WEBVTT - Angela Bloomfield - Life is a grey area 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:02.600 The Zitim podcast network. 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:06.800 So I started on the show. I was nineteen, she 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:10.200 was sixteen, and I was basically the vehicle for any 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:14.400 teen issue you could have playing a character five days 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:16.599 a week and going where do you start? And where 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:18.799 does she stop? And so yeah, I think that was 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:20.439 probably the polarizing bit for me. 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:23.640 Hey guys, here we are again. 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:27.240 Welcome back to another episode of Hope is of the podcast, 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:30.360 the podcast designed to help you feel a little less alone, 0:00:30.520 --> 0:00:34.080 a bit more inspired, and of course, as always a 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:37.960 lot more hopeful. Now today's episode, we have an icon, 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:41.159 a legend. I would go as far as say New 0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:46.479 Zealand Royalty Angela Bloomfield. You may have seen her on 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:48.680 your screens growing up on Shortland Street. You may have 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:51.760 seen her on such shows as Celebritish Treuter Island Dancing 0:00:51.800 --> 0:00:53.360 with the Stars, and as a matter of fact, on 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:56.560 this podcast we both talk about our experiences on their 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:57.320 kind of sharing. 0:00:57.400 --> 0:00:58.720 We both did those two shows. 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:02.040 I didn't do Shortland Street obviously, but she did, and 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:04.920 she talks about a whole bunch of different stuff, I guess, 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:07.720 kind of living life in the public eye, but then 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:13.360 also dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and doing that on 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.000 set in front of a bunch of people, she talks 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:19.039 of an experience that she had where she began to 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:21.560 realize that this was more than just anxiety, that she 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:24.920 was really getting pushed into the side of panic attacks. 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:26.319 And not really knowing how to deal with that. 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:31.280 Angela opens up about her divorce and her postpartum depression 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:34.280 and everything that happened along those times. 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:34.600 For her. 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:36.760 It was a really difficult time that she managed to 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.319 really fight through. She's got some beautiful moments, some beautiful 0:01:40.319 --> 0:01:43.400 realizations in this episode, and it's been such an honor 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:45.360 to be able to sit with her and hear her 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:48.800 story as someone that I grew up watching. I remember 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:51.000 watching her when I was younger on the TV, and 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:53.840 to sit with her now and kind of hear her 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:57.320 wisdom has been incredible. So I hope that you guys 0:01:57.400 --> 0:02:00.840 enjoy this episode. As always, If anything and here triggers you, 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:03.480 please it's okay to take time, It's okay to talk 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:06.920 to people, but other than their Angela's story is coming 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:07.960 up right after this. 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:15.200 Angela, Welcome to Hope It's All the podcast. First of all, 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:16.040 how are you? 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.920 I'm great? Thank you for having me to meet. 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:20.360 I'm so excited for you to be here. 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:23.520 I feel like I'm setting amongst New Zealand royalty right now. 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:26.960 Really I do will skip it up and died. I 0:02:27.000 --> 0:02:27.280 don't know. 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:29.440 It used to be. 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:33.079 No, you still are, like I just anyone who kind 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:37.359 of has watched TV in the last twin When were 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:37.959 you first. 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:39.720 Cast on Shortland Street ninety two? 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:41.200 That's before I was born. 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:43.400 Yeah, I'm a little bit older than you. 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:46.520 Wow, so many mini years. 0:02:46.120 --> 0:02:48.920 Many years that you. I feel like that beginning a. 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:50.280 Lot of people have just kind of grown up with you, 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:53.320 which is Yeah, that's a vibey gear, yeah, which is amazing, 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:55.240 and I want to I want to talk about that 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:57.160 so in kind of that even just your hold journey 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:58.839 with that, so you're there for such a long time. 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:01.000 But before we do that, as I was kind of 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.360 researching for this podcast, I realized we've got two exactly 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:07.400 the same TV shows, reality TV shows that we're cloth done, 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.680 Dancing with the Stars and Slebrity Treasure Island. 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:11.440 This is correct. 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:13.280 I've got to ask which one did you prefer. 0:03:16.480 --> 0:03:19.800 It's funny because so I did Dancing with the Stars 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:24.920 like fifteen years ago, and then so when I reflect 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:26.800 upon it. I'm like, I feel like I couldn't do 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:31.520 that now because it's really rigorous, as you've experienced, and 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:36.600 so I think I would probably right now do a 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:39.560 Treasure Island again because I feel like it's not that 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:43.360 whole performing live on a dance that you've taken a 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:48.560 week to learn. Likes that's next level kind of stuff. 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:51.840 It's amazing achievement stuff like really pat yourself on the 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:55.880 back stuff, but it's it requires so much of you 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:56.920 physically and mentally. 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:58.840 I feel like people need to know like it's live, 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:01.400 like it's as live as gets and I think people 0:04:01.480 --> 0:04:04.600 don't sometimes understand that. And I don't know about you, 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:07.280 but like when you do the big like light the 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.360 rehearsal right before the live show, and I feel like 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:12.600 everything tends to go wrong there the amount of times 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:16.480 that we caked lifts on my finale dance, we did 0:04:16.520 --> 0:04:18.960 the dirty dancing lift and in the rehearsal right before 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:21.520 I went right over into the judges desk, like, did 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.400 you have any incidences like in those rehearsals where you 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:24.880 caked it? 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:27.440 We didn't have. I didn't have anything like that, but 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:30.080 I certainly had that feeling of like not maybe not 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:32.200 quite heading it or still not being where I needed 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:35.279 it to be. And then I don't drink coffee. And 0:04:35.360 --> 0:04:37.440 there was one night I know, I don't know how 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:40.120 it got through life, but so there was one night, 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:42.520 this is fifteen years ago, where I was feeling quite 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:44.359 low in energy. So I had like a three month 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:47.000 four month old baby when I did Dancing at the Stars, 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:49.120 so she went from three months to six months over 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:51.599 that time. And there was one weekend I was feeling 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.640 real tired. It was a two dance show and I thought, 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:56.800 I'm going to have a red bull. I don't drink 0:04:56.800 --> 0:04:59.719 coffee and I've never really can know, and I suddenly 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.119 it was oh, I remember. I still feel like really 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:04.400 angry at myself, but I did it because I got 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:09.560 really floppy and I couldn't hit anything sharply and I 0:05:09.640 --> 0:05:12.000 knew it was the red bull. And that was the 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:13.760 night I went home and it was just this whole 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:16.880 kind of like, yeah, this whole kind of like why 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:19.400 did I do that? I could have been so much better? 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:21.120 Well, how far did you make it through? 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:25.200 I was only not in two shows, so wow, it 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:25.719 felt good? 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:26.520 Yeah, pretty far. 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.839 But at that time it was an early days I 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:33.800 got eliminated. It felt like the shortened street person was 0:05:33.800 --> 0:05:37.120 eliminated at the female was eliminated on the same show. 0:05:37.160 --> 0:05:40.560 I know that's controversial to say it's not actually about that, 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:43.559 but it would just so happen, not Mariamah or people 0:05:43.600 --> 0:05:46.960 later on, but it was the same week. It was like, Okay, 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:48.840 we've got bums and seats, now you can go. 0:05:50.200 --> 0:05:51.080 It's so ruthers. 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:54.960 When I was doing it, I genuinely can't comprehend how 0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:58.000 you did this with a three month old, Like I 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:00.720 had no humans that I was looking after and I 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:01.960 couldn't function, or. 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.240 I had two humans I was talking after. One would 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:06.560 just happen to be a little baby. I think for me, 0:06:06.920 --> 0:06:11.320 like if you know me, well, you know that I 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:15.040 tend to pack it in, not intentionally, but like, well, 0:06:15.040 --> 0:06:16.920 this just seems to be the right time to do it. 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:19.960 And when they asked me to do it, and my 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:24.120 brain I went, oh, third season, such a synic, probably 0:06:24.160 --> 0:06:27.280 won't do more than four. I've got to do it now. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:31.200 There won't be another chart retrospect. I was so wrong, 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.159 and so I just and I hadn't been on Telly 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:37.359 for a couple of years, and I hadn't been working, 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:38.760 I'd been a mum, and I think there was a 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:41.080 piece of me that wanted to earn some money and 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:44.440 have some worth in that space, and also just wanted 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:46.159 to get back out there and do something that was 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:51.839 me centric. But I don't want to boys who not 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:52.440 at all. 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:52.880 Not at all, do you. 0:06:53.040 --> 0:06:56.320 But for me, the contract was I'm a real contract person, 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:58.960 and it basically said, we're in Wellington all weekend and 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:00.520 through the course of the week, you need to do 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:03.159 ten hours of dance training. And I was like, I 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:05.240 can do that. I can do that with my babies. 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:09.640 And then it was about the fifth show and I 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:15.440 was talking to I think Lorraine Downs's partner, dance partner, 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:17.520 and he was just like, I don't know how you're 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:19.760 doing it, and I said, it is. We're all doing 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:21.520 it the same way, aren't We's like two hours of 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:24.840 dance a day and he was like what, and I 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:27.160 was like, well, the contract like two hours of dance 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:29.320 training a day was like on a lorrain and I 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:31.440 are in the studio eight hours a day, six hours 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:34.280 a day. And I went I went, well, I didn't 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:37.280 kind of go, you're cheating, but in my brain it 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:39.680 had never been suggested to me that we could dance 0:07:40.000 --> 0:07:44.120 more than ten hours, and I committed to ten hours 0:07:44.200 --> 0:07:49.200 a week and on a two dance week, that was 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:51.679 not a lot of time for Johnny. And he didn't 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:53.760 ever say to me, hey, have you got more hours 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:56.920 than you? And I just cried and cried and cried, 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.360 and I lost all well to live and went well 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.480 if I know when you know, it was just and 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:03.680 that was it. It just it just fell over. Oh. 0:08:03.760 --> 0:08:05.160 I we were doing like. 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:06.760 We were in the studio up to ten hours a 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.960 day for were eleven weeks straight. Didn't have a single 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:13.559 day off because were you doing two shows or one show? 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:16.239 We did one show? 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:18.160 Yeah, so we did the two So we were doing 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.600 the Sunday Mondays and then yeah, Davi your dancing by 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:22.600 like the Wednesday, and so we literally had no days off. 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:23.400 It was crazy. 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:25.360 And by the end of it, you're just like so 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:27.400 exhausted and just so ready to be done. 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:30.280 But I felt like I felt that same exhaustion. 0:08:29.960 --> 0:08:32.120 Ready to be done when I did Treasure Island as well, 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:34.160 which was more recent for you. 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:35.520 When did you do Treasure Island? 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.199 I did Treasure Island in twenty twenty. 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:41.200 Wow, Oh, so that would have been the COVID twenty twenty. 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:43.360 No, so that's when we came out. It was the 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:45.719 one out of the COVID. Oh yeah, so no, so 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:48.280 we meant to do it twenty twenty and we did 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:52.000 it twenty twenty one, right, so it got ditched and 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:55.839 then reprised. And yeah, when I look back home, man, 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:01.719 that was a whole different kind of broken. And it's 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.680 for me, And it seems so basic to say out aloud. 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:08.200 And I don't know why I didn't think of it 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.880 as going to be the niggle point. But I think 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:14.199 a lack of food, a lack of sleep, and a 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:16.640 lack of connection to people that mean something to you, 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:21.640 for me personally just derails me. And I didn't think 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.040 about that as a thing. I was so obsessed with, 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:29.200 you know, perception and people going they're going to try 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:31.840 and bait you and turn you into this agitated person. 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:34.080 I was like, no, I can, you know I can. 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:37.959 And it just wasn't about that. It was stripping away 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:44.080 basic need no food, no sleep, a real sense of 0:09:44.240 --> 0:09:48.200 like I'm having to survive and no person there that's 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:51.920 like your person. Yeah, yeah, it was. 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:56.440 It sounds like we had kind of similar Rish experiences 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:59.360 with Treasure Island and then even kind of the aftermath. 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.040 I was talking to a of mine this morning saying 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:03.199 that I was about to interview and they were just like, man, 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:05.400 I think she had a real rough time on the 0:10:05.440 --> 0:10:08.040 island of what that whatever they eat it was, which again, 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:12.760 people do not comprehend that reality TV is not reality, 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:14.920 Like there's so many things that can be edited and skewed, 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:16.640 and like, I know that for me, a lot of 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:20.120 the times the producers would really kind of try and 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:22.079 pull out a story or be like, well, did you 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:24.280 see those people like over there talking and when you're 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:26.840 tired and you haven't eaten and all of that, you're like, 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:28.880 oh my gosh, everyone hates me, Like I was, just 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:32.800 it was it was so hard. Did you when when 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.440 the show then came out, what was the response like, 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:37.600 and how did you feel? 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:43.640 Yeah? That's a whole different ballgame, isn't it. And and 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.320 that's also the thing that I was very unprepared for. 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:52.720 And that was the worst part of it because when 0:10:52.760 --> 0:10:55.560 I was we still call it the island, even though 0:10:56.960 --> 0:11:01.600 in nor the Island. When we were on the island, 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:05.840 I thought I was pretty good at well not pretty good. 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:08.920 It's my default. If there's a camera there, then we're working, 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:11.240 you know, if there's a mic on me, then we're working. 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:14.439 And as soon as they went I was in rest mode. 0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:16.480 So I think a lot of people were like, oh, wow, 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:18.400 you really got into it. And I was like, when 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:20.760 the camera was there, like when the camera's not there, 0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:24.160 I was just sitting there, you know, chilling, doing nothing. 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:30.680 So I definitely gave good I'm here to play a 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:37.719 game for you know, the show, But yeah, I don't know. 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:39.840 When it came to air, I was just I was 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.800 really thrown by what other people had said about me, 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:46.160 which I didn't expect to be thrown by and also 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:48.160 didn't expect to have it said about me, and it 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:52.079 felt so it felt so left of field because I 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:57.040 couldn't see the person that they were seeing, and they 0:11:57.040 --> 0:11:59.880 almost had created this really competitive person. I was like, 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:03.360 it's just not me. I'm just you've asked me to 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:05.280 play a game. I'm here and I'm playing it when 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:08.360 you were here filming. But that's the beginning and the 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:13.079 end of it. And yeah, I think for me, I 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:17.800 was started off with a whole lot of you know, 0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:22.640 Sports Stars was a very different sort of personality type 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.400 to mine, and it was all and we got very 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:29.160 quickly into what you're here to offer, what you bring, 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:33.000 and it became really clear immediately that they felt I 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:36.880 bought nothing because I didn't have any physical strength, and 0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:41.640 I was just like so thrown by, Oh, I'm in 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:46.080 this space nothing that you see of value. And so 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:48.480 it did take a good sort of eight days or 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:52.360 something for them to be a team adjustment. And then 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:56.680 I found people but were also not sports stars, that 0:12:56.760 --> 0:12:59.880 were just having fun and doing best thing ready for 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:02.960 and which is something that actors do, like basically, you know, 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.440 the best thing about your day or something that you learned, 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:10.040 and I felt really comforted and that for me was 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:14.199 where the fun happened. And watching it was exactly like that. 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:17.280 So it started off being really hard to watch, and 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.640 I literally would watch it with all my family and 0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:22.360 all my friends, so we'd all be watching it at 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:25.360 the same time and in like a zoom so that 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.080 in the ads we could mute it and they could 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.080 sit there and I could debrief and they were going, 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.400 no that read well and like because I just needed 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:36.600 so much kind of off the ledge chat and I 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:38.520 didn't think I thought I was stronger than that. 0:13:39.200 --> 0:13:42.439 Yeah, I really, I mean I literally felt the same. 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:44.959 Like watching I think what was really hard about something 0:13:45.000 --> 0:13:48.240 like that is one everything that you experience is obviously 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:51.600 so long before it even years, like it's everything that 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:54.600 happens on the island, and then suddenly you're seeing it 0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:57.000 back and it's kind of different to what you remember. 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:58.880 And I was. 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:01.319 Really taken aback by the fact that I didn't know 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:03.760 how it was going to come across or how people 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:05.760 what people were going to say. And I was actually 0:14:05.760 --> 0:14:08.160 pretty much fine through the whole thing until they there 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.200 was a storyline that didn't actually happen that came out 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:11.560 for mine. 0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:14.160 And then finding out and seeing. 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.160 It with the rest of the country I think is 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:18.960 a really hard thing as well, Like you're hearing these 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:23.000 things about yourself alongside everyone else, and it's it's really difficult. 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:26.360 And I mean, but there are such fun moments on 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:28.720 that show as well, right, but I do think like 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:32.400 it it just tests you so much with like you said, 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:34.560 not eating, not doing any of that, and not having 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:36.960 people like there was one night I went up with 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:40.360 the producer and just like lost, like bawling my eyes 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:42.480 out to the point of like I need to quit, 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:43.680 Like I cannot do this. 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:45.480 She's like no, stay And I ended up. 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:48.360 Getting eliminated a few days later anyway, so which I'm 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:50.800 very thankful for now. I mean, my first shower after 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:53.280 that show, and it was like brown as it was 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:55.400 like as the showers going. It was so gross because 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:58.920 we were in Queen, Wanica and the lake was freezing, 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:01.160 so like we didn't want to be out there, but 0:15:01.320 --> 0:15:03.200 you know, it was just disgusting. 0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:05.400 But how doy TV's weird? 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:07.720 Do you think it was also hard for you because 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:10.680 you've grown up, like you've done all of your a 0:15:10.680 --> 0:15:11.640 lot of your on screen stuff. 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:14.360 You're playing someone else and all these shows it's you. 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:17.360 Yeah, yeah, and that's been And I don't want to 0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:19.440 take anything away from the people that watched the show 0:15:19.480 --> 0:15:22.280 and watched me and supported me and actually enjoyed me, 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:28.440 because that that's important. But we're breaking it down into 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:34.000 actually what it was like. But I think, yes, since 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.960 since doing stuff outside of scripted work, which has only 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:43.080 happened in the last set of ten years, I and 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:46.160 also doing my new job, you know, real estate, it's 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:49.560 that real thing of like who am I? Who am I? 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.760 Playing a character? Five days a week and going where 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.960 do you start and where does she stop? And so yeah, 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.520 I think that was probably the polarizing bit for me. 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:04.080 I was myself on TV, but it was me and 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:06.640 I was saying it, and there was nothing, you know, 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:10.080 and I didn't say anything bad about anybody or anything, 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:13.400 but you could see that I was emotionally fraught and 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:17.680 struggling and watching yourself in that space and knowing that 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.320 everyone else is watching as well. It's just like opening 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:23.000 your diary or opening your ribcage and going come in 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:26.400 and see all the that layers underneath. And I was 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:28.800 just like, oh, I don't know if I can have 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:30.760 people see me this fragile. 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:33.840 I fully understand that, and I think, you know, for me, 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:37.600 that's kind of been what I got. I hate saying 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:38.920 it's such a weird thing to say. What I got 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:42.000 knowing for was literally like, here's all of my life trauma. 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:45.840 And so people saw that. But for people that have 0:16:45.920 --> 0:16:49.160 grown up or have kind of lived careers like yourself 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:51.080 or like sports stars or people that have been in 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.840 the public eye, and there is this kind of way 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:56.040 that you need to hold yourself when you get used 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:57.920 to holding yourself to kind of be able to, I 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:02.440 guess handle that. To then have people see some of 0:17:02.480 --> 0:17:05.040 the stuff that you're struggling with is like it's hard, 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:07.200 and it's frightening and it's scary. But I also think 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.080 it's what humanizes you. And it's like you can be 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:14.560 this rock star five days a week on TV and 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:17.160 also be a real life human and I think people 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:21.280 often disconnect that and only see you as this person 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:24.159 who they were seeing on TV, but actually there's so 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:25.200 much more behind there. 0:17:25.520 --> 0:17:27.720 How old were you when you got cast on Fallen Street? 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.520 I was nineteen woweah? 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:32.360 And you were on it for how many years? 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:37.080 I mean about twenty five? But sometime some parts of 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:39.560 that I was directing, and then most of the time 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:40.199 I was acting. 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:44.280 Dang, I was reading. While I was doing the research 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:46.520 for this. There was kind of someone who did like 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:49.040 a roundup of your character, which I was just like, 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:50.440 oh my gosh. It was not like a round but 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:52.439 just like the things that your character went through, and 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:55.520 I just I was shook by all of this. You 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:59.920 survived full marriages? No, it says you survived full marriage. 0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:02.800 Did you know? Was it a lie? Well? 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.320 I mean, let's see, she got married to Nick Harrison, 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.760 for the the what do you do in university to 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:11.080 get the money when you're married. I didn't go to university. 0:18:11.160 --> 0:18:14.119 I don't know. The yeah allowancy. 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:15.879 Thing, yeah, something like that. So that wasn't a that 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:18.359 was a wedding. It was like a you know, a 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.480 protesting thing. Okay, so it wasn't a real wedding. And 0:18:21.520 --> 0:18:26.000 then there was no one else. And then before they 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:29.159 brought me back. At one point I came back for 0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:32.600 like a special birthday or something and so and had 0:18:32.600 --> 0:18:35.320 an affair with Chris and I had I don't know 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:37.440 if I was married to him, but I had a partner. 0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:41.120 And then Chris Warner is the person that I married, So. 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:44.080 Maybe I don't know where they got marriages from. Four people. 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:46.840 Cautless explosions. 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.560 I mean, there's always an explosion. There's always on Shorty Street. 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:53.800 I've been in a part of them and I've filmed them, 0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:56.880 and they tend to be pretty awesome but also very 0:18:58.080 --> 0:18:59.880 you get one hit at it, right. So I had 0:18:59.880 --> 0:19:03.120 the major one one day where Rachel is an alcoholic 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:05.159 and she'd been driving drunk and she caused a terrible 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:07.240 accident and there was a burning car and there was 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:09.399 a baby in the back of the burning car. Oh, 0:19:09.440 --> 0:19:11.000 I had to get the baby out and then I 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.439 had to run away, and the key shot was me 0:19:13.600 --> 0:19:16.560 running with the baby and the car exploding in the background. 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.960 You get one shot it at multiple cameras, and I remember, 0:19:20.720 --> 0:19:23.320 you know, you just don't want to do anything terrible 0:19:23.480 --> 0:19:26.040 that's going to muck it up. And I feel like 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:29.359