It is, it's right here, It's right here, and vice versa,

1107
00:57:43,840 --> 00:57:49,120
Speaker 1: and vice versa. You literally taught me value and worth

1108
00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 1: for myself because you said, I'm not We're not gonna

1109
00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:55,360
Speaker 1: have sex before marriages, just we just can't. And you've

1110
00:57:55,360 --> 00:57:57,840
Speaker 1: explained all your reasons why. I'll never forget. It was

1111
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:00,960
Speaker 1: our first date. He set that boundary, and I poked.

1112
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:02,800
Speaker 4: Him on the shoulder like this, I'm like, are you real?

1113
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,479
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh, my god, years old?

1114
00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:08,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was twenty twenty three years old and I'm

1115
00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,800
Speaker 1: twenty twenty one, and I'm like, are you real? Like,

1116
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: if you're valuing yourself that much, I should be valuing myself.

1117
00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:23,360
Speaker 1: I had never seen it, and you know, I need

1118
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 1: to value myself like that and not allow someone because

1119
00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:30,800
Speaker 1: trust me, sometimes it was me stopping us from.

1120
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:34,040
Speaker 4: Having sex before we got there. Yeah, it was because

1121
00:58:34,040 --> 00:58:35,560
Speaker 4: it trouble, That's why.

1122
00:58:36,720 --> 00:58:40,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, and now I got a batty what yeah, let

1123
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:41,360
Speaker 2: me see, let me see.

1124
00:58:41,400 --> 00:58:46,480
Speaker 4: I was like, wait, wait, wait, remember he was drying.

1125
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 4: He was like, what I loved is is that.

1126
00:58:51,960 --> 00:58:55,320
Speaker 2: When she came into you know, full discipleship and her

1127
00:58:55,400 --> 00:59:01,200
Speaker 2: Christianity journey, she took it so seriously because that was

1128
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:03,040
Speaker 2: her appetite outside of it.

1129
00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:07,560
Speaker 4: So now me saying this, she's now all in and

1130
00:59:07,600 --> 00:59:08,040
Speaker 4: I'm like.

1131
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:10,240
Speaker 2: Oh, you ain't that safe, Like, come on, we good

1132
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,240
Speaker 2: and she was like, no, no, no, the word of

1133
00:59:13,240 --> 00:59:14,480
Speaker 2: God says I really went in.

1134
00:59:16,280 --> 00:59:19,680
Speaker 4: I was like, why are you saving all the way?

1135
00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:21,160
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

1136
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:27,600
Speaker 2: But the gift that we were able to give one another.

1137
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 2: I didn't just give her a gift because she was

1138
00:59:31,880 --> 00:59:38,320
Speaker 2: my first. She gave me a gift because she redeemed

1139
00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:42,600
Speaker 2: what I thought was fantasy in reality. So now I

1140
00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:44,040
Speaker 2: don't have to play out of fantasy.

1141
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:45,440
Speaker 3: I was about to ask you that.

1142
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:47,959
Speaker 5: I was about to say, what did the unraveling look

1143
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:50,320
Speaker 5: like from going from fantasy to reality?

1144
00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:52,560
Speaker 3: And you just touched on it really? Yeah.

1145
00:59:54,280 --> 01:00:00,880
Speaker 2: Number one, keeping it a buck, Yeah, like the real

1146
01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:03,320
Speaker 2: thing is the right thing, you know what I'm saying.

1147
01:00:04,920 --> 01:00:09,600
Speaker 2: I had a whole lot of practice, you know, with handling,

1148
01:00:11,040 --> 01:00:15,480
Speaker 2: and I didn't realize that there's somebody better, right. I

1149
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:19,440
Speaker 2: think that's that's real. I think the second thing is

1150
01:00:19,440 --> 01:00:24,800
Speaker 2: is just the journey of exploration and the journey of

1151
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:29,840
Speaker 2: now you know, my body is not my own now

1152
01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:35,040
Speaker 2: and it took the decision let me say all this, Oh,

1153
01:00:35,280 --> 01:00:40,000
Speaker 2: the decision to stop is the easy part. The process

1154
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:44,040
Speaker 2: of commitment to what you decided is the hard part.

1155
01:00:44,480 --> 01:00:50,160
Speaker 2: Now this is crazy, and just because you given to

1156
01:00:50,320 --> 01:00:55,400
Speaker 2: a moment doesn't mean you're not healed. Teach this side

1157
01:00:55,440 --> 01:01:01,720
Speaker 2: of eternity. There's no perfection is it's a process. And

1158
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,919
Speaker 2: as they went, they were here, and as they went

1159
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:06,240
Speaker 2: when yeah, they were here, I'll say it like this,

1160
01:01:06,520 --> 01:01:10,640
Speaker 2: thank you. Twenty years ago I had back surgery, back surgery.

1161
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:13,120
Speaker 2: I was I could not walk. Had her needed this.

1162
01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:17,160
Speaker 2: I went had the surgery. Surgery was awful. The lady

1163
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,720
Speaker 2: I wake up from anesthesia and she says something that

1164
01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:26,880
Speaker 2: Nurse Betty. Nurse Betty said, the pain of recovery is

1165
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:30,240
Speaker 2: far worse than the pain of the injury. And Nurse

1166
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:33,480
Speaker 2: Betty in that hospital bit I just had surgery, said

1167
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,640
Speaker 2: you gotta get up and walk. And I was like,

1168
01:01:35,800 --> 01:01:38,680
Speaker 2: no way, no way, it hurts too bad. And she

1169
01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:42,400
Speaker 2: said those words, Sonny, I'll never forget it. You'll get

1170
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:43,200
Speaker 2: healed as you go.

1171
01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:46,439
Speaker 4: The race.

1172
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:51,680
Speaker 2: Don't stop or don't start when the gun goes off.

1173
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:55,200
Speaker 2: It starts when you decide to get up. And so

1174
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:57,360
Speaker 2: I've had to get up several times. I have not

1175
01:01:57,440 --> 01:02:03,400
Speaker 2: been perfect. I have watched pornography, you know, after I

1176
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:07,880
Speaker 2: made the declaration. I thank god now that I'm getting

1177
01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:12,400
Speaker 2: more distance away from being free from even but I

1178
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:13,760
Speaker 2: got a card catalog here.

1179
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:16,920
Speaker 4: I don't need to watch something that's stored in my mind.

1180
01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:20,280
Speaker 2: I have to be very careful to continue to allow

1181
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:23,480
Speaker 2: Irene to take those cards out and replace that with

1182
01:02:23,640 --> 01:02:24,480
Speaker 2: something that's healthy.

1183
01:02:24,600 --> 01:02:27,040
Speaker 4: How long has your sobriety been sobriety?

1184
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:28,960
Speaker 3: What you mean from pornography?

1185
01:02:29,040 --> 01:02:30,720
Speaker 4: You mean like never looking at it again?

1186
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:33,440
Speaker 2: So I would say it this way, how do I

1187
01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:38,040
Speaker 2: classify pornography? Am I going to sites and signing up

1188
01:02:38,040 --> 01:02:38,560
Speaker 2: for things?

1189
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:38,840
Speaker 4: No?

1190
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:46,240
Speaker 2: Am I scrolling sometimes too long and pinching.

1191
01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:45,600
Speaker 3: Like looking at social media?

1192
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:49,560
Speaker 4: Social media is soft porn, It really is. And here's

1193
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:53,840
Speaker 4: what I'll say, Like, I've struggled. I'm not perfect, but

1194
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:54,880
Speaker 4: I'm free.

1195
01:02:55,120 --> 01:02:57,160
Speaker 2: And that's gonna be hard for some pastors and some

1196
01:02:57,280 --> 01:03:02,040
Speaker 2: leaders and some apostles and preachers who who would judge

1197
01:03:02,040 --> 01:03:05,720
Speaker 2: that and say like, no, you need to know I

1198
01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:09,040
Speaker 2: am in the process of being healed. And I would

1199
01:03:09,080 --> 01:03:12,720
Speaker 2: love to say because here's the Also, I also struggle

1200
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:16,920
Speaker 2: with food addiction. Right, I was four hundred and twenty pounds,

1201
01:03:17,040 --> 01:03:18,680
Speaker 2: It was four hundred and twenty four How.

1202
01:03:18,560 --> 01:03:22,680
Speaker 4: Long going doing this, this whole thing. It was emotional weight.

1203
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:26,439
Speaker 4: Guess where it came from the church. Guess why?

1204
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:28,320
Speaker 2: I know because I did the work, the trauma work,

1205
01:03:29,080 --> 01:03:32,760
Speaker 2: and I went back and visited every single thing that

1206
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:36,680
Speaker 2: I completed that I did well. The reward was food

1207
01:03:38,120 --> 01:03:42,600
Speaker 2: in church, food after service, food preached a good message,

1208
01:03:42,760 --> 01:03:45,320
Speaker 2: food starting a small group.

1209
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:49,920
Speaker 4: Food. In our culture, a.

1210
01:03:49,960 --> 01:03:54,720
Speaker 2: Dinner plate was a reward, celebration, right, And so what

1211
01:03:54,840 --> 01:03:57,320
Speaker 2: happened was is anytime I did good at anything, it

1212
01:03:57,440 --> 01:04:00,280
Speaker 2: was a reward. That reward turned into also when I

1213
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:02,960
Speaker 2: did bad, when I was lonely, when I was isolated.

1214
01:04:03,000 --> 01:04:05,120
Speaker 4: And I'm saying all of this again. What I have

1215
01:04:05,240 --> 01:04:05,520
Speaker 4: to say.

1216
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:07,960
Speaker 2: So if you were to ask me, am I sober

1217
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:11,760
Speaker 2: from food? I can't because I need it to live.

1218
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:17,240
Speaker 2: If you ask me, am I sober? If I'm sober

1219
01:04:17,280 --> 01:04:20,040
Speaker 2: from pornography? I don't have to visit a site?

1220
01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:20,920
Speaker 4: What is?

1221
01:04:21,320 --> 01:04:24,520
Speaker 2: There are thoughts in my head that I'm not sober from.

1222
01:04:24,840 --> 01:04:26,760
Speaker 4: There are women that are walking.

1223
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:28,720
Speaker 2: We did a whole podcast on just because we got

1224
01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:29,919
Speaker 2: married don't mean she got ugly.

1225
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:32,480
Speaker 4: Now I have to be that.

1226
01:04:32,720 --> 01:04:36,280
Speaker 2: I can say that person is attractive, but I'm not attracted,

1227
01:04:37,200 --> 01:04:41,760
Speaker 2: and I'm telling myself attractive is humanity. I noticed God's

1228
01:04:41,800 --> 01:04:45,040
Speaker 2: beautiful creation, and sometimes I notice it a little too long.

1229
01:04:45,840 --> 01:04:48,640
Speaker 4: Right, there's some beautiful people in the world. I noticed

1230
01:04:48,680 --> 01:04:49,440
Speaker 4: people looking at me.

1231
01:04:49,440 --> 01:04:52,920
Speaker 2: And I'm like, wow, I got a good line right now,

1232
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:57,200
Speaker 2: you know, and that that person will be attractive? Now

1233
01:04:57,960 --> 01:05:03,800
Speaker 2: is my dysfunction being attracted to their dysfunction or their

1234
01:05:04,280 --> 01:05:08,000
Speaker 2: good looks? To feel something in me that's not healed? Right,

1235
01:05:08,080 --> 01:05:11,320
Speaker 2: So I want I don't want to scapegoat this question. Yeah,

1236
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:14,640
Speaker 2: pornography will always be I told I mean last week,

1237
01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:18,800
Speaker 2: there will never be a day that my flesh doesn't

1238
01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:20,760
Speaker 2: like the body of a naked woman.

1239
01:05:20,560 --> 01:05:22,520
Speaker 4: The same thing she was saying about.

1240
01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:26,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it doesn't make me bad. I literally was

1241
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:29,480
Speaker 1: talking to my therapist about it this week because I'm

1242
01:05:29,520 --> 01:05:34,160
Speaker 1: like the label labeling myself an alcoholic, I feel shame, right,

1243
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:35,960
Speaker 1: condemnation a little bit, And.

1244
01:05:35,920 --> 01:05:38,400
Speaker 4: I got something sad in that because Okay, no, but no,

1245
01:05:38,440 --> 01:05:39,160
Speaker 4: I want you to finish.

1246
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:42,800
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, but like, but at the same time I

1247
01:05:42,880 --> 01:05:45,560
Speaker 1: know that I have If I'm not honest and say

1248
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:49,280
Speaker 1: that I still have a desire for alcohol, and then like,

1249
01:05:49,720 --> 01:05:53,720
Speaker 1: how can he help me? Overcome that, like he helps

1250
01:05:53,760 --> 01:05:56,360
Speaker 1: me by it. Sometimes if I'm emotionally not in a

1251
01:05:56,400 --> 01:05:58,439
Speaker 1: good place, we don't sit by the bar.

1252
01:05:59,160 --> 01:06:01,440
Speaker 4: I sit with my back. We just didn't the quification

1253
01:06:01,560 --> 01:06:02,160
Speaker 4: last week.

1254
01:06:02,080 --> 01:06:05,160
Speaker 1: Yep, And like I didn't need that for a while.

1255
01:06:05,240 --> 01:06:08,200
Speaker 1: But I've been dealing with some things this summer that

1256
01:06:08,520 --> 01:06:12,520
Speaker 1: brought it back up again, and it's making me realize that,

1257
01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:14,200
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I still have this desire to drink.

1258
01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:15,160
Speaker 1: It doesn't make me bad.

1259
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:16,960
Speaker 3: Yes, that's good what we're about to say, jam.

1260
01:06:17,080 --> 01:06:19,880
Speaker 2: So I need to say this because when you asked

1261
01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:23,320
Speaker 2: me the question, I paused in my brain for a second.

1262
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:25,800
Speaker 2: And I didn't pause because I don't want to be honest.

1263
01:06:26,280 --> 01:06:30,760
Speaker 2: I paused because I went through the cycle of what

1264
01:06:30,800 --> 01:06:31,840
Speaker 2: are people going to say?

1265
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:33,120
Speaker 3: Right?

1266
01:06:33,560 --> 01:06:36,880
Speaker 2: And I want to come at that and address that. So,

1267
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:41,600
Speaker 2: just like those people on here who were listening, who

1268
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:45,480
Speaker 2: like you've you've ingested everything we're saying. You may be

1269
01:06:45,520 --> 01:06:49,200
Speaker 2: a pastor teacher, preacher, whatever you are, please be careful

1270
01:06:49,240 --> 01:06:52,720
Speaker 2: of this thought. Don't judge people because they sin differently

1271
01:06:52,760 --> 01:06:53,040
Speaker 2: than you.

1272
01:06:53,200 --> 01:06:55,680
Speaker 3: There it is, and.

1273
01:06:57,040 --> 01:06:59,760
Speaker 2: If I am being honest to help people and the

1274
01:06:59,840 --> 01:07:03,520
Speaker 2: help myself, that there are situations that I just can't

1275
01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:03,880
Speaker 2: be in.

1276
01:07:04,280 --> 01:07:07,080
Speaker 4: There are places that I just can't go. Why because

1277
01:07:07,080 --> 01:07:08,320
Speaker 4: I don't want to wake up the beast?

1278
01:07:09,200 --> 01:07:14,400
Speaker 2: Right, Please don't be dealing with diabetes and being overweight

1279
01:07:16,040 --> 01:07:18,880
Speaker 2: and be so self righteous that you come after people

1280
01:07:19,320 --> 01:07:26,280
Speaker 2: with alcohol and pornography and unforgiveness. It's crazy to me

1281
01:07:27,120 --> 01:07:29,440
Speaker 2: the church that I grew up in that there are

1282
01:07:29,480 --> 01:07:31,640
Speaker 2: people who speak in tongues but can't say I'm sorry.

1283
01:07:33,880 --> 01:07:38,640
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna keep it a buck. Always check on me.

1284
01:07:39,800 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 2: She has every password that had.

1285
01:07:42,680 --> 01:07:46,080
Speaker 4: I had to make a guardrail for a long time.

1286
01:07:47,240 --> 01:07:50,720
Speaker 2: You know, when you're driving, there's a guardrail, but there

1287
01:07:50,800 --> 01:07:55,120
Speaker 2: is a line before the guardrail. I don't want a guardrail.

1288
01:07:55,760 --> 01:08:00,360
Speaker 2: I want a line in the road that goes says

1289
01:08:00,560 --> 01:08:01,400
Speaker 2: danger is coming.

1290
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:01,919
Speaker 3: That's good.

1291
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:04,439
Speaker 2: And I try to keep myself away from that. And

1292
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:08,600
Speaker 2: I'm honest enough to tell my wife, Hey, babe, I'm struggling.

1293
01:08:08,760 --> 01:08:09,280
Speaker 3: That's good.

1294
01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,440
Speaker 1: So can I say something that will help people? I

1295
01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:16,800
Speaker 1: think this is just real quick. So abstinence does not

1296
01:08:16,920 --> 01:08:24,320
Speaker 1: mean sobriety woo. Abstinence just means you stopped using that

1297
01:08:24,439 --> 01:08:26,719
Speaker 1: relationship to get you high.

1298
01:08:27,560 --> 01:08:28,880
Speaker 4: Ah, you're so smart.

1299
01:08:29,120 --> 01:08:33,439
Speaker 1: Yes women, yes men, You could be addicted to love

1300
01:08:34,640 --> 01:08:36,920
Speaker 1: the high you get when you get into that new

1301
01:08:36,960 --> 01:08:39,599
Speaker 1: relationship and you keep chasing it, but you keep trackting

1302
01:08:39,600 --> 01:08:40,320
Speaker 1: the same person.

1303
01:08:40,479 --> 01:08:43,240
Speaker 4: So it's dysfunctional and in a minute things.

1304
01:08:42,960 --> 01:08:45,160
Speaker 1: Get hard, you're out, and that's why you're on your

1305
01:08:45,200 --> 01:08:49,519
Speaker 1: sixth marriage. Hey, no judgment here, but just stopping a

1306
01:08:49,600 --> 01:08:58,640
Speaker 1: behavior is the beginning of your sobriety journey. Who decides

1307
01:08:59,040 --> 01:09:02,799
Speaker 1: it's the beginning of her recovery means to a return

1308
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:07,280
Speaker 1: to a natural state of health in mind, soul, and

1309
01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:12,880
Speaker 1: strength to regain or take back what has been stolen.

1310
01:09:12,560 --> 01:09:15,160
Speaker 4: Or lost, to recover it, to recover.

1311
01:09:15,680 --> 01:09:20,040
Speaker 1: So we are all in recovery is it begins when

1312
01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:26,440
Speaker 1: we stop using. But the sobriety journey is so individual.

1313
01:09:27,560 --> 01:09:32,040
Speaker 1: I get a angry if somebody tries to tell me

1314
01:09:33,280 --> 01:09:36,040
Speaker 1: if I broke my sobriety or not or whatever.

1315
01:09:36,120 --> 01:09:38,439
Speaker 4: No, I know, trust me.

1316
01:09:39,040 --> 01:09:42,439
Speaker 1: I know if I alcohol touches these lips, I have

1317
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:47,920
Speaker 1: definitely broken my sobriety in the sense that if I

1318
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:50,600
Speaker 1: went to take a drink and I understood what I

1319
01:09:50,640 --> 01:09:53,080
Speaker 1: was doing and I drank one time, I feel like

1320
01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:56,519
Speaker 1: I need a cutbear. I ordered a Tapa Chico and

1321
01:09:56,560 --> 01:09:59,439
Speaker 1: it had liquor at the bottom. And here's the thing.

1322
01:09:59,479 --> 01:10:02,519
Speaker 1: I said, there, like you're in there. I always double

1323
01:10:02,560 --> 01:10:05,800
Speaker 1: and triple check my drinks because nobody is messing with

1324
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:09,080
Speaker 1: my sobriety, right, It's super important to me. I asked

1325
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,400
Speaker 1: this chick too. I said, I have an allergy to alcohol.

1326
01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:15,960
Speaker 1: You cannot like because everybody else had. They were drinking

1327
01:10:16,080 --> 01:10:18,000
Speaker 1: and the glasses look the same. I'm like, it's a

1328
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:18,679
Speaker 1: top of Chico.

1329
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:19,439
Speaker 4: What is that?

1330
01:10:19,520 --> 01:10:22,120
Speaker 1: I asked for lime? She said, it's lime juice. I

1331
01:10:22,240 --> 01:10:24,200
Speaker 1: took a sip and I spit it out. There was

1332
01:10:24,240 --> 01:10:27,960
Speaker 1: alcohol in it. Did I break my sobriety? No, she called,

1333
01:10:28,439 --> 01:10:30,120
Speaker 1: But I called. First of all, I was so upset.

1334
01:10:30,160 --> 01:10:32,880
Speaker 1: I was crying like and I said, I reamed the

1335
01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:35,120
Speaker 1: lady out in a like a nice way. I'm a

1336
01:10:35,160 --> 01:10:38,800
Speaker 1: nice person, I'm peacemaker. Yes, I said, I need you

1337
01:10:38,840 --> 01:10:43,479
Speaker 1: to understand the severity of this. So if I had

1338
01:10:43,479 --> 01:10:46,280
Speaker 1: a shrimp allergy, you literally just gave me a shrimp

1339
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:48,040
Speaker 1: and I'm calling nine to one one and going to

1340
01:10:48,040 --> 01:10:51,880
Speaker 1: the hospital. I said, if I drink alcohol, it makes

1341
01:10:51,920 --> 01:10:54,360
Speaker 1: me crazy and I can't stop at one.

1342
01:10:54,520 --> 01:10:54,960
Speaker 3: That's good.

1343
01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:57,639
Speaker 2: So, and then I called later because I was out

1344
01:10:57,680 --> 01:11:01,200
Speaker 2: of town. He called tragiesus.

1345
01:11:02,000 --> 01:11:04,120
Speaker 3: Don't try me because.

1346
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:09,479
Speaker 2: And she wouldn't want to tell me the place because

1347
01:11:09,479 --> 01:11:10,520
Speaker 2: she knew.

1348
01:11:10,800 --> 01:11:11,599
Speaker 3: You know, you're crazy.

1349
01:11:11,920 --> 01:11:13,960
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, but you still have been.

1350
01:11:13,920 --> 01:11:14,839
Speaker 3: Delivered from your craziness.

1351
01:11:14,880 --> 01:11:15,320
Speaker 4: I'm trying.

1352
01:11:15,560 --> 01:11:16,040
Speaker 3: I'm trying.

1353
01:11:16,040 --> 01:11:18,160
Speaker 4: It's a little bit. I think.

1354
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:23,600
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for what you do, because how do

1355
01:11:23,720 --> 01:11:27,240
Speaker 2: we get this message out with people that don't do church?

1356
01:11:27,479 --> 01:11:31,320
Speaker 3: That's it, This is it, bro, That's what God told

1357
01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:31,720
Speaker 3: me to do.

1358
01:11:31,760 --> 01:11:33,920
Speaker 5: When I started the podcast, I wanted to be what

1359
01:11:34,000 --> 01:11:36,639
Speaker 5: I wish was afforded to me. So it's like I

1360
01:11:36,680 --> 01:11:39,920
Speaker 5: was struggling in marriage. I was struggling in my Christian walk,

1361
01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:42,040
Speaker 5: and I said, why don't we ever talk about this?

1362
01:11:42,080 --> 01:11:45,160
Speaker 5: I can't but celebrate recovery is what birtha. When I

1363
01:11:45,160 --> 01:11:47,360
Speaker 5: was in Celebrate recovery, I was afraid to go there.

1364
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:48,920
Speaker 5: I was like, these people are gonna know my business.

1365
01:11:48,920 --> 01:11:50,880
Speaker 5: I don't know these people. I'm not finna do this.

1366
01:11:51,240 --> 01:11:53,960
Speaker 5: I went to Covenant Church in Carrollton's the multicultural church,

1367
01:11:54,160 --> 01:11:55,519
Speaker 5: and I was like, I'm not going to be telling

1368
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:58,599
Speaker 5: these folks all my business. And God said I need

1369
01:11:58,640 --> 01:12:01,960
Speaker 5: you to get free. And I was like Okay, well

1370
01:12:01,920 --> 01:12:04,360
Speaker 5: I'm gonna go ahead and go there. And I said,

1371
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,120
Speaker 5: in that thing, and I was listening to people, and

1372
01:12:06,160 --> 01:12:08,360
Speaker 5: I was like, there is no way on God's green

1373
01:12:08,439 --> 01:12:10,559
Speaker 5: earth we should be telling each other all our business

1374
01:12:10,680 --> 01:12:13,240
Speaker 5: like that. And God just started having me open up.

1375
01:12:13,280 --> 01:12:15,519
Speaker 5: And the more I started opening up and sharing stuff,

1376
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,200
Speaker 5: I said, oh, we all got issues, the difference between

1377
01:12:18,200 --> 01:12:20,400
Speaker 5: me and everybody else. And then I started listening to

1378
01:12:20,400 --> 01:12:21,800
Speaker 5: other people. I was like, man, as.

1379
01:12:21,760 --> 01:12:22,280
Speaker 4: Bad as all.

1380
01:12:23,040 --> 01:12:25,040
Speaker 5: I'm like, what you're doing this? And I'm doing that?

1381
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:29,519
Speaker 5: And it started normalizing seeing to say, listen, we all

1382
01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,719
Speaker 5: have fallen short of the glory of God. So let's

1383
01:12:31,760 --> 01:12:34,080
Speaker 5: talk about it. We can't get free unless we talk

1384
01:12:34,080 --> 01:12:37,439
Speaker 5: about The Bible clearly says confess your false one to

1385
01:12:37,479 --> 01:12:40,400
Speaker 5: another so that you may be healed. So the reason

1386
01:12:40,400 --> 01:12:43,120
Speaker 5: why a lot of us are walking around with di ease,

1387
01:12:43,360 --> 01:12:45,439
Speaker 5: this ease in our body, is because a lot of

1388
01:12:45,520 --> 01:12:47,120
Speaker 5: us just not confessing some of the stuff that we're

1389
01:12:47,120 --> 01:12:50,000
Speaker 5: dealing with. The God allowed you to walk in freedom.

1390
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,679
Speaker 5: The thing that you keep echoing so many times, Jimy,

1391
01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:55,600
Speaker 5: and this conversation is that are we free?

1392
01:12:55,720 --> 01:12:57,439
Speaker 3: We may deal with this, but we free. We deal

1393
01:12:57,520 --> 01:13:00,360
Speaker 3: with it. But we free. That is such a powerful thing.

1394
01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:03,280
Speaker 5: It's the most powerful word that we could ever use,

1395
01:13:03,360 --> 01:13:06,280
Speaker 5: because that's exactly what Jesus came to do, is set

1396
01:13:06,320 --> 01:13:11,680
Speaker 5: the captors free. And so y'all are in marriage, holy matrimony,

1397
01:13:11,760 --> 01:13:14,840
Speaker 5: in covenant, free, dealing with whatever y'all deal with in

1398
01:13:14,920 --> 01:13:18,639
Speaker 5: y'all's relationship, the struggles, the arguments, the fallouts, the fuss into.

1399
01:13:18,479 --> 01:13:20,720
Speaker 4: All that which all marriages deal with.

1400
01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:22,920
Speaker 5: That. But y'all say, hey, but we free. We ain't

1401
01:13:22,920 --> 01:13:25,280
Speaker 5: hold nothing, we ain't hide nothing from each other. And

1402
01:13:25,439 --> 01:13:29,479
Speaker 5: I'm telling you that is so powerful. I'll share this.

1403
01:13:29,680 --> 01:13:34,000
Speaker 5: A couple of weeks ago, probably about almost a month now,

1404
01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:38,920
Speaker 5: I gave my fiance I'll share this. When I got home,

1405
01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:41,080
Speaker 5: she was like, I was working in my office and

1406
01:13:41,120 --> 01:13:42,960
Speaker 5: I got home. She said, text me when you get home,

1407
01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:45,360
Speaker 5: and I said I And then I got home and

1408
01:13:45,400 --> 01:13:47,360
Speaker 5: didn't text. It was probably about one o'clock in the morning.

1409
01:13:47,560 --> 01:13:49,160
Speaker 5: And then she called me next morning said you didn't

1410
01:13:49,160 --> 01:13:51,559
Speaker 5: text me. And then I said, listen, I'm so used

1411
01:13:51,600 --> 01:13:53,320
Speaker 5: to being single. I ain't used to be texting nobody

1412
01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:54,880
Speaker 5: when I get I just I'm just not used to that.

1413
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:56,760
Speaker 5: I said, what I'm gonna do is something I ain't

1414
01:13:56,760 --> 01:13:58,880
Speaker 5: never deal with nobody. I'm gonna give you access. I'm

1415
01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:01,240
Speaker 5: gonna share my location, you know. And she has a

1416
01:14:01,360 --> 01:14:03,719
Speaker 5: she has an iPhone and I had an Android. I said,

1417
01:14:03,720 --> 01:14:06,040
Speaker 5: I am going to share. I said, let me see

1418
01:14:06,040 --> 01:14:08,559
Speaker 5: if Google Maps have that have that thing. So I

1419
01:14:08,560 --> 01:14:10,320
Speaker 5: went and found said, ooh, I can share my location.

1420
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:11,920
Speaker 5: And I sent it to her. And when I sent

1421
01:14:11,960 --> 01:14:14,120
Speaker 5: the to I said, you don't understand what that made

1422
01:14:14,120 --> 01:14:14,559
Speaker 5: me feel like.

1423
01:14:14,640 --> 01:14:17,240
Speaker 4: She said, well, I said, I feel so free. I said,

1424
01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:17,559
Speaker 4: I'm not.

1425
01:14:17,840 --> 01:14:20,479
Speaker 5: I'm not holding nothing from you. I'll giving you full

1426
01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:21,920
Speaker 5: access to my whereabouts.

1427
01:14:22,240 --> 01:14:22,720
Speaker 4: You have.

1428
01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:26,080
Speaker 5: You have everything, You have access to my when you

1429
01:14:26,120 --> 01:14:27,040
Speaker 5: come here, you.

1430
01:14:26,960 --> 01:14:27,439
Speaker 3: Can see it.

1431
01:14:27,600 --> 01:14:29,160
Speaker 5: You got the app on the phone, you see who

1432
01:14:29,160 --> 01:14:31,160
Speaker 5: come in and out of my house. You got everything.

1433
01:14:31,400 --> 01:14:33,120
Speaker 5: And I sat there on the phone and I said,

1434
01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:36,160
Speaker 5: I'm gonna share this with you. I've never been this

1435
01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:38,760
Speaker 5: free in my life. I said, I've never walked in

1436
01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:41,160
Speaker 5: this level of transparency. I've never walked in this level

1437
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:44,240
Speaker 5: of vulnerability. I've never walked in in a relationship where

1438
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:47,360
Speaker 5: I've given total surrender of access in my life ever.

1439
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:48,479
Speaker 3: And I said, it feels good.

1440
01:14:48,840 --> 01:14:50,640
Speaker 5: I told her One day, I was going to CVS

1441
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:54,880
Speaker 5: and she was here visiting, and I drove the CVS. Normally,

1442
01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:56,439
Speaker 5: when I go somewhere said I'm a ride with you

1443
01:14:56,520 --> 01:14:58,599
Speaker 5: and this, and in this day she was like, uh,

1444
01:14:58,760 --> 01:15:00,639
Speaker 5: you just go ahead and go. I went to CVS,

1445
01:15:00,640 --> 01:15:02,960
Speaker 5: go get us some stuff, and I called her when

1446
01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:03,479
Speaker 5: I got back.

1447
01:15:03,479 --> 01:15:04,479
Speaker 3: I said, you know what felt good?

1448
01:15:04,479 --> 01:15:07,400
Speaker 5: She said what I said, Normally in the past, I'll

1449
01:15:07,439 --> 01:15:09,439
Speaker 5: done call some chick on the way going to CVS.

1450
01:15:09,479 --> 01:15:11,160
Speaker 5: I would have talked to some woman or whatever. I said,

1451
01:15:11,160 --> 01:15:13,080
Speaker 5: don't talk to nobody. You know what I'm saying, I said,

1452
01:15:13,080 --> 01:15:15,920
Speaker 5: I talk to nobody. I said, I have no need, Yes,

1453
01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:18,320
Speaker 5: I have no need to go outside of you to

1454
01:15:18,360 --> 01:15:20,880
Speaker 5: get any needs met. And I said, and the truth

1455
01:15:20,960 --> 01:15:24,080
Speaker 5: is even sharing that made me a little scared, because

1456
01:15:24,080 --> 01:15:26,759
Speaker 5: I said, if I tell her that I'm not aware

1457
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:29,720
Speaker 5: that I would do this, if it's weaponized against me, well,

1458
01:15:29,720 --> 01:15:31,920
Speaker 5: how can you even think about calling another one? I

1459
01:15:31,920 --> 01:15:33,639
Speaker 5: don't even trust you to go CVS. It's like you're

1460
01:15:33,640 --> 01:15:36,200
Speaker 5: missing the point. The point is I went to CVS

1461
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:38,080
Speaker 5: and I didn't do that, and I don't do anything.

1462
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:39,960
Speaker 5: But if you talk to the wrong woman, she'd be

1463
01:15:40,000 --> 01:15:42,320
Speaker 5: like the fact that you even thought about is a problem.

1464
01:15:42,360 --> 01:15:44,519
Speaker 5: And then what would that dude, Jimmy shut down like hey,

1465
01:15:44,560 --> 01:15:47,000
Speaker 5: telling you that no more? Yeah, And so I shared

1466
01:15:47,000 --> 01:15:48,720
Speaker 5: that whether she was like, you know what was so

1467
01:15:48,800 --> 01:15:49,479
Speaker 5: great about it?

1468
01:15:49,960 --> 01:15:51,360
Speaker 4: I had you go to.

1469
01:15:51,360 --> 01:15:53,439
Speaker 3: CVS just to see what you was gonna do.

1470
01:15:54,560 --> 01:15:56,800
Speaker 5: And she said, in the fact that you came back

1471
01:15:56,840 --> 01:15:59,760
Speaker 5: and said this, come on, what's so powerful to me?

1472
01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:01,479
Speaker 5: Because as I said, I'm not gonna ride with you,

1473
01:16:01,520 --> 01:16:03,000
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna see what you do, and said, you

1474
01:16:03,040 --> 01:16:06,200
Speaker 5: came back and actually started sharing what your propensally would

1475
01:16:06,200 --> 01:16:07,560
Speaker 5: have been in the past and you didn't do it,

1476
01:16:07,600 --> 01:16:08,559
Speaker 5: which was healing for her.

1477
01:16:08,920 --> 01:16:11,919
Speaker 3: So it's just when you walk in that level of freedom,

1478
01:16:12,040 --> 01:16:12,960
Speaker 3: Thank you Holy Spirit.

1479
01:16:13,000 --> 01:16:15,679
Speaker 5: When you walk in that level of freedom, not only

1480
01:16:15,720 --> 01:16:18,599
Speaker 5: are you walking in freedom for yourself, but I remember

1481
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:22,080
Speaker 5: going through this program at my old church where they

1482
01:16:22,360 --> 01:16:25,160
Speaker 5: the mantra was with this men's ministry was free men,

1483
01:16:25,479 --> 01:16:29,400
Speaker 5: Free Men, And I said, I'm literally walking through this

1484
01:16:29,520 --> 01:16:32,920
Speaker 5: freedom and I'm freeing her from certain ideologies that she

1485
01:16:33,040 --> 01:16:36,519
Speaker 5: may have that may be watching. Can I really trust him?

1486
01:16:36,520 --> 01:16:38,519
Speaker 5: I'm gonna take vows with this man. He had a

1487
01:16:38,520 --> 01:16:40,960
Speaker 5: propensity in the past to step outside of his marriage

1488
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:43,720
Speaker 5: is it's a good gamble, and God is doing the

1489
01:16:44,240 --> 01:16:48,400
Speaker 5: work ahead of time, creating vulnerability and transparency to heal

1490
01:16:48,479 --> 01:16:51,080
Speaker 5: what not even became a monument in our relationship.

1491
01:16:51,360 --> 01:16:52,280
Speaker 4: So it's just beautiful.

1492
01:16:52,280 --> 01:16:54,880
Speaker 5: So that's why I'm loving all of this that we're

1493
01:16:54,920 --> 01:17:00,759
Speaker 5: having right now. You wrote this book Shame.

1494
01:17:02,120 --> 01:17:03,519
Speaker 3: What made you birth this?

1495
01:17:04,200 --> 01:17:04,360
Speaker 5: Well?

1496
01:17:04,400 --> 01:17:09,160
Speaker 1: First of all, I wanted to bring the knowledge to

1497
01:17:09,200 --> 01:17:12,639
Speaker 1: people because, like you said, we aren't talking enough about addiction.

1498
01:17:12,760 --> 01:17:13,640
Speaker 4: And I didn't know.

1499
01:17:13,840 --> 01:17:17,599
Speaker 1: As much as I was heal saved by the Lord

1500
01:17:18,400 --> 01:17:22,240
Speaker 1: in church serving God and his purposes, I knew nothing

1501
01:17:22,280 --> 01:17:25,439
Speaker 1: about addiction and I fell into it and I didn't

1502
01:17:25,479 --> 01:17:28,240
Speaker 1: see it coming because I was I had lack of

1503
01:17:28,360 --> 01:17:32,120
Speaker 1: education and awareness. So I wanted to give people the

1504
01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:37,519
Speaker 1: gift of basically the gist of my journey from early

1505
01:17:37,600 --> 01:17:41,680
Speaker 1: exposure to rock bottom ending up in rehab. But then

1506
01:17:41,760 --> 01:17:44,880
Speaker 1: the gift of all the things I've learned that were

1507
01:17:44,960 --> 01:17:50,360
Speaker 1: dysfunctional became like my rock bottom became the foundation of

1508
01:17:50,400 --> 01:17:53,880
Speaker 1: this healthy life that I get to live. And so

1509
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:56,800
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to die in shame. My

1510
01:17:57,240 --> 01:18:01,640
Speaker 1: medical file said toxic shame. I had shamed myself to

1511
01:18:01,800 --> 01:18:05,800
Speaker 1: oblivion I didn't need anybody helping me. I shamed myself

1512
01:18:06,240 --> 01:18:11,280
Speaker 1: verbal abuse in my own head, okay, and shame carried

1513
01:18:11,320 --> 01:18:13,920
Speaker 1: shame from my you know, even just being in my

1514
01:18:14,000 --> 01:18:16,000
Speaker 1: mother's womb. I thought when I got to rehab, they

1515
01:18:16,000 --> 01:18:18,320
Speaker 1: were going to start addressing I'm like, he's trying to

1516
01:18:18,360 --> 01:18:20,559
Speaker 1: make me stop drinking, and we're arguing all the time.

1517
01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:21,960
Speaker 4: They're like, no, no, no, no, where.

1518
01:18:22,280 --> 01:18:25,599
Speaker 1: What were the circumstances around your birth? What was happening

1519
01:18:25,680 --> 01:18:28,400
Speaker 1: when you were in your mother's That's.

1520
01:18:28,240 --> 01:18:29,360
Speaker 4: Where we start.

1521
01:18:29,800 --> 01:18:34,280
Speaker 1: So the reality of this journey, what we think were

1522
01:18:34,320 --> 01:18:39,160
Speaker 1: shameful about, Like, we can experience freedom if we are

1523
01:18:39,360 --> 01:18:42,120
Speaker 1: willing to do the work. You have found a good

1524
01:18:42,120 --> 01:18:45,400
Speaker 1: woman who is willing to do the work alongside you.

1525
01:18:45,479 --> 01:18:48,680
Speaker 1: That's the I tell my kids. There's someone out there

1526
01:18:48,680 --> 01:18:50,840
Speaker 1: for you who's willing to do the work. That's all

1527
01:18:50,840 --> 01:18:53,519
Speaker 1: we ask. They're not going to be perfect, but I

1528
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:57,920
Speaker 1: want to give just a broad overview of what I'm giving. Okay,

1529
01:18:57,960 --> 01:19:00,840
Speaker 1: I spent eighty thousand dollars on rehab. Y'all, you get

1530
01:19:00,840 --> 01:19:01,519
Speaker 1: it for free.

1531
01:19:02,479 --> 01:19:03,040
Speaker 4: Go in there.

1532
01:19:03,200 --> 01:19:05,920
Speaker 1: All the resources. It's not just the story of Irene.

1533
01:19:06,080 --> 01:19:10,400
Speaker 1: I'm educating. What does addiction. What are the signs to

1534
01:19:10,479 --> 01:19:13,680
Speaker 1: look for. I used to google am I addicted to alcohol?

1535
01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:18,400
Speaker 1: If you have to google it, you probably have a problem.

1536
01:19:18,680 --> 01:19:21,000
Speaker 1: But the root of all my dysfunction and why I

1537
01:19:21,120 --> 01:19:24,720
Speaker 1: writ was shame, and so it had me hiding and

1538
01:19:24,760 --> 01:19:27,240
Speaker 1: it was toxic and it almost took me out. So

1539
01:19:27,320 --> 01:19:29,919
Speaker 1: let's not focus on alcohol. That was just a symptom

1540
01:19:30,360 --> 01:19:34,599
Speaker 1: of the shame that was really destroying me on the inside.

1541
01:19:34,880 --> 01:19:39,719
Speaker 2: I think that's good when I read the book. Before

1542
01:19:39,760 --> 01:19:45,000
Speaker 2: the book, I read the person as we learned through

1543
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:47,840
Speaker 2: this that you can't break a stronghold with a strong effort,

1544
01:19:49,320 --> 01:19:52,759
Speaker 2: and a lot of people are trying to stop, trying

1545
01:19:52,880 --> 01:19:57,759
Speaker 2: to get better, trying to Paul gets his indication about

1546
01:19:57,800 --> 01:20:01,280
Speaker 2: in Second Corinthians when he's talking about strong and I'm

1547
01:20:01,280 --> 01:20:04,840
Speaker 2: going to paraphrase because he talks about the weapons of

1548
01:20:04,840 --> 01:20:07,560
Speaker 2: our warfare are not carnival might of pulling down the strongholds.

1549
01:20:08,160 --> 01:20:11,400
Speaker 2: A stronghold is a liar accusation that the enemy plants

1550
01:20:12,200 --> 01:20:15,360
Speaker 2: in the minds of God's children that are contrary to

1551
01:20:15,400 --> 01:20:18,760
Speaker 2: the word of God. And so what we learned in

1552
01:20:18,800 --> 01:20:22,200
Speaker 2: what Ireen learned in this book was before she was

1553
01:20:22,200 --> 01:20:25,000
Speaker 2: addicted to alcohol. She was addicted to a negative thought,

1554
01:20:26,120 --> 01:20:31,800
Speaker 2: and that thought was that a good God who says

1555
01:20:31,800 --> 01:20:35,479
Speaker 2: she's fearfully wonderfully made, would not allow her to experience abuse.

1556
01:20:36,520 --> 01:20:41,080
Speaker 2: So what she thought was is that she came off

1557
01:20:41,120 --> 01:20:44,160
Speaker 2: an assembly line. She was just one of a dozen,

1558
01:20:44,360 --> 01:20:47,479
Speaker 2: not one of a kind, not God's masterpiece, not fearfully

1559
01:20:47,520 --> 01:20:50,720
Speaker 2: and wonderfully made. Maybe God she skipped that process from

1560
01:20:50,760 --> 01:20:53,760
Speaker 2: being made. And she was addicted to a thought that

1561
01:20:53,840 --> 01:20:58,759
Speaker 2: I'm not enough. And when we she did the work

1562
01:20:59,160 --> 01:21:04,639
Speaker 2: of taking the thought captive, realizing that theology and therapy

1563
01:21:04,680 --> 01:21:08,080
Speaker 2: don't have to be at war with one another together right,

1564
01:21:08,640 --> 01:21:12,240
Speaker 2: realizing that maybe God doesn't have to part a red

1565
01:21:12,320 --> 01:21:15,439
Speaker 2: sea anymore because he the miracle is teaching men how

1566
01:21:15,479 --> 01:21:20,799
Speaker 2: to build bridges, and yes, he can heal in an instant,

1567
01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:26,479
Speaker 2: but he's also a fan of the process and the miracles.

1568
01:21:26,520 --> 01:21:31,160
Speaker 2: Sometimes is him equipping a therapist to have discernment that part,

1569
01:21:31,320 --> 01:21:34,719
Speaker 2: to help you through a process that part. In this book,

1570
01:21:35,160 --> 01:21:38,120
Speaker 2: we just show you that, and she just shows you

1571
01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:42,360
Speaker 2: even in all of our books, is that freedom happens.

1572
01:21:43,280 --> 01:21:47,320
Speaker 2: Let me say this way, deliverance most often happens by Donkey.

1573
01:21:48,240 --> 01:21:53,679
Speaker 2: And here's what I'll say, Father Abraham, the greatest act,

1574
01:21:53,880 --> 01:21:58,280
Speaker 2: and what why? God made him the benchmark of faithfulness

1575
01:21:58,439 --> 01:22:02,840
Speaker 2: as God told him the sacrifice son Isaac, it says

1576
01:22:03,160 --> 01:22:11,000
Speaker 2: he left immediately and saddled a donkey fast decisions, slow process,

1577
01:22:11,880 --> 01:22:17,360
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we're like by donkey, really healing

1578
01:22:17,400 --> 01:22:24,799
Speaker 2: by donkey, three miles an hour max speed by Donkey, yep, slow.

1579
01:22:25,280 --> 01:22:30,200
Speaker 2: The greatest act of sacrifice. God didn't give him a

1580
01:22:30,200 --> 01:22:34,880
Speaker 2: ferrari to get there. You know how much contemplation he

1581
01:22:34,960 --> 01:22:37,720
Speaker 2: must have said, am I gonna lay down? Because what

1582
01:22:37,760 --> 01:22:40,719
Speaker 2: we know is when he's taken Isaac up the mountain,

1583
01:22:41,880 --> 01:22:46,080
Speaker 2: Isaac says, I see the wood, I see the knife.

1584
01:22:46,520 --> 01:22:50,480
Speaker 2: Where's the sacrifice? What do you do when your sacrifice

1585
01:22:50,520 --> 01:22:53,840
Speaker 2: is talking to you on your way to lay it down? Teach,

1586
01:22:55,640 --> 01:22:59,519
Speaker 2: you've got to take the thought captive by figuring out

1587
01:22:59,840 --> 01:23:03,840
Speaker 2: how I get this crazy amygdala in the back of

1588
01:23:03,880 --> 01:23:07,160
Speaker 2: my brain flight fight or freeze, to create a new

1589
01:23:07,240 --> 01:23:10,479
Speaker 2: neural pathway to the frontal cortext where that's where my

1590
01:23:10,560 --> 01:23:14,439
Speaker 2: problem solving is and my discernment is and my scripture reading.

1591
01:23:14,520 --> 01:23:17,719
Speaker 4: And take those thoughts captive there it is and submit

1592
01:23:17,800 --> 01:23:18,439
Speaker 4: it to truth.

1593
01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:19,240
Speaker 3: So when we.

1594
01:23:19,120 --> 01:23:21,880
Speaker 2: Say things like, when we don't know what we are

1595
01:23:21,920 --> 01:23:25,479
Speaker 2: to pray, the Holy Spirit makes intercession for us. No,

1596
01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:31,479
Speaker 2: when we need to shut up negativity and allow the

1597
01:23:31,920 --> 01:23:35,800
Speaker 2: jacked up amygdala areas of my brain to let the

1598
01:23:35,800 --> 01:23:40,200
Speaker 2: Holy Spirit take over so that I can take those negativity,

1599
01:23:40,560 --> 01:23:44,479
Speaker 2: that those negative thoughts captive, and make it obedient. This

1600
01:23:44,560 --> 01:23:47,840
Speaker 2: is played out at the Wall of Jericho. Oh a

1601
01:23:47,880 --> 01:23:50,840
Speaker 2: shout's gonna bring a shout ain't gonna change nothing but

1602
01:23:50,960 --> 01:23:58,160
Speaker 2: the decibels. Read Chapters Joshua six, verse nine and eleven.

1603
01:23:58,680 --> 01:24:02,840
Speaker 2: It says he he told Joshua, do not shout, Do

1604
01:24:02,960 --> 01:24:06,840
Speaker 2: not say a word until until you hear the other

1605
01:24:06,840 --> 01:24:09,599
Speaker 2: priest blow the horns. How in the world does Joshua

1606
01:24:09,640 --> 01:24:12,840
Speaker 2: get six hundred thousand foot soldiers to be silent at

1607
01:24:12,880 --> 01:24:17,840
Speaker 2: their hardest moment? How do we circle a wall with

1608
01:24:18,040 --> 01:24:21,120
Speaker 2: six hundred thousand people and no one's allowed to talk to.

1609
01:24:21,080 --> 01:24:23,439
Speaker 4: Get the message at the same time, to be quiet,

1610
01:24:23,760 --> 01:24:24,720
Speaker 4: be quiet.

1611
01:24:24,439 --> 01:24:25,960
Speaker 5: Which is funny because that's what they would do at

1612
01:24:25,960 --> 01:24:28,320
Speaker 5: that whole Beyonce concert, and they made it a whole

1613
01:24:28,400 --> 01:24:31,120
Speaker 5: challenge wherever they went to everybody be quiet at one

1614
01:24:31,160 --> 01:24:34,519
Speaker 5: time and all that. But to know that that's what

1615
01:24:34,600 --> 01:24:37,160
Speaker 5: God man, You're gonna have me preaching.

1616
01:24:39,000 --> 01:24:44,320
Speaker 2: To take a thought captive is as simple as starving

1617
01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:49,320
Speaker 2: negativity awfulizing. It's always going to work out for everyone

1618
01:24:49,320 --> 01:24:52,800
Speaker 2: else and not me. My mama always did this. I'm

1619
01:24:52,840 --> 01:24:57,280
Speaker 2: never gonna get healed. You're circling a wall. No, you're

1620
01:24:57,439 --> 01:25:00,840
Speaker 2: cycling a wall that God told you to circle. You

1621
01:25:00,840 --> 01:25:05,360
Speaker 2: want to break the cycle fast negative thoughts, Let the

1622
01:25:05,360 --> 01:25:08,800
Speaker 2: Holy Spirit read God's word. No weapon formed against you

1623
01:25:08,840 --> 01:25:11,120
Speaker 2: was gonna prosper. I am telling you right now, I'm

1624
01:25:11,160 --> 01:25:15,120
Speaker 2: studying this right now. All up until that point, God

1625
01:25:15,160 --> 01:25:18,360
Speaker 2: had dealt with the weapon, but Israel had to deal

1626
01:25:18,400 --> 01:25:21,879
Speaker 2: with the wall. I feel like God's saying in this culture,

1627
01:25:22,200 --> 01:25:24,320
Speaker 2: I'm gonna take care of the weapon, but you're gonna

1628
01:25:24,320 --> 01:25:25,840
Speaker 2: have to go to counsel and take care of the wall.

1629
01:25:26,200 --> 01:25:26,719
Speaker 3: That part.

1630
01:25:27,600 --> 01:25:32,439
Speaker 2: The power of your shout will be strengthened by the

1631
01:25:32,479 --> 01:25:36,240
Speaker 2: silence of your circle. That's good and your steps by

1632
01:25:36,960 --> 01:25:43,120
Speaker 2: Donkey slow. Irene climb Mount Kilimanjaro in twenty twelve, which

1633
01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:46,640
Speaker 2: was the beginning of her sobriety, and she preaches a

1634
01:25:46,680 --> 01:25:49,880
Speaker 2: message called you Huru, which means that she summited the

1635
01:25:49,920 --> 01:25:53,920
Speaker 2: mountain freedom, and she did this at Women Evolve last year.

1636
01:25:54,400 --> 01:25:54,920
Speaker 4: Listen to this.

1637
01:25:57,040 --> 01:25:58,599
Speaker 2: She was trying to get up the mountain fast because

1638
01:25:58,600 --> 01:26:02,240
Speaker 2: she was in shape, and the guy kept saying.

1639
01:26:03,520 --> 01:26:05,960
Speaker 4: Which means slowly, slowly, slow down, like.

1640
01:26:05,920 --> 01:26:08,160
Speaker 1: You'll literally get sick if you go too fast with

1641
01:26:08,160 --> 01:26:11,200
Speaker 1: the altitude sickness free. Im kept slow and I kept

1642
01:26:11,200 --> 01:26:12,559
Speaker 1: trying to get I just want to get it over with.

1643
01:26:12,640 --> 01:26:14,280
Speaker 1: I wanted to get to the top. I thought it'd be,

1644
01:26:14,560 --> 01:26:17,519
Speaker 1: you know, just quicker, come on, just climb, and they

1645
01:26:17,520 --> 01:26:19,000
Speaker 1: put me at the back of the line. They're like, no,

1646
01:26:19,160 --> 01:26:21,960
Speaker 1: slow down, you're gonna get sick. And sure enough, people

1647
01:26:21,960 --> 01:26:24,000
Speaker 1: were vomiting. People were sick all along the way because

1648
01:26:24,000 --> 01:26:25,160
Speaker 1: they were going too fast.

1649
01:26:26,479 --> 01:26:27,679
Speaker 4: Slowly, slowly.

1650
01:26:27,760 --> 01:26:31,040
Speaker 1: I almost wore my sweatshirt that says on it today

1651
01:26:31,439 --> 01:26:34,240
Speaker 1: because yeah, and this.

1652
01:26:34,200 --> 01:26:36,439
Speaker 2: Is what we feel. You're listening to this, you're like,

1653
01:26:36,479 --> 01:26:40,479
Speaker 2: I want that. I want to heal it. Man, we

1654
01:26:40,520 --> 01:26:41,920
Speaker 2: can tell you've done the work.

1655
01:26:42,920 --> 01:26:44,439
Speaker 4: But then it's continued work.

1656
01:26:44,680 --> 01:26:47,839
Speaker 2: The work you're doing amazing. I can just hearing the language.

1657
01:26:48,080 --> 01:26:51,920
Speaker 2: You're like, man, I want that slowly, slowly. What we're

1658
01:26:51,960 --> 01:26:56,160
Speaker 2: saying is this, I don't think that there's no greater

1659
01:26:56,280 --> 01:27:03,400
Speaker 2: teacher than pain. But maybe there is someone else's and

1660
01:27:03,520 --> 01:27:05,960
Speaker 2: right now, learn from us.

1661
01:27:06,800 --> 01:27:09,400
Speaker 4: And that's the gift we're giving you in our books.

1662
01:27:09,920 --> 01:27:13,120
Speaker 5: Well, let's talk about you. Because Jimmy don't know how

1663
01:27:13,120 --> 01:27:15,320
Speaker 5: to do math. Math might might have been a struggle

1664
01:27:15,360 --> 01:27:17,759
Speaker 5: in class because he talked about two equals one.

1665
01:27:17,960 --> 01:27:19,320
Speaker 3: So it was this book about.

1666
01:27:19,400 --> 01:27:24,440
Speaker 2: So two equals one is helping couples pre marital engaged.

1667
01:27:25,280 --> 01:27:28,360
Speaker 2: We got couples, we got singles reading it that how

1668
01:27:28,360 --> 01:27:33,719
Speaker 2: do I figure out my marriage equation? And at the

1669
01:27:33,800 --> 01:27:38,799
Speaker 2: forefront of marriage was a command of mankind be fruitful,

1670
01:27:38,880 --> 01:27:43,040
Speaker 2: multiply subdue. So we have dominion that word fruitfulness is

1671
01:27:43,080 --> 01:27:47,640
Speaker 2: the This is an equation. Right, We're not multiplying fruitfulness,

1672
01:27:47,920 --> 01:27:49,120
Speaker 2: We're multiplying fractures.

1673
01:27:50,040 --> 01:27:52,040
Speaker 4: And this book is about how.

1674
01:27:51,920 --> 01:27:58,240
Speaker 2: Two completely crazy people can have a marriage that's completely committed,

1675
01:27:58,760 --> 01:28:04,519
Speaker 2: made one not numerically in the area of wholeness, and

1676
01:28:04,600 --> 01:28:11,200
Speaker 2: so made we unpack not just our story. This is

1677
01:28:11,240 --> 01:28:13,520
Speaker 2: how you should talk to one another when it's difficult.

1678
01:28:14,040 --> 01:28:17,040
Speaker 2: This is how you have a good fight. These are

1679
01:28:17,040 --> 01:28:20,040
Speaker 2: the eight core emotions that you need to learn how

1680
01:28:20,040 --> 01:28:23,280
Speaker 2: to circle through. This is a talking stick. No one

1681
01:28:23,360 --> 01:28:27,640
Speaker 2: talks until to not you said this earlier. How me

1682
01:28:27,680 --> 01:28:29,840
Speaker 2: and I real talk about this. How I get so

1683
01:28:30,120 --> 01:28:35,320
Speaker 2: many dudes that were coaching saying my wife just anything

1684
01:28:35,360 --> 01:28:39,200
Speaker 2: I share, it's about her. It's called emotional hijacking. And

1685
01:28:39,240 --> 01:28:41,120
Speaker 2: the reason that he shut down is not because he

1686
01:28:41,120 --> 01:28:45,080
Speaker 2: doesn't want to talk. You're not a safe place, and

1687
01:28:45,120 --> 01:28:49,799
Speaker 2: we're trying to give you the tools to say things like, hey, babe,

1688
01:28:49,920 --> 01:28:55,600
Speaker 2: I noticed yesterday when this happened that you seemed a

1689
01:28:55,600 --> 01:29:00,280
Speaker 2: little off. Can you tell me more about that. They

1690
01:29:00,280 --> 01:29:03,480
Speaker 2: don't know how to have these conversations versus being accusatory

1691
01:29:03,520 --> 01:29:05,640
Speaker 2: and just saying you were rude yesterday.

1692
01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:08,200
Speaker 4: And I got a buddy said, man, that's punk language.

1693
01:29:08,520 --> 01:29:09,000
Speaker 3: Exactly.

1694
01:29:09,280 --> 01:29:10,599
Speaker 2: I want you to finish because I want to say

1695
01:29:10,600 --> 01:29:14,040
Speaker 2: this finish okay, and like and then I'm saying this,

1696
01:29:14,160 --> 01:29:18,720
Speaker 2: I'm grown, I'm strong, Like I'm using this language and

1697
01:29:18,760 --> 01:29:22,080
Speaker 2: it's working, and I'm like, you know, I got a

1698
01:29:22,160 --> 01:29:26,960
Speaker 2: vulnerable request if you're in a bad mood, or can

1699
01:29:27,000 --> 01:29:29,000
Speaker 2: you just text me so I know what I'm coming into,

1700
01:29:29,640 --> 01:29:32,519
Speaker 2: so that I can come into I've been stressed, I've

1701
01:29:32,560 --> 01:29:35,720
Speaker 2: been traveling on the road. I have expectations so that

1702
01:29:35,800 --> 01:29:38,280
Speaker 2: I know what I'm walking into that's my vulnerable request.

1703
01:29:38,320 --> 01:29:39,120
Speaker 2: Can we agree on that?

1704
01:29:40,520 --> 01:29:42,600
Speaker 4: And you don't know that we teach this, Yeah, you

1705
01:29:42,720 --> 01:29:43,680
Speaker 4: only know what you know.

1706
01:29:44,720 --> 01:29:47,880
Speaker 1: That's why we're I like to encourage education. And I

1707
01:29:47,920 --> 01:29:51,439
Speaker 1: love your podcast because it's exposure to so many different things.

1708
01:29:51,840 --> 01:29:54,719
Speaker 1: And I'm an avid learner, so I love your podcast

1709
01:29:54,760 --> 01:29:57,840
Speaker 1: for so many different reasons, all the guests, and it's like,

1710
01:29:57,880 --> 01:30:01,080
Speaker 1: people are like, how did that happen? Miracle happened through

1711
01:30:01,120 --> 01:30:04,200
Speaker 1: the grace of God. But it wasn't a one and

1712
01:30:04,280 --> 01:30:07,720
Speaker 1: done counseling session. It is a repeated you become what

1713
01:30:07,760 --> 01:30:10,840
Speaker 1: you repeatedly do that part. So if if I want

1714
01:30:10,880 --> 01:30:14,599
Speaker 1: to transform this mind to be renewed and please the Lord,

1715
01:30:14,800 --> 01:30:17,760
Speaker 1: I have to use the same new thing over and

1716
01:30:17,800 --> 01:30:22,360
Speaker 1: over and over because I will always resort to my

1717
01:30:22,439 --> 01:30:24,880
Speaker 1: adaptive child, to my little the little girl that was

1718
01:30:24,920 --> 01:30:27,760
Speaker 1: hurt and wounded. I'm always gonna need jerk react to that.

1719
01:30:28,360 --> 01:30:32,680
Speaker 1: So the more I practice these skills that we and

1720
01:30:32,800 --> 01:30:35,080
Speaker 1: these tools that we give you in the book, you

1721
01:30:35,200 --> 01:30:38,160
Speaker 1: become you're literally not gonna want to even be around

1722
01:30:38,240 --> 01:30:41,960
Speaker 1: people that don't are doing the work and using the tools,

1723
01:30:41,960 --> 01:30:46,799
Speaker 1: because you're gonna start getting irritated by how unhealthy you become.

1724
01:30:46,840 --> 01:30:49,000
Speaker 1: So not that we're better than but you start to

1725
01:30:49,000 --> 01:30:52,360
Speaker 1: become more and more aware about unhealthy people. And they

1726
01:30:52,360 --> 01:30:55,360
Speaker 1: think it's normal to have a conversation that way, that

1727
01:30:55,439 --> 01:31:01,640
Speaker 1: it's accusatory or just emasculate to your spouse or your man,

1728
01:31:01,960 --> 01:31:05,800
Speaker 1: like dude, you can be strong but an assertive, but

1729
01:31:05,840 --> 01:31:08,479
Speaker 1: to communicate in a respectful way like right now.

1730
01:31:08,760 --> 01:31:11,280
Speaker 2: Like some people would struggle with that. You asked me

1731
01:31:11,360 --> 01:31:14,760
Speaker 2: a question and she's answering it right. They would they'd

1732
01:31:14,760 --> 01:31:16,800
Speaker 2: be like, I know that. I don't need to win,

1733
01:31:17,720 --> 01:31:21,080
Speaker 2: like this is. We didn't fight writing this book together,

1734
01:31:21,920 --> 01:31:25,800
Speaker 2: and we fight not about that because we want to

1735
01:31:26,000 --> 01:31:29,880
Speaker 2: give away so that people, if you're single, this is

1736
01:31:29,920 --> 01:31:30,800
Speaker 2: your litmus test.

1737
01:31:31,439 --> 01:31:34,000
Speaker 4: Should I marry this person if they don't read this.

1738
01:31:34,120 --> 01:31:35,120
Speaker 4: And so many.

1739
01:31:35,200 --> 01:31:37,519
Speaker 1: People contact us and say we're not getting married after

1740
01:31:37,560 --> 01:31:38,080
Speaker 1: they went through that.

1741
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,960
Speaker 4: They went through it because the person don't represent that.

1742
01:31:40,240 --> 01:31:42,759
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't think it's the it's the greatest

1743
01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:45,280
Speaker 2: thing of all time. I don't think it's you know,

1744
01:31:45,439 --> 01:31:49,720
Speaker 2: here's what I think. Too many of us want the

1745
01:31:49,760 --> 01:31:53,760
Speaker 2: alter call to change this. I'm asking the Altar Call

1746
01:31:54,240 --> 01:31:58,040
Speaker 2: to change my ability to stick to a process. The

1747
01:31:58,120 --> 01:32:03,200
Speaker 2: altar call is homecoming to get back on the field.

1748
01:32:04,280 --> 01:32:06,599
Speaker 2: It stop thinking a prayer at the altered church gonna

1749
01:32:06,600 --> 01:32:08,920
Speaker 2: fix you, ask for it to give you the power

1750
01:32:08,960 --> 01:32:10,360
Speaker 2: to go out and work out a process.

1751
01:32:10,520 --> 01:32:12,120
Speaker 5: Let me ask this question for where I'll let you

1752
01:32:12,160 --> 01:32:14,639
Speaker 5: go because a lot of times, you know, we got

1753
01:32:14,640 --> 01:32:18,280
Speaker 5: people that would look at deliverance a certain way and say,

1754
01:32:18,800 --> 01:32:23,880
Speaker 5: how is it that God hasn't delivered you? Because they

1755
01:32:23,920 --> 01:32:25,800
Speaker 5: may look at deliverance a certain way. So I want

1756
01:32:25,800 --> 01:32:28,280
Speaker 5: to give words to y'all. But when you hear if

1757
01:32:28,320 --> 01:32:31,200
Speaker 5: someone leads a comment and say, well, I used to

1758
01:32:31,200 --> 01:32:32,880
Speaker 5: smoke cigarettes and God delivered me.

1759
01:32:32,960 --> 01:32:34,960
Speaker 4: He took the taste out of my mouth. I'm not

1760
01:32:35,080 --> 01:32:35,720
Speaker 4: tempted by it.

1761
01:32:35,720 --> 01:32:38,040
Speaker 5: I can hang around my uncles who smoked cigarettes, and

1762
01:32:38,080 --> 01:32:39,559
Speaker 5: then I don't even have a taste for it.

1763
01:32:39,600 --> 01:32:39,880
Speaker 3: No more.

1764
01:32:39,920 --> 01:32:41,840
Speaker 5: God took the taste out of my mouth for it.

1765
01:32:41,920 --> 01:32:44,080
Speaker 5: I've been truly delivered. And that's not what I'm hearing

1766
01:32:44,120 --> 01:32:48,080
Speaker 5: from y'all. How do y'all reconcile that language.

1767
01:32:48,439 --> 01:32:54,160
Speaker 1: I'm very happy for that person, Like I wish spontaneous

1768
01:32:54,200 --> 01:32:58,519
Speaker 1: variety was part of my journey, but it wasn't. So

1769
01:32:59,439 --> 01:33:02,560
Speaker 1: God blow you, and I'm so glad it is possible,

1770
01:33:02,600 --> 01:33:06,440
Speaker 1: and I'm praying that people who listen to this podcast

1771
01:33:07,320 --> 01:33:09,960
Speaker 1: realize that, oh my gosh, something is out of moderation

1772
01:33:10,080 --> 01:33:14,320
Speaker 1: my life. In fact, I'm realizing I'm losing power over

1773
01:33:14,439 --> 01:33:17,120
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't have power over this thing that

1774
01:33:17,160 --> 01:33:20,400
Speaker 1: I thought I was okay with it. It's actually causing

1775
01:33:20,479 --> 01:33:23,920
Speaker 1: my life to become unmanageable. The consequences are increasing, and

1776
01:33:24,000 --> 01:33:27,040
Speaker 1: as I'm listening to this podcast, I'm starting to feel

1777
01:33:27,080 --> 01:33:31,879
Speaker 1: like I need to stop consuming that thing or watching

1778
01:33:31,920 --> 01:33:35,720
Speaker 1: that thing or whatever, because I'm headed towards being addicted

1779
01:33:35,720 --> 01:33:38,840
Speaker 1: in my brain, being hijacked where I can't stop without help.

1780
01:33:39,560 --> 01:33:42,479
Speaker 1: Maybe you've gotten a DUI or two or three and

1781
01:33:42,520 --> 01:33:45,519
Speaker 1: you think you're okay moderating your alcohol, but really you're

1782
01:33:45,560 --> 01:33:51,280
Speaker 1: struggling with the consequences. Still, it is possible, and I

1783
01:33:51,280 --> 01:33:55,960
Speaker 1: believe people are going to get spontaneously sober from this

1784
01:33:56,320 --> 01:33:58,799
Speaker 1: podcast by the power of Jesus Christ.

1785
01:33:59,479 --> 01:34:02,040
Speaker 4: Period the Holy Spirit will go.

1786
01:34:02,439 --> 01:34:06,240
Speaker 1: It happens, but it doesn't mean there isn't a process

1787
01:34:06,280 --> 01:34:06,920
Speaker 1: for us all.

1788
01:34:07,120 --> 01:34:12,920
Speaker 2: And God didn't fail that part because it was by Donkey. Yeah,

1789
01:34:13,760 --> 01:34:17,599
Speaker 2: and I in my life I told you. Twenty seventeen,

1790
01:34:17,640 --> 01:34:20,000
Speaker 2: I was four hundred and twenty pounds. I prayed to

1791
01:34:20,040 --> 01:34:22,960
Speaker 2: wake up thirty pounds less. I prayed to wake up

1792
01:34:22,960 --> 01:34:29,439
Speaker 2: one hundred pounds less. I acknowledge that God does instantaneoum miracles,

1793
01:34:29,720 --> 01:34:32,840
Speaker 2: but a lot of times I think that we want

1794
01:34:32,960 --> 01:34:37,640
Speaker 2: deliverance and it robs us the opportunity to learn discipline

1795
01:34:38,200 --> 01:34:39,559
Speaker 2: that part, and.

1796
01:34:39,680 --> 01:34:46,280
Speaker 4: So I don't need help right here. This is the

1797
01:34:46,360 --> 01:34:49,120
Speaker 4: process for me that.

1798
01:34:50,880 --> 01:34:55,640
Speaker 2: I can't be have sobriety and food, but the discipline,

1799
01:34:55,800 --> 01:34:58,680
Speaker 2: the stop when i'm full, the discipline to go to

1800
01:34:58,720 --> 01:35:00,439
Speaker 2: the gym, scipline.

1801
01:35:00,439 --> 01:35:03,520
Speaker 4: I'm a cyclist now, it's crazy. I'm a black cyclist

1802
01:35:03,800 --> 01:35:06,160
Speaker 4: on a little bit. I don't know if I want

1803
01:35:06,200 --> 01:35:09,479
Speaker 4: you on that outfit. I got that tight outfit.

1804
01:35:09,560 --> 01:35:18,880
Speaker 2: All the whole thing I'm telling you right now, he went.

1805
01:35:19,520 --> 01:35:22,559
Speaker 2: But I want to tell you all this. I had

1806
01:35:22,560 --> 01:35:29,080
Speaker 2: this picture. I pray to lose weight, but stare at

1807
01:35:29,120 --> 01:35:30,640
Speaker 2: a treadmill would close on it.

1808
01:35:31,320 --> 01:35:32,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, he would hang his clothes on it.

1809
01:35:33,040 --> 01:35:36,439
Speaker 2: Why why are we praying for some things that we

1810
01:35:36,479 --> 01:35:43,160
Speaker 2: can change through process? And it's not a theology issue.

1811
01:35:43,840 --> 01:35:50,600
Speaker 2: God heals instantaneously all throughout Scripture, all throughout scripture, but

1812
01:35:50,720 --> 01:35:55,120
Speaker 2: sometimes he goes on the three day journey and comes

1813
01:35:55,160 --> 01:35:56,800
Speaker 2: back and gives us the key.

1814
01:35:58,880 --> 01:35:59,880
Speaker 3: How can we purchase these.

1815
01:35:59,760 --> 01:36:04,439
Speaker 2: Book Amazon anywhere? Looking for Jimmy and Irene anywhere books

1816
01:36:04,439 --> 01:36:05,240
Speaker 2: you sold Amazon?

1817
01:36:05,720 --> 01:36:07,240
Speaker 3: The website we do?

1818
01:36:07,400 --> 01:36:10,080
Speaker 4: What is it w W W dot two equals one

1819
01:36:10,720 --> 01:36:12,760
Speaker 4: dot com? Why do you always say w dot? I

1820
01:36:12,800 --> 01:36:14,559
Speaker 4: don't know what two equals one?

1821
01:36:14,600 --> 01:36:14,760
Speaker 5: Show?

1822
01:36:15,200 --> 01:36:17,640
Speaker 4: I'm fifty one, saw something w W I did? I

1823
01:36:17,640 --> 01:36:25,760
Speaker 4: did world wide web, world wide Web, my.

1824
01:36:28,280 --> 01:36:37,400
Speaker 5: Dot this is just a a C T P dot.

1825
01:36:36,360 --> 01:36:36,559
Speaker 2: Dot.

1826
01:36:37,160 --> 01:36:39,439
Speaker 5: So how can we support you? How can we follow

1827
01:36:39,439 --> 01:36:40,200
Speaker 5: you on social media?

1828
01:36:40,880 --> 01:36:44,559
Speaker 2: I am I am Jimmy Rollins and Irene Rollins and

1829
01:36:44,680 --> 01:36:47,880
Speaker 2: we got something really cool coming up, uh at the

1830
01:36:47,960 --> 01:36:49,360
Speaker 2: end of at the beginning next year.

1831
01:36:49,400 --> 01:36:50,200
Speaker 3: What can you talking about?

1832
01:36:50,240 --> 01:36:53,920
Speaker 2: It's called Better Marriage University. Good Better Marriage University is

1833
01:36:53,960 --> 01:36:54,320
Speaker 2: a thing.

1834
01:36:54,479 --> 01:36:55,200
Speaker 4: It is coming.

1835
01:36:55,640 --> 01:37:00,720
Speaker 2: It is online coaching, cohort, it is community, it is conferences.

1836
01:37:01,439 --> 01:37:04,240
Speaker 2: There's an app coming out that you can ask us

1837
01:37:04,320 --> 01:37:07,559
Speaker 2: questions on and we want to walk with you and

1838
01:37:07,600 --> 01:37:12,240
Speaker 2: your spouse through this. We have professors, we call them coaches.

1839
01:37:12,479 --> 01:37:14,559
Speaker 2: That are also groups that put you in small groups.

1840
01:37:14,560 --> 01:37:17,040
Speaker 2: We have right now we have about three hundred couples

1841
01:37:17,320 --> 01:37:20,599
Speaker 2: worldwide that we coach, but we're revamping it and making

1842
01:37:20,640 --> 01:37:23,800
Speaker 2: it bigger and better. AI is absolutely amazing using all that.

1843
01:37:23,920 --> 01:37:26,919
Speaker 2: So we want to invite you into our ecosystem. If anything,

1844
01:37:27,280 --> 01:37:28,200
Speaker 2: we're gonna laugh a lot.

1845
01:37:28,439 --> 01:37:30,479
Speaker 3: That's good. That's what people need. Man.

1846
01:37:30,479 --> 01:37:34,200
Speaker 5: We hate to laugh and build community and accountability. And

1847
01:37:34,320 --> 01:37:37,320
Speaker 5: because I'm telling you cannot do marriage alone. It's impossible.

1848
01:37:37,360 --> 01:37:40,080
Speaker 5: If you try to do your marriage by yourself, just

1849
01:37:40,120 --> 01:37:41,559
Speaker 5: y'all too, and be like, what happens in this house

1850
01:37:41,560 --> 01:37:43,840
Speaker 5: stays in this house. It's just us, you're gonna fail. Yep,

1851
01:37:44,280 --> 01:37:48,320
Speaker 5: you're gonna fail every time. And so I'm glad. You know,

1852
01:37:48,640 --> 01:37:51,200
Speaker 5: I love with our building. I love just who y'all are.

1853
01:37:51,760 --> 01:37:54,800
Speaker 5: You know, like I said beginning this episode, it's very

1854
01:37:54,920 --> 01:37:59,280
Speaker 5: rare to find very transparent and vulnerable people period, and

1855
01:37:59,360 --> 01:38:02,639
Speaker 5: then ministry and then people that have been pastors.

1856
01:38:02,640 --> 01:38:03,160
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

1857
01:38:03,200 --> 01:38:04,719
Speaker 3: It's like, okay, now.

1858
01:38:04,680 --> 01:38:07,640
Speaker 5: That's because that's just that's an oxy moroon, you know,

1859
01:38:07,760 --> 01:38:10,920
Speaker 5: it's like you can't be that vulnerable and transparent. Like

1860
01:38:10,960 --> 01:38:13,000
Speaker 5: even asking you that question, you said, your mind went

1861
01:38:13,040 --> 01:38:16,559
Speaker 5: automatically into what are people going to? You know, people

1862
01:38:16,640 --> 01:38:18,640
Speaker 5: gonna say this, they're gonna dissect this, they're gonna do this,

1863
01:38:19,080 --> 01:38:23,759
Speaker 5: and it's so unfortunate that we're supposed to be vulnerable.

1864
01:38:23,800 --> 01:38:25,600
Speaker 5: People say, I just wish people were more transparent. I

1865
01:38:25,640 --> 01:38:28,120
Speaker 5: wish more men could be more vulnerable and transparent, And

1866
01:38:28,160 --> 01:38:30,760
Speaker 5: you're like, well, how's that worked out? Every time a

1867
01:38:30,760 --> 01:38:33,840
Speaker 5: man tells you something transparent? Then social media, I can't

1868
01:38:33,880 --> 01:38:38,320
Speaker 5: believe run, run, don't let this love find me, all

1869
01:38:38,360 --> 01:38:41,439
Speaker 5: this stuff that's real, make it. He's like, what, so,

1870
01:38:41,520 --> 01:38:44,599
Speaker 5: it's crazy. And that's why I always try to give

1871
01:38:44,720 --> 01:38:48,120
Speaker 5: voice and space in my heart and mind to what's

1872
01:38:48,280 --> 01:38:50,479
Speaker 5: edifying and not trying to destroy. Some of these people

1873
01:38:50,520 --> 01:38:52,920
Speaker 5: just not even on the level to receive the level

1874
01:38:52,960 --> 01:38:56,160
Speaker 5: of transparency and vulnerability that it takes in order to

1875
01:38:56,200 --> 01:38:57,680
Speaker 5: cultivate a love like this.

1876
01:38:58,479 --> 01:38:58,920
Speaker 3: They just don't.

1877
01:38:58,960 --> 01:39:00,880
Speaker 5: They just don't haven't done the work enough to be

1878
01:39:00,920 --> 01:39:03,439
Speaker 5: able to hear it and not be triggered to hear

1879
01:39:03,479 --> 01:39:05,080
Speaker 5: it and not be traumatized and be like.

1880
01:39:05,080 --> 01:39:05,679
Speaker 3: That's healthy.

1881
01:39:05,720 --> 01:39:08,320
Speaker 5: That's actually healthy because you got to be able to

1882
01:39:08,320 --> 01:39:10,760
Speaker 5: hear it and go that's actually help. I would love

1883
01:39:10,840 --> 01:39:13,760
Speaker 5: to be able to share with my mate everything I

1884
01:39:13,800 --> 01:39:16,839
Speaker 5: would never share with anybody else. That's what it's supposed

1885
01:39:16,840 --> 01:39:18,360
Speaker 5: to be. But people be like, now I don't need

1886
01:39:18,400 --> 01:39:20,000
Speaker 5: to know everything. I don't need to know her body count.

1887
01:39:20,000 --> 01:39:21,840
Speaker 5: I don't even know his body count. I don't want to.

1888
01:39:22,360 --> 01:39:24,920
Speaker 5: If you even asked me that question, you ain't my person,

1889
01:39:25,040 --> 01:39:26,880
Speaker 5: you know. I've heard people say that. I see people

1890
01:39:26,880 --> 01:39:29,880
Speaker 5: on social media be like, if a man ever asked

1891
01:39:29,920 --> 01:39:31,440
Speaker 5: me how many people I slept.

1892
01:39:31,200 --> 01:39:33,439
Speaker 4: With, that's none of his business. He is not my person.

1893
01:39:33,640 --> 01:39:39,519
Speaker 5: I'd be like, so you want this random dudes to

1894
01:39:39,560 --> 01:39:41,000
Speaker 5: come up there and just start telling you stuff like

1895
01:39:41,000 --> 01:39:43,040
Speaker 5: you know I have that woman for and then now

1896
01:39:43,280 --> 01:39:45,120
Speaker 5: he's mad. But if you just told him, he be like,

1897
01:39:45,200 --> 01:39:47,400
Speaker 5: I already know about you. That's big soul, that's real,

1898
01:39:47,520 --> 01:39:50,799
Speaker 5: and he's sitting there. I always say, I tell by fiance,

1899
01:39:50,960 --> 01:39:53,000
Speaker 5: you're going to always be the smartest one in the room.

1900
01:39:53,240 --> 01:39:56,599
Speaker 5: I want to empower you with wisdom and knowledge so

1901
01:39:56,640 --> 01:39:58,880
Speaker 5: that if any woman comes up to you and says anything,

1902
01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:00,880
Speaker 5: you like, oh I know you, Oh yeah, he told

1903
01:40:00,920 --> 01:40:03,960
Speaker 5: me about you. You dated him last year and y'all did this,

1904
01:40:04,040 --> 01:40:05,439
Speaker 5: and y'all okay, y'all remember you.

1905
01:40:05,479 --> 01:40:08,479
Speaker 3: They be looking like, make.

1906
01:40:08,439 --> 01:40:10,680
Speaker 1: My baby jump at all at all.

1907
01:40:10,479 --> 01:40:13,599
Speaker 5: At all, And so that's what I mean by having

1908
01:40:13,640 --> 01:40:17,080
Speaker 5: that level of transparency. But Jimmy, I will admit that

1909
01:40:17,120 --> 01:40:18,800
Speaker 5: for you to be able to share that with her

1910
01:40:18,840 --> 01:40:22,160
Speaker 5: at twenty two years old, twenty three years old, that's

1911
01:40:22,240 --> 01:40:24,840
Speaker 5: unheard of. Most people not walking in that level of

1912
01:40:24,840 --> 01:40:28,479
Speaker 5: transparency to be like, here's my sword, because she can

1913
01:40:28,479 --> 01:40:31,639
Speaker 5: stab you with it any time, anytime, she can weaponize

1914
01:40:31,640 --> 01:40:33,400
Speaker 5: it against you and be like, I see you on

1915
01:40:33,439 --> 01:40:34,599
Speaker 5: your phone, You're ever looking at porn?

1916
01:40:34,600 --> 01:40:37,639
Speaker 4: You're like, gosh, I'm just looking at at Facebook right now.

1917
01:40:37,720 --> 01:40:39,920
Speaker 5: I don't know because I know you can't trust you

1918
01:40:39,920 --> 01:40:41,479
Speaker 5: with a phone because you may be on porn every

1919
01:40:41,520 --> 01:40:42,120
Speaker 5: time I turn.

1920
01:40:42,160 --> 01:40:43,200
Speaker 4: You're like, god, I.

1921
01:40:43,160 --> 01:40:45,000
Speaker 5: Wish I've never told you that. You know what I'm saying,

1922
01:40:45,200 --> 01:40:47,639
Speaker 5: and it can be weaponized. And that's what a lot

1923
01:40:47,680 --> 01:40:50,559
Speaker 5: of men are listening to, or even women may listen

1924
01:40:50,600 --> 01:40:53,439
Speaker 5: and go, I'm afraid to be that vulnerable with somebody

1925
01:40:53,560 --> 01:40:57,960
Speaker 5: because they could weaponize it against me. Instead of the

1926
01:40:57,960 --> 01:41:01,760
Speaker 5: beautiful thing about it. What if that level of transparency

1927
01:41:02,080 --> 01:41:05,200
Speaker 5: is what's going to identify that person as the one? Yeah,

1928
01:41:05,439 --> 01:41:09,200
Speaker 5: what if that person sharing that with you said you said, listen,

1929
01:41:09,240 --> 01:41:12,000
Speaker 5: if I could ever meet somebody that can share this

1930
01:41:12,040 --> 01:41:14,840
Speaker 5: with me, I know that's my husband. If I can

1931
01:41:15,000 --> 01:41:17,040
Speaker 5: ever share this with somebody, I know that's my wife.

1932
01:41:17,320 --> 01:41:20,599
Speaker 5: And then now you stepping outside of your normal comfort

1933
01:41:20,680 --> 01:41:23,720
Speaker 5: zone and sharing that that person says, God, I hear you,

1934
01:41:23,800 --> 01:41:26,240
Speaker 5: that's him, that's her, and you're let me ask.

1935
01:41:26,120 --> 01:41:27,280
Speaker 3: You this before we let go. How long did it

1936
01:41:27,280 --> 01:41:28,719
Speaker 3: take you to realize that this is your wife?

1937
01:41:29,760 --> 01:41:33,400
Speaker 1: First dates that night when it's literally a first suit

1938
01:41:33,479 --> 01:41:34,040
Speaker 1: a wife.

1939
01:41:34,080 --> 01:41:38,080
Speaker 2: Sorry, yes, she said, she said, No I get it,

1940
01:41:38,080 --> 01:41:39,800
Speaker 2: while me today I get it.

1941
01:41:39,960 --> 01:41:44,600
Speaker 4: Look at me, I am he.

1942
01:41:45,720 --> 01:41:46,040
Speaker 3: You said.

1943
01:41:46,040 --> 01:41:47,639
Speaker 4: The first day, yeah, first day.

1944
01:41:47,680 --> 01:41:50,920
Speaker 1: I literally the next day went to church, like I

1945
01:41:51,000 --> 01:41:52,519
Speaker 1: literally fell in love with his family.

1946
01:41:53,439 --> 01:41:54,519
Speaker 4: Your dad was preaching.

1947
01:41:54,640 --> 01:41:57,559
Speaker 1: He's such an incredible pastor, and I was like, oh

1948
01:41:57,600 --> 01:41:59,360
Speaker 1: my god, I fell in love with you in one day,

1949
01:41:59,600 --> 01:42:00,559
Speaker 1: like but.

1950
01:42:00,880 --> 01:42:02,439
Speaker 3: Not just fall in love. You felt like that was your.

1951
01:42:02,360 --> 01:42:03,839
Speaker 4: Husband one hundred.

1952
01:42:04,520 --> 01:42:08,320
Speaker 2: So I tell you my version. So I was doing

1953
01:42:08,439 --> 01:42:10,639
Speaker 2: youth ministry, you know, kind of help with my sisters.

1954
01:42:10,800 --> 01:42:12,600
Speaker 2: My sister was a youth pastor, and I would go

1955
01:42:12,640 --> 01:42:15,479
Speaker 2: speak and I was at a conference in a youth

1956
01:42:15,520 --> 01:42:18,120
Speaker 2: conference in Florida, and a lady came to me and

1957
01:42:18,160 --> 01:42:20,559
Speaker 2: says she had a prophetic word for me, and she goes,

1958
01:42:20,560 --> 01:42:22,559
Speaker 2: don't stop looking for your wife. God is gonna send her,

1959
01:42:22,600 --> 01:42:24,400
Speaker 2: and she's gonna love everything that's different about you.

1960
01:42:24,840 --> 01:42:29,320
Speaker 4: Those exact words. And then I was at another.

1961
01:42:29,040 --> 01:42:31,800
Speaker 2: Thing preaching, another lady came up to me and said

1962
01:42:31,840 --> 01:42:33,040
Speaker 2: the same exact.

1963
01:42:32,720 --> 01:42:35,000
Speaker 4: Words words, She's gonna love everything that's different about it.

1964
01:42:35,000 --> 01:42:37,519
Speaker 2: So we on that first date, right took her to

1965
01:42:37,680 --> 01:42:39,920
Speaker 2: you know, you got some big stuff, shrimp, you know

1966
01:42:40,000 --> 01:42:45,080
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. And I just love if you have everything.

1967
01:42:45,520 --> 01:42:47,360
Speaker 2: She says to me, I just love everything that's different

1968
01:42:47,360 --> 01:42:50,720
Speaker 2: about you. And I said, that's my wife. Now, I

1969
01:42:50,760 --> 01:42:54,840
Speaker 2: had no idea that God had put that in motion.

1970
01:42:55,320 --> 01:42:57,240
Speaker 4: So you said that internally, you didn't say that.

1971
01:42:57,240 --> 01:42:59,080
Speaker 2: Verse I said it the next day when she said

1972
01:42:59,200 --> 01:43:00,680
Speaker 2: I let her go first, she says, I fell in

1973
01:43:00,680 --> 01:43:01,760
Speaker 2: love with you one day when we get married.

1974
01:43:01,800 --> 01:43:03,200
Speaker 4: So let me tell you what just happened to me.

1975
01:43:04,280 --> 01:43:06,679
Speaker 4: And she didn't know prophecy or I didn't know anything

1976
01:43:06,720 --> 01:43:07,240
Speaker 4: about I just.

1977
01:43:07,240 --> 01:43:11,160
Speaker 2: Said it was a thing, and so I knew God

1978
01:43:11,520 --> 01:43:17,479
Speaker 2: had marked me for something. I never knew why until

1979
01:43:18,360 --> 01:43:22,120
Speaker 2: like fifteen years into our marriage. So people say, when

1980
01:43:22,120 --> 01:43:23,479
Speaker 2: did you fall in love with Irene. I knew we

1981
01:43:23,479 --> 01:43:25,640
Speaker 2: were getting married day one. We fell in love with

1982
01:43:25,720 --> 01:43:29,040
Speaker 2: each other ten years ago. We be married twenty six years.

1983
01:43:30,120 --> 01:43:31,720
Speaker 3: Gosh, I want to talk about that if you can

1984
01:43:31,800 --> 01:43:33,639
Speaker 3: touch on that real quickly. Yep.

1985
01:43:34,640 --> 01:43:36,720
Speaker 5: Why did it take ten Why did it take you

1986
01:43:36,760 --> 01:43:42,800
Speaker 5: said ten years ago? So you're saying sixteen sixteen years later? Yeah, gosh,

1987
01:43:42,880 --> 01:43:44,800
Speaker 5: I got to talk on that. Why did it take

1988
01:43:44,880 --> 01:43:46,800
Speaker 5: sixteen years with y'all to faunt? Let me ask you first,

1989
01:43:46,800 --> 01:43:48,120
Speaker 5: how long did it take y'all to get married?

1990
01:43:48,800 --> 01:43:49,000
Speaker 3: Oh?

1991
01:43:49,040 --> 01:43:51,960
Speaker 1: We go ahead nine months from the start to finished.

1992
01:43:52,000 --> 01:43:54,720
Speaker 1: So for the first date, first we met at work

1993
01:43:54,720 --> 01:43:56,799
Speaker 1: at the beginning of October. By the end of October

1994
01:43:56,840 --> 01:44:00,439
Speaker 1: on our first date December, engaged, married in June.

1995
01:44:00,640 --> 01:44:03,240
Speaker 4: Don't recommend it, right, We don't recommend.

1996
01:44:02,840 --> 01:44:06,920
Speaker 1: It unless you have like the tools.

1997
01:44:07,080 --> 01:44:08,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you've.

1998
01:44:07,840 --> 01:44:09,680
Speaker 1: Done the work and you're doing the work with it,

1999
01:44:09,840 --> 01:44:13,240
Speaker 1: like with somebody who's willing. I just felt like we

2000
01:44:13,320 --> 01:44:16,160
Speaker 1: did not We had no business getting married, So it's

2001
01:44:16,240 --> 01:44:20,080
Speaker 1: no wonder we were unhappy. Normalized our unhappiness.

2002
01:44:21,000 --> 01:44:23,200
Speaker 5: I gotta ask you this, So why do you why

2003
01:44:23,200 --> 01:44:24,840
Speaker 5: do you say y'all shouldn't have got married in that

2004
01:44:24,960 --> 01:44:26,080
Speaker 5: in that time span.

2005
01:44:26,360 --> 01:44:28,120
Speaker 1: Because we didn't didn't we didn't even know how to

2006
01:44:28,160 --> 01:44:30,280
Speaker 1: have a fight, how to have an argument, how to disagree.

2007
01:44:30,320 --> 01:44:34,040
Speaker 1: I just was so codependent and like so in my

2008
01:44:34,160 --> 01:44:36,320
Speaker 1: own personal trauma, I was silent.

2009
01:44:36,439 --> 01:44:37,960
Speaker 4: I wanted to have sex like.

2010
01:44:38,520 --> 01:44:42,400
Speaker 5: That's why most most Christian have guilty deal free sex.

2011
01:44:42,520 --> 01:44:44,080
Speaker 4: He just would win every argument.

2012
01:44:44,200 --> 01:44:46,719
Speaker 1: I just submit, submit, submit, and resent and resent resent,

2013
01:44:46,880 --> 01:44:47,960
Speaker 1: So I couldn't stand it.

2014
01:44:48,200 --> 01:44:50,280
Speaker 3: So in your mind was okay, watch this.

2015
01:44:50,600 --> 01:44:52,800
Speaker 5: So then this were talking about your front of Lowe

2016
01:44:52,840 --> 01:44:54,760
Speaker 5: was white, wasn't even developed at that time, neither one

2017
01:44:54,760 --> 01:44:56,840
Speaker 5: of y'all's. So when you look at this, when we

2018
01:44:56,920 --> 01:44:59,400
Speaker 5: y'all supposed to get married, then high sight being.

2019
01:44:59,240 --> 01:45:02,240
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty bias, can I answer, yeah, go ahead.

2020
01:45:02,080 --> 01:45:04,599
Speaker 4: I think what I would encourage couples to do.

2021
01:45:04,640 --> 01:45:07,360
Speaker 3: Now I'm talk about y'all always talking about couples for us.

2022
01:45:07,560 --> 01:45:11,639
Speaker 4: I would have waited. No, I wouldn't have I wouldn't change,

2023
01:45:11,640 --> 01:45:12,599
Speaker 4: would have changed it.

2024
01:45:12,760 --> 01:45:14,280
Speaker 3: And see, that's what I want to get back to.

2025
01:45:14,479 --> 01:45:15,920
Speaker 4: Not one thing made us.

2026
01:45:17,080 --> 01:45:19,240
Speaker 3: I was just getting there and make up all these lies.

2027
01:45:19,360 --> 01:45:22,280
Speaker 4: That's not true. So I wouldn't wish that on nobody.

2028
01:45:22,320 --> 01:45:23,960
Speaker 3: We would that wouldn't be who you' all right?

2029
01:45:24,320 --> 01:45:24,519
Speaker 2: True?

2030
01:45:25,000 --> 01:45:27,519
Speaker 4: That made us today because.

2031
01:45:27,320 --> 01:45:30,439
Speaker 1: Of it, And think that I started having babies because

2032
01:45:30,439 --> 01:45:33,320
Speaker 1: I think about I would have been drinking hmm, I

2033
01:45:33,320 --> 01:45:36,559
Speaker 1: would have been abusing alcohol. And it's like at thirty two,

2034
01:45:36,880 --> 01:45:40,040
Speaker 1: the next layer of things that the Lord wanted me

2035
01:45:40,080 --> 01:45:42,960
Speaker 1: to work on came up. I started having the flashbacks

2036
01:45:43,000 --> 01:45:46,400
Speaker 1: to the degree that I couldn't keep it silent anymore,

2037
01:45:46,720 --> 01:45:50,960
Speaker 1: and I had to begin to, like, you know, admit that, gosh,

2038
01:45:51,000 --> 01:45:54,160
Speaker 1: I'm having these flashbacks. They're really happening. That's not that

2039
01:45:54,280 --> 01:45:56,559
Speaker 1: happened to me. I have to admit that that happened.

2040
01:45:56,560 --> 01:45:59,000
Speaker 4: So this answer is the second part of your question. Yes,

2041
01:45:59,120 --> 01:46:00,400
Speaker 4: this is when I felt with her.

2042
01:46:01,200 --> 01:46:04,960
Speaker 2: I couldn't love what I didn't know, because love is

2043
01:46:05,000 --> 01:46:07,680
Speaker 2: at its best when people are at their worst. And

2044
01:46:07,720 --> 01:46:10,960
Speaker 2: when I said, we were sitting on a panel and

2045
01:46:11,080 --> 01:46:13,120
Speaker 2: the guy was interviewing us, I think Marcus d waly

2046
01:46:13,400 --> 01:46:16,639
Speaker 2: was interviewing us my brother. At Tasha and Kenny's marriage conference,

2047
01:46:16,680 --> 01:46:18,720
Speaker 2: she goes, when did y'all fall in love first time?

2048
01:46:18,720 --> 01:46:23,760
Speaker 2: I answered, I said eight years ago and which was

2049
01:46:23,800 --> 01:46:26,280
Speaker 2: now ten years ago. And they were like what And

2050
01:46:26,320 --> 01:46:29,479
Speaker 2: I said, when I found all of the things that

2051
01:46:29,560 --> 01:46:34,560
Speaker 2: needed to be reconciled when she was honest. When the

2052
01:46:34,600 --> 01:46:40,479
Speaker 2: worst came out with alcohol, I realized God's love has

2053
01:46:40,479 --> 01:46:43,120
Speaker 2: an opportunity to be his best. I didn't love her

2054
01:46:43,120 --> 01:46:47,080
Speaker 2: before I liked her. I lusted her, Irene, How did

2055
01:46:47,160 --> 01:46:48,000
Speaker 2: you feel hearing that?

2056
01:46:48,920 --> 01:46:51,280
Speaker 1: I at first it was like the pause when he

2057
01:46:51,400 --> 01:46:54,000
Speaker 1: was thinking of when did you fall in love? Everybody

2058
01:46:54,040 --> 01:46:56,920
Speaker 1: was expecting him to ancer quickly right when he saw

2059
01:46:57,000 --> 01:46:59,439
Speaker 1: so first, my stomach was like kind of churning. I

2060
01:46:59,479 --> 01:47:02,400
Speaker 1: was like, I'm comfortable, Like, oh my gosh. But then

2061
01:47:02,720 --> 01:47:05,960
Speaker 1: I just sat in my process of recovery. I've learned

2062
01:47:06,000 --> 01:47:10,280
Speaker 1: to become comfortable with discomfort. Yes, So I just sat

2063
01:47:10,320 --> 01:47:13,960
Speaker 1: in it and trusted and waited, and sure enough that

2064
01:47:14,000 --> 01:47:18,439
Speaker 1: revelation came out, and uh, it sat with me so well.

2065
01:47:18,800 --> 01:47:21,479
Speaker 1: And it's that's agreement for us both.

2066
01:47:21,800 --> 01:47:23,720
Speaker 3: So so prior to that, what would you have said?

2067
01:47:25,080 --> 01:47:28,400
Speaker 1: I would have said the day in rehab when you

2068
01:47:28,479 --> 01:47:34,280
Speaker 1: looked in my eyes and told me that you loved

2069
01:47:34,320 --> 01:47:39,120
Speaker 1: me then, which is when we met, and you still

2070
01:47:39,160 --> 01:47:43,960
Speaker 1: love me now with alcoholism, with knowing all the shame

2071
01:47:44,040 --> 01:47:47,639
Speaker 1: I was caring about sexual abuse that I had lied

2072
01:47:47,680 --> 01:47:50,400
Speaker 1: to you about my body count because of shame, like

2073
01:47:50,880 --> 01:47:52,439
Speaker 1: all the things that I had covered up.

2074
01:47:53,600 --> 01:47:55,200
Speaker 4: You would choose me now.

2075
01:47:55,320 --> 01:47:57,320
Speaker 2: I said, I chose you then, and I'll choose you,

2076
01:47:57,360 --> 01:47:58,360
Speaker 2: and I still choose you now.

2077
01:47:58,400 --> 01:48:02,000
Speaker 1: That's when I heard that is love. Yes, this man

2078
01:48:02,120 --> 01:48:05,080
Speaker 1: sees me and he still loves me. And I didn't

2079
01:48:05,120 --> 01:48:08,280
Speaker 1: even know that I was hiding so like I didn't

2080
01:48:08,320 --> 01:48:12,519
Speaker 1: even rationally know that I was hiding so much from him,

2081
01:48:12,640 --> 01:48:15,280
Speaker 1: and we would argue all the time. He's like he

2082
01:48:15,360 --> 01:48:17,439
Speaker 1: wanted something from me that I didn't understand how to

2083
01:48:17,439 --> 01:48:17,760
Speaker 1: give him.

2084
01:48:17,800 --> 01:48:19,040
Speaker 4: I'm like, I'm trying, I'm trying.

2085
01:48:19,080 --> 01:48:22,120
Speaker 1: I don't know what he wants. It wasn't until I

2086
01:48:22,200 --> 01:48:24,920
Speaker 1: began to get honest and vulnerable that I began to

2087
01:48:25,000 --> 01:48:30,040
Speaker 1: realize the freedom in it and experience that for myself

2088
01:48:30,280 --> 01:48:34,880
Speaker 1: and see love, see unconditional love, and like, he didn't

2089
01:48:34,920 --> 01:48:36,640
Speaker 1: cast me away, he didn't reject me. That was my

2090
01:48:36,640 --> 01:48:40,559
Speaker 1: biggest fear for keeping my mouth shut because I didn't

2091
01:48:40,560 --> 01:48:44,920
Speaker 1: want him to look at me different and he still

2092
01:48:44,960 --> 01:48:45,280
Speaker 1: loved me.

2093
01:48:46,400 --> 01:48:49,679
Speaker 4: Okay, that's real love.

2094
01:48:51,760 --> 01:48:55,320
Speaker 5: Listen, I can talk to y'all all day. Good Lord.

2095
01:48:57,600 --> 01:48:59,760
Speaker 5: I just want to thank y'all. I want to thank

2096
01:48:59,840 --> 01:49:02,760
Speaker 5: you y'all for giving me reference to what to look

2097
01:49:02,800 --> 01:49:03,799
Speaker 5: forward to in marriage.

2098
01:49:04,000 --> 01:49:04,120
Speaker 3: Come.

2099
01:49:05,800 --> 01:49:08,120
Speaker 4: Not that it's going to always be pretty, not that

2100
01:49:08,200 --> 01:49:08,680
Speaker 4: it's going to.

2101
01:49:08,680 --> 01:49:12,880
Speaker 5: Be butterflies and daffodils and roses, but it's going to

2102
01:49:12,960 --> 01:49:19,200
Speaker 5: be truth and honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and literally say, hey,

2103
01:49:21,120 --> 01:49:25,120
Speaker 5: love covers a multitude of sins and I got you,

2104
01:49:25,120 --> 01:49:27,760
Speaker 5: you got me. We're going to have each other until

2105
01:49:27,760 --> 01:49:30,760
Speaker 5: we take our last breath. And so I thank y'all

2106
01:49:30,760 --> 01:49:33,400
Speaker 5: so much for just being who y'all are. Make sure

2107
01:49:33,479 --> 01:49:37,439
Speaker 5: y'all go support these books, Go support the marriage with

2108
01:49:37,520 --> 01:49:42,760
Speaker 5: a whole marriage movement that they're doing. Support it sign up,

2109
01:49:42,880 --> 01:49:45,439
Speaker 5: go to their website, sign up for their melon list,

2110
01:49:46,120 --> 01:49:49,040
Speaker 5: Go to Amazon, blow their book up. Let them see

2111
01:49:49,080 --> 01:49:52,719
Speaker 5: the rankings just changed. What happened the last twenty four hours.

2112
01:49:52,760 --> 01:49:55,479
Speaker 5: I need to see that. I need to see that energy.

2113
01:49:56,760 --> 01:49:58,640
Speaker 5: So I just thank y'all. I thank y'all for just

2114
01:49:58,680 --> 01:49:59,639
Speaker 5: being who y'all are.

2115
01:50:00,520 --> 01:50:01,479
Speaker 3: Y'all gived up for.

2116
01:50:01,600 --> 01:50:02,640
Speaker 4: The robins, y'all.

2117
01:50:02,360 --> 01:50:05,400
Speaker 3: Appreciate, give it up for us. Stay tuned to the

2118
01:50:05,520 --> 01:50:07,200
Speaker 3: end for a letter to my future wife.

2119
01:50:07,760 --> 01:50:10,479
Speaker 2: Writing these love letters, you.

2120
01:50:14,800 --> 01:50:19,919
Speaker 5: Ladarian thrust it suddenly into child protective services. In twenty fifteen,

2121
01:50:20,520 --> 01:50:25,160
Speaker 5: my nephew, black a boy. The likelihood have been adopted

2122
01:50:25,200 --> 01:50:30,519
Speaker 5: outside of kinship slim to none? Rmione, sixteen years old,

2123
01:50:30,760 --> 01:50:34,360
Speaker 5: black a boy with five years in the Falster care

2124
01:50:34,400 --> 01:50:37,840
Speaker 5: system before I even knew his name. The likelihood have

2125
01:50:37,920 --> 01:50:38,880
Speaker 5: ever been adopted?

2126
01:50:39,800 --> 01:50:42,200
Speaker 3: Yep, you guessed it. Slim to none.

2127
01:50:43,720 --> 01:50:46,719
Speaker 5: While Ladarian and OURMIONI were trying to survive and barely

2128
01:50:46,760 --> 01:50:50,240
Speaker 5: thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded Falseter care system, I

2129
01:50:50,320 --> 01:50:53,639
Speaker 5: was living my own life, doing well professionally, having been

2130
01:50:53,680 --> 01:50:55,880
Speaker 5: a single father with a daughter who at that point

2131
01:50:55,920 --> 01:50:58,320
Speaker 5: was doing well in college. It was my time to

2132
01:50:58,360 --> 01:51:04,920
Speaker 5: live my life right wrong. I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated.

2133
01:51:05,840 --> 01:51:09,240
Speaker 5: There are just two many of our black children stuck

2134
01:51:09,520 --> 01:51:13,000
Speaker 5: in ambiguity and in the limbo of the Falter care system.

2135
01:51:13,520 --> 01:51:17,519
Speaker 5: In twenty seventeen, I legally adopted my nephew Ladarian. Fast

2136
01:51:17,520 --> 01:51:19,920
Speaker 5: forward to twenty nineteen. I had no ties to this

2137
01:51:19,960 --> 01:51:22,439
Speaker 5: other young king, but I felt God instructed me to

2138
01:51:22,520 --> 01:51:25,960
Speaker 5: adopt them. Also in I obb starting over with parenting

2139
01:51:26,080 --> 01:51:27,280
Speaker 5: should have been enough.

2140
01:51:27,360 --> 01:51:27,519
Speaker 3: Right.

2141
01:51:27,560 --> 01:51:30,360
Speaker 5: Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help

2142
01:51:30,360 --> 01:51:33,479
Speaker 5: bring awareness to the countless young Black Kings and the

2143
01:51:33,479 --> 01:51:38,000
Speaker 5: Falster care system should have decreased my agitation. Right, Joining

2144
01:51:38,000 --> 01:51:41,000
Speaker 5: the board of directors of Advantage of Adoption and organization

2145
01:51:41,080 --> 01:51:44,240
Speaker 5: that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in false

2146
01:51:44,360 --> 01:51:48,599
Speaker 5: care should have led to some type of resolve. Right, No,

2147
01:51:48,680 --> 01:51:51,559
Speaker 5: not at all. None of it felt like I had

2148
01:51:51,640 --> 01:51:56,200
Speaker 5: done enough. I now realized that every one of those

2149
01:51:56,280 --> 01:51:59,920
Speaker 5: experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life's miss

2150
01:52:01,080 --> 01:52:05,120
Speaker 5: Kingdom Royale. Kingdom Royal would be a luxury, state of

2151
01:52:05,160 --> 01:52:08,559
Speaker 5: the art home for foster boys. Our first location will

2152
01:52:08,560 --> 01:52:11,320
Speaker 5: be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex. We will utilize

2153
01:52:11,320 --> 01:52:15,240
Speaker 5: the whole person approach that instills identity, empowers them to

2154
01:52:15,320 --> 01:52:19,360
Speaker 5: advocate for themselves, and enlightens them regarding new perspectives and

2155
01:52:19,479 --> 01:52:24,720
Speaker 5: limitless options that they thought were impossible. Though the young

2156
01:52:24,800 --> 01:52:27,000
Speaker 5: Kings will attend the local public schools that are in

2157
01:52:27,280 --> 01:52:31,280
Speaker 5: proximity to Kingdom Royal. Our at home curriculum will broaden

2158
01:52:31,360 --> 01:52:35,599
Speaker 5: their worldview through participating in the arts, attending various cultural events,

2159
01:52:35,760 --> 01:52:40,160
Speaker 5: learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions about current events

2160
01:52:40,240 --> 01:52:45,120
Speaker 5: and even relevant historical contexts. Introducing them to gardening and landscaping,

2161
01:52:45,200 --> 01:52:48,479
Speaker 5: and even caring for our animals on our form and

2162
01:52:48,560 --> 01:52:52,920
Speaker 5: on site stables. We just launched our startup capital campaign

2163
01:52:53,200 --> 01:52:55,360
Speaker 5: with the goal of raising two point eight million dollars.

2164
01:52:55,400 --> 01:52:56,840
Speaker 3: Now why two point eight million dollars.

2165
01:52:57,640 --> 01:52:59,880
Speaker 5: Well, In twenty seventeen, I created a web series of

2166
01:53:00,040 --> 01:53:03,320
Speaker 5: which I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the

2167
01:53:03,360 --> 01:53:04,200
Speaker 5: homeless community.

2168
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Speaker 3: One of the most notable successes.

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Speaker 5: Was that one of the videos went viral, garnering twenty

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Speaker 5: eight million views. However, one of my biggest regrets is

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Speaker 5: that I didn't raise a single dollar to help in

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Speaker 5: implementing a more sustainable plan for the homeless community. So,

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01:53:20,360 --> 01:53:24,320
Speaker 5: throughout the years, with much remorse, I reflect and I'm

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Speaker 5: not maximizing that moment.

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Speaker 4: I knew if at that time.

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Speaker 5: Just ten percent of the viewers donated one dollar, we

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01:53:31,000 --> 01:53:34,519
Speaker 5: would have raised at least two point eight million dollars

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Speaker 5: that could have really established long term support for the

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Speaker 5: homeless community, or at least started a long term initiative

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01:53:40,880 --> 01:53:45,160
Speaker 5: to do so. This is my do over, this is

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01:53:45,280 --> 01:53:48,600
Speaker 5: our new beginning. Together, we can attack this at the

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01:53:48,720 --> 01:53:53,080
Speaker 5: route by specifically helping our homeless Black boys who are

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01:53:53,160 --> 01:53:57,440
Speaker 5: already disproportionately represented in the American fossil care system.

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Speaker 3: I'm a tarisaar Wickfield.

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Speaker 5: I've been nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work

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01:54:02,560 --> 01:54:05,519
Speaker 5: with the homeless as well as my personal adoption journey.

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01:54:06,080 --> 01:54:10,519
Speaker 5: Despite those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly

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01:54:10,640 --> 01:54:16,360
Speaker 5: providing the infrastructure for a transformed life. Visit Kingdomwroyal dot

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01:54:16,360 --> 01:54:20,000
Speaker 5: com for more details Crown of King and make a

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01:54:20,040 --> 01:54:30,160
Speaker 5: donation today. Now I know y'all enjoyed that episode. That

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01:54:30,360 --> 01:54:34,640
Speaker 5: episode was absolutely powerful. Well, here's my favorite part of

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Speaker 5: the podcast where I speak to my future wife. He

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01:54:37,400 --> 01:54:40,680
Speaker 5: dear future wifey, there comes a time in every man's

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Speaker 5: life when we realize that love isn't meant to be cautious.

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01:54:44,560 --> 01:54:47,280
Speaker 5: Love was never designed to play it safe. With you,

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01:54:47,680 --> 01:54:51,160
Speaker 5: I refuse a tiptoe around destiny. I am becoming unstoppable,

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01:54:51,240 --> 01:54:53,560
Speaker 5: not because of my strength, but because of the God

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01:54:53,600 --> 01:54:56,640
Speaker 5: who fuels me and the love that will bind us together.

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Speaker 5: My heart has been tested by storms, yet it's still

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01:55:00,080 --> 01:55:03,320
Speaker 5: beats with hope. My faith has been pressed, but it

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01:55:03,400 --> 01:55:08,160
Speaker 5: still rises with conviction. No matter your scars, no matter

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01:55:08,200 --> 01:55:11,240
Speaker 5: your seasons, no matter the complexities of your journey, my

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01:55:11,360 --> 01:55:13,280
Speaker 5: commitment will remain immovable.

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Speaker 4: I promise you this.

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Speaker 5: I will not weaponize your flaws, nor retreat when challenges arise.

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01:55:18,880 --> 01:55:21,520
Speaker 5: I will love you without expiration. I will pursue you

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01:55:21,600 --> 01:55:24,920
Speaker 5: without pause. I will cover you without conditions. The world

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01:55:24,960 --> 01:55:27,280
Speaker 5: may try to convince us that love has limits, but

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Speaker 5: my vow is to live beyond those limits. Because when

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01:55:29,840 --> 01:55:32,760
Speaker 5: love is rooted in Christ, it becomes unstoppable.

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01:55:32,920 --> 01:55:34,440
Speaker 3: So prepare yourself, my love.

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01:55:34,480 --> 01:55:36,720
Speaker 5: You're about to be cherished by a man who refuses

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01:55:36,760 --> 01:55:39,879
Speaker 5: to quit, who refuses to let fear dictate the story,

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01:55:40,000 --> 01:55:43,320
Speaker 5: who refuses to love halfway. With every breath, I will

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01:55:43,320 --> 01:55:45,800
Speaker 5: honor you with every step, I will walk with you,

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01:55:46,120 --> 01:55:49,160
Speaker 5: and with every heartbeat, I will remind you you are

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01:55:49,320 --> 01:55:53,200
Speaker 5: home your future hobby. I hope you enjoyed this episode

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01:55:53,240 --> 01:55:57,680
Speaker 5: of the Dear Future Wife podcast. Remember beltch live intentionally

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01:55:57,920 --> 01:56:00,280
Speaker 5: and transparently, and don't stop love.

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01:56:00,800 --> 01:56:03,080
Speaker 3: Make sure to subscribe to our Dear Future Wife you

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01:56:03,120 --> 01:56:03,880
Speaker 3: YouTube channels.

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01:56:04,000 --> 01:56:07,480
Speaker 5: We're available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, and Stitcher.

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01:56:07,720 --> 01:56:10,560
Speaker 3: We welcome your support. Simply share our podcasts with your

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01:56:10,600 --> 01:56:11,320
Speaker 3: friends and family.