WEBVTT - 1141 -mp3 0:00:00.730 --> 0:00:03.570 But you can't help us and we are helping you. 0:00:03.850 --> 0:00:04.230 Facts. 0:00:04.350 --> 0:00:05.790 That doesn't seem reciprocal. 0:00:06.070 --> 0:00:08.709 Exactly. And so if you want somebody to commit to you, 0:00:08.850 --> 0:00:12.070 commit to where you're finding growth, where you're finding healing, 0:00:12.450 --> 0:00:17.420 because it's so important because advertisers and podcast networks, when 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:20.980 they look at your analytics, they want to see where 0:00:21.180 --> 0:00:25.700 is this discrepancy. But even outside of just the business part, 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:28.760 I want us to be people who can commit, commit. 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:31.360 And so be committal. 0:00:31.820 --> 0:00:34.260 And I just want to thank you because last week 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.880 in the comments, so many of you were encouraging people 0:00:37.900 --> 0:00:41.800 to like and subscribe. We see you. We love you. 0:00:42.010 --> 0:00:44.910 We appreciate you. And we celebrate you for rocking with us. 0:00:44.950 --> 0:00:46.790 And I told you about that one lady that DM 0:00:46.830 --> 0:00:50.390 me that said, I've been watching since 2021 and I've 0:00:50.430 --> 0:00:53.490 never subscribed. But when Ashley says subscribe, then I decide 0:00:53.510 --> 0:00:55.360 to subscribe. I said, well, what's the difference about her? 0:00:55.620 --> 0:00:56.400 I love you, queen. 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:58.600 I sent her a voice memo like, oh, so Ashley 0:00:58.620 --> 0:01:01.180 say it one time and I've been saying it for five, 0:01:01.220 --> 0:01:01.700 six years. 0:01:01.780 --> 0:01:02.680 It just been one. 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:03.200 Okay. 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:04.940 Okay. Let me chill. 0:01:05.050 --> 0:01:06.390 These my sisters out there. Yeah. 0:01:06.410 --> 0:01:06.569 Yeah. 0:01:06.590 --> 0:01:07.770 They rocking with her because she said it. 0:01:08.090 --> 0:01:11.429 But listen to those six hundred and eighty three thousand 0:01:11.490 --> 0:01:15.080 people who have been rocking with me and has described. 0:01:15.090 --> 0:01:16.060 I just want to say thank you. 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:20.360 Thank you for showing me that you matter by showing 0:01:20.500 --> 0:01:23.339 up as a number. And I appreciate you because every 0:01:23.740 --> 0:01:26.870 subscriber of the Dear Future Wifey podcast isn't just a 0:01:26.930 --> 0:01:27.450 number to me. 0:01:27.850 --> 0:01:31.090 So that's the way I see your support and love. 0:01:31.819 --> 0:01:34.919 I try to comment and respond to your DMs and 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:37.660 your comments on the YouTube channel as much as possible 0:01:37.700 --> 0:01:39.010 just to show my appreciation. 0:01:39.030 --> 0:01:40.270 So thank you for rocking with us. 0:01:42.030 --> 0:01:46.550 Today's episode is interesting and we're going to deep dive 0:01:46.750 --> 0:01:50.390 into this conversation. I want this conversation to be enlightening 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:54.760 for women. I wanted to create a safe space for 0:01:54.840 --> 0:01:58.160 men today. to hear a man's heart. And we're going 0:01:58.180 --> 0:02:02.580 to start debunking some stuff that we have been brainwashed 0:02:03.180 --> 0:02:08.380 by social media and how men should represent and what 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:10.420 makes a man masculine and all that. 0:02:10.460 --> 0:02:12.240 We're going to tackle all these issues. 0:02:12.650 --> 0:02:15.070 And I felt like it was nobody best than to 0:02:15.150 --> 0:02:17.250 have this conversation play on words. 0:02:17.610 --> 0:02:18.810 Nobody best to have. 0:02:18.669 --> 0:02:23.550 This conversation than my homie, our homie, Sean Bess. 0:02:23.870 --> 0:02:25.910 What's going up, King? What's going on? It's good to 0:02:25.930 --> 0:02:28.070 see you on the New York Black today. We're the 0:02:28.110 --> 0:02:31.000 New York Black. Let's go. All day. All day. All day. 0:02:31.020 --> 0:02:32.540 So let me ask you this. 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:36.720 I've seen a lot of the videos from Married at 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:37.299 First Sight. 0:02:38.660 --> 0:02:39.500 Gone viral. 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:42.299 At the time that you reached out to me, I 0:02:42.580 --> 0:02:45.340 hadn't watched the full episode. And so I want to 0:02:45.380 --> 0:02:48.860 go back and say, what made you DM Dear Future 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:51.660 Wifey and say, I would love to come on the 0:02:51.700 --> 0:02:55.799 podcast and I don't want you throwing softballs. I want 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:58.340 you to be real and ask me the hard questions. 0:02:58.360 --> 0:02:59.679 What made you say that? 0:02:59.780 --> 0:03:00.160 Yeah. 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:03.880 Well, thank you for that question for as a top question. 0:03:04.990 --> 0:03:08.710 rated relationship podcasts, what y'all do for the community and 0:03:08.730 --> 0:03:12.230 for the culture. I know that as a subscriber myself, 0:03:13.230 --> 0:03:16.850 I respect the way that you all challenge your guests, 0:03:17.310 --> 0:03:20.710 the way that you all have really helped aid in 0:03:20.730 --> 0:03:22.790 the healing of Black families and relationships. 0:03:22.970 --> 0:03:24.030 And you really like. 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:28.519 Get down to the core behind the veil of religiosity, 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:32.480 behind the veil of just like performance and being performative. 0:03:33.060 --> 0:03:35.940 And you really get down to like Understanding what is 0:03:35.970 --> 0:03:38.040 it that causes healing in relationships and just knowing a 0:03:38.060 --> 0:03:40.820 little bit about your background and your history as a couple, 0:03:41.670 --> 0:03:43.430 you know, you all had to even do the hard 0:03:43.470 --> 0:03:47.100 work yourself. And so to me, I'm not somebody who's 0:03:47.140 --> 0:03:49.200 coming in. trying to sound like an expert, like I 0:03:49.260 --> 0:03:51.540 figured it out. Obviously, I failed on national TV in 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:53.800 front of a lot of people. But I also feel 0:03:53.820 --> 0:03:56.480 like in a lot of ways, I was so glad 0:03:56.500 --> 0:03:59.220 to be courageous enough to make that bold choice. And 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:01.080 I wanted to share my journey with you and like 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:03.340 glean what I could from like learning from your relationship, 0:04:03.380 --> 0:04:06.680 but also offer to men what's a pathway toward healing 0:04:07.140 --> 0:04:10.140 about how we choose to create our identities. 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:12.780 One of the things that I always believe in on 0:04:12.810 --> 0:04:15.210 the Dear Future Wifey podcast is to keep it lit. 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:20.510 where we live intentionally and transparently. I'm going to show 0:04:20.550 --> 0:04:22.830 you how lit I am. When you first reached out 0:04:22.890 --> 0:04:24.970 to me, as you know, in our first conversation, I 0:04:25.010 --> 0:04:27.510 was apprehensive about even bringing you on the podcast. 0:04:27.570 --> 0:04:30.849 I was like, oh, Lord. I said, I don't want 0:04:30.870 --> 0:04:31.790 to bring him on here. 0:04:31.810 --> 0:04:35.750 All I've seen is the negative stuff about him. And 0:04:35.810 --> 0:04:37.470 I don't want him to come on the podcast. I 0:04:37.490 --> 0:04:39.350 don't want to get any backlash. I don't want people 0:04:39.370 --> 0:04:42.610 to get mad at me because I'm talking to them 0:04:42.630 --> 0:04:45.330 and talking to him and giving him an opportunity. Or 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:47.479 they say you're giving him a platform. 0:04:47.500 --> 0:04:47.770 Right. 0:04:48.100 --> 0:04:50.020 And I said, and I told you, I said, I'm 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.180 going to talk to my wife before I ever do this. 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:55.360 And I want to watch the episodes before I confirm. 0:04:55.900 --> 0:04:59.210 And if I'm transparent with you, I got convicted. God said, 0:04:59.510 --> 0:05:04.060 so you, so you're telling me that. you created this 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:06.760 platform to be a safe space for people to share 0:05:06.820 --> 0:05:09.120 their journey, to talk about it. As you said, I'm 0:05:09.140 --> 0:05:12.160 going to ask the real questions, but then you're afraid 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.680 of public opinion to allow a man to go through 0:05:15.700 --> 0:05:20.020 a healing process on your podcast. And I said, yeah, 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.180 because if people, he said, there it is. 0:05:22.860 --> 0:05:23.400 There it is. 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:27.219 I gave you this platform for me to bring me honor. 0:05:27.660 --> 0:05:31.400 And I do not want you thwarting the mission because 0:05:31.420 --> 0:05:34.500 you're afraid of what people would say. Even when God 0:05:34.550 --> 0:05:37.950 said that, I said, well, that's cool. But that still 0:05:37.970 --> 0:05:42.909 wasn't enough for me. I went to chat GPT. I 0:05:42.950 --> 0:05:48.270 went to chat GPT. I went to chat GPT. I said, chat, listen, 0:05:48.430 --> 0:05:52.170 you know what's out there about this man. Should I 0:05:52.250 --> 0:05:55.550 do an interview with this guy with all the negativity? 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:58.480 This is what chat said. I said, I want to 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:02.940 do a conversation about toxic masculinity. And then, um, and 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:06.040 chat said, I wouldn't make Sean the case study of 0:06:06.100 --> 0:06:09.820 toxic masculinity. I make him the case study for decoding it. 0:06:10.210 --> 0:06:13.469 There are behaviors. He has already publicly acknowledged we're wrong, 0:06:13.810 --> 0:06:17.050 but there's also an irony worth exploring. While Sean was 0:06:17.089 --> 0:06:20.670 being accused of toxic masculinity for his behavior towards Nikki, 0:06:21.170 --> 0:06:25.460 other people were simultaneously using toxic standards of masculinity against 0:06:25.500 --> 0:06:29.260 Sean and By questioning his sexuality Or manhood Because he 0:06:29.300 --> 0:06:31.640 didn't fit their image Of how a black man Should 0:06:31.660 --> 0:06:35.140 present himself It says This gives you an excellent opening 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:39.180 What happens when the man Accused of toxic masculinity Is 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:42.670 also being wounded By toxic masculinity Wow Wow. 0:06:42.830 --> 0:06:45.350 That's deep. That's powerful. What do you think about that? 0:06:45.490 --> 0:06:47.650 I told him I'm going to keep it real. I 0:06:47.650 --> 0:06:48.510 appreciate that. 0:06:49.870 --> 0:06:54.630 I think Chad GBT did a good job summarizing what 0:06:54.770 --> 0:06:57.230 the tension and what the conversation has been around this 0:06:57.270 --> 0:07:01.050 relationship that was on national TV. And I'll say this, 0:07:02.000 --> 0:07:04.130 you know, I do appreciate you taking the chance to 0:07:04.180 --> 0:07:06.219 have me on here and to really just be able 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:08.360 to share my story, but I will say, and I 0:07:08.380 --> 0:07:10.860 will start with this and, I've kind of said this 0:07:10.900 --> 0:07:13.380 in sort of a different kind of a way before, 0:07:13.460 --> 0:07:19.680 but essentially I take ownership of the fact that when 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:25.080 I felt a sense of being cornered, a sense of 0:07:25.170 --> 0:07:30.370 being disrespected, a sense of being told that I'm unattractive 0:07:30.530 --> 0:07:32.950 or whatever the things that were being said about me 0:07:32.990 --> 0:07:37.030 a lot of times early on in the season, the 0:07:37.090 --> 0:07:41.620 wounded person inside of me only knew to respond by. 0:07:41.540 --> 0:07:44.380 Fighting back and by trying to hurt you worse. 0:07:45.300 --> 0:07:47.250 And what I knew from the time I was a 0:07:47.290 --> 0:07:50.410 child is that, like, I remember as clear as day 0:07:50.430 --> 0:07:53.370 when I was around sixth grade and a bully was 0:07:53.450 --> 0:07:56.410 trying to, like, corner me and basically, like, trap me 0:07:56.610 --> 0:07:59.070 down the street. And I ran inside the house and 0:07:59.110 --> 0:08:00.500 my mom was like, where are you running from? And 0:08:00.950 --> 0:08:02.400 I'm like, there's somebody out here chasing me. 0:08:02.440 --> 0:08:03.300 She's like, okay. 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:06.580 Go back out there. And she sent me back outside, 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.160 locked the door, and said, finish your bullying. 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:09.870 That's that old school. 0:08:09.900 --> 0:08:10.250 Old school. 0:08:10.290 --> 0:08:13.330 We're talking 1980s, right? We're talking like mid-80s. 0:08:14.450 --> 0:08:16.850 And not to say that that was the right thing 0:08:16.890 --> 0:08:19.080 to do, but that's the kind of pedigree that I 0:08:19.160 --> 0:08:19.720 kind of grew up with. 0:08:19.740 --> 0:08:22.840 No, I think it's the right thing to do. That's 0:08:22.900 --> 0:08:24.470 how I was raised. I don't know about that. 0:08:24.530 --> 0:08:26.590 It's like, because at the end of the day, if 0:08:26.630 --> 0:08:29.430 you keep getting bullied by the same person, you're just 0:08:29.450 --> 0:08:31.030 going to keep, you're going to be running for the 0:08:31.070 --> 0:08:33.700 rest of your life. You'll be, you'll spend your elementary, 0:08:33.740 --> 0:08:37.200 your middle school, high school or whatever, scare, avoiding running 0:08:37.220 --> 0:08:39.140 instead of confronting whatever it is. 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:39.540 Yeah. 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:43.090 And the way we were taught now, I don't know 0:08:43.130 --> 0:08:46.760 if it's right. But I believe it was because every 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:49.380 time I fought the bully, we became best friends. 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:53.000 Well, see, that's the thing. It's about how you confront. Yeah. 0:08:53.179 --> 0:08:56.840 It's saying confront, but confront with more tools. Confront with 0:08:56.880 --> 0:09:00.460 more strategy. Confront with more understanding. We confront with these hands, Sean. 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:02.380 That's what we confronted with these hands. 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:04.520 We do not condone violence. 0:09:04.540 --> 0:09:08.490 We ain't talking about violence. We confront... Defending yourself. Yes. 0:09:08.550 --> 0:09:10.470 So if somebody keeps trying to beat you up all 0:09:10.510 --> 0:09:12.410 the time, I can't sit there and say, wait, oh, 0:09:12.429 --> 0:09:13.010 you hit me in the face. 0:09:13.030 --> 0:09:15.830 Let's talk about the boom. Hold on, sir. Right. 0:09:15.850 --> 0:09:17.470 You can't just keep hitting on me. I ain't going 0:09:17.490 --> 0:09:19.370 to teach no man to just be getting beat up. 0:09:19.470 --> 0:09:20.310 You're right about that. 0:09:20.390 --> 0:09:24.000 And the emotional part of the bullying comes with also 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:26.920 an emotional defense that also requires tools that you have 0:09:26.940 --> 0:09:29.000 to learn at some point. So maybe you don't know 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:31.120 it at 12 years old. But at some point, you 0:09:31.140 --> 0:09:33.280 have to take ownership of that little boy who only 0:09:33.340 --> 0:09:36.340 knows to punch back. And you got to start saying, 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.719 you know what? That's hurting my feelings right now. I 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.199 don't like the way you're talking about me to anybody 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:45.449 who will listen to you about me. And I didn't 0:09:45.490 --> 0:09:49.870 have that tool as was apparent on national TV. I 0:09:49.929 --> 0:09:52.530 knew you hurt my feelings, I'm going to hurt you back, 0:09:52.550 --> 0:09:55.090 and I'm going to make you feel even smaller because 0:09:56.130 --> 0:09:56.870 I need to win. 0:09:57.850 --> 0:09:58.550 That was my goal. 0:09:59.650 --> 0:10:01.920 And I be honest with you, it took me a 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:04.780 while even after watching the show come out to even 0:10:04.860 --> 0:10:06.700 own that because there was a part of me that 0:10:06.720 --> 0:10:08.080 was like, no, no, I did the right thing. I 0:10:08.559 --> 0:10:11.180 definitely got her back. She did a zing, I did 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:13.819 a zings out. She gave me one piece, I hit 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:14.120 her with. 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:16.540 A three piece and a biscuit. She got everything in return. 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:20.849 But I also started realizing like, that's just from a 0:10:20.890 --> 0:10:23.250 place of hurt. And the part that I think that 0:10:23.490 --> 0:10:25.410 like I was sitting one day and it's hard to 0:10:25.450 --> 0:10:28.830 convey this, but it was an emotional moment where I 0:10:28.850 --> 0:10:32.290 just felt this sense of like, oh my God, like 0:10:32.350 --> 0:10:34.830 that 11 year old boy is still there inside of me. 0:10:35.550 --> 0:10:39.030 He's fighting to be heard. He's fighting to like figure 0:10:39.110 --> 0:10:43.090 out how to defend himself. and to say his piece. And, um, 0:10:43.490 --> 0:10:45.270 I had to sit there and with a couple of 0:10:45.309 --> 0:10:47.729 friends chastising me saying, Sean, you just don't get it. 0:10:48.090 --> 0:10:51.670 You don't get it. Like that, that response wouldn't, it 0:10:51.690 --> 0:10:54.370 doesn't matter what the edit was. It doesn't matter what 0:10:54.490 --> 0:10:56.170 the initial blow was. 0:10:56.240 --> 0:10:59.020 Yes. That response was you saying, I'm still hurting. 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:02.939 And so, um, Anyway, so the long version of that 0:11:03.020 --> 0:11:06.060 answer is basically you giving me this platform to share 0:11:06.100 --> 0:11:07.859 this is not about me trying to say I didn't 0:11:07.900 --> 0:11:09.720 do something wrong and not take accountability. 0:11:10.090 --> 0:11:12.689 It's about me saying, no, no, no. I think. 0:11:14.050 --> 0:11:17.070 This is a calling in some sort of like way 0:11:17.110 --> 0:11:19.430 that I think God has brought me to a platform 0:11:19.470 --> 0:11:20.870 to say, if you're going to heal. 0:11:21.130 --> 0:11:23.970 And I've given you the. 0:11:23.250 --> 0:11:26.120 Lung capacity to breathe at this altitude, so to speak, 0:11:26.460 --> 0:11:28.240 you're going to heal publicly and you're going to do 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:29.340 it with transparency. 0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:29.640 Okay. 0:11:29.820 --> 0:11:31.020 And to do it in a way that may be 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:33.100 able to bring somebody else with you along the way. 0:11:33.140 --> 0:11:34.520 And that's where I want to be. And that's what 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:37.219 I like. Because that's what Dear Future Wifey was created for. 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:41.300 I created Dear Future Wifey podcast as my personal journey 0:11:41.370 --> 0:11:44.630 to discover, uncover, and recover love. And on the podcast, 0:11:44.670 --> 0:11:46.910 I would share mistakes that I made in my past marriage, 0:11:46.950 --> 0:11:47.590 mistakes this. 0:11:47.910 --> 0:11:51.130 And I would just share my story. And so here 0:11:51.270 --> 0:11:51.930 I am today. 0:11:52.390 --> 0:11:55.270 Being hypocritical and I'll be honest with you last week 0:11:55.460 --> 0:11:57.040 or I guess that was last week when you reached 0:11:57.140 --> 0:11:59.460 out I was being hypocritical saying. 0:11:59.540 --> 0:12:01.400 I don't know if I want him to you know 0:12:01.540 --> 0:12:02.300 I don't want. 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:05.920 God said what about you yeah but but I'm just 0:12:05.940 --> 0:12:08.260 saying like but now I'm married and my wife and 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.849 I don't want her getting any what about so I 0:12:10.970 --> 0:12:13.520 so I said Let me go see chat GPT, see 0:12:13.540 --> 0:12:16.099 what it says. And then chat GPT got me together 0:12:16.380 --> 0:12:21.420 and said, listen, don't even make it about Sean. Make 0:12:21.460 --> 0:12:25.240 it about men in general to make it. Let him 0:12:25.340 --> 0:12:28.220 be the face of it as we have this conversation. 0:12:28.580 --> 0:12:32.070 But what a lot of men struggle with. And so 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:34.810 that's how we're going to impact this episode. When you 0:12:34.850 --> 0:12:37.410 hear the phrase toxic masculinity, what does it mean to you? 0:12:37.490 --> 0:12:39.590 And do you believe any of what we watch from 0:12:39.630 --> 0:12:43.390 you on Married at First Sight qualifies? Yeah, so toxic 0:12:43.450 --> 0:12:48.329 masculinity to me means, number one, being unaware. 0:12:48.130 --> 0:12:51.810 That you also have feminine energy. And every person has both. 0:12:52.370 --> 0:12:56.190 And then number two, it's this idea of trying to 0:12:56.230 --> 0:13:02.080 portray that you are impenetrable. You're unemotional. You're unable to 0:13:02.140 --> 0:13:05.949 be essentially... thwarted from your game plan. Like you have 0:13:05.990 --> 0:13:08.209 to be a certain kind of way in front of 0:13:08.270 --> 0:13:11.050 everybody to show that you're strong and unable to be broken. 0:13:11.510 --> 0:13:14.230 And the truth is we are breakable people. We are 0:13:14.410 --> 0:13:15.689 able to be broken easily. 0:13:16.130 --> 0:13:20.439 And a lot of times that toxic masculine approach is 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.939 kind of the superhero image that we get from TV 0:13:23.980 --> 0:13:26.280 growing up about how men should show up for their 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:28.319 families and their communities. And I think about even some 0:13:28.340 --> 0:13:31.010 of the most influential men in my life My godfather, 0:13:31.130 --> 0:13:33.450 who was my dude, he. 0:13:33.309 --> 0:13:35.250 Taught me basketball. He taught me sports. 0:13:35.290 --> 0:13:37.890 He taught me how to be consistent and tough and 0:13:37.929 --> 0:13:40.510 pay my bills and all these different things. He was 0:13:40.530 --> 0:13:44.050 that guy who never said two words in a public setting. 0:13:44.130 --> 0:13:46.120 He would sit by the grill and cook all day 0:13:46.170 --> 0:13:48.820 and make sure everybody was good. But he was always 0:13:48.860 --> 0:13:51.760 just kind of chill. And he had this sort of 0:13:51.780 --> 0:13:56.120 stoic approach about him. And so that was the kind 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:57.460 of guy I wanted to be. I wanted to be 0:13:57.500 --> 0:13:59.280 that cool guy in the corner who didn't say much. 0:13:59.960 --> 0:14:01.540 Little did I know I'd be talking for the rest 0:14:01.580 --> 0:14:04.740 of my life, but that's, you know, child of a 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:07.040 school teacher and a pastor. So I guess, you know, 0:14:07.070 --> 0:14:09.290 that wasn't in the cards for me, but that was 0:14:09.350 --> 0:14:12.490 what I saw as masculinity, right? That tough guy never 0:14:12.790 --> 0:14:16.450 affected non-emotional. And I think that's the only role we 0:14:16.490 --> 0:14:18.770 see in Hollywood, especially for black men. We see the 0:14:18.790 --> 0:14:21.770 guy who has to be either super tough, super egotistical 0:14:22.210 --> 0:14:22.910 or hypersexual. 0:14:22.950 --> 0:14:24.170 That's all we know right now. Facts. 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:24.910 Yeah. 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:28.600 And so did any of that show up by you 0:14:28.620 --> 0:14:32.350 on the show? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I did not. 0:14:33.750 --> 0:14:37.200 Share how hurt I was by initial comments about my 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:39.420 body and my, my, uh, appearance. 0:14:39.940 --> 0:14:42.460 Now, some things I could only see in the replay. 0:14:42.620 --> 0:14:44.940 Like I didn't know she was doing her off, off the, 0:14:45.220 --> 0:14:47.640 off the camera talks one-on-one with the camera and saying, 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:49.660 Oh yeah, he's got a dad by without the dad. 0:14:49.460 --> 0:14:51.000 Part and all these different things. 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:54.180 Um, I didn't know that was happening, but then certain 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:56.180 things I did know she would say directly to me 0:14:56.240 --> 0:15:00.150 that made me feel like, Oh, okay, well, I guess 0:15:00.170 --> 0:15:01.910 you are more worthy to be married than I am. 0:15:01.990 --> 0:15:03.410 Or you signed up for a show that was based 0:15:03.460 --> 0:15:05.680 on looks and I signed up for something different. I 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:10.180 don't know where we're at. And so the initial moment where, 0:15:10.260 --> 0:15:14.660 number one, I began to say to her, hey, I 0:15:14.710 --> 0:15:16.390 don't think, you know, the first thing I would say 0:15:16.430 --> 0:15:18.790 is that I think you're a 10 in Seattle and 0:15:18.830 --> 0:15:22.050 a seven in New York. That was something I said 0:15:22.070 --> 0:15:24.940 off camera in response to something she said. And even 0:15:24.980 --> 0:15:27.020 though she didn't claim her own, the things she said, 0:15:27.040 --> 0:15:30.330 I knew that like, Sean, the play here is not 0:15:30.350 --> 0:15:33.790 to defend what you said. It's, I said that. That's toxic. 0:15:34.190 --> 0:15:36.930 Don't rate women, especially women that you're dating or married to. 0:15:37.030 --> 0:15:41.220 That's not a good idea for a long-term relationship. 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:43.260 My wife would, 15. 0:15:43.260 --> 0:15:43.880 Right. 0:15:43.900 --> 0:15:47.360 That's right, babe. Okay. yeah yeah and. 0:15:47.180 --> 0:15:49.440 Then i would say also too like um you know 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:50.580 we had this moment where um. 0:15:50.570 --> 0:15:52.610 You know i had been feeling this sort of sexual 0:15:52.630 --> 0:15:53.310 frustration with. 0:16:05.700 --> 0:16:08.960 Her, you know, and we had all these, these buildup moments. 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:11.920 And then I wanted to share the release moments with 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:14.020 her as well, just to be as transparent as possible. 0:16:14.060 --> 0:16:16.420 I was like, we're doing all this stuff off camera. 0:16:16.660 --> 0:16:17.520 What's going on here? 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.660 Can I have this moment with you? And, um, I said, 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:22.160 this is what a wife does. I think it's just 0:16:22.210 --> 0:16:25.170 to be as a point where we should have that shared. Um, 0:16:25.770 --> 0:16:27.990 and then, um, so she said, I'm not quite there yet. 0:16:28.030 --> 0:16:30.410 And I said, totally cool. Understand that, but I'm not 0:16:30.450 --> 0:16:32.170 going to do it on my own. I'm waiting until 0:16:32.210 --> 0:16:35.280 you're ready. And then we had another date night where 0:16:35.340 --> 0:16:37.760 basically a few hours later, she's like, yeah, when you 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:39.350 brought up that it's the wifely duty for me to 0:16:39.390 --> 0:16:42.390 do this thing with you, I think that's just wrong. 0:16:42.410 --> 0:16:45.070 And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's 0:16:45.110 --> 0:16:47.750 not what I said. But the truth is, I did 0:16:47.770 --> 0:16:49.510 say that's what the wife does. And so you can 0:16:49.550 --> 0:16:52.270 interpret what a wife does as wifely duty. I didn't 0:16:52.370 --> 0:16:53.330 own that at that part. 0:16:54.490 --> 0:16:57.110 He thought you was playing a semantics game. Exactly. Playing 0:16:57.150 --> 0:17:01.630 with the words, playing around, not owning it, lying, gaslighting, 0:17:01.770 --> 0:17:02.450 all that, right? 0:17:02.930 --> 0:17:05.250 And so I went into defense mode like, no, no, no, no, no. 0:17:05.310 --> 0:17:06.670 That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm trying 0:17:06.690 --> 0:17:08.560 to say. That's not what I mean. Instead of just 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:10.470 being like, you know what? Yeah, I could hear how 0:17:10.490 --> 0:17:13.460 you heard that. And I did not present that the 0:17:13.500 --> 0:17:16.180 right way. That's on me. What I was trying to 0:17:16.220 --> 0:17:17.800 say is, are you ready to go to the next step? 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:20.080 And ask that question. But instead, I just tried to 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.300 deny defense. I wasn't wrong about that. 0:17:23.460 --> 0:17:24.000 I'm correct. 0:17:24.580 --> 0:17:28.720 And that defense was just toxic masculinity in essence, right? 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:32.080 Just saying, I didn't say that and I'm on defense 0:17:32.380 --> 0:17:33.830 and I'm not going to come off of this until 0:17:33.910 --> 0:17:36.270 I win this, this sort of back and forth game. 0:17:36.390 --> 0:17:36.910 That's good. 0:17:37.510 --> 0:17:40.230 You don't say something. Uh, not about that. All right. 0:17:40.330 --> 0:17:42.450 I want to ask you about, since we're there, I 0:17:42.550 --> 0:17:44.800 was going to save that conversation for later, but now 0:17:44.840 --> 0:17:45.280 we're here. 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:47.520 You're, you're married. 0:17:47.540 --> 0:17:50.820 And this is so interesting because you're married to a 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:55.120 total stranger and the, and, you experience the highest level 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:58.560 of commitment, how do you program your brain, because I 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:02.399 ain't never been in that situation, to not expect what 0:18:02.580 --> 0:18:07.899 would be normalized in a marriage? Because typically, you've been 0:18:07.940 --> 0:18:10.420 dating this person for X amount of months, X amount 0:18:10.460 --> 0:18:13.790 of years, whatever, and that's just a natural progression. If 0:18:13.830 --> 0:18:17.929 y'all were abstinent throughout your whole marriage, everybody expect when 0:18:17.950 --> 0:18:21.939 you get married, you're going to have sex. So as 0:18:21.980 --> 0:18:24.120 an expectation, no one is like, what? 0:18:24.140 --> 0:18:25.070 You expect to have sex with me? 0:18:25.430 --> 0:18:29.250 But in that situation, it's hard to expect it. But 0:18:29.270 --> 0:18:33.750 your brain has to be rewired because you're doing something 0:18:33.790 --> 0:18:35.430 that's out of timing. 0:18:35.450 --> 0:18:37.420 Yeah, you just met him. Yeah, you just met him. 0:18:37.820 --> 0:18:40.859 It's like, how do you... Because we don't know. We 0:18:40.900 --> 0:18:41.960 ain't never experienced nothing like that. 0:18:42.300 --> 0:18:42.920 How do you. 0:18:43.930 --> 0:18:48.409 explain how your brain is in direct opposition with what's 0:18:48.510 --> 0:18:51.730 normal and then what's abnormal in this situation? 0:18:51.750 --> 0:18:54.530 That's a great question because it's still a new person, right? 0:18:54.590 --> 0:18:56.609 I'm like, I don't even know you. What's your middle name? 0:18:56.630 --> 0:18:57.270 I don't know. 0:18:57.290 --> 0:19:00.629 And let me just say, when you met her, Um, 0:19:00.750 --> 0:19:02.560 cause we, we got to watch a lot of, of 0:19:02.619 --> 0:19:05.679 the season. Um, but I thought you were so, um, 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:08.399 you were such a gentleman in the beginning in terms 0:19:08.540 --> 0:19:10.660 of you were, I think you even asked her, like, 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:12.220 is it okay if I kiss you? 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:13.139 Is it okay if I touch you? 0:19:13.160 --> 0:19:15.480 Is it okay if I touch you? And so I, 0:19:15.660 --> 0:19:17.149 I thought that was really stand up of you. 0:19:17.220 --> 0:19:18.619 Thank you. I appreciate it. 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:21.310 Um, I think, you know, it's funny depending on whether 0:19:21.330 --> 0:19:24.480 you're team Nikki or team Sean in the chats. One 0:19:24.520 --> 0:19:26.359 side is like, he's so thirsty. The other side is like, 0:19:26.380 --> 0:19:29.200 he's so respectful, right? It just depends on how you 0:19:29.220 --> 0:19:33.120 see it. And I'm like, I lived in New York. 0:19:33.140 --> 0:19:37.369 I promise I'm not that thirsty, y'all. 0:19:37.430 --> 0:19:42.770 I'm not going to go there. But yes, the mindset 0:19:42.810 --> 0:19:44.750 when jumping into that. 0:19:44.830 --> 0:19:48.150 Oh, I'm gonna get in trouble on this pod um 0:19:48.670 --> 0:19:52.770 the mindset is definitely like um okay I'm committed right 0:19:52.850 --> 0:19:55.390 so I already like I even decided we're gonna jump 0:19:55.430 --> 0:19:58.450 the brooms instead of counting on just the ceremony as 0:19:58.470 --> 0:20:00.340 the marriage because the jump the broom to me meant 0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:02.940 more so when I did the jump the broom my 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:06.160 set my mindset um with my mentors my my parents 0:20:06.240 --> 0:20:09.160 my you know my siblings okay we're locked in we're 0:20:09.180 --> 0:20:11.810 doing this And I'm going to treat this like we 0:20:11.930 --> 0:20:14.510 are going to make it, right? So I'm literally just 0:20:14.550 --> 0:20:17.369 being vulnerable and transparent and saying everything that comes to 0:20:17.410 --> 0:20:20.540 my mind on national TV, anytime it came to my mind. 0:20:20.940 --> 0:20:24.260 And I would say also, too, with that, you know, 0:20:24.300 --> 0:20:26.300 because it was so new, the reason why I was 0:20:26.420 --> 0:20:28.159 asking questions in the beginning, can I touch you? 0:20:28.220 --> 0:20:29.800 Can I kiss you? Can I do that? I just 0:20:29.820 --> 0:20:31.260 wanted to gauge your comfort level, right? 0:20:31.280 --> 0:20:31.460 Right. 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:34.119 So even that first night, there's a comment about 69, 0:20:34.119 --> 0:20:37.630 the temperature of the room, right? And I'm like, we 0:20:37.650 --> 0:20:38.950 come in the room. I'm like, I'm ready to go 0:20:38.990 --> 0:20:40.590 to bed. They're like, no, no, no, we got to 0:20:40.810 --> 0:20:42.730 film a little bit more. We got to, you know, 0:20:42.750 --> 0:20:44.210 what are you guys going to do tonight sexually? 0:20:44.250 --> 0:20:45.770 And I'm like, nothing. 0:20:45.790 --> 0:20:47.840 And then so they're like, no, no, no, you have 0:20:47.859 --> 0:20:49.219 to say it like it's your own thing. 0:20:49.980 --> 0:20:52.020 Like, so what are we going to do tonight, right? 0:20:52.060 --> 0:20:53.860 And I'm just making a joke, trying to make light 0:20:53.900 --> 0:20:58.830 of it. And obviously, it's wrong joke, wrong tone, missed everything, right? 0:20:58.850 --> 0:21:01.150 But she said it too. See, this is what I'm 0:21:01.190 --> 0:21:04.250 telling you. I'm telling you. I'm going to try to 0:21:04.270 --> 0:21:09.210 have this conversation without... feeling emotional about how people, you 0:21:09.230 --> 0:21:12.500 can say one thing, but she can say it, but you. 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:12.919 Can't say it. 0:21:13.240 --> 0:21:16.619 In that same part, when you said that, she said, yeah, 0:21:16.900 --> 0:21:19.340 I feel like he's doing, you know, that's a little 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:21.640 too forward, this, whatever. But then she comes back around 0:21:21.660 --> 0:21:23.610 and say, but 69 is my favorite position. 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:24.570 Yeah, she did say that. 0:21:26.450 --> 0:21:28.690 What like she said that on camera and I said 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:30.860 oh so when I heard her saying that I was 0:21:30.900 --> 0:21:33.800 like oh there's hope here they're going to she can 0:21:33.859 --> 0:21:36.720 joke like that he can joke like that she doesn't 0:21:36.740 --> 0:21:39.550 like you joking to her directly like that but she 0:21:39.590 --> 0:21:42.090 can joke to the camera like that so I said I. 0:21:42.050 --> 0:21:44.050 Want to watch this dynamic to see how this. 0:21:43.950 --> 0:21:47.290 Plays out because I was like She's offended by you 0:21:47.330 --> 0:21:50.170 saying it, but she can say it to the world. Like, 0:21:50.190 --> 0:21:52.850 she said it to us. And I said, okay, she 0:21:52.890 --> 0:21:53.670 got a little. 0:21:53.750 --> 0:21:55.490 You know. Yeah, that's the question, Mark. 0:21:55.520 --> 0:21:58.320 And I think, you know, I'm only here to take 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:02.639 accountability for my responsibility. That's number one. And I also think, too, 0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:05.970 you know, to a degree, if... There are certain people, 0:22:05.990 --> 0:22:08.480 I've seen this before where, and you should, we've all 0:22:08.500 --> 0:22:11.659 seen this, but where somebody is attracted to someone and 0:22:11.680 --> 0:22:13.080 they can say the craziest thing. 0:22:13.119 --> 0:22:13.600 I was told of that. 0:22:13.640 --> 0:22:14.659 I told of that. 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:15.920 And they'd be like, oh. 0:22:16.020 --> 0:22:21.080 Johnny, you just, you just won a threesome in the office. 0:22:21.220 --> 0:22:22.220 Oh my God, Johnny. 0:22:22.580 --> 0:22:22.780 Right. 0:22:23.300 --> 0:22:26.909 And so that's one. And then, and then here comes. 0:22:26.850 --> 0:22:30.430 Gabriel down, down the street and says the same thing. 0:22:31.090 --> 0:22:31.790 Right away. 0:22:31.970 --> 0:22:32.710 Immediately. Right. 0:22:32.750 --> 0:22:34.109 So we know there is a little bit of a 0:22:34.150 --> 0:22:34.790 double standard. 0:22:34.810 --> 0:22:35.590 Yeah. 0:22:35.770 --> 0:22:37.210 And so I do, there's a part of me that 0:22:37.290 --> 0:22:39.429 wonders if she were more attracted to me, if that 0:22:39.450 --> 0:22:42.730 would have been maybe a funnier joke. But I also 0:22:42.800 --> 0:22:45.959 think too, like, you know, if my job was to 0:22:46.080 --> 0:22:49.460 gauge where she was at and I didn't engage that properly, 0:22:49.520 --> 0:22:51.540 regardless of whatever her response is, and that's on me 0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:54.200 to make sure that, I'm gauging better going forward. 0:22:54.300 --> 0:22:56.500 Right. Um, so yeah, I learned from that moment. 0:22:56.960 --> 0:23:01.720 I guess just, um, thinking of like the physical moments, 0:23:01.760 --> 0:23:05.660 there was like this scene where, um, she talked about 0:23:05.859 --> 0:23:08.120 you guys were, I think to start starting to warm 0:23:08.200 --> 0:23:11.679 up to each other and maybe engaging in like some kisses. Um, 0:23:12.000 --> 0:23:16.340 and I thought, um, just obviously knowing men, I thought 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:20.350 that you might've had like an internal response to that, 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:24.320 even though it seemed like on camera, you remained pretty optimistic, 0:23:24.359 --> 0:23:26.600 but I can imagine because you were like, Hey, I 0:23:26.640 --> 0:23:29.659 think we're vibing here. I thought this was going in 0:23:29.700 --> 0:23:32.530 a good direction. And that, well, I just kind of 0:23:32.550 --> 0:23:35.210 want you to walk us through what happened in that 0:23:35.270 --> 0:23:36.729 moment and what were you feeling? 0:23:36.970 --> 0:23:40.530 Yeah. Ooh, that was a surprise for me. 0:23:40.850 --> 0:23:43.550 And so I think the camera caught my surprise literally 0:23:43.590 --> 0:23:48.740 real time. But essentially, you know, I, I have never 0:23:48.820 --> 0:23:52.030 been accused of, you know, there's a lot of people 0:23:52.109 --> 0:23:54.770 who have come out since this show online saying they've 0:23:54.810 --> 0:23:57.910 dated me or they've matched with me on a website 0:23:57.970 --> 0:23:59.130 or a hinge or something. 0:23:59.730 --> 0:24:00.910 And, um, that's true. 0:24:00.970 --> 0:24:02.450 Like in New York, I've gone on a lot of 0:24:02.490 --> 0:24:04.770 dates and we know, but none of those people were 0:24:04.810 --> 0:24:06.210 people I was in relationships with, right. 0:24:06.670 --> 0:24:09.609 The people I was in relationships with, I wouldn't. 0:24:09.390 --> 0:24:11.929 Say they've ever accused me of being like thirsty or 0:24:11.990 --> 0:24:14.449 like coming on too strong or physically aggressive. And it's 0:24:14.470 --> 0:24:17.899 never been my style. Um, and I'm really, truly a sapiosexual. 0:24:17.920 --> 0:24:19.630 I'm like, I'm a super nerd. I had two books 0:24:19.690 --> 0:24:21.030 out there reading while I'm waiting for y'all. 0:24:21.109 --> 0:24:21.310 Right. 0:24:22.109 --> 0:24:27.240 Um, and so, um, with, when I, um, was asking 0:24:27.280 --> 0:24:29.320 permission the first couple of days of the marriage and 0:24:29.359 --> 0:24:31.620 just gauging where we're at and, um, We started sharing 0:24:31.660 --> 0:24:34.479 some kisses on our travels. And when we got to 0:24:34.510 --> 0:24:37.270 the actual honeymoon, I mean, we're in an $ 18, 000 a 0:24:38.390 --> 0:24:42.050 day honeymoon suite, right? And we're having room service and everything. 0:24:42.270 --> 0:24:45.050 Like the romance is just blooming because of just the 0:24:45.090 --> 0:24:48.380 environment we're in. So we're sharing kisses. We're like feeding 0:24:48.390 --> 0:24:50.080 each other food. We're doing all these things that are 0:24:50.100 --> 0:24:51.300 not on camera, right? 0:24:52.000 --> 0:24:52.620 And then. 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:56.360 All of a sudden one night, she's like, oh yeah, 0:24:56.380 --> 0:24:58.020 just so you know, I'm not attracted to you. 0:24:58.400 --> 0:25:02.470 And I'm just like, What? Okay. So why are you 0:25:02.520 --> 0:25:02.919 kissing me? 0:25:03.180 --> 0:25:05.180 Why are you holding my hand? Why are you doing 0:25:05.200 --> 0:25:09.950 the things that indicate attraction? Now, I can say that. 0:25:11.450 --> 0:25:14.280 There's a nearsighted part of me that realizes that maybe 0:25:14.359 --> 0:25:17.420 she was trying and she was really trying to like 0:25:17.520 --> 0:25:20.540 lean into certain things by trying by kissing and trying 0:25:20.580 --> 0:25:22.860 by that. And my ego in that moment was like, 0:25:23.100 --> 0:25:24.869 Oh girl, but if you're not attracted to me, I 0:25:24.880 --> 0:25:27.650 don't know where desire just all of a sudden grows overnight. 0:25:27.790 --> 0:25:30.410 I don't see desire growing either you desire or not. 0:25:30.890 --> 0:25:32.910 And to me, desire is also a state of mind 0:25:32.990 --> 0:25:35.899 more than just a physical feeling, right? Because then If 0:25:35.920 --> 0:25:37.219 the feeling is gone, are you just going to quit 0:25:37.260 --> 0:25:40.340 your husband every time your desire is gone? So when 0:25:40.380 --> 0:25:44.580 I realized that she wasn't feeling that attraction, that was 0:25:44.720 --> 0:25:48.010 hurtful to me. And I felt this sense of just like, okay, well, 0:25:48.450 --> 0:25:52.520 why am I... trying to make this emotional, physical connection 0:25:52.560 --> 0:25:54.820 with this woman who just seems like she doesn't want 0:25:54.840 --> 0:25:57.780 to be here. And that really just made me feel like, okay, well, 0:25:58.140 --> 0:26:00.540 let me back off completely, right? So for about the 0:26:00.580 --> 0:26:03.100 next week or two, I just kind of like backed 0:26:03.220 --> 0:26:05.800 off of just a lot of physical connection and contact. 0:26:07.260 --> 0:26:10.860 And I think it was, yeah, a response of hurt 0:26:11.000 --> 0:26:13.340 from that place of just like, well, if you're not 0:26:13.380 --> 0:26:15.679 really doing this for real, you're not really feeling it. 0:26:16.530 --> 0:26:19.090 why does it feel like when we are actually kissing, 0:26:19.130 --> 0:26:21.609 like there is actual chemistry? Why does it feel like 0:26:21.630 --> 0:26:25.100 there is actual connection? If you're saying out loud, you 0:26:25.130 --> 0:26:28.060 don't feel that, why does it feel that? And that's 0:26:28.080 --> 0:26:29.740 the part that I can't, and later in the season, 0:26:29.760 --> 0:26:32.420 there's another moment that kind of reveals like, another moment 0:26:32.460 --> 0:26:35.429 that feels like, I'm like, yeah, the chemistry is what 0:26:35.450 --> 0:26:37.530 I'm thinking that it is. But you keep saying it's 0:26:37.570 --> 0:26:39.830 not out loud. And I just can't understand the difference 0:26:39.850 --> 0:26:40.710 between that. 0:26:40.990 --> 0:26:44.090 I think that that was the tension that she was 0:26:44.250 --> 0:26:49.230 trying to, like she said, the initial attraction wasn't there. 0:26:49.250 --> 0:26:52.590 And she admitted that she's a sapiosexual as well. So 0:26:52.710 --> 0:26:56.670 she felt like, hey, maybe not. Because I remember in 0:26:57.190 --> 0:27:00.340 the interviews that they had before they matched. 0:27:00.660 --> 0:27:06.450 And she was like, hey, listen, I want... I'm a sapiosexual, basically. 0:27:06.490 --> 0:27:07.110 I can get there. 0:27:07.750 --> 0:27:10.310 If the initial attraction isn't there, we get to talk 0:27:10.350 --> 0:27:12.330 and build on something. He provides safety in my life. 0:27:12.369 --> 0:27:15.709 He can get there. So I believe that it was 0:27:15.790 --> 0:27:18.890 in those moments that she started feeling safe that made 0:27:18.950 --> 0:27:21.790 her kiss you, that made her lean in. And then 0:27:21.850 --> 0:27:24.609 the moments that if there's and you're right about this, 0:27:24.910 --> 0:27:29.760 that if a woman isn't initially attracted to you, they'll 0:27:29.780 --> 0:27:32.300 look for any reason for it. You don't get a 0:27:32.320 --> 0:27:34.659 lot of grace. So it's like, oh, no, you did this. 0:27:34.680 --> 0:27:37.100 You're like, no, but I did an episode of people 0:27:37.140 --> 0:27:38.900 want to go back to it at the very thing. 0:27:38.920 --> 0:27:43.899 Season one with Raquel Wesson. And she said that. if 0:27:43.980 --> 0:27:46.639 she finds a guy attractive, she'll let him get away 0:27:46.700 --> 0:27:49.620 with a lot. I'm talking about, I mean, and she says, 0:27:49.660 --> 0:27:51.939 and I fell out laughing, and she said, but you 0:27:52.000 --> 0:27:54.689 can't be unattractive and try to do anything to me, 0:27:54.700 --> 0:27:56.030 because I'm going to be like, I know your ugly 0:27:56.050 --> 0:27:58.250 stuff ain't just, you know, and I said, why would 0:27:58.270 --> 0:27:58.729 you say that? 0:27:58.750 --> 0:28:00.530 She said, no, you can't be ugly and cheap. You 0:28:00.550 --> 0:28:01.170 know what I'm saying? 0:28:01.190 --> 0:28:04.410 You be like, what? I was crying laughing on the episode. 0:28:04.450 --> 0:28:04.950 Oh my gosh. 0:28:04.970 --> 0:28:06.649 But she was saying that a guy that she finds 0:28:06.690 --> 0:28:09.340 really attractive, she let him get by with some stuff 0:28:09.380 --> 0:28:10.040 he didn't roll. 0:28:10.060 --> 0:28:10.399 Yeah. 0:28:10.480 --> 0:28:12.600 And I just, I said, thank you for being honest 0:28:12.640 --> 0:28:13.219 like that. Yeah. 0:28:13.440 --> 0:28:16.180 And so we guys do the same thing too, right? 0:28:16.200 --> 0:28:17.920 We find a woman that's really gorgeous. 0:28:18.260 --> 0:28:23.129 We might let her just conveniently forget her wallet for everything. 0:28:22.930 --> 0:28:23.550 In the world. 0:28:23.570 --> 0:28:24.629 She doesn't have to be that smart. 0:28:24.650 --> 0:28:25.190 Yeah. 0:28:25.250 --> 0:28:25.490 Yeah. 0:28:26.270 --> 0:28:27.070 Yeah, yeah. 0:28:27.390 --> 0:28:29.190 I don't know what she's talking about over there, but 0:28:29.230 --> 0:28:31.550 you know. She's just looking. She's not talking about it. 0:28:31.550 --> 0:28:32.020 She look good. 0:28:33.140 --> 0:28:33.740 Yeah. 0:28:34.020 --> 0:28:37.199 And so that's the reality. That's that, I'm going to 0:28:37.220 --> 0:28:40.100 call that beauty bias. You know what I'm saying? That 0:28:40.120 --> 0:28:42.640 we have a tendency to look at something and be like, well. 0:28:43.090 --> 0:28:45.910 And then, so what you felt, I feel like was 0:28:46.710 --> 0:28:49.450 the real emotion of her in the real time where 0:28:49.510 --> 0:28:52.160 she's saying, If you give me this, because now I'm 0:28:52.180 --> 0:28:53.920 going to tell you this, and me and Ashley talked 0:28:53.940 --> 0:28:58.490 about this. Have you ever saw a guy, and I 0:28:58.530 --> 0:29:01.180 know you don't judge guys' appearance, but just say you 0:29:01.220 --> 0:29:03.040 saw a guy that you thought was. 0:29:04.380 --> 0:29:07.360 far more far far. 0:29:07.260 --> 0:29:10.620 Less attractive than this beautiful woman the first thing you 0:29:10.640 --> 0:29:12.480 probably said and they were together you'd be like oh 0:29:12.500 --> 0:29:13.320 he got money. 0:29:13.100 --> 0:29:16.000 He got money yeah yeah it's the it's the hot 0:29:16.040 --> 0:29:19.920 crazy matrix you guys know about that it's called the 0:29:19.940 --> 0:29:22.000 hot crazy matrix so this is a youtube video it's 0:29:22.220 --> 0:29:25.420 viral um from like 10 years ago that basically talked 0:29:25.460 --> 0:29:28.270 about like why do men date women and why do 0:29:28.310 --> 0:29:30.630 women date men and basically for the guy it's like 0:29:31.120 --> 0:29:32.480 the hot and crazy scale. 0:29:32.760 --> 0:29:35.000 I can't even. 0:29:34.820 --> 0:29:36.670 Go into it, because that'll get me canceled too. 0:29:36.710 --> 0:29:40.040 But basically, it's saying though the more attractive a woman 0:29:40.160 --> 0:29:42.660 is the crazier she might be able to get away 0:29:42.700 --> 0:29:44.660 with right and so it's like she can be like 0:29:44.680 --> 0:29:46.959 an eight or nine hot you know and that means 0:29:46.980 --> 0:29:48.190 she's allowed to be up to like a five or 0:29:48.210 --> 0:29:51.110 six crazy you know she's like a six hot she 0:29:51.130 --> 0:29:52.910 gotta be like a three or four crazy right so 0:29:53.210 --> 0:29:55.070 and then they say the opposite for the guys it's 0:29:55.110 --> 0:29:58.310 like he better make some money. If he's not attractive, 0:29:58.330 --> 0:30:00.270 he's either hot or he's got a lot of money. 0:30:00.350 --> 0:30:02.800 But that's typically some of the guy's arguments in the 0:30:02.910 --> 0:30:04.390 locker room you hear, you know, for sure. 0:30:04.430 --> 0:30:05.040 Which is true. 0:30:05.380 --> 0:30:09.780 But what if that guy did not have money and 0:30:09.820 --> 0:30:12.020 what we don't get a chance to hear is that 0:30:12.060 --> 0:30:16.970 this guy that may be commercially not as attractive and 0:30:17.020 --> 0:30:20.260 this woman that's commercially attractive and I hate any of 0:30:20.300 --> 0:30:23.840 those languages I just use but just give reference what 0:30:23.940 --> 0:30:25.540 if if you got a chance to talk to that 0:30:25.600 --> 0:30:28.050 couple that you saw sitting across the table and he 0:30:28.090 --> 0:30:30.450 said oh actually I don't make a lot of money 0:30:31.170 --> 0:30:33.450 you know what I did I was able to provide 0:30:33.510 --> 0:30:35.950 something for her that the men with money wasn't able 0:30:35.970 --> 0:30:38.590 to And she found the safety in me when she 0:30:39.630 --> 0:30:40.860 went through this in her life. 0:30:41.020 --> 0:30:43.460 I was there when when this happened, I was there. 0:30:43.720 --> 0:30:46.240 And she said, you know what? The more I keep 0:30:46.290 --> 0:30:49.450 hanging around you, the more attractive that you look to me. 0:30:50.030 --> 0:30:53.250 And it's like, what if that's the scenario? So what 0:30:53.330 --> 0:30:56.210 I always like to debunk is what is the loudest. 0:30:56.550 --> 0:30:58.730 So the loudest is, yeah, the videos you're talking about. 0:30:58.770 --> 0:31:00.730 The loudest is the woman that gets on and say, 0:31:00.770 --> 0:31:02.060 if you're going to be ugly, you better have a 0:31:02.100 --> 0:31:02.560 bunch of money. 0:31:02.880 --> 0:31:05.260 And then that goes viral. And dudes be like, dang, 0:31:05.360 --> 0:31:05.980 that's messed up. 0:31:06.140 --> 0:31:09.740 Yeah. Or even without removing women out the equation. 0:31:09.760 --> 0:31:13.200 Mm-hmm. What I grew up seeing in rap. 0:31:13.020 --> 0:31:17.920 Videos and music videos was the guy with the fancy cars, 0:31:18.120 --> 0:31:21.480 jewelry everywhere. And he had a bunch of beautiful women 0:31:21.550 --> 0:31:23.969 around him. And then so what that does to the 0:31:24.010 --> 0:31:25.770 psychology of a young male is. 0:31:25.950 --> 0:31:27.950 Oh, if I can get money, I can get all that. Yeah. 0:31:28.150 --> 0:31:29.890 If I get money, I can get all that. 0:31:30.130 --> 0:31:32.550 And so the dude, what's the first thing he does 0:31:32.690 --> 0:31:34.130 growing up in the hood? He's going to be like, well, 0:31:34.150 --> 0:31:35.370 let me go sell some drugs. 0:31:35.390 --> 0:31:35.470 Yeah. 0:31:35.710 --> 0:31:37.390 So he started trying to sell that so he can 0:31:37.610 --> 0:31:40.050 get the money, get all the women or whatever. And 0:31:40.070 --> 0:31:42.930 that's why I want to debunk that and say, hold on. 0:31:43.880 --> 0:31:47.380 There is a large importance on emotional growth. 0:31:48.130 --> 0:31:49.090 Yes. 0:31:49.490 --> 0:31:53.260 And creating a safety for a woman to where what she... 0:31:53.360 --> 0:31:55.300 Because that's what I really want to see if I was, 0:31:55.500 --> 0:31:57.760 you know, be straight up honest with you. Yeah. Because 0:31:57.800 --> 0:32:00.820 I want to see this woman who initially said... I'm 0:32:00.840 --> 0:32:03.320 not attracted to you like that. And you woo her 0:32:03.500 --> 0:32:06.280 over with, with, with, with, with your mind that you 0:32:06.300 --> 0:32:08.540 got game to be able to spit game and talk 0:32:08.580 --> 0:32:10.770 to her. And, and, and I say game as a, 0:32:10.920 --> 0:32:12.730 not that you're playing games, but the fact that you 0:32:12.750 --> 0:32:15.469 got this, this, this aura that you like, baby, that 0:32:15.490 --> 0:32:16.170 don't even bother me. 0:32:16.210 --> 0:32:19.110 We married now. So I got, how long is that? 0:32:19.190 --> 0:32:21.490 Eight weeks. It was about a six week project. So 0:32:21.610 --> 0:32:23.130 I got six weeks. 0:32:22.810 --> 0:32:24.990 To make you say, yes, I'm gonna stay married to you. 0:32:25.010 --> 0:32:25.760 I already got you. 0:32:25.890 --> 0:32:27.720 Yeah, well, you point out a couple of things and 0:32:27.800 --> 0:32:29.820 I just want to briefly go over one or two. 0:32:29.920 --> 0:32:33.870 So basically, you talk about the security that comes from 0:32:34.620 --> 0:32:36.610 even just the money, right? So a lot of times, 0:32:36.650 --> 0:32:39.030 even I think when people say I'm attracted to him 0:32:39.070 --> 0:32:41.570 because of the money, it's really a lot of times 0:32:41.650 --> 0:32:45.410 really can be interpreted through emotional intelligence as actually it's ambition. 0:32:45.790 --> 0:32:49.590 It's actually drive. It's actually that hustle spirit, right? And 0:32:49.610 --> 0:32:52.090 so it's the things that might make that person keep 0:32:52.170 --> 0:32:54.050 getting money, no matter what position they're in. 0:32:54.110 --> 0:32:55.770 Like I come from hustlers. 0:32:55.790 --> 0:32:58.530 So I know that I lost my job from this 0:32:58.590 --> 0:33:01.590 show and I know that wherever I land next, I'm 0:33:01.610 --> 0:33:04.940 going to be hustling and doing something amazing because I 0:33:05.030 --> 0:33:05.640 work hard. 0:33:07.170 --> 0:33:10.250 You can't put me down. And I believe in my self-esteem. 0:33:10.290 --> 0:33:13.310 Like, I think I have been lucky to come from 0:33:13.370 --> 0:33:16.730 two parents who instilled in me that I can do anything, right? 0:33:16.770 --> 0:33:18.410 So that will breed money. 0:33:18.770 --> 0:33:20.750 And so no matter where I go, I do think 0:33:20.770 --> 0:33:23.830 that even though I'm 5'6, and I'm like, you know, 0:33:24.050 --> 0:33:27.130 maybe a short stocky NFL running back type of body. 0:33:26.890 --> 0:33:29.510 Type, whatever. Okay, that may be Pee Wee League, whatever. 0:33:29.530 --> 0:33:30.650 Let's go high school. 0:33:32.580 --> 0:33:34.040 Pop Warner, little Pop Warner. 0:33:34.060 --> 0:33:36.900 Pop Warner. JV. JV, JV. 0:33:37.140 --> 0:33:41.670 Even though I got this lack of hairline, whatever, it 0:33:41.710 --> 0:33:43.950 don't matter because when I start working and I start 0:33:44.050 --> 0:33:46.970 communicating and I start showing that I put work into 0:33:47.010 --> 0:33:49.770 myself every day, I think it ends up attracting somebody 0:33:49.790 --> 0:33:51.170 who has a similar spirit, right? 0:33:51.190 --> 0:33:51.260 Yes. 0:33:51.690 --> 0:33:53.900 So when you talk about emotional intelligence for me and 0:33:53.940 --> 0:33:56.980 that sense of attraction, why we attract who we attract, Well, 0:33:57.360 --> 0:34:00.480 to me, all the things that keep the relationships together 0:34:00.580 --> 0:34:02.640 are typically internally driven, right? 0:34:02.660 --> 0:34:03.020 That part. 0:34:03.160 --> 0:34:06.820 And the parts that just go away are that exterior, da-da-da, 0:34:06.920 --> 0:34:10.299 or the money, da-da-da. And so the people who I 0:34:10.320 --> 0:34:13.480 think are the happiest might be that conventionally good-looking woman 0:34:13.520 --> 0:34:16.760 and that average-looking man, but they probably will talk about 0:34:16.800 --> 0:34:19.490 how they probably talk and communicate with safety. 0:34:19.510 --> 0:34:19.830 Absolutely. 0:34:19.850 --> 0:34:22.350 They probably have a sense of openness and trust. They 0:34:22.370 --> 0:34:24.850 probably have consistency in how they show up for each other, 0:34:24.890 --> 0:34:28.290 their character's high. integrity is high, pay their bills on time, whatever. Right. 0:34:28.330 --> 0:34:30.660 So that's the kind of thing that I'm drawn to. 0:34:30.820 --> 0:34:33.500 And I think that like, I'm learning from this process 0:34:33.600 --> 0:34:37.649 is that you cannot equate anything externally with the true 0:34:37.930 --> 0:34:39.830 person of who they are inside. And so what I'm 0:34:39.850 --> 0:34:42.790 looking for now is, It's just how was a person 0:34:42.830 --> 0:34:45.310 that I'm attracted to and how as well as me, 0:34:46.570 --> 0:34:50.550 how am I fortifying the internal core box of values 0:34:50.930 --> 0:34:53.390 that really drive my decision making and how I show 0:34:53.450 --> 0:34:56.360 up every day? Because when I get that straight away 0:34:56.400 --> 0:34:58.480 and clear that I feel like it's naturally going to 0:34:58.540 --> 0:35:00.680 breed a community of people like that. 0:35:01.000 --> 0:35:03.339 Let me ask you this before we get too far 0:35:03.400 --> 0:35:07.200 from this. What did that trigger in you when she... 0:35:07.320 --> 0:35:10.280 I was going to say, because. 0:35:09.320 --> 0:35:11.629 Rejection and toxic masculinity go hand in hand. 0:35:11.670 --> 0:35:13.890 Yeah, they go hand in hand. And you said, I'm 0:35:13.930 --> 0:35:18.850 very secure with this. You know that you're secure in stuff. 0:35:19.070 --> 0:35:21.110 And a lot of stuff that you're saying is that 0:35:21.850 --> 0:35:23.950 how driven you are and all that stuff. But what 0:35:23.989 --> 0:35:27.680 did that do from a rejection standpoint? What did that 0:35:27.760 --> 0:35:31.319 trigger when she said, oh, I'm not sexually attracted to you? 0:35:31.440 --> 0:35:32.739 Yeah, man. 0:35:33.730 --> 0:35:37.230 That probably brought up that 11-year-old boy who was sitting 0:35:37.270 --> 0:35:39.950 there waiting for that girl that he liked from church 0:35:40.310 --> 0:35:42.029 just to look his way. 0:35:42.590 --> 0:35:46.730 I can think really to that specific moment. 0:35:46.890 --> 0:35:49.860 And I remember being like, I will do all the 0:35:49.930 --> 0:35:51.640 things that I need to do so that I cannot 0:35:51.680 --> 0:35:54.279 be rejected from any conversation in any table. Let me 0:35:54.300 --> 0:35:56.640 go get this doctorate. Let me go play these sports. 0:35:56.700 --> 0:36:01.620 Let me go be great at music. And then somebody said, no, 0:36:01.660 --> 0:36:02.440 I still don't want you. 0:36:02.460 --> 0:36:06.290 Yeah. Yeah. Shot to the heart. 0:36:06.710 --> 0:36:07.490 Facts. 0:36:07.550 --> 0:36:08.230 It's a dagger. 0:36:08.410 --> 0:36:08.810 It hurt. 0:36:10.090 --> 0:36:14.290 And that little boy was reemerged like, okay, let me 0:36:14.330 --> 0:36:17.319 do everything I can do to show you what you're 0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:20.259 missing out on and show you that I'm stronger, I'm better, 0:36:20.300 --> 0:36:23.390 I'm faster. And it lashed out in those comments. It 0:36:23.430 --> 0:36:25.890 lashed out in the rating her. It lashed out in 0:36:25.950 --> 0:36:29.649 the gaslighting moment. It lashed out in the, you know, 0:36:30.570 --> 0:36:33.930 let me prove to you that I am somebody who 0:36:34.050 --> 0:36:34.840 is desirable. 0:36:35.390 --> 0:36:37.100 And I'll even go as far as this. 0:36:37.300 --> 0:36:41.400 And this is definitely probably typically not typical show conversation 0:36:41.440 --> 0:36:41.799 for y'all. 0:36:42.180 --> 0:36:45.980 But even like sexually, right? I dated so many people. 0:36:46.700 --> 0:36:49.520 In New York. And I knew that I had special 0:36:49.580 --> 0:36:51.520 gifts and talents in that area. 0:36:51.540 --> 0:36:52.000 Right. 0:36:52.140 --> 0:36:52.390 So. 0:36:52.410 --> 0:36:58.129 No, no, we talk about this. Straight up. Like, that's... 0:36:58.690 --> 0:36:59.870 I really hated that moment. 0:37:00.030 --> 0:37:02.009 I had asked the network to not show me coming 0:37:02.050 --> 0:37:06.180 out of the bedroom in a robe. But that moment 0:37:06.300 --> 0:37:08.200 was a moment that was like. 0:37:09.760 --> 0:37:12.300 That reminded me that, like, there was a part of 0:37:12.340 --> 0:37:15.140 me that used to be prideful on that part. 0:37:15.219 --> 0:37:17.590 That was, like, how I won the girl. That's the 0:37:17.610 --> 0:37:18.910 reason why I want to talk about that. That's how 0:37:18.930 --> 0:37:20.990 I won the girl. Like, okay, you don't like me, huh? 0:37:21.510 --> 0:37:23.069 You don't like me, huh? Then meet me in bed. 0:37:23.090 --> 0:37:23.489 Got you. 0:37:23.510 --> 0:37:24.430 And I'm going to change your mind. 0:37:24.450 --> 0:37:26.170 Yeah, let me show you what I can do, right? 0:37:26.190 --> 0:37:26.350 Right. 0:37:26.890 --> 0:37:29.870 And that's part of the same toxic masculine, the same 0:37:29.969 --> 0:37:30.750 exact thing. 0:37:30.770 --> 0:37:34.120 And so this is the reason why I don't... shy 0:37:34.160 --> 0:37:37.680 away from any conversations. That's necessary because a lot of 0:37:38.120 --> 0:37:42.130 black men try to use that as a value system. 0:37:42.430 --> 0:37:44.650 Be like, I would hear dudes. 0:37:45.230 --> 0:37:47.310 We'll talk to each other, be like, she ain't give me, 0:37:47.330 --> 0:37:49.190 she ain't give me a time of day, but once 0:37:49.270 --> 0:37:51.810 I get an opportunity, I'm a, I'm a mess. I'm 0:37:51.830 --> 0:37:54.150 gonna get a mind. Then I'm gonna get it. And 0:37:54.250 --> 0:37:55.950 once I get this, I'm gonna have a sprung. I'm 0:37:55.969 --> 0:37:58.790 gonna have, and it's like, it's, this is challenged to 0:37:58.989 --> 0:38:04.250 actually use, uh, um, sex as a weapon to control. 0:38:04.630 --> 0:38:08.320 And it's like, but if we go back, to master 0:38:08.540 --> 0:38:11.820 in slavery, that's what they will use us to procreate. 0:38:11.860 --> 0:38:13.819 Get the strongest one, go get him, get him so 0:38:13.840 --> 0:38:16.620 he can get strong. And it's like, we haven't gotten 0:38:16.760 --> 0:38:20.120 healed from that mindset yet. And so that's the reason 0:38:20.160 --> 0:38:24.549 why I love to have these conversations because most men, 0:38:25.030 --> 0:38:27.370 That I know. That's what we say. We've been saying 0:38:27.390 --> 0:38:30.040 that for the longest or whatever. If she ever let me, whatever, 0:38:30.060 --> 0:38:32.440 I'm going to have a lot. Listen, and I'm going 0:38:32.460 --> 0:38:33.420 to be real. 0:38:33.460 --> 0:38:36.620 That moment was more of me trying to quit the 0:38:36.660 --> 0:38:38.970 show and her being like, I want to stay. So 0:38:39.050 --> 0:38:40.950 I'm going to say it's a little bit of a 0:38:40.989 --> 0:38:44.549 different moment. But I know that watching it, I felt 0:38:44.610 --> 0:38:47.850 this sense of like, well, if I wasn't really interested 0:38:47.870 --> 0:38:49.930 in staying, why did I let that moment even get 0:38:49.969 --> 0:38:52.150 that far, right? So there's a part of me questioning 0:38:52.170 --> 0:38:54.810 why did I allow that sexual energy and that sort 0:38:54.850 --> 0:38:57.850 of toxic, let me prove my prowess and what I 0:38:57.890 --> 0:39:02.160 can do to try to bring some sort of clarity 0:39:02.200 --> 0:39:04.960 about the relationship. You don't get more clear just because 0:39:04.980 --> 0:39:06.080 you did sexual things. 0:39:06.219 --> 0:39:09.000 Absolutely. You get more unclear. For real. 0:39:09.020 --> 0:39:09.239 Yeah. 0:39:09.360 --> 0:39:11.239 For real. And that's what we need to talk about. 0:39:11.260 --> 0:39:11.560 Yeah. 0:39:11.840 --> 0:39:15.149 Gosh, we need to talk about that. Is that... They 0:39:15.190 --> 0:39:21.000 call it post... They say post clarity, but it's not clarity. 0:39:21.520 --> 0:39:25.120 It's literally more confusion because you're doing stuff and, of course, 0:39:25.140 --> 0:39:27.630 you're married. It's so crazy to say you were actually 0:39:27.670 --> 0:39:28.410 married during that. 0:39:28.710 --> 0:39:28.910 But. 0:39:29.890 --> 0:39:32.060 that's supposed to be more normalized in a marriage. But 0:39:32.200 --> 0:39:35.239 outside of that, it's like you're using that. Well, no, 0:39:35.260 --> 0:39:38.060 I can make it applicable to this because even in 0:39:38.080 --> 0:39:40.960 the marriage that you had, you're what you wasn't trying 0:39:41.000 --> 0:39:44.299 to engage in it from a loving, healthy standpoint. You're 0:39:44.320 --> 0:39:46.799 looking at it as I'm going to convince you that 0:39:46.820 --> 0:39:47.540 you really love me. 0:39:47.840 --> 0:39:48.120 Yeah. 0:39:48.160 --> 0:39:51.950 Testosterone is released. Oh, So as soon as it happens, 0:39:52.130 --> 0:39:57.610 there's more testosterone release, which is blocking oxytocin, which is 0:39:57.670 --> 0:40:00.549 what you need for pairing, for falling in love. So 0:40:00.630 --> 0:40:02.090 now you're like, I conquered. 0:40:02.219 --> 0:40:03.680 You know what I mean? 0:40:03.700 --> 0:40:06.420 It becomes this cycle that we have to work through. 0:40:06.440 --> 0:40:08.020 Oh, and you ready for this part? 0:40:08.239 --> 0:40:11.399 So also the dopamine levels for men drop to four 0:40:11.460 --> 0:40:14.640 times below the normal average of what they are. also 0:40:14.660 --> 0:40:19.180 that desire feeling goes down. That desire feeling goes down 0:40:19.239 --> 0:40:22.560 and that pleasure feeling from oxytocin goes down. That means 0:40:22.640 --> 0:40:27.860 now that feeling of post, you know, ejaculation clarity or whatever, 0:40:28.380 --> 0:40:33.069 that feeling is equivalent to like, you know, like, you know, 0:40:33.270 --> 0:40:35.650 when you're really excited about somebody in the beginning, you 0:40:35.710 --> 0:40:36.709 can't wait to go on a date. 0:40:37.090 --> 0:40:38.150 That energy is so high. 0:40:38.610 --> 0:40:40.609 And then, When you finally get the thing that you want, 0:40:40.630 --> 0:40:44.040 then it's like, oh, okay, I got it. So cool. 0:40:44.140 --> 0:40:46.620 Now I treat you like my homeboy, right? And it's 0:40:46.660 --> 0:40:49.680 like this lack of desire. And it takes two weeks to... 0:40:49.489 --> 0:40:52.810 for the man to replenish back to the original levels 0:40:52.870 --> 0:40:54.800 of dopamine after an orgasm. 0:40:54.840 --> 0:40:56.339 So it's a whole thing. 0:40:56.360 --> 0:40:59.340 I have a whole conversation about this on my- Ashley 0:40:59.380 --> 0:41:00.180 loves that conversation. 0:41:00.200 --> 0:41:00.580 I love it. 0:41:00.580 --> 0:41:00.960 Oh, yeah. 0:41:00.980 --> 0:41:02.560 Because the clarity- She read this book. 0:41:02.719 --> 0:41:03.160 Yes. 0:41:03.460 --> 0:41:05.840 But the clarity- One of Cupid's Poison Arrow? No. 0:41:06.140 --> 0:41:11.500 It's called Men Chase, Women Choose. So it's a really, 0:41:11.640 --> 0:41:14.370 really good book. But I was just speaking to the 0:41:14.450 --> 0:41:18.020 clarity in that. It's really not clarity- It's like your 0:41:18.080 --> 0:41:19.860 neurotransmitters going wrong. 0:41:20.000 --> 0:41:21.730 You know what I mean? 0:41:21.790 --> 0:41:25.509 And then what leads to confusion, especially when often we 0:41:25.550 --> 0:41:28.009 look to men to be the leaders and the people 0:41:28.050 --> 0:41:30.540 who are stable and kind of driving the relationship to 0:41:30.580 --> 0:41:33.960 a woman, it feels like, what just happened? Because once 0:41:34.020 --> 0:41:37.660 a woman has an orgasm, her oxytocin goes way up 0:41:37.940 --> 0:41:41.770 and she's like, I love you. And that's what, but 0:41:41.830 --> 0:41:45.250 that's what you're looking for, which is why the man says, 0:41:45.550 --> 0:41:48.529 if I can just get that, he thinks that's going 0:41:48.550 --> 0:41:51.480 to make him feel good when really now she's like, 0:41:51.760 --> 0:41:52.160 oh my. 0:41:52.060 --> 0:41:54.960 Gosh, we're bonding. We're doing the thing. 0:41:55.239 --> 0:41:57.980 I might even be falling for you. And that's what 0:41:58.000 --> 0:41:59.239 you're looking for. And then you're like, I don't even 0:41:59.280 --> 0:41:59.600 want her. 0:41:59.980 --> 0:42:01.100 Right. Isn't that crazy? 0:42:01.320 --> 0:42:03.620 It is. And when I say we're so crazy, I'll 0:42:03.640 --> 0:42:06.410 be like, God, you did this to us. Because he 0:42:06.550 --> 0:42:08.549 did it. And so that's the reason why it's so 0:42:08.570 --> 0:42:09.630 important to do it in marriage. 0:42:09.810 --> 0:42:10.330 Exactly. 0:42:10.370 --> 0:42:12.549 Because once vasopressin develops. 0:42:12.670 --> 0:42:15.970 Then now you got safety. Yes. Everybody's safe. Yes. 0:42:16.050 --> 0:42:18.089 Well, there is a solution for it. And I'm not 0:42:18.130 --> 0:42:20.730 going to get into it all the way in. But OK, 0:42:20.790 --> 0:42:23.750 so there is this incredible book called Cupid's Poison Arrow. 0:42:24.230 --> 0:42:26.430 And without going all the way into depth, number one. 0:42:27.370 --> 0:42:31.550 This relationship book has cured like over hundreds of couples 0:42:31.650 --> 0:42:35.219 from that sexual incompatibility that develops over a long period 0:42:35.239 --> 0:42:40.360 of time because of that cycle of orgasm, lack of desire, refill, repeat, 0:42:40.460 --> 0:42:42.220 so on and so forth, right? So there's a style 0:42:42.239 --> 0:42:45.759 of lovemaking called Carezza and it's a game changer. And 0:42:45.840 --> 0:42:47.859 so me and my boys talked about this about seven 0:42:47.910 --> 0:42:50.509 years ago. We've implemented it in our relationships. 0:42:50.630 --> 0:42:51.270 It's insane. 0:42:51.530 --> 0:42:55.430 But basically what it means, it's not orgasm-based lovemaking. It 0:42:55.489 --> 0:42:59.510 is actually now about breathing, eye contact, Staying in the present, 0:42:59.570 --> 0:43:02.290 staying in the moment, not eye rolling, not I lose 0:43:02.330 --> 0:43:05.640 my mind, but it's staying present. It's staying in the moment. 0:43:06.040 --> 0:43:08.500 And then sometimes delaying the orgasm for a little bit 0:43:08.580 --> 0:43:11.200 until maybe a couple of days. So maybe just have 0:43:11.219 --> 0:43:13.850 a session, 15 minutes and then stop and then enjoy 0:43:13.870 --> 0:43:14.190 each other. 0:43:14.210 --> 0:43:19.230 And you'll find that to me. It makes sense. That's 0:43:19.270 --> 0:43:19.990 just crazy. 0:43:20.090 --> 0:43:25.380 Y'all be playing with your emotions. People just be making 0:43:25.440 --> 0:43:28.340 up stuff. God said, this is good. And y'all be 0:43:28.360 --> 0:43:30.120 talking about, I'm going to make it more complicated to 0:43:30.160 --> 0:43:30.859 get even great. 0:43:31.200 --> 0:43:33.430 Well, the book talks about this and I'll get off this, 0:43:33.530 --> 0:43:36.730 but the book talks about how one of the, like 0:43:36.750 --> 0:43:38.870 there's like four or three or four books that were 0:43:38.950 --> 0:43:40.109 not canonized in the Bible. 0:43:40.130 --> 0:43:41.049 And one was a book of St. 0:43:41.090 --> 0:43:41.410 Thomas. 0:43:41.469 --> 0:43:42.240 He was a disciple. 0:43:42.860 --> 0:43:44.759 And the reason why that book wasn't canonized because it's 0:43:45.070 --> 0:43:48.390 Catholic church did not support this concept that he had 0:43:48.650 --> 0:43:52.330 of couples should enjoy sex for pleasure, not just for procreating. 0:43:52.989 --> 0:43:54.870 And so that did not go with the ethos of 0:43:54.890 --> 0:43:56.489 the Catholic church. They wanted to create a family, to 0:43:56.510 --> 0:44:00.850 create economic powers. And so, essentially, it kind of took 0:44:00.950 --> 0:44:03.450 out this idea that we actually can just enjoy each 0:44:03.530 --> 0:44:08.120 other without the sense of just self-gratification, self-satiation. And a 0:44:08.120 --> 0:44:09.919 lot of times what men learn is, like, if you 0:44:09.960 --> 0:44:14.020 don't get that clarity or you don't get that end product, 0:44:14.860 --> 0:44:17.899 however you say it in the most political way, correct way, 0:44:17.980 --> 0:44:19.070 then you didn't do nothing. 0:44:19.469 --> 0:44:21.130 And then women are trained through. 0:44:21.610 --> 0:44:25.390 you know social media through tv if you didn't make 0:44:25.450 --> 0:44:27.430 him do this or if you did not get this 0:44:27.450 --> 0:44:30.569 for yourself it wasn't an actual good session and it's 0:44:31.190 --> 0:44:34.270 can be further from the truth and so um anyway 0:44:34.570 --> 0:44:36.469 we'll get into that one day but um i have 0:44:36.489 --> 0:44:37.319 this whole. 0:44:37.070 --> 0:44:39.799 No i love that though yeah i love this conversation 0:44:39.880 --> 0:44:42.799 i love conversations to debunk but what what you're talking 0:44:42.820 --> 0:44:44.900 about with saint thomas was he talking about it in 0:44:44.920 --> 0:44:48.259 the confines of marriage he was he was. 0:44:48.200 --> 0:44:51.750 Talking about it in terms of um You know, enjoying 0:44:51.810 --> 0:44:56.270 it with your partner, but not focusing on the end 0:44:56.469 --> 0:44:58.250 result of that situation. 0:44:58.290 --> 0:44:59.030 So answer this. 0:44:59.170 --> 0:44:59.330 Yeah. 0:44:59.370 --> 0:45:01.890 So here you are reading this book before you got 0:45:01.950 --> 0:45:05.270 married and trying to create the ultimate connection with somebody 0:45:05.310 --> 0:45:06.049 that you're not married to. 0:45:06.810 --> 0:45:10.150 Yeah, so here's the crazy part. Oh man, what can 0:45:10.210 --> 0:45:12.450 I say? That's dangerous. 0:45:12.469 --> 0:45:15.250 So when we did begin to that road of intimacy 0:45:15.310 --> 0:45:18.089 that took us to that next level, part of what 0:45:18.130 --> 0:45:20.069 I think caused some frustration at the end was because 0:45:20.110 --> 0:45:23.430 I was following that style. So I wasn't actually relying 0:45:23.650 --> 0:45:27.569 on the end product as my approach. And I think 0:45:27.610 --> 0:45:31.120 that might've caused a little frustration. because I think my 0:45:31.160 --> 0:45:33.680 partner was like we need to go to here. 0:45:33.400 --> 0:45:35.680 And I'm like you're talking about back on the show 0:45:35.719 --> 0:45:39.759 sure sure sure I was asking you before you ever 0:45:39.820 --> 0:45:41.979 got married before okay because this is your first marriage 0:45:42.020 --> 0:45:44.420 right I got you yep so before you read in 0:45:44.460 --> 0:45:47.530 this book oh I see and you're and you're creating 0:45:47.610 --> 0:45:52.549 these high-level soul ties with women that's not even your 0:45:52.570 --> 0:45:56.480 wife why would you be that destructive Like, why would 0:45:56.500 --> 0:45:58.440 you do that? It's like, you read a book that said, 0:45:58.480 --> 0:46:00.440 now this is the maximum way. And you're like, I'm 0:46:00.480 --> 0:46:01.500 going to do this to you. 0:46:01.540 --> 0:46:02.980 You want to try it? Yeah. 0:46:03.020 --> 0:46:04.370 I was like, why would you do that? 0:46:04.410 --> 0:46:07.870 Well, full disclosure, I did it with one person primarily 0:46:07.890 --> 0:46:11.189 who I was with for a few years. And, um, Yeah, 0:46:11.270 --> 0:46:13.370 it did make us probably stay together longer than we 0:46:13.410 --> 0:46:16.270 probably should have. But the reason why I wanted to 0:46:16.290 --> 0:46:18.710 do that too is because I think I wanted to 0:46:18.730 --> 0:46:20.650 get rid of that selfish sort of motive in the 0:46:20.690 --> 0:46:22.790 way that I was approaching lovemaking and the way I 0:46:22.830 --> 0:46:25.410 was approaching dating. And I just felt like, I was like, 0:46:25.430 --> 0:46:27.529 you know, maybe this is the problem. Maybe it's that 0:46:28.170 --> 0:46:31.049 every time I had that moment, I'd lose more and 0:46:31.090 --> 0:46:34.189 more desire. Let's stop that cycle and try it this way. 0:46:34.250 --> 0:46:36.169 So that was my goal. That was just like, let's 0:46:36.190 --> 0:46:38.950 try something different. And, um, you know, and I did 0:46:38.989 --> 0:46:41.339 think that person did have potential to be my actual wife. 0:46:41.400 --> 0:46:43.440 So it wasn't just like, I was wasting it out 0:46:43.480 --> 0:46:45.030 here on some people that just weren't worth it. 0:46:45.080 --> 0:46:48.340 Well, why did she make it? Oh man. 0:46:48.800 --> 0:46:50.719 If I say too much, it'll be revealed who she 0:46:50.780 --> 0:46:52.759 is and that people are, are so good at finding out. 0:46:52.800 --> 0:46:54.780 But I would say. 0:46:54.560 --> 0:47:01.400 This, we had spiritual incompatibility. Um, we had, um, career incompatibility. Uh, 0:47:02.260 --> 0:47:03.859 that's a nice way of saying it. And I would 0:47:03.880 --> 0:47:08.089 say also to just like, uh, Just like, you know, 0:47:08.930 --> 0:47:11.910 some people rely on like psychics or whatever to give 0:47:11.930 --> 0:47:15.000 them guidance for certain things and stuff. And it's not 0:47:15.020 --> 0:47:16.340 my style. It's not my approach. 0:47:16.460 --> 0:47:18.270 Did you know that prior to getting with him? 0:47:18.580 --> 0:47:20.960 Did not know that in the beginning. No, I learned 0:47:20.980 --> 0:47:22.930 that in the middle of the relationship. 0:47:23.310 --> 0:47:27.330 Man, with you coming from a church background, daddy a 0:47:27.370 --> 0:47:28.070 pastor and preaching. 0:47:28.110 --> 0:47:28.870 A coaching pastor. 0:47:28.910 --> 0:47:32.330 Yeah, a coaching pastor. What do you think is going 0:47:32.350 --> 0:47:33.529 to change or enslave us? 0:47:33.930 --> 0:47:36.710 No, I just think that, like, as I've gotten older 0:47:37.469 --> 0:47:41.380 and I've studied, like, African religion and even just, like, 0:47:41.840 --> 0:47:46.620 Christianity before European influence. You realize that actually there's a 0:47:46.680 --> 0:47:50.500 lot of practices that are actually Eastern and African that 0:47:50.560 --> 0:47:53.779 are rooted in actual Christianity. And a lot of Western 0:47:54.250 --> 0:47:57.490 Christianity is actually just like stolen versions of other countries. 0:47:57.969 --> 0:48:03.410 So understanding like ancestral worship and honoring ancestors in a 0:48:03.430 --> 0:48:05.890 way that you present, that's something that actually black people 0:48:05.910 --> 0:48:08.980 were doing well before America. And there's some parts of 0:48:09.020 --> 0:48:12.040 those things that I can actually like honor and respect 0:48:12.640 --> 0:48:14.660 and say that it doesn't conflict with the way that 0:48:14.719 --> 0:48:16.910 I see God, um, and my, my approach with God. 0:48:17.210 --> 0:48:18.110 But I would say that. 0:48:17.989 --> 0:48:22.230 Like, if you are making decisions based on a spiritual 0:48:22.270 --> 0:48:26.000 guide that is going to be affecting how we decide 0:48:26.040 --> 0:48:28.560 to use our money and to make decisions about how 0:48:28.600 --> 0:48:30.440 we raise our children, um, and it doesn't align with 0:48:30.480 --> 0:48:32.700 me in that way, then I can't go there with you. 0:48:32.989 --> 0:48:35.950 And so that was the tension in the last relationship. 0:48:35.969 --> 0:48:39.850 Y'all were just spiritually unequally yoked. Yeah, like we can't 0:48:39.870 --> 0:48:43.510 be sacrificing goats on the counter. What's up, Lit Fam? 0:48:43.530 --> 0:48:44.630 It's your boy, the Terrace R. 0:48:44.650 --> 0:48:45.110 Whitfield. 0:48:45.150 --> 0:48:48.980 Listen, on the morning of the Darien's birthday, I got 0:48:49.040 --> 0:48:52.799 a call that my favorite Uncle Snell had passed away. 0:48:53.700 --> 0:48:56.120 So I want to have this conversation with Robin Bankston, 0:48:56.469 --> 0:49:00.090 From Forest Lawn Funeral Home and Memorial Gardens, a dignity 0:49:00.170 --> 0:49:03.799 memorial provider. She'll be sharing more about the trends she's 0:49:03.860 --> 0:49:06.420 seeing in the funeral industry and the work she's doing 0:49:06.520 --> 0:49:07.960 in South Fulton, Georgia. 0:49:07.980 --> 0:49:11.100 How are you doing, Robin? I am well. 0:49:11.140 --> 0:49:12.320 Thank you so much for having me. 0:49:12.989 --> 0:49:15.030 Robin, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? 0:49:15.530 --> 0:49:18.950 Absolutely. So again, my name is Robin Bankston and I'm 0:49:18.969 --> 0:49:22.230 the proud general manager. of Forest Lawn Funeral Home and 0:49:22.270 --> 0:49:26.130 Memorial Gardens in College Park, Georgia. What I love most 0:49:26.210 --> 0:49:28.490 about this work that I do is the connection with 0:49:28.510 --> 0:49:30.900 the community. Like when I see a family at the 0:49:30.940 --> 0:49:34.440 local grocery store or at the gas station, they recognize me, 0:49:35.040 --> 0:49:37.440 not just as the person that assists them with the 0:49:37.500 --> 0:49:41.029 funeral and or cemetery arrangements, But instead, they see me 0:49:41.090 --> 0:49:43.450 as a member of their family. That's powerful. 0:49:44.190 --> 0:49:46.250 So, Robin, what are some of the trends you're seeing 0:49:46.270 --> 0:49:49.009 around end of life services and memorials? 0:49:49.870 --> 0:49:50.610 Great question. 0:49:50.750 --> 0:49:55.420 So while traditional services are still very prominent, we are 0:49:55.480 --> 0:50:00.440 now seeing families choose to personalize services in very unique ways. 0:50:01.219 --> 0:50:05.190 For instance, we've had poker parties, a celebrity themed home 0:50:05.230 --> 0:50:08.720 going service. We've passed out barbecue sauce with the family 0:50:08.760 --> 0:50:12.180 secret recipe on the jars at the cemetery and even 0:50:12.280 --> 0:50:15.730 a memorial service with line dancing by the lake. A 0:50:15.770 --> 0:50:19.790 funeral service can be as simple or as elaborate as 0:50:19.850 --> 0:50:20.770 you can imagine. 0:50:20.890 --> 0:50:21.549 And you know what? 0:50:21.730 --> 0:50:24.210 There is no right or wrong way to honor someone. 0:50:24.850 --> 0:50:27.330 That's why my team and I are ready to assist 0:50:27.410 --> 0:50:30.960 our families with putting our creative minds together and providing 0:50:31.020 --> 0:50:33.739 the services that they themselves want. 0:50:34.920 --> 0:50:37.279 Now, Robin, did I hear you say line dancing at 0:50:37.320 --> 0:50:37.660 the lake? 0:50:38.380 --> 0:50:39.100 Absolutely. 0:50:39.820 --> 0:50:43.430 That sounds amazing. 0:50:43.710 --> 0:50:46.670 So, Robin, despite all the trends you mentioned, what are 0:50:46.710 --> 0:50:49.690 some aspects of end of life services that haven't changed? 0:50:50.950 --> 0:50:55.800 One major trend is literally establishing and leaving a legacy 0:50:55.920 --> 0:51:01.209 continues to be hugely, hugely important to our communities. So 0:51:01.250 --> 0:51:04.290 to me, the most important factor is that whether you 0:51:04.310 --> 0:51:09.570 choose a traditional burial or you prefer cremation, personalizing services 0:51:09.870 --> 0:51:13.280 adds a meaningful touch. And it really is all about you, 0:51:13.600 --> 0:51:16.900 your life and your legacy. So for those looking to 0:51:16.940 --> 0:51:21.920 create a lasting legacy, I highly recommend planning arrangements in advance. 0:51:22.980 --> 0:51:26.569 So Robin, now the LitFam wants to get active. So 0:51:26.590 --> 0:51:29.049 what are the next steps our listeners should take if 0:51:29.070 --> 0:51:29.830 they want to learn more? 0:51:30.550 --> 0:51:33.150 Well, first and foremost, you can come see me at 0:51:33.330 --> 0:51:36.989 Forest Lawn Funeral Home and Memorial Gardens. You can contact 0:51:37.210 --> 0:51:41.640 any Dignity Memorial provider. We are not just in the community. 0:51:41.700 --> 0:51:43.320 We are a part of the community. 0:51:44.080 --> 0:51:46.020 I like that. Of the community. 0:51:46.500 --> 0:51:48.260 Now, listen, Lit Fam, when you're ready to get started, 0:51:48.360 --> 0:51:52.880 I encourage you to visit DignityHomeGoing.com to download a free 0:51:53.239 --> 0:51:56.480 planning guide or get in contact with your local Dignity 0:51:56.600 --> 0:52:00.000 Memorial provider. I dedicate this segment right here to my 0:52:00.100 --> 0:52:03.120 uncle snail. When you go back, you touched on this 0:52:03.120 --> 0:52:06.560 11 year old boy rejected. 0:52:06.000 --> 0:52:06.980 By the girl. 0:52:07.000 --> 0:52:08.540 I can't, I don't even know if she rejected you 0:52:08.620 --> 0:52:11.340 or just didn't notice you. Cause you said she didn't 0:52:11.510 --> 0:52:15.810 notice you. Is that a real story or is that 0:52:15.850 --> 0:52:21.799 just an example? Was it an 11-year-old girl? I mean, 0:52:21.820 --> 0:52:25.310 was you an 11-year-old? There was a. 0:52:26.790 --> 0:52:29.690 I had this long, multi-year crush on this girl in 0:52:29.730 --> 0:52:34.250 church who I just felt, for many reasons, either all 0:52:34.290 --> 0:52:37.060 the other boys wanted her or I was too shy. 0:52:37.880 --> 0:52:39.160 But there was a part of me that I just... 0:52:39.420 --> 0:52:42.240 I put my head into books, sports. 0:52:43.140 --> 0:52:43.480 Music. 0:52:43.960 --> 0:52:46.680 Like that's what I did. And I just said, all right, 0:52:46.860 --> 0:52:48.850 I know I like her. And so, and every time 0:52:48.930 --> 0:52:51.770 I see her, you know, and this is the sweet 0:52:51.790 --> 0:52:53.690 old times before cell phones, when it was like, I 0:52:54.010 --> 0:52:55.730 don't know what I'm gonna see you again, but I'm 0:52:55.750 --> 0:52:57.370 gonna see you in the playground maybe in a week, 0:52:57.770 --> 0:53:00.509 or maybe I'll see you at lunch tomorrow recess. But 0:53:00.530 --> 0:53:02.170 when I get that five minutes of just being able 0:53:02.190 --> 0:53:04.270 to look in your eyes, that'll be our date. 0:53:04.570 --> 0:53:06.189 You know, that's, that's our time. 0:53:06.530 --> 0:53:08.910 And there was a real kid inside of me that 0:53:08.950 --> 0:53:12.100 was like, okay, she may not like me because everybody 0:53:12.140 --> 0:53:13.320 else has more to offer. 0:53:13.480 --> 0:53:15.400 There's the kid who's like popular. 0:53:15.420 --> 0:53:17.400 There's a kid who's like the star of the team, 0:53:17.860 --> 0:53:20.040 you know, people who were just bigger, louder, funnier. 0:53:20.060 --> 0:53:23.580 Um, and so I definitely had that little child inside 0:53:23.600 --> 0:53:26.430 that was like, yeah, like, you know, yeah, you're right. 0:53:26.489 --> 0:53:28.730 I don't, I'm not worthy to be wanted or to 0:53:29.170 --> 0:53:30.530 be loved or whatever. 0:53:30.550 --> 0:53:32.770 Um, but I'm smart. 0:53:33.130 --> 0:53:34.590 So like, maybe if I just show how smart I 0:53:34.710 --> 0:53:37.510 am or whatever, You know, I can play music really well. 0:53:37.550 --> 0:53:38.760 So if I can just show you that. 0:53:39.140 --> 0:53:40.680 So there's a part of me that was like trying 0:53:40.719 --> 0:53:43.459 to like kick that thing into gear again to just like, 0:53:43.900 --> 0:53:45.660 let me show you and put this defense up to 0:53:45.700 --> 0:53:47.340 show you how worthy I am of a person. 0:53:47.710 --> 0:53:51.070 I want to go back though. The 11 year old boy. 0:53:51.090 --> 0:53:54.950 Is this a real girl? And how long did that last? 0:53:55.190 --> 0:53:56.780 That you were looking at this girl? 0:53:56.800 --> 0:53:56.880 Whew. 0:53:57.430 --> 0:53:57.870 Yeah. 0:53:57.930 --> 0:54:00.910 So I think it lasted from the time I was 0:54:00.910 --> 0:54:03.810 11 to the time that I feel like my brothers 0:54:03.830 --> 0:54:04.489 are looking at me right now. 0:54:04.510 --> 0:54:08.460 Like I know exactly who that was. They're looking at 0:54:08.480 --> 0:54:09.060 me right now. 0:54:10.500 --> 0:54:12.350 To the time I was about 17. 0:54:12.350 --> 0:54:15.690 17. So a six-year crush. Yeah. 0:54:15.750 --> 0:54:17.000 And you never, ever told her. 0:54:18.030 --> 0:54:22.509 I did tell her. So this is crazy. Never thought 0:54:22.530 --> 0:54:25.049 I was going to get into this story. And I'm 0:54:25.190 --> 0:54:26.569 going to tell you why we're going here. 0:54:26.590 --> 0:54:29.480 Okay. Ask to understand how I'm unpacking this right now. Okay. 0:54:30.580 --> 0:54:34.239 So 11-year-old, 12, 13, going on throughout the year. See 0:54:34.280 --> 0:54:35.740 her all the time at my church. 0:54:35.900 --> 0:54:36.560 See her everywhere. 0:54:37.580 --> 0:54:40.560 Around 16 or I think I was around 17. And 0:54:41.200 --> 0:54:43.580 my church had a rule, my dad being a pastor, 0:54:44.800 --> 0:54:47.200 you can't go to the prom, right? It's too secular, 0:54:47.430 --> 0:54:50.410 you know. For some reason, if you dated a woman 0:54:50.450 --> 0:54:53.010 from another church, you could go to her prom. 0:54:53.430 --> 0:54:54.030 I don't know why. 0:54:55.730 --> 0:54:58.390 Because my brother went to the prom of his girlfriend, 0:54:58.410 --> 0:55:00.070 but couldn't go to his own prom. 0:55:00.910 --> 0:55:02.210 It made no sense to me. It was like a 0:55:02.250 --> 0:55:06.980 double standard, right? So this, the girl that I dated 0:55:07.100 --> 0:55:09.960 who was the daughter of a minister in our church, 0:55:10.300 --> 0:55:12.810 I was able to go to her prom. But the 0:55:12.830 --> 0:55:14.390 girl that I actually had the crush on that was 0:55:14.469 --> 0:55:17.569 in my school, I couldn't go to the prom with her, right? 0:55:17.610 --> 0:55:19.580 So I basically, I got the courage one day to 0:55:20.700 --> 0:55:23.430 call her and we talked on the phone awkwardly. for 0:55:23.469 --> 0:55:24.989 like 10 minutes. And I was like, Hey, like, I 0:55:25.010 --> 0:55:27.130 just really, really want to take you to the prom. 0:55:27.150 --> 0:55:28.489 And I was wondering if you would like, allow me 0:55:28.510 --> 0:55:31.210 to take her. Now at this time, her being 17, 0:55:31.210 --> 0:55:35.049 now she's like developed. She's the cheerleader. She's like all 0:55:35.090 --> 0:55:37.109 the boys, the star basketball players dating her. 0:55:37.210 --> 0:55:39.230 Like, I think she even dated a guy. 0:55:39.030 --> 0:55:41.950 Who had graduated from a few years before, who was 0:55:42.050 --> 0:55:43.210 also a basketball star. 0:55:43.820 --> 0:55:45.860 Um, so she was that girl. She was that girl, 0:55:46.140 --> 0:55:47.279 you know, she was that girl. 0:55:48.100 --> 0:55:50.540 And, um, and I just remember that moment of her 0:55:50.580 --> 0:55:52.620 being like, yeah, I will go to the prom with you. 0:55:52.940 --> 0:55:55.500 Oh, she said yeah. She said yes. She said yes. 0:55:56.000 --> 0:56:00.980 And I was like, for real? Like, oh my God. 0:56:01.020 --> 0:56:04.300 I couldn't believe it, right? So I'm excited. I'm getting ready. 0:56:04.500 --> 0:56:07.320 I'm like, I got a part-time job at Sears. I'm making, 0:56:07.380 --> 0:56:08.200 saving my dollars. 0:56:08.219 --> 0:56:08.819 Sears. 0:56:08.900 --> 0:56:09.480 Oh yeah, girl. 0:56:09.500 --> 0:56:11.660 I'm selling shoes like Al Bundy. I'm like out here. 0:56:11.700 --> 0:56:12.390 I'm hustling, right? 0:56:13.280 --> 0:56:16.600 And so I'm saving my money, my little dollars. And 0:56:16.880 --> 0:56:19.000 about two weeks before the prom comes up, I'm telling 0:56:19.020 --> 0:56:21.080 my mom, hey, mom, I'm trying to get this car 0:56:21.100 --> 0:56:22.880 for the prom. Can I, you know, you think I 0:56:22.900 --> 0:56:24.080 can use dad's car? 0:56:24.100 --> 0:56:26.319 And like, you know, and she's like, well, you better 0:56:26.340 --> 0:56:28.109 make sure your father's okay with this, you know? 0:56:28.660 --> 0:56:30.989 And so we get to my dad, the conversation, want 0:56:31.010 --> 0:56:33.670 to go use the car for the prom? No, son, 0:56:33.690 --> 0:56:35.950 you can't go to the prom, not in this house, right? 0:56:36.469 --> 0:56:38.490 So I had to, after all these years of wanting 0:56:38.530 --> 0:56:40.850 her and finally being like allowed to go to the 0:56:40.870 --> 0:56:44.070 prom with her, Finally had to call her and be like, yeah, 0:56:44.270 --> 0:56:45.650 I can't, I can't go to the prom. 0:56:46.570 --> 0:56:47.040 And that was it. 0:56:47.210 --> 0:56:49.750 I think within the year, she like had a baby 0:56:49.790 --> 0:56:51.830 with somebody. It was like, it was like she had 0:56:51.950 --> 0:56:56.140 already was like on to the next. And I think like, 0:56:56.180 --> 0:56:58.140 I think it was somebody she was in a relationship with. 0:56:58.160 --> 0:57:00.319 So it wasn't like just like an illegitimate baby, but 0:57:00.360 --> 0:57:03.100 it was like, it was like my chance was gone, 0:57:03.400 --> 0:57:07.219 you know? And I was just like. okay, like I 0:57:07.340 --> 0:57:10.380 don't get the girl. I don't win in this conversation. 0:57:10.440 --> 0:57:10.620 Right. 0:57:10.680 --> 0:57:15.430 And I do have this, um, this broken ego about 0:57:15.820 --> 0:57:18.230 not being wanted. You know, the one time I actually, like, 0:57:18.270 --> 0:57:20.430 I was so into sports and music in school. I 0:57:20.470 --> 0:57:22.810 didn't care about girls. She's the only girl I ever 0:57:23.090 --> 0:57:26.670 thought about at that point. And then finally, um, I 0:57:26.700 --> 0:57:28.720 was like, all right, you know, and I ended up 0:57:28.760 --> 0:57:30.300 going to the other prom with the other girl and 0:57:30.320 --> 0:57:32.180 she and I ended up dating for a little bit, 0:57:32.660 --> 0:57:34.900 but That was that 11 year old boy who for 0:57:34.960 --> 0:57:37.760 six years tried to get the girl and never got her. 0:57:38.140 --> 0:57:42.950 Listen, how do you internalize? She didn't want you when 0:57:42.990 --> 0:57:45.910 she said yes. And your daddy blocked it. 0:57:48.630 --> 0:57:53.930 I feel like, I feel like the desire for her was, 0:57:54.710 --> 0:57:58.540 it was pretty palpable and pretty apparent all those years. 0:57:58.700 --> 0:58:01.670 And the way that I try to like, catch her 0:58:01.710 --> 0:58:03.880 for a conversation in the side of the room or 0:58:03.910 --> 0:58:06.660 the way I try to like spend that time with 0:58:06.700 --> 0:58:08.760 her whenever we had a free moment. 0:58:08.800 --> 0:58:12.660 Like it wasn't like a lack of effort. It was just, 0:58:12.920 --> 0:58:13.260 it was. 0:58:13.420 --> 0:58:13.840 Yes. 0:58:15.020 --> 0:58:19.480 She did this is what you know she said. 0:58:18.840 --> 0:58:22.620 Yes i thought she's gonna actually say no yeah and 0:58:22.660 --> 0:58:25.140 then you go i finally put myself out there and 0:58:25.200 --> 0:58:27.790 she said no because she wanted the guy that had 0:58:27.850 --> 0:58:30.050 the this the guys that was a suit the the 0:58:30.070 --> 0:58:33.150 star football players and when i finally put myself out 0:58:33.190 --> 0:58:38.030 there she said no you said she said yes yes. 0:58:37.490 --> 0:58:40.320 Yeah what took you so long To talk to her. 0:58:40.360 --> 0:58:42.640 Were you talking to her, but you just weren't telling 0:58:42.680 --> 0:58:43.520 her how you really felt? 0:58:43.560 --> 0:58:46.020 I think that is what it is. I would say 0:58:46.040 --> 0:58:46.980 it like this. I had. 0:58:50.290 --> 0:58:55.280 An internalized rejection about her already before she rejected me. 0:58:55.310 --> 0:58:58.590 That's what I want to talk about. That's what I 0:58:58.630 --> 0:58:59.390 want to talk about. 0:59:00.330 --> 0:59:09.530 Oftentimes, we disqualify ourselves from people, jobs, dreams, whatever God 0:59:09.570 --> 0:59:12.439 has in store for us, we'll disqualify ourself. And God 0:59:12.480 --> 0:59:15.000 may be like, shepherd boy, David, I'm trying to make 0:59:15.020 --> 0:59:18.160 you a king. I see king in you and you 0:59:18.200 --> 0:59:21.900 over here like, I'll never be a king. Joseph, listen, 0:59:22.000 --> 0:59:24.200 I know your brother sold you off into slavery, but 0:59:24.360 --> 0:59:26.170 that is a part of the plan in order for 0:59:26.190 --> 0:59:29.790 you to rule the doggone king's house. See, the reality 0:59:29.870 --> 0:59:35.210 is that if we normalize that you can't be rejected. 0:59:36.350 --> 0:59:40.390 Help me, Holy Spirit. You can't be rejected. I remember 0:59:40.430 --> 0:59:43.110 someone saying, you can't counsel me. They was talking about, 0:59:43.130 --> 0:59:45.470 it was some artist or something that said, you can't 0:59:45.510 --> 0:59:45.890 counsel me. 0:59:45.890 --> 0:59:49.620 You can't counsel what God has positioned me. And that's 0:59:49.660 --> 0:59:50.070 the truth. 0:59:50.130 --> 0:59:55.530 Sometimes we give human beings too much power thinking they 0:59:55.570 --> 0:59:58.170 have the authority. 0:59:57.190 --> 0:59:59.390 To reject you. That's right. How can they reject you? 0:59:59.870 --> 1:00:03.350 How can somebody that's not yours to begin with reject you? 1:00:03.390 --> 1:00:05.700 That's a word. All they're doing is repositioning you. 1:00:06.060 --> 1:00:09.000 So that means that if somebody that you like And 1:00:09.240 --> 1:00:10.560 you shot your shot. 1:00:10.360 --> 1:00:11.640 At her and she was like, oh, no, I don't 1:00:11.660 --> 1:00:12.240 see you like that. 1:00:12.400 --> 1:00:13.060 Okay, thank you. 1:00:13.100 --> 1:00:14.020 God bless you. 1:00:14.340 --> 1:00:16.840 And then you move around to the other person. And 1:00:17.410 --> 1:00:20.330 it's interesting because you had one person that you wanted 1:00:20.390 --> 1:00:22.790 so much and the other woman that's giving you all 1:00:22.810 --> 1:00:26.890 the attention, going to the prom with you, she's like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 1:00:26.990 --> 1:00:29.850 And the other person that said yes, too, you looked 1:00:29.870 --> 1:00:33.590 at it as rejection because you didn't get what you. 1:00:33.490 --> 1:00:36.830 Wanted out of her when it wasn't her fault. 1:00:36.850 --> 1:00:36.950 Yeah. 1:00:37.470 --> 1:00:37.630 Yeah. 1:00:37.990 --> 1:00:39.890 That was your daddy's fault. You know what I'm saying? 1:00:40.090 --> 1:00:43.190 Your daddy could have just said, here, go to the prom. 1:00:43.230 --> 1:00:43.430 Yeah. 1:00:43.510 --> 1:00:45.120 And then you could have got a chance to explore 1:00:45.160 --> 1:00:47.600 whatever that was going to be. But I think what 1:00:47.640 --> 1:00:50.560 happened is you internalized the fact that she went off 1:00:50.580 --> 1:00:53.090 and got pregnant with somebody else as if that was 1:00:53.120 --> 1:00:55.350 rejection from you that she couldn't just wait on you 1:00:55.390 --> 1:00:56.490 for another opportunity. 1:00:56.770 --> 1:01:00.500 And it's like... Those two don't coexist. That's true. 1:01:00.520 --> 1:01:02.700 And the fact that she said yes to you, bruh, 1:01:02.940 --> 1:01:04.740 you got to look at that and be like, okay. 1:01:05.400 --> 1:01:09.080 In my brain, I literally rejected myself. And you have 1:01:09.120 --> 1:01:12.000 to own that and say she never did anything. Because 1:01:12.020 --> 1:01:14.490 the reality is, if I were to talk to her 1:01:14.570 --> 1:01:18.230 right now, she'll say, I never knew he felt like that. Like, 1:01:18.270 --> 1:01:20.890 does she get an opportunity to say, I... Yeah, I 1:01:20.930 --> 1:01:22.230 knew he would do that, but I just thought he 1:01:22.250 --> 1:01:25.590 just thought I was a cool person. He never came 1:01:25.610 --> 1:01:27.560 to me. And when he actually came to me and said, hey, 1:01:27.600 --> 1:01:29.440 I'm interested in this, I actually said, yeah. 1:01:29.880 --> 1:01:31.120 So I don't know what he talking about. 1:01:31.240 --> 1:01:32.440 You know what I'm saying? 1:01:32.460 --> 1:01:34.600 That's what I'm saying. You can have a whole conversation 1:01:34.640 --> 1:01:36.400 with people. And we see that. I know she knew 1:01:36.420 --> 1:01:39.390 I liked her, though, for sure. Yeah. But listen, there's 1:01:39.430 --> 1:01:39.750 a difference. 1:01:39.810 --> 1:01:40.650 I was giving clues. 1:01:41.670 --> 1:01:44.250 There is a difference between knowing and saying. 1:01:45.090 --> 1:01:48.870 So I can literally, and the knowing is a deflection 1:01:48.930 --> 1:01:51.350 mechanism to put it on you as if now you 1:01:51.390 --> 1:01:55.130 have to be responsible for my like. But me owning 1:01:55.210 --> 1:01:58.660 it saying, I'm telling you, hey, I'll put myself out 1:01:58.700 --> 1:01:59.740 there with even Ashley. 1:02:00.620 --> 1:02:04.420 Ashley knew that I liked her. Mm-hmm. 1:02:05.200 --> 1:02:07.390 We was cool. We was cool or whatever. And even 1:02:07.410 --> 1:02:11.030 when we became platonic friends, she still, I think, had a... 1:02:11.050 --> 1:02:12.610 I asked you, did you have a semblance that I 1:02:12.650 --> 1:02:14.790 was still at least attracted to you? Yes. 1:02:15.090 --> 1:02:15.450 Okay. 1:02:16.170 --> 1:02:18.970 That don't mean nothing. Until at the end of February 1:02:18.990 --> 1:02:21.310 when I said, hey, listen, I want to see if 1:02:21.330 --> 1:02:24.750 there's more to this than just platonic friendship. Will you 1:02:24.810 --> 1:02:27.330 give me the opportunity to take you out on a 1:02:27.470 --> 1:02:31.230 date romantically? Now, listen, I have been to LA before 1:02:31.630 --> 1:02:33.390 and we would go and sit down and eat lunch. 1:02:34.460 --> 1:02:35.400 It happened twice. 1:02:36.380 --> 1:02:38.740 I said, this lunch ain't going to be the same 1:02:38.880 --> 1:02:41.700 as the lunches that we had before, because now I'm 1:02:41.740 --> 1:02:45.020 saying I want to define it different than just me 1:02:45.180 --> 1:02:47.200 being your homie that we going out to eat. 1:02:47.800 --> 1:02:49.980 I want to see my exact words. 1:02:50.120 --> 1:02:54.540 If there's more to this than just platonic friendship, she said, 1:02:55.160 --> 1:02:58.400 I'm open to that. March the 18th. What if I 1:02:58.420 --> 1:03:00.810 sat there and said, Well, I don't even know if 1:03:00.830 --> 1:03:02.250 she really, she didn't even like me like that. I 1:03:02.250 --> 1:03:04.130 just don't even know if she want me. Boy, when 1:03:04.210 --> 1:03:07.500 I got that March the 18th, I booked that flight 1:03:07.520 --> 1:03:08.640 while I was on the phone with her. 1:03:08.700 --> 1:03:11.100 I'm on the phone with her. She said, March the 18th. 1:03:11.620 --> 1:03:12.800 March the 18th. Yep. 1:03:12.820 --> 1:03:14.890 Screenshot sent it to her. Said, I'm coming to LA 1:03:14.970 --> 1:03:15.570 March the 18th. 1:03:15.590 --> 1:03:18.350 She's like, dang. And at that point, it's up to 1:03:18.430 --> 1:03:20.090 me not to fumble it. 1:03:20.730 --> 1:03:24.760 But I can't sit there and then start self-sabotaging the 1:03:24.820 --> 1:03:26.920 process by, well, maybe she just this. 1:03:27.120 --> 1:03:29.320 And I'm going to be honest with you. God, dog, 1:03:29.340 --> 1:03:31.850 we're going to talk. We're going to talk. She was still. 1:03:31.710 --> 1:03:32.690 Dating other people. 1:03:33.530 --> 1:03:35.370 And I said, I don't care about the other people. Right. 1:03:35.630 --> 1:03:39.130 When I told, I said, date the other people. Yeah. 1:03:39.670 --> 1:03:41.230 I'm going to make you not want to talk to 1:03:41.270 --> 1:03:44.330 them no more. So do what you do. That's real. 1:03:44.570 --> 1:03:44.990 And did. 1:03:45.150 --> 1:03:46.230 And did. And did. 1:03:46.350 --> 1:03:49.410 And so the reality is this. I'm never going to 1:03:49.470 --> 1:03:53.770 disqualify me from what, disqualify myself what I believe God 1:03:53.790 --> 1:03:57.090 was qualifying me for. Yeah. And so I just believe that, 1:03:57.330 --> 1:03:59.360 and I'm glad you went back to that 11 year 1:03:59.450 --> 1:03:59.970 old boy. 1:03:59.990 --> 1:04:00.220 Mm-hmm. 1:04:00.570 --> 1:04:03.820 Because it gave reference to even when old girl said, 1:04:03.840 --> 1:04:06.540 I don't want to sound bad, say old girl, Nikki. 1:04:06.760 --> 1:04:10.820 When Nikki said, she said, I'm just not sexually attracted 1:04:10.840 --> 1:04:13.540 to you. I asked you, where does that go back? 1:04:13.580 --> 1:04:15.660 And you went all the way back to 11 years old. 1:04:16.140 --> 1:04:20.350 And I'm like, is that the true moment that it happened? 1:04:20.450 --> 1:04:23.770 Or was it another moment that happened later on in 1:04:23.830 --> 1:04:26.950 life where somebody said those words to you? 1:04:27.170 --> 1:04:27.510 Yeah. 1:04:29.230 --> 1:04:29.450 Yeah. 1:04:30.290 --> 1:04:33.740 It's interesting because like, I'll be honest with you, like 1:04:33.900 --> 1:04:37.080 my success rate of trying to get the first date 1:04:37.520 --> 1:04:43.270 has been high. I don't internalize rejection deeply and often, 1:04:43.490 --> 1:04:45.470 and I don't walk around feeling like, dang, I didn't, 1:04:45.670 --> 1:04:48.690 I didn't, you know, I don't, you know, I feel 1:04:48.730 --> 1:04:52.030 more so like, If she wants me, you know, like 1:04:52.110 --> 1:04:53.290 if she responds to it, great. 1:04:53.310 --> 1:04:55.610 If she don't, cool. We can move on. You play 1:04:55.630 --> 1:04:58.850 the numbers game. Oh, for sure. I was like, yeah, 1:04:58.890 --> 1:05:01.720 you into it? Cool. You like my jokes? Great. Let's 1:05:01.760 --> 1:05:02.560 keep it going, right? 1:05:04.360 --> 1:05:07.660 But I do know that like that sense of internalized 1:05:07.680 --> 1:05:13.790 rejection is something that, you know, and it's interesting because 1:05:13.950 --> 1:05:16.190 it doesn't feel like a relationship conversation to me as 1:05:16.290 --> 1:05:19.510 much as it feels like a, How many times did 1:05:19.550 --> 1:05:25.740 I make myself be eligible for opportunities by having to 1:05:25.900 --> 1:05:29.840 fight that internalized rejection to become something so that they 1:05:29.950 --> 1:05:33.950 can't say no? Because I believe you're going to say no. 1:05:34.530 --> 1:05:36.690 I think you're going to say no. So let me already. 1:05:37.210 --> 1:05:40.090 Get in my mindset. I remember... I'm not even going 1:05:40.110 --> 1:05:40.530 to that story. 1:05:40.850 --> 1:05:43.090 But I just remember at every competition that I was 1:05:43.180 --> 1:05:46.920 ever in, I would do three to four times whatever 1:05:46.980 --> 1:05:50.560 the expectation was of the practice time, of the reps, 1:05:51.460 --> 1:05:53.240 so that I can get to that moment and I 1:05:53.260 --> 1:05:55.360 can be like, you can't say no to me. 1:05:55.930 --> 1:05:58.330 You can't say no to me. God, this is so good. 1:05:58.470 --> 1:05:58.810 And so. 1:05:59.990 --> 1:06:03.610 When I was told, no, I'm not drawn to you, 1:06:03.970 --> 1:06:06.510 and I'm expecting to walk. I signed up for a commitment. 1:06:06.550 --> 1:06:07.930 I signed up for a jump in a broom. I 1:06:07.970 --> 1:06:11.040 signed up for this marriage. Wait, the biggest thing I 1:06:11.140 --> 1:06:12.820 ever signed up for in my life, and you're going 1:06:12.840 --> 1:06:14.320 to tell me I can't have that? 1:06:16.280 --> 1:06:16.880 Yep. 1:06:17.240 --> 1:06:19.640 What does that even mean? And where do I even 1:06:19.720 --> 1:06:21.310 put that? I don't even have a box to put 1:06:21.330 --> 1:06:23.050 that in. So let me go ahead and go back 1:06:23.110 --> 1:06:26.980 to that you can't reject me box. And let me 1:06:27.060 --> 1:06:29.520 put you in a position where now you can't tell 1:06:29.560 --> 1:06:31.680 me no, either because I'm tougher. There was even a 1:06:31.720 --> 1:06:33.090 moment and I'll be honest with you. There was a 1:06:33.130 --> 1:06:37.700 moment where, um, um, we had to do home visits, um, 1:06:38.120 --> 1:06:40.020 And we had to go to each other's houses, right? 1:06:40.120 --> 1:06:42.100 So she came to my apartment. I had just moved 1:06:42.360 --> 1:06:44.940 a month ago into my apartment. I had nothing in 1:06:44.960 --> 1:06:46.340 my apartment. It looked like a college dorm. 1:06:46.880 --> 1:06:48.720 And they roasted me online for that. They got me good. 1:06:49.560 --> 1:06:53.940 It's terrible. Like, I literally had just moved there. And 1:06:53.960 --> 1:06:56.180 they're like, let's see your apartment. I'm like, I have nothing. 1:06:56.220 --> 1:06:56.960 I have no silverware. 1:06:57.000 --> 1:06:57.820 You're like, right now? 1:06:58.660 --> 1:06:59.200 Right now? 1:06:59.260 --> 1:07:03.070 I'm going to go get an Airbnb. You look crazy. 1:07:04.010 --> 1:07:06.810 And then, you know, her house is beautiful and all 1:07:06.850 --> 1:07:08.780 that stuff, right? And so. 1:07:08.800 --> 1:07:10.140 Oh, and they said you went in there and tried 1:07:10.160 --> 1:07:10.740 to downplay a house. 1:07:10.860 --> 1:07:14.410 Exactly, right? And we have these moments where.... 1:07:15.600 --> 1:07:18.020 That's around week three or four where I was just 1:07:18.040 --> 1:07:21.000 kind of like, okay, it's just not working, right? So 1:07:21.040 --> 1:07:24.850 my mind, because it's not working, I'm saying to myself... 1:07:24.970 --> 1:07:27.330 How can I get myself in a position where I 1:07:27.350 --> 1:07:29.850 can change up something to make this work? 1:07:30.230 --> 1:07:34.090 Because what Sean does not do is lose. Yeah. What 1:07:34.270 --> 1:07:35.310 I don't do is lose. 1:07:35.990 --> 1:07:39.980 So that entire day riding to her apartment, I wish 1:07:40.040 --> 1:07:42.480 it would show footage of that. We didn't talk like 1:07:42.500 --> 1:07:45.260 the whole day. I just stopped talking. I was like, 1:07:45.280 --> 1:07:46.300 I'm just done with this. 1:07:46.360 --> 1:07:46.760 I'm whatever. 1:07:47.520 --> 1:07:49.860 And that was the night that we had the roast 1:07:49.930 --> 1:07:52.070 by the pool, jabbing each other. 1:07:52.150 --> 1:07:57.780 And then the first night intimacy. So, watching me switch gear. 1:07:58.040 --> 1:08:00.460 And say, I'm going to try a whole other approach 1:08:00.480 --> 1:08:03.480 just so I can win at this or figure out 1:08:03.520 --> 1:08:06.740 how to do this or how to be married. And 1:08:06.780 --> 1:08:09.080 then watch the result come in a way that now 1:08:09.120 --> 1:08:11.120 is like, oh, now that's a closer result to what 1:08:11.160 --> 1:08:14.200 I was looking for. So, now maybe that's going to 1:08:14.240 --> 1:08:17.450 be back on track, right? Instead of really owning that... 1:08:18.400 --> 1:08:20.880 You know, there's a thing that you talked about earlier 1:08:20.920 --> 1:08:25.380 about the toxic masculinity where guys say, what can I 1:08:25.400 --> 1:08:27.500 do to win that? And even when they get it 1:08:27.520 --> 1:08:29.939 and they realize that, oh, I never really actually wanted that, right? 1:08:30.340 --> 1:08:31.440 And there's a part of me that was going through 1:08:31.460 --> 1:08:34.280 the process that was actually like trying to figure out 1:08:34.320 --> 1:08:37.099 how to stay married to this person when all these 1:08:37.160 --> 1:08:39.500 different signs were telling me that it just wasn't working, 1:08:40.140 --> 1:08:40.820 but I'm not. 1:08:40.760 --> 1:08:41.960 Going to lose at being married. 1:08:42.400 --> 1:08:42.759 Yes. 1:08:43.020 --> 1:08:45.519 You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I had to, 1:08:45.820 --> 1:08:46.960 I didn't even realize that I was. 1:08:48.880 --> 1:08:51.060 So there was this scene where I think you guys 1:08:51.100 --> 1:08:55.830 were doing like at the group session and you mentioned CPR. 1:08:56.130 --> 1:08:58.550 What does that stand for? What does that represent and 1:08:58.650 --> 1:09:02.460 how was that represented? framework helping you and Nikki kind 1:09:02.520 --> 1:09:04.840 of in that period of time? Because I think this 1:09:04.900 --> 1:09:07.019 is before what you're talking about. 1:09:07.060 --> 1:09:09.620 Yeah, because Paul Brunson brought it up in their individual 1:09:09.640 --> 1:09:15.090 counseling thing. And you coined the phrase. It was powerful. 1:09:15.189 --> 1:09:16.210 I was like, Paul, let me. 1:09:16.150 --> 1:09:22.450 Help you get your framework together. No, but it was 1:09:22.520 --> 1:09:25.920 really wise words from Paul where basically he was like, 1:09:25.979 --> 1:09:28.820 you know, at the root of conflict, it's typically three things. 1:09:29.620 --> 1:09:35.190 Three conversations. Is it about, is it about, the P 1:09:35.310 --> 1:09:39.349 is power. Is there a power dynamic in place? C 1:09:39.430 --> 1:09:46.420 is about closeness. And then the R is about respect. Right. So, um, 1:09:47.120 --> 1:09:51.219 is the conflict about, well, this thing that we're having 1:09:51.260 --> 1:09:53.480 a struggle with is actually making me feel distant from you. 1:09:53.540 --> 1:09:55.580 Is it, is it just distancing the closeness that I 1:09:55.620 --> 1:09:58.190 feel from you? Um, or is it about like me 1:09:58.250 --> 1:10:00.610 trying to win over you? Or is it about like, Hey, 1:10:00.670 --> 1:10:02.610 I don't feel seen. I don't feel like you actually 1:10:02.670 --> 1:10:05.229 are valid valuing the thing that I'm saying. I care 1:10:05.270 --> 1:10:07.229 about as much as you would value something that you 1:10:07.270 --> 1:10:07.750 care about. 1:10:07.810 --> 1:10:11.500 Right. So is it about closeness, power or respect? And 1:10:11.560 --> 1:10:12.820 so I was like, all right. 1:10:13.220 --> 1:10:16.670 So if that's the framework, then he taught us that 1:10:16.729 --> 1:10:19.930 when you're in the middle of that conversation, stop it 1:10:20.130 --> 1:10:23.099 if you can and just say, okay, what part of 1:10:23.180 --> 1:10:25.560 the CPR is this about? And what is it that 1:10:25.600 --> 1:10:28.160 you're saying that you need? Like if it's, if it's, 1:10:28.620 --> 1:10:30.880 you need respect or if you need to feel closer 1:10:30.939 --> 1:10:32.740 to me or if you need respect. for us to 1:10:32.780 --> 1:10:35.520 suspend our power around who's trying to win so that 1:10:35.560 --> 1:10:37.519 we can just hear each other better. Let's just do 1:10:37.540 --> 1:10:39.970 that in a moment. And so the end of the show, 1:10:40.060 --> 1:10:43.070 I think it's right before Nikki is moving out before 1:10:43.110 --> 1:10:47.189 decision day. Um, we had been going in circles and 1:10:47.229 --> 1:10:49.710 the camera only caught like the last tail end of it, 1:10:49.750 --> 1:10:51.790 but we had literally been for like almost two hours 1:10:52.350 --> 1:10:55.030 just in circles going through the end of the relationship 1:10:55.070 --> 1:10:57.480 and how it was going and what was the challenge 1:10:57.500 --> 1:10:59.160 that she had with me and why she thought it 1:10:59.260 --> 1:11:00.120 maybe wasn't going to work. 1:11:01.000 --> 1:11:03.510 And, um, I was like, I said, okay, well, I think, 1:11:03.590 --> 1:11:04.570 I think I understand you. 1:11:04.630 --> 1:11:04.850 Right. 1:11:05.010 --> 1:11:07.370 But if we can just stop here and just use 1:11:07.410 --> 1:11:10.070 the CPR thing, like that might help us like get 1:11:10.100 --> 1:11:10.769 some more clarity. 1:11:11.530 --> 1:11:13.220 Is it about closeness? Is it about power? 1:11:13.350 --> 1:11:14.979 And she was like, yeah, I just feel like maybe 1:11:15.680 --> 1:11:17.479 I don't feel respected. 1:11:16.920 --> 1:11:18.860 For X, Y, and Z. And I was like, okay, well, 1:11:19.700 --> 1:11:20.620 let me, let me. 1:11:20.600 --> 1:11:23.620 Start by validating you and how I see you. I 1:11:23.960 --> 1:11:26.720 see that you are making the effort. You have tried 1:11:26.760 --> 1:11:31.320 to progress intimacy and, You've tried to start conversations with 1:11:31.380 --> 1:11:31.939 me and your mom. 1:11:32.000 --> 1:11:34.660 It's never happened, but at least you've tried. 1:11:35.600 --> 1:11:38.269 And so that was a model, I think, that was 1:11:38.430 --> 1:11:40.990 able to help us stop in the middle of our 1:11:41.070 --> 1:11:44.310 tracks in the middle of the conflict and get focused 1:11:44.370 --> 1:11:47.550 on what the real underlying issue might be, or at 1:11:47.570 --> 1:11:48.550 least point us in the right direction. 1:11:48.570 --> 1:11:48.689 Hmm. 1:11:49.570 --> 1:11:52.150 What I did love about, I think they did a 1:11:52.310 --> 1:11:54.309 good job matching people. 1:11:54.670 --> 1:11:56.810 I really do. And it's the first time I ever 1:11:56.910 --> 1:11:57.370 felt that. 1:11:58.270 --> 1:12:01.309 Because, and the reason why is because like when they 1:12:01.350 --> 1:12:04.960 showed the pre-interview stuff, they'll have one person say one 1:12:05.000 --> 1:12:07.580 thing and the other person say an actual match to 1:12:07.620 --> 1:12:09.940 what they said, not being in the room together. 1:12:09.979 --> 1:12:11.180 And I was like, okay, that's cool. 1:12:11.540 --> 1:12:14.160 But I love how real, these are like the bomb 1:12:14.300 --> 1:12:17.470 experts that I've seen on Married at First Sight. And 1:12:17.530 --> 1:12:20.870 they said, I can see this dynamic with these two, 1:12:21.729 --> 1:12:23.210 they didn't say alpha people. 1:12:23.250 --> 1:12:26.070 But like- Two suns in orbit. Yeah, they said suns 1:12:26.090 --> 1:12:26.470 in orbit. 1:12:26.490 --> 1:12:28.350 They said either it's going to be explosive in a 1:12:28.390 --> 1:12:31.290 good way or explosive in a bad way, but they 1:12:31.310 --> 1:12:36.810 could see it. So my optimistic self was like, they 1:12:36.850 --> 1:12:41.570 could figure it out. And because they're both high achieving individuals, 1:12:41.910 --> 1:12:43.950 they can figure it out to make it work. Because 1:12:43.990 --> 1:12:46.640 if marriage becomes what we're going to achieve at, then 1:12:46.650 --> 1:12:48.939 they can make marriage the thing and they can say, 1:12:48.960 --> 1:12:52.120 we can achieve at this. But it takes two people 1:12:52.460 --> 1:12:57.060 to relinquish egos and say, it's us against the problem. 1:12:58.040 --> 1:13:01.620 And we're going to win in marriage. And I was 1:13:01.680 --> 1:13:03.700 watching that and I was like, when y'all came back 1:13:04.160 --> 1:13:07.180 and said, It was a sit down table discussion where 1:13:07.220 --> 1:13:08.820 y'all were like, this is what we learned. And when 1:13:08.840 --> 1:13:12.110 you were sharing about how the framework of CPR. 1:13:11.650 --> 1:13:12.610 Was helping y'all. 1:13:13.070 --> 1:13:15.770 It was such a switch and change that everybody around 1:13:15.790 --> 1:13:17.440 the table talked, this can't be real. Because just the 1:13:17.479 --> 1:13:18.820 last time y'all was this or whatever. 1:13:18.840 --> 1:13:20.840 And I said, no, it is real. I'm like, I'm here. 1:13:20.860 --> 1:13:23.200 I was there. I see what y'all don't see. 1:13:23.260 --> 1:13:24.200 It's real. It's real. 1:13:24.300 --> 1:13:26.500 I was like, because these people ain't going to play. 1:13:26.660 --> 1:13:29.280 That's another thing about it. So am I accurate with 1:13:29.320 --> 1:13:33.700 saying that y'all wasn't playing? That when y'all was talking about, 1:13:33.720 --> 1:13:36.080 y'all had this breakthrough and we started seeing scenes where 1:13:36.100 --> 1:13:39.560 y'all were laughing and enjoying each other and Was that real? 1:13:39.729 --> 1:13:41.670 That was real. That was real. 1:13:41.770 --> 1:13:44.410 Like, it's so hard to explain to people how much 1:13:44.450 --> 1:13:45.390 fun we had off camera. 1:13:45.630 --> 1:13:46.390 Yeah. 1:13:46.410 --> 1:13:49.400 So Nikki brought this hammock from our house that was 1:13:49.439 --> 1:13:51.040 that we put on our terrace and we had it 1:13:51.200 --> 1:13:53.320 every night. So as soon as the cameras are finally like, 1:13:53.760 --> 1:13:55.560 like we did this thing where you go to sleep 1:13:55.680 --> 1:13:58.280 and the camera's like, okay, and then they leave and 1:13:58.310 --> 1:13:58.939 then we all get up. 1:13:59.630 --> 1:14:01.269 Right. And then we go. 1:14:01.210 --> 1:14:03.390 To the hammock on the terrace and we hang out 1:14:03.410 --> 1:14:05.720 for an hour every night. And we would sit there, 1:14:05.729 --> 1:14:09.680 we would talk, kiki, have a drink, whatever. And literally, um, 1:14:10.780 --> 1:14:15.470 we would have the CPR conversations off camera with, when 1:14:15.510 --> 1:14:17.970 we would have a conflict about something and just try 1:14:17.990 --> 1:14:19.490 to work it out and be like yo let's use 1:14:19.689 --> 1:14:21.650 the tools are we using the tools and I was 1:14:21.670 --> 1:14:24.800 surprised at how often Nikki would be like okay let's 1:14:24.860 --> 1:14:26.800 try it and then we would do it and then 1:14:26.820 --> 1:14:28.860 it would come out good and we'd be like okay 1:14:28.880 --> 1:14:30.720 I think we're back on balance this is this is 1:14:30.780 --> 1:14:32.780 great and so by the time it got to like 1:14:32.820 --> 1:14:35.850 week four or five we had such a vibe like 1:14:36.189 --> 1:14:38.230 I surprised her one night with a night out I 1:14:38.270 --> 1:14:40.950 posted this on my Instagram and I surprised her with 1:14:41.250 --> 1:14:43.310 having Belle and Mecca waiting in my car. And we 1:14:43.330 --> 1:14:46.300 went to a comedy show in Tacoma and saw Nate Jackson. 1:14:46.310 --> 1:14:46.960 It was a whole thing. 1:14:47.600 --> 1:14:50.580 And then another night, I surprised her with another dinner 1:14:50.600 --> 1:14:53.500 or whatever. And so we were like having fun, going 1:14:53.580 --> 1:14:56.360 on journeys. Whatever we had a chance off camera to 1:14:56.400 --> 1:14:59.070 just enjoy each other, we would. And so it always 1:14:59.110 --> 1:15:01.660 seemed to me like so surprising when As soon as 1:15:01.680 --> 1:15:03.340 the camera was rolling, there was an issue. 1:15:03.380 --> 1:15:05.640 And I was like, but we just had a great day. 1:15:05.700 --> 1:15:06.820 I don't know what's going on. 1:15:07.720 --> 1:15:09.760 But I think we did actually have a lot of 1:15:09.840 --> 1:15:13.090 times we used the frameworks and really just tried to 1:15:13.120 --> 1:15:14.809 lean into like enjoying each other. 1:15:15.450 --> 1:15:17.130 We knew it was hard for both of us. So, yeah. 1:15:17.470 --> 1:15:20.420 So you said after intimacy, you felt like you learned 1:15:20.479 --> 1:15:23.740 something from that day because you weren't really talking throughout 1:15:23.780 --> 1:15:26.920 that day. I want you to unpack that because we 1:15:26.939 --> 1:15:29.519 have a lot of women who watch Dear Future Wifey. 1:15:30.000 --> 1:15:34.630 What as a man did that kind of show you 1:15:34.710 --> 1:15:37.389 or make you feel that you should continue to do? 1:15:37.670 --> 1:15:41.410 Yeah, that's a great, great question. Well, I would say 1:15:41.550 --> 1:15:46.130 number one, God, and I really wish I... would have 1:15:46.229 --> 1:15:49.229 leaned into my own training and my background, because I 1:15:49.270 --> 1:15:51.120 got to give credit to my mentors and my big 1:15:51.160 --> 1:15:54.380 brothers and my friends who've always given me good guidance 1:15:54.420 --> 1:15:58.120 and wisdom. Number one, just to be so clear about 1:15:58.180 --> 1:16:00.240 going at the pace of the pace of your partner 1:16:00.720 --> 1:16:03.160 and just so being so clear about that. One thing 1:16:03.200 --> 1:16:06.689 that I think surprised me, but also was like, oh, 1:16:07.060 --> 1:16:10.170 it makes sense, was that when I did sort of 1:16:10.229 --> 1:16:13.270 switch up the cadence of communicating so much and making 1:16:13.310 --> 1:16:15.740 sure that there were groceries at home and like she 1:16:15.760 --> 1:16:17.180 had everything she needed and I was doing all these 1:16:17.200 --> 1:16:19.479 different things and I just kind of went silent that day. 1:16:19.500 --> 1:16:24.220 I think the silence bred an opportunity for her to 1:16:24.260 --> 1:16:26.230 kind of lean in in a way that she wanted 1:16:26.240 --> 1:16:28.830 to lean in, right? So instead of me asking her 1:16:28.890 --> 1:16:31.150 to show up in a certain way, she actually just 1:16:31.229 --> 1:16:31.650 showed up. 1:16:32.270 --> 1:16:34.610 And so many times, I think, especially when. 1:16:34.510 --> 1:16:37.050 Guys are really drawn to their partners or the girl 1:16:37.070 --> 1:16:38.189 they're interested. 1:16:37.729 --> 1:16:40.189 In, they have this idea of how they want the 1:16:40.210 --> 1:16:40.990 woman to show up. 1:16:41.570 --> 1:16:44.090 And sometimes if you just chill out, she might just 1:16:44.110 --> 1:16:45.870 show up in the way that she wants to show 1:16:45.970 --> 1:16:47.729 up and it might be even better than you expected. 1:16:48.229 --> 1:16:51.210 And so I think being surprised that night and then 1:16:51.350 --> 1:16:54.880 afterward with more moments like that, it was just a 1:16:54.920 --> 1:16:56.860 matter of just like, hey, maybe there's a way that 1:16:56.900 --> 1:17:00.420 she wanted to show up that just was more comfortable 1:17:00.439 --> 1:17:03.780 for her, right? So make room for that space for 1:17:03.840 --> 1:17:06.120 her to be comfortable to show up how she wants 1:17:06.160 --> 1:17:06.559 to show up. 1:17:07.050 --> 1:17:09.050 And you can do some like check-ins. 1:17:08.770 --> 1:17:12.939 Along the way, But don't remind her, don't repeat, you 1:17:13.020 --> 1:17:15.740 said tonight we were going to do this. Don't do 1:17:15.860 --> 1:17:19.430 any of that sort of checking in that is all self-centered, right? 1:17:19.820 --> 1:17:23.330 But look out for opportunities for her to just make 1:17:23.390 --> 1:17:25.950 space for the relationship. Because if she wants to, she will. 1:17:26.330 --> 1:17:29.590 If she doesn't, then there will also be this... pulling away, 1:17:29.650 --> 1:17:31.810 that's also apparent to you as well. And I think 1:17:32.610 --> 1:17:35.450 because I thought I'm married, I'm like, oh, that's going 1:17:35.479 --> 1:17:38.259 to give me some sort of automatic access and grant, 1:17:38.320 --> 1:17:40.420 you know, ability to be able to just ask for 1:17:40.439 --> 1:17:42.560 what I want and get that right away sort of thing. 1:17:42.600 --> 1:17:45.099 And that's not how it works. Let me ask you this. 1:17:45.420 --> 1:17:50.160 So when you told Nikki that she wasn't satisfying her husband's. 1:17:49.800 --> 1:17:50.890 Sexual need. 1:17:53.370 --> 1:17:55.770 About showing up as a wife, that's why I want 1:17:55.790 --> 1:17:57.270 to bring this up a little later and you just 1:17:57.290 --> 1:18:00.530 kind of, we're going there again. where did that belief 1:18:00.590 --> 1:18:04.750 come from? Was it church? Was it culture? Is it 1:18:04.790 --> 1:18:08.090 just something that we innately believe as men? Where did 1:18:08.110 --> 1:18:12.050 that belief that saying that, um, a wife is supposed 1:18:12.090 --> 1:18:13.490 to show up in this way? Yeah. 1:18:13.650 --> 1:18:16.110 I'm gonna go with church on that one. Um, you know, 1:18:16.140 --> 1:18:19.939 I want to blame me first before church, but I 1:18:19.979 --> 1:18:24.439 would say also just like, um, You know, I grew 1:18:24.660 --> 1:18:29.140 up in that old school religious upbringing where you and 1:18:29.200 --> 1:18:32.220 your wife, you know, the man and the wife should 1:18:32.260 --> 1:18:34.780 please each other all the ways and every ways you 1:18:34.810 --> 1:18:37.750 can sexually in the bedroom. And if one has a need, 1:18:37.790 --> 1:18:39.450 you express it to the other and the other one 1:18:39.490 --> 1:18:42.130 tries to satisfy the need. And, you know, and I 1:18:42.170 --> 1:18:46.090 remember even being preached by men in the pulpit about, 1:18:46.290 --> 1:18:48.090 you know, women do this for your wife. And it 1:18:48.150 --> 1:18:51.970 was not the most healthy version of... of relationship development. 1:18:52.750 --> 1:18:53.450 But I would say that. 1:18:53.910 --> 1:18:54.470 Why wasn't it? 1:18:55.300 --> 1:19:00.470 It wasn't because it took into consideration only the man's perspective, 1:19:00.479 --> 1:19:05.110 first and foremost, of what they thought a sexually satisfying 1:19:05.130 --> 1:19:09.349 relationship should be. And then it just rejected the many 1:19:09.510 --> 1:19:13.330 possibilities and reasons why a couple may not be connecting 1:19:13.370 --> 1:19:14.930 physically at that time, right? 1:19:14.970 --> 1:19:17.060 There can be physical issues, health issues. 1:19:17.100 --> 1:19:21.320 There can be emotional issues, financial challenges, other stressors that 1:19:21.360 --> 1:19:24.900 are just like... really pushing that relationship to be in 1:19:24.939 --> 1:19:30.240 a pressure cooker. And I think that like any relationship 1:19:30.600 --> 1:19:34.550 healing conversation in my mind should start with the two 1:19:34.630 --> 1:19:38.610 parties expressing what each party needs and validating that each 1:19:38.670 --> 1:19:41.710 person's needs are legitimate before you even move forward. 1:19:41.790 --> 1:19:42.130 Yes. 1:19:42.229 --> 1:19:46.860 Validate first. Uh, ask for more understanding, even, even before 1:19:46.900 --> 1:19:49.360 you get validate and move on to your own point. 1:19:49.720 --> 1:19:51.520 But honey, is there anything else you didn't say that 1:19:51.560 --> 1:19:55.130 you're thinking about, you know, give another extra beat, you know, 1:19:55.170 --> 1:19:56.590 for that conversation to really develop. 1:19:56.650 --> 1:19:56.870 Right. 1:19:57.330 --> 1:19:59.650 So those are things that like, I got to give credit. 1:19:59.670 --> 1:20:01.189 I have, I have had a lot of training and 1:20:01.229 --> 1:20:03.590 these from these men, but a lot of that went 1:20:03.630 --> 1:20:05.970 out the window when I'm in this situation where I'm like, 1:20:06.010 --> 1:20:07.809 oh my God, like I've never been with a person 1:20:07.830 --> 1:20:09.389 for two or three straight weeks before. 1:20:09.670 --> 1:20:11.590 Where all this stuff is happening and now I'm like 1:20:11.610 --> 1:20:13.689 feeling this tension. And you've never been married. And I've 1:20:13.729 --> 1:20:16.300 never been married, right? So that's the other part. 1:20:16.380 --> 1:20:19.120 It's like, it's such a different situation because it's like, 1:20:19.439 --> 1:20:24.060 now we're married. And church taught us that stay away from, 1:20:24.220 --> 1:20:26.900 you know, sex outside of marriage. And then when you 1:20:26.939 --> 1:20:29.689 get married, the marriage bed is undefiled. So you go 1:20:29.790 --> 1:20:32.810 from this extreme to this extreme, undefiled. 1:20:32.850 --> 1:20:34.689 You can have whatever you want. 1:20:34.710 --> 1:20:38.220 So then you go, oh, okay. I'm married, so give 1:20:38.960 --> 1:20:40.979 me this. And then it's like, hold on, but I 1:20:41.580 --> 1:20:42.480 don't even know you like that. 1:20:42.520 --> 1:20:44.360 You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, it don't matter, 1:20:44.400 --> 1:20:44.960 but we're married. 1:20:45.479 --> 1:20:48.000 And add on that, I think I didn't have sex 1:20:48.020 --> 1:20:50.840 for almost a year before the. 1:20:52.920 --> 1:20:53.740 Marriage happened. 1:20:54.360 --> 1:20:58.350 So I had intentionally told myself... all right, I'm going 1:20:58.370 --> 1:20:59.790 to this new phase of life. I knew there was 1:20:59.810 --> 1:21:01.430 going to be a transition and I kept telling everybody 1:21:01.430 --> 1:21:02.770 2025 is going to be different. 1:21:02.790 --> 1:21:04.070 I don't know what it is, but I'm getting ready. 1:21:04.650 --> 1:21:06.370 And when I found out I was moving across the country, 1:21:06.390 --> 1:21:10.870 I was like, oh, that's huge. So I don't want 1:21:10.890 --> 1:21:13.600 to jump into something that's going to not be long-term 1:21:13.610 --> 1:21:16.300 because I only want my wife. That's what I want. 1:21:16.320 --> 1:21:18.800 And right before, my mom did a cross-country trip with 1:21:18.840 --> 1:21:20.939 me to move out. And the day before I got here, 1:21:20.979 --> 1:21:23.100 she says, Sean, what if God brought you all the 1:21:23.120 --> 1:21:24.420 way out here just to meet your wife? 1:21:25.760 --> 1:21:28.560 I told you my mom's your biggest fan. What's her name? 1:21:28.580 --> 1:21:31.540 I want to shout out. Sharon Gerald. Sharon Gerald. 1:21:31.620 --> 1:21:34.320 Thank you so much for supporting the Dear Future Wifey podcast. 1:21:35.010 --> 1:21:38.730 Sean told me that when we came to Atlanta that, 1:21:38.830 --> 1:21:40.890 you know, he was encouraging your family to go check 1:21:40.930 --> 1:21:41.270 it out. 1:21:41.290 --> 1:21:42.930 So thank you so much for supporting. 1:21:44.590 --> 1:21:46.510 That means a lot to me. You know what I'm saying? 1:21:46.530 --> 1:21:50.020 That stuff right there. I never know who's watching. And 1:21:50.080 --> 1:21:53.360 I had no idea that your mama was actually watching 1:21:53.380 --> 1:21:54.440 Dear Future Wives. 1:21:54.460 --> 1:21:56.660 She's going to do a little church yelp, I'm sure, 1:21:56.740 --> 1:21:59.810 from watching that. I'm going to make sure you call 1:21:59.930 --> 1:22:01.430 after this. I appreciate you making that happen. I want 1:22:01.450 --> 1:22:02.729 to talk to her. Right? 1:22:02.750 --> 1:22:06.670 So that's my mindset. And literally getting into marriage, I'm like, 1:22:06.770 --> 1:22:07.650 I've waited for a year. 1:22:07.670 --> 1:22:10.599 Yeah. we doing everything. 1:22:10.780 --> 1:22:13.530 He's like, I was ready. 1:22:14.570 --> 1:22:16.690 I waited for you. And then she's like, I don't 1:22:16.710 --> 1:22:20.780 even know you. She's like, chill. Pump the brakes. 1:22:22.750 --> 1:22:25.550 I guess I'm wondering about like the cast members and 1:22:25.590 --> 1:22:29.400 just there's a bunch of other couples. How much does 1:22:29.439 --> 1:22:31.980 what they're going through? And like, I kind of like this. 1:22:32.460 --> 1:22:35.680 I kind of love the group therapy. 1:22:35.740 --> 1:22:36.300 Exactly. 1:22:36.380 --> 1:22:38.519 And I think that that can help edify what you're 1:22:38.580 --> 1:22:42.160 going through. And then you're like, well. Everybody's going through something. 1:22:42.400 --> 1:22:45.100 But I wanted to know, how did you feel in 1:22:45.140 --> 1:22:48.670 those settings? And then how much were you guys helping 1:22:48.710 --> 1:22:52.349 each other? And it sounded like the guys were giving 1:22:52.430 --> 1:22:57.019 very honest or having very real transparent conversations. and trying 1:22:57.080 --> 1:23:00.370 to help each other. But what was your perspective? 1:23:00.810 --> 1:23:02.410 I'm glad you felt that way. Cause I felt like 1:23:02.470 --> 1:23:03.450 the guys were messy. 1:23:03.470 --> 1:23:08.059 I felt like they intentionally before each group session would say, 1:23:08.080 --> 1:23:10.880 all right, tonight I'm really going to go in on Felipe. 1:23:10.939 --> 1:23:12.310 I'm really going to go in on Adam. I'm really 1:23:12.320 --> 1:23:13.230 going to go in on Devin. 1:23:13.510 --> 1:23:15.370 And they were all like challenging each other to like 1:23:15.550 --> 1:23:18.170 one up each other on how like disrespectful and rude 1:23:18.210 --> 1:23:18.710 they could be. 1:23:19.130 --> 1:23:21.849 And I've kept feeling like I'm so old. I'm so old. 1:23:22.189 --> 1:23:24.690 I'm 20 years old. Everybody here. Why am I part 1:23:24.710 --> 1:23:26.370 of these conversations? I just want to go home. I 1:23:26.410 --> 1:23:28.530 just want to sit down on my couch. 1:23:29.189 --> 1:23:31.910 And so there was a part, I just felt so 1:23:32.060 --> 1:23:34.570 old every single time. Cause I'm watching these guys rib 1:23:34.600 --> 1:23:37.120 each other, knowing they're intentionally trying to rile up like 1:23:37.500 --> 1:23:40.220 discord between the other couples. And I'm like, what is this? 1:23:40.320 --> 1:23:42.420 One guy started a chat called divorce at first sight. 1:23:42.460 --> 1:23:45.300 That was the first chat he started for the entire group. Right. 1:23:45.439 --> 1:23:47.960 And so that's what we're all communicating on the entire season. 1:23:48.060 --> 1:23:48.360 Right. 1:23:48.920 --> 1:23:51.360 So it was just like, what are we doing out here? 1:23:51.400 --> 1:23:53.879 Like they're just playing games with this, with this whole process. 1:23:54.120 --> 1:23:55.760 And I'm sitting here thinking I'm really signing up for 1:23:55.780 --> 1:23:58.139 a marriage. I'm like, I'm really here to work on this. 1:23:58.200 --> 1:23:58.400 Right. 1:23:58.460 --> 1:24:02.040 So, The entire group sessions, it felt like in one 1:24:02.120 --> 1:24:05.240 way helpful to hear how everybody was struggling with just 1:24:05.280 --> 1:24:06.680 trying to get to know each other and break through 1:24:06.700 --> 1:24:09.600 that first wall of like initial contact. Some did it 1:24:09.689 --> 1:24:13.470 with sexual connection and chemistry first as opposed to like 1:24:13.970 --> 1:24:17.250 just the conversations. And then some people just really took 1:24:17.270 --> 1:24:19.490 their time. Like I even think Cam and Michelle who 1:24:19.530 --> 1:24:20.370 ended up working out. 1:24:20.470 --> 1:24:24.010 Yeah. They had more of like a pace about themselves. 1:24:24.110 --> 1:24:26.930 And Cam was already naturally a little bit like, you know, 1:24:27.150 --> 1:24:29.850 chill and standoffish. And Michelle was kind of like, you know, 1:24:30.260 --> 1:24:32.000 love her girl a little bit, but in a good way. 1:24:32.020 --> 1:24:36.170 And so, yeah, I think it was just like... interesting 1:24:36.229 --> 1:24:38.830 and helpful to hear how everyone navigated. And I didn't 1:24:38.890 --> 1:24:41.570 feel bad when everybody was like, Oh, like we have 1:24:41.610 --> 1:24:43.930 this great physical connection, but Sean and Nikki don't. And 1:24:43.970 --> 1:24:46.510 I'm like, that's, that's okay. Like I, I didn't sign 1:24:46.550 --> 1:24:48.410 up for that. I signed up for marriage. So I 1:24:48.450 --> 1:24:51.370 knew that some of this might take time, but I 1:24:51.450 --> 1:24:53.340 also did want to be attracted to her. So I 1:24:53.350 --> 1:24:55.070 was like, well, you know, but also let me know 1:24:55.200 --> 1:24:57.219 if you don't, if you want to get out also leave, please. 1:24:58.300 --> 1:24:59.180 So it was helpful. 1:24:59.240 --> 1:25:01.060 But then the other side of it, I would say 1:25:01.120 --> 1:25:05.269 is like, I would have loved to spend more time 1:25:05.330 --> 1:25:10.340 with the experts than with group therapy by other new couples. 1:25:10.660 --> 1:25:12.240 That's fair. 1:25:12.500 --> 1:25:18.550 And then to look back and notice that the therapists 1:25:18.560 --> 1:25:22.570 were watching us the entire time. It was like, oh man, 1:25:23.229 --> 1:25:26.349 was there a missed opportunity there for us to maybe 1:25:26.390 --> 1:25:27.910 at the end of those sessions for them to come 1:25:27.930 --> 1:25:29.590 down and talk about what they noticed? 1:25:29.610 --> 1:25:30.269 I thought that was cool. 1:25:30.770 --> 1:25:32.679 I thought they was watching y'all and then they were 1:25:32.689 --> 1:25:34.460 going to come in and say, all right, surprise. 1:25:34.720 --> 1:25:38.540 Now those were, you said this, but they were kind 1:25:38.600 --> 1:25:41.180 of evaluating it and then sort of bringing it up intermittently. 1:25:41.240 --> 1:25:43.900 And like the therapist had to travel for other roles 1:25:43.920 --> 1:25:45.540 while they were filming. So it was a lot going 1:25:45.700 --> 1:25:48.380 on where they weren't there a lot. So, um, yeah, 1:25:48.420 --> 1:25:50.340 so it was, it was a mixed bag for me. 1:25:50.400 --> 1:25:53.300 It was like helpful to see couples, you know, talk 1:25:53.320 --> 1:25:56.060 about their struggles. And that was really helpful for us. 1:25:56.580 --> 1:25:58.509 And the other side, it was like, Dang, we shouldn't 1:25:58.530 --> 1:26:00.920 be counseling each other. If anybody should be counseling the couples, 1:26:01.000 --> 1:26:02.260 it should be other couples. 1:26:02.180 --> 1:26:02.800 Who are doing it. 1:26:03.790 --> 1:26:05.350 I was noticing that in the reunion show i was 1:26:05.370 --> 1:26:07.530 like stop letting them talk to each other y'all talk 1:26:07.560 --> 1:26:11.099 to them because could you start getting criticized and then 1:26:11.140 --> 1:26:14.040 because in defense be like what make you work out 1:26:14.060 --> 1:26:16.200 with you right don't tell me what i did wrong 1:26:16.220 --> 1:26:17.599 and y'all ain't together what. 1:26:17.520 --> 1:26:19.410 Are we doing that in the reunion i was like 1:26:19.510 --> 1:26:22.230 well maybe i wouldn't i i might be quiet on 1:26:22.270 --> 1:26:26.189 the reunion listen i'm just gonna take my l i 1:26:26.229 --> 1:26:28.070 shared my story it didn't work. 1:26:28.090 --> 1:26:32.000 I had a couple l's at I'm going to ask 1:26:32.040 --> 1:26:35.060 you this question real quick. You said that just a 1:26:35.080 --> 1:26:38.120 minute ago, you said that in this marriage, you were 1:26:38.229 --> 1:26:39.670 kind of like, if you don't want to be here, 1:26:39.689 --> 1:26:40.610 you ain't got to be here. 1:26:42.250 --> 1:26:44.780 That's a total opposite of what I. 1:26:45.850 --> 1:26:49.100 saw in you initially what i saw in you initially 1:26:49.160 --> 1:26:52.680 was i'm here for forever did i misread. 1:26:52.400 --> 1:26:55.580 That no you read that correctly okay i'm just trying 1:26:55.600 --> 1:26:57.260 to make sure i ain't projecting what i. 1:26:57.280 --> 1:27:00.050 Feel no i was locked in the night the day 1:27:00.090 --> 1:27:03.250 before wedding the day of the wedding my family's in 1:27:03.290 --> 1:27:06.090 my room we're all crying we're all like yeah this 1:27:06.150 --> 1:27:08.350 is what god has been bringing waiting for you to 1:27:08.400 --> 1:27:12.200 bring like It wasn't on camera. It was just us together. 1:27:13.200 --> 1:27:14.680 And I knew, I was like, this is it. I 1:27:14.720 --> 1:27:17.599 was meant to do this. Let me ask you this then, reverse. 1:27:19.340 --> 1:27:21.780 Because even if you gave her a seven and a 10, 1:27:21.780 --> 1:27:26.090 those are still good scores. If you saw a woman 1:27:26.360 --> 1:27:29.350 that was, if they matched you with somebody that you thought, 1:27:29.370 --> 1:27:32.110 like you said, you don't want to put numbers on people, 1:27:32.170 --> 1:27:34.930 but for the sake of what you said, she was 1:27:34.970 --> 1:27:36.470 a four by your standards. 1:27:37.150 --> 1:27:38.610 Could you have stayed invested? 1:27:39.390 --> 1:27:44.040 Yeah, I could have because, I mean, these terrible numbers 1:27:44.720 --> 1:27:49.370 of rating, I can say with confidence, number one, you know. 1:27:52.510 --> 1:27:54.810 People tend to go around the same rating that they are, 1:27:54.850 --> 1:27:57.310 I guess, based on the general idea of ratings. 1:27:57.710 --> 1:28:00.170 So four wouldn't be too bad for me. 1:28:00.189 --> 1:28:05.550 I mean, my mama said I'm a 10, but look. 1:28:06.410 --> 1:28:11.820 In reality, I'm good with a good old 6.5. so 1:28:11.860 --> 1:28:13.840 you've been fine then I mean look I've been fine 1:28:13.860 --> 1:28:16.880 with it because um again the way my brain is 1:28:16.900 --> 1:28:19.520 set up it's just not driven that way like I 1:28:19.580 --> 1:28:22.400 dated a person who I considered to be one of 1:28:22.420 --> 1:28:24.000 the most beautiful women in the world I'm not gonna 1:28:24.020 --> 1:28:26.260 say who she was because that'll get me you know 1:28:26.380 --> 1:28:29.430 fined but um I also dated somebody who I think 1:28:29.550 --> 1:28:32.770 was considered a really average to below average looking person 1:28:32.810 --> 1:28:36.010 who was brilliant and when I tell you our first 1:28:36.050 --> 1:28:39.430 four months of dating was like no kissing no anything 1:28:39.450 --> 1:28:42.860 it was just conversation conversation conversation because I could not 1:28:42.880 --> 1:28:44.400 get enough of her brain and we ended up staying 1:28:44.420 --> 1:28:48.360 together for over two years Um, because we just had that. 1:28:48.500 --> 1:28:50.160 And then one day after four months, she's like, are 1:28:50.189 --> 1:28:51.560 you going to do, are you going to do something? 1:28:51.850 --> 1:28:53.270 Are you going to, are you going to touch me? 1:28:53.270 --> 1:28:54.550 Are you going to try to make a move? Yeah. 1:28:54.770 --> 1:28:57.070 And I was like, I was like, yeah, I guess I, yeah, 1:28:57.090 --> 1:28:59.650 I guess so. Um, but literally she was the one 1:28:59.670 --> 1:29:02.250 of the most brilliant people I've ever met in my life. And, um, 1:29:03.330 --> 1:29:05.400 I am literally turned on by that. 1:29:05.520 --> 1:29:07.260 So. Yeah. Yeah. 1:29:08.340 --> 1:29:10.870 So you're like, you said you're, you're point blank, uh, 1:29:10.920 --> 1:29:12.300 sapio sexual, um. 1:29:13.400 --> 1:29:14.120 That's how I'm driven. 1:29:14.560 --> 1:29:18.360 I love the aesthetics and a beautiful looking person and 1:29:18.400 --> 1:29:23.950 a really natural looking brown slash dark skinned black athletic woman, 1:29:23.990 --> 1:29:24.730 you know, whatever. 1:29:25.290 --> 1:29:28.750 All those things are great. But I think I am literally. 1:29:29.550 --> 1:29:31.890 If I see your brilliance, there's something in me that 1:29:31.930 --> 1:29:35.390 turns into, have you ever seen that movie Shallow Hal? 1:29:35.729 --> 1:29:36.030 Yes. 1:29:36.410 --> 1:29:37.120 And where like all of. 1:29:37.140 --> 1:29:39.320 A sudden he just sees the inner person and she 1:29:39.360 --> 1:29:42.000 becomes beautiful. That's how I feel like about intelligence. Like 1:29:42.160 --> 1:29:44.900 somebody says something brilliant and I'm like, oh my God, 1:29:44.979 --> 1:29:45.520 you're a model. 1:29:46.490 --> 1:29:49.900 You turned into a model for me. That's great. I 1:29:49.900 --> 1:29:51.340 love it. You about to say something? 1:29:51.479 --> 1:29:53.080 I was going to say, so can I ask how 1:29:53.160 --> 1:29:53.680 old you are? 1:29:53.860 --> 1:29:55.360 Yeah, I'm 49. 49. 1:29:55.360 --> 1:29:55.700 Yeah. 1:29:55.720 --> 1:29:55.940 Okay. 1:29:56.040 --> 1:29:58.860 And so you got married at, the show was, you 1:29:58.900 --> 1:29:59.260 said 2025. 1:29:59.260 --> 1:29:59.510 Yeah. 1:29:59.689 --> 1:30:01.670 I was 48 when I got married. 1:30:01.710 --> 1:30:02.610 You were 48. 1:30:02.610 --> 1:30:02.769 Yeah. 1:30:02.970 --> 1:30:06.130 What would you say to people who say, you know, 1:30:06.210 --> 1:30:08.450 you're the man, so obviously you're the one who does 1:30:08.490 --> 1:30:14.330 the asking. Why did you wait so long to get married? 1:30:14.370 --> 1:30:14.890 Yeah. 1:30:15.220 --> 1:30:21.540 That's a great question. So I was a... An adventurer. 1:30:22.360 --> 1:30:27.180 So the shortest version of this is when I got 1:30:27.360 --> 1:30:32.510 out of my college relationship, I really went into this 1:30:32.600 --> 1:30:36.170 super spiritual phase, right? I was like running a campus, 1:30:36.310 --> 1:30:38.729 helping running a campus ministry at the college I was at, 1:30:38.770 --> 1:30:41.809 my alma mater. Came to New York and started doing 1:30:41.850 --> 1:30:45.719 like street evangelism and church evangelism. from about 21 to 1:30:45.740 --> 1:30:49.090 about 29. Uh, so I literally was like helping lead 1:30:49.120 --> 1:30:51.830 a young adults group. Um, every Friday night we'd be 1:30:51.850 --> 1:30:54.310 in time square playing. I played my guitar while we 1:30:54.330 --> 1:30:56.910 got a little choir singing and we're singing worship songs 1:30:56.970 --> 1:30:59.910 and we're praying, we're converting, we're doing all the things, 1:30:59.950 --> 1:31:03.450 the evangelism that we were called to do. Um, and 1:31:04.229 --> 1:31:08.730 then 29, um, the pastor of that church is like, Hey, 1:31:08.750 --> 1:31:10.570 too many of y'all are single. 1:31:10.630 --> 1:31:12.670 Y'all here worship in the Lord and it's great, but 1:31:12.890 --> 1:31:15.769 we need marriages. We need weddings. And so all of 1:31:15.810 --> 1:31:18.490 a sudden everyone's like, Sean, Sean, Sean, what are you doing? 1:31:18.570 --> 1:31:19.350 What are you doing? 1:31:19.650 --> 1:31:21.650 And then the women start coming up and then it's like, 1:31:22.050 --> 1:31:23.990 and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. But 1:31:24.030 --> 1:31:25.530 then some of them who I did go out with 1:31:25.570 --> 1:31:28.010 were like, no, I believe you're my husband. And I 1:31:28.050 --> 1:31:31.010 was like, no, I don't think that's it. Then they'd 1:31:31.030 --> 1:31:32.679 go up to altar call and be like, I believe 1:31:32.720 --> 1:31:35.139 Sean is my husband. And I think he's like leading 1:31:35.160 --> 1:31:37.080 me astray. He's like, he went out with me and 1:31:37.120 --> 1:31:39.280 he's defrauding me. He made me believe that I'm going 1:31:39.300 --> 1:31:39.780 to be his wife. 1:31:39.820 --> 1:31:40.960 And I'm like, I never even hung out with you 1:31:41.000 --> 1:31:42.800 more than once. Like, what are we talking about? 1:31:43.400 --> 1:31:45.040 So then i go back to church next week i 1:31:45.060 --> 1:31:47.629 get kicked out the church really they're like. 1:31:47.650 --> 1:31:49.929 Yeah so be honest so you didn't sleep with those women. 1:31:49.810 --> 1:31:51.930 Nope did not sleep with those promise you did not 1:31:52.050 --> 1:31:56.290 sleep i promise you and you got kicked out literally 1:31:56.370 --> 1:31:59.139 somebody reported me as like he went out with me 1:31:59.180 --> 1:32:00.920 and she this woman just showed up at my apartment 1:32:00.960 --> 1:32:03.740 twice without even not even like give me a heads 1:32:03.860 --> 1:32:05.560 up and i was like yeah no you gotta go 1:32:05.600 --> 1:32:08.380 home like nah not gonna work for me um but 1:32:09.320 --> 1:32:09.920 altar call. 1:32:10.060 --> 1:32:12.220 So what did she say you did? 1:32:12.800 --> 1:32:15.479 According to the woman who reported it to the pastor 1:32:15.500 --> 1:32:18.380 who came back to me, apparently led her to believe 1:32:18.400 --> 1:32:20.460 that I was going to be her husband or that 1:32:20.500 --> 1:32:21.620 I was interested in a relationship. 1:32:21.760 --> 1:32:24.900 That's all? Did she even say you slept with her? No, no, 1:32:25.220 --> 1:32:25.620 not even. 1:32:25.890 --> 1:32:29.930 And the pastor who presented it to me was like, yeah, so, 1:32:30.210 --> 1:32:32.570 you know, brother, you know, I heard you're struggling. 1:32:33.150 --> 1:32:35.550 I'm like, struggling with what? With who? With what? What happened? 1:32:35.990 --> 1:32:38.290 He's like, yeah, you know, with who? I'm like, no, 1:32:38.470 --> 1:32:40.270 I don't know who. Who are you talking about? And 1:32:40.430 --> 1:32:42.050 he's like, yeah, well, since you don't want to own it, 1:32:42.060 --> 1:32:45.200 we're going to open the scripture to this passage, and 1:32:45.220 --> 1:32:46.400 we're going to read this, and I want you to 1:32:46.420 --> 1:32:47.900 read it every Tuesday, and we're going to come back 1:32:47.939 --> 1:32:49.540 and talk about it. I said, can you just tell 1:32:49.560 --> 1:32:52.720 me who it is that is reporting me or whatever? 1:32:53.390 --> 1:32:55.470 And so her and another woman had a conspiracy. And 1:32:55.490 --> 1:32:58.530 then apparently her cousin did it to another guy right 1:32:58.610 --> 1:32:58.990 after that. 1:32:59.250 --> 1:33:00.590 And so it was like a crazy thing. 1:33:00.630 --> 1:33:01.170 So anyway. 1:33:01.770 --> 1:33:04.809 But that don't even make sense. I know. 1:33:04.990 --> 1:33:08.260 No, I'm saying, what did the pastor say that was 1:33:08.300 --> 1:33:10.740 being told after he said the scripture that he read 1:33:10.760 --> 1:33:12.400 didn't say flee from sexual immorality? 1:33:12.420 --> 1:33:14.300 What scripture did he have you read? He had me 1:33:14.360 --> 1:33:17.500 reading a description about not defrauding women. I don't know. 1:33:17.520 --> 1:33:18.880 It was like a King James version that had the 1:33:18.920 --> 1:33:19.710 word defraud in it. 1:33:20.160 --> 1:33:24.180 And so he's saying, so basically, well, She's saying that 1:33:24.220 --> 1:33:26.190 you led her to believe that you were going to 1:33:26.240 --> 1:33:30.190 marry her. And the pastor said, stop. 1:33:29.930 --> 1:33:32.790 Leading this woman. Stop leading this woman on. Stop giving 1:33:32.830 --> 1:33:35.880 her hope about a relationship. And you not being honest 1:33:35.960 --> 1:33:38.200 and you trying to sleep with women and all these things. 1:33:38.240 --> 1:33:39.180 I'm like, no, no. 1:33:39.640 --> 1:33:42.000 And so when I finally found out who it was, 1:33:42.020 --> 1:33:44.360 because he never told me in our meeting, I found 1:33:44.400 --> 1:33:47.260 out who it was. I was like, what are we 1:33:47.300 --> 1:33:49.800 talking about? Like, I didn't try to do that with you. 1:33:49.860 --> 1:33:54.320 And so the person who was her protector, her friend 1:33:54.360 --> 1:33:56.090 in the church was like, please don't talk to her. 1:33:56.410 --> 1:33:58.250 Please don't talk to her. She feels like, I'm like. 1:33:58.990 --> 1:33:59.250 Yeah. 1:33:59.330 --> 1:33:59.950 Okay, cool. 1:34:00.010 --> 1:34:02.269 So then I'm like, I'm like, I don't understand what 1:34:02.310 --> 1:34:05.050 just happened. Like because of this pastor, seven women asked 1:34:05.070 --> 1:34:07.470 me out in one week to coffee. And then one 1:34:07.490 --> 1:34:09.870 of them decided that I was the husband. And then 1:34:09.970 --> 1:34:11.490 I was trying to pursue her, even though she showed 1:34:11.510 --> 1:34:15.050 up at my apartment unannounced. And then the next week 1:34:15.130 --> 1:34:17.550 I come to the church and the security guards, like 1:34:17.570 --> 1:34:18.969 you can't come back here anymore. 1:34:18.990 --> 1:34:22.150 And I'm like, okay, okay. 1:34:22.170 --> 1:34:26.560 So then after eight years of consistent, service to this church, 1:34:26.600 --> 1:34:30.020 giving all my energy, blood and sweat and tears. Um, 1:34:30.520 --> 1:34:36.740 I finally, I finally realized, okay, this, this, this faith 1:34:36.780 --> 1:34:38.760 journey has to be an individual thing. It can't be 1:34:38.800 --> 1:34:43.110 based on a church because I did everything for that church. 1:34:43.450 --> 1:34:44.050 Everything. 1:34:44.130 --> 1:34:46.970 I showed up for everybody, all of the fundraisers, all 1:34:47.010 --> 1:34:49.490 the non, all the nights of all night prayer, all 1:34:49.530 --> 1:34:54.309 the fasting, the 48 fast, um, giving my tides while 1:34:54.330 --> 1:34:58.070 I'm in grad school. And then the one moment one 1:34:58.189 --> 1:35:01.580 person says this untrue thing about me, I'm not welcome 1:35:01.620 --> 1:35:02.300 back to this church. 1:35:02.780 --> 1:35:05.300 And Sean, you saying you never mess with this woman. 1:35:05.360 --> 1:35:07.720 Did not mess with this woman. Did you sleep with 1:35:07.780 --> 1:35:09.160 anybody at the church? 1:35:09.360 --> 1:35:12.160 Did she? No, did you sleep with anybody at the church? No, no. 1:35:12.360 --> 1:35:14.800 Did not sleep with anybody at that church. I did not. 1:35:14.900 --> 1:35:18.620 What would give her the impression that you were going 1:35:18.640 --> 1:35:19.460 to be her husband? 1:35:20.439 --> 1:35:23.600 Um, because I brought the one time we did hang out, 1:35:23.900 --> 1:35:26.979 it was, I had a basketball league game with two 1:35:27.020 --> 1:35:30.320 other guys who were also, uh, friends of mine. And 1:35:30.340 --> 1:35:32.040 I invited her to come out and hang out with 1:35:32.100 --> 1:35:34.780 me and the guys. Um, so she spent time with 1:35:34.820 --> 1:35:36.600 me and the guys and went out to eat after. 1:35:36.360 --> 1:35:37.060 Her for a little bit. 1:35:37.080 --> 1:35:42.180 Um, and I think that because we had just a 1:35:42.320 --> 1:35:45.200 good time, you know, and I think, um, of all 1:35:45.240 --> 1:35:46.800 the people that I had gone out with, I've gone 1:35:46.820 --> 1:35:47.660 out with her twice. 1:35:47.840 --> 1:35:49.700 And I think everybody else was kind of like once. 1:35:50.560 --> 1:35:52.600 So I just think she had the belief. 1:35:52.860 --> 1:35:55.140 Now, I don't know exactly how she said the thing 1:35:55.200 --> 1:35:57.300 to the thing, but that's how it was communicated to 1:35:57.360 --> 1:35:59.439 me that I led her on to believe that thing. 1:35:59.540 --> 1:36:03.040 Right. So I just, yeah, it was just, it was 1:36:03.660 --> 1:36:08.979 the beginning of now. Okay. Now I'm 29 turning 30. 1:36:08.979 --> 1:36:09.839 Let's do the opposite. 1:36:10.160 --> 1:36:10.420 Yeah. 1:36:10.620 --> 1:36:11.740 Let's go into the whole face. 1:36:12.000 --> 1:36:12.200 Yeah. 1:36:13.060 --> 1:36:14.360 I was like, that's how you're going to treat me 1:36:14.479 --> 1:36:16.660 after all these years of service? All right, cool. 1:36:16.680 --> 1:36:19.690 I'm going to go ahead and do what my base 1:36:19.729 --> 1:36:23.230 desires want to do. And so I became a musician 1:36:23.370 --> 1:36:26.950 full time, started playing, traveling, played a lot of gigs 1:36:26.990 --> 1:36:28.349 in Harlem, as I was telling you. 1:36:29.410 --> 1:36:30.930 And then I was like, OK, I'm just going to 1:36:30.950 --> 1:36:32.970 date and have fun and just chill. 1:36:33.030 --> 1:36:36.350 So for about 30 to about 37, I did all 1:36:36.370 --> 1:36:39.229 the things that I repressed myself from doing from 21 1:36:39.229 --> 1:36:40.800 to 29. 1:36:40.800 --> 1:36:42.000 And it went the opposite direction. 1:36:42.600 --> 1:36:46.820 And so all that led to this, like eventually this, 1:36:46.880 --> 1:36:49.660 like waking up, met this guy, this, this mentor who's 1:36:49.680 --> 1:36:52.080 still in my life today, who was. 1:36:51.880 --> 1:36:53.620 Started to look at me and be like, Sean, you're 1:36:53.640 --> 1:36:57.630 a mess. What is your plan? We didn't plan. I 1:36:57.620 --> 1:36:59.270 didn't know plan. Like, what's your plan? I was like, 1:36:59.490 --> 1:37:02.510 I'm playing music. That's my plan. I'm playing these gigs. 1:37:02.570 --> 1:37:04.370 That's my plan. Yeah. 1:37:04.830 --> 1:37:06.410 And that was the beginning of, and I want to 1:37:06.430 --> 1:37:08.050 make sure I'm answering your question, but like, that was 1:37:08.110 --> 1:37:11.920 the beginning of my journey to realize like, Okay. 1:37:12.280 --> 1:37:16.840 I went, I overly went the wrong way. Yeah. 1:37:17.260 --> 1:37:20.420 Overly went the wrong way by over-correcting and trying to 1:37:20.460 --> 1:37:25.390 be dating everybody in New York and beyond. So let 1:37:25.400 --> 1:37:26.970 me figure out like what it looks like to have 1:37:27.010 --> 1:37:30.190 some accountability and some actual like wisdom in my life. 1:37:30.229 --> 1:37:32.650 And that's when I began around 37 to like add 1:37:32.689 --> 1:37:38.530 like men's groups, therapy, group counseling, mentees, mentors, um, And 1:37:38.570 --> 1:37:41.600 actually like getting some feedback about how I was showing 1:37:41.660 --> 1:37:42.080 up in the world. 1:37:42.460 --> 1:37:45.580 So, yeah. And then that's what landed, married at first sight. Oh, yeah. 1:37:45.620 --> 1:37:46.700 I think you like extremities. 1:37:46.960 --> 1:37:47.280 Yes. 1:37:47.340 --> 1:37:50.220 Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. My brain's going over. Yeah. 1:37:50.240 --> 1:37:52.439 You like, no, that wasn't the original question, but it 1:37:52.479 --> 1:37:54.390 was like saying you went all the way over here. 1:37:54.430 --> 1:37:58.090 You were very all in with church, doing this, leading this, this, this. 1:37:58.110 --> 1:37:59.410 And then you said, all right, this is going to work. 1:37:59.430 --> 1:38:00.990 I'm going to go way over here. Now I'm out 1:38:01.030 --> 1:38:02.830 here in these streets. And then you're like, well, and 1:38:02.850 --> 1:38:04.469 then I'm going to get married sight unseen. 1:38:04.670 --> 1:38:04.970 Yeah. 1:38:05.130 --> 1:38:07.730 Yeah. So it was like, it ain't working my way. 1:38:07.750 --> 1:38:08.410 Yeah. 1:38:08.470 --> 1:38:11.110 It ain't working that way. It ain't working this way. um, 1:38:11.689 --> 1:38:13.640 what would it be like to lean into this? Like, 1:38:13.760 --> 1:38:16.700 I always had this little hopeless romantic in me that 1:38:17.300 --> 1:38:19.860 felt at 23, when I saw my brother get married young, 1:38:20.280 --> 1:38:21.900 I was like, Oh, I think I can just like 1:38:21.939 --> 1:38:24.210 do an arranged marriage or like something like that one day. 1:38:24.689 --> 1:38:27.300 And because I felt like I was like, marriage is 1:38:27.340 --> 1:38:29.540 about effort. Like I'm watching these marriages around me and 1:38:29.560 --> 1:38:31.800 the ones that make it are the ones where people try. 1:38:31.820 --> 1:38:34.400 So I was like, if I can do that, that 1:38:34.420 --> 1:38:34.900 would be great. 1:38:34.939 --> 1:38:39.330 And then having the dream right before, so I get 1:38:39.350 --> 1:38:41.170 to Washington, July 1st. 1:38:42.270 --> 1:38:43.550 July 16th, start my job. 1:38:44.170 --> 1:38:46.650 I have a dream on, a friend of mine texted 1:38:46.680 --> 1:38:49.940 me on July 19th, the casting call. I write back 1:38:49.979 --> 1:38:51.540 to her, hell no. I don't know if I can 1:38:51.560 --> 1:38:54.910 say that on this line. But that's, I write back 1:38:54.950 --> 1:39:05.620 to her like, heck no, heavens no. And she laughs. 1:39:05.880 --> 1:39:09.820 And then July 22nd, I have a dream that is 1:39:09.880 --> 1:39:11.559 the most vivid dream I've ever had in my life 1:39:11.720 --> 1:39:14.570 of me walking down the aisle, seeing a light skinned 1:39:14.610 --> 1:39:17.010 woman around five, five walking down who looks like she's 1:39:17.030 --> 1:39:20.269 about 35. She walks down and as she gets closer 1:39:20.310 --> 1:39:22.490 to me and as the wedding goes on, she just gets. 1:39:22.370 --> 1:39:24.590 Younger and younger and younger. It's crazy. 1:39:25.280 --> 1:39:26.500 And then by the time we get to the end 1:39:26.540 --> 1:39:30.420 of the reception, she's nine. And then, I swear to God, 1:39:30.439 --> 1:39:31.000 this is the dream. 1:39:31.020 --> 1:39:35.960 This is not good. And then as we're hanging out 1:39:36.000 --> 1:39:38.840 at the reception, Ice breaks in the door. And I'm like, 1:39:38.860 --> 1:39:40.939 what is Ice doing here? What is happening in this dream? 1:39:41.500 --> 1:39:43.620 And then Ice chases us out. We run to another 1:39:43.640 --> 1:39:47.850 back room. And then out of nowhere comes this most beautiful, dark-skinned, tall, 1:39:48.470 --> 1:39:54.009 dark-skinned woman. And she's the lead Ice agent. She comes 1:39:54.070 --> 1:39:56.059 to me and points a gun at my chest and 1:39:56.100 --> 1:39:57.340 shoots me and dies. 1:39:58.330 --> 1:40:00.580 And so, this is the craziest dream of my life, right? So, 1:40:01.400 --> 1:40:02.660 I wake up. I tell my boys. 1:40:02.700 --> 1:40:05.080 I'm like, yo, I had this dream. What does it mean? 1:40:05.439 --> 1:40:09.460 I go to chat GBT. Yo, what does this dream mean? Right? So, 1:40:10.120 --> 1:40:10.979 I got two sides. 1:40:11.080 --> 1:40:13.769 One was like, don't do this. Do not get married. 1:40:13.810 --> 1:40:15.310 I had at least two friends who were like, Sean, 1:40:15.750 --> 1:40:17.910 this is dumb. Why would you do this? It's going 1:40:17.930 --> 1:40:19.850 to cost you your career. It's going to cost you everything. 1:40:19.890 --> 1:40:21.330 And then I had another side that was like... Why 1:40:21.350 --> 1:40:23.940 do they think it would cost your career? Because of 1:40:24.680 --> 1:40:30.250 no matter how it's... It's played. If it doesn't work out, 1:40:30.510 --> 1:40:33.610 it doesn't work out for the guy. That's how they 1:40:33.979 --> 1:40:36.420 positioned it. They were like, it doesn't work out for 1:40:36.439 --> 1:40:39.560 the guy. You can say, you know, that one wrong 1:40:39.620 --> 1:40:43.220 thing and you're cancelable. Whereas in maybe because the audience 1:40:43.260 --> 1:40:45.320 for these kinds of shows tend to be more women, 1:40:45.850 --> 1:40:47.450 you know, she can kind of get away with more. 1:40:47.630 --> 1:40:47.810 Yep. 1:40:49.040 --> 1:40:51.250 They told the truth. I never thought about it like that. 1:40:51.290 --> 1:40:51.650 Yeah. 1:40:51.670 --> 1:40:55.170 And then the other team camp, the people who want 1:40:55.330 --> 1:40:57.830 me to get married, my mom, my mentors, my mentees, 1:40:57.850 --> 1:41:00.759 they're like, this is, you are dying to yourself. 1:41:00.820 --> 1:41:01.480 That was a dream. 1:41:01.540 --> 1:41:04.620 You are dying to yourself and you are going to 1:41:04.680 --> 1:41:06.920 like sacrifice that for the we, right? 1:41:06.979 --> 1:41:09.150 It's no longer you and her, it's the we now that's. 1:41:09.510 --> 1:41:11.890 The part of the third part of the triangle. 1:41:11.990 --> 1:41:12.530 You dying. 1:41:13.140 --> 1:41:14.950 So I was like, all right, I'm dying. Like this 1:41:14.990 --> 1:41:17.000 feels like, right. And that's why I chose it. I 1:41:17.020 --> 1:41:19.960 was like, this is like the most romantical kind of 1:41:20.020 --> 1:41:22.440 way I can think of. It also means that I'm 1:41:22.500 --> 1:41:25.059 immediately not only choosing this new life of living in 1:41:25.120 --> 1:41:27.440 Washington state, but also dying to myself. 1:41:27.780 --> 1:41:29.580 I'm starting a whole new world together. And it's just 1:41:29.600 --> 1:41:32.580 a whole fresh start. So how perfect. 1:41:32.660 --> 1:41:34.960 And then on top of that, I finished the application. 1:41:35.300 --> 1:41:37.510 Two hours later, I get a call from the producer. 1:41:37.700 --> 1:41:38.769 Dr. Best, where have you been? 1:41:38.780 --> 1:41:41.070 We've been waiting for someone just like you. We've had 1:41:41.070 --> 1:41:44.890 105,000 applications. You're the last one. Tomorrow's the last day 1:41:44.930 --> 1:41:46.330 of casting. Can you come tomorrow? 1:41:47.130 --> 1:41:48.290 So what? 1:41:48.990 --> 1:41:52.710 Where does that happen in any world? So it's just, yeah, 1:41:52.750 --> 1:41:54.630 it just felt like the right thing to do, right? 1:41:54.729 --> 1:41:57.320 So- I trusted it. And I think it still was. 1:41:57.380 --> 1:42:00.060 Even though it ended up in all these different little 1:42:00.080 --> 1:42:02.120 mini failures along the way, I do think they end 1:42:02.160 --> 1:42:05.220 up becoming lessons that are probably leading me to something, 1:42:05.760 --> 1:42:06.040 what I. 1:42:06.040 --> 1:42:06.920 Was called to do. 1:42:07.320 --> 1:42:09.059 At what age were you ready to get married? 1:42:09.700 --> 1:42:12.660 Ooh, I said 23, I was ready. I thought I 1:42:12.700 --> 1:42:16.070 was ready at 23. I think financially, I was closer 1:42:16.110 --> 1:42:19.530 around 42. That's probably the age I was about ready. 1:42:19.550 --> 1:42:20.470 What about desire though? 1:42:20.490 --> 1:42:22.310 Because I know you said that you went through this 1:42:22.330 --> 1:42:25.310 other phase and then when did you start getting back 1:42:25.700 --> 1:42:28.780 settled and say okay now I'm ready yeah no. 1:42:28.860 --> 1:42:31.900 That was like 42 like the whole phase was fully 1:42:32.010 --> 1:42:36.770 over I fully stepped into my like calling of my 1:42:36.850 --> 1:42:41.780 career my vocation that's beyond a job Um, and that's coaching, 1:42:41.840 --> 1:42:46.519 healing is study. Um, and I felt like also I 1:42:47.180 --> 1:42:50.230 had the right team around me. Um, one thing my 1:42:50.410 --> 1:42:52.830 friends always say is like, it's not a person marrying 1:42:52.850 --> 1:42:54.970 a person. It's a team marrying a team. So like 1:42:55.370 --> 1:42:57.970 whoever they are, you around and whoever they're around, they 1:42:57.990 --> 1:43:01.630 go out to like support this relationship. And so I 1:43:01.670 --> 1:43:04.150 felt like I was at the time like that around 1:43:04.150 --> 1:43:05.930 42 is when I had the right team around me 1:43:05.979 --> 1:43:06.810 that was going to support that. 1:43:07.300 --> 1:43:10.320 Here's a question I was wondering, and if you can't 1:43:10.430 --> 1:43:13.870 answer this because this is production secrets, then just say 1:43:13.890 --> 1:43:15.930 you can't answer it. I always wonder, how in the 1:43:15.950 --> 1:43:17.910 world do y'all get married when you have to get 1:43:17.950 --> 1:43:22.290 a marriage license before you actually have the ceremony? But 1:43:22.450 --> 1:43:25.510 in order to get a marriage license, both parties need 1:43:25.530 --> 1:43:30.450 to appear in the county clerk with your IDs. 1:43:30.560 --> 1:43:32.440 How does that happen? Again, if you can't say that. 1:43:32.560 --> 1:43:36.979 I can't say. I would say this, though. Two things. One, 1:43:37.400 --> 1:43:41.740 you know, again, jumping the broom for me was my marriage. Yeah. 1:43:42.090 --> 1:43:43.370 That's how we did it back in the day. 1:43:43.410 --> 1:43:45.530 And then number two, I would say watch Mecca's interview 1:43:45.550 --> 1:43:51.750 because he.... 1:43:48.550 --> 1:43:52.590 Mecca did the job for everybody. Mecca unpacked this. 1:43:52.710 --> 1:43:53.110 Unhinged. 1:43:53.350 --> 1:43:54.290 Mecca exposed. 1:43:54.750 --> 1:43:56.310 Okay. 1:43:56.330 --> 1:43:58.110 Tell all. He did it. 1:43:58.370 --> 1:43:58.970 Okay. 1:43:59.210 --> 1:43:59.650 All right. 1:44:00.050 --> 1:44:01.900 So let's see what Mecca said. 1:44:01.939 --> 1:44:04.280 So I love how you said, in hindsight, you would 1:44:04.320 --> 1:44:04.840 do it again. 1:44:07.210 --> 1:44:10.919 I would do it without TV. Okay. So you do arrange. 1:44:10.820 --> 1:44:13.200 Marriage outside TV. I thought you said you would do 1:44:13.220 --> 1:44:14.840 it or you didn't regret doing it. 1:44:15.180 --> 1:44:17.200 No, I don't regret doing it. I think it led 1:44:17.220 --> 1:44:18.660 me to where I'm supposed to be today. 1:44:18.680 --> 1:44:22.320 Okay. But I would not do it with that level 1:44:22.340 --> 1:44:25.310 of production. Okay. Or any level of production. 1:44:25.390 --> 1:44:28.430 We're not going to record this next time. 1:44:28.450 --> 1:44:31.370 He said he ain't going to produce my love. Yeah. 1:44:31.410 --> 1:44:34.050 And so when you look at that, I'm just going 1:44:34.070 --> 1:44:36.729 to ask you this then. How does it feel to 1:44:36.770 --> 1:44:37.470 be divorced? 1:44:37.970 --> 1:44:38.310 Yeah. 1:44:39.130 --> 1:44:39.210 Um. 1:44:44.979 --> 1:44:49.230 You know, it feels like, yeah, it feels like I, 1:44:49.700 --> 1:44:58.280 I had like this, like a awakening. Like I've never 1:44:58.340 --> 1:45:01.320 had my friends that are, that I'm so close to 1:45:01.820 --> 1:45:05.320 talk to me so honestly and directly, like about how 1:45:05.390 --> 1:45:10.070 I showed up on, on screen and, for this marriage. 1:45:10.610 --> 1:45:16.229 I mean, people calling me out, like arguments. And I'm 1:45:16.250 --> 1:45:19.290 sitting here like, is this argument a real argument? Like, 1:45:19.330 --> 1:45:20.440 is this a real argument? 1:45:21.320 --> 1:45:22.080 But then. 1:45:23.360 --> 1:45:26.460 Someone said, no, you've always been like that. You've always 1:45:26.540 --> 1:45:29.740 been someone who just kind of like rolls it off 1:45:29.780 --> 1:45:32.040 your shoulders, act like it's not a big deal. And 1:45:32.060 --> 1:45:34.200 then you move on, not realizing you have had real 1:45:34.280 --> 1:45:37.830 impact on people's lives. And I do believe that being 1:45:37.870 --> 1:45:45.179 divorced is, was a sign of Sean, like you don't 1:45:45.300 --> 1:45:48.450 have it together. Um, and you cannot walk around here 1:45:48.689 --> 1:45:51.090 walking like that. Matter of fact, I don't even think 1:45:51.130 --> 1:45:53.450 you just, you should be with a partner who thinks 1:45:53.630 --> 1:45:55.950 you should have it all together. Like, I think it's 1:45:56.070 --> 1:45:59.830 actually better for you to lean more into the transparency and. 1:45:59.770 --> 1:46:02.450 The, the hurt little 11 year olds. 1:46:03.229 --> 1:46:06.530 And into like the imperfections and the honesty of what 1:46:06.630 --> 1:46:10.179 you have learned about your journey of love. 1:46:10.260 --> 1:46:15.200 Then to lean on, I am smart. I am, you know, accomplished. 1:46:15.340 --> 1:46:18.809 I am this. Lean into that more. And that's what 1:46:18.820 --> 1:46:19.490 divorce has taught me. 1:46:19.510 --> 1:46:22.350 It's like, if you're not willing to be transparent, whether 1:46:22.370 --> 1:46:24.370 it's because a TV show caused it or because you're 1:46:24.430 --> 1:46:27.729 willing to just volunteer information yourself. then you're not going 1:46:27.750 --> 1:46:30.150 to really attract the kind of vulnerability and transparency that 1:46:30.170 --> 1:46:30.930 you want to be with. 1:46:31.150 --> 1:46:31.910 And I feel like. 1:46:33.530 --> 1:46:38.270 It's teaching me. It's teaching me, like, constantly. Like, I've 1:46:38.350 --> 1:46:41.030 lived this a year ago. Everybody else who's talking to 1:46:41.050 --> 1:46:42.630 me about the show is living it right now. 1:46:42.670 --> 1:46:43.170 Right, yeah. 1:46:43.600 --> 1:46:45.980 And so every time they come up to me, I'm like, 1:46:46.140 --> 1:46:47.080 there's a part of my brain that's like, I don't 1:46:47.100 --> 1:46:48.099 want to talk about this. 1:46:48.939 --> 1:46:51.760 Darn show again. Yeah. But you don't say darn. See, 1:46:51.780 --> 1:46:52.360 I did better, right? 1:46:52.380 --> 1:46:53.620 Yeah, yeah, great. I'm getting better. 1:46:53.720 --> 1:46:54.420 Yeah. 1:46:55.020 --> 1:46:55.160 And. 1:46:56.510 --> 1:46:57.549 But it's real time. 1:46:57.830 --> 1:47:00.900 And everybody's bringing it to me for a reason that's 1:47:00.939 --> 1:47:01.940 deeper than what I think. 1:47:01.990 --> 1:47:06.040 So validate. See, you want to talk about validating? Here's 1:47:06.060 --> 1:47:06.500 your chance. 1:47:07.300 --> 1:47:09.320 Every time you have a cousin that calls you that says, 1:47:09.439 --> 1:47:12.960 I didn't know you would ever do this to a woman. 1:47:13.020 --> 1:47:16.309 And I'm like. I see how you see that. Like, 1:47:16.630 --> 1:47:18.090 you know, it makes sense why you feel the way 1:47:18.130 --> 1:47:18.470 you do. 1:47:18.610 --> 1:47:21.150 And I'm, you know, I really, I really aim to 1:47:21.370 --> 1:47:24.050 work on my communication in these kinds of ways. And, 1:47:24.650 --> 1:47:27.210 and that validation has gone a long way and like 1:47:27.270 --> 1:47:29.370 even building up some of these family relationships. And I 1:47:29.410 --> 1:47:31.490 think it will go a long way when I do 1:47:31.570 --> 1:47:36.390 find my future wifey to just standing in an ownership 1:47:36.610 --> 1:47:39.370 of where I showed up, how it sounded to her, 1:47:39.689 --> 1:47:43.070 validating the perception and then moving forward with like, how 1:47:43.110 --> 1:47:46.260 can I understand you better? And how can I make 1:47:46.280 --> 1:47:48.000 sure you know that I'm on your team? Like we 1:47:48.040 --> 1:47:49.280 are both fighting for the same goal. 1:47:50.960 --> 1:47:52.219 I want to know if you're willing. 1:47:52.020 --> 1:47:55.080 To participate with me in something that just dropped in 1:47:55.120 --> 1:47:57.180 my spirit before I have you write The Key to Love. 1:47:58.720 --> 1:48:01.340 I would like to encourage you to pray. 1:48:02.500 --> 1:48:05.360 I want to call back that minister that God called 1:48:05.380 --> 1:48:07.080 you to be from a long time ago. And I 1:48:07.120 --> 1:48:12.000 want you to pray over every woman that you mishandled, 1:48:12.020 --> 1:48:14.330 whose heart you mishandled. And I want you to say 1:48:14.370 --> 1:48:16.090 it from a collective. You ain't got to say names, 1:48:16.550 --> 1:48:19.330 but the hearts that you mishandled. And I want you, 1:48:19.350 --> 1:48:21.760 the only person I want you to name is Nikki 1:48:21.820 --> 1:48:23.900 when you say, I want you to pray for the 1:48:23.939 --> 1:48:27.900 women you mishandled and then pray for your ex-wife. And 1:48:27.939 --> 1:48:30.240 then what I'm going to do is come around and 1:48:30.260 --> 1:48:32.099 I'm going to pray for your future wife, since you 1:48:32.140 --> 1:48:36.740 just mentioned that. Because I believe that there's a transfer 1:48:36.760 --> 1:48:40.710 that has to take place. The transfer of guilt that 1:48:40.750 --> 1:48:42.590 you felt, the shame that you feel, because a lot 1:48:42.610 --> 1:48:44.429 of times people may look at you and be like, 1:48:44.729 --> 1:48:46.750 he too arrogant. He don't feel the shame. He just, 1:48:46.790 --> 1:48:47.389 he don't care. 1:48:47.410 --> 1:48:52.530 And I hear you. I see you. I see you. 1:48:53.470 --> 1:48:55.139 I'm trying not to cry even saying that. I see you. 1:48:57.410 --> 1:49:01.380 And so I want you to pray. I don't want 1:49:01.439 --> 1:49:06.220 the devil to have not another word, another moment to 1:49:06.280 --> 1:49:12.380 where he can Keep causing dissension and division, even the 1:49:12.490 --> 1:49:15.440 internal division that you have been going. 1:49:15.220 --> 1:49:16.540 Through throughout your whole life. 1:49:16.580 --> 1:49:18.100 You said a lot of key things, and I'm not 1:49:18.140 --> 1:49:20.080 going to touch on it right now because I want 1:49:20.120 --> 1:49:21.780 this moment to take place. But you said a lot 1:49:21.820 --> 1:49:25.380 of key things that showed the tension that you had 1:49:25.620 --> 1:49:27.610 on trying to feel worthy. 1:49:28.930 --> 1:49:31.610 So, King, I would like for you to just pray. Yeah. 1:49:35.950 --> 1:49:38.780 Well, Lord, it's interesting because you knew this was coming. 1:49:39.500 --> 1:49:43.120 You've put this thought in my spirit about a week ago. 1:49:45.120 --> 1:49:49.320 So I'm not surprised by this moment. I want to 1:49:49.340 --> 1:49:57.280 thank you for your sovereignty and knowing what's happening before 1:49:57.320 --> 1:50:00.980 it would even happen. And because you exist outside of time, 1:50:01.960 --> 1:50:05.550 you remind me that You are always in the healing 1:50:05.590 --> 1:50:07.830 business because you can go to any point in time 1:50:08.170 --> 1:50:12.229 and correct and rectify what was wrong. So I take 1:50:12.370 --> 1:50:17.010 this moment right now to say, Father God, I am 1:50:17.310 --> 1:50:25.680 sorry for mishandling the hearts of so many women who 1:50:25.740 --> 1:50:29.780 I had no intention of building a long-term relationship with. 1:50:30.300 --> 1:50:30.740 Yes, God. 1:50:31.650 --> 1:50:34.420 But I was trying to find myself and using them 1:50:34.439 --> 1:50:38.160 and their love and their validation of me to make 1:50:38.220 --> 1:50:40.720 me feel more secure about being worthy in this life. 1:50:41.220 --> 1:50:42.200 Yes, God. 1:50:42.460 --> 1:50:48.280 I used their praise and I used their kindnesses to 1:50:48.360 --> 1:50:54.680 make me feel like I deserved to be loved because 1:50:54.720 --> 1:50:58.540 I didn't know that you were already offering that love, 1:50:58.680 --> 1:51:01.490 that it was already available to me. I didn't know 1:51:01.530 --> 1:51:06.660 how to sit in contentment and silence and solitude. And 1:51:06.700 --> 1:51:08.700 if you taught me nothing over this last couple of 1:51:08.740 --> 1:51:12.180 years of both moving to a whole new state and 1:51:12.200 --> 1:51:19.640 then spending time without a consistent intimacy and communication with dating, 1:51:20.400 --> 1:51:23.360 you've taken me into this cave of Agilem to remove 1:51:23.400 --> 1:51:25.160 me from some of those toxic patterns. 1:51:25.420 --> 1:51:26.620 Yes. 1:51:26.650 --> 1:51:31.600 So I start, this moment and this conversation with you 1:51:31.729 --> 1:51:34.360 with just owning that, God. 1:51:34.439 --> 1:51:35.219 I know that. 1:51:37.400 --> 1:51:40.020 There's so many people who even come out and even 1:51:40.100 --> 1:51:44.800 spoken about my impact on their life. And I know 1:51:44.840 --> 1:51:48.479 that they have their own healing journey for them, but 1:51:48.520 --> 1:51:51.800 I also know that I want to be a part 1:51:52.660 --> 1:51:57.500 of reminding, especially my sisters and all those who are 1:51:58.110 --> 1:52:03.599 in that dating life and that dating journey that they 1:52:03.620 --> 1:52:06.180 should be seen by a man for what is on 1:52:06.200 --> 1:52:12.339 the inside first and be validated for that before giving 1:52:12.520 --> 1:52:16.679 in to someone else's gaze or giving into someone else's 1:52:16.840 --> 1:52:18.349 riz or style or. 1:52:18.350 --> 1:52:19.729 Game or whatever it might be. 1:52:19.750 --> 1:52:23.700 I used so many of those years especially in my 1:52:23.760 --> 1:52:27.380 thirties to try to just make myself feel better. Um, 1:52:27.920 --> 1:52:30.200 so God, what I ask for is just healing for 1:52:30.260 --> 1:52:32.960 those who I've impacted healing for my own heart to 1:52:33.020 --> 1:52:36.500 begin to see the true core value of love. That's 1:52:36.540 --> 1:52:39.670 just comes from just being known, just being a child, 1:52:39.729 --> 1:52:45.310 being a son, um, of creation, um, just because of 1:52:45.370 --> 1:52:50.019 who I am, just because, um, I am Sean, period. 1:52:50.060 --> 1:52:52.800 I don't need to prove anything, not through accolades, not 1:52:52.820 --> 1:52:57.540 through money, not through any sort of accomplishments or whatever 1:52:57.600 --> 1:53:00.100 happens next in my career, in my future, but just 1:53:00.120 --> 1:53:02.760 to sit in that place, sit in a place of 1:53:02.840 --> 1:53:08.560 value and worthiness. And I ask God for just a 1:53:08.640 --> 1:53:14.300 continued intention and healing in my journey and a continued 1:53:14.400 --> 1:53:16.970 intention and healing for those who were impacted by me 1:53:17.680 --> 1:53:21.500 so that they began to see and I began to 1:53:21.600 --> 1:53:25.589 see and to lean on, not my own understanding, but 1:53:25.670 --> 1:53:28.990 lean on just the inherent value that comes from just 1:53:29.030 --> 1:53:32.490 being begotten by you, just being a child of God. 1:53:33.670 --> 1:53:36.309 So I love you. Thank you for always showing me grace. 1:53:36.350 --> 1:53:38.780 Thank you for always showing me a pathway toward healing. 1:53:39.860 --> 1:53:43.719 And also thank you for the power of the mind, 1:53:44.420 --> 1:53:49.010 being able to put this conversation together and for me to. 1:53:49.030 --> 1:53:51.910 See new through new lenses. 1:53:52.370 --> 1:53:56.370 Of how that internalized rejection can show up and it 1:53:56.390 --> 1:54:00.280 can ruin, uh, what could be a possible lifelong love. 1:54:00.360 --> 1:54:02.220 So may that not ever get in the way again. 1:54:02.240 --> 1:54:05.840 And may I be gan to make a pathway that's 1:54:05.960 --> 1:54:11.440 clear for where you want to bring me and where 1:54:11.479 --> 1:54:13.510 you want to bring those who are going to be 1:54:13.590 --> 1:54:17.280 impacted by these words today. to start their healing journey, 1:54:17.350 --> 1:54:19.450 to talk about what it feels like to be hurt 1:54:19.510 --> 1:54:22.530 and to deal with the feelings, not to act out, 1:54:22.630 --> 1:54:27.269 not to lean on the hyper-masculinity or the hyper-ego-centrism, but 1:54:27.610 --> 1:54:30.830 to lean in on, Father God, I come to you 1:54:30.850 --> 1:54:33.190 and this is what I'm feeling today. Help me handle 1:54:33.230 --> 1:54:36.710 those emotions. I trust you for this work. You've always, 1:54:37.290 --> 1:54:39.930 always shown up and you've never, never failed me. 1:54:40.850 --> 1:54:41.810 I want you to pray for Nikki. 1:54:44.350 --> 1:55:00.220 Lord, And for Nikki, I learned so much about what 1:55:00.280 --> 1:55:05.740 shaped her to become the woman she is today. Um, you, 1:55:05.890 --> 1:55:10.450 you know, I don't need to say, but there's a 1:55:10.490 --> 1:55:14.720 lot of, a lot of things there. And I, did 1:55:14.780 --> 1:55:21.040 not acknowledge that when Nikki was expressing herself, that it 1:55:21.100 --> 1:55:23.360 could have come from a place that was not about me. 1:55:24.180 --> 1:55:26.880 It could have been just something that was about her. 1:55:26.900 --> 1:55:27.740 Yes. 1:55:28.080 --> 1:55:30.840 And there's something there that I want to see her 1:55:32.100 --> 1:55:34.780 healed in Lord. I want her to be able to 1:55:34.860 --> 1:55:38.610 walk in the power that you've given her to be whole, 1:55:38.710 --> 1:55:41.110 to be healed, to face the hurts of yesterday and 1:55:41.150 --> 1:55:43.190 to own them and to move forward with power. 1:55:43.810 --> 1:55:44.890 And conviction and grace. 1:55:47.270 --> 1:55:53.589 It's something to behold when a woman who has accomplished 1:55:53.630 --> 1:55:55.690 so much and has been given so much authority and 1:55:55.730 --> 1:56:00.980 power has a chance to lean into love and how 1:56:01.720 --> 1:56:04.440 much that person deserves to have someone show up for her. 1:56:05.400 --> 1:56:06.640 And God, I own that. 1:56:06.760 --> 1:56:10.020 I really spent my time trying to battle with her 1:56:10.060 --> 1:56:13.260 instead of seeing maybe where some of those words were 1:56:13.300 --> 1:56:15.420 coming from and some of those feelings might've been coming 1:56:15.460 --> 1:56:19.240 from and leaning into that. So Lord, I just want 1:56:19.280 --> 1:56:23.760 to say, I apologize and I'm sorry for the ways 1:56:23.800 --> 1:56:28.020 that I just internalized the things that from her and 1:56:28.060 --> 1:56:31.390 made it about me instead of seeing her for where 1:56:31.430 --> 1:56:33.490 she was at and what are some ways that she 1:56:33.510 --> 1:56:37.050 could be supported and And I also maybe missed an 1:56:37.090 --> 1:56:41.330 opportunity as well to understand where she wanted to walk 1:56:41.390 --> 1:56:42.730 in healing and more power. 1:56:43.270 --> 1:56:45.230 And I want to see her walk in that way. 1:56:45.670 --> 1:56:49.230 Please put her in the right positions and in the 1:56:49.270 --> 1:56:52.570 right social groups and the right social circles to be 1:56:52.630 --> 1:56:57.310 able to have those conversations about the healing. And even 1:56:57.370 --> 1:56:59.090 with those who've reached out to me who've told me 1:56:59.150 --> 1:57:02.530 about Nikki and her past and have shared so many 1:57:02.600 --> 1:57:06.380 sensitive things, I know I know, I know that you 1:57:06.400 --> 1:57:09.640 will provide opportunities for her to be able to walk 1:57:09.700 --> 1:57:10.540 toward that healing. 1:57:10.900 --> 1:57:14.920 And I pray that she takes it. So Lord, heal her, 1:57:15.060 --> 1:57:15.720 heal my heart. 1:57:16.440 --> 1:57:19.580 Allow us to walk away from divorce with more tools, 1:57:19.660 --> 1:57:24.680 more resources, more knowledge, and more willingness to walk in 1:57:24.700 --> 1:57:28.270 grace when we're facing our partners going forward. 1:57:28.280 --> 1:57:32.670 And I trust you. And God, I lift up my brother. 1:57:33.490 --> 1:57:35.750 I pray right now in the name of Jesus as 1:57:35.830 --> 1:57:39.830 he transitions and breaks the soul ties that he has 1:57:39.930 --> 1:57:44.130 had with other women, God, that you continue to restore 1:57:44.750 --> 1:57:47.930 your son, God, and that you connect him with his 1:57:47.990 --> 1:57:51.610 purpose partner, his future wife. And God, let when he 1:57:51.770 --> 1:57:56.240 meets her, let it be something so divine that they 1:57:56.360 --> 1:57:59.360 know that it was nobody but you that brought them together. Amen. 1:58:00.130 --> 1:58:01.890 And God will be so careful to give you the 1:58:01.950 --> 1:58:04.000 praise of the Lord and the adoration. I can't wait 1:58:04.040 --> 1:58:06.180 to have them come back on the podcast to share 1:58:06.220 --> 1:58:09.970 their testimony of how you perfectly fit. 1:58:10.130 --> 1:58:11.030 Them with each other. 1:58:11.510 --> 1:58:15.750 Outside of just preferences, God, but being ordained to be 1:58:15.830 --> 1:58:18.810 each other's spouse. God, we thank you in advance for 1:58:18.830 --> 1:58:21.879 the testimony that's going to come forth through this. For 1:58:21.940 --> 1:58:25.040 I know all things work together for the called according 1:58:25.080 --> 1:58:27.680 to his purpose. And so I thank you right now 1:58:27.700 --> 1:58:31.470 in the name of Jesus for it. this journey that 1:58:31.910 --> 1:58:34.970 my brother has gone through. But God, you will get 1:58:34.990 --> 1:58:37.220 the glory and you are getting the glory for it. 1:58:37.410 --> 1:58:39.900 We thank you. We give you all the praise, the glory, 1:58:39.940 --> 1:58:43.900 and the adoration. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Amen. 1:58:45.140 --> 1:58:48.230 That was beautiful. That was beautiful. 1:58:48.930 --> 1:58:51.030 But you was a little petty when you was talking about, oh, Nick, 1:58:51.050 --> 1:58:52.430 you talking about the things people that reached. 1:58:52.310 --> 1:58:53.730 Out to me and said that they're a little petty. 1:58:53.750 --> 1:58:54.950 That's a petty prayer. 1:58:55.010 --> 1:59:01.450 It was a little petty prayer. Shout out to Nona Jones. 1:59:01.490 --> 1:59:02.010 Nona's book. 1:59:02.450 --> 1:59:04.150 She got a book called Petty Prayers. 1:59:04.190 --> 1:59:04.810 Petty Prayers. 1:59:05.010 --> 1:59:06.410 It was a little petty. 1:59:06.770 --> 1:59:09.490 It was a little petty. But listen, man, take that 1:59:09.570 --> 1:59:11.750 box right there. First of all, before I just transition 1:59:11.810 --> 1:59:12.930 out there, how do you feel about that? 1:59:13.290 --> 1:59:14.050 Oh, man. 1:59:15.770 --> 1:59:19.660 It was unexpectedly cathartic, and it felt really good to 1:59:19.740 --> 1:59:23.830 just name it, put a name on it, notice it, 1:59:24.040 --> 1:59:27.620 and just say, yeah, that was something that I did, 1:59:27.690 --> 1:59:29.230 and that's something I'm willing to let go. 1:59:29.250 --> 1:59:34.290 Yeah, so that felt, whew. I want to encourage men 1:59:34.430 --> 1:59:36.150 and women to do that. 1:59:36.910 --> 1:59:39.410 Don't have it as just an exercise. 1:59:39.490 --> 1:59:40.730 This is a release. 1:59:41.470 --> 1:59:44.810 Because a lot of times people feel like, well, they 1:59:44.850 --> 1:59:45.650 did me wrong. 1:59:45.750 --> 1:59:47.150 They did this. They did this. 1:59:47.190 --> 1:59:49.430 But if you have a heart of Christ and say, God, 1:59:49.890 --> 1:59:53.750 how did I participate in this? Forgive me for how 1:59:53.830 --> 1:59:57.760 I participated in it. And God says, I like that. 1:59:58.460 --> 2:00:01.620 That's the ultimate level of accountability is when we can 2:00:02.280 --> 2:00:04.340 when person ain't there and you can say, listen, I 2:00:04.360 --> 2:00:05.150 want the best for you. 2:00:05.260 --> 2:00:06.820 I apologize for what I did. 2:00:07.120 --> 2:00:09.760 Now I recommend doing that in person, but I ain't 2:00:09.800 --> 2:00:13.380 telling you to go call everybody you'd ever offended or mishandled, 2:00:13.540 --> 2:00:17.780 but to put this into the atmosphere. And so the 2:00:17.900 --> 2:00:20.310 angels can carry it to that person and they watch 2:00:20.320 --> 2:00:22.730 the episode and be like, Whoa, he just, he just 2:00:22.770 --> 2:00:26.250 healed something in me that will bring them closer to God. 2:00:26.290 --> 2:00:28.950 Cause that's all it's about. It's all about bringing people 2:00:29.030 --> 2:00:31.510 closer to God. Grab that box, if you would, King. 2:00:31.650 --> 2:00:35.010 Grab that paper out and write a key to love. 2:00:35.370 --> 2:00:37.230 It can be a sentence. It can be one word, 2:00:37.270 --> 2:00:38.770 but write a key to love and make sure you 2:00:38.790 --> 2:00:40.770 sign your name at the end of it. Ask her 2:00:40.800 --> 2:00:41.940 what you think about this episode. 2:00:43.560 --> 2:00:44.820 I was going to actually ask you. 2:00:44.840 --> 2:00:46.660 Yeah, I was talking a lot, so I want you 2:00:46.700 --> 2:00:51.680 to talk. Yeah. 2:00:51.740 --> 2:00:56.710 You know, I think that this is my first time 2:00:56.850 --> 2:01:03.240 kind of interviewing someone who was on a reality show. 2:01:04.200 --> 2:01:09.020 And the stakes were really high, right? You know, there's 2:01:09.040 --> 2:01:10.740 some shows like Love is Blind, you have like an 2:01:10.780 --> 2:01:17.050 engagement period, but this was like marriage. And so I'm 2:01:17.130 --> 2:01:20.770 grateful that we got to, you know, sit down with 2:01:20.830 --> 2:01:26.870 Sean to hear what he learned from the show. how 2:01:26.930 --> 2:01:31.530 intentional he is with, you know, becoming better and having 2:01:31.570 --> 2:01:37.950 an accountability circle. He talked about that. Really awesome to 2:01:38.010 --> 2:01:40.530 learn about his like ministerial background. 2:01:40.630 --> 2:01:41.570 I had no idea. 2:01:41.670 --> 2:01:47.340 As a young, young adult. And, you know, I just 2:01:47.780 --> 2:01:51.260 was also really grateful to learn that he prayed so 2:01:51.320 --> 2:01:56.970 much before going on the show and felt, confirmation from 2:01:57.030 --> 2:02:02.170 God to really take that step. Um, and even through that, 2:02:02.890 --> 2:02:07.150 you know, he knows God revealed some, some things to 2:02:07.230 --> 2:02:10.340 him in the show that are going to help edify 2:02:10.420 --> 2:02:13.480 him to be the husband that God called. 2:02:13.280 --> 2:02:13.700 Him to be. 2:02:13.780 --> 2:02:19.790 So I'm excited to know that he's still optimistic about love. Um, 2:02:20.530 --> 2:02:25.620 and I believe, um, by the Holy Spirit that the 2:02:25.720 --> 2:02:31.160 next time he won't repeat any of the same things 2:02:31.220 --> 2:02:35.100 that we saw on the show that maybe didn't reflect 2:02:35.190 --> 2:02:38.990 the quality of the man that I believe that he is. 2:02:39.690 --> 2:02:41.890 And I just want to encourage you, Sean, that when 2:02:41.930 --> 2:02:46.490 getting into this God-ordained marriage, if it's not going the 2:02:46.560 --> 2:02:49.000 way you want it to go or whatever, and if 2:02:49.060 --> 2:02:52.190 the woman is You said that, you know, you told her, 2:02:52.210 --> 2:02:54.090 if you don't want me to just go, you know, 2:02:55.270 --> 2:02:57.080 try to refrain from that statement. 2:02:57.240 --> 2:02:57.580 Yeah. 2:02:57.640 --> 2:02:59.900 You know what I'm saying? Because that our human emotions, 2:02:59.920 --> 2:03:01.400 if you don't want me, you can go. You know 2:03:01.420 --> 2:03:05.500 what I'm saying? And it's like refrain from that and 2:03:05.700 --> 2:03:08.870 just try to be very cognizant of the words we speak. 2:03:08.910 --> 2:03:11.210 The Bible says life and death are in the power 2:03:11.230 --> 2:03:13.730 of the tongue and they that love it eat the 2:03:13.790 --> 2:03:17.610 fruit thereof. And so it's saying, do you love life? 2:03:17.770 --> 2:03:20.210 So then you're loving it. You're speaking life. Or do 2:03:20.250 --> 2:03:23.370 you love death? And so you just speak anything that 2:03:23.450 --> 2:03:27.930 causes death in a situation or friendship or relationship, a job, 2:03:27.970 --> 2:03:30.870 just being negative about stuff. And we saw that through 2:03:30.910 --> 2:03:33.600 certain characters on the show that I was like, why 2:03:33.610 --> 2:03:35.260 are you just negative about everything? I was like, can 2:03:35.270 --> 2:03:39.540 you quit being so negative? Speaking death, you know? And 2:03:39.560 --> 2:03:45.040 I'll say this. Studies show that if I spoke to 2:03:45.080 --> 2:03:49.820 a plant, negative, every day, all throughout the day, that 2:03:49.900 --> 2:03:54.900 plant will wither up. A plant speaking negative thoughts to 2:03:54.940 --> 2:03:57.170 a plant, it just starts shriveling up. But if you 2:03:57.190 --> 2:04:00.090 speak life and you see people that are in botany, 2:04:00.270 --> 2:04:01.750 they sing into the plants. 2:04:01.490 --> 2:04:02.670 And talk, hey, how you doing? 2:04:02.890 --> 2:04:06.570 And the plant just be flourishing because it's a living, 2:04:06.990 --> 2:04:10.850 breathing plant. item and so at the end of the 2:04:10.910 --> 2:04:12.910 day life and death are in the power of the 2:04:12.940 --> 2:04:14.540 tongue and they that love to eat the fruit there 2:04:14.600 --> 2:04:15.620 what you write on your key. 2:04:15.600 --> 2:04:19.459 Yes I wrote I you and we as a triangle 2:04:20.300 --> 2:04:23.120 and I said I will love the we more than 2:04:23.140 --> 2:04:23.620 the me. 2:04:23.460 --> 2:04:29.180 That's good yeah self-explanatory. 2:04:28.650 --> 2:04:30.630 Thank you so much I also want to say while 2:04:30.650 --> 2:04:38.730 he walks over there the the the Transparency around rejection 2:04:39.830 --> 2:04:44.740 and toxic masculinity is, I believe, going to help someone. 2:04:44.760 --> 2:04:45.800 Yeah. 2:04:45.900 --> 2:04:49.440 And so I was really appreciative because I know it's 2:04:49.480 --> 2:04:53.670 not easy to open up about that. And I can 2:04:53.730 --> 2:04:58.150 only imagine how painful it is to have such optimism 2:04:58.590 --> 2:05:02.710 and then to learn that my partner isn't attracted to me. 2:05:04.050 --> 2:05:07.970 And what that might must feel like, let alone like privately, 2:05:08.570 --> 2:05:13.470 but then publicly. And so, yeah, I want to I 2:05:13.510 --> 2:05:17.010 just want to celebrate you for even being able to 2:05:17.130 --> 2:05:21.760 speak about that publicly with us. But then also to 2:05:21.820 --> 2:05:26.380 take away even in that humiliation. I think you said 2:05:26.400 --> 2:05:29.300 there were moments where you wanted to be better as 2:05:29.360 --> 2:05:32.540 a person. And that's not always easy because it's like, oh, 2:05:32.580 --> 2:05:36.330 my ego just got bruised and I'm going to sit 2:05:36.410 --> 2:05:38.290 in that. And so I just want to celebrate you 2:05:38.330 --> 2:05:38.750 for that. 2:05:38.790 --> 2:05:40.990 I want to say this before we wrap up, but 2:05:41.010 --> 2:05:42.510 I want you to make this real quick. And I 2:05:42.550 --> 2:05:44.630 wish I could spend more time on this, but I 2:05:44.630 --> 2:05:46.940 just got the notice from Rihanna that we had two hours. 2:05:48.100 --> 2:05:49.640 This is a question I just want to ask you. 2:05:50.570 --> 2:05:53.990 A lot of people attacked your masculinity saying that you 2:05:54.330 --> 2:05:58.930 were feminine saying that, uh, you were gay. 2:05:59.080 --> 2:06:02.960 Yeah. What would you say about that? Yeah. Um, slide 2:06:03.000 --> 2:06:03.720 over to the microphone. 2:06:04.080 --> 2:06:04.580 Yeah, sure. 2:06:04.660 --> 2:06:09.470 So I, I would say that, um, you know, really quickly, 2:06:11.030 --> 2:06:16.490 the same toxic masculinity standards that people have criticized me for. 2:06:16.510 --> 2:06:18.880 Mm-hmm. And the things that I've said to Nikki that 2:06:18.900 --> 2:06:20.740 have been offensive... They were doing it to you. I 2:06:20.760 --> 2:06:21.680 feel like they're doing that to me. 2:06:21.760 --> 2:06:22.020 Yeah. 2:06:22.080 --> 2:06:22.260 Right? 2:06:22.380 --> 2:06:25.150 With expectation of how I should show up as a 2:06:25.190 --> 2:06:28.270 masculine man and how monolithic they see that. 2:06:28.410 --> 2:06:30.810 Like, it's one way to be a masculine person. 2:06:30.850 --> 2:06:33.430 And if you speak with any kind of, like, lisp 2:06:33.510 --> 2:06:36.470 or kindness or with any joy, you know, you fall 2:06:36.490 --> 2:06:38.550 into the category of gay, which is so offensive to 2:06:38.570 --> 2:06:39.680 people who are actually gay. 2:06:39.690 --> 2:06:39.879 Yeah. 2:06:39.940 --> 2:06:42.480 And who actually identify in the LGBTQA population. So. 2:06:42.920 --> 2:06:47.920 I think it's also really symptomatic of how the machine, 2:06:48.160 --> 2:06:51.340 and I think about things like Project 2025 and other 2:06:52.040 --> 2:06:56.570 systems that are designed to help keep marginalized communities separate 2:06:56.590 --> 2:07:01.890 from each other by putting a monolith over how the 2:07:01.950 --> 2:07:04.910 identity should be formed. And then if you don't follow 2:07:04.950 --> 2:07:07.440 into that, then all of a sudden now they're creating 2:07:07.480 --> 2:07:11.100 division amongst that demographic in that group, right? So getting 2:07:11.260 --> 2:07:13.940 us as Black people who are already a minority in 2:07:13.980 --> 2:07:16.130 this country to be separate against each other based on 2:07:16.170 --> 2:07:18.370 what we consider to be gay and not gay, it 2:07:18.390 --> 2:07:22.610 feels like an intentional plan by a bigger system to 2:07:22.650 --> 2:07:25.480 get us to be out of alignment so that there's 2:07:25.520 --> 2:07:27.720 no actual coming together to strengthen that. 2:07:27.960 --> 2:07:30.040 How we celebrate everybody and their differences. 2:07:30.100 --> 2:07:33.900 So, um, I'm, I'm not gay and I've never been, 2:07:33.940 --> 2:07:35.560 but if I was, I wouldn't have a problem with 2:07:35.580 --> 2:07:38.100 that either saying it out loud, but I'm, I'm just not. 2:07:38.180 --> 2:07:42.280 And I think it's just like a really simplistic way 2:07:42.940 --> 2:07:45.700 to say that I don't have the words to articulate 2:07:45.730 --> 2:07:47.700 what I'm seeing in front of me. I've never seen 2:07:47.770 --> 2:07:50.930 a black man who is joyful, who is, uh, you know, 2:07:51.130 --> 2:07:53.090 able to articulate the way he does, who speaks with 2:07:53.330 --> 2:07:53.970 a certain pace. 2:07:54.810 --> 2:07:56.360 Um, Let me ask you this. 2:07:56.400 --> 2:08:00.839 Was there any of our white counterparts accusing that on the. 2:08:00.660 --> 2:08:04.080 Show no not at all i don't think there i 2:08:04.100 --> 2:08:06.280 think there may be one guy who was accused of 2:08:06.340 --> 2:08:11.280 being gay but it's just it's uh yeah was it 2:08:11.380 --> 2:08:15.940 um what's his name uh maybe felipe perhaps was accused, 2:08:16.040 --> 2:08:17.360 but no, I mean. 2:08:17.580 --> 2:08:20.220 So was it chats going on about that? I didn't 2:08:20.240 --> 2:08:22.110 see a lot of heavy chats going on about that. 2:08:22.130 --> 2:08:23.850 And that's what I want to talk about is the 2:08:23.910 --> 2:08:27.390 fact that here you are, they're saying that about you, 2:08:27.430 --> 2:08:29.410 but it's the black community saying that. 2:08:29.410 --> 2:08:31.440 100%. But then their community don't say that. 2:08:32.360 --> 2:08:36.260 And it's like, I'll leave it at that. 2:08:36.360 --> 2:08:42.260 It's really a deep psychological, sociological problem. But I think also, too, it's, 2:08:42.860 --> 2:08:43.770 come on, we got to do better. 2:08:44.010 --> 2:08:44.650 Like, come on, people. 2:08:44.690 --> 2:08:47.110 We can have different kinds of black and brown people. 2:08:47.150 --> 2:08:49.990 That's why, you know, I think about even the way 2:08:50.010 --> 2:08:52.570 I grew up and just being sometimes the smart kid 2:08:52.670 --> 2:08:56.010 in the group. And it was like, oh, Sean's just different, right? 2:08:56.030 --> 2:08:57.730 And so they didn't necessarily know what to do. So 2:08:57.800 --> 2:09:00.900 I was always in these white classrooms with all white students. 2:09:00.940 --> 2:09:01.460 And it was just me. 2:09:02.380 --> 2:09:04.260 And so they didn't know what to do with that. 2:09:04.280 --> 2:09:06.020 So it was kind of like, but I also played basketball. 2:09:06.040 --> 2:09:08.860 I also played football. I couldn't hang out late with 2:09:08.900 --> 2:09:10.480 the kids because my parents wouldn't let me do that 2:09:10.520 --> 2:09:11.350 being a church kid. 2:09:11.910 --> 2:09:13.550 So it was like, he's a church kid. 2:09:13.650 --> 2:09:14.210 He plays sports. 2:09:14.350 --> 2:09:16.870 He does this. He plays music. Well, who is he? 2:09:17.130 --> 2:09:19.810 He got to be gay. That's gay. Oh, that's gay. 2:09:20.310 --> 2:09:23.070 And I'm like, I guess that's what, again, I know 2:09:23.100 --> 2:09:25.240 all the words for it, right? So that's what it 2:09:25.320 --> 2:09:26.339 is in that community. 2:09:26.380 --> 2:09:27.560 But we got to do better. 2:09:27.620 --> 2:09:29.780 We have to have more language and vocabulary to support 2:09:29.800 --> 2:09:31.340 the differences that we see in our people. 2:09:31.760 --> 2:09:35.180 Thank you so much for showing up transparent, vulnerable, and real. 2:09:35.480 --> 2:09:38.980 I don't believe that you carry no, like, airs and 2:09:39.020 --> 2:09:42.760 you held true to what you said. 2:09:42.520 --> 2:09:44.290 That this conversation could be. Yeah. 2:09:44.310 --> 2:09:45.790 Because I was like, he going to get on this 2:09:45.810 --> 2:09:48.110 yellow couch? Is he going to punk out and be 2:09:48.210 --> 2:09:50.530 scared to talk? Like, don't embarrass me because I'm going 2:09:50.550 --> 2:09:52.050 to have a whole other side come out. 2:09:51.990 --> 2:09:53.850 And be like, hold on, bro. Now you saying that, 2:09:53.910 --> 2:09:54.550 hold on. Right. 2:09:54.570 --> 2:09:56.490 And I don't want to be argumentative. I'm like, let's 2:09:56.510 --> 2:10:00.020 just have a conversation. But King, let me tell you something. 2:10:00.040 --> 2:10:00.120 Yeah. 2:10:00.680 --> 2:10:01.220 Beautiful. 2:10:02.180 --> 2:10:04.730 I want to say from one man to another, and 2:10:04.770 --> 2:10:06.570 you're my elder. I'm just a year younger than you, 2:10:06.590 --> 2:10:09.490 so you're my elder. But from one king to another, bro, 2:10:09.830 --> 2:10:11.550 I salute you, man. I'm proud of you. 2:10:11.570 --> 2:10:13.770 I love you. I'm proud of you. 2:10:14.350 --> 2:10:17.220 And I want to encourage you to go back to 2:10:17.260 --> 2:10:19.240 what God called you to walk in. 2:10:19.500 --> 2:10:20.720 And you know what I'm talking about. 2:10:21.160 --> 2:10:24.140 And you need to walk in the calling that God 2:10:24.260 --> 2:10:28.740 called you to walk in. In Jesus' name, you are qualified. 2:10:28.780 --> 2:10:31.630 You are worthy. flow and what God called you to do. 2:10:31.830 --> 2:10:33.410 So how can we support you? 2:10:34.130 --> 2:10:34.490 Yeah. 2:10:34.590 --> 2:10:39.890 So mainly my YouTube channel that I just started up. 2:10:40.460 --> 2:10:43.420 So at Sean C. Best, I'm going to start conversations 2:10:43.480 --> 2:10:46.680 with men similar to this. I want to talk about 2:10:46.720 --> 2:10:49.300 men's feelings and men's feelings. And we're going to have 2:10:49.340 --> 2:10:51.620 a conversation that's right now. I'm going to post some 2:10:51.660 --> 2:10:54.980 of the podcasts I've been doing called Sightlingified, but I 2:10:55.040 --> 2:10:57.180 also will be inviting brothers like you and others to 2:10:57.220 --> 2:10:59.590 come on and just talk about Hey, what was that 2:10:59.650 --> 2:11:01.730 moment that you realized you had to get in touch 2:11:01.770 --> 2:11:05.090 with that feeling? So follow at Sean C. Best, which 2:11:05.130 --> 2:11:07.130 will lead to my website and other projects that are 2:11:07.150 --> 2:11:07.790 coming up as well. 2:11:08.070 --> 2:11:10.390 All right, man. Definitely. Lit Fair. 2:11:10.430 --> 2:11:12.680 Make sure that y'all go follow him on social media. 2:11:12.690 --> 2:11:15.520 The links will be in the description. Make sure you 2:11:15.580 --> 2:11:19.000 follow him, DM him, show him some love. 2:11:19.060 --> 2:11:19.680 Tell him that. 2:11:20.640 --> 2:11:24.840 Actually, tell him specifically what part of this episode spoke 2:11:24.860 --> 2:11:25.160 to you. 2:11:25.760 --> 2:11:27.940 Even deeper, what part healed you? 2:11:28.670 --> 2:11:30.970 That you may have been waiting for a man to 2:11:31.110 --> 2:11:33.100 say some of the words that he said, and he 2:11:33.140 --> 2:11:34.700 gave framework and understanding. 2:11:34.740 --> 2:11:36.640 We like, gosh, I dealt with a man just like that. 2:11:36.720 --> 2:11:37.660 Now I understand. 2:11:38.380 --> 2:11:40.920 DM him, let him know that he has value and 2:11:40.940 --> 2:11:44.120 that he has purpose. And I'm going to say, Sean, 2:11:44.180 --> 2:11:46.920 if you see somebody that DMing you that's. 2:11:46.540 --> 2:11:48.640 Catching your eyes, shoot your shot. 2:11:48.720 --> 2:11:51.040 Don't you disqualify yourself from what God is trying to 2:11:51.060 --> 2:11:51.890 give you alley-oop about. 2:11:52.480 --> 2:11:54.530 I'm only taking personal recommendations at this point. 2:11:54.710 --> 2:11:58.250 Somebody who knows somebody because these DMs are wild. 2:11:58.330 --> 2:12:00.030 Oh, so they already DMed you? 2:12:00.050 --> 2:12:00.930 Yeah, they already DMed me. 2:12:01.030 --> 2:12:01.830 Oh, it's crazy. 2:12:01.850 --> 2:12:04.380 Because I said my type was Lisa Leslie, which is, 2:12:04.590 --> 2:12:07.470 she's 6'5. So, I got a couple people being like, yeah, 2:12:07.530 --> 2:12:11.110 I'm 6'2, just so you know. And I'm like, I mean, 2:12:11.130 --> 2:12:13.130 we could produce some hoopers. I mean, I wouldn't have 2:12:13.150 --> 2:12:13.850 a problem with that. 2:12:13.910 --> 2:12:15.390 He said he used to play basketball. 2:12:15.410 --> 2:12:16.880 Yeah, somebody going to the league. 2:12:17.140 --> 2:12:20.040 So, when you said that's your type, are you still 2:12:20.160 --> 2:12:21.640 open to all heights? 2:12:21.960 --> 2:12:23.180 All heights, yeah. 2:12:23.240 --> 2:12:25.580 You know, I'm open to all complexions. I want a 2:12:25.620 --> 2:12:27.720 black woman, though. That is the number one thing. I 2:12:28.620 --> 2:12:31.140 think my ex said there's... I'm more than a black woman. 2:12:31.180 --> 2:12:33.020 And to me, there's nothing more than a black woman. 2:12:33.040 --> 2:12:34.930 From a black woman, everything comes in the world. 2:12:35.200 --> 2:12:37.950 That's good. That's good. So listen, Sean, may the love 2:12:37.990 --> 2:12:39.910 you share today outlive the season you're in. 2:12:40.290 --> 2:12:42.850 May it carry you through the days when words are 2:12:42.970 --> 2:12:44.590 few and faith has. 2:12:44.450 --> 2:12:45.210 To do the talking. 2:12:45.450 --> 2:12:49.860 Y'all give it up for our homie, Sean Bessler. Ladarian, 2:12:50.920 --> 2:12:55.060 rusted suddenly into Child Protective Services in 2015. 2:12:55.060 --> 2:12:57.660 My nephew, black, a boy. 2:12:58.310 --> 2:13:04.470 The likelihood of being adopted outside of kinship, slim to none. Armani, 2:13:04.470 --> 2:13:08.160 16 years old, black, a boy with five years in 2:13:08.200 --> 2:13:10.520 the foster care system before I even knew his name. 2:13:11.380 --> 2:13:15.050 The likelihood of ever being adopted. Yep, you guessed it. 2:13:15.740 --> 2:13:20.260 Slim to none. While Adarian and Armani were trying to 2:13:20.300 --> 2:13:23.960 survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded foster 2:13:23.980 --> 2:13:27.100 care system, I was living my own life, doing well professionally. 2:13:27.680 --> 2:13:29.840 Having been a single father with a daughter who at 2:13:29.880 --> 2:13:32.440 that point was doing well in college, it was my 2:13:32.480 --> 2:13:35.040 time to live my life right. Wrong. 2:13:36.200 --> 2:13:39.380 I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated. 2:13:40.380 --> 2:13:43.700 There are just too many of our black children stuck 2:13:44.040 --> 2:13:47.180 in ambiguity and in the limbo of the foster care system. 2:13:48.050 --> 2:13:52.590 In 2017, I legally adopted my nephew, Ladarian. Fast forward 2:13:52.830 --> 2:13:55.110 to 2019, I had no ties to this other young king, 2:13:55.150 --> 2:13:57.820 but I felt God instructed me to adopt him also, 2:13:57.840 --> 2:14:02.020 and I obeyed. Starting over with parenting should have been enough, right? 2:14:02.080 --> 2:14:04.820 Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help 2:14:04.860 --> 2:14:07.960 bring awareness to the countless young black kings in the 2:14:08.020 --> 2:14:12.450 foster care system should have decreased my agitation, right? Joining 2:14:12.480 --> 2:14:15.660 the Board of Directors of Advantage Adoption, an organization that 2:14:15.700 --> 2:14:19.020 helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in foster care, 2:14:19.200 --> 2:14:21.320 should have led to some type of resolve, right? 2:14:21.720 --> 2:14:23.640 No, not at all. 2:14:24.440 --> 2:14:27.880 None of it felt like I had done enough. I 2:14:27.920 --> 2:14:32.210 now realize that every one of those experiences was laying 2:14:32.230 --> 2:14:34.590 the fundamental foundation for my life's mission. 2:14:35.570 --> 2:14:36.310 Kingdom Royale. 2:14:37.290 --> 2:14:41.210 Kingdom Royale will be a luxury state-of-the-art home for foster boys. 2:14:41.570 --> 2:14:44.810 Our first location will be in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. 2:14:45.010 --> 2:14:47.490 We will utilize the whole person approach. 2:14:47.350 --> 2:14:51.330 That instills identity, empowers them to advocate for themselves, and 2:14:51.390 --> 2:14:55.540 enlightens them regarding new perspectives and limitless options that they 2:14:55.660 --> 2:15:00.040 thought were impossible. Though the Young Kings will attend the 2:15:00.080 --> 2:15:03.320 local public schools that are in proximity to Kingdom Royale, 2:15:03.760 --> 2:15:07.560 our at-home curriculum will broaden their worldview through participating in 2:15:07.600 --> 2:15:11.780 the arts, attending various cultural events, learning about and engaging 2:15:11.840 --> 2:15:16.730 in multifaceted discussions about current events and even relevant historical contexts, 2:15:17.200 --> 2:15:20.770 introducing them to gardening and landscaping, and even caring for 2:15:20.850 --> 2:15:25.110 our animals on our farm and onsite stables. We just 2:15:25.170 --> 2:15:29.390 launched our startup capital campaign with the goal of raising $ 2. 2:15:29.290 --> 2:15:32.470 8 million. Now, why $ 2. 8 million? 2:15:32.530 --> 2:15:34.690 Well, in 2017, I created a web series in which 2:15:34.770 --> 2:15:38.550 I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless community. 2:15:38.990 --> 2:15:40.890 One of the most notable successes was. 2:15:40.810 --> 2:15:46.460 That one of the videos went viral, garnering 28 million views. However, 2:15:46.900 --> 2:15:49.020 one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't raise 2:15:49.060 --> 2:15:52.380 a single dollar to help in implementing a more sustainable 2:15:52.440 --> 2:15:56.610 plan for the homeless community. So throughout the years, with 2:15:56.800 --> 2:16:00.300 much remorse, I reflected on not maximizing that moment. 2:16:00.400 --> 2:16:01.760 I knew if at that. 2:16:01.620 --> 2:16:05.680 Time, just 10% of the viewers donated $ 1, we would 2:16:05.700 --> 2:16:09.820 have raised at least $ 2. 8 million that could have really 2:16:09.890 --> 2:16:13.210 established long-term support for the homeless community, or at least 2:16:13.530 --> 2:16:18.350 started a long-term initiative to do so. This is my do-over. 2:16:19.110 --> 2:16:22.690 This is our new beginning. Together, we can attack this 2:16:22.890 --> 2:16:26.700 at the root by specifically helping our homeless black boys 2:16:27.020 --> 2:16:31.600 who are already disproportionately represented in the American foster care system. 2:16:32.520 --> 2:16:33.540 I'm Latarris R. Whitfield. 2:16:33.580 --> 2:16:37.000 I've been nominated for three regional Emmys, documenting my work 2:16:37.040 --> 2:16:39.920 with the homeless, as well as my personal adoption journey. 2:16:40.580 --> 2:16:45.029 Despite those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly 2:16:45.150 --> 2:16:51.240 providing the infrastructure for a transformed life. Visit KingdomRoyale.com for 2:16:51.260 --> 2:16:55.800 more details. Crown a king and make a donation today. 2:17:02.650 --> 2:17:04.970 I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dear Future 2:17:05.010 --> 2:17:10.650 Wifey podcast. Remember, be lit, live intentionally and transparently, and 2:17:10.690 --> 2:17:13.540 don't stop loving. Make sure to subscribe to our Dear 2:17:13.580 --> 2:17:18.030 Future Wife YouTube channel. We're available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, 2:17:18.050 --> 2:17:21.400 and Stitcher. We welcome your support. Simply share our podcast 2:17:21.440 --> 2:17:22.260 with your friends and family.