WEBVTT - Finding The Light Again with Janelle Brunton-Rennie

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<v Speaker 1>With the Heads Podcast Network.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello and welcome back to another week of Slow It Down.

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<v Speaker 2>I am your host p J Harding and this week's

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<v Speaker 2>episode get your tshoes Ready. It is powerful and very

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<v Speaker 2>moving and puts life into perspective like nothing else. I

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<v Speaker 2>am joined by Janelle Brunton Rinnie, who not only founded

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<v Speaker 2>a very successful PR company called Media Jam here in

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<v Speaker 2>New Zealand, she has tackled marathons, triathlons, been a competitive bodybuilder,

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<v Speaker 2>and when she was thirty six years old, her husband

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<v Speaker 2>died of blood cancer. At the time he was diagnosed,

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<v Speaker 2>they had a four month old daughter together. She was

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<v Speaker 2>suffering from postnatal depression. There was a lot going on,

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<v Speaker 2>and in this episode we talk about how she survived

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<v Speaker 2>those incredible tough days, how she navigated being a solo

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<v Speaker 2>mum with postpartum depression, trying to run her own business

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<v Speaker 2>seemingly impossible conditions. Janelle is so resilient, so strong, and

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<v Speaker 2>also this is a tale of hope because she has

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<v Speaker 2>now found love again and she has engaged. And I

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<v Speaker 2>got so much out of this chat. I think often

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<v Speaker 2>we are guilty of taking for granted what we have

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<v Speaker 2>and pretty much every second.

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<v Speaker 1>I was talking to Janelle, I was like, life is good.

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<v Speaker 2>I need to appreciate everything I have right here right now.

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<v Speaker 2>It makes you stop listen, feel a heck of a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of empathy, and also feel really inspired as well,

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<v Speaker 2>just the absolute resilience that she showed through some of

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<v Speaker 2>the most unimaginable circumstances. I really hope you enjoy this

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<v Speaker 2>week's episode with Janelle Brunton. Ready, Janelle, it is so

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<v Speaker 2>nice to have you with me this morning and slow

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<v Speaker 2>it down. Thank you so much for taking the time

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<v Speaker 2>out of your day to have a little chairs Ah.

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<v Speaker 3>Honestly, I'm so excited to be here. Thanks so much

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<v Speaker 3>for asking me.

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<v Speaker 1>I think I connected with you.

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<v Speaker 2>There were sitting brands that you had under your PR company,

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<v Speaker 2>and then I don't know, I've just known you from

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<v Speaker 2>afar over Instagram over the years.

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<v Speaker 4>Sure, and then I would have sent you stuff to

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<v Speaker 4>do with whatever life cycle you.

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<v Speaker 3>Were in, so more recently like yay than that sort

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<v Speaker 3>of stuff.

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<v Speaker 2>How we work, Yeah, speaks of all Lea's go back

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<v Speaker 2>to the beginning of media jam.

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<v Speaker 1>How did you get into all of that?

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<v Speaker 4>It was like the coin of botox at twenty four

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<v Speaker 4>years old, and I was the marketing manager for the

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<v Speaker 4>Casey Group. And it was before everyone did the botox thing.

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<v Speaker 4>So I'm like trying to get everyone to understand botox

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<v Speaker 4>and it's amazing now, and whatever was everyone these days

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<v Speaker 4>talks about it was still a dirty word back then.

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<v Speaker 4>Fast forward and then I was in PR for Pandora

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<v Speaker 4>Jewelry and I thought to myself, I love PR. I could,

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<v Speaker 4>but if I had a number of brands, I could

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<v Speaker 4>share them all love and talk to everyone more often.

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<v Speaker 4>So I started Media Jam, thinking it'd be really great.

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<v Speaker 4>If I could get like three, four or five brands

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<v Speaker 4>on board, I would love it. And then Media Jam

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<v Speaker 4>did well, yours have to work super hard.

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<v Speaker 3>And then I went to Bali and I don't know

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<v Speaker 3>when that was.

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<v Speaker 4>It might have been maybe three years into Media Jam,

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<v Speaker 4>and Bali impacted me a lot the first time I

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<v Speaker 4>went there, and I came back and I thought about

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<v Speaker 4>it and I thought about it, and it was before

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<v Speaker 4>ethical business was really even a thing, and I decided

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<v Speaker 4>that I really wanted to use my voice for good

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<v Speaker 4>and I wanted to share. I ordered to focus on

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<v Speaker 4>sharing brands, people and products that were trying to make

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<v Speaker 4>a positive impact or positive difference in the world. So

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<v Speaker 4>I repositioned media Jam as an ethical PR company, which

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<v Speaker 4>was very groundbreaking at the time, and it really took

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<v Speaker 4>off and I was just so blessed to work with

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<v Speaker 4>so many incredible green eco brands and it's just.

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<v Speaker 3>Gone from there.

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<v Speaker 2>So when you jumped into that you like, full on boss?

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<v Speaker 2>Did you go into that full boss role? Did you

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<v Speaker 2>have much experience like or were you winging it?

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<v Speaker 3>Nah?

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<v Speaker 4>I think having done all the marketing stuff, yeah, and

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<v Speaker 4>got all the business now and then realizing that PR

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<v Speaker 4>was where.

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<v Speaker 3>My my what do you call it?

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<v Speaker 4>My authentic set is very aligned with PR. I remember

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<v Speaker 4>all the most random things about everyone. I know their

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<v Speaker 4>dog's names, their children's names, whether they wear silver, gold,

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<v Speaker 4>rose gold. I remember what I gifted them like fifteen

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<v Speaker 4>years ago, and I've been doing it for twenty years now.

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<v Speaker 4>I moved to Auckland twenty years ago to work in

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<v Speaker 4>beauty and lifestyle and do what I'm doing so.

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<v Speaker 3>Now it just felt like a natural progression.

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<v Speaker 4>I do remember they were Media Jam turned two and

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<v Speaker 4>I stood in the shower and ugly cried because when

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<v Speaker 4>you start a company, it's all these naysayers and everyone

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<v Speaker 4>says to you, I make it so hard and what

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<v Speaker 4>does it? Eighty percent of small businesses fail within the

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<v Speaker 4>first two years, and then I I think I was

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<v Speaker 4>twenty eight when I started it.

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<v Speaker 3>Man, did I hustle hard?

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<v Speaker 4>And I stood and cried out of honestly genuine pride

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<v Speaker 4>because after two years I was established media jam was

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<v Speaker 4>doing well.

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<v Speaker 3>I had a.

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<v Speaker 4>Couple of really good brands by that stage I was

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<v Speaker 4>so proud of and slightly wepped in the shower.

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<v Speaker 2>So do you put it down to being really authentic

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<v Speaker 2>with your business, Masha?

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<v Speaker 4>I'm for farm in North Canterbury, so farm girl by nature.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh yeah, I can like drench your mob sheep like

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<v Speaker 4>I could actually do all the farm stuff bag.

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<v Speaker 3>I wouldn't believe that I've been brought up on a

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<v Speaker 3>farm my whole.

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<v Speaker 4>Life, and I think it gave me a really good

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<v Speaker 4>grounding around with ethics and ethos and ensuring I'm a

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<v Speaker 4>bit of a people pleaser as well by nature, which

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<v Speaker 4>is quite a good thing in pr So I think.

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<v Speaker 3>I've got this work ethos where I love to over deliver.

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<v Speaker 4>I've got my dad brought me up very like salt

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<v Speaker 4>of the earth, hard walking, good can tab family.

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<v Speaker 1>Whereabout North Canterbrec.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, North Camber, Oh, White Brah.

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<v Speaker 1>White bra also wine region.

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<v Speaker 3>Wine region.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, they're mostly beef actually now beig farmers that back

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<v Speaker 4>in the day was all sheep and beaf. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 4>I think it gave me a good cift effects and ethos.

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<v Speaker 4>And combine that with the fact that I love to talk.

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<v Speaker 4>I remember all the random stuff about people because I'm

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<v Speaker 4>quite interested in people, and I'm a people pleaser who

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<v Speaker 4>likes to make everyone, like all parties happy.

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<v Speaker 3>It makes me really good at it.

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<v Speaker 1>That's amazing.

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<v Speaker 2>What a skill to have though, That's such a beautiful

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<v Speaker 2>trait to have. So with slot down, I guess I

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<v Speaker 2>want to talk to people about how they stay sane

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<v Speaker 2>in the chaos and find peace in the mundane as well.

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<v Speaker 2>But jeepers, you have absolutely walked through fire over the

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<v Speaker 2>last five years is it seven seven years?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>And I don't I don't want to make you relive

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<v Speaker 2>all of the trauma that you've been through, but you

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<v Speaker 2>have openly Okay, we can chat about it.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm good with chatting about it.

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<v Speaker 4>I've done so much processing of it all, and as

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<v Speaker 4>you know, I have shared the journey so openly online

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<v Speaker 4>because it's helped me so much that I'm good with

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<v Speaker 4>talking about it.

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<v Speaker 3>We can totally go there.

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<v Speaker 2>It's okay because I often I often think about my situation,

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<v Speaker 2>life is so hard, and then I will literally think

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<v Speaker 2>about what you've been.

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<v Speaker 1>Through, and I'm like jeepers. It just puts everything into perspective.

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<v Speaker 2>And I know everyone's hard as relative to their own situation,

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<v Speaker 2>and everyone at some point will go through a really

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<v Speaker 2>hard time. But you were your daughter was four months old,

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<v Speaker 2>and that's when you discovered that your husband Kurt, had

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<v Speaker 2>been diagnosed with blood cancer.

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<v Speaker 3>I remember I worked the day before stage came out.

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<v Speaker 3>I knew that when it's you're the business owner.

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<v Speaker 4>You don't get tunity leave, but I did have two

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<v Speaker 4>weeks off, and then I was running the company again

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<v Speaker 4>with a small child in a vesinette and next to

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<v Speaker 4>my desk, and that I don't want to glorify that.

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<v Speaker 4>I don't in hindsight, that's not a good idea. That

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<v Speaker 4>was a huge amount of pressure, and combined that with

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<v Speaker 4>all everything else, I had a really hard time as

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<v Speaker 4>a new mum. I was never diagnosed with postnatal depression,

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<v Speaker 4>but I definitely had a severe case of the baby

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<v Speaker 4>blues and I saved just born on the September, and

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<v Speaker 4>I remember on the third of January, I went to

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<v Speaker 4>Auckland Domain one tree hell, and I like sat under

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<v Speaker 4>this tree and I was like, I've made it. I've

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<v Speaker 4>got through that really hard time. I feel like I'm.

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<v Speaker 3>Really I've got this. I'm a good mum.

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<v Speaker 4>My business is not crumbled underneath me, because it's what

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<v Speaker 4>I was terrified about.

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<v Speaker 3>I've got this.

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<v Speaker 4>And I wrote all this incredible stuff in my journal

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<v Speaker 4>and honestly thought I was holier than there and good

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<v Speaker 4>for me. And it was like that moment is so

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<v Speaker 4>burned into my memory because I remember thinking it and

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<v Speaker 4>then very quickly it's like I was taken by an avalanche. Basically,

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<v Speaker 4>we celebrated our wedding anniversary on the tenth of January.

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<v Speaker 3>On the eleventh of January, Kurt, my late husband.

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<v Speaker 4>Got out of the shower and just really nonchalantly went

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<v Speaker 4>to me, hey, j dreck and this feels a bit hard,

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<v Speaker 4>and prodded.

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<v Speaker 3>Around his upper abdomen.

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<v Speaker 4>And Kurt was the most healthy guy I'd ever met,

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<v Speaker 4>never had a cough, cold, flu.

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<v Speaker 3>The guy was seemingly like Superman. And I went, yeah, back,

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<v Speaker 3>maybe should go to the doctor. Never thought anything about it,

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<v Speaker 3>not even kedding didn't even cross my mind.

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<v Speaker 4>Kurt, being very proactive about his health, went straight to

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<v Speaker 4>the doctor, and that afternoon life just unraveled at breakneck speed.

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<v Speaker 4>It's incredibly humbling to experience something where like literally within

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<v Speaker 4>a moment, life can completely unrevel And I got a

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<v Speaker 4>call from Kurt to say, been to the doctor. Doctor

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<v Speaker 4>sent me straight to an ultrasound. On my way to

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<v Speaker 4>the ultram ultrasound, got a call from Kurt after the

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<v Speaker 4>ultrasound on his way back to the doctor.

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<v Speaker 3>Lady at the ulch seon wouldn't tell me anything. I'm

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<v Speaker 3>going straight back to the doctor for the results. Now

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<v Speaker 3>we know that normally we go the uch side and

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<v Speaker 3>they go, oh, it's all good.

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<v Speaker 4>That was when we thought, oh, and then read me

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<v Speaker 4>straight away to say I have a large growth on

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<v Speaker 4>my spleen and we need to do biopsas immediately to

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<v Speaker 4>find out what it is. You automatically jump on doctor

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<v Speaker 4>Google and life goes from the air. And the next

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<v Speaker 4>the next three or four weeks quite a blur because

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<v Speaker 4>you don't know what you're dealing with. You keep telling

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<v Speaker 4>yourself that it'll be benign. It's not benign, and Kurt's

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<v Speaker 4>blood cans had turned out to be very hyper aggressive.

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<v Speaker 3>It would have killed him within four weeks without intervention.

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<v Speaker 4>We did not have that small tumor was the size

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<v Speaker 4>of an American football in four weeks, and we did

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<v Speaker 4>not have time at all to really get anything done.

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<v Speaker 4>And he was in hospital, and we were very fortunate

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<v Speaker 4>that he responded initially very well to chemo.

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<v Speaker 3>Otherwise that would have been the end of it, very rapidly.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't even imagine being in your body in that situation,

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<v Speaker 2>like you're, as I said, like you're your new mum,

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<v Speaker 2>You're trying to still got your business, like you're still

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<v Speaker 2>trying to balance there, and then you're blown this earth

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<v Speaker 2>shattering news. How did you get through the next few months.

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<v Speaker 4>I again, I think that farm upbringing and my dad

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<v Speaker 4>instilled in me this very very tough and I don't

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<v Speaker 4>mean that in some toxic masculine way. There's a real

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<v Speaker 4>resilience to me that I knew it was there, but

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<v Speaker 4>I'd never had to call upon. And I think I

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<v Speaker 4>just you go into survival mode. So you go at

0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.840
<v Speaker 4>first you're in shock, and then you go into survival mode.

0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:42.800
<v Speaker 4>And then when you're like me, you're like, I will

0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:47.719
<v Speaker 4>not let you die. Was basically right. So you research everything,

0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:49.880
<v Speaker 4>you try everything, you name it.

0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:50.720
<v Speaker 3>We did all that.

0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:57.400
<v Speaker 4>We did everything, every single integritive medicine combined with traditional

0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:00.880
<v Speaker 4>medicine and my traditional hospital, not like all sorts of medicines.

0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:02.120
<v Speaker 3>We did all the medicines. Babe.

0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.000
<v Speaker 4>When you're in survival mode, all you do is you

0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.000
<v Speaker 4>just keep going, like you get up every day and

0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:07.840
<v Speaker 4>you just keep going, and you fight all the fires

0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:10.840
<v Speaker 4>and you keep going, and you cook the food and

0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:12.080
<v Speaker 4>you just keep everyone alive.

0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:14.120
<v Speaker 2>And you can't look at the bag pacture. You have

0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:15.920
<v Speaker 2>to literally take it moment by my mind.

0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.440
<v Speaker 3>You're not even able to. Yeah, it's like when you

0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:20.120
<v Speaker 3>have it. You know, when you have a newborn baby

0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:22.520
<v Speaker 3>and you're in the fog, and it's like the fog

0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.120
<v Speaker 3>comes in to ensure that we keep our baby alive.

0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:26.640
<v Speaker 3>We're focused.

0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.720
<v Speaker 4>It's like mother nature does this to keep us focused

0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.240
<v Speaker 4>on our number one thing, our baby.

0:12:33.640 --> 0:12:35.880
<v Speaker 3>So it's like you go into a survival fog.

0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:39.320
<v Speaker 4>And for me, it was keep my baby alive, keep

0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:42.760
<v Speaker 4>my husband alive, keep my business alive. It wasn't actually

0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:44.720
<v Speaker 4>so much about me it keeping me alive at all.

0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:46.679
<v Speaker 4>You're the very last thing on the list. But if

0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.320
<v Speaker 4>I can keep those three things alive, that's all I

0:12:49.400 --> 0:12:52.160
<v Speaker 4>do each day, and each day is instant repeat, just

0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.360
<v Speaker 4>keep everything alive. And you can't look outside the fog.

0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:56.720
<v Speaker 4>It's like you're incapable.

0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:59.000
<v Speaker 2>And when you're in, because then you actually sink, right,

0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.080
<v Speaker 2>Like you have to just keep going.

0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:02.720
<v Speaker 3>Around.

0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.280
<v Speaker 4>I think you just put that push the overwhel on button,

0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:08.880
<v Speaker 4>and some people do it. Everyone's different, Everyone handles.

0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:09.760
<v Speaker 3>These situations differently.

0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:14.280
<v Speaker 4>I'm lucky that my modus operandi was like full on

0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:17.839
<v Speaker 4>action mode and I'm doing this and everyone is living

0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.080
<v Speaker 4>this will not happen on my watch, so to speak.

0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:26.079
<v Speaker 2>And so after how many months of treatment he had

0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:27.400
<v Speaker 2>to go over season there.

0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:29.760
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, in PR you have to have a plan B, right,

0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:31.400
<v Speaker 4>You always have a plan A and a plane B.

0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:32.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:36.240
<v Speaker 4>So my plan B was to find out what happened

0:13:36.320 --> 0:13:40.079
<v Speaker 4>if he became unresponsive to chemo in New Zealand, and

0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:43.200
<v Speaker 4>the only thing that was feasible or was that was

0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:47.080
<v Speaker 4>available was CARTI therapy, which is immunotherapy was not available

0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:50.280
<v Speaker 4>in New Zealand, was available in the US. We got

0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:52.679
<v Speaker 4>him accepted at mass gen and Boston, and we were

0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:53.720
<v Speaker 4>on a plane to Boston.

0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:56.160
<v Speaker 1>You remind me so much of my mum.

0:13:56.200 --> 0:13:58.480
<v Speaker 2>So my dad was diagnosed with stage four process cancer

0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.599
<v Speaker 2>when I was fourteen fifteen, and he got told he

0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.199
<v Speaker 2>had two to five years from doctors. My mum, who

0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.120
<v Speaker 2>was a doctor but then got really into alternative health

0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:07.520
<v Speaker 2>as well.

0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:11.040
<v Speaker 1>God, she did not take that. Just remind me so

0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:11.480
<v Speaker 1>much of it.

0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.280
<v Speaker 2>She did never, she never took no for an answer,

0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:18.880
<v Speaker 2>and she explored every single option, every Yeah, and you

0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:21.680
<v Speaker 2>do in that situation, You do everything you can.

0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:26.840
<v Speaker 4>When you love someone like you will fight with them

0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:29.280
<v Speaker 4>till the end. And that's what it feels like. It

0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:31.920
<v Speaker 4>feels like you're in war like It's the only way

0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:34.080
<v Speaker 4>I can describe it. When I said this at Kurt's funeral,

0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:37.920
<v Speaker 4>I felt like I was this warrior that had picked

0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:41.760
<v Speaker 4>up the biggest sword I could find, and I would

0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.200
<v Speaker 4>swing at anything and everything that threatened us. And you

0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:47.680
<v Speaker 4>just keep fighting.

0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:50.440
<v Speaker 2>So when you went over says you got him on

0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:53.240
<v Speaker 2>the trial? Was he initially response of.

0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:56.960
<v Speaker 3>So WI party, they take your tea cells.

0:14:57.240 --> 0:14:59.560
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, they send them till I think it was somewhere

0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:02.520
<v Speaker 4>in Chicago, and they genetically engineer them into killer cells,

0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:05.760
<v Speaker 4>and they do it through a process of exposing them

0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:10.640
<v Speaker 4>to different things like polio, this, that, till they're like

0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:15.720
<v Speaker 4>basically they are like, just yeah, the worst of the

0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:18.920
<v Speaker 4>baddest of the tea cells in a very good way.

0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:22.000
<v Speaker 4>And for some people it works, and it is very

0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:24.000
<v Speaker 4>good technology, and it is incredible.

0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:27.760
<v Speaker 3>In Kurt's case, his cancer was so aggressive and so

0:15:27.960 --> 0:15:31.960
<v Speaker 3>fast that he had so much cancer within his body.

0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:35.240
<v Speaker 4>Again that the t cells they go to work, they

0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:37.800
<v Speaker 4>do their job, but he went into a coma because

0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:40.880
<v Speaker 4>you get this massive build up of this toxin that

0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:42.480
<v Speaker 4>the cancer secretes as it dies.

0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:46.080
<v Speaker 3>Something. If anyone's listening to this, that is medical and

0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:47.640
<v Speaker 3>I'm not giving it all up, but.

0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:52.120
<v Speaker 4>I'm doing my best, hug And he got neurotoxin, and

0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:55.960
<v Speaker 4>he got neurotoxicy went into a coma, And unfortunately, at

0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:59.360
<v Speaker 4>that point they have to intervene because if they don't,

0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:02.320
<v Speaker 4>they have had a number of people on trials that

0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:06.760
<v Speaker 4>have been cancer free, but the aftermath of it is

0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:07.560
<v Speaker 4>so huge that.

0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:09.280
<v Speaker 3>They may be in a coma for the rest of

0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:12.200
<v Speaker 3>their life. So in terms of ethics, they need to intervene.

0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.560
<v Speaker 3>So when they intervened, they stopped the T cells working.

0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:17.640
<v Speaker 4>We then had a scan that actually showed that ninety

0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:19.080
<v Speaker 4>percent of all the cancer was gone.

0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:23.000
<v Speaker 3>It's incredible. But there was this little area that lit

0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:23.400
<v Speaker 3>up like.

0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:25.360
<v Speaker 4>A Christmas tree on the scan, and I remember thinking,

0:16:25.400 --> 0:16:28.000
<v Speaker 4>I've never quite seen anything light up that bright before.

0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:31.720
<v Speaker 4>And unfortunately, maybe that was what was left when they

0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:34.920
<v Speaker 4>had to stop the process, or this was a highly

0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:37.480
<v Speaker 4>aggressive kind of cancer that the tea cells were even

0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:38.920
<v Speaker 4>rendered useless against.

0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:40.000
<v Speaker 3>We will never know that.

0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:44.120
<v Speaker 4>And on Christmas Day, Boxing Day that year, I got

0:16:44.120 --> 0:16:45.880
<v Speaker 4>a call from Kurt and he'd had what they too

0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:49.400
<v Speaker 4>to reposition and scan and he said, it's bad news, baby,

0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:51.840
<v Speaker 4>and I remember him reading it to me, and again,

0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:53.640
<v Speaker 4>it's one of those moments.

0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:54.840
<v Speaker 3>That it burned into your psyche.

0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:58.560
<v Speaker 4>I remember my legs just completely falling out from underneath me.

0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:01.120
<v Speaker 4>Couldn't hold me any more, and I let out the

0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:04.200
<v Speaker 4>sound that I don't kind of like a cow giving

0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:07.040
<v Speaker 4>birth actually, And you'll understand that noise, but most people

0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:09.760
<v Speaker 4>will be like let out the sound, which is basically

0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.879
<v Speaker 4>every part of ear escaping your body. And I know

0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:14.919
<v Speaker 4>exactly where I was when it happened, and I can

0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:18.040
<v Speaker 4>feel it even now that moment, and that was the

0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:21.040
<v Speaker 4>moment that we thought, Okay, we've just got to get

0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:23.199
<v Speaker 4>you home. And I never got to speak to Kur

0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.000
<v Speaker 4>after that because he couldn't speak pretty much. From the

0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:28.719
<v Speaker 4>next day, everything was very and we've managed to get

0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:32.200
<v Speaker 4>him home to New Zealand and he passed the seventh

0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:33.960
<v Speaker 4>of January.

0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:37.160
<v Speaker 2>That sound that you're talking about, it's a visceral sound.

0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.480
<v Speaker 2>I remember letting that out after my dad passed, and

0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:42.000
<v Speaker 2>I just remember going outside and it was almost like

0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:42.600
<v Speaker 2>a howl.

0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:44.640
<v Speaker 1>And I remember in.

0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.280
<v Speaker 2>That same moment, I was like, I don't know what

0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:48.679
<v Speaker 2>that was. I think my brother might have done it

0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:51.440
<v Speaker 2>as well. And I just think that's no, you don't.

0:17:51.440 --> 0:17:53.840
<v Speaker 2>And I just think that's a great response. And I

0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:56.359
<v Speaker 2>think it's totally natural. But we in the Western world

0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:58.439
<v Speaker 2>don't really talk about death.

0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.440
<v Speaker 3>Oh we really glossy. Yeah, I don't want to ask

0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:04.879
<v Speaker 3>in other people's discomfort. We're very the Western world. I

0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:06.320
<v Speaker 3>think we're very focused.

0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:08.800
<v Speaker 4>On comfort and yeah, comfortable, and I think we're almost

0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.240
<v Speaker 4>at a point where we feel entitled to be comfortable

0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:15.200
<v Speaker 4>and to remove anything from our lives that feels uncomfortable.

0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:17.000
<v Speaker 3>And I think then.

0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:20.120
<v Speaker 4>Maybe sometimes in life when they're extremely uncomfortable happens.

0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:22.160
<v Speaker 3>We don't have the tools at.

0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:25.040
<v Speaker 4>All on board for it because we have been sheltering

0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:30.760
<v Speaker 4>ourselves and constantly living in comfort. And then you're faced

0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:33.680
<v Speaker 4>with something that you don't have any idea how to navigate.

0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:36.240
<v Speaker 4>And that's yeah, and that's enough.

0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:37.440
<v Speaker 3>But learning experience in.

0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:45.000
<v Speaker 2>Itself, how did you find the years after that? It

0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:48.400
<v Speaker 2>was again that sort of fight or flight survival mode

0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:49.439
<v Speaker 2>for a very long time.

0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:51.800
<v Speaker 3>Here's the thing with grief.

0:18:51.840 --> 0:18:55.040
<v Speaker 4>Everyone's around you for that period, and then everyone is

0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:59.719
<v Speaker 4>just gone. And I'm every night at home with my baby,

0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:02.560
<v Speaker 4>the couch gone, There's no one.

0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:02.840
<v Speaker 3>To talk to.

0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.520
<v Speaker 4>It's silent, and it's very stark.

0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.320
<v Speaker 3>And I was in shock. I now understand it.

0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.200
<v Speaker 4>Shocked for five months, I want to say, like actual shock,

0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:14.960
<v Speaker 4>unable to really. But I still keep going. I still

0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:18.720
<v Speaker 4>keep running the business, keep the business alive, keep.

0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:21.199
<v Speaker 1>That join the business.

0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:25.840
<v Speaker 3>My child will not lose anymore. I will not lose

0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:30.320
<v Speaker 3>my house. I will not. So I'm like so fixated.

0:19:29.800 --> 0:19:34.040
<v Speaker 4>On providing, making sure she doesn't lose anything else, the secondary,

0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:37.720
<v Speaker 4>minimizing the secondary losses for her, all of these things.

0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:40.639
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and so has that been tensified that needing to

0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:43.959
<v Speaker 2>control what you can control since the past thing has

0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:45.840
<v Speaker 2>it always been a big part of you?

0:19:45.960 --> 0:19:48.080
<v Speaker 4>Nah? I think it was probably a part of me,

0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:50.000
<v Speaker 4>which probably makes me good at my job and good

0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:51.320
<v Speaker 4>at you know, like there's a need for it.

0:19:51.359 --> 0:19:52.440
<v Speaker 3>But you did.

0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:55.720
<v Speaker 4>You clutch at the things you can control to provide

0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:58.400
<v Speaker 4>you with less of a sense of helplessness.

0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:00.679
<v Speaker 3>I guess the mind no what's happened.

0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:03.640
<v Speaker 4>The body or the soul takes a very long time

0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:06.239
<v Speaker 4>to accept what's happened. And I'm sure you understand what

0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:08.720
<v Speaker 4>I mean by that, but you don't know. There's not

0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:12.000
<v Speaker 4>a soul acceptance. And my soul didn't accept it for

0:20:12.040 --> 0:20:13.119
<v Speaker 4>a very long time.

0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:15.080
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:18.320
<v Speaker 4>And then after that period, the fog begins to retreat,

0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.159
<v Speaker 4>and I actually think then the hard bit kicks.

0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:24.680
<v Speaker 1>In because it's been sheltered by this numbness.

0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:27.560
<v Speaker 4>Shock and the fog numbs you out, keeps you going,

0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:30.560
<v Speaker 4>and then it's the fog retreats. You're then left with

0:20:30.600 --> 0:20:33.480
<v Speaker 4>the aftermath. And that that was much harder for me.

0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:35.240
<v Speaker 4>I don't want to speak on behalf of anyone else,

0:20:35.240 --> 0:20:37.640
<v Speaker 4>but that was much harder for me. So from about

0:20:37.680 --> 0:20:39.600
<v Speaker 4>the six month mark until the two and a half

0:20:39.720 --> 0:20:40.120
<v Speaker 4>year mark.

0:20:41.359 --> 0:20:44.840
<v Speaker 3>It was life was very challenging, very challenging, you know

0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:45.400
<v Speaker 3>what I mean.

0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:47.520
<v Speaker 4>And that was about two and a half years when

0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:49.800
<v Speaker 4>I think I saw the light at the end of

0:20:49.840 --> 0:20:52.120
<v Speaker 4>the tunnel. And then there's an entirely new thing because

0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:53.560
<v Speaker 4>you get to the end of the tunnel and actually

0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:55.360
<v Speaker 4>you just sit there for a long time in the car.

0:20:56.880 --> 0:20:59.359
<v Speaker 3>I don't even know what to do now, what even

0:20:59.520 --> 0:20:59.720
<v Speaker 3>is this?

0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:03.639
<v Speaker 4>And then also you go through Am I allowed to

0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:07.000
<v Speaker 4>continue with life? Am I allowed to find happiness? Am

0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:09.600
<v Speaker 4>I allowed to be happy? Am I allowed to to

0:21:09.680 --> 0:21:12.840
<v Speaker 4>give yourself all over again? To step back into life? Permission?

0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:17.280
<v Speaker 4>I've got this amazing vision board in my bathroom and

0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:19.200
<v Speaker 4>I was looking at I look at these munchras like

0:21:19.280 --> 0:21:20.600
<v Speaker 4>every morning, and one of them is.

0:21:20.800 --> 0:21:23.679
<v Speaker 3>I give myself permission to be happy.

0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:27.440
<v Speaker 4>Because I almost think that Hollywood has glamorized this. Oh

0:21:27.480 --> 0:21:30.600
<v Speaker 4>this widow, this was her love of her life. She

0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:34.119
<v Speaker 4>will never love again, and they've glamorized this.

0:21:34.200 --> 0:21:35.160
<v Speaker 3>And I'm like, you know what.

0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:38.280
<v Speaker 4>One of the things I've had to meet peace Worth

0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:41.400
<v Speaker 4>is I had this incredible deep love and I am

0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:44.399
<v Speaker 4>so grateful for it. But I am not going to

0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:48.800
<v Speaker 4>martyr myself for the rest of my life. And I

0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:51.919
<v Speaker 4>think some people think you should. I think some people

0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:54.920
<v Speaker 4>think you shouldn't, Like you'll never please everyone on this journey.

0:21:55.200 --> 0:21:58.720
<v Speaker 4>But I will not martyr myself. I will not take

0:21:58.800 --> 0:22:01.960
<v Speaker 4>the ability away from Sage to have an incredible father

0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:04.399
<v Speaker 4>figure in her life. She deserves that, And that was

0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.840
<v Speaker 4>one of my key motivators for moving forward and forcing

0:22:07.880 --> 0:22:10.640
<v Speaker 4>myself to date again and to do these things as

0:22:10.760 --> 0:22:14.679
<v Speaker 4>my daughter deserves an incredible father figure in her life.

0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:17.879
<v Speaker 2>You know how like, especially when everything happened, you're like,

0:22:17.960 --> 0:22:19.399
<v Speaker 2>keep Kurt alive, keep Stage alive.

0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:20.960
<v Speaker 1>And you were at the bottom of the pile.

0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.080
<v Speaker 2>Have you found that you have managed to bring yourself

0:22:24.160 --> 0:22:27.320
<v Speaker 2>up and prioritize yourself through this journey.

0:22:27.640 --> 0:22:31.240
<v Speaker 3>It's a tough question. Of all the.

0:22:31.240 --> 0:22:32.640
<v Speaker 1>Questions, I got it.

0:22:33.760 --> 0:22:37.480
<v Speaker 4>Hey, look I have learned or I am still learning,

0:22:38.400 --> 0:22:44.919
<v Speaker 4>that I deserve peace, that I deserve to be loved.

0:22:44.960 --> 0:22:48.760
<v Speaker 4>So when you play caregiver for so long and for

0:22:48.800 --> 0:22:50.119
<v Speaker 4>a long time, and I had to do a lot

0:22:50.200 --> 0:22:52.760
<v Speaker 4>of work, I felt like I'd failed Kurt, I failed

0:22:52.800 --> 0:22:55.879
<v Speaker 4>to save him. I took that real hard. Failure for

0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:58.680
<v Speaker 4>me was very hard than to accept. So I went

0:22:58.720 --> 0:22:59.440
<v Speaker 4>about trying to.

0:22:59.359 --> 0:23:02.960
<v Speaker 3>Save other people but not yourself, but not myself.

0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.560
<v Speaker 4>If I couldn't save Kurt, if I can only save you,

0:23:06.200 --> 0:23:08.560
<v Speaker 4>that will help. And I'm trying to fill this void

0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:12.720
<v Speaker 4>of saving everyone else that I can see as thinking.

0:23:12.840 --> 0:23:14.679
<v Speaker 3>Again, not a good idea, But.

0:23:14.800 --> 0:23:19.200
<v Speaker 4>Grief is such a huge experience that you when you're

0:23:19.280 --> 0:23:22.240
<v Speaker 4>in pain, you know which won't be magnets.

0:23:23.160 --> 0:23:25.480
<v Speaker 3>When you are being an immense.

0:23:25.040 --> 0:23:28.959
<v Speaker 4>Pain, you will naturally gravitate or attract beings that are

0:23:29.000 --> 0:23:30.280
<v Speaker 4>also an immense pain.

0:23:30.800 --> 0:23:32.560
<v Speaker 1>So I found there along the way.

0:23:32.400 --> 0:23:35.879
<v Speaker 4>Oh yeah, oh yeah, And I probably made things a

0:23:35.880 --> 0:23:38.720
<v Speaker 4>lot harder for myself, but it was all part everyone's

0:23:38.720 --> 0:23:41.800
<v Speaker 4>our mirror was all part of So every time someone

0:23:41.840 --> 0:23:45.639
<v Speaker 4>would come into my life who needed saving or I

0:23:45.680 --> 0:23:47.879
<v Speaker 4>would feel this thing. If I look back now, it

0:23:48.040 --> 0:23:52.600
<v Speaker 4>shows my healing journey because we're attracting what we are

0:23:52.640 --> 0:23:56.120
<v Speaker 4>at the time, so it shows it's like a yes,

0:23:56.280 --> 0:23:58.560
<v Speaker 4>it shows how I navigated my healing journey.

0:23:59.000 --> 0:24:00.960
<v Speaker 2>So when you came out of where at two and

0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:02.560
<v Speaker 2>a half years of hell, were you at a place

0:24:02.600 --> 0:24:05.320
<v Speaker 2>where you could start implementing routines that could make you

0:24:05.400 --> 0:24:08.360
<v Speaker 2>feel better? Like did you start realizing there were rituals

0:24:08.359 --> 0:24:10.320
<v Speaker 2>that were beneficial for you that you had to do.

0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:13.080
<v Speaker 4>It was routine that got me through the first two

0:24:13.119 --> 0:24:15.199
<v Speaker 4>and a half years. So I went to the gym

0:24:15.240 --> 0:24:18.639
<v Speaker 4>every single day. I went back and found something that

0:24:18.720 --> 0:24:21.840
<v Speaker 4>was just for me, and then one hour every day

0:24:22.080 --> 0:24:24.560
<v Speaker 4>there was this place that was just for me where

0:24:24.600 --> 0:24:30.320
<v Speaker 4>I could actually transmute my pain into something that was beneficial.

0:24:30.400 --> 0:24:34.400
<v Speaker 4>So training became an outlet for my pain and suffering.

0:24:34.440 --> 0:24:36.560
<v Speaker 4>I would walk into that gym, I would put my

0:24:36.600 --> 0:24:38.800
<v Speaker 4>headphones on. I think sometimes I would have a cap

0:24:38.840 --> 0:24:41.040
<v Speaker 4>on because I didn't want anyone to see me. I

0:24:41.080 --> 0:24:43.120
<v Speaker 4>didn't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanted

0:24:43.119 --> 0:24:45.960
<v Speaker 4>to fade into the background and do my thing.

0:24:46.160 --> 0:24:46.800
<v Speaker 3>And man, I.

0:24:46.800 --> 0:24:49.680
<v Speaker 4>Trained hard because I had so much pain to training out,

0:24:50.000 --> 0:24:52.560
<v Speaker 4>but that was my thing. After a while, I managed

0:24:52.600 --> 0:24:55.159
<v Speaker 4>to decide. I maned to be strong enough to go

0:24:55.200 --> 0:24:57.639
<v Speaker 4>to the headresser and get my hair done, and I

0:24:57.680 --> 0:24:59.640
<v Speaker 4>almost cried at the basin because it was the first

0:24:59.680 --> 0:25:03.400
<v Speaker 4>time someone had touched me for months. There's a thing,

0:25:03.440 --> 0:25:06.400
<v Speaker 4>and I wrote about it. It's called skin hunger and

0:25:06.680 --> 0:25:07.560
<v Speaker 4>sounds really sucy.

0:25:07.600 --> 0:25:10.600
<v Speaker 3>It's not. It's like you go.

0:25:10.560 --> 0:25:13.800
<v Speaker 4>Through this thing where no one has touched you for

0:25:13.880 --> 0:25:17.840
<v Speaker 4>so long, and then someone was actually I remember it now,

0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:20.119
<v Speaker 4>someone was actually caring for me and giving me a

0:25:20.160 --> 0:25:23.000
<v Speaker 4>head message at the basin, and I pretty much just

0:25:23.160 --> 0:25:28.160
<v Speaker 4>lost it because no one kid for me, no one

0:25:28.240 --> 0:25:32.080
<v Speaker 4>had shown me anything like I. It was the keygiver

0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:34.560
<v Speaker 4>I And so it was this real moment where I

0:25:34.600 --> 0:25:35.920
<v Speaker 4>was like, oh, okay.

0:25:35.680 --> 0:25:36.680
<v Speaker 3>So I actually started.

0:25:36.680 --> 0:25:39.439
<v Speaker 4>And it sounds a bit frivolous, but I started getting

0:25:39.440 --> 0:25:40.840
<v Speaker 4>my hair done once a week.

0:25:41.200 --> 0:25:43.240
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't sound riverless at all.

0:25:43.320 --> 0:25:46.480
<v Speaker 3>It was this one thing that made me feel good.

0:25:46.840 --> 0:25:50.240
<v Speaker 2>It's interesting my husband's grandmother does that every Friday.

0:25:50.280 --> 0:25:52.440
<v Speaker 1>She goes to the hairdresser and gets her hair done.

0:25:52.440 --> 0:25:53.040
<v Speaker 1>And I don't know if.

0:25:53.000 --> 0:25:55.600
<v Speaker 2>That's a generational thing, but I get it. I get

0:25:55.640 --> 0:25:58.040
<v Speaker 2>it like being and mum, you just carve out that

0:25:58.240 --> 0:26:01.399
<v Speaker 2>time actually in your situation.

0:26:01.920 --> 0:26:04.720
<v Speaker 4>It might seem crazy. No, it was such a gift.

0:26:04.840 --> 0:26:06.840
<v Speaker 4>It was such a gift. And I still adore my

0:26:06.880 --> 0:26:10.080
<v Speaker 4>hairdresser and I'm lucky. It's like around the road.

0:26:10.119 --> 0:26:10.600
<v Speaker 3>It's not far.

0:26:11.000 --> 0:26:13.000
<v Speaker 1>She good at the head message. I hope she was

0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:14.080
<v Speaker 1>good at head message.

0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:16.919
<v Speaker 3>Well, I mean it, maybe cry.

0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:18.879
<v Speaker 1>Hana.

0:26:19.240 --> 0:26:22.119
<v Speaker 2>Look, I want this story to be obviously a story

0:26:22.160 --> 0:26:25.919
<v Speaker 2>of hope as well, because you have recently had some

0:26:25.960 --> 0:26:30.239
<v Speaker 2>really exciting news You've come back from BALI is that

0:26:30.280 --> 0:26:31.080
<v Speaker 2>where it happened?

0:26:31.640 --> 0:26:32.040
<v Speaker 3>It is.

0:26:32.400 --> 0:26:34.679
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I think I'd decided that I was done with

0:26:34.800 --> 0:26:37.240
<v Speaker 4>trying to date, like again. But I think even as

0:26:37.280 --> 0:26:39.280
<v Speaker 4>single women, we go through these things like I'm going

0:26:39.320 --> 0:26:41.360
<v Speaker 4>to pop myself out there, I'm going to do it,

0:26:41.680 --> 0:26:43.919
<v Speaker 4>and then actually, that's a terrible idea. I'm not going

0:26:44.000 --> 0:26:46.040
<v Speaker 4>to do that, And so I would be torn between

0:26:46.080 --> 0:26:48.359
<v Speaker 4>trying to date and thinking that was a massive failure.

0:26:48.400 --> 0:26:49.760
<v Speaker 3>Oh my god, I don't want to do that again.

0:26:50.119 --> 0:26:52.959
<v Speaker 4>Ebenston repeat for a couple of years, and one of

0:26:52.960 --> 0:26:55.280
<v Speaker 4>my best friends I've been really good friends with for

0:26:55.400 --> 0:26:58.200
<v Speaker 4>sixteen years used to come to my spin classes back

0:26:58.240 --> 0:27:01.800
<v Speaker 4>in my aforementioned it's been instructed, had been had come

0:27:01.840 --> 0:27:03.680
<v Speaker 4>back into my life, and our girls had been having

0:27:03.680 --> 0:27:07.800
<v Speaker 4>playdates and this sort of stuff. And yeah, we started

0:27:08.000 --> 0:27:12.800
<v Speaker 4>eighteen a nineteen months ago and had looked for anyone

0:27:12.840 --> 0:27:15.359
<v Speaker 4>that's gone through grief or going through grief, I'm not

0:27:15.480 --> 0:27:18.680
<v Speaker 4>going to say that starting dating is this magical.

0:27:18.840 --> 0:27:20.800
<v Speaker 3>I'm texted and I'm healed. It's really not.

0:27:21.000 --> 0:27:24.720
<v Speaker 4>And actually it brought up a lot of stuff for

0:27:24.800 --> 0:27:27.800
<v Speaker 4>me in the first year. There was abandonment wounds in there,

0:27:28.640 --> 0:27:29.960
<v Speaker 4>understandably that.

0:27:30.160 --> 0:27:31.040
<v Speaker 3>I didn't know.

0:27:31.160 --> 0:27:34.680
<v Speaker 4>But it's like anyone that gets into a relationship, it's

0:27:34.720 --> 0:27:36.879
<v Speaker 4>going to bring up the work that's yet to be done.

0:27:37.040 --> 0:27:39.439
<v Speaker 3>And man, did it bring up some work.

0:27:39.880 --> 0:27:42.520
<v Speaker 4>So last year I had we had a lot of

0:27:42.520 --> 0:27:45.960
<v Speaker 4>work to do, but we have been friends for so long,

0:27:46.760 --> 0:27:48.640
<v Speaker 4>and we each had a lot of work to do,

0:27:48.800 --> 0:27:53.280
<v Speaker 4>and we supported each other through that work together and

0:27:53.359 --> 0:27:56.760
<v Speaker 4>I am just so proud of us. And this year

0:27:56.840 --> 0:28:01.840
<v Speaker 4>has been great. And then we med Bali and my

0:28:02.200 --> 0:28:06.840
<v Speaker 4>partner's name is Max and my fiance's name is Max.

0:28:06.920 --> 0:28:08.440
<v Speaker 3>Sorry Maybe asked me.

0:28:08.640 --> 0:28:12.679
<v Speaker 4>To marry him and Balley a couple of weeks ago,

0:28:12.880 --> 0:28:17.240
<v Speaker 4>and I am just I'm excited to get an opportunity

0:28:18.040 --> 0:28:21.879
<v Speaker 4>at a second chance of forever. Is there is a

0:28:21.880 --> 0:28:24.680
<v Speaker 4>little bit where I feel a bit teary. I'm so grateful.

0:28:25.119 --> 0:28:27.879
<v Speaker 4>I'm so grateful that there's a man in stages life

0:28:28.440 --> 0:28:30.800
<v Speaker 4>that wants to love her and be that father figure

0:28:30.840 --> 0:28:32.880
<v Speaker 4>that she so desperately deserves.

0:28:33.440 --> 0:28:36.080
<v Speaker 3>I've had to watch her work out that the other

0:28:36.200 --> 0:28:37.920
<v Speaker 3>kids have dads and why doesn't she.

0:28:38.560 --> 0:28:40.760
<v Speaker 4>I've had to watch her make Father's Day cards and

0:28:40.800 --> 0:28:43.240
<v Speaker 4>put them on top of We still have Kot's ashes

0:28:43.280 --> 0:28:46.800
<v Speaker 4>in her bedroom and every Father's Day we light a

0:28:46.880 --> 0:28:48.440
<v Speaker 4>candle and we put a card up there.

0:28:48.440 --> 0:28:51.600
<v Speaker 3>And I've had to watch her. She even walking down the.

0:28:51.600 --> 0:28:54.880
<v Speaker 4>Road, she would say she would blow a dandelion and say,

0:28:54.920 --> 0:28:56.160
<v Speaker 4>I wish for a new daddy.

0:28:56.640 --> 0:28:57.960
<v Speaker 3>Man's some this.

0:28:58.320 --> 0:29:01.800
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, there's some stuff that you don't think of, right,

0:29:03.040 --> 0:29:08.680
<v Speaker 5>And so meeting someone and building a life and with

0:29:08.840 --> 0:29:09.880
<v Speaker 5>them again is.

0:29:09.800 --> 0:29:10.520
<v Speaker 3>Such an honor.

0:29:11.640 --> 0:29:16.080
<v Speaker 4>And I have also shared that openly and what I

0:29:16.160 --> 0:29:20.120
<v Speaker 4>have been so not humbled by when I started sharing

0:29:20.120 --> 0:29:23.960
<v Speaker 4>on Instagram. I started sharing because when Kurk got sick,

0:29:24.400 --> 0:29:28.680
<v Speaker 4>I frantically tried to find other women who had been

0:29:28.760 --> 0:29:32.040
<v Speaker 4>through what I was going through who could give me

0:29:32.160 --> 0:29:36.600
<v Speaker 4>some sense of camaraderie an online community. And seven years ago,

0:29:36.760 --> 0:29:38.320
<v Speaker 4>six and a half years ago, that was actually not

0:29:38.360 --> 0:29:40.920
<v Speaker 4>a lot. We still we didn't talk about grief that much.

0:29:40.960 --> 0:29:42.719
<v Speaker 4>It was all a bit and people were like it

0:29:42.760 --> 0:29:44.440
<v Speaker 4>was a good type that you know, social media it

0:29:44.440 --> 0:29:44.800
<v Speaker 4>was all the.

0:29:44.760 --> 0:29:47.640
<v Speaker 3>Highlight reels and no one. So I found a couple

0:29:47.640 --> 0:29:48.400
<v Speaker 3>of women.

0:29:48.160 --> 0:29:51.080
<v Speaker 4>That gave me a sense of camaraderie. And when I

0:29:51.160 --> 0:29:56.040
<v Speaker 4>started sharing. I decided that I wanted to share and

0:29:56.400 --> 0:29:59.120
<v Speaker 4>create an account that was the kind of an account

0:29:59.400 --> 0:30:02.400
<v Speaker 4>that would have done sperately helped me one when Kurt

0:30:02.440 --> 0:30:05.720
<v Speaker 4>got sick, but two when Kurt passed, and it would

0:30:05.720 --> 0:30:09.040
<v Speaker 4>give me hope that I was going to get through this,

0:30:09.880 --> 0:30:12.360
<v Speaker 4>and that one day someone once said to me, just

0:30:12.520 --> 0:30:15.480
<v Speaker 4>start living until you start to feel alive again.

0:30:16.520 --> 0:30:17.760
<v Speaker 3>And that was and.

0:30:17.760 --> 0:30:19.520
<v Speaker 4>I do not know who that was on my Instagram

0:30:19.520 --> 0:30:23.640
<v Speaker 4>that messaged me that, but your quote became.

0:30:23.280 --> 0:30:26.080
<v Speaker 3>My mantra for years.

0:30:27.400 --> 0:30:30.360
<v Speaker 4>And you slowly start to see things in color again,

0:30:30.440 --> 0:30:33.640
<v Speaker 4>and you slowly come back to life again, and I

0:30:33.680 --> 0:30:39.280
<v Speaker 4>feel alive again. And so I have shared openly my

0:30:39.720 --> 0:30:44.800
<v Speaker 4>journey with finding love again and the challenges that's brought

0:30:44.880 --> 0:30:47.880
<v Speaker 4>up for me and how we've navigated them. And I

0:30:47.920 --> 0:30:53.120
<v Speaker 4>got so many amazing messages when I announced our engagement,

0:30:53.720 --> 0:30:56.800
<v Speaker 4>and they were all special, but some of the most special,

0:30:56.880 --> 0:30:59.160
<v Speaker 4>and the ones that meet the most to me again

0:30:59.200 --> 0:31:02.600
<v Speaker 4>I get a bit teary, were from widows and they

0:31:02.640 --> 0:31:05.240
<v Speaker 4>were the ones that said, you give me so much

0:31:05.320 --> 0:31:08.440
<v Speaker 4>hope that one day I will find love again.

0:31:09.200 --> 0:31:09.640
<v Speaker 1>Wow.

0:31:09.720 --> 0:31:11.720
<v Speaker 2>I was going to say, what bit of advice would

0:31:11.760 --> 0:31:14.080
<v Speaker 2>you have for someone really going through it right now,

0:31:14.240 --> 0:31:16.480
<v Speaker 2>whether it was similar to your situation or someone that

0:31:16.560 --> 0:31:18.240
<v Speaker 2>just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

0:31:18.360 --> 0:31:21.480
<v Speaker 2>Is it simply just keep living until you feel alive,

0:31:21.600 --> 0:31:23.800
<v Speaker 2>or do you have any other nuggets that have really

0:31:23.880 --> 0:31:25.480
<v Speaker 2>helped you along the way if you're.

0:31:25.400 --> 0:31:26.400
<v Speaker 3>Right in the thick of it.

0:31:26.480 --> 0:31:28.800
<v Speaker 4>I think that's a pretty decent one, to be honest,

0:31:28.920 --> 0:31:32.520
<v Speaker 4>because when you're in that space, there's no color. Life

0:31:32.600 --> 0:31:34.600
<v Speaker 4>is in some even black and white. I think that's

0:31:34.600 --> 0:31:37.360
<v Speaker 4>too contrasting. It's just shades of gray. So what I

0:31:37.480 --> 0:31:40.320
<v Speaker 4>started to do was and this is term now called glimmers,

0:31:40.320 --> 0:31:42.480
<v Speaker 4>which was not a thing way back when I was

0:31:42.520 --> 0:31:43.880
<v Speaker 4>going through the thick of it.

0:31:44.200 --> 0:31:47.360
<v Speaker 3>But what I started to do was to find to like.

0:31:47.480 --> 0:31:52.880
<v Speaker 4>Create moments of pure joy and connectedness in my day

0:31:52.960 --> 0:31:53.800
<v Speaker 4>throughout the day.

0:31:54.320 --> 0:31:57.240
<v Speaker 3>And that started from when I wake up, I.

0:31:57.280 --> 0:31:59.400
<v Speaker 4>Like in sense and I click in my mind, I

0:31:59.400 --> 0:32:01.880
<v Speaker 4>say a little black which I didn't realize I did,

0:32:02.080 --> 0:32:04.160
<v Speaker 4>but I do. I light this incense and I basically

0:32:04.320 --> 0:32:07.360
<v Speaker 4>say something around blessed this house, and but like I.

0:32:07.360 --> 0:32:08.800
<v Speaker 3>Do, and then I light the incense.

0:32:08.880 --> 0:32:11.720
<v Speaker 4>And I made a thing of watching the sunrise every

0:32:11.800 --> 0:32:14.760
<v Speaker 4>single morning because that's when I felt closest to Kurt.

0:32:15.240 --> 0:32:20.560
<v Speaker 4>I drink espresso, and I would make that a real ritual,

0:32:20.840 --> 0:32:25.320
<v Speaker 4>like I would rarely taste my espresso. I would make

0:32:25.360 --> 0:32:27.960
<v Speaker 4>more cups of tea, hot tea. It became very simple

0:32:27.960 --> 0:32:30.040
<v Speaker 4>stuff because I couldn't get out. Once my child's in

0:32:30.080 --> 0:32:32.280
<v Speaker 4>bed and she's still in I can't get out and

0:32:32.360 --> 0:32:35.880
<v Speaker 4>do things. So I became really good at lighting candles,

0:32:36.320 --> 0:32:42.000
<v Speaker 4>lighting incense, drinking espresso, really tasting what I was doing

0:32:42.080 --> 0:32:46.120
<v Speaker 4>and being so immersed and present, and I started to

0:32:46.200 --> 0:32:50.640
<v Speaker 4>find so much joy in those things. So it felt

0:32:50.680 --> 0:32:54.680
<v Speaker 4>like life. I was creating life that felt like art.

0:32:55.600 --> 0:32:57.680
<v Speaker 1>I love I love that.

0:32:58.680 --> 0:33:02.320
<v Speaker 2>I think back to pre kid life, and like when

0:33:02.320 --> 0:33:05.040
<v Speaker 2>we had the time and the disposable and kind of

0:33:05.120 --> 0:33:07.920
<v Speaker 2>just go to spas and treatments and all that stuff.

0:33:07.960 --> 0:33:09.640
<v Speaker 2>And that used to be the kind of self care

0:33:09.640 --> 0:33:13.080
<v Speaker 2>in your mind right, But actually the best kind of

0:33:13.080 --> 0:33:15.440
<v Speaker 2>self care is the self care that you can implement

0:33:15.560 --> 0:33:18.320
<v Speaker 2>on a daily basis and it doesn't need to cost much.

0:33:18.400 --> 0:33:22.320
<v Speaker 2>Do you have a little hack on shortcutting to that mindset?

0:33:23.720 --> 0:33:25.400
<v Speaker 4>I think it's all breath and I don't want to

0:33:25.440 --> 0:33:27.840
<v Speaker 4>get all like preachy and whatever, but I think if

0:33:27.880 --> 0:33:30.880
<v Speaker 4>I think to what I do in order to ground myself,

0:33:30.880 --> 0:33:32.640
<v Speaker 4>because it's all about getting back in your body, right,

0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:34.800
<v Speaker 4>so I think I actually just take a breath. I

0:33:34.840 --> 0:33:37.239
<v Speaker 4>also need to take quite a bit as well as

0:33:37.320 --> 0:33:40.040
<v Speaker 4>the art form thing. Side note, but just in case

0:33:40.080 --> 0:33:42.240
<v Speaker 4>anyone wants to get into that, I really think it's

0:33:42.320 --> 0:33:42.840
<v Speaker 4>very helpful.

0:33:42.880 --> 0:33:44.360
<v Speaker 3>And saying that I couldn't do it for the first

0:33:44.400 --> 0:33:46.120
<v Speaker 3>year at all. There was no way I wanted to

0:33:46.120 --> 0:33:47.120
<v Speaker 3>connect with my body.

0:33:47.360 --> 0:33:49.240
<v Speaker 4>I had a feeling that if I created and felt,

0:33:49.280 --> 0:33:51.240
<v Speaker 4>if I felt into my heart, it just might kill me.

0:33:51.320 --> 0:33:52.080
<v Speaker 3>So I couldn't.

0:33:52.320 --> 0:33:54.560
<v Speaker 4>But I learned to get back into my meditation, and

0:33:54.560 --> 0:33:56.840
<v Speaker 4>it's incredible. I think it's amazing how much we slow

0:33:56.920 --> 0:34:00.120
<v Speaker 4>down and remind ourselves that we're a soul and a body.

0:34:00.720 --> 0:34:02.920
<v Speaker 4>And I think, and I know it's probably not the

0:34:03.000 --> 0:34:05.960
<v Speaker 4>extravagant answer you're looking for if you take a breath

0:34:06.400 --> 0:34:09.480
<v Speaker 4>before you light your candle or before you get into

0:34:09.520 --> 0:34:11.720
<v Speaker 4>your bath or run your bath, even because you could.

0:34:11.600 --> 0:34:12.719
<v Speaker 3>Start your ritual there.

0:34:13.200 --> 0:34:18.759
<v Speaker 4>I think creating rituals in our lives connects us.

0:34:18.560 --> 0:34:19.800
<v Speaker 3>And adds romance.

0:34:20.239 --> 0:34:22.000
<v Speaker 4>And I don't mean with someone else, I mean the

0:34:22.120 --> 0:34:24.520
<v Speaker 4>romance back into life with ourselves.

0:34:25.120 --> 0:34:26.520
<v Speaker 3>And I think that's.

0:34:26.280 --> 0:34:29.200
<v Speaker 4>The thing that helped me reconnect with my body and

0:34:29.360 --> 0:34:34.719
<v Speaker 4>reconnect to myself and actually reconnect with because for a while,

0:34:34.719 --> 0:34:37.680
<v Speaker 4>again when you're in survival mode, you're not connected, but

0:34:37.719 --> 0:34:38.239
<v Speaker 4>there's no one.

0:34:38.239 --> 0:34:40.240
<v Speaker 3>I don't mean pleasure, and again the sourcy sense.

0:34:40.280 --> 0:34:44.239
<v Speaker 4>I mean pleasure in creating a pleasurable life where you

0:34:44.280 --> 0:34:45.799
<v Speaker 4>do taste your.

0:34:45.719 --> 0:34:48.920
<v Speaker 3>Wine when you slip sip it, you taste your coffee.

0:34:50.000 --> 0:34:53.720
<v Speaker 4>Everything becomes a present, when your presence there's.

0:34:53.560 --> 0:34:54.319
<v Speaker 3>An art to it.

0:34:54.320 --> 0:34:56.480
<v Speaker 2>It's like there's been shame with pleasure, right, And you're right,

0:34:56.480 --> 0:34:58.760
<v Speaker 2>people think pleasure.

0:34:58.440 --> 0:35:01.080
<v Speaker 1>And you don't need that. You need it is to

0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:04.880
<v Speaker 1>fully enjoy life, even.

0:35:04.680 --> 0:35:06.960
<v Speaker 4>If do you know what new pair of silp pajamas

0:35:07.040 --> 0:35:10.920
<v Speaker 4>stop experience? And now social media calls it glimmers, and

0:35:10.920 --> 0:35:13.359
<v Speaker 4>I get it, and then it goes out into lots

0:35:13.400 --> 0:35:13.959
<v Speaker 4>of other things.

0:35:13.960 --> 0:35:14.759
<v Speaker 3>But I think the.

0:35:14.680 --> 0:35:16.839
<v Speaker 4>More in life that we can create our own little

0:35:16.880 --> 0:35:20.120
<v Speaker 4>microglimmers without the need for anyone else or the need

0:35:20.160 --> 0:35:22.400
<v Speaker 4>to leave home or they need to whatever, the more

0:35:22.440 --> 0:35:25.640
<v Speaker 4>we actually start having larger glimmers in life, because again

0:35:25.680 --> 0:35:29.080
<v Speaker 4>I think it's that what we are, What was it like?

0:35:29.120 --> 0:35:31.480
<v Speaker 4>What we attract what we are, we attract more of

0:35:31.560 --> 0:35:33.919
<v Speaker 4>what we're doing. So I think it's a great place

0:35:33.960 --> 0:35:37.280
<v Speaker 4>to start is creating those little micro glimmers through living

0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:39.920
<v Speaker 4>life to create life like an art.

0:35:40.120 --> 0:35:40.319
<v Speaker 3>Right.

0:35:40.640 --> 0:35:43.719
<v Speaker 2>That is such a beautiful note to wrap this chat up.

0:35:43.880 --> 0:35:45.880
<v Speaker 2>And I'm just so grateful for you coming on, Janelle,

0:35:45.880 --> 0:35:49.399
<v Speaker 2>because mate, you've just absolutely been through it, but you're

0:35:49.560 --> 0:35:54.879
<v Speaker 2>a true example of resilience and you show that there

0:35:54.960 --> 0:35:57.120
<v Speaker 2>is hope and life at the end of the tunnel.

0:35:57.120 --> 0:36:00.120
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't mean that it's all fairies and unicorns. I

0:36:00.160 --> 0:36:02.880
<v Speaker 2>know that you're still probably going through it in ways,

0:36:02.960 --> 0:36:04.919
<v Speaker 2>but I think you would have helped so many people

0:36:04.960 --> 0:36:07.120
<v Speaker 2>today by sharing your story. So thank you so much

0:36:07.160 --> 0:36:07.759
<v Speaker 2>for coming on.

0:36:08.320 --> 0:36:09.719
<v Speaker 3>I thank you so much. PJ.

0:36:13.360 --> 0:36:16.480
<v Speaker 2>Well, that was my episode with Janelle Brundon Riddy and

0:36:17.640 --> 0:36:20.680
<v Speaker 2>I told you, I told you. It was such a

0:36:20.800 --> 0:36:25.959
<v Speaker 2>moving chat, put so much in perspective, and it really

0:36:25.960 --> 0:36:30.399
<v Speaker 2>goes to show grief is not linear and everyone experiences

0:36:30.440 --> 0:36:33.680
<v Speaker 2>it differently. But for Janelle, she was in just like

0:36:33.760 --> 0:36:36.400
<v Speaker 2>obviously that fight or flight mode for quite a while

0:36:36.560 --> 0:36:39.600
<v Speaker 2>where she was just surviving day to day and then

0:36:39.640 --> 0:36:41.759
<v Speaker 2>after about two and a half years, you know, it

0:36:41.840 --> 0:36:45.120
<v Speaker 2>felt like there was some light into the tunnel, But

0:36:45.160 --> 0:36:48.600
<v Speaker 2>then how to navigate that? You know, is there a

0:36:48.719 --> 0:36:52.160
<v Speaker 2>life without Kurt? And hard is that look? But so

0:36:52.440 --> 0:36:57.480
<v Speaker 2>amazing that she has been so open about her experience

0:36:57.640 --> 0:37:00.919
<v Speaker 2>with grief. I think it's a topic that, as I said,

0:37:00.960 --> 0:37:05.600
<v Speaker 2>and Western culture is not so openly spoken about, and

0:37:05.680 --> 0:37:11.480
<v Speaker 2>there's still so much shame around talking about some aspects

0:37:11.520 --> 0:37:13.799
<v Speaker 2>of grieving and what's right and what's wrong. The thing

0:37:13.880 --> 0:37:16.759
<v Speaker 2>is is nothing wrong. There is no right or wrong

0:37:16.800 --> 0:37:21.560
<v Speaker 2>way to grieve. And I just, man, I just have

0:37:21.680 --> 0:37:25.400
<v Speaker 2>so much admiration for Janelle, and there's so amazing that

0:37:25.400 --> 0:37:29.280
<v Speaker 2>she has found happiness again and that she has found

0:37:29.280 --> 0:37:34.000
<v Speaker 2>love and she's engaged. I just can't even imagine having

0:37:34.040 --> 0:37:38.640
<v Speaker 2>to run your own company during all of that, through

0:37:38.640 --> 0:37:42.200
<v Speaker 2>the diagnosis, through the passing of your husband, You've got

0:37:42.239 --> 0:37:46.200
<v Speaker 2>a one year old, you are trying to navigate everything

0:37:46.280 --> 0:37:50.920
<v Speaker 2>on your own. Honestly, it was such an incredible chat,

0:37:51.040 --> 0:37:53.760
<v Speaker 2>and I loved hearing about just coming back to the breath.

0:37:53.840 --> 0:37:55.839
<v Speaker 2>You know, we always talk about the simple rituals that

0:37:55.880 --> 0:38:01.200
<v Speaker 2>bring you back breath and enjoying those luxurious, simple pleasures

0:38:01.520 --> 0:38:04.320
<v Speaker 2>day to day, whether it's you know, a beautiful a

0:38:04.360 --> 0:38:07.520
<v Speaker 2>beautiful wash in your shower, a nice little body wash

0:38:07.600 --> 0:38:09.840
<v Speaker 2>or soap or something that you put in your bath.

0:38:10.160 --> 0:38:12.239
<v Speaker 1>Just infusing your day with.

0:38:12.280 --> 0:38:14.440
<v Speaker 2>Things that you know that will bring a little bit

0:38:14.440 --> 0:38:17.600
<v Speaker 2>of bliss is a really good hack which I loved

0:38:17.760 --> 0:38:18.600
<v Speaker 2>from Janelle's chair.

0:38:18.640 --> 0:38:19.960
<v Speaker 1>I would love to know what you got out of it.

0:38:19.960 --> 0:38:23.239
<v Speaker 2>You can always message me on Instagram. It's embarrassing saying

0:38:23.280 --> 0:38:24.160
<v Speaker 2>my little handle.

0:38:24.360 --> 0:38:25.400
<v Speaker 1>It's pj DJ.

0:38:25.960 --> 0:38:28.280
<v Speaker 2>And if you go check out my page dot forget,

0:38:28.280 --> 0:38:31.080
<v Speaker 2>I've got an incredible Slow it Down bundle to give away.

0:38:31.120 --> 0:38:33.719
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to be announcing the winner come.

0:38:33.640 --> 0:38:39.080
<v Speaker 2>Tuesday, so go enter and yeah, it's a really epic

0:38:39.200 --> 0:38:41.680
<v Speaker 2>prize pack. Thank you so much for joining me for

0:38:41.719 --> 0:38:43.439
<v Speaker 2>another episode of Slow It Down.