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Speaker 1: You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons

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Speaker 1: podcast from News Talk ZEDB.

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Speaker 2: Alexander to Blanche is an incredible guy when it comes

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Speaker 2: to relationships. He's got qualifications in psychotherapy, in counseling and

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Speaker 2: in human sexuality. He runs his own practice on Point

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Speaker 2: Therapy and is the relationship expert for Competico. He has

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Speaker 2: a wealth of knowledge. Joins us every fortnight. Hello there, Alexander,

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Speaker 2: Hey guys, how's it going.

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Speaker 3: Amen?

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Speaker 2: Ah, we're great, mate, Thank you very much for coming

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Speaker 2: on again.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, hello, good to be here.

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Speaker 2: We often find after we've finished our session with you,

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Speaker 2: James and I go away and we go man, that

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Speaker 2: guy's good, like it just seems so level headed with

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Speaker 2: everything there's and you very comfortable talking about some pretty

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Speaker 2: awkward situations. So yeah, we really appreciate it. If you've

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Speaker 2: got a question for Alexander, oh, eight hundred eighty ten

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Speaker 2: eighty is our phone number. If you've never phoned before

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Speaker 2: and think, oh, I don't know. If I want to,

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Speaker 2: you can keep your name private eight hundred and eighty

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Speaker 2: ten eighty or text us. Sam has been waiting here

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Speaker 2: already in anticipation gooday, Sam, Hey boy, good mate, Thank you.

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Speaker 2: Alexander's standing by Alexander.

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Speaker 4: Mate.

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Speaker 5: This one's probably gonna to earn your name. I was

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Speaker 5: married on separated and I've had a child. But I

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Speaker 5: met this girl after I was separated, and she's been

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Speaker 5: for a pretty tough life. And I've been pully her

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Speaker 5: best friend more than beaually for ten years. And I'm

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Speaker 5: trying to distance herself from from me. But she's got

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Speaker 5: kids with that, which I'm close to. But I sort

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Speaker 5: of kept.

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Speaker 6: Getting dragged back into her life and she's dragging me.

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Speaker 6: You know. I do love her. It's my best friend,

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Speaker 6: but I'm trying to find a way to sort of

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Speaker 6: like separate myself from her.

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Speaker 5: Tough one.

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Speaker 2: Any thoughts, Alexander, Yeah, yeah, it's a tough one.

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Speaker 7: So so just to recap you were together, you've you've

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Speaker 7: had kids together or does she have kids from I.

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Speaker 6: Had dad and I went for a separation. I meet

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Speaker 6: her quite quickly under my separation. I had a child.

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Speaker 5: She's got four kids as well.

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Speaker 6: We sort of went through the sort of break up

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Speaker 6: together and she is my best friend.

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Speaker 7: I love her.

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Speaker 6: I was trying to break away from her. I kept

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Speaker 6: keep going through like dramas and sort of dragged me

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Speaker 6: back into her dramas. You know, I don't want to

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Speaker 6: be there, but I don't know how to break those dramas.

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Speaker 5: You know, you know what I mean, walk away from it.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, yeah, No, that makes a lot of sense.

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Speaker 7: I think if we're going through stuff that's that we

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Speaker 7: share similarities with other people, we can we can get

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Speaker 7: a bond through that, and we can sort of become

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Speaker 7: a little bit dependent on each other. So there's something

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Speaker 7: in relationships that we call codependency, which means that we

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Speaker 7: lean on each other when we're going through hardship, and

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Speaker 7: if we can recognize that in someone else, it feels

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Speaker 7: really really close. But that makes it hard when or

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Speaker 7: if we get to the point where we want to

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Speaker 7: move away. And so one of the best ways in

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Speaker 7: which to do this is to sit down and have

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Speaker 7: a conversation about all of the things that you value

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Speaker 7: and putting it forward and saying, look, I am wanting

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Speaker 7: to maybe move a little bit away and become I'm

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Speaker 7: a little bit less connected. It's not that I don't

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Speaker 7: want to be friends with you. Really highlight the things

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Speaker 7: that you value, but also highlight that maybe it's time

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Speaker 7: for both of you that you create a little bit

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Speaker 7: more firm boundaries and once you set those, the tricky

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Speaker 7: part of.

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Speaker 4: The energy that you need to actually stick to them.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I've tried that before. I know what you're saying,

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Speaker 6: like hard friends with the NJA and they get dragged

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Speaker 6: back in if you.

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Speaker 3: Sam, it's James, he Sam, Look, this is an awkward question. Maybe,

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Speaker 3: but is it a physical relationship you're having with this person?

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Speaker 6: Yeah? Yeah, we were best friend both.

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Speaker 5: There's also political if you know what I mean.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, exactly Does.

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Speaker 3: That make a difference, Alexander, Yeah, I mean it does.

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Speaker 4: It does.

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Speaker 7: It's it's a lot easier to keep boundaries in place

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Speaker 7: with friendships. It becomes a lot more complicated when there's

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Speaker 7: a greater depth of intimacy. When we're talking about physicality

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Speaker 7: and those sorts of things. It is one of those

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Speaker 7: aspects where there's no real shortcut through the discomfort and

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Speaker 7: the awkwardness of the initial taking space. But the issue

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Speaker 7: that most people have is that they start well, they

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Speaker 7: mean well, and then they slip up and return back

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Speaker 7: to it and then have to go through the process

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Speaker 7: all over again. So it's making a decision about what

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Speaker 7: you want, communicating that really clearly with her, making sure

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Speaker 7: that she understands, and then it's what can you do

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Speaker 7: to make sure that you stick to that and reiterate

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Speaker 7: or reaffirm those boundaries, because it sounds like you know

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Speaker 7: what to do.

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Speaker 4: It's just a case of sticking to it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Sam, thank you very much for the question, and

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Speaker 2: good luck to you.

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Speaker 3: We've got to text here, Adam, and he says, Hello, Alexander, Hi,

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Speaker 3: this is a dumb question, really, and I know you'll

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Speaker 3: just tell me to harden up, but here goes. I've

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Speaker 3: been married for thirty six years to the same woman.

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Speaker 3: She had over twenty lovers before we met and married.

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Speaker 3: I've struggled with this and even now just can't seem

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Speaker 3: to let it go. She is faithful and a great mum,

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Speaker 3: but I just can't seem to deal with the emotions

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Speaker 3: that her past conjures up for me. What a great text.

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Speaker 3: So when she gives me no reason to be I'm crazy?

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Speaker 3: Am I?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: That's a great text? Can I like? Because there's almost

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Speaker 2: a lot of sitcoms talk about that very thing where

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Speaker 2: the guy will say to the lady and the ladies,

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Speaker 2: how I'm happening for me. Is it a big thing, Alexander.

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Speaker 7: It's really common.

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Speaker 4: So firstly, definitely not crazy.

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Speaker 7: It's really really common for many of us to have

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Speaker 7: insecurities about partner's previous relationships. So it can be sex,

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Speaker 7: it can be money, it can be previous children, it

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Speaker 7: can be travel, it can be all sorts. So I think, firstly,

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Speaker 7: really really normal. I think the anger is an interesting one,

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Speaker 7: and the facts that did I hear right that it

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Speaker 7: was sort of married.

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Speaker 4: Thirty six this years?

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Speaker 3: Yes, that's right.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, so it's a long time to be carrying

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Speaker 7: some of that. It sounds like maybe resentments in there too,

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Speaker 7: So I think my tips to Adam would be firstly,

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Speaker 7: emotions are our body's way of send message to us.

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Speaker 7: So the message that you're receiving is anger. What I

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Speaker 7: think would be worth while being curious about is what

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Speaker 7: is the anger masking. So in this instance, anger is

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Speaker 7: likely a secondary emotion, which means that it's showing up

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Speaker 7: in response to a primary one, which is more uncomfortable. So,

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Speaker 7: for instance, I sometimes get angry when I feel abandoned

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Speaker 7: because anger is a lot easier to feel than it

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Speaker 7: is to sit.

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Speaker 4: In the abandonment, so first would become curious.

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Speaker 2: So would it be the overwriting emotion I would say

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Speaker 2: for most people would be just pure old jealousy. Wouldn't

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Speaker 2: it like I don't want you to have done that before?

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Speaker 2: Necessarily of that many people? And how do I measure up?

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Speaker 7: Would it be? Well an interesting Jealousy can also be

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Speaker 7: a little bit secondary too, so often often they're hiding insecurities,

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Speaker 7: and the insecurities can often be fear based. So if

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Speaker 7: we fear something, if you know, if we're if we're

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Speaker 7: being disconnected, if we're feeling not good enough, if it's

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Speaker 7: if it's tapping into something that we believe about ourselves,

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Speaker 7: we can react to that by being jealous, by being frustrated,

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Speaker 7: by being angry. So the key is figure out what's underneath,

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Speaker 7: and when you do that, then communicate that to your partner.

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Speaker 7: So it's the opposite of hard enough. It's it's softening up.

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Speaker 7: When I think about your past, I actually become ready

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Speaker 7: and secure.

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Speaker 4: This is what goes on within me. What is it

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Speaker 4: that we can do to maybe support what's underneath?

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Speaker 2: Not so much the anger and great answer. That's a

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Speaker 2: great answer, Alexander, you're very good in fact, we're getting

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Speaker 2: a couple of texts saying, hey, this guy is excellent

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Speaker 2: in this next text set. I thought this segment would

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Speaker 2: be done, but I'm learning quite a lot. Thank you.

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Speaker 2: Our guest is Alexander to Blanche every Fortnight Relationship Expert,

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Speaker 2: if you've got some issues with your relationship one hundred

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Speaker 2: and eighty ten eighty or textus nineteen nine to your question.

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Speaker 2: Diane has put her name to a text good on

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Speaker 2: her no surname, but she says this Alexander, I don't

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Speaker 2: feel valued or listened to. My requests for intimacy get

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Speaker 2: turned down repeatedly, so I gave up asking to see

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Speaker 2: if that would be reciprocated. It wasn't. What do I

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Speaker 2: do here?

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Speaker 7: Oh yeah, yeah, Oh indeed, I think, yeah, feeling under values,

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Speaker 7: feeling unheard sucks. There's no sort of two ways about that,

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Speaker 7: and the two incredibly important things that we need in

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Speaker 7: order for a relationship to continue to grow. So I think, firstly, yeah,

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Speaker 7: really really important to be able to voice those needs.

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Speaker 7: If we're with someone who doesn't sound like they're listening

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Speaker 7: or doesn't seem to be open to what it is

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Speaker 7: that we're sharing. I guess My feedback to Diane would

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Speaker 7: be focus on the things that you can control. So

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Speaker 7: I'm going to make some tips probably for you particularly,

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Speaker 7: have a look at how you're bringing things up, when

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Speaker 7: you're bringing them up, in the language in which you're using,

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Speaker 7: and maybe write some stuff down in terms of intentions,

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Speaker 7: because I think a good way to position it is

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Speaker 7: to let our partner know, here is something very important

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Speaker 7: to me that I want to discuss with you, and

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Speaker 7: I want to make sure that you are in the

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Speaker 7: right place to be open to having that conversation. How

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Speaker 7: about you let me know when it's a good time

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Speaker 7: for you in the next twenty four hours, so then

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Speaker 7: the partner feels equipped to know that, Okay, this is serious.

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Speaker 7: I know the topic, so I've got some time to

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Speaker 7: go away and think about it, and I feel as

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Speaker 7: though I'm included in this conversation, not perhaps sort of

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Speaker 7: blind in sided or sort of caught unaware. And they

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Speaker 7: can come and meet you, meet you in the middle,

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Speaker 7: and then it's a case of stating your needs. As

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Speaker 7: I've said before, really focus on the eye statements what

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Speaker 7: I need and this is why it's important to me.

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Speaker 7: And I was hoping that we could come up with

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Speaker 7: a solution together. If the partner is unable to kind

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Speaker 7: of meet you there, which it sounds like maybe he's not,

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Speaker 7: then it's the time to be really, really firm with

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Speaker 7: Andrew's This is a non negotiable for me. I really

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Speaker 7: want for this relationship to work, but this is an

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Speaker 7: important part of.

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Speaker 4: That happening.

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Speaker 7: So it's either yeah, not an ultimatum, but I think

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Speaker 7: really making it significant and clear is important.

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Speaker 2: Where Diane in that text was talking, she said her

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Speaker 2: requests for intimacy have been turned down repeatedly, So is

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Speaker 2: there any way to come back from that? Like if

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Speaker 2: you're constantly spurred when it spurned when it comes to

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Speaker 2: the physical side of it, I mean, how do you

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Speaker 2: get that right?

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Speaker 7: Perhaps you can have a conversation about where the where

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Speaker 7: the barriers are or what the reluctance is, rather than

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Speaker 7: just coming from approach of is.

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Speaker 4: Now aga time?

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Speaker 7: Would you like to how about now? How about now?

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Speaker 7: Not suggesting that that's what Diane's doing, but if essentially,

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Speaker 7: if we have a look at the issue being not

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Speaker 7: either of the persons as individuals, but rather a relational issue.

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Speaker 7: This is something that the relationships at Greensling. There's not

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Speaker 7: enough intimacy. If you bring it up in terms of

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Speaker 7: what are some of the barriers, what are ways in

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Speaker 7: which we could perhaps approach this, it feels like you're

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Speaker 7: on the same team working towards something, as opposed to

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Speaker 7: one person's letting the team down. They're likely to become

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Speaker 7: defensive and some people, like perhaps Diane's partner, does they withdraw,

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Speaker 7: they shut down, and they just don't go to very good.

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Speaker 3: Okay, we've got a text her who has put her

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Speaker 3: name to this Alexander, we've been engaged for twenty eight years.

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Speaker 3: How do I get my wonderful fiance to agree on

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Speaker 3: a date? Or has the ship sailed? I don't want

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Speaker 3: to be walking down the aisle with a zimmer frame.

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Speaker 2: What a great question.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, there's nothing wrong with walking down the aisle with

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Speaker 7: a zimmer frame.

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Speaker 4: But I hear your question, and there's no there's no

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Speaker 4: right or wrong time.

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Speaker 7: I don't think there's any issue with people that don't

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Speaker 7: get engaged at all, or people that are engaged for

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Speaker 7: long periods of time.

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Speaker 2: But it was a problem for this woman though, Alexander.

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Speaker 2: She's saying were twenty eight years and he won't commit.

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Speaker 2: Doesn't that show a lack of something. I'm not sure what,

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Speaker 2: but a lack of something commitment. Yeah on the guy's part.

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Speaker 7: Well, I would start the question around what does marriage

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Speaker 7: mean to this particular person, So rather about when are

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Speaker 7: we going to get married, maybe have a conversation about

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Speaker 7: the concept of marriage.

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Speaker 4: Many of us come from homes.

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Speaker 7: That haven't been particularly great when it comes to examples

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Speaker 7: of marriage, and so they may represent roadblocks. There may

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Speaker 7: be issues that we bring into the relationship that we

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Speaker 7: haven't really spoken about. So if it's been that long,

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Speaker 7: ask what marriage means and have a look at what

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Speaker 7: some of the potential barriers are.

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Speaker 4: In the individual's meaning.

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Speaker 2: That's a really good reframing of that issue. Well done, Alexander.

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Speaker 2: I wish we had another hour with you, but we don't.

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Speaker 2: And to all the people that are texting in Tyler's

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Speaker 2: even as we speak, copying and pasting these texts so

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Speaker 2: we will have them for Alexander when you're on a

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Speaker 2: fortnight mate, thank you so much for coming on the

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Speaker 2: show again.

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Speaker 4: Man pleasure as always, Guys, thank.

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Speaker 2: You, Alexander T Blanche Just a reminder he runs his

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Speaker 2: own practice on point therapy there online and he's a

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Speaker 2: relationship expert for competigoat knows the stuff.

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Speaker 1: He's great for more from Simon Barnett and James Daniels afternoons.

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Speaker 1: Listen live to News Talk said Be or follow the

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Speaker 1: podcast on iHeartRadio