Speaker 1: The ZM podcast network.
Speaker 2: And so I did something that I wish I never did,
Speaker 2: and that was just blocked it.
Speaker 1: If you don't deal, it's gonna break you. It's gonna
Speaker 1: happen eventually.
Speaker 2: And it would have been better for me to have
Speaker 2: done it when it happened rather than let it build.
Speaker 2: No matter what people say or the situation that you
Speaker 2: were in, that it's not your fault. Hi, guys, welcome
Speaker 2: to Hope It's Real Season three. I cannot believe I'm
Speaker 2: even saying that. It's so crazy that I was able
Speaker 2: to do one season, let alone all three. It has
Speaker 2: been a wild adventure and I am so insanely excited
Speaker 2: for the season. We are sitting down with some phenomenal
Speaker 2: people from all around the world. We've got everyone from Bobrooks,
Speaker 2: from the Janoskians.
Speaker 1: If you're a millennial then you know that name.
Speaker 2: To just some phenomenal people that have lived through some
Speaker 2: crazy stories and come through the other side. And there's
Speaker 2: always this This podcast is designed to help you feel
Speaker 2: a little less alone, a bit more inspired, and as
Speaker 2: always a lot more hopeful. And I really think that
Speaker 2: season three is going to be a really big anchor
Speaker 2: for that and so I'm really looking forward to it,
Speaker 2: and for this very first episode, it's a bit of
Speaker 2: a special one and it's something that I've been wanting
Speaker 2: to do for a long time but needed to find.
Speaker 1: The right time and the right space to do.
Speaker 2: So this episode is going to be a little bit different.
Speaker 2: I am going to basically be flipping the script and
Speaker 2: I have brought in someone that a lot of you
Speaker 2: will know. If you follow me on social media, i'll
Speaker 2: follow my story, you'll know Genevieve Moore. She's the co
Speaker 2: founder of Voices of Hope, one of my very good friends.
Speaker 2: And this episode, we're going to be talking about things
Speaker 2: that has happened for me over the last few years
Speaker 2: that I have not yet talked about. And there's a
Speaker 2: lot of reasons that I didn't talk about it publicly
Speaker 2: when it happened. But it feels like the right time
Speaker 2: now to be able to do that, and to do
Speaker 2: so from the position that I'm in, from the perspective
Speaker 2: that I have. But it's not something that I wanted
Speaker 2: to do, just kind of talking at you all. And
Speaker 2: so Jen was kind of there through all of this
Speaker 2: and she saw it all firsthand. So I thought that
Speaker 2: it'd be a good idea to bring her into this
Speaker 2: episode and have her basically, like I said, flip the
Speaker 2: script and she's going to be interviewing me. We're going
Speaker 2: to be more so just having a conversation. But I
Speaker 2: think it's just going to enable me to be able
Speaker 2: to talk about this rather than just talking straight to
Speaker 2: a mic into a camera. But talking to someone makes
Speaker 2: it a little bit easier. I will give a trigger
Speaker 2: warning here that this episode will talk about sexual assault
Speaker 2: and it will talk about suicidality, and so if that's
Speaker 2: something that you feel like you can't deal with at
Speaker 2: the moment, or that might really trigger you, please it's
Speaker 2: okay to pause this episode now, take care of yourself.
Speaker 2: You can come back to it later, not at all,
Speaker 2: It's fully up to you. I'm going to welcome Genevieve
Speaker 2: more welcome to Hope.
Speaker 1: It's a real the podcast.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me, And honestly, I
Speaker 3: know we've been friends for a long time, and I
Speaker 3: feel really to be trusted in a safe place to
Speaker 3: hold this conversation because I know it's not an easy
Speaker 3: conversation for you to have, but I think it's so
Speaker 3: incredibly important and I know for a fact that unfortunately
Speaker 3: a lot of your listeners are going to be able
Speaker 3: to relate to something that you're about to talk about.
Speaker 3: So thank you, first of all for being brave. How
Speaker 3: are you feeling.
Speaker 1: I feel going to throw up.
Speaker 2: I feel so nervous, I think because I just I
Speaker 2: haven't spoken about this publicly, but I just think so
Speaker 2: much of everything I've shared in my life has always
Speaker 2: been from the point of being so far out of
Speaker 2: it that I can I feel like I can talk
Speaker 2: about it almost attached, whereas this has been a lot
Speaker 2: more recent.
Speaker 1: But I feel like it's so important.
Speaker 2: So I feel ready and I feel honored to have
Speaker 2: a platform that I can have this conversation.
Speaker 1: But I am very.
Speaker 3: Nervous, understandably, and I think, like you said, you know
Speaker 3: you haven't rushed into this.
Speaker 1: It's been something you've been thinking about for a while.
Speaker 3: And I just know that people are going to be
Speaker 3: really grateful for the opportunity to listen to such a
Speaker 3: big part of your life. And I think you know,
Speaker 3: people will not be surprised to hear that over the
Speaker 3: last few years there's been some things going on behind
Speaker 3: the scenes, because I think in many ways you've alluded
Speaker 3: to some challenges that you've faced, and so to have
Speaker 3: the opportunity to dig deeper into it is something I'm
Speaker 3: again really grateful to be part of.
Speaker 1: So let's take it back to the beginning.
Speaker 3: Tell me from the get go, you had an experience,
Speaker 3: for lack of better word, while you were overseas that
Speaker 3: started a really really slippery slope for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So it was.
Speaker 2: It was a few years ago, and I was in
Speaker 2: a different country and I ended up in a situation
Speaker 2: where I don't drink a lot, like giver at all.
Speaker 2: I could literally count on one hand the amount of
Speaker 2: times I've ever been drunk. It's just not something that
Speaker 2: I do. I don't like that feeling of losing control
Speaker 2: or anything. And there was one night that I was
Speaker 2: having like a couple of drinks with some people that
Speaker 2: I didn't know, and I remember I was being so
Speaker 2: careful about the amount that I was drinking because I'm
Speaker 2: such a lightweight because I don't drink, and I started
Speaker 2: to someone else started pouring my drinks, and I remember
Speaker 2: starting to feel really woozy and.
Speaker 1: Kind of I didn't really know what was going on, And.
Speaker 2: The night kind of went on and as the night continued,
Speaker 2: I just became more and more out of it, and
Speaker 2: that night I ended up being sexually assaulted again.
Speaker 1: And I think, I think that the gain.
Speaker 2: Part is what's really hard, because it's it was. There
Speaker 2: was so much of like how did I end up
Speaker 2: back in this situation?
Speaker 1: And I remember.
Speaker 2: My brain was like I could I knew what was happening,
Speaker 2: but my body couldn't move and couldn't respond, and I
Speaker 2: didn't know if I'd been roofeed or if something.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what was going on, but I couldn't
Speaker 1: move and it was so traumatizing as that is, but
Speaker 1: at this point.
Speaker 2: I was also so in the public eye, and yeah,
Speaker 2: I didn't know how to deal with it.
Speaker 1: I remember.
Speaker 2: Like later that night, after I was by myself, I
Speaker 2: was in the bathroom just on the floor, like losing it.
Speaker 2: And at that time, like I wasn't on birth control
Speaker 2: or anything, and I remember having I was like crap,
Speaker 2: like I I don't know what to do, and so
Speaker 2: I ended up the next morning I messaged my doctor,
Speaker 2: who I do have a good relationship with that now
Speaker 2: not not doctor Stiff, it's it's the doctor that I
Speaker 2: now see, and almost like point blank just being like,
Speaker 2: this is what happened. I need to like, I don't
Speaker 2: know what to do, and she was like, we're going
Speaker 2: to get you the emergency peil. I was flying home
Speaker 2: that day, but I wasn't going to land in time
Speaker 2: to go to the pharmacy, so I had to get
Speaker 2: someone to go pick up the pill for me.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that's that's what happened.
Speaker 2: And there's obviously a lot more to the story and
Speaker 2: kind of the aftermath that we'll get into. But I
Speaker 2: had alluded a while ago that there was like a
Speaker 2: traumatic event that I went through, and I just remember
Speaker 2: the comments of people being so like, well, why would
Speaker 2: you say that and not like not tell us what
Speaker 2: it is and stuff, And it's because it was so
Speaker 2: hard for me to.
Speaker 1: Say I didn't at that time. I really hadn't processed it.
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, it's absolutely awful, and I think, like
Speaker 3: you said, almost retraumatizing. I think, you know, a lot
Speaker 3: of people, especially people who listen to this podcast, will
Speaker 3: have a really good understanding of your story and your
Speaker 3: experience and things that happened to you when you were younger.
Speaker 3: So I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that was
Speaker 3: to re experience things that had happened in the past,
Speaker 3: and in terms of you know, you talked about afterwards feeling,
Speaker 3: you know, shame, blame.
Speaker 1: You taught me through some of those sort of feelings
Speaker 1: and thoughts. I remember.
Speaker 2: There was a couple of people who were very close
Speaker 2: to me that I ended up telling that this is
Speaker 2: what had happened.
Speaker 1: And I remember sitting there and just I was a mess.
Speaker 2: I was crying and I said kind of similar to
Speaker 2: what I just said, of like I can't believe this
Speaker 2: happened again. And one of the people were like, what
Speaker 2: do you mean again, And I was like, I was
Speaker 2: sexually assaulted again. And this person just said, I don't
Speaker 2: know if you can call it that because you chose
Speaker 2: to drink no, and that as someone who like this
Speaker 2: person was so close to me, And I was like,
Speaker 2: I never wanted that to happen, and I know that,
Speaker 2: and the place of advocacy that I'm in, like, I
Speaker 2: know that that's not true, but hearing that from someone
Speaker 2: that I respected and that I loved broke me. And
Speaker 2: I remember I was on the phone to my theory Piston,
Speaker 2: just like losing it and then realizing I can't I
Speaker 2: can't deal with this because so many people are watching me.
Speaker 2: This is going to break me. And so I did
Speaker 2: something that I wish I never did, and that was
Speaker 2: just blocked it. I went on with my life pretended
Speaker 2: it never happened. And in my mind, if I did that,
Speaker 2: then it would mean that I wouldn't have to feel
Speaker 2: everything attached to it or experience it. And so I
Speaker 2: just pretended that everything was fine and that it never happened.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and we know that that's not a problem solving namism.
Speaker 1: No, And I know that now, like I think you
Speaker 1: knew that then. I knew that then, and.
Speaker 2: I still I still did it because I just I
Speaker 2: don't I can't even explain it, just that I didn't
Speaker 2: see any like I Actually I was talking to my
Speaker 2: therapist not too long ago, and we were doing MA therapy,
Speaker 2: which has been life changing and it's so wild how
Speaker 2: it even works. I can't even comprehend it. But she
Speaker 2: was saying that she realized that I have this massive
Speaker 2: tendency to block sadness as an emotion, and that if
Speaker 2: I get remoly feeling sad about something in my own life,
Speaker 2: I will block it because previously those emotions have led
Speaker 2: to me not wanting to be here. And so I
Speaker 2: think when this was happening and there was still so
Speaker 2: many eyes on me and I was still having to
Speaker 2: do so much work and all this kind.
Speaker 1: Of stuff, that I just I didn't want to feel
Speaker 1: these emotions.
Speaker 2: I was so scared of what it was going to do,
Speaker 2: where it was going to lead, that I was like,
Speaker 2: I just have to block it. I can't let it in, know,
Speaker 2: But obviously it didn't didn't work.
Speaker 3: No, absolutely not, And like you said, you know, you
Speaker 3: know that now and you know that then, But it
Speaker 3: almost just shows how deep the trauma was. And I think,
Speaker 3: you know, we tell people all the time through our
Speaker 3: work the importance of speaking up and sharing what's going on.
Speaker 3: So I can't begin to imagine how invalidating it was
Speaker 3: to share something that you felt so shameful of which
Speaker 3: you shouldn't because it wasn't your fault.
Speaker 1: To then be.
Speaker 3: Told that it was your fault for the lack of
Speaker 3: better words, you know, and it most definitely wasn't, but
Speaker 3: that just adds that shame burden, and I imagine made
Speaker 3: sharing that with anyone else perhaps more difficult.
Speaker 1: I don't think I did.
Speaker 2: I can't actually remember when I told you it was
Speaker 2: a while after, yeah, because I was just so like
Speaker 2: I was just like, well, that's what everyone's going to think.
Speaker 2: And I think that's also what silenced me, was that
Speaker 2: I was like, everyone's going to think that, and it's
Speaker 2: so it's so wild because I like, I think I
Speaker 2: was drinking gin and I had three with the tiniest
Speaker 2: like I don't.
Speaker 1: Even like the taste of alcohol.
Speaker 2: Like that's why I was like, I'm so sure that
Speaker 2: I was like something went in my drink or where
Speaker 2: someone was poor, but I it was not a feeling that.
Speaker 1: I had felt before.
Speaker 2: But I still because someone said that that shame and
Speaker 2: like that I did something wrong here, which I think
Speaker 2: is really important for me to admit that that's how
Speaker 2: I was feeling because becaus me as an advocate who
Speaker 2: shares these stories, a lot of people just think, you know,
Speaker 2: have it all together, or like you go through something
Speaker 2: like that and then you just immediately like I didn't
Speaker 2: know how to come back from that, and so bearing
Speaker 2: it seemed like the best option because if everyone else
Speaker 2: thinks the same thing of me, like, then it's just
Speaker 2: gonna solidify these beliefs that I now have that it
Speaker 2: was my fault and that there was something wrong with
Speaker 2: me and that I let that happen.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I think.
Speaker 3: There's also that added like complexity for you, like you said,
Speaker 3: having such a presence on social media and being an
Speaker 3: advocate for mental health that, like you said, everything has
Speaker 3: to be perfect. And so when you started alluding to
Speaker 3: the fact that something had happened but not giving detail
Speaker 3: because you weren't ready, which is absolutely understandable and fine,
Speaker 3: the backlash or the feedback from people would only have
Speaker 3: added to that pain that you were feeling.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I was really struggling with it
Speaker 2: because the reason that I even chose to allude to it,
Speaker 2: which people will be like, well, why would you say
Speaker 2: it if you weren't ready to.
Speaker 1: Talk about it.
Speaker 2: But at that time, it was post Trees Riilan, which
Speaker 2: we're going to talk about soon anyway. But it was
Speaker 2: my way of trying to tell people, You've got no
Speaker 2: idea what's going behind on going on behind the scenes
Speaker 2: when you're saying these horrific things to people on social media.
Speaker 2: And I was getting crazy messages like you don't know,
Speaker 2: you think you know what you see on a screen,
Speaker 2: You've got no idea. So That's what I was trying
Speaker 2: to allude to and kind of show people without telling
Speaker 2: everyone what it was.
Speaker 1: But then people win at me for that as well.
Speaker 3: But you also can't win because if you had switched
Speaker 3: off from social media, We've seen it time and time again.
Speaker 3: You know, when you were on CCI and weren't able
Speaker 3: to be on your phone, people start thinking the worst
Speaker 3: and wonder where the heck you are. So you in
Speaker 3: some ways had to give somewhat of an explanation. And
Speaker 3: it's entirely in your right to share what you want
Speaker 3: to share on your social platforms. Yeah, why now, why
Speaker 3: have you decided to talk about this now?
Speaker 2: I've been doing a lot of therapy and I think
Speaker 2: that I feel I'm in a much better place now,
Speaker 2: and I feel like there's just so much things that
Speaker 2: I learned from it that I think it's really important
Speaker 2: for people to.
Speaker 1: Know that they're not alone in it, and that.
Speaker 2: Going through something like that and not responding the way
Speaker 2: that you think you should is normal, and also to
Speaker 2: say that blocking it out doesn't work. Like everything that
Speaker 2: I learned in that process, and the reason I want
Speaker 2: to talk about it is so that people might be
Speaker 2: able to learn that faster than I did, because it
Speaker 2: just doesn't like it gets to a point where it
Speaker 2: eventually comes up and it explodes, and that's what happened
Speaker 2: with me. And I think that for people to understand
Speaker 2: that they're not alone in that, but also to know
Speaker 2: talking about it is the best thing. That it's not
Speaker 2: your fault, That no matter what people say or the
Speaker 2: situation that you were.
Speaker 1: In, that it's not your fault. And that I think
Speaker 1: that whole.
Speaker 2: Kind of idea and perception of when you go through
Speaker 2: something like that, that you feel like you did something
Speaker 2: wrong or that this is something that only happens to
Speaker 2: me to understand like I'm literally an advocate, like this is
Speaker 2: what I'm known for and it happened to me.
Speaker 1: Again, that it can happen to anyway and it should never.
Speaker 2: It should never, but that it's yeah, like like you've
Speaker 2: just said, and like I know to my core now
Speaker 2: that it wasn't my fault and it's not the people
Speaker 2: that have gone through this.
Speaker 1: It's not your fault.
Speaker 3: No, But I think what comes with that is a
Speaker 3: lot of stigma and lack of understanding, which again is
Speaker 3: so good that you're sharing this now that you feel
Speaker 3: ready to you know, obviously that was an incredibly traumatic incident,
Speaker 3: and I imagine something you continue to work through in
Speaker 3: many ways, because, like I mentioned, and you've said, I
Speaker 3: imagine it retriggered some things from your past. What would
Speaker 3: you say to that version of jazz, you know, if
Speaker 3: you go back to that I don't know that next morning,
Speaker 3: when it was all very freeh.
Speaker 2: Wsh, I would say, talk to someone now, don't wait
Speaker 2: and everything that we've just been saying, that this isn't
Speaker 2: your fault. And I think, with the foresight that I
Speaker 2: now have of everything that happened and unraveled, like the
Speaker 2: thing I felt I needed to do to survive at
Speaker 2: that time was to block it out. But it didn't
Speaker 2: do what I was hoping it would do. That find
Speaker 2: the right people to talk to. But yeah, Like I'm
Speaker 2: such a visual person and I often struggle with that
Speaker 2: in therapy that if I have a flashbout, like a
Speaker 2: memory of something, I see it really vividly, And I
Speaker 2: still can see myself on that bathroom floor just losing it,
Speaker 2: Like it's so vivid and all of the emotions and
Speaker 2: everything that came with it. But shat that girl on
Speaker 2: the floor, she survived it. She survived the aftermath and
Speaker 2: it's going to be so hard. But also it's another thing,
Speaker 2: I guess to help people feel this alone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't have to go through something
Speaker 3: like that to be able to help people. No, the
Speaker 3: fact that chosen to she's a lot about you and
Speaker 3: you're incredibly resilient. So you know, like we said, this
Speaker 3: was a little while ago now, but it's still fresh
Speaker 3: and you're still navigating things. I think there were a
Speaker 3: few other things, you know, throughout the time, in the
Speaker 3: years gone that have made things, you know, tricky in
Speaker 3: different ways, and I really want to talk about some
Speaker 3: of those moments too, more specifically your time on CTI
Speaker 3: and how that impacted your mental health because Jazz, it
Speaker 3: was the first time in a long time that I
Speaker 3: was incredibly worried about your safety. And I know there
Speaker 3: were a lot of other people out there because doctor
Speaker 3: Steph and I were in text comms and all someone
Speaker 3: had been checking in on you. You know it. It
Speaker 3: was a terrifying thing to see as a friend and
Speaker 3: as someone that loves you.
Speaker 1: Can we talk about that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's two pieces too that there's what
Speaker 2: happened when I was filming the show and then the
Speaker 2: aftermath of it, and what you're referring to is the
Speaker 2: aftermath and the what I what I will say is
Speaker 2: that during the filming was the very first time that
Speaker 2: I didn't have the distractions that I had had outside
Speaker 2: of the island with my phone and kind of everything else,
Speaker 2: like the business, and it was the first time that
Speaker 2: I was forced to face what had happened to me,
Speaker 2: and so in and of itself, that experience was so
Speaker 2: kind of tied to that where I couldn't really escape it.
Speaker 2: And at night that's what I was kind of getting
Speaker 2: splashbacks and it kind of all it all came crashing
Speaker 2: on me. So that was really difficult. But then as
Speaker 2: the show was airing, there was a kind of storyline
Speaker 2: that was put out that did not happen, that said
Speaker 2: that I was threatening people with a social with my
Speaker 2: social media people, which which is actually so stupid when
Speaker 2: you think about it, like it's just.
Speaker 1: Not like one hundred.
Speaker 2: There was a conversation of like, if anything happens, let
Speaker 2: me know, like this is you know, people on social media.
Speaker 1: It's a different ballgame, like it's wild.
Speaker 2: But I mean, because there had been all of the
Speaker 2: stuff going on behind the scenes where I was forced
Speaker 2: to face what had happened. I had just gone through
Speaker 2: a breakup, which was also tied to like there was
Speaker 2: so much stuff that I already felt so much self hatred,
Speaker 2: to be honest, and then you see, like.
Speaker 1: I remember the day.
Speaker 2: That the episode aired, I was sitting at my friend
Speaker 2: Jane's house and she basically had to take my phone
Speaker 2: off me because I turned it and I just started
Speaker 2: to see these comments and these messages just coming through
Speaker 2: of horrific, Like it was so it was so horrific.
Speaker 1: You were terrified. I remember that. I mean, it's nerve wracking.
Speaker 3: I imagine seeing yourself on TV, let alone seeing yourself
Speaker 3: on TV and then seeing the public responding in a
Speaker 3: way that's really unkind yep.
Speaker 2: And I remember my therapist saying that in that time,
Speaker 2: like because I already was so significantly struggling, which no
Speaker 2: one knew, no one knew, no, no one knew at all,
Speaker 2: and she was like, oh, you were, like, what has
Speaker 2: happened is all of these people that are saying these
Speaker 2: things to you, it is solidifying and confirming these beliefs
Speaker 2: that you already have. So you've been looking for evidence
Speaker 2: of it, and now suddenly it felt like the whole
Speaker 2: world just tend to turned against me. And I remember
Speaker 2: having to get on a plane the next morning and
Speaker 2: fly straight to Sydney.
Speaker 1: I mean, I was at the airport. Someone came up
Speaker 1: to me and.
Speaker 2: Was like, you effing bitch to my face, and I
Speaker 2: was like, so I taken off guard and was like,
Speaker 2: what is going on? And then being away from everyone
Speaker 2: as well, and having to get up and speak.
Speaker 1: It was so hard.
Speaker 2: But it was the first time in years that I
Speaker 2: did not want to be here anymore. And I remember
Speaker 2: getting to the point, which is so so hard to admit,
Speaker 2: especially now knowing the life that I do have and
Speaker 2: the people that are so phenomenal in our community, but
Speaker 2: getting to the point that I rewrote my will and
Speaker 2: I wrote out letters for the first time in years,
Speaker 2: and like, just doing that was so I just remember
Speaker 2: being like, how did I end up here again? And
Speaker 2: everything I was seeing was just how much everyone hated me,
Speaker 2: and I hated myself, like it was horrible.
Speaker 1: But I remember sitting in my therapist's office.
Speaker 2: And this was the day after I had rewrote my
Speaker 2: well and done all these things, and I remember you
Speaker 2: had sent a message that came through in the middle
Speaker 2: of therapy, and it was another advocate in the space
Speaker 2: who had taken their own life. And I literally just
Speaker 2: remember your words. You were like, this is so insanely sad.
Speaker 2: I can't imagine everyone that found hope in his story
Speaker 2: how they massed feel And I just read that and
Speaker 2: immediately snapped back and was like, oh.
Speaker 1: My god, like I could. I think I was really.
Speaker 2: Hard to see the hundreds of thousands, the millions people
Speaker 2: that support and are so there when all you're seeing
Speaker 2: is this horrible star. And I was like, well, ever,
Speaker 2: like it's a perfect time to go, right. I feel
Speaker 2: like I'm canceled anyway. And people have to understand that
Speaker 2: was a result of so many things, including this assault
Speaker 2: that it happened.
Speaker 1: There was just so much stuff.
Speaker 2: But then I was just had this turning moment, and
Speaker 2: I remember sitting there with my therapist and being like,
Speaker 2: look at this thing. Jen just messaged me and she
Speaker 2: just looked at me and was like, and that's so crazy,
Speaker 2: because like I haven't heard that. And I also I
Speaker 2: had no idea where you were sitting in that moment
Speaker 2: and where you were at with your mental health. Well Yeah,
Speaker 2: you didn't know what was going on at that To
Speaker 2: that extent, I knew things weren't good because the way
Speaker 2: you'd been communicating or lack of communication, had been very
Speaker 2: very clear, and obviously there was people in your life
Speaker 2: that were checking in, and you know, I was hearing
Speaker 2: things from other people, but.
Speaker 3: I didn't know in that moment how dire things were.
Speaker 3: And I hope in any way that didn't provide any
Speaker 3: sort of what's the word the way I worded things.
Speaker 3: You don't want to feel like it's all your responsibility,
Speaker 3: But I think you know what I was trying to
Speaker 3: say in that moment, without realizing where you were in
Speaker 3: your own journey, is that you know so many people
Speaker 3: are inspired by you and look up to you and
Speaker 3: love you all parts of you, not just the healthy,
Speaker 3: thriving jazz, but the jazz that struggling and need some support.
Speaker 3: And I just want to come back to those messages quickly,
Speaker 3: because I've seen some of them.
Speaker 1: I can think of one email in.
Speaker 3: Particular, think of the worst thing you could say to
Speaker 3: a human being, and times that by ten it was
Speaker 3: the most vile, disgusting, horrific, should be illegal, probably is illegal.
Speaker 3: Piece of writing I've ever seen in my life, and
Speaker 3: so I can't begin to imagine the effect that had
Speaker 3: on you. And I think what we were really trying
Speaker 3: to do those in your support network. We're sharing messages
Speaker 3: that had been really positive. But I can understand that
Speaker 3: when you're getting you know, lots of positive messages, but
Speaker 3: also many as awful as this, but that's all you
Speaker 3: focus on.
Speaker 1: I think I really just felt like I had let people.
Speaker 2: Down, and that I had let all those people that
Speaker 2: do support us down. And I think, I mean, I
Speaker 2: think I've struggled for so long anyway too, like the
Speaker 2: guilt of the fact that I am still here and
Speaker 2: so many people aren't and who said I could do
Speaker 2: this and be this for like why why me?
Speaker 1: Like why? And I struggle with that for so long.
Speaker 2: And I think that it's so normal for humans to
Speaker 2: focus on those negative things, Like you can see a
Speaker 2: hundred good comments and you'll focus on that one bad thing,
Speaker 2: or like interactions with people and people are saying, you know,
Speaker 2: you notice on that one thing that you said wrong,
Speaker 2: and you're like just marinate on that for so long.
Speaker 1: It's marinate, that's probably and that you're just like you'll
Speaker 1: think about it and you will like. And so I
Speaker 1: think that's what was happening, was that.
Speaker 2: I had all these beliefs and these things that had
Speaker 2: built up, and then no one that was sending me
Speaker 2: these messages or these comment It's new the battle that
Speaker 2: I was facing. And I think that is another reason
Speaker 2: why I wanted to share the story now, is that
Speaker 2: social media and bullying is such a huge thing, Oh
Speaker 2: my goodness, and I mean there are websites dedicated to
Speaker 2: bullying people on social media and it's disgusting. And I
Speaker 2: think that people just need to be so freaking aware
Speaker 2: that you have no idea.
Speaker 1: As much as you think that you know, you've got.
Speaker 2: No idea what's going on behind the scenes, but even
Speaker 2: with your friends and like the people in your life,
Speaker 2: you've got no idea what people are facing. And kindness
Speaker 2: will always overall that, but you've also got no idea
Speaker 2: when the thing you say is going to be the
Speaker 2: tipping point, which you know, some of those comments and
Speaker 2: messages that I got were a huge part of that,
Speaker 2: and I felt that the gravity of that situation. But
Speaker 2: I do remember, and I feel like I'm just quoting
Speaker 2: my therapist, right and Cinder here she's great, she's great,
Speaker 2: Chatasha her recently, but she was saying because I was
Speaker 2: expressing that, I was like, I can't believe I've ended
Speaker 2: up here again, like this is this is so scary,
Speaker 2: and she was very scared for me as well, but
Speaker 2: was just so phenomenal and was like, you, you need
Speaker 2: to understand that these feelings are the same, but your
Speaker 2: response is different. Huge like it feels and it didn't
Speaker 2: feel different because I was writing the leaders and I
Speaker 2: was doing the things, but this time I was still
Speaker 2: asking like I was speaking up earlier. And there were
Speaker 2: times I didn't want to go to her office and
Speaker 2: she would have to drag my ass there because I
Speaker 2: would be like, no, not today, but every single time
Speaker 2: I went, and that was also an active choice that
Speaker 2: I had to make, where she could drag me as
Speaker 2: much as she wanted to. But at the end of
Speaker 2: the day, like I had to remember who and what
Speaker 2: I was fighting for, the same things I did so
Speaker 2: many years ago were tools that I had that I
Speaker 2: had to kick back in and I wasn't in the
Speaker 2: same position.
Speaker 1: It was different, but also it made sense, and I think.
Speaker 2: That's what really helped was understanding that my response and
Speaker 2: my behavior, it made sense, like considering everything that I happened,
Speaker 2: and that had been my default for so long. I
Speaker 2: didn't know how to feel these emotions and experience them
Speaker 2: without not wanting to be here. And we had a
Speaker 2: few like quite big breakthrough moments where I was just
Speaker 2: sitting in her office.
Speaker 1: And lot absolutely lost it. And then after.
Speaker 2: Twenty minutes I was like like.
Speaker 1: Oh my, and I was just like whoa, what happens?
Speaker 2: And she was like, you can feel these things and
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to push you over the edge, like
Speaker 2: it's okay, and I was like whoom like and obviously
Speaker 2: that's like guys every time, but realizing that it ebbs
Speaker 2: and flows, and just because I feel it doesn't mean
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be stuck in it forever, which is what
Speaker 2: I'd always been so afraid of, not even.
Speaker 1: Realizing that's what I was so afraid of.
Speaker 3: It's almost about learning to sit in that really uncomfortable
Speaker 3: obviously with that support around it.
Speaker 4: But you speak about all the time all the time,
Speaker 4: but it's hard, and like you said, if you're if
Speaker 4: your history is shown that you know you struggle to
Speaker 4: do that, of course that's going to be the way
Speaker 4: things go.
Speaker 3: But I think you know what you've also realized through
Speaker 3: this process, which is something I also say all the time,
Speaker 3: is people can only help you with the information you
Speaker 3: give them. So you choosing to bottle up and be
Speaker 3: quiet and not share, which yes, might have been something
Speaker 3: many people would do for one reason or another, ultimately
Speaker 3: didn't help you.
Speaker 1: In the end.
Speaker 3: It was when you opened up and you said I
Speaker 3: need help, I'm not okay. That's when the change started
Speaker 3: to happen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's so important for people to
Speaker 2: understand that on so many levels. But I think the
Speaker 2: reason even for me coming forward for it now is
Speaker 2: that I think that's what a lot of people who
Speaker 2: might be in high impact jobs or like parents, or
Speaker 2: are living these busy lifestyles where you.
Speaker 1: Just think, I don't have time.
Speaker 2: And that's kind of how I felt as well, was like,
Speaker 2: I literally I don't have time to break.
Speaker 1: But unfortunately that's gone. If you don't deal, it's gonna
Speaker 1: break you.
Speaker 2: It's gonna happen eventually, And it would have been better
Speaker 2: for me to have done it when it happened, rather
Speaker 2: than let it build and build and build and build.
Speaker 1: And then get to the point where I'm writing a
Speaker 1: will again.
Speaker 2: That should have never happened, but it did, and I think,
Speaker 2: you know, giving myself that.
Speaker 1: I handled it.
Speaker 2: What I thought was the thing that was going to
Speaker 2: keep me here, but obviously my way of handling it
Speaker 2: was also the thing that nearly took me out right.
Speaker 2: And so yeah, learning that whole thing if people can
Speaker 2: only help you with the information you give them, and
Speaker 2: having those conversations, and I was able to one of
Speaker 2: the most incredible people through this was someone who I
Speaker 2: won't name her on this because she'll be she hates
Speaker 2: any sort of recognition for anything. But my old supervisor, yes,
Speaker 2: who just phenomenal and was really good at kind of
Speaker 2: combating the comments that were said. But that only happened
Speaker 2: when I shit them shared it. Otherwise it was just
Speaker 2: this one sided perspective that I had of like, this
Speaker 2: is your fault. But when I was able to talk
Speaker 2: to someone else and explain it and they were able
Speaker 2: to be like no, I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3: It was one heck of a journey being I guess
Speaker 3: a support person in your life and a friend. And
Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you've the garden or you're deep
Speaker 3: in that healing process. But where are you now? How
Speaker 3: have you got from there?
Speaker 2: The therapy has been a big thing, but I think
Speaker 2: really just going back to my why and my purpose,
Speaker 2: which I've always been so strong on anyway, as to
Speaker 2: why we do this and the people that we get
Speaker 2: to impact. And I think what was so hard in
Speaker 2: that time was that until I made my statement, all
Speaker 2: I saw was the negative stuff. And so I think
Speaker 2: what can often happen in a country like this that's
Speaker 2: so tiny is that you then feel like the entire
Speaker 2: world hates you. And I think it didn't help going
Speaker 2: to the airport and having that person come up to
Speaker 2: my face and say that, because then you do feel
Speaker 2: like physically everyone is against you, but that's just not
Speaker 2: the case.
Speaker 1: And I think being able to.
Speaker 2: Go through the process of feeling the emotions and riding
Speaker 2: it out as hot freaking was and then realizing like
Speaker 2: I'm okay and going back. I had to do so
Speaker 2: many speaking events in the middle of this, and it
Speaker 2: was so freaking hard, and I remember having to do
Speaker 2: a schools tour. We were at a school and it
Speaker 2: was so hard. But then I was like, I gave
Speaker 2: you an hour. I was like, we can cancel it,
Speaker 2: and then seeing all of these kids and being like
Speaker 2: that's why, like this is why, and this is so
Speaker 2: much bigger than me. But in order to do this,
Speaker 2: I have to put myself first and I have to
Speaker 2: do the hard yards. And I don't think I did
Speaker 2: like work like properly for months, which I will say
Speaker 2: as a privilege to be in a position to be
Speaker 2: able to do that.
Speaker 1: And to be able to just like, but you didn't
Speaker 1: have capacity.
Speaker 2: I had zero capacity to do anything other than no,
Speaker 2: I couldn't get out of a beard half of the time,
Speaker 2: Like I was literally like I like, I don't know
Speaker 2: how to function. And but and that's when I got
Speaker 2: put being on anti depressants from this as well, which
Speaker 2: was also a huge thing because then I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I'm going back and mailed everyone. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and then my friend Jane was like, girl, like, it's
Speaker 2: literally the same as you needing to get like midsphere
Speaker 2: physical health, like you're fine, and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I know, and I know this, like I literally preach this,
Speaker 2: and I think that's been That's also why I wanted
Speaker 2: to share the story and be like I still like
Speaker 2: people often will put us on this pedastool of like,
Speaker 2: and we've often been like, oh my gosh, like if
Speaker 2: we've had to get to the back to the point
Speaker 2: of being put in a psych wood, which by like
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: Like, oh no, no, like, don't put me back there,
Speaker 1: don't do it.
Speaker 2: But I was probably quite close, and there's.
Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with needing that help.
Speaker 2: But I think having the ability to go in and
Speaker 2: just be open and honest and having a therapist who
Speaker 2: I trust with my life, which has been huge because
Speaker 2: I've never had that before. I've never had someone that
Speaker 2: I've clicked with like, and that has just been like
Speaker 2: I've felt safe enough to kind of just be like,
Speaker 2: this is all of me, here's everything, and it's.
Speaker 1: Been really it was really really helpful. And also I
Speaker 1: mean my dog.
Speaker 2: Was a big distraction, lived belly who was crapping everywhere
Speaker 2: and I having to clean up at two am. But
Speaker 2: I think going back to those basics and not being
Speaker 2: afraid to go back to them and being like, Okay,
Speaker 2: this is right now, this is about keeping me here.
Speaker 2: And then after that it was like, Okay, now it's
Speaker 2: about fighting to get out of this mindset, and it's
Speaker 2: about rerealizing the mission the purpose, and also that I
Speaker 2: would still I think what's been a really big thing
Speaker 2: and a really hard thing is that for me, and
Speaker 2: I think for both of us. But I know for me,
Speaker 2: this blew up so fast, and I felt like ever
Speaker 2: since I when I went to film school, I've been
Speaker 2: on this trajectory that just never so it just kept going.
Speaker 2: And I think it's really easy to not to not
Speaker 2: that I lost myself, but I think that you begin
Speaker 2: to not know who you are without all of this,
Speaker 2: all the stuff that's going on and the crazy busy work,
Speaker 2: and I think people often find that even in the
Speaker 2: normal jobs, like but also not being given the space
Speaker 2: to process confront things.
Speaker 1: What also happened to.
Speaker 2: Just be And so I think being able to step
Speaker 2: back and be like, I'm like, I'm loved without this
Speaker 2: and that's really it's a really like it could be
Speaker 2: confusing people to hear, but I think I understand now
Speaker 2: and I'm nowhere on the scale of these people, but
Speaker 2: I understand how actuabal celebrities can get to the point
Speaker 2: when you have thousands of people every day telling you
Speaker 2: how much they love you, but they don't know you,
Speaker 2: and then you know, it's so hard to be like,
Speaker 2: but you don't, you don't know me, and then you
Speaker 2: think that maybe people only love you for the things
Speaker 2: that you do, but not who you are. And so
Speaker 2: I think having your identity being wrapped up, and so
Speaker 2: I think you're having that space to just know who
Speaker 2: I am and know that I could be okay with
Speaker 2: all without doing the stuff, and I could step away.
Speaker 1: I won't because I love it so much.
Speaker 2: And every single person that we get to meet, which
Speaker 2: is we get so many, so many people, and I
Speaker 2: think on our last tour, I probably hugged like a
Speaker 2: thousand of you, Like there is sootal evidence, so many
Speaker 2: out but every time, like I'm such a hugger and
Speaker 2: just being able to do that, I'm like, this is
Speaker 2: this is the why and so and I've always been
Speaker 2: so big one, like it's really hard to fight if we.
Speaker 1: Don't know what you're fighting for.
Speaker 2: And I was so lucky that I've had the perspective
Speaker 2: of knowing what it was to be healed and that
Speaker 2: unfortunately I just had to do the process again and
Speaker 2: I probably will have to do the process again. But
Speaker 2: we've always been so aware of this being a potential right.
Speaker 2: We've had these discussions of like, it's the same, not
Speaker 2: I want to compare it, but like, for example, someone
Speaker 2: with cancer, they go into remission and even if they
Speaker 2: get fully clear, there's still a chance that that will
Speaker 2: come back.
Speaker 1: You've disposed to it, if that's something right world.
Speaker 2: And it's the same thing this where I'm like, I've
Speaker 2: been aware that this could be something that could come
Speaker 2: up again, but it's about being pre armed with that,
Speaker 2: and I think I just wasn't at the time, and
Speaker 2: everything kind of took me off guard, and I just
Speaker 2: let it derail me.
Speaker 1: You needed to read your own book. I did. I
Speaker 1: probably should have. I really should have literally have a
Speaker 1: tool book. I know I haven't.
Speaker 2: I literally even read that sin side of the audiobook
Speaker 2: Slip Sick Brain Struggles.
Speaker 3: But it's such a valid point. You know, We've had
Speaker 3: multiple conversations. I can remember one in particular. I think
Speaker 3: I was on the phone to you and I was
Speaker 3: at my parents' house and we were talking what was
Speaker 3: in person, but about the fact that there's almost this pressure,
Speaker 3: like you've said multiple times, to be perfect for lack
Speaker 3: of a better word, as mental health advocates who talk
Speaker 3: about hope and talk about freedom and how you know,
Speaker 3: great life is that we can't have moments of pain
Speaker 3: and struggle. But actually that's not realistic. No, we're still
Speaker 3: human beings. And I think that's another reason why it's
Speaker 3: so important that you've shared this part of yourself, because
Speaker 3: it humanizes you. It actually makes the realities of facing
Speaker 3: into health challenges more normal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I've really noticed that, probably honestly, over
Speaker 2: the last couple of years of I always was trying
Speaker 2: so hard to make sure I was always speaking from
Speaker 2: the point of hope. And I think that's just because
Speaker 2: it's what I was always missing in my life for
Speaker 2: all of my struggles, that I wanted to make sure
Speaker 2: that that was something that I did. And I think
Speaker 2: that at times that came across as this perfect life,
Speaker 2: which is just never been the reality. And there's always
Speaker 2: so much going on behind the scenes that people don't see.
Speaker 2: And I think being able to have these conversations and
Speaker 2: I think I called you wanting to do this like
Speaker 2: six months ago, yeah, but being unsure as to how
Speaker 2: and when and how do I do this conversation, but
Speaker 2: knowing that the people that are in our community or
Speaker 2: people that are listening to this, or people that follow
Speaker 2: us online who maybe were doing really well and then
Speaker 2: dipped again to be like that it happens, Okay, it happens.
Speaker 2: It's okay, We're all in this together. And there were
Speaker 2: times in that moment, in that kind of period for me,
Speaker 2: where I could not see my way out. And I
Speaker 2: think that's where I was so strongly reminded of the
Speaker 2: need for community and communication and TI who we go
Speaker 2: on tour with whoft and say like communication is one
Speaker 2: of the most important things in life, Like if you
Speaker 2: don't know how to communicate, no one knows what's going on.
Speaker 2: And I almost lost all communications schools. I literally stopped.
Speaker 1: Replying to people, But how would people know what was
Speaker 1: going on then? And been able to let people in?
Speaker 2: And I think I was just afraid of people seeing
Speaker 2: my mess and seeing me like that, because, like I said,
Speaker 2: I felt like I had failed and that I had
Speaker 2: failed the people that had trusted us, and I had
Speaker 2: failed the people that followed us, and I had failed
Speaker 2: the people that were closest to me. And so my
Speaker 2: way to deal with that was to just block everyone out.
Speaker 1: And do you know what you've probably done.
Speaker 3: You've probably actually validated a lot of people's experiences through
Speaker 3: sharing this and made them feel of it heck of
Speaker 3: a lot less alone, but also given them hope that,
Speaker 3: you know, one of the common things will here is
Speaker 3: this narrative around I've had a relapse or a blip
Speaker 3: in the road, or I've you know, gone through something
Speaker 3: you know again and now I've failed, I'm back to
Speaker 3: square one. But reality is, like you've said, you know,
Speaker 3: you went through something again that you never should have,
Speaker 3: but this time you had more tools and skills and
Speaker 3: probably resilience to overcome that, even in the moments it
Speaker 3: didn't feel like it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's the whole thing of not realizing your
Speaker 2: own strength. And I think that a big thing that
Speaker 2: I have always tried to focus on, especially with the
Speaker 2: amount of people that will come up to us and
Speaker 2: be like you saved my life, as putting that power
Speaker 2: back in their hands and going all we did was
Speaker 2: say hey, there's another option, like you were the one
Speaker 2: that's did all the hard work to stay. And I
Speaker 2: think for myself and all of those moments having to
Speaker 2: go back and be like Jazz like that when that
Speaker 2: you've been through this last time, it wasn't all because
Speaker 2: my relationships have changed and people around me have changed,
Speaker 2: like so much has changed, but the one thing that
Speaker 2: hasn't changed is me. And I thought it last time
Speaker 2: and it wasn't anyone else that got me through it
Speaker 2: at the end of the day. Other things helped one
Speaker 2: hundred percent, but I had to do it. And I
Speaker 2: think that that related so much to this time. Where
Speaker 2: as much as it felt so similar, I didn't act
Speaker 2: like I obviously started to do the process of it,
Speaker 2: but I think I did the process knowing I wouldn't
Speaker 2: actually do it.
Speaker 1: I don't think at any point in time. I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think I could say for sure.
Speaker 2: And I think you know, because of my ADHD and
Speaker 2: the impulsivity as well, like there was definitely a chance.
Speaker 3: But you were able to intervene. Yeah, I think that
Speaker 3: before it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, something more Yeah, and been able to then identify
Speaker 2: it and look at in the face, whereas twelve year
Speaker 2: old Jazz absolutely didn't have no she would have run already.
Speaker 2: And I think after you sent me that message and
Speaker 2: I was in therapy, I made a commitment that I
Speaker 2: was like, there's no way, like I will not as
Speaker 2: much as I want to, it's not happening. I'm not
Speaker 2: gonna I refuse, and it was such a game changer,
Speaker 2: and it's like, I feel so horrif it to even
Speaker 2: talk about it like that, because that was such a
Speaker 2: horrific situation that happened and the loss of this beautiful
Speaker 2: life which should have never happened. And I think I
Speaker 2: could have had the same realization without that. I think
Speaker 2: it was just the message of in the time, how
Speaker 2: many the timing and the message of how many people
Speaker 2: that have found hope.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't it wasn't a guilt.
Speaker 2: Thing, but it was a realization of like the impact
Speaker 2: that I've been able to have and the privilege that
Speaker 2: I've had in the platform that people have given me,
Speaker 2: and the trust, yeah, the trust and to the inn
Speaker 2: And I think it's important like that everything I was
Speaker 2: feeling at that time was justified and it was so
Speaker 2: and it was so hard, but I had a responsibility
Speaker 2: to to fight through it that I could have this
Speaker 2: conversation so that I could say, like it's possible to
Speaker 2: do it all over again, and it's so hard and
Speaker 2: it's so draining when you're like I'm back here again,
Speaker 2: Like hard did I hand up here again? But it
Speaker 2: is like what you said, giving that grace to yourself
Speaker 2: and going like jazz like this was horrific, And there
Speaker 2: were so many other things in my life that had
Speaker 2: fallen apart at the time, and obviously I went through
Speaker 2: a very public breakup, which was kind of and to
Speaker 2: weave with what had happened overseas as well. When I
Speaker 2: began to realize like I was really struggling with physically anyway.
Speaker 1: I had a smilar thing.
Speaker 2: Even when I was on Dancing with the Stars, I
Speaker 2: kind of realized that like when my partner Brad, who
Speaker 2: was so he were so great with me and would
Speaker 2: have to like be super close to me and I
Speaker 2: would freak out.
Speaker 1: I just thought it.
Speaker 2: I was like, uh, like there's a video of I
Speaker 2: had to put my hand on his chest for something,
Speaker 2: and literally it was supposed to be like that, and
Speaker 2: I just had like claws out, like I don't want
Speaker 2: to touch you. And so even that kind of carried through.
Speaker 2: And I don't know what people know this, but that
Speaker 2: was my second relationship. My first one was actually also
Speaker 2: when I was in the public eye, but I'd never
Speaker 2: posted about it, so no one even knew about it.
Speaker 1: And that didn't last very long.
Speaker 2: And then yeah, I have my my ex was my
Speaker 2: secondary relationship, and having that public and then having the breakup,
Speaker 2: which also then had to be public because people were
Speaker 2: coming up to me on the street and being and
Speaker 2: this was all like around idtrs. You were getting messages
Speaker 2: like there was just so much happening that people didn't know.
Speaker 2: And I could have been honest about it when it
Speaker 2: was happening one hundred percent, But I also I was
Speaker 2: aware of the position that I have and the responsibility
Speaker 2: that I have that I didn't want to free people
Speaker 2: out in the fact that people would freak out if
Speaker 2: I'm off social media for like three days and they
Speaker 2: think that I've you know, done something or something's happened
Speaker 2: where it's like okay, it's like yeah, I don't even.
Speaker 3: Well, no, if you shared at that time where you'd
Speaker 3: be going against everything. We sort of talk about the
Speaker 3: importance of going through you know, that healing before because
Speaker 3: you can't rush that process. That's not to say, ef
Speaker 3: yone's going to go and share this story publicly after
Speaker 3: they go through something traumatic or challenging, but you know,
Speaker 3: you had to give yourself that time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's also important to acknowledge, like
Speaker 2: it's a never ending journey I think in regards to
Speaker 2: like learning and seeing beliefs that come up, and even
Speaker 2: like recently with this crazy stalker situation that had burned,
Speaker 2: which was absolutely bonkers.
Speaker 1: It's been a big episode. I know, this is so much.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is so much. Update you a lot.
Speaker 1: It's just so crazy.
Speaker 2: But the reason I wanted to bring this up was that, obviously,
Speaker 2: for those of you who haven't seen it, basically man
Speaker 2: fluid from the Netherlands, man sending scary messages, man found
Speaker 2: my house. I had the criminal forensic behavior specialists from
Speaker 2: the police contact me and be like, here's what to do,
Speaker 2: worst case scenario. But what I recally know, I don't
Speaker 2: even know if I've talked about talk to you about this,
Speaker 2: But it was another thing that kind of came up
Speaker 2: that made me go, man, this is a forever kind
Speaker 2: of going journey where obviously I was terrified for my
Speaker 2: life in that time, but what was more scary for
Speaker 2: me was me going, oh my gosh, I've put everyone
Speaker 2: else that are closest to me in this position where
Speaker 2: everyone is at.
Speaker 1: Risk of being hurt, and that was so hard to acknowledge.
Speaker 2: By what was so I think has been so how
Speaker 2: do I don't even know how to word this, But
Speaker 2: because of what I went through with the assault, the
Speaker 2: way I dealt with it, and that I didn't talk
Speaker 2: about it, I went got my ass straight back into
Speaker 2: therapy as this happened, and I thought it was literally
Speaker 2: like two days later me and my therapists were doing
Speaker 2: emdr on the specific trigger points of that and being like,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, these are like the beliefs that I
Speaker 2: had and grain when I was younger, of like being
Speaker 2: a burden or making other people's lives harder that had
Speaker 2: then come up later yourself again, Yeah, what to then
Speaker 2: come up through Treasure Island and then having this moment
Speaker 2: have been able to really nab that and acknowledge that
Speaker 2: that was the thing that had happened. And it was
Speaker 2: amazing how much faster I was able to kind of
Speaker 2: come to terms with that belief because I chose to
Speaker 2: speak about it than I did for the length of
Speaker 2: time that I said nothing about what had happened overseas. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And so I think, like, you know, it's a process
Speaker 2: that you just are constantly learning and growing, and I'm
Speaker 2: so I would never wish that experience on anyone. I
Speaker 2: wish one hundred percent that it never happened, but I
Speaker 2: learned some very important lessons. And I also think just
Speaker 2: seeing the community and the people around me, like are
Speaker 2: so so amazing, and I'm so thankful because I think
Speaker 2: growing up the way that I did, you still believe
Speaker 2: that everyone's going to leave you at some point, Like
Speaker 2: that's just kind of is ingrained and it's really hard
Speaker 2: to get rid of that. But I think it was
Speaker 2: just so testament to like you've only known. I mean,
Speaker 2: we've obviously had a rocky relationship podcast to say the least,
Speaker 2: but we've stood the strength of time. Like it's been
Speaker 2: so I actually, when I was doing the post this
Speaker 2: morning with the photos and was thinking.
Speaker 1: About I was like, my godsh we got connected like
Speaker 1: sixteen years ago. We're so we're.
Speaker 2: So well, yeah, it was ridiculous, but we've like really
Speaker 2: we've come to the point now that we're such good
Speaker 2: friends and being like, oh my gosh, this other belief
Speaker 2: that I had isn't true. But in order for me
Speaker 2: to see that, I had to be here. Absolutely yeah,
Speaker 2: And I mean, I'm I'm thankful that I'm in a
Speaker 2: position now where I feel like I can talk about
Speaker 2: this and and.
Speaker 1: Share it and been able to do so on my
Speaker 1: own platform.
Speaker 2: I think is really helpful because it means that it's
Speaker 2: not kind of getting clickbaited out and whatever, but being
Speaker 2: able to kind of have the ability to do that
Speaker 2: and have this conversation, especially to do it with someone
Speaker 2: who saw it firsthand.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, you saw it all with a breakup.
Speaker 2: I saw it all people coming up to me when
Speaker 2: we're at some event and the public breakup hading on public.
Speaker 2: Yet people coming up to me asking like you really
Speaker 2: saw it all, and yeah, now we get to sit
Speaker 2: and chat from a place of you not freaking out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just want to come back to what you
Speaker 1: were saying.
Speaker 3: And you know this, this belief that people are going
Speaker 3: to leave you, and I think joke's on you because
Speaker 3: I think you know everyone in your life's sticking around.
Speaker 3: I think you don't give yourself enough credit for how
Speaker 3: amazing you are and what you bring to other people's
Speaker 3: lives by being here.
Speaker 1: And so I'm not I'm going to get a motion.
Speaker 3: I'm going to cry again, but on behalf of myself
Speaker 3: and the voice of FOKE community and everyone that's listening
Speaker 3: to this podcast. Thank you for creating such an incredible
Speaker 3: platform where you inspire other people, but also taking the
Speaker 3: courage to speak about something that has been incredibly challenging
Speaker 3: for you to navigate. Because I think it's tenstament, testament, marinate,
Speaker 3: whatever the word is, our testament to your strength, but
Speaker 3: also your your heart and your desire and your hope
Speaker 3: and your belief that whatever you're going through you can
Speaker 3: get through. And so I guess I hope that anyone
Speaker 3: that's listening to this is reminded once again that the
Speaker 3: world is a better place with the minute, as Jazz
Speaker 3: always said, and that you know what you're going through
Speaker 3: right now is something you can continue to heal from
Speaker 3: and it's not your fault.
Speaker 1: As we wrap up, just want to say to people that.
Speaker 2: Are feeling the way that I felt, and feeling like
Speaker 2: the world is going to be better with them in
Speaker 2: all or that this pain's never going to.
Speaker 1: End, It's just it's not true.
Speaker 2: And as much as your situation and your mind and
Speaker 2: everything around you might be making you feel that way,
Speaker 2: your external reality, it's just so different to what you
Speaker 2: internally are trying to believe. Our message that we always
Speaker 2: say is that the world is better with you in it.
Speaker 2: And I think that it's really hard to believe that
Speaker 2: when you're in the middle of it. But the world
Speaker 2: is so much better with you in it. And if
Speaker 2: you can't believe that right now, someone else's world is
Speaker 2: better because you exist. It's literally on the back of
Speaker 2: my T shirt right now, my sweaty T shirt onto
Speaker 2: these podcast lights. I can smell it from here, honestly,
Speaker 2: probably can't you just smell me down the street.
Speaker 1: That's not something that we just say so flippantly about
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 2: And I also, I think again the twelve billion reason
Speaker 2: why I wanted to do this episode is for people
Speaker 2: to understand the reason that we say that.
Speaker 1: It's something that we wholeheartedly believe.
Speaker 2: It's not just a term that we throw around or
Speaker 2: that we're trying to use to make people feel better like.
Speaker 2: It's the truth and every story that we get to
Speaker 2: share through voices of hope, all the people that have
Speaker 2: lived out their darkest moments and have seen light outside
Speaker 2: of it in all different aspects, in all different ways
Speaker 2: like recovery and light doesn't look like having this huge
Speaker 2: platform or anything like remotely like that, but just waking
Speaker 2: up and being excited for life again, or going out
Speaker 2: and seeing the sunrise and being like wow, I'm so
Speaker 2: And I had moments like that even when we were
Speaker 2: at the Jonas Brothers and I was just sitting there
Speaker 2: watching you live out your childhood dream and being like
Speaker 2: I nearly missed this, like what. And I had the
Speaker 2: same moment at the Pink concert. I was at the
Speaker 2: Pink concert, and I think that's moment that we'll ever
Speaker 2: be so ingrained in my brain. Was standing there as
Speaker 2: Pink's just like flying around the stadium and looking up
Speaker 2: and looking I just started crying. And I started crying
Speaker 2: because I was like I'm here, like what.
Speaker 1: And I just have those moments over and over and
Speaker 1: over again.
Speaker 2: And you will have those moments too, the people that
Speaker 2: are listening to this, even if you don't feel like
Speaker 2: it now, like you'll have a moment of like, oh
Speaker 2: my gosh, I nearly missed this.
Speaker 1: We have no idea what's to come, no.
Speaker 2: Idea at all.
Speaker 1: I mean, I didn't know this whole situation was about
Speaker 1: to come.
Speaker 2: But then there was more hope after that, and there
Speaker 2: was more life after that and more experiences after that.
Speaker 1: And the rollercoaster was wild. But I'm glad I stayed on.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you stayed on too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so thank you so much for coming on and
Speaker 2: for having this conversation with me. I really thought long
Speaker 2: and hard about how I wanted to have this conversation
Speaker 2: and share about these stories, and I really couldn't think
Speaker 2: of a better way to do it than then come
Speaker 2: on and do this with you. You've been literally by
Speaker 2: my side since I was the same height many years ago,
Speaker 2: younger but social standing and standing on ust all at
Speaker 2: the same time trying to get in the damn frame
Speaker 2: with Jin. But no, I'm so thankful to be on
Speaker 2: this journey with you, and I'm pretty sure you've been
Speaker 2: on every season of this podcast, have honor.
Speaker 1: This is a very different one and will be.
Speaker 2: A very different episode, like I said to all of
Speaker 2: the other episodes to come. But I do want to
Speaker 2: say if anything in this episode has brought anything up
Speaker 2: for you or has triggered anything for you. I know
Speaker 2: I say this every episode every season, but it's because
Speaker 2: it's so true that the bravest thing you can do,
Speaker 2: as we've learned from my story today, is talk to someone, anyone.
Speaker 1: And if you don't know where to go to helplines.
Speaker 2: We've got a list of them on our website, Voices
Speaker 2: of Hope, dot organ here, an altered or in New
Speaker 2: Zealand ones even three seven, we've got youth Line. We've
Speaker 2: got so many people that are available to talk to
Speaker 2: you and been able to do that. Now is the
Speaker 2: strongest and bravest thing that you can do, because help
Speaker 2: unravel the things going on in your mind. And it's
Speaker 2: such a cliche saying and problem problem shared is a
Speaker 2: problem halved, But it's just as true. While that doesn't
Speaker 2: make the problem go away, it does make you feel
Speaker 2: less alone in it and everything that has happened that
Speaker 2: may make you feel like a burden or that you
Speaker 2: shouldn't be here, it's not your fault.
Speaker 1: There is hope and there is light at the end
Speaker 1: of the tunnel.
Speaker 2: Please keep going and remember that in all things, hope
Speaker 2: is real and change is possible.
Speaker 1: I'll see you guys next week.