WEBVTT - Brielle Gillingham - You can do anything with BPD 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:02.600 The ZM podcast Network. 0:00:04.240 --> 0:00:07.640 I couldn't control my emotions, especially my anger, and it 0:00:07.680 --> 0:00:10.520 was just boiling over into every part of my life. 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:14.560 Having that stigma where people have that misunderstanding of BPD 0:00:14.880 --> 0:00:17.880 that they instantly think, oh, this person has BPD, they're 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:22.280 really unstable, and that's just not true. 0:00:23.400 --> 0:00:26.200 Hi, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or whatever time 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:28.280 soon or whatever time that you're listening to. This. This 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:31.120 is Hope is Real the podcast. The podcast designed to 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.280 help you feel a little less alone, a bit more inspired, 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:38.120 and a lot more hopeful. Now, today's episode is one 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.280 that I am really excited about. I know that I 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:42.920 say that every single episode, but it's because it's true. 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:46.120 But this person is someone that I recently actually just 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:49.159 met when we were recording of Voices of Hope campaign. 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:53.800 Her name is Breal and she's a counselor from Altedola, 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:57.880 from New Zealand, and she lives with borderline personality disorder. 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:01.640 She was diagnosed at thirty and her whole world kind 0:01:01.680 --> 0:01:05.679 of shifted. Brielle's story is one that is both heart 0:01:05.680 --> 0:01:09.759 wrenching but also so inspiring and touches on a whole 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.400 lot of different things. The girl moved to Russia. When 0:01:12.440 --> 0:01:15.600 she was a child, she experienced a lot of bullying, 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:18.160 and we kind of unpack what was it that led 0:01:18.200 --> 0:01:21.240 to her BPD diagnosis, how did she feel about it, 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:24.399 how did her family react, kind of unpacking a whole 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:27.479 bunch of stuff that happened along the way. And again, 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:30.480 Brielle was someone that as I was interviewing her for 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:33.720 the Voices of Hope Project, I was just like, man, 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:35.760 I need to know more. I need to know more 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:38.640 of her story. And this episode is filled with tangents 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:41.280 and a whole lot of stuff that we just as 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:43.280 we talk about we kind of we literally talk about 0:01:43.319 --> 0:01:46.840 everything and anything under the sun. But it's a beautiful episode. 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:50.320 She's a beautiful person. And again, as always trigger warning 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:52.320 for the kind of things that we do talk about. 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:54.840 If you have BPD or you know someone with BPD, 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:57.360 this is a great episode for you, but do take 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:59.520 your time and know that at any point you can 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:01.600 stop it. You can come back to it, talk to 0:02:01.600 --> 0:02:04.840 people if you need to. But Brielle's story is coming 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:12.000 up right after this Brea. Welcome to Hope for is 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:14.800 a real podcast. I'm really excited to have you on. 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:18.240 I actually got to interview you recently for Voices of 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:20.120 Hope project, and as I was talking to you, I 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:22.120 was like, I need to know more. I need to 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:24.160 sit down with you, I need to have you on here, 0:02:24.720 --> 0:02:27.440 and I'm super super excited. So for Federal, thank you 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:29.639 for coming, Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh. 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:32.639 Of course, when we were talking on the project that 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:37.239 we were doing, I was just really captivated and amazed 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:39.440 by the way that you were able to articulate a 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:43.519 lot of things that specifically here in an ALTI but 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:46.720 also around the world is so stigmatized. And I'm going 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:50.399 to kind of just honestly dive straight in. You were 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:55.520 diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which for a lot of people, 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:58.280 and especially I would say, in the healthcare system, and 0:02:59.160 --> 0:03:01.720 kind of just glow believe there's so much stigma and 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:05.400 so much misunderstanding. But not only are you diagnosed with BPD, 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:10.320 you're also a counselor, yes, which is like just phenomenal, 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:13.480 and so I would love to know kind of I 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:15.000 will kind of go back and forth a little bit. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:16.639 I want to know about you childhood and stuff soon. 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:20.880 But when you got that diagnosis of BPD, can you 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:23.960 tell me what happened? What was the lead up? What happened? 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:26.600 How did you feel? So? 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:32.240 Yeah, So the lead up to it was I was, 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:35.360 I think mentally in a really really really rough place, 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:41.720 and I think I'd reached a point where I just 0:03:41.840 --> 0:03:44.880 did not know who I was anymore. 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:47.720 And I knew. 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:52.440 That it had gotten to a point where, you know, 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:56.200 I'd been struggling with depression my whole life, like that 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:59.800 was just a given since definitely since I was seventeen, 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:02.680 and at this point I was, I was thirty, you know, 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:05.440 but this had just reached a point where. 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:07.120 It was, you know, this wasn't it. 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:10.800 And I was living in England at the. 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:13.720 Time, and my GP was like, you know, we've tried 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:17.720 all these different medications, you've tried all this. You know, 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:25.080 you've tried therapy. I'm gonna refer you to a psychiatrist. 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:30.120 I was angry all the time. I was emotional all 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:34.640 the time. I couldn't control my emotions, could especially my 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:40.840 anger over the most ridiculous things, and it was just 0:04:40.920 --> 0:04:47.360 becoming something that I just couldn't have any control over 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:49.359 and it was just boiling over into every. 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:50.720 Part of my life. 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:55.920 And I went and saw the public psychiatrist within England, 0:04:57.320 --> 0:04:59.320 and it took a few times to go and see 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:03.080 different psychiatrists because it was the public systems. 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.320 You didn't see the same psychiatrist. 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:09.679 Bumpy Road because obviously you don't get a straight answer. 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:15.039 So initially they thought, obviously it might be bipolar, but 0:05:15.120 --> 0:05:22.880 eventually they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder or emotional 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:27.040 instability personality disorder. How do you feel about that title 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:35.200 emotional instability? Yeah, it frustrates me. Yeah, it immensely frustrates 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:40.839 me because that means that it's just emotional instability that 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:46.800 encapsulates one part of what borderline personality is. 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:49.640 I also think that that specific title is what also 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:52.520 creates so much of the stigma, right, is like that 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.720 it's you just can't, you can't control your emotions and 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:58.240 it's just too like and obviously, like you said, that's 0:05:58.240 --> 0:05:59.960 a part of it. But then when you are deal 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:04.200 with like physical health things and a physical health like 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:07.960 setting and then they see you've got BBD, it's an 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.080 immediate kind of switch in their brain of like what's 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:13.039 actually going on. And that's because of all of these 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:16.560 other bloody things that it's been kind of thrown around 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.520 as how did you feel when you found out that 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:20.680 you had that diagnosis. 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:30.679 Peace, because well, a range of different emotions eventually peace, 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:37.919 I should say, mainly peace, But I think initially terrified 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:44.200 purely because they don't they don't really set you up 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:49.000 to feel or to understand exactly what it is. They're 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:54.080 sort of like, here's your diagnosis, bye bye. And they 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:57.960 also they do like a check in sort of afterwards, 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.920 and they don't really support you in that way because 0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:06.240 obviously they also said to me, you can also get 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:07.200 over it by. 0:07:09.760 --> 0:07:16.120 Having a life event, So get married or have a baby. Huh. Yeah, 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:18.200 you can get over it by having a life event. 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:22.160 A life event. That's the cure, the cure, the cure. 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:24.960 Yeah, what is going on? 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.520 Yes, okay, that's. 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:28.920 I have not heard that. 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:31.680 You're obviously so you've got that's from a lens of 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.800 someone who has been diagnosed with BBD. You also have 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.160 this from a lens of someone who's a counselor on 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.120 your counselor brain. What is your response to that? 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:43.560 So I can look at it from multiple lenses, from 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:45.680 a from a from a lens of a of a 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:49.560 person who has borderline personality disorder? How do I say 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:55.800 this diplomatically. That's just not true. That's just not true. Yeah, 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.960 a life event is not a cure for mental health. 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:02.520 I just need to know where this guy got his 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:07.520 license from. That's just like, I'm sorry. If that was 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:09.760 the cure, I think we'd all just go get married 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:10.840 and pop a baby out. 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.360 Like I mean, at the time, I was a teacher, 0:08:14.480 --> 0:08:17.760 so I wasn't a counselor. I mean, with my counselor 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:21.840 had on, I would like, I'd want to slap him 0:08:21.840 --> 0:08:25.880 with his degree me to or his PhD or whatever 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:29.040 the hell he had to get his doctorate or whatever, 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:34.679 because even with my qualifications, a life event is not 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:39.640 going to solve your problems, no at all, like not remotely. 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:42.360 And also, BPD is something that you can't really get 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:46.280 diagnosed with until is it, like after sixteen or eighteen. 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:47.520 That's when they prefer. 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:48.400 To give the diagnosis. 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:51.320 Very much, So, yeah, very much, because it's like, obviously 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:53.560 it's not that's not the same as a lot of 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:56.920 other meant wellnesses. This one is often kind of deep 0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:00.800 rooted in some kind of childhood trauma that has retrained 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:04.360 the brain, and so sometimes you don't see the effets 0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:06.280 of that. And also a lot of the times that 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:09.080 can be misdiagnosed as different things. I know, for you, 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:12.800 obviously they were looking at possibly bipolar. I know. For me, 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:17.280 I had the diagnosis of BPD when I was nineteen, 0:09:17.320 --> 0:09:20.520 I think, and I remember I never got told. I 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.120 just saw it on like a discharge thing. And then 0:09:24.760 --> 0:09:28.600 like many years later, I saw another psychiatrist and psychologists 0:09:28.600 --> 0:09:31.360 and they were like, no, you've got PTSD and ADHD 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:35.000 and those combined have similar symptoms. Because I never never 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:37.520 had a lot of the symptoms of BPD, but they 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:40.760 slapped it on and then it affected every other time 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:42.640 that I went in to seek medical care. 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:45.400 This is the issue with clinical notes as well. Yeah, 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.360 they don't tell you on your clinical notes, and you 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:52.440 can request your clinical notes as well, and this is 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:54.320 how you have to be, like, you have to be 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:58.880 careful with clinical notes because people can request those, yeah, 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:00.840 and that's. 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:04.520 That's they can misdiagnose people. 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:08.040 That's so bad, which then impacts But it should never 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:10.760 impact anyway the way that someone is being viewed and 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:12.320 treated in the healthcare system. 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:13.240 Absolutely not. 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:17.480 But it does. Oh because of the stigmas. I would 0:10:17.520 --> 0:10:19.480 love to know, you know, kind of speaking on this, 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:24.520 and especially to the people who know someone with BPD, 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:27.640 who are working with someone with BPD, all of those things. 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:31.040 As someone who lives with it, what do you want 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:33.480 these other people to know, Like, explain what it is 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:37.240 to live with BPD. Explain what it is to experience that. 0:10:37.360 --> 0:10:40.800 But also I know that it's not doesn't define you, 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:43.320 and you still have so many other things about you. 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:46.359 Like sorry, that's a big, wide winded question. 0:10:46.200 --> 0:10:51.000 But I mean living with BPD is I mean, it's 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:53.800 it's one hundred percent not linear, and I have. 0:10:55.240 --> 0:10:56.920 Really really good. 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:04.439 Pockets of time and moments and days and months, and 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.280 and then you know, then it can fall onto the 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:10.240 back foot where I don't have. 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:12.480 Good times. 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:15.160 And I think. 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:20.840 Having that stigma where people, you know, when people have 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:24.880 that misunderstanding of BPD, that they instantly think, oh, this 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:28.920 person has BPD, you know they're really unstable. 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:31.400 And that's just not true. 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:34.520 It's also the manipulative thing that I seely get strong 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:36.760 around to a lot as well, is that they're just manipulative, 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:39.240 and it's like, no, they're just terrified of losing you 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:41.800 and they're terrified of abandonment, and so they're going to 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:43.360 do everything they can to hold on to. 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:49.079 That like it's yeah, sorry, oh no, absolutely absolutely, and 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:53.760 you know it's it's I think having that that that attachment, 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:59.040 you know, can be really really difficult, which is I 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.719 think why I mean personally, I keep my circle very 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:09.960 small because of that. I disappointment is very difficult for 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:14.160 me to deal with. So like if we make plans, 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:21.840 If we do make plans, I have to know what's happening. 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:26.280 And if those plans change, I need enough time in 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:28.520 advance to know when they're going to change, how they're 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:33.400 going to change, and if they're changing, why are they changing. 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.520 So there's like there's these things in advance that have 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:41.679 to happen, and for some people that's too much for 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.160 them to handle because it is a lot, it's a 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:47.280 lot to take on. Because if those types of things 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:53.120 don't happen and they fall apart, sometimes I can't cope 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:57.160 with that and that's a bit too much and for 0:12:57.480 --> 0:12:59.119 some people, and that's totally understandable. 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:02.680 If that's too much for Pete, that's fine. But that's 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:03.120 why my. 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:05.880 Circle is small, because the people that are in that 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:07.720 circle can handle that. 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:12.160 Yeah, I was talking to a phenomenal woman, doctor Courtney 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.200 Tracy from the US who's a psychologist who also lives 0:13:15.200 --> 0:13:18.360 with BPD, and I was asking her a similar question 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.800 around like what would you say to friends and family 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:24.679 of those who have BPD? And I remember she just 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:26.880 kind of sat there and paused and was just like, 0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:30.640 I'm so sorry, Like you have to understand, we don't 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:32.600 want this as much as you don't want this, Like 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:34.760 this is not something that we choose, This is not 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.560 something that we want. We know how destructive it can be, 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:41.280 we know how hard it can be, but give us grace. 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:45.840 And I think that's so important for people to understand that, 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:49.400 Like a lot of people living with BPD, like you know, 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:52.760 and you're aware of the behavior and the actions, maybe 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:54.440 not at the time and it's happening, but you know 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:56.840 that it's a thing that you have, but it's not 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:01.400 something you can control. Yeah, And I mean, what for 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:05.080 you would you say to people who do have BPD 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:09.920 in regards to like probably on with your counselor hair on, 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:12.440 Like what are things that they people can do to 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:17.480 be able to kind of help manage deal with understand 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:18.960 the ebbs and flows of it. 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:24.480 I think for people with BPD, I think everyone manages 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:29.360 their BPD differently. I learned recently about myself that I 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:34.360 internalize a lot of what I have going on, and 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:38.280 that a lot of what I have going on people 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:39.680 don't realize. 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:41.320 Unless I vocalize it. 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:47.520 So if you are wanting people to understand you more, 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:51.200 you need to be able to communicate that to them. 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:55.880 If they're important to you and you want them to 0:14:55.920 --> 0:15:01.160 be able to help you and understand you, they need 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:03.680 to be able to understand what's going on in here, 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:07.880 but they can't do that unless you talk to them. 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:15.040 Everyone with BPD has different things that tick them over. 0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:25.120 For me, particularly anger is my tipping point, but I 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:30.200 internalize it and so a lot of it is being 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:35.000 able to communicate that so that people can understand why 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:37.800 it is the way that is. And I think if 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:43.200 you have loved ones that are wanting to support you 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:47.840 with your BPD, it is helpful to be able to 0:15:48.560 --> 0:15:51.200 be able to communicate with them. I think if you're 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:57.480 struggling and there's not the support that's around you, that 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.720 can make it a bit more difficult, and that is 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:05.120 that is a lot harder and I do, I definitely 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:10.440 do empathize with that. When I lived in England, I 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:12.600 didn't have my family around me, and I was still 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:16.600 trying to navigate my BPD once I had the diagnosis 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:18.720 and trying to figure that out. And I'd had friends 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:24.800 who were really good, but bless them, they were they 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.520 were taking the brunt of it, the poor things, and 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:32.440 I will forever feel guilty for them having to take 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:36.920 the brunt of that. And so I think a lot 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:42.600 of your own self care and learning what self care 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:48.320 is for you that works for me at that time, 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:58.080 Borrowing into myself which was sleep, which was a healing 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:03.120 process for me at that time, Creating a safe environment 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:06.639 within myself, which was I think my room at the 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:11.320 time that was keeping me safe because it was out 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:18.000 like it kept what felt unsafe outside, and that meant 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:18.480 that my. 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.040 Triggers were outside of that space. 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:25.000 That's really good. Been able to have those those kinds 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:28.679 of things, I think is so important. And also the 0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:30.600 reason that I was so stoked that we had you 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:32.720 on this first campaign and to have you here now 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:35.480 is that I know so many young people who get 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.720 the diagnosis of BPD and then think that their life 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.159 is over and think that they're not going to be 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.240 able to do anything, and they see the way that 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:44.439 they're treated, and they see the way that they're responded to, 0:17:44.600 --> 0:17:47.280 and they think that they can't have any careers or 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:49.840 they can't do these things. But you're sitting here, you're 0:17:49.840 --> 0:17:52.560 a counselor you live with BPD, like you've been a teacher, 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.800 You've done all these things. And I think that's so 0:17:55.920 --> 0:18:00.960 inspirational for people that do have this diegnosis and living 0:18:01.000 --> 0:18:04.879 with this. And like we kind of said earlier, BPD 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:09.680 something that develops in the brain from some kind of trauma. 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:13.439 And I know that with yours, you went through a 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:16.679 crazy amount of bullying when you were younger. Can you 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:17.199 talk about that? 0:18:18.200 --> 0:18:20.879 Yeah, So mine was sort of from when I was 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:27.480 seven and up until I was about seventeen, So it 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:32.160 was sort of long winded bullying off and on, which. 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:33.200 Is probably why. 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:37.399 Where it sort of stemmed from, which is probably why 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:42.560 when I got my diagnosis at thirty, it was eventually 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:48.159 became peace because I could go, oh my god, at seven, 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:51.280 this is where it started for me. When I was seven, 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:53.400 my family and I, which was my mum and dad 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:57.320 and my older sister, we moved to Russia for four years. 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:01.439 That's so wild, I know, just in general, that's such 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.520 a wild statement. We just moved to Russia. 0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:08.520 I know, my dad got a job over there. We 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:10.359 were supposed to go for three years. We ended up 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:13.040 going for four years, and. 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:13.600 I hated it. 0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:14.440 I hated it. 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:18.359 The rest of my family loved it, but it was 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:23.960 not the best for me, purely because I did not 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:31.159 have the best time socially. We went to Me and 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:33.560 my sister went to an international American school while we 0:19:33.560 --> 0:19:39.000 were there, and I was sort of just like the 0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:46.040 social outcast. I had no friends. I was very much 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:48.800 the I think there was in the total number of 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:51.359 I can't remember how many students they were there, but 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:54.159 of the hundred there was over there was hundreds of 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:57.400 kids there, and most of them were American. But of them, 0:19:57.480 --> 0:19:59.639 I think there was like I remember there being like 0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:03.880 a groan of how many students like nationalities, and there 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:06.800 was like six New Zealanders, so there was like obviously 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:09.199 not very many, two of them obviously being me and 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:15.600 my sister. And I just remember me, I had zero friends, 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:22.800 and I just remember being very alienated, for I was 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:26.280 very eccentric, very quirky, and very much that was very 0:20:26.320 --> 0:20:32.120 much like picked on for that just very much that's 0:20:32.240 --> 0:20:34.400 that's sort of just what sticks out in my head. 0:20:37.480 --> 0:20:42.480 And I just remember one particular girl very much, highlighting 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:45.879 it every sort of twist and turn, how much how 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:51.439 much I was not like, how different I was, and 0:20:51.480 --> 0:20:54.080 how much I was not like the rest and do 0:20:54.119 --> 0:20:57.760 you know, just those kind of things, And that was 0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:00.639 that was at that point. And then and obviously we 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:08.800 came home when I was eleven. 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:06.840 And then it was. 0:21:09.400 --> 0:21:12.840 And then I remember being an intermediate and. 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:13.960 I remember. 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:19.840 There being like a vote about whether I could be 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:24.200 whether I would be a good enough friend in a group, 0:21:24.359 --> 0:21:26.239 like being like whether I would be allowed to be 0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:30.920 friends with like anyone the vote yeah, oh my god, yeah, 0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:33.359 and so like so there's like these kind of things, 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:40.199 so and so what one of the idiosyncrasies. One of 0:21:40.240 --> 0:21:44.159 the things that is that attaches itself to me is 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:49.080 I remember the negative things in my life more than 0:21:49.119 --> 0:21:52.159 I remember the positive things. That's what sticks with me 0:21:52.960 --> 0:21:58.200 I am. I think it's just part of who I am. 0:21:58.280 --> 0:22:00.679 That makes sense though, Like that something I know that 0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:03.719 even when, for example, like scrolling through social media and 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:05.840 I would see hundreds of good comments and you see 0:22:05.840 --> 0:22:07.640 one bad comment and you're like and then you think 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:09.600 about that for the next ten years. Yes, Like it's 0:22:09.680 --> 0:22:12.760 you know, I think the human brain for some reason 0:22:13.119 --> 0:22:15.360 just dwells so much on the negative stuff. But when 0:22:15.359 --> 0:22:18.160 it is so much that it almost blocks out all 0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:20.520 of the positive stuff, that's when you have you know, 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:21.960 these big issues there. 0:22:22.119 --> 0:22:25.719 Yeah, and that's all you can focus on. Yeah, And 0:22:25.760 --> 0:22:28.080 so the you go through life and like that's all 0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:31.000 you can remember. And then so you go from intermediate 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:36.840 and to high school and that sort of sticks out. 0:22:36.880 --> 0:22:41.520 And that's sort of when my weight changed, and then 0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:46.480 my weight went up, and then that's you know, high 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:49.560 school sucks. Yeah already, Yeah, you know, we all know. 0:22:49.680 --> 0:22:53.480 High school's you know, the worst place on earth. Correct, 0:22:53.640 --> 0:22:55.560 you want to send anyone to the worst place on earth? 0:22:55.600 --> 0:22:56.560 Send them to high school? 0:22:56.640 --> 0:22:57.440 Four teenagers? 0:22:57.520 --> 0:22:58.119 Oh, I know. 0:22:59.080 --> 0:23:03.960 But then it just sort of deteriorated a lot from there. 0:23:04.040 --> 0:23:06.359 And from there then were there were my mental health. 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:16.320 And I remember the mind games, you know, and but 0:23:16.640 --> 0:23:21.439 and I remember the you know, the fat jokes. The 0:23:24.880 --> 0:23:30.840 I remember walking past someone and they would like as 0:23:30.840 --> 0:23:33.119 I was walking past them, they would make the sound 0:23:33.280 --> 0:23:37.439 like a giant like the boom boom boom sound like 0:23:37.600 --> 0:23:41.880 you were walking past someone and I actually subconsciously actually 0:23:41.920 --> 0:23:46.359 tried to walk lighter because I thought that that would 0:23:46.359 --> 0:23:57.000 make them stop like that kind of stuff. And you 0:23:57.000 --> 0:24:01.359 can just imagine those kind of things and then somehow 0:24:01.560 --> 0:24:05.360 like people having issues with you and you've never met 0:24:05.440 --> 0:24:07.880 them before and. 0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:10.560 They just came out. 0:24:10.400 --> 0:24:13.240 From you from left and right because you knew you 0:24:13.320 --> 0:24:18.760 were just easy pray. 0:24:19.400 --> 0:24:21.760 And I mean, I get to speak in schools all 0:24:21.760 --> 0:24:23.679