WEBVTT - Dr Justin Coulson on what's really worrying our kids 0:00:01.480 --> 0:00:04.640 Hi, I'm Louise Ari and I'm Francisca Rudkin, and welcome 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:07.000 to season five of our New Zealand Here podcasts The 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:08.920 Little Things. Thanks for being with us. 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:11.360 Welcome to our podcast and we're here to figure out 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:14.600 life little things, the everyday stuff that can feel surprisingly 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:17.400 big at times. We chat with experts who help us 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:19.680 make sense of it all, and sare ideas that we 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:22.560 think matter no matter what age or stage you're at. 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:24.400 And I think of this as a shortcut through all 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:26.640 the noise straight to the good stuff that makes a difference. 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:29.000 Okay, we've got one of our favorite guests back today. 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:32.640 I'm going to introducem Early dtor Justin Colson. He is 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:35.400 back for another episode. Last time he joined us, he 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:38.160 gave us some beautiful, simple and effective advice on raising 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.960 our kids. Remember the whole love you no matter what? 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.320 That was in early twenty twenty four. I could have 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:48.120 sworn it was longer ago, but that's because so much 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:52.280 has probably happened since we last spoke to him. Well, 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:56.480 our kids have kind of flywn the coop, Well they have? Yeah, No, 0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:00.280 that's so true. One, you know, Mike, one of my 0:01:00.360 --> 0:01:02.040 kids is about to finish their first year at Union. 0:01:02.040 --> 0:01:05.280 One's about to finish school, and I'm excited about that. 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:08.160 It's quite a wild staring. I'm excited. 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:13.280 And conversations change between yes, having a school age child 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:16.880 at home under your roof to having you know, the 0:01:17.040 --> 0:01:19.240 semi kind of young adults. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:23.399 But the worry never goes away for a parent or 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:24.279 for our young people. 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:27.320 Do they know My oldest has just finished his university 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:30.760 degree and is starting work and I still, you know, 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:33.440 keep a pretty not a super close eye on things, 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:35.800 but I worry from time to time. And yeah, I 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:38.840 just I guess I think how far our kids have 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:42.080 come since we spoke to Justin, and also kind of 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:46.319 how far we've come. You know, each child leaving is different. 0:01:46.560 --> 0:01:46.720 You know. 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:49.520 I was weepy and said when the oldest left, and 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:51.760 less weepy and said when in the middle one, which 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:53.840 is not a reflection on her, that's that's me learning 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:55.840 to live things. Then she threw us for a loop 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:58.640 on a couple of things and worked through those, and 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:02.000 I guess, yeah, it's all just time and experience, isn't it. 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.080 So we thought we'd get Justin back today to talk 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:07.320 a little bit about how we support our kids with 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:10.320 their worries, with what their concerns are. Have you do 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:12.760 in preparation for this podcast? Did you actually ask any 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:14.240 of your kids what they worry about these days? 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:14.760 Sure? 0:02:14.800 --> 0:02:15.000 Did? 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:19.359 Yeah, and you'll see as we as the conversation hopefully 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:22.480 unfills with Justin. But the big ones for my kids 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:26.880 are the pressure of social media, not so much worrying 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:29.440 about getting scammed and that kind of stuff, just just 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:32.079 more kind of almost like they want to say, leave 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:34.600 me alone, just leave me alone. And I'm like, you can, 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:36.440 you can get it to leave you alone. But they're 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.119 not there yet, so I don't know how it all works. 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:40.919 I don't know how they got sacked, and I don't 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:42.919 know what the addiction of the DOPA meant any of that, 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:45.799 But that is a worry for them. Other than that, 0:02:46.200 --> 0:02:47.720 you know, they worry about the normal things. 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:49.480 Will I get a job? Will I have some money? 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:52.359 Will I you know? Will somebody love me? 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:58.079 I had two completely different reactions from my children. One 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:01.560 struggle to find anything to worry about, which kind of 0:03:01.560 --> 0:03:04.520 which is great, sums that child up perfectly happy, go 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:06.840 lucky and everything. But at she then said to me, 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:08.959 I worry about the things that are directly in front 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:10.959 of me. I worry about the what is directly in 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:12.519 front of me now, like I just want to finish, 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:14.959 finish university. I need to find somewhere to live next year. 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:16.959 I'd like to have a job so I can pay. 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:17.160 For all this. 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:20.480 So, you know, my son is very much what's the 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:22.240 problem in front of me? What do I need to get? 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.760 Sort of wanted to do, that's what that's what I 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:27.680 worry about. My other child was very much along the 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:33.320 lines of I worry about everything, but that was potentially 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.680 to be expected. It was a pretty stupid question for 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:37.920 me to ask. But then she said something I thought 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:40.360 was really interesting. She says, I don't worry about the 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:42.080 things I can control, and I've worked out what I 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:43.840 can control of my life, and that's mostly things to 0:03:43.840 --> 0:03:46.000 do with me. I can control my grades and how 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:47.880 while I do at school, if I work hard. I 0:03:47.920 --> 0:03:50.160 can control my social media. I can just be off 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:51.480 it and choose what I want to be on. I 0:03:51.480 --> 0:03:54.960 can control this. So has gone out of their way 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.560 to take control over the things they worry about, and 0:03:57.600 --> 0:03:59.360 then the things they worry about other things they have 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:02.280 no control over, and that the world is filled with idiots, 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:03.240 and I've said, you're just going to have to be 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:04.960 a little bit of radical acceptance is going to be 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.800 required there. But yeah, but completely different, so not so 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:09.880 worried about the things directly in front of her that 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:12.840 are about her. She's like, no, I'll just take control 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:15.080 of those. But it's all the other things. The two 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:15.840 quite different. 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:18.720 So yeah, and I think I relate to both those things. 0:04:18.880 --> 0:04:21.080 You know, it probably is no point to worrying about 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:23.279 things you can't control, but I think we all full 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:23.960 victim to it. 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:24.840 Occasionally. 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:27.159 That's what she does. She worries about all the things 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:27.880 she can't control. 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.000 Yeah, yeah, No, I have a family member like that, 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:31.440 and I don't really worry about them. 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:33.839 I mean, you know, they'll work it out. 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:37.800 But I guess what we're trying to establish is what 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:40.440 is it that we have We laid those foundations for 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:43.599 those for the kids to make good decisions like that 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:46.159 about what they can and can't control. What other forces 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:49.000 are are there out there that we may not be 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:51.720 able to relate to because of our agent stage, And 0:04:53.000 --> 0:04:56.240 what advice would we have for people going forward? 0:04:56.839 --> 0:04:59.120 Absolutely so today we're going to dive into the challenges 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.560 young people are faith in today's world, how best to 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:04.760 support them, especially if they're no longer under our roof 0:05:04.880 --> 0:05:07.440 or on the cusp of independence. So from sort of 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:10.880 mental health, social media to belonging in academic pressure. 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:14.880 So, as we mentioned, we so enjoyed this guest of 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:18.000 advice around offsprings at all ages, and we've asked doctor 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:21.120 Justin Colson to talk to us again. Justin is the 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:23.719 founder of Happy Families dot com dot au and a 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:28.120 leading parenting expert, international speaker and author of nine best 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:31.160 selling parenting books. He's a pH d in psychology and 0:05:31.200 --> 0:05:34.159 provides evidence based strategies which we love here on the 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:36.840 little things and advice for parents. And he's a parent 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:38.600 of sex, so he's put it all to the test. 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:40.080 Welcome Justin. 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:43.080 It's so nice to be with you, Louise Francesca. Thanks 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:45.760 for having you back. I'm properly stoked to be here. 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:50.040 We're very excited to have you. Are nine best selling books. 0:05:50.200 --> 0:05:51.320 You'd be busy, haven't you. 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:53.840 I've got another one coming out next year. It's about 0:05:53.920 --> 0:05:56.040 raising teenage boys. 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:57.039 Oh we love that. 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:58.960 Oh yeah, oh yeah. 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.919 I'm so excited. As we're having this conversation. It's with 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:06.400 the publisher. They're going through the manuscript and it's coming 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:09.719 out early to mid next year, sort of May June 0:06:09.760 --> 0:06:11.880 next year. It's going to be called Boys. It's going 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:13.320 to have my name all over the front of it. 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:15.920 And I think it's probably the most important book that 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:16.560 I've ever written. 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:19.400 I think it potentially could be too, although the others 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:23.960 have been also very important. Justin today we don't want 0:06:24.000 --> 0:06:26.640 to be talking for young people, but you know, a 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.039 little bit of research does show that there seems to 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:32.799 be some things around what young people are worrying about 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:35.520 these days. And you know, today we're just sort of 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:39.479 looking to support the people supporting the young people, I 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:44.880 suppose in a sense. So shall we start maybe with 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:47.640 kind of mental health, because I think last time we 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:50.200 spoke to you about forty five percent of kids we're 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:55.680 receiving a diagnosis of anxiety. I don't imagine that that 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.760 has improved, But do you think we're rising to the 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:00.800 occasion and meeting the need at these children? 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:04.159 So this is a really provocative topic, and my views 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:08.000 on this are a little bit left of center, right, 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.480 My views of this are not in the mainstream, and 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:14.040 I really come at this quite differently to how most 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:15.960 people are coming at it. What do I mean by that? 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:18.640 If I ask you if you're doing okay? Let's say've 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:20.600 said this to your Francisca. 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:22.280 Are you okay? Like you are you doing all right? 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:24.960 You pause and you look at me and go, yeah, 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:28.040 I think so, I'm like, no, really, like, deep down 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:30.760 I want to have a prop conversation with your Francesca, 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:33.600 you are you really okay? And so you start to 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:36.960 search your soul, you search your heart, and you go, well, 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:39.520 there are a few things. I'm like, let's talk about 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.320 those things. And so you tell me that you're struggling 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:44.360 with one of the kids, or you're struggling with something 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:46.640 that's going on at work, or Louise has just been 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:48.960 ticking you off for the last few weeks and you've 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:52.920 had enough, right, And so the longer we dwell on this, 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:56.360 the more I poke and prod and pry into your 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.520 anxieties and your challenges and your sadnesses and your strife 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:03.400 and turmoil and your adversity and the randness and volatility 0:08:03.440 --> 0:08:05.720 that the world has thrown at you. By the time 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:09.080 that conversation's finished, you look at me and going, oh, 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:13.120 my goodness, I just feel so refreshed, right, you're going, 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:19.120 I'm exhausted, and unfortunately research this is not a popular 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:22.920 thing to say, but research shows that our talk therapies 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:28.000 are generally ineffective. There are some people who are helped 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:30.000 sometimes buy them. So I'm not throwing the baby out 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:31.520 with the bath. What I'm not saying it's all a 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:34.679 waste of time or money. But unfortunately, what's happened is 0:08:35.520 --> 0:08:39.240 the more we talk about mental health problems, the more 0:08:39.280 --> 0:08:41.959 people we seem to find with mental health problems, the 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:44.880 more money we pour into awareness raising, the more people 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:48.839 become aware. And this is not meant to sound glib, 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:52.040 it's not meant to sound lighthearted, but we worry too 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:57.800 much about our worries and the surefire way, the guaranteed 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:01.559 way to make somebody miserable, or to make yourself miserable, 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:05.560 is to ruminate. The more you ruminate, the more you 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:10.040 chew over the injustices of the world, or the inflationary 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:12.439 crisis or the housing crisis, or the fact that all 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:15.000 of the New Zealand's movie to Australia and there's no 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.280 jobs anywhere, or the more you worry about how many 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:21.880 kids have got anxiety, the worse it gets Now Again, 0:09:21.920 --> 0:09:24.600 I'm not saying that anxiety isn't real or depression isn't real. 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:27.080 That's certainly not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:29.480 the more you talk about it, the more you find it. 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:34.800 And unfortunately, we now have what I would consider to 0:09:34.840 --> 0:09:39.280 be strong I don't know if conclusive is always hard 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:41.080 to say when it comes to science, because science has 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:44.840 never actually concluded. But we have strong evidence that mental 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:49.920 health interventions in school at a global scale creates more 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:53.600 problems than it solves. That is, the mental health training 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.320 that kids are getting in school is not reducing anxiety. 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:57.559 We're seeing more of it. 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:02.480 We're finding that investing more money into talk therapies is 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:07.360 not reducing or curing mental health challenges. We are finding 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:10.000 that it continued. It's plateaued in the last year or two. 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:11.599 I mean, we've seen it going up and up and 0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:13.320 up and up for the last ten or fifteen years. 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.920 It seems to have plateaued in the last year or two, 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:20.240 which is I guess good news. But basically my position 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:23.120 on this is there is so much goodness in the world, 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:26.040 and if you focus on that, then you're going to 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:27.880 typically find that life feels pretty good. 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:29.920 There is a lot of badness. 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:31.040 In the world as well, and if you focus on that, 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:32.920 you're generally going to find that life is pretty bad. 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:35.760 I do this activity when I'm doing my presentations in person. 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:38.040 I just did one last night, and I get a 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:40.520 broom handle, take the broom off the handle, and I 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:41.920 just got a broom handle, and I. 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:42.760 Ask for a volunteer. 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:44.240 They come up to the front of the room and 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:48.520 I asked them to balance the broom handle on their fingertips. 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:50.520 I mean, it's light, so you can hold it on 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:53.199 your fingertips. But the rule is you have to look 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:55.840 at your fingertips while you're doing it. Now, if you 0:10:55.960 --> 0:10:58.040 try this later today, I guarantee you don't find this 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:00.880 nearly impossible. Right you're looking at it fingertips. The broom 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:03.120 handle's up there somewhere, and you look at your fingertips 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:05.120 and the broomhandle goes every Usually it falls and clocks 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.000 them on the forehead or something like that. It's very funny. 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.320 Everyone has a laugh and that's okay. Now do it again, 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:10.640 but this time to look at the top of the 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:13.600 broom handle, so they stretch their fingers right out. They 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:15.920 stretch their arm out, they put the broom handle on 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:18.199 their fingertips, they look at the top and all of 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:20.719 a sudden they can balance the broom handle on their 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:24.559 fingertips and it doesn't clock anyone in the forehead. You 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:28.840 gravitate where you look madts in life, and from a 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.640 psychological point of view, if you are looking at your 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.640 fingertips all the time, then you're going to bang into walks, 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.520 You're going to have things clock you on the head. 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:37.240 It's going to hurt. 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.360 There's got to be a fine line there too, though 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:44.360 it doesn't there justin because it's really important. We're also 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.720 listening to our teenagers and listening to our kids and 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:52.520 not just brushing off concerns or worries. Because there are kids, obviously, 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:57.200 as you mentioned, who genuinely do have anxiety or concerning depression. 0:11:57.720 --> 0:11:59.520 Or they've got things that they're worried about. You need 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:00.320 to be hurt the right way. 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.040 Yeah, I'm so glad that you raised that, because I 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:04.800 don't want this to be a glib dismissal of children's concerns, 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:05.640 fears and worries. 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.079 That's not helpful either. 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:11.880 This is not polly you know, Pollyanna, the children's storybook 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.440 with skipping through fields full of flowers and the sun's 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.280 always shining and everything's always perfect. 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:17.959 That's not real either. 0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:20.839 There's a really simple balance, and that is that when 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:22.640 our children are having a hard time, we look at 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:25.199 them and we make sure number one, that we're regulated 0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:26.960 in a good space to talk to them, and then 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:30.000 number two, we say something along these lines. It sounds 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:32.520 like this is pretty tough for you, and simply by 0:12:32.520 --> 0:12:34.120 saying that, our children going to go yeah. And so 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:35.360 we can give them a hut and say do you 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:36.640 want me to be with you and chat about it 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:38.880 or I just want some space. That's the third thing 0:12:38.880 --> 0:12:40.600 to say, do you want me to be with you 0:12:41.160 --> 0:12:43.600 or do you just want some space? And sometimes our 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:45.000 kids will say no, I just need you to leave 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:45.560 me alone. 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:47.880 So let them alone. I would recommend that you don't 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:49.000 leave them alone with a screen. 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:50.800 That's not going to be beneficial to them, that won't 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.319 usually help, But just leave them alone because they've said 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:55.360 I want some space, and so that's fine to leave 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:57.160 you alone, but I'm going to check in on you again, surely, 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:58.240 just to make sure you're okay. 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.200 This is always them. Nope, they can come back to you. 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:03.600 That is so true, and that's how things kind of 0:13:03.600 --> 0:13:05.520 tend to roll earn our household as well. They don't 0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:06.960 want me to fix that. They don't want me to 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:08.920 tell them a whole lot of things to do to 0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:10.720 make things better or why don't you do this? They 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:12.240 don't want to be told what to do or anything. 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:14.200 They just want to be heard. And I kind of 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:16.880 want to be understood and validated a little bit and 0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:20.800 fear to just support and kind of, as you say, 0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:21.680 love them no matter what. 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:24.840 Yeah, so let's talk about that for just a sec. 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:28.160 It's really really important. I look at relationships with our kids, 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:31.000 in fact, with anybody like a bucket. Okay, So if 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:33.280 you've got a bucket, you've got one or two things 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.480 in the bucket. You've either got water in the bucket 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:38.080 or you've got air in the bucket. Buckets are for 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:42.079 carrying water, not air. So let's imagine that the water 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:46.800 that goes into the bucket is connection. Okay, the relationship 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:49.960 bucket should be full of connection. Connection. Here's my definition. 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:53.600 This is important feeling seen, hurd and valued. So when 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:55.480 you think about your time with your kids, how much 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:57.520 time do they feel seen hurt and valued? And how 0:13:57.559 --> 0:13:59.400 much time do they feel something else? The air in 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:02.680 the bucket is correction and direction. So water is connection. 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.360 Air is correction and direction. Correction and direction is I 0:14:06.360 --> 0:14:08.079 know you're feeling down, but if you just did this, 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:11.120 if you hadn't listened to me yesterday, what about this 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:13.080 for a night. It's where we start telling them how 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:16.200 to live their lives. It's where we say, your shoes, 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:18.719 your bedrooms are mess, clean it up. I've asked you 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:20.080 to do it for the last five days and I'm 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:23.680 ready to crack. That's correction and direction, right. Connection is 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:25.720 you seem to be having a tough time, Let's have 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:27.520 a chat about this. Connection is where we see here 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:31.920 and value them. So just pause and consider your day 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:34.960 so far. What's your interaction with your kids been? Has 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:37.920 it been correction and direction or has it been connection? 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.080 How much water has gone into the relationship bucket? 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:40.920 Mine? 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:45.360 Mine has just been nothing but flowers and petals. And 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:48.920 but I already got one child home and now and 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.560 two have lived, and I can the quality of parenting 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:55.640 that one child is getting now fast and fast is 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:58.520 what the other do? I hope they're not listening, got 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:00.960 but I'm sitting here grinding my a little bit, because 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:04.000 you know, my children do have what I would call tells, 0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.320 and I just know something's kind of up. One of 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:12.720 them gets like beside himself chatty for a while, and 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:16.240 you go, he's kind of spiring a little, you know, 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:19.160 and you do watch and wait, and then you just 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:21.280 a gentle chickens. But it is a little bit harder 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:24.760 when they're not under your roof. But you know, you 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:26.360 are still the abyst person. 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:27.840 Do you know what I mean by that? 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:30.160 I do. I've got three who are in their twenties, 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:33.560 one who's married with a baby, and two who are 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:38.560 very much living their best lives now, and well, I 0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:41.080 just love how the relationship changes. And it does like 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:43.960 anyone who's listening to this pod and going, oh my goodness, 0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:45.760 my kid's dropping me crazy. I've got an eleven year 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:47.280 old and a seven year old and a thirteen year old, 0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:50.520 and I'm Reade's throddled them. I promise you, if you can, 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:52.920 if you can hang onto that connection, if you can 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:55.920 remember to put water in that bucket every day, one day, 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:58.320 they grow through this and they come back to you 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:00.960 in ways that are just delight and Louise, I even 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:02.920 love that you're saying that there's these tells like this 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:06.160 child of yours starts to get chatty. So when that happens, 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.000 it's really really tempting as a parent. And this is 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.240 actually I've mentioned three steps already, right, and be regulated 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:14.080 yourself checking and so you seem to be having a 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:17.240 tough time, and then offer your space or the presence, 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:19.400 depending on what they need. The fourth thing is to 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:23.760 just give them the space to to process what's going 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:25.800 on a little bit. Sometimes I'll do that by chatting 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:27.320 to you. Sometimes they'll do that by going for a 0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:29.040 walk or just laying in their room with their eyes 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:30.520 closed and covering in their head with a pillow and 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:33.680 need some ice cream. And then the last thing that 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:35.160 you do is your problem solve. See I don't let 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:37.320 them stay in it. It might be a day, it 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.000 might be a week, but at some point you say, 0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:40.960 all right, we've had a bit of time to processes, 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:42.640 but we need to talk about action steps. 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:44.520 I'm here to support you. What are you thinking? 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:48.040 And it's critical that you don't step in and start 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.440 telling them what to do. Regardless of their age, whether 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:53.400 they're three or twenty three. Your job is not two 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.120 and you use this word before fix them. No one 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:58.880 likes to be fixed. Instead, your job is to say, well, 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:01.280 let's see if we can come some ideas. What are 0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:05.159 you thinking? And you just let them If they're stuck, 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:08.760 you give them some time. But eventually, as a parent, 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:11.080 you're like, I've actually got some ideas and you just 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:13.480 want to give them the ideas. Here's what you do, 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:17.400 you save them. I've got an idea that might be useful. 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.760 Are you open to hearing it? You get their consent? 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:21.760 Now do you need their consent? 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:23.159 Of course not. You're their parents. You can say what 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:23.520 you want. 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:28.200 But when you ask for permission, then they open up 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.639 their hearts to what you've got to say. When they 0:17:30.680 --> 0:17:33.760 say yes, please tell me now, they're receptive. If you 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:36.800 just start telling them without that permission, they close down. 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:38.760 They're like, you're saying I'm a problem. 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:40.639 You're saying I don't have the confidence to fix this. 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.040 As soon as you've got there, not of approval yet, 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.600 please tell me. All of a sudden, they're going, hm, 0:17:45.920 --> 0:17:48.359 my parents might know something, and I'm willing and ready 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:48.760 to listen. 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:52.760