WEBVTT - Jazz's Story: Finding my way back to Hope

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<v Speaker 1>The ZM podcast network.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I did something that I wish I never did,

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<v Speaker 2>and that was just blocked it.

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<v Speaker 1>If you don't deal, it's gonna break you. It's gonna

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<v Speaker 1>happen eventually.

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<v Speaker 2>And it would have been better for me to have

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<v Speaker 2>done it when it happened rather than let it build.

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<v Speaker 2>No matter what people say or the situation that you

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<v Speaker 2>were in, that it's not your fault. Hi, guys, welcome

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<v Speaker 2>to Hope It's Real Season three. I cannot believe I'm

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<v Speaker 2>even saying that. It's so crazy that I was able

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<v Speaker 2>to do one season, let alone all three. It has

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<v Speaker 2>been a wild adventure and I am so insanely excited

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<v Speaker 2>for the season. We are sitting down with some phenomenal

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<v Speaker 2>people from all around the world. We've got everyone from Bobrooks,

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<v Speaker 2>from the Janoskians.

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<v Speaker 1>If you're a millennial then you know that name.

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<v Speaker 2>To just some phenomenal people that have lived through some

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<v Speaker 2>crazy stories and come through the other side. And there's

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<v Speaker 2>always this This podcast is designed to help you feel

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<v Speaker 2>a little less alone, a bit more inspired, and as

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<v Speaker 2>always a lot more hopeful. And I really think that

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<v Speaker 2>season three is going to be a really big anchor

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<v Speaker 2>for that and so I'm really looking forward to it,

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<v Speaker 2>and for this very first episode, it's a bit of

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<v Speaker 2>a special one and it's something that I've been wanting

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<v Speaker 2>to do for a long time but needed to find.

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<v Speaker 1>The right time and the right space to do.

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<v Speaker 2>So this episode is going to be a little bit different.

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<v Speaker 2>I am going to basically be flipping the script and

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<v Speaker 2>I have brought in someone that a lot of you

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<v Speaker 2>will know. If you follow me on social media, i'll

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<v Speaker 2>follow my story, you'll know Genevieve Moore. She's the co

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<v Speaker 2>founder of Voices of Hope, one of my very good friends.

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<v Speaker 2>And this episode, we're going to be talking about things

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<v Speaker 2>that has happened for me over the last few years

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<v Speaker 2>that I have not yet talked about. And there's a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of reasons that I didn't talk about it publicly

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<v Speaker 2>when it happened. But it feels like the right time

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<v Speaker 2>now to be able to do that, and to do

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<v Speaker 2>so from the position that I'm in, from the perspective

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<v Speaker 2>that I have. But it's not something that I wanted

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<v Speaker 2>to do, just kind of talking at you all. And

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<v Speaker 2>so Jen was kind of there through all of this

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<v Speaker 2>and she saw it all firsthand. So I thought that

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<v Speaker 2>it'd be a good idea to bring her into this

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<v Speaker 2>episode and have her basically, like I said, flip the

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<v Speaker 2>script and she's going to be interviewing me. We're going

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<v Speaker 2>to be more so just having a conversation. But I

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<v Speaker 2>think it's just going to enable me to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to talk about this rather than just talking straight to

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<v Speaker 2>a mic into a camera. But talking to someone makes

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<v Speaker 2>it a little bit easier. I will give a trigger

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<v Speaker 2>warning here that this episode will talk about sexual assault

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<v Speaker 2>and it will talk about suicidality, and so if that's

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<v Speaker 2>something that you feel like you can't deal with at

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<v Speaker 2>the moment, or that might really trigger you, please it's

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<v Speaker 2>okay to pause this episode now, take care of yourself.

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<v Speaker 2>You can come back to it later, not at all,

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<v Speaker 2>It's fully up to you. I'm going to welcome Genevieve

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<v Speaker 2>more welcome to Hope.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a real the podcast.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you so much for having me, And honestly, I

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<v Speaker 3>know we've been friends for a long time, and I

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<v Speaker 3>feel really to be trusted in a safe place to

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<v Speaker 3>hold this conversation because I know it's not an easy

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<v Speaker 3>conversation for you to have, but I think it's so

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<v Speaker 3>incredibly important and I know for a fact that unfortunately

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<v Speaker 3>a lot of your listeners are going to be able

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<v Speaker 3>to relate to something that you're about to talk about.

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<v Speaker 3>So thank you, first of all for being brave. How

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<v Speaker 3>are you feeling.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel going to throw up.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel so nervous, I think because I just I

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<v Speaker 2>haven't spoken about this publicly, but I just think so

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<v Speaker 2>much of everything I've shared in my life has always

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<v Speaker 2>been from the point of being so far out of

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<v Speaker 2>it that I can I feel like I can talk

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<v Speaker 2>about it almost attached, whereas this has been a lot

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<v Speaker 2>more recent.

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<v Speaker 1>But I feel like it's so important.

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<v Speaker 2>So I feel ready and I feel honored to have

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<v Speaker 2>a platform that I can have this conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>But I am very.

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<v Speaker 3>Nervous, understandably, and I think, like you said, you know

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<v Speaker 3>you haven't rushed into this.

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<v Speaker 1>It's been something you've been thinking about for a while.

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<v Speaker 3>And I just know that people are going to be

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<v Speaker 3>really grateful for the opportunity to listen to such a

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<v Speaker 3>big part of your life. And I think you know,

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<v Speaker 3>people will not be surprised to hear that over the

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<v Speaker 3>last few years there's been some things going on behind

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<v Speaker 3>the scenes, because I think in many ways you've alluded

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<v Speaker 3>to some challenges that you've faced, and so to have

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<v Speaker 3>the opportunity to dig deeper into it is something I'm

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<v Speaker 3>again really grateful to be part of.

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<v Speaker 1>So let's take it back to the beginning.

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<v Speaker 3>Tell me from the get go, you had an experience,

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<v Speaker 3>for lack of better word, while you were overseas that

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<v Speaker 3>started a really really slippery slope for you.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. So it was.

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<v Speaker 2>It was a few years ago, and I was in

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<v Speaker 2>a different country and I ended up in a situation

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<v Speaker 2>where I don't drink a lot, like giver at all.

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<v Speaker 2>I could literally count on one hand the amount of

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<v Speaker 2>times I've ever been drunk. It's just not something that

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<v Speaker 2>I do. I don't like that feeling of losing control

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<v Speaker 2>or anything. And there was one night that I was

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<v Speaker 2>having like a couple of drinks with some people that

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't know, and I remember I was being so

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<v Speaker 2>careful about the amount that I was drinking because I'm

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<v Speaker 2>such a lightweight because I don't drink, and I started

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<v Speaker 2>to someone else started pouring my drinks, and I remember

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<v Speaker 2>starting to feel really woozy and.

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<v Speaker 1>Kind of I didn't really know what was going on, And.

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<v Speaker 2>The night kind of went on and as the night continued,

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<v Speaker 2>I just became more and more out of it, and

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<v Speaker 2>that night I ended up being sexually assaulted again.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think, I think that the gain.

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<v Speaker 2>Part is what's really hard, because it's it was. There

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<v Speaker 2>was so much of like how did I end up

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<v Speaker 2>back in this situation?

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<v Speaker 1>And I remember.

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<v Speaker 2>My brain was like I could I knew what was happening,

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<v Speaker 2>but my body couldn't move and couldn't respond, and I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't know if I'd been roofeed or if something.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't know what was going on, but I couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>move and it was so traumatizing as that is, but

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<v Speaker 1>at this point.

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<v Speaker 2>I was also so in the public eye, and yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't know how to deal with it.

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<v Speaker 1>I remember.

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<v Speaker 2>Like later that night, after I was by myself, I

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<v Speaker 2>was in the bathroom just on the floor, like losing it.

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<v Speaker 2>And at that time, like I wasn't on birth control

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<v Speaker 2>or anything, and I remember having I was like crap,

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<v Speaker 2>like I I don't know what to do, and so

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<v Speaker 2>I ended up the next morning I messaged my doctor,

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<v Speaker 2>who I do have a good relationship with that now

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<v Speaker 2>not not doctor Stiff, it's it's the doctor that I

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<v Speaker 2>now see, and almost like point blank just being like,

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<v Speaker 2>this is what happened. I need to like, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>know what to do, and she was like, we're going

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<v Speaker 2>to get you the emergency peil. I was flying home

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<v Speaker 2>that day, but I wasn't going to land in time

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<v Speaker 2>to go to the pharmacy, so I had to get

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<v Speaker 2>someone to go pick up the pill for me.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, that's that's what happened.

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<v Speaker 2>And there's obviously a lot more to the story and

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<v Speaker 2>kind of the aftermath that we'll get into. But I

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<v Speaker 2>had alluded a while ago that there was like a

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<v Speaker 2>traumatic event that I went through, and I just remember

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<v Speaker 2>the comments of people being so like, well, why would

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<v Speaker 2>you say that and not like not tell us what

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<v Speaker 2>it is and stuff, And it's because it was so

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<v Speaker 2>hard for me to.

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<v Speaker 1>Say I didn't at that time. I really hadn't processed it.

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<v Speaker 3>So yeah, yeah, it's absolutely awful, and I think, like

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<v Speaker 3>you said, almost retraumatizing. I think, you know, a lot

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<v Speaker 3>of people, especially people who listen to this podcast, will

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<v Speaker 3>have a really good understanding of your story and your

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<v Speaker 3>experience and things that happened to you when you were younger.

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<v Speaker 3>So I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that was

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<v Speaker 3>to re experience things that had happened in the past,

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<v Speaker 3>and in terms of you know, you talked about afterwards feeling,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, shame, blame.

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<v Speaker 1>You taught me through some of those sort of feelings

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<v Speaker 1>and thoughts. I remember.

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<v Speaker 2>There was a couple of people who were very close

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<v Speaker 2>to me that I ended up telling that this is

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<v Speaker 2>what had happened.

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<v Speaker 1>And I remember sitting there and just I was a mess.

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<v Speaker 2>I was crying and I said kind of similar to

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<v Speaker 2>what I just said, of like I can't believe this

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<v Speaker 2>happened again. And one of the people were like, what

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<v Speaker 2>do you mean again, And I was like, I was

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<v Speaker 2>sexually assaulted again. And this person just said, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>know if you can call it that because you chose

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<v Speaker 2>to drink no, and that as someone who like this

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<v Speaker 2>person was so close to me, And I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>I never wanted that to happen, and I know that,

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<v Speaker 2>and the place of advocacy that I'm in, like, I

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<v Speaker 2>know that that's not true, but hearing that from someone

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<v Speaker 2>that I respected and that I loved broke me. And

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<v Speaker 2>I remember I was on the phone to my theory Piston,

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<v Speaker 2>just like losing it and then realizing I can't I

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<v Speaker 2>can't deal with this because so many people are watching me.

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<v Speaker 2>This is going to break me. And so I did

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<v Speaker 2>something that I wish I never did, and that was

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<v Speaker 2>just blocked it. I went on with my life pretended

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<v Speaker 2>it never happened. And in my mind, if I did that,

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<v Speaker 2>then it would mean that I wouldn't have to feel

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<v Speaker 2>everything attached to it or experience it. And so I

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<v Speaker 2>just pretended that everything was fine and that it never happened.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and we know that that's not a problem solving namism.

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<v Speaker 1>No, And I know that now, like I think you

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<v Speaker 1>knew that then. I knew that then, and.

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<v Speaker 2>I still I still did it because I just I

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<v Speaker 2>don't I can't even explain it, just that I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>see any like I Actually I was talking to my

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<v Speaker 2>therapist not too long ago, and we were doing MA therapy,

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<v Speaker 2>which has been life changing and it's so wild how

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<v Speaker 2>it even works. I can't even comprehend it. But she

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<v Speaker 2>was saying that she realized that I have this massive

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<v Speaker 2>tendency to block sadness as an emotion, and that if

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<v Speaker 2>I get remoly feeling sad about something in my own life,

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<v Speaker 2>I will block it because previously those emotions have led

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<v Speaker 2>to me not wanting to be here. And so I

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<v Speaker 2>think when this was happening and there was still so

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<v Speaker 2>many eyes on me and I was still having to

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<v Speaker 2>do so much work and all this kind.

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<v Speaker 1>Of stuff, that I just I didn't want to feel

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<v Speaker 1>these emotions.

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<v Speaker 2>I was so scared of what it was going to do,

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<v Speaker 2>where it was going to lead, that I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>I just have to block it. I can't let it in, know,

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<v Speaker 2>But obviously it didn't didn't work.

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<v Speaker 3>No, absolutely not, And like you said, you know, you

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<v Speaker 3>know that now and you know that then, But it

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<v Speaker 3>almost just shows how deep the trauma was. And I think,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, we tell people all the time through our

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<v Speaker 3>work the importance of speaking up and sharing what's going on.

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<v Speaker 3>So I can't begin to imagine how invalidating it was

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<v Speaker 3>to share something that you felt so shameful of which

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<v Speaker 3>you shouldn't because it wasn't your fault.

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<v Speaker 1>To then be.

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<v Speaker 3>Told that it was your fault for the lack of

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<v Speaker 3>better words, you know, and it most definitely wasn't, but

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<v Speaker 3>that just adds that shame burden, and I imagine made

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<v Speaker 3>sharing that with anyone else perhaps more difficult.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think I did.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't actually remember when I told you it was

0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:15.679
<v Speaker 2>a while after, yeah, because I was just so like

0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:17.520
<v Speaker 2>I was just like, well, that's what everyone's going to think.

0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:19.480
<v Speaker 2>And I think that's also what silenced me, was that

0:12:19.520 --> 0:12:23.160
<v Speaker 2>I was like, everyone's going to think that, and it's

0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:28.280
<v Speaker 2>so it's so wild because I like, I think I

0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:33.280
<v Speaker 2>was drinking gin and I had three with the tiniest

0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:34.400
<v Speaker 2>like I don't.

0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:35.600
<v Speaker 1>Even like the taste of alcohol.

0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:38.240
<v Speaker 2>Like that's why I was like, I'm so sure that

0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:41.080
<v Speaker 2>I was like something went in my drink or where

0:12:41.160 --> 0:12:43.680
<v Speaker 2>someone was poor, but I it was not a feeling that.

0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:45.080
<v Speaker 1>I had felt before.

0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:49.920
<v Speaker 2>But I still because someone said that that shame and

0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:55.680
<v Speaker 2>like that I did something wrong here, which I think

0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:58.400
<v Speaker 2>is really important for me to admit that that's how

0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:03.760
<v Speaker 2>I was feeling because becaus me as an advocate who

0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:08.280
<v Speaker 2>shares these stories, a lot of people just think, you know,

0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:10.800
<v Speaker 2>have it all together, or like you go through something

0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:13.679
<v Speaker 2>like that and then you just immediately like I didn't

0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:18.280
<v Speaker 2>know how to come back from that, and so bearing

0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:22.560
<v Speaker 2>it seemed like the best option because if everyone else

0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:24.840
<v Speaker 2>thinks the same thing of me, like, then it's just

0:13:24.840 --> 0:13:28.080
<v Speaker 2>gonna solidify these beliefs that I now have that it

0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:29.960
<v Speaker 2>was my fault and that there was something wrong with

0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:31.320
<v Speaker 2>me and that I let that happen.

0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:33.640
<v Speaker 1>And yeah, I think.

0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:36.360
<v Speaker 3>There's also that added like complexity for you, like you said,

0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:39.280
<v Speaker 3>having such a presence on social media and being an

0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:41.439
<v Speaker 3>advocate for mental health that, like you said, everything has

0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:44.040
<v Speaker 3>to be perfect. And so when you started alluding to

0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:46.440
<v Speaker 3>the fact that something had happened but not giving detail

0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.440
<v Speaker 3>because you weren't ready, which is absolutely understandable and fine,

0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:52.960
<v Speaker 3>the backlash or the feedback from people would only have

0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.679
<v Speaker 3>added to that pain that you were feeling.

0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:58.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and I think I was really struggling with it

0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:01.520
<v Speaker 2>because the reason that I even chose to allude to it,

0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:03.120
<v Speaker 2>which people will be like, well, why would you say

0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:04.199
<v Speaker 2>it if you weren't ready to.

0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:04.800
<v Speaker 1>Talk about it.

0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:08.600
<v Speaker 2>But at that time, it was post Trees Riilan, which

0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.000
<v Speaker 2>we're going to talk about soon anyway. But it was

0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:14.440
<v Speaker 2>my way of trying to tell people, You've got no

0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:16.960
<v Speaker 2>idea what's going behind on going on behind the scenes

0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:19.600
<v Speaker 2>when you're saying these horrific things to people on social media.

0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:23.440
<v Speaker 2>And I was getting crazy messages like you don't know,

0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:25.360
<v Speaker 2>you think you know what you see on a screen,

0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:26.960
<v Speaker 2>You've got no idea. So That's what I was trying

0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:30.840
<v Speaker 2>to allude to and kind of show people without telling

0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:31.680
<v Speaker 2>everyone what it was.

0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:34.440
<v Speaker 1>But then people win at me for that as well.

0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:36.360
<v Speaker 3>But you also can't win because if you had switched

0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 3>off from social media, We've seen it time and time again.

0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:40.600
<v Speaker 3>You know, when you were on CCI and weren't able

0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:42.800
<v Speaker 3>to be on your phone, people start thinking the worst

0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:44.440
<v Speaker 3>and wonder where the heck you are. So you in

0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:48.800
<v Speaker 3>some ways had to give somewhat of an explanation. And

0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:50.800
<v Speaker 3>it's entirely in your right to share what you want

0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:53.960
<v Speaker 3>to share on your social platforms. Yeah, why now, why

0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:55.880
<v Speaker 3>have you decided to talk about this now?

0:14:56.320 --> 0:14:59.160
<v Speaker 2>I've been doing a lot of therapy and I think

0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:03.480
<v Speaker 2>that I feel I'm in a much better place now,

0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.760
<v Speaker 2>and I feel like there's just so much things that

0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.440
<v Speaker 2>I learned from it that I think it's really important

0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:10.120
<v Speaker 2>for people to.

0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:13.560
<v Speaker 1>Know that they're not alone in it, and that.

0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:17.960
<v Speaker 2>Going through something like that and not responding the way

0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:23.440
<v Speaker 2>that you think you should is normal, and also to

0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:28.280
<v Speaker 2>say that blocking it out doesn't work. Like everything that

0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:31.000
<v Speaker 2>I learned in that process, and the reason I want

0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:33.400
<v Speaker 2>to talk about it is so that people might be

0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.320
<v Speaker 2>able to learn that faster than I did, because it

0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:39.800
<v Speaker 2>just doesn't like it gets to a point where it

0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:44.280
<v Speaker 2>eventually comes up and it explodes, and that's what happened

0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:46.720
<v Speaker 2>with me. And I think that for people to understand

0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:49.680
<v Speaker 2>that they're not alone in that, but also to know

0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:52.080
<v Speaker 2>talking about it is the best thing. That it's not

0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:55.160
<v Speaker 2>your fault, That no matter what people say or the

0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:56.280
<v Speaker 2>situation that you were.

0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:59.640
<v Speaker 1>In, that it's not your fault. And that I think

0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:00.600
<v Speaker 1>that whole.

0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:04.560
<v Speaker 2>Kind of idea and perception of when you go through

0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:09.160
<v Speaker 2>something like that, that you feel like you did something

0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:11.040
<v Speaker 2>wrong or that this is something that only happens to

0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:13.720
<v Speaker 2>me to understand like I'm literally an advocate, like this is

0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:15.200
<v Speaker 2>what I'm known for and it happened to me.

0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:19.920
<v Speaker 1>Again, that it can happen to anyway and it should never.

0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:25.360
<v Speaker 2>It should never, but that it's yeah, like like you've

0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:27.520
<v Speaker 2>just said, and like I know to my core now

0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.040
<v Speaker 2>that it wasn't my fault and it's not the people

0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:30.800
<v Speaker 2>that have gone through this.

0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:31.640
<v Speaker 1>It's not your fault.

0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:34.840
<v Speaker 3>No, But I think what comes with that is a

0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:36.840
<v Speaker 3>lot of stigma and lack of understanding, which again is

0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:39.200
<v Speaker 3>so good that you're sharing this now that you feel

0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:42.520
<v Speaker 3>ready to you know, obviously that was an incredibly traumatic incident,

0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:45.120
<v Speaker 3>and I imagine something you continue to work through in

0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:48.480
<v Speaker 3>many ways, because, like I mentioned, and you've said, I

0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:53.280
<v Speaker 3>imagine it retriggered some things from your past. What would

0:16:53.280 --> 0:16:56.560
<v Speaker 3>you say to that version of jazz, you know, if

0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:58.840
<v Speaker 3>you go back to that I don't know that next morning,

0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:00.280
<v Speaker 3>when it was all very freeh.

0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:13.200
<v Speaker 2>Wsh, I would say, talk to someone now, don't wait

0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:18.479
<v Speaker 2>and everything that we've just been saying, that this isn't

0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:23.639
<v Speaker 2>your fault. And I think, with the foresight that I

0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:27.399
<v Speaker 2>now have of everything that happened and unraveled, like the

0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:30.760
<v Speaker 2>thing I felt I needed to do to survive at

0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:34.520
<v Speaker 2>that time was to block it out. But it didn't

0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:38.440
<v Speaker 2>do what I was hoping it would do. That find

0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:43.719
<v Speaker 2>the right people to talk to. But yeah, Like I'm

0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:47.119
<v Speaker 2>such a visual person and I often struggle with that

0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:48.960
<v Speaker 2>in therapy that if I have a flashbout, like a

0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:50.959
<v Speaker 2>memory of something, I see it really vividly, And I

0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:54.520
<v Speaker 2>still can see myself on that bathroom floor just losing it,

0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:58.399
<v Speaker 2>Like it's so vivid and all of the emotions and

0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:04.159
<v Speaker 2>everything that came with it. But shat that girl on

0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:09.880
<v Speaker 2>the floor, she survived it. She survived the aftermath and

0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:17.120
<v Speaker 2>it's going to be so hard. But also it's another thing,

0:18:17.119 --> 0:18:18.800
<v Speaker 2>I guess to help people feel this alone.

0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:20.800
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't have to go through something

0:18:20.840 --> 0:18:23.000
<v Speaker 3>like that to be able to help people. No, the

0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:26.040
<v Speaker 3>fact that chosen to she's a lot about you and

0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:30.680
<v Speaker 3>you're incredibly resilient. So you know, like we said, this

0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:33.680
<v Speaker 3>was a little while ago now, but it's still fresh

0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:36.000
<v Speaker 3>and you're still navigating things. I think there were a

0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:40.480
<v Speaker 3>few other things, you know, throughout the time, in the

0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:44.320
<v Speaker 3>years gone that have made things, you know, tricky in

0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:46.199
<v Speaker 3>different ways, and I really want to talk about some

0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:49.720
<v Speaker 3>of those moments too, more specifically your time on CTI

0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:53.560
<v Speaker 3>and how that impacted your mental health because Jazz, it

0:18:53.680 --> 0:18:56.760
<v Speaker 3>was the first time in a long time that I

0:18:56.880 --> 0:19:01.080
<v Speaker 3>was incredibly worried about your safety. And I know there

0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:03.720
<v Speaker 3>were a lot of other people out there because doctor

0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:06.160
<v Speaker 3>Steph and I were in text comms and all someone

0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:08.000
<v Speaker 3>had been checking in on you. You know it. It

0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:09.920
<v Speaker 3>was a terrifying thing to see as a friend and

0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:12.280
<v Speaker 3>as someone that loves you.

0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:13.320
<v Speaker 1>Can we talk about that.

0:19:13.480 --> 0:19:18.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think there's two pieces too that there's what

0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:21.639
<v Speaker 2>happened when I was filming the show and then the

0:19:21.760 --> 0:19:24.280
<v Speaker 2>aftermath of it, and what you're referring to is the

0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:28.399
<v Speaker 2>aftermath and the what I what I will say is

0:19:28.440 --> 0:19:33.639
<v Speaker 2>that during the filming was the very first time that

0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:37.440
<v Speaker 2>I didn't have the distractions that I had had outside

0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:40.160
<v Speaker 2>of the island with my phone and kind of everything else,

0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:42.280
<v Speaker 2>like the business, and it was the first time that

0:19:42.320 --> 0:19:45.040
<v Speaker 2>I was forced to face what had happened to me,

0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:48.320
<v Speaker 2>and so in and of itself, that experience was so

0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:50.480
<v Speaker 2>kind of tied to that where I couldn't really escape it.

0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:52.440
<v Speaker 2>And at night that's what I was kind of getting

0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:55.040
<v Speaker 2>splashbacks and it kind of all it all came crashing

0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:58.760
<v Speaker 2>on me. So that was really difficult. But then as

0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:03.440
<v Speaker 2>the show was airing, there was a kind of storyline

0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:07.840
<v Speaker 2>that was put out that did not happen, that said

0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:12.199
<v Speaker 2>that I was threatening people with a social with my

0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:15.160
<v Speaker 2>social media people, which which is actually so stupid when

0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:16.680
<v Speaker 2>you think about it, like it's just.

0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:18.080
<v Speaker 1>Not like one hundred.

0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:20.680
<v Speaker 2>There was a conversation of like, if anything happens, let

0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:23.840
<v Speaker 2>me know, like this is you know, people on social media.

0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:25.760
<v Speaker 1>It's a different ballgame, like it's wild.

0:20:25.840 --> 0:20:30.040
<v Speaker 2>But I mean, because there had been all of the

0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:32.359
<v Speaker 2>stuff going on behind the scenes where I was forced

0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:35.000
<v Speaker 2>to face what had happened. I had just gone through

0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:38.040
<v Speaker 2>a breakup, which was also tied to like there was

0:20:38.119 --> 0:20:46.440
<v Speaker 2>so much stuff that I already felt so much self hatred,

0:20:46.480 --> 0:20:50.080
<v Speaker 2>to be honest, and then you see, like.

0:20:51.480 --> 0:20:52.639
<v Speaker 1>I remember the day.

0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:55.000
<v Speaker 2>That the episode aired, I was sitting at my friend

0:20:55.080 --> 0:21:00.520
<v Speaker 2>Jane's house and she basically had to take my phone

0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:02.439
<v Speaker 2>off me because I turned it and I just started

0:21:02.480 --> 0:21:06.359
<v Speaker 2>to see these comments and these messages just coming through

0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:12.919
<v Speaker 2>of horrific, Like it was so it was so horrific.

0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:16.680
<v Speaker 1>You were terrified. I remember that. I mean, it's nerve wracking.

0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:19.240
<v Speaker 3>I imagine seeing yourself on TV, let alone seeing yourself

0:21:19.240 --> 0:21:23.919
<v Speaker 3>on TV and then seeing the public responding in a

0:21:23.920 --> 0:21:25.640
<v Speaker 3>way that's really unkind yep.

0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:29.399
<v Speaker 2>And I remember my therapist saying that in that time,

0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:34.080
<v Speaker 2>like because I already was so significantly struggling, which no

0:21:34.119 --> 0:21:36.680
<v Speaker 2>one knew, no one knew, no, no one knew at all,

0:21:36.800 --> 0:21:38.920
<v Speaker 2>and she was like, oh, you were, like, what has

0:21:38.960 --> 0:21:40.800
<v Speaker 2>happened is all of these people that are saying these

0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:44.359
<v Speaker 2>things to you, it is solidifying and confirming these beliefs

0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:46.760
<v Speaker 2>that you already have. So you've been looking for evidence

0:21:46.800 --> 0:21:48.400
<v Speaker 2>of it, and now suddenly it felt like the whole

0:21:48.400 --> 0:21:51.240
<v Speaker 2>world just tend to turned against me. And I remember

0:21:51.280 --> 0:21:53.960
<v Speaker 2>having to get on a plane the next morning and

0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:54.959
<v Speaker 2>fly straight to Sydney.

0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:56.600
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I was at the airport. Someone came up

0:21:56.600 --> 0:21:57.040
<v Speaker 1>to me and.

0:21:57.080 --> 0:21:59.239
<v Speaker 2>Was like, you effing bitch to my face, and I

0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:01.479
<v Speaker 2>was like, so I taken off guard and was like,

0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:06.560
<v Speaker 2>what is going on? And then being away from everyone

0:22:06.560 --> 0:22:08.879
<v Speaker 2>as well, and having to get up and speak.

0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:09.879
<v Speaker 1>It was so hard.

0:22:10.640 --> 0:22:17.800
<v Speaker 2>But it was the first time in years that I

0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:23.560
<v Speaker 2>did not want to be here anymore. And I remember

0:22:25.000 --> 0:22:30.640
<v Speaker 2>getting to the point, which is so so hard to admit,

0:22:31.520 --> 0:22:35.840
<v Speaker 2>especially now knowing the life that I do have and

0:22:35.880 --> 0:22:38.399
<v Speaker 2>the people that are so phenomenal in our community, but

0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:41.080
<v Speaker 2>getting to the point that I rewrote my will and

0:22:41.160 --> 0:22:43.359
<v Speaker 2>I wrote out letters for the first time in years,

0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:49.719
<v Speaker 2>and like, just doing that was so I just remember

0:22:49.720 --> 0:22:55.320
<v Speaker 2>being like, how did I end up here again? And

0:22:55.520 --> 0:22:58.520
<v Speaker 2>everything I was seeing was just how much everyone hated me,

0:22:59.880 --> 0:23:03.800
<v Speaker 2>and I hated myself, like it was horrible.

0:23:03.840 --> 0:23:07.000
<v Speaker 1>But I remember sitting in my therapist's office.

0:23:08.480 --> 0:23:12.240
<v Speaker 2>And this was the day after I had rewrote my

0:23:12.280 --> 0:23:16.879
<v Speaker 2>well and done all these things, and I remember you

0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:20.040
<v Speaker 2>had sent a message that came through in the middle

0:23:20.080 --> 0:23:25.360
<v Speaker 2>of therapy, and it was another advocate in the space

0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:28.240
<v Speaker 2>who had taken their own life. And I literally just

0:23:28.280 --> 0:23:31.960
<v Speaker 2>remember your words. You were like, this is so insanely sad.

0:23:32.040 --> 0:23:35.800
<v Speaker 2>I can't imagine everyone that found hope in his story

0:23:37.200 --> 0:23:41.080
<v Speaker 2>how they massed feel And I just read that and

0:23:41.400 --> 0:23:46.960
<v Speaker 2>immediately snapped back and was like, oh.

0:23:46.760 --> 0:23:51.480
<v Speaker 1>My god, like I could. I think I was really.

0:23:51.240 --> 0:23:56.320
<v Speaker 2>Hard to see the hundreds of thousands, the millions people

0:23:56.320 --> 0:23:59.119
<v Speaker 2>that support and are so there when all you're seeing

0:23:59.160 --> 0:24:01.440
<v Speaker 2>is this horrible star. And I was like, well, ever,

0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:03.840
<v Speaker 2>like it's a perfect time to go, right. I feel

0:24:03.840 --> 0:24:07.480
<v Speaker 2>like I'm canceled anyway. And people have to understand that

0:24:07.960 --> 0:24:11.920
<v Speaker 2>was a result of so many things, including this assault

0:24:11.920 --> 0:24:12.320
<v Speaker 2>that it happened.

0:24:12.359 --> 0:24:13.560
<v Speaker 1>There was just so much stuff.

0:24:14.760 --> 0:24:18.399
<v Speaker 2>But then I was just had this turning moment, and

0:24:18.400 --> 0:24:20.760
<v Speaker 2>I remember sitting there with my therapist and being like,

0:24:21.600 --> 0:24:23.840
<v Speaker 2>look at this thing. Jen just messaged me and she

0:24:24.080 --> 0:24:27.720
<v Speaker 2>just looked at me and was like, and that's so crazy,

0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:31.520
<v Speaker 2>because like I haven't heard that. And I also I

0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:34.080
<v Speaker 2>had no idea where you were sitting in that moment

0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:36.160
<v Speaker 2>and where you were at with your mental health. Well Yeah,

0:24:36.200 --> 0:24:37.720
<v Speaker 2>you didn't know what was going on at that To

0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:40.280
<v Speaker 2>that extent, I knew things weren't good because the way

0:24:40.320 --> 0:24:43.760
<v Speaker 2>you'd been communicating or lack of communication, had been very

0:24:43.880 --> 0:24:46.080
<v Speaker 2>very clear, and obviously there was people in your life

0:24:46.119 --> 0:24:48.160
<v Speaker 2>that were checking in, and you know, I was hearing

0:24:48.160 --> 0:24:49.120
<v Speaker 2>things from other people, but.

0:24:49.040 --> 0:24:52.800
<v Speaker 3>I didn't know in that moment how dire things were.

0:24:52.840 --> 0:24:54.960
<v Speaker 3>And I hope in any way that didn't provide any

0:24:54.960 --> 0:24:59.960
<v Speaker 3>sort of what's the word the way I worded things.

0:25:00.280 --> 0:25:02.720
<v Speaker 3>You don't want to feel like it's all your responsibility,

0:25:03.160 --> 0:25:04.600
<v Speaker 3>But I think you know what I was trying to

0:25:04.640 --> 0:25:07.000
<v Speaker 3>say in that moment, without realizing where you were in

0:25:07.040 --> 0:25:10.200
<v Speaker 3>your own journey, is that you know so many people

0:25:10.280 --> 0:25:12.879
<v Speaker 3>are inspired by you and look up to you and

0:25:13.040 --> 0:25:16.560
<v Speaker 3>love you all parts of you, not just the healthy,

0:25:16.640 --> 0:25:19.800
<v Speaker 3>thriving jazz, but the jazz that struggling and need some support.

0:25:19.960 --> 0:25:22.080
<v Speaker 3>And I just want to come back to those messages quickly,

0:25:22.160 --> 0:25:23.520
<v Speaker 3>because I've seen some of them.

0:25:24.440 --> 0:25:25.960
<v Speaker 1>I can think of one email in.

0:25:25.880 --> 0:25:29.199
<v Speaker 3>Particular, think of the worst thing you could say to

0:25:29.240 --> 0:25:31.280
<v Speaker 3>a human being, and times that by ten it was

0:25:31.320 --> 0:25:36.640
<v Speaker 3>the most vile, disgusting, horrific, should be illegal, probably is illegal.

0:25:37.000 --> 0:25:40.360
<v Speaker 3>Piece of writing I've ever seen in my life, and

0:25:40.440 --> 0:25:42.720
<v Speaker 3>so I can't begin to imagine the effect that had

0:25:42.760 --> 0:25:44.600
<v Speaker 3>on you. And I think what we were really trying

0:25:44.640 --> 0:25:47.480
<v Speaker 3>to do those in your support network. We're sharing messages

0:25:47.520 --> 0:25:49.960
<v Speaker 3>that had been really positive. But I can understand that

0:25:50.000 --> 0:25:52.720
<v Speaker 3>when you're getting you know, lots of positive messages, but

0:25:53.440 --> 0:25:57.280
<v Speaker 3>also many as awful as this, but that's all you

0:25:57.320 --> 0:25:57.800
<v Speaker 3>focus on.

0:25:58.320 --> 0:26:01.560
<v Speaker 1>I think I really just felt like I had let people.

0:26:01.320 --> 0:26:06.560
<v Speaker 2>Down, and that I had let all those people that

0:26:06.600 --> 0:26:08.640
<v Speaker 2>do support us down. And I think, I mean, I

0:26:08.640 --> 0:26:13.680
<v Speaker 2>think I've struggled for so long anyway too, like the

0:26:13.840 --> 0:26:16.359
<v Speaker 2>guilt of the fact that I am still here and

0:26:16.440 --> 0:26:20.240
<v Speaker 2>so many people aren't and who said I could do

0:26:20.400 --> 0:26:23.439
<v Speaker 2>this and be this for like why why me?

0:26:23.760 --> 0:26:26.760
<v Speaker 1>Like why? And I struggle with that for so long.

0:26:26.800 --> 0:26:31.040
<v Speaker 2>And I think that it's so normal for humans to

0:26:31.480 --> 0:26:33.639
<v Speaker 2>focus on those negative things, Like you can see a

0:26:33.760 --> 0:26:36.160
<v Speaker 2>hundred good comments and you'll focus on that one bad thing,

0:26:36.240 --> 0:26:39.760
<v Speaker 2>or like interactions with people and people are saying, you know,

0:26:39.760 --> 0:26:41.400
<v Speaker 2>you notice on that one thing that you said wrong,

0:26:41.440 --> 0:26:44.359
<v Speaker 2>and you're like just marinate on that for so long.

0:26:44.480 --> 0:26:48.680
<v Speaker 1>It's marinate, that's probably and that you're just like you'll

0:26:48.760 --> 0:26:50.919
<v Speaker 1>think about it and you will like. And so I

0:26:50.920 --> 0:26:52.640
<v Speaker 1>think that's what was happening, was that.

0:26:54.040 --> 0:26:56.040
<v Speaker 2>I had all these beliefs and these things that had

0:26:56.080 --> 0:26:58.679
<v Speaker 2>built up, and then no one that was sending me

0:26:58.720 --> 0:27:01.840
<v Speaker 2>these messages or these comment It's new the battle that

0:27:01.880 --> 0:27:05.399
<v Speaker 2>I was facing. And I think that is another reason

0:27:05.440 --> 0:27:10.359
<v Speaker 2>why I wanted to share the story now, is that

0:27:11.520 --> 0:27:14.800
<v Speaker 2>social media and bullying is such a huge thing, Oh

0:27:14.840 --> 0:27:18.960
<v Speaker 2>my goodness, and I mean there are websites dedicated to

0:27:19.040 --> 0:27:22.719
<v Speaker 2>bullying people on social media and it's disgusting. And I

0:27:22.760 --> 0:27:26.880
<v Speaker 2>think that people just need to be so freaking aware

0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:30.119
<v Speaker 2>that you have no idea.

0:27:30.160 --> 0:27:32.560
<v Speaker 1>As much as you think that you know, you've got.

0:27:32.480 --> 0:27:34.400
<v Speaker 2>No idea what's going on behind the scenes, but even

0:27:34.400 --> 0:27:37.159
<v Speaker 2>with your friends and like the people in your life,

0:27:37.200 --> 0:27:40.960
<v Speaker 2>you've got no idea what people are facing. And kindness

0:27:41.520 --> 0:27:43.600
<v Speaker 2>will always overall that, but you've also got no idea

0:27:43.600 --> 0:27:45.159
<v Speaker 2>when the thing you say is going to be the

0:27:45.160 --> 0:27:49.040
<v Speaker 2>tipping point, which you know, some of those comments and

0:27:49.080 --> 0:27:51.560
<v Speaker 2>messages that I got were a huge part of that,

0:27:52.960 --> 0:27:56.560
<v Speaker 2>and I felt that the gravity of that situation. But

0:27:57.000 --> 0:27:59.359
<v Speaker 2>I do remember, and I feel like I'm just quoting

0:27:59.359 --> 0:28:02.200
<v Speaker 2>my therapist, right and Cinder here she's great, she's great,

0:28:02.240 --> 0:28:07.560
<v Speaker 2>Chatasha her recently, but she was saying because I was

0:28:07.560 --> 0:28:10.160
<v Speaker 2>expressing that, I was like, I can't believe I've ended

0:28:10.200 --> 0:28:12.080
<v Speaker 2>up here again, like this is this is so scary,

0:28:12.119 --> 0:28:15.439
<v Speaker 2>and she was very scared for me as well, but

0:28:15.640 --> 0:28:18.520
<v Speaker 2>was just so phenomenal and was like, you, you need

0:28:18.560 --> 0:28:21.800
<v Speaker 2>to understand that these feelings are the same, but your

0:28:21.880 --> 0:28:25.200
<v Speaker 2>response is different. Huge like it feels and it didn't

0:28:25.200 --> 0:28:27.159
<v Speaker 2>feel different because I was writing the leaders and I

0:28:27.160 --> 0:28:28.560
<v Speaker 2>was doing the things, but this time I was still

0:28:28.600 --> 0:28:31.239
<v Speaker 2>asking like I was speaking up earlier. And there were

0:28:31.240 --> 0:28:32.840
<v Speaker 2>times I didn't want to go to her office and

0:28:32.880 --> 0:28:34.960
<v Speaker 2>she would have to drag my ass there because I

0:28:34.960 --> 0:28:38.360
<v Speaker 2>would be like, no, not today, but every single time

0:28:38.400 --> 0:28:40.440
<v Speaker 2>I went, and that was also an active choice that

0:28:40.480 --> 0:28:42.280
<v Speaker 2>I had to make, where she could drag me as

0:28:42.320 --> 0:28:43.800
<v Speaker 2>much as she wanted to. But at the end of

0:28:43.800 --> 0:28:46.160
<v Speaker 2>the day, like I had to remember who and what

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:49.080
<v Speaker 2>I was fighting for, the same things I did so

0:28:49.200 --> 0:28:52.280
<v Speaker 2>many years ago were tools that I had that I

0:28:52.320 --> 0:28:54.880
<v Speaker 2>had to kick back in and I wasn't in the

0:28:54.920 --> 0:28:56.040
<v Speaker 2>same position.

0:28:56.240 --> 0:28:58.960
<v Speaker 1>It was different, but also it made sense, and I think.

0:28:58.760 --> 0:29:02.600
<v Speaker 2>That's what really helped was understanding that my response and

0:29:02.640 --> 0:29:06.360
<v Speaker 2>my behavior, it made sense, like considering everything that I happened,

0:29:06.360 --> 0:29:08.280
<v Speaker 2>and that had been my default for so long. I

0:29:08.320 --> 0:29:10.640
<v Speaker 2>didn't know how to feel these emotions and experience them

0:29:11.000 --> 0:29:14.720
<v Speaker 2>without not wanting to be here. And we had a

0:29:14.720 --> 0:29:17.440
<v Speaker 2>few like quite big breakthrough moments where I was just

0:29:17.480 --> 0:29:18.520
<v Speaker 2>sitting in her office.

0:29:18.240 --> 0:29:21.960
<v Speaker 1>And lot absolutely lost it. And then after.

0:29:21.800 --> 0:29:24.760
<v Speaker 2>Twenty minutes I was like like.

0:29:25.120 --> 0:29:28.040
<v Speaker 1>Oh my, and I was just like whoa, what happens?

0:29:28.400 --> 0:29:30.040
<v Speaker 2>And she was like, you can feel these things and

0:29:30.080 --> 0:29:32.320
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't have to push you over the edge, like

0:29:32.840 --> 0:29:35.719
<v Speaker 2>it's okay, and I was like whoom like and obviously

0:29:35.720 --> 0:29:38.480
<v Speaker 2>that's like guys every time, but realizing that it ebbs

0:29:38.480 --> 0:29:40.040
<v Speaker 2>and flows, and just because I feel it doesn't mean

0:29:40.080 --> 0:29:41.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna be stuck in it forever, which is what

0:29:41.840 --> 0:29:45.280
<v Speaker 2>I'd always been so afraid of, not even.

0:29:45.280 --> 0:29:47.200
<v Speaker 1>Realizing that's what I was so afraid of.

0:29:47.480 --> 0:29:49.880
<v Speaker 3>It's almost about learning to sit in that really uncomfortable

0:29:49.920 --> 0:29:51.240
<v Speaker 3>obviously with that support around it.

0:29:51.480 --> 0:29:54.000
<v Speaker 4>But you speak about all the time all the time,

0:29:54.120 --> 0:29:56.520
<v Speaker 4>but it's hard, and like you said, if you're if

0:29:56.640 --> 0:29:59.680
<v Speaker 4>your history is shown that you know you struggle to

0:29:59.680 --> 0:30:02.560
<v Speaker 4>do that, of course that's going to be the way

0:30:02.600 --> 0:30:03.000
<v Speaker 4>things go.

0:30:03.120 --> 0:30:04.840
<v Speaker 3>But I think you know what you've also realized through

0:30:04.840 --> 0:30:06.760
<v Speaker 3>this process, which is something I also say all the time,

0:30:06.920 --> 0:30:08.760
<v Speaker 3>is people can only help you with the information you

0:30:08.800 --> 0:30:11.280
<v Speaker 3>give them. So you choosing to bottle up and be

0:30:11.400 --> 0:30:14.600
<v Speaker 3>quiet and not share, which yes, might have been something

0:30:14.600 --> 0:30:18.760
<v Speaker 3>many people would do for one reason or another, ultimately

0:30:19.320 --> 0:30:20.400
<v Speaker 3>didn't help you.

0:30:20.640 --> 0:30:21.080
<v Speaker 1>In the end.

0:30:21.080 --> 0:30:22.840
<v Speaker 3>It was when you opened up and you said I

0:30:22.880 --> 0:30:26.880
<v Speaker 3>need help, I'm not okay. That's when the change started

0:30:26.880 --> 0:30:27.280
<v Speaker 3>to happen.

0:30:27.440 --> 0:30:31.040
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I think it's so important for people to

0:30:31.120 --> 0:30:33.040
<v Speaker 2>understand that on so many levels. But I think the

0:30:33.760 --> 0:30:35.600
<v Speaker 2>reason even for me coming forward for it now is

0:30:35.600 --> 0:30:38.120
<v Speaker 2>that I think that's what a lot of people who

0:30:38.360 --> 0:30:43.040
<v Speaker 2>might be in high impact jobs or like parents, or

0:30:43.040 --> 0:30:45.160
<v Speaker 2>are living these busy lifestyles where you.

0:30:45.080 --> 0:30:46.320
<v Speaker 1>Just think, I don't have time.

0:30:46.600 --> 0:30:48.320
<v Speaker 2>And that's kind of how I felt as well, was like,

0:30:48.640 --> 0:30:50.520
<v Speaker 2>I literally I don't have time to break.

0:30:51.720 --> 0:30:55.200
<v Speaker 1>But unfortunately that's gone. If you don't deal, it's gonna

0:30:55.200 --> 0:30:55.440
<v Speaker 1>break you.

0:30:55.960 --> 0:30:58.200
<v Speaker 2>It's gonna happen eventually, And it would have been better

0:30:58.240 --> 0:31:00.280
<v Speaker 2>for me to have done it when it happened, rather

0:31:00.320 --> 0:31:02.840
<v Speaker 2>than let it build and build and build and build.

0:31:02.960 --> 0:31:04.720
<v Speaker 1>And then get to the point where I'm writing a

0:31:04.760 --> 0:31:05.280
<v Speaker 1>will again.

0:31:05.440 --> 0:31:09.560
<v Speaker 2>That should have never happened, but it did, and I think,

0:31:10.280 --> 0:31:11.480
<v Speaker 2>you know, giving myself that.

0:31:11.800 --> 0:31:13.320
<v Speaker 1>I handled it.

0:31:13.600 --> 0:31:15.440
<v Speaker 2>What I thought was the thing that was going to

0:31:15.600 --> 0:31:17.880
<v Speaker 2>keep me here, but obviously my way of handling it

0:31:17.920 --> 0:31:19.560
<v Speaker 2>was also the thing that nearly took me out right.

0:31:20.560 --> 0:31:24.280
<v Speaker 2>And so yeah, learning that whole thing if people can

0:31:24.320 --> 0:31:26.800
<v Speaker 2>only help you with the information you give them, and

0:31:27.040 --> 0:31:31.040
<v Speaker 2>having those conversations, and I was able to one of

0:31:31.040 --> 0:31:34.240
<v Speaker 2>the most incredible people through this was someone who I

0:31:34.480 --> 0:31:36.600
<v Speaker 2>won't name her on this because she'll be she hates

0:31:36.680 --> 0:31:41.680
<v Speaker 2>any sort of recognition for anything. But my old supervisor, yes,

0:31:42.880 --> 0:31:47.200
<v Speaker 2>who just phenomenal and was really good at kind of

0:31:47.520 --> 0:31:50.640
<v Speaker 2>combating the comments that were said. But that only happened

0:31:50.640 --> 0:31:53.440
<v Speaker 2>when I shit them shared it. Otherwise it was just

0:31:53.440 --> 0:31:55.560
<v Speaker 2>this one sided perspective that I had of like, this

0:31:55.680 --> 0:31:57.160
<v Speaker 2>is your fault. But when I was able to talk

0:31:57.200 --> 0:31:58.840
<v Speaker 2>to someone else and explain it and they were able

0:31:58.840 --> 0:32:06.560
<v Speaker 2>to be like no, I was like, oh my gosh.

0:32:06.880 --> 0:32:08.800
<v Speaker 3>It was one heck of a journey being I guess

0:32:08.800 --> 0:32:11.160
<v Speaker 3>a support person in your life and a friend. And

0:32:11.200 --> 0:32:15.200
<v Speaker 3>I'm so glad that you've the garden or you're deep

0:32:15.200 --> 0:32:18.320
<v Speaker 3>in that healing process. But where are you now? How

0:32:18.400 --> 0:32:19.240
<v Speaker 3>have you got from there?

0:32:19.400 --> 0:32:23.120
<v Speaker 2>The therapy has been a big thing, but I think

0:32:24.240 --> 0:32:28.000
<v Speaker 2>really just going back to my why and my purpose,

0:32:28.000 --> 0:32:30.280
<v Speaker 2>which I've always been so strong on anyway, as to

0:32:30.360 --> 0:32:32.640
<v Speaker 2>why we do this and the people that we get

0:32:32.640 --> 0:32:35.760
<v Speaker 2>to impact. And I think what was so hard in

0:32:35.800 --> 0:32:38.720
<v Speaker 2>that time was that until I made my statement, all

0:32:38.760 --> 0:32:41.440
<v Speaker 2>I saw was the negative stuff. And so I think

0:32:41.640 --> 0:32:43.680
<v Speaker 2>what can often happen in a country like this that's

0:32:43.720 --> 0:32:45.560
<v Speaker 2>so tiny is that you then feel like the entire

0:32:45.600 --> 0:32:47.960
<v Speaker 2>world hates you. And I think it didn't help going

0:32:47.960 --> 0:32:49.720
<v Speaker 2>to the airport and having that person come up to

0:32:49.760 --> 0:32:52.840
<v Speaker 2>my face and say that, because then you do feel

0:32:52.840 --> 0:32:55.760
<v Speaker 2>like physically everyone is against you, but that's just not

0:32:55.840 --> 0:32:56.240
<v Speaker 2>the case.

0:32:56.280 --> 0:32:58.600
<v Speaker 1>And I think being able to.

0:32:59.440 --> 0:33:03.920
<v Speaker 2>Go through the process of feeling the emotions and riding

0:33:03.920 --> 0:33:08.600
<v Speaker 2>it out as hot freaking was and then realizing like

0:33:09.280 --> 0:33:12.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm okay and going back. I had to do so

0:33:12.960 --> 0:33:15.080
<v Speaker 2>many speaking events in the middle of this, and it

0:33:15.120 --> 0:33:17.040
<v Speaker 2>was so freaking hard, and I remember having to do

0:33:17.080 --> 0:33:20.360
<v Speaker 2>a schools tour. We were at a school and it

0:33:20.440 --> 0:33:22.360
<v Speaker 2>was so hard. But then I was like, I gave

0:33:22.400 --> 0:33:23.800
<v Speaker 2>you an hour. I was like, we can cancel it,

0:33:24.880 --> 0:33:27.840
<v Speaker 2>and then seeing all of these kids and being like

0:33:28.560 --> 0:33:30.760
<v Speaker 2>that's why, like this is why, and this is so

0:33:30.880 --> 0:33:32.600
<v Speaker 2>much bigger than me. But in order to do this,

0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:34.880
<v Speaker 2>I have to put myself first and I have to

0:33:35.640 --> 0:33:37.440
<v Speaker 2>do the hard yards. And I don't think I did

0:33:37.520 --> 0:33:42.680
<v Speaker 2>like work like properly for months, which I will say

0:33:42.680 --> 0:33:44.680
<v Speaker 2>as a privilege to be in a position to be

0:33:44.720 --> 0:33:45.680
<v Speaker 2>able to do that.

0:33:47.120 --> 0:33:49.360
<v Speaker 1>And to be able to just like, but you didn't

0:33:49.400 --> 0:33:50.000
<v Speaker 1>have capacity.

0:33:50.080 --> 0:33:53.680
<v Speaker 2>I had zero capacity to do anything other than no,

0:33:54.320 --> 0:33:56.000
<v Speaker 2>I couldn't get out of a beard half of the time,

0:33:56.080 --> 0:33:59.360
<v Speaker 2>Like I was literally like I like, I don't know

0:33:59.360 --> 0:34:02.280
<v Speaker 2>how to function. And but and that's when I got

0:34:02.280 --> 0:34:04.080
<v Speaker 2>put being on anti depressants from this as well, which

0:34:04.120 --> 0:34:05.680
<v Speaker 2>was also a huge thing because then I was like,

0:34:05.760 --> 0:34:09.359
<v Speaker 2>oh my gosh, I'm going back and mailed everyone. Yeah,

0:34:09.360 --> 0:34:12.840
<v Speaker 2>and then my friend Jane was like, girl, like, it's

0:34:12.880 --> 0:34:15.480
<v Speaker 2>literally the same as you needing to get like midsphere

0:34:15.480 --> 0:34:17.960
<v Speaker 2>physical health, like you're fine, and I was like, yeah,

0:34:18.000 --> 0:34:20.440
<v Speaker 2>I know, and I know this, like I literally preach this,

0:34:21.360 --> 0:34:24.000
<v Speaker 2>and I think that's been That's also why I wanted

0:34:24.040 --> 0:34:27.640
<v Speaker 2>to share the story and be like I still like

0:34:28.360 --> 0:34:30.600
<v Speaker 2>people often will put us on this pedastool of like,

0:34:31.280 --> 0:34:32.799
<v Speaker 2>and we've often been like, oh my gosh, like if

0:34:32.800 --> 0:34:34.000
<v Speaker 2>we've had to get to the back to the point

0:34:34.000 --> 0:34:36.000
<v Speaker 2>of being put in a psych wood, which by like

0:34:36.200 --> 0:34:36.799
<v Speaker 2>I was.

0:34:36.719 --> 0:34:39.279
<v Speaker 1>Like, oh no, no, like, don't put me back there,

0:34:39.360 --> 0:34:39.960
<v Speaker 1>don't do it.

0:34:40.760 --> 0:34:43.280
<v Speaker 2>But I was probably quite close, and there's.

0:34:43.160 --> 0:34:44.920
<v Speaker 1>Nothing wrong with needing that help.

0:34:46.040 --> 0:34:49.319
<v Speaker 2>But I think having the ability to go in and

0:34:49.440 --> 0:34:52.879
<v Speaker 2>just be open and honest and having a therapist who

0:34:53.400 --> 0:34:56.000
<v Speaker 2>I trust with my life, which has been huge because

0:34:56.000 --> 0:34:59.120
<v Speaker 2>I've never had that before. I've never had someone that

0:34:59.120 --> 0:35:02.640
<v Speaker 2>I've clicked with like, and that has just been like

0:35:02.680 --> 0:35:04.880
<v Speaker 2>I've felt safe enough to kind of just be like,

0:35:05.200 --> 0:35:09.320
<v Speaker 2>this is all of me, here's everything, and it's.

0:35:09.160 --> 0:35:12.400
<v Speaker 1>Been really it was really really helpful. And also I

0:35:12.440 --> 0:35:13.640
<v Speaker 1>mean my dog.

0:35:13.440 --> 0:35:17.160
<v Speaker 2>Was a big distraction, lived belly who was crapping everywhere

0:35:17.200 --> 0:35:19.960
<v Speaker 2>and I having to clean up at two am. But

0:35:20.000 --> 0:35:21.879
<v Speaker 2>I think going back to those basics and not being

0:35:21.920 --> 0:35:24.040
<v Speaker 2>afraid to go back to them and being like, Okay,

0:35:24.080 --> 0:35:27.080
<v Speaker 2>this is right now, this is about keeping me here.

0:35:27.520 --> 0:35:29.239
<v Speaker 2>And then after that it was like, Okay, now it's

0:35:29.280 --> 0:35:31.640
<v Speaker 2>about fighting to get out of this mindset, and it's

0:35:31.680 --> 0:35:37.600
<v Speaker 2>about rerealizing the mission the purpose, and also that I

0:35:37.600 --> 0:35:39.920
<v Speaker 2>would still I think what's been a really big thing

0:35:39.920 --> 0:35:42.400
<v Speaker 2>and a really hard thing is that for me, and

0:35:42.440 --> 0:35:44.160
<v Speaker 2>I think for both of us. But I know for me,

0:35:44.400 --> 0:35:47.799
<v Speaker 2>this blew up so fast, and I felt like ever

0:35:47.840 --> 0:35:49.480
<v Speaker 2>since I when I went to film school, I've been

0:35:49.520 --> 0:35:53.000
<v Speaker 2>on this trajectory that just never so it just kept going.

0:35:53.400 --> 0:35:55.560
<v Speaker 2>And I think it's really easy to not to not

0:35:55.600 --> 0:35:58.680
<v Speaker 2>that I lost myself, but I think that you begin

0:35:58.719 --> 0:36:00.319
<v Speaker 2>to not know who you are without all of this,

0:36:00.960 --> 0:36:04.520
<v Speaker 2>all the stuff that's going on and the crazy busy work,

0:36:04.520 --> 0:36:05.960
<v Speaker 2>and I think people often find that even in the

0:36:06.000 --> 0:36:08.080
<v Speaker 2>normal jobs, like but also not being given the space

0:36:08.120 --> 0:36:10.360
<v Speaker 2>to process confront things.

0:36:10.360 --> 0:36:11.319
<v Speaker 1>What also happened to.

0:36:11.400 --> 0:36:14.240
<v Speaker 2>Just be And so I think being able to step

0:36:14.280 --> 0:36:18.560
<v Speaker 2>back and be like, I'm like, I'm loved without this

0:36:18.760 --> 0:36:21.040
<v Speaker 2>and that's really it's a really like it could be

0:36:21.080 --> 0:36:23.600
<v Speaker 2>confusing people to hear, but I think I understand now

0:36:23.880 --> 0:36:27.120
<v Speaker 2>and I'm nowhere on the scale of these people, but

0:36:27.200 --> 0:36:31.759
<v Speaker 2>I understand how actuabal celebrities can get to the point

0:36:31.840 --> 0:36:34.279
<v Speaker 2>when you have thousands of people every day telling you

0:36:34.320 --> 0:36:36.480
<v Speaker 2>how much they love you, but they don't know you,

0:36:37.600 --> 0:36:40.600
<v Speaker 2>and then you know, it's so hard to be like,

0:36:40.640 --> 0:36:42.520
<v Speaker 2>but you don't, you don't know me, and then you

0:36:42.560 --> 0:36:45.239
<v Speaker 2>think that maybe people only love you for the things

0:36:45.239 --> 0:36:46.759
<v Speaker 2>that you do, but not who you are. And so

0:36:46.840 --> 0:36:50.560
<v Speaker 2>I think having your identity being wrapped up, and so

0:36:50.600 --> 0:36:54.520
<v Speaker 2>I think you're having that space to just know who

0:36:54.840 --> 0:36:59.759
<v Speaker 2>I am and know that I could be okay with

0:37:00.040 --> 0:37:05.040
<v Speaker 2>all without doing the stuff, and I could step away.

0:37:05.280 --> 0:37:07.279
<v Speaker 1>I won't because I love it so much.

0:37:07.400 --> 0:37:09.759
<v Speaker 2>And every single person that we get to meet, which

0:37:09.800 --> 0:37:12.600
<v Speaker 2>is we get so many, so many people, and I

0:37:12.640 --> 0:37:14.800
<v Speaker 2>think on our last tour, I probably hugged like a

0:37:14.880 --> 0:37:18.839
<v Speaker 2>thousand of you, Like there is sootal evidence, so many

0:37:18.840 --> 0:37:21.160
<v Speaker 2>out but every time, like I'm such a hugger and

0:37:21.200 --> 0:37:23.279
<v Speaker 2>just being able to do that, I'm like, this is

0:37:23.719 --> 0:37:25.839
<v Speaker 2>this is the why and so and I've always been

0:37:25.880 --> 0:37:27.719
<v Speaker 2>so big one, like it's really hard to fight if we.

0:37:27.719 --> 0:37:28.640
<v Speaker 1>Don't know what you're fighting for.

0:37:29.160 --> 0:37:31.279
<v Speaker 2>And I was so lucky that I've had the perspective

0:37:31.400 --> 0:37:33.960
<v Speaker 2>of knowing what it was to be healed and that

0:37:34.160 --> 0:37:36.799
<v Speaker 2>unfortunately I just had to do the process again and

0:37:36.840 --> 0:37:39.520
<v Speaker 2>I probably will have to do the process again. But

0:37:39.560 --> 0:37:43.560
<v Speaker 2>we've always been so aware of this being a potential right.

0:37:43.600 --> 0:37:46.560
<v Speaker 2>We've had these discussions of like, it's the same, not

0:37:46.880 --> 0:37:49.839
<v Speaker 2>I want to compare it, but like, for example, someone

0:37:49.920 --> 0:37:54.279
<v Speaker 2>with cancer, they go into remission and even if they

0:37:54.320 --> 0:37:56.399
<v Speaker 2>get fully clear, there's still a chance that that will

0:37:56.400 --> 0:37:56.759
<v Speaker 2>come back.

0:37:57.040 --> 0:37:59.280
<v Speaker 1>You've disposed to it, if that's something right world.

0:37:59.080 --> 0:38:01.040
<v Speaker 2>And it's the same thing this where I'm like, I've

0:38:01.080 --> 0:38:04.080
<v Speaker 2>been aware that this could be something that could come

0:38:04.200 --> 0:38:08.440
<v Speaker 2>up again, but it's about being pre armed with that,

0:38:08.560 --> 0:38:10.560
<v Speaker 2>and I think I just wasn't at the time, and

0:38:10.560 --> 0:38:12.319
<v Speaker 2>everything kind of took me off guard, and I just

0:38:12.400 --> 0:38:13.880
<v Speaker 2>let it derail me.

0:38:14.080 --> 0:38:16.680
<v Speaker 1>You needed to read your own book. I did. I

0:38:16.719 --> 0:38:20.000
<v Speaker 1>probably should have. I really should have literally have a

0:38:20.000 --> 0:38:21.439
<v Speaker 1>tool book. I know I haven't.

0:38:21.480 --> 0:38:23.279
<v Speaker 2>I literally even read that sin side of the audiobook

0:38:23.960 --> 0:38:25.320
<v Speaker 2>Slip Sick Brain Struggles.

0:38:26.160 --> 0:38:28.080
<v Speaker 3>But it's such a valid point. You know, We've had

0:38:28.160 --> 0:38:30.400
<v Speaker 3>multiple conversations. I can remember one in particular. I think

0:38:30.400 --> 0:38:31.360
<v Speaker 3>I was on the phone to you and I was

0:38:31.360 --> 0:38:33.840
<v Speaker 3>at my parents' house and we were talking what was

0:38:33.880 --> 0:38:36.200
<v Speaker 3>in person, but about the fact that there's almost this pressure,

0:38:36.360 --> 0:38:40.640
<v Speaker 3>like you've said multiple times, to be perfect for lack

0:38:40.640 --> 0:38:43.759
<v Speaker 3>of a better word, as mental health advocates who talk

0:38:43.800 --> 0:38:46.960
<v Speaker 3>about hope and talk about freedom and how you know,

0:38:47.239 --> 0:38:50.200
<v Speaker 3>great life is that we can't have moments of pain

0:38:50.280 --> 0:38:53.040
<v Speaker 3>and struggle. But actually that's not realistic. No, we're still

0:38:53.120 --> 0:38:55.279
<v Speaker 3>human beings. And I think that's another reason why it's

0:38:55.280 --> 0:38:57.680
<v Speaker 3>so important that you've shared this part of yourself, because

0:38:58.000 --> 0:39:02.760
<v Speaker 3>it humanizes you. It actually makes the realities of facing

0:39:02.800 --> 0:39:05.480
<v Speaker 3>into health challenges more normal.

0:39:06.239 --> 0:39:11.279
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think I've really noticed that, probably honestly, over

0:39:11.320 --> 0:39:14.040
<v Speaker 2>the last couple of years of I always was trying

0:39:14.120 --> 0:39:16.920
<v Speaker 2>so hard to make sure I was always speaking from

0:39:16.960 --> 0:39:18.479
<v Speaker 2>the point of hope. And I think that's just because

0:39:18.480 --> 0:39:21.160
<v Speaker 2>it's what I was always missing in my life for

0:39:21.239 --> 0:39:23.200
<v Speaker 2>all of my struggles, that I wanted to make sure

0:39:23.239 --> 0:39:26.319
<v Speaker 2>that that was something that I did. And I think

0:39:26.360 --> 0:39:30.759
<v Speaker 2>that at times that came across as this perfect life,

0:39:30.760 --> 0:39:35.320
<v Speaker 2>which is just never been the reality. And there's always

0:39:35.320 --> 0:39:38.480
<v Speaker 2>so much going on behind the scenes that people don't see.

0:39:38.520 --> 0:39:41.759
<v Speaker 2>And I think being able to have these conversations and

0:39:42.120 --> 0:39:44.440
<v Speaker 2>I think I called you wanting to do this like

0:39:44.640 --> 0:39:47.799
<v Speaker 2>six months ago, yeah, but being unsure as to how

0:39:47.880 --> 0:39:50.560
<v Speaker 2>and when and how do I do this conversation, but

0:39:50.880 --> 0:39:54.480
<v Speaker 2>knowing that the people that are in our community or

0:39:54.520 --> 0:39:56.720
<v Speaker 2>people that are listening to this, or people that follow

0:39:56.840 --> 0:40:01.440
<v Speaker 2>us online who maybe were doing really well and then

0:40:01.520 --> 0:40:05.520
<v Speaker 2>dipped again to be like that it happens, Okay, it happens.

0:40:05.520 --> 0:40:09.120
<v Speaker 2>It's okay, We're all in this together. And there were

0:40:09.120 --> 0:40:11.680
<v Speaker 2>times in that moment, in that kind of period for me,

0:40:11.840 --> 0:40:15.279
<v Speaker 2>where I could not see my way out. And I

0:40:15.320 --> 0:40:18.759
<v Speaker 2>think that's where I was so strongly reminded of the

0:40:18.800 --> 0:40:22.160
<v Speaker 2>need for community and communication and TI who we go

0:40:22.160 --> 0:40:25.480
<v Speaker 2>on tour with whoft and say like communication is one

0:40:25.480 --> 0:40:27.200
<v Speaker 2>of the most important things in life, Like if you

0:40:27.200 --> 0:40:29.319
<v Speaker 2>don't know how to communicate, no one knows what's going on.

0:40:29.480 --> 0:40:32.560
<v Speaker 2>And I almost lost all communications schools. I literally stopped.

0:40:32.280 --> 0:40:35.960
<v Speaker 1>Replying to people, But how would people know what was

0:40:36.000 --> 0:40:38.399
<v Speaker 1>going on then? And been able to let people in?

0:40:38.480 --> 0:40:41.800
<v Speaker 2>And I think I was just afraid of people seeing

0:40:41.840 --> 0:40:44.919
<v Speaker 2>my mess and seeing me like that, because, like I said,

0:40:44.960 --> 0:40:50.040
<v Speaker 2>I felt like I had failed and that I had

0:40:50.080 --> 0:40:52.399
<v Speaker 2>failed the people that had trusted us, and I had

0:40:52.440 --> 0:40:54.480
<v Speaker 2>failed the people that followed us, and I had failed

0:40:54.480 --> 0:40:57.279
<v Speaker 2>the people that were closest to me. And so my

0:40:57.960 --> 0:41:01.560
<v Speaker 2>way to deal with that was to just block everyone out.

0:41:01.760 --> 0:41:02.839
<v Speaker 1>And do you know what you've probably done.

0:41:02.880 --> 0:41:05.600
<v Speaker 3>You've probably actually validated a lot of people's experiences through

0:41:05.640 --> 0:41:08.239
<v Speaker 3>sharing this and made them feel of it heck of

0:41:08.320 --> 0:41:11.120
<v Speaker 3>a lot less alone, but also given them hope that,

0:41:11.560 --> 0:41:13.480
<v Speaker 3>you know, one of the common things will here is

0:41:13.480 --> 0:41:16.040
<v Speaker 3>this narrative around I've had a relapse or a blip

0:41:16.040 --> 0:41:18.440
<v Speaker 3>in the road, or I've you know, gone through something

0:41:18.640 --> 0:41:20.920
<v Speaker 3>you know again and now I've failed, I'm back to

0:41:20.960 --> 0:41:23.920
<v Speaker 3>square one. But reality is, like you've said, you know,

0:41:23.960 --> 0:41:26.080
<v Speaker 3>you went through something again that you never should have,

0:41:26.360 --> 0:41:29.160
<v Speaker 3>but this time you had more tools and skills and

0:41:29.360 --> 0:41:32.400
<v Speaker 3>probably resilience to overcome that, even in the moments it

0:41:32.440 --> 0:41:33.319
<v Speaker 3>didn't feel like it.

0:41:33.600 --> 0:41:37.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And it's the whole thing of not realizing your

0:41:37.400 --> 0:41:41.080
<v Speaker 2>own strength. And I think that a big thing that

0:41:41.160 --> 0:41:43.040
<v Speaker 2>I have always tried to focus on, especially with the

0:41:43.040 --> 0:41:44.680
<v Speaker 2>amount of people that will come up to us and

0:41:44.680 --> 0:41:46.840
<v Speaker 2>be like you saved my life, as putting that power

0:41:46.880 --> 0:41:49.239
<v Speaker 2>back in their hands and going all we did was

0:41:49.280 --> 0:41:51.239
<v Speaker 2>say hey, there's another option, like you were the one

0:41:51.239 --> 0:41:54.120
<v Speaker 2>that's did all the hard work to stay. And I

0:41:54.160 --> 0:41:57.200
<v Speaker 2>think for myself and all of those moments having to

0:41:57.280 --> 0:42:00.080
<v Speaker 2>go back and be like Jazz like that when that

0:42:00.160 --> 0:42:02.800
<v Speaker 2>you've been through this last time, it wasn't all because

0:42:02.960 --> 0:42:05.439
<v Speaker 2>my relationships have changed and people around me have changed,

0:42:05.480 --> 0:42:07.520
<v Speaker 2>like so much has changed, but the one thing that

0:42:07.560 --> 0:42:12.640
<v Speaker 2>hasn't changed is me. And I thought it last time

0:42:12.800 --> 0:42:14.520
<v Speaker 2>and it wasn't anyone else that got me through it

0:42:14.520 --> 0:42:16.520
<v Speaker 2>at the end of the day. Other things helped one

0:42:16.560 --> 0:42:19.840
<v Speaker 2>hundred percent, but I had to do it. And I

0:42:19.880 --> 0:42:24.080
<v Speaker 2>think that that related so much to this time. Where

0:42:24.600 --> 0:42:28.919
<v Speaker 2>as much as it felt so similar, I didn't act

0:42:28.960 --> 0:42:33.160
<v Speaker 2>like I obviously started to do the process of it,

0:42:33.200 --> 0:42:34.920
<v Speaker 2>but I think I did the process knowing I wouldn't

0:42:34.920 --> 0:42:35.640
<v Speaker 2>actually do it.

0:42:35.840 --> 0:42:38.080
<v Speaker 1>I don't think at any point in time. I mean,

0:42:38.480 --> 0:42:40.399
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I don't think I could say for sure.

0:42:40.440 --> 0:42:44.160
<v Speaker 2>And I think you know, because of my ADHD and

0:42:44.160 --> 0:42:46.719
<v Speaker 2>the impulsivity as well, like there was definitely a chance.

0:42:46.480 --> 0:42:48.959
<v Speaker 3>But you were able to intervene. Yeah, I think that

0:42:49.120 --> 0:42:49.800
<v Speaker 3>before it.

0:42:49.920 --> 0:42:53.239
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, something more Yeah, and been able to then identify

0:42:53.280 --> 0:42:55.680
<v Speaker 2>it and look at in the face, whereas twelve year

0:42:55.680 --> 0:42:58.640
<v Speaker 2>old Jazz absolutely didn't have no she would have run already.

0:42:59.800 --> 0:43:02.480
<v Speaker 2>And I think after you sent me that message and

0:43:02.520 --> 0:43:04.320
<v Speaker 2>I was in therapy, I made a commitment that I

0:43:04.840 --> 0:43:07.319
<v Speaker 2>was like, there's no way, like I will not as

0:43:07.400 --> 0:43:09.560
<v Speaker 2>much as I want to, it's not happening. I'm not

0:43:09.600 --> 0:43:13.640
<v Speaker 2>gonna I refuse, and it was such a game changer,

0:43:13.760 --> 0:43:16.440
<v Speaker 2>and it's like, I feel so horrif it to even

0:43:16.440 --> 0:43:19.319
<v Speaker 2>talk about it like that, because that was such a

0:43:19.360 --> 0:43:23.360
<v Speaker 2>horrific situation that happened and the loss of this beautiful

0:43:23.360 --> 0:43:26.640
<v Speaker 2>life which should have never happened. And I think I

0:43:26.680 --> 0:43:29.160
<v Speaker 2>could have had the same realization without that. I think

0:43:29.160 --> 0:43:32.480
<v Speaker 2>it was just the message of in the time, how

0:43:32.520 --> 0:43:34.680
<v Speaker 2>many the timing and the message of how many people

0:43:35.120 --> 0:43:36.000
<v Speaker 2>that have found hope.

0:43:36.040 --> 0:43:37.920
<v Speaker 1>And it wasn't it wasn't a guilt.

0:43:37.600 --> 0:43:41.800
<v Speaker 2>Thing, but it was a realization of like the impact

0:43:41.840 --> 0:43:44.480
<v Speaker 2>that I've been able to have and the privilege that

0:43:44.520 --> 0:43:47.040
<v Speaker 2>I've had in the platform that people have given me,

0:43:48.480 --> 0:43:50.520
<v Speaker 2>and the trust, yeah, the trust and to the inn

0:43:51.239 --> 0:43:53.440
<v Speaker 2>And I think it's important like that everything I was

0:43:53.440 --> 0:43:55.200
<v Speaker 2>feeling at that time was justified and it was so

0:43:55.320 --> 0:43:58.400
<v Speaker 2>and it was so hard, but I had a responsibility

0:43:58.480 --> 0:44:00.920
<v Speaker 2>to to fight through it that I could have this

0:44:01.000 --> 0:44:05.239
<v Speaker 2>conversation so that I could say, like it's possible to

0:44:05.280 --> 0:44:07.560
<v Speaker 2>do it all over again, and it's so hard and

0:44:07.560 --> 0:44:09.920
<v Speaker 2>it's so draining when you're like I'm back here again,

0:44:10.200 --> 0:44:13.799
<v Speaker 2>Like hard did I hand up here again? But it

0:44:13.880 --> 0:44:15.840
<v Speaker 2>is like what you said, giving that grace to yourself

0:44:15.880 --> 0:44:20.160
<v Speaker 2>and going like jazz like this was horrific, And there

0:44:20.160 --> 0:44:21.560
<v Speaker 2>were so many other things in my life that had

0:44:21.600 --> 0:44:23.319
<v Speaker 2>fallen apart at the time, and obviously I went through

0:44:23.320 --> 0:44:27.759
<v Speaker 2>a very public breakup, which was kind of and to

0:44:27.800 --> 0:44:30.520
<v Speaker 2>weave with what had happened overseas as well. When I

0:44:30.520 --> 0:44:34.480
<v Speaker 2>began to realize like I was really struggling with physically anyway.

0:44:34.400 --> 0:44:35.160
<v Speaker 1>I had a smilar thing.

0:44:35.160 --> 0:44:36.480
<v Speaker 2>Even when I was on Dancing with the Stars, I

0:44:36.640 --> 0:44:39.680
<v Speaker 2>kind of realized that like when my partner Brad, who

0:44:39.719 --> 0:44:42.160
<v Speaker 2>was so he were so great with me and would

0:44:42.200 --> 0:44:44.440
<v Speaker 2>have to like be super close to me and I

0:44:44.480 --> 0:44:45.399
<v Speaker 2>would freak out.

0:44:45.680 --> 0:44:46.279
<v Speaker 1>I just thought it.

0:44:46.280 --> 0:44:48.279
<v Speaker 2>I was like, uh, like there's a video of I

0:44:48.320 --> 0:44:49.880
<v Speaker 2>had to put my hand on his chest for something,

0:44:49.880 --> 0:44:51.360
<v Speaker 2>and literally it was supposed to be like that, and

0:44:51.400 --> 0:44:53.359
<v Speaker 2>I just had like claws out, like I don't want

0:44:53.360 --> 0:44:56.680
<v Speaker 2>to touch you. And so even that kind of carried through.

0:44:56.760 --> 0:44:58.840
<v Speaker 2>And I don't know what people know this, but that

0:44:58.960 --> 0:45:01.719
<v Speaker 2>was my second relationship. My first one was actually also

0:45:01.719 --> 0:45:03.239
<v Speaker 2>when I was in the public eye, but I'd never

0:45:03.400 --> 0:45:05.359
<v Speaker 2>posted about it, so no one even knew about it.

0:45:06.320 --> 0:45:07.600
<v Speaker 1>And that didn't last very long.

0:45:07.680 --> 0:45:10.840
<v Speaker 2>And then yeah, I have my my ex was my

0:45:10.880 --> 0:45:14.080
<v Speaker 2>secondary relationship, and having that public and then having the breakup,

0:45:14.120 --> 0:45:15.960
<v Speaker 2>which also then had to be public because people were

0:45:15.960 --> 0:45:18.040
<v Speaker 2>coming up to me on the street and being and

0:45:18.040 --> 0:45:21.520
<v Speaker 2>this was all like around idtrs. You were getting messages

0:45:21.560 --> 0:45:24.120
<v Speaker 2>like there was just so much happening that people didn't know.

0:45:25.160 --> 0:45:26.680
<v Speaker 2>And I could have been honest about it when it

0:45:26.719 --> 0:45:29.920
<v Speaker 2>was happening one hundred percent, But I also I was

0:45:29.960 --> 0:45:34.080
<v Speaker 2>aware of the position that I have and the responsibility

0:45:34.080 --> 0:45:35.560
<v Speaker 2>that I have that I didn't want to free people

0:45:35.600 --> 0:45:37.719
<v Speaker 2>out in the fact that people would freak out if

0:45:37.760 --> 0:45:39.560
<v Speaker 2>I'm off social media for like three days and they

0:45:39.560 --> 0:45:42.600
<v Speaker 2>think that I've you know, done something or something's happened

0:45:43.880 --> 0:45:48.160
<v Speaker 2>where it's like okay, it's like yeah, I don't even.

0:45:48.200 --> 0:45:50.560
<v Speaker 3>Well, no, if you shared at that time where you'd

0:45:50.560 --> 0:45:52.719
<v Speaker 3>be going against everything. We sort of talk about the

0:45:52.719 --> 0:45:57.520
<v Speaker 3>importance of going through you know, that healing before because

0:45:57.640 --> 0:46:00.120
<v Speaker 3>you can't rush that process. That's not to say, ef

0:46:00.160 --> 0:46:02.000
<v Speaker 3>yone's going to go and share this story publicly after

0:46:02.000 --> 0:46:04.960
<v Speaker 3>they go through something traumatic or challenging, but you know,

0:46:05.000 --> 0:46:06.560
<v Speaker 3>you had to give yourself that time.

0:46:07.080 --> 0:46:09.759
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I think it's also important to acknowledge, like

0:46:09.760 --> 0:46:12.719
<v Speaker 2>it's a never ending journey I think in regards to

0:46:12.760 --> 0:46:15.800
<v Speaker 2>like learning and seeing beliefs that come up, and even

0:46:15.920 --> 0:46:19.640
<v Speaker 2>like recently with this crazy stalker situation that had burned,

0:46:19.640 --> 0:46:21.480
<v Speaker 2>which was absolutely bonkers.

0:46:21.640 --> 0:46:24.080
<v Speaker 1>It's been a big episode. I know, this is so much.

0:46:24.080 --> 0:46:25.560
<v Speaker 1>I mean, this is so much. Update you a lot.

0:46:25.600 --> 0:46:26.480
<v Speaker 1>It's just so crazy.

0:46:26.719 --> 0:46:29.120
<v Speaker 2>But the reason I wanted to bring this up was that, obviously,

0:46:29.480 --> 0:46:32.839
<v Speaker 2>for those of you who haven't seen it, basically man

0:46:32.880 --> 0:46:35.960
<v Speaker 2>fluid from the Netherlands, man sending scary messages, man found

0:46:35.960 --> 0:46:40.279
<v Speaker 2>my house. I had the criminal forensic behavior specialists from

0:46:40.280 --> 0:46:42.200
<v Speaker 2>the police contact me and be like, here's what to do,

0:46:42.280 --> 0:46:46.120
<v Speaker 2>worst case scenario. But what I recally know, I don't

0:46:46.120 --> 0:46:47.680
<v Speaker 2>even know if I've talked about talk to you about this,

0:46:47.760 --> 0:46:49.120
<v Speaker 2>But it was another thing that kind of came up

0:46:49.200 --> 0:46:51.319
<v Speaker 2>that made me go, man, this is a forever kind

0:46:51.360 --> 0:46:55.640
<v Speaker 2>of going journey where obviously I was terrified for my

0:46:55.680 --> 0:46:58.400
<v Speaker 2>life in that time, but what was more scary for

0:46:58.440 --> 0:47:00.640
<v Speaker 2>me was me going, oh my gosh, I've put everyone

0:47:00.640 --> 0:47:02.680
<v Speaker 2>else that are closest to me in this position where

0:47:02.719 --> 0:47:03.319
<v Speaker 2>everyone is at.

0:47:03.320 --> 0:47:09.960
<v Speaker 1>Risk of being hurt, and that was so hard to acknowledge.

0:47:10.000 --> 0:47:14.239
<v Speaker 2>By what was so I think has been so how

0:47:14.239 --> 0:47:15.840
<v Speaker 2>do I don't even know how to word this, But

0:47:15.880 --> 0:47:19.600
<v Speaker 2>because of what I went through with the assault, the

0:47:19.600 --> 0:47:21.439
<v Speaker 2>way I dealt with it, and that I didn't talk

0:47:21.480 --> 0:47:25.080
<v Speaker 2>about it, I went got my ass straight back into

0:47:25.120 --> 0:47:28.080
<v Speaker 2>therapy as this happened, and I thought it was literally

0:47:28.120 --> 0:47:29.879
<v Speaker 2>like two days later me and my therapists were doing

0:47:29.920 --> 0:47:34.680
<v Speaker 2>emdr on the specific trigger points of that and being like,

0:47:34.719 --> 0:47:36.560
<v Speaker 2>oh my gosh, these are like the beliefs that I

0:47:36.600 --> 0:47:38.879
<v Speaker 2>had and grain when I was younger, of like being

0:47:38.920 --> 0:47:40.920
<v Speaker 2>a burden or making other people's lives harder that had

0:47:40.960 --> 0:47:43.120
<v Speaker 2>then come up later yourself again, Yeah, what to then

0:47:43.120 --> 0:47:45.359
<v Speaker 2>come up through Treasure Island and then having this moment

0:47:45.360 --> 0:47:48.319
<v Speaker 2>have been able to really nab that and acknowledge that

0:47:48.320 --> 0:47:51.360
<v Speaker 2>that was the thing that had happened. And it was

0:47:51.440 --> 0:47:54.480
<v Speaker 2>amazing how much faster I was able to kind of

0:47:54.520 --> 0:47:56.560
<v Speaker 2>come to terms with that belief because I chose to

0:47:56.560 --> 0:48:00.640
<v Speaker 2>speak about it than I did for the length of

0:48:00.680 --> 0:48:05.280
<v Speaker 2>time that I said nothing about what had happened overseas. Yeah,

0:48:05.320 --> 0:48:07.160
<v Speaker 2>And so I think, like, you know, it's a process

0:48:07.200 --> 0:48:11.160
<v Speaker 2>that you just are constantly learning and growing, and I'm

0:48:11.200 --> 0:48:14.239
<v Speaker 2>so I would never wish that experience on anyone. I

0:48:14.320 --> 0:48:16.840
<v Speaker 2>wish one hundred percent that it never happened, but I

0:48:16.960 --> 0:48:22.600
<v Speaker 2>learned some very important lessons. And I also think just

0:48:22.680 --> 0:48:27.319
<v Speaker 2>seeing the community and the people around me, like are

0:48:27.360 --> 0:48:31.560
<v Speaker 2>so so amazing, and I'm so thankful because I think

0:48:32.080 --> 0:48:33.680
<v Speaker 2>growing up the way that I did, you still believe

0:48:33.680 --> 0:48:35.480
<v Speaker 2>that everyone's going to leave you at some point, Like

0:48:35.560 --> 0:48:38.520
<v Speaker 2>that's just kind of is ingrained and it's really hard

0:48:38.520 --> 0:48:40.480
<v Speaker 2>to get rid of that. But I think it was

0:48:40.520 --> 0:48:43.160
<v Speaker 2>just so testament to like you've only known. I mean,

0:48:43.200 --> 0:48:48.880
<v Speaker 2>we've obviously had a rocky relationship podcast to say the least,

0:48:51.360 --> 0:48:53.799
<v Speaker 2>but we've stood the strength of time. Like it's been

0:48:53.840 --> 0:48:56.640
<v Speaker 2>so I actually, when I was doing the post this

0:48:56.719 --> 0:48:58.480
<v Speaker 2>morning with the photos and was thinking.

0:48:58.320 --> 0:48:59.840
<v Speaker 1>About I was like, my godsh we got connected like

0:49:00.040 --> 0:49:02.720
<v Speaker 1>sixteen years ago. We're so we're.

0:49:02.600 --> 0:49:04.719
<v Speaker 2>So well, yeah, it was ridiculous, but we've like really

0:49:04.800 --> 0:49:06.200
<v Speaker 2>we've come to the point now that we're such good

0:49:06.200 --> 0:49:08.400
<v Speaker 2>friends and being like, oh my gosh, this other belief

0:49:08.400 --> 0:49:11.719
<v Speaker 2>that I had isn't true. But in order for me

0:49:11.760 --> 0:49:15.120
<v Speaker 2>to see that, I had to be here. Absolutely yeah,

0:49:15.120 --> 0:49:17.400
<v Speaker 2>And I mean, I'm I'm thankful that I'm in a

0:49:17.400 --> 0:49:19.319
<v Speaker 2>position now where I feel like I can talk about

0:49:19.360 --> 0:49:21.600
<v Speaker 2>this and and.

0:49:21.640 --> 0:49:23.520
<v Speaker 1>Share it and been able to do so on my

0:49:23.520 --> 0:49:24.080
<v Speaker 1>own platform.

0:49:24.120 --> 0:49:27.839
<v Speaker 2>I think is really helpful because it means that it's

0:49:27.880 --> 0:49:32.080
<v Speaker 2>not kind of getting clickbaited out and whatever, but being

0:49:32.080 --> 0:49:34.400
<v Speaker 2>able to kind of have the ability to do that

0:49:34.480 --> 0:49:37.000
<v Speaker 2>and have this conversation, especially to do it with someone

0:49:37.000 --> 0:49:38.879
<v Speaker 2>who saw it firsthand.

0:49:39.280 --> 0:49:42.520
<v Speaker 1>Unfortunately, you saw it all with a breakup.

0:49:43.120 --> 0:49:44.880
<v Speaker 2>I saw it all people coming up to me when

0:49:44.880 --> 0:49:47.160
<v Speaker 2>we're at some event and the public breakup hading on public.

0:49:47.239 --> 0:49:49.319
<v Speaker 2>Yet people coming up to me asking like you really

0:49:49.360 --> 0:49:53.359
<v Speaker 2>saw it all, and yeah, now we get to sit

0:49:53.440 --> 0:49:57.480
<v Speaker 2>and chat from a place of you not freaking out.

0:49:57.640 --> 0:49:59.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I just want to come back to what you

0:49:59.440 --> 0:49:59.840
<v Speaker 1>were saying.

0:50:00.000 --> 0:50:02.360
<v Speaker 3>And you know this, this belief that people are going

0:50:02.400 --> 0:50:04.200
<v Speaker 3>to leave you, and I think joke's on you because

0:50:04.200 --> 0:50:06.480
<v Speaker 3>I think you know everyone in your life's sticking around.

0:50:06.520 --> 0:50:08.359
<v Speaker 3>I think you don't give yourself enough credit for how

0:50:08.360 --> 0:50:10.840
<v Speaker 3>amazing you are and what you bring to other people's

0:50:11.080 --> 0:50:12.399
<v Speaker 3>lives by being here.

0:50:12.560 --> 0:50:14.359
<v Speaker 1>And so I'm not I'm going to get a motion.

0:50:14.440 --> 0:50:17.120
<v Speaker 3>I'm going to cry again, but on behalf of myself

0:50:17.280 --> 0:50:19.480
<v Speaker 3>and the voice of FOKE community and everyone that's listening

0:50:19.520 --> 0:50:21.880
<v Speaker 3>to this podcast. Thank you for creating such an incredible

0:50:21.920 --> 0:50:25.440
<v Speaker 3>platform where you inspire other people, but also taking the

0:50:25.520 --> 0:50:29.440
<v Speaker 3>courage to speak about something that has been incredibly challenging

0:50:29.440 --> 0:50:33.160
<v Speaker 3>for you to navigate. Because I think it's tenstament, testament, marinate,

0:50:33.239 --> 0:50:37.440
<v Speaker 3>whatever the word is, our testament to your strength, but

0:50:37.560 --> 0:50:41.680
<v Speaker 3>also your your heart and your desire and your hope

0:50:42.880 --> 0:50:45.480
<v Speaker 3>and your belief that whatever you're going through you can

0:50:45.560 --> 0:50:47.480
<v Speaker 3>get through. And so I guess I hope that anyone

0:50:47.520 --> 0:50:49.880
<v Speaker 3>that's listening to this is reminded once again that the

0:50:49.920 --> 0:50:51.760
<v Speaker 3>world is a better place with the minute, as Jazz

0:50:51.800 --> 0:50:54.759
<v Speaker 3>always said, and that you know what you're going through

0:50:54.840 --> 0:50:57.640
<v Speaker 3>right now is something you can continue to heal from

0:50:57.920 --> 0:51:01.719
<v Speaker 3>and it's not your fault.

0:51:03.520 --> 0:51:07.319
<v Speaker 1>As we wrap up, just want to say to people that.

0:51:09.080 --> 0:51:13.640
<v Speaker 2>Are feeling the way that I felt, and feeling like

0:51:14.120 --> 0:51:15.520
<v Speaker 2>the world is going to be better with them in

0:51:15.520 --> 0:51:17.000
<v Speaker 2>all or that this pain's never going to.

0:51:17.120 --> 0:51:20.200
<v Speaker 1>End, It's just it's not true.

0:51:20.520 --> 0:51:24.120
<v Speaker 2>And as much as your situation and your mind and

0:51:24.600 --> 0:51:27.200
<v Speaker 2>everything around you might be making you feel that way,

0:51:27.440 --> 0:51:31.279
<v Speaker 2>your external reality, it's just so different to what you

0:51:31.400 --> 0:51:34.960
<v Speaker 2>internally are trying to believe. Our message that we always

0:51:35.000 --> 0:51:36.480
<v Speaker 2>say is that the world is better with you in it.

0:51:36.520 --> 0:51:38.319
<v Speaker 2>And I think that it's really hard to believe that

0:51:38.440 --> 0:51:40.840
<v Speaker 2>when you're in the middle of it. But the world

0:51:41.000 --> 0:51:43.359
<v Speaker 2>is so much better with you in it. And if

0:51:43.400 --> 0:51:46.360
<v Speaker 2>you can't believe that right now, someone else's world is

0:51:46.360 --> 0:51:49.120
<v Speaker 2>better because you exist. It's literally on the back of

0:51:49.160 --> 0:51:52.000
<v Speaker 2>my T shirt right now, my sweaty T shirt onto

0:51:52.040 --> 0:51:54.760
<v Speaker 2>these podcast lights. I can smell it from here, honestly,

0:51:54.760 --> 0:51:56.400
<v Speaker 2>probably can't you just smell me down the street.

0:51:57.000 --> 0:51:58.799
<v Speaker 1>That's not something that we just say so flippantly about

0:51:58.840 --> 0:51:59.080
<v Speaker 1>the world.

0:51:59.440 --> 0:52:02.000
<v Speaker 2>And I also, I think again the twelve billion reason

0:52:02.000 --> 0:52:05.240
<v Speaker 2>why I wanted to do this episode is for people

0:52:05.239 --> 0:52:06.880
<v Speaker 2>to understand the reason that we say that.

0:52:06.880 --> 0:52:08.279
<v Speaker 1>It's something that we wholeheartedly believe.

0:52:08.320 --> 0:52:10.279
<v Speaker 2>It's not just a term that we throw around or

0:52:10.640 --> 0:52:12.360
<v Speaker 2>that we're trying to use to make people feel better like.

0:52:12.520 --> 0:52:16.400
<v Speaker 2>It's the truth and every story that we get to

0:52:16.440 --> 0:52:19.279
<v Speaker 2>share through voices of hope, all the people that have

0:52:19.360 --> 0:52:22.759
<v Speaker 2>lived out their darkest moments and have seen light outside

0:52:22.760 --> 0:52:25.160
<v Speaker 2>of it in all different aspects, in all different ways

0:52:25.200 --> 0:52:28.200
<v Speaker 2>like recovery and light doesn't look like having this huge

0:52:28.200 --> 0:52:31.760
<v Speaker 2>platform or anything like remotely like that, but just waking

0:52:31.840 --> 0:52:34.600
<v Speaker 2>up and being excited for life again, or going out

0:52:34.600 --> 0:52:36.480
<v Speaker 2>and seeing the sunrise and being like wow, I'm so

0:52:36.600 --> 0:52:39.040
<v Speaker 2>And I had moments like that even when we were

0:52:39.080 --> 0:52:42.080
<v Speaker 2>at the Jonas Brothers and I was just sitting there

0:52:42.360 --> 0:52:44.560
<v Speaker 2>watching you live out your childhood dream and being like

0:52:45.239 --> 0:52:49.440
<v Speaker 2>I nearly missed this, like what. And I had the

0:52:49.520 --> 0:52:51.680
<v Speaker 2>same moment at the Pink concert. I was at the

0:52:51.680 --> 0:52:53.560
<v Speaker 2>Pink concert, and I think that's moment that we'll ever

0:52:53.600 --> 0:52:56.759
<v Speaker 2>be so ingrained in my brain. Was standing there as

0:52:56.840 --> 0:53:00.200
<v Speaker 2>Pink's just like flying around the stadium and looking up

0:53:00.239 --> 0:53:04.480
<v Speaker 2>and looking I just started crying. And I started crying

0:53:04.560 --> 0:53:09.040
<v Speaker 2>because I was like I'm here, like what.

0:53:10.040 --> 0:53:11.719
<v Speaker 1>And I just have those moments over and over and

0:53:11.760 --> 0:53:12.239
<v Speaker 1>over again.

0:53:12.280 --> 0:53:15.040
<v Speaker 2>And you will have those moments too, the people that

0:53:15.080 --> 0:53:16.840
<v Speaker 2>are listening to this, even if you don't feel like

0:53:16.840 --> 0:53:19.000
<v Speaker 2>it now, like you'll have a moment of like, oh

0:53:19.040 --> 0:53:20.320
<v Speaker 2>my gosh, I nearly missed this.

0:53:20.520 --> 0:53:22.320
<v Speaker 1>We have no idea what's to come, no.

0:53:22.280 --> 0:53:22.919
<v Speaker 2>Idea at all.

0:53:23.000 --> 0:53:24.920
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I didn't know this whole situation was about

0:53:24.920 --> 0:53:25.239
<v Speaker 1>to come.

0:53:25.360 --> 0:53:27.200
<v Speaker 2>But then there was more hope after that, and there

0:53:27.239 --> 0:53:29.719
<v Speaker 2>was more life after that and more experiences after that.

0:53:30.560 --> 0:53:33.799
<v Speaker 1>And the rollercoaster was wild. But I'm glad I stayed on.

0:53:34.120 --> 0:53:35.279
<v Speaker 1>I'm glad you stayed on too.

0:53:35.400 --> 0:53:39.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so thank you so much for coming on and

0:53:39.920 --> 0:53:42.319
<v Speaker 2>for having this conversation with me. I really thought long

0:53:42.360 --> 0:53:45.279
<v Speaker 2>and hard about how I wanted to have this conversation

0:53:45.400 --> 0:53:47.480
<v Speaker 2>and share about these stories, and I really couldn't think

0:53:47.480 --> 0:53:50.399
<v Speaker 2>of a better way to do it than then come

0:53:50.440 --> 0:53:53.520
<v Speaker 2>on and do this with you. You've been literally by

0:53:53.560 --> 0:53:56.640
<v Speaker 2>my side since I was the same height many years ago,

0:53:58.239 --> 0:54:00.520
<v Speaker 2>younger but social standing and standing on ust all at

0:54:00.560 --> 0:54:02.320
<v Speaker 2>the same time trying to get in the damn frame

0:54:02.400 --> 0:54:04.960
<v Speaker 2>with Jin. But no, I'm so thankful to be on

0:54:05.040 --> 0:54:07.440
<v Speaker 2>this journey with you, and I'm pretty sure you've been

0:54:07.440 --> 0:54:10.040
<v Speaker 2>on every season of this podcast, have honor.

0:54:10.200 --> 0:54:12.120
<v Speaker 1>This is a very different one and will be.

0:54:12.120 --> 0:54:14.040
<v Speaker 2>A very different episode, like I said to all of

0:54:14.040 --> 0:54:16.400
<v Speaker 2>the other episodes to come. But I do want to

0:54:16.440 --> 0:54:19.520
<v Speaker 2>say if anything in this episode has brought anything up

0:54:19.520 --> 0:54:22.239
<v Speaker 2>for you or has triggered anything for you. I know

0:54:22.360 --> 0:54:25.160
<v Speaker 2>I say this every episode every season, but it's because

0:54:25.160 --> 0:54:28.040
<v Speaker 2>it's so true that the bravest thing you can do,

0:54:28.160 --> 0:54:34.120
<v Speaker 2>as we've learned from my story today, is talk to someone, anyone.

0:54:34.760 --> 0:54:37.920
<v Speaker 1>And if you don't know where to go to helplines.

0:54:37.960 --> 0:54:39.760
<v Speaker 2>We've got a list of them on our website, Voices

0:54:39.760 --> 0:54:42.279
<v Speaker 2>of Hope, dot organ here, an altered or in New

0:54:42.360 --> 0:54:44.719
<v Speaker 2>Zealand ones even three seven, we've got youth Line. We've

0:54:44.760 --> 0:54:47.239
<v Speaker 2>got so many people that are available to talk to

0:54:47.239 --> 0:54:48.880
<v Speaker 2>you and been able to do that. Now is the

0:54:48.920 --> 0:54:51.680
<v Speaker 2>strongest and bravest thing that you can do, because help

0:54:52.080 --> 0:54:54.759
<v Speaker 2>unravel the things going on in your mind. And it's

0:54:54.760 --> 0:54:57.960
<v Speaker 2>such a cliche saying and problem problem shared is a

0:54:58.000 --> 0:55:00.680
<v Speaker 2>problem halved, But it's just as true. While that doesn't

0:55:00.680 --> 0:55:03.640
<v Speaker 2>make the problem go away, it does make you feel

0:55:03.680 --> 0:55:08.000
<v Speaker 2>less alone in it and everything that has happened that

0:55:08.080 --> 0:55:10.640
<v Speaker 2>may make you feel like a burden or that you

0:55:10.680 --> 0:55:12.760
<v Speaker 2>shouldn't be here, it's not your fault.

0:55:13.520 --> 0:55:15.120
<v Speaker 1>There is hope and there is light at the end

0:55:15.160 --> 0:55:15.640
<v Speaker 1>of the tunnel.

0:55:15.680 --> 0:55:18.480
<v Speaker 2>Please keep going and remember that in all things, hope

0:55:18.520 --> 0:55:20.360
<v Speaker 2>is real and change is possible.

0:55:20.480 --> 0:55:21.640
<v Speaker 1>I'll see you guys next week.