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Speaker 1: You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons

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Speaker 1: podcast from News Talk Zedbe.

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Speaker 2: Alexander Tablanche is the real thing when it comes to relationships.

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Speaker 2: As we've mentioned before, he's got qualifications in psychotherapy counseling

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Speaker 2: human sexuality. He runs his own practice which is very

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Speaker 2: successful as well, called on Point Therapy, and he's the

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Speaker 2: relationship expert for Compettico. Got this wealth of knowledge at

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Speaker 2: his disposal. He joins us every fortnight. Hello there, Alexander.

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Speaker 3: Hey guys, there's a game doing great.

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Speaker 2: Thanks? How are you going?

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Speaker 4: More?

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Speaker 2: Is the point you've got little twins?

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Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm doing good.

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Speaker 4: I feel I've had much more sleep, more mental acuity

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Speaker 4: this week, so I'm good to go.

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Speaker 2: Good Man. Hey, if you've got a question and you'd

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Speaker 2: like to talk to Alexander, he is very very good

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Speaker 2: to talk to. So eight hundred and eighty ten eighty

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Speaker 2: is our phone.

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Speaker 5: We've already got some texts and this one says, Alexander,

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Speaker 5: how do you fix someone whose trust has been damaged

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Speaker 5: by a previous partner? My husband is very untrusted worthy

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Speaker 5: due to his ex wife being a prolific cheaterh I

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Speaker 5: have a lot of male friends who have been friends

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Speaker 5: with for fifteen odd years. I feel like I'm being

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Speaker 5: questioned because of the way his ex wife was. What

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Speaker 5: do I do?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 4: There a few things worth probably looking into. Firstly, a

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Speaker 4: shift of a shift of perspective. I think if we're

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Speaker 4: looking at anything as something that's broken that needs to

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Speaker 4: be fixed, we can often be met with a bit

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Speaker 4: of resistance by the person who's on the broken labeling end.

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Speaker 4: So I think having a look at it from there's

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Speaker 4: an opportunity here for us to build trust in our relationship,

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Speaker 4: regardless of what's happened before us. So from a team perspective,

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Speaker 4: the things that sound like they're appropriate sounds like one

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Speaker 4: partner values friendships and the other partner values needs emotional safety.

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Speaker 4: So can we sit down and come up with compromises

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Speaker 4: that make space for both of those things, space for

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Speaker 4: friendships and emotional safety. And there are things like boundaries

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Speaker 4: talking about insecurities, knowing if there are particular triggers, so

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Speaker 4: if it's particular groups of friends, or if it's particular settings,

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Speaker 4: or if it's to do with going out late at

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Speaker 4: night in alcohol.

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Speaker 3: Having some of those bits of information.

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Speaker 4: Allow us to work together to set up boundaries for

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Speaker 4: our relationships so that we can start to build trust

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Speaker 4: with what we have. Very good.

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Speaker 2: This is pretty personal, and so I'll modify the text.

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Speaker 2: But this is your sexuality expert as well. Hi guys,

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Speaker 2: I won't mention my name, but a close friends girl

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Speaker 2: has requested a free pass. I presume you know what

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Speaker 2: that means, Alexander, Yes, as long as it doesn't happen

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Speaker 2: in their home. But it did. She said he wasn't

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Speaker 2: fulfilling her. She is quite manipulative in my view, so

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Speaker 2: wanted more. He agreed initially, but now he is regretting.

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Speaker 2: It is any going back, yes.

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Speaker 4: I think in short, there is a chance to go back,

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Speaker 4: but it sounds like some pretty significant conversations need to

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Speaker 4: be have in order for that to be an option.

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Speaker 4: Couple therapists sex therapists will often be looking at what

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Speaker 4: is the balance of power within any relationship?

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Speaker 3: So who has it?

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Speaker 4: How is it shared, how is it negotiated, how is

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Speaker 4: it abused? And look, it sounds like there's a request

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Speaker 4: for a free pass, which is a form of an

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Speaker 4: open relationship. It's where one person gets to go and

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Speaker 4: pursue something that they would like, usually sexually, away from

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Speaker 4: the relationship. Free pass is usually a one time, one

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Speaker 4: time place. And look, it's it's not for everyone, but

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Speaker 4: it does work for some.

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Speaker 2: Does it? Does it really work for some? I'm going

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Speaker 2: to sound highly conservative, but I really struggle with that

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Speaker 2: concept because I knew when I grew up, and you know,

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Speaker 2: there was people that I knew that did this and

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Speaker 2: not honestly, Alexander, not one single couple that had that

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Speaker 2: free pass or an open relationship stayed together. Not one.

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Speaker 4: So but it can work, you reckon one hundred percent.

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Speaker 4: But I do think to your point, I think too

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Speaker 4: many people use it as a last resort. Our relationship's

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Speaker 4: not working. Maybe if we do something extreme like this,

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Speaker 4: it may fix it. It may bring a spark, it

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Speaker 4: may bring me joy. That's that's a doomed approach. If

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Speaker 4: you are going to go down the route of opening

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Speaker 4: a relationship, you need to be even more secure than

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Speaker 4: you were before. You need to be even more open

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Speaker 4: about the communication and the boundaries and how it works

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Speaker 4: than you were before. So it does work, but you know,

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Speaker 4: it takes a particular type of relationship, you know, for

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Speaker 4: it to be able to have, yeah, to have the resilience,

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Speaker 4: I guess, to move through it. But I mean, interestingly,

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Speaker 4: now that you bring that up, there's an increase in

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Speaker 4: the number of mature aged individuals who are going down

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Speaker 4: the route of opening relationships. It's not just the realm

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Speaker 4: of sort of the young and frivolous, and you know,

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Speaker 4: there's a there's some interesting correlation between the reduction in responsibility,

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Speaker 4: you know, early on in life, but also later on

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Speaker 4: in life where we feel a little bit more free

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Speaker 4: and secure to sort of expand.

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Speaker 3: And explore when the kids are gone. You mean, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 3: but the kids are gone. But also you know, retirement villages,

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Speaker 3: you know, the amount of sexual activity is through the roof.

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Speaker 3: It's fantastic. It's fantastic.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: We actually we heard that somewhere else to that we're discussing.

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Speaker 5: We were blown away. Yeah, someone said that, and we go,

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Speaker 5: you're kidding and you're confirming, Is that right, Alexander.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 4: All of the research that's coming through suggests that that,

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Speaker 4: in fact, it's it's increasing significantly, you know, and for

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Speaker 4: a very good reason too.

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Speaker 3: I think it's a yeah, what is the good reason?

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Speaker 4: Well, like I said before, I think I think people

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Speaker 4: get maybe a bit freer, freer within themselves, freer within

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Speaker 4: who they are, the need or the.

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Speaker 3: Desire to be to express more openly.

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Speaker 4: There's a lot less societal reductions as we get older,

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Speaker 4: because we start thinking, you know, to hell with it.

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Speaker 2: But what happens if you're a guy like me, right

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Speaker 2: and just let's just presuppose my wife hadn't passed away

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Speaker 2: last year, because I love her with all of my heart. Now,

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Speaker 2: if she said to me that I'm only discussing this

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Speaker 2: because I find this quite fascinating. If she came to

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Speaker 2: me and said, Simon, I would like to have a

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Speaker 2: free pass, I would rate from the get go, Alexander.

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Speaker 2: I would be crushed, devastated, inconsolable that somehow, some way

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Speaker 2: I wasn't fulfilling that part of her that she desired,

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Speaker 2: let's say, and so to me, then it's almost irreparable

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Speaker 2: because I could try and do more. But if she

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Speaker 2: wants that it's already out there, how does that ever

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Speaker 2: be redeemed? Because I'm not that I would never ask that.

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Speaker 4: I think firstly, we need to know our partners well

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Speaker 4: enough to know whether that's a question that we can

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Speaker 4: bring up, and the little that I do know about

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Speaker 4: your relationship, I'm surprised if your your wife would have

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Speaker 4: brought that up.

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Speaker 3: Knowing how you feel about monogamy.

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Speaker 2: So that's true, she wouldn't have, but it would be

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Speaker 2: some would be Yeah that she definitely wouldn't have. She

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Speaker 2: was the most faithful person in the world. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: I don't know how you would cope with that if

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Speaker 2: your partner suggested it and you're.

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Speaker 5: Like, no, well to do that? You just say that,

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Speaker 5: you say no, I don't want that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, exactly right.

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Speaker 4: So I mean we we ramp sets up to be

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Speaker 4: this sort of big, extreme thing, but it's really just

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Speaker 4: another aspect of a relationship. So we should be able

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Speaker 4: to ask our partner, how would you feel about maybe

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Speaker 4: spending more time overseas, maybe doing this, maybe doing that,

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Speaker 4: maybe opening up our relationship. It should be and it's

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Speaker 4: something that's open to being brought to the table. Whether

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Speaker 4: or not that's sort of accepted.

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Speaker 3: That doesn't matter.

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Speaker 4: It's about can we be open enough to voice our desires,

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Speaker 4: our concerns And there are some people who So there's

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Speaker 4: a concept called Compersian, which is being able to see

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Speaker 4: my partner happy and fulfilled brings me fulfillment, and so

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Speaker 4: being able to see our partner go and pursue something

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Speaker 4: that maybe we're not interested in offering, but they're able

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Speaker 4: to get it somewhere else and come back to the

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Speaker 4: relationship more fulfilled.

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Speaker 3: There are some people.

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Speaker 2: Isn't that just having your cake and eating it too.

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Speaker 4: It's a very sort of old school monogamous way of

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Speaker 4: seeing relationships.

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Speaker 2: That works for me.

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Speaker 3: And me too, Me too, but I get it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, fascinating Alexander. It's really really interesting talking to me

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Speaker 2: about We're joined by our relationship expert Alexander to Blanche.

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Speaker 5: Text here saying, hello, guys, I'm unhappy in my relationship.

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Speaker 5: Eighteen months ago I told my wife that I felt

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Speaker 5: the real relationship was broken and that I felt lonely.

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Speaker 5: We're still together, nothing has changed. She said she didn't

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Speaker 5: like conflict, which I replied, it's not conflict, it's communication.

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Speaker 5: How can I make this work?

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Speaker 3: Look, I think you are right.

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Speaker 4: Communication and you know is important and shouldn't be confused

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Speaker 4: with conflict. I think those of us that are conflict

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Speaker 4: averse or don't like to bring up hard things tend

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Speaker 4: to go long periods of time with not really chatting

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Speaker 4: about the small things that we would that we would

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Speaker 4: like to be doing different in a relationship, and so

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Speaker 4: it builds up. Our frustration can turn into into resentment,

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Speaker 4: you know, or sort of isolation or disconnection. The key

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Speaker 4: is to have frequent conversations about the small things so

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Speaker 4: that it doesn't feel like conflict. It just feels like

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Speaker 4: communication in the relationship.

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Speaker 3: My advice to this.

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Speaker 4: Particular person is maybe have a chat to your partner

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Speaker 4: about starting again about you know, not making it this

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Speaker 4: big thing, but saying, hey, look are you happy with

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Speaker 4: where things are at? There are a couple of things

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Speaker 4: that I was thinking maybe we could try and do differently.

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Speaker 4: Would you be open to it? That sounds very much

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Speaker 4: like communication and far less like conflict?

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Speaker 2: Right? This is interesting this I wonder if it's relatable

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Speaker 2: to many people. It says Hi Alexander and signed James.

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Speaker 2: My partner of seven years is jealous of my kids

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Speaker 2: and our relationship to the point where sometimes we can't

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Speaker 2: even talk to each other about it is very hard work.

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Speaker 2: Any advice is that a thing where people get yet

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Speaker 2: this is there They've got the children together, but it

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Speaker 2: appears right, yeah, that their children, but it appears, and

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Speaker 2: I think this is from the man. He's saying his

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Speaker 2: partner is jealous of his relationship with the kids. That

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Speaker 2: does that happen very often?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: I mean I think I think jealousy within a relationship

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Speaker 4: it's quite common, and so regardless of whether it's someone

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Speaker 4: spending too much time with friends or too much attention

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Speaker 4: to the kids, or too much time at work, often

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Speaker 4: we can get caught up in the content, right, meaning

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Speaker 4: it's the kids, or it's the friends, or it's the work,

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Speaker 4: when really what's sitting underneath that that we should be

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Speaker 4: having a chat about. Is I feel left out, I'm

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Speaker 4: not feeling included, or I feel like there's not a

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Speaker 4: whole lot of quality time left for us.

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Speaker 3: That's a very different conversation. Then you're spending too much

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Speaker 3: time at work, too much time with the kids, right.

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Speaker 4: Because then you're going to get a defensive response and

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Speaker 4: you're going to become more disconnected.

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Speaker 3: Have a conversation about what's underneath.

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Speaker 5: Very good, Okay? Texted George has said my wife says

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Speaker 5: I'm not present and I'm withdrawn, and then reacts with

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Speaker 5: cheap shots and also drinks to cope. Then she forgets

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Speaker 5: those nasty comments, which makes me pull further away. So

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Speaker 5: what should I do? Asks George.

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Speaker 4: George, Okay, this is very common, very common for every

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Speaker 4: relationship to have a series of cycles or patterns that

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Speaker 4: if we stand back, can become quite obvious. And it's

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Speaker 4: normal for a relationship to have one partner who is

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Speaker 4: a pursuer, meaning they kind of move towards the relationship,

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Speaker 4: and another.

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Speaker 3: Who's a withdrawer.

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Speaker 4: So you've got one person who's seeking space and one

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Speaker 4: person who's seeking closeness. And what can happen is it

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Speaker 4: starts small. Someone comes home from work and they want

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Speaker 4: to have a conversation. The other person feels overwhelmed, so

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Speaker 4: they try and shut the conversation.

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Speaker 3: Down and move away. Then it amplifies.

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Speaker 4: The person who's seeking closeness follows gets louder, I want to.

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Speaker 3: Talk about it.

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Speaker 4: The other person who's withdrawer gets more extreme, shuts down,

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Speaker 4: spends more time at work. So I think, regardless of

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Speaker 4: what it does, have a look at or become curious

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Speaker 4: about what the cycle is within your relationship. Who is

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Speaker 4: the pursuer or the one that seeks closest, who withdraws?

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Speaker 4: And once you see the cycle, you can start to

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Speaker 4: pick up when it starts, and when it starts, you

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Speaker 4: have a conversation around. Hold on second, I'm doing that

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Speaker 4: chasing thing. Hold on a second, I'm doing that with

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Speaker 4: drawing thing. We can take a breath, slow down, and

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Speaker 4: it's far easier to connect after that.

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Speaker 2: Very good stuff, Alexander. We really enjoy chatting with you.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for what you're bring on the show. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: really enjoyable. Good luck at home with the twins. Hope

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Speaker 2: you get some sleeping and we're talking again soon. Thank

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Speaker 2: you very much.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, awesome guy, Thank you, Thanks.

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Speaker 2: Andrew, Alexander blanche I just reminder Alexander has his own

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Speaker 2: practice called on Point Therapy.

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Speaker 1: News Talks EDB For more from Simon Barnett and James

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