WEBVTT - Bree Tomasel - Living in a world not built for you 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:02.560 The ZiTm Podcast Network. 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:07.880 I just was so completely terrified in that moment, but 0:00:07.920 --> 0:00:11.400 I just remember instantly having this feeling of oh, I'm 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:13.840 going to die here. Now I look back on it 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:16.680 in a completely different way, where I'm lying you were 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:19.680 trying to do things in a world that wasn't really 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:20.279 built for you. 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.319 Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of Hope Is Real 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:27.720 the podcast. The podcast designed to help you feel a 0:00:27.720 --> 0:00:29.840 little less alone, a bit more inspired, and. 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:32.280 Of course, as always a lot more hopeful. 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:36.200 Now this is my final interview episode of the season. 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:38.840 I've got one more episode coming up next week, which 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:39.839 Isn't Asked Me Anything. 0:00:39.880 --> 0:00:41.680 Submit your questions. We're going to be answering a whole 0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:42.080 lot of them. 0:00:42.600 --> 0:00:45.919 But this episode, I have one of my favorite humans 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:49.199 on this planet, and I don't say that lightly. If 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:52.160 you live in New Zealand, even if maybe live in Australia, 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:55.120 you might know who this person is. Brie Thomas l 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:58.360 She is from the Bri and Clint Show on ZiTm, 0:00:58.440 --> 0:00:59.160 the Drive show. 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:01.480 You may ener honestly Britishish Island. 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:05.720 She has recently just released a book called Unapologetically Me. 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:10.840 Bree's story is I don't even really know how to 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:13.280 explain it. Honestly, you're just gonna have to listen to it. 0:01:14.200 --> 0:01:17.560 She has gone through some crazy things and has come 0:01:17.600 --> 0:01:20.640 out the other side and has chosen to speak about 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:23.200 this so that other people don't feel so alone. And 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:25.240 I will, as always put it a bit of a 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:28.760 trigger warning. On this episode. We do talk about the 0:01:28.959 --> 0:01:32.039 specific trauma that is involved with it, which is around 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:36.120 a home invasion, which is a very traumatic home invasion, 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.080 which does go into detail. But if at any point 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:40.679 in time you feel like you need to take a 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:44.280 break or anything like that, as always, you can pause this, 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:45.600 you can come back to it, you can choose some 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:46.440 We'll come back to it as well. 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:46.960 That's okay. 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:50.200 Breach out for help if you need it, contact your 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:54.080 local helplines, talk to friends and family members. If anything 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:55.920 in this episode comes up and you feel like you 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:57.040 want to chat, that's okay. 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:01.320 But Bri and her incredible story as coming up right 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:08.799 after this. Brie, welcome to Hope, as were all the podcast. 0:02:09.440 --> 0:02:11.240 I feel honored, Jazz, I feel. 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:11.880 Honored that you're here. 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:13.880 This is I was thinking about it when I was 0:02:13.919 --> 0:02:16.440 driving in to do this. I don't know how many 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:20.280 years I've been doing interviews on your show for I 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.680 think every season of this podcast. I've come on and chatted. 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:24.919 I've managed to dig up a photo of I think 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:28.000 when I think it was before the first but the 0:02:28.040 --> 0:02:29.919 first podcast episode came out, and it would have been 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:31.680 maybe when a book came out or something of you 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:34.600 guys before we were actually friends. So we've been doing 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:35.880 I don't know how many interviews. 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:38.160 Don't don't out me on how old I am and 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:41.040 how long I've been doing radio, but yes, we've knownly 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:42.160 done it for a long time. 0:02:43.120 --> 0:02:45.680 In it will be seven years at the end of 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:46.519 this year. Wow. 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:49.320 Yeah, you know what it would have been Girl on 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:50.920 the Bridge when the movie came out. I think I 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:53.959 did a and I think that'll be on Oh my Goodness. 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:55.520 For those who don't know or if you're not from 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:58.040 New Zealand, Brie is the one of the drive hosts 0:02:58.040 --> 0:02:59.440 from the print Print. 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.680 Show Short at the Branklin. 0:03:03.320 --> 0:03:06.400 Show on zid in which also this is part of 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:07.560 the zitim podcast network. 0:03:07.600 --> 0:03:10.400 But you have just had a book. 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:13.839 Come out which I been read in a day, which, 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:15.800 first of all, to anyone who knows me, knows I 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:19.119 don't do that. Did you binge read in a whole day. Yeah, 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:20.919 Like I literally said, I did not put it down. 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:24.720 I could not put it down, and I knew, being 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:28.760 honest with me, one hundred my friends ask my housemates, 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:30.000 I missed the shoe as well. 0:03:30.040 --> 0:03:31.320 I'm pretty sure you did. 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:32.679 You send me such a lot. 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:35.760 It was like, this was insane, and now my housemates 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:36.800 are all reading it as well. 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:39.920 And after I read it, like like I said, i'd. 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:42.240 Kind of I've known you for a long time, I know, 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:43.880 but some pieces of your story and I've wanted you 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:45.720 to come on this podcast for a while, but you 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:49.200 hadn't really talked about a lot of this stuff publicly 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:50.360 before this. 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:52.120 Book kind of came out into the world. 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:53.920 And I do want to get to there, but I 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:56.320 would love to just kind of go literally right back 0:03:56.320 --> 0:03:56.880 to the start. 0:03:57.560 --> 0:03:58.920 What was life like growing up for you? 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:02.880 Life was amazing as a kid, Like I grew up 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:06.080 on an apple orchard farm kid. 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:08.600 I don't think I wore shoes till I was like five. 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:13.400 It was just, yeah, an incredible childhood, Like I had 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:18.080 have amazing parents and we just had this really kind 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:21.480 of I lived in a bubble really like country kids 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:26.560 we live in a very naive bubble and yeah, it 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:30.159 was awesome, like, played a lot of sport, loved school, 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:32.440 loved everything until obviously. 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:34.160 Yeah, I talk about it in the book. 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.480 A really traumatic event that happened to me when I 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:40.159 was nine years old, and I feel like from that 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:43.520 day it set me on a different path. And you know, 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:47.680 that bubble was definitely burst and yeah, changed my life forever. 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:52.840 I still remember the exact moment where we were when 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:55.039 you first told me about what had happened when you 0:04:55.080 --> 0:04:58.920 were nine, and we were I was driving you home 0:04:58.960 --> 0:05:00.599 from it, went to the comedy show, and then we 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:02.000 went to an after party together, and then I was 0:05:02.080 --> 0:05:04.680 driving that's right. Yeah, And I remember it because I 0:05:04.680 --> 0:05:06.760 remember being in the car with you and you started 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:08.520 talking about this, but at the same time you were 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:10.320 also like, I mean, it's not as bad as and 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:10.680 I was. 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:14.359 Like, Brie, but it was so like to the fact, 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:15.080 I still. 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:19.120 Remember like every aspect of that conversation because what you 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:21.599 went through and then reading it kind of and the book, 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:24.480 it just was so it's so insane. 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:27.760 Can you tell people who haven't read the book? Ye, yeah, 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:29.200 what happened when you and I? 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:33.320 Yeah, so I was home from school because I was 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:37.279 sick at the time, and my mum, me and my 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:39.480 brother we went into town to visit my nan. So 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:41.720 we lived on the outskirts of town, so like about 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:45.080 fifteen minutes outside of Stanthorpe where I lived, where I lived, 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.560 and we went to visit my nan, who lived in 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:48.240 the township. 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:50.200 And it was just a. 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:55.480 Normal day visiting my nan. And I remember I was 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.599 sitting at the kitchen table and there was a knock 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:02.320 at the door. And in a country town, you know, 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:05.479 people pop over ask for a cup of sugar, That's 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:09.120 what it's really like. And my Nan made her way 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:13.159 to the front door, and I just remember immediately knowing 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:17.640 that something wasn't right, and it's a feeling that you 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:20.479 never want to get where it takes over your entire body. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:24.240 And I remember hearing these voices of these two men 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:27.599 who pushed their way inside and they were holding my 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:31.920 nan at knife point. And I mean, as a kid 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:35.159 growing up in the country, I had never experienced anything 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.880 like that, never seen anything like that, never heard about 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:41.920 anything like that. But I just remember instantly having this 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:45.680 feeling of, oh, I'm going to die here, and as 0:06:45.720 --> 0:06:51.000 a nine year old, like I just was so completely 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:57.080 terrified in that moment, and I just remember I kept 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.800 looking at my mum and my Nan, who was so 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:05.039 harm and I think it was because I was in 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:07.719 the room and they didn't want to panic me more. 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:11.120 And it was at one point where one of the 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:17.920 guys started ransacking the house and they were they were addicts, 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:20.800 looking for a quick buck, looking for whatever they could get. 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.920 That's what they were doing. And so one was ransacking 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:24.360 the house. 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.800 And it was at that point that the other one 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:29.600 who had sat my Nan down at that point, became 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.720 really angry because he was asking my mum for the 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:34.800 keys to our car that was parked out the front, 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:39.600 and my mum stood up and handed over her purse 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:43.280 and he pulls out this banking bag because obviously we 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:45.280 had a business and my mum had just done the 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:50.000 banking that day. It's like a calico banking bag. And 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:54.320 he's like, you're fucking with me, Like this is bullshit. 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:57.440 And it was at that point where he threatened to 0:07:57.520 --> 0:08:03.280 take me and kidnap me, and all I remember is 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:11.480 looking at my mom, just completely terrified, and I remember 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:15.800 her saying to him in that moment, you can do 0:08:15.880 --> 0:08:17.000 whatever you want to do. 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:19.920 Just don't hurt my daughter and take me with you. 0:08:20.080 --> 0:08:24.760 I will go. And oh it makes me, it makes 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:25.520 me like I can. 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:28.080 I still remember how I felt, I still remember how 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:31.520 they smelt like. I just remember everything about that moment, 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:36.280 and I truly saw how much my mom would give 0:08:36.360 --> 0:08:38.680 up for me, which was her own life, you know, 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:43.880 and from that day, like, I've never been the same 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:48.200 and my childhood, you know, was never the same from 0:08:48.240 --> 0:08:48.760 that moment. 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:51.200 If you could say anything to those mean, what would 0:08:51.240 --> 0:08:52.960 you say? 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:56.480 I would I don't know if i'd want to say 0:08:56.480 --> 0:08:59.640 anything to them, but I think I'd just be like, 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:07.560 do you understand what your actions and what your decisions 0:09:08.440 --> 0:09:13.040 you made on those days, how they affected people? Because 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:18.600 I don't think people really realize sometimes the lasting effects 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:22.960 you can have on another person. But from that day, 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.000 my mom, my, Nan and I were changed forever. 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.920 I was I'm gonna cry again, but I was crying 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:35.880 when I was reading it in the book because I 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.120 again knowing you and also knowing kind of everything else 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.680 in the book and context of all the stuff that 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:44.319 you went through, but then knowing the person that you are. 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:46.480 And this is why I think I said in the 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:48.560 message to you but the way that you show up 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:52.480 for people, in the way that there is every every 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:54.400 excuse for you to have not become the person that 0:09:54.440 --> 0:09:57.160 you are from that like that and everything else that 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:01.240 you've been through is like it's reckon horrific and like 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:03.360 you said, it changes a person. But you are like 0:10:03.520 --> 0:10:06.800 one of the most loyal people. You Like you were 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:09.320 there for me when my world was flipping upside down, 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.079 Like you're the friend that shows up, and I think 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:16.760 that's just such a testament to your I'm. 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:17.720 Going at a ball as well. 0:10:18.120 --> 0:10:20.719 No, but it has because I remember I did a 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:23.679 video a while ago that was talking about the fact 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.800 that everyone says, like, oh, your trauma made you stronger, 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:29.440 but your trauma traumatized you, and in your case, it 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:33.120 literally changed your entire life. And what made you stronger 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:37.640 was you and whatever you did between nine and now, 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.360 every day that you had to get up and face 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:43.480 it and live with those panicked feelings and things like, 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:46.880 you've just become one of the most phenomenal people that 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:47.200 I know. 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:48.280 Thank you. 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.200 Not because of that, but despite that. 0:10:51.440 --> 0:10:55.959 Yeah, that's honestly one of the nicest things someone has 0:10:55.960 --> 0:10:56.800 ever said about me. 0:10:58.679 --> 0:10:59.760 It's it's a funny thing. 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:02.640 So someone asked me the other day because obviously this 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:07.200 book has opened a lot of conversations, which I'm ready 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:10.400 to have those conversations now, and I'm really proud of 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:13.000 myself that I've been able to be vulnerable enough to 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:17.040 open those doors. But someone asked me, and they said, 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:20.960 what do you think or how do you think you 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:21.400 would be. 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:22.640 If that didn't happen to you? 0:11:23.920 --> 0:11:26.800 And it's something that I'd never thought about before, Like 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:31.360 would I have anxious thoughts? Would I have panic attacks? 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:34.360 Would I have become the person that I am today. 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:40.480 It's such a weird thing to think about and something that, yeah, 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:45.440 I've never really thought about that before. It's kind of 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.000 hard to think about, to be honest, because I feel like, 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:52.520 you know, those two men stole my childhood in a 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:59.400 lot of ways and stole that feeling of lightness, you know, 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:02.240 that I don't think I've ever had since that day. 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.320 Well, I think they didn't just steal your childhood, that 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:06.920 they stole your peace. This is something that didn't just 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:10.760 affect you in your childhood years, and it's so it's 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:12.640 so hard to know. And I've actually been having a 0:12:12.640 --> 0:12:15.200 similar conversation with my therapist. At the moment, we've been 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:19.360 going back through my early child protection files together, and 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:20.720 a lot of the stuff in there from when I 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:23.280 was like three, and that same thing of like I 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.240 wonder the person that I could have been if this 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.960 not happened. But I was speaking at a conference a 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.840 while ago and I got asked to speak on resilience, 0:12:32.840 --> 0:12:34.320 and I feel like resilience is a word that we 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:37.320 just hear constantly all the time, and I was like, 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:38.839 I want to do something different with this, and I 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:42.680 ended up finding a definition that it wasn't talking about humans, 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:44.960 but it was talking about objects, And the definition of 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:48.400 resilience and objects is to be able to return back 0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:52.480 to original form. And thinking about that in this context 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:55.280 of what your life could have been without that, I 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:58.400 think almost the journey of your adult life and through 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:00.400 your teen years has been trying to get back to 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:02.480 that original form, that kid who. 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:03.800 Was happy, who was carefree. 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:08.120 Like that's the journey, and that's the part that even 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:10.360 you know for me as well, of like getting back 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:12.760 to the happy, bubbly girl that was once described in 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.400 those files. Resilience isn't just about facing through the storm 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:18.600 and now I have to work you know about how 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.880 do you kind of restore what once was? 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:26.920 That's such an interesting definition and like as you were saying, 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:30.720 and I was like, oh my god, it's so because 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:33.440 you know what, I feel like, there's and you'd be 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:33.960 the same. 0:13:34.120 --> 0:13:36.880 There's those parts of me that I still have. 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.600 But then I feel like it's quite amazed sometimes to 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:44.360 get back to there. And so I feel like, you know, 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:47.679 if those traumatic events didn't happen, would it just be 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:50.280 more of a straight shot maze to be able to 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:53.040 get and unlock those parts of yourself, you know, those 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:58.320 the bubbly, happy light parts yourself, Like, would it just 0:13:58.360 --> 0:14:01.640 be easier to get back there? Whereas now you have 0:14:02.080 --> 0:14:05.560 these barriers or these you know, walls where you have 0:14:05.600 --> 0:14:07.760 to figure it out more and it takes time. 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:09.600 Yeah, it takes a lot of time. 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.640 And it's also like, when stuff like that happens, there's 0:14:12.679 --> 0:14:14.840 so many different aspects of your life that has affected 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:18.040 your trust in people. The PTSD of it. I don't 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:19.920 did you ever get diagnosed with PTSD. 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:22.000 It's interesting. 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:24.320 I went to a psychologist once, this was quite a 0:14:24.440 --> 0:14:28.480 few years ago, who I told, like, I talked to 0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:31.120 him about, you know, that event in my life and 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:33.640 I was like, you know, I feel like I could 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:37.240 have PTSD, Like I don't obviously, I'm not an expert. 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.640 I'm not really sure, but and he kind of looked 0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:43.160 at me and said, you know, I don't know if 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:43.760 that's right. 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:45.720 I don't know if this is connected with this. 0:14:46.120 --> 0:14:49.120 And from that moment I kind of just shut it 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:50.960 down and was like, oh, well, he says that it 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:51.920 wouldn't be the case. 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:53.640 But it's interesting. 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.800 A friend of mine who has a psychology degree read 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:58.680 my book and she knows me very well, and she 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:02.240 goes for him to say that there's no chance of 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:08.080 you having PTSD is mind blowing to me, you know. Yeah, 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:11.280 And so that's something, yeah, that I've also taken from 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:14.840 this process and hopefully we'll find out more in the 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:15.920 future about. 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:18.560 Yeah, I mean, it would one hundred percent makes sense 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.480 purely for the fact that you can still me with 0:15:20.480 --> 0:15:22.280 the smell of them and like their voice and all 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:24.120 that kind of stuff, Like so much of that is 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:28.440 related and I don't know if this has happened, you know, 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:30.000 I really kind of hope that you never have to 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:32.720 run into the smell of that again. But that's a 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.280 lot of the stuff with those kind of traumatic events. 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:37.600 I did a bunch of exposure therapy for mine. So 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.920 one of the things that I couldn't handle was sunflowers, 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:42.760 which sounds really stupid, but for me, one of the 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:45.520 things that happened when I was super young, one of 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:50.000 the assaults from someone within my household was in a 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:53.040 sunflower shed, and so I remember seeing the sunflowers and then. 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:55.000 I would have this like visceral reaction to some. 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:57.840 Flowers when I see them out and that was just 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:02.080 the brain being like just auto associating it. Or if 0:16:02.120 --> 0:16:04.200 you walk past someone in a mall and you smell 0:16:04.640 --> 0:16:07.680 the smell of those people, immediately you're back there and 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.160 being able to remember a lot of those things as 0:16:10.400 --> 0:16:12.880 things that especially like the fact that that psychologist would 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:18.760 be like, oh, nothing's related, like nuts, Like it's you're 0:16:18.840 --> 0:16:22.920 nine years old, You're being threatened to be kidnapped by 0:16:22.920 --> 0:16:25.800 these people who are holding a knife to your nanna. 0:16:26.960 --> 0:16:30.240 How did this How did this situation like resolve? 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.560 Yeah, it was I think, like thinking back on it 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:36.960 now and I can remember every single thing that happened. 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:40.280 It was it was in this moment where my mum 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:43.600 was pleading with this guy that she would go with 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:46.160 him to the bank. She would do whatever he wanted 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.000 as long as he didn't take me. And it was 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:51.640 at that point that the other guy came back into 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:57.240 the situation from ransacking the house, and thank god, he 0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:02.280 had a more level headed thought where he was like, 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:05.160 we don't want to do that, Let's leave these people, 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:10.440 and he calmed the other guy down, thank god. And 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:12.880 I know this is like so ridiculous, but I'm so 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:18.320 grateful for that person him in that moment where he, yeah, 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:24.440 pretty much shut down that situation and they left. 0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:25.200 Did at any point. 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.359 So the guy, the one that was threatening to do that, 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:31.840 he was one that's holding the knife to your yes, nansa. 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:33.120 Did he attend to mine? 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:33.879 He held it to ye. 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:34.520 Yeah. 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:38.000 At that point, he'd sat my hand down, and I remember, 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:39.919 because I was quite a scorny kid, like I was 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:43.320 quite a little scorny nine year old, and I remember 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.760 my feet just being able to touch the ground because 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:49.160 he was holding me with one arm and then kind 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:52.399 of had this knife so pressed up against my throat 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:55.480 that it was basically like I couldn't speak because it 0:17:55.560 --> 0:18:01.560 was there was so much pressure, and he obviously wasn't 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:04.040 in his right mind. Like and you could tell that 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:10.760 where everything he was saying, he wasn't thinking properly. And 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.600 it was so interesting because after that happened, like the 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:20.040 events that unfolded afterwards, like I had to go as 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:21.919 a part of the court proceedings, I had to go 0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:25.679 to a child psychologist and they had to assess me 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.240 and deem weather it had had lasting effects on me, 0:18:30.760 --> 0:18:33.000 And I remember my mum never told me, like she 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:34.960 just kind of you know, she tried to shelter me 0:18:35.000 --> 0:18:37.200 as much as she could. But obviously over the years 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:40.399 we've talked about stuff where she has been like, you know, 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:45.879 the report from that child psychologist was that you definitely 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:47.360 had lasting effects. 0:18:47.440 --> 0:18:48.639 Did you ever look at that report? 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:49.760 I've never seen it. 0:18:49.920 --> 0:18:52.200 You know you can, Yeah, I don't know if you should, 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:52.640 but you can. 0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:56.119 Yeah. It would be interesting and maybe something I'll do 0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:56.760 in the future. 0:18:57.000 --> 0:19:00.199 Yeah, it's I only asked because eggin going through all 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:02.919 the files with my psychologist at the moment, there's an 0:19:02.960 --> 0:19:05.160 interview with me from when I was three years old 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:06.960 that's in there and they kind of document it word 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:11.600 for word, which is insane, But also what made. 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:12.400 You decide to do that? 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:15.879 Where you were like I want to open up those 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:20.840 files from obviously the darkest time in your life and 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:24.960 work through those What gave you the courage to be 0:19:25.000 --> 0:19:26.640 able to be like, I'm ready to do that? 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:31.160 I think that to be honest, I started to get 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:34.919 a lot more kind of PTSD symptoms that were starting 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:37.359 to come back up again, and there was some of 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:39.919 it there, especially from the earlier years that I have 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:43.280 blacked out completely and also just don't really understand because 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:47.679 it was so missy like, and so I just was like, 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:51.840 I'm sick of this controlling my life and my relationships, 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:55.160 and like I'm still so afraid of people being close 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:55.440 to me. 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:57.160