1
00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:03,080
Speaker 1: The ZM podcast network.

2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,760
Speaker 2: And so I did something that I wish I never did,

3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,680
Speaker 2: and that was just blocked it.

4
00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,319
Speaker 1: If you don't deal, it's gonna break you. It's gonna

5
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,119
Speaker 1: happen eventually.

6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,680
Speaker 2: And it would have been better for me to have

7
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,040
Speaker 2: done it when it happened rather than let it build.

8
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,680
Speaker 2: No matter what people say or the situation that you

9
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:24,119
Speaker 2: were in, that it's not your fault. Hi, guys, welcome

10
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,920
Speaker 2: to Hope It's Real Season three. I cannot believe I'm

11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,720
Speaker 2: even saying that. It's so crazy that I was able

12
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,680
Speaker 2: to do one season, let alone all three. It has

13
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:37,440
Speaker 2: been a wild adventure and I am so insanely excited

14
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,040
Speaker 2: for the season. We are sitting down with some phenomenal

15
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,960
Speaker 2: people from all around the world. We've got everyone from Bobrooks,

16
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:45,920
Speaker 2: from the Janoskians.

17
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,320
Speaker 1: If you're a millennial then you know that name.

18
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,919
Speaker 2: To just some phenomenal people that have lived through some

19
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,360
Speaker 2: crazy stories and come through the other side. And there's

20
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,400
Speaker 2: always this This podcast is designed to help you feel

21
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,920
Speaker 2: a little less alone, a bit more inspired, and as

22
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,280
Speaker 2: always a lot more hopeful. And I really think that

23
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,160
Speaker 2: season three is going to be a really big anchor

24
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,440
Speaker 2: for that and so I'm really looking forward to it,

25
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,440
Speaker 2: and for this very first episode, it's a bit of

26
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,280
Speaker 2: a special one and it's something that I've been wanting

27
00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:19,320
Speaker 2: to do for a long time but needed to find.

28
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,039
Speaker 1: The right time and the right space to do.

29
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,720
Speaker 2: So this episode is going to be a little bit different.

30
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,120
Speaker 2: I am going to basically be flipping the script and

31
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,160
Speaker 2: I have brought in someone that a lot of you

32
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,959
Speaker 2: will know. If you follow me on social media, i'll

33
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,640
Speaker 2: follow my story, you'll know Genevieve Moore. She's the co

34
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,120
Speaker 2: founder of Voices of Hope, one of my very good friends.

35
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,080
Speaker 2: And this episode, we're going to be talking about things

36
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,960
Speaker 2: that has happened for me over the last few years

37
00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:47,200
Speaker 2: that I have not yet talked about. And there's a

38
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,320
Speaker 2: lot of reasons that I didn't talk about it publicly

39
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,560
Speaker 2: when it happened. But it feels like the right time

40
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,800
Speaker 2: now to be able to do that, and to do

41
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,360
Speaker 2: so from the position that I'm in, from the perspective

42
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,840
Speaker 2: that I have. But it's not something that I wanted

43
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,160
Speaker 2: to do, just kind of talking at you all. And

44
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,760
Speaker 2: so Jen was kind of there through all of this

45
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,240
Speaker 2: and she saw it all firsthand. So I thought that

46
00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:11,800
Speaker 2: it'd be a good idea to bring her into this

47
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:15,519
Speaker 2: episode and have her basically, like I said, flip the

48
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,600
Speaker 2: script and she's going to be interviewing me. We're going

49
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,320
Speaker 2: to be more so just having a conversation. But I

50
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,440
Speaker 2: think it's just going to enable me to be able

51
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,520
Speaker 2: to talk about this rather than just talking straight to

52
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,799
Speaker 2: a mic into a camera. But talking to someone makes

53
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,080
Speaker 2: it a little bit easier. I will give a trigger

54
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,800
Speaker 2: warning here that this episode will talk about sexual assault

55
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,840
Speaker 2: and it will talk about suicidality, and so if that's

56
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,520
Speaker 2: something that you feel like you can't deal with at

57
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,280
Speaker 2: the moment, or that might really trigger you, please it's

58
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,160
Speaker 2: okay to pause this episode now, take care of yourself.

59
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,240
Speaker 2: You can come back to it later, not at all,

60
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:52,520
Speaker 2: It's fully up to you. I'm going to welcome Genevieve

61
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,680
Speaker 2: more welcome to Hope.

62
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:54,480
Speaker 1: It's a real the podcast.

63
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,400
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me, And honestly, I

64
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,480
Speaker 3: know we've been friends for a long time, and I

65
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,480
Speaker 3: feel really to be trusted in a safe place to

66
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,720
Speaker 3: hold this conversation because I know it's not an easy

67
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,840
Speaker 3: conversation for you to have, but I think it's so

68
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,560
Speaker 3: incredibly important and I know for a fact that unfortunately

69
00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:11,959
Speaker 3: a lot of your listeners are going to be able

70
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,800
Speaker 3: to relate to something that you're about to talk about.

71
00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:17,000
Speaker 3: So thank you, first of all for being brave. How

72
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:17,720
Speaker 3: are you feeling.

73
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,120
Speaker 1: I feel going to throw up.

74
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,880
Speaker 2: I feel so nervous, I think because I just I

75
00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:29,840
Speaker 2: haven't spoken about this publicly, but I just think so

76
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,680
Speaker 2: much of everything I've shared in my life has always

77
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,720
Speaker 2: been from the point of being so far out of

78
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,000
Speaker 2: it that I can I feel like I can talk

79
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,240
Speaker 2: about it almost attached, whereas this has been a lot

80
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:41,800
Speaker 2: more recent.

81
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,040
Speaker 1: But I feel like it's so important.

82
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,000
Speaker 2: So I feel ready and I feel honored to have

83
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,600
Speaker 2: a platform that I can have this conversation.

84
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,080
Speaker 1: But I am very.

85
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,160
Speaker 3: Nervous, understandably, and I think, like you said, you know

86
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,120
Speaker 3: you haven't rushed into this.

87
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,320
Speaker 1: It's been something you've been thinking about for a while.

88
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,600
Speaker 3: And I just know that people are going to be

89
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,960
Speaker 3: really grateful for the opportunity to listen to such a

90
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,160
Speaker 3: big part of your life. And I think you know,

91
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,920
Speaker 3: people will not be surprised to hear that over the

92
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,120
Speaker 3: last few years there's been some things going on behind

93
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,600
Speaker 3: the scenes, because I think in many ways you've alluded

94
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,760
Speaker 3: to some challenges that you've faced, and so to have

95
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,720
Speaker 3: the opportunity to dig deeper into it is something I'm

96
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,240
Speaker 3: again really grateful to be part of.

97
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,640
Speaker 1: So let's take it back to the beginning.

98
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,880
Speaker 3: Tell me from the get go, you had an experience,

99
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,120
Speaker 3: for lack of better word, while you were overseas that

100
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,240
Speaker 3: started a really really slippery slope for you.

101
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,680
Speaker 1: Yeah. So it was.

102
00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:39,599
Speaker 2: It was a few years ago, and I was in

103
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:44,080
Speaker 2: a different country and I ended up in a situation

104
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:50,920
Speaker 2: where I don't drink a lot, like giver at all.

105
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,320
Speaker 2: I could literally count on one hand the amount of

106
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,920
Speaker 2: times I've ever been drunk. It's just not something that

107
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,640
Speaker 2: I do. I don't like that feeling of losing control

108
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:03,719
Speaker 2: or anything. And there was one night that I was

109
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,120
Speaker 2: having like a couple of drinks with some people that

110
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:15,160
Speaker 2: I didn't know, and I remember I was being so

111
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:20,760
Speaker 2: careful about the amount that I was drinking because I'm

112
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:25,599
Speaker 2: such a lightweight because I don't drink, and I started

113
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:30,159
Speaker 2: to someone else started pouring my drinks, and I remember

114
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,560
Speaker 2: starting to feel really woozy and.

115
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,719
Speaker 1: Kind of I didn't really know what was going on, And.

116
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,799
Speaker 2: The night kind of went on and as the night continued,

117
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:48,200
Speaker 2: I just became more and more out of it, and

118
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:53,840
Speaker 2: that night I ended up being sexually assaulted again.

119
00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,400
Speaker 1: And I think, I think that the gain.

120
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:05,880
Speaker 2: Part is what's really hard, because it's it was. There

121
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,120
Speaker 2: was so much of like how did I end up

122
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,200
Speaker 2: back in this situation?

123
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,880
Speaker 1: And I remember.

124
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:19,000
Speaker 2: My brain was like I could I knew what was happening,

125
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,240
Speaker 2: but my body couldn't move and couldn't respond, and I

126
00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,560
Speaker 2: didn't know if I'd been roofeed or if something.

127
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,479
Speaker 1: I didn't know what was going on, but I couldn't

128
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:36,680
Speaker 1: move and it was so traumatizing as that is, but

129
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:37,960
Speaker 1: at this point.

130
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:44,200
Speaker 2: I was also so in the public eye, and yeah,

131
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:45,880
Speaker 2: I didn't know how to deal with it.

132
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,120
Speaker 1: I remember.

133
00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:53,120
Speaker 2: Like later that night, after I was by myself, I

134
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,320
Speaker 2: was in the bathroom just on the floor, like losing it.

135
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:05,040
Speaker 2: And at that time, like I wasn't on birth control

136
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,400
Speaker 2: or anything, and I remember having I was like crap,

137
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,400
Speaker 2: like I I don't know what to do, and so

138
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,239
Speaker 2: I ended up the next morning I messaged my doctor,

139
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,640
Speaker 2: who I do have a good relationship with that now

140
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,120
Speaker 2: not not doctor Stiff, it's it's the doctor that I

141
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:26,520
Speaker 2: now see, and almost like point blank just being like,

142
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,560
Speaker 2: this is what happened. I need to like, I don't

143
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,960
Speaker 2: know what to do, and she was like, we're going

144
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,320
Speaker 2: to get you the emergency peil. I was flying home

145
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,400
Speaker 2: that day, but I wasn't going to land in time

146
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,240
Speaker 2: to go to the pharmacy, so I had to get

147
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,440
Speaker 2: someone to go pick up the pill for me.

148
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:44,640
Speaker 1: But yeah, that's that's what happened.

149
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,360
Speaker 2: And there's obviously a lot more to the story and

150
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,400
Speaker 2: kind of the aftermath that we'll get into. But I

151
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,120
Speaker 2: had alluded a while ago that there was like a

152
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,880
Speaker 2: traumatic event that I went through, and I just remember

153
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:03,280
Speaker 2: the comments of people being so like, well, why would

154
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,600
Speaker 2: you say that and not like not tell us what

155
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,560
Speaker 2: it is and stuff, And it's because it was so

156
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,360
Speaker 2: hard for me to.

157
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,080
Speaker 1: Say I didn't at that time. I really hadn't processed it.

158
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,400
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, it's absolutely awful, and I think, like

159
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,880
Speaker 3: you said, almost retraumatizing. I think, you know, a lot

160
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,200
Speaker 3: of people, especially people who listen to this podcast, will

161
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,880
Speaker 3: have a really good understanding of your story and your

162
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,960
Speaker 3: experience and things that happened to you when you were younger.

163
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,880
Speaker 3: So I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that was

164
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,920
Speaker 3: to re experience things that had happened in the past,

165
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,840
Speaker 3: and in terms of you know, you talked about afterwards feeling,

166
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,360
Speaker 3: you know, shame, blame.

167
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,280
Speaker 1: You taught me through some of those sort of feelings

168
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:50,559
Speaker 1: and thoughts. I remember.

169
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,000
Speaker 2: There was a couple of people who were very close

170
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,040
Speaker 2: to me that I ended up telling that this is

171
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:58,760
Speaker 2: what had happened.

172
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,800
Speaker 1: And I remember sitting there and just I was a mess.

173
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,240
Speaker 2: I was crying and I said kind of similar to

174
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,920
Speaker 2: what I just said, of like I can't believe this

175
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,200
Speaker 2: happened again. And one of the people were like, what

176
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,160
Speaker 2: do you mean again, And I was like, I was

177
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:18,760
Speaker 2: sexually assaulted again. And this person just said, I don't

178
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,079
Speaker 2: know if you can call it that because you chose

179
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:27,920
Speaker 2: to drink no, and that as someone who like this

180
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,079
Speaker 2: person was so close to me, And I was like,

181
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,760
Speaker 2: I never wanted that to happen, and I know that,

182
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,280
Speaker 2: and the place of advocacy that I'm in, like, I

183
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,000
Speaker 2: know that that's not true, but hearing that from someone

184
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,959
Speaker 2: that I respected and that I loved broke me. And

185
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,559
Speaker 2: I remember I was on the phone to my theory Piston,

186
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,720
Speaker 2: just like losing it and then realizing I can't I

187
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:56,440
Speaker 2: can't deal with this because so many people are watching me.

188
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:00,319
Speaker 2: This is going to break me. And so I did

189
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,400
Speaker 2: something that I wish I never did, and that was

190
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,079
Speaker 2: just blocked it. I went on with my life pretended

191
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,440
Speaker 2: it never happened. And in my mind, if I did that,

192
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,240
Speaker 2: then it would mean that I wouldn't have to feel

193
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,440
Speaker 2: everything attached to it or experience it. And so I

194
00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:19,680
Speaker 2: just pretended that everything was fine and that it never happened.

195
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:24,079
Speaker 3: Yeah, and we know that that's not a problem solving namism.

196
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,240
Speaker 1: No, And I know that now, like I think you

197
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,000
Speaker 1: knew that then. I knew that then, and.

198
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:33,840
Speaker 2: I still I still did it because I just I

199
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,080
Speaker 2: don't I can't even explain it, just that I didn't

200
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,640
Speaker 2: see any like I Actually I was talking to my

201
00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:46,600
Speaker 2: therapist not too long ago, and we were doing MA therapy,

202
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,000
Speaker 2: which has been life changing and it's so wild how

203
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,600
Speaker 2: it even works. I can't even comprehend it. But she

204
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,480
Speaker 2: was saying that she realized that I have this massive

205
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,480
Speaker 2: tendency to block sadness as an emotion, and that if

206
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,560
Speaker 2: I get remoly feeling sad about something in my own life,

207
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:07,520
Speaker 2: I will block it because previously those emotions have led

208
00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,040
Speaker 2: to me not wanting to be here. And so I

209
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,960
Speaker 2: think when this was happening and there was still so

210
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,800
Speaker 2: many eyes on me and I was still having to

211
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,760
Speaker 2: do so much work and all this kind.

212
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,800
Speaker 1: Of stuff, that I just I didn't want to feel

213
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,400
Speaker 1: these emotions.

214
00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:23,720
Speaker 2: I was so scared of what it was going to do,

215
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,160
Speaker 2: where it was going to lead, that I was like,

216
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,520
Speaker 2: I just have to block it. I can't let it in, know,

217
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,320
Speaker 2: But obviously it didn't didn't work.

218
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,800
Speaker 3: No, absolutely not, And like you said, you know, you

219
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,320
Speaker 3: know that now and you know that then, But it

220
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,720
Speaker 3: almost just shows how deep the trauma was. And I think,

221
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,600
Speaker 3: you know, we tell people all the time through our

222
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,240
Speaker 3: work the importance of speaking up and sharing what's going on.

223
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,720
Speaker 3: So I can't begin to imagine how invalidating it was

224
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:49,080
Speaker 3: to share something that you felt so shameful of which

225
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,760
Speaker 3: you shouldn't because it wasn't your fault.

226
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:52,520
Speaker 1: To then be.

227
00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:55,960
Speaker 3: Told that it was your fault for the lack of

228
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,560
Speaker 3: better words, you know, and it most definitely wasn't, but

229
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:03,000
Speaker 3: that just adds that shame burden, and I imagine made

230
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,240
Speaker 3: sharing that with anyone else perhaps more difficult.

231
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,400
Speaker 1: I don't think I did.

232
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,199
Speaker 2: I can't actually remember when I told you it was

233
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,679
Speaker 2: a while after, yeah, because I was just so like

234
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,520
Speaker 2: I was just like, well, that's what everyone's going to think.

235
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,480
Speaker 2: And I think that's also what silenced me, was that

236
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,160
Speaker 2: I was like, everyone's going to think that, and it's

237
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:28,280
Speaker 2: so it's so wild because I like, I think I

238
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:33,280
Speaker 2: was drinking gin and I had three with the tiniest

239
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,400
Speaker 2: like I don't.

240
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,600
Speaker 1: Even like the taste of alcohol.

241
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,240
Speaker 2: Like that's why I was like, I'm so sure that

242
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,080
Speaker 2: I was like something went in my drink or where

243
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,680
Speaker 2: someone was poor, but I it was not a feeling that.

244
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,080
Speaker 1: I had felt before.

245
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,920
Speaker 2: But I still because someone said that that shame and

246
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:55,680
Speaker 2: like that I did something wrong here, which I think

247
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,400
Speaker 2: is really important for me to admit that that's how

248
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:03,760
Speaker 2: I was feeling because becaus me as an advocate who

249
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,280
Speaker 2: shares these stories, a lot of people just think, you know,

250
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,800
Speaker 2: have it all together, or like you go through something

251
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,679
Speaker 2: like that and then you just immediately like I didn't

252
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:18,280
Speaker 2: know how to come back from that, and so bearing

253
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:22,560
Speaker 2: it seemed like the best option because if everyone else

254
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,840
Speaker 2: thinks the same thing of me, like, then it's just

255
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:28,080
Speaker 2: gonna solidify these beliefs that I now have that it

256
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,960
Speaker 2: was my fault and that there was something wrong with

257
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,320
Speaker 2: me and that I let that happen.

258
00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,640
Speaker 1: And yeah, I think.

259
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,360
Speaker 3: There's also that added like complexity for you, like you said,

260
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,280
Speaker 3: having such a presence on social media and being an

261
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,439
Speaker 3: advocate for mental health that, like you said, everything has

262
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,040
Speaker 3: to be perfect. And so when you started alluding to

263
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,440
Speaker 3: the fact that something had happened but not giving detail

264
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,440
Speaker 3: because you weren't ready, which is absolutely understandable and fine,

265
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,960
Speaker 3: the backlash or the feedback from people would only have

266
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,679
Speaker 3: added to that pain that you were feeling.

267
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I was really struggling with it

268
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,520
Speaker 2: because the reason that I even chose to allude to it,

269
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,120
Speaker 2: which people will be like, well, why would you say

270
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,199
Speaker 2: it if you weren't ready to.

271
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:04,800
Speaker 1: Talk about it.

272
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,600
Speaker 2: But at that time, it was post Trees Riilan, which

273
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,000
Speaker 2: we're going to talk about soon anyway. But it was

274
00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:14,440
Speaker 2: my way of trying to tell people, You've got no

275
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:16,960
Speaker 2: idea what's going behind on going on behind the scenes

276
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,600
Speaker 2: when you're saying these horrific things to people on social media.

277
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:23,440
Speaker 2: And I was getting crazy messages like you don't know,

278
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,360
Speaker 2: you think you know what you see on a screen,

279
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,960
Speaker 2: You've got no idea. So That's what I was trying

280
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,840
Speaker 2: to allude to and kind of show people without telling

281
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:31,680
Speaker 2: everyone what it was.

282
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,440
Speaker 1: But then people win at me for that as well.

283
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,360
Speaker 3: But you also can't win because if you had switched

284
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,600
Speaker 3: off from social media, We've seen it time and time again.

285
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,600
Speaker 3: You know, when you were on CCI and weren't able

286
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,800
Speaker 3: to be on your phone, people start thinking the worst

287
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,440
Speaker 3: and wonder where the heck you are. So you in

288
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,800
Speaker 3: some ways had to give somewhat of an explanation. And

289
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,800
Speaker 3: it's entirely in your right to share what you want

290
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,960
Speaker 3: to share on your social platforms. Yeah, why now, why

291
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,880
Speaker 3: have you decided to talk about this now?

292
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,160
Speaker 2: I've been doing a lot of therapy and I think

293
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:03,480
Speaker 2: that I feel I'm in a much better place now,

294
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Speaker 2: and I feel like there's just so much things that

295
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,440
Speaker 2: I learned from it that I think it's really important

296
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,120
Speaker 2: for people to.

297
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,560
Speaker 1: Know that they're not alone in it, and that.

298
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,960
Speaker 2: Going through something like that and not responding the way

299
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:23,440
Speaker 2: that you think you should is normal, and also to

300
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,280
Speaker 2: say that blocking it out doesn't work. Like everything that

301
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,000
Speaker 2: I learned in that process, and the reason I want

302
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,400
Speaker 2: to talk about it is so that people might be

303
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:37,320
Speaker 2: able to learn that faster than I did, because it

304
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,800
Speaker 2: just doesn't like it gets to a point where it

305
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:44,280
Speaker 2: eventually comes up and it explodes, and that's what happened

306
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,720
Speaker 2: with me. And I think that for people to understand

307
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,680
Speaker 2: that they're not alone in that, but also to know

308
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,080
Speaker 2: talking about it is the best thing. That it's not

309
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,160
Speaker 2: your fault, That no matter what people say or the

310
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,280
Speaker 2: situation that you were.

311
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,640
Speaker 1: In, that it's not your fault. And that I think

312
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:00,600
Speaker 1: that whole.

313
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,560
Speaker 2: Kind of idea and perception of when you go through

314
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:09,160
Speaker 2: something like that, that you feel like you did something

315
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,040
Speaker 2: wrong or that this is something that only happens to

316
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,720
Speaker 2: me to understand like I'm literally an advocate, like this is

317
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,200
Speaker 2: what I'm known for and it happened to me.

318
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 1: Again, that it can happen to anyway and it should never.

319
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:25,360
Speaker 2: It should never, but that it's yeah, like like you've

320
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,520
Speaker 2: just said, and like I know to my core now

321
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,040
Speaker 2: that it wasn't my fault and it's not the people

322
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:30,800
Speaker 2: that have gone through this.

323
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:31,640
Speaker 1: It's not your fault.

324
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,840
Speaker 3: No, But I think what comes with that is a

325
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,840
Speaker 3: lot of stigma and lack of understanding, which again is

326
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,200
Speaker 3: so good that you're sharing this now that you feel

327
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,520
Speaker 3: ready to you know, obviously that was an incredibly traumatic incident,

328
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,120
Speaker 3: and I imagine something you continue to work through in

329
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,480
Speaker 3: many ways, because, like I mentioned, and you've said, I

330
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:53,280
Speaker 3: imagine it retriggered some things from your past. What would

331
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,560
Speaker 3: you say to that version of jazz, you know, if

332
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,840
Speaker 3: you go back to that I don't know that next morning,

333
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,280
Speaker 3: when it was all very freeh.

334
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:13,200
Speaker 2: Wsh, I would say, talk to someone now, don't wait

335
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,479
Speaker 2: and everything that we've just been saying, that this isn't

336
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:23,639
Speaker 2: your fault. And I think, with the foresight that I

337
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,399
Speaker 2: now have of everything that happened and unraveled, like the

338
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,760
Speaker 2: thing I felt I needed to do to survive at

339
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,520
Speaker 2: that time was to block it out. But it didn't

340
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,440
Speaker 2: do what I was hoping it would do. That find

341
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:43,719
Speaker 2: the right people to talk to. But yeah, Like I'm

342
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:47,119
Speaker 2: such a visual person and I often struggle with that

343
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,960
Speaker 2: in therapy that if I have a flashbout, like a

344
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,959
Speaker 2: memory of something, I see it really vividly, And I

345
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,520
Speaker 2: still can see myself on that bathroom floor just losing it,

346
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,399
Speaker 2: Like it's so vivid and all of the emotions and

347
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:04,159
Speaker 2: everything that came with it. But shat that girl on

348
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:09,880
Speaker 2: the floor, she survived it. She survived the aftermath and

349
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,120
Speaker 2: it's going to be so hard. But also it's another thing,

350
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:18,800
Speaker 2: I guess to help people feel this alone.

351
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't have to go through something

352
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,000
Speaker 3: like that to be able to help people. No, the

353
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,040
Speaker 3: fact that chosen to she's a lot about you and

354
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:30,680
Speaker 3: you're incredibly resilient. So you know, like we said, this

355
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,680
Speaker 3: was a little while ago now, but it's still fresh

356
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,000
Speaker 3: and you're still navigating things. I think there were a

357
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,480
Speaker 3: few other things, you know, throughout the time, in the

358
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,320
Speaker 3: years gone that have made things, you know, tricky in

359
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,199
Speaker 3: different ways, and I really want to talk about some

360
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,720
Speaker 3: of those moments too, more specifically your time on CTI

361
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,560
Speaker 3: and how that impacted your mental health because Jazz, it

362
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,760
Speaker 3: was the first time in a long time that I

363
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:01,080
Speaker 3: was incredibly worried about your safety. And I know there

364
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,720
Speaker 3: were a lot of other people out there because doctor

365
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,160
Speaker 3: Steph and I were in text comms and all someone

366
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,000
Speaker 3: had been checking in on you. You know it. It

367
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,920
Speaker 3: was a terrifying thing to see as a friend and

368
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 3: as someone that loves you.

369
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,320
Speaker 1: Can we talk about that.

370
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's two pieces too that there's what

371
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,639
Speaker 2: happened when I was filming the show and then the

372
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,280
Speaker 2: aftermath of it, and what you're referring to is the

373
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:28,399
Speaker 2: aftermath and the what I what I will say is

374
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:33,639
Speaker 2: that during the filming was the very first time that

375
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,440
Speaker 2: I didn't have the distractions that I had had outside

376
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,160
Speaker 2: of the island with my phone and kind of everything else,

377
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,280
Speaker 2: like the business, and it was the first time that

378
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,040
Speaker 2: I was forced to face what had happened to me,

379
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,320
Speaker 2: and so in and of itself, that experience was so

380
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,480
Speaker 2: kind of tied to that where I couldn't really escape it.

381
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,440
Speaker 2: And at night that's what I was kind of getting

382
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,040
Speaker 2: splashbacks and it kind of all it all came crashing

383
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 2: on me. So that was really difficult. But then as

384
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:03,440
Speaker 2: the show was airing, there was a kind of storyline

385
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 2: that was put out that did not happen, that said

386
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:12,199
Speaker 2: that I was threatening people with a social with my

387
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,160
Speaker 2: social media people, which which is actually so stupid when

388
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,680
Speaker 2: you think about it, like it's just.

389
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 1: Not like one hundred.

390
00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:20,680
Speaker 2: There was a conversation of like, if anything happens, let

391
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 2: me know, like this is you know, people on social media.

392
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,760
Speaker 1: It's a different ballgame, like it's wild.

393
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:30,040
Speaker 2: But I mean, because there had been all of the

394
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,359
Speaker 2: stuff going on behind the scenes where I was forced

395
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,000
Speaker 2: to face what had happened. I had just gone through

396
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,040
Speaker 2: a breakup, which was also tied to like there was

397
00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:46,440
Speaker 2: so much stuff that I already felt so much self hatred,

398
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:50,080
Speaker 2: to be honest, and then you see, like.

399
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,639
Speaker 1: I remember the day.

400
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,000
Speaker 2: That the episode aired, I was sitting at my friend

401
00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,520
Speaker 2: Jane's house and she basically had to take my phone

402
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,439
Speaker 2: off me because I turned it and I just started

403
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:06,359
Speaker 2: to see these comments and these messages just coming through

404
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:12,919
Speaker 2: of horrific, Like it was so it was so horrific.

405
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,680
Speaker 1: You were terrified. I remember that. I mean, it's nerve wracking.

406
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 3: I imagine seeing yourself on TV, let alone seeing yourself

407
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:23,919
Speaker 3: on TV and then seeing the public responding in a

408
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,640
Speaker 3: way that's really unkind yep.

409
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 2: And I remember my therapist saying that in that time,

410
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:34,080
Speaker 2: like because I already was so significantly struggling, which no

411
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:36,680
Speaker 2: one knew, no one knew, no, no one knew at all,

412
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,920
Speaker 2: and she was like, oh, you were, like, what has

413
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 2: happened is all of these people that are saying these

414
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 2: things to you, it is solidifying and confirming these beliefs

415
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,760
Speaker 2: that you already have. So you've been looking for evidence

416
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,400
Speaker 2: of it, and now suddenly it felt like the whole

417
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,240
Speaker 2: world just tend to turned against me. And I remember

418
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,960
Speaker 2: having to get on a plane the next morning and

419
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:54,959
Speaker 2: fly straight to Sydney.

420
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,600
Speaker 1: I mean, I was at the airport. Someone came up

421
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 1: to me and.

422
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,239
Speaker 2: Was like, you effing bitch to my face, and I

423
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,479
Speaker 2: was like, so I taken off guard and was like,

424
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:06,560
Speaker 2: what is going on? And then being away from everyone

425
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,879
Speaker 2: as well, and having to get up and speak.

426
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:09,879
Speaker 1: It was so hard.

427
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 2: But it was the first time in years that I

428
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 2: did not want to be here anymore. And I remember

429
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:30,640
Speaker 2: getting to the point, which is so so hard to admit,

430
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,840
Speaker 2: especially now knowing the life that I do have and

431
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,399
Speaker 2: the people that are so phenomenal in our community, but

432
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,080
Speaker 2: getting to the point that I rewrote my will and

433
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,359
Speaker 2: I wrote out letters for the first time in years,

434
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:49,719
Speaker 2: and like, just doing that was so I just remember

435
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:55,320
Speaker 2: being like, how did I end up here again? And

436
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,520
Speaker 2: everything I was seeing was just how much everyone hated me,

437
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,800
Speaker 2: and I hated myself, like it was horrible.

438
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:07,000
Speaker 1: But I remember sitting in my therapist's office.

439
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 2: And this was the day after I had rewrote my

440
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,879
Speaker 2: well and done all these things, and I remember you

441
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,040
Speaker 2: had sent a message that came through in the middle

442
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:25,360
Speaker 2: of therapy, and it was another advocate in the space

443
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 2: who had taken their own life. And I literally just

444
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 2: remember your words. You were like, this is so insanely sad.

445
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 2: I can't imagine everyone that found hope in his story

446
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 2: how they massed feel And I just read that and

447
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:46,960
Speaker 2: immediately snapped back and was like, oh.

448
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:51,480
Speaker 1: My god, like I could. I think I was really.

449
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:56,320
Speaker 2: Hard to see the hundreds of thousands, the millions people

450
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,119
Speaker 2: that support and are so there when all you're seeing

451
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,440
Speaker 2: is this horrible star. And I was like, well, ever,

452
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 2: like it's a perfect time to go, right. I feel

453
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:07,480
Speaker 2: like I'm canceled anyway. And people have to understand that

454
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 2: was a result of so many things, including this assault

455
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 2: that it happened.

456
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 1: There was just so much stuff.

457
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,399
Speaker 2: But then I was just had this turning moment, and

458
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,760
Speaker 2: I remember sitting there with my therapist and being like,

459
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 2: look at this thing. Jen just messaged me and she

460
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,720
Speaker 2: just looked at me and was like, and that's so crazy,

461
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,520
Speaker 2: because like I haven't heard that. And I also I

462
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,080
Speaker 2: had no idea where you were sitting in that moment

463
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,160
Speaker 2: and where you were at with your mental health. Well Yeah,

464
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 2: you didn't know what was going on at that To

465
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 2: that extent, I knew things weren't good because the way

466
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 2: you'd been communicating or lack of communication, had been very

467
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 2: very clear, and obviously there was people in your life

468
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:48,160
Speaker 2: that were checking in, and you know, I was hearing

469
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,120
Speaker 2: things from other people, but.

470
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 3: I didn't know in that moment how dire things were.

471
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,960
Speaker 3: And I hope in any way that didn't provide any

472
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,960
Speaker 3: sort of what's the word the way I worded things.

473
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 3: You don't want to feel like it's all your responsibility,

474
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 3: But I think you know what I was trying to

475
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 3: say in that moment, without realizing where you were in

476
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,200
Speaker 3: your own journey, is that you know so many people

477
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,879
Speaker 3: are inspired by you and look up to you and

478
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 3: love you all parts of you, not just the healthy,

479
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 3: thriving jazz, but the jazz that struggling and need some support.

480
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 3: And I just want to come back to those messages quickly,

481
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 3: because I've seen some of them.

482
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 1: I can think of one email in.

483
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,199
Speaker 3: Particular, think of the worst thing you could say to

484
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 3: a human being, and times that by ten it was

485
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:36,640
Speaker 3: the most vile, disgusting, horrific, should be illegal, probably is illegal.

486
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,360
Speaker 3: Piece of writing I've ever seen in my life, and

487
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,720
Speaker 3: so I can't begin to imagine the effect that had

488
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 3: on you. And I think what we were really trying

489
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 3: to do those in your support network. We're sharing messages

490
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,960
Speaker 3: that had been really positive. But I can understand that

491
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 3: when you're getting you know, lots of positive messages, but

492
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 3: also many as awful as this, but that's all you

493
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 3: focus on.

494
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 1: I think I really just felt like I had let people.

495
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 2: Down, and that I had let all those people that

496
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:08,640
Speaker 2: do support us down. And I think, I mean, I

497
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:13,680
Speaker 2: think I've struggled for so long anyway too, like the

498
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 2: guilt of the fact that I am still here and

499
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,240
Speaker 2: so many people aren't and who said I could do

500
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,439
Speaker 2: this and be this for like why why me?

501
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 1: Like why? And I struggle with that for so long.

502
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:31,040
Speaker 2: And I think that it's so normal for humans to

503
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,639
Speaker 2: focus on those negative things, Like you can see a

504
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,160
Speaker 2: hundred good comments and you'll focus on that one bad thing,

505
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 2: or like interactions with people and people are saying, you know,

506
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 2: you notice on that one thing that you said wrong,

507
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,359
Speaker 2: and you're like just marinate on that for so long.

508
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:48,680
Speaker 1: It's marinate, that's probably and that you're just like you'll

509
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,919
Speaker 1: think about it and you will like. And so I

510
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,640
Speaker 1: think that's what was happening, was that.

511
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 2: I had all these beliefs and these things that had

512
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,679
Speaker 2: built up, and then no one that was sending me

513
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 2: these messages or these comment It's new the battle that

514
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,399
Speaker 2: I was facing. And I think that is another reason

515
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:10,359
Speaker 2: why I wanted to share the story now, is that

516
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 2: social media and bullying is such a huge thing, Oh

517
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,960
Speaker 2: my goodness, and I mean there are websites dedicated to

518
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:22,719
Speaker 2: bullying people on social media and it's disgusting. And I

519
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:26,880
Speaker 2: think that people just need to be so freaking aware

520
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,119
Speaker 2: that you have no idea.

521
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: As much as you think that you know, you've got.

522
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,400
Speaker 2: No idea what's going on behind the scenes, but even

523
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,159
Speaker 2: with your friends and like the people in your life,

524
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,960
Speaker 2: you've got no idea what people are facing. And kindness

525
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,600
Speaker 2: will always overall that, but you've also got no idea

526
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,159
Speaker 2: when the thing you say is going to be the

527
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 2: tipping point, which you know, some of those comments and

528
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 2: messages that I got were a huge part of that,

529
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 2: and I felt that the gravity of that situation. But

530
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,359
Speaker 2: I do remember, and I feel like I'm just quoting

531
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:02,200
Speaker 2: my therapist, right and Cinder here she's great, she's great,

532
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 2: Chatasha her recently, but she was saying because I was

533
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,160
Speaker 2: expressing that, I was like, I can't believe I've ended

534
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,080
Speaker 2: up here again, like this is this is so scary,

535
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,439
Speaker 2: and she was very scared for me as well, but

536
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 2: was just so phenomenal and was like, you, you need

537
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,800
Speaker 2: to understand that these feelings are the same, but your

538
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 2: response is different. Huge like it feels and it didn't

539
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,159
Speaker 2: feel different because I was writing the leaders and I

540
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,560
Speaker 2: was doing the things, but this time I was still

541
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,239
Speaker 2: asking like I was speaking up earlier. And there were

542
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 2: times I didn't want to go to her office and

543
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 2: she would have to drag my ass there because I

544
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 2: would be like, no, not today, but every single time

545
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 2: I went, and that was also an active choice that

546
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 2: I had to make, where she could drag me as

547
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 2: much as she wanted to. But at the end of

548
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,160
Speaker 2: the day, like I had to remember who and what

549
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 2: I was fighting for, the same things I did so

550
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 2: many years ago were tools that I had that I

551
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 2: had to kick back in and I wasn't in the

552
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 2: same position.

553
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 1: It was different, but also it made sense, and I think.

554
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 2: That's what really helped was understanding that my response and

555
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 2: my behavior, it made sense, like considering everything that I happened,

556
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,280
Speaker 2: and that had been my default for so long. I

557
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 2: didn't know how to feel these emotions and experience them

558
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 2: without not wanting to be here. And we had a

559
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 2: few like quite big breakthrough moments where I was just

560
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 2: sitting in her office.

561
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: And lot absolutely lost it. And then after.

562
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 2: Twenty minutes I was like like.

563
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 1: Oh my, and I was just like whoa, what happens?

564
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 2: And she was like, you can feel these things and

565
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to push you over the edge, like

566
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,719
Speaker 2: it's okay, and I was like whoom like and obviously

567
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,480
Speaker 2: that's like guys every time, but realizing that it ebbs

568
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 2: and flows, and just because I feel it doesn't mean

569
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be stuck in it forever, which is what

570
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 2: I'd always been so afraid of, not even.

571
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 1: Realizing that's what I was so afraid of.

572
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 3: It's almost about learning to sit in that really uncomfortable

573
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 3: obviously with that support around it.

574
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 4: But you speak about all the time all the time,

575
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 4: but it's hard, and like you said, if you're if

576
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,680
Speaker 4: your history is shown that you know you struggle to

577
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:02,560
Speaker 4: do that, of course that's going to be the way

578
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 4: things go.

579
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 3: But I think you know what you've also realized through

580
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 3: this process, which is something I also say all the time,

581
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 3: is people can only help you with the information you

582
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 3: give them. So you choosing to bottle up and be

583
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 3: quiet and not share, which yes, might have been something

584
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 3: many people would do for one reason or another, ultimately

585
00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 3: didn't help you.

586
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:21,080
Speaker 1: In the end.

587
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 3: It was when you opened up and you said I

588
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 3: need help, I'm not okay. That's when the change started

589
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 3: to happen.

590
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's so important for people to

591
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 2: understand that on so many levels. But I think the

592
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 2: reason even for me coming forward for it now is

593
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,120
Speaker 2: that I think that's what a lot of people who

594
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 2: might be in high impact jobs or like parents, or

595
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 2: are living these busy lifestyles where you.

596
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 1: Just think, I don't have time.

597
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 2: And that's kind of how I felt as well, was like,

598
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,520
Speaker 2: I literally I don't have time to break.

599
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: But unfortunately that's gone. If you don't deal, it's gonna

600
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: break you.

601
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 2: It's gonna happen eventually, And it would have been better

602
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 2: for me to have done it when it happened, rather

603
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 2: than let it build and build and build and build.

604
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: And then get to the point where I'm writing a

605
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: will again.

606
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 2: That should have never happened, but it did, and I think,

607
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:11,480
Speaker 2: you know, giving myself that.

608
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 1: I handled it.

609
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 2: What I thought was the thing that was going to

610
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 2: keep me here, but obviously my way of handling it

611
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 2: was also the thing that nearly took me out right.

612
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 2: And so yeah, learning that whole thing if people can

613
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 2: only help you with the information you give them, and

614
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 2: having those conversations, and I was able to one of

615
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 2: the most incredible people through this was someone who I

616
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 2: won't name her on this because she'll be she hates

617
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 2: any sort of recognition for anything. But my old supervisor, yes,

618
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 2: who just phenomenal and was really good at kind of

619
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 2: combating the comments that were said. But that only happened

620
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 2: when I shit them shared it. Otherwise it was just

621
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,560
Speaker 2: this one sided perspective that I had of like, this

622
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 2: is your fault. But when I was able to talk

623
00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 2: to someone else and explain it and they were able

624
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 2: to be like no, I was like, oh my gosh.

625
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,800
Speaker 3: It was one heck of a journey being I guess

626
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 3: a support person in your life and a friend. And

627
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:15,200
Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you've the garden or you're deep

628
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 3: in that healing process. But where are you now? How

629
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 3: have you got from there?

630
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 2: The therapy has been a big thing, but I think

631
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 2: really just going back to my why and my purpose,

632
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 2: which I've always been so strong on anyway, as to

633
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 2: why we do this and the people that we get

634
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 2: to impact. And I think what was so hard in

635
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:38,720
Speaker 2: that time was that until I made my statement, all

636
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 2: I saw was the negative stuff. And so I think

637
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 2: what can often happen in a country like this that's

638
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 2: so tiny is that you then feel like the entire

639
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 2: world hates you. And I think it didn't help going

640
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,720
Speaker 2: to the airport and having that person come up to

641
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,840
Speaker 2: my face and say that, because then you do feel

642
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 2: like physically everyone is against you, but that's just not

643
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 2: the case.

644
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: And I think being able to.

645
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:03,920
Speaker 2: Go through the process of feeling the emotions and riding

646
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 2: it out as hot freaking was and then realizing like

647
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 2: I'm okay and going back. I had to do so

648
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 2: many speaking events in the middle of this, and it

649
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 2: was so freaking hard, and I remember having to do

650
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 2: a schools tour. We were at a school and it

651
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 2: was so hard. But then I was like, I gave

652
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 2: you an hour. I was like, we can cancel it,

653
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,840
Speaker 2: and then seeing all of these kids and being like

654
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 2: that's why, like this is why, and this is so

655
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 2: much bigger than me. But in order to do this,

656
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 2: I have to put myself first and I have to

657
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 2: do the hard yards. And I don't think I did

658
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 2: like work like properly for months, which I will say

659
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 2: as a privilege to be in a position to be

660
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:45,680
Speaker 2: able to do that.

661
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 1: And to be able to just like, but you didn't

662
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:50,000
Speaker 1: have capacity.

663
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 2: I had zero capacity to do anything other than no,

664
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 2: I couldn't get out of a beard half of the time,

665
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 2: Like I was literally like I like, I don't know

666
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 2: how to function. And but and that's when I got

667
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 2: put being on anti depressants from this as well, which

668
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 2: was also a huge thing because then I was like,

669
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:09,359
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I'm going back and mailed everyone. Yeah,

670
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 2: and then my friend Jane was like, girl, like, it's

671
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 2: literally the same as you needing to get like midsphere

672
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,960
Speaker 2: physical health, like you're fine, and I was like, yeah,

673
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,440
Speaker 2: I know, and I know this, like I literally preach this,

674
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 2: and I think that's been That's also why I wanted

675
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:27,640
Speaker 2: to share the story and be like I still like

676
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 2: people often will put us on this pedastool of like,

677
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 2: and we've often been like, oh my gosh, like if

678
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 2: we've had to get to the back to the point

679
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 2: of being put in a psych wood, which by like

680
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 2: I was.

681
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 1: Like, oh no, no, like, don't put me back there,

682
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: don't do it.

683
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,280
Speaker 2: But I was probably quite close, and there's.

684
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with needing that help.

685
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:49,319
Speaker 2: But I think having the ability to go in and

686
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:52,879
Speaker 2: just be open and honest and having a therapist who

687
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,000
Speaker 2: I trust with my life, which has been huge because

688
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 2: I've never had that before. I've never had someone that

689
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 2: I've clicked with like, and that has just been like

690
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:04,880
Speaker 2: I've felt safe enough to kind of just be like,

691
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:09,320
Speaker 2: this is all of me, here's everything, and it's.

692
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:12,400
Speaker 1: Been really it was really really helpful. And also I

693
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:13,640
Speaker 1: mean my dog.

694
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:17,160
Speaker 2: Was a big distraction, lived belly who was crapping everywhere

695
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 2: and I having to clean up at two am. But

696
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,879
Speaker 2: I think going back to those basics and not being

697
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 2: afraid to go back to them and being like, Okay,

698
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 2: this is right now, this is about keeping me here.

699
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:29,239
Speaker 2: And then after that it was like, Okay, now it's

700
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,640
Speaker 2: about fighting to get out of this mindset, and it's

701
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 2: about rerealizing the mission the purpose, and also that I

702
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:39,920
Speaker 2: would still I think what's been a really big thing

703
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,400
Speaker 2: and a really hard thing is that for me, and

704
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 2: I think for both of us. But I know for me,

705
00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:47,799
Speaker 2: this blew up so fast, and I felt like ever

706
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:49,480
Speaker 2: since I when I went to film school, I've been

707
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:53,000
Speaker 2: on this trajectory that just never so it just kept going.

708
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 2: And I think it's really easy to not to not

709
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,680
Speaker 2: that I lost myself, but I think that you begin

710
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 2: to not know who you are without all of this,

711
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 2: all the stuff that's going on and the crazy busy work,

712
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 2: and I think people often find that even in the

713
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,080
Speaker 2: normal jobs, like but also not being given the space

714
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,360
Speaker 2: to process confront things.

715
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:11,319
Speaker 1: What also happened to.

716
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,240
Speaker 2: Just be And so I think being able to step

717
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 2: back and be like, I'm like, I'm loved without this

718
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 2: and that's really it's a really like it could be

719
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 2: confusing people to hear, but I think I understand now

720
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 2: and I'm nowhere on the scale of these people, but

721
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:31,759
Speaker 2: I understand how actuabal celebrities can get to the point

722
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 2: when you have thousands of people every day telling you

723
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 2: how much they love you, but they don't know you,

724
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 2: and then you know, it's so hard to be like,

725
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 2: but you don't, you don't know me, and then you

726
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,239
Speaker 2: think that maybe people only love you for the things

727
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:46,759
Speaker 2: that you do, but not who you are. And so

728
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,560
Speaker 2: I think having your identity being wrapped up, and so

729
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:54,520
Speaker 2: I think you're having that space to just know who

730
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 2: I am and know that I could be okay with

731
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:05,040
Speaker 2: all without doing the stuff, and I could step away.

732
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 1: I won't because I love it so much.

733
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,759
Speaker 2: And every single person that we get to meet, which

734
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,600
Speaker 2: is we get so many, so many people, and I

735
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,800
Speaker 2: think on our last tour, I probably hugged like a

736
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,839
Speaker 2: thousand of you, Like there is sootal evidence, so many

737
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 2: out but every time, like I'm such a hugger and

738
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,279
Speaker 2: just being able to do that, I'm like, this is

739
00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:25,839
Speaker 2: this is the why and so and I've always been

740
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,719
Speaker 2: so big one, like it's really hard to fight if we.

741
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 1: Don't know what you're fighting for.

742
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,279
Speaker 2: And I was so lucky that I've had the perspective

743
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,960
Speaker 2: of knowing what it was to be healed and that

744
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,799
Speaker 2: unfortunately I just had to do the process again and

745
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,520
Speaker 2: I probably will have to do the process again. But

746
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,560
Speaker 2: we've always been so aware of this being a potential right.

747
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 2: We've had these discussions of like, it's the same, not

748
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,839
Speaker 2: I want to compare it, but like, for example, someone

749
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:54,279
Speaker 2: with cancer, they go into remission and even if they

750
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,399
Speaker 2: get fully clear, there's still a chance that that will

751
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 2: come back.

752
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,280
Speaker 1: You've disposed to it, if that's something right world.

753
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,040
Speaker 2: And it's the same thing this where I'm like, I've

754
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:04,080
Speaker 2: been aware that this could be something that could come

755
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 2: up again, but it's about being pre armed with that,

756
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 2: and I think I just wasn't at the time, and

757
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,319
Speaker 2: everything kind of took me off guard, and I just

758
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 2: let it derail me.

759
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,680
Speaker 1: You needed to read your own book. I did. I

760
00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:20,000
Speaker 1: probably should have. I really should have literally have a

761
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,439
Speaker 1: tool book. I know I haven't.

762
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 2: I literally even read that sin side of the audiobook

763
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,320
Speaker 2: Slip Sick Brain Struggles.

764
00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:28,080
Speaker 3: But it's such a valid point. You know, We've had

765
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:30,400
Speaker 3: multiple conversations. I can remember one in particular. I think

766
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,360
Speaker 3: I was on the phone to you and I was

767
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,840
Speaker 3: at my parents' house and we were talking what was

768
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 3: in person, but about the fact that there's almost this pressure,

769
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:40,640
Speaker 3: like you've said multiple times, to be perfect for lack

770
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 3: of a better word, as mental health advocates who talk

771
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,960
Speaker 3: about hope and talk about freedom and how you know,

772
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 3: great life is that we can't have moments of pain

773
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:53,040
Speaker 3: and struggle. But actually that's not realistic. No, we're still

774
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,279
Speaker 3: human beings. And I think that's another reason why it's

775
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 3: so important that you've shared this part of yourself, because

776
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:02,760
Speaker 3: it humanizes you. It actually makes the realities of facing

777
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 3: into health challenges more normal.

778
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:11,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I've really noticed that, probably honestly, over

779
00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,040
Speaker 2: the last couple of years of I always was trying

780
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 2: so hard to make sure I was always speaking from

781
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:18,479
Speaker 2: the point of hope. And I think that's just because

782
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 2: it's what I was always missing in my life for

783
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 2: all of my struggles, that I wanted to make sure

784
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:26,319
Speaker 2: that that was something that I did. And I think

785
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 2: that at times that came across as this perfect life,

786
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:35,320
Speaker 2: which is just never been the reality. And there's always

787
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,480
Speaker 2: so much going on behind the scenes that people don't see.

788
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:41,759
Speaker 2: And I think being able to have these conversations and

789
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 2: I think I called you wanting to do this like

790
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 2: six months ago, yeah, but being unsure as to how

791
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,560
Speaker 2: and when and how do I do this conversation, but

792
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 2: knowing that the people that are in our community or

793
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,720
Speaker 2: people that are listening to this, or people that follow

794
00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:01,440
Speaker 2: us online who maybe were doing really well and then

795
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:05,520
Speaker 2: dipped again to be like that it happens, Okay, it happens.

796
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 2: It's okay, We're all in this together. And there were

797
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 2: times in that moment, in that kind of period for me,

798
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 2: where I could not see my way out. And I

799
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,759
Speaker 2: think that's where I was so strongly reminded of the

800
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:22,160
Speaker 2: need for community and communication and TI who we go

801
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 2: on tour with whoft and say like communication is one

802
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:27,200
Speaker 2: of the most important things in life, Like if you

803
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,319
Speaker 2: don't know how to communicate, no one knows what's going on.

804
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 2: And I almost lost all communications schools. I literally stopped.

805
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:35,960
Speaker 1: Replying to people, But how would people know what was

806
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,399
Speaker 1: going on then? And been able to let people in?

807
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,800
Speaker 2: And I think I was just afraid of people seeing

808
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,919
Speaker 2: my mess and seeing me like that, because, like I said,

809
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 2: I felt like I had failed and that I had

810
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,399
Speaker 2: failed the people that had trusted us, and I had

811
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 2: failed the people that followed us, and I had failed

812
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,279
Speaker 2: the people that were closest to me. And so my

813
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 2: way to deal with that was to just block everyone out.

814
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:02,839
Speaker 1: And do you know what you've probably done.

815
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,600
Speaker 3: You've probably actually validated a lot of people's experiences through

816
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,239
Speaker 3: sharing this and made them feel of it heck of

817
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 3: a lot less alone, but also given them hope that,

818
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 3: you know, one of the common things will here is

819
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 3: this narrative around I've had a relapse or a blip

820
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 3: in the road, or I've you know, gone through something

821
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,920
Speaker 3: you know again and now I've failed, I'm back to

822
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:23,920
Speaker 3: square one. But reality is, like you've said, you know,

823
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 3: you went through something again that you never should have,

824
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 3: but this time you had more tools and skills and

825
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 3: probably resilience to overcome that, even in the moments it

826
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:33,319
Speaker 3: didn't feel like it.

827
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:37,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's the whole thing of not realizing your

828
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 2: own strength. And I think that a big thing that

829
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,040
Speaker 2: I have always tried to focus on, especially with the

830
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,680
Speaker 2: amount of people that will come up to us and

831
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 2: be like you saved my life, as putting that power

832
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 2: back in their hands and going all we did was

833
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,239
Speaker 2: say hey, there's another option, like you were the one

834
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 2: that's did all the hard work to stay. And I

835
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 2: think for myself and all of those moments having to

836
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,080
Speaker 2: go back and be like Jazz like that when that

837
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,800
Speaker 2: you've been through this last time, it wasn't all because

838
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:05,439
Speaker 2: my relationships have changed and people around me have changed,

839
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 2: like so much has changed, but the one thing that

840
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:12,640
Speaker 2: hasn't changed is me. And I thought it last time

841
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,520
Speaker 2: and it wasn't anyone else that got me through it

842
00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:16,520
Speaker 2: at the end of the day. Other things helped one

843
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,840
Speaker 2: hundred percent, but I had to do it. And I

844
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 2: think that that related so much to this time. Where

845
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:28,919
Speaker 2: as much as it felt so similar, I didn't act

846
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 2: like I obviously started to do the process of it,

847
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 2: but I think I did the process knowing I wouldn't

848
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 2: actually do it.

849
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: I don't think at any point in time. I mean,

850
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,399
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think I could say for sure.

851
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:44,160
Speaker 2: And I think you know, because of my ADHD and

852
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 2: the impulsivity as well, like there was definitely a chance.

853
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,959
Speaker 3: But you were able to intervene. Yeah, I think that

854
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:49,800
Speaker 3: before it.

855
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:53,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, something more Yeah, and been able to then identify

856
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,680
Speaker 2: it and look at in the face, whereas twelve year

857
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:58,640
Speaker 2: old Jazz absolutely didn't have no she would have run already.

858
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,480
Speaker 2: And I think after you sent me that message and

859
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:04,320
Speaker 2: I was in therapy, I made a commitment that I

860
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 2: was like, there's no way, like I will not as

861
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,560
Speaker 2: much as I want to, it's not happening. I'm not

862
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:13,640
Speaker 2: gonna I refuse, and it was such a game changer,

863
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,440
Speaker 2: and it's like, I feel so horrif it to even

864
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,319
Speaker 2: talk about it like that, because that was such a

865
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:23,360
Speaker 2: horrific situation that happened and the loss of this beautiful

866
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 2: life which should have never happened. And I think I

867
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 2: could have had the same realization without that. I think

868
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:32,480
Speaker 2: it was just the message of in the time, how

869
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,680
Speaker 2: many the timing and the message of how many people

870
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 2: that have found hope.

871
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:37,920
Speaker 1: And it wasn't it wasn't a guilt.

872
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,800
Speaker 2: Thing, but it was a realization of like the impact

873
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 2: that I've been able to have and the privilege that

874
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 2: I've had in the platform that people have given me,

875
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,520
Speaker 2: and the trust, yeah, the trust and to the inn

876
00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:53,440
Speaker 2: And I think it's important like that everything I was

877
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,200
Speaker 2: feeling at that time was justified and it was so

878
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:58,400
Speaker 2: and it was so hard, but I had a responsibility

879
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 2: to to fight through it that I could have this

880
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 2: conversation so that I could say, like it's possible to

881
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 2: do it all over again, and it's so hard and

882
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:09,920
Speaker 2: it's so draining when you're like I'm back here again,

883
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:13,799
Speaker 2: Like hard did I hand up here again? But it

884
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:15,840
Speaker 2: is like what you said, giving that grace to yourself

885
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 2: and going like jazz like this was horrific, And there

886
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 2: were so many other things in my life that had

887
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:23,319
Speaker 2: fallen apart at the time, and obviously I went through

888
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:27,759
Speaker 2: a very public breakup, which was kind of and to

889
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:30,520
Speaker 2: weave with what had happened overseas as well. When I

890
00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 2: began to realize like I was really struggling with physically anyway.

891
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 1: I had a smilar thing.

892
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 2: Even when I was on Dancing with the Stars, I

893
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:39,680
Speaker 2: kind of realized that like when my partner Brad, who

894
00:44:39,719 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 2: was so he were so great with me and would

895
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 2: have to like be super close to me and I

896
00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:45,399
Speaker 2: would freak out.

897
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:46,279
Speaker 1: I just thought it.

898
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 2: I was like, uh, like there's a video of I

899
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:49,880
Speaker 2: had to put my hand on his chest for something,

900
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:51,360
Speaker 2: and literally it was supposed to be like that, and

901
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,359
Speaker 2: I just had like claws out, like I don't want

902
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:56,680
Speaker 2: to touch you. And so even that kind of carried through.

903
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:58,840
Speaker 2: And I don't know what people know this, but that

904
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,719
Speaker 2: was my second relationship. My first one was actually also

905
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:03,239
Speaker 2: when I was in the public eye, but I'd never

906
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:05,359
Speaker 2: posted about it, so no one even knew about it.

907
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:07,600
Speaker 1: And that didn't last very long.

908
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:10,840
Speaker 2: And then yeah, I have my my ex was my

909
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 2: secondary relationship, and having that public and then having the breakup,

910
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:15,960
Speaker 2: which also then had to be public because people were

911
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,040
Speaker 2: coming up to me on the street and being and

912
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 2: this was all like around idtrs. You were getting messages

913
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 2: like there was just so much happening that people didn't know.

914
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:26,680
Speaker 2: And I could have been honest about it when it

915
00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:29,920
Speaker 2: was happening one hundred percent, But I also I was

916
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:34,080
Speaker 2: aware of the position that I have and the responsibility

917
00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:35,560
Speaker 2: that I have that I didn't want to free people

918
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:37,719
Speaker 2: out in the fact that people would freak out if

919
00:45:37,760 --> 00:45:39,560
Speaker 2: I'm off social media for like three days and they

920
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:42,600
Speaker 2: think that I've you know, done something or something's happened

921
00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:48,160
Speaker 2: where it's like okay, it's like yeah, I don't even.

922
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:50,560
Speaker 3: Well, no, if you shared at that time where you'd

923
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:52,719
Speaker 3: be going against everything. We sort of talk about the

924
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 3: importance of going through you know, that healing before because

925
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,120
Speaker 3: you can't rush that process. That's not to say, ef

926
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,000
Speaker 3: yone's going to go and share this story publicly after

927
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 3: they go through something traumatic or challenging, but you know,

928
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 3: you had to give yourself that time.

929
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:09,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's also important to acknowledge, like

930
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 2: it's a never ending journey I think in regards to

931
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:15,800
Speaker 2: like learning and seeing beliefs that come up, and even

932
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 2: like recently with this crazy stalker situation that had burned,

933
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 2: which was absolutely bonkers.

934
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:24,080
Speaker 1: It's been a big episode. I know, this is so much.

935
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: I mean, this is so much. Update you a lot.

936
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: It's just so crazy.

937
00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,120
Speaker 2: But the reason I wanted to bring this up was that, obviously,

938
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 2: for those of you who haven't seen it, basically man

939
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,960
Speaker 2: fluid from the Netherlands, man sending scary messages, man found

940
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:40,279
Speaker 2: my house. I had the criminal forensic behavior specialists from

941
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:42,200
Speaker 2: the police contact me and be like, here's what to do,

942
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:46,120
Speaker 2: worst case scenario. But what I recally know, I don't

943
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:47,680
Speaker 2: even know if I've talked about talk to you about this,

944
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:49,120
Speaker 2: But it was another thing that kind of came up

945
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:51,319
Speaker 2: that made me go, man, this is a forever kind

946
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 2: of going journey where obviously I was terrified for my

947
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:58,400
Speaker 2: life in that time, but what was more scary for

948
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:00,640
Speaker 2: me was me going, oh my gosh, I've put everyone

949
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:02,680
Speaker 2: else that are closest to me in this position where

950
00:47:02,719 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 2: everyone is at.

951
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 1: Risk of being hurt, and that was so hard to acknowledge.

952
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 2: By what was so I think has been so how

953
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:15,840
Speaker 2: do I don't even know how to word this, But

954
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:19,600
Speaker 2: because of what I went through with the assault, the

955
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:21,439
Speaker 2: way I dealt with it, and that I didn't talk

956
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:25,080
Speaker 2: about it, I went got my ass straight back into

957
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 2: therapy as this happened, and I thought it was literally

958
00:47:28,120 --> 00:47:29,879
Speaker 2: like two days later me and my therapists were doing

959
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:34,680
Speaker 2: emdr on the specific trigger points of that and being like,

960
00:47:34,719 --> 00:47:36,560
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, these are like the beliefs that I

961
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,879
Speaker 2: had and grain when I was younger, of like being

962
00:47:38,920 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 2: a burden or making other people's lives harder that had

963
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:43,120
Speaker 2: then come up later yourself again, Yeah, what to then

964
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:45,359
Speaker 2: come up through Treasure Island and then having this moment

965
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,319
Speaker 2: have been able to really nab that and acknowledge that

966
00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:51,360
Speaker 2: that was the thing that had happened. And it was

967
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 2: amazing how much faster I was able to kind of

968
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:56,560
Speaker 2: come to terms with that belief because I chose to

969
00:47:56,560 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 2: speak about it than I did for the length of

970
00:48:00,680 --> 00:48:05,280
Speaker 2: time that I said nothing about what had happened overseas. Yeah,

971
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:07,160
Speaker 2: And so I think, like, you know, it's a process

972
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 2: that you just are constantly learning and growing, and I'm

973
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:14,239
Speaker 2: so I would never wish that experience on anyone. I

974
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 2: wish one hundred percent that it never happened, but I

975
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 2: learned some very important lessons. And I also think just

976
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:27,319
Speaker 2: seeing the community and the people around me, like are

977
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 2: so so amazing, and I'm so thankful because I think

978
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:33,680
Speaker 2: growing up the way that I did, you still believe

979
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 2: that everyone's going to leave you at some point, Like

980
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,520
Speaker 2: that's just kind of is ingrained and it's really hard

981
00:48:38,520 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 2: to get rid of that. But I think it was

982
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,160
Speaker 2: just so testament to like you've only known. I mean,

983
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:48,880
Speaker 2: we've obviously had a rocky relationship podcast to say the least,

984
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,799
Speaker 2: but we've stood the strength of time. Like it's been

985
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:56,640
Speaker 2: so I actually, when I was doing the post this

986
00:48:56,719 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 2: morning with the photos and was thinking.

987
00:48:58,320 --> 00:48:59,840
Speaker 1: About I was like, my godsh we got connected like

988
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:02,720
Speaker 1: sixteen years ago. We're so we're.

989
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 2: So well, yeah, it was ridiculous, but we've like really

990
00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:06,200
Speaker 2: we've come to the point now that we're such good

991
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 2: friends and being like, oh my gosh, this other belief

992
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:11,719
Speaker 2: that I had isn't true. But in order for me

993
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 2: to see that, I had to be here. Absolutely yeah,

994
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:17,400
Speaker 2: And I mean, I'm I'm thankful that I'm in a

995
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,319
Speaker 2: position now where I feel like I can talk about

996
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:21,600
Speaker 2: this and and.

997
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: Share it and been able to do so on my

998
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:24,080
Speaker 1: own platform.

999
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:27,839
Speaker 2: I think is really helpful because it means that it's

1000
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:32,080
Speaker 2: not kind of getting clickbaited out and whatever, but being

1001
00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:34,400
Speaker 2: able to kind of have the ability to do that

1002
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,000
Speaker 2: and have this conversation, especially to do it with someone

1003
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,879
Speaker 2: who saw it firsthand.

1004
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:42,520
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, you saw it all with a breakup.

1005
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 2: I saw it all people coming up to me when

1006
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 2: we're at some event and the public breakup hading on public.

1007
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:49,319
Speaker 2: Yet people coming up to me asking like you really

1008
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:53,359
Speaker 2: saw it all, and yeah, now we get to sit

1009
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:57,480
Speaker 2: and chat from a place of you not freaking out.

1010
00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just want to come back to what you

1011
00:49:59,440 --> 00:49:59,840
Speaker 1: were saying.

1012
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,360
Speaker 3: And you know this, this belief that people are going

1013
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 3: to leave you, and I think joke's on you because

1014
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 3: I think you know everyone in your life's sticking around.

1015
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:08,359
Speaker 3: I think you don't give yourself enough credit for how

1016
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:10,840
Speaker 3: amazing you are and what you bring to other people's

1017
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:12,399
Speaker 3: lives by being here.

1018
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:14,359
Speaker 1: And so I'm not I'm going to get a motion.

1019
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:17,120
Speaker 3: I'm going to cry again, but on behalf of myself

1020
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:19,480
Speaker 3: and the voice of FOKE community and everyone that's listening

1021
00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 3: to this podcast. Thank you for creating such an incredible

1022
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:25,440
Speaker 3: platform where you inspire other people, but also taking the

1023
00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:29,440
Speaker 3: courage to speak about something that has been incredibly challenging

1024
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:33,160
Speaker 3: for you to navigate. Because I think it's tenstament, testament, marinate,

1025
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:37,440
Speaker 3: whatever the word is, our testament to your strength, but

1026
00:50:37,560 --> 00:50:41,680
Speaker 3: also your your heart and your desire and your hope

1027
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:45,480
Speaker 3: and your belief that whatever you're going through you can

1028
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:47,480
Speaker 3: get through. And so I guess I hope that anyone

1029
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:49,880
Speaker 3: that's listening to this is reminded once again that the

1030
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,760
Speaker 3: world is a better place with the minute, as Jazz

1031
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:54,759
Speaker 3: always said, and that you know what you're going through

1032
00:50:54,840 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 3: right now is something you can continue to heal from

1033
00:50:57,920 --> 00:51:01,719
Speaker 3: and it's not your fault.

1034
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:07,319
Speaker 1: As we wrap up, just want to say to people that.

1035
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:13,640
Speaker 2: Are feeling the way that I felt, and feeling like

1036
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:15,520
Speaker 2: the world is going to be better with them in

1037
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 2: all or that this pain's never going to.

1038
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:20,200
Speaker 1: End, It's just it's not true.

1039
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:24,120
Speaker 2: And as much as your situation and your mind and

1040
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 2: everything around you might be making you feel that way,

1041
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:31,279
Speaker 2: your external reality, it's just so different to what you

1042
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:34,960
Speaker 2: internally are trying to believe. Our message that we always

1043
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 2: say is that the world is better with you in it.

1044
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:38,319
Speaker 2: And I think that it's really hard to believe that

1045
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:40,840
Speaker 2: when you're in the middle of it. But the world

1046
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:43,359
Speaker 2: is so much better with you in it. And if

1047
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:46,360
Speaker 2: you can't believe that right now, someone else's world is

1048
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:49,120
Speaker 2: better because you exist. It's literally on the back of

1049
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:52,000
Speaker 2: my T shirt right now, my sweaty T shirt onto

1050
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:54,760
Speaker 2: these podcast lights. I can smell it from here, honestly,

1051
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:56,400
Speaker 2: probably can't you just smell me down the street.

1052
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:58,799
Speaker 1: That's not something that we just say so flippantly about

1053
00:51:58,840 --> 00:51:59,080
Speaker 1: the world.

1054
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:02,000
Speaker 2: And I also, I think again the twelve billion reason

1055
00:52:02,000 --> 00:52:05,240
Speaker 2: why I wanted to do this episode is for people

1056
00:52:05,239 --> 00:52:06,880
Speaker 2: to understand the reason that we say that.

1057
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:08,279
Speaker 1: It's something that we wholeheartedly believe.

1058
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:10,279
Speaker 2: It's not just a term that we throw around or

1059
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:12,360
Speaker 2: that we're trying to use to make people feel better like.

1060
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:16,400
Speaker 2: It's the truth and every story that we get to

1061
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,279
Speaker 2: share through voices of hope, all the people that have

1062
00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 2: lived out their darkest moments and have seen light outside

1063
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,160
Speaker 2: of it in all different aspects, in all different ways

1064
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:28,200
Speaker 2: like recovery and light doesn't look like having this huge

1065
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:31,760
Speaker 2: platform or anything like remotely like that, but just waking

1066
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 2: up and being excited for life again, or going out

1067
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:36,480
Speaker 2: and seeing the sunrise and being like wow, I'm so

1068
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:39,040
Speaker 2: And I had moments like that even when we were

1069
00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:42,080
Speaker 2: at the Jonas Brothers and I was just sitting there

1070
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 2: watching you live out your childhood dream and being like

1071
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:49,440
Speaker 2: I nearly missed this, like what. And I had the

1072
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 2: same moment at the Pink concert. I was at the

1073
00:52:51,680 --> 00:52:53,560
Speaker 2: Pink concert, and I think that's moment that we'll ever

1074
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:56,759
Speaker 2: be so ingrained in my brain. Was standing there as

1075
00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,200
Speaker 2: Pink's just like flying around the stadium and looking up

1076
00:53:00,239 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 2: and looking I just started crying. And I started crying

1077
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:09,040
Speaker 2: because I was like I'm here, like what.

1078
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:11,719
Speaker 1: And I just have those moments over and over and

1079
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:12,239
Speaker 1: over again.

1080
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 2: And you will have those moments too, the people that

1081
00:53:15,080 --> 00:53:16,840
Speaker 2: are listening to this, even if you don't feel like

1082
00:53:16,840 --> 00:53:19,000
Speaker 2: it now, like you'll have a moment of like, oh

1083
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:20,320
Speaker 2: my gosh, I nearly missed this.

1084
00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,320
Speaker 1: We have no idea what's to come, no.

1085
00:53:22,280 --> 00:53:22,919
Speaker 2: Idea at all.

1086
00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:24,920
Speaker 1: I mean, I didn't know this whole situation was about

1087
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:25,239
Speaker 1: to come.

1088
00:53:25,360 --> 00:53:27,200
Speaker 2: But then there was more hope after that, and there

1089
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:29,719
Speaker 2: was more life after that and more experiences after that.

1090
00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:33,799
Speaker 1: And the rollercoaster was wild. But I'm glad I stayed on.

1091
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:35,279
Speaker 1: I'm glad you stayed on too.

1092
00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, so thank you so much for coming on and

1093
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:42,319
Speaker 2: for having this conversation with me. I really thought long

1094
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:45,279
Speaker 2: and hard about how I wanted to have this conversation

1095
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:47,480
Speaker 2: and share about these stories, and I really couldn't think

1096
00:53:47,480 --> 00:53:50,399
Speaker 2: of a better way to do it than then come

1097
00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:53,520
Speaker 2: on and do this with you. You've been literally by

1098
00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:56,640
Speaker 2: my side since I was the same height many years ago,

1099
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:00,520
Speaker 2: younger but social standing and standing on ust all at

1100
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,320
Speaker 2: the same time trying to get in the damn frame

1101
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,960
Speaker 2: with Jin. But no, I'm so thankful to be on

1102
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 2: this journey with you, and I'm pretty sure you've been

1103
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:10,040
Speaker 2: on every season of this podcast, have honor.

1104
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:12,120
Speaker 1: This is a very different one and will be.

1105
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:14,040
Speaker 2: A very different episode, like I said to all of

1106
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:16,400
Speaker 2: the other episodes to come. But I do want to

1107
00:54:16,440 --> 00:54:19,520
Speaker 2: say if anything in this episode has brought anything up

1108
00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:22,239
Speaker 2: for you or has triggered anything for you. I know

1109
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:25,160
Speaker 2: I say this every episode every season, but it's because

1110
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:28,040
Speaker 2: it's so true that the bravest thing you can do,

1111
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:34,120
Speaker 2: as we've learned from my story today, is talk to someone, anyone.

1112
00:54:34,760 --> 00:54:37,920
Speaker 1: And if you don't know where to go to helplines.

1113
00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:39,760
Speaker 2: We've got a list of them on our website, Voices

1114
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,279
Speaker 2: of Hope, dot organ here, an altered or in New

1115
00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:44,719
Speaker 2: Zealand ones even three seven, we've got youth Line. We've

1116
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,239
Speaker 2: got so many people that are available to talk to

1117
00:54:47,239 --> 00:54:48,880
Speaker 2: you and been able to do that. Now is the

1118
00:54:48,920 --> 00:54:51,680
Speaker 2: strongest and bravest thing that you can do, because help

1119
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:54,759
Speaker 2: unravel the things going on in your mind. And it's

1120
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,960
Speaker 2: such a cliche saying and problem problem shared is a

1121
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:00,680
Speaker 2: problem halved, But it's just as true. While that doesn't

1122
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:03,640
Speaker 2: make the problem go away, it does make you feel

1123
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:08,000
Speaker 2: less alone in it and everything that has happened that

1124
00:55:08,080 --> 00:55:10,640
Speaker 2: may make you feel like a burden or that you

1125
00:55:10,680 --> 00:55:12,760
Speaker 2: shouldn't be here, it's not your fault.

1126
00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:15,120
Speaker 1: There is hope and there is light at the end

1127
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:15,640
Speaker 1: of the tunnel.

1128
00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:18,480
Speaker 2: Please keep going and remember that in all things, hope

1129
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:20,360
Speaker 2: is real and change is possible.

1130
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:21,640
Speaker 1: I'll see you guys next week.