WEBVTT - Dougal Sutherland: What should you do when your child makes negative comments about themselves? 0:00:05.761 --> 0:00:09.441 You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks 0:00:09.641 --> 0:00:13.881 Being Gone. 0:00:36.361 --> 0:00:39.481 He's welcome back. This is the Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beverage. 0:00:39.521 --> 0:00:40.961 And by the way, if you've missed any of the 0:00:40.961 --> 0:00:42.841 previous hours you want to go check him out, go 0:00:42.921 --> 0:00:46.801 look for the week In Collective where podcasts I suggest iHeartRadio. 0:00:46.881 --> 0:00:49.561 But this is the Parents Squad. We want your calls 0:00:49.561 --> 0:00:52.841 one ten eighty in text on nine two nine two. 0:00:53.481 --> 0:00:57.161 And my guest today is Google Sutherland, who sort of 0:00:57.161 --> 0:01:01.281 needs no introduction, but he is. How do we bill you? 0:01:02.201 --> 0:01:04.321 Was going to get this right? At Google? You're a 0:01:04.361 --> 0:01:07.161 psychologist with the umbrella. 0:01:07.001 --> 0:01:09.121 The umbrella group, Umbrella Wellbeing. 0:01:09.321 --> 0:01:13.041 That's the one umbrella wellbeing? And how are you keep on? 0:01:14.161 --> 0:01:17.681 I'm exhausted today. I've been manning the White Elephants Stall 0:01:17.721 --> 0:01:21.481 at the Saint Michael's Church here in Kelbourne, and I've 0:01:21.481 --> 0:01:24.681 been blogging off things that nobody really need, all for 0:01:24.721 --> 0:01:25.361 a good cause. 0:01:25.561 --> 0:01:27.681 Really, the White Elephants what do they call it, the 0:01:27.681 --> 0:01:28.601 White Elephant Stall. 0:01:29.041 --> 0:01:30.921 I don't know where that name comes from, but it's 0:01:30.961 --> 0:01:33.521 selling off all those things that you know, nobody else 0:01:33.561 --> 0:01:37.761 really wants, like you know, an electric knife, and a 0:01:38.601 --> 0:01:43.841 lower and you know, an old an old chilibin. But 0:01:43.961 --> 0:01:45.441 you know it's good fun. 0:01:45.481 --> 0:01:48.161 But all you sold them, so obviously it's not completely 0:01:48.241 --> 0:01:51.561 useless because people there's always a buyer, isn't there. 0:01:51.841 --> 0:01:54.361 Well, well, people don't know they need these things until 0:01:54.361 --> 0:01:56.601 they approach our stool, you see, and then that's when 0:01:56.641 --> 0:01:58.681 you see those things and you go, gosh, I'd really 0:01:58.761 --> 0:02:01.441 like not only one electric knife, but two electric knives 0:02:01.441 --> 0:02:02.321 would be the thing for me. 0:02:02.521 --> 0:02:04.121 Did you sell to electric knives today? 0:02:04.521 --> 0:02:06.641 I sold two electric knives draws at the same person, 0:02:06.681 --> 0:02:07.961 which was quite unusual. 0:02:08.001 --> 0:02:12.561 Actually, the electric knife that's very nineteen nineties, isn't it. 0:02:12.561 --> 0:02:12.801 It is. 0:02:13.881 --> 0:02:15.401 I think we've got one in the drawer. So I 0:02:15.441 --> 0:02:17.561 think every New Zealand household has probably got one some 0:02:18.481 --> 0:02:20.921 hidden away in a drawer somewhere that they haven't usual when. 0:02:20.761 --> 0:02:23.561 They're working, they're quite good and ours, basically we just 0:02:23.641 --> 0:02:26.561 burnt it out and threw it away and just bought 0:02:26.681 --> 0:02:28.161 a good old fashioned knife. 0:02:30.641 --> 0:02:33.401 Away as fun. Isn't an electrical equipment like that? It's 0:02:33.401 --> 0:02:35.441 always good fun to use if you can get it going. 0:02:35.601 --> 0:02:35.801 Yeah. 0:02:35.921 --> 0:02:39.121 Actually, if this wasn't the parents Squad, I'd be immediately 0:02:39.281 --> 0:02:41.561 transitioning to eight hundred and eighty ten eighty what is 0:02:41.601 --> 0:02:44.681 the most useless appliance you've ever bought or outdated? But 0:02:44.841 --> 0:02:46.721 we're not going to do that right now. You always 0:02:46.761 --> 0:02:49.601 text me if you want just for fun. Actually, what 0:02:49.681 --> 0:02:52.321 we want to talk about today is something that I'm 0:02:52.401 --> 0:02:55.561 looking It came out of just a conversation I've had 0:02:55.561 --> 0:02:59.321 with other parents, and my wife and I are anticipating 0:02:59.361 --> 0:03:04.041 this as well. Is because it's easy to look at 0:03:05.121 --> 0:03:08.801 arrenteing when your children are not near that age where 0:03:08.801 --> 0:03:10.601 it's really an issue, and you look at it, it's 0:03:10.641 --> 0:03:14.561 body image issues and pear pressure and issues that can 0:03:14.641 --> 0:03:20.281 lead to serious problems such as anorexia or beliema and 0:03:20.321 --> 0:03:24.601 things like that, and body issued. When you are a 0:03:24.681 --> 0:03:27.801 parent with where you're several years away from that becoming that, 0:03:28.121 --> 0:03:30.001 you always think, oh, we cross that, but you'll need 0:03:30.001 --> 0:03:31.801 to come to it. But we're getting to the age 0:03:31.841 --> 0:03:36.041 with twelve and thirteen year olds where I've had conversations 0:03:36.081 --> 0:03:40.401 with other parents quick where their child has raised a 0:03:40.481 --> 0:03:43.601 question about their own body image or they've simply made 0:03:43.601 --> 0:03:47.281 an observation like oh, you know, I'm my tummy's getting bigger, 0:03:47.361 --> 0:03:50.761 or I'm getting this, and I suddenly realized I had 0:03:50.761 --> 0:03:53.441 to chat with my wife about it. How are we 0:03:53.521 --> 0:03:56.601 going to handle these moments because you want to acknowledge 0:03:56.961 --> 0:03:59.961 reality that your kids get it growing up, that their 0:04:00.441 --> 0:04:04.881 you know, their body shapes will change. And yet I'm 0:04:05.121 --> 0:04:07.121 I must admit that now it's getting close to that 0:04:07.161 --> 0:04:08.641 time where I'm going to have to feel questions. I 0:04:08.641 --> 0:04:10.881 want to be prepared for it that I don't say 0:04:10.921 --> 0:04:12.841 the wrong thing. Well, of course, it's natural that you're 0:04:12.881 --> 0:04:16.161 going to get you know, say, for instance, somebody said 0:04:16.561 --> 0:04:18.841 my tummy's getting a bit bigger or something, and I go, well, 0:04:18.841 --> 0:04:22.121 that's natural, honey. I'm terrified that I've just said something 0:04:22.161 --> 0:04:24.761 I shouldn't say, And I'm just wondering, how do you 0:04:24.881 --> 0:04:27.681 navigate those things where, you know, in the world of 0:04:27.761 --> 0:04:34.601 Instagram and everyone's perfect in Facebook, I'm nervous about handling 0:04:35.201 --> 0:04:38.081 those questions where one of my daughters says that she's 0:04:38.081 --> 0:04:39.481 not happy with the way she is. 0:04:41.561 --> 0:04:44.601 And I think it's such a common thing that parents 0:04:44.641 --> 0:04:47.081 are rightly worried about. You know, We've got this whole 0:04:48.041 --> 0:04:50.401 thing at the moment around body image and what we 0:04:50.521 --> 0:04:53.881 look like and comparing ourselves to other people. In terms 0:04:53.921 --> 0:04:59.241 of how we look. I think my thoughts is that 0:04:59.881 --> 0:05:03.641 it's good to sort of dig into those questions. You know, 0:05:03.681 --> 0:05:06.161 if somebody says, my tummy's but burgle, this is a 0:05:06.201 --> 0:05:10.361 bit changed Steve. If you can spend some time and say, oh, 0:05:11.121 --> 0:05:15.161 you know, what's how do you feel about that? They 0:05:15.201 --> 0:05:17.641 could be simply making an observation. 0:05:17.601 --> 0:05:19.321 Or are they looking for me to say no, it's not. 0:05:19.681 --> 0:05:22.401 See instantly, I'm like, as soon as you say, well, 0:05:22.561 --> 0:05:24.361 how do you feel about that, They're like, you mean 0:05:24.401 --> 0:05:30.601 you agree with me? So I'm petrified of the conversation 0:05:30.761 --> 0:05:33.681 full stop. 0:05:36.281 --> 0:05:39.601 I think I think parents are rightly worried about this area. 0:05:40.201 --> 0:05:45.001 I would say too that I think very it would 0:05:45.041 --> 0:05:49.161 be a very rare circumstance where appearance says one thing 0:05:49.801 --> 0:05:52.201 and it has a massive impact on their children's life 0:05:52.241 --> 0:05:55.521 for the rest of their life. Okay, So, and I 0:05:55.561 --> 0:05:59.641 think that's true across almost all areas of I can 0:05:59.881 --> 0:06:02.561 that I can think of. We will often say occasional 0:06:02.601 --> 0:06:07.161 throwaway comments or not a throwaway comments, occasional comments, and 0:06:07.481 --> 0:06:10.921 usually one comment is not going to have a huge effect. 0:06:11.001 --> 0:06:13.601 I think it's more the ongoing sort of culture or 0:06:14.401 --> 0:06:17.721 focus in the family and in the environment that a 0:06:17.841 --> 0:06:21.081 child lives and will have a much bigger, longer lasting effect. 0:06:21.921 --> 0:06:25.201 But I definitely think it's worth probing a little bit 0:06:25.281 --> 0:06:28.521 deeper when when those sorts of questions come up, because 0:06:28.681 --> 0:06:30.601 you know, as you as you mentioned before, it's it's 0:06:30.841 --> 0:06:34.761 it's a very well, it's entirely normal that people's bodies change, 0:06:34.801 --> 0:06:37.761 you know, young people's bodies changes they hit puberty. It's 0:06:37.801 --> 0:06:43.161 it's what we expect to happen. And I think don't 0:06:43.201 --> 0:06:45.921 be afraid of having the conversation. It might be an 0:06:46.001 --> 0:06:49.601 uncomfortable conversation, but don't be afraid of having it and 0:06:49.681 --> 0:06:52.161 trying to you know, really, what we're trying to do 0:06:52.241 --> 0:06:56.201 is introduce some normality to the conversation. Yes, change is normal, 0:06:56.561 --> 0:06:59.321 and and really trying to get across the idea that 0:06:59.681 --> 0:07:02.201 you know, it's okay whoever you are, really and it's 0:07:02.201 --> 0:07:05.921 okay whatever shape you are, and let's perhaps notocus hugely 0:07:06.041 --> 0:07:10.601 on that. But I also think that the conversations, the 0:07:10.641 --> 0:07:13.121 rest of the conversations that happen in the family for 0:07:13.161 --> 0:07:16.961 the rest of the time are also crucially important. Do 0:07:17.841 --> 0:07:20.001 your kids, not you personally, tim but you know, do 0:07:20.601 --> 0:07:25.361 kids overhear their parents talking about the parents' body image, 0:07:25.481 --> 0:07:27.521 or I'm looking a bit overweight or I'm feeling a 0:07:27.521 --> 0:07:30.961 bit weight, or are they being exposed to older siblings 0:07:31.041 --> 0:07:35.321 or parents who are constantly dieting, And that's possibly going 0:07:35.361 --> 0:07:37.481 to have much more of a lasting impact on a 0:07:37.681 --> 0:07:41.161 child's perception of themselves and their body than a single 0:07:41.321 --> 0:07:43.401 question or a single answer from a parent. 0:07:43.481 --> 0:07:46.001 You've just reminded me because last night one of my 0:07:46.081 --> 0:07:48.241 daughters is I give them a hug good night before 0:07:48.241 --> 0:07:50.121 I get a bit before they go to sleep, sort 0:07:50.161 --> 0:07:53.681 of thing. She said to me. She did, Dad, you're 0:07:53.721 --> 0:07:57.721 looking a lot slimmer right now. And because I was 0:07:57.761 --> 0:08:01.081 like oh, and I wasn't sure how overjoyed I should 0:08:01.081 --> 0:08:06.401 sound like, oh hooray, I sort of was like, oh 0:08:06.441 --> 0:08:08.481 do I, I said, I don't know why that would be. 0:08:08.561 --> 0:08:10.801 I said, oh, well, I'm you know, I'm trying not 0:08:10.841 --> 0:08:11.881 to have so much chocolate. 0:08:14.321 --> 0:08:14.561 Yeah. 0:08:14.921 --> 0:08:15.081 Yeah. 0:08:15.241 --> 0:08:19.201 It's interesting, isn't it. How quickly we sort of even 0:08:19.241 --> 0:08:22.601 implicitly kind of say, you know, link the fact that 0:08:22.641 --> 0:08:24.761 somebody's called a slim or we've lost weight to that 0:08:24.841 --> 0:08:26.721 being a good thing, or that we feel a bit 0:08:26.801 --> 0:08:29.721 fat to that being a bad thing. And wouldn't it 0:08:29.761 --> 0:08:32.321 be great if we could just sort of extract those 0:08:32.361 --> 0:08:35.801 two from each other, so you know your body shape 0:08:35.801 --> 0:08:38.321 and west doesn't have to reflect. It doesn't have to 0:08:38.321 --> 0:08:40.121 be a good thing or a bad thing. It's just 0:08:40.161 --> 0:08:44.521 a thing, really, and trying to take away the value 0:08:44.601 --> 0:08:47.201 judgments from that, I think is really really helpful, if 0:08:47.201 --> 0:08:47.801 that's possible. 0:08:47.961 --> 0:08:49.721 I try to reflect on when I was growing up. 0:08:49.761 --> 0:08:52.081 I mean, look, I'm family and boys, I'm not sure 0:08:52.081 --> 0:08:54.041 if we're worried about how we I'm sure we did 0:08:54.681 --> 0:08:58.481 in fact, but I don't. Obviously, my mum and my 0:08:58.561 --> 0:09:05.361 dad never seem to ever ever talk about you losing 0:09:05.361 --> 0:09:07.241 weight or anything. I think mum might have done weight 0:09:07.281 --> 0:09:09.401 watches at one stage. We never gave it a second thought, 0:09:09.401 --> 0:09:14.441 but we never ever heard them angsting if that's a 0:09:14.441 --> 0:09:18.161 word about and I think that's probably quite important, isn't it. 0:09:18.161 --> 0:09:21.721 If mum's constantly complaining about the way she looks and 0:09:21.841 --> 0:09:24.921 is constantly on this diet or that diet because she's 0:09:24.961 --> 0:09:27.241 not happy, then is that something that's going to rub 0:09:27.321 --> 0:09:28.241 off on kids in a way. 0:09:28.601 --> 0:09:31.481 I think that's going to be much more likely than 0:09:31.641 --> 0:09:35.961 an occasional answer to a question, yes, absolutely. Look, I 0:09:36.001 --> 0:09:38.521 think things have changed too since perhaps our time. I 0:09:38.561 --> 0:09:42.041 think when you know, when we're younger, were growing up 0:09:42.041 --> 0:09:45.121 in teens, especially for boys, there was much less emphasis 0:09:45.121 --> 0:09:49.521 on body image and looks for boys now and that 0:09:49.721 --> 0:09:53.401 has changed in the last ten or fifteen so years. 0:09:53.441 --> 0:09:56.921 There has been a much bigger increase around you know, 0:09:57.361 --> 0:10:03.201 body image or young men and for boys as well. Unfortunately, 0:10:03.201 --> 0:10:06.561 it's always been there for women, and you know, society 0:10:06.601 --> 0:10:09.721 is always judge women by how they look. But you're right, 0:10:09.801 --> 0:10:13.721 it's those conversations if somebody in the family doesn't matter 0:10:13.721 --> 0:10:16.361 if it's male or female, but if somebody and the 0:10:16.361 --> 0:10:19.561 family is constantly dieting and focusing on weight and how 0:10:19.601 --> 0:10:21.801 they look, and oh gosh, it's a great thing. You know, 0:10:21.841 --> 0:10:25.201 I can celebrate now I've lost weight. That you think 0:10:25.201 --> 0:10:27.961 about the message that that is sending your kids, especially 0:10:28.001 --> 0:10:31.561 as they grow up and they hit puberty, when their 0:10:31.561 --> 0:10:34.761 bodies will definitely change and they will at times be 0:10:34.921 --> 0:10:39.201 uncomfortable with their bodies. You know that I think just 0:10:39.401 --> 0:10:43.121 normalizing it and that that change is fine, it's normal, 0:10:43.481 --> 0:10:46.761 and trying to take away this idea that actually being 0:10:46.961 --> 0:10:50.601 slim is really good. And I can hear the counterargument 0:10:50.641 --> 0:10:52.281 already people will be saying, yeah, but you know, we 0:10:52.321 --> 0:10:55.641 don't want them to being obese and overweight, and and 0:10:56.241 --> 0:10:59.481 of course we don't. But you know that we're not 0:10:59.561 --> 0:11:03.761 talking about going to that extreme either. We're just talking about, Hey, 0:11:04.521 --> 0:11:07.921 think about the culture and the way that you think 0:11:08.001 --> 0:11:12.401 about food and dieting in your family. Just generally, it's 0:11:12.441 --> 0:11:15.601 probably a good time to stop and think, as kids 0:11:15.601 --> 0:11:18.001 are coming into teenage years about how do we talk 0:11:18.041 --> 0:11:20.001 about weight image in our house. 0:11:20.121 --> 0:11:23.281 Actually, intuitively, it absolutely makes sense that this is a 0:11:23.281 --> 0:11:26.601 problem that's going to start affecting boys as well. Just 0:11:26.881 --> 0:11:30.961 all you needed. The reason I'm moral that sort of 0:11:31.041 --> 0:11:33.121 rings a bell with me is I was looking at 0:11:33.121 --> 0:11:36.201 some old retro ads as to what a well muscled 0:11:36.201 --> 0:11:40.161 man was in the seventies and eighties, and by today's standards, 0:11:40.161 --> 0:11:43.441 they were pretty dweeby, you know, Yeah, a hint of 0:11:43.441 --> 0:11:46.081 a six pack that was, you know, you were the 0:11:46.121 --> 0:11:50.201 new Peter Stuyvesant guy or whatever it was advertising cigarettes. 0:11:50.641 --> 0:11:54.641 Yeah, absolutely, I think that has been a huge change, 0:11:55.281 --> 0:11:59.441 and certainly rates of eating disorders amongst males have increased 0:11:59.441 --> 0:12:03.001 over the past ten to fifteen years. Remembering too, though, 0:12:03.161 --> 0:12:07.081 it is worth remembering that the eating disorders are still 0:12:07.201 --> 0:12:10.641 although they're very severe when you have them, they're still 0:12:10.681 --> 0:12:13.321 relatively rare. They're not there's not a huge proportion of 0:12:13.361 --> 0:12:16.521 the population has an eating disorder. Okay, but we don't 0:12:16.521 --> 0:12:18.601 want to push nor do you want to say things 0:12:18.601 --> 0:12:21.121 that are going to push kids towards that. 0:12:21.881 --> 0:12:23.481 Okay, well, look, we're going to take your calls on 0:12:23.481 --> 0:12:27.161 this too. How do you navigate those years when your 0:12:27.201 --> 0:12:29.001 kids are starting to be more conscious of their own 0:12:29.041 --> 0:12:32.961 body image and having conversations with them where well, at 0:12:32.961 --> 0:12:35.121 the very least you don't contribute to the problem, and 0:12:35.161 --> 0:12:37.641 maybe you help your kids navigate that stuff without them 0:12:38.001 --> 0:12:40.961 ending up with some sort of body what is it, dysmorphia, 0:12:41.041 --> 0:12:43.281 all that sort of stuff and eating disorders. Let's take 0:12:43.281 --> 0:12:45.681 some calls on that because we're keen to know if 0:12:45.681 --> 0:12:49.081 you've actually managed to successfully navigate those waters as well. Jeff, 0:12:49.121 --> 0:12:51.121 get how on a second, let me just click that 0:12:51.121 --> 0:12:53.641 button again several weeks Jeff, Hello. 0:12:54.521 --> 0:13:01.321 Hello button. I raise two boys all on my own. Okay. Now, 0:13:02.121 --> 0:13:07.281 from the time they started growing up, I didn't give 0:13:07.321 --> 0:13:10.561 them a chance too much chance to get bored or 0:13:10.601 --> 0:13:16.201 sit down there and feel sorry for themselves or what 0:13:16.321 --> 0:13:18.961 I look like or what I don't look like. Now, 0:13:19.121 --> 0:13:21.921 when as the boys were getting a bit older, I 0:13:22.041 --> 0:13:26.961 turned around and I got them into organizations. Now, both 0:13:27.001 --> 0:13:33.121 my boys, I got them into soccer now, and it 0:13:33.321 --> 0:13:37.801 was they had soccer on a on a Saturday morning, 0:13:38.601 --> 0:13:44.561 and I was also coaching soccer in towern as well. Now, 0:13:45.121 --> 0:13:50.081 So they were up on the Saturday morning and away 0:13:50.121 --> 0:13:54.641 we went. And when they came home it was shower 0:13:54.721 --> 0:13:56.881 and get changed and all that. But they had a 0:13:56.921 --> 0:14:00.841 great day. They seemed to really enjoy it. So in 0:14:00.921 --> 0:14:05.881 the summertime, even after work, but they were looking at 0:14:05.881 --> 0:14:09.041 a bit down and out. I'd say to them, come on, 0:14:09.441 --> 0:14:12.481 let's go. We're down the beach. Let's go for. 0:14:12.481 --> 0:14:15.481 Uswim You just you just get them busy and active. 0:14:16.761 --> 0:14:22.001 Yeah. I just kept them busy and and I just 0:14:22.041 --> 0:14:27.281 found that this was working. They were good thinkers. I 0:14:27.401 --> 0:14:30.241 used to say them if they were rude to somebody, 0:14:30.241 --> 0:14:33.121 I'd say, hey, knock it off. You don't talk to 0:14:33.121 --> 0:14:36.041 people like that, okay, or you're not going to get 0:14:36.041 --> 0:14:39.081 anywhere in life. Now. As the boys got a little 0:14:39.081 --> 0:14:44.721 bit older and older, my older son joined cubs and 0:14:44.841 --> 0:14:49.201 my other other son was still played. My younger one 0:14:49.361 --> 0:14:54.441 still played soccer now. So when Adam got into the 0:14:54.561 --> 0:14:58.281 cubs and on all that sort of the keys Cubs 0:14:58.361 --> 0:15:02.001 and goodness knows what out and going out the next scene, 0:15:04.081 --> 0:15:10.361 I could see the differ someone how was great And 0:15:10.841 --> 0:15:13.161 so I've got I just kept the boys busy, you know, 0:15:13.401 --> 0:15:17.561 like if the lawns needed mind to cut down one 0:15:17.601 --> 0:15:19.401 of those guys. 0:15:20.721 --> 0:15:24.641 Money. So I mean, guess keeping your busy is not 0:15:25.321 --> 0:15:29.721 busy active in and you know makes sense, doesn't it? Injurity. 0:15:29.761 --> 0:15:31.761 I'm not sure if Jeff's kids would have grown up 0:15:31.761 --> 0:15:34.361 with social media. I'm guessing possibly not. That might be 0:15:34.401 --> 0:15:37.641 the one complicating flying the ointment. 0:15:37.681 --> 0:15:40.201 There there is some wisdom I think of what Jeff 0:15:40.281 --> 0:15:42.881 was saying around, you know, especially at teens. I'm a 0:15:42.921 --> 0:15:46.801 really big fan of keeping teens, you know, getting them 0:15:46.961 --> 0:15:52.401 involved and active and activities and groups and organizations where 0:15:52.521 --> 0:15:54.761 that will take up their time and get them interested 0:15:54.761 --> 0:15:57.601 in things. I often think for teenagers, what is it, 0:15:58.041 --> 0:16:03.521 you know, idle hands of the devil's work for all 0:16:03.521 --> 0:16:06.961 sorts of all sorts of things, but you know, keeping 0:16:07.001 --> 0:16:08.881 them in bold to make. 0:16:08.761 --> 0:16:14.801 The devil's work. That's a biblical But I mean there 0:16:14.881 --> 0:16:19.721 is something to that with kids. I guess, well, I mean, 0:16:19.721 --> 0:16:21.721 my girls are very busy and we haven't had those 0:16:21.721 --> 0:16:23.881 conversations yet. I'm sort of getting ahead of the game. 0:16:23.881 --> 0:16:28.361 But I guess that's not necessarily the total antidote to it. 0:16:28.401 --> 0:16:31.321 But certainly kids feeling busy and just being active all 0:16:31.361 --> 0:16:33.321 the time is always going to be good for just 0:16:33.361 --> 0:16:36.001 their general sense of well being. Does that help stave 0:16:36.041 --> 0:16:39.241 off those sort of naval gazing moments of dissatisfaction? 0:16:39.961 --> 0:16:42.161 Well, there's less time to do it, perhaps, as Jeff 0:16:42.201 --> 0:16:45.841 was implying, but recognizing that adolescents of the time, when 0:16:45.841 --> 0:16:49.321 you do, you do naturally become much more focused on 0:16:50.201 --> 0:16:52.801 what your peers think and what others think. But being 0:16:52.841 --> 0:16:55.521 involved with other teens are who are doing pro social, 0:16:55.521 --> 0:16:58.161 positive things is a really good thing. Did you have. 0:16:58.121 --> 0:17:00.881 Any you look back when you were a teenager? Did 0:17:00.881 --> 0:17:04.081 you have any things that you would dissatisfy with yourself about? 0:17:04.241 --> 0:17:07.161 Because I can't remember now. I'm sure. I'm sure there 0:17:07.161 --> 0:17:08.081 are a few things, but. 0:17:08.121 --> 0:17:13.201 Yeah, I can. I can remember spending long time looking 0:17:13.241 --> 0:17:16.041 in the mirror at my skin worrying about acne. Oh 0:17:16.321 --> 0:17:22.681 that's and I can remember that, and and that's not 0:17:22.721 --> 0:17:25.041 an unusual thing for an adolescents. A lot of that 0:17:25.161 --> 0:17:30.361 sort of time looking at yourself in the mirror, comparing yourself. 0:17:30.641 --> 0:17:33.321 You're trying to imagine what you should you really want 0:17:33.321 --> 0:17:35.601 to look like, And of course you forget that. You'll 0:17:36.121 --> 0:17:38.641 you get very very very very familiar with your face 0:17:38.681 --> 0:17:42.601 and hear and look, and much more familiar than anybody else. 0:17:42.601 --> 0:17:44.881 So you notice a tiny here out of place that 0:17:45.081 --> 0:17:49.161 nobody else really looks at. But that isn't. That isn't. 0:17:49.481 --> 0:17:51.561 That's a natural sort of thing in adolescence, and there 0:17:51.601 --> 0:17:55.321 is that focus on ourselves and comparing us to our 0:17:55.361 --> 0:17:57.721 peer group. So the more that we can do to 0:17:57.761 --> 0:17:58.961 reduce that, the better, I think. 0:17:59.121 --> 0:18:01.121 Gosh, actually, the peer group was probably the problem. When 0:18:01.121 --> 0:18:02.681 I was growing up, one boy had a bit of 0:18:02.681 --> 0:18:04.561 problem with acting on us back and people said that 0:18:05.081 --> 0:18:06.761 we used to get tea springing a back that looked 0:18:06.761 --> 0:18:10.721 like a pizza. I forgot. People are crawl. 0:18:10.521 --> 0:18:15.641 Twitch teenagers have some tear I can recalling people pizza face. 0:18:16.961 --> 0:18:19.961 It was just I mean, I'm made it laughing because 0:18:20.001 --> 0:18:22.321 here we are, as grown ups looking back on how 0:18:22.441 --> 0:18:23.441 terribly we behaved. 0:18:23.961 --> 0:18:26.001 No, it's slightly embarrassing. 0:18:26.041 --> 0:18:28.241 Isn't it anyway. We'll be back in just a moment, though. 0:18:28.281 --> 0:18:31.201 How do you navigate those moments where you where you 0:18:31.281 --> 0:18:33.881 are worried that your teenagers? I think the question is 0:18:33.881 --> 0:18:37.521 probably about losing perspective about natural changes in their bodies 0:18:37.521 --> 0:18:39.521 and all that sort of stuff. How do you navigate 0:18:39.601 --> 0:18:42.801 that so that they can just get through it in 0:18:42.841 --> 0:18:45.641 a way that we all got through it hopefully. O 0:18:45.721 --> 0:18:48.521 eight hundred eighty twenty five past five. We'll be back 0:18:48.561 --> 0:19:11.201 with Jane and Matthew in just a moment, and welcome back. 0:19:11.241 --> 0:19:13.241 This is the Parents Squad. I'm Tim Beverage. My guest 0:19:13.321 --> 0:19:16.401 is Google Sutherland. He is the CEO of Umbrella Well 0:19:16.401 --> 0:19:19.841 Being and he's also a psychologist. And we're talking about 0:19:20.161 --> 0:19:22.441 how do you navigate those difficult moments where your kids 0:19:22.481 --> 0:19:26.321 start to question the way they are built, made, the 0:19:26.361 --> 0:19:28.361 way they look, they wait, all that sort of stuff. 0:19:28.481 --> 0:19:30.921 How do you have those conversations and make them feel 0:19:30.921 --> 0:19:33.401 okay about themselves? Are actually about making it worse? Because 0:19:33.401 --> 0:19:38.721 that's my fear when the time comes. Jane, Hello, oh hi. 0:19:38.641 --> 0:19:42.081 Thanks for taking my call. Look, I've been listening to 0:19:42.121 --> 0:19:47.161 your conversation and getting more and more uptight. I am 0:19:47.201 --> 0:19:50.281 a mother of a twenty two year old girl who 0:19:50.321 --> 0:19:54.121 has been suffering from anorexia since the age of fifteen, 0:19:54.801 --> 0:19:58.521 and I just feel like I want to tell those 0:19:58.561 --> 0:20:01.761 other parents out there who have children who do have 0:20:01.841 --> 0:20:06.361 eating disorders. It's not a simple thing of being able 0:20:06.441 --> 0:20:08.601 to stare them in the right direction through the tough 0:20:08.641 --> 0:20:12.161 times around food and around comments. A lot of it is, 0:20:12.361 --> 0:20:16.801 A lot of it is from other areas in their life. 0:20:16.881 --> 0:20:17.081 Now. 0:20:17.681 --> 0:20:22.561 My daughter's experience was she was bullied terribly at the 0:20:22.601 --> 0:20:24.001 age of fifteen at school. 0:20:25.121 --> 0:20:26.401 No one listened to her. 0:20:26.321 --> 0:20:29.961 And she got in a really bad state. Her control 0:20:30.601 --> 0:20:34.561 was being able to put her way of getting through 0:20:34.601 --> 0:20:38.441 this was being able to control what she ate or 0:20:38.481 --> 0:20:42.921 in her case, didn't eat, and it became it was 0:20:43.081 --> 0:20:46.841 a big She's still she's twenty two, and she's still 0:20:47.001 --> 0:20:50.681 really very much in the realms of anorexia. I have 0:20:50.921 --> 0:20:54.481 given up work and I'm supporting her, but I think 0:20:54.601 --> 0:20:58.601 what I want to say one comment you made was 0:20:58.681 --> 0:21:01.641 that it's not just one comment that someone can say 0:21:02.121 --> 0:21:05.601 that can change their way. Actually it is. And my 0:21:05.761 --> 0:21:09.521 daughter can tell you the one thing that actually the 0:21:09.521 --> 0:21:11.801 one thing that someone said about what she was eating 0:21:12.081 --> 0:21:15.001 that brought anorexia on and of course she had lots 0:21:15.041 --> 0:21:17.521 of other things going on her life, as have all 0:21:17.601 --> 0:21:22.881 the young children these days. And the whole eating disorder 0:21:22.961 --> 0:21:26.361 side of things is huge, and you comment that it's 0:21:26.401 --> 0:21:30.841 not big. It is massive, but people don't acknowledge it. 0:21:30.921 --> 0:21:33.281 In New Zealand it has got one of the highest 0:21:33.401 --> 0:21:37.121 rates of anorexia and children as young as six semen eight. 0:21:37.441 --> 0:21:42.681 Okay, doggle Yeah, and look, Jane, it's it's really you know, 0:21:43.361 --> 0:21:45.961 my heart goes out to your supporting somebody. You know 0:21:45.961 --> 0:21:48.001 your daughter was an eating disorder. It must have been 0:21:48.081 --> 0:21:52.281 incredibly and it must sounds like it's still incredibly incredibly hard. 0:21:53.361 --> 0:21:56.681 And as I think, as you rightly point out, there's 0:21:56.721 --> 0:22:01.761 lots of factors that contribute to somebody developing and eating disorder, 0:22:01.801 --> 0:22:04.921 and obviously your daughter it was you know, there was 0:22:05.321 --> 0:22:09.681 perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back was was 0:22:09.321 --> 0:22:13.041 was a comment that somebody made to and that's and 0:22:13.041 --> 0:22:17.121 that's devastating. But I guess my point was that for parents, 0:22:17.921 --> 0:22:21.961 perhaps the answering a question isn't isn't in and of 0:22:22.001 --> 0:22:25.441 itself without those other background factors, is not necessarily going 0:22:25.441 --> 0:22:28.841 to lead to that, but you know, and not wanting 0:22:28.841 --> 0:22:34.041 at all to underplay how serious eating disorders are. They're 0:22:34.041 --> 0:22:38.601 an incredibly serious and and really debilitating and it sometimes 0:22:38.681 --> 0:22:43.761 sometimes even deadly disorder, and would never want to minimize that. 0:22:44.841 --> 0:22:47.081 Yeah, I think I think what I took from were 0:22:47.081 --> 0:22:49.961 listening to Google is that if you are a loving parent, 0:22:50.241 --> 0:22:53.401 you're not going to with one comment destroy your child, 0:22:53.441 --> 0:22:56.721 whereas there will obviously times when there may be one comment, 0:22:56.721 --> 0:22:58.681 as Google said that there's a straw that breaks the 0:22:58.721 --> 0:23:00.481 camel's back. Is that a better way of putting it? 0:23:00.521 --> 0:23:00.961 Do you think? 0:23:03.001 --> 0:23:07.521 I think so, and I think it's it's not necessarily. 0:23:07.561 --> 0:23:11.081