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Speaker 1: You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons

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Speaker 1: podcast from News Talks dB.

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Speaker 2: Alexander tour Blanche is a relationship expert. He's got qualifications

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Speaker 2: and psychotherapy, counseling and human sexuality. He runs his own

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Speaker 2: practice on point Therapy. He's a relationship expert also for Competigo,

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Speaker 2: who joins us every fortnight.

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Speaker 3: Hello there, Alexander, Hey Simon, Hey James. How's it going.

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Speaker 2: Nice to talk to you and congratulations folks. Alexander's and

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Speaker 2: his wife have just had twins. That's right, is it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right, twin girls about four weeks ago. How great?

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Speaker 2: How's that going for you both? To sleep?

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Speaker 3: It's amazing sleep wise.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm probably running on a combination of caffeine and

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Speaker 4: hopes of a brighter future.

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Speaker 3: It's good. I'm loving it.

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Speaker 5: Do you have other children? These are your first?

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Speaker 3: Now, these are the first. We've gone in the DP

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Speaker 3: from the.

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Speaker 2: Guys and a We two boys, two girls, boy and

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Speaker 2: a girl. What what of your head?

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Speaker 3: Two girls, Sadie and Laila of you?

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Speaker 2: Well, thank you very much for making time, because I

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Speaker 2: know it's precious.

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Speaker 5: We've got a text here says Hi Alexander. I've been

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Speaker 5: in a new relationship for eight months. My new partner

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Speaker 5: is amazing. When I was married previously, I would do

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Speaker 5: everything I could for the woman in my life, and

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Speaker 5: as a result, I've been taken advantage of. My new

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Speaker 5: partner does so much more for me than I can

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Speaker 5: possibly do for her, And although my family say I

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Speaker 5: deserve it, I'm struggling with not being able to take

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Speaker 5: care of her as well as she does me. I

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Speaker 5: know it sounds crazy, should I feel this way? Says Mark?

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Speaker 4: Right, Okay, recap eight months new relationship, previous marriages, Okay.

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Speaker 5: Take an advantage of take and he's worried that his

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Speaker 5: new partner does so much more for me than he

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Speaker 5: does he could possibly do for her.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, Look, the reality is that most relationships will

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Speaker 4: have one partner who gives more and one partner who

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Speaker 4: receives more.

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Speaker 3: That's a really common dynamic.

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Speaker 4: What becomes problematic, I guess, is when those positions become

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Speaker 4: fixed and there's one person who's always giving and then

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Speaker 4: there's one person who always is receiving, And when that happens,

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Speaker 4: we end up feeling taken advantage of. So there's a

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Speaker 4: few things there. For those of us that do end

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Speaker 4: up in this giving position, often I find there's an

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Speaker 4: identsity thing tied up with that, meaning I'm more valuable

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Speaker 4: or I have more self worth when I'm able to give. Therefore,

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Speaker 4: when I'm unable to give as much, I feel a

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Speaker 4: little bit less valuable.

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Speaker 3: My self worth is called into question.

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Speaker 4: And interestingly, two individuals that tends to give.

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Speaker 3: More tend to tend to resist the vulnerability that can

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Speaker 3: come from receiving. So was it Mark sorry that the text? Yes?

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Speaker 4: So yeah, so Mark, if you're listening, and if anyone

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Speaker 4: else can identify with giving, what I would do is

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Speaker 4: to sort of reflect on what it means for you

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Speaker 4: to give and what it means for you to receive

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Speaker 4: in terms of comfort, in terms of vulnerability, and have

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Speaker 4: a conversation about that within the relationship and consider where

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Speaker 4: there are opportunities to work together to be a little

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Speaker 4: bit more, to have a bit more parity in the

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Speaker 4: giving and the receiving. And if you think that you're

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Speaker 4: fixed in this giving position, then my advice would be

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Speaker 4: to go and see professional support. So maybe have a

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Speaker 4: look at where there are opportunities to increase self worth

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Speaker 4: and openness to receiving.

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Speaker 2: Okay, hey, good text here, Alexander says, the person doesn't

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Speaker 2: want to come on here and speak. They're too nervous

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Speaker 2: to embarrassed. But says my part and it goes on

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Speaker 2: a dating site every six months or so, sometimes more

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Speaker 2: frequently than that tells me she is looking for friends.

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Speaker 2: Is this strange or should I worry about it? And

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Speaker 2: how can I bring it up?

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Speaker 5: I could answer that when I think you go for

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Speaker 5: it's that's very odd?

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Speaker 2: And is it odd?

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Speaker 4: Well, I mean it's interesting, it's it's There are two

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Speaker 4: ways to take that. So there are some dating apps,

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Speaker 4: for instance, Bumbles an example, where they do actually have

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Speaker 4: a feature where you can go on to find friends,

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Speaker 4: to actually make friends with individuals. So if that's what

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Speaker 4: she's meaning, then I don't see anything in particular wrong

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Speaker 4: with that.

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Speaker 3: If she's going on to.

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Speaker 4: Other men for her friends, then it becomes a little

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Speaker 4: bit more problematic. My rule of thumb, though, is if

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Speaker 4: it worries you, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

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Speaker 4: It's warranting of a discussion in a relationship, and we

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Speaker 4: should be able to say this particular behavior makes me uncomfortable.

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Speaker 4: Is there a way in which we could adjust that.

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Speaker 4: In every healthy relationship should be able to find a

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Speaker 4: compromise if one person feels particularly uncomfortable.

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Speaker 5: Thanks Alexander. Look, here's a question that comes from me.

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Speaker 5: Can people who are in a relationship, whether they be

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Speaker 5: married or living together, and let's imagine that it's a

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Speaker 5: man and a woman, can they have friends of the

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Speaker 5: opposite sex?

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Speaker 2: Ok?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so. It's yeah. I mean, I think

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Speaker 3: that's incredibly healthy.

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Speaker 4: To be honest, I don't think that there should be

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Speaker 4: any limitations on who we can and can't have friends with.

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Speaker 3: But it's when those friendships become.

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Speaker 4: Impactful to the primary relationship that concession needs to be had.

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Speaker 4: So for instance of someone spending a bit more time

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Speaker 4: with someone of the opposite sex, for instance, going out afterward, drinks,

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Speaker 4: spending time on weekends, and it's having an impact on

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Speaker 4: trust and worthiness, I guess of the other partner then

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Speaker 4: have a conversation. But by and large, members of the

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Speaker 4: opposite sex as friends when in a relationship should be

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Speaker 4: no issue.

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Speaker 2: I like what you said there too about the primary relationship,

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Speaker 2: because I think sometimes that gets overlooked. What is your

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Speaker 2: primary relationship? Hey, there's a bunch of texts coming in here,

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Speaker 2: and we will take a quick break and then get

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Speaker 2: your thoughts. But as all we teaser and it's a

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Speaker 2: legitimate text from a person saying to our previous text,

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Speaker 2: friends with benefits is what that woman's looking for online.

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to ask you the question about you

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Speaker 2: ever think you can ever think? Is there such a thing?

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Speaker 2: Does it work? Can it ever work? Friends with Benefits?

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Speaker 2: We are joined by our relationship expert Alexander de Blanche,

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Speaker 2: who's taking your calls and texts. He's just so good

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Speaker 2: at what he does. Thank you mate for your time.

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Speaker 2: Now we're going to come back to the friends with

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Speaker 2: Benefits question because Lee is called and she's got an

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Speaker 2: excellent question and understandably quite nervous to come on. But

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Speaker 2: thank you Lisa, Thank me, Lisa and Alexander standing.

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Speaker 6: By, well, I thank you.

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Speaker 2: Just let you know when yep far away, yep, good

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Speaker 2: to go.

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Speaker 6: Oh oh boy. It's been a really rough journey the

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Speaker 6: last few years. And my husband has PTSD and he

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Speaker 6: had done to therapy, but he claims he's getting worse.

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Speaker 6: I've taken him to marriage counseling, but he keeps living

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Speaker 6: in the past, and he seems to be blaming me

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Speaker 6: for a lot of things, and when I've suggested things

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Speaker 6: like trying different work because you know, we've been in

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Speaker 6: a bit of financial haircut, and that he's taking suggestions

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Speaker 6: as criticisms. But I noticed he pulled away from me

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Speaker 6: many years ago, and he he went online. His mother died,

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Speaker 6: he went online and made several profiles and been talking

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Speaker 6: to these girls and getting porn. And yeah, he's been

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Speaker 6: on mute almost twenty four to seven, especially the last

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Speaker 6: few months, and well, I can't get through to him,

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Speaker 6: but he keeps living in the past, and I feel

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Speaker 6: like he's silently divorcing me. And then I find these

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Speaker 6: messages saying, oh, my wife's a narsis and I just

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Speaker 6: went out, and boy, that's really it's guttering because I'm

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Speaker 6: nowhere like that. I'm empathetic and I'm compassionate, but I

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Speaker 6: wouldn't be trying so hard to get us marriage counseling

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Speaker 6: if I wasn't invested in it and I didn't care.

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Speaker 6: But I just can't get through to him. It's like

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Speaker 6: he's stonewalling meat almost twenty four to seven. Good question.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's I think.

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Speaker 4: Firstly, it sounds like a really incredibly hard position to

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Speaker 4: be in, and PTSD is significant. I don't think many

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Speaker 4: of us are really given enough credits to the impacts

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Speaker 4: that it has on the individual, but also for the

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Speaker 4: people that live with them, that are in relationship with them,

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Speaker 4: and so yeah, I think I think firstly, just that

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Speaker 4: is really really tricky. The best thing that you can

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Speaker 4: do is what you are doing, which is to sort

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Speaker 4: of continue to be available and to try and seek support.

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Speaker 4: It's it's so hard to navigate something like that alone.

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Speaker 4: And you know, it sounds like it's if we lose

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Speaker 4: someone close to us, we lose.

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Speaker 3: You know, a mother, it can really push us into,

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Speaker 3: you know, a place of.

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Speaker 4: Vulnerability and of seeking comfort and and you know, in others,

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Speaker 4: and for men in particular, often we can turn to

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Speaker 4: strangers because it's for whatever reason, it can be a

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Speaker 4: little bit easier to be sort of vulnerable, to feel

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Speaker 4: a sense of closeness and connection.

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Speaker 2: What is to do about the pornography component there, Alexander,

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Speaker 2: because that must be horrible for you, Lisa.

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Speaker 3: Is that sorry? Is that ongoing? At least it was that?

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Speaker 3: Was that something that was a one off?

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Speaker 6: Yes? And he's he's et since they bought things with

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Speaker 6: you know, the notifications going off of all these bills

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Speaker 6: with phone numbers and all sorts of things for pornography.

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Speaker 6: He's hiding his phone twenty four to seven and he

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Speaker 6: can't even leave it just on the on the bench

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Speaker 6: while he goes and does the dogs, and he then

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Speaker 6: way out, he just puts it under the table and

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Speaker 6: he's texting away and I think that makes me feel

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Speaker 6: very uncomfortable, and I've told him that, but he's just

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Speaker 6: sort of huffs and size and looks away and stone.

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Speaker 4: And yeah, yeah, look, it's none of those things are

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Speaker 4: doing anything too cerebuild trust, and you know it. It's

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Speaker 4: an incredibly tricky position to be in. What you can

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Speaker 4: do is it sounds like you are letting him know

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Speaker 4: the impact of that, you know, letting him know that

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Speaker 4: this is sort of not you know, behavior that's anything

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Speaker 4: to increase the closeness and that you want to be

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Speaker 4: able to be there and to support them. But he's

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Speaker 4: making it incredibly hard in particular the behavior that's sort

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Speaker 4: of showing up in.

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Speaker 2: Your experience, Alexander. Sorry to jump in, but does an

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Speaker 2: ultimatum make any difference to someone in Lisa's situation saying oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm put up with this, so either you change or

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Speaker 2: it's over. Does that? Does that work?

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Speaker 4: We need to be a little bit careful with ultimatums,

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Speaker 4: but I do think that there is a point where

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Speaker 4: if someone's not prepared to help themselves or not prepared

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Speaker 4: to have a conversation about how their behavior is impacting

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Speaker 4: the relationship, sometimes we need to be a little bit

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Speaker 4: more firm or a little bit more assertive and say, essentially, look,

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Speaker 4: this is this is not something that I'm willing to

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Speaker 4: put up with, you know, and there are opportunities that

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Speaker 4: we can do together to move through this. If you're

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Speaker 4: unwilling to go down that route, it's going to head

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Speaker 4: in the direction I don't want it to go. But

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Speaker 4: sometimes we need a bit of a shake up in

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Speaker 4: terms of you know this, this behavior is not okay,

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Speaker 4: and I'm not going to continue to accept it myself.

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Speaker 4: It's it's an awful position to be in, Lisa, and

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Speaker 4: I yeah, but it's yeah, it's tricky.

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Speaker 3: It's tricky.

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Speaker 2: Lisa, thank you very much for calling in and being

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Speaker 2: so brave.

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Speaker 4: Good luck.

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Speaker 2: Hopefully that helps, and thank you Alexander. We are just

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Speaker 2: that took a lot of time, but we're out of time,

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Speaker 2: so we're going to have to come back next fortnite.

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Speaker 2: Alexander with the friends with benefits question, because there's a

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Speaker 2: bunch of people now texting and saying that even their

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Speaker 2: partners have asked for a free pass. You'll know what

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Speaker 2: that means. Yes, and this is this does worry me

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Speaker 2: in twenty twenty four, how some of the stuff creeps in,

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Speaker 2: So we'll get your thoughts on that next time. If

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Speaker 2: that's okay, Alexander.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, of course it sounds it sounds great.

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Speaker 2: Thank you very much, Thanks so much. That is Alexander

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Speaker 2: to Blanche. He runs his own to practice. It's on

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Speaker 2: point therapy. He really is such a nice man and

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Speaker 2: so good at what he does. So we'll hear from

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Speaker 2: him again in a fortnight. So we couldn't get all

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Speaker 2: the texts and calls, but a lot of texts. You

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Speaker 2: can't cut a question like that off early.

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Speaker 1: For more from Simon Barnett and James Daniels afternoons, listen

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Speaker 1: live to News Talks ed B or follow the podcast

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Speaker 1: on iHeartRadio.